It's about time

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament

Episode: "It's about time"

Date: January 28, 2026
Hosts: Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt
Location: Live from NYC

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OVERVIEW

In this wide-ranging episode, Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt dive into themes of time management, priorities, the realities of life on the road as a comedian, and the changing nature of fun and social obligations with age. Their trademark blend of humor, street wisdom, and brutal honesty colors explorations of weather fiascos, airport survival strategies, why comics need solitude, and the folly of wasting time on things that don't matter—whether that's queuing for pizza, festival tickets, or social obligations you don't actually want to fulfill. The episode is peppered with road stories, food rants, insights into personal growth, and the value of going for what you want before time runs out.

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KEY DISCUSSION POINTS & INSIGHTS

1. Weather Woes & Travel as a Comic

• Discussion of recent snowstorms and how they impact travel for gigs. Joey and Lee swap stories about dodging blizzards, closely watching weather forecasts, and the contingency planning involved (00:03–06:19).
• Joey’s pro tips for travel:
  • "This is why you bring your own weed, your own edibles... your plane’s been delayed. God damn it." (05:28)
  • Never officially checkout of your hotel room until you're sure you're getting out (06:19–06:56).
  • When you’re stuck, don’t waste time at the airport—pull back to your hotel room for comfort.

2. Airport Survival and the Role of Lounges

• Lee talks about maximizing the Delta lounge privileges and the value of Admirals Club, especially during delays (07:23–07:57).
• Joey: "They said for 25 bucks you get the fucking Admirals Club, right? I said, tack it on. Beat the $9 water. It was beautiful." (07:42)

3. Hotel Room Rituals & Road Comforts

• The comfort of spending an unplanned day in bed with snacks, not feeling guilty about being lazy when on the road, and the quest for the perfect place to smoke in the hotel (08:05–10:32).
• "Smoking a joint in bed is probably the happiest I’ll ever be." – Lee (10:13)
• Vapor pens for indoor stealth, joints for outdoor use; importance of being prepared with weed accessories (10:32–10:59).

4. Mushrooms, Solitude, and Creative Recharge

• Lee shares mushroom trip stories and long hours soaking in hotel bathtubs during snowed-in weekends (11:08–12:44).
• Joey pivots to why comedians value solitude on the road as a part of the creative process and personal growth (12:55–14:28).
  • "That’s your time. That’s your time. When you get stuck on Sunday…you should love it because that’s part of the comic life." (13:13)

5. Why Comics Don’t Bring Loved Ones on Tour

• Both hosts insist that time on the road is sacred and should not be compromised by bringing spouses, girlfriends, or family (14:28–21:10).
• Joey: “Dog, I love pussy. Love it. But I don’t want it. Cause I gotta deal with you after the piece of pussy. And I want you out. I want you out. I don’t need you in the room when I’m writing...” (13:18)
• Non-comics don't understand the necessary focus and routine for performance; even dinner with the show organizers is a deal-breaker for Joey: "I’d rather lose the gig." (15:19)

6. Social Boundaries & Learning to Say No

• Joey discusses the challenge and growing necessity of saying “no” as he gets older and prioritizes family and self-care (23:58–34:15).
• "I’m older and I don’t have time for your stupid fucking event...I got a wife and a daughter, and they’re first. You get the scraps." (33:13)

7. The Economics & Value of Time

• Overarching theme: Stop wasting time on things that don’t matter:
  • Waiting for pizza, standing in lines, social events you aren’t excited about (41:10–41:36; numerous other rants).
  • "It’s an economic of time. What is your time worth?" (38:30)
• Questioning the value of experiences like expensive concerts or attending the Super Bowl (49:47–57:03).
• Joey: “If you go to these old concerts and you’re older than like...now you have the 20 year olds that are just confused...they don’t even listen to an album. They’ll just buy a $400 ticket and go and get a shirt without even enjoying the concert.” (63:05)

8. Regret, Making Changes, and Taking Chances

• Joey recounts getting his life together only in his 40s and regrets wasted time—drugs, crime, distractions (29:05–43:14).
• Encourages listeners to take chances instead of living a safe, unfulfilling life:
  • “God gave you this great life and you didn’t take a chance. …I want you to have a sense of adventure. I want you to know that life is a maze…keep rolling into those doors.” (71:09–71:48)
• The myth of waiting for a perfect time to make a move: “Life is what happens when you’re busy making plans…” — John Lennon, cited by Lee (72:32)

9. The Speed of Time & Facing Aging

• Reflections on how fast five, ten, thirty years can pass—don’t procrastinate your life plans (78:13–81:30).
• Joey: "30 years…I'm a regular at the Comedy Store…It seemed like yesterday." (80:30)

10. Defining (and Redefining) Fun

• Joey and Lee contrast youthful notions of “fun” (parties, coke, crazy nights) with the peace and satisfaction of being together, sharing food, or choosing solitude (84:19–91:38).
• "Define fun for me...Fun for me was snorting coke and looking out a window and being in debt and somebody looking for me...That was fun for me." (90:11)

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NOTABLE QUOTES & MEMORABLE MOMENTS

• Joey on why he values solo travel as a comic:
  "It’s your time. That’s how you advance as a comic, not by bringing somebody in a room with you." (13:13)
• On saying no:
  "I said yes for so fucking long. At one point, you gotta go, I can’t do it. I’ll give you the money. I can’t drive you to Newark." (43:31)
• On losing (and recovering) time:
  "For years I tried to get time back to replace that. I can never replace that because then I had 29 years of coke." (40:29)
• On being honest about social obligations and aging:
  "I don’t like going to concerts no more…How many times can you see Mick Jagger? What are we doing?" (58:22)
• About regrets:
  "A life of regrets isn’t bad because at least you tried. What about somebody...who never took a chance? He never fucking took a chance..." (69:45)
• Re: The folly of waiting in lines (metaphor for life):
  "If you’re in the long line, just make the left. Take a gun and stick it in your mouth and shoot yourself. Because you took that left lane with all those cars in front of you. That means you’re a fucking follower." (46:14)
• On putting family and self first:
  "I’m older and I don’t have time for your stupid fucking event…and I don’t have time for your event. I’ve got a wife and daughter, they’re first. You get the scraps." (33:13)

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TIMESTAMPS FOR IMPORTANT SEGMENTS

• 00:03–06:19 – Snowstorm travel adventures, Joey’s rules for road gigs
• 10:13 – Lee: "Smoking a joint in bed is probably the happiest I'll ever be."
• 12:55–14:28 – The importance of alone time for comics on the road
• 15:13–16:31 – Why Joey refuses pre/Post show social events
• 23:58–33:13 – Social boundaries, learning to say no, the economics of appearances
• 41:10–42:28 – Rant on wasting time waiting for pizza and similar pursuits
• 49:47–52:33 – The stupidity of waiting in line for food/chicken tenders/events
• 57:03–63:05 – Cost/benefit of concerts, nostalgia, and why so much is just a waste
• 69:45–72:32 – The importance of taking chances in life and giving your kids a sense of adventure
• 78:13–81:30 – How years pass; the dangers of letting time slip away

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FINAL THOUGHTS / TAKEAWAYS

• Time is the one resource you can never get back. Joey and Lee use stories of road life, wasted years, and social pressures to urge listeners to take more chances, protect their alone time, and focus on experiences that actually bring fulfillment.
• The older you get, the more you must be intentional about where you put your time and whom you give it to.
• Fun changes over time—be honest with yourself about what you actually enjoy.
• Take risks, experience new things, but don’t become a sheep.

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“Who gives a shit? At the end, nobody’s gonna remember that you failed—they’re gonna remember you didn’t do dick.”
— Joey Diaz (82:16)

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Hosts’ Plugs: Joey at Dojo (Wed), St. George Theater Staten Island (Sat), Lee at Grizzly Pear (Thu) and Tiny Cupboard (Fri).
Closing: "Have a great week. We love you." (94:24)

Transcript

[A]

Kick this mule. What's up, beautiful people? The Church of what's Happening now, new edition, is in full effect. The snow held us back for one day. That's it. But we're back like the mailman, you know what I'm saying? Anyway, it's Wednesday, the 28th of January. The month is almost over, but the hell with it. We're here. What up, dog?

[B]

I'm happy to be here.

[A]

That was. I know you are.

[B]

Jesus Christ, that I love Chicago, that it wasn't even the same. It barely snowed there, but it was fucking the coldest. I have no idea how you walk outside and you're like, everything would hurt. I can't. And I'm fat. I can't even imagine being skinny. And like, dude, some of these places are crazy.

[A]

They're fucking cold, man. That's a. You know, listen, January is great if you want to sell tickets, right? Like, to those places, Buffalo, Milwaukee, nobody got nothing to do, right? They shovel snow and they fucking go home. So when you go up there to do a show. But at the same time, you got to realize shit could go down. Now, with me, I always look at that fucking weather. Oh, you always got to look at

[B]

that weather six months in advance.

[A]

But listen, you knew Wednesday that hell was gonna come down.

[B]

Yeah, but I'm not gonna cancel the weekend.

[A]

I would have backed that thing up till Thursday to see what was gonna happen. We're living in a fucking system now where people didn't listen anymore. Now the weather people got you listening again? Cause they've been pretty fucking good this year. They've been pretty fucking good this year,

[B]

And New Jersey 12 has been pretty good this year.

[A]

They've been on. The little gay guy has been throwing heat at New Jersey 12 with his light little fucking snowshoes and shit.

[B]

Oh, my.

[A]

You know, so you have to just. And I'm not saying cancel. I didn't say cancel. Just prepare. Know that we're gonna get hit. And at first you're like, well, it's a bunch of Gentiles just scaring white people on CNN and Fox and New Jersey 12. But thank God, listen. 17 inches. A lot of fucking snow.

[B]

Yeah, they got two feet up by Massachusetts. But I. I was hoping. Because I don't know. But when you were. When you were, like, flying a lot, did you, like, study the weather? Like, I was watching. I was watching the weather. I was looking at the maps. I was like, all right, if I leave? I was on the 6am flight out Sunday, and I was like, if I leave, I'm gonna miss it by this much.

[A]

I don't wanna. Well, you can't go on the minutes and the hours, even though they were good again because they predicted 3am I got up at 3 just to test those motherfuckers. I had a pee and I looked out the window and I'm like, motherfuckers. I got up two hours later and it was a different story. I'm like, oh, shit.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

These motherfuckers hit it on the head. And it was that little snow, that little snow, the little things. That's real fluffy when you see those. Just go in the house and put your galoshes on and get ready to shovel like a motherfucker. It's not the big ones, it's the little ones. Because it was continuous. You didn't even see it from your window. You're like, it stopped snowing. Then you looked out there and you're like, oh, fuck. So, you know, listen, I'm not worried about me being delayed. I'm worried about the people's. Am I gonna fucking fly in? So nobody comes to my show on Saturday. Am I petrified in baklava? Wherever the fuck you are. Batavia again. You got no choice but to go to the show. It's either that or a Love boat for the 80th fucking time. So you understand me? I mean, that's. I'm not thinking about me getting back. I'm also thinking about. Let's look at the whole experience. So I'm gonna fly in Thursday morning. We're gonna do a show Thursday night. And then flurries are supposed to start Friday. And it's a foot of snow.

[B]

What we doing if it was that. Yeah.

[A]

Why are we going now? Because they're uncomfortable now. Friday is going to be shit. Saturday is going to be even more shit.

[B]

It didn't. It didn't really start until Saturday.

[A]

That's the problem. You was it for.

[B]

Oh, my God. But I. When I'm home, I actually like a snowstorm. I just start looking at the weather. I go out and I just watch.

[A]

Yeah, but it's different when you're in a room in Chicago. It's different when you're not home.

[B]

See, so that was. I was just. I'm a nervous motherfucker. So I was the whole time trying to. Trying to get out. I was gonna fly. I was gonna fly from Chicago to Detroit to Albany and then take a train from Albany down. And I almost did it. But then one thing I was like, nah, don't do it. And I. I would have got to Detroit, but then I would have been stuck in Detroit.

[A]

But as soon as you told me that, yeah. Guy came on, he's like, woo. He's like. We had a. We were flying to California or something and we flew to Texas. And then they said they didn't have a flight, so we had to drive an hour. And then we went there and they said that we had to go to another airport. So we took an Uber, they flew to somewhere and the plane got canceled. Yeah. Oh, so now they're stuck in a different fucking town.

[B]

Dude, the entire time I was looking at it, I just had you in my head being like, you're doing it like a Puerto Rican. Like, that was the entire thing in my head. Like, here's the thing.

[A]

This is why you bring your own weed, your own edibles. So Sunday morning you get up and you're like, it's a play day. I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna. What'd I tell you when I called you? I said, wah, wah, wamp. That's a text you get from the airline as you're going to put your luggage up. Womp, womp, your plane's been delayed. God damn it. So I go, listen, here's the advice, Lee. It's gonna snow. And you know this. You know the airport's gonna be fucked up. So let's do this Saturday night, Lee Batavia, right after the show. No dicking around, no talking to nobody. Pew. Like I do, right from the stage to the car. You don't need to talk to nobody. The check is in your pocket. Go. You shoot up to the airport, close to the hotel. Now you're there.

[B]

Yeah, we did that.

[A]

Now you're there. And when you check out, don't. Don't check out. Bring your key with you. Because if you go back to that airport and they're like, you're not here till four, what are you going to do? Sit here till four? No. So you got carry on. See, I have check in. That sucks. Oh, I.

[B]

Well, I normally check because I'm a lazy Jew and I don't want to lug that suitcase with me. But, dude, that was. That was the smartest tip you gave me is to not. I never check out. I don't understand why people check. I always leave a hotel.

[A]

Why do you check out? They're going to check you out anyway.

[B]

Yeah, exactly.

[A]

You're gonna get the email with the receipt.

[B]

Never once had to check out.

[A]

So don't check out. Take the key with you. Yeah, so if they delay you, you go back to the airport like nothing happened. Oh, like hop along. Because of each. You're in there now. 8:30 flight. You just rested for seven hours. You haven't been at that airport. That airport away the fuck out.

[B]

That would have sucked.

[A]

I fucking drinking $8 water, you know, because then you just get. You just get hungry because you got nothing to do.

[B]

Oh, dude, that's fine.

[A]

You go to three different places. You go to the taco place, the fried chicken place.

[B]

Dude, it's. The food's not great, but I have the Delta credit card so I can go to the lounge. And I save the. Because they. They're cheap, mother. They used to let you go whenever you wanted. Now it's 15 times a year you can go to the lounge. So I save it for that. So I. I eat and drink everything in that motherfucking lounge. So it's. I don't spend a dime.

[A]

So I flew out of Newark and I got that. They said for 25 bucks you get the fucking Admirals Club, right? I said, tack it on. Just who gives a fuck at 25 bucks. Beat the $9 water. It was beautiful.

[B]

Oh, it's. Dude, there was a shower in the one.

[A]

You fucking sit there, you plug in your shit. You want to get something the cocktail.

[B]

Oh, everything's great.

[A]

Like fucking doctors.

[B]

Oh, it's great. But I had actually a really good day in Chicago on Sunday because I don't. Yeah, I don't get to do nothing ever. I always have to do something. I didn't put clothes on for the entire. I just laid in my bed, ate every snack that I stole snacks from the club.

[A]

Nobody criticizes you.

[B]

That'd be the best.

[A]

Nobody could say, hey, you're lazy. Get up, dog. We ain't got nowhere to go. I don't know nobody in this town. There's a Chinese place that delivers. I got weed, I got rolling papers, I got edibles. There's a game at 70. That's it.

[B]

There were two games. It was great. But it was. I don't know because I didn't. It was so cold that I didn't want to go outside and smoke. It was so cold.

[A]

Oh yeah, you can't.

[B]

That. I was just gotta.

[A]

You gotta find the spot in the hotel, in the stairways, up on the staircase, up on top, so the smoke don't go through all the staircases. So you get the highest floor you go to.

[B]

I didn't think about that.

[A]

And then walk down. Then you pop out of the second Floor. What happened? I don't know. Was somebody smoking? I smelled something, but I don't know.

[B]

Someone called. Jake and Josh were doing like a Facebook live or something, and the hotel called them and said they got a complaint about smoking. They weren't smoking. Someone. Someone. They thought I was. I was with them. Someone must have called the hotel. Dude, I would love to smoke in a hotel. Like just be able to smoke weed in a hotel room.

[A]

In a hotel room. Yeah, that would be.

[B]

What is it? What are.

[A]

What do they charge you, like 50?

[B]

That might be worth it. 250 might be worth it if it's freezing cold.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

And you're just gonna sit there all

[A]

day and just put your legs up and they knock on the door. Excuse me. We smell marijuana smoke. You're right. You did smell it. Here's 250. Tack it on. Tack it on. It's a free fall, motherfucker. For 250, I'm going off in this motherfucker. I'm going off. You understand me? If I got to spend 250 to smoke. Refill.

[B]

I'm getting that. 250.

[A]

I'm smoking an ounce in this small. I'm gonna make the curtains purple. I don't give a. Dude, smoking a

[B]

joint in bed is probably the happiest I'll ever be.

[A]

Like a doctor until it burns on fire. Until your pillowcase and you.

[B]

That sucks when you. When you go to ash it and like a little ember goes. And then get a little hole in the sheets, but it's okay.

[A]

But just not delete. That's why you gotta bring a vapor pen too.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because the vapor pen's for the hotel room. The joint is for the outside. And just have it in there. Get your shaving kit. Put a vapor pen in there. Put your fucking weed in there. Before you leave, charge up the vapor pen. And it's in your shave kit. Yeah. You're not gonna smoke it at home. No vapor pen. But in a hotel room at 7 in the morning, just to get you started, Just to put a little elevation under your fucking wing. Not bad at all. Not bad.

[B]

Dude, I had. And I didn't have to. Josh is. Josh doesn't care. But you got. You told Josh that if I didn't do mushrooms Friday night, I think she'd fire me.

[A]

Fire you on the spot. Fire. It's over. No more playing games.

[B]

So. Oh, dude, we. I did the most. I think the most I've ever done.

[A]

Like I told you.

[B]

He told me 2.8 or something.

[A]

He was gonna get it, was gonna pile it on.

[B]

Oh my God.

[A]

Pile it on. He hasn't been on the road in two months and he needs a little dose of mushrooms.

[B]

Oh my. And dude, I was up all. I don't know how you and you guys can fall asleep on those things. I was up until 6 in the morning. I had to uber eats a sleeping pill and my hotel room. I Do you like tubs? Like, would you. Will you take a bath?

[A]

I don't know how long I take a shower when I sit in the shower.

[B]

You said I. Oh, I grew up sitting in the shower.

[A]

Yeah, I sit in the shower, I sit in the tub. I don't give a. But now they have these at nicer hotels. They take the bathroom door off. So you gotta take a shower with no bathroom door and you step out and there's a fucking ocean in front of you and you're gonna slip and break your fucking neck. Because that's divide. That's made for people who take three minute showers who are allergic to water, people who just want to go in. I did a quick rinse off. You didn't wash. You didn't put soap on your asshole. You didn't fucking loofah your legs. You did nothing. Right? You just went in the fucking shower and got wet. That's for people, you know that. To go in that.

[B]

Oh yeah, dude, I didn't take one. Sh. I. Dude, we my, my hotel room in Batavia for had a tub with a TV in the mirror. I was in that the entire weekend. I had, I had D Cokes, I had my little notebook. I was. Dude, we took mushrooms. I was probably in there from 11pm till 5 in the morning. Oh yeah, just keep putting some water in.

[A]

Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee. Now do you understand why you can't bring somebody on the road?

[B]

Oh, I. Yeah.

[A]

Do you understand now? It's nice, it's love, it's great. But that's your time. That's your time. When you get stuck on Sunday, you should. When you're married, you're ecstatic because you

[B]

have a week to day to yourself.

[A]

Nothing I could do. So if you were thinking of going to Uncle Charlie's to jump up and down, do it on your own. I'm stuck. I'm stuck. And you love it because that's part of the comic life. Waking up in a hotel on Sunday morning and going, I got no, I'm stuck. Now I create another day for myself, which creates material. Yeah, it's a no. That's how you advance as a comic, not by bringing somebody in a room with you. Dog, I love pussy. Love it. You understand me? Love it. But I don't want it. Cause I gotta deal with you after the piece of pussy. And I want you out. I want you out. I don't need you in the room when I'm writing or. We didn't do anything today. That's perfectly fine. I didn't bring you here to do anything. Had nothing to do with Batavia. Nothing. Yeah, nothing. And you know, you're a comic and after a while you're going to work with other comics that bring their girlfriends and they leave afterward. And you're going to see. You're going, what the fuck was the point of that? Not that you're going to be there to pick up women. You're a comic. They didn't want to become a comic. They didn't want to take the chance and experience it. Fuck them. Fuck them.

[B]

I was going to.

[A]

They didn't want to take the chance and become comedians. So fuck them now. Fuck them. Sit at home. But I can't have you there. I'm working. And the whole weekend is work. It's not just the five fucking shows. It's your time every day. You got to get up at 8 and drink juice and get in front of the computer. Guess what, bitch? Today I don't have to do that. Don't remind me. I don't want to get up because I don't want to go to a fucking museum. I don't wanna go for no walk. I don't wanna see a statue. I don't wanna see nothing. I came here to do comedy. I don't know, you know? And that's where people forget. I got a big problem. Next weekend I got a show. And part of the deal is that I eat dinner with them before the show.

[B]

Oh, you're doing it before.

[A]

It's not gonna work. I had to break it to him today.

[B]

No.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You can't do that. That would ruin the show.

[A]

I'd rather lose the gig.

[B]

Are you gonna go to dinner after or no?

[A]

No, do that. Because if I. If you go out there first.

[B]

Right.

[A]

They get to become your buddy. Now it's harder to be funny.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

The thing of you coming out, that's part of it, is you coming out. It's like when you are headliner and you go into a town and your mother's in the audience. So you pop your head up and start waving at your mom or go out before the show. You just Bumped?

[B]

Really? You just bumped into.

[A]

I don't give a fuck who's out there. You don't need to go out there, okay? I don't need that, Mom. You know the fucking deal. And these are the people. See, it's not the people that you meet at a restaurant and gay. Hey, do you want two tickets? They're easy. It's the people you love that make those shows a fucking nightmare. I'm cold. I don't know where to go. Listen, there's signs everywhere, right? You know, there's signs everywhere. We'll call.

[B]

What would you do if I wasn't here?

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. You know, so it's. It's. It's not the people. It's like whenever a UFC fighter fights at home, right, in his hometown, I bet against him because he's been on the phone for three days. Where's my tickets? Why am I sitting up here? I just want to beat somebody up.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't need this shit. I don't need this shit. Hey, we're here, okay? So am I.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

There's a thing about comedy that is great. We can hold hands, but that's not what it's for. That's not what comedy's for. I don't want you in love when you're on stage. I want you to be you. Let me see how you look. Oh, my God. How do I look? I don't give a fuck how you look. I fucked you eight times already in two days. I don't give a fuck how you look, okay? I'm focused on stand up. And that focus that you give her, that conversation, that's 10%. You're gonna bump 10%? 10% because it's drawing off you. I don't want nobody drawing off me on game day. At all. At all on game day. You guys see me making around, I go to my hotel room, dude, I used to die. I don't talk to nobody. I don't want to see nobody because I'm wasting my energy. You want to be cute and go to dinner, and now you get on stage and pee, pee, peep, peep, peep, peep, peep. Because you just talked for an hour and a half. Yeah, you just talked for an hour and a half at dinner. That's it. It's not going to work. Every time they see you, you pop out to see your girlfriend, hey, 10 points go down, dude.

[B]

People used to always be like, well, what is it like when you go on the road? Because I didn't go on the road with you much. But when I went on the road with you, I probably wouldn't see you until the showtime. And if I did, even if, like, even in San Diego, I'd be like, you want to go get lunch? You'd be like, I have a block, a block radius from the hotel. Well, what if we go here? It's a ten minute walk. Nope.

[A]

You would.

[B]

We would see the hotel from the

[A]

restaurant we were at. It's game day. You're paying me to perform, not to do anything else. Yeah, in your mind. You bring your girl now. Let's go to the Rock and Roll Museum. Shut the fuck up. You're gonna go to the sucking Cock Museum. That's the only museum we're going to. Is you sucking my cock in the room. Anything else is not gonna work. That's why I don't want you in my room. I don't want you in my room. I don't give a fuck how much I love you. I don't want you in my room on game day or the whole fucking weekend. I don't want to see you the whole fucking weekend. I want to be an animal. I don't want to be in love. It's great. She's there watching you. You want to be an animal. People don't go to the circus to see the clowns. They go to see the tigers and the lions. And when you're around a woman, you can't be a fucking tiger. Like a fucking asshole. That's all of us. Yeah, that's all of us.

[B]

I got. It was. This was my first, like five show weekend in a while. And I was listening to my sets over the weekend. And Thursday I didn't do well. It was fine. It was like a C, C minus. But I. I got better and better. The set got better and better throughout the weekend. It was like the first time I was able to, like, go through things.

[A]

You go over your material. But if I'm in the room going over my material and I'm bored, there's nothing on tv. I'm hungry. Now that energy is taken away from you. You're hungry? Eat a fucking Snickers bar. I don't know. I don't know what to tell you. You know, I'm doing the same thing. I'm living on the profits of crime. There's nobody in this fucking town. Only dominoes delivered. And I live in New York. I refuse to get dominoes out of respect. Yeah, I'd rather eat my fingers than starve. So it looks like you get Popcorn, the vending machine or go to bed. Go to bed. But I'm not here to entertain you. I just entertain 400 people. Two shows. I gotta do two more shows tomorrow night. And I don't know, the room was dry, my sinuses. I don't get that. That shit doesn't even apply to me. If there's sinus y. I pick my nose and I put water in it. That's it. That's it. What the fuck is wrong with you? And this is why I don't like bringing nobody. I love my wife, I don't want her to show. I love my daughter, I don't want her to fucking show. See, thank God, I don't give a fuck. And I say in front of my daughter what the fuck I want because she knows, she's heard it before. But we have two different things. I can't go up there with my wife in the audience and go out, yell, talk about meeting her asshole or something. These women are all going to look at her and go, what the fuck? What's going on? He eats your asshole and then my wife has to sit there like a fucking moron. Gone, gone. I don't want you there. Stay at home. Don't worry about it.

[B]

Dude. I love and I'm very happy being married and I but being alone because I even going back to la, I was like, I love being alone. Yeah. And I have I babe, between the

[A]

comedy not to join an improv troupe. You didn't get into comedy to join a gang. You didn't join what's the one, the five black guys to jump up and down Belle Bib Devoe and all. You didn't join that. You didn't join a boys group. I don't know what you're talking about. You didn't bring and comedy don't call for backup singers. No. So I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. But even without comedy, this fits your personality.

[B]

Oh yeah.

[A]

There's people that would lose their mind in a hotel by themselves. Oh, it's my favorite on a Saturday. There's people that would lose their mind. So why would you want to ruin that and bring a wife or a girlfriend?

[B]

Sometimes it is fun, but it is

[A]

I, it's listen, it's not supposed to be fun. It's never fun. Bringing abroad is never fun. And especially somebody you're married to. I can see if you bring up if you flyin a bitch in to fuck her for the weekend. That's completely different. She boogies on Sunday. You go back to your life on fucking Sunday. But you've been with her all week. Now you're bringing her to fucking work to talk about the same shit she's been talking about all week. And this isn't just your wife.

[B]

No, I know what you're talking about.

[A]

This is everybody. My wife is the worst. The worst. You know? Did you feel the draft from the window? I don't feel that shit. White people only feel. I feel a draft coming from that door. What draft? What trap are you talking about? And that's the problem. You have the road for a comic. It's for you. It's for you. When people go on business conferences, they don't bring their fucking wives. They don't.

[B]

Dude, I go to business conferences for my day job. People go to that to drink and to hook up. That's all they do. That's it, dude. And it's every.

[A]

Well, I want to come. Listen, there's no room for you. Sorry. This is a business trip. I don't want to go to your fucking business trips. Not at all. With those boring people. Let's make a deal. I won't go to yours and you won't go to mine. That's why I listen to music with headphones.

[B]

So no one will talk to you?

[A]

No, because I'm not gonna make you listen to my music. But don't even think for a second I want to listen to yours. Yeah, I'll put headphones on. I'll never intrude your privacy. But don't get in your car and go, hey, you got to hear this. No, I don't want. No, I don't want to. Hold on. Listen to this lyric. Listen, I don't want to. You don't understand.

[B]

I feel like. Are you just saying that more often, like. No, just someone asked you to do something like. No, I don't want to. That. Like. Like, I feel like. And not that you weren't nice before, but, like, I feel like now as you get older, you're just, like, telling people off.

[A]

Well, I'm going to give you the. The whole thing here. Just so you know. You know, man, when you're single, you do anything for anybody, right? You do anything. Hey, man, I'm moving some couches Saturday. I'm gonna get some fucking pizza from Domino's and some shitty beer. Come on. You do it. And then you got a girlfriend. And we're comedians, so we are naturally whores, you know, I just saw something today. Stop playing a certain comic, because he won't stop whoring himself. We're whores by nature. You know, like I said to you, if Nick called me right now, hey, Joey, I have a gig. Yep. Wednesday night. Pays 200. All right? I can't do it. You're going to call Nick within an hour. You're going to go in that bathroom, Nick, I'll do it for 125. This is why there'll never be a comedian's union. This is why they'll never be. Because we're whores. It's not a whore unit. Right. Prostitute doesn't come to your house and go, you got to pay me union labor scale. No, because somebody will suck your dick for $10, okay? There's somebody out there. You just gotta look. You gotta look real hard. But there's somebody out there that'll suck your dick for $2,000, right? And there's somebody out there, they'll suck it for the small $10 bill.

[B]

Oh, my God. I can't even imagine what that would be like. $10 blowjob. That sounds terrible.

[A]

I still remember having mercy. Mercy being like seven. Maybe six. Seven. And taking her to a kickboxing class two times a week. You remember? And I was pretty committed. I'd take her, I'd talk to Kida, and I would sit there from five to six. At first, I wouldn't know. I didn't notice it because I thought it was natural, you know? Ba, ba, ba. And after 30 minutes, you're like, I just got 18 fucking calls in 25 minutes. None of them were important. When I really think about them, none of them was important. Why do you think I yell at Nick when I see him on the phone? Because ain't nobody sending him money on that phone after five. He could pound it all he wants. There's nothing coming in. Why are you looking at it? Mind is home. Mom is home. Get off that fucking phone. That's how I look at it. After five, there's no business for me. There's no. There's the bottom line.

[B]

I love how you.

[A]

What's the bottom fucking line? Why are you on the phone? Who are you texting? Does it have something to do with money or is it just stupidity? Stupidity. So after a while, you look at your phone and you're going, I'm getting 30 calls an hour. 20 of them got nothing to do with me. 5 of them are from people that are looking for something from me. And the other five are from people to go, hey, I got this gig. Pays $250, and you're gonna love it. Listen, I don't love anything, you know, and in between that, in between people's premieres, in between people's podcasts, in between, just. You lose yourself. You lose yourself. You lose what your family is, you lose what your wife is, you lose it all. You know, and we already had those problems with stand up. Well, I'll fucking turn my back on everybody. If I'm doing great stand up and I'm on the road, there's no reason to chit chat, you know, Right? So when I moved here, I'm like, I got a fucking seven year old daughter, I got a wife. Why am I doing this? Right? My first three months here, I wish you guys could hear the phone calls I was getting.

[B]

About what?

[A]

Wish the balls on people. I was just in a fucked up state, but I feel like getting all those people now and going, what the fuck were you thinking?

[B]

Oh, my.

[A]

It was open season on Joe Diaz. Yeah, everybody was my friend for the first 90 days. Hey, come I'm picking you up. We're taking you to my buddy's gun shop. What, that type of shit, right? Oh, my God. Hey, we're going to Central park to, you know, play Frisbee like Paul Breezy says. Yeah, I ain't got that. No, I ain't got that. You know, I don't want to harp on it. You know, when you're 20, you keep going, I don't have to do this shit. I'll do it when I'm 30. I know a lot of motherfuckers who

[B]

said that about what?

[A]

I don't need to get my life together. Oh, okay, I'll do it when I'm 30. I mean, you're 35, you go through a divorce, you got no money, you're a loser. And you're like, I'll get this shit together when I'm 40. And then comes 44. You're still snorting coke, you're still cheating on your girlfriend, you haven't paid child support in two weeks. So it never ends, dude. Now you go, okay, when I'm 50, I'll get it together. And that's what happened to me. That's what happened to me. I got my shit cleaned up when I was 44 years old. It took me six years to figure out who the fuck I was and what I was doing and why was I even in California. And then for some fucking reason, a podcast came along. We got to tell our stories and the rest is history. Yeah, but after I got home, I was like, what Am I doing? You know, people call me. Hey, we're having a family reunion this weekend if you want to come down. My kids and their friends can't wait to see you. Go fuck yourself.

[B]

Oh, there's nothing I like more than hearing someone ask you something that you don't want to do. Last week after the podcast, we went out to dinner. Very nice guy. But this. The server walked up to you like, hey, you really gotta try. This place has a new brunch menu. The best avocado toast. And I just. I was just waiting for it. He's like, I'm gonna pick you up Saturday. We'll go down. Meanwhile, Nick and I ordered cheeseburgers and

[A]

he forgot the cheese.

[B]

He forgot that and he blamed us. He, like, he was reading off of his order thing. He said, nick, you wanted cheddar, no cheese, and Lee, you wanted American, no cheese.

[A]

But meanwhile, he's talking to you about the brunch.

[B]

Avocado toast.

[A]

That's what I do. Don't worry about the brunch. I don't want to go. You're never going to see me at a brunch. Brunch is for. Okay. That means I got to sit there with champagne, mimosas, and make believe I'm interested. It's 11 o' clock in the morning. I'm not interested in none of you people. Yeah, one American, no cheese. It's. It's. And that's the problem, that people got something else going. Forget it. Nara. We gotta go brunch. We don't have to do a thing. Okay? You're never gonna. I never walked in and go. I went to the finest brunch. I ate at 8 in the morning, dog. Okay? I ate at 8, 7, 15. 7. I'm not waiting till 11 to have a champagne.

[B]

And you're not waiting in line for make believe.

[A]

I'm important. Yeah, we would do brunch. We don't do dick. We're from Jersey, okay? We do breakfast. The fuck are you talking about? Why are you trying to be somebody you're not? Oh, we do. We do brunch and mimosas. You're a fucking faggot. That's why. You're just waiting for a dick to fly out of the sky and go right up your ass. You're a fucking faggot toy. That's why you enjoy brunch.

[B]

What's a faggot? Faggot.

[A]

Sounds like a rope, like a fucking alien dick sucker. I don't fucking know.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

So my point is Lee. That at some point you have to look at the phone and go, why am I so fortunate? You know, I'm saying, like, why am

[B]

I so fortunate to not do it tonight?

[A]

No, no. Like, hey, like, I got one three weeks ago. Perfect. He caught me, like, in a weak minute, okay? Like, hey, man, some fucking idiot from one of those Fox shows, okay, is doing a podcast and they really want you on. And I'm like, okay. I'm like, when do you want. I thought he was gonna say, like, January. He's like, how about tomorrow? I'm like, I don't know about tomorrow. Hit me up next week. This guy's been hitting me up every week on Monday. But next week, you know, after two times, you're like, all right, I'll move on. We're going on the eighth week already. Hey, how's it look this week? It's not gonna happen. I'm surprised you haven't. I'm going in the city to do a political podcast. I'm 63, and that's four hours out of my day. Ain't gonna happen.

[B]

I'm surprised you haven't pulled the. Oh, I'm doing it. And then the day of canceling.

[A]

I did that last week. I did that last week for the poor. Are you garbage guys?

[B]

Well, that one, you actually hurt yourself.

[A]

And you know what the problem is? I'm gonna tell you what, the two things. Two things is this, okay? And I'm gonna be honest with you, everybody, two things. I'm older and I don't have time for your stupid fucking event. And, you know, I just don't. I got a wife and a daughter, and they're first. Mm. You get the scraps. Number two, I'm 63, so you know what the scraps are? That nice chair you saw me sitting on last Monday night? Yeah, that's my scraps. If you see, I got everything I need there. Syringes, BT500. I got everything, okay? Sodas, weed. So that's the scraps right there. So now you want me to drive for the Once it involves driving you lost.

[B]

Everything involves driving you lost.

[A]

So make it closer to my house if you want me to show up. But once you add driving to that, it just decreases. Especially on certain times. You just.

[B]

What?

[A]

What?

[B]

What do you mean, certain times? There's a 0% chance of you dry. You have like a 10 minute driving distance, and then you don't do. I love when people ask me, wow, when is Joey gonna come do the show? People ask me, I can't tell you the offers I've gotten for you, for people. Like, I have a show in and outside of Hartford. It seats 150. I want Joe. And then they're like, I'll let you feature too.

[A]

I'm like, oh, boy, oh boy, what a treat. I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll headline. I'll let Joey know how it is. And if it works out, I have Joey there. And then you don't even tell Joey. No. You don't even say nothing to me. He just. If they're going to be that stupid, you're going to be that stupid and crafty.

[B]

I need to start being crafty.

[A]

You're going to be that stupid. But that's the reality of it, Lee. I'm old. I'm tired. I have a window right now. I have a window. Guys, remember when you were young? You had like all day. 10 o', clock, 11:30. Hey, what are you doing? Let's go for a slice of pizza. Sure. It's one in the morning.

[B]

What's your window? I feel like your window now is like 9am to 10:30. I feel like. I feel like you're. You go do one thing in the morning and you're done with 1pm that's it. I know. And then what time's a nap? And then you're just. Then you're home.

[A]

Relax. Go on the computer a little bit. Maybe go on DraftKings. Once I start getting nausea, it means it's nap time. Like today I took a nap. Fucking three o'. Clock.

[B]

You get nauseous every day?

[A]

A little. That means I gotta go to sleep. Damn. So today I had a little chicken cordon bleu from Fiori's.

[B]

I love chicken cordon blue pieces.

[A]

Come on, dog. Fucking unreal. Oh, they're in Staten island, so we'll stop in there. I'm going to call them tomorrow to have 200 of those chicken corn and blues for us.

[B]

What are you gonna have? Those are all for you. Give me an ABX and some. Some diet coconut blue.

[A]

Saturday night,

[B]

dude. A chocolate bread chicken corn blue sandwich.

[A]

And I'm getting mortadella. Mortadella is the flavor of the week.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Mortadella with a little wet moots. Oh, God almighty. A little prosciutto on that motherfucker with a roasted pepper or something. Come on now. No caramel dressing. That's for chubby diabetic people. I don't like that shit.

[B]

Oh, my God. The farts that you're going to be Having.

[A]

No, there's no. I'm only going to eat a little piece. I can't eat that much anymore. But I'm taking that chocolate bread to go.

[B]

Yeah, me too. Tell, tell Royal Crown. I need a high. I need that look that they gave her.

[A]

And I feel really bad because I don't explain myself. That's my biggest problem in life. I don't explain. And I was doing a good job with jokes before the pandemic. Like, I would say something off color and then I would back it, and people go, okay, it's not bad. That assault I had on pizza a few weeks ago, that's an assault on anything. Anything that is a waste of my time. Like, that long of a window. Anything that could be. Anything that could be. I say it's pizza because I don't know how people find all this time, but it could be anything, right? It could be like what we used to do when we were 20. We threw the time away. We threw time away. If somebody. If George called me and said, hey, you want to go see the drummer from the Stones, Charlie Watts doing a thing tonight? I'd go with George. If I was 25 at 62, I want to see Charlie Watts. Like, I want to see a black dick in the dark. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

Oh, dude. And that getting back to the phone, that's, I think, the biggest one. Like, the amount of time and I'll be just even me that I waste on the phone is, like, looking like, in the moment. It doesn't seem that bad. Like, that's why I don't do. I don't do screen time because I don't need that. I don't need to know how much I look at my phone.

[A]

No, I do the screen time and you look at it every Monday. I'm a computer, and last week I was down 38 minutes.

[B]

You spent 38 minutes a day or you were down 38 minutes?

[A]

38 minutes a day. Like, I don't even.

[B]

Damn.

[A]

It's getting to the point where

[B]

there's some days I put a shift in. It's too much.

[A]

It's just guys, it's like, you know. And that's all I mean to tell people. It's an ecology. It's an ecology. It's an economic of time. What is your time worth and what is your time worth and how much time do you have to give when you're 26, you have a lot of time to give and effort. I wish I'd get on stage every night I get on stage two nights in a row, I'm done for the week. Legs hurt, back hurts. I was talking to somebody that's an old iconic and he goes, joey, it's getting to the point where I can't do ten o' clock shows no more. No shit. Because as a fucking good comic, you want to be able to give him two great shows. But there comes a point where I could give you one and a half. You know what I'm saying? I give you one show, that's good, then the second show, I'm going to start getting tired in that 20 minute mark. You know why? Because I got to wait now in between shows and I stiffen up. And when you're 40 and you stiffen up, it's a lot different than when you're 60 and 50 and you stiffen up. Once you stiffen up, you're done. It's like if I take you to the gym, okay, and we do a good workout, 32 minutes, we're walking and all of a sudden some guy comes up to you and gives you any a beating. And you don't want to go away because the guy's a nice guy, but your body just chilled. You've been talking to him for eight minutes. That's it. The pump you had is gone. Your heart rate dropped to fucking 92. It's back, you know, so it's like, it's over. What am I doing here? I'm gonna sit here and keep doing it and that, you know, that's what I think a lot of it was. You just see what you're wasting your time in talking. Nobody wasted more time than me. Nobody. I couldn't pay rent till I was in my 40s. What does that tell you? As funny as it is, it's fucking scary. Don't fucking tell me about losing time. You know, I lost three years of my life with some bullshit fucking thing in Boulder. And for years I tried to get time back to replace that. I can never replace that because then I had 29 years of coke. How many hours did I put into scoring coke, thinking about coke, getting it, beating somebody? Who am I gonna fuck after I do the coke? All that effort? That's all. That's seven hours of your fucking day. So for 30 years, I lost an average of five hours a fucking day thinking about that shit.

[B]

Damn.

[A]

So tell me about somebody who is not trying to make up time.

[B]

Why do you think people get so mad about, like, that pizza thing that you.

[A]

Because they don't. They don't See, Well, I don't. I failed to explain it. Well, it's just a waste of fucking time. This is not Kentucky. We are not in Minneapolis. We are not in San Diego. There is good pizza every mile, not even less.

[B]

And New York, every couple blocks.

[A]

New York. So do you understand I'm trying to say to you, for you to come to me on a Wednesday and tell me you want to drive an hour and a half to get a piece of pizza, it's not necessary. Unless you want to brag about it. Unless you want to be one of those retards. Yeah, an Instagram picture like the Giants. You want to brag about pizza. You want to walk in and go, I went down there and it was gives a fuck. Gives a fuck. It all tastes the same. It's called. That's the same tomato on it. I don't want to get started in this again. But that's what I try to mean, that we've all people who listen to this podcast, you know it. We've all lost fucking time. And there's some days maybe you don't think about it, maybe not as important to you. It was fucking important to me. And it still is important to me that God gave you an allotment of time and you decided to waste it on the Jets.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

So you're gonna be in a fucking casket going, and your friends are gonna be there with the Jet jerseys and all the fat fucks with diabetes and whatever the fuck it is, you know?

[B]

Do you think.

[A]

And that's it. I just want you to think back and go, bro, that wasn't a waste of time. Most of the people listening to this podcast are between 20 and 40, maybe 35. That's all I say. I'm not putting you down because you eat pizza. I'm putting the thought of taking that much energy for a piece of fucking thing, it's too much.

[B]

Do you think that you feel. You feel this way because you've always felt this way, but do you think it's gotten more since you spent time in the hospital last year?

[A]

It'll open my eyes to see what's even more important. What's even more important. And I feel bad when I gotta tell somebody no, but at the same time, I gotta think of me, right?

[B]

Do you feel bad when you say no?

[A]

Fuck, yeah.

[B]

Maybe with some people.

[A]

I said yes for so long. I said yes for so fucking long. You know, I said yes for so fucking long. At one point, you gotta go, I can't do it. I'll give you the money. I can't drive you to Newark. I don't have that. I can't do these things anymore. I'll tell you what I can do. I can help you out a little bit. Maybe you could take your bicycle, I don't know, go to Hoboken and get one of those little. I saw that on the news the other day. Those little faggy white kids in the whole Balkan riding a bike. Yeah. They got little bikes you can rent. And the people on it, it's too expensive.

[B]

Oh, Jesus.

[A]

Went up $2 for the whole subscription. You're riding a bike in Hoboken, you got a death wish. Old Balkan in Jersey City. I wouldn't ride a bike in Jersey City if you paid me.

[B]

Dude, I wrote one for about six seconds in New York. I know they had. They had one on this because usually they lock them up and someone left it there. And I rode it on the sidewalk for about four seconds. And I just could see me getting hit by a car. So I went on my.

[A]

Dude, very good for you for foreseeing the future. Very good. Because a lot of people don't do that now. Let's take a bike. Yeah, let's take a bike. My girlfriend thought it was a good idea. Listen, we're on 8th Avenue, okay? There's no bikes up here.

[B]

No.

[A]

You want to get a bike, go to the country. Or get yourself one of those with the three people. Just make sure you're far away from me because I will throw a rock at your fucking head if I see it. Lee and his wife on the thing and the father in law. Oh, my God.

[B]

While you're in the rickshaw.

[A]

Yeah. With a Chinese guy with fucking Becky's uncle.

[B]

Driving, I would love.

[A]

That's all I mean, people, that's all I mean, think of the words I say, that you have that luxury. I use that example, and this could be for anything. At one point, do you go, you know what? The jets haven't won a Super bowl since 1969. What are we doing here? What are we doing here? What am I wasting my time with these bumps for? Every fucking year? Every year, at one point you're going off. I'm gonna go. Follow hockey. I'm gonna follow Coco. Whatever. Coco Gauche in tennis.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

I can't see these people that are lifetime fans of losers. You're a lifetime fan of losers. At what point do you go, what am I, a fucking idiot? And this is why I say to you, when you drive, right? You ever drive and the guy in front of you is doing 45, right?

[B]

Okay?

[A]

And you get in the middle lane. I forgot what I was gonna say. No, the guy driving 45. And then you get in the middle lane, and you're driving like, 55. But then you get on the right lane. Guess what? It's wide open, and you're doing 90. And all the other idiots are behind themselves, like, what the fuck? When's this guy gonna move? You ever pull up to a light and there's a long line and a short line to make a left? Right. If you're in the long line, just make the left. Take a gun and stick it in your mouth and shoot yourself. Because you took that left lane with all those cars in front of you. That means you're a fucking follower. You're a fucking subconscious. You're a follower. You just went to the lane. Because I got to make sure I know where I'm going. No, you don't. That line right there with one car in it. That makes a left, too. But watch this other line. It'll have 80 people. 80 people, and they see the same shit I see. So subconsciously, they're followers. They just. People drive past you. Out. Come with us. We're going for the Empire State Building, okay? That's what you're telling me? You are right. When I get on that fucking car line, if I'm in the long line, there's a problem. I'm a retard, okay? New Jersey has gotten to me. The autism rates are real. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

It's a short lane with two cars. Why are you in the long line? Because you feel comfortable? Because you're a fucking sheep. Because you're a fucking sheep.

[B]

Yeah, Driving.

[A]

And my mom didn't come from Cuba for me to be a sheep. Nobody's mom came from where the fuck they came from for you to be a sheep. That's it. That's all I say. You know. Remember years ago, you went to a movie theater and the idiots out there the night before the movie was great. No, it wasn't. It sucked. But you sat out there for 24 hours. What about the idiots that sat outside for Batman and they got shot in Colorado? You know? You know, it's. It's. It's.

[B]

I remember. Yeah, dude, what about.

[A]

So you had the luxury to sit in front of a movie theater for eight hours with your infant kid. Tell me why. Shouldn't fucking smack you in the mouth. Tell me again why I shouldn't smack you Looked my favorite movie fucking mouth. You know, two weeks ago, they opened up that chicken place. It's chicken fingers.

[B]

Oh, Cane's.

[A]

Cane's. There were people there overnight. Now, again, if this was Iowa or something like that, I get it, but this was like in Jersey somewhere. If you didn't pull up with an AK47 and just shoot all those people. Da, da, da, da, da. You're doing them a favor. It wasn't a terrorist act. It was a favor. Dude, they're waiting for fucking chicken tenders.

[B]

Even in Iowa, it's not working.

[A]

The night before, somebody didn't talk to you, right? Somebody didn't hug you, right, that you're making this a chicken tender. I couldn't wait to get the chicken. What are you, a fucking idiot? I can see the. The only chicken cutlets I wait online is for Georgie K. That's it. If I'm just gonna get the same generic anywhere you go. Now, you order chicken, right, I'll get some extra chicken on my fucking lettuce on my salad. And they give you that grilled chicken cut up, that tastes like ass. I don't want that shit. All that shit's the same. I fucking. You know. But think about these things. I'm telling you. Look at these people that get on those long lines. They love it.

[B]

Yeah, I think some places make their service slow.

[A]

They feel at home. Got a flight, and you got to see them like this. And they're back there like, I'm cutting. I'm looking for ways. I'm buying a first class. I'm doing something, but I am not. I'm lying about it. How many times you see me go through Lee?

[B]

Oh, like the first class line. Even when you don't have first class,

[A]

there's no reason to. They don't know nothing. But we as Americans, we listen to everything they tell us and we fucking believe them.

[B]

What about the super bowl comment, like, would you ever pay $10,000 a ticket for a Super bowl ticket?

[A]

I'm going to go down there with those idiots and go see my favorite team. Pay $8,000 to walk around, around a bunch of strangers. You're getting pickpocketed. There's hookers. You know, like when you get in a Jacuzzi and you get a sty. Go to fucking the super bowl and go jump in the Jacuzzi. See what you get. You get a lot more than stars.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Did you ever see the 20, the 60 minute? No. HBO sports documentary. Remember when the HBO used to have HBO Sports? That yeah, it was like 60 Minutes.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then interview different people, real sports. Did you ever see what happens when the super bowl happens? Did you see that when they showed up?

[B]

Hookers just fly in, dog.

[A]

It is. It is wild. Yeah, it is. Every major crime network, hooker network, gambling network, blackjack, they fucking go down for that Super Bowl.

[B]

I remember when it was in Atlanta. Was that what the one? And like, hooker, they just, they, they travel around like. Strippers do it too. Not even just hookers, but like strippers will come in because they know people are going to be there and they'll take all their money.

[A]

It's crazy. Listen, and I'm sure for some people, the super bowl means a lot more for them. I don't have it. It's like this super bowl this year, only people going to invite me over. I don't want to watch this fucking game. I could care less.

[B]

You don't care at all.

[A]

I care because of you, because you're going to win.

[B]

Oh, I hope so.

[A]

But besides that, I don't like both of these teams. I don't. I don't get it. So the super bowl will be very tough for me this year because I got to go sit with people.

[B]

What about the commercials? What about the commercial?

[A]

Oh, whoopty doo. I can't wait to see one of those Saturday Night Live, Fred Armanson or one of those jerk offs do some fucking faggy fucking commercial. And oh yeah, we watched the super bowl for the commercial. Oh, and for Bad Bunny. I can't. It's football. We want to see black people tackling white people and vice versa. That's it. Nobody wants to see a halftime singer. Nobody wants to see nothing.

[B]

I hate the halftime show.

[A]

Think about it. So it's all a fucking ripoff. It's just a ripoff. And when you listen, it's like seeing the Grammys on TV and you're like, I wish I was there. No, you don't. Because unless you're there with Guns n Roses, if you're just going to fly to LA and go to the Grammys, you're going to see behind the curtain and you're going to hate it. And why? Because it's all bullshit. They rotate seats. It's extras. All those people you see in the front row, they were all extras. You're like, man, that guy's good looking. Yeah, they're all models and shit. And they put them there to point their finger or with their camera. It's bullshit. Yeah, you could tell. It's like the fucking the rioters, who's giving them these signs, they can't spell. Who's giving them these signs, you know, free us, America. They can't spell. They go to a van and the guy gives them a sign. The guy looks at him and goes, all right, at least look at the person and go, this guy can't spell shoe. You know what I'm saying? You can look at somebody and know what words they can't spell. You know what I'm saying? Like me, you know, I can't spell a lot of words. So it'd be one of those fucking

[B]

words give you a very easy sign. Like, fuck, whatever. That's it.

[A]

Yeah, that's it. The fuck is wrong with people? And that's the thing. Like, listen, if I was a Die Hard Giant fan, you know, Die Hard, like, I got all the jerseys, I got all the sneakers, I got the pillowcase, I got the fucking lunchbox. Yeah. You know, grown fucking men.

[B]

I would love to see you with a lunchbox, you know?

[A]

I mean, yeah, I'd probably spend the money and take somebody, my daughter or something if she was into it. But to grab my daughter and go, you gotta see this. No, you don't. A bunch of drunk fucking jerk. Go Giants. Yeah, that's great.

[B]

If I had like 50,000 on the game, then I would go, dog.

[A]

If I had $2 million, I would just go to the game and sit up top and hang out with Cardi b and fucking bring some royal fucking crown out to fucking that game in California. Because I'm not going to pay $10,000 for a suite to get fucking sushi and granola out there. I'm bringing. I'm flying out my own food. I got my own plane coming with shit in the box, everything. That's how you do it. But I don't want to go to a fucking game and sit there like a Joe American and have to wait on lines and go for beat. I don't want to do that. That's not exciting for me no more now. Sweet money for a lot of money. I don't want to do that. I don't want to do that. I didn't want to, dog. When I went to the longest show, I didn't go to the game. I gave the ticket away.

[B]

They gave you a free ticket?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, damn. You didn't even sell it. Oh, I would have sold it.

[A]

Make somebody's day. I had the best make my own in my life, you know what I'm saying? So, yeah, I just didn't want to be involved. I don't know. I'm just. Not that.

[B]

It's too much money.

[A]

I don't mind going to a ufc, but I don't need to be at all of them, sitting there dancing in front of the camera, because that's what those events have become. Everything is ig. Everything is Instagram.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Where can I take a fucking picture? Go to that Super bowl. There's gonna be 10 million selfie sticks. Yeah, that's it. Look at me in front of the giant thing. Look at me in front of the New England bench. Hit me up. When you're in the bench and Tom Brady and you are smoking a joint, that's the picture I want.

[B]

That's a good picture.

[A]

You with the thing. Hey, look at me. I don't give a fuck. I want. You know what I'm saying? I want. Show me a picture with you sucking fucking Sovia Vergara's tit inside a New England fucking thing. I'm in. But for you to take a picture. Look at me. I'm at the Super Bowl. Me and three other ignorant fucks that. You know, I just see it. Like, I don't know, maybe. Maybe I'm miserable. Maybe. I don't know. I just. Those things haven't been fun to me, I gotta be honest with you. In 30 years.

[B]

So let me ask you this. What's, like, your ideal event or day? Like, what is fun to you?

[A]

A concert in a small venue.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Like those American Express concerts.

[B]

I don't even know what they had. They had those.

[A]

Yeah, they do them like. They did them with Chris Cornell at Webster Hall. And, you know, American Express people could buy their tickets first.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And. But it's very small. Like 2000 seats. Dog, I'll pay whatever. I'd rather pay all the dough for that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Then. And I could just walk a little bit. And it's just a little bathroom. It's just like the Beacon Theater. It's just like, you know, easy. Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I don't want to. That stadium shit. No stadium. You can't even see him for $400. You gotta go early. Well, you got a tailgate. I don't have to do shit. I don't have to do shit. Okay. You know, it's just so many things to get to the place. That doesn't seem like fun to me, though.

[B]

I get that.

[A]

I love. Listen, I grew up at the Garden. I love Madison Square Garden, But I'm not giving you $500. It's just principle. And for what? So I could sit in the front with Fat Joe and make believe I'm somebody I'm not. Right? And, geez, to sit in the front and make believe I'm somebody I'm not. With a glass. And nine out of 10, I'll be like this.

[B]

Yeah. You know, you spend all that money and you're. Yeah. You know, you're bored or it's on, dude, it's. I. I think at least you're honest with yourself. I think a lot of people feel like they have to do things, and they. They just say yes, and they don't even have a good time,

[A]

bro. I learned this when I was fucking 17 years old.

[B]

What happened?

[A]

I learned something very important. I learned I don't like going to concerts no more. You know, I groom the bands. Okay. How many times can you see Mick Jagger? How many times can you see this guy or this guy? What was your question?

[B]

Well, you were saying that you learned at 17.

[A]

I learned that, even for me. I hate to say this. I used to do. I watch my daughter now. And I can tell you something. My daughter's a lot like Terry, but she's a lot like me. And it bothers me because she took the worst things from me. She took the worst things from me. She took the ability to see the future.

[B]

That seems like a good thing to take.

[A]

It's like what you said. You didn't ride your bike because you saw yourself in the hospital. You saw the future after you go out. Like, I'm gonna type it like, look, when we got here, everything was a dinner, right? Every time you bump into some people, we gotta go to a new restaurant. Oh, Borghese and Cliffside. You know, it's every fucking week somebody hits you with a new restaurant. So the only way I can have a social life is by going to a restaurant. Yeah. And sitting with eight guys. And do you want sparkling water or bubbly? And the table behind you loud and all that shit? That became that after a while. I kept saying, what are we doing this, bro? We're dropping $800 to do something that we could do in our houses. Have people come over, get some Chinese or whatever. What are we doing? What are we doing? When I was young, I would make these plans. I did this constantly. I'd make these plans, spend the money, get there, and then realize, I don't want to be there. Oh, no.

[B]

And would you stay or would you leave? Oh, that would pivot.

[A]

I did it in Florida one time with our friend. We drove down, got out of the car Looked at the beach and said, there's no coke. This sucks. We got right back in the car and drove to Jersey from Miami. There was no coke in Miami at this time. We had run out of coke, okay? And we're trying to get some on the beach. And people were like, we don't know. We're fucked up. You know, we're just gonna go to a hotel. We just got right back in the car and drove straight back to Northburg. And then I went to Hawaii.

[B]

I didn't know you went to Hawaii.

[A]

A friend of mine when we were young, because I had a girl from Cliffside that The office was in Cliffside, she worked for a travel agency. She would get you all inclusive deals, like 900 for nine days.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

Okay, after three days, what are we doing here?

[B]

See, I like vacation.

[A]

No. Nine days. And even then, with no dough, nothing. I'm like, three days, that's it, we're good. I looked at him, I go, what do you think? He was like, get the fuck out of here. We're on the next flight. And it cost us money. We had to pay, like, $150 to fly. I was like.

[B]

To leave.

[A]

Oh, my God. But it's. It's just. And I was doing the same thing with concerts, right? I would get to a concert, they play the song you want to hear, and you're like, I have another hour with these idiots breathing on me and all, let's get the fuck out of here. Go home and get a slice of pizza and call them out, dude.

[B]

And speaking of that, I haven't watched a UFC in probably four or five years. I love that it's on Paramount plus now. Did you want. I didn't watch that much of it because I had the show. But the fact that I don't have to pay 80 to 100 bucks anymore to watch a fight, you know?

[A]

How many fights do you watch a year? Like you said I would have.

[B]

I will now for. Because I get it for the commercials. I. Fuck the commercial.

[A]

I don't give a fuck. I don't give it. But that's. But I just read about. People were pissed about the commercial. And like Dana said, It's $8. Yeah, we gotta make some fucking money, you know? But people are never satisfied, no matter what.

[B]

No.

[A]

People are never gonna be satisfied, no matter what.

[B]

Fuck.

[A]

But that's my problem, okay? Now, if I feel that way, I started noticing kids that would go to all the concerts. They weren't going to concerts because they liked the music. They found out that by going to concerts it made them cooler. Okay? It wasn't to go to the music. It was to come home with the T shirt and sit outside of high school. And when you come in the next day, they're like, yeah, they were sensational. But you knew 10 people went and they were like, dog. That was dog shit. So 10 people who I really trust compared to three white dudes that are just walking around with their eyes closed trying to be cool. I didn't believe them no more because everybody else was telling me the sound was bad, the guy was hammered, the fucking lights fell down, the bird flew out. But you're telling me it was the best show you ever saw. So what's the truth here? What's the fucking truth here? The truth is, since you went all out and bought this, you can't say it sucked. Me, I'll say it sucked. I'm the type of guy to go, doug, we left. What do you mean you left? You paid 200. We left. Though there's no reason to be that. But people who paid $200. Can you imagine today paying $600 to see a band? What are you gonna say when you see your friends? They were good. No, they weren't. He's 80, he's 70. He got 18 backup singers. His dick has fallen out of his pants, his legs are like bean poles. Cause he's 70. And you're telling me. No, I'm not taking that. I'm not taking that. So if you go to these old concerts and you're older than like. And now you have the 20 year olds that are just confused. They go to a store and go, whose tool? They're a band. And they don't even listen to an album. They'll just buy a $400 ticket and go and get a shirt without even enjoying the concert. By the way, I saw. What's the name of the Jewish band? Everybody jumps up and down. Infected mushroom, I think they were at the garden. Were they okay, Something. And they had Jews with little hats. The whole garden was jumping up and down.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Shaking. And them Jews are rocking, Jack.

[B]

Yeah. Jews like to party.

[A]

That a Palestinian that were beaten up in the middle.

[B]

They just fly them in.

[A]

Oh, they just fly them in. They fly them in on the kites. Like the. Like the way the Assad and took them out. Whatever.

[B]

The October 7th. Yeah.

[A]

They ain't even important anymore. No. Nobody's talking about Gaza no more.

[B]

No.

[A]

Yeah. It's a ceasefire.

[B]

Is there?

[A]

Remember how they plucked out the Jews? Yeah. Those Air things. What do you call them?

[B]

There's like the gliders or whatever.

[A]

Yeah, that's what you. You just bring a glider in with a Palestinian. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. We haven't eaten lunch. Okay. We haven't eaten lunch. That's a good line. Let's take a minute. We're going to take a breather. Talk to you about DraftKings real quick, the playoffs, everything. We'll be right back. What's happening, Uncle Joey? Here. This episode is brought to you by DraftKings Sportsbook, the number one sportsbook for live betting. There's only one UFC 325 this Saturday, and once it's over, your shot to get it on, the action is gone. DraftKings sportsbook is built for live betting, not just pre fight picks. In the UFC, one woman can flip the entire fight. One punch, one kick, one takedown. Now, if you're new to DraftKings, new customers, new customers can bet five bucks and get $300 in bonus bets if your bet wins with Code Joey. Code Joey again. $5 gets you $300 in instant cash if your bet wins with Code Joey. To download the DraftKings Sportsbook app and press code Joey J O E Y to turn five bucks into 300 bonus bet if your bet wins in partnership with DraftKings Way, the crown is yours. Gambling problem. Call 1-800- gambler New York, call 877-8-HOPE and WHY or text HOPE and WHY Connecticut. Call 888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org on behalf of Boothill Casino in Kansas. Wager tax pass through. May apply in Illinois, 21 and over in most states. Void and on restrictions apply. Bet must win to receive bonus bets which expire in seven days. Minimum odds required. For additional terms and responsible gaming resources, see DKNG CO Audio limited Time offer Dry. January got you stressed out? Take a break with in the Cloud. In the Cloud is your full illegal online dispensary. Check out the gummies, vapes, pre rolls and edibles. Skip the hangovers and keep your resolutions within the clouds. New Sugar free again. Sugar zero calorie. THC sodas. Ba boom. All interclown products are federally legal thc. Everything is sold DEA certified, lab tested and shipped discreetly. Listen, I love Indeclown. If you know anything about me, I take that vampire. Those us. Those cherry 500 milligrams. They'll make you look at life a lot differently. You'll realize that you blew a lot of things in life. Unwind Your way with in the cloud. If you're 21 older, visit in the Cloud Co and use code CHURCH for 25% off plus free shipping. That's InTheCloud CodeChurch. C H U R C H for 25% off free shipping and absolute zero hangover and regrets. Enjoy responsibly and I want to thank in the Cloud for saving Dry January for you Mooks. We're back. Anyway, a lot happened this week. You know, we were talking about time and that's. That's all I ever talk about, man. And that's what I really mean is that for years I sat behind the eight ball dreaming when I didn't have this fucking albatross around my neck. Whether it was drugs or probation or whatever. And I kept putting away time. One more year at this time next year, I won't be doing drugs. I did that like fucking 20 years. Yeah. After a while you stop believing yourself. You're like, I don't know. Well, I'm even out of lies to myself, you know? So when that shit just disappeared, I was like, dog before anything. I gotta get back some of this time. Yeah, Just a little bit of it. Just maybe if I get five years back, be productive, something, you know. And now like you're seeing that people work longer at 70. That's. You see people walking around now. Yeah, at 70, you see people walking around. There's still tons of 70 year olds that are healthy. And I guess I'm gonna make my time up there.

[B]

Yeah, but you're also not. It's amazing. Like, because you. You were talking earlier. I'll get my life together when I'm 30. Whatever. There's a lot of people who just drop dead at 28, 35. Like you have.

[A]

You have no idea. I should have taken that job at Costco. I mean, you know.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And that's. It's a life of regrets. You want to have as little. Listen, a life of regrets isn't bad because at least you tried. What about somebody who we went to high school with that got a job at Tonley Avenue at one of those places, and he's just about ready to retire now and he's 60 and he never tried anything. He never took a chance. He put away his paychecks, he fucking ate TV dinners to save money. So when he gets old, he never took a chance. He never fucking took a chance, man. Did you want that to be you fucking God gave you this great life and you didn't take a chance. You didn't take a Fucking chance. Like, you didn't go on vacations. You didn't even go. Forget vacations. Forget vacations. You didn't even go see what another city looked like. You were so scared of everything in your life. And trust me, for all the shit we talk on here, there's millions of people that are like that, that they go to their jobs, they come home, they're safe, man. And they'll do that to their 65 somewhere or another, their parents will die, leave them half a house, you know, I mean, and that's how you see it. And it's the same thing. The kids they're going to have aren't going to light themselves on fire because the parents didn't light themselves on fire.

[B]

Do you see Mercy take, like, doing stuff that other kids don't do because, like, because of you and Terry, like, did, like, went to la. Like, is she more adventurous?

[A]

Yes and no. Because she's my daughter. So she's a fucking weirdo like me, you know? You see that? She even told me, though. I thought about it and then I said, I'm gonna get dressed up and go down there and see those people. I'd rather stay home. I'm like, this is my daughter. She just wrote her night out before the night was out. And sometimes that's great and sometimes that's bad.

[B]

Yeah, because, I mean, that. Isn't that what you want when you have a kid is like, give them your good qualities.

[A]

But, yeah, but I like that. I want her to have a sense of adventure. I want her to know that life is a maze. You're going to go down this street, there's going to be a door. You're going to go down this street. You're a mouse. You're just a mouse in a rat race. You're trying to get to the door, that's going to. And that's all you're trying. But I don't want you to give up after two fucking doors. What good is it if you gave up after two fucking doors? You got to keep rolling into those fucking doors and see what it brings. And if it's no, it's no. If it's yes, it's yes like anything else. But I'm going to sit there at 60 and regret that. Fuck, all I ever want to do is a play in New York. That's easy. Yeah, that's easy.

[B]

Dude. I was. I was. I got a little high and I was listening to music the other like a week or two. I even tweeted, I haven't tweeted in years. But I think it was like a John Lennon song. It had, like, one of the best lyrics I've ever heard. Like, life is what happens when you're busy making plans or something. That's a up lyric. Because I. I do nothing but plan. And I think a lot of people do.

[A]

That's all they do. It's like, Lee, man, comedy is really going off right now in this town. I'm not blowing smoke up your ass. I think you should find your way to Cincinnati or LA or New York and you'll go, yeah, that's in my plans. I'm putting away money. And in 18 months, I'll be right. Disconnect that call. That's never going to happen. And you know it. You know it just from dealing with a hundred people who tell you, in three years, I'm going to Europe, I'm putting away money. Not happening. That's not happening. I want the guy that you call and go, hey, bro, what are we doing tomorrow? I got a $80. I got $3. That's 480 between the both of us. We can make it. And you're there. You tried something. Hey, we couldn't get in. We failed. No big deal. We didn't get in. We didn't do this. We didn't get that diploma. It's going to happen. We just can't go home and stay home and make your life safe. I have tons of regrets, but not the regrets that most people have. I have regrets that I robbed people. I robbed people who I loved. You know, I did shit like that, but nothing I wanted to try that I ever let stand in the way of anything. I fucking got through it one way or the other. It took me two years to get on stage from being a pussy, telling you the truth, being a pussy, because I was scared for what was going to happen. If I cross that wall, what is going to happen? I wasn't scared of crossing the wall. I was scared to what was going to happen and what I thought was going to happen happened.

[B]

What became successful.

[A]

I knew that if I tried that, it was a lot better than anything else I was doing. And I had something attached to comedy. I liked it. Yeah, I like laying bricks. But I don't want to work there 10 hours a day, every fucking day. And that's good for three days. You lay some bricks. Oh, you're a great catch in a month, you know, you follow me. But I crossed over something that I was kind of scared because I knew that maybe would find The Voice. Maybe I would do good. And you know what? I can't do that. I got to stay on this side of the fence. I got to keep snorting coke and keep being a loser.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

50% of the population, guys.

[B]

And, like, things might be going well on paper. Like, it's the reason why I, like, stand up over, like, a day job is there. And you always, like, you always talk about pay, like there's no ceiling on your pay. But even nothing upsets me more than when people tell you, oh, it's a job. You're not supposed to like your job. Why am I gonna do it for 40 years if I don't? Do I?

[A]

I exactly.

[B]

Bums me out.

[A]

Exactly. Exactly. You know, it's like having that. It's like having a job when you do stand up in the beginning and you're getting better and all you salivate about was the day you call the boss and tell him to suck your dick. That's all you dream about. That's. Listen, I've been there. I don't give a fuck what I've been. No, I didn't think like that. Fuck you. Because there's one night during the week that you go out to an open mic or somewhere and there's somebody who's got a gram of coke. There's a chick who was a stripper who thinks she wants to be a comic. There's all fucking things that you're going to get snagged and you're not going to make it to that job. And you still get up in the morning and what do you do when you put your sneakers on, man? Someday I'm going to be funny. I'm not going to have to do this fucking job no more. Yeah. And then one day you have to quit that job. You actually do it, but now you're kind of scared. I don't know. I get those people. I don't know what life's going to bring now. I've never worked on commission before. Give it a shot. Because I know this for a fact. If I tell you I'm going to pay you 20 bucks an hour and give you a raise every. Whenever the law says that, every year. And then I'll take care of you. Whatever I'm going to pay you from 20 to the age of 60. I think you have more of a shot with a mediocre salary, going on your own, finding the lumps of it and getting good at it. Because the year you're gonna eat shit for, you're gonna eat good for 20 years after that, it's just a year that you're gonna have to bust your balls. Maybe 18 months. You have to eat at mom's. Gonna have to live at mom's basement, whatever. You know, Live on your girlfriend's floor, whatever. Knowing. Yeah.

[B]

You know, knowing that especially at 18, like. And I wouldn't have made it, so it wouldn't have been for me. But looking back at it, joining the military is probably the smartest thing most people can do. Retire by 35.

[A]

Regret. Also, I did an eight ball the night before and didn't go for my blood test on Bergen Avenue because. Listen, why don't people join the service? Tell me why.

[B]

I think half of them are scared. And then half of them, like, you feel like you're signing up for five or six years and you can't leave. That's scary.

[A]

Now, tell these people at home how fast five years goes.

[B]

It was Covid.

[A]

I just. I've been here five years.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it went like that. Five years. When you look at. When somebody looks at you and goes. Because I was the king of that. Hey, so when do you think I'll become a plumber or a painter? And they're like. Like six years away. You're like, six years. My rent is due next week. Yeah, you're like. Because we think for today. We don't think for six years. Six years. Six years. I get. I could be here with you for four years, cross Boulevard east and get hit by a truck. And there's my six years wasting my time with you. But then again, that's what we're all scared of. We look at the time and we go, fuck that. Let me tell you something. How long have I. How long have you been doing a podcast with me?

[B]

For 15 years.

[A]

You're five years away from retiring in the service right now. I know. So you would join the Service, and at 21, you're out of there at 41. With a pension, all your insurance, your shoes, your sneakers, everything for the rest of your life. It's like somebody keeps asking this on ig. You see it. Pick two things. You ever see that when they. A million dollars. Thousand dollars a second. The fuck? Two models for the rest of your life. Pick two.

[B]

Right?

[A]

You know? Yeah, two.

[B]

And it's between those two.

[A]

No, no, no, no. I'm just saying that it says pick two of anything.

[B]

Right, right.

[A]

What would you rather have, 200amonth? You know, doesn't matter. It's like, we see that. We see that wall, and it's all right. I don't give a fuck who you are. I don't give a fuck how intelligent you are. When they hit you with the amount of years, you go, ooh, at first, you know, but then even a doctor. Seven years. Seven years and eight. One. One year in emergency, maybe 18 months in emergency, and you're making 3, 400,000 a year for the rest of your fucking life.

[B]

But it's scary.

[A]

We don't look at that. Eight years. We're like, fuck, eight years. Eight years is like this. Eight years is like this. What's today's date? The 28th. The 29th today. I was like, fuck, it's the 28th. Tomorrow, the 29th. I'm like, I'm a regular at the Comedy Store. 30 years.

[B]

Damn.

[A]

30 years. Not 10, not five. 30 fucking years. I'm a regular at the Comedy Store, okay? But I'm wrong, because it's January of next year, 2007. But think about that. Thirty fucking years ago, I walked into that place with three pair of jeans, fucking two T shirts, a fucking. What's that shit you have in your mouth? An abscess. Yeah, an abscess. Like it squeezed a puss off and it would shoot at people out of a fucking molar that was dead, you know, I didn't know what it was going to bring. 30 fucking years. It seemed like yesterday. For people who are asking, seems like two years ago. So if you didn't want to join the army or whatever, or a commitment to medical school or even an attorney, because you looked at the payoff, you're wrong. You were wrong. And trust me, I made that mistake. I'm sure a lot of people in this room made that mistake. We looked at the time and we go, nah, I'll sell drugs.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Then you get arrested in two years. You do two years of time and you're like, I'm at the same place I was four years ago. I could have gone to work and been a fucking whatever.

[B]

Now, dude, the fact that you. You told, like, you've talked about, like, the score that you made before you went to jail and the. In your lawyer bill was the exact amount of money you made, I would have been like, fuck it.

[A]

I'm going with the crazy. With the free attorney we do, and we spin our fucking wheels. And at some age, you're like, how much longer am I going to spin my wheels? You know? And that's all we. I'm talking to you guys. That's all I'm trying to tell you. I'm giving it to you from my perspective, I had a lot of time to catch up. So when I had that feeling, I was three months clean, four months clean. I'm like, we got this now. Now we gotta start doing something. Because before, I had an excuse. Before I had an excuse, and I didn't use it as an excuse. Pretty tough to tell people I didn't make it because I snorted 8 ounces of coke last night.

[B]

Right?

[A]

So. But you follow me. So you had this. And that's right, that's the thing. You have to look and go, what do I want? Before I fucking. They put me in this fucking hole. Which could be any day now. Yeah, could be any fucking day. I got an infection in my knee. I die. This thing gets infected, I die. You know, anything, Anything I got before I was going down the stairs, and I'm like, what if I fall? Like Ace Freely? Next thing you know, I'm dead. Tomorrow, I'm listening to Kiss songs the next day.

[B]

What if you bump your head?

[A]

Yeah, what if I slip on the ice and bump my head and don't go to the hospital and die in my sleep? That's what happened to John Mulaney. He died. A comedian. No, no, John. A couple weeks ago, a comedian died.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

He was doing something outside, he slipped, he banged his head, he went in, he fell asleep and he died. Damn. So this is why.

[B]

Might as well go for it.

[A]

Go for it. Who get guys, who gives a shit? At the end, nobody's gonna remember that you failed. They're gonna remember you didn't do dick. What's that movie with Gandolfini and Tom Hardy? Fucking really good movie. Oh, yeah, it's called the Drop. And he goes. Tom Hardy goes to see him one night when he's trying to rob the soup bowl. It's about robbing the bar on the soup bowl night. And Gandolfini takes the night off, and Tom Hardy goes down there and checks him. That's a great scene about two guys that know they're fucking done, but now they're arguing about how done. They really are. Like, you know. And he's like, well, there was one time I walked into a bar, people sat up straight when. And Tom Hardy's like, when was that the fuck out of here. Well, my name was on the bar. You know, whatever the fuck it is. It's just. You just always. I didn't know what I was going to do when I turned 42. And I did the longest yard after the longest yard that one year when nothing happened and everybody else was popping up, everybody else had a show. I was like, I'm done. I'm like, I might as well start. And that's when you start thinking about walking into Subway and seeing that guy. There's like three 10 year olds in there. Three like 18 year olds and one retarded 22 year old. But then there's always that one 58 year old guy with a Led Zeppelin shirt on with the long ponytail, his nails are still painted, you know, and he's still living. Like, man, that smoke sense of me at one time, the other feeling like, really? Yeah, man, who gives a fuck? You're at subway. You're 58 and you're at Subway with the ponytail and the colored nail, still thinking it's 1980 and you're an Aerosmith or your youngblood. You're neither of them. You're in a Subway sandwich. What do you have to say for yourself now? What was so cool about your life? What was so fucking cool about it? Oh, I went to Phi Zeppelin and we partied out. Okay, and then what?

[B]

Especially when you're making 15 bucks an hour.

[A]

That's not how you. Nobody planned to go out that way. Nobody planned to work at subway at 60 and try to be the cool guy at Subway with two earrings and silver on eight silver chains and silver bracelets. Yeah, look at me, I'm cool. You're not that cool. You're at Subway. You're too stupid to even get a greeter job at Costco. That's how stupid you are. 50 GS a year, you're that stupid? You're still here? Yeah, we're gonna meet the guys tonight. We're gonna go to Banky Wankies and see a band. Yeah, good. Yeah. You know, and then you see them, like all their friends got motorcycles. They got like the beat up motorcycle. And they gotta wear a football helmet for a helmet and shit. Why? How did this happen? Did you not catch yourself somewhere along the line? But there's excuses. What if you did time for 30 years and you came out, you know, what if you, you know, I don't know. But Nobody should be 58 in a fucking subway with painted fingernails on, dressed like Aerosmith. Still talking about it, you know, Isn't it?

[B]

That's a weird one. And it's not just rock, but when you can tell what somebody likes by the way they're dressed.

[A]

And then when they're old. I can see when you're 20, you want to scare people and shock people. Look at me, I'm goth. You ain't goth when you fuck Marilyn Manson. That's when you're goth. When you suck that skinny dick and he shits on your forehead. That's God. What you're doing with that white kid in the Village. That's nothing. That's just two little faggots.

[B]

He has to shit on your forehead.

[A]

Oh, Marilyn Manson destroyed those women. Three of them sued him. What'd he put me through? He put you in a closet and give you, like, a ham bone and fuck you two hours later. You know, that's God. You want God, bitch? I'll give you God.

[B]

I had no idea.

[A]

Yeah, you got a shit on your forehead to get fucked and all that crazy shit. I got a shit in my mouth and all that. People aren't ready for that. They just think they read goth and they. They get creepy eyelashes and all of a sudden they. They wear. They get work boots and a fucking. I'm God. You're not God.

[B]

Why do you think people are willing to put up with that? To like. To like a celebrity? Because they wouldn't let. They wouldn't let a normal guy shit on their forehead. But if it's Marilyn Manson, they're fucking cool with. It's amazing what you can do when you're a celebrity.

[A]

It's not even a celebrity. It's just. We think if I could fall on somebody's forehead. Yeah. You know, people come up to me, you're a celebrity. I'm no celebrity. You don't see me shitting on somebody's fucking forehead. Yeah, but I'm looking in the mirror and going, I'm a bad motherfucker afterward. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

You have a better chance now than you would if you were working at fucking Hashways.

[A]

Yes,

[B]

dude, I guarantee that there's one. And I'm not saying she's going to be good looking, but there's one woman out there listening to this right now who'd be like, I'd let Uncle Joey on my forehead.

[A]

You know, it's really weird. Remember when. Remember the episode of Sopranos when Christopher found out that his girlfriend was a rat?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And he went somewhere to call her. He was getting gas and a family pulled up. The guy even looked like him with the fucking hooked nose. And he had a wife and had, like, four kids with rickets. And they walked out. And they walked out and they had a mattress on the car and they walked out and they all came back with potato chips. And Christopher looked at that Guy the same way I look at people sometimes and go, what the fuck happened? How did you have four kids and you still want to play this game? When you see that, it's because the guy was still playing that game. I'm telling you, the band's gonna make it. Listen, stop, stop. You're all 60, you're in no danger. You know, the singer's got a fucking clep lip. I mean, and that's what the problem happens, that you let that dude take his family. A wife didn't get up and go, it's over. This is not happening no more. You're getting a good job tomorrow. And if not, I'm taking my kids to my parents house. And you see that? When you saw that, it hits you. He saw that this was going to be his fucking life now with this Ileana, whatever fucking name was Adriana. And I got to go on the run with this rat. She's going to be around me all the time because we're rats. I'm not doing that. And you have to decide what you're going to do and what you're not going to fucking do, you know? And that's it. That's all I ever try to tell people, man. I'm not no better than anybody else. I'm trying to fucking make up time. And that's how I look at things sometimes. It's wrong. Some people look at me and go, oh, well, you don't want to have no fun. Define fun. Define fun to me. You know what fun is, man? Us getting in that fucking plane and not having to worry about it. Okay, that's fun. Can we do that every week? No, no, I can't do that every week. But to take you guys and make it a family thing, that's fun. So what is fun? Define fun to me. Define fun. You want to go to some concert with four losers with $8 in your pocket. You don't even know how you're coming home if the ferry stops working at night or whatever, you know? I mean, define fun to me. What was fun? And I'm talking about me. Fun for me was snorting coke and looking out a window and being in debt and somebody looking for me and somebody owing me. That was fun for me.

[B]

Oh my God, that's fun.

[A]

Yeah, that's fun, Joey. That was my fun. Was it that much fun? No. I hurt people I loved, you know, it was just a variety of things. I'm not regretting it now. Some of those people I should have robbed twice. Some of those scumbags I should have robbed them three, four times. That's not the situation here.

[B]

Do you think like I'm in like 10 years, not coke, but like at some point you maybe you'll pick up robbing again? Just little things, not a big one,

[A]

just like a little bit. Listen man, you get to a point where once you get out of something, you learn how to get out a lot of things. And the common messages, you got out alive. Don't go back. Not even to visit, not even to look, don't go back. That was a point in time. Don't go back. Because when we go back, that's when we get in trouble, right? You know, so don't go back.

[B]

Okay, I guess. See, to me, I thought you had fun doing that. I could dog.

[A]

It was fun. Shoplifting, it was fun snorting coke and snorting coke off the chick's pussy and staying up all night and tying her up and that's fun. And I still think it would be fun, you know what I'm saying? If I could do coke and fucking still be crazy, I would. But I know if I did a line of coke, my world would collide. Not health or nothing like that. The promise I made. But we're not even going to get into that. I just know that I can't go back to that. You don't know how many times I think about that. Like when I turn 65, I'm going to get 10, 8 balls and get some 25 year old chick and blacken the room in a hotel room and fuck it till I die with Viagra because most guys just die from the Viagra.

[B]

That's not a bad way to go.

[A]

Oh no, no. But then my daughter and my wife see that and they read in the paper that they picked him up at a hotel, he was tied up with jelly on his balls. And then. That's great, that's great. At the funeral. That'll be great. They'll be holding the head up high, you know what I'm saying? Where you at this week, cocksucker?

[B]

This week?

[A]

We're at the dojo tonight, Wednesday night, dojo, Saturday night, St. George motherfucking theater, Staten Island, Royal Crown. What's the other place I said with the chicken?

[B]

I don't know the name. You just said there's great chicken, great chicken.

[A]

I had two pieces today. Tremendous.

[B]

Oh, I can't wait.

[A]

The ham, the cheese.

[B]

Oh, the chicken cordon bleu.

[A]

Yeah, Chicken cordon blue from Fiores. Fiori, Staten Island. I'm excited about that. And that's it, guys. We have nothing this week. That's it.

[B]

Thursday night, I'm at the Grizzly Pear. Friday night, I'm at Tiny Cupboard, But I'll be. I'll be in a few places. I'm very excited.

[A]

He's a man of many places, Lisa. He, too, is trying to recover on lost time. You know what I'm saying? But anyway, I love you guys. I'm sorry about last week. I'm sorry about putting the podcast up late this week. The snow, we couldn't control some shit. So it's here now. Take it and take a fucking hike. I love you. Have a great week. We love you. Here, Tell them you love them.

[B]

I love you guys.

[A]

Love you. And.