At Least I'm Not Lying with Paul Virzi

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament Episode: At Least I'm Not Lying with Paul Virzi
Release Date: February 25, 2025
Hosts: Joey Coco Diaz and Lee Syatt
Guest: Paul Virzi

---

Reunion and Welcome [01:25 - 03:00]

The episode kicks off with Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt warmly welcoming their guest, Paul Virzi, back to the show. Joey humorously remarks on Paul's sobriety for the evening, setting a light-hearted and relaxed tone for the discussion ahead.

Notable Quote:

• Joey Diaz [01:59]: "We're back, bitches. What's happening? We got my main man in the house tonight. Mr. Paul Vizzy."

Personal Anecdotes and Substance Use Stories [03:00 - 12:00]

The conversation delves into nostalgic and often humorous anecdotes from Joey and Paul’s younger years. They share stories about their experiences with substances, including high doses of supplements like Onnit's Alpha Brain and past encounters with laced weed, highlighting the unpredictable nature of their youth.

Notable Quotes:

• Paul Virzi [04:40]: "I remember this weed was laced. I was staring at my buddy's kitchen floor, and everything started shaking."
• Joey Diaz [09:15]: "A yeast infection. And then something started hurting in there."

Comedy Career and Challenges [12:00 - 30:00]

Joey and Paul transition into discussing their careers in comedy, emphasizing the dedication required to succeed. They reflect on the difficulties of touring, the exhaustion of performing multiple shows, and the impact of aging on their performance abilities. The hosts stress the importance of perseverance, quality over quantity, and maintaining authenticity in their acts.

Notable Quotes:

• Joey Diaz [29:35]: "But once you get over 40, man, all that shit gets funny."
• Paul Virzi [25:07]: "I don't want to be every [expletive] doing everything, judging everything."

Impact of Social Media on Comedy [54:34 - 65:00]

The discussion shifts to the role of social media in modern comedy. Both hosts critique how platforms like Instagram and Twitter have changed the way comedians interact with their audiences, often prioritizing quantity over quality. They argue that excessive focus on social media can detract from the core craft of stand-up comedy, advocating instead for genuine engagement and honing one’s material.

Notable Quotes:

• Joey Diaz [58:32]: "If you do something good with it, and then once I stop doing blow, then the sky was the world."
• Paul Virzi [54:47]: "Just get good."

Touring Experiences and Audience Interactions [30:00 - 50:00]

Joey, Paul, and Lee share vivid memories from their tours, including challenging interactions with audience members. They recount instances of disruptive behavior, emphasizing the importance of security and maintaining composure on stage. These stories serve as lessons in handling adversity and the unpredictable nature of live performances.

Notable Quotes:

• Paul Virzi [43:07]: "He shut the [expletive] up. What the [expletive] did I say?"
• Joey Diaz [71:16]: "Somebody was drunk, and it's one of those dudes that she wanted to come to the show, but he was like, he's not funny."

Balancing Family and Career [50:00 - 65:00]

The hosts discuss the challenges of balancing a demanding career in comedy with family life. Joey shares how having a daughter motivated him to prioritize personal time over relentless touring, leading to a healthier work-life balance. They highlight the sacrifices made for their careers and the personal growth that comes from reevaluating priorities.

Notable Quotes:

• Joey Diaz [52:36]: "Nobody wants to die alone, right? I can't imagine dying alone."
• Paul Virzi [77:05]: "It's like, you don't want to be that guy staring there, knowing he's just going to pay his bill."

Reflections on Personal Growth and Change [65:00 - 80:00]

Joey and Paul reflect on their personal growth, discussing how life experiences and parenthood have shaped their perspectives. They talk about overcoming past mistakes, the importance of self-improvement, and the realization that true success comes from passion and dedication rather than external validation.

Notable Quotes:

• Joey Diaz [82:52]: "Your goal is to go out there and have a good time for yourself, for yourself."
• Paul Virzi [86:18]: "You lose everything, you gotta start from scratch."

Final Thoughts and Upcoming Shows [80:00 - End]

Towards the end of the episode, the hosts promote their upcoming shows, sharing details about tour dates and locations. They express their commitment to remaining authentic and focused on delivering quality performances, encouraging listeners to support live comedy that prioritizes genuine connection over digital presence.

Notable Quotes:

• Paul Virzi [85:05]: "Check out my new special, Two Reasonable Men. It's on my YouTube."
• Lee [106:19]: "I'm in New York through the week, so check my Instagram."

---

Conclusion

In this episode of The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament, Joey Diaz, Lee Syatt, and Paul Virzi engage in a candid and humorous exploration of their lives, careers, and personal growth. They offer insightful commentary on the evolving landscape of comedy, the impact of social media, and the importance of balancing personal life with professional aspirations. Through a blend of storytelling and reflective discussion, the hosts provide listeners with both laughter and meaningful takeaways on navigating the challenges of life and the pursuit of comedy.

Transcript

[Joey Diaz]

It's Tuesday, the 25th of February. It's almost over, cocksuckers. Anyway, we got the church, New Testament, we got a nice guest and it's Tuesday morning. Let's get this fucking party started. What's happened, you bad savages, you? I'm gonna talk to you guys about Onnit. Onnit is one of my all time favorite companies. We haven't spoken about them in a while. You know, I go on my little alpha brain cycles from time to time now they've improved Alpha brain. They got alpha brain, pow. Alpha brain everywhere. And it's tremendous. The new mood is still intact. I love everything from on it, you know, the kettlebells, the club bells, the whole thing. But I can only help you with supplements. Go on there. Start your year off on the right foot. It's the second quarter. Come on, let's do this right after the tax breaks. You're getting ready for the summer. You want to look good, you want to feel good. Everything's beautiful, right? Go to Honit.com right now, pressing code. Church, I'm going to get you started with 10% off and great service and a great quality project. Product. That's what I meant to say. Product. So go to honor.com right now. Press in church. Look at the supplements. There's list of them and they're all good. And tell them Uncle Joey sent your church. Get 10% off your first order. Now without further ado, let's get this motherfucker started.

[Paul Virzi]

Welcome back to church.

[Joey Diaz]

We're back, bitches. What's happening? We got my main man in the house tonight. Mr. Paul Vizzy. V I R Z I. I just can't say it because my fourth tooth.

[Lee]

What other words can you say?

[Joey Diaz]

We got our word. We got our main man. Lisa over here. He's sober today. No more.

[Lee]

I'm not. So I just took 150 million.

[Joey Diaz]

38 years old. I can't keep doing this. You nuts? We do this till we're dead. We do this till we're dead. Marines, dog.

[Lee]

Yeah, that's it. Marines don't take 400 milligrams. And an Oscar winners here.

[Joey Diaz]

No giving up before you become a seal. They give you like 1,000 milligrams cold.

[Lee]

And I've done that eight times and no water.

[Joey Diaz]

So knock it the fuck off. A thousand milligrams and no water. And you sit there.

[Lee]

First of all, no Navy SEAL has ever taken 1000mg.

[Joey Diaz]

They don't take it. Somebody gives it to you, you know What I'm saying, it's the fucking Navy.

[Paul Virzi]

What's the most you ever taken?

[Joey Diaz]

2,200.

[Paul Virzi]

What?

[Lee]

You took more than I took. 3,000 was the biggest for me, I think.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, about the same.

[Paul Virzi]

You go to hospital?

[Joey Diaz]

No, fuck the hospital. What's happened to you?

[Lee]

We send people to the hospital.

[Joey Diaz]

Swam in the Hudson.

[Paul Virzi]

What the.

[Joey Diaz]

I swam in the Hudson. What is an edible gonna do to me? If you swam in Queen Alley, what is an edible gonna do to you?

[Paul Virzi]

Your immune system, the.

[Joey Diaz]

Is wrong with people.

[Paul Virzi]

Oh, shit.

[Joey Diaz]

That's for, like, white kids from Iowa. I don't know what to do. My heart was beating. We're East Coasters here. What are you talking about?

[Paul Virzi]

No, I hate. Listen as much as I'm laughing, that would be me.

[Joey Diaz]

We're from the East Coast. Remember when your father used beat your mother and your heart would beat the same thing?

[Paul Virzi]

They got divorced before. They got divorced before he could beat her.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, but who cares? You ever hear, like, a neighbor beating up his wife? Your heart's beating, you're hiding under the bed. And when you're racist, you hearing. Are you that, man? Are you.

[Paul Virzi]

Oh, man, 2200. That would be up, man.

[Joey Diaz]

Huh?

[Paul Virzi]

Me and my buddies, one time, we were, like, in high school. And I'm not a big weed guy, because I get. I get, you know, that paranoid anxiety, you know? But I would. I was a drinker. You know, I would drink. We would go again. We did that 40. We're drinking 40s and all that, right? We would just call people over, give them five bucks and pay them a little. They would come out with the. Either the. The Old English. Oh, old English. Crazy Horse od. Crazy Horse. That. Right?

[Joey Diaz]

Those are your Negro days. So.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah. Yeah. So. No, no, we. My buddy had a Riviera.

[Joey Diaz]

That's when you were still black.

[Paul Virzi]

He was. Dude, he had a Riviera. We go down the FDR with Wu Tang pumping. Ser. Wu Tang's pumping. We're going down. We think we're cool skipping school to drink in Manhattan, do dumb shit. And we picked up a hitchhiker off the fdr, and he goes. He gave us weed. And like assholes, we went back to my buddy's house and we smoked it. Dude, I hit this weed. And I remember. I don't know how long the time was, because I was. It did something. It was laced. I'm staring at my buddy's kitchen floor and my. But I don't know if I stared at it for five minutes or five hours. I just was staring at it. And then I looked up at my friend and the pattern of the floor was on his face. Oh, yeah. Started shaking. And he's laying. I'm laying down on the couch. He's rubbing my back. I'm telling you. Telling me I'm gonna dive. Said, I'm gonna die. I have a heart attack. You know, the. I go, how long was I sitting there? It was. So after that experience, the weed, I don't with it, but it was stupid. Who smokes from a stranger? It was laced something.

[Lee]

I'm new to New York. That's the FDR is like a highway.

[Paul Virzi]

That's the. You would have loved.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. When a stranger gives you weed. That's my. It was.

[Paul Virzi]

It was a stranger hitchhiker. And we just smoked it. And it did something to me, man. It did something to me.

[Lee]

How did you pick up a hitchhiker on the fdr? It's like a highway.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah, he was just going like this. He was walking up and it was off the side. My buddy just. My buddy was. Come in, come in. He ran up, ran in the car real quick. Hey, can you take it? We took him.

[Lee]

Did you ever pick up a hitchhiker, Joey? Because you hitchhiked in Colorado.

[Joey Diaz]

But I never going to unless you're a hot chick. I ain't stopping. You know what I'm saying? Let's be honest. Are you going to stop for some guy looks like Grizzly Adams? No. It could be 100 degrees. You're like, fuck this, dude. There's a chick out there with a white dress and a thong on. You see how fucking. And she could have 20 zits on her face. You're still pulling over. You know what I'm saying? You're still pulling over. I gotta look.

[Paul Virzi]

I'd have to look.

[Joey Diaz]

And then, dawg, I had the weirdest experience in Idaho. Was it Idaho? No, no, no, the other one. Nebraska. I was coming back from Michigan and my fucking tire blows out. And I kept sitting on the side of the road and a chick pulls up and like a Toyota. Fucking smoking with a white dress on, fucking flip flops, dirty chick. And she's like, get in. I'll give you a ride to town. All right? And she's like, you should come over. Blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, oh, shit. At that time, oh, years earlier, HBO had a show called the Hitchhiker. And, you know, it would be a guy picking up a chick and they would fucking suck. And he'd drop her off in Jersey. So I'm young, I'm 20. No, I'm not fucking young. I'm 30 something. And she's telling me all this shit and I'm like, I'm getting pussy. And next thing you know, she goes, yeah, if you're hungry, we go back to the house, we'll eat, and then we have prayers at 6. I live in a.

[Paul Virzi]

Got what?

[Joey Diaz]

Prayers. I live in a. I live in a. Whatever. Like.

[Lee]

Like a commune.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, yeah, we say prayers. We're Catholic or Christian. I'm like, you could drop me off at the gas station. That was the end of that fantasy. It. I'm gonna go say prayers.

[Paul Virzi]

Pray to get laid.

[Joey Diaz]

I'll do anything. I'll work you to death. But I don't want to pray for you, know what I'm saying? In front of a bunch of other Christians. And because it's tight to focus when you want to somebody, you ain't praying. No, you're saying, God. How good is that?

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah, let's get back. Ah, it's good to see you.

[Joey Diaz]

Good to see you, brothers. You got a show this week at.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah, I got a bunch of shit coming up. Big tour coming up.

[Joey Diaz]

No, but you got Wednesday night.

[Paul Virzi]

Oh, Wednesday night I'm doing dojo.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, yeah, I'd love to do it, but they're gonna take this fucking ball out of my ear finally, so I don't know what's gonna happen. They're gonna give me stitches and shit. I'm gonna look like a Doberman with a bandage on, you know, you ever see when a shepherd gets his ears done, people take a little cone around your neck. Yeah, leave him at home. The poor guy don't even want to be out. The dog's like, jesus Christ. They took me out with this. Fucking Dobermans had that. Not German shepherds. When you fix their ears, when they.

[Paul Virzi]

Clip them, they clip the ears to make a pointy ear.

[Joey Diaz]

So I don't know what's gonna happen Wednesday. I don't know if they're gonna give me pills. I don't know if they're gonna put me out. I have no fucking idea.

[Paul Virzi]

Oh, shit.

[Joey Diaz]

They might just shoot me. He's an Indian guy, so I trust him. You know what I'm saying? Those Indians, they got a steady hand.

[Lee]

I love, like, when you say stuff like that, like we're supposed to know what it means. He's an Indian guy. Like, what does that mean?

[Joey Diaz]

I don't know. He's good. India only sends the best here. They don't send. They don't send our meek What? What's America? We'll take you. I'm blind. No.

[Paul Virzi]

You want an Indian doctor?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah.

[Paul Virzi]

You want Indians and Jews. Really? It's changed.

[Lee]

I was gonna say it's not Jews anymore, it's Indians.

[Joey Diaz]

No, but it's either.

[Paul Virzi]

Okay, it's either.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, it's like half down the middle.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Lee]

I had no idea.

[Paul Virzi]

Fuck.

[Lee]

They're taking it out. I didn't know they found what? Like, I didn't know there was anything in there.

[Joey Diaz]

They're gonna slice it and clean that out. I was supposed to go for a second opinion tomorrow, but every time I call, it's a 20 minute wait. They want to put me back into the rotation and call me in an hour. Go fuck yourself. They can call you when you're jerking off or you're taking a shit or you're walking in the house with groceries. All right, listen, I just got groceries. Call me later. I called you three hours ago.

[Paul Virzi]

What happened, though?

[Joey Diaz]

A yeast infection. And then I got rid of the yeast infection and something started hurting in there. I kept going to the doctor, there's something in there. I don't know. Put this cream on it. Just yank it the fuck out. Get the cocaine, shoot it in my.

[Paul Virzi]

Ear and get it out.

[Joey Diaz]

Get the fucking knife. Let's go. Why are we. This was going on since October with this fucking guy?

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah. I hate that. I go to the doctor. Get it done now. Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

What are we doing?

[Paul Virzi]

How long?

[Joey Diaz]

I got body work. I got shit to do. Jack, when you get old, shit happens. I gotta go get my teeth fixed. I gotta go fix my ear. I need glasses.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah. All the senses gotta be.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. I've been using a reading glass. I've had these. Reading glass from CVS's. These things are like. You can step on them, light them on fire. Everything else breaks.

[Lee]

Do you even, like, do the test with those glasses to see which one helps? I feel like you just go pick one and it might not even be the right one.

[Joey Diaz]

No, they have numbers on them, right? 2.75, 3.0.

[Paul Virzi]

Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

I think 3.0 is the highest. After that, they give you a dog and a stick. They give you a stick and a dog. Fuck.

[Lee]

I'm excited to get that fixed. It's been hurting you for a while.

[Joey Diaz]

What?

[Lee]

Your ear.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh. Some days I have a headache on this side and the ear banging on this side. And every morning I gotta open this up and let the fucking shit draw.

[Paul Virzi]

Oof. Is it hearing?

[Joey Diaz]

Fucked up dog. I hear what I want to hear. I got selective hearing yeah, yeah, yeah. Why don't you do a gig for 50 bucks? What?

[Paul Virzi]

My ear's up, my ears up. Get that number up. I hear you better.

[Joey Diaz]

I hear you better.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah. Oh, I know, man. I got. I got all kinds. I got back issues.

[Joey Diaz]

That's right.

[Paul Virzi]

Neck issues. I got herniated discs.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh.

[Paul Virzi]

You know, because I play like, I'm an. Though. Like, I'm in my 40s. I play basketball on Sunday, Monday nights. Take it seriously. No, but, you know, like, you act like it's gonna be recreational, and then next thing you know, I'm fucking. I'm like, dude, I'm close to a triple double. It's like. It's nuts. Close to a triple double. What am I, nuts? My wife goes. My wife said to me, she goes, if you get hurt, go home with one of your friends. You're not coming back here. If you tear something.

[Joey Diaz]

Just. See that Tom Segura tape. Oof.

[Paul Virzi]

That.

[Joey Diaz]

Did you see that?

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah, that was fun.

[Joey Diaz]

How come you're still playing basketball?

[Paul Virzi]

That was. Well, I wouldn't do that. You know, I was. I'm. I'm an. I'm athletic, I guess. But his looked like a. That was really. Yeah, dude, that was up.

[Joey Diaz]

Let me tell you something, man. And people. Once you're over, like, 35, it's a different game. Once you're over 40, it's a really different game. It is. Listen, I remember getting out of high school, and one Sunday out of high school, they said, come to where that football player was from. They had a flag football league. I played one game, I covered. I couldn't walk the next day. Flag football. I'm lifting weights, I'm fucking drinking, I'm snorting coke. I'm doing the best half of my life. And I go play flag football. I can't get out of bed on fucking Monday.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

I was 21. What the fuck?

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, it all changes it all. But once you get over 40, man, all that shit gets funny.

[Paul Virzi]

You say that because that's what they said. They said the most injuries. The most injuries for. For dudes over 40, that is basketball. They tear their knees. It's fucked up, man.

[Joey Diaz]

Jiu Jitsu basketball, dog. I do anything I can to lose weight. So in la, before the. During the pandemic. Yeah, I picked up bike riding and that was okay. I got the helmet.

[Lee]

I forgot about that.

[Paul Virzi]

Everybody who gets a bike, it goes into the garage after three times and collects dust. It's the fuck.

[Joey Diaz]

During the COVID Everybody was fucking John Clark Keeley. Everybody was riding their bike everywhere. I go out in the shop, right, I do this. Once the COVID ended everybody's bike. That's what. That's what happened to other people. The one that you buy. What's the bike you ride at home?

[Paul Virzi]

Oh, the peloton.

[Joey Diaz]

They sold 2 million of them during the pandemic. Now, like, nobody wants a peloton. Everybody's got them at a yard sale. Oh, yeah, go to a yard sale. Give me the small 20. Take it. Because it's just a coat hanger now.

[Lee]

It's like rent a center. They do it for like 20 bucks a month. They don't buy you camp. Like, they were like two grand. I remember those bikes.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah, they were expensive.

[Lee]

Fuck that.

[Joey Diaz]

And I remember I took a bike ride and I went and got my tooth done and fucking. She gave me Vicodin. And I got up that morning, my tooth was hurting. I can't see without my glasses. So all the pills were together. So I thought she gave me the amoxicillin and whatever antibiotic. I thought it was the amoxicillin. It was the Vikings. I pop one of those, I get on the bike like Johnny Bar. It's 8 in the morning. I'm out there. I'm talking. Not Magnolia. Was it Magnolia, the big street where the diner, where the restaurant was? That's Magnolia?

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

No, yeah. Where Marie T. Was.

[Lee]

Yeah, it was. It wasn't Magnolia, but Colfax.

[Joey Diaz]

Colfax, yeah. I'm on Colfax. I'm having a great time. I'm in the HOV lane. You know that little bike lane they got? I'm sticking to my P's and Q's. I wouldn't ride behind anybody because they're breathing and the shit's spitting and you're back there, you know, sucking Covid all his germs. So if there was somebody on a bike in front of me, I would cross the street and go opposite you, right? So I'm driving the fucking bike, and all of a sudden I'm starting to feel fucked up. I'm starting to sweat profusely. I'm fucking sweating up a storm. I've only been riding a bike for 15 fucking minutes. What's going on? I mean, it's coming out of me, you know? And all of a sudden I could see I'm not even riding the bike between the lines. I'm going outside the lines and shit. I'm not even in the line. And then I went to get on the sidewalk and I fell.

[Paul Virzi]

Oh.

[Joey Diaz]

And I'M like, that's no good. I'm taking this jet back to the house. And I went back to the house and I'm there ready to make the turn and I fucking fell.

[Lee]

Well, you got it back on the bike.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, I didn't fall the first time. I was just high. Oh, I thought, I'm not walking from Cold Water and Kofax back to my house.

[Lee]

Calling Uber. I thought you fucked first. You okay?

[Joey Diaz]

Fuck that. You ride that bike back. You know what I'm saying? Like a soldier.

[Paul Virzi]

You left with it. You gotta bring it back.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, you gotta bring it back. I fucking hit the thing, I'm ready to make a turn and right away I just fucking went down, dog. And some guy was looking at me and I'm shaking my head, he's shaking his head. I'm like, it's not good. Then I got the bike up again, I got on it again. Twenty feet later, I fall down again. I'm like, oh, oh. This time I landed on my chest. I thought the thing was broken at it. I went, that's what we do. And we're by ourselves.

[Paul Virzi]

Oh yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Like you don't need a camera for this. You know what I'm saying? This is for your entertainment purposes.

[Paul Virzi]

Oh, dude, I fell in Times Square.

[Lee]

Like a month ago.

[Joey Diaz]

You what?

[Lee]

I was running to a mic and I just. It had one of the like the crosswalks that had like a little island in the middle and I didn't see the curb and I just kicked it and in the middle I just went. I could for some reason. Time always. Did time slow down when you fell on the Always? Because I was fine. I could feel myself and I got my hands and like Taurus came over and saw if I was okay. Like I was embarrassing. Oh yeah.

[Paul Virzi]

Oh, when you fall right up. My brother, I guess he just was with some whore online that he get found online. Like, like a craigslist whore back in the day. Like, you know, back day you could just go to Craigslist. And like my brother was like a shy kid, but like if you wanted to get laid, you know, he would. So this is, this is back and this chick, this chick, I guess like he called me up, he goes, man, he goes, I cuz my brother's one of these. He passes out when he sees blood and he. So when he goes for a physical, he has to. He, no, he. They know. Like he, he lays back, he can't see needles in a movie. He goes out, put earphones on. Yeah, yeah. So he. So, so that's what I do.

[Joey Diaz]

I put the same thing.

[Paul Virzi]

No, he can't. He can't see.

[Joey Diaz]

So put on Santana.

[Paul Virzi]

He calls.

[Joey Diaz]

Look the other way.

[Paul Virzi]

He calls me up, he calls me up and he goes, yo, dude, he goes, I think I. I fucked this woman without a condom, man. And I don't. I don't know. I just met her, right? So I was selling at the time, I was selling phone, cable, Internet, door to door in Queens when I, when I dropped out of college. So I was. So I was knocking on people's doors in Queens at 6:00 at night, selling phone, cable, Internet. That was my job. And they gave us a hard hat for no reason. I had a hard hat. I had a fucking hard hat. You know what I would do with the hard hat? I go, yeah, you see those lines up there? We fucking. Meanwhile, we did fiber optics in there. But I was just talking shit, right? I had a clipboard and stuff so people would let me in. This is a true story. A Greek woman lets me in, right? And she had kids, but she was probably in her, like, mid-40s. And as I'm sitting there signing her up, I realized she's coming on to me. She's talking to me about a guy she's not with anymore. And she goes, I like younger guys. She goes, I was just at a nightclub with Greek. She's like, me and my girlfriend took home these 20 something year old Greek kids. I'm. I'm telling her, I'm Greek and sicilian and I'm 23 at the time. And she's into it. My brother's calling me, yo, I. Her without a con. I go, buddy, give me a second, give me a second. So he's going, paul, you gotta. And I said, christian, I keep. I can't talk right now. I can't talk right now. I gotta go. Next thing you know, he's on the train platform. As he's going down, somebody screamed, get him an ambulance.

[Joey Diaz]

He.

[Paul Virzi]

He came off the thing and was just so worked up about this woman that he just went down on the platform at the subway. But he said what Lee said is true. He said it was slow motion. But he said while he's going down, he hears, call an ambulance. They said, call an ambulance. While he was down. But. But in his mind he was like this. But he was freaked out about that, man. And he. He fell in.

[Lee]

I got where the trains were. Did he fall down the stairs?

[Paul Virzi]

No, no. You're like, you know, like in between the trains, right? He was on the platform. And he just was, like, really distraught over what happened. He went down. He went down? Yeah. But he heard somebody say, call an ambulance. But he was down when he. When he heard it.

[Lee]

Does he blame you for not being able to talk?

[Paul Virzi]

Everything worked out. Like he was. Everything worked out.

[Joey Diaz]

Hiv?

[Paul Virzi]

He's fine. No, he's fine.

[Joey Diaz]

He's got a little twitch. He.

[Paul Virzi]

That was the one time. It freaked him the fuck. It freaked them the fuck out.

[Joey Diaz]

That happened to me with a condom on.

[Paul Virzi]

What?

[Joey Diaz]

At the 1040 Club. I was 17, and these animals went over there, and I didn't have my own car, and I got stuck with them and they paid for me to go in the back. And I had a condom on, and she jumped on top of me and she was fucking, just grinding. And I'm like, this is disgusting. I could hear the condom going. And the mattress was fucked up. On the bed. It was one of those ping pang poo's, the beds that you open up and.

[Lee]

What's a ping pang poo?

[Joey Diaz]

That's what Cubans call them. It's one of those beds that you open up and you lay it down and you sleep.

[Lee]

Like a cot?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, like a cot. You sleep in your godmother's room.

[Paul Virzi]

Right.

[Joey Diaz]

This place was a 1040 club. It was a hookah place. And the city was $9.99 plus tax, 10.40. So fuck had, like, beds. But cubicle walls. Yeah, like little cubicle walls. You can hear everybody fucking. And she's on top of me and I'm like, oh, God, get off. I didn't know what to do. And finally she stops. She goes, for an extra $10, I'll let you eat my pussy. And I just threw her off. I'm like, you fucking billy goat. I'm not licking that greasy thing.

[Paul Virzi]

Remember those shitty futons with the wood? The woods that would break? Remember the futons?

[Joey Diaz]

I broke a couple of them.

[Paul Virzi]

You know what I mean? Right? The thin wood.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. The Japanese weigh 100 pounds. You're gonna put a Cuban on there that weighs 200? Ralphie May had a futon when he first moved to fucking rest his Sou Angeles. That motherfucker had a futon at Joy Medina's house. And I went over to see him, and he was laying down one day, and when I walked in, he goes, coco. And he got up and you're. Ta da, da da.

[Paul Virzi]

You know what a futon is, right? Yeah. Oh, dude, it was. Nothing was worse, though. Nothing's worse than when you were Gonna hook up. And the bed situation was shitty. Like a shitty mattress in the corner.

[Joey Diaz]

Who needed a bed?

[Paul Virzi]

No, fuck it.

[Joey Diaz]

When I was young, there was no bed in the corner.

[Lee]

There was no bed.

[Paul Virzi]

What do you mean, no bed?

[Joey Diaz]

No, you got up against the corner. Her neck is hu. You don't give a fuck, right? When you're in the heat of passion, she's like, ouch, ouch. You're trying to pull her hamstring, pull her leg back while you eat a pussy in the car. You were in the car. Remember that? Fucking in the car. How disgusting was that? And you had to push the seat up, and that was the work legs. Had a fucking stick out the window.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah, I had a Toyota chick.

[Joey Diaz]

I tried the 69. I almost died in the fucking car. In the back with a chick in Michigan. Dearborn, Michigan. He was a little Arab chicken.

[Lee]

You almost died?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. Cause I couldn't breathe. She dropped on me in the back seat. She just dropped that hip on papa. Huh?

[Lee]

She sat on your face?

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, fuck. Yeah. I had my nose in her asshole. I could smell falafels. Fucking. Fucking.

[Paul Virzi]

Oh, fuck.

[Joey Diaz]

1995, my first road get ever. I don't remember the year because how are you gonna forget somebody sitting on your face? Her legs gave out and she just dropped on my face. And I'm like, I sound like a kid with autism. I was about me. This is not good tonight. You know what I'm saying? We're gonna get canceled for this one. I don't give a fuck. I'm 62. I got nothing to lose. Take it all. I don't give a fuck. At this point, people are gonna try to say shit. Yeah, take it all. I don't give a fuck.

[Paul Virzi]

That shit's going away anyway. I think what just every.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, that was all a bullshit phase.

[Paul Virzi]

Yes.

[Joey Diaz]

For people who bought into that shit. There's some people who made it back, and there's some people, you know, who just didn't. They let it happen. Yeah, don't let it happen. Stick up for yourself.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Say, this is why I did it. If you don't, like, go fuck yourself. And, yeah, you're not gonna have a job. You're not gonna have a sponsor for a while. So you gotta start from scratch. And in six months, it's forgotten.

[Paul Virzi]

But you're. But you're right. If you're honest about it and you go, yeah, that's. That's the way. Like, it's funny too, because you're breaking balls with friends back in the day, it Was never malicious. It was never malicious. I never used a slang word against a group that was malicious against a group. It's just what you called your friends. You would joke with your friends, you talk shit with your friends. Then when you did it on a podcast or you did it on stage, these people were able to like, like go at you and you're going, I didn't fuck. You don't know me. You don't know the person.

[Joey Diaz]

They went after me for a podcast where I told the story about 1997. The podcast was done in 2009 and they came after me in 2020 and I refused. I was like, you bitches could suck my dick. All of this. In fact, I got, I put a story about going down on a one legged woman in Boulder. I delivered Chinese food to what ended up beating her ass and shit.

[Lee]

Yeah, but it was also your parole officer.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, she was my parole officer.

[Lee]

It wasn't just a woman.

[Joey Diaz]

No, she was originally my parole officer. Then I got off parole and things happened.

[Paul Virzi]

No. Can I ask a question though? Like when you say one leg, is it like half or like.

[Joey Diaz]

No, no. She had like a limp. So in my mind I always thought that this leg was off. She got shot in Vietnam. She was good looking. So when I went to take her pants off, I took the pants off the good leg. Cause I didn't want to know about the battle. They wanted to get in the way. You got a nut and all of a sudden she's gonna tell you she stepped on a grenade. I don't want to hear that. I'm ready to fucking eat some ass. All of a sudden I gotta hear a fucking Vietnam story. Whatever war she went, I don't know what happened to her. Very good looking, very good, tall. And I just put it up. I said, fuck it. If you like that story, wait till you listen to this one. Bam. Yeah, and then, and then it was your brother who called me and said, listen, they wanna, they wanna fucking wave a white flag. They don't want to do this no more. Because my people from the podcast were not those bitches.

[Paul Virzi]

Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, it was classic.

[Lee]

Well, it's weird because like, I think the real one of the reasons podcasts are so big is because people feel like they connect with the host.

[Paul Virzi]

And it's honest because we're talking the way we normally talk. They're not seeing us on stage, doing a bit, telling a story. They're seeing us shooting the here, having fun. And it brings them into our personal world is what it is.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, when I do a podcast. I don't want to feel censored.

[Paul Virzi]

Right.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't want people to say this because. Don't. This is what people do, and this is how we speak. If this is not what you want to do, yeah. Go watch fucking A clean podcast.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Go do whatever suits you. That's. That's the right we have as Americans.

[Paul Virzi]

Yep.

[Joey Diaz]

But the right that we don't have as Americans is me going, I don't like what Paul Versey said.

[Paul Virzi]

Right.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm gonna fucking show the video and cancel him. That's not a right. There's two people could do that. A man by the name of God and a judge. A good fucking judge in New York City.

[Paul Virzi]

That's right.

[Joey Diaz]

Like an old Jew judge that looks at you and sentences you and you take it like a man. That's who could judge me.

[Paul Virzi]

How specific that got as that was.

[Joey Diaz]

Going by a nice old Jew. That don't take a while.

[Paul Virzi]

And he stares you down for a second.

[Joey Diaz]

He's got, like, fucking. A bad foot or something hurting. He's in a bad mood. Amazon stock went down, you know.

[Lee]

Oh, that's a rough day, you know?

[Joey Diaz]

And that's who could judge me. That's who could sentence me. But three white chicks, four white dudes. Cause it's always a dude, too. When it comes to sex, it's two chicks and a dude. I like to grab that dude by the neck and go, come here. Yeah, you mean to tell me you wouldn't get your dick sucked in the bathroom at a restaurant? Whoa. Yeah, you die for that, you lying sack of. And you want to know something, you lying sack of.

[Paul Virzi]

No, he's right. And a lot of times, these people that call out people for saying things, when you go to their past, it's worse. It's almost like a covenant. Everybody's got their.

[Joey Diaz]

Nobody's got the right.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

To go into your past.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

If you want to go into my Twitter from 2016, go ahead. You're not gonna like what you see. You're not gonna like what you see, but I don't give a fuck. I could have gone back then, erased it all. I don't care.

[Paul Virzi]

Right.

[Joey Diaz]

What's done is done. You cannot judge. The one that destroyed me was when they went after the fucking white dude, the judge, because he grabbed the girl's mouth during a fucking sorority party. 20 years old. The Supreme Court guy. Yeah, the Supreme Court guy. Remember all? He covered a girl's mouth in a party. What would you rather do? Cover the mouth or Put a dick in there. Let's get that off the bat. If he covered her mouth, that's one thing. Could you imagine him spitting that dick in there? Then? That's another. But you're gonna try to cancel about something he did, Dawg, I saw a thing. They were trying to cancel Sinatra, Dean Martin and the Rat Pack. People went after Vegas, dog. It was. It was insane.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah, they went.

[Joey Diaz]

They were trying to go after Sinatra for being a fucking. A womanizer that they would try, dog. They went at Vegas and said, we want to take Sinatra. Get the fuck out of here. He died. Whatever. He wasn't even fucking no more. He had a wig. He was forgetting his lyrics and shit. The fuck is wrong with people?

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah, it's. It's because they just went on their run. They went on there, they went on there. They went down a list.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. And they go and look at something you did.

[Paul Virzi]

Evil man.

[Joey Diaz]

They go, look at something you did in 1995. Listen, man, I can't judge over 1995, right? How old were you in 1995?

[Paul Virzi]

14.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, you did creepy things. You jerked off in places you shouldn't have. Yeah. You came on things you shouldn't have, right? Yeah, there was a camera. We all would have been in jail.

[Paul Virzi]

He's nailing it right now. I'm like, yo, you know something?

[Joey Diaz]

But yeah, you're 12 and 13. Can you do the creepiest.

[Paul Virzi]

I did some shit that I'm not proud of.

[Joey Diaz]

No. I had an aunt that had big tits. I would sniff a bra. I would go to a house just to sit in the bathroom and sniff a fucking bra. And I'd get all dizzy and shit. But that's what a 12 year old does. 11 year old. Then when I was 13, I graduated to the douchebag stick.

[Lee]

What?

[Joey Diaz]

The hot water bag with the string. You go to your mother's house.

[Paul Virzi]

Oh, geez.

[Joey Diaz]

They had the red bag with a little thing. That's a douche bag. They don't know what that is. You take that, sniff that motherfucker. You pump out a little Maluki in the bathroom. You come out, your cheeks are red, you're hungry, your mom's like, look at him.

[Paul Virzi]

He hasn't eaten like this in a while.

[Joey Diaz]

He hasn't eaten like this in a while. He's walking with a limp, you know?

[Paul Virzi]

No, if people. If people. That's actually a really good point though, Joe. It's like if people would have saw some of the shit that you did as a 14, 15 year old kid and then judge you today. It's kind of crazy if you think about it.

[Joey Diaz]

When you're 40 and you were 25 and you did something.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You're a complete different fucking person. Yeah, I'm 62 and I look at the years now and I go, wow, I was a complete. There was a time I didn't rob anything, but I could steal. But I always stole lighters. I love going to 7 11, talking to the Indian and then taking a lighter, put in my jacket. No, I would steal right in front of him. Yeah, that's my gift. You don't steal in the back.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You steal right in front of them. Yeah. You talk to them. What do you like the jack. Oh, 50 pipe, you know, I don't know what the fuck you're saying.

[Paul Virzi]

It took me to my whole family. Everybody was worried about me because I always get arrested. I would steal, you know, always drinking, getting up, steal. And my mother said from like 22 on, I'm just a completely different. You know what I used to steal? I used to steal hunks of provolone cheese and gummy bears. I used to get up and I would go in and I would go to the sharp provolone cheese. 18 hunk down my pants and gummy bears.

[Joey Diaz]

I think you're robbing a safe food.

[Paul Virzi]

I would. Fuck it. Yeah.

[Lee]

Is that what you got caught for?

[Paul Virzi]

I was. No, no, that one. I got caught for cigarettes and dumb like that. But when I was. When I was a kid, I would steal. I would steal provolone cheese, gummy bears. Yeah, dumb like, not. Not like, you know, and then. Or like when I. We almost got arrested. Big trouble. We almost got into big trouble. They wanted to make examples of us, but we. That. We got rid of the stuff. We tried to rob an outdoor bar. An outdoor bar by a pool. We tried to open up the bottom and steal bottles. And all of a sudden all these alarms went off. And we're running. I took off. I didn't know where. My friend, when I'm running down the highway slow.

[Joey Diaz]

When you were running.

[Paul Virzi]

What's that?

[Joey Diaz]

Because when you're running, time moves slow, too. It was siren.

[Paul Virzi]

And I was panicked because all sorts of alarms went off and I'm running down the street. I don't know what happened to my buddy. And there were rumors going, when they find the kids that did this, they're going to make an example and put them away for a little bit. So. And I freaked out. But I got lucky. I got blessed, man. You know, a lot of stupid things Dodged a lot of bullets as a. As a. As a young man. But comedy and, you know, sales, knocking doors and comedy made me change me. But like you said, From 22 on, I changed it. And once I grew up, you know, but I did dumb shit from, like, 16 to 25.

[Joey Diaz]

And there's the thing. We all do dumb shit, right? And even when you're a grown man, you start doing dumb shit. Whether it's going to a strip club, you just do these creepy things. We all done it, you know? And at the end, you gotta ask yourself. Cause this is when I really changed. Yeah, I changed in 2000, like, six, after the longest Shot, I went through hell and I made a decision. I go, you know what? Somebody said this to me one day, and they said, don't let your character ruin your destiny. And that fucking hit home with me. Like, I was like, what this motherfucker just say? And I stopped stealing lighters. I stopped thinking like that because I knew if I put my effort into stand up instead of fucking around. And then once I stopped doing blow, then the sky was the world. Because something else is detracting your energy. Yeah, it's like when you got a bad piece of pussy. Ever dated a bad piece of pussy for a year? And then you guys break up and you're like, dog, I'm a different guy. You know why? Because I was spending my time thinking about her.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You ever have a girlfriend that drinks or her uncle's gonna die, and then every day they bring it on you, and you're like, I'm trying to get my dicks out, but all of a sudden it makes you, oh, well, her uncle. But it takes your energy.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

It really does.

[Paul Virzi]

Take your mentally ill girl. That's beautiful. Beautiful. But she's mentally ill. And it puts it on you and you're fucked.

[Joey Diaz]

And you're fucked.

[Paul Virzi]

You're fucked.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, it's just. And I'm not even talking about a girl. It could be anything. Somebody once said to me, if you took all the energy you had into stealing and doing all that shit, could you imagine if you did something good with it? And I'm like, jesus Christ. I never looked at it that way. I was too late. I was in prison. The guy told me, in prison, if you take.

[Paul Virzi]

Too late, dude, I can't wait for Joey to talk to his grandkids and just be like, you ever get a bad piece of pussy, grandkid?

[Joey Diaz]

I'll be 78 by the time I have a grandkid.

[Paul Virzi]

You look great.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. Keep saying that to you. People always say you look like 50, really good. What does 60 look like? I'm 60. I'll let you smell my nuts. It's like looking at the inside of a tree. You ever cut a tree? Let's see how old it is. And you have to count the circles. It looks like your mattress. And you were a kid from all the pee on the bed. Remember you had like this circle. It just, it just kept getting bigger. You take your sheet off. Oh, that was when I was 14. That's when I was 8. Look it, there's a little puke in there. There's a shit stain.

[Lee]

And that's what your balls look like.

[Joey Diaz]

What?

[Lee]

That's what your balls look like now.

[Joey Diaz]

No, no, but I'm saying, you know, people always say you look younger. Really? Sniff my nuts and see if they take a 23 year old, take fucking Nicky, wash his nuts. Then take my nuts and fumigate and put a fucking. A thing on your eye like fucking, you know, like a fag on Tuesday night. They put those blinders on.

[Lee]

Why is this your reaction to a compliment? People telling you you look nice and you like, smell my nuts?

[Joey Diaz]

Because I'm. I don't look nice. Why are you lying to me? I'm an old man. I got a chicken thing hanging. Where am I going?

[Paul Virzi]

I've seen guys your age look a lot fucking worse.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh yeah, I see them do. Because they drink every day. Yeah, they ate bad pussy, you know, somewhere they ate a bad. But you get a batch of bad pussy, that'll change it for two years.

[Paul Virzi]

Those guys that drink and smoke cigarettes every day though, they're fucked it women.

[Joey Diaz]

It doesn't affect us. Yeah, as bad as fucking women. Like when they keep drinking from 35 on. You take the drinking, the smoking and sperm and put those things together, that's a, that's a Yakasaki bomb there.

[Paul Virzi]

Irish women. Irish women go to hell quick. If it's, if it's, if it's booze and cigarettes and they're beautiful and they could be beautiful and then they hit an age. But smoking and, and drinking all the time, they get. I'm. We're lucky. You're. You're a Mediterranean. I'm Sicilian, Greek. It kind of, you know, you got the Mediterranean skin, but when it. The fair white skin when they smoke all the time.

[Lee]

I'm Drew. I have terrible skin. But what about. Dude, what about like going. I've been featuring on the road a little bit this year and then I go to like Iowa or Kansas City. There's some like, I've spent all my life on the coast, and people generally try a little bit. There's a lot of people I've met who I'm like, I'm surprised they left the house. It's pretty. That's a pretty. It's pretty. When they come.

[Joey Diaz]

You go to central Jersey, you ask yourself that question every day.

[Paul Virzi]

Really?

[Joey Diaz]

Why'd this person leave the house? Why would you leave the house?

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

It just takes a little bit to look decent, right?

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Comb your hair, put some Visine, sprinkle. Some people, Listerine. You don't like brushing your teeth, Listerine your teeth. I don't give a fuck what you do. But it takes some people you see, and you're like, it's not gonna come back. It's. This is. This is not good.

[Paul Virzi]

It's over.

[Joey Diaz]

And you try. You drink water, you know, I try to drink as much water as I can. That, you know, you take your vitamins, you. They got me on everything now. Ever since I got out of the hospital. They got me on everything. Every amino acid.

[Paul Virzi]

Oh, you're on all the.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. I'm even taking Mullen Oil. Yeah, Mullen Oil is good for you. It's what the Indians use.

[Paul Virzi]

You take fish oil. You do fish oil pills.

[Joey Diaz]

I used to, but the episode smells terrible.

[Paul Virzi]

Really? I never took it.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. Your helmet smells fishy. You know what I'm saying? You don't need that.

[Paul Virzi]

No, I don't need that. No.

[Joey Diaz]

But it's good for you.

[Paul Virzi]

I'm married. I'm having a hard time getting a blowjob as it is.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah.

[Paul Virzi]

Now all of a sudden, I'm gonna have an issue smelling. Fuck that.

[Joey Diaz]

They forget, when you get married, then you have, like. You have the Christmas blowjob, the birthday blowjob, and the Halloween blowjob. Halloween, yeah. You gotta look for it. What's going on? November 8th, you're running late here. It's like the T Mobile bill, you know what I'm saying?

[Paul Virzi]

The Halloween blowjob. She's doing it for the year.

[Joey Diaz]

You got, like, three blowjobs a year. When you get married. Married after, like, three years, you're like, all right. They're like, thank God I'm married. No, it said through sickness or in health. And dick suckings are an option.

[Paul Virzi]

They don't. But I gotta be honest with you, though, a dick. Yep. Like, a dick is an ugly.

[Joey Diaz]

The ugly thing in the world.

[Paul Virzi]

It's like a deformity hanging off. Like to ask her to do that and be into it. I kind of get that she doesn't want to, but they with you when they first got with them. That's the problem.

[Joey Diaz]

Let me explain one thing to you. There's pretty pussies and there's ugly pussies and there's pussies that look like Gaza. They look like fucking. I saw a pussy today on the Internet. This chick has fucked a thousand guys. I'm not even gonna say her name. She shows a pussy on Twitter, and today she put one out, fresh out of the shower. And she showed a camera shot from her pussy. Oh, my God. Look like Medusa. They had like, a bunch of fucking, you know? And then you got the chubby chicks that had the kid. And the pussy goes in that anything. And you look at her, you're like, nah, God damn it. She's got it. Because you try to guess. Like, when you start connecting with her, you start looking at the monkey going, what do we have down there? Is it a.

[Lee]

Were you good at it? Did you have, like, a Pretty good.

[Joey Diaz]

I was always pretty good.

[Paul Virzi]

You had a good range. Like, you can look at the face.

[Joey Diaz]

And have I only got, like, two or three ugly monkeys, the ones that look like that, built from the inside, and the tucky is all the way in. And you're like, come on, man. I gotta get chopped chopsticks.

[Paul Virzi]

But I think all dicks. But I think all dicks are ugly.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, yeah. Dicks are disgusting.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And they smell weird. The balls.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah. I mean, it's really unbelievable. Like, you know what I mean?

[Joey Diaz]

Like, I sleep on my left side.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And for some reason, that's what. The only nut sweat I get is on the left side of the nut. And it's not like water. It's like, you go like that and you're like, jesus Christ. You gotta go in and put soap on it and fucking wash it off. I give it to the cat to smell for a minute.

[Lee]

No, you don't.

[Joey Diaz]

Yes, I do. No. If I scratch my ass, I give her a little bit.

[Lee]

What does Grey think of your ball? Sweat.

[Joey Diaz]

Huh?

[Lee]

Does Gray like it?

[Joey Diaz]

No. I mean, she never said. Mmm, yum, yum. You know what I'm saying? It's not like she talks, but you always got to give an animal a whiff. Just something they don't know what that is. I also have a toe. One toe. All my toes are fucking clean.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

I got one toe that's got, like, blisters in it, and I pop it. I just had to put stuff on it the last week, every night I go, what the is wrong with my toe? And I pop it, and it'd be like a paste, like a fungi paste.

[Paul Virzi]

Oh, God.

[Joey Diaz]

One night I put it by my wife. She's like, jesus Christ. Oh, what's that smell? Oh, I gotta put some stuff on my feet because I had to get that. Lulu Min. What's that that you put all over your body? That shit's good. What's that to have that. The cute doctor invented it. Have you ever seen that? You don't sweat nowhere, dog. I put it on my feet.

[Paul Virzi]

You don't sweat.

[Joey Diaz]

No, you put on your feet. Put it on, like, deodorant nuts. Ash just says in the commercial, put it everywhere.

[Paul Virzi]

Oh, wait, Mando. Is it Mando?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, yeah, one of them does. That shit works.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah, that's good.

[Joey Diaz]

I put it in my asshole because after I shower. You ever. You take the best shower in the world. I got a loofah, and I got a little asshole loofah, Right?

[Lee]

You have one just for the asshole.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. I told you this years ago. I cut the new loofah.

[Lee]

I forgot about that.

[Paul Virzi]

You got a separate loofah for your ass?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. Who wants.

[Paul Virzi]

That's incredible.

[Joey Diaz]

But why would you want to use the loofah on your face, on your ass, and then scrub your asshole with it?

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

That's disgusting. And you can't use a washcloth because then you always got that little piece of brown or blood.

[Paul Virzi]

Well, I was hungry. I was hungry.

[Joey Diaz]

So the loofah really scrubs around the muffler?

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You ever seen a chick's asshole and it's kind of brown? It looks like gunpowder residual on the edge. I don't want gun rod up here. Not that anybody's gonna lick my ass or look at my ass, but just in case I die, they're gonna go, that's Joey Peters. Take a look at his asshole. They're gonna go, that motherfucker had a residue from gunshot wounds, so I never wanted that. So I take the loofah and scrub it in that muffler.

[Lee]

Do you ever check to see if it doesn't have the residue?

[Joey Diaz]

But here's the problem. When I come out of the shower, even after I loofah my asshole, if I take the towel and wipe my ass and I smell the towel, it still smells like gas. So I said, fuck this shit. I'm gonna start using Lulumin, whatever the fuck that is.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah, Yeah. I think it's Mando. And they have body wipes, too. It's good shit.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, it's good shit.

[Paul Virzi]

It's really good.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah.

[Paul Virzi]

It was a woman that. She probably was with so many dirt.

[Joey Diaz]

That's what she said. She goes, I sucked 18 dicks and all of. I was one for 17. The ball between. Think about it. A woman has to go between your legs. That means she gets the asshole. She gets your feet on the right. Whatever note, whatever side she's sucking on the left or right. That outside nostrils gets foot, nut and ass coming at you. Come on.

[Paul Virzi]

She said that she goes this down. There's a part of a crevice that you can't get.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah.

[Paul Virzi]

So she's like. She made this.

[Joey Diaz]

Put it in there. Yeah, I did. I sit on that thing, the mando, that little tub. It's like one of these. It's like one of these nicotine. It's that big. I just sit on it for a minute. My hemorrhoids, gone. Everything. We're good. Let's take a break. I want to talk to you guys about. Nick's the best. We'll be right back. Oh, shit. It's Nick. Nicotine pouches. If you're looking to ditch smoke and tobacco but still want that nicotine fix, you gotta check out Nick. Nick comes in 10 all natural flavors. So even if you're a picky dude like me, they'll have something you like. Each pouch lasts two hours. Two hours. So I'll get you through the morning commute, no problem. Let me tell you something. You put one of these threes in your mouth. My favorite is the berry lemonade. And here you got the strawberry watermelon. If you're from the islands, you know what I'm saying? Your Uncle Joey made the switch to nicotine pouches. So what the hell are you waiting for, huh? Right now, church listeners get 35% off when you order Nico through our exclusive link nykdpouches.com church c h u R C H. This special offer isn't just for your first purchase. You could use this up to three times. Who's better than you? Nobody. Don't wait. Get 35% off [e-mail] Church C H U R C H. That's Nykdpouches Church NYKD products or Nick products are only for adults of a legal age. All right? Every order is age verified. So don't even think about it, you little bastards. Warning. This product contains nicotine, and nicotine is an addictive chemical. Let's get the party started. You know what? I'm saying, we're back, bitches. Anyway, what else is going on, Paul? You going on tour in March?

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah, man. Going on tour. I've been home. Like, I've been waiting, you know? Cause it's like the year started out. I'm just fucking home. I got. You know, I got two kids. My son's a basketball animal. My daughter's good in sports. And then. But I want now march, starting March, I'm going hard. I'm going everywhere, you know?

[Joey Diaz]

You know, I fell in love with you when I saw you doing a podcast, yelling about comics that call you up to go to the park for the day.

[Paul Virzi]

Oh. I mean.

[Joey Diaz]

And throw a Frisbee around.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah. You want to do the.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah.

[Paul Virzi]

You want to do the comedy poker game? Yeah, that's what I want to do. I don't like you when we're at the fucking club. I'm going to sit down. Yeah, we're going to. Yeah. A couple combo. We're going to go down to Washington Square Park. I throw Frisbee around. Yeah, that's what I'm gonna. You know what, honey? Tell the kids I'm not gonna be home tonight or today, because I'm going. Yeah, like that. That's. I'm not one of those guys. And listen, sometimes it hurts me. I'll be honest with you.

[Joey Diaz]

No, it does hurt you.

[Paul Virzi]

It hurts me. It hurts me because I'm not a. I'm not one of these, hey, you want to come to Naked Roast Battle? No, I don't. You know, I want to go on stage. I want to get back. That's the one thing. It's like, before Pandemic, I should have went harder with the social media for numbers, but I just was getting better. I just wanted to get better at this.

[Joey Diaz]

That's all. That's the most important thing. Yeah, that's way better than social media.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Think of guys that got beautiful social media, and they suck on stage.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And so if you don't have this to promote.

[Paul Virzi]

Right.

[Joey Diaz]

You got nothing.

[Paul Virzi]

No. And, like. And I don't mean nothing against it, like, either, too. Like, people. Oh, Paul, you got to go on. You got to go on Kill Tony and stuff like that. But I did one time, I judged a Roast Battle, and I fucking felt bet. You know what I mean?

[Joey Diaz]

See, I can't do that either.

[Paul Virzi]

So somebody goes, paul, they told me to come to New York Comedy Club, and they go, just. Just judge a Roast Battle. These fucking guys are going. And this guy. I'm, like, making fun of this guy. Sneakers. I'm, you know, I just. A couple things. And all of a sudden, after it's over, he comes up, he goes, hey, Paul. Hey, man. Big fan. So nice to meet you. And I'm like, I can't do this. I can't judge a parapolytic. I don't want to judge one minute.

[Joey Diaz]

I can't do it. It's like when people say.

[Paul Virzi]

And it's not against. It's nothing against Tony. It's not. But I can't do. I can't watch somebody come out and do something that I know is so hard. And me kind of on it. And I'm Sicilian, dude. If you say something personal to me, I'll. I can't.

[Joey Diaz]

I can't.

[Paul Virzi]

I'll go, you know, why do you.

[Joey Diaz]

Think I don't do that? You know, I don't want to be on your stupid roast. I don't want to be enough. I don't want to be a judge. Yeah. That's the hardest thing in the world. It's telling somebody they suck.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Who the are you to tell somebody with a dream that you suck? That kid might take it the wrong way. And you know what might be everything in his life. He goes home at night and cries himself to bed.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And you're gonna tell him that the joke was not well written. Who the fuck are you? None of us are fucking. None of us are fucking, you know.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Lighting the world on fire when I'm in there. Everybody's saying the same shit anyway.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Everybody's talking the same shit anyway.

[Paul Virzi]

It's. Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, so what's the difference? So for me, roasts.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Like, you go up there and then somebody roasts you. I don't want to do that because I'm punching the mouth. You know what I'm saying? Because I stop what I'm doing and punch in the fuck.

[Paul Virzi]

If you talk about.

[Joey Diaz]

Because white people get cute. It's not the coloreds or the Mexicans. White people get cute. And they say. And yeah, it's a roast, but I'll fucking kick you in the stomach after the fucking roast. Yeah.

[Paul Virzi]

You talk about my kids. I'm gonna fucking bomb. I'm bomb your fucking cards. And I'll show up to your house and, like, I don't want to. I don't need that. I don't want that. That's why I was, you know, before we met. I don't know if I told you this, but before we met, you know, Tom Lombardozzi says you and Joey Gotta connect. Brett Ernst, you and Joey gotta connect. Bill Burr, you and Joey gotta connect. And I remember I reached out to you one time, but you still in la. I didn't hear back from you. And then. And then all of a sudden, when you came here, when you came back home, we reached out, but there's like a. I'm. I kind of like the stay to yourself, stay to your family, do your thing. And all you could do is be real and do that stuff. But, yeah, listen, I'd rather it be this way than me being every fucking doing everything, judging everything doing. I just don't, you know, that's just not who I am.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, did you start comedy when you didn't have a family?

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You had a wife at the time? Yes. Okay. You had a wife. That's even different.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Just, I started comedy when there was nobody around.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And that is poetic justice.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You don't have to be home.

[Paul Virzi]

No.

[Joey Diaz]

You go out seven nights a week and do comedy, which is what you really love. At the end of the day, it's what you really love. I had a girl I dated for four years, and I spoke to her. You know, we always talk now, but when we broke up, it took a couple years for us to be friendly. And I asked her, I go, why did we break up? And she goes, I would go back with you in a heartbeat, but I'm not competing with comedy.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

She goes, it took me three years to realize, you know, her parents would come to town, like, they want to take you out to dinner. This is la.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm not in LA to go out to dinner. You know what I'm saying? Like, that's your mindset.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You're not in New York to go to dinners or to fucking play the guitar or to go see somebody perform. You're in New York to do comedy, to get up seven nights a fucking week.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

That's why we're here. I was in la. I know those people. Tonight I'm gonna go do this. My girlfriend. Okay. In a year, they'll call you, man. I don't know what's going on, my colleague. Well, you wanted to go to a concert with your girlfriend. You want to go to concerts with your girlfriend? Yeah, It's a girlfriend, it's not a wife. You could tell them to shut the fuck up, that you're going out and they're not coming because they're a pain in the ass when you do comedy. I love my wife. You don't see that in no comedy shows. Do you? No. I love her because I know the situation. It's too cold in here. It's too hot in here.

[Paul Virzi]

How long you gonna stay? I want to get home.

[Joey Diaz]

How long are you gonna stay? I'm tired. The food was cold. Listen, I don't give a fuck if they give you poison.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm here to make these people fucking laugh.

[Paul Virzi]

Well, my wife said to me, she goes, is this gonna be one of those things where you're gonna be out till one? Yup.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah, that's it. Okay. I'm not gonna.

[Joey Diaz]

In fact, two for saying something. I was two for saying something.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm not out there cheating. I'm not out there eating strange ass.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm out there fucking doing comedy. Yeah, I'm out there doing comedy. And then you get a girlfriend like I did, and she worked at the Comedy Store, so it was easy. We drove home together at night.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

She got off at 2 and I went home at 2. And it was easier and she understood it more. But something happened. I had the kid. I'm like, what am I doing hanging out with these jerk offs?

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

It got to that point, even at the Comedy Store, and it's, hey, dad, go down and go, I'd much rather be watching Coco with my daughter. Some fucking guy playing skeleton. Playing the guitar. And that's what happens. And then you. You know how many people we know? I'll tell you what my wife told me once. We grew up around Rain Pryor, used to come to the store. She's a fucking sweetheart. Rain Pryor is a sweetheart. His wife's a sweetheart. But my wife said something to me once. She goes, let me ask you something. If Rain could have her father over the millions he left her, what would she pick?

[Paul Virzi]

Her father.

[Joey Diaz]

Her father was never home.

[Paul Virzi]

Of course.

[Joey Diaz]

He was lighting himself on fire.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

He was snorting cold with this one and that one. Kids remember that shit.

[Paul Virzi]

That's true.

[Joey Diaz]

Kids remember that. I only got one go at this. Yeah, I got one go at this. I don't have time to go to the Comedy Plaza on Tuesday night to sit there and go up at midnight. I don't. I'd rather not.

[Paul Virzi]

No.

[Joey Diaz]

I could write material which is even better.

[Paul Virzi]

And you know, dude, you're bringing me back to these stories where, like, I would. I was young and I would make mistakes because I didn't realize. And I'll never forget. I'll tell you a story. I was actually at a bar, and I'm drinking and I'm at a bar. With Bill Burr. And he's looking at me. And Bill was always, you know, Bill treated me a way where he was like, man, you're gonna do this and that. I see it, like, he would say these things, which would really. But I didn't see it yet because I'm just this young asshole. And he would. And he goes, what are you doing? And like, I had to drive home and I'm on like three drinks and I'm like one of those. Like, I think I could when I was younger. I thought I could beat it, outsmart it. I'll drink, then I'll go get a fucking. Some street meat from one of the fucking Arab dudes. Yeah. Then I'll go get an egg sandwich or water and I'll drive home. And I was. And he. And I remember I had a little boy at home. And it pisses me off to even think about now, but I remember being like, like buzzed on the ride home. And like, not to the point where I would, you know, but like, I shouldn't be driving the car. And I remember. And he's. What he said to me, he goes, you know, I know you know what you have. You know, you may think you know what you have at home. He goes, but you don't know what you have at home. And I remember thinking about that. I'm like, yeah, like, I felt like an asshole because I was doing these things that could have really fucking detriment to my. My, myself to somebody else, my career. And I was like. And then like, you. I don't want to mention names of the club, but there's a couple comedy clubs that people, you see these guys at 3:00 in the morning just staring at a glass of wine, not going home to anything. I'm like, I don't want to be that guy. I don't want to be that guy staring there, knowing he's just going to pay his bill for his, you know, one bedroom or studio apartment to do spots his whole life on a hamster wheel and have nothing to come home to, man. I was like, that's not for me. No. And I didn't want that.

[Joey Diaz]

No. I mean, listen, nobody wants to die alone, right? I can't imagine dying alone. No hospital, with nobody. Maybe you met some lady at the 55 and over place, you know. Yeah. On the way out. Whatever.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, but whatever. The, like, it tightened me more like it having my daughter made me realize my time, how much time I was wasting.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

With people wasting. Whether it was on the phone, like Once I moved here, I stopped all that shit. I'm like, these videos of me smoking dope, they went out the window. Just videos and whatever. I looked at my Instagram and I'm like, there was a point when I remember getting up in the morning and it felt like I had to tell people something. So I would go outside, ask Lee. 6:30 in the morning, I'd be in my yard smoking dope, telling people to get up. Fucking nobody owes you dick. Your mother blew somebody.

[Paul Virzi]

Wait, what do you mean? You have to tell somebody something?

[Joey Diaz]

Like, like I feel in your heart.

[Paul Virzi]

You want.

[Joey Diaz]

There's 10 comics now. I look at Instagram, yeah. And it's three fucking four times a day. There's a guy who does wardrobe changes, a comic who does wardrobe changes, does videos with nothing, then videos with glasses, then videos with a Laker hat. And you're like, you know, after a while, how many videos do you put up? How lonely do you feel? So when I got here and I looked at my. Wasn't my Instagram as much of my Twitter and my Facebook, and I go, that shit is coming to an end. You feel like everything has to be put on tape. You still got people like that comedy. You can't be around in two minutes. Let's take a picture. Get that fucking camera out of here. I just got here. Yeah, save it for later. In fact, don't.

[Lee]

Yeah, well, here's. Here's the hard part, though, because it feels like, at least from like a young comic, it feels like the only way to get to a point where I could maybe take the next step is to have social media take.

[Joey Diaz]

No, no, I'm not. You do, but you're also working on comedy and your social media, and it's 80% comedy, right? And 20 social media.

[Paul Virzi]

Right.

[Lee]

You know, so it's for people doing.

[Paul Virzi]

Just all social media, talking about people that just. They need so much attention that they'll do anything. Look, I'm making eggs on fuck. You know, and every week, yeah, them.

[Joey Diaz]

In a stadium with the picture. You know, every week, you know, every other day you stand up. Listen, we know you're a stand up.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, that's what made me, like.

[Paul Virzi]

We know the worst is when somebody famous dies. Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Stop putting the videos of you smoking pot. They know. Yeah, it's over. Knock it off.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You putting up a set every day of you with a ukulele, you with a guitar, you knock it off. Put one up. A quarter, that's 15 minutes. That destroys.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

At the end of the year. That's 60 minutes. That's a special.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You didn't save no money. You didn't. You just go to your local comedy club and take fucking 15 when you're ready. Yeah, all of them got cameras now. You need eight cameras in there. And, you know. And this is all of them now. It's a dependency. It becomes like.

[Paul Virzi]

It's like a mentor. There's also mentally ill fucking people that. That are really fucking like you. The worst is when somebody famous dies and they go like this. And they go like this. And they go like this. And then. And I never met him, they go. You know, I walked past them and we bumped arms, but he could have been a dick. Great guy. It's like, you don't fucking know him. You don't know him. You never met him. You. You know, he farted next to you. That it's like. You know what I mean? And they act like it's. They act like they were a part of it because everybody else is posting pictures with this person that they know, and they got to make it about them. It was, you know, Joe Bartnik, a friend of mine. He had a great. He had a great thing. He said, it's been one year since. It's one year since all these comics made Robin Williams death about themselves. And that's the truth.

[Joey Diaz]

That's the truth. It's. It's. It's. And that's what my daughter showed me. Yeah, I didn't need to do that shit. She's on there now. The last thing I need is for her to see me smoking dope. No, my daughter walks into the garage every day and she looks around. It's like, dad, she knows somebody in that house smokes reefer. She's not gonna see me, right? Her knowing and seeing is two different fucking things. She's at an age now. It don't matter. She's 12. I can't hide nothing from her now. Yeah, but that really sat me down and go, joey, what are you doing here? I was getting 15 phone calls from people I met at comedy shows.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

That I would give my number to. And half the day you're taking calls from people. Hey, where are you this weekend? Maybe I'll meet up. I'm at my daughter's karate class. You think I want to hear from you and your fucking stupidity? Yeah, but you're so scared that you have to sell a ticket. Yeah, you have to sell a ticket. Yeah. You have to have these people give you words. And that's great to A level after a while. Now you're impeding on my time.

[Paul Virzi]

Right.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, it's just, it's. And you can't go on my daughter in my time unless you're sucking dick, putting fingers in my asshole.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And spitting hundreds out of your pussy. And, you know, minimum 10,000. Like 10,000 come out of a pussy if things get. And even then.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

What am I gonna tell my daughter? I cheated on her mother?

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah. No, she's 12. Yeah, she's 12.

[Joey Diaz]

So you look at all these things and go, I don't want to be involved with them at all.

[Paul Virzi]

No. And I think the one thing that beats it is quality. If you quality is like you said, it's like, don't have it 80, 20 the other way. Have it, have it 80, 20 that way or 90, 10.

[Joey Diaz]

Comedy is always the most important thing. Your stand up.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Is always the most important thing because. Because word of mouth mixed with the social media mixed with the stars aligning.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Is gonna get you going. Yeah.

[Paul Virzi]

Hunt, that's. That's exactly.

[Joey Diaz]

And that's what people don't understand. It takes time.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

It takes a lot of time. I see a lot of young comics trying to sell tickets now. Just get good.

[Paul Virzi]

Just get good.

[Joey Diaz]

Get really good. Yeah. Because book something to go counterpart, the stand up. Get your little 20 minutes on comedy Central, whatever the fuck. I don't even think they do specials anymore. I think it's just Netflix and Hulu and it's a fucking progression.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

But even if this, even if you go on Last Ho Standing and you win and you got eight minutes, what are you gonna do on the road?

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Let's say you got a total of 25 minutes. What are you gonna do on the road? When ca assigns you, what are you gonna do is you're gonna do three shows and they have to call a guy like me or Paul to come in and headline with you.

[Paul Virzi]

That's the truth. Truth.

[Joey Diaz]

Because the touring was working.

[Paul Virzi]

No, because they did. You do this dance on Tick Tock and you sell out a theater. I've had owners go after 15 minutes of excitement that they're there. There's no show.

[Joey Diaz]

There's no show.

[Paul Virzi]

There's no show. So people leave upset. They're making the person who was middling go. Go later. Yeah. I even tell people, like I wouldn't do, and I'm not trying to knock it, but that America's Got Talent. Well, first of all, I'm not following a dog.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Paul Virzi]

That's what I'm Gonna do. I got a dog's jumping through a fire.

[Joey Diaz]

Magician. Yeah. I don't want to see him.

[Paul Virzi]

That guy's gonna make a card disappear, and then I gotta go up on my. I'm not doing that.

[Joey Diaz]

No, but.

[Paul Virzi]

But, like, it's like I said, all that stuff goes away. Oh, here's the winner of this. It's like, just take time. It's gonna take time. Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And just look at your calendar and go it.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And I'm not talking about year. I'm talking about years.

[Paul Virzi]

Years.

[Joey Diaz]

Like, if you look at that calendar and go five years, 10, people gonna know who I am, and you hope for that. Then people gonna know who I am, and you hope for that. But if you're thinking like that, you're not gonna become a good comic.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

The goal is to become a good comic and then let the ocean part like Moses.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

It's not. Well, you know, I'm trying to sell tickets. Once you say that to me, it's not gonna work. Yeah, you're trying to sell tickets. It's not gonna work. First off, you're going up against 200 people every week. Weekend.

[Paul Virzi]

Yep.

[Joey Diaz]

200 people at least. Killers that really sell tickets, whether it's theaters, you know, and then you got these. A lot of D clubs have opened. A lot of C and D clubs, which. That's where you'd be looking at. Because even if they headline you, nobody cares. No, you're not gonna go back there when you really headline.

[Paul Virzi]

No, no.

[Joey Diaz]

The guy's gonna call you. Come on back. You. You guys serve. You didn't even serve Coke. You serve that Coke from Shoprite or some. You want me to bring my people in there? Get the out of here.

[Paul Virzi]

You got to be there seven days for 650.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, the out of here.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah. Yeah. That's the truth.

[Joey Diaz]

But I all. I did that.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And I knew what it was. You know, I used to come here two times a year and sleep on his couch three times a year. And I'd do everything. And then when I go down south, I sleep my buddy, my brother Chris, Sister's house. And then when, you know, I had places, his uncle. I used to slip on his balcony on the 34th floor in that circular tower. I would just go outside with a blanket.

[Paul Virzi]

Really?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. Out in the back. I would come home and like, I was featuring.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm getting 500. No apartment, no hotel. Nobody pays for your car. You buy an eight ball that's gone.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

I drove.

[Paul Virzi]

I drove to Milwaukee for 350. I lost money. I drove to Milwaukee to lose fucking 200.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, that's what we did.

[Paul Virzi]

Just to get in front of a pack crowd. I drove that. That far. But that's what you got. That's.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, it's investments in your career.

[Paul Virzi]

That's it.

[Joey Diaz]

You got to take a loss. You got to look at it like, I'm taking a loss now, but I'll get this back later. Yeah, and all those people that come to you and go, dog, I'm doing a party for my dog. You want to come do 15 minutes? I can't pay. I'll give you a sandwich and food. You're punching into a clock. You're not gonna get paid today, but if you stick this game out, you're gonna get paid for that. Not how you expect it, but there's always something. Yeah, and it's the nights I didn't want to go out. Yeah, Those are the nights when you make it happen. The nights where you're like, dog, I started coke on Tuesday. Last night it was out. Wednesday night I was out. I didn't sleep last night.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And you sit on the couch and go, I'm staying in tonight. And you put TV on and go, I don't think so. And you go down there, you do a set, and somebody comes up the afterwards. I got a week in Jamaica for you.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah, it happens.

[Joey Diaz]

That's how it happened.

[Paul Virzi]

No, it happens like that.

[Joey Diaz]

That night. You don't want to go out.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah. Yeah. It's. I remember one time. Well, two things I want to say, but one time, going back to what you said, this guy goes. He goes, hey, I got a friend, he's got a bar in New York. He's a fan of yours. He wants you to come down. And I go. I go, that night, I'm with my family, you know, I'm not. I can't. He goes, well, if you want to come down, he'll put you up. He's a fan of yours. And all of a sudden, he puts me on the fucking flyer. Which I said, no. So then my wife goes, you know what? The kids aren't gonna be here, and I'm going to bed. Why don't you go? I go, there's four audience members and 11 comedians sitting around. As soon as I got there, I'm like, fuck, I should have stayed. You know what I mean? And I go, all right, well, now I'm here. And I went. And I'm going, what was that joke? I was working. What was that joke? I was Working on. Long story short, I did a joke that I remembered that I just wrote down. I. I did it at fucking where the 76ers played, and I got an ovation during it. And I closed my. I did one of my specials with it, and I traveled in theaters all over with this joke that I just did in front of that I didn't even want to go and do, but because of that. But I got a great story about you. I got a great story about you. So it's 2000. The world shuts down. I'm working on 2000.

[Joey Diaz]

20.

[Paul Virzi]

20. 20. 20, 20. Yeah. No, yeah. You're like, so 2020, the world shuts down. Everybody's staying home. Nobody's got anything going on. I'm working on the material that was gonna be for my Netflix special, and I would go and walk a track. I'm one of those. I need to think it first. I need to think it first.

[Joey Diaz]

Absolutely.

[Paul Virzi]

And I would go walk. Even when I lived in Manhattan, I would go walk by the river. I just got to think it. It manifested in my head. And I'm walking. And I remember I saw a clip of you on Rogan, and you were talking about this comic. Yeah, I saw this guy at the. At the store. Might have been Adam Ray, somebody. Like, I saw him. He's getting good. He's getting good. I remember watching, and I remember I was talking to a buddy of mine. I forgot who it was, and I go, man, I go. I go, yeah. I was like. I was like, I wish these. These dudes like Joey and. And Rogan saw what I'm doing in the city. Like, I want. I want. I want you to be talking about me like that. Like, it was. But it wasn't in a bad way.

[Joey Diaz]

No, it was.

[Paul Virzi]

It was in a motivating way.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, I love. Watch. I want to laugh.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah, I want to laugh. So. So I remember walking the track, and I remember talking to the producer of my podcast, and I go, two things I want to. Two things I want to do. I go, I want to do a Netflix special. And I was like. And I wish, like, a guy like Joey Diaz and Rogan would know who I am. Maybe I'll do Rogan's podcast. And both of those things happened within. Within two years of me thinking that. And then he ends up. The first time we talked, you called me, you said all these nice things, but, like, that work that you got to put in. And not to be corny, but when I was knocking doors in Queens and I saw some Wild shit I saw. You want to hear one fucked up thing? I knocked. This fucking shit comes out. Half her face beautiful, the other half fucking burnt. And she was angry. She was. And I saw it was fucked up. Then one guy looked like a goblin and he was like. I said leave. And it was fucking smell like drugs in there. And he was like, fuck yeah. Like, I saw some. One chick wanted you. Fuck you. It was like when you go knocking doors in Queens in the middle of the night, anything could happen. But you know what I would do? You know, one guy freaked me out, dude. There was something going on. Yeah. Like he's all up. But when I would knock the 10 extra doors, when I wanted to go home, I wanted to go home.

[Joey Diaz]

That's when you saw.

[Paul Virzi]

When I would knock the 10 extra doors, when I knew every other salesperson was gone and it was 8 o'clock at night and I should be gone, I would just knock 10 more and I would make my quota for the week. And I became a supervisor at 22 with people 50 years old working under me because it was. Is the same thing in comedy. I didn't want to go out. I don't want to go out. And I know. I was like, you know what? I'm gonna go see if this club's gonna give me five minutes. And then I would get that five minutes and I'd get a bit from that. And it was like, it's. You get. The world gives you back what you give it. I really believed it.

[Joey Diaz]

Absolutely. The universe is always watching.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And they're seeing that you're on the couch, picking your toes, watching tv, but they're always watching. When you go down, they gotta borrow money to put in your gas tank. And I was in that position a lot, really. To knock on my neighbor's door and go, dog, I need 10 bucks till Friday to put eight in the tank. And $2 for the tip. Yeah, $2 for the tip. The soda they're gonna give you. At least you have $2 for a tip. I've been there. I know the universe is always watching. And if you think of something and write it down, like every month I wake up and I write down what I want to do that month.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

I only have four shows, but I want to do well. What do I need to do to do well? I need to write jokes. Yeah, you need to get on stage a little bit. You know, just a little bit. I don't want to go out every night now. I don't have the energy. No, I don't have the energy. I'm looking for someplace to go where it's kind of quiet and you could walk in and walk out. Like Gotham. Yeah, Gotham. You could walk in and walk out.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, I don't really. I can't see myself doing comedy on a Friday. Saturday, there's too much going on. Yeah, I don't mind, like, a Saturday, but Friday is normal. I did enough Fridays.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, I did enough fucking Fridays, you know? And I don't want to be in a hotel no more. That's the other thing. That Saturday morning, that Saturday in a hotel is brutal. It's fucking brutal.

[Paul Virzi]

The Sunday's worse.

[Joey Diaz]

I go home, you go home. I'm sure. Sunday, we don't work the Lord's day.

[Paul Virzi]

No, no. Saturday night, I'll drive.

[Joey Diaz]

We don't work the Lord's day.

[Paul Virzi]

You wake up Sunday morning at a casino, you feel like a piece of shit, dude. You fucking wake up and you look at the fucking casino floor on a Sunday morning. These fat fucks getting brunch, and you're four hours away from home. Fuck that, dude.

[Joey Diaz]

There was a casino. I'm not gonna say where, because that's. The casino paid a ton of money. They were paying features, like 8,000 for the weekend.

[Lee]

What?

[Joey Diaz]

For four shows about eight years ago. And I did it. And they closed down because a comic went on a podcast and talked bad about it. So the Indians told the booker, no more comics. But this place is one of those casinos that. It shut down at midnight. And I'm one of those motherfuckers. If you're in a casino, that means at six, if I gotta catch a plane, I call room service. Or I could stop somewhere and get an egg sandwich. A real egg. Yeah, with a yolk. At the airport that they give you. So I remember going downstairs. Like, we don't even open till 9.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

The place was shut down from 12 to 8. And you sitting there hungry.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, and people complained about it and I guess. But they paid you, those Indians?

[Paul Virzi]

Oh, they.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, they don't fuck around, dog. No, they pay those motherfuckers. Lift the rock, Jeff.

[Paul Virzi]

I think I know which one you're talking about. Yeah. Yeah. Because they don't like when they don't want. You talking about the gigs?

[Joey Diaz]

No.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

But I would never talk bad about a gig. What the. It's a good gig. Somebody's. I mean, now we think about the gigs we did 20 years ago, and you go, what the was I thinking?

[Paul Virzi]

They were taking advantage of me? That piece of stuff.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. They were taking advantage of you and just the people you work for. Yeah. Like, I went to a club one time in. Somewhere in Texas, like, off the beach, beaten path. And the owner comes out and he's a good dude, big dude, biker. His wife had the biggest tits, but real big tits, like, and she was good looking with the thin waist. I mean, they were fucking jugs. And they ended up. They went to jail, both of them, because they robbed something together. They were both. They own a company and they robbed the company.

[Paul Virzi]

Oh, shit.

[Joey Diaz]

They both got shut down in jail. But that's the place where. Where this family comes up to me after the show. It's four of them, and all of them were ugly. They all had fucked up haircuts. Like, somebody. Lee, snap out of it. Somebody cut their hair like this, and that's 150. Lee, now you're starting to worry me. We gotta go into serious, serious trouble.

[Lee]

I'm doing fine.

[Joey Diaz]

You're over there fucking drifting off into Chaz moment. Terryville.

[Paul Virzi]

Well, Chaz didn't take anything, did he?

[Joey Diaz]

Huh?

[Paul Virzi]

Oh, Chaz got up.

[Joey Diaz]

No, Chaz was asking what's wrong with you.

[Lee]

Yeah, I got 400 last week. Now I can see. I'm fine now.

[Joey Diaz]

150. No, you're not. I can light a cigarette in your eyeball. That's how red it is. It's like the cherry. Yeah.

[Paul Virzi]

You look like you look how I want to feel later tonight when I lay there. You're good, huh?

[Lee]

I guess.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

So what we talking about? Oh, the family. They come up to me and they're like, man, that was a funny show. I'm like, okay. And I shook his hand, and he hadn't washed his hands. Oh, it was like grit on it. And underneath was like butter. He put his hand in butter and then put, like, sand on it.

[Paul Virzi]

Oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

He went out that night. I remember shaking his hand, going, oh, God. And I go, all right, good to see you guys. They go to me, we want to take a picture. I go, right, I gotta hug these people.

[Paul Virzi]

Oh, shit.

[Joey Diaz]

I go over and I'm like, all right, who's gonna take the picture? Like, we don't know. We ain't got a phone. And I go, even if we take a picture, I'm not gonna send it to you. Like, we don't want it. You just want to take a picture. I was like, this is like. You remember all those things?

[Paul Virzi]

You remember, man.

[Joey Diaz]

And when you're in a theater and there's 800 people there you think of that when you come out and you go. That's when you get your strength from.

[Paul Virzi]

And we do it so much, and we've done it so much that you remember those moments. I got one for you. I'm in. I'm at Cleveland Hilarities. And there's a couple. This. I remember this big black dude takes his wife out for her birthday. And they're in the front and I'm up there doing my thing. And just in the middle of my set, he goes, shut the up. What the did I say? And he starts stomping on the thing. And then he's looking at me with this ice grill and I'm going, whoa, what's going on?

[Joey Diaz]

He's.

[Paul Virzi]

Man, shut the fist. Fucking bullshit. And I was like. And the fuck. I'm like. I'm looking like, yo, can somebody. Is there security? A fucking. A five foot two skinny white kid who looked like he should be. He was. He wasn't even big enough to. And he just comes in, excuse me, sir. And I'm like, he could have taken his kid and thrown him through the back of the fucking stage. And they're outside screaming. But you remember in all the. All the things we do hundreds of shows a year. But I'll never forget that. I'll never forget when somebody approached the stage. You know, things like that. You don't forget those moments. And when we're all said and done and we're fucking sitting in a rocking chair ready to retire. You remember that shit. You're gonna remember that, man. I was scared, though. That was a scary one. And by the way, fuck any club or any venue that doesn't have the right security because they want to save money. And by the way, you've mentioned it before, shout out to Gotham, because Gotham has X. Oh, X and Y, P. Listen, listen. You fuck around there, they. They a guy, they'll throw you out on your head. They'll open the door with your fucking head. At Gotham, they do it. Old school detectives, retired nypd. No. And they're sitting there and they got a trench coat and a fucking hat.

[Joey Diaz]

And they're good guys. And. And they don't give a fuck you're smoking dope with three hands.

[Paul Virzi]

They don't give a fuck.

[Joey Diaz]

They don't give a fuck.

[Paul Virzi]

And if somebody talks, it's. They have the one. You know what? You know what they did? Chris Mazzulli. Shout out to Chris. One time, somebody was online hammered, hammered, drop drunk. And he. Before they got in online, and he just Goes, hey, buddy, it's not gonna happen tonight. And you guys, what do you mean? He goes, you're not going in the showroom. And you're. What the fuck? I paid. He goes, here's four tickets for any show you want to come to. You're not getting in there tonight. And it develops a culture. These cops go up. Excuse me, don't talk one more time, you're out. If you talk another time, you're fucking out. Then you got people. Oh, we like the interaction because we don't know. So you don't want to pay. You don't want to pay. And you're letting the. You're letting the comedians. There's a. There's a comedy club in Jersey. I'm not going to men mansion that me. And they don't think I know they me. And I know they me because I'm able to deal with it. I can go to my act and kill with my act and do it. I've been doing it long enough. But then you got to stop and deal with five animals that have been doing shots and drinking since 4:00, and you got to shut them down. Then you got to go back to your. You could do it. And they don't want to pay security because they know you could do it. It's. They know. They know.

[Joey Diaz]

Sometimes it cost. What's it cost over those? Yeah, sometimes I just give people a look.

[Paul Virzi]

Oh, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, and. And then if the next thing is, dog, you're embarrassing your girlfriend. Nobody wants to embarrass their girlfriend. They shut the up and steamroll like, you don't know. Dog, I had the weirdest thing that happened to me when I shot my special. Oh, yeah, dog, all your life you're waiting to see the special.

[Paul Virzi]

Where was this?

[Lee]

Chicago. Rosemont.

[Joey Diaz]

Rosemont.

[Paul Virzi]

Great room.

[Joey Diaz]

Great room.

[Paul Virzi]

Love that.

[Joey Diaz]

You can light yourself on fire in that room.

[Paul Virzi]

I love that room.

[Joey Diaz]

And there's a dude who's drunk, and it's one of those dudes that she wanted to come to the show, but he was like, him. He's not funny.

[Paul Virzi]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

One of those dudes jealous that she wants to go to the show.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

So he comes anyway. And he was doing that in front of me. And at one point, I was just getting my right foot ready, and I was just gonna kick him in the fucking neck. I was just. I go, I'm gonna ruin everything, but this motherfucker's gonna go down hard. I'm gonna kick him, karate kick him in the jugular. Cause I was right there. I could have just field punted his fucking head.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And again, a little skinny white dude came over, tapped him on the shoulder, said, knock it the fuck off or I'm gonna throw you the fuck out. He just sat there the rest of the night. Wouldn't look at me and shit. Those motherfuckers. I told Chaz last week, I had a kid with a microphone one time in Denver, an open mic. I hit him so hard, it was one of those Puerto Rican mics that the batteries are in it and the batteries floil everywhere. I don't have time, man. I don't have time for those hoes. We're up there doing a job. And now listen, as you mature as a comic, you learn more. Of course, you know, that's the other thing about comedy. You need to do. I don't know how many fucking sets to be, you know, like, it takes, like. And then it takes you a couple sets to get warmed up, but once you find your. Your rhythm again and the old words start coming to you, you fucking. You're a fucking savage up there.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah, yeah. It comes back like a bike.

[Lee]

Do you guys still have, like, fun? Because, like, you guys were talking about money a little bit, and I. That's like the ultimate goal. But I always get paid at the end, and I'm never getting paid that much, but I like the amount of money I got paid. Never really affected how much fun I had on a show. Like, do you guys still have fun doing the shows you guys do?

[Paul Virzi]

For me, money never. Money never. I love it so much when you're up there doing it and you do the new bit and the new bit works, or a new bit needs tweaking, but, you know, it has a chance. I'm thinking of that. And then all of a sudden you get paid. You're like, oh, shit, I'm getting. And I mean, listen, I love the money, but I look at it as like just a. Like a secondary.

[Lee]

So much fun. And it's like, I. Like, you were talking about doing drives I drove to, like, to soldiers. It was like a two and a half hour drive each way. And I didn't even ask about money, care about money. It was just. And it wouldn't. And you're talking about it like it's like clocking in. But it's. The whole thing's fun. Like, even, like the dry. Like, I'm sure if you're doing it for like 20 years and nothing's happening. Yeah, it can get old.

[Paul Virzi]

But, like, if If I'm at the dojo, like if I come in, I see you at the dojo and I see you there and me and you and who is there with us? Aaron Berg and some people we know. When we're there sitting around and he fucking guy brings out pizzas and we're just shooting the shit, talking that camaraderie that's like that, that's like our locker room. There's something that I realized the older I got, how special that is with.

[Joey Diaz]

The right people, people with the right.

[Paul Virzi]

With the right people, you know. But when you got somebody cool and you're like, hey man, you see the game and you're eating pizza. Oh, how was. I saw you were in Seattle. How was that? And you just do that. That's the fucking best. And nothing's worse than when you get a in there.

[Joey Diaz]

Nothing's worse when you're a feature act and you work with a headliner out of town. That also sucks too. And that happens to a lot of features. Not anymore, because headliners bring their own feature now. A lot of them do, yeah. But when I was coming up, I worked with headliners that were shitheads and I understood why they were still doing these.

[Paul Virzi]

You mean mean to you?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, mean to us, mean to every. I still remember asking them all, should anybody ever move to la? At that time I wasn't even thinking of la, right? And all of them were like. So I lived there for 82 years and nothing ever happened. I never got a set at the fucking Improv on a Sunday night, you know? And you're like, what the fuck? But they were all cut from the same thing. All those headliners at that time I was doing One night is with were guys that had done comedy for 20 years, lived in LA, and now their motto was, you got to be gay to live in la. You know, you gotta suck dick if you want to make it as a comic. Okay, we all suck dick to make it as comics. And you get that negativity. Like the were turn offs to me. But the problem with me was after like 2019, I started to. It was regurgitating. It was the same shit.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah, it was a hamster whip.

[Joey Diaz]

And at one point you go to yourself, how many times I'm gonna come to Tempte? How many times? Yeah, how many times this lifetime am I gonna come to the Houston Improv? Or how many times am I gonna go to Hilarious? I got nothing against those rooms, right? But this is what you got to ask yourself on Thursday night when you get back to your hotel room and your wife's calling you and the kid wants to say, night, night. You know. So that was. It was burning me out. And I was just doing it for the money. I wasn't. I really wasn't having fun before the pandemic.

[Paul Virzi]

Really?

[Lee]

For how long?

[Joey Diaz]

It was about a year and a half. It was just business.

[Paul Virzi]

You were just going for the.

[Joey Diaz]

It was work and to pick up a check. Yeah, it was work and to pick up a check. Oh, you sold this show. You want to add another one? Sure. I'm there already. You know what I'm saying? I come up there, you go up and do 45 minutes of shit and go up there and do the best I can. And when I took the time off, I noticed. I said to myself, if I ever go on the road again, it's got to be with a couple guys. I'd rather take less money and laugh my ass. Have your boys light a fucking fire in the hotel. Like Motley Crue movie.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

If we're not gonna do it that way, stay home.

[Paul Virzi]

Right.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, I want to stay out.

[Paul Virzi]

Till three, throw a TV out. The wind.

[Joey Diaz]

How good is that? Then the table, the guy like, what's going on? They threw the table out.

[Paul Virzi]

That's great.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, and that's. It's like everything. The thing that I say to myself now before I go on stage, and it's worth, is, Joey, you gotta have fun.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And you got to tell jokes. For you.

[Paul Virzi]

Yes.

[Joey Diaz]

That.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

That's when you really go, I like that joke, bitch.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Why? Because it makes me laugh.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah. When you do it for yourself, that's. That's it. But that's also experience, too. Right.

[Joey Diaz]

And when they see that you're laughing.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

When they see that you're actually not. Like, when they see that you're bent.

[Paul Virzi]

Over genuinely having fun, going, holy.

[Joey Diaz]

I can't believe that came out of my mouth.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah. That's the.

[Joey Diaz]

Like, they think that I just wrote this. Like I was at Starbucks all day coming up with this. No, this came out from me just unleashing on them because I don't give a fuck at this point.

[Paul Virzi]

Right. That's the best.

[Joey Diaz]

You ever read Judy Carter's book?

[Paul Virzi]

No.

[Joey Diaz]

Anyway, Judy Carter has a workbook, you know. I read the book 82 times. She's supposed to be this big comic. I never bumped into her in la, not even at the coffee shops. Where's Judy Carter? Where's Judy Carter? That book has sold 10 million copies.

[Paul Virzi]

Really?

[Joey Diaz]

And they keep revising it every couple years.

[Lee]

I just bought it. I haven't started reading it yet.

[Joey Diaz]

I know you wouldn't. You fuck. It's better than the other one. Then there's the Bob Hope writer. He's good, but he's kind of nerdy. His work shit is. But Judy Carter always said to start with shit that you hate.

[Paul Virzi]

Start with shit.

[Joey Diaz]

If I'm tricked up on stage, I just start hating. You know what fucking bothers me? A dude in the right hand lane. You know what bothers me? A motherfucker who wears cologne.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Anything. Just to get that hatred up.

[Paul Virzi]

Just.

[Joey Diaz]

Okay, you know? So for me, it was a catch 22. I want to be funny and I want to have fun, but I got to be angry.

[Paul Virzi]

Right?

[Joey Diaz]

I gotta unleash on him. I gotta be. I like something to always happen before I go on stage. Somebody will say something stupid.

[Paul Virzi]

So you have the edge.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. Like two gay guys who have the same cell phone. I just gotta see something that's gonna go, what the fuck is that?

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah. So what happens? Yeah, so that's actually an interesting question. So when you're on stage happy and in a good mood, it affects you.

[Joey Diaz]

No. But your goal is to go out there and be happy. No, fuck being happy. Your goal is to go out there and have a good time for you, for yourself. And that good time.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Will roll into the energies of the audience.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

They have to. Unless they just came from a wake, you know, Even if It takes you 20 minutes.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Sometimes you're up there talking about shit, they don't know what you're talking about. Then you start leveling them and they start getting up and now. Whose fucking phone is that?

[Lee]

It's a car.

[Joey Diaz]

I think that's one of ours.

[Paul Virzi]

It wouldn't be mine. Mine's down the street a little bit.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, yours is down the street. Yeah. Please. I don't know. Thank you. Oh, it almost hit the light. Yeah. Sorry about that alarm outside, guys. That could only happen to us on a Monday night.

[Lee]

Well, bro, they might not be able to hear it.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen to it. It's been going.

[Lee]

Hopefully.

[Paul Virzi]

You know what's fun? Do you know what we would do, too, is, like, going on the road, but going and doing something you wanted to do, like planning the show to go to a game or something like that. So, like, hey, we're gonna go see this football game.

[Joey Diaz]

Absolutely.

[Paul Virzi]

And that's the best.

[Joey Diaz]

But then you get sick of hanging out on Sunday. I used to go see everybody on the road. Dallas.

[Paul Virzi]

Oh, yeah?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. I would Go to the Dallas Improv and on Saturday go to the Chuck and Jive and sit in there. Somebody will give you tickets.

[Paul Virzi]

Oh shit.

[Joey Diaz]

Somebody's always in there. I went to see the Giants against Dallas. Opening it was 115 on the field. Even fucking that deodorant wouldn't help me.

[Paul Virzi]

You know what? I never been where I never been. I never been to a boxing match in my life, ever.

[Joey Diaz]

I haven't been to a boxing match since I was a kid. But you're in luck. Are you working this weekend?

[Paul Virzi]

I'm. I don't.

[Joey Diaz]

Why, what's going on Saturday I got tickets for amateur fight in Homedel, New Jersey. Some of my friends are fighting on the car. Some of them go down there.

[Paul Virzi]

I got all excited. I was like, wait, is there a pay per view at the Garden?

[Joey Diaz]

No. Where's my man John?

[Paul Virzi]

I train that my man John at home. Dell is gonna fuck.

[Joey Diaz]

Nah, man. When I was breathing better, I was boxing. Now I go there and I gotta do like 10 minute workouts. But it's a juice box in Freehold. Tremendous. They train you and then they sell Matt Mexican food.

[Paul Virzi]

What?

[Joey Diaz]

And they sell organic juices like pineapple juice and cantaloupe juice. And they have all these healthy mixes, recovery juice. It's fucking great. The kid that trains me is. I fucking forget now that I'm not in front of him. Jose or something.

[Paul Virzi]

You do everything you have to. You do karate, you do boxing.

[Joey Diaz]

I haven't jiu jitsu since October 8th because I had the pus coming out of my ear. I want to get it on somebody else.

[Paul Virzi]

But you're like people like, you're an active dude, man.

[Joey Diaz]

Well, what else are you going to do, right? If you don't use it, you'll lose it.

[Paul Virzi]

That's true.

[Joey Diaz]

Okay, I was in the hospital for eight days. Five and then three. I could be honest with you guys because you're all family. That's not me. When I got out of the hospital those first three days, I felt it, my muscles. Five days in the hospital room and I took a shower, I washed my pussy. By the time they come to get blood at 7:15, I'm already showered. Grease in the hair, I'm smoking. I get my little breakfast. The breakfast wouldn't come till 9. I would go to the cabinets and steal like 4 things of rice Krispies with orange juice and go back to my room. And then I'd walk around a little bit. But when I came out, I tell you guys, I wasn't strong. At all. I had a couple fucking days that were. I'm like, Joey, it's tough to build up, but it's so easy to lose. You know what I'm saying?

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Like, it takes us a long time to lose weight or to get stronger, but in those 20 days, I lost everything.

[Paul Virzi]

Right? So, yeah. A short amount of time, you lose.

[Joey Diaz]

It, you lose everything.

[Paul Virzi]

You lose everything.

[Joey Diaz]

You gotta start from scratch.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And all I could do was lift weights. So every day I had to lose lift 5 minutes, 8 minutes. Now, today I did 25 minutes. I did overhead presses, I did some bench presses. I got to breathe through my nose and go slowly, which is even better for your muscles.

[Paul Virzi]

Do you have the stay at home sauna?

[Joey Diaz]

No, I go to red light sauna.

[Paul Virzi]

Oh, okay. I went this morning because I bought one for a house. You just go in at one person, you sit down, thing cranks up to like 1/5. You're just pouring sweat 20 minutes. And it's good for your heart. Everything.

[Joey Diaz]

I went in there today and my body needed it because after the first minute I started smelling that titty juice. That titty sweat started coming out of me. It starts dripping from the back. And then your hair opens up. I know you're getting sleepy. Remember those movies in the 70s? You're getting sleepy.

[Paul Virzi]

If I did what you did, I would be. You guys would just be able to put a camera on me and that.

[Joey Diaz]

Would have been all joke would have been up.

[Paul Virzi]

Oh, dude. I'd be foaming at the mouth, crying. I mean, I'd be all up, dude. I can. I start seeing. I start thinking of my wife, dude. I get all up, dude. Oh, did I start reminiscing about sad when I get really up like that? Yeah. Not with. Not with a cocktail, but. You know, it's funny, you had me thinking about the. The hospital. My grandfather told my. My grandfather, he went to the hospital and he never wanted to leave. He never wanted to leave the hospital. So he. My father went there and goes, you know, I got to take him out. And he goes, tommy, he got my. My grandfather called. He goes, tommy, leave me the alone in here. I'm staying. Because he didn't want to go back to my grandmother because she broke his balls. You know, he would sneak ice cream. He had emphysema. I didn't realize we have emphysema. You can't ice cream and like that. It's no good for you. But he would sneak in and why not? She would always break his ball. So he said, keep me in the hospital. So he just stayed in the.

[Joey Diaz]

He wouldn't do that. Now after he sees the bill I got from hospital, it's a hundred thousand for five days.

[Paul Virzi]

What?

[Joey Diaz]

It was a hundred thousand? 21,000 a day. They're not around. I mean, I have insurance. I ended up paying like five grand, right? A hundred thousand.

[Paul Virzi]

A hundred.

[Joey Diaz]

She told me what they were charging. Like, they won't let you bring your prescriptions in. Fuck no.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Because they'll charge you extra $18 for that pill.

[Paul Virzi]

Well, he was.

[Joey Diaz]

I was taking 30 pills a day at $20 and fucking three tetanus shots. Shots.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah, the.

[Joey Diaz]

That you don't clot up with. They would shoot me with everything at 20 a shot. No wonder.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah. Though my grandfather rested, so he was at that VA hospital in the Bronx. Oh, that's the VA hospital. They just killed him. You know, they don't. The VA hospital killed him.

[Joey Diaz]

They don't give hospital.

[Paul Virzi]

You know, we didn't know. We didn't know if he was getting delusional or if it was true. But he said they were tying him down. Oh, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

They don't around like he said.

[Paul Virzi]

He said he was like they were tying him down. He said these old women were all pissed off, yelling at him, telling me shut the up.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah.

[Paul Virzi]

Because he was trying again. They tied him down. So we didn't know.

[Joey Diaz]

They don't get paid enough at the beach. Especially now with rest. Assault with Elon Musk. They ain't getting nothing. Pretty soon they won't even be minimum wage dog. Elon Musk is cutting everything.

[Paul Virzi]

I mean, Elon Musk. How much money he cut down?

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, please.

[Paul Virzi]

I mean, he cut. But I didn't realize what some of the we were.

[Joey Diaz]

He's gonna start cutting the staff down in New York Comedy club. Walk in there. You only need two waitresses tonight that he's cutting sneakers.

[Paul Virzi]

He's gonna go to Gotham. We don't need 4x cops. Get two of them out of here.

[Joey Diaz]

Get one. That's it. One could fight them all.

[Paul Virzi]

But I didn't realize though, some of the things that I heard. I didn't realize we were spending like $300 million on. That was like you're like we're never even gonna.

[Joey Diaz]

You remember years ago they were building something. Not to insult you, Paul, where you been? What do you mean where the you been? 20 years ago they had a thing on 60 Minutes. They were building a something in to training.

[Paul Virzi]

Oh yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

They had to go over and get the sand at like 80,000 a pound. They bought like 20,000. Cocaine's cheaper. They could have made the fucking thing out of coke and it would have been cheap. And they could have sold it after they stepped on it and take. You know.

[Paul Virzi]

No, but they were spending money on, like trans transitioning animals.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, yeah.

[Paul Virzi]

They wanted to see if a cat could be a dude. I'm not. Yeah, they were doing something. No, they were doing some, like. They wanted to test out transgender things on animals. I'm not even joking. Like another country. And Elon Musk was like, what? I'm not even Google it. I'm not even around unless somebody lied to me. But I should have been more. No, but that's.

[Joey Diaz]

You be fucking. Why do you think everybody goes for government contracts?

[Paul Virzi]

Right?

[Joey Diaz]

Because they pay a ton of money.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And they don't know what the fuck you're doing. You send them a book report every three days. Yeah, yeah, we're doing this. Yeah. Check with us again. The monkey. The monkey and the monkey and the. The skunk died. You know what I'm saying? We got him to. But it was, you know, the only transgender animal we have is a pigeon, you know, and that's. Cause his name is Murray. He's Jewish, whatever the fuck. And they'll buy that. You know, dog psychiatry. Yeah, that's white people.

[Paul Virzi]

We chopped the cat's dick off. Now it's walking different.

[Joey Diaz]

I mean, you know, I don't want to get political up in this bitch, but I knew it was spending today. I saw something. Somebody going, kamala should have won. And I'm like, who would have said something like this? Because all these people claim to love America. If you love America so much, why would you let 2 billion, 20 million fucking people from other countries come in here? And we don't have nothing on them. We don't know about anything. You know what open. They're planning against us already. You know who they let in? The people who burnt down la. I guarantee they came into that. Those are professionals. Those are professional lighters. They came with a bunch of.

[Paul Virzi]

They actually. No, they actually caught people. People.

[Lee]

They came with a bunch of bigs.

[Paul Virzi]

In other news, gas station losing big lighters everywhere. No, but they. They caught arsonists and they caught.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, they caught them afterward. Yeah, the ones that want to be copycat is the sick ones. Whoever did that. Gaza hole.

[Paul Virzi]

Oh, okay.

[Joey Diaz]

That was a professional fucking hit. It does. That's a professional hit with fire. Even Jews can't do that. Like, Jews are professional in, like, burning businesses.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Like, when you see a Business on fire in Queensland. There's always a Jew outside. What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do? We lost everything. They double insured it last year. They got Israeli. Yeah, they got Israeli money in. And you know, they're the kings of burning. Bit that's what you call it. Jewish lightning.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

A Jew couldn't even burn that fucking thing. That thing looks like Gaza, man. Yeah, yeah, that was hit with something. That was hit with something like a new laser. That was hit with something, man. Then there was no water, no fire hydrants. Listen, once I. I don't even know what really happened because after I heard like three or four things, I know they're lying, right? I'm like. I'm like Henry Hill's wife. When I look at your eyes, I know that you're lying. And she throws the vice at him.

[Paul Virzi]

With your ready made horns.

[Joey Diaz]

With your ready made whores. Listen, after, like, you get so old and you've been involved in so many things.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

That you hear that shit after, like the second line, you go, turn. This guy's bullshitting me.

[Paul Virzi]

You know what? The bullshit, it's. It's true. And you know, you said something before where you were like, oh, you know, these people don't love America. I was, I was in. I was in Florida and I got in a Uber and the driver was from Syria, and he's sitting there and a big dude. And the only reason why he was allowed to be here is because he had a. He had a wife from here and he had two children. And he's driving me from Orlando to, to the train station. And he goes, he goes, you people here. So he said to me, I never forget one of the only rides where I really took what the driver said. He goes, you people in this country, he goes, you don't know. And he was like, I'm lucky to be here. He goes, in Syria, you're walking through the streets, bombs going off. If you, if you speak one thing against the government, it's even now to this right now. If you speak against the government or you say one bad thing, we could go on podcasts and say all this shit. CNN could say cnn. If you, if you even word of mouth gets out that you're talking against, you could. You could be killed or tortured and your family and there's rockets, people are just getting killed in the streets, getting blown up. He goes. And I never forget the way he said this. He goes, you people here. He goes, your media. He goes, very bad. He goes, you listen to things he goes, you have no idea what you have here in the United States. And, like, I really kind of took it because he was like, I'm lucky to be here because my wife is from here. But he's like, this is the. He goes, I've been all over the world. He goes, this is the safe haven. This is the best fucking. And you take it for granted, man. You do.

[Joey Diaz]

Well, I'm a spic, and I came here and I couldn't speak English. And I remember those years. I really remember that. I remember learning English and how excited I was about learning English. And I wanted to be like Dick Van Dyke, you know, all that shit is. It builds something. And my mother. My mother wouldn't go to a Met game unless she could see the. The national anthem. My uncle's 85. He still goes to Dodger games. And he goes for hitting the national anthem. He gets up on the seventh inning. National anthem. Those revolutionary Cubans, Fidel took everything from them.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

So they came here and they probably got a little handout. There was no fucking immigration loans in those days for three points. And you know today, when you're parked up the corner here, when you make the right onto Kennedy Boulevard before the left from Route 3, as you're making the left, you sit there at that light and look at what's going into the city. So you're pulling up off the three, you just went by the fucking dirty hotel, and you're about to make a left on Kennedy Boulevard. And underneath you have, like that where it spins. And you could either go to shoprite or whatever. Right there it says, welcome to Union City, the world's largest embroidery capital of the world. And that's why all the Spanish people came here, because when they got to Miami, there were billboards that said, come to Union City. A land opportunity. Come fucking make sweaters, whatever you fucking. Yeah, Gusanos do.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And that's why, you know, I remember being a kid and that was the hardest thing to steal in Hudson county was those big boxes of thread. Oh, I would steal like three of those a week. They were like 75 bucks, you know what I'm saying? That's an eight ball where I come from. From. And army patches, you know, that's all done here. But there's something about even this, you know, everybody was waiting for Trump to become president. And I see that. And the big slogan was to make America great again. Two people can't do that. That starts with us, right? It starts with us. It doesn't start with you. Know, fucking some president, putting whatever the fuck he's doing, cutting everybody off, that it's not even gonna be a lunch lady no more. He's getting rid of the lunch ladies. Fuck it. You know? I mean. And he's a good president. I'm not saying nothing bad about it. I don't want to turn this into a political conversation, but to make America great again, we all have to be involved.

[Paul Virzi]

Everybody's got a chip, little by little. Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You asking me what I'm doing? At least I'm not lying. I'm over here talking shit, letting these motherfuckers know how I feel. That makes America better, too. Instead of being those people. Oh, my God. Everything's.

[Paul Virzi]

I'm afraid to say how you feel.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, I saw a post from a 60. I'm 62. This guy's 65. He came from a very wealthy family. Even though he always hides it. And he tells people he's a writer in Hollywood. This guy hasn't even written a fucking paragraph. He's one of those guys. They gave him a job in the height of mtv and he's been living off that. And he wrote something.

[Paul Virzi]

You know how many writers in LA sell real estate?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah.

[Paul Virzi]

They're all fucking.

[Joey Diaz]

It's all boys.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

This guy is filthy rich. They all walk around like they got no money.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

I gotta get a job. Why? He's at 30 GS a month. Why are you lying to me? You got a Volvo. Your kid's got a Volvo. The wife's got a Mercedes. But you need money.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm so stressed out. I got a deadline. For what?

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Tony the Tiger. You ain't writing.

[Lee]

Yeah.

[Paul Virzi]

You ain't. Right.

[Joey Diaz]

You haven't written in years. Knock it off. And he's one of these guys that's always at the. The SAG Award, the SAG protest. He's at.

[Paul Virzi]

Oh, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Every political thing. Every time. Like now. You're not supposed to buy anything on Friday. Did you hear about that?

[Paul Virzi]

No.

[Joey Diaz]

Friday is no Consumer Day. Every Friday online. Yeah. That's. If you're a Kamala Harris fan. You can't buy anything. You're blacking out everybody.

[Paul Virzi]

What?

[Joey Diaz]

Don't drive. Don't.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah, you.

[Joey Diaz]

Are you kidding me? You know, but he has the thing on. But the best. He's 65.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And after Selena went on to cry, he put. I side with Selena Gomez. And I felt bad because I like for somebody to grab and go. You're a 65 old man and you're siding with a little young, confused rich girl that is completely oblivious to reality. Yeah, let me go smack you in the mouth.

[Paul Virzi]

Selena Gomez has $500 million. She could cry about anything. And who the fuck's got time to make a sign and go protesting? Could you imagine? Could you imagine? Sent your ass.

[Joey Diaz]

That means you got a trust fund. Protesters all walk there looking dirty, but they hide the Mercedes a mile away and they walk. I lived in Boulder. You lived in Boulder with me. A bunch of dirty white kids, they pull up in your house with a rocket ship, a $200,000 car. But meanwhile, you know, I need money. No, you don't.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Your dad just bought you a twenty thousand dollar missile.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah, I know.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, I'm broke, man. I need a job. And they got the dirty feet and the long hair and you know why?

[Paul Virzi]

You know what I heard what's nice? I heard in Florida, the car. The car could hit. The car could hit the protester in Florida.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, that's not good for me.

[Paul Virzi]

This was like, look, dude, if you block the road and somebody's got to get.

[Joey Diaz]

I'll tell you, when you said you were young and stupid before, I wouldn't have picked up that hitchhike on there. Rfk, whatever, the fdr. I just really hit him. Who's gonna say that's target practice right there. Just give him a little nip. Just hit his leg up. Just keep walking.

[Paul Virzi]

Did you see what did that with that black guy had his daughter in the car. He said he had to go to hospital. There were these. It was all these, you know, protesters, these white people making a chain across the thing. This guy gets out of the car, he goes, get the fuck out of the way. My daughter needs to go to the hospital, dude. And they push away. But in some states, you're in trouble. If you move them, it's assault. If you move them, it's assault. If you push them away. I'm gonna tell you right now, my daughter or son needs something. I'm showing up with dead protesters on the hood of my fucking car.

[Joey Diaz]

I go under my seat, I get the gun, I give it to you, and I go out like a gentleman and go. I gotta go through. I gotta go to the bathroom. You understand me? I'm 62, I gotta take a piss. Yeah, dude, that's gonna go all over me. So please open up. But we're not. Okay.

[Paul Virzi]

Broom. Broom.

[Joey Diaz]

Put it right in. Fucking extra key. I got the. You take the gun out, just shoot the windshield. Just shoot the fucking windshield. And you'll never see all those white pussies jumping over that bridge. They think it's fucking ice, La Miguel. They think it's ice and they're white and they're running. They jumping off that bridge over to fucking Brooklyn the fuck out of here with their fucking Birken socks on. And go fuck yourself. And the biggest problem, the biggest problem.

[Paul Virzi]

Birkenstock.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. Those fucking sandals. These white women wear those things. They're so comfortable.

[Paul Virzi]

I was like, they make socks too.

[Joey Diaz]

Those women wear. Yeah, and they got the ugliest feet. It's always a woman with a size 10 and a half. You look at their foot and you're like, you really wanna. Do you really wanna expose that fucking piece of chopped meat? Put that in a fucking boot. You don't wear Birkenstocks. I see a woman with Birkenstocks, all I can smell is a filthy ass and a filthier fucking pussy. And we'll end the show with that. When I see a woman with Birken socks, I can tell your ass smells to dick and forget about your little yeast infected period dried pussy. Oh, it's gotta smell like.

[Paul Virzi]

I don't think I'm ever gonna call it Birkenstock again. I'm never gonna call it Birkenstock.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm sorry. I get all emotional about Birkenstock. You know what I'm saying? Oh, that's why I got. I got. That's question number one of Judy Brown. You gotta write about what you hate. Birkenstocks and women who wear them. And the women who don't, put. They don't color their toenail. Then I'll hit with a car. If you're gonna wear those Birkenstocks, you're gonna come out with a size 12 foot. You better put some tint on that. Yeah, yeah, you better put some tint on that.

[Lee]

What color do you like? Does it matter what color?

[Joey Diaz]

No. White, red. You gotta put something. The foot is always wider than that. Because black people don't wear Birkenstocks. You don't see Mexicans or spicks with Birkenstocks. Even these new little jungle spicks, you don't see them with Birkenstocks.

[Paul Virzi]

You don't see Italians? No, Italians don't wear them.

[Joey Diaz]

That's a white lady that drinks ginger and don't eat meat. You ever smell women's pussy when they don't eat meat?

[Lee]

No.

[Joey Diaz]

When a woman tells you she's a vegan, run, run. Cause the outside smells good. Cause they wash it it's once you put those two fingers in, it starts going, smell that room. After that, your fingers stick together. You gotta eat meat.

[Paul Virzi]

You said vegan. Vegans.

[Joey Diaz]

Vegan women. Their pussies. Fucking ranch. I lived in Boulder. You could smell it through the pants when you're walking.

[Lee]

Really?

[Joey Diaz]

Like, something don't smell right.

[Lee]

Really?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. Women who are vegans, their snatches are fucking dirty because the pussy's clean. The soap, it's inside. They need that meat, they need that protein. So you dip your finger in there and start. You know, when you go, everybody gets hot. You're moving your little hips and shit.

[Lee]

What do you think vegan balls smell like?

[Joey Diaz]

I don't know. But you know, that's a good question. And only you would think about that.

[Paul Virzi]

Oh, my God, dude, give us some dates, brother. Yeah, I'm gonna be. Guys, check me out. Check out my new special, Two Reasonable Man. It's on my YouTube. March 13, I am going to be at the Den theater in Chicago. 27th Tempe, Arizona. Improv 28, 29 mic drop in San Diego, California. And I'm going to be at the Denver Comedy Works on March 30. Oh, and we just added Pittsburgh and Cleveland. March 21 and 22. Go to PaulVerzee.com for all the dates. Man, I really appreciate you guys having me on.

[Joey Diaz]

Anytime your family. April 17th and 18th, Moon Tower 17th is sold out. 18th is still available. NJPAC 27th June for the north to South Festival. And tickets just went on sale for May in the City of Brotherly Love Parks Casino. So jump on that. What do you got, Lee?

[Lee]

I'm in New York through the week, so check my Instagram. And then March 1st, I'm opening up for Steve Simone at soldiers. And then March 7th, I'm at laugh it up in Poughkeepsie.

[Joey Diaz]

You're fucking beautiful.

[Paul Virzi]

Nice.

[Joey Diaz]

I love you, Paul.

[Paul Virzi]

How great of a guy is Steve Simone?

[Joey Diaz]

Tremendous. He's a Catholics.

[Paul Virzi]

Catholic. Every time I go to Tampa, he's actually going church.

[Joey Diaz]

He's a better than the priest. Like they should like the Pope. He's gonna die him. That dude looks like a pedophile, and I'm a Catholic. Oh, yeah, he looks like an old pedophile. You. I could see him in a disco in New York in the 70s, jumping up and down with a bishop shoot on, you know, I'm saying I could see. Especially with that big head.

[Paul Virzi]

Now, Simone is the close. Steve Simone's the closest thing to a saint.

[Joey Diaz]

He is.

[Paul Virzi]

Yeah. Great guy.

[Joey Diaz]

Until you show him a nice pussy, I guarantee he loses his money. I love you guys. Have a great week. We'll be back next week. Tip top, Magoo. Love you. What's happened? You bad savages, you. I'm going to talk to you guys about Onnit. Onnit is one of my all time favorite companies. We haven't spoken about them in a while. You know, I go on my little alpha brain cycles from time to time. Now they've improved Alpha brain. They got alpha brain powder. They got alpha brain everywhere. And it's tremendous. The new mood is still intact. I love everything from on it, you know, the kettlebells, the club bells, the whole thing. But I can only help you with supplements. Go on there. Start your year off on the right foot. It's the second quarter. Come on, let's do this. Right after the tax breaks. You're getting ready for the summer. You want to look good, you want to feel good. Everything's beautiful, right? Go to Honit.com right now. Press in code. Church. I'm going to get you started with 10% off and great service and a great quality project. Product. That's what I meant to say, product. So go to Honit.com right now. Press in church. Look at the supplements. There's list of them and they're all good. And tell them Uncle Joey sent your church. Get 10% off your first order. Now without further ado, let's get this motherfucker started.