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- [00:03]
A
Kick this mule. What's happening? Beautiful people. It's Tuesday the 10th of February, the Church of what's Happening now new edition is here and ready to rock. I got my Jewish sidekick Cato, and we're ready for another fun filled episode of the Church of what's Happening Now? What up, Mooc?
- [00:25]
B
I'm doing good, dude. It was a fun weekend.
- [00:27]
A
Oh, bro, you know how we do it. I try to tell. Listen, I had to change everything around to put a. What's that? Turn a frown around.
- [00:35]
B
Turn that frown upside down.
- [00:36]
A
Turn that frown upside down. Oh, yeah, that's it. We ain't got no time to bleed no more. We're on a different fucking level. I'm an old man. I'm 10 days away from being 63 years old. I ain't got time to bleed. Wow. So if you think I'm gonna wake up and walk around Super Bowl Sunday with bandanas at the airport like a fucking idiot at five in the morning and risk it, we don't play that. We call Titan Aviation. We cut a fucking nice deal with them. Joe takes care of us like a fucking doctor. And we go. I mean, we were gone 12 hours.
- [01:09]
B
That was crazy to be. To be leaving. Leaving your house, go to Atlanta, do a show and come right. And come back. I didn't. It was the first. Only time I've ever gone on a flight. I didn't bring no. I didn't bring any.
- [01:25]
A
Nothing. He was like Oscar Madison. He brought a pair of socks and a toothbrush.
- [01:29]
B
Not even that I brought. I brought a pair of headphones and a lint roller.
- [01:33]
A
He brought a lint roll and a shirt. This. Oh, yeah, a lint roller.
- [01:39]
B
Because I don't know how. What you guys do at your house? We have one cat and I. I have to have a lint roller with me. I don't know where this fur comes from, but. But it was. Dude, that was allowed. And then it showed me because, like, I go to. I do a lot of, like, clubs. I'm very happy to do them. But, like, if the person who's bringing me doesn't get me a hotel, I'm lucky to get like a hundred bucks towards the hotel. Staying. I say, in Reno, I stayed at the club owner's apartment when he was there.
- [02:13]
A
That guy's a mook.
- [02:14]
B
Anyway, I stand on people's couches. And then this guy.
- [02:18]
A
We're.
- [02:19]
B
We're literally in Atlanta for six. I thought we were gonna like, go see a movie. Go. Go have some dinner, something they got. And it wasn't even just like a Holiday Inn.
- [02:30]
A
They got us like Saint Regis.
- [02:32]
B
It was the night. One of the nicest hotels.
- [02:34]
A
We walked in, there was a chick playing the harp. Yeah. And we got a little nervous. He was looking around and I go, lee, she's playing the harp. But Lee was nervous because they heard the heart before they went into the holocaust. That's the last thing they heard. Come to a party at the same Regis. Three Jewish chicks playing a mandal. All a sudden, they're putting you in an oven. What a nightmare.
- [02:56]
B
That's what it felt like.
- [02:57]
A
Nightmare.
- [02:58]
B
Oh, my God. And they were so nice. But I haven't seen. I don't think I've ever seen anyone play a harp. I thought it was like, maybe like they had, like. You know how they have the piano with the machine that will play the piano for you? I thought it was just like a. Maybe a harp with that attached to it. That was someone's whole job for like eight hours a day, she just plays the harp in the hotel. Everyone was wearing Cheetos. Oh, yeah.
- [03:17]
A
She was union. She was getting big money.
- [03:19]
B
She has a 401k as a hard player.
- [03:22]
A
Yeah.
- [03:22]
B
And then.
- [03:23]
A
Oh, I only see a hard player in my dreams. When he comes down, he plays the harp. Joey.
- [03:28]
B
But we're skipping ahead and I have to apologize. I feel bad. I had a problem my whole life. When I get nervous, I giggle and. And I. If I try to hold it in, it only gets worse.
- [03:39]
A
We were.
- [03:40]
B
Everything was fine. We were doing okay. And on the way into Atlanta, like, they started to land and then just didn't. Just went like. We didn't even. I think we touched for a second and then we went right back up. And you were cool. You were cool. And then you got gray, like, give me the. I thought you wanted another piece of a sandwich.
- [04:00]
A
No, I didn't know barf. I'm like, give me the sandwich. Give me the bag. And he gets me with the sandwich. I go, lee, I got a barf. He goes, oh. And he's like, putting shit around. He gives me the fucking bag. It's half broken. Like, listen, man, I have. You know, I could take so much before I fucking want to faint. And my faints aren't like anybody else's faints. I get hot first. Then I start sweating. And I warn you one time, I'm going down. No, no, no, I'm going down. I'll warn you. I don't. I don't surprise people. Listen, I'm gonna go down. You'll see it when you see me saying it to you. You're going down. You'll go. He has no color in his face. You were pale. Fucking. When I got to the. When we landed and I went to the bathroom to wash my hand and to get the puke off my neck, fucking. I looked in the mirror, I looked like a ghost. It was just eyes and white hair. I was like, oh, my God.
- [04:56]
B
And meanwhile, as we were leaving the house, your wife looked at me and said, keep him safe. I'm like, what's gonna happen? And as literally as soon as we. I thought you were gonna have to cancel the show.
- [05:05]
A
Let me tell you what happened. I'm gonna tell you what happened. We had this discussion here about chicken cutlets about three months ago that. When you go to a deli now and you get chicken cutlets. That freezer burn I had. Look, I came from a Cuban house. Everything has freezer burn. I'm talking about the lid on the soda. As you're drinking it, you could smell the garlic and the shit from this Cuban steak. Oh, yeah. It's not happening.
- [05:31]
B
And that bugs you.
- [05:32]
A
It's not happening. I don't like fucking freezer burn. People don't put the ice cream back on and that thing comes on the top. I throw it away. Next time, my daughter. Where's the ice cream? Threw it away. You didn't put the fucking lid on it. It gets all shitty with ice cube and it tastes like fucking, you know, like a banana. Like, my wife had bananas in the refrigerator to make banana bread, right? So now everything smells like a fucking banana. Throw those fucking bananas out. All right? Get those fucking old bananas out of my house. I ate fucking old bananas.
- [05:59]
B
That's how I make you. That's how you make bananas.
- [06:00]
A
I don't give a fuck. Or pie them in the cellar and bust them out when it's time. I don't want those. They smell weird. It's just once a banana passes that. That three days, that mushy, that blackness. I can't even eat them. Like, I open up in the banana, I see a black spot. I gotta break the banana around some bananas.
- [06:17]
B
Oh, yeah.
- [06:18]
A
I just eat like three ounces of it. I throw it away once. The black spot. I don't touch it under that. No, I just don't. I don't like it.
- [06:25]
B
Do you gag? I used to gag when I.
- [06:27]
A
All that shit makes me gag. So I'm eating the sandwich because we got so fucking stoned. I bought an eighth of this. 46% Sativa which really knocks you out of your fucking belt.
- [06:38]
B
It was 46%.
- [06:39]
A
Fuck yeah. It was gunpowder. It was mixed with this and that fucking black toenails and had everything in it. And let me tell you something. You should have seen his face when we left. Both of us. I was high. As I got down there, all I could think about was that chicken colored sandwich. And I mean, Titan Aviation does a great job. And it's not their fault they got the sandwiches, it's just that freezer. So when I go, lee, give me that bag. He gave me the bag, he just took the sandwich out. I could smell the freezer burn in the bag. And now I'm puking it and my vomit smells like freezer burn. And I'm getting hotter and hotter. And I got a jacket, a fucking sweatshirt, a fucking draftkings heavy duty, you know, protection. Like it was three degrees out. It was three fucking degrees out, bro. The walk from the thing to the airplane, Most people, they just said, it's over, give me the money. No, I'm not doing this. We got out of that fucking plan. It was brutal. We walked 10ft. You get in the car, you touch your pants and your hands, the icicles.
- [07:43]
B
Oh, it was terrible.
- [07:43]
A
It was brutal. But the puke was great. And I'm puking, this motherfucker's giggling like a giggling. And finally I stopped. And then I go on and the plan, Everybody wants to talk to me up close. I mean, everybody would vomit breath. I was, I was the flight. I was. You see, I'm turning green around the gills.
- [08:04]
B
I would have loved to have seen what the pilots. Because you told them you got sick. I don't think they knew because. Oh, because I've had that happen before. I had an ex who got like motion sickness. And we were on a plane once and they had a puke bag. But what they don't tell you about a puke bag is it's paper that has like a little plastic inside and it starts, it leaks. So it started to leak on me. So you were puking and it, it was making every noise that you like would think a puke would make. And I was trying to hold it my whole life.
- [08:34]
A
Hear me? Oh God. But it hold them all.
- [08:37]
B
And it was. I was just sitting there and I. What I know what I've taught myself to do is I try to release pressure. Like I'm like I. I try to blow it out. Cuz like no one wants to get laughed at. But once my mom was choking on Thai food, I was Laughing in her face. That was great.
- [08:52]
A
But I wasn't mad at you.
- [08:53]
B
Oh, no, no, you weren't mad, but I felt bad. But holy shit to puke. Because those. Those planes and it's great. This is not a complaint at all. Flying privates, like one of the coolest things I've ever done. But it's a small plane and that. The wind, it just throws it around a little turbulence.
- [09:13]
A
Was on fire on the way down. I kept it together for an hour and a half. Oh. Because once we. I lost it when the plane touched and it went like. Fucking dog. There were times I was looking at the phone and the plane would drop and the phone would just stay in the air. You could take it out of the air and go, oh. It was like astronaut shit, you know, So I already ate the chicken. Fucking parm. Not. That plane is going up and down and up and down. I'm like, nah, this is like a fucking. This is like one of those rides that you go down. Great adventure, whatever. It was brutal.
- [09:49]
B
And not to skip to the end, but on the way back we took edibles. I thought we were gonna take it easy.
- [09:54]
A
We.
- [09:54]
B
On the way back after you just puked six hours ago.
- [09:58]
A
Yeah, but I wasn't feeling well until I got to the hotel and then I dropped an eight dollar Coke. All right. When you drink an eight dollar in a bottle, those eight ounce Mexican ones with cocaine still in them, bro. I looked at Lee, I go, lee, I gotta take a nap. The Coca Cola rattled my stomach. I closed my eyes for about 45 minutes. I got up, took a shower. We walked right downstairs. The car was waiting for us. Tell him about the car.
- [10:22]
B
Oh, the car was great.
- [10:23]
A
It was 20, 26 Mercedes with a fucking. A roof. The fucking. The doorknobs look like phones.
- [10:30]
B
Yeah, phones you can control.
- [10:32]
A
You can control it with a fucking. No, no, no. This car. Yeah. This black dude was. We would torch him on the way back, talking about eating asshole and sniffing it.
- [10:40]
B
And he loved it.
- [10:41]
A
He loved the dude.
- [10:43]
B
And we had a good time at the show, but it was like. It was like a corporate event. So we like. They were like, you know, a little bit well to do. And I tried to hold it in a little bit. You pretty much did your normal set, but. Which was great. We'll talk about that. But this black guy, it was honestly like the most fun show we had that we kind of just did a late show for him, for him for like 45 minutes. You were talking about. About. God, what were you saying about smelling Their asshole. And this guy was just going. He sounded like Ric Flair. He was. He was just driving the whole time. He was going to take us to the strip club Magic City. And I literally. It was my first time in Atlanta. I was like, so what do we. What are you. I was trying to make small. I was trying to. I was doing George because George wasn't there. I was trying to. Some small talk. Well, what are you going to have Friday? He's like, what do you do in Atlanta? He said, magic City.
- [11:38]
A
That's his first name. No basketball game, no museum. Magic City, Doug. We'll take you down to Magic City. And I'll tell you what, if I would have known. I don't mind sleeping over. I just want to get the out of there, right? But if I knew Magic City was two blocks away, I would have made a withdrawal, dog. I went to the ATM before I left. My hand froze. You know when you open the window and have to put the card in and beep. I was just adding. And I was talking to somebody and I put my code in. All of a sudden you have to put like, what do you want, 20s or 50s? I hit it again. I'm talking. All of a sudden I'm like, hold on one second. Jesus. My fucking hand, yeah. Was frozen. I couldn't even take money out. Fucking frozen. The wind caught it.
- [12:24]
B
It's been bad. It's been like. I don't think it's been above freezing since I got stuck in Chicago.
- [12:29]
A
There's still a full of that still. I just backed into a wall. A great wall of fucking snow out there. Oh, my. But it was. Listen, I've never done a corporate.
- [12:38]
B
Really? It was your first one?
- [12:39]
A
It was my first one. 35 years of comedy never did a fucking corporate. And this is my first one. So I didn't know what to expect, but from talking to other people, I know what to expect. They're a corporation. Whatever they widgets, attorneys, whatever they represent, whatever they do, they're a corporation. Everybody in that thing is probably college educated. But nobody went to college for entertainment.
- [13:06]
B
No.
- [13:06]
A
So they don't know. Guys, when you get a corporate. When you get a private. Any of those things, you go in there with a high positivity. But you know this. And I told Lee before he walked in, as soon as you walked in with the lady, tell you, I'm not going up. No, we ain't got no microphone.
- [13:23]
B
Oh, yeah. Now all that. But I was used to that. But yeah, it was even weirder because they had. They had no mic. They didn't know that I. You didn't tell me what was happening before, but they had no idea that I was just there. I didn't even. I. I honestly didn't think I was going up. I. I thought at some. Because they came in, they. And they wanted to introduce you. I was like, you know what? It's that guy's birthday. It was a fun day. And then you just told them that I was going to do 10. And they kind of panicked because they. They had no mic. They clipped a mic to you. You like. Like a lav. Like when you clipped on your shirt. They had, like. This was a big company, so they had this, like, plush toy that they just shoved a microphone inside that they could, like, throw around the room.
- [14:03]
A
He's up there with. He looked like one of the three wise men bringing a gift.
- [14:07]
B
That's true.
- [14:07]
A
He had a box the whole time, talking into it.
- [14:10]
B
And I don't think it was on, to be honest.
- [14:12]
A
I go, lee, man, these corporates. And I'm up there 10 minutes, and all of a sudden I see waiters coming in with fucking tomahawk steaks. I'm like, I'm dead.
- [14:21]
B
Oh, dude, they were shaving truffles. This is how big of a deal this was. First they gave us lobster tails, which I don't even. The food was so good that I don't even like lobster, but it was. It was that good that I ate it.
- [14:32]
A
You know, the lobster claw. They gave it to us unscathed. Like, it was just one chunk of 3 ounces of lobster meat marinated in something. This motherfucker goes, you. I don't eat lobster. You can take my lobster. I go, lee, taste it. He goes, you can't have my lobster. That's how fucking good it was. They gave you a big piece of carrot, these potatoes.
- [14:53]
B
Oh, that.
- [14:54]
A
Yeah. What's those things you get with the chocolate with the green, the red?
- [14:58]
B
You know, the Italian.
- [14:59]
A
The Italian cookies. You. That was potato. The outside was cooked, and then they had little slabs that were cooked in the middle. The middle was mashed potatoes. Like, dude.
- [15:09]
B
And it was this guy's 40th birthday party.
- [15:12]
A
They.
- [15:13]
B
They had. When I was on stage, they had, like. It looked like just regular pasta with, like, a white cream sauce or whatever. But they eat, like, they had, like, 17 waiters, each with a truffle, shaving it into the people. I wanted to. I wanted to just sit down and eat the pasta. It was. And they were. They had a good time.
- [15:31]
A
They're Very nice.
- [15:32]
B
They had a really good.
- [15:33]
A
Very nice. And we got an education. You got to see what a corporate works.
- [15:36]
B
Like, how cool is it? Like, it was like he found you through your book. Yeah, that's like.
- [15:41]
A
Yeah, he read the book. He liked it. And then when we were there, we were talking to a lot of people. Like, a dude was there that lived in Boulder and he said that his company was number two to Norton Frickie and Associates. Like, it was an attorney based. People do advertising for attorneys. How much? The guy says he spends a year.
- [16:01]
B
Million a year.
- [16:02]
A
He said 50 million a year on advertising.
- [16:05]
B
Meanwhile, we're eating like chocolate cake and drinking Coke Zero. And this guy.
- [16:10]
A
They brought three desserts for Lee. Oh, yeah. All right. They brought a chocolate cake. This chocolate thing keep. Lisa, you gotta taste that. It looked beautiful. I just didn't want to eat no sugar that night. I just wasn't the mood.
- [16:22]
B
I didn't feel that way, dude. On the plane home. Well, yeah, you gave me. And then we got to the hotel and you gave me edibles. And Titan has really good. Because if you fly normal there, you're lucky to get like a snack, a little thing. Titan had an entire basket full of snacks.
- [16:38]
A
And he told me, he goes, I could eat this whole thing. I must ate like six Slim Jims. I took a fart. The next day a stick came out of my ass.
- [16:48]
B
Oh, I did go after every Slim Jim. Oh, my God.
- [16:52]
A
I ate every. That was like 10. I ate like six of them. They had chips, they had Pringles. They just, you know, listen, man, you can't do this all the time. I was telling Lee that the last five years of la, I was going on the road, I was having a good time, but not really. When I say a good time, I was making some money. But a good time, no, because I'm too hard at it. I'm too much of a fucking businessman on the road. I appreciate that these people coming to my show. So I gotta be tip top Magoo if you want me to walk around your city and eat in the afternoon. Elijah, I'm not gonna give you a great show. So for me, it's just the focus of it. But I decided for me to do this the next two years, I gotta do this my way with fun. You know what I'm saying? I gotta have some fun and I gotta have some adventures. And I don't want to lurk unless there's three chicks giving out pieces of ass, I ain't lurking. I don't want to lurk I don't want to lurk. There's nothing I want to do. I would have gone to Magic City to see the chicks. I saw the documentary on it on Showtime. I saw the six part documentary.
- [17:59]
B
The six part documentary on the strip club.
- [18:02]
A
Oh, shit.
- [18:02]
B
I need to get Showtime.
- [18:03]
A
Either four or six. But, you know, I enjoy that shit. Like, but I'm not gonna enjoy. We gotta go to Florida. I talk to my friend. I'm like, I don't even know how we're gonna do this. We're probably gonna leave Wednesday night, do the show Thursday. I don't have to tell you what time we're leaving.
- [18:20]
B
We're going right five minutes after you say thank you guys for coming.
- [18:23]
A
Yeah, right. Right from the plane. Why? It's Friday morning. Why? I don't want to land here Friday morning. I want to wake up in my bed Friday, tackle the day.
- [18:31]
B
Oh, yeah.
- [18:32]
A
You know when I feel bad, my friends come in, our daughter, and I'm like. They're like, well, what we do after the show? I got to talk to my advisors because we're all going to have a vote. Do we stay till Friday morning?
- [18:44]
B
Who are you advisors? Me, You. And I feel. I feel like you're your own advisors.
- [18:49]
A
That's it. I run it by you guys. I got to come back. I can't go Wednesday night. Fuck you. You're out. Because I don't want to go Thursday and come back Thursday.
- [18:56]
B
No, that's.
- [18:57]
A
Let's wake up in Fort Loud in Tampa.
- [18:59]
B
That would be nice.
- [18:59]
A
We'll get some Cuban food, a nice Cuban breakfast, wait for the chicken to wake us up, you know, and then we go to Connecticut. And that's. But I'm taking a handful of people up there. Like, we're getting a bus or something.
- [19:11]
B
Okay. Yeah, for Foxwoods.
- [19:13]
A
That'll be great. Yeah, we'll take a bus up.
- [19:15]
B
I have to. The Jew in me did. Does come out a little bit. Because, like, I. I have no idea. And I'm sure Titan takes good care of you, but it's not. I know it's more expensive than a first class ticket. It's. But the fact that. Because I'm sure, like, if you didn't have that, maybe you wouldn't do the show. So at least there's that. But it's even. That's how this is how cheap I am. Even the coke in the. In the hotel room, I got and got. I was a little bit like, if it wasn't for you, I would have just had the free Water bottle. I'm not paying $8 for a bottle. That pisses me off.
- [19:46]
A
When in Rome. I mean, you think I enjoy it? You think I enjoy. Like, here's $8 for a fucking 30 cents. But when in Rome. That's what the problem was. That's what the problem was. And it's not like I live like that every day. But we're out. Let's celebrate. This is a celebration. It's not just a fucking comedy show anymore. It's me being 63 years old. Let's just celebrate that I'm still alive. All right? Let's just celebrate that I got two nuts. Let's celebrate all these things. But to go out on the road and act like I can't do that no more. That's what was eating me up before. And I wasn't acting like nothing. I was just focusing my energy. But you know what? We could focus our energies in a suite with a balcony. Smoke dope on the balcony, throw rocks at the beach. You know? I mean, that's what I'm talking about. Everything was very militaristic, and that's how I live. And I appreciate it. But it got to the point where it was too militaristic. It's comedy, you know? Look at these bands now. They're doing all these tours and shit. The Stones. The Stones each fly individually. They got doctors. They don't do a show two nights in a row. They travel with doctors and fucking masseuse therapists.
- [21:02]
B
How old are they? Like 80 years old.
- [21:03]
A
Yeah. IV that's why those Rolling Stone tickets are fucking expensive. Because you're not paying to see the Stones. You want to see them. This is what it costs to get them here. Mick Jagger don't need this. He could go on an island and get his dick sucked. But you want to jump around and all that shit. I went to see him in 83. I went to the field, okay? It's going to cost you. Now they're in 83, no more. They got a doctor, they got a rehearsal studio. You know, it's not. But you know what? They're doing it as a professional, as what works for them. Like, I'm trying to do it, but at the same time, it's not the stones of the 70s and 80s, where anywhere they went, there was destruction and chaos. Women getting pregnant and people getting fucked in the ass. They were worse than the Diddy party. These people were worse than Diddy parties. Were touring.
- [21:52]
B
Diddy.
- [21:53]
A
You want a tour with Led Zeppelin? That's a fucking. That's what. They were putting octopuses in a girl's pussy. What are you talking about? Diddy with fucking shaving cream, Whatever the fuck. Maybe baby oil, whatever the fuck he was using.
- [22:04]
B
They really put an octopus in someone?
- [22:05]
A
A fucking shark and a baby shark and a chick's pussy had an orgy in Seattle. Come on. That's why you get into comedy. You don't get into comedy and be all decent with glasses. Well, my daughter is a teenager. No, you get into comedy to fucking rock. You give yourself a window and you fucking rock. Why do you think I got upset with you that day when you're like, I didn't eat the mushrooms. That's done. You eat whatever they give you. On the road. That's part of the road experience. That's part of it. That's part of it, yeah. Some people listen, I don't do coke, and I will never do coke again. But if I'm on the road and somebody offers me an oxycontin, pop that motherfucker a Vicodin. Pop it. What the fuck? On the road, it's not like I'm shooting heroin. I'm not gonna die in my room. But you're on the road. That's what it's for. It's not the fucking. No, it's the truth. When I was my wildest, I was my funniest. When I got conservative, my funniness got conservative. Right? When you're buck wild, you're buck wild. This is why you gotten to stand up. Not to be a corporate fucking merchant like we became later on with the podcast and shit. When you do stand up, it's like riding a motorcycle with no shirt on. You're fucking free. You're like a free faggot. You're just. Your hair's going all over the place like Brad Pitt, you know? That's what it's about. It's not about getting a helmet. Look at me. It's about getting on a mountain, on an open fucking highway with no cars, doing 80, and getting sun and just breathing. And that's what people have missed out with comedy. Listen, when I went on the road with Rogan and those eight guys for, like, two or three years, it was chaos. It was chaos. It was chaos. Every hotel, everybody, you have eight different personalities. So something's gonna go down. I can't even imagine, okay, five different personalities. Something is gonna go down. We always go on the road. Like, being a professional, Sally, like, you know, that's. That's not for me. If we're Gonna go on the road. It's the fucking do it again. I'm not drinking. I'm not doing blow. But if somebody offers me a line of heroin and they're kind of decent, like, they look clothed and the club.
- [24:24]
B
Owner knows them, that's all it takes.
- [24:26]
A
Just one little bump, just a little. Just a little something, a little white powder just to get you to put a little pep in your step.
- [24:35]
B
Oh, my God. How often do people offer you shit like that?
- [24:39]
A
All the time. When I was rocking and rolling. Because you're on stage. I mean, Staten island was the first place I ever went on stage, asked for Oxycoat, and nobody threw them at me. Usually I got. All you gotta do is mention I'm looking for some oxycontin. Just mention it's expensive now.
- [24:53]
B
No one wants to share.
- [24:54]
A
You have somebody show up with a bucket. Here you go. Pick whatever you want.
- [24:58]
B
Oh, my God.
- [24:59]
A
Yeah, it's insane. But that's not the point of it. The point. When I was doing comedy like a fucking. Like these guys. I don't want to do condo like these guys. I don't want a fucking camera in my face at every minute. Look at this. If you're rocking and rolling, there ain't no camera. It's like the casino when fucking Joe Pesci, sitting with Frankie Vincent in the booth and the other guy and De Niro comes in with a table full of women and fucking Joe Pesci, one of them, Frankie Vincent, goes, look at De Niro. He's having a good time over there. And Joe Pesci's sitting and he goes, so are we. Yeah, so will we. Might as well.
- [25:38]
B
I mean, you might as well have fun. I don't know about snorting heroin, it's.
- [25:44]
A
An exaggeration, but I just want to make a point, Lee, that that's what that road is for. That's what that road is for. People used to say, well, you should bring an assistant with you. For what? I need an assistant on the fucking road. That's bullshit. That's. I don't need somebody to tell me, hey, we gotta be ready in 50. Get the fuck outta here. I know we got to be ready. The party ain't going to start till we get there.
- [26:08]
B
That's true.
- [26:09]
A
So we're a traveling party from now on. I want this to be a traveling fucking party. It's not for five days. It's for a fucking flight down there. Show and back. Yeah, you live, right? And we don't even look at the bill. Why look at it. Don't even look at it. Just get the fucking soda. Just get the $8 soda, because we're not doing this every day. It's today. It's today. Tomorrow. You know what? I ain't gonna take you motherfuckers to a Burger King. And I refuse to take you guys to, like, a fucking dopey restaurant like that clam bake we went to in Virginia. I don't want that shit. When I go to a restaurant on the road, I wanna go somewhere that we haven't been to. Somewhere where there's harps and a fucking whiskey truck that comes over to you Nice. So you guys could drink a whiskey with Becky, you know? What's. That thing was disgusting.
- [26:58]
B
Dude, it was the best.
- [26:59]
A
And the crab thing and fucking sausage. What is that? Where were we?
- [27:03]
B
It was somewhere.
- [27:04]
A
Yeah, Virginia. Third World shit.
- [27:06]
B
But that was the best restaurant they had.
- [27:08]
A
Yeah, but that's their fucking problem. Nah, I know. I won't go there again. That cannot be the best restaurant. We told the guy seafood. I think he's gonna take us to a place where, you know, lobster flour. I'm Dean. And no skinny crab legs with hiv. That dumb fucking turkey sauces they probably give you. And corn. What am I, a pilgrim? I want a fucking. Two lobster tails. I want a fucking. Yeah, I don't want that. Yeah, you got to sit there with a bag, your hands get dirty. Everybody's got paper towels. Half those people don't even wash their hands. They've been having dirty hands all their life. And then they go in there, they see paper towel. It's like fire, you know? I don't like that shit. When I take you guys out the way Rogan took me out, I'm just giving back to what was given to me. You think Rogan took me to a Burger King? Motherfucker. We're going to Fogo de Chow. Fucking, you know, getting cigars in there. 200 a cigar, a shot of whiskey, $400. He's like, you know what? That shot of whiskey just. You know how much it was? $400, Joey. Enjoy it. I am. I'm gonna burp it up twice. $400. I'm gonna piss and drink it again for 400. There's still gotta be somebody left in there. 450. One night he paid for shots. He didn't know till he got the bill.
- [28:23]
B
How many shots did you get?
- [28:24]
A
One apiece.
- [28:25]
B
Eight shots.
- [28:26]
A
Oh, damn.
- [28:29]
B
I'd be pissed.
- [28:30]
A
And then cigars and fucking. Just. Just dog. It's something That I always respected about him. Because you go on the road with these people and they want to give you. Let's go eat at a diner. What diner? I look like a diner Eat it to you? When Kentucky. There's got to be somebody who's killing a pig. But did.
- [28:49]
B
Did any part of you be like, hey, Rogan, take me to a diner and give me the four I need. I want to buy a Coke in my heart.
- [28:55]
A
In my heart all the time. I was thinking of stealing the tips. When you leave like a $300 tip. Let me get a hundred. At least. Steal the tip.
- [29:07]
B
Yeah, I don't blame you. Especially like if you're.
- [29:09]
A
If you're broke. I got no money in the. Listen, think about being broke feature, not having any money, but having access to that place across the street from the hotel in Austin. I used to take you to Papa Doe's. Yeah, that was our fucking home base. It's 16 just to walk in there and say, hello, glass of water with lemon. 16, dog. They used to have a fucking crab meat and shrimp salad. Can't finish it. I'll put it up against anybody. Four prawns and pieces of crab meat in that. I used to get the gumbo with the fingernails in them with the Katrina sweat.
- [29:48]
B
Dude, we didn't even. We didn't even check into the hotel. We like threw our bags in the hotel.
- [29:52]
A
We don't fuck around. Oh, we're not going to the hotel room. Just give her the bags. The little Indian guy, here's the bag. He was 20. Hold on to those things. Pound the weed in those things. There's no pounding that. But he's all nervous now. It was right across the street, 50 yards. That's. And I would go there every year just to eat a poppin dough's for three days. The fucking banana pudding with the. With the little cookies inside.
- [30:17]
B
Oh, I love banana pudding.
- [30:19]
A
That place is top notch. The cheesecake from A to Z. We would eat six meals in there for six days. Yeah, we go to San Francisco. San Jose. Original Joe's, White doctors. We ain't even millionaires. We would walk in there like doctors. Who cares if I break even? It's a weekend on the road. Oh, I'm getting to do what I love. And what do you want me to do? I already went on the road eating fucking veggie cheese sandwiches for years. When I was an early open micr. Yeah, I would have to split a 16. A 12 ounce fucking veggie and cheese to survive one in the morning. And one at night. Hopefully the club would fucking feed me some chicken nuggets or, you know, something to go, and then I wouldn't have to eat the veggie and cheese sandwich. So now, fuck it. Now let's break even. I don't give a fuck.
- [31:11]
B
Jesus. And it is.
- [31:13]
A
I.
- [31:14]
B
It's a lot of fun. It's a lot. It's a lot.
- [31:16]
A
This is supposed to be fun. And I took the fun out of it for years. This is before you go on stage. That's why the top comics always say to you, have fun. You're like, fun. I got to work for fucking 35 minutes. No, if you go up there with a smile on your face, life's going to change. It's going to be a lot easier. It's like me paying you before you go on stage when the rent is due the next day, okay, you think this guy's going to give you a check. And all of a sudden you get. The guy goes, joey, can I talk to you over here? He's 600 cash. Go do your thing, dog. When you walk out there, you can't even walk out because your dick is so big, if you trip over it, Somebody gave you money and now you're on fire. Getting.
- [32:00]
B
I don't think I've ever gotten paid before the game.
- [32:02]
A
You get paid before you go on stage, it just does something to you because now you really don't have to wait around. It's from the Tudor to the snooter. You just. Good night. Bam.
- [32:13]
B
Yeah.
- [32:13]
A
Gone.
- [32:15]
B
Because it is like, I was. I was a little worried because I. I know it was your night. It was the guy's birthday. Like, I'm sure they're paying you a good amount. I, like, I don't want to fuck anything up.
- [32:26]
A
They paid me, but I got the plane. I could have fucking. He would have bought me a first class plane ticket. Oh, no, I'm sure you could have talked him into buying you a plane tickets because you want to bring a friend. That wasn't the point. The point was I wasn't waking up Super Bowl Sunday and walking around ATL Airport. That's a big fucking airport.
- [32:42]
B
Oh, no.
- [32:42]
A
That's a big fucking airport, guys. And it just wouldn't have worked. It just would not have worked. I'm getting surgery April 23rd.
- [32:50]
B
You know, I can't believe you're waiting that long.
- [32:52]
A
I have to, because I have gigs and I cannot do the surgery at the end of the month and then go to fucking Nashville to a big time comedy Festival with crutches. Or Connecticut. Who's paying me good money? Or Tampa. They deserve better.
- [33:06]
B
Yeah.
- [33:07]
A
So what do you want me to do? I go to physical therapy. It'll work out till April. I'll make it work till April. But I can't do it next week because then I'll be shit for those gigs, right? I got three gigs. Two in March, one in April. Done nothing to August. After that, I can just do the dojo. Any spot around here, that's what we'll do. It's no big fucking deal.
- [33:28]
B
Are you having to do both knees at the same time?
- [33:30]
A
No, I'm just gonna have them do one, all right? I don't need the other one. Are you gonna have them do both? Me, I just need this one.
- [33:35]
B
But every time you do one knee, you tell me that the other knee goes good put.
- [33:38]
A
No, because you put so much pressure on this knee, it starts to hurt. But after a few days, you ice it. When you finish this one, you put some BPC157. I shot it with copper and now I'm back like herpes Jack.
- [33:51]
B
You know all the numbers for these peptide things?
- [33:54]
A
You got to know the numbers.
- [33:55]
B
Oh, my God.
- [33:56]
A
You got to know the numbers on everything. Your business, your address, your zip code. Everything's got a fucking number.
- [34:01]
B
Your pin, I love it. That's great. I. Are you nervous about it?
- [34:06]
A
Do I look fucking nervous? No, I did it already. I just want to get it over with now. So I have to do it when I'm 70, because recovering from this when I'm 63 is gonna be tough enough. 70, it's a different bag of ballpark. I'm gonna go in there in good shape. Like, I'm gonna go in there lifting three, four days a week so my recuperation is easier. I won't go to fucking jail when I'm sitting there for two weeks. But I'll still lift in the house. I'll get a kettlebell and do these things. Anything to keep fucking. Because anything you do after the surgery helps your. Sir. Your healing, right? So anytime you get blood going through there and all that shit, it's like stealing. That's. So why would I want to fucking do it now? So I have to limp to Florida on a plane and have you guys carry me off the little thing? Come on, man. You use your fucking head.
- [34:56]
B
I got to you. I think you'd have fun on a scooter, though.
- [34:59]
A
I won't have fun on the scooter. I'm 60 years old.
- [35:01]
B
BEEPING at people.
- [35:02]
A
No, leave me alone.
- [35:05]
B
I think you'd have fun. Is that. Is that what you're looking at? Are you looking at like 70? Is that like the number that's looming over you?
- [35:12]
A
I don't fucking know. I'm just threw a number up there. But you don't want to wait and do this later on when it takes. It's harder to recuperate. Right. The older you are. Let me do it now. This is gonna need to get fixed now. Two years, three years, something's gonna happen. That's the longevity of it. It's just the odds. Do it now. Get it over with. I have the whole summit to relax. He's got baseball all June and July. Every fucking weekend. Yeah. What do I give a fuck? I'm gonna go to the games. We'll have to do the podcast at the office, like two, three times. We'll tape a couple of them in advance so we don't have to come right up here and kill ourselves.
- [35:47]
B
Okay?
- [35:48]
A
But that'll be it. That's it. No big deal. Just another day in paradise. It's how you look at things. If you look at, like. Then it's going to be just another day in paradise.
- [36:00]
B
That's my entire life is.
- [36:01]
A
Yeah. Another day in paradise. Why think about it. Fucking go in there.
- [36:06]
B
How do you do that? How do you not think about fucking years?
- [36:10]
A
I was a regular person who put everything on the back burner. Everybody puts everything on the back burner. Everybody. I did it with comedy. I did it with fucking jobs. I did it with fucking everything. How long are you going to put your life in the back burner? There's no back burner left. I'm 60. You could do that shit when you're 30 and 40 all take care of that later. That's it. The curtain's almost drawn on me.
- [36:35]
B
Jesus Christ.
- [36:36]
A
But I'm dying. I'm just telling you that. What do you mean? What age do you still keep putting shit away at? What age do you keep saying, bro, I almost didn't have a comedy career because of two years of procrastination. That's fucking embarrassing. That is fucking embarrassing. What do you.
- [36:55]
B
What happened?
- [36:56]
A
Fear. Fear of your life changing.
- [36:57]
B
Well, you just didn't start standup. Is that what you mean?
- [37:00]
A
It took me two years to get on stage. Walking around telling people, I'm gonna get on stage soon. Two years. Cause I was a pussy. That's enough. That's enough. And that's part. That's all of us. Yeah. Anything that's gonna get us better.
- [37:12]
B
We're scared of 40's looming. That was a good fart. 40's looming over me.
- [37:18]
A
Yeah. So you gotta do. Now your attitude has to change. You can't still be. Well, I got another year. I got two more years. No, because then you'll be 45 and you'll be saying that. Then you'll be 50 and you'll be saying that shit.
- [37:32]
B
Do you ever have a homeless guy? Like, he's. He's like a little bit crazy, but he makes a little bit of sense.
- [37:37]
A
Yeah. Me, You.
- [37:40]
B
You wouldn't make a good homeless dude. But no, this dude came on the train today and was like yelling at nobody, but it felt like he was talking to me. Like, I don't know. I don't know what was it? But he was just like, oh, so that's funny. You're afraid to be funny. He was talking like. But he was talking to himself. But like, the entire train cleared out. But like, I don't know, I was just thinking, I was like, am I afraid to be funny? Like, I felt like he was talking to me.
- [38:02]
A
I was like, well, afraid of something. But after a while. How much can you be afraid of Shit. For years I didn't take care of my health because I was scared of needles. Years my fucking mouth had no teeth because I would rip them out with a wrench with Jack Daniels and cocaine. Instead of going to a doctor like a regular fucking human being. I did a thousand things of procrastination. How long can you procrastinate? And how long can I scare myself to death? Oh, this knee surgery is going to be scary. They're all scary.
- [38:34]
B
Yeah.
- [38:35]
A
But again, you want a good set. If you want to have a great set, what do you do?
- [38:41]
B
Smoke a joint?
- [38:42]
A
No, what you prepare.
- [38:45]
B
Okay.
- [38:46]
A
Yeah. So if you go into surgery, like a lap with no strength but my knee, I couldn't exercise. Okay. You're gonna feel it more.
- [38:56]
B
Yeah.
- [38:57]
A
If you go in there and you're halfway in shape, you're taking supplements, you're eating good, you're drinking water, everything's gonna be easier to heal. I'll pop a couple red light thorness on us. You know, this is the. That you have available to you makes it okay.
- [39:12]
B
Is it like. So I guess sort of like stand up. Like if you take a week off and then you do a set and you're kind of rusty, you know, like you're not prepared and that's.
- [39:19]
A
No, you have a bomb.
- [39:20]
B
Yeah.
- [39:20]
A
And you get off stage and you Go. I wasn't prepared. I didn't even look at my fucking notebook. Because you know if you look at your notebook, the charges change every time you go over your notes.
- [39:29]
B
It's just the percentages goes up.
- [39:34]
A
Percentages go up that you won't bomb every time you look at that fucking notebook and review your jokes. Yeah, for fucking Staten Island. I reviewed that joke all week. I was in there all week because I'm sick and tired of forgetting shit. Sick and died. I'm a grown man. How can I forget material on stage? And I still forgot shit that night. But I would forgot it more right if I didn't go over it.
- [39:55]
B
Well, it's.
- [39:57]
A
Hold on one second, I got a piss. We'll be right back. Want to talk to you about better health and Bluetooth. So you're in good shape while you have a hard on. We'll be right back. What's happening, beautiful people? This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. No matter what's going on in your life, therapy can help you figure stuff out. Therapy is a great way to determine what you want, what feels heavy, and how you can take some of the pressure off yourself. Listen, a couple of years ago, I was in a slump and I went to BetterHelp and they helped me out. Their therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the U.S. just answer a few questions to start and BetterHelp will match you with someone who will work for you. If you aren't happy with the match, switch to a different therapist at any time. With over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is one of the world's largest online platforms, period. BetterHelp makes it easy to get matched online with a qualified therapist. Sign up and get 10% off@betterhelp.com Diaz It's a great deal you're going to have. You're going to get a lot out of it. Again, that's BetterHelp. H E L p.com Diaz thank you for watching the podcast. I want to thank BetterHelp for sponsoring the episode. Hey, Uncle Joey here. Listen, it's February. Valentine's Day is coming. It's time to level up your fucking dick game. Blue Chew just dropped Blue Tube Gold. Blue Chew Gold is a 4 in 1 tablet with a mix of key ingredients to increase blood flow and arousal. Blue Chew Gold dissolves under your tongue. It works in as little as 15 minutes so you don't have to wait for the fucking fireworks. You follow me? You had a drink? You haven't. You're talking to some woman. Papa, Papa. She tells you want to come back? On the way to the car, you pop that thing. By your way back to her apartment. Dick, Dick, dick. Get your confidence back with one single tablet. Make life easier by getting harder. Discover your options@bluechew.com we got a special deal for the church family, all right? Bluetooth is going to give you 10% off your first month of Bluechew gold with code Joey. That's a steal. That's promo code Joey. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. And I want to thank Bluechew for sponsoring the podcast and for helping men get their heart on and get their sexual fantasies in order. Jack. Because you can't have. You know, when you're a man, you're walking around, you got all these fantasies, but if your dick don't work, it's nothing. It's a chick with a harp. That's it. Take that blue chew and sling dick like it's over. We're back. Anyway, my. You know, George just asked me what I thought about that 84 year old thought that's missing my life. If that was your mother that nobody would look for. You know, I'm sitting there the other day and they're talking about this 84 year old twat. The sister, the fucking Bitcoin who's 84, she got one foot in the grave, one of banana peel. They got helicopters, dogs. If that was my spic mother, your Italian mother or your mother, your Jew mouth mother. I don't know. I think they'd fucking help out after what she did at the party. They'll get back to it.
- [43:25]
B
Mind her.
- [43:26]
A
But you know, like it's a lady's mom. I feel bad. I. I miss my mom.
- [43:30]
B
But the kidnappers would send my mom back.
- [43:32]
A
Yeah, ye take it back. There's no kidding after bitcoin. That's some fucking idiot. That's. Listen, nine out of ten of those things, it's in the family.
- [43:43]
B
You think so?
- [43:44]
A
Listen, nine out of ten of those things, it's too. Remember JonBenet? Remember all that is somebody in the house, they took it for a ride. They took her to sign some documents to the mortgage to redo the mortgage. She didn't know. Like what do you mean? You're making me do things. All of a sudden they fucking beat her up and they threw in a ravine so nobody would know when they signed the lease over. Oh no, that's a brother, that's a kid. That's. But anyway, it's not my fucking problem. Yeah, I gotta worry about this twat now. Every day helicopters go to my house and. No, it's somewhere else, but they're looking at my house. Why? What the is wrong with you?
- [44:24]
B
You seem to know a lot about this, about the disappearance. Yeah, because.
- [44:28]
A
Because, dog, you. You're old and you listen. You watch Law and Order and you read and you read and you hear things. And after a while, you don't need to hear the whole story. Like, most of the times you got to hear. What's that expression? Your side of the story. And there's the truth. Yeah, but you know, one time you just hear. All I need to do is hear it and I can decipher what happened myself. I know what went down just by hearing it. By some. You ever have somebody talk to you and you really know what happened? Yeah, I was walking down the street and some guy beat me up just for nothing. I'm just walking down the street and. Yeah, no, he told the guy to go fuck his mother. He threw a beer can out of. Oh, you know, I already know. Stop. Nobody just flies around and hits you in the head when you're walking around with a flower in your hand. Nobody's going to hit you in the head.
- [45:18]
B
That's true. But to think about kidnapping your own mom.
- [45:22]
A
That's like I just told you.
- [45:24]
B
Yeah.
- [45:25]
A
Somebody was trying to trick her into signing something over. I'm just. This is an alleged story. Right. Okay. Somebody tried to trick a ma. You know, grandma, I want this stamp collection. They didn't do it. She wouldn't do it. I can't do that. And then they beat the fuck out of her and they threw her in the fucking ravine. You know, Lee, this. This shit happens. Lee, in life, people are creepy. People are creepy. Look at all the people when people die, how they react, their families and. You know. Yeah. You know, people are creepy when it comes to money. And she's 84. She's half dead. I mean, who would have kidnapped. They're not. You can her. Why? She's gonna suck your dick. You know, now she's gonna cook for you. Well, she forgot the rest.
- [46:07]
B
You're not sucking my dick. Why am I kidding? Oh, my God. Holy shit.
- [46:18]
A
It's the truth. I'm sick and tired of. You know, you keep. I. I look into my grumpiness, and it's not grumpiness, it's that you heard it all already. Leave me the fuck alone. What would you do? Why? Are you going to come tell me this story? Me out of all people, there's a 60 year old waiting somewhere to hear this bullshit from you.
- [46:37]
B
You don't want to hear it.
- [46:38]
A
I don't want to hear because I know it's bullshit. You just, you just, you're just wasting my time. You're just wasting my time with all this. It's when people. Like when you talk to comedians, I don't know what to do. And you give them advice, an hour later they're doing what you told them not to do. Why are you wasting your time? Mind your business. Shut your fucking mouth. They're not gonna do it anyway.
- [46:56]
B
What would you do if you got kidnapped? Like if you were. Like if you were. If someone kidnapped you, would you get out?
- [47:02]
A
Lee, it's the dumbest question in the world. Maybe they got a machine gun like I did.
- [47:07]
B
Would you far on them? Would you do something?
- [47:09]
A
I don't know, Lee.
- [47:10]
B
Nothing.
- [47:10]
A
If there's a window. But Lee, we don't know. If I tie you up and put you on your fucking stomach and put a gag on you, how are you gonna get to that window, Lee? No, why are we thinking about it?
- [47:20]
B
But I might start annoying him.
- [47:22]
A
Yeah.
- [47:23]
B
Like if you kidnap me, I might start asking you to kick you in.
- [47:26]
A
The fucking mouth to shut up. You know, if I'm. If I kidnap you, that's the first thing I'm gonna tell you. I'm gonna treat you just like Robert De Niro traded that guy on. On Midnight Run. You know, I'm just going to beat you every time you say a word. Don't test me. I'll fucking. I'll fucking bury your head in that thing. Jesus. And I say you ain't going to talk too much. You're going to be too much. That's only on tv. When people become heroes and they can loosen the fucking thing and they can. Swami, open up the keychain. That's only in fucking movies.
- [47:57]
B
That doesn't work in real life when.
- [47:58]
A
You got three gorillas in the room and you got your blindfold on and you don't know if they're going to fuck you in the ass or feed you to the lions, you ain't going to be moving around too much. Okay, if I put a blindfold on you? Yeah, you could. You could sip out and look out of it and you know, I got.
- [48:13]
B
To be honest, if you put a blindfold on me, I'm going to piss my pants. That sounds terrifying.
- [48:17]
A
So now you got people swarming around you. Yeah, If I could get to that window, you Ain't getting to no window. You got three black guys swarming around you with a fucking Russian dude with a machine gun, and they're telling you, you move on the fuck you in the ass. Nobody wants to get fucked in the ass. No, nobody. That's the biggest sense of torture.
- [48:37]
B
To get fucked in the.
- [48:38]
A
Yeah. Well, look at you. Ever see the Godfather Harlem? No. Whenever he had a problem, he brought that big black dude with the big dick and they raped men. He just raped men. The guy would just pull his zipper down and the guy in the chair would go, oh, no. Oh, yeah. That was his job, to torture people. Big Dick McGitch.
- [48:56]
B
Oh my God, that's fucked up.
- [49:00]
A
So think about it. They got. Now who's gonna fuck the 84 year old woman in the ass that's got crab apples in there and God knows what else. Malukia stinks. God knows what else.
- [49:10]
B
How did that get in there?
- [49:11]
A
Oh, then he always tell you what, she doesn't have a medication. All right, let me go back to the house and get a medication. Who gives a fuck? Enough. She's dead by now. She's dead. Knock it off. It's been a week. She had no medication. She dead. Oh, she's in a swamp somewhere. Her eyeballs are gone already. Oh, yes.
- [49:35]
B
Holy. You should call up Savannah Guthrie. I think she'd like to hear from you.
- [49:39]
A
Savannah, she got no problem. Wait till they hit her with the lie detector test. Autumn White, creepy people. They'll do anything for $500,000 and they'll kill their grandmother or something. This isn't. No, like if you're home right now, like praying on rosary beads. This is white nonsense. This is white. Not. Yeah. Oh my God. I hope she's returned safely. Who gives a fuck? Move on.
- [50:02]
B
That is fucked up when that happens. When someone like, is like front and center, like, oh, they're praying and then you find out that they did it.
- [50:09]
A
Yeah, it's all bullshit. That's something creepy there. Oh, you know what I'm saying? Put it in pass and let's wait for the. The Hamas kids to make a comeback. They must be hungrier than ever now. Nobody's talked about those almost kids in two months. Those kids must be fucking skeletons walking around fucking Palestine right now.
- [50:35]
B
Getting ready for Halloween.
- [50:36]
A
Yeah.
- [50:37]
B
Oh, my God, dude, I feel. I feel like you just have like a. Like a notebook. You used to come in with like notes to talk about stuff on the podcast. I think you come in with a thing like, how are we going to get YouTube to get pissed off on us this week. The Hamas kids look like skeletons.
- [50:57]
A
I just fucking told you, man, that I'm not doing comedy for the masses no more. I'm doing comedy for me and what affects me. And that affects me. When I sit down to. I'm all wound up, I'm high. I sit down to watch World News Tonight. And I got to. I got to talk about this old twat again for fucking 20 minutes. She's missing. She's at the border. Who gives a.
- [51:18]
B
Is that what it boils down to? She's ruining World News Tonight for you. Every day I have to hear about Savannah Guthrie's mom.
- [51:32]
A
But again, if that was any of your moms, do you think there'd be helicopters looking for your fucking mom? No, your mom would be dead already. They wouldn't even come to a house and interview her. So enough. That's Samantha Guthrie. Good Morning America, you know, so privilege is privilege, dog. We're in the shit. We've lost them. In fact, I'm done with the news. Finally with it again. Yeah, I'm leaving the house at 6:30 now and I'm coming back at 7:30 after Jeopardy. That's my new early. So I could watch Orange is the New black by fucking 8 o' clock with the lesbians leading each other's assholes. And.
- [52:08]
B
That'S much better than the news.
- [52:11]
A
And I'll tell you what was the worst thing ever. Guys, listen, and I tell you this with honesty. All of you need the people at home. You got. I got a short window. I got a short window. You got like three hours to talk to me. And after that my head goes into like. I just don't even hear nothing. I don't know if it's old age. I don't know if it's low testosterone. I don't know what it is. I got a short window. Like, if you want to talk to me about difficult things, don't do it at night. Like at night, you got to talk to me like fire ice cream. Like just simple words. Yeah, if you go into like a fucking calamity, you're gonna lose me. I'm just gonna turn my head because you're wasting your time.
- [52:49]
B
What kind of color?
- [52:50]
A
What do you mean I have a short window? I'm old. I have a short window. So when I get up at 7:30 or 6:50, like today I got up at 5:15, I'm ready to stab a motherfucker. And then the world's asleep, there's nobody to stab. So I stay Up. I write, I learned to music. I smoke dope, I play fucking DraftKings. Triple jackpot, you know, I do all this shit, but I'm. Then I leave the house wired. I go run my errands. I'm electrified. You know, When I come back at 12 or 1, I'm done. People try to call me and give me like, I'm doing this roast of New Jersey. And they called last week, they go, do you know we want to talk to you about the Sun? Okay, I canceled the first two times because one o', clock, I'm taking a nap by one, you know what I'm saying? Like one o'. Clock.
- [53:37]
B
What time do you cancel? 12:45.
- [53:39]
A
I cancel like 10 to 1. But I did the one on Thursday because I was eating lunch anyway. But I had to go to like tomorrow. I got to go to physical therapy at 2. So this is at 1. But they hit me right back. Like, let's do. What is that when I call Nick. Nick, what are we doing tomorrow? Nothing. Call me at one. All right, I'll call you at one. But then they want to send you those things.
- [54:00]
B
Zoom.
- [54:01]
A
No, the fucking link with the time and then they want to zoom and all.
- [54:05]
B
I don't want. You mean like a calendar.
- [54:06]
A
We ain't got that type of time. Yeah, we ain't got that type of time. This ain't that type of party. All right? This ain't that type of party.
- [54:15]
B
So basically what they have to do is be like, hey, can you talk now? Because, like, they just want to. They have. They added to their day.
- [54:21]
A
I don't give. I don't want. Need that. That's too much drama. That's white people shit. Let's start schedule. Oh, yeah, 8 o'. Clock. What's your phone number? And then it pops up on your calendar. I open up my iPhone, there's a red dot. I got to hit it now. I don't know why are they on my thing? This is not. There's no money here. This is chit chat. There's no dough. So the fucking dude hits me up Thursday. I tell him, listen, Tuesday. Then the other guy comes in. I work with, you know, one of those dudes. I've worked with you before on a couple of shows, all right? I know all your friends, okay? And all of a sudden he goes, let me give you my number, all right? Doug, Friday, he started hitting me up, hey, I'm available till 6, but 6 is never gonna work. You call me at 1, we're gonna chit chat. For maybe 20, 25 minutes. Then I gotta go. I'll put you on speakerphone. I'm just gonna write. I'm gonna put like fucking you porn on and bang one out while I'm talking to you, you know, and come on my hand. And I gotta sit there with the come on my hand for f. You.
- [55:21]
B
Know, dude, you got to be careful because you're gonna. You don't have. You don't know how to hit mute. So one of these. What would you do if someone heard you on pornhub?
- [55:28]
A
Who gives a. Then Louis CK is my next new name. You know what I'm saying? I'm calling people breathing heavy.
- [55:36]
B
Oh, my God.
- [55:36]
A
No, I don't jerk off. But what I'm saying is that they want to call you and talk about this. I don't. I don't want it to be that official. This. This doesn't need to be whitened up. It's like everything is politicized now. There's some people that want to do well. Let's put in the vet. No, no, no. We don't need that. This is loose. This is loose.
- [55:55]
B
There's no lose anymore. Do people have 8 hours a day, 10 hours a day to fill? They have to step out of a meeting with someone.
- [56:00]
A
You got to adjust.
- [56:02]
B
You got to adjust What?
- [56:03]
A
You got to adjust. That's it. I ain't got time for your problems. Oh, dude, I think my daughter comes home at 2:45. That means I don't want to talk to you after two, right? I need 45 minutes just to focus. Focus on what's about to happen when she walks in the door, these people want to call me. Like, oh, yeah, can we do 130? 130 ain't gonna work because that's a half hour. And I ain't got that type of time for half hour for you. I just don't.
- [56:26]
B
I would love to see what these people who have. Have not dealt with you say. I told you this. There's one guy I met, he. He said he used to be our podcast agent. I had no idea. And he said he got fired one day. You just sent him an email with no subject that just said, the party's over. He didn't know what you meant.
- [56:52]
A
I ain't got time for that shit. You want to play the game, you're going to get fired. I didn't fire him. He lost his own job. I don't even know who you're talking about. I have no idea who you're talking about, but it's like, oh, I'm going.
- [57:04]
B
To have to hit him up tomorrow. Oh, my God.
- [57:05]
A
I just hate these people that everything's a fucking. Then the party is over. That's it. Pack up your bags. That's it. They hiring a Dairy Queen? They always are. There's always a job at Dairy Queen.
- [57:19]
B
Oh, people do. And we ran into another guy. I ran into a comic this week. I said, hey, nice to see you. He's like. He was like, from the old podcast. He had come on once, twice he came on twice, came on.
- [57:32]
A
The first time, he was pretty good.
- [57:33]
B
Oh, I forgot.
- [57:34]
A
And the second time he came on, he had bo. He had been up snorting for a few days. You could see it. He didn't comb his hair, and he was u bot. So me and Lee just. We just left him there.
- [57:45]
B
And he's like, I lost a job because of that. I was like, I don't. I have no idea.
- [57:49]
A
Listen, don't lie. You lost a job because of yourself. They're not going to look at a podcast and go, oh, we're not going to hire him. That's a fucking lie. You think people got time? Facts. They look through your Twitter, they look through your Facebook, and they look at your Instagram. They know you have a podcast. But then I gotta look at it individually to see what we said. I hate those people that give an excuse like, I lost a job because you lost a job because you lost a fucking job. Don't say, like, when people call me now people call me once a month, hey, man, how you doing? I haven't heard from you in five or six years. Five or six years, I haven't heard from you. How you doing? Good day. Hey, hey. I'm pitching a show. First of all, I know you. You ain't got no show. You ain't got no show. Knock it off. Well, we're pitching and we don't want people to hear what we sign up. It's not happening. It's not happening. I had a podcast once with Felicia, dear friend of mine. Love this motherfucker. Still talk to him. Came on the podcast. He's one of these dudes that he let his wife peek into the business when everybody told him that he had a problem in Miami because she came to the shows and would fucking yell at the feature. Doug, I don't talk out of fucking place here. And he fucking went on our podcast and said a story. I swear to my mother, an hour later, he calls me and I could hear her yelling in the back saying, take that off. I don't give a fuck. He begged me to take it down. Guess what? I'm not taking it down. Not taking it down because of her attitude. If you would have called me and said it to me correctly, I would have done anything for you. But she was just jealous because she wanted to come on the podcast. And we just had him.
- [59:42]
B
Oh, Jesus.
- [59:43]
A
So I'm talking to him, and she was yelling in the back, dog. I would have put my phone down. I would have thrown my wife right out the fucking window. This is business. You don't fucking step on my business ever. Shut the fuck up. And that's why I didn't take it down, because I didn't like how she said it to me. Because at the end of the day, it's all bullshit. It's all bullshit. You're not going to lose a job unless you go on fucking Rogan or one of these big ones and say, yeah, I hate Jews. Lose a fucking job. Meanwhile, little ones, it doesn't even matter. We say some crazy shit here. I don't hear nothing about it two days later, because that doesn't matter. No, they don't give a fuck about me. They're not gonna change me. They already went after me, and they got nothing. Nothing. So what do they got? They got nothing. I could say whatever the fuck I want now. I'm 63, and if you fuck with me, I'll blame it on old age. Okay? I say crazy things. Hitler is gone. You know? Yeah. What the.
- [60:52]
B
It is pretty. And. And you know what? There was only one time where.
- [60:57]
A
And you didn't.
- [60:57]
B
You didn't want to take it down, but remember when Ralphie came on and was yelling about Russians?
- [61:02]
A
Yeah.
- [61:02]
B
For about 30 minutes. You're like, ralph, but you can't talk that about Russia. Oh, that was, like, the only time where I saw you get a little bit like, I can't talk.
- [61:09]
A
Them Russians will come to the office and stab you. And if they come to the office when Ralphie's there and he was saying that shit, I'll tell him, stab him. Stab him extra. He's chubby. Get a. Get a big pontoon. You want to go through all the epidurals of fucking fat?
- [61:25]
B
Oh, my God.
- [61:26]
A
Nah, I ain't got time for that shit. We don't have time for that no more. If you really think about. And some people are going to disagree with me, but they're going to go, you know, I get it. I get it. You come on a podcast, you're a man I'm not going to come on here and say I had an orgy and then call you in an hour and a bro. Take that down. My old. My girlfriend. Because I was cool when I was here in front of all the boys, you know, I'm saying, I got my dick sucked. That's 10, guys. Now I get in the car and I got to call my wife, and she's like, bring home milk. How was the podcast? I'm going to listen to it tomorrow. Oh, now you got to call him and take that orgy story out. My wife's gonna listen to it. That ain't going out. I'll take pieces of it out, but I'll leave. You saying orgy. Just.
- [62:09]
B
You'll just call me, have him see orgy every six minutes.
- [62:12]
A
Yeah. Because it's not. It's how you ask when you come out. Listen, I went on a podcast that I said something that got used against me, almost canceled because I said it, and nobody raised their hand. And I still get tortured. Six years later, people still make little fucking remarks, and I'm like. Because they have nothing in their lives, right? Six years to still say, oh, you take Xanax. Let's move on to the next subject now. Let's move on. You're just a fucking loser. You're on repeat in your fucking head. You know? You know, I just don't repeat. But, you know, when we come on these podcasts and we talk. I've never said to you, take that out? No. And I say some nasty shit. I say some vulnerable shit about myself. I say vulnerable shit about other people, but not in a bad way. It's not that I'm lying about them, is that I'm comparing them to what I'm going through, and that's where the comparison comes from. And it's.
- [63:09]
B
It's about being honest, or at least trying to be in theory. It's not. You can always. You know, I think if you. I can. I don't like listening to a podcast where you can tell that it's, like, overly produced or like, they. They're editing different stories together.
- [63:26]
A
I don't want to hear that. No, I want to hear it live, like Memorex. And I've told you this since day one. I don't want that. I don't want clips. It's. Give it to them. We're not gonna sit there for two hours. Take this out. Oh, take that. Oh, my hair looks bad there. Take that out now. Your hair never looks bad. Just say it. They don't care about your hair. You got no hair, Joey. You got three pieces of hair holding you together. What the.
- [63:53]
B
Are you gonna get even more wild? Like, like when you get to 70, are you gonna go just like you've gotten a little like you. You never really cared. But I feel like when you get older, you have to go, like, even crazier.
- [64:04]
A
I don't care. I've been telling you guys this for the last year and a half.
- [64:09]
B
Oh, I can't wait to see it.
- [64:10]
A
I'm like, when you were a kid, you care about all this now? I'm like a Marine. God, family, God, family, Corps. That's it, that's it, that's it. Everything else, you're just confusing yourself. That's why the Marine does that. God, family, Corps. Yeah, but Bad bunny, I don't know what you're talking about. Yeah, but you Chris Rock. I don't know what you talk. Kid Rock. I don't know. Yeah, you're this, that. I don't know. Family, God, family, core.
- [64:43]
B
So what's the core? If take out the core for you, what else do you like? God, family comedy. Like comedy?
- [64:49]
A
Yeah, God, family comedy. You want me to get involved in that? I have nothing to do with that. I have no education to speak on. And then you wonder why things aren't working. You know, you're a plumber by trade, but you want to do a podcast about art, You're a plumber, right? You're a fucking plumber. So it's, it's just, it just goes hand in hand, whatever the fuck we're talking about. Yeah, it really, you know, think about this. I got up Sunday morning happy like everybody else. We just did this thing. I was a little tired. I knew I had to work out. I had a couple things going on. You know, you open up the computer, I'm looking at SAG to see if I'm getting any checks this week.
- [65:26]
B
Anything good?
- [65:27]
A
Yeah, I got a couple good checks.
- [65:29]
B
Nice.
- [65:29]
A
Like 154. That's not bad. And the rest like six dollars. But again, those three six dollar checks, I put those in my gas tank. Yeah, you know, I get checks for fucking 82 cents. They go in the bank, bitch.
- [65:42]
B
They should.
- [65:43]
A
I'm a Jew. They go right back.
- [65:45]
B
But I'm sorry I interrupted. You were saying you were doing all that.
- [65:47]
A
You know when you wake up and you go on Instagram and you go on Twitter, Facebook, people message you throughout the day. You know, I'm not on Facebook or Twitter all day. And it was all About Bad Bunny and Kid Rock. It's a fucking football game. It's four quarters of a football game. If you come to me like somebody told me five years ago, I can't wait for the Super Bowl. Usher's playing this year. I'm not talking to you. That's not what the Super Bowl's about. That's something that happens during the super bowl, not the Super Bowl. So for people to sit there all day Sunday, Betty this and what happened? The guy got 160 million views, right? Bad Bunny. And the Republicans, the people who looked. Yeah, they got 6 million. That's 6 million fucking viewers. And if you think Benito was bad, Bad Bunny, fucking Kid Rock was worse. Fucking God awful. I don't give a fuck who you are. With a bunch of white politicals dancing like they could dance. All they're thinking about is stealing the fucking Charlie Kirk's wife. She's sucking two dicks already. That dirty bitch. He's sucking J.D. vance dick. How come brings that up? Nobody talks about JD Vance fucking Erica wife in the ass with that chubby ass. That dude. Somebody shot that motherfucker. They wanted to fuck that bitch. That bitch. That motherfucker died. That bitch had a corporation two days later. Come on, guys.
- [67:19]
B
Well, it didn't even look.
- [67:20]
A
You guys buy all this shit. I say it to you. You look at me like I'm a bad guy. J.D. vance, that chubby chick has been sucking dick since that dude, before that dude got buried. She blew somebody. I'll tell you right to your face. You can see it on her face. She sucked somebody off at the fucking funeral parlor. I guarantee you, with tears in her eyes and everything. Just sucked the dick. She couldn't wait to start sucking dick. She couldn't fucking wait. Look at it now. She's at everything with J.D. vance. And none of you motherfuckers that are political organizers see this or say anything. He's been fucking her in the ass with Kid Rock. Both of them been fucking that fucking fat chubby bitch.
- [68:01]
B
That's a good halftime show, though. What the Kid Rock and JD Vance.
- [68:06]
A
With Erica Kirk anyway, which is so fucking stupid. The other idiots. San Francisco Bay area. We gotta get Metallica. Enough. Enough with these old men with fucking heavy metal dreams. You made $20 million already. Move the fuck on. And you heavy metal fans with your stupidity and your cruises, grow the fuck up. The mortgage is fucking due. The mortgage is fucking do. Yeah, you know Metallica. Metallica is great. I love Metallica 2026.
- [68:46]
B
And I. I've never Heard of Bad Bunny before? I've heard of him. I've never heard a song I thought it looked. I had no idea what one word he said was.
- [68:53]
A
And I don't know what it looks saying, you know, they got. I felt bad. They got Cubans, they got fucking cane fields. And anyway, I just want to hear music. And if you're going to fucking be spic and come out there, you might as well throw heat like Pitbull. Come out there and light that fucker up. Like Pitbull would do, right? Yeah. He's got half a fag. Ricky Martin. You got that ox and fucking that chick that, you know, Lady Gaga. Lady Gaga. Come on, man, Enough. We're sick of this shit.
- [69:24]
B
I was watching it with Puerto Ricans. They were having a good time.
- [69:27]
A
Oh, no, listen. The only thing I felt good about, and I'm not ashamed to say this, it was a good day for Spanish people with all the ice and all the shit that's going on. They had their 15 minutes, you know, Jews have fucking Palestine. They can have a good time and bomb them at ease. Things are boring. Let's bomb Palestine. Black people got black lives matter. Spics got nothing. Give them their fucking day. They've been getting tortured, these people. They've been getting tortured, you know, Think about it. If you go home tonight and you gotta fucking hide your kid and look behind both curtains and then go up to your house and hug your wife like you haven't seen her in 10 years and hug her before you leave. That does a lot to the psyche. That does a lot to the psyche. That's what these people understand. It blatantly looks like. It blatantly looks, with the immigration stuff like you hate Spanish people, you know? And again, it's like, yeah, but they're all rapists and murderers, guys. Give me a fucking break. That's a big boogie. That's a cocoy. That's the boogeyman. Like the Russians have the boogeyman. As John Wick, Right? That. That's the boogeyman, right? They're such bad people. They said, for 10 fucking years you've been eating all their food. At least for 10 fucking years, every meal you eat at Pepe Le Pews or Johnny Santarello or. Yeah, that's a mob joint. They're all Mexicans in the back. So give me a fucking break. Yeah, give me a fucking break, you know?
- [71:00]
B
Yeah.
- [71:01]
A
And it's like it's a football game. And you will. You people were. I mean, whoever's controlling this, whatever's going on. It's to have two sides to everything now. Everything has two sides now. Oh, let's do our own super bowl halftime show. I don't see Kid Rock in front.
- [71:19]
B
Of, like, 30 people.
- [71:20]
A
It was not good. Yeah, it was embarrassing, but everybody had to turn it on. I'm gonna turn on Kid Rock. Come on, man. Give me a fucking break. Give me a. What the fuck is wrong with us? Just leave the soup bowl, and if you don't watch it, go in the kitchen and eat with the kids. That's what I did.
- [71:37]
B
Yeah.
- [71:37]
A
I was in the kitchen and I was looking from afar. People were talking. So I'm deaf. I couldn't hear what the fuck was coming out of his mouth.
- [71:44]
B
Oh, bad bunny.
- [71:45]
A
Yeah, I didn't hear a word. I barely heard the music, but I didn't see people jumping up and down.
- [71:50]
B
No, they didn't have any of that.
- [71:51]
A
Pitbull would have came out and lit that motherfucker. No, Joey, you like Pitbull? No, I don't like people. But he comes out, says three Spanish words, and those people lose their fucking mind. What's that song he's got?
- [72:04]
B
Gasolina.
- [72:04]
A
Huh?
- [72:05]
B
Is it. Is that. I think Allah.
- [72:10]
A
Yeah. They even sampled Gasolina.
- [72:13]
B
But see, that's the thing. I like that about the yesterday or two days ago. Because other halftime shows, they have, like, a fake audience that's like pretending like they had a concert. They shot this, like, I've never seen anything like that. They shot it so. Like, in different scenes, and they took it around.
- [72:28]
A
It was a good fella. Yeah, good fellas.
- [72:31]
B
That's exactly what it was.
- [72:32]
A
Good fellas.
- [72:32]
B
And they had different things, like, they. Apparently, that little kid was the kid they took in the ice raid. That wedding was real. That they had a. Yeah, yeah. That's what they. Oh, okay, okay.
- [72:49]
A
But now you got to play a violin. That's the other part now. Oh, the kid got kidnapped. Who gives a. Give him the job. You know, just give him the job. We're going to talk about professionalism or your resume now give him the job. Poor kid. Easy.
- [73:06]
B
He's, like 5 years old.
- [73:07]
A
Yeah, so that. I just. That was it for me.
- [73:09]
B
It didn't matter to you. It was a bad game.
- [73:14]
A
Well, listen, you know what? It's entertainment, guys. We keep forgetting this shit is all entertainment. And we're the ones that take it too seriously. It's entertainment. You lost yesterday, but you had a good time with your friends.
- [73:29]
B
Oh, yeah. It was a fun night.
- [73:31]
A
That's it. You'll make it up somewhere else. You might walk out right now. If I have an envelope with 5,000 in it.
- [73:37]
B
Ooh, that'd be nice.
- [73:38]
A
Follow me. So it's like, you didn't lose your life, like.
- [73:42]
B
No, I ended up.
- [73:43]
A
I lost a twenty. Twenty dollar parlay was what I lost.
- [73:46]
B
Oh, I put.
- [73:47]
A
I ended up winning 95. I lost 20. So I won 75 for the day. I think I won 30 playing fucking roulette. I don't give a fuck. It's just your day.
- [73:58]
B
Brett Ernst has that joke about betting and his wife doesn't know how much that's on the game. He's like, we have rent on this. I didn't have. I didn't go crazy. But I. I had one good bet that saved me the pick six that killed the Patriots. I won like 400 bucks. So I ended up breaking even. But it was it. I was thinking about this. Isn't it crazy? Like, you've probably seen 50, 55 Super Bowls. Like, it just like I've seen. I've seen 30 plus Super Bowls now. At this point, it's like, I don't think I've done anything else that many times. Like every year of your life, you've watched a Super Bowl. It's pretty cool.
- [74:37]
A
Listen, man, you watch them, you grow with them. But then again, we've watched 50 World Series.
- [74:43]
B
See, I don't really. I don't really watch any other sport like that.
- [74:46]
A
I've watched. I don't have NBA Finals. When I was younger, I watched a lot of NHL finals. You watched hockey when I was younger? I did. I didn't know that when the Islanders were Kings and the Rangers. And the Islanders. You lived here. Wow.
- [75:00]
B
I only really did anything.
- [75:01]
A
How long can you walk into a room and people talking, you know what they're talking about? Eventually, somebody offered me tickets to a hockey game. The Rangers. Pat the ref from North Bergen. When I was a kid, I kept bugging him and he got me tickets and I was blowing the fuck away. I liked it. That it was cold.
- [75:16]
B
Yeah.
- [75:17]
A
You know? Yeah. I liked all that shit about it. And I just thought as I got older, it really doesn't work for me on TV no more. Aaron Berg invites me all the time, and I just.
- [75:28]
B
Does he Hockey?
- [75:29]
A
Yeah.
- [75:30]
B
Oh, because he's Canadian. I didn't know that.
- [75:31]
A
Canadian. Yeah. I just, you know. But I want to go to a Ranger gang, you know, like, because they.
- [75:37]
B
I feel like hockey fans really like, it has. It's not as commercial, so they're there. They really love it.
- [75:43]
A
Yeah, they really love it. Nobody wants to go. You know, people go to a baseball game to get sunny. People go to a hockey game to get hit with the ice and see a fucking tremendous fight.
- [75:52]
B
Yeah, but.
- [75:53]
A
Yeah, it's a tremendous fucking punch out, you know, so. But yeah, this is. It's what we do, brother. Just trying to have a good time. I don't want to die and go in a casket with a sour face. I want to have a good time. Who gives a fuck? You know what you mean? I work more. You've got more gigs. You need money. Do more gigs, deliver pizza. I don't give a fuck what you got to do. Yeah.
- [76:17]
B
Yeah. No, I mean, it's. It is hard, you know, but remember when you were broke? It feel. It doesn't feel that easy. It is what it is.
- [76:27]
A
But I always say this. When I was broke, I was still living like a doctor. It was a different type of doctor. It was like a toe doctor, but.
- [76:36]
B
And now you're a heart surgeon.
- [76:37]
A
But now I'm a heart surgeon. Yeah, but living like a doctor is not about money. It's a state of mind. It's like we grew up in North Bergen. North Bergen is not that same town. It was a state of mind that we grew up in that made us animals. All that is a state of mind. Oh, think about. Look about it that way.
- [76:58]
B
It's hard, though. But I. I appre. It's. I'm jealous of people. Like, you can do that. It's like just kind of like separate things in your mind, not worry about things.
- [77:09]
A
It took me a long.
- [77:10]
B
The older I get, the more I'm worried.
- [77:11]
A
I was 20. I was shitting blood out of my asshole. I had a fucking hemorrhoid in Aspen, Colorado, okay? For six months, every time I wiped my ass, there was a blob of blood from worrying. And. Well, what's gonna happen tomorrow? You know what? Nothing's gonna happen tomorrow. Nothing. You're gonna wake up tomorrow, you're gonna wash your pussy, you're gonna walk out there to that bus stop, you're gonna get on that bus, and you're gonna go to your job. That's what's gonna happen. There's no surprises. Ain't nobody showing up with a fucking check for half a million dollars. And that's the problem. Like, even the last four months, I've been journaling a lot because that's how I gotta get my head back. So I was journaling a lot, and I was thinking to Myself. Like, What if. Right. Like, I journal a lot. I could just put on paper, right? I used to journal in the morning. Now I'm journaling three times a day.
- [78:10]
B
Damn.
- [78:10]
A
Like I'm writing a whole section in a notebook. In two weeks, I got a notebook with five subjects.
- [78:15]
B
Okay.
- [78:16]
A
Like, this notebook's got two subjects left because I'm just journaling, journaling, journaling. I forgot what I was going to tell you, but you've been doing a.
- [78:26]
B
Lot more to get your head right, you said.
- [78:27]
A
Yeah, I had to. I had to because I had so much. You have all this noise coming in your fucking head, and you have to start playing judge to what's important and what's not.
- [78:38]
B
Do you reread it after you write it or.
- [78:40]
A
Absolutely, absolutely. Like, when I go home now, I'll talk to Mercy, talk to Terry, and at one point, Terry goes up. I'll do 20 minutes on that notebook about how I'm feeling, how I'm adjusting to things, what I'm grateful for, the little things I'm grateful for, you know, so.
- [79:03]
B
And do you plan it or you just go and see what happens when I write it?
- [79:07]
A
Yeah, I have a plan with one thing that happened that made me write it, but then from flowing, your other will come out and you'll go, holy, that's pretty good. I could use it on stage, you know, And.
- [79:20]
B
And then, like, will you go back and read like last week's or it's.
- [79:23]
A
Pretty much burn it because I can't read the handwriting.
- [79:25]
B
That's hysterical.
- [79:26]
A
I write it so nobody else could read it. I put key words out so if somebody looks at it, they can't sell my.
- [79:33]
B
What are you talking about? You have your own, like, little code that you write your journal in. Yeah, that's hysterical.
- [79:38]
A
Somebody finds it, I don't want them to know I. You in the ass in Atlanta, you know what I'm saying?
- [79:43]
B
I thought that was between us.
- [79:45]
A
What do you.
- [79:45]
B
What do you do?
- [79:46]
A
What do you do? So what do you take out saying.
- [79:48]
B
Anything, you know, you like Lee, Atlanta.
- [79:50]
A
No, no, no. I'm just saying, like, when you do a comedy and you say you bomb in that notebook. There's a lot of shit I write in that notebook that people would read and go, what the fuck is wrong with this kid? I just have to make it like it's, it's. It's my attention. This is what I'm trying to fucking help out or something. Whatever the fuck I'm trying to do. I just journal. So when it comes to writing. It's easier. So if you journal every day, oh, I gotta write a joke now. It's a lot easier, right? Do you journal? That's it, brother.
- [80:20]
B
I love it, dude.
- [80:21]
A
Just getting older and better. You can't get older and worse. You got to get older and better. That's all we owe ourselves. Yeah, Every fucking day. Not a lot, just a little bit. Today I got to work at 8:03. We'll be there at 8:01 tomorrow. And by Thursday, I'll be that 7:59.
- [80:40]
B
Yeah, just like learning from your mistakes. Because it is annoying when you. When you make the same mistake over and over again.
- [80:48]
A
Call insanity. Yeah, I did that every day for 40 years, wanting a line of coke, thinking things are going to be different. They were the same. I owe for this coke. I had to rob somebody. And that's it. Yeah, you know, but we try. Now you're a doctor, we're having a good time. Not a doctor, but in my mind, we live like doctors.
- [81:09]
B
Yeah, that's what I meant.
- [81:10]
A
Give a. Because if you don't, then you have no boundaries for yourself. Your goal every day is to live like doctors. Today I went to the. I had to go to the doctor at 8:30 in the morning.
- [81:21]
B
Okay.
- [81:22]
A
And I took Terry with me because if the doctor talks, I don't remember a thing he says. When I get home, Terry's like, what do you say? I have no idea. Call him yourself. So she's like, I'm sick and tired of this. I'm going with you.
- [81:33]
B
What are you thinking about when he's talking? I feel like you just have like a. Like a Metallica song in your head.
- [81:37]
A
I'm just. Get me out of here. What's all this you're beating for? Well, the meniscus is going to rub against the. Just fix the knee. You're not telling me nothing. Just fix the knee. Yeah, it's like when you go to somebody's house. Let me show you the master bedroom. Let's see the kitchen. Let's see what's in the refrigerator. And let's go to the living room and see the snacks. Why don't we start with the snacks? Focus on what's important to your fucking bathroom. And look at your bedroom. Get the fuck out of here. Oh, like Maury, remember in Goodfellas and this took six months? I'm not going to do that. I'll show you my toilet with a shit stain in the middle. You think about that right there. That's what happens when you don't hang your balls on the other side. You shoot up on the top and it slides down.
- [82:19]
B
Oh, my God.
- [82:24]
A
What do you got this week there?
- [82:25]
B
This week? February 13th, Bedford Falls, 10pm Next week, I'm at Saratoga Comedy Works, headlining. The 21st and the 22nd.
- [82:34]
A
All right, Wednesday I'm at. Tomorrow I'm at the. It's the Best of the Dojo. I'm gonna stop by there. And I think Thursday is the Bucket show. Yes, it's sold out already, so who gives a fuck? So if you didn't get tickets, go fuck yourself. Come to the next one, go see who found that. If you didn't get tickets, go see. You kidnapped the fucking idiot's mother. That's fucking twat. I need this shit every fucking day on my TV. And we got February 28th, the roast of New Jersey. Myself, Donnell Rollins, Rich Voss, the chick with the tattoos, Bonnie. Bonnie McFarlane. We got a great little show. Tiki Barber and fucking Natalie Cuomo. And that's it, guys. That's all I got for you. Thank you for listening. I'm sorry I went off the rails. You know, like I said, if your mother was lost, they won't look for your mother, so fuck them. That's it. I love you guys. Stay black. Have a great week. We'll see you next week. Sam.