Diddy DM'd Joey Diaz!

Summary

The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament

Episode: "Diddy DM'd Joey Diaz!"

Date: December 9, 2025
Hosts: Joey Coco Diaz & Lee Syatt
Location: Live from NYC

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Episode Overview

This episode captures Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt in classic form: riffing on the absurdities of everyday life, reflecting on gratitude, the realities of modern hustle, and sharing wild stories from the road and the past. The big headline—Diddy once DM’d Joey on Instagram—triggers a hilarious dive into Joey's digital illiteracy, fan interactions, and odd DM discoveries. The episode flows through nostalgia, modern comedy, NYC street wisdom, and life lessons, with their signature blend of humor and heart.

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Key Topics & Discussion Highlights

1. Shoplifting, Hustle, and NYC Street Smarts

Timestamps: 00:00–08:55

• Joey leads off with a rant about the nostalgia and thrill of old-school shoplifting, noting how lax enforcement now makes it "boring":
  • "They got relaxed laws now…all my life I'm a shoplifter and now you can shoplift for free at CVS and I gotta stand there like a Christian." – Joey Diaz (00:27)
• Joey recounts shoplifting Bruce Springsteen collector kits in the '80s and the excitement of being chased versus today's indifference:
  • "It's fun getting chased. But now they don't even chase you when you run out of CVS, like, with a box of makeup and shit." (03:05)
• The hosts reminisce about common scams—Jamaicans selling bricks as electronics in the Lincoln Tunnel, fake service offers, and NYC characters hustling strangers.
• Life advice emerges: mind your business and don't get sucked into street scams. "Rule number one is don't get involved… Unless I know that person and he's a bonafide thief, and I bought from him before, I'm not fucking with this guy." – Joey (05:24)

2. Comedy, Fame, and Fan Interactions

Timestamps: 10:00–14:50

• Joey discusses the awkwardness of being recognized in public and his low-key response:
  • "If I walk into a place and you think I'm fucking famous, there is something fucking wrong with you." (10:45)
• The difference between true fame and comedy-club ‘celebrity’:
  • "Famous is a guy that's taking a helicopter. If I was famous, I wouldn't be at the Hyatt at a three-story hotel in Denville." (11:27)
• They riff on fans interrupting meals for selfies, and the etiquette (or lack thereof) of approaching comedians:
  • "If you see me, get it over with, don't fucking follow me for five minutes and then ask me for a picture." (14:03)
• Lee shares stories of getting starstruck by comedians and Joey cautions not to blow up fellow comedians’ spots.

3. The Gratitude of Small-Town Shows

Timestamps: 14:59–21:00

• Discussion about performing in smaller markets versus big-city audiences:
  • Joey admires the gratitude of audiences in towns like Danville, VA, contrasting them with blasé big-city crowds.
  • "You are it. They either had this to do or go shoot pigs." – Joey (17:28)
• Joey on the unique vibe and appreciation in smaller shows, from audiences gifting weed to the higher chance of post-show encounters.
• On the open mic scene, Joey highlights the value of humility, learning from young comics, and respecting the craft:
  • "You don't go to an open mic and heckle somebody. No, that's just being a fucking douchebag." (23:00)

4. Evolving as a Comic, Staying Hungry

Timestamps: 20:38–27:00

• Lee notes how comedians’ material can get stale as they gain fame, while Joey reflects on evolving his set, embracing new material, and learning every night:
  • "The band's first album is the most powerful album…after that, it's up to the artist…I've always had shitty material...I just know how to sell it better than other people." (20:38, 21:17)
• Joey on learning from losses, applying lessons, and personal growth:
  • "It takes you eight fucking times…Money will always teach you a lesson." (26:06)

5. Digital Illiteracy and the Great Diddy DM

Timestamps: 41:47–46:02

• Joey shares the hilarious saga of discovering hundreds of missed Instagram messages—including one from Diddy:
  • "And all of a sudden I open up and it goes, 'Hey, King, give me your number or something.' And I looked at him and he goes, 'Diddy.' And I'm like, nah, this is like somebody else. And then I looked at it. It was verified." (44:00)
• Joey’s daily digital confusions: "I don't really know what the fuck I'm Doing. And people just…send me shit and they assume that I know." (46:51)
• Lee jokes about not getting naked pictures in his DMs, while Joey muses on the absurd things he finds—naked women, frozen sex toys, and offers from “fans.”

6. The Economics of Comedy and Being Grateful

Timestamps: 37:37–40:08, 48:25–52:11

• Joey reflects on a year that began in the hospital but ended on stage, expressing immense gratitude for career and life stability:
  • "There was a time where I knew at 40, I couldn't make a living…The fact that at 62 we’re doing this shit…I am so fucking grateful." (39:33)
• Discussion on the struggles of regular people during holidays, the cost of comedy tickets, and giving fans a break:
  • "You're not that fucking important. They don't need to see you every fucking weekend, you know? And that's it." (47:17)

7. Tech, Distraction, and Living in the Moment

Timestamps: 80:27–88:02

• Joey laments modern technology making people less present:
  • "I want a time where people lived in the now…You go to a concert, everybody's got their phone out taping…live in the fucking moment." (80:45, 81:18)
• The pair discuss how “phones kill focus,” the compulsion to record everything, and the mental costs of digital addiction for adults and kids alike.

8. Gambling, Vice, and Hard Lessons

Timestamps: 66:08–73:59

• After recounting a recent casino night, Joey compares gambling to hard drugs and shares lessons on self-control, losses, and consequences:
  • "If I sat there and said, oh, I'm a big shot. Let me take eight grand out. You got what you deserve, you stupid motherfucker." (68:09)
  • "There was a time when I didn't know how to have a good time…It was a rotating fucking pull between the numbers, the track and fucking baseball." (69:32, 71:31)
• Lee jokes about how quickly gambling loss can spiral, and Joey notes a broader economic trend: "Alcohol sales are down 30%...Guess what's up? Gambling." (73:01)

9. On Success, Flexing, and Remaining True

Timestamps: 91:46–99:00

• Joey contrasts “fake it till you make it” types with his own blue-collar ethic:
  • "If I had Joe Coy money or Fluffy money…they just make you feel that way…But that's not the life I ever intended to live." (96:32, 99:02)
• Shares a story about spotting scammers in his social circle and the satisfaction of trusting his instincts.
• Thoughts on humility and living simply, even with success: "If I flex, yeah. My sneakers...It’s not a flex, it’s an urn." (98:41)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Shoplifting Today vs. the Old Days:
  "Deep, deep, deep in my heart, I want to shoplift like everybody else…But now they don't even chase you when you run out of CVS." – Joey Diaz (00:52, 03:05)

• On Fame vs. Real Life:
  "If I walk into a place and you think I’m famous, there is something fucking wrong with you." – Joey Diaz (10:45)

• On Gratitude:
  "There was a time where…I couldn't make a living. I could steal a living, and I could kidnap you for a living, and I could snort a living, but I could not make a fucking living." – Joey Diaz (38:34)

• On Tech Addiction:
  "You not living in the now with these phones…Put the phone away, live in the moment." – Joey Diaz (80:45)

• On Instagram DMs:
  "And all of a sudden I open up and it goes, 'Hey, King, give me your number'…Diddy. And I'm like, nah, this is like somebody else. And then I looked at it. It was verified." – Joey Diaz (44:00)

• On Learning and Growth:
  "Every fucking night. And if you don't, stop fucking living." – Joey Diaz, on learning something new as a comic (25:24)

• On Comedy Audiences:
  "When you go do a show with me…Every one of those thousand people is another bug of your energy. You're not talking to 13 people no more." – Joey Diaz (30:40)

• On Holiday Struggle:
  "Nobody likes being broke. And I was there fucking many times on the holiday where somebody invited you over, thank God, and you stole a tie from somebody's house and you put it in a box." – Joey Diaz (52:11)

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Important Segments & Timestamps

• Shoplifting Nostalgia & Street Smarts: 00:00–08:55
• Comedy, Fame & Fans: 10:00–14:50
• Small-Town Gratitude: 14:59–21:00
• Comedy Growth & Lessons Learned: 20:38–27:00
• Discovering Diddy's DM & Joey’s DMs: 41:47–46:02
• On Gratitude and Economic Reality: 37:37–52:11
• Tech & Living in the Now: 80:27–88:02
• Gambling and Vice Stories: 66:08–73:59
• On Success & Remaining True: 91:46–99:00

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Episode Tone & Style

The conversation is fast-paced, playful, irreverent, and deeply authentic. Joey’s storytelling mixes bawdy humor with real wisdom, anchored in NYC grit and humility. Lee keeps the vibe light, adding stories, setting up punchlines, and letting Joey’s philosophy shine. The episode is equal parts laughter, unfiltered reflection, and affectionate friendship—signature “Church” style.

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Final Takeaway

This episode is a quintessential Church of What’s Happening Now ride—streetwise lessons, backstage stories, modern-life rants, and hilarious new spins on everyday struggles. Whether you’re a die-hard fan or a new listener, it’s packed with genuine laughs and honest, hard-won wisdom about comedy, hustle, and living in the present—plus the classic Joey twist: it’s never too late to learn something new, and don’t forget to check your DMs…Diddy might be waiting.

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Next Episode: Check back next Tuesday for more live NYC stories and comedy wisdom from Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt.

Transcript

[Joey Diaz]

What's happening, beautiful people? It's Tuesday, December the ninth. Two more shoplifting weeks till fucking Christmas. You got two more Mondays to get your party started. I got my main man, Lee Syeda of comedy. And we're here for another fun filled episode of the Church of what's Happening now, new addition Jack. What up, Mook?

[Lee Syeda]

What's up? When is like the best time to go shoplifting? Is it now when it's busy or every day? Every day.

[Joey Diaz]

They got relaxed laws now. You know, all my life I'm a ship shoplifter and then now you can shoplift for free at cvs and I gotta stand there like a Christian. I'm up there buying $80 for nicotine gum and people are running out with shaving cream and fucking. You know, the thing's going off, beep, beep, beep. And nobody.

[Lee Syeda]

Now you get in trouble if you stop them.

[Joey Diaz]

I got too much class to shoplift now. You know what I'm saying? But deep, deep, deep in my heart, I want to shoplift like everybody else. Really? Why not? That's fun. I mean, it's not that fun. Cause they don't chase you no. More like being chased and the whole thing, that's a blast. That's what life is all about. You need one of those every once in a while. I haven't gotten chased since 1988. I haven't gotten chased by a shoplifting security guy.

[Lee Syeda]

Oh my God. What happened in 88?

[Joey Diaz]

I used to steal these Bruce Springsteen collector kits from Sears. They would leave them right by the door and all I had to do was walk in and take two of them. And they give me $40 a piece at the bookstore in Boulder.

[Lee Syeda]

And they weren't. And you just kept selling the same album, like the same set?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, they didn't even. They don't care. They know you're a shoplifter. They don't care. You know, And I would go in there, like every time I was broke, I'd go in and get 2, 2, 2. I remember going in there one time and I'm like, man, I've taken a lot of these. Like this has been a month straight of two, two twos. There's like eight of them left. I'm like, I can't believe they haven't noticed. I should have never had that thought.

[Lee Syeda]

Oh yeah, you jinxed yourself.

[Joey Diaz]

I went back to next time. I went in like in the afternoon when it was laxed and shit. Now I'm out on bail for kidnapping, so I don't need this shit. But I needed it, you know what I'm saying? Like, I needed it to get cash. And I'll never forget. I'm coming out of there with two of them and two other ones and I'm starting to walk, and they're like, hey. And all of a sudden I started running and they're chasing me and I'm throwing the fucking thing at him. You know, they're behind me. And then the one guy fell and he ran back and got a cart. Like the one we were in the casino the other night, right? Like that. And him and the other guy chased me down.

[Lee Syeda]

In a golf cart?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, in a golf cart. And they caught me at the edge of the mall and there was a cop car there, so I had to stop.

[Lee Syeda]

Did you. You love throwing records at people. That made me think about you throwing, like, the little single tracks out of your window or something.

[Joey Diaz]

Like when somebody's chasing you and you throw something at them and I ain't doing nothing.

[Lee Syeda]

It's not like the movies.

[Joey Diaz]

You don't trip.

[Lee Syeda]

They just.

[Joey Diaz]

The biggest, dumbest thing I've ever done in my life. If you're going to turn around, it's because you got a gun and you're shooting at their feet, so they have to go down. I'm saying, did they ever.

[Lee Syeda]

Did they get pissed at you? Like, why are you throwing stuff at me? No.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't know what they said to me when they arrested me finally. I didn't say nothing. Who cares? But it's fun getting chased. But now they don't even chase you when you run out of cvs, like, with a box of makeup and shit. Do you know the money I'd be making now? The cvs?

[Lee Syeda]

Really? That's where you'd go?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, because women want stuff. Men want stuff. You know, one of those razors is like 30 bucks. I get 10 of those stuff. That's Christmas in my house. That's right on the arm, Jack. Boom. You just walk out. Everybody gets a razor. Grandma gets a razor. Everybody.

[Lee Syeda]

That'd be the Christmas present.

[Joey Diaz]

One stop shopping.

[Lee Syeda]

Oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

You get yourself. Then you figure out a place where you could rob one and bring it back and at least get 120 bucks or something. And now you got Christmas money on Christmas Eve and gifts for everybody. But now you got to wait till 26 is a big day.

[Lee Syeda]

Why?

[Joey Diaz]

That's a big shoplifting day. If you want to make big money.

[Lee Syeda]

Because everyone's paying attention. Everyone.

[Joey Diaz]

Nobody's got a receipt.

[Lee Syeda]

Oh, shit.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, but I think it's different now because they have those numbers, so when they scan them, it'll tell you when they bought, who bought it, who didn't buy it. So I think you're fucked. So maybe I'm wrong, but, you know, in the old days, 26, 27, 28, you could bring shit back till February 14th and say, I got it for Christmas, right? Just got around to it, you know, I would just walk in and pick up a blanket, one of those 200, $300 blankets, and walk them up to the counter. Hey, I'm sorry. I got this for Christmas. I don't know who gave it to me. Let's find out.

[Lee Syeda]

Did you ever do anything? I've heard of, like, at, like, Walmart, people will have, like, a TV box and they'll just put, like, rocks in it.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, I ain't gonna buy no more. That's. That's what the jamaicans are doing. 30 years ago.

Yeah, you go into the Lincoln Tunnel and they come up to you with a VCR$29, and you're like, okay. And you get home and it's a brick.

[Lee Syeda]

Oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

And. And. And some guys buying hummus with your $29, that would.

[Lee Syeda]

That would piss me off. I've. I had never experienced that. And, like, someone pulled up to me at, like, a car wash when I was, like, a teenager and was like, hey, man, I think it was like a necklace. Or, like, speak. No, speakers.

[Joey Diaz]

It was speakers, always speakers.

[Lee Syeda]

Who gets. Who gets tricked with that? Like that?

[Joey Diaz]

Dumb people. They just want rule number one is don't get involved, right? So as they come out of the car, like, hey, we've got this for sale. I'm good and keep walking. Unless I know that person and he's a bonafide thief, and I bought from him before, right? Okay, I'm not fucking with this guy. Hey, they pull over, it's like the best. You ever been in a car wash?

[Lee Syeda]

Okay?

[Joey Diaz]

Some guy pulls up to you and he goes, hey, you need bodywork. What? They'll come up to you and go, hey, man, you need bodywork? If you want, I could fix that right now. I got the dent there and the whole thing. We'll put some shellac on it and go away.

Go away. This is the beginning of something bad, right? This is just gonna be something bad. It's not gonna get any better. Don't even listen. It's the devil talking to you.

[Lee Syeda]

Did you ever make a mistake when you were broke and trust one of them?

[Joey Diaz]

No. No.

[Lee Syeda]

Do you Learn that living in this area. Like you learn this when I came from.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, when I was growing up, my mom had a thing. You don't have to talk to nobody, right? Don't get involved in conversation. If it's not for you, it's got nothing to do with you. You know, some guys like, help, help, my girlfriend got mugged. And you go over there and all of a sudden you're getting mugged. Oh, I dude in an alley, can you help my girlfriend? And you're trying to be the good. They don't know nothing.

[Lee Syeda]

It happened to me like a week or two ago. I had to do. Yeah, well, you know. Well, like you have to switch the side of the street you're parked on. So New York people just wait in their car and they pull out when the guy comes, and then they pull right back in when he leaves. This woman thought she was being cute and like pulled into someone's spot as everyone was pulling back in. And like, like this old lady was yelling at the person in the car. And I was gonna go over and like make like, you know, try to. But I was like, no, you know what? It's not my business. I don't need to protect any old.

[Joey Diaz]

Lady because that old lady might whip out a shotgun and there you are, ba boom for getting out of the car. So that was, that was the philosophy. You ever go to a mall and somebody's giving again? I'm not being racist or anything. I'm just telling you how it is. You ever go to a fucking mall on a Saturday and there's like two Jamaicans with dreadlocks selling something in the mall. Like it could be like a free picture or a free something. And you see like two 13 year old girls that get caught up because the guy is cute. And now they have to go take a picture. And now $18 and now. And it's just a scam, right? But none of that will. That's just a waste of time for you. None of that would have happened if you would have said, you know what? I'm not interested. Right? I'm not interested. And it's sad. It hurts your feeling. It hurts you as a human that you can't. But why get involved? I don't know this fucking guy and he wants to take a picture of me and charge me eight bucks and then he's gonna send me eight more copies in the mail and just don't get involved. Why go through that now?

[Lee Syeda]

Did you ever do any scams or.

[Joey Diaz]

Was it not like that?

[Lee Syeda]

Not like that.

[Joey Diaz]

Not like that. Like the pull you aside to rob you for 30 bucks. What the fuck? The fuck out of mall, right the fuck, man?

[Lee Syeda]

Or like the guys with the CDs. When you're outside of a store, they come up to you with a cd.

[Joey Diaz]

No, no, that's a scam. All that shit. All that shit, when they come on. And especially across that fucking bridge in the city. That's professionalism over there. That what they don't think about anywhere else in this country. It starts right over there in that fucking bridge. Yeah, okay. Once you go to that fucking tunnel on that bridge, that's racket city. And it's been like that since the Indians were here.

[Lee Syeda]

Dude, it's crazy. Like, there's the Indians.

[Joey Diaz]

Want to talk to the honkies. They would have still fucking owned New York, but they wanted to go over there and trade turkeys. They didn't.

[Lee Syeda]

Mind the business.

[Joey Diaz]

Mind your fucking business. I don't want no quiero no, no, no, no, no.

I don't know nothing. I don't want no pumpkins. I don't want nothing.

[Lee Syeda]

That's great. Yeah. Do you teach mercy that to me always?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, always. Because they forget, oh, the guy's cute. You just got taken by a cute guy. He just walked. It's like. It's like you go to a massage parlor and the front girl is fucking gorgeous, right?

[Lee Syeda]

Of course.

[Joey Diaz]

And you go in and you're like, oh, shit, do you have any availabilities? And she's like, yeah. And you're like, fuck it. I'm here for the next hour. What do you want? I want 80 for half hour. 160 if you want some extra, you can negotiate with the girl. And then you walk back there and they give you this fucking human sloth that looks like me, you know, with an eye patch on and shit. And you're like.

[Lee Syeda]

And there's no refund.

[Joey Diaz]

False advertising.

[Lee Syeda]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And the same thing happen. If they do that in businesses, they do it on the street with anything else. You know what?

[Lee Syeda]

I saw you. You actually did it pretty well this past weekend. Because we had a great time at the shows. But we get to the hotel and there's these guys who, like. I think you might have been the first person they've ever seen from tv. Because they, like. We walk in and there's immediately all like, eight of them. Like, he's famous. Like, they weren't trying to hide it at all. They weren't whispering.

[Joey Diaz]

I couldn't hear anything.

[Lee Syeda]

I was gonna say. I Don't know if you're actually deaf or you just pretend like you're not deaf because you were like sitting, you were just like not looking until like they like made a point of coming over and like saying one guy said.

[Joey Diaz]

Something when I was talking.

[Lee Syeda]

But like for like the six, seven minutes before he, he's famous. I, I, I promise you he's famous. Like they're.

And you might like, yeah, like that could get to other people. But you just, that, that being deaf thing is kind of working out for me.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, let me explain something to you. If I walk into a place and you think I'm fucking famous, there is something fucking wrong with you.

Do you know what I'm saying? Now that's Denville, Virginia, right? I got a roach that's famous in Danville, Virginia.

[Lee Syeda]

My fly is pretty famous.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, your fly is fucking. Yeah, he was on the plane, he.

[Lee Syeda]

Came out, he had to come get a signing.

[Joey Diaz]

You've been, cat, you've been holding them under like wraps and shit. You haven't been, you haven't been letting them loose. But you think about that. If everybody think, if you really think I'm famous now, what if I walked in there with Kid Rock?

[Lee Syeda]

They'd shit their pants.

[Joey Diaz]

No, not because I'm with Kid Rock. But you follow what I'm saying, right?

[Lee Syeda]

No, that's what I'm saying is like.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't fucking get all that stuff because famous is a guy that's taking a helicopter. If I was famous, I wouldn't be at the Hyatt.

At a three story hotel in Denville. If I was famous, I'd be at the W with the whole floor and security on every fucking floor. So nobody get up there while I'm sucking my own dick.

Yeah, that's a different level difference between famous and fucking. Or there's people who are famous who just live off credit cards. And now they got to maintain a fucking shield for people because now they themselves.

[Lee Syeda]

And there's also famous people who pay like paparazzi to be there. So like there's other guys who would have walked in and made a big commotion, like went over and like, hey, you guys want pictures? Like, just like made a whole big thing about it that it was crazy. I've never, that was like, honestly, did you have. I don't, I don't think you felt unsafe, but like, it was like the, honestly, one of the weirdest things I've dealt with with you. The only other time I dealt with it and it was funny was in Austin the way before, like, year. The first time I went there and we were staying. And you were pissed because we were staying at the Weston and we went into, like, a little bodega at the mall, and the guy was convinced you were big and you wouldn't take no for an answer. He's like, come on, just tell me. Like, I'm not.

The guy would not take no for a name. But he wasn't, like, creepy about it. Like those guys there. For a second, I was like, like, are we gonna have to do something? Like, it was like, kind of.

[Joey Diaz]

It's. I don't know, man. If somebody walked in that was famous, I wouldn't react, right? I'd be as cool as a cucumber. And if something was to happen, then it happened, but I wouldn't go, look who it is. Or, you know, right. Like to blow up that fucking spot.

[Lee Syeda]

Have you ever felt, like, scared when, like, in one of those situations, scared.

[Joey Diaz]

That some idiot is going to blow up my fucking spot? Right?

[Lee Syeda]

Yeah, especially.

[Joey Diaz]

That's the most important fucking thing. And that's what people do not understand. You walk into a restaurant, you're by yourself, you want to eat. Ba, ba, ba, ba. Listen, he's leaving. Catch him now on the way out or whatever. But they come over before I'm going to bite my food and go, hey, we want a picture. It's not happening because now everybody else is going to come over to bother me while I'm eating my food, right? Because they don't give a fuck.

They don't give a fuck. I don't mean to bother you.

[Lee Syeda]

But.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't mean to bother you. I don't mean to bother you. Do you know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syeda]

I never do this.

[Joey Diaz]

If I see you get it over with, don't fucking follow me for five minutes and then ask me for a picture.

[Lee Syeda]

My favorite one.

[Joey Diaz]

That shit drives me insane.

[Lee Syeda]

Oh, I'm sure. Just get it. Yeah, I've done it twice in the past, like, month. My favorite one, when I see someone that, like, I'm a fan of, I just. As I'm walking, I say, big fan. And, like, I don't even stop like that. That one I'm. I think is as much as I'll do. Like, I saw a tell the other night, and it like, the comedian I was. I was like a little girl. I was like. I just said, big fan. He said, hey, thanks, buddy. Which made me feel worse. Being called. Being called buddy was not good. But then I tortured Danny Braff because he opens for him. So I texted Danny, I said, hey, I just saw a tell. And I told him that you said it was okay for me to open for him. And then Danny got really. Did he really say that?

[Joey Diaz]

Don't be blowing up Danny's spot, okay?

[Lee Syeda]

I love Danny Braff. But no, it was. That was crazy. But that was a fun weekend. That was not even a weekend fun. 24 hours.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, Bville was fucking great, man. You know, listen, it's a new casino, It's a new fucking auditorium. I mean, fucking the fact that Youngblood was there a week or two before now. Like September, October, before Gabe had been there already. I mean, how the hell is Youngblood play. Denville, Virginia? Like whoever booked them, that was great. There was a warm up, couple gigs, who's gonna see him? And if he bombs in Denville, ain't nobody gonna fucking see you. You gotta be ready for Philly, Louisiana, New York, Houston.

[Lee Syeda]

Right?

[Joey Diaz]

Toronto. You know, you gotta be ready for those. But.

[Lee Syeda]

But it was one of the best audiences that we've had in like, honestly, we haven't had a bad show yet. But even like they were like really good.

[Joey Diaz]

They were excellent. And here's the difference.

When you play, it's like when you see a UFC in Vegas or even at the Garden or in LA, you watch a UFC, people take it for granted. They show up at 10. Meanwhile Theo's there at 4:30 watching the pre, pre, pre, prelims. But you just see all these people with all these empty spots. Then at 10 o' clock, they want to fucking show up. Like big shots. And I appreciate that. Go to a place like Minneapolis, Those motherfuckers pay 500 a ticket. They're getting there when the door's open. They ain't leaving till that place burns down. They pay 500 bucks. It's a different audience when you go see a Nick game. And I'm like, you know what? I'm going to fucking clean out my bank account and I'm going to sit in front row. For what? So I can bring you with me. So you're on the fucking phone the whole time, right? You know, and you see those people at those games and they're on the phone. They just paid 15,000 for a front ticket. And they're on the phone and giggling with each other. They're not even there. They don't even care about basketball. That destroys my insides. Because there's somebody in Kentucky that would sit on that thing at attention. And if you took your phone out, they come over and smack you like, put your fucking phone away. Respect the game. Do you follow me, man? Yep. When you do comedy in New York, Houston.

They could do comedy every night of the week. When you do comedy in towns like Danville, you know those places I told you about, Wyoming. When you go to that town, you're it.

[Lee Syeda]

And they're excited, but they're excited, okay.

[Joey Diaz]

You are it. Okay. They either had this to do or go shoot pigs. What they do every fucking weekend, they will pay the money to come to your show, and they will be so grateful that you're there. Right. Like, after we got on the plane, I felt bad because we had to leave right after that. And look what I ended up. What I flew back to do on Saturday, I didn't even end up doing.

[Lee Syeda]

Oh, no.

[Joey Diaz]

And I knew that night, I'm like, I should have known I wasn't gonna do this shit at 11 o' clock in the morning. And I felt bad because those are the people you want to talk to.

[Lee Syeda]

Oh, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

There's no pretense. They don't want to talk to you about acting, man. We just happy you came. And we got some weed for you. We got some meth. Oh, yeah. They'll give you shit. You know when you go, all young comics, when they all travel and they go, I want to get pussy and all that. The chance of you getting pussy in Houston and New York after a show are dead. Danville, all of us got a cotta piece.

[Lee Syeda]

You think so?

[Joey Diaz]

Because they'll blow you just for coming to town.

[Lee Syeda]

That grandma was really excited to talk to you.

[Joey Diaz]

I've been to those towns and all those comedians, fat, ugly, black, white, yellow, they get laid on number two. You're never gonna tell nobody. No, you don't get. They can suck your dick in the shower. You live in Boston, they're never gonna see you again. And some freaks are into that stuff. Like, I'll fuck him. I'll never see him again. Then they'll go back home and tell their boyfriend it was a great show, but you fucked him in the closet. Because they're into that shit. So those towns are always better to perform. They're more grateful. They're very fucking grateful. Go to an open mic in Paducah. I went to an open mic in Paducah. There was 50 people in there.

[Lee Syeda]

Oh, that's ridiculous.

[Joey Diaz]

You thought you were at fucking the dojo. Yep, 50 people on a fucking Tuesday night. And they're all drinking coffee, they're smuggling beer in, they're smoking joints outside. They're grateful Go to an open mic here.

[Lee Syeda]

Nobody.

[Joey Diaz]

It's a bunch of bums. We're gonna get three people this week. Gotta work at that. But at that level, I ain't mad at you because you're basically just learning how to do comedy. You're not gonna learn how to do them both, you know what I'm saying? Like Grimaud. Just learn how to do comedy. Don't worry about getting people in the door yet. Just worry about doing comedy.

[Lee Syeda]

And honestly, anytime anyone comes to an open mic, I feel bad for them. Like a regular person who's not performing comes to watch an open mic.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't know.

Some people want to see a fucking product that isn't prepared. Some people just like that shit.

[Lee Syeda]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Some people don't want to see nothing. They just want to wait for the Yankees to get to the World Series and they buy a hat. Correct, George. But nobody wants to be there in April. Nobody wants to be there in July in 9 degree weather. Right?

[Lee Syeda]

You know, and technically, I was barking before a show last weekend. I was talking to this woman about just. She's like, you know what? The best show. The best show she ever went to was like a. An audition for like, a Netflix thing. So it was like a bunch of, like, young comics who are like, super, super hungry. Because even she said. And I. I've thought it for a while, like, once people get well known, a lot of times the material goes way downhill.

[Joey Diaz]

You're not. Listen, a band's first album is the most powerful album they've had 30,000 years to work on. And they refined it on the road for a year and a half, and that's just the way it is. And Two might be really good, you know, some people, like, for Women, it dropped. Like, Sheryl Crowe's second album wasn't that good really, but she picked it up with the third one. You know, really good bands just got fucking better. Led Zeppelin, too, after One was a masterpiece. You know, they just get better. So it's really up to the artist in a way. Like, I've always had shitty material.

I don't have. Listen, there's some fucking jokes that are great, but for the most part, it's rubbish. But I know this going in. I just know how to sell it better than other people.

[Lee Syeda]

Yeah, but that's part of it, though.

[Joey Diaz]

Okay, but that. Let's just get to that. You know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syeda]

I feel you. I get what you're saying. But it's also like you've had your CDs and you had a couple of specials, but you also haven't put out a lot of stuff compared to other comedians.

[Joey Diaz]

Because you could see I changed my material too quick. Oh, I don't let it develop. I'd rather give somebody a really good show from the bottom of my heart, from what I'm feeling today. Right. That's why I can't do two shows at night, because I'm never gonna duplicate it. I'd rather go up there. What I'm feeling today, and go all out. I don't have. Listen, you get to an age where you don't quit, but you work around your disabilities. Whatever. You slow. One thing that's killing me, I'm not ranting on stage no more.

[Lee Syeda]

You did a little bit in Danville. You had your moments of doing that.

[Joey Diaz]

But I'm not ranting with anger, with the vein popping out of my head. I got to figure something out.

[Lee Syeda]

Listen, I can get that vein going if you want. If you want that to be my job. Yeah, we'll bring George.

[Joey Diaz]

He's the official vein FOMO menu over here. They're really fucking with magic markers on top of it to really fucking burn me up. So. So, you know, it's like, I like an open mic because.

And not for me.

First of all, I like an open mic to watch young comics.

[Lee Syeda]

Yeah, but you're a comic.

[Joey Diaz]

It doesn't fucking matter. You don't follow my point, okay? I'm watching comics that are fucking homegrown, and they're gonna make mistakes and they're gonna stutter and they're gonna say stupid shit. And that's where you find the humor. Oh, yeah, because. But you don't bust that. Cause I did the same thing. We all made mistakes up there. But that's the thing. You don't go to an open mic and heckle somebody. No, that's just being a fucking douchebag. You know, all that type of shit. That's no respect for the fellow. We're entertainers. We gotta respect our other people. But I'll go to an open mic, sit there and watch eight comics, and guess what? Even after 35 years, I'll learn something. So whoever tells you from watching those 35. Com, those eight comics. I don't go to open mics. I don't want to see that, okay? There's a lot of comedians that have ego, and they go, I don't watch other people's specials because I don't want to get their material in my mind. Don't say that. You don't watch other people's special because you're a selfish motherfucker. Really? Okay. Yeah, you're a selfish motherfucker and you think your shit don't stink so you won't watch nobody else's fucking special.

[Lee Syeda]

Well, I mean, to be honest, that's one of the reasons I watch some of the big ones, but. Yeah, I don't want people's. You think I should watch everything?

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, watching doesn't mean you're gonna leave it on for 50 minutes, okay? Some specials, dog, some comedy shit only lasts six minutes in your life.

[Lee Syeda]

It's a long six minutes.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, that's a long six minutes. And some people guide you through 40, and then you just sit there and analyze why they guided you through 40. What did they do to keep your attention for 40 fucking minutes? What were they doing? Did they keep it simple? That's what you're looking at specials as a comic for. And you're not gonna like anyone. You're not gonna like. That's what makes the world special, that we all don't wake up and go, huh, I want vanilla ice cream. No, I wake up and go, I want pistachio and pussy flavored ice cream. I want this. I want this. I want fingernails in my ice cream today.

[Lee Syeda]

And it's funny you bring this up because it's something that I was thinking about on the plane ride back is because something you haven't asked me in a while. But when we. When I first started, you would always ask me what you learned tonight after the show.

[Joey Diaz]

Everything. What'd you learn tonight?

[Lee Syeda]

And I was like, I was going to ask you. I was just loud on the plane and I didn't want. I don't like hammering you with comedy questions, but like, at 30 years in, do you learn something every fucking night?

[Joey Diaz]

Every fucking night. And if you don't stop fucking living. I Learned something at 62 years old this year I learned one of the biggest lessons of my fucking life that I knew, but for some reason I felt retarded. And we all can't be fucking sharp 24 hours a year, you know? And you learn things, man. And that's what life is about when you stop learning things because you're too fucking smart or too witty or whatever. Shoot yourself.

Shoot yourself.

[Lee Syeda]

How. How hard is it for you? Because it's hard for me to like, learn something but actually put it into practice. Like take what you learned and actually do it.

[Joey Diaz]

It takes you eight fucking times. It'll take you eight times after you learn it. And four of Them you'll bomb or you'll be put yourself. And that's what I. Look, we had. We experienced something the other night that I really enjoyed. And I love her to debt. Becky took $80 out of her purse and wanted to play blackjack. Okay. And I lost money, too. I lost 100 bucks quick, too. I'm not making fun of Becky. How do you learn about life? The biggest tax for me is money.

[Lee Syeda]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, I could drive over that.

$48,000 later, you know, I won't drive over that no more. You know what I'm saying? Money will always fucking teach you a lesson. But sometimes it's just. You just keep getting beat up if you're gonna keep doing the same shit and bombing after we told you. Like, I'll tell you something two times, right? And then I see you do them again. There's nothing to talk about. No more. There's nothing to talk about because you didn't. When you have a bad habit, you want to get out. And listen, man, I've been on every fucking drug in the world. They're all bad habits. I bit my toenails for a year. I picked my face. You know, we all have bad habits. It's just going, you know what? I can't do this no more. This is my money. This is the stage. I said something here a couple weeks ago, and this is the same thing. That one thing about me with comedy was when I got into comedy, I left who I. The shitty person I was behind. How many times I go into a comedy club and I'm sitting there and the comic on stage, his girlfriend leaves his purse in the green room, and I'm alone there for 45 minutes 20 years ago. The purse is gone, the car's gone, you're gone. Credit card's gone. You know, I'm gone. I could not let that fucking character flaw I had of being a fucking thief climb into that.

[Lee Syeda]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

So it's the same thing, you know? How much longer can I do this until I learned this? This is my. This isn't a me hanging out my friends or this isn't me watching a Jet game. This is what I aspire to do, right? I aspire to be that guy.

So I better stop doing this if I want to be that guy, right?

[Lee Syeda]

Dude, it happened to me this weekend. We got back, I passed out on your couch for a few hours. And on Saturday night, I was. Thankfully, I got it, but I asked for a midnight spot, and they gave it to me. And I was going out and I just. I w. This. I just wasn't in the mood to be funny last night. I don't know what it was. I just wasn't feeling it. And I wasn't gonna cancel the midnight, but they. It's weird how, like, the universe tests me sometimes. Like, there was for. And there was a double feature of both Kill bills, like, all over the city last night. And for a second, I was going. I must have been going like eight times. Like, I was gonna walk towards the train. I'm gonna go. But I have. It's like I have the Joey Diaz on my shoulder being like, you've.

[Joey Diaz]

You.

[Lee Syeda]

Oh. Not only do you own these movies, you've seen them both a ton of times.

[Joey Diaz]

Just. And I.

[Lee Syeda]

And I went out and I didn't do Guy. I didn't do great, but I got another spot. And it. I felt good that at least I didn't like, because I was even thinking like, that I would love to go to that movie that last night. But that's like the old Lee, I guess. Like, I had you in my head. Like, I. Joey would kill me if I went to a double feature again.

[Joey Diaz]

And this question you got to ask yourself, Do I have the luxury to sit in the movie theater for seven hours? Right?

Seven fucking hours in the movie theater.

[Lee Syeda]

Especially on a Saturday night.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, that's. That's something you do when you're retarded. When you're, you know, listen.

[Lee Syeda]

Oh, I'm that retarded. I love it.

[Joey Diaz]

I used to sit through crippled features all the time. George will tell you, San Francisco, New York City, I love all that shit. But did I have anything going on then? Why do you think I had nothing going on? You're in the fucking theater watching fucking three movies a day, two times a week. It's tough to get a career. Yeah, tough to get something going when you're watching a movie, daydreaming. That's gonna be me shooting people on the street one day watching Clint Eastwood. You know what I'm saying? So listen, you can live your life however you want, but if you're gonna be that dude, whoever that dude is, you know, whoever that fucking person that you wanna be is, ask yourself, do you think he's in a fucking movie theater on a Saturday night watching Kill Bill 1 and 2, which. Who gives a fuck?

[Lee Syeda]

Right, Exactly.

[Joey Diaz]

Like who gives a fuck. Yeah. I mean, so you did the right thing, but on the other end, Lee, look, you're doing a show during the week. You do shows for 30 people, 40 people. I'm gonna give you a fucking gift right now. When you go do a show with me, it's over a thousand people. Every one of those thousand people is another bug of your energy, right? Okay. It's another piece of your energy. You're not talking to 13 people no more. I'm talking to 2,000 fucking people, which is crazy. That's a big energy boost. I don't care if you're 30, 40, or 50, because when it happened to me, you go home and black out. You just go home.

[Lee Syeda]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You go home and black out. Like you can't even believe what just fucking happened. Never mind the energy that you expend. Like that day. I didn't do nothing. Nothing. Because they threw us out of the hotel. I was gonna go to the gym in the afternoon, right? Cause I went in the morning. Becky goes, yeah, there's a gym. So I saw the gym. I wonder if I took a nap. I wake up and they're like, oh, you gotta leave the hotel. But I don't know what he was gonna say to you.

[Lee Syeda]

You didn't do anything that day.

[Joey Diaz]

I didn't do anything that day. When I got on stage, my whoop was 5.1. When I got on stage, it was 11.8. Damn.

[Lee Syeda]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Okay, so you don't think you're expending energy, you're just up there like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. There's 2,200 people in there, man. And everything I give in, I gotta take back. Yeah. So the energy I give them, their laughter is back at me. That's a lot. That's a lot of fucking laughter coming at you. And I'm like, think about Gabriel 60,000 people next month or Shane, 70,000 in July, bro. That's tiring. That wears. That's a lot of energy, guys. You know, we all run through electricity, right? Like, we all have electricity in ourselves. Yep. How much electricity is in that room? Going. And you're popping edibles and fucking. You know, you leave there and your hips hurt. Like, when I got off stage on that, my knee hurt. Not the bum knee, but the fucking good knee. I was like. Cause you're standing there, you're fucking giving your energy. You're giving your life. You want to do great. So always remember that when you have those the next day, don't plan on nothing unless they're paying you a shitload, because that's the only thing that's gonna motivate you.

[Lee Syeda]

Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

You're gonna lay down, get up. And I don't Want to go? Cup of coffee. But this is what you're picking up, Then you go. But if you just want to do a free spot after those things, what were you even thinking? And at midnight, like a real fucking Puerto Rican. Come on. Come on.

[Lee Syeda]

Yeah, I did it. 10:30 and at midnight.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, there's no comedy at midnight. No, there's no comedy. What do you got, eight people?

[Lee Syeda]

Yeah, they got like 12 people.

[Joey Diaz]

Shoot yourself.

[Lee Syeda]

I'm a whore, though. I really.

[Joey Diaz]

We all are. That's the problem, that you want to stop the overhaul because then you're going to get burnt out. You were burnt out that night. You just said it. You were not in the mood to tell a fucking joke, right? Yeah, but you went down there, you know. Yeah, And I get it. You had nowhere to go either. You were like fucking Richard Gere in office and a gentleman. But there's time. And listen, for years, I didn't experience burnout. You know what burnout is? When I got to call the club and go, I'm not coming down. That.

[Lee Syeda]

You know, I can't even imagine doing that.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, I'm not coming down. I can't. I can't talk. I can't get out of the fucking bed. I just did eight shows, 2,000 people yelling and screaming and hugging and kissing. Then two flights. You think I'm gonna. Oh, I told you I'd go on Sunday, but it ain't gonna happen, man. I got home. Yeah, I was gonna take a nap with my daughter, you know, my wife. What do you. You come home from the road on Sunday, what do you think, you're just gonna go to bed? They wanna talk to you. You haven't been around for two days. Yeah, and they wanna sock it to you. Now it's two days of no talking. They've been talking to their mother or their fucking retarded friend. So now you get there and they don't even give a fuck. Once they start, they ain't shutting up. 40 minutes. You thought those 2200 people were a lot of energy. Wait till you get home and she's blasting about her nieces and nephews, and you're like, what I do to deserve. I just want to watch the fucking jets get beat up on a Sunday. You know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syeda]

Oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

Hold on real quick. We got to do a breather.

[Lee Syeda]

Let's do it.

[Joey Diaz]

I got to talk to you about some fucking probiotics. Let's start the podcast. Rock your world, huh?

[Lee Syeda]

I said, let's start the podcast.

[Joey Diaz]

We didn't start it yet?

[Lee Syeda]

No, we. This is. We're starting.

[Joey Diaz]

It started. I'm talking here for 20 minutes and now you want to tell me we didn't start the podcast?

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Kick this motherfucker mule. We're back, bitches.

Anyway, you know what? I want to talk to you about that. I was thinking about this on the plane. That was my last real big show of the year, okay? I don't have anything until January 31st in Staten Island. That was it. And it was so weird how the year started and how the year ended. And I got to tell you something, I was very grateful because when I started this year, I started the year in the hospital from the fucking 9th of January. I was in the hospital for five fucking days. And then I came out. I didn't know where I was gonna do, like. I'm like, we hadn't done the podcast in like two weeks because of the holidays or something. We had missed a date. And I was like, I don't know what the fuck we're gonna do. And listen, I ended up back in the hospital a month later, and then a month after that. So there was something going on in my world that just wasn't making it work out for me. But the fact that we did all those shows this year throughout all the bullshit, the teeth, the fucking Tooth falling out. Cause then the tooth fell out last fucking week, too. I almost went to Danville with a missing fucking front teeth.

[Lee Syeda]

Oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, you know, it's been that type of year. But it being that type like most people, like, you know, I'm done with 2020. Listen.

I was in the hospital. But how fucking great were the shows that we did? How great is Titan Aviation? We discovered Titan Aviation now. How great are them? How great are the caliber of the shows that I don't have to fucking work a weekend. It's a casino. It's one night and we're fucking out of that. You know, Listen, how long is this going to last for? Who the fuck knows? I don't even give a fuck. Because the way I look at it now I'm supposed to be fucking dead. And the fact. The fact.

[Lee Syeda]

Oh, Jesus.

[Joey Diaz]

That I'm on the fucking road once a month and doing the dojo and doing Nyack and, you know, it just.

It's fucking. When you go to Carvell and they give you a lot of hot fudge. That's what it is. It's just a lot of hot fudge. And I'm grateful like you wouldn't fucking believe. I am so fucking grateful that at 62, I'm making a living. There was a time where I knew at 40, I couldn't fucking make a living. Could not make a living. You're looking at a guy that at fucking 40, could not make a fucking living. So next time you want to put a gun in your fucking mouth because I can't pay my car payment, go fuck yourself. Okay? I could not make a living. I could not make a living. When I was 25 years old with a wife and a kid, I could not make a living. I could steal a living, and I could kidnap you for a living, and I could snort a living, but I could not make a fucking living, guys. And the fact that at 62 we're doing this shit and it's just, listen, I'm grateful as a motherfucker, and you've.

[Lee Syeda]

Always been pretty grateful. But why do you think, just for everybody, why do you think bad stuff has to happen for people to be grateful? It seems like that's when people are most grateful. It's when bad shit happens. And like, oh, like, why it sucks. We can't be, like, thankful.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, dog, when you're looking at the fucking. When you're looking at the screen of your. Of your blood pressure and there's five people staring at that screen and staring at You. And they don't know what's going on. And you're sitting there going.

I could go into a stroke right now. This is 215 over 190. This is stroke fucking shit, right? And all of a sudden, I'm still there the next night eating edibles. You gotta be a little fucking grateful, okay? Yeah, you gotta be grateful, okay? And that's what most people forget along the way. These people that you see and the fucking watches and all this shit. Like, you know, it's like just being grateful is such a great feeling to just go, jesus Christ. We started the year in a fucking hospital. I still remember on Mercy's birthday, I couldn't take three steps. I went to that urgent care, and this ain't no shit. This ain't no lie to nobody. Three steps, and I would have to stop and hold on for life. They gave me a treatment in there that got me home and whatever. And she goes, I don't even want you to go home. I want you to go straight to the hospital. I don't want my daughter to come home on her birthday and I'm in the hospital. Let me hold off till tomorrow. Just get me. Patch me up so I could last till tomorrow morning. I'll turn myself in.

I don't give a fuck. So the fact that we did Austin and sold out two shows. Yeah. The fact that we did NJ pac, which I didn't even know existed. The fact that we did Philly, the fact that we did the Other side of Florida, Fort Lauderdale, you know, the fact that we did D.C. and then they shot two people the week after, you know, double murder. You know, we weren't there that week, so don't even look at me, motherfucker. The fact that I wake up two days ago and I see Diddy sent me an Instagram.

[Lee Syeda]

Oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

Holy shit. You know, I didn't know those messages existed.

[Lee Syeda]

Dude, we have to explain that. And I'll try to get the picture from you to have them put it up, but you put that up like, you put up every picture. It's all zoomed in. You can't really see. I saw just the name up top. And can you explain what fucking happened, Doug?

[Joey Diaz]

I'm sitting there one day and I get these people. I went somewhere one day and some guy said to me, he goes, joey, I don't mean to be a pain in the ass to you. He goes, but I sent you two Instagram messages. He never replied to me. And I go, doug, I'm looking. You Straight in the face. I never got him. If I would have got him, I would have replied to you. He goes, check it out. So right in front of him, I go, when did you send it? He goes, oh, about three weeks ago now. It tells you 44 weeks or 10 weeks.

[Lee Syeda]

Send the message.

[Joey Diaz]

We went back together. And he goes, that's funny. He goes, joey, I sent it to you twice.

And it's like messages primary and then general. I didn't see that. So I hit primary. And like, the first message, I can't even tell you what it says. It's so fucking disturbing. So I looked at it. I thought it was just spam. I thought it was just people pretending to be Diddy. Yeah. No, no, no, no. Nobody said Diddy, okay? Nobody said Diddy. It was just idiots saying fat fucking lips. Just a bunch of shit. That they weren't insulting me. They were just sending me flies with that type of stuff. So I looked at it for, like, five minutes ago. These are a bunch of idiots, right? And then I was sitting somewhere and I go, let me look at this again. And I started looking at the primaries. Oh, I was taking that test that day when they were kicking me in the stomach with the fucking water bottle and shit. So I'm sitting there in that room for 45 minutes. I got nothing to do, you know? And I'm like, I don't want to play blackjack in the afternoon, so. Or whatever the fuck. I play Wheel of Fortune, right? Yeah. So fucking. I started looking at those messages and, oh, my God, it was like people going, hey, Joey, we're really a big fan. We're coming to your show. This is like two months ago. I'm looking at these messages, and then it just kept going.

[Lee Syeda]

That you've never seen?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, not one of them. And then I saw one from Jessica Kirsten, Woman of Return, some other comedians. When I moved to the area that reached out to me and said, joey, I got a room if you want to stop by. You know, a guy with a movie, all these things. And I'm like, holy shit, this is getting interesting. And all of a sudden I open up and it goes, hey, King, give me your number or something. And I looked at him and he goes, diddy. And I'm like, nah, this is like somebody else. And then I looked at it. It was verified. And then I had to call my daughter when I got home, I showed her. I go, terry Mercy, don't say nothing. What is this? She goes, that's diddy, Daddy. Got 20 million followers. Yeah. So it was. And he was meeting with comedians a few years ago, and somebody asked me, do you want to meet with him? And I go, I'm not going to California. At that time, it was the pandemic or the flights or whatever. And I'm like, I'm not in the mood to go to California. And I found that thing, but I found some heavy duty, like, weird messages.

I found naked pictures of women. Like, they always got to send those things in there. No, they don't.

[Lee Syeda]

I don't. I know where all my messages are. I don't have any naked pictures.

[Joey Diaz]

Holy. I found this black chick that sent me everything and this crazy white chick, like, from England that had a dildo and a pussy and one of those ice dildos that are made from ice or whatever. And I'm like, oh, the butt plugs? No, the fucking thing you take out of the freezer and it's frozen, and they put in that. But, no, no, no, dog.

[Lee Syeda]

They. One that they put in the freezer.

[Joey Diaz]

Now, listen, I don't know. I'm an old man.

[Lee Syeda]

It sounds like you know a lot about it.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't know. I'm not into the vibrator world. You know what I'm saying? Jesus Christ, Lee. I don't know.

[Lee Syeda]

Holy shit. What would you have done if, like, would you have called Diddy, like, if you saw that?

[Joey Diaz]

I would have answered him at 2023. But. And here's the sad thing, there's another 500.

[Lee Syeda]

500 what?

[Joey Diaz]

Messages.

[Lee Syeda]

Oh, damn.

[Joey Diaz]

I haven't even tapped into.

But it happens in messenger, too, with fucking MySpace or Facebook, right? You go on messenger, these people sending you offers and shit. You're like, what the fuck? Can't you just get it to my regular email? What do I gotta do? They gotta follow you. Oh, yeah.

[Lee Syeda]

You're not friends, dude, you should go back to your MySpace. Can you imagine the messages you'd find on there from 20 years ago?

[Joey Diaz]

You know what if I'm on MySpace, dog.

[Lee Syeda]

MySpace. I love when you say that. Like, Internet stuff disappears. It doesn't. It's always there. You just go. You forgot your password or something. You're like that. I can't, like, remember when we were doing the podcast on Zoom, and they were like, I don't know, like, four weeks in a row that you just. You kept downloading Chrome. I. I got into your laptop and you're like, 84 Chrome on your computer.

Oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, it's like, I don't really know what the fuck I'm Doing. And people just. I love when people send me shit and they assume that I know.

Okay? Like, I got. There's two dates I have next year. They abort tormenting me to accept something on Facebook. I have to go to a different page and go to their page and accept. They don't know that that's not going.

[Lee Syeda]

To happen and not because you're being attacked.

[Joey Diaz]

My agent called me. They're getting there. They keep bugging us. I go, cancel the date.

Tell them, first off, first off, it's March 5th. What do we do? What are we doing? I'm going to all the holidays. I'm not doing that. You got to give people a fucking break, okay? Right now, I got a whole month that's open in December. It's the fucking seventh or the eighth or the ninth, whatever the fuck it is. I got a whole month that's open, and I'd love to fucking make some more money with it. There's no sense. That's it. It's gonna be the roughest Christmas on fucking. Everybody's gonna have a rough Christmas, and I wanna be out there pimping on the 26th. Forget it. Give them a fucking breather. There's no comedy. It's about your family now. It's not about fucking some stupid shit. It's about your family. So, you know, yeah, we'll do some open mics at the dojo, whatever, but I'm not putting no tickets on sale till mid January right now. Give people a breather. You're not that fucking important. They don't need to see you every fucking weekend, you know? And that's it.

[Lee Syeda]

Does it feel good to tell them, like, cancel the date, knowing they're not going to cancel it because of this? Because, like, for a guy like me, like, I get all nervous, like, oh, the club's going to get upset.

[Joey Diaz]

I just. Listen, man, we. You're part of this economy. You're in a casino. You see what's going on. You see, we laid some jokes out the other night. Did you hear what we were talking about? The guy goes something. Nobody will hire me. I go, Go to Vegas. He goes, they ain't gonna hire me. Ain't nobody gonna hire you in Vegas. You were right there. And the guy goes, in Jersey, either. Ain't nobody gonna hire you in a casino. Now things are rough. So you want me to go on fucking line right now and start making people buy tickets? Then they have Christmas money for their kids.

70%. 70%. They're not fucking around. That's It. That's it. Give them a breather. That's it. And I, you know, I'm hearing a lot of people having a hard time selling New Year's. They put them on sale. They sold like three tickets. Because nobody knows anything till the week of now, right?

[Lee Syeda]

And you don't want to commit to it.

[Joey Diaz]

And you don't want to commit to it. The fuck is wrong with you? You. You're gonna commit 200. I mean, I'm waiting for the deals to come out for the year. The spend New Year's with U.S. 249. You got a dinner, an appetizer, a whistle, and a glass of fucking. And a glass of ass water. Champagne. I want to see what those prices are gonna be and how many people are gonna go out this year, okay? Cause they're not gonna be. You're not gonna find ones unless you're eating salmon from fucking the river. You're not going to find somebody who's going to eat. And spaghetti cost you $3 to make. So you got a couple of idiots come to the vfw, you know, macaroni dinner, some fat chick with fucking sauce, fucking creamy Italian dressing that they make with a package. But they're going to ban, you know, that I could see, you know, 49 ahead, 59 ahead. What's it going to be this year for? Buck 25, bro? Buck 50. People are going to go, you know what?

We'll sit at home, get a big bag of reefer. We'll get every fucking thing on the menu, and we'll sit at home and smoke dope and invite people over and tell them, come over at 9 if you want to leave at 11 and go jump up and down with Dick Clark and go sit at the bubble. Ha ha ha ha. Go ahead. It's amateur hour. You know what I'm saying? That.

[Lee Syeda]

Can you imagine if Dick Clark was still doing it? Like 115 years old?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, he's. He couldn't even stay up and have to fucking pump oxygen in his ears and shit like that. But it's. It's like, you know, you gotta give people a breather. This is not. This is not the best economy. And they're not telling you this on World News Tonight. They're not telling you this. You're realizing this for yourself. Every time you go shop a gallon of milk is $4. It's this, it's that. And you're like, what the. When is this gonna end? My pockets are getting fucking. I got rabbit ears. Every time you walk around America, it's tough. There's no savings. Their cards are banged up. And you know what? I'm so funny. I'm gonna bang a Show on the 26th to really get these and sell T shirts and, you know, relax.

[Lee Syeda]

It's much nicer because. And there's a lot more pressure when it's an expensive ticket for it to.

[Joey Diaz]

Be a good time and fucking listen, man. You don't. It's like January. Nobody does dick in January till those Visa cards come back, right? Because people are just out. Jingle bells.

[Lee Syeda]

Happy Hanukkah, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Jingle happy, yeah. Fuck it. They don't even know. They don't want to know. They don't want to know till January 20th comes in.

We're gonna have to eat macaroni and cheese this month. We're gonna have to get fucking. You know, that's it. Because some people listen. It's the holidays. Nobody likes being fucking broke. And I was there fucking many times on the holiday where somebody invited you over, thank God, and you stole a tie from somebody's house and you put it in a box. So somebody got a gift here. Merry Christmas. The guy looked. He knows it's stolen. You know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syeda]

Dude, that was one of my favorite jokes, and it was probably a throwaway joke for you. And if I. We can cut out if you want. It was from. It's either you or the priest. You. I think you opened with it. You said, giving out handshakes for Christmas.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, that.

[Lee Syeda]

That is one of the best broke.

[Joey Diaz]

Where you just giving out handshake. And good ones, too. When you grab them and you look them in the eye. Merry Christmas, dog.

Merry. Merry Christmas. I love you. Oh, and they're looking around for, like, a bottle or something.

[Lee Syeda]

Like, you keep shaking.

[Joey Diaz]

You got them so hand. They can't even look to see what else is there. Like, oh.

[Lee Syeda]

Oh, my God. It's amazing, that. Dude, you just throw out these lines.

That, like, that no one has even considered before. Like, it's my favorite part about watching you. And you never. And you'll never throw them out again.

[Joey Diaz]

No. No, Doug, I'm going up the hill in North Bergen with my daughter in the car. And there's a kid on the corner. You know those Unga Bunga people? There's little things in the guy's hair sticking up.

[Lee Syeda]

Unga bunga.

[Joey Diaz]

Him and his mother on the corner, like. Cause I cut up 80th street or 81st street, and I. You know, I get to the corner there, and I mean, they weren't even like, you know. You know, I'm gonna make the fucking. I was gonna make the left turn on Kennedy to go to Fairview to stop at Kraus. So, you know, we just got stuck there. And all of a sudden, out of nowhere, this family comes and they're like the Unga Bunga family. I don't know what nationality they were.

[Lee Syeda]

It doesn't matter.

[Joey Diaz]

Being racist. But their hair was straight up. Me and Mercy, look at him. Mercy goes, she looked at me. She goes, dad, his hair looks reversible.

And I'm like, that is pretty fucking funny. And they did. They looked like they could take their wig off, pull it in, it's a different color.

[Lee Syeda]

I should get that. I should get one of those.

[Joey Diaz]

What's that?

[Lee Syeda]

A reversible wig.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, my God. Like one side's an afro and the other side you like a beetle. You know what I'm saying? Like one of the Beatles. I would love. I need a great fucking invention. A dual wig. Yeah, we gotta get to that. We'll be right back after this break. We're gonna talk to you about testosterone boosters and probiotics. Probiotics, no. And jeans and jeans. You're gonna love these jeans. We'll be right back. What up, beautiful people? Uncle Joey here. If you're like me, you gotta stop sucking in your gut to fit in your jeans. No need. You ever hear the perfect Jean? The perfect Jean fits like a dream and you show off the goods. Bam. Skinny, athletic, thick as hell. Like Uncle Joey, the perfect jean has a style to cover your back, your crack, no matter what your shape. I got them in black, I got them in beige. And I got them in a beautiful blue jean and a light skinned blue jean, like faded, whatever the hell they call it. The perfect jean fits all sizes and it's easy to find a pair that fit. I love them. I love them. They have the stretched little waist. Tremendous. Let the perfect Jean update your whole closet. Listen, if you're a guy, this clothes is great, okay? And it's cheap and it gets delivered to your house and it looks great. And trust me, these are the people you want to do with it. You grab some polos and a pair of shorts to freshen up your look and get ready, you know what I'm saying? Unless you got to go down to Miami and run with the freaks. Don't let stiff jeans ruin your holidays. Join the over 500,000 dudes who've already uncrushed their nuts with the perfect gene Head to the perfect gene nyc. Or Google the perfect gene for a limited time. Church family, you're going to get 15% off your first order. Plus free shipping exchanges and returns. Just Youth Coast Church 15 at checkout. Again, that's 15% off your first order. When you use Church 15 at the PerfectGene NYC. ThePerfectGene NYC. Save today and stay perfect. Happy holidays. Uncle Joey, I want to talk to you about something. Listen, I know a lot of you guys, you start losing testosterone at the age of 30. Right now you're starting to lose 1% every year. That's why there's Mars Men. Mars Men is designed to help unlock testosterone. Just take capsules daily in the morning with food. No synthetics, no needles, just real ingredients like vitamin D K1, K2, maybe a little iron in there. Listen, once you go on Mars Men, you're going to feel a lot better. When testosterone start to go down, you'll feel in your body, low energy levels, libido's not working right. You know what I'm saying? You hook up with this, the fans of the church get 60% off for life. Did you hear what I just said? Mars Men, for a limited time only, the church family is going to get 60% off for life. Plus two free gifts for when you press in code Joey. Joey@ MengotoMars.com. are you kidding me or what? Men, go to Mars.com. press it code Joey at checkout, support the show and tell them the church sent you again. Men, go to mars.com and get ready to unlock your savagery. We're back, Jack. Like I said, we got two more Mondays till Christmas, so chop chop. Have you used to go Christmas shopping yet? I haven't done dick.

[Lee Syeda]

Fuck Christmas shopping.

[Joey Diaz]

I haven't even looked.

[Lee Syeda]

No, dude, I usually do on black. I got to be honest, I didn't do much this year because the wedding's expensive. But usually like as an adult, my favorite day of the year is Black Friday and Cyber Monday. I buy anything, it's like my Christmas or my Hanukkah. I just buy what I want for me?

Yes. What do you mean there are two?

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, if you walk in there and you use your Jewish, there's every Monday's Black Monday and every day cyber fucking. But you go in there and like you listen to them old school Jews go in there and negotiate like whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That's pretty nice. But what can we do on that?

[Lee Syeda]

How are you gonna. You can't negotiate.

[Joey Diaz]

Can you throw in this? Then you start working for accessories. You know what I'm saying, so when you're a real Jew, it's Cyber Monday every fucking day because you're working it. I mean, I've seen Jews work sodas at bodega's when I was a kid.

[Lee Syeda]

They. Oh, dude, they would. I would love to.

[Joey Diaz]

You know what?

[Lee Syeda]

I want to try that now just to see what they'd say.

[Joey Diaz]

How about I give you 80 for the Snapple? You know, let me give you 80 cents for the Snapple. 85. Come on, dog. You're killing us with this shit. This shit's made out of fucking dick juice, you know?

[Lee Syeda]

Would that ever work for you? Did, like. Did you ever try that with, like, a guy at a corner store and he was like, fuck, fine.

[Joey Diaz]

No, no, he's gonna get a $20. A Snapple all day long. All day long. Unless he's on the street selling it and he's got, like, not consistent flavors.

[Lee Syeda]

Right?

[Joey Diaz]

You know what I'm saying? Like, he's got two lemons and one blue raspberry and one pineapple. That dude stole those.

[Lee Syeda]

Oh, dude.

[Joey Diaz]

So you can negotiate them. And we were just.

[Lee Syeda]

I was on the street the other day when it was raining. This guy had a fucking cart of umbrellas. It was the. Those guys are so fucking smart. And, like, we. You were talking about hustlers, dude. The people in, like. Like, you were talking about New York being good people, like, from outside this country. Like, when I went to Israel, like, the. Like, the people in the markets there, they grab you and bring you into the store. And then while I was 18, and this guy was like, I was trying to get out of there, like, oh, I'll come back tomorrow. He's like, why don't you leave your id? And, like, they don't around.

[Joey Diaz]

Leave your id. D. That's.

[Lee Syeda]

Yeah. Just so you come back, it's like, dude, they convinced me to buy some stuff, like a blanket. Like, they. It's especially for me, like, because, A, I don't like confrontation, and, B, like, I. I start to feel bad, but, like, every. Sometimes I'll buy something. Like. And, like, I don't even realize I bought something until, like, a couple hours later. I'm like, well, I don't. I didn't need.

It's fucking crazy. And you. They just. They're so. I don't know if it's powerful or it's like a mind trick, but I don't even know I'm buying something.

[Joey Diaz]

It's hunger.

[Lee Syeda]

And they just. It's hunger convince you of anything.

[Joey Diaz]

It's hunger. That's the way they live. That's the way they feed their families. Right? There's no Social Security, there's no unemployment. So think about it. You're buying. You're buying. And we're going to start you high. Look at that tv, Lee, right? I'm not looking for it. Look. Look at that. Look at that. What do you mean you can't look that. That's not any ordinary tv. Oh, well, you don't want a tv. Okay, how about a camera, right? You know, I already have a camera. How about a tripod?

[Lee Syeda]

Or what about as a chubby guy.

[Joey Diaz]

Going, how about the leg on a tripod? I'll sell you that for four hours. Because you're not leaving without spending something, right? It's their time. That mindset of a really good salesman. They're gonna fucking trick you in so many ways and throw you out to sea and bring you back and sell you on this and then switch you. You don't even. That's what you said. You don't even know what's going on. Yeah, okay. You don't like confrontation, but you can know. Listen, I ain't buying this today, all right? This ain't working. You could use all your salesmanship skills today. Houdini ain't lifting the rock. I loved when I had no credit. Like, when I had no credit, no way of buying anything. I'd go into a car dealer, let me get the baddest Lamborghini in this bitch.

Yeah. Give me bulletproof windows. You got the Tony Montana car. I want the same fucking car. And let me do a five liner, just five lines on a credit app. You come back, like fucking. The computer goes bop. It just blows up and they gotta walk back, you know, Are they pissed? Did you ever do that?

[Lee Syeda]

That's so funny.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm just saying, like. Cause people did it to me when I was sell. I want to buy that. You have good credit. I got great credit. And then you come back, dog, you didn't pay your water bill for a fucking year. And your water bill was $29 a month. How they gonna give you credit in the car? But that's not the point we're talking about, right? The point we're talking about is when you run into some. Listen, I don't know what it was. I was driving up here before Mercy. We were listening to something. We weren't even talking. And I thought about something and I thought about. And I hate fucking harping on this shit, but you have to harp on it, especially in today's America.

Hunger is hunger.

And.

What do you call those people?

Immigrants, okay? Immigrants. You know, and look at the jobs the immigrants are doing. Look at the jobs we tamed. We just gave the cooking.

Everybody thinks the Mexicans are landscapers and this and that. We just gave them. I can't wait till they go on strike one day. All these Mexicans and you gotta eat. Fucking McDonald's.

[Lee Syeda]

Oh, Mexicans work there too.

[Joey Diaz]

McDonald's. You ever see that? Yeah, I don't see Mexicans at McDonald's by my house. Really? A lot of brothers, A lot of fucking white chicks. Students.

[Lee Syeda]

Okay? You know, I haven't been in a while. Maybe they stopped working. Maybe they stopped working there. But dude, there's everywhere. And they like as much. Like, I love complaining. They don't complain. I don't. Especially in places like New York. It's amazing to me that. That people survive.

[Joey Diaz]

We have. No, listen, if you see all that in the kitchens, who's going to cooking school? Is anybody? I think we're living in a society where people avoiding the trades and the trades in five years are gonna start fucking paying.

[Lee Syeda]

I think it's already gone.

[Joey Diaz]

If you're a brick mason or an electrician or a fucking auto mechanic that knows all that computer shit, your life is gonna be up there, money wise. I don't give a fuck what they tell you because we're running out of those fucking people. We don't have them. We don't have any, bro, it's so fucking bad out there. It's just bad. No matter where the fuck you turn, you go to employees. We're hiring people that would never get hired 20 years ago. This country. They would have never got hired in this country 20 years ago. Every day I walk into a store and I'm in shock on people that are the face of that business for the day and they can't speak the language.

[Lee Syeda]

Now, as someone who like, again, I'm.

[Joey Diaz]

Not racist, I'm not saying this, but I want you to understand. I have a fucking shoe store, okay? I have a shoe store. Not Tom McCann, not Gino Ferranti. This is Joey Diaz shoe store. It was given to me by my fucking father, okay? And now I pick up a little fucking success. You know, we start selling men's boots and something else. And all of a sudden, one day, I don't want to work the shift. So I call a chicken. She's beautiful, but she don't speak the fucking language. You ever call somebody to buy a plane ticket and they're Somewhere else, and you're repeating numbers, and they don't know. And three. Three. Three. Z. Is it Z? And three. You know.

And again, you're not a bad person. You're not a bad human being, and you don't. But think about it, dude.

[Lee Syeda]

There's times where I'm, like, calling to get a refund or fix something, and that happens.

[Joey Diaz]

They put no English people on those refunds or customer service. Me don't. Where do you call? You know? And you're like, you know what? And they do that for you, just for you to quit.

[Lee Syeda]

Yeah, it works.

[Joey Diaz]

Like, you know what? I'll just lose the 50 bucks or the $58 or whatever the service was. But, you know, we're not hiring the people, dog. Tell them about the casino, dude. The first dealer we had.

[Lee Syeda]

Oh, my God. The casino was very nice, but there was a dealer, and I've never seen this before, and everyone's had a first day at something, but this dude, I don't think he never had a first day.

[Joey Diaz]

Adopted.

[Lee Syeda]

Oh, well, there was a guy before. There was a dude who looked like Peter Griffin who was just really slow. But there was a guy who. And I've never. I've never seen this happen before. Nick was sitting in the first seat. I was in the second seat. I got at an 11, so I just put out my money to double it. And the dealer just, like, got excited for me and just skipped Nick.

He didn't ask him about his cards. And Nick was like, hold on. And I got okay cards, but, like, like, dude. And if you go to, like, places where people, like, are actually, like, degenerate gamblers, they would have flipped the table at that. Because you. You can't fudge a table up like that. The cards are all wrong now for the entire shoe. Everyone's fogged, and it's just like, I've never. That was. That was fun.

[Joey Diaz]

Who trained them?

[Lee Syeda]

Nobody.

[Joey Diaz]

Like, he went to, like, gambling school somewhere. Like, two weeks of dealer school. Yeah, he was counting on his hands.

[Lee Syeda]

I mean, you know, dude, you played blackjack? I've never. You've never sat down? You play. You play video poker and you play slots sometimes, but you actually sat down at a table and were playing black.

[Joey Diaz]

You guys were having a good time. When in Rome. It's like when I got mad at you because you didn't eat the mushrooms.

[Lee Syeda]

Yeah, okay.

[Joey Diaz]

I never gamble. But when in Rome, you're with your friends, everybody's having a good time. Fuck it. We had a good year. Take five twenties Out. I'm not gonna make you or break you. If I sat there and said, oh, I'm a big shot. Let me take eight grand out. You got what you deserve, you stupid motherfucker. You never played blackjack.

But again, I learned the $100 lesson, and I won't play blackjack for a few years now. You follow me? Even in Joe, it was just a hundred bucks. That's all I need. I could buy and ate the weed and rolling papers and a nice shrimp parmesan sandwich with 100 bucks.

[Lee Syeda]

I wish I was like that. I get. I get pissed off for like a second, but then I start to itch again. Like, if I lived in Vegas, it would. Like. It wouldn't be good. I would be. I'd be homeless.

[Joey Diaz]

Lee, I. If you came to me right now and said, joe, I want to tell you something, don't be mad at me. I went out with Anisha to one of her parties, and the last two nights, I've been doing coke. Matteo. Lee, don't do it no more. Right? You're gonna say, well, who the fuck are you? You did it for 40 years. You ended up in prison.

That's what I'm telling you. Okay? Right. You know, and it's like, that's what I'm telling you, okay? Not, cause I'm better than you. I'm a hypocrite. I'm telling you that there's no future. It's a good fucking time for six weeks, eight weeks, or six months. And then you're gonna start feeling the repercussion. And your life, your life's going to feel it. You put this poison in your fucking life, you know? Mm. Gambling, you know, you have a good time. I have a good time. But there was a time when I didn't know how to have a good time.

[Lee Syeda]

What do you mean by that?

[Joey Diaz]

So it taught me to hide for weeks. I'd have to move to Miami for a month or have to go to Sarasota. What that meant was that I thought they were giving. They were running a.

They were running a money store and gambling. Nobody's running a money store. It's a risk, and it's an adult risk when you're 18 and 19 and 20. It's not a young man risk. Because all you see are dollar signs, right? And the universe has a way of fucking getting you that I've never seen. You know, it's like the guy who snorts coke, never got laid, does a line of coke, and has a threesome with three of the hottest women that ever walked the planet here. Do you think that guy is not going to the bank and emptying out his money to buy every last strain of cocaine in the world? He doesn't know. That's not the way it is. That was a one night fluke. The same thing with gambling, right?

[Lee Syeda]

Oh yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

They always gave the person and you know what? 9 out of 10 you end up mortgage in something. Having to go to somebody to borrow 10 GS. And then you stop. There's people that don't stop until it's 300 grand. And I saw two of those people growing up and they were young and you know you got to pay that money.

[Lee Syeda]

You do. But there's some people like, that's the big. I like going of like nice casinos, but. But I also like going to like the shitty ones because like you like, I meet people who like convince me to stop game. Oh yeah, like they like, they're, they're hanging out outside of the atm.

[Joey Diaz]

They got no blood left because they sold it all. They got one eye and that one barely works because they sold the other eye. You know, that's when you get, you know. And I saw my mother gamble like you wouldn't fucking believe. And it didn't stop. It's baseball, then it's the track and then it's fucking numbers. It was a rotating fucking pull between the numbers, the track and fucking baseball. And there was no baseball. She doubled up on the track. Hey, call the track in Japan. See what time they're running. And they go by numbers or the color. Oh, color White. I'm gonna go with him today. I had a dream about fucking white. Yeah, the hospital where you're gonna end up in after you get beat up for not paying the Japanese mafia and shit.

[Lee Syeda]

Holy shit.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, so I'm just saying. Yeah, you see all those things. So I understand when I take 100 out between us, I could have taken 200 out, right? I'm not being a big shot. I'm kind of taking 200 out. But I know the. If I would have won. Listen, I had a good time losing 100 bucks, right?

[Lee Syeda]

Oh yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Because I know where it could lead.

[Lee Syeda]

My favorite is when they. There's dudes who hang out by the atmosphere because they hit their limit for the day. So at midnight they're like, whoop. They go right. They go right back in.

[Joey Diaz]

What's. I mean, you know, and I was there guys, so I understand that. Fucking wait until 11 and you try like you're such a Junkie you put in there, 11:58, just in case that two minutes off in that time zone or whatever. So that's what people understand all that shit right now.

A friend of mine sells alcohol, he's a distributor, and he called me the other day if I was going to do something on the 19th or whatever, and I said, how's business? And he goes, With 30% down alcohol, the whole state of New Jersey. 30% down.

[Lee Syeda]

That's surprising.

[Joey Diaz]

That's real surprising. Guess what's up? Gambling.

[Lee Syeda]

Got it. Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Kids aren't drinking that much no more.

[Lee Syeda]

They'd rather gamble.

[Joey Diaz]

And then another buddy of mine told me what you would tell him. He goes, you gotta remember one thing. When these kids go out and they pay 1,200 for a bottle, they only drink one.

It's not like they're drinking three of them or four of them or whatever. Unless you're a rapper and you bring in, you know. So everybody's like on this controlled drinking thing, all of a sudden. Everybody's cleaned up from drinking, but a lot of people fucking gambling. A lot of people smoking reefer. A lot. A lot of people smoking reefer. A lot of people doing edibles. I mean, you know, fucking Trump is blowing up drug boats. But I read yesterday they just got like a 20 billion dollar load in Miami for D Coke. Yeah.

[Lee Syeda]

Damn.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, so.

[Lee Syeda]

Well, if you think about it, weed and gambling are like things you can do at home. Like, it's like. I. That's. I think that's what that means is people just staying home.

[Joey Diaz]

Absolutely.

[Lee Syeda]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Look.

[Lee Syeda]

Look what just happened. Like, I'm not an actor. But you're an actor. Netflix just bought HBO or whatever it is. Mgm, whatever it's called.

[Joey Diaz]

That's interesting, man.

[Lee Syeda]

What does that mean to you?

[Joey Diaz]

It doesn't mean anything to me, but I want you to. HBO's been around forever.

[Lee Syeda]

Mm.

[Joey Diaz]

They built the catalog. They built all this. They built this brand. I don't know what the MGM deal is, but I know that for Netflix to buy them, I mean.

It'S not that they're hoping for something to change, is that they're about to change the game.

[Lee Syeda]

Yeah. Because then they. They own. First of all, when. When people throw like numbers like that around, like 80 billion, it's hard to even wrap your head around.

[Joey Diaz]

Well, it's not. They don't write a check for 80 billion. They give you like 30 billion, and then it's like 50 billion. Like Oshani money.

[Lee Syeda]

Probably a little deferred or in stocks.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, like that you know, it's not.

[Lee Syeda]

All in cash, but.

[Joey Diaz]

Right.

[Lee Syeda]

Jesus Christ.

[Joey Diaz]

And then think about the mag. All right, I see what you're saying.

[Lee Syeda]

80.

[Joey Diaz]

How much?

[Lee Syeda]

Billion. 82. Something like that.

[Joey Diaz]

Billion. Billion.

The magnitude of that number and how much that enterprise is worth. Like how much is it worth? $80 billion. Now if you invested $80 billion, what are you looking to profit out of that?

[Lee Syeda]

You'd have to think you get up to a. A couple hundred billion or something at some point. Like because they have all the Sopranos. Harry Potter, by the way, Sex in the City.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. Scooby Doo, fucking the Wire. I mean, you know, they got everything. And never mind what they had before that fucking Arlis and all that shit and fucking the Hitchhiker, but never mind all those dumb shows just of what their studios could do, what they're planning to do with studios, other plan, just to shut fucking theaters down probably. Because I'll tell you what I like to do. Tell me.

You open up a Netflix theater.

[Lee Syeda]

I'm sure they'll do that soon.

[Joey Diaz]

And you could see whatever the you want in a theater.

[Lee Syeda]

Yeah. Do they have. There's a place in the city that kind of does that. You rent like a mini theater with like six of your friends. They, they, you have like a full dinner in there. That stuff that like, they, they're starting to do that. But like the last, last night when I was going to go see that movie, I was like, wait a second, I can just watch this anytime I want. I don't have to, because I, dude, I love double features. But now I, if you go piss, you feel like you're missing part of the movie. It's better at home. Now we've talked about this for 15 years, that we love movie theaters. I gotta be honest, who for what anymore?

[Joey Diaz]

I'm sick and tired of watching movies at home because I gotta watch them three times. I'm not gonna lie to anybody here. I gotta watch him three times. There's just too much to get caught up in, right? I have the ability to go fart. I have the ability to go smoke a joint. And you don't want to stop anything.

You know, you have all these abilities. Like I hate. I love going to movie theater in the daytime. Oh yeah, that. 11 o' clock after a nice Chinese lunch. 12:15, a fucking nice joint. That's the best time. But then I got to a point in my life I couldn't go in there. I'm gonna tell you why. Why I started getting calls for business. Those motherfuckers and that sucks, because I had a pager. So I would go in my pocket and it's George, I call him back. It's Nick, I call him back. It's Lee, I call him back. But every time you're in a movie theater, one of your agents is going to call you and you're going to go, you know what? I could call him later, but eventually, now you can't focus because your mind is rattling. What he wants you for. So you just lost a half hour, right? Because you're not 100% entwined. Like, I'm the type of guy.

I don't want to take nobody's phone when I'm doing comedy, right? But even in Philly last week, I'm sitting there and there's a guy right in front of me with the phone, right at me, you know?

Does it bother me? No. But my concern is people looking at their phone. And it's just a switch minute. George, if you look at the phone, you're gonna miss a tenth of my joke. And that's if nobody fucking texts you. If somebody texts you, you're actually going to return. And then you got to return to the m. And now you pretty much lost me.

[Lee Syeda]

Yeah, it sucks.

[Joey Diaz]

You pretty much fucking lost me. How do I know? Because I do it at home.

I could watch like fucking tonight. I watch. Well, last night I watched the Mayor of Kingtown and I watched Mudland, whatever the fuck, Oil Man. Oil man, whatever the fuck his name is.

You know, And I'll watch Oil man, whatever the fuck it is. And guys, I have to watch the episode before I watch that. So we'll watch Landman, the one from last week, at 7, and then at 8, watch Landman and then eat something. And then watch the Mayor Kingstown from last week and then have to watch the new one because, dog, I forget. It's impossible. Yeah, it's impossible. Again, some people say when they stream, they just watch every episode.

[Lee Syeda]

Oh, yeah, that's what I do.

[Joey Diaz]

And that's the way to do it. Six of the shot. 12 episodes. Six of the shot. Unless you got nothing to do tomorrow, run it, bitch. Make some coffee. You know what I'm saying? Make some coffee. We ain't going nowhere. But. And that's what I lose. I always had bad comprehension when I read, so I always had to read a chapter twice and make little notes and shit. With movies, I was always dynamite. Dynamite. But the last. Ever since the cell phone came around. And that's what happens. You go see Batman, the movie's not that good. But with a cell phone, it's even worse. Yeah, you go see Mission Impossible, it's a bad movie, but with a cell phone it's even worse.

[Lee Syeda]

And, dude, that. That was just bad all over. That one was. That one was shitty. But do you think. I don't know, like, when you're talking about technology.

When do you think we had it, right? Like, was there a time period where you're like, okay, if we had ended here, it would have been enough. Like, were you good at, like, desktop computers? Would you rather go back to, like, no computers at all? Like, 80s?

[Joey Diaz]

I want a time where people lived in the now.

You not living in the now with these fucking phones. You're not. You know, you go to a concert, everybody's got their phone out taping the fucking concert. Why? Why? What, are you gonna go. Go home and play it back? Why? What, are you gonna go show it to George? Look at George. How long is George going to go? Great, I got to get back to work now. You know what I'm saying? I got to load this truck. I got to feed my family. Why is your phone on?

[Lee Syeda]

And I'm guilty of it. I've never looked at him again.

[Joey Diaz]

What is this shit? What is this shit?

[Lee Syeda]

Well, that's just a flashlight.

[Joey Diaz]

What is this shit? And then two hours later, my phone is dead. Why is your flashlight on? Why you being a fucking billy goat? Is it romantic?

What the fuck is wrong with you? You can't do anything in life. Look at it. If I say it's my birthday and somebody comes out with a cake, all six of you idiots who have your phone out, put your fucking phone away, will you? I want a video of me blowing out a cake. What the fuck is wrong with you retards? The cake's got a million candles. You know what I'm saying? Like, just. We use the phone for everything now. Put the fucking phone away. Live in the fucking moment. And then they'll say to me, joey, you're a fucking liar. You have all these stories. I have stories because I didn't grow up looking at a fucking phone all day. I didn't look at a fucking laptop all fucking day. We didn't have that option, you know? And even now, I try to keep it as real as I can. What is that? Not waking up and not attacking the computer like I used to. That's not good for you. Waking up breathing, looking at the sunlight, get the sun in your eyes. I don't care how fucking cold it is. Just go look at it before you fucking open up that computer. You know, we used to fucking. We had a deal years ago. We don't watch the news in the morning. Why not?

[Lee Syeda]

Because it's all bad news.

[Joey Diaz]

A child got burnt overnight. You know, three people got displaced in Plainfield, you know, and now you gotta go to work feeling bad, like I gotta go fucking donate a jacket down in Plainfield or something like that. You know, anything. Open up the computer. It's not always good fucking news anymore. No, most of it is not fucking horrible horrible. And I'm a YouTube guy. And it is the first scroll of. You don't even look anymore. Everybody's getting beat up. Like every they got, they got. Everybody's a fucking genius now. This guy's an idiot. These guys are going down there and you just look at it and go, nobody's got their own life anymore. My day is spent sitting there watching jre to make a video criticizing jre. That's the new norm. If that's your career, man.

So be it. But there's a whole fucking world out there.

There's a whole fucking world out there that even my daughter is missing.

Missing it. Missing it. Missing it. You go down in New York City, walk down your street. Who doesn't have an earbud in talking on the phone? Who doesn't have. Who's not listening to the sounds of that fucking city? Remember I had that joke, Those faggots in New York City, when an ambulance goes by and they hold their ears?

[Lee Syeda]

Yeah, I love that joke.

[Joey Diaz]

You're a fucking faggot. You're a fucking faggot. That's the city I don't want to be deaf in 30 years. Gives a fuck. Who gives a fuck? But doing this ain't going to save your fucking ears. You know, it's just a thousand dumb things that we've actually believed. But this new youth is walking down the street like this, bro, you see him? Everything is fucking here. A tv. What if a witness coming at you. The fuck is wrong with you? So that's my beef now. If I say I wanted to burn the date, then you, Joey, you're just being an old stupid fuck, right? I didn't do that. I tell you how I like from people and what I expect from people and what I think people would get more of a life.

[Lee Syeda]

Well, let me ask you because I'm gonna be honest. Like, if when I get depressed is when I'm looking at my phone the most.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. That's when I catch myself too, you know, I love DraftKings. They're my. I love them. I love playing fucking blackjack. Not blackjack. Wheel of Fortune. That's my. Sometimes I'll take it down to 50 cents and I find myself on there for 40 minutes.

And I'm like, joey, enough. And then I'll go, now your punishment is no DraftKings. Tomorrow.

[Lee Syeda]

You put yourself on punishment.

[Joey Diaz]

Put myself on punishment.

[Lee Syeda]

40 minutes and you stand to it. You stand like you live up the next day. But even, like. Because I do get depressed sometimes when I look at it for too long. But, like, if things are going shitty in my life, I'm like. And I'll just. Like, I'll just find myself.

[Joey Diaz]

Get the fuck out of the house.

[Lee Syeda]

Oh, even. Yeah, I guess. But even your. Your problems come with you. Outside of the house, your what? Your problems go. Come with you.

[Joey Diaz]

Not when you look at the sun. You put your earbuds in and you go for a little fucking walk. And you walk up the hill, look around, you see, like a dead spider, you step on it. Those problems seem to go away when you take a breath of fresh air. And I'm not telling you this as somebody who did this when they were 20. Right? Okay. I'm just telling you what feels better now that I discovered, once I moved to Jersey, that I love going outside to see what the sun looks like. Stay out of that zone. Stay out of that electrical fucking. You know, I don't like the phone next to me at night. I don't want it in my world. I don't want it in my wavelength. I don't want. You know. So when I come up, I have to set my whoop. But my whoop works from downstairs when I'm sleeping.

[Lee Syeda]

Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

So it can monitor my sleep. So I said, fuck it, I don't bring the phone upstairs. We have to go back to normality at one point or another. And it's not gonna go back unless we bring it back for ourselves.

[Lee Syeda]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

I told my wife, take the phone from her at night last week. She said it was hard to wake her up in the morning. Yanked the phone. The next three days, she woke up tip top Magoo before the alarm went off because she does the same thing. But she's a kid. She gets a pass, right? It's adults that, you know, you can't. We can't keep doing this. And then the parents that get mad at the kids, but they got their phones out of dinner.

[Lee Syeda]

Oh, yeah, that drives me nuts.

[Joey Diaz]

So you gotta set an example for these fucking kids. But if your phone is out of dinner. What do you think these fucking morons are gonna do? I feel bad for them. It's not their fucking. They're looking at their parents and they're on the phone. So fuck it. Why can't we be on the phone playing whatever fucking game they do? So I'm not mad at them, but at one point, you have to catch yourself and go, what the fuck am I doing? My phone is Johnson. Or, you know, a guy's getting a birthday cake. Let me take my phone out so I could tape it. Or any other stupidity, any other fucking thing that. A fist fight. You know that I don't mind a good fist fight and shit, but if you're gonna give it to the cops, go fuck yourself. You know what I'm saying? If you're gonna be a crime stopper, then you're a stack of. I want you to do it because it's fun, you know, it's educational.

[Lee Syeda]

Did to record a fist fight?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. Like, I always watch them on YouTube. Really? Yeah. If somebody gets into a fist fight, you watch it.

[Lee Syeda]

Do you remember? God. This was before cell phones. And I feel. I'm sorry for saying it was, but the guy called it bum fights. He was just fine. He was finding homeless guys and giving them like 20 bucks each to film them. Like, like UFC, going at it, dog.

[Joey Diaz]

You give a homeless dude 20 bucks, he'll kill the other guy.

[Lee Syeda]

It was. They brought him on Dr. Phil.

[Joey Diaz]

That's not a bad idea.

[Lee Syeda]

It made a lot of money.

[Joey Diaz]

He was selling VHS tapes, little ring and shit, and just go. Guys, go at it. It's like the tape you sent me.

[Lee Syeda]

Of the crack and other crack at Olympics.

[Joey Diaz]

I watched that, like, three times. That's brilliant.

[Lee Syeda]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Anybody can lift weights and run for four years. Let me see a crackhead throw another crack.

[Lee Syeda]

Oh, and what I think it was the one guy wasn't a crackhead, the guy doing the throng. But I think the guy being thrown was, like, offered, like, 20 bucks.

[Joey Diaz]

Probably another guy, 10 bucks. Debo. Yeah, they got, like, Debo and his brother to throw to see what crackhead went the farthest, right? You give a crackhead 10 bucks, he'll let you throw them off a bridge.

I'll live. Yeah, you're gonna live. Don't worry about nothing. If you land in the Hudson, I'll have the people there in two minutes for you work, and they'll pick you right up.

[Lee Syeda]

Do you think crackheads play on their phone or do they just we.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't know. They smoke Their phone. The fuck they. They have a phone that doubles as a crack bass. Pop the button, a little crack thing comes out, and you fuck. I don't fucking know. But it's an interesting world out there, man. It's going to get more interesting. But with me, I just. I don't know. It's like the phone took over. And when I lived in LA, I would get up at 5 and I'd be right on the fucking computer.

[Lee Syeda]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

As I drank coffee. And when I lost my mind, I'm like, that's why I lost my fucking mind. You can't get on there and start reading comments. No. Because that sets you off for the day. Forget it. I don't read that shit. I won't read the fucking nothing. I don't read nothing.

[Lee Syeda]

And not even Diddy's messages. Fuck that.

[Joey Diaz]

Well, when I saw it, I opened it up and I was like. I didn't know how I felt like getting the mess, but I knew. Listen, I knew. I knew what it was. I knew what it was. It was a comedy thing he was looking to do and he tried to interview a bunch of comics. I think Joe Coy met with him. Fluffy met with him. Couple guys didn't meet with him in L. A. When they called me, I said no. So maybe he looked me up and that's the only reason why. It's not because I went to his party. No, it's not because I'm a Baby all distributor, you know, it's none of those fucking things.

[Lee Syeda]

Holy shit. I haven't seen it yet, but I heard that new documentary is pretty good.

[Joey Diaz]

It's very interesting. But again.

You know, listen, when you're disgruntled, you'll say anything.

[Lee Syeda]

Oh, dude.

[Joey Diaz]

You know what I'm saying? When you're disgruntled. So when you watch those things, you have to watch it with an open mind. Anything on Netflix? Not like it's legit, because it's on Netflix. Okay. I don't have. Nothing bad about Netflix, but we're living in a world today that you don't know. Somebody gets pissed off, they can't take you to court. Now they want to talk shit about you.

[Lee Syeda]

Dude, George was telling me, like, the. Like a lot of the footage from that is. Diddy hired a videographer and then just didn't pay him. So 50 Cent was like, I'll buy that footage. Which is. Diddy must be pissed he didn't pay him. Can you imagine sniffing some guy and then he just sells the footage?

I could make a Lot of money.

[Joey Diaz]

Then we gotta end the podcast. Okay. A little story just to let you know about something. Not gonna say when and where. I go to a place that I love. I've been going there for four or five years. I love the place.

But I've been involved with this shit for a long time. Not through Eddie. Bravo. Let's talk about Jiu Jitsu. There's a place I attend for, like four or five years. And.

You know, I'm not a good Jiu Jitsu guy. I just go to the role and get beat up and learn and just talk to other people. Because when you're over 60, you need something social. I use it more now as that, but I still get beat up and stuff. But I have a cousin and he's a black belt in Jiu Jitsu, and I've known him forever. And every three years, it was always the student who was filthy rich was gonna buy a new school and do all this shit.

I don't know, I just got a nose for that shit.

And guys started coming. There's two particular guys that started coming to my school. They're big shots. They can't come to class. They do privates.

And it's always something. And then the guy gave a teacher something, you know, a car or something. And I'm a big shot, okay? So for a year or two, they kept hitting me up at night, hey, this guy wants to meet with you. He wants to do something with you. I'm okay. He. He came up with an offer one time just to sit with me, that you guys would say, joey, at least sit with the guy. But.

You know, you just know when you know, you know. And I go in there one day and they're like, why? You just missed him. He pulled up in a Bentley with a fucking limo driver. With a driver. And the guy makes cocktails for him.

That's a sweetheart of a kid in my school. Just a sweetheart. Fucking big as an ox, strong as an ox, throws me around. But I love him because he's honest. We always talk his kids.

He's telling me one day about six months ago, he's like, yeah, my wife's pregnant again. I'm gonna go fucking go work for this guy.

In my heart, I fucking knew it. But it's none of my business. If I love you, I gotta say something. But if I don't love you, I wish you the best. But I already know you're getting into a bad predicament today. I go up there and he comes into class, you know, And I hug him. I saw him last week, too, but today I just happened to ask him, how's work? And he goes, I got laid off. He just started telling me that he didn't get a paycheck for six weeks. Oh, no, his insurance never got shut on. And I'm like.

And I go, now, you know, I never went. I didn't hear this fucking little rich things. Because I knew it's just too easy for people now to act.

[Lee Syeda]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, and the other guy that I was complaining about was there when I was there last week. And I was ready to fucking stab him. Like he was on the other side, and I was ready to fucking stab him. I just. And you know, if you talk to me, you might think, well, maybe Joey's. No, I'm not jealous. I just know what they bring there. They're big shots. So everybody starts buying it. And you know who I'm talking about? A friend from North Bergen. Right. You know what I'm talking about or no, I'll tell you later. He's 20 years. I got this student, he's going to build the 80 mile facility. They got money out the ass.

And, you know, I was really proud of that fact when he told me that, because I saw it, but nobody else saw it in that thing. I just saw it.

[Lee Syeda]

Because it, you know, especially when you.

[Joey Diaz]

When you're looking for a job, that you got to come to a jiu jitsu class with a Bentley and a limo driver. We got a problem. Okay? We got a problem, man. That's not being over. There's a kid a couple years ago, went to a funeral of an Aries and. And pulled up his Lamborghini and started revving it in front of the funeral parlor. So the people come out while his friend lay there. But that, to people, is success.

Me making you feel bad is success.

If I had Joe Corn money or Fluffy money or Rogan money, I would come in here and go, guys, you don't know what I did this weekend. I was in Paris. What'd you guys do? What were you in Bayonne? You know, like that type of shit. They don't even have to say that. They just make you feel that way, you know, like I was, you know, looking at this thing on Instagram this week, that fucking DJ Khalid's 50th birthday party, and everybody's hugs and kisses and all, you know, and I. I wouldn't want to live in that world. The hugs. And the camera's on. Every time you hug somebody, the camera's on. I don't want to be in there. They look at each other like, you know, dog, I love you where you've been, you look good. They don't care about each other. It's, you know, and it's such a just fucking. I didn't get into this business for that, right? If I would have played that game, I would have got farther than that business. But that game, never fucking.

[Lee Syeda]

You think so? You think you could have gotten, like, drum out of it? Like, if you played that game and got tricked by a couple people, you could have gone broke. You would have, like, disillusioned.

[Joey Diaz]

No.

[Lee Syeda]

You think it would help?

[Joey Diaz]

Uncle Joey does the fucking. You know what I'm saying?

But you know what I'm saying? That whole world, I didn't think it was important to me. I'm from North Bergen, dog, and I can never change that. Have you seen where I grew up playing the car with my daughter? I go, don't even look that way. Don't even look at fucking Tunnelly Avenue. You know, we went by the Grammar Square. I go look at McKinley and look at Marlboro Memorial, where you go to school. They got air conditioners and shit. They got little Puerto Rican air conditioners in McKinley. Not even the full size. Like little. 38 students in the fucking class. Nobody's gonna get fucking warm in there. You know what I'm saying? 38 fucking students. A little air conditioner like that. But that's who I am. So for me to pull up here with a Maserati and rev in front of fucking Rudy's with diamond rings and shit. You wouldn't like me. I wouldn't like me. That means I don't like me. I gotta double up on you all the time. I don't want to double up on people. Family man. What would you do?

[Lee Syeda]

I feel like you'd, like, flex. Like, is there anything you do flex or what? How would you flex if you were gonna do something?

[Joey Diaz]

If I flex, yeah. My sneakers.

[Lee Syeda]

That's it.

[Joey Diaz]

And they're 69. 69 for the Greek freak at Kohl's. Because I got a size 13 foot and they can't. I got 13 and a half because it was the only one in Iraq. And at 20% off more.

Yeah, that's a flex.

[Lee Syeda]

But you also don't really post it that much.

[Joey Diaz]

It's not a flex, it's an urn. Yeah, a flex is if I would have got waitresses up there and three hoes and a bed, and I'm a photographer and you guys are out there sitting like, wow. Like a great time. No, we got a bed for everybody. If we can't get a bed for everybody, I don't get a bed. He asked me, well, you want to get a bed for your flight now? Because what am I gonna do? Hug Lee and George and Nikki and fucking. And the Chinese little girl like Yoko? They're gonna think we're fucking, you know. You know, so, no, that's not the life I ever intended to live. Right. Even if you gave me $80 million, I would live, like, fucking somewhere secluded. Yeah. You got a guy that fucking lived there with a shotgun. You know, because I was driving past. I was. I drove past something the other day with my wife, and I'm like, people living there at night. There's not a light for three miles each way I'm driving. I just broke out of a jail with three invicts. That's where I'm going. I'm going to kill that family. You know what I'm saying? Nobody's going to hear them. It's like I'm just stabbing them. They're yelling, they're running wild. I'm shooting them. They're not going to hear those people. You got to buy. You got to have security on there. Right? You're not going to. Just because it could happen. It won't happen for 20 years. Then two idiots escape from a jail in Philly or some mental institution. They're driving down that block and they see a little TV screen. We're going in there. That's where the fucking. You ever see Harrison Ford, the Fugitive?

[Lee Syeda]

Right.

[Joey Diaz]

That's where he would go to get his hair dyed and shit like that.

[Lee Syeda]

So only you think of things. I've never once looked at a house and be like, that's a good place to kill somebody.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm telling you, this is the perfect place to kill somebody. I got 19 hours before they find the body. I can take a shower. I can make a cake. Fucking do everything.

I am not nowhere this week. I have no dates till January 31. Staten Island, St George Theater. What do you got? Throwing up, cocksucker.

[Lee Syeda]

The 12th and 13th I'm featuring for Jessamy Peluso at the La Jolla Comedy Store. Very, very excited.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, shit. Next weekend, fresh off the boat. I guess we ain't having a podcast on Monday. This guy's never going to get back. He doesn't know there's fucking storms all over the fucking country.

[Lee Syeda]

Jesus, why would you.

[Joey Diaz]

Titan Aviation cocksuckers. When you get stuck the small 30. Titan Aviation.

[Lee Syeda]

The small 30.

[Joey Diaz]

Jesus.

[Lee Syeda]

I'll be in the back with the luggage.

[Joey Diaz]

They just got two feet in Colorado last night and it's snowing in Chicago. And you want to go to San Diego this week? Oh, what are you fucking nuts? They're gonna. And I know.

[Lee Syeda]

Don't say this. Why would you say anything?

[Joey Diaz]

What airline do you have?

[Lee Syeda]

Delta.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. You're in no danger. What do you mean?

[Lee Syeda]

Delta's always.

[Joey Diaz]

They're losing.

[Lee Syeda]

You say that no matter what I'm on. I might as well have said fucking whatever it's called.

[Joey Diaz]

Spirit.

[Lee Syeda]

Oh, he was that fucking screw.

[Joey Diaz]

No matter what. We love you motherfuckers. Have a great week and we'll be back next week. Tip top, Magoo. Like I said, I got nothing going on. But Lee's got a lot. Pay attention to him.

[Lee Syeda]

Listen, I'll need somewhere to sleep on Monday in San Diego. If you're fucking right, I don't care.

[Joey Diaz]

And if he gets stuck in San Diego.

Just kill me. I love you guys. Stay black. Have a great week. What's up, beautiful people? Uncle Joey here. Listen. Lots of people struggle with their weight and energy. Your gut health has a lot to do with that. Take better care of your gut with Bioma is a gut supplement that has prebiotics, probiotics and postbiotics all rolled into one. So you get everything acting like it should. Just take two capsules before breakfast and you're all set. I love Bioma. I have been taking this for about two months now. I'm feeling better, I've lost weight, I have more energy. And it's true what they say, everything starts in the gut. And I got a big gut. But Bioma helps calm your brain fog, anxiety and mood swings. When your gut is better, trust me, your life is better. It's like having a wife. Good, happy wife, happy life. You know what I'm saying? So feel like hell by Almost got your back. To get started, just click on the link in our show notes and press in code Joey, J, O, E, y. To get 15% off of your guts comeback. That's 15% off of your first order when you use code Joey. Just press the links. And don't forget about me, Bioma, Jack.