← The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament
The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament
Feeling like a monkey head in a piranha tank
01:22:48
Loading summary
Transcript407 lines
- [00:03]
A
Kick this motherfucker, mule. What's happened, beautiful people? Uncle Joey here with Bruce Lee Jr. Cato. And it's the Church of what's Happening Now, New Testament. January 19th. What's up, dog?
- [00:16]
B
It's almost your birthday.
- [00:18]
A
That's a month away. But who cares about my birthday? My birthday. I'm not even thinking about my fucking birthday right now. The reason why we're in the Voodoo Lounge and not in the Bat Cave today is because I fucked up my knee and I won't know what's going on till Wednesday. I couldn't go to Austin this week. I couldn't do shit I couldn't do. Are you garbage? Are you garbage? So I'm very sorry, but the fucking knee just popped out again.
- [00:42]
B
I was going to tell people that we got. Remember when we got kicked out of that first office? Because. Because. Because Felipe was screaming.
- [00:50]
A
Yeah.
- [00:51]
B
And they kept. I thought I was going to say that we got kicked out of that office. They smelled the weed. They don't give a shit in this office.
- [00:56]
A
No, nobody gives a shit.
- [00:57]
B
La. They cared a lot. We.
- [00:59]
A
We.
- [00:59]
B
They threw away our bongs in la. Do you remember that? Because we got so high, left them in the bathroom.
- [01:05]
A
They threw away bongs. But that was a very rare place. I just. Somebody sent me that video. Which one?
- [01:15]
B
Yeah.
- [01:16]
A
Ladies banging on the door and we're like, shut the fuck up. Yeah. Marijuana. You can't. Because we. There was not even a window in that office.
- [01:23]
B
No, there wasn't.
- [01:24]
A
AC. Move. Couldn't move. It was a table and four chairs. That was it, dude.
- [01:30]
B
Because I think they made it like. Like they cut two offices and they took one office and made into two. Because, like, they had. I didn't know this back then, but they only had, like, the intake for the air conditioning. They didn't have the. Out, like, the air coming out. So they just put up. It's like when they said they have a junior one bedroom and they just put up a fake wall.
- [01:50]
A
Yeah.
- [01:50]
B
With like, cardboard.
- [01:52]
A
No. Oh, dog. I went to look at an office in North. North Hollywood by that barbecue place. Yeah, that barbecue place inside. And I went there and it had a bean on the valley, dog. In August. Ooh. I mean, it was a hundred, like. Yeah, it's always like a hundred. That second week of September. And I probably went, like, in August to look at this place. And I walked in there and the walls weren't even up. It was aluminum. Okay. Like, insulation. And the heat was bouncing off the insulation. I wasn't in there three Minutes. And I was sweating everywhere. And I'm like, is there air conditioning? She's like, no, we don't have it. I go, how are you going to do a podcast? She's like, what's a podcast? That's my fault. She thought we were going to have, like. We needed an office to put boxes, maybe a shower or something. I don't even know what it was. Yeah, it was fucking crazy, man. It was. But see, anybody could get an office. You want to get an office that reflects what the fuck you're doing. Exactly what we're doing up there.
- [02:55]
B
Yeah.
- [02:55]
A
That office, thanks to George, reflects what we're doing on a daily basis. But that's why I didn't want to. We needed something that we had an outside.
- [03:03]
B
Yeah.
- [03:04]
A
So we could smoke weed and just play music or whatever the fuck it is, you know, I would choose an office. But the problem with a fucking office is that nobody works at night until you get the podcast. Everybody works at night now. You can't play music now. You can't. You know, so it's just.
- [03:24]
B
There was a couple creepy things. Do you remember the last office? There was, like, a producer who, I think he just. Because we kept doing videos outside. There was just a guy who just, I think, found out where we were recording and got the office next to us. There were a couple creepy things.
- [03:40]
A
It was. He had me up, like, for a year after I moved here. Did he really? Yeah, like, hey, I got an idea. That's great. 2200 miles away. You know, you got a fucking idea now. We were next to you for a year and he would just watch us.
- [03:55]
B
Yeah.
- [03:57]
A
The lady who was stealing our bongs was the cute black lady.
- [04:00]
B
Oh, yeah.
- [04:01]
A
The two cute ladies that did something. They were. They were gone after, like, fucking a month that we were there. They were gone. We came one day and they disappeared. Yeah, they were gone. I don't even know. That was the creepiest. That whole area was scary. And I can't believe you would fall asleep there at night with the door.
- [04:20]
B
With the door open and the lights on. What do you mean you can't believe? You gave me hundreds and thousands of milligrams and then I would wake. Because, like, everyone. For everyone who was watching and doesn't every other podcast in the country, they record a bunch and then it goes out like two weeks later. A week later, we would get done recording at, like, 11 talk till midnight. And then you and the guest would leave and I would just somehow up. Put up the podcast. But there were a Few times where I would just. I'd like, shock, wake up. Like, I wouldn't. I wouldn't go. I never once slept on the couch. I never just was like, all right, let's go to the couch and get. Like. I would just fall asleep. Shoes. It's up. Sleeping with your shoes on. I would be sitting up.
- [05:05]
A
Up. Sleeping on a chair. Open. Never mind the shoes. The shoes are the last fucking thing you got. That's the last problem on your.
- [05:13]
B
Oh, my God. Thank God. There was a gate. A fucked up gate. I still to this day don't know how Owen Benjamin got out of that gate.
- [05:21]
A
He left through the door.
- [05:23]
B
Oh, he did. I know. If you watch the video back, I think I hear the. The gig, like, it clicks. That was a up thing. Oh, dude. By the way, because I don't know if you've seen it. Like, have you seen on Instagram where people like, oh, this is me in 2016. This is me in 20. That was 2016. When we got that office, I went through my phone to go find, like, what. What was I doing in 2016? That was 2016.
- [05:44]
A
Was that what that whole thing about was on the Internet for the last week?
- [05:47]
B
I don't know where it came from.
- [05:48]
A
What I was doing 2006. I don't even know. I couldn't tell you what I was doing in 2016. I tell you what I was doing in 2006. Norton Coke, like, but 2016, that's the weirdest thing. I don't know what they call it. I know people say you're short sighted or long sighted. I remember shit from when I'm five, right? But even when I wrote the book after 2014, okay, I don't have a fucking memory. Like, you were telling me some shit the other day about the Mad Flavors world. And I'm like, I don't even know what he's talking about.
- [06:25]
B
I got to be honest. I'm the same way.
- [06:27]
A
I don't remember nothing. Oh, I remember bits and pieces of like, some. Some kid came up to me the other day and asked me, hey, I didn't know you had somebody on your podcast. And I'm like, yeah, we did. Holy fuck, I forgot about that. You think I forgot all that shit.
- [06:42]
B
Dude, at least you remembered then. I can't tell you how many people would come into the studio. I would go to Shake, hey, nice to meet you. And they'd be like, this is my third time on the show. I was like, sure, whatever you say. Because by the time they got there, I Was up. Yeah, it happened. Does Terry say you do that? Because, like, all the time I'll be talking and Anisha, I'll be like, oh. She'll be like, I. We talked about this a month ago. Were we talking? I was like, I don't have zero memory.
- [07:14]
A
I've given my wife 30,000 ear beatings. Only her and George have sustained more ear beatings. And, you know, after a while, you got to tell the same story.
- [07:24]
B
Yeah.
- [07:24]
A
Eventually, somewhere. And some people are very smart. Like, Nick will go, you told me that. Right. You know, you. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's when Rayo smacked that dude. And I'm laughing, you know, the other night, something happened to me that I watched, something interesting. And it's basically this. You know, I always thought, oh, you got to keep learning. You know, you learn every day something happens that you learn something about your car, something about your neighborhood that you never knew before. But sometimes you learn shit about yourself, you know, like. And it's so weird that you don't. When you stop learning about yourself is when you'll die, like, two weeks later. Like, you just go, I ain't learning nothing. And you start learning about yourself and the things that, you know, what we talking about?
- [08:13]
B
Something happened to you. I'm not sure you. You figured something out.
- [08:17]
A
Yeah, that I'm watching a fucking stupid movie here, you know, with my wife. Not a bad movie. And there's a scene when the reporter goes into the bar, and they're like, hey, motherfucker, you wrote an article about us. And it was like an old school North Bergen bar. Like an old school blue collar. And when the guy walked in and sat at the bar, the bartender told him. He goes, if I was you, this is not a good night for you. But he's like, no, I want to address the issues here. And they started arguing. Everybody's like, hey, you wrote a story about our town. This isn't what our town's about. And they started beating on the guy in the bar, and then they threw him outside, and they just started kicking him. Like, 12 guys were kicking them and punching them. And, dog, it didn't piss me off. It just made me realize who I was at the age of 21.
- [09:11]
B
I was going to say, to make you nostalgic. I, like, I feel like you like a bar fight.
- [09:14]
A
That wasn't a bar fight.
- [09:16]
B
Okay?
- [09:16]
A
That's not a bar fight. That's 12 kids just chasing somebody. Just. Just. They got a wild buck up their ass. And I kept thinking about no skiing on Bergen Line. Avenue.
- [09:32]
B
Oh, shit, I forgot about that story.
- [09:34]
A
Like, it ended. Like, when we got over there, we were holding back Ray, go. But everybody else was kicking the guy, and the guy's, like, fucking upside down. The Hudson county park has a street that you drive into it, and on the side, they have two, like, pillars. And I'll never forget that the snow was higher than the pillars. And when they got done with that guy, they put him head first into the snow thing, and all you saw were his legs. And I'm like, you know, for 30 fucking years, I thought that story was hilarious until I saw it the other day. And I'm like, what the fuck was I thinking? And I thought about that situation that night. Like, what was going on in our world? And I'm like, when you see that it's 12 young guys, 10 of them ain't getting laid, six of them ain't got no job, and the other four of them are just pissed off at the world because life didn't work out how they expect them to. Like, somebody, their best friend's father's a doctor, so they fly to Japan. This kid, you have to go to fucking seaside Heights. You know, that's your big vacation. And you have, like, this anger.
- [10:43]
B
Yeah.
- [10:44]
A
You know, like this insult. Like, I just saw it. I'm like, oh, my God, that's me. And I'm like, oh, shit. I only did that once with Jump Around. And I was really pulling Rago off the guy and laughing because he kept saying, no skiing on Hanging Lion Avenue. Which is the same school of thought I'm from. You know what I'm saying? You want to ski on the mountains, but you look at that stuff and you're like. You just see a bunch of people's lives aren't working out, so they're taking out on this poor bastard with a few good kicks. And you feel good about yourself when you go back in the bar, you're like, yeah, that was great. I think I broke his rib. You know, fuck. But I was thinking about, like, I know I got a couple hate emails about my opinion last week on the Minneapolis situation. And that was then. See, guys don't know me. That was then, okay? And it's like, I was telling our dear friend on the phone, I go, that manslaughter, whatever we thought it was, was what it was. But now what's going on is fucking pathetic. And it's pathetic, the fucking people protesting because now it's like a. Now they deserve to get beat up a little bit. You know what I'M saying, like, you understand why I don't see things in black and white like most people. I see things for real. I see things for real like, this is real time here now. They're becoming stupid. Because, listen, I've said it once, and it's a joke, but it's true. There's no future in protesting. You end up in the hospital. That's your future. And then you walk around at parties. They beat him up at the. Oh, he's a hero. He ain't no hero. He's a fucking idiot. That's Ice they're beating. They just shot somebody. I think it's your turn to go home. Once the gun. I can see they hit you in the head with a bottle. Okay, I'll take my chances. I'll wear a fucking helmet. But the fucking, you know, now still stay on the streets. And what's going to happen is. And this is going to be fucking tremendous is that they're going to call in those troops, those fucking airborne unit that's waiting on call. They're going to parachute onto the streets of fucking. Can you imagine those liberals, like, out there? We want milk, whatever the fuck. And all of a sudden, you and you look up and it's like Apocalypse now. And people are jumping out on ropes. Oh, my God. White people, like, black people don't like fire.
- [13:18]
B
Yeah.
- [13:18]
A
You know that black people don't like fire.
- [13:20]
B
I had no idea they don't.
- [13:21]
A
You ever see a black person, There's a fire. Never see any black firefighters. Not really. Black people traditionally don't like fires. White people don't like helicopters with people coming out with ropes and machine guns. Okay.
- [13:36]
B
How. You must be like, if that happened and you were protesting for that, say, until they landed on you, you'd be pretty pissed off that you were protesting.
- [13:46]
A
Well, let's look at it again. Are we protesting for our friends and to be cool and to be part of a group, or are we protesting for real? That they did something to a friend of mine and I got a AK47 and I'm gonna shoot a.
- [14:01]
B
What do you think, like, 50? 50?
- [14:04]
A
I don't know. But there was a guy out there today with some gun in front of his house. And I'm like, really? Yeah. You just. You just. It's a magnet. Yeah, a gun is a magnet. They're going to come at you with other guns. So I don't understand it, but see, like, now it's gotten out of control. Now we, you know, we got the fucking parades and it's all the same people, a bunch of people were confused with a chubby white chick with a shaved head. The chubby white chick is always the leader. Some lesbian who's not only a lesbian, she's a fucking cancer survivor. She had diabetic in her left foot. You know, the shit don't stop. They have a thousand things to get the fucking.
- [14:49]
B
Dude, you keep doing this to me. Like, the last one is, now I'm going to see every protest and see a chubby chick with a shaved head.
- [14:56]
A
Always.
- [14:56]
B
My favorite is when I forget it was a joke you had, or maybe it was on a podcast, but you said, the chubby chick whom turns her hair blue to throw you off so you don't know that she's chubby.
- [15:06]
A
True.
- [15:06]
B
And now all the time, that's all I see, dog.
- [15:08]
A
Anytime somebody gets chubby, like, outlandishly chubby, they're like, you know what? I'm gonna take the stress off my stomach. I'm gonna get blue hair with a volcano on the top of my head. And that'll throw people off. They won't say to me, hey, you gained weight. To. They'll look at you and say, we love the color in your hair.
- [15:27]
B
Yeah, so you're gonna fuck with me then?
- [15:29]
A
It's like having a. It's like a white kid that has a black dad. Right? That's not gonna. That'll go over well for a few years. But for years, you go to the supermarket with your kid, what do they tell the mom? He's got beautiful hair. Yeah. Is what I'm saying. You're gonna have problems. You know what I'm.
- [15:53]
B
Oh, see, but you were. You were saying that, like, it made you. That movie made you, like, look back and, like, differently at it, at that story.
- [16:01]
A
You know, you look at that. For years, we've been giggling about it. And I looked at him like that. That's not the fucking funny. It wasn't because I. Let me see who the fuck I was at that time in my life. I just thought I wrote it off to being young and stupid. None of that. It was being young, not having a fucking life, being angry about the cards dealt to me. It's a thousand different fucking things at once, you know?
- [16:30]
B
Yeah, but I think you also. I don't know, I feel like you've been pretty open in all the whole podcast. I mean, yeah, you're a comedian and you try to make the stories funny, but you were never like, you guys should do what I did. You guys should beat up a skier or, like, you know, you were just telling stories that were just crazy. It was just craziness.
- [16:50]
A
Listen, man, when you think about those stories, you forgive yourself. And then you gotta say, well, thank God that his eye didn't pop out. Thank God that somebody hit him in the head with one of those skis and the guy's a retard in the chair. Now we all got to do eight years, you know, for fucking hitting some guy in the head.
- [17:11]
B
Yeah, well, thank God there were no cameras.
- [17:13]
A
That shit happens too, you know, where. You know something. What is it when you. If somebody dies during a felony, you get charged with murder.
- [17:22]
B
Yeah. Fuck yeah.
- [17:23]
A
Right? So it's the same thing. Like, you went out to have a good time, and all of a sudden somebody's eye pops out.
- [17:31]
B
But didn't even. Like, I heard, like, bouncers. And not. Not that I would ever be a bouncer, but when I was a kid, I heard this story, and this was why, in my head, I was never a bouncer. Not because I'm fucking short and chubby, but like a bouncer. Or if you get into, like, a fight at a bar and just randomly punch somebody or they punch you and you punch them back, they hit their head and they die. You're going to jail.
- [17:51]
A
You're going to jail. You're going to fucking jail.
- [17:54]
B
It's. It's really amazing.
- [17:57]
A
That's why when I go into a place and I see a bouncer.
- [17:59]
B
Yeah.
- [17:59]
A
First thing I ask myself is, what can he possibly get? How much money can he possibly be getting to work a Saturday at a fucking seaside club bar? 20 an hour, maybe 120 a shift. To fucking put yourself in that risk of. Because, yeah, most nights nothing happens. Right? But there could be that one night where the guy's Indian, he's been drinking gin all day, he comes in, different Indian, and he wants to shoot an arrow at your fucking head. You have to deal with that. I mean, what are you going to do? Was it worth the paycheck?
- [18:37]
B
Dude, I heard that the armored truck, like the bank delivery drivers get like 15 an hour. Get like 20 an hour.
- [18:44]
A
No.
- [18:45]
B
Maybe. I don't know. Maybe I'll look it up. I thought maybe, and this was years ago.
- [18:49]
A
Would you take that job?
- [18:50]
B
No.
- [18:51]
A
Right there. Still no.
- [18:53]
B
I don't.
- [18:53]
A
It's not like 25 delivering at Domino's.
- [18:56]
B
I know. It's really not much.
- [18:57]
A
It's like armed guard.
- [19:02]
B
Well, we'll have to look it up during the break.
- [19:03]
A
I thought, fucking guard. There's got to be. Listen, you're not making 300,000 a year, but you're getting 151 70, 180 plus benefits. You get union, you get a fucking will, you get vision, you know, According.
- [19:19]
B
To Google, it's like 21 an hour.
- [19:21]
A
No armored truck. No fucking way, man. That's for like a Puerto Rican armored truck. That's like for two guys that say they're security, they. No, man. What are UPS drivers, man?
- [19:36]
B
They make 100 plus. They make a lot.
- [19:38]
A
And they don't have a gun.
- [19:40]
B
Yeah, no, dude. This is why it blew my mind is who would want to be.
- [19:43]
A
I don't fucking get it. I don't get it.
- [19:46]
B
Oh my God.
- [19:46]
A
Because I wouldn't listen. You have a certain type of security job. This is a security job where it was kind of guys that wanted to be cops but couldn't climb the ladder. You know what I'm saying? They couldn't fucking shoot the 22 targets. They're like Stallone in Copland. They were deaf in one of the. You know, so they get those little security guards. Then they get attitude, right? You know, it's like they get attitude and then you get guys like, listen, this is just a job. I'm not going to shoot nobody. I ain't going to. I ain't gonna arrest nobody. I ain't gonna no shoplifting. I don't give a fuck. Right? It's just a job so things don't get out of hand. Now we grew up with somebody who used to run security at bars. I do know this for a fact. He used to like a bar would open up like a club. He would come in and go, I'm gonna do security here. I'm gonna bring my own people. Those guys were making 450 a night. And that was 30 years ago.
- [20:52]
B
Wow, that's. But were they like ex army or something?
- [20:56]
A
Bokin. Yeah, that's broken on a club. They were all professional security and they were getting 450 a shift. Like 8 to 2, 8 to 3, whatever.
- [21:07]
B
That's fantastic.
- [21:09]
A
Again. But it's a club. It's instead of it being a bar where you have one fight that could turn into three. There could be four different fights.
- [21:19]
B
No, that sounds. I couldn't imagine. I would. The first fight I would just quit. I would just walk away. Like never in my. Never in my life. It used to blow my mind when I was a kid. Like, let me ask you this. When you watch like a skit, like a action movie and like there's the bad guy and they have like the henchmen that just like, are there, like hired, whatever. It always blew. Like I was like, who would sign up to get. To have to almost get murdered? Like, are there people who actually do that? Like, are there criminals who just are like the soldiers or whatever? And like, I can't imagine they make enough money to do.
- [21:59]
A
When I first moved to Aspen in 83, I was living. I moved to Snowmass and I was walking around one day and I started talking to this white dude. Non assuming white dude. Hey, how you doing? You're from Jersey? Yeah. I heard the adsep. Oh, shit. Yeah. You're friends with this guy? We just started talking. I kept seeing him and one day I asked him, I go, do you work? And he goes, yeah, I own a bodyguard school in Aspen. And really? He goes, yeah, come to the office and check it out. So I went up there one day. It was very interesting. It was a course. It was a. Again, it was a six week course. Like two weeks security, two weeks maritime. Like if you have to protect your people on the beach, on the ocean, on a boat, and two other weeks. And then he's like, I could get you into the next rotation of training. Since you're a neighbor. I'll get you 50% off. Because people fly in for this. Whoa.
- [22:56]
B
Okay?
- [22:57]
A
People coming from all over the world. He was having like six sessions a year. I forget what it was. It was, you know, 7,000 back then or something for the full course. But you had guaranteed lifetime placement. And I thought about it. I was like, man, I was in shape then. I was young, I had no family. That's the perfect. People who sign up for that, they have no emotional connection. They have nothing. You know, you have to be on that guy. Mm. And I started thinking about it, I'm like, so I'm getting shot at. I gotta stand in front of a motherfucker. Let's pretend this guy's a drug dealer, a politician, a criminal at all levels. They deserve to get shot. The.
- [23:44]
B
Which one?
- [23:45]
A
All three of them. Like a politician, a fucking criminal, a gangster, a big cartel guy. They're the ones that are gonna have big time security.
- [23:53]
B
Yeah.
- [23:54]
A
So it's not like if I was going to secure somebody, I'd secure a guy that was CEO of a company. The guy who got shot in New York by Angelini, the Italian guy. Like whatever his fucking name is. I don't know what his fucking name is. Gaggalini. Angelini.
- [24:09]
B
God, you're messing me up now. But anyways, you go.
- [24:12]
A
You follow me?
- [24:12]
B
Yeah.
- [24:13]
A
It's going to be somebody less dangerous. I'm going to go fucking and be a bodyguard for a criminal or some fucking, you know, tremendously rich kid who's never done anything. And I'm gonna stand there like a tough guy with sunglasses on and a tattoo of a dragon and just stand there and be the mean guy. I didn't see it. And then something else dawned on me because I ain't that stupid even at that age. All right, you're fucking everybody here in this room saw a man on fire.
- [24:48]
B
Yeah, I was just thinking about me, okay?
- [24:53]
A
I come up to your fucking thing. I forgot what I was going to tell you and I.
- [24:58]
B
You figured something out about being a security.
- [25:00]
A
Yeah. So I take this six week course, right? And I come see George, who's got a multimillion dollar vitamin corporation. Somebody keeps threatening. And George fucking hires me. Or maybe not. He looks at my resume and goes, joey, you're everything I wanted. You're handsome, you're articulate, you speak well, you know, whatever. And this is all lies. I'm just right, well. But then a guy comes in who went to Vietnam.
- [25:31]
B
Oh, you want him?
- [25:33]
A
You follow me? So that's why.
- [25:35]
B
Yeah, but there's also levels of it because I was just thinking about like, fuck you.
- [25:39]
A
Me being on a boat with six other white guys with guys with targets shooting at me and boop, boop, like it blows up, that's one thing. But being a combat fucking soldier, that's a complete other game. And those Vietnam motherfuckers that they weren't all there, they were shooting Bobania over there. They were doing a ton of shit, smoking dope. They became fucking killers.
- [26:04]
B
Those must be the best security guards.
- [26:06]
A
Well, that's what I'm saying.
- [26:06]
B
Yeah.
- [26:07]
A
Who would you hire? Some good looking. You ever see John Wick? Yeah, everybody's good looking, good looking agents. And my. Even the chicks were fucking stunning.
- [26:18]
B
Yeah, girl, and like two or three, I forget which one it was.
- [26:22]
A
Yeah, they're all fucking bond girls and they all want to be fucking, you know, whatever. And all those guys are good looking. Those are the guys you get when you go to a bodyguard school, you know, saying, handsome guys I'm going to get. You know, I want a guy to show up with a missing eye because.
- [26:40]
B
You know, he survives.
- [26:41]
A
Prosthetic leg, you know.
- [26:42]
B
Oh yeah.
- [26:43]
A
Pimping in like he can't be around magnets, that type of shit. That's the type of guy I want die. I don't, you know, and that's. That's just common sense, guys. That's why, you know, George is a framer. I'm sure in San Francisco or somewhere there's a framing university where you go to for three months and you're a certified framer, whatever the fuck that means. And this guy will go there for three months and come to George. And guess what, Georgia, we have to retrain him. Oh, of course it'll be another two years.
- [27:14]
B
Fuck it. But I mean, that's anything.
- [27:17]
A
So that's how I always thought about those things. Practical experience. It's like, why? The reason I never ran a standup class, because I don't want practical people. I don't want. There's a stand up class that I would teach and then I would teach a public speaking class. Two different fucking things. Stand up comedy class and public speaking. Two different fucking things. But eventually you're gonna have to get up on stage, which is what we all fear, you know, whether you go to Jiu jitsu, they drill with you, you do all this shit. But when that guy comes up to you and says, let's hit knuckles, we're going to wrestle, you forget everything, right?
- [28:01]
B
Because I was thinking about Secret Service because like a security guard, you're supposed to protect them. But if people start shooting, some of.
- [28:10]
A
Them are going to security guard. Part of it. You got to be a boy scout, right? You know, you see the president, you really actually, you know, like, it's like, you know, people who will see the mayor of a town, they go insane. Mr. Mayor. What are you talking about? This guy's a bum, right? Counts a million year olds last month at the bar and now you're like, Mr. Mayor. Oh my God, I took a picture with the mayor today. I want mayor. Come to me when you're a senator. Up, Mayor. What do I give a. You know, right? So it's the same kind of. That's why I never really wanted to train in something. That's why I'm really proud of you. Me, Becky, Pedro. Because with standup comedy, it's not about schools or contests, it's about being in the field.
- [29:11]
B
Yeah, but did you ever wish there was some sort of like, degree or like just something to like, get all. Because there's a lot of people who are doing it who shouldn't be doing it.
- [29:21]
A
Doing what?
- [29:22]
B
Stand up, bro.
- [29:23]
A
It's an art. Everybody has a different form of expression. So I can never knock somebody because I don't know where they're going with that. I don't know when they're going with that. But you ever watch somebody who. You don't know where they're going with that, but you're like, that motherfucker's going somewhere.
- [29:37]
B
Yeah, there's a ton of great stand ups.
- [29:39]
A
So, same thing. I, I, I. That's why I was against the improv schools in la, okay? Because those kids come from a weak background as it is. Then they go there and it's a bunch of guys that really failed. They never. Well, I auditioned for Sign Out Live one time. What are you telling me this for? You know what I'm saying? Come to me when you're doing four years on the show, right? You know the ins and outs. Even if you fail, nobody's gonna look at you like that. You made it to Saturday Live just because you got thrown off or whatever. It was just your time to leave. They weren't writing sketches for you. But I didn't like that about la, that you took somebody, you know, cold in college, they decided to watch. Well, we love Marcelo. And all of a sudden they're like, I think I'm gonna become a comedian. I think I'm gonna. And they go to, dad, dad, listen, I know I'm a microbiologist, but when I get out of college, I really want to go to improv for a year. Jesus. We had plans for you. Yeah, we had plans for you, son. I want to be a comic. A fucking comic. Okay, you won. I'll give you a credit card, a salary, a car for one year. You have one year to prove your point. And these kids will go to LA or New York and just give their money away. There are these classes that. Reading and stand up. Movement. Movement and stand up. And this is all shit you're gonna learn within six months if you get on stage four nights a week. It's the people get on stage twice a week that go. I'll sign up for breathing. For stand up, right? There's no breathing.
- [31:22]
B
I took one class in la. I took a commercial acting class. And the teacher was the most depressed person, like, the entire class. Like, half the class was just him, like, kind of complaining about LA and like. And just like the saddest person, like, there was no. It was just. I just remember it was like five or six Saturdays for eight hours. And it was the longest. It was like driver's head.
- [31:52]
A
Since I moved to Jersey, I've been getting hit up like four times, five years. People going, hey, man, I've been doing comedy for two years. I don't know if you work with people. I'm like, man, that'd be interesting. And I'm like, I don't know, I would. It's taking their money. And I've seen, first off, I don't have the right credentials.
- [32:15]
B
There's no credentials.
- [32:16]
A
That's the problem.
- [32:17]
B
But actually you do have credentials.
- [32:19]
A
You get mad if you go to some guy who complains about fucking L. A Because they don't have credentials. They book three commercials and what is their advertising for the class going to say? Worked in over 100 commercials and television promos. Show them to me, motherfucker.
- [32:38]
B
Right? Well, that's the thing is because I've seen classes taught by people and I like, just because I know you, I'll be like, hey, is this guy. This guy is the worst comic I've ever seen. You have the Comedy Store, you have your specials, you have other people vouching for you. Like, that's as someone 35 years of experience, right? But that's the thing. There's people who have 35. Because I just started stand up, I was doing open mics. I see these ads for standup classes and it's people like who now I know are terrible. But when you're first starting out, someone could be like a really good schmoozer or have one TV credit and you think you're like, hey, that what? For 300 bucks they can't be like. And you don't know that you're getting over because there's like a lot, a lot of bad comics teach classes.
- [33:36]
A
Well, here's the other end of this. I'm protecting you on this, okay? The expectation of taking a class. Now I signed up for my original class to do stand up at CU Boulder, which is 33 bucks. And then in 93, I signed up at the New York Comedy Club for an eight week course. And I learned. And now when I went in there, here's the problem. When I went in there, I know that if I get one thing out of it, one thing, don't put the basketball down. This season you shoot great. I love your dribbling, I love your mind. But George, you keep putting the basketball down after you get a rebound. We're going to work on that, that one thing, because I know that one thing will make you that much better.
- [34:33]
B
Yeah.
- [34:33]
A
Problem with pick people's expectations. I'm gonna go learn from Joe Rogan, take an eight week course, and I'll be fucking a millionaire in ten years. You know, Phil Jackson when I was a kid, every time they put Phil Jackson in when I was a kid, I turned the TV off at night whenever the Knicks were losing and they put Phil Jackson into the. I would turn the TV off. I'd be on the phone with other Whitey o'. Donnell. I go, the game's over, good night. We lost 25 bucks, like 1250. We were splitting five time parlays or five time bets. He ended up becoming one of the greatest coaches of all time. Six championships. Yeah, I don't even know. Don't quote me on that.
- [35:11]
B
That's fair. They could know how to do it.
- [35:14]
A
You know me, I like what the unions do. If you're a plumbing apprentice, you're going to work five days a week and you're going to go to class three nights a week.
- [35:27]
B
Yeah.
- [35:27]
A
Every week you're gonna work on some. In that class. A fucking sweat in a pipe, digging a fucking hole, whatever it is. But in the daytime you're using that in practical terms, your skill set.
- [35:39]
B
Yeah.
- [35:40]
A
So I could grow with you. You know I'm saying most stand up classes do a fucking weird format because they do come to class. I'm gonna talk for eight weeks and then you're gonna go up on stage for three weeks minutes.
- [35:52]
B
I think you're supposed to do open mics, I would hope, but no, no.
- [35:55]
A
You'Re definitely supposed to do all right, mics.
- [35:58]
B
But that's.
- [35:58]
A
Nobody's gonna walk into the garden the first time.
- [36:01]
B
No, no, no, I mean I meant for the class. I meant to like as part of their homework. But like what I was gonna say cuz something that I still watch and I haven't watched in a couple years and I need to watch again. George and I were driving down, we were talking about Ralphie for a while. Ralphie did one of the coolest. It was like two hours and. But no, and that's just. It wasn't. So he didn't take questions.
- [36:21]
A
You know who else did a really good one?
- [36:23]
B
Who's that?
- [36:23]
A
Ari Shafir.
- [36:24]
B
Did he online. Did he. Oh, did he record it?
- [36:28]
A
Yeah, I think he recorded.
- [36:29]
B
I'm gonna have to go find that because I, I love Ralphies and I'm sure Aries is great, but that's cuz it's different if you're just doing like a. It's almost like sort of like a TED Talk or you want to call it a podcast. Call it a podcast. But like then it's just your opinion. And there's certain things about like I'll never forget and it's not I don't drink beer. But like when I Go to comedy clubs. I usually don't. I order a Diet Coke. That's usually what I order, tops. Because Ralphie explained it. He's like, if you're making 100 bucks and you eat 25, 50 bucks worth of whatever, then you're much more expensive. They won't have you back. And who knows? The managers probably don't even care. But they might care at one place. Like, there's just that he. It's one of the cool. And you could do a great one. I think of that. Of just like a two hour talk.
- [37:15]
A
I would love to do one. I would love to sit down. But I'd also like to practice at first. I'd like to practice what I preach with you and Becky and Pedro and Hector. And just to see. That's why I wanted to do something at the dojo on Tuesday nights where it's like, we watch Bill Hicks. Mm. We talk about him, what we like, what we didn't like. Explain some of the jokes, how he broke them down, and then go up there and do it. Show them the Dice thing and then show them Bill Hicks and how Bill Hicks built the set little by little.
- [37:54]
B
And, like, try to have them.
- [37:56]
A
Now these jokes are hacking. Even Dice's. That was hacking. These are 35 fucking years ago.
- [38:00]
B
But it was. It wasn't hacky back then.
- [38:03]
A
But. No, but now you. You say one of those jokes and people look at you. Yeah, but it's three fucking heads.
- [38:09]
B
Like, what I would look. When we were watching that, we were watching for people listening. We were watching to the young comedian special Rodney's thing on hbo. So if you put in Hicks, Sam Kinison or Dice, it'll all pop. We just watched it. And what I would. Because I'd love to do that with you. And I think, like, even though I don't think I've ever yelled in a joke ever, like, because you've been talking to me about using your volume in different ways and I'm starting to do it a little bit. But I've never screamed really. And I. I almost want to just be like, you. You tell me, like, you have to scream this time.
- [38:42]
A
That's the most powerful thing. Sometimes it's a scream and sometimes it's a whisper.
- [38:48]
B
Yeah, Whispering too.
- [38:49]
A
Whisper or yell. A whisper or yell could be a punchline. And now you're tricking them, but you want to stake to one. So bubble. And then I took her upstairs and gave it a good dick farm, saying, yeah. Yeah. So now they gotta listen.
- [39:11]
B
Yeah.
- [39:11]
A
Now you're Testing them to listen. You follow me? Or I took a. I switch it. I wish for the setup. I yell the punchline. And now you're getting into a rhythm. They feel that rhythm. And now they're programmable monkeys. They're just going to be laughing every time you touch your ear, every time you laugh, every time you hurt your stomach. Listen, I could tell 20 jokes in the world, none of them get a big laugh. Is when I laugh at one of the jokes.
- [39:42]
B
Oh, yeah, it's great you have done that.
- [39:45]
A
Did you see Kennison doing it?
- [39:47]
B
Yeah.
- [39:48]
A
Because when you laugh after your joke, that means you don't give a fuck. You're telling me that you don't give a fuck if I laugh, you laugh. And that's the most important thing. And that's a complete listen. The first 10 years of stand up are basically basics. You learn how to tell a joke, you go to Chicago, this guy doesn't pay your check. The next 20 years is now you know what you're doing. You're a purple belt. You know what you're doing, but you still run into snags once in a while. And somebody told me this, by the 20 year mark, you start studying it. Now you're studying this shit at the 20 year mark. I got hooked on singers. I would watch singers to watch their breathing and how. Because a singer is the conduit of the band, right? Correct.
- [40:39]
B
Mm.
- [40:40]
A
So what is he doing to connect with the audience?
- [40:44]
B
Right.
- [40:44]
A
I want to learn how to connect. You don't think about that when you're doing comedy. Two years, dude. Just thinking about going to the bar, getting your dick sucked, and getting the two free cocktails.
- [40:54]
B
That would be nice. But that's. This has happened my whole life. When I first started stand up, you got. Everyone was talking about, oh, it takes 10 years to get good. 10 years to get good. I'm finally in my 10th year, and now there's another. It's like, oh, I feel like my whole life, everyone's like, when you get heat year, you're gonna be. It's. Everything's gravy after that. And then just as soon as you get there, they move the goalpost every not. And I know I'm. I'm really working.
- [41:21]
A
I'm not moving on yet.
- [41:23]
B
No, I know you're not.
- [41:23]
A
Always been my philosophy, because I remember doing comedy 15 years and thinking I'm Joey Bananas and sitting in the main room and watching Paul Rodriguez destroy, like, Tuesday night. I'll never forget, like, just sitting there. Mitzi. Sure Looked over me, she goes, that's 20 years.
- [41:44]
B
Yeah.
- [41:45]
A
And I'm like, God damn it, you fuck, dude. But five in a comedian's world, five in anybody's world is a lot. Why do you think people just don't join the army? Yeah, because you hit me with 18, I got to do this for 18 years. These kids today grow up on 10 second videos, 30 second videos. They can barely do something for two weeks. People are saying that schools enrollment is down because parents are looking at their kids going, you're a stupid motherfucker.
- [42:17]
B
Yeah.
- [42:18]
A
You've been sitting all day playing video games and scrolling 10 minute thing. Nothing's gonna stick in your mind anymore.
- [42:25]
B
No, it doesn't.
- [42:26]
A
So people don't want to put working. And this goes back to framing, this goes back to politicking. This goes back to anything. You know what, you have goals in your head. But guess what? And this is what I tell people, George. When we were kids, Pennzoil had a fucking motto and it was money. And it's this easy. You're either going to pay me now or you're going to pay me later. So I'll tell you what. I know. You want to be a YouTube guy. You're doing comedy. Three years, you put a video out, it gets 3 million views. You did something and now clubs are calling you the headline. You ain't no fucking headliner. But you don't know no better because I would have done the same thing. You know, and you're going to go out there and it's going to work for about six months and then you're going to fall on your fucking face. And then you, you either gonna become a fucking Radio Shack attendant.
- [43:25]
B
Can't do that anymore.
- [43:26]
A
Or you're gonna, or you're gonna sit there and realize how you're gonna come back now and what's gonna be different. You know, you didn't put the work in and they awarded you a trophy. Guess what? Now you gotta put the fucking work in. But Joey, I can't see myself featuring now. Bitch, how bad do you want to do this? Prove yourself as a feature and you could become a headliner again. Yeah, and that's what's great about comedy, that you could. But you're gonna get setbacks. But look, so right now I have a setback. I can't be lumping around with this leg. But you know, I'm up early trying to write shit every fucking day and I'm journaling and I'm doing all that because I got to keep something Fresh.
- [44:08]
B
Yeah.
- [44:08]
A
I'm saying you got to keep something fresh. So this is a constant thing, you know? Nick looking to take over the fucking world with politics. He's got a plan, but guess what? In a year, somebody's going to come to him and go, listen, there's a fucking soup kitchen that's run by a lot of people that have a lot of money and a lot of influence. They want you to go run it for six months. You run that, you could be the mayor of any fucking town. Yeah.
- [44:42]
B
And like I was just asking, that happens.
- [44:45]
A
People like that happen. This shit happens. And you know what? You get mad at first, but it's giving you more time to prepare for your fucking job and to do it correctly.
- [44:54]
B
What do you think about taking gigs that, like, you're going to lose money at that point? Early on.
- [45:08]
A
Lee, I featured for 500 a week in a hotel. 500 a week is nothing.
- [45:14]
B
That's still what they give you, by the way.
- [45:16]
A
Yeah, it's still what they give you 30 years later. No, now they give you 500 with no hotel.
- [45:22]
B
Yeah. It's usually the headliner giving you a hotel.
- [45:24]
A
So this is when you look at what you're doing and what your life is. I don't want you to take a losing week. I want you to take a break even week. That's a big difference. A losing week and a break even week is a big difference. Now let's get down to the. What, why are you going there? Is it for the set? Is it for the club owner to see you? There's variables. Nobody's going to see you. And I got to fly all the way to Tacoma, Washington, to get. Get 400 bucks. And I get this, I get the same 400 bucks from Syracuse. I'm going to Syracuse.
- [46:02]
B
Right. But the reason why I'm asking is.
- [46:06]
A
At this point right now, you should not be losing a dollar. You should be coming home saying, hey, I made $50.
- [46:12]
B
Yeah. No, that would be.
- [46:13]
A
That's a plane ticket. The meals, the hotel, compared to what they're paying.
- [46:18]
B
Right? No, absolutely. And I, I. But the reason why I'm asking is, is I feel like I learned so much during feature weekends. And I, I always, I always try to watch the headliner.
- [46:32]
A
You do.
- [46:32]
B
But like, now it's, I want a feature forever. I don't want to. I don't want to go broke. But if I'm at least breaking even or losing a couple hundred bucks, if I could spend a weekend, one weekend watching you, one weekend watching Josh, one weekend Watching Craig Robinson. Like I don't anybody. And just like if you. I think I feel like a feature.
- [46:50]
A
One weekend watching Josh.
- [46:52]
B
Yeah, exactly.
- [46:53]
A
And then the other weekend watching somebody else. Maybe not in two weeks. Making. Planting your own flag that I.
- [47:02]
B
That's what I have been thinking about a lot the last couple is I have to start doing longer sets more often. Not at clubs. I'm not asking not, but I need to because that going from 10 or 12 minutes to 55 is a huge jump that I am nowhere near ready for.
- [47:21]
A
At the 10 year mark, I was getting 600 from Miami. But Wednesday through Sunday I was getting $15 to sell at the store and I was probably getting a buck and a quarter from Joe to open for. And I remember going to. I left LA twice with no schedule. Like I had three months and I had three weekends of shows and I would just get on the bus and leave and read comments, get to that location, work the weekend, talk to people. Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba. And also I call this guy, he's always got a fallout. You call him. Hey, I got referred to you by George. Listen, I don't know you, so I could only give you an MC week. Bring it. I'm out here.
- [48:13]
B
Yeah.
- [48:13]
A
And now I'm out here already.
- [48:15]
B
It might be a guest spot, so.
- [48:16]
A
No, no, no. You're getting something, you're picking up cash. You don't have time to guest spots. This is what I'm saying.
- [48:22]
B
It's hard now, dude.
- [48:23]
A
At this time in my life, I was a regular at the store. It was 2000.
- [48:27]
B
Well, that's a big deal.
- [48:28]
A
It was 99. It was before I met Terry. Okay, yeah, it was 99. First off, when my apartment got towed, I did that. That's the first time I did it. I started the six weeks in Miami and I think I emceed three times and I featured three times. It was 310C. I didn't give a fuck. I was doing eight spots a week.
- [48:56]
B
Yeah, that's great.
- [48:57]
A
At a hotel room. I was stealing food. I mean, God rest his soul. Jeff Garcia told the story that fucking he was. Me and him were working Valentine's Day weekend and Jeff would go over there to eat fucking eggs in the morning. And one morning I came in and they're like. He's like, what are you eating? Eggs? And I'm like, no. Shrimp, shish kebabs. And I had taken all of them out of the drawer. Dog. At 10 o' clock before the regular kitchen staff got in there.
- [49:26]
B
What drawer like, in the kitchen, you just take out raw shrimp and cooked shrimp.
- [49:29]
A
They have, like, a drawer that you can pull. And they would have shish kebabs. Shrimp shish kebabs. Lay it on top, like 10 with a sheet of wax paper. And the guy would come in the morning and prep them. And then the chef would come in later. I would hit it before the chef came, and I would cook all those shrimp kebabs. You understand me? Jeff's like, why am I eating eggs? That's right. Why are you eating eggs? I used to smoke Lucky Strikes because in those days, the club promotional girls would come around, and the. The popular cigarettes were not Lucky Strike no more. So they would give you Lucky Strikes, you know, I could smoke Camel Lights and pay six bucks a pack, or I could eat fucking. I could smoke Lucky Strikes that taste like shit, but they're free. You know what I'm saying?
- [50:11]
B
That's a hard one to turn down.
- [50:12]
A
Yeah. So I would go to Miami. Even though I was getting 300, I wasn't paying for a meal. You know, I was going to the movies for free. Because if you're the comedian, you get to go to the movies for free in the same mall.
- [50:23]
B
Wow. But you'd fucking. You'd bus from LA to Miami.
- [50:27]
A
I flew that time. I had the club send me a plane ticket. That's when I had that credit card.
- [50:32]
B
Let me ask you.
- [50:33]
A
I had the club's card, the numbers written down, and I would call the manager and go, hey, you gotta open? Yeah, come on down. I got like, three weeks for you, all right? And then I would get to call the airline and fly down there on the card from the club, dog. Joe Chadwick was his name, dude. He gave me the credit card to use one time. I used it for. Kept it two and a half years, dog. They never caught it.
- [50:58]
B
Oh, my God, dude. All the comics who are listening, who are like, hosts and features right now, we're lucky. Some clubs will be like, if you're a feature, maybe you'll get a hotel room, maybe mostly no hosts. They'll get. You're lucky to get, like, 25 bucks in cash added to your check, which gets taxed like, it's. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's to fly to. But this is what I was gonna ask you. Could you have done as much as you did without the Comedy Store credit?
- [51:29]
A
What?
- [51:30]
B
Without the, like, did the comedy, like, when you were in Miami or wherever, and you had no response, but you could say, hey, I'm passed at the Comedy Store. I think that would get you at least. Now what? I think it at least gave you some spots.
- [51:42]
A
When I got to la, it opened up the door a little bit. People would be more. They'd hear me out.
- [51:51]
B
Right.
- [51:51]
A
Hey, man. George. How you doing? I got your number from Nick. Listen, Joey Diaz. I'm a feature actor. I'm a regular at the store. I want to know if I can come in and feature one week. Well, send me a tape. Go fuck yourself. Like, bye. I'm not sending you no tape, bitch. I'm in la. Right. I'll tell you what. I'll send you a roster, a comedy store, see who I'm working with and see what your guys are doing down there, and we'll take it from there. But if you didn't understand that conversation, I wouldn't even fucking want to talk to you.
- [52:21]
B
Right. Well, that makes sense.
- [52:23]
A
I remember when I went on the road in 99, I already had basketball.
- [52:27]
B
Yeah, you had a lot of.
- [52:28]
A
Like, I had basketball already and it wasn't a big deal, but it was. I didn't know it.
- [52:33]
B
Right. I'm not saying you didn't work hard at all because you worked hard to get the move and you worked hard to get past at the store. But it's like, you need something like that. Like, it's really tough.
- [52:44]
A
I told you six months ago to get a commercial.
- [52:47]
B
Oh, yeah. And I've sent a couple emails, but not enough emails.
- [52:51]
A
No, you got to take a picture, put an envelope, put a resume, put a cover letter. You've been doing comedy for 10 years. You took a commercial, whatever. Just give a name.
- [53:04]
B
I have the class.
- [53:05]
A
Go on the LA thing and give the name of the most popular one. All right?
- [53:10]
B
I have a diploma, I think, somewhere. I have a certificate that he printed out at Staples.
- [53:14]
A
Yeah, you just, you know, and that's. I've always told people that comedy is one thing. Now you want respect. If I'm sitting here watching a national championship game and I see a commercial of you getting shot out of a cannon. Hey, that's Lee. That's it.
- [53:34]
B
Yeah.
- [53:34]
A
Where's my fucking phone? That's Lee. Holy shit. All right, now, when I see you, I'm not going to tell you I saw the commercial, right? I'm going to say, hey, look who I saw. I'm still going to treat you like a dick. In the back of my mind, this kid could do something. I do have to treat him a little different because I don't want him barking back at me in 10 years.
- [53:57]
B
Yeah, they Definitely do that.
- [53:58]
A
You follow me? So that's why people don't understand. Now, did I know about this shit? No, I didn't know about this. Nobody told me this. I found out.
- [54:11]
B
Yeah. I found out how much it helped.
- [54:14]
A
I fucking found out. And it was just amazing how much it helped. And then Mad TV helped because you're a comic and that helps. So when people see that type of shit, they're not gonna say to you, hey, we really liked you in the longest yard. They ain't gonna say shit to you. They're just gonna know, I ain't fucking with this motherfucker. I'm gonna take them a little bit seriously and see where this goes. Real quick. Let me talk to these people about bluechew. Listen, you wanna get the year all started with a big dick, and I wanna talk to them about fucking DraftKings. We'll be back in five minutes. Tip tip.magoo. what's up, beautiful people? Uncle Joey here. Guys, listen, it's time to level up your dick game. All right? Bluechew just dropped bluechew Gold. Bluechew Gold is a four in one tablet with the mix of key ingredients to increase blood flow and arousal. Blue Chew Gold dissolves under your tongue in as little as 15 minutes, so you don't have to wait for the fireworks to start. I mean, listen, you put it under your tongue and 15 minutes later, your dick feels like it's about to blow up and you don't know what to do. You feel like a suicide bomber pulling the fucking string. Kaboom. Anyway, get your confidence back in one tablet. Make life easier by getting harder. Discover your options. @bluetooth.com we got a special deal for church fans, okay? For the church family. Fuck fans, get 10% off your first month at BlueChew Gold. BlueChew Gold with code Joey J O E Y. That's promo code Joey J O E Y. Visit BlueChew.com for more details and safety information. And I want to thank BlueChew for sponsoring the church. Hey, Uncle Joey. Here. For starters, this podcast is brought to you by DraftKings Sportsbook, the number one sports book for live betting. Listen, there's only one UFC 324, and it's this Saturday. Once it's over, your shot to get on, the action is finite. Done. Gone. You blew another weekend. Again. Not this time, because DraftKings sportsbook is built for live betting, not just pre fight picks. In the ufc, one moment can flip the entire fight. One punch, one kick, one takedown. The outcome is completely different. New to DraftKings. Do yourself a favor. New customers can bet 5 bucks and get $300 in bonus bets like that if your bet wins. Hear me again. $300 in bonus bets if your bet wins with code Joey J O E Y. So do yourself a favor and do it for me, too. Do it for yourself. You're not sitting there like a fucking stroon. On the weekend. Download the DraftKings sportsbook app pressing code Joey J O E Y. That code Joey is going to turn five bucks into 300 in bonus bets if your bet wins. Okay? Now, this is in partnership with DraftKings. You know me. They're my partners in crime. And I love DraftKings. Why? Because the crown is yours.
- [57:18]
B
Gambling problem. Call 1-800-GAMBLER, NY. Call 877-8-HOPE and wire text hope and why connecticut? Call 888-789-7-7777 or 9 9. Visit ccpg.org on behalf of Boot Hill Casino in Kansas. Wager tax pass through may apply in Illinois, 21 and over in most states. Void in Ontario. Restrictions apply that must win to receive bonus bets which expire in seven days. Minimum odds required for additional terms and responsible gaming resources. See DKNG CO Audio Limited time offer.
- [57:43]
A
We're back, Jack. Anyway, what are we talking about, Lee?
- [57:48]
B
Talking a lot about comedy, but I wanted. I was in the break. I wanted to. Unless you have something you want to talk about with comedy.
- [57:54]
A
No, I got nothing. Hit me.
- [57:56]
B
I was. I just love your setup down here. Like, you have such. Like. I feel like this is like it is a man cave, but it's like, almost like you build it specifically so you don't have to go any. Like, I love. I've never seen a microwave in a base. Like, I love. I love it so much because I love that it's like the stoner in you. You probably have popcorn somewhere down here. Or, like, you have something. You put something in the. In the fridge. Yeah. The box of chips. No, the box of chips.
- [58:23]
A
No.
- [58:23]
B
But the microwave is where it's at because especially walking upstairs. You have to walk up two sets of stairs to your kitchen.
- [58:31]
A
So you probably have a coffee machine.
- [58:33]
B
Oh, what happened to the coffee sugar?
- [58:35]
A
We broke.
- [58:36]
B
Oh, man.
- [58:37]
A
Coffee machine down here? Yeah.
- [58:39]
B
You need to get the coffee. What, you like one. You need, like, something else? No, not a robot, but, like, I just. How often do you use the microwave?
- [58:51]
A
Once a week. They use it to make popcorn.
- [58:53]
B
Okay. I thought. I see me as the chubby dude. I thought you were getting high and like leaving like a thing of lasagna in the mini fridge.
- [59:01]
A
First of all, believe it or not, beside popcorn, I really don't try to eat. Really mice down here. I got the cat.
- [59:09]
B
Why would there be a mouse?
- [59:10]
A
So I don't. Sometimes she'll go, let's bring food. No, no, let's go upstairs.
- [59:14]
B
Dude, when I My.
- [59:16]
A
Listen, man, what were you gonna say?
- [59:19]
B
Well, because what I was gonna say is, at my fattest, like right before we left LA for like six months, in my bedroom, I had a mini fridge. I had a small one bedroom. It was like 16 steps to the fridge. And I still love it. I still love the idea of a mini fridge in the bedroom with. But it is fat. It was. I would. I, I had it at the end.
- [59:40]
A
What did you put? What could you possibly put?
- [59:43]
B
No, no, in my mind I was being.
- [59:44]
A
There was no water and health drinks in it.
- [59:46]
B
No, no, it was water and Diet Coke. And the water never got refilled? No, the same pack was in there the whole time.
- [59:53]
A
I know there was a snack. Ice cream cups.
- [59:55]
B
No, no, see, I didn't get free.
- [59:56]
A
Butter cups that were frozen or some.
- [59:58]
B
I didn't, I didn't get one with a freezer. That one wouldn't have been bad. But I'm sure I put a peanut like a pudding cup or something at some point in there.
- [60:05]
A
You know, man, since I've lived here, I've had a rough time adjusting, you know, like, I didn't know you have the gym. You do this, you go to the pool, the city pool. You go to games. You know, one day you're like, this is boring as fuck. This is great. You know, I'm part of a community. But God damn, all these are going home at 7:30 and their wives with a sheet in a hole in it. And that's it. I can't, I can't, I can't live like that. So I had a little beef with my wife Christmas two years ago, and I, you know, tempest flared, things were said and I started going out. You know, I didn't, I didn't fucking like it here sometimes. 94, I didn't like where I was living either. 95, I was out every night. I got rid of the TV and I started doing that. I started going to bars and hanging out with fucking crazy people. And I'm like, you know what, man? I'm not a bar guy. I've never been a bar guy. And I'm not gonna start now at 60. There's no fucking way I Could go to eat at a bar once a week, but to sit there and listen to drunk people. I'd rather fucking be shot. I'd rather be shot.
- [61:26]
B
Yeah, I was gonna say. Don't say. I've never once thought of you as a bar person.
- [61:30]
A
So I was fucking lost, you know? And about eight months ago, I go, you know what? I remember when I was a kid, I used to go to people's houses and I go, why do you go out? And they be like, well, because, you know, who wants to stay in on my dog? And George will tell you, when we were 23, I used to yell at him every night, you got a grandmother, you got a mother, you got a refrigerator, you got a tv. Where are you going? Where the fuck are you going? I was really adamant about it. And I would look at people who didn't that had families, and I go, why are you out? I don't have a fucking family. But if I did, I'd be at home watching TV with them. It's fucking Tuesday night. So I started thinking about those words I used to always tell people. When I first met Rogan, I used to ask him the same question. Why do you leave your fucking house? You have a fucking fish tank with a piranha in there. Why do you leave your fucking house?
- [62:36]
B
That's pretty cool.
- [62:37]
A
What is dad to do? That's cooler than fucking me just throwing mice in a fucking thing and seeing fucking. He had a piranha throwing legs in there and shit. And monkeys. Heads. He was getting fucking heads from some other country or something.
- [62:52]
B
Oh, my God.
- [62:53]
A
I don't fucking know. You got a full TV the size of this wall. You got a refrigerator that's empty, which means we can order from wherever. You follow me? I mean, I would ask him, why are you out? Your Uncle Mike, when we were kids, you got a basement with a TV reel to reel, couches, a box of condoms, a refrigerator filled with beer. Where you going? And I started thinking about my words. And I'm like, joey, it's time for me to fucking fuck up. You know, like, I've been fucking up. So I started trying to fall in love with this house. And it's perfect for me. I got the bathroom down here. I could take a shower in the morning. I got the garage, I got the fucking basement. I got my cable. I could fart. I can do whatever the fuck I want. That's what Donald Smoking is. That's what it is to behold, I guess. I don't know. This is the last thing I Wanted for me. The last thing I want is to be on this chair at seven o' clock when Jeopardy comes on quarter to six. I'm already putting sneakers on. Even with a bad knee. I'll get in the fucking car, sit in the driveway and put an album on. I do not want to sit in this motherfucker till at least 9 o'. Clock. But what are my options? You want me to get in the car and go for a ride and sit at some bar I don't want to be at or end up at fucking a strip club that I really don't want to be at? I feel like a relic in those places. So do the best thing you know, I was hoping to have this fixed. Like, you gotta give me the app to have the guy come over and have the pictures up. We're gonna refix this again. We're gonna get new couches. I guess she wants to get. I don't know. Fuck.
- [64:42]
B
It'S gonna be sad when you get rid of this couch.
- [64:44]
A
That's perfect for you. Make everything. I got books next door. Thank God for Bob Lalingas. I got two computers. I got a lap one and a real one in the back. Where do you want me to go?
- [64:55]
B
Nowhere.
- [64:56]
A
What do you want me. You want to go to a restaurant? Hey, how you doing? Yeah, give. Give him a drink. Fuck you. You. That's never been me. Walking a restaurant. Some Arab fucking. What's those restaurants in mid Jersey with the chubby chicks and belly dances and I'm supposed to be having a great time. Oh, yeah, they have them all over. They try to be New York clubs. The Hookah Lounge and they're in the. Ooh, and they're dancing and a bunch of guys with giant shirts on. What are you doing? What are you doing? They got these weird fucking bars in New Jersey and anytime I want to see Nick or George, we gotta go out to eat. That's not fun. That's not social life. We gotta go out to fucking eat. And I was like, how many. You know, every week you got. Oh, my God, I went to this restaurant. Aubrey, listen. Take that restaurant and shove it up your mother's ass. I got a backlog of 2,000 fucking restaurants and you want to fill me in with some other shitty fucking restaurant because they gave you a towel in the beginning, you know, I don't give a fuck.
- [66:05]
B
That's a nice towel, though.
- [66:06]
A
No, but it's the truth. It's like we don't have enough time. If you think I want to go out three Nights a week and drink wine and make believe I'm so. Oh, my God, I saw Pleaky Blounters. What is that show? I saw it. Oh, my God. It was. That's not me. I don't even hear in those fucking places. When I go to those places, I want a TV to be on so I don't have to talk because I can't hear right.
- [66:30]
B
You want to watch a game or something?
- [66:32]
A
I make believe I'm watching a game. I'm sitting there thinking about eating ass and fucking mugging somebody when I was 12, just looking straight ahead so nobody will talk to me.
- [66:41]
B
Now, if there was a place like a club or whatever that you. That was like 10 to 15 minutes from here, would you go out three or four nights a week?
- [66:50]
A
Yeah, yeah, absolutely. But again, it's a club that's down here. How many people want to see me four or five nights a week? They don't. So there's a couple locations around here that I could.
- [67:03]
B
But it's a long drive for you.
- [67:04]
A
Like a Wednesday, once a month. I put a call to the guy last week, so we talked a little bit. He's got a show running in there now, but he goes, I'm gonna try to get rid of him. So, yeah, I would do things like that. But again, for me, doing a show now is not what it used to be. I could care less about 3,000 people. I like to do a show with 80 people and a bunch of comics, and we could sit afterwards, smoke pot, and talk about our set. That's what I meant. Nerdy. Nerdy shit. That's what comedy's about. You have to do the nerdy work before you start doing theaters and all that shit. How come that set worked? What words do they use? You know, break somebody else's set down and see what attracted you to that person as a comedy, fucking whatever, you know, that's. I don't know, Lee.
- [68:00]
B
That's great. And I think that's what. Like, if you. I don't know, if you chose, like we've talked about you doing, not like an open mic, but like a booked, like, booking that. Like. Like, if you had some comics that you saw at the. At the dojo or wherever and you wanted to bring people, I think that'd be great. I was.
- [68:21]
A
What.
- [68:21]
B
Did you ever watch the Bear?
- [68:23]
A
No.
- [68:25]
B
There's something. There was. Part of it. There's. It doesn't matter. Any kitchen, they have something apparently that's called, like, a stage. Like, you go and you intern in the Kitchen for a week. And like, they learned a ton. And like every week it probably wouldn't be the same comics, but like, if a comic could spend two shows with you or, or like even just a show and like prepare the day before, have a writing session the day before and another writing session the day after, like, that would be great because like I, at every stage of my career, I've like just been so lost and like, I learned a little bit, but like, even now I'm completely lost. And I would love to have like.
- [69:09]
A
Guy, like, if I told you something, you're not going to believe this. You're supposed to be lost.
- [69:14]
B
That sucks.
- [69:15]
A
I didn't give you a job. When you're up on stage, it's you and a microphone. That's it. That's the thing about, it's like being born. Your mom, your mom pushes you out of a little stinky pussy and there you are without the unbiblical cord on the other side of the room getting your dick washed when you come out. That's it. That's it. This is what it is. I could teach you. We just spoke about that. I could give you a book. A book. In my opinion of step by step, it's never gonna work like that for you. It's never gonna work like that.
- [69:50]
B
Oh yeah, I know that. Yeah.
- [69:52]
A
And I'm not saying no, no, I totally get it. I'm saying that in 20 years, 30 years, you're gonna write a play by playbook and you're gonna try to give it to somebody. It's gonna help me. 40%. 40%. You learn from fucking getting on stage, whether it's a pizza parlor, you know, because I loved when I was doing comedy eight years and I had a couple good shows one week, and now you're walking a little like, you know, HBO should be calling any shit and you walk into like a pizza place that you would usually kill at and every other comic does great, but you eat a bag of dick. You know, I hate when that happens and it happens. And that's how you learn. You're not going to learn from me. There's nobody, there's nothing I could teach you that's going to teach you a detour. There's nothing I could teach you that's going to. There's no fucking comedy book that I could put out that's going to make you overcome least what first, you know.
- [71:01]
B
And you know what's funny? That's not even the worst one.
- [71:03]
A
Now I'm not even goofing. On you.
- [71:05]
B
No, I know you're not.
- [71:05]
A
I know.
- [71:05]
B
I know you're not.
- [71:06]
A
Right? You never thought in that whole book, when you go home that night, you're gonna go lease. What? Where the. No.
- [71:13]
B
I would write a chat if I like. And I'm nowhere near writing a book, but if I was gonna write one, I would write a thing. How to react. I've been brought up as Zach. I've. Dude, it's like, Zach. Yeah, just Zach. You know, there's no last name. It was. It was like, dude.
- [71:29]
A
But that's.
- [71:29]
B
I would add that to my thing. And if that's the one thing that people learned from me, then maybe they'd be ready for it because no one, no one ever told me that I would be brought up as Lee Swat with. With the lights on, with the girl I was talking to in the front row with my mom in the crowd.
- [71:47]
A
This is why comedy is so fucking unique, okay? This is why comedy is so unique. Framing. These are things that you don't learn by reading or there's a master book. You have to tell them, George. Guess what, Joey. I cut this thing two inches too long. And guess what? When it costs you a day of labor, 200 out of your pocket, you learn. Yeah, learn. And that's. I can't prepare you for that. And that book I wrote, I told you, follow these steps. You're going to go home and go, where the fuck do you go for mispronouncing your name? Or. Or. Hey, Lee, what are you doing Saturday night? Nothing. I run a show. It starts at 10:30. I could probably put you up like fifth. I'll give you 15 minutes. Really? Yeah. You the idiot. You are. You, Mom, Aisha, Fucking George, Nick. Instead of just treading the waters by yourself down there, that's what we've all done that. Hey. People always ask me when I have a show. Let me invite them to this bar. And now here they are, they're dressed in their Friday best. Lee's going to go down there and he's going to go up at 9:30. And they already planned. They're going to go to get pasta with the cheese.
- [73:16]
B
That sounds good.
- [73:17]
A
They already made so many plans. And you get there and all of a sudden fucking Tim Dillon shows up. He does an hour. There goes your restaurant reservation. Now you're more concerned about that than the set because you're worried about these six idiots that you should have never invited. You should have kept your fucking mouth shut. Let me come with you, Because that's going to Happen. There's not in my 10 chapter page of the book. It's not going to describe the feeling you have and how by the time it's time for you to go up there, you're going to eat a bag of dick. How about you go to the Comedy Store on a Sunday, you get past, they don't even have to call your agent. Mitzi passes you. And Monday, you tell all your friends I got passed at the store and shit. I got a spot tonight at 10:45 like a motherfucker. And all these idiots, your neighbors, the girls you're trying to fuck. And you get down there and Eddie Griffin's already on two hours looking like he's gonna get off. You brought 11 people. You brought people from your building, people that got to get up in the morning. Now you're all sitting there like you can't buy. You can't buy them all a drink because they'll bankroll you. Hey, let me at least buy you. You gotta. You gotta hide from them and come in every 30 minutes.
- [74:49]
B
You know, you can't even do that. You can't even go. It's all. You can sneak through the club and be like, I'm going up in two.
- [74:55]
A
And then when there's two people left at a quarter to two, I look up and go, Lee, you ready to come up here? And you're like, no. Really?
- [75:05]
B
Yeah.
- [75:06]
A
That happened to me. I got back to the Comedy Store, the whole building came. I opened my fucking mouth every. Oh, we'll come 10:45, we'll be there. I had 30 people in there. Eddie Griffin was a two fucking. He ended up doing four hours and finally called my name at a quarter to two. And I was basically drowning in my tears. Your first spot on at the store. And this is how. There's not a book to describe that.
- [75:32]
B
No.
- [75:32]
A
And there's not a book to describe that feeling until it happens to you.
- [75:38]
B
It's hap. Oh, my God, that.
- [75:39]
A
Can you imagine? For four hours we just sat there. Water. And I had to sit in the room because I want to be ready.
- [75:48]
B
Yeah.
- [75:48]
A
So they all left. They walked around the hallways and talk to people. I had to sit there like a fucking ugly chick at a problem. Just sit there.
- [75:57]
B
Did you give him the light at all?
- [75:59]
A
No, you can't give Eddie Griffin the light. He's a fucking TV show.
- [76:02]
B
Jesus.
- [76:03]
A
He was on a TV show at the time.
- [76:05]
B
There's no light. There's four hours.
- [76:08]
A
It was Mitzi Shaw. What if you go to the Laugh Factory and chappelle's doing four hours. At least you feel better because one of the girls that comes in is going to go, at least you got to see Chappelle. Shut the fuck up, bitch. You came here to see me fuck Chappelle, and now you hate Chappelle for the rest of your life. Oh, I'm sure you'll hate him because he bumped you for four hours. So now people go, hey, did you see Chappelle Special? Fuck that motherfucker. You know, why don't you like him? I got personal reasons. What happened?
- [76:39]
B
No, because you don't even understand. I'm even not. I'm nowhere close to getting passed at the store. And just the idea of someone running the light by 3 hours and 45. At what point did you just give up and just like sit in your.
- [76:52]
A
All those dudes used to run the light, Andrew. Oh, the other prick. They used to run four or five hour lights, man, and people be there. I remember the one dude had a show on a Sunday at 9, and he got all these comics to do 15 minutes a piece. He didn't put the first comic on till 11, 15 dogs.
- [77:12]
B
And he made all those comics bring people.
- [77:15]
A
No, no, he. He sold off the show himself. But he told these young comics, come on down, let me give you 15 in front of my audience, but put them up till 11:15.
- [77:26]
B
Jesus. After he went up.
- [77:29]
A
That book doesn't prepare you for that. That's why I tell people, do your time. It's very important when you're a respectful comic, no matter how big you get, no matter how big you get, you got to be a respectful comic and respect other comics. I never ran the light at the store. I never got a warning. In fact, I get ready to get out of there early.
- [77:49]
B
Mm.
- [77:50]
A
Those people that the light comes on, they torture the light like three minutes. Let me tell you one more thing, motherfucker. Get the fuck off that stage, bitch. Yeah, that's a problem we have. We don't have people that'll go, yo, get the fuck off the stage.
- [78:05]
B
I've never run into that.
- [78:06]
A
Now there's nice people.
- [78:07]
B
Yeah, people. Don't people run the light and it gets around, but it's like two minutes, five minutes. Like, that's like probably a friend, a.
- [78:15]
A
Dear friend that loves running the light and I won't use them. I love him and I know he needs the money, but because he runs the light constantly. And I've told him, okay, since you don't care, there's no money coming from Papa, I can Put him on all my shows. I love him that much. But he won't stop running the fucking light. Done. That's the most disrespectful thing you could do.
- [78:44]
B
Yeah.
- [78:45]
A
You know, I came up in Seattle where they had a five minute light and by six minutes you had to be off the stage. If that light turned to seven, you got a month's mention. Good. And if you won the contest, you got disqualified.
- [79:02]
B
They're even more strict. Like now contests are like, if you go over by like five seconds.
- [79:06]
A
Yeah.
- [79:06]
B
It's like not even.
- [79:07]
A
No, it's six minutes.
- [79:09]
B
Yeah.
- [79:09]
A
They want wrap it up at 5:30, give them a hard, you know, open up with a minute. The second minute you go into your fucking monster bit. And I'd rather you leave on that than tread the light and let them laugh. Let them in front of a contest the judge is all going to remember is that last fucking thing anyway. But we'll talk about that some other time. I'm not a contest comic. We play for real. We ain't playing for no contest. A contest in front of five partial judges. Two of the judges know the comic from the comedy club. All of them. Yeah. So I'm not doing that. I don't. I don't play that shit. But anyway, where you at this week, cocksucker?
- [79:47]
B
Batavia, Illinois. The Comedy Vault. Batavia. Josh Wolf. January 22nd to 22nd airport you're flying into. Oh, here.
- [79:56]
A
It'S going to be cold.
- [79:58]
B
Yeah, it is.
- [79:59]
A
You have no idea.
- [80:00]
B
I'm. I'm just cryo.
- [80:02]
A
And sometimes the ice is slippery and the plane goes right into the back gate.
- [80:07]
B
Right.
- [80:08]
A
You know, that does in Chicago all the time.
- [80:10]
B
Thank you very much. You should. You should call me tomorrow night.
- [80:14]
A
Are you connecting flights? No, thank God. Chicago and then driving out.
- [80:20]
B
Yeah.
- [80:21]
A
Oh, all right.
- [80:26]
B
Five shows, three of them already sold out. It's gonna be a lot of fun. Really excited.
- [80:29]
A
You eat mushrooms this Friday?
- [80:30]
B
Yes.
- [80:31]
A
You see the bags of mushrooms he's got?
- [80:33]
B
Yes. He sent it to me. Yeah, that was the craziest picture.
- [80:36]
A
We don't eat mushrooms on a Friday. Fire him. Send them home. He goes, why? I go, because he's part of the family. He's got to eat mushrooms and more than last semester. That was last semester. When you're doing a gram. I can only eat a gram of ham. I need honey. Fuck, no. This time you're eating three and there ain't no honey. All right, the bees.
- [80:56]
B
First of all, it was two. And yes, honey was nice.
- [80:59]
A
Yeah. No more fucking honey. Me I'm going to be at the dojo Thursday night if my knee allows. If not, I'll go down there with a wheelchair and fucking. I can't keep going up and down. So I'm only doing one set of Ruski at the end or something. And then we got Staten island the week after the 31st at the St. George Theater. Tickets are still available. Go to the St. George website, not the other fucking website. Then hit me up. Show you the tickets are $800 because you're on fucking fuck me in the ass ticket sales instead of just going to the St. George Theater. Where's the show? The St. George Theater. Why would you go buy a link from anything fucking else?
- [81:37]
B
It's on Ticketmaster.
- [81:38]
A
Ticketmaster, whatever the.
- [81:39]
B
Any, it's at the St. George Theater. But if you go to the Ticketmaster app, those are going to be the legit tickets.
- [81:44]
A
Right away. You want to go to another page and. Who told you?
- [81:48]
B
No one told you. It's Google and they're very confusing.
- [81:51]
A
Nobody told you to go there. What's he performing? St. George Theater. All right, let me type in the St. George Theater. Let's see what's going on over there. You know what I'm saying, people? Anyway.
- [82:00]
B
Is that how you go through the Internet?
- [82:03]
A
Good to see you.
- [82:04]
B
Good to see you, buddy.
- [82:05]
A
Ready for a nice cheeseburger, A nice bowl of pasta with shrimp? Always. Let's do this shit. I love you guys. Sorry about the Voodoo Lounge. Hopefully I'll have better news for you next week. We won't have to cut this motherfucker on Friday or something. And that's it. I love you cocksuckers. Thank you for watching. Stay black. Say good night, Lee.
- [82:25]
B
Good night, Lee.
- [82:29]
A
It.