← The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament
The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament
From beyond the grave, Happy Birthday!
01:02:05
Joey Diaz sends the worst birthday card ever and plans his own funeral. SHOW NOTES Support the show and get 15% off your Bioma order with the code JOEY at https://gobioma.com/church
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- [00:03]
A
Kick this mule. What's happening? Beautiful people. Uncle Joey and his trusted savage, Mr. Lee Boom Boom Syed, the director from Israel. It's another new episode of the Church of what's Happening Now? New Testament coming at you. It's September 30th. It's over rent day tomorrow. And you're still looking at yourself thinking, what am I gonna do? You know what I'm saying? I know what you're gonna do. Nothing. What's up, dog?
- [00:51]
B
Good to see you, dude.
- [00:52]
A
Good to see you. Very interesting weekend.
- [00:55]
B
I know.
- [00:55]
A
Very interesting all the way around. People mad about commerce, going to Riyadh, wherever. They're going over to Saudi Arabia.
- [01:01]
B
Did they call you? Do they call you?
- [01:04]
A
Oh, every day. They called me to go to Saudi. Are you fucking kidding me?
- [01:07]
B
I would love to see you at that festival.
- [01:09]
A
No, you wouldn't, because they have a list of rules. What are the rules? I don't know. You can't say much. Listen, all I learned about this was online and comics hating. You know, people hating. Like, why are they going up? Listen, man. They're going to pick up an envelope.
- [01:25]
B
A big one.
- [01:26]
A
A big one. Okay. Your butt's hurt because you're not picking up an envelope. I don't know what to tell you. Is it against American policy? Is it. I don't know. Would I go? Me, I'm scared because I get to Saudi Arabia and the steak don't taste like steak. I'm getting back on the plane, that's all. That's why I don't travel, because I'm scared. I already went to Jamaica one time. And on the car ride, I remember looking at the chickens and they were skinny as fuck. And I'm like, I'm not eating that shit. And I remember going to the hotel and everything looked bad. I was shooting a movie and everything was inclusive. Everything was bad. And I'm like, where else can I eat? And they're like, McDonald's. And I'm like, no, we gotta go right now. We're leaving. I left. They fired me. They fired me.
- [02:08]
B
I gotta be honest. They have oil money. I think the steaks are gonna taste great.
- [02:13]
A
I think you're gonna.
- [02:14]
B
The bacon's gonna suck. There's no bacon.
- [02:16]
A
Like, I saw a picture, Chappelle come in and somebody hands him something, if that's a hummus shot, I gotta throw it right back in their face. I can't eat that. That's against policy. Why do they.
- [02:25]
B
Do you really think they walk around giving people hummus shots?
- [02:27]
A
I don't Listen, I don't know. I just. They might. The problem with everything now is that everybody's got a fucking opinion and everybody's got a complaint, you know, you can't go on YouTube no more. YouTube. My first page of YouTube is a fucking cry fest of who's selling out, who's woke, who's anti woke. This comedy scene in Austin, it's. It's. And everybody's hating. Nobody's popping anybody up. Nobody's going, hey, man, this is what's going on. It's just 15 videos of fucking. You know how everybody's doing everything wrong.
- [03:07]
B
Well, it's sad, but, like, you put up a video that says a comic gives love to all of his favorite comics, it'll get six views. Put up a video so and so is a pedophile or like, whatever. Like, that's gonna get 8 million views. That just. It's the way it works.
- [03:23]
A
But listen, man, people say on YouTube that they shouldn't because there's a lot of people overstepping that. I don't know what people call them young kids call it something staying out.
- [03:33]
B
Of getting your lane or something.
- [03:34]
A
When you put a video up and it really takes you somewhere else or something.
- [03:38]
B
Oh, clickbait.
- [03:39]
A
Something like that. I don't even know what that means. There's a couple of those expressions, right? I just thought it's like when you see an article and it goes, UFC fighter, but they show a picture of Jon Jones, gets in trouble, and then you click it and it's really some fucking white kid in Iowa that got a dui, right?
- [03:55]
B
Yeah, yeah.
- [03:55]
A
I don't know. You know, that type of shit. They do a lot of that, but still, it's. My point is, everybody's got a fucking opinion now. Serbia's gonna have. And it seems like lately in the world we live in today, people have more bad opinions than good things to say. Especially on the Internet. There's never. You know. And then if you do get good stuff, there's always that one guy that throws a curveball at you that you're like, where'd this come from? Like, where's this come from?
- [04:26]
B
Mad about something from, like, years ago.
- [04:27]
A
Where'd this come from? You're like, okay, they're mad at that. But, like, you know, I just learned about the Riyadh festival, right? It was funny because I saw a big agent Saturday night, and I looked at him and I go, how come you know that? Riyadh. He goes, I'm not going over there. He goes, why do you Want to go next year? And I was like I don't think so. I got no passport.
- [04:48]
B
That. Honestly dude, that must have saved you. So I mean, I know it sucks you can't go to some places, but just to not even have that on your radar must be great because people, they've done some, they've done some crazy. It's like not a good place to take money from, but that they're also giving people like they had that golf league that was like hundreds of millions of dollars.
- [05:11]
A
$100 million.
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B
The soccer guy they gave a billion dollars to.
- [05:15]
A
500 million. They gave him. Yeah, 500 million. And that's nothing for them. Oh yeah, that's a piggy bank in under the fucking table they forgot about.
- [05:22]
B
There's no budget for anything, are it? And I'm going to be honest with you, is it are Abu Dhabi. And I know you probably don't know, but is Abu Dhabi and Dubai, are these all the same places?
- [05:34]
A
Dog, I got an effing geography. I don't know why you're asking me this, because I.
- [05:38]
B
Because who's the one that's, that's sponsoring the NBA? That's Saudi Arabia too, and that's Riyadh. And like they're, they're on every NBA. Like every NBA floor has Saudi Arabia. And I don't. I would love to have everyone thinks they have morals. But I have to be honest. If I got offered a $200,000 check to do stand up, I mean that's kind of hard. It's hard to turn down. I'd like to think I would.
- [06:12]
A
Remember we discussed a couple months ago, for weeks, the moment before. Listen, there's. Look, what's the guy who's dating the blonde chick in Kansas City? Football player Travis Kelce. He got paid $10 million for those MPIC shots. Okay? I want you guys to think about that even at home. $10 million. You're sitting there, some guy calls you 10 million to put your face on those emprics. I don't know. Listen, I'm not talking about COVID vaccines. I don't want nobody to think I'm doing out misinformation. We're just talking here. We're just talking with all the good and bad in the world that's going on with COVID and the vaccine he took $10 million. What would you do, Lee? Now if you were a guy that was making 100,000 a year, that's one thing, but this guy's been getting paid, okay? And at the middle of all that he stopped and some people caught selling their soul. I don't know what he's got going on. Maybe he's got a mother that's sick, you know, I know she's not. Maybe. Cause that's a mom that used to go to two games in one day. Like she would drive and then fly, you know, I don't know what's going on there. Maybe he's got a niece with autism. Maybe he's got a nephew in a wheelchair. I don't fucking know. And that's what we don't know. Before we fucking assume what the fuck is going on. I mean, half of the comics on that list have more money than gut.
- [07:37]
B
You think so?
- [07:38]
A
I can't imagine what they're giving them. What they're giving them. But people have to. This is what the world we live in. People were pissed about the Haktuah girl. We get pissed about anybody who. It's like that thing that they talked about in Godfather of Harlem when they started their black thing, their own black mafia. And he goes, you know, it's like black people. And they shouldn't have said black people because this is everybody, you know, once you're in a crew and the crab that's trying to get out of the bucket, they pull em down. And that's what it seems like to me on the Internet these days. Like, I saw something maybe two weeks ago about music. This is fucking Led Zeppelin. I just went to put Led Zeppelin on. On YouTube. You know, sometimes you hit the bar and it rolls up by mistake. And it rolled up and it was like, these guys suck. They wouldn't make it around today. And I'm like, why would you. Let's Led Zeppelin. Even Led Zeppelin gets hate mail.
- [08:39]
B
Yeah.
- [08:40]
A
So Led Zeppelin gets fucking hate mail. What does that tell you?
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B
Hey, you should feel lucky to get hate mail.
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A
How the fuck do you say. I mean, these guys put out nine albums, 10 albums. I don't know how many albums they've sold. They had a song that they stole. It's controversial. They got away with it, you know, I don't know how many kids got buried to Stairway to Heaven from 1975 to 1990. Every time you went to a wake, at least Hudson county, they had Stairway to Heaven on it.
- [09:10]
B
No, they didn't.
- [09:10]
A
Yes, they did. A million kids have died. And Stairway to Heaven, when my mom died, I played it. It's just a natural. Stupid fucking thing you do is that. That was the number one most requested song in the country for probably 22 or 23 years, I get on the radio.
- [09:27]
B
But at a wake seems a little inappropriate, dog.
- [09:30]
A
I had motherfuckers that put kiss on at a wake. They don't give a fuck. This Hudson county motherfucker.
- [09:35]
B
No, Jews do it very differently.
- [09:36]
A
Go to a Cuban wake, they got a salsa band, not a salsa album. They got three Cubans with conga drums fucking and a Moroccan. People dancing. And you're like, it's a fucking deathbed. But guess what? Not a bad idea.
- [09:51]
B
No, they're having fun.
- [09:53]
A
Cause how sad can you be to sit there and cry when you dressed, Women are playing and, you know, people are sweating and shit.
- [10:01]
B
Geez, I don't know. I hate that I'm asking you this, but I feel like the. You're going to have a yes. Have you started planning, like, do you have a plan for your funeral?
- [10:11]
A
Like, I want them to burn me.
- [10:13]
B
Oh, Jesus.
- [10:13]
A
Right in a little box. And then we'll give out packages. We'll have. I told my wife I want a. Like, a little ceremony where you give out ash to everybody and they get to take home, like, a mascara. But it's a picture of my balls on the mascot. Two fucking balls in my prime, so you always remember who the fuck I was. The documentary, not this ugly face, not the. No teeth, not the trump ear, none of that shit. Not my pigeon toe, not my fungi toe. You're gonna go home and have to put that on your refrigerator. Two fucking Cuban nuts with that birthmark in the middle. How you like me now? Even from the grave I'm haunting you motherfuckers. I'm getting a thousand of those, so they're going to be collector's items also.
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B
And it's going to be nice. Are you going to sign any?
- [11:00]
A
No, I'm just going to give them out. But there's only, like, 500 of them. It's like having a credit card from Dan from. What's that restaurant that we go to in Brooklyn? What's the joint, the steakhouse where you walk over the bridge?
- [11:11]
B
Luger's.
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A
Yeah, Peter Luger's. Peter Lugers. You ever got a Peter Luger credit card?
- [11:14]
B
I haven't been there yet.
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A
That's when you know you're a bad motherfucker when you throw that card down and go, what?
- [11:19]
B
You know, have you heard, like, some celebrities, they figured out so their wives get flowers every week. I. Look, I like the ball card idea, but knowing you, you should have, like. You should give, like, this company money. Be, like, just send them out to these lists of at, like, these addresses. Because can you imagine people getting it in the mail? A card. And it's your balls. Like 10 years, geniusly. Just still.
- [11:44]
A
Or like Federal Express knocking on your door.
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B
Yeah.
- [11:47]
A
When you're in the shower, bing, bong. And you open it. It's a picture of my nuts from beyond the grave. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. That's genius. That's bro. We should start that company where we fucking. That was the company. And things to do in Denver, when you're dead, you put tapes down. And then when your grandkids grow old and they want advice from you, you go down there, you put the tapes on, right? And they showed the one guy, listen. Treat women like shit, like I treated your grandmother. They're all pieces. And you fucking.
- [12:23]
B
And. But this one is just pictures of your balls.
- [12:25]
A
That's it, everybody. Can you imagine? It's your birthday and you get one of those Federal Express at your doors with my balls. Happy birthday from beyond the grave. That's the fucking card. Oh, let me tell you something that'll send you into fucking. How does he know he's still alive? He. He's like that Cuban woman. He's in Cuba. She finally died. The chick that shot the cop two blocks ass. Hiding in Cuba.
- [12:48]
B
Damn. I had no idea she was hiding.
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A
How long she been hiding there? Seventy years. And they couldn't even go down there and get her out. What does that tell you?
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B
That's fucked up. 70 years in Cuba.
- [13:06]
A
But, yeah, all those things. I don't wanna plan my funeral. No, it's boring. It's fucking. But you want people to be alive. Like, I went somewhere the other night. I went somewhere that should have been alive. I went to a comedy show and I walked in the back and it was like a Netflix shooting, and it was like a fucking church. And I had two joints of moon rock in my pocket. And I took about 20 minutes of that disaster. And I fucking asked one of the camera guys, I go, you got a lighter? He goes, yeah, you can't smoke in here. I go, dope. It's a fucking morgue in here. We gotta set the herb man free. I just started smoking. People were looking at me like I had three heads. And I was clapping by myself like an idiot. I took two of those fucking 500mg Mendocloud. I had a thousand milligrams in me. I went to the first show and then I shot over to fucking Smith and Wolensky and I devoured a split green pea soup.
- [14:02]
B
Nice.
- [14:02]
A
With croutons in it. Then I fucking dug into the fucking. The steak. I had some tuna tartar. Wasn't bad, but it's not my favorite. But it was good. I wanted the protein, you know what I'm saying? I'm out and about. I'm an old man. I need protein. And I got the fucking steak and I smoked another Moon Rock and I went back up there. And then things got deep and I told the driver, let's go, motherfucker. And that was it. I was home by 11:15 Saturday night. I had to wait for Mercy. Mercy went to Great Adventure and she got home at like midnight. I'm like, fuck, for a 12 year old to get home at midnight. What did I do wrong? Yeah, I had to wait for her. I'm gonna check her eyes, make sure she's not drinking and shit, you know.
- [14:47]
B
Oh, she went with just her friends.
- [14:49]
A
Yeah, like ten of them. Ten little eight year old.
- [14:51]
B
Did you check her eyes?
- [14:52]
A
Oh, fuck, yeah. I want to see when she walks in the door. I want to see that she's not disheveled, you know, I want to make sure. Because like that, if somebody does say something to me, I could go, oh, she's right. She walked in here like OJ after he killed his wife. All fucked up, eyes all over the goddamn place. See, I can't have that.
- [15:11]
B
Eyes like oj.
- [15:12]
A
You gotta wait for your kid and you gotta. I have to let her know now that I'm gonna be awake every time she walks in that fucking door. So I gotta set a precedent today, not tomorrow. Not threaten her with it. I didn't mind that she was out till midnight. Listen, what's the option? She's gonna sit in that fucking room and watch Brooklyn 9, 9 till midnight and then come down and watch the Honeymooners till one with me. I'd rather her. She only gonna learn about life if I kick her out of the fucking house, right? You know, to a degree. Her mother wasn't with her. Her mother had her own problems.
- [15:45]
B
Was this the first time my wife.
- [15:46]
A
Got her fucking teeth yanked out? She wasn't leaving the goddamn house at all. I gotta keep bringing her back Carvel milkshakes. Cause that's all she could eat for two days.
- [15:54]
B
Did you get one for yourself?
- [15:56]
A
The first day I went, I got a 12 ounce, small, thin. And it's the owner, the Chinese guy, he knows how to make a shake. Velvet. Velvet.
- [16:06]
B
See, I finally found my first thick one in the city. But I don't want to leave the Mercy stuff. Was this the first Time that you had to wait up for her.
- [16:15]
A
I was nervous about it all night. Cause I knew first of all, she was punished. So when she came to me and she goes, dad, a bunch of girls. I'm like, oh, no. I go, listen, you got a fucking deferred sentence. Which means if you fuck up again, I'm gonna bang you out with the two weeks. I'm gonna add another two weeks, and I'm gonna take your phone, I'm gonna jump up and down on top of it 80 times. So note that's the fucking punishment if you fuck with me again. Okay? So you could go. Go have a good time. I offered her money. She goes, no, I got my own cash. She's out of her mind. She went down there. But when she came home, she had like a ripped shirt. Like a. Like, she was a spooky Halloween character. I don't listen. I don't ask. I just look for scratches and shit. I look at her nails to see if there was blood in them, whatever the fuck, because God knows. So I just had listen, I believe in that shit. I know how I grew up, and I wish there would have been somebody there. Most nights they would do surprise attacks, so I would always. And in those days, you come home, you're like, fuck, I just wasted that Visine for nothing. Had some CK cologne or something. Because you had to put cologne on ck. You had to think a little bit of. And you couldn't get Listerine in small bottles. Then Banaka or Scope. Scope.
- [17:31]
B
Right.
- [17:31]
A
And I wouldn't even spit it out. I just drink it because you know it's in your fucking testicles, whatever the fuck it is. Yeah.
- [17:38]
B
But then I also, like. Doesn't that also just prove you're guilty? Like, why else are you coming home smelling like mouthwash at 2 in the morning?
- [17:45]
A
I did always. Oh, no.
- [17:47]
B
Every kid does it. It's just.
- [17:49]
A
Who the fuck knows? But you have to be prepared if they're awake.
- [17:52]
B
Yeah. My eyes is real bright sometimes.
- [17:54]
A
She knew I drank, so I could always blame it on. But she also knew I wasn't a drinker. She knew it from watching your mom. Yeah, she's watched the refrigerator. There's no beers missing in my house. There's no alcohol missing. Every once in a while, somebody come over and I go, you want to pour some out and pour water in it or something, you know?
- [18:12]
B
Right.
- [18:12]
A
But no, I wasn't a drinker, so she trusted me with that. So if I had booze on my breast, she didn't give a Fuck. She knew I only had one beer. And then she'd tell me, put the toilet next to your fucking bed cause you're gonna puke. Cause she knew I was an alcohol puker.
- [18:26]
B
Oh, damn.
- [18:27]
A
That was the giveaway. I always got sick.
- [18:30]
B
And you were 15 when your mom passed.
- [18:33]
A
Yeah, 16. It was like two years before that. I drank one night I went to that kid who was here, I told you, the villo. And they were drinking out of the garbage can and fucking woke up in a lawn a block and a half from his house. And I got woken up by a cop that we used to play basketball with. That was a great man. But he wore colored socks. In the 70s, that was a no no. In our neighborhood, if you had sneakers on, like these idiots today that you see with sandals on and colored socks, that's a beating. In North Bergen, that was a beaten.
- [19:04]
B
That's a verbeaten.
- [19:05]
A
Just a couple smacks to the face and go home and put the right socks on. Because even the high school threw you out. Because in those days they said if you cut your foot, the ink from the sock would leak into the cut and you'd die, right? So the fucking school even had a rule. No colored fucking socks. So, like, Spanish kids didn't want to do gyms. So they wear like the Puerto Rican socks. Like the guinea socks with the fucking strings and shit. No gym, you get an F for the day. Hey, you weren't allowed to wear those. Shit. Now people wear black socks up the ear with slip flops. Twenty years ago, they call you in an alley. Come here. I want to give you something.
- [19:39]
B
I just want to make sure I under. It's white socks.
- [19:41]
A
White socks, always. So he used to. Whenever he wore black socks, we would foul him. That was our thing. Whenever he wore the black socks. I know. Cause they're young, they don't fucking know the rules.
- [19:54]
B
I've always worn black socks.
- [19:55]
A
Black, gray.
- [19:57]
B
The white ones get all stained.
- [19:58]
A
Yeah, I know.
- [19:59]
B
I've always worn white.
- [20:00]
A
I got a pus stain by my fink. Fungi. Toenail.
- [20:02]
B
You got a pus stain on your toenail.
- [20:04]
A
It's a joke. It's a joke.
- [20:05]
B
I don't think it is a joke.
- [20:06]
A
It's a joke. But anyway, whenever we play and he'd wear the black socks, we'd foul him. Heavy duty, under the basket. We'd all jump on him. A karate chop and shit. So he got the hint. He started wearing white socks. But he picked me up. He woke me up at six in the morning on Richie Sinsulo's lawn and said what? You're fucking drunk, Coco. You have to go home. He put me in the cop car. He knocked on my door and my mother answered the fucking door. And what happened? I picked her up, picked him up on the lawn. And my mother smelled the alcohol and the whole fucking deal.
- [20:40]
B
Are you gonna be. Cause like, I grew up in a very strict house. Like, none of that was cool. And then like, I mean, you are who you are. What if she came home smelling like something?
- [20:55]
A
If I came home?
- [20:56]
B
No, what if she came home? Like, how strict are you going to be? Are you going to. Like, is she allowed to drink? I mean, what do you now. She's way too young, I would imagine.
- [21:04]
A
But let me explain something to you. The children that are out today, at least in my neighborhood, and when I talk to parents, these kids don't do much. They're not looking at it like we did. It's not. Kids today aren't growing up with drugs around like kids. And like in my town, a lot of parents smoke pot, don't smoke. They take gummies.
- [21:32]
B
Right?
- [21:33]
A
That's in the 70s. It was mother's little helper, you know what I'm saying? So that drinking shit ain't. Isn't like here. Remember, I grew up in a place where, right across that fucking bridge, I get whatever I want at whatever fucking time I want. That's a very ugly concept to have in your mind when you're right here and you're 10 minutes away from the most outrageous city in the world at that time. I know from peep shows to alcohol to drugs on the street, to the Village. You had this Central Park, McSolley's Ale House, Washington Square Park. You had this whole thing where it was drug kind of ridden in those days, you know? And I'm not saying there's no drugs in New York City. There's tons of fucking drugs. But it's not in your face no more like the kids are not.
- [22:26]
B
I've heard that drinking's down for sure.
- [22:28]
A
Drinking's down, drinking's down. I guarantee. Vaping and smoking pots gotta be up at that age. I don't know. I'm not a. A fucking whatever.
- [22:36]
B
But there's. I mean, there's always gonna be like, people are gonna find it. But yeah, I think you're right. That probably stuff is on the way down. But she's gonna. Everyone experiment.
- [22:46]
A
She's getting exposed to it right now.
- [22:48]
B
Yeah, okay.
- [22:49]
A
The best thing I'm doing right now, she's never seen me Smoke. But she smells it when you're exposed to it and you see the effects. Like if she goes to school and they're like, you know, marijuana causes narcolepsy and it causes this and it causes that, and it'll make you. She's sitting in the back going, my fucking dad smokes every fucking day, right? And he's tip top Magoo. He's functioning. He has a job, he does this, he goes to the gym, he talks to my mom, he goes to dates with my mom. I mean, what the fuck? So it was the same for me when I was growing up, and it was even worse in the 70s, the propaganda for anti smoke. I had a godfather who picked me up every Saturday on his own merit and take me to Times Square and take me to a movie, and he'd take me to Tad Steakhouse and he'd take me to see, like, girls dance. You know, like, even at a young age, you go, come on, you like girls, right? And I go, I don't know. Yeah, he liked girls, but he always smoked. And all that happened to him was he'd giggle, his eyes would get red, and then he'd go to work on Monday through Friday and pick me up on Saturdays. So for years you hear this rhetoric of what marijuana does to you. And I look at him and I go, I don't know what they're talking about. This guy didn't have long hair, he didn't play rock music. He, you know.
- [24:11]
B
Yeah, I get that. But I mean, I think there has to be a limit somewhere. Like, you wouldn't want her smoking now, I don't think.
- [24:19]
A
Fuck no. I don't ever want to smoke. I don't ever want her to do the things that I did. That's what you want for your child. Listen, in six years, she might be somewhere. She might start smoking when she's 16 or 17, but I doubt it because she's really into athletic shit, right? And she was telling me one time, she goes, maybe you don't breathe good because all those years you're smoking, you know, they listen to that shit. It's a different child today. So you pray for the best, right? You don't want them to get hurt and for them to get pain medication and then shoot the gap for heroin or something like that. These are things you want to avoid. But you see them, you see them as a parent, you see them as a human being. So all I want to do is listen. I have to accept whatever happens, but I also have to monitor what goes on in my house. I came from a house where alcohol was king. I don't drink. Don't fucking tell me I came from a house where there was a weapon in the house all the fucking time. I knew how to clean a gun when I was a kid. You don't see me carrying a weapon. I never shot up to school. I don't have a violent past like that. So do you understand? Like, this is what's made me think about when you put it in front of kids, you know, if I have a fucking gun and you have to climb up and get on stairs and then open up a safe, maybe that intrigues the mind. I know it would intrigue me. If I get home at three and my father don't get home till five, I'm gonna try to get that fucking safe.
- [25:56]
B
Right, of course.
- [25:57]
A
And I know George has done it. We've all done it. We get intrigued and we look through our parents shit and all that stuff, but when they know you have it, like, it's a big difference. I don't think I like alcohol because I was exposed to it at such an early age, at such a high fucking volume, that I was like, I don't ever want to end like that.
- [26:18]
B
Right?
- [26:19]
A
When I was 14, I would see my mother yell up for me at 8, and she would be making me breakfast or whatever, and at the same time, she'd be pouring a fucking Heineken in tomato juice. If she ate, she would do tomato juice. If she didn't eat, she'd do V8. You're a fucking alcoholic. I don't ever want to wake up at eight in the morning and have to pour a fucking Heineken in tomato juice. And fine, she was a functioning addict. She was out of the house 35 minutes later in the city fucking buying records for the album, for the bar, ordering meat, whatever the fuck. But. But that's not the point. I grew up with that. Not that she was sloppy either. There was no slop, but I grew up with that. I don't want that in my house. There's no parties in my house. You come over to eat if you want. You come over to eat. I'm never going to say to you, let's get a keg of beer. I got a kid in the fucking house, right? I got a kid in the house. I don't want my kid to wake up and see three people on the couch, cigarettes, fucking beer bottles. First of all, I don't like fucking beer bottles in my living room because somebody's gonna spill It. And that shit smells like dick for two months. You ever go into a bar and you're like, this bar smells like alcohol and mildew.
- [27:37]
B
Yeah.
- [27:38]
A
I don't ever want that smell. I can't live with that. I'll burn that fucking house down. So I don't want. I don't want her to be exposed to that party life where people, you know, she's gonna eventually do it, but she knows it's there. We have neighbors who drink and they act fucking responsibly. So these are the things. Like.
- [27:58]
B
Well, it's interesting because, like, I. And it's nothing against my parents. I'm probably. If I'm ever a parent, will be stricter. But I. I've seen, like, when I went to Israel for the first time, drinking was 18, not 21. And having a beer was not as big of a deal. And, yeah, there were drunk kids, but there were. It wasn't as. I don't know, it felt, like, scarier and, like, more intense here because you have to. You have to lie somehow. Get. I. I think if I. If I was gonna do it, I would lean somewhere in the middle of, like, exposing them to it, maybe not being as okay with it as, like, I'm. I don't think I'd ever be the parent who'd be like, oh, yeah, you can come here and drive.
- [28:40]
A
We got YouTube, Lee. You're gonna have a fucking kid, and when they're seven, they're gonna go on YouTube.
- [28:45]
B
Oh, I know.
- [28:45]
A
And they're gonna accidentally find you. So here's the deal. You got. Everybody has to react differently to the times, Lee. We're not living in the 70s no more, where we were blind. I wasn't, because I had crazy fucking parents. But everybody was blind. We didn't have the Internet, Lee. Okay? There's a song by the guy who beat up the fucking other guy who was married to Carmen Electra. That idiot was married to Carmen Electra? He was in a band. Jane's Addiction. Jane's Addiction. Whatever. The second album is great, but the first album, it says it before the song caught stealing in Spanish. We have more influence with your children than you do. Okay? We have more influence with your children than you do.
- [29:37]
B
The musicians.
- [29:38]
A
Yeah. We have more access to your kids than you do. When I went to school, you went from nine to three, and you probably got home at, like, four. You went to practice. Your parents saw you from five to ten. That's five hours a day. You were at school six, seven hours a day.
- [29:56]
B
And now the Internet. You're with it 24 hours now.
- [29:59]
A
You got the Internet. So even if I turn the Internet off in my house, she's got a classmate that's gonna tell her what was on that Internet. Look at my fucking Instagram. So they're exposed to everything right now.
- [30:11]
B
Oh, a thousand percent.
- [30:12]
A
Different fucking world. So every day when she gets up, she's gonna stroll and see fucko smoking pot. Snoop Dogg, right? He's allowed to smoke pot on Instagram. She's not gonna have those questions like other kids. I've. You know when I take it to the dojo and she sees you guys drinking and sees people drinking? She's watching, right? She's watching because on the way home, she'll tell me, I introduced her to somebody five years ago when she was seven. We were talking about him one night and she looked at me, she goes, I know who you're talking about. He's the brother who smokes. And I almost lost my mind. She likes that brother. Out of all of them, she likes Joe Florentine the best. Because he's a dad and he's got girls, so he knows how to speak to mercy. They talk about the Rolling Stones and Mick Jagger, but she said it to me. She goes, and you should ask him to stop smoking, dad. Like, how am I going to tell a grown man to stop smoking?
- [31:10]
B
And it's amazing what sticks with kids.
- [31:15]
A
So she's watching. She's listening. Because of her mother and me, she can't drink. I'm allergic. And the mother's Indian. She goes off the fucking rails. You know when my wife has three drinks in her? That's not good. Her eye starts lurking. Fucking feathers start coming out of her head. She gets argumentative with you. That's why I don't drink with my.
- [31:38]
B
Wife, because it's only three drinks.
- [31:41]
A
I don't drink with my wife. Never will. No way. That's why I'll tell them. When I take my wife on a date, I go, I'm the designated driver. Go. And I'll fucking order her drinks until she gets lit. Then she has to catch herself and shit. Once she catches herself and she remembers she's a mom, then she'll stop. But I could still tell the rest of the night that she's up to something. I could tell. No, no. I could tell that she drank her eyes. She's Indian, so her eyes get.
- [32:12]
B
They're up to something.
- [32:13]
A
Her eyes are blue and they get dilated so fucking much that it's. That's how I could Tell she's drinking, she don't have a drink. But she can't because she's fucking Indian. She gets sick, she starts boo booing, rain dancing, the whole fucking deal. Let's take an interruption here for five minutes. Uncle Joey got a potty and we got to talk to you about some special things. All right? We'll be back. Jack, what's happening? Beautiful people. Uncle Joey here. Listen, your gut has a massive impact on how you feel each and every day. Byoma keeps things in tip top shape so you can feel your best no matter what life throws your way. Bioma's blend of prebiotics plus probiotics plus postbiotics helps restore healthy microbiomes. Now you're going to want to give Bioma a try and get things sorted down there. Listen, I went on it about four weeks ago. I feel tip top Magoo, all right? I go to the bathroom, I don't feel sluggish anymore. So if your gut is full of the wrong bacteria. Get Bioma and get it together, Jack. Listen, it's not just about a smooth, regular digestion. Your gut can mess with your hormone levels, energy, weight management and even lifespan. Take 15% off your Biomar order. To get started, just click the link in our show notes and press in code Joey Joey. That's code Joey. Joey. For 15% off your order when you click the link in our show notes. I want to thank Bioma for sponsoring us. They got a great product. We're back. Beautiful people. What's up, dog?
- [33:51]
B
I've been. It's. It was a great week, dude. It was a. I had a. Oh.
- [33:54]
A
That'S right, you headline. Last week was your first headline night at the dojo.
- [33:58]
B
Yeah. And it's crazy. Like I was thinking about the first time I did it. I featured for another comic named Andre Kim. And it was like a couple years ago, it was before you did any shows there. And it was just cool to like be on the other side because like, at, at certain points, like we talked about it I think last week, you know, I. I wish I was further along than I was, but, you know, to do that. And we had a great turnout. Like, it was, honestly there was. It was for me pretty full. So I was very happy about that. Everyone who did spots did great. The whole, like the whole. It was a long show, they were a great audience. The club was happy. So it was, you know, a very like just, just amazing night. I don't know. It was.
- [34:44]
A
I know, I know. I've been that dog. Yeah, I know. Those nights are special. And you go home all tingly and shit, and then the next day you're at an open mic following a guy with a tuba. Oh, yeah, it's fucking great. It's. Your life is fucking great, you know, But I saw the pictures and I was very happy for you. Like, I said, I didn't want to go because it was your night. And that's what a lot of people don't understand. Like, people go, oh, you're going to come to my show? Not really. Because as soon as I walk into your show, somebody's going to come up to me and ask me for a fucking picture. Whether you're on stage or not, people have no clues, so that takes the attention. People are sitting there all night. All right, Lee's here. Is he going to go upstage? Is this guy going to go on stage? You know, I learned something this weekend about comedy. Well, I learned something all the time. And it's funny. Whenever I have a big gig now, on the drive home, whether it's a big gig or a small gig, I should say, I always think about what made me get on that stage the first fucking time. Like, what fucking possessed me to get the balls and the audacity to think that I was funny enough to get on a stage. Like, that's been the question in my head for the last seven or eight months. Like, at 62 years old, what the fuck did I do that I got to find? Like, I never did anything right. Never did anything right, guys. Never. All my decisions were shit because they were drug induced. This was from somewhere completely different. And I really practiced it when I was in prison, of all fucking places. Like, that's when I said I wasn't even practicing, guys. I was just going up there and goofing. They call it goofing, whatever. When you just go up there, they would just go, go up there. Go up there and talk to them. I would get on top of the table. There was no stage, you know, and in there, people like, this is what you should be doing. I'm like, these guys are all losers. They're in a fucking federal penitentiary telling me my next career option. Are they fucking. You know, it's like. And I always think of that. And that's what you should think about. What really possessed me, and you're going to hit me. Everybody's like, well, I saw Richard Pryor today. But no, no, no, no, no. What made you get in that fucking car that night, go in there against. Because it's the hardest thing you'll ever do the first time. It's the hardest thing you'll ever do. You know, it's what I was trying to say in the beginning of the podcast is that you have so many critics right now, but nobody really knows the Journey. You know, everybody's criticizing this person, this person, this comedy scene, this guy's anti woke, this guy's R rated, this guy's punching down, this guy's punching up. But nobody really knows Journey. And that's what pisses me off. I didn't want to talk about this, but I do have to add leverage to this because he's getting beat up right now in the press. And I thought about it and it's my friend Theo Vaughn. I was there Saturday night, Lee, and I told him I was going to call you for the second show. And he goes, yeah, yeah, I want to see Lee. I already got engaged. So, you know, I spoke to him Thursday and he said that if. If I wanted to come to the show on Saturday. Now my weekends are fucking tough, guys. I got no time for fucking comedy. I don't have time for myself to do comedy on Friday. I have a family and whatever their decision is, first is what I have to do. Because for seven years my decisions were first, I'm going here, I'm going there, and here my wife and my daughter are stuck. At least now I give everybody the opportunity. If they want to hang, they can hang. When my daughter said she was going on a great adventure on Saturday, I go, that's one down. What does my wife want to do? Does she want to go out to dinner? She's like, no, I'm not going to be able to eat. I got no teeth and I can't drink because of the pain pills. I'm going around the corner to my girlfriend's house, one of the neighbors, and I'll come back later. That's what made me go over there. Now, I don't know if people understand the process of stand up comedy. Again, number one, you don't pull up to an open mic and a Maserati. That's number one. And number two, it's not the world of glamour. And then for six or seven years we bang it out in places that you wouldn't take your fucking mother to. I mean, granted, the dojo is nice, but you've been in some holes late night that are fucking shitholes. I saw one the other night when I was in the city. I was just walking up the corner to meet the car and I'm like, this is the comedy club I hear about this is a fucking dump. I wouldn't come here. But that's where you perform at first. And all of a sudden, somebody takes you on the road, you end up somewhere, and you're in front of 3,500 people in the theater, and you're like, what the fuck is this? And then you get into a bigger theater, and now you're back on your own doing comedy. What I'm trying to say is there's no cameras around. There's no cameras around. When you add camera to stand up, it's a different animal. And some people could rise to the occasion, and some people can't. Like myself. But I'm honest enough to say that I don't like a camera, because to me, I still see a brick wall, a microphone, and 200 people and smoke. I don't see what everybody else sees. Everybody. Oh, my God, this theater, I don't give a fuck. It's four fucking walls and a fucking exit. And you could get shot in here like the people at Batman. Okay, so you get what I'm saying? I'm not impressed. You want to impress me, motherfucker? Take the wheel. Okay, so that's where I'm coming from. But people don't know the journey. And now we have a different thing in comedy, and that's called corporate world. So before you read the stuff about Theo Vaughn and what happened that he bombed, I want you to think of Corporate World when you're an edgy comic and how they'll tell you along the way, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Until you get closer to the date, and then they change the game plan on you, and now you feel a little weird. And I'm not saying this happened to Theo. Listen, people have bad nights in comedy all the fucking time. I'm the king of them. I'm not ashamed to say it, but at least I'll tell you. Don't blow smoke up my eyes. That's the greatest. Don't make me fucking poke you in the eye because you need glasses. I was on that stake. I think the corporate. I know, I couldn't handle it. I mean, you were there with me for the degenerates. Was that normal to you? Was that fucking normal to you? Hold on. I've been waiting for. I've been writing for eight months. Writing for eight months to get this material out of my head, and you're telling me that camera one isn't working? The fuck. Stand over here so this camera could get you as you're going Bitch, bitch. I just want to get on stage and say, hold on one second. Microphone three went down. I want you to polish those emotions for a second. What's something that you love to do? Maybe have sex. And all of a sudden somebody stops and says, did I ever tell you the story about my brother got hit with a car? Well, you know, you might as well. I might as well put my dick away, cuz this ain't gonna even work after this fucking story. That's what that is. You know, we're living in a world now. You think these podcasts, I could come on here and say what I wanna say anymore? You guys ever wake up in the morning and this podcast is 28 or over?
- [42:16]
B
Oh, yeah.
- [42:16]
A
We're living in a corporate world and some people could work well in it and some people can't. And most people can't, especially comics. They don't know what they're gonna say. They. They don't know what comes out of their mouths. When we're up there and we're dying and you got a gun to my head, I can either do good or fucking do bad. You know, we went to Florida. That was a tough night for you. That's 8,000 eyes and you fucking came through. But I want you to think about that. You went up on stage in front of 8,000 eyes. If I would have told you that before you went on stage, that's like calling your Lee swat. You know what I'm saying?
- [42:52]
B
Some people do do that though. People will come up to you right before a show. Like they have a lot of people, huh? People do that.
- [42:59]
A
They want to shit in your pan, on your leg. I don't want to have run with people who shit on you, piss on your leg. There's a time to piss on people's legs. There's a time not to piss on people's legs.
- [43:07]
B
Yeah.
- [43:09]
A
First of all, I don't want to know what's out there either. No, I don't need to know. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck if I sell out or not. I'm there to do comedy. That's where we all get it wrong. You're there to fucking be funny for an hour. So the more shit you eliminate. You said something to me before that you eliminate stuff. I said we're talking about a subject and you said that was smart of you, that you've eliminated that. It's like when I got into comedy, I knew I wasn't gonna be on a Letterman of the Tonight Show. Out. Out. I'm not gonna work that clean. But, Joey, listen, by the time I get to go where I'm going, there'll be a different platform. That's exactly what happened, right? Some people do good. I can't fucking do something I know, for the Riyadh Comedy Festival, bro. It's a country that fucking. If you don't wear a barker, they throw you in jail for 15 fucking years, right? If you don't put that thing around your face, right? If they catch you doing something, it's a fucking nightmare. So you think they're gonna let me go over there and talk about, oh, we'll probably be happy if I do my gay bits? Cause they hate gay people, right? If you're gay, they kill you over there. I mean, they don't even play, right? You can't show up with a pelican on your shirt. They'll just stab you. That shit is done. They don't even tolerate. Oh, he's amazing. Boom, bam. They'll stab you. You got to keep your language certain. That was very beautiful. Thank you. I enjoyed your meal dearly. It's amazing. They'll stab you right on site. They don't even want that starting. That's spreading. So what do you think they're going to say to me on stage? What can I really talk about? You can't talk about religion. Can't talk about a lot of things. You know what? If I take the money, I'm going to do bad. If I take that money, Lee might do a lot better. But for me, I'm going to take that money and just go there knowing I'm going to bomb. I'm in Hudson County. I didn't show up anywhere to lose. Even if I lost, I didn't show up to lose. You have to. When you get into situations, you have to make your life easier. Right? Now, I wouldn't have known what to do if I was Theo on Saturday night. There was four people talking to him at one time telling them. And with shit that doesn't matter when you're shooting something, you want to give somebody as much content as you want as I can. Because you could always cut it out. I can't add it. I can't be in the green room going, fuck. I wish I would have had a cut from the side. Look how beautiful that stage is. Look how the lighting. I should have fucking taped myself in the back smoking a joint with Lee before I go up there and Lee kicks me in the ass as I'm going up. But you learn. I'd rather do it because I can always take it out, right?
- [45:55]
B
Absolutely.
- [45:55]
A
But I can't hunt it down. What, am I going to rent the theater, put extras and kick you on the. No. So let's shoot it. So I understand that, but we do that maybe later. We do that in between shows.
- [46:08]
B
Go early for it.
- [46:08]
A
Let's get that one in the tank.
- [46:11]
B
Yeah.
- [46:11]
A
When I'm shooting a special, the first one is the one you're going for. And if you bomb, fuck it. I got Late show and you saw it. I bombed. I bombed on both of them. But the first show, when I taped the special.
- [46:26]
B
Are you talking about Netflix?
- [46:28]
A
No, the one I did in Chicago with.
- [46:30]
B
Oh, in Chicago.
- [46:31]
A
First one I did bombed. The first little thing I laid down, there was a guy. It was just I was agitated. Then they told me how to darken my hair. That the camera they put. They spray painted my fucking bald spot. I need this shit. I just want to crack a few fucking jokes. Would you.
- [46:49]
B
And I think you've talked about it, like, would you just like to just be filmed without your knowledge? And that'd be put up.
- [46:57]
A
I'd rather that happen if I did stand up. But again, if you're going to show up on an iPhone 14 and the only reason I know it's 17, because my phone fell out the other day and some guy's like, dog, that's an old iPhone. I go, I buy a new one when they fucking break. But I'm going to go down there like the rest of the masses. But I heard the camera's badass. Yeah, it jumps up and down. Yeah. So you know when I'm ready to drop 1800 now.
- [47:22]
B
Is it really? Holy shit.
- [47:26]
A
And they don't even let you pay it. They make you finance it, right?
- [47:29]
B
No, you can pay it.
- [47:33]
A
Yeah, they want the monthly. That's a lot of dough for. I don't. I don't even give a fuck anymore. I don't have Facebook on there. I don't have Twitter either. I got Instagram. That's it. Text messages and people call. There's nothing else I use on here. Nothing. Nothing. All these apps. I don't know nothing. I got Uber once in a while. I got Lexus. I got fucking whoop.
- [47:56]
B
They have old. They have flip phones.
- [47:58]
A
They have what?
- [47:58]
B
They have flip phones with apps now.
- [48:00]
A
You know, this is the shit. You got to eliminate all this shit. This is garbage. But you do need it. You know what I'm saying? So what are you going to do? You do need it if.
- [48:09]
B
Eighteen hundred dollars.
- [48:11]
A
Eighteen fucking hundred dollars to talk to people before you even get the party started.
- [48:16]
B
Dude, fuck that. That's too much, dog.
- [48:20]
A
That's the world we live in. And everybody goes down there and pays him. It's like a superhero movie. The more you go, the more these phones are gonna keep making.
- [48:27]
B
I paid 1200 a year ago. And I thought that, bro, when they.
- [48:31]
A
Told me when I got this one and T Mobile, because no Sprint no more, right? Because I don't, you know, I show up to Sprint, we don't even know what you're talking about. We handle fucking bicycles now, you know? Yeah, I don't even know what you're talking about. T Mobile. I went to T Mobile. Very nice. But again, they're like, yeah, and do this, the other. And this one's already starting to fuck up. Like the. It charges really fast. Like, the other night my phone died. And I didn't give a fuck about nobody calling me. It was in the city. All I wanted was to find out what was going on. My daughter. Great adventure. I was so. I had a bad feeling that night that one of those horror buildings would fall down or something like that. And I got to go down there and search for the rubble. So I fucking. You know what I'm saying?
- [49:16]
B
I can't imagine you searching through the rubble.
- [49:19]
A
My. And I got in the car. It was just me and this guy. Bought one of the best limo drivers I've ever had in my life. He was great because I kept. He told me first he. He was from South Broomfield. No, the other town. I live close to Brunswick. I just kept calling him South Brunswick on the way. I'm like, listen, on the way back, we're gonna go to fucking. The strip club right there, just me and you. He's like, that's okay. He goes, I'm 20 minutes from here. I'm like, all right. He was cool as shit. He stopped at Starbucks for me. He stopped at the atm. He goes, let's stop at the atm. You need cash? Yeah, let's do it. Boom. Got cash. We shot into the fucking city. He was right there. And then my phone died. He's like, I'll go get your cord. I'm like, you're a bad motherfucker. If I didn't have teeth missing, I'd suck your dick. You know what I'm saying? How do you know? Cocksucker. You got some old hag one night, your little dirty bastard. 2:30 in the morning, you're looking around the bar this lady winking at you with a missing tooth. You gotta do what you gotta do. You know what I'm saying? You go over there, put a piece of cotton in it. But it's just. I saw that special taping of this.
- [50:36]
B
Started as a message to Theo. So what I said, this started about a message about Theo?
- [50:41]
A
About Theo?
- [50:42]
B
Yeah. And ended with sucking someone's dick.
- [50:45]
A
You know, it was just. I was there, and it wasn't what you people are reading at all. I mean, you know, I'm worried about him like everybody else's, but at the same time, I know this motherfucker. He's from the bayou, Louisiana. He ain't going nowhere. It's just standup is tough, guys. I've been telling you this shit for years. People gave me shit for three years. And I told people the commitment level for standup is something like. I've never seen anything like this. I'm on my 34th year, and if I could go out three or four nights a week, I would. It's just the driving that kills me. My back would die. It's not just going to the Comedy Store anymore downhill, you know what I'm saying? It was 13 minutes for me to get to the Comedy Store, right? It's an hour before I get the party started. But it's calling me back now, little by little, and I feel better about it because I got all that corporate shit out of my world. I'm not in LA no more. I don't have to appease anybody. I do what the fuck I want to do. Even the sponsors on here, YouTube, whatever. I'm in an age where I already went to prison, my family left a country that was fucking communist. So you want me to obey your fucking stupid rules of no cursing or whatever? Write me off. I'll find the channel that lets us do whatever the fuck we want. But this new world order, you take a bigger paycheck so people could tell me what to do. The reason why we got into comedy is not to have a job. Did you ever think about that? Did you ever think about that? We got into comedy so we didn't have to get up like 15 billion other people in the world, 8 in the morning and go to a job, because somewhere in our demented fucking minds we thought we could do better. So think about that shit. This is rough, but it's rougher when somebody's watching you. There's some comics that are born to work clean, and I respect that. Nate Bargotzi is fucking great. He's great at what he does. Jerry Seinfeld was great at what he does. But there's other guys like myself and other comedians, they go off the fucking rails. And you know what? That's fine fucking too, because at the end of the day, every single comedian you watch is a little fucking crazy. You just don't see it because you're so. Oh my God, they're so great. No, we're not great. We're crazy, demented fucking people. So. And that's me included. I don't want you to think like, that's me included. Somewhere along the line we said, you know what? I'm gonna go to college for four years. I come from a nice family. Nobody ran away in my family. I'm Jewish. I went. Now I'm an editor and now I'm a podcaster. But you know what? I'm taking my college degree and I'm not picking on you. I'm just telling you what I know. I'm taking my college degree and wiping my balls with it. I'm gonna go right back into the pit with a bunch of animals every night and people with mental illness and try to get a fucking career. So what does that tell you about the stand up comics? So before you start pointing at stand up comics and saying that they give out misinformation, you guys took the stand up comic too seriously. Everybody has taken everything too seriously.
- [53:55]
B
And I will say, like, Theo is one of the few like, of like your friends. He called me, like when I was like, right after we left L. A. He called me one day. We just chat. Was always super sweet to me and like I, and you. I haven't on everything you. I have no idea how he did that night. I've never asked you. It doesn't matter if you have a bad night. Why, how, why is that national news and like for anything. Like imagine, like imagine you believe that.
- [54:30]
A
It was on the front cover of Yahoo.
- [54:32]
B
That's.
- [54:34]
A
It'S, it's. That's. We need to know everything. This is why again today. You know, I don't. Again, I'm not putting anybody down. I go on these sites some days and I read one thing and I close it. People always give me shit. You don't post anymore because there's some days I do go on there. I got something great to say that I was laughing in the shower. Like, I have something. Like, I'm coming in there with balls on fire. I'm in the shower holding onto my stomach. But I will go downstairs, open up a page and See something that is so far out there I go, not today. Because I can't solve this. I can't save this. This is what I can't save. All I can say is something funny, and hopefully you react to it. It makes your day. You wake up, you're like, fucking, that motherfucker's dirty, man. You know, something to get a reaction of. Of you instead of, I want the fucking Epstein list. Anything but that. But this is what's going on. We've become so uptight. That bombing at your Netflix special in front of 3,000 people. Not even an arena, not even Madison Square Garden, in front of 3,000 people really matters. And when I say shit, you people think like I'm fucking crazy. I'm not. This is a rough world we live in today. So I get it, motherfuckers. We gotta laugh more, we gotta fuck more, we gotta start drinking again. Because this motherfucker could end any goddamn day. Hug your loved ones every day. Look at it every day. You hear something stupid. Kim Jong Hoo fired a missile into the ocean. The Russian dude, You know they bombed. What do you think? What do you think about when Israel bombed that country with the bunkers and all that shit? You think they're sitting there rebuilding right now? They got pictures of Americans all over those walls, and Jews and Puerto Ricans and Arabs with beards. They got revenge. And you're walking around thinking, it's fun. That's why I was nervous about Great Adventure. Because, dog, they're coming. This is not ending good. I don't mean to scare you motherfuckers, but it's a reality. It's a fucking reality. So next time you go to your Jason Aldean country music concert and you're jumping up and down thinking we're in good hands. Uh huh. Remember what happened in Vegas? They were jumping up and down too, and they got shot from the fucking window. It's a weird fucking world out there. I love you motherfuckers. Have a great. I don't even know if the guy's Jason Aldean. I don't even know who that is. I'm just. I thought he was a country singer. I'm just saying it's the truth. It's the fucking truth. This is why I hug everybody every goddamn day. Any day now, we're getting hit with a missile. Especially you motherfuckers that live in New York City walking around, jumping up and down. Lee with the Jew hat. Lee's gonna have to get. Lee's gonna have to get A disguise. After November, if that mandami wins, he's done, Lee. Him and his girlfriend will be boiling out of New York City because they're gonna come to your apartment and beat yours up and then kick yours out. And you're gonna be socialist Mondame. It's gonna be Little Cuba and shit. And right now, even Black Lives Matter. Eric Griffin, whatever his fucking name, Eric Adams dropped out.
- [57:45]
B
Those are two very different people.
- [57:47]
A
Who.
- [57:47]
B
Eric Griffin.
- [57:48]
A
Well, it's a mistake. What I want, you know, Eric Adams is he's your fucking mayor in New York City.
- [57:53]
B
Yeah, but my life isn't effective. Why do you think the mayor's gonna make that much of a difference?
- [57:57]
A
Will somebody please tell this idiot what's going on in New York? Because this other guy's a socialist.
- [58:01]
B
I know that.
- [58:01]
A
He wants to start bodegas. He wants. He hates Jews, okay? That's number one.
- [58:06]
B
He hates Jews.
- [58:07]
A
Well, you have to assume. I mean, right now, at this point, everybody hates the Jews. Lee. If the. Right now, everybody. They blame everything on the fucking Jews. Everything. Somebody lit a firecracker in New Jersey. That's a Jew. You know, it's been bad for the Jews. It's a bad couple years. We get it. But. Yeah, it's been a bad couple years. Bad people. Yes.
- [58:29]
B
Thank you for noticing.
- [58:30]
A
What?
- [58:31]
B
Thank you for noticing it.
- [58:32]
A
You know, I love you. I got nothing against you. No love against you. But, I mean, you know, it's true. So I don't know what's gonna happen in the world, but the most important thing is to crack a joke. Who gives a fuck if a comedian bombs with what's really going on in the world? You give a fuck about a comedian bombing on his Netflix special? Like it's gonna change your goddamn life? Not at all. So where are you gonna be this week, Tarzan?
- [58:59]
B
I'm gonna be at the dojo on Wednesday night, and I'm gonna be at Sheba's on Thursday night this week.
- [59:06]
A
I'm not gonna be nowhere till next. Till I come back. I'm October 8th. But that's already sold out. That's chicken stuff. We gotta give him the truth. 15th at the dojo comedy. The 23rd is the bucket of Love at the Dojo comedy. And then November 8th is a biggie. DC, what's the name of it?
- [59:25]
B
MGM Graham.
- [59:26]
A
MGM Grand. What is it?
- [59:29]
B
MGM Graham and Oxon Hill.
- [59:31]
A
Oxon Hill. 20 minutes from the fucking White House. I'll have my fucking bulletproof John Wick outfit on down there because a missile might come Fucking flying through. So 20 minutes we're going to be performing. That also pisses me off. Why? When they told me, I thought I was doing comedy. Like, you know, an hour from the nation's capital. We need that much money that we need to gamble in Washington D.C. and here. I'm not political, but I'm just asking you a question. 20 minutes from the White House. Washington needs, Maryland needs that much money that they got gambling. 20 minutes. Is nothing sacred? And that means I get a hookah 20 minutes from the White House. When does it fucking end? No, forget about that. November 8th. That's all they need to know. Focus one at a time. Cocksuckers. We love you. Have a great week. Lee, send them some love.
- [60:25]
B
Love you guys.
- [60:25]
A
Love you. Stay black. All right, have a great week and we'll be back next Tuesday the 8th. What's happening? Beautiful people. Uncle Joey here. Listen, your gut has a massive impact on how you feel each and every day. Byoma keeps things in tip top shape so you can feel your best no matter what life throws your way. Bioma's blend of prebiotics plus probiotics plus postbiotics helps restore healthy microbiomes. Now you're gonna wanna give Bioma a try and get things sorted down there. Listen, I went on it about four weeks ago. I feel tip top, Magoo, all right? I go to the bathroom, I don't feel sluggish anymore. So if your gut is full of the wrong bacteria. Get bioma and get it together. Jack, listen, it's not just about a smooth, regular digestion. Your gut can mess with your hormone levels, energy, weight management and even lifespan. Take 15% off your bioma order. To get started, just click the link in our show notes and press in. Code Joey J O E Y. That's Code Joey J O e y. For 15% off your order when you click the link in our show notes. I want to thank Myoma for sponsoring us. They got a great product. It's.