Josh Wolf Returns!

Summary

Podcast Summary: "The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament" Episode: Josh Wolf Returns!
Release Date: August 12, 2025
Hosts: Joey Coco Diaz & Lee Syatt
Guest: Josh Wolf

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Introduction

In this lively episode of "The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament," hosts Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt reunite with their long-time comedy friend, Josh Wolf. The trio delves deep into personal anecdotes, the evolving landscape of stand-up comedy, and their own tumultuous journeys within the entertainment industry.

The Dreaded Vacation

Joey Diaz kicks off the conversation by expressing his disdain for vacations, particularly criticizing the structure of the school year in states like Florida and Nashville. He shares his frustration with the short summer break, chronicling experiences like his abrupt return to work with a sunburn.

Notable Quote:
Joey Diaz at [01:18]: "I'd rather work the whole summer than have the summer off and then have to go back in September. Like, fuck, now I gotta go back to this job and do this shit all over again."

Lee Syatt, contrasting Joey’s viewpoint, mentions the appealing aspects of a structured school schedule but acknowledges the challenges faced by teachers.

The Comedy Hustle

The conversation shifts to the world of stand-up comedy. Joey and Josh reminisce about their early days on stage, the intensity of performing multiple sets weekly, and the discipline required to succeed. They discuss the decline in live comedy's popularity and the oversaturation of comedians in today's digital age.

Notable Quote:
Josh Wolf at [24:43]: "Our only goal, dude, was to be comedians. It wasn't to be Internet famous."

Joey emphasizes the importance of focusing on being funny rather than chasing fame, highlighting how the modern emphasis on social media has diluted the art of stand-up.

Personal Struggles and Growth

Joey opens up about his personal battles, including past addictions and the impact they've had on his relationships and career. He shares stories of his weight struggles, confrontations with friends, and the toll of maintaining a demanding comedy schedule.

Notable Quote:
Joey Diaz at [51:15]: "It's a one of my conflicts. I get up at 6:30, I drink a cup of coffee, I sit on my balcony."

Josh empathizes with Joey's experiences, discussing his own challenges in maintaining authenticity in his comedy amidst personal turmoil.

The Evolution of Comedy

Both Joey and Josh critique the current state of comedy, lamenting the lack of diversity and originality in modern acts. They nostalgically recall influential comedians like Lenny Clarke and George Carlin, noting how today's comedians often rely on social media metrics rather than honing their craft.

Notable Quote:
Joey Diaz at [27:06]: "This is my rifle. There's many like it, but this one is mine. Listen to those words. But this one is mine. This is your journey."

They advocate for a return to the fundamentals of comedy, focusing on personal storytelling and genuine humor over viral content.

Memorable Stories and Anecdotes

The episode is rich with vivid and often outrageous stories from Joey and Josh's past. From unconventional acts like blowing a whistle in restaurants and dealing with disruptive audience members, to chaotic personal relationships and wild party nights, their tales offer a raw glimpse into the highs and lows of their lives.

Notable Quote:
Joey Diaz at [82:17]: "She's dead serious. I just looked at her like, I would have let him lick my ass for 60 bucks. You know what I'm saying, Dog?"

These anecdotes not only entertain but also underscore the resilience and adaptability required to thrive in the unpredictable world of comedy.

Reflections and Future Directions

As the conversation winds down, Joey and Josh reflect on their careers, the importance of discipline, and the need to adapt to changing times without losing their comedic edge. They discuss upcoming projects, including Josh's new special and Joey's plans to further refine his stand-up routines.

Notable Quote:
Lee Syatt at [95:34]: "When are you touring?"

Joey responds with enthusiasm about his upcoming gigs and the continuous evolution of his material, hinting at a resurgence of vulnerability and personal storytelling in his acts.

Conclusion

The episode wraps up with a blend of humor and heartfelt reflections, showcasing the enduring friendship between Joey, Josh, and Lee. Their candid discussions offer valuable insights into the challenges of maintaining authenticity in comedy and the personal sacrifices made in pursuit of their passions.

Final Quote:
Joey Diaz at [97:15]: "And I got my security guard at the."

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Key Takeaways

• Work vs. Leisure: Joey Diaz challenges conventional notions of work-life balance, advocating for unwavering dedication over traditional vacations.
• Stand-Up Challenges: The trio emphasizes the increasing difficulty of making a mark in modern comedy amidst digital distractions and oversaturation.
• Personal Resilience: Both Joey and Josh highlight the importance of personal struggles in shaping their comedic styles and maintaining their authenticity.
• Evolving Comedy Scene: There's a call to return to the roots of stand-up comedy, focusing on genuine humor and personal stories rather than chasing internet fame.

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Joey Diaz [01:18]: "I'd rather work the whole summer than have the summer off and then have to go back in September. Like, fuck, now I gotta go back to this job and do this shit all over again."
• Josh Wolf [24:43]: "Our only goal, dude, was to be comedians. It wasn't to be Internet famous."
• Joey Diaz [27:06]: "This is my rifle. There's many like it, but this one is mine. Listen to those words. But this one is mine. This is your journey."
• Joey Diaz [51:15]: "It's a one of my conflicts. I get up at 6:30, I drink a cup of coffee, I sit on my balcony."
• Joey Diaz [82:17]: "She's dead serious. I just looked at her like, I would have let him lick my ass for 60 bucks. You know what I'm saying, Dog?"
• Joey Diaz [97:15]: "And I got my security guard at the."

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This episode offers a blend of humor, raw honesty, and insightful commentary on the state of comedy today. Joey Diaz, Lee Syatt, and Josh Wolf provide listeners with an engaging and unfiltered look into their lives, making it a must-listen for fans seeking both laughs and meaningful conversations.

Transcript

[Joey Diaz]

Kick this mule. What's up, beautiful people? I'm here with my main man Lee Cyak for another fun filled episode of the Church of what's Happened Now? New edition. It's Tuesday, the 12th of August.

[Lee Syatt]

Isn't that crazy?

[Joey Diaz]

The month is flying. The kids, I think in Florida, they're already at school. Oh yeah, that's it. Florida, Nashville, kids already at school starting it. Flew by this summer, dog.

[Lee Syatt]

My cousins lived in Florida when I grew up and I used to like that. Used to blow my mind that they were in school in August. That would suck.

[Joey Diaz]

Sweating your ass off. The last two weeks, make them believe you want to be there. Then you gotta go to school for Labor Day and then come back. Like just start school after Labor Day. That destroys it. So I'm in school for two weeks and I got my first vacation and it's a Monday and I gotta come back on Tuesday, like half with a sunburn. Just let me go back to the.

[Lee Syatt]

Sometimes now they'll have you go like the Wednesday and then like you'll go for like two days and then you have the long weekend for Labor Day. They, they, they with you. That's, that's like a job like I sort of regret not doing as a teacher like that. I know it's a pain in the ass, but the schedule is awesome.

[Joey Diaz]

No, it's not.

[Lee Syatt]

You know, you wouldn't like that be done by three.

[Joey Diaz]

No, there's so many comic books done by three. They're done by three. You got to stay and mark papers and grade this and do that second.

[Lee Syatt]

Grade, so there's no papers.

[Joey Diaz]

Well, okay, but you still gotta fucking work. You still gotta deal with those fucking kids.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, that part's tough.

[Joey Diaz]

You still got snots and kids are different. They're not respectful. And so what? You got two months off in the summer. How bad do you feel in September? I'd rather work the whole summer than have the summer off and then have to go back in September. Like, fuck, now I gotta go back to this job and do this shit all over again.

[Lee Syatt]

Really? I would love two months off every. You wouldn't like that. You don't like vacations?

[Joey Diaz]

I don't like vacations. What am I gonna do? Sit around?

[Lee Syatt]

I never understood. It's the. That's why you work so hard, is to take a break.

[Joey Diaz]

What break? There's no breaks. What do you mean, what break? What breaks? People who take breaks end up dead. There's no breaks.

[Lee Syatt]

Everyone ends up dead.

[Joey Diaz]

So take some breaks. But on your, on your Time. Not on world's time. There's no break, Lee. You know why I don't like breaks? Because everybody's always complaining. You know, seven out of people complain about money issues right now. Yeah, and seven and eight out of 10 people complain about their career. But you got the audacity to go on a vacation. You know, I love stand up comedy. The only thing I don't like about stand up comedy, that I never liked. That's why it's very weird that I did it, because I don't like telling you what I'm gonna do in two weeks on a Saturday. Leave me the fuck alone. You know what I'm saying? Don't call me on a fucking well, October 23rd, I'm getting married. That's your business. That's got nothing to do with me. It's my son's birthday. That's got nothing to do with me. Okay? It really doesn't. I mean, so. But every day you get a call on who's hurting financially, who's doing this, and then you have the people that. What about this? So your girlfriend, that goofy bitch, right? Cause everybody's got a goofy fucking bitch girlfriend that has horrible ideas, but she sucks our dick and they talk us into it. So how about next April we go to Caracas, Venezuela, and you just got your dick sucked. You're like, oh, yeah, that would be great. Oh, my God, I always wanted to go to fucking Caracas. Okay? And that's a great vacation. I'm not lying to you. You want to. You know, this is what you work for. But what if three weeks before Caracas, your cat dies, you. Your car blows up and you lost your job? Are you still gonna go on that vacation? White people do. Let's still go. What are we gonna do here? So the whole 10 days I'm thinking about where I'm gonna work. I miss my cat, and what am I gonna drive when I get back? That's not a fucking vacation. That's what I don't like. I don't know what's gonna happen next March. How much do they want? $100. I'll lose $100 to fucking panda somebody. Like, yeah, maybe I'll go. But for me to give you $8,000, and I don't know what's gonna happen next March. And all of a sudden, March comes along. My mother just died, my uncle's in the hospital, my girlfriend's got a foot that got cut off, and you want me to go on vacation? It's not gonna work. It's not Gonna work. Life isn't that easy. And there's people who still take off in that situation. Well, yeah, those are idiots who worry about that. Like, somebody called me last year and, like, I'm going on vacation, but I'm concerned. My parents are real. My father's really sick. He's on his deathbed. That's when the vacation gets canceled. Because I would never want to be on a vacation and get to call that my dad died.

[Lee Syatt]

That's fair.

[Joey Diaz]

So three days later, I gotta get back on a plane. Now I gotta go back crying, you know, on the fucking plane like a faggot. For what? For what? And that's what I don't like about vacations. That I don't know what's going to be happening at that time. Yeah. On paper, anything. You know us as comedians, right? Plan something. Plan something. As a comic, plan something. Because the day you go, your girlfriend's like, let's do August 23rd. Okay? August 23rd, that's the day Tarantino calls you. Kimmel calls you. That's Friday. That Friday before you leave is a day. Name the biggest director today. He calls you and says, I have four days for you in a movie. They start Sunday. And now you gotta look at your cunt family and go, oh, looks like you're going on your own. I didn't want to go to Disneyland. Anywhere. I didn't want to go anywhere. I didn't want to go anywhere. That's in my mind all the time. That's the type of guy I am. I don't want to miss nothing. When we grew up in North Bergen, you didn't want to go home. You did not want to go home. Did you ever want to go home when you were in high school because you didn't want to wake up the next day and go, bro, after you left, a chick pulled up and sucked everybody's dick. And you're like, God damn it, I should have done that paper, that book report on trigonometry or whatever. So we were raised not to go home. So you understand all these little things. That's why I don't like vacations.

[Lee Syatt]

I totally get it.

[Joey Diaz]

But why?

[Lee Syatt]

I get the business thing, but, like, before that, every scenario was, like, worse. Like, if you go on a vacation, the world's gonna end. Like, what if the world doesn't end?

[Joey Diaz]

Like you said.

[Lee Syatt]

Like, my mom died. My cat died.

[Joey Diaz]

Right. But no, no, no, no, no. Think about it. When you. Let's say right now, you talk to your girlfriend, and she goes, this weekend we want to go to Saratoga. That's fine. It's Monday, you know, I don't know what I'm gonna feel like, but, oh, yes, you just did. On Monday, I'll tell you whatever the fuck you want to hear about Saturday, you know? But as Thursday comes along, you got an audition Monday. I got no time to hold hands and walk around the town, oh, my God, let's go look at the museum. I don't have time for that shit. I don't have time. And I've never had time for that. I've never had. I've been one of those guys that we cry when we don't have what we want, but to get it, we're gonna take a vacation. Now, that doesn't fly with me at all. Because if you're gonna come back from that vacation going, I don't know what's going on with my comedy. Well, you went on vacation for a week. That's what happened to your comedy. You went on vacation. You thought you earned the right to go on a fucking vacation. And at the end of the day, none of us earned the fucking right to go on a vacation. None of us. None of us. There's a number that you have to earn to go on a vacation. It's unrealistic. So that means you're never gonna go on a fucking vacation. I need to make $8 million in the month of March. Never gonna happen. So I'm not going on vacation unless I mug Jeff Bezos.

[Lee Syatt]

What if you make seven?

[Joey Diaz]

I ain't going on vacation. The goal was eight.

[Lee Syatt]

Jesus Christ.

[Joey Diaz]

That's how you have to treat yourself? Who the fuck am I to go swing somewhere when I owe on my credit card? I have a mortgage and I have all these things in my life. Who the fuck am I to go hang out with white people and. And drink cocktails and. And. And before you drink them, honey, we're gonna put this on the Visa card. So that's not a vacation, right?

[Lee Syatt]

That's.

[Joey Diaz]

That's not a vacation. A vacation to me is. And we got 20 chicks coming from all over the world, and they all gotta sign NDAs. Cause they're dying anyway, right? We're killing them anyway on the boat, right? They're not making it back to tell an Epstein story or nothing. That's what people gonna learn from this Epstein list. No more stories. Once you finish with them, you kill them all. That's it. You want to come to an orgy? Just know. Prepare to die. Sign your will before you come in. Because you ain't going home. That's it. I hope people learned all this shit from Puffy and Diddy and Diddy and fucking Epstein. And the island where Carlos lay there, what was that? Paradise Cove. Where they were doing coke and doing abortions. Women were so coked up, they were doing abortions. Fresh. Like they were just ripping the fucking baby out of your snatch with cocaine. What was the name of Pablo Escobar? Not Pablo. Carlos Laydell had an island, remember? Between Colombia and Miami. Carlos Laydell bought a fucking island and it was filled with cocaine. Carlos Lada was one of the guys from the Medellin cartel that thought he was fucking philosophical. He was half German and half Colombian, so he was. He loved Hitler. So he would fucking get coked up and talk about Hitler and fucking all this shit. And once he lost his mind, the cartel got together when the United States said, we're going to go, Norman's Cay. When the United States got together, they go, what are we going to do? When the. The cartel got together and go, look, we could end this. Just give him. Carlos lay there, he's fucking crazy anyway. He's crazy. He lives on an island, he's having orgies, fucking killing kids, women, people fucking sucking. They were bringing the coke there and leaving like 10 kilos and he was snorting it all.

[Lee Syatt]

Do you think it was really good coke, Dog?

[Joey Diaz]

It was an island with coke and nobody to watch you whether the coke was good or bad. I'm having a good time. Somebody's dying. You know what I'm saying? Somebody's dying. All these people want to party, but nobody wants to die. Like when I was a kid, people OD'd right? At a party, they OD'd. They fuckin lost a fucking leg. That's a party.

[Lee Syatt]

I don't think they went to the.

[Joey Diaz]

Party looking at sit there at DJs down the shore. Oh yeah. To some black rapper with an organ and a stick. Dink, dink, yeah, you looking good. Think, think. And then what the fuck? What the fuck. So anyway, we're talking about no vacations now. We're talking about black people. I don't know how that. And nobody's going to Jamaica anyway. That's why. That's the way I've always thought, Lee.

[Lee Syatt]

I mean, do you ever, looking back, do you ever be like, I should maybe like a one week, like I'm going to tell you, I do agree. I've never.

[Joey Diaz]

Knock on wood.

[Lee Syatt]

I've never had credit card debt. So like that. I've been Very good about that. And that I agree with. But, like, if you can afford, you know, three days in Tampa, why Tampa?

[Joey Diaz]

I don't want to go. I don't.

[Lee Syatt]

Because every vacation was, like, to the south of France, and I'm going, $100,000 in debt. I'm talking about, like, let's go to the beach for five days and, I don't know, chill, Go to Waffle House.

[Joey Diaz]

I went down to that. North Carolina. That fucking armpit.

[Lee Syatt]

I forgot about that. You did go on vacation in the last couple years.

[Joey Diaz]

That sucked. That shit sucked for a guy like me. You know what I like? You know what a vacation is for me? Just going to a nice hotel, eating, going on the balcony, smoking dope, torturing somebody. Torturing somebody. Smoking pot outside and watching security and then leaving, like, a little joint in the ashtray and then going to the front desk and going, do you smell marijuana? I'm a Christian. I do not like the smell of marijuana in my hotel. That's fun.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah. So I see. That is fantastic. So you just want to go alone and torture people? Just in, like, new locations. You just want to torture random people.

[Joey Diaz]

I get to an age that when I was younger, I liked torturing people. But I'm getting to an age since I have no friends, I don't talk to them. Like, I didn't talk to anybody all weekend. So I basically just tortured people. I took my daughter's softball whistle. That fucking whistle. The problems I caused with that whistle. I went to my buddy's restaurant, Eddie Bart. What was the name of Eddie Bart's restaurant out in the Little Ferry? Fucking great restaurant. I'm sitting there, Hackensack. Does it matter, George? I don't even know the name of it. So I'm sitting there with Eddie Bart, and I'm blowing this whistle, and every time I blow the whistle, he's a general manager. He's getting up and looking around for two hours. They thought the fire alarm was going off.

[Josh Wolf]

Oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

Every time they would settle, I'd do another beep, beep. And they get up and they run the fucking restaurant. He didn't know until I did the podcast a week later. And he listened to it, and I talked about the whistle. So Saturday night, I went out with a couple to dinner, a young couple. I met her five years ago. She's the first person I met in Marlboro. Then she introduced me to her boyfriend. I'm tighter with the boyfriend now than I am with her because he has a health food store. So I see Him a lot more. So they invited me out Saturday night. And at first I was like, I don't know. And I met him. I had the last two edibles. I had two 500 milligram edibles and I had some Enigma mushrooms. And I ate half the bag. But I haven't been eating mushrooms. So they kind of give you that euphoric for about a half hour. So I was eating in this restaurant. I ordered the Italian fried rice, they got Italian fried rice. And I'm eating the fried rice and I'm fucking tripping. I'm getting high on the edibles. And the guy gave me a steak knife by mistake. So I'm just sitting there. Every five minutes, I just pick up the steak knife and go, ha. The people next to me were going crazy every time I said ha. And I broke the whistle out by myself and I just started doing the beep beep. And everybody's looking around. I'm like. And I'm calling the waiter over going, what's that whistle? Let me find out what it is. He's running the restaurant. That's what I giggle upon. Oh, my God. That's what I like doing.

[Lee Syatt]

Dude, I forgot that Terry and Mercy were gone. You alone for a few days must be like. That must be the craziest thing that anyone's ever like. You just left to your own devices. How long did it take you to break the whistle out? How many days were you alone?

[Joey Diaz]

Until Thursday night. I took the whistle out and they left Thursday morning. Hold on. Let's go to our break. Let's bring in our guests and we'll continue this conversation. I want to talk to you a little bit about Lucy Gum. All right, we'll be right back. Hey, guys, Uncle Joey here. Listen, if your current nicotine pouches taste like something you find at the bottom of your grandfather's drawer, it's time for an upgrade. Lucy breakers brings nicotine pouches to the next level. Jack with a flavor capsule inside each of them that can break to release a wave of flavor which with options like berry citrus espresso, mango apple cider. There's a flavor for every mood. Me, I'm a berry citrus type of guy. You can even get a subscription to ensure that you'll never run out of these little Lucy little freezers there. Let's level up your nicotine routine with Lucy. Go to Lucy Co Church C H U R C H and use promo code church c h u r c h to get 20% off your first order. 20%. Lucy even has a 30 day refund policy. So if you change your mind again, that's okay. Lucy co church and use code church to get 20% off. And here comes the fine print. Lucy products are only for adults of legal age. Every order is age verified. And this product contains nicotine. And if you didn't know it, nicotine is an addictive chemical. Yo, Uncle Joey here. You ever have a gut feeling something's going to happen? You know it's going to happen. Well, here's your chance to see if your gut is right. UFC 319 is blowing back to the Windy City for the first time in six years. Check out the fight card and get it on the action with DraftKings Sportsbook, the official sports betting partner of the UFC. If you're new to DraftKings, check this out. Ready? New customers, you bet $5. That's it. If you win, you're going to get 200 in bonus bets instantly. New customers who bet $5 will get 200 in bonus bets instantly. 200, just like that. And football is right around the corner. It's an awesome way to get started. So finally, put your money where your mouth is. Turn that gut feeling into real cash. Jack. Don't miss out on UFC 319 action overs, Hyundai overs, unders, parlays, knockouts. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app right now, tonight or today, and press in Code Joey. J O, E Y. That's Code Joey. For new customers to get 200 in bonus bets instantly. When you just bet cinco dollars. Only at DraftKings, where you know the crown is yours, Jack. Good luck this Saturday.

[Josh Wolf]

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[Joey Diaz]

Boyd.

[Josh Wolf]

In Ontario, bonus bets expire seven days after issuance for additional terms on responsible gaming resources.

[Joey Diaz]

We're back. Don't forget, try Lucy Gump. Our guest today is a friend of mine, my longest comedy friend that's still doing comedy. Mr. Josh Wolf. What's happening, brother? What's up?

[Josh Wolf]

Dude?

[Joey Diaz]

30 fucking years.

[Josh Wolf]

I know, man.

[Joey Diaz]

We saw comedy. Go change. People died.

[Josh Wolf]

You know what, though? Like, people definitely died.

[Joey Diaz]

Well, that lady up in Seattle that wouldn't book me, and then she. Your ex Manager.

[Josh Wolf]

My old manager. The Woman who? Laura. Laura?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. God rest her soul.

[Josh Wolf]

Yeah, Laura. You talking about Laura?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, Laura. I forgot her last name.

[Josh Wolf]

She didn't have Ron's last name.

[Joey Diaz]

No, she didn't. She didn't. She.

[Josh Wolf]

Crocker.

[Joey Diaz]

Laura Crocker. Yeah. She wouldn't book me, but I would call every Wednesday and go, hey, can I do a guest set at your club? And she would fucking cringe. I guess you can. And then the club would say, why don't you ever work here? I don't know. Laura don't like me.

[Josh Wolf]

She did like a one nighter or something in the bunch of.

[Joey Diaz]

She had a bunch of one nighters.

[Josh Wolf]

Yeah, but Pat Wilson loved you.

[Joey Diaz]

Pat Wilson? Yeah. Until she found out I was getting paid and not showing to her gigs she had that Friday at the army base. I just stopped showing up, dude. I just stopped.

[Josh Wolf]

That Friday at the army base was brutal.

[Joey Diaz]

Horrible, horrible, horrible. I just stopped going down there. I don't want to get paid 25 bucks to get put on a firing line.

[Josh Wolf]

Dude. It's the only place. It's the only place anyone threw a. Somebody threw a bottle at me from the crowd.

[Joey Diaz]

It was a firing line. They were gonna shoot you for 25. I stopped going. I kept getting the checks. She's like, did you go? How was the show? It was great. I never went. I didn't go for like three or four weeks. It was just 25 bucks a week.

[Josh Wolf]

Place was one of the roughest shows. The fact that they knew that they might throw bottles. And nobody ever interfered. Nah, not once.

[Joey Diaz]

Then we had the comedy room with the parrot behind us.

[Josh Wolf]

Dude, I've never seen. I was telling somebody this story the other day. I've never seen you angrier on stage than when that parrot started making noises.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, my God. Cause you're trying to. Dude, I have enough time telling jokes and remembering my jokes. And I got a parrot behind me going, johnny, wanna crack it?

[Josh Wolf]

Yo. And this was. I'm assuming at this time, too, you had a. Where you always had coke in you. You were not a calm dude.

[Joey Diaz]

No.

[Josh Wolf]

And when that parrot started just yet, you were like, I'm gonna kill this parrot. You're like, how, mom, you don't have to pay me and I'm gonna kill this parrot. Dude, I. Listen to me.

[Joey Diaz]

The.

[Josh Wolf]

The. I was talking to you about this earlier, but we did comedy together when it was still just fun.

[Joey Diaz]

Fun. Listen, comedy is very fun. I mean, the new generation, it's gotta be a nightmare for them because they're coming up knowing that if you get enough views on YouTube, somebody will hire you. If you, you know, light your dick on fire on Instagram and get 3 million people, 10% of that is 300,000, right? 3,300,000. 30,000, something like that, it's still enough people to rock and roll with. And they're all confused. They don't know really where to go. And I tell Lee constantly, this is just about getting funny right now. This area, this year one to year 12, is basically you listening. Ha ha. Yeah. Oh, really? You got a Netflix special. How great of you. Listen, it's not anybody else's journey. It's your journey. I was watching that stupid movie the other day.

[Josh Wolf]

Which one?

[Joey Diaz]

And it made a lot of sense to me. Full Metal Jacket. Listen to what the Marines teach you. This is my rifle. There's many like it, but this one is mine. Okay? Listen to those words. But this one is mine. This is your journey. Whether you're fucking a ballet, stand up, you know, jiu jitsu, karate, whatever you're doing, it's your journey. Once you start comparing it to Lee's or Josh's or Nick, that's where your journey ends. And that's what I have to remove from the younger generation of comedy, that everybody's moving at a different pace right now. And, dog, listen, when I got to LA the first six months, those were the most hurtful feelings of my life.

[Josh Wolf]

How come?

[Joey Diaz]

Because you were going to this place to see a guy that was on tv. I was raised in comedy. That if you were on tv, on a sitcom, you were not just funny on stage, you were a dangerous fucking man. Okay? I would go see all those guys that were on TV shows those days, and I would rip their hearts out. The first three minutes, they couldn't even run with me. And that's what gave me confidence. I'm like, these guys aren't as funny as I fucking thought. And then there were guys that just picked up roles in movies that you were like, he's a lot better than me because he was in the movie. Then you went to see him, and you're like, this guy blows. This guy blows. This is terrible fucking comedy. You don't have that. Like, you can't gauge yourself with that no more. Listen, I could be the best actor in the world going to an audition now. And if I don't have 300,000 people on Instagram and a guy less than me has 10 million, he gets to roll.

[Josh Wolf]

But you know what else that we didn't have to deal with that they kind of do. Because there wasn't. Especially when we first started, dude, there was no, like, carrot of. Oh, if you do this, you could make a shit ton of money tomorrow. So we took a real slow drip approach to the learning because that's what it was. It was spot. It was all about spots and only about spots because there was nothing else. Right now it's not just spots. It's spot content, likes all this other shit that we didn't have.

[Joey Diaz]

So your focus is on being funny and writing.

[Josh Wolf]

This is what I'm saying.

[Joey Diaz]

That's it.

[Josh Wolf]

Agree.

[Joey Diaz]

Being funny and writing.

[Josh Wolf]

But our only goal, dude, was to be comedians. It wasn't to be Internet famous.

[Joey Diaz]

No. It was just to fame.

[Josh Wolf]

It was just to be comedians.

[Joey Diaz]

There was none of that.

[Josh Wolf]

It was different.

[Joey Diaz]

It was different, but still, like I told young comics all the time, listen, avoid. If I knew what I knew now. Avoid social media for a. Right now. Yeah, avoid it. You're not doing nothing. If you're just gonna put a reel of you doing stand up. If you're gonna put a piece of you in a comedy club behind you to show the audience, don't do it, because everybody's doing it right now. You gotta figure out something else if you're a comedian. Listen, tickets are not moving like they used to for a lot of people. And not just lower names, higher names. It's just not happening. They're looking at these $400 ticket price and going, dog, you know, mm, what the fuck? So something's gotta happen with comedy. And we all know what's gonna happen with comedy pretty soon. There's just too many comedians, there's too many clubs, and there's not much going on.

[Josh Wolf]

But you know what I think is missing, dude from comedy. What I think is missing also is, like, there's. There became like this. This is what comedy is.

[Joey Diaz]

What.

[Josh Wolf]

If you go back to the lineups that Mitzi used to put on, there's no Heath Heightches now. There's. Do you know what I mean? There's nobody. She celebrated every different type. And I think that is missing right now. It's all. I mean, it's not all the same comic, but it's all the same comedy. Do. We don't have those dudes Heath High school, when we were. When we.

[Joey Diaz]

Where is he?

[Josh Wolf]

I don't know, man. He was legitimately funny. And to be funny in 15 minutes with all of that stuff was very difficult. He was a prop guy.

[Joey Diaz]

Prop guy. But he had a prop dog that he played a preacher, a black preacher. Yeah, dude. And he had white women behind him. He controlled them with fucking. Yeah, they were like eagle arms. And you controlled them and shit. And they would pop their heads. Yeah, he did some crazy shit. First of all, I was watching George Carlin the other night.

[Josh Wolf]

Which one?

[Joey Diaz]

I'm a big George Carlin fan.

[Josh Wolf]

You're not?

[Joey Diaz]

No, but I actually watched it for like, 20 minutes. Let's get down to basics, okay? Right now, we're living in a time where we all sound the same. The top guys are not doing anything spectacular. They're not doing anything spectacular. I'm not doing anything spectacular. Nobody's really doing anything spectacular. We're all at. We've been around for 20, 30 fucking years, okay? So, you know, I'm waiting for that material to blow out of my ass, too. I'm waiting every day I sit there and go, I've been doing the same shit I did for 30 years. It's just not doing it no more. Yeah, it's not doing it no more.

[Josh Wolf]

But this is why I like when I hear people like Marin talked shit about Matt Rife. You sound like an old dude on the porch, man. Country music. Isn't Hank just Hank Williams now? Right? It evolved. And comedy is not just. It evolves also, right? And to sit back and. And poo poo. Because I think you're right. The younger crowd does like part of the younger crowd that's watching. They're watching big guys like Morgan J. And they're watching Matt Rife. And it's way more interactive. And it's because of social media, dude, and how they have ingested comedy. That's what they like. So to sit back on the porch and be like, this is what it has to be.

[Joey Diaz]

Well, here it is. Matt Rife is fucking really good at, dude.

[Josh Wolf]

He's so funny.

[Joey Diaz]

He's good at what he does.

[Josh Wolf]

Oh, yeah, dude. Fuck yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

But my philosophy, okay, this is the philosophy I was raised on. And it took a long time to get there, standup wise. Took a long time to get there for sure. That philosophy that I was raised on was, I'm not paying 30 bucks to come into a place to hear Josh Wolfe ask George what he does for a living.

[Josh Wolf]

No, I'm with you.

[Joey Diaz]

Okay? Don't start with that. Don't start with that. Now, let's talk about honesty here. When I met you, Joshua had eight minutes of material. The rest, I just went up there.

[Josh Wolf]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And left to fate. I'm the first guy to tell you that that ran. That worked for four fucking years. I was that good for four years. I could do it.

[Josh Wolf]

But, dude, also, to be fair, what was amazing about what you did was you weren't crowdworking. You were writing material on stage.

[Joey Diaz]

On stage. Okay. But I knew it, and I was banking too much on it.

[Josh Wolf]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And I knew it would get me to a certain level. My daughter's good at softball, but she's going into a realm now that athleticism ain't gonna do it now is when you gotta work hard. You gotta work a little harder. And as you get older, that circle shrinks. Okay. I started comedy, and I improvised at the Broker for two years because I had to do five new minutes every Tuesday. I wasn't experienced enough to write five new minutes.

[Josh Wolf]

This was Colorado.

[Joey Diaz]

This was Boulder. When I first started, my first two years, I had a gig every Tuesday, but it was the same audience, so I had to change it out. And I did. I tried writing as much as I could, but I would do three minutes and then 10 minutes of improvise, you know, and it was a 50, 50 shot. Always 50, 50 when you improvise, but.

[Josh Wolf]

But when you. But you've always. And maybe it's changed, but you were always the best writer on stage that I. I don't know how you are as far as sitting at a desk or whatever, but on stage, you're one of the. And to watch you do multiple sets and change is.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm getting bored.

[Josh Wolf]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't want to get bored.

[Josh Wolf]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't want to sound like a machine. So you got to put something in there. Even if it bombs, you got to put something in there so you just don't rattle off.

[Josh Wolf]

But you've always done that, dude.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't like how I felt when I did coke, because when I did coke and went on stage, I felt a disconnect. I feel the disconnect. When I moved here to Jersey the first year, when I would go down Uncle Vinny's and you come down, there was a disconnect. It was a big. That's why I stopped doing it, because I'm like, I'm not doing blow, but I feel my comedy's on blow again. There's no connect. And this last time, I'm starting to. I feel that sometimes in my set when I don't have enough material. But to get back to what we were talking about, my first two years in comedy were 50, 50, and then I moved here in 93. And what happens here? Everybody does that. New York City is a. So what do you do? For a living. And it's every fucking guido doing that shit on stage. So I started doing it here. And then when I went to Colorado in 93, a good comic told me, he goes, once you start getting up in the levels and you start getting closer to la, that's not accepted no more. So go away from that. And dog, I went away. Once I got to the Comedy Store, I knew that wasn't going to work.

[Josh Wolf]

I don't think I've ever, ever done crowd work at the Comedy Store. I don't think I was taboo. I don't think I ever.

[Joey Diaz]

And you could speak. Listen. I remember there was a comic that we were both friends with, moved from another state, was in LA for about a week and a half and I did Breyer and I invited him down to do Brea.

[Josh Wolf]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And as soon as he got off stage in Brayer, go, this guy's not going to last here. And within three or four days, his uncle mysteriously had a heart attack and he had to go back and give up the apartment. And he didn't last here. He's still back where he is. Great person.

[Josh Wolf]

I do think there is merit, like when I go on the road, If I'm doing 45 minutes or an hour of not jumping straight into material, however you want to do it to make sure it feels more like a conversation. I don't think there's any good for me to walk on stage and hop into material, even if that means I bullshit about the city I'm in.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, yeah. The first eight minutes, just a warm up.

[Josh Wolf]

We're just kind of. So we know we're part of a conversation. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm with you, but that's it.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, you don't think about that when you're doing comedy. Eight years. No, no, no, no, you don't. You're not even up to that level of thinking like that. I gotta go out there and introduce myself. I know that. You got 20 seconds. You got 20 seconds. They make up their mind in 20 seconds whether they're even gonna fucking like you. So in those 20 seconds, what do I do? I Lenny Clark it. I go up there and I just jump on him. Why fuck around? Soon as you hit gloves, instead of going back to your corner, just come out with the right. Why are we even going back to the corner? Why are we doing this shit? You got 20 seconds for them to like you go Google it, GPT, chat it, whatever, all that shit. You got 18 seconds for them to go, I like this guy. Yeah, I like his eyes. I like his shoes. He's fat. He's too skinny. I don't like his fucking neck. I don't like his gold chain. You got 20 seconds. I'm not gonna give you 20 seconds. Yeah, I'm gonna get into you when you can't even make a decision. You're just laughing now. You got no choice. I'm making you feel different. My finger is already in your pussy. I. There's no, like, look at the finger. It's going in. No. I'm a very. No. It's in your asshole already. I'm already. And now we'll get. You ever just get to a girl and start eating her pussy? There's no, like, hold on. My dad might come home. None of that shit. They're in. If you ask them, can I eat your pussy? My dad might come home. My grandma's on the way from bingo. But once you dive into that monkey and pick up those legs and you're like. And you're licking that fucking asshole, they're not gonna tell you. Stop. My grandmother's coming home from church. You're in. You're in. So why are we going up there playing this dumb game? You got 20 seconds. You got 20 seconds for them to even consider you. I don't want them to make that decision. I don't want them to. I'm going to make it for them.

[Josh Wolf]

I will tell you something right now. First of all, nobody ever has ever attacked a crowd in the first 10 or 15 seconds when you decide to do it. You haven't. You don't always do it. There's some night. But when you decide to go in on it, it's kind of crazy, but you have, like, your secret sauce. Is that energy right there?

[Joey Diaz]

And the laugh. The smile is on my face for sure. So they're not getting tortured. They know I'm fucking around because. Not what you say, it's how you say it.

[Josh Wolf]

But that energy and how you can go in stories or just in your standup. It's honestly what I equate it to. Kinison's that how. When he used to do that. Ah. Ah. Like that voice. It's so 0 to 100.

[Joey Diaz]

You have to.

[Josh Wolf]

But there isn't. There aren't. You're taking for granted that. That's kind of your superpower.

[Joey Diaz]

That's it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Josh Wolf]

Most of us. But most of us don't have.

[Joey Diaz]

We don't have superpowers. Not to use for you for sure. Dude, go to the fucking box and look I'll take it out only on Friday night, dude.

[Josh Wolf]

But this is what's amazing about your stand up is that it's such. It's such. It goes from zero to 100 and you're back down to zero. But it's all fun watching them.

[Joey Diaz]

You're watching your audience. You, you want to break them a little bit and then you like anything else in life, you got to give them a little breath. Do you got to get the first aid kit? You know what I'm saying? They got to get the first aid kit. But as they're putting the band aid on before that band aid gets wrapped, I'm hitting them again. I'm hitting them again. They're not gonna wrap that band aid. Why hit them? Why let them rest.

[Josh Wolf]

I have to ask you a question I've never asked you before and it just dawns on me because I just saw it the other day. What's that special where your hair is jet black?

[Lee Syatt]

Sociably unacceptable.

[Josh Wolf]

I've known you forever. That was could not have been your decision to do jet black.

[Joey Diaz]

Ask him what happened the first show the camera wouldn't. My head was too shiny or the hair. So they had to darken it up. Dog.

[Josh Wolf]

I was like, there's no way before. I just saw him a week ago. There's no way. I've known you for that. You were like, I gotta dye my hair before this show.

[Joey Diaz]

It wasn't dye. They put like powder. Black powder. Yeah. What, what?

[Josh Wolf]

Why did they do that?

[Lee Syatt]

Because I wasn't involved in that. That whole thing was from the start. That was the special where the couple was fighting in the front row.

[Joey Diaz]

Yes, I was a nightmare.

[Josh Wolf]

What do you.

[Lee Syatt]

That'S worse than the parrot?

[Josh Wolf]

No, the parrot was the first show.

[Joey Diaz]

I ate a bag of dicks. And the second show I was like, I gotta change this around. And I did your idea. I switched it to a story. I opened up with the story about Willie vandy and the 18 inch dick and I got him. But the whole time there was a girl came to see me, but her boyfriend didn't like me. So she said, I'm going to see Joey. And he goes, I'm coming with you out of jealousy. Like the chick, you know, she's probably just into stand up comedy. The thing was an ugly little thing and she brought her boyfriend and the boyfriend kept making a little remark. And I remember sitting there at the 22 minute mark going, what would happen if I just kicked this guy in the head like a field club? I'm like, what kind of special would this be? Would I get sued? Would a club get sued? This is all I'm thinking about. And then some kid tapped him on the shoulder and the kid calmed down. But it was not good. It was not good. I was like, you know what? I'm gonna end this right here and just feel punt this guy's fucking head. Like, I was that pissed that I finally wait all my life. It's 1991. It's 2015 or 14. I've waited fucking 15, 30 years to shoot a special and I gotta have a kid trying to be cute here in front of me, making noises. I don't want to be here. I rather watch Mission Impossible and I'm like, do I just feel punt this motherfucker's head away and end my career right now? Like that was going.

[Josh Wolf]

I had to kick somebody out my. The.

[Joey Diaz]

No, no, not kicking out in Vancouver. Kick him through the head so his head flies off his shoulder. And the climb back. Go. Score three. Three points. Pump the ball.

[Josh Wolf]

This drunk, she was the drunkest in the front row for the taping of the special. And she was sitting right next to the stage mic. Joe. When I listened to the show up until before we kicked her out, it was a lot of these noises, that type of drunk. And then she would. And she would say to her friend, you could just hear, we should have brought more booze. Just. That's all you could hear when I was watching. And when I had to kick her out, it was. You were at the show. It was like she couldn't. Well, I'm just trying to have a good time.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, they all have.

[Josh Wolf]

Yeah, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm not drunk. No, no, you're not drunk. Don't worry about nothing. It's all gonna be okay. Do you.

[Josh Wolf]

Do you still write as much on stage or do you. Because I. I know for a while you were by. What was that like, that egg joint we met at a couple times in the Valley, out near where you live. Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Which one?

[Josh Wolf]

Maria and I would show up and you would have your notebooks out.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. In the afternoons. It's just not working like it used to.

[Josh Wolf]

But, but, but when you were writing, when you were doing that, you were disciplined about going and sitting.

[Joey Diaz]

Every day you're getting on stage.

[Josh Wolf]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

It's a rotate, you know, stand up comedy is not getting on stage once a week.

[Josh Wolf]

No.

[Joey Diaz]

And that's what I'm doing basically once or twice a week, you gotta get on stage three, four nights a week. And that role, it's a roll. It's a roll. And forget about. After a month and forget about. That's why there's no vacations. That's why there's no vacation.

[Josh Wolf]

You know, I just got back from.

[Joey Diaz]

I know, but.

[Josh Wolf]

Yes. 30 years. My first one, too. Agreed, Agreed. Agreed.

[Joey Diaz]

Nowhere. Nowhere until something big happens and you take. Listen, I didn't take time off until I booked the Longest yard. So from 91 to 2004, I was on stage every night.

[Josh Wolf]

Do you still have your notebooks?

[Joey Diaz]

When I got in New Mexico, there was no open mics in Santa Fe. You had to go to Albuquerque and it was like once a week. So I wasn't gonna go down there. I was focused on a movie. But that's the first time I wasn't on vacation.

[Josh Wolf]

Have you showed him your old notebooks?

[Joey Diaz]

I throw them away. I throw a lot of them away. I got to like 10 years. You gotta throw them away. They just. You get stacks of them.

[Josh Wolf]

I know, but for a year. But the notebooks that you kept about every set.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, yeah, I still got those in the box.

[Josh Wolf]

Do you still have those?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, I still got everything. I stopped doing them when I left LA because I knew that there wasn't going to be no more 300 sets a year. Listen.

[Josh Wolf]

You know one thing I could never understood? How you walked everywhere. You did a ton of coke, but you were 380 pounds. I'm like, this dude never stops moving. All he does is snort. But he's. How Was he still 380? You walked everywhere, dude.

[Joey Diaz]

Everywhere.

[Josh Wolf]

Because.

[Joey Diaz]

But then after a while, I couldn't.

[Josh Wolf]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

When I got to 310 was when I started having difficulties. Like, it was bad. Like, if the elevator broke, I didn't leave the house. I was on the fourth floor.

[Josh Wolf]

No, I remember that. I remember that.

[Joey Diaz]

Elevator breaks, you're in no danger. And there was no grubhub. That there was none of that shit. It was delivery and nobody was gonna deliver four floors. When the elevator broke, I wasn't like, leave. Papa didn't leave the building. It got to the point where my wife had to tie my shoelaces. You bought me four suits. April of 2001, you brought me. You gave me 300 bucks to go buy three suits, three shirts, three pair of socks.

[Josh Wolf]

That place up on.

[Joey Diaz]

They give you everything. I got a commercial for the oil. Pay us now or pay us later. Penzoil and I had to wear a suit. And the people told me, we don't have a suit for you. Like, you're A Jumbo. So Josh had to give me money for me to go buy three suits. I bought those suits in April of 2001.

[Josh Wolf]

Jumbo.

[Joey Diaz]

And this is the truth, guys. In June, I went to put those suits on. You know when you put a pair of pants on, you have to squeeze your stomach. No, it was three inches away. Like, I couldn't even. That's how fast I was gaining weight. That was the speed of the weight I was gaining. I just found. Because every morning I wake up, people send me Joe Rogan shit.

[Josh Wolf]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And I found out like my. In those days, this was my first five hours on the planet with 10,000 calories. It was all destruction. Everything I did from the time I woke up to one o' clock could kill a person. Because I would get up and drink coffee and smoke a pack of cigarettes, 3/4 of a pack of cigarettes with weed.

[Josh Wolf]

But what people don't also don't understand about your cigarettes. He went. You went from never smoking a cigarette and your life to two packs a day. The first day you picked him up, like, he was like, I'm a smoker now.

[Joey Diaz]

And like that.

[Josh Wolf]

And. No, the most aggressive cigarette smoker. Like, you hated him. That's how you smoke. And just three.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, it was. You're right.

[Josh Wolf]

Two puffs and just. That was it.

[Joey Diaz]

It was insane.

[Josh Wolf]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

What my body had gone through. But we discussed it this morning. Like, I don't miss stand up like I used to because my friends aren't there, you know?

[Josh Wolf]

Yep.

[Joey Diaz]

I've made new friends here to do stand up once or twice a week. And it's great.

[Josh Wolf]

Do you miss things?

[Joey Diaz]

Like, I don't miss to hang at night. I gotta get home. I'm tired.

[Josh Wolf]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

But I tell you what I do miss. I miss afternoons. We used to have really good days. And you know what, I hate to say it. We had no money. No, we had enough money. I would always steal cigarettes from that gas station. I would stick my hand behind the counter when he was pumping gas.

[Josh Wolf]

What was the place that no matter what, you were getting a lighter?

[Joey Diaz]

7 11. Yeah, I robbed that 7 11. I had 80 lighters.

[Josh Wolf]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

I was pissed because they used to have football teams on the Bics. I would rob the whole top floor and put them in my jacket and go home. And I'd have everybody except Dallas and Philly.

[Josh Wolf]

I go, I remember I asked you once, I go, don't you have enough lighters? And you were like, I'm doing it on principle. I'm like, what principle? Well, I don't think, you know.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, Josh, this is what pisses me off. I told my wife, I think you gotta think about it this way too. I'm 62 years old.

[Josh Wolf]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Like, I couldn't even. I cooked a hot dog this weekend without my wife, but pretty much, I was scared to turn the kitchen on or anything. You know, I did some laundry and I was scared to put it in the dryer. You know, all that shit. But I'm gonna tell you guys something. This is how I feel today. I don't have patience with people no more.

[Josh Wolf]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Because of what happened with me. I have a friend and, you know, she contacted me a year ago about something people might think. I don't talk to her because I don't know. I don't talk to her because she's a loser. Because after what we went through and what we saw, especially a guy like me, because remember when I was doing coke and working the hardest? I was working. I was not the healthiest guy. I had a girlfriend, I had cats, I had no bank account or I was getting all my clothes from Big Daddy. If I got any money, it went to cocaine. I didn't even buy clothes. Underwear and socks. And then I said, fuck it. Why wear underwear? I save on underwear. The laundry space, that's an extra quarter. Because my underwear, like, this big. You know what I'm saying? So why fuck? I put three pair of pants in a suitcase. Yeah, it's 80 pounds. You know, I'm not gonna lie to nobody. You're 430 pound. But my point is, I started comedy in 91, and my cocaine addiction was what it was. And I just came to terms with it. I said, I'm gonna keep doing us. I'm gonna keep doing comedy as hard as I can. But I'm sick and tired of quitting cocaine. I'm sick and tired of quitting for three days. Forget it. Why quit? Do what you do. Just keep it under a minimum. Just make sure you don't get into cocaine more than you do the comedy. That was my rule, okay? I can't believe that through all those addictions and all that waking up at six in the morning and getting up, going to bed at five, getting up at six and looking at breakdowns and sending them in at nine. And you were there when I had three managers for a showcase and six agents. I would lie to all of them because I didn't give a fuck. And the fact that I stopped snorting at 44 and things didn't really change for me. Till I was about 48, 49, and I didn't give up and I worked with that intensity. But people gonna come to me now with a fucking story. I can't even talk to you, never mind, look at you. I cannot talk to you. I cannot talk to people no more. When somebody says they're gonna do something now and they tap out after two months, I'm done with them as friends. Because I can't believe that I'm 62 and I had every reason to fucking quit. GED felon, no family. And I stuck it out. And motherfuckers today are like, well, you know, you know what? I got time for this.

[Josh Wolf]

Not to mention just in our. Forget your personal life, which is. Which was. Had horrible things happening.

[Joey Diaz]

Horrible, horrible.

[Josh Wolf]

But just your career, you were told. I remember, man, I remember. Too dirty. Nobody's ever going to book you. Too dirty old. Can't talk like that.

[Joey Diaz]

When I got to LA, I was already 34. I wasn't no 28 year old, good looking kid. But also remember what you taught me when we got to la, we were talking with. Then you go, joey, they don't want to listen to you until you start talking about your life. You have to draw a picture for them. And that's one thing I didn't do. I just thought it was about jokes. And even today I'm struggling with that. I'm having a hard time writing about me, about my conflicts, because right now, listen.

[Josh Wolf]

Yeah, but.

[Joey Diaz]

This is a one of my conflicts. I get up at 6:30, I drink a cup of coffee, I sit on my balcony.

[Josh Wolf]

But you went in.

[Joey Diaz]

Look at the fucking sun.

[Josh Wolf]

You've always. Here's the thing, you're. I think it's two different things. All of your material has always been very personal. That doesn't mean you have to divulge something specifically personal about yourself.

[Joey Diaz]

Here's the problem. My life is so boring now.

[Josh Wolf]

Oh yeah, there's nothing. Got it, got it, got it, got it, got it, got it.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. At least when you're on the road, you got a story. The chick was gonna suck your dick halfway, she passed out and puked.

[Josh Wolf]

Got it, got it, got it, got it.

[Joey Diaz]

When we did this podcast before. Monday's podcast was about the week before on the road. We had a great time last week in Miami. Holy fuck. We had the red beans and rice, we had the banana. Nikki jumped off the building, he broke his ankle. You follow me? So we moved that. So now it's like, I don't steal nothing. I don't Snort coke.

[Josh Wolf]

You tell me you don't steal lighters from 7 11.

[Joey Diaz]

How can I steal now?

[Josh Wolf]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, once everyone.

[Josh Wolf]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

I have dark moments in my life, okay? Yeah. I still double take on a purse. If I see a purse, it's unguarded, I'll look at it and go, joey, what are you thinking? Get your shit together. I see purses with phones sticking out. You know, that was my day.

[Josh Wolf]

I would just be clicking phones when.

[Joey Diaz]

I got to the store. I would go back in the morning to see who would leave their phones and I would take them to the bank, the black bank robbers from St. Louis. And they give me like 50 bucks a phone. I stole everything. I'm not gonna lie to nobody.

[Josh Wolf]

Do you remember cash on this?

[Joey Diaz]

I don't steal anymore, but I still got urges. When I see things, I go, look at these motherfuckers.

[Josh Wolf]

Do you remember cashing those checks? Do you remember case cashing those checks? No, no, no, no. That got sent to my box. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And I had a Wells Fargo that I just used for stolen checks.

[Lee Syatt]

Why do you need to scroll cash?

[Joey Diaz]

Because they would take percentages out, dog. I had a check one time for Spider Man. This is how much of a Puerto Rican I am. And I'm not. I'm. I'll tell you the truth, dog. Me and my wife were flat broke. I mean, we couldn't make rent. I'll never forget the Sunday when I. I said, you better look in here. I got my first residual flight from Spider Man 2. And I looked at it, like, on Sundays, SAG, post what you're getting that week.

[Josh Wolf]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You know that, right?

[Josh Wolf]

Yeah, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Six o'. Clock. You always look at SAG to see what. That's how broke I was.

[Josh Wolf]

I remember checking the websites, too.

[Joey Diaz]

You too? Oh, please. And I would wait for the mailman of attention. Yeah, I'd be out there. The little Filipino guy. I'd be out there fucking. Yeah, yeah. No checks today. Come on. Check, check. He would tell me, no mail today, bro. Checking your bag. There's something in there for me. I'm telling you, I saw it sagging, I would fucking fight. But I'll never forget that Sunday when I called my wife and I go, look at this check we're getting. Like. I was like, the biggest check I ever had at that point was like 300 bucks. Anything. And I told my wife, look at the check we're getting. And we were, like, walking on fucking eggshells for three days. The Check finally came. This is how much my wife trusts me. I called my wife at 11:30 and told her the check got there. She goes, I'm on a bus right now. I'm going home to get that check and take. Cash it. So we went to bank of America, and they wouldn't fuck, no. We went to the check cashing place.

[Josh Wolf]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

On Hollywood Boulevard. They wanted like 2,100 bucks, dog. And I'm thinking, that's a lot of cocaine. That's a lot of coke. We gotta figure something out.

[Josh Wolf]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

So me and my wife went to Wells Fargo. I had that checking account there, the cash, stolen checks. And I fucking. And I went there with her. But they wouldn't. The check said Joey Diaz. They wouldn't cash it. Me and my wife were like, you better cash this fucking check. It was an $18,000 check.

[Josh Wolf]

Does your.

[Joey Diaz]

We haven't eaten in license say Joseph Jose Diaz? So my wife found a check stub from SAG that said, and that's the only way. So they let us deposit, but they only gave us a thousand dollars. We went right to Sizzler. Right on.

[Josh Wolf]

Yeah, it was on the ground right there.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. Soggy shrimp. Oh, I remember that. Yeah, you follow? You follow that on Instagram. He always eat and he jumps in a little pool after he eats. And. Yeah, that was us. I thought I was DJ Khalid.

[Josh Wolf]

I remember that sirloin.

[Joey Diaz]

And every time I got a check, I take my wife there like we were Johnny Bananas. Two tables, please. And then we gotta go eat that shrimp that gives you diarrhea. Or my other celebratory spot was Acapulco. That was my joint. Or you could eat lunch special.

[Josh Wolf]

Where was that?

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, Acapulco was the old. Come on, Josh Wolf in Hollywood. Two of them. The Sequmore Tavern was.

[Josh Wolf]

Oh, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right.

[Joey Diaz]

Los Feliz or whatever that was. But they had the best. All you could eat.

[Josh Wolf]

Dude, we were. I'm sorry.

[Joey Diaz]

Cheap.

[Josh Wolf]

We were Boston Market.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, Boston Market.

[Josh Wolf]

That's what we did. That corner. Because kids and I could go. And I could talk whenever I went, like, especially when I was single. I must have looked sad enough.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, you were sad. Yeah, your hat was on backwards, so.

[Josh Wolf]

I must have looked sad. But they used to give us free shit.

[Joey Diaz]

And that's in Burbank, that one.

[Josh Wolf]

No, the one in Boston Market was on, like, La Brea and.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Josh Wolf]

And Sunset or some. But. But yeah, I. Look, I. The. The Ralphs The Rock and Roll Ralphs. We used to go there three, four times a week. And the lady behind the hot counter, she just gave us food because she knew that she. I don't know how she knew.

[Lee Syatt]

You dress the kids up extra?

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, yeah. This guy was the kid. He's like a Puerto Rican mother at welfare.

[Josh Wolf]

Remember that?

[Joey Diaz]

He brought his kids, the neighbor's kids. And everybody's crying. Everybody got.

[Josh Wolf]

I would wipe dirt on their face, little dirt.

[Joey Diaz]

Tell them they weren't getting Christmas presents and they're all looking depressed and.

[Josh Wolf]

But what was no joke was that car with no air conditioning, that Saturn. We took a road trip to.

[Joey Diaz]

To Lake Havasu.

[Josh Wolf]

That's right.

[Joey Diaz]

And this put Visine in his eyeballs. The sun was shining right on it. We have no air in the car. The sun is right on it. The sunroof was open, so it's in the thing. This puts Vin's eyes. All of a sudden, you hear. Yeah, hilarious.

[Josh Wolf]

Yeah. What was funny is that you saw me doing it and didn't see stop me. Yeah. He was just like, no, this is too good.

[Joey Diaz]

Right here.

[Lee Syatt]

Driving the car.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, the red Saturn.

[Josh Wolf]

That red Saturn drove it down from Seattle. I think I bought. I think I might have bought it up there, but. Yeah. Because in Seattle, we didn't need air conditioning.

[Joey Diaz]

No, you didn't need air conditioning. I always need air conditioning. I like to be cold. I don't like that, people. You don't need air conditioning. You how the wind blows? Yeah. Yeah. Good. That's great.

[Lee Syatt]

And I was fat. It was scary enough driving with you just because of the speed and the music. But it would be, like, freezing. And you would have the AC and the windows open going 90 on the highway. I'd have to bring sweatshirts. You'd be like, why do you have a sweatshirt? Because I'm driving with you.

[Josh Wolf]

I taste a mess. You can tell who you're getting in the car with by how somebody buckles their seatbelt. But you buckle your seatbelt with intention, like you should. Like you're.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Josh Wolf]

You're like, hey, everybody else, get ready.

[Joey Diaz]

This is the three accidents every day. Look at my car. The right side. I got scratches I don't get. And the funny thing is, honest to God, I don't give a fuck, because I know my wife will buy me another one.

[Josh Wolf]

But the best.

[Joey Diaz]

She buys them, I smash them. That's the motto of the Diaz house. You buy them, I smash them.

[Josh Wolf]

What's the best car ride of all time? Is Brody in the backseat of his own car.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, my God. God rest his soul.

[Josh Wolf]

Driving to Olympia.

[Joey Diaz]

No, the other place. Was it not Olympia City something, island something.

[Josh Wolf]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Where? The bar where he got up and said, there's no Jews on the wall.

[Josh Wolf]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You not coming back.

[Josh Wolf]

Driving down the wrong way, down one.

[Joey Diaz]

Way street, telling me, motherfucker, I'm not gonna make it there in an hour and a half. I was making it there in an hour and a half every day. And he's like, no, it takes three hours. Well, let me drive your car, dog. I did 90 on the way down there. And we put him in the back on the trunk.

[Josh Wolf]

Do you remember what he said to you when he got out of the car?

[Joey Diaz]

He said, people don't live this way.

[Josh Wolf]

He goes, this. We get into the parking lot.

[Joey Diaz]

Gig Harbor.

[Josh Wolf]

Gig Harbor. And he gets out of the car and he goes, this is not how I live my life.

[Joey Diaz]

And then I didn't see her. Then we moved to la. Then we moved to la.

[Josh Wolf]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And one night, I'm at Coaching Horses with Carol, by the way, and another blonde stripper, Carol, one of my favorite, favorite, favorite, favorite. But can I tell you, she's still my favorite, though.

[Josh Wolf]

She said to me one night in Seattle is in the underground. Because I know at what level you must have just tortured her.

[Joey Diaz]

Tortured her.

[Josh Wolf]

She said to me, right on the. In the underground one night. And she looks at me and she grabbed my hand, she squeezed it, and.

[Joey Diaz]

She goes up, God damn it.

[Josh Wolf]

She goes, she. She squeezes my hand, and we're in the underground. And she goes, he's driving me crazy. And I was just like, no, yeah, he's in. I was like, oh, he's fucking.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, when she calls me now, we're always talking, she goes, you know, I really love you. What you put me through, what we put each other through. Yeah. But I was thinking today, you mentioned the Hurricane ball.

[Josh Wolf]

The. Which one?

[Joey Diaz]

The Hurricane ball. And you left. You left like, September of 97, 96.

[Josh Wolf]

Right before Jacob was born.

[Joey Diaz]

I got down there. January, February of 97. So you left. And I was pissed. I'm like, this motherfucker left me alone up here. And I was selling advertising for pizza companies for 15 bucks an hour. They were paying me. It was a new company. They were going to advertise during football games and pop so you could order delivery.

[Josh Wolf]

Where were you living?

[Joey Diaz]

I was living. I have no fucking idea. In a car or something.

[Josh Wolf]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

I was working at this place. I got my first check for 600 bucks. And I was so fucking excited I could get to move to LA now. And again, I called Carol, and she's like, I'll pick you up. We're gonna go cash that check. You owe me $184 from. You know, it was always I owed her something.

[Josh Wolf]

The cheapest human.

[Joey Diaz]

So I get in the fucking car with her, and she gets the check and she goes, I'm gonna cash it. I'm only gonna give you a hundred bag. Carol, don't start your shit, okay? This bitch. I say something to her. She takes that check, rips it up and throws it in my face. And I grab her by the fucking hair, right in the car. I'm like, carol, are you fucking crazy? This is all the money I had. Fuck you. Fuck you, fuck you. I just grabbed her by the wig. I just grabbed her and pulled her hair real hard. You motherfucker. How dare you? And she's like, I'm calling the police. And she called the cops on the car wash. And I'm like, fucking bitch.

[Josh Wolf]

But was this pre. The restraint? The.

[Joey Diaz]

No, this is. At the end. This is. What about the time I was fucking on the ecstasy and I got caught in the restraining order. I hid under the bed and the cops coming in. The bed was going up and down. It was just going.

[Josh Wolf]

The mattress, mattress, everything.

[Joey Diaz]

And the cops, like, come up from under the bed. Yeah, this was. This was years of. Listen, I'm gonna tell you something. I'm 62. I said it earlier. For the last five years, I just been trying to figure out what happened. You know what I'm saying? Like, I got here 59 years old, I had money in the bank, and I just want to figure out what the fuck happened. And I wrote that book with that girl. And I still think of every day, what the fuck happened? And how did this happen? How am I 62? It was just 1995. We're jumping up and down in Seattle with the Lip Robin safes. The lip. Frankie, bro, you got me that apartment upstairs. And in the morning, they only had a bathroom. And if the bathroom was clogged, I'd have to take a shit off the fire escape. No, you. Yes, I did. And I would sit there, it was like the third floor. And I would put my. It'd be 8 in the morning, there'd be nobody out there. And I take a shit, and the shit, you could see it flying down like that. Yeah. This is fucking endless. Like, this is endless. Like, this is endless. I lived in an office, and I talked Some guy into the book guy, the bookie guy that didn't want to pay me. Yeah, I kept beating him and shit. And I got this other guy. I met this other guy at his restaurant and he gave me free phone lines. 1, 800 numbers. Ask Josh. The shit that was happening to me only to happen to me. And then I had a guy that wanted to put bets in. He lost every week. And every week I would just take his $300 and he would tell me, I want to meet the bookie. You don't need to meet the bookie. And you and me were going somewhere they didn't want to pay us. And I said, you don't want to give me the money, don't give me the money. But this guy's going to come looking for you. He's going to break your fucking head. Okay, I'll give you the money, but I'm not betting no more. Until I met the bookie.

[Josh Wolf]

He wanted to meet the guy.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, yeah, he wanted to meet the bookie. There's no bookie. There's no man behind the curtain. It's Uncle Joey. You're a loser. You're gonna lose everything you put in. I'm taking that chance on you.

[Josh Wolf]

I remember saying to you, I was like, you don't have the money to cover if he wins. And you were like, he's not gonna win.

[Joey Diaz]

He ain't gonna win.

[Josh Wolf]

I was like, what do you mean? And you're like, nah, he's not gonna win. He's never. You were like, he's a loser. There's no way he's ever going to win. I remember that dude.

[Joey Diaz]

I had the weirdest, like, life in Seattle. Then I hooked up with that dude I live. Oh, that's who I was living with the last three months I lived in la. I lived with the cook.

[Josh Wolf]

You lived with not Leonard, Rodney, whatever his name. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I can't remember.

[Joey Diaz]

He's my brother. Yeah, this dude was solid. He had an apartment with a broken window and in the winter you would freeze in there. But he wouldn't invite me. You don't want. Because if I, He. I started staying with him. Lionel Lyle, I started. No, no, no.

[Josh Wolf]

His name is not Lionel.

[Joey Diaz]

No, no. I started staying with him when you lived in Bremerton because it was too late to take the bus over. You got to take a bus to where you and Malia live. So he would say, just stay with me, bro. This guy was a one man wrecking crew at night. He turned into like, like A fucking animal. He lived in a warehouse, okay? And I'll never forget. He's like, stay here. The first. I'm freezing. No heat, no nothing. There's a broken window. It's raining. And also, people throw rocks at his window. Hey, can I come up and smoke crack? I'd wake up and there are three black guys in my living room with no lights on, with candles, smoking crack. I go, what the fuck is this? One night I went up there. He's like, you want to go to a party upstairs? I go, yeah. Went upstairs to a party, and There was like 10 girls. There was a girl dancing in a cage and shit. I'm like, you. I thought his name was Ron. You got it going on. Really good guy.

[Josh Wolf]

It wasn't Lionel.

[Joey Diaz]

Lionel.

[Josh Wolf]

Lionel, no, it's Lionel. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Lionel.

[Joey Diaz]

So this guy comes in with a white jacket on with a hot chick, and he's talking about, I'm the mayor of Seattle. You knew him. He was like, I'm the mayor. I'm the mayor. So they got coke out.

[Josh Wolf]

Was it John Eagle?

[Joey Diaz]

I don't know. They got coke out. But somebody had a heroin out. And this guy. There's a pole, like Polls. It's a fairhouse. So there's. There's no. It was.

[Josh Wolf]

Was it downtown? Yes.

[Joey Diaz]

Right behind where that band where Hart used to.

[Josh Wolf]

I went to some parties there. Yeah, it was great.

[Joey Diaz]

And there was a warehouse, and you had to take a shower in the hallway. Fucking great. Great movie.

[Josh Wolf]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm up there one day and this guy comes in at like 4. I'm the mayor of Seattle. And I'm like, all right. And there's a pole. I'll never forget this. And there's two mirrors on the table. Whatever. And there's coke and there's heroin. He thought it was the coke, so he took the heroin and he did the whole line of heroin. He's like, yah. And he's making all these noises. And all of a sudden you see the heroin hit him, and he holds on to the beam, and all of a sudden you see him hold the beam and he just starts spinning around the beam. And he just falls, man. He just falls. And I did some of that heroin that night. It was like a little line. Anyway, next morning, I work up at Lionel's. It's like 10 in the morning on a Sunday. And the shower was in the hallway. It was just a metal shower that you went into. And there was a wall. And as I was waiting to get into the shower, I had Done some much heroin the night before. I just passed out and went right through the wall. It was like that scene in Bruce Lee when he kicks the guy.

[Josh Wolf]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Through the wall. And you see an implant of the guy with his hands like that. That's what it looked like. Lionel came out. He's like, what's that noise? I was in the fucking wall and the wall had nothing. The other side had the metal beams. I cut my shoulder. I was bleeding. He's like, you got to go to a doctor. What happened? I go, dog.

[Josh Wolf]

We were doing heroin last night.

[Joey Diaz]

Drugs for two fucking days. Yeah.

[Josh Wolf]

No, that place was crazy. I went to a couple parties there.

[Joey Diaz]

That place is crazy.

[Josh Wolf]

But the people who were just.

[Joey Diaz]

Who.

[Josh Wolf]

He was completely cool with anybody who walked in the door.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. He didn't give a. No.

[Josh Wolf]

He didn't give a fuck.

[Joey Diaz]

No, no. He was renting. It was his apartment.

[Josh Wolf]

He lived there.

[Joey Diaz]

He lived there. It was a warehouse that had different rooms, and you could. And, I mean, you could just pull. It was like this. That's the doors. There was no.

[Josh Wolf]

But it was like.

[Joey Diaz]

It was like that, dude.

[Josh Wolf]

And I remember one of the parties, I said there was. Because there was somebody shooting up in the back.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, yeah.

[Josh Wolf]

And I was. I asked Lionel, I go, who are they? And he goes, I don't know.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't know. Yeah, yeah.

[Josh Wolf]

He was like, I don't know. Yeah. That was a bizarre time, man.

[Joey Diaz]

When I look back at that. The beginning of la, the end of Colorado, I'm like, what the was that?

[Josh Wolf]

Like that I. I have to admit, like, I enjoyed my. I. The type of material that I was writing back then. When I look back at it. Did I tell you that that first CD that I recorded, I re. Shot. I rewrote the entire CD and I shot it when I was in Nashville. I took all the same premises and I was like, let's just see what comes out now.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, it's pretty interesting.

[Josh Wolf]

And so I did that. But, like, wait a second. Why was I talking about that? These mushrooms are starting to creep up on me a little bit.

[Joey Diaz]

You what?

[Josh Wolf]

What were you talking about?

[Lee Syatt]

Beginning of la, end of Seattle.

[Josh Wolf]

Oh, I. When I look back at my old material, there was a. There was a bite to it. When I look at my material now, that isn't there.

[Joey Diaz]

No, no.

[Josh Wolf]

My early material had a. Like.

[Joey Diaz]

There was no food in the refrigerator.

[Josh Wolf]

It was a real bite.

[Joey Diaz]

There was no food in the refrigerator? No.

[Josh Wolf]

You was working for turkey burgers, dude.

[Joey Diaz]

There's no reason to stay home. Like, I still Remember living in Baldwin going, I need the money, but I don't really need the tv. Yeah, I'm selling it. What do I need a TV for? I don't need a fucking tv. I'm trying to do stand up comic. I removed all that shit from my life. I was like, I don't want to watch TV no more. That's it, it's over. I'm just doing stand up. And that's how I, that was, bro. For somebody such a junkie, I had such a great discipline. I always looked at things as the discipline to it and I forced myself to it. When I used to drop my daughter off on Wednesdays and my ex wife would bust my balls, I would get in the car and cry. And the only reaction I would have was to go buy a gram of coke, snort, and then go shoot them. I said, no, Joe Diaz, you're gonna take this pain and go do comedy. And I would roll a joint, leave it in the ashtray. I would cry, I would sit down, I'm gonna stab these motherfuckers one day. I would smoke that joint and force myself to do comedy. That's a discipline. I wasn't going to let depression or none of that. This is comedy, guys. This is a business, you know, and that's what I don't think people today understand. And they're not allowed to understand it because now as an open micr, you're not just a comic, but dude, you're.

[Josh Wolf]

People are posting material two years into stand up.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, two years, two months.

[Josh Wolf]

And they're just posting. It's too early.

[Joey Diaz]

You're too early.

[Josh Wolf]

You're not. But they're, but, but this is the thing, dude, they're not there. You and I wanted to be great comics. That's the thing. It's just evolved. They want to be comics kind of, but more importantly, they want to be famous on social media. And so like, that wasn't even something that. But you were also, dude, not even. You were more about doing the stand up than getting a TV show. You wanted to do stand up, stand up comedy, which was different because when we were coming up, I guess our, our version of the Internet was a sitcom. Everybody was trying to, you know, I fell into that.

[Joey Diaz]

Rhodes, Tom Rhodes, Margaret Cho, the Spanish kid, you know, but that's how you sold tickets. That's how you sold tickets. Well, listen, I didn't want, Listen, I always, I always knew to specify goals. I never wanted a TV show and I never put late night TV comedy sets on my goal list. Dude, listen, because I wasn't gonna go through that. I wasn't gonna let you tell me what I could say. Also, so I never thought of Letterman. That wasn't even in my mind. Like, why think about something that you're not gonna wanna do? And I knew that four years in.

[Josh Wolf]

The one time you did late night TV on my show, they had to cut three quarters of what you said. So all you saw was me introduce him and then say, and let's thank my guests. And then he popped up again.

[Joey Diaz]

I was amazing. The things I decided early on. Yeah, like, the things I decided early on was, I'm not even gonna worry about that.

[Josh Wolf]

I know.

[Joey Diaz]

Why worry about that? It's not my future. And I knew. I'm not an idiot. I knew that anything big in Hollywood, so many stars have to align. You know, people think, oh, I hit 40 home runs in minor leagues, so I'm gonna be in the major leagues. So many things. You know, what's he hit every year, Judge? 60 home runs? 350. Can't win a fucking World Series. What good is it, you know? But that's not my point. My point is that I didn't want a TV show. I didn't want the Joey Diaz Show. That was not gonna happen. That's too many things, too much to worry about. And I got a job to do to be funny. So while I'm thinking about the Joey Diaz Show, I'm not being funny. I'm thinking about characters and who my mother's gonna be and who my uncle. I don't want that. I made up my mind in 2000 that I wasn't gonna go to Montreal, ca wasn't gonna sign me. So I had to do what I did best. I wasn't good looking, I wasn't young. I had nothing going for me. I had stage presence and I had the Comedy Store. That's it. In 1999, I had two things. Stage presence and the Comedy Store. Material was one star. Delivery was two stars. And I know this. And that's why when my car apartment got towed, what did I do? I disappeared. I was already a regular at all three clubs. And I said, this is not. My development is so bad. I made this call when. When what's her name car got towed. Yeah, man, I didn't. Nobody came up to me and said, joey, I think, no, I made the call. I go, you know what? It's time for me to go on the road. And I'm talking about. And you know, remember, I would go for nine Months, nine months. No come home, buy clothes on the road, send home a box of Gavins. That was my life. I didn't care about anything else. There was nothing else. The bus ride to the gig, Yoder. I had everybody in my pocket. Yoder, the fucking creative who I just talked to last week, what's his name? Call me for something. Garcia, Charlotte.

[Josh Wolf]

The guy that. Who did what?

[Joey Diaz]

The guy that owned Charlotte. Oh, great guy, great guy.

[Josh Wolf]

The comedy zone down there.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, yeah. He owned all the. I was in with them. I was in. And I just said, I'm just gonna fucking whatever they give me. There was no ego. I'm at the Comedy Store. But I'll tell you what, you got an MC spot for me? Me. Give it to me. You got a feature spot for me? Give it to me. You want to call Headline? Me. Give it to me. I took anything I could because I knew it was all going to this. There was no ego. What, am I going to sit there and go, I'm really a feature? If they want to emcee me, let them emcee me.

[Josh Wolf]

But do you think.

[Joey Diaz]

Dude, they don't know that.

[Josh Wolf]

But do you think that you almost had to. With who you are? You've never changed who you are? No, but in order for more people to accept you, this character of. Not character, but just the term Uncle Joey.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah.

[Josh Wolf]

Changed so much, dude, because, you know, I was. I forget. I was telling these guys earlier. I remember watching you as a young dude on the stage at the Underground. And you'd always been so charming on stage, but you were. You. The way you moved and how young you were and your. The. You were angry. You made some people uncomfortable.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, yeah, I was really angry. I had nothing to be happy about.

[Josh Wolf]

But this is what I'm saying.

[Joey Diaz]

No money, no daughter, totally. No family, divorce, no nothing.

[Josh Wolf]

But then this. As you age, as you get older, it fits. It fits so much better. And, like, it was not as threatening. Young Joe Diaz on stage, the way you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But, dude, the way you paced and you were. I tell people, man. I remember late night, there was a basketball court in Bellevue when you used to live in the backyard. And we'd go out when we walked, bud, and we'd shoot hoops every now and then. But I remember the first time I shot hoops with you, I was like, oh, this is an athletic.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah.

[Josh Wolf]

And so the way you. You were what, 220 or 230, 30 up there. The way you used to pace that stage Early.

[Joey Diaz]

I just saw this today. That's crazy. You said that yet. This is one of Carol's pictures. She just sent me this about three weeks ago, she. Because she's moving and she found boxes. She said, what a fucking. Is it? I saw this picture. Was it the me holding a dog?

[Josh Wolf]

Nah.

[Joey Diaz]

Holy.

[Josh Wolf]

You and her in the three piece suit on this. On the stage at the Comedy Underground, y'. All. He was. He had his three piece suit on. Yeah, dude, that would. That was like when they would give us a Wednesday or a Tuesday night at the club. That was a huge night, but he was headlined. So he went, three piece suit. Hell, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

McSorley. We would go to that place afterward, you know, and that's what I tell people. The camaraderie was different. It was 10 bucks to get in the underground. If 50 people went, what was that?

[Josh Wolf]

500 bucks.

[Joey Diaz]

500 bucks. They took a percentage out. And then we take the rest and chop it up. Instead of giving each other money, we would go to McCormick and Schmidt. Yeah, 10. The one. Cheeseburgers, french fries, Coca Cola in the bottle, clams on the. Yeah. It's crazy. I go to San Jose is to pay my respects to Original Joe's, but the first place I eat is McCormick and Schmidt's because of how they treated me in 1995. If there's a McCormick and Schmidt's, I'll go in there.

[Josh Wolf]

Yeah, but you love that, because how they treated us.

[Joey Diaz]

We had $0 and they had a $2 menu. If you had $10 in McCormick and Schmidt's, you ate like a fucking king in those days.

[Josh Wolf]

By the way, that food was good, too.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, four to seven.

[Josh Wolf]

Legit. Yeah, it was good food.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, four to seven and 10 to one. And we always went in there making sure we had tip money because it was embarrassing if you couldn't fucking tip them.

[Josh Wolf]

I was telling these guys the story about you. You being my security guard at the. The fetish night.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, my God.

[Josh Wolf]

And those two old dudes dressed like Scar, like Scarlett o'. Hara. And I asked you to throw them out. And they were hitting you with their parasols on the way out. And you were laughing, and then you called them. You were like, those two queens kept hitting me with their umbrellas.

[Joey Diaz]

It was a fetish night. And I was a fucking horny motherfucker. I had a girlfriend who would let me fuck her daily. Like, I dated that girl. And I gotta be honest with you, I fucked her every day except for periods.

[Josh Wolf]

You talking about Carol?

[Joey Diaz]

Carol? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, with my balls and everything. I got my money's worth from Carol. I fucked her every single day like a fucking animal. Ass tits. Every day. Once in the afternoon and one at night. I was a fucking sexual deviant. But I'll never forget he had those nights. And I go, let me go down there and get my dick sucked by a chick with leather on. Let me tell you something. These were the ugliest women I had seen in all my life. Ugly. I remember one night they had a girl on a pool table. She was fat as fuck. They were melting on her.

[Josh Wolf]

Do you remember?

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, my God. Her boyfriend was scared, skinny, and he was licking her toes. And I'm like, there was a side.

[Josh Wolf]

Room, so you paid 50 to get in, but there was a side room that you had to pay extra money in. And there was a glass table. And like, some dudes paid extra to watch chicks on the glass and they would slide underneath.

[Lee Syatt]

Is this something that the bar owner knew you were doing?

[Josh Wolf]

Yeah, well, he didn't know that room.

[Joey Diaz]

He didn't know that.

[Josh Wolf]

He didn't. He just knew. Was it. His name was Aki?

[Joey Diaz]

Huh?

[Josh Wolf]

The Japanese dude, was his name Aki? Right?

[Joey Diaz]

Aki. Aki, yeah.

[Josh Wolf]

And so he knew the upstairs. He didn't really know what was going on. Probably too much in the downstairs.

[Lee Syatt]

Security of anything is one of the funniest things.

[Josh Wolf]

Like you. I mean, security, like.

[Joey Diaz]

And I was security at the same bar I robbed.

[Josh Wolf]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

A year later. I had to take the safe out of that by myself. You know, that's what I tell people.

[Josh Wolf]

How much money? How many quarters was it?

[Joey Diaz]

Like 600?

[Josh Wolf]

Here's what I hear.

[Joey Diaz]

We did laundry for a year.

[Josh Wolf]

Here's what I forget, though.

[Joey Diaz]

I forget, how did I have that thing?

[Josh Wolf]

But did I have the. Did I have the combination? How did.

[Joey Diaz]

How did. You had it and then you finally forgot it?

[Josh Wolf]

Yeah, yeah. How did you. Like you and the lip. Had to open it, right?

[Joey Diaz]

Opened it. You know me, dog. If there's a world, I was there at 4 in the morning. Kink, kink. With a pencil and a hammer. I'll do anything.

[Josh Wolf]

It was. That was.

[Joey Diaz]

And then we threw the safe in the lake.

[Josh Wolf]

You would.

[Joey Diaz]

Nobody could carry it. And do you understand the open mic life I had? I really had a good open mic life.

[Josh Wolf]

But those Mondays and Tuesdays at the Underground were legendary.

[Joey Diaz]

Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant.

[Josh Wolf]

I can't. I cannot thank Carl and Ron enough for doing that. There was no. It's impossible to explain how much growth happened on those Mondays. And honestly, when he let you host those nights, because you were. You were encouraged or you were. People knew you were gonna fuck with the comic who just came off stage. You were gonna roast him a little bit. That's kind of how it went when I first started going, and Oshak was hosting the Comedy Store. He would roast everybody.

[Joey Diaz]

What a great kid.

[Josh Wolf]

Oh. Oh, shack. But that. That. That time of playful, kind of around with each other.

[Joey Diaz]

So I did. When I hosted, I always tortured. People left the stage. Let's keep it going for the hat, you know, whatever. Let's keep it going for the feather. The joke that bombed, you go up there and repeat. Repeat it. You know, an impersonation he did.

[Josh Wolf]

That's your favorite one ever, was that guy who is doing terrible impersonations.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, yeah.

[Josh Wolf]

And you just screamed, do your impersonation of a comic. Oh, dude, you guys. Every week, him crack on every Tuesday.

[Joey Diaz]

Every Monday, and go, hi, this. This is my impersonation of a.

[Josh Wolf]

And he would turn. Wouldn't he turn around?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, and he'd turn around and go, this.

[Josh Wolf]

Then he would turn back like this.

[Joey Diaz]

There was another guy that went up on stage with a handcuff. He killed himself two years later. Whatever. The kid with the black suit that had body odor. It was insane. The open mic scene, we had the first transvestite. Like, people talk about trannies and stuff. We were running with the first transgender in 1995. Rita. Oh, I got her picture in my phone.

[Josh Wolf]

I. I Did I show it to you?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. Look at the size of her head. Okay. I was there when she called. I was there when she called the fucking White House.

[Josh Wolf]

She called the what?

[Joey Diaz]

The White House. I want to talk to the president. Because the. The bar. The bar in. What was that town? That. Where Carol stripped? Ballard.

[Josh Wolf]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Ballard. We were in Ballard one night, and we were up. I was hosting or something, or she was up there, and she was doing jokes, and then she said, fuck. And the guy came up and took the mic from her and said, no, you cannot say fuck in here. This is family. And we go, no, no, Give her back the mic. She'll be clean. And she went right back to fuck and sucked. So he goes, everybody out. Get out. So she had, like, a bag of coke and a bunch of pills. We went over to her house, and we're snorting coke and shit. And she's like, I don't understand why they don't let me say fuck. And I'm like, I don't know. Rita, cut another line. And she's Like, I don't get it. And I'm like, listen, if you got a problem, call the president. And she goes, I guess I will. And she picked up the phone and started calling. Can I get the White House, please? And I'm like, rita. And she's like, I want to talk to the president. They won't let me do dirty jokes. Hello? Hello? Hello? And they hung up on it. And she called back. And when she called back, I'm like, I. I'm gonna start taking this coke and some of these pills.

[Josh Wolf]

Someone's coming.

[Joey Diaz]

Because they're coming. They'll come. Within a minute, they'll come.

[Josh Wolf]

Someone's coming.

[Joey Diaz]

And sure enough, as I jumped in the car, the cops are coming down the block. I just. I can't believe you're leaving me. Yeah, because the cops got on their way, and you got $10,000 worth of pills here.

[Josh Wolf]

You're okay. You. In the many years that we've known each other, you haven't gotten me quite as good. But when Rita O. Died, and I asked you, how did she die? You had me believing that. Because her head was so big.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. She fell off the speaker. That's really happened.

[Josh Wolf]

Because her head, she was.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, her head was so big because she was a small Japanese.

[Josh Wolf]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

She was a small Japanese man. And then she became a woman and put a wig on. So the head stayed big, but her body lost all the weight. So she had this head that she would fall once a month and have to go to the hospital. And an ankle and all that shit.

[Josh Wolf]

She really fell off the speaker.

[Joey Diaz]

And she was dancing at that bar, the gay bar Capitol Hill, and she fell off the speaker and she banged the head. She went to a coma and she died. But she came to LA one time, and she started getting snippy with me. I owed her 500 bucks, and I wasn't gonna pay her, right. And I owed her 500 bucks from headshots or something. And she's like, I want my money. And she started yelling at me in my house. Cause she was a carol and I was making tomato soup. You ever hear about that story?

[Josh Wolf]

You did. Tell me this story.

[Joey Diaz]

I threw the tomato soup on both of them. I just said, shut the fuck up. There was tomato soup everywhere. The walls, the table, the fucking carpet.

[Josh Wolf]

You did owe her the money, huh?

[Lee Syatt]

And you did owe her the money.

[Joey Diaz]

Did what? You owed her the money. I owed her 500 bucks. And she's like, where am I getting my money? I said, so when I get the check, and she's like, I want it today. I go, you can't get it today. I'm not getting paid till they send me the fucking check. And she kept harping on me. Then Carol's like, you should pay her. I go, carol, you're my girlfriend. Do I have any fucking. How do you want to pay me? Why don't you fucking pay her? Yeah, she's got that and I'll pay you. And she's like, no. Okay, then fuck you. You gotta wait for my check. And they kept haunting me. And I was making tomato soup. Here it is. Tomato prison soup. Not even like good soup. It's Campbell's can. Shit. And I'm like, you wanna bust my balls? About 500 bucks? I mean, soup. And they're like, well, you're not gonna get bread. What? And I just threw the soup at everybody.

[Josh Wolf]

Let me ask you.

[Joey Diaz]

What. That.

[Josh Wolf]

That tomato soup, man. The. I remember that. She was so cheap, by the way.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, she's the cheapest. Okay. Ever.

[Josh Wolf]

So the re. You used to collect call me at work because she was too cheap to accept it.

[Joey Diaz]

The collect call at her.

[Josh Wolf]

So I had to do it.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah.

[Josh Wolf]

At where I worked. So she would come in and talk to you on the phone.

[Joey Diaz]

Look, she's a multi millionaire. Cheap. Cheap. Whatever the you want to call it. She's a more. I don't even think she buys tampons. She's that cheap. She just looks like a piece of cotton. Enough snatch. I don't know. She's cheap, though.

[Lee Syatt]

Multi million.

[Joey Diaz]

Multi million, bro.

[Josh Wolf]

But she never spent a dime, dude.

[Joey Diaz]

No. Listen, we're going to wrap this up, but let me close up with the Carol story. Carol and me broke up in 99. All right? And I think we played around. No, in 99, I moved in with her for a while. Like, I just lived with her. She lived in a one bedroom and I just told her I'm moving in. She was dating a guy. She would sleep at his house.

[Josh Wolf]

I remember that.

[Joey Diaz]

And then she'd come back and get naked in front of me.

[Josh Wolf]

Yeah, I remember.

[Joey Diaz]

She made me help her dye her pussy hair one night. Blonde. I mean, Carol is the best dog. That's my girl. Okay, so she started meeting some other guy. She met some other guy in la. And then that guy tied her up and was gonna kill her. And SWAT came. SWAT had to come and shoot the guy. And then he went to jail for a year and she moved to Florida. When she got to Florida, she met an Indian guy. Granted, she was probably 32 33. She meets this Indian guy who's 70. After about a month, she marries him. And after three weeks, that motherfucker dies.

[Josh Wolf]

I remember that dude.

[Joey Diaz]

And left like, $800,000. Okay. You know, you leave a cheap bitch, like, now. Do you think she stopped stripping and sucking dick? Oh, no. She still was stripping at her age. She did something very smart. She bought into a gym called Curves for Ladies. She bought one gym, and she was such a good saleswoman. Her volume compared to the other gyms in Michigan were nothing like. She's such a good. She's been selling pussy. She's eight. You know what I'm saying? On the farm. So think about her salesmanship skills. She bought one more, and then she bought one more. And then the guy that was the leader of that said, buy all of them. And she bought all of them.

[Josh Wolf]

Nah.

[Joey Diaz]

And then she sold them, and she got like $4 million back or $5 million. And she took that money and moved to Florida, started buying Airbnbs and selling them. So she's got, like, 18 Airbnbs.

[Josh Wolf]

No, she does not.

[Joey Diaz]

And then she married a dude. She had two kids with a dude, and they were doing coke, and he ran over a cop, so he had to leave the country. He's in Greece. He can't come back. So he raises the kids long distance with her from Greece, through messages through the mother.

[Josh Wolf]

Yeah, maybe I did. Maybe I saw him when I was over there, dog.

[Joey Diaz]

When I met him, when she introduced him to me, she made him buy me an eight ball, an el compadre. That's how much I love Carol. She's like, buy him an eight ball. And the guy's like, why buy him a fucking eight ball. He bought me an eight ball. That's coward. That's why you gotta love Carol.

[Josh Wolf]

Fuck. The el compadre was a crazy place. Oh, my God, dude.

[Joey Diaz]

She still has the best line in the world. She came home one day and she goes, you're not gonna believe what happened to me at work today. I go, what? She goes, a truck driver wanted to lick my asshole for $60. I go, did you do it? She goes, no, I didn't want coffee breath in my ass. She was dead serious. She was dead serious. I just looked at her like, I would have let him lick my ass for 60 bucks.

[Josh Wolf]

60.

[Joey Diaz]

I would have gave more than coffee breath. You know what I'm saying, Dog? You have no idea. I remember putting a bottle of. Not Martini and Rossi, the other one. The wine. Cool. And the pussy. One day we were at A the Bartles and James. Bartles and James. We were at a fucking resort, and it was a cave where people couldn't see in, but water was running. And we got into an argument, and she was laying there with a bottle. I was drinking the wine cooler, and she's laying that way, reading the book with her ass out. So I'm like, look at her ass. I took the corn. There was no wine cooler left. And I started rubbing her ass with the bottle tip. And then I fucking was robbing her monkey with the bottle tip. And then I just slid over the panties and started working her with the bottle like a fucking animal that I am. My dick started getting hard, and I'm working her with that bottle, and I'm pumping my hips, and I'm like, I'm gonna kill this bitch with this bottle. And she's like, ah, ah. And she's yelling, and I'm fingering with the bottle, and I'm getting all excited, and all of a sudden I hear ft and a bunch of blood shoots in the fucking bottle because the suction from the bottle pulled her whole period out. It was like brown blood. And I just dropped the bottle.

[Josh Wolf]

Did you faint?

[Joey Diaz]

Fainted like a motherfucker. She's trying to wake me up. People had to come over. And what happened? Nah, he fainted. The fucking bottle had blood on it. I thought I broke a pussy with the bottle. I thought it broke and it cut her pussy, but it was brown blood. It was that nostalgic area.

[Josh Wolf]

Do you still faint with blood?

[Joey Diaz]

I did for the ear surgery.

[Josh Wolf]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Like, when they took. When the lady took the. But I only fainted because the fat, chubby chick had sauerkraut breath, and she was breathing on me, and I could smell it. And I'm like, I'm getting anxiety. This chubby chick is breathing sauerkraut breath in my fucking place. When's the special come out, dog?

[Josh Wolf]

What's today? When does this come out?

[Joey Diaz]

Tomorrow. Tomorrow?

[Josh Wolf]

Oh, it's out today.

[Joey Diaz]

All right. It drops today. So tomorrow you can wake up in the morning and watch Josh Wolf, new special on YouTube. Where you @ this week?

[Josh Wolf]

San Antonio. I'm in San Antonio this week with Jacob comedian joshwolf.com for all the roast stuff.

[Joey Diaz]

And where are you this weekend?

[Lee Syatt]

On Friday, I'm in Oxford, Mississippi, and Saturday, I'm in Memphis.

[Joey Diaz]

You're definitely getting mugged this weekend.

[Josh Wolf]

You ain't coming back.

[Joey Diaz]

There ain't no Jews in Memphis and there ain't no Jews in Mississippi.

[Josh Wolf]

When are you touring?

[Joey Diaz]

Next I go to 23rd, Parks 6th, Florida, 28th, the Dojo Comedy for another bucket chaos. And this Thursday, I'm at the dojo comedy. And I just added September 5th at Uncle Vinny's, which they have, like, four tickets left. So. Get them now. Our tickets are hot. Whatever the fuck. I'm just trying to get loose for September 6th, and then. Why?

[Josh Wolf]

What's September 6th?

[Joey Diaz]

That's the gig. Oh, that's the gig.

[Josh Wolf]

Yeah. Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

So I got Philly the week before, and then we. Do you.

[Josh Wolf]

Do you know what it feels like, what the 45 minutes feels like right now?

[Joey Diaz]

I don't even. Yeah, but I don't even know what the 45 minutes is anymore. Like, that was then, this is now. I'm starting with a whole new set for this.

[Lee Syatt]

For Florida?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. Yeah. I'm gonna try it. Why not? Do some Spanish shit, pull up a story or two. I gotta get vulnerable again. So I gotta figure this shit out. So. But good luck on the special.

[Josh Wolf]

Thank you.

[Joey Diaz]

Dude, good luck in Memphis, cocksucker. And Mississippi, you're gonna need it. Wait till you go to Memphis. You see black people with red eyeballs and shit. Because they don't play in Memphis. They're those angry brothers. You know what I'm saying? They're angry.

[Josh Wolf]

Do not bring the yarmulke down there.

[Joey Diaz]

Do not bring a yarmulke down there.

[Josh Wolf]

No.

[Joey Diaz]

Because you will not make it. I love you, motherfuckers. Have a great week. And don't forget, football season is around the corner. We got good news coming for you. Stay black. Have a great week. And we'll see you next week. Tip top, Magoo. Love you, Sam.