← The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament
The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament
If you're walking on ice you might as well dance
01:19:33
Loading summary
Transcript317 lines
- [00:03]
A
Kick this mule. What's happening? Beautiful people. Uncle Joey here with his trusted sidekick Lee Syat, AKA Kato, for another tremendous episode of the Church of what's Happening Now New Testament.
- [00:18]
B
Oh, there we go.
- [00:19]
A
Fuck it. There you go. You know what I'm saying? We've been gone for a long time.
- [00:22]
B
No, we haven't.
- [00:23]
A
Yeah, last week, 4:20. I forgot. It felt like two weeks ago. But 4:20 was fantastic. I want to thank Rhythm. I want to thank nj Leaf rooted all the places that I vigor, all the places I go to visit on 420. I had a nice 420.
- [00:42]
B
You did. You did little rounds and went to some stores that day.
- [00:45]
A
I only went to one store. I was in a rush all day. I wasn't feeling good. I was still nervous.
- [00:50]
B
Did they have, like, events like, in la? It was like a big thing. They'd always be like, hot dog store.
- [00:55]
A
Yeah, they had events in my area on Saturday. We were in Nashville.
- [01:00]
B
Oh, yeah.
- [01:01]
A
By the way, if you came to the shows in Nashville, thank you. We love you to death. It was a great show. I was honored. But when I looked down, I saw the church windows. I was like, God damn. All right. We're the fucking church. But it was beautiful. The city was great. And that's it. What's up with you, dude?
- [01:20]
B
We should tell them. I thought. I thought for sure I wasn't going to be in Nashville or if I was, I was going to be on Spirit. The first time I've been with you since 2012. This is the first time ever I was late.
- [01:33]
A
I know.
- [01:33]
B
This is. Oh, I was. And I thought I was cool. I looks it.
- [01:38]
A
There's times when if you tell me you're late, I'm like, oh, you know what? Just show up at my house. I'm canceling. Anyway, fuck it, we'll go tomorrow.
- [01:47]
B
I thought you were going to be, like, on the plane already.
- [01:49]
A
One little bit of a bad omen, like, Lee, I don't know if I'm gonna. Jesus Christ. I don't know if I'm gonna make it. You know what? You're right. We ain't gonna make it. Fuck it. We'll leave tomorrow morning. Gives me a chance to go cop a bag, just sleep on my couch, then I'll be back.
- [02:03]
B
Oh, my.
- [02:04]
A
I should have 20 bucks. Never. I've always hit you up with a small fool.
- [02:08]
B
I got it in fives. Oh, my. But you like. Yeah, because, like, dude, when we used to go places, I never, like. Remember we went to the UFC and then we Didn't. It was like a Robbie Lawler fight. It was in Vegas. You, it was like right when we started hanging out and I, we. I think you did a show and then I stayed at like a weird, like you're like, listen, if you can get a hotel room for another night, I have like floor seats. At the UFC was like an early Robbie Lawler one. But at that point you weren't watching the main events. So like. And I knew that if I didn't go up with you, I was, there's no way I was going to get out of the, of the arena. So any, anytime we went anywhere, I would, I like, I stood stood next to you like this because like, you would have left me places. No. And you would have thought you would have called me later to make sure I was okay, but you would have
- [02:56]
A
left me places before you put bad information. What do you mean I don't stay for the last event, dude.
- [03:04]
B
Oh, I'll never forget it. It was a. I and I think I you told we you stayed. But we watched the fight on like, you know, the TV screens on by the concession stands like the little 19 inch prison TV'. Then look, we were like, we had like probably 10 rows from the fucking cage seats.
- [03:21]
A
Listen to me. Here's the way I look at it. Here's the way I look at it. And this is honest to God, my brother George, once a month, he has a dear friend, he's got box seats and they feed you, they bring you sushi cocktails. Okay, let's be honest with ourselves. Nine innings is not going to happen. Okay?
- [03:46]
B
Why not?
- [03:47]
A
Because I'm going to tell you what's going to happen. There's no if you told me. Listen, when you get there, the game starts at 7:15, but get there 6:45, they're going to have a light cocktail hour with sushi. Okay?
- [04:04]
B
Right.
- [04:05]
A
That's 45 minutes until the game starts. Then they're putting out something else. But then when you go in there, it's sandwich food, I don't care. It's nice brisket, it's a nice prime rib, whatever you like on a little sandwich just to keep people enthused. But if I walk down there in the first inning and there's crab legs, lobster tails, this spaghetti on a third inning, I'm uncomfortable. I'm sitting like a fucking. You know, and God forbid, if somebody scores four runs, there's no reason.
- [04:36]
B
Right, But I'm talking.
- [04:37]
A
There's no reason.
- [04:38]
B
I get that a little bit. But we were talking about ufc.
- [04:41]
A
It's the same shit.
- [04:42]
B
How?
- [04:43]
A
Because you want me to sit in the seat. In a very good seat, Right? We're in a very good seat, Right? Right. So now the fight ends. Everybody, whatever the retard, and now everybody's, like, waiting for who? Well, I don't need to wait for him to tell me. Look at the guy's eye. You need to know. Let's spin around and wait for the response.
- [05:05]
B
We watched when Bruce Buffer was screaming. We were already upstairs at the. They were closing the concession stands, and we were just stashing the TVs, because
- [05:15]
A
I want to get up there before anybody else does. Bro, you're not going to get out of there if you're in that level down below. I got caught there a couple times.
- [05:23]
B
Oh, I understood why you did it,
- [05:24]
A
but 35 fucking minutes. Mine. People farting? No, not tonight. So the last fight, I left them come out right. If you have DraftKings, you could bet right there, right? And right there. What do you. What do you. First of all, let's get something straight. When you're at a UFC fight, bro, you're gonna look at the fucking screen 65% of the time. Oh, of course.
- [05:50]
B
Yeah.
- [05:50]
A
Okay. The ring's right there. That could be right there punching each other to death. And you're gonna watch, but then they're gonna go to the other side of the ring, and there's gonna be a fucking bar with those strings blocking you so your neck goes right up. Okay?
- [06:03]
B
Oh, yeah.
- [06:04]
A
So I always said the best levels are the ones when Anderson Silva kicked that dude in the face and he broke his jaw and he went down. He already did acid that night.
- [06:13]
B
Oh, shit.
- [06:13]
A
And we sat in the middle, looking down, and it was exquisite, right? Exquisite. Like, I have a dear friend she wants to go to. And I told us to listen. They were like, 10 grand for those seats, and you got to be looking at a fucking screen. If I had the 10 grand, I go and sit out there like Johnny Boom beach, like Drake with the gold chains. You know, I don't need that in my life.
- [06:37]
B
Right.
- [06:37]
A
I'm very comfortable in my house. And who the fuck I am going to a UFC fight to show you. If Joe wants to take me, I go.
- [06:45]
B
Right?
- [06:46]
A
But I'm not waiting to the end. And in those days, that arena was connected to a hotel.
- [06:54]
B
Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You probably watched the ending on the TV in your room.
- [07:00]
A
You go upstairs. By the time you get to your room, and the winner is. And right away, you're rolling that number. I got 35 minutes for Rogan to get off the back. He's back there giving interviews. So ain't nobody. They were just walking around in circles, the other idiots. What are we gonna do? What time's Joe gonna come? Just go to your room, roll a joint, take a shit, wipe you, maybe bang one out. Get excited, get some hunger going. Because you're going to go to dinner. There's always a plan, man. Why be like everybody else? What does he say? Mitch Hedberg, be yourself, Turkey. I drew you.
- [07:37]
B
I never heard that one. That's funny.
- [07:39]
A
That's a brilliant Mitch Hedberg joke.
- [07:40]
B
Oh, my God. So you don't like. It's funny because you. You always.
- [07:45]
A
Oh, here it is. Here it is. Like, ever go to a supermarket, you see turkey, salami, turkey, ham, turkey soup, turkey, this, turkey, bologna, turkey, cheese, turkey. What's wrong with you? Just be yourself, little brother. I drew you. That's the fucking joke.
- [08:05]
B
That's a great joke.
- [08:06]
A
That's a classic Mitch Hedberg, but, you know, that's. I want to save on time. You know? What people don't know is when you go to a Dodger game, there's only one road out of there. Unless you jump off the fucking cliff. Yeah, that's one road out of there. And you got to sit there to the ninth inning. First of all, those people are not fans of anybody. They all have their $80 Dodger hats and they go blue. And listen, seventh inning, they're scared of Mexicans. Oh, yeah, they get. And they get there. Once that sun goes down, you see those heavy duty white people leaving. Fifth inning, they take off. By the time the. By the time it's the seventh inning stretch, seventh inning, it's all Mexicans out there, you know?
- [08:46]
B
Oh, yeah.
- [08:46]
A
Oh, say, the bleachers are fun, huh?
- [08:48]
B
The bleachers are fun.
- [08:49]
A
The bleachers, all that shit's fun. But nobody sits at a Dodger game. Now, that doesn't mean me. For me, I would leave a Dodger game because I like Dodger at night. It's the prettiest fucking stadium to sit down, watch a baseball, okay? You can talk all the shit you want about the Dodgers, the team. There's no nicer stadium in fucking April. Ralphie, may God rest his soul, took us to see Clemens 20ft away. We had to leave. We had to leave. He came in with an edible cake, a bag of edibles. We walked into right to the bottom. I mean, we were like three rows up. The sun was so hot, we had to leave we were melting, we were red. My legs were peached. My one arm because I kept moving back.
- [09:32]
B
How big were both of you guys at that point?
- [09:34]
A
Big in the fucking day.
- [09:36]
B
Game on, Edibles.
- [09:37]
A
Oh my God, that stadium is beautiful. But bro, if you leave at the ninth inning, you're dead. Yeah, you're dead first. You might get beat up by somebody. Remember that. The guy from San Francisco. They fucked him up and it's bumper to bumper till you hit like the 101. That's 40 minutes. So now because you wanted to watch the last two innings, I can't fucking do dick for another hour till I get home. That.
- [10:07]
B
Guys, what do you have to do?
- [10:08]
A
Huh? What do you.
- [10:09]
B
I was gonna say, like you always mess with George. He doesn't sit still, neither do you.
- [10:13]
A
What do you mean sit still?
- [10:15]
B
What do. You're just taught, you know, how you can't do stuff for another hour? What are you gonna do after a Dodger game?
- [10:19]
A
Okay, after a dodger game, it's 11:30 at night.
- [10:21]
B
Yeah.
- [10:21]
A
I want to go to sleep.
- [10:22]
B
Okay.
- [10:23]
A
I gotta get up early in the morning.
- [10:24]
B
Oh, I thought you had stuff to do.
- [10:26]
A
No, so now you're up at six in the morning with your dick in your hand. That's why. So sometimes you want to get home early so you get that extra fucking hour so you don't walk around or mopey the next fucking day.
- [10:38]
B
Yeah.
- [10:38]
A
Especially now I don't have the patience unless I bet something and it's a nail biter game that I got to stay like ninth inning, the fucking four, four World Series type shit. Then you stay like an idiot. Well, see, what happened, you're taking the day off the next day anyway, right?
- [10:56]
B
What about playoffs? So like if the Knicks and the Celtics play each other, I might have to. I might try to go to one of those.
- [11:01]
A
Good for you. What do I give a fuck?
- [11:03]
B
No, but when you go to a playoff game, like, is that different? Would you stay for that?
- [11:10]
A
I have a lot of vices, like we all do. We have a lot of vices. My vices are like health, stupidity and shit. So before I drop 800 for a ticket to see the Knicks, or 500 or 5,000 to sit.
- [11:27]
B
Is it going to be that much
- [11:28]
A
to sit with Fat Joe and make believe I'm somebody I'm not? You know, sit with, you know, the director, Spike and throw shoes and that's not what I want to do. And if I sit up top, I'll get tortured. Yeah.
- [11:42]
B
God damn it.
- [11:43]
A
If I sit in the Middle. I get tortured.
- [11:44]
B
I didn't think about the price.
- [11:46]
A
I get tortured.
- [11:46]
B
Yeah.
- [11:47]
A
I go in a bathroom at those sporting events. I got guys behind me, grown fucking men standing there while I'm fucking peeing. Are you Joey Diaz? No, no. I'm Muhammad Zambib. You know what I'm saying? The fuck is wrong with you, man?
- [12:02]
B
People ever talk to you with your dick in your hand?
- [12:04]
A
All the fucking time.
- [12:05]
B
No, they don't do that.
- [12:06]
A
I get hot. I get fucking hot. Let me give you an example. Let me give you an example. I don't know if you guys noticed. I didn't tell any of you guys. I started having problems breathing on Thursday night.
- [12:20]
B
Oh, Jesus.
- [12:20]
A
Dude. I went to the boxing gym, and I'm like, you know, the day they canceled the fucking surgery, it probably started Wednesday. I was having a hard time breathing. I thought it was the anxiety from the fucking surgery. But once they canceled the surgery, which we'll get to Friday, I didn't. You know, Mercy went to Hershey park to do two concerts. So it was just me and my wife. And I'm like, I'm not sitting in that fucking house with my wife in the basement watching. No. So I did what I had to do Friday. I didn't feel good. Oh, you're gonna love this story. I didn't feel good. Like, I went into. Oh, I went into Dick's Sporting Goods, and I had to leave. I couldn't keep it together in there. Like, I just had to walk out.
- [13:07]
B
You couldn't breathe.
- [13:07]
A
There's a guy in there who is second cousin, grew up in North Bergen with us. He played football. Good kid, Romano. He came over and he goes, joe, you okay? You know what? I ate? And I just don't feel good. And I did eat breakfast. I don't eat lately breakfast. I just eat half a jar of yogurt with blueberries, raspberries and blueberries.
- [13:29]
B
Oh, you would have hated yourself a few years ago.
- [13:31]
A
I know. I can't eat eggs, though.
- [13:33]
B
That's crazy. But what are you talking.
- [13:35]
A
What do you think?
- [13:36]
B
You didn't feel good?
- [13:37]
A
I was having a hard time breathing. All right? So now my wife has an idea. She goes, do you want to go see the Michael Jackson movie? I go, you know what? What time? She goes, 6:30. I ain't got the patience at 6:30. Let's go at 4:45. So we went to the 4:45. Didn't start till 5:15. Oh, I know the worst fucking things they put on me. There was only one movie I would go, watch out of the nine that they fucking showed.
- [14:04]
B
That's crazy.
- [14:05]
A
Horrible.
- [14:06]
B
It's half an hour. I haven't been in a while. I didn't know it was nine. It used to be, like 15 minutes, which is perfect.
- [14:11]
A
And then Nicole Kidman comes on and AMC. Oh, yeah. It's like 35 fucking minutes of the bullshit. But, you know, I was feeling a little fucked up. And if you're walking on ice, you might as well dance.
- [14:26]
B
No. Jesus.
- [14:26]
A
I took one of those 500 milligram ones. I got a bag of the blue ones, and I ate two fucking taffies. That's 700 just to get in the car. And I get outside and my wife's like, oh, no, you're driving. I'm like, fuck it, let's go. We shot to the movie, bro. When I get to, I pull up already. My wife's like, why are you parking crooked? I go, am I crooked? Really? I even. I was already three sheets to the wind, and I was still fucked up from Thursday. All right, let's get to Thursday in a minute. But Friday. But we parked where we usually parked. And when I walked into the theater door, I couldn't make it in. I had to stop and make believe when you guys called me. George. Hello? Hello. I couldn't even do that. I was breathing heavy. My wife goes, you okay? I go, you know what? This is the same thing tomorrow. Let's just go to the hospital. I won't take Vegas, and I'll just hold out for Atlantic City, August, because I have to push the surgery back. You know, they're not gonna let me have surgery. Congenial fucking heart failure. So, dog, I'm sitting in this Michael Jackson movie. And it was entertaining. We'll talk about that later. Important things to talk about now and shit. And I can't take it no more, dog. I gotta pee. And I get up and my wife got, like, close to the movie, the screen, but on the right side. There weren't a lot of people there. I mean, it was a better amount than any other movie I've gone to see there. There was a lot of people there. I mean, I think it did 37 million on fucking Friday. That's amazing. That's a fucking amazing. Like, that's their fucking sucking big black dicks in Hollywood right now. Yeah, they did great. They did. That movie. Did a lot more than 37 million. 200 million. Yeah. That has. You got to put a pirate or fucking or ATI or a Marvel comic. Yeah. So that.
- [16:23]
B
Those Are the only movies that work. But I don't. I want to talk. Yeah, keep going.
- [16:26]
A
I'm sitting there. I got a pee dog. I get up to pee. By the time I'm halfway there, I can't fucking breathe, guys. I got myself out of that movie theater by will. And I don't know, the. The. The embarrassment of falling down on the movie theater. By the time I got to the pisser, I just stood there for like 10 minutes and just pissed and tried to catch my breath. I'm like, that's it. I got to go to the hospital tomorrow. I had an anxiety attack like I never had before, man. I had to sit down.
- [16:57]
B
Why are you smiling?
- [16:58]
A
I took 700 milligrams. That's what did it. So I sat there. I must have missed 15 minutes of the movie. I was just sitting there like the fat chick at the prom. I was just waiting.
- [17:11]
B
You did. See, you told me part of this story, but you told me the funny part of this story. You just told me that you saw the movie and then you went up to pee and just didn't sit with your wife for the rest.
- [17:21]
A
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. I walked back in the movie theater. I looked down to see where my wife was, and there was a chair right there. And I sat right there. There was nobody around me. There was some kid in a handicap chair. You know, he had, like, the stool and the fucking donkey. He had the whole thing over there in the corner. I sat there and my wife. Are you okay? She kept texting me. I go, I'm right in the back of the theater. It's just not worth going down there because I don't know when this movie's going to end and wang on the boy. If I walk down there and he gives out one of those. He who I'm going to be bumma Be pissed like a motherfucker. I would be fucking furious. So I'm going to sit right here. And I'm waiting for him to see some molestation, but now they show that shit. Then he's showing the little boys running from his room and Michael. And Michael chasing him with a fucking monkey. So Thursday was the best, ladies and gentlemen, because I roll like this. This is my life on a daily fucking basis. You. Well, I'm sorry.
- [18:28]
B
No, I mean.
- [18:29]
A
Well, we just.
- [18:30]
B
We didn't finish. How you're feeling now. Or do you want to tell Thursday first?
- [18:36]
A
How am I feeling now? Right now? Today?
- [18:37]
B
Yeah. You just said at the movie. They're like, I gotta go to the hospital, tomorrow. Did you go to the hospital?
- [18:41]
A
No. I found those pills that my wife gave. The hospital gave it to us.
- [18:45]
B
They gave me prescription, okay?
- [18:46]
A
They were in my shaving cabinet. And it's the pills they give you when you have to drain water from your body.
- [18:53]
B
Okay?
- [18:53]
A
So my lungs are really congested. That's how I knew something wasn't. So I started taking those. Today's the third day, so. Yeah, today's the third.
- [19:03]
B
You feeling any better?
- [19:04]
A
You gotta pee like a racehorse. Everything comes out of you.
- [19:07]
B
Okay?
- [19:08]
A
I went to the gym today. I made it 45 minutes, so that made me feel a little better. And now again, I'm not all there. I need a little nap. I need another eight hour fucking night tonight, okay?
- [19:20]
B
Jesus Christ.
- [19:21]
A
We can be ready for the surgery. So.
- [19:22]
B
Yeah, what happened?
- [19:23]
A
Thursday, all right, so Thursday I get up right away. The surgery's at 10:30. I know it's gonna be a fucking problem.
- [19:29]
B
Why is that?
- [19:29]
A
That's like taking a 10:30 flight. I don't like it. I don't like it.
- [19:33]
B
I don't want the first surgery.
- [19:34]
A
Yeah, I want to be in there at seven. I want to get you fresh cup of cough. Maybe your wife sucked your dick. I want to catch. Maybe your husband ate your clip before you came down there. Everybody's happy. Everybody's singing songs, holding hands, Kumbaya. Now, 10:30. So now I got to sit there and suspense. Then they tell you that bullshit. You can't eat. Listen, what am I, Gandhi? I'm eating. Okay, stop. So I ate a little bit of yogurt, a little bit of fruit, and I went fucking down there because I knew it. They always do this to me. They made me go down at 10:30. They talked to me real quick. They put me in the back, they shaved my leg. They fucking connected me to electronics. They gave me a bunch of tests. They asked me more questions than I ever been. You know, I had to call my wife, she had to come. And then the lady gave her the questions. So now they're like, yeah, you're probably going to go in there about one. It's 12. And they come back now like, we're shooting some vitamins in you, some antibiotics in the iv. You know, I already had the IV in me from the time I got there. So they were just doing whatever they had to do. I was watching whatever, listening to music with the fucking phone. And all of a sudden they go, listen, we're about to give you your first block, which is the leg where they take the nerve and they shut it in your leg.
- [20:59]
B
I didn't know they did that.
- [21:00]
A
Okay, me neither. Yeah, they did it last time they did that to me when I first heard it a couple weeks ago. And then we're going to take you in there, dope you up even more and give you an epidural block. That's when they shoot you right in the spine and they numb you from the waist down. So even if I got a heart on, I ain't feeling it. You know what I'm saying? It's like a ghost. J O S T Ghost.
- [21:27]
B
And you got that or you were about to get that?
- [21:30]
A
I was about to get that. So they came, they gave me a bunch of pills, and one of the pills was oxycodone, 20 milligrams. I don't really do oxys. I only get them when I got pain. When I did my ear, the surgery, he gave me like fucking a jar of them. I eat them like two nights and then I give them away to my neighbor because I don't want those things around. That's why I'm worried about my fucking knee. I have to go back and make that Michael Jackson tea because they told me there's a certain RSO that kills pain.
- [22:02]
B
But you don't want to do any
- [22:03]
A
pills after fucking three or four days. Those pills turn you into a fucking zombie league.
- [22:07]
B
Really?
- [22:08]
A
You're a fucking zombie, okay? You can't shit, you know, if you take one of those, three or two of those, dog, next thing you know, you're backed up and you just feel fucking weird. Listen, am I gonna lie to you? That night in the hospital, I'm planning a big party. They give me everything. Morphine. Because they're taking the rod out of my leg and they're putting a new one in. So that means pain. Uncle Joey likes a lot of things. Lot of things, but not pain. I don't want fingers in my ass. I don't want nothing to go wrong.
- [22:46]
B
Can you have them do that to you when you're having surgery?
- [22:49]
A
I could, but I don't want that. How about when you get surgery? I'll have them see a little Jew asshole when the doctor puts a half a plunger in there. How you like that, you fuck?
- [23:00]
B
I don't like it, but that's asleep.
- [23:02]
A
With one of those yarmulke plunges, you
- [23:04]
B
know, it's on top. It's on top. Oh, my God. Then
- [23:11]
A
15 minutes after they give me the oxy and the other shit, the doctor comes on. I got bad news. Mr. Diaz. He's a great guy. He's a great guy. It wasn't his fault.
- [23:22]
B
Yeah, but that's a bad way to
- [23:23]
A
start that because I didn't feel good about the sanitization in the room. So I'm calling the plug. I got another spot next Thursday. You're more than welcome to get your surgery then. I didn't even say nothing. I just looked at the floor and I was like. Cause you cannot get mad anymore in today's society, guys. You cannot get injured. I'm angered and I'm gonna tell you why. Because customer service is to an all time low. I don't know what happened after Covid. They just hired people that never had work experience before. And you could see it when you go in and you sit there for an hour with no water and they're on the phone showing baby pictures to their fucking. Look at my grandson. Listen, I'm over here dying a fucking nursery, you know, I don't give a fuck about your ugly grandchildren. That's society. You ever go to CVS lately? The mongoloids they got in the front counters, they don't speak English. They don't know over here, over here. I wonder. Don't even go to the one on Edgewater Road. That's like little fucking Liberia. They got every. That's like Australia in 1890. They got every criminal in the world working on that scene. Everything's locked up. You can't even get gum. Oh, they gotta get fingerprint to get like fucking change and shit. Customer service is done, ladies and gentlemen. And wait till you get older and you start needing doctors and calling doctors. You're gonna see how fucked up. And then we got this poor guy. There was the. I don't talk politics, but I gotta talk about this shit. The correspondence dinner. And listen, the best thing that could have happened is somebody could have shot rfk. He's gotta be stopped. That poor bastard. How can he be on? Yeah, come on. You're supposed to be the health minister. You over here twitching. That's why I stopped doing coke, because I was getting those twitches. Oh, what the fuck is going on in the world? How can he be the health defense. Whatever the fuck he is, he's sitting there fucking. I can loosen his collar and shit. Come on, guys. Have we just fallen off the fucking face of the world here? What the fuck? I haven't been to that CVS by my house because the last time I used to go there and feed the cats.
- [25:53]
B
Oh, it's cvs. That's so sad.
- [25:55]
A
Yeah, they come out at night since I moved there, right? The Hindu, the skinny one. I love the dead. The one with the wig. He always makes me wait and he drives me fucking crazy. And he was like a salesman of the month. So he thought, how about you donate the dollar through kind son? No. How about to the. How to have causation?
- [26:13]
B
No.
- [26:14]
A
Would you like to mince? They're on sale. Listen, you fuck. Just ring up the nicotine gum and find me a coupon in that fucking. And then last time I went, they had something again. I don't want to say what it was, but it was something in the middle. It was a half man, half woman with a tattoo on her face. I'm like, this is not. And this is Route 9 at 8:30 at night. Like this is a scene from. You ever see the watch the original blob. The lighting when Steve McQueen goes to the Dude. The Dude's the barber, Mr. Bach Galup. And he's like, I cut her hair. And all of a sudden they're looking at the door. Just the way the lights hit. It's just like that.
- [26:55]
B
That's crazy.
- [26:57]
A
What?
- [26:58]
B
I've never heard anyone describe them as
- [27:00]
A
a half man, half woman before dog with blue eyes. And I thought it was the Rat 69 whatever his name is. 69 Takatashi, the rapper. What the is going on, people?
- [27:16]
B
And it is, it would like I've had a little bit of experience with. With going to the doctor over the last couple years and nurses and doctors. You know, it's probably annoying, but you're like, if he doesn't want to do it, let's fucking. Let's wait a week.
- [27:31]
A
I wasn't even a dog. The only person who exaggerated my wife, you know, they turned into a liberal. Why is this happening, Tyree? It's happening. It don't matter. But the funny story is I left and I got really hungry. I said, let's go to Crown Palace. I'm gonna tear into some shrimp and lobster sauce, bro. By the time I got the Tom Palace, I'm like, fuck, I'm fucked up. I'm like, oh, that oxycontin's fucking me up. I was scratching and shit. I got a little itch in my back. I must have scratched it for eight hours the other night. At the end I had the cat. I took the cat's paw and just used it.
- [28:10]
B
Oh my God.
- [28:12]
A
Fucking unreal. That unfucking real. And listen, man, guys, I went to the hospital today to the pre registration so they don't ask me creepy questions.
- [28:23]
B
Okay,
- [28:27]
A
for example, here's what happens. When I went to the hospital, they didn't have no antibacterial. They don't use antibacterial cream at the hospital I went to. I don't know if that's not. Lady goes, we use Vaseline. So she brought a little jar of Vaseline to my room and I put the Vaseline on my ear. When we left, we had a bunch of prescriptions we had to pick up. You know, we have insurance for the prescriptions. I mean, you know, whatever. There's some shit. There's one thing that's 6:30amonth I gotta pay for. Thank God I know my neighbor and she gets a coupon for me, they knock it down to like 69. That's a lot better than 631amonth. Especially when you're paying three GS a fucking month for insurance. That's the fucking going rate with a family today. So I run through it, you know, it was like eight prescriptions when you got out of the hospital, like $400. And the lady came with six little bags and this big bag. You're not going to believe this. You're never going to fucking believe this. You know what was in that big bag? Like a fucking Diddy type Vaseline. Like it was still the good stuff, the old label for what? For my ear. They tried to sell me a tub for $149 or some shit. And I'm like, I ain't taking that tub. And like. But what do you mean the doctor. Listen, I ain't the 149 fucking. I go to Dollar store and get hookers do it every fucking day. They ain't a hooker that cares about. They ain't a hooker that pays for that shit at Costco. Like that. That's. That's for somebody who takes it in the ass. Like in a house that. That's all that's allowed. Nobody has a pussy. It's just a gay home. And that's 10 people fucking a night for 10 fucking years. It's a tub of Vaseline. Anyway, the point of the story is every time you go to a hospital visit, that tacks onto your record. So every time you go to a certain doctor, they sit you down, they run you, are you still on this? Listen. And I tell them every time, do you see my wife here? If you don't see my wife here, knock it off. Don't even ask. Well, did you take siren test? I mean, it's like fucking What I tell you? If you want to talk to my wife, here, talk to her. Knock yourself out. She'll text you the medication. But if I'm not here, don't ask me about this shit. And every time you go, you hear my wife on the phone, no. Oh, Jesus, take that off. It's just bullshit they just keep tacking on. But the central doesn't tell the other ones what to erase. So every doctor you go to, you got to start from scratch. So the other day when the operator, me and my wife and my daughter, the doctor's like, I'm going to ask you some questions. And she's like, are you still on the Vaseline? And I'm like, no. And then she goes, are you still on Viagra? And I'm like, no. My wife goes, it was like three tablets five years ago. Then I got on the black market. The shit the Russians do, you know what I'm saying? I got the shit Puerto Ricans do. Fucking eight kids.
- [31:48]
B
Well, I. What? How much are you eating? Before, like, you started with that and we didn't even get to talk about it. You told them.
- [31:53]
A
They.
- [31:54]
B
They told you not to eat, and you still ate.
- [31:56]
A
Eat what you at.
- [31:57]
B
You said you ate yogurt dog.
- [31:58]
A
Listen, that's a control thing, all right?
- [32:03]
B
How do you know that?
- [32:04]
A
Things get so bad and I blow a little fart. It's just a little grape jelly and a little. Couple fucking granola bits.
- [32:10]
B
Worried about you.
- [32:10]
A
That's why I eat this much, Lee. It's a. It's a. It's a yogurt thing like this. I take half of it. I'm not a fucking animal. I just want some in my stomach because the surgeries, they tell you 10, 30, but I'm still sitting there at 1. I'm fucking dying at 1. And so would you. I know they're about to shoot you. They can only give you fucking water. And then you're going to wake up and they can give you ice cubes for a half hour, and the first they show up is with a fucking turkey sandwich that's drier than your asshole and fucking, you know, rye bread that's two days old. I need that in my life. So I want to prepare. I'm going down a deep tunnel. My body's about to get fucking opened up, and you want me to fucking go there? Starving. And listen, I know, Joey, you're a fat fuck. You got plenty of food in the senelitas, whatever the fuck you call it. The cellulitis.
- [33:06]
B
Sounds like a band yeah.
- [33:07]
A
Whatever the fuck it is.
- [33:09]
B
Oh, my God.
- [33:10]
A
But now I'm sensitive to that shit. I'm gonna take. You gotta assume I'm gonna take three or four big needles while I'm awake. All right? That alone, like I told my wife the other day, I go, people have no idea how much courage I have to muster to do this shit. Like, as I'm driving there, I'm like, I can just make a U turn. My wife will be mad at me for, like, two days, three days, tops. I don't. Because I know the responsibility of that. But If I was 20 years ago and this be day to day, like you see me. You did the surgery? Nah, I told him to go fuck himself. I don't want to do no surgery. I do it in about a year or two, and six months later, you're fucking crying. So that's why I'm doing the surgery. Because at first I was like, that's a sign from God. Maybe I'll shoot stem cells from fucking Egypt or a monkey's fucking foot or something like that. But then I go, this is a bone thing. It's a rod in a fucking bone. And when the lady shaved me, she goes, joey, I don't know if you can see you're bruised under there. So this thing's like, I told you guys, I don't think this thing will make it till Thursday. I'm telling you, every day is a little more. Today. I was doing deadlifts, and I'm like, why? Because I gotta get my body prepared for fucking war on Thursday.
- [34:28]
B
So I'll do top.
- [34:30]
A
I'm not a young man, I'm an old man, so I gotta be prepared. Testosterone, everything. The tb. I gotta be. Recovery mode. Fucking. I got the thing Thursday, and by Monday, they're gonna send a lady to my house on Saturday and Sunday to do physical therapy. Then Monday I'm gonna hyperbaric chamber and sitting there for an hour, just sitting there with some music on, a couple fucking oxies. Pink Floyd. Yeah, but breathe in the air.
- [35:00]
B
I want to get your doctor on the phone.
- [35:02]
A
What are you gonna tell the doctor? What's he gonna do? They can't stop it.
- [35:05]
B
I understand that working out, being healthy before the surgery is good, but, like, stuff that doesn't use the thing that's about to snap.
- [35:11]
A
What? Listen, if I was walking around, I wouldn't try to snap it. But as the saying goes, if you're walking on ice, you might as well dance. It snaps. You take me to the hospital, you come 10 minutes later, I got a IVs in me and I'm talking about Cuba, 1962. I was a young man. I don't know nothing. You know what I'm saying?
- [35:33]
B
Oh, my God.
- [35:35]
A
Yeah. It's all gonna work out, Lee. Why live if you're not. Listen, Lee, God damn it. That's the problem. Everybody plays. Is so fucking safe anymore. I'm already half dead. We're dead, Lee. George, we're half dead. You guys are still young. Me and this guy here, we got days. We got days. It could be 7,000 fucking days or it could be 10 days. One never knows. So why not? I'm going to die with an empty stomach like some fucking guy got arrested by ice. I got nothing in my stomach but fucking Ritz cracker. Go fuck. And then after they cancel the surgery, which they were very nice, if you notice. I haven't. This kind of shit happens. But the lady goes, you're hungry, right? She goes, I'll bring you some food. Two packages of saltine crackers, one blueberry muffin.
- [36:37]
B
Okay.
- [36:38]
A
And two things of apple juice. Nothing fit there. I have the crackers. What am I going to dip it into, right? Why did you send me crackers for? What is. I didn't even get surgery. If you're going to send me crackers, I better see some cream of broccoli soup something up in this bitch.
- [36:56]
B
Oh, my God.
- [36:57]
A
All right, let's take a little breather here. Well, I got to get up and pee. Lee's got to do his thing. We'll be right back. Want to talk to you about a couple things. Mother's Day, DraftKings and Blue Chew. Ha. We'll be back. Hey, what's happening, beautiful people? It's Uncle Joey. Listen, the NBA playoffs are here, and DraftKings Sportsbook, an official sports betting partner of the NBA, is bringing the heat to every game day. Only DraftKings Sportsbook keeps you in the action the entire game. Best player, props. Bet live, however you want to play. New DraftKing customers bet just $5 and get 100 in bonus bets instantly. Download the DraftKings sportsbook app. Use code JOEY J O E Y. So you're ready. And for the moment, again, that's code Joey J O E Y. Turn five bucks into 100 in bonus bets instantly. And in partnership with DraftKings, where the crown is yours. Gambling problem. Call 1-800-GAMBLER or 1-800-MY RESET NEW YORK.
- [38:06]
B
Call 877-8-HOPE and wire text.
- [38:08]
A
Hope and why Connecticut?
- [38:09]
B
Call 888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org on behalf of Boothill Casino in Kansas. Wager tax pass through may apply in Illinois, 21 and over in most states. Void in Ontario. Restrictions apply. Bet must win to receive bonus bets
- [38:21]
A
which expire in seven days.
- [38:22]
B
Minimum odds required for additional terms and responsible gaming resources. See sportsbook.draftkings.com promos Limited time offer.
- [38:28]
A
Hey, Uncle Joey here. Listen, I ain't got a mother, but Mother's day is Sunday, May 10th. There's still time to gather a nice gift with 1-800-flowers. Again, that's 1-800-flowers. Every bouquet is picked fresh, carefully packaged and backed by a freshness guarantee. Look, every year I go to 1-800-FLOWERS. My wife loves them. It's nice and easy. But right now, when you order one dozen roses, again, 1-800-Flowers will double your bouquet. What's that, Uncle Joey? That's right. You order one dozen roses and 1, 800 flowers will double your bouquet to two dozen roses for free. So if you got a wife and a girlfriend, everybody's happy. You know what I'm saying? That's twice the flowers for your mother or any other special person in your life. That little Mexican housekeeper you've been looking at. Anyway, Mother's day is Sunday, May 10, and bouquets are selling out fast. Trust me, you don't want to wait on this to claim your double roses offer before they're gone. And I'm talking about when you listen to this ad. Put the order in. Go to 1-800-flowers.com joey. J o e y. That's 1-800-flower f l o w e r s.com joey 100flowers.com joey and hey, Hope, for your mom or your wife or your girlfriend or the housekeeper, everybody has a happy Mother's Day. All right? Stay beautiful. Uncle Joey loves you. One in 100 flowers. Hey, Uncle Joe here. Listen, Bluechew Gold has helped millions of people have better sex. So it's time for you to check it out. And I'm not talking about regular sex. I'm talking about people flying through the air, 911 type stuff. You got the cape, you lit it on fire, all that. Anyway, Bluetooth Gold is a 4 in 1 tablet designed to increase blood flow and arousal. It dissolves under your tongue right now, and it gets you in the mood so you can be ready for action in as little as 15 minutes. Me, I like the Blue Chew. Why? Why do I like Blue Chew Gold? Because I'll tell you what. Usually when I make love to my wife, it just stops after like, three minutes. Like, the room blacks out, my dick dies, and we just sit there staring at each other. It's the most uncomfortable silence you've ever heard in your life. But anyway, now with the Blue Chew Gold, how you knock it out of the park. There's sperm everywhere. I'm ready to kill a motherfucker, you know what I'm saying? Discover your options@bluechew.com Again, discoveryoptionsluchew.com We got a special deal for church fans right now. When you buy two months of Blue Chew Gold, you're going to get a third month absolutely free with promo code Joey. Again, two months of Bluechew Gold. They're going to give you a third month for free with promo code Joey. J O e y. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. Listen, the summer's coming, all right? It's already May next week, and you're still dicking around. You got to get ready for the summer, and Bluechew Gold is going to help you sling dick. Listen, your dick's going to be so hard, there won't even be sharks in the water. You know what I'm saying? You want to thank the Bluechew, and I want to thank Bluechew for sponsoring the podcast. All jokes aside. All right, I love you. Have a great week. We're back, Jack. Anyway, I want to talk to you about something that happened this weekend, okay? This is one of the most exciting things that's ever happened to me in all my life, dog. I can't even describe it to you. The look on my face when I got it.
- [42:07]
B
What happened?
- [42:08]
A
Bigger than anything I don't care about. This is bigger than the Comedy Store for me. The birth of my daughter, all that's nonsense compared to what happened on Saturday.
- [42:18]
B
What happened?
- [42:19]
A
I got my handicapped parking sticker. I'm living like a fucking doctor. And, you know, they said it was six weeks if you send it in. I didn't catch my wife, she goes, bring it down to Freehold and they'll fucking do it. And then it's cheat less time. It was like I walked in, you're number 151. I sat down 151. Go to window number two. I went over, she looked at it, pop, pop, pop. You got your license, Pop. Okay, go back and sit down. We'll call you right back. And I thought it was gonna be like, some paperwork to say I received the receipt to Jose Diaz. Walked up there, it was the handicapped Dog, you should have seen me walking out of there. You thought I was Rick James after the Super Freak album. You know what I'm saying? Dog, I was so fucking happy. I just see myself cutting people off, going, like. That whole night, I was, like, fantasizing, like, all the scenarios and me, like, waving at people. Vote for me. And pulling right into a fucking handicap spot. Yeah. Oh, like, on the way up, Nick saw me. What happened was I was listening to a song. I think it was Def Leppard, Fucking stage fright. And I passed the block. And I'm like, is that the block? And I go, fuck, I passed it. So all of a sudden, the thing is like, you passed the block? You passed. Listen, shut the fuck up. Make a left. Like, I ain't making a left. And right. There's a right. It's coming down. You can go up that hill. I make the fucking right. I'm going up the hill. That's my block. I'm gonna go all the way around. Gas is 80 to fill my tank. You know what I'm saying? I got to drop 80 to fill the tank. Now I'm going to make a trip all around the block. I just pulled down that one rotor, as my man Fernie Basasuto said, and I made a U turn. Nobody saw nothing. You and George came walking out. He came. He's like, I saw you make that turn down the road. I go, no, Doug. That's why I've been doing it. I've been telling you, I do what the fuck I want. At this age, there's always an excuse. I got a pee I couldn't see. I got a shit. I got no diapers.
- [44:30]
B
But this thing only gives you parking privileges. Like this doesn't mean you can, like,
- [44:34]
A
go the wrong way down. Listen, it gives me everything, privilege. If there ain't no parking, that means I park on the grass, bitch, Right in front of the fucking joint.
- [44:42]
B
Oh, my God.
- [44:43]
A
You better have a handicap parking for Papa. This is when you pull up the valet and go, ready, get. Oh, fuck you. I got a handicap. You pull right in front of him, come out bopping. What?
- [44:54]
B
Oh, you don't have to do valet anymore.
- [44:58]
A
And forget about the damage I do at stadiums, you know what I'm saying? Right there was like, go, Jets. You're gonna eat a hot dog. Right there. The steps are right there. Put the neck brace on. You know what I'm saying? Cause you gotta add the neck brace for full effect.
- [45:17]
B
Please tell me you have an X brace.
- [45:19]
A
It's not just a Handicap sticker. If you're going to fucking sell it, you got to sell it. That means I got out of the car with a limp, like one of those little twitches like the janitors in my grammar school. That would. That little body would shake like a half a retard. Whatever the. I'm going to die.
- [45:45]
B
Oh, my God. Jesus, Joey.
- [45:47]
A
But I don't give a fuck anymore. It's imminent. And plus, it's not imminent. Listen, who wants to? You ever see somebody old? They're miserable. I don't want to die like that or even be close to that. I want to die giggling my ass off. Like. I went to the hospital today and the lady did me and my wife an orientation of the pain and everything. And the lady looks at me, she says, oh, by the way, to help you with your recovery, the pain, we're going to give you. Whatever the fuck you call those things. No, what's. Those things you put under your tongue, under your nose and breathe them. They have a name, like Afrin. What?
- [46:25]
B
Afrin Le Sprees.
- [46:26]
A
Go back to your coma. What's the coma? I wasn't in a coma. What's the name of that shit that you. Aerodynamics, Aerosomething, aromatherapy. Three fucking scholars here. Nobody knows aromatherapy, okay? One went to college, two years. Anyway, she gives me, like, lavender, and I'm giggling. She goes, what are you laughing? I'm like, listen, I'm gonna paint this fucking scenario for you, Joanne. What if. How is a lavender gonna fucking kill a bean? Going into my bone and resetting. Think about what you're telling me. It don't make sense. I got those at the house. They gave them to me last time I was in the hospital. I use them in the mornings when I wake up. I don't know if they're. If it's whatever, I don't use it.
- [47:10]
B
Do they help at all?
- [47:11]
A
Well, it smells better than my room, so I go with it. You know what I'm saying? All I smell in my room is cat and my feet. That's it. And the fungi. Toenail.
- [47:20]
B
Oh, my God.
- [47:21]
A
So, yeah, I got my handicap parking sticker. All scenarios in my life opened up again. So many were closed because of war. Listen, you get to an aide and then people tell you got to walk 10,000. No, I don't. No, I fucking don't. There's nowhere that says I got to walk, then that even the Egyptians didn't walk 10,000 miles a fucking day. 10,000 steps a fucking day. You know, I don't like, walking no more. I grew up walking, right? I walked everywhere. George, tell him how much I walked. I loved it. I love getting high, listening to the fucking music. Walking through Harlem. Walk Hudson County. I walked fucking like those two idiots, Will and Clark. They walked everywhere. The two brothers walked all through Oregon and shit. That was me. I got nothing to fucking walk for no more to get hit in the head. Now I want to listen to music. I can't even walk with the cars behind me, so I always walk facing cars even when I ride my bike. These people are bike lane. Fuck you. There's no bike lane for Uncle Joey. I ride against the traffic because I don't trust nobody behind me, dog. Why would you. You're on the cell phone. Your girlfriend texts you. That minute, boom, you clip me. I'm just going for a ride. You know what I'm saying? Or you're having an argument by your girlfriend to pick up tampons, Whatever the fuck you got to do. You look at the phone, oh, my God. Boom. And all of a sudden, you hit a chubby guy on the bike. And now I'm fucked up for fucking 18 weeks.
- [48:50]
B
Oh, my God.
- [48:51]
A
Yeah, so no mas. I don't need to walk anywhere, all right? I got my little handicap car. Wait till I bust out the truck like they gave us in Connecticut. I'm looking at different options now.
- [49:02]
B
Do you have a license plate, or do you have, like, the thing up top?
- [49:04]
A
I got the thing on top.
- [49:06]
B
Do you wait for people to, like, talk shit to you and then you whip it out?
- [49:09]
A
What?
- [49:09]
B
Like, do you have. Has anyone, like, accused you of not being able to park there? And then you whip it out like,
- [49:15]
A
they're like, no, I've only had it since Saturday. I'm only busted a couple people's balls. Look, when I go to the mall, in my house, I park wherever I want. All those restaurants have that pickup shit. Those spots are always empty. And there ain't a security guard out there. Why are you parking eight miles away? Oh, we couldn't find. There's eight spots right there. If they question, you said, oh, I thought that was the eating there. I'm eating. I just dropped a small 80 in there. I can't park there. Yeah, you go to fucking. You know, you go to the Cheesecake Factory, it ain't the small 30 no more. It's a small 80. And God forbid somebody gets a cocktail. God forbid. It's 80 for. I got the soup last time my wife got the soup. The cream of chicken to fucking die for. In that bitch. You know what I'm saying? Nice. When was the last time you had a joint? Nice. And they give you that brown pumpernickel with the really good butter, and you dip that pumpernickel with the butter into. Oh. Oh, fucking delicious. And I always got either the chicken Chinese salad, the Chinese chicken salad, which is just a salad with tangerines, you know what I'm saying? And fucking chicken and noodles.
- [50:31]
B
Those crispy noodles are good, though.
- [50:33]
A
Those crispy noodles are good. And my wife got something. Oh, she always gets the chicken pomodoro with mashed potatoes. Pretty good, too, because I ate the leftovers. Tip top, Magoo. But that's small. 90, 100 bucks. So if I want to pay 100 bucks, say, McDonald's, I'm getting a parking spot. Who said? I said. That's who fucking said. I can't walk. I'm half a limp.
- [50:59]
B
And do you get to keep it forever?
- [51:00]
A
Three years.
- [51:01]
B
Oh, shit.
- [51:03]
A
Come on, dog. My doctor was like, we'll do it for till the end of the year. Mind your business. How long can we do it? Three years. We'll do it. It's like that thing with the art couple when the cops are going to get busted. And he goes, how much would it. How much would it take? How much would it cost to take care of things? And the guy gives him a bribe and he goes, forever.
- [51:32]
B
Oh, that'd be great.
- [51:33]
A
What, a bribe?
- [51:34]
B
Yeah.
- [51:35]
A
Who are you gonna bribe? You don't even do nothing illegal. You wait for the light. You haven't ran across the street in 32 years. Yeah, you wait for a little guy to come on. Nobody lives in excitement no more. Do some edibles, run across the street against the light, then you impress me. Any idiot can wait. I'm 63. I gotta wait for the light.
- [51:54]
B
New York, huh? No one waits for the light.
- [51:56]
A
No, because there's no cars coming. I'm talking when there's action. You fucking. What do you mean? 10 seconds to go. I'm making this bitch and you fucking run across the street. That's what living is about, Lee. You gotta take a chance from time to time. You gotta take a ride on the Titanic. You know what I'm saying?
- [52:14]
B
None of that makes sense. You have like a 15 seconds to wait. You're gonna hit by a fucking car.
- [52:25]
A
It was an interesting week. Now my surgery is this fucking Thursday. So it pushes it back, you know? Listen, recovery's recovery. I can't challenge time. I was stressed and I gotta do this. I gotta do dick All I gotta do is be in Atlantic City August 7th. Not to get no planes for that. Nothing like that. I might go to Austin to tune up, maybe do a couple shows in Brooklyn. But the first thing I gotta do is heal. There's no stitches. They put that crazy glue in there. The new and improved. The shit the Germans used in Auschwitz, you know, they fucking. They got that new.
- [52:59]
B
They still use that.
- [53:00]
A
You could take showers now. Thank God, because before you have to wrap your leg with the skin.
- [53:05]
B
We didn't listen to them either.
- [53:06]
A
Nothing now. Like, I'm gonna have a fucking scar. I'm gonna be home for a couple weeks. They're gonna come over, do some massages. Some Indian women, I don't know what they are. They come over, they do a little physical therapy, and I pray for the best guys. That's all you can fucking do with these things. I'm prepared. I'm a lot better when I had the surgery last time. Mentally, physically, spiritually.
- [53:33]
B
How long do they think it's going to be for you to recover?
- [53:38]
A
It's going to be six to eight weeks. That puts me at the end of May to be able to. That puts me at the end of
- [53:48]
B
June, G. And what does that mean? Like, you can walk without any help?
- [53:53]
A
I think I got like, three weeks with the fucking cane. The other thing, I'm getting a cane with a knife on the bottom. You know what I'm saying?
- [54:00]
B
Oh, shit.
- [54:01]
A
Like those Chinese canes.
- [54:02]
B
Oh, yeah. I'm gonna get stabbed for sure.
- [54:04]
A
I gotta get Becky to start cooking, call one of her cousins in fucking Hong Kong.
- [54:10]
B
Oh, my God.
- [54:10]
A
Yeah. So listen, man, the last time, five weeks later, I thought I could get on stage. No, you can't. That was my biggest mistake. Can't be on that leg for 45 minutes. It was just. I think about it now, and I just want to punch myself in the face. But God knows where my head was back then when I first moved. So now I'm not in a rush. We do the podcast. If you guys got to come down one week, we'll set that motherfucker on fire. You know what I'm saying? Reefer bong. We get your hotel down there, too, so you don't have to drive. The Chinese lady misses you anyway.
- [54:46]
B
No, she doesn't.
- [54:47]
A
I want to know. I want to know. About two weeks ago, she goes where? Lee. I miss Lee. Bring pizza, but. Yeah, that's all, bro. You know, that's the problem you have with mostly everything. You hurt your leg or you hurt the shoulder. Whatever. During recovery or when you go to the gym. That's why I'm only going to the gym with somebody to say, hey, it's over. So I got PT twice a week, then the gym once a week. Then I could whenever I could stand, which again, if I do that, I'm gonna hurt my leg and go boxing. There's no boxing whatsoever. I just looked it up. So I can't box. I could do the hyperbarimic chain. I could do the peptides to help me heal. I could eat, I could sleep. You know, I'm gonna have to take like an extra. We still have buma around here, so the probiotic. But with those oxycodones, you're gonna be fucking plugged up, Jack. So I gotta get like a stool softener and a screwdriver. Ah, show up your ass and loosen it. You got like a little piece of poo poo in your muffler. And you got to stick your finger in there and move it around a little bit. Your finger comes out brown. You have that brown shit under your finger for like a week until you figure out you gotta cut the. You gotta cut the nail. Yeah, cut the nail. You put the nail next to something. Like a week later, it still smells like shit. It's tremendous. Like a little stick bomb just for shot.
- [56:21]
B
But now you're gonna have a little. A fucking screwdriver in the bathroom.
- [56:26]
A
Well, I had a. Listen, I did a storyteller show one time at the Comedy Store. And there was a young man who went on stage. Very well known act. I'm just not. They weren't there. Fuck. They don't need to know who it is. Jersey boy. And he went on stage and he told a story about getting hurt and eating pain pills. And he got so backed up, he put a spoon up his ass. And he was on the phone with the nurse at the same time. And she's like, what are you doing? He's like, I got a little. No, it was a nail clipper. The other end of the nail clipper, the thing that you turn around to clip it was that. Because you gotta lose some. One piece sometimes and the rest of it just comes out like. You know, it's like Jed struck a millionaire. You know what I'm saying? It's like Beverly Hills bellies.
- [57:11]
B
Oh, my God.
- [57:12]
A
How was your weekend last weekend? Where'd you work?
- [57:14]
B
I was in Greenville, South Carolina, with Jessame Peluso. It was fun. It was. I had a really fun stretch of being on the road pretty much every Week since, like, February. And it was all great, and I was feeling pretty confident, and this. Everyone had a great time. I took. There was a lot of podcast people there, and I was. I was very happy you were there, but it was just a strange feeling from going from, like, the rhyme and having a very good set and then going with, like, the same material. And it just. Like. They were very polite, but they were quiet. And it was. There was a fun weekend, but it was a very. Like, I. I had a totally. I had, like. We only did three shows, and I. So I had to re. I had three completely different shows, basically just trying everything I had. Just like, what.
- [58:10]
A
What.
- [58:10]
B
What would work now was like. And I. It wasn't. It wasn't them. It was me. But it was just an interesting end
- [58:17]
A
to a run on those weekends. Lee, I liked first. I mean, you were there for the San Francisco run, where I bombed four shows, and then I destroyed the last one. I mean, I took it to a different level because I went and went for my comedy. I just went out there and talked to him. Not working. What do you want me to tell you, bro? It's not working. Every once in a while, airplanes, they break. You put some crazy glue on it. It works. This particular time, it ain't working. So instead of beating yourself up and putting yourself in the dumps, just talk to them. Hold back. In fact, even pull out a chair. You guys want to be slow? I'll be slow. And get to that level. Remember, you're a Jew. You go to these towns, they see, like, three Jews a year in Greenville, South Carolina. You know what I'm saying?
- [59:12]
B
No. And the shows got better. The last show, I did fine. It wasn't my best show, but it was the most consistent. But it was just an. Yeah, it was. I don't know. I haven't had one of those in a while.
- [59:28]
A
You know, I got very jealous at time of people who could do certain things, because I know deep down inside, I'm just a fucking moron. Like, if I didn't have comedy, I don't. I'd be working at Subway. I'd be working at Subway telling stupid stories to the young kids and trying to sell them oregano for 10 bucks. And, you know, but, yeah, I can't fix the refrigerator. I can't. You know, I could do math. I cook a little bit. You know, I can mow a lawn, if you ask me. I help my wife shovel. I push the fucking guzzer. And sometimes I switch with her, you know, I do all that type of shit. I could paint, but the fucking thing went away. Like I like painting. When you get high, you put the borders up first and then you mix the paint. Then you rip them off and you re tape it. And then you paint. There's a system. I'm one of those anal motherfuckers and I like enjoy doing that. But I can't do what my wife does. The fucking dryer breaks. She's in there with a light and fucking. You hear shit. And two minutes later, the dryer works. The washing machine? No, the fucking dishwasher. Once a month there's something with the wish. I don't know what she does. She's got wrenches. I go in there, she's spinning it around like the fucking on a ship. I don't fucking know. But I get there and I feel bad. But then I'm going to tell you this, where I'm going with this. And then you do a show with me or anybody else at a Ryman theater or any other prestigious theater or just a fucking theater. And you destroy Lee. And you get on a plane and you fly to another city. And with the same set list, you feel so lucky. Now from that set list you're going to use this set you just destroyed, man. To an audience that's not really yours, you just destroyed. And now you go to that town and that same set list gets three. So while you know how to fix a speaker and you know how to frame a picture, and I can't do any of that. I know how to think. Because that's what you think about. That is your puzzle. You're an engineer of what the fuck just happened before you throw your beer away and kick the wall. I don't know what just happened. I destroyed the other night in California. Come here to bum fuck Jersey and I fucking eat a bag of dickson. Happens all the time. Your britches get too big. There's 11 things that could have happened. But over the years I realized it's just, you know what? It's the next set and that's it. And if they start giving you that shit for 30 minutes, Lee, why fucking lower yourself and start doing knock knock Joes? Sit down. Tell them what it is to grow up being a Jew. That's it from the start. And right from there, fucking jokes will start coming out you never even thought you had because you got 60 people. You got 120 eyeballs looking at you. That's pressure. And that's what we could do that a lot of people can't do so when you could figure out a computer. And I get jealous, fucking Lee. Those are the fixed computers and shit. I don't know nothing about that shit. I tried to set my fucking game on the other night. I could put the game on, but I couldn't pick the story. I couldn't put Twitch on, dog. You could sit there with me for eight days straight and I will call you the ninth day and go, doug, what did you just do before when you were here, you're like, joey, we wrote it down. We put magic markers on the thing. How did you end up on fucking Grant? How did you end up on Call of Duty? I'm one of those guys, but I know this since I'm in pants. I know that any car I buy is gonna get a right hand dent from the bottom. That's since I was a kid. I can't see out of my right eye. I always cut a little close, you know what I'm saying? That's why whenever I make a right and I see those people waiting on the corner, I'm like, that's taking on your end. I don't know. Look at Lee. Lee don't know what fucking planet he's on again. And it's getting worse by the minute, you know what I'm saying? I like it, Lee, but that's what comedy is. That's why we get paid, because we got to figure out what the fuck happened. And then you shrug it off, right? You're like, ah, I'll get them Wednesday night and shit. You pull a George, you put Prince on, you dance during your set, you rightly put. You shine your shoes, and guess what happens? You bomb even worse the night before. Now you come back, you're looking for a hangar, you're looking for a rope, you know, and you're like, wait a second. And that kind of shit happens all the time. When does it happen in sports? I saw it one year so easily. The Giants won the super bowl and they lost the first game of the next season. I fucking bet against that second game and they lost again. Who would have thought the world champion Giants would have lost the first two games of the opening season? You follow me? So I've seen it before. It's just the way it is sometimes. Some people take it. Me and you go back and we go back to the notebook. We write the set down, we write what we figured we're going to be honest in that paper. That's God you're talking to. God you're talking to you. That Notebook that you rate your sets. That's. God. If you tell them. If you tell the notebook you destroyed, you're a fucking piece of shit. Because only you're be honest with that piece of paper and go, Saturday at the ryman, I ate a bag of dicks. I didn't like how this went. I had a negative review for myself about the ryman. Really? I always do. Yeah, something. It could have been a little bit better. Of course, it could always be a little bit fucking better. There's always got. We're not. Jesus. We're not perfect. I don't know.
- [65:50]
B
No, no, of course. Yeah. I thought you meant. You said the whole thing was bad. You're saying you had, like one or two things.
- [65:54]
A
A couple things. I messed up the wording.
- [65:56]
B
Right.
- [65:56]
A
I was going for something else. And you know what? It happens, of course, if you think I'm gonna beat. I beat myself up enough 25 years ago in an apartment downstairs with fucking no money, no shower, you know, all that shit. Yeah, it was a standing shower with, like, an old payphone. They took the payphone out and turned it into a shower and put curtains around it. You think I'm fucking kidding you? You went in there, it was made of tin. Like, it was ding, ding, ding. So, yeah, it's. This is. This is what being a comedian is. It's figuring out your next move. And then after a while when you start moving up, you gotta start figuring out the next three moves. Like, how am I gonna blow up? Okay, I'm gonna do a weekend at Caroline's. I know Caroline's is closed. I'm just using. I'm gonna do a week in the Carolines. Hopefully that commercial gets released within a week. You ever see when you haven't seen somebody in a year and all of a sudden you see three things? They're in. You're like, what the fuck just happened? That's how they time that shit. Those big stars time it perfectly. They time it around their fucking schedule. But I'm talking about like. Like, for me, it's always been when I need it. The movie got released. Even if the movie didn't do well, you still. You're out there. And if the commercials on tv, you're out there. It doesn't matter if they seen the movie or not. They saw you in the fucking trailer. Who gives a fuck? That happens all the time. But everything needs to get put together. A YouTube set, this, that. And that's when you. Now you're using three different superpowers. But we'll get to that in chapter three. You know what I'm saying?
- [67:40]
B
I love it.
- [67:41]
A
Look how fucking high you are. Oh, yeah. How did this happen? Did you eat a little bit?
- [67:47]
B
Yeah.
- [67:47]
A
You didn't even know a little bit. You had, like, four dishes.
- [67:49]
B
Yeah, I had some.
- [67:51]
A
You know the only Jew that eats clams?
- [67:53]
B
No, no, I.
- [67:54]
A
Most Jews only eat shrimp. This motherfucker was killing everything in there. No, I own shrimp. And garlic. The bread that. Shrimp and garlic.
- [68:01]
B
Yeah, that was good.
- [68:02]
A
From fucking. Oh, my God. Have you ever got a chance to sell. What's the name of the place? Tapas on 76th street and Bergen Line Avenue. The fucking. I was going to get paella Friday with my brother, Chris D. Lorenzo, and I go, it's not happening in South Amboy. This is different. But it was the same chain. There's one by my house, and there's one in South Amboy. He was like, that one's a little better. Not like this. Paella tonight. Not like anything like that. What do you got coming up?
- [68:31]
B
Nothing. This weekend, my thing. I had something in Hoboken, but got canceled. So I'll be in the city this week.
- [68:36]
A
Well, that's the club that shut down because, I don't know. I applaud you guys more than ever.
- [68:53]
B
I don't even know what he's about to say something.
- [68:55]
A
No, no, I'm not saying you. I'm saying that this week you went and did a show, and the show got canceled Friday. And for some people, that's nothing. That's the salary, and they don't give you that fucking yardstick. A yard and a half. Or. Or the small 50. Or the big 50. Yeah. Because if they give you a small hundred, It's a big 50. So, you know, when shit like that happens, that's like, I. I needed that money. Am I going to starve? No, but this was going to the plane ticket or whatever the fuck it was, you know. Now they cancel another show. Are you on? You said, yeah.
- [69:34]
B
And somewhere in Jersey on Thursday.
- [69:36]
A
So they canceled this show or they closed the club?
- [69:38]
B
I think both.
- [69:40]
A
You put the kaput on that one.
- [69:42]
B
I didn't put the.
- [69:44]
A
They put your picture on the fly, the place goes under.
- [69:49]
B
Oh, my God.
- [69:52]
A
Remind me not to open up a comedy club and headline you.
- [69:55]
B
Thank you for saying that.
- [69:56]
A
Nah, I was just teasing you. Shit like that. But see, that's what I'm talking about. Like I told you that my dear friend Lisa Messina said she watched the podcast with Natalie Cuomo and she goes, you know, it Was weird how you were looking at her. You're looking at her like you were smitten over. And I go, no, she's 26 fucking years old. I'm not smitten over her. I'm smitten about what she does. The kid weighs 90 pounds. Every time they tell me they're going into the city, I think, the movie with Charles Bronson, Death Wish, and people around corners. She's a little petite thing. You grab her by the throat and have your way with that little girl. And I love her to death, but I look at her, I look at Allie, I look at Becky Z. Sticky Fingers. I look at all these fucking young women and what they have to do now, how they have to act. And they don't get paid. They don't do nothing. You're the same thing. You're over there banging out every night. They cancel the show. You don't get a free fucking meal. They'll still charge you 50% for the onion rings, you know, so it's like if you. When I was working, yeah, they were giving me 400 to 500 for five or six shows, but they gave me a hotel. Guys. These guys ain't getting hotels no more as a feature.
- [71:19]
B
This was the first club that did, actually. But the club was great.
- [71:23]
A
This.
- [71:24]
B
The club actually gave me a hotel.
- [71:25]
A
This hotel.
- [71:26]
B
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [71:27]
A
But the hotel was also 42.95. Right or wrong? No, it was a nice hotel. No, I didn't say it's not a cheap hotel. No, no. Remember, like. It's like when you go to a fucking Four Seasons in New York City, you're paying for fucking tariffs. You know what I'm saying? You're paying 1,500 a night after, plus. Plus, if you go to that same Four Seasons in Omaha, Nebraska, it might be half that. That's what I was saying to you, brother. I was insulting you.
- [71:58]
B
No, no, no, no, no. I know.
- [71:59]
A
So you know, our Hyatt regency here is 3.49a night by the airport. But if I go to Greenville, South Carolina, it's really nice, and it's 129. And you're like, what? Room service is shit. 129. They turn up your bed and give you a piece of chocolate at night. That's how to do it. Last time somebody turned me down and gave a piece of chocolate was in Venezuela and shit. You know what I'm saying? And they called me monsieur at the end of that shit. So. Yeah, but that's. It happens. They're not giving Features. That means if I took a feature on the road, I'm covering the hotel, you know? And I don't give a fuck because I get it. I end the. How many hotels do people cover for fucking me, okay? And I didn't stay at no motel 6. They put me in nice hotels. And the club was giving him like $62 a night, and he was banging out 300 on his own to me. So I get it. The shit runs downhill. Remember that episode when the kid didn't want to pay Moltisanti, didn't want to pay the tab? And he went to yell at Tony, and Tony goes, what are you talking about? You know how many tabs I had to pick up? Thousands. One day, when you're there, this is how you treat the people under you. For us, it's the people under you. I could go eat a nice steak and send you motherfuckers to shake and bake with a straight face, but what type of man would I be? Come on. I want this to be a family thing. When we do our shows, I want it to be like Duck Dynasty at the end. They all get together and say prayers and shit like that. Same thing. I don't want us to just be four fucking comedians hauling luggage. And I'm doing what I'm doing, you know? I don't like going on the daytime a lot. I like when there's a hotel, a nice restaurant by the hotel. We could walk to something. But I'm not going into fucking Broadway in the daytime. They'll kill me. Yeah, they'll kill me down there. They got drugs down there. I just saw it on fucking. The drug show. What's that fix up? It just had Nashville on. I watched it the other night at 11:30 at night for a little. It's one of those shows about drugs, undercover drugs. And this one was Nashville, where they make hooch and they make meth. And the guy was shaking the meth and he's like, man, my cousin blew his eyeball out in his hand. And this guy's over there giving a fucking. They're shaking with gasoline or something. But no, you know, So I have my. I don't mind going close. I like going to somewhere, eat close. But when we go out, we're a fucking family on the road, you know, we eat together, we giggle, we drink some water. One of yous always gets a cocktail, whatever the fuck. But that's what makes the comedy show that much better. Because we each got each other's back. Not everybody knows that. So it's not like we go from the hotel room to in the back of a mobile gas station, right to the show. And the guy's got fried chicken wings that look like it was in order in the afternoon and nobody ate them because they were so bad. So he just reheated them. Let's give them to the comics. Give it to the comics. And Lee comes, oh, these wings are great. And you're eating fucking catnip and foo foo pads and God knows what else. Fuck it. Just crazy shit, man. So I can't imagine. I cannot. I cannot imagine what it's like to fucking be a feature act now, but I applaud you guys with all my heart. It gets better or it gets worse, but not really. It gets better and you hope for something to break or shift, but in the meantime, you just keep laying the work down and everything will fall into place. You agree with me or not?
- [75:52]
B
I hope so, yeah.
- [75:53]
A
I mean, you hope so? What do you mean you hope so? You gotta say, fuck yeah, Joey. That's what works, motherfucker. I'm a Jew. I'm gonna make this work. Out of respect. You're not. All right, Delan Lee. So what, you have any dates coming up? Nothing.
- [76:07]
B
I have a bunch. Yeah. I'm gonna be in Charlotte. I'm gonna be with Josh Wolf. I'm going to be headlining in Foxborough. I'm going to be headlining back in at Uncle Vinny's. I'll be at Size Splitters. I have a lot coming up. I'm just the next you like doing with a week of some I don't
- [76:23]
A
have this to New Year's gig yet.
- [76:25]
B
Not yet.
- [76:26]
A
Once you put one together. Lee's House of Fun and Frolic, right in midtown Manhattan. Get some firecrackers, hire two chicks to dance, you know, have a good time. Give out some roofies. I don't fucking know. But that's the only way you're gonna get your name on the fucking gazebo.
- [76:44]
B
I don't want my name on the gazebo for giving out roofies.
- [76:46]
A
No, no, but you always focus on the dumb shit, that's all.
- [76:50]
B
Dumb shit.
- [76:50]
A
What are you giving out roofies? It's going to be a New Year's extravaganza and you're going to build your name like that. If you give out roofies and people take them, it's not on you. Remember putting a roofie in somebody's soda and giving somebody a roofie for here. Take it on your own risk. Two different situations. Nobody's Going to jail. If I put it in your soda, then I'm a fucking creep. But if I hand it to you and go, doug, this is a roofie. Do what you need to do. Jack me, I'd pop it because I want to see where it takes me. That's the type of motherfucker I am. I used to pop those all the time by myself. Drink a couple cocktails like nothing. Oh, my God, like nothing. You just can't jerk off because your dick is dead. So that's what happens with the roof feature. You all right, Lee?
- [77:37]
B
No.
- [77:37]
A
You're getting convulsions and shit. Anyway, I got no dates right now. All we got is August 7th and 8th at Ocean's Casino in Atlantic City. Jack, rocking and rolling. Get a room for two nights. Freaks, bitches. People taking in the muffler, the whole fucking thing. You know what I'm saying? Look at the shape of poor fucking Lee on another Monday night. 100 milligrams, that was. And those are My mouth. The edible. See, you're not in training. When you're on your own, you keep eating those 25s. You got to build up your tolerance because the war is just going to come abroad. The war. Oh, yeah, it's coming. This ain't stopping. Still.
- [78:25]
B
I heard them giving out edibles in war.
- [78:27]
A
Yeah, they don't want to open up the. The Lake of Gazabu, whatever the it is. I pay $80 for a tank of gas now. It's over. All right. You all right? I'm good. We'll call 91 1. Remember the last time you were like this? I take you to the hospital and bring you back. Things happen. You're gonna have mouth to mouth from George. Perfect. I'm fine. I love you guys. Have a great week. Listen, I'm having the surgery Thursday. I don't know what's gonna happen. All I know is I'm gonna try the best I can to do one next Monday. We'll figure it the out. Even if it's a zoom from Zoomville, it don't matter. I love you. Stay black. Have a great week.