Ari Shaffir Returns!

Summary

The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament

Episode: Ari Shaffir Returns! (April 20, 2026)

Host: Joey Diaz
Guests: Ari Shaffir, Lee Syatt
Theme: Inside Stories of the Comedy Store & Life in Stand-Up – Friendship, Hardship, and Hustle

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Episode Overview

This episode is a deep, hilarious, and reflective dive into the wild world of stand-up comedy, told through the stories and memories of Joey Diaz and Ari Shaffir—veterans of the legendary Los Angeles Comedy Store scene. The conversation, fueled by old-school camaraderie, explores how the crucible of stand-up, particularly at the Comedy Store, forged comics both personally and professionally. War stories, lost friends, close calls, career hustle, and deep gratitude for the brotherhood come through in a mix of brutal honesty, comedy, and nostalgia.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Comedy Tour Concepts and Controversy

• Discussing Comedy Tour Names and Controversy
  Joey, Ari, and Lee riff on launching “Netanyahu’s Hitman Tour,” embracing the idea that getting protested boosts publicity and ticket sales ([00:29]-[02:09]):

  • “The protests will sell us tickets.” – Ari ([00:47])
  • “As long as I’m making money, as long as it works out...” – Joey

• They joke about free speech, cancel culture, and the cyclical nature of protest targets—from abortion to Israel to Ukraine ([02:09]-[03:30]).

2. Societal Distraction & Weekly Outrage

• Joey rails on society’s tendency to instantly move on from one controversy to the next, referencing news stories and forgotten tragedies ([03:23]-[04:50]):
  • “Our society—we just go from week to week.” – Joey ([03:25])
  • He’s brutally unfiltered about media obsession and the expendability of old news.

3. Morbid Humor & Dark Fantasies

• The guys spiral into a comedic, sometimes shocking exploration of aging, bodies, sex, and what happens when people "disappear" ([04:50]-[06:17]):
  • “After 50 the curtains drip... It’s like they took the rod out of the curtain.” – Joey ([05:10])
  • Raw, graphic humor typical of Joey’s style.

4. Mob, Crime, and Methods of Escape

• The mob’s past, the art (and failures) of hiding bodies, and how crime has (or hasn’t) evolved with technology ([07:00]-[09:41]):
  • “Take the cell phone out of his pocket—bury him alive.” – Joey ([08:10])
  • They reference shows/movies like Narcos and The Godfather, examining the adrenaline-fueled reality versus fiction ([10:05]).

5. On Revenge, Anger, and Dark Thoughts

• Intense, honest confessions about fantasizing revenge and murder, especially during Joey’s lowest points in the ‘90s ([11:51]-[14:16]):
  • “All in ’94 and half of ’95…I went to sleep thinking about murdering somebody…and that’s not a good situation.” – Joey ([13:10])
  • “There’s people I want to kill, and there’s people I just want to maim so they live a fucked-up life.” – Joey ([14:40])

6. Comedy and Criminal Close Calls

• Joey recounts days in prison, halfway house hustles, selling coke, and “close calls”—blending true crime with dark humor ([21:13]-[29:19]):
  • “I had to get on my hands and knees…picking up each [chunk of] coke” ([25:58])
  • Crazy anecdotes about contraband, hallway deals, and hiding evidence.

7. Comedy Store: The Ultimate School of Hard Knocks

• The core of the episode: what the Comedy Store meant to Joey, Ari, and their friends ([34:47]-[59:27])

  • “Education of the Comedy Store.” – Joey ([57:01])
  • Remembering wild casino nights in the main room, experimental pranks (e.g., cigarette loads), and “breaking their teeth” on stage.
  • Quote: “Nothing tops the education I got in that place. From ’97 to 2006…nine fucking years of social and on-stage behavior.” – Joey ([58:28])

• Discuss how surviving that “game of inches” at the Store shaped them professionally and personally:

  • “I always went by inches. Inch, punt the ball. Inches.” – Joey ([58:41])
  • “She let you be you.” – Ari on Mitzi Shore ([113:27])

8. Mitzi Shore’s Influence, and the Comedy Store Hierarchy

• Legendary Comedy Store owner Mitzi Shore is eulogized for her unique, uncompromising mentorship ([59:27]-[114:32]):
  • Her no-bullshit approach about spots, lineup order, and "breaking" comics by making them follow the toughest acts.
  • “She would make me go, ‘How many nights you gonna keep bombing after Paul Mooney?’” – Joey ([114:07])
  • Stories about her behind-the-scenes decisions, infamous insults, and favoring comics who stuck to their guns.

9. Survival Skills: Following Monsters on Stage

• Techniques for handling tough positions, such as going up after legends or when the crowd is exhausted ([115:04]-[116:46]):
  • “Following Paul Mooney, my material went out the window... You better show some fucking energy.” – Joey ([115:04])
  • “At 12:15…you come up there dancing... That’s what they wanted!” – Joey ([116:05])

10. The Power of Honesty in Storytelling

• Ari recounts how Joey’s storytelling, especially serious or regretful anecdotes, changed the game ([126:17]-[132:41]):
  • “Let’s see if I can make you cry and fuck with you a little bit…people want the truth.” – Joey ([128:31], [132:41])
  • Describes the emotional impact of stories about regret, family, or lost friendships.

11. Comedy Store Alumni & Legacy

• The Store as an incubator of greatness: famous alumni from Robin Williams & Richard Pryor to Tom Hanks and others ([117:01])
• The pipeline from working the phones to making it in Hollywood ([117:22]-[117:58]).
• Quote: “You’re on the same stage with them and they haven’t even cleaned it.” – Ari ([118:10])

12. Life on the Road: Poverty, Hustle, and Making It

• Grimy details: sleeping on floors, hustling for weed money, cheap eats, taking any gig to survive ([121:01]-[122:33]):
  • “You know where all the deals were…I moved to Poinsettia off Melrose. ‘The Walk’…” – Ari ([121:56])
• The relentless hustle, climbing from $200 gigs to Comedy Store lineage and major TV/film credits.

13. Career Perspective: Even at the Top, You Hustle

• Joey and Ari reflect on signing with CAA and realizing there's no “relaxing” at any career stage ([141:07]-[144:15]):
  • “You still gotta hustle...you’re with the best agency, but you still gotta get up every morning like your ball's on fire even more than when you were 26 or 27.” – Joey ([143:18])
  • The grind never stops, fame only raises the bar.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “If you’re an open-mic’er and you think you’re working now and oh my God, I can’t wait till it gets easier—bitch, at the 30-year mark, you’re still waking up eating cereal, going, what am I gonna do?” – Joey ([143:18])
• “[Mitzi] would put me behind [Dom Irrera and A.J. Jamal] every Saturday night…It was like driving to get shot.” – Joey ([112:04])
• “You don’t want to just do comedy. You want to be fucking comedy, brother.” – Joey ([139:28])
• “You just got to stand up for yourself.” – Ari, on being authentic on stage ([50:17])
• “You’re about to get...You can see these guys getting frustrated. You’re about to get…” – Joey on comedians about to break through ([145:41])
• “Nothing tops the education I got in that place.” – Joey ([58:28])

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Key Timestamps

• 00:29-02:09 – Netanyahu’s Hitman Tour, protest culture in comedy
• 03:25-04:50 – Societal attention spans and dark media humor
• 07:00-09:41 – Mob crime, hiding bodies, TV vs. real-life violence
• 11:51-14:16 – Fantasies of revenge and confessions about the '90s
• 25:58-29:19 – Hustling coke in halfway houses, criminal close calls
• 34:47-59:27 – Comedy Store era, casino nights, formative lifestyle stories
• 57:01-59:27 – The Comedy Store as education and proving ground
• 59:27-114:32 – Mitzi Shore’s discipline, lineup manipulation, Store hierarchy
• 115:04-116:46 – Surviving Murderer’s Row, following monsters on stage
• 126:17-132:41 – Emotional storytelling—regret, honesty, growth
• 141:07-144:15 – The myth of an "easy" career; the need for lifetime hustle

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Episode Wrap-up

The episode closes on a note of deep mutual affection and wisdom: a celebration of survival, friendship, and the endless grind of comedy. Joey advocates relentlessly for “being comedy,” not just doing it; Ari reflects on comic legacy and the joy in the journey, however bumpy; Lee is mostly a witness, occasionally chiming in or serving as the butt of a joke. The energy is grounded in gratitude for the Comedy Store, personal evolution, and leaving a mark on the comedy world.

Memorable Outro:

• “I love you, brother. Thank you, buddy.” – Joey ([146:14])
• “You don’t want to just do comedy. You want to be fucking comedy, brother.” – Joey ([139:28])

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Additional Notes

• Tone: Equal parts raunchy, hilarious, raw, reflective, and deeply honest; full of the unfiltered, tough-love wisdom that marks both Joey Diaz and Ari Shaffir.
• Best for: Hardcore comedy fans, comics, or anyone fascinated by the behind-the-scenes world of stand-up.
• Highlights: Secret history of the Comedy Store, Mitzi Shore stories, raw tales of criminal hustling, moving career advice, and idiomatic camaraderie.

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[END]

Transcript

[A]

Kick this mule. What's happening? You bad. It's the church of what's happening now? What is it?

[B]

New Testament.

[A]

New Testament. It's Monday, 4:20. So if you got them, spark them. You know what I'm saying? It's a beautiful day to be alive. We got my man Ari Shafir, the world traveler.

[C]

Buddy, I haven't seen you in so long.

[A]

I know. We got little Cato, the Jewish bomb of debt.

[C]

A what?

[B]

The bomb of death.

[A]

Listen, that's a new one Tour, bro. What I call Netanyahu's Hitman. Oh, I like it. All we're gonna get is. Bro, that tour would sell.

[C]

The Hitman tour.

[A]

I want to do it. Netanyahu's hitman.

[C]

We're gonna leave out one market, but

[A]

me and three Jews.

[C]

I like it. I like it. The protests will. Will sell us tickets.

[A]

Yeah, we could do arenas.

[B]

You would like to get protested?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Then people know.

[A]

As long as I'm making money, as long as it works out. Listen, all I know is this. And George was there with me. 70, 81, whatever, 87, 88. Brian Bosworth was the most hated man in the world, right? And he got those fucking masks. When you went to a stadium, you bought $10 for this mask that said, I hate Bosworth or his face or whatever. One day one of the announcers goes, look at these people. They all have the Bosworth, like, we hate you. Yeah, but Bosworth owned the company.

[B]

Right, but times were different.

[A]

That's really not different.

[C]

They're selling tickets. They make all the announcements on all the blogs, like Joey Diaz performing. We got to get down there. Where and when? 7:30pm on Friday.

[B]

You're organizing the protests.

[C]

We're going to go, Joey's in town. I didn't know that.

[A]

Threats. We're going to get fucking. And that's exciting, people. Then we'll do the show in a park.

[C]

That's right.

[A]

We're just. The show's been canceled. Fuck it. Refunds. But we're doing it in the park.

[C]

And then one day a bomb will

[A]

go off in the park. And then CBS talks in some lady from. I'm here with Netanyahu's Hitman. I don't know what that means. That's a fucking prize act, guy.

[B]

That is a great name for.

[A]

That's a fucking great tour.

[C]

And then you have let him bomb the place. It'll open the doors, free tickets.

[A]

And there ain't no way we're going to not sell tickets. We're not going to get boycotted it's freedom of speech. People could do whatever the they want. It's the people that are going to stand, the abortion people, right? Those chubby ladies that already had three abortions. Now they got to move on to, yeah, hating Jews. And you know what I'm saying?

[B]

They go on from abortions to hating Jews.

[C]

We'll give out free abortions. We'll get them all.

[A]

Last week I saw that thing in Austin. They hated everybody. Who.

[C]

Oh, what?

[A]

I saw this. I'm leaving the Thompson.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And you know, you got to walk up to the 6th street and make a left, a right. And as I'm starting to walk, I got the edibles in me and shit. And I'm hearing pocketing guitars. Everything is off tune. Everything's off tune. And I look up and it's coming down that hill. Just fucking boom, boom, bump drums. Bunch of dirty white people. 50, 60 of them at tops. They didn't even have that much support. But it was, but it was funny because it was. Had a big banner. Israel must be bombed. Stop the bombing in Iran. They're still talking about Palestine. They hate Cubans, they.

[C]

Nobody gives a about Ukraine anymore.

[A]

No, no, no.

[C]

Ukraine's done, dog.

[A]

It's so many things.

[C]

It's not me, Crane, it's Ukraine. Handle it.

[A]

It's just. It's just our society. We just go from week to week.

[C]

What's popular week?

[A]

Look, you have not heard of that cunt's mother. She's dead, all right? Dead. I told you this six weeks ago on this fucking podcast. Dead. And nobody gives a fuck. Every once in a while on world News, they get like, oh, an amazing. Whatever. Amanda got the. They found like a paper bag. Listen, she's dead. What the fuck are you waiting on? Can you imagine being at home with a picture of your mom? Now listen, somebody's got to come over and go, listen, it's over. Just pull the plug. Go to Social Security, get your checks. She's done eight weeks, nine weeks, ten weeks. Yeah, but she's going to walk right back. Oh, I missed the train. No, she dead. Some Mexicans got a. Fucked her in the ass. She's probably in one of those brothels in Mexico. Yeah, like those. If you like 60 year olds. She's walking around all fucked up. They got like Stallone's daughter in fucking. In Rambo. The final fucking countdown. We think young guys don't go there for some old Mexican twat. Fucking thing is busted open. It looks like a. One of those coconuts from those umbrella motherfuckers in la. Yeah. What do you think they do with these old people? What do you think? I fucking. I don't even want to go.

[B]

I never once thought they did that.

[A]

What?

[B]

I never thought they brought them to

[A]

brothels, old man brothels. Like old people don't want to fuck a young girl.

[C]

That's a young girl to them.

[A]

Yeah. There's fucking 90 year olds that are dying. To a 60 year old, that fucking side of salami opens up, it looks like a fucking, fucking missile from hitting the fucking snatch.

[C]

There's no Epstein island anymore. They gotta go to the black market.

[A]

And the curtains drip. After 50, the curtains drip. That noodle drips. Oh, it's like they took. They took the rod out of the fucking curtain. That's the fucking thing. Like it don't work anymore.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

So it's a whole different avenue here. Our balls drop. What do you think happens to that?

[B]

I never thought about it.

[A]

It drops, ugly dragon. Like, our balls drop and it's cleaner than ever. It's clean. Once they get to 50, that clean, there's no more condoms. No more Arab dick at the 7:11. It's just straight up, aren't condoms good? Huh?

[B]

Aren't condoms good?

[A]

No, because they leave filter inside the monkey. They, they, they fuck a monkey up. You go down on a girl and it smells like a condom and you're like, what? Where was she? Where the fuck. What cologne does she have? Rubber condom. What the fuck is this shit?

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

What else? What's going on? I know your storyteller show came out last week like a.

[C]

So I had to doodle all my. Myself again, as always. Yeah.

[A]

Nothing changes.

[C]

Yeah. I don't know. Back in America, just. Just found out about this lady, Kathy Gifford's mom, who you just found out legitimately right now.

[A]

Good for you. It don't matter.

[C]

Yeah, she was like, what?

[A]

Dead?

[C]

I didn't know she was alive. I found out she was alive. Just as I'm finding out she's dead.

[A]

We're going to find out what really happened. Guthrie came home, she caught a suck on a dick. Something happened.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Own daughter stabbed her in the neck and she's on TV with the picture

[C]

of the old hag.

[A]

Give me a fucking break.

[C]

She's got it locked up in the, in the basement.

[A]

Listen, I'm 63. I've told every story. Yeah, and I've heard every story. So as soon as you hear it, you just. This is the same shit.

[B]

It's hard to disappear now. Like, is it Isn't it crazy?

[C]

Like, it's just so many cameras.

[A]

It's so crazy how people fucking disappear. This is what I've always thought about because I recently agree with me, okay? And no disrespect to nobody in this fucking planet. Let's talk about the Italian mob, the biggest bunch of dummies you ever saw in your fucking life. Okay? All right. Because I know you hate this shit, too. Okay? They were burying bodies and nobody ever caught them until they started ratting on each other. And it's right out here in Secaucus. A little lie. You put them in there. You fucking bury them. Who's going to. I got a place in Secauk. Cause I could drop 10 motherfuckers off. And they're not going to find you because nobody goes in those bushes. If you go in those bushes to bring a body, you're going to get bit by something.

[C]

It's like Law and Order. The first two minutes is like, they're in Central Park.

[A]

Yeah, but go further out. You're a fucking idiot if you leave. Go further out. But you killed them in Central Park. So I can't see you putting up a stiff on your neck walking to the Hudson river, you know?

[C]

But let the tide take it.

[A]

You think about that. And people get caught all the time now with stupid shit. Sammy the Bull. I don't know how many people he buried.

[C]

Take your cell phone with you. Mistake.

[A]

Take the cell phone out of his pocket. Bury him alive. You got to make sure they don't come out of that grave. Yeah, that's why they shot that dude in Goodfellas. Jimmy. Jimmy Bob. They shot him like a fucking time. Oh, they stabbed them, too. Yeah, they put the Maluka. They don't want to come back. And all you got to do is stop, bro. This is why I love narcos. Narcos blew it open with the violence. The episode in Mexico, episode two, when Season two. The fucking government goes after one of the families. And the two guys, the two little short guys on the show are like, fucking, we're killing the government. And then he set up a fucking bash that was brilliant. And the government came. He had a wedding and the government came. And these two guys were there with guns out. The guy said, tell your fucking bulldogs. And one guy pulled out a gun and he's like, listen. He goes, today you try to pull a move on me. You went to their house because the envelope was light and you shot their family. Well, today we gave you another light envelope. And let me tell you what happened again? You sent your Bulldogs, but this time we were ready for them. And he goes, specifically, the guy that killed his family. He. He took him dog. He hit him in the stomach with a crowbar, shot him in the knee, and then threw him in a hole and just started throwing dirt on. Oh, and you stab him in one lung so they really got. That's it. And you just throw dirt. You bury him alive.

[C]

The deep jungle.

[B]

Why would you bury them alive, huh? Why would you leave them alive?

[A]

Because they ain't getting out of there. If I shoot you in the knee, you're not crawling out of there.

[C]

Oh, you mean why? Why not just kill them, make them suffer?

[A]

Stabbing along, pencil. You're not walking out of there either. You're going to. And that's it.

[C]

You got to be really mad at someone to bury him alive. Yeah, you got to be extra mad.

[B]

And you wouldn't be anxious at all. Like, I'm wondering if somebody, like, an ambulance drove by.

[C]

Like, when you do more mushrooms, when

[A]

you're going, you're going, okay. That's why I love that. A movie everybody should watch at least once if they're into filmmaking is the Godfather. Because there were so many little things they got right. When Michael goes in that bathroom and he pulls the gun out, what do you hear? Fucking train. Well, let me tell you something. I was at George one day, right? And George told me where his neighbor lived, and I kicked the door down. When you kick a door down, all that's beautiful on tv, but when you kick a door down and you go in there, everything is heightened, bro. You go deaf. Your adrenaline gets so high that you go deaf. At one point, you just hear be. And your heart's just going. Your heart's just going. The adrenaline's got you. You go deaf during all those things. You go. I mean, like UFC fighters in the beginning, they don't hear the fucking audience.

[C]

I couldn't. When I was playing basketball, I couldn't hear anything. They do chants for you, and you're

[A]

like, I didn't know. I didn't know. Because your mind takes you somewhere. It's called a fight or flight. All right? But the same thing when you do a crime. If I got you in the trunk of my fucking car and I gotta drive you to Secauka stuck, you know, that's gotta be anxiety like a motherfucker. And then I gotta pull over, pick up your chubby Jew ass. Now, you added a hundred pounds in water when you die. So it's me by myself pulling You. You land, I gotta dig you and then I gotta leave you there. Dig. Put some. Cause you don't want to take somebody. Because that's two dudes with a secret, right? So you gotta dig it. No one knows. Remember the good. You better dig them. When they shot Spider. You better dig this hole. So just think about it.

[B]

You thought a lot about killing people?

[A]

Yeah, my God.

[C]

Look.

[B]

You have a plan, dog, I had

[A]

an ex wife, I had a stepdad that was a. And I used to plan like I'm. I do coke.

[C]

A good way to escape is like, how am I. How would I really do it? Let yourself believe it. Like, how would I get rid of them body? How would I take them?

[A]

That's the truth. I mean, it's just. Listen, I don't think I could chop a body up, okay? Like those animals in Brooklyn did the DEO crew. I can't chop a body up.

[B]

So what are your other options?

[C]

Take them to the woods?

[A]

Listen, man.

[C]

Trunk.

[A]

If somebody did something really bad to

[C]

you, cut you off in trap.

[A]

They raped your sister.

[C]

It's worse.

[A]

They touched. They touched your niece. Something that sports never gonna solve that problem. Yeah, they're gonna give the guy time. But the damage that that motherfucker did to your child or your wife or your cousin. And now what can happen? Now what? So now you gotta time yourself. You gotta give yourself a three year window and drive by his house once a year and throw a firebomb just to remind him. And then one day on the way to work, just scoop them up, shoot him. And the guy was involved in. All those people are involved in other shit. So you're not really going to be looked for three years later.

[C]

You think it'll be like someone else might have done it. They're all

[A]

going to happen. Yeah, anything could have happened. He was involved in drug dealing, whatever the fuck he was involved in. You know, it's scary. And dog, I was at a point in my life where in 1994-95, my. I'll even add 93 to that. The tail end of 93. All in 94 and half a 95. I went to sleep thinking about murdering somebody. And that's not a good situation. And I remember one day I just broke down because of what I was carrying. I wanted to kill this bitch. I wanted to slice a tongue out. I was going to tie it to a tree and rub it with honey. The X. Yeah, because the bears get you in in Colorado. There's no fingerprints, there's no DNA. Like I said Last night on stage, they leave an elbow and the elbow don't got a vint on it. So they just throw it back. They just throw it back nice and chewed, you know, it's just. And I know there's people that relate to this. They got a boss that fucked with them. Didn't they make a movie about an assistant beating up his agent? Remember he tied him up, the fag?

[C]

Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Kevin Spacy.

[A]

Kevin Spacy and all that.

[C]

Swimming the Sharks. Yeah, Swimming with Sharks. Man, what a good movie that was.

[B]

Oh, I, I have, I. I've had

[A]

different before we knew.

[B]

Like, I have people I want to punch, but then there's people. Like if, like, let's say everything in, in your life that could possibly go wrong, go wrong, you're going to kill yourself. I have, like, then I'm on my way out, I'm getting a couple people.

[A]

There's people I want to kill and there's people I just want to maim so they. Oh, so they live a fucked up life after I get my.

[C]

Oh, just cut that right here.

[A]

One guy in specific that I dream about catching him in the city and fucking piping them, shooting them in both kneecaps, shooting them in a hand like Jesus. So he can have a whistle and then pull out a high caliber gun and just blow off his other hand for being a fucking thief. I think about that motherfucker all the time. Yeah, it's blowing off his hand with a high caliber, putting it back, pulling out a fucking.32 or.45 and blasting holes in his kneecap, both his hands like Jesus. And then put the gun in his fucking eye and tell him, you miserable fuck. And you take him to a state of fucking Gandhi like man on fire style. Then you spit on him and walk away.

[C]

Live with it.

[A]

And that motherfucker breaks down. You just break down as a human being. That's it. That was your spiritual. I'll never do that again.

[C]

I want to kill people's relatives to get back with them. That what I want to kill people's loved ones, you know?

[A]

Loved ones.

[C]

Yeah, take away. Take away what's closest to them. Kill their daughter in front of them, kill their wife in front of them. Shit like that really hurt them. I know you did this. And then push them off a cliff.

[A]

When I wanted to kill my wife, he was a scenario if I broke into the house.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

I was gonna tie him up, oh, stab him a little bit, cut him up a little bit so he could bleed. Like, just not stab, but Cut. And then while he's alive, just cut his dick off right in front of him. Put in his mouth while the dick is still shaking. Like Elena Bobbitt in 93.

[C]

Flopping around like a fish.

[A]

That dick is still bopping around. You put it right in his mouth. Then shoot him in the head. Then have a long talk with her. Haha. And you know where the next bullet goes, right. Her dirty snatch. And then right in her fucking head. Like a Coupe de Tour, whatever they call that, the Coupe de la whatever. Shoot somebody in the head. The coup de grace.

[B]

There we go.

[A]

Yeah, there's Coupe de Grace, whatever the fuck it is.

[C]

The Coupe de Ville.

[A]

And just walk out. That was my dream. But I didn't want to kill her in the house because I would have dropped DNA. Yeah, I'm Cuban. I got the Cuban dust, the whole thing.

[B]

You don't think DNA goes outside.

[A]

So I wanted to grab her. It was Colorado. I wanted to grab her in Boulder or something like that. Listen, they never caught JonBenet killers. JonBenet, that's right. Ramsey's killer. They would have never caught me because Boulder's not prepared for that.

[C]

You wait till they're on a hike.

[A]

Even if they would arrested me on a fucking. Because they thought it was me. As long as my hands were clean and that weapon was done. And I had a guy in Colorado that was like. If I give him a gun, he ain't gonna ask no questions. He knows exactly what to do with it. They knew exactly what to do with that gun. That gun goes home into a fucking Boulder river and nobody ever sees it again. Or whatever the fuck. Yeah, take it on vacation with you, I don't give a fuck. And pull an oj. Put the gun in Chicago. When he got there, however the fuck whatever he did with the knife.

[C]

Right.

[A]

You know, even him, they went right to him. But they couldn't put the pieces together. He had a high powered attorney. So they destructed and they didn't catch the most important thing. The fingerprint in the O.J. trial. If you really look what happened, it happened over the weekend. And on Sunday night they were there and all of a sudden it started raining. So the fingerprint they had. The rain killed it. And then from there you just go. And then he hired that a team which cost him 55 million.

[C]

Probably got him his freedom.

[A]

He had four gangsters. He had that white Jew that. He had two Jews. No, he had the white gangster. Yeah, who was the other one that we used to. I forget what type of Attorney.

[C]

He one of them too. He one of their wives. Yeah, that was one of The Kardashians. Is OJ's kid.

[A]

Yeah, they said that he's his kid, but no, it was a four man dream team. Yeah, it was a black guy. Johnny, Johnny. No, Bailey and another white guy. Look it up. Everything.

[C]

Bailey, F. Lee Bailey.

[A]

And there was a. Yeah, F. Lee Bailey. F. Lee Bailey. And there was a white dude. That is brilliant. He's the one that saved the case. He argued. He's tough, he's rough, you know, like he's. Jesus Christ. Ronald Goldman.

[C]

Yeah, he. He got. That's the original catching strays. Not Ben Shapiro.

[A]

I just told you it wasn't Shapiro. It's another white guy. They brought him in. And that guy cost. I just told you, if the glove,

[C]

if the glove does not fit, you must have quit.

[A]

Well, that was the young black dude.

[B]

I'm talking about Alan Dershowitz.

[A]

No, no, no, he's a Jew. Old Jew. He was on that team too.

[B]

Barry Shack. Peter Neufield.

[A]

Barry. Check Barry, check that dude. If you have him as your attorney, you just sit there with a grin on your face drawing pictures with Mickey Mouse because you already know the outcome. He's going to him up.

[C]

Imagine hiring that guy. And you're like, hey, dude, just so you know, I did it. And he's like, it's going to cost you, but I'll get you off.

[B]

Did you have like a dream list of lawyers like you wish you could have hired? Like, it sounds like you really like Shaq.

[C]

No, he doesn't want to get caught. He's not going to trial.

[A]

Right. I like. But right away the fingers are going to point at me in a situation like that, right?

[B]

So you got to get a good lawyer.

[A]

So, you know, you just got to get. You can't get one lawyer. You need three minds. That's great.

[C]

My day was just one lawyer and you have a co pilot sitting there.

[A]

You want to listen. The Yankees win World Series. They have a high budget. The DA and the city DA and the federal da, they're never going to match what I'm going to pay these fucking animals. Yep, they're going to outwit them. They're going to outwit them. I got three of these animals and one of them has got the vitamins I need, okay? One of them has the vitamins you need. You have to, and I hate to say this because people are going to start. You have to, I swear to God, you have to trust the judicial system and Sometimes it wins and sometimes it loses. With me, it fucking lost. Because they wanted to sentence me for the full term. I plea bargained down a second degree burglary. They gave me four years, but it was a state law, 1200 which cuts the sentence in half for first time offenders.

[C]

It was like stealing two years.

[A]

So they cut it to two years. I already done two months in county, which is four months. So 24 months minus four is 21 months. 18 months, you're eligible for a halfway house at 16 months. You already go to a halfway house unless you're a fucking savage. But pretty much like. So when I got there, I was like ready for county like 90 day work release. They wouldn't allow it, but I was still very happy because I went from 48 months with 4 months to 24 months with 4 months off. And then I had a month waiting to go to the system. That's two months. So when I got there it was like stealing. And then on top of that, my point system. You'd be surprised how many criminals don't have driver's license. You'd be surprised how many of them don't have jobs at the time of the arrest. You'd be surprised on how many of them don't have a high school diploma. First thing I did after all those years when I got arrested, I went and got my high school diploma.

[C]

In prison?

[A]

No, no. When they let me out on bail, George was there. I went and got my high school diploma. I threw the cocaine away and I started going to a college. Like a student.

[C]

Threw it away.

[A]

It did not. I was still snorting. Okay, you know, okay, you got rid of it.

[C]

It's a different story.

[A]

Throw it away. When you get that, on top of that, they have a point system. So when you subtract. Did you live with family?

[C]

Oh, right.

[A]

Did you have a job at the time of your arrest? Do you have a driver's license? Did you have a high school diploma? There was like eight or nine questions at the end. You got like a minus two or whatever. I was already eligible for a fucking halfway house. So it was crazy. I was against the grain and it worked in my way. Now if I get in trouble again, it's not going to be that way. The law gave me a pass, which meant don't come back. Right? I got the hint. We cut you a lot of grief, kid. Now don't come fucking back. And that's the message I got from it.

[C]

You never got close again.

[A]

I got arrested again, but never got tossed in jail. After 88, I got arrested probably. I had arrested six times in Seattle in 18 months. We're running the crime syndicate up there. We're.

[C]

How did I get here?

[A]

We had Josh Wolf robbing safes and

[B]

so you didn't get the message right away?

[C]

Yeah, you didn't get the message. That doesn't sound like you have the message at.

[A]

Listen, I still remember. 18 months. I still remember.

[C]

That's a Colorado message. Exactly.

[A]

You get to the halfway house, first of all, you have to wait by the gate at the prison. And then the bus comes and they take you to the halfway house. I had a car pick me up, I had my girlfriend pick me up, drive me to the halfway house. I pulled over, gave her a stabbing doggy style and this two door Mazda. She had the blue Mazda right on the highway. I'm like, I ain't waiting for this. I went to the halfway house and I go, sit tight. I went to the halfway house and you go in and also. And they go, listen, you have three hours to go get your personal belongings for me. That meant you got three hours to get an eight ball and get back here. I was snorting the first night I got on belongings and I went to my friend's house and he told me, I'll leave an eight ball for you. But he left the bag over here open. I clipped an extra three and a half. I went to that and then I was weighing it. It got to the point I was in there weighing it, selling it. Like by the first week in the halfway house, Listen to me, I'm in a seven man room and I don't know, you don't really know how the old packaging was, but the old packaging was a bindle. You open it, you open it, it's a triangle and in the middle you snort your coke and then you put it back, okay? When I went to get the coke and I was going to sell it, I had the scale on the top bunk. I'm on the top bunk of this fucking thing, okay? And I get up on the bunk and here I am, I'm taking the eight ball of coke and I'm putting it into whatever. And also one of the guys come and go, Joey, they're doing a security sweep. When I went to close the bindle, the bindle went backwards and all the coke shot up into the air all over the carpet and. And there was a black carpet. So I had to get on my. Lee, wake up. I had to get on my hands and knees. It's 4:20 motherfucker I like the attitude. I had to get on my hands and knees and pick up each rock. The dust I lost, but I picked up like eight rocks. We're sitting in the room, they both walk in and they're like, what are these rocks on the floor? And the other guy goes, the ceiling. Something was wrong at that time. We really did have one of those ceilings that was back, you know, when they shoot it and it has like. Like that.

[C]

Like that.

[A]

Like that wall right there. It was similar to that. And they just walked out. And I was like, oh, shit.

[C]

You had so many close calls. So many. Like, oh, I could have gone.

[A]

And these are close calls. When you're in the red zone, remember there's a close call. Like, I went in there one night. Again, on Fridays, I would go walk in there with an eight ball quarter ounce. Because I knew they'd be waiting for me. On this one particular Friday night, girls were on the first floor. And there was like six of them, but three of them were smoking. There was one that was like a high level cosmic thief. Like a perfume thief. She just destroyed, like, gimbals. Well, Macy, she took every fucking thing. No, no, no, I'm not talking about. This bitch was taking back orders and getting them shipped to a different warehouse. No, no. She told me, she goes, no, no. I was. She had. Even when she got out of prison,

[C]

she had the fucking shoplifting.

[A]

No, she was like. She was a manager at a place and she would take shipments all the warehouses and go sell the fucking whole shipment. Shoes, whatever the fuck it was. But this bitch, still, she goes, I got six years, but I managed to keep my wardrobe. This bitch was still banging. Tall, really pretty girl. But there was another chick that was crazy that was dating a guy I was in the halfway house with. They were both in the system together. Okay? Now, we were friendly. We all had to go to group meetings and we talk. And one Friday night, I walk in and you have to sign in when you walk in and they give you a folder. When I open my folder, there was a note. Yeah, you got a couple messages there. And it was people saying, don't forget to stop in my room. Like, joey, bring me the chicken cutlet sandwich. Joey, do this. Well, what they wanted me to do was stop in the room to sell them coke. Wow. So I'll never forget. I walk in the building. They. They search you. I got the eight ball in my nut sack. And then I walk. And I go to. Let me go to Patrice Twinings. First dog I walk down that alleyway now, the office is there, and these are the girls rooms. It's like a little cafeteria area. And then the last two rooms, a girls room. And it's like three girls in the room. I knock on the door and Patrice opens the door with her big fake tits popping out like lingerie. And I go, what the fuck? She goes, I need a grand, but I ain't got no money. I go, fuck it. And I just went into the doorway like this. Her roommates were eating cereal on the couch and shit. And she's sucking my pipe into the hallway because the cops are right over there.

[C]

They can see you not doing anything. They can see just see this half your body.

[A]

Yeah, I was just talking. I had my hand on the thing, like, to make believe. I was just leaning on it talking, but it's the wrong fucking hand. Look at me. I'm trying. I'm supposed to lean this way. It was insane. And then after that, me and her had this little. Little crazy affair. I would pop in some nights and she'd be banging. I'd just take her. And like I said, there was a little pantry where they had frozen foods and TV dinners. I took her in there one day, bent her over, no condom, I'm dying, and just gave her a stab. The halfway house was fucking insane. When I was there, I switched the air conditioners from the conference room to my room. I got. Put it from a six man room to a three man room, but you got to take the top bunk. I couldn't take it. So I took the guy under me and I loaded his cigarettes with those things that when you light up, the cigarette explodes.

[C]

Yeah, I used to do those.

[A]

I used to him up.

[C]

Freddy soda, everybody. I'd wait till somebody borrowed a cigarette and I'm like, yeah, here.

[A]

And I would just like, magic store.

[C]

The magic store, yeah. Hollywood. We got one with Freddie, and me and Renaizzi were in the back watching. We knew we had it. And he was on stage because I got one for a stage. Perfect. Took him seven minutes to light it up. He kept doing this. He kept going like, actually, you know what? And just not lighting it. We're like, come on, light it already. He keeps talking, doing whatever, and then he's like, you know, actually. And he just keeps not lighting it. Ten minutes in, finally he lights it. It's like. And then another thing.

[A]

Boom.

[C]

I mean, he was that loud. I didn't know it was that.

[A]

No, no. But I'm a professional.

[C]

Explodes.

[A]

I'm a professional. I got a toothpick yeah, you take it way down, bore it into the middle so they get comfortable with the cigarette.

[C]

You had a couple hits. You had a couple hits. First.

[A]

Some guys, you neutralize a cigarette. Like, you put one. Two in the middle and then one in the. In the beginning. So they just blow up together. That's priceless. Listen, you just fill up a pack of cigarettes and give people cigarettes and take your chance, dude.

[C]

They are. It. It throws people off because they're like, what the. And then I see everybody laughing, and there's a moment of anger. Like, what did you do?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

They have to either be cool with it or they're just dorks.

[A]

Oh, my God. I used to love you.

[C]

Pay for the cigarette.

[A]

I still got the money. Like, I would die.

[C]

I got to get those again.

[A]

I got. I would die to stop on the way home and get 10. 10 cigarette loads. Oh, my God.

[B]

Just get them out in the city and just watch people blow them.

[C]

Dude. I get the homeless guys in Tompkins Square Park.

[A]

Easily, easily.

[C]

Hey, we're having fun today. Listen, if you're all fentanyl, you're on this. You're on.

[A]

Get a Cuban cigar and load like, eight of them in the middle.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

And give it to somebody. And they're like, yeah, they're talking Italian and. And that blows.

[C]

You know what? I'm going to do that to Bobby Kelly. We'll have a cigar soon. This will be out for. Yeah, today's 420. He won't watch this.

[A]

No, he's.

[C]

He's too much of a family man. I'll get him tomorrow.

[A]

I'll get him tomorrow.

[C]

Yeah, like, into a cigar. That's how it is in the old. The cartoon days. Just goes like that looks like a Demi Gorgon.

[A]

He's do some crazy shit, man, with those things. I don't even know how I discovered them. I just found them one day. And I'm anything like that. Devious. That's my world.

[C]

Hollywood costume and magic. That's where they had them. Hollywood costume and magic.

[A]

Oh, that was on Hollywood Boulevard. But then I had the one over the weed store in Studio City, the one on the second floor. And I would go up there and buy them. I bought them out. I didn't live in Studio City then. I lived in Hollywood then. This is like 90. No, 90. This is like 2,000. I did at the store one night. I did it to somebody at the store. I think it was Peter Chen.

[C]

It's.

[A]

It's always Peter Chen.

[C]

Yeah, Peter Chen is wild.

[A]

He was hit him with the car. He never came back.

[C]

This guy was just as awful. Asian comic. Mitzi liked him because he was just like. He had a funny accent.

[A]

Is awful.

[C]

I mean, beyond awful. But he's been around 15 years. So he's like, I've been here longer than anyone. I should get spots. I'm like, yeah, I know. But, you know, this guy doesn't get spots. He's great. He'd be here 12 year, I'd be here 15 year. I should get spot over him.

[A]

All right.

[C]

It was wild. Mitzy hated him. She just tortured him. He let everybody torture him. He was so cheap. He would have to move his car up. Like, can you move your car up? And he go, yeah. And he's. He's from rural China. He just opened the door and push it forward. No, somebody must have sucked his dick once. Somebody must have sucked Peter Chen's dick one time. Otherwise, why would you keep coming back?

[A]

Lair.

[C]

Lair. No, no, no way.

[A]

You know, Ari, yesterday somebody posted on the Comedy Store. They posted like a vignette, okay? And the second vignette was a chick, a hot girl walking out of the OR coming down to Sunset Boulevard. And when they open the door, it's a picture of you. Young. Young. Really young.

[C]

Where? On the steps or something?

[A]

On what?

[C]

On the steps up to the Belly Room.

[A]

No, no, this is coming out the sunset when you walk into the original room.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And you pay. And it was you. Yeah, Ralphie.

[C]

Oh, really?

[A]

Oh, my God. Ralphie was low with the one when he's, like, making a milkshake. Whatever the he's doing. Well, best.

[C]

He was always making a milkshake in his head. Yeah. Rest in fat. He's somewhere eating two. Two full pizza pies, looking down on us.

[B]

I hope if heaven exists that you get to eat whatever you want, Ralphie.

[C]

There's this podcast now that does this, but Ralphie just did it. In reality, it was one of each. Please. Yeah, he'd go to a restaurant and

[A]

just go right here. But they cut you off. There's the hot chick. There's Ralphie.

[C]

Oh, look at that picture. Look at that headshot.

[A]

Yeah, Jimmy Schubert. I don't know who the that is.

[C]

What, in the middle? Yeah, that's me.

[A]

Is that you?

[C]

That's me in the middle. Come on, let me see.

[A]

No, that's not you, Doc, you better get your glasses fixed. I'm trying to. Come on.

[C]

That's me, buddy. That's me rexing Renese.

[A]

Oh, Renesis.

[C]

Shooting me. He looks young too. He hasn't lost a ink of hair.

[A]

I told you.

[C]

The only one that looks worse. There's. Well, Rafi looks the same, but the rest of us, Frederiz, he looks close.

[A]

You know, I was looking at that picture before you came in and. Never mind all this that happened. New York City, the Storyteller show films bullshit. Think of what we were doing at the store right now, 20 years ago, it was. And how we were living.

[C]

Wild. It was so wild. That's why the Storyteller show came from. From what? The way we lived. We're like, well, we have them. We got these stories. It was just like at any moment, if you're going on a La Jolla Comedy store, it was 50, 50. If you went to Tijuana to hookers, it was 50, 50. All it took was like, you're drinking. Someone's like, should we go to tj? You're like, damn it, why'd you say that? Yeah, let's go. Let's go. And even if you weren't. And then that was 50. 50. You might. I. We knew one guy was like, well, I'm getting a butter knife from the.

[A]

From.

[C]

From the condo and taking it like, dude, you're not taking a knife into Tijuana. Are you nuts? Dude, that. It was so fun. I mean, there were so many places to. And even the kids who didn't, like, the young guys were like, I can't believe it. Brought people from all walks of life. I was an Orthodox Jew eight months earlier. There's all these, like, religious Christians, degenerate orphans all coming together. And so some of us, like, I don't know what this life is, but there'd be animals taking chicks to fuck in side rooms. And the young guys would be like, let's watch them. And so we'd have to try to sneak around to try to, like, get a glimpse of, like, Eddie Griffin or something. We didn't know. You go to the back of the main room. Main room was closed always. And you'd be like, he might be right there. Anybody might be right there. And you, like, slowly go in. Nope, I was in either the girls bathroom, the main room, bathroom upstairs. So you gotta slowly go in. And we'd look in, like, Scooby Doo, head over head overhead, trying to get.

[A]

I never peaked on anybody.

[C]

Oh, I peaked all the time.

[A]

I never peaked over the bathroom stall.

[C]

You're just like. You never peek because you were. Yeah, yeah, I was a dork. Yeah. The most we had is to watch you, dog. I've seen your ass slamming before 97. I've seen Joey work it, dude, I worked.

[A]

I walked.

[C]

I did the right thing. I was just quiet. I left.

[A]

I didn't interrupt.

[C]

I didn't interrupt. I'm not gonna stop the game. I just want to be as. You know, Got good seats.

[A]

You know, it wasn't that like a storm, the field. It was. It was the. Ralphie.

[C]

The drugs thing.

[A]

The drugs do.

[C]

We had a casino for like six months in the main room. None of the Thai bartenders were working. Ren Z got a felt with like, an actual. Like a felt that we put on a table. And they were like, some. The waitress come. Like, there's no bartenders. And they're like, throw more hands. Throw my hands. And then they'd be like, we need to make the drinks. They're like, not now, I'm on a roll.

[B]

But like a legit. Like, for real money.

[C]

We played C. Oh, no. For real.

[A]

Yeah, money.

[C]

It was great. We did whatever the fuck we wanted. She was gone. And so no one was running it.

[A]

I would love to tell you that. The best time period, probably for me, because I was breaking my teeth. Yeah, that's when you're in there every fucking night, whether you got a spot or not. You're in there hustling. Whatever. I thought it was 97 to 2000. I think about it now. It was the whole thing. It was 97 to 2006 and then 2014 to 2020.

[C]

Different.

[A]

Whatever. I was always a regular. I didn't get banned. I didn't get thrown out of there. I just decided not to go in there because it was just. I felt I was done. That's it. Seven years. If you're. How long are you going to sit at the stand before the managers go, listen, you've been lurking like a spider for seven years. It's time to do something. You gotta do something. And that's at any club. If you're at the. If you get. If you get the. Lexington. Let's say you live in Nashville and you do Lexington, Kentucky, you're gonna go in there as a feature. Another feature. Another feature.

[C]

You'll be the six old feature.

[A]

And they're gonna co headline you because you're an hour away for the holidays. Christmas, awesome. People request to see you now. They headline you, but they're not gonna headline you. They're gonna headline you. Fourth of July weekend, good luck. Christmas weekend. You know, they give the. The good spots to me, but they'll give you Friday and Saturday after Thanksgiving.

[C]

Yeah. You know, January 3rd and 4th, and

[A]

then another year now you had line again. And this year you open for Shane Gillis for New Year's. Right. What's your next step at that club?

[C]

Got to get out of there.

[A]

What's your next step? Yeah, you can't sit there.

[B]

But why not? Like, if I was selling out a club every time I went to that city, I'm sure theaters are great, but just for me right now, that, that the dream would be selling out the theater week, not theater club weekends. To think that that many people are like that. Because I like weekends way more than one nighters.

[A]

I like them.

[B]

One nighters are a great time. I'm not complaining.

[A]

Tell them. We used to go out Tuesday through Sunday. That's my favorite now is rumors in Winnipeg.

[C]

They figured. They figured this out. They figured this out. Nobody's coming two weeks in a row to a comedy club. So they book you for two weeks.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

To save on the flight. And then Monday and Tuesday, they're just. Just hang.

[A]

Do.

[C]

Do whatever.

[B]

They have, they have shows. I just.

[C]

You be there from Tuesday till the next Sunday.

[B]

Yeah. And they have like two for one

[A]

deals on one Tuesday through the. Through Sunday. That means you got on a plane Monday morning, you came home, you fed the cat, you did laundry, and Tuesday you're back at lax.

[C]

Improv.

[B]

I can't do that every weekend. But like once or twice a year,

[A]

that's what it was. Once or twice a year, that's what it was.

[B]

That's what every club had.

[A]

They wouldn't hire you Thursday through whatever Improv.

[C]

DC Improv used to have. Used to have a. You wear a T shirt. DC Improv T shirt. On Mondays, you get in free. And like Jake Johansson types, they'd be like, yeah, Monday to Sunday, I'm seven. I'm seven days.

[A]

You have no idea. That was great. Yeah. For me and for him with Rogan. But man, you come home for a day, oh, you can't pay your bills,

[C]

you're always late payments. You're like, I got the money. I just. I didn't have time to open up the envelopes.

[A]

You get home on Monday, man, and you do that three weeks. And Rogan always works Sundays. And that's where I. That's when I got off the boat. And on some days.

[C]

But Joey, he should be here by now. I'm like, guys, I got some bad news for you. What is it? Joey's in Los Angeles. Like, no, we saw him last night in. In Tampa, in Tempe. You're like, he's gone.

[A]

I remember when the. I remember we told that story on your Storyteller show that, you know, the hotel fire.

[C]

Uhhuh.

[A]

And if you. I don't know if you were there that night.

[C]

I wasn't there that night.

[A]

It was Segura.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

And when I came down at the end. Oh, yeah. With the suitcase. And I took the elevator and I walked.

[C]

They're all running down the steps, and

[A]

they're like, where the fuck have you been? And all of a sudden they're like, all right. The fight. Like, for 30 minutes, they stood out there like, fucking victims. I'm like, I don't know what you guys are standing here for. And they're like, why are you here with a suitcase? I go, I'm waiting for a cat. Yeah.

[C]

I didn't even know what they were doing.

[A]

When Rogan looked at me with Segura, they were, like, blowing. Where you going? We're going to work tonight. Not after that. That's my sign. That's it.

[C]

That's him.

[A]

It's a bad omen if you didn't get the sign from God. I did. God.

[C]

The reason I started.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So wait, you thought, like, the hotel was on fire and you packed?

[A]

Tell him.

[C]

No. He was just like, I'm done with it. It fell. Fire alarm went off.

[A]

I'm out. Think about going to your hotel room. We had a great two shows at Cobbs. Sold out.

[C]

Now you'll do a half full Sunday.

[A]

Remember we used to go up there and eat those chicken strips? And the guy would say, we're all out of them. And then we went and told the owner, and the owner came back with those because we would eat 30 orders of those.

[C]

We just keep eating, dude, it was free food. We needed it. We went to one time, we had the guy, Chinatown is in. In San Francisco. It's one of the legit Chinatowns. And Joey's like, hey, Tom, I want you to bring me somewhere legit. I want the. I want the real shit. Don't bring me to any of these white people's Chinese food. I want authentic. And he goes, I got the spot for you. I know it's. And we went down there, and it's great. These people are, you know, Mal's nephews working. And then we're eating, and Joey's just pushing his food around. Just, like, push it around. And he's like, joey, what's wrong? He's like, it's too authentic.

[A]

What was it?

[C]

Yeah, it's got the eyeballs in it still. You're like, I want less eyeballs.

[A]

Yeah, it's real. The only thing I ate was a potato pancakes. Yeah, they make those their own scallions. Alien pancakes.

[C]

That place is real.

[A]

Yeah, San Francisco's a little too real.

[C]

We had some good times in the road. The reason I started going opening for Rogan is because he was such a off. It was 50 50. He was gonna be there.

[B]

Did you, like, antagonize him to get him to leave so he could do time?

[C]

No, but we used to do this. We used to, like. We didn't want to have to go out to a nightclub because Rogan will take us there. We can't get a cab. We're stuck there for morning. Yeah, especially in Vegas. We're like, there is no clothes. So. But we, like, if we. If Joe gets drunk on stage, he's just going to want to go eat,

[A]

which is all we wanted to do.

[C]

And we're going to push him, like, steak, dude, steak. And so he knows if people from the audience sent drinks to Rogan, he's doing shots. So Joey would just go to a waitress and be like, say it's from, like, one of those tables. Set it up. Then I'd go to another one, like, say it's from this area. Ended up. And then the crowd got. They sent two, three more. And then he's bombed. And we're like, we did it. No club tonight. No club tonight. Going to get Brazilian steak.

[A]

I tell.

[C]

We get him so drunk, he's repeating jokes.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[C]

He's.

[A]

Oh, my. Jokes in Vegas. Remember when they pulled him on the wheelchair? What?

[C]

They had to take him out in a wheelchair?

[B]

How many shots did he send him?

[A]

All of them. All of them, dog. It wasn't just me. It was not good.

[C]

The crowd would get into it, too.

[A]

Oh, my God. That's right.

[C]

You forget you got the cheat code on a lot of people. You got the cheat code. You figured out how to, like, work them. If somebody, the audience, set him up a drink, like, nice. That's cool. You're like, oh, he relates to that. Okay, so now I'm going to do it. That you got. You got the slate and cheat code. You would always.

[A]

Ralphie. When I found out he fell through the stage in Houston,

[C]

he was so fat, he fell through a reinforced stage

[A]

with Ralphie. It was a sly thing. You couldn't insult them openly, so you had to work it into something. So I would go, oh, my God. Where were you last night? I was home, player. I was tired, my feet were hurting. Or whatever the fuck, you know. And then he go, wow, what happened? Ah. And you say a name. That guy was on the store, he was at the store, he ate a bag of dicks. And all of a sudden you go. Like you did at the Laugh Factory last Monday, player. I didn't bomb, motherfucker.

[C]

You know who you're talking about.

[A]

And after that, you just get them going. I know where you get your information from, player. Playboy. But I didn't bump. And I just get those guys started. And what I'm doing is an emotion and I'm. And to get Rogan started, you got to piss him off.

[C]

You got to get him a little

[A]

bit for him to go, fucking Joey. I got him when I broke the computers, remember I slammed Red Band's computer.

[C]

You were done.

[A]

And I threw it in the fucking wall. And Joe, what happened? This wouldn't turn the computer off.

[C]

Joe, he's like, dad, I'm done, I'm done streaming, I'm done. So you turn it off. He goes, let's just do a little. I said, I'm fucking. If they texted him, they texted Joey Diaz back then. He did not care for that technology. No, he did not care. And he also didn't know how to turn his buzzer off. So just bing, bing, I told you not to bother me. He would answer the phone on stage in Kansas City, different time zone. And he just answer.

[A]

You go, where the do you think I am at 8:24pm?

[C]

And they're like, Ah, it's 6:24.

[A]

Don't you ever call me on stage. And we had the value of going out with him and then we go back to the store.

[C]

That was our training Sunday, Sunday nights or Monday was open mic. I would go right back to death. Go from these beautiful, sold out 300 seaters, crazy audience. I could pause, I could like take my time back to the battleground.

[A]

Hobbs was the most interesting thing. We would sit by the ledge and watch the people in January. He always went up in January because

[C]

you could see over the.

[A]

And it was fucking freezing. And you see people lining up all the way to the top. That's when it was me, Ari Tate, Eddie Red Band and Duncan. Duncan, yeah, Duncan with the fucking Momo with. Remember we stay at the hotel on Fisherman's Wharf. That was ship.

[C]

Uh huh. They had the guy.

[A]

I stayed there years later with my wife and kid.

[C]

Yeah, they had the taffy there and they had the guy who hid behind bushes and scared people. Yeah, that guy ruled.

[A]

That guy ruled.

[C]

And you see him Once you got. When he got you a couple times, you're like, I'm gonna hang out and watch. He's like, sure.

[A]

You know, people have no idea how much I owe Joe because he introduced me to a complete different way to tour, a different way to look at things. Dog. Friday nights were like nothing at the store in 1997. 120 people. He would work all day, rehearse, then shoot news radio. And he'd always come in after a 12 hour day on the set for $15.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And I go, that's character. Because people get on a show, they're done. They're not stand up comics no more. Oh, I did that for a while, but now I'm a TV man.

[C]

That dude, he battled too. He'd go right at crowds. And they didn't. Yeah. News radio. Do you even know what that is?

[A]

No.

[C]

Yeah, okay. It was like the 25th rated show.

[A]

It's fine.

[C]

It was fine. It was funny. It was very funny.

[A]

Funny.

[C]

But it wasn't like blowing up the

[A]

charts or anything like that because they kept moving it. They kept it.

[C]

Never had Foley, the guy whose wife killed him.

[A]

Yeah, NBC. But, bro, I watched an episode last week where something was going.

[C]

It sounded like Andy Dick.

[A]

Andy Dick. Rogan. That chick.

[C]

And the. And the guy from. From the office space.

[A]

Oh, that's right.

[C]

That's my. That's my standby.

[A]

He played the radio. The radio.

[C]

She was the boss.

[A]

Phil. So good.

[C]

And. And he got guest stars on the Paula. People like that. But anyway, nobody really watches who come into the store. And it was a battle for him too. It wasn't like they were like, you're our guy. We'll do anything. Not like podcast time. He had to prove himself every time. And he went to battle.

[A]

Battle.

[C]

He'd see a couple comments bomb, and he'd be like, I don't want to do. And he would just go, that's. I'd be in the COVID booth just watching him, like watching heavy hitters go down one after other. Joe would always just like. You'd see him just kind of go like, no. And then just, I'm getting you guys. It was pretty cool to watch. And then we'd see it on the road too. Yeah, there was a couple times where they're like, I. I think you were there at some, like, Rhode island, like, boat house.

[A]

I was there.

[C]

And they were like, listen, this is a very conservative audience. You probably want to not be too dirty. And I was like, I was too new. And I was like, okay. And then I, like. I was like, let me try to be. I didn't know how to say no, or I know what I'm doing. And then I'd see him just be extra filthy. It'd be fine. And I'm like, that's. You just got to stand up for yourself.

[A]

You know, A lot of people like, oh, I stand up sucks. Now, let me tell you something. What was the room Vince Vaughn had? Were you in la? It was before Jay Davis's room.

[C]

Before Dublin's.

[A]

Before Dublin's, this was 25 yards. And you walk down the stairs. It's still there. They've tried everything. That's where they had the. That's where they had to make it. That's when I first moved to la, it was a little corner. You walk deep in there and that's how you got into the bar. But the first thing was a breakfast spot. Yeah. And then it became Naked Sushi, where they put a blonde chick with a pussy out and they put sushi on her. What, you had to take pieces off her Sashimi, whatever. I never went there. I love to tell you I went there, but I didn't.

[C]

Yeah, but up.

[A]

That room, that was. That belonged to Vince Vaughn. In 1997, Vince Vaughn was living with Ahmed. Ahmed.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

And the other guy, and this was Vince Vaughn's girlfriend, supposedly broke up and Ahmed, Ahmed and her got this room. Ahmed couldn't book it, so somebody was booking it. And the guy that ran it was very handsome. He was one of those dudes with long hair. And the chicks would hang out with him and shit. Kind of like a dick, but not a bad guy. He gave a stage time. I saw Prime Rogan there one night, but I also saw Prime Nick Depaulo in there. Prime 97.

[C]

That's what people were proving themselves.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[C]

You'd go on stage to prove yourself. It wasn't because of your fame level. It'd be like. Like Dublins too, especially. You'd be like, I'm gonna show these people who I am. That's that people went into show. Oh, there's all these big heavy hitters. Let me show them up. To show that I'm. I belong. It was a different thing then. Every night. You're going to prove yourself the best set ever.

[A]

I saw. No, it's tied.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I saw two brilliant sets. I saw Stanhope in there one night. I gotta remind me. And I saw Rogan in there. And Rogan was on. It was like the perfect set. That's when he Did End of Nicole. And he still had that set before the first cd. Yeah, his set was on fire. But one night, Stanhope was headlining and fucking Rogan was there. Now, this is before the weed. This is before anything. And I'll never forget Stanhope was buck fucking wild drinking. And at one point, he said he saw his mother's pussy and he stepped on it because it looked like a spider or some shit. Something to that effect. I mean, Stanhope delivery at that time was priceless. And all of a sudden, I get in the car with Rogan, the Supra, and I go, so, what'd you think tonight? What'd you think? And he goes, I don't know about that Doug Stanhope guy. He goes, he drank 16 beers while he did 45 minutes on stage. He counted the beers. That's how he was in the straight.

[C]

He was still a fighter.

[A]

He was straight, dog. And he. Watch it. Three or four drinks. I can't. I can't. He would watch it. Let's go to a strip club. And he would go to a strip club and come back because me, Ralphie and Ricky Cruz wouldn't go. What's the one on Sunset down the corner? The one fucking 50 yards.

[C]

The one that burned down with Jewish lightning.

[A]

Yeah, Jewish lightning.

[C]

Yeah. There was a. There was a bus stop out at the street that melted. That's how Joey's like. Fire doesn't burn like that.

[A]

I remember I signed with an agency. They don't exist anymore. 20 years ago. Nice people, but every time I. It was right across from that strip club. And when I signed with them, you know, I sent them, I called him, somebody referred me, I called them, and he goes, yeah, send me this. And then all of a sudden, he called me, goes, yeah, come in for an interview. And I went in there. The receptionist, as soon as I looked at him, like, he got this bitch from across the street.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

She had, like, dirty blonde. Like, the blonde hair that Floridian chicks have. Yeah, you get like, the one. I swap spirit, which they have like that. Oh, they have like that. That color. You know, that blonde.

[C]

Yeah, the light blonde.

[A]

What the was I talking about? You got me all set up. The who Salu called you. The receptionist. So after I signed with him, after a few months, the guy who referred me one day called me and he goes, are you going on an audition? And I'm like, yeah, they haven't sent me an audition in months. I don't know who's fucking up, the agent or that stripper. And I go, Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What fucking stripper you talking about? He goes, yeah, the girl in the front. He used to get lap dances from her at lunchtime.

[C]

Made her legit.

[A]

She needed a receptionist and he trained her and the whole thing. But then she didn't fuck him. And then she ended up leaving and went to a top management company in the Valley. In fact, Salu, I was with her when you and I went to San Francisco for that first weekend. She negotiated.

[C]

What do you mean?

[A]

Oh, we were, you and I co headline Cobbs in the very beginning.

[C]

Oh yeah, yeah. We did some co headlining kids.

[A]

Yeah, we did Buffalo. We had the shirts with Fidel Castro. Come on, those things are vintage now.

[C]

Those are vintage.

[A]

You're going to see those in 20 years.

[C]

We did a co headlining gig in Chicago. Our agent figured out what a Jew, this non Jew was. He figured out. He goes, you just got to sell the story. These guys sell out. So there was a House of Blues. That sounds like a real place in Chicago. 400 seats. Like you guys can sell that out. And so like Duke co headline it. We sold it out. And then other clubs like why you

[A]

sold out the House of Blues?

[C]

That's humongous. But the poster was like a card, like a. Like two kings and you flip it upside down and it was his face or my face and would have. It's pretty cool. Yeah, that Fidel Castro, Joey Diaz smoking with the Jewish on it. Oh, I gotta find that. We're in a yarmul.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We went overboard, Fidel. Those shirts went.

[C]

Those shirts went.

[A]

Those shirts.

[C]

Those are good shirts.

[A]

Wet like. And you know, it's, it's. It's. You know how people wear the Che Guevara. They don't even know who's on his chat.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Even though the Shay did and what he did. I might as well put Fidel on with a yarmulke. You know what I'm saying? Why confuse the. The allies. In 200 years we're gonna find out that's what it was anyway. All right, anyway, let's just drop that on these motherfuckers, you know what I'm saying? Who's really pulling the strings?

[C]

Dude, I listen to. We had some good fucking times. We had good times in the room.

[A]

Education of the Comedy Store.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Sometimes I do. Sometimes I get.

[C]

You would see human behavior in a way you've never seen before. You would see the way customers treated each other as couples. You would see how comics was just like. It was just the rawest form of life. And you would just get, just get into stuff. Make like midnight drives to Joshua Tree for five hours to do mushrooms and watch the sun come up. Just like on a whim. We were on top of the roof of the Comedy Store with the fucking rocket launcher, launching fucking water balloons at the sky bar at the rich fucking, you know, all those fucking people in TMZ, all those hot whatevers, the 20 year olds that run Hollywood. We're fucking launching balloons from across the street and down the block. And they explode next to their foot. They look around like, who was that? You don't know? It's down the block that's hitting you. And we're just like, do another one, dude. Someone told on us. I don't know who it was. So the cops start running. I think Eleanor was like, get down. And so we had to like run down. The cops were coming up. We hid in Mitzi's little alcove.

[A]

They.

[C]

They went up and then we snuck back out. We. We had so much fun.

[A]

You know, right now, if I come to you face to face like a man, smoke a joint with you, give you some edibles, maybe a shot of whiskey, soften you up, and I say to you as a comedian, look, in my world, where I came from, everything was an accomplishment.

[C]

Everything. What?

[A]

Everything was an accomplishment. Everything was an accomplishment.

[C]

Oh, I get it.

[A]

Okay, okay. Because I don't measure the end. I always went by inches. Inch, punt the ball. Inches.

[C]

I hear you.

[A]

Inches is what this life's about. Everybody goes for a touchdown. I knew it wasn't gonna work for me that way. I tried it and it didn't work. So now it's a game of inches. You gotta fucking fight for every mother fucking thing. But I think about anything I ever did that people go, you should be proud of that you should be proud of longest yard. All that shit was great. But nothing tops the education I got in that place. From 97 to 2006, there was nine fucking years of social and just like on stage behavior, how people acted, how people would go crazy if they didn't get spots. How people acted around Mitzi. Sure.

[C]

You know, and again, the kissing up. The early.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[C]

Early versions of like social climbers, like, whoa.

[A]

And you saw it. Oh, Missy, I made you a chocolate cake. Get the fuck out of here, Missy. One of the grandma blows. You don't want to chocolate fucking.

[C]

And Mitzi was wild too. She was so like, they had. They had Fat Tuesday was. It was that. It was the black night on Tuesday. It Was Fat Tuesday or php. Yeah. And then they had the black. Then they had. Well, not Manic Mondays. What was the Monday's one at the. At the Fly Factory. Chocolate Sundays at the Factory.

[A]

No, no. Something. And I got talent. This was the best lineup ever.

[C]

What?

[A]

It was a great show at the fucking. When I got there was Corey. Corey Holcomb. No, the original Corey. He had a. A name. He was big radio guy and he got developmental deal.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

He was a regular at the store. And Corey ran it on Monday. Really good looking dude. He ran Mondays. And I forget what that was. The hottest show, it was 36 minute, 17 minute white act, then a good white act like Bill Burt type white act.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And then it was all black after that.

[C]

Blacks would always have a couple new. Really throw them into the wolves. White guys, you have to. That's how I started. That's how Jay started back out of slavery.

[A]

And then on Mondays you had Latino night. So if you were fucking tip top. Because they put white people up there.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

It wasn't just about Spanish. They don't have enough. At that time. At that time it was Jeff Garcia. They had thrown the fucking.

[C]

The rest were still busy gardening.

[A]

But he didn't want me in there. But gay. The other guy, Gilbert Esquivel was the host and he booked it. So he always told me, you got a 20 minute spot in my will. So he'd give me 9:20 and 9:40. And then if you were a gangster, you ran to the Comedy Store for the open mic on Monday night. And I remember running to the store one night thinking I was gonna get on and it was Bob Saget on the list. Dave Battell. That was like the first time I ran. Like, oh, there ain't gonna be nobody there. Wow. And it was Bob. That's the first time I ever met Bob Saget. Then we hung out on that porch in the front. It was Bob Saget, Dave Vital and somebody else. And I remember going, holy shit. The things I. The education I got in there. I remember Dave me being with Mitzi on a Sunday. And David Tell came in and he was buck fucking wild like that. And he went up there and said something. Oh, anybody read about the plane that went down in Columbia? It's always a shame the real plane went down. He's like, it killed my pocket because I had 30 kilos on that motherfucker. And he just ran with it. He was just fucking going apeshit. I saw a lot of fun shit in there, man. And that's where you learn and then the greatest, Paul Mooney. He flashed up on my YouTube today and I watched.

[C]

Really? He would come in, he would always go on late, late. 11:45 after the lineup, we do 30 minutes. But he wouldn't bump anybody because he's always on the end.

[A]

I had a follow.

[C]

White people hated him, hated him, hated him. I heard, what's one chick there was a regular there, she was like, this guy's just racist. I'm like, yeah, I guess. I don't know.

[A]

Wasn't his boyfriend was white.

[C]

There's that too. He did the whole time, he goes, the N word.

[A]

I love it.

[C]

I say it every. I say it ten times a day. It makes my teeth white.

[A]

How you doing, guys? Uncle Joey here. Listen, if you like nicotine, you're going to love Lucy. Lucy makes premium nicotine pouches and nicotine gum flavors like Apple spice, espresso, Berry, Citrus. Tremendous. And don't forget my favorite mango. You understand me? Set yourself up for a subscription so you never run out. Listen, Lucy's the only pouch that delivers long lasting, on demand flavor. You're going to get 20% off your first order when you buy online at Lucy co. Church c h u r c h baby with promo code church c h u R C H. If you don't want to wait, check out Lucy's Store locator to find Lucy near you and grab it today. Listen, here comes the fine print, okay? Lucy products are only for adults of legal age and every customer is going to be age verified. So don't be cute. I'll go over there and I'll talk to your mother. This product contains nicotine and nicotine is an addictive chemical. So choose wisely. Let's go with Lucy. Hey, Uncle Joey here. Listen, I ain't got a mother, but Mother's day is Sunday, May 10, and I know you bums all got mothers, so listen, 1-800-Flowers is here to make sure you don't forget. This is the best deal you'll ever get. Come on, who wants to go pick flowers and be romantic? Listen, just take the bouquet. I don't even know what it is, Right? Every bouquet is picked fresh and carefully packaged and backed by a freshness guarantee. You don't have to get those roses. You get on 42nd street and they die when they go into war. There's not that type of party. So when do you get flowers for people? Right now, when you order one dozen roses. That's right. 1-800-Flowers will double your bouquet up to two dozen roses for Free. Who's better? That's for your mother. The mother in law. You know, she don't speak English, but flowers are nice. That's twice the flowers for your mother. All right, you got a mother in law. You got somebody, a grandmother. There you go. Who thinks about mothers like me? Uncle Joey. Why? Because she's dead. So Mother's day is Sunday, May 10, and bouquets are selling out fast. Trust me. Do not wait. As soon as you hear this, put the reefer down and call 1-800-flowers.com joey to claim your double roses offer before that gun. This is a great deal. Again, that's 1-800-flowers.com Joey. All right, 1,800-flowers. Com Joey. Tell him Uncle Joey sent. You're gonna love the roses. I'm getting some myself for my wife. And I'm gonna send some to some stranger. You know what I'm saying? Like that. I love you.

[C]

He was. He had so many good lines.

[A]

Oh, but he had. There was a machine. When I got there in 97 and I saw him, I shit my pants. Because I had bought his album Race.

[C]

Really? I didn't know him at all.

[A]

I bought the album Race. There was no Wikipedia back then. I just knew that he wrote for Samford and Son and he wrote for Richard Pryor. And I still remember being at the store and watching him come in and going, that's fucking Paul Moody. I had no idea he was a store guy. There was no Wikipedia.

[C]

I remember. I remember there was black scenes and white scenes and there was alt scenes and regular scenes. Then they were separated. New York and la separated. But like, I remember seeing in the back, it was. It was Eddie Griffin and it was hanging with Mr. Cooper.

[A]

Oh, he was good in this day, too. He's still a good guy.

[C]

I forget his name now.

[A]

Mark Curry.

[C]

And one of them was there and watching Mooney, the other one comes up, he goes, what you doing? And he just goes, watching the master. He goes, yeah. And they both just turned and watched this guy with reverence, a guy I'd never heard of, Paul Mooney.

[A]

I was like, oh. And he had.

[C]

So he would. People be leaving by the night over and over. As soon as you get on stage, before you even talk, people like, whoa, who's this? They would just sit down.

[A]

He'd walk in with, like, a hat and a robe.

[C]

You couldn't talk to him unless you complimented him first.

[A]

And then he had a run. He had a role.

[C]

Yeah. Had the little tiny champagne.

[A]

Champagne. He would have a roll, about eight minutes. That was possibly one of the best eight minutes I ever saw at the store. And it was that one. I say the N word 20 times, it keeps my teeth white. Yeah, and then he. But he would always close with something that is such a well written joke that people would go, ha. And then they would stand up and go, what the am I laughing at?

[C]

Which one? Not the chopsticks.

[A]

Look at. There's a white lady, she just ran out, she's calling the police. There's a black man on stage that won't stop.

[C]

Won't stop what?

[A]

There's an N word on stage that won't stop. That won't stop saying the word. N word. You know what that line was? You know what I'm saying? Like, this is. This is a legendary line. There's a brother on stage that won't stop saying brother. And he goes, listen, white people, before you go on hating, if you shake your family tree, there's an N word will fall out. And people go, ha, ha. And then they think about this, that sister in law, the kids got tanned, extra curly haircut. You know what I'm saying? Oh my God. They right, they're right. It's brilliant. So he would kill you and then pop that joke.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And then he take. Give you a breather. Look at white people. They're leaving already. And then he go, I knew Madonna when she was manana. That line used to always kill me.

[C]

He would do this thing too of pretending to not know celebrities names. I asked him about it once. He was like, and who's that?

[A]

Who's that fat bitch?

[C]

And somebody's like, aretha Franklin's like, yeah. Oh, don't get me started on Aretha Franklin. And I go, mooney, I've seen you do that joke seven times. Why do you say, who's that fat bit? Like, what? Why do you pretend to not know? Do you know her name? He goes, yeah, yeah. He goes, it does. I do it on purpose. One, it involves the crowd. And two, it makes me better than the person I'm about to on. Like, I can't even learn their name. Who? Oh, yeah, read the Franklin. Thanks. Like, I'm like, that's, that's, that's technique. He had one. So we got a, we got a letter. That's when people used to complain the hard way. They'd write something out, they'd set, they'd get a stamp and they'd mail it in. It wasn't just a comment. These weak bitches now just comment and move on. So they got a letter saying, Hey, I saw this guy. It was Paul Mooney. He was on last Tuesday. He did this. He was very offensive. He, like, angered my whole party. And I. I never see. So I called Mitzi. I was like, hey, there's a letter. What should I do? She goes, all right, write him back. They leave a phone number? Yeah. I was like, I call them, tell them they get two free tickets to the show, and tell them we're going to ban that guy. And I was like, okay, Tell him he's banned for like a month. He can't come here. Like, okay. I'm like, you're banning Paul Mooney? And she goes, no, just tell them that. He goes, we need the customers. And then call Paul and show him the letter. He'll want to see it, bro.

[A]

When I think about it, my heart skips a beat. And now it made me tighter with Paulie. Like, I'll talk to Paulie once a month on the most obscure call. Hey, dude, what are you doing? Holy what? But I always take his call because he's a brother. He's a fellow Marine. He was in the trenches with us. And we used to torture him back then. I would torture him every fucking time I saw him. Yeah. But I loved him because of his mother. And then we had a little fucked up time for a while. And then now I saw him in Austin and it's like seeing fucking your brother like that you haven't seen. I learned, you know, when I started comedy, Pauly Shaw was huge. Huge.

[C]

The 70s, it was prior, in the 80s, it was Kinison. The 90s was me, bro.

[B]

Was he big with Stand up, too, or the movies?

[C]

Mainly movies, but he did stand up.

[A]

He did stand up.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

No, I know he did stand up.

[A]

Yeah. Movies.

[B]

I love Paulie.

[A]

He was on mtv. Yeah.

[C]

He had some naked with the color Corn Pops.

[A]

He what?

[C]

Dancing naked with the Kellogg Corn Pops. That's all I remember when I was little. I'm like, what the Is this crazy person? He spoke to a generation. He spoke to Molly addicts, the first ones to speak to people doing ecstasy. No one was speaking to them. And he did. He's had a whole bit about, like, they take to DMV in Spanish, English, and, dude, it was about that type of Southern California. Yeah.

[A]

You know, just sitting next to her some nights. Seven days. And listening to her shit that came out of her mouth while comics were on stage. And she had no political correctness.

[C]

None.

[A]

And it was always not loud, but enough that you heard it.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Get this fucking Schwartz off stage. Get this guy off stage. Don't let him up. But the night that he's talking about was the kid from Houston that walked in there, and they're like, he's the next Bill Hicks.

[C]

The guy.

[A]

Yeah. And the guy shit his pants. And she's like, get him off.

[C]

Get him off. She. By the way, they had three minutes, and after one, she's like, enough. Enough.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Why? Why waste our time?

[A]

The Kenison light would be buzzing. Get him off the stage. He's bad luck.

[C]

That's what David Taylor said. Like, you know you're bombing when you can hear the light go on. It was like, nothing. And they go, oh, just that alone,

[A]

G. And that's how I became friends with Joe.

[C]

She. She had one time. She. She were in. I used to drive her around. She liked me. And I drive her home. We were in the com van, and. And Holtzman, she loved Holtzman. Loved Holtzman. Hated some people. Loved Holtzman. He was like this. She go, haul on Holzman comic. He goes, hey, Mitzy, what do you want to go. You want to go see a movie this week? She goes, okay, what do you want to see? And he goes, there's a new Planet of the Apes was just out. He goes, we can go see Planet of the Apes. And she goes, why, we can just come here on a Tuesday.

[A]

Like she was. And I was like, she was off.

[C]

What, boss?

[A]

What? She was. She would say some shit, and then she got it with me with the fat baby. But, bro, you know when somebody's insulting you and you know when somebody's saying shit to you out of love? And that's what I grew up on in North Bergen. They didn't call you nothing. Growing up to fucking make you feel good. They called you that to throw you a little off, so remind you who the fuck you are. And that's what she did. Fat pain. And then she come up to me and plucked the stomach.

[C]

Pop her stomach and go like. Like it was letting out air. Fat, pain.

[A]

And she'd go. And she laughed by herself. I remember she kept saying, oh, you have to go on stage with a Fidel Beard and a handcuff on.

[C]

I'd see.

[A]

You would do it.

[C]

She would say stuff to see who would do.

[A]

No, this is the deal. If you did it, you failed.

[C]

You fail. Exactly.

[A]

Throw you out.

[C]

You should go up to balloons. Okay, I guess I have to go up with balloons. Like, oh, loser. Yeah, you had a stupid.

[A]

You had a. No. Anytime she told you an idea, you had to, like, look at her and like go Mitzi, you want me to get you a tongue sandwich? Yeah, I get a throw off and that was a shit. The tongue sandwich.

[C]

Sandwich.

[A]

I took Freddie Solo's job and the other guy's job. I was the dude who went to the bank and made the runner.

[C]

You were the runner for a long. They trusted you with money, dog.

[A]

Listen to me, I was skimming off

[C]

the bottom too, bro.

[A]

I respected the Comedy Store. But listen, you got to do what you got to do on a Friday.

[C]

They used to have a thing where they'd be like, listen, we're failing business, double mortgage the place. And so it's like, it's failing. So they're like, hey comedians, if you want to take a 2 free tickets, like a 2, 2 for 0 hand. If you see if you're playing golf with somebody like you want to go to, here's a free ticket. So two drink minimum though. So they get some drinks off people that were never going to go. You know, you're at a Hollywood and whatever, hey, here I go. Okay, great. They'll go in and then they start going. If you pass out those tickets and people come in on two drinks each, we're going to make 50 bucks off them. So we'll give you two bucks per, per ticket that comes back.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

It's incentive. Another 20 bucks for the week to, you know, hand out 10 tickets. They come back. But that policy ended cuz Joey would just wait until the lot the entrance line of the Comedy Store and he go, no, no, don't pay. Here, take this. No, no, don't pay, take this, take this. He would cost him 20 bucks, $22 each because they ought to pay him and then they go where we can't and you can't do it anymore.

[B]

Would you give that like two or

[A]

three or you just get the whole line. She made me a regular right off the bat. A month. I was a regular in a month after getting to la. So right off the bat I wanted to be part of the Comedy Store. So they made me a telemarketer with Enz Mitchell. Chicken Vegas. My girl, crazy girl that's in Vegas, used to date and I didn't want to say his name. What the fuck's the matter with you? Shaima. Yeah, Shaima it was. And we all telemarket like hi auto body. We're going to give you 40 tickets Thursday nights with Dead and Wednesdays with that. So that's all I had to do. Yeah, was do that. That's how I started. Then they broke up the department ends. Mitchell opened up the club and makes notes. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then what did I do? And then she gave me even a better job.

[C]

I did every job there.

[A]

Okay, yeah, you did everything.

[C]

Phone, door cover, booth built the website. When waitresses were late, I would take over that assistant talent coordinator, Duncan. I did everything except go on stage. She wouldn't let me on.

[A]

She gave me a good job. She said, listen, be the doorman from 7 to 10 and then come in and host. She would pay me the 25.

[C]

And that's just. That's her way of saying, this guy needs money. I can't just give the money. I need to pretend to make him earn it. That's why Gabriel does the same thing. Nobody needs 17 openers. That's Gabriel's way of saying, let me help you guys out. She would give you jobs to keep you going. It's just like. It's not a necessary thing.

[A]

For the record.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

There was one particular day that tested who I was as a man, a comic, and my character. And I will tell you this. I think I told him once on here, I had a car that an agent gave to Josh Wolf, and Josh Wolf lent it to me. But the registration ran out, and I kept getting tickets in it until it owed like, $50,000. They towed the car. That's the story about my apartment got towed. Ralphie always told that story, apartment got towed for all this shit. So at that time, it was fucking insane. And, you know, we were snorting coke. That one crazy white dude was there from Florida. Don't say his name. He sold the club and. Off the hook when it was originally off the hook. This is 30 years ago. They sold that club. And the guy came to the Comedy Store one night with a hundred large. Everybody was getting free coke. And he was staying at the Sunset Motor Lounge. Across from Ralph's. Yeah, we were there four nights a week with this guy. Fucking snort. I mean, we went through periods that you would not believe at that store. Corey Cuomo. I knew Corey Cuomo, went Gentry when we used to fucking party in the building where Holtzman lived with the chicken. What's the chick that had the freckles? She was half black. I found myself at that apartment all hours of the night. So I'll never forget, on a Friday, you got your checks at like 5. That means I'm there at 1:30. I want to make sure the operation runs smooth.

[C]

If you run out of check money.

[A]

So every Friday, I'd be there at 2, I'd just sit on the stairs and get sun and drink free sodas, right? That was my thing on Fridays. But one Friday, I pull up, guys, and there's like four cases of Jack, another case of some fucking whiskey and beer. And that liquor store two blocks up from the store, right on Sunset. Before you hit the Chateau Marmont on the corner, there's a big time liquor store there. I go, if I walk in there with four cases of Jack Daniels on a Friday, you're gonna load them. I'm picking some dough up. And at that moment I go, can't do it. Because the store, I'm gonna end up just how I did my whole life. If I rob this, they have a camera somewhere, they're gonna see me putting in and my comedy career is gonna shit the pants just like every other career I've had in my life because of four cases of fucking Jack Daniels and two cases of Michelob plus or whatever the fuck it was. And that's when I knew I did everything I could out of that store. Dog, there was a time you did

[C]

everything when Joey hosted. That was your blow days. And you were so gacked, you would read the list of who's coming up next, but your other hand would just be like this.

[A]

I wasn't doing coke on stage. It was in my pocket, burning a hole in the mouth.

[C]

That's where you're like, come on, I want to get to it.

[A]

When I got to that stage at the end, when I would after. Listen, your last comic, I had a fucking genius plan. If I just put up the people on the list, I'm going to be there all night, till 2 in the morning. That 25 from making 8:50 an hour now becomes fucking 250 an hour. So I'm going to do this correctly. I'm going to call my friends Andrew, Ari, Rogan and some because the original list is hot garbage.

[C]

Hot garbage. It's employees.

[A]

And no, no, no, this is the regulars at 10. That's what I hosted. And Missy would watch the first 15 minutes or whatever. And dog, there was nights I went up there and we'd lose the room. We'd go from a hot because then they had to watch the open mic,

[C]

the train wreck, because you'd have Peter Chen going on all the favors you did. This guy's annoying. Let him go on. And it's like. And that's the room he's hosting Eddie Griffin.

[A]

Eddie, you feel like doing two hours? Come on down.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And they'd all be there on the List, they'd have their people there, the agents with cameras and shit. Is that big night. And all of a sudden Eddie Griffin would pull up, Andrew would pull up, and Rogan would pull up. And dog, you never saw 20 broken hearts like that.

[C]

And Joey's like, now I got three times in three hours that I got to be back on stage.

[A]

That gives me an hour between the cop pick up a victim talk and all this with Terry in the kitchen.

[C]

So once from 97, you were with Terry already then?

[A]

Yeah, from 97 to 2000. I was a man on a fucking mission in there. I took showers in the mornings when I was homeless. I get that 901, the little Mexican

[C]

shower back there a lot.

[A]

Shoot into the main room, fucking lay out, take a shower, drink some soda for breakfast. Gotta do what you gotta do, brother.

[C]

Yep.

[A]

Gotta do what you gotta do.

[C]

It's free soda. You just use that.

[A]

And I would get that 6:30 and take another fucking shower in the main room. So I'm tip top Magoo. So the balls are prepared for the evening lurking, you know what I'm saying?

[C]

I slept there a lot.

[A]

Yeah, come on, dog. That was a. For me, it was a cult. It was all I had.

[C]

There was nowhere to go.

[A]

There was nowhere to go. It was a bunch of lost people that just.

[C]

We had one time. We were like. We saw some. We had this thing we were doing. Where? You ever been there? You ever been there? You've been there, George? This comedy store. So there's like this runner like thing on the outside, the eye. The aisle on the outside that goes all the way back to the. The belly room. And you could sit on there anyway. We had to clean up like glasses from there and stuff. And one time, me and Renaizi and probably Ingram, we started like around. We're like, let's. Let's do this thing where we just take an actual bottle and like smash it. And like in the movies, like, I'll kill you. And then we just started setting it up. We're just like, hey, one of us is going to bump the other as we're walking by. And we just like, you know, we're friends, but no one knows. And it tells there. And he's just like talking. He didn't come much. And I think Renezzis and I were like. He like bumped like, you got a problem, man? It's like, do you got a problem? And I just come the on and

[A]

we had Ingram hold me back and

[C]

it tells like, you guys are nuts. He just took off. What the is this. We had fun. We brought. So we. So we figured out once you could take those bottles and where the trash can was in the corner, the dumpster, try to like launch them and I mean, it was 60ft and try to get it in the. And some would go in, some would just smash around until we had all the bottles and somebody comes back from the back. The recycling, which is this much of bottles. We're like, let's go. We're just throwing them all. Oh, we had a good time there.

[A]

No rules. No rules.

[B]

I'm so jealous.

[A]

It was the best.

[C]

They called it a dark years.

[A]

Fuck that. They called the darkiest because there was an audience.

[C]

But then we got to do whatever we wanted. Bobby Lee was the biggest star in the world because he's making 5k a week on Mad TV.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

How many spots were you guaranteed a week?

[C]

Me? Just my employee spot.

[A]

I got four. Four to five.

[C]

I'm guaranteed any.

[A]

I always got spots. In fact, I'm still in touch with my favorite fucking talent coordinator. Who?

[C]

Scott. Scott Day.

[A]

Still in touch with him.

[C]

He was before my time.

[A]

Did you like him or no?

[C]

I. He's before my time. I. Cory, when he.

[A]

When I got put on, bro. Listen, here's the story. I got to la, I got pulled and Latino nights were big. So I snuck in the improv on Latino night, on a Sunday night. The guy maybe wear a suit. But when I'm on stage, I saw that they had the little top window and it would slide. I saw the window open and the dude watching me improv at the Improv. 1997, the first Sunday in town. I got there fucking Tuesday. First thing I did. No, I got there Monday, went to Acapulco, got the all you can eat buffet for dinner. We were broke and we went to the Comedy. We went to the Comedy Store. And your buddy, you know the dirty show upstairs, Ben. What's his name? I can fucking. The fucking dude that does the opening for Kimmel. Oh, Barris. Barris was hosting on Monday night. Yeah, And I remember I got there and I'm like, hey, I'm Joey Diaz. Who the are you? But then James Stevens III walked in and I had opened for him in Seattle and he stopped and talked to me and Barris goes, you know him? And I remember going up on a Monday to four people. My heart was broken. But at the same time, the comedy

[C]

stores, I'm used to it because that wasn't one time only you got to go up to four people a lot.

[A]

Yeah. And I Went up there, I went home and I got up at six in the morning and went to the Laugh Factory. Tuesday, I did the whole system. And he told me never to come back, that I was Jamie. Yeah. He goes, you're a cabaret comic. Wow. Move to Las Vegas, dude.

[C]

We had. There's a clean cop in Hermosa Beach Comedy Magic Club. It was clean except when Rogan was there. And they told. They told the audience because Rogan's like, we know there's a clean club. Just so. Everybody bought Texas. Just so you know, this is a dirty show this week. So if you're here for our regular stuff, it's. It's not. It's not that, like, okay. He warned me. Love Rogan. And then probably the two. We went twice, you know, went one one weekend, another weekend, and then the third, we went. They go, yeah, you can't bring Joey. And he's like, why? He's like, he's too dirty. He's like, but I thought you'd tell the crowd. He goes, I know we do, but he's too dirty for me.

[A]

He got some of Rogan never took the gig again. Yeah.

[C]

He was like, well, that's. That's my last time then.

[A]

Never took the gig. He stood by me. So these were the situations we were building already.

[C]

We learned to be loyal.

[A]

Yeah. We had the same attitude. We were all chasing the same fucking thing.

[C]

And just a good. Just a good set could call back, learn how to do something. You're like, nice, well played joke there.

[A]

There's nights I would need. Unless Rogan came. When Rogan came, I knew because I could always talk him into eating late

[C]

night at the Standard or Thai food.

[A]

No, he would take me to the. The yellow spot, pink dot. We get the turkey and.

[C]

Oh, really? From there.

[A]

That's a nice bread. Back then with the macaron, they had a great meatball sandwich.

[C]

They got good sandwiches right next to where I lived.

[A]

They had liquor, they had condoms, everything. It was one Top used to come in. Huh?

[C]

One of the guys' Easy Top used to come in.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Pay with two dollar bills with stamps. Eat. He'd stamp. Eat pussy on the $2 bills and pay every time with one $2 bill. It was crazy. With his long beard is 170.

[A]

It was like being in the Marines.

[C]

Yeah. Joe's always good with money. Like Jo was, you're broke. Come on, just take the food.

[A]

No, come on, eat something. And he would take it to the Standard. I knew the menu. Whenever Joe would say, you hunt. Because I Would talk Joe into eating, and then he'd go, are you hungry? Nah, nah, I ate already. But I know he's gonna go, come on, come with me to eat. Just sit with me. And he would get, like, a cheeseburger, a steak, a lobster tail after one. And they would make a mean blue cheeseburger. One of the best I ever had.

[C]

You know what I just realized? Joe Rogan ordered, like Ralphie May ordered.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

One of each. Pretty much. He's like, just get. Just get them. I'll eat some.

[A]

One of each.

[C]

Ralphie would finish it, but Joe would eat some. You know, it's funny, they ordered the same.

[A]

You know what the problem with Americans? And I want to break it down with you because you'll understand. You know how people set all these seminars up? How to get rich, how to become successful, start your own business at home. You know when people get involved in that, after you pay the guy the two grand or whatever, and the council tells you you have all it takes to make 2 million a year, you know, you do believe it and you don't believe it. In our religion, we saw it.

[C]

Saw what?

[A]

We saw people that had no money. And one day, overnight. Overnight, yeah, it was really overnight.

[C]

But not overnight to, like, doing well to doing.

[A]

Ralphie May0 went from living in that fucking apartment with roommates to a fucking, you know, like a fucking place in Beverly Hills. The first apartment during. Did you ever go there where the barbecues were? It was a gated community, and he had the fucking pound of weed in the middle. He had the fucking table, and he had a pound of weed in the fucking thing. He would invite me over, and I tell you, yeah, go get a soda. And I start taking buds out. I'd walk out of there, buds would be falling on the fucking floor. It was dog. When he hit. When Josh Wolf hit, when he got his.

[C]

I saw Josh open mics before, right?

[A]

Before. Yeah.

[C]

Open open mics at coffee shops. The Unurban on Pico and. Right. The 405s. He's there, and then all of a sudden, he's like, got a development. Here's a chunk of money. So Ralphie outside the Improv once, and he. It was like, new to weed. It wasn't legal. Wasn't even in stores yet. He had a. No, I'm not lying. It was about this big. It was something to see. And he was like, all right, check this out. I was like, what the fuck? I wasn't even smoking just a little bit. I mean, it was literally this big. I was like, that's the craziest nugget I've ever seen. That's crazy. He goes, nah, killer, that's for you. I was like, wait, what? This is going to last me a year. Dude, that.

[A]

When I lived in that apartment with my wife, we weren't even married.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I wouldn't have. Weed was broke.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I couldn't ask my wife to give me 20 bucks for a bag of weed. And he would tell him he was going to pick me up at three. I'd be at attention with a suit on, and that would pull up at seven, and we'd go to that weed store in the corner. And he would spend two grand like it was nothing.

[C]

When he moved to Nashville, he said. He said, I need breast strips. Two to a pack breast strips. I think 50 each strip. So 100 total. Maybe I used to split them. But he goes, get me. I don't have my license anymore because I'm in Nashville. Get me as many as you can. And I was like, should I ask for a deal? He goes, why do you think I asked you? Yes, get me a deal. Get me as many as you can. Oh, yeah, I gotta pay full price. Shafir, where's the weed?

[A]

It's 420, you know, you just see, I still remember George Lopez.

[C]

He could treat me like this on 420.

[A]

Oh, my God. Oh, your weed.

[C]

Where's our weed?

[A]

Where are we smoking? We can't smoke on YouTube. They're.

[C]

I can't sit over there.

[A]

Nah. But then what are they gonna see? The smoke? It's that.

[C]

Whatever. Okay.

[A]

All right. And look at Lee. He can't even move. He hasn't said a peep.

[C]

I just saw that clip of Lee and me just going. Did you see the one with Lee's going, yeah, that wasn't even the strong ones.

[A]

Did you see the one with me as Jesus put my hand on his head? And the Trump picture is. Somebody duplicated it. But that's one thing I'm very proud of. What? Like, I still remember becoming a regular.

[C]

Yeah, that's the biggest.

[A]

Going on the road in 99 and walking into, like, the Indiana funny. Boom. And they would give me, like, a hard time, like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[C]

I'm a Comedy Store regular, and I

[A]

would just rip out the. Because I would steal the resumes every night, the lineups off the wall. But you're a young kid. That's you. Yeah, you got Paul Mooney on that lineup. You got Ari Shapir, whatever his name. Is you got. You got. You guys all. Got me all complete. Was that Shapiro? You got all these names on the list. That, that's.

[C]

And you're on with them. So it's like you.

[A]

This is me. Yeah, you're running here, but I'm at the Comedy Store, so you better recognize. Bartender, open up a tab on the fucking house. You know what I'm saying? Like that. You get that you don't feel that way. You don't talk that way.

[C]

That's the feeling. You would go like. They'd be like, I'm an LA comic. I do a guest. Like, where do you perform? Like the Comedy Store. And they're like, oh, all right then, yeah, you can do one.

[A]

Listen, I just moved to LA and I knew the Tory brothers. Dynamite people.

[C]

Yep.

[A]

In fact, he just called me about six months ago to make a video, Guy Tori for his son in law. He goes, ma', am, my son in law loves you. Can you call him cocksuck on a video and send it to me? And I go, absolutely. Guy Tori was always.

[C]

And you knew Guy Tory before he got American History X.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

That's before he got teeth. So he was. This was Guy Tory. He was a janky tooth. And here's the three tooth. Guy Tory was a different man.

[A]

I don't know if any of these guys know this or America knows this. Ed Norton came to Fat Tuesday to see Friday the Guy.

[C]

Chris Tucker.

[A]

Huh?

[C]

Chris Tucker.

[A]

Chris Tucker. He saw Joe Torrey and gave it to him.

[C]

Guy.

[A]

On the other hand, Bruce Willis came to the Comedy Store to see Eddie Griffin, but he gave that role to Chris Tucker on the moon. Chris Tucker was on the movie with Bruce Willis on the moon and shit. That happened when I was there. Like, I saw these motherfuckers walk in and all of a sudden they're in a big time movie and Ed Norton's coming to Fat Tuesday to watch him perform. So from the Laugh Factory, they would recruit from Latino Night. Wow, The Big Brother. They're still in St. Louis running shows. I asked Guy, Tori or Joe, whenever I see him. They're still in St. Louis running that Fat Tuesday. We got to get a hookup for that because I love to go see those. They were very good to me in the beginning, Fat Tuesday. Now I think they run something equivalent to Fat Tuesday, but those guys took care of me to this. You ready for this, motherfuckers?

[C]

Yeah,

[A]

they saw me. What are you getting? It's not over there. Oh, all right. I did Latino Night on Monday and the other Guy with guy Tory. The big guy saw me. He goes, hey, man, how would you like to do Fat Tuesday? And I'm in LA six or seven months when he said Fat Tuesday. I worked upstairs in sales. Remember I told you that? And I would see the guest list for Fat Tuesday.

[C]

Jack.

[A]

It would change your life.

[C]

It. Every high level black poet in Los Angeles was there.

[A]

Every black director, the dude that made

[C]

Black Knight, all of them.

[A]

That list was like, you look at it and go, what the.

[C]

They catered. It's interesting how each of the black knights cater to a different audience. The comic store fantasy was the upscale. It was like singleton and like. And like all these super high level artists and like Shaq and like Lakers were come in. And then till years later I didn't go to the improv black night on. On Monday. And I went. And there's metal detectors.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

It was like, oh, this is hood black.

[A]

Yeah, it's hood black. On birthdays, they throw chicken wings at you if you like. It's not.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

It's not good. They did.

[C]

They. They'd clear them first, but they would.

[A]

They throw it.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Fun.

[C]

I never saw. I only saw one of those.

[A]

I ate a bag of dicks at the Black Knight. I went the first time on a Monday night and did great. So they promoted me to a seven minute spot.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Here's the clinker. It was all superstars. It was a superstar lineup that I walked into. It was like two comics. And then they put on Doug Stanhope.

[C]

Oh, no. Really?

[A]

And I was gonna follow Doug Stanhope and I didn't care. I was following him at the store, eating a bag of dick. I knew how to follow him because I'd lead off with one of his most filthiest jokes. So if he ended with something filthy, I would zip into that, add a tag to that thank Doug Stanhope and run with it. If I got him, there would be no thank Doug Stanhope because I knew I was never going to get him again. Why pause, right. Doug Stanhope goes in there and he just wasn't getting them. He just wasn't getting them. So what does he do? He doubles down and he tells a joke about. It's easy to get away.

[C]

It was like he.

[A]

But anyway, at the end of that joke, it was the nword.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And Chris.

[C]

And you can tell. I know Doug standup enough. He's so quick that as one joke's getting like a B minus. Whatever he go. He's doing. He's almost like pausing time and going, which way should I go with this? Now, I could get him back. I could take a chance, or I could punish them and he'll decide every time.

[A]

And he started saying that shit. Chris Tucker got up in the back, goes, get that motherfucker. Get that white boy off the stage. And people in conjunction, get him off the stage. My boy got up there. Let's keep it going for Doug Stano. Crickets. Coming to the stage, my Cuban homeboy, Joey Diaz. Boom. Hey, how you guys doing? Rickets, rickets, rickets. I could all. I could hear what the waitress was getting the order. Let me get a Bloody Mary and order chicken wings.

[C]

Hear the pencil, dog.

[A]

I walked out of there and I went on the road.

[C]

You can't see me again.

[A]

Broke me that hard. But the funniest ever was at the store on a Tuesday night. Waiting for that, holding on to the audience, because if there was no eight people, you wouldn't get paid at 11 o'. Clock.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

And everybody would go to the two other bars, so the original room would be empty. Everybody knew on the Strip, don't go to the Comedy Store on Tuesday night. It's black night. But it was fun.

[C]

It was fun.

[A]

Like, they shot people there years before. Like, Tupac got into a shootout.

[C]

There was, yeah. The manager head down with their foot on his neck and like, shoot him. And then that. That somebody had, I think, Eddie Griffin. I'd be like, he's cool. Please don't shoot him. Yeah, yeah. One time, Earthquake saved me.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

From what I was. I was. You'd think Earthquake wouldn't save you in Los Angeles, but this is the man, not the. Not the event I was. Sometimes they play the music so loud in the front bar, you could hear it on stage. And it just bugs me. It's a pet peeve. Like, you're messing up the show. The show should be untouched. So they're partying, the front, blasting some music. I'm like, what the. So I come running down in a kind of a huff. And I was like, hey, turn this music down. Like, it's coming through. And I guess two brothers were like. I had just been like, hey, turn this up. We like this song. And they just see some white guy going, hey, turn their music off. And they. I kind of half saw it after a second, like, you know when you realize, like, oh, that just happened. I was walking back and they started coming at me. And then Earthquake goes, no, no, no, he's cool. He's cool. And they were like, all right. And I Was like, wait, what just happened?

[A]

Almost.

[C]

They were ready to fucking kill me, dude.

[A]

It was my first time in Fat Tuesday. Lee, you're gonna shit your pants. I'm doing comedy seven and a half years, okay? I'm a regular at the store. I'm eating shit two nights regularly. You know, you gotta follow Dom Herrera or AJ Jamal or one of those. Oh, and he invites me to do fat Tuesday, early 8:15. I'm in and out of there, $35 cash. Fucking. I walk in there and I'm in the green room and they're talking about a guy coming in with a wheelchair, right? I'm like, who the fuck? Like they're making room for a guy in a wheelchair. And finally the show started. I lost my thought. I was just focused on doing well. I had a 10 minute spot, Lee. Like I was banking my life that one of these producers were going to see me and put me in the next big black movie and shit. I go up there, Lee, and I'm rocking. I'd done Black Rooms before and I didn't know how to deliver my material back then, but I knew how to chuck and jive. I went to prison. I knew the jokes would hit. I did well up to the seven minute mark. And then I could feel that the chucking and jiving was enough. You gotta get em. But I look over in the main room to this Mitzi's chair. You know who the guy in the wheelchair was? Who? It was Richard Pryor. Oh, shit. And my heart just dropped. And what? I had to stop the show. And I go, listen man, the reason why I'm in here is because of. Was it something I said? He was like half up already. And then when I got off, he shook my hand. I just walked out. I was like, that. That was my Fat Tuesday story. Then he put me back on two or three other times in there.

[B]

I'm just jealous of like, I don't feel, and this is nothing against where I perform, but I've never felt like I've had a home.

[A]

No, you don't like that?

[B]

I can be like. But like, do they have spots every night while.

[C]

No, it was a home. No other comic in LA really had it except a few guys at the Factory, you know, but really it was like, was a home. Like you would go there on the way back. You drive back from San Diego, you get back at like 1am from doing spots. Get back when I'm like, let's go to the store, I'm not going to bed, let's go to the store there to be somebody there, you know. And then you would. And you stay till three, smoking, drinking, or not or neither. Just hanging out.

[A]

I got a job selling screws and nuts on Ivar. I had to be there at 4 in the morning because it was 7 in the morning in New Jersey. And I would sell. The contractors in New Jersey, they bought breakfast. I would go in there, coming down from a Coke like I would snort and stop at 2 and walk in there at 405s still twitching and shit. And I would send fax. And that's how I started going on the road. I would work 4 to 11 and after 9 I wouldn't do anything. I was just putting my schedule on and fax them to comedy clubs. Whether I worked them or not. I just sent them from some book. Dah dah fax. Hey, I found out the name of the manager and every morning I would send out. And all of a sudden one day I started getting fucking faxes back. Hey, are you available? Org? And I went to the Comic Strip in El Paso. That's where I learned all that shit. And from there I took off on the road because I learned how to add feature weeks. And guess what? I'm at the Comedy Store. If you got an emcee week for me with a hotel, I'll take the $200. I'd rather have 200 in Coke anyway. 200 in Coke, 400, I'm gonna do coke with it anyway. That was the mentality. I was gonna be the best comic I could. And that's what it taught you?

[C]

Yeah, it taught you that. You also taught I would watch you, Joey. It was like you were like the most actually, you and Paul most like yourselves on and off stage. There was like almost no real difference. And everyone else had a little bit of a. To be too insulting. But like an act, you know, they put on some airs. And you were just like the same guy you were talking, saying this. And then you'd be like, oh, you're on. Like, oh, excuse me. And you just continue the story up there. And you watch that as a young, as like a brand new comic. You'd be like, I think that's why she set it up. It was like, watch these guys who look who does stuff well, look who does stuff bad. Learn from the bad ones and the good ones. And you like, everyone did one thing better than anybody. You know, the way Barris would like get a late night crowd. Just get them, you know, grandmothers and like, and like hood, hood people. And he Would get them all together. He would go to, like, legitimately. Someone brought their grandmother when she was like 70. He goes, look at you, dirty little slut.

[A]

That was the craziest.

[C]

He goes, you filthy little pig. And she was like, oh, my God. And I'm like, what a chance you took. And he knew how to do it. Oshak had the best writing and you were the most like yourself. And you'd watch these guys, you're like, what the fuck?

[A]

Look, let me tell you the education I got, okay? And I was trying to explain this to Lee. I hope I explained this again. And this is for anybody who does anything. How many Sunday nights did I host in front of him?

[C]

A billion.

[A]

And then she would catch me bombing the main room from time to time. I never really bombed in the original room. But think about in your world. In your world, like the Arabs believe if they stab a Jew they get 82 virgins, right?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And that's their world. I'm never going to change that. But in my world at that time, I had no family, I had no kids. She fucking left. I was living on a floor, an apartment. All I had was that Comedy Store in Mitzi Shore. The other day on the way home, my daughter was crying after a softball game. And I held her hand. I go, I remember still crying, leaving the Comedy Store, thinking, I'm never going to get another spot there again. I had to follow Rogan or Paul Mooney or some Dave Attell. And after sitting next to her, it was a confidence that I rose. You know what? I got time to go headline. No more. I'm a fucking headliner, bitch. And don't worry, I'll fit the fucking 45 minutes. I don't know what I'm going to say. I ain't fucking getting 400 a week from you no more. I lifted myself because she made you

[C]

want to get out of that dog.

[A]

Think about you having to perform in front of the President every week for 20 weeks. How much confidence do you have? Well, it's a bunch of roughnecks out there, bitch. I perform for fucking the President and the other long haired fucking vampire every week. I do what I want fucking you to judge me. Like I got to that point. Like I dare you to come up to me and say something to me about material because I'm running at this shit at the store in front of Mitzi Shawnee. She ain't got a problem with it.

[C]

Then you don't.

[A]

You better not. And that's why I started accepting the dirty stuff. You Know when you're. If you're on the fence, you're not going to become a comic. Pick your fucking battles. If you're going to be clean, be clean.

[C]

She never cared about dirty too.

[A]

No. But I learned how to push the

[C]

envelope in front of her one way or the other. She didn't give a shit.

[A]

She didn't give a fuck. As long as they laugh, go do well.

[C]

If she gave you a suggestion, she was like, I don't. She was pretty much her going, I don't know what's going wrong. Thumbs up. Maybe, I don't know, wear a suit or like. But she's like, I don't know. It's just. The reality is it's not working. Make it work. And if you made it work, she was fine. And this was just like. Yeah. There was no pretense about clean left wing, white right wing, you know, social, the family, that none of it mattered. Just go, be funny. And we. You'd go on after, like, super clean comics. Super dirty comics. You just find your own lane.

[A]

Then there's the idiots that I have to leave early. I have to do another spot. The improv. You get off stage, you got a drink, you get your dicks up. They're still talking to some girl in the hallway. They didn't want to follow you.

[C]

Yeah, they want to follow.

[A]

That shit didn't work the store. No, you got tortured. You got to do it.

[C]

No, you couldn't get up early. You just weren't allowed.

[A]

You just like dirty and he talks. You're going up, son, or shoot to do your 10:30 at the Improv. Yeah, but don't sit here and come.

[C]

She go later.

[A]

The fucking mechanics of it, the fundamentals, the whole. She.

[C]

She had once when I was working, Duncan was gone on vacation, and so I was doing the lineups with her, and she had. She had Tanya Lee Davis, a little person comedian, funny.

[A]

Hit by the car. I totally. And she rolled under. It went right over. Yeah, poor Tanya Lou.

[C]

But.

[A]

But I got to become a friend on Facebook.

[C]

Holtzman hated her. Holtzman hated following her. He just was like, it's a. He say it's a circus act, and I hate it. They're not. They're laughing at physical stuff and not. I hate. Anyway, so I'm making the lineup. She goes, okay, how about Argus at 9:15? Then this guy. This guy. All right, 10, 10:30, Tanya Lee Davis. Then. Then something else. 10:45. Then Holtzman. I was like, oh, I thought you like putting Holtzman after Tanya Lee Davis. She goes, what do you mean, why? I'm like, because he said he hates it. I thought, I thought you like, isn't that what you usually do? She goes, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Switch it. One time she. I was trying to get her to come down for, for showcases. She was sick now. Old and sick, she kind feel out to it. I go over there, she'd be watching the news all day at 8 o' clock on Sunday. Like, can we please just switch it to the Simpsons if we're not going to go, don't touch my tv. I'm going to the kitchen then to watch. But anyway, she was like, I don't know if I feel like. Mitzy, come on, you'll feel better. You'll go down there, you'll crush some people's dreams and you'll come home. And she goes, yeah, let's do that. Yeah. She was like, that is good. One time we had a meeting when I was doing the, the webpage.

[A]

Oh my God.

[C]

And it was a P. She was talking about the old days. She goes, they all get paid in, in checks now. In the old days they got paid in cash. And the, the coke dealers would be there, they get paid in their cash and they go right to buy coke. And I was like, oh, yeah. She goes, yeah, now they just go home and watch tv. Like that was way worse than doing blow.

[A]

I still remember every time I did something and she would never get mad at me, she'd always ask me for my opinion on the matter. Like, can I talk? You know, she would talk to me like I was off the hook, like nobody's gonna say nothing to me. And then she'd go, oh, you can't take your balls out on stage no more. Okay?

[C]

That's another thing. People go, oh, you took your balls out. I am honoring my teacher, Joey Diaz. It is the way I pay tribute to the people that came before me. The first Joey would fucking go like this with a dirty towel that the Mexicans use in the back. Fucking. He'd go get it and go. And he'd go like this. They just shake his pants. They couldn't hold up over that belly and they just plop out the Cuban egg roll.

[A]

The best thing I ever did. Where was Judy can see Otti was on stage on a Tuesday night and she's bombing. And I would take my clothes off behind a curtain and every time she crack a joke, I go. And I close the curtain up and she thought she was looking around. I'd be balls ass naked back then. She ended up suing the store.

[C]

She sued the store?

[A]

Yeah, she sued the store because. Embarrassed and all that, but still, the psychology.

[C]

So funny.

[A]

The following. I hated following Don Marrera and AJ Jamal. And she would put me behind them every Saturday night. And it was like driving to get shot. It was like I'd be on Sunset, passing the hot dog stand, going, why am I going here?

[C]

This isn't the right order. But she's like, yeah, this doesn't matter. Tonight. It's like what you're talking about with, with softball, where it's like, if you're playing on your middle school team, take some chances. If you're playing in the away league, that's when you got to play your position. But play out of your position on a day, it doesn't matter. She's like, these days don't matter. I'm going to put you on after someone tough. Sanchez said that she made him follow Dice for a year. Yeah, Dyson his pretty kind of his prime. And. And he goes first. I was like, I guess I should like try to be extra dirty to follow that dirty. It didn't work. It was. And then I tried for another few months. Let me try the extra clean. Maybe that'll work. Didn't work. And then he finally goes, I just gotta be funny. And then he figured that out. Yeah. You said, gotta be you in three minutes.

[A]

Be you. My assignment was Sundays. She would give me a spot. Mondays, maybe Tuesdays, you tried to stay out of the store. I needed cocaine and I needed the front money. And maybe I'd find a cell phone. Wednesday, she always gave me. Always gave me Thursday and then two spots, you know, the main and that room.

[C]

She loved you.

[A]

Oh, I loved her. I loved her because she got me.

[C]

She didn't try to touch you, your personality at all. She tried to bring you in and

[A]

that was the deal. She came in one night late with Paul. I remember Paul Mooney walked in there one night with Sophia Loren or somebody with. No, no, not Barbra Streisand, but the one that was with Sinatra. He told her to get a hanger when she was pregnant. Elizabeth Taylor, he walked in there with Elizabeth Taylor. And Luca came in with Sophia Loren, dog. Yeah, she used to fucking go to that pizza place. They walked in. That's Italian beauty, dog. I was like, what? I saw a lot of late night freaks in there.

[C]

But what we say, she let you be you.

[A]

She would make me go, how many nights you gonna keep bombing after Paul Mooney? Wow. That's always like on A fucking. That's like my whoop watch. You run 11 miles, you get off. Excellent job. But you could have ran 18. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck you and your fucking.

[C]

Oh, Mitzi.

[A]

How long?

[C]

Maybe switch it up.

[A]

Yeah, how long? And it was so. It was like magic. I don't know what the she was doing.

[C]

Eventually figured, yeah, yeah. And even the people who didn't get it served a purpose. It's like the. The Indian uses every part of the buffalo. The people who were just garbage and everyone knew it and got a lot of spots, like this guy. That person would drive us. Like, this guy gets spots. This guy fucking sucks. Oh, yeah.

[A]

Why can't I get a spot? And it would just make you like,

[C]

I gotta get better. So that awful comic would make all of us raise our game. It was pretty wild. It's like, either he's going to succeed or he's going to make all these people succeed.

[A]

I figured out following Paul Mooney, my material went out the window.

[C]

Interesting.

[A]

First off, it's 12:15. It's late, whatever. Nine or 13 people there, they've heard everything already. They were probably at a club trying to eat some pussy and they got turned down. And that's why they crossed the street in shame and came in here. You don't know who's in there at 11:30, 12. So I learned how to go up behind them with number one, energy.

[C]

Energy.

[A]

You better show some fucking energy. You better get Jeff Scott to play the piano. You come up there dancing, crack a joke about Ricky Iglesia sucking dick, or the other guy, boom, now you got a different energy. Whatever joke you wrote that was brilliant. At 8:30 at the coffee shop. That's an idea.

[C]

Forget it.

[A]

Going to work at 12:15. Following Paul Mooney.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Why are you referring to that notebook? At 12:15, take that notebook, shove it up your ass, rip it in half. Ain't nothing gonna work in there.

[C]

He's got to survive.

[A]

Dealing with 80% of people are what at 12:15? Hello. High drunk, retarded. They're just sitting there with the girlfriend because she wants. This is fun. And the guys that they worked all day. So what are you doing at 12:15? Going up there trying to be Johnny Carson, dog. This is when they need Joey Diaz on the corner outside of Ashways with eight motherfuckers in the middle. And you're just dropping. Now. Look at this fat fuck getting off the bus. Look at this ugly fat motherfucker. You know, that's what they wanted at 12:15. And from there you Put together an act. Yeah, right.

[C]

Maybe get a joke here. Maybe say something on the spot that could turn into a joke. Maybe.

[A]

What's going on, Lee? It's all over. Look at. Then Yahoo.

[C]

He's off thinking about taking over the west bank.

[A]

And. Yeah, two things I want to drop. Number one, if you think what I'm talking about is bullshit, go to the Comedy Store. We'll get you a meeting. And ask them to bust out the archives of the people who were regulars there since 19. And you're gonna see they all went into either stand up comedy. Tom Hanks. What did he become, a pedophile? Nah, Tom Hanks.

[C]

Coach.

[A]

Who's coach? Coach. Andy Garcia. Started as a phone guy. Rosie o' Donnell was there.

[C]

Who's the guy with the up foot in. In. Was it whatever. One of those Adam Sandler movies. He had the. He had the frozen foot that turned black.

[A]

Not the Bob. The old man.

[C]

Latino.

[A]

That old dude? Yeah, that's in all of Adam Sandler's movies. That dude is from the fucking Comedy Store. The dude that's.

[C]

They'll work there, they perform there.

[A]

The son in law in the movie with Clint Eastwood. That fucking. He hates Chinese people. Oh, yeah, the one he torches. The little Chinese guy next door.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

The Cambodian dude is straight Comedy Store dude. And then let's talk about R. Williams and, and.

[C]

And all the Grinison and all those people.

[A]

And Richard, it's a legacy.

[C]

And you're on the same stage with them and they haven't even cleaned it. So you're, you know, you're on there and we're doing guys, we're doing stuff. I mean, I've gotten my dick sucked on that stage during the show. It's not even a. It's a. It's crazy nights that happened. There was some porn star that was like, I'm gonna. We had a big dick contest. Let me. I'll. I'll judge. Bear's like, how are you gonna judge? She goes, my mouth. Like, okay. It's eight people in the audience. They're like, this is standoff.

[A]

We're like, not really.

[C]

I don't know. No one's here to fire us. And you'd learned how. You'd learn. Get it. You'd just get a spine. You'd learn how to survive in those moments. And it wasn't about. It wasn't about your materials, about what you're gonna do with it later. I saw Steve Simone once go on after Louis CK in about 2015. This is Prime Louie. Nobody knows Steve Simone. Even now he is in my storytelling show the End. Get it right [e-mail] but he went on to After Louis CK did 20 minutes just crushed. And then Steve gets on and I'm like, what's going to happen here? This is, this is the Wolves. He's. And he does this thing where he goes, oh my God, Louis CK everybody. I was like, okay. They all clap. And he goes, isn't that crazy? I'm. And then he goes, I was in the back, I was like, I can't believe it's going on. We all got to see that. And then the crowds, instead of like talking about what they just saw, he's like, oh, he's going to lead us to talk about what we just saw. And he goes, you didn't know you were coming. Did you know you were coming out for that? No. It's great. Stuff happens, guys. Stuff happens when you just like, like go out and try. And then he like slowly moved into his material. He got him so hard. He got a standing ovation after Louis CK As a. Nobody stood him up on his own on talent alone. And then like three or four years later, I had to follow Dave Chappelle in his prime. And I was like, I'm doing that. And I'm like, can you believe it? We got. And then like five minutes in, I'm making fun of the way he holds a cigarette like a fucking first time smoker. And now they're. I've got him. And I'm like, I learned from Steve, like, how do you follow these guys that they just want to see him back? And it's like, oh, you got to be with the crowd for a minute. You just learn technique that'll help you. Marilyn Martinez said it the best. She goes, the order of a show on the, on the road. It's the wrong order. Opening is the hardest. That should be the headliner. He's the most equipped. But they give it to the least equipped. Give it to some four year comic. They can't know how to handle that. And that's what it taught us. We had to. How to. How to rise to the top in tough moments. It was crazy. It was a crazy place. It was a crazy fucking place.

[A]

I still remember waking up on the floor in Ralphie's apartment. Hungover. Maybe a dollar thirty in your pocket.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

No money in the bank. Fucking. You know when you wake up, you take a. You take like a moment and you open your eyes.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you thought about what really happened last night. And you're like, yeah, you have ketchup on your shirt.

[C]

And all of a sudden you went

[A]

to eat at 4 in the morning at that place. My point is, like, I wake up now. Like when I was doing it on Ralphie's floor, I'd wake up and go, what the fuck am I living?

[C]

What is this life? This can't go on.

[A]

I don't know what this is. I gotta wake up now, get trash, leave without Ralphie hearing me try to clip a dollar from him. Because in those days there was no money. Hopefully Ralphie got a ten and a dollar. He won't miss the dollar. And I could go to the gas station and get an orange juice and start my day from there. Maybe I go steal a pack of cigarettes at the gas station. And that was my day.

[C]

You knew where all the deals were. You knew where the best. I moved to Poinsettia off Melrose. And you're like, the walk, the walk, it's right there. They asked for the fucking meal deal. That'll last you three days.

[A]

And during acting class, I tell you, I took you to a place on Santa Monica on the Corner. This is 98, 2000. 2001, Ari. I was going to Ivana Chubbuck and I would take the 10 to 12 class. And before you went to the Comedy Store, we would meet on the corner. And there was all you could eat. The all you could eat Chinese store with sleep wishes he could be at right now.

[C]

Joey Diaz could make an all you can eat map of Los Angeles from memory.

[A]

Oh my God. Because we were poor. You got six dollars is you have

[C]

McDonald's had a 29 cent hamburger day and. And a 39 cent cheeseburger day. Sundays and Wednesdays, I forget which was which. Those were my days. Five cheeseburgers, please.

[A]

Yeah, Wendy's bacon. No no no. The. The other cheeseburger they had, it was 50, 60 cents and a bowl of chili. That was my lunch. You spread the word because I could borrow two bucks and you get all

[C]

the Coca Cola you could drink at the Comedy Store.

[A]

You get a small Coke. And then if you thirsty, you walk to the comedy.

[C]

Those are calories.

[A]

And you can sit there all day drinking ginger ale, cherries from the fucking thing. So this show that got released last week, what made you want to do this again, brother?

[C]

Oh, my show. I think it's about hbo. I was like, what? I got. I got to get on this. I'm always looking for new recommendations. No, it was. You know, it was. It was just Ari storytelling show for a While then I renamed it this is Not Happening. You've done a ton of them. Then we did it on television. And then the. This goddamn cunt of an industry took it away from me. I sold a special Netflix, Comedy Central, whatever, whatever. Who gives a. Anymore? But it didn't end the right way. You know how Breaking Bad ended the right way and Six Feet under ended the right way, and other shows just kind of ended.

[A]

Probably those ended the right way.

[C]

Yeah, they did it on their terms. They wrote out the ending. He went to fuck it. He goes, I don't want to be here for the end of this. Game of Thrones ended the wrong way. It just kept going. And I was like, I gotta end this the right way. So I was like, you know, it's enough is enough. Segura's like, I'll help you. I got a whole. I got a whole, you know, employee group. We'll help you. Because the show is big for him. The show was big for you, Ali. Ms. Pat. You know, you're a Mount Rushmore, like, storyteller comic. And there was that thing of, like. So people would ask me, too. They're like, I would go over the stories with comics when we were doing this not happening. This is a completely unrelated show at the end. It's available [e-mail]. but I would go over people. People, like, come see my story. I'm gonna run it on stage. I'm like, all right, I'll come down there. I'll work it with you. I'm not a producer, but I'm a comic, and I'll help you. And we do it every month at the Improv. I would start. You did the first one we ever did in the back, the backside room

[A]

of the Improv, the Pink Floyd story.

[C]

You, Marc Maron, Steve Agee, Madonia, talking about getting up on mushrooms and running down fountain with no clothes on, getting arrested. Carboni. It was a great one. And then he was so wild with stories. There was no place for that on stage. On regular stage, there's no place. But eventually it became, like, a little bit more of a thing. And then I would go work out with people, but people ask me, like, well, do you go over Joey Diaz's stories with them? I go, no.

[A]

He's proven.

[C]

Also, when you did the Zoraida story, I think it was called something at a funeral. Yeah, I forgot what they titled it. They didn't always title them.

[A]

Right.

[C]

They fought me sometimes on titles. But the Zoraida story, you were like, I'm Only going to run the. I'm only going to go over the first part. The second part. I don't want to. I'm not going to go over. I don't want to have ever said it before. Okay, but you're like, the first part. I'm gonna run the joke. Joke parts about what happens at a Cuban funeral. Those are worked out like jokes part of the story. Describing setting up a scene the way prior would at Cosby would. You know, setting up a scene. And then it got, like, serious. And they like. There was no place for that in Stand up back then to go serious and not in an intentional way the way Edinburgh hours do. Like, let me go serious. You were like. You were going serious the way me and Big J and you even, like, do dirty. We're like, guys, I'm sorry.

[A]

I don't want to do this.

[C]

It's just coming out. I get. If you walk out, like, no, you're not wrong. You should probably leave. This is disgusting. I can't help it. And that's. That's how that serious was in that. And that's a Rider story. Was so. And it was like, I had to go on after that. I was hosting. Was a. Cheetahs couldn't even speak for a while. I was like, crying. I was like, teared up and crying. And I was like, joey Diaz, one more time. And then I had to, like, wait for the applause to go because I had a guy.

[A]

I couldn't go. Let's be honest here.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Men. Honest. In hindsight.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

All my special sucked because I had a showcase. The material dog again. We're gonna go back to this movie.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Because the guy did a tremendous job. And I read on it for years. Why and how. I even read Jack Nichols, Jack Nicholson's view on it. He would not learn his lines until the day of. And he would read them once and he got fucking. They did skits about it on Saturday Night Live. He would scotch tape the lines. Marlon Brando. So all those scenes in the Godfather, in the. In whatever hotel, the Regency, when all those guys are standing, they have footage. Like, not footage, but pictures of what it really looked like.

[C]

The hotel in Cuba.

[A]

No, no, no. When they went to the hotel in the city. You know, if anybody should hurt my son. Yeah.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Oh, if he gets hit by a bolt of lightning, then I will blame some of the people in this room and that I will not. That's a brilliant thing. He did that looking at him. They showing him. They shoot him looking like that with his Arms folded. But meanwhile, when I'm reading, he's just. He's got the sign on him that says the lines in big fucking words like. Like, you have to do Italy right now. Like, that's my boy. It's 4:20, motherfucker.

[C]

Happy 420.

[A]

So he would do that because it wanted it to be organic. And I'm gonna be honest.

[C]

You are organic. That's what I'm talking about.

[A]

You are you for that stories, for those stories. Anybody can make you laugh. Let's see if I can make you cry and fuck with you a little bit.

[C]

Well, so you challenge yourself at first. You did just make him laugh at first. You beating up a nun, shit like that, that's just funny. It's hilarious. You're. You're a punk fifth grader. Whatever.

[A]

Now let's suck them in. Let's tell them the underbelly. I.

[C]

But that's you going, I've done this enough. I want to learn this part of my game. I want to learn a different part. It'd be like Shaquille o' Neal going, I'm gonna. You're gonna see me next year in threes. You'd be like, what the you talking

[A]

about how organic it was when I did the. There was two stories that I have to look at myself and go, Joey, that was a therapy session. Because the time I talk about hitting the nun, listen to what I say before that. I never even thought about that before I got on stage. I could swear to my daughter, I never talked about that pain that had been in me since 1973. My dad had died, Bruce Lee had died. You know, my. There was shit going on in my house. My mother had shit going on at the bar. And I was the only white kid in the all black karate school. I get kicked in the stomach every other week. How do you think I fucking felt at that time in my life? How do you think I fucking felt? And that came out, dog. I said a line in the nun story that when I think about it, I got a hole in my stomach. That was not on the agenda. Right? That was all. And that's when I go, the Puerto Rican kid, a little Roberto Clemente looking motherfucker. When I said that, look at the react. I was in shock. They even knew who Roberto Clemente was. I was in shock. But there was so many. Sometimes before I go, I have to do a big show and I'm nervous. I'll put what's happening on and I'll watch what happened. How I got them to suck in. I did that all subconsciously. Man, I wish I could tell you I was prepared for those. I knew where the story started and I knew where it was gonna end. Whatever came out in the middle, well,

[C]

that was you being you. That wasn't the. I wouldn't call it shucking, but it was like.

[A]

It was.

[C]

You just be trusting yourself. It was. It was like you could just trust it. People are like, how come you don't go? I'm like, dude, because he's a master. So of course he does whatever the fuck. He's proven it.

[B]

So.

[C]

Yeah, I don't.

[A]

First of all, I live the story.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

So it's not. I wrote this fucking thing, right? This is nothing to script. There's no script. Right. There's the beginning, the middle, and the end.

[C]

No, but it's also, how you say it, what analogies you're making.

[A]

You know, when I take you in that Zoraida cemetery, you can see I can't control myself towards the end. I'm living it. Well, because also, you go like, you only need three motherfuckers to survive, Dog, I'm breaking down inside.

[C]

But it was like, this is what's crazy about it. You start with this hilarious, like, let me tell you about a Cuban funeral, how everybody's doing whatever and going nuts and overboard, crying, giving out, get whatever. And then you say, like, how this lady took care of you, so you set up this, like, mom figure. Really, she became your mom. And then almost any other great comic, the story ends with Zoraida dying.

[A]

No, I don't know if she died. I don't know.

[C]

But you. But I'm saying that's what would be right. What you did is you moved it to, I'm a piece of. This lady took care of me. And I'm a piece of. I abandoned her in her lowest moment after she took me in, and I wasn't even her kid. You made it somehow not about yourself, but, like, yeah. You weren't condoning any of your behavior. You were like, that's bad. And you were like, this level of regret that anyone can relate to on moments you just can't get back. And you just have to live with failure. And that's what life is just living with. Like, I'm not going to ever be able to correct that. It's not like I missed a shot in game seven. Next year. We'll be back. I'll get my chance. You'll never get another chance. We've all had those moments where you will Never get another chance to correct it. And it'll just make you a stronger person as it makes you a weaker person. Because you're like.

[A]

By me telling that story. Yeah, it made me really strong because that's what happened. People want the truth. This is what fucking happened. I was so caught up in that Miami run in California, my uncle, that I was so ashamed to call her. To tell her what? I couldn't lie to her to tell her what was really going on. That's why I didn't tell them the story. She came from my mother's cut on the street. I couldn't call her up and go, this is what's going on. It was not accepted. So I waited till I got clean off coke for maybe four weeks so I could call her honestly. And that's what happened. She went off on me for not being there. And I remember just dropping the phone because she wasn't lying to me.

[C]

She was not lying.

[A]

I fucked up and I can't bring it back. And I'm broke. I'm living off people's fucking couches. So that's how the story ended. And, dog, every time I come up here and I have to drive downtown, I think about Zoraida. On Sundays when I go to. When I go to get the pincho, I don't go there to fucking eat the piece of meat. I go there to fucking remember when I would meet Zoraida on that corner every Sunday, and I look at the bar and I remember us being outside and taking pictures and shit, you know? So I tried to honor her with this, right? Tell them the story. Tell them what really fucking happened. She was a hell of a woman. And it put me up there to knowing what a real woman is the rest of my life. We're not looking for the pretty one. Anybody can get a pretty girl. We're looking for the one that has got a gun next to you, right? She was one of those bitches. So. Because anybody could be good to you when you're alive, but once you die, are they gonna come to your house and give you a kid, a 500 bill on Christmas? No. Just another Hollywood icon that. It was a shame.

[C]

It was a shame.

[A]

What the fuck did you do?

[C]

Yeah, he didn't know him for years.

[A]

You took money out of his fucking pocket with a storyteller show, whatever the fuck. And now you can't take care of the kid. And that's how I feel about our friend. Do not mention his name, the big guy. You know that I would love to give Back everything that he gave me coming up. Because let's face it, if it wasn't for Rogan, Ralphie, it was like three guys, man. You. This French had started over, me borrowing $200, and you're saying I'm never going to see that 200 again?

[C]

He was like, all right, come on, come out. 200 bucks. I was like, I mean, I. It was like I had these savings that were going down, and I didn't know how to say no to him. I've told you this before. I'm like, all right, for 200 bucks, I guess I'll never have to loan him more money, but I'm not. This guy is a criminal. I. And no one's. No one's helping me out here, saying, hey, don't do that. I'm just a kid. I'm like, okay, yeah. And then the next day, here you go. I'm like, what? Here you go back. Oh, wow. How you doing, man?

[A]

I'm Ari. And then became tight on the Rogan thing. And then one day, I'm like, hey, man, I call you up and I'm like, hey, man, I gotta borrow a buck fifty from me. Like, hey, yeah, come over. He goes, I'm auditioning for a commercial. In fact, there's a role here for you. You want me to call the Korean guy? And I go, yeah, yeah. He goes, come on down. I'll give you the money and audition.

[C]

Boom.

[A]

I nailed the role. That's how I got with Lawrence. Lawrence called me. He goes, you got representation. I've been trying to nail you for years. I go, wow. Boom.

[C]

Dude, I have a joke in my Juice special that's coming out. Actually, they're putting on Netflix, that Juice special. There's a joke of, like. Like, we're the second smartest race in the world. Jews are the second smartest race in the world. And then I realized the audience, like, wondering, who's first? I'm like, korean. I'm thinking about Lawrence.

[A]

Lawrence.

[C]

I'm thinking about Lawrence Har there. He was a baller, but. Yeah, but seeing you on those shows doing stories like that, you and Jay and Pat and Ali and Sha, Patton, Bert, and then everybody, too. Every. Some of the guys had one great story, but, like, seeing these math, these hall of Famers doing it, and it was just like. I mean, it was my show, but also I was an audience member. I'd bring you up, then I'd watch. And so I'm telling you, I was crying after I brought you up. I. I was like, joey, and then I couldn't talk. I couldn't talk. Dude, you're gone. And I'm telling you, like, I wanted to do that again. I wanted to do it again. So it's like, fuck, I don't need Comedy Central anymore. I'll just pay for it. We'll just do it. And me and Eric Abrams, the ones who did the show before Segura, loaned us a little bit of the extra money and helped us and like, yeah, we did it.

[A]

All right. I commit for the second season.

[C]

You were trying, trying your best. Your knee fell off in the middle

[A]

today I'm happy it's 420. It's a convoluted 420. Look at Lee. He's all four 20th up. He just nodded into the microphone and woke himself up. That's the best thing since the Twitch episode when he fell asleep on the computer.

[B]

Will be on camera.

[A]

So you got no dates coming up.

[C]

I got. I'm doing a storytelling show in the Netflix Festival May 7th. That's it. That's fucking it. Until January. Well, also, I'm on Legion of Skanks every Monday. Okay, three for life.

[A]

And then so you leave in May.

[C]

When you come back, come back right afterwards. We'll hang out.

[A]

You'll be in a Yankee game after that.

[C]

Yeah, let's go to Yankee game.

[A]

I want to do a co headlining show with you in a theater in Manhattan. Like a six week series. We could possibly do it at the Sony theater. It seats 500. We could pay two other comics come up with us. You know, one of the girls, some of the guys that you know, you know and do it.

[C]

Let's do an old school on them payment blow.

[A]

No, we can't pay people what I thought.

[C]

We're talking about the old days. You got me locked in.

[A]

No, this got me locked in. I ain't giving nobody Fentanyl. I'm too old right now because I gave some 20 year old some fucking powders in New York. Let's just keep it to the comedy. Yeah, I'm joking. Like a McFlyers. Like we did the Castro shirts with Netanyahu on the back, you know, let's go.

[C]

I like that.

[A]

Let's go. We gotta fucking listen. My dream was to take over the boroughs like Castro did. He took over the Provincius little by little. Why, father?

[C]

You wanna take over the main borough?

[A]

Let's take over Jersey. Then we took over Staten Island. We took over Brooklyn. Next is Queens. And after that we head into the city. By that time, Ari will Be back. My leg will be ready and we could do something crazy. Ahrii. I don't give a. If I get arrested.

[C]

I didn't get let's get arrested for words. Let's do Lenny Bruce, you know, let's go get arrested for words.

[A]

Let's go do it like an eight city tour. We'll take Lee, he's the king of Swing up front. Yeah, we'll get three Jews and a

[C]

cute fall asleep in front of us.

[B]

Why is the aim to get arrested though?

[A]

We gotta make a gotta aim for it. You want to leave something behind for your kids to be, that's the way you prove it.

[C]

You want to hit one over the fence.

[A]

You don't want to just do comedy. You want to be fucking comedy, brother. And sometimes if you got to drive with a flat tire for three days, so be it.

[C]

Been there.

[A]

It's a rental car. No fucks given. You sign the agreement. You know what I'm saying? That's what I'm talking. It's not comedy. It's a state of mind, Lee. It's a state of mind. Let me tell you something. All that confusion. You're going to write some of the best material you've ever written in your life. Yeah.

[C]

There's no sink or swim.

[A]

There's no nice hotels. It's super, super rates. You get the little towel and they smell like you know what. So that's what a tour is at the end and call it. That's it. If I make it out of this tour, I'm lucky. This is when you just hung a niche and go, I don't know.

[C]

How about the Ayatollah Kumeti the comedy.

[A]

He's been deaf.

[C]

Okay, who's this ayatollah? He's not Ayatollah Khomeini.

[A]

I don't give a. A different one with a missile.

[C]

That's nice.

[A]

And everybody holding one of a machine gun. And then yahoo. Whipping us while we shoot people.

[C]

Look, I'll put it on my leg.

[A]

Make videos of us helping Netanyahu. Ho, people. Do you want the cigarette? And you still doing a podcast now?

[C]

You took a breather now travel podcast. The one you did at your place here for the last time.

[A]

I was very fun.

[C]

You be tripping. That was fun. Doing a lot of them fun. I recorded a year ahead of time, before I went on vacation, before I went traveling. I got a year's worth ahead of time. So I was off in fucking Brazil, partying in Carnaval. My podcast was still coming out I was eating steaks in Buenos Aires. My podcast was still coming out just

[A]

for you young comics at home and Lee and everybody. Ari and I had a conversation about 10 years ago. Here we are with CAA, the world's number one agency. And me and Lee are like, what the fuck is going on? Nothing's going on. We just keep going on the road. And it was funny at one point I go, you know, we always thought that when we got with a big agency, you could just sit back and smoke cigarettes. But no, you still gotta hustle more now because now they put you in the A league for sure. You've been walking around in the A league mentally.

[C]

And Johnny Manziel was fine in high school. When he got to the pros, it was game over. You got to try.

[A]

You gotta try.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And it was really weird that we would say, we would sit behind those Comedy store steps at 2 in the morning and devour your dreams to each other. Yeah, man, I can't wait. What? I'm. I'm never gonna get bumped by Eddie Griffin again. I can't wait to get with caa. This shit is not gonna happen. It's all. You just learned a lesson. And guess what? You could be with two of the best agents in the world. You still gotta hustle.

[C]

Yeah. You gotta make your own way.

[A]

You gotta make your own way.

[C]

We got lucky. Our agent was with somebody else. Then CAA lost half their agencies overnight one day. And then they asked our guy, like, do you want to be. And me and Joey were like, so what does that mean for us? He goes, it means you're with caa. Like, what the.

[A]

Like, we didn't get side with them. What? We went from Hudson county style through the back door. Yeah, through the back door. Through the back door, just like that. And I kept my mouth shut. I hinted once or twice about the fucking theatrical. They shut me down. I'm like, you know what?

[C]

Whatever, whatever.

[A]

I don't give a fuck, Jack. I'll get to them because they're like the mafia dog. You got to show up every time, get a piece.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And I sent it quick. When I land, that's the first check. My right, they got the commission Tuesday. I don't want any problems with them.

[C]

Keep them happy.

[A]

I don't want any problem because when you owe them, they. It's not good. They're the Jews. They're the real deal. And that's why I'm with them. I love them to death. No complaints here. But it's funny that we're with the best agency.

[C]

You still gotta work.

[A]

You still gotta get up every morning like your ball's on fire even more than when you were 26 or 27. So if you're an open Micah and you think you're working now and oh, my God, I can't wait till it gets easier. Bitch. At the 30 year mark, you're still waking up eating cereal, going, what am I going to do? Am I end up on a ship or playing the ukulele at somebody's house? It's real. It's real. You know how fortunate we are to be here to talk about stories from 97 on the Sunset Strip, 2004, getting the longest yard, watching all of us grow. I still remember our boy. When he came to me one night, it was like a dead Thursday night. He's like, joey, I just got my seventh producer session and I can't book a TV show. And he had sadness. And I looked at him, I go, brother, if you booked, if you went to seven producer sessions, you're right there.

[C]

You're right there.

[A]

Yeah, you're in the machinery. You're not a civilian no more. You're in the machinery they're talking about. You're making people think. And two weeks later, you got that stupid show on fx. Run is easy.

[C]

Run is easy.

[A]

Yeah, I still remember.

[C]

Yeah, he was taking. He was taking inner city kids on tours of the trees up on Laurel Canyon for nothing.

[A]

He.

[C]

The only way he made money was to steal the Comedy Store left and right. He would be like, one for me, one for you, one for me, one for you. And he paid his rent on that. And then one day he was just big, but. But, right, he was in the mix. But like you said. Well, you've seen these stories enough times. You're like, I know how this is going to go. I remember Tim Dillon going like, oh, it's tough for me. I'm like, tim, they're talking about you. I can hear them talking about you. Like you're about. And now it's up to you how much that'll do. You get into drugs or women, well, that was gonna be his problem. But if you get into drugs or her ass, pussy, sure, that might, like, take you off your track, but they're talking about.

[A]

You're.

[C]

You're on this escalator right now. It's up to you how far you want to go. But, like, trust me, you're gonna be fine. I think six months later, he got new faces in Montreal, and then he was off to the races. And then, like you said, cover the spread. Did the extra work. But, like, you could just know, like, dude, you're about to. You're about to be fine. Colin Terrell on this, on. On the end on the storytelling show, he. He's like, dude, you're about to. You can see these guys getting frustrated. Like, you're about to get.

[A]

Listen, I took a bunch of edibles too, but I'm in training. Cut this episode short before Lee falls off that couch and then we're done. Because they'll sue everybody. I'll instruct them. I'll say, sue me. Get 70, 30, whatever. I'm in.

[C]

The insurance will take care of it. Yeah.

[A]

Almost fell before you got to pay that. You got to pay halfway slanted. Like one. Like one of those junkies you talk about that you walk by in the city. You're making me nervously.

[C]

He's got the lean, he's got the weed leaning dog. Gotta get in training. You're right, buddy.

[A]

No, he's okay. I love you, brother. Thank you, buddy.

[C]

I love you, too. So great to see you.

[A]

I wish you.

[C]

I missed you so much when I was gone. I know you don't have a passport because of your past crimes, but you would have loved a lot of these places that I went to.

[A]

I know I would have loved a lot of things over there, but you know, the Lord disagrees with you. Me and the eight grand I've already spent on false promises.

[C]

I got my 200 bucks, so I'm good.

[A]

Someday a senator is going to hear this and fucking reach out and go, joey, listen, I did the background.

[C]

Okay, you're good.

[A]

Let me just make the fucking call. Shut it down, and then I'll make the call to the State Department. Where you want to go everywhere. China, Hong Kong.

[C]

If you just played Toronto, you could sell out the city.

[A]

No, no, no, no. That's. Listen, that's Canada. That's a complete different animal. Those, they don't play. They're like herpes. They never forget your sins.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And try getting in there. You're not gonna get.

[C]

You want to go to Amalfi coast and like that. You want to just.

[A]

I want to go to Italy.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I want to go to Spain. Need some paella. I want to do those type of things.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Listen, if we're going to walk around and look at churches, Leave me at home. Leave me at home. I got a bum knee and a fungi toenail.

[C]

I went to Cuba. You would have loved that.

[A]

I know. I got 3,000 steps today, right now. With this knee. After that, my knee starts to hurt, so I'm happy. I'm having surgery next week. At this time next week, I'll be fucked up at the house, brother.

[C]

You got that good opium?

[A]

For the first two or three days, I'm gonna go with the pain pills because what are you gonna do? Yeah, I'm getting all these cartridges. Some guy gave me, like, a recipe to kill pain, at least by 40%. He said he got off the opiates in, like, eight days.

[C]

Can I give you some advice? Every time you do a pain pill, do two shots of Jack Daniels, and you are nice.

[A]

That's okay.

[C]

Take it or leave it. Hey, my advice, you take it or leave it.

[A]

Listen, I give a lot of bad advice, too. I love you, motherfucker.

[C]

Thank you, Lee.

[A]

I love you, brother.

[B]

I love you.

[A]

I I. What'd you say?

[B]

So I love you too, buddy.

[A]

All right. I love you guys. See you. Insane. Bad time, Same bad channel. Yeah.