Joey Diaz did donuts in a hearse!

Summary

The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament
Episode: Joey Diaz did donuts in a hearse!
Date: December 16, 2025
Host: Joey Coco Diaz
Co-host: Lee Syatt
Location: Live from NYC

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Episode Overview

This episode captures Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt in their signature unfiltered style, riffing on the chaotic lead-up to Christmas, the travails and wisdom of age, cross-country travel, their love for California’s donuts, and—most colorfully—Joey’s unmatched penchant for torturing friends, loved ones, and even strangers, all in the name of humor. Expect wide-ranging anecdotes, deep dives into family tradition, professional honesty about aging in showbiz, and a memorable tale about doing donuts in a hearse in Hudson County Park.

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Major Discussion Themes

1. The Agony and Comedy of the Holiday Season

• Joey opens with a classic rant on how Christmas is more punishing than New Year's:

  “Some people like to jump up and down on New Year's. That don't mean dick. Countdown Christmas, it's even more painful.” (00:08)

• The two riff on how the year resets and the monotony of counting “51 more Mondays until Christmas.” (00:41)
• Joey laments the mid-December ennui:

  “It's a beautiful day to be alive here. I mean, what's going on here today? Nothing.” (00:48)

2. Air Travel: Age, Wisdom, & Suffering

• Lee describes his travel woes and attempts at smart booking, sparking Joey's practical outlook:

  “You ain't got time to waste in this life, dog. I wasted 30 years. If I would have had those 30 years, forget about it…” (04:35) “In today's airline system…I know that 6am it's going to be a motherfucker to cancel it.” (04:57)

• Both reminisce about travel fatigue, changing bodies, and the sheer hassle of modern airports, especially in winter.

3. Donuts, California, and Nostalgia

• They bond over the unique quality of California donuts, especially Yum Yum Donuts, lamenting the inferiority of East Coast options:

  “How can both of us, two mid-sized chubby dudes, miss the donuts in California? How the fuck is that possible?” (09:35)

• Joey and Lee agree that Koreans and Mexicans in California push donut-making “over the top”—so good you “want to stab yourself when you eat one.” (10:19)

4. The Challenges of Aging & Family Traditions

• Joey shares his transition from LA back to Jersey, noting how all his grand plans faded once he settled:

  “All these plans I had on that plane…once I got here, I saw what time it was and I'm like, oh, shit…I've been living in a fucking time warp in my brain, right?” (24:00)

• On shoveling snow as a family event:

  “It takes 10 minutes. And it's a family thing. I did it as a family thing…We took a picture at the end. My three fucking friends. I didn't post it up on Instagram because it's a family fucking thing.” (16:21)

5. Nostalgia, Regret, and Accepting Change

• Joey reflects on his days in California and Boulder, and why he resists returning to old haunts:

  “I've been chasing ghosts all my life, okay?... You can't go back. You just going to shoot yourself in the leg. I did my time in there.” (29:33)

• He shares the realization that old environments no longer fit, cautioning against trying to relive past glories.

6. The Joy (and Art) of Torturing Friends

• Joey expounds on his lifelong game of psychological torture—harmlessly tormenting friends and family:

  “If I know you for a while, I start to study you…That's a gift that you'll never really have with people. But I learned that growing up…” (95:52)

• Anecdotes range from moving money to confuse his stepfather, to eating Mentos during comedy shows to annoy colleagues, to faking connections with drug dealers and sending friends on wild goose chases (77:08, 75:39).
• On breaking people:

  “After you torture them, now they start torturing themselves…You just paid me rent. I just moved into your head for fucking free.” (110:10)

• Classic line on his “gift”:

  “I'm a professional thief. Guys, I'm going to count how many seconds it takes you to get to that place…” (89:51)

7. Scattered Anecdotes & Advice

• Joey recounts spinning donuts in a hearse on ice in Hudson County Park:

  “I have done spinning things in that park…with a fucking car.” (20:30)

• Candid talk about professional decline and accepting less:

  “I don't want to be the douchebag, like, making all the guys feel bad and bumping them…” (32:36)

• The importance of sticking to routines, even as life and bodies change.

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Memorable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• On aging and not wasting time:
  “I'm telling you, this is a 63 year old man. You ain't got time to waste in this life, dog…You stick to that system because it's a proven fucking mule.” —Joey (04:35)

• Comparing CA and NJ donuts:
  “You got Dunkin Donuts they made in a fucking factory behind an Amazon…how can both of us, two mid-sized chubby dudes, miss the donuts in California?” —Joey (09:35)

• On snow, fatherhood, family:
  “It was 30 minutes of our time. I didn't have a heart attack. And it's a family thing. We took a picture at the end. My three fucking friends.” —Joey (16:21)

• Reflecting on his move:
  “All these plans I had on that plane…once I got here, I saw what time it was and I'm like, oh, shit. I've been living in a fucking time warp in my brain…” —Joey (24:00)

• On returning to LA or Boulder:
  “Come on, man. I would love to go back to California…But…you can't go back. You just going to shoot yourself in the leg.” —Joey (29:29)

• The “torturer” ethos:
  “I'm a professional thief. Guys, I'm going to count how many seconds it takes you to get to that play.” —Joey (89:51)
  “After you torture them, now they start torturing themselves…You just paid me rent. I just moved into your head for fucking free.” —Joey (110:10)

• On manipulating family and friends:
  “For me to see your reactions, dog. Trust me when I'm telling you, I could torture you by not saying a word.” (66:00)

• Lee, amazed:
  “But you have like persistence and creativity…I’ve never seen anyone torture anybody like you.” —Lee (79:53)

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Notable Segments & Timestamps

• [04:35] Joey’s Air Travel Philosophy
• [09:35] The Donut Discussion: LA vs. NJ
• [12:26] Early Morning Snow Panic & Family Shoveling
• [16:21] On Family Traditions vs. Outsourcing Work
• [20:30] Joey’s Donuts-in-a-Hearse Story
• [24:00] Nostalgia and Reality of Moving Back
• [29:33] Rules on Returning to Former Glory
• [36:56] If Joey Went Back to LA — How’d He Do It
• [62:58] The Dream Retirement Job: Casino Host
• [75:05] Mentos Comedy Torture Story
• [77:08] The Legendary Wild Goose Coke Dealer Story
• [89:51] Professional Thief—Counting Seconds
• [95:52] Studying People and Anticipating Moves
• [110:10] Joey Moves Into Your Head "for Free"

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Tone and Style

The episode is classic Joey Diaz—raucous, sharply observant, and often lovingly profane. Diaz moves effortlessly from the philosophical to the gutter, with Lee as his wide-eyed, patient foil. Underneath the jokes, there are bittersweet ruminations on aging, memory, the cost of ambition, and the importance of sticking to what matters now. Joey’s “psychological torture” stories walk the line between menace and affection, highlighting his deep knowledge of human nature.

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Conclusion

“Joey Diaz Did Donuts in a Hearse!” is an episode about time: not wasting it, dealing with its effects, and learning how to play with it—whether through family rituals, reminiscing about old times, or cooking up schemes to keep loved ones guessing. It’s fast, personal, vulgar, honest, and, above all, very, very funny.

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Joey’s Farewell Words:
“I love you motherfuckers. Thank you very much for watching and we'll see you next week, same time, same bat channel…Happy holidays!” (112:54)

Transcript

[Joey Diaz]

What's happening? Beautiful people. Uncle Joey here with the Jewish Cato Lee Syed for another fun filled episode of the Church of. What's happening Now, New Testament. It's Tuesday the 16th of December. That's it. You got one more Monday left before Christ. We've been, we've been counting them down. Some people like to jump up and down on New Year's. That don't mean dick. Okay. Countdown. Christmas, it's even more painful. It's like how they got Jesus. They, they stabbed him in the stomach, then they stabbed him in the hand. You know, it's, it's, it's a less subtle. But anyway, the Christmas season is finally here.

[Lee Syed]

Yeah. But January 1st, you're going to say 51 weeks left until Christmas.

[Joey Diaz]

51 more Mondays left till Christmas, Jack. Then we start all over again.

[Lee Syed]

It never ends.

[Joey Diaz]

But it's a beautiful day to be alive here. I mean, what's going on here today? Nothing.

[Lee Syed]

Not a thing.

[Joey Diaz]

Not a thing.

[Lee Syed]

I was, I was. I've been busy.

[Joey Diaz]

I know you've been busy. You've been flying, getting stuck on planes, sitting in coach in the middle.

[Lee Syed]

Can we have a timer? I think it took like 46 seconds into this podcast that it got brought. Dude, the problem I have with you is you yell at me now before you even call me. Because as soon as something, as soon as anything happens, I'm like, all right, Joey's going to say that. And you say, I got to be honest, I could, I could AI. I could write a script as Joey Diaz. And first of all, I was not in the middle. But yeah, I took a one o' clock flight and that's.

[Joey Diaz]

Hold on, hold on, hold on. We got a sponsor up tight real quick. This is going to be a deep conversation. So we're going to be right back. We'll be back in two minutes. Happy holidays. Uncle Joe are here. Listen, fellas, it's time to level up your big dick game. Bluechew just dropped Blue Chew Gold. Listen, Blue Chew Gold is a 4 in 1 tablet with the mix of key ingredients, increased blood flow, arousal. Blue Chew Gold dissolves under your tongue. It works in as little as 15 minutes. You don't have to wait there like a fucking MOOC, you know. Listen, this stuff is tremendous. It said 15 minutes. All you got to do is think of what that monkey looks like and that fucking soldier will be pop up and be at attention. That helmet will be nice and pink, just how they like it. You know what I'm saying? Medium rare. Yeah, get your confidence back In a single tablet. Make life easier by getting harder. Discover your [e-mail] It's December, you understand me? New Year's is coming. Christmas is coming. Everybody wants a Christmas present. You're going to give them the best Christmas present they ever got. Dick. For 12 days straight with Blue Chew Gold. Listen, we got a special deal for church family. Get 10% off your first month of Blue Chew Gold with code Joey. Listen, for years we've been giving you a little bluechew every month on the house. Listen, we got a new formula and you got to jump on it. All right? Again, that's promo code Joey. Bluechew.com for more details, important safety information. And I want to thank BlueChew for sponsoring this podcast. And I also want to thank you for putting together BlueChew Gold. Because a lot of men are going to dig this. And I love the way you sling that fucking hammer. You're not even going to believe it's you. You're going to keep pumping, pumping. Nuns coming out. What the fuck? It's Blue Chew Gold. Merry Christmas. Kick this mule, Jack. All right, so what happened? What happened?

[Lee Syed]

What happened? I took a one o' clock flight. It was the best. It was honestly the best delay I've ever had because they did it before I got to the airport. I took a 1pm flight which. I know, I know that you are a big fan of the 6am flights and you're right, they don't. They barely ever get delayed or canceled.

[Joey Diaz]

You are correct. But you would have been home at 1 o'. Clock.

[Lee Syed]

I would have been home at 3 o'.

[Joey Diaz]

Clock.

[Lee Syed]

I did that. I looked at it. But, but dude, I don't want to wake up at five in the morning after I get back. At one in the morning.

[Joey Diaz]

You're already tired. You're already tired. That's why Saturday, instead of jumping up and down, you take that nap.

[Lee Syed]

I did. That's all I did all week. I took naps. I went to the beach, I got splashed by the ocean. I look like a. Oh, that's a.

[Joey Diaz]

Norm any day now. You know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syed]

But dude, I, yeah, I took a one o' clock flight that like 10, 11 in the morning, they're like, hey, this is barely even left, sir.

[Joey Diaz]

Let me ask you something, huh? I'm telling you, this is a 63 year old man. You ain't got time to waste in this life, dog. I'm telling you this. I feel you. I wasted 30 years. If I would have had those 30 years forget about it. But then again, you know, who the fuck knows what happened if Adam wouldn't have bit the apple? A lot of shits, right? Right? I mean, who the fuck knows? Okay, you know, listen, man. Nothing. There's a system and that system always works and you never deviate. You stick to that system because it's a proven fucking mule. It's a mule. You know, there's not many locks in life, but in today's airline system, I know that, that 6am it's going to be a motherfucker to cancel it. Or at least I'm going to be in the air in the winter by 7am I'm sure that that flight at 6 got delayed. I know for a fact, because when you wake up with snow, everybody panics.

[Lee Syed]

It might have, but. And like I said, you. You're right. I just didn't feel like doing it. And I did get lucky though, because when we landed at jfk, there were people who were waiting for over two hours for their bags. A lot of people got fucked. I just got lucky that I didn't get fucked.

[Joey Diaz]

This is the time of the year, man, when I had all these plans and all this shit. I was going to take George to Austin for his birthday. By the way, happy birthday to my brother George. George. He's 60 something years old. But it's just. I'm not in the mood for an airport again. And I'm not in the mood for that fucking Austin airport. Like next time I go to Austin, I'm taking a fucking helicopter. I'm doing something different because I can't. That was brutal. That's brutal anymore. No, I don't blame you. It doesn't work for me no more. And I'm very. You know, some people will never. It will. Some people hide it and they go. That just doesn't work me no more. My knee cannot handle all that walking. My lung can't handle landing and then walking and then it's just. And then you gotta walk through the Uber another mile.

[Lee Syed]

Yeah, it's.

[Joey Diaz]

It's rough, guys. It's fucking rough. Okay? That's not part of my fucking itinerary. If you is walking 82 miles. I could have just walked. I could have just gotten a fucking. Here on the right. Doesn't. What were they talking about? What's the road that goes through Union? I didn't know this. There's a dangerous road that goes through 1, 2, whatever the 22. The 22 takes you all the way to fucking past Nashville. I didn't know That I didn't. But anyway, it doesn't fucking matter.

[Lee Syed]

My point is that the pre show joint kicked in.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, it's just.

[Lee Syed]

Oh, I totally get.

[Joey Diaz]

And I understand. You're playing barefoot in the park, married, you're on the beach.

[Lee Syed]

No, I.

[Joey Diaz]

Taking pictures for the.

[Lee Syed]

No one took pictures. Although I did see there were two couples doing that on the beach. No, I planned this a while ago because I, I wanted to maintain, but so I'm not in the middle in the back end Delta. I needed one more flight for the year, so it worked out, but it was. I can. I. I. Trust me, dude, I haven't been. I've been doing this conservative like a third of the time you've done it. I'm sure in 20 years I'll. I'll be like flights and all that. But yeah, it was, I will say it was great to go back to Cal. I did, I did miss California, especially San Diego.

[Joey Diaz]

And I go up north though.

[Lee Syed]

I did.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, you did go.

[Lee Syed]

I didn't.

[Joey Diaz]

I didn't. Dude.

[Lee Syed]

And this is. I knew you, you would hate this, but you might respect it. So I did two spots Thursday night. I did a guest set with Sam Talent, who was great. Hystera loves you. He's started in Denver too. And then I did a spot at Mad House and I just didn't feel like going home and I was hoping that our buddy Eric was going to be at the store. So I just looked at, at Anisha and I was like, you want to go to Yum Yum Donuts in la? So we just. There was no traffic, it took two hours. Eric was, was with a, was with a. A lovely gentleman of the. Of the night. So I didn't get to see Eric, but we drove straight to the Valley.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm doing it ours, right? Right.

[Lee Syed]

No, no, we did. I did drive through. I, I drove by the store, but no, I went. I wanted to show her chocolate, so. And oh, they were fresh. We got there at like 2 in the morning.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, that fresh.

[Lee Syed]

They were fresh. They were. So I almost got a chocolate one with peanut, but I was.

[Joey Diaz]

Bro, that's not a. That's the shit I was born to do. Like get off the stage and go, Lee, you know, first of all, want a different time clock, right? You go to your room at 11, you're just going to sit there till 3.

[Lee Syed]

Oh yeah, right.

[Joey Diaz]

It's 12 o' clock here. That's what average time you go to bed. Something like that. Right? So. Oh my God. To get an Uber and Smoke dope in the Uber and take an edible and get the yum yum donuts or and then tell them to stop at the other place to get the blueberry one.

[Lee Syed]

Oh, I almost. Dude, if I wasn't trying to be good, I thought about going to the two crazy.

[Joey Diaz]

I live in the metropolitan New York area and I don't even think of fucking donuts because they're fucking disgusting.

[Lee Syed]

Oh, they're gross.

[Joey Diaz]

They're always dry. You got Dunkin Donuts they made in a fucking factory behind an Amazon, you know? Yeah, behind an Amazon with some guy Abu delivering it, you know? No, no, no, no, no, no. And you know what? The coffee's not bad. I understand, whatever. But dog, how can, how can both of us, two mid sized chubby dudes miss the donuts in California? How the fuck is that possible?

[Lee Syed]

Because Koreans know how to make Koreans and Mexicans, the Koreans are pretty good. But that yum yum donuts hasn't changed them as much.

[Joey Diaz]

They push it over the top, the glaze with the chocolate on top. Yeah, you want to stab yourself when you eat one. That's how good that chocolate is.

[Lee Syed]

They have ones that you haven't even seen before. One of my favorite, there's like a cinnamon crunch. Like just cinnamon. And I don't even know what, what it is on top. But I didn't. We literally, we drove there. I got two donuts and I just ate them and I drove to the store. It was dead. There was nobody at the store. Like 2:30 Hollywood.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. Tuesday night, Thursday. Thursday night, Thursday.

[Lee Syed]

I thought there'd be somebody Hollywood after all that shit.

[Joey Diaz]

I mean everywhere is dead after 2:00'. Clock. Yeah, everywhere. My buddy works in the city and he works downtown by the courthouse and he tells him, he goes, I look out and it's not what it used to be. It's a bunch of homeless people, but it's not.

[Lee Syed]

I didn't even see that many of them walking around.

[Joey Diaz]

You didn't see a lot of homeless people?

[Lee Syed]

No, there were a lot of RVs. I did miss that. But no, it was. There just wasn't much of anybody. But it was. San Diego was a blast. I love, I got. San Diego is my city in California. If I was ever going to move back, San Diego is the, the top. It's like Philadelphia to be honest. Philadelphia to New York is San Diego to la. For me. It's. It's just a smaller version. Oh, I did and I got. I just have you in my brain. I did bring my passport to Be like, maybe we'll go to Tijuana. And then just. I'm not even. Not even. I was like, nope, I don't need to get kidnapped. You wouldn't even come and get me.

[Joey Diaz]

If I'm not going to Mexic. Send Nick the Politician down there. See how that works.

[Lee Syed]

Oh, my gosh.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, Nick's playing a trumpet in Mexico.

[Lee Syed]

What would you do if the. If the. If I use my one phone call and I had the cartel kidnapped me and I called you, I said, let.

[Joey Diaz]

Me talk to them. Maybe I could talk some sense into them. But, Lee, you got yourself in a bad predicament. I told you not to go to fucking. Not to get those Airbnbs, but you decided to go. You know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syed]

Oh, my God, it's.

[Joey Diaz]

It's a scary fucking world out there. I mean, this morning we all got up and on a fucking Monday morning, I get up, I have my coffee, I feed the cat. I didn't even notice because I won't go on a fucking computer. But as I was going upstairs about eight, I go, let me see what the fuck? I was on Instagram, and all of a sudden, the first thing I see is he's dead. Okay? He said, rest in peace. Him alone. So I didn't know what was going on. I go, fuck, Meathead's dead. And the next thing you know, my wife goes, did you see about Rob Ryan? I go, yeah, he died. It's a shame. He goes, the son killed him and his wife. And I go, what the fuck are you talking about? And that's when she started telling me, and I'm like, that's wild. And I went to the gym to do, like, a leg warmup, like, to stretch before I worked out with the dude. And CNN was on, and, fuck, they always have sports on. And that's bad enough. Like those sports shows in the morning there for, like. For two days, New Jersey 12 and New Jersey and Eyewitness News told you about the storm that was coming all day on Friday and Saturday. They talk to you about a fucking storm. It's on the way. Hudson Morris. And you're sitting there going, what the fuck am I watching here? And every 15 minutes, they come, snow is coming, snow is coming. And then you get my wife, who's also a fucking retard, and she's like, no, the Snow starts at 10. Okay? Everybody's a fucking psychic now. That's the best. When they tell you snow's gonna start about late, 8 o'. Clock. And you sit. When you hear that, on principle, you're sitting by the window, you're just so pissed off, you're like this motherfucker. So the dude said seven, my wife said 10. I go, both of you are fucking wrong. I get in the car at a quarter to seven, I hit the 18, headed to New Brunswick. And it's snowing, but it's raining. It's like Puerto Rican flu. It's snowing, but it's raining. And then I'm trying to park the car and there's no snow. When I get into the heart of New Brunswick, there's no snow. I'm driving around looking for a park. I go, fuck this. I get back on the 18th, it's like a fucking blizzard at one time for like three miles. All of a sudden, that was it. That was it. When I got close to my home, that was it. And then I think I looked out the window about 11, maybe 11:30, and there was nothing. And dog, I got up to pee at 4 in the morning and all hell had broken loose out there. Oh, yeah, okay. And then I got back up, like 6:30, and I went right out there and shoveled. You shoveled? Me, Mercy and Terry? Fuck yeah. I had the shovel Mercy had. Terry had the electric fucking snowblower, and Mercy had the fucking stairs with the sweeper and shit. Because we just wanted to get it over with, man. And people die. Like, if you're not in shape and you go out there, you'll find you doing it. Because what am I?

[Lee Syed]

You have enough money to have a Mexican guy.

[Joey Diaz]

What am I going to do? Sit down, watch my wife do it?

[Lee Syed]

No, no, have. No, have. Pay someone to have come over. You have a driveway that's eight feet long. Just have. It takes them three seconds with a truck.

[Joey Diaz]

With America is everybody depends.

[Lee Syed]

No, the problem is everybody depends on the Mexican.

[Joey Diaz]

And look what happened. Now they're taking them.

[Lee Syed]

They need jobs.

[Joey Diaz]

Now we're going to get back to work, and then I'm going to be lazy from sitting in my house all these years. And then when they take all the Mexicans that want to shovel snow, I'm back out there when I'm 72, when I'm getting no Social Security. Yeah, why fucking. It doesn't matter what you have and what you don't have.

[Lee Syed]

Jesus Christ.

[Joey Diaz]

It takes 10 minutes. And it's a family thing. I did it as a family thing. My wife was gonna go out there and I go, terry, you can't go out there by yourself. So I went out Started the cars, cleaned off the cars. She got the fucking electrical thing going. And then wherever. She wasn't hitting. I was hitting with the fucking shovel. I cleaned off the stead. The mercy came and brushed it off. It was 30 minutes of our time. I didn't have a heart attack. All right? And it's a family thing. We took a picture at the end. My three fucking friends. I didn't post it up on Instagram because it's a family fucking thing. And it was beautiful. And that was it.

[Lee Syed]

That's a nice story. Now I feel like the asshole.

[Joey Diaz]

No, because you're trying to build something. What's a family for. For me to fuck? Doug, look at these people. Look at the people we knew. I mean, and you're not going to think about these people right now, but in time. I want you to think about this and call me tomorrow. Look at the people we knew six years ago. And now. They're completely different people. Yeah. They've forgotten who they are. They've forgotten who they are. So all of a sudden, I'm gonna hire three Mexicans and I'm gonna wait for them to come to my house while they're snowing out or whatever the it is, you know? I don't know.

[Lee Syed]

Well, I. I see. I do. I see what you're saying. Although if it were me, like, I'm surprised you. You and Terry just didn't sit on the. The rocking chairs and have mercy. Do the whole driveway by herself.

[Joey Diaz]

But you don't know how to shovel snow. You know, she doesn't fucking know how to shovel snow correctly and efficiently. I did it for a living while I cased houses. You know what I'm saying? I did it professionally for Joe Coffee Snowman casing.

[Lee Syed]

But you were.

[Joey Diaz]

You took it seriously. 1983. No, they teach you how to shovel correctly and it's in patches. And you know when they go. And I had no gloves. Why, My wife's like, they're upstairs. Like, oh, I gotta take these boots off, go up three flights and then put them back on. It took me an hour just to put this fucking snow boot on. Took me an hour just to find them. They were behind the luggage, hidden. Oh, my God, they had dust on them. And I had to blow off the snow boots.

[Lee Syed]

Any weed in them?

[Joey Diaz]

Not. It was nothing. But, you know, I got high and I helped the shovel and it was fucking great.

[Lee Syed]

That's nice.

[Joey Diaz]

Fucking traumatic, you know? An hour later, we were. I went out there and the town got hit by a fucking brick. But my My point was that. When did it snow?

[Lee Syed]

Saturday night.

[Joey Diaz]

Saturday night. It's Monday at 4 o'. Clock. I'm leaving the house. I put on channel 12 to see what's going on.

[Lee Syed]

What's going on?

[Joey Diaz]

We're here, we're shoveling snow. And it shows these people out there. It's fucking Monday at 4. Okay. And they're still talking about what happened two days ago. Yeah, they got 8 inches mostly most of surrounding town, Mawa, they got 4 inches. I don't know what happened here. Oh, I've lived here for 80 years and we haven't seen this much go inside. Have you ever seen.

[Lee Syed]

I love. There was a storm somewhere inside. The reporter was in a canoe or something, like doing a report. And then people just walked by. They were pretending they had to be in a canoe. And then two guys just walked two inches of water.

[Joey Diaz]

They love crew creating drama. Dog out the fucking ass. They even we're out here and they got the hood on and it's coming. No, it's not. You should call your boss, tell him I'm not going out of the house till it starts knowing. Give me two or three inches, but don't make me go out of town.

[Lee Syed]

Even that. Could you imagine going out in like a. Like an actual blizzard? Like it's snowing a foot?

[Joey Diaz]

That's what they pay you for. That's your fucking job. Listen, the most dangerous fucking place when it snows is right over here. Where? Right over here in this park called Hudson County Park. When that snows, I have done whirly wool. I have done spinning things in that park. Whatever you call that with a fucking car.

[Lee Syed]

Oh, donuts.

[Joey Diaz]

Donuts with that. In that fucking park. Right? Right before you hit Burger Line by White Castle, right? It started like 100 yards away. I was with my buddy the politician and he stepped on it and the car just started spinning with a body in the back. The body's banging the sides.

[Lee Syed]

Wait, you did donuts in a hearse on purpose or by accident?

[Joey Diaz]

Dog, in those days, there was a sheet of ice underneath.

[Lee Syed]

Oh, okay.

[Joey Diaz]

I thought you were even. You can have the best Department of public works. And you still. After midnight. That's a jungle out there. You're just asking for trouble, dog. You're just asking for trouble out there.

[Lee Syed]

That is scary when that happens.

[Joey Diaz]

You go down that Edgewater road behind the grinder, that's a problem. When it snows, that's a problem. All that is a fucking problem. That wind comes off that Hudson, my friend, and freezes everything Dog, I'll put out. Listen, all you gotta do is grab a motherfucker, knock them out, put some snow on them, and put them on a park bench by Hudson County. They won't see nothing. In the morning, he'll be like that dude in Fargo. They'll just leave my snow on him and shit.

[Lee Syed]

That's what happened to that cop in Massachusetts a couple of years ago.

[Joey Diaz]

It's not. It's. You don't want to fuck around up here. That's, don't want to fuck around up here. That wind comes off that fucking Hudson Jack, and you get on that fucking thing, walking your little dog. That's how they'll find you. You and the dog frozen with little white stuff on his face.

[Lee Syed]

Oh, I know. I know you like being here in Jersey. Do you miss California a little bit when that happens?

[Joey Diaz]

No. I was ready for this.

[Lee Syed]

Okay?

[Joey Diaz]

I was in Boulder. I was in my ex wife. We were somewhere, a woman was talking. And I never heard this before until I moved back here. I didn't know. I didn't hear this. I didn't feel this way. And this woman was talking, nice lady, pretty. She was saying that she had boyfriends, but for years she didn't want to have sex. She goes, I was a virgin till I was 27. And in the back of my mind, I'm like, this girl gave a lot of blow jobs, but she. You know, she was. She was tall. Yeah, because 27. They even have men talking to you because that seems like damaged goods. Anybody fuck this bride? No? Okay, you know what's.

[Lee Syed]

Why are we talking?

[Joey Diaz]

Why are we talking? But. And she said something that. That made a lot of sense. Not when I was a fucking idiot, but she said that and sincerely, not like a fucking idiot, freak or whore. She goes, I was 27, and I wanted to hold out till I was 30 and get married. And I go, what happened? And she goes, my body asked for it. And she goes, I dated the guy for a month, slept with him twice, and we broke up. And I didn't care. I didn't feel bad about it because my body needed that. That's the same way I feel when I talk about moving back here. It was time, like I had been away from my.

[Lee Syed]

Are you saying that she needed dick and you needed New Jersey?

[Joey Diaz]

No, she said she didn't need dick. She didn't put it that way. That was the beauty of the conversation. She wasn't nasty about it, okay? She said her body started yearning for it and her body made it happen. Organically it wasn't that, you know, and it was, now that I get here, it's so weird because I thought I was going to do so many things when I got here, and I ended up not doing anything. I remember telling you various times, Lee, in two weeks I'll be eating pizza like a motherfucker. That's not the case. I thought I'd be at Rudy's every other night, jumping up and down. That's not the case, right? I thought I was gonna come here and just fucking take over New Jersey as a comic. Didn't have it in me. Just didn't have. All these plans I had on that plane were like, once I got here, I saw what time it was and I'm like, oh, shit. I've been living in a fucking time warp in my brain, right? It happens. I only came here once a year for the last 30 years. In 30 years I was here 7, 27 years, I would only come once a year if that, right? I didn't really know what was going.

[Lee Syed]

On for like two, three days.

[Joey Diaz]

It's like that guy that goes to prison and comes out of prison, and all of a sudden he's like, what's a cell phone? Right? Exactly. You know? Exactly. So I came back here. Listen, man, Every Monday, I come up here now again, every Monday, I could have my doubts. I have my doubts about a lot of things. I don't know if I want to do it. And I'm sure the first four times I had to come up here on a Monday had doubts like, why am I going up there? Fuck that shit. I could do it from here. My body needs this on Mondays. Can't do it twice a week, right? Cannot do it twice a week because then. But if I do it once a week, and I enjoy the drive, I enjoy the traffic, I enjoy the radio, I enjoy the scenery. Even though I'm looking at, you know, I'm looking at Pat lafrieda meat and all this shit on Tunley Avenue. My body needs that.

[Lee Syed]

Got it.

[Joey Diaz]

My mind needs that. It's a way of healing or whatever the fuck. I don't even know, right, if I should be saying those words.

[Lee Syed]

No, I know what you're saying. Because I. I feel. I feel I'm a lot happier in New York than I was in la. I feel like the city fits me better, personally. But I will say, being back, I. When I was there, and this is the first time I've been. I was back for a couple days, like three or four years ago, but this Is the really the first time I was back and I, I, I, I did miss it. Like, like I missed, I saw a couple people I saw. Just being back at the Comedy Store in La Jolla was great. Just in California as a whole, I can, people talk shit about California and polit. I don't, I'm not political at all, but just as a place to be. The people, the Mexican food. I had a great, like I had a great time. It is a, there's a lot of up that happens there and they, you got got to put up with like there's no. If I flush my, my toilet in my house, you can hear it all around because they've stuff like four houses on one lot. Like you're packed in like sardines anywhere in la. Like just how close your house is anyway. And Airbnb a few blocks from the next door. But even the gas is like 455 bucks a gallon. It's, there's a lot of shitty stuff. But I missed California.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen man, I miss California for what it was. You're not seeing it how I see it. Like if I went to California, like we discussed me doing the Netflix festival and then we said, why do the Netflix festival when we could do it on our own, you know? And I gotta be honest with you, it's like I told my wife, I go, we're gonna take this little trip in a few weeks. And then the next thing I want to do. This is pretty interesting. I go, I want to go to Boulder and I want to go to Aspen. And I started thinking about it and because I said it in my office, it keeps popping up on Facebook. Discover Boulder, Boulder at Christmas, you know, And I looked at her the other day and I go, you know what? I think we're going to put a damper on Boulder. She goes, why? I go, I want to go to Boulder. Listen, I would kick ass if I did the Boulder theater. Yeah, it's a no brainer. That would sell out. I'd have a good time. My old friends would show up. The cops that arrested me would show up. I'm not a judge, but at the same time, dog something's never wanted me to go back to Boulder. There's like an inner energy that says, you know what? Been there, do done that. Why would I go add insult to injury, you know what I'm saying? Like, that was a memory. That was, you gotta remember. I left Boulder 30 fucking years ago, George. That's crazy.

[Lee Syed]

How long were you there?

[Joey Diaz]

From 83 to 95.

[Lee Syed]

Damn yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And I left in 95 and never went back. Unless to do comedy. I went back twice for other business, but that was it. Like I never had use for coming back. Before you say something, okay. California, Come on, man. I would love to go back to California. And now I know where to stay. Get some yum yum donuts. I definitely get some sushi.

[Lee Syed]

Oh, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

I. But if I tell you something, guys, you're not going to believe this. I don't want to walk into the store.

[Lee Syed]

I can see that.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't want to walk into the improv.

[Lee Syed]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't want to walk into the fast laugh factory. No. Because I've been chasing ghosts all my life, okay? And let me tell you something. And a wise man told me this. You can't go back. You can't go back. You're just going to shoot yourself in the leg. You cannot go back. I did my time in there. I did 22 years at a place where when I started, I thought I'd never even walk on the sidewalk in front of it. I became part of that fucking building for 22 years. I walked out of there a fucking. I walked in there a half a criminal. I walked in there a half a criminal kid that was lost and I walked out of there a top notch comedian and a gentleman and with a wife and a child. Why would I go back in there now to be that guy? I don't want everyone to be that guy. Amen. When I was here, we were blowing out this guy out of the water. I don't want to hear that. I don't want to hear that. And I don't want to be that guy. Because I was there when guys my age were going in there and humiliating us. Young guys, just because they're evil, they want to make everything fucking better in their mind. Oh, this place is great. But it was so much better. Shut the fuck up. Right?

[Lee Syed]

Let it be theirs now.

[Joey Diaz]

So before I go in there and start talking that nonsense, hudo, it's in my mind. It made me a man. It was a hell of a fucking ride. It was a hell of an education. I should go to therapy, dog. I should go to therapy. Because I thought it was so far from me. And then I became it. Do you follow me? So at one time you're like, you know, I'm just gonna play football. And all of a sudden you're like, my dream would be to play for Dallas. And all of a sudden you're on fucking Dallas. And you start, you're on Dallas and you're third team, but they put you in for some stupid, you know, what's that shit called?

[Lee Syed]

Special teams.

[Joey Diaz]

Special teams. And you, you tackle the guy, intercept the fumble and score a touchdown. They move to the second team. And all of a sudden, one day, again, you go in there, bam. And also they move you to the first team. And now there you are. And that's how you walk out of there. You win a Super bowl, you're going to start talking shit. They're going to trade you to the Niners, okay? And then eventually you're going to want to go back to the Dallas to end your career. And you could have ended it right there. Well, like a man. And walked out with your chest up. But you wanted to play fucking stupid games.

[Lee Syed]

So we'll see what happens. And I'm not telling you to do it, but to play devil's advocate in football. Philip Rivers came back this week. Five years later, he's not going to be spread. Yeah, he's not going to be mvp, but I understand.

[Joey Diaz]

But what's going to happen next week? Next week they're going to pick him up and launch him on his head. And he's 44 years old. He's going to walk off the thing like, you know, I'm just saying you can't go back.

[Lee Syed]

But you're also not trying to, like, move back to. In my head when you were saying that, I was like, yeah, but. Yeah, I understand. You don't want to be the douchebag, like, making all the guys feel bad and bumping them in the.

[Joey Diaz]

Or. But, like, I would never bump.

[Lee Syed]

I. I know, but, like, you wouldn't want to do like a. A night in the main room or even in the belly room, just not just say no to everything.

[Joey Diaz]

You know why? Because I know me. And I know at the end I'm gonna be disappointed.

[Lee Syed]

Okay?

[Joey Diaz]

Because it's not what I was used to. And I don't ever want to say that. Right. It's not what I was used to. So it was a different feeling. You know, I listened to all this old music, you know, on the drive an hour to kill. I listen to some shit on Ozzy's Boneyard or fucking one of those black channel Tiki Tiki T guy with the fucking little green thing in the top. That's not music. That stripper music. I try to listen to everything, but I listen to the music I grew up on. And you're sitting there going, you know, all these bands. Motley Crue this year, I ain't talking shit about Motley Crue. But this year, they're going on a tour with Vixen and some other band that I like. I like them even more than Motley Crue. And they're going out on an album tour. Like one of those albums that they put out that were dynamite. They're going to tour that album, and their attitude is, we're going to bring that back. No, you can't. No, you can't. No, you can't. That was a certain time. You were in a certain place. I just saw an interview. I don't know if you want it. Somebody was on it. And let's speak fucking frankly. Let's speak frankly. I'm going to give you an example that everybody could fucking live with Conor McGregor. Conor McGregor came up and was knocking people out within minutes. All of a sudden, they gave him $100 million on what happens. Before the powder. You give somebody $100 million on what happens. They get the Mexican to cut the lawn. They get somebody to pull the sheep back for them so they could go into bed at night and make sure the sandals are right there, not over there, but they're in that Gucci. I want to get up and pigeons fly out of a thing that's a long ride away from me. Waking up, sleeping on this couch with blankets, opening up that thing, and there's fucking water, no juice. And I got to go fucking work for the M. What is that mua outside fucking digging in on Kennedy Boulevard, right? And I got to walk up this hill, that hill, with no fucking breakfast in my stomach. The different feeling, huh? You know? And somebody was saying this. It's the same thing for fucking comics. Sure. I don't understand why people cannot, you know, I'll hear, oh, we went to see this guy, and it wasn't really that good. Come here. The guy left that show with $82 million, okay? He's doing this because his wife's not sucking his dick and fucking. He's sick of going to the gym, okay? That's why he's going out. What did you expect? For him to come back better? And that's not anymore. Because we accept mediocrity now. You know, Netflix puts out these specials once a year. We've discussed it a thousand times. You cannot develop as a comic in a year and a half. Takes two years just to put it together, really. And really, you're going to see that if you shoot it, as soon as you get in your car that night, you're going to go, fuck this all sudden, all this material comes out. Ba, ba, ba. That's brilliant. Oh, you almost crashed. You're almost passing out from the fucking laughter. Right. You know, and that's the problem. You have that, you know, we're not hungry no more. So why would you pay $300 to see this guy, this guy has a personal chef cooking from now.

[Lee Syed]

Right, I get that. But so to take it back to you, like, I think I don't, I know you don't have, like the, the two, three sets a night kind of energy anymore, but you still take comedy seriously. Like, if you, if you were gonna go back to la, what would you, how would you go back to la, the way you want to do it?

[Joey Diaz]

I would just do three theaters, L.A. san Francisco, San Diego. Move on.

[Lee Syed]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Get a good meal at Dantana's, Original Joe's. Get a nice steak at Dan Tanner's. Go Original Joe's and get a bunch of burritos in San Diego. That's it. It'd be, you know, Thursday, Friday, Saturday.

[Lee Syed]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Boom, boom, boom. And then right after San Francisco, six hours. Oh, you know what?

[Lee Syed]

I had never, I never had when I was in LA and you talked about it and I should have gotten it before. I had my first bean and cheese burrito this weekend. That shit with a little bit of sauce on top, a little bit of the red onion. Oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

Cactus. Remember I used to get one every night? Yeah, yeah, every night.

[Lee Syed]

That cactus.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, every night. I stopped them at a U turn. They closed at midnight or 11.

[Lee Syed]

Midnight.

[Joey Diaz]

I had that clock to a T and I would pop in there because a bean and cheese burrito kills everything. The green sauce in the middle. And they had, again, none of you motherfuckers will see me eat this. But I ate it there. They had a fucking A bowl. Their bowls were fucking real.

[Lee Syed]

Oh, like a salad, A salad bowl thing.

[Joey Diaz]

Yellow rice, pinto beans, a bunch of salad tomatoes. I wouldn't even put meat in it.

[Lee Syed]

No.

[Joey Diaz]

A little bit of cheese and hot sauce. Nothing but fucking protein. I would make them give me three things of those beans, Three fucking inches of those beans with rice. And then put a slop of regular refried beans to give you some fat, like, and then some avocado on that.

[Lee Syed]

Nice.

[Joey Diaz]

Stop it. Stop it.

[Lee Syed]

Oh, I, I, they had, they had a bunch, they had those hot dog carts in San Diego that were great. But I want to get your opinion on this, because I, I've never had this happen. And I almost, I almost got into kind of a fight because we were Walking down that, like, gas lamp area of San Diego.

[Joey Diaz]

Not good, dude.

[Lee Syed]

This guy had his dick out.

[Joey Diaz]

Not good.

[Lee Syed]

This dude was stone. He was the drunkest I've ever seen anybody. His pants were just open. He had his hand on his dick and he was like stumbling to the car. But, like, Anisha was right there. And I just look like. I just looked at him and all I could say was, dude, put that away. And like, he. Even that I got. As soon as I said, I was like, shouldn't it. Should I not have said anything? Is he going to punch me? Because. Because he's hammered. And luckily he was so hammered that he kind of just looked at me and like, we just left. But I've never seen anybody with their dick out.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, they just killed somebody down there. Really? Yeah, like two weeks ago, three weeks.

[Lee Syed]

Ago in San Diego, dog.

[Joey Diaz]

It's bad all over. Oh, it's bad all over. Like, it's all. Listen, you know, like I said, I went to fucking the gym this morning. I was in a great mood. I was. I'm still in a great mood, but I'm watching the T. I'm on the bike and I'm fucking doing the. I'm stoned to the gills and I'm making believe I'm watching the tv. So nobody says a word to me because they'll come over. Old people come over. Hey, how you been? You're like, how old is your daughter now? Is she still playing swap? No, she playing the maracas now. Hey, get away from me. I'm fucking dying to breathe here, you know?

[Lee Syed]

Oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

So I'm seeing that three. Like I said, they had Jewel, the. What happened in Australia? The Hanukkah thing. They had the thing up in Brown University that they can't find the shooter and they had the Reiner, whatever. I'm looking at this, I'm like, it's a week before Christmas. Officially, it's the 15th today. Happy birthday, George. It's the 15th today and we're a week away from Christmas. And this is what you want to wake up to on a fucking Monday? No, but, yeah, you don't know him. Joey. Listen, I don't need to know. There's a thing called empathy. And there's people that have to bury people next week and they'll think of Christmas. It's like a fucking. It's like voodoo for them. You have somebody pass away around that, but you have somebody pass away. It's rough, but you have somebody pass away. And when they pass away on the holidays, you want to wake up on the 1st, right? You want to go to bed on the 15th and wake up on the 1st. Trust me, you don't want to feel the pain of losing them. And you don't want to feel fucking. You hate Christmas Santa, right? You know, fuck all of it.

[Lee Syed]

Dude, what about. And he did. He doesn't. I don't know if he deserves our sympathy, but I just, I can't imagine what happened to that, that Michigan coach, that 24 hours that guy had. But like, can you imagine what his family to blow up your life that badly in 24 hours?

[Joey Diaz]

Chris Cornell used to be married to a girl named Sue Silver.

[Lee Syed]

Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

Sue Silver was a little petite Jewish girl, very cute. She actually managed Soundgarden, Alice in Chains. She was big time, but it was all connected to her dad. And her dad was a big time manager in L. A. In fact, he managed Jeff Garcia for a while and got him a big time deal when he was 16.

[Lee Syed]

Oh, damn.

[Joey Diaz]

So God rest his soul. So he was also working with Marilyn Martinez. Okay? So Marilyn wanted to introduce him to me one night and he started coming down to the store every night. And I'm telling you this story because it leads to your story, okay? And a Spanish comedian come in, guy I had a beef with, no reason to bring up his name. Came in with another guy, a producer guy, and they had a convertible. And the convertible was down at night.

[Lee Syed]

Uh, oh, you know.

[Joey Diaz]

And they were listening to some type of music. And Mr. Silva looked over at me goes, look at him acting like negroes. And that's exactly what happened to that coach. I mean, he got broken in domestic violence with a chick.

[Lee Syed]

So we got fired for having a relationship with this college girl and then broke into her place with like a knife or something or the same chick?

[Joey Diaz]

Same. Yeah.

[Lee Syed]

And yeah, he was going to kill himself and then her or something. It was the same girl.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, that guy's got to go home. His luggage is in front of the house.

[Lee Syed]

He's in jail. Jail? Really?

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, the guy's getting 6 million a year or something.

[Lee Syed]

It was like, it was like $40 million or something.

[Joey Diaz]

Had a contract, just cut him. They got to give him something.

[Lee Syed]

No, no, no, they cuz he up. He got fired for. Cause if he didn't. If he didn't fuck that girl.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, he's got some money put away after she thinks about the wife because they had the baby there under the heater. Love, okay? Meanwhile, while you're pregnant, he's the assistant and trying to break into a House.

[Lee Syed]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

College. Yeah.

[Lee Syed]

Is she really pregnant? Oh, my God. He double. He doubled her salary. That was what I saw.

[Joey Diaz]

That guy kicked the fucking kiss of that. Oh my God. That poor. But you know, you're not that poor. Best.

[Lee Syed]

No, no, I didn't.

[Joey Diaz]

Poor best.

[Lee Syed]

Can you imagine? He woke up one day, he was the coach of Michigan. The next day he was in jail getting fired for fucking his assistant. And then he said he was going to kill himself, but he's going to take her first or something.

[Joey Diaz]

Was.

[Lee Syed]

Yeah. Oh, my God. I can't even. Like, I've had a bad day, but that's. But I. Because I was thinking about this originally because I was gonna.

[Joey Diaz]

I.

[Lee Syed]

It seems like. I don't know. Does it seem like ever? Like once a year as an adult, you go through like something that you never thought you'd go through. Like, just bad stuff. It's not like the worst thing. You're not. Your life's not over. But just something, like, just something happens that you never thought would happen.

[Joey Diaz]

Or.

[Lee Syed]

Or like you just like everything. You're like, okay, this year's been going pretty good. And then like a few weeks before, like, just like, you're like, I have to deal with this shit. Like being. Sometimes being a fucking person sucks. Like just some bullshit happens and you lose your mind and you get arrested. But it's. I can't. I can't imagine having that bad of.

[Joey Diaz]

A day, you know, I was living with George. I woke up one day, I went to the dentist and for some reason I had this dumb idea. I was going to take this kid's coke and it was going to be hunky dory. I was just going to take it, go on a plane, land in Newark and go right to Tom and Corky's and start jumping up and down. That was the thing. And dog, while I was hatching the plan, I was like, this is a bad fucking idea. Oh, no. But it was too late. I was already in.

[Lee Syed]

You know, you already spent the money in your head.

[Joey Diaz]

You're 20 fucking 5, 24. I was. You don't really know, you know, and you take the mistake. I did my time. I came out. I became a better person. It didn't happen overnight, right? Took me 10 years. I had my fucking struggle still, you know, Old habits die hard, you know, I'm saying. And there was the coke and the fucking problem with my ex wife. There was just a lot of problems. And then you start recognizing when you're going down that way. You just start seeing it man, you know, I remember, you know, one minute you're fucking snorting fucking coke on a Monday and Saturday, and the next minute you're snorting it four nights a week. You don't even realize it until you look at your bank account. You missed work the last three weeks. You don't even know. Guys. We fall into something. And what that is could be anything. You know, you bump into a girl, one of these hot chicks that are fucking, you know, twerking and showing you their ass at a club. And, you know, you're married, or you've been with the same woman for three years and you love her, and you got dogs now, and you got a cat named Choo Choo, and everything's hunky dory, and you go into her mother's house for Christmas. But, dog, you know, this girl is gonna rock your world. She's gonna put that pussy in your face and shake it, and the pubic hairs are gonna go into your nose. You know what I'm saying? Like, you know, and we don't catch ourselves. And then you're leaving there, and the bitch got you on a fucking tracker. Because they all could track you now, right on the phone. Yeah, guys, we're living in a different world, and you have to see where you're getting yourself into and going, what? What am I fucking doing here? But, you know, you go, well, I got a beater at it. I got all my problems beat. I was doing fine. I was doing fucking fine. And then I started eating edibles, and I thought my heart was gonna fucking blow up half the time. You know, we were eating big time the other night. I ate 2,000 milligrams.

[Lee Syed]

Damn.

[Joey Diaz]

Of those in the clouds, guys, I thought I was gonna have a nervous breakdown. Like, it's just that first level, when you hit those heights, it's too much for a motherfucker. So I didn't know. I went to the doctor and he's like, dog, I gave you these pills. You gotta start taking them. I go, what pills? He goes, every month, I send you 90 fucking Xanaxes. They're 1.5. So I'm eating them one at two a day, three a day. Next thing, I'm up to 16 of them. Next thing you know, I'm buying them 100 a bag for $800. You know, guys, how does it slip up on you at not 40, not 30, but 55, 56, 57. Guys, you don't recognize the traps? Every. All our lives have fucking traps. And every time we go towards that Trap. It's going to be the same result. And, you know, I don't even know how to say this without sounding like a fucking idiot, but I'll lay it on you. We have traps in life when we're regular people. Think about when somebody thinks they know you. Think about when somebody really thinks they know you. A podcast or something like that, guys, they're gonna lay fucking shit on you every fucking other week. You're gonna bump into something. And, you know, that's interesting. That's some interesting shit I get. I can have a good time with that freak. But then in the process, you're like, I'm gonna lose everything. I lose everything. But most importantly, I can get that shit back. I'm gonna lose credibility. And I can't do the podcast no more. I can't be on stage no more. Because you have no credibility. Yeah, people still watch you because they got them no soul. But anybody who knows human, you lose credibility. Not the money, not the car. That's all bullshit. You could always get that back. It's your word, your credibility. You've been on a podcast for 12 years, Joey, and meanwhile, you snort coke on Fridays and Saturdays. How fucking dare you, man? How fucking dare you? At least that's how I would look at it.

[Lee Syed]

Right, if you'd been talking about being sober for all these years.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. You guys know what I do? I eat my fucking mushrooms. And I don't even like those anymore. They taste like ass. The ones I ate the other night didn't do anything for me.

[Lee Syed]

I got yelled at. I got yelled at for years saying.

[Joey Diaz]

That I still ate them with a shrimp parmesan sandwich, okay?

[Lee Syed]

You never gave me a shrimp parmesan sandwich to eat them with.

[Joey Diaz]

You want to eat them with honey because somebody told you it's a good idea. Got to eat them with food. And the best food, they eat mushrooms with.

[Lee Syed]

Pizza, Georgia soup, wonton soup.

[Joey Diaz]

At a steakhouse today, ladies and gentlemen, because the waiter told me it said they got a sushi bar. How did wontons come in with the sushi bar? Wontons are from China. This is a sushi bar. Couple weeks ago, he comes in with a menu of a Jap Chinese place that sells chicken salad sandwiches. Listen, you're in no danger. And he kept my man. I'm telling you, it's good. Listen, you're in no danger. You gotta pick a flag in my world. So as soon as you go to a steakhouse, everything's in the steak vein. Lobster bisque, bread, oh, French onion, oh, A fucking Caesar salad, not a wrap. Oh, a fucking wedge. Ooh, a 12 ounce steak. Ooh a tiramisu. A fuckin another cup of coffee. But no, you gotta listen to the waiter. Yeah, I'll have the wonton soup. Yeah, sounds yummy. And I don't mind like if you're 10, like even if my daughter makes one of those decisions, I'm like, I gotta talk to him, we get home. But when you're his age. I can't, I can't. And you grew up in this area. I can't, I can't. I can't even put my fucking head around.

[Lee Syed]

I'm not even sure. Why would you tell him you got wonton soup at a steak place?

[Joey Diaz]

Because that's his world.

[Lee Syed]

You can't tell him that.

[Joey Diaz]

And then he does one of your things, he blames it on the waiter. Well, the waiter said it was good. Some skinny kid that shoots fucking peptides to lift weights, you know, why are you bothering me fucking for? You know, let's go to a break. I'll be right back. We got to talk to you about a couple things. Yeah. Hey, what's happening? Uncle Joey here. Listen, for a good workout you need to train smarter, not longer. Now listen, you can get results in just 20 minutes a day. Again, 20 minutes a day with the hydro rowing machine. Hydro works 86% of your muscles. That's right, 86% in one seamless motion. It works your arms, your legs and the most important, your core. Okay? Roaring with hydro is twice as efficient as cycling or running and a lot less, you know, your knees, the whole thing. Hydro keeps you motivated with different workouts filmed in beautiful spots around the world. 3. 3. All led by world class athletes. It's never been easier to get a hydro rower. With freestanding shipping and a 30 day risk trial and a one year warranty, there's nothing to lose. Again, one year warranty. So do me a favor, take care of yourself. In 2026, head over to hydro.com and use code DIAZD I A Z to save up to $600 off the hydro roaring during this holiday season. Jingle bells, Jingle Bells. That's hydro.comh y d r o w.com code diaz d I a z to save up to $600 today. Hydro.com code diaz. Happy holidays, Uncle Joey. I want to talk to you about something. Look at my eyeballs. Make any day feel like a weekend with in the Cloud. In the Cloud is your online dispensary. Try out their gummies. Vapes Pre Rolls and edibles looking to replace that nightcap. Check out in the Cloud's new zero sugar calorie THC zonas. All in the Cloud products are federally legal thc. Everything sold is DEA certified, lab tested and shipped discreetly. So nobody knows nothing. Listen, I love these little drinks. They're stronger than all the other ones. You kick one back and you sit back and relax. This holiday season, whether he's in the neighborhood or not, you'll hear Santa, get yourself some in the Cloud. Listen, if you're 21 or older, visit indeCloud Co and use code CHURCH. C H U R C H for 25% off plus free shipping. That's intheCloud Co and use code Church. C H U R C H For 25% off, free shipping and a better way to unwind. Enjoy responsibly. And thanks for in the Cloud, for sponsoring the church. Love you guys. We're back. Postmokers. So, yeah, that. This is it. I hate this time of the year already. Like, I like the holidays, but I hate that we're at the 15th already. People's mind is already starting to slip. Who's bringing the eggnog? Who's cooking?

[Lee Syed]

Why does that upset you? Like, I understand if it's someone you're not.

[Joey Diaz]

I want everybody to work straight to the 24th at midnight. What time does Santa come? The 24th at midnight. What are you talking about? What do you need to do? Everything comes on Amazon now, right? You don't even have to go to the fucking store. No, I just. I don't know, guys. When it comes to shit like this, I'm a commie. Like, I want everybody to fucking work to the 23rd. Whipping it. This is it. The year ends. What do you think happens after the 20 fucking 6? Nothing.

[Lee Syed]

That's why I'm not married.

[Joey Diaz]

If you're a. Unless you have a restaurant or you're a theater owner or something, nothing happens. People come in with fucking returns, you know? And then you got to start again on the fucking first all over. Back to your fucking grind again. Yeah, and this is just. And then a guy like me has to wait. Well, I haven't had an audition in three months, so I don't give a fuck anymore. The phone doesn't even ring, okay? And I got to be honest, I'm pretty fucking happy because the last five or six jobs have been jobs. I'm like, I don't want this. You know, I had Tulsa King. I had some other independent pilot on Netflix. I never heard Back from that I was interested in. But besides that, it's like, fuck, I don't want this. And I have an agent that's a sweetheart, a sweetheart of a man. I've been with him for 25 years. He was with me at Daniel Hoff. He's my agent in New York. And he always sends me these college auditions and shit. And I'm like, ugh. But they're always a twist, so I always get out of it. He has to speak Russian. I don't speak Russian. Yeah, but you can try. I don't speak Russian. Okay? It's not going to happen overnight. I'm not going to fucking.

[Lee Syed]

I'd like to see you try to speak Russian.

[Joey Diaz]

No, it's not. Listen, it's not going to work. Not at this age. I can't do impersonations. I can't pull rabbits out of hats. This is it.

[Lee Syed]

That's your acting movement?

[Joey Diaz]

That's it. That's all I got. But listen, guys, I used to. Fucking right now. Ten years ago, I'd be pissed if this was going on in my life. 10 years ago. Oh, I'm calling my agents every day because the year ends on Wednesday.

[Lee Syed]

Yeah, you're not wrong.

[Joey Diaz]

That's it. The agencies close on Wednesday. Nobody's taking calls. Nobody's doing nothing. But let me tell you, some. One of the most money I ever made in a commercial wasn't the most. But surprisingly for what it was, it paid me a lot. It was a demo. Wasn't really a commercial. Was an A commercial for the NFL Network. You know what time we shot that motherfucker? We shot that December 24th at 6am and they were shooting five more that day.

[Lee Syed]

Damn.

[Joey Diaz]

And you get three, four hours on one of those on Christmas Eve, dog.

[Lee Syed]

We can buy presents now.

[Joey Diaz]

No, because you're not getting the money till fucking St. Sebastian Day. I don't have a credit card. Then I had to wait. I'm trying to work the guy. Listen, he's not going to advance, you know, we have to call J.C. penney. Forget it. They're never going to give you the money. But you know, guys, like I always did something in December. You don't know what it's like. I mean, people talk about, you know. Listen, here's the truth of the matter is, as adults, always remember this. I don't care whether it's Bruce Springsteen, Nicky Porkchops, George, we're all at zero on the first of every month. We're all the same. How you tackle that month is up to Fucking you. You could say to me, well, Joey, I got two grand in my checking account. I'm good. I don't have to sell shit to the 20th. But, you know, on the 20th, for those last 10 days, you got to roll up your fucking sleeves and dig in that, you know. And that's what I don't. I miss that. Like, now we have stand up again. I love doing standup during the week. You got to write, you got to talk to people. I'm thinking about the show in Atlantic City next year, that I have to make it a production. I just don't want to throw three people up there and call the comedy show, you know? So I'm thinking about all that stuff, and that keeps me busy. But it's not like I used to have a whole three hour of my day that was dedicated just to acting. For 10 years, it was just dedicated to acting. I'd read movies in pre production. Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba. Figure out the director, call the agency that I wasn't even with, get a screen script, that thing, looked through it, assume that this character is my age, and I would just send the tape because I couldn't wait for the fucking agent. Wow, that's. Yeah. So when you have that type of shit and then you take it out of somebody's life, it sucks.

[Lee Syed]

So, I mean, we talk. I think maybe it was last week we talked about it, but, like, have you thought about starting? Not even to make money, but just started something new. Like, I, I. You've already written a book, but it's. It, it sounds like you're talking about, like, you, like. Or miss the excitement of, like, being new at something and not, not being great at it and, like, figuring it out.

[Joey Diaz]

Look, what do you want me to do? Be an attorney? Sure. No, an attorney thing I do right now, they're not going to take me serious. People gonna look at me after two minutes and go, aren't you? And whatever I was doing all of a sudden turned into a picture. And the time I was in Joe Rogan and when I Ate the ant in some.

[Lee Syed]

In some things. But I know, I think you could hide as an attorney.

[Joey Diaz]

Huh?

[Lee Syed]

You could be an attorney. I feel like.

[Joey Diaz]

But after 10 minutes, people going to go, you know, come on, Joey, come on. Can you imagine me at Costco greeting people?

[Lee Syed]

Who was that guy? What was the, the Italian guy who was like a, A heartthrob, but then he went to be a teacher. They did an A and E show about it. He was on, like, one of those 80s sitcoms. And then he was a teacher. Shaq is a cop. You could do something. It sounds like you just want to shack a cop. He's like, once every month, he goes for a day or two. He goes. He wears the uniform.

[Joey Diaz]

He.

[Lee Syed]

He does his stuff. I don't know. I just. Like. That's what it sounds like to me, is that you, like, you miss the struggle list.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm laying scores for a living. Once a month, I'm making money.

[Lee Syed]

All right.

[Joey Diaz]

Break into one. Cops are chasing me. I turn around, he's like, hey, man, I'm Shaq. I'm shooting them. You know, I'm gonna. Oh, I'm gonna stop. Because it's Shaq. It's like, the Rock. Hey, it's the Rock. You have to stop. You. I'll shoot you in a kneecap. No more Black Adam or Black Edom. Whatever the.

[Lee Syed]

You know, that looked terrible.

[Joey Diaz]

But you.

[Lee Syed]

They'd kill you in jail if you shot Shaq.

[Joey Diaz]

It doesn't matter. My point is that nobody takes you seriously as anything else.

[Lee Syed]

Who wants to be taken serious? You're a comic. Why do you want do it?

[Joey Diaz]

For a last job I could take.

[Lee Syed]

Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

That I would consider.

[Lee Syed]

All right.

[Joey Diaz]

Is a host of the casino.

[Lee Syed]

Yeah. Fuck, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Welcome to fucking Casa Moringa. I have your post. Joey Diaz, the hostess with the mostest. Okay. If you need chips over there. If you need. The bathroom over there. If you need. And I gotta work them for tips. That's my. I love that. You know what I'm saying? And then it's good. Let me take a picture. Yeah, it's light. You know what I'm saying? My palm is empty. I'm saying, you know, you can work. That's the only guy.

[Lee Syed]

Just keep looking at your hand.

[Joey Diaz]

If I thought about becoming a maitre d. What happens when you come in and say, do you have the Bordelay 1640? And I'm like, guys, just get a fucking Heineken. Knock it off. Your wife wants some martinis. You can fuck her in the muffler later. You still want to be in, you know, Johnny Goombah and get a Bordelay a 400 a bottle. Knock it off. Give her a martini. Let her show a friend she's drinking a fucking martini because the bottle's wrapped in a fucking thing. The martini's a lot better, knowing you. You know what I'm saying? It's just so.

[Lee Syed]

Just something you enjoy. Whether. Cause I get it.

[Joey Diaz]

I enjoy food. Right? I enjoy food. Like, if they call me up and go, what are you suggesting? Well, I'm gonna be honest with you.

[Lee Syed]

How's the wonton soup?

[Joey Diaz]

And you know me, I'm like, the wonton soup. It's a half a Chinese guy. You know. You don't even know Becky, so fuck. You know? But only George would do that. I would stay the fuck away from that.

[Lee Syed]

You should have, like, you and George should be like, a combo maitre d. So George can give you the recommendation. Then you go over, like, whack him in the head.

[Joey Diaz]

Fucking kidding me. The people won't eat for four hours. And then Nikki and they broke away. They're not married to the family no more. They moved to Staten Island. Then while they were in Staten island, they opened up another place. And that guy went with his wife. And the people, like, sitting there, okay, I'm hungry. We're hungry. But George don't give a fuck, showing them the batteries from Dollar Tree, you know, the whole fucking.

[Lee Syed]

Oh, you know what you could do? There's a guy online, he calls himself, like, John, breaks bad news. And they just. Some people pay him just to, like, call someone up, be like, yeah, your sister is pregnant with my. Like, with. With Joe's kid. You could just let, like, torture people for, like, have someone send you 20 bucks and be like, all right, call my boss. He hates fucking Chinese people. And you could call, like, order Chinese food. Just whatever you do, just torture people from. From your home office.

[Joey Diaz]

That's.

[Lee Syed]

That might be a good one.

[Joey Diaz]

If I do that shit, it can never be for money. It has to be for me. Torture people. It's not.

[Lee Syed]

You're a purist.

[Joey Diaz]

I would not torture the way I torture you. I would torture you for me. It's for me to see your reactions. And I. Dog. I take dog. Trust me when I'm telling you I could torture you by not saying a word. Trust me, I know you're doing certain movements, certain things.

[Lee Syed]

Just a look. That's all I need from.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't even need to see you. Oh, I communicate to you with the weirdest things.

[Lee Syed]

Oh, you're like Denzel in the Equalizer. You would just take it on if it was, like, important to you.

[Joey Diaz]

Like. What do you mean?

[Lee Syed]

Like, Denzel, he, like. He. That girl, he just, like. He just takes on these. That whole movie. He, like, took over to find this guy's pension because he was a. He was a nice guy that he met as a Lyft driver. He went over and killed 800 people in. In Italy because of it. And that. It was I could see that if people could send in, like, their submissions. Like, this guy's been with me for 20, and, like, really just get to, like, get to your heart. And then you decide to with him.

[Joey Diaz]

There's people that I want to with, but I know I would break them because how I had to fuck with them would be so intense and. No, no, no, no, no, no. This ain't about bringing them down. This is about you being at work and me breaking into your house with somebody and putting a bug in your wall that just goes. That's it. And it starts at 8 and it stops at 1. But not loud. Very subtle. So you think there's somebody laughing outside your window and shit like this. You do that to somebody every night. And then you figure out a way for them to invite you over and go, come here for a second. Do you hear that? You're like, nothing.

[Lee Syed]

No, I think. Didn't once you tell me you wanted to break it and steal, like, someone's, like, left shoe?

[Joey Diaz]

No, I did it to a friend of. I did it to the cab driver, that one that sits up there. We're gonna walk into a club one night. We were changing in the parking lot, and I saw his white shoe. It just irritated me. He had, like, fucking. These white fag shoes on a friend of ours that we had Quaaludes, the whole thing. Like, four North Bergen guys were kids. And I remember I told him when he went inside, I go, dog, don't bring those shoes. And he came back. Ha, ha. I do what I want, okay? When we got to the location, he was fucking around. I saw the both shoes in the trunk. I took one and threw it in the garbage and just put it. And he's like, where's my shoe? I can't even go in the club. I don't want to. You have to wait out here now, okay? And for years, he tore that car apart looking for that one fucking shoe. When I was doing the cases up in Snowmass, if I didn't like you, I would break into your house just to take a snow boot. You know those snow boots that you get? The expensive one? You take one snow boot from somebody, see what happens, and then check on them. How you doing? What's going on, man? I lost my snow boot. I saw one down the road. You know, there's so many things you could do to people and have such a good time on your own without nobody knowing. And I could do it to somebody for a while and keep the straight face and ask them how did it come about and they're telling you, you got to hold it. Any problem with the FBI, all that? You got to hold it to yourself. How do you.

[Lee Syed]

How do you pick a new target? Is it. So do you have to like the person to want to torture them? Or does someone piss you off in a day? You're like, oh, this is a new guy.

[Joey Diaz]

No, I have to love you. But at the same time, I cannot believe you're so stupid you're gonna let this happen to you. So I got torture you.

[Lee Syed]

You're gonna let it happen.

[Joey Diaz]

I do it for you out of love, like I tell you who's gonna have a major league problem. My daughter. Oh, she has no idea that I'm gonna manipulate her. Just through pictures, signs, sounds, you know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syed]

Like, when is it gonna start? Like in, like at 16.

[Joey Diaz]

It started already. I say to her already, like, you hear that? You know, stuff like that, you know, you gotta mess with them a little bit to keep them on. Oh, she has no idea.

[Lee Syed]

I can't wait till she really starts dating my wife.

[Joey Diaz]

My wife falls asleep in the middle of the night. I get up to pee. I get up to pee at 3 in the morning, pee. Look at the cat in the bathroom. And I go back to bed. And right before I'm about to put my sleep apnea mask on, I look at my wife and she's laying like this. It could be 3:30 in the morning. I just go, I just. Pedophile. This has been going on for 25 fucking years. Yeah, I'll wake her up. What are you doing?

[Lee Syed]

You just wipe down her face.

[Joey Diaz]

I make that noise, that's what kills it. You do that to somebody every night at three in the morning when you go to hell. Just those little things, they weigh on you, but you don't even know how to look. I could throw water at you, or I could tie you up and just drop. What's that? Chinese water torch.

[Lee Syed]

Yeah, just one drop on the same spot.

[Joey Diaz]

Drop in the same spot.

[Lee Syed]

That is you. You're the Chinese water torture as a person. Oh, my God. Oh my God, that is so funny. Do you wake up on purpose? Do you even go pee? Or do you just wake up to do that to your wife?

[Joey Diaz]

If I go pee and I remember, I'll come back to bed, look at her and go, let me pet her and I'll give her. So I started doing it to my daughter. Now she's not sleeping, she's awake. But when I hug her, I go. She goes dad, don't do that again. Next time I hug, she'd do it again. So it's just. It's just a constant reminder that I'm fucking there, okay?

[Lee Syed]

Oh. Oh, my God. But the worst thing anyone can do. Oh, go ahead.

[Joey Diaz]

I had a dear, dear friend, okay. When I was growing up, still talked, but not a lot. He's out of his mind. Love him. Love him.

[Lee Syed]

You might have tortured him doing this.

[Joey Diaz]

We used to hang out a lot, A lot. And we would go to this bar, like, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays for about a year. It wasn't a hot bar. It was an old people bar. It was on Kennedy Boulevard. And we would go there to do coke because there wasn't a lot of people there. And you'd get away with shit in there. And for years, I would go in there, and there was an old woman that sat there every night. She was like a relic from the neighborhood. And if I went in there, I would give that seat in the middle, but I would sit next to her because I had a friend that would walk in and fall from my trap. And he'd sit in that fucking chair, okay? And I'd give him a beer. I give him a line of coat. And then I'd sit there all night and go, yeah, that's all I do. That's all I would do. I pull out my mouth. So he was sitting here, and I put my hand in, I go, yeah.

[Lee Syed]

And I do that.

[Joey Diaz]

That same wording. Yeah, that's it. I don't even know what that means. Yeah, that's all I would do. And he would sit there. After a minute, he'd go, dog, this lady won't say. Won't stop saying, Zenya, whatever the fuck.

[Lee Syed]

And that's when you know it's working.

[Joey Diaz]

And every night, every time I sit next to her and for years, Zenya. Zenya. And he would sit there like, why she keeps saying that? I don't know why it sound like the old lady I worked for. I had Rudy Moreno, who was my brother, God rest his soul. He died after Covid and stuff. Rudy gave me a lot of comedy work, and I loved Rudy, but Rudy knew that from the minute I walked in. Because I used to tell him, rudy, don't fuck me. I got a spot at the store at 10:30. So sometimes I torture people because they fuck with me first. You call me and go, joe, I got a spot for you. What time is the spot? Quarter to 10. You sure? Cause I got a spot at 10:30. So I got to be off that stage at 10, dog. And I got to be on the fucking 101 then to the 5 to make it back to Hollywood. So don't tell me. I get down there and also I'm going up at fucking nine. Now I'm missing the $15, and this motherfucker's giving me a check, you know what I'm saying? Like, what the fuck, right? So I said, this motherfucker wants to fuck with me, so I would get down there at 8. If you get there at 8, then I'll put you up early another time. I get there at 8, motherfucker puts me up at 9. I go, that's it with this punk bitch. So I started showing up early. He'd be where George is sitting. That's the stage in front of me, right? The camera. And I'd be looking at the stage, and every three minutes I go, rudy, Rudy, Rudy. You do that during a comedy show, Rudy. The guys on stage, people, even people would start turning around like, what's going on? Rudy, Rudy, Rudy. And then he would turn around. Coco, what the. What time am I going up? No, no. I would ask him, like, something. It's gonna rain tomorrow. Like, something superbly like. Nothing to do with the show. And he would always bring one of those things for your breath mints. The can.

[Lee Syed]

Oh, Tic Tacs.

[Joey Diaz]

No, Mentos, whatever the fuck those are. He would get the cinnamon ones that are delicious, but if you eat the whole can, you shit blood for a day. Would go up to him, rudy, where's the Mentos? They're right there. And I would get one every three minutes after.

[Lee Syed]

Oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

Right in front of him. Every three minutes, Like, I'd pop it. And he'd sit there like, what the. And then after the Mentos were gone, I go right back to the Rudy.

[Lee Syed]

I'm surprised he didn't pull you up just to get you out of there.

[Joey Diaz]

Eventually, he started putting me up second. He would give me my check and get me out of there by 8:30.

[Lee Syed]

I love it.

[Joey Diaz]

And then I'd throw in, Rudy. We got a Chinese dinner with this Rooney. We got a Chinese dinner. You know how many times he just gave me money out of his pocket? Like, go, go, go.

[Lee Syed]

Did you even get the food? Or you just wanted to torture him?

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, I would torture him. Another time, he would give me two gigs in one night, and he paid me for both gigs. I'd do the first one, but not show up for the second one. Oh, my God.

[Lee Syed]

What was your excuse?

[Joey Diaz]

I didn't feel like doing it, Rudy. Oh my God, he would lose his fucking mind. But though, you know, if you're gonna give me that. I had my other dude. I had a dude convinced that I had the best cocaine across the country. Any city you go to now, all the cities he was going to, I was going to. So I knew these cities, but I didn't get coke in these cities. Some cities I got lucky, but other cities you don't. But I would tell him I did. Started like a year in advance. Like, dog, when I go to Cleveland, I get this shit from the fucking samurais. Remember Mother of Pearl? Because he was my age. I remember Mother of Pearl would just drip down your throat. He'd go, yeah, I remember that. And I'd get him all fired up. And then when he'd go to that town, I'd call him on Thursday and I go, you bring anything with you? He goes, I got enough to cover tonight, tomorrow, maybe Saturday. I go, do it all tonight. I got a guy showing up tomorrow that's gonna rock your.

[Lee Syed]

Oh, no.

[Joey Diaz]

He called me the next morning, man, I did it all. What time's your guy showing? He's showing about 7:30. Now I knew what hotel he was in, so I knew the landmark. There's a diabolical. There's a library down the corner. And I would tell him, go down there. He's a Chinese guy, his name is Ming. I would just build up the fucking whole weekend for him. I did this to him every weekend, guys, for like a year and a half. It became like a joke. I still remember sending him on a mission before I left the house. I was in California, it must have been 9:30. And I'm like, you're done with the show? And I go, yeah. And he goes, do me a favor. Go to the White Horse in the center of town. He's like, Joey, it's eight degrees. I go, you'll be there in 10 minutes, man. Okay, I'll call you from the White Horse. I'd be in the car headed to the store and the phone would ring. What's up? I'm at the White Horse. Is he coming? He's coming. Ain't nobody coming. I don't even know anybody in Pennsylvania. And I'm telling him, wait at the Horse and Dog. Do you know, one night I went and did comedy and did two shows, got off stage and he calls like, man, I've been out here for two hours waiting. I'm like, you can't. And then he would buy Coke from me, from el compadre. And he wouldn't see me. So I would take the money that he'd give me, pick up the coke. And then he had a camera. So he'd see me come in, put the coke down, but I would just put like a phony envelope and fucking take it back. And he never saw it. So he knew I was there. He knew I opened up the mailbox, but there was no coke in the mailbox. I did that to him like two times. He's like, oh, no. I don't know if it's my daughter. I don't know if it's my cunt wife. Dog. I had this guy on a different fucking world of torture.

[Lee Syed]

I love that you let other people get to blame you. Like, yeah, it probably was your wife.

[Joey Diaz]

Don't talk to your wife. I stole. Every time I go to his house and he had a CD on. I'd steal his CDs. I'd steal the CD in the thing. And he called me and go, what happened to my cd? I don't fucking know live there.

[Lee Syed]

I don't. What did you. Did you listen to the CD or you just like throw it out the window?

[Joey Diaz]

Out the window? What do I give a. About oh My Tramp or whatever the he was listening to Dog. Sometimes the best time. I had a guy in Seattle that a good, dear friend of mine. I still talk to him and he used to tell me all the time, you should get a business card that says Professional Torturer.

[Lee Syed]

You should just. And just give your services out like, because no one. The thing about the like, I would love. I love like most people like just annoy somebody. But you have like persistence and. And the creativity that I've never like. I've never seen anyone torture anybody like you.

[Joey Diaz]

There is somebody who I don't speak to. I haven't spoken to him in like five or six years. He doesn't live in Jersey or California. Nothing. I know where he lives and I've thought of a thousand ways on how to get him. Because I don't want to kill him. I want to traumatize him till he kills himself.

[Lee Syed]

Oh, Jesus. That's like Hannibal Lecter style.

[Joey Diaz]

No, kind of. But with devices and noises and sounds and you know, what about smells?

[Lee Syed]

Have you ever like left someone in someone. Somebody's house?

[Joey Diaz]

Like took a. In a guy's box and put in his drawer in prison?

[Lee Syed]

I forgot about.

[Joey Diaz]

He found the piece of. Fucking three months later. It went from a 12 inch piece. It was all little like a Hot dog with a little flag in it. Anyway, that's a complete different story. But I thought for about a year I would go to bed at night, dog. And as I was falling asleep, I go, no, no, no. Think about how you would torture this guy. And some nights I would get up and write notes.

[Lee Syed]

Oh, dog.

[Joey Diaz]

It would be a slow Pro. Between 14 months he would go into witsack or shoot himself. Because I know the person ain't shit, right? He's not dick, okay? He's not dick. He's not. And the way I'm not strong enough to handle it, no, not the way I'm going at him. You take pictures of them, mail it to them, you know what I'm saying? You take a picture with your hand at a supermarket about to touch his back. Oh, you're that close. But you don't know who's that close that you have to a month of doing that.

[Lee Syed]

How often are you sending pictures? Like once a week.

[Joey Diaz]

Once a week, middle of the night, flowers, anything that you could send with.

[Lee Syed]

Dude, this sounds like this like the, the horror movie.

[Joey Diaz]

This is a horror movie. I would make your life a horror movie. See for you young audiences, they made a movie in 1973 called the Mechanic and then they remade it again in 2000 with the good looking guy. Whether it's terrible, it's not. I didn't see the new one, but I could tell I didn't have to see it because of that movie from 73 showed you was how to be a murderer but be methodical about it. So in this movie, Charles Bronson just didn't kill you when he got a hit on you. He got your medical records, he got everything about you and made it look like a heart attack. That's was always a fucking heart attack, okay? But there was a lead up to that heart attack, okay? He would put you to the wringer for you to have that heart attack. You're not going to get it. One time running up a hill and him saying, run, run, there's a fire. You're not going to get it right. You have to, you know, put him in a mental place that when he does it, that's the move is putting him in that mental place. And I think about, okay, it's easy for me. George is going to understand what I'm talking about. When you do cocaine, you get so fucking paranoid that what's going on and what you see at any given time is two different complete stories. Like I'll tell you at night and dog, I had 20, 20 vision. At the time, I was 22 years old. I remember one night, 20ft away, I thought it was a dog. I thought it was a man with a dog. And basically it was a fire hydrant. Okay? The man was imaginary. I still remember being in Boulder in the halfway house and getting a furlough to my wife's house. At the time we were dating. And her dad, you know, he's Catholic. He didn't want me sleeping in the house, so I slept in the trailer, which was great because I brought an eight ball. I was in that motherfucker alone all night, drinking and snorting. But I'll never forget that night. I saw. At one point, I hallucinated. I saw three guys with machine guns on, with a white jacket, those white hoods that they wear in the winter.

[Lee Syed]

To shoot like 007 style.

[Joey Diaz]

007 shit with machine guns on ropes. I remember seeing it and grasping, like your heart's going. And you wait for the door to get kicked in. You hear noises. I remember a time looking out a window at a hotel and cars kept stopping. And I'm like, that's the FBI switching cars on me. It was an ATM downstairs, you dumb fuck. You know, I mean, the shit that your mind twists and that's what you're doing without the drugs. You're making their mind twist without the hallucinogenics. So at first they don't really know what's going on. They misplace. A watch. They misplace. When we went to. I took his phone. Oh, yeah.

[Lee Syed]

Getting in the car, that's the beginning of it.

[Joey Diaz]

If I was going to torture Lee, I would have never gave Lee back that phone. I would have gone to the bathroom, took the SIM card out and shoved it down the toilet. And that's the beginning of it.

[Lee Syed]

I would love to see.

[Joey Diaz]

Next time he comes here another time, I'll take something else from him. How does this keep happening to me?

[Lee Syed]

You ever move something around like. Like just move the forks to the other side of the thing. Like, I thought the forks were on the right side.

[Joey Diaz]

When I was a kid, My mother was a sticky fingered bitch. God rest her soul. My mother was a sticky fingered bitch. And before I ever got blamed for anything in my life, I got blamed for something I was not doing as a child. I didn't even think like that, guys, because I was such a fag Catholic. I was in Catholic school five fucking nights a week. So I was such a fag Catholic that, you know, this was it. And every fucking once a week when I got home from Catholic school, my stepfather would go to Jewel. Were you in this money? No, I didn't know that money was. Why would I be in that money? I make my own money. I fucking work bingo at the church on Sunday nights and. And I fucking deliver papers when I'm home on the weekend. And I do this. And he would always accuse me. Did you take that 20 bucks off the desk dog? I didn't take it. And it became a thing for like a year and a half. And I go, you know what? I go, it's either me or my mother. It ain't fucking me. So if I'm gonna get accused for it, I'm gonna start. So before I started robbing him, I started fucking with him. So those Cubans think differently, those old style Cubans. He wouldn't put all his money together. He put 5,000 a rubber band. But he rubber banded a weird way. He put like a hair follicle in there. So if you fucking move the rubber band, you just looked at the money. He was a genius. Like that. Or he put an initial on it with like something green or something. And he would put that under where you have your colognes. He would put that underneath. He would just throw it underneath. And then there was a fucking bedroom upstairs in the attic. And there was a piece in the bedroom. I found the gun with a silencer in there and like a pile of fucking money. That one was. The money was long. The money wasn't in a nut, okay? Not. That's where he had the money and the money was long. And then there was a spot downstairs when you pulled in with the car closet. And he had all his jackets in there. Every one of those jackets had money in that fucking in that jacket. So I said, I'm not going to touch, you know, like 500 this jacket, 400 this. He's not going to know about these. He's got five grand upstairs and ten grand under here. Not in the straight money. So I would take the five grand and the ten grand and switch them, okay?

[Lee Syed]

Because he would go see that something was wrong. Then we go check to see the other one. And then he'll be like, oh, wait.

[Joey Diaz]

So whatever closet he went to, and he thought he was like a master technician, let me go downstairs. And he'd go, fuck, I put the money in the wrong place. Now I had him. Now he knows he's fucking up. How did I do that? I'm always on top of stuff. I'm always efficient. Two weeks later, switch the money again on Him. I could see him when he got home two days later, racing around the house, talking. Everything all right? That's the money I hid from you. And that's how it started. He had this big Chivas Regal bottle. Like, they don't even make this bottle no more. It was gigantic. It had pennies in the bottom for San Lazaro, and then silver dollars, Dog to the top. And one day he goes, did you take a silver dollar out of there? I go, no. Why? He goes, because I got them counted. What did you do? Did you actually take them all out, count them and put them? I mean, that's how sick he was. I started stealing the silver dollars because if you took 10 silver dollars, you could not. If you took 300 out of there, you couldn't notice that's how many silver dollars he had in this bottle in front of his San Lazaro.

[Lee Syed]

But there'd be one missing. Anything he'd notice.

[Joey Diaz]

No, I would never take anything. That's obvious. I would always switch his money. So he had three piles of money. The attorney money, the numbers money. I don't know what the money in the attic was for, but the money in the attic was straight. And I can never mess with it. Do you foul? Unless I took two grand out and reband aid it and put it next to it. Then he's really fucking crazy. Like, he's like, one of these motherfuckers is fucking with me. So I would switch the money on him for a while, and then I just started going, Big 500. Because then he started moving spots on me. But I could tell when the garage opened, I could tell how many steps he took downstairs.

[Lee Syed]

Oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm one of those motherfuckers. I'm a professional thief. Guys, I'm going to count how many seconds it takes you to get to that play. I remember one time, about 25 fucking years ago in Boulder, a dear friend of mine and I got a quarter ounce of coke and he gave me an eight ball. And he goes, go home and do it. That's yours. But he was going to a wedding the next day, and he goes, I'm only taking a gram. And I'll never forget breaking into his house because I called him. He goes, I'm in Saratoga. I'm fucking having a great time. That coke is great. I should have brought it all with me, dog. I don't even know this guy. But I went into his house and I remembered how he walked into the house and there was a fucking. A fucking dollhouse from his daughter when she was a kid. And I looked at it, because that's the last thing you turned. And I opened up the drawer and there was the coke right in the fucking drawer. And I'm like, merry Christmas. I will fucking trace your steps. I will count how long you're going to be down there. You get out of the car, you slam the door, you look around, you walk in the fucking house. It's cold out. Why are you out there? The other day, dog, the other day I walked up. I drove last week I drove up. It sent me up 88th Street. 80. We know where 88th Street park is, okay. Coming up from Tunnel. And I'll never forget that. I'm coming up that block and I go, oh, it sent me the other way. So I'm coming this way down the 80th, and I'm torn up to Kennedy Boulevard. And I'm looking at that house in the corner. And I grew up in that house. That's Kurt Delorenzo's house. And we were growing up. I'll never forget that. I stopped there and I giggled a little bit, and I made the left. And there was no other cars there. So I drove real slow past the fucking house. And I had a memory about Chris, the one I still talk to now. We just hung out Saturday night for a little while. He was like a coke dealer at the time in 84. I'd moved back and I was staying with him. And I was working at Swift Electric. So I'd have to walk up that hill and catch the Bergen Line bus and then take it to Swift Electric, which is on 43rd Street. But I have to work Saturdays, you know, eight to one. That's what you do when you're broke. You work Saturdays, right? Yeah, I was getting like 5:50 an hour or something for overtime. You know what I'm saying? This motherfucker. I'll never forget being out there one morning and looking by his car and seeing gram packages all over. And I'm like, what the fuck is this? So I look under the car and there's a Tupperware container. He would hide the coke under the car. But it gets better. I picked up every gram and put it in my pocket. I'm like, 1 gram, 2 grams, 3 grams. There's like 5 grams. But it led to a barbecue and then his door to his house. I get to. It's the wintertime. I open up the barbecue. Jesus Christ, there's a bag of coke. This fucking bake. I just. I just counted the steps. He Couldn't leave all the coke together because then you rob it all. So he left the Tupperware under the car and he put the big bag of coke under there. I would leave the big bag, but I'd steal the Tupperware every Saturday morning. Because he did the same shit every Saturday morning. And. And every Saturday night he blamed on his brother Amiel, God rest his soul. Every Saturday he tell me, amiel keeps robbing my coke. And I go, jesus Christ. But at that time, Amiel was on to his own thing. So I didn't feel guilty cuz Amiel was robbing him too. But you just. It's just weird how you know, people's patterns, I guess.

[Lee Syed]

But I don't think a lot of people. Like, I would never. If I was thinking about robbing somebody or just like, oh, he's been down there for six seconds. I can walk around for six seconds and figure out where he hit it. That's like. That's like a Beautiful Mind level of, like, thievery. That's. That's pretty impressive.

[Joey Diaz]

George was laying in bed one night, okay, one afternoon, listening to kids barbecue outside. And two hours later, the cops are knocking on his door that somebody robbed the lady that was having the barbecue. And Joy's like, I don't know nothing. I'm in the bed laughing my ass off because I took the envelope. She's outside cooking. No purses there. Where's the purse? I walked upstairs, the purse is right on the kitchen table with the deposit slip right there. Right in the purse, hanging. It's. It's this fucking thing. It's like a sixth sense. And I'm not proud of it. I'm not fucking proud of it at all. Well, this is what it is.

[Lee Syed]

But have you ever. Because I know, I know, I know you don't want Mercy to be like a thief, but have you thought about teaching her how to torture people?

[Joey Diaz]

No. It has to.

[Lee Syed]

Really.

[Joey Diaz]

It's a gift. I did this shit when I was. I'm just telling you, I did this to my stepfather when I was 10. This is not.

[Lee Syed]

You were 10?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, that shit.

[Lee Syed]

What were you doing? $500.

[Joey Diaz]

Fucking. Buying basketballs and fucking bicycles and mini bikes and shit and hiding it. I was banking it. I was just banking money.

[Lee Syed]

Oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

So I had money in the bank with my mother, but I had money at the house under a carpet or some.

[Lee Syed]

So you just started hiding your money too?

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, my God, bro. At that age, I could do whatever the I wanted to, right? If I want to. Go to blimpy base in Union City. I go to blimpy base if I want to go.

[Lee Syed]

$500 at 10 years old, you're a millionaire.

[Joey Diaz]

If I want to go to a concert. Well, I didn't go to concerts back then. Back then I was a karate nerd. So I would go to the city on Saturdays and buy like a stars and fucking flying darts and all that stupidity. I wasn't. There was no drugs or nothing. But think about at that age, I already had that mentality of how to get ahead and how to bust people's. Listen, one thing about this is a bad point about me, that if I know you for a while, I start to study you. Like I know what George is going to do before he does it. I yelled at him before because of the wanton soup. Not yelled at him, broke his balls. I've known him so long and that's a gift that you'll never really have with people. But I learned that growing up, because growing up in Hudson county, especially in my house, especially in a lot of houses around here, you don't have time to talk. It was all based on a look, you know what I'm saying? It's all based on a fucking look. So you gotta read people like, I gotta know what you're gonna say, and I gotta know what I'm gonna say.

[Lee Syed]

Why is that bad?

[Joey Diaz]

To play ahead of the game.

[Lee Syed]

Yeah. To study people.

[Joey Diaz]

You have to. If you're gonna do stand up, if you're gonna be an actor, you know, and this is the shit psychiatrists do, whatever the psychologist and shit. No, this is the shit you do as a stand up. You know, when a headline is on stage, you're watching the headliner, but you're really watching the audience. You're watching how they react, how one person's on the phone, how one person's eating, how two people think they're in fucking heaven. They're looking at the comedian like, you know, that's what I like to do. You know, some people like to do. I like. I like to smoke a fucking joint and sit there in the car and watch people walk by for 20 minutes, 30 minutes, just watch people walk by, think about what they're thinking about. You know, I was telling my wife that I know men's breakdown. Like, I know men. And I'm not saying this the right way. I know how a life could end up and how I describe it to people is sitting on a plane in the front, whether you're in 7B or 8B. So you could actually see everybody who comes on the plane. And I tell this to people and I tell. And hopefully you guys will listen to what I'm saying to you. I'm not saying nothing bad to you, but when you sit in 6B or for years I sat in first class with Joe Rogan, it wasn't because I had any money. It's because his agent made you buy two first class tickets. And I would sit there and when everybody else was watching or reading, I'm watching people and I'm watching couples in particular, and I'm watching the women that just had a baby and they have the big Starbucks the size of a fucking milkshake. And they're walking like. And you know, and then you see the husband behind them and he wants to shoot himself in the fucking neck. He don't want to go nowhere, you know, he don't want to go. And he's got the kid, you know, he's got the kid because she's got the gallon Starbucks with the whipped cream all over her fat fucking fingers, right? And he's got the kid and he's got luggage and you could just see in his face, it's like, doug, and we've all lived through this. I know you lived through it. I don't know if you lived through it. I know you lived through it. The reason why I'm so lenient with my daughter is because for years I got taken to places that I didn't give an okay to, even as a child. One of those places being church. Okay, I don't know if people know this. And you always could tell a new couple, you're going to do this. You're definitely gonna do this because you're fag. Oh, thanks. You go to a church, it's fucking Sunday, all right? It's Sunday. It's 11 o'. Clock. You got a two year old and a three and a half year old. The two year old don't want to be there throughout the whole hour. You're shaking. The two year old, the four year old just looking around like, how long does this last? Why am I in this room with all these ugly fucking white people? You know? And the father's like, just beat up. He just wants to get home to watch the jacket. He doesn't care if he's Catholic, whatever. And you see this at every church you go to. You see a couple, two, three, four couples that three out of the four people don't want to be there. But there's somebody in that relationship that thinks this Is that important? And it very is important, but not right now, because you're making the people there uncomfortable. Your people that your kids like. Or you go to a church and they bring a chick that's autistic to church. I get it. But this kid's going to start fucking blowing whistles.

[Lee Syed]

I was waiting, I was like, oh, boy, where's this going to go? Whistles is probably the best case scenario, right?

[Joey Diaz]

As an American, I gotta sit there during three of the whistle breaks and go, you know, that poor kid, he's got problems. You know, God put him on the planet by the fifth or sixth whistle. I'm like, bro, what the fuck is this shit? You know what I'm saying? But we as Americans don't have that anymore. Where you are black, labeled, you're called the fucking. And that's why half the time I don't go out, because I know I'm going to say something. I'm too old anymore. I'm too old for magic tricks and for fucking, you know. But think about it, guys. And this is why me and my wife, we had a situation a couple years ago, and we've talked about it a lot, and we were like, doug, I didn't want to go there. You know, I didn't want to go there in the first place. I understand that. Your culture. We went one time, it worked out, but that's it. Never again. You go. Go by yourself. You could get a plane ticket, fly out of Newark and be there in three hours. But people think, you know, yeah, we're going to go to my parents for New Year's. No, we're not. No, we're not. I ain't going fucking nowhere. You know, everything is like. And that's what I don't like about, like, church. When you see there's some people that just don't want to do shit in the relationship if you're making them go to fucking church and sit there with you two retard kids, you know, making noises and moving around. They don't want to be there either. Let's go. Give me a fucking. Kids, I'm out of here. You come home later, stop for donuts, I'll have lunch cooked for you. You know, I'd rather do that. You're the Catholic one. Go down there and jump up and down and, you know, Right.

[Lee Syed]

Don't force people to do something.

[Joey Diaz]

And I told my wife all the time, what would you do? Well, my mother was still awake. I'd be a worthless man. I'd be in prison. But what would you do if my mother was still alive, thinking the way she did? I go, you wouldn't tolerate that shit at all. And guess what? I wouldn't expect you to fucking tolerate it. I wouldn't fucking expect you to tolerate. That's too deep of a Cuban shit. And those motherfuckers don't give a fuck. They'll talk Spanish in front of you and try to break it down, and it sounds even worse. Just don't say a fucking word to them. They're American and you're fucking Spanish, and they don't know shit. But there was so many situations, you know? And my wife finally and me came to a conclusion after 25 fucking years that for some shit, not everybody has to go, you know, not everybody has to fucking go to these places. Yeah, I could see when a man is broken, you know, I want to break him not, right? A chubby wife drinking Starbucks whipped cream on her fingers. But to get to that thing, it takes a while to break somebody. And even when I got in trouble, my job was to torment Vella in different ways. I could never get to him. I can never get to him right? But I would, you know, that's when you start doing again. You can't make it obvious, but you have to think that they're losing their mind first.

[Lee Syed]

And you can't go too strong at the beginning, because then it's too obvious, just a little bit.

[Joey Diaz]

So it's very lightly. And you pile it on. And you pile it on. Sort of how I did with Joe Rogan that he brought was funny because he just called me, I looked at it, I just missed his call. And it's, like, so weird how that worked out perfectly, because when he said to me that every time he talks to Joe, he hears a click on the phone, I knew I had them that said, I could run with this for 10 years.

[Lee Syed]

It's fucking Wheel of Fortune in your eyes. You're like, oh, this is the jackpot.

[Joey Diaz]

And I do this to everybody. You know, we were talking about, let's get it out in the open. We were talking about things that. You see, I became friends with somebody last year that when I first became friends with this person, I was informed that she wanted to do a podcast. Within 25 minutes, I had naked pictures. And, you know, it didn't matter. It didn't matter. I knew she was bad news. And I go, you know what? I don't want to just stop talking to this person. I'm going to keep them around like a fucking leash you know, and she would call me every three weeks with a story. I never really hung out with her after that. It wasn't even worth the aggravation. But I knew that where I was going with this broad was gonna be trouble. Okay? And I knew that there was no way this could ever happen. I already blown my life 18 different times. This could not happen. I really liked her, but not for those reasons. Right. I thought that we could bring her in as a podcast chick or something like that. She's hot. She's something different. She would tell about her horror stories, but she. Okay. And then like after one phone call, like in June, we had. I thought about it. I go, I'm letting this woman torture me where I should be torturing her. And I started my mental mind fuck with her. And it was very subtle. I just. You're not going to see me, right? And when you do see me, it's going to be something weird.

[Lee Syed]

It's too late.

[Joey Diaz]

And I kept doing this and I kept. And I wanted to see if she snapped. And she did. Because I always tell people, everybody's got a price, right? No matter what your beliefs are. Yeah, but I'm a Christian. I never did that. Everybody's got a price. And I did one of my most torturous moves ever. And cold blooded.

[Lee Syed]

Oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

Okay. One of the coldest blooded. I was in the fucking hospital pulling these strings. That's how big my Jimmy is.

[Lee Syed]

Oh, my God. You were torturing someone from the hospital?

[Joey Diaz]

From the hospital. Laughing to myself, watching my blood pressure go up from the giggling in my heart. Oh, my God. And I saw her fracture. And then what did I do? I had two options. I go to war with her or dismiss her altogether. And I dismissed her again. And I saw her lose her mind again. And then I finally had her to get rid of. I finally had to tell her that, you know, she was an abortionist and, you know, all this other shit.

[Lee Syed]

An abortionist.

[Joey Diaz]

And guess what? What? A month later, the phone rang and it was her again. And the way I answered the phone, it must have been in my voice and my heart. I just said. I didn't say it.

[Lee Syed]

Haven't you had enough?

[Joey Diaz]

But I was thinking it, and sometimes thinking something like, really? Because when I looked at the phone, I was sitting in my car, just calling my agents and shit. And I was on the phone with somebody. I saw her name pop up. And I'm like, nah, I don't have my. I don't have my glasses on.

[Lee Syed]

Yeah, I'm seeing This wrong, right?

[Joey Diaz]

Like I'm saying this wrong. There's no way this person could be calling me. And do you know that I stayed on the 1st. I stayed on the phone with my agent. And do you know that 25 minutes later, when I got the phone, my agent, she called again. And I sat there and let it ring like three times because I couldn't believe it. After the torturing and the saying things to her and the baby's head and all this stuff, here she is on the phone to tell me they're having a sale at where she works. But the whole time I'm like, going, are you fucking serious? And it's weird that after you torture them, now they start torturing themselves. Now they just get into the cycle that you don't even have to do anything anymore.

[Lee Syed]

You've completely broken them, huh? You've just broken them. To torture yourself is pretty bad, huh? To torture yourself is pretty bad.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. Because after a while, you just torture them and you don't have to do nothing because not seeing them is worse than somebody. But there's a way to do it. For me to walk in a room and Nick's in the room, and I want to let him know I'm not talking to him. That's not it. Nick's gonna call me a fat scumbag. I'm gonna call him Nick a cocksucker. And guess what I'm doing tomorrow? I'm disappearing.

[Lee Syed]

Oh, why?

[Joey Diaz]

So guess what? Every time Nick goes to the Cuban place, they're gonna say to Nick, have you seen Joey Diaz? And he's gonna go, no, I haven't. We're not talking. But he's going to hear that three places you guys see somebody and Rudy's going to say, you see Joey Diaz? No, he hasn't been here three weeks. Then he goes somewhere else. George, have you seen Joey Diaz talk? No, I haven't talked to him. Why is everybody asking about Joe Diaz right now? That's the torture. That's the first torture. The places I used to go, I disappear from. And then.

[Lee Syed]

So even when you're not torturing them, like, you're just hearing you to torture them.

[Joey Diaz]

Torture.

[Lee Syed]

One thing. When you guys are getting along, you're like, oh, he's gonna hate this eventually.

[Joey Diaz]

Because now everywhere they go, they're gonna go, we haven't seen Joey in a month. Two months.

[Lee Syed]

Oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

And now you're gonna go, I haven't fucking seen Joe either. What the fuck is he doing? What is he plotting? What is he. What Is he thinking, what the fuck is going on? And now that's it. I just. You just paid me rent. I just moved into your head for fucking free.

[Lee Syed]

Jesus, dude. What? You are. And that is a good word for you because you plot a lot.

[Joey Diaz]

You. Everything has to be. Listen, a man without a plan is not a man. Nietzsche said that you can run around for years. You're gonna run around till you're 35, 36, and go, this ain't working. I gotta cut the fat and attack this the right way. And that's all that happens. You just learn how to get better and better as a human being. And you try the best, right? Doesn't mean you have to have a boat or you have to be 50 cent or you have to hang out with Diddy. It just means. And that's where people are confused. Everybody wants to take those Instagram pictures. Excuse me. With models and boats and bitches and gold chains. They don't tell you they got to bring it back in an hour that the gold chains are on rental.

[Lee Syed]

Jesus, dude.

[Joey Diaz]

What do you got this week? Pierre Cardan, this week?

[Lee Syed]

Friday I'm at Bedford Falls, and then Saturday I'm at the Gaff west, and I'll be popping in around the Comedy Shop at Sheba's during the week. But those are the two big ones this week. What about you? You got anything this week?

[Joey Diaz]

I got nothing. I got nothing. I gotta go to the bladder doctor again on Wednesday. My daughter's got a recital Wednesday night. This is orchestra. This ain't jazz band. Last week was very interesting to see a play the bass with her fucking fingers and shit. And she got all dolled up. It was fucking crazy.

[Lee Syed]

That's awesome.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, it was good to go there and see the. Because a lot of these kids I know from softball, right? But I haven't seen them since they're nine or ten. You see them and you're like, what the fuck happened? So it was pretty interesting. It was nice to do. I took them out to dinner afterward. Everybody had a nice time. You know, I couldn't go to the dojo on Wednesday night. I don't know if they're doing it this week, if they're doing it Wednesday. I'll probably end up going, I'm gonna see what time I get out of the orchestra.

[Lee Syed]

Nice.

[Joey Diaz]

And then take it from there. I think there's something tomorrow night. Tonight I'm gonna do something in South Amboy or something cool. And that's it, man. I'm just trying my best. I'm getting ready to kick up the new year with some new shit.

[Lee Syed]

And getting ready for the St. George Theater.

[Joey Diaz]

And getting ready for the St. George Theater. And motherfucking beautiful Staten Island. Knocking on Raw Crown's door for some chocolate bread like a motherfucker. We still got the butter. George saved it.

[Lee Syed]

I saw that.

[Joey Diaz]

George saved it for his birthday.

[Lee Syed]

It's cold enough here that it's probably fine.

[Joey Diaz]

I love you motherfuckers. Thank you very much for watching and we'll see you next week, same time, same bad channel. Yeah, happy holidays, Uncle Joe here. Listen, fellas, it's time to level up your big dick game. Bluechew just dropped Blue Chew Gold. Listen, bluechew Gold is a four in one tablet. With the mix of key ingredients and increased blood flow arousal, Blue Chew Gold dissolves under your tongue. It works in as little as 15 minutes. You don't have to wait there like a mook, you know. Listen, this stuff is tremendous. It said 15 minutes. All you gotta do is think of what that monkey looks like and that soldier will be pop up. I'll be at attention. That helmet will be nice and pink, just how they like it. You know what I'm saying? Medium rare. Yeah. Get your confidence back in a single tablet. Make life easier by getting harder. Discover your [e-mail]. it's December. You understand me? New Year's is coming. Christmas is coming. Everybody wants a Christmas present. You're going to give them the best Christmas present they ever got. Dick for 12 days straight with Blue Chew Gold. Listen, we got a special deal for church family. Get 10% off your first month of Bluechew Gold with Code Joey. Listen, for years we've been giving you a little Bluechew every month on the house. Listen, we got a new formula and you got to jump on it. All right? Again, that's promo code Joey. Bluechew.com for more details, important safety information. And I want to thank Bluechew for sponsoring this podcast. And I also want to thank you for putting together Bluechew Gold. Because a lot of men are going to dig this. And I love the way you sling that fucking hammer. You're not even going to believe it's you. You're going to keep pumping. Pumping. Nuns coming out. What the fuck? It's Blue Chew Gold. Merry Christmas. It.