The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament
Episode: Joey Diaz did donuts in a hearse!
Date: December 16, 2025
Host: Joey Coco Diaz
Co-host: Lee Syatt
Location: Live from NYC

Episode Overview

This episode captures Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt in their signature unfiltered style, riffing on the chaotic lead-up to Christmas, the travails and wisdom of age, cross-country travel, their love for California’s donuts, and—most colorfully—Joey’s unmatched penchant for torturing friends, loved ones, and even strangers, all in the name of humor. Expect wide-ranging anecdotes, deep dives into family tradition, professional honesty about aging in showbiz, and a memorable tale about doing donuts in a hearse in Hudson County Park.

Major Discussion Themes

1. The Agony and Comedy of the Holiday Season

• Joey opens with a classic rant on how Christmas is more punishing than New Year's:

  “Some people like to jump up and down on New Year's. That don't mean dick. Countdown Christmas, it's even more painful.” (00:08)

• The two riff on how the year resets and the monotony of counting “51 more Mondays until Christmas.” (00:41)
• Joey laments the mid-December ennui:

  “It's a beautiful day to be alive here. I mean, what's going on here today? Nothing.” (00:48)

2. Air Travel: Age, Wisdom, & Suffering

• Lee describes his travel woes and attempts at smart booking, sparking Joey's practical outlook:

  “You ain't got time to waste in this life, dog. I wasted 30 years. If I would have had those 30 years, forget about it…” (04:35) “In today's airline system…I know that 6am it's going to be a motherfucker to cancel it.” (04:57)

• Both reminisce about travel fatigue, changing bodies, and the sheer hassle of modern airports, especially in winter.

3. Donuts, California, and Nostalgia

• They bond over the unique quality of California donuts, especially Yum Yum Donuts, lamenting the inferiority of East Coast options:

  “How can both of us, two mid-sized chubby dudes, miss the donuts in California? How the fuck is that possible?” (09:35)

• Joey and Lee agree that Koreans and Mexicans in California push donut-making “over the top”—so good you “want to stab yourself when you eat one.” (10:19)

4. The Challenges of Aging & Family Traditions

• Joey shares his transition from LA back to Jersey, noting how all his grand plans faded once he settled:

  “All these plans I had on that plane…once I got here, I saw what time it was and I'm like, oh, shit…I've been living in a fucking time warp in my brain, right?” (24:00)

• On shoveling snow as a family event:

  “It takes 10 minutes. And it's a family thing. I did it as a family thing…We took a picture at the end. My three fucking friends. I didn't post it up on Instagram because it's a family fucking thing.” (16:21)

5. Nostalgia, Regret, and Accepting Change

• Joey reflects on his days in California and Boulder, and why he resists returning to old haunts:

  “I've been chasing ghosts all my life, okay?... You can't go back. You just going to shoot yourself in the leg. I did my time in there.” (29:33)

• He shares the realization that old environments no longer fit, cautioning against trying to relive past glories.

6. The Joy (and Art) of Torturing Friends

• Joey expounds on his lifelong game of psychological torture—harmlessly tormenting friends and family:

  “If I know you for a while, I start to study you…That's a gift that you'll never really have with people. But I learned that growing up…” (95:52)

• Anecdotes range from moving money to confuse his stepfather, to eating Mentos during comedy shows to annoy colleagues, to faking connections with drug dealers and sending friends on wild goose chases (77:08, 75:39).
• On breaking people:

  “After you torture them, now they start torturing themselves…You just paid me rent. I just moved into your head for fucking free.” (110:10)

• Classic line on his “gift”:

  “I'm a professional thief. Guys, I'm going to count how many seconds it takes you to get to that place…” (89:51)

7. Scattered Anecdotes & Advice

• Joey recounts spinning donuts in a hearse on ice in Hudson County Park:

  “I have done spinning things in that park…with a fucking car.” (20:30)

• Candid talk about professional decline and accepting less:

  “I don't want to be the douchebag, like, making all the guys feel bad and bumping them…” (32:36)

• The importance of sticking to routines, even as life and bodies change.

Memorable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• On aging and not wasting time:
  “I'm telling you, this is a 63 year old man. You ain't got time to waste in this life, dog…You stick to that system because it's a proven fucking mule.” —Joey (04:35)

• Comparing CA and NJ donuts:
  “You got Dunkin Donuts they made in a fucking factory behind an Amazon…how can both of us, two mid-sized chubby dudes, miss the donuts in California?” —Joey (09:35)

• On snow, fatherhood, family:
  “It was 30 minutes of our time. I didn't have a heart attack. And it's a family thing. We took a picture at the end. My three fucking friends.” —Joey (16:21)

• Reflecting on his move:
  “All these plans I had on that plane…once I got here, I saw what time it was and I'm like, oh, shit. I've been living in a fucking time warp in my brain…” —Joey (24:00)

• On returning to LA or Boulder:
  “Come on, man. I would love to go back to California…But…you can't go back. You just going to shoot yourself in the leg.” —Joey (29:29)

• The “torturer” ethos:
  “I'm a professional thief. Guys, I'm going to count how many seconds it takes you to get to that play.” —Joey (89:51)
  “After you torture them, now they start torturing themselves…You just paid me rent. I just moved into your head for fucking free.” —Joey (110:10)

• On manipulating family and friends:
  “For me to see your reactions, dog. Trust me when I'm telling you, I could torture you by not saying a word.” (66:00)

• Lee, amazed:
  “But you have like persistence and creativity…I’ve never seen anyone torture anybody like you.” —Lee (79:53)

Notable Segments & Timestamps

• [04:35] Joey’s Air Travel Philosophy
• [09:35] The Donut Discussion: LA vs. NJ
• [12:26] Early Morning Snow Panic & Family Shoveling
• [16:21] On Family Traditions vs. Outsourcing Work
• [20:30] Joey’s Donuts-in-a-Hearse Story
• [24:00] Nostalgia and Reality of Moving Back
• [29:33] Rules on Returning to Former Glory
• [36:56] If Joey Went Back to LA — How’d He Do It
• [62:58] The Dream Retirement Job: Casino Host
• [75:05] Mentos Comedy Torture Story
• [77:08] The Legendary Wild Goose Coke Dealer Story
• [89:51] Professional Thief—Counting Seconds
• [95:52] Studying People and Anticipating Moves
• [110:10] Joey Moves Into Your Head "for Free"

Tone and Style

The episode is classic Joey Diaz—raucous, sharply observant, and often lovingly profane. Diaz moves effortlessly from the philosophical to the gutter, with Lee as his wide-eyed, patient foil. Underneath the jokes, there are bittersweet ruminations on aging, memory, the cost of ambition, and the importance of sticking to what matters now. Joey’s “psychological torture” stories walk the line between menace and affection, highlighting his deep knowledge of human nature.

Conclusion

“Joey Diaz Did Donuts in a Hearse!” is an episode about time: not wasting it, dealing with its effects, and learning how to play with it—whether through family rituals, reminiscing about old times, or cooking up schemes to keep loved ones guessing. It’s fast, personal, vulgar, honest, and, above all, very, very funny.

Joey’s Farewell Words:
“I love you motherfuckers. Thank you very much for watching and we'll see you next week, same time, same bat channel…Happy holidays!” (112:54)