It's time for your next confession

Summary

Detailed Summary of "It's Time for Your Next Confession" – The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament

Podcast Information:

• Title: The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament
• Host/Author: Joey Coco Diaz and Lee Syatt
• Description: Joey Diaz (comedian, actor, and New York Times Best-Selling author) and Lee Syatt are LIVE from NYC! The hosts talk life, comedy, and everything in between on this weekly podcast. Come for the laughs and stay for the friendship. New episodes every Tuesday.
• Episode: It's Time for Your Next Confession
• Release Date: December 10, 2024

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Introduction and Sponsor Messages

The episode kicks off with Joey Diaz energizing his audience with his signature enthusiasm:

• Joey Diaz [00:00]: Opens with a lively greeting and introduces the episode's title, "The Church New Testament."
• Blue Chew Advertisement [00:00–01:57]: Joey delivers an extensive promotional segment for Blue Chew, an online service offering chewable forms of Viagra and Cialis. He emphasizes its convenience, confidentiality, and special discount using a promo code.

Notable Quote:

"Some people want a hippopotamus for Christmas. Some people just want a big, strong firmer dick." – Joey Diaz [00:00]

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Catching Up and Life Updates

After the advertisements, Lee Syatt rejoins the conversation, and the hosts transition into personal updates:

• Joey Diaz [02:17–02:34]: Expresses enthusiasm for another fun-filled episode and introduces his co-host, Mr. Lee Boogaloo Syatt.
• Lee Syatt [02:31–03:04]: Shares feelings of contentment during a relatively peaceful period in his life, highlighting the rarity of months without significant challenges.

Notable Quote:

"If life was like this, there's no depression." – Lee Syatt [02:52]

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The Nature of Comedy and Open Mics

A substantial portion of the episode delves into the intricacies of the comedy business and the value of open mic nights:

• Joey Diaz [03:04–06:38]: Discusses the importance of loving comedy rather than viewing it solely as a money-making venture. He references insights from guest Rudy Sarzo and explains his commitment to supporting emerging comedians through open mics. Joey emphasizes separating the love for comedy from its business aspects to maintain authenticity and enjoyment.

• Lee Syatt [06:38–07:37]: Highlights the significance of giving comedians a platform to perform, sharing his first experience of being paid for a set. He underscores how these opportunities can validate and professionalize aspiring comics.

Notable Quote:

"Unless I want to go to an open mic, it's not going to work for me. I got to start doing comedy because I fucking love it." – Joey Diaz [03:04]

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Personal Anecdotes and Experiences

The hosts share various personal stories, blending humor with candid reflections:

• Edibles and Side Effects [10:56–21:35]: Joey narrates his experiences with consuming edibles and mushrooms, detailing both humorous mishaps and uncomfortable situations. He shares how overconsumption leads to unintended consequences, such as impaired driving and exaggerated emotional reactions.

• Customer Service Frustrations [27:26–28:28]: Joey recounts a frustrating interaction with JetBlue's customer service, highlighting issues with language barriers and prolonged wait times, which lead to comedic misunderstandings.

Notable Quote:

"Anybody who eats a piece of salmon from a comedy club should be shot and hung anyway." – Joey Diaz [10:56]

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Commentary on Current Events and Society

Joey and Lee transition into discussions about broader societal issues and current events:

• Immigration and Policy Changes [14:04–16:35]: Joey offers a critical perspective on impending immigration policy shifts, expressing skepticism about their implementation and the public's reaction. He touches on the fears within the Spanish-speaking community and anticipates significant societal upheaval.

• Celebrity Scandals and Media Bias [16:35–17:07]: The conversation shifts to recent celebrity scandals, including allegations against figures like Diddy and Oprah. Joey criticizes the media's handling of these situations, suggesting a lack of transparency and accountability.

Notable Quote:

"There is no Hollywood in comedy. It's a making somebody's day business." – Joey Diaz [07:53]

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Lifestyle, Health, and Personal Growth

Health and lifestyle choices are key topics as the hosts discuss maintaining well-being:

• Health and Fitness [60:00–67:11]: Joey emphasizes the importance of building and maintaining muscle mass to prevent sarcopenia, referencing advice from health experts like Rhonda Patrick. He shares his fitness routines, including strength exercises and boxing, as methods to stay physically and mentally sharp.

• Sleep and Addiction [67:07–77:01]: Both Joey and Lee discuss challenges related to sleep and phone addiction. They reflect on how modern technology affects mental health and interpersonal relationships, advocating for mindfulness and moderation.

Notable Quote:

"You have to look at the good and the bad together." – Joey Diaz [03:04]

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Family and Personal Relationships

Family dynamics and relationships take center stage, highlighting the balance between personal life and career:

• Bringing Daughter to Comedy Shows [40:39–42:32]: Joey shares the rewarding experience of taking his 11-year-old daughter to his comedy shows. He describes her positive reaction and the meaningful growth he observes in her, reinforcing the importance of family time.

• Balancing Family and Career [86:08–101:47]: The conversation turns to the challenges of balancing family obligations with the demands of a comedy career. Joey recounts humorous and sometimes exasperating interactions with fans and family members, illustrating the complexities of maintaining personal relationships alongside a public persona.

Notable Quote:

"I did not grow up like a lot of fucking people." – Joey Diaz [51:57]

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Lifestyle Observations and Social Interactions

The hosts delve into observations about social behaviors and interactions in various settings:

• Gym Conversations and Social Etiquette [73:57–89:17]: Joey criticizes excessive chatter in gyms, expressing frustration with individuals who disrupt workouts with unrelated conversations. He highlights the importance of maintaining focus and minimizing distractions in public spaces.

• Restaurant Experiences and Public Encounters [89:27–96:48]: Joey shares entertaining stories about interactions in restaurants and other public venues, often reflecting on the absurdity of unsolicited conversations and the intrusion of fans.

Notable Quote:

"It's the worst thing in the world because I feel like I gotta pick up." – Joey Diaz [74:41]

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Final Thoughts and Closing Remarks

As the episode wraps up, Joey and Lee offer final reflections and express gratitude towards their listeners and sponsors:

• Sponsor Messages [97:06–101:47]: Joey promotes Aura Frames, digital picture frames perfect for the holiday season, emphasizing their ease of use and the personal touch they offer for family photos.

• Closing Banter [101:47–End]: The hosts engage in light-hearted banter, recapping memorable moments from the episode and sharing humorous insights about daily life and personal anecdotes.

Notable Quote:

"This is the time of the year. I'm already making a plan for next year." – Joey Diaz [57:24]

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Conclusion

"It's Time for Your Next Confession" is a blend of humor, personal storytelling, and candid discussions about life, comedy, and societal issues. Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt maintain an engaging and informal tone, making the podcast relatable and enjoyable for listeners seeking both laughs and meaningful conversations.

Notable Quotes Summary:

• "Some people want a hippopotamus for Christmas. Some people just want a big, strong firmer dick." – Joey Diaz [00:00]
• "If life was like this, there's no depression." – Lee Syatt [02:52]
• "Unless I want to go to an open mic, it's not going to work for me. I got to start doing comedy because I fucking love it." – Joey Diaz [03:04]
• "Anybody who eats a piece of salmon from a comedy club should be shot and hung anyway." – Joey Diaz [10:56]
• "You have to look at the good and the bad together." – Joey Diaz [03:04]
• "I did not grow up like a lot of fucking people." – Joey Diaz [51:57]
• "It's the worst thing in the world because I feel like I gotta pick up." – Joey Diaz [74:41]

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This comprehensive summary captures the essence of the podcast episode, highlighting key discussions, personal anecdotes, and notable quotes, providing a clear and engaging overview for those who haven't listened to the episode.

Transcript

[Joey Diaz]

What's happening, you savages? It's Tuesday, December 10th. It's the church New Testament. We got a tremendous show for you tonight. But let's get this party started. What's happening, you savages? The church New Testament today is brought to you by Blue Chew. Listen, some people want a hippopotamus for Christmas. Some people just want a big, strong firmer dick. If you're ready to get it on this Christmas, you need Blue Chew. Blue Chew is an online service that sends a chewable form of the same active ingredients as Viagra and Cialis at a huge discount like your little helmets gonna get. When you take Blue Chew, just sign up on their website, talk to one of the licensed medical providers, and once you're approved, you'll get your prescription within days. So listen, I forgot my little package. I always have a little package with me. I take it on the way home. So when mama's ready. But that's none of your goddamn business. The tablets are made in the usa, Ship straight to your door. Not even the mailman knows what's going on. So discover your [e-mail] and Uncle Joey got a special deal for you today. Try Blue Chew, Lee. Tell them free. Just pay $5 a shipping at checkout when you visit bluechew.com and I'll say it again, it's for free. Just pay me $5 for shipping at checkout when you visit BlueChew.com Again, that's BlueChew.com to receive your first month on the arm. Visit BlueChew.com for more details and important safety information. I also want to thank Bluetooth for sponsoring the show and making you guys into young marines. Turn off your TVs. Run for your lives. It's over. They didn't put you on this planet just to give up. If Uncle Joey could do it, I can rule the world. That's what you got to be thinking.

[Lee Syatt]

Welcome back to church.

[Joey Diaz]

What's happening, beautiful people? We're here for another fun filled Tuesday morning. There's no guest today. We just want to catch up with you and tell you what's been going on. As usual, my beautiful co host is here, Mr. Lee Boogaloo Sayat.

[Lee Syatt]

How's it going?

[Joey Diaz]

Good, man, how are you?

[Lee Syatt]

I'm great, dude. It's been like. It hits me in like waves that I'm here. I just never. I always wanted to be here. But then like, even I get to see you. I see you a couple times a week now. It's just great. I mean, just you ever have like a couple months of life that like, no shitty things happen?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah.

[Lee Syatt]

In the middle, like one of those, like, nothing too shitty has happened in a while and I've just been enjoying it. Like, you know, there's ups and downs, but like, right now it's like, oh, life. If life was like this, there's no depression.

[Joey Diaz]

It's funny. Life has a lot of ups and downs. And there's ups and, you know, you're down and sometimes you don't know it. Like, I have a friend that's going, I'm having the worst year of my life. And she did, she had a couple things happen. But you have to look at the other side of that. You have your kids, they're healthy, you know, everybody's eating, nobody's not working. You know, you gotta look at the good and the bad together. Yeah, some fucking days are better than others. I got up every morning, you know, this new thing that I've been doing lately really changed me, you know? One of the best guests we ever had on the podcast was who? Rudy Sarzo.

[Lee Syatt]

He's fantastic.

[Joey Diaz]

I learned a lot from Rudy. And during the pandemic, Rudy and I used to talk a lot and we'd discuss. He went back on tour with Quiet Riot. Here's a guy that's done everything in his life and one day he goes, you know what? I'm gonna get back together with my original band. And he always told me it was a labor of love. And that's why I did what I did, because I started the year off just doing spots, open mics and one nighters and my friends comedy shows just doing sets. And I would say to myself, unless I want to go to an open mic, it's not going to work for me. If I'm going to start this bad thing of just getting doing comedy for money, that's not going to work. I got to start doing comedy because I fucking love it. And up to the point now where I'm in love with comedy, I'm not in love with the business of comedy. So I had to separate all that shit, right? And we're having fun.

[Lee Syatt]

And for those of you listening who've never been to an open mic, all people at my level want to do is get out of open mics. And if you ask a hundred headliners, there's not going to be many of them who are, who want to go back to open mics. Like, I don't. You said that if you don't want to go to an open mic, you're not gonna wanna. Whatever. No, I don't want to go to open mics. And I still go. Like, going to an open mic is.

[Joey Diaz]

You have to go.

[Lee Syatt]

Sucks.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, it's like riding the subway in New York. You could take a limo. But every once in a while, I take the subway and it reminds you who the fuck you are from time to time. I think the.

[Lee Syatt]

I think the open mic might be the bus.

[Joey Diaz]

The fucked up bus. Listen, an open mic reminds you of how shitty your life used to be when you first started. Like I have. You know, I do those open mics in Freehold, and I do the one at Uncle Vinny's next week. I don't do it for me. I do it because these young guys can now put say that they open for me on their resume. You know what I'm saying? And number two, it's a solid open mic. It's not like an open mic with nobody there. That's what comics do. For years, we just go to these spots and do comedy and there's nobody there but other comics, and they blow smoke up your ass. Ha ha ha. That's a funny joke. No, it's not. Okay. There's always that one dude, he's like a burn victim who sits in the second row and shit. He goes there, you know that customer that goes to the bar every fucking week? You always have that one good guy that's up in the front on the third row. But besides that, open mics suck. So that's why I started. I told Dino, I go, dino, let's do an open mic. And Freehold, there's a lot of action down there. They got a little room. The little room is great. And we could do it once or twice a month, and the headliners could come down the headline, try out their new material for 30 minutes, get a little paycheck, and everybody gets home by 9, 30, 10. Everybody did that. You don't have to stay there till 11. What am I going on? You're number 38, and we're on number three. Fuck, you know you gotta go to work the next day. I don't.

[Lee Syatt]

Dude, that open mic that we didn't freehold for some. And they were good comics. There's nothing against their comedy. But for some of the people who were there and performing, that would be like the biggest show they ever do.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. And that's.

[Lee Syatt]

And it's so cool.

[Joey Diaz]

And that's called making somebody's day.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

In comedy. So now somebody's gonna make your day. Some. Somebody's gonna call you one day, go, hey, what are you doing tomorrow? I got two days on a movie shoot for you. You go, why did he pick me? Because a couple weeks ago, you put a couple open micas on stage, right? And you paid like two or three of them, which now you make them professional in their mind. They've been taking a beat and they gotta pay for parking, they gotta pay for the soda, they gotta pay for everything. Now some guy's giving us 40 bucks, 20 bucks, you know? Cause I remember that. I remember the first time somebody gave me 20 bucks to do comedy. I almost shot myself. Yeah, I couldn't even do the speed limit on the way home. I was doing 100. I couldn't wait to call my friends. I'm a pro. You're not a pro. Joey, knock it off. But now you know what it feels like.

[Lee Syatt]

You feel like, I remember when I came to do Skankfest years ago, way before the Pandemic, Felipe was headlining Caroline's, and he. I. You called him and he let me do a guest set and he gave me 30 bucks. I. It was my, like, I think my first paid set in New York. Yeah, I got 30 bucks and I got to perform at Caroline before it closed. I didn't know it was going to close, but it means, like, that's the coolest thing for me about going on the road with people is, like, I spend half of my time daydreaming about what I'll do for people who open for me, like. Cause you've been obviously great to me. Josh has been great to me, everyone. Like, honestly, I haven't really had a bad headliner yet. I've had some people who I don't. I didn't love, but they weren't gonna.

[Joey Diaz]

Work with people who are just miserable people. And, you know, they're just fucking miserable. Things didn't work out for them, and now they go to a small town and they pull their weight. You follow me? Because in la, nobody talks to them. But now when they go to Kansas City or Wyoming, they're like, fuck you guys. I don't want nobody cursing. And you're like, what happened here? You know me with comedy. Comedy is not a money business. It's a making somebody's day business. Life is a making somebody's day business. And there's just simple things with comedy that I remember. You know, when you do. You know how all I remember about comedy is feeling fucking bad for a long time and just feel shitty about yourself. You go, you do a spot Then you gotta go to your job in the morning, and now this guy's telling you, and in the back of your head you're like, I can't wait to just do standup comedy. Now you start losing. Like, you don't care about insurance. You don't care about the rent. You don't care about your car payment. You're like, I just don't wanna do this job no more. And I can't wait to work as a professional. And I remember somebody told me, uh, Martin Lawrence was making 10,000 a week as a host in 1993. 1990. He was making 10 grand a week as a host of Comic View or Comic Whatever was on hbo Def Comedy Jam.

[Lee Syatt]

Def Comedy Jam.

[Joey Diaz]

And I was like, $10,000. When I started comedy, what I do for $10,000, I would slice your fucking neck at that time on stage for 10,000 F dollars, man. $10,000. And you sit there and go, because we're losers. You go, well, I'll never hit that plateau. That's what you say. You go, like, that's great for Martin Lawrence. It must be a great feeling. But I'll never hit that plateau. You know? And that's how you look at it. And then 20 years later, you're not getting 10 grand, but you're probably getting 3,500. And you're like, damn. Damn, it feels good to be a gangster.

[Lee Syatt]

Holy shit. It's cool. Anytime I get a check from any comedy club, it's like 400 bucks. I'm like, this is cool as shit. This is really cool.

[Joey Diaz]

Just go. And I know people at home are going, lee, somebody gave me $30. That's cheap. No, because there's people that don't give you nothing. There's places that you go and you get the dinner tab, and it's 100%. You had to drive there, park there, and now they're charging you 28 for the fucking Scotch salmon. Some fucking dry piece of salmon. They caught up some pencil. Well, anybody.

[Lee Syatt]

What about Charlie?

[Joey Diaz]

Anybody who eats a piece of salmon from a comedy club should be shot and hung anyway, okay? Don't eat salmon from a comedy. Don't even take the chance. Don't do the linguine, clam sauce. Nothing with that. Because you might be fucking sick for a year.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Stick to the stupid stuff. Pizza and even that. Pretzels.

[Lee Syatt]

What about the clubs that charge you to perform? I just got. And I'm not going to name the club. I signed up for a show, and they said if you brought a certain Number of people you would definitely see, the booker would watch you. I didn't read far enough down, but you needed to bring a certain number of people to perform. It was a full on bringer and they wouldn't let me perform because I was just trying to go to do something. So the fact that anyone gives you even $10 is great. A lot of times I just go, like, people ask me, like, how much you getting paid for this show? I didn't ask. And then when they pay you, like, I got 100 bucks the other week for doing a show at. That was fucking awesome. But I. It was just. It was like a Hanukkah morning. It was a surprise. Like any. I'm at the point now of comedy and I. We're like, any money is just like money you find in a jacket. It's like a surprise money.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. And you look at it like that for years and you're like, oh, my God. Finally I could pay my car payment doing comedy. Like, wow. And I could pay my car payment and do a gram a week. Wow. You understand?

[Lee Syatt]

Holy shit. I'm so happy. I'm happy that I never had anything. The worst thing I have is food, but I can't imagine trying food.

[Joey Diaz]

You don't even know what's in your system. What I put in there without you watching.

[Lee Syatt]

Put in what?

[Joey Diaz]

Huh?

[Lee Syatt]

What did you put in my thing?

[Joey Diaz]

Everything. You've done heroin. You've done everything.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, I know that. You gave me cat tranquilizers.

[Joey Diaz]

I gave you fucking my toenail dust. I shaved the toenail. Put it on your little joint and you're over there smoking it like Benihana. Looking good, you know what I'm saying? We've had some interesting guests, man.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

The last few weeks, and it was a breath of fresh air. I got more of those guys coming in, but I wanted to give you guys a breather, just to inhale what you saw the last couple weeks and get ready for what we got coming up. You know what I'm saying? Like, it's just. I got a lot of these guys and I. Come on, we're gonna tell a lot of fucking secrets. We're gonna talk about shit you never heard before. And that's what this is about. Now. This isn't about. I don't really want big time celebrities in here. I don't want. I don't want half the people you see. You know, every day I get emails. Put, put, put Theo on. Put. Listen, if I put Theo on, it's the same shit Everybody else is doing for right now.

[Lee Syatt]

Mm.

[Joey Diaz]

So for right now, we're going off a different fucking set of rules. And listen, man, everything's changing. I mean, everything's about to fucking change. It's December 10th. You got 14 shoplifting days. Enjoy it. Have a good time with your family. Cause shit's gonna change. January 20th, I can't wait for the 21st. You're gonna wake up to fucking Corre Corve. A bunch of Spanish people flying through the air.

[Lee Syatt]

What's corre?

[Joey Diaz]

Helicopters. What.

[Lee Syatt]

What's Corey mean?

[Joey Diaz]

Run, motherfucker. You know? And they're scared. People are fucking scared. If you've seen the fucking Mexicans are starting fucking to leave on their own lately. Have you noticed that go to a restaurant, they're not as quick as they were two years ago. Even before. After Covid, that's it.

[Lee Syatt]

I just went to Home Depot today and the Americans didn't know what I was talking about. No.

[Joey Diaz]

Spanish people are scared. They're like, you know what? We're gonna get thrown out. You know what? We're gonna leave on our own. Why are they gonna have them put me in a cage with some fucking guy with leprosy down at that fucking border? You know, I don't need this shit either. That's gonna change. And my heart goes out to everybody involved. It really does gonna be a fucking horrible week. And already mayors are opposing it, different police people opposing it, you know, and it's gonna be interesting. A lot of things are gonna fucking change. But me, I'm fine. I'm golden like a motherfucker. I ain't on the Diddy list. I ain't on the Epstein list. I ain't on nobody's list.

[Lee Syatt]

How good does it feel not to be on a list, dog?

[Joey Diaz]

It doesn't. It's a bullshit. It's all bullshit. Like last night they released more info. This poor bastard, Brooklyn's own fucking Brooklyn 666, whatever. Brooklyn 9 9. He raped a 13 year old girl. Now these things are going to come on. At the end of the day, nobody really knows what the fuck happened. I love to be tv. You ever put your TV on lately? Diddy's Takedown episode three. He hasn't even gone to court yet. And people are just speck, you know? And this is why guys don't put. You don't know what happened. And right now, people are fucking coming out of woodwork. Now you're gonna hear all the lawsuits. How many fucking lawsuits did he get after the video came out of him throwing Cassie around right now. They all want to raise their hand.

[Lee Syatt]

And you know what?

[Joey Diaz]

This goes back to the old rule. And I hate to say this, but if you get raped on a Tuesday night, you better be at the doctor's office Wednesday morning. And if you didn't go or somebody told you not to do it or whatever, now you want to come out and make sure tough harder. It makes your case harder, and it makes so many fucking things harder now. But a lot of things are going to fucking change. But for you people who are waiting for list and who's on the Epstein, listen, you're never going to see it. Just. Just go play the picket, try to hit the three numbers on that. You'll be fine, all right? Don't worry about Epstein. I can't wait for the ditty. It's all bullshit, guys.

[Lee Syatt]

They're never gonna release it.

[Joey Diaz]

Who knows what they're gonna do? You know, Everybody wants them to release the list to go. I knew Oprah was a freak. Look at that fat fuck Dough, you know, look at how she's pet. That little boy's hair, all that shit, you know? Listen, guys, there's so much money involved in that circle, I just don't.

[Lee Syatt]

The thing I don't understand about Diddy, and I haven't followed any of it, is why is he in charge of music? Like, I know he was big, but, like, why is he killing? How is he supposedly in charge of all this?

[Joey Diaz]

Now listen, when you throw big parties and people get fucked in the ass, you could tell a lot of people what to do. You know what I'm saying? You ever think about that? Right now, I'm a comic, and people come up to me and take pictures with me. Can I take a picture? Can I take a picture? Can you imagine if they knew I had parties where people getting fucked in the ass and rubbing baby on themselves and shit? You know how popular I am. So did you ever think of that? Maybe he was popular because he was throwing the best parties in the fucking world.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, but who.

[Joey Diaz]

I wouldn't.

[Lee Syatt]

Would you want to go to a party where there was a chance you were gonna get fucked in the ass?

[Joey Diaz]

No, and I wouldn't go because that's not my circle. But, you know, we were talking about it before. Listen, you know, like, Lady Gaga came out, I went, and when I felt things were gonna. I left. Listen, Lady Gaga. Stop. Everybody loves a train wreck. There ain't one motherfucker that don't love a train wreck. It's our natural impulse. It's natural. We're at a party. Can you imagine at some party talking to some fucking gentile. Oh, the state of the union, the sop. And all of a sudden some blonde starts fucking and sucking in the corner. What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? You're really gonna. It's time to leave. You're gonna watch that blonde suck that pipe and watch all the women go. She's disgusting. No, she ain't. She's doing what you should be doing instead of worrying about Oprah and the View and who's Joe Rogan should date. That's what you should be doing. That's the problem with America. Nobody's fucking and sucking no more. If people will fuck like at night, either you fucking suck or you stay up and watch cnn. And now you immigrants go fuck your wife, go eat her ass. What? What bad thing could happen. But that's the problem. Our heads are in our ass as Americans now. Like, this list is going to make you money. This list is going to do something for you. What? This list. What do you. What do you care? You're never going to find out. They will kill your mother before that list comes out. They will sell you. They will take your dad and throw him to the alligators before they even think of releasing that list or any of these fucking list. How much money does Jay Z have? Guys, he's about to give 20 million to hell's Kitchen. What do you think he pays an attorney? 250 an hour? He's got a fucking 20 attorneys at a million an hour. And it don't even budge him. Cuz he'll just. Beyonce. Keep singing, bitch. You know I'm saying country, let's go with Chinese now. Let's do something. You know what I'm saying? You could. You want. You didn't want the animal for the Grammy. Let's try your Kira music. What's that chick? Shakira? Yeah, your Kira, that other one shaking her ass like I'm supposed to be impressed forever. I don't like that song.

[Lee Syatt]

No, dude, Shakira, when I was like 12 and she was shaking it like there wasn't porn. Like I could see back then. That was basically porn to me. You didn't like Shakira? Don't look at me like that. She's hot. What's wrong with Shakira?

[Joey Diaz]

Nothing. Nothing. But when you were 12, you masturbated to Shakira dancing.

[Lee Syatt]

Probably not.

[Joey Diaz]

No. Pussy shot. This is what I'm dealing with here.

[Lee Syatt]

What am I supposed to. There Was no Internet type of guy.

[Joey Diaz]

That goes to a strip club, to a bikini bar and goes, this is fun. It is.

[Lee Syatt]

The COVID charge isn't as high. They got good drinks. What's wrong with the bikini?

[Joey Diaz]

I don't want to see a woman in a bikini. You can go to the seaside heights and see every size of woman in a bikini. Big, tall, fat, hairy, the whole fucking thing. I'm gonna go to a bikini bar. I went to a bikini bar one time. Cause they paid me 50 bucks to do comedy. And I'll tell you what happened there that night. Guess who I saw there that night? Who fucked the most women ever? Who?

[Lee Syatt]

Red Pitt.

[Joey Diaz]

Will Chamberlain. Oh, Wilt Chamberlain fucked over 10 million women or some shit.

[Lee Syatt]

Jesus.

[Joey Diaz]

He was there now. I could have followed him around. Cause I know he's gonna get his dick sucked, right? I could have just followed him around all night. And just to watch, maybe to get in there with him. I don't fucking know. Maybe they show him the Cuban egg roll. I don't fucking know. But at the same time, when I saw wilt Chamberlain, I said, it's time to go. Cause there was all white women there, and I didn't want to see a fucking black dick shishab a bunch of skinny L. A women. I love to see that. Like, a guy, a black dude with a big dick just goes through all of them skinny women. And he's got the dicks going through that monkey and coming out that muffler and forward. They look like a fucking spare rib. Oh, my God. That's a fantasy for me. But not really. I did mushrooms yesterday.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

But it's the truth. What do we want as Americans?

[Lee Syatt]

What black districts?

[Joey Diaz]

Did you see fucking Bryce Mitchell? Did you see the. When he beat up crying, he got up and he goes, I'm sorry, Joe Rogan. I'm sorry I said things about you. I apologize. But there's only one man who can make America great, and that's Jesus Christ.

[Lee Syatt]

I didn't know. What did Joe say?

[Joey Diaz]

Like, Joe just looked at him like, oh, my God, I gotta stay in Texas more.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, my God. Speaking of the bikini stuff, have you seen, like, they have, like, barber shops. You can go coffee shops where, like, they walk around in bikinis. Does that sound like fun to you at all?

[Joey Diaz]

Not at all. Not at all. It's like going to hooters and seeing a chick with stockings on. I'm supposed to have a party because she got stockings on and she got her legs in the top. I don't Want to see that? I want to see a waitress not nude. Because you have to have imagination, right? No panties. And when she walks, pubic hairs fell on the floor like fucking. You know, the Africans throw flowers when you walk, when you're a king. You ever see coming to America?

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, I was going to say back to the future.

[Joey Diaz]

One of those.

[Lee Syatt]

Back to the future.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, I want to. I want something more. It's like when you go. You ever go to a place and the chicks got like a bikini bottom, but breast her out and she's got two things on her nipples.

[Lee Syatt]

Whatever they call it pasties.

[Joey Diaz]

What are they called?

[Lee Syatt]

Pasties. Little stickers?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, it kind of. You sit there for an hour going, hmm, I wonder what her nipples look like. Like, I don't go to strip club. And I'll tell you why.

[Lee Syatt]

Why?

[Joey Diaz]

Because it started in Vegas about 20 years ago. I used to work for a sports betting company. They'd take you to a strip club. And I was high, you know, I don't think I was doing coke in the place. Cause the guy didn't like us doing drugs. But I'm sitting there and this is a true story, guys. I'm sitting there and you know, like after a while you're like, I gotta go give some dollars to the girl. What am I sitting here for? I might as well go up there. Everybody else is like looking at each other. Bunch of idiots. I go over there, I'm starting to give dollars to the girl, but then she starts shaking her ass. And I noticed something. She's beautiful for starters, beautiful body. But she's got the tightest little white head on her ass cheek. And I'm trying to bust this motherfucker. Like I would give her anything just to pop, you know, those little pimples that, you know, they're gonna go. It's just a tight white head, no redness, no nothing. You just go and it. And it's a little thing on your nail and you just wipe it on your pants. This chick had an ass that was tight, but that pimple was even tighter. And it was driving me fucking crazy. And now when I go to strip clubs, I always look at chicks asses because I want to see if they got a little pimple on their ass to see what's going on.

[Lee Syatt]

How much would you have paid to pop this pimple?

[Joey Diaz]

The small 20.

[Lee Syatt]

And what would. And what would you have gotten from this?

[Joey Diaz]

Just to pop a pimple. And here we go. Ow. Did you ever think of that?

[Lee Syatt]

No.

[Joey Diaz]

That's funny.

[Lee Syatt]

I'VE never wanted to pop anyone's pimple. Fuck.

[Joey Diaz]

But it's just so weird how we want all this info, you know? And 2025 is going to be a. Interesting year for a lot of people.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, a lot of people. People starting to leave, some people staying, you know, these idiots. I'm leaving. You'll be back. You'll be back. You know, I'm gonna leave because my human rights is. It's not a country for women no more. Okay, all right. What are we gonna do?

[Lee Syatt]

I've only been out of the country a couple of times. Even when I've had fun, as soon as you're a couple days away from coming back, you're like, I can't wait to fucking just be back.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, it's great to go, but it's always better to come back. You ever notice that shit? You're like, that's enough of this shit. These people dancing, don't they work?

[Lee Syatt]

No, I don't think they do.

[Joey Diaz]

That's why I don't go on vacation. It's a waste of my time. It'll always be a waste of my time. I can't just sit there for three days and look at a balcony.

[Lee Syatt]

Even with edibles. You can't.

[Joey Diaz]

I love how many. I could do edibles and sit in my basement and write jokes and watch my TV and play with my cat. Now you're making me go somewhere else to sit on a balcony, look at a beach, and eat edibles like an old man. You know, I don't have a boat. I don't want to walk to a fucking thing. You know? Yeah. You go on the Go Karts one day. Yeah. And after that you're like, okay, it's over. Time to go home. I'm not good at vacations.

[Lee Syatt]

I'm great at it.

[Joey Diaz]

And now with these fucking flights and all this shit, you're not going to get me going on nowhere.

[Lee Syatt]

I don't blame you.

[Joey Diaz]

Nowhere. Nowhere. I'm done. I'm fucking done, guys. I've had it with flights and, you know, they called this week for me to go to LA to shoot something and just going online, getting my dog. All right? So I called JetBlue, okay? And they answer, you know. You know. Hi, you reached JetBlue. We're grateful that we have your business. Stay on hold. And then they come back on. If this is Spanish, dial 9. Okay. If you're booking a reservation, press 1. If you're doing this, press 2. If you're doing this, Press 3. Okay? It's a seven minute wait. No problem. I go pop a pimple. I go put a bandit on my ear, right? Seven. In those seven minutes, every 30 seconds, somebody. Come on. If you want faster service, we could call you back. Listen, I don't want you to call me back. Let's just do this now. It's seven fucking minutes every 30 seconds. If you want, we could have a. Whatever. Call you back on the same number on hold. You won't lose your place. I don't want. Listen, I already see the by the way coming. Well, by the way, you ready?

[Lee Syatt]

Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

Beep. Hello. Hi. Hi. I want to know how come there's no flights out of Newark or if I could book a flight from Newark to lax. And all of a sudden, she was from a complete different fucking country. And what you heard was, like, sewing machines. There was drones going on in the background. Cause she was like, what's your name? Jose. Jose. H, O, S, E. How do you spell that? And then. Listen, can you do me a favor? Can I just have the fucking. My code for Mosaic. Can I just have my Mosaic code? I can't find my fucking card. Give me your email, dog. Took me 18 minutes. Diaz. No.

[Lee Syatt]

Diaz.

[Joey Diaz]

Bez. Beas. B, V. No. What's my name? Jose. Diaz. Okay. That's a start. Diaz. D, R, A, Z. Doug. They make it uncomfortable for you to do anything anymore.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You get anxiety. So out of all the people, you can't put a white chick on there just to talk to us and get this out of the way. Because I was lost. And again, I love fucking foreigners and the whole thing, and you got to give them a job. First of all, this was not. This was outsourced to fucking. Some fucking Pablo Escobar's old telemarketing office. I didn't know what this lady was saying, and I asked her, habla Espanol? I'm gonna do you know, she was saying something. I'm like, man, I'm like, now I gotta deal with this shit. The airport, my boy told me that if you fly to United out of Newark, you gotta stand in terminal D and give your luggage up. I'm not in the mood for all that shit. And if I get to the airport and you tell me my flight's delayed. Listen, wherever I was going, they're not gonna see me.

[Lee Syatt]

Just for a delay.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, what if it's 20 minutes, three hours? Done. Give my luggage back. Give it back. Here, take the money. Take it. As a matter of fact, take the luggage. I got to sleep Out. Take the luggage, mail it to my house when you get a chance. I don't need anything in there. It's two days of clothes, socks, underwear. Ain't nothing in there. I got my weed in my nut sack and I got my edibles in my nut sack. I swear to God, I'll.

[Lee Syatt]

You still keep it in the nutsack, bro.

[Joey Diaz]

Remember last year, two years ago, right before the pandemic? I got stuck in Atlanta.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

It was a fucking all day. And these motherfuckers. You missed the show and these motherfuckers are calling me a tree. Well, we could send a helicopter for you in a private plane. I go, dog. And who's gonna pay for that private plane for me to break even, to get there in a rush to do a show? Get the fuck out. It's done. It's canceled. They kept calling me every 30 minutes. We get you there, we got you a train that'll drop you off to a helicopter and this guy named Jed will take you to. No, it's over. Yeah, I've been sitting here since six in the morning. It's four. What do you mean to do you think I'm gonna move to tell a fucking joke now? Yeah. That's 10 hours at the airport. Yeah, I'm gonna just get on stage and be fucking, you know, Johnny friend, whatever the fuck. Whoever the fuck that is.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, it sucks, but do you ever have. I just had a really great experience somewhere and like, it made me, like, hopeful almost.

[Joey Diaz]

What experience did you have?

[Lee Syatt]

I wouldn't. Well, you called me. I went to dinner two nights in one week, and you call me Johnny. Dinner. Which I thought was hysterical, but I went to a steak place. I've never been and it wasn't expensive. I went. You ever heard of, like, the Michelin star, Like the. Like the fancy. Yes, I went to a steak and it was like the best meal I've ever had. You wouldn't go because I will be honest. It is a Korean steakhouse. So they do. They give you the kimchi and stuff.

[Joey Diaz]

But you can just tell them. You can just tell them not to even bring normal. Like it is normal. It's all Korean steakhouse.

[Lee Syatt]

It's great. It was great.

[Joey Diaz]

Never wait till you blow.

[Lee Syatt]

It was days ago.

[Joey Diaz]

That's where you got the pink guy.

[Lee Syatt]

No, it's not.

[Joey Diaz]

That's where you got the. It's not.

[Lee Syatt]

First of all, it's not pink eye. This die from something you.

[Joey Diaz]

That's where you got the pink guy. I knew there was a. By the way, I'm going to see Gladiator, then we're going to a steakhouse. We don't pick no restaurants because there's always a bite. He's the easiest guy to talk into. Anything.

[Lee Syatt]

You didn't tell me.

[Joey Diaz]

He'll fucking Yelp it and he'll listen to a stranger. And I already knew that. There's a by the way.

[Lee Syatt]

There was no by the way.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm going to dinner. Cote. It's a steak. Okay. By the way, I know.

[Lee Syatt]

You know, everybody so good. They made. I've never had wagyu before.

[Joey Diaz]

You didn't know?

[Lee Syatt]

No.

[Joey Diaz]

Okay.

[Lee Syatt]

Have you ever had it?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. And I shit right away because it's so. That meat is so fucking rich.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah. I mean, they give me one ounce.

[Joey Diaz]

The two times I've had it. I didn't even leave the. The restaurant. I swear to God. I had to go right in the bathroom and. And come out like, I got to get out of here. That was. It's too rich, Uncle Joey. I'm too old for that.

[Lee Syatt]

It's rich. It tastes like you.

[Joey Diaz]

Short rib. I can't eat a lot of short rib. I like a little short rib on a pasta, but when they give you that big slab, it looks like a. It looks.

[Lee Syatt]

Love it.

[Joey Diaz]

No.

[Lee Syatt]

What do you. What happens when you eat short ribbon?

[Joey Diaz]

It's just too heavy. That's it. That shit I could eat. When I was 25, 34, I ate a piece of short rib at night. Some. Oh, I went somewhere and I had the short rib on the pillows. Not the one from my brother at the joint Red bank that the kid trains at our school. No. Chef. Whatever. Phil. What is it? Character. Chef Phil makes a fucking tremendous one. I went somewhere else and it was on the menu. I'm gonna throw you a couple of them. I ate one. I had to go right to the bathroom and puke and shit went right through me and the meat, bro. This is a great restaurant I went to. It's just too rich.

[Lee Syatt]

Wow.

[Joey Diaz]

Just too fucking rich, you know? It's just too much. It's just a steak with fat. That's what the Koreans do, first of all. And then now they're calling for you go to eat a. There's a war going on in Korea and you go eat at a Korean steakhouse, there's martial law. Little kids are getting hit with firecrackers and bottle rockets.

[Lee Syatt]

So what does that have to do with me? Because eating kimchi.

[Joey Diaz]

Kimchi.

[Lee Syatt]

So you don't like kimchi?

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, yeah.

[Lee Syatt]

It gets your style. The farts would be great.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, I know, I know, but they.

[Lee Syatt]

Came out like it was.

[Joey Diaz]

That's where you got the pink.

[Lee Syatt]

No, it's not. First of all, don't stop calling it pink. I think I never got a sty until you jinxed me at that Airbnb.

[Joey Diaz]

No, that's. That's because I just saw a picture of a woman who went to an Airbnb, got in a Jacuzzi. She's got a rash all over her fucking body. I guess I keep it up with the Airbnb.

[Lee Syatt]

I don't go there anymore.

[Joey Diaz]

And the fucking Japanese steakhouses. What happened was somebody went. You went to get a steak, and they didn't wash the table correctly. You touch the table and then you rubbed your eye with your fingers. So how clean is the fucking restaurant?

[Lee Syatt]

It wasn't the restaurant. The restaurant was fucking amazing.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, the restaurant was amazing. You got a fucking sty. Goddamn it.

[Lee Syatt]

I didn't get it at the restaurant.

[Joey Diaz]

You got it somewhere.

[Lee Syatt]

I think I had it before the restaurant, which pissed me off. It's. I hate that shit. I hate acne. I'm 36.

[Joey Diaz]

He hates acne.

[Lee Syatt]

I do. You think I like having spots? I don't know why I have spots. Everyone else, it just goes about their day, you know?

[Joey Diaz]

I love acne.

[Lee Syatt]

Why?

[Joey Diaz]

Because I could pop the pimples. It keeps me do something at night.

[Lee Syatt]

I'm gonna buy you. They sell toys that, like, are fake pimples you can pop. You want one of those?

[Joey Diaz]

No, I don't want a fake pimple.

[Lee Syatt]

Sometimes you run out of pimples.

[Joey Diaz]

You're hanging out with those fucking.

[Lee Syatt]

I don't do it. I don't like popping pimples that much.

[Joey Diaz]

You're hanging out with those students in New York with the bushkas on and shit. The fuck is wrong with you?

[Lee Syatt]

Doug, the yeshiva students.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't know who the fuck they are. There's some crazy people in New York. We're talking about a casino that they gotta build in New York before.

[Lee Syatt]

Holy shit.

[Joey Diaz]

This shit goes through. Legal gambling in New York City, dog. You're gonna have to get, like, a helicopter. There's no more just zipping into the city. I mean, you can't zip into the city no more. Let's get it out of the fucking way. No, but why do you think it's.

[Lee Syatt]

Gonna be so busy?

[Joey Diaz]

A casino by Hudson fucking Yards. But there's, like, a hotel with a dock so people can land helicopters. A dock so people can pull them with their fucking boats and an event center and shopping and malls. We don't got the space in New York. That's a fucking island. But again, this is the shit I talk about. It's got nothing to do with me. It's not like I go over there every fucking day.

[Lee Syatt]

Right?

[Joey Diaz]

It's got nothing to fucking do with me. I could give a Frenchman's fuck. I come up here once a week to see you motherfuckers. And that's the extent of it. Next week I gotta come up two times. Yeah, but that's it. I don't fucking come up here for me to go into the city. My friend invited me to Kevin. He really. He's a great kid. He invited me to the Happy Madison wrap party Saturday night for Happy Gilmore 2. It started at 7, but I had a fucking family thing. I had to be there with the kids. It was the neighborhood. And they give you a Secret Santa. And I ended up leaving because the mushrooms hit me too hard. I had to go for a fucking ride. All those kids yelling and screaming and I'm hearing Chinese people crying. I thought it was in Vietnam. They're all like, ah.

[Lee Syatt]

I thought you were blaming the party, but you're like, I also took nine grams of mushrooms. I think that might be why you didn't show up to the party.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, I'm not gonna go to a kid's party just to go to a kid's party. I'm gonna go there with my wife. We're gonna eat the food. You know what they had?

[Lee Syatt]

No.

[Joey Diaz]

The shrimp parm that you like from that place.

[Lee Syatt]

I love the fish. Shrimp.

[Joey Diaz]

Everybody's eating chicken and all the eggplant scalloped you. I was digging three of those shrimps at a time. Tell Vinny how big. Nicholas, how big those shrimps are.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, they were like fucking like softballs or Wiffle balls.

[Joey Diaz]

They're fucking prawns with sauce and a hunk of cheese on it. Oh, my God. But I do want to thank Nick today for bringing fucking fiores out of Hoboken.

[Lee Syatt]

Nick's been good.

[Joey Diaz]

Some Italian ham, some wet moots and some prosciutto for later. That'll get your asshole going for Monday Night Football. And that's it. And that's that.

[Lee Syatt]

Nick's been great. Nick has given me some rides. It's Joey's nephew. I will say Nick. And I'm not trying to. You don't have to go on the camera. You did. You don't even know what you did. And you really didn't do anything. But we Went out to eat yesterday and you ordered calamari and fried shrimp for the table. And Nick pulled what I want to do as a fat guy, but I never have done. There were three fried shrimp on the thing. He took two of them. And I was like, motherfucker, I was so pissed. I wanted one of those goddamn shrimp. That's someone with like, skinny confidence can do. You can just two out of the three shrimp, brother.

[Joey Diaz]

Can I get a water? Anybody have water?

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, another water. But yeah, that was. It's been great. There's like in. I'm sure, though, your buddy George has been very helpful, like, all the time. Your other friend Nick has been great. There's been a lot of, like, as shitty as, like the world is. There's a lot of helpful. It's been real fun being here and like, seeing the difference between here and la, between like, the people we have around who will help and invite, like, even your neighbors at like the park shows or. All your neighbors are happy to see me, man.

[Joey Diaz]

People will never understand. And I like when people call me and they go, hey, you should do this. Or you should go on the road on Fridays and you should do this. What I want you to do before you invite me to do anything from now on is come to Jersey, stay with me for five days and ask yourself, where do I need to go at this point in my life? I'm just being very honest with myself. Where do I need to go? I know who I am, I know my age, I know what I'm capable of doing. I know what I'm not capable of doing. And one thing I don't like doing in my life is not being able to cover the spread. I'm at a point in my life where I'm just having too much fun. And it was a state of mind with me when I got. See, Stand up for Me used to be a business. And it's great, it's great to take things seriously in your life, but comedy is about laughing. And if you ain't laughing on the ride and you ain't laughing at the event and you ain't laughing with your friends, it's not worth doing. There's no Hollywood in fucking comedy. There's no Hollywood in comedy. And that was the mix up. And for the first time in my life, first of all, I never cared what people thought. Like, when you go to Hollywood, they'll tell you, nick, you gotta get rid of that joke because it doesn't represent the TV show you're trying to put together. Listen, I'M not trying to put together a TV show. I'm just trying to make people fucking laugh. I want them to leave here howling. Not because I had to put a special set together. Oh, I can't touch on this. I can't touch on that. I'm not talking about a lot of subjects I used to talk about at all. I'm telling stories. I'm including my daughter. And I'm talking about what I'm going through now, which is. I just really don't give a fuck about your situation. I got my own problems, man. I was just on antibiotics for four weeks. Do you know what that's like? That's a punishment. You don't even know until you get off them. I've been off for maybe. Nah, tomorrow will be a week. I started. I didn't go to the bathroom for four fucking weeks. I couldn't fall asleep at night for four fucking weeks.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, no.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, and it's my year and whatever, but I'm having a great time with my daughter. Yeah, I took her to the comedy show.

[Lee Syatt]

I was gonna bring that up. That's awesome.

[Joey Diaz]

I took a Tuesday night to a comedy show with me, and I took a Wednesday night, and it was hard to take a Wednesday night because I knew what she was going to hear and I knew what she was going to see. I didn't smoke in front of her. There was no reef of smoke back there.

[Lee Syatt]

No.

[Joey Diaz]

She saw the mushrooms in the bag. She looked the other way. She's 11. And I told my wife and I told Everybody after those 23 years in LA and the three years in Seattle, I saw. I saw a lot of insecure women. And I saw women that their parents never spoke to, their dads never sat them down and said, are you fucking crazy bringing that jamoke in here? You know, like, just different things that you tell your daughter, and, like, they realize what the fuck's going on. So for me, it was like, if I go back there, I can't go back to my old life. I got to spend time with her. I gotta spend time with her. And I took her to the open mic, and she had a fucking blast at the open mic. And I'm like, this is not good. And then the next day, she heard me talking to my wife, and she goes, dad, can I go to Jersey City with you? And I had to call my wife in the room. I'm like, what do you think about that? And she's like, Joe, she's 11. If you think she's mature enough and I go, let's give it a shot. And she fucking panned out. She had a good time, she laughed, she talked about it. And I could see that she grew. You watch them grow right in front of you after you do something like that with them.

[Lee Syatt]

She looked like a little adult. She like. She was dressed like an adult.

[Joey Diaz]

She has a mascara on. She looks like a.

[Lee Syatt]

She had makeup on. I didn't know that.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. You remind me of my mother at three in the morning. That's what my mother looked like. The mascara going down your face, the sweat. My mother would come in at three with coke rings and the black thing leaking and fucking.

[Lee Syatt]

But it was, you know. And not. I'm not saying you had bad shows anywhere else, but do you think there's any, like, correlation? Because I think you had the best show that I've seen you have in Jersey City.

[Joey Diaz]

Well, what's going on right now is I'm getting better every week, you know? And it's not the material, it's not the confidence. It's not the confidence. What it is, I don't give a fuck. I'm gonna still give you the best show I could give you, but I don't give a fuck. I can't worry about giving a fuck anymore. I just can't. It's a different state of mind. I'm doing it for me. I'm telling the jokes I wanna fucking tell. I'm doing the schedule I wanna do. It's not. You know, the agents call me all the time. Hi. What do you think about a Friday night? Not really. Not really. And you know what? Next time you ask me about a Friday, I'm going to fly you in and I'm going to show you my family on a Friday and what this neighborhood does on a Friday. And you tell me, you have the audacity to tell these people, well, it's time for me to go. I got to go to. I don't even want to do that. I don't want to do that. I got two Saturday shows all next year. That's it. I got Valentine's Day and May 31 or something like that. That's it. The rest of them are Wednesdays. I got a Friday show in June, but it's just one show at 8:00 and it's the 4th of July week. So I'm taking that check. Gone. Gone. You won't see me till fucking the 8th or the 9th, when I'm out of fucking everything else, you know? And that's the thing. This is the time of the year. I'm already making a plan for next year. Like I already have my plan for next year. Unless something happens. I fall off a building, you know? Jesus. I fucking jump off the hotel balcony like that poor bastard. You know, whatever the fuck I did. Then they blamed it on drugs. Down.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, the singer.

[Joey Diaz]

The singer. That poor bastard. 20 something years old. He got too high. You know why? Because he didn't grow up in North Bergen. He would have been prepared. You would have been high when you're fucking 18. And you wouldn't have lost your mind. And the fucking. Well, the guy delivered on drugs. I'm not going to put that poor bastard in jail. He's just a bellman, you know, that's what bellmans do. How can I hook you up?

[Lee Syatt]

Is that what happened?

[Joey Diaz]

I don't know. I'm just talking shit out of my ass. Anyway, we're gonna break for a quick ad. We'll be back. Come on, guys. I got 16. The dealer got five. Should I hit or stay? He won both of you anyway. Hey, it's your Uncle Joey. Slots. DraftKings is bringing Christmas gifts this year with DraftKings Casino, my personal favorite. They got exclusive games to play with huge jackpots and awesome rewards to redeem so you can have a Merry, Merry Christmas. DraftKings is the best way to make the season bright. You saw me, I'm over here. I'm getting ready. It's the 12 days of Christmas. I'm already, you know, on the 12th day, I got a power booth, whatever the hell it is. DraftKings is offering a warm welcome to new players. You ready? $100 instantly in casino credits with just a $10 wager for the cheap seats. $100 with a $10 wager. $100 in casino credits instantly. Plus everybody get in on the action with the huge holiday reward every week. I got mine today, so sign up with code joeyslots Joe Slots. Because the holiday cheer is here only at Draft King. Casino. Gambling problems, call 1-800-GAMBLER if not, do what you gotta do.

[Lee Syatt]

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[Joey Diaz]

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[Lee Syatt]

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[Joey Diaz]

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[Lee Syatt]

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[Joey Diaz]

Anyway, we were talking about Lee found at Barone and Lucy. Like, listen, I knew when I would start bringing my friends that I grew up with, it would open up different avenues. And I've been getting guys. I've been getting a lot of fucking emails lately. I got a lot of Facebooks from people that had gone to those schools over the years. Like, they don't land on your regular Facebook. They land, like, on a messenger or some shit. The one day my messenger had, like, 11 fucking things in there, and I'm like, what the fuck? And it was just weird that we introduced the country to what teachers used to be.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

What teachers used to be.

[Lee Syatt]

Holy shit.

[Joey Diaz]

I was very proud that. I mean, he was a. He was a big part in me getting my life together when I was younger. Then once my mother died, I couldn't. I couldn't go around him because I felt embarrassed of who I'd become for a few years. And I didn't see him for a long time. I think I reconnected with him, like, in the early little. The late 90s, like, 96, 97. I reconnected with him and his wife Patty.

[Lee Syatt]

How did you do that? Before the Internet, I called, but I don't have any of my teachers.

[Joey Diaz]

Because you would call somebody who knew somebody who knew somebody who would get you that person's number.

[Lee Syatt]

Wow.

[Joey Diaz]

And you just hunted out. Or I would call somebody and they go, you're not gonna believe who was asking about you. And he said if I called you to give you his number, you know. So that's how I reconnected with, like, Lisa Messina, Mr. Barone. There was a lot of people I didn't see for a long time. I didn't see George for a long fucking time. I didn't see George for seven years. I thought George was dead. Did he hear that? He told me during a movie that George had died. And I was depressed. I didn't know what was going on. I'm like. I said, he's gone. I mean, one of us was going to die. I didn't know which one at that point. We couldn't keep living how we were living. You know, me and George were nuts, you know, so. And one day I'm on Kennedy Boulevard in front of my friend's business, and he pulls up with the Suzuki, and I'm like, that's fucking the ghost of George. And that's what happened. I just reconnected with a lot of these people years later. You gotta remember, I left in 85 and I did not come back till 91. And then I went back and came back in 93. And then after 93, I probably didn't show my face around here until about 96 and 97. And I would just come in for a day. I would do Rascals and sleep on my friend's balcony or, you know, it was fucking insane what I would have to do. I didn't have the money to go to a hotel or nothing like that.

[Lee Syatt]

Right. It is nice. Like, I just had. I just saw an old friend from LA this week. It's been six years since I saw her. She got married since we left. It was a lot of fun. Like, it was cool to just. It's cool when you're away from someone from. For years and like you can catch up and see where their life is and you're still friends. It's, you know, I went to meet.

[Joey Diaz]

My crazy brother Friday night, okay. And while I was there, I'm looking at this table and I go, I know this girl. And I go, do I know this girl? I grew up with a down by. She went to McKinley, she had Barone. And I went up to her. I haven't seen her since probably the. Did the show at the Village. How long ago was that? 10 fucking years ago. That's 10 years ago. 2014, 2015. That's 10 fucking years ago. That's the last time I show her. She showed up with a big black dude. She's a little white chick with red hair, beautiful. She showed her one of her car. I'm like, what the fuck, Joanne? That's the biggest black man I've ever seen. She's like, he's my boss, he's married. Don't ask. And then, yeah, I just bumped into her and it was like, I didn't see her for 10 years. But all of a sudden, after two minutes, we were back to where we. Yeah, we're right back, right back talking about this, that, this, that. So I take pride, man. And talking to my friends, I always thought that was a big cap in your life if you can make your life. You know, you see people, you grow up with people like, you don't grow up with people. You meet people in California and I would tell them, oh, I'm going to see my brothers at Comic Con. And you know, they didn't have. They didn't grow up like that. No. But after what you guys have seen in the two last podcasts, I didn't grow up like a lot of fucking people.

[Lee Syatt]

I still can't Believe Lucio was cool with you after you were supposed to be spotting him and he dropped the thing and you were just somewhere else smoking weed. I don't know what you were doing in the corner.

[Joey Diaz]

My mother was home. We were 12. We were 11. We with kids. And we used to fucking all want to get in shape to play basketball or football or baseball. There was always something you were getting in shape for. And I don't remember who the karate guy with the white shirt was, but I have an idea his name was Glenn. He was fucking.

[Lee Syatt]

I don't have an idea. I don't know who he was, but his name was.

[Joey Diaz]

He was crazy, this kid. This kid lived in a one bedroom house with his mother. And the living room was just karate trophies. They didn't sit on the couches. You know where they lived on that building on the Kennedy Boulevard. Twist. When you're coming out of the White Castle and you're going down Kenney Boulevard, that brown building, this is 1975. That building was brand new then. Well, it wasn't brand new then, but it looked a lot better than what it did. And that's what he's talking about. The kid with the kung fu kid with the white T shirt, he was out of his mind, but fucking yeah, that's who we hung out with. And now on the 21st, I'm going to dinner with the other side of that crew that we all grew up with.

[Lee Syatt]

Karate or North Bergen.

[Joey Diaz]

North bergen, like a McKinley school. So it's me, Dave Ruiz, Louis Hernandez, Louie. Yeah, Chucky. Fucking Whitey who went to Kennedy you've.

[Lee Syatt]

Been talking about Louis.

[Joey Diaz]

Ralph Busso went to Frankfurt.

[Lee Syatt]

I remember Ralph.

[Joey Diaz]

So it's a bunch of us that played basketball together in the sixth and seventh grade who fucking does that? And we do that four times a year.

[Lee Syatt]

That's awesome.

[Joey Diaz]

Four times a year. No drugs? No, no. I'm the only junkie there. I'm the only one that they drink. I fucking smoke dope. And we pick fucking tremendous restaurants. We just pick great places. You know, they want to go all the time. They're like, we got to go to the Stage in New Brunswick. We gotta go to the Stage in New Brunswick because they got the best hamburger, supposedly. They do. I like that burger. I like a lot of their food. I like that spaghetti, you know. They just want to go to great places, these guys. So they want to go to the city, to this place. I'll tell them not to go to Cote. It's fucking.

[Lee Syatt]

Listen, don't. First of all, it's called code. I can't tell him anything. Nice that I do. I know you're just teasing me, but it's fucking. You know, I wish I didn't get pissed off. Someone. Someone told me he has a trick when, like, just to piss people off. And like, one of my comic friends, his name is Kevin Sanchez, very funny, New York comic. But he was saying if, like, someone's like, arguing something, right, he'll just tell them that he doesn't care. And it like. I wish. I wish I could tell you I didn't care when you, like, don't. I wouldn't go to Cote. That's where you get pink eye. I wish I look. No, it's not. Who cares? But if I don't know what it's like. You twist me up on toy and I'm like. It fucking drives me nuts.

[Joey Diaz]

Did you eat another?

[Lee Syatt]

You made me. Will you watch me? No, not yet.

[Joey Diaz]

Another edible light. You like?

[Lee Syatt]

I. First of all, I made four edibles now.

[Joey Diaz]

No, you didn't.

[Lee Syatt]

Yes, I did. I ate two of these, which are awesome. I've had a couple of different kinds of blue ones. The blue ones are good. I had the red ones, the orange ones. I've had all the colors. And then we had another kind, which is on tape. I took four. Don't look at me like that. You don't Listen. I was the only one who took mushrooms with you yesterday. I was the only one who took mushrooms.

[Joey Diaz]

He was the owner of the restaurant. He was eating them like there was a.

[Lee Syatt]

But no one else at the table did. Yeah, he was. He was having a good time, but no one else at the table did.

[Joey Diaz]

Because they were all pussified.

[Lee Syatt]

They're not like, I get no credit. How many. How many edibles can I take?

[Joey Diaz]

How many? Listen, how many pounds of potatoes will you eat before you die?

[Lee Syatt]

What the fuck does that even mean?

[Joey Diaz]

How many chocolate bars do you eat before you die? How many fucking steaks?

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, but I'm not eating.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, it's all in moderation. You gotta eat some steaks, you gotta eat some mushrooms.

[Lee Syatt]

How is.

[Joey Diaz]

It's a balance. You know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syatt]

300 milligrams. Moderation. I've had moderation.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, bro, we're going into the holiday season, okay? As of Tuesday. It's like the. What's that song they sing the Days of Christmas? Yeah. We're two days away from that. That means we're on fucking. That means we're on different modes now. Now, you could smoke that joint now you could have that extra drink. It doesn't matter. Nobody's judging you. Everybody's happy that it's the holidays, we made it another year. You know, whether you're broke, you're fucking rich, you don't have money, you're getting by. It's fucking Christmas. And you know what the best Christmases I've had is when I'm broke? Those are the ones that you dig deep. Somebody shows up at Boston Market, turkey, you bump into somebody, they got a Xanax in the bottom of that trunk. Somebody else has a joint their grandmother left over there. And you're like thug at 7 o'clock. I had nothing. Now I got fucking this, that and that. It's not what I wanted, but it's what God gave me. You know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syatt]

I feel like you do. You have like a drug advent calendar that you do like. What do you mean? Like just a different every. What do you mean? I don't. Because it's a Christmas season. We take more edibles every day.

[Joey Diaz]

It's over.

[Lee Syatt]

What is it?

[Joey Diaz]

You put the work in all year.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, but we don't get a put the work.

[Joey Diaz]

And you dealt with Drama. You moved fucking. You had a hell of a year. That's it. It's Miller time, bitch. Okay? And it starts so the last three.

[Lee Syatt]

Weeks of the month are just. I'm just done.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, I got something coming in that's big. Remember in Scarface we have a big mule coming in. We got a mule coming in and that mule's gonna take us straight to the 31st. So this choo choo breaks down and then you ain't gonna see me. I'm gonna do one of those NAD shots like 100 milligrams and get my cellular. Motive combat.

[Lee Syatt]

I have no idea what the fuck you're doing. I'm gona fucking.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm gonna sit in that red light therapy and get my cell cells.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh yeah, you cheated all the time.

[Joey Diaz]

And then I'm back like herpes.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, but you cheated.

[Joey Diaz]

What cheat?

[Lee Syatt]

Every time in la you'd be like, listen, I'm not high at all. And then you do. If I froze and did the therapy and sweat you and I was just sitting there with nothing.

[Joey Diaz]

No, you wouldn't sweat it. You were just throwing edible juice on top of edible juice on top of carnita fries. You know it wasn't good.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, but I.

[Joey Diaz]

You gotta sweat that shit out. You gotta go in that. Like when I go in the red light sauna. That's it? That means I clean my slate. It's like going to confession. Everything that's bad is out of here. Especially if you worked out that day. You got the salt out of here, you got the fatty issues. You go home, you wash that sweat off your fucking body so it doesn't go back in your body. And now when it goes back in your body, if you leave that disgusting sweat on your body with the toxins that came out, eventually the toxins are going to go back in. So you want to go home and wash your pussy, fix your hair nice, scrub a dub dub. Your pores are open now. It's when you do the loofah, you loofah your asshole. I kill that hemorrhoid. I hit it with a hammer. That's it. My hemorrhoid is down to this now. It was like this from the antibiotics and it was like a trapdoor. It was like fucking. I swear to God, I had a shit. And then take the thing and pull it to the side, you would hear it go, no, you didn't, you didn't. I did. Yes, I did.

[Lee Syatt]

But then. And you refused to get preparation age.

[Joey Diaz]

Because how embarrassing is that? They go into CVS and go, where's the preparation age? And then if not now, you gotta figure out how to get that tube up your ass. First of all, which is embarrassing.

[Lee Syatt]

Not that first of all, how big is the cvs? You can just walk around. Second of all, I only had one hemorrhoid in my entire life, which is surprising. But.

[Joey Diaz]

But you got like three sties.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, I got more than three.

[Joey Diaz]

What's the difference? A style.

[Lee Syatt]

I don't have to stick something up my ass for a thigh between a.

[Joey Diaz]

Sty and a hemorrhoid because you have.

[Lee Syatt]

To stick something up your ass and I don't have to pull something up my asshole.

[Joey Diaz]

It's a. Stop. It's a hemorrhoid.

[Lee Syatt]

It's gone in four days.

[Joey Diaz]

A little hemorrhoid on your eye and.

[Lee Syatt]

It'S gone in four days.

[Joey Diaz]

And why? Because you touched that table at Cote leftovers from Wuhan and you pull it in your eye. That's why.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, but then stick something.

[Joey Diaz]

No racism here. I'm just placing the facts. What?

[Lee Syatt]

Not racist. If it's facts, it's. It's actually my favorite bottle that I've seen ever. Like the one time I had a hemorrhoid, that little tip of the preparation age thing, it goes. You don't even feel it.

[Joey Diaz]

That's just. That's what they Always tell you. That's what they told Diddy. That's what they told fucking whatever, Jamie Foxx. That's what they tell them all. You're never going to feel nothing. Nobody will know.

[Lee Syatt]

I don't want to stick it up your ass.

[Joey Diaz]

My phone's in my room. Yeah, nobody's gonna know nothing. Next thing you know, you're in the hospital. You got stitches in your ass, you know, you're fucking looking around your room. You go, what the fuck happened to me? Because don't even tell me that. Why would I drug you unless I'm gonna do something to you? Jamie Foxx got fucked up, dog. They must have fucked that motherfucker up. He was like, fucking Jesus. Don't you go down there messing with them Jews without no money. You know, Think about it. He went to a dirty party. He was out of commission for like three fucking weeks. He was twitching for like two weeks. That's deep. That's a roofie and a half. That's one of those German, Russian roofies. That's one of those Holocaust roofies.

[Lee Syatt]

So he was saying this happened recently because I remember when he went to the hospital.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, he went to the hospital. He came out. Now, supposedly there's stories that he called you. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I just hear little things I don't read. Because whatever the fuck they put on there is bullshit, right? Whatever they put the bullshit, you know, Twitter has become X. What?

[Lee Syatt]

It's called X now.

[Joey Diaz]

X, Ma Mao X. You go on Twitter, it's Alex Jones saying that we're going to get killed on January 20th. They're gonna spray two more viruses on us. It's become, instead of fun, Twitter. There's that one chick still sucking dick on Twitter. God bless. There's one girl that is skinny. She got the ass of a bone like that. She looks like a tripod. She sucks dicks. This fucking big black ones. BBC. That's her fucking code name. BB with BBC.

[Lee Syatt]

Like big leg cock.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. Oh, she sucks dick in England for that radio station.

[Lee Syatt]

And wait, you know this is just because you follow her, right? There's more.

[Joey Diaz]

No, she just appeared on my. Like I follow somebody who sucks dick. I got 11 year old.

[Lee Syatt]

I don't get anyone sucking big black cocks on my.

[Joey Diaz]

This chick, dog. This chick. There's two of them. I have a chub. I have a chubbier one that fucks marines and shit. She just goes, all these young marines and she's like 40 and she fucks all them. She puts pictures. She got abs, but it's all fake. The ass is fake, the abs are fake. The other one, I forget what her fucking name is, dog. Every other day she's putting pictures up of they meet other girls and they just go to a hotel room. She fucking fucks her fans from PayPal. They send like an email. They have to send like a medical exam and she'll fuck you, she'll meet you in a hotel room.

[Lee Syatt]

They pay on PayPal or. What do you mean PayPal?

[Joey Diaz]

The other one where people go in there.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, like only fans.

[Joey Diaz]

Only fans. Okay, PayPal. Did I say PayPal?

[Lee Syatt]

How much does it cost to fuck somebody?

[Joey Diaz]

All right, hold on. We gotta go to a message from our sponsor. We'll be back. Right back. The conversation is heating up. Lee needs to take another edible. We'll be right back. Hey, Uncle Joey here. I know it's the holiday season. This is a stressful time of the year. But chill out with Via has. Has premium THC and THC free gummies that will get you through the holidays and into the new year. Whether you want to get more rest, boost your mood, or just get high and eat like a motherfucker, Via has what you need. Listen, I just took two of these green boys and I've been ready to rock all night, okay? The blue ones are good too. They'll put you on a different planet. Via is organic vegan, the only lifestyle hemp brand out there. They even have thca flower soothing tropicals and calming drops that are all crafted with highest quality hemp and sourced, trusted independent owned American farms. Do me a favor, this holiday season, give yourself with peace of mind. Via. If you're 21, check out the link to Via and in our description, press in the code Joey J O E y to receive 15% off. Who takes care of you like Uncle Joey and Leely? Nobody. They'll ask you where you heard about them. You tell them. You tell them Uncle Joey and Lee sent you there. This holiday season, enhance your everyday with Via, okay? Anyway, we're talking about. I have no idea. Fucking. One of the producers just found a piece of gum on the bottom of Gumshoe over here. He's like a detective from the 60s. They all have like a nail in their shoe and a piece of gum. That's why they call him Gumshoe.

[Lee Syatt]

Is that why?

[Joey Diaz]

No. I don't know.

[Lee Syatt]

I always step in. Do you ever walk around and think you stepped in shit?

[Joey Diaz]

Not really, no. I look at the floor to make Sure. I don't step in shit. Okay.

[Lee Syatt]

How often are you looking at the ground?

[Joey Diaz]

The whole time. First of all, I'm old. I'm always looking at the ground. Cause I might fall. I could fall any fucking minute. My balance is tip top, Magoo. But I gotta work on it.

[Lee Syatt]

Really? What do you do to work on your balance?

[Joey Diaz]

You do strength exercises so you don't fall. You know, my bones get weaker. Now, I've been listening to this lady lately, that sexy lady who talks about your health all the time. Patrick. Whatever. I fucking love her. And the other day, she said, by the time you're 75, you have like 3% of your muscle. But if you start lifting in your 40s and 50s, you'll build a reserve. So when you're 75, muscle is the whole fucking thing. Protein is the whole thing. You ever see when you're 80 and you're soggy? You're not gonna live that long. You know what I'm saying? You gotta be tip top, Magoo.

[Lee Syatt]

What does soggy mean to you?

[Joey Diaz]

You know when you're soggy?

[Lee Syatt]

Like, do they look soggy?

[Joey Diaz]

Like, the way I look, I'm soggy.

[Lee Syatt]

You don't look soggy.

[Joey Diaz]

But the harder you work, you have that muscle, it goes off. Sarcopenia is when your bones start to lose, you know, so it's easier to break bones and shit. So that's what you try to stay around. When I box, I always work on my balance, my footwork, you know, I go to boxing class. Because there's numbers. I know, listen. With the amount of drugs I took and, you know, trauma and hits to the head and nose and there's gonna be dementia. You have to expect it in our time right now. You don't have to. No, everybody else gets it. It's in fucking milk. It's in carrots. I don't know what the fuck it's in, but every time you talk to your grandfather, he don't remember you. And this is more. When I was a kid, everybody remembered everybody. Everybody remembered everybody. They could be a hundred. Oh, you little fucking. Nikki from the bottom of the corner, you used to throw snowballs at the birds, you know?

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

Now you go see these people and they're like, who are you? Who am I?

[Lee Syatt]

Who am I?

[Joey Diaz]

I put the bathrooms in this joint. You know what I'm saying? Who am I?

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, my God. I was just gonna ask you something.

[Joey Diaz]

What were you gonna ask me now?

[Lee Syatt]

I don't know. Fuck, no. We were talking about something. You don't remember what we were talking about?

[Joey Diaz]

Not really.

[Lee Syatt]

God damn it. Oh, Rhonda Patrick.

[Joey Diaz]

Rhonda Patrick, I.

[Lee Syatt]

Because you've. You've worked really hard the last couple years, you were talking about sleep. And that's like, probably the worst thing I have right now.

[Joey Diaz]

Me too.

[Lee Syatt]

I'm just not sleeping. No, at all.

[Joey Diaz]

You're up at 8 in the morning. You're doing. Listen, sorry to tell you. I'm very sorry to tell you. When you do comedy, you don't sleep. The hours just don't add up. Because in your mind, you're like, oh, I gotta be at work at 8. You know, 8 comes quick when you go to bed at 12.

[Lee Syatt]

12.

[Joey Diaz]

And if you go to bed at 12, three nights already, you're carrying that tie in this for Thursday. And when you're a comic, you can't have that.

[Lee Syatt]

It's like two.

[Joey Diaz]

But our thing makes you want to get on stage. You gotta get on stage. You gotta get better. You gotta try this joke. So now, how many times do you go out and go, I'll be home by 10.

[Lee Syatt]

Never.

[Joey Diaz]

And you're walking at 2 in the morning. You never come home at the time. You're gonna think. And that's why comedy has no. You know, that's why once you decide to quit your job to become a professional, then you sleep. You know, you don't have to get up till 9 or 10 then. But again, you don't want to ever get up and miss a call at 9 from somebody.

[Lee Syatt]

No.

[Joey Diaz]

So that was my world. Like, even if you snorted coke till six, you want to snort coke till six, go ahead. In fact, I'll give you an extra package. Snorted till seven, but you better be up at fucking nine. And that's something that nobody. You can't put an alarm for. You have to do it. You have to go, listen, I started till 7:38. Ass. I got to get up at 9 with that. Those fucking sheets come out. Because if somebody gets up before me and they see those sheets and they submit, they might get that role.

[Lee Syatt]

Yep.

[Joey Diaz]

This goes back to basketball. George. George is practicing basketball. I'm sitting here at a wedding with my mother. Fuck you. George is getting better. I'm not. It's.

[Lee Syatt]

You have to think like that sometimes.

[Joey Diaz]

And that's the truth. That's the bot. That's it. When you're doing that type of. When you're a comedian, an artist, you're starting a business. I let these people that start a business and then they want to go to Europe. We're going to Europe. Good. I can't wait. To your employees, rob the shit out of.

[Lee Syatt]

Right?

[Joey Diaz]

Can't wait. Can't fucking wait. Can't wait. There's no vacation. There's no. The kids want to go to Disneyland. Fuck the kids. This summer. They work. They work at the fucking plant, you know, and that's the problem. People forget that. You gotta watch. You gotta stay on top of your game. You gotta stay on top of your shit. And I don't know about you motherfuckers, but I'm to an age right now that I was talking to somebody Friday and they said to me, joey, you fucking stiffed me last week. And I go, what do I mean? They go, you remember we were talking on the phone and you said you called me back that night And I go, my brother, do you think I really. Fuck, I go, first of all, shame on you for sitting at home and waiting for me to call you. If I tell you I'm gonna call you Thursday by seven and fucking, you know, I come home and now my daughter's got braces and her teeth hurt. That's it. That's it. I don't Remember Thursday at 8. And I go, you really think I would blow you up because I didn't know my feelings? I go, dog, and what about your end? You can't pick up the phone and go, joey, weren't we meeting? Oh, I didn't want to bother you. Bother me? If I fucking told you I'm going to do something. Guys, I don't have it anymore. I don't have time. Nick and I were talking yesterday about all this shit in the news. You have to decide when you're my age on what you want to retain. Do I need to retain anything that they talk about? Cnn. Why are they still talking about Kamala Harris? Why are they still talking about all this shit three weeks later? Do I want to retain this? Is that what you want to do, retain this? There's more important things. Like I was telling my brother George, listen, everybody wants to fucking help charities and shit, right? Right? Everybody's always, oh, I donated to the blind. I donate. But in the meanwhile, you got a grandmother that's barely making the money. Why don't you mind your business and stop being a good guy for people and be good to your fucking grandmother. We got a community around us, and that's what we, you know, it's always. And that's part of our problem. We're nice people. We think about other people and shit. But at the same Time, I. What's that thing, you know, when you leave? There's something on my computer where? You don't have enough memory, Joey. Well, guess what? That's what's going on now. You don't have enough memory to retain. And that's not just going on to me, guys. That's happening to you guys. You just don't know it. I mean, you're old enough. And I'm old enough. My brother George, we didn't have this much information. We had abc, NBC, cbs. Fox was a pimple on an ass. They didn't talk about nothing. The first show they had was the Simpsons and Leguizamo. House of Buggin. Nobody remembers Fox. Then they got America's Most Wanted and Married With Children. But, you know, they weren't. We had three ways to get news. And if you wanted to know what happened in North Bergen or New York City. You had to watch eyewitness news. Or 12 or 912 and whatever. Now we have 30,000 fucking news avenues. You go on the computer, you got Yahoo, this, that, Forbes, Bob, Beep, bop, Boop. Not to mention, when I was a kid, I watched Happy Days. I watched the Waltons. That's two days a week, every fucking night. You gotta fucking find a different streaming service. Remember your fucking code. You know? How much shit can you put on your mind before your mind finally goes? It's the law of diminishing returns, you know? That's why you have to do shit now. You have to read about stuff you could do. Like they say, turn off the computer at night. They say, turn off, bro. When I get up in the morning, I do not look at that cell phone. It's not. Nothing is good news on that cell phone. Nothing. In the morning. You have your coffee, you look out your window. Look at that bird. I don't care if you look at the Russian guy pushing the garbage into his backyard. It's a lot better than reading what's on you first thing in the morning.

[Lee Syatt]

Do you ever feel like you're addicted to your phone?

[Joey Diaz]

No, not like that.

[Lee Syatt]

And because you had addiction problems. Like you never feel. Because I. I do a thousand percent. I spend way too much time on my phone. And it's not even like I feel the urge. But if there's ever a second of, like, just silence, you just reach for the phone.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen. In today's society, everybody's addicted to the phone. Everybody complains about people being addicted to the phone. I have a family and I hang out with other kids with families. And this is what you see, when you go to a restaurant, you see the kids rip out the phones, but then the parents rip out the phones, so we got no leg to stand on, Right? You know, the phone was a very great invention, but the more you have a phone, you're like, this wasn't a good idea.

[Lee Syatt]

It was good.

[Joey Diaz]

At a flip phone, this was not a good idea. Because now you have like, when I call you on your cell phone, I don't know about you, I expect to get you on your cell phone. If I call your house, you're in the shower, washing your pussy, you're somewhere, you're out the bodega, whatever the fuck you're doing. But if I call you, when we call your cell phone now, we expect for you to pick up that fucking cell phone. It's in your pocket. Every time I see you, you're on there, right? Every time you see anybody. But then when you call them, they're not around, dog. It's the worst thing in the world because I feel like I gotta pick it up. Cause it's on me. It's fucking on me, guys.

[Lee Syatt]

You know? It is.

[Joey Diaz]

It's on you. So this could be anybody. This could be your daughter. This could be. But there's so many other things on the phone that. The way Instagram, it's taken away, like, you know, Nick and I were talking about specials yesterday. Who watches a whole hour?

[Lee Syatt]

Very rare.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, we listen to long podcasts because we have to drive a truck or deliver ups or whatever, but it could take someone.

[Lee Syatt]

This is gonna be like, what, 90 minutes? This could take someone, in theory, a few days to listen to, you know, when they're driving back and forth or doing something. Some people listen to seven a day, but it's a seven a day.

[Joey Diaz]

I pick and choose. You know, if I see some, a good guest, I want to see something.

[Lee Syatt]

No, but you don't have the lifestyle to listen to seven a day. There's definitely people who do.

[Joey Diaz]

And I wouldn't.

[Lee Syatt]

No, you wouldn't?

[Joey Diaz]

No, because it's like Sunday football. I would love to be able to sit there from 12:30 and sit there till 10:00 at night. Oh, I ate too many wings. Eh? This is what you do every fucking week. I could watch the first quarter of the 1:00 game. The first half. Okay, then I'd like to go for a ride.

[Lee Syatt]

You always say this. What do you do on this ride?

[Joey Diaz]

I call you. I call anybody who missed a call. I call somebody I have to check in with. I Call my agent. I call my other agent. You don't know it's Sunday. You're getting ready for the fucking Monday, Jack.

[Lee Syatt]

So you do this at home.

[Joey Diaz]

Sunday's the Lord's day. But that's till about 1:00, right? Then you watch a little football. Then you take your little nap. You smoke some pot. You give the wife a stabbing. You take a shower and you get up. It's whatever Disney or whatever they used to have when we were kids. The show with the animals. Now I watch a little 60 minutes. And in between that little break between the 8:20 game and whatever, I'll go in the Notebook and get your week going. Come on, it's Sunday, motherfucker. You got a clear head. Let's go. What are we doing? I called Terry in. What are we doing this week? Because I don't have my schedule. Like, I had a complete schedule last night. And she dropped games on me this week and practices and, you know.

[Lee Syatt]

But why do you. I think the drive is interesting because I like driving. But, like, why not just make those calls at home?

[Joey Diaz]

Because I have a wife and a kid and I love my wife to death. But I told you this a couple weeks ago. I could be sitting there all morning playing fucking wheel of fortune. DraftKings will have like some casino thing and I'll go on it. I'm losing. I lose like 40 bucks in dollar bills, you know? Right? I usually take 50 and play $50. And then if I win, I get the points. I'm a fucking. You know, I'm down to my $48 and I just hit a jackpot. That's when my wife shows up as I'm hitting the three wheels. You know how many times she does this? Every fucking day. I could sit downstairs just writing for 25 minutes, not hear a fucking peep. And all of a sudden I go, it's 10 o'clock. I gotta call Nick. I gotta call this guy. I gotta call this guy. I gotta call my agent. And that first fucking call. There she is. Now she has to put a load of laundry in. She couldn't have done it all morning. Dan, it's upstairs. Then she forgot to bring the stock down. So that's another trip down. Then what are you doing? Then you get that. What are you doing? And then they go up again. And then it's another load down and up and down. So that's why in the mornings, I do everything. I do. She leaves for work. I eat breakfast. I wash my pussy. I'm out by 9. 15. I walk into that gym and I ride the bike for 30 minutes. I do like a hiit workout. I got it all the way up to 12. Now I stretch. Depending on what my day calls for. I either stay there or I go to the boxing gym. But in between that, I park in the corner of my parking lot. I get a bottle of water, a pack of nicotine gum and a half a number. And I call all you motherfuckers. And that's how you do it. So nobody could bother me. Nobody has to ask me a question. You've been here for an hour. You've been sitting in that chair for a fucking hour. An hour you've been sitting in that chair. And all of a sudden I gotta make a call. And now you want to talk about fucking Tuesday of next week or whatever. And it never fails. I love my wife. I'm very fortunate that she goes up and down, up and down. I could be unfortunate. I don't have a wife that goes up and down, up and down. But at the same fucking time it never ends. Mercy is a half a pain in the ass, maybe a quarter. She's not, not bad at all.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay?

[Joey Diaz]

Mercy's a quick. Mercy's like her father. This is what I gotta tell you. Now if you. I don't wanna sit here. I'm going back up to my room. My wife again last night. Terry, did you see that? I didn't see it. I'm going to bed, okay? As soon as she says going to bed, bed doesn't come out of her mouth. I already pop up from my chair and walk towards my office. That means good night. I sit at my desk, I turn the computer on. Four or five minutes pass. She's still. She just told me she's going to bed. Then I see her walking and all of a sudden as she's about to go up the stairs, something happens on the tv. And she looks at it for another two minutes. Meanwhile I'm sitting there ready to fucking write a novel, ready to write jokes, ready to get the party started. And then she'll come in and tell me something like. Did I tell you about the whatever's kid? They insulted me the other day and I thought you were going the fucking bed again. I could be sitting on the chair at 4:30 like this, with my feet up, no socks, no sneakers on. I got the blankie, I got the cat. I'm not a TV doer. But it's 4:30, I got nothing else to do. I already did everything I had to do. I'LL be sitting there. There they do. There's my wife. Okay, so I'm gonna go to Starbucks and then I'm gonna stop at Loboti's. Okay, Love you. See you in a while. You hear the garage door open. You hear the garage door close. I pull my phone out. Let me call Nick. First minute the garage door is opening up. Oh, I forgot my cell phone. Dog, you have no idea. Like, I would never lift my hand to my wife, but when she comes back, but she forgets her cell phone or something like that, my blood pressure. And I told her, from now on, when you forget something, don't come back. Because now my mind is onto a different headset. It's like when I go, yo, Lee, I'll meet you @ Rudy's at 7:30, right? Okay, what was I gonna say? I forget now what's.

[Lee Syatt]

What would, like, change your mindset or like.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, okay. I text you, are you hungry?

[Lee Syatt]

Right?

[Joey Diaz]

And you text me, yeah. And I go, 7:30, Rudy's. And you say, yeah, that's the end of the conversation, right? Don't text me again. That's it. Don't hit me in 10 seconds. Because once I put that phone in my pocket and that phone hits again and I pray this ain't leak, because then I got to say something to him. It's usually somebody else. Thank God if it's that person again. I have a buddy. I call and it's, you can't text them because it's yes, no bye. All of a sudden, you get four fucking more texts, one every four minutes to really aggravate me. Like. And then it takes a breather. That takes a breath. I'm fucking ready.

[Lee Syatt]

I thought you used to be upset with just voicemails. You're a new level of like, oh.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm telling you, it's over. I don't have the patience for the nonsense no more. You know, I go to a restaurant. It's my favorite fucking restaurant, right? I go in there for a year, nobody talks to me. Obviously, I become friends with some of the patrons and the owners, and I really like them when the place has, like every time the place is packed and I'm talking to the owner of something, five kids. Like, the place will be three deep at the bar. The DJ will be back there. They listen to that Jersey music, that fucking. Aw. And all these Jersey housewives. I'm international. No, you're not. It's some fucking chick who's telling you she's a gypsy. It's all bullshit and they're dancing back there. That's always, like, five kids. Hi, Mr. Diaz. Can we take a picture? Listen, do me a favor. And they just don't understand that. They don't understand that. It's not that I'm being a dick. This is the problem. You have 200 other idiots in there. You five idiots are going to come over. I'm going to take a picture with each of you. You're going to give me the same ear beating. We love you. I'm Rogan. Okay? And then you're going to walk away, and you got. You're happy. You got your little fucking picture. Now guess what? This fucking person I was telling my life story to. Now our night is ruined because everybody who saw me taking the pictures with you is going to come up to me. So when you are on your way home, I'm getting tortured to the point where on the back of my mind, I go, why do I even go out?

[Lee Syatt]

Really? Is that that much?

[Joey Diaz]

There's certain nights where you go there, and it's older people. They don't bother you, but there's certain nights you go in. I wanted that three weeks ago. With mercy. After Wicked. I'm tripping on fucking mushrooms. Yeah. I'm out of water. I got a pee. I go, let me go in there. I go in two kids. Right away, midnight. Hi. Are you Joe Diaz? No, I'm Aaron Rodgers. Come on. You look like Mr. Diaz. I mean, dog. I know. I shook both the hands. I said, not right now. I'm with my daughter. Plus, I'm tripping on mushrooms. Anybody else would say thank you. What made you move to New Jersey? Are you still doing comedy? When are you gonna be on Rogan? What did I just fucking tell you? Take a hike. Look at my eyeballs. They're spinning like the inside of a fucking wheel of fortune. From the mushrooms and from seeing a black chick that's green and Wicked. I'm still fucking annoyed and fucking. You want to come up to me and ask me these dumb questions at midnight? Meanwhile, they're coked up. That's the problem. They. And you could tell they're not ready for coke. These are two little fags. They're still on the vapor pen level. Oh, my God, there's vapor.

[Lee Syatt]

Ha ha ha.

[Joey Diaz]

Don't drink wine with it. Don't eat cereal with it. Lee sees it all the time when people give me edibles. Be careful. And Lee's like, it's fucking jamoke. And then we. There's a guy that came to me. I Started an edible company. These are really strong. The idiot I was telling the way here, he gives me a sheet. It's 100 milligrams. But it's the 100 milligrams. Everybody who says it says it's the 100 milligrams strongest they've ever had in their life. Okay? Right in front of him, I took the thing out and I go, this. And I just ate it. He got fucking pale. The dude's like, I don't want to be responsible. I go, no, no, no. He goes, you should take these when you're home. You shouldn't take these when you need to drive. I called him two hours later. I go, listen, don't you ever call me again with that fenoic fucking edible. What the fuck is wrong with you? You know? What the fuck is wrong with you people? He was petrified. At least been there. Be careful. Be careful with that cookie, okay? Thank you for telling me this. Meanwhile, you've been smoking dope for three fucking years, Jamoki, right?

[Lee Syatt]

And people, like. I'm surprised people still say that to you. For me, like, they just see me fucked up. And I get it. I am fucked up. But I'm also on, like, tonight, like, 300 milligrams. If you give me a 10 milligram edible, I'm not gonna feel it.

[Joey Diaz]

No.

[Lee Syatt]

So it's like.

[Joey Diaz]

It's like three grams of mushrooms. That's like.

[Lee Syatt]

That's.

[Joey Diaz]

That's an teeth for me. Like that. Like tonight, I look to see how much they mushrooms I had at perfect.3 grams. I'm like, leave this at home. Why even this is a waste of. This will just be a little jiggle. This will bury you. This will bury the regular human being.

[Lee Syatt]

Three grams.

[Joey Diaz]

I gave you two and a half at that fucking. At that open mic. And you were like, it's getting hot in here. I kept throwing ice cubes at him.

[Lee Syatt]

And shit in there. You were throwing. That was a fun night.

[Joey Diaz]

But, yeah, all those mushrooms hit us like a fucking right punch to the head. We were up, fucked up. I walked in there. Joey, Joey. Not tonight, guys. Savior's life story tonight. Two guys. Can you get me on Rogan? And some guy came up to me at the restaurant the other night. He's like, I don't mean to bother you, but that's the best line I heard all year. And I go, what? He goes, I was there the night in Freehold at the open mic, the big room, when you went up, and you're like, listen, I know. He goes, you went up there and said, first off, put your fucking phones away. I don't want to see your fucking phone. This is comedy. And you could see a lot of people's faces. Drop, put your phones in your pocket. This ain't no secret agent movie. And number two, I know your kid's very talented. He probably plays the bass at the school band, you know, but guess what? I can't get him on Rogan, so don't fucking ask. Cause I had a bunch of those the last couple months. I never told you no. Oh, yeah, my kid's talented. He got a 4.0 on his. Listen, I can't do nothing for you. I swear to God, I get those, and those are the best. I love you idiots. You know, my husband just fell downstairs. Some ladies wrote me like a two page Facebook. Her husband fell on the stairs. They put a metal cap on him. You know, he's getting fucking radio. I don't even know. I stopped after a minute because, you know, this is. And then I just look at the bottom. If you could tell Mr. Rogan to call us. We love to explain what NASA did to my kid's eye. Listen, you know, it's. If I call Joe and refer Lee, he won't put Lee on. But if he calls me and says, what do you think of Lee? And I go, lee's great. He'll put, Leon, these people think that you could just call these people and go, yeah, I had my friend's fucking wife never talk to me again because she wanted me to put her friend on. This book explains all the mysteries of life, you know. But she lives in fucking Burbank.

[Lee Syatt]

You know what I'm saying, Dude, one of the hardest. I laughed because we took some mushrooms yesterday and we were out to eat, and this person came up to you and I don't know with this specific one, but I've heard it happen to you a few times. Someone's like, hey, I was just with so and so, and they really want you on their podcast and they think it'll be great. We should. You're nicer than I would expect you to be. But, like, the idea of, like, I'm just so jealous of people who would have the balls to be like, hey, I get a hundred views. I think Joey should be on this. Like that. That's crazy. Like, people.

[Joey Diaz]

People don't know. People think you're gonna go on that podcast to save it. They have no idea. This probably worse for your podcast because if you get that spike, what goes up comes down. Like A motherfucker. Quickly. So you always want to work. And I tell people right now when they call me, I'm like, listen, here's the situation. First of all, you're an hour away. That's two hours out of my day. That's two plus the hour that we talk shit before we do it. And I know your neighbor's gonna come over by mistake. Oh my God, it's Joey Diaz. I know. I already know. Before we even do this, I already know you're going to have a drop in and I'm have to talk to that fucking idiot for 10 minutes. You know, this is just. You already know. And you look at it and you go, what is my benefit to three and a half hours? Now you're there for other comics, you're there for other podcasters. But I'm not 28 no more. You know, I got to take a nap at 3:00. I go down in the afternoon for 45 minutes, 50 minutes. You know, those days of now the indica. I start smoking at 6:30, my daughter leaves at 7:10. I'm already high by 7:20 in the morning. What did you do today? Do you know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syatt]

Right? So it's. Yeah, but I can't believe people would ask you to get.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, that's part of the business. We used to ask people, uncle Joey here, yet again, if you can't hop on a plane to see your loved ones this holiday, the next big thing is to give them his Aura frames. Aura frames are the digital picture frames that are super easy to use. Just upload a picture of your family or whatever. You got videos directly from your phone to your frame. You can even order your frame online and preload it with photos and videos using the Aura app. So it'll be ready to go right away. Named number one. Number one, not number two. One digital photo frame by Wirecutter. And you can't go wrong with them. Listen, I love my frame. I gave it to my wife. She put a bunch of pictures in there. Red people, I don't know, hillbillies, whatever she does now with the unlimited number of uploads and the Aura Frames will be the gift that keeps giving. You know why? Because you can look at your family or your loved ones day after day after day. So do yourself a favor, save on the perfect gift by visiting Aura Frames right now. Right now. I want you to go to Aura Frames. Save on the perfect gift by visiting auraframes.com to get $35 off Aura's best selling Carver Matte frames. Beautiful. By using promo code Joey. J, O, E, Y at checkout, that's auraframes.com promo code, Joey. This deal is inclusive to listeners, so get yours now in time for the holidays. Your family's gonna love these frames. They're tremendous. My wife's been jumping up and down since she got them and so will yours. Thank you for supporting the church New Testament. And don't forget, get your Aura frames.com promo code Joey. Okay, we were talking about something. How to get up and pee in the bathroom. I told Lee, remember what we're talking about? Let me just go pee real quick. I'm in the bathroom not 10. I didn't even close the door. And I got. I heard a lot of yakin out here. A lot more than, you know, yakin and giggling and things moving and feet moving. They just can't leave shit where the fuck they are. I come out here, it was a long pee, but I come out here. And all four of them, like, we don't know what you. Yeah, he remembered. But these fucking. Yeah. Now we learned our lesson. That's excessive information.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

We don't need it. I don't care. Listen, leave the fucking stool how it is. Burn the fucking thing. If there's gum on his shoe, leave it there. He should have cleaned it off before. It don't matter. We dig, everybody.

[Lee Syatt]

I dig.

[Joey Diaz]

Now you understand where I'm coming from, you fucking animals. We only have so much space, like your fucking computer. It's over because the bullshit.

[Lee Syatt]

So that's why you have the rules that you have. You could also just smoke a little bit less.

[Joey Diaz]

Smoke a little bit less what?

[Lee Syatt]

Weed. I don't know.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't smoke a lot of weed. No. I just smoke weed to prepare me for, you know. And I'm a positive guy. I wake up every morning going, it's gonna be a fucking great day today. I'm gonna stab a motherfucker. I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna do this. I'm going to try to make some money. And there's always a curveball. And how we react to that curveball is how the rest of the fucking day goes. But after a while, you already know. Like, once you. I'm high. When I go to the gym, I'm very high and I'm very calm. I slip in, I say, good morning. That's it. I got on the bike and we always have ESPN on, which helps our cause, so I could pay attention what happened. And I sit there and I wait, now I'm doing hits on the bike, which is 30 seconds of like 10, and then 30 seconds of six, and then I'll go back up to seven, you know, and I gotta memorize this shit. But then again, there's always that one person that wants to come over, start chit chatting with me. You know how many times I almost die? I run out of oxygen because. And I'm like, you gotta go. And then they want to stand here, which. I got a fucked up left eye, whatever. So once I forgot to look this way. I can start getting vertigo. It's like when you're in a bar and the TVs there and people want to give you an ear beating. You got about 10 seconds. 10 seconds. Cause I'm not gonna sit like this the whole afternoon. Really. Your father was a cop. I don't give a fuck. We're at the bar, there's a bunch of women, there's a bunch of people. Everybody's watching the football game. You wanna tell me a fucking life story? Now I gotta sit like this the whole fucking. Think about that shit? Nobody thinks about that shit.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, it does piss you off.

[Joey Diaz]

It fucking like simple things. So when I, you know, I go to the gym and right away, like today, I went to the gym. Nice gym. I love the people. But there's two people there, you know, they come in and you see Moana. They're 40 years old. They talked about Moana for a fucking half hour, doing their thing. Moana too, that we didn't see. Moana1. Are you fucking crazy? Moana? Jews are fighting in Syria and you're talking about fucking Moana? Are you fucking crazy? It's a chatty gym. They're older, so it's a very, like. People will stop and talk to each other. They stop. They got like two seconds, what's up? And I don't insult them. I just keep working out while they're talking to me. I don't have the time. What do you want to talk about? We're in the fucking gym, you know? I don't know how many times. I don't know if this happened to anybody lately. Have you been to a men's room lately? There's always a jerk off in there on the phone. But on the camera phone, what? Like talking to another jerk off. Like, yeah, I'm here, I'm hearing fucking Burger brothers. And yeah, it's rotten. Like in the last month, two bathrooms. I've gone in, there's two jerseys. And men not fucking kids. Men on A fucking cell phone doing audio. Yeah, I told them that. I'll pick them up after the game. Dog, get that fucking video off. We just. Somewhere. We just went to. Somebody had a fucking. Maybe Jersey City, one of those places. I had to look at somebody and go, you gotta get the camera out of the bathroom. He was at the urinal with his dick in one hand. With his other fucking hand. You know, I can't do it. Now you want to ask me why I smoke dope? Anyway, listen, it was a fun podcast. We talked a lot of shit. We're high as fuck. And guess what, motherfuckers? The church is back, whether you like it or not. So we're here every fucking Tuesday morning, ready to rock. You tell them where you at this weekend, Lee?

[Lee Syatt]

This week I'm with Josh Wolf in New Jersey, Delaware, Pennsylvania, the 11th through the 14th. Check it out, Josh. Comedian Josh Wolfe dot com. Newark, New Jersey. Red Bank, Newark and Wilmington, Delaware. Wilmington, Delaware. Easton, Pennsylvania.

[Joey Diaz]

And I'll be at the Stress Factory Wednesday night. It's sold out. Do not go to any of the sites and pay any amount of money more than $30 if you do. You're a momo and I'd be really upset with you. I want to thank all our sponsors, and I want to thank you guys for giving us another chance on a Tuesday morning. And I want to thank Nikki Pork Chops for bringing some Fiores straight out of Hoboken. They've been there for how long, dog? 80 years. 80 years. Jesus was there. What the fuck have you done lately? I want to thank the head technician, George Kadinsky, and fucking my brother, Nick McIntosh. Apples. He's Apple. You ever meet that guy, Hugh Apples McIntosh? He was a gangster with the Columbos, but he couldn't be made because he was Irish. See, you always learn something good on here.

[Lee Syatt]

Where would I meet this guy?

[Joey Diaz]

He died. I don't fucking know. What the fuck is wrong with you? I love you cocksuckers. See you next week. What's happening, you savages? The Church New Testament today is brought to you by Blue Chew. Listen, some people want a hippopotamus for Christmas. Some people just want a big, strong, firmer dick. If you're ready to get it on this Christmas, you need Blue Chew. Blue Chew is an online service that sends a chewable form of the same active ingredients as Viagra Cialis at a huge discount like your little helmet's gonna get. When you take Blue Chew, just sign up on their website, talk to one of the licensed medical providers and once you're approved, you'll get your prescription within days. So listen, I forgot my little package. I always have a little package with me. I take it on the way home, so when Mama's ready. But that's none of your goddamn business. The tablets are made in the usa, shipped straight to your door. Not even the mailman knows what's going on. So discover your [e-mail] and Uncle Joey got a special deal for you today. Try Blue Chew, Lee. Tell them free. Just pay $5 in shipping at checkout when you visit bluechew.com and I'll say it again, it's for free. Just pay me $5 for shipping checkout when you visit BlueChew.com again, that's BlueChew.com to receive your first month on the arm. Visit BlueChew.com for more details and important safety information. I also want to thank Bluetooth for sponsoring the show and making you guys into young Marines.