← The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament
The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament
Hanging around like a vampire
00:59:39
This week on The Check In we learn that Joey Diaz has a clean license and doesn't care anymore, is monitoring his stress and will walk away from people who stress him out, Joey talks about his disappointing trip to the 76ers game and much more!...
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- [00:01]
A
What's going on there? Trump breath, man.
- [00:07]
B
I don't know which one is worse. I don't know whose breath is. It's not politics. Which one's breath stinks worse.
- [00:13]
A
Hey, he stuck his muffler. He stuck his tongue up. Muffler. Stormy's muffler. So it can't be that bad. He ain't got no cavities. Maybe I got a brown tooth, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. When you're like 40 and you get a lot of ass, you get like a little brown tooth over here. And people know this dangerous. Forget about Blade. This guy's heat. Jack, it's election day and I ain't voting. I ain't going near those places today. I'm gonna stay home on my business. I got a couple little things to do, and that's it.
- [00:51]
B
I don't blame, like, what is it? Is it. What does it feel like watching all this stuff and you can't. Like, would you vote if you could? Like, what is it like knowing you can't vote?
- [01:01]
A
Honest to God, man, I don't want to be responsible, so I don't vote. People like, you got to pick a side, bro. You know, I'm lost here, so it doesn't matter. The funniest guy this is. This election has been very funny, and it's going to be dirty tomorrow, and there's going to be consequences, you know, but there's two things that stick out. I went to a basketball thing the other day, my daughter and the parents, and they were talking. You really can't tell people who you're voting for anymore. People will argue with you and fight with you. Especially in these political times, like, everybody's a fucking politician. You. What the fuck is that about? Like, if I vote, I'm gonna tell people, listen, bitches want to vote. And, you know, I thought about it, but in this election, you can't even pick a side, really. You know, people are losing if they mention Trump. It's insane. It really fucking insane.
- [02:08]
B
I did. I did a midnight show on Saturday, and the comic after me, it was like 15 people in the crowd, but the comic after me did a political joke. One. One group liked one side. And then the, like, someone else, like a heckler, couldn't believe that they liked that person. So, like, there was, like an argument going on in the audience because someone liked a specific. And it doesn't matter what side it happens on, but it happened in audience.
- [02:40]
A
And it's really sad. I just. That's why I stray from it because all my life I've strayed. I knew my mother owning a bar. There was no religion and no politics that gets people riled the up. You stay away from it. I've stayed away from it on stage. I'm not going to go up there right now in these times and mention a fucking voting box.
- [03:04]
B
No.
- [03:05]
A
Because that's what they're listening. No. And I don't wanna. But it's just really funny. And then like RFK that did more coke than me. He did that Kennedy coke. That motherfucker can't even talk anymore. He couldn't even part his birthday. And you know what I'm saying? He's got to put a fan behind his head to blow out a candle. I am in charge of vitamins. Listen, vitamins. Are you, you know, enough. I mean, I'm just. It is the other guy looks like a pedophile. You know, walls. That dude definitely was in a park bathroom looking out the creep whacking off one time. Or in a tree with, you know, with a leather jacket dressed up, you know, with peanut butter in one pocket and peanut M M's in the other in case. Well, peanut butter one and M M's in the other in case they're allergic. You know, those are professionals. They. They show up with a peanut treat and then a non peanut treat because they don't want you to get allergic and die or whatever the it is that happens to you, which is nothing.
- [04:19]
B
YouTube's gonna love this one. Can you imagine? I think we've gone after every candidate.
- [04:24]
A
Listen, I didn't go after anybody because I ain't voting. I'm just telling you what I see in a comedic sense, you know, like when I look at it, I'm like, what's going on here? You know, Kennedy's the original guy. Looked like a fucking stud. Nixon looked like a stud. You know, whatever his name is. He was fucking slinging dick when he was in the President playing the saxophone. He came on the chick's dress, that stud. And then you got these guys that look like they can't blow out a birthday candle. They, you know, so that dude did tons of coke. Not. I forgive him for it. I, I don't even give a. I'm just saying that, you know, don't, don't show. It's like me showing up now with, you know, a bag of apples. Listen, it's too late for that. You had your chance. You know, it's like that 40 year old that shows up with the Pittsburgh Steelers shirt, you know, and you're like, listen, come here, let me talk to you about something. You're in no danger. Put the shirt away. You ever see that, like older guys, like jerseys, like, or they play softball and they'll tell you. Three for four today, guy. Come here. Give it up, okay? Lighten up. You went 3 for 4. You played against a bunch of softball guys. You're drinking. You take it seriously. This is for fun. What are you gonna call the Mets.
- [05:49]
B
Dude? What do you think about the guys who, like, when they're going, who. They're like, they aren't bicycles, but they have like the full, like the skin tight suit and the helmet and they're just riding around the suburbs. And like.
- [06:05]
A
One man under God, if nobody was watching, I'd hit one of those guys just for GP because they'll always drive me crazy, right? Especially. There's 10 of them. They're tough. 10 bike rides. I'm supposed to be scared. They look at you when you pass by you and they throw water at you. Listen, you turn and hit all these and let's see what type of party this is.
- [06:30]
B
What are you doing to them? Why are they throwing water at you?
- [06:33]
A
Because you speed by them. You can only do miles an hour for so long before you go, beep, beep, yeah, move over to the bike lane or riding the grass. I don't know what you need to do. You know you're gonna. Listen, I have these back roads here, okay? Okay, Like, I have Route 18 and I do 80 on that. And nine is every man for himself. They just a nine. But every once in a while, you know what? You know what? Let me take a side road and Dog, dog, those are the worst ideas you could have because I swear to God, there's a road that I have to hit. And every time I hit that road, you're like eight minutes from the house. You got a pee, you got a. You got to scratch your ass, you got a bong hit. But there's always that dude that, you know, sees you coming, you're doing 90, but he wants to. And then do the speed limit and look out for under. Yeah, yeah. And I'm like, guy, I'll blow right the. For last. Last night I blew past the guy. He chased me, couldn't chase me, couldn't find me after that. I saw him spinning around the 18 and back and forth. I forget his license plate was like, dick or something like that. Get the. I ain't waiting. I'm 61. I'm not playing your game. I'm gonna beep at you very politely. And if you don't pull over, I'm gonna go around you. I don't care whether it's a double yellow, a double white. Those days ended. I got a clean license. What am I sitting here? People. This abuse from these people doing the speed limit or under the speed limit that. Those people have always driven me crazy. And I thought they were only in California, but they here too. And they're double here. They leave gaps in between. Then people cut them off and you're like, what are you doing? Why is there a gap between you and that car? We gotta hit the green light here.
- [08:36]
B
Why, why are you in such a. Like, why do you want everyone to be right on top of everybody go green?
- [08:42]
A
The best is the light is green. And you're gonna let this guy cut in from the driveway.
- [08:46]
B
Oh no, you can't let them.
- [08:49]
A
Why your light is green? Don't be a priest. You don't need to be Johnny Nice guy, tell him wait when his turn. You ain't let cut all the way over there. Because then he's gonna hold me at the light. Listen, when I'm the first car at a green light that makes a left, I shoot out of there like a bat out of hell, you know, because I'm thinking about the guy behind me. I ain't got time to dilly dally. If that light goes off and you make a left and then I decide, oh, green light, there's a gap. There's a huge gap. I don't want no gaps on those lights.
- [09:22]
B
It does piss you off.
- [09:24]
A
It has.
- [09:25]
B
It pisses me off. Like when they're taking a left and then there's like a descent, a second or two between each car. And they should. We could get so many more cars.
- [09:33]
A
Think about the guy behind you. There's a 60 year old that needs to piss like a racehorse and you wanna dilly dally and look at your phone or try to figure out how to do the self driving on the Tesla. You know, a couple days ago I passed by a Tesla. This chick was doing like 16, she had a feet up, she had the computer.
- [09:53]
B
I'm like, no, she didn't.
- [09:55]
A
Did she really?
- [09:56]
B
That's crazy.
- [09:57]
A
And she was on the phone driving and I'm like, wow, wow. Like these people need to get hit one time like sideswiped and the computer cuts their titty off or something so they'll never do that again. Why would you? You know, I don't understand.
- [10:18]
B
You lost me a little bit on the getting cut off, who knows?
- [10:22]
A
The computer gets hit this way. You go this way and the computer's sticking up and it stabs you in the tit. Now you got to walk around like Angelina Jolie.
- [10:34]
B
And do you remember, like, how when you made the decision that you were just going to start, like. Like that's the funniest thing ever. You have a clean license, so you just. You have one to give. So it's like, when did you make that decision that you're just going to pass people, you're going to do whatever you want.
- [10:49]
A
Once I hit 60, it's all over. I am the right. I hit 60. You know what the chances are hitting 60 in today's world? Once I hit 60, I said, listen, I ain't got time to around with these people. I really don't. I got a stress monitor on my whoop now, right? I look at my stress model, it's like medium. I just walk away. There's no. You just. Yeah, I ain't got time for this. I'm 60. I want my conversation to be no stress. Like low stress. If I look at that stress meter and I see medium or high, a river dirty. I ain't talking to you. That's part of my mental health program. You know what I'm saying?
- [11:29]
B
Have you started walking away from people?
- [11:31]
A
Oh, all the time now. I don't have time for this. You. You're depressing. I just told you. I just told you the where. Where the thing was two minutes ago. Now you want to come back and tell me a story? Oh, stresses on medium. Gotta go. I got time for this.
- [11:50]
B
And where do you go.
- [11:55]
A
To run the light? I don't know. I ain't. Listen, if I'm on the phone and you're stressing me out, it's over. I gotta go. I'll hang up while you're going, listen, wait. But they make. I just don't do it no more. There's a guy that wants me to start a weed company with him. I don't ever want to start a weed company again. And I told him, he hits me up every month. And I torture him. Meet me, give me a sample. This ain't enough. You know, I need to know. You know, he always tortures me. I need to know tomorrow. So I'll call him, and when he hangs open, answers, I hang up on him. And then he'll keep calling me back. And I'm like it. I'm on to the next Savage. I'm already on the phone with you. He's beeping, beep, beep, trying to call back. And I'm thinking, I'm gonna sign on. He won't hear from me for days. And then we start the process all over again, like, two weeks later. Hey, I got a new edible. You want to try? Yeah, sure. And then I torture him about the edible. And then I tell them, you, this is the time for me to sign on. And then two days later, I give him the same treatment. I call him. He don't answer. And then he calls me 18 times like, where are you? Where are you? Pick up the phone. Listen, I ain't picking up this phone till next Tuesday. I. All right, so leave me the alone. I'm on a different level, Lee. Forget it. After my little mental health breakdown when I moved here, I figured out it was people and listening to their shit, and I'm done. I'm too old. I'm gonna sit here. My brother, he fucking fell off the. Listen again. What's it got to do with me? You want 100 for the card, for the cast or whatever, but if you're going to give me any beating. Enough. I don't need it no more. I'm running out of time. My batteries. My ear are running out of time. Any day now, I'll go deaf. And I don't want to go deaf listening to these baboons talk to me about that. I don't even want to know about.
- [13:53]
B
I. I appreciate it. I wish you. God, like I said it before, I said, you turn 50, what we start saying crazy like that?
- [14:02]
A
Well, I start saying that someday I'm gonna die, but at the same, it's true your time is limited now. When you're 20, you could talk to everybody. Oh, your aunt's got lymphoba. Let's talk. You know, you may suck my dick, you may not, but take an ear beating. But now I don't want my dick sucked. Why am I talking to you? Why are you giving me an ear beating? I don't want to do these things, you know? Why do you keep tormenting me? Hey, Saturday, me and my buddies are getting together. We'd love to have. Yeah, sure. Great. I'm going to be there. A fucking ape in a zoo, people touching me. Are you really a comedian? Do you really know Joe Rogan? How was Adam Sandler? Yeah, listen, leave me alone. Go bother somebody. Go fucking. No, I'm not doing it. I had to tell my buddy of 40 years a couple weeks because he calls me once a month. Hey, we're getting Together a bunch of guys, they're gonna have play poker. First of all, I'm really busy on Saturdays and Sundays, but I'm not stop my softball game, my daughter or end her fun because I gotta go sit with a bunch of goons touching me. And you know, and at the end of the day. Can we take a picture? Can you call. My son's in a wheelchair. Why don't you call. Listen, what am I gonna do? Make him walk? You know, what am I gonna do? What am I. Jesus. I'm gonna hit him in the head. He's gonna be playing basketball two minutes later. What the.
- [15:29]
B
And so you just avoid it.
- [15:31]
A
I just. I look at the whoop and if it tells me, keep walking, keep walking, even when I watch like a stupid game or something, I'll look at the roof. I didn't even bet the game. Why am I. Get the out of here. I'll put something soft on, like something on Netflix. People. Two girls falling in love with some.
- [15:53]
B
I've noticed, like you, you seem less. I don't know, like you've seen more red piece than you have before. I'll put it like that, dog.
- [16:04]
A
I had to figure out what the was going on with la. I mean, your career is doing great. You have a fun podcast. And, you know, it was just. And I couldn't figure it out. And it really. With me, I really had to study it, you know, that's when I went with BetterHelp. And the girl gave me little exercises and she's like, this is what you got to avoid, man. Just avoid it. You don't want to be involved in anyway, so why are you talking about it? Why are they up to you? What? No, no, you know, I don't want to do that shit. And that's it. I had to make up my mind when we were living in la. I didn't say nothing. No to nothing, right? And what I. Before I met my wife, I didn't say no to anything. And my wife told me one day, she's like, you gotta knock this off. Like in 2004. And like a year later, I got the longest shot. You're wasting time. You're spinning your wheels. These people, you know, everybody's got a dream. You gotta figure it out on your own. I can't help you figure out your dream. And then you put a guilt trip on me. Oh, you did a movie? How do I get into a movie? You got to be special. Stop bucking my balls. I'm a felon. I got a high school Diploma? Yeah, I'm a bum. I was telling my wife a couple weeks ago about how insane it is that I got them to put me in a movie.
- [17:37]
B
Why do you think that's insane?
- [17:41]
A
It really is insane. Every time I booked a big movie, I would sit there and just giggle and. Because these bastards have no idea. Like they just have no idea. I know that there's people that take acting seriously and they started when they were 12 and they were also a magician and they played the band and they work their whole life and they audition and then a guy like me comes along, basically stand up in a couple acting classes la. And I'm not in a film, I'm in a major studio film, whether It's Spider Man 2, the longest yard, Taxi, basketball, baseball. When I did with the Soprano People, the one I did with Rocky Balboa, they sucked, but they're still big time movies.
- [18:34]
B
But what about like, the reason why like I disagreed was like, I'm not trying to suck your dick, but like the hundred dollar day movies you did before, you didn't just open up with. I know baseball was early on, but you didn't open up with all great movies.
- [18:49]
A
No, I opened up a bait. That's the first thing I opened up with.
- [18:52]
B
Well, baseball, yeah, I was gonna. That was.
- [18:54]
A
Oh, commercial, okay. That's the first thing I opened up with. And I was like, what the. And then I couldn't book. And then I worked hard. I remember I went on the road for like a year and a half. I came back and Mad TV and Mad TV really gave me a push. It didn't sell no tickets. But everybody in the industry watches Mad tv, right?
- [19:17]
B
And at least they gave you some validity.
- [19:19]
A
But it's really crazy that I talk somebody to get me in a fucking movie. And I think back, I like, you know, being in trouble, you know, fucking around at the high school. And then I think of the guys that were actually in performing arts that were nerds with their glasses on and now they're going to go to a college and join a theater group. I didn't do any of that. So do you understand where I'm coming from? Especially with my background? I'm like, I just watched movies. I love movies as a kid, love watching movies. So that was my thing. If I learn. And you know, I gotta tell you something, man, there's times I'm talking to people about acting or something and they'll say something and I go, don't you watch fucking movies? I started watching movies just to watch movies. To learn their language, to get entertained. But as I was watching them, I go, that would be interesting. Making a movie. From the time before I went to prison, I was trying to get into the movie business, whether as a fucking. In fact, I'm going to lunch, dinner with somebody the 16th. And he, I told you. He was a cameraman for Good morning America for 25 fucking years. The only job he ever had. And I used to bug him. He was my CYO coach, all right? And I would call him and say, how do I get in? And he would, you know, I mean, he would like, say, go away. Like, basically, come on, man, you have no acting experience. Come on. You know, was acting out on your.
- [20:59]
B
Radar or was it like working on them?
- [21:03]
A
I didn't really know. I didn't really know. I just thought the process of making a film was very interesting. It was something that always, you know, just listen. I could sit and watch a movie 15 times if it's good. Yeah, I'm one of those. I could sit and watch it and study it and go, wow, that was great. How'd they do that? And then I'll go on Wikipedia and I'll see how they did that. I'm a geek.
- [21:31]
B
I didn't know that.
- [21:32]
A
Yeah, cool geek like that, you know, like, that's the shit I really like. But the fact that I talk somebody into letting me in a movie, Lee, is just fucking great. The fact that I'm in the union for 26 years now, how the fuck did I end up in a union for 26 years? Can somebody please tell me this shit?
- [22:01]
B
You don't think you worked hard?
- [22:04]
A
I didn't work. I worked at being a stand up. If you think I was in front of the mirror going, me, me, me, me. I, I don't know about that shit. I didn't know anything about acting till I moved, obviously. I moved to LA and I booked basketball and something else and it was like I embarrassed myself. So I went to a fucking acting class. I went to like two or three of them. One really good big one while I was there. I'm like, I don't need this no more. You know, this is. And then I started learning different things about stand up. That your timing when you're a stand up. And it just. So acting and stand up go together. It's one of the many facets from stand up. Producing, podcasting, writing, writing on a TV show, writing movies. You know, stand up as the sun and all this drift from it. And it's really, that's why Michael Keaton, Andy Garcia, all these people were all part of some stand up thing early on because it really opens up your door, you know? And it's like I told you, you want to meet people, go to an acting class that'll tell you, they'll tell you where to go, they will tell you where to go and like, where.
- [23:22]
B
If you were gonna start with an act. Because I've, I've taken one commercial acting class and as you're talking, that's all I was thinking is that I'm in New York, I need to take some sort of acting class. Like, what would you start with? Improv.
- [23:34]
A
You're in the haven of acting classes.
- [23:37]
B
I know.
- [23:37]
A
And then basic acting class with an emphasis on cold study work. Because cold reading. Cold reading, I'm sorry. Okay, that's me giving you a piece of paper, giving you two minutes, and go and read what you feel in your heart. Okay, well, then I'll move you on. But cold reading is very important because it's stand up. Cold reading is one sheet, 10 sheets, whatever the fuck they give you. And I don't know how to describe it, but you have to be good at cold reading, right?
- [24:15]
B
Because you don't even. You don't get two minutes on stage. On stage, something happens and you have to like. That's why I was thinking improv could be good.
- [24:22]
A
Nah, because you're gonna be with a bunch of slumps in there doing improv. You know, you don't want it with standups. It's a wall and a microphone, right? Don't ever get that wrong. Improv people got to go up there with 28 people. I don't, I don't want to do that.
- [24:40]
B
Right? No. Yeah, that's not what I want to do.
- [24:42]
A
Me, the mic and the brick wall against you, and we use all those elements, right? The microphone, us, the hands. So that's what I dig. It's that simple.
- [24:59]
B
Okay.
- [25:00]
A
You know, and cold reading workshops, usually a weekend, okay. Everything on a Saturday. Cost you 65 bucks, 100 bucks, you know, look out for really good. If you like a movie, right? Really, I enjoy a movie. You go, oh, that guy was great. At the end. Look through casting director was okay. And. And Google the cast director. A lot of times those people do those workshops.
- [25:31]
B
All of the actual casting directors will do, like workshops you can go to.
- [25:35]
A
It's a hundred bucks, but it's a hundred bucks well spent because you're going to do everything by the number from the minute you walk in to the minute you leave you're going to act correctly, you're going to dress correctly, you're not going to have cocaine on your breath. Because these people could put your films. So I took advantage of one. But the best one I ever took was Christian Kaplan. He's in la. He was the head of Fox and he taught a cold reading class. So I paid the whatever on a Saturday. Little gay guy, cool as moving the motherfucker. And I read for him. And he kept saying, joey, come back and read something different, you know? And I could tell, all right? And a month later, this motherfucker calls me, calls my agent and says he wants me to read for Taxi.
- [26:29]
B
No way.
- [26:31]
A
Okay, now the funny part of the story is on the way there, I got a call from Bobby Slate.
- [26:38]
B
Okay, the comics.
- [26:39]
A
Yeah. And he would always, like, braggadocio, my brother. I love Bobby. But he would go. He goes, what are you doing? And I go, I'm going to read for Taxi. He goes, I just booked a role last night. I had dinner with the director. I'm gonna do some role. I don't know who. When he asked me who I was reading for, I didn't say nothing to. I guess at dinner the director told him he had it, but he never told nobody else.
- [27:05]
B
Oh, no.
- [27:06]
A
So Christian Kaplan read me and goes, this is the guy. And the director agreed. And two days later, I got a call from Bobby Slayton going, you took my role.
- [27:20]
B
Oh, Jesus Christ. How good did that feel?
- [27:25]
A
Huh?
- [27:26]
B
Yeah, I said, how good did that feel?
- [27:28]
A
It didn't feel good.
- [27:28]
B
You love Bobby. But.
- [27:30]
A
But that's what I tell people all the time. You and your dinners. You and your dinners. You that, your friend, your sister's friend. Everybody's got a hookup. The best hookup you got is what comes out of your mouth in that stage. And what comes out of your mouth when you go to an audition, that's the hookup right there. You want to fucking be seen. Do a good read. You want to fucking. And they're scams. I'm the king of scams. Like, I knew if I read for Christian, eventually he put me in something. Just. I just knew I did another acting thing with. I forget the guy who cast Godfather to. And that was great, but he never called me in for nothing. But I never. I never really got to work with him, like one on one like that, you know?
- [28:20]
B
I probably shouldn't start with those though, right? Like, I should start with some introductions and, like. Because I've never done anything.
- [28:25]
A
Intro to acting, brother.
- [28:27]
B
Okay?
- [28:28]
A
Listen to what the Teacher has to say, take points from it, you know, like in your mind, in your mind, you go, I'm not ever gonna act or I'm never gonna need this. Yes, you are. Eventually someday you're gonna need it. And some of the in there pertains to stand up.
- [28:43]
B
Yeah, there has to be a lot. I wonder if they must, like, I would love if they had a class on like act outs. Like, you know, like, like, I don't like facial expressions. Like, stuff like that. Like, I don't really do any of that stuff.
- [28:58]
A
Let's just go to acting class. All right? Just go to acting class.
- [29:02]
B
I am going acting class.
- [29:03]
A
Listen, cold reading is also when I would get a cold reading sheet. Two, three sheets, okay? It's a scene. Basically. It's a scene. When you first get that scene, it's like a stand up set, right? You just wrote it out and then you perform it that night. And you come home that night, you look at the stand up set and while you're on stage, you do different things. Like, you know, I love Chinese people. I go to acupuncture. I love Bruce Lee. The only thing I don't like is with Chinese people, play poker when they watch me when I'm playing blackjack and just do that face. You know, that's something you're gonna get the more you read that. That's why when I get a cold reading sheet, I read it sober dead soul by reading twice. And then it's time to go smoke a number. And then you come back and you look at it again and that's when you add the flavor. That's when you put the, the marks, the beats in. That's when you go, I'm gonna change this word because I already say it here. I'm gonna pay attention and do something completely different. And then you have that settled. That's your masterpiece. But what happens if they call you back to producers?
- [30:21]
B
You gotta do something different.
- [30:22]
A
You gotta top that with the same lines or whatever. So you keep reading it, reading it, reading it, reading it. By the time you get the producer session, they're gonna give you that and two other scenes. But you're gonna read this one first because you know it and you're rocking with it. And after a while, it's, the more you do, the more you do a bit, the more you add life to it, right? Okay. You write the story, you color it in, you do it and then go, oh, I gotta write this in. I'm still doing that. The first Storyteller show for Ari me, Mark Marin. In the back of the the Improv, There was maybe 16 people and I decided to tell a story about Pink Floyd with Joe Folcarachio. I told that story 20 times, but it had been like a year or two since I told it. I never told it on stage is what I'm trying to say.
- [31:17]
B
Oh, wow.
- [31:18]
A
When I told it on stage that night, two days later, somebody sent me the tape. I had added so many elements, you slow it down and you sell it.
- [31:31]
B
Interesting, because I don't really even tell stories at all. But I've seen with bits. But with a story, especially your stories.
- [31:39]
A
Even with a bit you selling it right, you're still in a bet. So you always, always be selling. ABC Cocksucker. I want to talk to you cocksuckers about DraftKings real quick. Let's take a breather and we'll be right back. Tip top, Magoo. What's happening, you savages? It's November 4th, election day and as usual, DraftKings got something for you. You ready for this? Don't worry about the Thanksgiving turkey. Worry about the missing out on some great betting with DraftKings. DraftKings, an official partner of the NBA. It's going to get you having fun with the pick six. I just made a video about this. All you do is download DraftKings pick six app, select two or more players, and whether you think they have more or less of a certain stat, that's it. Bet on it. See what happens. Because DraftKings is where it's all at and where it goes down. So do me a favor and for the first time, pick six players. Check this out. New customers $5 and get 50 and pick six credits. Again, new customers play $5 and get 50 and pick 6 credits. Download the Draft King 6 app now. Pick 6 app now and pressing code Joey. Joey. That's code Joey for new customers to play $5 and get 50 and Pick 6 credits. Are you kidding me or what? It's a perfect day to get the party started with that. Only on DraftKings Pick Six, where the crown is yours, you savages.
- [33:15]
C
Enjoy gambling problem call 1-800- gambler help is available for problem gambling. Call 888-78-9-7777 or visit ccpg.org in Connecticut. Must be 18 and over. Age and eligibility restrictions vary by jurisdiction. Pick Six not available everywhere, including New York and Ontario. Void wear one per new customer. Bonus awarded as non withdrawable. Pick Six credits that expire in 30 days. Limited time offer see terms@pick6.draftkings.com promos.
- [33:42]
A
We're back. Don't forget, we got a lot of sports left in DraftKings. You got football, you got college football, you got basketball, you got pro basketball. By the way, Lee, I love basketball, you know.
- [33:58]
B
Oh, yeah.
- [33:58]
A
I love watching live basketball. I love watching baseball, football. Football is just too cold. It's got to be on the Lord's day. It's got to be 90 degrees. You're sitting out there. I went to my, you know, thousandth basketball game with my family on Saturday night. Oh, yeah, we got the tickets about two weeks ago. We're fired up, you know, good tickets. The drive down there was. Couldn't have been easier. Where we parked and walking into the building. Couldn't have been easier. The cheesesteaks, delicious. The french fry, and you don't need fried, bro. Delicious. I had a great time. I did, like 10 bong hits. I did some edibles. I sat there. I didn't say nothing to nobody. I took a mushroom bread strip. I had, like, two of them. And I'm watching this game now. I'm having a great time with the people behind me, the people to the side of me. There were two little fags in front of me that I think their girlfriends got them tickets. And they were both, like, you know, talking and whatever the fuck they were doing, talking about how to solve the world's problems. It was basically one of the worst fucking games I've ever watched in my life. Memphis, who I love, I love John Moran. They are so bad. And it felt like John Morant didn't want to score. Like, he was scared to score. I'm like, what the. He had, like, 18 points, maybe 14 points. And then on the sixer side, they were so bad. And me and my daughter loved Maxie. We go. We went for the Maxi matchup against JA Maybe they cover each other. Whatever. I mean, the Sixes were so bad. And here's the funny thing. Embiid said in the beginning of the season, he's going to play every other game to save himself for the playoffs. And that kind of bummed me out. And I'm watching that night. He's there. And to watch your team get killed like this without saying, you know what? Give me my shoes. Like, what's his name in the longest yard. Give me my shoes. I'm going back in, you know. We left with 8 minutes left in the fourth quarter. Again, I loved it.
- [36:25]
B
Was that bad?
- [36:26]
A
Yeah, I love. And that was eight minutes too long. Like, we should have. People Walking out in the third quarter, at the end of the third quarter, about exodus. I just wanted. I was with my daughter. I didn't want to live. I'm not waiting to the end to leave with all those savages, but let's go. And we got up at eight minutes and walked out of there like nothing happened. Got in the car and came home. We all talk on the way home, and my daughter and I go to a bunch of. We saw the Celtics, we saw the Knicks. We go to Philly twice a year to watch games. And basically, this was. And I. And I. I don't know what's going on with basketball, because again, I'm a big fan of basketball. I'm a big fan of Kyrie Irving. I put Dallas on a few weeks ago. It was unwatchable.
- [37:16]
B
Basketball or football?
- [37:18]
A
Basketball. I was watching. We're talking about basketball.
- [37:21]
B
Okay, this is minor.
- [37:25]
A
I watched the Knicks on Friday night at my friend's house. I didn't really want to watch the Knicks, but the mushrooms are starting to kick in. I didn't want to. So I was in the back just making believe. I'm watching this Nick game, and I'm going, what the is this? And I watched somebody. Oh, I watched Cleveland play. Is it Cleveland? Yeah. They on fire lately. And they looked okay, but everybody else looks like the Knicks look like. Dog Dog. It's. They traded that white dude. They traded Randall. You know what, man? I'll stay to watch it at home. I ain't paying to go. And it broke my heart. And what nobody's.
- [38:08]
B
What did Mercy think about it?
- [38:10]
A
Listen, she was saying, you suck. So for her, it was great. I said, mercy, what are you saying? She goes, I'm in Philly. You're right. You got a point there. You can say you suck at Philly. And people like, all right, yeah, he does suck.
- [38:23]
B
That's amazing.
- [38:25]
A
She was having a great time. Everybody, Every time they shot a foul shot, she would get up and go, boo. And yellow do a bunch of. With the rest of the lunatics over there. Listen, it's great for me. I didn't. I had a good time, right?
- [38:41]
B
But the game sucked.
- [38:43]
A
I don't know what happened to basketball league. It just the money, the something. Nobody rebounds. That drives me crazy. That a guy that's seven footers shooting dirty footers, and there's nobody underneath. Like, they just. All right, he missed. That's a offensive threat right there. I was born on the rebound. You know what I'm saying? How the fuck can you just look at it like, okay, we'll give the rebound up. No, get in there. And that's why I told Mercy when she plays, I go, there's 10 points a game under the basket. Just hanging around like a vampire. There's 10 points. Never hanging around like a vampire. Yeah, you're hanging out like a vampire, looking around, breathing on people, you know.
- [39:39]
B
And just grabbing rebounds.
- [39:43]
A
Yeah, you. You really grab an offensive rebounds, at least challenge them. But you can't shoot a 35 footer. I'm gonna kill somebody. Yeah, I'm gonna kill somebody. You know, you can't put a 35 footer in. And is that a three pointer? Yeah. Anything after, like, I don't know what the distance is, but everybody's shooting these bombs.
- [40:09]
B
Yeah, it sucks. It's boring to watch and nobody. This is coming from a Celtics fan who we won last year because of all threes, but it's boring to watch.
- [40:20]
A
Boring to watch.
- [40:22]
B
And I'm younger, so, like when the Celtics had Ray Allen, Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett, that those few years, like, that was when it was fun. Like they had a. And I don't know anything about basketball, but they had the main guys who would like, you know, they do a bunch of like two point shots and like going for like the. For dunks and layups. But then Ray, we had Ray Allen, who was the three point. We had one three point shooter on each team and now every person's shooting. Why are the center shooting threes?
- [40:51]
A
I know. I just want you to go in and bang it. And. Yeah, people get bit. All the sixes underneath were God awful. And all three players underneath were God awful. Even my daughter said, dad, they can't get a rebound. It was just. It was sad because I enjoy it, brother. I enjoy that. You know, listen, I don't go to the nick because it's too much parking and walking and moving around this goddamn thing here. Sorry. But I like my Easy. That night I had options. I could have gone to Brooklyn to see Iron Maiden in a box with the Florentine crime family. But I already had tickets for Philly. But I would have gone up there just to see, you know, listen, I want to see Iron Maiden. Like, I want to see a. You know about fucking midgets or something. But go up there, drink a couple cocktails, maybe eat a sandwich in the box, right?
- [41:50]
B
The box is fun.
- [41:51]
A
I want to go with the girls. I like, I like going to Philly. That's my family thing with them. It's easy for me. It's not like going to Great Adventure. I gotta walk 18 miles for nothing to get a shitty piece of ice cream and be surrounded with people smoking dope around kids. I hate all that. But this is safe for me. I could walk in. Usually I buy a T shirt or two. She bought the popcorn. Even the popcorn was good. In Philly, they put salt on. Yeah, got to put salt on popcorn. What is this? Put some salt on that. It tastes like the Eucharist. It's like going to a Jew's house for Passover. They give you those tasteless crackers that you got to make believe you enjoy. Like, mom, you gotta. Yeah, put some ham on this. God damn it. So you're not going to Florida this week now? Oh, you are?
- [42:46]
B
No, I'm going to Floor. I'm going to Florida. I'm going to Tampa. Side splitters. I'm gonna be there the 7th through the 9th.
- [42:52]
A
Are you headlining?
- [42:54]
B
No, I'm featuring.
- [42:55]
A
Who's headlining?
- [42:57]
B
Ian Finance. Very, very funny.
- [42:59]
A
Very funny guy. And what are you gonna do on Wednesday? You gonna hang out with Steve?
- [43:03]
B
I'm gonna hang out with Simone.
- [43:04]
A
We're gonna eat Italian food, Mickey Mouseville.
- [43:07]
B
And. And find something. No, something to do. I'll do. Go somewhere.
- [43:13]
A
Orlando.
- [43:15]
B
You know what, man? I. It's. It was. It was interesting.
- [43:19]
A
Nice club. It hasn't been the same. You know what I'm saying? The Pulse Club.
- [43:25]
B
I don't know. What club? The book club. The Pulse Snake. Is that what he said?
- [43:32]
A
Remember there was a shooting at a gay club three years ago? The Pulse.
- [43:36]
B
Oh, yeah. Oh, good.
- [43:39]
A
It's never been the same since. I mean, the whole town is haunted now. Yeah. Like, little gay ghost. And nobody wants to deal with that stuff, you know what I'm saying? So even the people at Mickey Mouse will come back and go, I had a gay ghost in my room. I don't know what happened. He's a joke. These are jokes. You're looking around. Is he talking about.
- [44:05]
B
No, I'm. I'm fine. I was excited. It was just, you know, it wasn't the right. I was gonna talk to you about that because, like, how do you. Making a decision on, like, an emotion, like. Like, do like. And not. And learning to, like. To. To maybe, like, trust your gut or. I don't know, like, did you ever make a decision, like, you regretted? Like, just, like, when you're angry, you're really happy?
- [44:39]
A
Every goddamn day.
- [44:41]
B
Yeah.
- [44:42]
A
Again, we're talking. We're talking about mental health. I had to change everything because I don't like waking up to P at 3 in the morning and thinking about something. And in those days, I would get up to pee at 2, 3 in the morning and someone go, why did I take that weekend? Why? And I would curse myself and I would kept doing it. It was the ones. And it was the ones when they caught you at a weird time because they got to keep asking, do you want that week? Do you want. It was like when I did the last year of the pandemic, before the pandemic happened, I had dates in New York, Boston. Do you remember that? And San Francisco. For some fucking reason, I decided to do Miami in the middle of all this. And that's when that movie called me. And they were like, we want you in New York on the 4th. And I'm like, that's not gonna happen. That's not gonna happen. I'm already tied up in a love triangle here. I got. I got Boston, I got the Connecticut Club, and we had Town Hall. And I'm like, I'm doing it that Miami. That killed me. That killed me because I was already had a lot on my plate. Just that one weekend. Well, in retrospect, it was the weekend I dosed Tom. That was the weekend I killed Tom. And we had pulled up in Waco, Texas. We got to give him a ton of water and IVs and whatever the it was. And we landed at 6 in the morning and at lunchtime he already called me. And he's like, what was in that? I'm still high. Go to bed, Doug, about this. That's the only good positive from that. And that's what I was doing a lot of. I was making a lot of mistakes that were keeping me up at night. Now I got rules. First of all, don't ever take a booking on a Friday. If they call you for your booking, it's because you're on the road and you really don't know what's going on. You're doing your favorite thing in the world. So they're going to catch you after you had a good set and you're going to go, yeah. And then you're going to get off the phone and go, what the fuck did I just do? That's a connecting flight to Michigan, right? That's the whole thing, you know? And that's the things you do. That's why I told you how I wrote a thing about every weekend I went to Cleveland, Pittsburgh, North Carolina. I wrote my own review. They write a review on what I did. I rather review on how they did How I like the room. Don't eat the fucking breakfast. You know? And when I get a call, I go, hold on one second. Let me look at where you put me. Pass. And I did that a lot. But there was a lot of times that you're in the. You look at your daughter and you think, they need the money, and I'm old school. I don't want to sit there broke and think that I turned down that gig you offered me for a thousand bucks because I would be in that position and go, fuck, I should have taken that grand deal. Now I got nothing. And that's why when that mentality was going on, I was just trying to put enough in the bank. Because you don't know when this is going to end. You don't know when Matt Ripe is going to come out. And everybody buys Matt Ripe tickets, and there you are with two shirts, and you're like, now I'm dead. You know, you never know. So you have to take the work. And, you know, at 50. Remember, I hit at 50. That's completely different than most people. So for me, it was going to be an end all, be all. And the original plan was to quit comedy and acting the day the Sopranos came out. I didn't want to do another movie for anybody else. I just wanted to work with David Chase. When the movie sucks so bad, I'm like, I can't retire on that. I can't. So.
- [48:51]
B
That'S why you're still acting?
- [48:53]
A
Well, if you want to call it that. I mean, I haven't acted all year. Not even Law and Order hasn't called me in this year. They called me in early, like in January and gave me three sets of sides. And then never heard from them again. Never heard from them again, so. But my feelings hurt. No, we still got the podcast. I got some dates. You know, we got a next Tuesday, we're in New York City Winery, sold out. We got Philly that sold out on November 27th. December 4th, we're in Hoboken. That's sold down. They're just gonna add. They're gonna sell tickets starting, I think, this week. What are you cheering about?
- [49:35]
B
I can go to that one now.
- [49:36]
A
Which one?
- [49:38]
B
December 4th.
- [49:39]
A
What? Where were you gonna be? In Charlotte.
- [49:42]
B
Yeah.
- [49:42]
A
Freezing your ass off. And then I just got December 26th and Red bank at the Vogel Theater.
- [49:52]
B
Nice, dude.
- [49:53]
A
They have to Christmas, Small, intimate. And now I'm gonna decide where I want to do my monthly show at either the Vogel, Hoboken, Jersey City, or City Winery. And that's it, brother. It's that easy planned. I'm still trying to raise my daughter. I'm still trying to be involved here. We got to put this office together next week, so please order the cameras before you leave. So once we get back this week, I'm gonna try to get chairs. If you see three or four chairs, you like, let me know. Trying to get some carpeting to throw on the floor and we get that done with. You know, this is. It means a lot to me, this office. I want to get this. I've been on a zoom for two years and doing a podcast by myself for a year and a half. This. It's gotta end. We gotta get a studio and go back. You saw the bags of goodies I sent you tonight.
- [50:46]
B
Oh, my God.
- [50:47]
A
Yeah.
- [50:53]
B
I'm bringing honey to the office, by the way.
- [50:55]
A
I'm putting a sign up. I'm getting a sign made. You dare enter this house lounge. You know what I'm saying? I want you to sign nads. Everything getting dick. Okay. This like a jiu jitsu school. What's that song? Play at your own risk. Play at your own risk. I'm telling you, Play at your own risk.
- [51:28]
B
I'm laughing because there's some people like, yeah. And I'm like, that doesn't make anybody. Like, that's crazy.
- [51:35]
A
Well, play at your own risk. That's life, Jack. Of course. This is the whole thing. We're just taking it back to play at your own risk, I'm telling you.
- [51:50]
B
Yeah, it's a great space. I'm excited to see what it looks like when I finish it. We have some. We have some ideas already working on.
- [51:59]
A
They took you to Calhoun's and Ari and Rob Kelly on their way to Cuba, and there's gonna be like a tropical storm down there forming.
- [52:07]
B
No, really?
- [52:08]
A
Yeah. They landed today and today they announced. Listen, the lights are going back off because month of zoom is coming this way.
- [52:20]
B
Oh, that sucks.
- [52:22]
A
My ear is still up. I don't have a doctor's appointment. Wow. To November 18th.
- [52:30]
B
Why do you get to wait that long?
- [52:32]
A
Who the knows?
- [52:34]
B
Oh, but like, is it a good thing? Is it getting better?
- [52:37]
A
It's getting a little better. Taking the time I wake up some mornings it's bloody. It looks like a virgin that went to a fucking orgy, you know, Wore miniskirt and didn't know she was surrounded by animals.
- [52:53]
B
So specific.
- [52:55]
A
Oh, my God. I'm having a good time with the shrooms lately. I'm not seeing the devil. I just take the shrooms to giggle and to listen to music. I go for a ride at night on a. On one of those roads where people do the speed limit. And man, when you're tripping and you see those lights coming at you and you listen to Led Zeppelin, Whole lot of love and you're like, play at your own risk. You signed up for this. See what I'm saying? There ain't no. There ain't no pulling over in the Cocoa Express, Jack.
- [53:27]
B
And dude, do you think you're not feeling it anymore? Because, like, aren't you supposed to have like double your. If you take it every day? Like you start with one, the next.
- [53:35]
A
Day you have to do two day break. Like I did some on Halloween and then I had to take a break because I got too up on Halloween. Right. And then I did them again Monday night. Last night I did a couple just to get, you know, just to start the.
- [53:48]
B
See, it took two days off.
- [53:51]
A
Yeah, you take a couple days off and you make it back.
- [53:53]
B
That's not that many days to take off between mushrooms.
- [53:57]
A
Yeah, but then I'll eat them again tonight, a couple of them, and then I won't do them till Friday or Saturday.
- [54:03]
B
So you take three, two to three days off. Usually people take like months off.
- [54:08]
A
Four days. You know, I smoke on those days. I take edibles. Like, you know, you gotta bounce your. You gotta get more bounce for the ounce, Jack. You can't be doing something every day. So every day I switch it up a little bit.
- [54:20]
B
I had no idea. Oh.
- [54:24]
A
Oh, that's a tremendous mushroom fly from.
- [54:30]
B
I'm definitely bringing honey, by the way.
- [54:32]
A
What's that, brother?
- [54:33]
B
I'm definitely bringing honey.
- [54:35]
A
No, there's no chance. No, no, no, no, no.
- [54:38]
B
The honey's coming.
- [54:40]
A
These things are good. They taste like jerky.
- [54:42]
B
No, they don't. No, they don't.
- [54:45]
A
Don't worry about me. How many other eat tonight?
- [54:48]
B
How many?
- [54:48]
A
I eat 50, right? 50?
- [54:50]
B
No, no, I ate a hundred. And then I have. I had a bag of gummies that I left in my car and it melted and congealed into one, so I took a bite out of that.
- [54:59]
A
You didn't eat the whole thing though?
- [55:01]
B
No, the whole thing is like a thousand milligrams.
- [55:05]
A
That's what you want. It melts together.
- [55:08]
B
I'm not eating a thousand milligrams at once.
- [55:10]
A
Let's play at your own risk, you know what I'm saying?
- [55:13]
B
Yeah. Let's go level under death, please. What are you talking about? A thousand milligrams in one bite.
- [55:19]
A
Yeah. What else you got to do? You got nowhere to go tonight. You're gonna watch the game. You're not leaving. You walk around tomorrow. You're gonna be running up those stairs. Tomorrow when they chase you, when you have your little. I just voted. Did you vote yet?
- [55:36]
B
I'm not trying to start. I don't, I don't vote either.
- [55:39]
A
Okay. And you're not a felon?
- [55:41]
B
No.
- [55:42]
A
All right.
- [55:43]
B
I, I just, Honestly, it's not for either. I think they're both terrible. I just, I don't like either of them.
- [55:53]
A
At least.
- [55:54]
B
It's not even, it's not even them. Personally, I've, I've never done it because I know any politician. I think all of them are liars.
- [56:01]
A
Okay. As long as we're back at the same. I like some, I don't like some. The only thing, I just don't. I don't want people breaking into the border every day. That's, you know, that's the thing I lean about the cop. It just. You eggs are still going to stay high. I did get gas today. It was 40 bucks. So I was in shock for some reason or another. Some head down there on one of those off roads. I couldn't believe it. I filled it up. He said, $40. This thing was dry when I pulled in here. I mean, it was dry. So for it to be 40, I was pretty fortunate. But that's what concerns me. I just don't wanna. I have no hatred for Latinos. I have no hatred for anybody who wants to be a American. I just want you to do it the right way. That's it.
- [56:56]
B
Right.
- [56:59]
A
So we don't know who these people are coming in. They're bringing gangs from here. This could all be bullshit also. We don't, you know, but obviously some of these people have killed a couple young girls and raped them and threw them off bridges. Listen, I pray every day. I'm trying to get healthy like rfk. And.
- [57:26]
B
By the way, putting a fan behind your head to blow out a candle is such a great image.
- [57:32]
A
I'm telling you, he has to have some guy next to him when he saw him in that speech two weeks ago. Be the same way if I didn't do something now. Now. But he's built. That dude is in shape. He lifts weights. He does testosterone. That dude's in great shape. So I'm not in great shape, but I'm trying.
- [57:53]
B
Yeah, I, I, yeah, I'm so excited for this to be over, you know.
- [57:59]
A
Man, it's not really gonna be over. Because we're just gonna open up another chapter of this week or next week. So for me, man, I'm happy that you're healthy, happy that the people who watch this show are healthy and happy at least to as happy as they could be. And we keep getting stronger every day because the world ain't getting no better as much as you want it to, it's not getting no better. So that means we got to get better. Right or wrong, Tarzan?
- [58:32]
B
Absolutely. I know. I like. And that's it. Nothing's gonna change.
- [58:38]
A
Another what? Cocksucker.
- [58:40]
B
I said nothing's really gonna change, no matter what happens.
- [58:43]
A
Yeah. So at the end, we all gotta go to work, we all gotta pay taxes. And I do that. That's good for an American. I'm trying to be a good member of society, especially my community. You know, I'm out. I do this. Wow, these mushrooms are kicking in because your eyes look like Charles Manson right now. From here. Now, I'm just teasing. Happy election day to everybody. Be safe. And you know, whatever, guys, it's up to you. The future. You control your fucking future. So don't worry about nothing. I love you. See you next week. Hopefully from an office somewhere, if not the week after that. I love you. Cocksuckers. Stay black.