Dying of Laughter with Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Summary

The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament – Episode: "Dying of Laughter"

Released on July 1, 2025

Hosts: Joey Coco Diaz & Lee Syatt

In this episode of "The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament," comedians and lifelong friends Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt engage in a candid and humorous conversation, delving into personal anecdotes, the challenges of the entertainment industry, family dynamics, and their perspectives on life’s unpredictabilities. The episode is rich with laughter, heartfelt moments, and insightful observations, making it both entertaining and relatable for listeners.

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1. Navigating Life in New York City (02:44 - 05:08)

Lee Syatt opens the discussion by sharing his experiences of moving to New York City, highlighting the stark contrasts between living with ample financial resources versus struggling in the bustling metropolis.

• Financial Struggles: Lee describes the hardships of living in a cramped apartment, “Living in New York and struggling right now sucks, dude” ([04:35]).

• Housing Issues: He vividly portrays the inconveniences of shared living spaces, “You have more than you know. Your bathroom's always going to smell like a fucking billy goat” ([04:53]).

2. The Fraught Relationship with Payment Systems (05:08 - 17:15)

A significant portion of the conversation centers around the difficulties performers face with receiving payments from organizations like SAG-AFTRA.

• Delayed Payments: Lee shares frustrating stories about delayed checks, stating, “Once you file the complaint, it takes another 120 days to process. So kiss that check goodbye” ([15:54]).

• Agent Exploitation: He warns listeners about unscrupulous agents who take advantage of artists, “They're eating lobster tails” ([21:04]).

• Personal Anecdotes: Lee recounts his own battles with missing payments and the bureaucratic red tape involved, emphasizing the importance of vigilance, “You have to watch your paper like a motherfucker” ([16:07]).

3. The Reality of Managing a Comedy Career (17:15 - 36:48)

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt discuss the pressures of maintaining a successful career in comedy, touching on themes of self-discipline and the mental toll it takes.

• Preparation and Performance Anxiety: Lee reflects on his own experiences with stage fright and the importance of enjoying the moment, “It's how you look at the situation” ([37:20]).

• Evolution as Comedians: They explore how their approaches to comedy have matured, with Lee emphasizing efficiency and focus, “That's what you have to tell these people” ([33:12]).

4. Family and Personal Relationships (36:48 - 63:34)

The hosts delve into their personal lives, discussing parenting, relationships, and the complexities of raising children in today’s world.

• Parenting Challenges: Lee shares a touching moment about his daughter’s awareness of his past struggles, “She read the first paragraph to her little 12-year-old friend and they both started fucking crying” ([57:33]).

• Honesty with Children: Emphasizing transparency, Lee advises, “You don't want to hide anything from your fucking kids” ([54:33]).

• Sharing Personal Stories: They recount how past experiences shape their current relationships, highlighting the importance of openness, “They grew up in 18 and going, I don't want to go to college. I want to be a stripper” ([50:30]).

5. Stand-Up Comedy Insights and Experiences (63:34 - 80:59)

The discussion shifts to the intricacies of performing stand-up comedy, including managing material, engaging with audiences, and overcoming stage-related challenges.

• Handling Mistakes: Lee candidly talks about forgetting lines during a performance, “I was still gonna come up with, like, 20 new minutes of material” ([66:43]).

• Audience Interaction: They explore the dynamics between comedians and their audiences, with Lee emphasizing the need to enjoy the performance, “If it's A cocktail if it's good” ([68:04]).

• Preparation Strategies: Lee shares his method of rehearsing jokes to keep his mind sharp for performances, “That’s why I do that at the dojo on purpose to get my memory going” ([72:26]).

6. Health, Surgery, and Future Plans (80:59 - 82:43)

In the final segment, Lee discusses upcoming medical procedures and their impact on his life and career.

• Upcoming Surgery: Lee humorously details his various surgeries, “Tomorrow, July 1st, they're going to rip it out, shoot Botox in my ear” ([45:14]).

• Recovery Plans: He outlines his plans for recuperation and future performances post-surgery, “Next Thursday, they're going to yank out this tooth” ([46:00]).

7. Fourth of July Reflections and Plans (73:00 - 82:43)

As the episode wraps up, Joey and Lee share their thoughts on the upcoming Fourth of July holiday, blending humor with social commentary.

• Holiday Observations: Lee makes satirical remarks about societal changes and political climate, “Trump is helping you. He's cleaning out the country” ([75:03]).

• Personal Plans: They discuss their individual plans for the holiday, with Lee promoting upcoming shows, “Stay black. Don't forget to support Lee tonight at the Comic Strip” ([82:31]).

Notable Quotes

• Lee Syatt on Financial Struggles: “Living in New York and struggling right now sucks, dude.” ([04:35])

• On Agent Exploitation: “They're eating lobster tails.” ([21:04])

• Handling Stage Anxiety: “It's how you look at the situation.” ([37:20])

• Parenting and Honesty: “You don't want to hide anything from your fucking kids.” ([54:33])

• Performance Recovery: “I was still gonna come up with, like, 20 new minutes of material.” ([66:43])

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Conclusion

"Dying of Laughter" offers a raw and unfiltered glimpse into the lives of Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt, blending humor with poignant reflections on personal and professional challenges. Their chemistry and storytelling prowess create an engaging narrative that resonates with listeners, providing both laughs and meaningful insights.

Whether you're a fan of their comedy or new to their dynamic, this episode delivers a comprehensive exploration of what it means to navigate life’s ups and downs with humor and resilience.

Transcript

[Joey Diaz]

Yo, what's happening, you beautiful savages? Uncle Joey here with my main man Lee Syat for another episode of the Church New Testament. It's July 1st. The rent is due.

[Lee Syatt]

Wash your muffler and let's get out.

[Joey Diaz]

There and make it a beautiful day to be alive. Hey, what's going on?

[Lee Syatt]

Uncle Joe here.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, it's fourth of July weekend. If your dick is malfunctioning, it's time for some bluechew. Jack. Blue Chew is the brand you know and love for offering chewable tablets for better sex. Now they're launching something new. You ready? Blue Chew Max combines the active ingredients of Viagra and Cialis into one chewable. You're about to be unstoppable. Listen, if you thought Blue Chew was good, wait till you get the Blue Chew Max. You can get started even without leaving the couch. Sign [e-mail], chat with one of our licensed medical providers, and if you're approved, you'll get a prescription within days, delivered to your house. Nobody knows nothing, not even the mailman. And get ready to polish that helmet and sling it, Jack. Make life easier by getting harder. And discover your [e-mail] if you want a medium hard, hard, hard, or fucking bang my head off the stove hard, Blue Chew. Got you covered. And we got a special deal for our listeners. Try your first month of Blue Chew free. You're sitting there, Joey. Listen, I want the bang, bang, bang.

[Lee Syatt]

Her head on the pipe one.

[Joey Diaz]

Are you sure? I get it for free. Free. When you press in promo code, Joey. J, O, E, Y. Just pay a fin for shipping. That's $5. That's it. Nobody knows nothing. That's promo code, Joey. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. Like don't eat two of them because you might sink the fucking ship. You know what I'm saying? You might have to drive on the 4th of July. Shit's hanging out. You don't want to do that. But anyway, that's a complete different type of party. I want to thank BlueChew for sponsoring the podcast and for giving this tremendous offer. So that's promo code, Joey. When you visit bluechew.com right now, go look at yourself in the mirror and.

[Lee Syatt]

Go, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm ready to sling some dick. Have a great Fourth of July.

[Lee Syatt]

We're back. That's it. Don't forget bluechew. It's the summertime. If you're going to sling dick, don't forget Bluechew. That's all I can tell you. It is bluechew, right? Absolutely. All right. Always bluechew. Only bluechew.

[Unknown]

Tarzan dude, rip the stairs. This is the last month of the stairs.

[Lee Syatt]

That's it.

[Unknown]

That's it.

[Lee Syatt]

One more month.

[Unknown]

That's it.

[Lee Syatt]

What are you gonna do with the stuff up there? Burn it?

[Unknown]

I'm gonna have to. I'm gonna try to sell it.

[Lee Syatt]

Who knows who's gonna walk up those steps?

[Unknown]

I don't know. Nobody, right? I'm gonna give some stuff to my mom. I'll burn some of it. Who knows?

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, my God.

[Unknown]

That's the fucking biggest waste of goddamn money. No, no, I was. No, I love living here.

[Lee Syatt]

You said it the best. It got you here. Yeah, it got you here. And your first apartment. Nobody moves in to the Trump Towers the first time, you know? No, you're going to have rats. Shit you didn't see. Because when you're excited, the ether.

[Unknown]

Right.

[Lee Syatt]

Like. And I know that's what happened to you. Like, oh, yeah, I'm moving to New York. Four steps. I could do this shit every day. Fuck you. When you told me, I was like, this motherfucker is out of his birth. Well, he's never walking those steps. And I was correct.

[Unknown]

Well, you. You were correct. But I. This has been the craziest year of my life. Like, I don't know. It's a year anniversary of me breaking up with my last.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, here we go with Athena.

[Unknown]

Oh, what?

[Lee Syatt]

There you go. What happened?

[Unknown]

What'd I do?

[Lee Syatt]

Nothing, Just teaching. Just torching your.

[Unknown]

I feel like I'm walking into a conversation that's already going on. There we go. What do you mean? I don't know. It was. I moved to New York thinking, like, oh, I'm gonna get put. Like, that's how. That. The apartment that I had had like an outdoor space. It was nice. I thought I was gonna get. And then I meet someone two weeks in.

[Lee Syatt]

That's what happens.

[Unknown]

And then. Yeah, so it's crazy, but it's great at least. Oh, it's amazing.

[Lee Syatt]

Ship, you're in love. She could bake. Oh, she's pretty. You know. She smells good.

[Unknown]

Thank you.

[Lee Syatt]

She's got a nice apartment. You know what I'm saying?

[Unknown]

Yeah.

[Lee Syatt]

Right there.

[Unknown]

Yeah.

[Lee Syatt]

That is.

[Unknown]

That is my first apartment in New York. Dude. It's New York with money is a completely different. Like, they spin the rotating door for you at her place. That's someone's job anywhere.

[Lee Syatt]

With money, they take care of you, you know? Can you imagine Living in New York and struggling right now. Like, you know, eight people in a four bedroom apartment. Two of them are on the couch. You got one and a half bathroom. That means at all times, all your bathrooms stink like shit.

[Unknown]

Oh my God.

[Lee Syatt]

You have more than you know. Your bathroom's always going to smell like a fucking billy goat. Unless somebody sleeps at their girlfriend's or boyfriend's house. Struggling in New York sucks, dude.

[Unknown]

I have a friend who I met in LA who's a comic. He survives out here because he's a golf caddy during the day and they give him a free place to live. Like the Caddyshack house. He got home last year, his ceiling was like, it was just like raining in his fucking room. Like, like the, all the pipes burst in la, you know, in, in New York, like the house that they give him. I met him in it when I, when we lived in LA and he moved here to do comedy and he's a caddy. He's great comic, doing great in the city. But he survives because he has a free place to live because he's a caddy. But the like, everything just burst like.

[Lee Syatt]

It'S in the caddy. Yeah, okay. Fuck. He's been living for free for a year. I leave, I caught a break. We'll go to a hotel, live by the week. Hotel Six will sign you up at 20, 20 days.

[Unknown]

Yeah. For $8 million.

[Lee Syatt]

No, you tell him it's a weekly rate.

[Unknown]

Not in New York.

[Lee Syatt]

Well, he can't stay in Manhattan, Lee. Right. You know, you know. What the fuck? What are you crazy? In New York? No, he's gonna have to go up to the deaths of. Yeah. All the way out there and get a Motel 6. What's the other airport in Long Island? Ispin?

[Unknown]

Islip or Islip?

[Lee Syatt]

Islip. Yeah. Welcome to Iceland. Fucking guy. Listen, there's no fucking shortcuts, L.A. both of those cities struggling sucks dick. I still remember having to shop Lip Cigarettes and fucking, you know, take a soda from the gas station and shit. Yeah, that's when you, you have to. The checks would come out at 5 at the Comedy Store. I'd be there at 4:30, like whistling and shit. Like, can't wait to get that $75 check. I'm gonna have a. I'm gonna go to Wendy's and get the fuck.

[Unknown]

Yeah, I love how you knew what time the checks came out.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, the checks were there up to two, from two to five. And the mailman came every day at 12:35. I was out there at attention at 12:20. In case he got lost or somebody tried to kidnap.

[Unknown]

Oh, my God. Did they start to, like, expect you?

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, my God. I became. When I lived on Gardner or Schrader, I don't know, wherever Ralphie lived, that same building. The mailman knew us by first name. If I got a check, the mailman wouldn't just put it in my box. He'd knock on Ralphie's door and say, I'm saving Joey the suspense.

[Unknown]

Wait, you were getting mail at Rafley's house?

[Lee Syatt]

No, because I was getting mail there. At somebody's house. Somebody in that building. I was getting my mail there for the longest time. For years, I was getting my mail there. I can't remember whose box it was. It was either Celine's, Gavin's, Jody's. It could have been Ralphie's.

[Unknown]

Right?

[Lee Syatt]

So I would be there. I knew them. And he was Filipino, so I knew his schedule.

[Unknown]

That's amazing.

[Lee Syatt]

You think I'm fucking kidding you? He would tell me when he wasn't gonna be there the next week. Like, I'm going on vacation. Poop, poop, poop. I will not be here. So the other guy come late. So just to let you know, but I'd be fucking waiting there. It was always this, and people would say to me, you getting a check? I don't know. But if you're not out here, you won't get dick. Right or wrong. If I didn't get a check, then I had to go hustle. Then I had to go put the day together. Well, I got $8. I mean, at least get a Chinese lunch. You know, I was waiting for 35. And, dog, I'm going to be honest with you guys. A lot of times I wasn't getting a check. And a check would come from Sutton I didn't even expect.

[Unknown]

How good does that feel when you get a surprise check?

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, my God. I still remember being broke and I had to get a plane ticket. And I went downstairs and I go. I guarantee Terry didn't check the mail. This one, me and Terry lived together because I was getting mail at two places for a long time. And I'll never forget going downstairs and we had just gotten married. We were moving to the Valley, and I needed money and I went downstairs. Remember when the sopranos stopped in 2007 or nine? HBO put a box set out. And in the front, they put the mad TV sketch. So they paid me for that.

[Unknown]

Nice.

[Lee Syatt]

And I'll never forget going downstairs expecting a dick day and opening up my thing. And There was like a check for $2,400.

[Unknown]

Oh, shit.

[Lee Syatt]

Going, are you fucking kidding me? Like at 9:30. No, I was clean then. I was clean, spotless clean. But I got. I still remember going, just going to Celine's after the Comedy store one night, 10 o' clock at night, and trying to like, no money. And Celine going, joey, go over there. You got a check in the mail. No, you got something in the mail. And I went over there. There was a letter that was already open. And it was that dude that became a comedian. They took all his movies away. He used to have a reality show on Fox. And I did the first episode four. I played a pizza guy. Yes. Jamie Kennedy Experiment.

[Unknown]

Oh, shit. Okay.

[Lee Syatt]

I did episode four or five or some stupid shit.

[Unknown]

That must have been a while ago. I remember that, dog.

[Lee Syatt]

That was 2001 or two.

[Unknown]

Jesus.

[Lee Syatt]

The show was a hit, right? But they couldn't shoot the episodes fast enough, so they kept reshowing mine.

[Unknown]

Nice.

[Lee Syatt]

And I'll Never forget, at 10 o' clock at night, I'm like, man, the night's done. It looks like I'm going home. Celine's like, go over there. There's something over there for you. And it came open. I remember going in. There was two checks for $650 a day's pay. And I ran to the fucking check, cash in place, on my old house in Hollywood, right? I basically ran up there because I thought they closed. They didn't. They were open 24 hours. I was pissed that you'd won. Yeah. Because I had to catch the coke dealer. He closed that one. So I ran over there. But I got my checks cashed. But that's great, you know, Even now, like my residual checks, like when I look at my wife, doesn't deposit one anymore. She waits till I get 10 of them and she deposits all 10 of them at once. And I wish I could read you guys the amounts I get. You would die. Like, it starts like at 1 penny, 3 pennies, 18 cents, $92. Then it goes back to 421, 518, $320, 28 cents, 22 cents. So if 10 checks come, 2 of them will be worth catching. There's three of them that my wife will sit there and look at and go, why would they send you a check for this fucking amount?

[Unknown]

I was just gonna add, like, the stamp makes it not even worth it. Why not just direct deposit in your account?

[Lee Syatt]

There's not a point in my life where I get them every fucking day. Yeah, I get them every day for a show I did 30 fucking years ago. Now they air it in Japan and they send me, like, that's. Those are the good ones. When you get the white envelope with the red paperwork.

[Unknown]

Oh, snap.

[Lee Syatt]

But that's when you're like, oh, shit.

[Unknown]

What's the red paperwork?

[Lee Syatt]

The red paperwork is international and shit. Ray Poupon and shit.

[Unknown]

Do they pay you even though you're not talking? Like, do they dub over you?

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, they dub over you, but they.

[Unknown]

Show you they still pay you.

[Lee Syatt]

Those checks are 21 cents. When I open those up, I'm like, what bitches? You open them up 21. The other day I had like, yeah, I'm not lying to you. I must have got nine checks. My wife deposited them one day last week because I just put them on the thing when I get them. And then I go to sag.org you go to sagaftra.org and they'll tell you what's coming, the date it's coming, and what's in process. So when I had nothing, I lived.

[Unknown]

On that website, just hitting refresh all day.

[Lee Syatt]

Every Sunday at 6 o' clock, they refreshed it, okay? So they would start on Sunday at 6 o' clock, and it would tell you when your checks were going to be there, when they were going to get mailed out. So on those days, I already had that money spent. George, I'm coming over at 1 to pick up an eighth dog. Let's go get some Chinese at 1, all right? Then we'll go to what's his name, he's got an eighth of weed. And then we'll go to Ricky Cruz, pick him up and get high.

[Unknown]

Did you have one on your calendar? Like, check for $5?

[Lee Syatt]

You don't put none in your calendar. It's all in the coconut.

[Unknown]

It's all there.

[Lee Syatt]

But in those days, the checks were heavy, right? Those checks were like 333, 682 because it was the top of the tier. It was 20 years ago, right? So I'd be just parked out there like a child. And when he would come, I'd be like, oh, shit. And when that. When I went in there, if that check wasn't there for some reason, there was one check that didn't come for fucking like a week. I was pissed. I was on the phone with SAG every day. And because of that, till this day, I still have the number you call when you're missing a check. I never got rid of that number. Oh, my God, that number's been in his phone since 2002. Because I lost a check for, like 500. I had like nine checks sent to me. That's the funny thing about that. That week was my biggest payoff ever at that time. I had like nine checks sent to me. All the checks were over 50 bucks. But the one I was waiting for was that in my world, I got every check except the $500 one. And I had to wait 30 days to file a fault complaint.

[Unknown]

Oh, no.

[Lee Syatt]

And then once you file the complaint, it takes another 120 days to process. So kiss that check goodbye. But what a lot of people don't know. And I'm gonna drop it on you right now. If you live in. Especially if you live in Hollywood, because those motherfuckers are treacherous. Once a year, I would drive down to Sag after Sag. I would go to SAG first, go upstairs and say, can I please get the box of checks that got returned? Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[Unknown]

It was just checks that never got sent to you or delivered.

[Lee Syatt]

They got sent to my fucking address.

[Joey Diaz]

But for some reason they didn't deliver them.

[Lee Syatt]

We, no, he don't live here no more. Shit like that. With the. When they put the arrow going backwards on your shit. Yeah. And I would go, what the fuck? I live there. And then they would have them to, like, an address in Lake Jersey. Like, they went online for an ad and they come up with like, why would you send this to Fairview, New Jersey? That's the address we had. No, you didn't. I live in la. Why would I put fucking A North Bergen address? Like, that's what they would do to me. So you go down there and come home with like 800. What?

[Unknown]

Oh, God.

[Lee Syatt]

But you had to wait once a year. Like, you had to, like. You know. Because if you went every other week, you look like a fucking pauper.

[Unknown]

Well, I was going to say, but.

[Lee Syatt]

The after department always fucked up your checks. And this is what pissed me off about those motherfuckers.

[Unknown]

What'd they do?

[Lee Syatt]

They always got the address to bill you, correct?

[Joey Diaz]

Not a poop. All their bills always come back without their hand.

[Lee Syatt]

Everything else came back to another motherfucker. They dig through the computer and look for your old addresses and send them there on purpose. So. Because after 90 days, the check is null and void.

[Unknown]

You think it's a scam? Dude, I wouldn't be surprised.

[Lee Syatt]

Who do you think you're dealing with? Joy Bananas. I finally had to figure, when you're broke, you figure that type of shit out. You're like, how come they didn't lose any other check but my big one for 120 fucking days? Maybe the production company, who the fuck you know? But the production company has to send a check to sag. SAG recuts the check and sends it to you. Are you serious? Yeah. Very seldom do. You got to check on the production every once in a while. Those are the mistakes. I would get checks from production companies that would send them to you and Doug, when you're broke, you know all the protocols. So when you do a commercial, you got to check within 30 days. They suck dick. But if you do a TV or a film, you should be getting your money in ten days.

[Unknown]

Whoa.

[Lee Syatt]

So now you sign the paperwork and you gave the clean control of your agency to take that check? Well, guess what they're going to do? They're going to deposit it and tell you they never got dicked. I would have the producers on the other line and go, listen, before you say what you're going to say, I want you to think about what you're going to say. You better think about what you're going to say. I got. What's your name? Liam. Liam. I got Liam from Partners. Whatever. That's a new. They just came to New Jersey Entertainment Partners. Liam, tell my manager when he sent the check. You know, June 1st. It's June. It's July fucking first. Why don't I have my check? Well, we never got it. Liam, did they get it? They got. You should see how many people I caught in that. They sent it. And then I found out they were sending the checks after three days. Like if you shot and you caught the fucking pay period, right? Like if you shot on a Tuesday, you gotta check on Friday. Your agent would sit for a month and a half. Listen, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll give you an extra 2%. Just mail me to check when I get it because I'm over here starving.

[Unknown]

2%?

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, whatever. Why you.

[Unknown]

A lot of percent.

[Lee Syatt]

What are they going to make on $600? Yeah, that's $600. Check that scale.

[Unknown]

Yeah, but what about. If you think they're doing this with you? I was just thinking about hello, and.

[Lee Syatt]

You have 200 fucking clients.

[Unknown]

What about the people who are on, like, you know, like those shows are on for 10, 20 years. If you're getting these kind of checks, they must be getting 50 checks a day. Like those people who are on movies or shows forever. Holy.

[Lee Syatt]

It's a fucking scam. It's a fucking scam. Yeah. That there was a part 15 years ago where I went to this agency and one day I would sit on SAG every fucking Sunday, six o' clock. I don't give a fuck what's going on. You got a computer? Yeah. Okay, 6:01. I'm on SAG. I would see, like, 20 checks came. So I call SAG and I'm like, hey, you know my ID number, date of birth, whatever the fuck you need. Address. You sent those checks to me, but I haven't gotten one of them. They're like, hold on. And they were like, no, we sent them to your agent. And I go, why would you do that? And they go, because they have a release. I ran to that agent and I go, dog, where's my money? And they're like, what money? And I go, let's go to the computer. This money? And they're like, oh, yeah, yeah. We take that and we take 10%. And I go, you didn't book that. Oh, no, you didn't book that. I'll take you to fucking court right now. You better undo that. Well, you signed the agreement. I don't give a fuck what I signed. How can you take commission on a job you never fucking booked?

[Unknown]

How do they even get a check for something they didn't book? That's crazy.

[Lee Syatt]

They took that thing. When I signed on with them, whatever I was signing, they took and sent it to fucking sag.

[Unknown]

Jesus.

[Lee Syatt]

And I called my lawyer and he goes, no, no, no, no. They put that in after the paper. Because I always run that shit by my lawyer at the time. Always. You know, the guy from Goonies. Fucking Ralphie's.

[Unknown]

Lloyd. Oh, they added something to your contract.

[Lee Syatt]

After you signed it, they would send that paperwork in. They would forge it. Look, these motherfuckers, you gotta watch your paper like a motherfucker. People think it's just ha. And you see Jay Z jumping up and down in Paris. Even that guy's gotta watch his money.

[Unknown]

Yeah.

[Lee Syatt]

I don't care what level of entertainment you are or whatever, you have to watch your fucking paper constantly.

[Unknown]

And that's so sad for a guy like me who's, like, hoping one day to have an agent is that, like there's people. Like there's.

[Lee Syatt]

Every fucking year, three agents. Three agents and two managers go to jail every fucking year. If you look closely, we know somebody who threw his manager in fucking jail. Nick Turturro.

[Unknown]

Damn.

[Lee Syatt]

That motherfucker was taking everything.

[Joey Diaz]

Everything.

[Lee Syatt]

Because they become your personal managers and they're like, okay, I'll handle everything. And you're like, oh, yeah, the spotlight is great. And meanwhile, they're eating lobster tails. And.

[Unknown]

Yeah, like, are you talking about, like, paying their regular bills? I don't understand that at all. How hard is it to get out of it?

[Lee Syatt]

You were so fucking tied up as an entertainment. There's a lot of people who are in comedy or acting or music that listen to this. There's a level that you get to. It's $60,000 a year. People going to try to rob you at every. You know, it's like, I feel bad for, like, what about the guy caught. That was my Apple guy.

[Unknown]

Oh, yeah.

[Lee Syatt]

Remember? With the missing hand? This motherfucker. No wonder he had a missing hand. Somebody cut it off from stealing. Oh, no, we got to take him to court. You don't. For what he settled for. It was like. He was just. But I could feel it, because when we didn't have the podcast, the numbers were great. And all of a sudden, the podcast booming. Everything's selling except my CDs. Are you fucking stupid? And we kept asking him, oh, no, no. Sales have been down. I do Rogan. I remember those days. That first album I did live at fucking the Three Aces.

[Unknown]

Yeah, Three clubs.

[Lee Syatt]

I remember three. Nobody even fucking talked to me back then. I'd done the longest show. I had this dude talk me into doing a CD for his company. I put that thing on Apple. I think I sold three of them in five years. I swear to God. One night I'm having dinner in Vegas, and my text goes off, and it's that guy. And he goes, I'm sending you a check for $1,900. And I fucking got up and called him. I go, what are you talking about? Your checks are always $9 $8.50. And he goes, I don't know. You did something and all your CDs sold out. Or something had gone on Rogan. Every time you went on those shows in those days, they bought everything. And he kept. So after that, I went on Rogan 25,000 times, and he's telling me, oh, he just sold three CDs. So I signed with that dude, and I said, look into that. This motherfucker came by, goes, dog, this motherfucker. No wonder he's got a missing hand. And I could tell because he started dating a young girl. And when I met him, he had, like, a shitty car. And when I met him the second time, he had a convertible Audi.

[Unknown]

Don't go from a shitty car to An Audi?

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, you don't go from a shitty car to a convertible Audi. So I knew something was not right. And then the chick broke his heart and he went deep. You gotta go to psychotherapy and sell the car. Reminded him of her and. Shit, I wish I was lying to you guys. It was not good.

[Unknown]

Was he stealing the money to pay for stuff for the girl?

[Lee Syatt]

I think he was just stealing the money to impress the girl. You're gonna get that a lot. I was with an agency once that he didn't rob me. But there was an agent that seemed very nice. And one day I heard they took him out of there with handcuffs. He was, bro, there's a thousand ways to rob a client.

[Unknown]

And what do you think? Do you think it's just so easy for them that they're like, they're never going to notice? It's just too much temptation.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay, you sign with a manager, right? And the guy sells you on. We take care of everything, okay? We get your plane tickets, hotels, rental cars. You give me a card. Three years, nothing ever happens. Then one day they get an assistant.

[Unknown]

Right?

[Lee Syatt]

Okay, now he's got access to your cards. Now you're seeing Boeing $89. You haven't bowled since high school. You know what I'm saying? Like, shit like that, that's how it starts. And if they get away with bowling once or twice, then they'll take her for dinner, and then they'll take her for another dinner, and then next thing you know, you're financing plane tickets to Alaska. It's never happened to me, but it's happened to three or four comics. I know.

[Unknown]

Is that because you have your wife, like, to help you in a lot of ways that a lot of. Maybe some other comics don't?

[Lee Syatt]

No, that taught me that I would book my own plane tickets even.

[Unknown]

Oh, the plane tickets. Yes.

[Lee Syatt]

Even today I still look at my own plane tickets and book them. Even today I do all that shit.

[Unknown]

And obviously not.

[Lee Syatt]

I can't. I don't have the heart to go, Lee, do me a favor, get me a plane. And then you have to call me back and go, well, there's a 7:30, a 9:30 and 11:30. All right, what time do we get back? Sunday. And then you call me back. Well, the 7:30 is not an event. I can't do that as a human being. That's just not. That's just stupidity.

[Unknown]

And is it really.

[Lee Syatt]

That's just stupidity. I can't do that, Go back and forth to a fucking stupid fucking plate ticket.

[Unknown]

It Takes longer.

[Lee Syatt]

It takes a lot longer.

[Unknown]

And like I gotta.

[Lee Syatt]

It takes. It takes too much of my time. That's why people say to me, how come you never got in the system? Because by the time I taught you the method, you're gonna have a fucking heart attack. Because there's no method. It's just hustling. It's just. Get on the computer, do this. You're looking at dates. You gotta check the hotel to see if they got a midnight room service. That's the first thing I look at when we go to Boston and shit. You gotta have something for me to eat. How many times you go back to a hotel, you're starving. They got potato chips.

[Unknown]

They know everything. Even nice hotels have nothing.

[Lee Syatt]

Forget it. I wanna see the menu.

[Joey Diaz]

I wanna see the late night menu.

[Lee Syatt]

It's always gonna have a stupid fucking cheeseburger. You know that. They're always gonna have a warm chocolate chip cookie, which I don't know why I would just get one cookie. Tell me. I got a bag of Chips Ahoy for this small 20. Bring it up, Bring it up. Why you. You know what I'm saying? Like, wait till somebody opens up one of those hotels that you fucking pick your own midnight menu. Like, like a prison menu. You send them at 11, you look at your remote, what's coming on the Twilight Zone, Fucking Eyes Wide Shuttle. I'm up till 4. Fuck it. Okay, let me get a salami sandwich with bologna and fucking American cheese, lettuce, mustard, Put the mayonnaise under the fucking whatever because I want the mustard on the salami, you know? And you sit there like Norton, eating, fucking that's. I love.

[Joey Diaz]

I just.

[Lee Syatt]

And you know what, guys? I swear to my mercy, 9 out of 10 times I don't eat. But I just want to know if I can't sleep and I roll a joint and I go downstairs at 2 in the morning, when I go down to smoke that joint, I'm thinking about that. I already looked at the menu. I already know what I'm going to order. This is just kicking up those taste buds a little bit, you know what I'm saying?

[Unknown]

Dude, I know. I mean, you haven't been on the road that much in the last year or so. But I've been out. And like, not at shitty motel hotels. Even if they have restaurants, they're not usually open all night. There's almost nothing.

[Lee Syatt]

That's what I'm fucking saying to you. That's why I'd rather pick a hotel that has a late night.

[Unknown]

Right?

[Lee Syatt]

No, I Got what? Am I talking to my fucking selfie?

[Unknown]

No, I'm saying I know that's what you want, but I don't know how many of them you're gonna find.

[Lee Syatt]

Plus, you're not gonna find the. It's a W, Four Seasons, maybe a Marriott. But you gotta look at the fine print with the other hotels because they'll throw curveballs at you.

[Unknown]

What do they do?

[Lee Syatt]

It's like frozen pizza and shit like that. We have pizza, we have burritos, and you're like, oh. Then you get there. But let me tell you something. If there's anything I miss from la, it's a lot of food. But I could go for two of those frozen burritos from the bodega. Two of those bean and cheese.

[Unknown]

You mean 7 11? What are you talking about?

[Lee Syatt]

Not 7 11. Like one of those Mexican places, they had those little frozen burritos.

[Unknown]

I didn't know they had those.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah. Even the fucking fruit. Like the little. Yeah, yeah. A little meat, A little. I would never do the pork. And I ain't gonna lie to you. But it's so crazy how as a comic, as an entertainer, you think, wow, once I get up there, my life's gonna ease up. Fuck you. You gotta work harder. You gotta keep your eyes more open. You gotta watch more shit. And that's where the mental stress comes from. It's not just writing jokes anymore.

[Unknown]

Right?

[Lee Syatt]

You know when that agent calls you and says, hey, how you doing? Good. Listen, I got a great date for you. July 24th, 25th and 26th. And you're like, okay. And you take it and you get there and it's like, man, you should have been here last weekend. People were everywhere. This is Black Biker and Midget Parade weekend.

[Unknown]

And you're like, ooh, no one comes out that weekend.

[Lee Syatt]

You're saying, why did I come here? And then you don't know. So you don't even go, hold on one second, let me see if they have a direct flight, right? You don't know. You say, yeah already. They sign the thing and all of a sudden you're like, direct flight. You got to fly to Mongolia and then back to fucking Newark and then up to Canada. You know, you don't know these things, right? You get burnt like four or five times. Like, I'm not saying yes ever. I'll call you back in five minutes. I'm at a computer, I'm checking the hotels, I'm checking the late night menu, I'm checking the fucking Ubers. You have to check Everything. Because then they'll get you. Okay. And then you get there, that's an hour from the hotel. They're only paying you 500 bucks, right? It just costs you 75 each way. That's 150 out of $500. You don't know this shit. So there comes a time you have to check everything you learn, and then one day, you make a checklist. Fuck it. I'll call you back in 10 minutes, right? Why? Because I got to cover my bases, too. I'm not. I got to check to see if it's a midget funeral or some shit before I go to. Because if not, that's what. They keep saying that shit to you. Last week, the helicopters were dropping people off. There was people everywhere coming to the shows.

[Unknown]

And you're like, Meanwhile, you have 10 people at your show or something.

[Lee Syatt]

Eight people. And one of them is a half a midget.

[Unknown]

Yeah, it's. And because you were talking about, like, managers doing it for you. And, like, I know you were busy, and I know there's people who are very busy, but do you really think there's someone you're that busy that you can't book a flight? Like, I. That doesn't make sense to me like that. I couldn't. In the back of an Uber. And I know it's like, I can, but I don't want to. But that doesn't make.

[Lee Syatt]

Am I a control freak for doing that, or do I just want to know what I'm walking into?

[Unknown]

You.

[Lee Syatt]

I don't know what I'm walking into. What if all this shit.

[Joey Diaz]

If we go back and forth for two hours, I get up, I go.

[Lee Syatt]

To Newark, and you're like, no, it was LaGuardia, right?

[Unknown]

Yeah.

[Lee Syatt]

Do you follow all this shit? That's why I don't. Like, you want to do business, you call me. You want me to. You want to show me your titties? Text me. Okay. You want to say good morning? Text me. Anything business wise. Jump on the fucking call so there's no misunderstandings. Get on the fucking call.

[Joey Diaz]

Get on the call.

[Unknown]

But then. Do you ever worry people are gonna, like, say that you said something that you didn't, or they're gonna say they didn't say something.

[Lee Syatt]

Write it down. You have to take notes when you talk to these people. Do I have a hotel? No, confirmed. Okay. How far from the airport to the thing? Oh, it's about two hours. Is somebody gonna pick me up? No, don't even ask. Just assume. What time is the club manager gonna Pick me up.

[Unknown]

Got it?

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, well, we don't do that. No. Oh, shit. You don't. Okay, I got a text. And you don't because you want the gig. But then they'll keep doing that to you, and then the word gets out. Now you're half a fag. Now you're driving from airport to airport. So these are things I learned and I didn't care because I did comedy for nine years. But after nine years, I got into the Comedy Store. Once I got into the Comedy Store. Listen, here's the deal. I'll take the cheap payment, but you gotta take a little fucking care of me. I'm not up here playing a fucking violin or harmonica or putting a fucking wig on. I'm one of the Marines. I may not be a big timer today, but I'm gonna be somebody. So you wanna take care of me today, and that's what you have to tell these people. If not, you could sit at home and do the Comedy Cell, right? Or Stand or Gotham or whatever your home is. Once you're confident, you're like, what am I losing out on these idiots for?

[Unknown]

Was it hard to make the jump from, like, doing comedy and then, like, making it a business, like, to change that mindset?

[Lee Syatt]

No, because how many times can you get fucked in the ass?

[Unknown]

A lot.

[Lee Syatt]

You ever been jealous?

[Unknown]

Yes.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay. How old were you when you were jealous?

[Unknown]

Constantly.

[Lee Syatt]

Still? Till today.

[Unknown]

Yeah.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay. As a Spanish kid, when I was, like, in the sixth or seventh grade, I used to get so jealous I'd light curtains on fire and stupid shit like that.

[Unknown]

Okay, I never lit anything on fire, but.

[Lee Syatt]

And then I. And then I got that Cuban machismo to me, and I knew that wouldn't work in the real world. Like, I just knew it. So I had to lose those type of emotions for me to move forward as a man. You know, with comedy, you never really know. You never really know. But then again, I've always been a savage. I became a super savage when I got off the cocaine and I started looking at life, at, what the fuck are we doing? What is the most important thing at my age? Is it doing this? Is it doing that? No, it's trying to become a person, trying to get some money. Everybody has money in the bank. At 45, I had no money in the bank. I had $21 one day and be at 112 the next. Then I jump it up again to 3,000, 850 because I have to deposit my SAG checks in there. And then one day, my wife it was about five years in. My wife asked me to look at my schedule. And she goes, let me see your schedule. And she goes, why are you doing that gig? That one, that one. And she goes, I want you to cancel that, that, that, that, that. You're just killing yourself to live. It's not worth it. You have the Comedy Store. You always have the Comedy Store. You're doing these gigs, and some of them you make money, but you're losing money, right? Between the gas, your time, the drive, the tolls, you're losing money. And then I just applied it to everything. Movies, tv, life. It's a fucking discipline in a way where you. What's the most important thing to you, to me at the time, was becoming a great comic. So when you ask me to go to do something stupid, I don't have time for that.

[Unknown]

You mean stupid like people are wasting.

[Lee Syatt]

My time compared to what I could be doing at night, my daytime. I don't give a fuck what you. I'll do whatever you want in the daytime. But if it's between me getting on stage or me going to something that you and your friends are going to. To waste time even though you're a comic, and then I'm just waiting for you to come to me one day and go, man, my career. Ta, ta, ta, ta. But you had the time to go to a Yankee game and jump up and down three nights in a row for the World Series. Who gives a fuck? You could have watched it at home and done your spots. These guys were there that night watching the crowd. Now they're not. You know what I'm saying? I'm just saying the Yankees, I mean, anything.

[Unknown]

No, I totally get Yankees.

[Lee Syatt]

Anything like that was, like. It becomes a business. You know, I see these comics that think that they're gonna go on stage and say something so disgusting or so off color, they're gonna piss the audience off and walk out, okay, again. What's that expression? You won the war, but you lost a battle.

[Unknown]

Other way around.

[Lee Syatt]

You won the battle, but you lost the war, right? That's what you just did. This is a business. So why am I going up there and trying to piss my audience off, right?

[Unknown]

It's crazy when people do that, okay?

[Lee Syatt]

So there's all these things that you start looking at things and going, I'm getting too old for this dumb shit. Hold on. Let me cut my beard off and leave side chops and cut an eyebrow off. You could just be funny and write a joke, right? So after a while, you just learn how to trim the fat off, and then you trim it off for life. And that's when it gets fucking really fun. That's when it gets really fun.

[Unknown]

Why?

[Lee Syatt]

Because two nights ago, I was talking to George, and I sweat in my mother's grave on the way home. I go, I did the show on the 27th, and today's the 29th. I'm 62 years old, and I'm like, the rent is due. 62. I don't even pay rent. I pay state taxes. But in my mind, in my fucking mentality, it's Saturday night, the rent is due. I swear to God, it was between me watching the ufc. That's how my mentality is. Like, I was like, I got time to watch this shit. But I'm like, yeah, I got paid last night. You know what I'm saying? But in my mind, today I'm like, tomorrow, the rent is due. Chop, chop, motherfucker. Because Friday's the 4th, and what do you that means? It's a double banger. It's like Christmas and New Year's. You ain't got time. You ain't got time to bleed, bitch. Do you know what I'm saying? I mean, that's the truth. And George is talking to me about something. I go, rent is due on Tuesday, George. Right? And the conversation ended. That's it. That's all we need to talk about right now. The rent is due. You got the Yankees or not. You got the Red Sox. You got the over. Because everything else is nonsense. Everything else is nonsense.

[Unknown]

But look, and I'm not saying I disagree with you, but when you say that to people, I know people will say to you, yeah, but you got to live life. You got to go to a game.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, good, good. Let me know. Let me know when you plan your minimum payment on your credit card. And you could have been doing something, because there's nothing worse. I'm dealing with somebody right now who had a huge opportunity to do a ton of things, you know? And he's crying now. He's crying a lot because he wasted time. And there's nothing like wasting fucking time, okay? There's nothing and there's nothing worse than being my age and going, fuck, I should have took that job in 92. Right now I'm starving because I didn't take that job in 92. I made a mistake 30 years ago that I'm suffering for right now. And we all think we're cute. Yeah, I got a couple thousand in the bank. I'm going to take a Couple of days off, buy some drinks, get a hat, make believe I'm somebody I'm fucking not. And you come back and what happens? Your car explodes? Your fucking car explodes, or you lose the job. That goes you. And you lost your job because you can't get to your fucking. You can't get there unless you got a fucking Chinese guy you're going to whip in a rickshaw. Do you know what I'm saying? So now you're like that Shit, bro. I still think of shit. I still. That's why I take these fucking gigs. Because I don't want to be 65 and Mercy can't have a bicycle. And I'm like, fuck, they offered me Atlantic City. But I had an ego. There ain't no ego when you got a kid, right?

[Unknown]

There ain't no ego. You'd have to fuck up pretty bad for Mercy not to be able to.

[Lee Syatt]

How many times you go to a strip club and have those women fucking moms? They got a stretch mark, they got a half a titty. The drug dealer father stabbed them. They're there selling that ass. Do you think that's what they want to do?

[Joey Diaz]

No.

[Lee Syatt]

They grew up in 18 and going, I don't want to go to college. I want to be a stripper. And have some chubby guy named Joey stab me in the ass. You know, suck dick. No, but they had a kid, they made a mistake. And now they gotta make two mistakes.

[Unknown]

Got it?

[Lee Syatt]

You already fucked up with the kid. You let some guy, Horatio, you know. And now he's nowhere to be found, this little fuck, you know what I'm saying? He went back to Saudi Arabia, wherever.

[Unknown]

The fuck Horatio is from.

[Lee Syatt]

Saudi Arabia, Ice took him.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't fucking know.

[Lee Syatt]

With your luck, ICE will take you back. You know, you fall in love, everything is great. You meet at Hudson county park, the E. Corn.

[Joey Diaz]

And all of a sudden, I used.

[Lee Syatt]

To sell it to you and shit over there.

[Unknown]

Dude, you have a whole life invented for this couple.

[Lee Syatt]

That's Ice selling corn at Hudson county right now. I drove by, they got a little net that hid. Last time I was hiding there, it was when Bernard King was playing basketball at the courts. You can see him. They even have a sign now that says, come get the coin. That means that Ice is by that corn machine waiting like a motherfucker. They're in that fucking jungle, that little lake over there. Like Rambo in Part two when he came out of the mud and he stabbed the Russian in the neck.

[Unknown]

Ice is hiding in the mud, Dog.

[Lee Syatt]

You want to make a bonus? That's all you got to do is call ICE and go to Hudson county park on Sunday. They're all up there playing soccer. Just bring the big bus. Bring the big bus and shit. No, they don't play no more. Bocce. They took the court down. No, it's over. They don't play bocce no more. It was on Bergen Line. They took. They could. They took it off. Yeah. Fucking 15 years ago. Where you been? Across the street from Jan. Michael Vincent. From Vincent. Bicycles. Get it together, George. Come on. We're here today. We're live. It's fucking wherever the fuck we are. But, yeah, that's it. They're hiding in Hudson County. I saw them today. They're in the trees. They got the Subarus down on the edge.

[Unknown]

Why were you hiding in the park?

[Lee Syatt]

Huh?

[Unknown]

Why were you hiding in the park?

[Lee Syatt]

Different purposes.

[Unknown]

I can't believe you're driving around just like I'm reminiscing about. Oh, I was hiding in that.

[Lee Syatt]

I don't want to go to jail. But I've been driving around looking for ice. I see where they're going to be this week. They're going to be down by me. So I went for a little ride today looking for one of my favorite.

[Unknown]

Testing.

[Lee Syatt]

Ice.

[Unknown]

I'm not texting them no testing.

[Lee Syatt]

I'm. I want to see them in action. I want to see how they do it.

[Unknown]

What if they pulled you over?

[Lee Syatt]

I got a beard and a funny disguise and a driver's license that says fucking Chad Johnson. Chad Ochocite.

[Unknown]

Oh, my God. That's crazy.

[Lee Syatt]

But you know what, man? We haven't discussed what we experienced Thursday and Friday nights. We had a nice. Listen, man. I didn't have the set I wanted to have. But everything else was so fucking great. Our families met. We had eight different families there, 22 different generations. You know, it was just. I would have had food if I would have known. I would have had a nice catered afterwards. Some ziti next time. Now we know what a fucking great theater dude you did. Really? Greatly.

[Unknown]

Well, thank. I appreciate. I didn't feel like I had the set because. Let's back up for people who don't know. He did Prudential. Well, Thursday. We always have a great time at the dojo.

[Lee Syatt]

J Pack. We did the dojo Thursday as a walnut with warm up. Yeah, a walnut, a warm up. Which is always. It's a great little room.

[Unknown]

Oh, yeah.

[Lee Syatt]

You know, everybody has a good time. He puts out food. You know, I forget what his name.

[Unknown]

Is it always Mike at the dojo.

[Lee Syatt]

Mike Dojo. That's his name on my phone. Mike Dojo. So.

[Unknown]

But Friday is what we were talking about. We did Prudential hall at NJ Pack, which.

[Lee Syatt]

Hold on, hold on.

[Unknown]

I'm sorry.

[Lee Syatt]

Thursdays are something special over there. Oh, dude, it was something very nice over there. It's gonna be hot in the summer. You know, I'm getting the surgery for you guys who keep saying, why does Joey have a band aid? Every week I get three people. Why do you have a band aid? Because it doesn't fit on my asshole.

[Joey Diaz]

How's that?

[Lee Syatt]

I got an extra band aid. I got a. No, because I got a fucking thing in my ear. So tomorrow, July 1st, they're going to rip it out, shoot Botox in my ear to kill the hair underneath that's all infected. Then they're going to fucking take skin off my leg. No, they're going to stitch it. So this side's going to be a little pulled up. So this eye's been fucked up. This side, it's going to be like I'm thinking about suicide.

[Unknown]

Curious.

[Lee Syatt]

But I haven't written the letter yet. You know what I'm saying?

[Unknown]

The early stages.

[Lee Syatt]

So that's fucking tomorrow for you people who are concerned about Uncle Joey and his aging little heart. My heart's fucking great shape. Even Whoop. Has been sending me messages that my resting heartbeat is going down, that my cardiovascular is off the system. It is. I'll tell you guys later. I can't brag here because people want to karate chop me and shit.

[Unknown]

That's awesome.

[Lee Syatt]

And then next Thursday, they're going to yank out this tooth, this tooth and this tooth and this cocaine thing. So this is going to be out of commission for the whole weekend of the 11th. That's why I'm going to see Theo on the 9th in Philadelphia because that's my last rah rah night. Then Thursday there's jiu jitsu guys coming in to do a seminar. So at first I thought it was Thursday, the 10th, but it works out. It's July 11th, so they're going to rip this tooth out these. And they're going to put a set of braces like jelly roll for like a month. And then in September, they're going to put this row in. And then in like November, they're going to put this row in a teeth. And by December I could eat spare ribs.

[Unknown]

Congratulations. Are you looking forward to it?

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, yeah. I've been counting the days. I can't wait till they shoot needles in my mouth. And stitches and, you know, blood. And the guy's yanking because this is a 62 year old molar. This ain't coming out with like a little ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. No, this is like the guy wears a helmet. He's got like a tow truck and they put it on there and they got to keep numbing it. Pull. And it's like fucking pull. What's those two fags in the movie about? Social media. Facebook. Oh, the little bite. The whatever twins. The bopsy twins.

[Unknown]

The bopsy twins.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, that's me. So that's that poor little. He's a little Russian guy. He's like 5 foot 2. He's gonna have a hell of a day. And I'm gonna put the seatbelt on to fuck with him. He's gonna have his foot on my neck. I cannot do this. Yeah, keep pushing, Bruno. Keep pushing.

[Joey Diaz]

Boris.

[Unknown]

Oh my God.

[Lee Syatt]

So that's July 11th. So I got a softball tournament that week. I don't even think I'm going down. I'm just gonna wrestle like a fucking thing on my head. And then I'm just gonna recuperate for a few weeks and then we come back in August, like herpes. Bam would be nice and hot. We'll do a couple of pop up shows and then we're ready for fucking Philly the 27th. And then we pop on on a fucking flight. I talk to some people, I'm talking to some people, you know what I'm saying? They're going to take us right to Fort Lauderdale, drop us off with a helicopter.

[Unknown]

No way.

[Lee Syatt]

Get dropped off in parachutes.

[Unknown]

Oh, am I going to have, am I going to have like the Israeli flag on my parachute?

[Lee Syatt]

He's getting six parachutes. One of them is not going to open. We already know that. You can't kill a Jew in this climate.

[Unknown]

You know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syatt]

It's gotta be something like an Argentinian. We gotta bring somebody else for this.

[Unknown]

Why does someone have to die?

[Lee Syatt]

Because. Why make it fun? It's like Randy Rhodes, you know what I'm saying? Somebody died. Now we gotta do the comedy show. Depressed? No, no, it's just. I'm just fucking with you guys. I know. And I don't know the exact dates for the other gigs. I know it's sometime in November. We have two shows in one month, but it's like Virginia and Maryland. I know, it's. I don't know, Harrah's maybe. Why am I lying to Poor people, they're sitting there taking notes going, where are you traveling to? I have no idea right now. I got Philadelphia and Fort Lauderdale. That is it, Jack. And I'm happy about that.

[Unknown]

I tuned up.

[Lee Syatt]

Listen, man, I'm trying my fucking hardest. And it's so weird how after the show, like on the way home, all the material I forgot just miraculously started blowing out of my ass. Like, you know, it's such a fucking mind fuck. And you and I were talking about this morning how I was going, doing great for like 22 minutes and I was still stepping on my lines. I'm like, God damn it, why am I fucking doing this? This line belongs to this joke. I was rushing, I didn't know what I was doing. And you know what? But I still had a great time. I felt the heart from those people and I tried to give it back, you know, listen, that's all you could do as a stand up comet.

[Unknown]

So we like you. You skipped to like the end. We didn't talk at all. Like. It was a great fucking dude. First of all, Prudential hall was beautiful and like the whole like.

[Lee Syatt]

Is it Prudential hall or njpac?

[Unknown]

The NJPAC is like the group and there's rooms within njpac and the room we were in was called Prudential Hall. It was a 28 and 8, 28, 60 something, 20.

[Lee Syatt]

I mean, I didn't expect to see all those people. I ain't gonna lie to you, dude.

[Unknown]

I didn't.

[Lee Syatt]

Those tears of people going up and.

[Unknown]

Up, I didn't even see that.

[Lee Syatt]

I hope nobody jumps off this because yeah, there was four tears. That's a lot of seats. And I'm poor. Listen, I'm fortunate it was in my backyard. There was a lot of New Jersey support in there that night. A lot of love from Jersey people. And I thank him with all my heart. You know, my daughter got to watch it. That picture you sent me, that's a.

[Unknown]

Great picture of her watching it.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, her like enthused watching it. I looked at it. I'm like, Jesus Christ, dude.

[Unknown]

I can't tell you a knowing you for so long. Knowing her since she was a kid. Like how cool it was just as. And Terry, Terry being there too. But even just like to know what you've done with mercy and likes to. Because she's come to a few shows and she always has a lot of fun and so like, yeah, oh yeah.

[Lee Syatt]

She always.

[Unknown]

I like when she came on stage, I grabbed her like, you can stand right here. And she, she Just loved it.

[Lee Syatt]

When I was a kid, my mom had that bar. And when I first got to McKinley, you know, I was like, one of the only Cuban kids. And on Fridays, you're supposed to do the Ecology Club. After school was supposed to go to the Ecology Club, and the other half would have to go to George, the place in Union City that you wanted me to play across from the Four Star Diner. But what's the Catholic school that's back there? There's like a Catholic something back there. There was a church. I think they had Larry McNeil's father there. But behind there there was a catechism. So either you had to go to that or.

[Unknown]

Or ecology class.

[Lee Syatt]

What were we talking about? Yeah, I forget. Oh. So on Fridays, I would go to my mother's bar after catechism, and I would always bring three kids, and my mother would always go, let them sit at the bar and give them a Coke with a cherry in it. I still talk to two of those kids today, and every time at the end of the conversation, they're like, dog, I still remember going up to your mother's bar and sitting at the bar with grown people and feeling like an adult for fucking 10 minutes. I remember walking out of there and going home. Dean Lapreet told me he went home. He used to go home and beat up his brother because he was just out of fucking principle. I would go home and light him up because I felt like a man. And that's the same thing. You give them that little window of them feeling like an adult that not even an adult. She knows. She's a young woman. She knows it. They give her that feeling just for two or three hours. Then we take it back from her. But she remembers that. She's like, dog, I was out. People were drinking. I smelled reefer. You know, she's not fucking stupid. And I don't want her to be raised. I want her to know what this shit is.

[Unknown]

Right? And I. There is a part of that, but I also think, like, she was just so proud of you. Like, she just likes seeing you do your shit. Yeah, she feels like an adult. But I think she. It's like, also like, you know, she's my daughter. Yeah.

[Lee Syatt]

I didn't want to hide anything from her. Listen, you don't want to hide shit from your fucking kids because you're going to pay for it later on, and they're going to come at you and go, why don't you ever tell me? And, okay, you don't lose the relationship. But somewhere along the line, they're like, why wouldn't you tell me about something like that, right? Were you scared? Were you ashamed? Were you? So I wanted to know the truth, the truth and nothing but the truth. When she told me she was talking to her girlfriend on the phone and she whipped out my book and read the first paragraph to her little 12 year old friend and they both started fucking crying. They had to close the book up. That's. I don't mind. I don't mind. She knows. She's so retarded though. When we got home that night, she goes, she said something to my wife, we're eating the muffins. And she said to my wife, when I get older, I'm not going to drink cocaine. And meanwhile, what?

[Unknown]

Just out of nowhere? That's fantastic.

[Lee Syatt]

She's like, yeah, when I get old, I'm never going to drink cocaine. And we're like, okay, then drink cocaine. You know what I'm saying?

[Unknown]

What do you say to that?

[Lee Syatt]

You just. They took something from it.

[Unknown]

From what?

[Lee Syatt]

They just. I'm going to tell you the creepiest story, guys. I never told none of you motherfuckers. I went to PS166, but around the corner when I was growing up was Pao Went on 88th street in Amsterdam. And you signed up and some of them taught you how to box. You shot pool, they taught you how to smoke cigarettes. Didn't matter if you were five or six. But one of the earliest things they did was they took us to a trip to the police station. This is when they cared about the kids in the precinct. And what they did was, was they showed you what a cop did. So as you got older, you were their friend. Why don't they do that today to save fucking $10?

[Unknown]

Do they not do that anymore?

[Lee Syatt]

No. Why would they bring a kid to a police station and show them what happens when you go to jail and let them get fingerprinted. Put them in the fucking holding tank, give them a holding lunch with the old salami.

[Unknown]

Oh, I didn't get a lunch.

[Lee Syatt]

When they're six or seven and then let them ask stupid fucking questions. You don't want to scare them straight. But we were so young and the world was different. They let you shoot a.22.

[Unknown]

No, they did not.

[Lee Syatt]

Into a fucking target. And you took the target home with you, Dog, I'll never forget this shit. They also gave you like a Junior G man badge. But they also did a thing about drugs. At the time, I knew my godfather smoked weed. And you know, they're like, if you know anybody who smokes pot, turn them in. And I'm like, I'm fucking turning my guy for you. Fucking kidding me. So I went home with my mom. I showed my mom the fingerprints and shit. She goes, what'd they teach you? I talked about drugs and pot. She goes, did you say anything? I go, no, no, no. I just. And like, two days later, that bitch showed up with a fucking baggage. And she had coke, she had weed, she had pills and a little bit of brown heroin. And she goes, this is what they look like. If you want to know, just so you know, just so nobody else could tell you. Otherwise, this is what it looks like. If you have any questions, ask them now. And I was like, no. And she took them away. And that was it. But it took that damn. Because I was going to be at a bar all the time with her. She owned the bar, so she didn't want you sitting there fucking like a goofball, you know, because you hear things. Unless you're deaf as a child, right? You hear things. You hear, you know, little things as you get older. They talk without the door being closed. You know, they do certain things that now you hear things and now you can't explain them in your head.

[Unknown]

Especially with, like, the Internet these days, you can't really hide anything from kids.

[Lee Syatt]

No. And you. You gotta listen. When that little girl told me that she knew about my other daughter, when she told my wife. My wife fucking ran upstairs and called me right away, and she's like. She said she's known for three or four years, five years, and never said nothing.

[Unknown]

Did she just save it for, like, the right moment?

[Lee Syatt]

That's even the creepiest thing I've ever heard in my life.

[Unknown]

That's fantastic.

[Lee Syatt]

And I asked her, she said, I heard you on the phone one time, and I went online and looked it up, and there she was. And I've been to places where people pop up the picture and they'll go, is that mercy? And I just look at them and go, no, no, no, no. That's a little girl I bumped into 20 years ago. And she would sit there and see that picture for her not to say nothing. So she knows, and I wanted her to know. Why are you hiding this shit from your kids for? I can't tell everything. Like, I'm not gonna show a fucking dildo. She's 12. I mean, on the way home, I asked her if she wanted to go to the strip club.

[Unknown]

On the way home from what, the show?

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah. I asked her Both nights. You want to listen? I know the bartender. I'll give her 50 bucks. Just go in there, look around, look at the women, and decide right now what you want to do with your life. And she was like, dad, I already know what they do at a strip club. That's what kids remember. They're not going to remember all the other shit. They remember shit like that when they're at a bar and their stupid friends. Like, my dad once smoked a vapor. Listen, you know what I'm saying? Let me tell you about this motherfucker I lived with, you know? And that's where they, you know, talk their shit.

[Unknown]

Yeah.

[Lee Syatt]

Nobody wants a dad that's a fag. You know what I'm saying? Nobody wants a dad that's a fag. What'd your dad do? He played with Legos. Yeah. You know, he was a dad. Did he ever bang Mom? Did you ever hear. Did you ever see your mom come out of the bedroom with a wig off, turned. I told Mercy, like, two years ago, I go, mercy, you think I should give Mommy some love? And tonight. And she goes, as long as I don't have a sibling the next day.

[Unknown]

Oh, my God, that's wild.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, dog, I'm not in that. Because the world is quick and you don't want your kid getting fucked. I remember being a kid and people telling me, do you come yet? And I'm like, seven. And they're like, you don't come yet? And I'm like, no, what is that? And they're like, stuff comes out of your dick. You can write your name on it for years. That fucked with me. I'm like, I can't wait to be 13 to write income, my name on the wall. I couldn't even write a letter. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Disgusting. But this is the shit older kids tell you. And now you believe that shit.

[Unknown]

Oh, yeah. Especially.

[Lee Syatt]

And now you gotta say it one day in front when you're 13. Yeah, I came on the wall, and everybody listening like, shut the fuck up, you idiot. And now, next thing you know, you're on the B team. You know what I'm saying?

[Unknown]

Right?

[Lee Syatt]

They move you down. Listen, you can hang out with us no more. So you get your shit together.

[Unknown]

Sent down to the minors.

[Lee Syatt]

That's it.

[Unknown]

Holy shit.

[Lee Syatt]

It's tough, man. But.

[Unknown]

And do you see her, like, not falling for shit her friends are falling for? Like, do you see, like, the fruits of your labors?

[Lee Syatt]

Yes. No. Yes. She won't listen to me. Like, when I start Going off like. She watches Friends and she knows I hate that fucking show, so anytime I can piss on Friends, I'll do it. And she just shakes that. But she won't quit watching Friends and I respect her for that. She won't go, yeah, dad, it sucks. Fuck no. She's in there and when I knock on the door, she's like, what are you doing, Friends? I'm like, jesus Christ, close the door, dad. That's it. That's it. Yeah. Like, I say shit to her. She knows, man. They all know. We all knew. Our parents did creepy things we might not even remember. You know, your dad was a creeper Zoid. That motherfucker had Playboys in the basement. He. He hit him inside pizza cans. And I.

[Unknown]

But I didn't know back then. But, like, now I like looking back. I can. I remember smelling weed through the. Yeah, the heating vents.

[Lee Syatt]

That's it. You didn't see none of his pornography collection? One of his little boy collection or nothing? His little Diddy collection?

[Unknown]

There was no Diddy collection. But, yeah, there were some VHS tapes.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, everybody, that's it. Did you ever pop one in it?

[Unknown]

Of course. I would rewind it back to where it was.

[Lee Syatt]

Did you get a woody and stuff? Your face get all red and shit.

[Unknown]

The red face, probably, but my face is usually red, but I have no idea. Yeah, it was my introduction to. It was VHS tapes.

[Lee Syatt]

That's why I don't. Like. I'm always home when she gets home from school. I watch her come in. I sit outside or I sit close, so I watch her come in. So I see what she looks like when she comes in. And then I feed her and then she does whatever the fuck she wants. But I always thought that my worst times, when I would come home and look around, the shit you found, that's the worst thing for a kid. I used to find the creepiest things and then go, what the fuck? And then it's your fault for looking.

[Unknown]

But, like, do you also monitor, like, what she does online? Like, do you see her history and stuff?

[Lee Syatt]

Her mother does more than monitor online. Her mother does. I don't know what I'm doing right.

[Unknown]

But someone's looking at it.

[Lee Syatt]

But I fucking talk to her a lot. And I talk to her about the video games. Has anybody spoken to you? She's already told me about a situation that happened to her. So we're good. We're good. We're good. You know, I don't want to. I don't know what I'm doing on There. I don't even know she plays Roadblocks.

[Unknown]

Yeah, that can get creepy.

[Lee Syatt]

One of those. I don't know. I don't even know if it's Roadblocks. That's one of them. And they're all creepy. But we know a guy, remember, you met him, the guy in L. A. That made games. So before she downloads a game, my wife calls him, and he'll tell my wife whether the game is good for her to watch or shitty for her to watch. It's a fucking great deal. So nice.

[Unknown]

That's awesome. It was great. It was great to see Terry, too. It was just. He was so happy. And, yeah, the show was awesome. It took me, like, a minute, like, because I've heard from comics on podcasts talk about, like, in bigger rooms like, that, that, like, the sound comes back at you in a way. And it was like, I've done theaters with you. Like, the sound just came back, like, echoey a little bit. And it was. It took me a few minutes in my set, and then, like, towards the middle, I really started to have a lot of fun.

[Lee Syatt]

You got loose to see a lot of people like that. It's like when you walk into a club, you will go. You park in New York City. You're like, oh, my God, let's get to the club Nikki. And you walk, and also you turn and there's a fucking line of 800 people. You're like. And also it takes your breath away. Just the energy there goes. And. And you go, oh, my God. You're like, what do you want to do? And all of a sudden you get irritated, right? Don't you get irritated right away. What do you want to do? You want to wait on this line? I don't know. Where's my friend Sebastian? Sebastian is nowhere to be found.

[Unknown]

But to be honest with you, I don't know if it was just because we came in the back. I didn't see anybody. A couple people beeped at me as I was walking up, but that's it. I don't think I looked up because you. I don't normally look up at, like, a comedy show. Nick put up a Instagram story today of, like, the four tiers. I swear to my mother's life, I didn't know there were four tears.

[Lee Syatt]

You think I fucking knew?

[Unknown]

I didn't look.

[Lee Syatt]

I didn't know. Were you there when the guy came in? He goes, would you like to look at our theater? And I'm like, nope. Oh, I wanted to put all this craftsmanship. He Goes, you want all this craftsmanship? I know. I don't want to shit my pants. Now I start judging and pre. What's that called? Where you pre.

[Unknown]

Right.

[Lee Syatt]

You don't need to see shit. You just got to be funny, right? You want to see something like, Cubans say, no way or not.

[Unknown]

But it was. It was so cool. Like, yeah, everyone there was so cool.

[Lee Syatt]

All that. Listen, when I spoke to Lee this morning, we spoke about 9:30. I had an appointment at 10:30, and we spoke about all the variables. We spoke about. I forgot the material, the sound, the feedback. There was some other thing we discussed. And at the end of the day, I just wasn't prepared. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, it was two weeks. I had done a set the night before. I was still gonna come up with, like, 20 new minutes of material. Obviously, it didn't fucking work. I had a substitute to the B shit. But at the end of the day, it's you. I hate when comics say that. Well, the echo, it goes back. Who gives a fuck? You know? I'm saying, just do your shit.

[Unknown]

No. Yeah, I def. I got used to it. I also. I think.

[Lee Syatt]

Lee, you did great.

[Unknown]

Well, thank you. I. We. It was a. It was a great show. Aaron Berg killed. He's so fucking.

[Lee Syatt]

Did you go out there and look at the theater before you went out there?

[Unknown]

No.

[Lee Syatt]

Beautiful. And I wouldn't let you. We're from that old school. You need to see nothing.

[Unknown]

No.

[Lee Syatt]

Like the Cubans said, no way. Now, esse cooler. That means don't see nothing. Look at your ass. You want to see something? Look at your ass. Don't see nothing.

[Unknown]

But it's. And I know. I know what you're saying. I'm not. Because I hate when you think you didn't have a good show and people try to convince you you did, but it looked like you were having a lot of fun out there for the whole time, Dog.

[Lee Syatt]

I'm leaving the house saying to myself that I dug like, three, five years ago, before the pandemic. What was fucking me up so much was I was going up there and saying, I can't fail. That was the wrong attitude. It was, go up there, have fun, and fuck em in the ear. What's that? Fuck em in the other ear. What movie is that? Fuck em in the ear. Fuck em in the other ear. Goodfellas or one of those stupid movies. My point is that Stand up is about going up there, eating an edible, smoking some dope, whatever sets you loose. If it's A cocktail if it's good.

[Unknown]

That's really a line from Goodfellas. I thought that was a joke, you.

[Lee Syatt]

Know, I mean, gosh, stand up. At the end of the day, you're supposed to go up there, you know, go in, like. I mean, the back. The true attitude. If you're getting more than a hundred dollars a show for doing an hour, right? Let's say you're getting 300 a show for doing an hour. Your attitude is you're going up there and you're like some idiot. I mean, that's the joke. That's why as you're walking to the stage, there should be nothing on your mind. You got to say two things to yourself. And it's funny. Some people are going to take it the wrong way because they take everything the wrong way way. But, like, when you're getting 500 a show on a Tuesday or whatever, you're like this fucking idiot, you know, they're paying me $500 to do something I would do for free, right? Or pay to do when you do stand up. Basically, they're paying you for the gas, the tolls. That's who you're paying for. When you get there, you're like, they want to pay me how much to do this stupid shit? I'll go up there and fucking flip around and blow bottle rockets out of my ass. I. As long as you're having fun, the audience is gonna have fun, right? Right or wrong. Now at a different level, I'm walking out there going, I can't believe these 2,000 people showed up. They actually paid. Like, you have to, like, be happy on the way up there. Like, somebody's finally paying you. For 18 years, you had to bring four people, an organ player, go up at midnight, wait a year for a check. You know what I'm saying? And now, for once, what do you have to be fucking sad about? And I think that sometimes with comedy or in life, it's how you look at the situation. Because I was the king of that shit. It's how you. I used to go to the doctor, scared I'm gonna get a needle in my arm. On the whole way there. You're just building up fear and anxiety. By the time I get there, my hands would be. They would put fucking paper towels in both my hands. Now I go to the doctor, like, I'm gonna torture the fucking chick who takes blood out of me or something. But it's not the fear, you know? Like before I go on stage, I told Nik Nick a joke before I went Up. I did the joke. It was the dumbest joke in the world about Carvel. Mr. Softies. My neighborhood is so boring. Mr. Softies stopped coming. That's what you're supposed to be doing. You know why? Cause I was. I right, and I was giggling at myself. I'm looking at you with the Auschwitz feet, and I'm dying of laughter. But that's what it is, right? It's the attitude. It's not like I'm gonna go up there and my sound is gonna ricochet. Who gives a. I don't need to hear. I just need to watch him laughing. I don't need to hear nothing.

[Unknown]

Right?

[Lee Syatt]

I want to hear my boring jokes. What I want to hear them for. I can talk to myself all day, right?

[Unknown]

But that's. That's why it's like. And you have to be hard on yourself, but you're being. People had a good. A really good time at the show.

[Lee Syatt]

And that's all that matters. Yeah. On the way home, I thought about that also, and I saw those people. I saw the people that came in the back. There was a lot of people in the back I never met before. Gino's daughters, I never knew them before. They were like, your nephew just went to meet with my dad. And I'm like, he's here. And I showed him to him. I don't know if you saw them. I never met these people before, but I could see the look on their face. My friend Gabby, her niece came. I thought the tickets were for her. And she goes, no, I have to give him my license. So she gave the niece her license. They let her in. I didn't know a lot of those people, but I could see that they were happy. Gabby's called me three fucking times and said she went backstage, Joe, you let her in. I go, yeah, those are the passes, you know? So that's what you look at.

[Unknown]

And, dude, it's like. Because even if you have, like, a good set, like a B or B plus, A minus, there's always gonna be, like, a better setter or a better. It could have gone better, but that doesn't mean, like, you know, that it wasn't good or people. Because you. Yeah, but you. You also. You said you wanted to do jokes. You didn't do. You say that every time you go on stage. You also always say, I have nothing. I don't know what I'm gonna say.

[Lee Syatt]

To these people until I get up there and start milking the vein.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't know shit.

[Lee Syatt]

And, dude, there's times I have to watch you guys and go, oh, fuck. Like, thank God Aaron Burr goes up before me sometimes. He'll say something about his kid, and I go, let you go. I could now I remembered that. And I do that at the dojo on purpose to get my memory going. It's a discipline. It's an exercise to get your coconut fucking thinking. But when I'm in front of 2800 people, there's no exercising. There's executing.

[Unknown]

Right.

[Lee Syatt]

Big fucking difference. You see what I'm saying? So that's what I meant. I'm mad that I got stuck.

[Unknown]

Do you think you got. You went to something you were more confident? Like, I know, like, the jokes you did were new jokes, but, like.

[Lee Syatt]

I forgot everything late. I forgot shit that I could go to that's very, like, New Jersey ish. I forgot a ton of shit, man.

[Unknown]

Happens all the time.

[Lee Syatt]

I know it does. And, you know, people go, well, you need to stop smoking reefer. No, I'm gonna smoke more reefer from now on. So, you guys, where are you this week anyway for the 4th of July? What are you gonna do for the 4th?

[Unknown]

It's my uncle's 80th birthday. I'm going back to Boston for a couple days.

[Lee Syatt]

Well, comedy up there.

[Unknown]

And I reached out for another week, but not this week.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, say, can you see where you got any fireworks? What are we doing for the fort?

[Unknown]

Yeah, we're going to watch.

[Lee Syatt]

Getting all those Israeli fireworks. They go boom, boom. They go. Not what, just boom. They go boom, boom, boom, boom. Two times. You don't get any of those.

[Unknown]

Not. Not yet.

[Lee Syatt]

Not the face of Netanyahu on it.

[Unknown]

No, no, no, no. Netanyahu bombs.

[Lee Syatt]

I have no idea what I'm doing for the Fourth of July. We were gonna go to the city, but there's too many Jews in the city for the fort. That's got to scare you a little bit, you know what I'm saying? That's why I'm leaving Boston, huh?

[Unknown]

Yeah.

[Lee Syatt]

Who knows? I don't want to be in a building, we get bombed or a helicopter goes into it or something, and then.

[Unknown]

You'Re all glass half full kind of guy.

[Lee Syatt]

What?

[Unknown]

Glass half full? Why is all this terrible things gonna happen.

[Lee Syatt]

It's the 4th of July. People go crazy, people angry. New York's got that new primary mayor. People are mad about that. If you got property in New Jersey, kick your mother out because you're about to make millions. If your mother lives in the basement, tell her, bitch, it's time to Go Jack. You know what I'm saying? We're making millions. I'll buy you a little hut in South Jersey once the smoke clears. We're making big money in North Jersey now.

[Unknown]

Why?

[Lee Syatt]

Because that guy, if he wins, all those people, if Jack Cittarelli, the Republican, wins as governor, all those people are going to move to northern New Jersey.

[Unknown]

Damn.

[Lee Syatt]

Big money. You know what I'm saying? Everybody want to be doing a podcast. We'll open up an office. Some bitches.

[Unknown]

What are the bitches going to do?

[Lee Syatt]

Whatever you want them to do. Help your girlfriend with the muffins. Listen, who would you eat a muffin from? A topless chick that gave you a muffin? Or some scotch at all from Starbucks with sunglasses and green hair? You know what I'm saying? That's what you need in your life.

[Unknown]

It's a real easy choice.

[Lee Syatt]

Would you like soy milk? Yeah, in my ass. That's what I want. Soy milk. All right, well, no fucking soy milk. I want the real McCoy.

[Unknown]

But who goes to a topless place to get a muffin?

[Lee Syatt]

Well, that's what we're gonna find out. Wouldn't you like to go to a topless muffin coffee place tomorrow? They got em in Florida. Topless coffee.

[Unknown]

Do they really have coffee?

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, yeah. You pull out that seems like it's.

[Unknown]

Way too hot to be topless around.

[Lee Syatt]

What?

[Unknown]

What if they spilled on themselves?

[Lee Syatt]

Who gives a the titties? You know what I'm saying? You take them. You take them to Texas and you get them rebranded. That's where the fake tit was invented. They got a lucchese company, like the Boot company in Nashville. Italians, they got one down there for your titties.

[Unknown]

Really?

[Lee Syatt]

Remember titties were invented at the University of Texas?

[Unknown]

I didn't know that.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, Doug, you know, what are we doing here? What the. Great movie.

[Unknown]

This is a real thing.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah. What, Austin or Dallas? Yes.

[Joey Diaz]

Big money Dallas.

[Lee Syatt]

Big titties.

[Joey Diaz]

Big money. Big titties.

[Lee Syatt]

Everybody went nuts and everybody in the club getting tipsy. So that's where the fake tit was invented.

[Unknown]

I learned something every week on this podcast.

[Lee Syatt]

That's what these podcasts and comedy routines are about. You always go home with a haha and a hehe and a fucking A mental note like, I didn't know that titties were whatever. And down there. Yeah, I don't know what I'm gonna do for the fourth. I don't want to sit at home. I don't feel like driving three and a half hours either. Having to drive back on fucking Sunday morning and stop at Celiac Cruz. Fucking that's my favorite. I go in there and get the Nathan's hot dog with the french fries. And they have a. The coconut ice that you pop in the little thing, right? Tremendous.

[Unknown]

But like I was just gonna ask. You don't want to do like a grill, like put hot dogs and hamburgers.

[Lee Syatt]

How old are we now? How many fucking hamburgers? Not dog. We just had the best hot dogs gonna have. I'm gonna sit there at somebody's house with some half fucking shitty hot dogs. They're ballpark oh my fucking excited. They're not Georgie dogs, you know what I'm saying? Cause you ain't got that type of class.

[Unknown]

That's true.

[Lee Syatt]

You know. And they want to make you those scotchard meatballs, those scotchard fucking hamburgers where they don't put no seasoning in it. I don't want to do that again. Then potato salad. I don't want to do that again. Well, happy fourth of July, everybody. It's a good Friday now.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm bored.

[Lee Syatt]

Saturday and Sunday scratching my balls. I don't want to do that shit.

[Unknown]

Would you ever bring your own food to a barbecue? Like if you knew someone's food style?

[Lee Syatt]

Oh yeah, if I knew somebody's anti professional. You show up with your own shit, you know what I'm saying? If I know George is going to be there with American cheese slices from Kraft, right? You got to show up with something. George thinks I'm going to let him forget, that that's when he'll be on his tombstone. This showed up to a barbecue with Long Island Italians with craft slices. The ones that you remove once. Then he wonders why they don't invite him back.

[Unknown]

Those aren't bad though.

[Lee Syatt]

If you're a communist if you're in prison, not if you're in Liberty, not if you believe in freedom, you know what I'm saying?

[Unknown]

And let me ask you this, Joey. What year was this cheese transgression?

[Lee Syatt]

Like about five years ago, Six years ago.

[Unknown]

Oh, okay. I thought it was when you were in your 20s.

[Lee Syatt]

No, that's why he got dumped.

[Unknown]

Five or six.

[Lee Syatt]

He showed up with American cheese in front of her family. They were old school Italian. That's it. They pulled her aside. You got to give them walking papers 90 days. They love them.

[Unknown]

But for cheese, that's up, bro.

[Lee Syatt]

They've let people go for less. Old school Italian people don't around, dog. There's some you just can't show up with. That's what I'm trying to. Always costing you.

[Unknown]

Could you get like, if, like, let's say he went to the deli and got like nice sliced American cheese. Like they sliced it for him.

[Lee Syatt]

First of all, he should have showed up with nice fresh sliced cheese. And also he knows he should have showed up with mozzarella and some nice pepperoni bread or whatever the. But they don't have that there. And. Yeah. So you bring a little cheese, but you dope it up a little bit. A little bit. Mozzarella, nice. With the ball. With the salt water.

[Unknown]

Right.

[Lee Syatt]

With the mozzarella pimple water. Right.

[Unknown]

You can't. You. And I love you, George, but you can't bring. This is making more sense. Like a package of American cheese slices instead of like a ball of mozzarella. Okay. I thought you were making.

[Lee Syatt]

Unless. Unless your neighbors. Unless your neighbor's friend is Chad fucking, you know, Truthy. Yeah. Wow. You got. You can't.

[Unknown]

I don't even know. That's a knife, George. That's. That's a rough one.

[Lee Syatt]

Yes. I'll throw you off for less. I swear to God, man. She got no gigs this weekly. Just tomorrow.

[Unknown]

I have Tonight. Yeah, tonight. Yeah, tonight or when this comes out.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay. And where you at tonight?

[Unknown]

The comic strip at 8 o' clock.

[Lee Syatt]

It's a showcase.

[Unknown]

Yes.

[Lee Syatt]

Go down there and support Lee, say at tomorrow night at the Comic Strip. And let me tell you something else, ladies and gentlemen. This week is the 4th of July. With what's been going on lately in the fucking world, make it the best 4th of July. You know, put your fucking Nazi helmet on and get ready because some deep shit might happen, or then again, something might not happen. But the only thing that's supposed to happen is we're supposed to be the best Americans that we could fucking ever be. And that's all you could do. Me, I don't vote, but I pay taxes. I pay taxes on reefer. I do all the right things. I don't jaywalk. You know, I do all the right things. I did my crime, I did my time. I paid my debt to society. And what do you want from me? I got a warrant in Seattle, but fuck that, that was 30 years ago and I never got in trouble again. So who won that fucking dog fight?

[Joey Diaz]

Hello.

[Lee Syatt]

Anyway, happy 4th of July to you and your families. Appreciate the liberties that you have. Why are you at home watching stupid fucking games and getting ready for the Jets? Who gives a fucking. Go out there and be a fucking American. That's it. Trump is helping You. He's cleaning out the country. He's helping you. Now you got no more excuses.

[Joey Diaz]

Why would I want to mow a lawn?

[Lee Syatt]

Mexicans are going to mow a lawn.

[Joey Diaz]

White people are going to be in demand again.

[Lee Syatt]

Thank God. The Trump. That's it. But do you really want the job? That's next week's podcast.

[Joey Diaz]

Do you really want the fucking job?

[Lee Syatt]

After Trump gets rid of it, are.

[Joey Diaz]

You going to learn how to bake?

[Lee Syatt]

Are you going to learn how to clean the bathroom? No. Anyway, I love you guys.

[Joey Diaz]

Have a happy 4th of July with your families.

[Lee Syatt]

Stay black. Don't forget to support Lee tonight at the Comic Strip. What street, Lee? You're sitting there like you don't even know where you're at. Look at you.

[Unknown]

I don't know what street it's on. It's the comic strip in the Upper east side.

[Lee Syatt]

Comic strip on the Upper east side. I love you, motherfucker.

[Joey Diaz]

Stay black.

[Lee Syatt]

Have a great week.

[Joey Diaz]

Hey, what's going on?

[Lee Syatt]

Uncle Joe here?

[Joey Diaz]

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[Lee Syatt]

Her head on the pipe one.

[Joey Diaz]

Are you sure? I get it for free. Free. When you press in. Promo code, Joey. J O E Y. Just pay a fin for shipping. That's $5. That's it. Nobody knows nothing. That's promo code, Joey. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. Like don't eat two of them because you might sink the fucking ship. You know what I'M saying you might have to drive on the 4th of July. Shit's hanging out. You don't want to do that. But anyway, that's a complete different type of party. I want to thank BlueChew for sponsoring the podcast and for giving this tremendous offer. So that's promo code, Joey. When you visit bluechew. Com right now, go look at yourself in the mirror and go, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. I'm ready to sling some dick. Have a great Fourth of July.