I'll be back, Jack!

Summary

Podcast Summary: "I'll be back, Jack!"

Episode Details:

• Title: I'll be back, Jack!
• Host: Joey Coco Diaz
• Co-Host: Lee Syatt
• Release Date: September 24, 2024
• Description: Joey Diaz, a comedian, actor, and New York Times Bestselling author, joins Lee Syatt live from NYC. They delve into life, comedy, and a myriad of entertaining topics each week.

---

1. Opening Banter: Dogs, Teslas, and Everyday Frustrations

The episode kicks off with Joey Diaz humorously venting about "skadoodle dogs," particularly those with fluffy, unkempt hair, and his disdain for Tesla cars.

• Joey Diaz [00:00]: "What are you gonna end up with? A white chick with a skadoodle dog? One of those ugly dogs. That's the ugliest dog ever made, you know that?"

• Lee Syatt [00:39]: "Can you think? What? You've said that like eight times. What does skadoodle dog?"

Joey elaborates on his feelings towards such dogs and Tesla vehicles, mocking their expense and functionality.

• Joey Diaz [01:09]: "Not in a million years. Those people can't drive. The battery's $30,000. Where's the bargain?"

2. Transition Back to the Show: Recent Performances and Personal Updates

After a brief advertisement break, the hosts return to discuss their recent activities, focusing on Joey's latest stand-up performance.

• Joey Diaz [04:07]: "Last Wednesday night at the dojo was a great show. We had great sets. Great to be back on State."

Lee probes deeper into what made this particular set special.

• Lee Syatt [05:00]: "What was it about that one that was different than, like, the other sets?"

Joey reflects on his hiatus from performing and emphasizes the importance of presenting authentic material.

• Joey Diaz [05:03]: "The audience is too smart today. There's too much comedy and there's too much entertainment to go out there with a B game."

3. The Art of Comedy: Authenticity and Preparation

The conversation shifts to the nuances of stand-up comedy, with Joey stressing the need for comedians to bring their best game to the stage.

• Joey Diaz [06:03]: "If you're going out there, you gotta go out there with three guns."

Lee shares his own experiences with performing at the dojo, highlighting the energy and excitement of the venue.

• Lee Syatt [07:26]: "I had a couple of... I just sort of riff. I'm not really a riff person, but it was just, like, the energy in there is just so fun."

Joey agrees, emphasizing that the best performances come when comedians are relaxed and in tune with their material.

• Joey Diaz [08:03]: "The best productivity, the best material, the best performance. We do as hard is when we're at so relaxed."

4. Living in New York City: Adaptation and Experiences

Lee shares his initial impressions after moving to NYC, discussing both the positive aspects and the pressures of the bustling city.

• Lee Syatt [08:59]: "I love. I couldn't love it anymore. I've always wanted to live here. I'm so happy to be here."

Joey reminisces about his previous stint in California and his change of heart about the city.

• Joey Diaz [09:56]: "Now you come here. And I'm sure... I gotta eat my words. But hey, at least I'm honest enough to fucking say that."

5. Culinary Adventures: Exploring NYC's Food Scene

The hosts delve into their gastronomic experiences, particularly focusing on Cuban and Chinese cuisines.

• Joey Diaz [10:27]: Discusses attending a friend's weight loss seminar and his subsequent adventures in food, including tuna sandwiches and Chinese dishes.

• Lee Syatt [13:30]: "I hate that. Like when they make a parking space that's not a parking space. That drives me nuts."

Their conversation humorously touches on the quirks of NYC's food establishments and the unique characters they encounter.

6. Public Transportation Woes: Rats and Quirky Incidents

A significant portion of the discussion revolves around the challenges of navigating NYC's public transportation, highlighting encounters with rats and other unsettling experiences.

• Joey Diaz [50:01]: "They breathe hot air on you, so they can bite you."

• Lee Syatt [53:18]: "I don't think they... putting stuff over your sinks and your toilet when you leave, in case comes up."

They share anecdotes about aggressive rats in the subway and the overall unpredictability of NYC's transit system.

7. Comedy and Improvisation: Balancing Act

The hosts explore the relationship between stand-up comedy and improvisational theater, discussing the skills required to excel in both.

• Joey Diaz [35:32]: "Acting class will make you understand your material and you're an actor already."

• Lee Syatt [37:22]: "I do think... it would help with crowd interaction, just being quicker on your feet."

Joey reflects on his past experiences with improv and how it influenced his comedic style.

8. Memorable Public Encounters: Humor Amidst Chaos

Joey recounts bizarre and humorous incidents he's witnessed in public spaces, such as a man ostentatiously brushing his pubic hair in broad daylight.

• Joey Diaz [55:50]: "He was combing the hair around it, like humming like Whistler at the same time."

Lee shares a related experience from his travels, emphasizing the unpredictability of public behavior.

9. Closing Remarks: Upcoming Performances and Final Thoughts

As the episode wraps up, Lee mentions his upcoming performances in Winnipeg and Connecticut, while Joey offers humorous advice on managing their comedic endeavors.

• Lee Syatt [58:16]: "I'm leaving... You're in New York City now."

• Joey Diaz [58:37]: "Seven grams of mushrooms. I wish you a lot of luck. It's going to be a good weekend."

Joey encourages Lee to embrace his experiences and hints at future discussions.

---

Key Takeaways:

• Authenticity in Comedy: Joey emphasizes the importance of staying true to oneself and delivering genuine material to engage a smart and discerning audience.

• Adapting to NYC: Both hosts navigate the complexities of living in New York City, from its vibrant food scene to the challenges of its public transportation system.

• Balancing Life and Comedy: The hosts discuss how personal experiences and genuine interactions contribute to their comedic narratives, highlighting the delicate balance between life and performing.

• Public Anecdotes: Through humorous anecdotes, Joey and Lee shed light on the eccentricities of urban life, making listeners both laugh and relate to their shared experiences.

---

Notable Quotes:

1. On Authentic Comedy:

   • Joey Diaz [05:03]: "The audience is too smart today. There's too much comedy and there's too much entertainment to go out there with a B game."

2. On Relaxation and Performance:

   • Joey Diaz [08:03]: "The best productivity, the best material, the best performance. We do as hard is when we're at so relaxed."

3. On Public Transportation Challenges:

   • Joey Diaz [50:01]: "They breathe hot air on you, so they can bite you."

4. On Personal Growth Through Therapy:

   • Joey Diaz [40:37]: "When I got off the plane, when I got here four years ago, I didn't know what was going on with me."

5. On Dealing with Frustrations:

   • Lee Syatt [14:33]: "You may spend more than you make."

---

This episode of "The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament" provides listeners with a blend of humor, personal anecdotes, and insightful discussions on comedy, life in NYC, and navigating the myriad challenges and eccentricities that come with both. Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt's chemistry and candid conversations offer an engaging experience for both regular listeners and newcomers alike.

Transcript

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, this is you dog. What are you waiting on? What are you gonna end up with? A white chick with a skadoodle dog? One of those ugly dogs. That's the ugliest dog ever made, you know that? Oh, yeah, I hate those. Roll my heart. Yesterday I'm in a kids football game. I got two dads sitting next to me trying to watch the game and two other dads and their wives trying to watch the cheerleader daughters. And this lady, you know, with a skadoodle dog with mushy hair, didn't even wash her ass before she left with a Starbucks coffee. Talking to eight other idiots with Starbucks coffee. And we can't watch the game with a skadoodle dog. You know, what's this?

[Lee Syatt]

Can you think? What? You've said that like eight times. What does skadoodle dog?

[Joey Diaz]

Dogs that have little afros. Like a big French poodle I've ever seen in my life. I love dogs. But that dog bothers me because I know it's the official dog of the gentile. You know it's the official dog of the gentile. God forbid you ain't got one of those. And a. An Elon Musk car. Whatever. The Tesla.

[Lee Syatt]

A Tesla? You wouldn't get a Tesla.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, not in a million years. Those people can't drive. The battery's $30,000. Where's the bargain? It's a, you know, it's a followers. It's a sheep world. Ba ba. Let me get a Tesla so my friends accept me. I already got the tattoo on my cap. I got the Tesla. I got the lesbian head dude with the. Yeah. When does it end, Lee?

[Lee Syatt]

But it drives for you.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, that's great. That's great. That's why I'm gonna Trust on the 101 headed to San Diego when I got a gig. The Tesla. With my luck, the battery will run out and, you know, Leave me alone. All right, where's the arrow? Pump the gas. Let's get this party started.

[Unknown]

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[Joey Diaz]

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[Joey Diaz]

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[Joey Diaz]

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[Joey Diaz]

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[Unknown]

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[Joey Diaz]

You never know, she might be hanging off the fucking windows when you get home.

[Unknown]

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[Joey Diaz]

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[Unknown]

Now, without further ado, let's get this party started. It's a beautiful Tuesday morning.

[Joey Diaz]

Turn off your TVs. Run for your lives. It's over. They didn't put you on this planet just to give up. If Uncle Joey could do it, I can rule the world. That's what you got to be thinking. Welcome back to church. What up, Mook?

[Lee Syatt]

I'm doing great. I'm happy to see you.

[Joey Diaz]

Good to see you. Last Wednesday night at the dojo was a great show. We had great sets. Great to be back on State. You know, I've been fired up since that night.

[Lee Syatt]

Really?

[Joey Diaz]

My blood pressure's been running a little high this week. I've had a curse a couple.

[Lee Syatt]

And that explains it.

[Joey Diaz]

Remind people. Yeah. Stand up gets me fired up, so I love it.

[Lee Syatt]

What was it about that one that was different than, like, the other sets?

[Joey Diaz]

I hadn't been on stage in a month. And the time before that, I hadn't been on stage since June. So, you know, two minutes at the Garden ain't right. And then I. Why, that set was Special to me. First of all, I did 15 minutes. I was very relaxed and I talked about stuff I didn't want to talk about. Like, I spoke about stuff I wanted to talk about, you know, stuff that suited me. It took me a couple years to. I didn't want to go up there with the same shit, just rewriting my jokes. I didn't want to do that. The audience is too smart today. There's too much comedy and there's too much entertainment to go out there with a B game. Too much. And that's how I look at it. There's too much great comics right now that you're gonna go out with a B game. And then with the Internet, you get ridiculed.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, so they go, your ticket sale. So if you're going out there, you gotta go out there with three guns.

[Lee Syatt]

And, like, you felt. Because, I mean, I felt like I.

[Joey Diaz]

Got somewhere for the first time in four years. That's what I'm trying to say. I felt like, comically, comedically, I got on stage, I went through a tough time, and just like. Cocaine blocks your heart, right? Saying what you want. I think the drug use in LA blocked my heart along with the Xanax. It just blocked it for a while. I was not quick on stage. I was not. It took me a while, man. And this break from it just helped, you know? But you did great. I mean, thank you, buddy. Your last six minutes. And I was blown the fuck away on the improvement and how I hate when people give up on shit because I did it for years and I want to kill myself now. Kill myself because of the. Seriously, like, I'm telling you from the heart. I want to cry sometimes because, you know, we quit, right? We quit. We make excuses. And I did it for years, and thank God I stuck to this like a soldier. And I. I respected it. And here we are today.

[Lee Syatt]

Well, it's so crazy. Like, you've talked about home clubs, and I've only been here a week, so I don't have a home club yet. But there's something when, like, when it's a show that people know that you're going to be at the dojo. I've had, like, two or three shows there where, like, I go up with, like, I don't know, five. If I'm doing 10 minutes, I probably had four or five. That was just new for that night. Like, I just. I just sort of riff. I'm not really a riff person, but it was just, like. The energy in there is just so fun. And I feel like I like, I think what you said earlier, like, comfortable.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, the best productivity, the best material, the best performance. We do as hard is when we're at so relaxed. Yeah, that's the best performance we're gonna do. That's why before you got on stage, I made you get high that night.

[Lee Syatt]

Yes, you did.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, like, there's no way, you know, you want to do good on stage, you got to go up there relaxed. I don't think alcohol and drugs is the answer, you know, I bust people's balls about it, like, you know, but you gotta go up there relaxed if it means walking around the corner, you know, and this is the way you gotta go up. Whether you're at the Comedy Dungeon or in front of Mitzi Shore, if she makes a comeback and comes up from the grave, that's how you have to look at it sometimes. So it's very interesting. What do you think about New York after your first week?

[Lee Syatt]

I'm sort of a. I'll just start off with a positive. I love. I. I couldn't love it anymore. I've always wanted to live here. I'm so happy to be here. I've had a mix of good and bad sets, but, like, I love, like, doing a 9 o'clock open mic on a Saturday. That was one of the best sets I had all week. And it was an opportunity that wasn't there anywhere else. And then I've done some great shows and that was fun. I. Not a negative, but I feel a little bit the way it sounds like you felt when you first got to Jersey. I'm just like. Because, like the last couple months have been such a whirlwind of, like, getting ready, working, doing everything, finding all the. And like now I'm like, here and there's a lot of pressure. And B, like, I'm alone. I have people around me, but I'm also alone for the first time in.

[Joey Diaz]

Four years, which is fucking great, Lee.

[Lee Syatt]

It's awesome.

[Joey Diaz]

It's great. That's something. That is great. You know, I always talk about people judging us by what we said 10 years ago or 20 years ago. Well, I'm sure if you look up an old church prior 2017, before that, I would have told you you were crazy. And I was never going to go back, that it was a fucking crazy city. And I came back for two weeks and I was like, what the fuck am I doing in California? What the fuck am I wasting my goddamn time for?

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, I don't blame you.

[Joey Diaz]

And now you Come here. And I'm sure. 14 years ago, I know, 14, you know, seven, eight years ago, I tortured you. You know, I know for a fact now I gotta eat my words. But hey, at least I'm honest enough to fucking say that. And here we both are in the metropolitan area. Both of them are loving it, you know, I mean, yesterday I had a fantastic day. Oh, yeah, it wasn't about me. I went to my friend's seminar, a weight loss seminar. He's great, this guy.

[Lee Syatt]

Nice.

[Joey Diaz]

It was a different level of seminar. This is about fat loss from how it starts from your cells and how you have to get sun to lose weight. I mean, this was heavy duty. I had to leave because my aunt called from Cuba because Ari's going up there with Rob Kelly. Oh, my aunt hook him up when he gets off the flight. Like, you know, dancing girls, the whole thing. Santeria, chickens. So she called me and I had to step outside and then I had to go to a jiu jitsu tournament. My friend's daughter, who's also my daughter, my daughter, my friend, I like, her family invited us the night before. I thought it was next Sunday, so I went to that and that was great. I saw all the kids from my class. I saw the professors. I saw. I saw Jason from Rebel. I saw fucking. And he blew me away. I loved that guy's videos. I saw Bernardo from our school. I saw Bagabundo from Long Branch, Gracie, Long Branch. I mean, it was just great to see those guys. I hadn't seen a handful of those guys in a while. And then I went to see my buddies, Joey's game, okay. And little Joey came home. I did a few bong hits, you know, it got really hot and I'm like, fuck, I gotta go to this game now at 3:00. And I get there and I'm having a great time with, you know, the game starting. The cheerleaders are right in front of us. These like seven year old cheerleaders doing summer shit. It's out of this world, but it a lady with one of those fucking dogs, Skadoodle, whatever the they called, just standing there, you know, talking a little gentile friends about nothing, about how stressful life is or whatever the they talk about. And you know, I'm sitting there watching him. I wasn't mad about me. I don't give a. I'm high anyway. I'm just there for the vitamin D. It's the two parents with their moms, with their wives. They're like, we can't Even see, because these lady won't move. Oh, I mean, I hate. And I just thought about la, how people act like I'm so special. I'm going to stand right here and just talk because they want to hear. Nobody wanted to hear. Nobody wanted to hear this old ratty fucking dirty bitch with Birken socks on and God knows what else.

[Lee Syatt]

I hate that. Like when they make a parking space that's not a parking space. That drives me nuts.

[Joey Diaz]

Remember we used to go to Marie Et There'd always be a discovery parked sideways. She was too much in a rush to park the car. Oh, there's four parkings now. The two people she's blocking have to leave. But she's in there because you know. Hold on one second. I have to get my yoga latte, double breast milk, whatever the they put in there. Look, I saw that once a week at that place and it used to drive me crazy because these women didn't even have a job. These women that had to leave, the people who had to leave, Bad jobs. These women. Come in. You haven't seen your husband in weeks. He's banging a 22 year old receptionist at Weinstein Town now. You think he's out of business? He's just giving you paper to shut you up, you dirty wench, so you could go around be. I'm gonna have a fundraiser at my house. You haven't made a dollar in years.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, yeah, you may spend more than you make.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, get the out of here. Fundraiser. These dirty because I believe you know eyeball fibrosis. All right, give me a breather. Enough.

[Lee Syatt]

I can't take the face blocking everybody.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, like she owned the stadium, you know? And I told the guy, tell this hang to move that dog, that ugly dog before I sell them to Freddy down there at King's Chinese Place and go down there next week and get those ribs. Those skadoodles make some good ribs though. And a good Kung Pao chicken.

[Lee Syatt]

I was gonna say, those ribs are so good, even if it was good, I probably still get them.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm telling you, even if I knew it was a dog, I'd still eat them. Those ribs are that good. You know what I'm saying? Every time I eat Chinese food, I leave there like, I just ate somebody's cat. And you feel bad for like 10 seconds and you're like, but that egg roll was good. You look at those inside those egg rolls, it's not a good thing. And that dumping that dumpling, that's everything bad that the animal has I will.

[Lee Syatt]

You break my heart every time you say that. And I went to, like, a. Like a fast Chinese place last night, and almost immediately.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, because this is why you're.

[Lee Syatt]

Where am I supposed to get Chinese.

[Joey Diaz]

At a nice Chinese restaurant set? There's got to be a Szechuan joint somewhere in the Upper west side. What the fuck? You're gonna go into some place. The guy's missing an eye. He lost it in a card game in Thailand. And here you are ordering food from him. And what do you expect to get?

[Unknown]

Even if you eat vegetables there?

[Joey Diaz]

They coat the vegetables and cat blood and God knows what else to sweep.

[Lee Syatt]

I do. But I love, like, what I love about it. Because, like, that fake stuff, they were like. I walk into the Chinese place, it's my first time there, and there's a woman yelling at the cashier. Like, on the phone, you said it was going to be 10, 50. And then it's $12. And the lady, the cashier's going, I never said what the price is. I never say what. And they were just going at it. And then, like, I. Like, I love that about New York. Like, I. I haven't seen anything like this.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, yeah. You see every two days in New York, especially now, today's world be drama on the streets at night, some homeless guy kicking a. You know. Gotta be something. You're walking through that. I love it.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm just telling you. Better get a little helmet. I think you should get a little helmet. I was talking.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, but then I'm gonna be the guy walking around the city with a helmet on.

[Joey Diaz]

That's okay. They'll leave you alone.

[Lee Syatt]

I don't want that.

[Joey Diaz]

Leave a little retarded boy alone. He's okay. He ain't gonna bother nobody. And they come up. You have any money?

[Unknown]

Oh, yeah.

[Lee Syatt]

I don't think. I mean, I. I don't need to add something to get canceled about. Can you imagine that? That might work, though, walking around with a helmet on.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm telling you. Listen, I was in Harlem when I was like, 13. I went to a record basketball game. I'll never forget this. Me, a high school teacher, a Cuban kid, another white kid. We were the only whites there, right? I was petrified. Petrified. I thought I was gonna get killed. But Juan Rodriguez, God rest his soul, had a karate jacket on, like a guitar, right? And the whole night I'm like, somebody's gonna mess with us because this idiot's got a karate top on. Who would wear this out?

[Lee Syatt]

He was just Wearing just a karate top as, like a shirt.

[Unknown]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Like, on the way out, he pulled the karate top on like, I need my life. And all of a sudden, as we're walking out, I'm like, I don't even want to walk next to you with that jacket on. He goes, he looked at me, goes, you don't see nobody with me, do you? So, you know, perfect. Sometimes they just leave you alone.

[Lee Syatt]

But why can't I wear a karate jacket? That might be more effective than the helmet.

[Joey Diaz]

You don't want to wear a karate jacket in New York. Okay? Just, just, just walk around. Walk on main streets. Don't walk down dark alleys. Don't go into shitty Chinese joints.

[Lee Syatt]

It's gonna be hard. I have to find somewhere to get Chinese. I haven't had pizza yet.

[Joey Diaz]

Well, you're surrounded by pizza. But if I know you, you'll walk into that one. That. That's not even cheese. It's like, oh, by the leftover pizza from Domino's. And they re dope it up and sell it to mopes like you at one in the morning.

[Lee Syatt]

No, they.

[Joey Diaz]

They wait for Domino's to close at midnight and they go, give me everything you got. Oh, dope it up. They put like a little. Couple pieces of real pepperoni. They buy some stuff out of the Chinese dumpling box. Sausage. It's some kids parakeet.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, no. But do you like. I. I haven't gone to like one of those dollar slices. Do you ever do that?

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, wow.

[Lee Syatt]

Because they have like dollar slices and it's like supposed to be.

[Joey Diaz]

I heard it's not bad from a lot of people that they're happy with dollar slice. If you're going to get into that world of. I'm going to go up to the village and get listen $. And you got to find Sophie's Cuban kitchen.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay?

[Joey Diaz]

That's when your world will change. Fried bananas, Maduro's. There's two specials of the day. White rice. They either have the black beans and rice already mixed, and then you get a. Wait till you see that place. You're gonna be. You're gonna be eating Cuban food with salsa shoes on every goddamn day.

[Lee Syatt]

I can't. That's one I definitely want to do.

[Joey Diaz]

What's that?

[Lee Syatt]

Isn't Sophie's Cuban Kitchen. But I was actually on. Well, this girl ended up being a. Like a scam, but I was talking to a girl on a dating app and she lives over by La Carrie Dodd. So like, I was talking about going there like that. That's what I want to go to again.

[Joey Diaz]

Nah, just go to. Go to this place.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay, I'll go to both.

[Joey Diaz]

It's a good chicken breast.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

Chicken breast with white rice and black beans or red beans is six points because the chicken breast is free.

[Lee Syatt]

Right.

[Joey Diaz]

It's all protein. So the rice and beans are going to be six points. Eat two fried bananas, throw five more points on that. You know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syatt]

Is that how much they are?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, Tostones on the Weight Watcher app. I think it's like three for seven. But you don't know what you're eating because they could be little midget toastonis.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You show up with midget toast. Tony's. I'd rather have the longer ones that are flatter and crunchier. You put extra salt on that motherfucker. Forget about.

[Lee Syatt]

I haven't tried the crunchy ones yet.

[Joey Diaz]

You could push the rice and Chinese food onto your fork. Or the black beans and rice.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, I. I do think. I haven't weighed myself. I gotta stay. I just gotta stay at night.

[Joey Diaz]

You look good. Very sleek, very aerodynamic. Those four flights of stairs 10 times a day, they're gonna whip you into shape. Today. He's.

[Lee Syatt]

I don't think I've ever been aerodynamic.

[Joey Diaz]

15, 000 steps a day now. Good for you.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, it's a lot.

[Joey Diaz]

You're back on it, dog. But it's 75, 000 steps a week.

[Lee Syatt]

That's why I like New York, though.

[Joey Diaz]

And like, every two weeks, that's 300, 000amonth. That's 3.6 million steps a year.

[Unknown]

What are you gonna look at now, all the work you're putting in?

[Joey Diaz]

You still want to go get a dollar Chinese slice?

[Lee Syatt]

No, a Chinese slice. That sounds. But no, no, no, I. I'm not going to. I've actually been pretty good. I had a couple of, like. Oh, we didn't even talk about. I got. I got lost on the train after. I got After, I guess, last week.

[Joey Diaz]

Sure you did. I know you did.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, because they don't. Sometimes they don't put.

[Joey Diaz]

Like, you were going to Brooklyn and they had an open mic and you got Queens.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Like, was next week. Yeah. You're a beauty too. Now you're up in Queens, the Mets ain't playing, and you're walking around like Johnny Zip.

[Lee Syatt]

You got so mad at me because I got shawarma.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, yeah. Then you get shawarma to add. Because that's Warmerville up in Queens. Right?

[Unknown]

Yeah.

[Lee Syatt]

Well, yeah, it was great.

[Joey Diaz]

We were up in Queens. And every night, that's all there was to eat, either. You had a smoke, a hookah.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah. But shawarmas. Although I do feel like they were from Syria, like, I noticed on the. On the wall.

[Joey Diaz]

Okay.

[Lee Syatt]

So I don't think they, like. I think they either. They thought. I think they either thought I was, like, special needs because I was so high, or they could tell I was Jewish because, like, they were not thrilled that I was there.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, that's a bit. When I get high, people think I'm special needs.

[Lee Syatt]

I did. I did that.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah.

[Lee Syatt]

I did learn at the. At the dojo.

[Joey Diaz]

Very good. See you learning. You got to take material from your own life. Sucker.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, my God. But, yeah, I. The train. That's one thing that, like, I'm trying to get better because it's. That thing is crazy. I took the bus. I took the bus for the first time.

[Joey Diaz]

I heard.

[Lee Syatt]

It's great. It was great. It got me home.

[Joey Diaz]

It was great.

[Lee Syatt]

It was. I got off a stop too early, and I was too, like. Because you have to press the button so the guy knows when to stop. And I pressed. I was so proud of myself. I was like, all right, because she said it, but I didn't realize it was for the. Like, the stop after the one that she was coming up on. So I had to walk, like, two extra blocks because I didn't want to stay on after I pressed the button. But the. The bus is pretty good. Did you ever ride that when you're growing up?

[Joey Diaz]

I'm not sure about the New York bus. I don't. You know, Lee, I love to tell you, yes and. But no, I rode more the Jersey bus and I. From Jersey to New York and vice versa. I'm not gonna lie. I remember taking a bus, like, from 88th street to 148th to my godmother's. I would just walk it.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, that's fun, too.

[Joey Diaz]

And, well, those days, I would just walk it without weed. Straight. I was a kid, 8, 9. Buy some fruit on the walk up, you know?

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, yeah, that's people. This is the first time I've had cash in a while because, like, you always. Yeah, like, I always just was. Credit card for everything. But then, like, I walked. I had to go return stuff to Amazon, so I had to go to a UPS store, but I just walked the 30 blocks back, and it was great. I walked by a farmer's market. I found a farmer's market. It was just like. But you just end up stopping in places.

[Joey Diaz]

Did you go to that.

[Lee Syatt]

I didn't, I didn't get. I. I was proud of myself because I didn't get the brownies.

[Joey Diaz]

You were going to get the apple pie. I know.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, they did. They did have some good looking pies.

[Joey Diaz]

You think you're talking to Joy Bananas. That's the farmers markets here, King. A little Dutch apple pie. You stop grocery, get a little vanilla Haagen Dazs. You put your feet up, you watch the Sunday game. Listen, so I didn't finish my story, okay? I'm very sorry to interrupt you.

[Lee Syatt]

No, it's okay.

[Joey Diaz]

So I go to this football game. I get annoyed with the lady, but she moves. We're watching the game, I'm having a good time, but it starts to get hot, okay, But I'm starving, so I go, let me get out of here. I wasn't in the mood to sit in a restaurant. I was too beautiful yesterday to sit inside. So let me just go to Fielas, the market by my house. Tremendous sandwiches, late on semolina bread with mayonnaise. I got a nice tuna sandwich, nice healthy tomato, you know what I'm saying? No cheese. A little vinegar oil, a couple sweet peppers. Nice. I come home and I made a big fucking mistake.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, no.

[Joey Diaz]

I go, let me chill for 10 minutes. I throw on it said NFL on CBS or NFL on Fox.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay?

[Joey Diaz]

It was Dallas playing Baltimore and they were losing. Like, I don't know what the score was, but it wasn't good. And I'm sitting there and I know where I just started getting fucking angrily, like, just beat angry, like at what? I'm like, what have we done to our country? Have we painted ourselves into a corner that we can't get out? How are the Dallas Cowboys losing at home for the second week in a row? On top of that, they're just losing. They just paid this quarterback $160 gazillion dollars.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, they're getting beat up.

[Joey Diaz]

And I'm like, you know, again, for people that don't understand my logic and my thinking on that, let me tell you where my thinking comes from. My thinking. That part almost blew me off the chair. That was a good one.

[Lee Syatt]

Thank God for Zoom.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, thank God. No, I got the new add on that you could smell through Zoom. That's a new. You gotta qualify. You gotta weigh 250 pounds or send them a pair of your underwear with burn marks on it. Anyway, I'm watching this and talk. I remember being a kid and coming home just to watch Dallas. No gambling, no nothing. I knew nothing about that I did, but I wasn't. They were a work of art. They were a work of art. Randy Gratisaw, just John Stalwart. Just the whole fucking offense. Billy White Shoe Johnson. It was the quarterbacks, you know, I think the guy I fell in love with was that white dude. And then came the guy with the fucking wig. That's an announcer now and was great. And the guy, Troy Aikman and the guy before that, they were just great teams. And it felt like you were an American when you watched those things. Like, this is fucking the heart of Texas. They're Cowboys. Every year they were in the something NFC Finals, you know, NFC east champion. And now you watch this and you're like, this sucks. And I tell you what, the sad thing is. It's acceptable.

[Lee Syatt]

By who? By the fans, by everybody.

[Joey Diaz]

We are just. And then God forbid they win next week. If they win next week, like 35 to like 18. Wake up Monday morning. Are the Cowboys a Super bowl team? They look like a Super bowl team yesterday, Bill. They just won minds again. And this is everything. When I watched the ufc, the guy lost three fights. He wins one, he's back. He's in the title contention. He just won one fight, right? He fought a tomato can. I don't even know this guy is. And you know, it's so crazy how we've lowered our fucking standards on everything. But the fucking football is killing me, especially Dallas like that. Listen, everybody has peaks and valleys. I was growing up. Dallas didn't have any peaks and valleys, Chad.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, they were great. Is that when they became like America's team? When did that start, do you know?

[Joey Diaz]

When Tom Landry was there. Tom Landry had him I don't know how many years he was the head coach. He devised the 4, 3 defense which they don't use anymore. He did so many things and he had those teams, he had them like a work of art. It was like a well oiled machine. If for anybody who doesn't believe me, look up the Cowboys in 78. And then let me tell you, like, what bothers me is the attitude of the players, really. They're losing and they're smiling and having a good time. You know, I'm from an old school. If you lose, I'm from the school. I better not see you out that night, right? I better see at a club hitting on white chicks. You just lost.

[Lee Syatt]

Take it seriously.

[Joey Diaz]

Take it seriously. You know Shaq, I remember Shaq at the Comedy Store after. He would miss eight free throws and my blood Pressure would boil like the Comedy Store giggling, you know. Right. No, I'm a little over crazy, you know, but at the same time, you know, I came from such a perfectionist type of world. Like that football, the NFC east, they won every year, right? It was either the Giants, Philadelphia or Dallas. Listen to that. Or the Washington Redskins. You know, they were monsters and they were. Every year they were getting bigger and bigger the lines. I mean, it was beautiful to watch. Now I watch the Cowboys. They're in a stadium, they're raping, printing money, right? Money in those stadiums. And this is what they give you. And I feel the same way about the. Listen, when I watch the Giants, there's a metropolitan area. How the are you? You know. And the Giants won this week and I saw it coming on DraftKings because DraftKings offered a 50% boost. When they were given six and a half. Everybody was going to bet Cleveland, right. I knew the Giants were at least cover. They'd lose by three then winning outright, you know, saying, but, you know, yet we're just so. I hate when I have a bad show and people come up to me and say that was a great show.

[Lee Syatt]

Right?

[Joey Diaz]

Nothing gets me hot. I rather you come up to me and go, Joey, you owe me 2250.

[Lee Syatt]

But yeah, I, it's. I don't think people have. That's. I mean the difference I think between the Cowboys and the Patriots is people love the Cowboys. I think everyone hated the Patriots. But how do you think I feel like after the last 20 years, the last four or five years, whatever it's been since Tom Brady left has felt like a, like a bad dream.

[Joey Diaz]

Like even when you the games look darker, it looks like a ghost town now.

[Lee Syatt]

It's awful. It's awful to watch. And then like even I'll take Tom Brady out because the people hated the Patriots. Like you always used to call me and be like, God, Tom Brady is the best. Like even it. Yeah, I was just gonna say the best.

[Joey Diaz]

Real white men, real white men, real. Those are the greatest white men of all time. They took it seriously. There was no jumping up and down. You didn't see Tom Brady. Tom Brady slung dick at home, ate his vitamins, made his protein powder, whatever the he does, you know, that's it. No complaints, no DUIs. He dumped the woman that was pregnant for how to woman. That's a real Catholic, you know what I'm saying? Like when you do that as a Catholic, you're like, okay, you know, there's just some people that are animals And I love them all. When I watch Tom Brady, I get inspired. When I watched a Tom Landry used to coach or in basketball, Dean Smith from North Carolina. Holy right. That guy ever talked to me, I'd stand that attention.

[Lee Syatt]

What about? Did you ever. I don't know if you, if you saw. But he, I think he just retired. Mighty Mouse, like, he seems like one of those guys.

[Joey Diaz]

Mighty Mouse?

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

The fighter.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

He's the best in the world. He's the best and he does it all. Did you see a jiu jitsu contest against the guy bigger than me and he fucking tapped him.

[Lee Syatt]

Did he really? I didn't see that. That's crazy.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, no, those guys. Listen, man, it's just some people take it seriously. Some people think they get a tattoo in a gold chain and they shave their head. And then I got a right hook, right? You know, and you got gsp, who retired like a savage. And every fight he showed up with something different. He would go to Thailand, he would go to the Bronx and fight 10 Puerto Ricans with a mask on his head. He would always be gymnastics, you know, and that's what this is. It's like when we do stand up. Somebody was talking to me about improv.

[Lee Syatt]

The other day, okay?

[Joey Diaz]

Like an improv troop. Let me explain to you what I think about improv, okay? It's. It's either six college kids that want to be on Saturday Night Live, right? I got inspired by Sinai Live and the lifestyle, or just guys that get out of college. Young kids that get out of college and just don't know. And they get involved with it. Maybe they want to be stand ups, but they want to see how it works. You know, I used to be a member of Improv Olympic. I spoke to you about this. Now you look at me and go, joey, even though you don't like something, you don't believe in it, whatever. Why would you hang out over there? Because I was learning. I went, I took two sketch course in class. Like each one was three months apiece. And then I realized the guy that was teaching the course hasn't had a job in 92 years, right? He was talking about, like, I was on this. I was on the Beverly Hillbillies in 1962. Then why are you teaching it?

[Lee Syatt]

Because that was the last job he had. But did you. Because I've thought about doing improv. I recommend it a little bit.

[Joey Diaz]

I. I took more of a sketch writing and I took something basic, okay? Basic. The guy told me, I'm giving you back the money don't come back. Wow, you're a savage compared to these guys. But I had a scam. In those days, this had to be way before I met you. I lived in Hollywood to 2009. I got clean in 2007. This had to be about 2008. I was going in there and guess what I would do because I wasn't at the store. I would go in there on Friday night improv class. Listen, they had a 10 o'clock comedy stand up show. Oh, and guess what? Every agent was there watching the improv. And then they would stay for the late show. And every week I'd get a card from one of them. I don't know, I don't if anything ever transpired, but it was a lot better than hanging out at the Comedy Store. Then. Yeah, I would go there on Friday.

[Lee Syatt]

Nights and at least do. That's crazy. And was that when you were not at the store?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, wow.

[Joey Diaz]

So I would go there and I learned a little bit. And then I think after we start the podcast, Improv Olympic closed down. I think you got the Groundlings and there might be something else left. Whatever's in Chicago, like Chicago is a big breeding ground for it. Oh, yeah, I've been to the one in Chicago. It's great. I think it's IU whatever. Because I shot a movie with some guys that have an office in that building where they were at in Chicago.

[Lee Syatt]

There's a lot of great and bro. And like, I. I'm not gonna say I have zero interest, but like, acting isn't really even on my radar, but I just feel like it, it would be good to learn how to like. I feel like it would help with crowd interaction, just being quicker on your feet.

[Joey Diaz]

Duh. No, acting class will help you sell your material more.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay, acting class. Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

Acting class will make you understand your material and you're an actor already. If you could hold a conversation with a stand up about, you know, the timing of a stand up is deadly. I've always respected that and I'm very proud that I worked on that. Especially when it comes to acting. It's too deadly for some people.

[Lee Syatt]

Right.

[Joey Diaz]

Told you years ago on the podcast Harrison Ford, there were a lot of actors that would not work opposite stand up comics because they felt it's too big. And then you go to Mitzi Shore's house and she's training you to do three minute sets, which an audition is. Three minutes.

[Lee Syatt]

Damn. I didn't know that.

[Joey Diaz]

How long do you think you're in that room for you think you're in there for a hour, you're in there for a couple minutes and you're going in there not to get the part. You're going in there to be remembered. So these all things will get to later, you know. Yeah, this is all fun that I enjoy the out of, you know, all those years. It's like Paulie Tune put up a tune this week.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

It was the audition I had for American Family, not the new one. This is one 20 years ago for ABC. Why stripped down to my thong and I was 400 pounds. I enjoyed that for a while. More than stand up. It was like saying an off color joke. And two women in the front row and they just stare into nowhere. And you destroyed their central nervous system. That's my goal in comedy. Forget about laughing. Destroying their central nervous system. When they walked into the wrong place at the wrong time and they realized it. Like those bikers in the Bronx tail they walked. He walked to the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong savages. That's what happens.

[Lee Syatt]

Did you ever get in trouble at any audition for anything you did?

[Joey Diaz]

No. And I had some up pants ripped.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, I remember that.

[Joey Diaz]

No underwear. But listen, we. Before we get to the balls and the underwear, I gotta take a minute and talk to these savages about BetterHelp and my people at DraftKings Casino. So give me a minute, all right? I'll be back.

[Unknown]

Jack, hey, it's Uncle Joey. I want to talk to you about something. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Back to school time can inspire you or turn over a new leaf.

[Joey Diaz]

At any age.

[Unknown]

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[Joey Diaz]

When I got off the plane, when I got here four years ago, I didn't know what was going on with me.

[Unknown]

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[Joey Diaz]

A year and a half. She was tremendous. I still have a number.

[Unknown]

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[Joey Diaz]

Remember, Halloween's coming. That's all you need to think about right now. You need a little therapy before they start coming over to your house and asking you for Tricky Tricky.

[Unknown]

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[Joey Diaz]

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[Joey Diaz]

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[Joey Diaz]

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[Joey Diaz]

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[Lee Syatt]

Anyway, speaking about sports and like being disappointed earlier before we took a break, I don't know if you did you see the story about the catcher that just got released by the Twins?

[Joey Diaz]

No.

[Lee Syatt]

He was a single a baseball player and he got released because like in a game like Two weeks ago, he was telling the batters what the pitch was going to be because he wanted to go home. He was sick of the season and he was tipping pitches. They lost by six runs. They lost six to nothing. And then the coaches on the other team told the other coaches, so they took them out.

[Joey Diaz]

That's something you would do if you wanted to make the buffet by 6:30.

[Lee Syatt]

I've always wondered that. If they do that because baseball season so long, I can't believe they don't do it more.

[Joey Diaz]

I'll tell you what, man. If my game. If my. If my team is like 12 and 80 and we got one week left in the season, everything I got signals, bats. I'll give you the coaches home number. Number. I don't want to see these ever again. We just went 12 and 80. They ain't nothing. I was like the Chicago White Sox this year when the seasons end, you won't hear from those. They won like I don't know how many games, but they came in for me like two or three times. Yeah.

[Lee Syatt]

Aren't they about to, like, hit the record for most losses?

[Joey Diaz]

Something crazy. Chicago's like walking around with sunglasses on. On the south side. They can't believe the team is that bad. But listen, you gotta have peaks and valleys.

[Lee Syatt]

Absolutely.

[Joey Diaz]

That's what this is all about. Cheese. You know what I'm saying? So tomorrow you go to Winnipeg. You got a new. They're gonna raise up your mushroom dosages to three and a half grams.

[Lee Syatt]

Why are you colluding with Josh to raise? Two grams was enough.

[Joey Diaz]

You've been around.

[Lee Syatt]

No one's been dicking around. I also haven't done it in a couple months.

[Joey Diaz]

Nobody's dicking around, living at Mom's house. I can't do this. I can't do that.

[Lee Syatt]

I'm smoking on the balcony right now.

[Joey Diaz]

No, you're smoking on the balcony. I'm good. Wow, you impressed me. Wait till you get back from Winnipeg and those mushrooms will be. I'm gonna freeze the mushrooms with Diddy lube. That's his.

[Lee Syatt]

And then they'll really go up the ass. Jesus Christ. I'm excited for Winnipeg. That's gonna be great.

[Joey Diaz]

That. No, honey, we're eating them.

[Lee Syatt]

Like, why can't I eat honey? What's wrong with honey?

[Joey Diaz]

He's from Pussies. But why?

[Lee Syatt]

It tastes bad. Why is it if it's in my belly?

[Joey Diaz]

Well, who cares what tastes bad? So does asshole. You don't see me sprinkling. Sprinkles.

[Lee Syatt]

First of all, I Would rather eat ass than eat fucking mushrooms.

[Joey Diaz]

All right, then you're all right. But every once in a while you gotta eat ass and mushroom at the same time. Oh, the full patois. The intestine. Anyway. What the fuck we talking about?

[Lee Syatt]

Full patrol the intestine.

[Joey Diaz]

Why are you gonna eat her ass if you're not gonna get the full patrol? The intestine. You know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, so you stick it. Oh, geez. I don't even want to know the answer to that question.

[Joey Diaz]

No, you don't. It's like Diddy, the. The father from that show from the 80s and opening up that old ass and old fried chicken coming out of there. Sweaty. Big ass bigger than mine. At least I got no ass. I got like 2 inches of ass between the. And the. The top of the cheek. There's not a lot that could cultivate.

[Lee Syatt]

I'm gonna. You just farted and basically your pants, you say. Are you saying your doesn't smell?

[Joey Diaz]

I didn't. My pants.

[Lee Syatt]

You did.

[Joey Diaz]

I didn't.

[Lee Syatt]

Joe, play the tape.

[Joey Diaz]

I didn't. My pants. It ricocheted off the leather chair and it made a weird noise. It was a tremendous fart. But the reason I got that effect was because I didn't have underwear on. When I wear commando shorts, I don't wear underwear because then I gotta. When I gotta pee in a rush, I gotta take my dick out of the shirt and the jeans and that. That's a complete failure for an old man like myself.

[Unknown]

I got pre piss drip.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

So sometimes I gotta hold it and just open it up and pull over and it just flies out of my dick.

[Lee Syatt]

But hey, you've been going commando since I've known you. And you haven't been old like you were like 45 when I met you. 47, 48.

[Joey Diaz]

What are you saying?

[Lee Syatt]

But then you've been going commando the whole time. So you weren't an old man back then.

[Joey Diaz]

No, no, no. When I wear shorts, I gotta go commando. If I were warm ups or jeans or with jeans. Anything with pants and a belt. I have a hard time with boxer shorts. Right. My sweatpants, I gotta have the nice. Because you don't want to sweat into this. Into the sweatpant with that old ball sweat.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You want to have a layer between. Why are we talking about this?

[Lee Syatt]

I don't know. You're talking about.

[Joey Diaz]

Just sprinkle your eyeballs with Manscape the wrinkle cleaner and you'll be fine. That's the stuff that takes the wrinkles out of your nutsack. That's the work. That stuff works.

[Lee Syatt]

They have stuff that takes the wrinkle out of your nutsack.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, it's called like the. When you get the box. The full kit with the. Yeah.

[Lee Syatt]

Forgotten that. It's great.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, they have.

[Lee Syatt]

I didn't know they had ball smoothing stuff.

[Joey Diaz]

When you come out of the shower, you spray and it takes that elbow. That elbow meat. It straightens out, it takes the wrinkles out. And if you're an old geese like me, you spray it in your eyeballs and it takes a little circle from under your eyes out.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh my God. I had no idea.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. And listen, this is what this show is about. Informative, funny at points and to the point, you know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syatt]

I love it. But dad, have you. I was on the train and I was coming back and I thank God because I know I just last week told everyone to myself. I didn't myself. But having to go on the train, like that's one thing I'm not used to in New York because there's no like, there's no public bathrooms, but.

[Joey Diaz]

But they have those things in between the trains.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, I saw someone pissing off the train off the tracks.

[Joey Diaz]

Before you take your ass right there. It's flying, you know. Listen, you don't know what life is to you on a rat. When you hear a rat eating and all of a sudden a piece of drops on them, that them up completely that up that nervous.

[Lee Syatt]

Did you on a rap before?

[Joey Diaz]

No, but I'm just. I read about it.

[Lee Syatt]

I can't imagine. I. I've seen those two.

[Joey Diaz]

Those are freaking Fall on a rat probably.

[Lee Syatt]

Hopefully. Zero.

[Joey Diaz]

What do you do?

[Lee Syatt]

Who's gonna on. I don't think homeless people on rats.

[Joey Diaz]

Well, I'm not saying that. What if somebody. A bird shits and a rat's walking by and it lands on his coat. He's gonna go, I'm. I'm supposed to be the pig, right? Who's coming on my jacket here?

[Lee Syatt]

They must get pissed off.

[Joey Diaz]

You see a lot of rats in the trains, brother?

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, well, even more I seen. I see them in the trash. That's where I see them a lot. I've seen a couple on the train. But the trash ones have been bad because you can. On the train, you're never really sure. It's kind of dark down there. And the tr. I saw him coming out of like. You know those like trash barrels that are in like the park sometime they just came out and they like somehow opened the top and then climbed out. And there are two of them, and they were big. And then I saw one in Central park by some water. I don't know if it could swim or what it was doing, but it was by the water in Central Park. And that one was a lot, bro.

[Joey Diaz]

Whenever Cuban rats, they. Those Cuban swimmers, rat, they got like frog legs in the front. I don't know what happened there, but I'm no history teacher or science teacher, But I will tell you, I've seen the. I saw a rat in 1968. I still can't think. I can't imagine what these rats. That was what, 20. That's 32 years on the one end and 24 on the other end. That's 56 years ago. I saw a fucking rat in my godmother's basement. That to this day, I don't know what I saw.

[Lee Syatt]

What was it? What happened?

[Joey Diaz]

It was a rat, and it was a foot long. The tail had to be as long as the rat. But when he looked at me, the look in his eyes and the lights, one of his eyes, like, you know, it me up. I'm like, this rat's got green eyes. And he didn't have green eyes, but it was the way the light was hitting him from the basement, Right? I never went in that basement again. That thing, you could hear it running away like it was like a tiger or something. I'm like, no way. I saw a roach one time in that basement.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, no.

[Joey Diaz]

Roach was 80 years ahead of its time. It had a head. The thing was like a water bug, but it had an extended head to it. I'm like, what?

[Lee Syatt]

No.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. Because once they come from another country and they start fucking in those basements and in New York City, you don't know what's going to evolve out of there. That's how they say the COVID was made in one of those laboratories. A lot of happens in those basements in New York. You know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, I'm so. I looked at some basement apartments. Thank God I didn't get one of those.

[Joey Diaz]

No, they're scary. In New York, you'll be in your bed and you'll wake up and a rat would already eat your finger.

[Lee Syatt]

What are you talking about?

[Joey Diaz]

Why?

[Lee Syatt]

I think I'd wake up to a rat biting my finger.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, yeah. And they said he already ate it. Why?

[Lee Syatt]

You said he already ate it.

[Joey Diaz]

Ate what?

[Lee Syatt]

My finger.

[Joey Diaz]

Let's say you sleep in a basement apartment. I don't know if you know this. Rats breathe Hot air on you, so they can bite you.

[Unknown]

You'll wake up and you have a.

[Joey Diaz]

Little skin missing, and you'll go, what the fuck? Blood. And there's a rat in your room.

[Lee Syatt]

No.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, fuck you. They'll bite you in your sleep. And in some of those buildings, they're so old in New York, they come in through the toilet system. So you got to be careful when you open the toilets in New York. If it's new construction, whatever. I don't even trust it. Because those pipes were there. The Indians put those pipes in, right?

[Lee Syatt]

I'm gonna have to look it up because I'm leaving. I heard, like, you're supposed to put stuff over your sinks and your toilet when you leave, in case comes up. And, like, your shower, too.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, you might jump in the shower. There's a bear when you come back and that.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And after you eat those seven grams of mushrooms, so.

[Lee Syatt]

What do you mean, seven grams? I thought it was three.

[Joey Diaz]

Two nights.

[Lee Syatt]

We're not doing two. He does it one night. Friday night, late show.

[Joey Diaz]

No, no, not this week. You're going into double training because it's 3 grams. Thursday, Thursday, Friday, yeah. Oh, the week early. You're in training again. No more this. I gotta go home. I gotta work tomorrow. You're in New York now. You're in New York City. Now. Strap a pair on. You're 36, you're single, you got no reason to be anywhere in the morning except your apartment when you wake up for work.

[Lee Syatt]

Right?

[Joey Diaz]

So what are we talking about here?

[Lee Syatt]

What do you mean, what am I talking about? That's seven grand. It's a lot of mushrooms.

[Joey Diaz]

You eat the mushroom, you stay up all night, you drink some milk, and you get it right in front of the computer. How are you? And they're tripping, talking about Martians, whatever. You just yes them to death. Whack them, banging one out. Whatever you do with your hands under that table. You creepy motherfucker, you.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, I can't. I still can't believe that people got fired for that. Like, who would? Jerk. Who can't wait until a Zoom meeting is over? It'd be like you jerking off right now.

[Joey Diaz]

You know? Like I said, we've painted ourselves order in this country. Can you imagine being on the line with three guys and having to bang one out? That's psychological problems.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah. Oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

See a guy banging out, or a guy watching me while his shoulders dragging and he's breathing, you know? You're not going to fucking Louis CK me do it to Women. But don't do it to me. I don't.

[Lee Syatt]

Or don't do it to anybody. That's fucking crazy.

[Joey Diaz]

Everybody in their life needs for somebody to fucking flash it with their dick in the air. One time, just jerking off. It changes lives. I've seen it. I've seen all those guys in San Francisco jerk off in front of college girls. Really never the same again. I saw it one time on that. Whatever. There was like 20 of those little basketball girls and they were like doing some fucking thing in San Francisco in the daytime. This is 1985 G money, okay? I saw some homeless guy just petting his pubes. He's just out there like scrubber dub dub. Just. He had like a men's brush, right? Brushing his hair. He's like, you know what? It's sunny out, it's a nice day. I might as well brush my pubes.

[Unknown]

Lee.

[Joey Diaz]

He was just out there brushing his pubes, looking at his dick. He was like an old guy, but he had like a six inch dick.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, he was dick out and he was combing it.

[Joey Diaz]

He was combing the hair around it, like humming like Whistler at the same time.

[Lee Syatt]

Holy. How long did it take people to see him?

[Joey Diaz]

Everybody saw him, especially those girls. I was insulted until the girls saw him. And then I fucking had to laugh my ass off because he didn't give a fuck.

[Lee Syatt]

And they just kept playing.

[Joey Diaz]

I feel, listen, 1985, listen. They didn't care if you jerked off on the street. You know, the poor girls, they're probably at home right now watching fucking Jeopardy and they still remember that dude petting his like pubes came up like the four letter word for pubic ass. And they're like, oh my God.

[Lee Syatt]

How could you. Could never forget that.

[Joey Diaz]

No.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh my God. I can't believe you haven't told anyone. Dude, I, I didn't see. He didn't have his dick out. But I was driving back once from Maine and I stopped at a rest area and I went to go pee. And like the, like the bathroom, not outside. And I walk in. This old dude is just like. Imagine this is your crotch just like padding. They're staring at the urinal and like I. He was there the whole just doing this.

[Joey Diaz]

He probably. They got those people that put a straw on the urinal and drink a little bit out of it.

[Lee Syatt]

Ah, no, they don't. No, they don't.

[Joey Diaz]

It's called the piss martini and it drives him crazy. Listen, when you're a comic at those rest areas, when you go to bathroom. Yeah. You better have this. A stick in your hand or something. Because you got to beat them off here especially. And you're a chubby dude. You stop for a bag of chips and one of those vending machines for those barbecue sticks or something. That's when they come out. Right from the vending machine. Hi.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, my God. They come out. Terrifying. I didn't know what. I've never. You experienced that on the road.

[Joey Diaz]

20 years ago I did. That's how I knew. When you go in those rest areas, you mean business and you're ready to kick a. Because they're creepy.

[Unknown]

They're like old dudes.

[Joey Diaz]

Very creepy.

[Unknown]

Yeah, like geeky guys.

[Joey Diaz]

And they laid it right there in the trunk as you're walking in and jerk off the old ladies walking back and forth. It's not a nice world. We've painted ourselves into a quarterly.

[Lee Syatt]

I had no idea was that bad.

[Joey Diaz]

So you're in Winnipeg this weekend?

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, Winnipeg this weekend at rumors. The 26th through the 28th, and then the 4th and the 5th of October. I'm in Wethersfield, Connecticut.

[Joey Diaz]

All right. We'll talk about Weatherfield next week.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

Let's just worry about Winnipeg this week.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay?

[Joey Diaz]

Seven grams of mushrooms. I wish you a lot of luck. It's going to be a good weekend.

[Lee Syatt]

Thank you, buddy.

[Joey Diaz]

We up with the best fungi, farm factory mushrooms money could buy. And listen, worst case scenario, you got a whole new 10 minutes.

[Lee Syatt]

What? Why do I have to take 7 grams to get 10 minutes?

[Joey Diaz]

Because the 2 grams ain't doing shit for you.

[Lee Syatt]

So I have a great time and I'm alive.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, great time and I'm alive, But you don't go back to your room and get philosophical and write.

[Lee Syatt]

I don't want to get philosophical.

[Joey Diaz]

You gotta take your shoes off and take a shower, walk on your carpet, and then look into the moonlight and see what the fuck's going on.

[Lee Syatt]

I had no idea was that serious.

[Joey Diaz]

Me neither. Stay black, cocksucker. I'll call you later.

[Unknown]

Love you guys.

[Joey Diaz]

Have a great week.

[Unknown]

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[Unknown]

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