Joey Diaz is still buck wild

Summary

Summary of "Joey Diaz is Still Buck Wild" - The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament

Release Date: December 17, 2024
Hosts: Joey Coco Diaz and Lee Syatt
Description: Joey Diaz (comedian, actor, and New York Times Bestselling author) and Lee Syatt engage in candid conversations about life, comedy, and everything in between, sprinkled with humor and personal anecdotes.

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1. Opening Remarks and Personal Updates ([00:00] - [03:14])

The episode kicks off with Joey Diaz exuberantly greeting his listeners and promoting Liquid IV, emphasizing the importance of staying hydrated during the holiday season. Joey then introduces Lee Syatt, highlighting recent events and setting a lively tone for the episode.

Notable Quote:

"Stay hydrated through the holidays with Liquid IV. Get 20% off your first order when you go to liquidiv.com again." – [00:00]

2. Mushrooms and Drug Experiences ([03:12] - [05:18])

Joey and his guest, George, delve into their experiences with psychedelic mushrooms. Joey recounts a particularly wild night where he consumed a significant amount of mushrooms, leading to uncontrollable urges and humorous mishaps.

Notable Quotes:

"I leave there with zero." – Joey Diaz on his mushroom experience ([03:27])

"I go home and giggle by myself. It was tremendous." – Joey Diaz reflecting on his altered state ([04:35])

3. Rant on Drones in New Jersey ([07:00] - [15:00])

The conversation shifts to Joey's frustrations with drones flying over New Jersey. He expresses his disdain for the increasing presence of drones, mixing humor with conspiracy-laden remarks about Martians and local figures like Tommy DeVito.

Notable Quotes:

"They didn't put you on this planet just to give up. If Uncle Joey could do it, I can rule the world." – Joey Diaz ([00:00])

"I don't give a fuck about the outside shit. 2025 is gonna be a good year for us." – Joey Diaz dismissing concerns about drones ([36:35])

4. Commentary on Modern Society and Culture ([15:00] - [25:00])

Joey critiques contemporary societal trends, particularly focusing on the superficiality he perceives in modern fashion and behavior. He contrasts this with the authenticity he values, using examples from his personal life and observations of others.

Notable Quotes:

"Everybody wants to have an image. Everybody's gotta got purple fucking hair." – Joey Diaz on societal expectations ([25:00])

"Snoop Dogg put a picture of Marvin Gaye up the COVID of one of the albums. We're living in a society where it's like what I used to tell you." – Joey Diaz discussing cultural shifts ([22:54])

5. Personal Anecdotes: Friendship and Past Experiences ([35:00] - [82:35])

A significant portion of the episode is dedicated to Joey reminiscing about his long-standing friendship with George Kalladinsky. They share stories from their youth, including adventures, mishaps, and the challenges they faced together. Joey speaks candidly about his struggles with faith, the impact of his mother's death, and his journey through the comedy scene. Their bond is portrayed as unbreakable, with numerous humorous and heartfelt moments.

Notable Quotes:

"I have brothers. Your uncle, him, Jimmy lubes. I got brothers." – Joey Diaz on brotherhood and friendship ([54:36])

"We breathe, me and George bleed for each other. I don't even want to be if something happens to him." – Joey Diaz expressing the depth of his friendship ([53:27])

"The Guardian Angels are back. Time to put your Bose speakers back in the window." – Joey and George recalling their early comedy attempts ([80:04])

6. Reflections and Closing Thoughts ([82:35] - [89:25])

As the episode nears its end, Joey reflects on his comedic journey, the evolution of his relationships, and his relentless pursuit of humor despite personal hardships. He emphasizes the importance of memories and laughter, hinting at future plans to return to stand-up comedy with renewed vigor.

Notable Quotes:

"The truth is I don't look good in the suit... I'm here to have some fun. Whether it's a podcast or to stand up." – Joey Diaz on his comedic philosophy ([26:19])

"We are. He knows he's coming next. I'm gonna fucking kill you." – Joey Diaz highlighting the intensity of his collaborations ([82:22])

7. Advertisements and Responsible Messaging

Throughout the episode, Joey intersperses promotions for Liquid IV, Mint Mobile, DraftKings, and Aura Frames. These segments maintain the podcast's lively atmosphere while providing listeners with exclusive discount codes.

Notable Ad Quotes:

"Get 20% off your first order of Liquid IV when you go to liquidiv.com again. Use code JOEY at checkout." – Joey Diaz promoting Liquid IV ([00:00], [89:10])

"DraftKings sportsbook. Use code JOEY for $1.50 in bonus bets when you bet $5." – Joey Diaz advertising DraftKings ([35:27])

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Conclusion

"Joey Diaz is Still Buck Wild" is a vibrant episode that blends humor, personal storytelling, and candid rants. Joey Diaz's dynamic with Lee Syatt and anecdotes about his friendship with George Kalladinsky offer listeners an authentic glimpse into his life, marked by resilience, camaraderie, and an unyielding passion for comedy. Despite dives into controversial topics and irreverent humor, the episode underscores the value of lasting friendships and the joy of shared memories.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps:

• "Stay hydrated through the holidays with Liquid IV." – Joey Diaz ([00:00])
• "I leave there with zero." – Joey Diaz ([03:27])
• "They didn't put you on this planet just to give up." – Joey Diaz ([00:00])
• "I don't give a fuck about the outside shit." – Joey Diaz ([36:35])
• "Everybody's gotta got purple fucking hair." – Joey Diaz ([25:00])
• "I have brothers. Your uncle, him, Jimmy lubes. I got brothers." – Joey Diaz ([54:36])
• "We breathe, me and George bleed for each other." – Joey Diaz ([53:27])
• "The Guardian Angels are back." – Joey Diaz ([80:04])
• "I'm here to have some fun." – Joey Diaz ([26:19])

This comprehensive summary captures the essence of the episode, highlighting Joey Diaz's storytelling prowess, his candid insights, and the entertaining dynamics between the hosts and guests.

Transcript

[Joey Diaz]

What's happening, you bad motherfuckers. Uncle Joey here with the Church of what's happening now? New Testament. It's December 17th, San Lazaro's birthday, up in Cuba. Let's get this party started, Jack. It's a beautiful day to be Alive. It's Tuesday, the 17th of December. The Church New Testament is brought to you by Liquid iv. Listen, the holidays are always a marathon, right? It's easy to forget the basics, like staying hydrated. I don't know who does, but keep Liquid IV on hand to get you through the holiday parties. You know what I'm saying? Liquid IV has three times, not two, three times the electrolytes of the leading sports drink. Plus eight vitamins and nutrients to keep you going Bangin. Listen. It replaces nutrients lost by dehydration. And has 100% of your daily value of vitamin B, B3, B5. Listen, all the Bs, B12. They got enough B in there to forget about it. It's available on a ton of delicious flavors. And now sugar free. Let me explain something to you. That peach sugar free has always been one of my favorites, okay? If you like Liquid iv, the flavor, now they got a raspberry something. Oh, my God. Stop the presses. And it's easy to use. Just mix one stick of liquid IV with 16 ounces of nice cold water. Shake that thing up or be that day. Stay hydrated through the holidays with Liquid IV. Get 20% off your first order of Liquid IV. When you go to LiquidIV.com again, LiquidIV.com, use code JOEY at checkout J O E Y. A lot of people, you know, that's 20% off your first order when you shop. Better hydration today with Code Joey. J O e [e-mail] Please support the show and get 20% off your next order. Turn off your TVs, run for your lives. It's over. They didn't put you on this planet just to give up. If Uncle Joey could do it, I can rule the world. That's what you gotta be thinking.

[Lee]

Welcome back to church.

[Joey Diaz]

What's up, you savages? Uncle Joe here, My little friend Lee, he's got his feet up. He's waiting for somebody to bring him a Danish. Not tonight. You know what I'm saying?

[George]

I'd love a Danish and a hot chocolate.

[Joey Diaz]

Anyway, was a great week I got out there. If you came to the stress factory, you saw Uncle Joey fucking throwing it down last week. I had a great time. Thank you very much for coming this week. We Got nothing. We got the open mic down at Uncle Vinny's tonight, and that's it. Then there's the holiday season. Get a life, cocksuckers. No comedy go on YouTube. I make a comeback on the 26th. But what's up with you? Where were you last week?

[George]

I was every. I had my first.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, that's right. I saw you Friday night.

[George]

Yes, you did. I had my first ever little mini road trip to tour. It was awesome. It was really cool. I was in Red Bank, Wilmington, Delaware. I was in Newark. And then eastern Pennsylvania.

[Joey Diaz]

Doug. I showed up with an ounce of shrooms. I left there with zero.

[George]

No, you had stuff left.

[Joey Diaz]

2 grams.

[George]

You were just eating it like it was nothing.

[Joey Diaz]

Who?

[George]

You. I mean, I ate it, too.

[Joey Diaz]

You? Josh Wolf ate a piece of mushroom that was at least 8 inches long.

[George]

Oh, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

It looked like the thing in the Kentucky Fried Movie when the guys. I don't know if you've ever seen Kentucky Fried Movie. You guys are too young. It don't matter.

[George]

It looked like a dick.

[Joey Diaz]

It looked like a fucking dick with a tremendous mushroom on top. I don't even know how I drove home that night. I was, like, fucking pissing. Whenever I eat mushrooms, I got the. I gotta pee every eight minutes.

[George]

Yeah, you too.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, my God.

[George]

I pee non stop.

[Joey Diaz]

I got home, I was peeing all over my pants, my shirt. I just gave up. I just gave up. Listen, I got out of the car so many times, I gotta take the seatbelt off and then make sure nobody's looking. And I jump out and the dick is ready to explode. And, you know, I had the bottom of my sweatshirt. I had to go home, throw the sweatshirt, The T shirt, 62 years old, listening to shit. But, man, I couldn't stop fucking. It was a pissaholic. But then I went home and giggled by myself.

[George]

Really?

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, it was tremendous. I didn't see anything. You know?

[George]

Now here's what I didn't know, because someone gave me, like a. Like a relaxation pill.

[Joey Diaz]

A relaxation pill?

[George]

Yeah. And I. It turned it off. I didn't realize that those turn mushrooms, like, off, off.

[Joey Diaz]

What kind of relaxation pill?

[George]

Allegedly. Maybe a Xanax.

[Joey Diaz]

Okay.

[George]

A small one, like a tiny one. But I've never. I don't take those.

[Joey Diaz]

So it should.

[George]

So I had one. And then like an hour and a half, two hours later, I wasn't. I was still a little dog.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, I ain't gonna take one of those, but when I'm doing my mushrooms, I don't want it to stop.

[George]

I didn't, but I didn't mean to.

[Joey Diaz]

That's the problem with them. I keep eating them to see if I get back to that level. Nah, you're at that level. Relax. Put them away for the night and enjoy the devil.

[George]

I heard that's what mushrooms. You have to, like. If I take a gram tonight to get the same amount, I have to take two tomorrow night. Yeah, yeah, but you're taking eight a night.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, but not.

[George]

So there's not enough.

[Joey Diaz]

I didn't do them since Friday night, okay? And then before Friday, I was doing those little stick men. Not even. Because I didn't have no mushrooms. The fucking. The mule showed up on Friday with some fucking tremendous. I am set for the fuck. Listen. For a week, Santa Claus. And then my wife put lights outside the house, White lights.

[George]

That's fantastic.

[Joey Diaz]

I went outside. No, they're fantastic. No, they're not. Not when you eat on mushrooms.

[George]

You don't think they're fantastic.

[Joey Diaz]

Well, at first, I thought the police were out there. I didn't know. I'm like, what? I didn't know would I cut somebody off? And then I looked up and it was beautiful. But then I went outside. You know, my eyes got all big. Like, I did one of those. One of those shots that people do that their eyes get.

[George]

Oh, Jesus Christ. What are those called?

[Joey Diaz]

Botox or something like that.

[George]

They're not Botox, but I know what you're talking about when you're getting, like, your eye test done.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, my God, my eyes were huge.

[George]

Oh, my God, I love that. Like, one time I was like, I love. I don't. I don't drive on mushrooms, but I love being in a car when I'm on mushrooms at night with the. And especially because they have big windshields now, and you just drive and you just stare like people. You think you were giggling at me because I just kept staring at my cup while Josh was on stage, you.

[Joey Diaz]

Know, pour his soda. He would take the soda and go. And then he would put it down and he look at it like a glass of wine. And I'm sitting there watching this. I'm like, what's going on with this fucking guy?

[George]

You know exactly what's going on.

[Joey Diaz]

I realized the mushrooms are there, and you were looking at it like. You know, when these fucking white people go get a glass of wine and an idiot comes around and gives that little. And the guy looks at it. Oh, my God. It's bold. Just fucking. Just fucking drink the thing, okay? Those people annoy the fuck out of me.

[George]

You never do that with any wine.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, if you do that at my table, you're getting thrown out of the table. I don't want no creepy people with a fucking thing coming over and making believe like we know what we're doing.

[George]

What about the guy? He has that little cup on his neck that he walks around.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, I don't want that guy. People spitting in there.

[George]

You know what?

[Joey Diaz]

You gotta pay me to have a tub. That people. And what is that? Oh, because they cleanse their palate with their listen.

[George]

Yeah, they don't wanna get fucked up.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, so next time you see a guy say, swallow my load, spit it out. So when I come back tonight, swallow. See, I still got it. Cucksuckers. Anyway, the fucking big topic, you know, listen, I don't give a fuck, is the drones over New Jersey.

[George]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Right by my fucking house. And I'll tell you what, I haven't looked up in the sky one time. I don't give a fuck. I have drones in my head. You know what I'm saying? Fucking. I walk around with drones. I do mushrooms, edibles, reefer, all day. What I'm gonna look up like a fuck. My mother told me, don't look up because somebody always stab you. Don't look up. It's got nothing to do with you.

[George]

What would you have done if you had like, if this was like coke days and you saw drones flying?

[Joey Diaz]

I'm fucking dumped that fucking coke in the toilet for an hour and then got out there and thrown a bunch of rocks at that motherfucker.

[George]

And then they, I think they arrested some guy. I don't know if it was in Jersey or not, but they like, Walmart is delivering with drones now. And this dude, I think maybe it was Florida, didn't like, like this older dude and he fucking shot it.

[Joey Diaz]

You can't fuck with old people with a drone dog.

[George]

What would you do if you ordered something and a drone delivered it to your house?

[Joey Diaz]

I would shit my pants. Especially if I didn't know a drone was gonna fucking deliver it. Send me anything. A black chick with a one leg, I'll take anything. I'll crawl up the fucking stair. Little midget without a shoulder. I'll take anything without a shoulder and a leg. But don't no, let the midget have a leg. And he just balance.

[George]

Oh, thank you.

[Joey Diaz]

You'll never see a one leg midget that they put a fucking fake leg on him right off the bat. Because they got no balance with that big head. Right? That big Head tumbles. It's all over but the shot. It's like the p. It's like that Roman building. What is that?

[George]

Oh, the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, it's always leaning.

[George]

Oh, I feel like I have the midget head. My head's huge. I can't.

[Joey Diaz]

Anyway, let's talk about the drones. I don't want to insult you, all right?

[George]

No, no. There's only 15 years of that recorded. You don't want to insult me.

[Joey Diaz]

Finally. It's like the episode of Zombo when he was on the Munsons. Yeah. Herman Munson drank the potion. He looked like Zombo. And there was three little kids in this house, and he went up to one little kid, he goes, oh, what do you think? And the kid looks at him, goes, my parents told me never to say bad things to people. That's what I just felt like right now.

[George]

I appreciate it. So you want to talk about the drones?

[Joey Diaz]

Huh?

[George]

You want to talk about the drones?

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, there's nothing to talk about. I mean, people every. Have you. This the shit that baffles me, okay? Every night I'm a fucking idiot. I believe something else. They're going to tell me, something I want to know. No. People are concerned all over New Jersey, you know, they're planning. No, they're not. They're concerned that the Giants are gonna win. People give a fuck about the Giants more than the drones in Jersey. Tommy Pancakes. What's his name? Tommy DeVito. Tommy Pizza. Poor Kick. They almost killed him yesterday.

[George]

I think I just chicken.

[Joey Diaz]

Let them go home. Poor Italians. Like they want Tommy DeVito. How you doing? Good morning. Listen, it's not gonna happen. They almost took his head off. Did you see him? They asked him, where do you live? Not my mother's basement. He didn't know where the. He was. Come on. You know, they don't care. Jersey people walking around, like, Sunday. And that's what I would have done. I would have landed one of those drones in Giant Stadium where all those momos are there, and watch them run out of there with that poor Tommy Pizza. Whatever they. They call them. Oh, my God, I need this in my life now.

[George]

That must suck, being the hometown kid and having it not go well.

[Joey Diaz]

He was a bartender. It's like, you know, it's like he was. It was like, whatever. He was a bartender and they called him to. And everybody from Jersey got all excited. He's been bartending. They're gonna kill him.

[George]

They're gonna kill him for just sucking.

[Joey Diaz]

No, because he's not big. He's not.

[George]

Oh, they're gonna okay the other team. I think, like, the fans were gonna.

[Joey Diaz]

He's Italian. He's got a heart, but.

[George]

Right.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't know if you saw the NFL lately.

[George]

Yeah. You need more than hard against. Six o'clock.

[Joey Diaz]

Six. I watched a game the other day. It was like nine of a thousand black people, they were flying through the air. It looked like the wizard of Oz. I don't know who the fuck they were playing. I don't know who. Oh, was it no. Miami. Houston Texans. They were flying through the air. I was like, look at that formation and shit. And every time that fucking tour, the concussion kid said, hike. It was night of a thousand brothers coming from everywhere. Jungles, ships, Africa. They were just flying over. Reminded me when the Bills played Pittsburgh in, like, 1993.

[George]

What happened?

[Joey Diaz]

Fucking Machine Gun Kelly was the quarterback. And Pittsburgh Steelers, they have, like, the lowest. What do you call that? The lowest amount of pay. The lowest payroll salary.

[George]

Oh, yeah, payroll every year.

[Joey Diaz]

They're cheaper than fuck, so they pull these fucking brothers that just do not give a fuck. They pull them out of the halfway house. They don't give a fuck. And you look at the stat. That night, Kelly couldn't even. That's the night he got cancer. Doesn't he have cancer now? That's the night in his mouth. They did everything to him. This is before fucking roughing the passer every time he'd go hike. There were three brothers right here. He couldn't even straighten up. With little capes on. Yeah.

[George]

Boom.

[Joey Diaz]

They would knock him out. They were all, like, brothers of super flyer Jesus.

[George]

Didn't they used to smoke on the sidelines? Who? Just any player. I feel like I've seen video of, like, NFL players, like, smoking cigarettes, basketball.

[Joey Diaz]

I heard that people smoke on the sideline.

[George]

That was crazy back then.

[Joey Diaz]

But what are we talking about?

[George]

About the drones?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. I don't know. I don't know what the fuck to tell you anymore. My man Nick McIntosh said that as soon as the drone goes up in the air, within 30 minutes, the cops are at your house.

[George]

Oh, dude, I was watching a video.

[Joey Diaz]

If it's illegal. So now you got a fucking drone the size of a truck going around. And Rogan didn't help Matt as much by fucking putting my thing out again. When I talked about Hudson county having fucking the number one amount of Martians, everybody was calling me. Fucking all these creepy fucking. What do you call those people? Tinfoil people?

[George]

Yeah, they were.

[Joey Diaz]

They were emailing me like do an interview? Not really. Not really. I don't give a fuck about Martians. They've been here for years.

[George]

Really? Don't you wouldn't care if they were real or.

[Joey Diaz]

We deal with a Martian every fucking day.

[George]

You think so?

[Joey Diaz]

I can't wait to go to the doctor's office. One of you motherfuckers and that Indian that everybody makes fun of rips off his mask and he's got little fucking ears and he's a little fucking Martian. That all these Jewish doctors, they could be Martians. You ever notice how they're all Jewish, the doctors?

[George]

Well, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Don't look at me all creepy.

[Lee]

No, no.

[George]

First of all, you're not supposed to. I don't think you're supposed to be.

[Joey Diaz]

Israel, a land of Martians. Look at them.

[George]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Aren't they beating up on Syria now?

[George]

Didn't I think the President's gone in Syria now. Didn't they just like throw overthrown a country? Maybe. I don't think Israel did like the people. That's what they said. But I don't trust who's taking over.

[Joey Diaz]

Bad, bad boys. The Jews are going in there and going, it's us. That's it. This is how we start.

[George]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

We're taking everything. Land. We're like Fidel Castro. 59 gold chains. Everything is going. And we'll give you. If you want to go, we'll give you a way out. But you ain't taking your shoe with you. No, that's Fidel Castro. Where? That farm. The car. That's all mine. Kiss it on the way out.

[George]

Are the Castro still in charge in Cuba?

[Joey Diaz]

What? I think the.

[George]

I know.

[Joey Diaz]

Fidel's gone like one of his neph. I don't know, Lee, I thought you. It's 6:30 at night. I smoked 22 bongits today, you know. Now you want 60 minutes, you know what I'm saying?

[George]

What do you mean? You started. You brought it up. I'm. I'm trying to have a conversation. What time would you know about Castro?

[Joey Diaz]

I don't know who's running Cuba. I know they gotta get Alexander Graham Bell down there cause they keep running out of electricity. The fucking electricity thing is 100 years old. The board, they're about to go black any fucking day now.

[George]

That would suck, but I.

[Joey Diaz]

Why would it suck? Fuck em. They're commie bastards. They should deserve no lie.

[George]

Everyone on the. You have family there?

[Joey Diaz]

Fuck em. That's what you get for being a communist cocksucker. By the way, I gotta call My uncle tonight, he's 85.

[George]

How old is he? 85, good for him.

[Joey Diaz]

Still opens up his bar on Fridays and Saturdays for you youngsters. 85s. He doesn't box anymore. He hits him with Mace now.

[George]

He hits who with Mace?

[Joey Diaz]

The people. Like, if they give him a hard time, he just shoots you in the face with Mace.

[George]

See, I feel like if you had Mace, it wouldn't. Like, you wouldn't shoot it immediately.

[Joey Diaz]

I would love to shoot somebody with Mace. Out the car.

[George]

Out of the car.

[Joey Diaz]

You don't do it to their face like you're getting raped. No. You in the car, some little old lady's walking around with some fucking. A doggy, taking her time crossing the street. You could just spray it into the.

[George]

I thought you were gonna wait at least till someone, like, pissed you off. Just someone's taking too long to cross the street.

[Joey Diaz]

Why do it to somebody pissed at. They're expecting you to get it back. Now you do it to some poor pedestrian, a guy on a bike.

[George]

Oh, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Some guy with bicycle with nice shoes and black socks. You know how much I hate black socks with sneakers, right? So, yeah, these new kids, they didn't get the thing. If you cut yourself, if the sock is blue, then it'll bleed into you and you die of fucking ink poisoning.

[George]

Geez. So who else can we. I don't know if any of that's true.

[Joey Diaz]

That's not like a diplomatic dude on a skateboard. And he's kind of cocky. You know those motherfuckers, like, they. They try to play with the. You hit him with a shot of fucking that, right? You hit that motherfucker with some Mace in the eyeball, it's all over.

[George]

What about. What about, like, the guy flying. The drones, can we get him?

[Joey Diaz]

Him? I hit him with some fucking. The. At Levy's when we were kids, they used to sell what you take out of the skunk.

[George]

Oh, shit.

[Lee]

Really?

[Joey Diaz]

The juice in little bottles. And you could, like, put it on leaves to eliminate your odor when you go hunting. Okay, fuck that. I would just throw the whole fucking bottle at you. That thing breaks quicker than shit. That ounce of fucking $65, it was back then. It was worth the laugh.

[George]

It was 65. Back when.

[Joey Diaz]

I think. I think 82, 83.

[George]

So that's like hundreds of dollars now, probably.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. They descent. They descent the skunk. That's the word I was looking for.

[George]

And you would spray that on people?

[Joey Diaz]

Not. You don't spray. You hit them with the bottle and.

[George]

Go to the whole Bottle on them. Holy.

[Joey Diaz]

It's just a little white bottle, okay? And it breaks. Right now, it's probably plastic. You know, everybody wants to save the ocean, but back then, this is a fucking bottle. You know what I'm saying? Do you recycle all the time?

[George]

I don't. People. People get so fucking obsessed with it. I just throw shit away.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, my God. I'm the biggest recycler.

[George]

I thought so.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm Johnny, Ecology Club. My wife recycles, you know, I mean, at the end of the day, you know, it's right, right? There's people like that building Flower, you know, listen, go suck a dick. You know, when you're concerned with, like, oh, well, the forest in New Jersey. Listen, just knock it down. Do something with the fucking cups. It makes people happy. Look, when we left la, we couldn't fucking use a straw, right? Coke people didn't know what the fuck to do no more. All the straws are made out of paper. Why Was the reason? Because they get stuck in the dolphin's fucking thing and he can't breathe. Listen, I love animals, right? But I like straws better, you know, Fuck them. You want to drink a milkshake without a straw, be my fucking guest. An egg cream without a straw. A nice black cream soda from the Jewish place. Yeah, you need a straw, they want to give you paper straws and bends. So what happened to us at that.

[George]

Pizza Happens all the time.

[Joey Diaz]

The night that you said you like your crust crispy.

[George]

I do like my crust crisp.

[Joey Diaz]

That's the night that I was like, what the fuck are these people talking about?

[George]

Yeah, it's fucking crazy. I Especially with like, a milkshake that would piss me off.

[Joey Diaz]

Can you imagine? I can't use a straw because the dolphin.

[George]

Fuck dolphins.

[Joey Diaz]

And look what happened. They tested the ocean. They're all coked the fuck out.

[George]

Really?

[Joey Diaz]

Every summer, those sharks are fucking going crazy. For the last 20 years. Why? Because of the coke in the water. Now that you know. And now people, like, don't throw plastics in there. They used to eat those pens. How many fucking pens? With those big pens, you took the thing out, you did a line of coke and you put it back. And then a week later, your grandmother's like, why? I. I licked the thing and my tongue got numb. Listen, I don't know what to tell you, Graham. And I know that happened to you, George. Somebody would lick the fucking thing off. Those pens were the best coke thing in the world. You can make believe. You're insurance salesman. Pop it out and do a line anywhere, really.

[George]

You use big pen covers.

[Joey Diaz]

The King of Cocaine, they were cousins with Pablo.

[George]

Do you think they did it on purpose, Lee?

[Joey Diaz]

I don't fucking know.

[George]

Well, no.

[Joey Diaz]

Get the fucking little fag that drew the happy heart.

[George]

What happy heart?

[Joey Diaz]

The fucking happy heart that all you happy people text their people. Hahaha. The little happy fag face, right? That thing was invented in like 1950. Some guy was doodling, he sent it in for a patent and the rest in the 70s that shit was on everything buttons, right? Your sunglasses. Everybody was happy, right? Everybody was happy.

[George]

I don't see you being like a hippie. Like did you ever dress like a hippie at all?

[Joey Diaz]

Not in a million fucking years. But listen, this is what the problem with America is like today. Snoop Dogg put a picture of Marvin Gaye up the COVID of one of the albums. He's fucking just a G, you know, Put that same cover up today. The guy's got a fucking Charles Bronson hat, he's got a cigarette, he's got an earring, a fucking Christmas tree and his fucking tattoos. You know, we live in a society where it's like what I used to tell you when I left la. If I could pick the director when I walk on the set. It's not gonna be good, right? Not gonna be good. What's that director look like? The rolled up sleeve with the. Cause God forbid they don't show that fucking tattoo. The hat with the feather, The Chinese assistant, you know, I see you coming, right? You know what I'm saying? Remember my ex brother in law, the Kings? They could out ski anybody. These motherfuckers showed up on the hill with jeans and now you see these people with light protectors and a helmet and you're terrible, you can't even fucking ski. My brother in laws would get off, get out of a truck and go into fucking ski things and win first place. Why? Everybody else had padding and you know, the protectors. And that's the problem you have now, right, that you know, everybody wants to have an image. Everybody's gotta got purple fucking hair. And when I was growing up, you go, look at that fucking jerk off. Now people like, oh, how cool. No, he's not fucking cool. This is how he gets you to make believe that he's better than you, right? Or whatever. Oh my God, I wish I could be that cool. He ain't dick, he ain't dick. That dude, Marvin Gaye was fucking cool.

[George]

What did he do that was so cool? Like why do you like him?

[Joey Diaz]

I know.

[George]

I know who Marvin Gaye is.

[Joey Diaz]

Cool. A bunch of black people fucked because of Marvin Gaye. That one album with Sexual Healing.

[George]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

That was a different type of brother. That dude would have had a hard time today.

[George]

What would have happened to Marvin Gaye?

[Joey Diaz]

He was just. He got shot by his fucking father.

[George]

Oh, shit, I forgot about Gaye.

[Joey Diaz]

That's where that expression comes from. When Tony Soprano got shot, everybody kept saying, he got Marvin Gaye. That's why his father or his stepfather, somebody shot him. But there's a fucking YouTube tape of Marvin Gaye fucked up in his basement with a band. He's laying on the couch like this up from the night before. They're playing and he's singing. That's how bad that was.

[George]

And he was singing. Well, it was like unbelievably well.

[Joey Diaz]

Unbelievably well.

[George]

Jesus Christ.

[Joey Diaz]

Unbelievable. That was so black. He said, you white. He went to Germany. He went to Germany.

[George]

I didn't know black people went to Germany.

[Joey Diaz]

He went to Germany with a big bag of coke and wrote like two fucking albums. He locked himself in Luxembourg, whatever the fuck, okay? You know, everybody else is jumping up and down in Motown. He said, fuck you motherfuckers. I'm taking my cocaine dick to fucking. To fucking Germany.

[George]

Holy shit. And like, what did he dress like? Did he dress just like normal?

[Joey Diaz]

Like a smooth black motherfucker that, you know, Superfly Shaft? When those guys walked in the room, they were black. You knew it. You're like, that's a cool.

[George]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

It's like when Steve McQueen walked in the room. That dude. Was it when James Coburn walked in the room. Say what you want to say. When John Gotti walked in the room that came in your house with a two thousand dollar suit on and shoes shined fifteen times. Look at your head, you know what I'm saying? Them motherfuckers were buffed to the max.

[George]

I would love to get my head buffed.

[Joey Diaz]

Certain people that you look at and you're like, God damn. Elvis Presley in 68 with that black suit on. Nothing beats that. Maybe, maybe Jim Morrison at the Hollywood bowl with the leather pants on in 1969 with some snake on him or something like that. He had like some snake belt or something.

[George]

Really? And you never. Because like you could.

[Joey Diaz]

What can I do that would be cool?

[George]

I don't know. Cool.

[Joey Diaz]

Shave my ears or whatever. The. Get a tattoo on my face of.

[George]

A cross Shave your.

[Joey Diaz]

What can I do? Dress up like, you know, you wouldn't.

[George]

Wear like a two Thousand dollar suit for what?

[Joey Diaz]

I'm a piece of. You can't put a silk hat on a pig. And I don't say it like that. Listen, the truth is I don't look good in the suit.

[George]

Really?

[Joey Diaz]

I don't feel good. I don't feel comfortable.

[George]

Yeah, they do suck.

[Joey Diaz]

I just don't feel comfortable in a suit. Why would I? What difference does it make if I walked into your restaurant with a $2,000 suit? Run. Who am I kidding? And a BMW outside. I double park it so everybody sees it.

[George]

Do you ever have. Do you have like anything you'd wear a suit for now, or are you.

[Joey Diaz]

Just dumb with suits when you die?

[George]

Thank you, I appreciate that.

[Joey Diaz]

I would never do something like that. I mean, no, I would hope you.

[George]

Wear a suit if I died now.

[Joey Diaz]

Something really special, you know?

[George]

Right.

[Joey Diaz]

But to wear a suit to be fucking cool, right? I don't know. I bought my last suit. I bought at Kohl's.

[George]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

For the premiere of the Sopranos.

[George]

That's hysteric. You bought it at Kohl's?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah.

[George]

I didn't even know Kohl's sold suit.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, what do you want me to do? You want me to go buy an Armani? What? What? What? What would an Armani suit, I mean, I look a lot better, right? But inside I wouldn't feel that much better. I'd still feel like the guy that robbed the jewelry store. Well, you don't. You know what I'm saying? Like, and that's the truth, right?

[George]

Because it's like you lived in L. A and you spent a lot of time in your. Like, you walk. I walk around New York and I just see people like men who look cool. Like, they know I wear jeans.

[Joey Diaz]

And the only cool looking white man today is the dude who's married to Spice.

[George]

Spice.

[Joey Diaz]

He had a fair. That motherfucker had 2,000 affairs. The little guy, the soccer player.

[George]

Oh, yeah, Beckham. Yeah. David Beckham.

[Joey Diaz]

David Beckham. That's the coolest looking white man in the world right now. I saw him in person. I almost sucked his dick. That's how cool. When you see him in person, you're like, God damn. Out in the street in Broadway talking to people. What up? What's up? I got out of the car and I'm like, what's up, dog? He's like, hey, how you doing?

[George]

Holy shit.

[Joey Diaz]

I never even went to that stadium in la. Yeah. And I go, last time I saw you was at the stadium. He's like, oh, yeah. And then we Start going, when are we gonna do the podcast, Rogan? Let's go down there right now. He was. He wanted to go right now.

[George]

Holy shit.

[Joey Diaz]

Or Joe right now I want to go down and do this podcast. He goes, the only way I'll do it is with you and Joe. I don't want to go in there by myself because Joe gets too smart. I want to go in there with just you. He was that cool. But when you see him on the. On 74th and Broadway on the corner, you're like, God damn, that dude is smooth.

[George]

Oh, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

There's just some people and then there's other people that dress up like a fucking idiot. That I know who they are. Like, I don't know who they are, but they gotta be somebody dressed up like a fucking idiot, you know? Or the big beard, you know why, right? You're Dominican. Why do you have the beard down to here that look like Alibaba? Why? Your parents came over like my parents on a boat, a stick.

[George]

You have very weird rules about beards. Like every time I let my beard. Because I know who has a beard.

[Joey Diaz]

For real and who has a beard for show. There's two different things. When I see Hamas, they got a beard because they're bad motherfuckers. When they heard it, okay? They flew on little petals and kidnapped Jews. You want a beard, you earned it, okay? You follow what I'm saying to you? But if you're just going to have a beard to confuse people because you look like, look at yourself in the mirror. Type up what a terrorist look like. And if you got that beard with that stupid fucking look on your face, right? You gotta go to yourself, what's wrong with me? It's like when somebody goes to jail and they get tatted up, let them get tatted up. It's this new generation that wants to get tatted up to their finger. I saw a chick with a black sleeve. Why would a beautiful woman do that? Oh, she wants to send her artistry. No, because she's an idiot. Because God forbid somebody don't stop. That is so. You know, and they take that home. We have friends on Facebook that write blogs. They're in no business to write blogs. And no business at three hours. You gotta check it. You ain't got that type of time right? Go do what you gotta do, which is fucking stand up. You just wrote a ten hour thing. You could have wrote fucking five jokes. And what do they write it? Look at the final result. So people say how brave they are. It's not because they wanted to write it, right? It's because God forbid, I. You know, before I left L. A, I was at the park during the pandemic, like everybody was. And there was family there and we were talking to them until this fucking day. She works in New York full time, big money, big money. Her family is in D.C. he's from D.C. they won't move here. And you ask yourself why?

[George]

There's no need.

[Joey Diaz]

Shut the fuck up. How is there no need?

[George]

Cause they might have a better life.

[Joey Diaz]

In D.C. no, no, no, no. You're not fucking following me, okay? What I'm trying to say to you is they're based out of New York, but they. They live in la. I asked myself, why didn't they live leave? Because that whole fucking thing would disappear. That whole little. Oh, my God, you're so brilliant. I've never seen a bunch of people that called LA should be land of the brilliant, right? Everybody's brilliant. Everybody's a genius. Oh, that's a beautiful one. He's a genius. Listen, if they were genius, they'd be in Coober, figuring out the fucking light bulb down there, the situation, okay? That's a genius. You know what I'm saying? That's a genius. Not some fucking idiot like me. You know, Joey's a genius. No, Joey's not a fucking genius. He goes on stage and he tells dirty jokes. He learned how to do comedy on a fucking corner in North Bergen, right, by ashways. You had to be the. You know, I came from a hometown that you just didn't throw a joke out. Do you follow? I'm saying, like, I grew up with guys that if you threw a joke out, that motherfucker better hit. Because if it don't hit, everybody's gonna look at you and then you're gonna lose the right to talk again for about a year, okay? That's the society I grew up in. Not these idiots that could just say, oh, my God, he's genius. Not even that. You're a fucking moron. And say that again, I'll hit you right in the head with a stick. You know what I'm saying? Like, anyway, sorry, people. I got emotional about these fucking idiots.

[George]

No, I mean, LA is the home of it. Like, they're the home of it.

[Joey Diaz]

And now we have pieces of it here. Don't even think that we're fucking beyond. We got pieces of it here. But the fucking. What are they called? The hipsters? No, the hipsters, they're gone. The real wives of New Jersey.

[George]

Oh, Jesus.

[Joey Diaz]

A bunch of chubby chicks. You know the real wives in New Jersey? What? Nobody else got wives?

[George]

Let's go to anywhere.

[Joey Diaz]

Everybody's a wife in Utah. No, the real wives of New Jersey. And they walk around like Sinatra. You think that? Sinatra in New Jersey?

[George]

I hate those shows. All they do is yell and they have them. And I hate that. I know this. But they do have them in Utah. They have that show in every fucking city.

[Joey Diaz]

Big dummy. Utah is where Mormons are. I know.

[George]

They have seven wives and they have that show. They have Real Housewives of Salt.

[Joey Diaz]

I deal with people. What do you mean? What do you mean? We'll take a quick break and talk to you people. Got about a few ads here, right? We'll be right back. Hey, Uncle Joey again. Here. Listen. We all love a great deal. Who doesn't? And Mint Mobile has a great deal when it comes to cell service. Get amazing wireless service for just. You ready for this? 15 bucks a month with the purchase of a three month plan. It's that easy. No hoops to jump through and no bs. All Mint Mobile plans come with high speed data and unlimited talk and text. All delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. Listen, you know me, dog. Mint mobile is tremendous. Plus 15amonth for three months. 45 bangers. Where you gonna get that? You can text all over the world in case you see more satellites. And I don't know. Listen, it can't be more easier to make the switch. All right. Get the new customer offer and your three month premium wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month. Again, go to mintmobile.com Diaz D I A Z. That's mintmobile.com Diaz Cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at mintmobile.com Diaz45 up front. They ain't playing games. You know what I'm saying? And it's required for 15amonth. 3 times 15 is 45. Last I checked. New customers first. 3 month plan only. That's it. Speed slower than 40gb on unlimited plans and additional taxes. Fee and restrictions apply. Cement Mobile for details. Merry Christmas. We're back, bitches. I was telling Lee after his surgery.

[George]

I hope I don't need one.

[Joey Diaz]

Can't walk around with no fucking eye patch.

[George]

What if they made me?

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, Jews don't wear eye patch. I want you to walk out with that eye like fucking staring at people like that.

[George]

He's gonna do great on stage. Open wound or an eye patch. I don't know which one is worse.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, when you do comedy, you walk out There and go, I have my eye on you like the teacher.

[George]

Jesus Christ.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. Jews don't wear eye patches.

[George]

I. I think some of them do.

[Joey Diaz]

No, they don't. Look at the log. Look at the heavy duty Jews. They never wear eye patch. Yeah. If you went to Auschwitz, you got problems. You wear two eye patches, you know?

[George]

No, I don't think they gave it up.

[Joey Diaz]

They give. Oh, shoots. Anyway, sorry about that, guys. Anyway, it's a new year, man.

[George]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Let's cut this like Christmas, but on next Thursday, you. We got five days left before all breaks loose in 2025, so I hope you are ready. Doug, think about that. All shit's gonna break loose. You have to. You have to assume right now.

[George]

What do you think? See, I don't.

[Joey Diaz]

I think that these fucking drones are gonna land and they're gonna come out and give people flowers. I don't fucking know, you know? Yeah, he's gonna get inaugurated on the 20th. Who knows what's gonna happen after that? But as far as I'm like, I don't give a fuck about the outside shit. 2025 is gonna be a good year for us. We got comedy shows. We got fucking Philadelphia. We got Nikki Ashkelis, we got Nick McIntosh, we got the birthday boy who won't eat another second piece of mushroom on his birthday.

[George]

Well, because you've been saying you do anyway, and you're not really a negative dude, and I don't think necessarily you're being negative, but you've been saying for a while now, like, that you think shit's about to pop off. And I think. I think we're right on the edge. I definitely think we're right on the edge. But there are.

[Joey Diaz]

Something's gotta give, guys, before eggs go down. Before the price of eggs go down, something's gotta give.

[George]

I'm not really sure what you mean by the eggs anyway.

[Joey Diaz]

Everybody's thinking about, like, you know, hopefully prices are low.

[George]

Oh, well. Well, that would be good then. If.

[Joey Diaz]

I mean, dog, I was gonna fly my Cuban friend in, okay, to cook for my wife on her birthday. I might as well buy a fucking plane. Because Miami's always like, you can't get a ticket to Miami right now. No, no. Once the 23rd, comes the 20th. I don't know what it is about Miami. And after the 26th, forget it.

[George]

Well, I bet it's even sooner.

[Joey Diaz]

Go look right now. American Airlines, December 26th to Miami, coming back on the 1st. Would you do me that favor? Watch the fucking price.

[George]

But especially from here, I remember that.

[Joey Diaz]

One year I did Miami late.

[George]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

My fucking ticket was twelve hundred dollars.

[George]

Jesus.

[Joey Diaz]

And I kept saying what it is, and. Because everybody goes to Miami for New Year's.

[George]

Mm. And it's. It's crazy here, too, like, flying to New York. And New York. New York has been busy. Like, I was out yesterday. It was fucking packed out.

[Joey Diaz]

Come on. That's not bad.

[George]

That's not bad.

[Joey Diaz]

And you sit in the back of the plane, though, with 11 criminals and people with COVID Yeah. You don't even get water for 1150. They just put you back there like. Nah, you don't even count 1150 PA.

[George]

Have you noticed, like, they have, like. They have, like, boarding zones up to, like, 10 now?

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, yeah. I'm done. Listen, enough. You know what? I don't care if they have 20 fucking boarding zones. You're not gonna see pop on any of those planes.

[George]

No.

[Joey Diaz]

First of all, what they do to you is. I looked at tickets. I always. You know, listen, guys, I'm a nerd. I get stoned that night, and I look at. Like. I'd love to go back to LA for a couple days. I was on Take Mercy to see a concert. The same ticket I paid 1,200 for tripled. And I couldn't even get a flight out of Newark. It was sold the fuck out. JetBlue mint from JFK to LAX is the best. You get your own little window. You close the door, you scratch your nuts. You fucking do edibles, you watch movies, you do work, they give you a fucking blanket. Used to be $900. 999. Maybe 1150 tops for first class mint.

[George]

Right.

[Joey Diaz]

And remember, I don't know if you've been on fucking. The row behind that. JetBlue has, like, three or four rows that are just as good as first class.

[George]

They used to. I heard JetBlue kind of sucks now.

[Joey Diaz]

It fell through a little bit. I haven't. Listen, I haven't been on JetBlue since before the pandemic.

[George]

Like, Spirit bought them is what someone.

[Joey Diaz]

Told me, but everything fell down.

[George]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

How many fucking flights you get at Newark and all of a sudden there's no WI fi? What? I gotta go to fucking Australia. How the fuck is there no WI fi? You know, I gotta go to Australia. Here. I paid $92,000 and you're gonna drop this no Wi Fi on me now? Go fuck yourself. This can't happen. This can't happen.

[Lee]

This can't happen.

[George]

I never would have thought you'd be upset about WI fi.

[Joey Diaz]

It doesn't fucking matter. But I'm thinking about the business guy. I'm thinking about that lawyer that finally has to get on the plane and go, I got 14 hours to Auckland, Australia, to do this shit. And now these fucking United people are telling me that there's no fucking Internet or they ran out or the food didn't. How many planes did I get on last year? Maybe 10. Two of those flights where we're sorry, if you're hungry, go fuck yourself. We got nothing for you. Not even a cracker. You might as well chew on that napkin, you know what I'm saying? Like, they're out of control. That's not fair, guys. That, that. Just listen. At that point, you're just getting abused and you're taking it. And when you call United to complain, you're number 2000 on the slot. It's gonna. They'll call you back in 20 hours. 20 hours to get the complaint. And by that time, you forgot what the fucking complaint was. So they know what they're doing. They know exactly what the fuck they're doing.

[George]

Speaking of which, you called someone this week and didn't trust like that I'll call you back thing. Do you remember that? When you were on the phone speakerphone, and it's like, hey, if you want to hold your place in line, put your number in and we'll call you back. And you stayed on hold for like, 40 minutes because you didn't trust.

[Joey Diaz]

No, I don't want them to call me back. I finally got on this fucking line. I just got these motherfuckers on the line and I'm gonna hold them fucking to it. You ever get on those lines and all of a sudden the fucking thing goes down. Like, all of a sudden it goes, call back, goodbye. You're like, bitch, I just lost 35 fucking minutes. If I was 21, I wouldn't be so mad. But 20 minutes to me at my age, that's fucking big. That's a big chunk of fucking life right now. I don't plan to live 100. You see these poor battles. It's his birthday today. He's 100. Listen, shoot me now for 15 years. I gotta have a diaper. People pet me and shit. I got three hairs. Just shoot me the fuck now. I don't wanna live to be Joe. Dea is the oldest American. Get the fuck outta here. He doesn't piss. He doesn't have a dick no more. He's so old, his toenails stopped growing. The fungus gave up. There's no Fun in that. There's no fun in being like, my uncle's 85 and he acts like he's 60. He bitched to me, you know, he'll bitch on the fucking phone to me every time I call him, but you know, he still walks five miles a day, he still punches the bag for a half hour every fucking day. And he works on Fridays and Saturdays. He's the first guy they'll tell you, the first time you sit on that couch for a week, you die after 65. He goes, if you sit on that couch for one week, you'll fucking die. And he's right. That's why I'm buck wild now. Still eating mushrooms, fucking looking at dirty pictures, the whole thing. I'm wilder than ever.

[George]

I don't think those are on the same level. I think plenty of 65 year olds look at dirty pictures. I don't think a lot of when you're not 65 yet, but Jesus Christ.

[Joey Diaz]

I never looked at dirty pictures before.

[George]

What are you talking about you never looked at dirty pictures?

[Joey Diaz]

I don't listen, I don't even. I have one Playboy in my house and it's the one with Hollywood Henderson.

[George]

Let's pull out your history. I don't believe. What do you mean you never looked at dirty pictures? You never looked at porn before?

[Joey Diaz]

No, I made porn. What are you looking at? When you. You know, the crazy thing is when I was doing drugs, like after I stopped doing drugs, that whole sex life for me disappeared. I wasn't a fucking. I didn't like fucking sober. I'm not gonna carry my girlfriend in with roses. And I love you. Get the fuck out of here. I like to be fucked up and coked up and put coke on that pussy and all rules are understood. You know what I'm saying?

[George]

Right?

[Joey Diaz]

If I got a little bubbly, you put that in their snatch and eat that pussy with the fucking champagne or whatever you got. Tic Tac, whatever the fuck. You got those explosives?

[George]

Pop Rocks.

[Joey Diaz]

Pop Rocks. Oh my God. Women love when you put Pop Rocks in that pussy. They go fucking bananas. But you're not going to meet a girl in a bar and go, listen, let's go back to my house and put some Pop Rocks in your pussy. You're too sober, they'll look at you, they'll call 911. You gotta get em nice and soft, a couple lines of coke, they get all crazy and shit. And then you go, listen, I'm gonna make your pussy blow up. Really? Yeah. And you put those Pop Rocks on it, they go, fuck, it's like the fourth of July dream.

[George]

Holy. Because I remember you telling me to do that with Pop rocks in the 80s.

[Joey Diaz]

I would show up with pop Rocks. Capon. I used to have fun. I used to have fun doing coke with broads and eating ass and wait, you know, doing.

[George]

Are you telling me on coke you put pop Rocks on their. But without coke, you. You're too embarrassed to look at porn.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, without coke, I'm worthless. I still love eating pussy. I'm married 25 fucking years. I still love eating that dirty pussy. But you know, I lost my thought there for a second. But I'm an old man. Pussy. What? Anyway.

[George]

You said without coke you don't really go crazy.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't go crazy. I don't pull hair. You know, when you do coke, you could choke them to death. They like all that shit, call them nasty names and shit, you know, that's what doing coke. And women who did coke, they know that's part of it. They know that's first off, a woman does coke and she wants to have sex, she better know that her muscles are gonna work in her mouth because you get dead dick. You know, while you're talking about in the third grade, my father stuck a few, you know, all of a sudden your dick dies and they gotta start from scratch again, right? You know, and then once you eat their snatch and you get a little hyped up, then, you know. Why are we talking about this? I don't know, it's the holiday season.

[George]

You know what I'm saying?

[Joey Diaz]

Why are we talking?

[George]

I was just thinking this one and.

[Joey Diaz]

A woman's poor monkey, a week before Christmas. We should be talking about, you know.

[George]

What do you want to talk about?

[Joey Diaz]

You know, like blind kids marching at the tree. I don't know.

[George]

I don't think they go to see the tree. Oh my God.

[Joey Diaz]

Well, people have no idea. Is that for me to come back to comedy and fucking do what I do with the podcast? I'm going all out, guys. No more this. Fuck, I could care less. I'm too old. I had no rules when I was 30. Why would you think you're gonna put rules on me when I'm 60? Fucking 1, 62, whatever the fuck I am, you know, it's over. I'm here to have some fun. Whether it's a podcast, to stand up. We're gonna say shit. People gonna say shit. That's part of being what we are. And what, I gotta stop saying shit Cuz people's feelings or whatever it does. It's not even about feelings. It's about raising your hand and going, oh, I didn't like that joke. Go fuck yourself. I don't like pickles in my tuna. You know, I'm saying I don't like a lot of fucking things. I don't like a lot of fucking things. Anyway, we're gonna take a little breather here. We're gonna talk to you about some Christmas stuff and some Christianity. No, we're gonna take a little breather and talk to you about. I don't know. We'll be right back. Hey, guys, Uncle Joey here for DraftKings. Listen, it's the most wonderful time of the year for getting in on all the hoops, football and hockey action at DraftKings sportsbook. Listen, in the season of giving were being gifted. College football and basketball and pro football and pro basketball and even hockey for you savages. With all the games going on, it's time to place a couple bets. Listen, you got to make the games more interesting. You're sitting there with Grandma and the rest of these snooks. Come on, let's get the party started. Give Grandma a shot of tequila. Let's see what she's made of. You know what I'm saying? So go ahead and try your hand at winning back what you spent on Christmas gifts at DraftKings sportsbook. Listen, I got a tremendous offer for you. And here's a gift for all the customers. Bet $5. I'm going to throw you 150 in bonus bets if your bet wins. How Easy is that? $5 $1.50 in bonus bets if your bet wins. Who's better than you? Download the DraftKings sportsbook app right now. Right now. Right. Play games pressing code Joey. J O E Y. That's code J O E Y for new customers to get 150 in bonus bets if your bet wins when you just bet $5. That's it. Just $5. So do yourself a favor. Happy holidays from DraftKings. Download the DraftKings sportsbook app right now. Use code. What is it up there, Joey? Joey. J O E Y. And let's get the party started. All right? On delay, DraftKings and myself and the whole church New Testament wish you a very happy holidays.

[Lee]

Gambling problem.

[Joey Diaz]

Call 1-800-GAMBLER in New York.

[Lee]

Call 8778-HOPENY or text hopeny467-369 in Connecticut. Help is available for problem gambling. Call 888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org Please play.

[Joey Diaz]

Responsibly on behalf of Boothill Casino and resort in Kansas, 21 and over.

[Lee]

Age and eligibility varies by jurisdiction.

[Joey Diaz]

Void in Ontario. Bet must win to receive reward. Bonus bets expire 168 hours after issuance terms and responsible gaming resources. See DKNG Co B Ball. Uncle Joey here. Listen, when it's all said and done, it's the memories that mean the most to us. This holiday season, give the gift of letting your family relive their favorite times with an aura picture frame. Name the number one digital photo frame by Wirecutter. Listen, I don't know who these people are, but aura frames are incredible. They're easy to use. They let you upload an unlimited number of photos and videos from your phone right to your frame. You, the dog, everybody. That means if the kid did something funny at lunchtime, you could send the moments right to your grandma's aura frame before the meal is even cleaned up. Who's better than you? Nobody. My wife loves the aura frames. When they came in the mail, I'm like, who sent these things? But we put a couple pictures in there. Now we got the party started. You understand me? We got memories, Jack. So aura frames are the best way to share your memories, whether it's an embarrassing photo from high school or a nice family portrait. Listen, give the gift of memories and laughter with your family. Save on the perfect gift by visiting auraframes.com to get $35 off Aura's best selling carbon mat frames by using promo code Joey at checkout. That's Aura A R A U R A frames.com promo code Joey. This deal is exclusive to the families right here to the New Testament. So get yours in time for the holidays. Terms and conditions apply. We're back. Anyway, I want to talk to you guys real quick. I left here in 1985, and when I left, I was staying with a buddy of mine. But at the time, I had a lot of buddies. When I left in 85. And over the years, I was like, you know what? I'm really lucky. I have all these fucking little buddies from different parts. Well, I was gone for 23 fucking years. And when I came back to Jersey a couple years ago, it was fucking weird. Like, the people I had grown up with, like 45 fucking years we knew of, they just wouldn't respond to me when I'd speak to them. They giggle at me like I didn't know what I was talking about. And then it took like a year and a half. And finally I unloaded on one of them, which I love him to death, and I still love him to death, you know? And then another buddy of mine stopped talking to me, and that was the whole fucking thing. But through and through. My brother over here, George Kalladinsky, has never fucking thrown me through a wall. It's just really weird. We met in 79, the summer before my mother died. And we kept in touch, whatever. And then my mother died, and he kept in touch with a friend of ours, a mutual friend of ours. Denise. Mick.

[Lee]

Mick, right.

[Joey Diaz]

And she used to fill me in. Then I lost contact with George and. And I met him again. I was casing out places up in Bergen county one day in the fucking dead of the winter, and I see George fucking chopping grass and stuff in somebody's lawn. He gives me his number, and I think, that's the night I got arrested. After I left you, I got arrested and I had nobody else to call. I called you and you're like, come on back to my house. And I stayed with you for six months. Then I left Colorado. You came out there and you were there when I kidnapped the dude and the whole fucking deal, you know, that left you.

[Lee]

Thanks for always keeping me out of that.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm never in those stories that left you fucking traumatized. I could see it in your face. You were there. You were there when I got sentenced. And I know that broke your heart. And it's just really weird. Like, you know, I put out a book couple years ago, and people reached out to me, like, ah, yeah, it's such a rough life, your mom. And I gotta be honest with you. You, man. I learned something. Like, I was really angry at God. Like, when my mother died, I was pissed. I was like, how? What kind of a God takes a mother from a kid at 16 years old? So I lost faith, you know, I just lost faith. And it was. It was George, like, George little by little, you know? And then I kidnapped the dude and I went to fucking prison and all that bullshit. And then I think we lost contact.

[Lee]

Nah, I came back for the wedding.

[Joey Diaz]

You came back for the wedding?

[Lee]

Ronnie was late, so I had to be your best man.

[Joey Diaz]

Ronnie was too fucked up.

[Lee]

He didn't. Wasn't even in town. I think it was like a half hour before the thing.

[Joey Diaz]

He was there.

[Lee]

Oh, he was there somewhere else.

[Joey Diaz]

And the priest pulled me aside. He goes, he can't do this. He's got rings around his nose. I don't know where you met these people, you know?

[George]

Oh, so you got the call 30 minutes before George.

[Joey Diaz]

Whatever.

[Lee]

I think I was in the wedding.

[George]

I know you already invited, but.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, but I mean, I'm in the halfway. I just got out of halfway house to get married. The fucking counselor is there. Not the counselor. The guy that would follow me around. I don't know if you know. And I had a snort. Coke, like, and different. I broke down.

[Lee]

You had the one dude that you met after I left. The Tall. He might have been Cuban.

[Joey Diaz]

Yes. Julio had.

[Lee]

Had all the blow, right? Didn't he have all the blow?

[Joey Diaz]

He had a lot of shit. That guy became a professional gambler. Like 10 million fucking dollars. Now he won't return my call. You know what I'm saying? That a. But it's just so weird how I was down on religion. And I think about it till now, how God had a different view. And you're not. You're never gonna hear me say these words. But God had a different thing to teach me. He took my mother, but he showed me, like, the beauty in other people. Like, I don't know what it was. I have brothers. Your uncle, him, Jimmy lubes. I got brothers. Like, when I was down, they were there for me all those fucking years. And it showed me that, like, that I have fucking brothers. Mike. Ronnie's my fucking brother. Brother. We breathe, me and George bleed for each other. I don't even want to be if something happens to him. I can't live without him. I. I call him three times a day. You know, it's. It's always a different situation. I smoke dope before. I call him at night because, oh, he starts laughing. But we've been doing this since 1985. He would do whatever he was doing. I'd do whatever I was doing. We'd meet. We lived with his grandma. And then we'd disappear and smoke pot. And we'd come back and his grandma would say, you do. Eek, eek. She called reefer. Eek. Eek. And then I went down to the basement one day. I remember I was smoking in the morning and the fire alarm went off. The things we did to that poor woman. And we laughed. And she loved us. She loved George. Oh, my God, George.

[Lee]

She loved you. Oh, probably I thought more. More than me at times.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, my God.

[Lee]

That's the only time I didn't really like you.

[Joey Diaz]

I robbed the fucking leader of champagne, the Dom Perignon. Then we took her to fucking picolissimo. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. We used to stay up till 2, 3 with grandma.

[Lee]

And my grandmother loved him and we were pretty and she. They spoke Spanish. Oh, he broke a chop. She just.

[Joey Diaz]

You have no idea how I said.

[Lee]

It, but he could still do no wrong.

[Joey Diaz]

What happened?

[Lee]

You could do no wrong.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, my God. I robbed the lady.

[Lee]

Hey.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, my God. I go back in 93, and, you know, me and George are still at it, and George is sleeping, and I see a lady in the backyard barbecuing. And I go, you know what? This is a good time to rob that bush. I put my sneakers on, I run upstairs, I open the door, and right there's her purse with a deposit. Like in the old days, they gave you a check, money back, stick it out of the purse. I just took the whole fucking thing. I hid it in the basement because I knew fireworks were coming.

[George]

Jesus, he's sleeping.

[Lee]

I'm laying on the couch knotted out with a cigarette with an ash like that long because I parked leave. My mother and my grandmother were home.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, they were like.

[Lee]

They let the cops in there. Like, look at them. I go, I don't even think he has a pulse. You think that he went upstairs, grabbed something and came. He hasn't moved in, like 12 hours. So they left. But she freaked out, that lady. Oh, I know it was you. What the. I've been.

[Joey Diaz]

I haven't moved.

[Lee]

How long does it take for an ash? Like, they didn't even fall. I didn't write a cigarette and not even puff it. And the ass was like 4 inches.

[Joey Diaz]

So even if behind the couch.

[Lee]

Oh, my God, it was like a freaking mountain. I think that's how they built the pyramids.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, my God. We would rock at night like that. Grandma would go to bed. She like David Letterman.

[Lee]

Oh.

[Joey Diaz]

So she would leave the door halfway crack. At that time, she had, like four or five cats. And they would jump on, and she'd be in her hell, in her heaven. She had a cat stare and the whole thing. I would take a big pen, one of those cocaine pens, take the inside out and cut a bunch of papers. I'm professional spitball guy. And I would kick it behind the doorknob, like, right over there. Like you saw a little pen come through. She'd be laying there happy as a pig as shit. And all of a sudden, I started shooting the cats one by one. And after, like, the third one, the cats would start leaving.

[Lee]

And also, she was their target.

[Joey Diaz]

And grandma would go, what the fuck happened? And the cats would leave. Me, me, me, me, whatever. And then she look at the blanket and their white thing, and then she look at the ceiling she look at the ceiling right there. I lose it, right? And then she could see him throw the blanket. Coco, what happened here? Oh, my God.

[Lee]

And we had, like, this really big, like, gong, those things that you gong. And it was, like, hanging on the wall. My mother was an artist, you know, it was cool to put a gong on the wall. No one ever touched a gun. It was there for 10 years. He's living with me. My grandma would just fall asleep and he'd walk out.

[Joey Diaz]

No, let's do the story right. It was early. You would go in the bedroom first. You're going, oof, I'm tired, Graham. Okay. The whole thing. He'd lay down, but he'd be in there sweating. He'd be waiting for Grandma to go right to bed. That's all he was waiting on. And Grandma had a process, the tea, the whole fucking thing. And I could feel him in there sweating because I was next to him sweating, too. I had, like, a half an eight ball. I'm waiting for Grandma to go to fucking bed so we could start doing our little fucking thing. But at that time, Grandma would go in. She knew that we were fucking out of our minds. And she knew George was out of our minds. Dog. That door wouldn't go eat, and George's blanket would fucking fly open. And he'd run to that bathroom, getting ready to do his thing. I'd wait for him to lock the door, and then I'd tiptoe. I'd take the gong and I'd just go, boom. And it would go boom. And I would creep in bed and wait there, right? Three, two, one, one. And she would run out.

[George]

Coco, what the.

[Joey Diaz]

This is 1140. Coco, what the.

[Lee]

Where's Georgie?

[Joey Diaz]

And then she look. And then she look at me. Where's Georgie? I don't know. He's in the bathroom. And she died. Georgie, open the door. Oh, my God.

[George]

Why would you let him stay with you?

[Joey Diaz]

Ah, we had no choice.

[Lee]

He was my big brother. He was, what, 11 months older. But I. I don't know.

[George]

I was gonna say earlier, you guys, like, act like summer school. We hang out a lot like you guys are. He's. You're always at his house. You guys are like big brother, little brother. You guys, like, fight about this. Stupid.

[Joey Diaz]

Drago's father used to drive a bus, and he would give. Let me go on a bus for free. I had $8 in my pocket. I was a co founder, and I had to get to the city to sell cars. So I'd get up, like, at 6:30. I'd put the shirt on, the whole fucking thing. And I'd run up to the corner and wait for Mr. Ray Go. But there was a payphone. And I would get on the phone, 201-943-3639. And Grandma would pick it up. Hello? And I go, wow. And I'd hang up on him. This had. I let this go for a year. Like, I would call, I could be on the street, and I would go, hold on, I gotta call Greg. Wow. And then she. And I'd sit there with her at night and she'd tell George about it. George, some fucking guy called me, and I'm fucking dying. So this goes. It's getting close to Thanksgiving. And she's like, you know, George, I gotta. George said he tried to call her. And she goes. I take the phone off. So that fucking guy, he called. He called. And I go, grandma, what's he saying to you? She's like, I don't know. She goes, I don't know, poco. I don't know. I go, grandma, it's like this. Wow. And I did the voice.

[George]

Did she freak out?

[Joey Diaz]

She lost it. She lost it. Oh. I go down to Fulton Fish Market with Fishy Chris. Fish. Chris, fish. And while I'm there, I see a fucking box of fucking clams. Right?

[Lee]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't say nothing to Chris. I pick it up and put it in Chris's truck. I stole the whole fucking box or whatever. And the whole way there, I'm like, george's mom makes a mean spaghetti and fucking clam sauce. This is my gift. I'll bring fucking clams home. I'll. I'll stop and get bread. I bring it in. It's too late at night. She goes, don't worry about it. I'm gonna make you the best fucking spaghetti and clam sauce. Duck. I'm broke. I'm walking in the city all day, and all I'm thinking about is, that's fucking spaghetti and clam sauce. Now, George's mom was an artist. Like, nothing was fucking just straight. Like, she knew about raggy music before anybody. She would fucking smoke hookahs, whatever, those fucking things. She would tell me stories. And I go, what the fuck is she talking about?

[Lee]

We used to find the. The special oregano. We were like, three, four years old. What's in this container? She went, get the. Out of that.

[Joey Diaz]

All jazzed up. Ready? Spaghetti and clam sauce. His mother put curry in it. Oh, no, dog. I thought I was gonna kill her. How long did I talk to her for. I didn't talk to her.

[Lee]

Oh, forever.

[Joey Diaz]

You put curry.

[Lee]

She hears you now, huh? She's dead almost 10 years. She has. She still.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, we. We. You know, that was killer because she.

[Lee]

She wrecked it.

[Joey Diaz]

I thought you loved Carrie. What the.

[Lee]

You would think.

[Joey Diaz]

When did I come here with a Turkish hat on? It's like my bathroom curry. Oh, my God. We used to laugh a lot at night, man. His mom saved my comedy career in 1993.

[Lee]

Did you stay with us a little while? I wasn't around, but you.

[Joey Diaz]

Yes.

[Lee]

When the Trade center got bombed.

[Joey Diaz]

Yes. We were watching Bill Hicks. There's a special Bill Hicks Live or something like that. And I told her, let's watch this. And you know, like, when you watch something and you want it to be good and you're laughing, waiting for the other person to laugh, you know? And after that, she goes, listen, I gotta talk to you about something. For you to be a good comedian, you can't have that insecure little faggy fucking laugh. I. Dog, she spelled it out for me, and I was like, all right, done. I won't do that no more. And that was it.

[George]

Wait, you had a different laugh?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. At the time I got the divorce, I was a felon. I didn't know what was going on in the world. You know, I was confused, you know, I went and got my confirmation. I was 28 because I thought the Holy Ghost would calm me down. That made me snort with three hands after that. That only goes back by it.

[George]

What was your laugh like?

[Joey Diaz]

Just insecure, you know, it was like, even now, if you put on a Bill Hicks live album, he's got one in particular, and you could hear the people that brought people to see him. You know what I'm saying? So everything he would say, I go and I hit you fucking three idiots. You're like, what the fuck is he laughing about? But, you know, it's his birthday and I wanted to put him on, but I just want to say, you have no idea how lucky I am that my mother died. Because I got to see. He's my brother. I mean, dog, the DNA, you can look at it somewhere. They're gonna go, yeah, you guys are brothers, and I have, like eight guys like that. But this guy's my fucking brother. It's. There's no getting away from it. It's unbelievable how the fucking Lord works.

[Lee]

So thank you. I love you. Thank you. Oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

We used to. He. I told this motherfucker to pick me up when I was robbing a Gas station. He had no idea. He had no fucking idea. Most people would say, don't ever talk to me again. You put me in a bad mind. He fucking giggled. I gave him a couple hundred. We went into the city with your uncle. We went to the Pink.

[Lee]

The Red Parrot.

[Joey Diaz]

Red Parrot. And who was there?

[Lee]

Was Madonna there?

[Joey Diaz]

Who was there?

[Lee]

Oh, fuck out.

[Joey Diaz]

The singer from the Eurythmics with her boyfriend, the guitar player.

[Lee]

Oh, Dave. Dave, whatever.

[Joey Diaz]

And yeah, he thought he was fucking. You know, like he was eating sushi, that nobody even knew what sushi was. And that motherfucker is eating sushi.

[Lee]

Like, yeah, that was my mother's friend. She had to. She had the parrot on her shoulder.

[George]

Oh, my God, dude.

[Lee]

And the red.

[George]

And I know you introduced George to Ralphie.

[Lee]

Like, yeah, and Ralphie. Listen, the first time I met Ralphie, oh, my gosh, I was down the shore and Coco called me. He's like, you got to go up to Nyack. You got to go meet my friend. Ralphie's there. He's got something for you. So I drive back from the shore. I get there, the show's over. I walk in and Ralphie's signing for everybody. He looks up, he's like, george. I'm like, how the fuck does he even know my name? He knew me as soon as I walked in there. He said, come here. He goes, coco told me to give you this. So it was a sugar cookie. I'm like, thanks, Ralphie. You know, nice to meet you. Now, what I forgot was that he used to pick you up at our house all the time to take it to the airport, which is some, you know.

[Joey Diaz]

No, he fucking twice. His wife had family, right? And this is 1998. This is like. We met in LA.

[Lee]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

We hung out. He made tacos. And one day he. I had a pager and I. You know. And he's like, coco, I'm up here in northern New Jersey. I don't know. I'm headed to North Bergen, whatever the fuck shithole you're from. He goes, where you at? And I had to call him back and I told him George's address. George is at work. And he picked me up and I took him to Ashways. I want to go to Ashwave's. You know, he'd been hearing all these stories.

[George]

Yeah, right.

[Joey Diaz]

So he's like, I need to go to Ashwave. That motherfucker tasted that rice pudding. He went off. And after that, they would bring them like 10.

[Lee]

Gary. Gary would give me like five or six trays of rice pudding to bring a Ralph.

[George]

Holy.

[Lee]

By the third one, I would load up.

[Joey Diaz]

Hey.

[Lee]

I mean, even Ralphie couldn't eat, you.

[Joey Diaz]

Know, that much rice pudding that knew the history of North Bergen. You know, when you tell people a story, he listened. So he came here, he's playing bananas.

[Lee]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And it was the same night that the fucking plane went down the Hudson river and he took the stage of bananas. And the first words out of his mouth was, I hope veneer is down there giving out cards like, this is a guy that's from fucking Alabama, wherever the fuck he was from. But he listened all those nights. That's how he opened the fucking show. He went up there and he goes, I hope Anthony Veneri's down there giving our car a lot of dead people down there tonight.

[Lee]

He always gives shout outs to.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh my fucking.

[Lee]

But the sweetest, the sweet Ralphie was the sweetest man. I mean, I Even my mother. My mother walked up to him and just grabbed his face and said, you're so handsome, Ralphie. She's like, please lose weight. He's such a handsome. And we became great friends. I mean, every time he came to New York, we went to games, to movies. I went on little trips with him and helped him with the merch, which is a lot easier. Like just getting high with him, really. One time he wanted me to sell merch. I think it was the Gotham or something. And we parked the car and this is like when he started headlining there. Like in the beginning, he used to do the midnight show at Gotham because they. He was too dirty. And like all of a sudden it's like year after year. I don't want to use the comedian's name, Godfrey, but like, he was headlining both times. As he's coming out, you're walking in, very friendly, but you were drawing more than him at those midnight. Finally they. And. But that, that one time you're like, hey, man, I got this merch. All right, I'll selfie. Fucking edible he gives me. So like I was Lee before Lee. All right, does that make sense? Like he would fucking lie to me every time at 10 milligrams. Always 10 milligrams. So we walk in, I'm fine. I drink two beers. I'm sitting there watching the show. All of a sudden I'm like, I'm dribbling on myself. I'm like fucking retarded. He laughs.

[George]

You know, I've been there.

[Lee]

And I had that girl. What's the name of that past? I remember I was asking about her Marjorie.

[Joey Diaz]

Marjorie. Giovanni Yellow.

[Lee]

She came up, gave me a hug. She's like, are you okay? And I'm like, no. And she started selling your. Because I, I, I was the best.

[Joey Diaz]

Was. Jon Jones was fighting for the championship, and he's fighting right here in Newark. It was beautiful. I'd never even seen Newark. So I go to his house. I eat dinner with him and his wife and the girls. And George is gonna drive me. I got tickets for him. We're gonna go in.

[Lee]

He's lying already.

[Joey Diaz]

At that time, what we had banana bread.

[Lee]

No, this is what happened. I picked you up from the fucking airport. You showed me this. Auntie Dory, Auntie Dolores gave him a hunk of fucking banana bread as big as his suitcase, wrapped in tin foil, right? We pull up the. We're going to Chance. We go to Chan's. Lubes pulls up, you go like, fucking crack. This fucking banana bread. You gave me like an L. Like a fucking piece of Wonder Bread. Like, the crust, it was an L. I ate it. We don't Chance. Lubes gets the same. We eat. He goes to my grandmother's to shower and get ready, right? I went home, my wife. There was a party and fucking somewhere. Verona, right? Family party. I'm like, I can't go to the family party. I'm going to the fight with Coke. She's like, all right, well, you gotta pick us up after the fight. It's only two towns over. I'm like, sure, whatever. I take a shower. We get ready to go to a fight. As I'm driving to pick him up, I'm fucking fading. So we get on the fucking turnpike.

[Joey Diaz]

He won't shut the fuck up. On the turnpike? Yeah.

[Lee]

I think I was talking, right?

[Joey Diaz]

I'll pick it up after this. Made it to no end. This won't shut the up. And now he's. I'm like, george, get in the left lane. George, cut that dude off. Get in the left lane. And he, you know. And at first he's, okay, he's doing 65. And then it was like a. Every six minutes, he would go down. Now he's doing 55. I go, George, just get in the right hand lane. He got all the way in the right hand lane. He was doing like eight. So he drops me off. I don't know what happened. George, go get parking.

[Lee]

There was no parking. And as I drove, I told the story. I was like, I was. The steering wheel was a dragon, and I was holding on for dear life.

[George]

Oh, yeah.

[Lee]

And every parking lot was taken. Now I'm in Newark and I'm on Martin Luther King Boulevard. All right? Stone to the gill. I'm like, I'm not pulling over here. I keep going. All of a sudden I'm in East Orange. Now I'm fucking really freaking out. And I'm on the other side of 280. Decide to go home. So I. I drive a little bit and I see the arena and the lights, but it's across the highway. And I'm like, fuck it, I'm going home.

[George]

Yeah.

[Lee]

So I drove eight miles. Miles an hour in the fucking slow lane. I get that. Also, his phone had no power. He had like one bar or something. He didn't bring his charger.

[Joey Diaz]

I called my wife in California. Ari called me to go home and get the fuck out. It was a nightmare.

[Lee]

Ari calls me from the fight and said, where the fuck are you?

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, my God.

[Lee]

And I'm like, ari, just tell him I'm really fucked up. I'm on my couch. I took two showers. Now my wife is calling me. You gotta come. You gotta come pick her up in Verona. I took two showers to fucking get. I didn't ever ate that much fucking banana bread or anything. I was fucked up. I drove again. Now the Same exact direction, 15 miles an hour. I get there, I'm like, essie, I'm really high. Tell your family I'm sick. They all come out to meet me. Where's Coco? I'm like, stay away. I'm sick. They're like, well, the party's over. There's cake in there. And I'm like, oh, really? I go, just stay away from me. I'm gonna grab some cake. We're getting out of here.

[Joey Diaz]

I didn't hear from him until the next day.

[Lee]

No, two in the morning. He came with lubes. Cause you didn't have the key to get to my grandmother's. You were pissed. Oh, were you? I was like, you'll never talk to me again. And then he did. You know, he always does. He gets mad at me and oh, my God, I'm like Charlie Brown. What the fuck?

[Joey Diaz]

I started comedy in 91. So in 93, I had, like, my. Whatever. And I came back here. I was heartbroken. I was getting divorced. I was losing my child. But I fucking love comedy. I don't know what happens. I'm living with George in Cliffside with his grandmother. In those days, you know, George was in a different planet. And we would come home at night and we'd write jokes together. And I still remember our first fucking Joke that we wrote. It's the dumbest fucking thing in the world. What was? Those dudes that walked around New York City with the idiot that Gotti shot him. Oh my God. Those idiots that walked around New York.

[Lee]

Like, oh, Guardian angels.

[Joey Diaz]

Guardian angels. He used to write jokes at night and he said, the Guardian Angels are back. Time to put your Bose speakers back in the window. It was the dumbest fucking joke. And then we wrote a joke about.

[Lee]

The Puerto Rican Day parade with the Navy, something. The Puerto Rican Navy.

[Joey Diaz]

The Navy crashed into the dock at Hudson River. 400 Puerto Ricans in the ocean. That ain't nothing new. We die. I remember tried to joke on stage. Not a laugh. I'm like, what the are we doing together? He's fired. But I still remember this coming home one night. And again he has the quality of my mother. That's why I love me always. This. Don't come home empty handed at two in the morning. If he wakes you up, he's got a Daily News, all right, he's got something, a sandwich, something, a joint. He always woke you up with something. So this one night he comes in, he's like, man, it's hot in here. How you now? I'm coked up to the gills. I'm just hiding under the blanket. I'm all jerked off out. Like it's like four in the morning. I'm jerked off 80 times. I'm out of juice. I'm just waiting for fucking something to happen. And this idiot comes home. Hi, I brought you a salami sandwich or whatever. And I'll never forget, he goes, man, it's hot in here. And he goes, where's that fan? And all of a sudden there was a fan there.

[Lee]

And he picked it up, the big box, fans.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, my God. And he goes, I'll hook you up. And he puts it in the window. It's fucking three in the morning. He puts the fan on, the fan flies out. Sure enough, what the fuck happened, George? And Grandma comes out, caught us. Oh, my God, this was a fun. You know, you can't write this shit. Like I always said, if I get a show, I gotta add all those nights of how much we fucking used to laugh late night. And we would. The whole thing was for Grandma to come up and go, what the fuck happened? Every night. That's when we'd stop. And we love Grant. Oh my God, George. What a fucking time.

[Lee]

Yeah, I had two, two good women there.

[Joey Diaz]

This. All right, so he's my writing partner. He's my ace. He knows he's coming next. I'm gonna fucking kill you. I said, listen, we're partners. Come to the city with me and fucking watch my set. Give me notes.

[Lee]

You used to have. And you used to have to bring someone a lot of those.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, but I bought you dinner. Tell the story. And I also got, like, a bag of coke.

[Lee]

And you gave me money.

[Joey Diaz]

And then I gave you money. I go on stage, I come back, he's gone. I'm like, what?

[Lee]

I think. I wait. That's when we did. That was a show you did on Broadway in Harlem.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, it was 100. He's like, I'll never forget that.

[Lee]

And the dope spot was, like, eight blocks from there.

[Joey Diaz]

So he goes, yeah, I'll wait for you. He had, like, a little pen. He was like, my manager. So then I fired him. And I had a whole new manager, and his name was Darren Rager. And that's when the party fucking started. And I still remember me and him going to get coke, coming back, and we're like, who's walking on the bridge, dude?

[Lee]

I didn't remember that till just.

[Joey Diaz]

You cannot write this. You cannot write this.

[George]

Did he get hit by a car?

[Joey Diaz]

No. He would fake, so the cops wouldn't stop him. Oh, my God.

[Lee]

I get it, though. Sometimes you gotta limp to get ahead.

[Joey Diaz]

So I take Ray, go to Caroline's. This is the bad motherfuckers that we are. I take Ray, go to Caroline's. We would always stop in Harlem, get a bag of coke and then go do comedy. I wouldn't do the coke. He would sit there and fucking coach me and tell people to shut the fuck up. It was hilarious. I do my set, Eye bomb Caroline's. I get off, and he's like, I'm gonna wait till midnight. I'm gonna enter the contest. I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? This is the world I lived in back then. He's like, yeah, it's gonna be all right. I'll buy you a drink. You come to the show. I'm gonna fucking kill him. This motherfucker won first place. There were, like, 10 people there. This Rago went up there and lit that fucking room on fire. He won like a porno. You can't write this shit, guys. What a fucking hell. Fucking ride that was. Something else happened. Well, I took you to do that. I had to beg him to take him to see Rambo. He fucking hated Rambo. He fucking hated Rambo. So I took him to the black movie theater on 125th. Street?

[Lee]

No, I thought we go with on 181st.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, 181st. I'm sorry.

[Lee]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh my God. Oh my God.

[Lee]

And we had the Chinese. That's the Cuban Chinese place On what like 178 is 179th?

[Joey Diaz]

Yes, yes. And a Carvel around the corner. And the. The coke, not the cocaine, sport. The coke place was closed. But the weed spot was around the corner. And they used to have a double.

[Lee]

They had everything they had gambling.

[Joey Diaz]

They had everything.

[Lee]

They had everything in the Heights dog.

[Joey Diaz]

You used to pull your car into the parking and they'd take you to the 12th floor. The door opened up.

[Lee]

Wow.

[Joey Diaz]

It was fucking Chinese people. Chicks, prostitutes. Fucking drugs. I went there with Christy Lorenzo one night. We left there like eight in the morning. And they gave you sunglasses.

[Lee]

What was the place? It was 170 something. She was at the.

[Joey Diaz]

Right there, right? The garage. The garage, yeah. You just pulled your car and they took you upstairs. You got out of the car. Cocaine, heroin and indictment.

[Lee]

The Irish joints.

[Joey Diaz]

Indictments ready for you. Dice. Amazing. Eight in the morning.

[George]

Holy.

[Lee]

And if you want they'd let you out, you know they weren't they. But if you robbed the store, you weren't getting out of there.

[Joey Diaz]

But.

[Lee]

But if you won days, if you won, they. They made sure you. They get. You got to your car and got the hell out of there.

[Joey Diaz]

You forgot about walking across the bridge.

[Lee]

Jesus. Everybody in Cliffside was robbing their mother's jewelry and going there. They were robbing because gold in the 70s. Gold. You were getting big money.

[Joey Diaz]

Part of that Cuban crime wave. Myself they were taking that gold. Oh, that was robbing gold. Tell him.

[Lee]

They were melting it down in three minutes, no evidence.

[Joey Diaz]

And buying coke with it. Unbelievable that shit.

[Lee]

His place in Cliffside, it was silver or something they had right in the back swipe behind the counter. They had the melting thing.

[Joey Diaz]

Fucking North Bergen. I had a guy at the place was right across from Ashways. There used to be a strip club.

[Lee]

Oh, Park Lane Theater. Right, Park.

[Joey Diaz]

The Park Lane Theater. There used to be some nasty host. Nah. I mean just. Just nah. I don't even know where they picked them up. They picked them up like a Sea caucus and brought them there like fresh from the fucking. Oh.

[Lee]

And they got kicked out of the AJ's or whatever.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh my God. And next to it Naval base. You just was a chick. Chick who told me that the guy that owned the pharmacy. His son just got arrested for. Whenever you touch a six year old or whatever the fuck it is. Pedophilia he met him down in, like, 53rd Street Street. Yeah. That. His father owned that stuff there. There was a trophy shop there, but there was a dude there who sold, like, little things, trinkets. Everybody knew he was no good. A guy.

[Lee]

McCann had a store over there.

[Joey Diaz]

And I remember he's like, dog, this shit's so big, I'm out of cash. He goes, you just killed me on a Friday. Like, he was closing the six. We walked in, like, five to six. Listen, lock the door. Oh, my God, that dude. There was a place next to the donut shop, Dunkin Donuts, across from Hudson County Park. That dude was kinky, too. I brought him a couple pieces and shit. He even knew the people. He's like, man, I was thinking of robbing him myself. Oh, my God, George.

[Lee]

Good times.

[Joey Diaz]

Good times, Good times. Listen, we're done here. All right? It was a great Tuesday morning. Sorry we went over the time limit. We love you. You got, what, seven more shoplifting days left? So get out there. Oh, yeah. It. Go out there, shoplift. Everybody else is holy. Go to that CBS with roller skates on. You know what I'm saying? I'm coming out of there with a basket full of Yum yums five days in a row. What is the limit in Jersey?

[Lee]

Ask Lee.

[Joey Diaz]

Huh?

[Lee]

Ask Lee.

[George]

I don't know, but we're not telling people. Shoplift.

[Joey Diaz]

Not the age limit for midgets. What's the fucking. What's the fucking.

[George]

It's like a thousand bucks.

[Joey Diaz]

A thousand bucks. That's four days.

[George]

We don't want people to be four days.

[Joey Diaz]

Everybody gets some. The school teacher, everybody. That's when you get everybody to take yum yums. People like, man, you're so generous. No, I'm a good shoplift. You. Anyway, we'll be back for one more before Christmas, right? So we'll be here to feel sorry about tonight. We got a little crazier. I love my man, George Kaladinsky. Follow him on Instagram. All star framing. The best. He's got a tremendous. George, the framer George, whatever the. Listen, just look him up. Call me, Yell for him, like, rocky, you need me. Yo, Rock, I'll be. I love you. See you next week. Stay black. The church New Testament is brought to you by Liquid iv. Listen, the holidays are always a marathon, right? It's easy to forget the basics, like staying hydrated. I don't know who does, but keep Liquid IV on hand to get you through the holiday parties. You know what I'm saying? Liquid IV has three times, not two, three times the electrolytes of the leading sports drink. Plus eight vitamins and nutrients to keep you going. Bangin. Listen. It replaces nutrients lost by dehydration and has 100% of your daily value of vitamin B, B3, B5. Listen, all the Bs, B12. They got enough B in there to forget about it. It's available on a ton of delicious flavors and now sugar free. Let me explain something to you. That peach sugar free has always been one of my favorites. Okay? If you like Liquid iv, the flavor now they got a raspberry something. Oh my God. Stop the presses. And it's easy to use. Just mix one stick of liquid IV with 16 ounces of nice cold water. Shake that thing up or be out there. Stay hydrated through the holidays with Liquid IV. Get 20% off your first order of Liquid IV when you go to liquidiv.com again. Liquidiv.com use code JOEY at checkout J O E Y. A lot of people, you know that's 20% off your first order when you shop. Better hydration today with code joey. J o e [e-mail] Please support the show and get 20% off your next order.