Don't Get in the car Joe!

Summary

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Podcast Summary: The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament

Episode: Don't Get in the car Joe!

Date: February 3, 2026
Hosts: Joey "Coco" Diaz & Lee Syatt
Location: LIVE from NYC

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Main Theme & Overview

In this lively and reflective episode, Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt kick off February from New York City, swapping stories about life, comedy, health adventures, and the changing landscape around them. The episode dives deep into the gritty realities and unwritten rules of comedy, the camaraderie among comics, generational differences, perseverance, the value of authenticity, and how the scene has transformed—from open mic politics to major venues. Expect signature unfiltered Joey (with plenty of laughs and wild anecdotes), grounded by Lee's relatable everyman presence.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Catching Up and Everyday Life

• Health Updates and Injuries:

  • Joey recounts a recent pimple on his nose, a knee MRI, and the hazards of winter in NYC (e.g., snow melting and heavy ice globes falling from the roof) [02:07–03:19].
  • Lee shares a story about burning his fingers while changing a hot lightbulb, referencing "Men in Black" [03:26].

• Cats Are Weird:

  • The duo bond over their cats' odd behavior, including theories that cats are "protecting you at night" or "see spirits" [01:02].

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2. Peptides, Health Experiments, and Getting Older

• Joey’s Peptide Journey:

  • Joey riffs on his exploration of peptides (PT-141 for sexual health, BPC-157 for injury recovery, and peptide “cocktails”) and explains their effects, FDA status, and how he self-administers them [04:11–10:05].
  • Memorable anecdote about the effects of PT-141: "Your dick grows. You come and then it stays hard...I woke up at 8 in the morning. My dick was still big and fucking gooey and shit." – Joey [06:25]
  • Safety warning: Only use peptide injections in moderation ("You can only do it four times in a month!") [05:18]

• Old School Pain & Shots:

  • Joey dramatically describes the worst shot he’s received—draining his knee fluid and the pain involved [10:49–12:08].

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3. Comedy Club Stories & The Stand-Up Life

• Comedy as Therapy:

  • Joey discusses how going to the local dojo (comedy club) and interacting with younger comics has rekindled his passion: “Ever since I've gone to the dojo, I've gotten a purpose. One kid always asks me something every week…” [48:30].
  • On personal comedy evolution: “It took me five years to go back to storytelling… I'm not a joke writer. I'm the type of guy that takes a situation…it could be horrible…there's a way of saying it that people like.” [15:06]

• Performing in Staten Island:

  • Joey raves about his recent Staten Island gig, comparing the raw, wild crowd there to classic Philly shows. He emphasizes connecting with his "people" ("I'm their fearless leader!") and why real, gritty audiences beat the "Barbra Streisand concert" types [21:46–23:00].

• Generational Comedy Gaps:

  • Joey laments how younger comics misinterpret the grind, not recognizing the learning embedded in struggle and club politics: “They just see the finished product…that was me. Bare bones. That’s not Joey Diaz 2.0…” [51:09].

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4. Industry Politics: Navigating Bookers, Clubs, and Respect

• Respecting Stage Time:

  • Joey and Lee discuss the importance of not “running the light” (going over your allotted time) in comedy, why it’s disrespectful, and the bad reputation it can earn you [75:52–80:29].
  • Joey's philosophy: "There's a reason why you're doing that. Those times are there...if you're ending on a hippy ippy note, take your time and pull the plug..." [76:51]

• Club Rejection to Payback:

  • Joey shares stories of being excluded by clubs early on, only to later outsell their rooms and be courted by those same bookers—revealing the "revenge factor" of stand-up [83:20–88:03].

• Tales of Club Hustling:

  • The "Don't Get in the Car" story: Joey warns Rogan not to ride with a club owner with questionable motives. “Rogan, don't get in the car. He's gonna suck your dick.” [68:25]
  • Instances of comics (and bookers) manipulating open mic politics, and how scams like fake raffles and gender biases affected who got on stage [62:15–62:32].

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5. Camaraderie, Mentorship, and Gender Dynamics

• Female Comics in the Scene:

  • Joey reflects warmly on his friendships with female comedians, how it differs from interactions with women outside the scene, and how those relationships (Ali Wong, Whitney Cummings, Annie Lederman, Kim Congdon, Princess Shank, etc.) have enriched his comedy life [36:35–39:39].
  • Notable quote: "When I talk to a comedian, a comedian, a female. They could be any age. And there's really no blockage. Unless I'm hitting on her, of course." – Joey [36:59]

• Value of Authenticity and Vulnerability:

  • On personal material: “Your comedy has to become personalized to go over a hump. People don't wanna say, 'hey, in the third grade, I got fucked in the ass.' It's very rough for a person to say that… But if you go in there with a twist…” – Joey [20:05]

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6. Cultural Commentary: Venues, Audiences, and Changing Times

• Class & Sporting Event Rants:

  • Joey rails against how big sporting events have gone from working-class to exclusive, expensive affairs, pushing out "real fans" for "people who bought gear on the way to the game." [24:00–28:28]
  • On celebrity culture at games: "They don't give a fuck about the...You know what celebrity...At halftime, they got a fat black chick singing, come on, guy..." [23:59]

• Awards Show Cynicism:

  • Joey critiques the Grammys and how "critical thinking" about entertainment in places like LA is insincere [25:26].

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7. Perseverance, Mental Toughness, and the Will to Create

• Joey’s Nightly Ritual & Staying Motivated:
  • Reflects on sitting alone in the Comedy Store’s Original Room, fighting off self-doubt: “[I'd] focus on how quiet it was and dream about when I could make this room explode.” [91:19–93:16]
  • Discusses how supporting and mingling with up-and-coming comics keeps him vital and inspired: "By me coming here and being involved with you. This is why I'm alive...you could do all the jumping jacks in the world, be dead inside." [48:30]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the Impact of Peptides:

  • “Your dick grows. You come and then it stays hard...I woke up at 8 in the morning. My dick was still big and fucking gooey and shit.” – Joey [06:25]
  • “Listen, man. People are fucking working. They're 70 now. 65 is just a fucking number. Now you're 70 and you have to get yourself ready for this shit.” – Joey [17:04]

• On the Comedy Stage:

  • “All battles are won and fought, fought and won before they even fight...all battles are wonderful without even throwing a punch.” – Joey [14:35]
  • “I'd rather have 50 eyeballs staring you fucking down. Like, wait, they're waiting for you to make me laugh.” – Joey [15:56]

• On Comedy Camaraderie & Female Comics:

  • “When I talk to a comedian female. They could be any age. And there's really no blockage...” – Joey [36:59]
  • “Comics can say wild...You can ask Kim Congdon about the time the guy grabbed her pussy and she kicked him in the head and she'll laugh about it. And if you said that to any...a woman at Rudy's, they'd call the cops on you.” – Lee [37:55]

• Classic ‘Don’t Get in the Car’ Story:

  • “Rogan, don't get in the car. He's gonna suck your dick.” – Joey [68:25]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:00–04:00 | Opening banter, cats, injuries, everyday life in NYC
• 04:11–10:05 | Peptide health saga and learning about self-administered therapy
• 15:03–23:00 | Stand-up comedy style evolution, Staten Island gig, raw audiences vs. "fancy" venues
• 36:35–39:39 | Gender dynamics in comedy, friendships with female comedians
• 48:30–51:30 | The importance of mentorship, giving back, and finding purpose
• 62:15–62:32 | Open mic politics, comedy hustle, Jamie Foxx’s name trick
• 75:52–80:29 | Respect for stage time, running the light, comedy etiquette
• 91:19–93:16 | Joey's solo rituals at the Comedy Store, mental discipline
• 94:44–97:22 | The Dice Clay "contents of my balls" album pitch anecdote

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Closing Thoughts

This episode is a goldmine for anyone interested in comedy’s inner workings, life lessons from the trenches, and Joey Diaz’s unwavering commitment to authenticity. Joey and Lee serve up equal parts hilarity, wisdom, and motivation—for comics and civilians alike.

Next Week: More stories, more therapy, and more of Uncle Joey’s unfiltered advice. Stay black, savages!

Transcript

[A]

Kick this mule. What's happening? Beautiful people. It's the Church of what's Happening Now. New addition. My man Kato, Lee Syed and your Uncle Joey. We're back. Tip top, Magoo. Who cares about the snow? It's February 3, 2026. What have you done so far this year? What's up, dog? Brett?

[B]

I'm good, dude.

[A]

Everything all right?

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

I'm good. You okay?

[B]

What's happening to your nose?

[A]

Oh, man. I had a little fucking pimple.

[B]

I thought you fell. No, your knee was fucked up. No, you popped a pimple. I love popping.

[A]

No, it wasn't even a pop pimple. No, I had, like, something there. And you just scratch it in the middle of the night and shit. I woke up, had a little scab on my finger and some fucking blood on the sheet. My cat wouldn't talk to me, you know.

[B]

Dude, does your cat does.

[A]

Great.

[B]

Just sit and stare at things all the time. I don't know what the fuck this cat's look at. Just sits in the middle of the room and just stares at the wall for hours.

[A]

Wait till you wake up to pee in the middle of night. And they sit by your door looking in the hallway. And you're like, what are you doing, Gray? She's like, and they're protecting you. I guess they're protecting you at night. That's a fucking. A weird animal, dog. Don't even try to wrap your head around those.

[B]

No, I can't.

[A]

And they see spirits, so they might be out there. Because that spirit in the house lurks.

[B]

There must be. Dude, someone broke. I've never experienced this, ever. Our neighbor is doing work and it just smashed. Smash. Smash. Two seconds later, hear, like, stuff falling. And I thought stuff was falling in their apartment. They fucking busted a hole into our closet from the other apartment. I had to go knock on the door. The poor guy was like, what? Like, look, there's a hole.

[A]

And then.

[B]

And they. There's nothing. I'm sorry. And that.

[A]

Like, they gotta cover it up.

[B]

Oh, they're going to, but it's like, cover it up.

[A]

Jesus. I've never seen a hole in your wall. What's going on here?

[B]

Just in the closet. Oh, my God.

[A]

I heard the same thing. I got home after I had that mri. My knee was on fire. I just went home and put on, like, something was on hbo. And I don't even watch tv. I just sit back in the chair, rub that Novocaine on it, whatever, that cocaine cream.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Yeah, dog. In the middle of this I hear, ba, ba, ba, ba. I'm like, what the fuck? I went. I got like a thing out of the washer and I limped upstairs. And I looked all around the house. No windows were broken. Nothing, nothing. And all of a sudden, two minutes later, I heard it again. Like, what the fuck? The snow was melting.

[B]

Oh, Jesus.

[A]

So the globs were coming off the fucking roof in sheets and breaking. I had to break a fucking thing the other day. That if I just happened. Dog, I just happened to look up. Thank God it just happened. Cause some days I say, what a beautiful day. You look down, your bags are gone. You know what I'm saying? So I looked up, and by the house, there was a fucking. A sphere.

[B]

Oh, I love those.

[A]

It was fucking six inches. I had to get the thing you change the light bulbs with and crack it and it fell and the middle was like, fucking. If it would have hit me in the head, we wouldn't have been here right now.

[B]

Jesus. Well, you have something to change light bulbs?

[A]

Yeah, because we have those light bulbs high in the ceiling.

[B]

Can I tell you how much of an idiot I am? We have, like, a light that you have to reach in and get a light bulb. And I was doing it, and I've never seen this kind of light bulb. It was out. So I reached into the other one that was on and, like, see if I could feel it. We had just turned it on. Have you ever seen Men in black when, like, they burn your fingertips off? I touched a light bulb for, like. It had been on for like two minutes. Touched it for like three seconds.

[A]

My.

[B]

My fingers turned yellow. It was. I didn't. I wasn't. I wasn't hot even.

[A]

Burn your juice? No, it didn't. Can't burn the skin no more.

[B]

It smelled like locks.

[A]

The skin got toughest. It's Auschwitz. I can't burn juice skin no more. Oh, they shot peptides into that.

[B]

Oh, you were talking about that in Staten Island. I want those things now. I didn't know that was for your dick.

[A]

Listen, you have to look up peptides for sexual health. I didn't know it. Aaron Berg, the freak that he is, told me. Because when I went to ways two, well, I was like, hey, man, I was talking to the AI guy, a little rabbit, whatever the fuck he is. The Martian, Yeah. And I asked him, I want to be a sexual savage. And he goes, well, there's a bunch of Peptides that can help you, but you gotta get your testosterone up and then do PT141 or whatever. And I forgot all about it. And I was talking to Aaron, he goes, did you get that PT141? Holy fuck. So I just went home, I ordered it and I fucking did it myself. Every time I do those things, I don't want to have sex. I just want to see how I feel. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

Wait, it's like a real needle.

[A]

Like.

[B]

Yeah, you shot. You just ordered it online, it came and you didn't want to have sex?

[A]

No, hold on.

[B]

I'm sorry. I got really excited.

[A]

I'm sorry. So, dog, I don't want my eyeball to pop out before I commit. I'm gonna try it first. I told Terry it was like a. Any nad shot. Okay? She shoots me at night, my arms all bruised, and she hit me with that. And the first night, I feel nothing. Like, bro, this is a rip off. Because it's not Viagra. Viagra and Cialis and the other shit. Open up blood flow. This attacks your central nervous system. You can only do it four times in a month. Can't keep doing it because you'll. Pretty soon you'll be fucked up again.

[B]

I was gonna say, how many times have you done it since you got it?

[A]

So hold on. So the next night I go, it didn't work. I got a. Dude. I went back up and they're like, nah, you gotta shoot a little more. So again, I didn't want to shoot the dose.

[B]

Oh my God.

[A]

That they told me to do. So I shot like half of that. Nothing happened. It's like when I did ecstasy. Everybody told me it was a party. Pussy flies through the air. I did ecstasy. Nothing happened. I think I jerked off and went to bed. It was no big deal. But again, my tolerance is high. So I waited a week and I filled it to like fucking three, whatever the fuck it is. And I had Terry stab me in the arm. What a mistake, dog. Holy shit. Your dick grows. You come and then it stays hard. But not for fucking 10 minutes. For a couple hours. Like 10 minutes. I woke up at 8 in the morning. My dick was still big and fucking gooey and shit. Gooey. I wouldn't shower. I had to bang it out. Cause it lasts anywhere from 24 to 48 hours.

[B]

Dude, aren't you supposed to go to the hospital when that happens?

[A]

Who gives a fuck? You don't go to. We ain't gonna tell him I shot BT141. Yeah, I got a hard on. It won't go down. Line up the nurses. You know what I'M saying, line up the nurses in the wheelchair. Papa's coming for 48.

[B]

God damn it.

[A]

Yeah, so you don't know what the time range is on it. So you go to Peptide Science and you order a 3 milligram PT141. But they'll send you a box of 3 milligrams. Like two shots in there. You prep them, you go online, press in how to prepare PT141 injections. It tells you everything. The cotton swab, the fucking. The alcohol on your arm, the alcohol on the thing before, how to put the bottle. Give it a shot. I love peptides, guys. How do I still shoot BPC 157 in here? But I started shooting it with the copper. And the copper is really good for your skin and all this shit. But the copper, like if I just shoot PT, whatever the fuck, BP157 and TB500. It's an easy needle. Like I'll shoot one here, here and here.

[B]

You're giving yourself needles now, Officer?

[A]

My wife. I look the other. But I prepped them. I prep everything. I got 2,000 fucking diabetic.

[B]

I gotta be honest, I kind of want her to be prepping it. I don't trust your eyes.

[A]

Because I want it extra strong.

[B]

That's not allowed?

[A]

No, you want them a little extra strong to give you a little pep in your step.

[B]

It's not like a shot of whiskey, dude. You're fucking injection.

[A]

A shot of whiskey don't even do nothing to me. So I shoot that. I just finished a 12 week prescription, CJ. Okay.

[B]

I just love all these letters and numbers you're throwing out there. Oh my God.

[A]

A fucking math, man. But it's interesting. I'm reading up on them. I'm getting certified as a course. I got nothing else going on.

[B]

Certified to do what?

[A]

Like, like not to administer, but to talk to people about peptides and learn more about them, okay? Like everything.

[B]

I have no idea what peptides are.

[A]

A peptide is a chain of amino acids, okay? And they do thousands of things to you. Some of them are FDA approved, some of them are not. This fucking PT 141 for you motherfucking people who like Mexican products. This ain't a Mexican product. It's FDA approved and it's been around since 1971 or something.

[B]

Damn.

[A]

And I just don't tell you guys. They don't tell you nothing. Don't tell you nothing. I got a friend that his knee. He kept telling me the knee. Don't tell me again. Go to fucking underground Nutrition on Route 9 and get some fucking BPC157 and some other shit. Every time I'd see the guy on my knee go down there, guess what? He went down after three months. Guy taught him how to do everything. He called me the other day and thanked me. He goes, dog, I've taken two weeks of shots. He goes, it doesn't hurt when I get out of my car no more, okay? I'm not making this shit up because it helps the tissue grow. So if you got knee problems or you're feeling knee palms, I would go right and get B57. Don't take the pill. No, no, no. Because the pill goes to your stomach. It gives you, like, gut health. Like a. Anti. Like a probiotic.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

You want it in the area? Yeah. Like any day now, I'm going to start blasting my shoulders. It's starting to go boom, boom on each side. 2, 3 shots in each muscle.

[B]

Do you used to pass out when you had a needle and that sounds like you're doing like six or seven a week.

[A]

It took 55 fucking years, but I did it, dog. I'm so used. Like in the last year, do you know how many needles I got? And I'm gonna tell you the worst needle you could get. The diabetic needle when they fuck up my fingerprints, when they come in every hour on the hour in the hospital.

[B]

You don't like those?

[A]

No. That hurts more than anything. Like, I got more of a chance of fainting from that than fainting from a fucking bloodshot.

[B]

I don't like the dentist one, the novocaine. That shit hurts.

[A]

All that shit hurt, dog. Let me tell you something, guys. The shot that nearly killed me was last Tuesday. I don't even know how I made it up here that night. I'm not gonna lie to none of you. I'm not gonna lie to none of you motherfuckers. I told you guys when I was here that there was, like, taking fluid out of your knee. Hey, there's a part of my knee that you just touch it and it feels like your leg wants to go up. You know how you have that little hammer? Your leg goes up when you're a kid and you bang it for hours and it don't go up. The doctor comes in, bangs it, and next thing you're like a fucking. You know. What was I talking about?

[B]

The worst shot?

[A]

The worst shot was that nerve thing last week. And what. How.

[B]

What did they do?

[A]

They shot me first. They rub liquid cocaine on it. That does nothing. You know, it's like rubbing the shit for your gums. All the other shit that they sell to you as kids in the tube. Bry, Cane something. Cane. Loadocaine or something like that.

[B]

Yeah, Lidocaine.

[A]

You could buy. This is the fucking cvs. You could buy it. It's over the counter. I remember when we were kids, I used to take coke cut and pour that shit on it and put it in the refrigerator and try to freeze it. And I sold it like two times and I got busted.

[B]

Wait, did you say you just put liquid cocaine on cold cuts?

[A]

No, no, no, I took cut cocaine. Cut inositol.

[B]

I thought you put it on fucking. A slice of ham or something.

[A]

And I put it in aluminum foil and I would take that stuff for your toothpaste. I figured this out when I was like 15. Like, you know, like, I'm a fucking idiot. And you would put the thing in, you'd have to have like a gram. Like, I did it with a half gram first and it dissolved. You gotta have like a gram and a half of cut. And you put that shit on and put it in the refrigerator and the powder comes out kind of cold. And people like, man, this when they taste.

[B]

Tastes like coke.

[A]

It numbs them. Oh, I'm getting nummies. Give me 15 bucks. 50 bucks for that. You get nummies all night. That's as far as it goes.

[B]

For the first time, I got offered coke this week. Like, someone pulled it out at a comedy club. Like, so. Like someone who was at the show. Like, I was talking about edibles. And after the show, she pulled like a little blue baggie. And I thought, like, because she was talking about a lot of other drugs and she was talking about Molly and this and that, I was like, okay, well, I wasn't gonna do it, but she was like. She was weird about. It's like, come here, I want to show you. And it was like a little tiny baggie. Meanwhile, she was talking to me about her kids, like, 10 minutes earlier. Dude, that's like. It was only the second time. I've had to turn it down once in LA and once here. I'm so surprised.

[A]

People check one of the licky balls. You do two lines. You get very sensitive. They start rubbing you. And you tell her, you take that Jewish hammer out and you put a little coke rock right in the pee hole and let us suck.

[B]

Yeah, sure, that sounds exactly like something. I'm gonna put it in the pee hole.

[A]

They take their little tongue and they bop it with the pee hole. Like, it's like George Washington's cannon. They push into your fucking.

[B]

Dude, it's so cold. I haven't seen my B hole in two weeks.

[A]

Oh, my God, you're missing. And then they get all coked up and numb. Then you sprinkle some on your nutsack and they go, if they're numb, why would I. Your nutsack gets a little numb, but not as numb as their mouth and their fucking head. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

Holy. People are crazy. None of that sounds like fun. Anyone describes coke. Like, you get numb, you get itchy and stuff moves real fast.

[A]

You get itchy. If you have a previous rash, which you do. You know what I'm saying? You do a line of coke, it brings all the rashes out. All of a sudden, you start sponsor back. Yeah.

[B]

Oh, my God. But that was fun on Saturday. Thank you for having me in Staten Island.

[A]

Ultra fun. That was ultra fun. And let me tell you something. You know, when you walk into my jiu jitsu thing, it says this, and I don't want nobody to take it wrong. It says, all battles are won and fought, fought and won before they even fight. Think about that. That all battles are wonderful without even throwing a fucking punch sometimes. And that's how I felt Saturday.

[B]

Why?

[A]

Because it took me five years to go back to storytelling again. I got confused. I smoked a joint and I thought it was John Mulaney. I'm not a joke writer. I'm not a joke writer. I'm the type of guy that takes a situation. It could be horrible. Listen, I just saw a guy get hit in the head with a rock. His head exploded. There's a way of saying it that people like. Okay, that dude. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. So I felt really good about that. It's like. I can't describe it. Like, it took me a long time to wake up and it was the open mic last Thursday at the dojo.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Or last Wednesday, or whatever it was. I went up there and I had one joke to try.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

That's it. No more of this bullshit. Oh, let's try. Let's just stay on one joke and take it from there. With eyeballs watching you. I like that. With an eyeball watching you. Yeah. Yeah. With, you know, whether it was 25 people. That's 50 eyeballs watching you. That's worse than three guns. Okay? You know what I'm saying? You look out and you see three guns pointing at you. I'd rather have 50 eyeballs staring you fucking down. Like, wait, they're waiting fucking you to make me laugh. So I did that. And in the meantime, I just went into something. Can't even tell you what it was. I forget what it was.

[B]

I'm trying to remember.

[A]

Were you there?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, and then I don't remember. The next day I was talking to Becky and she said, yeah, I liked where you went with that. And then Mike called me in the dojo, okay? And he goes, listen, man, he goes, I'm always busy, so I never get a chance to walk in there. He goes, but I walked in there and was watching you. And you had me because it wasn't a lot of laughs, but I caught myself fucking just. You had me, yeah. He goes, have you considered doing that for a show? And I go, yeah, you did it.

[B]

For years in la.

[A]

I did it for years. I go, so now I got a revision. I was always concerned of. Listen, man, people are fucking working. They're 70 now. 65 is just a fucking number. Now you're 70 and you have to get yourself ready for this shit. People are working till they're 70. You know what? Listen, let's be honest. I don't even want to get on a plane to go to fucking Connecticut, okay? Every once in a while I got a wild bug in my ass, hey, let's take a flight to Texas or something. But any farther than that, I don't want to go. Like, I can't. I don't have the cardio for five hours flights now. I would die. I don't know. You have to develop those. You have to do a couple three hour ones, a couple of four hour ones, then you blast off to Los Angeles.

[B]

You need to have cardio to sit.

[A]

Yeah, just that.

[B]

Well, you do walk around a lot.

[A]

Not to sit. Just that. Six and a half hours. It's a lot when you haven't done it in a while.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So, you know, let's be honest with ourselves. I'll take that fucking book and I'll add chapters to it of what happens as I moved here. And I'll go to Count Basie Theater on Tuesday nights and start doing a fucking workshop, okay? 10 bucks to get in. I don't even give a fuck if you pay. I'm not looking to make money. I'm looking to make money for the writers. And you do this so you get a big broad, people come in and then listen. You want to give notes, be my guest. Because you might not know me or you might not be a writer, but you Go, bro. I heard this story before. You got to say this. God damn it. You.

[B]

Isn't that what Ari did with his juice special? Yeah, like he did like a Q and A after you. Because you never. One of my. One of my better new jokes is because I was on the road with Josh and after he asked me, like I had one. A joke from one point of view. He's like, what about this point of view? Another. Oh, shit. I didn't even think about that. So it's good. I'd love to get notes from people.

[A]

So it's kind of weird that I would. I would do that every two. I'd rather take a long time with it. I'm no rush. Yeah, I'm in no rush. This is good for my mind to keep me occupied. Write it. Do it in account basie. And get some dates in the city, off Broadway. Do three or four shows off Broadway and take it from there. If a fucking club wants to hire me to come in once a month to Casino, I'll do it there. I still got the option to do standup. Or they just do a one man show. And I'm old enough I could sell a one man show now.

[B]

Plus your one man show is gonna have elements of standup in it. You're gonna make it funny.

[A]

Come on. That's the least of my problems.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

That's what I'm saying to you. When I sit there at night and I try to write a joke. Yeah, I have a good time. But you know what? It's better if I tell a story and color it and it becomes personalized after a while. Your comedy has to become personalized to go over a hump. And it takes such a long time. Cause people don't wanna talk about themselves, right?

[B]

It's hard.

[A]

People don't wanna say, hey, in the third grade, I got fucked in the ass. It's very rough for a person to say that. It's very rough for a person to say that, hey, this happened to me. But if you go in there with a twist and learn how to really twist it. Because when you give them the initial, hey, I got raped in the fourth grade. Yeah, exactly. You're gonna fucking, your jaw's gonna drop like us, we're gonna laugh. But other people, civilians, they're gonna go, oh my God, what is shit? Before they even get to that thought, you gotta attack that before you get them there to say, like, whenever I tell a story about my mother dying, it's over. It's over.

[B]

It has to be the closer.

[A]

35 years of comedy. Can't get me out of that hole. Cannot get you out of that hole. I'm not even gonna tell that story. That's evolved. Fuck her. You've been dead for 50 years. A lot has happened. You wanna know, you should have been here. You know what I'm saying? So it's the fucking truth. I mean, that's my next option. But Staten island, that morning I just felt good. Listen, some people get their dicks off by going to a big theater here and a big theater there and telling people in a fucking great city, like going, oh, no, we're going to the Dallas theater of the arts. Listen, I had more fun on staten island than I've had in any room in the last 10 years. The only room that was more fun than that was Philly. When I first used to go to Philly and was a little younger and buckwild, Philly was just like them. And listen, I do a residency in Philly. Don't make me do a residency up in Staten is because they're my knuckleheads. I'm a knucklehead, man, and I know it. I fucking know it. You hear me talking stupidity? I'm a fucking knucklehead. But half of Staten island are knuckleheads.

[B]

I think it might be more than half.

[A]

I'm their fearless leader. I'm their fearless leader.

[B]

Yeah, for sure.

[A]

So it's like, you gotta play what? Somebody will go, oh, no, I'm gonna do my show in Louisville, Kentucky. These are your people. They're gonna take the ride with you. Yeah, you're gonna say that you robbed something and all them are gonna understand what I'm talking about because somebody in Staten Island's uncle robbed something at one time. Yeah, I mean, if you noticed, you could either make the left to go down to St. George Theater or you can make a right. Where's the right lead you to? Tot fucking hill. That's where Paul Castellano lived, right up that thing. His house just sold for 10 million in Staten Island. Jesus, that was all mafiaville up there. All those bodies are there if you're missing since 1950. You're in Staten island, dog. Yeah, you could smell it when you fucking drive over sometimes. Yeah, but I don't give a fuck. It doesn't fucking matter.

[B]

No, they were great.

[A]

The people were fucking real, man.

[B]

Yeah, they were wild, but they were.

[A]

Great wild and what the fuck do you want? You want to fucking. What is the Barbra streisor concert where they all sit there and they all look in their expensive clothing. I don't want that. No, I just told you guys. I turned the nickel. I've had it. I've had it. To what anything has become. Everything has become a. Look at me. You know, you cannot watch a fucking Nick game without getting aggravated. I'd rather watch the Dallas Mavericks at home or Philly at home. I grew up in that fucking place. Every time I turn on to watch a Nick game, it's all about the fucking poor. The rich people. They don't give a. About the. You know what celebrity. At halftime, they got a fat black chick singing, come on, guy. Come on, guy.

[B]

No, I. I was. I looked to go to that game, the. The Lakers game yesterday, whatever day it was.

[A]

Come on.

[B]

The minimum, lowest take was 4 something. I was like, no, thanks. I can't. I don't know. I'll stay home.

[A]

It's. It's gotten to the point where, you know, some people like that shit. I don't fucking wanna see that. I wanna see regular. Their fans belong in those seats. It's like George was talking about Yankee games that. You know, all those expensive seats, all Citibank and EF Hutton and all that shit. And you know when you watch a Yankee game on tv, you could tell they're just sitting there. Look at me. I'm in vip, bitch. Show me the old Yankee Stadium when you used to step on fucking Craig Biles in 93. I went to Yankee Stadium. I stepped on a crackpile, motherfucker. Okay? Don't fucking tell me. And I'd rather step in that crack pile than be with these people, than be with a bunch of people. If you say something, they all look at you. You suck. Get the fuck out of here. You belong at a buffet. You belong at. No. What's that shit that they talk about? A brunch. That's where you belong, with your little wine. Nobody can assault you. A little mimosa. Come on, man. The first ten rows of Yankee Stadium should be for bums. I want my team to walk out and intimidate them. I want to look up and not see pretty people. I want to see the worst of the worst from Brooklyn and the Bronx. Put a halfway house in there with Italians and Negroes, you know what I'm saying? And just stare down the picture.

[B]

See how much they'll fucking win, Ciccarelli.

[A]

See how much they'll fucking win. But, you know, it's like. I didn't watch the Grammys. No. I could have told you what they were gonna be about. I'm gonna tell you what they were gonna be about. And here's the funny thing about the Grammys. They've added so much color to it. You know, rap music, the award and all that stuff. You and I both know that one of those black guys got out there last night. That dude with the hat, some black guy that was on the floor dead. You know, half of those white people going, these fucking Negroes are ruining the Grammys. You know it. I don't even need to be there. I don't even need to be there. That's how that critical thinking is. That's how it works in la. Oh my God, it was so artistic. No, it wasn't. Yeah, no, it wasn't. Stop it. They were jumping up and down like fucking, you know. Anyway, I'm not here to say nothing bad. I mean, but it's like what has happened to everything? Like fucking everything.

[B]

People are. They feel like they have to go or like it's like, like it's a status thing to go. But like, you know, there was none of that in Staten Island. Like the front row is going crazy at the top was going crazy.

[A]

What have you paid? 428 yesterday. And that's a medium range ticket somewhere.

[B]

You know, how should you get front row for $400?

[A]

You're sitting with people that have Knicks gear on that they've had for 20 years, 20 for. They're going in there with colors that you've never seen and all that stuff. When you go to the front row, it's people that bought gear on the way to the nick.

[B]

It still has the tags on it.

[A]

Still got the tags. Because God forbid some of those people got to return that shit to make ends meet. That's the truth. That's the truth. Half those shirts and those hats were picked up on the way in to a Knicks thing and they threw it over their clothes and now they're part of the Knicks. Oh my God, this is so exciting. Now I had to go home and tell people I was in a Knick game. Tell me how many points Jalen Rose had or Jalen whatever, his fucking Brunson. Tell me how many points Luka had. You don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about. But I know there's this 12 year old kid in my neighborhood that he would have died to be at that game. He would have gave his hand. But you, you fucking cocksucker with your fucking celebrity bullshit, you go in there with your Yankee hat and your Nick shirt And, you know, you make believe you're a fan or whatever and really at the end of the game you feel empty. Why do you think I don't go to half of these games? Because I don't have any interest in them. I have no interest in them as a team. I like football, I like basketball, I like baseball. But I'm not gonna go see a team that I really don't like unless they're playing somebody I really like. And I save 500 on the ticket. That's why you go there. You don't go to Yankee Stadium. I mean, yeah, you go to Yankee Stadium to watch the Red Sox. Because the Red Sox in Boston with the Yankees, they pretty much rape you. I heard.

[B]

I got it.

[A]

So you go down to Baltimore to watch the Yankees.

[B]

Yeah, you could do that.

[A]

Baltimore to watch the Yankees.

[B]

But, yeah, it's crazy. And even, like, the people are terrible. Like, have you ever seen, like, when they're, like the players are throwing the balls to the kids and, like, an adult will go in and grab it from them. It's like, are you see. What kind of terrible, awful person are you?

[A]

Yeah, Baltimore. And I'm not, you know, I'm just saying that I go to a Philly game, man, and I feel at home. I don't gotta flex. I don't have to sit in the front and make believe I'm a big fan. Yeah. High five. You're a grown man. Sit the fuck down. High fiving like a pussy. You haven't done dick. You've never shot a ball since the seventh fucking grade. And now you're here high fiving your fag friend. Another one who's hiding behind a fucking veil of tears, you know?

[B]

Will you make a sign?

[A]

Who? You? Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna make a sign. Yeah. I love the net. Get the fuck out of here, Lee. I'm going to a bet game. I'm going to a net game. I still remember, though, the Nets were giving Philadelphia 76ers 4 1/2 points. You remember the line? Oh, yeah. Because I lost a lot of fucking money. It was a 50 timer, which is $250 if you win, 275 if you lose me, your Uncle James and Mike Rooney. I'll never forget. It was traumatizing. We went to Philly to pick up, get paid. We were going to Brendan Byrne Arena, Albert King. We were there and we had tickets on the sixes side. And the whole game, like, I loved Julius Irving, but I wasn't saying nothing nice to him. I was like, doc, four and a half. We got you big. You know what I'm saying? And I would bring people down and tell this mother, Doc, Doc, he kept looking at me like, what are you talking. Doc, what the fuck? Four and a half. We got a cover. We got. Doc, we love you. Fuck you. You got a cover? Yeah, yeah, four. I'm throwing his finger. You thought I was a crip in 80 fucking 5. Throwing gang signals up at that motherfucker. 4, 4, 4, 4. Motherfucker. The fuck out of here. I went with a hat that said four and a half on it.

[B]

I think they do. I bet they do. If I were a player now, I'd like look up, see what the line was. And if a guy was pissing me off, I'd fuck up the line.

[A]

I don't know what the line is. Since 1929, they know what this the line is, of course. And they'll say it after the game. I knew we were big underdogs. Yeah, because you looked at the fucking line, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Your coach ain't gonna tell you that to break your spirit. Can you imagine you're 35 point underdog, huh? Why are we coming here? You know what I'm saying? Why am I coming here? Joey, we're gonna lose by 35 and a half. Nah, nah, nah, nah. The man, we're going to cover him.

[B]

Fuck yeah.

[A]

You know, so it's, it's, it's great.

[B]

It is when I do. Speaking of gambling on sports, have you put your super bowl bets in yet? Dude, I'm fucking sweating like a fucking pig right now because I've had bets since November on the Patriots to win. And now like, I almost wish they had lost earlier because now I have to sit here and every fucking second until Sunday and I don't think they're going to win, which sucks. I think Seattle's a much better team.

[A]

Already put the bet in. You know, there's nothing you could do now. You want to take the small 500?

[B]

No, they took it away. They took the cash out away. I'll have to check and see if.

[A]

I can get it again. I'll give you a little window now. Now you're done now. Now you got to pay 500 to get 500. Follow me. Listen, it's at the end of the day, it's just a fucking game. And it's not like you're not going to be able to pay rent, your car payment.

[B]

No, I'm not. I'm fine. I'm excited about it.

[A]

If you would have put that bet in. It would have all been based on, you know, my car's getting paid on the 15th. Like, all that money I'm going to win is paying for my dental, my car payment, gasoline. I want to buy my daughter a little flower at the chichi place, whatever the it is.

[B]

Dude, I. Every time I have any money coming and I spend it 800 ways, I'm like, all right, this will pay for this and this and this. But meanwhile, it's like a hundred bucks. And I've spent it 600 times.

[A]

Well, that's the math. I, I know that's the math in your head. You're not getting money going, oh, I'm gonna go buy an eight ball. Well, I used to, but now I don't.

[B]

No, no, but I.

[A]

You're supposed to be spending, and when you spend, you're like, I gotta bring. Make that up. I just spent this. I gotta make that shit up quickly.

[B]

Yeah. And like, it's to taxes time now. And you look and see what you had at the beginning of the year. And now it's like, oh, God.

[A]

And that shit gets low.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, April, you're like, all right, it's over now. And it breaks your heart to write that check. Yes, it is. It really does. I lived in California. She would show me that check and I'd go, are you serious, man? You never worry about taxes. You got to pay them.

[B]

Yeah, that sucks.

[A]

As you're growing up, people talk to you about taxes. You're like, what are they talking about? Are these idiots talking about.

[B]

No, it's, it's great when you have a regular job. You gotta. You might get a refund back. That's the best. That's like that. You just, you can't wait for April 15th. It's all, it's all the self employed people now.

[A]

You don't have to wait till April 15, dog. You go right to fucking whatever and they'll give you an advance.

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

They keep like 40 bucks and they'll give you a money.

[B]

Oh, dude, I don't pay my taxes until the day it's due.

[A]

No, because you're paying.

[B]

Right, Exactly.

[A]

But if you were getting a check back, forget about it.

[B]

You just do that.

[A]

You'd be down on H and R block right now. What's for dinner? You know what I'm saying?

[B]

Oh, I would love to get a refund, but no. Saturday.

[A]

Saturday night was very interesting for me. You were great. Becky was great. They tried to rattle, okay, that little Chinese savage said, you. I'm not taking it. Yeah.

[B]

She did something I never would have done in a year and a half. She's like. She's like, you paid for your ticket, so. So sit down and shut the up. I'm like, oh, my God.

[A]

That. That's. She. She should have just. Bill Burden.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

She didn't really know. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. But, yeah, that was. That was a lot of fun. It was a. It was a great show.

[A]

I'm gonna tell you why I'm having a really good time and this. Let's get this out of the way. You know, I've been out of this scene. Not this scene, but I have been out of where I am, you know, for 15 years. You know, for 12 years, I was at this place where I was always doing comedy with people who were better than me or had more credits than I did, which never bothered me because I always went for the funny. But when I moved here and after being burnt out and I moved here and I was like. The last three or four months, going to the dojo on Wednesdays has been my therapy. Not because of my set, but because you're talking comedy with people who are younger than you. If I walk into a bar right now, any bar, Rudy's, Osteria Social, Madison. Madison Social, whatever the fuck they call it. I walk up to a bar right now, I got a fucking margarita, right? And I turn to a woman, and she's obviously gonna be 30 years younger than me, maybe 25, okay? And I'm gonna turn to her and go, how's your evening going? And she's gonna go, drop dead, old man. Or she's gonna go, pretty good. And you just start talking to them after eight or nine minutes, people are gonna look at you. They're gonna look at fucking grandpa talking to the young girl or whatever. And you feel a little weird. When I'm talking with Becky and the other girl who was there last Wednesday, or those guys that are in their 30s, I don't feel that way. When I talk to a comedian, a comedian, a female. They could be any age. And there's really no blockage. Unless I'm hitting on her, of course. And what's that gonna do? That's a small space. You're not gonna go nowhere by hitting on her. So when you talk to them, it's a lot different than talking to a woman at a bar or at cvs. When I bump into you at shoprite or wherever the fuck supermarket, wherever you bump into women. So it made it A lot easier for me. Like, for a long time I was struggling. Since I moved back here, there was something missing from my life. And it was comedian females, you know, listen, whatever's going on with them, I love Ali Wong. I came up with Ali. I came up with Whitney Cummings. Fucking Eliza Schlesinger. I love, you know, Eleanor. I loved Annie, Letterman, the two crazies in Texas, Kim, Condom and Princess Shank. Then my heart. The fucking. The father sentenced O.J. to life.

[B]

Rachel Wolfstein.

[A]

Rachel Wolfstein. That's my niece that's almost blood. I could talk to those girls. Like, I see them and it's like, no big deal. They're like. So I still had that in my mind that I could be like that with regular women. You can't. They don't have that understanding like that. No.

[B]

Because comics can say wild. You can ask Kim Congdon about the time the guy grabbed her pussy and she kicked him in the head and she'll laugh about it. And if you said that to any. A woman at Rudy's, they call the cops on you.

[A]

That's true, too. But it's kind of weird that that's the problem I was having. I was struggling with that and didn't even know it. And once I started going to the dojo, and Becky and even the waitress at the dojo.

[B]

Yeah, she's great.

[A]

She's there every Wednesday since we. What's her name?

[B]

Gianna.

[A]

Gianna. Gianna. She's been there every Wednesday, so she's part of our little fucking. She don't even get dressed up for us no more. You know what I'm saying? Usually girls do up their hair on Wednesdays. She said, fuck these bugs.

[B]

No, she's busy beating people up in this dojo. She yells at the other servers at this. At the people. She's great.

[A]

She's.

[B]

And, yeah, and she, like, handles it like she has a few, like, underlings. That sounds bad. But she has a few, like, servers under her. But then, like, she's like. She, like, handles the entire place and she's, like, shorter than me. I think she's 4 foot 8. Oh, yeah.

[A]

She's young, too.

[B]

And I think. I think her dad is one of the owners or something.

[A]

Very sweet. Yeah, very sweet. Knowledgeable, hands on. Always ask you if you want water or something. But why do you think I feel. When I walk in there, I see her now and I'm like, what up, yo? You know, you start talking to him, there's no thought of anything else?

[B]

No.

[A]

Like, there's no thought of anything else.

[B]

Why do you think you. You missed having. Because if you're around male comics, like, what's the difference with a female comic?

[A]

I was around Felicia for a long time, okay? Before that, it was Marilyn Martinez.

[B]

Yeah. Usually defeated.

[A]

All these women are fucking 100% married. And here I am in a car with them, driving at three in the morning. I'm like, what the fuck? But then again. Or sometimes I'd be with Marilyn and Dave in the car. God rest both their souls. I'd be in the car, they'd be arguing. Me and Dave be popping pain pills, smoking dope, telling me about the Crips and the Bloods in 1978, you know, and he never like. I slept in a bed with Marilyn in Texas one time. She was scared of the drug dealers, the cartel. So she's like, joey, I'm sleeping with you. I'm like, what am I gonna do with a 400 pound woman on my fucking bed? You know what I'm saying? But it was great. We had a great night. We giggled.

[B]

That's funny.

[A]

Nobody thought about Dog. I remember being in El Paso. No, what's the other place in Arizona? Not Tempe. Down.

[B]

God damn it. Scottsdale.

[A]

No, Universe. Arizona State is in Tempe, but the University of Arizona is in that other place. No, down. All the way down. It doesn't. It doesn't really matter. But I still remember that town was a nightmare. Like, we used to do comedy at a place called Bugsy's. Albuquerque.

[B]

Oh, that's New Mexico.

[A]

New Mexico. I'm sorry. Was it Albuquerque? Who cares? And I was doing County, a place on Tuesday, it was called Bugsy's, and it was a drug element. And then they put us at a hotel, the same hotel. And it was a crack hotel at the time. And after, you know, when you went there every 90 days. Cause it was a weekly show, but Rudy would put you on a lineup. And every 90 days, every hotel room, you could tell they kicked it in. Oh, my God. You know, when you go to open the door, the door goes back and stuff, you know? And I remember being in there one night with a beautiful black girl I just seen. I forget her name. She had a child, she was divorced. And, you know, she just didn't like sleeping at this hotel room, bro. She kept calling me all night, like, what's going on up there? Do you hear that scream? And I'm like, no, I don't hear nothing. No, you didn't.

[B]

You definitely said, oh, I heard.

[A]

No, no, I'M not saying you're trying.

[B]

To get in bed with her. I'm saying just to fuck with her.

[A]

She was very sweet. I forgot if it was me, that's what she would have in the game. She's still doing great. She writes for somebody big. But she called me and she goes, listen, Joey, I hope you don't take this wrong. I'll be over there in like three minutes. And I was like, what the fuck? And she came over with all her clothes, and she's like, I can't do it. I gotta sleep with you in the bed. My husband knows and my boyfriend knows I'm here with you. And it was like. It was like two newlyweds that didn't have sex. We just talked all night about comedy. That's it.

[B]

Yeah, it's fun. It's fun going, like, just doing shows with other comics. Like, it's. I thought the dojo has been great for you. Has. Has any of this made you want to go into the city or you still are like, I might make an.

[A]

Appearance at the city this week.

[B]

There you go.

[A]

Yeah, it's a surprise attack.

[B]

That's awesome. You need.

[A]

There's no dojo this week. So I was like, what am I going to do this week? So I reached out. There's a couple open mics. There's one in Hoboken. I go do. There's one tomorrow. Tonight in my neighborhood. I go do. Just to do 10 minutes, just to stay. Not even relevant. Just to. Yeah, keep my mind cooking, you know?

[B]

Yeah, but you might do the city something.

[A]

Yeah, I might do the city this week.

[B]

That'd be fun.

[A]

Surprise somebody on their show and surprise the whole establishment because they tried to pull me in there with every other person that I would never respond to this girl. I'll do anything for her. You know what I'm saying? I'll light a house on fire for her.

[B]

That's awesome.

[A]

She's 18. I know her father, you know, so I'll do anything for her. So I saw she has a show in the city. She's asked me before, and I'm just gonna drop in.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

10 minutes, get the fuck out of there. Get a hot dog. Get a halal meat fucking chicken stick.

[B]

You know what I'm saying?

[A]

Let's take a breather real quick to talk about DraftKings. We got a Super bowl coming up. We got a big week coming up. We got college basketball. We'll be right back. Give us two minutes. Hey, Uncle Joey here. And am I excited. You know, why because it's super bowl time, you savages. DraftKingsportsbook, an official sports betting partner of Super Bowl 6ft put you in the center of the biggest game of the year. And you know me, anything can happen during the Super Bowl. DraftKings has your back with the early exit. Let's say a player goes down the first half, you still get paid out in cash immediately once your bet settles. No bonus bets, no waiting. Now, if you're new to DraftKings, new customers can bet $5 and get 300 in bonus bets if your bet wins. Who's better than you? That's $5 to win $300 bonus bets if your bet wins. You're going to start off by downloading the DraftKings SportBook app and pressing code Joey J O E Y that's code Joey J O E Y to turn a fin $5 into 300 in bonus bets if your bet wins. In partnership with DraftKings. And I love these guys and I love DraftKings for one specific reason. Because the crown is yours, jack. Download the DraftKings sportsbook app and let's make this weekend be the best weekend for you in years. See ya. Anyway, I ain't even going to say the teams gambling problem. Call 1-800-GAMBLER NEW YORK Call 877-8-HOPE and wire text hope and why Connecticut? Call 888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org on behalf of Boot Hill Casino in Kansas. Wager tax pass through May apply in Illinois 21 and over in most states. Void in Ontario. Restrictions apply. Bet must win to receive bonus bets which expire in seven days. Minimum odds required for additional terms and responsible gaming requests resources see DKNG CO Audio Limited time offer hey Uncle Joey, I want to talk to you about something. Listen, hangovers are for little kids. Party like an animal and wake up refreshed with nowadays Nowadays is a zero proof THC infused beverage. Listen, it's clean. It's a balanced buzz with no hangover, no regrets. Me, I love my little Nowadays you wake up in the morning, you pop one tip top Magoo. The taste is sensational whatever the occasion. Nowadays as you covet sip on a canned tac cocktail or take a high dose shot and see the devil within minutes. Nowadays even has a limited edition lemonade to get you in the mood for summer. You follow me. You drink two shots of this, it's summer, you'll start sweating. Anyway. Visit trynowadays.com Diaz again trynowadays.com Diaz to get 30% off your order. That's trynowadays.com Diaz or press in code Diaz at checkout. It's that easy. Use the store locator to find nowadays near you. And remember, drink responsibly. You gotta be 21 over. If you're 18, take a hike. Go fix your skateboard. We're back, Jack. You know, I was watching Rocky. Rocky's always on, you know, and maybe a month ago was one of those marathons where, you know, Mickey was still alive, okay? And it was a commerce. I walked in on it. Like I left the TV on watching Rocky 1. And when I came back, Rocky 8 was on, whatever. It was one of them with Mickey. Never forget Mickey saying something and it fucking. You know, this is a stupid movie, but Mickey said something to Rocky about not the first one. When I have all this knowledge and you need a manager, here's what he said. I'll never forget this. I'm not saying it verbatim because I don't know. I'm just telling you what he said in the thing. He goes, when you get to a part in your life that you've done something for so long and people around you start dropping, you know, dying, you start losing things in your life. He goes, what's going to bring you back? Is that thing you did for 35 or 40 all your life to share it with people. Or better yet, sometimes you meet people who are younger, doing what you did for that time, and while you being around them and cheering for them, it keeps you alive. He said that to Rocky one time by me coming here and being involved with you. This is why I'm alive. I'm not alive because I do jumping jacks. Cause you could do all the jumping Jackson world, be dead inside.

[B]

You have no purpose.

[A]

You have no purpose. Ever since I've gone to the dojo, I've gotten a purpose. One kid always asks me something every week. Something that they want to ask somebody.

[B]

Well, dude, not only are you from their area, which is probably the biggest thing, but. And this, the dojo is great. And there's a lot of great comics who go there, but they don't usually go to the showcase night or hang around or, like, are available to talk to, like for open mic. I still go to open mics for an open mic. Or just randomly see Joey Diaz at the show they're on one day. Like, their heads explode on the inside.

[A]

But it shouldn't.

[B]

Well, yeah, but it should. The biggest comic they're usually seeing is the guy who features like, the feature who got, like, his first spot from the open mics is, like, the biggest comics they've ever seen. And then you've been on Netflix, and it's just like, damn. It's because it's still. To me, it's pretty crazy.

[A]

I don't judge it because, first of all, I don't judge it because I've been on Netflix. I could care less about Netflix, you know? Yeah.

[B]

But it's a lot.

[A]

But you.

[B]

You can say that because you've been, like, been on. Yeah. Most of these guys will be lucky to have a YouTube special, but if I.

[A]

But even that. You don't define your comedy career by special. You don't define. I mean, I don't. And I never went into it looking like that. That I can't wait to have 13 specials because I always knew my limits and. And what I'm good and I'm bad at. I don't like to say the same shit every night. I don't like you to tell me what the fuck to say either, you know, if you're on a roll about something, run with it, bitch. Well, that wasn't in the settler. Listen, who care? What was a little risque, you know, that was never for me.

[B]

No.

[A]

I judged things on what I judged Saturday night on and what I judge for a lot of day alone. That's where I judge things when it's. You know, like I told Becky, it's not two years of experience or nine years of experience. This is 35 years of experience now. Yeah. I should not be making mistakes. This is like the Godfather now. Women and children make mistakes. You don't make mistakes at that center of that. But I learned by talking to you guys. You understand me? I learned, man. I learned because it brings things up again. I hear those kids talking in between themselves. You don't think I'm listening, but I'm listening. And they're talking about the same shit I was talking about 30 years ago, man. Can't wait to do this. I can't.

[B]

You know, the booker won't call me back here.

[A]

The booker won't call me back. That motherfucker. I painted his house. You know, it's always something, and that's interesting to me because they don't think they're learning. They're learning. I didn't think I was learning something. I was driving 12 hours to Idaho and dealing with, you know, this. I didn't think I was learning anything. I was learning a lot more than what I thought. And I'm Listening to them, and I giggle. Inside, I go, these fucking idiots. That was me. I wish I could explain it to them, but they'll never believe me. They just see the finished product. Yeah, they just see the finished product. I'm trying to tell them that I fucking hold that part of my life dearly. 1995. 96. That was me. Bare bones. That's not Joey Diaz 2.0. That's not Coco 2.0. This is bare bones that you have to drive around with stuff to put in your radiator to fill the holes because you know it's going to blow. At one point, you hear that whistle and the water squirting out. I'm ready. You let the thing cool, you fill it up with water, and you throw all those pills in and you lock it and you hear, that'll get you another 200 miles. You know, I wouldn't have known that, right? Right there, I learned something. If I learned anything about comedy. And now cars don't have radiators. Correct? So, nah, they don't have radiators no more.

[B]

I have no idea what the point.

[A]

Is if they don't. I'm sitting there because they think they're getting beat up, but little do they know, they're learning about life. They're learning about bookers, they're learning about how people work, how when people have power over you, they could treat you however you want, and since you're a comic, you'll accept it. They don't know that if I come up to Lee and he's an open mic and I go, hey, Lee, get out of here. You suck. And Lee comes back and knocks me the fuck out. That Lee's gonna get spots all over town instead of him taking it from me. I've been on Netflix, okay? I was on the Joe Rogan Experience. Well, you know those guys. I don't give a fuck about Joe Rogan Experience on Netflix. I give a fuck about the time that you put in there.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So what? They didn't know that. I've realized, because for years, I was a coward, too. I was a tiny boy. But a booker tells you jump and dance, you jump and dance. Yeah, you want to make it? You want to make it, you know, you want to go from $50 to 75? Bro, I got paid $75 last time. Because for years, your friends will ask you, how much you get paid for that gig? Nothing. Yeah, zero. Nothing. What are you, a mook? You're a fucking asshole. Didn't your mother raise you better? And they don't understand. Nobody understands that racket. And that's the racket that the world's becoming. Now, you're gonna have to audition for your fucking work pretty soon, you know? And that's it. You're a framer. Frame 10 pictures in two hours. If not, don't bother. You said you're a framer. You said you paint. Yeah, 30 years. I got my own company. Paint this motherfucker in two days. Let's see how good you are. And that's very seldom that you do that in life. So this is a different education. This is building your bones up and your balls and your skin. This is building. Getting you ready for what is Los Angeles. Oh, my God, we love the material you did about the Lizard. So brilliant. And then two weeks later, that joke is so hacked. And what'd you tell me it was so good for? In front of your white buddies with the feather in his hat for, right? So all that shit early on that these bookers don't call you back. And, you know, all of a sudden, the best is when you don't. He won't return your call, and they treat you like shit. And you come to me one night, we're talking, I'm like, listen, I'm doing this gig. That guy don't like me. What do you mean? He won't book me. You're coming with me. And now you walk in there with me and watch that motherfucker's face turn purple.

[B]

You want a ginger ale?

[A]

How do you know him? He's my buddy. I've been known him for 20 fucking years. I'm not gonna tell him that he mistreated you. Yeah, I'm not gonna tell him that. I'm gonna play it like nothing happened. But he knows why I'm here. Yeah. You fucking suck of shit. You fucking sack of shit.

[B]

Oh, that's like. Probably like, I don't. I'd love to have a special someday. What I'm looking forward to is being able to walk up to the. Any. Any. That's my dream. To be able to. Not even in a bad way, but just go to any club and be like, I want to do a set. And like, okay.

[A]

It's like when I walked into that Theo place. And again.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

I don't walk on this shit. That's my brother. He'll tell you. I don't play on this shit. But you know what, man? Again, I was telling you last week that I owe it to myself that every once in a while you gotta take care of yourself. You know, it's like George right now, something happens tomorrow and he gets a call that, you know, he has to get a job. And he goes to New York City, the hub of that shit, okay, goes into the Village and he goes and he applies for a job. He's gonna work for a guy that's never framed before, that took art in college. And this guy's gonna give him fucking orders. How long do you think he could take those orders for?

[B]

4 hours?

[A]

Because at the end of the day, I have to look at you at this point in my life and go, who the fuck are you? Yeah. Like, why are you telling me how to do this job? Like, when I walked into Theo's thing, I could tell they were all amateurs. Come on, follow us. This don't work that way. Go away. Let the man air out. Let him take his jacket off, let him shake his dick in the toilet. Let him wash his hands, let him take a sip of fucking water. But right there, I know I'm dealing with amateur. Bill, Joey, come this way. We got a cabinet for you. We got this. We'll be back in five minutes. Like that.

[B]

You ever remember, do you ever get a brand new teacher when you were like, in middle school or high school and they were assholes?

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Meanwhile, the six year old guy is like, awesome. And yeah, because they get. They're nervous. Like, they feel like they have to prove that they have control.

[A]

It's. It's very weird when I walk into a place now somebody's going to tell me my fucking job. I don't. I don't even want to stop and talk to you. Like, I don't. I'll just walk right past you because. Stop, stop, stop. We've been doing this for a long time. We come in as a team now, and everybody's got their job. Everybody knows their job. We don't need you there. We don't need the comic that you love in the area that you. We need to put him up. No, we don't. Well, he needs to go up. Well, next time I come, he could go up. I ain't gonna be the next time, but do you know what I'm saying? You start. And it took me five years to grow balls in comedy. Took me five fucking years to tell a motherfucker to suck my dick. And there was that dude that called me and he threatened me. I'll never forget how I felt when he threatened me that day on the phone. And he's like, if you're not down here, you're gonna have a big fucking problem, okay? You're gonna get never work comedy again. You're never gonna work Texas, you're never going to work on improv, you're never going to do this, you're never going to do that. You'll never work for this comedy chain. And I'm sitting there taking this shit on the phone and I'm like, you know what? I get what you're saying. I'll be there. It was a two day drive. Two day fucking drive from Seattle to Santa Fe, New Mexico. Oh my God. Whatever the fuck he wanted me to go to for $125 a show.

[B]

Oh, so you're not even going to. You're going to lose money just driving there?

[A]

Yeah, forget the plane ticket. The plane ticket's a deuce, you know? And I'll never forget waiting there. I was in Seattle and I said, fuck this motherfucker. He knew, like at that time I was doing comedy six years, but I was one of his best comics.

[B]

Oh, geez.

[A]

Like, I was one of his best comics. Like he was co headlining me and shit. Wow. He's like, I already sold you to the people you have to be there for opening night. And I'm like, and that night I waited till 6 o', clock, I had my pager and he paged me like at 7:00 clock Seattle time, like, you know, question marks. And I called him back and he goes, where you at? I go, I'm pulling in right now. Where are you? Pulling into the hotel. You got me? All right, call me when you're there. I'll be there in 20 minutes. I'll be waiting for you. We're in a rush. I called him 20 minutes later, where you at? He goes, I'm in front of the hotel waiting for you, goddammit. Where are you? I go, I'm in Seattle, Washington, motherfucker. What? I go, I'm in Seattle, Washington. I didn't make the trek, as a matter of fact. Who the fuck do you think you are threatening me? You've never been a comic, you've been booking bands all your fucking life. How are you gonna call the improv and ban me? I know people.

[B]

I know.

[A]

He was just throwing names out there. You know what? Do yourself a favor. Go fuck yourself. I just hung up on that motherfucker and I'm like, all right, we're onto something now. You tell the motherfucker to go fuck. And yeah, for a minute you're like, man, I just killed myself. I'm never gonna Work again in three years from now. You're here. This guy's in real estate now. He bought a Laundromat. And you're like, what the fuck is wrong with me?

[B]

No.

[A]

They have this fake intimidation. I remember in San Francisco, I told you there was an open mic that the guy used to break my heart. You know, you drive up there on. There was an open mic, dog. I used to drive. Listen. I used to drive from Bolta, from Boulder to Kansas, every Sunday.

[B]

How long of a drive is that?

[A]

Nine hours.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

To do the open mic. Damn. And sometimes he picked you, and sometimes he didn't.

[B]

Nine hours each way or four and a half hours.

[A]

You don't feel like an idiot?

[B]

I can.

[A]

Yeah. The only thing I could be worse than that is going to a Yankee game, then losing 11 or nothing. And you got a shirt on. You got to drive the subway on the way home with your fucking Yankee shirt and your hat on. That's the only worst feeling to that. Okay. That you drove nine hours. You rented a hotel room. You can't even afford your rent. You had to borrow and scrape to get this hotel room for 19.95 with three of those little towels and people yelling all night long.

[B]

Holy shit.

[A]

You stand there, you're there at 7:30. You're nice to people. Hey, how you doing? All of a sudden, 10 o'. Clock. Well, that's our last comic and. Oh, I.

[B]

There's no. I didn't drive nine hours for nine hours. I never did that. I went to Burbank. There was a. They're called bucket open mics. When they put, like, your name in a bucket and people just pull your ticket out. There was a comic who got banned from the one in Burbank because he went. And they just had like, the roll of, like, red and blue tickets that they sell for the fair. He just went and bought a roll of them. Put like 80 of his.

[A]

You get creative and they can't handle it. Yeah. When you get creative as an open. Like the best open mic thing I ever heard was Jamie Foxx. He wrote his name as Jamie Foxx because they thought they were bringing up a girl.

[B]

That's smart.

[A]

And he hid the whole night. They think they're bringing up a girl. They're always gonna bring up a girl.

[B]

Cause it's not fair because the host will. We're talking about people who take too much fucking pride in their job. Some open mike hosts are great. There's a lot of open mic hosts who I love. And there's a Lot of them who. And I get it, they pull their friends. It's a bucket. You're supposed to put your hand in and pull it out. And those assholes, they pull their friends, they see your name, they put you back in, and they pick a girl, and they feel like they're curating an evening of comedy.

[A]

It's a cold. It's a cruel world out there. And either you're in or you're out. The thing about me is I'm with you, you're with me, and they want to be with us.

[B]

Fuck, yeah.

[A]

You understand me? They could all suck your dick. So there was a guy in San Francisco that you did the weekend, and then Sunday night you went there and stood there like a hooker after the weekend. Yeah. Like you did. You did Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and then you had Sunday off. This was a Tribble booker, but he was his partner. And what he did was he mixed the Tribble runs, which. All of his rooms in Northern California.

[B]

Okay? So you could do, like a big run.

[A]

It was $75 a night with no hotel.

[B]

Damn.

[A]

I slept on the beach two nights. Took a shower at the diner with a sink with a little hose, with hot water. No. And he would just walk by you. And I think I went. Like, every time I went to do that run or a different run, he had a different run up there. Palo Alto and all that shit. I would always go in there, and he would never fucking pick me. And then one time, on the way from Seattle to Los Angeles, on the drive, when I was moving, the trailer broke down, we were in. So we got stuck in San Francisco, and I was there all weekend. I went in there on Sunday night. And he goes, some other guys vouch for you. You've been around town all week. I'm gonna put you up. But if it wasn't for that, I don't like New York because I don't like New York City people.

[B]

That's a weird thing to say.

[A]

I took the spot. I thanked him and I said, I'll never come back in here again, but I'm gonna etch this in my fucking mind. And sure enough, I moved to la. Gilbert Esquivel. Good, dear friend of mine, the Laugh Factory, the owner didn't like me. He goes, I like you, but your style is Las Vegas showroom. DC's Showcase Club. Showcase Club. No, no, no. He called me something else. Where he wanted me to go was to Vegas to come out with a tuxedo, right? And you know all that.

[B]

So one. One owner wanted you to have a tuxedo on. The other owner wanted it to be Castro, right?

[A]

That's Mitzi Shaw. Later on when she got the fucking disease.

[B]

Oh, okay. I thought that was just a real.

[A]

But you know, I got into. I didn't get into the Laugh Factory, right? But Gilbert, I worked all the Latin rooms and Gilbert ran that room. And he goes, you come in here whenever the fuck you want. Yeah. He goes, just call and I'll put you up at 9:20. That was a hot spot. That was a hot spot. 9:20 to 9:40. 9:40. Carlos Pablo Francisco, Willie Barcena. Somebody would go up and rock that fucking room. So he gave me 9:20. Every week. 920. 9:20. I'm there about six months on Monday. Your goal at that time was to get a triple crown?

[B]

Yeah, that'd be great.

[A]

So you wanted to do the store, the improv and the Laugh Factory. That was tough.

[B]

In one night.

[A]

In one night. So you had to get the laugh factor and the improv for damn sure. Then the comedy so you could pop in. So it's a no brainer. Oh, yeah. If you didn't have the Laugh Factory, you're like, fuck, I gotta go down there now and stand around like an idiot. But Gilbert always took care of me. I think about him a lot. I'm there one Monday night and guess who's there? Johnny San Francisco with three of his little fat faggy comics. Like four of his San Francisco comics at the time. At the time, they weren't good. They were those comics that go, you do that sometime. Don't let me hear you do that. What'd I do? Ah, you say a joke and they'll go, ha. Like, don't do that. I'd rather you not laugh. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Why are you insulting people? But that's what these San Francisco little white fags kept doing every week. What are you doing? The guy's eating a bag of dick. You're the only one that sounds like a seal over here.

[B]

Sometimes you're trying to support people.

[A]

Don't laugh, but don't go, ha, ha. Did you hear me? I giggled. Who gives a fuck? I'd rather you not hear you say, shit. I'd rather bomb to death than hear fake laughter. So he walks in there with five of his boys and you know, and he comes up to me, this motherfu. I don't know if you remember me. I know you got 20 minutes tonight. Do you mind giving me 10 of your minutes? What? Dog, that was the happiest night of my life.

[B]

Go fuck yourself.

[A]

The things I said to that motherfucker. And he just looked at me like, usually if you were tough, you would go, you're not talking to me like that. This dude just looked at me and he goes, okay, I remember that. And he just walked away. I go, go get a fucking coffee in San Francisco, you fucking faggot. You gotta come over here to me fucking. And then his boss was a bigger dick. He had a boss that was 100% fucking gay. Again, I didn't give a fuck. He had, like, a girlfriend, but he wanted to suck Joe Rogan's dick. And I'll fucking back that. I'll get three comics that'll come in here and tell you right now. Oh, dog, it was bad. So he would pick up Rogan for radio with one seat. Yeah. Oh, I don't have room for you guys. And we're like, rogan, don't get in the car. Yeah, Rogan. And Rogan would go, shut the fuck up, guys. And I would say, rogan, don't get in the car. He's gonna suck your dick.

[B]

In front of the guy. Oh, my God.

[A]

Because the guy told Rogan and Ralphie. The guy told Rogan one day. Rogan was too much of a brother to tell us. It was Ralphie who pulled me aside and he goes, bro, Cobbs, that dude that runs it, owns it. He pulled me aside one day and he asked me why Joe took you, Ari and Duncan on the road. That all three of yous were waste of life. Jesus Christ. And he didn't know why he took him on the road. And I go, because he's jealous. Because he wants to suck Joe's dick. But I'm fucking. What's that guy? What's the ugly fat chick that hangs out all night? The sidekick. She always brings the ugly sidekick. When you have a date with a hot chick, you always get the sidekick that, I don't want to be here. Yeah, we're about to get my dick sucked in the phone booth.

[B]

Cock block.

[A]

Yeah, cock blocking. So I would be like, the cock block.

[B]

Oh, my God. And he asked you for 10 of your minutes.

[A]

Not him. The under mic, the open mic guy. That came later. That came like two or three years out, bro. Every year we go to San Francisco. And every year there was drama. Every fucking year there was drama up there. I broke the computers one year. The one year was the San Francisco fire. Yeah, dog, every time I went to San Francisco. So it got to the point where we would just go up there. And the guy hated us. And that's when Rogan had two bodyguards. He had Tate and Eddie, who would come with us just out of principle. And Brian. So that's me, ahrii, Duncan, Joe, and four of those fucking dudes that went everywhere together. We'd sit in that green room, and the dick owner would come up first and he'd go, there's menus here. And then he leave, and we'd get this chicken sticks, bro. But it was seven gorillas. So we get 35 orders of chicken sticks from the club, and the club will come up, and the guy, the scumbag, will come up and go, I can't do that order right now. You're doing it. You're doing it. We're the talent. We're hungry. We want chicken sticks. Fuck everybody else. And dog, he just ran downstairs. And it was me. They hated me. Rogan would just go, jesus fucking Christ, Joey. You can't do this to these people. You gotta treat these people with respect. Them. I'm under your umbrella. You know what I'm saying? Fuck them.

[B]

I just would love to see the server telling him they want 35 orders of chicken sticks.

[A]

Think about it. It was fucking eight gorillas. We're gonna get three. Three little chicken sticks. We need one apiece. Two apiece.

[B]

Oh, my God. At least. Dude, I can't. I can't get over someone asking you for your time at the store.

[A]

No.

[B]

The laugh Fact, wherever it was. Then ask me for my time at the open mike. I'll fucking leave.

[A]

And then about six months later, I was at the Laugh Factory again.

[B]

How dare you?

[A]

And Paul Rodriguez walked in with John Fox one night. I don't give a fuck about John Fox. I like Paul. We're brothers from the Comedy Store. But John I don't know about. And I've heard nothing good about him. So Paul goes up and he goes, hey, man, do you mind if I bring up John? And then he'll bring you up, and you give him 10 of your minutes. And I go, and I thought about it for a minute. This is 98. I've been there for about a year. And I thought about it for a minute. I go, first off, John Fox snorted his fucking life. John Fox was the first guy Rodney picked up all those years. Anything Rodney did, John Fox did. Everybody else became a star. He didn't. You know why? Because he snorted everything. I go, I don't want that guy around. I didn't say this to Paul, but I'm like, Paul, that's not happening. I got 20 minutes. I worked really hard to get these fucking 20 minutes, and now you want me to give it to this fucking guy? And Paul's like, bro, if you don't do it, it's not cool. I'm not cool. Then no, take my fucking chances. But I'm not giving you 10 of my fucking minutes, man.

[B]

You thought so, dude, like, if. It was like a good if, Eric, for some reason, or like, if, like a guy that I knew.

[A]

My brother gets 10 minutes. Yeah, my brother gets half of what I got. It's like a comic that we know. Rich was telling me about a different comic that called him up three weeks ago to ask him to put a word in when it were Rogan. He goes, I'm not putting up work. And then he called me and told me about it. I go, let me tell you what that did to me. I had those sold out shows in Tempe, okay? And this motherfucker just walked in one night. Haven't talked to him in two years. Was never tight with him. When I met him, it was under a bad situation. Like I had to look him in the eye and go, you better get to it. Cause you're gonna get knocked out at the fucking improv. When I first got out there, I'm 98. I was still a little rough on the edges and had a crazy girlfriend. I had gotten up with her. I go to the bathroom, when I come back, he's trying to talk to my girlfriend. I go, beat it. He goes, who are you? I go, are you fucking kidding me? I just pulled the chair out. Hey, man. Hey, man, what? Hey, man, what? Hey, man, what? All right. And then I love it. I'm doing a fucking sold out weekend. And you know Tempe has all those golf things. So all these little golf fags go down there. He's one of those golf club fags. Comic. And Doug, this motherfucker walked into the 10pm prom. He just came into the green room, he goes, can I do 15 minutes? And I said, no, dog. His whole body turned pale. He's like, what do you mean, no? You're not getting 15 minutes. I don't know you. I know you. When was the last time you called me? When was the last time you sent me a birthday card? When was the last time you called me and said, hey, man, how you doing? I see you're blowing up. How you doing, man? You just want to walk in here, ask me to give you 15 minutes of my audience that I worked Hard to put in there. Not happening. He called 18 of my friends and all of them told him, dog, you're lucky you fucking. He said, no. Yeah, because you know these people out of their minds. I'm not giving you 10 in my minute. Lee walks in, he could take all my time. You think I want to do time? You think I want to do 45 minutes? Can we take 25 of those? Yeah, I'll pay him half. Good, take it. Go, Lee. I don't want to do all that fucking time no more. I'm an old man.

[B]

I get it.

[A]

You understand? I don't want to do. When I come to an open mic, people think, I want to do 50 minutes. I'm not doing that. I'm not doing that because I was the recipient of that at one time when some jerk off who did a commercial, you know, came in. Listen, yeah, we're going to bump everybody, do 40 minutes of bad material to take the room from death to post death. Like fucking, you know, one of those Mel Gibson movies, Roadhouse, what a Road Warrior, whatever.

[B]

Postmodern, post apocalyptic or something.

[A]

Yeah, doing that.

[B]

Oh, my God. Meanwhile, because I've had. I had a place turn the mic off on me once. The host of the show did like, impressions from like 30 years ago. Oh, yeah, it was the worship. And like, I've had places be like, listen, at four minutes, you get the light. At five, you already gone too far. If you get to 5:30, we will play you off and you will never perform here again. Meanwhile, like, someone with a YouTube credit comes in and they get to run the light, bump everybody.

[A]

It's fucking crazy and it's, it's very disrespectful. Yeah, there's two things that are disrespectful in comedy that I'll judge you right off the bat because I know what type of person you are. And we discussed this a couple times ago. I have a dear friend that does this, and this is why I don't put him on my shows. When I look you in the face and tell you 10 fucking minutes, it's 10 minutes. It's eight minutes. And you get off at nine and a half, 10. I mean, if you're destroying them, stay. But if you're ending on a hippy ippy note, take your time and pull the plug and get a roast beef sandwich and come back and do it tomorrow, same thing for the feature act. Because there's a limit. There's a reason why you're doing that. Those times are there. There's a fucking reason. You think that you're gonna go up there and do 25 minutes in front of the feature and we're gonna hire you, you're gonna take his job. You just lost the job.

[B]

That's true.

[A]

You just lost the job. You just lost the job because not only did you tell the feature act, you disrespected them. You disrespected me as a headliner. That's why I don't like doing late shows. Because if the late show runs late, every minute off that clock is put on me. That's one more minute they can have another cocktail. That's one more minute they could drop another pill. That's gonna make it tougher on me. So if my show's supposed to start at 10:30 and the show don't start till midnight, they're not going to see me till one. Why am I going up there? I'm walking into a. So timing is everything.

[B]

Yeah. And it is. Shows, like, when I see someone do it, you think less of them. I mean, a minute is different than. But some people do, like 11 minutes, 7 minutes, the lights on.

[A]

I'm over here. I'm throwing heat over here, and all of a sudden I get a loud explosion in the room. And I'm going. All of a sudden, at a glance, I see the lights blue. All right, thank you very much. That's my. Wow. The fucking Comedy Store original room. Bam.

[B]

Yeah, great.

[A]

But if I'm running. If I get that response and then I'm running it, and now I went from getting an A to a B minus.

[B]

Oh, yeah, that always happens.

[A]

Because that time. Why are you doing. You know this?

[B]

Even if you don't run the light, Just trying to fit one last joke in it. Always fucking.

[A]

What's going on in Iran right now? Shut the fuck up. They're on stage. They don't want to know about Iran right now. That's what they've been watching on the TV all fucking day. You know, so. And I learned this in Seattle, but I learned dignity here in Hudson county. They gave you 10, do nine and get the fuck out of there. Yeah, you stick around to 1820, people gonna go, hey, that was a good set, but two and a half people in the room. And they're gonna go, you. You're booked, you're done. I'm not gonna have you here. I'm working on time.

[B]

And it makes. Because, I don't know. I. I bet, you know, sometimes I'll be up there and they won't give me the light yet or a couple times I've mixed. I've missed it. If you do 10 minutes five times a week, you know what 10 minutes is? Around nine minutes. Oh, wait, I should be getting off around now. You do. Like, if they don't give you the light until you've been up there, like 11, I'll notice. I'm like, someone should have given me the light by now, and here I am.

[A]

I actually believe it's like anything else. You're gonna stop. Fuck my chick. You're in there. Bah, bah, bah. Now you got the rhythm. Bah, bah, bah, bah. You go for the air now this shit's moving. The birds, the cat's looking at the door. You fucking work in this motherfucker. You're just not gonna. You're not just going to stop, okay? Sometimes you're having too good of a time, and that's when this happens, when you're having a great time, and all of a sudden, boom. They're laughing, you're laughing. The fucking guy in the piano is laughing. Everybody's laughing. And you look up and see the lights on. Not that it's blinking. It's just on, right? Wrap it up. Wrap it up. Yeah, wrap it up. There's nothing else you're going to add to that fucking joke. And you showed that you respected the guy in front of you. Because the only reason I would try to outwit you is if I'm trying to take your job or somebody's job in this room. And you ain't taking nobody's job. You lost the job. Most people have the job to lose it. Like when I go to an audition, my agent always goes, it's your job until you lose it. Yeah, that's yours. Until you lose it.

[B]

Until you fuck it up.

[A]

Until you fuck it up. And that's. That's it. He came to my club, he did five shows. He killed every show. But he ran the light. All five fucking shows. A knucklehead will go, yeah, but I killed. Now what he's talking about. You missed the whole fucking thing. It's like when Bruce Lee smacks a Chinese kid and says, by you looking, you miss the beauty of the moon, the stars. It's every day we do this.

[B]

Yeah. And there's plenty of people who can get the same response, especially as an opener. As an opener, like, you're super replaceable.

[A]

Because I could replace you for 25 bucks tomorrow night. Tonight, I really want to snorkel coke. I can find somebody for 10 bucks to go there for free and a dinner and two drinks. You know, that's the problem we discussed last week, why there's no comedian union.

[B]

Yeah, okay, that is a problem. But it's also. It's really cool, like, just being, like, making those slow steps and like that club. And that's why we're. Because a little bit they're being nice sometimes. Like those. Like the local clubs, when they hire you for the first time at your first hosting weekend, you're pumped. You do the dry cleaning, and you're so happy.

[A]

What people don't realize is the first time I hire you for $150 for three shows, but people don't think the host, he's going to fucking Star Search. Yeah, this is big. If I go to a host comic, and I go, hey, man, I got a weekend for you. The guy's like, come on. Yeah, five shows. I'm gonna go to San Antonio. Yeah, come on. And I look at you and go, listen, I got a sister who's got the perfect ass and is dying to put it in your face. And then fart a red bean rice and fart in your face. He'll go, that's never gonna cover. I'm going. Because to him, those five shows of Madison Square Garden, to a guy like me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Do you follow me? Where you have to cut your toenails. You're from the bottom up. You even drank a fucking poison to kill everything. You're antibacterial. You gotta be beautiful from the way out, you know?

[B]

You're at the green room two hours early.

[A]

Yeah, you're in there two hours early.

[B]

That used to be me.

[A]

You could be starving. The guy's like, you want anything to eat? Never. Ralphie told me not to raise a bill.

[B]

I'm not gonna sit down.

[A]

I'm not even gonna sit down. The chair is for, you know, this is big to you. The first five of them. Until somebody goes, here, take that bucket. Go clean the puke in the back. And you're like, okay, where was that in my fucking comedy repertoire? And then you see what they see you for. And then you either quit or your goal is to become better than these people. I'm gonna come back to this club and tell you, look you in the eye in front of everybody, the staff, and tell you to suck my dick. And you'll have to take it because.

[B]

I sold out six shows.

[A]

Whatever. Because I became better than you. You kicked me when I was down, when I was an emcee. You kicked me you know, it's like you start in Jersey, you're a big time Jersey guy, you're an advocate for Jersey, but for some reason, the Stress Factory just won't hire you. Yeah, you went there once, you did the MC and the guy didn't like you. And bro, that happens everywhere. Maybe his head was somewhere else. He didn't watch the shows. A waitress said you didn't tip right. He didn't even see you, but he'll go, no, I didn't like him. And then you move. You, you develop in New York, you stay away from that club. And seven, eight years later, you move to la. And five or six years later, you're somebody. You're not a star, but you're on Comedy Central. You got your first half hour, you got two co stars on a show. You know, now they have to look at you weird. You call that guy back and that guy's gonna tell you, no, last time he was there. And this is your home club. This is the club that you fucking started at. This is it. What do you mean no? Nah, not really. And then you wait. And now, like the Stress Factory. I'm just using. The Stress Factory is a great club, but now they find the alternatives. The dojo, the Vinny's. And you know, you sold out three shows at Uncle Vinny's. It's a buck forty. You sold out four shows at Uncle Vinny's. You sold out five shows at Uncle Vinny's. You sold six shows on Uncle Vinny. That man who ate you, he's gonna call you. Hey, Long fucking Lee Syed. Long fucking time. Oh my God. I watched a podcast last week. You were so high and so funny. My God, how long have you been doing a podcast, Lee? And all of a sudden you're like. And you just sit there and they'll just. Bro, it's like something for years. This guy hates you. Well, no, there's people who don't like you, who've never really seen you, and I don't really want to watch a tape. And then there's people who have a flaw with you. You fucked a comics girlfriend when you were an open Micah. They heard about it. It was their friend, you know, and now they hate you. I don't care how much hate there is. You saw our six shows as a competing club. They will have you on that phone and blowing smoke up your ass. This, that, this, that. And then they'll try to short you on money. The first time. Oh, yeah, it's your first time, man, I can we're not going to go over this process again because the next move I make is at the State Theater. And then I'm not going to sell it the first time, but the second time in two years, I'm going to sell it out. And then people are going to start questioning you. Right? And saying, why didn't you bring a kid? Not from Long island, not from New York, not from Brooklyn, Queens or Staten Island. You didn't give a guy from Jersey a homebrew. Yeah, that's for. These are all the things that. This is the revenge factor of stand up comedy, where I don't want to become a star to be a star. I want to become a star to prove all these dickheads wrong. And I'm not going to rub it in their face at all. I'm going to be a gentleman and let them call me and then ask Lee. Every club I went to, everybody gave me a gift after not seeing me because I came from Rogan and I was too dirty in the beginning and they didn't want me back with Rogan or something. And Rogan only took. Rogan would tell club owners, if Diaz is coming, you won't see me at your fucking club. Fucking hilarious. He did that to the, to the Comedy Magic Club. He shut them down for years, you know, Shut them down for years. Diaz can go. And he never said nothing to me. I found out years later I bumped into that same dude that didn't like me. Hey, man, I see you're doing things at your career later. You should have planned ahead, motherfucker. Because the set you didn't like me for, I ripped that room apart. They're used to magicians down there. And you know, white actors, they're an old audience. Cause Jay Leno goes in there. So they didn't want dirty comics to go in there. But I went in there and I didn't read the memo. I didn't. It's posted. There is a sign that there's a professional club later.

[B]

Good for you.

[A]

And I was a feature act then. One movie I had the longest shard 2004, 5, 6, 7, 8. It was around that time period where I was like, I've already done a movie with Harold Ramis. And he told me about this telling people what to say and do shit. And I did the Longest Yard. And I was a regular at the store. And I'm talking about following Paul Mooney. So what are you gonna throw at me? So I could talk from strength. I wasn't talking from weakness and trying to Be somebody. I wasn't. I was talking from strength here, you know?

[B]

Yeah, that's. I think that's the difference of being here. Because that's all they want you to do, is sell tickets. So when you can finally do that, that's it.

[A]

Don't think. It's nothing else. Don't think you're doing something. You. We believe that. Oh, my God, I'm selling tickets. I'm doing something. A thousand people have done it before you and 10 million are going to do it after you. But as long as you know that when you're doing standup and you're killing at these clubs and you're burying guys that are selling tickets and they're like, I can't follow Lee. He's too sporadic. Or you think Lee could go later because I have to go to a wedding. I have to do my Spy. You knew you were going to go to a wedding. Now you want to bump poor Lee because you don't want to follow him. And now that's how you start getting your power. Now those comics that do it to you, you start torturing them every time you see them. You don't have a wedding tonight. Your kid's sick. What is it tonight? Because then after you get off stage, after they get off stage, and you do your spot, when you finish your spot, guess who's at the bar? That same comic that had to leave because his kid was sick or he had to go home for audition for a movie. And that's when you notice a fucking weakness. And now you could just bank off. You could break them when you see them before they go up. You don't got to leave the doctor. Your wife ain't calling from the hospital, and that's it. Then they start to hate you because you got there. You piss on their fence every time you see them because they tried to piss on yours. Do your spot. Do your fucking spot. You know, this is an education. And those very years where you feel like, that's it, that shit happens. Yeah, you fucking really go home some nights and you're like, I guess I'm about to call George and be an apprentice. And he's going to teach me. He can't pay me. I get dog. This is how serious you get. Then you get up the next morning, you have some eggs, and all of a sudden you're like, you know what? I'm gonna give it one more day. But it doesn't happen. I'm done. You know, that's the thing is getting up every day, you know, I used to get so depressed. I never told people this shit. I used to get so depressed in la. When I got to la, what do you think I was fucking talk. They hated me. Like they hate you anywhere, you know, you're the new kid on the block. They're gonna make comments about your set, how you dress. They're gonna be watching you, you know, Nobody's letting you rise. You're only getting seven minutes, you know? So I started going to the Comedy Store in the daytime. I would go to the Comedy Store about one o'. Clock.

[B]

To do what? To do what?

[A]

I would sit in the original room and ask myself how quiet could it get in here. I'd be in there by myself. There would be nobody in there. The Mexican kid, the maintenance guy would be in the hallway, but he didn't even know I was in there. I did this three, four times a week. If I was home, I would eat lunch and then drive myself to the Comedy Store, sneak in the back door and go into the original room. I never went into the main room by myself because I was scared.

[B]

Of what?

[A]

Of the ghost. Okay, okay. I'm not gonna lie to nobody here. But I sat in the original room. And a couple times I drove myself to tears. And a couple times I thought I was retarded. A couple times I thought I had to seek help for cocaine. And then one day I woke up and I read something about Denzel Washington. That every day, the first thing he does is not meditate or drink coffee. He tries to put himself through every emotion every day. So he pushes himself to tears. And I would. It would be like when I go to church. Whenever I go to church and they start passing the fucking cookies out and shit. I get emotional because I grew up in this. I grew up when they used to pass the cookie and the nun would hit you. And you had the clapper. They had the clapper to get up and sit down and kneel, you know. But I would sit there and it was like a church for me at the time. At that time, I wasn't going to church. And I would sit there and not say see myself, but I would sit there and focus on how quiet it was and dream about when I could make this room explode. Yeah, that's a true thing I did. I did that for two fucking years. Maybe three years, from 97 to maybe 2003. If I had nothing to do in the afternoon, I wouldn't take a notebook in there. I wouldn't do any of that. I'd just sit in the original room. Look out onto Sunset. I'd see those three chairs, but I would just look at the stage and listen. Just focus on listening and going, jesus Christ, if I'm ever in stage and it's this quiet, I'm gonna shoot myself. You know what I'm saying? I'm gonna jump, go to the roof and shoot myself. But I dream about the day. And sometimes I would even, like, look at a watch or something, and I would time what 18 minutes felt like, and I would just dream about when that room would explode for me. And some days you cried because you're like, who am I kidding? It's never going to happen. You know, this is never going to happen. But it did. It worked for me. I would just sit there in the afternoons, maybe two hours. Sometimes I get high. Sometimes I go in there and just feel sorry for myself. And then by the end, I go, who the fuck am I kidding? I'm going to come here tonight at my. Do my 1245 spot and destroy these four people, you know? And. Yeah, but one day I went in there, I was driving down there, and it was right after the holidays, probably like January 8th, 10th, around there. It's like a Wednesday. I'm driving down Sunset. I'm gonna go to the store and hang out. Because the soda gun was always. You could always get a soda in there.

[B]

That's why you went to the store?

[A]

Yes. I got a big glass of sodas all day. And I'm pulling in. There's a bunch of cars back there. I'm like, fuck. But I recognized the piano player, the gay Jeff. Jeff's car was there. So I sit in the car and I. I don't know what to expect. And I walk in the front door. I'm walking in the back door, and right in the original room, I hear just piano and I hear a voice that I recognized, but singing. And I walk up the original. I didn't even go to get my free soda. I walked up the original room stairs. And on stage at one in the afternoon was Andrew Dice Clay and a bunch of record people, executive people, but basically old Jews, hysterical. Like, they had to be 13 old, old Jews in the room that had dust on them. You know those type. They were old. They're all dusty, big Crosby jacket and the thick De Niro and casino glasses.

[B]

Oh, my God. And Dice was singing.

[A]

And Dice is on stage, and this is what he was singing. So it would start off. It was a bolero song, and it was like. And Dice would come up and he'd go. And then the music would stop and it pick up again. And Dice would go, the contents of my balls is on your face. And the whole audience would go.

[B]

Why was he doing this in the middle of the day?

[A]

He was trying to pitch an album to them.

[B]

That was a pitch he was doing to old Jews, dog.

[A]

I sat there for 40 minutes crying from the reaction of the dusty juice. Cause they brought their wives with them or secretaries. And those women were petrified. Yeah. Oh, my God. The dice is up there. The contents of my balls is on your tits. And he would break it down for 10 minutes, all the content on his balls and whack bag, whack bag. When he used to say that shit, I don't know what that means. And I'm sitting there fucking in the back, just howling. And I was like, look at this motherfucker at one in the afternoon doing something that's completely different than I think he would do. He was singing and Jeff Scott. And it was one of those bolero music, you know? And then it would stop, and that's when Dice would come in. The contents of my ball is on your face. And, bro, it was.

[B]

I don't think they made the album.

[A]

No, I don't think so either.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

I think it's. I would kill the water with Peter Lemon jello as great as his.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

All right, so where you at this week, donkey man?

[B]

This week I'm at the Comedy Shop three or four times. Please come on out to that. And I think that's. Yeah. And then that's it for this week. Just a comedy shot.

[A]

I got nothing till February 28th, the roast of New Jersey. Then March 5th, we're in Tampa, Florida, at the Hard rock Cafe. And March 16th, Hard Rock Casino Cafe. And then the 16th, we're up in Connecticut at Foxwoods. At Foxwoods. So that's what we got left. April 18th, we're at fucking Nashville Comedy Festival. Lee's coming, so come on out and see us. Besides that, that's it. It's a beautiful week to be alive. Tomorrow's my daughter's 36th birthday. Happy birthday. If you watch the podcast, I don't think she does. And that's it. We're here with queerjack. We'll be back next week, same bat time, same bat channel. Say good night, Lee.

[B]

Good night, Lee.

[A]

See you. Stay black, Sam.