I'm going to die my way!

Summary

Summary of "I'm Going to Die My Way!" Episode of The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament

Podcast Information:

• Title: The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament
• Host/Author: Joey Coco Diaz
• Episode: "I'm Going to Die My Way!"
• Release Date: April 29, 2025

Hosts:

• Joey Diaz: Comedian, actor, and New York Times Bestselling author.
• Shalom (Lee Syatt): Co-host, known for candid and humorous discussions on various life topics.

---

I. Navigating Friendships and Expectations ([00:00] - [04:50])

The episode kicks off with Joey Diaz and Shalom delving into the complexities of friendships, particularly focusing on expectations that friends may erroneously place on each other. Joey narrates an incident involving a "dear friend" who reached out, seemingly setting him up to buy dinner for her birthday without genuine intent.

• Joey Diaz ([01:04]):
  "I'm just a fucking guy trying to get it together."

This segment highlights Joey's frustration with friends who expect favors under the guise of friendship, emphasizing the importance of authentic relationships over transactional interactions.

• Shalom ([02:22]):
  "I'll buy a friend something just because I wanted to. Anyone who would ask me for that, I don't think would be my friend."

[Advertisement Break Skipped: [04:50] - [47:18]]

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II. Reflections on Relationships and Personal Growth ([47:18] - [79:43])

After the advertisement break, Joey and Shalom resume their conversation, shifting focus to broader themes of relationships, personal growth, and life changes.

A. Marriage and Long-Term Commitment

Joey shares an intimate look into his 25-year marriage with Terry, reflecting on the challenges and triumphs that come with sustaining a long-term relationship. He emphasizes the significance of communication and mutual understanding in maintaining harmony at home.

• Joey Diaz ([28:58]):
  "I'm gonna die my way. Your rules. I'm not gonna die sitting in a room with ukuleles and priests taking my money."

Joey candidly discusses past relationships, his struggles with substance abuse, and how meeting Terry marked a turning point towards stability and commitment.

• Shalom ([51:06]):
  "I think it's better to break up than to stick around for the kids."

• Joey Diaz ([62:17]):
  "When I tell people you love them, I'm not gonna put no drama in your fucking life."

B. Sobriety and Lifestyle Changes

Joey recounts his journey away from cocaine use, illustrating how personal accountability and a supportive partner helped him reclaim his life. He contrasts his tumultuous past with his current peaceful household, highlighting the importance of a drug-free environment for personal and familial well-being.

• Joey Diaz ([36:19]):
  "Terry calmed me down a little bit. And then I got off the coke. And then like a year after I got off the coke, there were some problems at the house."

C. Parenting and Creating a Peaceful Home

The conversation shifts to parenting, where Joey discusses the deliberate steps he takes to ensure a serene and structured environment for his daughter. He contrasts his upbringing with the type of home he strives to create, focusing on minimizing stressors such as alcohol and drugs.

• Joey Diaz ([65:50]):
  "Nobody drinks in the house. Nobody drinks alcohol in that house. So there's no fucking arguments."

D. Humor and Coping Mechanisms

Throughout the episode, Joey employs his trademark humor to discuss serious topics, using anecdotes and witty remarks to convey his points. This blend of comedy with heartfelt discussions provides a relatable and engaging narrative for listeners.

• Joey Diaz ([68:34]):
  "There's an ass for every seat. There’s an ass for every fucking seat, okay?"

[Additional Advertisements Skipped: [47:18] - [79:43]]

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III. Conclusion and Upcoming Events ([79:43] - End)

In the closing segment, Joey and Shalom share upcoming event dates and express gratitude towards their listeners. Joey hints at celebrating an anniversary, reflecting on the longevity of his marriage and the lessons learned from decades of relationships.

• Joey Diaz ([74:48]):
  "When I woke up at four in the morning one day and she had my football suit out for the longest yard. And I was like, what the fuck is going on here?"

• Shalom ([79:16]):
  "Love you guys."

The hosts wrap up with a reminder to tune in next Tuesday, signifying the ongoing nature of their candid and humorous explorations of life’s ups and downs.

---

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

1. Joey Diaz ([01:04]):
   "I'm just a fucking guy trying to get it together."

2. Shalom ([02:22]):
   "I'll buy a friend something just because I wanted to. Anyone who would ask me for that, I don't think would be my friend."

3. Joey Diaz ([28:58]):
   "I'm gonna die my way. Your rules. I'm not gonna die sitting in a room with ukuleles and priests taking my money."

4. Shalom ([51:06]):
   "I think it's better to break up than to stick around for the kids."

5. Joey Diaz ([62:17]):
   "When I tell people you love them, I'm not gonna put no drama in your fucking life."

6. Joey Diaz ([68:34]):
   "There's an ass for every seat. There’s an ass for every fucking seat, okay?"

---

Conclusion:

In this episode, Joey Diaz and Shalom offer a raw and humorous exploration of personal relationships, the pitfalls of misplaced expectations among friends, and the transformative power of commitment and sobriety. Through candid storytelling and trademark wit, they engage listeners in a meaningful dialogue about navigating life's complexities while maintaining authenticity and peace at home.

Transcript

[Joey Diaz]

What's happening, beautiful people? It's Tuesday, the 29th of April. We're almost done with this month, baby. Bring on the dancing girls. It's the church. New Testament coming at you live on a Tuesday morning.

[Shalom]

Welcome back to church.

[Joey Diaz]

What's happening, beautiful people? Uncle Joey with his beautiful and Jewish co host, Shalom. Looking beautiful on a Tuesday morning. What's happening?

[Shalom]

I've been good. I've been.

[Joey Diaz]

I've been.

[Shalom]

Dude, I've been missing the Netanyahu minute. I've been you. You've slowed down a little bit on that.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, man's coming in very cloudy. I don't wanna. I don't want to say stuff. And then people saying Joey's putting out misinformation.

[Shalom]

What can you imagine if you were like, what is that called? Where like, you're a plant for Israel? You're just.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't fucking know.

[Shalom]

You're an industry plant for Israel.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. No, I'm not an industry plant for nobody. I'm just a fucking guy trying to get it together. You know what I'm saying? I'm old. I'm just trying to do some standup. I don't know what the fuck is going on anymore. You know, I was telling you on the way in here, I had a situation last week with the fucking friend of mine. I like to say dear friend of mine, but I feel bad because she called and I could see that it was a setup or something. And then finally the clouds parted and showed me the true color of the sky. She's like, can you come over here for my birthday and buy dinner? Like that was the last fucking thing. And I just felt like, you know, like I was telling these guys, if I see you every day and you're like, come over and buy me dinner for my birthday or come over for my birthday dinner, I'll go over there. You know what I'm saying? But I don't know. I haven't seen this person in two or three months. Two months tops.

[Shalom]

You know me, I don't get angry at a lot of people. There's a big difference between come over for my birthday and come over and buy me dinner for my. I. I don't. I hate. I hate more than anything people assuming that you're gonna do something for them. I don't. I'll. And I'm a generous. You're very generous. I'm not as generous as you, but I would buy a friend something just because I wanted to. For some. Anyone who would ask me for that. I don't think would be my friend, to be very honest.

[Joey Diaz]

No, I was just.

[Shalom]

That's a terrible thing to ask for.

[Joey Diaz]

They're fucking wacky. They have certain expectations and stuff, but it was one of the wacky. And I didn't even get mad about it till, like, Tuesday.

[Shalom]

Because you didn't realize what you had said to you or something.

[Joey Diaz]

Think about it. Like, I have so much going on in my coconut that I just realized on the drive now a week later that fucking this is what went down. I'm like, that was the weirdest because I never heard from her again. What a coincidence that you don't call the next day and go, hey, I'm sorry how that came off, right? I was just goofing with you. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. No, never again. That's why it proved to me that that's what they called for. For you to just to go buy a dinner and make believe you're their friend for life. And. And those people pictures and balloons and shit.

[Shalom]

She didn't buy you dinner for your birthday?

[Joey Diaz]

I didn't even see it for my birthday.

[Shalom]

Right? Like that's such a fucking, you know, bullshit thing to ask somebody.

[Joey Diaz]

I didn't even hear from her on my birthday. I don't think I didn't. But I'm the type of guy, I don't worry about that shit.

[Shalom]

Right. Of course you don't.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, people have lives. How many times have you sat there and it's 11:30 at night, and you're watching the news, or you're about to watch, you know, after the news, and that guy that always comes on, Hi, it's Wednesday, April 30th. And you're like, April 30th, that's a familiar fucking date. And all of a sudden you're like, oh, shit, that's my best friend's birthday. You've been so busy all day. Now what are you gonna do, pick up the phone at 12:30 and call him? No, you gotta call him the next day and go, dawg, how long we been friends? You know, I'm sorry. So if you don't think that happens in my world, it happens when people call me a week later and go, dog, I didn't even realize it was your birthday. You think I sit there and hang up on him? No, listen, Life is so fast and quick. Life is fast and fucking quick, man. And after a certain age, you're like, I don't even worry about birthdays, bro. You got a kid, you know what I'm saying? But your Friends, you just call them up and say, happy Birthday. You put it on the Facebook page, you know, Right. Happy birthday. With explosions or whatever the fuck they put on there. You know, listen, that's my deed for the day. I go on Facebook in the morning somebody's birthday, I fucking send them a happy birthday. That's more than that going, what the fuck? This guy, how come he said, I grew up with you. You fed me once. Something happened that just propelled me to fucking happy birthday. To that.

[Shalom]

And. And that should be more than enough. Like, dude, I can't. I'm a weird person, I guess, but I'm busy. And for my birthday, what I love more than anything is to not have to do anything, is to just stay home and get, like, something I want to eat and not have to do shit like that. To have, like a birthday month. And they have, like eight activities planned.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, no, I'm not doing that shit. I have people who celebrate that birthday. It's. Let's say their birthday's on Thursday. They start Wednesday night. Then they go straight to Sunday. And Sunday is like the big day. And you're like, you're not gonna get me on that day. You gotta get. You got one day out of me. I'm not doing four days with you. Cause it's your fucking goofy birthday. No, it's one fucking day. Unless you got a pound to blow. Then we go till we go. You know what I'm saying? Then we go till we go. But I'm not going to sit there and listen, man, People. Some people are really weird about their birthday, right? And everybody loves having those birthday dinners. And the problem with those birthday dinners is that 10 to 12 people show up. And then it's a fucking challenge. When the check comes, it's a challenge. The people were like, Well, I had two drinks at 12.95. Well, bitch, there's a thing called tax and tips, okay? So 12.95, that's 26 bucks right there. I expect to see a 40 out of you without even hesitation. You bring up the credit. That's the thing that kills me. That's why I don't get involved in those. That's why when I go to those, I make sure I pick up the tab because I don't want to sit there when Jeopardy Happens and they pass it to each other and. Yeah, well, and then they put the calculator. Listen, either take the card out or don't put the fucking calculator out. You're fucking embarrassing me. Oh, it's the worst Just put the fucking car down. So if you go to dinner with 12 people at 100 a shot, three of them got to be alkies, right? Three or four of them out of 12 got to be. They're going to sneak in, drinks, $16 martinis, trying to get one on you. Now you got. You know, that's $1,200 plus. That's $1,600, right? I can't cover. I'll tell you. It's all to suck my dick. 1,600.

[Shalom]

No, fuck.

[Joey Diaz]

600, 500. I'll cover on the American Express, tell my wife a lie and fuck. But that shit of 12 people, I don't go to those.

[Shalom]

No.

[Joey Diaz]

Once it's more than four people, I don't want. Cause once the check comes, everybody. I don't know what happened, they start talking about the past, the future. I gave you a gift last year. I gave you a pet elephant. Listen, that was last year, motherfucker. The tab just came. And right now, I saw you over there having a good time, drinking zombos and fucking, you know, eating everybody's food and shit. Now the check comes. Those people who show up to your birthday thing, and they're like, I'm not gonna eat. I'm not gonna eat. I'm not hungry. I've been on dieting lately. I've been fasting. Wait till that first fucking Chinese spare rib come.

[Shalom]

I'll just have one.

[Joey Diaz]

And they start. Then they have one. Then they have a piece of egg roll. Then your fat sister can't finish the fucking. The lo mein. Fat people always get lo mein.

[Shalom]

We really do.

[Joey Diaz]

They love lo mein. Fat people. The fucking bag of fucking spaghetti. And then, you know, then the check comes, and nobody knows nothing. Then she sits there. I just drank water. No, you didn't. No, you didn't. You ate half the check here. And cat. Little morsels. And just come. You came. Throw at least 50 bucks in.

[Shalom]

And it's always. Have you ever had this where, like, they. They act like they're a big baller, and then they comes time to tip. Like, I was just out to dinner with somebody, and it was like a $200 tab. And he was like, he wanted to leave $20 for the tip. And it took me a minute, and I was like, hold on. He's like, that's enough. And he's like, it's in cash. They're going to love it. And I was like, wait a second. That's like 10 per. You can't. And I don't Know the server. But like, I. I would feel so terrible doing that. I just saw. I was just in a hotel in that episode of the Sopranos was on where that server came out talking to Chris and Paulie, I think. And they. They hit him in the head with the brick and killed him and that. Like, dude, I can't IM as a server. I used to. I would want to yell at people, and I never did. And I can't. Like, the people who under tip piss me off just as much as those people.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, I was never a server. And if you know anything about me, people wanted to tip piss the shit out of me off.

[Shalom]

Oh, yeah. It's like the worst thing about it.

[Joey Diaz]

I always need an extra tip. Like, if I go out with two different three families and one of them decides to. I go, you know what? I pulled the chick aside. Especially if there's kids at the table. Oh, yeah, if this kid's at my table, I'll always tip heavy and I'll pull her aside. Not the fucking busboy. Cause that shit'll go back to Ecuador, whoever the fuck. You know what's crazy about those migrants? They really like their little backpacks, don't they? They're like half retarded. You always see them with their little fucking backpacks. I just saw like 10 of them. They all got that military hairdo. Like, I don't know who cuts. It's not even a flow be. It's something else. Because there's a flow be unleashed or some shit. It's like, go straight up this way. But all of them are like half momos with these fucking backpacks. I don't get it. I can't. You put a backpack on. I can't put a backpack on.

[Shalom]

What do you mean you can't put a backpack on?

[Joey Diaz]

Fuck you. Like such a retard. When I see somebody with a backpack. That kid, I would have mugged them in high school or even now. I'd mug them just for general purposes.

[Shalom]

What do you do with your shit?

[Joey Diaz]

If you got to carry that much shit, then you need a new life. Where the fuck are you going with all that shit?

[Shalom]

He's there looking for new lives.

[Joey Diaz]

Are you going? They got those bags and it's like they're in the Marines and they're walking down, you know, 8th Avenue. Where you going?

[Shalom]

Where the fuck are you going?

[Joey Diaz]

I'm just curious. Where the fuck are you going? Yeah, what's in that fucking thing?

[Shalom]

Supplies.

[Joey Diaz]

What kind of supplies? A computer. Okay, a computer.

[Shalom]

Well, for me or for Because I do. I love a backpack.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, I could tell. But you see, me, I've had a backpack for years. I put something in it and I carry it like a man. I'm not going to put it on my back. Like fucking.

[Shalom]

But what you have, you flew to Texas and all you had was. I think all you had was your sleep apnea machine as your carry on. Like, you didn't have headphones and headphones. What if you, you don't like hearing? A sweater.

[Joey Diaz]

It's on me.

[Shalom]

A charger.

[Joey Diaz]

It's in my sleep apnea bag.

[Shalom]

Now, what about. Because I've never had. Knock on wood. But like, what if they lost your bag and you don't have. You know, you don't worry about that.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, I always got weed on me.

[Shalom]

Just in case.

[Joey Diaz]

We can always buy clothes. You can't get the weed. We're flying. You know what I'm saying? You can't smoke that weed. So there's always weed, there's always edibles in that bag. And that goes right to security. They don't even stop me. No, I put the weed in my sneakers. Now they don't give a fuck.

[Shalom]

Well, dude, we just had the DEA guy on. He said they don't give a shit about anything.

[Joey Diaz]

No. Which is crazy, but they do. They do, but they don't. You're not going to go through the apple with a pound of weed on your shoulder, right? But you got to hide it a little bit. Dope it up, you know, not let it stink. Oh, yeah, and then there's weed in my bag. So if the weed gets there, the only thing I need from that bag is a hose. I could borrow one of those. I get one from Amazon, delivered to the hotel in eight hours.

[Shalom]

Oh, what, for the sleep apnea machine?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. So the only thing I don't put in there is my hose. But everything else is in there. Computer, glasses, wallet, nicotine gum. Even for a day. Just in case, dog, I'm hip. You know, sometimes you get to the airport and they tell you you got a nine hour delay. What are you gonna sit there like a fucking Momo? Nah. Now you go back to the hotel room, right across the street. Go right back, listen. And on the way back, you got no gel, you buy a hat. I got like three hats from places that I wouldn't even put a hat on. I just went to the airport, I doped it up before it pops back up, the monkey spit wears off. I put a fucking hat on there and that's it. I'm looking good, you know what I'm saying?

[Shalom]

I really don't have that problem, but I can't find a hat that fits my head.

[Joey Diaz]

No, look. Look at the size of that fucking thing.

[Shalom]

Never. Oh, and I bought. I bought a hat recently and I like it, but I feel like such a douchebag.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, that little Puerto Rican hat. Yeah, keep wearing it.

[Shalom]

That's like an old Jewish man's hat.

[Joey Diaz]

What do I. I'm trying on roller skates.

[Shalom]

Dude, can you imagine me on roller skates in New York City? I would die immediately.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, you make $10,000 in the morning.

[Shalom]

Well, what. How.

[Joey Diaz]

Renting that asshole on roller skates because there's nothing more than a fag would like to. You in the ass while you're on. You give him some roller skates and he's behind you. He's fucking in the ass. The Saturday Night Fever just on the way to work. We're just staying alive up the ass. You could be doing that fucking thing. What are those people doing? The Olympics with the skates and shit?

[Shalom]

No, the synchronized skating or something.

[Joey Diaz]

He's staying alive. He's just fucking with a. Got a whistle, a Judas Priest hat. Forget about it. Who's better than Lee with roller skates? I would pay to see two faggots fucking on roller skates.

[Shalom]

Yeah, I think so.

[Joey Diaz]

If you think this episode ain't gonna get 18 overrun.

[Shalom]

Oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, gu, if you're sick of this 18 and under shit, just go to Spotify and Apple. You know, we're trying our best, but obviously it's not working no more. They want to put us on 18 and under. We don't even smoke pot on the fucking show. We don't even play music. We've taken away so many fucking things because, you know, it's a shame.

[Shalom]

It's crazy how far YouTube has fallen.

[Joey Diaz]

So you could use music on Spotify. If you subscribe to Spotify. Yeah, you could use their music on a podcast or something. Yeah, there's something weird. So, you know, can we stream on Spotify or do anything?

[Shalom]

We can put video on there. I don't think they do live streaming yet.

[Joey Diaz]

This is, you know, you can't say what's in your heart no more, you know, And I'm not gonna sit here and amendments and, you know, the freedom of speech. That's okay. That's in my world. That's for comics that want to just make something up. We're Avengers. Yeah. Okay, good. You haven't paid your taxes in three years. But you're trying to fucking normalize life by fucking saying some fucking amendment or something. I don't even know what the fucking thing is.

[Shalom]

But, dude, it's crazy because think about it, when we started podcasting, whatever it.

[Joey Diaz]

Was, we were each other on fire, farting, oh my God, we were doing everything. And then something happened. And listen, this is what it is now. I'm not mad. At YouTube. They went, Corporate rules tightened up and this is the way it's going to be.

[Shalom]

It is. But it's also like, because I, I don't know if you knew this. YouTube right now is the number one pot. It's the number one place in the world where people watch, like watch and listen to podcast and people. The reason why people love podcasts is because of the host. They have a relationship with them. And podcasts like ours started like that. We're the reason why podcast, like YouTube is up so high. I mean, yeah, a lot of it, but. And then for them to like be so short sighted, like, yeah, I understand if you want those to be 18 plus. But don't hide us. Don't not tell people that we put up a video. We're not even doing anything that crazy. It's so wild where things have gone.

[Joey Diaz]

And then, you know what the consumer doesn't understand is they watch an old podcast and they watch one of these and they go, these guys changed. We didn't change. We didn't change. Just the rules changed. You know, if there was no foul, no harm, no foul, guys, I'd have a three foot bong in here. I got one somewhere. I got the power one. Don't we have the power one with the fucking hoses and shit?

[Shalom]

Oh, shit.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, I mean, this is it, you know. Don't you think I like to talk about music? We had Dean on, we didn't even talk about music. Couldn't even put it on. Yeah, that's not us. It's not that we're lame. It's the rules that they listen. I spoke to my friend who has the highest podcast in the world and they 18 him over when they see pot smoke. So, you know, guys, this is the business. We have to find the platform. We could go nuts or maybe put one up like that once a week somewhere. We could just go nuts and, you know, naked women and whatever the fuck, you know, that's what I want to do. Yeah, I want to get some naked women in here. I want to get a guy and a girl in roller skate dancing and jumping around. You know me, dog I'm a freedom fighter. But this is bullshit.

[Shalom]

And it is like the old. You know what? Maybe we should put it up on pornhub. Because pornhub doesn't give a fuck about anything.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, but nobody wants to see me and you on pornhub.

[Shalom]

Can you imagine how disappointed they'd be?

[Joey Diaz]

You get home drunk, you're looking to jerk off, you pop up a site, and all of a sudden, that fucking headless head.

[Shalom]

My big head's right there.

[Joey Diaz]

Forget about it. That hadn't lighted on fire when it's in your head. That's it. Next time you promote a date, why.

[Shalom]

Do I want it to be on my head when it's on fire?

[Joey Diaz]

Because that's the best thing you could do. Like, you're sitting there, you have, like, a control in your hand, and you just. And light it up a little bit and watch the smoke come out. People will love it.

[Shalom]

Yeah, but my head will turn on fire.

[Joey Diaz]

Who gives a. I do. No hair. If you had hair, then you don't want your head on.

[Shalom]

Yeah, but if I had hair, then it would hide the burn spots.

[Joey Diaz]

Once a month from something. This summer you'll get something. You got to go to a Jacuzzi. The girls want to take you somewhere. You get the fucking dead.

[Shalom]

I haven't gotten spot. I haven't been in a Jacuzzi probably since then. And the other spots. If I don't wash my face, like, three times a day, I'm fucked. I don't know.

[Joey Diaz]

Washing your face three, four times a day?

[Shalom]

No, but was like. I bought, like, special shit.

[Joey Diaz]

Me, too. You have to.

[Shalom]

It's crazy. I never do that.

[Joey Diaz]

And it's not. So you scrub that dead skin off your face and let the new fucking face revital. God damn it. You know, I don't even go with the loofah no more. That's a ripoff. That's for white people. Fuck. No, I get the. I get shit that's coarse. And that's how I make my asshole one. I cut that in half and put it on a stick, and you rub your little muffler. Get that gunpowder out from around the side.

[Shalom]

You really need to start selling that. The asshole cleaner that you have.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm trying to patent it. So relax, don't give the fucking.

[Shalom]

I apologize.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't want the cat to get out of the bag here, but I get that hard. I've always loved those hard towels. And you scrub and you.

[Shalom]

Well, like SOS pads. What are you talking about?

[Joey Diaz]

No, no, no, no. Sos pads where you scrub your fucking balls with after a long night in Vegas. No, no, I'm talking about the hand towels. There's some that are very soft and there's some that are coarse, like a little coarser.

[Shalom]

You like hard ones?

[Joey Diaz]

I like. Because you want to get that dead skin off. That's what you're opting for. You want to exfoliate your legs. All that skin comes off. All that dead skin comes off. So you want to like my ears? Some girl tells me that my ears are very shiny. I love that. When people tell you your ears are shiny, that means you're fucking getting in there with that cloth and you're scrubbing it and it gives you a nice little shine. Then you put some cream on there.

[Shalom]

I had no. Dude, do you ever have a girl or a woman, like, wash you in the shower? It was one of the weirdest.

[Joey Diaz]

It was very nice.

[Shalom]

It was nice, but it was one of the weirdest things. Over the summer, when I was in Indiana, this girl I was hooking up with just, like, decided that she was like. And she loofahed me hard. Like it was.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, because she wanted to get the dead Jew germs off you and shit. That bitch is smart. When a bitch washes you because she knows you're a filthy motherfucker and she wants to make sure that asshole and those balls are clean before she puts her beautiful mouth on them.

[Shalom]

But no, it was after sex.

[Joey Diaz]

The what?

[Shalom]

It was after sex.

[Joey Diaz]

That's right. She doesn't want you to take her odor with her like a cat.

[Shalom]

Oh, my God, that was wild. I never had anybody do that before.

[Joey Diaz]

It's tremendous when a woman Beijing, you just sit there, but by the time they go to bathe your knees, you get a hard on, it's all over. You know what I'm saying? They never get to your feet, those women. They never get under your knees. Once they bend over, you see the head in the area? Your dick just gradually stands up like a Ouija board. Like one of those fucking Indian sticks, you know? What are you gonna do? Then it's all over. They never get to do your feet. Anyway, back to the migrants with the backpacks.

[Shalom]

Okay?

[Joey Diaz]

What the fuck? Why do they have backpacks? Can somebody please fix this microphone? No, don't get up. It's just a joke. I don't want to talk about the migrants with backpacks either. I don't know what they carry in those things. They brought those from Mexico.

[Shalom]

They must have some food in there. You would think like, they could probably set up a taco stand pretty quickly anyway.

[Joey Diaz]

They can set up. They have no knives. There's no pots.

[Shalom]

They definitely have knives.

[Joey Diaz]

No, they. Well, they're Spanish. They definitely have some type of knife, but I don't see a frying pan.

[Shalom]

Yeah, you're right. It's sort of like Oregon Trail. You don't see that.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, no, they're not going camping, these people. They're not campers or. They live in the mountains. These poor people. They jump through rivers and mountains and shit. They should be the real crossfitters, those motherfuckers.

[Shalom]

You're going to start a whole new fitness trend of, like, just send white people to cross over. The Mexican.

[Joey Diaz]

Great idea. Them, the migrant worker. 7 and 9. Every day you climb hills. You jump out of a burning building. You run away from fucking coyotes, away from more Mexican people. They chase you in Central Park. That's got to be good. You fucking. They throw you in a mud bud and you got to see if the. Every time you see a green truck, you gotta dive on the floor and shit and do a burpee. Every time you see an amigra truck, you gotta do a burpee. That's fucking. That's a good idea, guys. Don't be stealing my idea. Immigrant fitness, that shit is on fire. It work out. That's everything.

[Shalom]

Yeah. You could have George Perez be the trainer.

[Joey Diaz]

That's right. You have to run the fucking hills with the backpack, right? Come on, dog. I'm always thinking, thank God I smoke weed. I'm always.

[Shalom]

You could have one for each country. Could have a different workout. If you think about it, the Cubans could have swimming migrant Olympics. The migrant Olympics.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, my God, that's even better. And those Hondurans in that jail, they just go to live or die. It's like a Spanish squid game for those fucking. They just sit there all day with. Fuck. They just sit there all day with underwear and tattoos and hugging each other.

[Shalom]

You see that?

[Joey Diaz]

You see those poor little fucking people in that jail? They just sit there, 50 fucking Mexicans sniffing each other's farts with their legs open in between each other. That's demoralizing. Yeah, that system is meant to break, you motherfucker.

[Shalom]

And dude, have you seen that system.

[Joey Diaz]

Is meant to break. It's like a Cuban jail. No clothes on. You want to shit, shit in that hole in the floor. Paper. Toilet paper. Ha ha. Good luck. That's why those two hands are for.

[Shalom]

Oh, my God, are you serious?

[Joey Diaz]

And moro. Fuck yeah, dog.

[Shalom]

You've told me about the shitting and.

[Joey Diaz]

All, you know, it's like when these people come here, Russians, you go slobbings. All these people, they go to our prisons. They're like, are you kidding me? This is Club Med. You got to fight for your food in those prisons. There's no food. They. They throw out, like, a chicken leg. And there's eight guys in there. Somebody's dying that.

[Shalom]

Have you seen. I think I forget if it was Mexico or somewhere, but, like, they were just on, like, the gangsters, like the cartel or whatever still runs the prison. Yeah, like, they have. One of them had, like, their families were still there. That's wild. I can't imagine. What about, like, going to, like, a country like that and going to prison there just by accident if you were on vacation.

[Joey Diaz]

Well, I wouldn't wish down anybody. Oh, I wouldn't wish on anybody. That's when people say to me, I'm leaving the country. Listen, don't buy no coke. Don't buy no weed from a Chinaman. You know, Thailand. Don't they kill you one of those? Yeah, one of those. They just kill you to death. And you don't know.

[Shalom]

I think it's the Philippines.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, I'm not in the mood for none of that shit. I know what happens here. And nobody's gonna throw me in jail for smoking dope here. Nobody's gonna hit me in the knees. And you take Joey. You're shallow. I am. Cause I don't want to get in trouble. I'm the kiss of death. All I do is go to a fucking hotel. The guy pushes me. I say something. Next thing you know, I'm getting beheaded. And I'm doing 50 years. And the government's on TV begging for me. Nobody wants me. You know, the Cubans, the Pope will fee. Let Joe Diaz live. I don't need this.

[Shalom]

You don't think the government would come and try to exchange you?

[Joey Diaz]

Dawg, the government don't give two fucks about you. That's why I was talking about Russ Perot the other day, cuz, when his fucking people got kidnapped. His employees. He got a guy that was retired to train his other employees to save the ones that were locked in. And he made a promise to their families to have them back by Christmas Day. And he did.

[Shalom]

Really.

[Joey Diaz]

And that's why, in my world, I like Americans like Ross Perot. Because everybody else will tell you a fucking story. Kissinger was trying to block him. He went around Kissinger, he was like, fuck this. My people are not Gonna spend the holidays in that fucking Iranian jail.

[Shalom]

Oh, that was the Iranian Contra thing or whatever.

[Joey Diaz]

Well, this was more like that Ben Affleck movie. No, I don't think it was the. Maybe it was. Maybe it was, but they were something else, weren't they?

[Shalom]

I'm not really good at.

[Joey Diaz]

I forget. Yeah, I forget what that was. I'll find. I gotta get that book again. I read that book in prison. The Ross Perot story on Wings of Eagles. That's the name of the book. They made a series on NBC. Three part series on NBC. I was already locked in jail.

[Shalom]

I'm gonna have to go look.

[Joey Diaz]

That jail didn't have NBC, you know what I'm saying? So.

[Shalom]

That's fucked up. So he was just a business owner, Russ Perot?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. He did something oil. Don't quote him.

[Shalom]

No, I'll have to look it up.

[Joey Diaz]

He's a Texas guy.

[Shalom]

Oh, of course.

[Joey Diaz]

And they went over there to do something. They held him and he promised the family he'd be home by Christmas. And he did it. He let his own people break into the fucking jail over there with that dude. He was supposed to be like a Marlon Brando and Apocalypse now type of guy.

[Shalom]

Oh, fuck. Okay. Jesus Christ.

[Joey Diaz]

One of those commando type motherfuckers. Very interesting. Did you. I forget if I. Yeah, he ran for president. He lost to Clinton.

[Shalom]

I thought I knew the name, so I didn't realize he was a business guy.

[Joey Diaz]

He would come out and go, these guys are paying for this with your money. I'm paying for this with my money. Because he was. We looked it up on the Rogan podcast. He was worth a couple billion, dude.

[Shalom]

I like him a lot.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, he was tough. He had big ears and shit. Tough, tough little guy. He fucking meant what he said and he said what he meant. Old school American old school. Fucking dude from Texas. Just old school. This is old school. When they say something to you, they fucking do it.

[Shalom]

I can't imagine getting like your employee out of fucking prison.

[Joey Diaz]

Well, I got two old guys that. I would live like them if I had that money. Him and that other dude that married the fucking Playboy bunny when he was 90. That'd be me if I had all that money and my wife was dead.

[Shalom]

The one who died like a week later or whatever it was.

[Joey Diaz]

Whatever.

[Shalom]

And Nicole Schmidt, he had a.

[Joey Diaz]

Sucked his dick one time. I don't think they had Viagra then. That's the problem. Like, he couldn't put it to the test. But with that kind of money, I'll go To New York and make them give me an implant that squirts and fucking things come out of the ceiling and fireworks. That type of shit. Oh yeah, I'm having a good time. That.

[Shalom]

So those are the only two options for you. Either you're going to be like a. A guy training his employees to save his other.

[Joey Diaz]

No, I don't have parole money. I'm just saying if I did have parole money, right. I would live like he lived. He just. But I also liked Marshall, that was his name, Edgar Marshall or something like that. Marshall, that's the guy. Yeah. I would go that way old. The guy had blood spots on his head. He went into a strip club, he saw and he just fell in love with it. Gave it like a diamond ring. When you could give a woman something and not even miss it.

[Shalom]

Oh my God.

[Joey Diaz]

Like when I could take 2 million out to buy a woman something and it doesn't even put a crack in my account.

[Shalom]

And even if it did, at his. He knew he was dying. He was like, I'm gonna have a fun. Whatever it was.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm gonna die my way.

[Shalom]

Yeah. Why?

[Joey Diaz]

Your rules. I'm not gonna die sitting in a room with ukuleles and priests taking my money. I'm going to get myself a big fat fucking looking blonde with a big ass and big titties.

[Shalom]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Who doesn't have a conscience and wants to live comfortably for the rest of her life. Like, listen, man, I'll give you my $60 million fortune, but you're going to suck dick until I drop. When I drop, you're going to be licking my nutsack with fucking whipped cream on it.

[Shalom]

And good for her. How much? Like I, I think that's worth it.

[Joey Diaz]

Fuck yeah. To suck an old dick and to have 60 million. And then at the end she got nothing.

[Shalom]

She really got nothing. I didn't follow the son.

[Joey Diaz]

The son took everything. Some that son, they got pissed. They're like, we don't think he was in the right mental stroke. Which he wasn't. He's 90 and she's putting that 23 year old monkey in his face that smells like barbecue chicken and God knows what else. Forget about it. He's like, I think he was in.

[Shalom]

The exact right mental state his kids weren't. Probably weren't helping him, hanging around, visiting him like once a month or something.

[Joey Diaz]

The dude did that from the. What was that? Team when the guy told her she couldn't date black people.

[Shalom]

The Clippers.

[Joey Diaz]

The Clippers. He was old too. He just fucking said, I'M getting myself a young chick. You know what? I don't get a hard on, but it's better than looking at my old fat wife. I'm gonna get her to dance for me with bikinis on and shit.

[Shalom]

I think women are doing it too. Aren't they doing it now? Like, you hear. I hear a lot of, like, maybe not as big of an age difference, but like women are going for like 20 year old guys. When 50 to 20. I would do it, dude.

[Joey Diaz]

I love an older woman. I always have. There's a woman today, I saw the dentist this morning who had to be 58, 59, just stunning. Still had a little body, still had cute little feet. You know, usually when their feet start going, that's it. When they start getting those bunions and it goes crooked and shit, Right?

[Shalom]

But dude, if you're in your 60s.

[Joey Diaz]

But you gotta see my feet. There ain't no fucking. There ain't no fucking. There ain't no portrait of Europe either. I was looking at my feet the other night. That's not. I have to go like a foot specialist and they gotta start from scratch. They gotta pull nails off.

[Shalom]

They have to pull nails off.

[Joey Diaz]

It's that bad. I got a nail that points up, like it goes north. Now, what did you do to your feet? I don't know. I don't. Listen, this fungi thing, I've done everything. And every time I eat mushrooms, they grow like, I think the mushrooms from the fucking mushrooms go into my toenails. Because the other night I buffed them out and I got high in the room. I was seeing shit. I buff them out and it lands on my finger. And you gotta smell that finger. It is God awful.

[Shalom]

So you get secondhand smoke from your toenail dust.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, yeah, that is up. And I sprinkle them on the edibles and I give them to you, so.

[Shalom]

I know you do. You keep saying. He keeps giving me these coconut ones that have this white powder on it.

[Joey Diaz]

That's it.

[Shalom]

That look like they were like you.

[Joey Diaz]

Packaged them and it had a weird taste to it.

[Shalom]

Yeah, they usually like their sugar. They don't taste like sugar.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, that was like, you know, the neptotine, whatever they put.

[Shalom]

Oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

The sugar substitute.

[Shalom]

Oh, my God. Fucking crazy, dude.

[Joey Diaz]

What are you gonna do? We're getting older, you know. Yeah, but my feet are fucked up. I mean, I looked at them the other day. I put cream on them. I got like blood spots. It's a nightmare. Like, if I ever turn 90 and get a 16 year old girlfriend, whatever that dude is doing. 23 year old girlfriend. I'm have to get my dick sucked with socks on. You know how embarrassing that is? You don't like doing that with socks on? The backpack? No.

[Shalom]

Look at Bill Belichick. He's 73, she's 24.

[Joey Diaz]

No, that's abuse. That's abuse.

[Shalom]

Dude, she has a joke.

[Joey Diaz]

This is a joke here, okay? This is a joke. I don't think I could show my balls to a year. Listen, if you're 55, yeah, you can look at my balls. That's what you see every day of your life when you're 55, but when you're 26, you don't deserve that as a woman.

[Shalom]

She's running for Miss America, but she's as Miss New Hampshire or Miss Maine, one of those two. I just read she has a job at the University of North Carolina.

[Joey Diaz]

Right? He got her a job and she.

[Shalom]

Was in the Dunkin Donuts super bowl commercial.

[Joey Diaz]

Right? Because he put her in there. Not because.

[Shalom]

Exactly. So I'm saying. So it's a fucking balls must not be that bad.

[Joey Diaz]

The what?

[Shalom]

His balls must not be that bad.

[Joey Diaz]

No, they are bad. That's why he has to get all those jobs for the stick around. He's giving us three different fucking incomes. Yeah, okay, so that's dog. It just doesn't look good. I know he's got a daughter or a son, so. And they have a hard time with that. Oh yeah, they have a hard time with that.

[Shalom]

He has multiple kids.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, so I mean, when you have a 24 year old girlfriend and your daughter is 38, you know, it just some shit that just doesn't look good.

[Shalom]

Obviously, I know you're married, nothing's ever going to change. But like, did you like. I had a rule when I was last single that I didn't want to go under 25. If in a different world at 62, what do you think? The youngest you would go is 45.

[Joey Diaz]

Okay, I have something to discuss with her, right? I have something to discuss. What am I gonna do with a third? Look, listen, 30 year olds are great. They're great, they're cute, they're silly. But come on, there's not a lot of 30 year olds that are gonna hold you every day that you're gonna hold the conversation with every day. Now you're going, joey, who the fuck are you kidding? You're in it for the blowjob. No, you don't, because I come in a minute, what am I gonna do for the other 23 fucking hours. Okay? I mean, that's how you have to look at it. I had a rule when I was younger. And as much people wanna know or not, when I was doing COKE in the 90s, before I met my wife, that whole nine year run, I had a rule, man, and it's a simple rule. Look at her and talk to her. If you could wake up to her in the morning, bring her home with you. But if she's gonna annoy the shit out of you, you might as well go home and jerk off. If she's already starting to get annoying late in the night and drunk and now she's gonna go back to your house, you're gonna be even drunker. Well, and then she's gonna pass out and you're not gonna get. Then you gotta wake up to her with that drama in the morning with that alcohol breath and God knows what else. Now you gotta give her a ride home and shit. Think about it. So after I was like 30, after I left Boulder, I had more control in my mind like that. I had more control of what am I getting myself involved in? Because when I left Boulder, it was. I was sleeping with women, but there was nothing. They called me at 2. Hey, do you have any blow? Yeah, can I come over? I have a blow. You know, some of them will call. Can I bring my girlfriend? No. Because then I gotta work two chubbies. You know what I'm saying? No.

[Shalom]

So did the rules change?

[Joey Diaz]

I enjoyed it. I enjoyed these girls calling you at 2 or you going to a bar and seeing them and going, hey, man, I got a gram of coke. And like, let's go back to your place. But after a while I got old because there was nothing there. I'd see them a week later and it was like nothing was there. And listen, everybody likes to have sex when they're coked up and shit. But it wasn't working for me anymore. I was fucking by the age of 32 when I left Boulder. I'm like, when I get a girlfriend, I'm getting a girlfriend. And I met a girl and I dated her for four years and it was okay. And then after that I went off for two years and again I was bumping into comedian chicks, you know, on the road, whatever. And I'm like, what the fuck am I doing again? Then I met Derry.

[Shalom]

Oh, I hated just dating for exactly the reason why you said it.

[Joey Diaz]

I like, Listen, do you want me to tell you what I like?

[Shalom]

Yes.

[Joey Diaz]

I like picking you up or you picking me up Smoking A joint, going and getting something to eat, going someplace else and getting a couple cocktails, talking a little bit. Listen, we all want to bang her the first night, of course, but then again, I mean, now people are banging in two nights. Listen, dude, people are banging in two or one night.

[Shalom]

They're banging in an hour.

[Joey Diaz]

In an hour, you know, so it's kind of very. I always liked working for it. I don't mind working for it. When something's too easy, you're not gonna do anything with her anyway. When a chick tells you I can't, I love to suck dick, you're not gonna get your dick sucked at all. That's just stupidity coming out of her fucking mouth. And then you, your little ears get clocked up. You're buying her drinks at the bar and next thing you know she leaves with a chubby dude with a missing foot and fucking. You're drinking that. You're like, I don't. Dude, I like the struggle. I like meeting a woman and talking to her and meeting her mom and talking to the mom and the dad. That's another thing. Talking to them and seeing what you're going on. And then, yeah, you want to eat their ass and have fun, that's something else. But at least you got something out of it. Even if it don't work tomorrow, when I see you next time, it's going to be cool. I didn't do it for a month. I didn't do it for six months and get anybody going or starting. There was just little things and it was just weird after I got married and divorced and then I went through that shit for two or three years of just coke chicks. Very seldom did I ask a chick out for dinner.

[Shalom]

You just didn't want to.

[Joey Diaz]

I didn't meet them in that capacity. I would always meet chicks out at night when they were doing coke. Nobody wanted to eat when they're doing coke. I can't even take it for a cheeseburger.

[Shalom]

And so none of those coke nights ever turned into like, hey, let's actually go and be in a relationship. Or all of those were like two or three times.

[Joey Diaz]

We'd hook up after that. Maybe I'd go to the house and smoke a joint. One day I was walking in the mountains and I would go by the house and smoke a joint or something. And then, you know, a week later she's at a show with some other dude. And then a week later they're calling me up going, hey, can I come over at 3:30? No. No. Yeah. What the Fuck, I'm sitting here with my dick in my hand. You might as well come over, right?

[Shalom]

But then like, they. Or do they even stay the night? Or are they just. As soon as some of them stay on their.

[Joey Diaz]

Some of them boogie the four or five in the morning, after the D was done, the coke was gone.

[Shalom]

Because what you said, I think, was exactly right. If you're annoyed with them or if they're not. If. If there's not someone you want to hang out with, it's always going to be bad. It's like, like what you were saying, like, of course guys want to get laid. I'm sure women do, too.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, they go out, they get dressed up, they did their toenails, their fingernails. They don't want to go out to talk to somebody about insurance.

[Shalom]

But that's different. That's different. Going to a club or a bar and hooking up, I think is different than the dating apps. And I. Yeah, yeah. Because if you hook up with me, I've had a couple women just come right over on the dating apps and none of them were anybody that I should have been with. And not like I was £300 late.

[Joey Diaz]

At night and you invite them to.

[Shalom]

Yeah, yeah, no, it was 100 on. I'm not blaming them, but I'm just.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, meet him at McDonald's and see if they order what they order. They order the fish sandwich. They smell like. Just keep going. You know what I'm saying?

[Shalom]

Dude, if I got in McDonald's, just come home. I do remember the. There was a girl you called Milkshake and she. She wants my other friend. Same girl, her nickname was Tater Tots because she Uber eats Tater Tots and then got into an Uber to my house. Like, people like. And at that point, I wasn't a.

[Joey Diaz]

Prize either, but eats Tater Tots.

[Shalom]

Oh, plenty of people.

[Joey Diaz]

That's some fucked up shit.

[Shalom]

Oh, yeah, they. The crazy one to me is Starbucks just getting coffee delivered.

[Joey Diaz]

I see that. And listen, man, people live in that world. I don't like nobody touching my shit, so I'm cool with it. It's really weird that I'm telling you guys this, because it's a true story. Like, when I met Terry, I was ready for Terry. I was so ready for Terry. I didn't get serious with Terry at all for like two months. It was sporadic. We did coffee. I would go to her house for lunch. I would see her at the Comedy Store at night. Some nights if she was working, I wouldn't go down There. Then I'd disappear for two weeks. I wasn't really with her in the beginning.

[Shalom]

You were like, building a friendship.

[Joey Diaz]

Yes and no. We were swapping spit, you know, Shit. But I still remember one, like, two months in, like. And this is when I knew. I go, I gotta get my life together. Two night, two months in, I finally started hooking up with her. And one night we met at Ralphie's house. I told her I wouldn't see her for a couple days, I was coming to New York. And I go, I'm not gonna see you for a few days, but I'll definitely see you when I get back. And she showed up at Ralphie's, like, 2:30 in the morning. She goes, you know what? I want to hang out with you a little more. And we hung out. We stayed up the whole night. And I'll never forget, I had maybe four cigarettes. That's the time I came through Denver and went behind the bar and just stole a pack of cigarettes from one of those coffee shops in the airport. That's how broke I was. I probably had four cigarettes, maybe a joint, maybe $20. And it was like a Tuesday night when I was leaving. It was her slowest night. Like, Wednesday night, she made like 35 bucks. She gave me the whole 35 bucks. And I go, what are you gonna do for the day? And she goes, I got change at the house, and I'm probably gonna sleep half the day anyway. And that's when I go, you know what? I gotta get my life together when I come back, I gotta start dating. She just gave me the last money out of her purse, the last pack of cigarettes she had, and she drove me to the airport.

[Shalom]

And. Dude.

[Joey Diaz]

And usually you're embarrassed in front of a girl.

[Shalom]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

If you need to do that, you're fucking embarrassed. Okay.

[Shalom]

And you didn't ask for it.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm sure I didn't ask for it.

[Shalom]

And like, just to, like, tie this back into what we started the podcast with, with like, your friend who was like, come buy me dinner for my birthday. That's why you married Terry. And, like. And it's like that kind of like. Yeah, I'm sure you must think about that all the time. I would.

[Joey Diaz]

All the time. All the time. How she gave me that money. And I remember coming to New York and going, I gotta get my life together. Like, this is something that she's okay, you know, I gotta do something. And after that, I think I moved in with her maybe a month or two after that. And she still Tells the story that when we got there, she goes, bring your clothes and your stuff. And I showed up with one bag. And she goes, where's the rest of your stuff? And I go, this is it. And she goes, don't you have a lamp, a radio, a tv, anything? And I'm like, no, this is it. I had a bag. Guys. Fuck. When I moved in with my wife, I had a fucking bag.

[Shalom]

And it probably wasn't that big. Like it was just a duffel bag, right?

[Joey Diaz]

It was a fucking army duffel bag. Four pair of pants, couple sweatshirts, a CD player, some socks, toothbrush, gel. I had no underwear. I couldn't afford them. Well, there was no underwear in those days. It was cocaine or underwear.

[Shalom]

I was gonna say you could have afforded.

[Joey Diaz]

What's window number two?

[Shalom]

Because by the way, underwear is like a one time expense. It doesn't have to be like a weekly. But still, you buy a couple packs.

[Joey Diaz]

Underwear, why waste the $8 on three of them? You know what I'm saying? $8 time every three months. That's what fucking every three months you're buying underwear? Yeah. Every three months you gotta buy underwear. You're disgusting. I got big balls. My fucking. You know. But there's a pic today, I saw a video of my balls. Somebody put it on Instagram. The one from the. When I took my balls off at the Comedy Store.

[Shalom]

Okay. Oh, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Still on YouTube, I got like 92 million hits. I haven't gotten a dime. Fucking balls. You know what I'm saying?

[Shalom]

Yeah. They probably demonetized it.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, they demonetized it. They kept all of my. I guarantee there's 20 ads on my balls. Fucking DB fucks. But yeah, man, that was. You know, it's weird that I'm about to have an anniversary with her this year and I've been thinking a lot about that. But we gotta cut to a break real quick. We're gonna talk to you about DraftKings Huell and Nicked. All right? We'll be right back. Cocksuckers. Hey. I wanna welcome Yul to the church family. Listen, if you want the taste of a real milkshake without the extra pounds of a milkshake you need Huel. Huel is a complete meal in a bottle that tastes just like a milkshake. But it's good for you. It has 35 grams of protein, 27 vitamins and minerals to keep you going all day long. Me, I love the chocolate. I haven't tasted the vanilla yet, but the chocolate is scrumptilicious. You know what I'm saying? Choose between chocolate and vanilla because both of them are incredible. Join the community of hooligans with this exclusive offer for new customers. Okay, 15% off plus a free gift when you press in. Code church c h u r c h.com Again, 15% off plus a free Gift for new customers with code churchul.com See our show notes for terms and conditions. But do me a favor. Unlock a healthier, easier way to eat with Hugh. You're on a run. You're on a move. You're the real deal. You ain't got time to cook. 35 grams of protein, 27 minerals and vitamins. Nutritionally complete meals in minutes so you can focus on what really matters. Yo, DraftKings. Get excited because the NBA playoffs are here. If you're looking to score some cash, try your hand at DraftKingsportsbook, an official sports betting partner of the NBA. If it doesn't have to be crazy, just start out by placing a bet on your favorite player's performance. Like tonight, I got whatever to do. Over 25 points. Not bad. Think they'll drop 30? Put your money where your mouth is. You could win big. Listen, you know me. I love DraftKings. The same game, Parlay NBA. They got the pool, you got the casino. It don't stop. You got to check this out. They got something special for first timers. You ready? New DraftKings customers right now. New people, you're going to bet $5 to get your 200 in bonus bets. Just like that. 200 bonus bets instantly is a lot of money during NBA playoff time. So make it to a playoff run. To remember with DraftKings, download the DraftKings sportsbook app right now and press code Joey J O E Y. That's code Joey J O E Y. For new customers to get 200 in bonus bets when you bet just five bucks instantly only at DraftKings, where the crown is yours.

[Shalom]

Gambling problem. Call 1-800-GAMBLER in New York. Call 877-8-HOPENY or text hopeny467-369 in Connecticut. Help is available for problem gambling. Call 888-78-9-7777 or visit ccpg.org Please play responsibly on behalf of Boot Hill Casino and Resort in Kansas, 21 and over. Agent eligibility varies by jurisdiction. Void in Ontario, new customers only. Bonus bets expire 168 hours after issuance. For additional terms and responsible gaming resources, see DKNG co audio.

[Joey Diaz]

What's happening, beautiful people? Uncle Joey here for Nick Listen, if you want the easiest way to get that nicotine fix, Nick Pouches is where it's at. They're made with natural coconut fibers so they're not going to slice up your gums. And they come in a bunch of great flavors like strawberry watermelon ice, which is tremendous. Wintergreen and berry lemon ice. Me, I like the berry lemonade. Tremendous. You get to choose your nicotine strength whether you want 3, 6 or 12. Are you kidding me or what? Nic has you covered. Coming soon. They even got an option with 0 milligrams of nicotine. So if you're trying to come back, if you're trying to cut back, use one of those every so often. Now listen, I love this berry ice. You put it under here. Mmm, Heaven. It's time to upgrade to nic nicotine pouches just like I did right now. Church listeners, get 35% off when you order through my link. Nykdpouches.com church again nykdpouches.com church use this code up to three times. Don't wait. Get 35% off now of Nick pouches nykdpouches.com Church and check out the Church Bundle with some of Uncle Joey's favorite flavors. That's right. Nykdpouches.com Church again. Remember, NYKD products are only for adults of legal age. Every order is age verified, so don't try it. Also, this product contains nicotine, but you already know that because nicotine is an addictive chemical. How's that for you? Right now get some NIC products and get the party started. We're back in black. You know, I was talking before the breakabout that this year, this June will be 25 years. I'm with that crazy woman.

[Shalom]

That's crazy.

[Joey Diaz]

25, 25 years. When she mentioned it to me like two months ago, what are we doing for anniversary? I'm like, what anniversary? And she's like, july. We've been together 25 years, Joe. And it destroyed my insides. I'm like, how the fuck did I last 25 years with a woman? I never thought I could make it past four years. Like I lasted four years with my ex wife. I lasted four years with the girl after that. You know, I was a four year man.

[Shalom]

I got, I mean and I love you and I. But do you ever think because like for Terry to put, like to deal with because Joey Diaz 24 hours a day, like that's 25 years, like that's a. I don't think a lot of people would have Made it like it. And you're in your great house.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm not saying you do anything wrong as you think. It's not like it's.

[Shalom]

I'm not saying you're. But I'm just saying it's to last any. For anybody to last. But, you know, like, you've talked. And this is not. Not a negative thing about you at all, but you've talked about, like, especially at the beginning, how wild you were to last through those years. It's not easy.

[Joey Diaz]

For seven years, she didn't know if I was coming home or not.

[Shalom]

That's crazy.

[Joey Diaz]

Cause even when I was home, she's like, when is this motherfucker? When is the phone gonna ring? And when is he gonna leave again? She used to get really upset, like, you were home at 12. When I went to bed, you were home. I got up at 7 to go to work, and you were not home.

[Shalom]

Where would you go?

[Joey Diaz]

I would fucking go out in Hollywood.

[Shalom]

You just didn't like being home or.

[Joey Diaz]

Like, dog, I had a drug problem.

[Shalom]

Oh, okay.

[Joey Diaz]

When you have a drug problem, you don't want to be a fucking home. I would bring the drugs home, do them, and then go, what am I doing here? I got to get out of here. And I'd get back, wait till I sober up a little bit, make some calls, and get the fuck out of there. And in those days, there was always somebody up in Hollywood. Always. I had a friend over on whatever. She was a drunk, and there'd be people over there. She went to the bar. So at 3, she'd go home hammered and bring gay guys over there, and they'd be doing coke and shit. And I'd slip by there. I had a couple Mike Favormans. I'd slip by his house at 2. In those days, there was always action. The guys at the store would hook up again at 2 and go to some parties and shit. And I would let them know, and they would call me. It was a different world then. And then, like, by 2005, the paranoia started hitting me different. I wasn't going out after I got home at night. It slowed down a lot. Then I got off of the 2007. The rest was. But it's funny, I was thinking about that neighborhood that one night I went downstairs to meet my. I had three dealers at the time. I didn't want them to know what I was doing. I didn't want them to know how much I was doing. So I would go to all three of them instead of just sticking to one and the guy at night, he was a bartender. His name was Johnny Blade. I used to call him Johnny Blade. And he would come over on a motorcycle. He got out of work at 2. He'd be by my house like 2:25. I could time him every night because it was two blocks away. And I'd be downstairs. And I remember one night, I'm waiting for him. And I'm out there on the steps and I'm looking, and there used to be a light. Not on my block, by the ymca, but down the block, there was a light. And I'm looking at this light, and I'm looking at this car. The light turns red, and he's in no danger of stopping. I could hear the engine going. And he's like. And he blew fast me. And not two seconds after the car was chasing him, he was shooting with a gun, and you could hear the bullets. And you pow, pow. And I'm out there, fucking. Maybe I should go inside. Fuck, no. I'm waiting for my coke. I don't give a fuck who gets shot.

[Shalom]

Holy shit.

[Joey Diaz]

Like, that neighborhood used to be fucking insane. So that's what I'm saying to you. I was out. I would go to Sergio's house. Sergio always had parties. Late night over there. He would fall asleep and I'd take the coke out of his pocket. And then he called me in the morning. What happened, man? I had an eight ball in my pocket. Somebody took it out. That chick, that white chicken. Blame it on her. It was just a different fucking world. Hollywood, back then. I would do spots at the store. And that's where the party started, right? It was at the store where the party originated, you know, and in those days, I mean.

[Shalom]

And like. And meanwhile, you're, like, starting a relationship with Terry. So, yeah, I mean, that. And then there's been a few different phases. Because then, like, you stopped doing coke.

[Joey Diaz]

Terry was phases. Because I still remember Terry waking me up one morning, like after breakfast and going, I need to talk to you. And those days, Marilyn Martinez would call the house every night at three in the morning, like, just to see. In those days, Dice used to call the house at three in the morning.

[Shalom]

And was it a house phone or a cell phone?

[Joey Diaz]

It was a house phone. So the whole house would ring. And one night I wasn't home, and Marilyn called at 3 in the morning. And when my wife answered, she goes, cocksucker. And Terry fucking blew a gasket. My wife loved Marilyn, God rest her soul. But she kind of got a little like, you know, at Three in the morning.

[Shalom]

Cocksucker's a little bit much.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. And the next morning, we had breakfast and she's like, I gotta talk to you about something. She goes, you know, I've dated guys, but this is fucking insane, Joey. Phone rings. You gotta go out fights at the Comedy Store. Fucking that was the heyday of the Comedy Store. She was watching everything. Remember I would host on Sunday nights? So she was watching everything. There was always a dilemma up there. There was always an argument. I was always torturing those fucking guys. And she would deal with all this. She would have to deal with all this shit, you know? And, you know, there was a lot of times when you're at the Comedy Store, man, you're at the fucking Comedy Store, you do a set, you get off, women are going to talk to you. And the other waitress running and go, joey's talking to a girl in the hallway. If I was talking. Even if I was talking to her outside, I'm talking in the hallway. So she would know. That's why my wife don't give a fuck about nothing now. Because my wife was at the store those first four years and she saw it. She saw it. She saw the life of a comic, and then she came home with me. So she saw the life of a comic from the inside out. Like, she saw it and she understood it and she heard about what the other comics were doing. And then she just left me the fuck alone. And till this day, I have, as a husband, I have one of the longest ropes in the world. If I call my wife right now and go, hey, I'm not coming home tonight, I'm gonna stay at the office, she wouldn't say nothing to me. She trusts me that much. So she would go, okay, just be careful tonight. You're gonna go out. No. If you go out drinking, we don't even talk about drinking, right? But there's no. Like, she doesn't. She walked into Osteria one night, I was talking to two women, and she came right over. I introduced them. The women were like, oh, my God. You know, she knows. She fucking knows. I tell her pretty much everything. Even though if it. Sometimes it takes me a week or two, you know what I'm saying? But I still tell her. I still tell her, and she giggles and, you know, she likes it. I tell her about stupid chicks and she fucking giggles. And she's been with me, dog. She was with me at dinner one night when a fucking girl said something to me and she was pissed. She was like, how dare that woman Say that in front of me.

[Shalom]

A girl hit on you in front of your wife? Oh, yeah, and she's alive.

[Joey Diaz]

We were at a big restaurant. The girls were there, kids there and shit. And I got up to go to the bathroom, and when I was coming out, there was two girls. They're like, we take a picture. So my wife was going to the bathroom with the girls, and my wife heard the whole fucking thing. I even said to my wife, honey, I'm gonna take a picture and get to the table. She goes, don't worry. I gotta go into the thing with one of the girls and the mom. And as she was walking, that's when the girl said it in my ear. Said something really, like, out of control. Like, I don't. I would just. I just sat there and go, this is a confused girl. I show him my balls. She's going to faint three times and gag. But she had to be a prostitute. She was really good looking, very flamboyant. She looked like she was a prostitute.

[Shalom]

If she's talking to. If she's talking about that stuff with your wife right next to you.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, yeah, she's something like they say crazy shit. My wife giggles. You know, you got to remember, the people I hang out with in my neighborhood are women. I hang out with two women, pretty much in my neighborhood.

[Shalom]

You always hang out with women.

[Joey Diaz]

They're both married. I have a great time with them. I made one. My partner. I made little stupid videos for Goalie and shit.

[Shalom]

Oh, yeah, Steve's wife, of course.

[Joey Diaz]

And then Ravioli. I always talk to Ravioli every two days about something.

[Shalom]

You know what I don't think we've ever talked about. How did you feel about dating her when she was. When she worked at the store? Because that doesn't seem like something you would allow.

[Joey Diaz]

Not something that I wouldn't allow.

[Shalom]

Just for yourself personally, like just dating someone where you work there.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, I had been going to the. When I met Terry, I'd been going to the store for three years. I was a regular there. Never really had any drama in there. I know rules. There's rules of comedy, especially on the road. Rule number one is don't hit on the waitress on me road. Even if they like you, don't hit on them because that club owner watches everything and he's eventually going to fire her. And then you're not going to be able to go there, especially as a feature act, because feature acts are wild. When I was a feature act, I had to do 30 minutes and just hang out by the bathroom.

[Shalom]

You hang out by the bathroom?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. And wait for girls to come over. Hi. That was funny. Oh, my God. You know, and they start. Especially when I opened for Rogan.

[Shalom]

Wow. Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Just. They would come up to you. Oh, my God. Can you introduce me to Rogan? Yeah. But you know, I'm just saying that it was. It was. When you're a feature act, you're buck wild. You make mistakes, man.

[Shalom]

Right.

[Joey Diaz]

And I made them. And I never went back to those clubs. And they would make a thousand excuses. But at the end of the day, I knew why. I did coke with a waitress. I slept with a waitress. There's just little rules, you know? And I wasn't paying attention to her. I love to tell you. You know, I was paying attention in those days. I didn't give a fuck. If it wasn't the improv or fucking a theater, I didn't give a fuck. I would never think. I never thought I was gonna get back. So I wouldn't mind burning the bridge from time to time. But back to your question, which is a very interesting question. When I saw Terry, there was something about Terri. I liked her eyes. And we started talking and I was, like, off the kilter. And that's why I was, like, hitting on her kind of lightly, because I know Mitzi didn't allow it. I know Mitzi didn't allow it, and she didn't like it. But if you were in already and she found out, she wouldn't care.

[Shalom]

Right? She's not here.

[Joey Diaz]

She didn't find out that we were already living together. It was too late. I already told Mitchie we're living together. Oh.

[Shalom]

Would she have been mad if she found out? Not from you.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah.

[Shalom]

That's wild. That's crazy, that. That's a whole nother thing.

[Joey Diaz]

I didn't like it either. Listen, if you think I like dating a girl that I live with at the fucking Comedy Store, you're fucking crazy. Yeah, but in reality, it kept an eye on me, right? It watched over my career because I could have made a bad mistake those years. And she was right there to justify it or go no. And it was funny. After she started working at the store, there was still some nights of craziness, don't get me wrong, some stuff that she saw. Not from me, not from me. So she started understanding the game more. And then she would put labels on, like, if that happens to you, Joey, she's not. You know, we would discuss it. So she got to see that also the craziness was women in the audience, when they're there with a man and they come up to you and go and fuck you upstairs and then go back and sit with that man. That never happened to me, but it happened at the store. It's a reality that it fucking happened. So listen, I don't know how it worked. There's days I'm like, fucking 25 years. And a kid. And a kid. I had a woman who ran from me. When we got divorced, she fucking ran like her asshole was on five. Ran. Talked about me. Fucking tortured me in the courtroom. Tortured me in life. I took a beating. I didn't ever want to get married, and I didn't ever want to have a child again. But I met Terry and then the relationship, I was like, this ain't gonna last. This ain't gonna last because I'm a fucking animal. At that time, I was out there where the buses don't run. But she. Yeah, she calmed me down a little bit. And then I got off the coke. And then like a year after I got off the coke, there were some problems at the house. She was like, I'm getting old and nothing's happening here. And I was like, I told you when we hooked up, there's no marriage in this fucking house. I already did it. I failed. No reason to do it again. Once you fail at something like that, like marriage, like, I failed the most basic thing you could fail at. Communication. That's basic. Communication is basic. And we get together with women for different reasons. And yes, it's okay if you don't like somebody after eight fucking years. It's okay. There's nothing wrong with you. But in that situation, I failed because I had everything in front of me. I had a job with her. I liked her family. But I also wanted to do fucking comedy. I also wanted to do comedy in a bad way. There was no way I was gonna go fucking sell roofs for the rest of my life. I had to at least know that I failed at comedy. And then I would go back to a job happily. But there was no way at that age I wasn't going to get into comedy. It had been on my mind for too long, you know?

[Shalom]

Right. And then, you know, I. Because I don't think. I don't necessarily think you fail, you know, it wasn't a great end to the relationship, but I think it's great. I think. I think it's better. I honestly think it's better to break up than to stick around for the kids.

[Joey Diaz]

I see it now. I see it now. When I go to softball games. Parents who don't communicate. The kid knows 100%. The fucking kid always knows. So in my house, just listen when you walk in my house, especially with my daughter and shit. I wanted my house to be completely opposite of the house I grew up in. We all do, right? We're like, I didn't like that about my house. I didn't like that about my house. And I didn't like that about my house. If I get a house someday, it's gonna be different. And that's what I've done with this house. And one of the things is like a. No pressure. Like, we don't have to get up at 8 and everybody has to jump in the shower. And you run out of hot water. Like, she gets up, let her jump in the shower. Then my wife and I lurk. I lurk till about 9 o'clock. Then I jump in. I get out of there nine, 10 after nine. So that takes a lot of stress. There's just little things that. Nobody drinks in the house. Nobody drinks alcohol in that house. So there's no fucking arguments. There's no drunk talk. There's none of that shit in my fucking house. I smoke dope in the garage. Or sometimes I go outside in front of the car, you know, nothing's in my fucking house. Like, I don't want no smoke upstairs. I don't want. You know, you have to. This is what I have to do to maintain this house. With a daughter in the house.

[Shalom]

Would it be different with a son?

[Joey Diaz]

Yes and no. You still have a child in the house, right? So there's certain. A certain way you have to act when you have this child in the house, you know, I don't want to smoke pot in my living room. No, I'd rather she don't see me. And she have her suspicions, maybe have her suspicions. I'd rather her do that. And she knows, right? She told me when she knows where my stache is. But I don't want it to be the Grateful Dead in my house with a bunch of fucking people drunk. That was never gonna happen.

[Shalom]

No, dude. And it's crazy. Cause I have this written down. Another word I would use for what you're talking about, I think you've used it before, is peace.

[Joey Diaz]

Peace.

[Shalom]

It's crazy how much of a difference that has. When you have like a peaceful life. How much of a difference makes in their whole life.

[Joey Diaz]

When I tell you, George, Nick, my wife Christina, that I love you. When somebody tells you they love you, like what the Fuck. What are we, gay? What are we, faggots? No, that's a promise that I'm never going to bring stress into your life. That's a promise that a cop's not gonna call you at three in the morning. Go, George, come bail him out. You know, all the things that would upset George would upset you. I had to do that. When you tell people you love them, I'm not gonna put no drama in your fucking life. Nobody's gonna knock on your door, go, Joey. Kill somebody at 3 in the morning. You know, come down to the state. No, no, no, no. If anything, I'm here to help you, you know, if anything. And if I don't have it, we'll get it. We'll figure it the fuck out. George knows. I'll climb through a fucking window. George saw me on a Friday, took a stereo with the fucking Social Security check. He knows, George knows. Don't fucking test me, motherfucker. Cause I'll take it. I'll take everything. I'm an old school fucking thief. I will take everything. You understand me? But nobody's gonna starve in my camp.

[Shalom]

No.

[Joey Diaz]

Not in these days. Not no more. Not like when we did. Nobody's gonna fucking start. We'll steal it. I don't give a fuck. What are they gonna do, throw you in jail? No, they won't. No, they won't. You know what I'm saying?

[Shalom]

They might.

[Joey Diaz]

Who gives a. But that's really it, man. 25 fucking years. A long time to be with a woman. And listen, man, I love her just the same in the beginning. Even more now. Now we just giggle and shit. It's great now you know each other. I smell her farts. She can't tolerate mine. You know what I'm saying?

[Shalom]

25 years.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, that's 25 years. And when you heard that about people, like people have been together 30 years, they're like, that's never gonna happen to me. I'm gonna be with the same fucking pussy for 30 years and look at it turn gray and old. Nah, dog, it's an adventure. It gets better. Everything gets better.

[Shalom]

That's cool. And especially because it happened. Like, there's probably a lot of people listening who, like, you know, had a marriage fail or. Really everyone's had a relationship fail.

[Joey Diaz]

We all have shit. But you know what I always believe that God didn't put you here to die by yourself. There's an ass for every seat. Remember Dale Jones used to say that? There's an ass for every fucking seat, okay? And I. You know, women panic. Women are the worst. Women are the fucking worst. Because once they hit 34, they think, this is it. I gotta meet this guy. Then they meet a guy that's the worst one they've ever met. But they don't see a sheep. What's that expression? A wolf in sheep's clothing. Because they're so overwhelmed with the child and the fucking marriage and, you know, pigeons. And my cousin's coming in from Hialeah, you know, and they don't. And that's the biggest mistake they make. Now they're 43, still looking good with two fucking kids, and that bum ain't paying child support, and he sees the kids once a week. So you ended off in a worse position than you were by not just getting dick. It's like, my friend's mom, my dear friend, called me and we were talking about her daughter. 34. I'm the 20th boyfriend, you know? And you're like, after a while, you gotta say to yourself, wait a second. This pussy is making some horrible fucking choices. I'm gonna get off the pussy, the dick for one year. I'm gonna get off the dick like what I did get off the pussy for a year. Just to focus you, to make you realize what you really want in a woman or in a man before you make a bad fucking mistake. We've all made mistakes where in our mind, this is going to be it. I'm going to marry her pigeons. I'm going to live like a doctor. No, it's not always that way. It's not always that way because you went with a preconceived notion. It happens to men and it happens to women. When you're 34 and you want to get married as a man and you've been dating whores all your life that cheat on you, fuck your brother, steal your car and crash it, you gotta change dicks. You have to look at it from a different perspective and go, you know what? I'm not gonna date a woman for a year. No more fucking websites. No more. None. I'm taking a year off from pussy to make me really realize and build the woman or the man I want in my head to pop up next time. I know what I want, and this is what I'm looking for. Yeah, everybody wants a chick with fake tits who can suck a dick. Listen, three years in, you don't make the car payment. Those bitches are gone to another guy who'll fucking pay for their tits. And I always learned something from Bruce Lee. Bruce Lee. Was a good looking Chinese guy, international star. His wife was no fucking playmate, but she stood by them. And that's the woman that calmed him down. And that's a lesson for a lot of people. When you're 21, everybody wants to marry Farrah Fawcett. When you're 30, you'll marry that chick with the missing toe from the bartender at that fucking dump bar you hang out with. Because that's it. The window's closing. And that's what we all do. We start getting desperate. Oh, my God, I'm not gonna have a child. Oh, my God, I'm gonna die alone. And we make the worst fucking mistake because we're going in there with something. What happened to just getting together, sucking my dick, I eat your pussy, we smoke a joint, you go home. Let's start with that. Let's start with a walk to Carvel and we'll take it from there. I'll suck your tit in the car, you know what I'm saying? What happened?

[Shalom]

What happened on the third date?

[Joey Diaz]

Huh?

[Shalom]

What's the third date?

[Joey Diaz]

Ice cream, whatever. Carvel. I don't know, but these are all the decisions. If you're going to go to a bar and you're going to hit on a girl and she's snorting coke with you and she just broke up with her boyfriend and he's an animal, and you're going to get engaged to her, that's not going to work. She's been getting fucked at bars for 20 years. And when she dumps your ass, she's going right back to that fucking bar. These are things you got to know. You know, like people. You want to meet a. Go to a bar and get one of those chicks with the tight shirts on. You want to meet a smart chick? Go to a library. I met my wife at a comedy store. What do I know?

[Shalom]

And where to work, dude? And it's crazy. Like, the dick. I mean, you've talked about your other relationships. Like, it sounds like you might have put like a little bit more effort in with Terry than you do with other ones. Or like you, I did want to.

[Joey Diaz]

Get married to the other ones. Like, I didn't after I got divorced. What? Listen, I met my wife when I was basically 20 fucking years old. 21 years old. I met her this. And here's the scary thing.

[Shalom]

Your first wife.

[Joey Diaz]

My first wife this August. I know that bitch for 40 years. Years. I met her August of 85. It's April of 2025. She knows me like the back of My fucking hand. That bitch.

[Shalom]

Even though you haven't spoken in a while.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, because she was there in the beginning. She saw the animal.

[Shalom]

Wow.

[Joey Diaz]

So I met her in 85 and we were done in 91. Maybe. You got to figure I didn't see her for six months. I was locked up. Listen, man, you know, it is what it is. And I wasn't going to get married again after that. I lost everything. I paid debt till fucking 10 years ago. I paid debt on that fucking divorce.

[Shalom]

So you said like you weren't going to get married. What made you decide to finally get married?

[Joey Diaz]

I wasn't gonna get fucking married. I had met other girls, and some of them were nice, some of them were. Nobody was marriage material, honestly. You want me to tell you what made me marry Terry?

[Shalom]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

When I woke up at four in the morning one day and she had my football suit out for the longest yard. And I was like, what the fuck is going on here? This ain't a regular girlfriend. This is not a regular girlfriend up with me because I had to be there at 5, so I would have to get up at 3. 45. Sometimes I just stopped snorting coke. At 3:30, she would get up, Fuck it. I'd take a shower, put the football suit on. She'd make me a little breakfast just so I wouldn't drive down there 45 minutes with nothing in my stomach. A lot of people don't do that. They wouldn't give a fuck if you left hungry. So that gave me all the consideration. It's really funny. There's an episode of Sopranos when he's gonna go out and meet the realtor, and he goes to a house. But that's the night that she helps him button his shirt. Oh, yeah, remember that? She helped him button his shirt. That's a really good scene. At least it was for me. Cause I understood. And then he went to this girl's house and he was dying a fucker. But as he was taking off his shirt, he thought about his wife. And he goes, what am I doing? What the fuck am I doing here? I just got shot in the head. She was by me for six weeks, and then I was home for fucking four weeks. And there she is. And now I'm gonna fuck the first chick that moves around. And I learned that when I was like 20. The guy who used to own the gas station across the street from North Bergen had everything. The Porsche, you know, he was 25. He had a Porsche, a house, a house in Miami, a truck, you know, and all These women would go to that gas station because he was a good looking Spanish dude. And I remember a girl that has a boyfriend that was gonna get married, came up to me one day and she goes, you're really tight with him. Tell him I wanna sleep with him one night on the side. Nobody will know. I go, okay. Next time I saw George, I go, hey, man. We started talking about girls. And he goes, yeah, she's pretty hot. I go, listen, you didn't hear from me, but she told me if you wanted to sleep with her, she would give you a piece of ass. And he looked at me for a minute and he goes, she's really pretty, but it's not for me. And I was like, what are you talking about? He goes, bro. He goes, I've been with my wife when we lived in a one bedroom apartment with no money. What kind of man would I be now to cheat on her? And I was like, that's character.

[Shalom]

Yeah, I think it's. And it's. It would destroy, like, it would just destroy them, I think. And I. It's great. Like, even when you were saying that when you showed up at Terry says with a bag and to think about what you have now. But, like, she's been there for the. From, like, to see what you guys have built is pretty crazy.

[Joey Diaz]

That's why I tell her everything. It doesn't matter what the fuck I do. I'll tell her because she'll look at me and go, what the fuck, Joey? I just tell her because why lie to her?

[Shalom]

It's not good.

[Joey Diaz]

Any. Anything I do with anybody, I pretty much tell her.

[Shalom]

When did you start doing that?

[Joey Diaz]

I started doing that like eight years in. If I have an experience with a woman, I tell her I get it off my chest before she hears it secondhand or sees a picture. At the end of the day, nothing happens. But I sat with her for three hours at Joe Rogan's bar, right? You know what I'm saying? A couple people said something to me about that.

[Shalom]

Why?

[Joey Diaz]

It was that girl. I was like, listen, she's a dear friend of mine. I'm 62, I'm in no mood. This shit don't get up all the time. This dick don't get hard like it used to. You know what if you make a call and your dick don't get hard, how embarrassing am I gonna be? You know what I'm saying? So I cover my bases at home. I could fail. I could shoot a dud at home. Shooting me for 25 years, fucking some Young chick. I don't talk. It's not even, you know, it's fun. I love going out at night and talking to fucking some young chick, you know? I told you I went to a strip club about a month ago and I was talking to a black girl all night. Didn't ask her for a dance or anything. At the end of the night, she goes, you're gonna give me 100 bucks? I said, absolutely. And I just gave her 100 bucks. I needed that 100 bucks the next day. But I made her fucking world. And that's going to come back to me tenfold. And I didn't try to fuck her. And she's still my friend on Instagram. We'll be back next week, cocksuckers. Tip Top Magoo. What do you got this week? Anything?

[Shalom]

Yeah, May 4th. I'm at Broadway. I'm at. I'm sorry, Greenwich Village Comedy Club.

[Joey Diaz]

There you go. And me, May 8, May 17, Philadelphia. It's sold out, so I don't even know why. Promoting the date. Go to the Excite page and look to see if they have tickets for August. I'm sure they'll have a bunch of tickets. Come on out. Knock yourself out. Have some fucking cheesesteaks at Merlinos and do what you need to do. I love you, cocksuckers.

[Shalom]

Love you guys.

[Joey Diaz]

Have a great week and we'll be back next Tuesday. Tip Top Magoo. It'll be like May 8th or something. Stay black, cocksuckers. Love you.