Dog, It's a party!

Summary

Summary of "Dog, It's a Party!" Episode of "The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament"

Release Date: April 22, 2025

In the episode titled "Dog, It's a Party!", hosts Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt deliver their signature blend of humor, candid life stories, and insightful discussions about the challenges and triumphs in their careers and personal lives. Filmed live from New York City, the episode offers listeners an engaging and unfiltered look into the world of comedy, entertainment, and everyday struggles.

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1. Opening Remarks and Recent Performances

Joey Diaz kicks off the episode with his high-energy introduction, expressing gratitude to the audience who attended his recent performance at the Paramount. He shares his initial nervousness before the gig and his satisfaction with how it turned out.

Joey Diaz [00:50]: "I was fucking really nervous in front of you guys... But you guys, it's—I was happy."

Lee Syatt joins in with playful banter, setting a relaxed and friendly tone for the podcast.

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2. Culinary Adventures and Cultural Insights

A significant portion of the conversation revolves around food, particularly focusing on pork dishes like carnitas and pulled pork. Joey humorously expresses his disdain for pulled pork, emphasizing his cultural preferences.

Joey Diaz [01:57]: "I hate pulled pork more than anything in the fucking world."

The hosts exchange stories about their culinary experiences in Los Angeles, highlighting the cultural nuances that influence their food choices.

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3. Struggles in the Entertainment Industry

Joey delves into the hardships faced by comedians trying to break into the industry. He recounts his experiences with comedy festivals, highlighting the gatekeeping and financial obstacles that aspiring comedians encounter.

Joey Diaz [06:39]: "They put you in jail. They do that. Liquid castration."

Lee Syatt shares his own challenges with auditions and the competitive nature of securing spots in prestigious events, offering a glimpse into the less glamorous side of the comedy world.

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4. Personal Anecdotes and Career Milestones

The hosts share personal stories from their careers, including Joey's unexpected roles in television shows and Lee's experiences performing at major venues. Joey emphasizes the unpredictability of the entertainment industry and the importance of seizing opportunities when they arise.

Joey Diaz [27:45]: "I booked Greg Garcia before I even got to the airport to come back."

Lee reflects on his growth as a comedian, expressing his aspirations to headline comedy clubs nationwide and maintain sold-out shows.

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5. Advice for Aspiring Comedians

Throughout the episode, Joey offers candid advice to Lee and fellow comedians, stressing the importance of authenticity and maintaining a bit of nervous energy on stage.

Joey Diaz [13:34]: "If you don't get nervous, quit."

He encourages Lee to master the role of being the first face the audience sees, setting the tone for the rest of the night's performances.

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6. Reflections on Fame and Personal Identity

The conversation shifts to broader reflections on fame and personal identity. Joey reminisces about his early days, living modestly while striving to make it in comedy, and contrasts it with the trappings of fame that he now seeks to avoid.

Joey Diaz [83:46]: "You just want me to have a limo in front of my house and some... to suck their dick."

Lee echoes similar sentiments, highlighting his preference for authenticity over superficial accolades, such as lavish homes or celebrity memorabilia.

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7. Upcoming Shows and Future Plans

As the episode nears its conclusion, Joey and Lee discuss their upcoming performances and aspirations. Lee outlines his schedule for the week, with shows in Westfield, Mass., and Greenwich Village Comedy Club, while Joey shares his plans to perform at Red Rocks and other venues, expressing enthusiasm for continued growth.

Joey Diaz [81:29]: "You did two great sets."

They emphasize the importance of hard work, perseverance, and supporting each other's endeavors in the competitive world of comedy.

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Notable Quotes

• Joey Diaz on Overcoming Nervousness:

  “If you don't get nervous, quit.” ([13:34])

• Lee Syatt on Aspiring to Headline:

  “I want to be able to headline and I want the shows to be sold out because people want to come see me.” ([36:26])

• Joey Diaz on Industry Challenges:

  “They put you in jail. They do that. Liquid castration.” ([06:39])

• Joey Diaz Reflecting on Authenticity vs. Fame:

  “You just want me to have a limo in front of my house and some... to suck their dick.” ([83:46])

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Conclusion

"Dog, It's a Party!" offers a raw and humorous exploration of Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt's journeys in the comedy and entertainment industries. Their unfiltered discussions cover everything from personal struggles and industry scams to aspirations and reflections on fame. Listeners who haven't tuned in before will find the episode both entertaining and insightful, providing valuable lessons on perseverance, authenticity, and the realities of pursuing a career in comedy.

Transcript

[Joey Diaz]

What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? It's Tuesday 22nd April, the day the devil was buried at sea. The church of. What's happening now? Two test New Testament coming at you. Let's get this fucking party started. Welcome back to church. We're back. What's up, you bad motherfuckers. Uncle Joey here. My main man, Lee Syat. We're solo. Just how you like it. No guests today. Nobody busting your balls, just us coming at you direct. You know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syatt]

Just you to bust my balls.

[Joey Diaz]

Nah, you're gonna be fine. Cocksucker. We had a great last week. Anybody who came out to the Paramount, I want to thank you with all my heart. You guys were great audiences. I was fucking really nervous in front of you guys. I didn't know what to expect. But you guys, it's. I was going to Texas. Who the fuck am I kidding? I'm happy. Lee Cyc came down me. He had two great sets. He got fucked up the first night at Terry Blacks. He had an eating Adderall at fucking Mitzi's.

[Lee Syatt]

Well, then I. Dude, I found out a lot. So I didn't get fucked up at Terry Black's, but I think you brought me to Terry Black's on purpose. Someone reached out and was like, hey, edibles hit you harder when you have fat like fatty food. So you brought me to the home of fatty food.

[Joey Diaz]

When you eat those carnita lizard skins, you just as high.

[Lee Syatt]

All right? You eat pork tacos when all the time you have carnitas, when all the time in LA you had carnitas.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't know what you're talking about. This last. Did you see me and carnitas off the food truck?

[Lee Syatt]

No, no.

[Joey Diaz]

I got our grub asado the fucking steak, okay? I don't know what you're talking about. I don't eat pork.

[Lee Syatt]

You used to get mad at me for eating steak tacos.

[Joey Diaz]

No, I don't eat pork on the road. I'm Cuban. I respect that shit. We're the kings of the pork. Why would I go out with the minglets and eat that shit that they make? That pulled pork shit? You could take that shit and shove it up your mother's ass. I hate pulled pork more than anything in the fucking world.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, me too.

[Joey Diaz]

And barbecue pork. Fuck you. You want to rock with me? Come down to Las Brisas and get the pork chunks and then come fucking talk to me or get the fucking perennial. That. That meat, that's clean Bobby with the Yukon aside. Yeah. I don't want to even eat that shit. I just want the fucking perennial. If it's not that, I don't want it. You know this.

[Lee Syatt]

No pork, okay?

[Joey Diaz]

No, no, I don't. Never eat carnitas. Out. That's a fucking. That's a. Listen, that's a percentage of ruining your asshole. You have to look at carnitas and lizard skins and go to yourself, what are the percentages of my asshole surviving? The guy's got one glove on the other hand. He just picked his nose, he scratched, he's changing dollar bills. He's got cocaine in his hand, dirty hands, and he's in your fajitas. Now don't get me wrong, sometimes that adds to the seasoning.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Right or wrong. I had a fat black dude in Dallas one time, sweating on the pork chop. Best pork chop I ever had in my life. £400, armpit off his forehead. When his head sweat would hit the pork chop, he'd go. You know what I'm saying? Yah. I ate like eight of those motherfuckers on white bread at $2 a piece.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, he was just selling it, like out of his car or something.

[Joey Diaz]

I stayed right there. I was hired and fucked after a show. It was a black show. And this chubby little black dude was out there. One of those Bahama Mama white beater shirts with stains on it. Looked like somebody shot him with a musket. He had different holes in it. And he's out there fucking making these fucking pork chops with the bones in them. George, it's 99 degrees. It's Dallas.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

It's 8:00 at night and this guy is drenched. He's just dropping titty sweat and armpit sweat. And the pork chop would go, yeah. And I would go, give me another one. Frank's Hot Sauce with a can of Coke. Eight of those motherfuckers. I even the last one, I ate a lot of white bread. He gave me the fucking. He gave me the elbow at the end. The fucking hard part that you give to the pigeons and the Puerto Ricans. You know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, my God. You had eight pork sandwiches.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, my God. I was £400. What'd you expect me to get? Fuck. But see, that's why I was £400, because I was eating pork on the road. But that was tremendous. That was not that I studied him. I watched him. Oh, yeah. I was watching him the night before. I was watching how he was marinating the pork chops. And I also watched how he was dipping him. The fucking thing with the seasoning. He was a savage. He was putting, like, the Cuban shit. Not the Cuban shit. The other mojo or the other one. Adobo. He was putting them in adobo. So I knew the. Knew what he was doing on a grill. And then he would smash them. And he had 400 pounds of bone and sweat. Or be that day. You know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syatt]

So when you were that heavy, like, you wouldn't mind eating in public? Like, when I was that fat, I would hate.

[Joey Diaz]

I had no Choice. I had $28 in my pocket. Like, I could stroll into fucking the Palm and Edgewater.

[Lee Syatt]

No, I mean, like, I would be the goat.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, I'm trying to eat clean meat, but I told you in 95, I was getting Subway sandwiches, veggie and cheese. And even still, I wouldn't eat the meat. In my lowest times, I would never eat that lizard meat. That's just to let you know, I'm not like you. You don't eat that fucking pigeon meat.

[Lee Syatt]

I don't think I've been to subway in 10 years because of.

[Joey Diaz]

It doesn't matter, because you got medals from Subway. They sent you a plaque of shit. You and that pedophile. That motherfucker that's still in jail.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, Jesus.

[Joey Diaz]

That motherfucker's still in jail.

[Lee Syatt]

Last time I heard about him, he's getting, like, super fat again.

[Joey Diaz]

He's getting super fake. Cause he's eating carbs. What do you think they give you fucking lean meat in prison?

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, I heard it was like, honey buns. Like, he's going, oh, yeah, he's going on.

[Joey Diaz]

And he's sucking dick. They're raping him in there. He's getting beat up. Remember an article came out like three years ago? He's getting beat up, like, the first month he had a black eye and shit. Yeah. Oh, yeah, they got it. And once they know you're a pedophile, they give it to you. They give. They. Somebody finds out they suck between every place you go, they're gonna fuck you.

[Lee Syatt]

That's. And trust me, I'm. I'm for that. But how do they make that rule? They're like, okay, pedophile, we're gonna kill you. You killed 30 people, but you're cool. Like, I just don't. Like. I don't get where the rules.

[Joey Diaz]

You kill 30 people, they put you on a death sentence, right? Or a life in prison. If you got the death sentence, you Exhaust it with appeals.

[Lee Syatt]

Right.

[Joey Diaz]

And someday you'll have to face the music. But by that time, it might be 18 fucking years from now. So you could buy yourself 18 years a pedophile. Unless somebody dies. They just put you in jail. They do that. Liquid castration.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, shit.

[Joey Diaz]

They give you those pills to knock your dick off. And so you don't get hard on. I don't know.

[Lee Syatt]

Right.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't know. So I just heard about this maybe two or three years ago that some prisons give you. Yeah. If you have a long sentence, they give you that medication. No, not saltpeter. It's something to fuck. Yeah.

[Lee Syatt]

It's chemical castration. Yeah. Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Chemical castration. So in time, you're done. You'll never bother nobody again. You know, by that time, you.

[Lee Syatt]

Dude, it's crazy. Did you see that? They're. They're executing people now with, like, the firing squads, like, guns. Where in America? A couple of. Like, in the. Over the last couple of months, there's been a couple of people who have chosen firing squad.

[Joey Diaz]

That's fun. I mean, you have to really. Let's say you. Let's say you shoot somebody, right? And you get the chair. You ever go see what happens to you in the chair? Yeah. And if the chair don't work, you still half alive, your eyeballs hanging, and they're like, shoot them. Shoot them. They're giving you all this shit for your heart. I'd rather listen. That's the best way to go. If somebody says, listen, you gotta go in the morning, pick your poison, cyanide, fucking whatever you like that. You walk out there, they raise the flag, da, da da da. There's a guy behind you, a little drum. Ta ta ta, ta, ta, ta, ta, ta, da da da da. They put you to the wall. They take the mask off you. You have the thing around your hand. Any last request? Would you like a cigarette? Yeah. And they give you a little cigarette, right? Whether you smoke or not, you take the cigarette. You know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You kill an extra three times, that's extra three minutes you're out there. You smoke that cigarette to the fucking filter. You got another one. No, no, no, no. Just one cigarette and shit. Then they put a blindfold on you. It's not like you're watching a guy shoot you. If they put your blindfold on, then you start praying. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for and your motive, that's it, you're dead. That's the way to go. But you want to be sitting in a Place. And they fucking pray. And then they put a mask on you and they shoot. Why are we talking about this? Who's going to the chair? Why are we going to the chair? I didn't even do nothing.

[Lee Syatt]

That's where I felt like I was going on Wednesday in fucking Austin, dude. I was. That was the highest I've been in a while.

[Joey Diaz]

And all you had was 200 milligrams and two coconuts.

[Lee Syatt]

So I had 300 milligrams, and he.

[Joey Diaz]

Was fucking falling asleep next to my friend. I was talking to my friend, and he was like. And finally, thank God, she's a savage. She goes, lee, take an Adderall. And I was scared after that, he was drinking fucking. What was he drinking?

[Lee Syatt]

Maker's Market, Diet Coke's Mark.

[Joey Diaz]

He had, like, two of them. He's like, I want to go home. Okay, let's go home.

[Lee Syatt]

I had a few. I had some fun in that.

[Joey Diaz]

Stop. You had one or two. And that was. Was the end of that fucking.

[Lee Syatt]

How many did you have? You actually did have some margaritas. I forgot about that. You never drink.

[Joey Diaz]

Never. And I was popping spicy margaritas with the good tequila, and you saw me walk out of there. Alcohol does not affect me.

[Lee Syatt]

It's not.

[Joey Diaz]

Saturday night. I had to meet somebody. I was sitting there for two hours, and I finally go, fuck it. Give me a margarita. And I drank it on the way home. I had to think about it for a minute. Am I fucked up? I'm like, not at all. In fact, I even tried cutting the lines just to fuck with people in case there was a helicopter out there or something. You know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syatt]

That was a lot of fun. That was a dude. Because I've been like that. Austin was the first place I. I ever did anything on the road. You let me do, like, three minutes on a late show at the old Cab City. And I was so nervous that after I got off stage, my leg shook. I had to lean against the wall. My leg shook for, like, 10 minutes. Like, I just couldn't deal with the adrenaline that I had. And then I've been back a couple of times, but that was. It was the biggest room I've ever done, and I think it was the first festival I ever did, which is fucking awesome. Thank you, dude. That was a crazy. That was a crazy experience.

[Joey Diaz]

I remember when I was doing comedy eight, nine years, and everybody would have festivals, and nobody would ever invite me to these things. After a while, you're like, what the fuck? Then I finally get invited. I Get invited to the Toyota Comedy Festival in New York City, like 1999, and your whole family comes out, and I don't know who else. And I get there, and the kid kept telling me, you're gonna go up in five minutes. You're gonna go up in five minutes. I got a hot audience here from 10:00 to 12. He told me, you're gonna go up next. Then he put a salsa band up, and then I went up and ate a bag of dicks. And when I got off stage, he gave me 25 bucks. And I went home embarrassed. Embarrassed with people came to see me. I felt like such a fucking asshole. And I saw that motherfucker years later, and he's like, hey, man, that night I go, don't even fucking say nothing to me. That was a setup, you motherfucker. And guess what happened to him? He died of cancer. Fuck him. Fuck him.

[Lee Syatt]

I love how you keep track of him.

[Joey Diaz]

Slow death. He was on one of those gofundme, like, skeleton and shit. Fuck him. I ain't sending that motherfucker dime.

[Lee Syatt]

I was gonna say, did you send him, like, 20 cents?

[Joey Diaz]

Nothing? That's what you get for putting me on after the salsa ban. He was fucking a horrible comic, and he didn't want to get shown. He was like the host. You remember that night? I think you were there, George. I was fucking furious that night. But that was it. Every other festival gave me shit. I wasn't good enough. Thought that. Meanwhile, I'm at the store killing motherfuckers, and they're like, nah, you can't come do our. And then I started looking at the schedule, and I'm like, these are okie doke motherfuckers anyway. Yeah, what am I gonna do with these fucking peasants? And then they would give you, like, $50 a set. Like, remember they had one in Ojai and all those every year? Oh, yeah, they offered me. They're like, yeah, we'll give you $55. Listen, save the $55. I'd rather do the spot at the store.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, or they'll like. They'll be like, oh, we'll give you a hotel room, but you have to share with two other comics.

[Joey Diaz]

And now, at least don't hit me up and give me an option to, like, headline a festival. That's cool. I'll be one of the three guys or whatever. And I don't mind doing that, but I'm bringing people that would have to fight to get to a festival. And now you're in there yeah. Now it's your credit whether they like it or fucking not. You actually performed at the Paramount fucking Theater whether they like it or not, that's it. Whether they put your name on a flyer, who gives a fuck? You did it, right?

[Lee Syatt]

I didn't even think about it.

[Joey Diaz]

All that matters. Sold out. And that's all that matters. And that's why when you do those festivals, I like to take people that you know are gonna fight for their life to get into a festival. If you're not with three managers or three certain agents, they're not gonna look at you for those festivals.

[Lee Syatt]

So is that how you get it? Like, at your level? I know that. Like your agent. Who knows?

[Joey Diaz]

But no, I never got a call for a festival before until I started saying, put me in some fucking festivals.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, shit, okay.

[Joey Diaz]

Because they're like one night, two nights, and I'm out of there. I'm not going to the festival premiere. I'm not going to any of the fucking parties. I'm not going to. I don't. I don't want to sing. I don't want to play the bongos. I don't want to do anything. I just want to focus on my fucking show, do the best I can at my show, and get the fuck out of there.

[Lee Syatt]

And I'm surprised to hear you say that you were nervous. You didn't seem nervous.

[Joey Diaz]

Always fucking nervous.

[Lee Syatt]

Well, you're always nervous, but, like, it's how you didn't. Like you said you were nervous to go out there. Didn't say, like, oh, I'm not gonna.

[Joey Diaz]

Sit there with my knees banging. You know, I'm not that type of nervous. Listen, I've told you a thousand times, if you don't get nervous, quit.

[Lee Syatt]

Right?

[Joey Diaz]

Quit. If you don't give a fuck how they're gonna feel or what reaction they're gonna give, you quit. You always have to be a little nervous. And then when you touch the microphone, the thing comes out of your stomach, a little fart comes out of your ass. You hold the microphone. That's where every. That's when you know you're on whatever's in that midsection, whatever butterfly, whatever heart palpitation you're having once you touch that. What was the movie? Carrie? When the guy touches the microphone, he chokes to death on the stage. I just saw it the other day. It was on last week at about 2 in the afternoon. I went home and watched it with my wife. Tremendous. The last half hour.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, shit. Where the blood comes down.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. With the go to. And then she goes home and the fucking mother tries to stab her. Fucking tremendous movie.

[Lee Syatt]

Fuck, I haven't seen that a long time.

[Joey Diaz]

It was time. Anyway. Yeah, that's what I don't like about all that shit. The festivals, the people you see are people that have big people that are agents. And when the festival people call them, they go, oh, you're looking at Joey Diaz. Yeah, yeah, yeah, hold on. You gotta look at Lee first. You gotta look at this guy. You gotta look at this guy. He's making waves. He's getting spots at the store. His podcast was number 88 on Global, you know, and they get them in because you're calling for me. So that's what you get as an agent is leverage. When you have a name, you have leverage. You have, you know, Shane Gillis, you have Chris Rock, you have Joe Rogan. That's leverage. Then you have the bottom guys, the guys that were me 30 years ago on the bottom that were looking up, waiting for fucking something to drop. Does anything have a fucking drop from up there? You know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syatt]

It's crazy because it's. I applied to a bunch of festivals. I got into Boston.

[Joey Diaz]

$35. Oh, yeah, yeah, go fuck yourself. Go for. Who the fuck are you to judge me? And I got to give you 35. At one point, as a comedian or as. Even as a human being, you got to sit there and go, let me look at. Let me think of this dynamic one more time here. Okay, I'm a desperate comment. I'm trying to get on the board, but how desperate am I by sending a $35 gift certificate, whatever the fuck, you gotta send a certified check for 35. And trust me, people have been doing this for years. And I remember when I was that comic and went to a. Had to go to a black club, Club Mix. That club ended because they shot four people on comedy show.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

I had to go down there and make a tape on a Wednesday night to send it, which I knew if I was fucking got a standing ovation on that tape, they weren't gonna put me in the festival. And this is 1995. 94. And I had to pay $35. Then never heard from them again. Then they made me. They wrote me, if you wanna be whatever, a volunteer and work the show. I was so fucking embarrassed, I felt like fucking crying. So now you're taking my 35 bucks and you wanna give me a volunteering job so I get experience so I can learn what a stage looks like. Really ain't that a bitch? You know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syatt]

Why do you think some comics forget about this stuff?

[Joey Diaz]

Because they're not looking at the big picture. They're not going, wait a second. I'm sending $35 to somebody who I don't fucking know. This guy don't run a network. No, this guy don't run a network. This guy doesn't know what talent is. Who are we sending this to? I want you to figure out who you're sending it to. Some guy. Joey Diaz has been in various films and performed all over the world. Show me the money. Show me his resume. Show me that IMDb what movies has he been in? Oh, he was an extra on Cha Cha man. And he. That's not over. And that's what we buy into. I see it now. I subscribe to comedy pages to see all the scams. I don't have the balls yet. There's like four guys on there pitching their zoom comedy classes. We've done thousands of cruise ships and thousands or whatever. And young comics want to meet those guys. I took one class at the University of Colorado for 35 bucks, and I took one at the New York comedy club for 50. And listen, the guy was mediocre. But I learned one thing. That standup is you or something. What your beliefs are, is against the world beliefs. And that's it.

[Lee Syatt]

You've told me that for a while.

[Joey Diaz]

For a long time. So, you know, they have all these scams to try. Listen, when you get to Hollywood, Hollywood's about to go under. But here's the funny thing. When you get to Hollywood, you sign with an agent. You finally get an agent, and then they're like, all right, let me look at your headshot. Oh, we don't like that headshot. We never liked that headshot. We want to get you in front of big names. Here, take a list. Call one of these people, tell them you want headshots that Sandy sent you. They'll take good care of you. Oh, my God, Boris. Oh, my God. The headshots. He does now you call Boris. Boris wants to charge you 800 bucks because they already told him what characters you're gonna. So you have to take a picture of you as a fireman, you as a pizza man. Those are all 300 apiece. Then these motherfuckers make you go get copies.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Which. All those businesses are out of business in la. Cause the headshot is obsolete. There's no. Nobody has a solid headshot.

[Lee Syatt]

I think I was the last person to Buy headshots?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. And you still have to throw them away.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, I threw them away when I left la. I threw away boxes of them.

[Joey Diaz]

I got still some headshots left, but you know, they're fucking useless. They're from 30 years ago. So then they get you there, then you get a commercial agent and they're like, we love your look. There's the paperwork to what you gotta do with your headshots. Now you gotta go to La Brea, stand online and pay another $80 to get into a fucking web thing so the agents could look at your headshot. Then they bang you with another website. Then they bang you with another website. Listen, it's a bang fest. And you're 21, you just graduated from college, you were gonna go work for your father, but you called your grandfather and told him that you really wanted to be an actor. You and your friends used to jerk off and watch Saturday Night Live and thought it was the best thing you ever watched. So now you're gonna, your grandfather's gonna go, okay, I'll give you my inheritance up early. And he gives you like 100 grand. And you go to Hollywood, bro, and you get all, you fall for all the scams. They see you coming. Breathing exercises for acting, how to move and balance. And acting. It is un fucking real.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, dude. When I, like a year before we left L. A, I was. I did a commercial acting class and I did it and then this commercial agent reached out to me. I went down to his office and I swear to God.

[Joey Diaz]

Named Maluka some.

[Lee Syatt]

I can't. I thank God, I can't remember Zulric.

[Joey Diaz]

Maybe Zulik or something like that.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, dude, I was in the waiting room and there was a little person in his office, a girl. He calls me and he goes. And this was when I was over 300 pounds. And I. He went. He looked straight at me. He's like, yeah, I think we're gonna do good things. The only other fat guy I have is a ginger and it scares people. So he was just. All he did was look on that website for like weird looking. He had the little person. He had the fat guy. Yeah, that was all he had, was just weird people and that. Like it was. And I, I still get. I got more auditions when I left la. He still sends me emails somehow.

[Joey Diaz]

Remember he sent you in for a show as the fat guy to wiggle and you wouldn't do it. I don't want to do it for 300 hours.

[Lee Syatt]

I didn't do he.

[Joey Diaz]

And I'm like, dog, he's gonna set your career on fire. And he's like, I don't want to do it for 300 hours.

[Lee Syatt]

I moved. I was in Massachusetts. I got an email to ODD to fly to LA to audition to be the fat guy, like, dancing on Tosh zero. Like tomorrow. They're like, you got to be here tomorrow. And I'm like, no, I don't want to. I don't want to be the fat guy dancing. And I'm not going to fly there to probably not get it either. Oh, my God. I had never experienced that. Like, I went to, I. I went to like three auditions and it was like, however, everyone, whenever you hear about auditions on, like, podcast, like, oh, you go, and there's 80 of you in a room. I went and there were 20 of me. And it was scary. And they were like. Because you were supposed to be like, outside in your pajamas getting the newspaper and so all the other guys weren't. It was not. I think that was rock bottom for me just going. Just realizing what I look like.

[Joey Diaz]

That's non union too.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, it was all non union.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. That's a fucking nightmare. That's why they keep you there all day for like 500 cash.

[Lee Syatt]

Dude, I was thinking about, I was talking with someone recently about when I met you. I was there editing reality tv and. Right. Like, literally, I think a week before I left my job and we just did this full time. I went to a meeting to join the editors union. And like, it was crazy, dude. In another life, like, I'm. I'm £600 in LA, either dead or editing. Like, it's just. It was crazy, like, where my life almost went. And yeah, I was. Dude, they scam you there? I. When I was editing, I got a call one day to edit the poker TV shows. Not the big one, like the small one. They wanted to give me like 800 a week and then they can use you. This was the best. They said, listen, you know how every other job you work five days a week. Here you have to agree to work Saturdays, but we almost never ask you to do it, which means they ask you to do it every week. Yeah, six days a week for eight. And I still have to, I have to pay the dues. Like, you have to pay the dues. That would have been crazy.

[Joey Diaz]

Dude.

[Lee Syatt]

It was a wild. It's wild how that happened.

[Joey Diaz]

It's crazy how you go to school for something.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And then you get there and you're like, the same what I signed up for. I was looking for the bitches.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Looking for chicks and bikinis and. And porno.

[Lee Syatt]

And in my mind, I thought I was going to be editing, like, Scorsese's movie. Like, that was my dream to, like, you know, edit, like a fucking cool movie. And I got to do some really cool TV shows. But it was the peak of what I was gonna do was reality tv. And now I'm talking to people and, like, they're not even getting that. They're getting like you're editing someone's YouTube channel. Like, that's what I would have gone to school and paid all those college zones back for to be some YouTube. And there's a. You can make a good living doing it and there's nothing wrong with it. But that's not what my dream was.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, it's crazy what they sell you out there. And now it's just going down. That's it. It's over. Production companies are moving out of there. People are working for tax breaks in other states. You know, they have to get a state to agree to, like, a five year tax break. And that state's gonna fucking blow the fuck up.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And every state does it for about two years. Then they go, we can't do this no more. And that's the end. That's it. Houses dry up, jobs dry up. You know, we need a state that'll do it. Just like California. You know, what happened to California was it got so expensive to shoot in California. Say this to me again. It's like you telling me it's too expensive in Detroit to build a car there. You know what I'm saying? That's what happened in California. That's why. And production. Listen, when I got there, bro, there was always auditions. There was this, there was that. It was kind of a joy. I had more options. On Fridays, I would be. I would have to snort coke. I would have to snort coke from all the movies I auditioned for and the commercials and where I was hanging. You know, I couldn't wait till Monday now to find out, you know, maybe Sunday night. It's Friday. I don't have any fucking money. I gotta pay the rent. You know, it was stressful, that game of fucking sitting there all week and waiting, you know, so. And then it just ended after 2007. Whatever happened in 2007, that was the end.

[Lee Syatt]

That was the end when, like, the economy crashed.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, I fucking did great. 2000 till 2005. My career went down after the longest year I came out with. Usually most people go up mine Went stuttered. It just fucking stayed there. Flat from 2000. I shot 20 fucking things for TV and movies and Taxi and this. Then I just. I was shooting these short films and these fucking low budget things. And then I started picking up steam. I got sober and I'm like, oh, shit. Oh, shit. And all of a sudden one day I'm in fucking Sacramento and I'm opening up for Gabriel. But Gabriel's coming on Friday. But they wanted us there all week. So it was me and another comedian. We're gonna work Wednesday and Thursday and then open for Gabriel. This is like the craziest week ever. And fucking Wednesday morning radio. I got into an argument with the other comic. We almost went to blows. Right on radio.

[Lee Syatt]

On morning radio.

[Joey Diaz]

We were gonna go outside and it up and the manager had to go in there, the radio staff. So we did the show Wednesday night. I didn't like what was going on. And fucking Thursday I go to Red Lobster to eat lunch because it was right next to that hotel. I got a fucking call and it's an agent of mine and a friend of mine. They're like, dog, Greg Garcia is looking for you. I'm like, are you fucking. For what? And they're like, he's got a new. You know, my name is Earl. And they're doing like the whole season about a prison. I'm like, get the fuck out of here. So I'm in Sacramento and I go, what time? I gotta be there tomorrow? And they go, you could be there by one. So I said, fuck it, I'll be there. I did that last show Thursday, Friday morning, I woke up, took the 6am flight to LA, walked in that room, had him laughing. Booked it before I even got to the airport to come back. And at the airport I got a call already. It was Rogan telling me, listen, what are you doing this weekend? He goes, ari, got a commercial, come to San Francisco to Cobbs and do five shows. I was like, fuck it, I'm on the plane, cocksucker.

[Lee Syatt]

That's wild.

[Joey Diaz]

So I came all the way down, did the two shows with them, and then I did five shows up there and I booked Greg Garcia. So now he's fucking calling me at 4 in the afternoon. Greg Garcia, what are you doing? I got a scene for you. Come on down. We're an hour away. And that's how it was. We. Once or twice they actually called me and gave me a call sheet. I said, you have to be here tomorrow at one in the afternoon. The first time I showed up to that Set zero fucks were given. I was sober from coke, but I was smoking weed like a fucking soldier. And one of. And you guys will never see this. Find the shirt. Find a picture of me with a weed thing on my shirt, right? I'm not a fucking poster child. I smoke weed. I don't have to fucking advertise it. That's my belief since I was a kid. But somebody gave me a shirt from a weed store. They gave one to me. And God rest his soul, Ralphie. They actually went out of their way and made Ralphie like a 7X. And they made me like a 4X, because I was big, right? They made me a 4X. But once you watched it, it just felt your body. There's not too many shirts that do that. But you know that one or two shirts you have that just. You go, damn, my shit's looking tight.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, I love those shirts.

[Joey Diaz]

You know what I'm saying? And from the side, you're still a fat fuck in the front. And a certain angle, your shit is smooth. You look like fucking, you know, superfly walking into Harlem like that type of shit.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

But I love this shirt. It just felt good, the cotton. The guy spent money on him. And I had, like, a big weed thing and I had camouflage shorts on. I went on the set of this. Now, usually you walk on a set, people don't say dick to you. As soon as I walked on that set, people would turn around, look at me with their shirt and go, yeah, I'm in there eight minutes. And I'm like, oh, these motherfuckers are smoking weed on the set.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, shit.

[Joey Diaz]

So I went right into my green room, fucking rolled up a bone. They had a little vent over the fucking thing. And I'm in there fucking puffing. They knock on the door, joey, you're on. Come on. Go in there. Then they put me in a prison suit. That was the prison thing.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, I remember that.

[Joey Diaz]

So I did 12 episodes on the books and then he would just call me at 4 and go, Joey, come on down. I want you in the scene. Don't worry, you're gonna get paid. Don't worry.

[Lee Syatt]

Fuck, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

I would go down and then he goes. He called me and he goes, what's your comedy schedule look like after the 2007? And I go, or 2008? I go, I'm wide open. I just got weekends with Rogan. He goes, we're gonna shoot 13 more episodes in that fucking prison, bro. I'm like, oh, shit. And in my mind, I'M like, I'm gonna be on TV during pilot season, which never fucking happens. That means people are trying to pick their pilots and they're watching you on NBC on some show you might be reoccurring on or something. It was perfect. And the fucking strike came and that was the end of that.

[Lee Syatt]

And, and do you, did you at all think like maybe when the strike's over they'll just pick it back up?

[Joey Diaz]

I knew that once the strike, the strike went on for a few months and by the time they got everything back together, they had changed the storyline, people had moved on. You know.

[Lee Syatt]

How many people do you think? Like there must be hundreds of people who have stories like them. Like they could have been the next big fucking anything. But then something happened.

[Joey Diaz]

See the green, the green book.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Remember the beginning when they stole that guy's hat? He was at the club and somebody stole his hat.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And Virgo Morrison brings his hat back. That dude was one day, one day from being one of the biggest fucking stars in Hollywood.

[Lee Syatt]

Holy shit.

[Joey Diaz]

One day. He was the original character for Don Johnson. They had put him on retainer. 750,000 if the series went everything. He had it till that Friday. And Don Johnson walked in with a suntan looking like Johnny. But this Italian guy was good looking too back. That's why they had him. He was a really good looking guy. If he's old and he's still fucking like dog, that's a good looking fucking dude. He's gotta be 70 now and I guarantee he's still slinging dick with Viagra and shit. He's got the teeth in. He's out there. Oh my God. But yeah, that dude was one day away that Friday. So they gave him the deal on Monday. And that Friday Don Johnson walked into that room. Could you imagine how much I would have taken that? 750,000. Snorted Coke just like he did all the way till my fucking heart gave out.

[Lee Syatt]

I don't know how you don't like. I don't because like if I, if I don't make it because like I'm just not as funny, like as much as that would suck, I would understand it. But like if I feel like I like got screwed for some reason, that's. That has to kill you.

[Joey Diaz]

We're going to go to a break real quick. Remind me what we talking about if you make it. Okay, I just want to clarify this. We're going to go for a break real quick. Talk about draftkings. We'll be back. Hey, Uncle Joey here. Listen, the playoffs have arrived and you should be throwing some bets with DraftKings. They're the official sports betting partner of the NBA. If you've never bet before, there's no better time to give it a try. Listen, take a chance. Columbus did all right. It's a whole new season. The birds out, the clouds are beautiful. Anyway, it's the perfect time for you to get your sports betting career on track. Listen, you're going to have a great time. It's exciting whether you mess around with the casinos. What are you talking about, Joey? Talk to them about the playoffs. They got something special for first timers only. Uncle Joey's here to crack that little Virgin. Anyway, new DraftKings customers bet $5 to get 200 in bonus bets instantly. All right, make it to the playoff run right now. Make it a playoff run. To remember with DraftKings, download the DraftKings sportsbook app. Press code Joey J O E Y. That's code joey. J o e y for new customers to get 200 in bonus bets when you bet just $5. Who's better than DraftKings? Nobody. Only at DraftKings, where the crown is yours. Get it together. Gambling problem. Call 1-800-GAMBLER in New York. Call 877-8-HOPENY or text hopeny467-369 in Connecticut. Help is available for problem gambling. Call 888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org Please play responsibly on behalf of Boot Hill Casino and Resort in Kansas, 21 and over. Agent eligibility varies by jurisdiction. Void in Ontario, new customers only. Bonus bets expire 168 hours after issuance. For additional terms and responsible G, see DKNG CO Audio. Hey, Uncle Joey here. Listen, I get it. We're all living in a crazy economy. It's time to figure out how to lower our bills. Mint Mobile is the best place to start. Their premium wireless plans start at just 15 bucks a month. Listen, 15 bucks a month so you can call your mom whenever you want without breaking the bank. Listen, I love Mint Mobile. It works. The sound is great. Listen, what am I going to tell you about phones or services? You get the unlimited talk and text and high speed data on the nation's largest 5G network. It doesn't get better than this. Don't overpay. For call service. Shop data [e-mail] church that's c h u r c h. That's mintmobile.com church and c h u r c h. Upfront payment of $45 and you get the three month five gigabyte plan required, equivalent to $15 a month. Come on. New customer offer for three months only. Then full price plan options available, taxes and fees extra. But do me a favor, Cement mobile for details, all right? Give them a shot. We're back, you savages.

[Lee Syatt]

I. I remembered this time.

[Joey Diaz]

What were we talking about?

[Lee Syatt]

I wrote it down. We were talking about. I said if I make it.

[Joey Diaz]

Okay, define make it because I'm sick and tired of hearing make it or I'm gonna be a millionaire or no people throw that out into the fucking wilderness.

[Lee Syatt]

I know exactly what I want right now.

[Joey Diaz]

Okay, what do you want?

[Lee Syatt]

I want to have the ability to do any comedy club in the country. I wanna. I wanna be on the road between as much as I want to be in my head right now, that's 30 to 40 weeks later in life. That might go down, but I want to be able to headline and I want the shows to be sold out because people want to come see me. That and then honestly, sold out is. Yeah, that's like a end goal right now. I'd be happy to have like 200p. Like 200 people come to want to come to every show. That'd be bad. I can't even. It's like I. I see it because I'm around people who do it. But to like have that is like a dream to me. That's like. It's amazing. I can't even comprehend having that be my life.

[Joey Diaz]

What about just being funny?

[Lee Syatt]

I would love to just be funny, but the only. My, the reason I talk about it, like professionally is like, that's, that's like, that's what I was saying before. If I don't make it, I don't think I'd ever stop. But my goal is to make my living doing stand up. That it's an unfortunate and it's crazy, but unfortunately, just being funny isn't enough to make that happen.

[Joey Diaz]

Well, I came from a different background than you, Lee. You went to college, you invested your time. Okay? You have a relationship right now. How old are you?

[Lee Syatt]

36.

[Joey Diaz]

36. I mean, you're still a young fucking man. I'm just trying to be realistic here. What happens, you know, what's the next move for you in life? You think you're gonna do Jimmy Kimmel or are you gonna get engaged first? Yeah, this is all involved now. This all becomes a ball now. Okay? And now it's like, you have to look at that. I started comedy at 28 and three months later, I was divorced. I was separated those first five years. And I'm not saying nothing bad about being married or having a relationship in the beginning. You started, you know, being pretty tight with her. You're telling me about 40 fucking weeks. No woman's gonna allow that. They'll be kicking your ass after the first 20. You know, we'll see, but we'll burn that bridge later. You know, 40 weeks is a lot of weeks, Lee.

[Lee Syatt]

And I've never done it.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, I've done it. And you could do it for about three years, sustain it, you know, with a base somewhere that you go and settle for a few days, you know, from 98 to 2004, I was. Until I got the longest yard, it was nonstop holidays. I was never home for this poor girl's birthday. My wife never. The 28th, Christmas Eve, never, never. I would tell her, just go home to your parents house. There's no, I'm not coming home. Because Houston would butcher me for two weeks. The best comedy club in the country at that time would tell me, come in the 22nd, do that week and the week all the way to New Year's Eve and then New Year's, I bring in Jim Gaffigan and I would shoot to the Comedy Store. It's like, I didn't lose a fucking thing.

[Lee Syatt]

That's awesome.

[Joey Diaz]

You follow? And then I would work that, but I would always be gone. You know, for me, also, it was mixed in addiction. I knew that I could go on the road and go into deep places and nobody would see me. Like the people right in front of you. You know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syatt]

Right.

[Joey Diaz]

That's the best way to disappear.

[Lee Syatt]

And that's the thing, is I don't want to disappear. So when I say, honestly, that was my goal even before I moved to New York, now that I'm here, part of those, and I'm just 40 weeks, I've only. I think I did like 30 something last year. Part I am. I want to live in New York. I love. I never want to leave here. So if some of those weeks means I'm doing two spots a night at major clubs in New York, that would be amazing, too.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, When I was 36, it was 1999, I was a fucking. I was living with Ralphie. I would live with Gavin. I would live wherever. Whoever was out of town, that's whose bed I slept. And there was always somebody out of town. You know what I'm saying? Right? And I was just. In those days, it was so Crazy. Nothing was important to me. Like by 99, I was gone. Gone. Like not on drugs gone. Comedy wise. Like I was overstimulated. Like I didn't have an apartment. It was like being homeless and doing a. And being a comic. So if I wasn't home at night, sleeping on Josh's couch or something to do with that, I was somewhere writing with somebody. I was at the front of the store with your T shirt off, stealing sodas from the store. You know, I mean, you improvise. But what I'm trying to say, it was like going to a six week training camp for me in those days. But it all ended with cocaine or somebody's couch, not having money, waking up in the morning. There used to be a gas station on Sunset. You would have loved this place. Since I'm a professional, it was a gas station on Sunset. Across from where the old Denny's was. Where they put that restaurant that was kind of Jewish. They were from Israel and they had the bread.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, yeah, the Israeli food, the Mediterranean food. Yeah, right at the center.

[Joey Diaz]

That used to be a fucking Denny's. That was the worst Denny's in America. That was Rock and roll Denny's. Everything on that block is called rock and roll.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, Rock and roll.

[Joey Diaz]

The rock and roll supermarket. They're rock and roll. Because, dog, it's a party Friday night, that supermarket before 3:00. You walk in there, you don't know who you're gonna see. When I first moved in, I saw the kid with the bandana, who's bald, you know, moving in the dance. Yeah, Poison. I saw him one night now, like at three, quarter to three, whatever time. They closed the bar at 2:00. Rock and roll. Ralph sells booze by the gallon, dog. And all you had to do was sit out there at 20 to 2 just to see the motherfuckers that came in last minute. So that extended over to rock and roll Denny's. I remember one night, I'm in rock and roll Denny's. George, I got no fucking dough. I got 12, $13. You know, I don't have to lie to nobody. It's 19 now. It's like 2001. And I got. This is the last $20 I got before I go to Kennedy Airport and come into New York City to audition for Analyze that on my birthday. And I go to Denny's that night. I'm starving. There ain't a soul in there. Maybe like a waitress or something. It's about one in the morning and I'm eating I'll never forget two eggs with that ham and toast. And they give you those artificial potatoes chopped up, I don't know what they call them. And I get like, the iced tea. I'm sitting there minding my business, and, dog, something slides into me. And I'm eating and I go, what? And it's a fucking white girl. Pretty, but all cracked up. This could only happen to me in Hollywood. All cracked up. Bruises on her thighs. And she's picking up her dress to show me a pussy. And I won't bite. I refuse to bite. She's like, look at this. Look what I have between my legs. I'll give you a good deal. Do you have a car?

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, shit.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, yeah. And the waitress is watching me, and I'm looking at her going, what do I do here? Somebody help me. Somebody fucking helped me. I'll never forget this. She's rubbing my shoulders. And I'm not gonna lie to nobody here. At a different time, if I had a package in my pocket, that chick was good to go. You know what I'm saying? I'm not gonna lie to nobody. She wasn't bad looking. She was having a rough night, you know? And I'll never forget, like, I ate the eggs, I dipped the fucking bread, I ate the two yolks. I looked at her, I go, you know what? You're right. You look hungry. And I left her the ham. And I got up and tipped, tipped the fuck out of that dog. It was over.

[Lee Syatt]

Holy shit.

[Joey Diaz]

That's rock and roll, Ross. That's rock and roll, Denny's. Then they knocked, then they shut it down. But anyway, we're getting a rock and roll because there was a rock and roll gas station across the street. Oh, and he ran it by himself. And I would wake up, George, and just go in my pocket and pray. In those days, I would just go in my pocket and wake up in the morning and say, let's see what's in there. Some mornings with coins. Some. Some days it was a dollar and coins. It was a really hard time. But I was at the store every night, and that's all that mattered to me. I was at the store every night following Paul Mooney, going 50 for 50. I didn't know what was going to happen after I followed Paul Mooney. And then I would make my living going to Felipe Esparza's rooms, Willie Barcena's rooms, when we bumped into those dudes on the street. We were eating tacos the first night. That dude, Alfred Robles. Alfred Robles came by us. I gave him a big hug, and we started eating the taco outfit. And I go. And Alfred goes, joey Diaz. Cause I said, congratulations, Alfred. I love Alfred Robles with all my heart. And he goes, joey, I just want you to know that all this started at the fucking whatever lounge. And he just. Cause we used to have a Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. And I picked up $40 a night. That's 120. That's a. That's. I got a half gram every night. And I got gasoline. You know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, I still can't believe you budgeted for cocaine.

[Joey Diaz]

You had to show up with a 20 for the store just to get the party started. Maybe you mingle with the wrong person, they go, you know what? I got a hundred dollar bill. Go get five packages now. We'll take this to the next level.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, yeah.

[Lee Syatt]

But anyways, you were saying?

[Joey Diaz]

But I would make a living from those Felipe rooms. Then on the weekends, somebody would take me on the road. Well, I was pretty aggressive then. I would always go on the road. But my whole life was surrounded around those spots at night, sitting back there watching whoever came in. In those days, the store wasn't the store either. It wasn't nothing. It was Paul Mooney who came in. Then Dice started coming in. Everybody else was Rogan. People that nobody knew. Nobody knew these people. This is before news. No, this is news radio. Before Fear Factor, it was a fucking nightmare. There. A Tuesday was eight people. Tuesdays was eight people. Wednesday was 30. Thursdays was maybe 60. Was a great night, and the weekends were sold out. It wasn't now. It was nothing like the way it is today. But when you say make it, I just want you to understand what you're saying. Because a lot of people say make it, and they don't. They don't classify it, right? No, like, for me, making it was being funny and not being an asshole. I didn't need a fucking ship. I don't need a butler. I don't need an assistant. I don't need none of that shit. I just wanted to be a regular fucking dude that nobody would bother. But the ability to wake up in the morning and fucking tell you, I want two eggs. I don't have to go in there with my change and shit in the morning, right? That's success to me. Like a fucking dude like me, I don't give a fuck. Me going to Nobu with 20 people and jumping up and down and, you know, being Johnny Banana, that's Never been a big deal.

[Lee Syatt]

No.

[Joey Diaz]

That's the last thing I want to fucking do in the world. Which I like to go to Nobu and get some nice sushi. You drop a couple 500, whatever, you know, at least you know. When I go into an old boo, I'm just getting 20s from the ATM. Walk in. Every fucking Japanese guy gets a. They'll call me. What's that? Sushi. Sushi Dynamite. I'm Kid Dynamite. If you're going to go into a fucking sushi spot, that's the only way to do it. Go to the ATM, take 20s to start that hot black girl at the sushi place. Because they always got a hot black girl at the counter. Yeah, Always with a nice black dress and nice black shoes on that looks like Whitney Houston and fucking my other girl put together. And you're like, God, here's a 40. Every other Japanese gets a strict 20. You know what I'm saying? You're looking that good, you bad motherfucker.

[Lee Syatt]

What does that get you? That'll get you, like, the table.

[Joey Diaz]

That's Johnny Bananas. No, that's what everybody wants to be, right? Nobody wants to walk in a club with a fucking frown and rap bunny Rabbit ears and, like, put me in the corner table so I could smell everybody's asshole as they walk by. You know what I'm saying? Everybody, all of us in this room at one time said, bucket, we can't wait to walk into a club in New York City and go, here's 10,000. Everybody sucked my dick.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Whiskey for everybody. Isn't that a dream for anybody? Or is it just me to walk in the club? I don't give a fuck if Trump is sitting there walking, then go suck my dick and put 100 grand down. Drinks for everybody and just walk out, dude.

[Lee Syatt]

Mine was similar, but mine was casino. I want to be able to go in with, like, 10 grand and just. I saw one guy do that at the Stratosphere. He brought ten grand to the blackjack table, and they had to count it out and give him ten grand cash chips. And he made everyone wait. He could have gone to the cashier, but he made the whole table. And I was just like, he had 10,000 to put a thousand on each hand like that. Like, that's what I want, that.

[Joey Diaz]

We're gangsters.

[Lee Syatt]

I would love that.

[Joey Diaz]

We get the 10 and go drop it. You know what I'm saying? We're going with 10. Call them. Call the dude in the tower. Call the Chinese doing the. Oh, yeah, Chino Mina to say the signature or nothing. You don't have to. You'll never see me again. Right or wrong. That's the whole thing of doing this whole thing. But after a while, you have to really normal. I was watching that stupid show last night, and the one with Jon Hamm, he becomes a thief. He's a.

[Lee Syatt]

On Apple tv. I haven't seen it yet.

[Joey Diaz]

He becomes a thief. You know, just going, like I did. Going to somebody's house, take a watch. But he's doing the old trick. They got 20 watches, just take a watch, they won't even know. But it's interesting because I forgot those edibles are hitting me. It's interesting. What are we talking about?

[Lee Syatt]

I gotta be honest, I don't remember. I remembered up until a second ago, Jordan, nothing.

[Joey Diaz]

Fucking guy. George, you're supposed to be the editor in charge of the editor.

[Lee Syatt]

So fucked up.

[Joey Diaz]

Nobody knows nothing.

[Lee Syatt]

No one can remember.

[Joey Diaz]

Nah. I told George I was giving him some dynamite weed tonight. I saw him take two hits and go right for pastrami sandwich. I knew it was all over. The shout and the knisher. In one hand. He was. He was over there eating matzo ball soup, the whole fucking thing.

[Lee Syatt]

Giving people tips, going to the bar, to the club, to the casino. We were talking about big shot being.

[Joey Diaz]

A big shot being a big shot. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They go to. I'm not gonna tell you the story, but last night they go to somebody's house and the guy was on a championship NBA team.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay?

[Joey Diaz]

You know what I'm saying? The guy was retired now from the NBA, but he's one of those guys that has a beautiful house, gym in the garage, you know, a basketball court, but outside is just fucking trophies and pictures of him with Michael Jordan. And, you know, and they have a championship ring. But at one point. Let me show everybody my toilet. It's a toilet from Japan that's worth a half a million dollars. It washes your ass, it steam cleans it, it deodorizes your nut sack. And all these people are like, ooh. And at one point he goes, wait a second. Anybody who could score on me, I'll give $10,000. And he's out there blocking little white guy shots. He's 6 foot 7. Everybody's like, me, Lee's throwing a hook by, you know. Yeah, Everybody's like, lee. Everybody's like a little tennis dude. And this guy's 6 foot 8, blocked it. Then when he blocked it, he take it and slam dunk it. Come on. They high so Compal, they had more. So fucking. You know, you look at those type of guys, and at one point, when you're watching an 18, you're like. And you're a basketball player, you go, I wish. That's my house when I'm fucking 40. And as you get older, you're like, I don't want nobody in my fucking house.

[Lee Syatt]

No.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, I don't want anybody in my house looking at my fucking trophies and me being an asshole. That's. I don't know. I don't like a picture. Me now, I don't like none of that shit. I saved one of Troy Conrad's pictures of me because it's really dark and it's just my fucking head, and I like that shit. But you're not going to walk in my house. There's pictures of me with celebrities, me with Johnny Bananas. I don't want that shit.

[Lee Syatt]

I just want movie posters on the wall. There's people. I've been to Hollywood houses and, like, there was a couple that, like, you'd go and like, every movie they had anything to do with had. They had the poster up in, like, their kitchen.

[Joey Diaz]

It was very George framed Spider Man 2 for me. And I got the longest shot I got from Adam. I have no idea what a longer shot is, and I don't.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, but you had it in your office where it makes sense. You're not show. You're not going there and like, doing. Giving everyone a tour and showing them all the things, all the memorabilia that you have. You like, that was never the house that you. And your office. It makes sense. Or like a couple around the house. But I'm agreeing with you.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't know. It was really weird. I think once I got locked up that. Because when I got locked up. But I always knew this going in. When I got locked up, I met a lot of people who thought they were fucking Johnny Goombat. Everybody in there was Johnny Bananas. Everybody will tell you they were part of a motorcycle gang. They were the Mafia. They did work with the Chinese, but these guys are just fucking heroin dopes. They were just dopey people who were doing meth and, you know, they couldn't get off the fucking. They were in jail 20 years and they still were fucking doing speed, you know, and he was in there for murder or something like that, you know, these guys, you know, it's. It's. What was he talking about?

[Lee Syatt]

The people you might have met people.

[Joey Diaz]

Yes, when I saw that. But I remember being a kid and telling you Guys I grew up with. I had a great guy in my life when I was a kid. Every summer my mom would put me on a plane to Miami. It was like Disneyland for us. He knew the background I grew up in, so he would treat me different than his kids. It was like our little secret. And we would do things at night and one day he pulled me for a ride and he goes, listen, I'm gonna go do eight years, you know, and I gotta shut down. This guy had everything. He had fucking everything. A house, a boat, two Doberman pinschers, a beautiful swimming pool, a construction company. And something came back to haunt him from 1959 in California. And they put him in federal penitentiary in Atlanta. And I always saw that. And then as you grow older, you see all these Italian dudes that get a life sentence with their 60. What was that whole life about? So for 30 years you were at Spark State College. Yeah. Now you're 60. When you can't go nowhere and you're fucking you, you're enough until you're 80. That's the payoff for me. Is not worth it.

[Lee Syatt]

No.

[Joey Diaz]

And the ending was never worth it. The ending to end that way. And your family goes from having a house to living in a two bedroom apartment that can't make rent. I never understood that.

[Lee Syatt]

What about like the pressure of like living for 30 years on the run, like always thinking the cops are coming. Like that's crazy too. The whole life is.

[Joey Diaz]

That's a different angle of it. But my main thing was shit like that made you go. And then you see these people that. Listen, man, there's people who are very generous, okay? And I love that shit. I love being generous. But before I'm gonna walk into a bar and be generous, I'm gonna be generous with the people around me. Or I watch struggle every day. You follow what I'm saying to you, right? Anybody could give to the blind kids and have a festival. People come to their house. It's a. What do they call him? Joey? Just a fundraiser, you know. And now you, Joey, were you in Spider Man 2? Yes, many moons ago, when I was a young actor, you know. What the fuck are you doing, Joey?

[Lee Syatt]

You know what I'm saying?

[Joey Diaz]

Like, you want to give a fundraise, go give. You see a black guy on a bicycle, come here his 500, go get a fucking. Put a down payment on a fucking car. And next time I see you, tell me what you owe a month. And every time you come by on the 1st, I'll give you money and I'll give you my wife's number. Whatever you need, that's what you do. Instead of fucking being a. Well, look at me and Austin, the president Here, here. Let's hear it for Lee Sayyad for being such a. We're giving you a ribbon that you paid for. And there's your fucking. There's your cunt wife. You know, me too. I'm part of the organization. Cost you 25 grand to even talk to these morons so they could come over and act fool foolish in your house. At the end of the day when you're 65 and you're laying on a bed, do you think that's what you fucking be worried about?

[Lee Syatt]

I hope not.

[Joey Diaz]

Is that what you fucking really think you're gonna. I hope I'm not. So before I get involved, listen, why fucking. Why be a fucking fake ish. If you're gonna that whole lifestyle once. And then I went to Hollywood. Then I moved to California and I saw the most specific day I'll never forget was they had a. Not a reshoot. This is when I fucking realized I was on to something. Not gonna lie to you guys. I had a reshoot. Not a reshoot like a table read. They added. We came back from.

[Lee Syatt]

Longest Yard Spiderman.

[Joey Diaz]

We came back from being doing a Longest Shot in Albuquerque. We had a week hiatus. Everybody could do whatever they want. And we got a call one day or an email that they would change. We weren't going back to work that Friday, that Monday. We're going to push it till Thursday, but we had to go back until Thursday to go over these new things they had written that we did not even dream about when we left Albuquerque. So I'll never forget they say be there like a one at whatever building. They'll give you a pass at the gate. You just pull right up. And it was. We had already fucking done the Albuquerque scenes. I had already let them know who Uncle Joey was. Like they were on the program now. They were on I'm just a fucking idiot from North Bergen. I didn't say shit for the first two weeks. I did what they told me. And then I started taking chances and they were like, what the fuck is this guy talking about? And then when my ball sack fell out in front of Adam Sandler and I had my leg out the whole afternoon and finally everybody didn't want to come say it to me.

[Lee Syatt]

Wait, wait a second.

[Joey Diaz]

Nobody wanted to come and say it to me that my nut sack was sticking out.

[Lee Syatt]

So I'm sitting there and you weren't even filming. You were just on the.

[Joey Diaz]

No, we were filming and I didn't know I had like, some type of shorts on. We were just filming from up top with whatever. And it was like 3:30 in the afternoon and everybody's sitting around and I don't have nothing to sit. They don't. They're not even giving me a chair. You know, you get that chair with Joey Diaz. At the time, there was no Joey Diaz chair because they didn't think Joey Diaz was gonna make it. But on this particular day, I had to sit on a helmet with my balls out. Huh. And when I sat, think of me sitting with shorts, £400 at that point on a helmet. Look at the position I gotta be in, okay? And you know, it could just hold. The underwear could just hold so much. And the right nut came out and I didn't feel it. To my daughters to Mercy. I did not feel it. I just hung out there like this for like an hour. Sitting there an hour. And then I got the story from Adam Sandler. Adam Sandler came over and sat next to me. How you doing, big guy? I'm like, good, how are you? And he's like, listen, he's like, if I was you, I put that speed bag away. And I'm like, speed bag? And he goes, that thing hanging from between your legs? He goes, it's been sitting there for an hour. Nobody's had the nuts to come up here and say it to you. Nobody would say nothing to me. They were doing like, little things. Who's gonna tell him? Nobody. They were like, leave it out. No, I'm not even fucking talking to that kid. He's a lunatic.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

Right then and there I was. Adam was like, man, he rubbed my stomach. You remind me of my father. My father had a stomach like that. Oh, that was it. So we pull up. We're pulling up to Sony and fucking. It was like a Thursday. And it was like. I think Tracy Morgan was gone. No, no. I don't know if Tracy was there, but it was like. It was like Adam. Chris wasn't Adam. It was like Chris Rock. Like eight people from the movie. And I pulled. And everybody had a Jeep, a fucking Porsche, a fucking this or that. And I pulled up with a Neon with no windshield wipers. You know what I'm saying? You know, like when you do that so many times, the windshield wipers fly off and you're like, I'll get them when I get them. You know, if it's. What do I got? Money for windshield wipers. Go cocaine, boom. We'll rub this metal against the glass. It's fucking crazy. Like, I used to get into, like, things with Lee. When I first met Lee, Lee had a big stick up his ass and we'd talk about things and Lee thought I was putting them on. Like I came from this fucking struggle type of standup. Like when I first went out, I had to borrow money to get a Nissan. This piece of shit Nissan that was. The body was great and it had like 99,000 miles. Listen, if you knew anything about a Datsun, it was a Datsun B210. If you knew anything about a Datsun, those motherfuckers don't blow spark plug till they go up to like 300,000 miles. It was just a four cylinder engine that had some kick. Those things are still around. You had to throw a fucking Nakasaki bomb at those things to knock them off the fucking Route 3. I had one of those things. I put a stick in the back and I would hang my shirts back there in the back halfway. And then the other half was a pillow in case you gotta pull over. Jack. You got that thing protecting your eyes. So you have like a Puerto Rican shade there. You have the shirts in the back. Was everything first aid attire. A basketball, a Frisbee so you could never be bored. This is when you're fucking broke, you know? So the point I'm trying to make, it was from a fuck. Like I always say, nobody shows up at an open mic and a Maserati, right? Nobody's first time on stage is on a fucking Maserati. What we talking about?

[Lee Syatt]

You were talking about fucking with me when we first met because I had a stick on my ass, you know?

[Joey Diaz]

And I would tell Lee about how I still remember that fucking dot, dog. I remember coming back from my first road gig, Michigan. Like, this is your first road gig? Never mind where, Rogan. No, at that time I wasn't even running with Rogan. I didn't even know rogan. This is 95. I'm already going to Baltimore. But the first place I went was Michigan. Detroit, the Arabian town. Not Detroit, Grand Rapids. No, no, no, no. That's the Christian town with all the fucking churches. This is right in town. I'll think about it. And I was coming back and I was like, dog, I'm on my way. I don't care that I have $30 left. I don't care that I'm living in my car. I don't care that I owe an attorney $60,000. You know, I'm gonna go home and see my daughter and fucking this is what I am. I'm a comedian. All of a sudden. Bah. The fucking right, the left side of the car got a flat. Like, God damn it. I get out there, I put the spare tire on that motherfucker. I go on, you know, everything's. You know, the bicycle tire, then everybody says it's a. What do they call it? A 50 mile tire.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, the donut.

[Joey Diaz]

I drove that donut back to Colorado and back to Michigan on that fucking donut. Oh my. No, I didn't listen. I didn't get a new tire till somebody put $50 in my hand. Whatever. In those days it was like 22.50 for a tire. You think I'm fucking kidding you, man. I rode that tire. I had that. And I delivered fucking Chinese food with that bum tire. Are you fucking nuts?

[Lee Syatt]

The reason why I'm speechless is last year I had. I got a fucking flat in New Jersey and had a. Had to put the donut on. And the guy told me, listen, whatever you do, don't drive over 50 miles an hour.

[Joey Diaz]

Get the fuck. And there's no way doing 90.

[Lee Syatt]

I know, I was.

[Joey Diaz]

I was cutting people off with the fucking. That. You learn that all you know at one time, George? What do you think? You guys think I had shampoo on the road? How to use that bar soap that gets you dry? You become like Irish Ingrid Bergman. You get all fucking dry skin.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

Fucking. You pull your pants off, dust falls off from your fucking legs all the way down. You don't know what that's like. You're broke, you're on the road. People are telling you, listen, don't put soap in your eyes. Look, I got no Visine, I got the fucking washcloth. I'm taking all of my Luke smoke.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh my God.

[Joey Diaz]

Did you guys smell your clothes after fucking Texas.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh my God, they smell like barbecue, which is nice.

[Joey Diaz]

No, they don't. Listen, yours smell like rotten asshole and cigarettes and booze, okay? Because when I opened that suitcase up, something flew out at me.

[Lee Syatt]

Really?

[Joey Diaz]

And I like eight pounds of weed in that.

[Lee Syatt]

I think it might have been that. No, I haven't. No, I was.

[Joey Diaz]

It was. I told my wife, please, that in right now. I didn't even go upstairs with that clothes.

[Lee Syatt]

Wow.

[Joey Diaz]

Cause I think I was packing it when I came back Saturday night. I went in by the thing and I'm like, woo, Lord. I had two jackets that smelled like fucking Marlboro reds. George. People still smoke in there. They don't give a fuck. Yeah.

[Lee Syatt]

That was crazy.

[Joey Diaz]

That was crazy. They smoke everything in there. After 11 o'clock, it's over. But they're shot, and they put the curtains down. People are like, come on, we want to take a picture of Joe Rogan. You're in no danger. We came all the way.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, my God. Dude, it was great. There were people from everywhere there.

[Joey Diaz]

Yes, there were. Yes, there were. And the festival was nice. Listen, I was very happy that I got to go down there. I'm very proud. I thought I was gonna eat a bag of dicks.

[Lee Syatt]

Not at all.

[Joey Diaz]

But then I forgot I was in Texas. That's a good state to develop. That's a. You know, I developed in Texas. When you do the math, I'll tell you, I was always in Texas. El Paso. I got to give props where props are taken, you know? I'm saying, what do you got this week? Cocksuck. I'm not ending the podcast. I just want to talk to you about a few things.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay? On Friday the 25th, I'm in Westfield, Mass. At Bright Idea Brewing. And then on Sunday, I'm at Greenwich Village Comedy Club at 9:30.

[Joey Diaz]

Look at you making moves, trying.

[Lee Syatt]

And then I'm at dispensary on Wednesday somewhere.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, when I was in Austin, I got there. We got there Wednesday night, went to eat. I didn't really think about it. I made the video. And then all of a sudden, within minutes, my phone started popping, right? Like, people, dog, are you in town? The guy. I forgot. I was forgot. I forgot to hit back. Aj When I landed, I'm like, fuck. I was supposed. Because we were going to hook up Wednesday night, but he had already eaten dinner, so what the fuck was I gonna tell you, Motherfucker? All right. So I guess I asked Joe if I go to the mothership. No, I asked Joe if I could go to Wells.

[Lee Syatt]

To Wells.

[Joey Diaz]

To wellness. And he goes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll call later. But as soon as I got out of there, the dude texted me, goes, dog, I see you're in town. Let's hook you up tomorrow. Come on in. You know what I'm saying? So I was like, okay. And then I called him, and we made a time, and he called me back, and he goes, you can't come during this time. And I walked in there next morning. That was the best night's sleep I got. Knowing that I was going in there that night was like five hours maybe, right? Probably, yeah, maybe. I slept like five or six hours. And it wasn't that I was drunk or anything that night. Yeah, the room was brutal. It was cold as fuck. I put that room down to 65 on the third level of the fan. And I brought my own little portable fan.

[Lee Syatt]

You did not bring a fan.

[Joey Diaz]

Come on now.

[Lee Syatt]

How cold do you need to be?

[Joey Diaz]

Come on now. Come on now.

[Lee Syatt]

Holy shit.

[Joey Diaz]

And I put that blanket on top. And at one point, I got off and the bed was wet. Like I had pissed it 18 times. I had to turn the pillow over, Jordan. It was dripping.

[Lee Syatt]

You were sweating that much?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, because I put the blanket over my head. Since I got the hose coming out, I don't need to be out there like the rest of you guys breathing. I put that blanket over my head. I get that room colder than fuck, Jack.

[Lee Syatt]

But then why are you sweating so much?

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, my room has been so cold lately. After 15 years, my cat's going under the blanket. I land in bed at night, and all of a sudden she starts the bullshit. I hug her and I pick the blanket up, and it's like a 10 minute walk. She goes near like a Vietnam vet, like there's going to be a bomb. I'm like, get the fuck in there already. Jesus Christ. I might just like 10 minutes. But I went to Wells. I walked in there. The guy's name is Brigham. And they had moved locations from the first time that I went. Well, the first time I went, I got a shot in my knee and I was fucking petrified. And it went by like this. Nothing. I'm like, wow, really? Then I went down. Second time, they go, come on back. I did it again. Boom. No pain. I didn't faint. In fact, I even took the earphones off because I usually go in those places with earphones so I don't hear the needles ripping when they take it out. That's how much of a pussy I was. I was in the hospital three weeks this year. You got to see me now with needles. I'm like, you take the arm bow. Nothing no more. I even put some. Yeah, they had to put a thing in my arm the other day. And they had no. They had to put. To do this thing. They put like this catheter in and they shoot you with the fucking. The first thing I did was a stem cell iv. No, I did a stem cell. I was scared of the bag that drips, so I did a stem cell blood something. It goes into your blood. That was the first two times I went. And then this time I walked in. I told Them what I was in the hospital for. They had a fucking AI computer that you talk like. They told me what went on with me when I was in the hospital. Then they go, let's ask this guy. And they asked him and he gave like a fucking. It was unbelievable, guys, where the future's going.

[Lee Syatt]

And then. So you did. And didn't you do a breathing thing too?

[Joey Diaz]

So then number two, I did a lung. I've been doing those. I'm supposed to do like three a week. I just ran out of the prescription. It's a steam you put on with a hose and you put the chemical on the bottom. Then you put it in your mouth. It's like a pipe. And you're breathing it out of there.

[Lee Syatt]

Like a nebulizer, I think.

[Joey Diaz]

A nebulizer?

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

So they gave me a. Whatever stem cell nebulizer for my lung cancer. Yeah. We didn't fuck around. Then they shot me with the needle and they put whatever into my blood. And then we did the liquid iv. The iv, Liquid iv, the iv. And then from there they put me in a red light therapy bed. And then from there I went into a hyperchamber and they put an oxygen mask on you and oxygen goes on you to wake everything the fuck up. And I was in there for like. And I had a pee. But then from not having to pee, I had so much oxygen in the red blood, my dick got harder than fuck. And they opened up that little kigmoon and I couldn't even pick up my leg. It was like one of those 8th grade hard ons. That motherfucker's hard. You wake your mother up. Ma, Take a look at this. I don't know what's going on.

[Lee Syatt]

I think the guy was really happy about you talking about it. And then now he's got a hard on in his hyperbaric chamber.

[Joey Diaz]

It's not like I took it out and banged it out. I just. For some reason, you know, the blood went to that area, got a little fucking. I was looking out into the wilderness. I don't know what fantasy crossed my mind. You know, sometimes when you look at trees, shit happens. You know what I'm saying? Especially if you're on the spectrum like me. Things happen. You're out there just staring and all of a sudden you're like. You know, I remember the time when there's no time.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

But that's an interesting question you had for me tonight, Lee. Because I don't know. And I have people who actually come up to me in My neighborhood and say shit to me how I should act. Nobody said something to me the last two years, but I had two neighbors, like, in one year. They'd go, you know, I was doing something and I saw you here on tv, I never knew. And then they're like, why don't you act a certain way? And I'm like, well, how would you like for me to act, right? You want me to have a limo in front of my house and some. Come on, man.

[Lee Syatt]

There's people who do it.

[Joey Diaz]

No, but you know what? It's like, you have to remember at one point, like, anytime I try to be a big shot, I remember being in fucking prison. And there were people who used to go, you know what? I ain't eating the food. And there was this big white guard who would go, shit, I wonder what you were eating under that fucking bridge or something to that effect, right? And it made sense, right? Like when you were under that bridge, what the fuck were you eating? And listen, he wasn't under a bridge. He's just saying, we've all been under a bridge. Where you're like, one morning you get up and there ain't no fucking oatmeal. So you just got to drink the water, the milk straight. Or, you know, cereal with water. You ain't in prison, you better eat that. Yeah, that's a one shot deal. There's no bodega up the corner.

[Lee Syatt]

That's like a nightmare.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, there's nothing like that. So it's just when you look at things and you look at for what they are, I. I just. I don't know, guys. I'm too old.

[Lee Syatt]

Is there something like that? Like, no matter how much money you had that you still wouldn't spend money on, like, for me, Like, I don't think I would ever do, like a $200,000 car even if I had one.

[Joey Diaz]

Thing I wish I could fucking do. I'm not gonna lie to nobody. At times I think of fucking doing something because this is the only thing I wish I could do. I wish I could rent a private plane for like your gigs every week to go somewhere with you guys just on a whim. Right now, dog, I'm 62 years old. You ask me what I want to do.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, it's.

[Joey Diaz]

We're too old for a week in a place. Ain't nobody gonna make a week in fucking Puerto Rico. None of us. But two days up in Vermont, that would be fucking great to have like a private. I'm not saying spend 17 million on a Private plane, but be able to charge. I'm saying, to invest the money in a package like that. You have five flights for $8,000 a flight, $40,000. You can make three payments or something like that. I would fucking love to do something like that. I wouldn't. I would. I don't want to go to California.

[Lee Syatt]

Where would you want to go?

[Joey Diaz]

I'd like to do another Florida run somewhere. I want to go again and do a show. Let's get it out of the way. I'm going to fucking Red Rocks, October. So I'd love to go to Boulder.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, shit.

[Joey Diaz]

Take George to Boulder with me as my personal bodyguard. George will do his own video spots in Boulder with Joey. Robbed.

[Lee Syatt]

It's gonna be a long video.

[Joey Diaz]

That'll be a few boards. I'll be right to Khan. Tell him George. Yeah, no, don't worry about those. We'll take care of those with the governor. If they arrest you, we'll be cool. Don't worry. We'll. We'll get you an attorney within minutes.

[Lee Syatt]

Holy shit. That's awesome. You're doing Red Rocks.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm doing Red Rocks with Burt. But why not end a nice show at the theater in Boulder? Why not? Why fucking not, right? You know, do another fucking Santa Fe run. Santa Fe, New Mexico, guys, for three days, rent a car and go up and get green chilies from all those little ski resorts. Just do a green chili run. Maybe one more Denver run. I don't want to fly into that fucking airport in Denver. But on the other hand, I don't want to end up like La Bamba either.

[Lee Syatt]

Who's La Bamba?

[Joey Diaz]

You know, the guy who died in a plane crash in a fucking mountain. You fuckamba. We gotta do a history.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, Jesus.

[Joey Diaz]

You don't know that song? Isn't that La Bamba?

[Lee Syatt]

No, I didn't know he died in a plane crash.

[Joey Diaz]

You don't like that song?

[Lee Syatt]

I love that song.

[Joey Diaz]

Doug. We used to have a T shirt, Mr. Terranova. And I'll never forget that in those days in North Bergen High School, there was an A cafeteria and a B cafeteria. And the B cafeteria. I could be saying them wrong, but the A cafeteria was just for Spanish people. And the B cafeteria was this on.

[Lee Syatt]

Like, the sign or. This was just known. This sounds like you went to school. Prison.

[Joey Diaz]

This was not. This was.

[Lee Syatt]

Didn't you. Didn't you say that, like, recess? Or Jim was, like, shoveling the snow, too? Like, what?

[Joey Diaz]

No, no, no, no. That was at McKinley. You shovel snow. Okay, but once you got to North Bergen high school in 1978. It was lunchroom A and B. Lunchroom A was just for Spanish people, and lunchroom B was for everybody else. White kids, a few Indians. No. At that time, if you were Indian, they put you over there with.

[Lee Syatt]

They just thought you were brown.

[Joey Diaz]

You're like, yeah. So here's where it gets complicated. Every day, teachers would have to switch posts at different lunches, okay? So every day, there was a new teacher. Two teachers on each door in cafeteria A. And there'd be two teachers. And sometimes it would be this lesbian teacher that I was tight with. That one day I showed her my balls. She was teaching gymnastics, and she had those things like this, and I had to hold my sweats, and I picked up those legs. Her name was Ms. Bernard. She's still alive, I think.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, God.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. And I'm like, Ms. Bernard. My balls were swinging. She never took me to the principal's office. But there was a teacher that I idolized growing up. In fact, I gotta reach out to this dude. His name was Mr. Terranova. And in those days, Mr. Terranova would have a suit on tight as a motherfucker by room A. And as I walked by, he'd go, coco, come here. And I'd walk up to, like, this close to him, Nick, and he'd be right here. And all of a sudden, when three Spanish people would walk in, he'd go, hold on one second. And he'd go back to me.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

The kids would go like, what the. Ah. Ah. Oh, my God. But he did it perfectly. And his face draw. He just be talking to you and all. He go, hold on in the tweet. And one day, we were sitting again, talking there, and there was, like, a little misunderstanding. And some guy stepped on Mr. Terranova's shoes.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, no.

[Joey Diaz]

A Cuban kid stepped on his shoes. I'm talking to Mr. T and Austin. T's talking to me and Austin. The kids, you know, people step on your shoe, but they keep going. And all of a sudden he's like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Time out. He goes, get your hoop doop de doop merengue shoes off. The kid just cracked when he said hoop. Hoop, dude. The kid just fractured. The kid thought he was going to Studio 54. He had those pointy shoes. Oh, my God. Get those hoop doop de loop merengue shoes off my feet.

[Lee Syatt]

Jesus. Everything. The more you describe it, the more I'm like, this sounds like fucking prison. That's crazy.

[Joey Diaz]

There was no prison. That's a problem.

[Lee Syatt]

You said they had to change posts.

[Joey Diaz]

No. The teachers had to be their guards. No, no, no. They would just stand on the corners to make sure like a 50 year old didn't come and eat lunch with.

[Lee Syatt]

A 12 year old.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, that's why they were there, to make sure some fucking 50 year old is strolling with a Beatles lunchbox and sitting next to a bunch of 12 year olds. Hey, have you ever heard a fucking.

[Lee Syatt]

Here comes the sun.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. So where you at? You're at some fucking country club again?

[Lee Syatt]

No, I'm in a brewery on Friday.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, here goes another brewery.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, and then I'm at Greenwich Village Comedy Club on Sunday.

[Joey Diaz]

Okay, you're fucking doing great, Lee. That was. You did two great fucking sets.

[Lee Syatt]

Thank you.

[Joey Diaz]

You handled yourself up front. You know, listen, man, you never want to see your kids suffer in life. You never want to see your kids suffer. And I love Lee. I don't want ever. I don't want to hear nothing bad about Lee, but I'm really proud and how much better you're getting up front. And you were not gonna get that one past me, Lee, until I see.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, doing up right here.

[Joey Diaz]

No, you have to go up first.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, I don't mind.

[Joey Diaz]

I want you to figure out in your mind how you're gonna be the life of the party. You're going up first. This is the Joey Diaz Show. I'm not taking that away from him. Your attitude is this. I'm opening up for Dave Chappelle, and this is the Dave Chappelle Show. I'm not taking that away from him. But I am the quarterback. I am the first face they fucking see. So my tempo sets the tempo for the rest of the night. If you're dropped back to five and throw to the five yard line and get the guy to step out of bounds, that's your tempo. But we gotta speed this motherfucker up. You gotta let him know about that Jewish explosion. My dick is ready to go. I just had lox and a fucking bagel and I got fucking diarrhea. I'm ready to stab a motherfucker, you know? And that's your mindset. Like after, like, yeah, we fuck around, we giggle, but, you know, that's it. Now you become a Jew.

[Lee Syatt]

Boom.

[Joey Diaz]

You know I'm saying, like, that's it. This is not, you know, that focus. Like when you see a Jewish surgeon, he's going in for the big kill, right? But before you're dying, he's like, listen, if you live, I need an extra 15 points. Cut it, cut it out. And he's like, fucking. Because this Jewish precision, right? And I want you to become the best at that. For right now, I don't want you to worry about headlining or featuring. Trust me, I know somebody else who focused on that and that became something later on. But how to get that stage at a cold opening and just go. You're not asking questions. You're not there to learn. They're there to learn from you as a comic. Who the fuck are you? The guy who drinks tequila. I want that shit like I want a finger up my ass. You know what I'm saying? I never want that. I want them to come at me. What's that?

[Lee Syatt]

The heater turned up.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, fucking guy. I thought he heard the Exorcist or something, you know, I want to go out there and control. That's you. You're the quarterback, right? And that's what a lot of people I am. See last week. It's okay. You're going to move up. No, you're not. You're going to be an emcee. Look how you set mc. You're gonna be an emcee the rest of your fucking life. Look at your attitude when you're an emcee. You're that. You're that first guy that runs. When you super bowl, they don't have. They don't have the fucking. Some mooc run out. They have the fucking fastest guy on the team run out first. He blows the thing, smoke comes out white, bitches faint. His dick pops out of his shorts and he's on the 50 yard line like he was getting chased by three cops. That's the way it is. You're the cat. If you go out there, hi, my name is Lee, I'm Jewish. Boom. Right now you gotta dig. You just. They just threw more dirt on you. Forget about what fucking Hitler did. They just threw more dirt on you.

[Lee Syatt]

On top of what Hitler did.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, and you did it to yourself. You went out there, ho hum. And I saw you doing that. And you were struggling for a while in New York and I fucking. It hurt me because it wasn't doing nothing for your ego. But I knew in the long run, I knew that. Now you look at it as this sucks. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I have to be the second guy up. No, you're gonna learn how to master being the first guy up. And master it with the back of your mind. That Joey Diaz just got hit by a car. He ain't Even showing up tonight, that motherfucker. That when you put that in your mind and you have to figure out, like, you know. Cause one day. One day, and it might be fucking soon, somebody might come up to you. You might be going up first, and I'm gonna have to give you a sign from the side and going, fucking Ari didn't show up. Do an extra 15 minutes. But you already went out there with 15 minutes. That's horrible. That's horrible, right? But that's another curveball I'll throw at you. I'm sure you look to the side instead of, you might be up there for 28, and I'll tell you, you've been doing 10. You got 18 more.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, no, bro.

[Joey Diaz]

Your insides break when you think you're killing at 18 and you're like, I got 12 more minutes to fight it out, all of a sudden you look aside, you're like, keep going. And you're like, keep going. After 12 minutes, I'm done. I've done everything. My mother's joke, the one I wrote in the third grade, the one I got from my nephew's cup. Remember we were kids, they had those little fucking cups. You know what, Animal? Don't you play cards with a cheetah? All right, let's wrap this up.

[Lee Syatt]

Well, I appreciate it, buddy. It was great. I'm ha. And I pre. I honestly really appreciate. Not even honest. I love doing the shows, but, like, the. Like, you gave me that advice to not ask questions. Like, at the airport at like, 6, I was, like, barely asleep awake. And that's, like, all I've been thinking about. So I. I appreciate it.

[Joey Diaz]

You did good. And, you know, that was lead. That's a thousand people. 1800. Yeah, that's not. I didn't expect you to go out there and fucking do what you did. So I'm very proud of you. I'm happy that you're working hard. You know, you came back, got off the plane, I went home and melted. I couldn't even get up Sunday. That's how old I am. This kid went out, went. Did the dojo comedy with Steve Simone and then went and did a midnight show. There were two people there by the time he got there. Oh, that's heartbreaking. You know, it was. That's the proof that you're a real comic right there. You waited all day for the midnight set. You get there, there's eight people to boot. The first people. The first four should have been shot and hung a long time ago. Now it's down to One person. You're up there going, like, you know, should I shoot myself now, or. Yeah.

[Lee Syatt]

But the door. And this is the last thing I'll say. The dojo was great with Steve. It was. I was. And that, like, just.

[Joey Diaz]

That was a great comedy movie, right? Yeah.

[Lee Syatt]

Steve's still here.

[Joey Diaz]

And what's he doing? He sat at home like a fucking genic.

[Lee Syatt]

No, he's eating pizza all over the place. He said, like, he's gone to, like, every amazing pizza place so far. And he killed at the dojo, so. But it was.

[Joey Diaz]

I would have brought him here tonight. I didn't know he was still in town. Okay, you should have brought him here with you. What do you think? I don't want to see him. He could have ate half that.

[Lee Syatt]

I think he's doing something at night.

[Joey Diaz]

Who gives a. He could have came here sick. He's a Catholic. He's like, Jesus. They could change his mind.

[Lee Syatt]

Like this.

[Joey Diaz]

All right. I love you suckers. The only thing I had coming up is May 17th.

[Lee Syatt]

You're right.

[Joey Diaz]

17Th at Parks Casino. Is it sold out already? Oh, we just got August tickets.

[Lee Syatt]

Nice.

[Joey Diaz]

In August or May. Don't buy any tickets. They're all too high. If they're over $40, come in August. You know what I'm saying? Bring your in laws. They'll want to see some shows. Stay black. We love you. We'll be back next week. All right, thank you.