CVS gives you diabetes

Summary

Podcast Summary: "CVS Gives You Diabetes"

Podcast: The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament
Hosts: Joey Coco Diaz & Lee Syatt
Date: September 2, 2025

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Episode Overview

In this electric episode, Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt catch up live from NYC, diving into stories of relationships, wild adventures, and the changing seasons. Joey riffs on life’s absurdities, from the oddities of Renaissance Fairs to CVS’s candy aisles, weaving in his trademark gritty humor. The pair reflect on personal history, the small grievances of daily city life, and Joey’s outlook as fall approaches.

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Main Topics & Key Insights

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1. Lee’s Renaissance Faire Adventure

(03:00–08:00)

• Lee reveals he visited a Renaissance Faire for the first time, expecting Joey’s ridicule.
• Joey teases Lee about not dressing up and the eccentricities of attendees, including turkey legs, swords, and “freaky” women who love leather and adventure.
• Quote:

  “I feel like the Indian...when they saw the litter and he was crying, he had a little tear in his eye. It’s over.” — Joey (03:39)

• Discussion veers into the “types” of people at these events, jokes about pub crawls, and how Lee would have fared trying to flirt there.

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2. Tales of Relationships and Old Flames

(09:00–41:00)

• Joey takes Lee (and listeners) on a long, winding journey through his post-divorce love life.
  • Stories from comedy open mic days in Colorado, living in hotels, wild restaurant parties, and entanglements with various women, including recurring themes of heartbreak and misadventures.
  • Memorable anecdotes include:
    • Joey and a girlfriend breaking the bed during sex (09:40–10:46)
      • Quote:

        “That’s an accomplishment...when you break a bed.” — Joey (08:50)

    • His open mic & hotel party escapades—snorting coke and eating steak behind curtained vault doors.
    • Intensely personal tales of mutual betrayals, including messy love triangles and coincidental reunions.
      • “I get a call from the Korean girl...In my coked-out 30-year-old mind, I’m thinking threesome in this motherfucker, okay?” — Joey (32:39)
    • Hilarious digressions about sniffing bras and childhood mischief (49:45–54:03)

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3. Reflections on Fame, Privacy & Outsiders

(41:00–62:00)

• Joey vents about the lack of privacy as a public figure.
• Tells of a Sunday barbecue where a guest started secretly filming him—prompting a confrontation led by guests, particularly a "tough teacher" mom.
  • Quote:

    “I wasn’t angry, guys. I wasn’t angry. And I don’t feel...I was. Felt violated.” — Joey (55:31)

• Joey underscores that with fame, there’s a loss of personal boundaries—even at family gatherings. Concerns about clips out of context reaching the wrong people, especially sensitive topics or off-color jokes.

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4. Modern Manners & Daily Annoyances

(62:00–70:45)

• Joey and Lee swap stories about urban life annoyances—bad drivers, parking woes, and rudeness.
• Example: Lee’s altercation at a dispensary with an aggressive worker, illustrating how people are more “on edge.”
• Joey muses on hypocrisy and how everyone bends rules when convenient:
  • Quote:

    “We’re all hypocrites. When it’s you doing it, it’s okay. But when it’s everyone else, they’re fucking assholes.” — Joey (66:58)

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5. Candy, CVS, and the Modern American Diet

(70:46–73:40)

• Joey rants about Halloween candy appearing too early, and how CVS “doesn’t care about you”—selling multi-packs (“CVS gives you diabetes”).

• Details the decline of single-serve treats and the dangers of modern “sugar-free” products.

  • Quote:

    “CVS gives you diabetes. They care nothing about you. Sell me a single pack!...They sell you four.” — Joey (71:34)

• Lee confesses to sometimes caving to the allure of new Reese’s–Oreo hybrids, prompting more scolding.

• Notable banter: Joey gives Lee grief for his childlike food choices and reminds him to “have an apple or a protein bar!”

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6. NFL Season, Loyalty & Professionalism

(73:53–83:45)

• Joey gets fired up about football season starting—his favorite time of year.
• Rants about the importance of presentation and professionalism when representing yourself, especially for athletes and managers.
  • Quote:

    “You’re making a presentation. Why would you...show up with him? At least...your shoes are shine, and you look the part and you go in there.” — Joey (77:50)

• Recalls incidents with friends and agents showing up inappropriately for serious business, emphasizing that “there’s always a remedy...if you’re that tight with a guy, he’ll understand.”

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7. Tour Dates & Mental Health Reflections

(89:10–end)

• Joey and Lee promote upcoming shows in Florida, Philadelphia, Maryland, and Newtown, CT.
• Joey humorously describes his morning routine, including giving affection to his cat and planning the final “quarter” of the year.
• Brief, heartfelt reflection on mental health:
  • Discusses how therapy and self-work helped him feel “more free” after years of struggle and how it affected his stand-up.
  • Quote:

    “I feel like I think it got in the middle of my comedy for a while. It really did, because I remember being on stage and still...there’s some nights I can’t get through.” — Joey (98:14)

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8. Mushroom, Weed & Edible Escapades

(44:45–49:53)

• Joey recounts making “earth layer” weed brownies from a mix of old nugs.
• One party guest gets so high from them, she “…didn’t feel her legs.”
• Lee and Joey discuss wild edible experiences, how tolerance changes, and the unpredictability of homemade edibles.

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Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• “Lee, you’re done. Not for me…It’s over.” — Joey (03:29)
• “That’s an accomplishment…when you break a bed.” — Joey (08:50)
• “CVS gives you diabetes. They care nothing about you.” — Joey (71:34)
• “We’re all hypocrites. When it’s you doing it, it’s okay. But when it’s everyone else, they’re fucking assholes.” — Joey (66:58)
• “I wasn’t angry, guys…I was. Felt violated.” — Joey (55:31)
• “I feel like…mental health…got in the middle of my comedy for a while.” — Joey (98:14)

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Humor & Tone

The episode is a whirlwind of raw stories, relentless ball-busting, and affectionate insults between the hosts. Joey's style is no-holds-barred—mixing deeply personal memories with vivid, sometimes raunchy humor. Throughout, the rapport between Joey and Lee is warm and quick-witted, peppered with nostalgia and the realities of getting older.

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Summary Table of Key Segments

| Segment | Topics/Stories | Start Time | |--------------------------|--------------------------------------------------|------------| | Renaissance Fair | Lee’s first trip, Joey’s mockery, fair culture | 03:00 | | Relationship Tales | Joey’s wild love life, heartbreak, betrayals | 09:00 | | Fame & Privacy | Barbecue guest filming, reflection on boundaries | 41:00 | | Urban Life Annoyances | Driving, parking, city hypocrisy | 62:00 | | CVS & Candy Discussion | Halloween candy, “CVS gives you diabetes” | 70:46 | | NFL & Professionalism | Loyalty, football season, career stories | 73:53 | | Edibles & Parties | Weed brownies, high tales, party stories | 44:45 | | Mental Health Reflection | Comedy, therapy, recovery | 98:14 | | Tour Announcements | Upcoming shows, venues, ticket plugs | 103:21 |

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Final Thoughts

The episode captures Joey and Lee’s candid, rambunctious energy—mixing life lessons, raunchy nostalgia, and sharp city wisdom. Fans will hear about Renaissance Fairs, old flames, the perils of CVS snack aisles, and why you should always watch who’s recording at your next barbecue. At its core, it’s a comedic meditation on growing older, staying sharp, and finding a little joy—even if CVS only sells candy in four-packs.

Transcript

[A]

What's happening, beautiful people? Uncle Joey here with the Kato Kalin of podcasting, Lee Syed for another fun filled episode of the Church of what's Happening now, new edition. It's Tuesday, September 2nd. The rent is due and nobody wants to hear no excuses, you know what I'm saying? It's over. You had your cheeseburgers, you jumped up and down all weekend. Now it's reality time. And the next four months are the real deal, Holyfield. But before we get this started, we're going to talk to you about Bluechew. Because if you're going to get the year started, it's time to sling dick with three hands also. So here we go. We'll be right back. What's happening, beautiful people? Uncle Joe here, listen to me. It's fall, the leaves are changing and so is your fucking nutsack. We're going to resurrect that erection with Blue Chew. That's right. It's the original brand offering chewable tablets for better sex. And they're going to raise that dick back from the dead. Like my wrinkled up Cuban egg roll type of dick. You'll get the erection that are harder, they last longer and it gets the job done, Jack, you know what I'm saying? They're just laying there, just like that. The tablets taste like mint. I was just telling somebody. And you could take them at any time, day or night. I ate one for breakfast the other day, you know what I'm saying? That's how I'm rolling. Get yourself a subscription so. So you can be stocked up to stay up, listen. And we got a special deal for our listeners. We love you, so we're trying to take care of you before Halloween comes. Before Christmas. We want you to sling dick. So at least Christmas you got a girlfriend that just sits there and goes, you know, let's do it, baby. It's too easy to get you. The first month of Bluechew is free. That's right, I said free. Just use promo code Joey at checkout and pay five bucks. That's it. It's that easy? Five bucks for shipping. That's it. Join Blue Shoe's mission to upgrade humanity one thrust at a time. We need more kids in China. Head to bluechew.com for details and safety info. And thank you to Bluechew for sponsoring the podcast. And Bluechew is a great product that will help you. If it can help me, an old geezer, it'll help you too. Bluechew.com ham what's happening, beautiful people? Anyway, what's up, Lee?

[B]

Dude, I have a. So I. Sometimes I know you're gonna. With me and it's like a. It's like an early Christmas gift I'm gonna give to you. Do you want it now or do you want it in a little bit?

[A]

What?

[B]

Like. I know I. I did something this weekend that you're.

[A]

You might.

[B]

This might be the last podcast.

[A]

I. I could just imagine. What did you do? What stupid stuff did you do? This is the.

[B]

And it was actually not bad, but I just. You're in my head. I went. I went to the Renaissance Fair for the first time.

[A]

I know you did. Did you dress up like an idiot?

[B]

No, I didn't do that.

[A]

Did you get a turkey leg?

[B]

I did not. I was going to. I was going to, but it looked fucking stupid. But it was. Dude, it was.

[A]

Lee, you're done. You might as well. Not for me. You could come on the podcast every Monday. Oh, thank you. You. You personally. You're done. It's over. You might as well just. It's over.

[B]

What's done? I went for one for six hours. I will say it was pretty fun. Although you would have.

[A]

I feel like the Indian. Remember when we were kids, the Indian, when they saw the litter and he was crying, he had a little tear in his eye. It's over. What's over? I feel like that Indian. I'm surprised a tear is not gonna come out of my eye right now.

[B]

You would have had a good time.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Dressed up with a bunch of barbarians.

[B]

Oh, dude.

[A]

Fucking walking around with a sword.

[B]

You should have seen all the people.

[A]

Grown fucking men with swords.

[B]

A lot of them.

[A]

And a lot of those women, though, suck dicks. You bought your girlfriend, so what good is it? Those Bavarian women, you walk around with a sword. Hey, they suck your helmet.

[B]

Oh, they had a lot.

[A]

You bring your girlfriend with you? And they're dirty and stinky, too.

[B]

I was mad that I never went when I was a single chubby dude who likes chubby girls? Because they. Dude, it was.

[A]

And they're all retarded, those girls. You could talk them into anything. You could talk them into anything. Listen, we'll come to my house. We're going to take a flight to France tonight.

[B]

But they're like, freaky.

[A]

They like.

[B]

They have like leather stuff. They like.

[A]

Oh, yeah, they're fucking full bona fide freaks. Runaways. They run away from somewhere, you know, the Chinese, their house. The Russians, they ran away.

[B]

Dude, you should have gone, because it was.

[A]

I would go.

[B]

You have to go for Five minutes.

[A]

I wouldn't fucking go to that shit. I lived in Colorado, and there was one. Not in Boulder. There was one like, in. Not in Boulder. It was up in, like, Longmont, where all those animals lived back then. Now Longmont's like, beautiful and shit, but 30 years ago, it was like, animals and people with warrants, people. People wouldn't be allowed in Florida lived in Longmont. And fucking. They had that shit. I remember I had to go pick up a car one day, and I sat there going, what the fuck is. I'm from Jersey. Who comes to this shit? They're out there. Yay. Yay. With swords. And.

[B]

Oh, they said hazar a lot.

[A]

They have the sticks and they. Oh, that was cool.

[B]

They had. They had jousting. I did see jousting with the horses. That was the best part, is they had jousting. The rest of it, like, I did archery, too. I. I shot a bow and arrow. I did actually pretty good. Oh, yeah. Oh, no, I didn't. I shot. I shot a target. But, dude, there were some fucking, like, just people with, like, masks. Like, there was basically, like, furries. It wasn't just.

[A]

They're crazy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And they all in a sudden.

[B]

But they're having a great time. And I felt bad making fun of them because, like, they're not messing with anybody.

[A]

They don't mess with nobody. Nice people. You know, it's 80 degrees and you're dressed up with a fucking joustu. Something ain't right on a Sunday.

[B]

And they take it real serious.

[A]

Maybe your kids don't love you. I don't know who goes there. If you got a family, who goes there?

[B]

There were a lot of families there.

[A]

I know. Particip. Not, but not people. Like, it's like. It's like a flying circus for dirty white people.

[B]

Right?

[A]

Okay. You ever go, like, a circus, and there's always a chick with the missing hand and the guy with the one eye who can see through the wall.

[B]

Usually it's like the bearded woman and the fat man. I would love to see your. Sounds like a much better circus.

[A]

The person with the missing hand, whatever. They always got some freak show.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, they were. And, like, they were just going around like, oh, this is one that. I thought you would have killed people. People paid to go in and do a pub crawl there. So they were just walking around in a line of, like, 30 people. And, like, they would. They would take. They took a bathroom break. We were smoking a joint. We were just watching them, and they were taking bath, like, A break and waiting for people to go to the bathroom. They were telling jokes and this one old guy was there and probably told like six of the dirtiest like hand job jokes around like kids and like old people and was like bombing on the pub. But they paid money to go drink beer. At this point.

[A]

The guy was doing stand up.

[B]

No, he was doing like knock knock.

[A]

Jokes on a microphone.

[B]

No, just out and out in a group of people. Like five or six people. Like, hey, pub crawl. Hey, pub crawl. Hey, pub crawl. And then they go. And then they take turns doing jokes. And this one guy, I could just. Because I. I see it at open mics all the time. But I can just tell that he wants to do stand up but just.

[A]

Basically gave him a lesson. I did think about various. You could have gone on the Bavarian tour and done all the festivals with a turkey leg in your hand and a VD cure than the other. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

I don't. I got it. The woman there. Even if I was single, the women, like they're the kind of women that like, they're kind of tough. Like they might. They'll probably be able to beat me.

[A]

Tough. Just define tough. Because they had. They like them out of the car.

[B]

Huh.

[A]

I don't.

[B]

I've never thought about throwing anybody out.

[A]

Of the car before. Up. You kick them out of the car.

[B]

Is the car moving?

[A]

No, you're talking to them on the block. Yeah, it's moving. Why kick somebody out of the car if the car's sitting there?

[B]

Oh, but they were just fine.

[A]

I don't know. Remember.

[B]

Do you remember? Do you ever meet Milkshake or you. I just told you about Milkshake and.

[A]

I never met Milkshake. I just got the optical.6 foot 300.

[B]

There were a lot of them.

[A]

You told me you broke the bed.

[B]

Yeah, we broke the bed. That was a.

[A]

That's tremendous.

[B]

That's a good.

[A]

That's a accomplishment that when you break a bed. That's got to be. I'm not a good. So me either.

[B]

I was just bitten.

[A]

I'm a good eater, but I'm not a good.

[B]

You No, I didn't say I was good at it, but I did. This was like part of my heaviest or on the way there. And this girl in LA was 300ish. Her grandpa was a little lineman in the NFL and you could tell like it was his descendants. And I had to get. I. I bought on Amazon like metal reinforced legs for my bed. My. Because I had wooden legs on my Bed. And there was just one night. I heard crunch. And it would. And then, like, it would. As you go up and down the bed. It. It. So my neighbor started to complain, so I. I had to buy reinforced legs. And I didn't. But I still got probably, like, 50 pounds heavier.

[A]

And she broke the bed.

[B]

I don't want to put it on her. I think I was probably involved, too.

[A]

Big man, for saying that.

[B]

Thank you. Yeah. No, it wasn't just.

[A]

So you were in the middle of having sex and the bed just broke.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Did you at least break character and look at each other and go. Or did you just keep fucking knocking it off?

[B]

Probably still. And we, like. I didn't fix it then either. Like, it took a couple of weeks. Like, I'm cheap. I don't want to fix it.

[A]

You're going to break it all over again.

[B]

I tried to put the leg back. Like, I would try to put the wooden one back, and I tried to, like, screw that one in. Like, I tried everything I could to save the 12 bucks on the legs on.

[A]

But it didn't work.

[B]

And they started to knock on the ceiling. I was like, fuck, I got it.

[A]

I never did that. Like, the only time that I was fucking embarrassed was I used to date a girl, and she had a roommate, and I was about 91. I was 28, 29, and they were like, 24. They had just graduated from Kansas, and it was. All three of them had graduated from Kansas, and they knew each other in Kansas. And my girl was cute, but the fucking other girl was really cute, and she was Asian, and she was a nasty bitch. And he would fuck her at night, and I'd have to cover my girlfriend's ears. I was so embarrassed. He was rocking that side of the house.

[B]

Oh, damn.

[A]

I couldn't rock it like that.

[B]

Yeah, that does suck.

[A]

Like, eight times. And I just look at her like, yeah, I come quick. I'm not one of those, Charlie. I'm the.

[B]

Oh, no, that's rough.

[A]

With the roommate, house was rocking. Like, I'd have to do three lewds and an eight wall to get my dick to work like that.

[B]

I'm surprised you didn't just, like, leave the house and be like, you want to go get, like, an ice cream or something like this.

[A]

I cover her ears. I wouldn't let her listen to this, because if I was abroad and I heard somebody fucking like that, I'd just get up later.

[B]

Yeah, that's.

[A]

You know how black girls put their hand in your face? I don't know if they still do that. What's her name? Cardi B. Whatever.

[B]

Cardi B. Yeah.

[A]

If I was Carly B. You're like with this big ass. Yeah, I'm gonna lay here with a three pump Joey shit. I'm going next door and getting some real dick. Move over China. Woo. I'm getting on top of that fucking pogo stick. China.

[B]

Woo.

[A]

Yeah, she was Korean though. But she smelled Chinese. Oh my God, she's a good egg. They were good eggs, man. That was a wild, wild time in my life. Wild. Like I had gotten separated in October and I stayed single as a fucking judge. Like I didn't even look at another woman. I was separated and I was Catholic. I was still doing coke. No, I was kind of clean at that time. I had just come back from New York where George and I did a 10 day stint in a white detective car that was always a great one. Trying to go to Harlem and get a bag of weed. I didn't even know when I rented it. It hurts. They gave me this car and I'm like, this looks like a cop car. That's until I went to the fucking city. And I'm driving around the city. Hey, what do you got? Nothing for you. The fuck?

[B]

Did it have the light and everything on the front?

[A]

No, it was just like an undercover one.

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

And I'm out of tape choice. Please help me out. I can't buy nothing. I'm flashing $300 bills. I'm fucking. I got gold watch. Nobody wants to help me.

[B]

That's hysterical.

[A]

By Yankee Stadium. I had to go to Yankee Stadium.

[B]

How long did it take you to realize that it was the car?

[A]

Honestly? Yeah, like two days. I was so fucked up. I didn't even. I went hard those weeks because I remember I stayed out of north bergen for like six nights. I was here for 10 days, probably September 10th, like the 20th. And I had these. I had tons of credit cards that I had never used. And my wife said, take a credit card and go have some fun. And I was like, fun. And I'm like, I only got like 3 cash. And I discovered cash advances and they, you know, they're like worse than a loan shark. But I didn't give a fuck. I was picking. I was taking 100 out of there a day. Buying coke in the daytime and then taking another hundred at night charging meals. I got back, I lasted about a month. And that's when she said she wanted to get separated. I didn't do shit for two months. December 18th was when she told Me, I'm dating. I go, you're dating, motherfucker? That's all I need. That same night, I went and won a contest and got a package and started working this fucking waitress. I worked her for, like, three days before Christmas. She's like, I got a boyfriend after breakfast. After I took her to breakfast. Got you. She said, I got a boyfriend. What the fuck? Hotter than fuck. I went back to the club that night, and I met another girl, and we started talking, and she goes, I'm going home for Kansas. When I get back, I'll call you. And I'm like, this chick ain't gonna call me. She fucking called, like, the 3rd of January.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

And it was that girl. And she went back. Her father owned the fucking hotel. He owned four of them. And I did comedy at the one. I'm like, I'm. I would go. And she was living at the hotel like Zsa Zsa Gabor at the time. And her girlfriend was living at the hotel. And at first, I hadn't dated nobody in six years. I didn't even know how to act.

[B]

But you didn't even want to, like, date date. You wanted to hold up.

[A]

So we would do comedy on Tuesdays, and her and I would. And 20 waitress. This is why I love comedy. This is the thing about comedy you love. It wasn't a comedy club, but at that time, it was run by, like, one, right? Just Tuesday nights. And we would all go there. We'd do comedy. We closed that bar, which closed at 12, and then we'd go out in Boulder, and we'd go to a karaoke place over by the other side of Boulder. I'll never forget going in there and listening to Michael Jackson with them. And some of them were just regular drinking. Half of us were doing coke. Like, the other half was doing coke already.

[B]

What half were you?

[A]

And I started dating this girl, like, January, like, just taking her out to dinners. And everything was going well at the time. All the credit cards were in full effect. So I'm out every fucking night with this chick I met the. She owned a. Her family owned a broker in. In Boulder, but they had four different banks, four different restaurants. One of the restaurants, guys, was one of the finest ideas I ever went to my wife in my life. It was called the Broker Woman's Bank. I don't think you can look it up. I think they sold it, like, 30 years ago. First of all, this restaurant, as soon as you walked in, my boys in Vegas give you French fries.

[B]

Ooh, yeah, right.

[A]

STK SDK, whatever. The steakhouse, they give you French fries. Chinese people give you the noodles to dip. This place gave you a big bowl of peel and eat shrimp.

[B]

What?

[A]

Listen, now, I don't want it like now. I normally shit blood and get Katrina germs, but 30 years ago, when you're dating a chick and you're trying to impress and they show up with a fucking shrimp bowl. So any of the four restaurants you went to, soon as you got there, what are you drinking? Whiskey, tonic, whatever, soda, boom, they come right back with bread and a fucking bowl of shrimp.

[B]

I've never even seen that before.

[A]

Fucking floating.

[B]

Cocktail sauce.

[A]

Cocktail sauce. It was nice setup. All the restaurants were cool. Let me talk to you about the woman's bank. The woman's bank was a bank. So you ate in the fucking rooms where you take the money out in the vaults.

[B]

Oh, shit.

[A]

Dog talk to me. That's badass. So you were gone. It was a curtain. This is 1991. At 92, let's take it down. And there was already had curtains. So the guy would knock, oh, I'm bringing in the steaks. Okay, open. And then he leave and you could get back to fucking and sucking and snorting. We were snorting there for dessert, though.

[B]

No, you wouldn't.

[A]

Yes, I would. I went there till about 1995.

[B]

Why'd you stop?

[A]

Because I fell in love with that restaurant. The concept of going to a restaurant, eating a steak. Guy closes the curtain. You take a gram of blowout and you do three fucking for desserts and an espresso and a Heineken. And you're hot to trot. You're in fucking. It wasn't downtown Denver. It was like. Because he had them all over. He had like downtown south Denver. This fucking was brilliant. This was brilliant. And the restaurant in Boulder was known for. There was a place up the corner. And you can look this fucking thing up. And George is my witness. There was a place called. It was on Arapaho Boulevard. And it was called. What was it? Friday Fac. It was called the Friday Afternoon Club. And it was a hotel because every single person. This is the fucking 80s.

[B]

And still there.

[A]

What's the name of it still there? The Boulder Broker. Yeah, it's in Boulder. Yeah, but they sold it 18 times.

[B]

And they were 70 years restaurant. No, he's talking about the Friday Afternoon Club.

[A]

No, the Friday Afternoon Club is broke. Yeah, Broker's still there because I reached out to them, they reached out to me. The waits there and they're like, hey, we're young, we go to college. Would you ever consider doing a show here? And I'm like, fuck, yeah.

[B]

Oh, that'd be great.

[A]

And they reached out and goes, the fuck? And they kiboshed it.

[B]

Old bank from 1910.

[A]

They could bash it because I threw the fucking manager against the bookshelf.

[B]

When.

[A]

I got fired from that job.

[B]

And there's. And they won't. Are you serious?

[A]

Oh, you know.

[B]

Is he still there?

[A]

I don't think so, dawg. We ran. You understand? That was my open mic days. That was the very beginning of open mic. And I didn't know how to act. I won the contest. December 18th and January 3rd, they made me the house MC. And every Tuesday, I would be there for 18 months. And I'll never forget, like, after I was there eight months, if you guys know anything about me. After I was there for 18 months, I basically did what I want. They had an all. You could eat lunch. And I would just go to every day. The soups were the best in the country, right? But they had homemade rice Krispie treats. I would eat the whole tray. The lady would come out and go, joey, I made you fresh batch. That's how I was juiced in there. I could. Even after her and I broke up, I go to that hotel at night and go, I need a room. And a room around the back. You know what room it is. Clean up the sheet and leave a 50 for the waitstaff, for the. For the thing. I could go back there and stalk coke. Nobody would know by myself. I had that fucking place wired. I knew the chefs, I knew the wait staff. I knew the whole time. Eight months. So think of the last eight months, I was just doing. I still remember New Year's Eve. There was a band, and I talked them into paying me like 300 bucks. Like I was a big shot. 300 bucks on New Year's Eve after doing comedy two years. And I talked them into. They paid me 300 bucks to bomb. I still remember people were trying to get on the elevator. Me and my buddies were on the fourth floor with the alarm on, snorting coke, and people were banging on the elevator for 30 minutes. We came down to the first floor and everybody was there. The fire department, the fucking. And we come out with powder all over our face. It was insane what we were doing there. So the last three months, they really wanted me out. They just were looking for an excuse.

[B]

And the elevator wasn't it.

[A]

The elevator was still there, but I wasn't.

[B]

No, but that seems like an excuse to kick you out.

[A]

I did the craziest things in there. I was swapping spit with a chick one night, fucked up by the ice cube machine. And something made me look at the ice cube machine and I popped my head up and I took an ice cube and I just opened her pants and put the ice cube in a pussy and then took it out and popped it in my mouth and started swapping spitting with her. That chick almost fainted. You know what I'm saying? And I was only 20, I was only 30. I was doing crazy shit like that. That woman almost fainted. She's like, I never did something like that before. I did some crazy stuff in that hotel.

[B]

And forgive me, because. Was this the hotel that your ex girlfriend lived at too, at the time?

[A]

All right. She lived in there from December, January, and then February and maybe March. Then she found an apartment.

[B]

And when did you guys break up?

[A]

We didn't. I kept dating her in that apartment. This is gonna take you deep. So this is 92, and she's living upstairs with the Korean girl. And they're living in this apartment and I'm dating the brunette and this is a crazy story. And the other kid's dating the Korean girl and we're double dating. They're coming to my comedy shows and I'm falling in love with this girl. I was, after my divorce, she was the only sanity I had. I was just getting yelled at every time I talked to my ex wife, this girl. And she didn't know I did drugs, guys. And when I got too gacked up, I would just cancel on her if I went out while she was waitressing. Because her father made a waitress. She was no manager. Her father made a waitress. So I would go out while she was waitressing to do comedy and other things. If I got too fucked up, she'd, whatever, call me at home and I'd tell her I'm too tired. I'd be fucked up with a chick in the house. But I knew she was a drink, so she wouldn't come over. Like, I lived in Arvada then. 40 minutes away from Boulder. I was living with my cousin George Coelho, right? You guys never met. His name is Al Coelho. I grew up with him. As a kid, he had a bad pill problem. I would sit in the living room.

[B]

I just love.

[A]

I would sit.

[B]

Sorry this poor guy let you live with him.

[A]

I would sit in the living room in the daytime, at night, watching Goodfellasism. And he'd wait for his wife to go to sleep. Then he'd look for the pills. He'd hide and he'd forget where he put them. And I'd move him around, you know. You know, I needed somebody else to torture once I didn't see George anymore. And he would come down the stairs, Nick. He would come down the stairs, fucked up. And he would wait for his wife to fall asleep. And he'd come down the stairs and his wife put little vases, like little candle things, but the candles would run out and he would hide the pills in them. And he would come down every step and go. He had like nine steps.

[B]

Why was he hiding the pills?

[A]

Because his wife was a pill head.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

They were hiding pills from each other. You cannot believe this shit. When I got into it so my only sanity was this girl. Until I could finally fucking own an apartment or something. I was divorced. My wife took my fucking silverware and everything. So I was. I think, no, no, I'm lying to you guys. I wasn't living without yet. I was still in my apartment with nothing. A TV on a milk crate. And I sat on a milk crate and there was a vcr. And I had a bed with no.

[B]

Box spring.

[A]

No box spring. It was just a mattress thrown on the floor. With a sheet that I never washed. Oh, and a sheet on top of me and a pillow that I just flipped over every other month. Come on, dog. I'm 30, I'm single. You want me to tell you I'm, you know, Michael Jordan, that my house was immaculate? I never cooked in that house.

[B]

I never did nothing, thank God.

[A]

So I never brought anybody over there. I would just go to this girl's house. So I got into comedy. I was doing well at the club, meeting people and fucking at a wedding in August. This girl says to me, I'm moving back to fucking New York. Like after a year and a half, just out of nowhere, out of nowhere, she goes. I took a job with a PR company in New York City. And I'm like, what? But in the back of my head, I'm happy. But in the meantime, me and the Korean girl have become tired of the motherfucker friends the girl wanted. She was into comedy, so she'd go to my comedy shows with me. We went to see Seinfeld, went to see somebody else. And then she needed a job. And I'm like, come work with me. Selling cars. That bitch was. Me and her were banging out in that place. 14 cars a month. She would sell 14 cars a month. So we kind of got tight. So this nice girl at this wedding Tells me she's leaving, like September 8th of 92, she's moving to New York. And I'm like, what the fuck am I going to do without her? But you ain't going to believe this. China wu's boyfriend, he decides he wants to go into master's to get his master's degree, but at Washington State. And China Wu told him, I ain't going to Washington state. I don't like fucking Seattle. So I'm like, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun dun.

[B]

Joey's here.

[A]

They both left in September to go back to their prospective things. And her and I stayed tight, friends. Like friends. And then like two months later, I went to do comedy with her one night, and she was Korean. When she drank, she lost her fucking mind. And to top it off, she was a fucking 12. And one night in the car, she goes, rip off my shirt. I'm like, dog, she's like, rip off every sheet of clothes on me and fuck me. And I did it. And then I go, how are you going to go into the club with me? She goes, I won't. I'm going to wait. And she put my winter jacket on and just took a nap in the accurate. And I back out, though. He was crazy. And when I brought her home, her gay brother was living with her. And I didn't know that the brother was coming from Kansas. I'll never forget walking up with her and her shirt was ripped. Beautiful, brand new shirt. And he looked at me and he goes, you're up to that again, aren't you? And I'm like, ooh. I thought this chick, this chick was crazy. And she had the white boy confused. But she knew I was crazier, so she took me into the deep waters of the underworld. And then she's like, I want to do this cocaine shit with you. And that was. I don't have to tell you what happened after that, Doug. We went on like a three month tear, dawg. She would pick up. It would be me and her and we'd pick up my daughter. Like, I wouldn't bring her to see my wife. Like, that's how much I was in. The white girl was done. I didn't want to see it. I only talked to her out of like, I don't even know what I'm talking to. You're in New York. You know why are you still here, right? Cause I got the Korean girl and we're doing shit to you never even dreamed of doing. The Korean girl was crazy and she just moved into my House. It was fucking insane.

[B]

With Al or your old house?

[A]

Now I was living with a roommate of mine, Maddie. And she was always there at night. She would just come over and put his shirt on and walk around naked. I'm like, oh, my God. And I'm 30. I'm 29.

[B]

How long after the divorce?

[A]

A year. And nobody knew. I kept on the hush hush.

[B]

But to have a hot girlfriend is.

[A]

Like, you're like, oh, my God.

[B]

God has answered my prayers.

[A]

She comes to me in December and says, I got bad news.

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

I go, tell me you're pregnant, because I'll marry you right now. Fuck, I need a baby mama like you to keep me on my toes. She goes, no, I got a job in Korea translating for $20,000 a month.

[B]

That's a pretty good job, bro.

[A]

I was fucking heartbroken. Yeah, heartbroken. And in the meantime, I'm calling him for support, and he's never home. Where's George? We don't know. Fuck is George call tonight? I'm calling him for four or five weeks. He's never fucking home. And I left. Grandma, tell him to call me, okay?

[B]

He never called you?

[A]

I called him and his mother goes, he's fucking nuts. Come back here. Help me out with this savage. And the rest was history. Then I came back here and I hooked up with the white girl in the city. She knows nothing. We're in love. Like, nothing happened. And I'm having a great time because she lives in the West Village on 15th street in a prime little apartment. Her and her girlfriend rent an apartment. 1500amonth. I had a banger in the kitchen and a little floor on my knees. It was just little. I remember when I was banging and a mouse went by, I'm like, oh, my God, this is my type of party. Another night. Oh, do. I got a story for you. I go over there. They used to do comedy on 15th street and Broadway. She lived right next door to Susan Sarandon. Susan Sarandon and the actor lived right next door. And it was Manhattan. Honda was on the corner, and down the corner was 15th street, and it was Goodfellas Pizza. And there was a bar across the street that did comedy. So. So I would go to her house, eat pizza, and then we'd go do comedy. It was Buckwild. One night, I decided to take my friends from North Bergen over there. You know the one. God damn it. The one that make you feel all right. You know what I'm saying? I take him over there. That dude. I take him over there. He's gay, gagged, gagged, drinking Heineken's. I'm like, look at my boy. And. And next thing you know, he's making out with a girl. She had a thing. You know when girls put the thing on their head and they have long hair? He came out of the backstage wearing it and gave zero fucks. Politician in our hometown. That's how fucked. And he's like, this place is fun. And I'll never forget that there was a hot, I mean, hot black chick. This is 1990, this is 1993. And there's a black dude and he's working this fucking. Working this chick. And the girl kept saying, I'm telling you, I'm a comedian, I want to be single. And he's be like, what's your man got to do with me? And he kept saying it to her, like, listen. I mean, he was.

[B]

And what would she say?

[A]

Like, she's like, God damn it, I can't get away from these guys. Because we love you, sister. What's your man got to do with me? And then she finally said, I got a man, I'm engaged. What's your man got to do with me?

[B]

It's a crazy thing that I think.

[A]

You got to go get pizza with him and shit. But that was the best night. I just remembered that. But in this whole scheme of things, this girl's in Korea.

[B]

Oh, Jesus Christ.

[A]

And now I'm in love with the white girl. I'm living in Cliffside. I'm taking the bus over there. I'll never forget, I was broke. That's why I robbed the chick with the barbecue, because I was going over there to take her out. So everything was getting along. I would go over there once a week, take her to get pizza. We'd do comedy maybe two nights a week. I'd give a stabbing because she had a roommate and I didn't have a place to take her. Do you know I get a call one day, things are going great, I'm driving a limo, I'm doing spots in the city. At least I got a little income, guys. I'm snorting coke, I'm having the time of my life. I get a call from the Korean girl. I just want to let you know I'll be in New York on Tuesday and I'm staying with Julie. And I'm like, oh, shit. And in my coked out 30 year old mind, I'm thinking threesome in this motherfucker, okay?

[B]

And Julie's the white girl.

[A]

Julie's the white girl, okay? The other girl's the Korean girl. So I called my friend Stinky. He's good looking. And I go, you're coming with me to the city. And Stinky was one of those dudes that he was so good looking at the time. He didn't get, you know, like, he didn't even pay attention. I'll never forget. The Korean girl goes. I go, what do you girls want to do? And the Korean girl, we're driving. Stinky's driving. We're on Broadway. Me and him just picked up like, two eight balls. They don't know it. The girls don't know it. We picked up the coke first, then we picked them up, and we're driving. And the girl goes. I go, what do you girls want to do? And the one Asian girl goes, how about we buy a beer with a brown bag and stand on the corner? And Glenn Contney looks at me and he goes, how about I pull over and throw you out? And he goes, I ain't standing on no corner. He was already. He was like, no, I don't want them in the car. And now she wants to stand in the corner with a fucking, you know, brown bag, like to be cool. That's not gonna happen. If you want, I'll pull over. You can stand in the corner all night if you want. So we went to a couple clubs. It didn't. It didn't click. You could feel there was something in the air.

[B]

Did both girls think they were on a date with you at this time?

[A]

I was with the white girl, okay? And I brought Glenn to talk to the Chinese girl, the Korean girl. So the night ends, great. We drop them off. I make plans with the white girl to come into the city. I meet her at CBS building. She worked right by CBS with a fountain, whatever. Because one time I brought her roses. And the alarm system went off. I went through the back door and the alarm system went off. I had to run down the stairs. Dog, please. We do this thing. I hook up with the white girl. We go out for a date. I go, where's the Korean? She goes, she's with her somewhere in Brooklyn with her family. She's leaving Sunday. I'm like, all right. So now I'm trying to get ahold of the Korean to see if I could dig into that again. And I get a hold of the Korean, but, dog, she ain't budging. I'm like, why don't you come over? I'll take you to Rudy's. Whatever. Okay? I go over, I take the girl out and I'm trying to work this Asian chick. Sunday night, I call the white chick and I go, did the Korean leave? And she goes, yeah, she went back to Korea. Or she's going to Kansas to see her family and she's going to Korea. She was adopted. Monday, I'm driving a limo. I just dropped a motherfucker off. And I'm on 9W pick, picking up the reels. The 5:30 news. You would pick it up in Edgewater. Not Edgewater, Fort Lee. You would pick up. They would pay me 35 bucks. You pick up the evening news and you bring it to CBS or NBC or whoever. I'll never forget. I go to make the left turn and the white girl calls me, crying, and she's like, you motherfucker, I can't believe what you did to me. You've been cheating with her. And I go, who the fuck told you that? She goes, she just called me and ratted you out. And herself out. She goes, I'm never gonna talk to her again. I'm never gonna talk to you again. And hung up on me. And then a week later, I brought her flowers. That's when the alarm system. I never want her back. End of story. I go back to Boulder. I'm doing comedy. 18 months, I don't hear from nobody. I'm doing comedy. I meet a stripper and Michigan. She tells me she wants to go to Seattle. She comes to meet me first. Whatever, we hook up. She goes to Seattle, gets an apartment. I follow her. I'm there eight months, bro. I'm in the fucking U district. Do you guys see where this is going? Oh, no. I'm in the fucking U district and it's 1996. And I just hooked up with my weed girl from Boulder from 1985 at a supermarket. She was 70 and he was 30. But she had so much money, he just kept fucking her and fell in love. She smells. She was old. I go to her house to buy weed. Cause I'm going to that movie theater. I'm right in the U district. The U district is the fucking university district where Bruce Lee had a kung fu school and everything. I crossed the fucking thing. And as I crossed to go get whatever. Who's pumping gas in this car, Paul? The Korean girls fiance, the dude who went to Washington state to get his original.

[B]

Oh, shit. Oh, because you're in Seattle now.

[A]

Four years later. I forgot all about Washington. I'm looking. He's looking at me, bro. As I walk up to him, I put my hand out and Dog, this is. Two years later. This kid started crying. You don't understand how much I loved her. I can't believe you fucked her. I loved her. I was gonna get. He goes, I was gonna go home and propose to her, dog, for like a week. I felt like dog shit. Wait.

[B]

Oh, I thought they were broken up. They weren't broken up either.

[A]

No, they just, you know, they left it open and they saw each other. They were in love and. But she waited, like, guys, like, a week. That motherfucker wasn't even. He didn't even get an apartment. And she was already. I was already having relations with him.

[B]

That is pretty quick.

[A]

But that's.

[B]

Yeah, that's crazy.

[A]

How crazy is that? And he. I, dog, I hugged him. I gave him my number.

[B]

I.

[A]

You know, I go, listen, man, we were all in a bad position. And he's like, she was a fucking whore. And she just started crying and crying. I'm like, no, she wasn't a whore. You left. Julie left. You put us in a fucking bad position. You know, I tried that hand. He kept crying.

[B]

People tend to do that.

[A]

No, I felt really fucking bad.

[B]

I know.

[A]

I know what I intended to do. I didn't think they were gonna get back together. She was crazy. She was hot, smart, filthy smart, and fucking crazy. Like, I would pick my daughter up and then have to pick her up. And dog, if my daughter fell asleep, she'd say, what we doing? And I go, we're in a fucking car. Like, are you fucking crazy? With my kid in the back? Like, that's how out there she was.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, yeah, you messed up. But it's also. If she. She was gonna do that with somebody, it's not like it was like, only you. Listen, we all have changed.

[A]

Persuasion. I never thought anything of myself to even get myself in that position. But between the drugs and the fucking missing the white girl and all that shit, that's what happens. I'm not copping. I'm not. You know, I was wrong, dude, but.

[B]

Going through a breakup is tough.

[A]

Looking at it now, yeah, I fucked up big time.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I can't find that girl today.

[B]

Which one?

[A]

The Korean one. Reached out to me in 2000. Here's the funny thing. You ready? Ladies and gentlemen, the Korean reached out to me. When the Longest Yard came out on latino.com, latinocomediens.com, there was a private messaging. Yeah, it was Gabriel Iglesias and the kid Jimmy, from El Paso's website. And she left me a message going, ready? How you Doing Congratulations. I always knew this is what you wanted. Please don't email me back. Nothing disgusting. Because you know, we were crazy when we spoke. It was crazy shit. And she goes, I share this email with my husband. She goes, I married a Cuban guy and I live in North Bergen, New Jersey. And my kids go to Robert Fulton. And I've always wanted to ask Rago's ex wife what happened to them. This is 2005, 20 years ago. The girls are gone. The girls got to be in college. They just graduated college.

[B]

And you never responded, like nicely, like.

[A]

I could not respond because she emailed me through a website, right? Didn't really give me her email.

[B]

Got it.

[A]

She thought I had her email. And every time I come back I was like, maybe I go to Robert Fulton and find out where she's at to say hello to her kids. She married a Cuban dude and lives in Cuban and Korean.

[B]

That's wild. She has a type.

[A]

They're probably your age, Nick. 91. So. Nah. Because this is 2005. So. Yeah, Robert Fulton. That's crazy, guys. So let me tell you about my fucking weekend. Just so you motherfuckers know, I love you guys and I love people, but there's a line in Goodfellas that I heard when I first went to see that movie. And my head blew up because that's exactly who I am. And since then, so this is 1991, and I was always like that before that. And the line was, we always hung out, but there was never no outsiders. Never no outsiders. People do what the fuck they want to do. When I was 20, I'd tell you, send your cousin home and you go home with him. I was one of those guys, there's somebody in north Birmingham I love dearly, but I could not hang out with him because he always brought his younger cousin. What we were involved in, I didn't want that kid to see, you know what I'm saying? Like, the cops come, he's gonna talk, okay? I would say it like differently. Like, I wanted to protect the kid, but I knew they're from a different generation. We're 18, living like gangsters. And he would bring the 16 year old kid and the kid and you know, he doesn't do coke. And then the kid behind his back, come on, give me a bump. Don't bring them around no more, okay? There was a fucking reason. So then all this comedy shit happens and you have to do things. And last fucking November, I started trying to just get out of my house, you know, I just want to get out of the house, man. I just want to be a normal person and be able to go to a bar or a restaurant and people don't come up to you and fucking, what size is Joe Rogan's foot? You know, I don't fucking know, you know? So by January, I knew it was a waste of time. People have no manners. They don't give a fuck if you're on mushrooms, you know, they don't give a fuck if they're on coke. They'll continue to give you an ear beating. So I said, I'm just going to smoke pot and go to my original plan. And from time to time, I do my thing. I play bocce, I go to the gym, I go to jiu jitsu, and I'm pretty fucking cool in those places. So it's fucking Labor Day, right? What is it? This weekend I get invited to a couple barbecues. I know the people on Saturday, I go to their house, cool as shit. Great barbecue kids, my daughter's in the pool, blah, blah, blah. They had that. Oh my God, they had a cater from Staten Island. The fucking sausage and peppers were out of this fucking world. The dog out of this world. Anyway, Sunday, I got invited to another barbecue and I loved the guy. I just went to dinner with him last week and he goes, you know, I go, who's gonna be there? This guy, that guy, this guy. I know these people. And he goes, a couple of my friends. I go, all right, you know what? At least as I have cover, I'll be okay. And the party was great. I had a great time, guys. The food was great. Pizza was shitty. The food was great. You know, the company was great. I saw people hadn't seen before. The kids got huge. Like, these are the kids that she first played softball with. So it's about 8 o' clock last night. I made some brownies this weekend. That was so fucking good. That was so fucking good. It was five year old. It was four year old weed mixed in different levels. In fact, when I went into them, you could see the different colors. It was like going into the earth. Clay, cement, Indian ink, you know, it was all that shit like.

[B]

Like the stuff when you put nugs in a jar and then you take it out. Yeah, yeah, I'm excited to do something like that.

[A]

I was pissed because there was a couple nugs. I'm like, God damn it, I'm not gonna take these nugs. Forget it. But I had two joints left and I gave them to a friend of mine. I gave One to a friend of mine. And she called me back. She goes, that is the best. This joint had to be two or three years old. And she's like, that's the best joint I ever smoked. I couldn't stop giggling. Me and my girls laughed for two hours. I go, I got one more left. He won. And she called back, she goes, you ever get more? I go, that's the last one. But I remember I had that 10. So my wife had that. Not the fucking Betty Crocker one, but the other one, the Guadalajara Pilsbury. What is it? No, not. I just said not Giardelli. And I go buy some walnuts. You know me. I don't give a fuck. You're allergic. You're gonna go down any way you put it. I'm either gonna get you with one or with the other, you know? So it don't matter.

[B]

So I don't give a fuck if you're allergic.

[A]

Yeah, I don't give a fuck. I'm not going to listen to that nonsense. If you're allergic, deal with it.

[B]

Okay, well, you're not eating my brownies.

[A]

Yeah. At least you'll be going to be scratching, and your throat's going to be swollen, but you're going to be right. So I. My wife mixed up the batter. I. You know, we throw the walnuts and whatever the fuck they are. Almonds, I don't even know. And I get up there, and I get a frying pan, I spray it down with the olive oil spray. I keep it down to a small thing, and I just start throwing weed in there. Fwah. Fwah. A little butter foa. Fwah. And it's slow. And all of a sudden, I see it start, and I start hitting that motherfucker. And right from there, I'm tipping it right into the batter. And she's over there stirring it. And I'm throwing more on foi. Like an Italian pizza maker, when he throws the foi foie, he throws the powder on it. And I'm cooking this motherfucker butter olive oil. Flames are coming everywhere. I'm like fucking the Cuban chef, right? And all of a sudden, I put, like. I looked at the tub. I took the top hand off just to make sure. I don't like shit like that. I don't like freezer burn. So I took the top, threw in the garbage, and the rest was just. And it was down to maybe a half inch. And I said, that's it. And, man, I started licking that thing. Ooh. Before Those brownies came out. I was already humming. So finally the brownies came out on Saturday, right? Was it Saturday? So Saturday night I ate them. Oh, my God. You know, you don't think my tolerance is so off the batter, like, soft the chain. Like, I felt something. But I kept smoking weed. And I went to bed Saturday night. Cause the honeymoon is going on because it was college football and it wasn't even Hawaii. And I fucking. I got up at 2 in the morning to pee. Oh, fuck. I was fucked up. And a different. It was completely different than I've ever felt.

[B]

Oh, Jesus.

[A]

It was, like, deep. My arm was numb and shit. The first time I woke up, the room was cold. And I actually, like, broke down. I had to get a hooded sweatshirt and put a hood on and grab the cap and put them on me. And I'm like, how high am I? And I looked at my wife. She was fine. She's. I'm like, what the fuck is wrong with me? That's how high I was. My body was shaking, dog.

[B]

Oh, my God. And you have no idea how many milligrams at all or anything. Cause you just.

[A]

Wasn'T even worried about. It wasn't even flogging my mind. I didn't give a fuck. I wanted an edible to take me down for a few days. What? So Sunday, I told for the barbecue people that I had made these edibles. And there's two lunatics there. There's a woman and a guy. The guy's like, bring me a little piece. Well, I gave him a nice piece. And the chick, as soon as I walked in, it was the corner. She picked it up, George, and just started taking bites out of it. And I'm like, oh, this bitch is gonna die. I gotta take this away from her. She kept. And I gave a piece of mushroom. So she was three quarters in. And then he ate a little piece and I took another big bite. And that was the end of that. I gave him the rest to put in the cabinet. I have not heard from him yet today. He has not even contacted me at all. We were supposed to cook steaks today. He did not even fucking.

[B]

He's in no shape.

[A]

He spoke to the lady and she said that she got home and thank God she was in bed because she didn't feel her legs, that she had water by her. And, you know, just hilarious. But it was her, another mom, the coach's wife and another mom. And we're sitting there talking about, you know, when do you get in trouble? When you. You get in Trouble as a kid, when you come home at three and your parents aren't home till five, and you start searching through shit and you find, like, stupid shit that belongs to your parents. You find, like, your mom's vibrator, but you don't know what it is. You think it's her back massager or whatever. That's the first thing you find. Five out of ten motherfuckers sniff it. They don't even know you start using.

[B]

It all the time.

[A]

They put that little mom's vibrator in their nose and give it a whip. See, you're older. For us, it was the period bag. The thing that hung behind the douchebag. The douchebag. And they put the nozzle in that pussy and they squeezed the hot bottle. It was really a hot water bottle with a contraption to wash your monkey. Any woman, any house I went to as a kid, I always sniffed it if they was hanging there. Oh, I didn't care if it was your grandmother, your mother.

[B]

You knew it.

[A]

Oh, yeah. After I found out that. I found out that everybody had one and women stuck it up their pussy, I wanted to sniff. I would sniff your bras first. Like, if you. You ever go to a woman's house and she hangs her bras behind the bathroom door.

[B]

Why are you going into these places?

[A]

Because I want to see if they.

[B]

You're creeping around their house. Usually they have to put the bras, like, in their personal bathrooms.

[A]

It's like my godmother, my mom's friend, I go over there and I gotta pee it. And I run right to the bathroom to see if the lady left the bra. I'd be sniffing the bars, the bra snap. And I wouldn't jerk off. I was too young. I would get, like, a little dizzy and all excited. But I had a particular godmother. Aunt. She was an aunt. And she was hot since the time I met her. My mom even knew. My mom goes, you like her? Oh, fuck, yeah. Her hair was. She didn't put her hair down. She's a Cuban professional. Out of all my mother's friends, she was married to a gangster. But she knew nothing of that world. She was the best mom you ever saw. I miss her death. And she died. And her and I weren't on good terms, so I never felt good about that. But, bro, when I was a kid, like, you saw her as a mom. But one night she did something at my house and I saw her putting her hair up. I went into, like. My whole body was hard. And I remember Telling my mom, she's like, you like women with long hair? I'm like, did you see her fucking hair? Like, when she was bundling it up? I was like, fucking. So I always liked her. So anytime I went to her house, I always sniffed her bra for a couple years. And then like a year later, I found out what that tube was for. And I would sniff that motherfucker Like I was one of those hounds looking for Rambo.

[B]

And you weren't even jerking off, you were just sniffing it.

[A]

I was just sniffing it. Like when you sniff like. You ever got a chocolate cayenne from the Good Humor boy? Sure, you want to sniff it to make sure you paid 35 cents. You don't want another. You don't want a fucking artificial. You don't want a fugazi, right? You want the real deal. So you sniff it, right?

[B]

Of course. Who doesn't? You sniff a lot of shit, dude. What are you talking about? Are you sniffing ice cream bars? Is that what you're saying? They're coming for you.

[A]

No, they're coming for you.

[B]

Why me? You're talking about sniffing tube, dude, the worst word you used was nozzle. You called it a nozzle that you were sniffing.

[A]

It's skinny up on top. This is how it is. It's skinny up on top and then it goes out so they can put in their monkey. It shrinks, but the end has, like 19 tubes, so water comes out into all the part of the monkey. And I would sniff each individual tube one by one. I would get the toothpick and clean it out. You ever do that? You clean out with a toothpick and sniff the other side. You get like, the condensed pubic hair. Where would you get toothpicks from?

[B]

You brought toothpicks from.

[A]

No, I get it from fucking Chicken Delight. When they come over, they fucking give you toothpicks. I don't fucking know, Lee.

[B]

Holy shit. Did you ever get caught?

[A]

No. Nobody ever knew. I forgot for years until I was like 16 and I did it again. And I'm like, no, dog, I can't even say this. I dated a girl that her monkey was so good, when she'd take a shower, I get her underwear, sniff and bang one out when she was in the shower and come with a panties. That's how sick I am. I'm a sick dog. You know what I'm saying? Anyway, back to the Christian minute anyhow, so.

[B]

Holy shit.

[A]

Guys. And I tried. Guys. And I try to tell you I'm a good egg dog. And I Try a lot of fucking things. But sometimes you get high and you get comfortable, and then something happens and you're like, you know what, man? This is why I don't go out. So last night, I'm talking to these moms, and we're talking about three to five. What happens to kids from three to five? They snoop. How we all snooped. And I look at this guy at the table, and he's got his phone looking at me. And the mom that I'm sitting next to is a very. Is a teacher. And she's cool, but she's skinny but tough. And that mom is not the mom you want to mingle with.

[B]

Why not?

[A]

Because she's crazy. And she'll tell you. And she's beautiful, but she'll tell you where to go. I've seen her do it. So I'm looking at this dude, and finally the mom goes, hey, what are you doing? And I go, are you taping me? And he goes, oh, Jesus. He's hammered the guy. But I know the guy. Like, I don't know him great, but I know I've seen him around.

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, Jesus.

[A]

And this lady went off. This lady's like, I'm a teacher. We were over here talking about, kid, what the fuck are you taping me for? And then this lady's like, you better fucking delete that motherfucker. It went like that. It got like that. At fucking 8:30 at night. I'm gonna fucking. You know, I love that.

[B]

The women were like, angrier than you.

[A]

They fucking made him erase it. The guy's like, okay. And then the guy took him, like three minutes to get up. He got up, he went, and he was so embarrassed. He packed his kids and he went out. First his wife had to go looking for him. Then he sent his wife in. I wasn't angry, guys. I wasn't angry. And I don't feel. I'm not going to sit here. I was. Felt violated. I didn't. But now. Now you know why? I don't know, dude. I. I know because that's what. What are you going to do, post it on YouTube?

[B]

Yeah. Well, honestly, I think they. They're not even. They just want to prove to their friends that they saw you.

[A]

Maybe it doesn't matter, Lee.

[B]

No, I'm not saying it's a graded answer.

[A]

They show it to you. Let's say I go to work tomorrow, okay? And I work with a cool fucking dude. And I work with a cool dude. And you're a cool dude. You're Jewish.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

But I'm over there talking about. No, but I'm not saying a funny thing. He's just Jewish. I am, but you're a different type of Jew. Not you or me in our relationship to do that work. Who's a fucking boss. And all of a sudden he plays and you're like, oh, I like him. But all of a sudden I go, you know, fucking. The Jews in Jersey, they're the ones that killed Jesus. What if you're one of those Jews that gets offended? Which I don't know if you know the Jews from Jersey, the ones like, by Short Hills.

[B]

Oh, God.

[A]

I'm not calling nobody out here. But they're a little different. There's some. Bergen county has some Jewish areas. They're a little different and they're cool, but they'll get offended is what I'm trying to say. I don't need that in my life. You follow what I'm saying to you, right? I don't need this guy going to his temple on Saturday. I said, my friend taped Joey Diaz at a barbecue saying anti Semitic fucking jokes. Do you understand me? Because in our world, we fuck around like that. I met a Panamanian today. We talked about Chinese food in Panama. He says, it's the best. Older than New York Szechuan.

[B]

Oh, shit.

[A]

He said, the Szechuan is hands down. It says authentic as can be. Anyway, I'm sorry, what were you saying?

[B]

You were saying something.

[A]

No, I was talking about the fucking dude with the tape recorder. That's what I was saying.

[B]

That's wild. And that, you know, you. Don't you feel pretty comfortable, like, around. Like you've never had an issue with.

[A]

If you invite me to your house, I'm comfortable, right? Don't come to me late and go. That dude was a reporter from the New York Times. Like, by the way, that girl is the reporter from the New York Times. And you were talking about Epstein and the list and trying to be funny. Well, why don't you. Why did you even have her here, Right? Like, so when I. When you invite me to your home, it's because we cool. It's because if I want to take a joint out and spark it, I mean, if there's children there, I would never do something like that. And if there's children next door, I wouldn't do it. But you know what I'm saying, dude.

[B]

I had someone do it once, and he's a nice. He's a comic that I know, but he was just audio recording Like, a group of comics talking. I was like. And he was like, oh, I just sometimes. And I don't know what it's about.

[A]

To be honest, in this 10, listen, 10 years ago, it's. We sell the tapes. 10 years ago, this is lunch with Uncle Joey. You get 10 bucks on fucking itunes. We go to Rudy's. We talk shit. We go to Chinese. Hey, Chino, where's the spare ribs? You know? But guess what? You do that today, you don't know who's gonna get offended. For that $10 you're making, minus the 82%, that goes to itunes, right? What's it go to? What goes to itunes? You gotta check from itunes. It's fucking, you know, rabbit eyes, right? It's fucking whatever rabbity is. So is it worth it? That's what I'm trying to say to you. We could do it ourselves. We want to tape our conversations. There's no more brilliant conversations than us at dinner time when we go to the Greek restaurant and we're. And you get the fucking cheese with the. With the Greek hair on top of.

[B]

It, whatever the fuck you got, like, feta cheese. But has anyone ever tried to do it with Mercy?

[A]

What do you mean?

[B]

Like, have they started like. Like you might have been angry or if it was like, you and Mercy together or it was just mercy. Like, has anyone tried to take pictures with Mercy public?

[A]

No. No. I've seen, like, people trying to take pictures of me and Mercy at a restaurant or something. What. What do you want me to do?

[B]

I don't want you to do anything.

[A]

But as long as they don't come over. What are you gonna do, post it on Reddit that I'm having lunch with my daughter?

[B]

You actually have a cool. I would get upset. No one. Like, I'm not.

[A]

If he approaches me, right, and starts talking stupidity, yeah, I'm gonna get upset like any other parent would. You're with your child. This doesn't mean. You know, I would never go up to that Doug Jeter when he's with his kids. I don't even know if he's got kids. But, you know, I wouldn't go up to Derek Jeter if he's eating with his two daughters.

[B]

No.

[A]

And say what? Derek, 1994? I would dare leave the guy alone and his daughters are popping up and he's looking at you like, yeah, you fucking idiot. You know? Cause that's what they're looking at you thinking. They have you with your fucking family.

[B]

They probably can't go out to eat like Those people that like celebrity Eric.

[A]

Jeter goes out to eat, but where does he go? There's three motherfuckers in the room.

[B]

Oh, they just take the whole restaurant.

[A]

There's a guy sitting on a table next to him with a woman. There's a guy over there, and there's a guy over there. And the restaurant's on high alert. Because if I'm eating at your restaurant, that means you gotta kinda protect me, right? It's the same thing. I need to know my clientele. I need to know that George doesn't work for tmz.

[B]

Right.

[A]

I know that Lee Syat's coming in that night. So I'm gonna double cover the table. First off, I'm not gonna let a lot of people know about specials. I'm gonna keep that Tuesday low. But then you have situations where, hey, we went to a Nick game, we're hungry. I can't clear the house then.

[B]

No. Right.

[A]

I don't know who's in there now at 10:30 at night, it could be. And I come in with eight guys and one of them.

[B]

And it definitely happens.

[A]

Cause all you need is. You don't need to be doing coke, but one of your friends doing coke, and that's it. I'm not ruined. I'm not ruined because people know I'm not doing coke. But think about that. Like your friends are your. What do people say? The people you hang with or you. Whatever you are who you hang out with. So these are things you have to clear also, right?

[B]

It's. People are getting weird. I actually had, you know, me in the 15 years we've been together. I don't. I don't really get into like physical or like yelling altercations with anybody. I got into it with someone at a. Like a dispensary this weekend. And it's like, it's. I pulled into a dispense and these two guys, not cops, but were like parked how cops park if they want to just chat. And I just got in and I just tapped on my horn because I couldn't get around them. They went. I parked and the dude started yelling at me and saying like, hey. You said more patients or just. And I just said, hey, dude. I just. I didn't. I didn't go on my horn and yell at them, but I have, like. They don't know where. Like, I'm getting medicine for my mom. Like this, right.

[A]

The moment before exactly.

[B]

I was thinking about. I little. I. That's why I wanted to bring it up. And like, he Was. And he was actually a worker at the dispensary. And he was, he like, he, he got so in my face that this other guy, this other like, customer, like, hey, are you okay? And I was okay. I didn't, I wasn't. I'm never my, I'm never gonna like punch anybody. But like it was, I've got kind of like, I felt like that, like I've never had someone come at me for something like that. And it's especially when you work at the place. And I was like, so I worked there. Yeah, he worked there. So I even talked to the manager like, hey, man, I'm sorry. I don't want him get him fired. But like, he shouldn't, he shouldn't be yelling at me for when he's blocking the drive. Like there was no way. And then there was, it's not like he was, There was tons of room to get around him. I couldn't get around anybody. And like, they felt bad. They gave me a bunch of money off. It's a good dispensary. But it was like, I, I, I just like think what we're talking about. Like what's going on with people? And I think just like there more on edge or something or I'm having.

[A]

A conversation with George. So fuck Lee behind me and fuck the day he's having, right? As soon as I pull up, I got about 10 seconds grace period. Okay? As soon as I pull up to you and you're talking to me going, yeah, I just meet you at the studio. Yeah, if you stop Lee get batteries. That's it. There's no other conversation, right? And there's people who acknowledge you and will keep talking and what are you going to do? Those are the same people that when you bang them with the car, they're gonna down 91 1, right? Of course, now you got two against one. We only here for a second. And he came yelling and now you look like a fucking idiot. Now you gotta get an attorney, a private investigator to get the cameras from all the businesses before they did, right?

[B]

And even like just park. There was tons of parking spaces. They were just blocking the entire entrance.

[A]

This is. Welcome to the fucking city. Welcome to Bergenline Avenue. I don't know what Jersey City and what Hoboken is like and what the rest of the other counties are like, but this is it. People would just pull over. How about the people who just pull over? Dog, I've had people cut me off and stop for a yellow cold. Like not even like give it a Try like, just pull over and stop. And you're like, dog, you're lucky I'm not that guy because you would have gone through the windshield.

[B]

Oh, absolutely.

[A]

I would have killed you. I would have killed you. And I have. You know, you cannot. But dog, you got to drive with higher relevance now. Like, you got to know what's around you. The days are 8, 800 milligrams and going for a drive because you don't know what they're going to come out of.

[B]

Dude, I did do something a little childish and I wanted to do more. But as I was leaving the dispensary behind, in the, behind the entrance, they had like a. Six parking cones. Like big, but big ones, like as tall as me. So I looked around and it wasn't there. And I took one. I put it behind his car. It would have taken him three seconds to throw to put it back. But like, just, I wanted to. And I wanted to take them all, like, surround his car with him. But I was like, I'll get caught doing that. But one cone. I, like, I. I just wanted to like it for one second, piss him off that it was me. But it was. I've never. You know me, dude. I don't fight with anybody.

[A]

It's a different world out there. And once you leave the house, you gotta be prepared for anything. People pull over, they cut you off, they just stop. They will stop there. You know, we go to eat dinner every once in a while and we double park and it's okay, you know, but think of those people that get in the car and you're not around.

[B]

Oh yeah.

[A]

And they gotta wait. And their fucking uncle just died. He got hit by a car and Paramus crossing the street, you know, and, you know, I mean, it's the same shit. So, you know, you know what I'm saying? Like, here we are again. I'm not saying that we're bad people for doing it, but we're all, we're all hypocrites. Hypocrites.

[B]

Like, you know, remember Laurel Canyon going north? And people would just kind of scoop around at the end and like, like some people would just sit there and get pissed off. And you'll do it, but then sometimes you'll just fucking. I gotta go.

[A]

And.

[B]

And when it's you doing it, it's okay. But when it's everyone else, they're fucking assholes.

[A]

Do it all the time.

[B]

Oh, yeah. I don't think you ever stopped.

[A]

I don't think you want to write.

[B]

Until the very end.

[A]

Oh, you know, it's. And that's what we're fucking hypocrites. But I don't. Listen, one thing I'll never forget, Lee, tell me the day we were going somewhere and a cop. There was traffic on a Monday, remember?

[B]

We going to the doctor? Yeah.

[A]

No, we were going somewhere at 8 in the morning. Yeah, I think Monday fucking morning you and I were going somewhere in Burbank. And it's bumper to bumper traffic. Like, are you fucking kidding me? And we get to the thing, it's a cop and the guy couldn't park this way. He parked like this to be an asshole. So now cars had to go around. This is California. They're scared. No, you go. No, you go. No, you go. No, you go. No, you go.

[B]

No, you go.

[A]

Fucking Hugo is never coming back. And they fucking sat there and by the time we get there, I go, I wonder what's going on, Lee? And it's a homeless guy puking and two cops like shaking him down. Like, this is Monday at 7:45. This is your job. And I remember beeping at him. He's shit peepee, move the fucking car.

[B]

Dude, I was driving and you fucking beeped my car and started yelling at the cops, you cocksuckers. And I'm like 25 times.

[A]

You can't be this fucking stupid. You need to protect and serve. How are you protecting and serving right now? If you come after me, I'm gonna take a picture of your car and show Lt. It's Monday at 7:40. Lou, look at this fucking car. Yeah, I'm gonna go right in there. Lou, where's the Lou? Over here. That's how they call him on other TV shows. Lou, let me talk to you. You. It's Lieutenant Grable. Let me talk to you. Okay, cut this shit because I'll call over your head too. I'll get the Puerto Rican, the public safety and me and him start habloing. You won't be looking too fucking good. Okay? And don't let me mention Joe Rogan podcast and shit. I got fired up. I'm sorry I got all this anyway, I'm fired up because something's happened. Listen, I don't know if you guys know this is my time of the year. My dick gets hard right now. That's it. It's over. The stupid shit is over. Think about it. That's it. You jumped around all year. Yeah, I'm gonna get that tooth fixed, you know. Well, guess what? It's September, motherfucker. It's scary for Some people I get scared. So I get so scared that I go, okay, because we got four months left. You got four months to make it happen.

[B]

Sort of.

[A]

Yeah. No, think about it.

[B]

But it's just continued life.

[A]

Everybody had a good time. You went to the Bavarian Festival with the fucking, you know, Andelay. Whatever that sword is called. The joust. That's it.

[B]

I like the Andelay Festival better.

[A]

What is it?

[B]

Renaissance Fair?

[A]

Yeah, the Andalay Festival. You know, everybody fucking is having all year. And now you look at yourself and you go, that's it. Either My kids aren't going to school. But Halloween's next month. And before you put your mask in the oven, fuck it, it's Thanksgiving. I mean, Halloween don't even hit. And all of a sudden you're seeing commercials with pilgrims and the fucking Bavarian Festival and all those people. The turkey leg. And before you put that turkey leg in your mouth, there's a Christmas ad already. So this is the time of the year you could be a fucking do's and bots or you could shine a little bit.

[B]

They have Halloween candy already.

[A]

Who gives a fuck, okay? Only you would look at that shit. That shit's terrible for you.

[B]

Now I know I'm not eating it.

[A]

It's not Halloween candy. It's fucking poison. Trust me when I'm telling you. I've sampled all of them. Terrible. I got kids. Everything is bad. Everything.

[B]

What do you mean it's bad?

[A]

They haven't. Everything is bad. They have destroyed everything. They make a sugar free licorice that I was really into until my eyeball almost came out and I started regular heartbeats and shit. All that shit. Even chocolate. Like. I love Almond Joy like a motherfucker. You understand me? You go to CVS to get a prescription, right? You always got that double pack Almond Joy. It's a Ghana.

[B]

That's your bar.

[A]

No, I like the caramel clusters too.

[B]

Those are good.

[A]

And they come in a four pack too.

[B]

Oh, shit.

[A]

Yeah. CVS gives you diabetes. They care nothing about you. Sell me a single pack. Remember the single peanut butter, Right? For years they had a double. But you could always buy a single if you were a fat fucking. And you wanted just to make peace with yourself. They don't have that no more. For the fat. They don't even give you that now. They sell you four.

[B]

Four cups.

[A]

Four cups.

[B]

That's great.

[A]

That's. No, it's not great, Lee. Fucking live shooting yourself in the stomach every day. I don't needle. That's what you're trying to do.

[B]

I don't eat candy. I. Well, that's what I'm getting. No, no, no, no, no. That's what I'm getting bad. That's when I'm getting bad. I swear to God. I don't go to, like, CVS and buy shit anymore. No, but on the way home from the Dojo, we stopped at the pharmacy and we split the two pack of the new Oreo. Reese's. The Reese's cup with an Oreo in it. Dude, it was so good.

[A]

That's what I'm talking about. What are you, 10?

[B]

What do you mean? You love both of those things, but.

[A]

I wouldn't put them together.

[B]

Yes, you would.

[A]

No, I would not. Lee, stop.

[B]

Why?

[A]

I just told you what I do. Because that's what you're doing. You're the type of guy that goes into a pizza place and there's a slice of cheese, or there's a slice of cheese with ziti and a lizard eye and chicken, and you'll get that something that you wouldn't even eat separately. I've seen you. I've been around you 15 fucking years.

[B]

I would eat Reese's Cups and Oreos separately.

[A]

Lee, you don't need that shit.

[B]

I don't need it.

[A]

That's why we split it anyway, stupid. Let me tell you what's going on in two days. You know what's going on. I don't know who I'm talking about, but he knows about Reese's and Oreos. Oreos. Wait till you get mugged.

[B]

Jesus Christ. When I have.

[A]

You got to think about those Oreos. You should have had an apple or protein bar.

[B]

We did have it.

[A]

Or a protein milkshake.

[B]

I had one Reese's Cup.

[A]

One Reese's Cup. No, you did.

[B]

You just talked about packs of fours.

[A]

You split a two pack.

[B]

Yeah, that's one.

[A]

So two packs divided by two is four. I know you. Two and two. There's four. So divide that.

[B]

What are you talking about? Four?

[A]

Anyway, listen, I don't want to argue about you. All of a sudden you get all Jewish on me. What are you talking about? Four. It comes in a fucking four pack. And you split it with your wife. That's two apiece. Where I come from, they only have.

[B]

Two packs of those, but go ahead. I want to hear what's happening in two days.

[A]

So this week is something big this time of the year. Because it all comes true. It's fucking football season. That's what's going on. Is your head far up? Your ass from that joust that you don't know that this Thursday is fucking football season.

[B]

I can't wait. I do know, but I don't.

[A]

Listen, I don't have a favorite team. I don't want to hear your sorrows, all right? I don't want to hear about fucking New England and Tommy Porkchop, whatever his name, he's never going to play.

[B]

Oh, yeah, he's never going to play. If he plays, things are going to be.

[A]

He's going to make a big difference. Leave you alone.

[B]

Oh, dude, I'm so. But it's. It's. I'm so excited.

[A]

Tommy Cutlets, Tommy, he knows his whole career. I get him on the podcast. Listen, I don't want no Tommy Cutlets on the podcast, right? He's going to show up at the agent looking like a Halloween costume. Leave me the fuck alone, okay? I can just see that idiot negotiating with the New England Patriots right now. And they're like, guy, come here. We'll give you 30 grand, get rid of him. Like, we'll pay him off like we're a professional organization, okay? I don't know what the Giants, they eat Ring Dings down there in Jersey in autismville. Fucking talking to you, but this is the New England Patriot Organization. I don't know who you work for with your slimy black suit that you rented, where black people rent their suits and shit for weddings and funerals. Right or wrong.

[B]

Didn't he have like a whole.

[A]

He shows up to a nationally televised game on a Monday to MetLife Stadium looking like a fucking hologram of a fucking retard dressed in a hologram, black with a white hat on or whatever he had. Come on, bro, give me a fucking break. Like this couldn't be that more embarrassing than what it is. And the poor bastard, the kid was bartending in Jersey City a whole bucket two weeks before that, God bless him. It's a Rocky story. But if you're going to go on with Rocky, go in with Mick, not with Dick, okay? If you're going to go to, like, Rocky, open up your eyes and go, you know what? Let me call fucking Pacquiao's people or something. Let me call Montana. Let me call Aaron Rodgers and see if he can help me. He shows up with his uncle's friend from the dock, and that's what these idiots do. Yeah, but he knows Pete. He don't know nothing. He's been on the dock. He's on the bottom rink over there on the dock. He's your manager. Now he rents a suit. And that's what. And that's what it is. And it's a shame that nobody took Tommy Cutlitz and said, listen, man, this is the NFL. You can't show up with that fucking moron. We gotta go big here. So what? You're not getting that much money. But at least. What did Jackie Gleason. What was his big quote? You could be broke, but as long as you have your shoes are shine, and you look the part and you go in there, you just. You know, he said something beautiful, and that's what it is. You're making a presentation. Why would you. And then. All right, you want to show up with him until you get somebody. I get it. But then show up on Monday Night Football with him. Yeah, the people in Newark are jumping up and down. That's my boy. He bought that soup for me. He eats pizza here. He likes the eggplant here. You know what I'm saying? God bless. But that's not the guy you want to talk to the NFL with. That's the guy you go, like, to a school play, you know what I'm saying? That's the guy you go to, like to sign autographs at a pizza place. Cause that's when he was. That's what he was doing. You're in the NFL quarter. You think Joe Montana ever signed autographs of the pizza place? You think this is fucking funny? It ain't funny. This is what happens when you move to the state. They're crazy. I worked 30 years of my life to go to some pizza place at American Mall and sign stuff. Are you fucking retarded with some guy with a suit on? Hey, guess. A diet. Give me a fucking break. Anyway, I got all fired up on that. Jesus Christ. Yeah, I remember when I moved here, I was like, I'm thinking about firing my agency, and I'm gonna meet with a guy, and I met with that guy, and I let the time dictate. Just to let you guys know. I let life dictate. I'm not gonna drop no names. The guy had a couple guys he was handling. So I said, where would you like to go? I thought the guy would say, Vito's in the Lower east side or Ponte Vecchio's in Brooklyn or some fucking Italian name. What's your joint? The place where you get the sandwiches. Casaldo's, you know, Cuomo's? Yeah, I went to. No, the other place we get the chicken. Franchaise? Yeah. Cavazos. I thought the guy would drop A name like that. He dropped like, hihot.

[B]

For your, like, big business.

[A]

And I bumped him to a diner.

[B]

Oh, nice.

[A]

To another good diner. I just said, I'll meet you at the diner. Do you know this? Showed up with a Yankee ham.

[B]

What?

[A]

What's the shit you cut and put on eggs?

[B]

Cream cheese.

[A]

Where? In Juville? This is Jersey. Who shows up with a fucking thing of cream cheese? No, the other one. Pork roll. He showed up with a pork roll. Who's the best? Pork roll. A gift for you. And I'm like, you just lost me. I'm about to put an envelope in your pocket and you show up with a pork roll at a diner down the block from my house. We're going places. You go on your own fucking. You know what I'm saying? The presentation, the whole thing. Right? That's the whole thing at that level.

[B]

And it's crazy. Like, you knew immediately that it was not going to happen immediately.

[A]

As soon as you showed up with the pork roll, there's no reason to talk. I got that and gave it to a friend up the corner. But think about. You know what I'm saying? Like, guys, you are. Remember a couple weeks ago, eight weeks ago, on the podcast, I said that you become a professional. And you become a professional, you decide. It's your decision when you look around and then go, what the fuck is going on in my life? There was a booker I always depended on. Remember him? George in the city. Always depended on this guy. Loved him. I trusted him. And every time was a story. The job started Wednesday through Sunday and it was this amount of money. But by the time I flew in on the plane, Lee constantly. Now it was Friday one show and Saturday one show. And they were gonna send me a check in the mail. I didn't wanna mention his fucking name. Jesus Christ. So one day I made a decision. I'm not talking to that guy anymore. And everything changed. He called me for like a year. Once a year, he still calls me and texts me, I gotta have a gig for you. I don't even. Because I had to get out of that. And you had to say no to him if I wanted another. It's the same shit. You gotta close one door before you open up another one. It's the same shit. It's tough to do because you're gonna miss that. But at the end of the year, what was he really paying me?

[B]

Right?

[A]

What was he paying me? Every time I came here was a story. My money for the plane ticket. There was always a problem with the Hotel, they're going to pay half. And then you find out they gave him everything, right? He stole it right from me. Hey, and what are you going to do? Go down there and throw him out a window? You knew better. You fucking knew better. And this is what you get for being a gavon. Because in your mind you're playing in the city, but you're really not. You're playing in Newkirk, New Jersey, in penguin weather. You know what I'm saying? Now when you get here, you ask Nick for a ride. Nick's like, I ain't got four hours. Four hours. Where am I going? You're going an hour from Lake Placid. You're going to go for $400. The fuck are you thinking, right? Shoot yourself. But you get caught up in. Well, I'm going to come back and stay on Nick's balcony because I stayed on your uncle's balcony, so. I know, but I'm going to go to the Bronx and that's. And then I would go to these fucking places and showcase or whatever. But I was just spinning my wheels. I was just spinning my wheels and I was losing money and I did this once a month. I would take one of his fucking stupid gigs, Pittsburgh, just to be. Well, I'll showcase at the Funny Bone on Monday. There's no showcase at the Funny Bone on Monday. I don't want to see your rapid ass. You just did a hotel on the other side of town. You follow me, right? So it's the presentation. It's like when you go, when you go to a shitty restaurant, you go to a good restaurant, if they give you the same fucking meat, the same potatoes and the same stupid carrots and they design the dish differently. Your mind does that. Your mind does that on its own. We don't even need to go to some. You know, if I go to Bruce's, your brother in law's a chef. He knows how to decorate a plate. He'll make 4 ounces of meat look like 22. That's what he went to school to do. Well, he's a different type of dude. He'll make 4 ounces look like 2 ounces and tell you it's 6 ounces. You know what I'm saying? But you follow what I'm saying to you? So it's whatever you show the. I'm not. I like Tommy Cutlitz. I think he's a good quarterback. But to show up on Monday Night Football, football with an agent dressed like that, that, like I said that.

[B]

But like where does it? Because to me also, like, he'll be like, I'm loyal. And you talk about loyalty a lot.

[A]

Loyalty. That's when I go to elite. Listen, we've been together for six years. I've gotten three car dealership offers where I go wash a car for charity. And then every other Sunday during football season, you get me to some fucking pizza place. And I make the small 600. And I come home and I got to take two showers from the garlic breath that sunk into my fucking neck. And all the fake gangsters I met. All right, let's figure this out. The NFL called. Why don't I put you at a better capacity? Why don't you become my personal manager? And I still pay you the 10. But I go in there with an agency. There's always a fucking remedy here. If you're that tight with the guy, he'll understand, right? I can't show up with you. We robbed somebody in the eighth grade. God rest his soul. I love Darren Rago. I always think about it. What happened if he would be alive right now. Because I would have called him to LA after the fucking mishap in Colorado. When he didn't help me kidnap Bella. I wasn't gonna ever let that happen again. I wanted him around all the time. In case I had a sudden urge to throw somebody out a window. And that dude, as long as I gave him coke and some sniffing glue, he. You know. You know, that's my dog. We were dogs together. So I can't imagine me getting a longer shot and flying Rago out to throw. Cause he would have thrown everybody on that set off the wall. He would have fought everybody hand to hand. Combat. Fuck your mother, I'll come back with a roast beef sandwich. That type of shit. But anyway, we gotta take a quick breather here and talk to you about DraftKings. I've been with them. I've been working with them for five years. But I've been with them for how long? Maybe seven years. I've been a customer of theirs. I love everything they do. Every morning I wake, listen in the morning. I get up, I get coffee. I sit and look at the fucking trees. I thank God for giving me another day. And as soon as I get down there, I open up my notebook and I go right on DraftKings. Because every morning I risk getting anywhere from a dollar to $2 in bonus bets to 300 in casino credits. Because they have a thing that you just spin the wheel. And every morning you wake up to good news. It's like going to Kohl's. Every time you go there, they give you a coupon to go. You know what I'm saying? So I love DraftKings for that. They take care of me. They're loyal. Anyway, let DraftKings do new customers do. We got an offer for you. Hit it. Hey, it's fall. It's game on, kids. Pro Football Week 1 starts right now. And every touchdown gets you closer to a payout with DraftKings Sportsbook and official sports betting partner of the NFL. Listen, it's time to stop just watching the game and start betting on it. If you're a new customer, this. This one's for you. You ready? Bet $5. That's it. Just $5. And DraftKings are going to give you 300 in bonus bets instantly. Just like that. Plus, grab $200 off NFL Sunday Ticket from YouTube and YouTube TV. Your season starts now. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app and press in Code Joey. That's Code Joey to get 300 and bonus bets instantly when you place your first bet of $5 or more plus 200 off NFL Sunday ticket. And that's a deal to have guys from YouTube and YouTube TV in partnership with DraftKings. Well, that's where the party starts. And that's where the Crown is yours. DraftKings. Download it right now and let's get this party started. Jack. Yeah. Gambling problem. Call 1-800-GAMBLER in New York, call 877-8-HOPENY or text hopeny 467-369 In Connecticut, help is available for problem gambling. Call 888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org Please play responsibly on behalf of Boot Hill Casino and Resort in Kansas. Fees may apply in Illinois, 21 and over. Age and eligibility varies by jurisdiction. Boyd. In Ontario, bonus bets expire seven days after issuance. See [e-mail] promos NFL Sunday Ticket offer for new subscribers only and auto renews until canceled. Digital games and commercial use excluded restrictions apply. Additional NFL Sunday ticket terms at YouTube.com go NFLSundayticket terms limited time offer. We're back, Jack. So don't forget, if you're a new customer, give DraftKings a shot. If you're an old customer and you went somewhere else, it's time to go back home to Papa. Uncle Joey's there, Lee's there. We have a good time. And starting. We don't know yet. We'll just let you know. Excuse me. See, I didn't Burp my own mouth. I burped on the microphone. The executive producer is getting away for this right now, but we're gonna let you know. We're gonna start doing Monday Night Football through Twitter.

[B]

We're gonna do it on Joey's YouTube and his Twitter account. Yeah, we'd like to do it. We have. We love everyone on YouTube.

[A]

YouTube is first. But, you know they're going to dump us once they see smoke or a missing leg. So we're getting prepared for that. We always have. It's like, you got to have backup insurance nowadays. You ever go to the doctor, like, your wife's insurance don't work no more. You got to use yours. And you're like, what the hell?

[B]

I don't know about backup insurance, but it's your ex. It's at Mad Flavor on X.

[A]

We'll start that on Monday night. Prizes, raffles, all coming to you from DraftKings. The king, where the crown is yours. All right, enough with that. Back to you, cocksucker. I was gonna go to Austin, but I moved the date back because I want to be here for Passover. Whatever comes in September. A lot of shit in my world in September. I think this week there's something. The night we're in, maybe. Maybe it's next month. The 6th and the 8th. The 24th. September, Big Cuban holiday. Especially for me. Not for a lot of you fucking peasants. And then you have the other holiday. What's the Jew holiday in September? It's two days.

[B]

Two days. Well, we have Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.

[A]

There you go. So after all that goes down just in case Baryshnikov over there starts lighting firecrackers. Right, Netanyahu. I don't want to be in Austin. And then I go to Austin the last week of fucking September. Walk the streets, get a little barbecue, get a couple shots from Ways to well. And try to get healthy. That's it. That's my schedule. We got Florida this week, really excited. And then we're going to.

[B]

We have Virginia.

[A]

Virginia and Maryland. No, no, no. We're going to the casino in Maryland. Then we're going back to Philadelphia, back to. My tickets are on sale for that. And then we go to December 6. We go to Virginia. Caesar's palace in Virginia. What are you oohing about? Cocksuck. It's eight hours away and you're the only one that's got a license. But we're not driving in the car. Forget about it. You're not taking me down there in the Taurus and the fucking whatever. He's got the Twitter machine.

[B]

We're gonna stream there, but we're just not gonna drive there.

[A]

No, we're not gonna drive in the Twitter machine. But besides that, I'm excited, dog. This is my time of the year. I told you, my dick excels. I already. I got up this morning. This morning was one of the best mornings of my life. Why? Cause a lot of people understand. I got up about 5:30 and I went to pee and I sat back down. I still had an hour and a half left in me. I could still go till 7. I went to bed at 10. I put the sleep apnea mask on. I laid on my side and I feel something on my back like a needle. And I pop over and I look and it's my cat's paw. I don't see her. I'm like, what the fuck? And all of a sudden I just see her little nose come out from the blanket. And the blanket just happened to cover her little eyes like this. And she's like, what the fuck are you doing? I'm like, nothing. I'm trying to sleep, you know? But once I looked at her, I'm like, jesus Christ. I had to take the mask off and hug her and play with her. She was all excited. I had to scratch her nose and shit. Now it's a quarter to six and I'm like, I'm up already. So where the fuck was I going with this? I don't even know. Oh, I got up, I had some coffee, sat outside. It was a bit on the chill side, but the sun was coming out. I could tell it was gonna be a beautiful day to be alive. And I just went downstairs and started writing, like, what I wanted from now till December. That's it. It's the final quarter. We gotta get serious. We gotta wrap up the sleeves. I tried to talk, you know. I thought about the football thing we're doing on Monday Night Footballs or Thursday, depending on the game. I mean, why waste a shitty game on you? If they're 2 and 12, I'm not gonna watch that. Two teams, they're both going for the number one draft pick. I might as well leave you at home to watch you porn or something. Except in Texas, you gotta mimic something. Whatever the fuck goes on down there. You gotta fucking make believe you're at that snappy's. What's the name of the supermarket you go to that sells gasoline, Whippies, flippies, whatever the fuck I have to be.

[B]

Oh, Buc. Ees.

[A]

Buc Ees. Yeah, you know, the buckies.

[B]

But how do you describe it? A gas station that sells flippies? Is that what you said?

[A]

What?

[B]

What do you mean, what?

[A]

Flippies? What the fuck you do? But, yeah, this is my time of the year. Because I know it goes fast. I know it goes fast. And for working Americans, I mean, the interest rate's gonna go down a little bit in September, but fucking everything else is gonna be expensive. Egg prices went down, but they're fucking you in the ass with everything else from Disney to electrical power. So it's gonna be a rough Christmas. So you better get that gun ready. You know what I'm saying? You better get that gun ready. And that little note. Get that little disappearing ink. That's how you rob a bank with disappearing ink.

[B]

How'd you rob a bank with disappearing ink?

[A]

You write the note, give me the fucking money, and by the time the cops come, there's nothing on the note. You know what I'm saying? You're like a magician, you know? I'm always thinking, dog.

[B]

Okay, I know you're thinking all the time. I don't know how good the thoughts are. How's this one note gonna?

[A]

We got it, Lee. It's a joke. I know you're the only idiot that is sitting over there like, you know, taking this shit seriously. And at two in the morning you'll call me. When do you get disappearing ink? Listen, I don't even know if they sell us anymore. Used to be in a magician store. So then when you want to hire that magician, go ask him about disappearing ankle, right? What are you bothering me for?

[B]

I want to hire a magician so.

[A]

Bad dog. I don't want to see a magician. No, you don't. I told you how I feel. I will dial nine. One more.

[B]

Oh, I want to hire Sony Magician.

[A]

But that motherfucker will be mid trick and I'll have a handcuff sign on like a motherfucker. I'll press charges for child pornography charges. He showed me his dick with a press charges. What happened?

[B]

How are you going to press char? You don't decide the charges.

[A]

And do you have hands? English, English. What do you mean? Why are you talking to me in Yiddish? English.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

What happened?

[B]

Because you can't decide the charges people are getting. You don't get to go over to the cops like, well, I'm charging them with charge child pornography.

[A]

I'm charging myself.

[B]

He had cars.

[A]

I know what the charges are. He came in here, showed me a Picture of a kid with a, with a rain jacket on. I need that.

[B]

That doesn't sound like a magician to me. But he. I want to hire one so bad to come here for the show.

[A]

What are you, Chinese? I hi. What the he saying to me? I hi. What? What? What? What? What happened? What happened?

[B]

I said I wanted to hire them to come to do magic during the show.

[A]

Listen, comedy, football and magic have never been done. You ever see a Super bowl show where they go, oh, Jocko the Great, the magician's gonna come do the lap time activities. We got rid of Jay Z, this guy's gonna cut himself out of a box and then fucking eat a bullet in midair, right? They never cancel super bowl for a fucking magician. Did you ever think of that? You ever see that fucking guy? You ever see fucking. The red headed guy on steroids? A comedian, Carrot top? You ever see him at the Super Bowl?

[B]

No.

[A]

You ever seen his buddy Vince, whatever, the other magician? You ever see him at the Super Bowl? What about the guy that got eaten by a lion? You ever see him at the fucking Super Bowl? That's a reason. There's a reason. Because magic and football don't go hand in hand.

[B]

Okay, well, we're not doing actual football. We're just talking.

[A]

Listen, we're doing. It's a Monday night or Thursday night game. That's an American as apple pie. And you want to bring white voodoo in here. Magician shit. I feel more comfortable with a black guy who cuts a chicken's head off. I'm going to try to get one of those too. To show you people a live Santeria event right here in the basement of love.

[B]

Oh my God. And that's better than a card trick?

[A]

Fuck yeah. Who wants to see a faggy fucking card trick? Who gives a fuck if it's the ace of spades, okay? Go to the track and bet eight winners, then get back. There'll be three nights in a row. Nicky, what are you doing over there? What are you looking at pornography again? I told you, get off that shit. I told you they gotta trace your little midget fetish over there. Get your shit together. What? What, Lee?

[B]

What, Lee?

[A]

The shape of the shit. I give him a couple fucking hot dogs, look what happens to him. There's no edibles here. FBI.

[B]

What do the hot dogs have to do with anything?

[A]

Because that's what's going on. I give you a couple hot dogs laced with angel dust along the shape of you fucking Renaissance fairly. You're really starting to lose it.

[B]

You really, really really?

[A]

Really. Just I'd rather you go to a ghetto and say an ethnic slur and run away, you know, I'd rather you do something like that.

[B]

I don't think that's gonna go well for me.

[A]

Yeah, something that has value.

[B]

Maybe that's value.

[A]

What you do is this. Practice skateboard first and get good on the skateboard. And after six months go to a Chinese neighborhood and your ethnic fucking thing, spare ribs and shit, and let them chase you. That's better than going to some fucking fair and make them believe you're some pirate, whatever the fuck is wrong with you.

[B]

I never said I was a pirate.

[A]

What's next? They're gonna fuck you in the ass at one of those things? I can't wait till you come back all depressed like a 16 year old Catholic girl after a dance. You come back all depressed and shit with that one eye closed. What am I gonna do with you, a Renaissance fan? This fucking chair. You can't get comfortable. The microphone's broken. I sip in like Tom Brady. Anyway, folks, it's a fucking. We're gonna have a great fucking September. I. What are you laughing about? I feel it in my balls. You know what I'm saying? I just feel good. I just feel really good again. You know, I was thinking about mental health the other day, how when I came here five years ago, I had a little mental health issue. I mean, listen, I'm always fucked up and the edibles and the mushrooms and the fucking hot dogs don't help it. But I work on it and I write and I try to. I was in therapy for a while and I learned how to talk it out and I learn little fucking things. And I feel like I think it got in the middle of my comedy for a while. It really did, because I remember being on stage and still I feel it. There's some nights I can't get through. I just can't get through. And it's the same material tuned up or whatever, but I felt better after the last bucket show. We're doing another bucket show the 18th of September at the dojo. Comedy tickets should be on sale in two days. Whatever. It's a great show, very creative. You know, I'm hearing from the different comedians, like people are taping it now. I'm gonna tape my next thing. I have, I have a. Shit happens, you know, shit happens up there. So that's what I needed, guys. I had so much shit going on. The hospital, doctors, stitches in my ear. Now I gotta go back to the doctor for my Ear, it's bleeding again. My wife found. I asked my wife, I go take a look at what's going on back there. And I heard her go, holy shit. And I go, what? And she goes, let me get a tweezer, man. Dog. She pulled out a fucking stitch, a metal stitch. Cause this shit was hurting. The thing finally went down. The other day, the top of my ear was on fire. I'm like, what the fuck is this? And it would sting and shit. And my wife goes, not only do you have a piece of metal in there, there's a fucking whitehead deep in there. It was a fucking dog. This hole here, this is 14 months. I must have done something bad to somebody. They put the maluka on me, and it's okay. I'll take it like a man. I did a lot of bad things. I deserve a lot of things. Yeah. I'm not gonna sit here and go, why does this happen to me? No. I did a lot of creepy things I did. You know, I robbed a few people. You know, shit like that. You're gonna pay for your sins. But I feel better now. I feel a little bit more free now. I know it wasn't a midlife crisis because I would have bought a Corvette and tried to leave my wife for a 19 year old. Yeah. Even though I can't fit in one. I go in a Corvette. I need 18 chiropractors. I can't. You imagine me driving up from Marlboro to three. You guys are gonna have to come out. The auto body guy here, what's his name, Melvy, over here, he's gonna have to pull me out with the fucking auto body, with the whole scissors of life, whatever the fuck they call them. What do they call them? The scissors of death. When they pull you out with the helicopter.

[B]

I don't think they call them death.

[A]

I think it doesn't matter. Go back to your coma. Look at the shape.

[B]

You can't give me these.

[A]

I didn't give you nothing. You show up looking like you spent a week in Auschwitz on a retreat. What the.

[B]

I don't know how to respond.

[A]

All up with no suntan. That's a week in Auschwitz. You want to go hang out with pale people?

[B]

I am pale.

[A]

No, but that's the reason why you should have hung out with black people up in the Bronx and jumped around and played sword. That's what you do next weekend, bring a sword up to one of the black neighborhoods, Bedford style. One of those. Go up there and say, biggie sucks and just SWAT your sword. Down the street and see how long it lasts. Lookie. Huh?

[B]

Where should I get this sword?

[A]

At the point shop.

[B]

A pawn shop.

[A]

Go in there, bring your computer. Bring that fucking keyboard. Took eight hours to start this show. I got here at three in the afternoon. You over there electrocuting yourself and shit? Cocksucker. It never ends here at the Church of. What's Happening now, the new edition. What do you got cooking in the map next couple of weeks?

[B]

What do you got this week coming up on Thursday, I'm opening for Josh Wolf in Newtown, Connecticut. And on September.

[A]

Buy tickets now.

[B]

And then on September 20th.

[A]

No, no. Don't worry about December 20th. You're living for Thursday night. Get on there. Where's the show at? Jesus Christ, look at it.

[B]

I can't take Edmontown Hall.

[A]

Edmontown Hall. Where is it?

[B]

In Newtown, Connecticut.

[A]

Newtown, Connecticut. What's the link? How much of the tickets? What's next? Off to eat. What's down the corner? They could park that car. These all.

[B]

You know what I did see, actually. Actually, I did look.

[A]

I did look at when you come see me Saturday in fucking Florida. Park the car in the garage, give it to a Cuban guy. You're good. You know what I'm saying? Miente, tell him Uncle Joey sent you $5. You walk in, get a cocktail at the bar. There's a couple restaurants. They're fucking tremendous. There's a Chinese place down there I'm looking for. We're going to be at the steakhouse either Friday or Saturday night. I'll tell you whatever you want to hear for Saturday night. Because we're on the fucking express. You know what I'm saying? What happened? Que paso? Where'd they go? What happened? What happened? We're in Teterboro. Anyway, tickets are on sale for Philadelphia Parks Casino for the night before Thanksgiving. We also have December 6th at Caesar's Casino and then, I think, the Pantheon. That's it, man. The Pantheon.

[B]

November 8th.

[A]

November 8th, MGM Grand. Where? In Maryland? See? And these clowns all be with me slinging dick and giving out autographs. Okay, Lee, what are you gonna say? What do we got again?

[B]

Thursday night.

[A]

Start from scratch.

[B]

And Thursday night I'm with Josh Wolf.

[A]

Compose yourself.

[B]

I'm composed.

[A]

Don't look at me, look at the camera.

[B]

Are you ready?

[A]

Go.

[B]

On Thursday night, I'm opening for Josh Wolf at Edmontown hall in Newtown, Connecticut. 8:00pm September 26th. I'm headlining. September 26th.

[A]

That's right. Okay.

[B]

Yeah. September 26th. I'm very excited. I'm Headlining the the Dojo and Morris playing through New Jersey for the first time. A lot of great comics are opening for me. It's going to be a good time. Pedro Garcia is going to feature for me. Got a lot of great people. So it's gonna be a great night.

[A]

Wall is gonna be there.

[B]

Everyone's gonna be there. Every comic. Sheba Mason's gonna be on the show.

[A]

What chicks are gonna be there? Sucking dick.

[B]

The hottest.

[A]

Sell them. Sell it all.

[B]

The hottest chicks hang out and tips. I promise you the food's good.

[A]

I. I believe Bruce Springsteen will be there. I get up one night, everybody will be there. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

It's awesome.

[A]

The sheriff will be there. I love you. Where's the date?

[B]

September. September 26th.

[A]

September 26th.

[B]

Oh yeah.

[A]

I'm at the Dojo and in Morristown, New Jersey, man. So headlining and shit. There he goes. He goes from Morris Plains to fucking Harvard Plains. Ing Iowa next week from that, after that. That's his career. He goes from Morris Plains. The fucking. The Plains in Montana. That's a nice resort out there. You need to get the horse to get up there. So I love you, brother. I'm proud of you.

[B]

Thanks, buddy.

[A]

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