In training

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament

Episode: In Training
Date: July 7, 2026
Host: Joey Coco Diaz
Co-host: Lee Syatt
Location: Live from NYC

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Episode Overview

This episode blends Joey Diaz’s trademark storytelling (raw, colorful, and nostalgic) with frank discussions about the changing landscape of American life, comedy, and personal growth. Joey recaps his Fourth of July, rails against modern inconveniences (QR codes, finance apps), breaks down the realities of being a touring comic, and shares major personal news about moving part-time to Austin for stand-up. The tone is both hilarious and heartfelt, with candid reflections on patience, career trajectories, and the discipline it takes to succeed — in comedy or otherwise.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Fourth of July, Fireworks, and Neighborhood Nostalgia

• The episode opens with stories about fireworks mishaps, traditions, and how celebrations differ regionally and generationally.
• Joey recalls local fireworks and how "if there was a cop in sight, you'd still light it anyway" ([00:40]).
• Nostalgia is mixed with jokes about how people overdo holidays, e.g., paying $10,000 for fireworks and still having leftovers for weeks ([01:31]).
• Joey’s ideal July 4th: a bowl of cherries, rain on the balcony, and quietly observing his power go out with satisfaction ([01:43]).

2. Money, Credit Cards, and the Cash/Tech Divide

• Joey and Lee share philosophies on cash versus cards in modern society:
  • Joey prefers cash: “Even if you have 100 bucks in your pocket, it's better than not having nothing.” ([02:57])
  • Joey doesn’t trust cashless/payment app-only places and rails against QR menu codes and digital-exclusive establishments ([03:46]).
  • “If you've got a Q code, I don't really want to do business with you. I want to see a paper fucking menu.” – Joey ([04:12])
  • Joey confesses he still has a Hotmail account and rarely changes his passwords ([04:38]).

3. The Consumer is Always Getting Fucked

• Joey launches into a classic rant about how American consumers get nickel-and-dimed everywhere (service fees, insurance add-ons, “financing” for clothes and food).
  • “Fireworks are like parades. You see one, you seen them all.” ([01:32])
  • “The American consumer is getting fucked in ways, like I've never seen them get fucked.” ([07:35])
  • Examples include car, pet, and rental insurance: “By the time you get the check, the dog has died.” ([07:06])
  • Financing options for everything, even vitamins and food deliveries ([12:40], [13:08]).

4. Stand-up Comedy: The Austin Announcement

• Joey reveals he's getting a one-bedroom apartment in Austin (Redban’s building) to spend 1 week per month doing stand-up ([23:20]-[25:09]).
  • He plans to do multiple sets per night, increasing his “reps” and building community again.
  • Wants excitement and a change from isolated Jersey living: “There’s something missing... I love it, but it's too solitude for me.” ([29:54])
• Explains the logic of flying to Austin rather than driving for less stage time locally.
• Describes the amenities of the new place (sauna, podcast studios, honor system store) and plans to use it as a creative/comedy hub.

5. The Business and Psychology of Comedy

• Joey and Lee discuss how comedy’s priorities shift with age and success:
  • Joey doesn’t chase agent meetings or TV spots now: “I want the Hollywood out of my stand-up. So it's just stand-up.” ([40:17])
  • On refusing certain gigs/pay: “I could sit at home for the $400. I could sit at home, bro. Really.” ([53:17])
  • Encouragement to define your own value, set boundaries, and wait for opportunities that match your goals ([49:06]).
  • The journey of success is chaotic and slow: “This is a marathon... patience is not a virtue, it's everything in this type of shit.” ([65:15])

6. Patient Growth & Realistic Expectations

• Joey offers deep and candid wisdom about the comedic “conveyor belt” — being ready when your turn comes after years (sometimes decades) of grinding.
  • “I waited while everybody else grew... but I kept telling myself I’m next on the conveyor belt.” ([61:04])
  • Stresses the value of patience over envy: “I saw a lot of people came too early and they had to stop what they were doing to go back and do the work.” ([80:12])
  • “You don't become wise by not making mistakes. You become wise by making a lot of fucking mistakes and going, I ain't making that one again.” ([82:03])

7. Eating Out, Personal Rules, and Jersey Mentality

• Joey’s intense rules about food and ordering in restaurants:
  • Disdain for “chit chat” and indecision when ordering: “When I go in a restaurant, gentlemen, I already know what I want.” ([85:33])
  • Hates jelly on toast, preserves, and menu modifications — “this is Jersey”— and jokes about banning his wife from diners for violating his food rules ([85:21]).
  • “If you put jelly on your toast… because you’re a little faggot, that's why.” – Joey ([84:21])
  • Avoids splitting dishes, asking servers for recommendations, or engaging in “wine tastings” ([88:02]-[90:11]).

8. Comic Process and In Training

• Joey emphasizes that no matter the level, you’re always “in training” — he ties it to prison workouts, basketball preparation, and standup: “We are always in training. Always, always.” ([80:47])
  • Discipline, intentionality, and consistency trump raw “lucky” breaks.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Joey on Consumer Scams:
  "The American consumer is getting fucked in ways, like I've never seen them get fucked." ([07:35])
• Joey on Patience and the Comedy Grind:
  “This is a marathon... patience is not a virtue, it's everything in this type of shit.” ([66:14])
• Joey on Independence:
  “Right now, I just need a little excitement in my life. Just not much. I'm not looking to do quaaludes… Just a different excitement in my life.” ([29:54])
• Joey on Dining Rules:
  “When I go in a restaurant, gentlemen, I already know what I want. So when you tell that waitress... you haven't made up your mind yet... You have a knife coming through your head from me.” ([85:33])
• Lee on Comedy Benchmarks:
  “That's how I'm measuring myself -- where was I last year?” ([58:20])
• Joey on Career Moves:
  “You just promoted yourself. You gave yourself a raise. You said, this is what my value is and this is what I'm worth.” ([50:28])
• Joey on Comedy Without L.A. Ambition:
  “I want the Hollywood out of my stand-up. So it's just stand-up. You follow me? All that shit's out of my fucking life.” ([40:17])
• Joey on Getting Passed at Clubs:
  “We get so excited about getting them... and nothing happens.” ([57:32])
• On Eating Alone:
  “I do things by myself. I don't mind going to a movie theater by myself... because I don't have to hear, 'It's cold in here.'” ([92:27])

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Fireworks nostalgia & Fourth of July stories: [00:03] – [02:26]
• Cash vs. credit/card economy & tech frustration: [02:26] – [05:31]
• Consumer rants (fees, insurance, layaway apps): [07:06] – [14:07]
• Joey’s Austin plans & comedy residency: [23:20] – [28:49]
• Choosing gigs, setting self-worth as a comic: [40:17] – [53:17]
• Marathon metaphor for career success: [61:04] – [66:14]
• Food rules, Jersey mindsets, diner talk: [85:33] – [93:39]
• Being “in training” – philosophy for standup (and life): [80:43] – [82:03]

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Episode Highlights

• Austin Move Announcement: Joey reveals his new plan to split time between Jersey and Austin, seeking more stage time and community, and outlines how he’ll approach it differently than his years in LA.
• Unfiltered Life Lessons: Joey openly discusses the slow grind of comedy, battling impatience, and not tying self-worth to other people’s careers.
• Comedic Process in Action: Stories of recent bombs on stage, practice as preparation, and how even "bad" sets contribute to eventual growth and resilience.
• Joey's Restaurant Rules: Hilarious, hardline takes on how to order food, why he bans “chit chat,” and strict anti-jelly stances tied to regional identity.

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For Listeners

You’ll leave this episode laughing, but also reflecting — whether you’re navigating modern adulthood, wrestling with the slow burn of creative achievement, or just wondering why Joey hates jelly so much. The lessons here are universal, wrapped in classic Joey Diaz profanity and wisdom: set your own pace, don’t chase what isn’t you, and always know what you want before walking into a diner.

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Next Episode: New episodes every Tuesday. Stay tuned for more from Joey and Lee!

Transcript

[A]

Kick this mule. What's up beautiful people? It's the Church of what's happening now, New Testament July 7, 2026 what up mook?

[B]

What's up buddy? How was your case?

[A]

Came back with both hands, so that's good. Jews ain't good with fireworks, just with missiles, you know what I'm saying? They can light a missile, but a firecracker, they can't do it.

[B]

Did I tell ever tell you about me lighting fireworks in Tampa the last time I was there?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And the cops came.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, I.

[A]

That would only happen to you, of course.

[B]

It's the only dude I don't do. Did you do fireworks as a kid here? Yeah, they were like illegal. Illegal in Massachusetts, like they illegal everywhere,

[A]

but who gives a. Soon as the cop makes the turn

[B]

bow, you light it.

[A]

And then I told you motherfuckers not to play with. Wasn't us some black kids from Jersey City.

[B]

Do I. I kind of miss and I'm not a huge fireworks guy. But in la, if you like fireworks, it's fun cuz like the Mexican people, it's like they don't. They have like a city fireworks. But I would just go to my roof in L. A and like the entire valley would be fireworks. They had a whole thing that you could see it from like the satellites in space because they like they treated the fourth of July. It goes on for like a couple of weeks, you remember that?

[A]

Well, even in my neighborhood they like firecrackers now. Do they still the 20th by you?

[B]

Oh shit.

[A]

Shit going on. You got all these fireworks. I know a guy who bought $10,000 with the fireworks. You, you're not gonna light Those all in one night, you know that's gonna take two, three weeks.

[B]

$10,000.

[A]

10,000. He had a party by my. I didn't go. I'm not going to that. Hey listen, fireworks are like parades. You see one, you seen them all.

[B]

I agree.

[A]

I'm gonna start arm wrestling motherfuckers to go to Hoboken. I don't want to see that shit that bad. I had a perfect fourth of July. I went down to shore, I got home at 8:30, they were yik yakking, finding some on TV. I got a bowl of cherries and I sat on my balcony and watched that fucking rain hit. From the minute it hit. And next thing you know, I saw all the people's lights go off one by one, da da da da. And the generator kicked in. I'm like, I'm good. And fucking Internet was out all day Sunday, dog. I walked around with $10 for two days. I couldn't even get money out of the bank. The ATM machine by my house and the other one up on no bridge.

[B]

Do you still not have a credit card? When I was in that. When we were in la, you walk around, you don't have a debit card and you'd go out and get like, cash. But I don't remember you having an actual credit card.

[A]

Credit card for big things. My wife said, put it on there because we get points at the end of the month, right? And then I have an ATM card.

[B]

But you still carry cash?

[A]

Fuck yeah. Why? Why? Why not? I don't want to be that. Because people go around, I don't have no cash, I can't pay. And then you gotta pick up their lunch. People run a scam with the fucking ATM scam.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So listen, I like giving cash to people. I like being able to fucking tip and whatever the fuck you need. So even if you have 100 bucks in your pocket, it's better than not having nothing.

[B]

I carry a little bit.

[A]

Let me tell you something. If you're ever in a pinch, that ATM card, that American Express black ain't gonna do dick because I can't pay abroad. You know what I'm saying? So you always gotta have some cash somewhere. A 20, a $50 bill, something in case a party happens.

[B]

I have a little bit now because of stand up, but it'll be in my. In my wallet for months. Because, dude, there's places in New York where they don't accept cash.

[A]

No, there's places anywhere that they're cashless and paperless. That's when you shoplift. That's when you're at the hotel at Thompson, you want a juice, they'll just give it to you. Like, we don't. We don't.

[B]

What do you do? Like, have you ever been to a restaurant where, like, they want you to scan the QR code and pay on an app? Like, I was at an airport once in an ihop, you had to like, scan and pay. And I always, like, I think about you and like, my par. Like, people who are of that age, I can't imagine what you do if someone's like, hey, you got to scan this and pay on your phone. Like, I don't. I don't know what you do.

[A]

I just learned how to scan the Q code.

[B]

You did?

[A]

Maybe a year ago. But if you got a Q code, I don't really want to do business with you. I want to see a paper fucking menu. Okay? Yeah, I want to see a paper fucking menu. I can't. I don't know how to sell. I have PayPal, and that's as good as it gets. But I don't have PayPal. Then you ain't getting paid, you know, because I don't have Venmo. I don't have any of those things. No, I go with one, I stick with one. I still got Hotmail.

[B]

That's. I think you might be one of the few.

[A]

What does that tell you? I still got Hotmail. It works when all you Gmail motherfuckers get hacked and your wife's pussies out there. My Hotmail is tougher than that. You understand me?

[B]

Because no one's on Hotmail. Have you ever changed your password? Or is it like the same from the beginning?

[A]

I don't even know what it is now. I sign in through Google and I got to call my wife. Honey, what's the Google? It's got to come down and fucking type it in for me. I don't know nothing.

[B]

Oh, my God, that's funny.

[A]

Nothing. People get all these fucking things and all those codes are out there, and all your information is out there. The more things you get, the more your information is out there and you pop up more. Yeah. So that's why sometimes you got to have a little bit of cash. Sometimes you have an atm, sometimes you have a credit card. But if you have 22 credit cards, they're going to steal your shit eventually.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

That's why I know one of those two credit cards goes. That's it. That's all that's in the wallet is an ATM and a fucking credit card. For expenditures. I love to get that American Express fucking, you know, like the United cards and shit. Yeah, I have the Delta 100amonth.

[B]

No, it's 700 a year. Yeah. They give you.

[A]

They give you dick. No, I should. I forget about the Delta ones, bro. I got three free trips. I forget about it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Every time I buy a new trip. Oh, you got three free trips? Just leave me the fuck.

[B]

Delta gives you two free bats.

[A]

Buy insurance at Dicks for your bet. If the bat breaks. Where's that paperwork at? Where's the insurance?

[B]

You know what I mean?

[A]

They just get you with shit.

[B]

No, is all that a scam? Remember, like, they have that when you buy a car.

[A]

Ice cube and the other black chick.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

If you have a 1960. Every afternoon I'm trying to watch fucking SVU and they pop off Transmission problems. You need this. Listen, the car is older than five. You're on your own. Everybody knows this. In a year, I'll be on my own with that Lexus. You're on your own. Yeah, you could buy, but they're always going to find a way to fuck you. Yeah, they always just. When you're the happiest you could be, they always find something like this doesn't qualify. Or, you know, we can only pay 30% of the $22,000 bill. There's always something. You're always getting fucked. My friend said she had pet insurance. You know, she goes, yeah, you pick it up, but it takes a year to get a check out of them.

[B]

Really?

[A]

By the time you get the check, the dog is died. You know what I'm saying? So all this shit is great on paper and white people love it. I got insurance. You're just paying garbage. It's like all you motherfuckers, you ever go rent a car and they try to sell you that insurance, and they make it like it's going to be awful if you get into an accident. My insurance covers it at home. But you're giving them 8.99 a day. Cause you feel better, it's 40 a day now.

[B]

I'm renting a car. Yeah.

[A]

I'm renting 40 a fucking day. So how much more can I tack onto that. That windshield fluid? You know, they get you from every direction. The American consumer is getting fucked in ways. The last. I don't know, like I've never seen them get fucked.

[B]

Look at this.

[A]

World cup soccer. Now they're on there every night. We don't know what happened with the train. People are not taking well because you charged 115 fucking dollars for the fucking train. So not only do I have to come here from Europe or Uruguay or whatever fucking soccer country I'm from, and then I gotta pay 10 for waters in there, at least. So you're getting fucked as a consumer. You don't even feel like it's worth it?

[B]

No.

[A]

When I book to comedy shows, I don't even. Doug, I had to stop asking, how much is the service fee? What is this service fee for? I don't get a dime of that service fee. What exactly do you do to get $18 out of me for a service fee? And you look at this shit and you go, what am I gonna do? But this is constant. This is on every daily basis. So you, as an American have to get informed of what's bullshit and what's not bullshit. And that's tough too. You're trying to raise a family, trying to pay the mortgage. Now I got to worry about who's fucking me at the pet store. You know, who's fucking me at here, who's fucking you there. Because right, you go to a restaurant now, oh, you want to pay with a credit card, I'm going to charge you 8% more. Yeah, you know, it don't stop anymore, guys. So now is the time. As an American, you have to decide, how much more am I gonna get fucked in the ass?

[B]

I don't know if you can avoid it, to be honest.

[A]

How much more? No, you could avoid a lot of things. You know, part of the shit you do for your kids. Disneyland, that's a fuckfest. You might as well spread your cheeks and let Mickey Mouse rape you, cuz that's exactly what the fuck they're doing to you. As an American. We don't feel it, it's all on the card. But when you get home and look at that shit and go, I paid. What? For what?

[B]

There's people who go to the, the Disney in Tokyo because it's less money to fly to Tokyo and go to that Disney World than it is to go to the one in Florida. It's. Yeah, at least, at least you, you think you can avoid it. Like I think to avoid it you just have to do nothing.

[A]

You ever go to the doctor's office, they make you do the follow up, they get you for the co pay and you go in there, it takes three minutes. Why am I paying a copay? But they'll copay you to debt. You know, it's a shame what they do. And these people are hardworking Americans. They don't have 29.99 to fucking rent a car on insurance. You know, it's fucking rough out there. You know, I'm gonna tell you something because I don't know if I'm the only one who saw this. I'm sure George saw this. Last week there was a predicted 12 million people are going to travel. You don't leave rarely. Listen, both those airports Thursday, empty. I mean, I got to fucking Austin two hours before because of the wheelchair. I just walked. I was at the fucking taco place. I was at gate 25 and I still had an hour and a half to wait. There was nobody there. And they fucked up my knee pad and took it off. If it wasn't for that, I would have walked right through. And Newark flying out, there was nobody there on Monday. But I thought Thursday coming back there was Nobody there.

[B]

That's crazy.

[A]

Oh, no. See, they lie to us. It's consistently hold on fly this week. The airlines are going to be busy. NSA said they're going to see the most people they've ever seen. I didn't see them.

[B]

And those are busy airports. It's not like you are fucking nowhere to nowhere.

[A]

Austin. When you land in Austin on a Monday, you're like, what the fuck is going on here this week? Why are all these people at the airport Monday at 3 o' clock?

[B]

Is that bad?

[A]

Why are there two bands playing? Why are there people at the airport bars like it's the fourth of July. People are landing there on Monday. It's like a destination now. But flying out of there. There was nobody flying out of there on the fourth. On the first second. I came back on the second. You figure all hell was going to break loose. That's when the geniuses fly. A day before the 4th of July, there was nobody at the airport. Gentlemen, ladies. So. But bumper was bump. Traffic was bumper to bumper. I went up north Friday. It was a big mistake. It took me an hour 40 to get back from Clifton. Oh, and that was at 10 in the morning. How people were driving like a motherfucker.

[B]

It's. Everything's too expensive. I think people are just deciding they're not doing shit anymore. I don't blame them with it. Like, you see how much airline like flight prices are now. Imagine if you had to bring like, I'll just drive to the Jersey shore.

[A]

Things are so rough now that whenever you purchase them, they give you an option to finance.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Never. You can finance vitamins. I just bought two shirts online. Make three easy payments of twin. When do I get. What is this? Layaway Online?

[B]

Yeah, there's whole. There's whole companies. I don't want to talk any of them, but this whole company, that's all they do is like. There's two that I can think of that you can. You can do it like with grubhub now. Like if you're ordering dinner, you can do your payments for dinner. It's. Yeah.

[A]

That is insane. You guys are enlightening me now.

[B]

And then if you miss. If you miss your payment, your dinner is a 20, 30%.

[A]

So. All right, so I eat dinner on Monday. I'm tapped. I got no money till Thursday. How do I do this? Man, you just.

[B]

When you're paying on grub, you know you can't call them on the app. It just. It gives you like pay with your. Pay with credit card debit card or. Yeah, there's. Klarna and Affirm are the two. I'm thinking Klarna. It's just. It's a. It's basically a loan shark. It's just. They'll give you. They'll pay for it, and then you got to pay them. I don't know. I've never done it. Knock on wood. So I don't know if they give you some interest at the beginning, but it's like. It's like a credit card payment. They just. You pay in a certain amount. If you don't pay, you're fud.

[A]

That is fucking insanity. I learned something new every day. It's not a way to fuck you. I wouldn't deliver the food.

[B]

Oh, there's people who get caught doing that.

[A]

I deliver it somewhere else and sell that. I'd bang them out on two beef. Did you order beef strogano? No, I didn't. It's $9.99 to me. Usually goes for 24. Dude, I'm running a special. Do you have three of them? No, just one.

[B]

Do you know you can sell food on Facebook now? There's people who have, like, restaurants in their house, and you. And you go to their house and they bring you out. Like, dude, it's. I. I'm really fat, and I'll buy most things, but, like, I'm not gonna go to someone's house and get, like, shrimp from them. They do, like, the seafood boils. There's a guy in New York right now who makes pizza out of his trunk. It's called, like, the pizza pod. He has. He's like a little pizza oven in the back of his car under yours. And apparently people are going crazy for it. Apparently it's good. I don't know. But you can do it again.

[A]

I want the old Italian guy with the oven. He might have a mole on his face.

[B]

Yeah, he definitely coming out of it.

[A]

That's the guy. I don't need no pizza car and a pizza. I mean, I don't have. This is just novelty.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, oh, my God, I just ordered from a place. The guy makes pizzas in his trunk. Okay. I'm really happy for you.

[B]

Speaking of food, did you. I'm sure you didn't. Did you watch the. The hot dog contest at all?

[A]

No.

[B]

That's one of the stupidest. And I watched both. I watched the man and the Woman.

[A]

Did you think of entering it?

[B]

There's no fat people now.

[A]

Joey Chestnut is banned, right?

[B]

No, he's still. He's back He's. But he was back this year. He didn't. He ate a ton of hot dogs. They showed the water that they dunk the buns into brown. But it was. I was dying laughing because the guy who announces it thinks he's Bruce Buffer and is doing these intros for people who look like they're like, like some of them, I don't know, looked fine. But there were a couple people who looked like they were like homeless people and they were do. He was doing these very elaborate introductions and they're just shoving like they had. This one guy had records for the like 8 pounds of fudge in 10 minutes. It's just like it's. They're treating it like it's a real. Like they did like the post, you know, like in basketball where like what, what were you focusing on today? How did they did that with like them eating hot dogs? And I was sitting there. I had never watched it before.

[A]

I never understood why they dipped a bun in the water.

[B]

Cuz it like slides down your throat. What they're eating two at a time.

[A]

I could eat two at a time. Listen, you give me one of those Red Devil edibles, I'll go up against Joey Chestnut at two in the morning, I'll out eat him.

[B]

How come there aren't. There's one fat black dude, Badlands Chugs, who chugged like he set a world record for the fastest chugging of a gallon of lemonade. But he's the only fat guy. Everyone else is skinny and in shape and the women did it. And that's. This is just an honest question. Why? Like, I understand why like men can be better than women at some sports, but like why are men better than women at eating hot dog. Like, I just don't understand what is the difference between men like they ate like double what the woman ate. It was. But there was one, the woman who won was pretty good. She's won like 12, 12 years in a row.

[A]

Yeah, but even that, that don't make sense. An Asian woman.

[B]

That's where I'll disagree with you. And Asian, Asian women throw down. No, no, they eat more than us.

[A]

I understand. Well, I don't see a fucking Chinese lady eating hot dogs in a native country. You know, she comes in all of a sudden start eating fucking rubber. Those hot dogs are rubber, you know.

[B]

Yeah, Nathan's are pretty bad. Do you have you had a Nathan's in a while?

[A]

I have no idea, Lee. I have no idea.

[B]

Yeah, I know when we went to

[A]

have nice chili, right? The chili they have chili. I have them. When I go to Celia Cruz rest Stop on. Fucking on the road, I always go to Celia Cruz Rest Stop and I get one of those. Because they have. Yeah, they have those things on there, Lee. I don't know. I don't fucking know what's going on in the world anymore. And you tend just to mind your business. That's your best bet, is just to mind your fucking business some days because it's too big. You didn't want to hear how it got to this point. You're like, okay. You think I should do okay? I saw a lot of crazy people last week in Austin.

[B]

Oh, I'm sure the heat does something to you, I think.

[A]

What did you see? I just saw a lot of crazy homeless people. And I would sit in front of the hotel at night and just watch people walk by for a half hour. And it's just. It was a Monday night last week. I'm sitting out there talking to the bellman, smoked the joint. I'm just talking to him. And there wasn't a lot of people out. Like, it wasn't constant, but every five minutes there were these two girls that were dressed alike. One of the girls, shoes broke. They kept walking to the corner and then walking back. I watched this for like 30 minutes. They'd walk to the corner and with the busted shoe. And every time they'd walk back for something else. Oh, I left my purse at the bar. Oh, I left this. At one point, I saw four black women walking down the street. One of them was gigantic with silver hot pants on.

[B]

You mean tall or fat or both?

[A]

Big, like £400 big. Like she had to make those hot pants at the house. Like three people had. She didn't get those at no fucking Wendy's or. Or fucking Kmart. Somebody made those at the house, you know, and you see, and I have nothing against anybody having a good time, but it was Monday fucking night. And these people. And I mean, listen, in Austin, Monday nights, there's just one thing going on that's killed Tony. Yeah, it is fucking packed down there.

[B]

You saw it? I know.

[A]

Last Monday I went to dinner and then I went there. I got there around nine. And then afterward was when I was blown away, what the bar looked like. You couldn't move. You couldn't move. You couldn't move. And it's dark. And the smoke in there, it was fucking buck wild.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

I left early. I got the fuck out of there early because I had to be up early to go to ways too. Well, Tuesday, I did a podcast with Christina Mariani, whatever. And that was great. I had a great time with her. She's on a different fucking planet. But I didn't do much. I did two nights of stand up. The first night I ate a tremendous bag of dicks. But it was great. I could tell at like the 8 minute mark there was no turning this set around. I had already buried myself just so bad up front that I couldn't get out of it.

[B]

So did you just dig deeper? You like, fuck it.

[A]

Let's try new shit, dog. I went, yeah, but I wasn't getting them with. So, in fact, I got off and nobody was there. I was like, I'm just gonna get off. Nobody was there. But I went back Wednesday night and I got enough for the night before and the night before. Yeah, like, I just went off because I. The jokes weren't like. I didn't put them on paper and thought. I just looked at the Notebook and went to dinner and that's never good. And I wanted to do the bucket show, but they were running late or whatever, so I just did the big show first. But, boy, that was a bombing. That was true. Tremendous.

[B]

I like how you like it now. I. It doesn't.

[A]

I'm on to greener Pastas. Like, I'll go on stage tomorrow night. Where I'm going tomorrow night is a rough and tumble place. So I might bomb again. But guess what? I got two bombs out of the way now. I'm home free for like 10 sets. It's percentages. That's how I look at it. I may be wrong.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, I. I don't know. I. So you don't feel like you're going to, like, get into a rhythm of bombing? You just feel like.

[A]

No, because I know the nucleus of bombing. There's a couple things that will make you bomb. Not preparation, not taking two minutes before you go up on your own. Now listen, when you look at your material for like 10 minutes, your percentages go up there. You're not going to bomb like 70% or something. So you always try to look through your material, maybe add some. I did none of that that night. I did none of that that night. I went against the grain. I got down there and like I said, I thought I'd warm up at the bucket show. And then the big room show was like stealing. I didn't get up in the bucket show. And it was the slow death of fucking life.

[B]

And how was Ways to well.

[A]

Ways to well is always good if you're Feeling better? Yeah. They drew some blood. They fucking stem cell my lungs. I don't hear a little mouse in my lung no more because for a couple days I could hear a mouse like a little whistle and shit. When you smoke dope, that means the emphysema is creeping up.

[B]

Jesus Christ.

[A]

I just fucking do a whack of that in the mask and I'm good, man.

[B]

Nice. It seems like you're having fun in Austin now.

[A]

I have a lot of fun in Austin. I really do. I do what I can't do here. I drink one night, I went to the pool one day. You know I'm moving down there. Yeah, I'm getting a place. I'm moving to red bands building. Oh. Start a residency once a month at Joe's.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And I'll go down there once a month and I don't have to be down there now. I could stay the weekends because Mercy's not playing the winter in the weekends. What do you mean?

[B]

You're like the whole family's moving or just gonna get like a second place?

[A]

No.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

I'm gonna get a one bedroom apartment in red bands building.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

They got everything there. Red light, sauna, plunges, podcast offices, a conference room, two rooms to watch movies, a supermarket downstairs, an honor system. I'll rob that place of debt.

[B]

I don't think it's an honor system. I think they got cameras.

[A]

I'll spray paint the cameras before I get down.

[B]

How often are you going to go?

[A]

One week? A month?

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Why not? I gotta go.

[B]

But now here's the only question I have for you, and I'm. I get it. You're going to like one of the top clubs in the country, in the world now. But like for you, you have to fly. Like, why not drive an hour from New York, but you'll fly like it just seems. It seems anti what I would know

[A]

from Joe, because I would be able to only do one set for that drive.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

It's like, why don't you go on the road back to. Back to places you'd make more money because you wouldn't have to leave, you know, you could just get it. But there's no more $10 hotels, right?

[B]

Okay.

[A]

So I figured I'd go down there and if I could do four sets in two nights, I'm way ahead of the curve on the way home. Stop at Brian's or something like that and do that. That's five sets. I'm way ahead of the curve.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

And here, you know, if I could do two spots a week. And that's four hours, right? Two spots I gotta invest four hours of driving.

[B]

Yeah. So I guess once you get down to Austin, it's really easy. And it's. Yeah, okay, I see it.

[A]

I'm used to the plane ride. I just download some shows on Netflix.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I get super high. I take an edible and I put my headphones on.

[B]

And you don't have to rent a car because you can just walk everywhere.

[A]

No, I have to rent the car. I ain't walking nowhere. That Uber that isn't it like two blocks? No, because this is a little long. But I ain't walking those streets.

[B]

Okay. No. Oh, yeah. You'd probably get destroyed.

[A]

No, I ain't walking those streets. So. Yeah, it just makes sense for me. Plus, I get out of here, man.

[B]

When are you going to do that? Are you looking now?

[A]

Yeah, that's it. August, I'm getting it. And mid September, start doing shows down there.

[B]

That's crazy. Well, it's been a while since you've had an apartment. I remember that apartment in North Hollywood. It's going to be. You going to bring a cat? Going to get an animal for it?

[A]

No, no, we're going to take care of it for three weeks. Buckle.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

Leave him there by himself. Now, I don't do that to animal. Yeah. Every three weeks they come in high. Is like. I've been here for a month by myself.

[B]

Are you going to clean the place?

[A]

Yeah, it comes with cleaning lady.

[B]

No, it doesn't.

[A]

That's one of the amenities.

[B]

Oh, shit. Okay.

[A]

And if you want to come down and stay there, that's fine. You just got to play the cleaning lady before I get down there.

[B]

I don't think you're gonna let me

[A]

stay in your bed. No, you can't.

[B]

You don't like. You don't let me shit in your bathroom.

[A]

I don't sleep on fudge. And again, I can't have that. Yeah, it just makes sense. Cool. I'm a little older. Listen, guys, you know what I do during the week? There's days I don't even talk to people unless it's you three idiots. So do you understand me? That's not healthy either.

[B]

Right?

[A]

I gotta walk around sore. Cause I gotta go to the gym. There ain't nobody by my house in the daytime. And the only way I could chat to people is if I go to the boxing gym. The gym I go to, it's just me and him. And then if I work out at the Gym by my house. There's a couple people in there, but if I don't talk to those people, I'm stuck Talking to a 56 year old woman and a 13 year old girl all day.

[B]

Right?

[A]

And that's fine. That's my family. That's fine. You guys are all an hour away. It's like doing stand up. I gotta get back in the car and go up there to do a fucking thing. You know, I live in simplicity. It's good, but it's bad. Simplicity is the scam I had in California. Studio city down the hill, make a right. You're at the comedy store.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

15 minutes. You want Joe's pizza? I want to go to the weed store. You, it's right next to the cryotherapy place. I like that. I like having a little community right there. I'll bring my own weed down to Austin. I don't have to do shit.

[B]

Allegedly.

[A]

Maybe the building has everything. The building has everything I need in the daytime.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then at night I can go do a couple spots. Spots. Stop. Start there at 6 o'. Clock.

[B]

Oh yeah.

[A]

You know, so that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

[B]

That's cool.

[A]

You don't really have to see anybody. I don't have to hang with anybody.

[B]

So you wanted to talk to people,

[A]

but not, you know.

[B]

Oh, okay, got it.

[A]

My sets are Thursdays at 7. I always do my show Thursday early. So I could be back and I could fly back Friday morning.

[B]

Okay, nice. Yeah, you'll get really good really fast.

[A]

I don't need to get really good really fast. I just need to get more consistency. It just needs to be more consistency. It's not about 20 spots for me. It's just about being a little more. I can't live on four spots a month.

[B]

No.

[A]

And just go to the dojo and I don't want to really want to go into the city and start that mess. So there's something I got to do that'll make me happy. At the same time I could go there and giggle a little bit. I like Brian Redbat.

[B]

Yeah, he's great.

[A]

I've always liked Brian Redbad. Always. I've had disagreements with him, but I know he loves me and I love the fuck out of him. I'm going to have him in the building. And you know who lives on top of him?

[B]

Who?

[A]

Jamie.

[B]

No way.

[A]

What tech problems am I going to have in that building? Okay, so that settles that right there.

[B]

They're going to get a lot of

[A]

calls About Roku's and both those motherfuckers on top of me. So that handles all that. If I want to play a game, I don't. If I want to fucking do a podcast downstairs in the fucking podcast room, that handles everything. Jamie doesn't go out at night. He sits there with his girlfriend. So he told me, if you move here, you got 24,7 fucking tech support.

[B]

Perfect.

[A]

None of that Apple shit, you know. This is right upstairs and they'll hop right downstairs.

[B]

Wait until he gets a call at 6 in the morning?

[A]

Yeah, I don't give a fuck.

[B]

I know you don't.

[A]

Right now I just need a little excitement in my life. Just not much. I'm not looking to do quaaludes. I'm not looking to shoot heroin. I'm not looking to stay at a club till four in the morning. Just a different excitement in my life. The softball's great. With my daughter and my wife on the weekends, I love spending time with them. But there's something missing. There's just something missing. That place down there where I live, I love it, but it's too solitude for me. But even if I move up here, all you motherfuckers are in bed at 10 anyway. Georgie's maybe 10:45. Everybody goes to bed early. There's nowhere I could go to Rudy's or something. I don't mind going to Rudy's at night, but there's eight knuckleheads in there asking you creepy questions. I don't need that either. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

So that's awesome. August, okay.

[A]

And the rent is not killing me. That's what I'm saying. If the rent was like astronomical and I was forcing the hand, what do I need? A bed, some dishes, a pullout couch and a lot of blankets because that fucking place is cold. When I was doing a podcast, I couldn't keep it together. I was trembling. Carly, Breadband's wife. They all have blankets on and socks and shit. Because that whole thing is cold. It's hot. Yeah, but the air conditioner is five star in that whole thing.

[B]

That's the most important thing.

[A]

You go to a fucking restaurant, you're freezing. Oh, any restaurant you go to, you got to bring a jacket down there. Yeah, that's just something differently. I just need to do a little different.

[B]

Have you done like. Cuz I. I almost did that before I came to New York. I almost did that with Simone. So Steve was going to get a place and spend it like a week or so a month there and I was going to go there. And you like, you can do the math like already LA or the Austin.

[A]

Austin, yeah.

[B]

And. And if you're like, I don't know what your rent's going to be, but. Well, let's just say it's two grand. Oh, that's like what, five, six nights in a hotel and you get a full month.

[A]

It's really gotta eat out and that kills you.

[B]

Right?

[A]

I could buy fruit now and eat it for breakfast. At least I know how to buy time now. I used to be have to eat in the morning. I don't have to eat in the morning. I just need something to get me out of the house with a little protein in it, maybe a couple vitamins. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

You're gonna throw parties. I just, I can't wait. I can't imagine you in an apartment. When was the last time you lived alone in prison?

[A]

I'm not gonna have any parties. None of that stupid. I don't want to. I don't like people in my house.

[B]

Oh my God.

[A]

You know, so no.

[B]

Are you nervous at all?

[A]

No, I'm nervous about furniture and all that's happened. To buy ketchup all over again. And mustard silverware and that shit's a pain in the ass. But by that time, I just talked to her today, she'll be down there. Amanda Merlo. And she goes, I got you.

[B]

Oh yeah, nice.

[A]

She goes, I got you. So I just throw some cash and

[B]

go, oh, you're not even gonna go and like test out the furniture and look at it. And that's just that I'm going to

[A]

look at it like you do go online. I like that couch right there. And then you put in your credit card and deliver it to your house. Yeah, I can live with that. Lee. It's bro. I got. If I look at it on paper like a regular human being, I got 18 more months of stand up comedy. But we all know that's a lie. It could either. If I hit the lottery, I'll quit tomorrow. Like 80 million of those where they give you like 200 million flat. There's no reason to crack jokes.

[B]

Yeah. Are you playing the lottery though?

[A]

I crack jokes where I want. I just make horrible comedy places. No, I don't play the lottery. But you know what I'm saying, if something happened obscured. Yeah, but right now I'm looking at like right now. I can't think of me not going on stage once or twice a week. Yeah, I'll stab somebody I'll stab somebody. And for me, I know how to do it. It's easy. Like in Austin, it's easy. I get there at 7:15. I'm out of there by 8:30. I got two spots under my belt. Take a walk, go eat some dinner, go back to the house, smoke some pot, watch a movie. And then they got a whole second resurgence there. At 10 o' clock you go out and do 30 other fucking.

[B]

I'm sure you could if you wanted to. And this was way too much for you. But you could probably go from seven to midnight, four or five nights a week. I mean, listen, on that one street,

[A]

I just realized where the Vulcan was last week for the first time. I've been going there for five years. I just saw the Vulcan by mistake. That's the Vulcan. And it's all right there. Yeah, it's the Vulcan. Joe's. Two doors down from Joe's, they do comedy. And then the next block is Brian, a little bit down Moore's Creek in the cave.

[B]

Yeah. And there's. And there's a ton of more places.

[A]

What?

[B]

There's more? That's even just that one strip.

[A]

You got the fucking. Where you're gonna be next week.

[B]

Cap City.

[A]

You got Helium is down in town. They're down there too.

[B]

That's Cap City.

[A]

That's Cap.

[B]

But then they have. They have like. And I. I've heard of like Antones. They have bar shows. Dude, there's a lot of. I'm very happy.

[A]

Something else. So nobody gets excited here. It has leveled down a little bit.

[B]

What do you mean?

[A]

Like, the guys were telling me some of the places closed down.

[B]

Of course.

[A]

It just got too crazy.

[B]

Places closed in New York all the time. It went up.

[A]

It went up. And now it's.

[B]

But that's good too.

[A]

There were late shows that were light at Joe's. Couple nights I was like, light, man. And they just said, it's the summer, the students are gone, you know, so it's a little bit on the quiet. That's why I said I don't. I'm not in a rush. I could do September, October, November, December. Maybe do something down there for New Year's or nice, the 30th. Something. Something different. I don't want to do New Year's, but I got all next year and I want to do. I want to go to Milwaukee.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

I already made a list of where I want to go and that's it. I'm going to keep this simple.

[B]

And that's why I like I know you're not trying to like, you know, go back to five, six nights a week, but when I was saying you're going to get good, not that you're not good now, but it's, it's just like you said, repetition. If you, if you, if you're going on stage, if you're this good at four sets a month, imagine what your standup is going to be like when you're doing 12, 15.

[A]

Well, I read an article, I read an article like 3 days ago that was fucking interesting. And it was like, and this is simple shit. They tell you to take 10,000 steps a day. That's all bullshit. That was a predominant company in Japan that started that. They tell you all these things like, Joey, you know, whenever I train with. Oh, you're at an age where you got to eat 150 grams to 200 grams of protein a day. You know what that is? That's a lot of food. Because an egg's got seven grams of protein. A can of tuna got seven grams of protein. So for me to eat 150 grams, that's two steaks, three eggs and a steak for breakfast. Lean chicken, you know, like that. I'm just throwing this at you, okay? And they're trying to figure out how come guys in jail get yoked. They don't have up to the minute equipment. There's no peptides, there's some steroids, but who can afford steroids in there? And they broke it down and they said, these guys definitely don't get 150 to 200 grams of protein a day. Definitely when you're in prison, like we had to eat ice cream and I got to use protein, protein powder. You bring protein powder in, but there ain't no blender in those days. There was no shakers. You could just shake your drink. I had access to the kitchen. That's why I could use the blender in the kitchen. So I was reading about why these guys and they don't have heavy weights and it's a lot of body weight exercise. And these guys get yoked. It's because the style that you're living, you have no job, you really have no stress. And you do get eight hours a night in the prison, believe it or not. You sleep the whole night unless you're in the black side that yell and scream all night like, like the savages, you know. Yo, Toray, you're like, it's fucking one in the morning they want to know about. Anyway, my point is that because you have all Those things that are neutralized outside of that person.

[B]

Yeah, you can just focus.

[A]

You, you grow more, you grow more. Your body doesn't have different things that it's exposed to to make you not gain muscle. It's like the perfect fucking thing. And I was thinking of how that applies to comedy. Okay, Okay. I remember there was a time I would do 10 sets a week, but between you and I, only four of them were worth the shit. So the other six sets were garbage. Were they really garbage? Were they really garbage? I still punched myself in.

[B]

You know, they served a purpose.

[A]

They served a purpose. And that's what it is. If you can only do eight spots a week, but you can only do four spots a week, make them work. Do it with an intent. And let's. Like I said, Deanna, I didn't look over my notes. That means there's no intent. Even when I go do a bucket show, I still look at shit because I want my mind registering on all whatever. So maybe the eight sets, just like for me to go into the city every night and drive two hours a night and get stuck in traffic on the way back. It's the law. Diminishing returns.

[B]

Right?

[A]

So I got to pick like two or three nights and I don't want to do that either.

[B]

Right. No, I get. And look, I mean, look at Ali Sadiq. I don't, I, and I don't want to disrespect Houston, but I'm, I'm imagining it's not like a huge mecca of stand up. I'm sure there are nights to get up, but he still lives there and is putting out like he did something this last year that I couldn't even imagine someone recording two different hours on the same night. Like he had two different hour long sets, that guy like. But my point is, is that he's not, I can't imagine he's doing the, the amount of sets that you would

[A]

do in LA or New York or

[B]

Austin or, you know, it's, it's, you can definitely do it, but it's also a process.

[A]

You have to write, bring that material up on stage. So all that shit needs to get cond. And I'm willing to do that. I'm really good at that shit. I'm better at doing that than to say eight nights a week a stand up. So for me, no matter what you do, it's doing it with an intent. Whether you're a framer, a plumber, you know, you, you put a bid on a plumbing project, can't go in there with your head up your ass. Every day fucking counts. You lose money. And once you're in the fucking red, you're going to keep losing money on that job. It's the same thing. So I figured out with comedy, listen up. And then again you have to look at what you want. I'm not looking to shoot a special. I'm not looking to get on any shows. I'm not looking for any of that shit. I want the Hollywood out of my stand up. So it's just stand up. You follow me? All that shit's out of my fucking life. I don't have to deal with an agents in the room or this guy's in the room and he books rooms. I don't give a.

[B]

There's so it's gonna sound like I'm being mean, but you're almost like a, an advanced open micr. Like you're, you're right, you're like an open micro but you're like, you know, the top level. Like that's crazy that you don't. You have no. That's all like people. My level. That's all we talk about. All we care about is like getting on this show, getting into this club. And it takes up so much time in my, in your head.

[A]

Just that mental space, all that mental space, all that, you know, your mind capacity only has a little bit. You're trying to improve and stand up. And now I got to worry about the agent. I got to worry about, oh, you can't curse in this room. I got to worry about all that shit. When you take it out of the fucking, when you take it out of the equation, it loosens the load up. I don't care if I'm woke. I don't care about what comes out of my mouth. I don't care if they cancel me at this point because they can't. There's just so many things that I don't worry about anymore. And it's made my life that much easier. But Joey, don't you want to do it? Like right now? They just hit me with an audition. I want to put that audition on tape. Like I want to get fucking raped. You know what? I got a movie. I got two days. I'm good for right now. I'm good. In the old days I would have that eating at me and run home and do it eating at me, eating at me. So I wouldn't be focused here. And I'm not going to be focused on my stand up set. I'm focused on whether or how I'm going to get this. But now I look at this and I go, what's it going to do for me? I wish I would have done all those things early, but towards the end I was doing that already. Like, what is this gonna do for me? And the big equation here, I get to meet some people, shoot something, blah, blah, blah, blah. But how much? It's a TV show on network, I can't even be me. So I wanted my standup to come to this level where I had the balls to say, like Lenny Clark did, and a lot of guys at one point, their lives. Well, I didn't do it. I'm not even comparing myself with those guys. But there's guys that just totally left LA when they were on top, like, killing it. They just left Bernie Mac, they moved to Chicago, and guess what? The opportunities got bigger because they left.

[B]

Is it almost like because you leave? You've seen more like, I don't know,

[A]

it's an air of confidence or something. Listen, talking to Josh Wolf yesterday, you know, I'm on Instagram, so I see the lineups from different places, especially Los Angeles. I know those places. Now look at these lineups. I'm not trying to be negative to anybody. What are they doing?

[B]

A lot of people left.

[A]

No, no, no, what are they doing? I was doing stand up with those Same Guys in 1997. Now they're still there doing these bars and they're on a lineup that I wouldn't want to be on. You know what I'm saying? Like, I wouldn't want to be on that lineup. And you look at that and you go, I'm so happy just to remove myself from that because I would have been in the same rotation. What we got this week, Lee? I got a 7:30 at the Improv on Monday. Tuesday, I got the laughing at the end of the week, you're like, what the fuck did I do? It's the same shit over and over and everybody gets excited about shows. It's on Sunset, the Flyer, and then you get there and there's 14 people. What I'm trying to say is that you eliminate that shit from your mind and you're gonna improve a lot more anyway. What's up, beautiful people? Fight Night is here. And only DraftKings has you fully covered. The DraftKings sports app is now available in all 50 states and includes all markets. Sweat every round of the card all in one place with one app. New DraftKings customers sign up with code Joey J O E y and spend five bucks to get 200 bucks in rewards within 21 days. That's Code Joey in partnership with DraftKings. Where hey, the crown is yours.

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[A]

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[B]

Bluechew Gold now here. And I love you to death. But just from a young or young anybody listening to this. Is it easier for you to do that because you have like a certain level of success? Like, no. You think you could have done it

[A]

Back then, I still remember when I was featuring, barely featuring, the club would call me for a feature act. And the same thing I would do, I would say, let me call you back in two minutes, I can't hear. And I would go on their website and if they had a comic that I didn't like, two of them, I wouldn't take the week because I don't want my fucking face and name on the same calendar as those kissadets I rattened. But in those days it was 550.

[B]

And still, I could still find it.

[A]

I could still steal 550, you know what I'm saying? So I looked at it that way. I just did not want to be in that rotation of names. Because at some point, like I told you, you have to start making these calls. And by you making these calls, that growth is definitely going to come because you shut down an avenue. I'm not doing this guy's work no more. George and I were having a conversation about some dude that gives him work like twice a year. It's good work, but it takes too long to pay.

[B]

Oh, yeah, you told me that.

[A]

And you gotta do this. I gotta jump through hurdles. It's my fucking money. So the job was one thing. The job was one thing. But now I gotta sit there for six weeks and wait for a check. So how much was the job really worth to you? Yeah, now I got Ajita. I don't need the fucking $600. But the fact that he still has my 600 for four months and the corporation has to sit down and decide on when they write checks, that ain't for me no more. That ain't for me no more. I bring you a frame, you cut me, you give me six bills. That's it. But now I gotta go through paperwork and I have to have the board approve it and all this shit. I don't need that in my Life. For the 600 bucks they're going to pay you, forget it. I could do three gigs and get the money and all the process I'm

[B]

putting into this one gig, that's fair, but it's. I don't know, I feel like I'm doing the opposite of what you're saying.

[A]

There's different levels of your career. Listen, I didn't think like this till about. Want me to tell you when I started thinking like this, when I got off coke and I remembered who the fuck I was, once I got off coke, I was like, okay, now I gotta play this game. Like when I was a kid, People were open bars. Quintessence. I made a promise. I'm never stepping foot in quintessence. I don't care how much coke there is. I don't care who's sucking dick. It was for my personal growth. I'm not going down there. And I stuck to it. And sometimes in life, you're gonna have a club that gives you work every fucking month. They give you MC, though, it's a good $400, but it's. They don't want to promote you. They don't want to do nothing. But you've been waiting there because you think you're gonna feature that. Oh, he says he's gonna co feature me. You know, one of the chairs in the club, you know, you go, what am I doing? And you cut off all communication with this person. But you're like, I don't need to go up there anymore and watch what happens. Something will cause it, because again, the universe is always watching. So this wasn't something. You promoted yourself. You promoted yourself. You gave yourself a raise. You said, this is what my value is and this is what I'm worth. And if you're not going to give me that, I'm not walking like in the old days. You know what? All right, I'll do it this time. Not this time. And it burns your heart when you get in that car. You're like, man, I could use that money. But I can't keep doing this with this person. He's got to pay me my fucking value. And just thinking that way, that rises you, that mentality raises you. Sometimes you're like, this is what I'm not doing no more. I'm not doing those gigs when I met you. I'm not doing $100 a day movies no more. Every other week I was getting an offer. Eleven days. Eleven days, eleven hundred dollars. That's no money when you're acting. No, no. And all of a sudden, guess what? After 11 months, I started getting offers on humane shit. Just shit. That's humane. I controlled the narrative, not them. We were talking about Portland last week, and I told you this is all gonna happen. Yeah, it's a dead week as it is. These club owners want to throw you in there just to see if by some chord something happens and you pack the place out. But it's the fourth of July weekend. Nobody wants to hear comedy on fourth of July weekend. They want to eat hot dogs, they want to try. They want to see the fireworks, you

[B]

know, especially when they're free. So, yeah, my weekend Got moved to November. So I'll see you in there. But you know, it's. And it's. It's tough because I want. I want to do. I like it. Hard thinking about telling a club owner no or like you should have with that one.

[A]

That would have been your first. No.

[B]

Oh, a headlining weekend.

[A]

No, it's a headlining room in an oven. It's not the mainstay. He's going to give it to you in the B room.

[B]

Yeah, of course.

[A]

No, I could sit at home for the 400. I could sit at home, bro. Really? He said no? Yeah, I said no. I could sit at home.

[B]

See, I'm not even talking like that.

[A]

Five flies, that's 10 hours in the air out of your life. You're losing money on the plane ticket. It's a loser all the way across. And now they want to offer you 4th of July weekend for you to prove yourself. You know what? Fuck you. I'll come back in September. And if you don't want to give it to me, that's fine too. Because you were trying to cut my legs off by me doing the fourth of July. You were going to make. You could hire somebody local for that. You could hire somebody out of Seattle. Don't make a guy come five hours. That's five fucking hours. That's ten hours.

[B]

Oh, see, that doesn't. But. And maybe it should. Maybe that's what exactly what you're saying is that I should start looking at like that. But I'm even talking about, you know, where I'm at. It would be like some of the. Some of the bar shows or maybe like a spec. Like a promoter. Like I. I've never. I've never done a trouble run but like maybe somewhere like a creepy guy like that I don't answer his call. But even that I did just tell. I just decided and it really sucked. Everyone nice. I don't have spots. There's this club that I really like that is going through something and I told the. I told the new owner that I have to wait to go there until some weird stuff is not like they're not going through this thing anymore with

[A]

the guy grabbing the girl's.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. So I was the club still getting heat over there?

[B]

Yeah. It's changing ownership and I love the place. It's been. They've been nothing but good to me. It's. Honestly, I feel like it's like a part like my home club in New York. But just the fact that because I saw what was. What was happening and Some. And the fact that someone is still there acting like nothing ever happened. Acting, you know, and I don't know. It could be false. I'm not. Who knows what actually happened. But to have all that happening, I didn't want. I didn't want someone who has an opinion about it any sort of way because it's a big deal to affect me. So I told. So that it's changing ownership. I've told it and I love the kid who, who owns it and runs it, but I, I. That is something that I did. And it. It. I almost broke. I almost texted him a couple times when I didn't have spots because I wanted.

[A]

Told me, you don't want to do the club no more.

[B]

I just told him I want to wait until. Until the ownership changes. And he got. He totally. And, you know, I was really scared to send the. To talk to him about it. And he was like, surprisingly, like, I thought he was gonna be like, you, I've put you up. You. You're not doing shows with me even when it changes. Couldn't have been cool about it. He's like, I totally get it. It's a shitty situation. Love to have you back whenever. Whenever things change. So, like, oh, maybe it is. And that even in New York, I've been waiting for, like, I. I don't know how people get passed, like, all these. All you guys talk about getting past places. I thought, like, you were just sitting at the club one day, you did a spot and like, the booker was like, now you. Your past or you have to do an. I'm sure that does happen occasionally, but I like, realized like four months ago, like, oh, I have to. I should ask to get past places. And it, like, some of them tell me, like, you know, where we do auditions X amount of times a year or whatever. But other places, like, oh, yeah, sure. Like, I've seen you. You're funny. And like, I've been waiting for them to like, like, night me almost. Like, that's what. Like that's what getting past feels like.

[A]

But it's like, oh, you have to ask your question. You married your wife in December. Mm. After you got home after the wedding, was she any different to you?

[B]

No, it's been the same. Yeah,

[A]

Same thing goes for those comedy clubs.

[B]

What do you mean?

[A]

We get so excited about getting them one and nothing happens.

[B]

Oh, getting past. Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Like, nothing happens and then you do get passed and maybe nothing happens, but

[B]

at least the way I feel about it is. I. It's crazy how quickly the Time passes, I'm like, where was I last July 4th, comedically? And I'm. I'm sure I could have done better or worked harder. I'm not saying I did everything I wanted to do, but I'm. I'm definitely not the same. And I'm not less. I'm definitely funnier. I'm definitely doing more spots. I'm doing more in New York. It's not at all as fast as I'd like it to be.

[A]

Never is.

[B]

But that's. Yeah, I might get past and then do like. I think I have a spot. I just got passed at this other place. I think I have a spot in like a week or two. It's like the one spot I have this month, but I feel like Hopefully, Nick, next July 4th, I'm doing one spot a night at a real club. I'd like to be doing two or three. But, like, just realistically, if I could average five during the week at just a club, like not a bar, man, we'll see. Hopefully it's more. Hopefully. You know, I'm starting. I finally, after years of you telling me I'm finally starting a show at a club, very excited. But it's just. I don't know. That's how I'm measuring myself is, where was I last year?

[A]

Last year? Which is. No, no, that's how we all do it. And I do it a couple times a year. It's January 1st, like this last weekend, I had a long talk with myself. That's it. Six months have passed. What the fuck are we doing? What the fuck are we doing? So now, since I got back, I've been kicking it up comedically and making more calls because it picks you up. And then I'll do it again September, and then I got a wild bug up my ass and I'll do it again in November, you know, but every year, you bait, you look at where you were the year before and I want everybody to remember this. I did comedy for six years before I moved to la, which I think was fucking too short to move to la. I always thought in my head if I did move, It'd be like 10 years in. I got that, the six year mark. And it took me, you know, couple years to get a movie, couple years to get a TV show. It wasn't a lot of them, whatever, but at least I got something once a year. And then we got the longest yard. And then, you know, my name is Earl and I was looking at life through that. Like I used to do co stars Now I'm doing guest stars or whatever the fuck, but at the same time, comedically talk. Nothing happened for me from 97. Tamercy was born 2013 and I had done specials. I had them on Apple. They never did nothing. I swung, you know, but nothing really happened.

[B]

Well, the movies happened.

[A]

Well, once the movies happened, at least something happened. So that slows your roll. That gives you a little bit more confidence. But standup wise, I was always with shitty agents or, you know, theatrical agents, and I would have to train them and do all that shit, which I didn't mind. My point is that I waited while everybody else grew and got rich around me. How do you think that felt? Nevermind getting spots, but when you're hanging out with Ralphie May and next thing you know he's in a house with a pound of weed on his fucking thing, you guys used to have a hard time getting a 20. So I just in my mind not to say that I was a loser, but to buy into that, I said that I'm next on the conveyor belt. It's just conveyor belt, man. Which is conveyor belts. And you're there for a while. You move up a little on the conveyor belt. Oh, he got a couple movies, but standup was still going by. And on some point I just happened to get on that conveyor belt. Then Ari started a storytelling show and then everything came into more. But it was 14 years, guys.

[B]

Fuck.

[A]

Even close. Yeah. 91 to 2012. Until now. Here's the funny thing, but I could see if you just busted out in 2012. But I had a role in a couple big movies. I wasn't selling tickets. So I want people to understand at home, this is a fucking marathon. And. Yeah, but Joey, that's easy for you to say. No, no, no, it ain't. Because this is a fucking marathon. And guess what? Shit's gonna happen at the 25 year mark and shit's gonna happen at the 30 year mark and you're gonna go, wow. But that first mark is very hard. You don't become a household name, but you're somebody that people know now. People come up to you once a month and going, hey, aren't you a comedian? Yeah, yeah. I went to the store one night, I see you, and it feels good, you know?

[B]

Yeah, of course.

[A]

But it's a slow process and the more you rush it in your mind, it's gonna hurt more. It's gonna hurt more because you're gonna go, I'm doing all this shit. But you're not doing all that shit. You're doing the shit around you. You're not doing the main shit, which is writing and putting up material every fucking day and going out every night. Right now, I'm not a comic. I'm a part time hobbyist. I go out once a week, twice if I'm lucky. When I was hungry and the fucking. You know, I was in the green room last week with all these big names and they're all talking and I'm looking like, Cristina Mariani still has a notebook and she's still making notes before she goes on stage. I felt like saying, hey, guys, remember when we used to do that?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It takes time, man. And if you do get something quick, it's not good for you. It's not good for you. Because I want you to see other people that you're on stage with every other night get big and see how they behave. See what their behavior is now. Cause before all this shit could happen, you gotta be prepared for this because your world is gonna change. You're gonna go from walking into a club and they're like, hey, how are you to. Hey, when do you wanna go up? Now. Do you want a water? Do you want a foot rubber? I'm the same guy I was last year.

[B]

That part sounds nice, huh? That part sounds nice.

[A]

Do you understand when you put it by the 2008 mark? Well, I watched the desperation off me earlier than that. But by 2008, once I got off the coke, I realized that it wasn't about comedy. It wasn't about anything. It was about me developing as a man. And then the comedy would on top of that. And that's what I tell people all the time, that before you're a comedian, you're a fucking man. So it's like too many people get into comedy and people say things to them and they get lost in the shuffle. And now you just become a punching bag for the comedy community. You know, I see guys that are featuring for 20 years, they just became punching bags, you know? And you leave this fucking planet a feature act. So what you try to do is just know that it's going to take time and focus on what's going to get you there. You know, if I got a lion and take a picture for Atlantic City, is it going to really sell out? You know what I mean? Like, there's just so many fucking things that we try to do to accelerate the process, but it's just time. And it's. By the time you get on that compressor belt, how Long to the top. How many people are going to drop off? Who's going to od? Who's going to die, who's going to fucking get hit by a truck? All these things help you.

[B]

That's fucked up.

[A]

I can tell you, man. With me, it was a couple things that helped me, and one guy had to die. I'm not gonna say who was, but that mother. When he died, I'm like, oh, thank God. I gotta. I got on the conveyor belt.

[B]

Oh, that's up.

[A]

I'm on the conveyor belt.

[B]

But it's true.

[A]

But it's very true, my friend.

[B]

Especially when you're. When you've been doing it for 14. I'm only in my, like, going into my 10th year doing four more of feeling like you're not getting what everyone's getting. You weren't happy that he was dead, but it was like, that was your second thought.

[A]

Yeah. Once he died, I saw that he was dying or something like, oh, shit, my conveyor belt is opening without me having to push anybody off the belt. But all these little things, man, and it's just keeping it together till you get there. Once you have so much confidence in yourself that you're like, I'm doing this type of shit, but nobody's watching. Good. I'm happy they're not watching. Watch me now, you know, and it's focusing on that stuff. And that's what I think helped me out. But I look back now, I still remember I used to get like, this ain't lying to anybody in this room. I would get like $30 a quarter from Apple when I had, like, Live at the Four Aces and the other Piece of Shit album I did. And then I remember going on Rogan and being at dinner, like, in December, and I got a text from the Apple guy. Like, he was friends of mine. At the same time, he's like, hey, man, I'm sending out this amount for you. The other day, it was like $900, and I almost died at the dinner table. I go, I've had these albums up here. I've never done 30. A quarter, four quarters, you get checks. That was the first. And I remember being at dinner going, holy fuck, something's going on. Somebody bought a lot of albums or they made a mistake. I couldn't even enjoy my dinner because I'm like, man, I'm gonna get caught. Somebody did something fucked up. But it was. I didn't even know what I was doing, but I was doing it. Every time I go on Rogue and I Talk shit. You get off the podcast, they look for your shit and they buy it. So it takes a long time, man. And I'm happy everything worked out like it did with me. I'm really happy. Listen, I wish it would have happened in 2005. I mean, I'm the only guy didn't get anything from the longest yard. Nothing, nothing. Chris Rock got something. Lobo got something. The black dude that makes the tits go up and down got something. Everybody got something. Nick Natural got something. I didn't got nothing. So I knew something was coming down the pipe. I didn't know it was going to be this. I didn't know it was going to get to this extreme. But patience is not a virtue. It's everything in this type of shit. Nick's a politician, aspiring politician. He better stick a patience pill up his ass. That's it. It's patience. Now, you believe in yourself, you do the best that you could do. But in those type of positions, there's so many other circumstances that are going on. It's not like me being a baseball player. I know my job. I gotta hit 40 home runs. As long as I hit my 40 home runs, I'm fucking good with politics, with stand up. I don't know what else is brewing, right? You know, HBO might send you a fucking thing tomorrow and go, lee, we're doing a show on Jew comics, young Jew comics. We saw you at the stand, you're perfect for it. What do you do? You go home, call mom, hug the wife, pet the dog. You call me, you call Nick, you call George, and all of a sudden the names come out and you're like, I've never heard of these people again. Because you forgot L. A, you forgot about the Jews in la, and those Jews are around those Jews more, so they're automatically going to put them on your show, Right? You know, it was a dirty show they did years ago. I was perfect for it. I didn't even get a call.

[B]

Montreal.

[A]

No, it was for like an HBO show years ago. You know what feelings being hurt is? That's when feelings are hurt.

[B]

Montreal.

[A]

No, it's like a HBO series. And they called me and they didn't call me. They called everybody. They even put people on that weren't dirty over me.

[B]

Oh, Jesus.

[A]

How do you think I felt?

[B]

And I'm sure you're not going to blame it, but, like, when you were really big, do you think that's part of the reason why? Like when you're £400.

[A]

About what?

[B]

Like why people, why they might not have given you opportunities.

[A]

Look at Ralphie May.

[B]

That's true.

[A]

Fat is fat. And funny is funny. Whether I look like a skeleton or I look like a human sloth, funny is fucking funny, okay? Selling tickets and them accepting you has nothing to do with anything. That's what I'm saying to people. We mix all this shit up. And I hadn't had more pressure, me just being funny. If you just stick to that, how do I get funny? I want to do a bit and do machine guns after every bit. And I want eight of those in a row. So eight times five is 40 minutes. Plus the little machine guns. That takes me 10 more minutes. That's 50 minutes. You know, when I watch John Mulaney, I wish I could write like him. And I get upset with myself, but I got shit that John Mulaney don't have, and John has shit I don't have. And we built on those or we don't build. He's a great writer. I'm not a great writer like that. I try. I try. So there's all things but patience. Whether you're selling houses and you're getting into it, you know, I love these people. I'm going to do this, and my life's going to change. Good luck. I know a lot of people that do the same thing and their life ain't changing. So good fucking luck to you. It's, you know, the time that you make of it. But I don't. Like. I let things go early on, like in 2000. By 2001, I couldn't get jealous about other people. I just stopped worrying about other people. What somebody's going to do in their career and how long it's going to take me. Is two different. It might take you 20 minutes to get to the. To the. What's the place you used to live?

[B]

Hoboken?

[A]

No, Stonehenge. Might take you 25 minutes to walk there. Might take me three hours. Well, the other side. It doesn't matter. You're still gonna get there.

[B]

It's hard to. I don't know. I struggle with being patient. It's.

[A]

You're fucking Jew.

[B]

You never fucking patient doesn't help.

[A]

You're neurotic. You have. That's why you need to be high 24 hours a day. Like I told you for years. But again, my voice is impossible to

[B]

be high 24 hours.

[A]

801. You're smoking. Right on. Right when you're talking to those podcast people. What are you doing? Nothing. I'm swatting Flies, you know what I'm saying? Because your neuroticism is going to take you down before you make the call. You already talk yourself out of the move when we're gambling, you lose 199, you refuse to go in your pocket and get five more dollars, you're done, you're defeated. We're gonna roast beef sandwich and come back. Who gives a. Yeah, you love to gamble. You know what they're doing. I can't take the same attitude because I don't know what they're doing. I'm looking at you. I'm looking at you and Nick and everybody around.

[B]

You're so good with numbers. And in the blackjack table, you look at them like you don't know what you're looking at.

[A]

I don't know what I'm looking at. Everybody has these rules. If the dealer has fucking this car, you can't go bet against the D. I ain't got no time for me because I know in the back of my head it's just luck. It's just me being at the right place at the right time. What if I would have put $5 on that thing that rotates? Remember that thing that kept rotating while we're playing blackjack? If you get 21 or 11, and I would have got 85, you get the progressive.

[B]

Yeah, it's great.

[A]

Meanwhile, sorry about that. Excuse me. I came out of the wrong place.

[B]

I think it might be what was the right place.

[A]

I came out of this side. It came out of that side of the lung.

[B]

Oh, my God. Yeah.

[A]

I mean, it's like. And guys, if I was here when I was 25, all you motherfuckers know I'd be lying to you. All of you. But I put it together. By the time I was like, 40, 43, I'm like, this is a marathon. And I ain't got nowhere to go. I got till I'm 65 to do something. And Rodney Dangerfield made it when he was old. We got something. At least. I had, like, an inspiration that could be done. I didn't know it was going to happen. I just kept telling myself that as I was losing more and more every year, I'm like, well, I'll make a comeback when I'm 60. Nah, it don't happen that way. But it did. Yeah, and you're still grateful it did.

[B]

It's not even a comeback.

[A]

You're still going and grateful it did. But at the same time, there was a point where I just knew it's just a matter of time. I'm doing all the right things. I'm booking little TV shows, I'm taking an acting class from time to time. I'm opening for Joe. I'm doing my own headlining, I'm doing spots at the store. So eventually all that, you know, well, if you exercise, you're going to live to your 95. That's great, but you're not. It's getting sunlight, low stress, you know, eating right eight hours a night. There's just so many fucking variables. And not just for that. It's for anything that we attempt to do. So if you want to get bigger, you have to do all that shit continuously. You know, whatever you call that word, continuously. No. Anyway, it doesn't fucking matter. But that everybody thinks it's one thing. It's not one thing. It's all the things you're doing alongside there. Listen, I'm a professional basketball player for the Celtics. I just don't shoot hoops all fucking day. I lift weights, I gotta run eight miles a day for my conditioning. I gotta lift weights. I gotta do a specific thing because in college I tore my elbow. So I got to go still to PT for my shooting. It's a thousand things, you know, everybody hates on him. LeBron doesn't just shoot hoops all day. He's lifting weights, he's shooting steroids, he's doing.

[B]

Talk about spending. And this is years ago, but he was spending like a million a year on himself.

[A]

Yeah. That's his investment. So how can we invest as comics? What can we do? Get a coach. Some bum comedy coach. You know, the guys that try to be comedy coaches have never done anything. What'd you do? Oh, but the fucking guys who did don't know how to coach. Like, I wouldn't be a good coach. Because I want you to approach it a certain style, and if you do, I lose interest. But I would be a good coach, but it's not something I want to do.

[B]

I honestly think that only in stand up, I would say this because you, like, I hope I'm doing it in 30 years. So anyone who would like you'd like to coach you is like, I know, I'm too busy, I'm touring.

[A]

Like, I'm on the other side of this. Even though I just told you I had fly 65, if you think I thought that I was going to be doing stand up after 50, you got rocks in your fucking head. I didn't even see myself old doing stand up. I'm like, by that time, I'll be Dead or I'll d. Or something like that.

[B]

So that wasn't a standup issue. You just thought you were going to be dead?

[A]

Yeah, so I was positive about some

[B]

things, but it's not positive.

[A]

Very negative about others.

[B]

He thought you'd be dead by fear. Oh, Jesus Christ. At what age did you think that? About what were you, like 33? And you're like, I'll be dead by 50?

[A]

Well, I always thought I was gonna die. When I'm 37, NY2K came and I didn't die that morning, even though I didn't do coke that night. I gave it a couple days. I'll be dead, but I didn't die. So I'm like, I better start thinking about my 40s now.

[B]

That's a crazy. That's a up thought to have, man.

[A]

All this. Whether you join the service, no matter what you do, it's going to take time. Because if I just give it to you, think about that. You just got on a show after two years, killed. Are you good, though?

[B]

Like, I don't know, like, that. I. I understand what you're saying, but, like, what if. And like, just like Cam comes to mind, how he's just killing and I don't know who Cam Patterson.

[A]

Okay. I saw him down there and he's.

[B]

He's not. He's more than two years in, but he's young and he's like five or six. But, like, he's one guy. As I'm a jealous person. When I saw him the first time, I was like, okay, yeah, I don't. Not that I'm not going to be that good, but I'm like, I am. He deserves what he is doing. Like, I don't know, like, if you.

[A]

Cam Patterson has a lot of qualities.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He's good looking, he's likable, he's got a great smile. He's funny, he's vibrant and he's energetic. Right. Let's just start with those six, you know what I'm saying? Like, first time I saw Stanhope at Seattle, I wanted to quit too. Cause in my mind, you'll never be that good.

[B]

Right.

[A]

But then after you think about it and go home and think about it and go, wow. I don't have Cam Patterson's smile. I don't have his eligibility.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I have two other things that he might have, so I'll work on those. That's looking at yourself in a positive manner. That's why I said, you cannot base your career off anybody else because it'll drive you crazy, right? It'll drive you crazy. This guy did it for two weeks and he got on NBC and you're like eight years. They haven't even talked to you, you know, so how do you think you feel? And that's a lot of people. That's me, too. And at one point it bothers you so much, you have to let it go. Like, I can't continue to walk around thinking this way because it's just gonna.

[B]

Right?

[A]

It's a waste of fucking attitude, you know?

[B]

But you think that in most cases, getting in early is not great and it's worth it to wait.

[A]

I saw a lot of people came too early and they had to stop what they were doing to go back and do the work. I don't ever want to stop what I'm doing to go back and do the work. When I show up to the dance, it's because I'm prepared. So I want you to think of it like that. If you don't feel prepared, don't show up to the dance. Nothing wrong with that. Everybody gets a sore throat from time to time.

[B]

Okay? It's tough. It's tough to know when you're prepared and when you're not.

[A]

You're always preparing, right?

[B]

Because you're always going to get better.

[A]

Bust your balls with. What's the word I always use in training? Yeah, we are always in training. Always, always, always, always, always. We're always training. Smoking dope, eating pussy, writing jokes early, drinking freshly squeezed orange juice. This is it. The more good things you do. Look, I quit Coke for eight years. You know, it finally clicked. I told you that from 2004 to 2007, I was quitting every time I got high, but it finally clicked. It just clicked one time. One time it stuck to it. You know, you put fucking glue on your flat tire because you're broken and fucking. You do it 10 times every two days, it pops again. A seal, whatever the fuck. This one time, you sealed it, right? You used a Mexican to seal it. You've been to fucking Jupiter and back eight times. That tire hasn't popped. What? What are you laughing about?

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

And that's it. It's just patience. Nobody's going to sell you that when you're in your 20s and your 30s because they couldn't sell it to me. But once you get beat up so much, people say, oh, well, he's a wise person. You don't become wise by not making mistakes. You become wise by making a lot of fucking Mistakes and going. I ain't making that because that one leads to that one. You follow me? Like today, Bojangles open in my neighborhood. I hate all that shit.

[B]

You hate chicken?

[A]

I hate all anything fast food with chicken. Because I know the chickens are getting kicked. They're not the chickens you get at home. What's the kosher company you said before Empire. Great, those chickens. They don't sell those at fucking Bojangle?

[B]

No.

[A]

And then I gotta eat biscuits in there. And I don't eat biscuits. And then somebody like George will put honey on it in front of me to really get my blood pressure going.

[B]

They give you the honey though, because

[A]

we're from Jersey, we don't put honey on our fucking buns like this.

[B]

A little butter, a little honey.

[A]

No honey. Butter is good honey. Save it for fucking. You know Red Bank? When you go to Red bank with your friends or Asbury park, you can put. I don't even like jelly on people's like my daughter, my wife eat jelly. I want to smash them both in the head every time. And my wife makes that shit in Tennessee. Those preserves. Every day for years I was throwing them out, just throwing them out. She would make them, I just draw them out. She'd even tell me, anybody you know what's going on now? I give them like a two weeks and I just throw it out.

[B]

Why do you hate it?

[A]

I see mercy eating it. I throw it out.

[B]

I know what I'm bringing you in Austin.

[A]

Cause this is Jersey, motherfucker. We don't eat fucking preserves in Jersey. All right, you want to eat jelly? I better see cream cheese on that bitch. If not, you're wasting my time and everybody else's time. My wife, I take her to a diner, she puts fucking jelly on her toast. Ask her if she goes to eat breakfast with me no more. It aggravated me that much. I go solo now to the diner. Ask me. Ask her. She kept putting jelly on that toast. I ain't going to fly, dog.

[B]

Why?

[A]

This is a Jersey diner.

[B]

What are you eating it?

[A]

No, I don't touch it.

[B]

So why don't you?

[A]

Look at you. If you put jelly on your toes.

[B]

Why?

[A]

Because you're a little faggot, that's why.

[B]

I. I understand. Blue cheese with wings.

[A]

I understand. No, you don't. A lot of people don't understand anything. This is Jerry. You want to move to California? Jelly on your seven grain toast? I love seven grain toast and I love jelly, but I ain't putting jelly on my seven grain toast in Jersey. You want to do that in New Mexico or Santa Fe where white people are very nice. Or you got those Jewish gentiles, the ones that are the Jews, but every time the Jews do something bad, they don't commit. You know, those Jewish gentiles? No, I don't fuck with that. But I don't like that shit. My wife always tries to do that shit to me. I just stopped taking her to breakfast. That's it. No more breakfast. You want to eat jelly, eat at home. You think I'm fucking kidding you? Ask her.

[B]

I love it.

[A]

Ask her when the last time she went for steak and eggs with me at that diner. No more.

[B]

Does she know she's banned or did

[A]

I banned her personally? I 86'd her from the Jew Deli and I 86'd her from Manala Pandan.

[B]

I can't believe this many years in, I'm still finding new rules about jelly.

[A]

I have taken my wife to lunch. When I go in a restaurant, gentlemen, I already know what I want. You look at the menu as a courtesy. To act like a civilian, to act like a normal human being. But I already know what I want. So when you tell that waitress the bar is packed and you with your stupidity, tell that waitress to come back. You haven't made up your mind yet. I don't know if you know this. You have a knife coming through your head from me. Wait. You want people to have the order

[B]

ready to go before they get there?

[A]

Why don't we walk in? Why play games? You already know what you want. There's no high. There's hunger. There's no high. That's the problem in America. Everyone wants to talk too much. There's no high. I already know I want the green pea soup. And I already know I want the mussels. The specials are special. I'll eat that later. I'll look at that later. But right now we got to open up with this. I ain't got time to think or go back to that table and come back because now she's going to go to that table and the whole tray of glass is going to fall down. Now you're sitting there 20 extra minutes because you didn't know what you wanted and I got to suffer. So as soon as I see you with that shit, that's the last time you go to lunch with me. You already know you're going to that restaurant. I don't care if I'm driving and you're looking at the phone to see what the menu is there. But I'm not going there because I'm a fucking. I'm not going it because I'm a casual dude. I'm going there because I know what the fuck they want and I know what they got and I know what I want. There ain't no two ways and every minute.

[B]

So what, what, how long? Like, let's say we go to a place that we didn't know we were going. We just ended up there. How long do I have with the menu?

[A]

A second water. You're all ready. You ever throw them off? I'm just going to drop the water and let you decide. There's nothing to decide.

[B]

All right. Yeah, I love that.

[A]

We're going to keep you right here because one of these motherfuckers at the table knows what he wants. So us three better get it together by the time they come to us. So chop chop. Because I ain't waiting next to 20 minutes because you want to order an appetizer and come back later. Go your mother. I'm going in there with an intention. I'm going in there with an intention. I suggest you go in there with one off if you're going to sit there with a menu. What's in this? Listen, we ain't got time for that. Not today. You want a recipe? Go watch May. Whatever Bobby Flay. There's no recipes here.

[B]

Do you split dishes with people like, I'll have half of yours, you have half of mine.

[A]

Not really. Not really? Didn't they shoot that guy in the head for putting his fork and fill the tado's spaghetti?

[B]

What? In the show, Big disrespect.

[A]

I'll ask you, you want. Or you'll say to me, joe, I don't want this. You want to take it? But for me to reach over and take your sausage. No. Yeah, I'd rather spit in your food, if anything. Yeah. What's all this? That's a dry. That's why I stopped those big dinners and all that, because it's too much. People gotta decide and think and ain't nothing to think about.

[B]

Is that why you like steak? Because, like, there's not too many choices?

[A]

You're like, that's it.

[B]

I want steak.

[A]

Get a steak. Always, always takes care of everything. A steak or a lobster tail, right? Tricky Nicky, you could want anything in the world. Somebody goes, I got a nice steamed steak. I'm gonna drip some butter, bring it over. You only chow. Chow with that, Whatever the fuck. But this shit of going to a restaurant and becoming Confucius and Thinking, do

[B]

you ever ask the server in the middle of the order? Yeah.

[A]

This knucklehead says, hey, what did you get? Chicken cordon bleu. You know who makes really chicken cordon blue? Now that waitress even more mad because knucklehead had to say where it was better, which it really is.

[B]

And she has to smile, just has

[A]

to say it,

[B]

and he doesn't. Instead of just ordering, just ordering, keeping his mouth shut.

[A]

Just keep your mouth shut. Order the meal, don't worry about nothing.

[B]

Do you ever ask the server for like their opinion on a food?

[A]

Not really. Look at the server.

[B]

Yeah, but they work there.

[A]

Yeah, but. But they don't know. They've been eating TV dinners all their life and now they eat a pork roll and they're losing their mind. I don't. It's like going to the weed store and asking one of those hemophiliacs what's the weed of the day. Oh my God. Get the fuck. I want the guy that's all fucked up that lost his wife, he's smoking the real shit. Not that good looking faggot in the corner. He ain't smoking nothing.

[B]

And how, how do you handle, like, people who make modifications. Like, can I have this, but can I have it with the sauce from this thing? Or can I have it with steak instead of this?

[A]

Look at me next time. I'm just searing, I'm just burning. Just have it how it comes, like the way it comes in prison. The way it comes in prison is the way it is every day, all right? That's why women who complain, they don't go to eat either. Well, I really, I like it darker. Listen, then you shouldn't have come here tonight. You shouldn't have come here. I'm not here for you. Your dumb husband brought you. I'm not here for you. I don't give a fuck if you eat poison. Me. I already know what I mean. I walked in here with an intention already. I already know why waste time, ain't got time for that shit. Clicking glasses and salute. Of course. Suck your mother's asshole. I don't want to salute you if you fucking paid me. All right?

[B]

Have they have. Do servers ever come to you with like the first glass of wine and have you like, tasted and prove it?

[A]

First of all, I don't drink wine.

[B]

Never?

[A]

No, not in a restaurant, like a fag for $400 a bottle to make believe I'm cool. And you have to smell it. Yeah, and all that shit. Give me a fucking break. Meanwhile her and him was sucking dick at White Castle a month ago. You didn't do that with the sperm, did you? You didn't sniff it with that sperm. So all that shit don't fly with me. I walk into a cigar shop and tell them, what's the best cigar? Then I make a correlation. 20 bucks. Give it to me. If you think I'm going to sit there. Oh, the rapper is nutty. What are you talking about? What are you, a cigar? Fucking go upstairs before I smack you. All these fucking idiots. They buy and white people love it. White people will buy, right? You know they love that. To impress, you know?

[B]

I can't. It's. Dude, I wanted to get lamb. Remember we went to a steakhouse and they had lamb and Becky and I

[A]

wanted to split lamb, but there's no lamb.

[B]

That night there was lamb.

[A]

There was no lamb because I was there. Because I'm enjoying my dinner. Now I gotta smell your stinky fucking lamb from wherever country that comes from. I want a lamb.

[B]

It's an American lamb.

[A]

That's great. You eat it next time you're jumping up and down the Village or wherever the fuck you go for dinner. Wham.

[B]

And delicious.

[A]

It's delicious. Yeah. Good. I am brutal. And George will tell you, since a young age, I knew I was brutal. So I do things by myself. I don't mind going to movie theater by myself. No, that's great because I don't have to hear, it's cold in here. I don't want to hear that. Oh, my God, these guys are talking. I don't want to hear none of that shit. You came to a movie today. Now I got to pull and that women especially. I have blown so many dates in my life just by them saying a couple lines. Listen, we got to go home. I'll make up some reason. When I was in Boulder, I'm not doing it. I'm just not going for it. I am comfortable being by myself. So I don't give a fuck if this go for Chinese restaurants and they order something weird. Not at my Chinese restaurant, motherfucker. That's my go to. It's like my wife with the bagel place. You can't cause no scenes in here. I'll stab you in the neck. You understand me? This is my bagel place. You cannot come in here and manipulate people. Shut your mouth. Order what's on the menu and don't worry about what's on the counter. It's got nothing to do with you.

[B]

What would happen if you got banned from your Bagel place.

[A]

I go to another one. There's three other ones up there, but I like the pale juice because they keep it simple. Egg, egg and cheese, fucking egg, tuna, egg salad, tuna. Or whitefish on a bagel. That's a beautiful place for a guy like me.

[B]

Quick, easy.

[A]

First of all, he won't say, you know, who's got good whitefish, you know what I'm saying? Like I don't have to hear that shit on the line to make me feel worse than I already fucking feel. Hey, Uncle Joey here. All right. You need to cool down for the summer. Let in the Cloud, help you take the edge off. In the Cloud has everything you need to celebrate and unwind. Soda flavored gummies and zero calorie THC sodas. Huh huh, huh. They also got premium vapes fat pre rolls and high quality flour. THC cereal bite edibles. Perfect for a day on a couch. Listen, if you want to see the devil, you got to go with some in the Cloud. Especially those little werewolves they got. They'll put you on a different planet. Plus you're eating everything in sight. All in the Cloud products are legal, federally legal. THC, everything sold is DEA certified and lab tested, man. So if you're 21 over, go to indiclad in the cloud co again, that's dot co not dot com and use code church. C h u r c h for 30% off your first subscription order. That's in the cloud. Dot code church for 30% off. Did you hear that? 30% off. Ship routinely and discreetly to your door. Nobody knows nothing. Plus you got free gifts on qualifying order. After you order, fill out the survey and say that Uncle Joey sent you to church. Enjoy responsibly. And I want to thank in the Cloud for always supporting the podcast. Have a great week.

[B]

Interesting. Dude.

[A]

Yeah, I got it off my chest and I feel good.

[B]

Jelly is such a specific. Did something happen with jelly?

[A]

I just. This is Jersey.

[B]

What does that mean?

[A]

This is Jersey. You want to use jelly, cream cheese. If not, no peanut butter either. Peanut butter goes with jelly. That's another disinformation. Peanut butter goes with jelly.

[B]

You don't want just a plain peanut butter toast?

[A]

No, put some jelly on that.

[B]

Does it make sense to you or do you know it's just like a crazy rule?

[A]

I have crazy rules. I love them because it keeps me sane, it keeps me honest and it keeps the drama away.

[B]

Sounds like you're adding drama.

[A]

My what?

[B]

You hate jelly.

[A]

I eliminate the whole chit chat of the process too. Much chit chat and order a meal. That's it. When you go to prison, you don't even order your meal. You put your tray down, they give you what you got. Same difference. All of a sudden you want to. Well, does the feel, Is it lightly salted? Does it come from New Zealand? Who gives a fuck? Who gives a fuck? Again, you're throwing questions to be cool. Don't hit me with that shit. Do that with your white friends. Don't do that here. Just eat what's on the menu. But they got steak. But they got prime rib. They got lobster tail. You couldn't keep it at. You want to be a fucking idiot and order something completely out of realm to make me feel bad, like I don't know what I mean? Well, you didn't try the escargot. Listen. Go fuck yourself, okay? You know, I don't need to. I'm 63. If I knew I wanted that, I would have ordered it years ago. Wait till you just wake up when you're 60 and go, today's the day. I'm going to eat broccoli. No, you're not. If you haven't eaten it before, you're not going to eat it now. So what makes you think any of that shit's going to change?

[B]

It won't.

[A]

It doesn't. Why do we add so much drama to all those aspects? I told you about driving two hours for a piece of pizza. We just add drama to our lives. This is New Jersey. This ain't California. You don't need to drive to these places to tell your fucking goofy friends I went all the way up there to get a piece of pizza. Cause you're retarded. You know how much things I could have done in three hours?

[B]

What else are you gonna do?

[A]

Anything. Anything is better than being a fucking suck ass. There's pizza right in North Bergen by my house. I got two, three pizza places. I'm gonna drive three hours looking for pizza. I got that little kind of.

[B]

Yeah, looking for it. You know where. You know where it is?

[A]

Yeah, I got good pizza in my block. I gotta be cool. Oh, you gotta go to Danongalos. You know, the weirder the name, the more you know empty barrels make the most noise. So give that pizza like an Italian name and these suckers go for it. Delangelo's. Oh, you gotta go down there. It's about 30 minutes away. The guy is great. Listen, the pizza with Maya is just as good. I don't have to play, I don't have to Know the owner. I need to know nothing about him. Just give me two slices and a piece of fucking Coke. I don't want to know the history. Your pizza place, you know, what water you use.

[B]

Have you heard of the new one in New York series?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, all the time. My friends talk about it all the time. Hang out with little. What's this one?

[B]

It's run by like two Michelin star chefs, but the pizzas are like 50, 60 bucks.

[A]

Oh, my God. Okay, so it's.

[B]

And you have to like wait. I haven't done it. You have to like wait in line as it opens. But it's supposed to be fantastic.

[A]

Roma pizza. I'll take a roam over there. They won't know what to do. All these white kids. Do you have wine? All that shit? That's all part of the Pussification of America plan. All that is really $60 for a pizza pie?

[B]

Yeah,

[A]

that's supposed to be that pizza we have Friday night, bro. Friday night, it was Eve and I went nuts. I had like three or four slices and we ate fucking edibles. I was making these guys smoke 53% weed. We were fucked up. Jack cleaned the pipe out. We ate some taffies. We had some fucking werewolves. We tore up two pieces. Cuban steak sandwiches.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

Fucking tore shit up that night.

[B]

How many edibles?

[A]

Oh, it was endless. I woke up the next day, I smelt like something out of a fucking weed place. Edibles. Fucking weed. I did something else. I didn't crack up those mushrooms, but I ended up doing something else that night. I had like a. One of those painkillers, the morphine. I had a 15 milligram morphine pill. I was ready to bite a in the neck, you know what I'm saying?

[B]

Happy 4th of July.

[A]

Happy 4th of July to you, man. Where you at this week?

[B]

Baltimore. I'm. Thursday night, I'm at the Port Comedy Club in Baltimore. It's gonna be great. Tickets are under 20 bucks. Very excited, love. I just did it. The club's great.

[A]

What?

[B]

I said I just did. The Port Comedy Club.

[A]

Well, that's where you're at. What night?

[B]

Thursday night.

[A]

What about Friday and Saturday?

[B]

Wednesday night I have a show in the city here. Friday I'm doing Don't tell in Virginia,

[A]

and then all the way to Virginia.

[B]

I'm already gonna be in Maryland. Okay, all right, so I'm headlining, Don't Tell.

[A]

What about Sunday? You're back at the club where they grab women's.

[B]

Well, no. Saturday, hopefully. We have our friend's wedding Come on. Yeah, and then your friend too.

[A]

Oh, Pedro. Oh, that's right. Saturday night.

[B]

So, yes, well, we'll drive back from that and try to make it to his wedding. That's the plan. And yeah, I have shows coming up in New York. St. Mark's July 30th. It's going to be a bucket show.

[A]

July 30th. Right now, let's do this this week. Where you at? This.

[B]

I told you, I'm. So I met. On Wednesday night, I'm at Jake's Dilemma. Thursday night, the port in Baltimore. Friday I'll be in Virginia. And that's it, Friday night for this week.

[A]

All right. So June 30, July 30, your own

[B]

personal show at Saint it's gonna be a bucket show. Great show. It's gonna be a lot of fun. I like St. Mark's a lot. And then what time's the show at? 8:30.

[A]

Where they get tickets?

[B]

They get [e-mail].

[A]

me, I got nothing. I got the Brooklyn Improv Wednesday night, which is tomorrow night. If you live in the area, stop by. Tickets are cheap and it's a 7 o' clock show. That means you're out in the city at 9:30 getting your dick sucked. So I don't know what else to tell you.

[B]

You don't want to tell them about Atlantic city.

[A]

That's the 7th and 8th. They already know about it.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

Now they gotta act. You know what I'm saying? But nobody knows what they're gonna do till the week of. I don't blame them.

[B]

Gotcha.

[A]

If they come, they come. If they don't, what do you want from me? We'll try again harder.

[B]

They'll come.

[A]

You good?

[B]

Great.

[A]

We're all good. Have a great week. Happy belated 4th of July. And we'll be back next Tuesday. Tip top, Magoo.