Joey Diaz is a year away from diapers

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Joey Diaz is a Year Away from Diapers"

Release Date: October 16, 2024

In this lively and candid episode of "The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament", Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt delve into a myriad of topics ranging from personal anecdotes, health struggles, the challenges of maintaining a comedy career, to humorous takes on aging. Their unfiltered and humorous dialogue provides listeners with both laughs and relatable insights into the intricacies of life.

1. The Struggles of Communication and Aging

Joey Diaz opens the conversation by humorously lamenting the challenges of staying connected with friends, especially as he navigates the complexities of aging. He shares his frustration with incessant phone calls and the awkwardness that comes with not being as physically active or available as he once was.

Joey Diaz [00:49]: "Need to talk. It wasn't that important."

His remarks highlight the universal struggle of balancing personal time with social obligations, especially as one grows older.

2. Health and Dietary Changes

A significant portion of the episode focuses on Joey's evolving dietary habits and health concerns. He humorously discusses his shift from indulgent eating to a more controlled diet aimed at maintaining his health.

Joey Diaz [02:54]: "And I'm very grateful. But you don't understand. It's like the other dad went to lunch. Now I'm not eating like I used to, right?"

Joey elaborates on his current dietary choices, opting for lighter meals such as chili and salad, and abandoning larger entrees. This transition is portrayed with his signature humor, making light of the sacrifices he's making for his well-being.

3. The Comedy Life and Touring Challenges

Joey and Lee dive into the gritty details of the comedy circuit. Joey recounts his experiences touring, the unpredictability of club environments, and the dedication required to sustain a career in comedy.

Joey Diaz [33:30]: "He really jumped on the wagon with the future of comedy instead of running around scared."

He emphasizes the importance of perseverance and adaptability, especially when faced with unexpected setbacks like booking small rooms or dealing with challenging audiences.

4. Personal Health Struggles

The conversation takes a more serious turn as Joey opens up about his own health issues, including ear problems and potential cancer concerns. While maintaining his comedic tone, he sheds light on the anxiety and uncertainty that accompanies health diagnoses.

Joey Diaz [38:44]: "I'm a year away from diapers. I'm proud. I can't wait to wear diapers and just..."

His candidness about these struggles adds depth to the episode, offering listeners a glimpse into the vulnerabilities behind his tough exterior.

5. Diet, Exercise, and Aging Gracefully

Joey shares his approach to maintaining his health through diet and exercise, albeit with his characteristic humor. He discusses his regimented meal times, the challenges of maintaining energy, and the inevitable changes that come with age.

Joey Diaz [25:31]: "I have a bowl of chili with eight or nine tortilla chips. It's seven points for the chili. It's beaten beans."

This segment underscores the importance of balance and self-care, even as Joey navigates the inevitable decline that comes with aging.

6. Comedy Club Experiences and Industry Insights

Joey and Lee exchange stories about their experiences performing in various comedy clubs. Joey recounts moments of triumph and frustration, offering insights into the business side of comedy and the importance of building relationships within the industry.

Joey Diaz [35:56]: "I was putting the joint up. It's not good for business."

He provides valuable advice for up-and-coming comedians, emphasizing the need for resilience and strategic planning in a competitive field.

7. Light-Hearted Banter and Comedic Relief

Throughout the episode, Joey and Lee engage in playful banter, sharing humorous stories about everyday mishaps, such as Joey's experiences with bubble gum and his humorous take on aging-related issues.

Joey Diaz [09:18]: "I'm popping the gumballs and swallowing them. They're delicious, right?"

These light-hearted moments serve to balance the more serious discussions, keeping the conversation engaging and entertaining.

8. Future Plans and Continuing the Comedy Journey

As the episode concludes, Joey and Lee discuss their upcoming shows and the future of their comedy careers. They reflect on past experiences, share aspirations, and reaffirm their commitment to bringing joy and laughter to their audiences.

Lee Syatt [75:06]: "I'm very excited. But it's definitely too much. Like, I'm just never here."

Their forward-looking conversation emphasizes the continuous effort required to sustain a career in entertainment, underscored by their mutual support and camaraderie.

Notable Quotes

• Joey Diaz [39:10]: "I'm a year away from diapers. I'm proud. I can't wait to wear diapers and just..."

• Joey Diaz [33:30]: "He really jumped on the wagon with the future of comedy instead of running around scared."

• Joey Diaz [25:31]: "I have a bowl of chili with eight or nine tortilla chips. It's seven points for the chili. It's beaten beans."

• Lee Syatt [75:06]: "I'm very excited. But it's definitely too much. Like, I'm just never here."

Conclusion

In "Joey Diaz is a Year Away from Diapers," Joey and Lee provide an unfiltered look into the life of aging comedians, balancing humor with heartfelt discussions about health, career challenges, and personal growth. Their engaging dialogue offers listeners both laughter and poignant insights, making it a must-listen episode for fans seeking authenticity and humor in equal measure.

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Note: Advertisements, intros, outros, and non-content sections from the transcript were deliberately omitted to focus on the core discussions and insights shared by Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt.

Transcript

[Joey Diaz]

Trying to make it work, you know what I'm saying? I'm not the most handsome geezer on the planet, but you know you love calling. Pimping ain't easy, but it sure is fun. You follow me, guys? So let me shut this phone off because now all my friends will call me. Now I got the sudden nerves to think about me at 703. Oh, Jeopardy's on. Let me bother Uncle Joe. Yourself.

[Lee Syatt]

Do they bother you during. During Jeopardy too?

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, I don't watch Jeopardy. I get out of the house, okay? Never. I got something to do. Like I love torturing people. Like I told you, I'm too old to around. If I call you and you don't pick up the phone or call me back within three or four, take a breather, don't worry about it. Okay. Need to talk. It wasn't that important.

[Lee Syatt]

What do you mean?

[Joey Diaz]

Don't call me back 18 times like. And that's what I'll do to you. I'll let you keep calling back and back and back and you lose your mind. I got like three pigeons. I just call them all the time and right before they pick up, I hang up. And then all day I gotta call me back. You know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syatt]

Do they ever leave you messages like, why aren't you picking up? What's going on, X?

[Joey Diaz]

What's going on? I called you. I was at work. Well, go back to work. It's over. Call me tomorrow. Now I'm old. I don't have the time for this.

[Lee Syatt]

With people on the phone. Now you're doing like prime years.

[Joey Diaz]

It's work time. You know I ain't got time for this. You're sitting there all day fanning your pussy and you want to call me at 8 o'clock to pitch me a show about Martians? Go fuck. Go yourself. So retaliation it has been and it was good for. Listen, let me tell you what happens in my world. Nobody knows who I am, nobody bothers me, nobody wants to do nothing until I book a date at a ping pong tournament and then the fucking the hell break loose. People want me in their projects that aren't gonna happen. You know, I'm saying it's not real projects. It's all air, right, man, Long time. I got this room and fucking. Listen. Take that room, take a picture and keep it. You know I can't do nothing for you. Are you not listening to me? That I'm not getting on a fucking plane to go anywhere right now?

[Lee Syatt]

Do you have them send you pictures of the room. That would be fantastic.

[Joey Diaz]

Send them a bunch. I, you know, I put them through the mill. Give me the closest hotel, churches, you know, if you're gonna be that stupid, because I've been saying it for years, I don't want to get on a plane right now. I'll let you know when I want to get on a plane and then you can invite me to your club. Until then, listen, I don't care if Jesus is there. It's got nothing to do. I'm trying to raise a daughter. I got, I got a nice schedule here going. I'm trying to get on my health. What do I give a. About your claw bouncing? That's great. I got a ball that bounces outside too.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah. And are you getting like all these offers from like the Northwest or like California?

[Joey Diaz]

Like places that like everywhere, you know, but. And I'm very grateful. But you don't understand. It's like the other dad went to lunch. Now I'm not eating like I used to, right? So I'll eat at 8 in the morning or 7 with my wife and then I won't touch a meal till 3. If anything, I'll do a protein shake to hold me over. But the pro, the, the protein, yeah, the smoothie shoots me up. And now I'm hungry, and I'm hungry for a meal, you know?

[Lee Syatt]

Right.

[Joey Diaz]

So it's 2:00. It's not lying to you. It's 20 to 2 and I got to be home by 2:45. And I got a 15 minute travel window, okay. I gotta get out of there at 2:30 and I don't want to do that. I don't want to drive like the cops are chasing me. I want to drive like a normal human. Just give my food. I walk in there, there's four people. It's one of my favorite joints. Now for lunch, okay, I walk in there, the best chili in the world I get. I got a bowl of chili and a wedge salad. That's what I'm down to these days. There's no entree in my lunch anymore. It's an appetizer and a bowl of soup.

[Lee Syatt]

Not bad.

[Joey Diaz]

My favorite, I get the wedge with a couple pieces of bacon in there for protein. A blue cheese salad to keep my nuts intact, you know, I got rashes and saying I'm sorry.

[Lee Syatt]

What's good? I, I got lost on. I got rashes and rashes.

[Joey Diaz]

I got, you know, I got up skin. You know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syatt]

Me too.

[Joey Diaz]

Not as bad as mine, you Just sit in the wrong places and get the wrong things. I've been sitting in Jacuzzi for 30 years. Yeah, like on fire. I was doing things in Jacuzzis I can't even talk about. You go in a Jacuzzi and you get ringworm. Your eye swells up. You had like. Like six months of your eyes. What happened? I ate shrimp. What?

[Lee Syatt]

You know, I never had a problem before. It's just like there's something with me, I think. Like I have like the. The mush luck around. Like, it just something about you. Like, if I'm going to see you, that I could be fine all week. And then that day I'll trip.

[Joey Diaz]

I'll tell you what it is. You stay at Airbnbs. I'm going to tell you something, right? Knock on wood. I've never stayed in Airbnb and I never would.

[Lee Syatt]

No. And I'm not asking for, like, names of anything, but, like, I know you've gone away and like, rented houses. How do you do? You know how you do it if.

[Joey Diaz]

It'S not the family itself? Okay, I'm not a big Airbnb guy and I. I don't trust him. I just don't trust it. There's been too many cases of cameras and just stupidity. You know what? I don't need the aggravation. I like a hotel anyway. I want to go downstairs and have a cup of coffee and smoke a joint, relax. And when I'm good and ready, I go get my two eggs with my bacon and my home fries and my seven grain toast. And you better have seven grain toast. I'm not staying at your hotel ever again, right?

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, it's just that simple. I'm to that point in my life if I gotta get out. A vacation is not me going. And I gotta be chef of the future and take garbage out. I'm on vacation, okay? I want to take garbage out on vacation. I'll call the Hilton and get a job and sweep and stay in the rooms for free.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah. Or the only garbage you want to take out is just put it right outside your door. You don't want to have to. I hate that when you have to leave the Airbnb.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. No, no, no. They make you do.

[Lee Syatt]

Clean up the whole thing. Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

What am I, a janitor? I paid you money. Listen, I'm not gonna paint the walls and on the carpet, but things are gonna happen. Possibility. So pick them up. I'm gonna leave a nice little turd stain in the toilet. That's Because I don't put my dick in the toilet. I always push seat. So I always got a little stain of something. The other day, dog, the other night I got so high, I ate up. Listen, I'm too old. I don't have time to around with people in my personal life and how I eat. So when I go to Wawa, now, my favorite thing at Wawa, I don't get the smoothie no more. I don't get none of that sugar, sugar in my body, I go for broke. You know the gumballs from. With the check, the gumball, the whatever.

[Lee Syatt]

The lollipop, the frozen thing with the gumball at the bottom?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, but they have like a cherry one, a watermelon one, a green apple one and something else. Okay. I was hooked on those for a while. Like, if I go long trip, I gotta buy like three of them at a restaurant. And I always stop selling Cruz restaurant and I get like three or four of them and a coconut little. I see that are tremendous. And on the way back, I can't wait to get the celiac Cruz, because they got the fresh one. Like, I got the Arabs up the corner, they got blow pops. But them, they're like jawbreakers. I'm missing a tooth. I gotta go to the dentist because I bought one. One day solid is the rocket Gibraltar. You gotta sit there. I'm 51, I ain't got time. My jaws ain't that strong. So guess what they make now.

[Lee Syatt]

What's that?

[Joey Diaz]

They just sell you the blow pop that's in it. You, they eliminated the crust. You don't gotta suck a lollipop if you're a recovering. You're back. You can blow pop again, right?

[Lee Syatt]

Congratulations. Now you're hooked on these.

[Joey Diaz]

They sell them in the tent, the 10 pop. So it's two cherries, two watermelon. Oh, yeah. Oh. You buy a pack, scope a number, you go for a ride and you pop one at a time. Not me, I swear. I got so involved, I started swallowing right. You know me, I'm like a idiot at heart. So after about the 10th one, right. After about the next one, I swallowed. I gotta go. I go, Joey, I'm not 10 anymore. I can't be swallowing bubble gum. And I didn't eat the last four. I saved them for the next day and I didn't swallow them. But anyway, I had six gumballs. And like the next day or the day after, I don't know what happened. One of those days I was taking shits and I don't have my Glasses on. So I'm hitting the toilet and there's, like, little skid marks. And finally today, I go in there with my glasses on. There was a gumball in there. Like, the gum came out. It was just a little. And it was coated with little brown. Like, a little. I could have sold it to Krauses. They could have. Wait, did that mean you didn't even.

[Lee Syatt]

Like, chew this gumball? You just swallowed it like a pill?

[Joey Diaz]

One came out. I'm all right. I'm like a Colombian waiting. I'm like. I'm like a Columbian mule waiting like Michael Chandler till the next gumball comes out. You know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syatt]

But that means you didn't chew it, that you didn't do anything with it. It didn't even make it to your mouth.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm popping the gumballs and swallowing them. They're delicious, right? And after 6, I go, where'd that gumball go?

[Lee Syatt]

How often do you eat gum?

[Joey Diaz]

I only go there, like, twice a week. That's my cheat. Like, on a good night.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, but that's 20 things of gum a week that you're swallowing.

[Joey Diaz]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Just that particular night.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

Myself swallowing them because I was so high and I was hungry. You know, you get all emotional. You're like. Because when you're a kid, you eat those things when your mom beats you up. You ever see a sad kid with a gumb? One of those blow pops? He just his uncle for a ride. You know what I'm saying? They buy him a blow pop with him. We're gonna get you two blow pops. Don't say nothing to Mom.

[Lee Syatt]

No. Thank God. Jesus Christ.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, what? What can I tell you? Things happen in my world anyway, so.

[Lee Syatt]

You should have a gumball. I love it. I love it. I'm just laughing.

[Joey Diaz]

What are you laughing about?

[Lee Syatt]

You had a gumball.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, tremendous. When I was a kid, nothing came out. Like a long piece of double mint gum. Like a piece of paper. Is that the problem? If you swallow bubble gum, your intestine chews it up. If you buy that generic, like, it's not bubble gum, right? Or those things come out of your ass sticky, like they're all over the place. You weren't gonna wipe your ass. Next thing, they got a spider web on your hands. And guys, it's Wednesday, October 16th, I think. Who knows?

[Lee Syatt]

Yep.

[Joey Diaz]

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[Lee Syatt]

Oh, the. The yellow packet.

[Joey Diaz]

No, it's got, like, a bunch of different flavors of fruit in it.

[Lee Syatt]

Not Juicy Fruit.

[Joey Diaz]

No, this ain't Juicy Fruit. The same double mint. This is a bubble gum that used to come in a stick. And it was like tropical flavors. So let's just pretend you don't know. I would inhale a triple pack on a bus from New York. From Jersey and New York City. And I'm like, I'm made up. That's why I always tell people I'm a billy goat. I can eat any of that. Some people swallow gum and they end up in the hospital. I was blowing bubbles in my ass in Catholic school. You know what I always. Big red. Oh, I. When I was a kid.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, that can't feel good.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, when I was a kid, there was a gum called Devil Gum. Red Devil Gum.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

But he used to buy it by the box because his family had a deli and he would buy gums and, you know, I'm enjoying. That's in the world was simple. I'm enjoy mounds M M's. And they were all good products in there. Yeah, but it was that good Cuban radiation sugar. It kept you bouncing. Jack, look at these kids today. They sugar, they get fat started. They don't know, you know, I think.

[Lee Syatt]

You don't think they would. You would have gotten fat if you had a bunch of candy.

[Joey Diaz]

Well, it was a different world because we Were outside Lee.

[Lee Syatt]

That's true.

[Joey Diaz]

Climbing fences, chasing people, playing Wiffle ball. Every kid I hung out was in good shape. I gained weight when I was. When I came back from Catholic school, which was on like a weight, and I couldn't play football. And I was so embarrassed because in the fifth grade, when I came back to play football, you had to weigh 125 pounds or less. And then the. The upper league was 135, and they were already packed, so I could. I was always like 130, 131, and I wasn't old enough. And then I played a little bit in Union City at the semi pro. They called the semi pro wasn't semi pro. They didn't give us a dollar. We had to pay to play. So they didn't give a. We had to pay like $3 a game for insurance. So what we talking about?

[Lee Syatt]

We were talking about. I had it for a second too.

[Joey Diaz]

See you all up. I can't trust you.

[Lee Syatt]

God damn it. I had it for a second playing football. You gain weight when you move back.

[Joey Diaz]

After I gained the weight as a kid was in candy. When I came Catholic school, where all you drank is water all day, I came back home to a refrigerator that was. My mother owned a bar. And it was three levels of Coke. Dr. No Coke. Coke 7Up. There was no Sprite, nothing like that. It was Coke 7Up. And something else she drank. Tab, Tab, Your tabs. Oh, Tab was like a diet soda that was just with a lemon in it. I drank that, you know, when you ran out of Coke. I ain't gonna drink water. I never drank water as a kid. Let's get this straight. Once I left Capital School, I didn't drink water until about 10 years ago.

[Lee Syatt]

When we started podcasting unlimited soda at the bar. Like, as a kid, that must have been, like, the best thing at my house. Oh, yeah, your house, too? Jesus Christ.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, bring the soda home. So she would have Coke. Listen, real Coke, real seven up, real something else. And there was something else she bought. We weren't. I was a Mr. Pibb type of Miami. Little did I know it was Dr. Pepper. You know, I was a idiot just like everybody else, right? So. And then in the basement was the bottles of soda from the bar.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, nice.

[Joey Diaz]

Every four bought cases we got at the bar, we got a case home. I didn't drink that refugee soda. But when got bad, I was down there putting some ice on that. And it was all like the regular like that. Coca Cola was cola that 7Up was like uplift, it was called. Like, they couldn't words, but they would twist it and they would deliver like 16 bottles, four bottles in each row. And every row had a different flavor, you know?

[Lee Syatt]

Right.

[Joey Diaz]

That was the name of their 7up pop up.

[Lee Syatt]

And you didn't like it either. I hated that. I hated generic soda.

[Joey Diaz]

I drank, you know, listen, when I was a kid, I was just. I love soda.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

I was never gonna drink anything else. And then I discovered my buddy. I was in a band in the sixth grade.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

Ray Canelo. You met him. He came on.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, I love Ray.

[Joey Diaz]

Ray had the thing that really cracked me.

[Lee Syatt]

What's that?

[Joey Diaz]

As children and as adults, every once in a while you get so caught up in your world, but you taste something that you think you won't like or something, and all of a sudden just go. It just punches you in the face and you're like, Ray Canela had Kool Aid, great Kool Aid. But his mother wouldn't make it with water. She would shoot club soda in it and spin it around for you with thing. I lost my mind. I made my mother buy me 20. I walked around the house like Dean. I sprayed it in Kool Aid. And that didn't help my cause until I really got into basketball. And then I could see the pound shed and I started lifting like pseudo weights and. But until. And then I went on the iced tea kick. You know, every around the corner from my basketball, there was those 16 ounces for 35 cents. And they were fresh. We bought it from the thing that the.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, it was real iced tea. It wasn't like in a can.

[Joey Diaz]

No, it wasn't a little container. But it was really fresh because we bought it from. This is where the guy would steal them for us. Like he. That's where they delivered them. And he would put them on trucks to send them to different bodegas. So the iced tea, for some reason, tastes a little better around the corner. And the guy charged you like 25 cents instead of 35. Play basketball and go over there. He would come to the back door and they'd be like, stolen. He'd give us that and a container of milk for your mother, you know, you know the deal.

[Lee Syatt]

So that's awesome. No, I. I gained way when I. When I moved to la, that was what. Because I like all the driving. Because, like, coming from Boston, I was able to not be super fat because I was walking a little bit. But when I moved to la, I would never like it, never walk.

[Joey Diaz]

It's really weird. How weight gains on you. You don't get it. And then one day you go, what the.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And then you have to really. Because we do a lot as. I was just thinking about this how I went to a kid birthday party last week. Just stopped in, said hello. My daughter hung. My wife hung. Very nice people. And they have like a 15 year old. And I was watching this kid eat. Holy. We generous. I'll take anybody to a restaurant. Not this kid.

[Lee Syatt]

I was watching this kid eat.

[Joey Diaz]

And I'm sitting there, Lee, holding my head, thinking about your mom. My mom. Thinking about every mom in America that's single and had to feed us from the age of like 14 to 18. I was watching this kid, Lee. For a second, I got jealous right then. I almost started crying because I was a killer like that at one time. That really bothers you. That really bleed.

[Lee Syatt]

It can't eat like that anymore.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, this kid was throwing down. He had one of each, and then he put them all together, and then he went back single dishes of everything. I counted like nine walks. And you know what? That was me, nine walks with the dish. Not like white people with a salad. It weighs three ounces. This was packing two pounds on each dish. This is like a bodega in the ghetto. Oh, the ghetto. And get like chicken wings or something. About a pound. And it's tremendous.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

This kid was eating me. I thought about you. I thought about our parents. I thought about this particular kid that going to his house as a young man one day and his mother saying that, I've never seen anything like this. And I grew up with three brothers talking about her son that I was tight with. And I go, what's it like? And she goes, it starts with a box of cereal. Oh, all the eggs, all the bacon, all the bread, the milk. He goes, he's going through a gallon of milk a day.

[Lee Syatt]

I'm not saying, like, there's anything, like, majorly wrong, but, like, is there, like a medical condition that he doesn't feel full?

[Joey Diaz]

No, it's called my dick is growing my. I'm getting developing like a animal. Lee.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay. I've never heard of anyone eating.

[Joey Diaz]

Did you have a condition that's called, you know, neither me stop. No.

[Lee Syatt]

But a whole box of cereal. I don't know. I'm just.

[Joey Diaz]

I. I'm away from the table fat. That's the condition. That's the problem. We, you and I both had.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, my God, dude. I was eating peanut butter sandwiches after.

[Joey Diaz]

Dinner, and I was thinking about the drug growth hormone.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

It's really big. And I'm like, this is what we have in us. That. Come on, man. I used to eat at 2 in the morning what most people only in a day go home, go to sleep and wake up like a, like light, like a dove. I, you know, like princes, like doves cry. It was amazing. I have a half a peanut butter and jelly. I'm hungover the next morning.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, yeah, you don't feel. I'm not there yet. You don't feel good if you eat a big, big meal.

[Joey Diaz]

That's it. That's ship sail. No, that ship sailed. That ship. You see what I eat for lunch? I have a bowl of chili with eight or nine tortilla chips.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay?

[Joey Diaz]

It's seven points for the chili. It's beaten beans. There's like four points for 12 tortilla chips. And then I throw a wedge salad and I put the cre. The blue cheese on it. And I gotta tell you, it's one of the best blue cheese. I'm scared to go there and order the wings.

[Lee Syatt]

Why? You think it's gonna be too good?

[Joey Diaz]

Because the blue cheese is so fresh and so good there that I'd hate to go in there and eat the wings. I'd be £400.

[Lee Syatt]

So what would your lunch would have been 10 years ago.

[Joey Diaz]

Talk. How many times we go eat Chinese?

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

There was three sets of appetizers, two entrees and a lot of rice. Am I lying?

[Lee Syatt]

No.

[Joey Diaz]

Go with me to eat Chinese now.

[Lee Syatt]

What do you get now?

[Joey Diaz]

The, the entree and white rice entree, shrimp and lobster sauce.

[Lee Syatt]

And what do you feel like? Like, let's say you try to eat like you used to. What would you feel like the next day?

[Joey Diaz]

I don't feel good. I just don't feel good. My stomach doesn't feel good. I don't think my body digested as quick, you know? And this is, guys, this is for everybody. The decline started for me about 40 with meat. I noticed meat was not my agreeing with me. No diarrhea, no freckles, no, you know, bagel or nothing. I could tell you a bunch of lies. The meat was making me sleep weird and wake up. I don't want to say druggie. I don't want to say like inedible. It's a complete different flavor. It's a complete different feeling. You just feel overtaken now. Meat is good to eat and go to sleep. Don't get me wrong. Because it works. That's the only reason why you don' Want to eat It. Because the protein. The higher the protein level, the more your body has to work to break it down. It burns calorie. If you eat a steak while you digest it, you're actually burning calories.

[Lee Syatt]

So you should eat a steak for lunch. Is that what you're saying?

[Joey Diaz]

Well, I'm saying like a steak for dinner or something like that, but a steak at 2 in the morning, Like, I. Doug, listen, I'm a disciple of jre, okay? That's my brother. People have no idea what I saw. And I'm talking 20 years ago. Get whatever you want. I'm getting the 24 ounce tomahawk. You want one of those? No, I'm gonna get a tuna fish sandwich. Yeah, Yeah. I just got a check from a TV show. Do you want to eat a salad or do you want to throw down with this? You know, so I, I understand, but I'm just letting young guys know, Look, a man. I talked to Italian guys. Italian guys my age, they don't even eat sauce no more. More. Their feet swell up. They got spots like you, you know, it's a nightmare.

[Lee Syatt]

Is it fun? Like, I'm not, obviously I'm not trying to gain the weight back, but like, a little part of me is like, should I have just been fat for like a little bit longer? But like, what if I'm gonna. If I can't eat when I'm older? Like, I feel bad, like not eating that stuff now.

[Joey Diaz]

You don't want to eat that stuff?

[Lee Syatt]

I'm not going to. But it.

[Joey Diaz]

What you're reading, what we're reading in those places now is totally garbage. I don't recommend. I've never sat here and said to watch this podcast anybody. Never. I watched a Rogan podcast with the surgeon woman and the doctor on there last week. Okay, let's be honest. I can be honest with all you guys. There's no way I'm watching the podcast for an hour. I don't even watch this piece of podcast past 10 minutes. Okay? And I'm being honest with everybody. When I watch some of these podcasts, it could be 40 minutes and I've had enough. Do you know the Rogan podcast? I listened to it till one in the morning. Three hours, two and a half hours straight. Wow, that's so high. I put it on again and wrote.

[Lee Syatt]

Notes at 1 in the morning. You restarted it?

[Joey Diaz]

I didn't go to bed till two.

[Lee Syatt]

Ge. What? And what. What was the name of the.

[Joey Diaz]

About food and what they're putting in? You know, no testosterone in men. The Reason why testosterone is low and guys are dying of heart attacks. And it just, it was just mind blowing. She went on two rants on there that I had to stop it and go, I know this. I was there. I feel this. I'll have to check it out, you know. But anyway, this podcast ain't about fat food or dying. Dieting. 2 fat. Talking about dieting. I just highly recommend that show. How was Wise Guys in Utah?

[Lee Syatt]

Really amazing. It was such a cool because like that's one of the ones that all you guys talk about.

[Joey Diaz]

Caitlyn. Catalina, the one girl is very nice there.

[Lee Syatt]

Very. I, I'm. If I met you, I apologize for the. But there was. The staff was amazing there. Everyone was super cool there, actually. What'd you say?

[Joey Diaz]

Amazing club, very cool.

[Lee Syatt]

The audiences were very cool. I'm. I'm. Friday was not my best day. Friday I opened up with something too soon. And then the Late Show Friday I did better. But I was proud of myself because this again, this was the host name was Trey Lamb. Very funny comic. Best host I've seen all throughout the country. But he closed with something similar to what I usually open with. And I thought like a mess didn't mess me up. He didn't do anything wrong. But it I. So Saturday I switched the order of my stuff to something I've never opened with before and it completely worked. So like I was. Because I didn't like, I didn't want to bomb at this far. This club was like this is what.

[Joey Diaz]

You learned that why would you play a high hand when he just mentioned it, right? He didn't you up. He got to it first, right?

[Lee Syatt]

No, no. I, I told him he not mad at him at all.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. No, no, no, no. And this is what happened. That's a great lesson to learn because we get too involved in our jokes and we think and you took a chance, it went on the other side. You adjusted it. You learned. You came back for the late show. How was Saturday?

[Lee Syatt]

Well, that's why I made the switch on Saturday and amazing shows. The then the first Friday shows weren't bad at all, but I just wasn't as happy with what I did on like Saturday was really fun. Saturday was great. And it's like Salt Lake City was a cool city. Very like I've never really. It was so quiet, dude. Like, everyone was so nice. But it was like strange as a city.

[Joey Diaz]

I really enjoyed myself there the first time. Listen, when I first. When you're a feature act or mc, they could send you to the Hell hole of the country. And it's a great time because you're not at home and you're actually doing what you signed up to do. You know, later on you get pickier. And, man, I almost got stabbed behind that club. Okay. You know, you didn't know. Your agent didn't know. That's not the club to book you at when they pay in cash. You know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syatt]

Right.

[Joey Diaz]

And it's so exciting. Like, I remember. Like, sometimes I think of you. Like, I still remember going to Houston for the first time to feature for Bobby Slayton. And I was invincible that night. Even. I was just invincible. Like, it was such a treat. I still remember going with Joe Rogan to Boston to open up. Like, I had heard so much about Boston, and here I was, you know, and then you're in Milwaukee, and then you go to fucking. But the Utah thing was greatly. Because me and you were working together, and I met the owner at a triple run. This is how life works, guys. Keith. Did you get to meet Keith?

[Lee Syatt]

I don't believe he was there that week.

[Joey Diaz]

No. Because he's got Vegas. He's got a bunch of stuff. Now, Keith is a sweetheart of a guy and a fantastic businessman, as you've seen.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, yeah, it was amazing.

[Joey Diaz]

He really jumped on the board about eight years ago. And how it started was because the last time I had heard about Keith was at Doug Stanhope's house in 1999. I went to Stanhope's house and there was a letter that he had framed. The letter from the city of Utah, the Commerce or something like that, whatever. You know, one of those letters, we have to get Stanhope back on to explain it.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

Want them back in the Chamber of Commerce.

[Lee Syatt]

Right. Okay, gotcha.

[Joey Diaz]

Commerce Got so many complaints about Doug Stanhope performing there that he just said, I can't have wild acts anymore. They're just too religious. That, too, whatever. So it really kind. And then I heard he was going to be somewhere, and I said, say hello to him. And like, two weeks later, he contacted me. We started talking. How's it going? And this is like the beginning of the podcast. And about six months later, I did Columbus or something else, and we were talking on Facebook, and I go, do me a favor. Pick up your phone, call me, send me your number. And I go, doug, what's going on over there? And he's like, oh, it's a great club. But I go, it's 2000 fucking 11, 2012, 2013. And you guys are still running around scared like, the craziest act he had was like, Lisa Lampanelli on, like, Monday nights, hidden, like, you know, And I'm like, dog, you got to be kidding me. Take a chance. Columbus did. And he goes, okay, but I'm not gonna pay you. It's going to be a complete door deal. Complete. If you bomb, it's on you. You don't make a dime. The plane ticket comes out of your pocket. I'll cover the hotel. Done. Put the tickets for sale. He put me in a little. In a big room, okay. He goes, I don't know. I promote differently. I'm not going to promote you in September when I've got to be in Texas in August. Okay? So in two weeks out, the room sold out. But by that time, he had lost confidence in me and put a bigger act in the bigger room and put me in the small room.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh.

[Joey Diaz]

When I get there on a Thursday night, there's people standing outside. One guy with a bomb that I saw visibly. And I go, wait a second. Where am I? Utah. Salt Lake. There's a guy out there with a bomb. And then afterward, he had a pound of weed. They had edibles. This was not what you thought about. About you. You know, I would watch these shows and see this, but I knew they did the festival there.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, the film festival.

[Joey Diaz]

Sundance. So I knew something had to be happening there. Enough with being scared and dog, you know, Next thing you know, I tell. Booked it. A bunch of us started booking. I went back, like, three or four times. It's a Friday and Saturday, right? You're not gonna sell a ticket there on a Sunday. I don't care. They had to shut down a UFC one time on a Sunday.

[Lee Syatt]

Really?

[Joey Diaz]

Six. They sold six tickets on a Sunday.

[Lee Syatt]

A UFC about. Holy.

[Joey Diaz]

About 10 years ago.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, I. That they didn't have a Sunday show, but I think they might have Thursday shows. And they have. But they. That small room is pretty cool.

[Joey Diaz]

Like, that's tremendous.

[Lee Syatt]

That's a perfect room. But in the big room was great, too, But.

[Joey Diaz]

And now he's got Vegas. He's got something else. He's got one in the Valley.

[Lee Syatt]

I don't know.

[Joey Diaz]

I have to go on the website. But he does a great job. He really jumped on the wagon with the future of comedy instead of running around scared. So I give. I give him props for that, and I'm happy. His club is booming, and if I ever go out there, I'll jump off the helicopter and go see my boy, whether it's in Vegas or whatever. You know, but right now I'm just focused on Thanksgiving. I'm focused. Tomorrow, City Winery tickets go on sale for November 12th. I got a Tuesday night in the city. I don't know if you're in town. I love you and just get my shit together, Lee. Little by little, I feel good. Everything is good. My ears still fucked up. I'll find out about the cancer unfucking this week. They just took a ball out to see what the fuck it was.

[Lee Syatt]

But you don't tell people shit.

[Joey Diaz]

Why would I tell you? I don't want to depress nobody. I'm supposed to be bringing you joy. Supposed to be?

[Lee Syatt]

Not everyone's always enjoy.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't mind sharing the bubble gum story. I want people to know you can't swallow bubblegum. You know what I'm saying? And don't be surprised if you find it on a piece of paper or. And it's funny because a couple weeks ago I went to wipe my muffler and it was a little soggy and there was a little ball in there. And I go, what? Maybe that was a piece of blue cheese or something. Now it was the bubble gum, so my intestines are working. That's the good.

[Lee Syatt]

I'm glad that mystery is solved. What are you. How long was that bothering you for?

[Joey Diaz]

What?

[Lee Syatt]

You didn't know what it was?

[Joey Diaz]

It didn't bother me. I just wrote it off. At least it came out. There was no blood on it. There's nothing to worry about. Maybe sometimes you sneeze, a little something comes out, you don't know. But I didn't know until I was like. And to be honest, I think I went to sit down and couldn't poop. And I just did a wipe and I go, what the is this? And it was just. Little surprise. Hey, I'm 61. I'm a year away from diapers. I'm proud. I can't wait to wear diapers and just.

[Lee Syatt]

You're not gonna wear a diaper?

[Joey Diaz]

You bet your ass.

[Lee Syatt]

At 63.

[Joey Diaz]

Well, I don't know. I still. I'm just getting to the point. I'm sick of changing underwears, and I just want to rip the diaper off and rinse like a dog and come on. Like, I gotta get like one of those wheelchair showers, like the dick area, just to shower at the same time. That's why I always like going Las Vegas, because you got showers pointing at you from all angles. It's like a camera. You could put one for your armpit. Sometimes your left armpit smells. And your right armpits. Cool. I don't know what it is. Something biological.

[Lee Syatt]

Are you gonna be on a wheelchair? Like, why do you need a wheelchair shower?

[Joey Diaz]

Because it's lower that sh. If you're like a wheelchair, like a wheelchair accessible or you're like a part time midget. You ever knock on the door, they got the peephole. You go to bend over, you throw your back out before the show. Like, why am I. And they. They tell you we were sold out. That's the only room we have. Then you go in the shower and they got a bunch of straps and you ever go into one of those showers, they got straps so the person could launch themselves and sit. Now you're looking around because you think they're trying to cripple you too. Maybe they left the pimp a thing of soap on the ground. Next thing you know, you're crying like Uncle Junior that you broke your hip. You know how scared I am? I'm gonna break my hip. I take a shower now with like a. With like a thing on. You know those little things? I stole it from Mercy.

[Lee Syatt]

The like the little thing that we went to the beach. Like a preserver. Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Because if I fall, I just bounce. I ain't stupid. I'm smart.

[Lee Syatt]

I don't think I've ever told anybody this on. Like I said, I have a joke about it, but I'm not gonna do the joke. I promise. Josh Wolf.

[Joey Diaz]

I know always puts you in the handicap room. Yeah, that's. That's what you do to beginners room. Put them in the magician's room. Give me the room. The guy committed suicide. Put him in there and put a noose under the bed. So he just.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, I was highest one of them. And I didn't know like the. The toilet seat was raised.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh yeah, like I pissed.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh yeah. Like I pissed my pants. Like I was. I was taking a. Going pee and it just went right. Because it was like a super raised scene. So yeah, like now every week it's a. Is that what people do? Have you. Do you ever. With your features like that with you?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, because you know, you deserve it, but nobody else, you know, Nobody. It's funny. You look at that toilet and you can see a chubby dude scoot onto the toilet. And he's got to look at it and think about it. He's got a. And he's got anxiety. And also he's like, push me over, push me over. He's got to do that little jump and go on the toilet. He goes, thank God I've been there. How was that fat dude anyway? Speaking of fat dudes, let's take a. A little commercial break. I'm going to talk to you about DraftKings and what's going on over there. I'll see you in two minutes. Listen up, guys. Uncle Joey here, it's time for you to do a little touchdown because DraftKings Sportsbook, an official sports betting partner of the NFL, is here to get you in on the action this football season. If you haven't done it yet, it's time to get on. And I'm gonna tell you why. Because a lot of things are happening. Even if you've never made a bet before in your life, DraftKings makes it easy and fun. Try betting on something simple like a certain player scoring a touchdown or a quarterback getting sacked 82 times. You know, whatever you want to do, DraftKings has it for you. Makes the games more exciting with a little skin in the game. Okay? And listen, I love you guys. Here's a gift from your Uncle Joey. New customers. If you go now, maybe you're sick of your old service. Maybe you want. You need a new boost. Maybe you got to take the Maluka off you. Sometimes the service will put the Maluka on you. Once they put the Maluka on you, you're done over there. You got to go somewhere else. This is when DraftKings comes in. And let me tell you something, like I've been with them for like six years. You'll be with DraftKings Sportsbook, the number one bet. The number one place to bet touchdowns. Download the DraftKings sportsbook app right now. It's nice and easy. And use Code Joey. That's Code Joey for new customers to get listen 200 and bonus bets tip top magoo. When you bet $5 on anything, but you want to bet it on a running back having three touchdowns or going over a hundred yards. Something that you know about. You know what? It's time you put your money behind your mouth is you sit there with your friend. Oh, he should have been drafted. Enough. Go to DraftKings, download the app and let's see if you know what you're really talking about. All right? But while you're there, have a fantastic time. Only on DraftKings, where the Crown is yours. That's Code Joey. Download the DraftKingsport the Book app right now. All right, let's get back to the show before these Maluka things wear on gambling problem. Call 1-800-GAMBLER In New York, call 877-8-Open Wire. Text Hopeny 467-369. In Connecticut, help is available for problem gambling. Call 888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org Please play responsibly on behalf of Boothill Casino and resort in Kansas, 21 and over. Age and eligibility varies by jurisdiction. Void. In Ontario, bonus bets expire 168 hours after issuance. For additional terms and responsible gaming resources, see DKNG CO ft Ball. We're back, Jack. Listen, you guys know I'm a Cuban Jew and I can't tell you something? I didn't even have to go on the computer. Once I'm off camera, everything comes back to me. Lee, we were talking about that bubblegum. I got an interesting story. It's called Fruit Stripe. And it was 99 slices in a pack. I would put three in my mouth at a time. Like, I would take, like, Remember, the whole package, different flavors. The thing was a zebra with different stripes, right? I would take the three grape ones, open them up. They had like riddles in there. I don't read no riddles. All right, the banana ones and the cherry ones and the blueberry ones and I eat the whole thing. And then I end up in the city. Bartender, I'll never forget. I was eating all those gums and about an hour later, I drank club soda. I was a big fan. Club soda, dude. It did something to my stomach and I started farting. It smelt like every piece of fruit in that package. Like I smelled like a cherry fart. Then I smelled like a lemony fart. I'm like, fruit Stripe. That was it.

[Lee Syatt]

Well, guys, because the one part we we didn't mention is we were talking about it. And then you were eating this 100 stick pack of gum and a 20 minute bus ride from your. From New Jersey to New York. This wasn't like a day. This wasn't over a week. This was in 20 minutes. And you're just shoveling down gum.

[Joey Diaz]

And I would stop at Port Authority, get my hot dog with onions, get one of those sticks, one of those. What do you call that? Hanau sticks. Halal. And I get like a Coke. And once I inhale that, I'd walk to work on 54th street inhaling three at a time, just littering the streets like the mayor. Just like, who cares? Three at a time. By the time I got to work, all the gum was done.

[Lee Syatt]

But I thought you were telling me that you, after you ate 100 pieces of gum, then you Ate a hot dog with extra onions.

[Joey Diaz]

No, in the middle.

[Lee Syatt]

In the middle. Okay. That is important.

[Joey Diaz]

New York. I always made the left. And I went to the corner around 40 seconds, I walked out into the beautiful sun. Thank you, Lord, for getting me into the city. Now don't get me stabbed. I go to the corner and I get my hot dog. Maybe two. A pincho, a steak on a stick, the halal on the stick with a piece of Italian bread. And then the guy's got the Frank's hot sauce. You put it on that meat. Listen, let me explain something to you. When you're broke and you're young and you're optimistic, that's a meal. I knew I was eating a cat or a dog or a lamb. I knew it. You know. You know it.

[Lee Syatt]

Lamb's okay, though.

[Joey Diaz]

Not. But it was like lamb mixed with something else. It's not like the lamb. You get it like the restaurant where it comes on a hoof, some lamb from God knows where, somebody's yard. They just hunted them down in the middle of the night in Brooklyn and chopped them up. They marinated them a little. And it's not bad. Like, I don't. I've never. Blood from those pinchos.

[Lee Syatt]

That's good to know. Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. Dude, if we can't talk about it, we can cut it if you want. Can you. Can we talk about that cool new bong you got?

[Joey Diaz]

Yes. I could even show it to them, but then they'll cut us out. Then they'll cut.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, yeah, you know, you're probably right. Can we talk about it or. You don't even talk about it.

[Joey Diaz]

I'll talk about it to you. Listen, is. It's called the Hitachi whatever, right? I don't know. And.

[Lee Syatt]

Because, guys, he just was calling me when I was on the road this week, and it. He was just like, it sounds like the coolest bong ever. Like, we can't show it, but it just sounded super cool. Like, it was like, I've never.

[Joey Diaz]

This is it right here, the Hatoki. And you hit it five times. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. It turns blue. And then you adjust the lighting for the lasers. But here's the biggie of it. Here's what makes you feel like a doctor, okay? That you could just sit there. Keith, press this button. Keep hitting. They got a long hose.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, can I have the hose?

[Joey Diaz]

You could. You could. You could zap yourself to death. It's a. Like a red light. Now, listen, I'm honest with you guys, because, you know, I'm a consumer just like you. Friday. Because I got it, like, last week in the mail. But I opened it up and I knew I just don't have the brains to even know what that is. And then I sat there another day and I go, let me open it and check it out and read the instructions. Yeah. You know, I'm no. 5.

[Lee Syatt]

I don't have the brain.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. Listen, it's not gonna work out for me. I already know I'm gonna have to involve my wife. And when my wife sees that hoe, she ain't gonna like it. She thinks it's like a harem down here. She don't want to see a hose or a blowtorch. She's still from Tennessee, and she's a Christian. She understands outside. And I do what I have to do. And from time to time, a little edible. But once she sees a hose, it scares her, right?

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, like fire. My wife don't like hoses. You know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syatt]

So I had no idea about either of those things.

[Joey Diaz]

Well, now you know.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

So the first time I did it, guys, I did it just to the tea. I plugged it in for an hour 45. I left it in there for like three hours. Why? Around. It was ready to go. I filled the water, I cut it. I put it in a little compartment, and I hit. And I kept hitting it. You know, you don't meet dog. I'm a gorilla. And it's little hits and it's cleaner. Like, it doesn't smell. And I'm burning. I'm hitting and I'm hitting them. I went in the shower, okay. So I went upstairs, took my clothes off. I went in the shower because I had to go somewhere. Do you know, while I was shaving, I cut myself under here. Oh, no, the scab. While I was shaving that night. It's a little cut right here.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

And when I went to wipe my face, I saw blood on my hand. And I didn't faint. Whatever high this gave me the first time took it to a different level. Listen to me. I started sweating in the shower profusely.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, no.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, it was one of those highs. I had to come out of the shower, dry myself off, and I was still sweating. I just stood there, and I felt like I couldn't even breathe. I was very euphoric, but at the same time, it had just attacked my central nervous system. I was up, Jack. And I brushed my teeth. I did what I had to do. My underwears on. I put My rash cream on. And then I realized how high I was. So what do you think I did? With out of respect for Yom Kippur, I sat there. But this time I put like moon rocks in it and Quesarasa Rob dust and the whole thing. And I hit it like three times. Lee. I had to get in the car and get out of here. I had to leave with the inhaler. I was inhaling all the way through my neighborhood with sunglasses.

[Lee Syatt]

Way to be on the inhaler.

[Joey Diaz]

What?

[Lee Syatt]

Like, why are you driving away?

[Joey Diaz]

Because I couldn't sit here anymore. Like the walls were. I sit alone in my stuff My fourth started room staring at candles at night I can't sleep I tossed and turned candlesticks in the diet Body being burned four walls just staring at a brother. That's. That's what I feel like. Okay.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

Once you start hearing that song, it's time to go. I said alone. I sit alone in my something room staring at candles Then the music comes in. At night I can't sleep I toss and turn candle sticks in the dark Visions of body being burned four walls just staring at her brother. That's the ghetto boys out of Houston, Texas.

[Lee Syatt]

I wonder if we're gonna get flagged for that.

[Joey Diaz]

What's that, brother? No, I sang a song like I just pretty good with you. Yeah. If I put the. If I brought the. The whole band in here and did a whole thing, then we're no danger. But I just did four songs. They. You know what?

[Lee Syatt]

Are you okay?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, but I'm feeling good. Where are you this weekend? You're always somewhere. You're the man. You. You got the pad in New York to be somewhere. Thank God nobody gets the address. Thank God I was a thief when I got. Because if I listen to podcasts. Listen, if I was a thief, why.

[Lee Syatt]

Are you asking people to steal from me?

[Joey Diaz]

All these comics would have begun robbed. You're telling me where you're going? Family. I know about the dog. I know how to poison them. You know the whole thing.

[Lee Syatt]

Why I don't have my schedule next that the end of this year just thankfully got busy. This Thursday I'm with Jim Florentine. What you say?

[Joey Diaz]

How many milligrams you do tonight?

[Lee Syatt]

A hundred.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, you didn't see.

[Lee Syatt]

Yes, I did. What do you mean.

[Joey Diaz]

This has to end? I pulled the mushrooms out of the freezer. The guy sent me a warning that people that eat these mushrooms hair starts growing. So that's good. You need a couple strands.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, good.

[Joey Diaz]

We'll Grow it out and put, like, a little dragon on there. Like a little cream donut.

[Lee Syatt]

Why would I want a few strands to come out that long?

[Joey Diaz]

What's that?

[Lee Syatt]

Why would I. Why would I let a few. That looks terrible. A few strands that just get super long.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, Like a Chinese guy will put a little thing in your head you whip around. You call yourself Japanese Jew. Whatever. Something. A twist. You know, there's a very nice door.

[Lee Syatt]

Guy who has that at the store.

[Joey Diaz]

Well, that's okay. But he's, like, from Cambodia or something like that, so it don't count.

[Lee Syatt]

Doesn't count. Oh, my God. Those mushrooms sound scary as those.

[Joey Diaz]

What?

[Lee Syatt]

Those mushrooms sound scary. Let me just. I'm with Jim Florentine. You love Jim Florentine. This Thursday at Laugh Boss with Jim.

[Joey Diaz]

I went to his nieces. I love his dog. I love the Jim Florentine fam. Yeah, Brothers like my. I talk to them on the side. I talked to Jimmy. I talked to the one brother. He's my attorney, you know, the other guy's my Bitcoin. The other guy's my realtor. Information. They're tremendous. That's the crime family. You don't have to pitch me on Jimmy and his family.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, no, I just.

[Joey Diaz]

When I. When I ship by them, I feel like. Fam. Like they're my family. One of the best families ever. Ever. Four years later. Still love them more than when I met him four years ago.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, he's been great to me. This is the second time I've opened for him.

[Joey Diaz]

It's a. It's just something different, what they have. And I'm happy to be, you know, that they invite me to their functions. I gotta go to a Halloween party where you dress up as a dead celebrity.

[Lee Syatt]

Who are you gonna be?

[Joey Diaz]

You don't want to know. Anyway, okay, I'm gonna be the. The prime minister of the one that they threw the bomb at.

[Lee Syatt]

Three weeks.

[Joey Diaz]

We did the whole thing. You know, the whole.

[Lee Syatt]

Anyway, as soon as he said prime minister like this, it cannot end good. There's no good prime minister.

[Joey Diaz]

And there's gonna be a lot of young kids there, so I'm gonna let them eat that mushroom. Just put them at the shop when they see me. Doug.

[Lee Syatt]

Holy. I would love to see a picture of that.

[Joey Diaz]

Why am I going Netanyahu on New Year's Eve? You know what I'm saying? Dude, there's Netanyahu and there's Netanyahu on Yom Kippur. Two different animals. He's looking for an optimistic Leah, you knew he had a good New Year's. But anyway, we won't get into that. There's a lot of political activists that watch the podcast. Oh, yeah, I've been called a Zionist, and I don't even know what it means. Just leave me alone. I'm just trying to make stupid jokes here, people. Listen, you need to read Decora. I don't need to read nothing, all right? Leave me alone. This is just a joke. It's Saturday, you know, sadly, take the day off from saving the world. What's the big deal? All right, It's Saturday. I'm at the gym, I'm getting high. I'm on the bike doing hit to work out, doing like 30 seconds at 10. And also I'm thinking about. I'm. What? No, CNN was on. On the tv, and I see that he bombed, whatever, Lebanon, and he went after Iran. And I'm like, wait a second, it was just Yom Kippur now. Again, that doesn't surprise me. You know what I'm saying? They thought they'd be jumping up and down. We're still going to keep you at bay, even though. Whatever. The Jewish slaves. I don't know what happened. I don't want to know. The great Vine. So in my mind, there was a couple Jewish people at the gym. And I said, I go, netanyahu knows how to get the party started. I got that at the gym. I just got fired up at the gym. You know me, you smoke a joint, next thing you know, you're trying to deadlift 300 pounds, and you remember you're a fat. What am I doing? I'm going back to the bicycle. I'm gonna go stroke for 30 seconds. You know what I'm saying? You over there and hide in the corner.

[Lee Syatt]

Were you friends with Jewish people or these?

[Joey Diaz]

Such an advocate of working the out. Because once you become a feature headliner. And, Lee, I love what you do, the walks. But you gotta be high on those walks and put music on to open up everything. You're thinking of comedy now, the gym, I put the earphones on. Not because I'm arrogant. There's some days, like Saturday, I went in there with earphones. That was the first time in, like, two weeks, you know? But there's a lot of people wear the earbuds. I don't want to be that guy. So I just keep it light on the bike. You can't do the exercises I do with the thing on. You're swinging kettlebells, the thing flies off your head and My ears are shaped weird. I got beautiful. The new ear pod somebody sent me. I can't put it in my ear. You know, I gotta put it. I don't know what they're gonna do. I don't know if they're gonna replace the ear or put a fake. Whatever. I ain't even worried about it. I'm 61. What do I need an ear for? You know what? Enough is enough, you know? Take the thing out, put a little tube in there. I don't care what you put in there anymore. I'm down to one ear, and I can't wait till that one goes so I could just not for real. Like, that's when I got the sign, don't talk to me, I'm deaf. It's over. Okay, if you don't know sign language, give it a break.

[Lee Syatt]

Wait, what does that mean?

[Joey Diaz]

That's a flying. See What?

[Lee Syatt]

Instead of just, like, getting rid of your ear, why not just, like, get the sign and says, don't talk to me, I'm deaf. Like, you could just pretend to be deaf.

[Joey Diaz]

That's not fair. That's anti American. That's like telling people you were in the Marines and you weren't. You can't tell people why. There's good American people. When I'm deaf, I'll let you know. And trust me, I'm gonna be really proud because I'm gonna let people get. That's the time when you let people go. You see somebody, like, anything bothering you? Yeah. Here. Do three lines of coke. They go for 45 minutes and they're like, what do I do? I have no idea. I didn't hear anything you said. Well, why'd you listen? Because I got nowhere else to be. I'm 68 years old. I might as well sit here and look at your face.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

Over your eyelash. I don't know.

[Lee Syatt]

Jesus, Joey, are you, like. It sounds like you're looking forward to being deaf.

[Joey Diaz]

I didn't say that. But I can't worry about my ear no more. It's been driving me crazy. Three doctors. I don't know how many antibiotics. Well, listen. And I know I got jungle rot. I told you I got rashes. So when I scratch this one, this one mixes with this one. You mix in the full tongue, the toe. From God knows what type of explosion I'm causing. This could be like skin warfare. They could take the. Scrape this off me and put it in chemicals and send it to people, and next thing you know, they have their ear is up they won't hear anything.

[Lee Syatt]

Jesus, I had no idea that. I mean, that anything like this was going on for so long.

[Joey Diaz]

Do you think I knew?

[Lee Syatt]

You went to the doctors. You were there.

[Joey Diaz]

Creams and taking antibiotics and going, oh, this will be fine. In two weeks, I don't have to walk around like I survived an assassination. And then two weeks later, it goes away. And then a week later, she calls me in. Oh, there's something there. I've been telling you that, lady. This has been for anybody who's involved with medical right now. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ.

[Lee Syatt]

They just send you on like a.

[Joey Diaz]

They gave me a tube for the fucking one rash. Well, it ran out or the rash got stronger. I called a doctor. It took a week to get the two tubes. Talking about we have to go on the computer. You remember the name of it? Yeah, it's right here in my brain. No, I don't know the name of it. It's got like 16 letters in it. I don't know, you know, letters. I ain't got enough glasses to read all those letters. So. So. Oh, my God.

[Lee Syatt]

Like, so I'm only laughing because, like, it's like a hundred percent accurate. Like. Like I could just imagine your doctor asking you what you're on. A pharmacist.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, let me explain something to you. I go to the doctor and they just. It's like, abuse.

[Lee Syatt]

Who's abusing who?

[Joey Diaz]

Because you go in there first and I. With them, you know, I do 90 on the way down there. I cut people off. I said, fuck with them.

[Lee Syatt]

Don'T with them. I don't fly the other way.

[Joey Diaz]

So when I walk in there, my blood pressure is high. Like, oh, my God, you know, your blood pressure is 170. Listen, that's where I live, lady. Relax. What? And I don't. I don't. I have blue coat. Whatever. My blood pressure always goes up, especially if I don't know you. Oh, so does your doctor know? Did you take the medication? I just toy with them. Yeah. And then they're like, okay, we gotta check some. Do you still weigh 380 pounds? No, no, no. 520. You know. Do I. Look, you just weighed me and it said 2:65. Why are you at. It's unbelievable. These are the people in charge. Then they start. I go in there by myself. I got glasses on. Then they start with the creepy questions I used to. We gotta ask you some questions. Are you still on this medication? This man? And after, like, 20 minutes, I just asked them to death. I don't even know what they're talking about. And then after they start really getting technical, I go, time out. I go, my wife in here don't ask me no questions. If my wife don't ask me what I took this morning, I don't even know what I took this morning. My wife has six things. I take them with her. We put them in containers. I trust her. I don't know what the fuck's in there. My wife could kill me for all I know. I don't give a.

[Lee Syatt]

So what? Like, it's just like those pre packaged things. You just bring it on the road. If you ever, you know, packages, we.

[Joey Diaz]

Put in one of those containers. So I'll take one a day and one at night. And then I have a little thing for my thyroid. And then anything else on the counter for penicillin or antibiotic or, you know, formaldehyde pill. Who the knows?

[Lee Syatt]

Hopefully it'll be over soon. You said you're gonna get results back soon.

[Joey Diaz]

What is it? Come again? I can't hear.

[Lee Syatt]

I said, I said I hope. I said I hope we get like, it's over soon.

[Joey Diaz]

Well, you know, bro, it's irritating. It's. It's been like. She asked me to describe and it's like having a needle that broke in between two pieces of meat. And every time you talk, it moves.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, and it hurts every time you move.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh my God. And I know that when they go in there, it's going to be a little ball the size of a pin. That's what caused all this. It's something in there that just. But anyway, let's not even wipe. Depress the people. We're on a roll here tonight.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay. And I think they like to hear about, but okay, dude, what I had, like, have you ever had anybody, like, get a little bit too handsy after the show? Like, and like, not like nothing like to call the cops about, but just like this dude like started like, like extra hug on me, like, kiss me on the head. Like, it's like, I have never really experienced that stuff.

[Joey Diaz]

Did you like it?

[Lee Syatt]

No. He was a nice dude, but it.

[Joey Diaz]

Was just like I never experienced that stuff. No, nobody does until you swap, you know?

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, no, he didn't try to kiss me.

[Joey Diaz]

What, he kiss you?

[Lee Syatt]

No, he just kissed me on like the, the top of my head.

[Joey Diaz]

No, he's scratched, you know what I'm saying? He probably got one of those spotty rashes from me. He's at home right now. He'd be pissed, scratching his Lips. Putting whatever they put on their lips. Moisturize my lips. Listen, you and your mom sucked a thousand dicks. Now you're thinking of moisturizing? Forget it.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, well, I had no idea what, like. And my mom would kill me. She heard that I said that. But, like, most of my, like, spots have gone away. And then they. Well, and they do come back. But if I, like, actually wash my face with, like, a cleanser and then put lotion on most of them go like. Do you ever do that? Like, I can't imagine you washing your face.

[Joey Diaz]

I wash my face twice a day.

[Lee Syatt]

Really.

[Joey Diaz]

And I have a product on a. On a piece of paper, like a cotton.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

To me. And it's a prescription. And I rub that in. And my blackheads are lighter. I don't have that thing anymore on my skin. I've been moisturizing, you know?

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, bro, I never did this all my life. And now there's days I touch my skin, I think it's somebody else's. I mean, guys, I love everybody here, but things are going to change that you can't even foresee. Like, from the middle of my knee. Look at your kneecaps right now. Go 14 inches in. It's your groin area. And do a circle around that area to your belly button.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

At this age, I don't even know who that belongs to anymore. Took my old piece off and put an old piece on. It's not that it looks old. It just looks rugged. It changed colors. Like, I have, like, dark skin. Like, my balls have become, like, the sweatshirt. Like, not blue, but, like, black. Like that hat.

[Lee Syatt]

Really?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. Everything has just gotten like, a darker color. Like your elbow skin.

[Lee Syatt]

I wouldn't even recognize them anymore.

[Joey Diaz]

I've been rubbing Maluka cream down there. You know, you don't want to walk around, go to a pool. And I already have problems with my nut sack, pop shorts and whatnot.

[Lee Syatt]

I had no idea.

[Joey Diaz]

That's. Dude, that's wild to be honest with you guys. Preparing you to what you're gonna see. Don't panic. You know, you have to pick your decision. You have to pick your diseases. Don't worry about a rash on your knee. When you got cancer growing in your ass, you're worrying about the wrong thing. Go get your prostate check. I hate doing it, but you got to play in the band from time to time. You gotta look the other one, you know? These are the things that are probably going to save you. And now at this age. I would never tell people to do this now. I ain't got the time. You got. So. So Wednesday night you're opening up with Jimmy Bangs up Thursday. Thursday. And then Friday, Saturday you're up there.

[Lee Syatt]

Working as ROAR in Springfield, Massachusetts. I'll be at ROAR Friday and Saturday night.

[Joey Diaz]

Roar R O A R. Yes, sir.

[Lee Syatt]

In the MGM Springfield. It's a great club. I'm very excited.

[Joey Diaz]

Congratulations, Tarzan time, buddy. When will you be in New York? Right now, people are picking up your kitchen appliances.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, dude. It's craziness. It's right now and I'm blessed. Like, I'm. I have a great. The week after that, I'm in at the Comedy Works in Denver with Josh Wolf. I have a lot of great, like, weeks coming up, but at starting next year, I'm gonna maybe try to limit it to like two a month some here.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, you gotta. You moved to New York to become the king of New York.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, you know, 100. I haven't gotten to do as much as I've been wanting to do in New York, but I have some lined up that are pretty. I'm excited about and. But it's definitely too much. Like, I'm just never here.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, that's not.

[Lee Syatt]

So that's going to change. I just had stuff lined up before I moved here and then. So, like, it's. That's a weird place to be in because I don't. I'm just gonna have to start prioritizing certain weekends to, like, open up for Josh. Like, those are the most important ones.

[Joey Diaz]

But you also want to work on your own to establish yourself at the same time. So I get it. The problem is you're in a tight corner. And, you know, I told you this once before. On the move from Seattle to Los Angeles in 1997. It took. It was supposed to take three days, Lee, but the axle fell off the trailer. So we spent a week in San Francisco. Thank God we were pulling the car.

[Lee Syatt]

Why?

[Joey Diaz]

Huh?

[Lee Syatt]

Why?

[Joey Diaz]

Why?

[Lee Syatt]

Why thank God?

[Joey Diaz]

Because that car got me around San Francisco.

[Lee Syatt]

Got it. Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

So instead of panicking that Sunday night, we woke up on a Monday in San Francisco and there was a kid from Seattle that lived in San Francisco, and he would come up to Seattle and visit his parents and come to the club and talk to me all the time. Very nice kid. I do not remember what his name is. We lost contact, like in 2000. At this time, I was not at the store. I was about to move to LA to shoot a pilot and we were stuck. So I'm not going to sit in the room with this broad, I called him and he goes, come on, I'll pick you up. And he picked me up. Or I followed him And I went to a club on a Monday night. They wouldn't let me out at Cobbs. The guy was snotty and the guy was a prick to him. So we went somewhere else. And that was great. It was like a diner on Haight Ashbury. People in there, you got 10 or 12 minutes. That was great. But then Tuesday, it was like those clubs up there. Roasted Tea, Feathers. There was another big club up there at the time that closed down. I forgot what the name was. And there's another club that's still up there that was still open. Plus John Fox had a lot of clubs at that time. So I pretty much did two spots tonight till Sunday morning.

[Lee Syatt]

Perfect.

[Joey Diaz]

But Saturday I went into a club, Tommy Tees.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, okay. Yeah, I've heard that.

[Joey Diaz]

I went into Tommy T's at that time. Tommy T's was bringing heat up there. It was a different booker. I don't know what was going on. And I was supposed to feature for the black girl from Sinai Live, who was pretty funny at the time. Don't ask me her name. I remember I moved to LA and everybody said, you're not going to be anything until six months, so go on the road. But whoops, Mitchie called, you know, Scott Day, and next thing you know, I'm on the stage on a Sunday night. I got a call back, and that Sunday I got made. And I'll never forget going outside and going, bro, I got Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday at Tommy T's. And like all four of the people out there go, cancel it. And I go, why? And they're like, you just got made.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You go home tonight and you call in for seven spots this week. And from there on for the next six months, you call in seven nights a week, coast to coast, until you build that bond with her and she gets to see you.

[Lee Syatt]

Right. That's why you moved to la.

[Joey Diaz]

It wasn't when I moved to la. I moved to LA to do a pilot and I. What? Comedy Store. Comedy Store was not my future. It wasn't even on my radar.

[Lee Syatt]

I thought it was okay.

[Joey Diaz]

No, no. It was something that I had. I never worked for it. I'm not gonna lie to you. I just went to la. I just went to LA to shoot a pilot and I was going to give it a shot. And if everything failed, I was going to do things, stupid things, and I thank God, till today, none of that stuff Went down. But when I got to la, I got the opportunity to showcase. She made me a regular. And I'll never forget, it was a Sunday night, it was on my birthday. Me walking outside, it was like, Eddie Griffin, Paul Mooney, Rogan and somebody else. And I'm like, I gotta do this room. They're like, you headline. You making big money. I'm like, no. They're like, then cancel that motherfucker tomorrow. You're gonna sit tight. That's what I did. And once she started giving me five, six spots a week, and then I took a bombing, like three bombings in a row and one somewhere else, I was like, that's it. I'm going back on the road. Because I got LA and iced.

[Lee Syatt]

Really?

[Joey Diaz]

I started getting cute.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, okay.

[Joey Diaz]

I said it. Let's go back to the nitty gritty. Let's go to Michigan, let's go to Florida, let's go to Texas, not Houston. Let's go to the rough towns, you know what I'm saying? Where guys ride cowboys and ride horses and for a living. That's what I did.

[Lee Syatt]

I. And I, I would love to do. Because we were driving around, like Salt Lake City and we went to Idaho. Like, it'd be really cool to do, like at some point. Like not. Not like a weeks long, but like maybe five, six days. Like just do a run and drive like five, six hours a day. Like do a tour in that area of the country.

[Joey Diaz]

When I wrote the book, I was making notes and I'll never forget hearing this story and always wanting to do it in comedy. And I never got to do it. And I wish that I didn't get into the Comedy Store at that time because this was my next move. And it would have worked late. And a lot of comics have tried it, but every comic who did it tried to monetize it. And you don't do this to monetize. You do this to monetize it later. And what my plan was for me to come to you, not at this point in my life, but if you meet a comedian that you really like, somebody you frickin frack with, and let's say there's a female comic who's just buck wild, you don't want to sleep. You just know that at some point she's just going to get off this car, out of this car, and you're never going to see her again for about a year and she's going to come back funny. You know, you just have to go out there with that outlook, rent yourself A little van. This is the biggest investment you can make. And go on an eight week. Eight week, eight week coast to coast. Now you can't do it in the summer, but you can because the clubs are dead and they'll let you come in, right? So you got to go to a city where there's two different comedy clubs. So you could do a spot and who's ever driving does a spot.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, you each do separate shows, like book the same clubs, the same book it.

[Joey Diaz]

Nobody's gonna hire you. What you're gonna do is you're gonna schedule a showcase run. It all comes out of your pocket. The only way you monetize is on the days off when you do crappy one nighters for the local promoters, right?

[Lee Syatt]

But you're going to the club to.

[Joey Diaz]

Show people, don't get me wrong, you got to go to a state, see who the bookers are. These little rooms that you like, right, that nobody knows who you are and they got like a fountain of chocolate in the front, you know, the club is 64, 95 for two and they give you a banquet, there's tons of those still left. And you pay for those. This finance with this money that you make on two one niners. You know that John Yoder still books Michigan. So Michigan would be in your, in your thing because he don't mind booking you in a D room and a fucking where they, you know, they have boats. What do you call those? Like a boating club.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

When I was young I did like two of those, three of those boating clubs for triple one. I remember had like, it was the winter time and they had like a two thing and the thing was twisted with ice under it and I'm on stage for like eight people and they all got scarves on. You know, this is, this is what it is, right? My dream basically was to go on the road with somebody I liked. There was a story when I got to Seattle and Mitch Hepburn got in a Volkswagen van with Chart Hogan and they drove across the country and just did showcases. And when they came back, they came back with 20 weeks at all the best clubs in the country. And that's how they started their career. And they had a good time. They did acid, they fucking, you know, and they just went nuts. Comics heard of the idea and started getting sponsors and trying to do it that way. You know, it was comics that don't draw trying to go into a club and Mac them and that'll work at those little clubs. You're not going to go into the Atlanta Punchline with four bums on a Wednesday night. Expect to get on.

[Lee Syatt]

Right.

[Joey Diaz]

You know what I'm saying? It's just not realistic. But. And then do it one time. Get your names out, give away cards, what. Have your YouTube channel. And now you replenish that YouTube channel. This is way before YouTube. I wasn't even thinking about YouTube. I know I would do it now if I was 25. No responsibilities like getting high, love comedy and trying to figure out a direction. Well, nobody books me. Well, nobody's gonna book you if you hear and send out tapes. These guys get a million tapes a week. Sorry. So you got to work outside the box. What's the next big thing? Show up. That's what the devil would do, right?

[Lee Syatt]

The reason I like that I was gonna go with like a small RV was because, like, you know, the club might say in two weeks.

[Joey Diaz]

That's too much of an investment. And you, you don't want to do that. You want to keep it low budget. So you always remember when you got that flat in that van 20 minutes before that gig, I want you to remember how there wasn't a hotel room. There was just one hotel room and both of you had a sleep in it, which is the plan. You're only sleeping in the hotel room for the night. Unless one of you brings a girl or one of users, Richard Gear or fucking the strip club guy. You know, you don't. You go in there to do comedy, right? And you just make it work. You're not going to go on the road like Keith Richardson, Mick Jagger. That's too much. You want to keep the investment low, be able to eat better. Did the Motel 6 kill you two weeks ago? No, it didn't.

[Lee Syatt]

I didn't even get in the hotel.

[Joey Diaz]

No, it didn't. Right now you're not a man in that position to drop 400 a night because that's what these hotels are.

[Lee Syatt]

Tell me about it.

[Joey Diaz]

Dude, that budgeting has to be tight. You got to get a vehicle that's economical, it can't break down. You got to get a warranty on it.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, dude, you're my, my, my. That's the only thing that's up is like, I have to have a car for another two years. Well, they really don't need.

[Joey Diaz]

Well, then take that and blow it up and let it get stolen in Pittsburgh somewhere. They put it on to my head, you know what the to tell you.

[Lee Syatt]

I wish they. They wanted 12 grand to take it back early.

[Joey Diaz]

So, like, they're killing people now. Killing people Killing them, man. You got a car, you got a stronghold on it. And good luck trying to get a new car because the finance alone will set you back.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, dude.

[Joey Diaz]

Craziest thing that got it slowed down and used car prices went down a little bit and hopefully your uncle Tony's dying and he'll leave you his 1985 Volkswagen.

[Lee Syatt]

Hopefully he's dying?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. You know, this is the only way you're gonna get a car now. Now when you die, you gotta leave cars to people because how they gonna get them? I'm gonna start buying 1500 cars. So when I die, that's what everybody's getting. A fifteen hundred dollar car. It'll get you to and fro. Does the air conditioner work? Who knows? Improvise.

[Lee Syatt]

Where are you gonna put all these cars?

[Joey Diaz]

Get a fan and an ice cube. I don't know what you need to do. When I go into the grandpa sling, that means the show is coming to an end, you know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syatt]

I knew it was coming, but like it just went right. Like when you listen, it went right into the microphone. It was like you shot it directly.

[Joey Diaz]

No, I went back and it actually bounced off the top of the counter. Some of it came into my nose, but it splattered and went into the microphone. I gotta wipe the screen off later. It got dark all of a sudden, you know what I'm saying? I gotta start eating that. Stop eating that bubble gum.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, Jesus Christ. I can't imagine. I love you, buddy.

[Joey Diaz]

Don't forget Wednesday night. I'm at the dojo with my man Paul V. And a lot of other funny characters. Aaron Berg and Danny Braff and Victor Doorman. And then Thursday tickets go [e-mail] It's a small place, guys. It's a Tuesday night. Don't lose your mind. I'll have you out of there by 10:00. You'll be home napping noodle or talking to your girl about your feelings by midnight and. Or 11:30. You'll be in bed by midnight if you work. Right. So that's what I got going on right now. And I got other dates coming in the area. I got a nice show coming the day after Christmas, you know. Right. Locally in central New Jersey. You could show up, we could exchange Christmas gifts, whatever the fuck you want to do. And I got another one like the first or second week in beautiful Jersey City. So I'll keep you tip top Magoo informed. We're trying to get started. Plus we got Two locations for offices, which I'm very excited about. It's starting to work out. It was going to take a while, but sometimes you wait, you wait, you wait. And like, I gotta move. Last week, my friend's got a spot, but he shares it with a theater group. And, you know, it's family. I don't want to disrespect fam. I go in and I blow the joint up. It's not good for business. So, you know, I was looking at a couple other things. My friends, the HUD house in Edgewater. I was looking to do one there, but again, interact with their business. And we got the word got out, and two of my friends from high school got back to me. One is a location, and I'm not going to devour, but, oh, my God, do I have a history there? And the other one is a friend's private thing that he rents out as an apartment. Private entrance, shower. It's like the back cave. Nobody even knows we're going in there. When we bring guests, we gotta blindfold them. Like, they go into Pablo Escobar's house now. So everything.

[Lee Syatt]

I'm gonna get blindfolded for the first couple of weeks.

[Joey Diaz]

I got a blindfold. You just. Security reasons and around. I can put you in the back room just in case you get stuck in Idaho again. You come, but you don't get out. We just bury into the walls. And it's an old building, so they. They won't even smell you.

[Lee Syatt]

I've been on a thousand flights. Never had that happen. It wasn't even that windy, but it was. It was kind of crazy coming down, but I got stuck. We like, it came on. And no, they didn't tell us until right as it was happening. Like, hey, we've been circling. They're sending us to Cincinnati to get more fuel.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, that. That. Why. Why am I going to Cincinnati? I do with my flight. Listen, throw half the tank out and speed it up. Like, give us the move with Tom Cruise. And the D.A. was chasing him.

[Lee Syatt]

Is it Tom Cruise? I don't know.

[Joey Diaz]

When he played the helicopter drug smuggler and the da. So what he did was to slow down the plane. He knew they had a big plane, right? A small plane. They were going to waste more gas than he was. They had a following for like eight hours. Finally tapped out on the gas and let him go, and he landed.

[Lee Syatt]

Perfect.

[Joey Diaz]

Okay, story is, you know, the edibles working? Everything's working. The malukia pills, the. The edibles were tremendous, man. And I ate some of the home team edibles. And they were just tremendous. The diet smoke.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, they're great.

[Joey Diaz]

I ate the. The big bag. The fireworks. Not even the whole bag. And I'm rocking and rolling. Guys. It's hemp. I just want to listen. I ate them before, and I know I'm gonna. I'm gonna sleep like a baby. I know I'm gonna end up eating something. A spare rib. I'm gonna end up eating something tonight that's not good for me, but I.

[Lee Syatt]

Had a good spare room.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, right. From fresh steady Freddy. Next time you just two plates and.

[Lee Syatt]

A thing of dumplings.

[Joey Diaz]

Steve, I am not short. Edibles are good. Lee. My word. I have not been there since you.

[Lee Syatt]

Wow.

[Joey Diaz]

It's got to be eight months, because I. Lee, I'm trying to go in one direction, and you go in there and you got to start all over again.

[Lee Syatt]

Right?

[Joey Diaz]

This destroys your system. We got the dumplings, which are world class, amazing. And when they get vegetable dumplings, like a half a fag. Is that what I'm doing now?

[Lee Syatt]

No, you don't get vegetable.

[Joey Diaz]

I'd rather cut my finger off and give it to the other government. We're going with dumplings. Okay.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And then we got. We got the soup, which is world class. You get the egg drop, and you throw a little hot mustard in that.

[Lee Syatt]

Mix up mustard.

[Joey Diaz]

You.

[Lee Syatt]

Tommy.

[Joey Diaz]

Then hopefully he steams it, and you put an ice cube in there to cool it down. And then you throw the noodles in there and it all mixes together. Absorbs. I don't. I like the noodle half crunchy, but half soggy to get that texture. And then we get. Now, if anybody's going to take him for Chinese food, it's gonna be the king. All righty. You're gonna end up eating turkey savoyaki if we're gonna go Chinese food. Listen, when you walk in there, you're halfway dead anyway. You might as well go full blast and make sure your heart doctor's doing the right job. You know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, my gosh.

[Joey Diaz]

Right?

[Lee Syatt]

You might as well.

[Joey Diaz]

You get the pork fried rice with the nice extra egg Utah Freddy. Extra egg.

[Lee Syatt]

I've never asked for that before.

[Joey Diaz]

Extra egg. Dope it up. How much for the egg? Give me six eggs. Six extra omelet. Give me. You want protein, you're eating this fried. Get the onions, the green onions. Put extra green onion in a real texture. You put the long sprouts in. Would Uncle Joey ever speak to you about sprouts? I know.

[Lee Syatt]

No.

[Joey Diaz]

Coming over Here. Tying me up in a chair and smacking me with a glove. Let me tell you something. Pork fried rice with the sprouts will make. When it crunches, when you bite the little piece of pork or cat and you the sprout and you just jump. You feel your little go. That's the sprout. You just threw it off this Bahama Mama. And then while you're eating the pork fried rice. Why are you gonna get an entree for?

[Lee Syatt]

No.

[Joey Diaz]

Right?

[Lee Syatt]

Not an animal. Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

We get ordered dumplings and.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Beg you to finish.

[Lee Syatt]

Yes.

[Joey Diaz]

Because the dumplings are so big. You know, they're great.

[Lee Syatt]

And because he makes the dough.

[Joey Diaz]

And have we ever got any big order of ribs? Never.

[Lee Syatt]

No, Always a small one.

[Joey Diaz]

Two a piece.

[Lee Syatt]

But then at some point when you come into the city, when you were telling that story about the fried rice, all I could think about was La Carry Dodd fried rice. Because that was amazing.

[Joey Diaz]

That's amazing.

[Lee Syatt]

It's a different kind of thing. But like, I've never had a pork chop like that before with the garlic sauce on top. I want to go there so bad.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't like my pork chop that thick. You're gonna say you're Joey. Come on.

[Lee Syatt]

I don't know how.

[Joey Diaz]

I like a little thinner and a little more fried.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

Those instead of one fat one. When you bite into, it's kind of crunchy. It's like the Puerto Ricans make the best pork chop. Talk about health here. And now we're telling people about Puerto Rican pork chops. Where's this podcast going? They're gonna shut us down. The MCC. We ain't spreading bad information. We're telling 2 fat. Telling you the truth. We try to start the podcast off talking about Jumping Jackson, but you know where you think that's why we're gonna get in trouble?

[Lee Syatt]

Not because you said part time little person at the beginning of this year.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't even know. I don't even. You think I remember what I said in the beginning of the podcast? I still had the cannabis juice going through my body. Now something else kicked in and mixed with the water and the hydrodes.

[Lee Syatt]

I hate when that happens.

[Joey Diaz]

Sorry about having the podcast late to you this week.

[Lee Syatt]

It was my bad.

[Joey Diaz]

Guys. Apologizes. Everybody's straight here. Have a great week. What was that car Total, you know, Happy New Year. Yeah, we're belated, you know, and all that stuff. Guys, we're sorry. We'll be Tip Top Magoo Tuesday morning next week. But don't even worry about it. The World could end by then. Just worry about today. It's a beautiful Wednesday. And that's so uplifting. What? It's the truth. I don't want you to leave the house thinking you're coming back home. I want you to.

[Lee Syatt]

Why?

[Joey Diaz]

Because I want you to be the entrance, to be the exit, to be more meaningful. You hug the cat, you water the. You know. Instead. You won't look at the plant and go, fuck it. Tomorrow. No, your water. In case we get nuked. You'll hug the cat. You'll leave an extra little can of cat food. You'll vacuum the house. You'll put that dirty underwear away in case your age bubblegum and it's on your underwear. You don't want them to walk in your house and go, we nuke this place. But the underwear with the bubblegum lived. You said you always gotta be fucking.

[Lee Syatt]

I didn't think about it on the underwear because you can't get bubblegum off of underwear, can you?

[Joey Diaz]

What?

[Lee Syatt]

Can you get bubble gum off of underwear?

[Joey Diaz]

No, you just. You throw in the handful. Your wife's surprised. I blame on the cat. It was a hairball. I picked it up with the underwear because I was gonna step on it, you know, strawberries, I don't know. Because it was. He ate stripe. I don't know. What are you asking me for? You think I'd give the cat gum? What kind of animal do you think I am? I love you. Have a great week, everybody. And now for a word from our tremendous sponsors. Stay black. Greetings from Podcastville. The check in podcast is brought to you by Liquid iv. Listen, it's flu season. You need to keep your body in tip top magoo shape. Liquid IV has you covered with their new hydration multiplier plus immune support. Listen, a lot of words, but this stuff works. It contains five times the daily value of vitamin C, which you need. Each serving of Liquid IV has three times the electrolytes of the leading sports drink. To keep you hydrated, just mix up a packet with 816 ounces of water, shake it up and drink it. Me, I love Liquid iv, guys. I drink it pre workout. I take it to Jiu Jitsu. You know me, I'm old and original. I like the cherry. I like that they got the peach. The no sugar peach. Tremendous. Now the time to skimp is not the time to skimp on the hydration, all right? It's getting cold out. And that hydrate dehydrates, you believe it or not. Check out all the awesome flavors and even their Sugar free options. I told you. Tremendous Support everyday wellness with Liquid IV. Get 20% off. Listen, 20% off your first order Liquid IV@liquid IV.com and press and code JOEY at checkout. That's 20% off your first order when you shop. Better hydration today using promo code joey@liquid IV.com. i want to thank Liquid IV for supporting the show. It's tremendous. Listen, I also want to talk to you about Diet Smoke. Let's cut it out. I ate half a bag of these things tonight. Tremendous. You understand me? I don't even know what flavor I ate. But they had a couple different flavors in there. A couple blues, a couple yellows, a couple reds. I mixed them up. I think it was the 125 milligram THC with the other stuff, the hemp. I'm gonna sleep like a baby. I enjoyed it. But anyway, summer's over. It's time to kick back and relax with Diet Smoke. That cannabis infused gummies are gonna blow your mind like they did mine tonight. Diet Smoke has a ton of different types of gummies that can help you focus and get stuff done. They help you sleep and help boost your mood. They make you feel good without knocking you out. These ain't one Uncle Joey's you know, Tom Segura killers. Now here's where it gets wild. Diet Smoke is given in check in Fans, the family. 50% off your entire order plus a free pack of gummies. I'm telling you tonight. Let me tell you what I went with. Oh, I'll tell you after the show. Whatever. I'll tell you during the show. And that's not good enough. Diet Smoke has a two day delivery nationwide and a lifetime guarantee. So what do you have to lose? Not a thing. Here's what you got to do. Head over to dietsmoke.com right now. Let's cut it out. Press and code Joey. J O e y. The 50 off your entire order. That's right. 50 off your entire order plus that bonus pack of gummies. You heard that right. Get half off your [e-mail] with code JOEY. Get on it, you crazy sick savages. You're going to love it. Let's get this party started. It's a beautiful Wednesday morning.