It's getting too deep in here

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Church of What's Happening Now – New Testament

Episode Title: "It's Getting Too Deep In Here"
Date: March 10, 2026
Host: Joey Coco Diaz
Co-host: Lee Syatt
Location: Live from NYC

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Episode Overview

In this lively episode, Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt dive deep into the raw realities of the comedy life, memories from the road, the evolution of their approach to stand-up, casino adventures, life’s ups and downs, aging, relationships, and the value of old-school connections. The conversation is unscripted, irreverent, and full of humor, peppered with honest reflections from two long-time friends who have seen and done it all. Whether chronicling misadventures in casinos, ruminating on masculinity and health, or fondly recalling influential teachers, the duo keeps the energy high and the laughs flowing.

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Key Themes and Discussion Points

1. Comedy on the Road — Past and Present

• Nerves Before Shows: Joey reflects on his shifted mindset, moving from business-like intensity to reclaiming fun in comedy, and how it makes for a better experience (00:37–02:10).
  • Quote: "You're even funnier when you laugh all day, right?... When you laugh all day, you're funnier than death." – Joey (01:10)
• Appreciating the Crowd: Importance of honoring the audience’s effort in showing up (00:37–01:40).
• Letting Go of Perfection: Embracing the possibility of bad sets but always swinging for the fences; the key is fun and camaraderie (01:50–02:25).

2. Casino Life: Degeneracy, Superstitions & Stories

• Tales from Tampa, Vegas, Eureka: Joey and Lee reminisce about wild nights at casinos, $100 tables, memorable dealers, and characters encountered (02:26–10:09).
  • Quote: "Sometimes you gotta lose to remind you that you're a fucking loser." – Joey (03:24)
• Superstitions at the Table: Both share personal casino rituals—Lee doesn’t use the bathroom while gambling due to bad luck, Joey distrusts Chinese people standing behind him (14:38–14:58).
• Degenerate Gambler Stories: Joey discusses childhood memories of OTB and his mother's intense gambling.
• Colorful Casino Characters: From meth-fueled strippers to old ladies with oxygen tanks (06:01–09:54).
• The Sensory Experience: The nostalgia of smoke, Sinatra, and the 'old school' vibe (10:29–10:43).

3. Food Adventures On The Road

• Chicken Cutlet Disappointment: Joey’s complaints on mass-produced, uninspired deli sandwiches versus a homemade cutlet (17:17–18:08).
  • Quote: "If you eat the shit from the region... that's as good as it gets." (18:09)
• Regional Food Wisdom: Stay true to local specialties; don’t order pizza in the wrong state (18:00–19:30)

4. On Aging, Sex, and the Reality of Getting Older

• Physical & Sexual Health: Brutal honesty about aging, ED, and diminishing libido, with both humor and real tips (20:08–38:12).
  • Notable Quotes:
    • “I'm 63. I could be dead tomorrow. I could wake up tomorrow morning and just die. So if I could make out with a little chubby chick one time in Florida, what the fuck?" – Joey (20:54)
    • "If you want longevity, a better nut … now they're talking about the damages of porn." – Joey (33:21)
• Prescription Wisdom: Joey gives frank advice on "modern solutions" like BlueChew and PT-141 and the realities of porn, masturbation, and testosterone.

5. Relationships, Temptation & Road Life Stories

• On Fidelity and Temptation: Joey’s rules for cheating, one-off encounters on the road, and how life was different in his heyday (22:44–24:48).
  • Quote: "If you bump into a blowjob, God wanted to make your day." – Joey (22:54)
• Women of a Certain Age: Unique challenges and stories about dating, sexual rejuvenation, and changed attitudes among older women (24:48–28:13)
• Road Fling Anecdotes: Graphic and hilarious tales of random hookups, complete with unexpected surprises (skin tags) (59:52–64:25).
  • Quote: “It was like bugs were all over her back.” – Joey (61:47)

6. Influential Teachers and Old-School Values

• Honoring Teachers: Detailed recollections of teachers who pushed Joey, taught tough lessons, and the difference from today’s schools (43:47–54:30).
  • Quote: "That's not a lesson you learn in a book. And that's the lessons we were learning early on that my daughter will never learn from her teachers." – Joey (51:54)
• Friendships & Lifelong Connections: How formative figures—from teachers to old neighbors—helped shape their resilience.
• Parenting Reflections: Discussions on raising kids with toughness and encouraging them to gain life skills beyond academics (73:41–75:10).

7. Comedy as a Business and an Art

• Bombing and Recovery: The journey from taking every bomb personally and self-medicating, to seeing it as part of the job (72:03–72:30).
  • Quote: “Now I bomb and I go home and I go to sleep.” – Joey (72:29)
• Hollywood and Backstabbing: Harsh lessons about trust, jealousy, loyalty among comics, including true stories of betrayal (69:59–70:42).

8. Life Lessons & Harsh Realities of Chasing Dreams

• Letting Go of Security: Joey’s advice to go “all in,” giving up day jobs to pursue a real shot at a dream (76:17–78:33).
  • Quote: "If you hit me with, 'well, I'm going to do it one day a week.' Your foot's still in there. So you're not. Your heart's not going to be in that." – Joey (77:10)
• Debt and Desperation: Candid tales of Joey’s past with debt, scamming banks, and scrapping to get by (78:57–83:02).
• "Being Joey Diaz": Living life always alert for opportunity—even if it’s ill-gotten (82:34–83:02).

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Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• On Mindset and Laughter:
  "You're even funnier when you laugh all day, right?... When you laugh all day, you're funnier than death." – Joey (01:10)
• On Casino Fails:
  "Sometimes you gotta lose to remind you that you're a fucking loser." – Joey (03:24)
• On “Bumping Into a Blowjob”:
  "If you bump into a blowjob, God wanted to make your day." – Joey (22:54)
• On Aging:
  "I'm 63. I could be dead tomorrow. I could wake up tomorrow morning and just die. So if I could make out with a little chubby chick one time in Florida, what the fuck?" – Joey (20:54)
• On Teachers:
  "That's not a lesson you learn in a book. And that's the lessons we were learning early on that my daughter will never learn from her teachers." – Joey (51:54)
• On Dream Chasing:
  "If you hit me with, 'well, I'm going to do it one day a week.' Your foot's still in there. So you're not. Your heart's not going to be in that." – Joey (77:10)
• On Comedy Bombs:
  "Now I bomb and I go home and I go to sleep." – Joey (72:29)

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Timestamps for Highlights

• Comedy Mindset Shift: 00:37–02:25
• Casino Tales: 02:26–10:09
• Food Talk: 17:24–19:30
• Aging and Sex: 20:08–38:12
• Teachers and Mentorship: 43:47–54:30
• Hollywood & Comedy Inside Scoop: 69:59–72:03
• Going "All In" on Dreams & Lessons from Failure: 76:17–78:33
• Debt and Hustle Stories: 78:57–83:02

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Tone and Language

Raunchy, unapologetic, and heartfelt—just as fans of Joey Diaz expect. The dialogue is peppered with profanity, NYC street wisdom, and emotional honesty; stories come with raw edges but also warmth, care, and hard-earned insight.

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Memorable Moments

• Joey describing a Florida casino where everyone had "an oxygen mask and a black card," and what it was like to tell the staff his mother died just to quit a gig. (09:17)
• Joey’s graphic, hilarious description of sexual mishaps due to aging, and his steadfast loyalty to newer ED treatments (38:12).
• The skin tag story—Joey’s wildest on-the-road hookup, only discovered after it was too late (59:52–64:25).
• A touching reflection on former teachers and the lost art of real mentorship (43:47).
• Unfiltered life philosophy: “I’m old school, dog. I’m not gonna fucking... you got your people, they take care of you, you take care of them. But those are the people that got me through, man.” (56:46)

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Summary Takeaway:
This episode is a master class in unfiltered, real-life storytelling, blending gut-busting comedy with honest reflection and timeless wisdom about work, friendship, dreams, and the wild ride of aging. Joey and Lee remind us that the best comedy is rooted in truth, pain, survival—and laughter, even when it’s "getting too deep in here."

Transcript

[Joey Diaz]

Kick this motherfucking meal. Lee. What's happening? Beautiful people. It's the Church of what's happening Now?

[Lee Syatt]

New Testament.

[Joey Diaz]

New Testament. It's Tuesday, March 10th. We're ready to rock and roll here, you savages. What up, Lee? How you at, dude?

[Lee Syatt]

It was. We had a fun weekend.

[Joey Diaz]

We had a very fun weekend. I want to give thanks to Tampa and the people of Tampa and the surrounding areas for showing up at the Hard Rock. It was a great energy. It was a great night. Comedy was great. I was very nervous. I was gonna eat a box of dick. But I turned it around and everything worked out.

[Lee Syatt]

No, the show was great.

[Joey Diaz]

Lee did great. Steve Simone did great. But the night before was fucking. And, you know, listen, I told you guys how I felt. I told George a while ago, from 2015 to 2020. I admired doing this and I was having a good time, but not really, because I was treating it like a business. No fucking around, no nothing. We go, we kill them and we leave. And that's great. That's a great attitude to have. I could go, let's go up there, do the best we can. No, we're going to fucking kill them and come back. But I was missing out. I was sitting in my room all day. By the time you get to the show, you haven't spoken to anybody all fucking day. You're in your room, right? In hbo, rolling joints, walking around the neighborhood, smoking joints. And I talked to Ari and I told him if I do this again, it's going to be on one condition. I'm just going to have fun. No more beating myself up the night before. No more 20 Xanaxes to go before. Because it was a business, right? You know I take that seriously. You fucking paid for a babysitter, Restaurant parking. You came all the way down here to see me and I'm going to bomb. It's not going to happen. I'm not cut that way. It just doesn't happen. I'm at least gonna swing for the fucking fences. You have bad shows, but no, that's the product we're selling. But guess what? You're even funnier when you laugh all day, right? Okay. When you laugh all day, you're funnier than death. You know, you're not thinking about the stupid fucking show that's holding you down in a room and the four walls are starting to close in on you. Are you gonna have a good set? Try this joke. You did this joke 18 months ago when you were here. You know that? That's it. So now I'M going out. I don't give a fuck. Staten Island, Atlanta. We didn't give a fuck. Jack.

[Lee Syatt]

You're gambling now. We used to go to casinos and you'd play the. The video poker for like six minutes.

[Joey Diaz]

That's it. Business. 20 bucks I gotta give back to the casino. 20 bucks. That's not fair. Oh, me a lot of money. Why would I only give 20 bucks? Let's go. Get all you to the table.

[Lee Syatt]

And we had the best. We had the best blackjack. This is how Jewish I am. I haven't. I don't. This is not leaving my wallet. I have nothing but hundreds in this fucking wallet.

[Joey Diaz]

Now. Now's the time to mug him. You know what I'm saying? Look it, if you hit him in the head tonight coming out of the. Coming out of the stand at 10:30.

[Lee Syatt]

We took edibles.

[Joey Diaz]

Never showed money.

[Lee Syatt]

Never. Because I never win.

[Joey Diaz]

Look at those twenties in there.

[Lee Syatt]

There's no twenties.

[Joey Diaz]

They got cobwebs.

[Lee Syatt]

Nothing but hundreds. And two ones.

[Joey Diaz]

That's it. You've had those two ones in there since you had a paper route.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

That was a tip from Mrs. Manjulo.

[Lee Syatt]

It was my lunch money. Oh, my God. But that was. I've never. Blackjack, to me, is one of the most fun things you can do when it like a night like Wednesday night.

[Joey Diaz]

Okay, again, it's not fun. When I threw you to the wolves in Vegas and they sucked you in for 200 in a row. You know why I wasn't at the table with you? We weren't having fun. Listen, I'm gonna be honest with you. I hate losing. You know what I'm saying? I worked too much, too hard. I got a daughter that night. If I would've lost 200, I wouldn't have blinked tonight. It was good time. Sometimes you gotta lose to remind you that you're a fucking loser. You know? Sometimes you gotta do that sometimes think that you're good at blackjack. If that lady wouldn't have coached us, we wouldn't have won a dime.

[Lee Syatt]

That. Dude, the dealer is all of it. That's why you have to. You have to. You have to tip the dealer. And when the dealer is giving you shit, that's when it's going to be a good night. You have to find a cool dealer. To be honest with you, I wouldn't have gone to her because I'm a little bit racist. I want. I want like a black guy or a black lady are my favorite because they like, they're fun. They Have a good time. But this, this lady was really cool. She was cool. She'd tell you what to do. It's like the first time I've ever. You weren't nervous, but like, you were unsure of what really to do.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, I was unsure. I had no fucking idea.

[Lee Syatt]

And, oh, we just. We just kept winning and winning.

[Joey Diaz]

That was because some kid came up to me with $100 chip and I put it down. That's how that whole thing started. I wasn't gambling whatsoever. He begged me. He goes, I got a hundred dollar chip. I'd like to bet it for you. I go, all right, let's go. Let's go to. I was like, let's go to $50 tables. No, no, no, let's go to 100. Yeah. And we won. I. I was like, oh, yeah, we

[Lee Syatt]

shouldn't have got up from the $100

[Joey Diaz]

table one again or something.

[Lee Syatt]

We won like three or four hands in a row. And then when we got up, I

[Joey Diaz]

was like, oh, fuck. $100 table. I've never done that before in my life.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, it's amazing in my life.

[Joey Diaz]

That is. That is scary and painful that they're just going to take a whole hundred dollar bill from you. Like, fuck. Oh, you feel it.

[Lee Syatt]

And they usually give you something that you're supposed to double, so then you got to put another. Another hundred down.

[Joey Diaz]

And that's how I won. Yeah, that's how I won. I doubled on. Do you guys, like, split the aces? And then we were off and run. I gave the kid back his 100. Let's go to a fucking $50 table. And then that's 25. And we ran that bitch up. I was out till four in the morning. I left them at three. I just walked around and I. Fucking the blackjack table right by the hotel, right by the entry to our elevator. Yeah, our girlfriend was there. The old lady that was following us around all night.

[Lee Syatt]

It was a security guard that you got really pissed at.

[Joey Diaz]

You were not.

[Lee Syatt]

And it wasn't even her, but, like, she had the job of telling people they were doing construction and you were doing the thing. I did it yesterday at Duane Reade, but it was when you're walking away and you're still talking like 20 minutes later, you decided to give her a hug.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm like, how's your knee? I go, not too good. She made me walk that. But. But she was so sweet. So I went over that night on the way up, and I'm like, what are you doing here? You gonna wait for me at 6:30, just come up to the room. I was torturing her. She's like 68. And she's like, okay, 6:30. It was fucking great. But while I'm laying there, I go, look at this monster at the table. That was a broad, skinny as fuck, doing meth. Nice skin, okay face. The biggest titties you've ever seen. And every time she bet the blouse would go down. And she'd have to pick up her blouse. Cause the nipple was coming out. It was a party perfect. She's getting cocktails from the chick. I'm like, I gotta go fucking talk to this chick. I sat next to our one two hundred. I said, fuck this fucking chick. I went upstairs. Cause she was pulling out 20s and hundreds like they were nothing. Like they were wrinkled, like she had them in her asshole.

[Lee Syatt]

I was gonna say, was she pulling out her tits?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, they were. No, not on her tits. She had a big bag and it had dough in there.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, she must have been a stripper or something.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, she was a stripper. Well, she had tits like that. She couldn't have been a nun. Why? Tits like that and be a nun. That's a waste for Jesus. But. And this chick was banging. But once I see her doing meth. And I was like, ah.

[Lee Syatt]

You saw her doing it?

[Joey Diaz]

No, she was making faces like a penguin.

[Lee Syatt]

Jesus. You see a lot of up people in casino. I love casinos. I love. I love. Casino's really good when they have horse racing. And like the guys just walking around there, hammered, all yelling at the TVs. I love sitting in the horse racing section.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, it's really weird. One of my favorite spots as a kid was OTB on the other side of Washington Heights. When you got off the bus from Jersey, okay, it was right upstairs. And I don't know how many times I went up there just to put $2. Even if I didn't have it. Cause it wasn't about the $2. It was about the entertainment. The raw nature of the gambler is an amazing fucking story. Unless you see it or you've had my mother. That's as bad as it gets in the house. Two phones, two TVs on at the same time, running around. She had to bet the Met game. Let's go to the Met game. You know, that's degenerate shit.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, but the OTB, I've never. I've seen. I've driven by OTBs, and I've seen horses. I've been to horse races and I've seen it. At casinos. But OTBs are wild to me because it's just like wild. It's like the fourth wall.

[Joey Diaz]

Still alive.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, I just drove by one. I forget where it was. Maybe it was in Pennsylvania somewhere.

[Joey Diaz]

Really? Want to see a casino?

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You take yourself, you get on a nice plane and you go to fucking Eureka, California and go to the casino there. That's. That's where everybody comes in. In a wheelchair with oxygen masks.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Some black guy pushing him, he's losing on the machine. The black jelly 20. It is a Eureka casino. I think you have to do two weeks there. I did one.

[Lee Syatt]

You quit?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, after the first week. My mother died. I gotta go back to Jersey. My mother died. I can't do this. I gotta go back. Oh, really? I'm sorry. You know, the guy's like, my regards. Fuck you. Another week of this broke. Everybody that walked in there smoked four packs a day. Oh yeah, there wasn't one non smoker in there. If you went down there for breakfast, you're close. Fucking. You stood em up. When you came up and took a shower, it was just pure smoke. Everybody's dying. Everybody's got a fucking black card there. The doctor just gave him an ace of spades and said, do your thing. Oh my God. You got six weeks to live, motherfucker.

[Lee Syatt]

That's where I'd go.

[Joey Diaz]

Walk, suck, drink sperm, do what you need to do. And I'm telling you, Eureka was. And I went there in 1995. 96. I lived in Seattle and it was mind boggling.

[Lee Syatt]

I'm sure it hasn't changed at all.

[Joey Diaz]

Better than sotb?

[Lee Syatt]

A little bit better.

[Joey Diaz]

A little better. I heard a guy yelling like, fuck that midget. Oh yeah, on the Taurus they were yelling fucking. But this is 1995. You said midget, spic. Nobody even turned their heads. Now these pussies. You said trigger.

[Lee Syatt]

You're allowed to say whatever you want. Yeah, I smoked one cigarette in my life and I don't go to casinos that don't have cigarettes. I love the smell of a cigarette in a casino.

[Joey Diaz]

You need, oh, you hear Sinatra, you feel like you know what I'm saying? You feel it?

[Lee Syatt]

Oh my God. I. Dude, it's a good thing we don't live in a place with like a lot of casinos because I, I could spend every second in a casino.

[Joey Diaz]

And don't they have them in Brooklyn?

[Lee Syatt]

They have one in Harlem. They're opening one up right next to Citi Field. That's the one that just got approved. And they have one by the airport by jfk. They have Resorts World, but it's like really out there. There's one by City Field you'll be able to take the train to. And that's going to be a problem for me. No, no, not Westchester. Wherever. Wherever is that. Where is Citi Field in Westchester? Yeah, it's in Queens. It's right next to. It's going to be right. The guy who owns the Mets, like, is partnering with Hard Rock, where we just were. I. And. And people get angry, like, especially like, if you. Like in la. I went to Commerce Casino a bunch of times. LA has some creepy because. And people get mad at you.

[Joey Diaz]

Those Asians will kill you.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Don't go down there with those Asians. No.

[Lee Syatt]

And if like, it's their thing. When you guys would like stay on 15, I got like in. The dealer was like, you got. You can't. Yeah. The lesbian the next day was a little bit of not upset with us, but she wasn't cool. You can. You can do whatever you want, but if you don't play by the book with like the, like the. From China, like, oh, they'll fucking yell. They'll get up and leave the table and curse you in Chinese.

[Joey Diaz]

The Commerce Casino, bro. You could eat Chinese food from a cart as you play.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, it's the best.

[Joey Diaz]

They'll bring you kung pao. But not even the shit from the restaurants. They bring you the shit that those primitive Chinese people in Harlem with the hanging lizards and shit. Oh, think I'm fucking kidding you.

[Lee Syatt]

There's one.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm fucking kidding you. They don't fuck around. That's a different style of Chinese guy. Cause it's Chinese. Filipino. My mercy's godmother interviewed that kind of dough Panado. They offered it and her and her husband had. Are talking. We're gonna gracefully design, resign. I'm not even taking the job. Wow. Because it's all fucking Chinese. Oh, I. I bet it's heavy duty Chinese mob.

[Lee Syatt]

We were just talking about the Bicycle Casino one night. I forget if it was doing casino comedy yet or not, but I went through like, different phases of playing blackjack in la. One night I drove all the way down to the Bicycle Casino. I got to the parking lot. It was my like, second or third time there. A dude in a jacket said, no, it was an FBI jacket. Like, and it like, you can check it out in like 2017, 2018. It got raided for some sort of like, fraud and like, it. And like, they. They had opened A week later, they Don't. And there was one I went to in LA a lot over in Oxnard, which wasn't even a casino. It was just in. It was like, next to a car dealership and an RV dealership. They had poker and blackjack tables. That's it. I don't even think it was legal. Oh, I love that you're doing all these casinos. It's so much fun. There's nothing like, like. And that's why. Because black poker is. I hate it. Because everyone's grumpy. No one's. Because you're trying to beat each other.

[Joey Diaz]

Blackjack is quick, bro.

[Lee Syatt]

It's quick. We're all on the same team.

[Joey Diaz]

You don't lose me once, you get Monopoly, once, you're gonna start hitting the hotels. That's when I'm done. I want the three blue ones. That's it. And I could negotiate and you could rent, but once you're telling me to put hotels and stuff, that's where I get up and go. That's it. It's too long. It's too much of an investment here. I gotta sit here for eight hours to be Joe Marcos Senior and own the Skyline and shit? Get the fuck outta here. I got two minutes. And that's why I like blackjack. It's quick. I like roulette. Not roulette. The one armed swordsman. Cause it's quick. I only lost 40 bucks. I said that playing roulette. I'm gonna go over and play blackjack. I play blackjack on DraftKings.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, I've been. I did that today. I lost 100 bucks.

[Joey Diaz]

Got over the jersey. Oh.

[Lee Syatt]

All the time.

[Joey Diaz]

Is that before you took a shit in the bathroom?

[Lee Syatt]

I didn't take a shit today.

[Joey Diaz]

One of you is nasty motherfuckers. Took a shit? No. Oh, take a shit. When you gamble, you get all excited.

[Lee Syatt]

No, you can't. I get so super sad. I don't go to the bathroom when I gamble because every time I'll be doing great. And as soon as I take a piss and like, my. My hands touch my dick and it does. It's no good. It's bad luck. You can't piss. You can't. Oh, I get real superstitious. Do you have any, like, thing weird like that?

[Joey Diaz]

Unlike Chinese people standing behind me when I play? Yeah, anything. Anything. Chinese person stood behind me. I've lost it all and then some. Yeah, lost it all and I don't know what I'm doing. I'm not prejudiced. I love Chinese people. I love Becky I love. I eat that shit once a week, you know, I don't buy Chinese food from Spanish people. No, I buy it from Chinese people. So I like them.

[Lee Syatt]

I like Chinese people too, but that's. I don't. Chinese women dealers can't fuck around with them because they're too fast. You need someone who's not really that good at their job.

[Joey Diaz]

Where were we?

[Lee Syatt]

We were just somewhere and the dealer was a little bit retarded. Remember? It was like a kid's first day. It was like a chubbier version of me.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, that night we went to. Yeah. Fort Lauderdale.

[Lee Syatt]

Was it a Fort Lauderdale, Virginia or something?

[Joey Diaz]

Artistic plan. He came out there and we couldn't beat him because he knew numbers. 10 million autistic people.

[Lee Syatt]

He looked at the hand and he skipped the card. And then they had to read. It was like.

[Joey Diaz]

It was his first day. It was his first day.

[Lee Syatt]

That's where you can make money, is they make a little bit of a mistake.

[Joey Diaz]

But, dude.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, I have so. And like, people go to casinos to, like, get drunk and hook up. I've now, fuck that. I'll go down in sweatpants and a T shirt and.

[Joey Diaz]

You're a businessman. You ain't got time to fucking. Fucking. That's what I was telling you. But when you add excitement to it and your friends and doesn't matter if you lose 100 bucks, you're yelling with your people, the waitress coming over with water drinks. You know, you get a headache unless you go to the bar, and even then it's watered down. Those. Those casinos, they milk you to death. I did shoot two shots of tequila. Nothing happened.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, Jesus Christ.

[Joey Diaz]

Nothing. They hold the whole fucking thing. Everybody's. Everybody's licking lemons. Nothing. Two shots. I got more drunk off the Heineken for four minutes. Then the edible took over.

[Lee Syatt]

And yet you don't have anything to drink on these planes. You know me, I don't drink. As soon as we get on these planes and they have free alcohol, every drop, I have to have at least two drips.

[Joey Diaz]

I wish I could drink, because by the time we would have gotten to Tampa, we would have had to crawl in. Oh, yeah, because think about if I drank. All you gotta drink. I don't care if it's 10 in the morning or not. We're getting up. This is Bert Kreischer style. This is the highway to hell.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, I took tequila shots and we had. Oh, chicken cutlet sandwich. That's what it was.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, that was the worst. I hate chicken cutlets. Anymore. For months. Only George and my wife. And I'm trying to tell my wife not to cook them anymore either, because George is so good at the chicken cutlet world. But this shit at the store, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, go to a deli, these Italian places, they can't wait to put the mozzarella on there and the roasted red peppers and the balsamic and everything tastes good. But something just ain't right in that thing. You're like, I'm tasting somebody. Well, it's.

[Lee Syatt]

It's Purdue. Like, if you go to a bodega in the city, it's all the same. It's like the pre breaded, they don't make it there. It's like they buy it from their supplier.

[Joey Diaz]

How disgusting.

[Lee Syatt]

It's. Yeah. No, and that's. That's why Georgia's tastes good. If you can tell it's fresh.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't care if it's got steroids in it. The chicken.

[Lee Syatt]

No, they all have.

[Joey Diaz]

Keep eating chicken. So I grow a wing. I grow a wing. That's steroids. Nothing happens to you. But it's just crazy that, you know, part of my job that I really like, I mean, I'm a fat fuck, but part of my job that I really enjoy is that I get to go across the country and at least try one restaurant, you know? You have no idea what that means to me. I'm not going to show up at a coffee shop and go, oh, my God, we went to this cute little cafe in Rome. You know, it's not going to happen in my world. I want to see what America had to offer by me touring all those years, bro, I had some great fucking meals and places that, you know, if you go to Denver, you want a slice of pizza, you're done. No, you're done, bro. Why would you do that? Especially if you're from here. Let's go to Texas. Let's get a pizza pie. Ain't nothing in Texas either. This is it. And you try to be prejudiced and you try to be honest, you know, but this is it. This is as good as it gets. You're going to get some pizza on the road. That is so bad. And then the people from New Jersey look at me and go, this is so bad. Why'd you order it? Why'd you fucking order it? You knew. Look at the guy making. His name is Juan. He don't even have even been to Jersey or New York. So now you get what you fucking. You know, but, man, like, if you eat the shit from the region. Like the first time I went to Texas and an alligator, I felt so fucked. I bombed that night. But I didn't give a fuck because I did something different. Being from this area, we don't do shit. Everything's the same. Let's go to Florida. Let's go to Atlantic City. I love Florida. Florida's a fucking dump. You saw it. You saw half those people, what they look like. They're fucking. Their skin's gone. It's like an alligator. You know, they're like alligators. The women, tattoos, they're all chubby. The one that I swapped spit with at the bar was chubby with a little fucking frog on his stomach and shit. Oh, Jesus, I want to kiss you. I don't want to kiss you. But she was so nice. She gave me a pain fucking pill.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, gee, I missed that. I was up. Did he really?

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, fuck yeah. She called me all night long. Take a fucking Uber. I ain't taking a listen. I'm too old by the time I get there. I don't even have a dick that gets up anymore. Like I said on stage, I don't even jerk off no more because I'm scared to what's gonna come out. I'm 63. It could be blood, it could be fucking some purple shit.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

It could be clear when I do come. It's not like a gallon anymore. It's like. It's like for a thirsty midget, you know what I'm saying? Like, just. It's just enough to fucking quench his thirst.

[Lee Syatt]

His thirst?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, her thirst. I don't know.

[Lee Syatt]

No, it's okay. I'm the ones judging you here. Oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

She was a chubby little cute girl. She's like, let's make out it Okay, I swapped it with her.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, you had a shot of tequila? Yeah. No. Oh, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Blaming on tequila. Okay, I'm one of those. I had tequila. I had tequila. I knew exactly what I was doing. I even told my wife. She's like, what? I kissed her one time. She wanted to kiss me. What do you want from me? She's like, Jesus Christ, I'm 63. I could be dead tomorrow. I could wake up tomorrow morning and just die. So if I could make out with a little chubby chick one time in Florida, what the fuck? She didn't give me a sore throat. She was on a dick sucker.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, thank God.

[Joey Diaz]

Look at her. And the other girl she was with looked like a man. She was trying to Fuck, Mike. Ronnie. She had tits coming out of her shirt. She was the ugliest thing you ever saw in your life. She kept telling Mike, I'll take you up to the room now. And Mike's like, my wife is dead. You know what I'm saying? I ain't going nowhere. My wife died. I don't want nobody in my room. Did you see him? He left all pissed off, trying to suck my dick really loud. She had like eight guys surrounding her. And then they would have cocktails and see what she really looked like. Guy. But the chubby one was cute. She kept all.

[Lee Syatt]

She came with blue stuff on or something.

[Joey Diaz]

She had a fucking Madonna thing on.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh my God.

[Joey Diaz]

She had a little gut. And she had a tattoo of a snake or somewhere. It looked like

[Lee Syatt]

it used to be a frog, but it turned into a snake.

[Joey Diaz]

Whatever. But listen, man, Remember I used to do that stupid joke? I take that seriously. You know, every once in a while you get like a little ugly chick, she wants to give you a kiss. You're not going to tell her she's ugly. You're going to give her a kiss because you're a Christian, you understand? And Christ sees that type of stuff. He's like, you kiss the chubby girl. Joey, it could be considered a cheat, but not really. You didn't go home with her. Nothing happened. I just swapped spit with her one time. Did you see how happy she was? She wanted me to take her home and you know, she's done. But it was like, you know, I'm a man. I got.

[Lee Syatt]

You like making a person's day. You've always liked making a person's day.

[Joey Diaz]

I got nothing against making. Listen, if you want to cheat on your wife, that's your business. But if you bump into a blowjob, God wanted to make your day.

[Lee Syatt]

I've never in my life bumped into

[Joey Diaz]

a Stairs right here, some chickens on the bottom, going, ha, ha ha. Going to tell him I'm married? No, I'm going to take the blowjob and then say a prayer. Because Jesus wanted it in your path. If Jesus don't want it in your path, he won't put it there.

[Lee Syatt]

Dude, there was one time where I did, and it was years ago that I bumped into a blowjob. I didn't even realize it until. Until it was like hours later. I was at the. I wasn't even doing comedy. I went to the Stratosphere and it was right after I broke up in la and I went up, they have like the bar that overlooks all of Vegas and I went up and as I was leaving this like 40, 50 year old lady was like hammered, walking out with her friend and like, I want to suck a dick. And like. But I was like shocked and I couldn't. I had no. I like, I hope you have fun. Like it was not anything and. But I've never once bumped into a blowjob.

[Joey Diaz]

I feel very comfortable. I speak to a girl who's 25. I feel comfortable and safe. When I talk to a girl who's 35, I feel comfortable and safe. When I talk to a woman who's 42 and she's a single mom, I feel very comfortable and safe. But you don't know what life is. So you run into a 55 year old divorcee with nothing but pussy. Her kids are gone from the house and she's ready to suck dick. She don't care about aids. That's why these people in the homes, all those old people, the STDs are higher than ever. They're f cking for life now. It don't matter. I'm fucking you with a cigarette in my mouth. I'm fucking you with an asbestos suit on. You know the women I've had the hardest time with ever. Like, I talk, I talk. I went to cousins. I went to cousins. Not on a Thursday night. First time I went out in Central Jersey. I went to Osteria on a Thursday night with friends of mine from North Bergen. And I couldn't believe the amount of women and the size of them and the outfits they had on. No, this ain't funny.

[Lee Syatt]

I don't think you're talking about the height.

[Joey Diaz]

This ain't fucking funny. The restaurant was so good that I told my wife, let's go back next week. And some neighbors came with us. And that was also a Thursday night. And I'm sitting like the bar where we sit, where we ate. If you look at that side, there's a long table, two long tables. I was sitting in a four man table, but I'm looking at 12 Godzillas, all Italian, all with leopard suits on. Not one of them goes to yoga. Now one of them again, I'm not here to criticize nobody, but in my mental of criticizing I said, joey, you were raised by a mom who was buck wild, okay? How dare you think that way. There are women that divorced, they gave up two daughters already. They raised two kids or three boys. They went to softball games, they went to football games. The husband left for the fucking secretary. What are they going to do? Sit at home and eat meatballs. Fuck, no. They're gonna polish that pussy. They go to a place in Red bank where it does your pussy all over again. You think I'm lying to you? I've heard this from a woman at the gym. Vaginal rejuvenation, it's even better. It takes the old skin out. Sperm, you're a virgin. 48 hours, you're a virgin. The pussy's brand new. They all do it at 50. And how can I, you know? Listen, man.

[Lee Syatt]

Well, you can't get pregnant. Might as well.

[Joey Diaz]

There was a girl about a year ago that I know, she's older and she was hammered. There was a point where she had me against the wall this close at Osteria, and everybody was looking, and I was like, what the fuck? And she's like, I'm gonna leave in 10 minutes. Call me. And I'm like, lady, I would love to give you a stabbing, but I'll go to hell. That's number one. But, bro, when I went out a half hour later, she was still outside in her car waiting for me. I can't give her no dick. I'm gonna stick it in and it's gonna come in two minutes. Remember, I'm at a point now. It just comes. It doesn't even come. It just stops. We just look at each other. Everything all right? Yeah. I'm not going to assist. My wife has to deal with that because we've been married for 25 years. But you take a grown woman home and you give her three minutes a dick, you're going to be a laughingstock. You're going to be on every fucking riddle. What's that thing that people talk about? They see you taking a picture and they write about you. Rifle, rifle, whatever the fuck it is. But that. Listen, I do what you're talking. I gotta. I gotta. Where you go to talk about people, Everybody jumps in. Oh, Reddit, Reddit.

[Lee Syatt]

There we go.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. And you look at these women.

[Lee Syatt]

That would be fucked up, George, if

[Joey Diaz]

your mother was still alive today, she'd still be a fucking knockout wearing her boas. Am I lying, George? With her fifi hat with heels. Not given zero fucks. There's something about a woman I can't get mad at, but trying to be beautiful. We were sitting at the table. Tell George the kid's mother who came up to us from the fucking. He's number one, number three draft. Oh, yeah. In baseball.

[Lee Syatt]

He didn't even come.

[Joey Diaz]

She didn't come.

[Lee Syatt]

We didn't go up to her we didn't go. She came over to us and was like, hey, just so you know, grandson,

[Joey Diaz]

first run, my son.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, but, but Nana was,

[Joey Diaz]

She came and she was good looking. She had a baseball hat on, but she still had it. The grandmother had to be 65. Was she not dialed up to the nines? I can't get mad at you.

[Lee Syatt]

No, they're fighting.

[Joey Diaz]

I cannot get mad at you. There's a 65 year old man sitting there. I don't know. My wife died eight years ago. I don't know what to do. They're ready to give it up, those girls. There's no prerequisite. You got a heartbeat. They don't want to get remarried. Listen, they don't want to get remarried. They don't want to do nothing. They just want a companion and they want to fuck. And you know what? If you don't make the money, they do at that age. They got enough money from their ex husband. Oh, they're dangerous. Well, these women. Look at guys are looking. I saw what's his name the other day. He's a handsome, he's 64. Who's that? The bass player from Guns N Roses. Duff, with the blonde hair.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Picture with him and his wife. I'm like this guy, every two nights he's on the road playing running back and forth with fucking slash. That's 64. That means we're extending. At 64 you were like Archie Bunker. Every father in America was Archie Bunker.

[Lee Syatt]

That's crazy that he was like what, 40 during that show?

[Joey Diaz]

48 during that show. That's how bad we looked at 40 in the 70s. At 40 you had one foot in the grave. Yeah, I know. You know, Ms. Jalen Williams, whatever his name is, from the Boston Celtics, Jason Tatum. They meet an athlete that's come back from that injury in seven months. That's not because he's better than you, that's because he's got a million dollars of support on him. Oh yeah, they do the pap every day. Pdp, you got people stretching you, you got peptides, you got steroids, you got milk, you got water, you know, and the NBA gets the best.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, they have to. They're worth too much money.

[Joey Diaz]

Then what are we talking about? These women will take PT141. You know, it affects men, but it's also for women, for arousal. I told you motherfuckers. If you have a dad, he's single, he wants to sling dick. Don't listen, Viagra is great. It works together with like that Blue Chew has two things in it. The new one works together with that. Fuck. I can't believe we're talking about this on the air. But I want to school young kids because 40 year olds having ED problems now 35 year olds are having a deep problem.

[Lee Syatt]

I have a joke about. It's, It's. I'm telling you, it's weird when it starts.

[Joey Diaz]

It's very weird because in your 20s, when you're 55, well, there's a difference

[Lee Syatt]

between like dead dick and like. It's starting to like. You can see that that dick is in your future.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, the thing that my dick up was all those years of cocaine because you can't bring them back. Once it's over, it's over. It goes in the skin, only the, the turtleneck. Like my dick is like uncircumcised. So the wind flap would just hang out of the hole. The dick would go in like a turtle. You could see his hole going all the way in. Yeah, I mean, when you do coke and shit. But when I was 36, straight dick, I'd give you for 10 minutes without even looking to flip you over, smack you, pull your hair, make you play with your monkey and put my dick in your mouth and fucking. You know, all that, I was into all, that's what you're into. That's what you're into. So you have to have the fucking momentum, bro. I couldn't do a tenth of that when I was 50. A tenth of that, just with no help. With no help. I didn't start having problems. I was maybe 58, 59 after the move. You know, you stress, whatever. And I was, I was like, this is not good.

[Lee Syatt]

It doesn't happen often, but it's happened. It happened.

[Joey Diaz]

I had them, honest. And this is. I looked to help it. I'm not looking to fuck people. I'm not looking to sling dick. But the biggest fear. Remember the Sopranos? What's the biggest fear in life? But when they took that Jew and they threatened to cut off his dick because there's no man on earth that wants to be on this planet without a dick.

[Lee Syatt]

No.

[Joey Diaz]

Even if you don't get pussy, it's a nice option to hold your dick. Wait till you fucking take a bag out from the side and empty that with a chunk of shit. That'll remind you. It's kind of nice to hold your dick and see the piss flow out of it. And you know, even if you get a hard on just to bang one out and you get all dizzy and shit, that's fine.

[Lee Syatt]

I still get yelled at sometimes and I don't even mean to. If I'm sitting at home watching TV in like gym shorts, my hand goes in there. I'm not jerking off.

[Joey Diaz]

No, me too. I'm scratching walls.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Sniffing fingers. You know what I'm saying? It's going deep in the nutsack. See what needs work. Maybe I got to put some more soap under this crease. You know what? I'm saying something. But you know, this is things that it's happening to younger people now. Dude.

[Lee Syatt]

It happened to me in my 20s, like, even before, like right as I met you. And it was like a heaviness thing. It also was a mental thing, I think. And. But I will say this. There have been a couple of times where like, I think my. My dick knew that I wasn't supposed to be with that person. Like, there were a couple women that even. I'm like, it had been a while and I was like, okay, I'll do it. And I'm not saying I was not good looking at all either, but there a couple of times I think my dick was trying to save me.

[Joey Diaz]

I think there's a chick on Instagram, a black chicken that is hilarious. She comes on. There she goes, married. Guys, guys with relationships. Are you suffering from ad? This discomfort, this. You need a new woman. You need a new piece of ass. Because that's how you try. If your dick is dying, just go to a regular ratty strip club. And if those chicks can't get the party started, which I don't want them to touch me anyway. But if you go to a strip club to try out what I'm telling you, the story I'm christen is glory. No more rock.

[Lee Syatt]

Anyway, I actually, in the last couple weeks, I made like a decision and I hate it. But it's changed. Like, my dick has never been better because. No, it's not because of that. Well, I'm done jerking off.

[Joey Diaz]

Very good.

[Lee Syatt]

You can't. I did it, dude. I used. There were times where I would do it off.

[Joey Diaz]

And porn destroy you. Yeah. Especially if you want longevity, a better nut. Now they're talking about the damages of porn now. I never watch porn. In fact, Sergio Ortega sent me the Hells and Angels book, the one by the famous writer last week. But I thought the book, you know, it was a paperback. Everything in the, in the seventies sixties was a paperback. I get the package, it's fucking huge. I open it up. Sergio dumped three playboys from the 70s on me.

[Lee Syatt]

He's the guy who had Felicia's Playboy, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

He's great, bro. He's been on the church.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Since the beginning, 2010. He's been with us. Great kid, great family. He sends me these porns. I hit him back. I go, you jerk off any things yet? He goes, no. I bought him at a yard sale. I go, jesus Christ. I opened it up, dog, and I almost got pregnant. There was dust in there. It was that base sperm. I almost got feeling my stomach, my titties. But those tits from the fucking 70s. Women are completely different than those Playboys. But my point was that beside that Playboy, Hollywood, Henderson. I have. I've never had that. I don't. I always feel shitty when I have to masturbate. The only time it feels good is when you call a freak and it's gonna cost you money. And she's on her way and you bang one out. You have to call her back. Listen, I'm going to sleep. I'll save the coke for myself.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

And I know we've all done that at one time or another. The bitch is playing with you. I'm at Gennaros. We're leaving now, all right? You got home putting cologne on your nuts and shit. Where are you? We're leaving Hoboken now, All right? All of a sudden you're like, fuck this. You're like, fuck this. And you bang one out. Unless you say, I'm close, forget it. Go on a bed, click, it's over.

[Lee Syatt]

I'm surprised you just didn't.

[Joey Diaz]

Like, I used to do all that craziness, right? But somewhere along the line from when I moved here one night, it was very shocking. I was, like, in shock. Like, I was embarrassed. Like, it was. Oh. And I went online and started looking. I was like, wait a second. I do too much legwork. I do too much strength work to not have. I saw when I started deadlifting when I was 49, the dick I was inflicting, because the squats and the flicking

[Lee Syatt]

is quite a dog.

[Joey Diaz]

The dick you inflict when you two listen, when you do those. What do you call those? Deadlifts?

[Lee Syatt]

Deadlifts?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. The dick you inflict. Because that thing destroys everything. When you do deadlifts, your central nervous system gets it. It's fucking. You could see it when you have a whoop. Do four sets of deadlifts with £120 and come eight of them and come see. It's nothing, right? Weighs nothing. 120 pounds. No.

[Lee Syatt]

I remember from when I was Doing kettlebells with Irish.

[Joey Diaz]

But you just do eight of those times four and get back to me. You will need a nap. In the middle of that nap, you will get a hard on that Houdini couldn't fucking pop out of the grave. In the middle of that nap, you're gonna get woken up and your dick is gonna be so hard it's gonna hurt with veins in it that you can't even jerk off. Be like, jesus, what is this? It's those fucking deadlifts. That's what it is. Yeah, you cannot put that shit together. So I went back to, you know, and I started looking at Viagra and all that stuff. Somebody gave me 100% Viagra from a pharmacy. That shit don't work. No, pop 200, my heart's gonna blow up. So I was dropping 150 like nothing. And I eat like two blue chews on the side. Oh, Jesus. Yeah. Cause I pop blue chews, the minty ones. They're delicious.

[Lee Syatt]

Do you take. They are actually really good. But do you ever take. Dude, at my age, I take a blue chew and it's like, let's have fun.

[Joey Diaz]

It's 25 minutes. It's 20. It's only 25 milligrams, but it's 15 minutes.

[Lee Syatt]

No, it lasts.

[Joey Diaz]

You eat four or five of those motherfuckers. She's passed out and I'm still.

[Lee Syatt]

You're passed out. Four or five. Dude, if I take one, it lasts me 72 hours.

[Joey Diaz]

If what?

[Lee Syatt]

If I eat one blue chew, it lasts like, it's like it's 20 year old dick for like 72 hours.

[Joey Diaz]

You add that with pt 141. For anybody who needs pt 141, look what it does to you. There's another sexual1, but PT141 has been around since 1970. If you need it and you live down by me, go to ultimate nutrition and ask for my brother Justin. He'll hook you up. You'll be having hard ons at cousins. You'll be hitting people in the face. You know what I'm saying? You ever walk up to a bitch and go, you want to dance? No. Bah. Just hit it with your dick right in her fucking eye. See what happens then. How you like me now? I'm 63 with a PT141 dick.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh my God.

[Joey Diaz]

You know what I'm saying? When my dick gets hard, it says 141 on the side. Airlines.

[Lee Syatt]

I love how into these peptides you are. Like, you start telling people about the I gotta.

[Joey Diaz]

Because why would I be greedy and save for myself? And then one day I died of a hard on. That's bad karma. So I'd rather spread the love. I want everybody in Jersey to get fucking tremendous hard on. Say this summer in Belmar, you shoot that one PT41.

[Lee Syatt]

You shoot it in your dick?

[Joey Diaz]

No, you shoot it in your stomach three or four hours. But it's better for the next morning. So if you shoot it at night, when that bitch wakes up to dick, it's going to be horror. You're just going to wake her up. Hello. Well, how do you feel this morning? Wait one second. And they just bust from the dick you give them. And that ain't coming. It's just a straight up helmet. That thing don't come. They come. And then you got to take a breather and watch them recoup and shit. Oh, that was tremendous. Let's take a breather right now. It's getting too deep in here. We'll be right back. What's happening? Beautiful people? Uncle Joey here for Masa chips. Listen, if you feel bad, it's because you're eating garbage. Plain and simple. I was there for years. Grab some Masa chips and thank me later. Masa chips taste Amazing. Only three ingredients. You ready? The corn, the sea salt and 100% grass fed beef tallow. That is it. Because masa strips are made with real ingredients, you feel fuller, longer and you won't keep snacking all day. My favorites are the blue corn, but it comes in six other flavors. Lime churro. Listen, like I said, the blue corn chips are a little salsa at night after a couple toots. Roots brand new Tip top Magoo. So once you try not masa. Check out the assistant company Vandy Crips and pick Vandy Crisps and pick up some three ingredient potato chips. That's right, three ingredient potato chips. Now you, you ready to give Master Chips a try? It's this simple. Go to masterchips.com joey and use code JOEY for 25% off your first daughter. Who's better than you? Nobody. You can also click in the link in the video description or scan the QR code to claim this delicious offer. Enjoy. Masa chips. Ah ah ah ah ah. Hey, Uncle Joey here, I gotta ask you a question. You wanna get high? Get in the cloud. In the Cloud is a fully legal online distribute dispensary. Check out their flower gummies Vapes pre rolls and check out those edibles. Skip the hangovers and unwind with in the Cloud's New zero sugar, zero calorie THC sodas. They are tremendous. All in the Cloud products are federal legal thc. Everything sold is DEA certified, lab tested and shipped directly to you. Unwind your way within the cloud. No stores to go to, no nothing. You're in your house. It comes to your house. Or if you're 21 or older, visit InTheCloud Co and use code CHURCH for 35% off all month long. That's right. If you're 21, I'm gonna give you 35% off all month long. That's InTheCloud co. CodeCodeChurch for 35% shipped directly to your door. You don't need to go nowhere. The Chinese guy comes over to deliver pork ribs later. Who's better than you? Nobody. Enjoy in the Cloud responsibly. And I want to thank in the Cloud for sponsoring the show. Thank you. Have a good week. In the Cloud. The Vampire. The Vampido. We're back, Jack. Anyway, I forgot all about it when we were in Tampa. One of my 8th grade teachers came to the fucking show, okay? He was 80. I haven't seen him. And he didn't act 80. He did not act 80 either. He had to be if I'm 63. He couldn't have been 17 when I was born. Yeah, maybe he was 80. And he looked great. He was sharp. You know, I've been telling everybody about this dude for years. People are like, what the fuck are you talking about? He was a mayor in Weehawken, and he was the eighth grade teacher. And then some point in the eighth grade, he got arrested and charged with all this shit. And I lost contact with him. But after all the doodling and the shit, I came home. Maybe in 91, I was a little bit more cleared. I had done my time. I had had a daughter. And I asked somebody in North Bergen, like, what's going on, Wally? Lindsay? Like, he's out of jail. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Go get me his number. Nobody had his number. Your grandfather. Nobody had his fucking number. And then one day somebody texted me. They go, we got you his number. And I called him as I was going from North Bergen into Fairview on Kennedy Boulevard, whatever that is right there. And I called him right from that light. When I got the number, I was like, I'm gonna call this motherfucker right now. And when I called him, I think he was at a law office. And he answered the phone and he was very, Oooh, Coco, motherfucker. Eighth grade Turk. Jordan, you know, and he's like, oh, I can hear him go outside. And he was like, how you doing? I'm really in shock about you calling me. What's the problem? Ain't no problem, man. You were a great teacher to me. You were great. Well, I can't call you. He didn't know nothing about comedy. He heard I did time.

[Lee Syatt]

Well, do you mean 91 or 2001?

[Joey Diaz]

91. 93, maybe.

[Lee Syatt]

You just must have just started comedy. I think he started coming.

[Joey Diaz]

No, it was a little later. You're right. It was like 2000. I came back and I called him, and he did not know I got into comedy. And how you doing? I didn't say nothing. I was like, I'm just a regular comedian, blah, blah, blah, blah, you know? And then I kept in touch with him, like, every three years, something would happen. He'd call me or I call him. And then once I came here, I go, now, I could turn this motherfucker on with him, you know, it's because you.

[Lee Syatt]

I would never. The way you guys were interacting. I thought you saw him every time he went down there.

[Joey Diaz]

Like I said, you know, we had Barona on here a couple of weeks ago talking about my daughter in her school and how the teachers that. That. That doesn't exist no more. What I had from that guy doesn't exist anymore. They're the type of teachers that they knew if your mom beat your dad, they knew if your dad was an alcoholic. They knew if you didn't want to go home to your family, that's who you went to. You didn't go to your fucking guidance counselor. You went to your 8th grade teacher, 7th grade teacher. These guys knew everything about you. It wasn't just, whip out your books today, you know, that shit wouldn't have worked in Northburg. It wouldn't have fucking worked. And the people that tried doing that shit got shipped out, or somebody beat them up and, you know, that's it. Teachers got beat up in harvest mann all the time. When I was young, people would get beat the shit out of in Lincoln. Those Lincoln dudes, you couldn't look at them wrong. You could not look at them wrong. Franklin had his problems, McKinley. I saw a couple people hit teachers and shit like that. But, dog, I saw Louis Zaldabar clock Leo Gatoni in the head. Almost knocked him out in the basement.

[Lee Syatt]

Those are both students.

[Joey Diaz]

He just went up to him and said, you got to go to the office. Boom. He came to the show and fought Lauderdale. I called him the Russian. That's the. Remember I said to him, I go tell him how you punch Mr. Kingle in the head in the seventh grade and almost knocked him out. Who punches a teacher in the head? But regardless of that world, they were your friend. You could pull them at the way out, they would tell you something to you. Dog, come here. What's going on? You've been getting 80s all year now you drop 260s. Help me sit down. Close the door. What's going on? What's going on at home? You need money for groceries? It was a different animal, you know, it was a different. Coaches drove you home from CYO Basketball. One in the morning, they're driving eight kids home. Make a right, make a left. Coach, you know they drove you to your fucking mother's door. I still remember the coach driving me one night. He didn't play me. He didn't play me. And he had to sit with me now. And I would usually start on this team, but he didn't play me. St. Michael's I remember him and I in the bottom, him telling me why he didn't start me for that game. People don't do that today. Cause your parents go down there, come. My little Timmy's not starting. Well, he can't dribble a fucking ball. You know, he can't jump. I gave him a. He can't fight. He's like that dude in Full Metal Jacket. He can't do nothing.

[Lee Syatt]

Private pile.

[Joey Diaz]

Private pile. He can't do nothing. You know what? What? You know they talk to you, man,

[Lee Syatt]

and I don't know about you.

[Joey Diaz]

You didn't get an F, right? They pushed you. They would even say, are you that fucking stupid? These kids today would melt. But they would ask you, are you that fucking stupid you want me to put you in a radio reading? And then they pull you aside later and go, hey, about before, I'm sorry. Cause a bigger man, bigger mistake. You apologize. He said, I'm sorry. But, bro, what's going on with you? I know you could do better than this. I know you're out there on Sundays with Vinnie fucking knowing all the fucking signals and shit. How do you not know? Fucking a paragraph? Come on, man. And that pushes you a little bit. Okay, you see, I got something. You just told me. I got something. I'm gonna try.

[Lee Syatt]

And I don't know about you. I had a lot of great female teachers. And I'm not saying anything against female teachers, but I had a couple. One specifically, my fourth grade teacher was like an older dude, and I thought he was a cool As a guy. I don't know. As a. As a guy, I connected with them a little on a different level. Again, some of the best. I'm not saying anything against the female teachers, but there's not a lot of men teachers anymore, I don't think. At least not where I grew up.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't know what's going on then, but I was fortunate enough to be around. Listen, not every teacher's gonna be good. For every great teacher that I had, Mr. Terranova, Mr. Barone, Mr. Levito, Mr. Fucking, you know, you had these teachers that stuck out on your mind that after you. When you're 25, you wanna walk back to the high school and go, hey, man, I took that class because you told me to take it. What teacher doesn't want to hear that? What coach doesn't want to hear that? I did this because of you? Seven years ago. Thank you. Yeah. That guy knows it's a cycle now. I'm onto something. I'm on. Do you ever hear about Mr. Lee? He lived next door to your grandpa. Listen to me. The biggest fucking hard on you ever met in your life, crew cut and everything. Kids had crew cuts. One of those families. Okay, he was something, but he was an asshole. And one day I robbed the case of beer and I put it in my locker, and he came and he goes. I'm hoping. I go, you open it, I'm gonna have a fucking problem. I disrespected him in the worst way ever. Mr. Lee was not a bad guy. He was just serious. Joe, you got beer in there? We can't have this. I got beer in here or not? None of your fucking business. Get a warrant.

[Lee Syatt]

Get a warrant.

[Joey Diaz]

And he never spoke to me again. And I did a robbery and I slipped my hand open. I was broke, walking around North Berry. I go, let me go see Uncle Vinny. Or Mike. I would go into high school. When you're a loser, where do you go? You go to high school and see your old teacher. Hey, how you doing? You still got your MB Bruin jacket on. You know, your little. I won the Eagles championship in 73. Yeah, like, you know. But you still go up there. I would see kids up there all the time, and I had this bandage on my hand, and I went down to the training room and Mr. Lee was walking by. This is six years after our altercation. He wasn't. I wasn't even in high school no more. And something made him go, what's wrong with your hand? I cut it last night. And he goes, Let me take a look. Like, it's still bleeding, you know? He went into the fucking room where the kids would tape you and put heat on your balls and all that shit. When you didn't make the right defensive play in football, like, if you didn't make the right defensive playing football, they would pick you up at 77. And before that, we were scared to go to high school. They would pick you up, put you in the fucking men's training room, duck you up with tape, tape you to the table, and put fucking red hot on your balls and shit. Leave you in there, lock the light

[Lee Syatt]

and shit for one bad play.

[Joey Diaz]

Welcome to North Bergen.

[Lee Syatt]

Jesus Christ.

[Joey Diaz]

And it wasn't the coach. It was the other players. They were like, no, that can't. That can't happen again.

[Lee Syatt]

I don't know why the Ben Gay had to go in the balls, because

[Joey Diaz]

that's part of it. You remember not to fucking make that play again. Somebody puts Ben Gaye on your balls and tells you to pay the rent on the 1st every month. You'll have it there on the 31st. You know what I'm saying? So.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

He asked me. It was just me and him. And for like, six minutes, he didn't say a word. He just took the bandage off, looked at my hand, and he goes, move your fingers. I move my fingers. This one could move. And he goes, about a month ago, somebody was asking me if I ever had to treat somebody I didn't like. I had to think about that, and today I got the answer. You walked in here, and he was talking to me like a doctor, but telling me how much he hated me at the same time, which is fucking brilliant. And after a while, I said, hey, Mr. Lee, why don't we put this behind us? This behind this. I was a fucking kid, okay? It was 1978. I was a fucking kid. My mother had just died. Who knows why we had this argument, but I'm very sorry. He gave me his number. We went out to hash rays that day. We left the gym, went to hash Ray's, had, like, a gladiatory lunch. And for a year, I called him. He lived right next to you. And I would tell your grandpa, guess who's talking to me, Mr. Lee. And he'd go, I heard, like everybody was in shock that Mr. Lee was talking to me. I called him for about a year and a half. Then he died. He died, but he was a good guy. And even that, six years a teacher, that's not a lesson you learn in a book. And that's the lessons we were learning early on that my daughter will never learn from her teachers.

[Lee Syatt]

You don't think she has a.

[Joey Diaz]

She's got two teachers. She told me the other day, my daughter's on a fucking different level. She looked me and my wife in the face the other day, and she goes, you know what people ask me all the time? The best white rice is Cuban white rice. I go, what are you talking about? She goes, cuban white rice is better than any other white rice I've ever had in my life. She asked my wife. My wife goes, I don't feel that way. She asked me. I go, I'm Cuban. I don't fucking feel that way. She goes, no, no, no. The Cubans make the rice a little different. Better than Chinese, better than moms, better than everybody. And she goes, dad's wine. When you tell me to take me up there, I take the ride with you. So she's got a teacher that's a Puerto Rican. She was telling me all about a Friday night at dinner. She goes, dad, I talked to my teacher, the Puerto Rican one, and I asked her, isn't Cuban rice better than Puerto Rican rice? And she's like, yeah, it is. And Mercy's like, but you gotta go up north for it. And the lady's like, yeah,

[Lee Syatt]

that's amazing.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't know why I told you that story, but.

[Lee Syatt]

Because she has a connection with a teacher.

[Joey Diaz]

And then there's another teacher, a music teacher. And Mercy tells her the band. She listens to it, and she's like, mercy, I can't believe you listened to that. I can't. You know, so at least. But everybody else, like, she had a teacher that was giving her Ds. Some other teacher that won't talk to her, you know, it's not like when we left high school, we went home with a storied dog. Did you hear what happened at third period? Oh, my God. Spanish guy stepped on Mr. T's shoes, and he told him to get the spic hoop Dee Doos off his foot, you know? And you fucking remembered that shit. You would never cut that teacher. That teacher never got cut. Nobody had the audacity to cut him. Because it was 45 minutes. It was 43 minutes of straight fucking laughter. You walked in, you sat down. He went in the mirror, opened it, and he would comb his eyebrows and then go. And start with that. And then you sit down and go. Attendance, Nikki. Ask Elise. Boom Boom. Nicky, get up. Where'd you get those shoes from Spider Man? And he just. Lee, get up. You're still Jewish today. Sit down. You know, he would just go through.

[Lee Syatt]

He just grossed the entire list.

[Joey Diaz]

He would just go through the whole class. Hey, look at you. Where'd you get that haircut? Looking good. Don't come into class tomorrow if you have that haircut. You know, Put on white socks. That was his. He hated colored socks, too. Put on white socks.

[Lee Syatt]

It's a great way to get your attention.

[Joey Diaz]

And then there was a chick that had big feet. Her name was Hahuba. No, that's not the only Arab. She was the only Arab in North. That was her and a couple Indian girls. One of the Indian girls, they fucked her on Country Day. And there was never whatever anymore. North Bergen High used to have a day on a Thursday. No school. You went behind the high school. They had games, food trucks. Not food trucks. But, you know, and you went back there, it was called Field Day. And the reason why Field Day was canceled because Dickie Thomas got caught fucking a little Hindu girl in the boy's bathroom right in front of the principal's teeth. Right there. The principal's office right there. There's two bathrooms right there. So they canceled that, you know, but everybody.

[Lee Syatt]

Right in the bathroom, huh? In the bathroom.

[Joey Diaz]

Well, where are you gonna take it? To the four star for four seasons?

[Lee Syatt]

I don't know.

[Joey Diaz]

You're fucking 16. You barely got a dollar from your father to eat lunch. Where are you gonna take it? You take it to the bathroom behind the church. Your mother has an extra car. What are you fucking those days when you're 13, 14, 15.

[Lee Syatt]

I have no idea.

[Joey Diaz]

Okay, then. Me neither. Like, I was having orgies every fucking day, you know? But it's. It's such a different world. And I'm very grateful because I could tell you a bunch of shit. I could tell you all the bullshit you guys want to hear, but it was all these little teachers that believed in me at the end and a couple people from Nutbergen that when I would get down, it would push me through. I had a guy from the project. I had a guy from North Bergen Project. You know who it is? Fucking sanitation worker in North Bergen. And he went out of his way one night to call me and say, hey, man, I got your number from a friend of mine. I just want to tell you I was watching Cold Case tonight. You got it, kid. I'm like, what are you talking about? You're a fucking DPW Working from North Bergen. And he's like, brother, you got it. I'm really Proud of you. Very bad. He just said some things. I was like, that's a dude from the projects, bro. That dude never had a dime. He worked hard all his life. I remember that dude. Today I talked to his daughters because of what he said to me, I take out of nowhere. Yeah, I knew him for years, but he never said that to me. He never saw me in action.

[Lee Syatt]

That's awesome.

[Joey Diaz]

So when he saw it, he just put the TV on on a Sunday night and saw it. And the next day he was on the phone with me. That meant more to me. I was a horrible actor. But just as somebody noticed me that I grew up with and said, hey, man, you're on the right path.

[Lee Syatt]

Especially after people were talking shit about you for bad stuff.

[Joey Diaz]

Till today, I tight with his daughters, who are my nieces, because of what that man said to me. That's the type of. I'm old school, dog. I'm not gonna fucking. I don't wanna hang out. You know, you got your people, they take care of you, you take care of them. But those are the people that got me through, man. His grandfather. I didn't want to keep coming back here being a loser. Remember, I told his grandfather once, he goes, where you going this week? Buffalo. That's the asshole of the world, you know? And I'm like, fuck, Mr. A. He had. He had a fucking compliment for any date I had. Because they were all. That's where you start in hell, you know, Schenectady and fucking Poughkeepsie. And he's like, poughkeepsie, you're never gonna make it to Broadway.

[Lee Syatt]

You're reading off my tour list, by the way,

[Joey Diaz]

Lee, that was everybody's tallest at one time.

[Lee Syatt]

And I love it. I'm not complaining a bit, but it's just funny. All the cities remember, like, I did that last year. I did that a week ago.

[Joey Diaz]

Poughkeepsie was the all time worst weekend in the country. Am I lying to you? I think George had to bring me fucking food one day. Oh, it's good now, dog, listen. But yeah, it was a hotel and a gas station. I didn't have, like New Age, no coconut water. It was potato chips, chip and those frozen burritos. And they put you in the basement, which was very nice if you were doing coke. The windows are up here. You'd have to jump up and look out the window, but it was cold down there. And then you walk out. Because they would only book slugs like me in January or February, you know, what are you doing fucking Gypsy in January or February. You walk out, you look reasonable, you go to the gas station, get a bag of Doritos, and that's breakfast. There's a place called a Tornado Lounge in It's called something. You have Seattle and then you have the west side of Washington, and they call it the Three Cities or something. It's one city in Oregon and two cities. It's one of them where Idaho State was, where they called it back. Nah, nah, nah, nah. It's not even that deep, but. But they call it the Tri Cities, okay? It's called. I forget the name of the thing. And bro, when you looked it up in the back of comedy magazines, it was real room, okay? And it booked Thursday, Friday, Saturday. And you had to drive from Seattle about three hours. And fucking. The first time I went, dog, that hotel, they gave you 30% off. You didn't even want 30% off. The food was so bad. The hamburger smelled like feet. The first time I went hysterical and I didn't have a car. I had to, like, eat cereal and shit from the thing. It was horrible. The second time I went, the food was horrible also. But I met a chick that had a thousand of those things on her back. Tattoos? No, those fucking things that come out of you. I have one on my stomach.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, hernia.

[Joey Diaz]

No, the fucking.

[Lee Syatt]

What? A belly button. What are you talking about?

[Joey Diaz]

You're going to have 30 hernias on a back. Oh, Lee, you're a fucking character. You know, assist. What do you have tags?

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, skin tag. Jesus Christ.

[Joey Diaz]

This girl was beautiful. Came up to me, we talked, blah, blah, blah, blah. First night she was there with a girlfriend. I'm here all weekend, we're going to tour the Tri Cities. She was from some part of Idaho, but she was smoking.

[Lee Syatt]

What? Skin tags.

[Joey Diaz]

Though I didn't know this at first. I didn't know this till I made out with her and I touched and it was like a thousand bugs on her back. And I was like, what the fuck is that? And listen to me.

[Lee Syatt]

How did you not see her back?

[Joey Diaz]

I swapped spit with her immediately.

[Lee Syatt]

You didn't see her back once.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, I swapped spit with her over the weekend. This is 1990. This is the summer. I'm leaving for LA in January and this has to be like November. So I meet her, we start talking, we exchanged numbers, we swap spit. And then I went back to Seattle. She went back to her hall town. And then I was talking to him when I go, I'm going to San Francisco to do the punchline open mic. I'm gonna drive down one of my friends, but he canceled as we were talking. And she called me back. She goes, are you gonna. Still gonna go? Are you gonna come meet me? I go, well, I can't go because my car's fucked up. And my buddy can't go because his wife. And she goes, how about I drive you to. That's how this happened. So I just made out with her. Now we're in the car, we drive six hours, we're having a great time, we go eat dinner, and all of a sudden we go back to the room, we start making out. Her shirt comes off, and it's a thousand fucking tags on the back door. Listen, I'm no tip top Magoo type of motherfucker, but it was like bugs were all over her back.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

And they were getting stuck on my fingers and shit. I'm like, no. And she was hot.

[Lee Syatt]

And you kept going, huh? You kept going.

[Joey Diaz]

The first night, I had to do what I had to do, you know what I'm saying? It's like a chick with a mustache. You got to do what you gotta do. You know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syatt]

Was she paying for the room?

[Joey Diaz]

No, I paid through the room, okay? And once I saw the bug, like, once the bugs hit me and shit, I stayed away. When I picked her up, she had a couple on her ass. And that was it for me because I want to. If I spank that ass, one of those mushrooms going to blow up and I'm going to have a thousand fucking tags all over me, on my face, my nose. And I remember for three, it was a week long trip. We did like eight different rooms. And like by night three, she's like. She was telling me that she sucked dick. Like, I really enjoy it. And all this because I'm like, that's great, but I'm gonna feel your head and you're gonna have a tag on your head and I'm gonna lose it. So.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, my God, what possessed you? How long have you known her?

[Joey Diaz]

Sweet, Very sweet. I got a long gray with a. The tags bothered me. And then I moved to Los Angeles and we spoke a few times, and she's like, I'm coming to LA to visit you. I go, you better bring a double bathing suit because everybody's got their back exposed here. Those fucking dots, they'll blow up in the sun. You know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

Fucking.

[Lee Syatt]

I can't even imagine what that would look like.

[Joey Diaz]

Lee. And I tell people all the Time. The life of comedy men is a trip inside a trip. And when you realize that, when you forget about cameras and TVs and you just go on these road trips and places where nobody's gonna watch you, you just meet interesting people. God just puts these people and you can write material about them. Like, I've never told that story. No, I've been kidding. I just remember that story like that. Something Becky said to me one night. You have so many stories. I go, it's comedy Becky. It's not my life. Yeah, it's the shit that I put. You know when you get in the car and you end up in Kansas City? What the fuck do you know from Kansas City? You're from Jersey. You're from Hudson County. You know how to throw rocks into the ocean and mug people. You don't know about Kansas City. Or corn or grits or not. You don't know nothing. You know nothing. It's not till you meet different people and you kind of wake up with different women. You know, you wake up, dog. I woke up with a girl that was taller and I was hotter than fucking. And she was shooting heroin in the toes. You know, what do you want me to do? I ate a monkey. We fucked a little bit with no condom. I don't know what I got, but if I got it, fuck it. I left it in Idaho, you know what I'm saying? I left it in Montana. Yeah, you gonna wear a condom on the road? Give me that dirty pussy and shit.

[Lee Syatt]

She was mid shooting up. As you woke up. Like, you opened your eyes.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen to me, Listen to me. It's the first night of a triple run. I got an eight week run in a row. Yeah, I'm doing eight weeks in a row in a car with a shit. With a chick.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, God.

[Joey Diaz]

With the crazy redhead, okay? She's drinking. I don't know what they're doing. I'm like, listen, don't worry about none. Let me just drive. I'm putting cigarettes on. I look around, her clothes are back. They got a thousand cigarettes. She kept telling me, how come I'm losing blouses, dog. This, even this. You don't see this on the TV show. I just kept smoking. And I would throw the cigarette.

[Lee Syatt]

Why would you throw it out?

[Joey Diaz]

She's passed out. And I'm like, it smells like fire. It is like a week later, she's like, I don't know where my blouses are. Did you see them? Why would I touch your fucking blouses? My cross dresser. And the first night we Left from Houston, drove all the way to Montana.

[Lee Syatt]

Damn.

[Joey Diaz]

Montana, Oregon. It was a couple of those. And the first night, we go to the fucking. This Montana room. Now, you and I and George, I'm telling you from my heart, I expected to do a room and go back to my. Do the show and go back to my room, maybe have a beer with Jody or a shot at Tawaka or whatever the fuck she was drinking that night. And that was my night. Now I get to this club and this girl is gorgeous. She's the owner's daughter, five' eleven, five' twelve, six feet, blonde, big, beautiful, with a miniskirt on and cowboy boots. That girl comes up to me and she goes, listen, while you're here, if you need anything, I mean anything, I got you covered. Okay? So when the feature was up, I went over to her. I go, let me talk to you. What can you get? And she goes, what do you need? Go for starter, some weed. She goes, I get that. I'll have it here in 10 minutes. And I was embarrassed to ask her about the coke. And I go, fuck it, can you get some coke? She goes, I could get you some dynamite coke, an eight ball. And before I turn, she goes, I could also get you a $50 bag of heroin. So, like, baby's bad. All right, I'll see you after the show. I gave her money for the eight ball and I gave her money for weed. And she goes, I'll meet you back in your room. Are you staying at this hotel? And I go, joey, Jody's there too, next door, you know. So yeah, dog, Jody's next door. This girl's coming over. I'm not thinking. I see the girl, she's 20 years younger than me. Nothing's going to happen. I didn't know she shot Aaron. She came back to the room and I go, let's go next door to Jody's. So I felt better with her. And at Jody's, we took out the coke and started snorting. She goes, you guys mind if I pop a rig out? No, go ahead. So she was over there shooting heroin. I gave her a little bit of coke. Me and Jody were snorting, giggling, talking. An hour and a half later, well, you gotta get up at 6 in the morning. She leaves. I give Jody a kiss. I go to my room, lock the door. Within 20 minutes, the phone rings in my room. You still got coke left? I'm coming back. Come back. She called the hotel back then. I said, come back. It was like 2:30, dog. There was no sleep. We did the heroin, the coke. She brought back, like a case of beers. In the morning, she looked like a mile. I couldn't even tell she was doing H. I just got in the car and left. Never talked to her again. I sit here some nights and I go, what does that woman think today? Does she remember that? Because I barely remember it unless I really think about it. One night, me and Lee were talking outside the office. I was shaking.

[Lee Syatt]

Remember that night?

[Joey Diaz]

I was shaking. I was just unloading on Lee. 25 years of what I saw. Just unloading.

[Lee Syatt]

It was by your house. It wasn't the office on the side. It was right by your North Hollywood apartment.

[Joey Diaz]

We got home at 10, and we were out there till 2, just talking, smoking weed. And Lee was like, no, Lee, that's 20 years of fucking comedy. You know, being at the Comedy Store and seeing a woman. Like, somebody asked me, what did you really learn a lot at the Comedy Store? I go, I learned a lot about comedy, but I also learned a lot about life in there. A lot. A lot more than comedy life. I saw engaged women. Dog get up, go to the bathroom, give a guy a blowjob and go right back to that table with the engagement guy. He's like, yeah, these comics are funny. No, I saw that 10 times. My wife saw it. We all saw it. At the store. You saw the crazy women that were coming and take their clothes off. You see how comics behave. When you start doing a little bit better than they do, they start throwing remote. You have to learn how to navigate yourself through that. So it's a lot. But I learned it just wasn't about standup. It was about psychology, human nature, what makes people. What makes Nick come up to me and say, hey, man, you got any coke? And I give Nick half of what I got. And three weeks later, Lee calls me and says, dawg, I was in a meeting with Nick. He was pitching a show. And I asked him if he was using you. And he looked at me, he goes, that cokehead in the meeting? That's what you live with. You meet people. Or just gonna tie you up. So you learn to. You get your little group. And nothing outside of that, you know, these are all fucking people give you shitty gigs. You get there, you're at the end after the Mambo Band, you know, that's what happened when your mom came to see me in the Rascals, that. You remember that? At Caroline's, I followed the Mambo Band. We didn't get out of there till one in the fucking morning on a Wednesday night, you know, and you. You get the people out in your corner and you learn how to live in a habitat with them without telling them, go fuck your mother. But you always remember what they did to you. And one day you look at them and go, hey, cocksucker. Remember that. I ain't mad at you no more. I know you tried to do this to me. And that's Hollywood, you know? I mean, look at these two idiots. We're best friends. They did the tour together. And when Bernie Mac got Ocean's Eleven, fucking whatever, went behind his back and called the producers and said, I could do it better and cheaper. No, Paul Harvey.

[Lee Syatt]

No, the Harvey Harvey.

[Joey Diaz]

Steve Harvey.

[Lee Syatt]

No.

[Joey Diaz]

You didn't know that. That's why they all hate him now. Oh, that's. That's what a comic does. You know, when a comic dies, there's comedians, they don't even say. They'll just call that club and go, dog. I was on the website. He got those dates. Let me get those dates.

[Lee Syatt]

Jesus.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, class. And you, like, they got you just. They sold their soul to get to where they are. I'm fine with that. I'm fine with that. But those are the things you learn along the way. You learn when people lie to you. I tell you guys that I don't know what she's going to do, but I hope that she does go to St. John Vianney, so she comes out with an associate. Because that year I'm going to sit her down and tell her, you can stay here for rent free, don't go to school, but you got to do something face to face with people, whether it's cars. I don't care what you make. I don't care if you make no money. Tell me what you want a week, and I'll give it to you. But you gotta do that for a year to learn. And comedy doesn't tell you you learn that shit when you're in year three. Thank God I sold cars. People are like, well, coming back later, we go get the check, and all of a sudden you see him with the car, driving from Chevy. Yeah, yeah. Beep, beep. What happened? You know, because you believed him. Then there's your friends going, hey, Nick, you ain't leaving this lot. Yeah, but I gotta go talk to him. I'll leave your watch, leave a shoe, leave something. You're not leaving here. Leave your trade car. Throw the keys up on the roof. Remember those stories in Denver? You know, you're not prepared for that. That's. That's Hard hitting comedy, when you sit in a room and they pick everybody else and then they go, all right, that's the end of the show. And you sat there all night for three hours. Doesn't feel good. No, and I've been there. Doesn't fucking feel good.

[Lee Syatt]

Me too. Yeah, it sucks.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, how many times did George go with me to gigs and Sea Caulkers and fucking Luna park over here, Whatever this place was over here where I ate a bag of dicks. That's it. You're not gonna be great from the fucking beginning, but you just learn how to deal with it. You know, when I was in my first three years, if I took a bomb, oh, I had to go do an ounce of coke. I had to drink a case of beer. It's the end of the world. Now I bomb and I go home and I go to sleep.

[Lee Syatt]

I still get pissed off.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, we all do for a minute or two. Like, I'm still pissed at the show at Red bank to this day. Still pissed. Still pissed off about that show. I went up there un. Fucking thinking I was high. I thought I could pull it off. There's no. I didn't have the comedy thing going yet. You know, you learn you're gonna get burnt. They offered me that date, Carteret on December 26, but now I might scratch it since he canceled. Nothing. You got to come in and have you next time. You know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syatt]

Sure.

[Joey Diaz]

But that's what the problem with comedy is. And we just got into comedy. You were a editor. You work by yourself looking at films. What the do you know about people going, all right, you know, come on up. And then you get up there and you're like, I forgot to ask him about a hotel. And then you go, is there a hotel? Ain't no hotel. And you're like, what am I going to do now? I got $55 on my ATM card and I have to take a gas, dude.

[Lee Syatt]

Like, that's. I don't have any kids, so I don't want to say I disagree with you, but the one thing that you said that I. You said that you'd give her money if she's living with you. I actually think it'd be kind of good for her to be broke for a year working, like, as a server.

[Joey Diaz]

That's 20 years from now.

[Lee Syatt]

It's really not, though.

[Joey Diaz]

That's not the conversation we're talking, you

[Lee Syatt]

know, you just said that, though.

[Joey Diaz]

No, no, I said it as a comparison.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

To what I would like for her to do. But none of that shit's gonna happen. She was talking already the other day that she don't want to go to St. John's because they don't have a film program. So leave me the alone. That's why I'm not going to sit here with you and argue about. Okay? Because it changes every day when you have a child. The plants change every day, George. Every day. So leave me the fuck alone. I'm just giving you an example, okay? When I mean, I gave him money, you know, I'm not going to give a million dollars a week. What do you make over there, 300? If I sell a car, give me 400. You know, so she doesn't feel. Because she got to sell no fucking cars unless she gets really good and that animal comes out. Right? And that's great, too. But I wanted to have some type of social skills like we did. George could sell a fucking ice cube to an Eskimo. You really. I put a gun to his head. That's when he don't talk about pizza or nothing. No, nothing. Put a gun to his head, George. Sell that picture. Watch this motherfucker go, and I'll tell him to sell it for 100. He'll oversell. He'll fucking drop a frame with gold Liza Minnelli. That's, you know, that's how life is. We. You don't learn that by watching TV or in college. You learn that by dealing with people on a daily basis. Can you imagine if you're a bookmaker, could you imagine if you're a loan shark, what you got to put up with every Thursday? Did you see, what was that movie, the Irishman? I gotta go with my mother. Your mother's died three times already.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You don't come. What time you gonna be here tomorrow? 12. If you're not here, I'm gonna bust your fucking head. You know, you hear shit that you can't even repeat when people owe you money. And that's like that dude in the Pope of Greenwich Village. How come nobody keeps me waiting when they're looking to borrow? Right? When you look at the borrower and they go show up at 6, you're there at 5,55. Me, me, me, me, me. You're at attention. When I walk in, you salute me. Two weeks later, meet me at 6 to pay me. Oh, I gotta work overtime tonight. Oh, my kid is sick. I told you, six o' clock every Thursday, six o'. Clock.

[Lee Syatt]

But they duck you. Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

That this is what it is. And as comics Sometimes that's a hell of a shock. You know how I say people quit Jiu Jitsu after a blue belt? A lot of people quit the first five years because it's such a big transition. And if you can't handle me calling you. Lee, come on. We're going to Pittsburgh tomorrow. But. But what am I going to tell the people at the printing job? Tell them you're not coming in tomorrow. That's it. You quit. You're on a road. You want to be a comic, what are you going to do? That's why you said something to me last week. And I have one solution.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay, it's over.

[Joey Diaz]

You got to quit this job pretty soon. That holds you down. You don't feel it. But we have a ton of friends that had a day job. They never got nowhere because they forgot about their love. Instead of peanuts, they. They. They worried about peanuts. I gotta pay my phone. And if you don't, they're not gonna throw you out, but I'd rather you do what you love and be a little broke. That's how you learn to make money. When I'm broke, selling cars, I'm gonna learn real quick how to sell a car. When I'm broke, doing comedy, I'm gonna at least figure it out. Hey, I got a room. How many guys do you know that I don't even don't care comedy a year, and they're making 5,000 a year booking open mics and doing stupid shit. And meanwhile you're sitting there. I don't know about the pine. I'm not putting you down. I'm not putting anybody down that has a dream. At some point, for that dream to work, you got to cut. And I mean cut. If you hit me with, well, I'm going to do it one day a week. Your foot's still in there. So you're not. Your heart's not going to be in that. You see this carpet, right? If I stand on this carpet and hold my ground, that's great. If I stand in that middle and put one leg there and one leg there, what am I fucking accomplishing? And it's the same time, dog. I held a job for eight years. I had child support, and one day I had to go, you know what? She don't even let me see the kid anyway. Fuck child support. I'm gonna learn how to do fucking comedy. And I'll send her whatever the fuck I get. And you know what? At the rate I'm doing this, if I get anywhere, I'll pay her child support in 20 years. I didn't give a fuck. She's not gonna put me in jail. She's not gonna. I don't even get the fucking kid I'm sending $6.35 a month snorting coke off a fucking roof on the floor. You know, I should be smoking. I should be picking up gold from the streets and putting it in my nose. The point is that. That's it. Just. And we know a lot of people who kept a day job because after a while, I need my insurance. Bro, when you do comedy, there ain't no insurance. There ain't no insurance. I did comedy for 10 years on the road. Broken teeth. You give me your name and pray for the best. Put it on the. Put it on the tab. There's a lot of other shit on there too. If I ever hit, I'll clean up.

[Lee Syatt]

Dude, fucking. What's his name? There's a comic in la, very cool dude. He got famous on TikTok during the Pandemic. But he had a Josh with an R. Nice dude in Hollywood. But he had a joke that used to give me anxiety. He's like, every time I saw him, he. It was. He was in X amount of debt. It was like 80 grand. And he just didn't give a fuck anymore.

[Joey Diaz]

That's it. You came in and he's like, I'm

[Lee Syatt]

either gonna make it or I'm gonna fucking die.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, bro, when I left Colorado, I was in $180,000 and I wasn't gonna pay a dime of it. I was like. Because I heard an expression, if they can't put you in debt as prison, there's no prison for people to owe money. And I didn't. I wouldn't file for bankruptcy. I just said, fuck it, this is part of life. And at the end, I did some sick shit. I was financing an Acura and I fucking went in that same bank and cashed a thousand dollar Discover check. The account was closed. They call the cops on you for that shit. They called me one day and they go, you got like eight hours. It's like brain fraud to bring the thousand dollars down.

[Lee Syatt]

I called them, next day, I got eight hours.

[Joey Diaz]

Now I don't have eight hours. They said, okay, we're gonna tack it on to your car. I never paid that car off. I just left it in the garage. I don't know where that car is today. I never heard from him. Not a postcard from Acura, nothing.

[Lee Syatt]

You get one now.

[Joey Diaz]

I even went to look at an Acura and I put my name down for them to run on the computer. I'm like, I don't know. I had an Acura in 91. Beautiful, beautiful Acura. It was a pussy machine. Had a tremendous. There was white with blue interior. I was dick in the sticks of Boulder. Shit. I had the luxury package.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh my God.

[Joey Diaz]

The Dominican stereo in there, the speakers. Ba ba ba da da da da da. When my ex wife saw that car, she had a fucking heart attack. What happened to the truck? Truck? I ain't no cowboy bitch.

[Lee Syatt]

That was your post abortion.

[Joey Diaz]

I was a slinging dick car, you know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syatt]

Oh my God.

[Joey Diaz]

She hated me for it every day.

[Lee Syatt]

Was it a sedan?

[Joey Diaz]

It was a two door coupe. Nice, beautiful, with the nice rims. When I banged the car up, I had to fucking rob a dealership to get the good rims and put it on there. Mike Kessler. I had to leave my car in the garage, pump it, take the whole rims off. Each rim was 2200. I'm not paying for that. They were like high end rims that the kid put on the car before he sold it to me. So I'm on the way to Denver Nugget. I hit black ice and I damaged one of the tires. And the tire was going boom, boom, boom. Like the whole thing was burnt. So I got somebody to fix it. But then the tie, the rim was fucked up. So we're like, how am I going to get a rim for 2200? I go, why steal one when we could steal four of them? So I fucking jocked the car with my man Mike. We took two tires. First in the daytime, bro. I used to do damage at that dealership in Boulder. I'm not even gonna tell you the name. I robbed it one day, single handedly. I robbed it, I busted it. I went in there on a Friday and they were talking about bonuses for the next day. I had to go get cash at the bank. I heard that fucking thing. Later that night I went over there and I broke around the bank. It was a not giver deal. Door was wide open. I walked in there, found the Spiff box, took everything out of there. 400 the next day somebody for the dealership called me and goes, joey, did you rob the dealership last night? Because they're blaming it on Lil Wayne means I'm like, no, I didn't touch that dealership. Then when he saw me, we saw, he goes, I know you robbed it. You heard.

[Lee Syatt]

I was like, you also worked at this dealership.

[Joey Diaz]

I worked there at the Subaru side earlier. And then I got into an argument with the manager and I quit. And then they. At the prison, they put me on the accurate side. They go, we'll give you another job.

[Lee Syatt]

How do you get the promotion after going to prison?

[Joey Diaz]

I don't know. It just. They liked me. So I went back over there and I got the accurate job, and I lasted like a month and a half.

[Lee Syatt]

Well, yeah, because you were robbing the place.

[Joey Diaz]

Not really. No. I was a salesman. I robbed the place when I stopped working there, and I needed money that summer to pay the rent.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, you weren't even working there yet?

[Joey Diaz]

No. And I went up there to see my friend. And while I'm there, this idiot tells the other idiot, you got to go to the bank and get deposit money for tomorrow for spips.

[Lee Syatt]

I missed the part. But you were there to see your phone.

[Joey Diaz]

It's like fucking Josh Wolf used to say, being Joey Diaz. Remember? Being John Malkovich. Being Joey Diaz. He's in a regular conversation. Also some idiot at the end of the bar. I just picked up $1,000 and was hiding in my car overnight. I could hear that shit, robbery in progress right there. I'm one of those dudes, when I was robbing, I would just listen. That's it. You just listen.

[Lee Syatt]

And people are that stupid to just say that much stuff in public?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. If they're going to talk that much stuff in public, you might as well Rob. I got 10 of these down in a warehouse on West End. Really? Let's go look at it.

[Lee Syatt]

Speaking of which, I was just thinking about it. I'm definitely taking this money out of my wallet now.

[Joey Diaz]

Two days later, you're at West End. But they come back to the bomb. So many broken. Come on, come on. You had an alarm system. Oh, yeah, but we got. We got cameras. Listen, I burnt those cameras, okay? I had an electrician to go on there for me and gave him 10 points of the cut.

[Lee Syatt]

Holy.

[Joey Diaz]

How are we talking about.

[Lee Syatt]

I don't know. Something's in my eye, too. I'm up.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, your eyes are always up. He's telling me, I need another room in my eyes. I want to smack you.

[Lee Syatt]

No, dude, I was up and they

[Joey Diaz]

put him on the.

[Lee Syatt]

First of all, you jinxed me and

[Joey Diaz]

he was fucking fine.

[Lee Syatt]

No, no, dude. First of all, you jinx me. Wednesday, before the flight, you're like, listen, you haven't had bronchitis in a while. It's time to bring it back.

[Joey Diaz]

It's been like five years. He has no bronchitis and I don't

[Lee Syatt]

have bronchitis, but I got there and it's a very nice. I'm not talking about the hotel.

[Joey Diaz]

No, the hotel was nice, but.

[Lee Syatt]

And I had. I had a room with a balcony.

[Joey Diaz]

I thought the. I thought Hitler hit you with the mace. You.

[Lee Syatt]

Dude, I was up. I should have changed rooms. And what they said is it was a pet friendly floor. And I get like really allergic to dogs and cats are used to.

[Joey Diaz]

When you got up there, you weren't allergic to my floor.

[Lee Syatt]

No, but this is the second time it's happened. We're like. You ever get an allergy attack that turned into a cold? So like that's what happened. I don't know what the fuck.

[Joey Diaz]

No.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah. I don't want to make an issue at your. Dude, I don't know if you know this. I did cause an issue one time. Well, not. Not even the one you're thinking about in Vegas. I caused an issue the first time ever in Austin and I got. Oh, I've never told anyone this story.

[Joey Diaz]

No, we don't want to need to hear it now. It's too late.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

Save it for therapy next week.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

Look at this shape of you. What do you got this week?

[Lee Syatt]

I got. I got fox. With you.

[Joey Diaz]

No, no, beside that.

[Lee Syatt]

And I got. I think I got Luxor lounge on Sunday. Then next week Lexington.

[Joey Diaz]

Lexington all week. Well, no, you got Thursday night with me. The bucket.

[Lee Syatt]

I. I can't go that night.

[Joey Diaz]

Why not? What are you doing?

[Lee Syatt]

It's my wife's birthday. But no, I'll be. I'll be around New York.

[Joey Diaz]

But you better get it together. Working on it. Make it out with a chubby chick every once in one. Got take one for the team. You know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syatt]

I had no idea.

[Joey Diaz]

And it really wasn't even make out. It was like a kiss and a hug and I could taste the popcorn. Her tongue and. Nah, I'm lying to you. She was very sweet, God bless her. You know, people come and go, man. That's a part of growing up. I'll be at Foxwoods and then tickets go on sale. Well, they went on sale last night at 7 o' clock for Horse on the 19th. Ain't gonna be no tickets left, so. 2200 seats.

[Lee Syatt]

So that's gonna be fun.

[Joey Diaz]

It'll be 7 o' clock show. That's it. Get out of there, go get some tacos. Friday, wake up stem cell. Saturday, go to fucking thing. I see Eddie. Eddie's coming in Friday night. So excited about that. I got him, and all his shit's coming out true. People are saying he was crazy. He talked about Pizzagate. He talked. Now they're making videos about it that he was fucking. Right? All those. As long as there's a war, they can't relieve the Epstein file. He was saying this four years ago, three years ago, when I was down, he was talking about things that were going on now, and they all pertain to that file. Fucking tremendous shit. I hear some conspiracy theories I haven't heard two years. So with him, it's always great. And I'll be back Saturday night before. And then a month later, I get the knee, take it out. I'll be walking around like a gimp. But I'm looking forward to it.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, I get it.

[Joey Diaz]

Start from scratch. This shit's gonna break any day, though, telling you guys this. I don't want to call you in two weeks and go, dog. I'm in the hospital. They're doing emergency surgery. This bone broke. It feels fucked up. It just cracked. You heard it. You guys heard it.

[Lee Syatt]

Should we not be walking much anymore at all?

[Joey Diaz]

No, no. I'm gonna sit at home and get £80 on me and not walk. Fuck you.

[Lee Syatt]

Why do you have to gain 80 pounds?

[Joey Diaz]

Because that's what happens when you stop exercising for some bullshit injury.

[Lee Syatt]

It's not a bullshit. Your leg's gonna snap.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, it hasn't snapped yet. It's like the old. It's like the old thing. We gotta take this to old America for us to succeed as Americans. Everybody wants to make America beautiful, and we. But this is how it was when I was growing up. You're sick, come to work, puke at work, and I'll let you go home. Okay, well, fair. So I'm gonna give up now. I'm gonna give up. I can't walk. I can't. I was doing dead lips today. I'm gonna give up. I'm gonna sit at home until the surgery and fucking eat Dilly Dally, and then I'll be eight years away from. I'll be 68.3. Right now, I'm at 63.4, holding steady.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, but are you making this decision or is a doctor involved in this at all? I of you doing deadlifts on half of a leg?

[Joey Diaz]

No, they'll tell you to stay home.

[Lee Syatt]

So listen to them.

[Joey Diaz]

Fuck him. Fuck him. I gotta keep my dick alive, number one. And number two, you gotta go into that surgery stronger than ever because you're gonna be in that hospital for a night and then you're gonna assume you're gonna be home for four or five days and you think it's hard to build muscle See how quick it is to lose muscle after a I'm not saying to do nothing but I'll be there at home with a fucking dumbbell for two days just doing these just to because it helps you heal the

[Lee Syatt]

body quickly what about the things that you just lay your leg on like and you like kneel and like roll it has legs for the to roll

[Joey Diaz]

all right ladies and gentlemen you heard it all right it's going to be all right. Fun filled podcast the Church of what's happening now New Testament on a beautiful Tuesday it's going to be 70 degrees again tomorrow then whatever happens happens I don't give a fuck Jack. I love you Lee. Have a great week and we'll see you next week Tip Top Magoo with Alberto Crane say good night Lee. Good night stay bye. It.