If you want a problem, Joey Diaz will give it to you

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament

Episode: If you want a problem, Joey Diaz will give it to you
Date: September 16, 2025
Hosts: Joey Coco Diaz, Lee Syatt
Location: Live from NYC

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Overview

This episode of "The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament" is a classic Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt hangout—unfiltered, lively, and full of hilarious storytelling mixed with raw insights about life, comedy, and the current state of the world. The duo discusses everything from family rituals and comedy battles to Adam Sandler, internet haters, and the political climate following a tragic public shooting. The episode maintains Joey’s trademark blend of comedy and hard-won wisdom, reflecting on his past with humor and candor.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Family Rituals, Ancestors, and Cuban Traditions

• Joey’s Monday Rituals: Joey talks about the Cuban tradition of honoring ancestors every Monday with glasses of water and food offerings.
  • “Since I’m three years old. Every Monday for my father. But I have a couple glasses. I have glasses for his grandmother. Glasses for Vinnie… I’m running out of fucking glasses. Dead, dead, dead.” (01:05)
• Altar and Santeria Stories: Explains feeding spirits, lighting candles, and how certain spirits “don’t get along”—even needing to be fed in separate rooms.
  • “When you do the Santeria stuff… there’s saints that don’t get along. So you gotta put them in different rooms.” (02:37)

2. Parenthood & Revelations in Kids’ Movies

• On Watching 'Coco': Joey reflects on being deeply moved by the movie and the value of keeping the memory of loved ones alive.
  • “It’s a fucking great kids movie… whenever you put a picture up of somebody that’s dead, you pull them out of that. You keep them alive in heaven.” (03:58)
• Connecting with His Daughter: Joey shares how sitting down and watching movies with his daughter reminds him of the simple joys and how much it means to kids.
  • “When you were a kid, you want your people to watch TV with you…So I just went over there and sat with her and her sister.” (05:04)
• Getting Paid to Attend 'Coco': Joey hilariously recounts being hired by Disney to attend a movie premiere because a tennis player dropped out. (05:50–06:30)

3. Comedy, Edibles, and Fears at Disneyland

• Disneyland Edible Mishap: Joey tells a funny yet scary story about almost overdoing it on edibles at Disneyland and being stopped by security.
  • “If I would have ate a whole edible, I wouldn’t be here right now. That was one of the scariest days of my life.” (08:07)
• Public Freakouts: Joey compares his edible paranoia to a particularly wild story of freaking out on cocaine at a party in Jersey.
  • “I had a freak out on coke at a party here in Jersey… I’m bleeding from my nose, you know? What are you looking at… Disgusting. You’re a fucking junkie.” (09:26–10:29)

4. Comedy War Stories & Respect on Stage

• Late Night Standup and Show Stories:
  • Lee recounts the challenges and rewards of performing midnight shows, learning to go off-script when the audience is too drunk for material. (14:39–16:05)
• Adam Sandler Discussion:
  • Lee gushes over Adam Sandler’s impact; Joey notes he didn’t understand Sandler at first but grew to appreciate him as a performer and person, especially after working together on "The Longest Yard" and seeing Sandler’s Netflix special.
    • “When I met him for lunch…when I met him for the table read that I was like, oh, I gotta pay attention to this motherfucker. Cause he wasn’t your normal actor.” (18:26–19:34)
    • “Till this day, I thought it was the best [Netflix] special of the year hands down.” (19:48)
• The Hardest Acts to Follow: Joey describes the challenges of following variety acts on stage, not just stand-up, recalling a Tina Turner impersonator and musical comics who “leveled” the room. (21:45–24:11)
• Comedy Store Rivalries:
  • Joey shares about stand-up beefs and asserting dominance at the Comedy Store:
    • “You can’t take no shit from these motherfuckers, especially up here, no matter who the fuck they are.” (29:05)
    • “If you want a Fucking problem, I’ll give it to you whatever the fuck you want to do.” (29:14)
• Winning by Taking the High Road: Joey tells a story about buying cookies from an adversary’s kid to “own” the situation and later sending a gloating Facebook message.
  • "'Haven’t seen you up here in a while. I guess my jokes were a lot better than yours, motherfucker.'" (31:21)

5. Payback, Facebook, and Throwing Shade

• Keeping Score: Joey admits to keeping a mental “fuck you list” of about 200 people and periodically reminding them of his success.
  • “How you like me now, motherfucker?” (32:59)
• Harassing His Arresting Officer: Comedic anecdotes about writing to the cop who arrested him, tauntingly wishing him happy birthday and referencing the JonBenet Ramsey case.
  • “You arrested me. So now I got to let you know I’m all right. And I’m doing just as good or better than you, bitch… you arrested a criminal. But some of the shit you said in court, you were wrong. And here I am to prove you wrong.” (32:59–35:04)
• Internet Haters: Joey and Lee riff on handling trolls and negative comments.
  • “You were fun because you were just like, obliterate them with like six words. And they would, like, they’d go crazy and stop responding.” (39:59)

6. Reflections on Violence, Politics, and Society

• Reaction to a Political Shooting:
  • Joey discusses the recent shooting of Charlie Kirk, emphasizing the tragic loss of a young life over political sides.
    • “Last week, something happened in this country that was not good… something is changing. The world's changing and it's changing at a rapid fucking… pace.” (43:44–45:06)
  • Recognizes how frequent these events have become and the impact on daily life:
    • "I gotta be honest with you, when they… I forgot about the second [Trump] attempt…These happen so fucking often that you forget." (47:21)
• On Radicalization and Technology: Joey expresses concern over the influence digital spaces have on young minds and plans to limit his daughter's computer time. (48:29–49:03)
• Neighborhood and LA Stories: Joey and Lee remember wild LA times, sketchy 7-11s, stealing milk crates, and old scams and hustles. (50:00–52:43)

7. Irreverent Takes & Social Commentary

• On Cultural Stereotypes and Edgy Humor: Joey and Lee riff on Middle Eastern and Cuban “Uber drivers,” terrorist jokes, and absurd clothing lines (“Muslim wear,” “Hamaswear”), using dark humor to highlight the absurdity and horror of headlines. (54:25–56:13)
• War, Starvation, and Empathy: Joey clarifies that, no matter the political sides, he despises seeing children starve and uses dark humor to process tragic world news.
  • “Nobody’s right and nobody’s wrong. Let's leave it at that, right? But I never wanted to see kids starve…You never want to see a kid starve.” (57:25)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Monday rituals and remembering the dead:
  • “I'm running out of fucking glasses. Dead, dead, dead.” – Joey (01:05)
• On lessons from ‘Coco’:
  • “Whenever you put a picture up of somebody that's dead, you pull them out of that. You keep them alive in heaven.” – Joey (03:58)
• On the comedy grind:
  • “Mondays, you have an ancestor table, and you just put… kids you grew up with, North Bergen that died because they were part of your life.” – Joey (03:34)
• On following variety acts:
  • “One time this motherfucker puts on a wig, goes out there as Tina Turner. And look at these poor white people. They're all over the floor, they're having a heart attack. Giving them a standing ovation. I couldn't figure it out.” – Joey (21:45)
• On stage fearlessness:
  • “If you want a Fucking problem, I'll give it to you whatever the fuck you want to do.” – Joey (29:14)
• On internet haters:
  • “You were fun because you would just like, obliterate them with like six words. And they would… stop responding.” – Lee (39:59)
• On political violence:
  • “The world's changing and it's changing at a rapid fucking... pace.” – Joey (45:06)
• On empathy and children:
  • "You never want to see a kid starve. No, I wouldn't want to see my enemy starve. You know what I'm saying? Maybe a grenade up his ass, but not a kid.” – Joey (57:25)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Cuban Monday rituals and honoring ancestors: 00:53–03:33
• Reflections on ‘Coco’ and family movies: 03:43–05:24
• Disneyland and edible paranoia: 06:59–08:51
• Cocaine party freakout: 09:26–11:14
• Comedy Store rivalries & high-road cookie story: 28:03–31:35
• Facebook & ‘fuck you’ message list: 35:06–37:02
• Handling trolls online: 39:10–40:18
• Reaction to Charlie Kirk shooting and society: 43:44–48:16
• Memories of LA, 7-11, and scam stories: 50:00–52:43
• Edgy humor on “Muslim wear” and war commentary: 54:25–56:51
• Empathy for kids in war zones/starvation: 57:25–58:54

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Tone and Style

As always, Joey and Lee keep the conversation raw, biting, and honest with a deep undercurrent of heart and empathy. Joey’s blend of street wisdom, irreverent humor, and hard-hitting opinions shine throughout, making for an engaging listen and a distinctively Church of What’s Happening Now vibe.

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For Listeners

This episode is especially recommended for fans who love:

• Real talk about life, family, and ancestry
• Wild comedy club stories and behind-the-scenes showbiz anecdotes
• Candid, darkly funny discussion of today’s chaotic world
• Unapologetic, streetwise wisdom with a humorous twist

Skip the ads—every minute of content here is classic Joey and Lee.

Transcript

[A]

What's happening? Beautiful people. Uncle Joey here with my Jewish Cato Lee Syed for another fun filled episode of the church. What is it?

[B]

New Testament?

[A]

New Testament. Tuesday, the 16th of the month. It's moving fast, people. So get on the boat. It's moving fast. We're down to 14 more Mondays till Christmas and you're sitting there worried about. Huh?

[B]

Please tell me that's right.

[A]

That is right.

[B]

How do you know that?

[A]

Because there's a stupid tidbit that yahoo put up about a month ago. So just doing the fucking Math. The last three weeks, I'm down to 14 Mondays. It's stupid. I would never say that, but when I read it, it simplified a lot of things in my Life. You got 14 Mondays to get it together before the end of the year. Monday is the day you feed the spirits. You pray. You thank God for giving you another week to be the ultimate warrior. And we got 14 of those.

[B]

Do you still do the glass of water? Every Monday.

[A]

Every Monday.

[B]

How long have you been.

[A]

I ain't doing nothing today.

[B]

No.

[A]

I really just live for the spirits. Today I didn't do nothing.

[B]

How long have you done the glass of water?

[A]

Since I'm three years old. Every Monday for my father. But I have a couple glasses. I have glasses for his grandmother. Glasses for Vinnie. I have glasses. So you put a glass for everybody who died? I'm running out of fucking glasses. Dead, dead, dead. I'm running out of fucking glasses. What I'm saying to you? Oh, I'm supposed. Listen, listen. You have no idea what the Cubans do. So on Mondays, Cubans are supposed to. No music. My family. My family. I don't know what your family does, but for the spirits, there's no music early on in the daytime, okay? You have to give them water. You have to clean the spirit. It's called something. Altar, ancestor thing. That's what it's called. Like, I have his mother's bottles on there. Anything somebody gave me, you know, somebody gave me a gun. I can't put that up there. But somebody gave me a statue of, like a thing. I have his statue there. And you just put a little thing. Man, I put a picture of his grandmother and grandfather that I got from your aunt. And you just put them there. And I don't have a candle for all of them. I light the house on fire because that's what you're supposed to do. But then you're supposed to feed them, like actual food. So whatever you cook, you have to put a little dish out for them. I know.

[B]

That's nice.

[A]

I know. I know. Until you have a cat or a dog, a mice. Okay?

[B]

You get really stoned and you want to. You've never eaten that food, have you?

[A]

Then you have spirits that don't get along.

[B]

Shut up.

[A]

So you got to feed them in different rooms.

[B]

Was it people who didn't get it along in, like, the other.

[A]

When you do the Santeria stuff, right? When you cut up the animals, there's saints that don't get along. So you got to put them in different rooms and do the. When you cut the goat or the chicken or whatever, you have to put them in different rooms. There's one saint that likes to eat in the bathroom, so you gotta feed him in the bathroom, so you gotta go piss around them.

[B]

Is that your favorite saint?

[A]

I don't know. I don't remember anymore. But you have to put a candle on.

[B]

He likes to eat.

[A]

And I remember being like a kid and burning my foot on the candle. You gotta go pee and walk around the fucking candle. And the Cuban stew. And you got fried bananas in there as a kid. You don't know how many times you're like, man, I'm gonna eat one of those bananas. But your mother scares the hell out of you. She's like, don't eat those. Cause the spirit will punish you. They'll put cake out for the motherfucker. Like, if it's his favorite cake and you're sitting there fucking, I can't eat it. Because fuck it, you're on a diet. I'm on a diet. You know, whatever. It's just. So that's what you're really supposed to do when you really get down to it.

[B]

That's fucking cool.

[A]

Mondays you have an ancestor table, and you just put. Like. I put the two kids I grew up with, North Bergen that died because they were part of your life.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you ever see the movie Coco?

[B]

Of course.

[A]

It's one of the greatest movies of all time.

[B]

Oh, yeah. But you got pissed because my ex didn't like that movie and she was Mexican.

[A]

Like that movie. It's a fucking great kids movie. Like, I. Listen, they paid me to go see it.

[B]

I know.

[A]

So I didn't give a fuck. I went in there like, ching, ching. But I was like, this is a fucking tremendous movie. Because all it says is, whenever you put a picture up of somebody that's dead, you pull them out of that. You keep them alive in heaven. And then there's no. What's the plot of the movie? He has to Pull his grandfather back from heaven.

[B]

Well, there's so. I don't remember how he got there, but it was like his grandfather was being forgotten.

[A]

Hold on one second. I know people at home are going, joey, that's it. We've had it with you. Coco, how old are you? You're an old man. You watch Coco. I Got a Daughter. And sometimes those kid movies. Dog, let me tell you something. All those pics, the idea I went to somebody's house to eat dinner and the little girl was watching one of the guy with a skinny. With the big head.

[B]

And I feel like that's all of them.

[A]

Yeah, One of those.

[B]

Was it Shrek?

[A]

No, the other one. And I sat there and I was giggling.

[B]

Oh, yeah, I have a good time. Even edible.

[A]

She was great. And then I realized when you were a kid, you want your people to watch TV with you. Like, mama, come here, watch this. She's like, I'm busy cooking, you know? So I didn't know. I just went over there and sat with her and her sister, right? And my wife. My wife was in there, but she got so excited because I sat in there. Like, me and my wife sat there. Like, she would look at me and.

[B]

Go, watch this part the whole time.

[A]

The Minions.

[B]

Oh, shit. Okay.

[A]

Dominions. Fuck.

[B]

Those are funny. Those are good ones.

[A]

And they play, you know, they're geniuses because they play music for us. They put music that we grew up with. So at least you're not sitting there like a fucking idiot in the movie theater like, there ain't nothing here for me all of a sudden, you know, they put like, Justin Timberlake. You get a little wiggle to you niggle. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

It's great. I love getting high. And you, you were so. Because you got to bring mercy to like, the premiere of that named Coco, right?

[A]

So that was the deal for those people who don't know. Let me tell you what happened. I got a call, like, Monday at 3, like, hey, man, are you busy tonight? And I always say no. Yeah. Because I don't know what they're gonna hit me with. So I'm like, yeah. And they're like, oh, man, Disney's willing to give you like 1500 bucks to go see Coco because the tennis player dropped out. Coco Golf dropped out. And then there was another Coco, you know, and we'll send a car.

[B]

Oh, shit.

[A]

I was like, okay.

[B]

And.

[A]

And I'm like, I gotta go to Disney World anyway. I might as well work them when I'm down there for Some Disney shit.

[B]

Fuck.

[A]

So, yeah, they sent the car and everything. Mercy was all excited and shit. We went down there and the movie was sensational. And then the guy gave me some loot. And then the guy. The guy came over to me. I go, listen, I got to get to Disneyland and I want that package where you get the tour. I'm not waiting on lines. You got to do the fucking under the cave tour. That's the only way to do that. Not even. I don't even want to go under the cave. That's Mariah Carey and James Bond and those people. I just don't want to wait on line.

[B]

Right?

[A]

That's it. And the guy goes, done.

[B]

So isn't that the time that you tried to eat edibles? And they almost threw you out, though?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

They followed you to the hotel.

[A]

They followed me to the hotel.

[B]

Disney doesn't fuck around.

[A]

Now the girl just, you know, listen, man, there's people that take that job just a little too seriously. Oh, yeah, they were giving her maybe $8 an hour to be like a part time security. No weapon. No flashlight. No. No whistle, I was gonna say. And dog, she watched me from. I don't know why. She just looked like, what's that in your hand? A key, you know? And then she's like, what? No, I got inedible. And she goes, well, you have to put that back in your room. I go, all right. So I just wanted. My room was right there. I went one around, ate half it and two in the garbage. I went back. She goes, you didn't go up to your room? I said, are you serious? She goes, yeah, I'm not gonna let you in. I go, hold on. I have like eight people with me. I go, get your boss for a second. I go, listen, just give my money back. We don't need the sacrifice. Then somebody came from Disney. No, no, no, no. It's all right. And I'm happy to this day. I love that woman because she saved my life.

[B]

Why?

[A]

Because if I would have ate a whole edible, I wouldn't be here right now. That was one of the scariest days of my life.

[B]

Oh, I can't honestly, like, Disney's fun on edibles, but if it was hot and you're walking around for like 12.

[A]

Hours, it wasn't hot. And you know me, I ain't walking nowhere for 12 hours. It was the rides. Really? Yeah. I got on a ride, I'm like, all right. And also the ride took you around, but you had to go over a lake. I didn't know that I'm in that motherfucker. Like, yeah. And all of a sudden I look over, I'm like, oh, I'm over a fucking lake.

[B]

And you got scared?

[A]

Petrified. I thought I was gonna puke. I just kept going around and around in circles. I got off, I go, I'm done with rides. Then I went into that fucking happy ride. It's a great world after all. You ever go on that?

[B]

It's a small world.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You ever go on that? Of course, you sit there and it takes you around the world. But they throw sand in your face when you get the Indian shit. Fucking. I never forget sitting there going, thank God, I need a whole edible. Because you go to India, you go to all these countries sitting there, right? And you're really. Your feet only this far off the thing, but you feel like you're really up in the sky. And with an edible, you don't like that.

[B]

That's so. Have you ever freaked out on an edible in public? Like, I know you did. I know if you've been on planes, but like, have you had like a legit freakout?

[A]

No, I had a freak out on coke at a party here in Jersey one time. I just started yelling at everybody, what the fuck are you motherfuckers looking at? I'm bleeding from my nose, you know? What are you looking at? You're bleeding. You're disgusting. Really? You're a fucking junkie. What are you doing? It was a Christmas party. It was somebody's Christmas party from North Berg. And I was fucked up.

[B]

What does it feel like when you're fucked up on coke? You're just like out too much energy.

[A]

It's like a week of doing coke.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

It was like three nights, Then I took a night off, then three more nights. Then the holidays came and you would go from the 21st to the second. Jesus. It was like one of those parties on the 28th. And I went off at this party, I'll tell you who, there was, a North Bern guy that was gonna beat me up, okay? Because I was just calling everybody a fuck and all this shit. And I'm bleeding from my nose and I'm walking around with a bottle. I'm like Scarface. I was like Scarface in the restaurant. That's what I Like a week later, I was like, I gotta give this shit a break.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah, it causes like a schizophrenia to fucking.

[B]

Well, if you're not. Cause you're not sleeping, you're not sleeping.

[A]

Fuck, you're not sleeping. So you're just snorting and you're eating minimal stuff. You got no money to eat, but you got a lot of money to do coke. That's the problem. I never understood that. I didn't have a hotel, but I'm snorting coke till 8 in the morning. I never understood that. But that's when that. It was like a schizophrenia. I caught myself, like, after yelling at people for three minutes. I'm like, sorry, holy shit. I'm standing there bleeding from my nose with blood all over my shirt with a bottle of Jack Daniels in my hand, yelling at a party full of 30 people. And that's it. I think. I didn't. I was out of North Bergen a week later.

[B]

I was gonna say, that's hard to get.

[A]

Like, I was so fucking embarrassed. So fucking embarrassed, man.

[B]

Well, how long did it take to, like, did you have to, like, be sober to be embarrassed? Did you have to come down from it or like, immediately?

[A]

I didn't give a fuck that night.

[B]

No.

[A]

I was still yelling in the car and shit. Your uncle drove me home with Vivian. I'll never forget that. And we didn't say a word in the car. Not a word. I think your uncle even had it with me at that point. It was like a three month stretch that we're going crazy.

[B]

I can't, I. I have nothing to like, compare it to, like, because you don't plan to go on a bender like that, right? Just, just, just sort of happens.

[A]

The only thing you just, you know, it was holidays and, you know, it was. I was young, I didn't really know. Nobody really knew. And it was like a week long. 10 days of just pounding it, you know. And now it's Christmas. Shit. I had no family, so now it's the 28th. God knows what's going through my mind. God knows. But hold on. Let's start this thing properly, okay? We'll be right back after Blue Chew. Hey, Uncle Joey here. It's a beautiful Tuesday morning. I want to talk to you about something. It's time to give that third leg a workout with Blue Chew. BlueChew is the original brand offering chewable tablets for better sex. You can have stronger, harder, longer lasting erections like that in no time. Listen, that Blue Chew package is a little mint. Now it's just a little mint. You put that in your wallet, you see somebody lurking late night, you know what I'm saying? She's looking good, or he's looking good. You pop that thing and you're ready to go. Bluechew even comes in a little mint form. Like I said, it's tremendous. So it does double duty to freshen your breath before the big ba boom. You follow me? You hit them with a shot of mint breath and then you do what you got to do. So you buy a couple to keep around or subscribe to. Keep the good times coming on a consistent basis. Why stop if it works for you? Bigger erections, harder dick people. More people calling you. It's doing its job. And we got a special deal for church listeners. As always, you're going to get your first month of BlueChew absolutely free. That's right. Absolutely free. Just use press. Just use. Just press in code. Joey J O E Y at checkout and pay five bucks for shipping. That's it. Five bucks to open up the door to a beautiful new life. Just can you see yourself floating through dreams with that third stick? Just hitting trees, knocking over your grandma's flowers, you know? Join BlueChew's mission to upgrade humanity one thrust at a time. Head to bluechew.com for details and safety info. How's that? Kick this mule. We're back. All right. How was your week?

[B]

I had a really good week, actually. I've had a couple of really good weeks. I did a couple midnight shows last week, which I really dark. I did one at a club and one at a bar. And at the bar because you got. You didn't get mad at me like earlier this week, but I did a late show and I like, I did okay, but I was trying to do too much material. So then I went into this midnight show and like, it didn't even start to like 12:30. People basically were just stumbling in like hammered, hammered. And I, I think I had like an eight minute set. And for like six I had them. And like the last two because you just were like, you didn't get mad at me but like don't do material for midnight shows. I was trying to. I just went off the cuff a little bit, but that was really fun. And then actually tonight when I'm super excited about is I'm actually going to see Adam Sandler tonight and I'm. We're at the stadium, the like basketball place in Albany, because last night he was in New York, but I couldn't go on Monday night. So he. He's in Albany and it's like, I don't know, man, with all these people like just getting older. And Adam is not old, but I've been in love with him since I was in middle school. Like Adam Sandler, like Happy Gilmore for me, when I was growing up in like the 90s, Happy Gilmore, I still remember I was Jonathan Nichols house. And he might like, I.

[A]

He just.

[B]

I think he had the vhs. I forget where we watched it, but it blew my mind. And I didn't even really know him. Like the Hanukkah song came later. Like, I was like, I want to see. And then he came back a couple years like that Netflix special where he had that Chris Farley song at the end. It was amazing.

[A]

Netflix special I thought was phenomenal. Listen, I didn't know how to feel about Adam Sandler before you met him. Right. I'll never forget. I had to watch one of those movies and I'm like, this ain't gonna work for me.

[B]

I can see that.

[A]

Then here's the funny thing. The guy that's directing, Take a Banana for a Ride.

[B]

Jeff Ross.

[A]

Jeff Ross has a great one man show and that I want to go see.

[B]

Yeah, me too.

[A]

The guy that's directing, his name is Steve Kessler.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

Steve Kessler is nephew to my main man, Mike Kessler.

[B]

Oh, I thought the name sounded funny.

[A]

When I was getting into comedy, he'd always tell me about his nephew, nyu. And then I didn't hear about his nephew no more. Like, what happened to his nephew? And I'll tell you what happened. His first directing job was Happy Gilmore. Fuck. And after three weeks, he went into the studio and said, I can't do this no more. I don't think the kid is funny. Had him and they fired him. Yeah, I can see that motherfucker didn't work for years. How can you get. Cause he told the truth.

[B]

Listen, I was gonna say props to.

[A]

Him for being honest. When I first watched Adam Sandler, I did not. I didn't know what was going on. I had no idea what was going on. I watched the one with the kid.

[B]

Billy Madison, one of them.

[A]

I watched the kid see, like that.

[B]

I. I think he was probably for people my age, like, he like those movies and now his movies are like getting older. But that, that, that movie, Happy Gilmore, Billy Madison, there was another one, Big Daddy. Big Daddy, Those three, dude, they still, like, those are the movies I like. If they're on, I have to turn them on. They just. He's just silly like that. That's. It was just like the, like the height of like just being silly. And I honestly don't even know much of his stand up or. I have no idea what he's gonna be doing on tour, but it's like. It just. I don't know. That to me is. I don't. I don't know what to even compare him to for you.

[A]

Like, I didn't know who the he was, right? And then I wouldn't even watch that shit. I wouldn't even watch that shit. I'm not a big fan of that live guy, right? So Chris Farley and all that. He was whatever he was, and it wasn't for me. So I just got a call one day that he was directing the Longest Shot. And I'm like, let's give it a shot. Give it a whirl. And I did everything I had to do. And when I met him for lunch, he surprised the shit out of me. But not really. It was in a professional environment. It was when I met him for the table read that I was like, oh, I gotta pay attention to this motherfucker. Cause he wasn't your normal actor. He wasn't acting like an actor, right? And then we did the movie, and I really got to like him. Like, I watched the scenes. I didn't think he was overly hilarious, right? But I got his comedy and I got his warmth, which is really good. And like, during the movie, I started watching, like, one of my favorite movies is 50 First Dates.

[B]

Oh, yeah, that's a great fucking movie.

[A]

That's a fucking great movie. So. But when I watched this Netflix special, I got tasteless of him. I was blown away. And till this day, I thought it was the best special of the year by hands down.

[B]

Like, it was a few years ago.

[A]

Listen, man, it's variety standup. He comes out with a guitar. He does sketches. He brings his friends up. He does stand up. It's a party. He knows how to do it. He's a fucking genius.

[B]

And that was like that one. He shot it the entire tour, right? Like, that was. I think so. Like. Cause he had the other guy playing the piano for him.

[A]

Somebody.

[B]

That was a great special.

[A]

It's a great fucking special.

[B]

Something different. And it's.

[A]

Remember, I've always told you. What have I been telling you for years? Something has to change. I hate going to shows with three comedians and an hour. And something's gotta change. He changed it. He changed what I thought you could change. He changed it. Like, he just said, this is what I'm gonna do. I don't like guitar comedy, right? I do not like it. I don't. You know, it's for a certain person. It's for a certain person. They have to wanna be in a Band and like, that shit drives me fucking insane. Okay, okay. When I, you know, you always think about the people that are hard to follow, right? And you always think about, oh, I'm gonna have a hard time following Eddie Murphy. I'm gonna have a hard time following Rogan. I'm gonna have a hard time following Bill Burr. No, no, who do you have a hard time once you go up there and you stature. I used to have to follow this fucking guy. And not only that, like I used to. This is a different time. I had a different fucking head. And I would have to follow this guy that didn't have a joke throughout his whole act. Nicest guy in the world. But then he went in the back and this is 2000, this is 98. This motherfucker would put a Tina Turner outfit, the whole thing and sing like a couple Tina Turner songs. Listen, nobody could follow this dude.

[B]

Were they laughing after or they're just going fucking nuts?

[A]

A fucking standing ovation. People dying in the halls, holding onto their hearts. And you're like, I work every night in the fucking conference club and I can't get them to laugh. One time this motherfucker puts on a wig, goes out there as Tina Turner. And look at these poor white people. They're all over the floor, they're having a heart attack. Giving them a standing ovation. I couldn't figure it out. I could not figure it out, right? And those are the toughest people, if done correctly, that you're gonna have a follow. Because it's not a joke they're following. They just did like a music parody. I was at the Comedy Store one night and James Stevens III went up and they fucking hated him. Everybody hated James Stevens iii. Nice guy.

[B]

The audience or the other comics?

[A]

The comics hated him. They called him James Stevens. Deterred to his face. James, Stephen was a black dude. You guys might remember, he played the piano on the Stephanie Miller show at night. There was a show after Kimmel or I don't know, this is 95, 96. So me and Josh opened from Seattle. He's from Seattle, okay. So I got to meet him and talk to him. Very nice guy. I got to LA and he would sing, he would fucking go up there, crack a couple jokes. And he was good looking. Then to boot, he would sing like fucking the black singer from New Jack City. At the end, before they get shot, he's like, not Mary J. Blige, That's a woman. Whatever his fucking name. Marvin Gaye. No, no, no. Marvin Gaye was dead by then. This guy's up there, fucking, I wanna be. But those black singers, women, just chubby black chicks, go crazy. So fucking specifically that's who would go crazy is all the chubby white chicks and black chicks. When Stephen would sing. But one night I saw him at the Improv with a little organ. He fucking flatlined the place. I left that banging my head on the fucking door. I gotta go get an organ now. What the fuck? But one night he was at the Comedy Store. It was like 40 people. And he leveled it. Leveled those 40 people. It had to be 11:30 at night. I'll never forget, Eddie Griffin went up after him. And he went right after him. He's like, let's keep it going for James Stevens. Deterred, you know?

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

And all of a sudden he goes, because this is what I'm saying to you. There's some people that flies with, and there's some people that don't fly with. Don't fly with me. But when he said this on stage, I'm like, thank God. He goes, I don't know that motherfucker. You didn't say. He said a different word, a derogatory word used for black people.

[B]

He said, use your imagination.

[A]

He said, this motherfucker didn't read the sign out there. This is the goddamn Comedy Store, not the Singing Store. I'll never fucking forget that.

[B]

And was this, like, the height of Eddie Griffin being a star?

[A]

This was like the height of it, yeah. So, like, before he crashed the car.

[B]

Oh. Oh, I can't even imagine.

[A]

Bro. Nobody will talk to Eddie now.

[B]

Why?

[A]

Because he crashed. That car was worth, like, $300,000.

[B]

Why do they care?

[A]

I don't fucking know. But nobody else gave him work after that. They couldn't put him behind a fucking wheel of a car. I think. What's his name?

[B]

I don't know the story of him.

[A]

He knows the singer lives in North Bergen. Lady Gaga fucking put him in that movie with the Star Is Born blinking and shit. Him and Dave Chappelle. But before that, nobody had seen Eddie Griffinson's White Chicks or something like that. Oh, gosh, he crashed those cars.

[B]

What cars did he crash?

[A]

I don't know. He was on the set of a movie, maybe Too Fast, Too Furious, and he fucking. And he blew up some cars. A 400,000 Maserati or something.

[B]

Oh, that'd be fucking cool to see. But I can't imagine killing on stage at the store and then a star. It'd be like me going up doing well, and you going on Stage and like, not in like a lighthearted way. Like, bad mouthing me like, that would. That would kill me.

[A]

Would you work again? What was the set he was on? What was the movie he was on? A 1.2 million dollar car. Yeah.

[B]

I gotta be honest. That must be pretty cool.

[A]

I get my.

[B]

1.2 million. Do you think they charge him for that?

[A]

I don't know. I think when you crash a 1.2 million car, they pretty much just look at you and tell you to go home. They don't even want to buy the movie. Want to look at your face like you just crashed a $1.7 million car.

[B]

They don't. They don't. You don't think they insured for what it was? I thought they were going to make money off of it. No.

[A]

This is a guy that sold his own script. He wrote a bunch of scripts that he sold. I know from. I know for a fact he sold Daddy's grandma's boy or mama's boy or whatever. He sold that. That was his script because he was trying to get me in that movie, you know, he was a good guy to me, whatever. I'm not saying nothing bad, right? I'm just letting you know that for some people, that don't fly, dude.

[B]

I've never. I've messed up at work, but 1.2 million, that's. That's hard for people to come back from.

[A]

That's very rough.

[B]

But I did, and I won't. I won't name the guy, but. But I. That kind of happened to me at the Comedy Store. I got to do it like a. I was. By no means. It was like a produce show, but I was going up. And this guy that I've loved since I was a kid, like, one of the first comics I liked was going up before me, and I had done well at the store previously. And he brought me up, he goes, there are some comics who, when they go up, all the comics run in to watch them. This is not one of them. Le sigh at. And I, like, I was like a year or two in the standup and like the first, like, it was the. The last time I was at the main room, I got like a. An applause break. I came in thinking I was like, hot. The next time he brought me up with that. And then it. No applause break. It was. Was. I still. I. I'll never forget that. I'll never. So I can't imagine having Eddie Griffin go off on him for probably like, what, 10 minutes.

[A]

It's funny, like, when I Got to the store. There was one guy that wanted drama with me. There was one guy that wanted drama with me. And every once in a while, he would bring me up and say something, and I would get him outside and go, pretty fucking funny. And he was doing it for all the wrong reasons. Like, he had no idea that I would fucking bury him. Number one, he was a fucking. A fake biker, which I really don't like as it is, because A biker. I had a fake biker when I kidnapped Vella. I had the same thing. He was a fake biker. He had no biker blood in him whatsoever. And this guy had no biker blood in him. He had just rode a motorcycle one time and thought it was cool to be a Wee Dee and all that shit.

[B]

He had a leather jacket.

[A]

Now, forget that. I said something to him once. Like, the last time he said something. When he brought me up, I said something to him. No, when I went up, I goofed on him. I said exactly that. Let's keep it going for the fake fucking biker.

[B]

Oh, Jesus.

[A]

Yeah, because if you want static, I'm gonna have to give it to you at the store. It's like prison. The first time they smell weakness, they're gonna fucking steamroll you.

[B]

The other comics?

[A]

Yeah, the comic. I would. I would. You know, that's the way life is. They're gonna steamroll you. So that's the way I looked at it. You can't take no shit from these motherfuckers, especially up here, no matter who the fuck they are. And the bigger they are, the bigger you go at them and everybody will remember. It's one of those situations when you're choking them and you come out of here, what was I doing? Just like that fucking cocaine scene. While you're choking them, they're like, you don't know who I am. I don't give a fuck. And then they realize you don't give a fuck, and it's good to do that. So I said something on stage, like, this fucking guy. And when I got off, he was outside, and I just told him, you know, if you want a Fuck them problem, I'll give it to you whatever the fuck you want to do. So I knew he wasn't real, right? And then I did something that I thought I'd never do. He came up one day, and he was selling Girl Scout cookies for his daughter. And I had a chance to either rob him. Like, that's what I was thinking of doing. Like, stepping on him, like, crushing all the cookies. Like, that's how fucking crazy I am okay. Like, just knocking the cookies out of his hand.

[B]

He had the whole table set up, and you were gonna just, like Godzilla.

[A]

Or King Kong, and nobody was gonna say a fucking word to me. That's how. Like I just said, I was at the store. Mitchie Shaw wasn't gonna throw me out. And Mitchie Shore liked when I went out of motherfucker. So this would be perfect. He did what? He stepped on your cookies? She would have loved that shit. So I said, you know what? I'm gonna take the high road. And I bought three boxes from him, even though it was my cocaine money. And I remember him looking at me, and that's where I knew I fucking had him. I owned him. I could eat him alive after that. And then he stopped getting spots, and I started rising in the ranks. And I had to hand him a Facebook message one day to remind him of who the fuck he was messing with.

[B]

Oh, I love that.

[A]

And after that, he blocked me.

[B]

Did he respond to the message?

[A]

A little reminder who the fuck he was messing with all those years. Cause he ended up with nothing. He ended up in San Diego sweeping at my. You know what I'm saying? At 50, he wasn't even done. He was done. His career was fucking done. And I was just getting started. So I had to send him a little note to remind him.

[B]

What did he say in the note?

[A]

Haven't seen you up here in a while. I guess my jokes were a lot better than yours, Motherfucker.

[B]

Oh, my God. How good did that feel to hit send like a new man? Oh, my God.

[A]

In fact, today I sent my arresting officer in Boulder. He hasn't been posting lately. And I saw he posted today about my for police con. And I go, hey, what's going on? You gonna talk about the kidnapping? He won't reply to me. Whenever I see it's his birthday, I write him a big birthday note. Like, you know, birthdays on Facebook. Jimmy, how you doing? Happy birthday. You're still a handsome motherfucker. JonBenet all the way. You know, fucking dude, I'm. Cause he was in charge of JonBenet Ramsey case.

[B]

But hold on.

[A]

What?

[B]

You friended the cop who arrested you?

[A]

I had to.

[B]

What do you mean you had to?

[A]

I had to. The other guy won't even respond to me. He hated me more than life itself.

[B]

The other cop?

[A]

Oh, there was one cop. He even showed up at one of my divorce hearings. He even showed up when I smacked John. He showed up to testify against me. They were all looking at him.

[B]

And shit, in the case that he wasn't involved.

[A]

I'm saying horrible things to me, to John and my ex wife. And he kept saying, put a lid on it, sir. And I'm like, fuck you. Last I checked, this is amendment number 1, 2, 3, 4.

[B]

So hold, and you send. But you send the cop who liked you enough to accept the friend request, but doesn't want to respond to your messages.

[A]

What.

[B]

Why do you torture. Well, you just find these people.

[A]

You know what, man? You arrested me. So now I got to let you know I'm all right. And I'm doing just as good or better than you, bitch, so. So how you like me now, motherfucker? You didn't make a mistake. You arrested a criminal. But some of the shit you said in court, you were wrong. And here I am to prove you wrong. That motherfucker has never said to me, hey, man, congratulations. Thank you for doing what you did. Thank you for turning your life around. Nothing. He couldn't say a word. The other guy, listen, I did comedy works one time, and a junior cop worked with me, a guy that worked for Boulder Police. And I told him, I said, you work with that guy? And he's like, yeah, you gonna see him tomorrow? He goes, yeah, I go ask him about it. The next day, the kid came in to feature for me. It was like a bunch of comedy acts going funny at the Comedy Work, right? I said, what did he say? He was like, you don't wanna know. And the kid, like, was standoffish for me the rest of the weekend. And then the next time I came, I asked the bomb, and he didn't call for spots. They're like, no, not this week. He calls every other week. That cop scared him off me, but he believed him. Like he. You know what I'm saying? Whatever cop said to him, they don't. They don't. Like, if you came to me and said you did something 30 years ago and I'm watching you now, the life that you live now, you know, I'd eat my words. I'd say something to you, hey, man, congratulations on what you did. I didn't fucking like who the fuck you were, but I still don't like you. I still don't like you. But I gotta congratulate you on what you did, right? The odds of you turning this around. Well, one thing. The odds of you being in a fucking movie, that's another. The odd of you being in more movies, that was something else, you know what I'm saying? Like, I understand that. I'M big enough to say that to somebody. I fucked up with my judgment 20 years ago because I was a fucking idiot. So now if you come to me when you're 35, and you say to me, you went to prison and you came out and I see that you're working, you got a wife, you're not doing blow, I got to give you a nod.

[B]

That's what you'd hope. Police officers, because in theory, they're there, and a lot of them are there to protect you and also to reform you. You that what should be the goal of prison. But I don't. I think a lot of these, who knows, Maybe they hold grudges. Like, do you think that's.

[A]

So do I. That's why Facebook, I love it.

[B]

That's amazing that.

[A]

So do I. So do Fucking I.

[B]

How often do you, like, send them articles? Like, like, with your variety things or anything? Nothing.

[A]

How. I don't need to do that. Just that I'm on the other side of that Facebook fucking thing with them just because they predicted I wouldn't be.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You follow what I'm saying there?

[B]

Who else do you have on, like, the fuck you message list?

[A]

I got about 200 people hysterical.

[B]

How do you keep track of all these things?

[A]

How you doing lately? What's going on? How you like me now? Those are the best. How you like me now and then?

[B]

Do you even, like. Do you go back and forth with them or. If they respond, you don't even talk to them.

[A]

If I tell you something, that's even creepier for all the shit they talked. Right. They don't respond to me.

[B]

That's fucked up. Out of 200, how many do you think respond?

[A]

Three.

[B]

Damn.

[A]

I remember when I first started, like, going on Rogan. I had kids from North Bergen, hit me with eight, and I would fucking tell them, fuck you. And there was, like, a Spanish kid that went after me on Twitter. Like, my father said, you robbed the sneakers and all this. You're still a piece of shit. And I go, your father still works for mwa, and I'm in fucking LA getting my dick sucked and my balls licked. And he goes, how do you know my father works for mwa? Cause you're a fucking idiot for even being on here. And the apple don't fall far from the fucking tree for you to even relay that message on a Twitter that your dad said that you're a fucking idiot.

[B]

Yeah. You haven't done that in a while. You used to, like, go back and forth with people on Twitter.

[A]

Sometimes I had to.

[B]

Old to old school. Twitter was fun.

[A]

Old school Twitter was fun. But then you have to think about, like, why the fuck, like, listen, man, you wake up in the morning, you got a cup of coffee, you think about your day, you kiss your family, you pet the cat, you fucking feed them whatever the fuck. You open up your computer and there's some guy like going after you at 7:30 in the morning. A lot of people don't know how to handle it. And the first thing you do where we're from, we're like, hey motherfucker, you got a fucking problem? And then all of them were the same, they all fold, right? It's just people trying to get a rise out of you. And try some guy today on Twitter. Hey man, you gotta start feeding Lee. Have you seen Lee eat lately? Motherfucker, Obviously, you know, like, you gotta start feeding Lee.

[B]

Like, I think I've eaten enough.

[A]

That's why I don't understand. That's why I was telling you you can't read the comments. You can't look at. It's a retardation that is so bad because it makes you think. When you do that, you'll get eight great comments and then one that is so incorrect dumb that you have to. I don't. You have to ask what made that person say that, right? But what's going on in his life that he's such a fucking loser? Because at the end of the day, he knows he's a loser. This is why he's saying these things. I'm 62 years old. I have never fucking gone on something and said, I really don't like what you're doing. I think you're against the policy of whatever.

[B]

That would be nice though. No, no, no. Compared to the angry messages, I don't like you. You're. You're against my Paul. Like that would be something people tell. People tell me to blow my brains out.

[A]

Oh yeah, dog, They'll. They'll say shit like that for. Oh my God, the vacation thing about the vacation. I had people so angry about that. People took it to the heart. The Epstein stuff I talk about, oh my God. That's how I know we're doing a good job on the podcast, right? When you get that upset over a fat 62 year old talking about your vacation and who earns a vacation, you're not thinking about what I'm saying. And if you read the comments and if you saw the way they attacked me for it, you could see that they weren't even standing What I was saying, you've never worked a day in your life. You're flying the one the road with Rogan. Okay, I never worked a day in my life. You know what I'm saying? Like, they don't understand, right?

[B]

But I think the difference with you is, like, most people, I think, ignore it. Some people, like, go back and forth in like a, like a stupid battle. You were fun because you were just like, obliterate them with like six words. And they would, like, they'd go crazy and stop responding.

[A]

I could leave, come back eight hours later and the guy's still figuring out. And I would go, oh, my God. Poor bastard. That's when you know he had nothing to do all day, right? Uncle Joey here, as you guys know already, football is back. And so is his shot at you guys to win big with DraftKings pick six, the official daily fantasy partner of the NFL. That's right. You can score real money real fast. And here's how to play. Ready? You pick more or less on two or more players, stats, whoever you like. Then watch the game to see if you're right. The better your calls, the bigger your payout. You catch me. So do yourself a favor and here's the kickoff bonus now. New people to Draft Kings, new customers. I'm going to get you 50 bucks in bonus picks with just a $5 entry on your first pick set. You ready? This season, play your player instincts. Download the DraftKings Pick Six app and use code Joey J O E Y. Again, that's code Joey J O E Y. Just play $5 and get 50 in Pick Six bonus picks. Make the call. Ride the upside. In partnership with DraftKings pick six DraftKings. Where the crown is yours. Gambling problem. Call 1-800-G GAMBLER Help is available for problem gambling. Call 888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org in Connecticut. Must be 18 and over. Age and eligibility restrictions vary by jurisdiction. Pick six not available everywhere, including New York and Ontario. Void where prohibited. One per new customer bonus awarded as non withdrawable. Pick six that expire in 14 days. Limited time offer. See [e-mail] promos he's sitting there. He's watching CNN or whatever the fuck they watch all day long and they watch that the fucking Democrats are ruining the world and they just go off from that. Speaking of which, listen, there's a podcast. We're comedians. We discuss what happens in the world. That's what a comedian does. I don't like to get involved in this type of. Because then people label me a fucking political whatever. I'm not political, I'm a felon. So before I even go into this thing with you people, just remember one thing. This is coming from a felon standpoint. Last week, something happened in this country that was not good. Now if you want me to sit here and tell you I knew who Charlie Kirk was, I'll tell you. I had no idea who this man was. I had no idea who this man was. Did I ever see him before? Maybe, Maybe. I don't know. I don't know. That's my downfall as a human being living in this country that I tell you people, I blocked myself out from that. And I do. And I feel very bad for his family, his wife. He left kids behind. I don't know what he stood on in this country. I don't know what platform. I just keep learning little things. He's on a plane with JD Vance. So obviously he's a Republican, He's a young kid, whatever. What I do know is I saw a chick from my neighborhood that's crazy. She drinks and she sings karaoke by herself.

[B]

I can't wait to see how you connect.

[A]

And she's got like a little 11 year old boy. And I opened up my Instagram and she was on there crying, like tearing crying. And I remember when it went down, my wife said something to me, I didn't know who I was talking about. And then you try to put the TV on, they're saying the guy's bleeding from his neck in fucking Utah and all this stuff again. Listen, my heart goes out to his family, his kids. Obviously. Obviously the guy was a great guy because fucking people were upset. Jack, I've seen people die in this country. And it lasts one or two days till there's a balloon or cracker barrel changes his name again, then it goes away. It's fucking Monday. I wanted to pay the bill before for something. It's still on tv and there's still people crying. So this guy was doing something good, God bless him. But I got to tell you something, I'm not talking about this for political or whether he was right or wrong, something. When my wife told me I was downstairs writing or something. And I go, the first words out of my mouth, honestly, guys, was, the world's changing and it's changing at a rapid fucking. It's just changing. Guys, you know, fucking. I mean, I know they're in Memphis now, right? The National Guard.

[B]

Oh, yeah, they're going there too.

[A]

Yeah. Why they weren't there the last ten fucking years. I don't know. You know, because that's what you gotta do in these towns now. Chicago, you know, I mean, you have how many murders every weekend? North Bergen, New Jersey, I grew up here. Fucking two murders last weekend, one murder, two shot in middle New Jersey. That's never been a great neighborhood, but nobody's ever been shot in it. Okay? That's the project that never been. People jump shoot heroin, you know, they work at the mua, whatever, but. But they fucking. Nobody gets shot. Times are changing in this country, you know, and you have to make a note of this. Well, I think you have to make a note of this shit before you want to go do things from now on. Like it was an issue years ago, but we can't stop living our lives. I'm not gonna get on a plane because the terrorist is gonna get on that. I'm not gonna not go, right, well, I'm not gonna go to a fucking Giant or Jet Game anyway. I'm not gonna go to a Jet game. I'll never go to a Jet game. I'm not gonna go to one of those. Not gonna go to one of those games because I'm gonna get shot.

[B]

Right?

[A]

You know, like right now you have to think of anybody who has a platform. Anybody's got a platform. You could be at the fucking. They could be the New York Comedy Festival where you're at Washington Square park doing the comedy festival. And you get shot in the head. And you get shot in the head. I mean, you know, I know that. Again, this isn't a political podcast. What I'm trying to talk about is some guy got shot, man, for no fucking reason.

[B]

I think what's happening, because I was in like fifth. I think I was in fifth grade when Columbine happened. And then like slowly started to happen. But now the sad thing is these things are happening once a month at a minimum. Like, I. I gotta be honest with you, when they. Because when they were. I was watching the news on this and they were talking about when Trump got those two attempts. And to be very honest with you, I forgot about the second attempt. I remember the ear, but the. There was a whole. These happen so fucking often that you.

[A]

Forget about Trump getting shot.

[B]

No, but I'm just saying these things happen all the goddamn time.

[A]

This is not a fucking tia. Trump type of guy. No, no, this is a lower end type of guy. I don't know this guy.

[B]

He was on that level. Apparently. He was. He was like the next Like a star. Like.

[A]

That's why I wanted to mention Trump. I would have mentioned Trump, you know what I'm saying? I wanted to keep Trump out of.

[B]

This conversation, but it's not.

[A]

Okay. The fucking guy died. Got shot in an afternoon in Utah, of all places. I could see if it was northern New Jersey. I could see if it was Buffalo, New York. I could see if it was fucking la. The guy with the flag shot him and shit. But fucking Utah, you know, and it's just. It's a different world, ladies and gentlemen.

[B]

And on a college campus.

[A]

On a college campus, you know, I don't know. I don't know any details of the shooting. You know, again, I don't know much about what's going on. I know they captured somebody. They caught somebody. He's not.

[B]

His dad turned him in.

[A]

Yeah. He's not cooperating with authorities. You know, people are getting. I'm gonna have to talk to my wife. Seriously. I'm getting Mercy off the computer, guys. And what way Time limits. There's gotta be limits. There's gotta be limits because they said that he got. What's that word? Remember when we used to go to the 711 and the crazy one Chandler.

[B]

On Chandler with the music?

[A]

Yeah. You get rationalized when you went and shopped there.

[B]

Radicalized.

[A]

Yeah. All you had to do is go in there. You could be the nicest white guy, go into 7 11, the Chandler. There was so many ISIS in there. And the music, they played the flute, everything. You come out of there like, fuck America. And then one day, remember they. They shot on his wife.

[B]

They got stabbed two people.

[A]

I'm not kidding. I knew that fucking.

[B]

It was Canyon and Chandler. And he's talking about the music. He's not like. It's not like they had a little speaker or his phone going. It was on the speakers and it was. It was like a party.

[A]

He was like telling you, go fuck yourself. We're jihad and we're going to blow this fucking neighborhood up any fucking day. And it was next to a Laundromat that was open 24 hours. Yeah, that was just as scary. And it was maybe three blocks from the house. Maybe. Yeah, Laurel Canyon. Let me just. I can't.

[B]

Five years, like one major street. It was Laurel Canyon, then Colfax.

[A]

But.

[B]

It'S like a long la. But it's not like a New York block.

[A]

Laurel Canyon and Chandler. Where would I get off on.

[B]

On the. On the 101.

[A]

I'm on low Canyon. Jesus Christ, I gotta start taking. I Gotta start eating beets.

[B]

What do beets help with?

[A]

I don't know. Everybody's eating beets in a gel form. They get their memory back.

[B]

Oh, it helps with that. Yeah, dude.

[A]

So Santa. Anyway. Oh, okay, now I know. Jesus Christ. Yeah, I got to go past your house. Yeah, it was Colfax. And then after Colfax, past the hot dog place, past Popeyes, past the yoga place, go past that light, right?

[B]

And it's at that. Chandler was the one that had like the. With the bus going down the middle. All the Jews lived on Chandler.

[A]

I remember going to that place.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I would get like snacks or something.

[B]

Oh yeah.

[A]

And they used to be like a Japanese hand job place.

[B]

That was a different 7 11. But yeah, because this one, this one you were exactly right. Had the. It was that and a 24 hour laundromat. And you for years, like, don't go to that 7 11. The ISIS 7 11. And then right before we left, a homeless dude was like robbing a 711 and he stabbed two people. Like it was 7 elevens in LA. Like a, like kind of like a lawless. Like, like a homeless people were there.

[A]

Well then there was the one we used to torture the guy. The one where the lady was sitting. I put the light in the ride and she's like, oh, yourself.

[B]

Oh my God.

[A]

That's where I met the black hooker that night.

[B]

Oh yeah.

[A]

Remember the hot chick in the Jeep that started talking to me and you're like, you know, I'm like, no.

[B]

What was that? Like to hunger and something? No, it was right across from the diner.

[A]

That was the one from the diner. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

I don't remember the street names.

[A]

The block from where I beeped the horn on the ma.

[B]

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. That was a great YMCA park.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, by the park there.

[B]

But dude, the light. That poor lady's eyes. She was just sitting in that. In that wheelchair.

[A]

Like she was a fake. She was the wheelchair.

[B]

Was she out there?

[A]

She was like the chick. She was like eddie murphy in 48 hours. The wheelchair. Not 48 hours. Trading places.

[B]

Right?

[A]

The wheel. She was walking around. I would see her walk around and then she would sit there in a wheelchair. She would push the wheelchair herself, right? And then sit there like trick you and asked for coins. And one night I pulled up and I put the light in her eyes just to let her know I knew what she was up to. And when we got out of the car, she's like, oh yourself. But we even gave her money.

[B]

We tried to she. I don't think she. I think she didn't want to take it and I can't. Was that the night that you had me steal the milk carts? And I was. I was high as paranoid.

[A]

Did we steal them from that?

[B]

Some one of them for the. For the records.

[A]

I really want to go back to LA for a week. One week.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And if I tell you what I want to go back to do, you would not believe it. Because if you know me for real, right. You know what I want to go back and do?

[B]

Burn some places down.

[A]

No.

[B]

Do you want me to guess?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

If you knew my torture side.

[B]

Oh boy.

[A]

What would I obviously get on a plane to go do the first one.

[B]

The first one at some point is you would drive in your old neighborhood and run and run over the guy's cones.

[A]

That's the first thing.

[B]

Okay, it's not.

[A]

I would just get on a plane to do that to that guy. Five nights and four nights in a row. And then Friday we knock on his bell and you ask him, has somebody been running over your cones? And we put it on tape just to see him go, yeah, he disappeared for five years. Nobody touched my cones.

[B]

We gotta be care. They have cameras now.

[A]

Who gives a? Dude, we're renting a car. We're renting Ubers.

[B]

And they link that to people. We can't have an Uber driver run over someone's cone.

[A]

Listen, you get one of Those Uber drivers, 50 bucks. One of those Mexican Uber, they'll ride over your mother, they don't give a fuck. They'll drive over your mother, they don't give a. Those Arabs got no licenses. They got nothing. They're like Cubans. They got fake birth certificate. Those Arabs come over, dog, they don't give a fuck that license. They don't even know who the fuck they are. And try to find them. Go back to Arabia and try to find them. You think it's hard to find a Mexican? Mexican, Go ahead. Once they got the frolic on the head, what do they call that?

[B]

So they're going to have to leave America for 50 bucks.

[A]

What do you call that? The Muslim wear?

[B]

I have no idea.

[A]

That should be a new line, Muslim wear, you know what I'm saying? Like terrorist wear. Like clothing when shit's on fire, you know what I'm saying? If you're thinking of blowing up, that's just baboon.

[B]

Oh my God.

[A]

Everybody wants to blow up.

[B]

Can you imagine having their store at the mall?

[A]

What happened?

[B]

Like they would have a store at the mall. Oh, my God, the terrorist line.

[A]

That'd be tremendous, wouldn't it? Lee and Joey's baboon.

[B]

Why do we have to own it?

[A]

We'll let Nick on it. And then we sit and get no money. Like, that's what the fucking white people said. Why. Why were the Indians. Why would we. Because we're trying to make a dollar here. Why would we want to. What, you don't want to make no money? Be a little controversial. That's how you make money by. Boom, boom, boom. You don't remember before you were born, there were these shirts that if you put the shirt on, they would change colors according to your body heat and mood.

[B]

Okay, That's a.

[A]

That's. It's called body cat. We bring that back and we call it body camouflage. Knowing before you get blown up like that, minute before, you know, before you die, you get that last shot of whatever and emt and the third eye goes to work. The same thing. This shirt will let you know that you're about to die. There's a missile, like, if you wear this.

[B]

Then there's the missiles coming when it starts to change colors.

[A]

Fucking good idea. I'm gonna shut up. I've been looking for an investment. This one. Is it Hamas wear. Like, something like that.

[B]

That would actually do very well right now.

[A]

Oh, my God. Hamaswear?

[B]

Yeah, those little scarves. You'd sell a million scarves and 10%.

[A]

Goes to the poor Hamas kids that ain't eating.

[B]

But you don't send it to them.

[A]

No, we're gonna send it to them. You're okay. I send them 20%. Those kids are starving. Those kids haven't seen those. I saw a kid that was 18. He's five foot one. Not even. He's one foot five. That's what I meant to say. He's fucking. They're like a foot and a half. They ain't even growing. They got no nutrients. It's like Cuba. These kids can't grow, Right? They can't grow. We're cutting out a whole civilization. These poor kids. I mean, we're goofing around. It's a joke, but it's not really a joke.

[B]

No, it's not.

[A]

Listen, Jews got to do what they got to do. I'm not mad at Israel or anybody else. War is war. And, oh, they're going to hate us for this podcast. It's all right, but, you know, you.

[B]

Can be mad at everybody. I'm mad at Israel. Like, it.

[A]

We.

[B]

You have. And I went there and, like, I, what if people are sending rockets or like there's a lot of reasons why Israel has to do certain things at the, like, there's no, you can't justify the things that are coming out of there. You can justify it to a point. And you know what? I'm not, I'm not saying Hamas is obviously a thousand there. They put hospitals around people, they, they're.

[A]

You know, nobody's right and nobody's wrong. Let's leave it at that, right? But I never wanted to see kids starve. No, you want to starve me? I got like 80 days, you can starve the out of me. I got Chinese ribs, I got stugats, I got fat all over. Yeah, but those kids, you know, it's, it's a hunger issue and it's a kid issue. So I don't care how you feel about different political things. You never want to see a kid starve. No, I wouldn't want to see my enemy starve. You know what I'm saying? Maybe a grenade up his ass, but not a kid. You follow me? I have a lot of enemies. I love to put a grenade up.

[B]

Their ass, man on fire style.

[A]

Yeah, but they have to be over 30 years old. I'm not here to more 30s than.

[B]

The minimum to blow someone up.

[A]

You know, it's just like I said, guys, in the beginning of this, all this stuff, the starvation, we're living in a different fucking world, man. And it's not. The old world's not gonna come back. It's not gonna get any better. I'm not here with negative shit. This is just the obvious. They just killed a kid on a college fucking campus. This could be us, this could be you. I mean, nobody would shoot me. They don't give a fuck. But this kid was actually doing something good. Kids loved him. He was doing something for kids. I watched an interview with an 18 year old kid. The kid was goofy or whatever. What would I rather him doing doing that or selling drugs or doing the stupid shit I was doing, I'd rather be doing that.

[B]

And I don't, I don't, I'm not speaking poorly about anybody. But just the other side of it, there are people who are on the, are on a certain political side who don't think he was doing good. But no matter what you think, like about what he was doing as a person to get it like shot in front of like that, that's wrong. No matter what.

[A]

Well, I did hear. Like I said, guys, after the pandemic, I stopped trying to Watch the news. The pandemic threw me into a fucking state that I had fear. I had fear of something I didn't see. That's not who I am, you know, So I know. I just didn't want to watch it anymore. I don't really catch up on that stuff. I'm not going to turn the TV on to watch something political. I don't want to get aggravated. But I have heard that people were cheering. Like people from tmz.

[B]

Oh, yeah, a lot of people got in trouble.

[A]

A couple people, journalists, lost their job. Like I said. Again, listen, we were talking about Danny Merwin guy, the guy that owned the comedy club RIP. We made a joke, you know, listen, you can make a joke, but to cheer outside when you're a journalist or something to that nature and cheer that somebody died. Again, we're talking about the world changing. And I want you to be aware of that. That's all. I just want you to not to go, wow, how could that happen? Things are happening things. You know, when we were kids, if there was a shooting in Manhattan once a week, it's two in the morning. What do you think happens in Manhattan at two in the morning? You're giving out flowers. What do you think happens in Manhattan? People drinking. There's drugs involved and there's guns. But now it's every other day there's a shooting somewhere, a kid. This, that. Look at this comedian guy. That's. Nobody really talked about that. He had. I mean, I know that kid. I know John Reap. Oh, I know. I personally know John Reap. I know him since he's a kid, Sunday nights at the store. I know him. This gotta be 20 years since I did Sunday nights at the store. I know that kid a long time. If you're gonna. If I'm going on a plane with you guys and all of a sudden I look down, there's a picture of him on TMZ. Got arrested. 11 counts of child molestation. Listen, I know that kid, man. He never gave me. I'm not gonna lie to you. He never gave me the feel of somebody like that. Right.

[B]

I just want to clarify. Just. It wasn't child. It was like something online. Nothing physical.

[A]

Child porn, whatever. I know John. And you know what? I don't agree with what he did. I don't like what he did. But I gotta say a prayer for the guy, you know? I gotta go. Well, John, listen, man, the devil is working overtime. Just note that ever since fucking they shot Kobe, the devil has been working overtime. You don't believe me. Look at the results. Look at what's going on in the world right now. The devil's working overtime, and there's just so many. Look at. There's cities. You go into that. You walk in the street, and all of a sudden, a van pulls up out of nowhere, and you hear, andalay underlay. And people with masks are grabbing three people, whether they're. You know, in the old days, I would grab you and Mirandize you and, you know, read you the riot act and gave you a minute to whip out your license and go, this is who I am. Blah, blah, blah, blah. We're not even doing that in this country anymore. No, again, people voted for that. This is what you wanted. I don't want this to be a political podcast. But think about it. We. This is not what I paid for. All right? I thought you were gonna stop people at the border. I didn't think when I'm meeting at Rudy's, you're gonna come into Rudy's and take my favorite clam guy, you know what I'm saying? Like, where's he going? And he's getting taken away.

[B]

He going. He's going home.

[A]

Where's me? Where's he going? And that's what's going on right now. People eating at restaurants. You know, you get used to Donatello's, and all of a sudden you're there, and Pepe's getting whipped out of the kitchen while he's whipping up your eggplant rollatini. You couldn't give him 20 minutes, you know what I'm saying?

[B]

Let's finish the dinner. And you know what's more wild is they're sending people to, like. Like, I don't remember the names, but, like, in Africa, like, they're sending. Like, they're just sending people away. And can you imagine, like, if, like, you made it to America from another country, and then, like, they suddenly you're on a different continent, and, like, I don't know how, like, you can't. Can't walk home. Like, there's.

[A]

So. Wait a second. I'm from Columbia. I ended up in New Jersey. I got a wrestling. Connecticut, and now I'm in, I think.

[B]

So. Can you look it up, Nick?

[A]

I think they didn't even do black people that bad. Like, the slaves, they at least took them from one destination to the other. These motherfuckers are getting treated like Chinese people in the 20s.

[B]

Oh, yeah, this podcast is definitely getting taken down. This is amazing.

[A]

Anyway, I just want to, you know, I really wanted to bring the Charlie Kirk thing up. No. Even though I'm not political or politically in kind inclined. He is a human being.

[B]

Oh, absolutely.

[A]

And that's what I was talking about.

[B]

That Ghana, South Sudan and Uganda have partnered up with America to accept the migrants of nations that are.

[A]

Bro, get ready to cut grass in Gwana. You'll be chasing lizards. There's a dead animal on the street. Did you guys see that tonight?

[B]

No.

[A]

What the fuck is that? Before, just Chubby laying in the middle of the street. I had to drive over him two times. There was no parking. I mean, I didn't run him over with the tire. I had to run over him real slow. Like I didn't want to hit him. I thought he was just resting. He was like Joe Pesci and Goodfellas. He was resting. I know when I'm resting, I'm resting. I'm in the bushes and sea clothes. Where you at this week, player?

[B]

This week I have a few shows this week. On the 17th and the 19th, I'm going to be at Sheba's, which is at the Three Monkeys Bar. And then on Thursday, I'm gonna be at St. Mark's at 10:30. And don't forget New Jersey. September 26th, the dojo. I'll be headlining.

[A]

I added some shows. I got the 24th at levity. It's. There's a wait list, so. There's no fucking wait list in my world. I added October 8th to you animals. So I'll see you on levity, October 8th. And that's all I got right now. You guys know the schedule. You got November 8th. Where are we?

[B]

Is that Virginia?

[A]

MGM. MGM in D.C. then on the night before Thanksgiving, we are at Park Philadelphia Parks casino. And then December 6th, 5th, we're at Virginia Caesars, Virginia. So get your tickets. They're on sale right now. I got Staten island coming. I got Tampa coming. I got a couple things coming. But for right now, just focus on October 8th. That's all you need to know. Levity Live. All right, and September 26th for my little penguin buddy over here, Lee Syed. And we love you. And that's it. Thank you for supporting the Monday Night Football. We've been doing it. It's fantastic. Hopefully you'll see the one that we did last night. I love you guys. Stay black. Have a great week.

[B]

It's on YouTube and X. Yeah, right.

[A]

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