Joey Diaz has had enough!

Summary

Podcast Summary

Podcast: The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament
Episode: Joey Diaz has had enough!
Date: May 19, 2026
Hosts: Joey Coco Diaz & Lee Syatt
Location: LIVE from NYC

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Overview

In this lively and no-holds-barred episode, comedian Joey Diaz and his co-host Lee Syatt reunite after a brief hiatus for an episode filled with traveling tales, reflections on personal change, comedy industry insights, and classic stories laced with Joey's signature humor and uncensored opinions. Broadcasting live from New York City, they delve into topics ranging from Lee’s trip to Japan to Joey’s recovering health, changing tastes, the comedy business, the immigrant experience, and the evolving definition of “cool.” The episode is rich with anecdotes, jokes, and the chemistry of two long-time friends riffing on life and laughter.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Reuniting After a Break: Surgeries and Travel

• [00:03 - 00:56] Joey returns after surgery and Lee from his first vacation in 15 years, reflecting on absence, personal health, and time away.
• Lee talks about how being in a country without knowing the language made him more empathetic to immigrants in the U.S.

  “Going somewhere and you can’t speak the language … made me think a lot about people coming here and like me being a little bit more understanding.” (Lee, [00:38])

2. Lee’s Japan Adventure

• Experiences in Japan: language barriers, food, cultural quirks, stand-up in Tokyo (mostly for expats at the Tokyo Comedy Bar), and the no-tipping culture.

  "Tokyo makes New York look small … we did like 25,000 to 28,000 steps a day for like five days straight." (Lee, [01:21])

• Stand-up in Tokyo: Mainly non-Japanese audience, likening himself to Tom Rhodes, and finding joy in the small venue scene ([02:38]).
• Crazy travel mishaps: Fight on a plane over a reclining seat, getting scammed by a NYC cabbie, and the horror of driving on the left in Okinawa.

  "He just kept kicking it like he was a kid." (Lee, about the airplane spat, [04:22])

• Observations about Japanese society: incredible cleanliness, public transportation, formal cab drivers, and strange traffic customs ([06:11]).

3. Food, Culture Clash, and Changing Tastes

• Discussion about Japanese cuisine and Joey’s refusal to walk long distances for sightseeing.

  “I don’t wanna walk anywhere … you get like two blocks out of me.” (Joey, [05:58])

• Deliberations over combinations like chocolate bread with savory foods, scrambled eggs, and Joey’s waning interest in eggs after decades of devotion.

  “I haven’t had an egg yolk in a month now. Can’t even look at it.” (Joey, [41:47])

• Lee is surprised by differences in egg quality abroad (“like, the yolks are like, orange … you’ve had it, I haven’t” [14:39]) and stories about rare and delicious food in Japan ([54:14]).

4. Reflections on Comedy and the Industry

• Joey’s desire for simplicity, describing his reduced ambitions and focus post-surgery.

  “Right now, today, I’m just a stand up comic … I just want to do stand up. I’m not interested in … just write the joke and shut your fuckin’ mouth.” (Joey, [23:36])

• Lee shares a story about outperforming a social-media-famous comedian by just being himself onstage ([24:27]).
• Joey’s perspective on industry “types,” the inauthenticity of L.A., and the shallow pursuit of image over substance.

  “What I didn’t like was the world I was in … I just hated the world I lived in. That style of person … everything’s marvelous and we gotta go there and hug in the tree. That’s not. That’s never been me.” (Joey, [21:02])

5. The Immigrant Experience: Empathy and Respect

• Lee’s Japan trip shifts his perspective on immigrants struggling with language and culture.

  “Made me think about people coming here.” (Lee, [00:36])

• Joey underscores the importance of acknowledging service workers, immigrants, and their often-invisible struggles in restaurants and everyday life.

  “It’s very important to me to acknowledge those … not just the bartender, when they bring you bread, to look up and goof on them … even if you goof on them, you always call them primo.” (Joey, [50:19])

6. Reflections on Aging, Priorities, and Change

• Joey is explicit about enjoying his current phase: less hustle, more focus on family, and doing what he enjoys.

  “I really had my money’s worth, you know, and I’m very proud of that.” (Joey, [36:31])

• Discusses boredom with food, weed, and changing habits as part of growing older ([41:46]).
• Joey shares his intent to stay out of the Hollywood grind, joking about rejecting film auditions and preferring stability ([65:53]).

7. Story Time: Classic Joey Anecdotes

• Joey tells wild stories about fighting with producers, quitting low-pay jobs, and his time in the acting unions featuring his signature blend of humor and honesty ([66:31] – [74:19]).

  "I just punched him in the neck, right? Oh my God, this is the end of my cocaine run." (Joey, [72:03])

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On empathy for immigrants:

  "It's a joke here when we talk about the fucking migrants with the backpacks ... they're not retarded, they're scared. Not knowing a language, even though I goof on them ... they're scared." (Joey, [48:01])

• On the comedy world:

  “There’s a problem. OK, there’s a problem. Then the more you get into it, it molds your mind … Standup has pressures you don’t see, you feel, and then they pop up later … it’s just like going to Vietnam. You’re gonna come back with a little bit of that PTSD.” (Joey, [25:08])

• On authenticity vs. image culture:

  “They just weren’t happy with being themselves. So every day is a new adventure. … I’m not gonna drive a BMW because it’s cool or niche or – that’s never been me.” (Joey, [21:02])

• On life priorities:

  “I worked hard with you guys to earn this time off. This was earned. Had to break my balls, you know, and I don’t give a fuck.” (Joey, [65:27])

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Important Timestamps & Segments

• 00:03 – 00:56: Joey and Lee reunite; updates on health and travel
• 01:16 – 04:23: Lee describes his Japan trip, food, stand-up, and mishaps
• 10:29 – 14:22: Joey on recovering from surgery, life routines, and meal talk
• 20:19 – 25:37: Joey rants on aging, changing mindsets, the shallowness of Hollywood, and the comedy industry
• 36:31 – 41:31: Reflections on having “got his money’s worth” from life, burnout from repetition, and cutting out negativity
• 48:01 – 52:00: Empathy for immigrants and service workers; Lee’s shifted perspective post-Japan
• 56:07 – 59:01: Comedy dreams, building a career, and where to “make it”—America vs. abroad
• 66:31 – 74:19: Joey’s story about “Pizza and Bullets” movie fiasco—a classic Diaz tale

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Episode Flow & Tone

• Language/Tone: True to form, the conversation is unapologetically frank, explicit, and marked by the hosts’ directness, storytelling, and expletive-laden humor. Joey dominates with brutal honesty and hard-earned wisdom; Lee balances with lightness and curiosity.
• Flow: The episode moves organically from catching up and travel stories to reflections on the comedy world, life philosophy, food, and classic storytelling, forging a thread through themes of authenticity, aging, and self-awareness.

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For New Listeners

• Expect raw, real talk with zero filters on language or topics.
• The episode is rich in life lessons and comedy business insight, seasoned with colorful tales and Joey’s unique worldview.
• The hosts’ camaraderie and willingness to challenge each other's views make even the tangents entertaining.

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Takeaways

1. Life after hustle is worth celebrating — Joey cherishes the quieter phase after a hard-fought career.
2. Authenticity wins onstage (and off) — Both hosts dismiss “try-hard” culture in favor of honest self-expression.
3. Understanding others matters — Lee’s travel abroad increases empathy for newcomers and immigrants.
4. Change is inevitable (and welcome) — Palate, habits, and ambitions evolve with age.
5. Comedic success is subjective, but home turf matters — Both hosts agree that establishing oneself in America is critical before going global.

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Memorable Close:

“Let’s get something straight. This is exactly how I wanted my life. I could not live it when I was 25. But this, what I’m doing right now. I love what I’m doing right now.” (Joey, [62:03])

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This episode is a must-listen for fans of real talk, classic NYC storytelling, and anyone interested in the realities behind comedy, aging, and the pursuit of contentment.

Transcript

[A]

Kick this mule. What's happening? Beautiful people. It's the church of what's Happening Now. Next edition. Whatever the hell it is. I know we were gone last week. Lee was in Japan walking around. I had my surgery, but we're back in a big way. What's up, Tarzan?

[B]

Oh, I'm happy to be back. It was a good. It was a really fun. I haven't taken a vacation in 15 years. That was. And you know what was crazy. And I want. I wanted to. I was thinking about you the whole time. How crazy was it coming here not speaking the language? Or did you speak the language when you got here?

[A]

I don't even know.

[B]

Like, that was like I, I've been to Israel once or twice and then Japan. I mean Canada and Mexico. But like, not speaking the language was pretty interesting. It made me think a lot about people coming here and like me being a little bit more understanding because, like going somewhere and you can't speak the language and you can't like, talk to someone at the train station. And now with the phone you can like translate and kind of translates it for you. But even like the signs, like everything, like, it's just not speaking the language was really interesting.

[A]

And you gotta go up to people and point to the map and yeah. Food.

[B]

Food. Oh, food. They figured food. They knew food. They had English menus and they f. They didn't around. That was. It was. And it, you know what saved was great about it. It's one of the countries where they don't you, they get mad if you tip. Saved a lot of money. Not it's 20% on every. And, and it was amazing. It was, the food was out of. It was. It was just stuff that I'd never experienced. Like, I had. I ate an entire shrimp with like the head on a little fish. But I, I don't know. It was just the whole thing. Like Tokyo makes New York look small. I I, I pulled a you on one thing. We, we were, we like the third or fourth day we were walking and go see like this palace they had. And they kept sending us to the wrong part. So we did like 20,000. We did like 25, 28,000 steps a day for like five days straight. And we were sitting down. We had like another 10 minutes to go to get to the palace. We finally were on the right path and we looked at each other like, it's all right.

[A]

We just left.

[B]

Oh my God.

[A]

Who is looking for a palace? Where are you? Columbus?

[B]

Oh my God.

[A]

Leave the palace.

[B]

Just. And I, it Was. That was funny. But then I got to do Stand up in Tokyo. That was really cool. Made me think about Tom Rhodes, like, how he, how he did his career.

[A]

Were there Japanese people in the audience or American?

[B]

One or two Japanese, but it was mostly like European and American people who live there now. They have. It's called, it's called like the Tokyo Comedy Bar. It's like, it's a perfect room for me. There's like 50 people there. And it was just, it was. That was really cool. And then. I know, I know you love Okinawa. Okinawa. It was weird. It was like a little bit run down in like the main parts of it. But I drove.

[A]

It's American, right?

[B]

They do. They have an American town because they

[A]

have a base, right?

[B]

It's a base, but the rest of it, not like it's a lot of farms. The beaches were really. I went snorkeling. They put me in a wetsuit, which is hysterical.

[A]

I look out of it.

[B]

I'm surprised, dude. I, I felt you had to sit on the edge the boat and like

[A]

jump into the water.

[B]

And I got, I had the goggles, I had the flippers on and I, I went to go sit down on the edge of the boat and I fell into the boat and. Oh. But yeah, that, the. That was crazy. I got into a fight with somebody on a plane. I. And like, you know, I, I don't get into fights with anybody, but like they had to separate us on the plane, cuz I don't. We had like a three hour flight before the 15 hour flight home and I reclined my seat. I wanted to take a nap and I know I'm short, so it's. I know a lot of people don't like when you recline the seat. If, if he had asked me like, hey man, do you mind not reclining? I would have, I would have. But he just kept kicking it like he was a kid.

[A]

Oh yeah, you.

[B]

And at the end of it, I just looked, I, I turned around, he's like, you're a. He called me a. Which I thought was great. And. And then the, the flight attendant just moved me up to basically like at the front of the plane, me and, me and the wife, just so we wouldn't run into each other after. Because he was going off. He was really. And I get it. I get like if, if you're, if I'm scrunching you. Because I had people doing that to me on the next flight. But you can't. If you're not gonna talk to me Like a human being. I'm not gonna just assume that was crazy. And then I was telling George on the way down here, have you ever gotten scammed by a cab driver in New York? No, I got. We. There's a thing that. To go from JFK to Manhattan is like a flat rate. We get in 20 minutes to the ride. He hands me a note, it's gonna be a hundred bucks. And I was like, it's actually not. It's good. 70 plus, whatever. And he turned around and took us back to jfk. Because I wouldn't. I wouldn't take like the hundred bucks just because he said was. It was a. A crazy two weeks, but it was. You would. You would love it. You would love Japan. There's a lot of walking. It's a lot. There's a lot of.

[A]

I don't want to walk anywhere. Like, it's a crazy. That's why I won't go on vacation. I want to go from my hotel downstairs. It's got to be on the same block.

[B]

There's a lot. You could do that in Tokyo.

[A]

I don't want to see no palaces and I don't know.

[B]

No, we did. Honestly, we did like three things. We just went and ate the whole time.

[A]

Yeah. That's basically what I would do is just eat. Maybe go see a rock or something.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I'm not walking no 30,000 miles a day.

[B]

No.

[A]

You know, you get like two blocks out of me.

[B]

No, it was.

[A]

I like all inclusive. I'm very old fashioned. I like everything in my neighborhood. So if I got to go to another neighborhood. You lost me, bro. You lost me.

[B]

It was. Yeah. And it was because there's so. There's so many neighborhoods in to. Like. I thought la. New York was big. Tokyo was just nothing. Anyway, it's weird because it was a lot of it in the future, but also like kind of in the past. Like they had. They still tow boat, toll booth people. The cab drivers wore suits, which was great. That's what I like. The. The very clean, very clean, very clean. The trains are super clean, spotless clean.

[A]

The.

[B]

Dude, they have cloth seats on the subway like this. Like your couch that would get so full of piss in New York in like not even an hour. That was great. Every. Honestly, everything. Everything was really cool. I didn't like driving on the wrong side of the street. That was terrifying.

[A]

That's a little confusing at first.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Anybody. You're on the left side.

[B]

Yeah. You don't know you're on the left. You're on the left side. And you, they move the steering wheel to the other side of the car. So that was fucking.

[A]

So the steering wheels on the right hand side. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

[B]

Those steering wheels on the right hand side. But then you're also driving on the left hand side of the road.

[A]

I don't give a fuck about that. I'm talking about where's the steering wheel in the car?

[B]

Right hand side.

[A]

So you're driving in the right hand side. Hello. Where the fuck do you do that? Oh, I know, I drive on. You see me play gta, I drive

[B]

all over the road.

[A]

Left, right, straight up, backwards. That's the least of my fucking worries. I'm talking about getting in a car green and going, okay, welcome to Tokyo. Get in that car and start pedaling. Oh, I would on the right side. Dude, I would have my side.

[B]

I, I didn't. I was only drove in Okinawa. I would have killed somebody in Tokyo. But you know, you know what they did have? They did have rickshaws in Kyoto. They have like a forest of only bamboo. Yeah.

[A]

Like they're done up nice.

[B]

If they had it at the palace, I would have seen it. But they only had it in like the little.

[A]

Would you stop at the palace? See the best. You'd have taken that to the palace?

[B]

I know I don't.

[A]

That's the pimp hand. See some poor Japanese guy sweating after three hours. That motherfucker. He'll take a tip. Oh yeah, all these people. No, it's against tipping. You Give that motherfucker $14 that just drove you on his back for two hours. Get the fuck out. I gotta take everything. Slippers. He don't give a fuck. He'll take the soles off your feet.

[B]

But then, and then prostitution is legal there. It's like not legal, but it is. They have rules. Like you just, you can't have sex, but you can like blow jobs are fine. They have like the entire area where our hotel was, which they call it like soap lands, was. It's very, it was a very surprising.

[A]

Soap land.

[B]

Yeah, they like, they go with like soap and like wash you and give you blow jobs. I have no, I didn't go, I didn't go in, but it was, I, it honestly just made me want to do more of that, like jobs. Blow jobs would be great, but no, I mean just doing like, I, I can't wait to go to like Australia now and do stand up. London and do stand up. But it was. Oh, I thought about you on the flight too. 15 hours. That was. That was rough.

[A]

That's all right. Yeah. You got nowhere to go.

[B]

I. That part's not bad.

[A]

You're just bumping into people and you just. You're in your room.

[B]

My ass was. Was numb for like a day and a half after that.

[A]

That's a long flight. You get tired, man. 15 hours in the plane, that's a long time. No, not good for me.

[B]

Now. How much could you do now? Could you do. Take California? Six.

[A]

Don't wanna.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Don't wanna like that.

[B]

How have you been, dude? How's the week been?

[A]

It was good, man. Listen, I just got it down to what the thing is, because I'm like everybody else. I'm like you guys. I'm like you guys that watch. My mind strays, you know, and you're working on something and then you just fall into a different hole. But with this. I think the first time I had the surgery, I didn't take care of myself, like, during it. That's why I heard it eight times the first two months. So this time I'm sticking to my fucking. Like, I'm dying to go do stand up.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. Ten minutes, you know, not an hour. I don't feel like getting on a plane. 10 minutes. But I know I can't for a couple more weeks because it's dark to walk up and, you know, I use the cane. 70, 30. Like, I don't use the cane a lot. Oh, nice.

[B]

I didn't know they gave you one.

[A]

Yeah, they gave me two of them. Then my friend sent me one with a knife and it broke last night. So Terry crazy glued it. Now I'm back, Jack. But it's a fucking knife, man. Like, this will stab two people.

[B]

Is that how it broke? How did it break?

[A]

I broke because I was playing with Joey. I was pushing it, he was pulling it the other way, and the fucking stem fell off the fucking thing.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

But then we got home last night, we crazy glued. Now we're back tip top. Magoo.

[B]

How's the. The handicap placard working out for you?

[A]

Oh, like a doctor today. I had to go to that place to get chocolate bread. The guys from, you know, Staten Island, Royal, whatever, they have family royal crown. And I think it's called, like, licatina or something like that. So I heard it opened up last week and there were lines out there. And I'm like, I'm not going to be like one of those idiots. You go there during a week between 10 and 12 or 1 and 3 and you're good. Right? That's the least busy it's gonna be. If I go in on a Friday or Saturday, Sunday, and try to be Johnny Old School, you're gonna be out there for a fucking hour. So I went out there today, and as I was pulling in, I look for parking. I'm like, fuck, I forgot. And also I'm like, right there. It was right there. The car pulled right in there, walked 80ft across the street, got myself some chocolate bread. I got a turkey sandwich with American today. And some avocado.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

With lettuce and tomato. Heavy on the salt and pepper. Nice. Really nice. I'm not a sandwich guy anymore, but it was good.

[B]

From the same place you got the turkey sandwich?

[A]

Yeah, they have everything there. They have a full bakery there. Oh, yeah. They're not playing around in there.

[B]

The chocolate bread, we. You've talked. We were talking about it today.

[A]

This chocolate bread is really good. Yeah, it's chunks of chocolate in that.

[B]

We have to do some. We have to put some sort of breakfast sandwich on it. Like egg B. I was thinking about the bacon at Marie at Sea. Like a nice thick, crunchy bacon on like a bacon, egg and cheese on that.

[A]

Oh, on the chocolate bread.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

There's got to be something I. I go more with like, maybe like a pancake on there.

[B]

Like a pancake sandwich. Oh, Jesus Christ.

[A]

Chocolate with some whipped cream in that. You know what I'm saying? That's the way to go. Some Nutella in the middle to really fucking fuck you up for breakfast. Eat that up for breakfast. I don't see a ham and cheese and chocolate.

[B]

I don't really see salty and sweet.

[A]

Nah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I don't see ham and egg. I don't know if egg breaks on chocolate. If I break into a yolk, I don't know what that yolk is going to taste like on my chocolate.

[B]

I think. I think it would be good, but I see, I forgot you're not like a scrambled egg person.

[A]

Listen, I'll eat them if I have to. When you go to prison, that's all they got. When you fly on a plane, that's all they got. So I like them better when somebody makes them at home. It's like the ones we got on the flight, the construction eggs we got on the plane. Yeah, Listen, man, I'll eat. Scrambled eggs aren't my favorite. Right. And when you go out, if you keep going, when they look at you and they go scrambled, that's what I'm like. Nah. Because they already got. They got the thing made back there. Just. No, no, no, no, no. Yeah.

[B]

Have you ever had those eggs, like, poached? Not poached is great too, but we're like. The yolk is orange, like, not like the yellow. Like, I don't know.

[A]

I know what they called or whatever. I don't like the other. What's the. With the bernay sauce on it?

[B]

Oh, hollandaise.

[A]

I'll eat that once in a while. But I don't like the sauce dipped on there.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I don't mind getting the egg and dipping in the hollandaise, but I don't want the holidays.

[B]

What's that called? Benedict Eggs Benedict. Yeah. That's not bad. No, we. But we had, like, eggs in Japan and it was like. The chickens are like, I guess healthier. I don't know. It's like.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

When people say they have, like, chickens at their house and, like, the yolks are like, orange. It was. It tasted very. You've had it. I haven't. I had. Never had, like, fresh eggs, I guess. Crazy. Have you ever thought about getting chickens in the backyard?

[A]

Yeah, but the raccoon. Not the raccoons. The wolves and shit. The foxes. They rip into those cages. I'm not in the mood to go out there and see feathers everywhere. My chickens all chopped up. I'm not even.

[B]

You know, they'll just ruin your day.

[A]

I would love to get a chicken or a couple. You hear them in the morning over here. Somebody's got a chicken around.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. Early in the morning. But I don't even know where to start with a fucking chicken. I'm not. Guys, it's over. I'm not good with raising chickens and shit.

[B]

I don't know. I can see you doing a little bit, but when's the dog coming? Are you waiting for. For it to be a no anal?

[A]

Far away. Because the cat's gotta pass first.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I don't want that cat to pass. That cat's my best buddy in the world. I just took an apple.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Just went upstairs. She was waiting for me on the bed. I scratched her. I hugged her. I put the face mask on and we take a little nap for an hour. I don't want her to go nowhere.

[B]

No, but you don't think she would do well with a dog.

[A]

No, I don't want the dog in the house when she's alive because she's on her last leg. So I want her to go out on the last leg without getting chased by a Fucking dog. Do you follow me? That's the point of this, right? It's not.

[B]

It's for her, okay?

[A]

So she. Because she was in the house with nine cats and they ate her. So now it's flipped. So now give her the fucking respect that she deserves. I ain't looking to get no fucking dog, guys. You know, I know. It's not like I look at dog pictures every day. Whatever happens happens, guys.

[B]

That's so funny.

[A]

Whatever happens happens.

[B]

You're so much. Even. Even just you getting turkey, I was surprised about. Remember you were in that. You got really mad one day. You went to that place in Encino with Steve. I forget. It was like an Italian place. And this guy ordered a turkey sandwich and you went off on white.

[A]

And it was a half hour to order a turkey sandwich on white. Come on, guy. You go to fucking Star Subway, you get all the fucking turkey sandwiches in there. You want the guy. And the guy was picky about it. Like, I don't want dark meat. What the fuck are you talking about? Dumb motherfucker. Oh, no, I didn't go. To be honest with you. I went in there not to get that sandwich, okay? I went in there to see what their soup was like and to get some chocolate bread for you guys. But when I went in there, it was on the menu. But my second choice, what they have over there, that's what I'm getting. Next time I go. Because I fucked up today with the turkey. Yeah, because they call that turkey in American something. It was great on whatever, the bread with the seeds, it was delicious. But they got a fucking Italian tuna sandwich over there and they sell it by the container if you want it fresh. So I'll buy some of that. I like Italian.

[B]

What's that with olive oil?

[A]

Yeah, olive oil oil. Nice. Very nice. With some bread and shit, couple tomatoes, something nice and easy. High quality tuna.

[B]

Could really go for a tuna.

[A]

I haven't had it with some onions in that bitch. And some mayonnaise and salt and pepper. Knock it off.

[B]

But it does up your house. Your house will stink after that sandwich.

[A]

The what? A tuna sandwich doesn't stink at all. The onions when you rub them on your hands, what do you got?

[B]

The onion, the tuna cans?

[A]

No, you flip it over, you chop it up, you put salt and pepper on it, a little olive oil. What's the stink?

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Stink is that you were eating that curry and all that.

[B]

The Katsu curry is. So there's. That was good.

[A]

You need.

[B]

You would like it. It's not Indian Curry, none of that.

[A]

If I would have.

[B]

So what would you eat there?

[A]

I would have ate it. I would add chicken teriyaki and sushi.

[B]

And I. This is not going to be the most popular. I like American sushi better. It was. The fish was great. I'm not complaining about it, but I don't. I don't like fish like that. I like you. You refute. You banned me from sushi because all I'd get was tuna and shrimp.

[A]

Oh, no, you went to the wrong place. You should have gone to where they invented cheeseburgers. You would have been happy here. That's.

[B]

That's the only thing.

[A]

Walk to a castle with a. The king ate 18 cheeseburgers one day. You don't give a. About no fresh fish or sushi.

[B]

But. Yeah,

[A]

you don't.

[B]

You don't think so.

[A]

Think so about what?

[B]

Like you. Like you. You wouldn't. You would just get sushi, that's all. You'd eat there the whole time.

[A]

The whole time. It's.

[B]

They have a lot of conveyor belt.

[A]

What?

[B]

They have a lot of conveyor belt.

[A]

Hey, I go for the job that makes it by hand. There's got to be one left.

[B]

Oh, there's a bunch of them.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. We.

[B]

I went to one place where all they. They just went. Have you ever had, like, the. They give you, like, the Japanese skewers? Like. Like they just grill meats. And he did every piece of the chicken. It was great. It was. It was just chicken. It was. And he was grill. He had. He had a little Japanese fan that he was fling the flames with. That was really cool.

[A]

Sure. Little fan. Sure.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

He said, I live with. Oh, you went all the way to Japan? 15 hours.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

There was a guy with a little fan. You go to Asbury Park, I'll find you a little fag that's got a little fan that does that all day long for the small five bucks. You went all the way to Gookville to watch that?

[B]

It has a different aura about it in Japan. Oh, my God.

[A]

You know, it's how you look at things. Listen, man, when I was 50 and how I look at things at 63, it's two different worlds. When you're 35 and you're 45, you look at things completely different. You know, look at a girl when she's 25, she wants to marry Johnny Boom Bots. When she's 35, she's a guy that looks like me. You know what I'm saying? That's it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You Know, it's like, so weird when you get excited. 4:35 now. You wake up one day at 45, you go, I'm not interested. It's so weird. And that's gonna happen. And that's okay for it to happen. I've said it on stage. There's a reason why the whole world don't like vanilla ice cream, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because the world would be too fucking easy. I'm happy that there's chocolate, strawberries. Some people hate vanilla. Some people can't stand chocolate. That's what makes us interesting. So everybody has to have different tastes. Whether I want my taste. I don't want to eat shit because it's cool. Or you tell, oh, my God, let's go to that little restaurant. 800 for a margarita. This is great. No, it's not fucking great. You just pay 800 for a fucking margarita. You could have made it home for $15. Where's the food? The food gets there. It tastes like ass. It's any other food. But you're drinking and you're with your friends. It raises the ethereum. Then you go, one day when you're sober, you eat that shit and you're like, that shit tastes like ass. Because you were in the celebration mode. You were. You know, it's like when you're a civilian and you go see a comic and you go one night with just a friend of yours, and you smoke some pot and the movie you want to see is not there. So now you go, fuck it. Let me go to a comedy show. Oh, my God. I fell in love with this guy named George the Hook, okay? And all of a sudden, you see George the Hook is playing, you tell all your friends, you go down, and George the Hook isn't even fucking the range anymore. No, he's not even talking about that. That's the worst. When you bring somebody, go, do you love this movie? And they sit there watching your reaction, I told you so. And you're like, dog, the movie sucks, okay? Leave me the fuck alone. I'm in the city out of respect because I'm high and the fucking heroin just hit me. But besides that, I need to go nowhere. You know what I'm saying? Like, and that's what people have to understand. I was just telling you guys before the podcast started how I felt when I left Los Angeles. And I always thought I didn't like California. I was completely wrong. I love California. I love the weather. I love fucking going and getting Mexican food. What I didn't like was the world. I was in. So now people get me wrong. Oh, you hate California. I don't hate California. I just hated the world I lived in. That style of person that, you know, everything's marvelous and we gotta go there and hug in the tree. That's not. That's never been me. That's never been me. I'm not gonna drive a BMW because it's cool or niche or. That's never been me. And that's what you have to be to live in that world. Somebody who accepts all that shit and loves to do what people does, you know, they have kids just to tell people they got kids. They suck. His parents. I don't want to do that. That was never, it was never my life out there. You knew that.

[B]

No.

[A]

You knew that. Now when I get reminders of it, I'm like, what am I doing? Well, I did everything. I ran like a fucking. Like a well was a mile away and my asshole was on fire and I want to watch this shit with Roast. I don't want to see none of that anymore. That's just right now, today, I'm just a stand up comic. I don't care how you rate me, I don't care how you look at me. It don't matter. I'm a stand up comic and I just want to do stand up. I'm not interested in. Well, when we wrote the joke, this was the style we used. I don't want to hear it. Just write the joke and shut your fucking mouth.

[B]

Is it. Do you, do you get any pleasure from like just knocking, like, just killing and like the, the guy who does all that stuff with like the hat or whatever.

[A]

Kill.

[B]

Can't follow you.

[A]

What's up?

[B]

Like, like an LA guy, like, because I had that happen to me at a recent show. This guy had 2 million followers and was talking about his Lamborghini on stage. I went up and did 12 minutes of just. Honestly, I didn't even do material. They loved me. This other guy who was passing out flyers with his name on it, has 2 million this and that. Couldn't get a giggle. And I'm not even that kind of person. Where I get up where I, where I like that. But yeah, when some guy's talking about like, oh, normally I sell out the Laugh Factory and he comes in, he does this show that has 20 people and he can't get a giggle. I'm like, okay, I'm not. I'm at least on the right path.

[A]

Listen, Lee, you have to accept one thing. When you're a comic Somewhere along the line, the wiring didn't factor out. All right. As long as you know that, it makes your life a lot easier. In a real world, we couldn't make it something the wiring wasn't cut. Something, you know, we have to cut a step out of life. So when you commit yourself to being a comedian, there's a problem. There's a problem. Okay, there's a problem.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Then the more you get into it, it molds your mind. So you see these fighters. If I become a fighter in the first 10 years, I get blasted in the head every fucking fight. What's left? What's left when I go pro? You know what I'm saying? What's left?

[B]

Right?

[A]

It's the same thing with stand up. Stand up has pressures that you don't see, you feel, and then they pop up later, you know, like being funny, being relevant. Da, da, da. There's just so many fucking things. It's just like going to Vietnam. You're gonna come back with a little

[B]

bit of that ptsd.

[A]

Ptsd, right. And I'm sure when I left New Jersey, When I left LA, I had a little PTSD. I'd seen it all. I'd been there for 23 years. It was living against my grain. I enjoy living in Boulder. The hippies, they smoke pot and they like to ski or whatever, walk around in la. It was people trying to be something constantly. They just weren't happy with being themselves. So every day is a new adventure. They do things to go outside the ordinary. They love the Palestine situation. You know, everything is fucking different than the whole world. They don't lift weights, they do informative lifting. You know, everything completely. Oh, my God. It's completely different. Have you met Sergio? No, I have not. Oh, my God. Talking about Sergio. Sergio is great. He's life saved. In two years from now, you figure out he's a rapist and he raped his own fucking kids. You know what I'm saying? Like, they don't do the background check. They just fall for the hat and the goatee. Yeah, I see a hat and a goatee. There's a problem there. This isn't normal. So it's just not my world anymore.

[B]

Right?

[A]

You know, when I left there and I. It took me two or three years to realize what was bothering me. And then I saw that movie with Eddie Murphy and the chick from Seinfeld. Remember a couple years ago, Eddie Murphy did a movie with a chick from Seinfeld. Not a bad movie, was on Netflix. Not an Academy Award winner, right? But I still remember doing something and listening to them talk and I had to stop. Like, that's what. I fucking hated all that. Oh my God, I love your shirt and all that. There's no time for that in our world. It's like Timothee Chalamet, where's he going? Every time I see him in a nick game, I go, I'm ashamed to be a New Yorker. I really am ashamed to be a New Yorker.

[B]

What does he do that bothers you that he just.

[A]

That whole faggotry, that whole faggot world, he's the type of guy, you smack him, you sit him down and you got a blowjob from his wife right in front of him and watch him like, do you want the watch? I'll take you for the ATM machine. They have no heart. Look at him. He's like a fucking. Even as an actor, Marlon Brando and those tough guy actors are looking at that going, what the fuck happened to our profession? Yeah, look at these non testosterone holding motherfuckers. Because that's what they are. They got zero testosterone. Zero. I don't know how. And that girl, she banged ten black guys. What? I don't see the correlation. He don't even. He's got like a three inch little dick. He's got one of those flat pigeon chests and shit. You know, what's he gonna do with him? She's banging these yams that are built with. With fucking dreadlocks. And the one guy, what's his name? We are the same. We are, yeah, Dennis Scott, whatever, Travis Scott. And then she shows up with Timothy Chalamet with a little pencil dick, you know, his little granola fucking sandals. She was just fucking that gigantic black dude with a big dick and fucking 18 babies. Mamas. And also, like, I've had enough. I'm going to date Timothee Chalamet. What the fuck? My daughter shows up with a dude like Timothee Chalamet. We have a long talk. We have a long talk. First of all, mercy. You can beat him up two times over. That's not a relationship. That's a bully act. That's a bully.

[B]

And. And what does he do with Nick games that you don't like. You just don't like his entire thing

[A]

with a bunch of those other in star row. Like, make him believe they're bigger Knick fans than three black dudes from the Bronx that have been. That's been their whole life. They're sitting in the front three row. The rest of them, all of Them sit in the front row, they never played a game of basketball in their fucking life. Ben Stiller, give me a break. He's like Timothy Chalamet's uncle. He's a faggot, you know? Come on, man, give me a fucking break. But you can't say these things because people go, what the fuck, Joey? I'm telling you the truth. What I see, I see a bunch of people paying what I. If I had the money, would I pay to sit there? No, no, no. I wouldn't even say. I don't want to be on the spotlight. I'm there to watch the Knicks. Why are you showing Fat Joe? People want to watch the Knicks, But I guess that comes with it. Now all those celebrities. Smack. High five. That fucking dog. I love that dude. Yeah, love him. What does he become? What is that? What the fuck is that? It's not funny. And now I got to see Michael Irvin and all the events. All of a sudden now he's a cheerleader. Go, go, Michael. Stay home, stay home. That's like me showing up to all those events and making a ruckus. And people like, look at Joey, he's cool. No, Joey's trying to get relevant again. Yeah, Joey's trying to get relevant again. That's why he shows up and yells outside of Miami Dolphin game. You ever see when he talks to the Hurricanes? You got. That was 30 years ago, Mike. And you took your college years of snorter co. Give me a breather. These kids are all eating apples and granola. I can't no more, guys. I just can't. I can't, I can't, I can't. You gotta sit there and watch this and accept this. You're like, why am I watching this? Why am I letting this go into my head? Enough. I watch old movies now. I watch old stand up. I don't want to watch this shit no more.

[B]

What year are you living in now?

[A]

85.

[B]

85? Yeah. That's when everything was good.

[A]

Yeah, because this is bullshit.

[B]

Oh my God.

[A]

What's up, beautiful people? Uncle Joey here. This episode of the Church is sponsored by BetterHelp. Listen, I don't know if you guys know this, but May. May is Mental Health Awareness Month. Whatever you're going through, you're not alone. BetterHelp is a great way to find affordable mental health care on your terms with a trusted professional. A couple years ago when I moved from la, I was struggling. I didn't know what was bothering me. I contacted BetterHelp. I was with them for About a year. They spoke to me about different exercises to use and here I am five years later. Tip top, Magoo. BetterHelp therapists work according to strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the United States. You got a short questionnaire which helps match you with a therapist. And you could switch at any time if you're not happy with the therapist. With over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is one of the world's largest online therapy platforms. You don't have to do this alone. Find support and have somebody with you in therapy. Sign up today and get 10% off at betterhelp.com Diaz D I A Z that's betterhelp.com Diaz D I a Z betterhelp H-E-L-P.com Diaz I want to thank BetterHelp for sponsoring the podcast and I want to thank BetterHelp for helping you guys. Uncle Joey here. I don't know if you know this guys, but your sexual partner deserves more. You give it to him with blue chew gold. Bluechew Gold is a 4 in 1 tablet with a new formula designed to boost blood flow and arousal. That means it gets you in the mood both physically and mentally. Man, listen, I don't know if you've tried one of these Blue Chew Gold. You're going to fucking rock and roll. Your dick's going to stay hard for. It's going to be like the Titanic upside down. You follow me? So get on that Blue Chew Gold. No more waiting for a pill to kick in. No more performance anxiety. Just the results you want when you want them. Don't let your mind get in the way of a good time. That's what I did for years. Forget that. Take the Blue Chew and let it all hang out, bitch. Discover your [e-mail] we got a special deal for the church family right now. When you buy two months of bluechew Gold. Two months. We're going to give you a third one on the house. Just use promo code Joey J O E Y. That's promo code Joey J O E Y. Visit BlueChew.com for more details and important information. Thanks to BlueChew for sponsoring the podcast. Love you guys. Uncle Joe here, listen. If you guys listen to the show, you already know that I Love Lucy. Lucy makes premium nicotine pouches, nicotine gum and their signature breakers. A nicotine pouch with a powerful flavor capsule inside. Lucy's nicotine strength ranges from 2 to 12 milligrams with flavors like apple ice, espresso berry, citrus and mango Me, I love the berry citrus. That's what I'm talking about. Anytime I. I get under a little whatever, I pop a little berry gum in there and there I am, tip top Magoo. Lucy is a great choice anytime, anywhere. Set yourself up with a subscription so you'll never run out. Lucy's the only pouch that delivers long lasting, on demand flavor. Get 20% off your first order when you buy online at Lucy Co Church. Again, that's Lucy Co Church with promo code Church. C H U R. C H. So if you don't want to wait, check out Lucy's store locator to find Lucy in the EU and grab it today. Here it comes in fine print. You ready, guys? Lucy products only for adults of legal age and every customer will be age verified. This product contains nicotine and nicotine is an addictive chemical. This is bullshit here.

[B]

That's great. Is it? And what like do you. Do you just connect with it more like, is there anyone who's new who you connect with or. Not really.

[A]

I connect with a lot of people, man. I just listen. I love music, I love movies, I love. I love it. Let me get a water, Georgie, before I have cotton mouth and maluki mouth. Listen, man, I read something a couple months ago about turning 60. I don't know if you know this. I don't know if you read my book. I don't know if you just know me at 60. I got my money's worth out of life. I've really had my money's worth, you know, And I'm very proud of that. There's people that stay in that basement their whole life. We all did. George got his money's worth, you know, you get your money's worth. What does that mean? You get the good with the bad. And you fucking. You get your money's worth. And the more you get your money's worth over the years. You stop. You see the mat like you saw behind the curtain. I know what you're doing. I know what you're doing. It's like the biggest thing I hate. I came here to support Lee. No, you didn't. He shooting a Netflix special. You came here to see what you could get. Whose handshake with agent. You could talk. Don't ever do that. Don't do that. In my world we don't support nobody. We don't support nobody. They support us. We don't show up. Hi, how are. Because that's what you're doing. You're being a jerk off. Hi. Oh my God. Yeah, I'M here to support Lee. I'm so excited for him. No, you're not. Go do a set. Go take that support and shut up your mother's ass and go do two sets instead of sitting here for two hours. What do you get more results from Lee?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So after a while, you just get sick of it. You've already heard this story. It's like when I worked in the sports betting service. I love Kurt, but I love how he could come up to you and go, look at me. Repeat what I'm telling you. And I would go, kurt, how did you know? And he goes, I've been doing this for 30 years. I know exactly what he's saying. I've had that guy 80 times before. Not that particular guy, but he's had that guy with the same story. Tell him this. Hold on to the phone. Tell him that you're going to put a bet in his wife's mother's pussy. Hairs are going to curl up. He would make me say things to people that I would say, I don't want to say that. Say it verbatim. Is going to make you money. Because it was against my grain to do it right. But he had balls in his grain then. They showed me those balls. Oh, you can say that to people.

[B]

You weren't. You weren't saying stuff like that to people always. I just imagine that you've always talked a lot of shit. That's so funny.

[A]

So what we were talking about is how you just. You've already heard this. You've already heard this. How much longer can you hear it? At one point, you go, I don't want to hear this shit no more. I don't. This is a way. I don't have that much time left in the world. Right. At 63, I've done. Come on. That's 70% of your time. The rest of the time on this world, I want to choose what goes into my ears, not what I have to listen to because of you or your stupid television show. I have that decision to turn this shit off. I don't want to hear this. That's all I ask at this age. That's all any American should ask at this age. You earned that right. They go, hey, man, I've heard this story before. I got a call from AT&T telling me the same shit last week. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

But, like, do you feel like you just do that in everyday life now?

[A]

Yeah, you're boring me. Be more creative. You ever hear that Bill Hicks joke? He's walking down the Bowery and all these homeless people and asking him for a quarter. He goes, I don't mind giving him a quarter, but I want the most out of my quarter. Who can make this creative, right? Can you sing and dance? Can you. You know what I'm saying, right? After a while, you just put some more effort into it. You've talked to somebody who's told every fucking bullshit story, right? So I see it coming. I've told every story in the world, right? We gotta cancel comedy shows. I'll grant it my making excuses. I've done it for years.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

So after a while, at one point you go, oh, this is a. This is a new dog with old tricks. They're just doing, you know, they're just putting a smile on and telling you, this is going to be a lot better. And then you sit there and go, what is it all about? What the fuck? I gotta go to a basketball game and sit courtside so I can wave at people with my watch to be cool. No, being cool, which is being cool. You smoke dope, you don't talk to cops, you know, saying, that's being cool. Now I gotta have a tattoo. There's so much work into being cool. And at the end of it, you have to ask yourself, what is all this work for? Do I even want to hang out with these fucking maggots? No.

[B]

And. And being what. What. What's cool changes. So, like, people will change up what they like. And every couple of years.

[A]

Great about being a human being that you could change. And so. You know what? I love eggs. I've been eating eggs. How long have I been preaching egg yolks?

[B]

Decades.

[A]

I haven't had an egg yolk in a month now. Can't even look at it.

[B]

What happened?

[A]

I've been eating granola with fucking yogurt or fruit. Just one day, I couldn't look at an eggnog.

[B]

Yeah, if you've had it every day for every day.

[A]

I'm 60 fucking years old. So after a while, you get sick of eggs. That's what I'm saying. It's the same eggs. Stupid movies, you know, it's the same. It's just you can't do enough for an egg for me to want one now.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Scrambled Benedict. The Mexican ones with salsa. Got some nice tamales upstairs.

[B]

Oh, yeah? Early in the year, too.

[A]

I got them more every Saturday from the Mexicans in Freehold. Do you really bring them home? I got some upstairs, bro. You put some lettuce and tomato on that, a little bit of salsa with a little cheese on it. They call tamales.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

You got a tamale. Like a poor savage, you get a croquetta. Right.

[B]

I was gonna say. Well, what does the word pepperado mean? It just means amazing. That's my favorite.

[A]

Your favorite? It's with the Swiss cheese ham on the croquetta. With the two crackers?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Or you could have the croquetta solo like Michael Jackson. You follow me?

[B]

Yeah, but. But you can do that with. What were you just saying?

[A]

With a tamale.

[B]

With a tamale.

[A]

Okay. You can eat a cheeseburger or you get a cheeseburger with avocado, a little tamale. Spicy. You know? What I'm trying to say is you get a variety for a cheeseburger, you know?

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I just got sick eggs about two months ago. I don't know if they were my wife's eggs. I don't know what it was. I just got sick of them. Then I went over to the diner one. They go, let me try them from the diner. And they were a little better, but nah, no, nah. That's what. That's what happens. You just get bored one day. That's why I don't like when my wife buys something that I've been eating, because she buys a day too short. I told my wife, hey, I like those crackers with the peanut butter in them. Oh, yeah, there's eight cases of them up there. I haven't touched them because she went shopping three times and kept buying them, not looking to see if I was eating those. Oh.

[B]

Even with all. Because it doesn't look like you've gained weight with all the, like, being in the house, you haven't gone crazy on snacks.

[A]

I'm not eating dick if I don't eat edibles and smoke dope. My appetite's in the fucking shitter.

[B]

And you're not doing edibles every day.

[A]

Well, I ate all my heavy duty whatever ones. The okada ones and the maple syrup ones. Oh, yeah, the ones with the pieces in them. So I've been eating a couple of like, the vampires at night just to get the party started. But I need two of those. I want to a thousand milligrams.

[B]

Do you think one day you'll just get bored of weed?

[A]

I'm already getting bored of weed. I just need it in the morning, okay? My weed in the morning opens up the whole world to me.

[B]

What do you think you'll switch to after?

[A]

Heroin? Heroin. Some boogaloo pills. I don't know Lee.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Dabs is the next solution.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't get a dabber and start dabbing up a stone.

[B]

They do make them that. You don't have to let it light it on fire anymore.

[A]

I got one. Yeah. Hey, listen, they also have BP 57. You could take in a pill for. Ain't gonna work. You gotta shoot it. You could also snore a line of heroin, but you could shoot it. It's way better.

[B]

Is it really?

[A]

Yeah. You.

[B]

You've never. Have you shot anything?

[A]

Huh?

[B]

Have you ever done any. You can't do needles.

[A]

No, I would have a heart attack if I shot myself. That'd be the final. Listen, if I talk somebody to shoot me with heroin, right? That's it. I would go off because I'd eventually figure out how to shoot at my toes.

[B]

You don't think your wife would do it for you?

[A]

Yeah, I'm gonna have my poor Christian wife to shoot me with heroin.

[B]

Don't tell her it's heroin, just tell her.

[A]

What about when I'm nodding and drooling, burning cigarette holes. And what am I gonna tell her then? You know what I'm saying? Oh, no, I can't do that. No, I'm just teasing you guys. Of course. Like, I only use weed in the morning now.

[B]

That's crazy.

[A]

The tail end of the day has to be heavy duty edibles. The weed just don't cut it. I'll get high, like, now or something. But that's great.

[B]

So what have you been on? You've been doing Twitch, too, during the day? A little bit.

[A]

Little twitch, a little kick.

[B]

Okay. Oh, you did it on Kick, too?

[A]

They're both on there.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

They're both on there today. I did it for a little while. I have problems. I have problems with the Twitch. I don't know how to turn it on. That's why you turn it on tonight before you.

[B]

All right, I'll try it.

[A]

Yeah. Because they always ask me, where's Lee Wesley?

[B]

Okay.

[A]

He's a Japan.

[B]

I was falling asleep on Twitch years ago.

[A]

I know.

[B]

Jesus Christ.

[A]

They can't. They got you a pillow. They got you.

[B]

Oh, they do have a pillow with my face on it.

[A]

A box of pillows.

[B]

So, yeah, a box of pillows. Oh, my God. And then. Oh, Sarah Tiana. They had a clip about that time on the podcast. How funny was that?

[A]

I saw that. I saw that. Holy. He's a good egg. Sarah Tiana.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

That was a nice dosing that night. She didn't say much. She said, I'm not feeling Uncle Joey. Me neither. Take a breather. She slept. We did the podcast, right? We did a whole hour and a half. She slept on the couch. We finished it. We woke her up a little bit. She's like, I feel better now.

[B]

I think was like the one time someone actually slept on that couch.

[A]

Yeah, very.

[B]

Oh, that was so funny.

[A]

Somebody was goofing along with Benjamin last week, too.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

It was after Joey gave him that thing that turned

[B]

and he didn't give him that much. 1125 milligrams.

[A]

But he wanted more.

[B]

Yeah, I know. He did want more.

[A]

He wanted more. He would have been. Where is he now? Idaho or something.

[B]

Somewhere in the deep deep.

[A]

Yeah, he would have been.

[B]

He's on, like, a commune.

[A]

It's crazy that you went to Japan. I'm happy that you. And it's pretty funny, the conclusion you came with, like, how does it feel to not speak English? I mean, I goof on them. I goof on everybody. And it's a joke here when we talk about the fucking migrants with the backpacks.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You ever see them? They look kind of retarded. And they're not retarded. They're scared. Not knowing a language, even though I goof on them. We have a good time here on the podcast. They're scared. I remember being scared. Yeah. You know, and they just. They don't even look up. You ever see them make eye contact, those little apocalyptos? Not even close. There's no confidence. They don't have confidence. They don't have confidence. I go to an Italian joint and there's a girl that brings y' all bread. And I could see the first two times she brought the bread out. They must have smacked her on the trip, you know, beat her up all. You know, she was all quiet and, like, half retarded. I started talking to her in Spanish,

[B]

and it made her day.

[A]

Her day is completely different now when I talk to her. At least we talked for a little while. In Spanish.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Everybody else, like, listen, think about being an immigrant, because this is what the people don't ever fucking think about is the other side of that. Okay? You know, with all this shit that was going on in this country a few months ago with the ice and this. That shit travels downhill. Okay? Shit goes downhill, does it not? Am I lying here, guys? No, shit goes downhill. So when you take a thought like that, that makes people go into diners or restaurants, and when these poor fucking people that don't know the language, come up to you and give you bread or your butter. You don't even have the time to look at them. Sometimes I go to restaurants and just look at the people who the busboys and bus girls drop bread on and water. White people. Don't even say thank you. Don't even make eye contact because in your mind, you're a little fucking better than them. But you're not, because you're not talking to them. You look down on them because, oh, they cut my lawn. They do that, whatever. But I want you to think of all those fucking things before you open up your mouth. If you just acknowledge that person in a restaurant, you guys have all been out to dinner with me. Do I not acknowledge those people when I see them? It's very important to me to acknowledge those, not just the bartender, when they bring you bread, to look up and goof on them. Even if you goof on them, you

[B]

always call them primo.

[A]

Primo. When they giggle. How you doing? That's it. That's it. Acknowledge them. But think of doing this shit eight hours a day. Nobody acknowledges you. That goes on your psyche, guys.

[B]

Yeah. And even just being away from your family, like. Like, imagine if, like, you know, you. They're coming from wherever, Mexico, wherever they have. They don't speak the language. They don't know anybody. No one they know is near them. They. And they can't. You can't ask anybody because, like, even. Even here, like, if someone knows a little bit of English, you can. I don't know. I know two words in Japanese. I know hello and goodbye. And. And they. They tell you how to say thank you very much. And even. Even then, I honestly was responding to people in Spanish because they. They just say it so quickly that there's nothing I can do. So I just said, start saying gracious to people because, like, it's. And even. Even knowing English is a little bit of help. Like, I, like, imagine like, if you were going to Japan, but you only spoke Spanish, I don't know what the you would do at all.

[A]

Here's the problem that I believe in. But there's times I'll talk to white people in Spanish and my wife would go, I don't know why you did that. That person understand what you're saying? I'll go, they understand what I'm saying. There's a universal language, man. And I believe in it more than a lot of people believe in it. But I think, listen, if I'm stuck in Japan and I'm walking down the street of Japan, right? I'm gonna bump into some guy, if he's my age, I'm gonna look at him and go, cheap Trick live in Budokan, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because that's what brings us together.

[B]

Mm.

[A]

They love American music. Everybody loves American music. So if you get into a bump or something, you're like, hey, just any song, you know, anything that's popular in the States.

[B]

Yeah, you just.

[A]

And they go, yeah. And you go, oh yeah. And now you got something, you got something. You open them up, you got something out of them.

[B]

Yeah, dude, we were talking, we had a tour guide for one day to do a little bit. He was talking about Shohei Ohtani and his like his eyes lit up. So like that guy you thought was Shohei at Rudy's, you would have, you would have been a huge fan over there. And but the, the one thing, cuz it, it was the other thing that blew me away. I, I, we went to the sumo tournament, which was amazing, but that was like the only fat people you, you didn't see any fat people. And my tour guide told me I had a happy belly. And like every time I ate, he like, you like that hat? And he let, and he would point out other chubby. He's like, they have a very happy. But he wasn't in his mind, he wasn't being mean, but he just kept calling. It was either happy belly or happy tummy. I can't remember. But it was like there were no fat people. Very strange.

[A]

Not accepted. No, not accepted. People say they go over to Europe and you start pointing out the Americans. Yeah, they look sloppy. They're fucking, you know, they're just sloppy with fucking sandals on, with their feet hanging out. Like anybody wants to see that junk? No, you know. No, no, the Japs keep that shit tight, Jack.

[B]

They really, they really do. And they fucking, dude, they don't stop partying. Like you could go out at any time and anywhere and get like really good food at like 4, 2 in the morning. Like people were getting hammered on like a Tuesday night.

[A]

It was a lot of Americans on the streets.

[B]

Yeah, but like a lot of everything. A lot of, a lot of European. A lot. There was a lot of people from everywhere. But yeah, there were definitely Americans, but not.

[A]

You see prostitutes on the street?

[B]

No. Well, I saw like by like in Shinjuku, which is where like the red light district was. There were like women outside. It wasn't like, I've never been in Thailand, but like you see videos of Thailand and like they're Bringing you in.

[A]

Right.

[B]

This was just like women who like were dressed kind of like sexy and like they were outside of the places, but I don't think they were the ones doing it. But it was like. And people, they're dressed like it's like 2000 years ahead. Like they dress very creepy. A little bit not creepy, but just. It's very different than here. Do you ever see Kill Bill?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, we just watched a few weeks ago.

[B]

And you know that Lucy lose like assistant.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, who were they? Like the schoolgirl outfit. Like there's a lot like that out there. That was pretty cool. And dude, there's just so many floors. Like they don't build up but like you'll just get to a place and you're like, oh, this is. It's on the fifth floor. Like each floor is a different thing. They had so many. They had, they. And George was asking me about the seven. Everyone asked about the seven elevens. Dude, they like, the food is good, but the sweets. They have these mini pancakes with butter and syrup on it. They were just in 7:11 in a little packet. That was really. That was fantastic. Oh, every. It was, it was so. But yeah, the, the wagyu was really good. We got that a bunch. But it was, it was, it was a lot of fun. It was. But I can't. I'm excited. I. Doing stand up internationally is like something that I really want to do now. Australia, I think I could have a lot of fun. Canada, which I know is not even super far, but Canada, England, Ireland, I want to do all of it now.

[A]

That's great. But establish yourself. The United States first.

[B]

Well, actually, what do you think? Because I was actually. Not that I'm moving or doing anything, but if I. If you could go somewhere, like, let's say you could go to Australia for a year and get a ton of stage time and like blow up in Australia and then like, do you think that's worth it or you think just be in America?

[A]

I don't know what's worth it or what's not. When I got into comedy, I had decisions I had to make early on. Hey, am I going to go dirty or clean? You're not going to be able to be on Letterman. You're not. Fine. Fine. Then the second part is the question you ask. This is how I always looked at it. Everything is made out of here. When it comes to talent, if as a pleasure. I always dreamt of maybe becoming, having a base in England and flying back and forth, but that didn't work out for me, Joey, so. But I always thought it was. Everything was here. That's the way I looked at it. I have a friend who I just. He was at the Netflix festival. He blew up in Australia.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Haven't seen him in 25 years. He grew up in Australia and he's huge in Australia. Irish.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I've heard about him.

[A]

What's he going to do here?

[B]

I have no idea. So he had like a Comedy Central thing back in the day and then I knew, I knew he blew up in Australia, but you think it's, it's,

[A]

it's hard to like, I hate to put him down. No, I just, you know, if I could make it there, I'll make it anywhere. You know, that's how I always looked at it. Okay, you're in fucking the United States. This is as good as it gets.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Before I go parading and you know, I want to, I want to make it here first. I'm a kick ass here. Then we'll worry about everything else. You know, that was. Hey, listen, that's me. That's not how other people think that, you know, that's me. You want to establish yourself. This is the home run spot. After this, everything else is like background music.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But you know, I don't think that. What's the idiot's girlfriend from the. From the Chiefs.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Like even her, she's Canadian, but she comes here to get the paper first. Then they go around the world or tour.

[B]

Right? Okay.

[A]

And everything starts here. Okay. Again, some people like to travel and they go, joey, I got the comedy enough to be successful. I got into it for travel. Okay, then go ahead with it.

[B]

No, I, I definitely want to be successful. And, and that's. But just the idea that eventually I could, you know, you could go and do an Australian tour. You can go and like just thinking about Tom Rhodes. He had like 20 years and had no Natalie. Yeah. She just did Europe.

[A]

She goes over there. She loves going over there. Like I said, I got nothing against anybody. And everybody has their own path. I just want to fucking be king here. And that'll make me king somewhere. A lot easier than me trying to be a colonel in six different places. You know what I'm saying? I mean, smart.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's how I look at. That's old school. I don't know what the fuck it is.

[B]

So it's just so hard to find like your audience and find people who want to come see you. So I was so.

[A]

Before you confuse people One there already are, right? Yeah, One there already are. I don't like confusing these people at all, because I can't. They get easily confused, you know, so, you know, last thing I need is to look up Lee, say at. And buy tickets online for Manchester. And it's Manchester, England.

[B]

I think it's Manchester, New Hampshire.

[A]

New Hampshire. So, you know, that's. That's just me. And I'm an old dude. I don't know what I'm talking about. But.

[B]

No, you definitely know what you're talking about. It's.

[A]

Are you.

[B]

I know you said that you're excited about doing some stand up. Like, do you. Have you thought at all about, like. Because then we have bigger shows coming up later in the summer. You have Atlantic City. Like, are you thinking. Are you like, all. Are you more refreshed after some time off or you're not even there yet. You're still recovering.

[A]

You know how the kids. The pandemic. Then when the pandemic hit, it made you change a little bit. As soon as I got this surgery, like 10 days later, I just went into a. You know, I'm writing a lot in the mornings, at night. And it's just weird how I started looking at it. Like I don't know what I want to do, but I really. I liked what I was doing before. I really liked the one big show and then find little shows, Brooklyn, whatever, go to Austin. I kind of like that. I don't know what I'm gonna do yet next year. I don't know. I got a nice schedule that they shot at me with different places to start picking, you know, But I think I'm gonna keep it the same. About the same. Yeah.

[B]

No, there's no reason to add, but

[A]

even I wanna do a few different things this year.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

That's why I wanted to add the twitch and the. Just something different, right? Just something different. I don't care what happens. It's just me getting high and fucking around and you know, I love that shit. So I'm completely different because this is winding down for me. You know, it's winding down what I could do and what I want to do. So I got to find different avenues before I get bored. So I know the last. I mean, from maybe December, I'll keep the schedule I had till December, and then next year I'll figure something else out and we'll work with it. That's it.

[B]

You think it's winding down?

[A]

It is for me. That's it. Like I said, I felt like doing Stand up this week. But I don't go out because it's dark and you got to walk around and see where you're going and you might wall. And, you know, I'm just looking at different options now. I'm getting older. I don't want to up out there or whatever, but I'm playing by ear. I'm having a great time.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Let's get something straight. This is exactly how I wanted my life. I could not live it when I was 25. But this, what I'm doing right now. I love what I'm doing right now. I love the one podcast week I don't want to do anymore. I haven't been a guest on the podcast and I don't know how long.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

My companion. And before that. So I like to go back on Foley's podcast.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Are you garbage?

[A]

There's a guy down here that's got a podcast. The one that Theo, the garbage man Theo put on. Oh, cool.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

He was like a couple blocks from there, so I'm gonna do his and then I'll play it by him.

[B]

That's cool.

[A]

You know, June and July, I have every weekend with my daughter. She plays every Saturday and Sunday.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

In June and July? Every Saturday and Sunday. With the final week being in Ocean City, Maryland. So that's my June and July right there.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I'm taking it easy now. Maybe I'll go to the dojo next week.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I mean, it sucks that it's Memorial Day weekend and I like to maybe do Saturday early. I ain't got 45 minutes, though.

[B]

You say that every time you do a show. You have no idea what you're gonna say. You could do 45 minutes. They could wake you up from a nap and you could do 40.

[A]

I mean, I got 20 minutes of new ideas. Right. I don't know how they're gonna fucking burn over. So I gotta. I gotta burn them over eventually.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, at Dojo or the Stress Factory, wherever I go. I might go to the RBR lounge tomorrow night. 9:30 in South Amboy.

[B]

Oh, yeah. They have an open mic.

[A]

They got an open mic tomorrow night.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

You know, I just wanna. I'm in no rush. I'm not trying to keep up with the Joneses. My daughter's getting a little older, you know, and my wife's leaving tomorrow.

[B]

Where's she going?

[A]

A week to Tennessee by herself. She's leaving me in Mercy. I got Mercy the rest of the week. Yeah. Friday she's got a party. I gotta Take her to.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[A]

Saturday, picking up to take her to the Renaissance festival. And then my wife comes back Sunday night. I'm done. The rest of the week, I'll be here.

[B]

You're going to the Renaissance fair?

[A]

No, she's going with a bunch of girlfriends. You're not.

[B]

You're not going to go and. And dress up?

[A]

I want no turkey leg. I don't want none of that.

[B]

No archery.

[A]

No.

[B]

Oh, no. Is this the first time you've been alone with Mercy for that long?

[A]

Huh? This will be the first time.

[B]

That's crazy.

[A]

And I'm excited.

[B]

I was going to say, are you excited?

[A]

Yeah. I don't have to do. No, no. Mom makes the pancakes. We nuke them in the morning. She puts whatever. We'll make some bacon. Goes to school half the time. After school, Mom's gonna make chicken cutlets and a couple other dishes. I'll take her out to dinner, man. This'll be easy for me.

[B]

Nice. Is she looking forward to it, just having you two at the house?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. When the mother. The mother got a little upset because she asked her, she goes, you know, I'm going to Tennessee. And Mercy just said, who's gonna cook? That's it.

[B]

That's. Oh, I'm not gonna miss you.

[A]

Nothing.

[B]

Just, who's gonna make dinner?

[A]

Cooking?

[B]

She's not gonna have you try to cook.

[A]

Nah, we'll make some milkshakes. Me and I'll make good carvel milkshakes at night and like that.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

You know, it's like, listen, man, I worked hard with you guys to earn this time off. This was earned. How to break my balls, you know, And I don't give a fuck. I have fun doing stand up to a degree. If I got to go out to L. A and talk to those people, oh, my God. When I wrote this joke. Oh, my. I don't want to hear that shit no more. I don't want to hear that shit at all anymore. I had it. I've had it with all that.

[B]

You don't want to talk about your artistic vision?

[A]

No, and I don't want to even. I got an audition the other day. I called the agent right away, and it ain't gonna go down. Why? Because I don't want to book something then quit on the job. Like, that's.

[B]

And you could just tell from the script that you might quit on the job.

[A]

It's not like somebody I want to work with. I show up and it's like a fucked up day. And like my shoes don't fit or something. It's going to be one of those days. Listen, I'll be right back. I gotta go to the car. Joy, where are you?

[B]

Oh, my God. That's amazing.

[A]

I remember I told Lee about this. My wife don't know the whole story. There's a movie that I auditioned for in my cokeiest coke house. And I would audition for these movies to see what I could get out of them. And if they didn't give me enough days, I'd tell them to fuck off. And then they call me back and go, come on, man, what happened? You know, I have a problem. I got religious. Whatever. So audition for this movie years earlier. And I did good in the audition. When I got home, the agent called and they go, listen, they're going to call you for a callback. But then they did one of those Machaga moves. They called me and they go, you got to call back. But we're going to put the movie on ice for a while because we don't have the financing. We're trying to get $80 million to finance this movie. We got such and such and such and such and such and such. And they did. They really had all these names. They couldn't afford them. So I get a call, like a year and a half later, hey, Joey, how you doing? This is Such and such. Do you remember? Yeah, Nice Guy. It was a combo casting director. And like, that movie came back up. It's called Pizza and Bullets. Like, you want to do it? I go, yeah, yeah, I'll do it. And they're like, oh, by the way, it's not scale no more. It's like a hundred dollars a day. So right away you got a strike against you. Right away I got an out. Because I could say, listen, I booked it. It was scale. Now you're trying to get me $500 cheap. I can't do that. So I go, all right, yeah. I didn't know who was in the movie or nothing like this. So I go, when does this start shooting? They go, you know, May 18th through May 29th. Okay, well, these motherfuckers call me, like, on the 15th, and they're like, hey, man, we need for you for one shot. And I'm like, wait a second. You're not even shooting till the 18th? No, no, those are your shoot days. But we need you for a shot. If you can make it over here, we'll pay you for the day. I'm like, you know what? I ain't doing nothing. I go, how long am I going to be there for. They go, maybe like an hour. I go, all right. So I drive down there, I do the scene. It's horrible, guys. It's horrible. It's like we're robbing a truck. But the truck was broken. I mean, it was just not good. And as I'm leaving, the cast director pulls me aside. He goes, thank you for coming. You saved the day, by the way. He goes, we hired a couple of your friends for this movie. My friends? I ain't got no friends. I'm like, what friends? He told me, the two dudes that he named for this movie. And I'm like, I'll never forget getting in the car and going, I ain't doing that movie. Just because those two idiots are in the movie, there's no way am I doing this movie. This movie's always been on ice. And now with these two idiots, we're not going anywhere for sure. I go, I doubt I'm going to do this movie. And the next day, it was. Had to be 20 years ago, and it was a part in LA where everybody was going to go, computer. Like digital. I think that's the word. What that means was people were starting to make ads for the Internet already. That was the very beginning for it. And I happened to book a whole series of Mountain Dew.

[B]

Oh, shit.

[A]

Mountain Dew. I went to read as, like, one of the bears, as a bear. They're like, we want you back, Joey. It's 14 days. It's 800 a day. Damn. Fuck. 800 and 100, that's a long way apart. So they called me and they're like, can you start the job? And I'm like, when? They go, on the 18th, and I go, that's funny, because I got another job with these Italians with pizza and bullets. They're done. And they go, all right, we'll sign you up for the movie. We'll call your agent. They call me back, they go, your role's not going to shoot to the 25th, 26th, you know, it was like nine days. I go, no worries. And they go, you got the rest of the week off. You don't have to come on the 21st. Why go to sleep that night? I go out and get fucking coked up. I go to sleep and I'm hearing banging on the walls, on the doors. And I wake up and I'm like, what the fuck? Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba. And I answer the door and I go, who's this? This is Burt and somebody else. We're the producers from Pizza and Bullets. You were supposed to be on set three hours ago. Where are you? Get dressed. We need you. And I'm like, I ain't doing this today. Not today. I'm tired and all that. And they're banging on the door. They have another producer call me up. My agent's calling me on the fucking other line. And I. I'm not doing it. Tell them I'm tired. I'm not in the mood. I'm doing the thing for Mountain Dew. I'm not doing this shit. And I go back to bed, and the guy keeps knocking on my door. And I run up, open the door, I just punch him in the neck, right? Oh, my God, this is the end of my cocaine run. I just slammed him right in the neck. And I knew because it was not good because he only had four feet to go back, and if he went that way, he was going to go down four flights.

[B]

Was it the North Hollywood apartment?

[A]

This is the Hollywood apartment with my wife.

[B]

Got it.

[A]

She was at work. She never heard this shit. So I punched the guy and he got up, and then the other producer jumped on me and I punched him and I kicked that guy. I kicked him. That was the classic. I even made like a Bruce Lee noise when I kicked him and shit. And I go, get you guys. Get the fuck out of here. And I want to call the cops now. You assaulted us. I go, you've been knocking on my fucking door for an hour. That's not assault based. And they left. I never heard from them again. Then the casting director told me, you'll never ever work for me ever again. I'm like, dog, you haven't cast a movie in 20 years. Give me a call. I just hung up on him and shit.

[B]

I can't. Can you imagine being that producer? Was it like their first job in Hollywood?

[A]

It was 2007.

[B]

Six pizza and bullets.

[A]

And I was. And you know who then? Doing a movie? The chick from the Godfather.

[B]

They recast you with a woman?

[A]

No, they recasted everything.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

It wasn't just me who quit that movie. I was gonna ask, like, eight other people.

[B]

Did they keep that one scene you shot in the movie? I'm not sure that'd be so funny.

[A]

Somebody said they saw the movie and you were in the movie. I go, no, no, no. I just went over there one day. That helped them out a little bit.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Remember the guy who played the heroin junkie with Chris Malta Santi? The last season? Chris would get the heroin from him they shoot the car and he'd tell him, you got to come to my house. The guy's a great actor. I got a call to do one of his projects one day and it shot right on that neighborhood where the pizza parlor was in Hollywood. There's a complete different name. Beaumont, Bo, whatever that is. That street, bowl, whatever.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

At the end of that, used to be a nightclub. Lot of shit used to go down that nightclub. I'll never forget. One day I got a call and they're like, that kid wants to hire you. Because that kid's a really good looking kid. He just downed it for the Sopranos. He wore a hat. He hangs out like a jerk and Turk joint where you pull your dick or whatever. Yeah, The things I used to do.

[B]

Dog, a hundred dollars a day is pretty crazy.

[A]

It's crazy. And listen, I know it's sad, but I don't have to take it. And for a long time they were pushing those movies. I am part of the worst union of all time. The worst.

[B]

It's really that bad?

[A]

The worst. They just don't. I gotta let it play from retirement. I don't even want. Your checks are gonna bounce. You know, I don't even trust those people no more. That's the worst union I've ever been represented by in my life. So eats a bullet and I got a residual from them last night. I'm looking at the thing and what to put on. I actually told my wife, do me a favor, write this movie down. She goes, why? I go, because they haven't paid me. It's on every other fucking night. I look at all those checks that come in on residual. I look at them every Sunday night. They haven't been paid for that movie in eight fucking years. What is my union done? Nothing. You have to call them and then they have to take them to court. And that's eight years.

[B]

Oh, yeah, that's crazy.

[A]

But what are you going to fucking do? We're here with Queer Motherfucker. You're back from Japan. What type of work you got lined up this weekend?

[B]

I'm in Charlotte with Josh Wolf at the Comedy Zone. Friday and Saturday. Very, very happy.

[A]

And next week you're at next week

[B]

I'm at Levity Live in Nyack with Justin.

[A]

Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Just Friday, Saturday. That's a good little club up there.

[B]

Yeah, I'm excited about that.

[A]

And me, I'm still off. I got babysitting duty this week, so you not see me anywhere. I'll be doing some GTAs all week. Finally. We got. I got my friend Carly hooking it up down in Austin. We got Fanny, we got Pedro up there. I don't know. We don't know what the fuck Pedro is tonight. I didn't call him. I talked to him this morning. But that's all. That's all I got. I got no comedy work right now until August 7th and 8th. And I'm sure I'll pop some shit between them, you know. But I'm just going to relax, get my knee as strong as I can. Look at this, baby. It's looking good. You can't see it, but it's looking like a coconut. I got stitches. It looks like. It looks like Nate Diaz's head with all the stitches and shit. Oh, that was a disaster, too.

[B]

Yeah, you just showed it to me. That's. I hadn't. I hadn't seen any of that.

[A]

Poor bastard.

[B]

The Junior dos Santos fight.

[A]

Well, after I was 35, I knew I didn't want to get hit no more. To get hit when you're 40. Oh, that hurts. That's gotta fucking hurt to get punched like that.

[B]

But, yeah. But for a million dollars, or however much they made, I might.

[A]

I'll let you rate me for a million years. I love you guys. Have a great week. Stay black. And we'll be right back next week from the studio. Hopefully, by that time I can take that fucking long step and we'll break my neck. I love you guys. Have a great week.