Beautiful Savages

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament – Episode "Beautiful Savages"

Release Date: May 6, 2025
Hosts: Joey "Uncle Joey" Diaz (Comedian, Actor, Best-Selling Author) and Lee Syatt
Location: LIVE from NYC

---

1. Introduction and Catch-Up

The episode kicks off with Joey Diaz warmly greeting listeners and introducing Lee Syatt after a brief hiatus. The hosts briefly reminisce about Lee’s time away, setting a casual and humorous tone for the episode.

• Joey Diaz [02:28]: "I missed my little Jewy pudgy."
• Lee Syatt [02:31]: "I know. I've been in Maine 14 days."

2. Fast Food and Culinary Adventures

Joey and Lee delve into their recent culinary experiences, sharing anecdotes about attending communion parties, indulging in various fast foods, and their particular preferences. Joey humorously critiques the abundance of breadcrumbs in baked clams, comparing it to an overcomplicated search for something simple.

• Joey Diaz [04:05]: "So I took 600 milligrams at about 11 o'clock in the morning just to be ready... I sat down, I did a couple sangrias just to loosen up the fucking whatever."

Their conversation shifts to bagels, with Joey expressing disdain for Sara Lee bagels and emphasizing his preference for traditional New York-style bagels.

• Joey Diaz [05:07]: "A Jew never delivers in a fucking silver container. A Jew shows up with a brown paper bag he's been carrying for years in that desert."

3. Financial Struggles and Credit Issues

The hosts transition to discussing financial hardships, particularly focusing on credit card debt and its ramifications. Joey shares personal struggles with multiple credit cards, mounting debts, and the challenges of managing payments amidst unforeseen expenses like car troubles.

• Joey Diaz [16:02]: "I remember being broke, dog. My cat swallowed a fucking needle. I had to scrape up $600 with like 10 credit cards."

Lee echoes these sentiments, highlighting the relentless cycle of debt and the difficulty of escaping it once entrenched.

• Lee Syatt [16:45]: "It always happened. At least to me, it would always happen right when I thought I was doing well."

4. Discussion on Prisons: Alcatraz and More

A significant portion of the episode is dedicated to a deep dive into the prison system. Joey speculates humorously about reopening Alcatraz, comparing it to other supermax facilities like Colorado’s Supermax. They discuss the harsh realities of prisons, both in the U.S. and abroad, emphasizing the lack of rehabilitation and the business-driven nature of incarceration.

• Joey Diaz [32:37]: "Prison in this country is a business. There's no end of topic to it."

The conversation extends to Cuban prisons, detailing the brutal conditions and human rights violations, contrasting them with the more controlled environments in American prisons.

• Joey Diaz [38:10]: "They just shoot you. That's all they do. You're a traitor to the country."

5. Immigration and Cuban Experiences

Joey shares personal experiences and observations about Cuban immigrants and their struggles, touching upon the harshness of the Cuban regime and the challenges faced by those seeking asylum. He recounts interactions with Cuban individuals in the U.S., highlighting the disparities between their realities and his own upbringing.

• Joey Diaz [41:03]: "These girls come up here and they're buck wild Cuban chicks. When they go off the rails, dead buck wild..."

The hosts reflect on the broader implications of immigration policies and the human cost behind them.

6. Personal Anecdotes and Societal Observations

Throughout the episode, Joey and Lee engage in a series of personal stories and societal critiques. Joey humorously discusses his high tolerance for THC, his interactions with palm readers, and his plans to "torture" someone believing she's from another planet—a reflection of his unique comedic style.

• Joey Diaz [65:24]: "If I went to a palm reader as a goof, and this motherfucker told me that I was from another planet, how’d you feel?"

They also touch upon the commercialization of holidays, expressing skepticism about their authenticity and societal impact.

• Joey Diaz [28:00]: "It's a bullshit holiday because it doesn't even. Mexicans don't do it. It's for white people to drink margaritas."

7. Health, Fitness, and Personal Well-being

Joey discusses his commitment to fitness, sharing his workout routines and the importance of maintaining physical health. He balances his humorous anecdotes with genuine reflections on aging and personal well-being.

• Joey Diaz [83:32]: "I have nothing going on. I have a podcast. I do a couple comedy shows. But I have a lot of things going on in the house."

8. Closing Remarks and Final Thoughts

As the episode wraps up, Joey touches on his upcoming court case related to a lawsuit against a weed company for using his likeness without permission. He emphasizes the importance of contracts and legal protections, blending his personal experiences with broader industry insights.

• Joey Diaz [75:39]: "I started trial June fucking 30th on Zoom. Every day after 5:00."

The hosts conclude with mutual banter, maintaining the episode's light-hearted and irreverent tone, teasing future topics, and thanking their audience.

---

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Joey Diaz [05:07]: "A Jew never delivers in a fucking silver container. A Jew shows up with a brown paper bag he's been carrying for years in that desert."

• Joey Diaz [32:37]: "Prison in this country is a business. There's no end of topic to it."

• Joey Diaz [28:00]: "It's a bullshit holiday because it doesn't even. Mexicans don't do it. It's for white people to drink margaritas."

• Joey Diaz [75:39]: "I started trial June fucking 30th on Zoom. Every day after 5:00."

---

Conclusion

In "Beautiful Savages," Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt navigate a myriad of topics ranging from personal anecdotes and financial struggles to deep dives into the prison system and immigration issues. Their candid and humorous exchanges offer listeners a blend of comedy, insight, and unfiltered conversations about life's complexities. Whether reminiscing about fast food antics or dissecting societal structures, the episode provides an engaging listen for those seeking both laughs and thoughtful dialogue.

Transcript

[Joey Diaz]

What's happening, you beautiful savages? The church is in session. Tuesday 6th May. Looking good, feeling good. Everybody's ready to rock. Lee Cyat's here. Looking handsome as a devil. We'll be back. Jack. Hey, Uncle Joey here. Listen, every once in a while you need a little boost in the bedroom. Like Media Night. It was like 15 seconds and I blew a casket. You know what I'm saying? Blue Chew is the OG brand offering chewable tablets for. For better sex. And it's now better than ever. Trust me when I'm telling you. Introducing Blue Chew Max, which combines the active ingredients of Viagra Cialis into one powerful, chewable ba. Bam. Listen, you take one of these things, you put it in your wallet, you bump into a pigeon on the pond, and there you have it. You pop one of these pills, she asks you what it is. You tell her it's a breath mint. And then you go fucking bananas. Great sex is just a few clicks away. Sign up on their website, answer a few questions. It's very easy, all right? And if you're approved, you'll get your prescription in just days. The mailman delivers it. Nobody knows nothing, not even your mother. Maybe you live with your grandmother in the basement because you're a mook, but you're a mooc who slings dick. You know what I'm saying? Make life easier by getting harder. And discover your [e-mail]. and we got a special deal for. For the church family on a Tuesday morning. You ready for this? Try your first month of Blue Chew for free. When you press in promo code. Joey. Joey. J O E Y. Ladies, if you're listening to this, go ahead. What are you. Put five of those in your little purse. You go down the shore, you jump up and down with your men. They're a little lame. They're drinking cocktails. You blast them with some coffee and you hit them with a Blue Chew. Forget about it. Twelve minutes later, you're in the bedroom getting your hair pulled. You follow me. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. And I want to thank BlueChew for sponsoring the show. I want to thank you guys. Also, enjoy the episode. Ah ah ah, ah, ah. Welcome back to ch. What's happening, beautiful people? We haven't seen you in a while. Where you been, Lee?

[Lee Syatt]

I know. I've been in Maine 14 days.

[Joey Diaz]

I haven't seen Lee. Something like that.

[Lee Syatt]

14 days? Well, close to it.

[Joey Diaz]

Close to it? Yeah.

[Lee Syatt]

Like 12, 10 days. Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

My heart was, you know, I Missed my little Jewy pudgy.

[Lee Syatt]

You missed torturing somebody.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, I always miss you. I worry about you. Things could happen. I don't know if you got mugged yet, so.

[Lee Syatt]

Trust me, that's like the biggest question on the Internet right now. What do you mean when I brought it up?

[Joey Diaz]

But we want to mug you somewhere. Like, people are like, you know what, we're just going to mug him on an off state. Like, next time you go away with Josh Wolf, they'll mug you in Virginia.

[Lee Syatt]

That's exactly where I'll be May 30th.

[Joey Diaz]

There you go. See, I can feel it. I can fucking feel it. Yeah, it's been a great couple weeks. Last week I didn't do shit, guys. I was not feeling it at all. Yeah, I wasn't feeling it last week. I didn't do comedy. I wrote a little bit, but basically just worked out, stayed at home with the girls. I was pretty quiet all weekend too. I didn't do anything till last night. Last night was the first night I said, you know what? Let me wash my muffler and get out of the house.

[Lee Syatt]

No, when you say you didn't do anything, how many milligrams were you taking? I didn't do shit. I did do 1000mg a night.

[Joey Diaz]

Friday night, I think I just ate like a half a mushroom chocolate bar. Like, that was it. And I got a little giggly. Whatever. But it was just like in passing.

[Lee Syatt]

Right.

[Joey Diaz]

You know what I'm saying? Nothing really stuck me. There was no anchors to the ground. But sadly, I went to a communion party that started at one and I knew there was going to be good food.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

So I took 600 milligrams at about 11 o'clock in the morning just to be ready. Tip top, Magoo. As soon as I walked in that one, no stories. And sure enough, I sat down, I did a couple sangrias just to loosen up the fucking whatever.

[Lee Syatt]

But then, like, none of, like, whenever, if I ever am that high and there's food there, like, I'm gonna be like, I'm not gonna say hi to people when I walk in.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm just gonna walk straight to the food. No, no, no. I walked in, sat down, said hello, gave the kid his fucking envelope, and then I attacked. You know me, why fuck around, dude?

[Lee Syatt]

You saw me at their house a couple years ago. I walked in, didn't say a word, and then bagels appeared and it, like, saved my life.

[Joey Diaz]

But those are good fucking bagels.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah. If they Come in a brown paper. I've never seen bagels coming in a brown paper bag.

[Joey Diaz]

That's the old school way. That's when you know they're real. A Jew never delivers in a fucking silver container. A Jew shows up with a brown paper bag he's been carrying for years in that desert. Oh, there's everything in them. A fungo powder, everything, just to keep everything alive. You know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syatt]

Well, that's. I, I.

[Joey Diaz]

What I want. What? What? What? What? God damn it. What's up, though?

[Lee Syatt]

I did. I had some bagels, like, in Maine. And I. Because before people would be like, oh, I had like, it's not. And I didn't know what they meant. It was my first, like, not New York bagel since I. And I was like, oh, yeah, this is what they're talking about.

[Joey Diaz]

You've been eating non New York bagels since I fucking knew you.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, but then I used to buy.

[Joey Diaz]

The Sarah Lee bagels, the ones you bring home and put in the toaster. I'm like Glee. You can't do that shit again. You live in the great. This is what I'm talking about. Even when you're in the greatest city, you still take a lot of.

[Lee Syatt]

Well, I did it in the Maine.

[Joey Diaz]

You should start hanging out with my brother George more often. Both of yous. I don't know what's going on the circuitry. You don't eat a bagel. You live on fucking. Where do you live? Times Square, right? A couple blocks from Times Square. You say, sure, okay. You don't eat, and all of a sudden you go to Maine and now you decide you want a fucking bagel up in Bagelville.

[Lee Syatt]

I eat bagels here. All I'm just saying.

[Joey Diaz]

What is Maine known? Grapes or something like that?

[Lee Syatt]

They actually are known for blueberries. I didn't know that.

[Joey Diaz]

Blueberries. Yeah, I knew it was grapes or something like that, you know. So what makes you want to eat those things?

[Lee Syatt]

They brought it to the office.

[Joey Diaz]

Well, then just because they brought. If I brought a piece of shit in a fucking hot dog, then when you eat it. No, you're Jewish and you wanted to save the 10 bucks, so you opt in on the food they brought in.

[Lee Syatt]

I gotta be honest, it's not even the money that you don't even.

[Joey Diaz]

You don't even eat breakfast. You fucked.

[Lee Syatt]

Unless it's free in there.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, okay. Unless it's free in there. Don't want you to bagels no more. You're a New Yorker now. Maintain it You're a fucking Marine now. Maintain it. No more poofy bagels, no more Sara Lee bagels. None of that shit. You're in New York, you're a Jew, act like it.

[Lee Syatt]

So what should I like, pick it up and throw it away?

[Joey Diaz]

When you see, don't even pick it up. Just go, I gotta go get a bagel. And they'll go, why there's bagels here? No, no, no, no. This is moshad. This is dog shit. This is dog shit. I'm on the East Coast. I don't deserve to do this to myself anymore. I did it for fucking 23 years in California. I'm not doing this.

[Lee Syatt]

Right?

[Joey Diaz]

I'm not doing this. And you walk out and slam the door like a fucking. Like Clint Eastwood.

[Lee Syatt]

Ah.

[Joey Diaz]

And make sure you put your scarf behind you. That's when they know you fucking mean business.

[Lee Syatt]

I should start wearing a scarf. Why don't I wear a scarf?

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, I don't know. If you wear a scarf, I'll stab you. But anyway, yeah, I went to this fucking thing. I was stoned when I walked in there. I had hit the pipe and I got some good weed this weekend. It was 39, 38 and 36%. I don't know what the fuck is going on in this shit.

[Lee Syatt]

It's good.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh my God, it fucked me up. And I went in there with the edibles and at first I started off slow. I took the tomatoes off the mozzarella because I love the tomatoes. So I just ate the tomatoes with pepper. I wanted to start off slow. Then the baked clams came. There were too much fucking too many bread crumbs in there. I don't know what's going on with people. How many breadcrumbs? There's a clam this big and you put two teaspoons of breadcrumbs.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah. Cause you want to hide the clam.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. No, hide the clam and what in breadcrumbs? That's like eating a 400 pound chick. You gotta find the clit. You gotta fucking. You know, nobody wants to do that. Nobody wants to play find the clit. So it's the same fucking thing, right? Nobody wants to play that game.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay?

[Joey Diaz]

It's tough enough to find the G string when it's in there. It gets cupped in between a little fat leg over here and you got to pull it out with a fucking scissor and cut it like a umbilical cord. You know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syatt]

None of the chubby girls I had ever wore thongs. It was very sad.

[Joey Diaz]

You got to wear. Listen, the. The thong is like. It's a size smaller.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

So if they eat a lot of donuts or they get fucked in the ass, it just pops, you know, it's like, look at Lee, he's like a little retard.

[Lee Syatt]

You buy a chair that I have to fucking dangle my feet with, it's gonna happen.

[Joey Diaz]

So, yeah, I had that. I had some baked clams. Then the chicken came with the fucking potatoes and scarpiello. Not too good. But I ate the chicken to get protein.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay?

[Joey Diaz]

Chicken off the bone, zero points. Then they were gonna make steak pizza at all. But he didn't want a red sauce on it. Let me tell you something. It was one of the best cuts of meat I've had a long time. I must ate 50 pieces of those little meats.

[Lee Syatt]

Did you leave the kitchen?

[Joey Diaz]

I wasn't in the kitchen. I was in the fucking banquet hall. Like everybody.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, it was a banquet hall. I thought it was at the house. I don't know.

[Joey Diaz]

And then they brought. Listen to this. They brought baked zeppelins. Baked, baked. The first bite, you're like, this is different. But then you're like, holy shit, there's no grease. I must have ate a whole fucking bag. They're like, every table had a bag of them. I kept going over to every table, just stealing one big one. Like, they look like white horns. By my area, there was a circle of white powder. It was like 1987 in my fucking area. There was white powder everywhere. On my sweats, my fucking shirt, my jeans. I ate a whole bag of those fucking things. Delicious. I'm gonna tell you what else I ate the other night. I told you, I got super high the other night.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm like, I'm gonna see what these Krispy Kreme's all about. I'm gonna stop at McDonald's and get a glaze. Krispy Kreme dog. I tell you what. Not bad. I only ate one of them. I gave the rest of the grouse. Then we threw them out the next day. Three of them.

[Lee Syatt]

Were they hot? Like, did they warm them up?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, they weren't. They were in a little thing. I mean, listen, not bad.

[Lee Syatt]

Well, of course it's a Krispy Kreme. It's always gonna be good.

[Joey Diaz]

But they only got three brands. They got the white one, the clear, the chocolate with the sprinkles, and maybe something else.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, but it's McDonald's. Like, that's how you know they want us dead. If they had had Krispy Kreme at McDonald's when I was going to McDonald's four or five times a week, I would be dead right now.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, they should just put a casket outside. Like the first guy to get like a business, call it McDorkin's, and put it next to McDonald's a funeral parlor. And then like, bury people in their favorite, like, Quarter Pounder casket, fucking, you know, McNuggets, McNugget casket, the whole fucking thing. It wouldn't be like right now if you fucking opened up a funeral parlor and just put, like, caskets made out.

[Lee Syatt]

Of, you know, the french fries. Yeah, you can put a whole family together.

[Joey Diaz]

You can put a whole family together. You could put them in the car eating the french fries. Bury them. Bury them, and 200 years from now, exhume them. The skeletons will be dust, but the french fries will still be there in the package. And one finger will be stuck on the bone by the time you go get. It just dissolves.

[Lee Syatt]

Dude, that's a crazy. Have you seen that? Where, like, scientists will have, like a McDonald's meal under a glass for like 30 years and there's not even mold on it. Like, that's how like, they're like. There's like three or four of these that I use. There's no. I don't. I think I ate more fast food than, like, you know how they have like that Spotify wrapped. Like, you're in the top 1% of you two listeners. I think I was probably for a while in the top 1% of. I would eat fast food every day when I was 300 plus pounds. I love fast food and it's disgusting and I still like it.

[Joey Diaz]

I heard somebody, they took them saying that Wendy's is just.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, they ruined. It was the best. It was. Wendy's was number one when I was growing up when the cups were yellow and they had. They had a. Someone was just. They were just talking about this in Ru. Garbage. They had a. A salad bar that had pudding and jello on it for free. And then you could. Oh, and then the spicy chicken sandwich. This sandwich used to be big and. And now it. It looks like they microwaved. I hate Wendy's now. Wendy's was number one. And now it's just chili. I never had the chili. Wendy's had chili.

[Joey Diaz]

Let me tell you something. The chili kept me together from 1997 to 2000, maybe 2001, because the chili and something else was on the dollar menu.

[Lee Syatt]

Probably a burger.

[Joey Diaz]

A burger. The little and the Baked potato. So fuck, for six bucks, man, that was lunch for me. I get the chili, the baked potato, which you didn't eat the skin even back then. Like I like the skin, right? I always eat the skin first, but not there. The skin looked a little fucked up, but the potato was okay. And then I'd eat the cheeseburger with it.

[Lee Syatt]

I'm surprised you ate the chili. Isn't that just like the day old cheeseburgers that they just put in there.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, I didn't know. I don't know at that time, listen, I was so fucking. I went day to day. So it was whatever I got, you know, I was on that Josh Wolf block by Vista. I got a turkey burger from Josh Wolf or fucking, you know, so I went. One of the places I went to was Wendy's and the other place was. What's a Chinese place down the corner from there? It's well known. Like it's been there for fucking.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, like an LA place?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. Okay. Right there on the corner of La Brea and Sunset, there's a Chinese.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, is it the. It's. It's not the Chinese theater, is it?

[Joey Diaz]

No. Is that the little fucking La Brea?

[Lee Syatt]

I don't know where anything is.

[Joey Diaz]

Sunset La Brea has a Chinese place on the corner that I went to for years. I forget what the fuck the name. I would go there, get lunch at the same time, get my headshots done. There was like 20 things in that area to do. There was a thousand things in that mall. They talked karate upstairs. They fucking. Then across the street was the other headshot lady and she was really hot, really hot Asian. And her husband looked like Santa Claus. And we were going there every day to make copies. And one day the husband died. And somebody told me like, the husband died. I'm like, I'm gonna go over there and get dibs on that woman. It must have been like 98, 99. And I remember me and my friend Ricky Cruz had the biggest crush on that Asian woman. And we would go over there every day and try to hit on her and she wasn't budging, you know what I'm saying? Like, she was like, nah, I'm no mood, but she was hot. So we would go over there, make those printing copies. That whole neighborhood was like an actor neighborhood. So everything you needed was in those couple streets. Fuck, it's gonna kill me not to know the name of that Chinese joint.

[Lee Syatt]

Well, we'll look it up during the break. Okay, but it's so you'd Go there and eat and get. Like, the lunch special.

[Joey Diaz]

Lunch special was huge there.

[Lee Syatt]

How is it? Did you get anxiety about that? Like. Cause I know you didn't. It didn't seem like you minded being broke when you were back then.

[Joey Diaz]

I was used to it. It was just. Listen, after a while, you get used to it and you think you're gonna be there for the rest of your life, so nothing really matters. You look at your credit card bills and you go, minimum payment, 300. Good luck. You know, you used to look at your credit cards and go, I owe $60,000. And you look at the bill and go, I'm never gonna get out of that.

[Lee Syatt]

Like, that number could be 6 million at 60 grand.

[Joey Diaz]

Never gonna get out of that. Like, at that there's a number that you could always get yourself out of with an extra job and pray that your tire doesn't blow up or your engine doesn't blow up or your cat doesn't swallow a needle, you know? I remember being broke, dog. My cat swallowed a fucking. And we had to scrape up $600 and like, 10 credit cards, like, 32 off one, 18 off the other, you know? But that's the things that set you back when you're trying to get debt off your fucking mart. It's that fucking flat tire, and they can't get it. Now it's a $250 tire that destroys you.

[Lee Syatt]

And it always happened. At least to me, it would always happen. Like, right when I thought I was doing well. Like, it would be like a couple weeks or a month of, like, okay, I'm ahead now. It's okay.

[Joey Diaz]

Put the money away.

[Lee Syatt]

Everything's good.

[Joey Diaz]

I filled up my tank. I. I got groceries. And then you have a fucking. You hit a pole. I remember one day I hit something and I called Ralphie to bail me out. I mean, there was no way. I just called him and told him the truth. Ralphie, I don't have a dime. I got no tires, and there ain't no way I can make a living or get anything to eat. He's like, go over to Goodyear, the Goodyear on whatever. Tell him I sent you. Tell him to call me up. I'll give him my credit card number. Dog, I had to do that once with him. It was just. There was no hope. There was no way I was going to get four tires. Even if I went to Las Feliz and went to those little Mexican shops with tires of 20 bucks, even at that, I couldn't afford 80 bucks, right?

[Lee Syatt]

Because I've thought about that a lot because I've been very blessed that, like, you know, things get expensive and I. You know, money gets tight. But you think about that like a single mom or anybody who. They're like, hey, you got towed. It's 200 bucks. And like, I don't.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, the car's done.

[Lee Syatt]

There's no way I'm gonna get it.

[Joey Diaz]

200 bucks. The car's done. I'll never see that thing again. Because if I do get a hundred dollars, and then I'm looking for another hundred, I'll buy a gram of coke. Cause I'm depressed because I didn't get the other hundred dollars. You know, there's always. Guys, there was always something, you know. And there comes a time in your life when you go, okay, I'm in this debt, you know, College. Like, I was talking to a friend of mine a couple weeks ago, and she has been out of college for 10 years, maybe even longer. And she was saying she still owes 50 large.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And I'm like, you walk around every day with a student loan debt of 50 large. I'm not judging.

[Lee Syatt]

That's probably low.

[Joey Diaz]

Walk around with a debt of 400,000 and not answer my phones. I couldn't even get a phone. It took me 12 years to get credit. And it started with Sprint. That's why I'm very loyal to Sprint. Because Sprint signed me for 200 bucks a month. My package was 189. So every time I went over, they shut my fucking phone off and I had to run down there and pay $2.25 and shit like that, you know. But Sprint built me back up, right? Terry put me on a loan. I paid it back. And fucking. There was just so many things I was just. But I disappeared for so long, those cards started collapsing in 92. I disappeared. I was like, I'm getting a pager. If these credit card people get a number of a pager, I'm hiring them. They're fucking the best. Because they would call me anywhere. I'd go to the bathroom here, and the phone would ring you Joey? Yeah. If somebody wants to talk to you. Hey, it's Visa. It's Tom from Visa. Where you been? You were supposed to send that check last week. We never got it. Listen, your card's going to get cut down this Friday. You got to get a minimum payment in real quick to keep it, you know? And you're like, minimum payment? It's Friday. I got to make rent. Yep, your minimum payment is going to the fucking Landlord.

[Lee Syatt]

And there's like. They don't work with you at all, really. I've noticed.

[Joey Diaz]

No. Who's gonna work with you? You're a bum. You didn't pay the light bill.

[Lee Syatt]

No, but even. Even if you do pay, like, you.

[Joey Diaz]

Didn'T pay the water bill, You're a bum. You didn't pay it for six months, and then you did this. You're a bum in their eyes, right? I sold cars. So I remember the credit reports and how the banks would look at credit reports and how every time, you know, there's so many things to affect your credit rating to make it stronger. And there's a lot of things you could do that works against it. You don't even know.

[Lee Syatt]

Well, that's what I'm talking about. Like, let's say on the other side, let's say you start doing one, you can start making payments and you get busy. You're working and you're late by two days. And like, sorry, we're going to ding your credit report. Sorry, late charge.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, if you've been working, you could.

[Lee Syatt]

Call them sometimes, every once in a while. But some of them are assholes, dog.

[Joey Diaz]

I know, it's like, all right, people tell you not to file for bankruptcy, but if you call those debt consolidation places, they're fucking worse.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, really?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, because they cut a deal, they get it wiped off. So listen, in my situation, when you look at a bankruptcy, it's. You're dead for seven fucking years. That's a long time to be dead for. That's dead. That's dead. I was dead for like 13 years.

[Lee Syatt]

And was it hard for you to like, get. I mean, you weren't even.

[Joey Diaz]

I had credit card. That was 250.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay?

[Joey Diaz]

That was 82%. So if I put a sandwich on at the airport, it was just a travel. My wife got me a $250 card just to travel, but it was 30%. So if I got a cheeseburger, it was $42. And that shit was ticking. That's another company that would call me and go, hey, you're at 298. You better make a payment right now. We're going to shut down the car, you know, it was fucking brutal, you know, and then I had that. The pager, which doesn't fucking get you anything. And then I don't even. A friend of ours opened up a Sprint store on Hollywood on Sunset, right by the comic book store where we did the podcast at.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, right there.

[Joey Diaz]

There used to be a Sprint store there.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

And he told me, he goes, come in and I'll get you hooked up. 200 come in. I was like, he ain't gonna do it. He fucking did it. And then that builds up a little bit. And then, you know, guys, who the fuck knows? I just. To this day, I'm still leery of credit cards.

[Lee Syatt]

They're very scary.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm leery of credit cards. I'm happy they're ATMs. I'm happy that when you go there, you got the money in the bank and that's it, it's yours. It's not yours, but that other shit, that's the quickest way of shooting yourself in that. It's like the other day. And listen, you guys are gonna look at me and go, joey, you're a hypocrite. No, I'm gonna tell you the truth. The other day, I'm watching this fucking. I was watching something sporting event. And Terry, my wife, goes, that's just weird that there's a sports betting line on the tv. And I go, terry, this is it. Listen, when you grew up in this area as a child, guys talk gambling all the time. So eventually you put in that first five timer, which was $5 to win 25 or lose 30, you know, and you get. And I grew up with three or four people got into gambling problems. But I predict in the next 10 years, five years, that the gambling problem is gonna be worse than it's ever been because it's introduced to these kids at a young, young age and it's accepted. You know, when I was 18, you had to call a guy. Hi, Black Cavalier. Now you just put 200 on your books and you're ready to rock at 18, 19. Little Joey, the kid around the corner, had three or four accounts. She's fucking 10. He 10 FanDuel and another one, you know, these. And these kids figure it out. I don't give a fuck. The same way we figured out how to get somebody to buy liquor for us, they figure out how to open up, don't go in front of the mother and take their hand while they're sleeping. And yeah, there's a thousand things, right?

[Lee Syatt]

And even then, like, I'm sure kids get credit cards on, like on their phones now. And all you have to do is attach it to a bank account. And like, luckily a lot of these major, like people, like, they verify everything, but you never know. They could get into their parents account and place bets. I'm sure that happens. It's the whole, like even, just all, everything the Phone brings to kids is crazy.

[Joey Diaz]

Everything, like everything in your world is on your fucking phone. Like somebody steals your phone. They're crafty. You're done. You're done because they've allowed that. They've allowed it to put Apple pay and this pay and poop poopoo pay. I don't pay nothing but my fucking phone. I got an ATM card and I got a pocket, and that's where I pay from. I don't need to king king like a fucking idiot to be cool in front of your friend. I don't need that. I don't need to order ahead.

[Lee Syatt]

You don't order ahead?

[Joey Diaz]

No, I don't want them to know I'm coming. Why? Are you going to call somebody and let them know I'm coming? You're going to shoot me? I'm coming right into your hands. You want to poison me with that coffee or whatever.

[Lee Syatt]

Nobody goes.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't do none of that. I show up and you put the order in. You watch them. You look in their eye, you black dog. Because they're not. They don't know. Who's the order for? Lee. Okay? They don't know fucking Lee. Unless you go in there every day and you start a relationship with them. But today, nobody talks. They go to a counter, right? There's a food. They put a bag on the thing. You walk in, you look at it. Thank you. And you walk out. You don't know. They don't know you from Adam.

[Lee Syatt]

No. People steal that stuff all the time.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, I would, dawg. Can you imagine in my day? Shit, I'd be eating for free like a motherfucker right now, walking into Starbucks. Fucking lifting. I see it all the time. And people just. They leave it there. They wait for the Uber. How many times have I been to Starbucks with my daughter? And there's a couple of those drinks and fucking cherry drinks, and all of a sudden some fucking dude walks in like he just ran out of a track. You know, he's just getting chased out of the racetrack in Freehold, which is closed. But he comes out and he's like, uber. So Uber picks up coffee for you.

[Lee Syatt]

Uber will pick up anything you want.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm too old school. I can't do it. No, I don't want to order ahead unless I, like, if I have to order, like there's two or three things I could order from my favorite restaurant, Hosta Ria. I could order chicken parm and they'll cook it for me. I could order anything and they'll pick it up and I trust them. Everybody else, I don't want to trust nobody. I want to go there and order and see what they do and how they act. Like with a Chinese restaurant, I want to see them make it. It's right there, the kitchen.

[Lee Syatt]

But you can't usually see into the kitchen.

[Joey Diaz]

There's two restaurants in my neighborhood, you can see in the kitchen Chinese places.

[Lee Syatt]

I had no idea that was part of, like, the.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, yeah, that's the whole thing. When they get the food on the wok, the cat, they throw gasoline on that motherfucker, the thing blows up. They start yelling at people.

[Lee Syatt]

Do they ever get mad at you for just staring at them or. You look mean, mobile?

[Joey Diaz]

No, I'm fucking amazed by them. Listen, if I go to a. How many restaurants you go to in their. A la fresco, whatever the fuck, where the kitchen's wide open and the chef. I would never work at one of those places. No, like, if I was a chef. Listen, this is what I need is a bunch of fucking jerk offs looking at me. Fuck yourself. El Nido has three tables for VIPs that you just look in the kitchen.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, they have tables in the kitchens at some restaurants.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, I'm not doing that. I gotta perform like a seal now. It's hard enough I gotta cook. Now I gotta have three idiots like, you know, looking at me with a fucking glass or whatever the fuck they holding. I forgot it was Cinco de Mayo yesterday. What a fucking fucked up holiday.

[Lee Syatt]

You didn't like Cinco de Mayo?

[Joey Diaz]

Well, it's like a bullshit holiday because it doesn't even. Mexicans don't do it. It's for white people to drink margaritas. Like, right now, if you go anywhere on Route 22, Mexican explosion, that's what you're gonna see. A bunch of white girls about to get raped. You know what I'm saying? With that fucking tequila and shit, letting themselves off. Somebody slips a roofie with a tequila, you're done. You wake up. What happened? Yeah, I'll tell you what happened, you dumb fuck. You should have stayed.

[Lee Syatt]

It is kind of amazing how, like, there's so many holidays that if you boil them down or just people get fucked up.

[Joey Diaz]

But you don't know. You only know one year when you puke on that holiday, when you puke on Cinco de Mayo, and you wake up the next morning, like, what? I went to a bar. There was no Mexicans there. There was not one Mexican jumping up and down. The only Mexican was the bus boy, and they treated him like Shit, they were whipping them, the whole fucking thing.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah. And, like, what about, like, St. Patrick's Day? Isn't that really. Not, like, do Irish people really care about that?

[Joey Diaz]

But listen, you don't want to. You don't want to entangle the Irish.

[Lee Syatt]

What happens with the Irish?

[Joey Diaz]

Just leave them alone. It's that day. You know St. Patrick is Italian, right? That's how fucked up it is. So just don't worry about it. If they offer you a drink, you take it. Like Mother's Day is bullshit. It just makes me sentimental. I go, what the fuck? Mother's Day is every day, right? In your world. Mother's Day's every fucking day. Calling them, thinking about them, whatever, Right?

[Lee Syatt]

You'd hope so.

[Joey Diaz]

And then Father's Day, that's the worst. That's the worst of all the fucking holidays.

[Lee Syatt]

You don't like it?

[Joey Diaz]

No. Like it. I fight hard every day for that little fucking munchkin.

[Lee Syatt]

So what? And you don't want. I don't know. It's not nice.

[Joey Diaz]

What are we gonna do? Go to a park? Look around.

[Lee Syatt]

You get to grill.

[Joey Diaz]

Happy Father's Day. Let's go eat. There's nothing there. It's a homemade holiday.

[Lee Syatt]

That's true.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, it's like, I think they're gonna change a bunch of holidays back. Like, they're gonna bring back Columbus Day and something else and something else. No more Androgynous Day. That shit got cut out. That's it.

[Lee Syatt]

There's one change that I saw that I wanted to get your opinion on, which is they're opening Alcatraz.

[Joey Diaz]

Okay.

[Lee Syatt]

Let'S just say they do. Could you imagine, like, being sent there? That's fucked up.

[Joey Diaz]

After the guy mugs you. Well, they'll send them there.

[Lee Syatt]

Let's hope. Well, yeah, fuck him.

[Joey Diaz]

Have you been to Alcatraz?

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Me, too. You take. I've been, like, two times. Tremendous. You take the fucking boat out there. I don't think people would survive out there now. Yeah, I think it's been a big difference in weather, climate. That's a cold motherfucker out there.

[Lee Syatt]

Probably.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm gonna repeat it. That's a cold motherfucker out there. I'm gonna repeat it. That's a cold motherfucker. September. You go to those stadiums, you freeze. I can't even think about October when Barry Bonds was hitting those home runs into the ocean. Whatever the fuck, right? Those games were fucking. You freeze to death. You would see those people out there, like, freezing.

[Lee Syatt]

I mean, it's California. I knew it was a little colder. I didn't know it was that cold. Do you think it's dog?

[Joey Diaz]

I remember I went up there with Felicia. I left Burbank airport, it was 100 degrees, I had a white T shirt on. And I landed in San Francisco and I had to stop in Fisherman's Wharf and get one of those welcome to San Francisco sweatshirts. In July, it was fucking 60 and freezing. Because that wind comes off that ocean. Blazing, blazing, remember? So what's the writer? What's the famous writer? The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, shit. I don't know.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. The coldest winter he ever spent was a summer in San Francisco. Mark Twain. Mark Twain. There you go. So Alcatraz is a prisoner unless they reheat it. You know, you got. It's so out function now.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, no, they couldn't put people there now.

[Joey Diaz]

But it doesn't. Listen, here's what the purpose of a prison is. Punishment. It's not for you to go to a vacation or anything like that. That's the real purpose of a fucking prison. And to try to get rehabilitated, which they don't give a fuck about. They think putting you in a hole with no windows is going to rehabilitate you. You know what I'm saying? But, like, what's that? Colorado Supermax. You don't even see sunlight there.

[Lee Syatt]

Really?

[Joey Diaz]

That's under the fucking ground they built it in.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, shit.

[Joey Diaz]

Just like two or three floors in.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, no. I didn't know that.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. I wish we had all this shit used so we could show people. But all that shit was a prison that was built down. So it's like either two or three floors. That's where America's worst are at all. The terrorists, all the people. That's where they put them. That's. You're not ever gonna see fucking daylight again.

[Lee Syatt]

They might like Alcatraz then.

[Joey Diaz]

Who?

[Lee Syatt]

It's kind of pretty.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah.

[Lee Syatt]

Like, to go from in the ground. I didn't know it was in the ground. I'm not even trying to be funny.

[Joey Diaz]

No, no, no. I'm not talking about Alcatraz. I'm talking about the one in Colorado.

[Lee Syatt]

Right?

[Joey Diaz]

Supermax, whatever the fuck. And then they have. Then you're gonna open up Alcatraz, which, again, it doesn't pertain to me because I'm not planning on doing any crimes.

[Lee Syatt]

No, of course not.

[Joey Diaz]

There's two or three I'd like to do.

[Lee Syatt]

That's all.

[Joey Diaz]

That would be way more. That's it so if they open it. Listen, prison in this country is a business. There's no end of topic to it. There's maybe three people who'll tell you that, yeah, we could do it, and people could get better. No, it's not. It's just a business. They open up halfway houses. Prisons, Prisons, prisons. You know, it's a business. So, yeah, we got more criminals, so you might as well open up more prisons.

[Lee Syatt]

I can't imagine it just to be an Alcatraz just seemed extra scary. I didn't. It's 24 hours because, like, no one's ever escaped.

[Joey Diaz]

Well, they did. Clint Eastwood escape.

[Lee Syatt]

I apologize.

[Joey Diaz]

Nobody caught that dude. Nobody found the body. They just found the shackles. Years later. Okay, the sharks could have ate him, but that dude was never found. So let's just say he didn't really escape. He tried.

[Lee Syatt]

He tried a bunch of people. I think it was like 12 or 14, I think. I. I read today.

[Joey Diaz]

And nobody.

[Lee Syatt]

No, the only. That one guy who, like, they didn't find.

[Joey Diaz]

They didn't find.

[Lee Syatt]

But it's. I don't know, but like, the amount of money it would cost to rebuild it. Like, do like you just said, prison is a business. Do you think we should be spending, like, our money on, like, building? I don't know. That seems up.

[Joey Diaz]

I mean, who we're going to throw in that. Homeless people, I guess. Give them their own island. Homeless island out there. Send the migrants out there with them.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, probably.

[Joey Diaz]

You see, today, they didn't have the. They didn't have the. The sweatshirt on today. They had the. The camouflage hat. I saw like three of them walking around. The camouflage had my favorite migrants. But no, all jokes aside, listen, it's like anything else. If you build it, they'll come, right?

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You build Alcatraz, rebuild it. I don't know what it's going to cost. I'm not a construction. This is the first I heard about this.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, okay.

[Joey Diaz]

So, yeah, listen, keep opening them up. And there's a bunch of other prisons that are fucking shut down. Maybe ratty. Listen, this is. It's a prison. It's not supposed to be the Four Seasons. It's fucking prison. Yeah, you got your little alarm park for the Italians up there in Northern California. They go up there and learn how to play tennis and ride horses. You got the one on the East Coast. I forget what it is. You got prison camps that are fucking pretty nice. But you've earned your time. You've paid for an attorney, you know what I'm saying? You maintained him, you covered your bills. Now it's time to celebrate a little bit. You go up to Lompoc, that's where all the pimps go. But not everybody's gonna get to go up there, right? So you know me, dog. I ain't planning on going back to jail, but fuck no. So I don't think. And then you have the one in Cuba that they using. Oh, Guantanamo, Guantanamo. Aren't they using Guantanamo too? What's that? Oh, it's just for migrants.

[Lee Syatt]

I didn't know that.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, but why are we building. See, again, I don't want to get into politics, but why are we building a jail to put migrants in there, Send them back. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, that makes sense. That makes sense. See, when you're like it, like let's say I didn't have paperwork and I came from Cuba 14 months ago. I do something wrong, anything, I throw a wrapper on the floor. If a cop pulls me over and takes me down, it's a, whatever, violation. They can take you back to Cuba.

[Lee Syatt]

Damn.

[Joey Diaz]

Okay, you get in trouble here, not throwing a piece of wrapper on the floor. But you know what I'm saying, like, if I commit a heavy duty crime and they take me down to immigration, they could pull me out of here and then for those, those people are gonna just shoot me. That's all they do, they just shoot you. You're a traitor to the country. You came here, you left on a raft.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, if they send you back to Cuba.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, if they send you back to Cuba, they just shoot you. And everybody knows that. That's why they have all these fucking people trying to get human rights violations down there. There's tons of them and they don't give a fuck. They're a communist country. You think they're fucking. Their prisons have TVs and remote controls and they give you three eggs for breakfast and it's club fed. You think that's what they got down there? No, dog, it's brutal. There's no air conditioner. That island gets hot, power goes out. There was a jail that they would just make them walk around naked. Can you imagine that? Being in a prison with men naked and there's a hole in the floor and that's where you shit and piss. Good luck getting to that fucking hole.

[Lee Syatt]

Especially where I am now. If you grew up there, I don't know if you grew up there. Is it less crazy or is it.

[Joey Diaz]

Just as crazy if you grew up in Cuba? Yeah, well, half the people in a Cuban prison Aren't that because they're real criminals? It's because they broke a political policy.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, they're putting people like that in that kind of prison. I thought this was like supermax.

[Joey Diaz]

Well, no, no, no. They have a couple prisons in Cuba. They have many detention centers and shit like that. But in every province, as they call them, they probably have a prison, right?

[Lee Syatt]

Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

But if you don't go to school, like, I forget what the rules were. If you didn't go to work, like three days in a row, they put you in jail. They do a ton of shit to you that we don't know about, or some of us do, but they do. But I know when I met people 40 years ago that were just getting out of Cuba from Mariel, it was brutal. On Saturdays and Sundays, you had to go to a meeting place and Fidel spoke for eight to 10 hours. And you have to stand there in the heat and there's people watching in the audiences to see if you're falling asleep. You have to clap. After everything he said, you had to do all that shit. If people saw you not clapping, they come over, get you and throw you in jail, give you a beating. It's fucking brutal. And to think that we're 90 miles from that and it's been close to 60 years, 70 years, 60 years that nobody has done shit.

[Lee Syatt]

Right? I mean, and that's like, it's. It's a hard question because, you know, we, we. I don't want to get political either, but, like, there has to be some fine line. Like you are. You are an immigrant, like, so you understand where these people are coming from. Like, a lot of people are in up situations and like, that's kind of what America was built on. But it obviously went like a little, like a lot too far.

[Joey Diaz]

It's really weird how I feel about all that stuff. When I first moved to Jersey, you know, a couple miles away, is the club 35 okay, 35 xxx. It's a club that my friends owned. And it's just a strip club that's buck wild. It's buck wild in there. But the first time I went in there to see him, he said to me, all those girls over there are Cuban. So after a couple minutes, one of them always come up to you and talk to you. And I started talking to one that was young and nice. She was about 25. And I'm looking at this girl and she's beautiful. I mean, she's beautiful on these streets, if you dressed her up and shaved her eyebrows and you know, got her tightened up. She's a fucking knockout. She was blonde, she was funny. And, you know, I would give her like 30 bucks, just sit here, talk to me. And I would ask her creepy questions about Cuba. And she would wait for me some night. She'd go, it's Wednesday, you gonna come? You know, like the whole thing, I liked it. I don't know, ever since the club closed down. I don't know what those fucking people are doing now. But I would talk to her, man, and it would make me really fucking sad.

[Lee Syatt]

Why that.

[Joey Diaz]

That place is still doing that. Like these people get on a. Like, yeah. Now you could leave now, if you do the paperwork, you could leave, but you gotta leave somebody down there. Like this girl had her mother down there. Her father lived in Miami, but her mother was down there. And she was taking trips once a month to go down there. That's why she stripped. But they're hookers. But they've been hookers since they were 14.

[Lee Syatt]

In Cuba.

[Joey Diaz]

14, 13. They're out there for the tourists and all these fucking animals that go down there to fuck 14 year old hookers.

[Lee Syatt]

I didn't know that.

[Joey Diaz]

But these girls come up here and they're buck wild Cuban chicks. When they go off the rails, dead buck wild, they'll say shit to you that you're like, oh my God. Like, she was talking about sucking my ball through my asshole and sucking the true sperm out of it. And I'm like, why are you talking about it? This ain't gonna happen. They're on a different fucking level. And I would talk to them. How long have you been doing this for? Since I was 14. Sometimes I'd be sitting there watching a game and she'd come over like nothing and go, come on, go have a good time. We'll get your dick sucked. Get one of these chicks to suck your dick. I mean, it was fucking insane how they. That's their mentality. But I would ask them about like different things, the food and. Man, it's not good. It's not good.

[Lee Syatt]

What happened?

[Joey Diaz]

Just that I have no meat.

[Lee Syatt]

Really?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. You get like a laundry list every month of shit. Three cans of ginger, Alex. Eight eggs. But you got, you know, got 30 days. You eat. We eat two eggs a day, right? At least 30 days, that's 60 eggs. They get eight eggs for four people for a month. They could probably get like two cups of coffee for a month. You got to keep reusing the filter and figure out they call it white coffee. That's what they Call it in Cuba, white coffee now with some shit. They only have the coffee no more, just the soil where all the fucking. Those great tobaccos were grown. That soil has been abused. There's no good soil left. They've been banking on that soil since fucking 1920. It's 2025. That soil is fucking. That's why they're not. They're coming from the Dominican Republic, are they not? There's like Dominican cigars are big.

[Lee Syatt]

Really, you know.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, I didn't know about that. That's, you know, they got a grid that hasn't been built that's been. I think a pirate built it, the electrical grid. Every time there's a storm, they lose power for three or four days.

[Lee Syatt]

And it's still a communist country.

[Joey Diaz]

Still a communist country. But then on the other side of that again, I'm talking hypocrisy because my cousins are there. My cousins belong to a national Cuban band. And guess what? They don't suffer. They don't suffer. They have beautiful homes, swimming pools, they get great money. My cousin performs every night. I'm not. Again, I'm not talking shit about it. I'm just telling you the realities of that fucking communist country. These people, they barely eat, they got no shoes. You see the cars in Cuba, Fucking. A Cuban could fucking fix a car up, dog, right?

[Lee Syatt]

They're all like 70 year old cars, right?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, 70 year old fucking cars. And they still got them on the road with duct tape and elbow grease.

[Lee Syatt]

And I just don't know. Our problem is they're communist, so we don't let anything go in. Is that the deal?

[Joey Diaz]

We have an embargo. We have an embargo so nothing American could go in there. We can't help them, we can't do anything. So they maintained, they were maintained for years off of Russia and then Russia went broke and then they cut them off. So I think the only thing Cuban has is sugar. Yeah, they trade, but not sufficient. And the government takes all the big packages. You know what I'm saying? They just give you little buds. Oh, yeah, you know, but then again, we're not. Listen, we can sit here and talk about Cuba. There's places in Africa that are like that. I mean, listen, man, we goof around a lot and all that, but what's Palestine look like? You know? Think about all these places now on earth. Think about what our fucking freedoms are. We get up and go get a hot dog. We get up and fucking go smoke pot or something like that. And then there's these Fucking people. That. And then you have to think about how lucky was I that God let me be born in the United States.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Like, did you ever think about it? You could have been born in Africa with flies on you and people coming up to you with a dish in their mouth trying to talk to you and shit. And you're like, I got, got, got. I don't know what the thing. And I'm not saying that's bad. They might be looking at us. Yeah, go and look at those billy goats from America with everything. But you ever think of that? That's when it really gets scary, when you're like, how lucky am I that I wasn't born during fucking, you know, in India during the fucking. The cow scare of 1922 or whatever the fuck it is, you know? You guys don't. You know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syatt]

Like, absolutely.

[Joey Diaz]

You have to at times go, what? Why was I so lucky that I was born in this country instead of Switzerland or fucking somewhere that's not kosher, where you see people like, you ever see that late night commercial and all those people have the fucked up lips and you gotta send them money, you know, Clef Pallotto, how come we weren't born there? How lucky you are. So when you start thinking about that, you go, you know what? I gotta do something with my fucking life.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, we're very lucky.

[Joey Diaz]

So it's pretty fucking interesting. Let's take a breather. We're gonna talk to you about a couple things today. DraftKings, Nick. Blue Chew. You know how we do it. We'll be back. Hey, Uncle Joey here. Listen, I'm trying to class up my life and that includes nicotine pouches. Nick is the best. So that's what Uncle Joey's gonna use. Let me tell you something. These pouches are made with natural coconut fiber instead of wood pulp. And the flavors are amazing right now. I'm gonna pop my favorite over here. This little raspberry lemonade is tremendous. Mmm. My favorite. Listen, they got a bunch of flavors and nicotine strengths to choose from, so the world is your oyster. They Even have a 0mg option available this month so you can dial in the perfect experience. Listen to me, it's time to upgrade your nicotine pouches with Nick, just like I did right now. Today, my listeners, the church family, get 35% off when you order through my exclusive link at nykdpouches.com church c h u R C h. You can use the code up to three times. Three times. Don't wait. Get 35% off right now on NYKD Pouches and check out the Church Bundle with my favorite players flavors. That's nykdpouches.com church NYKD products are only for adults of legal age, you little young with a hooligans and every order is age verified. Don't even try it. This product contains nicotine and warning it's an addictive chemical. But listen, get down with Nick Jack, yo, Uncle Joey's here and UFC 315 is almost here. I almost made that like a little rhyme. We got two big title fights with Muhammad versus Dela Madalana and Valentin Sherchenko versus Marion Fiorat. It's going to be a good time, so you better get those bets in with DraftKings sportsbook and official sports betting partner of the UFC. If you're brand new to DraftKings, here's something big. New customers can bet $5 and get 200. Bang Bang and bonus bets. That's insane. But we got it going on over at DraftKings. Where else can you get $200 to bet out of nowhere? That's right. Do you want to sit on the sidelines or you want to get in on the right there under the action, hear the punches, the kicks. DraftKings got over. DraftKings got how they're going to win. TKO decision or a knockout or submission. It's tremendous. Download the DraftKings sportsbook app right now, pressing code Joey J O E Y to get it on the UFC 315 action. That's Code Joey for new customers. New customers to score new 200 in bonus bets when you bet just $5 only at DraftKings. Where the crown is yours. Gambling problem. Call 1-800-GAMBLER in New York. Call 877-8-HOPENY or text hopeny467-369 in Connecticut. Help is available for problem gambling. Call 888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org Please play responsibly on behalf of Boothill Casino and Resort in Kansas. 21 and over. Age and eligibility varies by jurisdiction. Void. In Ontario, new customers only. Bonus bets expire 168 hours after issuance. For additional terms and responsible gaming resources, see dkng co Audio. We're back bitches. Anyway, Lee Sayat is fucking done because he took a week off. He went to training. Everything was good. He went up there with his girlfriend. That means they on 5 milligram edibles and the whole thing.

[Lee Syatt]

And then he do I ever get to defend myself.

[Joey Diaz]

No, it's not mother's surprise party.

[Lee Syatt]

400 milligrams.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, but that's why we gotta shock the fucking system. You took 10 days off. Didn't even bring an edible up there with you. Dicked around for two fucking weeks. You know? Now you want to tell me? I know what I'll talk about. My mother's 73. Listen, leave me alone, all right? You ate Puerto Rican food at some white people's house.

[Lee Syatt]

No, no, Puerto Rican food was really.

[Joey Diaz]

Good at white Puerto Rican.

[Lee Syatt]

But yeah, if anyone had 400 milligrams. People come up to me and they tell me like, I've had doctors come up to me and be like, we're surprised. Like you're okay.

[Joey Diaz]

I tell them to go fuck themselves. They're all pussies, too. These fucking doctors, They're a bunch of fucking pussies. They don't know dick about dick.

[Lee Syatt]

They know something.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm surprised you're still alive when they knew so much. How come when I took the 800 milligrams in the hospital and my heart rate was up above the moon, how come they couldn't figure it out?

[Lee Syatt]

Okay, because they don't think people.

[Joey Diaz]

And they looked in my eyes. They were looking in my eyes that long lights in there. I'm like, you find the fucking helmet, you fuck. And they couldn't find it. So don't believe it, Doctor. They don't know a dick about the THC world. I've been involved in the THC. I'm 62 years old. You got to. At this point, you gotta say, he's been doing something for 50 fucking years. Cause 12 is usually the starting point. I've been in this shit for 50 years. Nobody's died, nobody's OD'd. No. Well, there's a couple people have become retarded. But God loves them too. You know what I'm saying? God loves the retards, too, and I'm one of them. I know it's affected me, but fuck, you know. You're not going to come to me with some Chinese story about reefer, maybe anything else, or pills or whatever. Not reefer. I've been living proof. And all across the country, all across the country, from ty weed in 83 here, all the way over there to the shit from the Golden Triangle. Before was even the Golden Triangle.

[Lee Syatt]

What's the Golden Triangle?

[Joey Diaz]

I'm not gonna tell you. It's those four cities, like up in Northern California by Humboldt and the other ones. And they grow weed up There, okay? It looked like fucking Coke in the 80s. That's how many white powders was in the fucking bag. So now people gonna come tell me about thc? I don't fucking think so. That's why when I go to weed stores, I just got aggravated when people tell me that, oh, it's 29%, but you got terpenes. Listen, these terpenes don't do nothing. I need torpedoes, not terpenes. Terpenes are for faggots. I need torpedoes to shoot in my fucking brain. You know, dog, we don't even get high on 29, 30% weed. I don't know, I got to put it up there and add makukia juice to it and fucking. We've worked hard for this tolerance and I'm fucking proud of it. So fuck you and fuck them and fuck the doctor too. Gonna tell you I hate when Pete listen, you're not gonna tell me that you got a license to smoke weed because your foot hurts. Listen, I'm too old. I'm too old. Just look me in the eye and go, listen, I like getting fucking high, okay? Then don't tell me you get high. Not you. I'm not leaving like I'm accusing you. I'm not accusing you. You're a good egg. What I'm saying is that fucking, you know, people want to right away, well, he's been smoking pot. I'm sick and tired of people blaming everything on fucking drugs. You know, maybe you were retaught when you started and you shouldn't have done drugs. Did you ever think of that? Because I know that was my problem. I wasn't ready for drugs, but I indulged in them and then went deep. And I wasn't ready for that. It broke me. And somewhere I made it back. I don't know where the fuck I made it back. I'm not all there, but I'm not fucked up either. Hearing things. I live a very normal life. It's not like I'm fucking. You know, what do I care if the weed keeps my powder dry, so be it. You have to figure out in life what keeps your powder dry. For some people, it's reading a book. For some people, it's jumping off a fucking building. For some people, it's getting their dick sucked. And for some people like me, I'm very content when I get smoke weed at night. Very content? Very content.

[Lee Syatt]

And is it something you see yourself doing for the rest of your life?

[Joey Diaz]

Fuck yeah. Till I'm in that fucking recovery room with the Ear cancer and the fucking. You can't smoke in here. The oxygen. Go fuck yourself. I'm blowing the whole place up. Yeah, I'm blowing the whole fucking place up. I'm not going silent at night. I'm Uncle Joey, bitch. Speaking of which, we've discussed this person on the show again over the last couple months because it's my entertainment right now. I don't. I don't have much entertainment, but my form of entertainment is to torture certain people. I've been waiting eight months to torture this girl. And she finally gave me the answer this morning. I wake up at Monday morning like I do every fucking Monday, 6:15. And I just picked up my phone. I have my whoop on there for sleep. So I usually do that when I'm waiting for the coffee to brew. I hit the whoop button and it tells me how hours I slept, how many times I woke up in the middle of the night. And usually because I don't do drugs anymore, I don't have anybody calling me late at night every once in a while. I got somebody from California. There's a guy that's a writer that hits me up, but he fucking forgets. I get the text message at three in the morning. I'm like, this guy's a fucking. And he's from New York. That's what really burns me up. And he still texts me at 12 o'clock thinking it's nine here. That's how retarded he is. So I gotta hit him up every once in a while and go, what the fuck? How you know? So this morning I woke up to three texts. And one of them was from this crazy girl. And I opened it up and she goes, good morning. I just want to let you know, I went to see Palm Reader, one of those people, and he said that you should be in my life. And he told me, or she told me, that I'm from a different planet. And I always knew that I was from a different planet. But then I went home and told my mother and she said that she's honored that that planet let her raise this girl.

[Lee Syatt]

Hold on, dog.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't know what this is. So I put the fucking phone down. I get my glass of water with 22 ice cubes. I drink like three glasses of water. I go outside. It was raining this morning, but I still went outside. I had a hooded sweatshirt, so I went outside. I thank God for giving me another day. I'm thankful for what I got and for what I don't got. And then I deal with the world. And after I finish that cup of coffee, I deal with the world. I didn't even deal with it. Then I went downstairs and I sprayed the shit in my lungs and fucking read Yahoo. There was something I wanted to see if Houston won last night. I was looking through all that. Then I finally went out. I smoked and I came in. I go, now I'm ready to look at this fucking text message. Because sometimes I think I can't read. Sometimes I look at text messages and I don't even know who sent them. Like sometimes I can't see that it's dark in my room when I get up. And then I just go to the bathroom, pee, put my sweats on. So I look at this message again. I got a message from a buddy of mine, some other lunatic. And I look at her message. This is the one I wanted to see again. And again I read. I went to see a hand reader, whatever the fuck, and he says that we should stay friends. And that fucking I'm from another planet. And I always knew I was from another planet. Something just crazy talk. I had to put my glasses to actually look at it. And that she told her mother and the mother said she's honored that the planet gave her to her to raise. And I'm like, wow, this is fucked up. I didn't even answer it. I just erased it because it was too heavy in the morning. I can't deal with that. I can't deal with that. That heavy in the morning. I got a 12 year old and she's gonna come down the stairs any minute with some fucking nonsense. And I sit there and take it. You know, I'm to that point where I just turn the chair around and sit there and watch her just spiel about something that I have no idea what she's talking about.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, but that kind of, that's.

[Joey Diaz]

But then I thought about it throughout the day and I'm like, this is my hook to torture. I'll get like one of those lights that people put up in front of those clubs in front of New York, you know what I'm saying? When you pull up on your limo and the light's going around, right? We'll put one of those things in front of her house, like 50 yards, like a beam of light that just shines through her window when she's watching tv. And we'll set her up like that, little by little, leave like Martian shit on her car or something.

[Lee Syatt]

You're gonna like. She's gonna go nuts.

[Joey Diaz]

So who cares? She's already nuts. If somebody goes to a palm reader. If I went to a palm reader as a goof, and this motherfucker told me that I was from another planet, how'd you feel? What would I do? Yeah, I'd tip him and walk out of there. I don't know. I don't fucking know. But I wouldn't believe it, you know? I mean, I don't even want to get into that. Because then the third fucking conspiracy people come up to me. But it's just fucking weird what's happening in America today. It really gets. Grab the water. It's okay. Did you see that? He just had his hand up like chilla. Like chilla theater. Remember? He had that little Jew hoof up like he was scared. He couldn't even know what a this is 400 million. And I ate like six. This motherfucker. I ate two here with you. And I ate one on the way up. And I smoked a blunt on the way up because it was bumper to bump in traffic and I couldn't see. So I said, fuck it. If you're walking on ice, you might as well dance if you're not gonna see. With all this rain, I might as well. I had this half a blunt lap dog. I smoked it yesterday at my daughter's game on the way to the game. Cause I was running late. I was fucked up. My wife went and got McDonald's for everybody. I killed that shit. And then me and her were both sick last night. We had stomach aches. I had like six of those McNuggets and some fries and a Dr. Pibb, and I was fucking fucked up. Mr. Pibb. Whatever. Dr. Pepper. I don't even know no more what happened. Lee, you're not going to give me the hand? He had the hoof. Ooh, is right. Yeah. I told you we ain't fucking around here no more. We're adults now. You know what I'm saying? The church in LA was something different. You took two, three years off. And I told you, we're gonna kick it back up again. But then you started fucking around with those edibles from New Hampshire and the faggy bagels and the whole fucking deal. And then now this is why you're like this. You could eat 400 and fucking do backflips when I met you.

[Lee Syatt]

First of all. No, I couldn't.

[Joey Diaz]

Yes, you could. Now you eat 400. Look at you. You're not even gonna remember the score of the Celtic Knick game tonight. That's how fucked up you are. Cocksucker it's not gonna be good. No, but it's okay. You need this once in a while. You were too much of a.

[Lee Syatt]

What do you mean?

[Joey Diaz]

Last week you had a faggy week. That's bullshit work. A surprise party for Mom. Come on, we gotta pick it up a little bit. You gotta tell me about some sex clubs. I gotta have sex clubs. I gotta have Eric come back here and take you to some sex club. That's what you need.

[Lee Syatt]

I don't want to go to the sex club, but I love seeing you need something.

[Joey Diaz]

You need something because you're too. You know.

[Lee Syatt]

Do you. There was one.

[Joey Diaz]

You live in the city, eat a bagel in New Hampshire. I've never seen anything like this. What? What? What?

[Lee Syatt]

There was a sex club that opened up in Connecticut right next to a church they just found.

[Joey Diaz]

Okay. Did you join?

[Lee Syatt]

No.

[Joey Diaz]

Then why are you bombing before? Did you bring me a coupon so you could call them up and harass them?

[Lee Syatt]

No, I think they're closing it because it's like, right next to a church.

[Joey Diaz]

Well, that's. I don't understand. They work from strength. Because if you want freaks, go to a church. That's all the freaky. All those people that pray to God, they. They're the ones that fucking fuck little hookers on Tuesday nights after bingo and all that. They go down there and fuck a black chick even though they tell their wife they're racist. You know? Right. That's what Christians and Catholics do. They're disgusting people. So a fucking hooker house next to a church would be the perfect fucking thing.

[Lee Syatt]

That's a hooker house. But yeah, that's.

[Joey Diaz]

But anyway, I'm thinking of taking this girl, like an Eddie Bravo Grounds.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

Like running an all assault phone video tap into a house. Make a little, like. Make those noises, you know, outside the window.

[Lee Syatt]

Isn't she gonna watch this?

[Joey Diaz]

Huh?

[Lee Syatt]

Isn't she gonna hear this?

[Joey Diaz]

What? She what?

[Lee Syatt]

Wouldn't she hear this?

[Joey Diaz]

No, she don't watch this. She's too stupid. She wouldn't even put this on, even though you know she's too stupid.

[Lee Syatt]

How long do you think this assault will take?

[Joey Diaz]

Right now it's May 6th. By the time I get the wheels going with some tortures. Because you can't just hit them with one torture. You gotta hit them with three in a row. Like something in the car. Like, they get like a beam of light in the car. And that's easy. That's easy. That's around the corner. I don't know where she Lives. That's the problem I have. That's the only thing. I gotta follow her home one night. My wife's car or something and fucking. Yeah.

[Lee Syatt]

It's so secretive. It's my wife's car.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. I just gotta. When somebody tells me that they're from another planet. Now we gotta work this. We gotta work this. We gotta put like a little, you know, like the hat Norton wore when he thought he was Captain Video. Like one of those hats. The Space Rangers. You know, the space hats that you put on. Right. We should put one on her car just to let her know we're coming for you or whatever. I gotta watch that movie with the Martians and the old people. What's that movie? When the Martians come to the old folks home and they got all that energy to fucking swim.

[Lee Syatt]

I don't know.

[Joey Diaz]

Come on. None of you motherfuckers ever saw that movie. One of the greatest movies of all time.

[Lee Syatt]

I know people that were in. I don't remember the name.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, they're old people and they're at an old folks home. And Martians came and put the eggs in their swimming pool. So if you swam in the fucking pool, you got the strength of the Martians. And These guys were 60, 70. Fucking break dancing. That's right. I did see it at your house. That's right. With what? Wilford Brimley and The guy from 48 Hours. The old guy from 48 Hours. He's a.

[Lee Syatt]

Is it Cocoon?

[Joey Diaz]

Cocoon. Cocoon is a badass fucking movie. So I could put something like that. I gotta watch Cocoon to see what the. How the Martians attack. Maybe War of the Worlds. But everybody thinks they come in satellites and shit. So I gotta work it differently. We gotta hit her from a different perspective.

[Lee Syatt]

Or you could just leave her alone and hope she goes and tells someone else about this stuff.

[Joey Diaz]

Nah, it's too much fun. We gotta push her over the hill one time. We got. We have a little. Just a little push over the hill to make her believe she's a Martian.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

That's what we need to do. I need to make her believe that she's really from another planet and then she'll fucking listen. I don't need to do anything. I could just move on. You're right, but come on. I haven't had that type of fun since Eddie Bravo at the CIA. You know what I'm saying? When I told Eddie about that Joe is in the CIA, that was my best work up to date. When I used to Call you and tell you not to pick up the phone because the cops were gonna call you. Don't say a word, hang up on you. Same thing. They're all done to. Like, I go to her house and steal one of her shoes. Like, right? You break in a house and steal all her shoes, but only the right one.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, my God, that's Oligo.

[Joey Diaz]

Leave a note. The Martians only dance on one foot. See, I'm thinking already. This is what I need. I need a little group here to help me. And we could fucking do this correctly. Push her over the top. She leaves the state and moves to New Mexico and waits for Martians.

[Lee Syatt]

Is that the goal? Like, the goal is to get her to leave?

[Joey Diaz]

I have no goals anymore. I'm an old man. I just want to giggle, smoke dope. And it's. It's fucking insane how Friday night, I didn't want to tell you guys. I was really upset. I told my wife when she got home Friday night, I told her that right to her face. I go, I did this, I did that. I went to the weed store, you know, I did a couple things. And she goes, why don't you? Because they went to see a play Friday night. And she goes, why don't you go out? You know, why don't you? And I'm like. I sat there all night thinking about what I was going to do. And then I said, you know what? I got Patreon. Like, Patreon money that I never spent. I go, maybe I'll cash it out and go to a strip club and just throw a bunch of singles up in the air, right? Like I even thought of that. And I'm like, nah. And I was thinking about all these, maybe I'll go up north. Maybe I just walk into a disco. I was thinking about going to that fight. Now I kick myself in the ass. You know what was at that fight at Times Square? Roberto Duran. We fucked up. Mike Tyson was there. Roberto Duran. I would have died just sitting. I would have, because there were VIP seats. I would have just sat next to Roberto Durant and picked his fucking mind all night. He loves talking Spanish, whatever he could remember of it, you know? Huh? Garcia lost. Yeah, I knew that. What do you think? It's fucking. That was Monday, cocksucker. You don't think even a bird by now came over and told me, hey, Garcia lost. But, you know, I just felt bad. I'm like. I could see, like, weekends I used to lose my mind, like when I robbed a lady downstairs or a lady upstairs. From me, it was a Sunday, because I get bored on the weekends. I don't listen, you know, I don't eat on a Wednesday. It don't bother me. I don't smoke pot on a Wednesday. It don't bother me. But on Friday, Saturday, Sunday, you gotta be doing something. You gotta smoke some dope and eat some food. And that's when I would just rob you. Like by Friday. I did my worst crimes on Friday, Saturdays and Sunday, because I just didn't even have the patience. Like, enough with this shit. I'm eating a steak, I'm getting a Chinese Szechuan beef. And all I wanted was Szechuan beef, pork fried rice and egg roll and a $20 bag of reefer. I don't ask for much. I could see if I was saying, well, I want to go to Club Venetian and walk in with a helicopter. No, I didn't want all that shit. I just wanted to. Shredded beef from that Chinese restaurant in Fort Lee, pork fried rice, an egg roll, a little wonton soup with some noodles. And I'd walk across the bridge. How's that for you? I'd walk across the bridge to save on bus money and burn the calories I ate from that fucking Chinese food. But after a while, and this Friday, it hit me when my wife came home. I was this close to crying and going, what type of man that 60? And I told her, I gotta go to that fucking Bourbon street and throw singles up in the air. That money's not going anywhere. It's just single money. I could just throw it up in the air, like 1800 bucks and just go, woo. And make believe I'm a big shot. I'm like, no, why would I want to do that? I mean, nothing seemed good.

[Lee Syatt]

There's nothing. Like, what about no trip you'd like to take?

[Joey Diaz]

No, what a trip on a Friday night at 8:00, at 7:30 at night. There's no fucking trips. I'm talking about immediate. What can I do to get my fucking whistle hot and to keep my pot of dry on a Friday night? There was really nothing. I mean, I'm not going to one of those Jersey restaurants with the chubby chick with smoke around her and she's doing some belly dance routine and they got the John Wick music when they shot the Italian chick. Oh, in the background. I don't want to see that shit. Like, what's her name? Lori. What's her. This chick from North Bergen that goes out every weekend with the hairpiece. She's Got the fucking hairpiece and the whole thing. Sure.

[Lee Syatt]

She's loving this conversation.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. They go to some club in, like, Teaneck, and there's always that chubby Arab dancing. I don't want to see no chick dancing with her stomach out when I'm trying to eat fucking food. And they got that creepy John Wick music in the back and all these New Jersey people that are fucking. Basically white trash. I was sitting there making believe, and there's a bunch of mokes walking around with giant shirts on a Friday night with hats, jet hats and tattoos. And I'm like, nobody's getting pussy in that place. Look at the shape of that fucking place. Ain't nobody getting a fucking piece of tart in there.

[Lee Syatt]

No.

[Joey Diaz]

So I was like, when Terry got home, she goes, you didn't do nothing. I go, I went out for a ride. I did this, you know, I just. I go, I couldn't get myself. There's some days, bro, I love to eat at a restaurant. You guys know me. I fucking love it. If I didn't have to eat at home, I'd be the happiest man in the world. But every time I go to a restaurant, it's drama. Now, except when we go to our little restaurants, but even tonight, these motherfuckers got chicken noodle soup. What am I? What am I, 80? I'm 62. Fucking give me some love in there. But every time, like, if you go to a good restaurant, it's, what water do you want? Do you want a cocktail? Just. Just give me the fucking food. Yeah, can I get a selfie? And you're like, you know what, man? I'm just trying to fucking eat my food, you know? So I don't even go out. Friday nights is a shitty night to go out anyway by me. All the restaurants are packed. There's a wait list. Where you going? You want to go fight people? It's not even worth it. The food comes late. They don't come at all, you know? Yeah. What happened to my fucking steak? You wanted a steak? No, I'm sitting here. Cause fucking, you know, Moses is making a comeback, you know? The fuck is wrong with people?

[Lee Syatt]

And it would be. It would be better to do it on a slower night. Because I went when it was busy and it was really loud, so it was, like, hard to hear people in Boston.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. You went on Friday night to a surprise party.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

With 80 people in the room that you don't know you fucked.

[Lee Syatt]

Anyway, I'm just saying it's hard to hear so we went on Friday night.

[Joey Diaz]

Sure. I can't hear anything as it is.

[Lee Syatt]

Right.

[Joey Diaz]

If you have a conversation, somebody. I can't hear you. I'm lost. So never mind. Music and John Wick music. Oh, oh, whatever that shit they listen to. And I'm supposed to be impressed. Oh, I love this. You're from fucking Carney. Okay, Knock it off. You're from Kearney. You've been sucking dick since you were 8, and now you want to tell me about fucking? Yeah. The fuck is wrong with people of.

[Lee Syatt]

I have no idea.

[Joey Diaz]

You don't need to have an idea, my brother. It's another week. What do you got for comedy this week?

[Lee Syatt]

This week I have a couple of shows. I have a show actually at a temple on the Lower east side on Thursday.

[Joey Diaz]

Okay. Bomb alert. Bomb alert. There's going to be three cops out there and.

[Lee Syatt]

And then on the ninth, I'm going to be at Morristown of the Colonial comedy show.

[Joey Diaz]

What is that? That's not the dojo?

[Lee Syatt]

No, it's next to the dojo or it's near to the dojo. It's. It's cool. I. I got it. I got offended by. By Vic. He. It's cool.

[Joey Diaz]

You're burning bridges. I'm not making me nervous already.

[Lee Syatt]

I'll call. I'll give him a call.

[Joey Diaz]

Anyway, that's. That's what you're gonna hear outside your little Jew show Thursday night. Ali Agba and a spitball.

[Lee Syatt]

But yeah, and then I will be with Josh Wolf in Virginia at the end of the month.

[Joey Diaz]

That's the end of the month. Why are you confusing people?

[Lee Syatt]

Because you brought it up earlier.

[Joey Diaz]

Huh?

[Lee Syatt]

Because you brought it up earlier.

[Joey Diaz]

May 17th is done, dog. We got next Wednesday. Thursday we're at the Dojo. Little preemptive show this Thursday. I'm gonna stop by Alfred Robles on Thursday night. George will be gone. I'll be at the stress factory, maybe Thursday night to see my brother Al. Wednesday, maybe the dojo. You know, I gotta get my shit together. You know what I'm saying? I'm slipping. I'm fucking slipping. Last week it was just the stitches got loose. I started my court case last week on fucking Zoom. Listen, I don't know if you've ever been to court, but when you go to court on Zoom, that's a complete different fucking side. I don't know who I'm looking at. And the judge looked like me, but she was a woman with glasses on. And when she popped up on the screen, I'm looking at my Wife going, these motherfuckers. That's a meme. That's a meimei with me with glasses on. And the judge is like, hi, good afternoon. Thank God. She didn't hear me. Thank God.

[Lee Syatt]

Well, what happened?

[Joey Diaz]

Cause I'm like. She didn't move. She just came on the screen and was looking at him like, that motherfucker put up a meme of me with glasses and a blonde wig on. She had a bunch of wrinkly face like mine. I'm like, what's going on with this fucking woman? Next thing you know, she goes, hi, I'm. She wasn't really a judge. She was a mediator. So in la, you have to have a mediation first, A court order. Mediation, okay? And then it goes to trial June 30th.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, shit.

[Joey Diaz]

I started trial June fucking 30th on Zoom. Every day after 5:00. Because 5:00 is 2:00 back then. So June 30th at 2:00 we're in court. And it's not. It's not criminal charges, right? It's a civil suit against a weed company, right? Like four of them for using my likeness. This motherfucker went off, Jack. He went off.

[Lee Syatt]

I don't know. I don't know what I can ask.

[Joey Diaz]

So ask what you look. I don't know what's the matter? God damn it. I'm about to drop you up.

[Lee Syatt]

You're going to. You have to, like, sit in and you don't watch a trial go on.

[Joey Diaz]

It's not. It's. I think. I don't. I don't know if they're doing jewelry. It's just a judge. And now we gotta settle on how much money I get. That's it. Cool. Hmm.

[Lee Syatt]

That's cool.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. I'm not gonna get rich. It's not like I'm gonna see a millionaire. But at least I make this guy fucking pay, you know? That was the most important thing. He gave me his word, the whole thing. Thank God I got an attorney. And he put it on contract. And then the guy tried to player Louis Lamour. And my attorney was like, nope, not this time, motherfucker. And it's heavy duty. Like he's got nowhere to go, because if he doesn't pay it, they take his license. And even if he doesn't pay it, then they go into the weed store and we sell weed and make a profit until we get our money, or 100k, whatever the fuck it is. And then there's the taxes and attorney Fees on. Like I said, I'm just. This is why when people say to me, do you want to get into a weed business? I tell everybody, no. I tell everybody, no, it's not. I don't have the time. If I had the time and if I knew what I was doing, like I had a scientist next to me that was growing the weed and we just combined forces, I would be interested. But I'm not people. First of all, I hate when people ask me to go into business with them and they show up with like 25% weed. Obviously, you didn't listen, so you failed. You failed already, right? I've been around 12 years, preaching the same shit, smoking the same amount of weed. Anybody except that idiot in Jersey City that gave us that fucking. That fertilizer. 20 bags of 23%. You know? Unless you didn't know, you didn't know. So I don't even want to do business with you because you didn't even take the time to study that. My tolerance is off the chain. And you're showing up with that bad breath weed, 23% that don't do nothing to fucking nobody. I gotta give it away, right? And they're all suddenly saying, well, this stuff's gonna kill you. Listen, this stuff ain't gonna do a fucking thing to me. I'm up there. My tolerance is up there. You know, I was telling the chick at the wheat store when they gave me that rso, first thing I put it on was the edibles that George gives me. The 2500 milligram chocolate bar. They wanted me to put on a five milligram. I'm like, a five milligram doesn't even go in my mouth. Just out of principle, because I failed myself. So I would break them, and each piece would be 12.50. And I'd put that thing on it, and then I'd make a small scrunch, I put another piece on it and a. Fuck. Another layer. And I ate it one afternoon. Oh, my God. Was it a fucking mistake? It was a mistake and a half. But, hey, I'm a big boy now.

[Lee Syatt]

How's it a mistake? You purposely made this sandwich. That's so.

[Joey Diaz]

Dude, let me ask you a question.

[Lee Syatt]

What?

[Joey Diaz]

When you went to McDonald's and got the fish sandwich and you looked at it and said, first of all, okay, whatever. It's the same thing. I choose to edible myself to death and didn't think about it. You looked at a Whopper and said, okay, this is my third Whopper. This ain't gonna do nothing to me. This is ain't dude.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, but I've never heard of an RSO sandwich that's like, what, 8,000 milligrams?

[Joey Diaz]

Whatever it is, it is. C'est la vie. Life is, you know, you can't walk on one leg. Pretty soon we're gonna be deadly. Did you ever think about that? Like, I'm fucking pissed off. I'm 62 and I got a bunch of life left to me, so I have a bunch of life. Seriously, like, I have a bunch of life left. I feel like having a party and hiring like 10 hookers and stabbing eight of them and pulling their hairs and fucking and sucking and, you know, But I can't. I'm a fucking old man. I can't. I have a hard on for eight minutes and then it disappears for two hours. The chicks are sitting around biting their nails on my fucking money. You know what I'm saying? I got a lot of fucking things going on and I feel good about it. I never thought that I would have this, like, that I'm lying. Tfonteo, I have a lot of things. I have nothing going on. I have a podcast. I do a couple comedy shows. But I have a lot of things going on in the house. And I really like that. This is a whole new set of life for me. I always ask myself, what would I rather be doing? That's my game I play in my head. What would I. Would I be sitting here or would I rather be somewhere blowing bottle rockets out of my asshole? That's the game. What's worth it to me? I'm really happy at my house. I can't believe I tell you. These guys. I remember when I would have friends and I would ask them, why you leave the house, bro? It gets bored in my house. You got everything in your house. You got a pool table, you got a TV, you got a VCR. You know, this is back in like 2000, the 90s. It used to drive me crazy when people went out and I used to always say, I can't wait to have a house. You'll never see my Cuban ass. And that's exactly what's happened.

[Lee Syatt]

Why would we want to leave your house? It's everything you like, no matter what it is, is there.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm a lazy fuck in the sense that I could come up here and train jiu jitsu. I won't. It's two hours out of my life I don't have anymore. I don't have. And it's not like the Old North Bergen. I come up at one and there's 18 people on the street having sandwiches somewhere. It's not like that no more. But at the same time, I like everything about my house. Dude, I'm lazy.

[Lee Syatt]

That's awesome.

[Joey Diaz]

I want everything to be 10 minutes from my house, 15 minutes.

[Lee Syatt]

But you're not. Like, that's where we were talking about the delivery. Like, you don't do that. Like, that's one level, you know? Because there's people who don't leave the house at all.

[Joey Diaz]

No, listen, that's stupidity, okay? That is stupidity. I'm talking about getting up at 7, reading, drinking coffee, writing a little bit. You have to go to work. Whatever. You have to leave the fucking house, okay? Those are losers. Those people are fucking losers, okay? You gotta wash your pussy every morning. Because those are the people that complain the most about life. And I'll tell you, you get in the fucking shower, you know, I look at the contrast. I look at the difference. I think about 94, when I would wake up with not a dime in my pocket. Not a dime. Hungry, puking from the night before. Did everything I did in coke. Sold every CD I got. So before I get started, I gotta walk to the Hill and steal a Bruce Springsteen album and walk into the store and sell it to get 12 bucks so I could eat breakfast. Now it's a different scenario. Now I wake up and, okay, whatever. But every morning, the first sign of depression starts when you don't shower. That's number one. Get up, don't shower. Walk around with a robe all day. Do that. Three days, I shoot heroin. Three days, you're hooked. So first thing I do after I drink that coffee is I wash my pussy. You open up that curtain and go, God, thank you for giving me a fucking. Another day. I'm gonna be better than I was yesterday. I'm gonna be stoner than I was yesterday, in my case. If you thought I was high yesterday, God, wait till you see me today. This Forest Whitaker eye is gonna be all the way down by 6:30.

[Lee Syatt]

I don't give.

[Joey Diaz]

I give zero fucks, Jack. But it's crazy. Like, then you do what you gotta do for me. Listen, I always have a good day if I go to the gym and if I have good numbers at the gym, my dick gets hard.

[Lee Syatt]

Good numbers in terms of what? Like, what your workout was.

[Joey Diaz]

Like, I went to boxing today and my fucking. My thing was 14.5. It's never been 14.5 in the year I've been there.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, you're on your whoop or something?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, my whoop. It's just the strain went off the. Just because I'm doing. I see the exercises now that get my heart going. So what I did was I wanted to get my heart at 175 and stay there.

[Lee Syatt]

Why is that?

[Joey Diaz]

Because that's what doubles. I should be at 150, but I want to improve my cardiac intake. So I go to 175 and keep it over 20 minutes. It's like a long pace, you know? So that's what I did. That's my best day. I stop, I get a fucking freshly made juice. I go home, I take the garbage out. I do whatever errands my wife needs me to do. Sometimes I gotta go food shopping. Sometimes I gotta go to fucking CVS and get 18. You know, I gotta do shit at the house, too. That's not bad. I mean, after like 3:00, if I go home and I'm like, mercy's home, my wife is home, I'm home, the cat's home, and I got two bags of weed. Where we going? Just chicken and the biscuit upstairs. I got those cookies last week, old school. Chicken and biscuit. And you put that cancer cheese on it. I should be getting a lump on my neck any fucking day now. Tremendous. It was so fucking good, George, you know, and that. That. Listen, you have a home, have a computer there. I have three, four. Four TVs. Five. You can watch TV any way you want. Old TV's new. I got the TV I bought with Terry in 2001 in my bedroom. Fuck yeah, bro. That's the first TV we brought together. The fuck you. Don't throw that shit out. That's the first thing we ever bought together. Took a year. They got a new TV. 250. I went to one of those gigs up north. On the way back, I stopped at one of those outlets. The TV weighs 800 pounds. Eight people need to carry this fucking thing. But, dog, it still works. That motherfucker still works. And it still looks good. Yeah, you just can't get the other thing on it.

[Lee Syatt]

Sound.

[Joey Diaz]

No, I got sound. You, Momo, the other thing. You know what? Yeah, I can't get that. What is it called? Roku. Okay, I can't get Roku on it, but I have Netflix on it and I got HBO on it. Yeah, Netflix is on the remote, so. But I find comfort. I got a punching bag in my garage, kettlebells. I got a fucking thing that you connect music now and it's louder Than fuck. So I go in the garage at night, I hit the bag. Fucking Bob Lalingas just sent me a great book about Rodney Dangerfield. I went for like the second chapter. I gotta call him tomorrow and thank him. I'm getting back into reading, so it's different. I don't want to be around a lot of people. You know, I still haven't been to New York to do comedy. It's been five fucking years.

[Lee Syatt]

Why not?

[Joey Diaz]

It's just that that thing going over the bridge just scares me anymore. The tunnel. I don't know. I don't know. Maybe someday I'll break the fucking. We could probably make it over there tonight and do Aaron's show. But you're in no shape.

[Lee Syatt]

No, I wonder why.

[Joey Diaz]

Look at the shape of you, cocksucker. But like I said, I got nothing this week. I got. They're all guest spots. If I do anything. I've been writing. I'm really excited about the 27th. I'm really sad about Philly on the 17th. Then July, we'll figure out what the fuck they got. I'm trying to get a little bar by my house. Something close to my house, you know.

[Lee Syatt]

Has to be something.

[Joey Diaz]

It has to be like 20 minutes from my house. The most I could go to once a week. Bring a comedian down, pay him and do 30 minutes.

[Lee Syatt]

You know what would be cool? Like if there's a coffee shop or something that's closed, usually at night.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, but I want people to drink. I don't want people to drink coffee. What is this? What is this? I want people to feel loose. I want people to be able to get an appetizer if they want. It doesn't. I don't want this bar that's huge with like a hole in the wall so people could hear the. No, like a side room in the back. Like what you're telling me at your buddy's Cafe Tivoli. I'm just not making the hour drive. I'm not making the hour drive. That's not making gonna happen. Right? So, yeah, I'm on dog. At least I'm honest. At least I'm fucking honest. I'm not. It's not. That's why if I'm gonna make the hour drive, might as well go to a comedy club. You see what I'm saying, right? So it's 10 minutes by my house. Somebody, like the brass rail has an upstairs. But then people got to go down those stairs and fall. And that's what scares me. We have to throw somebody out and they fall or my fat ass falls, you know? So this is why I don't want. I want something that has a back room, 85 people. It's nice. Give me a waiter or waitress, give them a limited appetizer, let's do it right sound. And we could start building something little by little. But I don't want to do 800 seats. No, no, no. I don't want none of that shit. Just like what Willie Bar center had in Los Feliz. It was upstairs of a Mexican restaurant. And Every Monday had 20 people there that would go off and eat, drink margaritas and tacos. And we did it every Monday. I would go up there and do it. 10 o'clock show. That's what I'm looking for. So if I could get my hand on something like that, I would be really. That would take a big chunk of my responsibilities out. But I had a definite place to perform once a week. The hour, the 25 minutes. That shit ain't gonna work. I want something in my neighborhood, you know what I'm saying? So. But that's it. And that's that. It's been another interesting episode. The New Testament. I don't know what happened to Lee today. You know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syatt]

You know what happened?

[Joey Diaz]

All I saw was crazy.

[Lee Syatt]

What happened?

[Joey Diaz]

All I saw was. I have no idea.

[Lee Syatt]

You came in here. Here's two of these to what, the 200 ABX?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, because I told you I was going. We were gonna shock the system.

[Lee Syatt]

Why?

[Joey Diaz]

Because you've been fucking around, going to surprise parties for 70 year olds and shit and eating with Jews that don't know nothing. On a Saturday night you would.

[Lee Syatt]

I had a party for my mom.

[Joey Diaz]

And bagels and shit. God damn it. From New Hampshire. This is. This is. You know, it's just bad. It's just very bad. So we had a shock your system tonight. Hopefully when you get home tonight, you go down the stairs and get a nice decent, real bagel to get you back on track. And that's it. I don't know what to tell you motherfuckers anymore. We will have 10 guests next week and we'll be back. Lee gave you his D. What do you mean the evil eye for? You look like Netanyahu after the attack yesterday. Yeah, Netanyahu's going off again.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, he is?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, that's it. They did something yesterday by the airport. So, you know, he's giving them a thousand. The hoochies, the moochies or something. Those motherfuckers. Until I Bump into one of you hoochie motherfuckers, you know what I'm saying? Shooting down chips and shit. They're the same people that killed Tom Hanks in that movie, right? The. The one about the fucking. They stole the boat. The African with no teeth. Anyway, who gives a fuck? The New Testament will be back next week. We love you. Stay black. Hey, Uncle Joey, here. Listen, every once in a while you need a little boost in the bedroom. Like Media Night. It was like 15 seconds and I blew a casket, you know? I'm saying. Blue Chew is the OG brand offering chewable tablets for better sex. And it's now better than ever, trust me when I'm telling you. Introducing Blue Chew Max, which combines the active ingredients of Viagra Cialis into one powerful, chewable ba. Bam. Listen, you take one of these things, you put it in your wallet. You bump into a pigeon on the pond, and there you have it. You pop one of these pills. She asks you what it is. You tell her it's a breath mint. And then you go fucking bananas. Great sex is just a few clicks away. Sign up on their website. Answer a few questions. It's very easy, all right? And if you approve, you'll get your prescription in just days. The mailman delivers it. Nobody knows nothing. Not even your mother. Maybe you live with your grandmother in the basement because you're a mooc, but you're a MOOC who slings dick. You know what I'm saying? Make life easier by getting harder. And discover your [e-mail] and we got a special deal for the church family on a Tuesday morning. You ready for this? Try your first month of Bluechew for free when you press in. Promo code. Joey. Joey. J O E Y. Ladies, if you're listening to this, go ahead. What are you going to get to put five of those in your little purse. You go down the shore, you jump up and down with your men. They're a little lame. They're drinking cocktails. You blast them with some coffee and you hit them with a bluechew. Forget about it. Twelve minutes later, you're in the bedroom getting your hair pulled. You follow me. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. And I want to thank BlueChew for sponsoring the show. I want to thank you guys. Also.