Joey Diaz was mad at Natalie Cuomo for a Year!

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament

Episode: Joey Diaz Was Mad at Natalie Cuomo for a Year!
Host: Joey Coco Diaz
Guests: Natalie Cuomo, Lee Syatt
Date: April 7, 2026

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Episode Overview

This lively episode features comedian and actor Joey Diaz, co-host Lee Syatt (“The Flying Jew”), and guest comedian Natalie Cuomo. Recorded live in NYC, the conversation weaves through stories of comedy club life, personal quirks, mental health, social media, and the challenges of being a woman in stand-up. Joey candidly admits to having been mad at Natalie for a year, sparking discussions about relationships, the business of comedy, audience dynamics, and backstage realities. The tone is unfiltered, candid, hilarious, and deeply personal—a trademark of Joey Diaz’s style.

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Main Themes & Key Discussion Points

1. Joey Diaz’s Grudge Against Natalie Cuomo

[00:38 – 05:35]

• Joey confesses he was mad at Natalie for a year after she became public about her relationship.
  • “I was really fucking pissed at you. I almost drove to one of your gigs in Pennsylvania and just beat you up.” – Joey [02:14]
• He explains his “old-school” bar rule: women in the business shouldn’t bring their boyfriends around, arguing it kills the fantasy for male fans.
  • “Women know. Rule number one is ... don’t you ever bring your fucking boyfriend in this bar.” – Joey [02:19]
• Discussion on the impact of personal relationships on a comedian’s image and marketability.
  • “It’s bad for marketing.” – Natalie [04:02]
  • “When you start to take it, I’m like, oh, boy.” – Joey [04:03]

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2. Comedy Career Realities & Industry Insights

[06:13 – 16:44]

• Natalie shares her journey into stand-up, starting at open mics in NYC at 22.
  • “I always wanted to do acting, and then I was really bad at it.” – Natalie [06:16]
• Joey and the group discuss the hustle of indie stand-up, the rigors of travel, and club owner antics regarding ticket sales and bonuses.
  • “They always get you with that number, like, too short.” – Joey [09:00]
• Insights into breaking through with streaming specials and the detailed analytics now required by companies like Netflix.
  • “They look at your ticket sales... because then they could grow with you.” – Joey [07:31]
• Airline travel nightmares for comics and the small daily expenses that add up.
  • “It’s not the plane ticket. It’s the three Ubers you gotta take.” – Joey [11:17]

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3. Crowd Dynamics, Hecklers, and Gender

[12:22 – 16:44]

• The group reflects on how crowd work clips can embolden audience members to disrupt live shows.
• Joey discusses awkward situations with jealous partners at comedy shows and bachelorette/bachelor parties.
  • “But he’s not there to see the show. He’s there to bulldog the comic because you guys like him.” – Joey [13:32]
• Natalie shares experiences of dealing with territorial women in audiences.
  • “Why are you talking to my man? … I don’t want him. You can have him.” – Natalie [14:27]
• Hygiene nightmares and refusal to take pictures before shows due to “bad luck” and audience sweat.
  • “One time I got a shot of armpit and I had to go on stage the whole time, like, away from my neck.” – Joey [15:35]

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4. Comedy Geography: Different Cities, Different Vibes

[16:38 – 18:34]

• Joey talks about the unique energies in different cities (Philadelphia, Houston, Detroit) and how certain material lands differently regionally.

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5. Mental Health, Quirks, and Comic Brains

[21:39 – 28:13]

• The trio discusses being wired differently, using mental health issues on stage, and the resilience it gives comics.
  • “People who are gonna be good comics … we weren’t produced to be in society.” – Joey [21:08]
• Joey describes his own “vigilante” tendencies and neurotic rituals.
  • Example: holding grudges over ruined Thanksgiving mashed potatoes [22:44], being obsessed with neighborhood parking [25:06], and “petty justice.”
• Surprising rituals and superstitions before shows.
  • “I only wear blue underwear on stage… or I’m gonna have a bad set.” – Lee [28:01]
• The dynamic between comic mental quirks and stage performance.

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6. Social Media, Hate, and Navigating Negativity

[45:36 – 51:35]

• Natalie and Lee open up about online hate, how it hits differently as a woman, and learning to ignore/block trolls.
  • “You can’t give them the satisfaction of blocking them.” – Natalie [45:53]
  • “Why am I letting you...take you off your dream?” – Joey [50:18]
• Discussion shifts to how negative feedback rarely comes from people who understand the grind and hardship comics face.
  • “Nobody should have the power to take you out off your dream.” – Joey [50:32]

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7. Women in Comedy & Double Standards

[42:57 – 44:44, 45:02 – 46:00]

• Joey candidly describes the biases women face: male-dominated lineups, fans’ negative reactions to attractive women comics, and the myth of “no funny women.”
  • “If you’re a comic, you better fucking hide those guns.” – Joey (on having boobs as a female comic) [44:13]
• Natalie opens up about challenges, negativity, and learning to “just keep doing what you do.”

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8. Industry Power Dynamics & Self-Promotion

[53:31 – 59:32]

• The conversation covers agents, managers, self-made careers, and shifting the power dynamic to the artist’s favor.
  • “They need to impress us that we’re like...they need to be showing us that they’re valuable.” – Natalie [55:05]
• Joey and Lee joke about comic riders, demanding free sneakers, and legendary road stories—always with a warning that “the club owner charges you for everything.”

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9. Sex, Relationships, and Wild Stories

[62:03 – 71:48]

• Joey spins wild stories involving ex-wives, “carrots in the ass” as both metaphor and real courtroom insult, and the realities of being sexual as a comic.
  • “Tell them how I used to put carrots in your ass.” – Joey [62:22]
• The group swaps ridiculous, cringeworthy, and NSFW stories about sexual mishaps, audience reactions, and translating bedroom life into material.
  • “Just the last thing you want to do is hook up with Natalie because eventually somewhere you’re gonna come up in her act.” – Joey [72:08]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Joey Diaz [02:19]: “Women know. Rule number one is if you’re rocking and rolling and you’re a good looking woman, don’t you ever bring your fucking boyfriend in this bar.”
• Joey Diaz [21:08]: “People who are gonna be good comics...we weren’t produced to be in society.”
• Natalie Cuomo [04:02]: “It’s bad for marketing.”
• Joey Diaz [50:32]: “Nobody should have the power to take you out off your dream.”
• Natalie Cuomo [45:53]: “No, you can’t give them the satisfaction of blocking them.”
• Lee Syatt [28:01]: “I only wear blue underwear on stage. If I don’t, I’m gonna have a bad set.”
• Joey Diaz [62:22]: “Kathy, tell them how I used to put carrots in your ass.”
• Joey Diaz [44:13]: “If you’re a comic, you better fucking hide those guns. It’s not that type of party.”
• Natalie Cuomo [55:05]: “I think it’s interesting that we’re trained to... impress the industry when it’s the other way around. They need to impress us.”

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Joey admits being mad at Natalie: [02:14 – 05:35]
• Comedy business struggles: [07:23 – 09:47]
• Industry analytics and gatekeeping: [07:31 – 08:15]
• Dealing with hecklers/audience fantasies: [12:22 – 16:44]
• Mental health & neurotic rituals: [21:39 – 28:13]
• Social media and negativity: [45:36 – 51:35]
• Sex, wild stories, and material: [62:03 – 71:48]
• Issues for women in comedy: [42:57 – 46:00]
• Agents, power, and comics’ worth: [53:31 – 59:32]

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Conclusion

This episode is a riotous, raw look into the world of stand-up through Joey Diaz’s uniquely unfiltered lens. He explores the fragile egos, business realities, peculiar rituals, and tough lessons learned from decades in comedy, all while spotlighting the specific double binds facing women comics like Natalie Cuomo. Wild personal anecdotes, comic shop talk, and hard-earned wisdom make it a must-listen for fans of brutally honest comedy.

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Upcoming Shows (as plugged by guests)

Natalie Cuomo:

• Europe/UK Tour – starts April 26
• Portland, ME & Charlotte, NC – upcoming weekends

Lee Syatt:

• With Joey at The Dojo (Thursday night)
• Headlining Parkville Market, Hartford
• Grizzly Paris (Saturday show)

Joey Diaz:

• Nashville Comedy Festival at the Ryman Theater (Nov 18, sold out)
• Brooklyn show
• Surgery April 23, then back on Twitch/PlayStation with Natalie

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Transcript

[A]

Kick this motherfucking mule. What's happening, beautiful people? It's the Church of what's happening Now? New Testament, whatever the fuck it is. It's a whole New Week. It's April 7th. We got a tremendous, beautiful guest, Natalie Cuomo. The Flying Jew is here. Lee Syat. And we're in for another fun filled episode of the Church. What's up, beautiful people?

[B]

How are you?

[A]

I'm good. I'm just trying to keep it together.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

What's up with you?

[B]

I'm doing great.

[A]

No, you look great.

[B]

Happy to be here.

[A]

I know. I just thought of you last night. I said, I gotta get Nally on. I saw you at. Listen, let's get the story out, okay? I met Nally when I moved here and I loved her. I'm like, I love this kid. I gave her weed. She lost her keys one night.

[B]

That was crazy.

[A]

She had to fucking drive back to Jersey City.

[B]

I had my keys on me the whole time.

[A]

The scooter. Yeah. Wait, so that's when you know the weed is good?

[C]

When you're like, weed edibles.

[A]

It was the. It was the.

[C]

And his reputation didn't precede him. Like, I. Dude. So that. That's like the lightest thing that's ever happened to someone you've given weed to. Just losing your keys is like, that's a good night. Like, there's so many words.

[B]

We were at Uncle Vinny's. I live in Jersey City.

[C]

Oh, no.

[B]

And I was like, I can't find my keys. But they were in my bag the whole time. I had to get a ride home.

[A]

That's like when you're really high and you're like, where's my phone? And you're like, I know I had it. Oh, okay.

[C]

One time, George over there, one of the first times I went to Joey's house, we were there hanging out all night. George left like 45 minutes later. He just was sneaking around in Joey's backyard, knocking on windows. Because he left his phone or just

[A]

walked in, took his phone, left. I don't know why. He should have just left it there. So. I hadn't seen you, Natalie. And I kept following you. Like I was really a fan of yours. I wanted to see where you were going to go. You have. Last time I saw you were taping the special. Then you released the special. I watched it. And then, you know, you got lost in the shuffle. But I kept following you. I kept watching your little gigs. And then I got to be honest with you, I was really fucking pissed at you. In fact, I was so pissed that I almost drove to one of your gigs in Pennsylvania and just beat you up.

[B]

Why?

[A]

Because amazing that you had no idea

[C]

he even, like you didn't even think

[A]

about you were in trouble. I was mad at you for a year because. Listen, man, my mom was an old school hooker and she had a bar, okay? And women know. Women fucking know. Rule number one is if you're rocking and rolling and you're a good looking woman, don't you ever bring your fucking boyfriend in this bar. I will cut your fucking.

[B]

You're right.

[A]

No, no, no. It gets worse. I'll show you the levels that just, you know me, he's just my niece, but I get jealous. So then you had the boyfriend. I'm like, that's cool. She'll dump him in a week. You know what I'm saying? Because Natalie's a heartbreaker. So she'll dump him in a week. But then it started getting serious and they started taking pictures of them in Central park and shit. I'm like, fuck. Then all of a sudden, they're engaged. I'm engaged. I'm like, I almost fucking blocked you. I was so mad. Fuck. And then she went on with the wedding and I'm okay, she's married woman. Calm down. It's good new tour, me and dance. You're taking that motherfucker on the road now. You're done. I looked at her schedule and I'm like Pa Wilkes Barry or something. I'm gonna go beat the fuck out of once and for all because she's killing me here.

[B]

It was a mistake.

[A]

No, it wasn't a mistake. It was never a mistake, okay? I just think that you were in love and you just put his pictures up, not knowing that when you do a show, I look at the pictures, it's fucking 80% men.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, doesn't make sense.

[A]

Doesn't make sense.

[B]

You have to be yourself.

[A]

If you're a good looking guy and you start going, I have a wife. Those little chicks that go see Sebastian, those chubby Italian chicks, they ain't gonna be. You know what I'm saying? They just. It's something.

[B]

It's bad for marketing.

[A]

It's something like, it's just. And I love love. I'm a firm believer in love and comedy. When you start to take it, I'm like, oh, boy. These guys now, see, when they pay 35 bucks in the back of their mind, as perverted and as stupid as this sounds, paying 35 bucks, I got the shot to sleep with Mali tonight. They're geeks.

[B]

They don't actually think that, but they want to be able to pretend, right?

[A]

They're in their mom's basement banging one out, you know, oh, I'm Natalie. I'm going to get a tattoo.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Fuck, yeah. You got a young audience at 25, 26.

[C]

You see that guy who drove like 14 hours to do Kill Tony to see Kim Kongdon.

[B]

Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

That's what you got. You got a kid in Iowa right now going, I'm gonna get a tattoo and move to New York and marry Natalie. And he paying 35 bucks to see Natalie to. Hopefully I give her a flower, and then next time I'll go to her show at the stand and give her roses. You know, in the back of their mind, they're fucking goofy like that. And Now I'm paying 35 bucks, and I ain't getting nothing from Natalie.

[B]

Not even a fantasy.

[A]

I ain't even getting a fantasy because she's married. So it's just. And this goes for any other women, like, you know, there's an age. Not even. If you just say, I'm married. But never show that motherfucker, like, put pictures of him with his face, like, with a devil on him and shit like that, people lose their mind. Instead of saying, it's like showing a guy a thigh and up to here, and he goes nuts because he knows another inch. So. But that was. I'm not mad at you no more.

[B]

No, I got over. It's. When you're in love, you just. You go crazy and you. You put everything to the side.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

No. And I know you were like, I get to go with somebody on the road now. It's easier. But fuck, that's a pain in the ass, too.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

They're a comic. Oh, my God. That's gotta be rough because there's always somebody in the comic that wants to come home at night and try that joke on you. And that shit don't work. They come home, oh, my God, I killed. Let me do this joke on you.

[B]

So I kind of, like, lose your identity a lot.

[A]

You lose your identity? Yeah.

[B]

It has to be just you. Otherwise, like, it starts to morph into somebody else. And it's like it has to be solely your voice, I feel.

[A]

What made you get into stand?

[B]

I always wanted to do acting, and then I was really bad at it.

[C]

That's honest.

[B]

And I felt found more autonomy in stand up. And I could write my own stuff. I could create my Own opportunities. And I just got really hooked on it.

[A]

Where'd you get up on stage the first time?

[B]

I went to do. Oh, it's. It's funny. I went to do a mic at New York Comedy Club. It was canceled. So then I went. I walked to Greenwich, it was canceled. And then I walked to Karma Lounge, and then that one happened, and I went up. So it was like my third try that day. And I was, like, really determined that day to go do a mic.

[A]

How old were you?

[B]

I was 22.

[A]

What, are you banking now? How long you been doing comedy?

[B]

Like, nine years.

[A]

You've done really well for yourself.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

You're on Independent Quote, you know, right now. Comics. It's like an independent feature. You know, you're either going to go with Netflix or Hulu or not. You got to make your own fucking opportunity. Not going to, you know, you're not going to wait for Netflix to call you up. They'll call you when you start making a big wave, you know?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, when you sign with Netflix, like, they want to know your ticket numbers for the fucking year.

[C]

Do you mean an agency or you mean Netflix?

[A]

When you. When, before Netflix decides whether you're going to get a special, they look at everything, guys, your podcast numbers for the last two years to see if there's been growth. They look at your ticket sales to see if there's been growth, because then they could grow with you. So that's what they look at everything Netflix, and they go right in the computer. It's like they call your manager and he's like, oh, yeah, he did 82 million last year. No, no, no, not enough. We go in the computer, look at numbers and all that because it's all.

[C]

What's that, Ticketron or something like it?

[A]

No.

[B]

What's analytics?

[A]

What is it, algorithms?

[C]

Oh, no. But there's some sort of service that, like, tracks how you do ticket sales wise, right, at the bigger clubs?

[A]

I think so, yeah. Yeah, they got the official numbers, but they're lying, you know, I love it. She goes, yeah, it's a tiny club. It's 150 seats. Go in there with a fucking manager, I guarantee it's 180 seats.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you're like, it's 180 seats. Oh, my God. Oh, they left, though. We did a benefit for blind kids.

[B]

I know.

[A]

And we left over 30 chairs 100% the first time. And I tell people this. You just get robbed. You just get blatantly robbed. Like, you know, you'll hit. You'll get the club where you get the bonus, and you're three tickets away. So you send somebody to buy the three tickets, you get your fucking 500.

[B]

Yes, I know what you're saying. I know what you're saying, Doug.

[A]

That's what you gotta do. You gotta hustle it. You gotta get the bonus that night. And even if you're light, like two, some club owners will go, you did really good.

[B]

Don't feel like it's okay, it's okay.

[A]

We'll give you the bonus. But there's some. They're like, listen, you have 499 and a half. It ain't happening this time. When you're like, what the fuck? And they always get you with that number, like, too short. Really, I ain't got time. But if I had time to get a clicker and count all these chairs. I remember Gabriel Glaser kept doing a Wilbur Theater.

[B]

Really?

[A]

And they kept paying him. After 10 years, he goes, bill, do you pay me? On the people who were standing there and the room shut down. He was packing them in there to see Gabriel. We had 10 Mexicans in the corner, like, fucking. Like one of those ice trailers. They put shit down in Mexico in Texas. He had them, like, watching Gabriel. He was selling boxes for Gabriel in the back and shit, bro, at every level.

[B]

And he was paying him the same amount every time.

[A]

Yeah. And he's like, I don't get a raise. There's more and more people.

[B]

Crazy.

[A]

And I love Bill. I don't want Bill Boomer to ever think I love Bill and I'll do business with Bill tomorrow because he's cool as fuck, right? But they forget that shit, you know, they think that you don't know. And once one day, some people show up with you and they're like, man, why do those people stand? That's why I don't like people standing at my shows.

[B]

Oh, yeah?

[A]

Because they won't. If you're standing, you have the need to talk. It's really weird. Like, there's a couple clubs that, oh, we only got 250 seats. But you're looking at the back of the club while you're on stage, and there's fucking 30 people standing. And you're like, I'm not getting a dime of this. Plus, they're going to be disruptive because then they're not sitting and they start moving. What do you do? After 45 minutes, you're not sitting.

[B]

They're uncomfortable.

[A]

You're unconscious. Why? I don't go to concerts. I gotta Stand at Asbury park like a moral. The out of here. I don't like that song. Let me sit down and take one off. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So that's what it just, It's. I, I, I love you and Lee. I love what you're doing. It's a fucking struggle. I wish I didn't have to do it ever again. Like, I don't ever want to. I mean, if you came to me and said, joey, you got a chance of going to prison for 30 years of doing comedy, I'll do comedy. Because the first 10 years are prison. It's a prison. The first 10 years. You know, the planes, the. You don't understand where the money goes. It's not the plane ticket. It's the three Ubers you got to take.

[B]

I know.

[A]

And the daily airport, it's 65 bucks. And you're like, I just picked up 300 hours.

[B]

It's exhausting.

[A]

How can I.

[C]

What about the bags? 50 bucks a pop. Some airlines, I, I got three now.

[A]

Yeah, 60 now.

[C]

Seats cost more. Like, when you're checking a bag.

[B]

Your bags.

[A]

This guy was telling me they wanted 120 more for a window, so. Yeah. I love when they say Prices start at 344.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[A]

You got to sit in the back with, like, FBI guys and. Yeah. By the bathroom and smell farts, and that's. It's a fucking nightmare.

[B]

You got to sign up for an airline.

[C]

Yeah, that's what I did.

[A]

Yeah, you do what you said.

[C]

Like, I got a credit card with an airline, and that pays for the, the bags. I get upgraded a little bit.

[A]

A bad deal, but they were like, $5,000.

[C]

They want. I did Delta and they. It was like 700. But every bag is free. I get upgraded. They give you. They give me one free ticket a year. Like, one free companion ticket. So they give me Uber credit. So it adds. If you're doing it. If you're flying as much as we

[A]

are, if you're flying. Yeah, yeah. It's worth it.

[C]

It's. And it. I had something crazy happen this weekend. It was the first time someone was heckling, like, the entire show, and the headliner actually went up and, like, just be qu. And. And the person was like, no, this is what we're supposed to do, right? Like, this is, this is like, this. We're part of the show. And he's like, no, you're supposed to be quiet. And I've never, like, do you deal with that a lot? Cuz you, you Put up some crowd work clip sometime. Does that make people think they can talk to you during the set?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

Was. I've never experienced that before. And the guy, like, legit was. It was his birthday. He was, like, really upset that we. He wasn't supposed to talk during the show. He thought for sure that he was supposed to talk.

[B]

They think that it's about them. Like, they want it to be about

[C]

them or that it's not rude. And it was. It was very weird. And I've never experienced that before.

[A]

You know, I was thinking about you when you were coming on the podcast. If you ever ran into this. Guys run into this. And I'm not saying anything good or anything. There's times you do a show, and for some reason, it's a bachelorette.

[B]

Oh, yes.

[A]

Okay. And there's six. But there's always that insecure boyfriend that has to come.

[B]

The bachelorette party.

[A]

Yeah, there's always something like that. There's always, like, a guy that doesn't trust her. She's my woman. I want to be there. And the guys at first, like, yeah, it's cool. But at the end, they're like, guy, you brought your fucking husband with you. And he's. But he's not there to see the show. He's there to bulldog the comic because you guys like him. Like, if three of the women say, oh, he's hot. Matt Rife is hot. That motherfucker go to the concert and just, you know, he's got to go. He's got to go change light bulbs on Monday. So he's looking at Matt Rife going. And then I had that with my special. I almost had a kick a guy.

[C]

Oh, that was really.

[A]

Because the girl was dead and she liked comedy.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And you know the guy. I don't want to go see a comedy show. I'd rather get drunk. I want to go to see the Chicago Bears. And you can see that, you idiot. The Bears aren't even playing. It's nighttime. You know what I'm saying?

[C]

But do you ever have, like, women get upset at you?

[B]

That's what I was thinking. I have the reverse where women are just like. Or you talk to their. You do crowd work, and they're just like, why are you talking to my man? It's like, I don't want to fuck him. I'm like, I don't want him. You can have him.

[C]

I don't know if you do this. I. And it's a little bit different because, like, I'm a guy with girls. But, like, when you're taking pictures after, do you put your arm around a guy? Like, anytime a girl takes a picture with me, I. If you notice, my hands are always either in the front or behind my back. I don't want anybody to think anything. So, like, if guys come up with a girl, do you, like, do you put your arm around them? Does that ever come up or.

[B]

No, No, I don't. I don't Sometimes if it's, like, natural, but I don't be like, is it okay if I put my arm around you? And I'm like, yeah, that's okay.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

What about on Fridays when they go right from work digging trenches all day?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

They come right to your show and by 8:00 clock they're ripe. And by 9:30, they're booting.

[B]

Like, what do you mean? What about on Friday?

[A]

Yeah, Fridays. Because they didn't even go home, take a shower.

[B]

No, to me, it's Friday late.

[A]

Friday late. They come in. They're creepy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Then as they sliver around you, you could feel the bacteria come on.

[B]

You could just feel it right around your waist.

[A]

Oh, around here. When they hug you and you get a dent in that armpit. Like, that's why I won't take pictures before shows, because it's bad luck. Because one time I got a shot of armpit and I had to go on stage the whole time, like, away from my neck. It's like I had a partner. Like a. What are you doing? You have two heads. You know those two idiots? Yeah.

[B]

Ventriloquist.

[A]

And then I didn't want to hug nobody or take another picture because people are going to say, Joey was fucking ripe tonight. So my night was shot, huh?

[C]

Some people bring shirts, like, to change between.

[A]

Yeah. No, no. If you do helium, you ever do helium, you need, like, eight shirts.

[B]

I love that.

[A]

Every time you go to Philly, helium. The air's off. I don't know. I don't know what's going on. The air is not working. The air hasn't worked since I got here. Fucking July. You got to change shirts in the middle of your show. There's 275 people in there. It's 90 degrees, 90% humidity, and the guy's still walking around going, I don't know. There's something wrong with our air conditioner, Doug. The air conditioner's been fucked up since Jesus did a show here.

[B]

I love that room. That room's awesome.

[A]

Oh, when you're on a roll in that room, anything in Philly when you're on a roll. And now, whatever you say, I killed a woman last night. I raped her eight times. Philly, they take the ride. They don't. I hope you stabbed her in the neck. Yeah, they don't give a fuck in Philly. You even catch yourself saying things, going, jesus Christ, what Just came out of my mouth. And they took the ride. So that's what I like about Philadelphia. It's a great. Like, if you're buck wild, they take the ride with you. Philly, there's a couple towns like that. Houston. If you say President Bush in Houston, the place fucking blows up, right? You go up there. I learned something about Houston, like, at the old laptop, you could talk about anything you wanted, but as soon as you said Bush, the place blew up. If you went in there and talked bad about Bush, you ate a bag of dicks. But if you went to Austin and brought up Bush, you'd have a standing ovation. They hate it. So in Texas, you gotta be careful where the fuck you're at. But some of those old towns, yeah, you could say, like, I love Texas for developing Detroit. There's something about Detroit because there's so many weird people.

[B]

It is weird in Detroit.

[A]

There's pockets of weirdness. It is like I was telling you about Ishpalmin. Ish Balmie is a town by Notre Dame that. It's like a fucking. It's like Las Vegas. Nobody even heard about it. It's right by Notre Dame and it's. It's Indiana border. Indiana, Michigan border. Fuck, it's a party. But I bombed at that club, man. Notre Dame, funny bone. Years ago.

[C]

Real Catholic, huh? Real Catholic area.

[A]

Rednecky.

[C]

Oh, okay.

[A]

I went up there talking about coke and stabbing. People looked at me like, what is this kid talking about?

[B]

If you bombed, would you feel like anything afterwards? Would you be like, oh, that sucked, or you just like.

[A]

It depends. Depends the amount of bombs that weekend. You ever, like, have four bombs in

[B]

a row and you're like, just like, I need.

[A]

If I need a show, I'm done. I'm on the magazine place. Unless you have to have my job back. This is fucking brutal.

[C]

When did you stop having a day job? Or do you still have a day job?

[B]

I stopped in 20, 19.

[A]

What were you.

[B]

I was working at a coffee shop.

[A]

Okay? Yeah, but now you make money on Twitch. You're like a fucking millionaire. Daytime.

[B]

I stream on Twitch. Yeah. I play video games.

[A]

What kind of video games do you play?

[B]

I play different types. I play kind of like cute Video games and some scary games.

[A]

No, no. Grand theft autos.

[B]

No. I'm really bad at the driving.

[A]

Me too.

[C]

Yeah, he's a good start.

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

I just run over people at will same. I can't control that thing. I'm good with the shooting and the punching and the robbing.

[C]

Two different driving.

[A]

Two things.

[B]

It's so. It's so sensitive and it's like.

[A]

Right, it's sensitive. You gotta learn how to do the. The. So it could stay still. Because I'm not. You're just going like this. Hitting things. Bam.

[B]

Exactly. I can't.

[A]

Bam. I'm just hitting.

[B]

I really want to get good at it before November when the new one comes out, but I just can't. Yeah.

[A]

Good for you, Natalie.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

You're a gangster and now you got a tour of Europe.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Now when you go over there as a single woman, are you scared? Are you?

[B]

No, I'm stoked. I'm really excited to go there. I'm like, this is going to be an adventure. I'm excited.

[A]

Good. And you're one of those fucking hippie chicks. You're into all that shit. You go over there, some guy fucking grabs you and puts you in an alley and gives you a stabbing. You got a new joke that night, you know what I'm saying? If I stab him, Natalie don't give a fuck.

[C]

Don't give him any ideas.

[A]

No, I watch the material. I'm like, natalie, Jesus. Jesus Christ. What the are you talking about? For Christ's sake? No wonder you're driving these 22 year old kids with pimples crazy and they come to your show, Dog. She said some. That I gotta go. What the. Now, come on.

[B]

That's fair. Sometimes I'm like, people must think I'm out of my mind, which I am to be fair.

[A]

No, that listen, that makes the comic.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

People listen. A comedian that went to Yale is not gonna be fucking funny.

[B]

Right?

[A]

Give me the guy that takes Zoloft through his dickhole and fucking stabbed his wife eight times.

[B]

I see that.

[A]

Yeah. That's the people who are gonna be good comics because we're not stable. We weren't produced to be in society. Natalie, how long will it take you to fucking. Some guy tells you to fucking pick up that garbage can before you tell him to go fuck you. So how long? There's some people that are born to that and there's some people that. And they never find what they are and they become retards. At least people like you and I became comedians. We got mental issues, but we became comedians, so it's right up our fucking alley.

[B]

You feel like you have mental issues?

[A]

Oh, fuck, yeah.

[B]

No, but, like, I feel like you're able to use it so well.

[A]

You learn how to deal with it. You learn how to cover it up and shit like that.

[B]

What would your mental issue be?

[A]

What would my what?

[B]

What would your mental issue be?

[A]

I got a lot of. I got a lot of.

[B]

Really?

[A]

No, I'm not OCD and all that shit, but I'm like. I don't even know what OCD is. I know you always talk about it, and I'm like, I don't even fucking know what she's talking about. Ocd. I don't know.

[C]

This is mostly a joke, but you have some autistic tendencies. Like, you don't, like, change. You like things a very specific way. You don't like a lot of people around you.

[A]

Changes in quarters and nickels.

[C]

No, like. Like, if things. If something changes. Like. Like. Like. Like if some. If. If someone tells you something's gonna happen one way, but it happens the other way. Or if someone like. Like you just said with Natalie. You got mad at Natalie for a year because she got a boyfriend.

[B]

That's so valid, though.

[C]

Well, yeah.

[A]

No, I get like that.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I didn't talk to a woman because she made mashed potatoes. That was so bad. On Thanksgiving, she made a fucking tredunkin. I love this woman with all my heart. I still talk to her today, but for a fucking year, I did not say a fucking word to her. Yeah, this is. And one day she's like, what's going on with us? We were always good friends. I go, you fucked up the turkey and the fucking mashed potato. Who fucking fucks up mashed potatoes? I just hung up on him. And like, a week later, because her mashed potatoes were so bad that people would make her go to a liquor store so they could redo her cooking.

[B]

Really?

[A]

She had Thanksgiving when you had 9 o'? Clock? I had to wait till 9. And then I get there and it's not a turkey. It's a trudunkin. It's a turkey stuck with duck right there. You lost me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

All right, so I'll fucking eat the. I'll eat the fucking stuffing and I'll eat the mashed potatoes and dibble on some cranberry sauce. No, no, no, no, no, no. The hits didn't stop there. Everything was fucking. The stuffing was made out of fucking cardboard with olives and shit in it. I never Saw anything like that. These are white people in California. They don't know nothing about Thanksgiving. The vegetables were God awful. Everything. I just got up, I cried. Like, who the fuck's up? Let me tell you how good my wife is. We got home at like, 10:30. I went to bed. I was so depressed. She woke me up at three with a turkey, mashed potatoes and stove. Stop stuffing the same way they have stuffing in prison. That's the stuffing I want. I don't want fucking these people with. I made this new stuffing. Go shove it up your ass. I don't want none of that shit.

[B]

You're right.

[A]

Put some salt and pepper. I get pissed at things like that. I don't know if they're autistic things. Like, he knows. There was a guy by my house in studio, said put two cones in front of his driveway. For some reason, it didn't rub me the right way. Like, because it was a school. And across the house, across the street was the house. And he put two cones on there so a mom can't make a fucking U turn. I would drive by that and go, what type of scumbag is this? And then I knocked on his door for Halloween one day. He didn't want to give my daughter candy. He's like, you gotta answer these history questions.

[B]

Wait.

[A]

Oh, yeah. The guy was a fucking nerd. Him and his fucking wife.

[B]

History questions for candy?

[A]

Yeah, he was like a history teacher or some shit. My daughter's like, fuck it. She just walked away. And I'm looking, I go, you didn't give that little girl coffee?

[B]

Coffee.

[A]

But she didn't know who fucking Hitler was or some shit like that. The fuck is wrong with you? So every night I would drive home, and on the way home, I'd go out of my way to run over his fucking cones. Every day he'd come out of there and look at his cones and go, God damn it.

[B]

That doesn't seem mentally ill to me.

[A]

That is. There's something wrong there. You know? There's something fucking not right about somebody who just takes it upon them. So I'm like a vigilante of things that nobody cares about. Like I stick up for those little guys.

[C]

When the guy parked on your street.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

You throw trash in his car.

[A]

People parked in front of your house with a nice car to go to Burbank Airport, and then they leave that car in front of your house for three weeks.

[B]

That's fucked.

[A]

I gotta scratch your car, I gotta blow up your tires. I gotta do whatever I can to you, that's old New Jersey way. You get the hint. Because I could tell you to your face, Natalie, we live here. And you'll go, okay, fine. But it's a free country, okay? Okay. Wait till you come out and all fours are fucking flat. And you're out there like, I only have one tire. Yeah, it's a free country. Now you'll see how fucking free life really is.

[B]

Did you really do that? Did you do that?

[A]

Fuck, yeah. How dare you park your fucking car in front of my house for three weeks.

[B]

That's a long time with a nice car.

[A]

To save $2 to save $5, right? They get a car, people would park fucking 7 series BMWs on my block to. Not fucking. To take the shuttle downtown. Instead of parking, you got a seven car. You worked hard for it, put in nice parking. Okay? You don't want to put a park. You trust life. I walk right away with a fucking key. And I said, I wait there with my cat, petting them like an evil. And I see them get out of the car, and they're looking at the scratch, like, fucking. And I'm sitting there. Yeah, I'm just petting a little cat.

[B]

Sounds like maybe you need some cones. You need some cones?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You need the neighbor's cones.

[A]

But that. Yeah, I'm out of my mind like that. But. But people don't understand. Is that what makes you a better comic? Yeah, you don't want to remember who the fuck you are on stage because you're just a lunatic.

[B]

Right.

[A]

That's why I hate when people go, well, what. What is your act like?

[B]

Oh, I know yourself. I hate that.

[A]

What do you think I put. I take a cape off and go on stage. Who does that?

[C]

Oh, I love me.

[A]

What you're seeing on stage is me. Yeah, I talk about some stuff. The other stuff I don't like talking about, but this is me. I don't have no act. No act.

[B]

Mm.

[A]

What do you think?

[B]

I agree.

[A]

Yeah. What's your.

[C]

What's your mental issues?

[B]

Oh, God. I just. I think I'm, like, a little paranoid.

[C]

Oh, yeah?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

About what? I'm paranoid and anxious about everything.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Like, what are you paranoid about?

[A]

Everything.

[C]

Like, I'm. I'm superstitious, too. Like, I only wear blue underwear on stage. If I. If I don't wear blue underwear, I'm gonna have a bad set.

[B]

Really?

[C]

Yep. I've. I get nervous about that. I get nervous about. Oh, yeah. I have a lot of weird. Like, I, like, whenever I take mushrooms I think everyone's mad at me.

[B]

Well, that's. You're taking mushrooms, I guess.

[C]

I think everyone. Oh, all the time.

[A]

He's fucking Jewish.

[B]

Okay, I'm half. I'm half.

[A]

Okay, so you. That's half your fucking problem, right? See, when you're Jewish, like myself, I have some Jew in me. You're in your fucking head.

[B]

You have Jew in you?

[A]

Yeah, Cuban fucking Jew. The old school Jews. Not these fucking little fag Jews driving BMWs and making believe they're popular. I'm old school, you know what I'm saying? If I could dent the BMW, I'll dent it. They with my people. You know what I'm saying?

[C]

Oh, my God.

[A]

So I think, like we made a good observation a couple weeks ago. 10 years I've been watching this knucklehead try to gamble. He's horrible.

[B]

You.

[A]

He's horrible. But three weeks ago, he wins $9,000. Why did he win the 9,000? Why? Cause I gave him an edible and he forgot he was a Jew, so he didn't care about losing. But all the other times he loses 200. That's it. I'm done. I'm done for the night. He's got 20,000 under his mattress. Why are you done? For the fucking night. But his Jew comes out. Everybody has that. Your own little things come out.

[B]

He's so anxious all the time.

[A]

Yeah, you're anxious, so he takes an edible. He's over there fucking Johnny Goombach, tipping the chick. Once he tipped the fucking lady, I knew the Jew was gone. He gave her like a $25 chip.

[C]

You gotta tip the dealer.

[A]

Yeah, and that's the thing you. I don't believe in drinking before you go on stage because I'm not a boozer, but I do like smoking a joint.

[B]

Just, just.

[A]

Just takes the edge off.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, I don't smoke weed because it gets me high, guys. I smoke weed because it's a little last piece of me.

[B]

It's a little less.

[A]

It's the last piece of meat.

[B]

What do you mean?

[A]

That when I was like 13, I was smoking pot. That's the last thing I brought from that world. I'm not a thief no more. I don't do coke no more. I don't have STDs no more. You know, things change. No, I never had an std. I think I did, but I didn't take care of it. It went away by himself. You know, when you hang out with college girls, things happen.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

So, yeah, like you. You Just know. But I know sometimes that my mental issue helps me when I'm on stage because I just don't really give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. Like, this is what we do. And if I didn't have that little mental sickness, I wouldn't. Like today I came up here and I cut everybody off. Like the 46 exit. Like I just cut somebody off there. Like, I don't even stand in that line with the rest of those idiots. Like I'm not. I'm on a different level. I gotta cut around. I gotta get to the studio.

[C]

Yeah, well, you haven't driven unless you've. My favorite is he just beeps at people.

[B]

Really?

[C]

He beeps at people walking by and they don't know how to handle. Scream at him.

[A]

My daughter doesn't know how to handle it.

[B]

That's so funny.

[A]

I'll see little faggots walking from Wawa to like the park. I'll be with her in the car yelling at them. Oh, yeah, I got a whistle. I got like a whistle. So sometimes I hit her with the whistle or sometimes I just beep at him and my daughter will go, dad, I go to school with them. Oh my God.

[B]

Hold on. Talk to me about this whistle.

[A]

Oh, my wife was a basketball coach. I stole a whistle. So I bring it to different places to fuck with people. So I went to my friend's Eddie Bartch restaurant. What's the name? Eddie Bartch Restaurant in whatever forte. Great dude. And I brought the whistle. So the whole night he sent with me and I'm hitting him with the whistle. And every time I blow the whistle, he's looking around the restaurant, right? He's getting up finally, I didn't say nothing. I hit him with the whistle 20, 25 times that night. And every time he would settle, I hit him with the whistle. And he'd get up and look around. And the next day he told me, he goes, I thought it was the fire department. He didn't know what he knew about it.

[C]

Was he like, do you hear that?

[A]

I came on the podcast and talked about rocking the whistle.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[A]

And now I take the whistle, like nice restaurants and shit, and you're in there sitting there, beep. And just people lose their mind.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

I'm a fucking kid.

[B]

It's amazing.

[A]

Part of the stoner.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm still a 10 year old fucking child.

[B]

We all are.

[A]

So I get off on things like that that don't involve anybody else. They're just for me.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Who did you steal like one shoe from that makes me laugh.

[A]

When we're going on this show one year and I took my friends one shoe. If you want to burglarize somebody and fuck with somebody, just take one shoe, go in the house and take one of their shoes, of their favorite shoes and just come over there like a week later. How you doing? I can't find my shoe. They lose their. Yesterday I went to an Easter thing. Little Joey gets up, gets a plate of pasta, a sausage and a meatball. He puts it down. His father goes, joey, get me a soda. He turns around, I took my meatball put on his plate, he took his sausage, right? And I see his little 10 year old kid sit down. He goes, hey. But he didn't say nothing. He didn't say, just goes, hey. He looked around and he was like scratching his head. Meanwhile, I'm watching him, I'm fucking howling because he thought he got a piece of sausage, which he did, really did. I just wanted to fuck with him.

[B]

And then he just.

[A]

So I called his mother today. That's what I did to Joey yesterday. She was like, I love it. Yeah, I like torturing people, but it's my own torture. I don't want you. Like I would torture. I don't know, me. No, no, no, no. Like I would have to torture somebody. If you're that gullible, I gotta run with it. Like, I could say something to you one time now. Yeah, whatever, Joey. But you'll go, really? And I go, oh, that's it. I got it.

[B]

Yes, I'm gullible.

[A]

And I'll just say things to you like, did you hear the Martians last night? What Martians, Joey? They were in Jersey City and now it's just you and me about Martians. You won't tell nobody but me. And you are like, see that Martian last night? Like, I just say shit to you.

[C]

He used to call me and tell me if the cops come, don't answer the door. And I would be, what you said, why are the cops coming?

[A]

I would call them every hour on the hour and go, if the cops come, don't answer the door. And I just hang up the phone. You gotta have a good time.

[B]

Yeah, you gotta. You gotta make your own fun.

[C]

Any wonder why I'm so anxious?

[B]

Were you always. Were you always anxious? Oh, yeah, okay.

[C]

I'm way more. I'm less anxious now than I used to be.

[B]

You talk about on stage, not a

[C]

ton of being anxious. Yeah, not yet. Yeah, that's a good idea though. I should talk About, I don't know. Do you ever talk about being Jewish, but being Jewish?

[B]

Wait, I said being anxious.

[C]

I know, but it's the same because. Because sometimes I'll bring up being Jewish in some places. They don't like it.

[B]

I have one joke about being Jewish, but that's it.

[C]

Really?

[A]

That's it.

[C]

And have people ever been weird with you?

[B]

Not really.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah, just like a one liner.

[A]

Okay. Yeah.

[C]

Because some people will bring me up. He gave me the nickname the Flying Jew. And some places they'll bring me up as. And they'll like. It's weird for the first five or ten minutes.

[B]

As the Flying Jew.

[C]

Just as a Jew.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But right now it's pretty polarizing, I guess.

[C]

Yeah. It's. What. How do you. How have you found New York? Because you. Are you still young? I feel like you're still. You're younger than I am.

[B]

I'm 31.

[A]

Younger than you.

[C]

You all six years.

[B]

How old are you?

[C]

I'm 37.

[B]

Oh.

[C]

So it's like I don't. I feel I've had. I've only been in New York for like a year and a half.

[B]

Oh, really?

[C]

Yeah. And I feel like. I feel like the younger crowds don't really like me that much. They like me a little bit, but I feel like the younger crowds are a little weird. I feel like. I feel like I do better with older people, like 30 and up.

[B]

Why do you think?

[C]

I think I'd scare them. I don't know. Like the young 20 year old kids don't really, like, don't.

[A]

I'm scared of them.

[B]

You're scared of the younger kids?

[A]

That's why I don't go to a stand.

[B]

Why do you?

[A]

Because it's a younger crowd and I don't want to be up there justifying my existence in front of a younger crowd. If they're gonna go, well, that's. And I get it, some of the material isn't what they were raised on. We come from a different. So listen, if I go up there, I'll do just fine.

[B]

I think you would do great there.

[A]

But in the back, like when I was 30.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I peeked out that curtain and I saw a lot of people with white hair. My shit would come out of my ass. Like, what am I gonna tell these people?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

All you're doing is shortchanging yourself.

[B]

Right.

[A]

That's why I don't look at the audience. This shit about, come see the. You want to see the theater. I don't see Nothing.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Theater is a fucking theater.

[B]

Right? Right.

[A]

If you think I want to go down there and do a sound check and.

[B]

Oh, I know.

[A]

Now my mind runs more. I've never done any of that shit.

[B]

I feel like young people love you.

[A]

No, but it's. It's give or take. When you walk into the city, I'm going up against 30% of people that might like me. 200 seat room. They'll go, uncle Joey. But the other people just sitting there. And I hit them with an outlandish joke. Those girls, they're not, you know. Did not. It's weird sometimes where you get away with me. I don't give a. Like, understand where I'm coming from. But the club, you guys, you know, I don't want you guys to feel bad. Joey came in, he had a bag of dicks in front.

[B]

Like, I know you even see that happening.

[A]

I couldn't even think of going to the Comedy Cellar.

[B]

Why?

[A]

Because they get all those mixes.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah, it's too many mixes. And they listen again. I'd probably do just fine.

[B]

We were at the Roast of New Jersey. I was laughing so hard. Someone told me they were laughing at how I was laughing at you.

[A]

Oh, we had a good time. We had a fucking good time. But I'll tell you what, I felt shitty. I saw you. Oh, once I saw you, and you were like, with your assistant, your friend. And then you and I sat together. I'm like, ooh. She took the pressure off me because at least I knew Natalie well. Like, I would have sat with Rich, Bonnie, or the black kid, you know, I forget Donnell. But I sat next to you. They sat us together. When the guy goes, I'm sitting you with Nally. Any problem going, no, thank God, you know, because now we'll share anxiety together.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Now we'll sit next to each other. And I told you that I have anxiety, too. So just. Yeah, yeah, relax, and we'll be fine.

[B]

I had had this joke where I say, like, the most Jersey thing. I was like, the most Jersey thing about me is that I'm divorced. Actually, the most Jersey thing would be if my husband punched me in the face and my sister and he divorced me. Right? But apparently the whole crowd took it as if I said, he punched me in the face.

[A]

And they locked up after that.

[B]

Well, apparently they were like, oh,

[A]

my

[B]

ex messaged me and he goes, why'd you tell people that I punched you in the face? I go, I never said that.

[A]

I.

[B]

You didn't punch me in the face. And I never said that. And it's a joke.

[A]

You met that as a Jersey girl. I get it.

[B]

I meant it as, like. It would be as if, theoretically, this would be a Jersey thing to theoretically have happened. Do you know what I'm saying?

[A]

Right, right. No, I understand. Exactly.

[B]

Like, this didn't happen. But theoretically, this would be a Jersey thing to have happened.

[C]

Did you grow up in Jersey?

[B]

I grew up in Queens.

[A]

Okay, what did you move to? When did you make your big escape?

[B]

Jersey City, 2019.

[A]

What made you make the move?

[B]

My mom randomly moved to Jersey and I lived in LA for like, eight months. And in around that time, because I was, like, with a guy. We broke up and then I moved in with my mom.

[A]

When the. Were you in la? I never saw you in la.

[B]

I saw you in la.

[A]

You did?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Where?

[B]

Just from afar.

[A]

No, but where? What club?

[B]

Comedy Store.

[A]

Oh, really?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I didn't know you then. No, no, we didn't know each other. That's crazy. You were in la, but you were little. You were young.

[B]

I was like a year or two in.

[A]

Yeah?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Did you get intimidated at all?

[B]

For sure. For sure. Yeah.

[A]

How do you feel now when you go out there?

[B]

I feel fine. I feel good. I feel like I know people. There's so much crossover between the scenes that, like, I see friends and stuff and I like it there a lot, you know?

[A]

Man, listen, here's how I feel. Like I said, my mother was the lead hooker. The eight other Cuban hookers that used to hang out together. I'm just saying they weren't hookers, but you know what I mean, George, The Spanish woman. And they're hot and they dress hot. So I was raised around a lot of women. Like, I learned early on, like, one of my favorite things is to go to a beauty parlor. You get a haircut. Just to see the broads talk. I'm not there to hit on them or nothing to that. Just to hear the quack. To see chicks with their eyes up and aluminum foil on their head looking like a TV and shit, you know? And then there's another. Like, when I was young, I would watch women get ready. Like, those women would come to my mother's house to get ready. We lived on 88th Street.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So they would go to a club called the Cheetah on, like, Wednesday nights. Young hookers, you know, moms that are hookers. Yeah, Moms would. Moms were brand new pussies. That's a new club. Moms were brand new pussies. After the birth and they go out in New York City and they cause havoc and they come home and tell you stories and shit. So I've always felt comfortable, like, really comfortable around women. And then I started doing comedy, and that's a complete different situation. And then it's so weird when I had, like. Let me tell you what happened to me recently. Like, I went on the road. You know, my daughter was born in 2013. I went on the road. Do you know, after the pandemic, I have more women coming to my shows now ever before.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. And I can't, you know. Okay, maybe you get your Elvis qualities back being a kid. No, it's because I got a daughter now. That's the only thing I could put on. I mean, it swung, like, not like it went from like 95 to 5% women, even a little higher because they come. A lot of women bring their boyfriends on dates. Like, the guys will say to me, my girlfriend bought me tickets.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's why I always have a woman opening for me. Because I don't want the women to come there and hear three guys talking about big dick energy. It's not gonna work.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

The woman gets nothing out of that. It's like. It's like somebody going down on you. You don't return the favor. You know what I'm saying? It's like that. Like, you're like, what the fuck? So that's why I always do that, to please everybody. But I noticed that as I got older and I had mercy. Now I'm getting two girls instead of a date, and they're like in their 25s or 26s.

[B]

That's awesome.

[A]

And that. No, it's not awesome. But you think about what made. Because this is the changes that you learn in comedy, okay? Like, you're gonna go, oh, my God. When I first got on stage, like I said tonight, I hate performing in front of young audiences. But that's just something in my head. Once I get there and touch the mic and walk up, you become a fucking animal. And you learn how to navigate yourself through that. But it's so weird that even after 35 years, I still have those doubts. So if you get them, don't feel bad, right? You know, if you look in a room and it's 80 guys looking like me, you're going to go, what the fuck do I say? These guys don't even get hard on. They're not even going to get half my material. You know what I'm saying? I got to talk about Viagra I got to find everything I know about Viagra and blue chip. So it's the same thing again with you. What happens if you open the door and it's 60 women out of 70 and you're looking the best you've ever looked? They're gonna hate you just for that, Natalie.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

They're gonna hate you just for that. And that's the thing that a lot of people don't realize. Like, I see a woman with nice breasts. That's great. But if you're a comic, you better fucking hide those guns. It's not that type of party. Because what's gonna happen? I'm gonna bring my wife, you're gonna go up on stage. I'm gonna be happy. It's Natalie Coleman. She's gonna go. That slut.

[B]

That's.

[A]

You don't even fucking know Natalie Cuomo. But because you have two shotguns coming out. Yeah, it's the truth.

[B]

This is where I do feel like it's. I get a lot of negativity and it's difficult.

[A]

It's very difficult.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you don't know why. For right now, don't pay attention to it. Just keep doing what you do, and eventually you'll learn. Oh, I say that and the women get pissed off. This. You know, if I go out and stick my head out and I see an old woman in the audience, I start shitting my brains a little bit.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. She's going to look at me go, look at you talking like you're fucking 18. You're a grown fucking man. Go get a couch and a blanket and hang it up already.

[B]

Go get a couch and a blanket. But I feel like it comes from guys to negativity.

[A]

Absolutely. Because I don't like when guys say, there's no funny women.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

As the biggest hypocritical. As hypocritical as I am about, like, my girls and shit. Like, another thing, Natalie, I love you so much. If somebody came to complain to me about you, I go, it's Natalie. You know what I'm saying? Like, I'm hypocritical with certain people. Somebody comes up to me and goes, well, he called me a cunt. It's Lee, you know?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

If somebody else comes up to me, oh, George called me and cut that

[B]

lunatic.

[C]

Have you. Because you've dealt with, like, some anger online. How did it. What did it take you, like, a while to learn how to deal with that? What was that like?

[B]

Yeah, yeah. It definitely took an adjustment period to learn how to deal with it and to kind of desensitize myself to it.

[C]

Do you block people or do you just. Do you just not give them the satisfaction?

[B]

No, no, you can't give them the satisfaction of blocking them.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Unless it's like, they're scary, you know? Unless they're, like, so insistent.

[A]

Well, what.

[C]

What would be in, like, I, I. One guy. One guy told me he wanted to blow my brains into the Hudson.

[B]

That would be scary.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Then I would block them.

[C]

Yeah, that was fun. But like, that, you. You just, like, let it go. Now, it doesn't. You try not to read stuff.

[B]

Yeah, exactly. It's. After a while, it doesn't feel like anything, which is kind of sad.

[C]

Did it kind of help? Does it kind of help you? Because if people are that upset, at least they're like, they're watching your stuff and commenting. Angry stuff. And it goes more up on Instagram. You kind of like it now.

[B]

Sometimes you get to a point where you're like, oh, this doesn't have any angry comics comments. It's not hitting the algorithm, right.

[A]

Yeah. It's crazy that I don't. When I first started this podcast thing about six years, I used to get upset. I'd argue with people on Twitter, you know, and then one day I looked at. And I go, it's like when somebody heckles you. It's like when somebody says, after the show, I'm gonna blow your brains out into the house.

[B]

Right.

[A]

What was that person thinking the moment before he walked into that comedy club?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, you have to look at him and go, do I take my criticism from that loser? Tonight you're gonna go home and say, most people do. I was having a good set, but there was a heckler there all night. You ever had that? Yeah, I'm a great set. And there's a guy that's just. And you know if you attack them now, you're gonna lose the audience.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

If I call you a fucking idiot and a retard, I'm gonna lose the audience.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I gotta learn how to do it in a way that I turn the audience on him without turning. I'm not gonna say, hey, tell this guy he's a loser. No, just go, hey, man, you're sitting next to a pretty girl. You're fucking embarrassing the shit out of her. And they just look at you like, what the fuck? You know? But to talk to you guys, because I had it out with my nephew Lee and my brother George, you cannot look at those comments. And all you guys will go, but you'll leave here tomorrow and look at YouTube and look at the fucking comments.

[B]

Not I.

[A]

Not you either.

[B]

No, I might. No, I'm kidding.

[A]

No, because you're taking criticism from people that don't know what you did to get to where you are.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

So why am I letting you. You could talk all the shit want. You could talk all the nonsense and listen. It took me years to come to that. We're a comic. We're comics, right? We're fucking artists. We're entertainers, we're actors. People are going to hate you. If you don't like it, don't go on the Instagram.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

If you don't like posting shit. And people are going to go. And guess what? No matter what you post, there's going

[B]

to be people that hate it.

[A]

Look at those shoes. What the fuck do my shoes have to do with stand up?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And that's when you start realizing that these people coming from a different place. Yeah, they're coming from the same place. When I go to a comedy show and I see a woman, even if I don't know, I applaud for. I applaud for her. I wanted to do well. Because if you want somebody to do well, that's only going to help you. That's really going to help you learn to deal with. If you go up and go, look at her, she's got skinny legs. She got the last. I don't know, you'd lost. You fucking lost. If you go on Twitter at 8 in the morning, I see tons of people already arguing on Twitter. I don't get on there till like 10. I see people, you know, once Mercy goes to school, all bets are off. I go to the gym. So I'll look at the Twitter or the Instagram or the Facebook. I don't have Facebook or Twitter on my phone. I only have IG because that's what people. All that other shit, you know, and it's hard to fucking digest it, but it's like they don't know about your pain. They have no idea about you getting stopped in Syracuse yesterday.

[C]

Jesus Christ.

[A]

You know? They have no idea about. They have no idea. They don't know what it is to go to a comedy club when they told you 11 o', clock, but Louis CK walks in and he goes to one, and now you got to go up at one. They don't know all that. So why are you listening to. If I have a complaint to you, I'm not going to write on, man. I'm gonna pull you over, Emily. Fucking name is Natalie. I didn't like that joke, but that joke was weird. Let's do it this way. Yeah, but I'm not gonna come up to you. And fucking that joke sucks. Who the fuck are you?

[B]

Yeah, old man.

[A]

Who the fuck are you? We're in the stand here. You're fucking Moses. You know what I'm saying? And that's what I don't read none of that shit. Because nobody should have the power to take you out off your dream.

[B]

Yeah, like.

[A]

And that's douche. That's what people do. They had a dream. They didn't have the fucking balls to even show the fuck up. When people write that shit about you, they didn't even have the balls to show up. Look up. She went to an open mic. It was canceled. The other buddy else would have gone home. I would have.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It took me a year to get on stage, bitch. A year I would get the open mic. I'm sick tonight and I hang up the phone. A year. So she went to two open mics. They were closed. She could have gone home, could have called the guy, gone to dinner. She went to that third open mic. And that's what these people don't know. But they try to take that away from you.

[B]

They do. Yeah.

[A]

Fuck. I see your battles. I saw the tape when you went fucking off on the guy. I loved it. I love all that shit.

[B]

It went crazy.

[A]

I love all that shit because that's what happens when I heckle you. There's people who go to a show specifically to fuck with your world.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

We lose when we let them fuck with our world.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

As soon as we go, fuck you, you're a stupid heckler. You live in your mother's basement. We lost.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

That's it. You became another $3 comic.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's who you are. There's a ten dollar comic, $3 comic. There's a thousand dollar comic. Which one do you want to be?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You can't do it from the beginning, but you learn. You learn. So we're gonna take a break now. So now they can pee. Lee could eat a fucking pickle. We'll be right back. What's up, beautiful people? Uncle Joe here to talk to you about 424 20. This year is with in the Cloud. Look at this. In the Cloud has everything. Gummies, vapes, pre rolls, edibles, zero calorie THC sodas. In the Cloud is a fully legal online cannabis dispensary for you. I love them. And you Know why I love them? Because they send everything right to your house. All in the Cloud products are federally legal. Thc. Everything sold is DEA certified and lab tested. Listen, you know me. I go over the limit here. I'm a 500 milligram type of guy. And they got them. If you're 21, older and a new customer, go to in the cloud. CO. That's CO and use church code for 40% off your first order. C H U R. C H. That's in the Cloud code. Church for 40% off all month long. This is 420, baby. You know what I'm saying? And everything shipped discreetly to your door. Plus free shipping on orders over $50 and $30 in free gifts on qualifying orders. How's that? After you order, fill out the survey and tell them the church sent you. It's that easy. Enjoy. 420. Now what? Thank in the Cloud for sponsoring us on 420. Enjoy. Deep. We're back, bitches. Anyway, so what is Natalie all right? So I didn't know this shit about stand up and actressing.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You still want to be an actress? Because we talked about you modeling.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, why don't the fuck they send you back for anything?

[B]

Why don't they do anything? I don't know. I feel like everything I've done myself, so.

[A]

No, you have to do it yourself. Three quarters. And they'll close and be the hero.

[B]

What?

[A]

And they'll close it and be the hero.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, we worked hard on this.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

I've been exchanging emails with this for six months.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

I came in to give me, you know, to close it.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

We did a good job. You didn't do nothing.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

I'm giving you 10% for protection.

[B]

100%.

[A]

Yeah, that's it. It's.

[B]

It's.

[A]

It's half the work you do. And that's when you really realize that. Listen. That you have an agent and you have a manager. You're paying out 25% a week. 20% a week. And you gotta ask yourself, what are we doing here?

[B]

Is it worth it?

[A]

Is it? No. Because sometimes you got a manager who thinks he's cute. Hi, Natalie. I have an audition for you. You're like, oh, great. What is it for Batman. Oh, great. And all of a sudden your agent calls you and goes, did you get that audition? You're like, yeah. What are you talking about? Yeah, I got it for you. I just called your manager. Now is this motherfucker an answering service for 10 points a month? Because I Want my manager to run a different scam than the agent.

[B]

100%.

[A]

Do movies and television and bookings. Let this go into the nitty gritty. Listen, HBO looking to do a stand up special.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Thursday.

[A]

The guy's gonna be there. I'm gonna get you a spot there. Go in there and kill those type of moves. Not the moves that I was talking to your agent. I think that's a brilliant idea. Fuck you.

[B]

I think it's interesting that we're trained to. In the beginning of our careers, we're trained to think that we need to impress the industry when it's the other way around. Yes, they need to impress us that we're like, they need to be showing us that they're valuable. But we're told, like, there's agents and managers here, you have to do your best. It's like, no, no. Like, why is, why are we like manipulated into thinking that there's a shift in the power dynamic? Do you know what I'm saying?

[C]

Yeah, that's what I'm most looking forward to is being. I'm not, I'm not gonna tell them to off but like people who don't answer my emails now or like people who like, I'm basically sucking with everything but sucking their dick. I can't wait for there to be like a little bit of a power switch. That's like all I'm, I'm so looking forward to.

[B]

But there can be that switch right now. You just have to know your value. Like you are the talent. They don't have a job without you.

[C]

Right. I don't have, I don't have any representation yet, so. But it's more like the clubs and the bookers and, and I get it, I get where they're coming from because I don't sell like a ton of tickets right now, but I'm looking forward to because I think I'm funnier than they give me credit for. But the fact that I don't sell out rooms or whatever they can, they can pull their little power moves with me and I have, I kind of, I feel like I kind of have to let them now. Maybe, I don't, I don't know. But the, When I, when I can finally do a Joey, like when you're like, oh, no, you know what? No free tickets or none of like all like just like weird stuff like that you can ask for. Like, I can't wait to have a rider. Like that's like just the idea of like not. Instead of clubs being like oh, you like? I was just at a club a few weeks ago. They're like, you get one drink per show? I don't drink. I drink like, Diet Cokes. And they were counting my Diet Cokes. And I want to be like, come on, man. Like, and then I want to go in. One club owner was telling me this last week. He's like, this one guy needed a bottle of tequila and a bottle of champagne for every show. And a bottle and a new pair of sneakers. But it was like. It was like Eddie Griffin or something. And I was like, I can't wait to call up a guy. Be like, I need a new pair of sneakers every show, and if it's not there, I'm not performing.

[A]

Sneakers come out of your paycheck.

[C]

That's what I said.

[A]

Don't think that they buy it. That's what they tell you.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

At the final rundown, you'll see the fucking sneakers and. Yeah, the fucking. The trip to get. You remember that white egg? Cause everybody wants egg whites. Oh, yes, we want an egg white. Can you get us an egg white omelette? And they'll bring you an egg white omelet at night. No, like, some guys do. Some dudes go to Miami improv and they stay in Fort Lauderdale and call the Miami club manager and go, hey, I'm in the mood for egg whites. Bacon. And they're like, okay. But that all comes out of your little checky poo at the end. You're thinking you're a killer. You're like, I get free sneakers. Keep thinking that. And they charge an extra hundred. You know, it's like, anything else to buy my sneakers? Yeah, like anything else. But I think you're right in one thing that I tried to tell Lee a couple weeks ago. You have to know your value. And you have to walk in there like, I don't like doing this, but you have to do it. You got to walk in there like Jackie Gleason, 100% polished, and you got a dime in your pocket. You know, and there's all those little things that will lift you mentally. Like, just because they're not lifting you to be a headliner doesn't mean you're not a headliner. It means you don't have the credits and stuff. And that's why I always tell young comics and they don't want to hear this shit. Listen, I know you don't want to act. I really know you don't want to act. Nobody does. Compared to stand up comedy, acting's a Fucking nightmare. Okay. But if you can make somebody like you at NYPD Blue or Law and Order, you get somebody who likes your. You'll do four Law and Orders a year as a co star. And that's what I want that club manager to see, that club owner to see. I saw Natalie Cuomo on. Because that puts you into a different league. You may not be a star. You had one line. You lit the guy's cigarette and you turned away. Doesn't matter. You're on an NBC show. So I gotta treat Natalie different. Unless this does go the other way.

[B]

Yeah, okay.

[A]

Not only that, all that, auditions. It helps you stand up, and at one point they just meet. It's not gonna happen after two months. It's gonna happen like 18 months after auditioning. You're gonna go again. How come I can't book nothing? And you're gonna figure it out and go in and then start booking. It's like everything else. You turn the switch on when you can't. It's like the battered woman, she leaves after that last punch to the head. You know what I'm saying? That last punch to the head. I could live without that last bunch.

[C]

How does that relate to acting?

[A]

I'm just saying. I don't even know. It's. It's. It all comes together. And that's what a lot of comics don't understand. It all comes together. But it's time. I'm going to blow your mind. I remember when I was doing comedy, 10 years, I'm like, yeah, I'm at the fucking Comedy Store. These bitches can't tell me shit. And I remember one night, I sat next to Mitzi. She was watching. Who, Pablo, what's his name? Pedro?

[C]

Francisco?

[A]

No, the other guy, Paul Rodriguez, is on stage. This had to be 20 years ago. And I'll never forget that. I sat next to her in the booth. She didn't say nothing. He was fucking destroying the room. I mean, destroying it. And she looked at me and I was feeling good about doing comedy. Ten years. And she goes, that's what you'll look like when you do comedy. 20 years. And I'm like, 20 fucking years. 10 more years of this shit. 10 more fucking years to get like that. But then it's 10 years go. It's like joining the Army. Like, I'm not joining because it's four years. How quick did this nine years in comedy go?

[B]

Really? Really.

[A]

You could have gotten 2 degrees right now. You could have been an attorney, a fucking president, you know? But you always go I don't have four years for law school, bitch, it's gonna blurp.

[B]

It's, it's crazy. I.

[A]

It's, it's crazy how fast it goes.

[B]

And all of a sudden you're like, wow, I've been to Fort Worth five times. This is bizarre.

[A]

Yeah, no, and that's. And then you have to start thinking like that. Wait a second. I've been doing comedy 10 years and I've been at Fort Worth five times. I gotta up my game. I gotta get to Paris, Texas. I gotta get somewhere else. Because that' you just keep challenging yourself. It's not about. Listen, you could be mad at all those bookers that don't talk to you, don't pick up your emails. I was, but I'm going to tell you what a better feeling is when they have to hire you. And now you walk into the club and they're like, we're happy to have you. And they start giving you that backpedaling bullshit and you give them that look. It's like that look. It's like that look you give your ex wife's husband at dinner, like you might be banging about put carrots in her ass. I'm saying like, like, like you got the upper hand.

[C]

Like you, you know that look, right,

[A]

Natalie, you know that look.

[B]

I've never heard that saying. And I'm obsessed with it.

[C]

That's a real experience that he had.

[A]

Think about it.

[B]

Have you put carrots in someone's ass before?

[A]

No, but it's part of one of my ex wife, my first ex wife. We went to war. And one day in passing, she was telling me that when she lived in Tempe, that the guy next door was putting carrots in his girlfriend's asshole. And I made a mental note of that.

[B]

Like this, that's crazy.

[A]

This is 1984. But I ended up marrying this girl and we had a child custody battle.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I still don't talk to my daughter over like 25 years old with this dirty bitch. So when I beat her in court the last time, as we were walking out, she was walking out with her then boyfriend, a guy who had like a Range Rover. He wore like the sweaters around his shirt.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

He couldn't handle what I had coming up. And at the court, we were walking out and I go, kathy, tell them how I used to put carrots in your ass. And bro, it was on. She turned around. What? Yeah, tell him. And I just kept talking over her. Tell him I used to put carrots in your ass. Little Ones, big ones, fucking all of them. And I would, john, John, you put a carrot in her ass, it's a fucking party. And I just kept going. Cause it was five years of me getting tortured by this woman, and she was torturing me because I had two felonies. And the third felony would be 25 years. And I'm like, I'm not gonna get involved in this shit. And finally one day I said, you know what? I'm fucking taking him down. And that's exactly what I did. I went after the boyfriend, smacked him, and the court got thrown out of court. So this is fine.

[B]

You smacked him?

[A]

Fuck yeah. But I smacked him. The silly limits of Boulder, and you can't use a racial reference. So he called me a spic, and I smacked him. So he got thrown out of court. So they had to walk out of court with a black eye, her crying.

[B]

And I said, carrots in her ass.

[A]

And I'm like, hey, tell them about the carrots in your ass. Tell them about Easter Sunday. I was just. I was just fucking going off. And it got to the point where he walked away from her. That was the best. Yeah, that was the best. And that was me letting her know. Motherfucker, I want.

[B]

Mm.

[A]

Okay. You ran your game for five years, but, like, again, the motive. Like, the man says, what's the dude saying? That movie, you could shoot 25 motherfuckers. Why shoot 25 motherfuckers when you got to shoot one?

[C]

Why run down there and shoot one? We can walk down there and shoot them all.

[A]

That's a different.

[C]

That's a different one.

[A]

All right. No, this is like, you know, it's an old expression. This is the same thing. It's like when your ex wife calls you up and go, let's go to dinner with my new man. And you're like, okay. And she's, like, looking at you with a bow tie, and you're like, you fucking faggot. I used to tie her up and spit her mouth, do all this crazy shit.

[B]

Did you do crazy shit?

[A]

No, no, no, no, no. I was talking to a friend of mine before, and we're talking about putting ice cubes in your mouth and eat a girl's pussy, right? And how you. You ever get that done to you?

[B]

No, I've never.

[A]

Tremendous.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. Just have him put the ice cube in his mouth and lick your little monkey. It numbs it. And then they pop it. And then what you do is you pop the ice cube in your monkey, suck it out, and give it to you to suck on for a little while so we get that sexual connection. You know what I'm saying?

[C]

I like how he just said he hadn't done anything freaky.

[B]

No, you obviously have. No, no.

[A]

Yeah. In my youth.

[B]

Okay. Okay.

[A]

I was a father. I can't do that shit to my wife. She don't approve of me. Why, are you crazy? She's a Christian and shit. I tell my wife, want to put ice cube in her ass, it's all over the shop. You gotta find the right woman to do that with. But, yeah, you did that girl. The worst thing I did was we used to do coke and. But that was it. I never did nothing kinky. I never tied her up or nothing like that. I didn't find out about that until I became a comedian. You learn that on the road? Women tell you, tie me up, spit my mouth, you know, do all this nasty. It's a different world out there.

[B]

It is.

[A]

I'm a. I'm a Catholic. I don't want to smack a girl in the face. Like, smack me in the face is wrong with you? I had a girlfriend. I punched her so hard New Year's Eve, she couldn't go out. She couldn't go out New Year's Eve?

[B]

Why?

[A]

Because she wanted me to tie her up and punch in the face.

[B]

You went a little too hard.

[A]

Well, she kept calling me a smack. Me. You. Oh, my God, I'm a Catholic. We finally had to let go. And New Year's Eve, she got that one eye.

[B]

She doesn't wear sunglasses.

[A]

She's the one that showed to Tampa. Crazy Carol. Crazy Carol? Yeah, Crazy Carol. That was a girl I started dating when I was 32. And I'm gonna tell you something like, you're from this area I went to. You know that? What's that place that we used to go to as kids? I know you heard about it over there. The fag bar in the city I used to talk about on stage. God damn it.

[C]

In the Meatpacking District with a guy dancing outside with a dick.

[A]

Yeah, okay.

[C]

What the fuck?

[A]

I saw a guy in a tub once with a sign that says, Spit on me. And people walk that? No, one of those. It was three floors. It was lesbians on the second floor. New York was buck wild. Ramrod.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Ramrods was a gay guy. A gay club in the Village by the Meat Packman district. Holy, the things you saw in there. But who are you going to do them to? You got to find the perfect animal. Then cocaine came along and cocaine Will let. Women will let you do trippy things when they did coke. And that was okay.

[B]

It was just okay.

[A]

But I started dating Carol when I was 32. I'm going to tell you something. The first month, that blew my mind.

[B]

Really.

[A]

She had a sugar Daddy at 25. She had gone around the world. So she's like, I'm up forever for whatever you're up to. Anal, my eyeballs. Whatever. Like, she was in, in. And I was like, this is crazy.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

She would go to the store and buy her own Vaseline. That's a woman, Jack. When they buy their own Vaseline, they tell you they got it on sale. Look, I got the Vaseline on sale for a dollar, off. But one time I was with an alley. I'll tell you this because you like all this creepy.

[B]

I do. Well, how do you know I like creepy?

[A]

Because I watch your material and I watch your jokes and. And I'm. There was this little cave in Seattle. It was like a river that you went to, and it was like a cave, and you just walked onto the river when you wanted to get wet or whatever. And there was other caves.

[B]

Wait, where was it?

[A]

Seattle, Washington.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

There's just a cave and a River, circa 1987.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

You go to this resort, and it's just a river, but they made, like, little caves, like, just like a bungalow. But it's in the rock. It's in the stone.

[B]

Okay. Okay.

[A]

So they took, like, bulldozer and took it out. And you put your towel in there if you don't want to be in the sun.

[B]

That's nice.

[A]

Put it out. So we're in there and we're drinking wine coolers, smoking dope. We're doing a couple lines of coke. It's two in the afternoon. It's the Lord's day. Lovely bikinis on. And she's sitting there with this strong bikini. She said something to me. She was pissed about something. And she turned around, it's like, fuck you. But she was looking at the river and her ass was right here. And I'm drinking this wine cooler. I'm looking at her ass, and I'm drinking this wine cooler. And I go, it's gonna get heavy now. And I just took the wine cooler and slit a little thong. And I just started playing with the wine cooler and her monkey just to see what happened, right? To see if she'd go, don't do that. She didn't say nothing. I just kept doing it. And finally I saw that it went in her, and I was Just like pushing the bottle in and out like a lunatic. And I'm starting to get fucking hot and sticky. She's all fucking hot and sticky. And next thing, I look at the bottle and as I pull out, blood comes into the bottle. Like the suction pulled out of period. I didn't know this. And I fainted. I fucking fainted because I thought I cut a pussy. That's 20 years. That's 20 fucking years. That's 20 fucking years. That's like putting a dildo in somebody's ass. Like in the 80s. What happened? The guy put a hot dog in his ass and was frozen. It broke. So, yeah, they go to the emergency room to take the hot dog out.

[B]

That's so scary.

[A]

Natalie. You got it. You want it? If you want it, you got it. I'll give it to you. Yeah. So, yeah, they used to. Fags used to put hot dogs in the frozen hot dogs and the hot dogs would break.

[B]

Why?

[A]

And I don't know, because they were frozen and you have a warm ass. I don't know. Like one of those Arabs on Times Square making a hot dog. I don't know nothing. And then I have to go to the hospital and take the other piece of hot dog removed out of their ass. Well, next time you want to laugh, hook up with a fucking emergency room doctor and take him out to dinner and start asking them creepy or quiet, what's the craziest thing you've seen? And they'll tell you some shit. Sex stuff. That's the craziest shit. They see a woman swallowed a ball. Like one of those balls they put in your mouth.

[B]

I'm like, what?

[C]

When was the last time you blushed? Natalie, you don't seem like someone who blushes a lot, but you're turning fucking. Both of you are turning bright red.

[A]

Natalie's thinking about who she's gonna make do this to her.

[C]

Exactly.

[A]

She's going, I gotta find the fucking victim.

[B]

I do. I need to find a hot dog.

[C]

And there's hot dogs right there.

[B]

There we go.

[A]

They cook. They'll bend. They'll bend like a dead dick. You look at. If you wanna. And I think they would get those. No, they put pepperonis up their ass. That's why they would break

[B]

pepperoni. That's thicker.

[A]

I know. And it would their ass like a bunch of Italian gay guys in Brooklyn.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Well, yeah. There's a whole world out there. You haven't touched on that. It's fucking waiting for you.

[B]

I feel so naive.

[A]

No, you're hell on wheels yourself. You were saying something about a month ago, I watched something that you were making love to a guy, and he said something and. And you're like, we'll do it this way. I'm like, what the fuck is she talking.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

I don't know what it was. No, no, no, no, no. What the fuck were you saying?

[B]

I know. I know what you're talking about.

[A]

I know the other joke about that you woke up and you farted and sperm was in your ass or something like that. I'm like, what the fuck is she talking about? You woke up drunk and you didn't know if you had sex, but then you farted and something came. I was dying. I'm like, fucking Natalie.

[C]

How did you come up with that one? Natalie?

[A]

It happens. She lives life, dog.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

Just the last thing you want to do is hook up with Natalie because eventually somewhere she's going to come up in her act. You're going to come up as the 22nd man or something like that.

[C]

Do any guys get mad at you? Like, don't tell. Don't talk about this.

[B]

They'll be like, really? That was your experience?

[C]

Oh, they think they killed it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's where you really laugh when girls talk to you.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Like, oh, my God. I went with this guy last week.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Cologne on. He took Viagra. His dick wouldn't come out. It was. And that's. I couldn't even imagine. I have a friend, and she told me she went on a date with a guy, and she goes, we were hot to trot, ready to fuck. I didn't know. She goes, I brought Cuban food. And she goes, when he came in the room, he smelt the Cuban food. He passed out. He couldn't smell it. It got him sick. Like, whenever I smell, like Indian food, I get the same thing. Like when I went up to those buildings up there, they used to make, like, a paste.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I wanted to taste it, smell good. But it was like, I don't even know what I'm talking about.

[C]

The guy who passed out of the smell of Cuban food, America.

[A]

Yeah, he's passed out.

[B]

But what? Why?

[C]

I don't know.

[A]

He was sick or something like that. He just passed out. The ambulance had to come. Can you imagine that? You're gonna hook up with a guy

[B]

and then he just passes out?

[A]

His. Passes the out, like low sugar or some.

[B]

He smelled. Are you sure that's why he passed out?

[A]

That's what she told me.

[B]

Right Right.

[A]

But it's just so rough, man. But I. I admire you. I admire a lot of women comics, because I fucking know how hard it is. And I know a girl like you walks into a comedy club, next you know, she's got 20 helpers that want to help her write material. We'll get you to the top.

[B]

Ooh, let's write together.

[A]

Yeah, let's do this. Oh, my God.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. So keep in touch with me. Let me know what's going. I'm always watching you.

[B]

You're the best.

[A]

I came clean with you tonight. I've been watching you.

[B]

Yes? Yes.

[A]

And I haven't seen you in years.

[B]

I know.

[A]

That's my girl.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

So when I heard you were doing the benefit, I was kind of happy, but I was mad at you. But I forgive you.

[B]

Thank you for being honest.

[A]

Yeah. No more boyfriends on the road.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

They stay or you keep in the hotel room. Shut your fucking mouth. Stay in the fucking room. Mama gets back. Stay in the room. And iron those panties for Mama.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

Got any dates you want to plug?

[B]

Yeah, I've got my Europe tour coming up starting in April 26th, and then I'll be in Europe in the UK and then I also have Portland, Maine, this coming weekend, and then Charlotte, North Carolina, the weekend after that.

[A]

When you're leaving me.

[B]

How long? Yeah, I'm going to be away for a couple weeks.

[A]

Are you doing comedy in Israel? No. What's the problem?

[B]

That's big money, you know, it's just not on my. Not on my list.

[A]

A little helmet on. You do it under the dome. You know what I'm saying? Lights. Look at the lights.

[B]

Not really thinking about that these days.

[A]

I would love to do a show in Israel.

[B]

You would?

[A]

Oh, fuck. Yeah.

[B]

Well, I'm sure you could if you wanted.

[A]

I have no passport. What? The felonies. But.

[B]

Oh, wait, you can't leave the.

[A]

No, I gotta get a new passport. They won't give it to me because I got a felony warrant in Seattle.

[B]

Why?

[A]

Because I put the bottle in that girl's. No, I had a board. This is 95 for.

[B]

Were you afraid the bottle broke? But it didn't.

[A]

That's what I thought it was. I thought it cracked and I cut her.

[B]

That would be terrifying.

[A]

We. When her and I broke up, we fought on a. On a street in Hollywood, off of Sunset. She had Mace in one hand and I had a pot roast in the other, and I was gonna hit her with the fucking pot roast if I

[B]

get my hands, Mace and a Pot roast.

[A]

She had mace shooting at me, and I had a pot roast. You fucking bitch. Don't you hit me with that fucking mace.

[B]

That is amazing.

[C]

You guys always fought with food. There was soup, pot roast, mashed potatoes, mashed potato.

[A]

No, that's. That's the mashed potato chick. Pokey. That's her name. Stacy Pokelluto. Pokey. She's a publicist, not a good cook. Anytime you want to come on, you got an open anything. Thank you for having me lunch. You know, wine bottles. We love you here.

[B]

You're the best.

[A]

I love you. Thank you for coming on, Lee. What do you got, baby boy?

[C]

Thursday night, I think I'm with you at the dojo. And then I'm at Grizzly Paris. Saturday, I'm headlining Parkville Market in Hartford for.

[A]

All right. Headlining?

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Look at Lely trying.

[C]

It's a brewery. It's fun. I've done it twice before, and it's a lot of fun. Really excited.

[A]

Well, I love you guys. I got nothing. We got Nashville Comedy Festival at the Ryman Theater, November 18th. That sold out Brooklyn. And that's it. And then I got April 15th, and then I got surgery on the 23rd. And I'll be playing Twitch with Natalie by May 5th. By the time she gets back from Europe, we'll be doing it because I got a new fanny. Got me a new PlayStation, too. Oh, yeah. Going all in.

[C]

Nice.

[A]

All in. I gotta learn how to do this shit.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Thank you. You're beautiful. Love you guys. Have a great week. Stay, Sam.