Look at the shape of you

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament Episode: "Look at the Shape of You"
Release Date: July 22, 2025
Hosts: Joey "Coco" Diaz and Lee Syatt

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1. Birthday Celebrations and Personal Anecdotes

The episode kicks off with Joey Diaz enthusiastically wishing Lee Syatt a happy birthday. Joey humorously remarks on Lee's resilience, saying, "Dirty motherfucking seven. Hungry. Look at him. 12 years, he's still not dead" (03:03). The hosts share stories about their personal lives, including Lee's recent trip to Boston to spend time with his mother and his experiences navigating New York City's challenges.

2. Navigating the Challenges of Moving and Driving

Lee Syatt recounts his ordeal of driving a U-Haul truck in New York, highlighting his struggles due to his short stature: "I've never had cats. So I'm learning that there's a meow and then there's, 'I'm gonna try to, you up. Meow'" (10:03). Joey adds his own frustrations, emphasizing the difficulties of maneuvering large vehicles in urban settings and the unpredictable nature of driving in a bustling city.

3. Dealing with Pets: The Story of Polly the Cat

A significant portion of the conversation revolves around Lee's experiences with his girlfriend's cat, Polly. The hosts humorously discuss Polly's aggressive behavior and the challenges of bonding with a wary feline: "She's either gonna kill you or you're gonna kill her" (17:31). Joey offers playful advice on how to win over a difficult cat, suggesting, "Get some Bioma probiotics the goods. Kick this motherfucker Mule" (06:28).

4. The World is Getting Stupid: Observations and Rants

Joey and Lee delve into their segment titled "The World is Getting Stupid," where they vent about perceived declines in societal intelligence and behaviors. Joey shares anecdotes about encountering young individuals who, in his view, embody this trend: "I went into the weed store the other day and I seen two kids... they don't even know what I'm saying" (20:11). They criticize the antics of high-profile individuals, particularly focusing on a story about a wealthy man cheating at a Coldplay concert, highlighting what Joey perceives as a lack of common sense: "If you take your mistress to a Coldplay concert, you dumb fucking, generic, fucking Kool Aid, drinking" (24:54).

5. Comedy Insights: Writing for Yourself and Material Development

A core discussion centers on the art of stand-up comedy and the importance of authentic material. Joey emphasizes the necessity of writing for oneself rather than mimicking others: "The question is how to write for yourself. That's the million dollar question" (53:11). He shares his own journey of developing unique content by observing and avoiding clichéd topics, encouraging Lee to craft material that reflects his personal experiences and perspectives.

6. Personal Health Stories and Recovery

Joey opens up about his recent health struggles, detailing a series of medical issues that required multiple surgeries: "I had this boil in my ear... they had to pull this tooth... I'm still standing, motherfuckers" (49:31). He describes his recovery process, including dietary changes and the incorporation of probiotics to restore his gut health: "Bioma is here to fix all that... your gut is the foundation of overall health and vitality" (00:00). Joey's candid recounting offers listeners a glimpse into his resilience and determination to overcome personal setbacks.

7. Upcoming Events and Supporting Fellow Artists

Towards the end of the episode, Joey and Lee discuss upcoming comedy events, notably Lee's competition at St. Mark's Comedy Club. Joey passionately encourages listeners to support Lee, stating, "Go up there and jump up and down. Lee's gonna have some new material. No baby material. We're getting rid of that" (81:35). This segment underscores the hosts' camaraderie and commitment to uplifting each other's careers.

8. Humorous Interludes and Light-Hearted Banter

Throughout the episode, the hosts engage in playful teasing and humorous exchanges, adding levity to their discussions. Whether they're mocking each other's driving skills, poking fun at celebrity behaviors, or sharing funny mishaps, Joey and Lee maintain a lively and entertaining atmosphere that keeps listeners engaged.

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Notable Quotes:

• Joey Diaz: "If your gut gets thrown off, everything gets thrown off. Your mood, your digestion, your energy, basically your whole life. Bioma is here to fix all that." (00:00)

• Lee Syatt: "Her cat is a, like, just doesn't like anybody. She's anti-people." (09:07)

• Joey Diaz: "The world is getting stupid. When did the world become stupid? When a guy takes his side piece to a Coldplay concert." (24:54)

• Joey Diaz: "The question is how to write for yourself. That's the million dollar question." (53:11)

• Joey Diaz: "Bioma has been tremendous. So your gut is the foundation of overall health and vitality." (49:31)

• Joey Diaz: "Go up there and jump up and down. Lee's gonna have some new material. No baby material. We're getting rid of that." (81:35)

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Conclusion

In "Look at the Shape of You," Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt blend humor with candid discussions about personal challenges, the art of comedy, and observations on societal trends. Their dynamic interplay offers listeners both laughter and insightful reflections, making the episode a compelling listen for fans and newcomers alike.

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Note: Timecodes correspond to approximate moments within the transcript provided.

Transcript

[Joey Diaz]

What's happening, you savages? Uncle Joey and his trusted fucking partner of death here, Lee Syed. It's a Tuesday morning, the 22nd of July, and it's the church New Testament coming at you. Let's start this mother. What up, Uncle Joey? Here, let me talk to you about something. If your gut gets thrown off, everything gets thrown off. Your mood, your digestion, you, Your energy, basically your whole life. Bioma is here to fix all that. It's a blend of pre pro postbiotics that get you back in the zone, taking those smooth, tremendous shits again. There's nothing like taking antibiotics, pain pills, and all of a sudden you're backed up like a fucking piece of cheese is back there and you're pushing and putting. Listen, Bioma's there to take care of you and bring your gut back little by little. Whether you're looking to drop some weight or take care of that hair, skin and nails, or get your feminine health on track, Bioma has what you need. Listen, I've just gone through hell with antibiotics and Bioma has been tremendous. So your gut is the foundation of overall health and vitality. If you want to be a motherfucking savage and sling dick with three hands, you better keep it in check with Bioma. Listen, what I'm going to do for you right now on a Beautiful Tuesday, take 15% off your Bioma order. When you press in code [e-mail] Church again. You're just sitting at home listening to this and I'm talking about probiotics and you're like, joey, I've been looking for a probiotic to balance me out. My hair looks terrible, my ass smells like billy goats. I don't need this shit in my life no more. Get some Bioma. That's 15% off with code [e-mail]. oh, gobioma.com church again. That's gobioma.com church or click in the link in the show notes and get yourself Bioma probiotics the goods. Kick this motherfucker Mule. What up? What's happening, Lee?

[Lee Syatt]

Good to see you, dude.

[Joey Diaz]

Good to see you. How was your weekend up in Boston?

[Lee Syatt]

It was well.

[Joey Diaz]

But wait, whoa, whoa, whoa. Before we get into anything, it's birthday. It's happy birthday, Lee. Syat.

[Lee Syatt]

Thanks.

[Joey Diaz]

Dirty motherfucking seven. Hungry. Look at him. 12 years, he's still not dead. You know what I'm saying? You could say that. He takes a licking and keeps on fucking ticking.

[Lee Syatt]

I definitely had to drink.

[Joey Diaz]

I give him different edible combinations. I throw different defenses at him. I mix it up and he's fucking survived. I love you, buddy.

[Lee Syatt]

Thank, dude, do you know how like Stanhope has like a death pool?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah.

[Lee Syatt]

Do you think I must be on somebody's all those edibles. You don't think so? At £300 taking 2,000 dick pool.

[Joey Diaz]

That's what we're at, Jack. We don't work. Who's on the Deadpool, you fucking mook. You don't work like that. We're slinging big dick up there.

[Lee Syatt]

He said, I'm just. I'm still alive. Which is.

[Joey Diaz]

That's right. That's good. We're both still alive. I mean, listen, I met you, I was a little younger. Now I'm an old billy goat. That's when I was a young billy goat and 14 years. Still here. But happy birthday.

[Lee Syatt]

Thank you.

[Joey Diaz]

And I know you spent the weekend up in Boston with mom.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, it was nice to spend it with her.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, it was very nice. Look at you.

[Lee Syatt]

But I do. I'm surprised I didn't like, there wasn't a news story about a bald you killing people on the highway with a U Haul. I had to drive a U Haul in New York, first of all. And then I had to drive. I'm so. I'm so short that I don't drive. Like. Like one time they tried to give me a pickup at like a car rental place. And I got out and I couldn't even see over the top. It was a dude. I had to drop the 405 on the way to work. And I told them, like, I'm gonna kill someone if I'm trying to. I can't see over anything. And I dude, my mirror. I've never driven a truck. When have I ever driven a moving truck? Which is crazy that I'm allowed to for 400. I picked it up at a Shell station and the guy, it was dirty as it was, but the mirror, the right mirror, every time the car shook, would turn. So I was on the highway fucking. And I couldn't roll down the window to even check it was a twist turn. Mirror. Still.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, still 19, 20.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh my God.

[Joey Diaz]

Has 2000 million vehicles and all of them have a fucking knob.

[Lee Syatt]

And then I didn't think about this. I was using Google Maps and it took me on a highway. And thankfully, right before the exit, they're like, hey, this is a no commercial vehicle. Nothing over 10ft. And I was 11ft. If I'd gone one more exit, I would have been either stuck or like, I'd be one of those. Those videos were like, the top of the truck comes off would. So it's fucking wild that I survived this. And by the way, it is funny about the stairs. I was laughing because I always hire movers and they fucking hate me. They. They know it's four flights, but they're happy on the phone with the four flights. And then I got into my. I got into my apartment, clean it out, and, like, there was. I had some stuff in the fridge in the freezer, and it was, like, all frosty. And I figured they were just putting their heads in the freezer because they had to go up and down, like, 18 times. Oh, it's the best. I love high. Listen.

[Joey Diaz]

I mean, if you're gonna go up four flights of steps, I'm gonna tip you extra.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

But I'm gonna sit there and watch you die. You know, I ain't grabbing. I ain't grabbing nothing. I'll cheer you on. I'm like one of those white people in a race. I throw water at you and throw a little towel at you and shit. And. Yeah, maybe give you some Gatorade and rub your shoulders.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

On the way up. But I'm not even gonna try that shit. Like, that's something for, like, really young people. Four flights of steps is. You're 22, you have no money, and you live with 10 dudes in an apartment. And you could puke up there. You could do whatever. I mean, that's.

[Lee Syatt]

And they're in shape. Like, I. These guys were nice, but the guys, when I moved in where it was, there I had white guys this time.

[Joey Diaz]

You know what you gotta do. Let's call them up next time and go, listen, I got four floors, but don't worry about it. Bring me big guys, because I got a ton of food I'm gonna give away. And they'll bring three guys looking like me. After that first flight, just watch them go down, mouth to mouth. Fucking Mexican immigration.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

It's fucking hysterical.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah. It would not be like I did. I had to do, like three trips and I was drenched, brutal.

[Joey Diaz]

And I couldn't imagine. Listen, I'm not gonna lie to you guys. I was really sick in January. And there was one point in March that I could not walk from my chair to the bathroom. I would just have to get a cup from the refrigerator. I put, like, a pee cup up there at one time. Cause I knew just to take the pressure off me so I could pee, like three inches and then make it to the bathroom. And three inches. You think I'm fucking kidding you?

[Lee Syatt]

I don't know what that means.

[Joey Diaz]

When I got, you know, like three.

[Lee Syatt]

Three inches of your.

[Joey Diaz]

Three inches of.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, okay.

[Joey Diaz]

Just take the pressure off me. And I could breathe and regain my fucking breath, okay? And then I would go into the bathroom and pee. But there were nights that, you guys know me, I wouldn't eat because I had to walk up those steps.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, damn.

[Joey Diaz]

I got cold water down here like a motherfucker. That's it. Everything's upstairs. And I would sit down there until my wife came home or whatever. And I'd tell her, I can't walk up. So I know. Just. I can't even imagine four fucking flights of steps. And you get all the way upstairs, right? You fucking sit down and all of a sudden. Cause even the Chinese people won't come back. Like, if they deliver the food for you and they forget the spare ribs, they ain't coming back. Oh, yeah, no, no. We give credit, man. That's it. He ain't going back up. The guy will come back. No, I ain't going back up those steps. There's no way I'm going back up those steps.

[Lee Syatt]

I was surprised that delivery guys would do it when I first moved there. I was like, oh, there's no way. And they came up the stairs, God bless them. Oh, but those. The Hispanic movers, dude, they ran up and down when I moved in with more shit. And after it, they smoked cigarettes outside. It was the most impressive. They were so much better than the White Russian ones.

[Joey Diaz]

They train with backpacks. Those are the same migrants that walk all over the place with a backpack. And you see them, they got to get to where they're going. But all in all, you had a good weekend?

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, it was great. It's. I'm very. It's crazy. There's a. You know, not everyone gets, like, to have their parents when. Like, when I'm you 37 with parents is.

[Joey Diaz]

That's big, bro.

[Lee Syatt]

It's big. So it's nice to spend it with her.

[Joey Diaz]

Good for you, my friend.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, it was fun.

[Joey Diaz]

And the girlfriend's still out of town. You're lonely?

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, the three weeks. Her cat, dude. Ha. Her cat is a. Like, Just doesn't like anybody. She's anti people.

[Joey Diaz]

He was sleeping and she crawled up on the bed just to whack him and crawled right back.

[Lee Syatt]

Well, she's mad because her, like, my girl's been gone for like 11 days or something, so. And so she, like, when she's around the cat will, like, allow me to be there. Like, because I gave it treats, it would, like, follow me and. And, like, kind of, like, nip at my feet a little bit into the treats. And if I didn't give the treats fast enough, it would whack me. But now, because I was gone a lot last week, like, I stayed in Harlem. Packing up now. When I get to the apartment, it's like. Because I've never had cats. So I'm learning that there's a meow and then there's. I'm gonna. You up. Meow.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. There's like, three different meows. I'm hungry. Meow. Pet me. Meow. I hate Jews. Meow. That's the meow you get the most. It's like, maybe she's German. You ever think of that?

[Lee Syatt]

She might be, but she's. Apparently, she attacks everybody. She attacked the cleaning lady, the other. And she's a cute cat. I got these things, they're like, spray stuff out. That's supposed to calm cats down.

[Joey Diaz]

No, no. Catnip. George is right.

[Lee Syatt]

She has catnip. Okay, you got to give it to.

[Joey Diaz]

Her and play with her and get the.

[Lee Syatt]

I can't talk. I can't touch his cat.

[Joey Diaz]

No, you don't touch you when they have the thing. Just get a string. Cats get amused, and it's time. At first, you're gonna look at you and go, go fuck yourself, you Jew cocksucker. And then.

[Lee Syatt]

And then you think, I should get a toy.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, get a couple toys for her.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay, I'll try it.

[Joey Diaz]

Become a friend.

[Lee Syatt]

I like this. I wanna like this cat.

[Joey Diaz]

You got another 12 days with this crazy bitch. She's either gonna kill you or you're gonna kill her. She's gonna fucking get. You're gonna wake up, you're gonna be like Henry killing Goodfellas when his wife's on top of him with the fucking gun. Henry, dude, that's you.

[Lee Syatt]

Dude. Her place doesn't have a bedroom door. Like, it's just the way it's set up. So I have a. Like, boxes. Moving boxes set up as, like a. Like a barrier.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, no, don't get around.

[Lee Syatt]

I have to walk around the apartment. I have pillows stashed around the apartment because I walk around with it. Like. Like it's a goalie leg pad.

[Joey Diaz]

Like, she's gonna cook in the leg.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh. Because she loves getting at me. The leg. Oh, my God, she loves it. And it stings. Why does getting scratched by a cat. To sting?

[Joey Diaz]

Because they got shit on their nails.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, she always. Yeah, she always cleans her fucking paws after she does it.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, yeah, because then they rip.

[Lee Syatt]

And we've been cool, but I think it's because she's lonely or something.

[Joey Diaz]

She's lonely. But bring her tonight. Stop at whatever in the city. They're open. Stop at one of those Kmart and get, like, just a cat department and get her a nice little catnip and get her some toys. The fishing rod with the fish.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, they love that shit. They lose their fucking mind. Get us something. The laser.

[Lee Syatt]

Apparently the lasers are illegal in New York, is what I've been told.

[Joey Diaz]

They don't sell them and then get the ball where you put the thing in the catnip, and they play with it. Okay?

[Lee Syatt]

I've never tried playing, bro.

[Joey Diaz]

Let me tell you something. One of the best things I've ever done in my life is get super high and play with the cat. Okay? That's an hour and a half. Finally you go, am I a fucking idiot? I mean, is there something wrong with me? I used to have a cat. I would get high at night, and I would get a towel, a piece of blank paper, and go. And he would. She would. He would charge up and shoot, and I would go, ole. And I would do that shit for fucking two hours a night.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah. Because you. You're so cool with your cats. And that was. You're my first person that, like, you're.

[Joey Diaz]

So cool with your cats, dude.

[Lee Syatt]

Because the most cats. I've never been attacked, but, like, most cats are, like. They just. They're weird. Like, everyone's like, I have a cat, but it hides. You won't see it. And then, like, every once in a while, you'll see it running from one room to another, but it hides under furniture. Like, I'm used to dogs who are.

[Joey Diaz]

Like, listen, I didn't start out a cat lover, okay? I didn't start out a cat lover. I was scared of cats. And I was scared. After we pulled the burglary in 83. And the lady kept telling us every time we went over there, 83 was.

[Lee Syatt]

A hell of a year for you.

[Joey Diaz]

Every time it was 84. I'm sorry. It was 84. Right before I went homeless, God punished me for robbing this house. And every time I went over there to buy coke, the lady would go, hold on. And she'd go, this is downtown North Bergen, okay? And she'd go, how much do you have? 250. Okay, hold on. Let me go weigh it in the room. And I'll bring it back to you. This went on for six months. And finally, you know, like, when everybody goes over there, we all got together one night and we're like, I forget what her fucking name was. Zorinda. She was Colombian, really pretty. And every time people went over there, it was 20 minutes to get your shit. 20 minutes. You had to go in the back and pet the fucking thing. So we had an idea that maybe she's got a bodyguard back there or just a guy she's fucking back there. So one day we decided to just break into her house and find out for ourselves. It was a cat. One of those Siamese cats.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, no.

[Joey Diaz]

And as my friend came out to throw the loot off the balcony, I never saw that. The cat flew, landed on his head and clawed right here. And he's up there and we're like, grab her off. And he's like, I can't, I can't. He's trying to grab the cat. And every time he'd get the cat this off, the cat would switch to this paw and would rip this. Oh, my God. It was hysterical. We got in the car, that motherfucker was bleeding. When I see him today, I always go, let me touch the cat scars. Fuck you. You still remember that, you motherfucker.

[Lee Syatt]

And he still hates cats.

[Joey Diaz]

No. And then I went to Aspen and Steve Schiavone, his girlfriend, he had the dog, but she had two cats. And I don't understand. Listen, cats are a fucking weird animal. I love my female cat, but I'll tell you, I'm the person to tell you, she's a fucking bitch. It's all on her terms. And at the end of the week, you end up respecting that. The big reason why people don't like cats is because you can't go, come here, killer. They'll look at you and go, go fuck your mother and walk me out of the way. And you're like, what the fuck? I feed you, I clean your little box. I give you yum yums. You feel they have to come to you on their terms. You have to treat them. If you're a man, you have to treat them how you would treat a female you were fucking trying to pick up. If you go after a woman, you're like, she's gonna fucking leave. Cats. You gotta give them a flower and then disappear for two weeks until they come to you. Cats are insecure. Like we are as comics, right? We go to a comedy show, and I say this about a lot of big names. Like, there was one particular Big name that I would watch at the Comedy Store when I first got there. And if you watch those guys, I'm with George, I'm with Nick, I'm with Lee. And with my best friends in the world, I'm having a good time. But I want to know why Polly is standing over there and he won't come over. I'm not concerned in a follow me guys at all in a psychological. I'm with my friends, but I'm concerned. Why isn't that motherfucker over here with us? I don't know what I'm getting.

[Lee Syatt]

And that's you as a cat.

[Joey Diaz]

That's a cat. If you go home chasing a cat, like when you get this cat nip, you're going to go home, you're going to be tied, you're going to open up this bag and she's going to look at you and probably swat you just out of fucking Jew hating, you know. You know how it is. She went to nyu, you know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syatt]

She's in Free Palestine. Fuck it. Jesus Christ.

[Joey Diaz]

And you're going to go, fuck you, Joey. You don't know what you're talking about. Give her a couple days. Take the thing out, put the thing in there, put it on the floor, make the jiggle, throw the fucking fit. How long now? It's a duel of the. What do you call it? Not the fittest, but a duel of wits. Who could do this for the longest without her attacking or without you giving up?

[Lee Syatt]

I just don't want to get attacked.

[Joey Diaz]

She's not going to attack you. After a while she's going to start attacking that thing.

[Lee Syatt]

But every time she sees me, it's like the danger.

[Joey Diaz]

Well, then you have the stick and you whack her with the stick and let's get back to the fish.

[Lee Syatt]

I can't wag the fucking cat.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, you can't. Every once in a while. Listen, that's how it's gonna cross. You're either gonna have to kick it or fuck and hit it with pillow.

[Lee Syatt]

I just whack it with the pillows. I just move it when it comes at me.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm just joking here. But what I mean is, I go whack. Just. You have to just put that shit out. And then one day you're gonna be sitting there high as fuck and that cat's gonna pick that thing up. Not only that, jump on your lap and bring it to you and you're gonna be like. Cause I know that's how you know that's How I would be. You're petrified. And then they start doing this to you and you really don't know what that is. Like, I don't know. You know, I didn't know. So that made me kind of not like cats. You know what I mean?

[Lee Syatt]

But I don't want to like them. I want to like them.

[Joey Diaz]

You have to, because she's got a cat. And any other woman, every other woman you're going to be with has a cat or likes a cat. And if you want to get into the cat, you gotta like the cat. Okay, We've been cool.

[Lee Syatt]

We've been cool up until now. So hopefully when she gets back, wait.

[Joey Diaz]

Till you start dating, like, let's say, God forbid. I love an issue with all my heart, but God forbid you guys break up. Two years from now, every girl you're gonna meet, especially in the Arab descent or whatever, they're all gonna come up to you and say to you, listen, you know, you wanna come up and see my cat? What do you think? You wanna come up and get attacked? That means come up and see my fucking cat. We're from Persia. I'll teach you how to fucking whatever. I don't know what these people think.

[Lee Syatt]

I love the scenario that you're in. This woman, like, being very aggressive with her pussy.

[Joey Diaz]

Every time I see, like, a hot Arab chicken, that chick got a badass fucking cat at the house. I don't know why. Every time I see a beautiful Indian woman, I'm like, that chick got a mystical cat at the house. Like one of those cats that reads your fortune and shit, tells you who's gonna win tonight if the Red Sox are gonna cover against the Phillies.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

Let's talk about something that Lee and I discuss. George and I discuss. I'm 62. My IQ is probably like 84. Like, I'm just a. All right. I mean, I have a ged. I'm not well spoken. I curse. I'm insecure. You know, I got a lot of problems. But when a guy like me has to go. And Lee and I asked each other this question every other day. When did the world get this fucking stupid? When did the world. I was telling my fucking wife that what we have now is not that we're dumb. Also, we have another thing that's going on. It's called nerds. I have never seen, even at the weed store. Listen, we were kids. Nerds didn't smoke weed. They fucking built models or whatever the fuck they did. They still do. How the fuck they did you know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syatt]

Get really high in there.

[Joey Diaz]

Like nerdy guys play computer games. They just stayed away from all that. I went into the weed store the other day and I seen two kids, both of them were 20. They're online. They couldn't look any goofier. The glasses, the braces, the curly. That new perm that these little faggots put on their head to stick out. They both had those fucking shoes. Glocks. What do you call those? Crocs. What is it?

[Lee Syatt]

Crocs.

[Joey Diaz]

Crocs on right away, you're fucking losing with me. You're like -88 as a human being right now, and I'm a felon, you know what I'm saying? They saw me. The one kid looked at me and all of a sudden they went back. I got my weed. When I walk outside, they're both out there and they're like, hey, Joey, can you take a picture with us? It's my birthday. And I'm like, sure. And I'm looking at these guys. You know what they were in there for? That their vapor pen was broken. And I'm like. So I'm goofing on them. On them. They don't even know. I'm like, so your vapor pen broke? They're like, yeah, man, we don't know what the hell happened. And I'm like, 30 years ago, me and George were just walking into the back. We got a box full of vapor pens for you. A box. I'm gonna give it to you for free. Come on. We would have beat him right there, George. Those two kids, I would. You had to beat them. It's like that thing in la. People got. Well, what would you talk? A girl. If I go into anybody and I go, hey, if I get you on stage, you're gonna suck my dick. And they go, yeah, and you suck my dick, I'm gonna keep doing it. You know what I'm saying? It's. It's the same thing. I mean, that's quite the defense, huh?

[Lee Syatt]

That's cool. I'm gonna keep doing it.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, yeah. If you're this stupid. Do you understand me? If you go to yourself, wait a second. I've sucked this dick 18 times. I've never gotten on stage. And you go, okay, finally. Maybe it's a joke on me, but what was I getting to? These are.

[Lee Syatt]

I'm not sure.

[Joey Diaz]

Chiba Chews back in the house. Jack, we did about 400 milligrams and a fucking 120 of that pagan strain. So what are we getting to.

[Lee Syatt]

Who knows?

[Joey Diaz]

I know. Who knows? But if you're gonna keep that stupid. If you're gonna keep falling for something as a human being, they're gonna keep doing it to you. You have to. There's always gonna be somebody who's gonna go. It's like the kid who told me, do you know anybody who tastes how to get into the Mob? And when I said to him, yeah, I got a guy in the Bronx right there. You're like, ah, if I'm gonna keep going until you bite. And he's like, what do I gotta do? I go, yeah, let me call the guy. Because I couldn't believe I was hearing this. And I'm like, I'll come back in a few days. And I milked him perfectly. Because if I would have gone for it, he would have known I was a scam. I went home and thought about it and came back and listened. I talked to that guy in the Bronx, and I went to Kmart by my house and got a book of applications for 99 cents. And I ripped the application right off. They put it in a yellow envelope and put, like, Nicky Scars on it and gave it to him.

[Lee Syatt]

Nikki Scars.

[Joey Diaz]

And I'm like, fill this out. And you gotta give me 2,000 and a money order. No names on the money order. Just make it out the cash. This guy did all this shit. So, you know, why wouldn't I. Why would I stop? What am I going to do? Wait for him to give me the money and go, I was just goofing on you. That's $2,000 and I need to pay the rent. If you're that stupid, I gotta rob you. That was always my world. If you're that fucking stupid, I'm gonna rob you. You cannot live your life like this. Anyway, Lee and I always have a segment in our morning conversations called the World is Getting Stupid. And then my wife and I were talking about, you know, just different things that I see that were really fucking nerds. Like, my neighbors, I thought they were, like, cool and shit. They tell me what concerts they're going to see. I stopped talking to them. Like, I had to stop talking to them.

[Lee Syatt]

What are they going to see?

[Joey Diaz]

I'm not even going to disclose, okay? And they're favorite comic was. And I'm like, done. Blocked, blocked, blocked. I don't even want to. I don't even want you borrowing the shovel. You know what I'm saying? That's how much you're blocked. Like, I'm up to that point in my Life. I don't want to hear it no more. Anyway, what are we talking about? Anyway, so something happened last week that I didn't really think about because I'm not smart like you people. I don't jump on things right away. I need to process it. And then I run it towards the lieutenants here, and we laugh about it. And then I run it by my wife, because my wife. And I tell my wife exactly how I feel about a subject. And we had this conversation today. Let's start with it, nice and simple. How stupid can you fucking be? What was the other thing we talked about? When did the world become stupid? I'll tell you when. When a guy takes his side piece to qc. Coldplay.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

That's when you're that stupid. See, this is a whole. We could do two weeks on this fucking subject. Because this shows you what I'm telling people. Nick and I discussed this this afternoon. I don't know. Everybody says he's worth 1.2 billion. Is that what he's worth or is that what he's got in the bank?

[Lee Syatt]

Probably worth.

[Joey Diaz]

Okay, so he's probably worth 900 million cash somewhere. There's 900 million with his name on it, his wife, whatever the fuck, after he gets caught cheating. That's still 450. Are you fucking kidding me? You took your stupid assistant to a Coldplay concert? For starters. You should get caught just for that, for going to see Coldplay. Cause they're not the band. Is this worth cheating for? If you're gonna cheat, cheat with fucking Stones or fucking Ozzy's last hurrah in England. You went to Coldplay? You dumb, fucking, generic, fucking Kool Aid, drinking, fucking. Did you see him? Did you see how a hundred. What did he work. Anyway?

[Lee Syatt]

He was loving it, too. It wasn't like they were just having a great.

[Joey Diaz]

He's a fuck again. He's. This is why I tell you people, I don't care how stupid you think you are, you, too can make $1.2 billion. Because this guy just showed you how fucking stupid he is. Okay, remember that book O.J. wrote? If I was gonna do it. Yeah, if I was gonna do it. If I got 900 million, I'm sure I got a little money scattered around somewhere. Okay, you got a little money scattered around somewhere? Then I just call an agent and go, hi, caa. My name is Whatever, Johnny Astronaut, whatever the fuck he was, right? I want to make a movie. About what? I don't know. But I got $3 million with your name on it. If you meet me today, I got a proposal for you. Let's just make up a short film. Get me Brad Pitt. Get me somebody else. Let's take him to Rome and let's say we're shooting a movie and I'll take this chick as my assistant. Even if I don't shoot movies, you know, I'm going over to them. What are you doing? Well, I shoot him. Oh, you can't go. You can meet me in a couple months. I'll be scuba diving for a month. I'm going to take that chick over there. And you saw that steak I ate. That's what a pussy's gonna look like. Okay? I'm gonna light that chick's pussy on fire. If you're gonna cheat. Cheating don't mean you go to a Coldplay concert. Cheating means we meet, we fuck, suck, I rip your bra, I come in your mouth, and then we go. See you next week. And we get in each other's cars and we fucking tiddly do. You don't go in your fucking mistress's car. You don't do nothing. This is like dumb shit 101. How would you do it, Joey? Hey, a fucking beard. If you're going to take a mistress out or if you're abroad and you're going to take a guy out, you need to get a fucking beard.

[Lee Syatt]

What does that mean? They had her next to him.

[Joey Diaz]

That goofy broad had nothing to do with it. She was the setup. She knew and she was just giggling like a fucking retard. That again. You could pay a chick a half mil. Listen, just stand right there. Just stand right there with us, okay? Number two. Why are you hugging her? You're supposed to be fucking her in the ass, not hugging her from behind. Playing Look Memories. No, that's not it. What the fuck are you doing, you dumb fuck? You fucking moron. With that dick face of his. Then when the camera caught him, both of them are looking for their wallet on the floor. Both of them. That and number two, I just keep holding you and waving. And when my wife says, what happened? She didn't feel good. So I was holding on to anything.

[Lee Syatt]

No, it never would have been a thing. It was only a thing because, like, it wasn't like they were looking for their wallet. I think she basically dropped to the floor and he did like a 360 or something.

[Joey Diaz]

He turned, Listen. That dude was whiter than white. That dude was whiter than white. And his face got even whiter. Look at that picture. He's Fucking pale. He shit himself. And that. Listen. Oh, my God. I just never understood that. If you're gonna go, you gotta go. You gotta go. But you're not gonna take a girl to a fucking. Listen, you know what I pray for all the time? I pray that a hot girl doesn't sit next to me in the ufc. Do you see what happens when I go to the ufc? Nephew Nick. Nephew number one. Do you see what happens? I'm staring at some girl's ass. I always get in trouble for something at a ufc. Could you imagine if you put a hot chick or a young chick next to me, dog? They'd put me under the fucking jail. I don't. I think I went to one UFC where, like, three chicks were gonna sit there, and I go, no, I put, like, fucking two fat guys. I go, you take the seat. I'll seat behind you next to the fucking. You know. Cause that's all you need. Now. I gotta explain that. Now, listen, my wife knows I'm a fucking mental midget. She knows I'm not. You know, but if I was gonna give somebody a stabbing, it wouldn't be at a Coldplay concert.

[Lee Syatt]

What concert would you go to?

[Joey Diaz]

None. There's no concerts. There's like, a meeting. We come over here, we look at cameras, and all of a sudden, next thing you know, you ever been next to a woman, man? And we've all. All of this has happened to us one time. You ever been next to a woman and you're, like, on the borderline of fainting because you want that woman so bad? That's happened to me when I was 16, that little hot MILF in my neighborhood, Faye Cardinali. When I touched her leg, dog, I almost melted. Like, I'm not lying. I'm telling you the truth. At 16, my body couldn't handle that. And there's been other situations where, as I got older, you're a little coked up, and the chick is like. Her bra is halfway there. Her nipples popped out. She's doing coke with you. Every time she goes to the bathroom, she comes out and she ties her button and shows you the top of her pubic hairs, you know? And you're like, what do I do as a man? You know what I'm saying? Those decisions have always killed me. And one day I just say, just ask them, hey, listen, you're walking around with your pussy out. Either take it off or put it back on. Oh, you want me to take them off? Yeah, take them off. Why would I take them off? I have A boyfriend? Oh, you never told me. But you. If I. If my girl. If I had a girlfriend, she's walking around with a tip. Anyway, it doesn't matter. But you know what I'm talking about here.

[Lee Syatt]

I feel you.

[Joey Diaz]

It's. I know you feel me, you galoop. See what happened one another cheap at you. No. So it's just crazy how I look at this and I go, how does this happen? Where was this Coldplay concert at?

[Lee Syatt]

I think it was like either Gillette or Fenway. I can't.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, my God, what a fucking shame. And both of them now, right? They both quit. I don't know. He resigned, my wife was saying. But me and my wife were howling. Talking about this today. Like, there's so many different ways if you're gonna do this. It's like everything else. We've all forgotten why we're in this struggle. Cheat is to cheat, maybe. I mean, let's say I had millions of dollars, I would meet a chick. Where can you meet her? Guys, where can I meet a woman without somebody going to me? Hey, aren't you Joey Diaz?

[Lee Syatt]

Probably have to be online.

[Joey Diaz]

We follow her on your Instagram. Where am I gonna fuck her? Online. Online. What am I gonna AI. Into a fucking bedroom?

[Lee Syatt]

No, you introduce. You slide into the DMs.

[Joey Diaz]

No, I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about like, okay, let's say I just wasn't Joey Diaz. Let's say I was just a normal platoon and I love my wife. But we've been together for 30 fucking years. And every once in a while, you gotta make sure everything's, you know, still tip top, Magoo, okay? You're risking everything in the world. I'm risking my daughter's love. I'm risking a whole type of thing. Now, let me explain something to you. I've been with Terry for 25 years. If you don't think I've had situations where I wanted to fuck somebody, or if you don't think I've had situations where, you know, you almost come, you haven't. We're men. We're men. We're on the fucking road. Things are going to happen. But I'll tell you something about me. Once I come close to a situation like that, and I get out of it and my heart starts beating and I smoke some pot and process it. That's it. Cause I don't want to feel like that ever fucking again. Right? You know what I'm saying? Listen, everybody loves their wife, but everybody loves a little blowjob. More. Just a little tiny one that you bump into in the hallway on the way to fucking the bathroom or something. You know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syatt]

Every man said one.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm just telling you. And people are going to say, joey, fuck you and your fucking hypocrisies. Everybody loves their wife to death. I wouldn't have a life without my wife. I can't pick up the phone and call a woman and go, hey, I want to meet you somewhere and I want you to lick my nuts. That's not good karma. But if I'm walking down the street to my car and some chick. There was a chick walking down here last week that walks a dog late at night, like 9:30, fucking beautiful. I was in the car and I'm like, where the did she come from? She could have mugged me. I didn't even see it. She had hot little pants on, a little those dirty flip flops. She was Spanish. What if she just runs up to you and go, it's party time. Take it out.

[Lee Syatt]

It's party time.

[Joey Diaz]

And that'll never happen, right? It's the shit that. Listen, what do you think keeps me alive at night? The shit that goes through your stupid mind when you're high? How many times I throw something on and you don't even watching it? You don't even watch it. You just put it on. You're listening to a few things, but you're thinking about all this other shit. I'm 62. I live in my fucking head. You know? I live in my fucking head. Let me tell you how much I live in my head. I'm sitting there Saturday night, high as a motherfucker. We went to Jasper Saturday. My daughter had three games. But something happened during the first game. And she went home after the first game and she went right to bed. She didn't fucking feel good at all. And she was supposed to wake up and go to a party. She goes, dad, I'm not even gonna go. I'm not even going. I don't even feel good. But then at 7, she got up and she's like, dad, I want to get out of here. And I go, we'll call somebody. And she called her friend. The friend said, yeah, come over. Come over and watch a movie with me. And my mom, my wife dropped her over, dropped her off. And I go, terry, what? What the fuck? It was earlier, it was six, the party was at four, and Mercy's, like at five. She's like, I don't want to go. I just want to Go to my friend. So I said, okay. We get in the car, me and my wife, we drop her off and we just go driving around. I don't want to go to the same fucking restaurants, you know, let's get the fuck out of here. And as we're getting the fuck out of there, I see this restaurant. Everybody says, well, two people say, it's fucking great. You gotta go there. Both. The one guy's Mr. Health. And he calls it from the fucking tape from the. What is it, Nick? From the farm to the table. So me and my wife went in that dog. It's called Jasper Stone. And I didn't know what to expect. Now my nephew brought it up to me, and fucking George. I usually don't do well with yu beef, but it was the special. I knew I was going to get seafood for my wife. My wife likes oysters, so I knew she'd get. So I asked for the half a tower. Thank fucking God they gave me half the ocean on that mother. Huh?

[Lee Syatt]

You ordered half a tower?

[Joey Diaz]

Half a tower. They had a tower or half? Doug, please. That's a lot and a half a tower. So I was like, holy fuck. So I ate the. I ordered the whatever steak, you know, not thinking of anything. Next thing you know, this little Bond guy comes up to me with a steak dangling from a chain. I'm like, did he even leave a suicide note, this motherfucker? It was a piece of meat, like a head. I thought it was Jesus on the meat. If I was Mexican, it would have been like, fucking. And he just lit it on fire, dog. Yeah, it was tremendous. He lit it on fire.

[Lee Syatt]

I just sent it to Joe, or. I wish I could get it up there.

[Joey Diaz]

My God, this meat. I ate three pieces of it because the seafood had filled me up. And it took it home. Like, I just couldn't finish. I couldn't finish the garlic. I only ate a little piece of the bacon. I had a really good time in there. You ever go to a restaurant? I did something. There was a couple who sat next to me. They were waiting for their meal. And I got my meal, and I looked at her and she's like, oh, that looks yummy. And I go, you want a piece of steak? And she just looked at me, I go, take a piece of steak. And her husband was old school. He's like, no, take a piece of steak. Fuck your husband. I gave her a piece of that bacon, and she fucking loved it. And after that, we were just talking table to table. It was byob. Okay, so you Gotta drink water like a motherfucker. It's like being a fucking. It's like being on that island in Florida with the alligators around that shit. They don't even get water twice a day. That's a cold fucking place to be, bro. They're sending those motherfuckers. But yeah, that was a fucking tremendous meal. If you get a chance to go to Jasper Stone, please stop in there, make reservations. Cause they're busy as hell.

[Lee Syatt]

So that's cool. It looked great.

[Joey Diaz]

It did look good. It was. Listen, to go to a new restaurant from time to time. It's like when I went to my nephews over in Smith and Wollensky. I was happy for a week. You guys knew that I was happy and it was simple. It's like I came back the filet of many lobster, 10. Just a fucking steak done.

[Lee Syatt]

I am surprised you got the one that they lit on fire.

[Joey Diaz]

Well, I didn't know they were gonna light it on fire, but, you know.

[Lee Syatt]

It didn't say that on the fire.

[Joey Diaz]

But just the thought of. They light a meat piece on fire and shit. Like I've been to restaurants where they use the. You cook the meat on yourself. It's Korean.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Or the blowtorch or whatever the fuck they do.

[Lee Syatt]

I never got a blowtorch.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, the Korean one has this. The rock.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

With the fucking holes underneath or something. With the pole underneath.

[Lee Syatt]

No. Or just a grill.

[Joey Diaz]

Right. And then listen, I don't know. I'm not it with the menus, you know.

[Lee Syatt]

What is this one?

[Joey Diaz]

What was that?

[Lee Syatt]

Didn't. Weren't you talking about a different one?

[Joey Diaz]

No, I didn't say that.

[Lee Syatt]

About cooking in front of you.

[Joey Diaz]

Korean barbecue. There was Korean barbecue then there was a place 20 years ago. Me, Felipe, Gabriel. It was in Dallas, by the Dallas Improv in Addison, Texas. They opened it towards the end and you went in there and you picked out vegetables. And then there was like a circle. Like that thing in Midnight Express when the fucking. When the Turkish people with the hats walked around the circle and you threw food and the guy cooked it and then gave it back to you with like a poker.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, yeah, those are fun.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, that fun. You like all that, huh?

[Lee Syatt]

You're just talking about doing.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, I want to sit and get cooked. That's it. Yeah, I don't want no. No remote control sushi. What is it that comes on a conveyor belt? I don't want none of that. Okay. You like white people love all that convey about you don't save no Money? No, nothing. There's no love.

[Lee Syatt]

Well, you could.

[Joey Diaz]

There's no love. There's no love between the chef and the fucking server. That's true, dog. I've been trying to tell you motherfuckers.

[Lee Syatt]

You mean the Chevron?

[Joey Diaz]

Everybody thinks I'm such a gorilla and a felon. I'm not. But I am because I understand. I love to eat. And if you have a great waiter, that's a great. If the waiter is just funny and cool and talks to your girlfriend or your wife, makes her feel at home, or your mom. I'll give that motherfucker whatever he wants. Not about me. I'm gonna drink water. I'm a stiff. You got not a dime out of me beside the meat. You know what I'm saying? Not a dime. Maybe a flan or something like that. But I'm not gonna. You know, I'm not gonna get an $18 cocktail. So when you. I go to a bar, I'm worthless to you. That's why I hate sitting at the bar. But I do, right? Because I know from my mother having a bar, that fucking seat needs to generate a certain amount of money per hour. That's how I was raised. So when I sit at a bar, I'm like, oh, this seat should be making $32 an hour. Here I am drinking water with ice cubes. Ain't no. That's why I always get a soup or something to compensate. You see, guys, the small details. If you're gonna be. If you're gonna rock, we're gonna rock. If we're gonna roll, we're gonna fucking roll. Lee. I get that back to that dumb motherfucker that cheated on his wife, that fucking moron. 1.2 billion. That's how you do it. I might not sleep at night. I'm so fucking angry about that.

[Lee Syatt]

Why are you so mad?

[Joey Diaz]

Because just to stupidity again, do you refer to. Listen, you can refer to this as a thousand things. This ain't nothing about having money. At the end of the day, he's just a dumb fuck. He's just a dumb fuck. His wife don't suck his dick no more. So, you know. Look at the kid behind him with the glasses. That's the kid that came up to me. Yeah, that's the kid that came up to me at the weed store. That's a little after fact. Yeah, this. Look, he's clapping. She's turned around, and now she's telling her I'm supposed to be at my kid's bitty basketball tournament. Meanwhile, I'm up here fucking about to blow fucking Johnny Stupid, and now you ain't got a job. It was pretty funny. I don't follow her, but I saw. She's an annoying little fuck. But I saw her walking on the red carpet a couple weeks ago with a little chicken ass and I started following her.

[Lee Syatt]

I can't wait to find out who you're talking about.

[Joey Diaz]

Bethany Frankel. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. She went to some walkway. I saw it on cnn. I'm like, who's that hottie she was fucking walking down? I'm like, I told my wife, look at her with that little chicken ass, shaking it and shit. And then I read something about it. She attacks fat women. Did you know that? When Chick say to her, like, hey, you're too old for that, she's like, oh, when was the last time I got hit on you? I'm looking at your picture, you're fat as a. She goes right at him. So, yeah, Bethany Frankel was. She put a post up a couple months ago. I listened to this post and she made so much fucking sense. You know, guys, I have fears. The only reason why I didn't become a full time gangster was because there's no future to it. You're gonna die in a fucking prison. You're gonna die in a prison. Show me one guy who hasn't. Show me one guy who hasn't. Who? The fucking Jew. He died in his own prison because they were watching him constantly. He's my favorite Jew, too. Meyer Lansky. He didn't die in a prison. He died on his own terms. But he was watched. The FBI. Parked a fucking tent up his ass the rest of his life. Put me in jail. You know, my uncle in Miami, all the construction jobs and those houses and the boats when we were kids. And he fucking went to prison, got out when he was 66, did nine years, golden time of your fucking life, you know. He came out, he left five houses, came out, lived in a trailer. And then in 91, that hurricane down there fucking cleaned out his fucking trailer. That dude had millions of fucking dollars when I was a kid. So I saw that shit, and I'm like, hey, man, that's not a good way to fucking end your death. Because once you come out of prison at 71, you got nothing. Social Security, you got nothing. They took everything. You got to assume they took everything and you had nothing to start with. If you had something, you wouldn't have been in prison anyway, you dumb fuck. But the more you know. Listen, man, I love going on the road. Okay?

[Lee Syatt]

Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

And until 2007. Look at the shape of you.

[Lee Syatt]

Dude. I'm just trying to keep track of the story.

[Joey Diaz]

You ready for another little achievement?

[Lee Syatt]

I don't think we are.

[Joey Diaz]

You know it's only 50 milligrams. It's your birthday, Lee. This is what I'm talking about, guys. Top jock. Come on, Lee. 50. 50.

[Lee Syatt]

If you want.

[Joey Diaz]

You want to split what's between 25 and 50?

[Lee Syatt]

A lot.

[Joey Diaz]

That's like a chick that sits on your face. What's the difference? £25 of 30? Nothing. You're still going to smell the root of the muffler. So. We'll be right back. Got to read to you. We'll be right back. Take your time. Oh, what's going on, beautiful people? Uncle Joey here. I want to talk to you about Lucy's Breakers. Lucy's breakers change everything you think you know about nicotine pouches. You know dick nothing. Lucy breakers are nicotine pouches with a capsule inside. Break the capsule for a wave of flavor and hydration. They got flavors like berry, citrus. Tremendous. Apple cider. Tremendous. Mango. Tremendous. I love it. This is a mango one right here. Unbelievable. You pop them just like this. Right in the side of your lip, right by the stitches. Get that in there. You know what I'm saying? You can even set yourself up with a Lucy subscription to get Lucy delivered straight to your door. Let's level up your nicotine routine with Lucy. Go to Lucy Co Church again and press in code church. C h u r. C h Lucy Co Church. And press in code church to get 20% off your first order. Are you crazy or what? We're going to get numbers like that? Uncle Joey. Lucy even has a 30 day refund policy if you change your mind. And again, That's Lucy Co and use code church c h u r c h to get 20% off. And here comes the fine print. Lucy products are only for adults of legal age. Every order is age verified. Warning. The product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. All right. But don't forget, tell him Uncle Joey sent you. It's good stuff. I love you. Have a great week. We're back. Savages. Anyway, I want to talk to you. What was done to me? I am ready to fucking live again. I don't know if you guys notice, but we had a rough year this year. You know, it was a little tough at first to digest because we all walk around thinking everything's kum si kumsa. But there you are. Four in the morning and you're in the hospital and you can't even bang one out because you know the Filipino nurse is coming back in 15 minutes. But all seriousness, you know, I got out of there in March and I was, like, determined. And then I had like, what is that when you blow something up? And scrapnel. I had scrapnel from the hospital. My fucking bridge broke. And then I had this boil in my ear, which you guys would always ask, why has he got a band aid on his ear? Why has he got a band aid on his ear? Well, now he's got a beard. Why has he got a beard? What happened to the Band Aid? You guys are a bunch of fucking Nosy Rosies. So I had this Band Aid, there was a boil, they fucking took it out, but they had to cut out so much skin. They had to pull this skin back and put 60 stitches all through this and a little bit through the back. And then I waited two weeks, and then last week, they went out and pulled out this tooth, this tooth, and one more in the back to make it complete. And, bitches, I'm still standing, motherfuckers. You know what I'm saying? I've been drinking milk like a motherfucker, building new fucking bone in there. Plus, they put some bone from a cadaver in there.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, that's cool.

[Joey Diaz]

Way. So I don't know what nationality. I didn't check. I don't know. What type of fucking would you want to know, huh? It doesn't matter. Okay? It doesn't fucking matter. But. So it's been a hell of a fucking summer, guys. I turned down a play. I turned down a series in Vegas. I turned down a movie, a small role. Didn't fucking matter. And I turned down a couple things because I never told my friends and my family were in this room that I didn't feel good in fucking Austin, you know? I didn't feel good at all. I was scared I was going to drop, really, because the infection was fucking weighing me down. But I'll tell you what, man, I'm ready to go. We got. We're trying to set up some dates locally in August because it's hot. You know, who the fuck wants to travel? Who the fuck wants to go here or there? But September 6th, we're in Fort Lauderdale at the Hard Rock. We got some dates coming up. And this August, I really, really want to focus on my material. I've been home in July, but I have been putting some stuff out. And it's really weird. Last week, after the show. I was really high and we were all sitting here talking, and I said something to Lee about his material. And he looked at me weird and I looked at him weird and I felt really bad. I want to apologize, but I said it to him because from my eyes, he was talking about something that was getting laughs, but it wasn't getting him. And at the end of the day, he wasn't being true to himself. I love this guy, you know? I love this guy like a fucking son. And now he's doing standup. Something I like and something I know, you know? I don't know about anything. I don't know about the idiot with the 1.2 billion. I don't know about what his girlfriend does. She's just a stupid whore. Let him hug. Don't hug me. We're fucking married. Stand over there, finger bang me from a distance. Get a selfie stick. You know what I'm saying? Do something. Don't fucking hug me. You're both stupid. But anyway, and Lee made an interesting question because I know a lot of standups. Watch this. And this is what I'm going through right now, guys. So I don't want to hear it from none of you guys. I'm not sitting here preaching that I'm the king of this shit, because I'm not. In fact, I look for help with this type of shit, you know, Lee asked a million dollar question in comedy. The one if you could give it to people, they'd go on and make $10 million and never think back of you. Lee would never call me back from Israel. He would be by the wall putting letters, fuck Joey, Bomb Cuba. You know, shit like that. Now I'm just teasing you. The question is how to write for yourself. That's the million dollar question. If we go through my Facebook from the last 10 years, I get two of those a month. How do you write like that? How do you write like that? Okay, it took me, remember, we were talking and I said to you, I've been doing comedy for nine years. It was the winter of 98, maybe 99. And for some reason I was doing this. I was always trying to get something going in the belly room, you know, testicle testament. I mean, back in 99, 98, I was trying to put together testicle testament. When did we put it together?

[Lee Syatt]

It must have been 2000 and tens fucking 20 years.

[Joey Diaz]

It was in the cooler. Just to let you guys know how things develop. Stories from a Cuban street, which was God awful. George went to see. Put those posters away. And then I did it at the Comedy Store, but I did it in the Belly Room. And if I got to name the top 10 comedy nights of my life, it was that one. It was a very cozy show. It was a couple weeks before Christmas. Marilyn Martinez was alive, but more importantly, Doug Stanhope's mother was alive. And she had the wooden tits and the whole fucking thing.

[Lee Syatt]

Wooden what?

[Joey Diaz]

She had fake tits from like 1935 or something like that.

[Lee Syatt]

They were made of wood.

[Joey Diaz]

They were. They were like. You know the helmets Japanese people wear? They put skin on them. Anyway. Little, little helmets. Like if you were 16, you had one of those little Japanese hats. That was 16. Anyway, so it was just one of those nights where in the Belly Room, couple guys from Houston. We had no money that night. We had no money. Like, they didn't pay us. In those days, you had to sell 100 tickets to get a dime. If you sold 30, fuck it, we're keeping everything. It was wild. So I'm in the Belly Room and basically the people that came had like bottles of vodka and they were getting sodas from the waitstaff. The waitstaff knew what was going on. These people were all. But I was talking. And after like an hour and a half, Lee, I had no one else to go and I just started telling stories. And I remember at one time I go, wow, for a stand up comic, that was a long time to go without an applause or a laugh. It was like a 20 minute story I told. But they didn't get up to go to the bathroom either. You know what I'm saying? Like, they weren't getting up. They were on it and I was on it. I mean, at the end of the night, like, I got high. I ended up going to my friend's house and sleeping over there. But that next morning, I sat in that bed going, what the fuck was that last night? And it was called the freedom of not hearing laughter. Took me nine years to get that gift. It's a gift. It's not something you could buy. You have to earn it. And your body, it's a body fucking experience. Or at least that's what it was for me. When you force yourself on stage not to get a laugh, you don't give a fuck what they're thinking. You're gonna tell them what's on your fucking point of mind and you're gonna roll with it. And you're not gonna. And you know what? Nobody's gonna say nothing if you go up there timid. Well, you know, I cross the street and I almost hit the cat with the car. They're gonna eat your lives. Shut the fuck up. You suck. But if you go up there, look straight ahead and you can't see nobody anyway, and you just steamroll. I just steamroll for 20 minutes. And then I would do it and then get laughter for 10 for the insecurity purpose. But then I would go again another 10, 15 minutes with another fucking story. You saw in New York, there was no laughter. A little fucking couple laughs, but there was no laughter. But all that bombing taught me that it ain't that bad down there. It ain't that bad down there. Now it's better now. I understand myself more. Now if I fall, fuck it. Oh, my God, what a fucking gift to know that they don't need to fucking laugh constantly. You could take them for a fucking world. And if you take them for like a real world, like, let me tell you something, motherfuckers. If that's how you stand up to them, they love it. Because nobody stands up to people like that no more.

[Lee Syatt]

And. And like, what do you mean stand up to the crowd? Like, that's what I don't really understand.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, man, we're as stand up comedians. We are. What's the word I'm looking for, gentlemen? I got 800 milligrams of me. You got to help me out. Today we are working on being what. What is the square root of doing stand up comedy?

[Lee Syatt]

Telling jokes to what?

[Joey Diaz]

Telling jokes to make the audience laugh. At the end of the day, my job is to make the audience laugh. What if I'm a deaf mute? You ever think of that? What if I'm a deaf mute? But I will go up there and get a hammer and hit my Fungi toenail for 10 minutes straight till it bleeds with commitment, okay? I'm not talking about, ow, that hurts. No. Bam, bam, bam, bam. Like just hit it for 10 minutes straight till you're sweating, your toes bleeding. People are going to go, ew, whatever. You're going to have some people with blood on their face, some fungi juice, but you committed to it. You took them on a ride. Yeah. Half of them got up and left. Fuck them. Who gives a fuck? And that's an attitude that we don't have. We. God forbid we offend somebody. This is what you. This is what you're instilling in the new comics. God forbid we're in. What's the word I'm looking for? God forbid we insult somebody. Listen, I'm not saying that you come to my show and I call your wife before a four eyed cunt. That's not the word. That's not making people laugh. That's a real stupid insult. I'm talking about insult your credibility, what you believe in, whatever the fuck I may say that the Jesus Jews are the Jews that killed Jesus. Jersey Jews. When I say that joke, I see a lot of people's faces tighten up from time to time. Jersey Jews are the ones that killed Jesus. Things like that will make people. And then they're like, what the fuck? He's just goofing around. Yeah. You know, many people have come up to me since Newark and sent me messages about my coke, my cat doing coke. You know, people like fucking like. It's such fucking bullshit and you know it. But you love it. You love it. Back to what we were talking about, Lee. Writing for yourself. That's where that comes from. When I want you to start writing psychologically. If I put you in that fucking corner over there with your nose in the fucking corner and made you tell me something in the dark funny until I pulled your fucking nose out of there, you know? And that's what it's like to bear to go up there and go, I don't give a fuck if they laugh. Listen, when somebody pays a lot of money to come see me, I do not want you to think that's the attitude. That is the body language I perceive to you. But that's not my attitude. I'm talking about when you're working out material. When you go to the Comedy Store. That is the improv. That is the Comedy Cellar, the Broadway Comedy Club, those places to work on your material. You're not going to know the depth of your material and who you are unless you fucking put it out there. Your guts. For 20 years, close friends of mine would go, coco, talk about that on stage. No, I'm not talking about that on stage. Meanwhile, I'm up there doing fucking stupid dick jokes like Rodney Dangerfield. People liked me, people thought I was funny, but they didn't take me home with them. Okay, you want them to take them home with you.

[Lee Syatt]

And it's crazy. And I. Dude, I've told you, I really, like. I'm really lucky to have your insights. I was not. Never question it. But.

[Joey Diaz]

Excuse me for a second. I'm sorry. I dropped that cannon there and it went bio. Find this. The Little Rascals fucking up the other one, the submarine band. Little Rascals. Oh, my God, when this guy's head blows up. That was the point of this joke. What Was it like Lee said, pow or something? I don't know. Maybe I'm hearing things. How. Yeah. Watch to see this guy's hair do. Definitely Jewishly. Definitely. He put. Not this guy that's Chubby or whatever his name is. But this is classic shit. Lee. Watch this dude right here. Boom. He drops the harmonica in the water. This is fucking. You know, these people have 10 white dudes from yellow, right? This shit. Now he blows the harmonic on the guy's pants. But I want Lee to see this guy. Lee, this guy. If we could ever recreate, it's. What's the name of it, Nick? Yeah, The Mike Fright International Silver String Submarine Band from our gang, the Little Rascals. This is one of the greatest episodes they ever made, particularly for one reason. That guy, every time his wing flies off and every time they hit that cowbell, that motherfucker's wig flies off. This is the shit I'm trying to show America. This is comedy. Not that fucking half a fag with the mustache on Apple tv. What's his name? Max Fright. Whatever his fucking name is.

[Lee Syatt]

I have no idea who you're talking about. Mag's Fright.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't know his fucking name. The guy from the old Saturday Night Live. Jason Sudoku.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, that's a good show.

[Joey Diaz]

What's his name? Yeah, you would like it. You have a fruitcake. What's his name?

[Lee Syatt]

Ted Lasso.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, Ted fucking Lasso. That fucking. Now what are we talking about? Before this guy blew his hat on? What do you mean? Who knows? You on point? Bah. Look, watch. Watch this. When they step on this bitch again, hit it. Bop, bop. And then he holds his head because he already knows the hairdo is about to come off these. This one. Who dare enter this house? And this. Look, right now, they're getting the party started. Like, you can't put the volume on. But in real life, right now, if you can listen to this, they are. His hat already flew off. They're just fucking with that dude. This is. They're getting the party started. The little kid with the harmonica, they're all little runaways like me. Look at him. A bunch of half breed, dirty white trash. Bah, bah. Now he's getting shot again, right? I don't know how he's gonna edit this in, but this is classic. He just can't play the music. Just all the pow pows. You know what I'm saying? Right here. Boom. Every time he hits up, pow. See, the guy gets scared. He stopped putting the hat on. He goes. Then this guy steps, he puts the bubblegum on the flute. Look at him. And now that. Oh, here we go, here we go, here we go. Boom. Another one. Turn that shit off. That. Now you said something that made me think about that.

[Lee Syatt]

I'm so happy.

[Joey Diaz]

So. Yeah.

[Lee Syatt]

No, and nobody said. And it was. It's a 20 minute chunk that I'm closing with that. You're like, you got to stop doing it.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, yeah. Because you don't have a kid. You've been broken up with that woman for a year now. You have a new girlfriend, and that whole part of your life is gone. So you're just trying to sell something that's not there anymore. Unless you want. And then you're like, well, I was doing it where Josh Wolf does his material. Well, then that means you're stepping on his fucking daddy material. Do you follow me? So either way, get rid of it. Okay, You've done it for a while now. Time to get rid of that. Shoot that poison arrow. Don't hold on to that shit. I'd rather you go up there out. Frame a story, Lee. Like put a story. Something that happened. I don't give a fuck. At your birth, you caught your daddy jerking off. There's gotta be something in your past that rubbed you the wrong way. Write it out and put. Put that as fluff. When we're trying to search for material, we get the good stuff in the middle. We get the good stuff in the beginning and the good stuff at the end. But the middle, we're just taking a chance. And that's what's growing. You grow in the middle to get. Catch up with the ending or mix into the ending and to mix in with the beginning. Why are you looking at me like that for?

[Lee Syatt]

I wish I knew what you were saying. They're all the beginning and endings.

[Joey Diaz]

You haven't. You have a. You have a set. It's 30 minutes, right? You wrote, you put together some very funny topical, not topical. Like it's going to be gone next week. You put some very nice material together and it goes around 12 minutes that you got them going strong. At the 12 minute mark, something happens for about four minutes. They adjust, you know, because you just been beating the fuck out of them for 12 good minutes. I want you to know what 12 minutes of constant laughter is. Their hands are up like they're like, fucking stop. Then you take like a four fucking minute, two minute, whatever, readjusting for material, and you might pick up another three or four in there. That's good. Then you might Frail again for four dog. The best people in the world do this. This is not just me telling you from this. This is what I observed at the store all those years. And then I carry it on to myself, right? You open with your second best joke and you close with your best joke. So when you start, you're set. That's the fucking plan right there. So good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for being here at the fucking garage. Bam. Right, okay, now you're hitting them. Now you got a 30 minute spot. So let's go nine minutes of fucking constant. So now you're at the 10 minute mark. So from 10 to 14 you just frickle frackle with them a little bit. Where you from? Where'd you get that shirt from? Whatever, you're just buying time. But I'd rather you buy time and tap into something that's you. Because that's what happens when you buy time. Sometimes you can't keep buying time. And one day it just goes, I got it. Now that's why it's very important to go to. I don't want you to pay and go there. I want you to be friends with them if they let you in. And one night a week, if you're not doing anything, I want you to go into a comedy club that does showcases. If you're a young comic that the Showcase is every 15 fucking minutes. Okay? You know those people like the comedy store. Every 15 minutes you put another comic up. Watch the 10 comics. Stay for 10 comics. I want you to tell me the two topics all 10 comics will talk about. Those are the topics you get rid of immediately. Don't go home and go, well, my joke is. That's ego. My joke is better. I could write it. Listen, it's over. What am I, a fucking punk? I need to wrestle with these fucking. That's how you put together your act. Because you want to talk about what not these stupid fucks are talking about. And when you go to a club like that, you know, I used to go to a comedy store and I used to have to follow Paul Mooney or somebody big all fucking night long. I would go there at nine, soon as I finished my spot, wherever it was. Mexicanville, Edwin, Felipe, Gabriel. I'd be right at that comedy store with a bottle of fucking, with a Coke with a cherry in it, with a coke in my pocket, waiting, waiting. It would not touch my fucking nostril. I would go in that green room and study what each comic had to say. And right before I went on stage, I would look at my note. And I'd go, I had three of the same things these motherfuckers were talking about. Well, guess what? These people have been here since 8. Okay? Half of them left at 10:30, but another brand came in at 4 at 10. And they heard 40s motherfuckers with the same jokes. So I would have to go up there after Paul Mooney at the world famous Comedy Store and go, whatever I was thinking of doing is out the window. It's the Super bowl, it's fourth down. You know what I'm saying? It's a minute left, I'm down by whatever. And now I got to go back in there. And the defense, that punt the ball fucking told me was completely different than what they did. They ran an audible, they called the timeout to show us. Then they came out with something else and they fucking slanted the back. And now I'm fucked. No, I'm not. No, I'm not. I gotta figure something out myself on the dilly dab. And what happens when you have to think about something like that? You start talking about yourself and what you feel, and it's not. Listen when I sit here and go, okay, like tonight, we talked about that fucking idiot. $1.2 billion cheats on his wife. What made it interesting that I would tell you how I do it? And then at the same tip, what's wrong with it or what's right with it? You compare shit in life to what's going on with your life. And people be sitting there going, that motherfucker got a point. That's just not a pussy joke. He's not licking some guy's asshole. He's not talking about a fag again. Thank God. He's not talking about anything. And that's how you learn. And sometimes you got to put yourself in those holes, but once a week, you got to go to a club and watch and go to yourself. Let's see what these motherfuckers are talking about. George. It's like, you'll sit there and go, how the fuck does Joey do? Because I sat in those rooms for 30 fucking years. And I would sit there and then go, fuck it. Nick's got a great joke about that. So does George. They're fucking brilliant. And so does Lee. You know what? I'm gonna go home and write a joke about that. And by the time I wrote my joke, guess what you guys did. You wrote another joke. Here I am telling their joke, and they're on. Because I mind for. Fuck it, Let me write Something else. So now they wrote their joke and whatever I wrote from my heart is 20 times fucking better. I'm not going to compete with these two fucking knuckleheads. All those things matter in comedy. It's not what they're talking about. And that's what happens. Like some people go to a show and somebody opens their eyes to something, okay, I'm going to go home and write something similar. But nobody will know. Yes, they are gonna know, because I'm the same dude. I've gone home and gone. That's a good joke, that. How many times you sit there watching a common go. I go this way with that joke, right? And that's a great exercise. Well then, very good exercise.

[Lee Syatt]

But then, aren't you like close to ceiling?

[Joey Diaz]

No, but I don't want you to. That's why I say if you go home, if you're going to fight everybody who's going to steal your joke or your supposed joke, it's going to be a hard battle for you, okay? At the end of the day, some people. Do you remember when you used to drive me to the Broadway comedy club and then you'd leave me there? Nah, you never took me to Broadway. Well, I swear to my mother's grave, this is when all that thievery shit left my fucking life. I still remember the fucking jokes, okay? I was living here. I was doing comedy at that club and the owner's name was Al Martin or something like that. I think it was Al Martin. This is 1993, and I went to Colorado. And one day some fucking guy knocks on my door or some shit. And the guy came in and this guy wasn't a Jehovah Witness or an Amish. He was something completely different, George, Like a, like a seven day advantageous, whatever the fuck those people are, right? Like one of those. I'm not even. Listen, I'm not even saying it was them, but it was some religion that was off the chart. And I remember going, guy, I'm going through a divorce. You know what I'm saying? I shouldn't even be opening up the door. There's a fucking car. There's a tow. There's a tow truck looking for my car. I had an Acura. I had it hidden in Manny's garage. I couldn't even drive it anywhere. I had to fucking put like a tent on at night. Like the Batmobile and shit. They knew every comedy club I was at. You guys want to talk about pain? I got pain, motherfuckers. So what was we talking about? Here. What are we talking about, George? Something good. Come on, Lee, you're like Johnny Zombo there. God damn it.

[Lee Syatt]

I wonder why.

[Joey Diaz]

And what happened? So I went up on stage that night, and I was living in Denver. I moved from New Jersey. It was December of 93. And I go up on one of Jimmy Abeda's shows. And I was thinking about that dude that knocked on my door and said to me that he was seven day, whatever, advantageous, whatever. And I'm like, I never heard that one before. And I remember no time I used to sell neon. And I used to carry a little notebook with me, a little yellow pad, like, to put where I delivered neon. And if I had a joke, I'd write it on the pad in the car. And I wrote, what if a guy came to your door? That was nothing. Like, what if a guy came to your door one day and said, hi, my name is Nick, I ain't nothing. I want to sell you a piece of paper for a dollar. But I ain't nothing. You read it if you want, or something like that. It was some joke. And I think I had atheists in the word one night later. Every night I used to watch a Tonight show. Then watching the Tonight show tonight, Al Martin, and it's the guy, and I'm like, oh, shit, Al. Two jokes in, he goes, you ever have an atheist knock on your door, dog? I almost fell off my fucking chair. And that's when I go, I get it. It's gonna happen, people. Oh, two brilliant minds. No, no, two fucking stone minds, okay? If the guy would. You know what I'm saying, guys? So things are going to happen. So if you're already in that range, why go there? Look at the shape of you. You look like the guy that shot John Lennon. You like. You look like fucking. Look, put a picture up of Black Ozzy's drummer from the fucking ceremony. He looks like Lee. No, the drummer. You see, he looks like he took his shirt off at the show. Poor whatever his name is. That's who you look like right now. Lee, you're up. You got to stop eating those edibles.

[Lee Syatt]

I agree.

[Joey Diaz]

That's not him. Ozzy in London, whatever. The England, whatever. Ozzy in England, drummer, whatever. Yeah, that's Tommy Aldridge.

[Lee Syatt]

I wish I had that hair.

[Joey Diaz]

No, that's not you at all, Lee. Keep going. Just put up there, Ozzy Osbourne, final show. That's him. But take a look at him at the final show. He took his shirt off. Just. Poor Basili right there. That's how you're looking right now. Throw some water in your face. Have some dignity, please. Throw some water in your face, God damn it.

[Lee Syatt]

He has good skin.

[Joey Diaz]

Anyway, I know you're too high and you're not gonna remember what I'm telling you, but I appreciate this because I get to remember this shit. This has been helping me out since you brought that up. A week.

[Lee Syatt]

Love writing for yourself.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. Because, Lee, it's the toughest thing in the world. You gotta go through so much. It's like an Italian artichoke, right? You have to keep the. You have to peel that fucking skin. It's like when you smell a woman's vagina. It smells good on the top. But then you put two Finger Louie in there, you start working that onion, and all of a sudden it smells a lot different because you wake that motherfucker up. You're getting into the liver and the kidneys and all that shit. Now look at the liver and the kidneys. Oh, that's when you got everything involved. A little bit of the fucking. You pop the connecting wire to the asshole and at least you, like, got a car. And it pops. The steam comes out. You gotta ask your father for black tape. Dad, get the black tape.

[Lee Syatt]

I was gonna say, can you fix it? Can you reconnect it or.

[Joey Diaz]

No, no, no. So, yeah, I'm happy that you bring these up. Cause then I go home and that's what I do. This is the stupid shit that I do at night. And in the morning, I get up early, Lee, and I try to. I pee, I wash my hands, I brush my teeth, I drink my coffee. And then when everything's settled, I try to get as high as I can in the morning because that's the highest I'm gonna be. I don't answer the phone. I don't do nothing. I sit in front of that computer, I put on fucking music. And I sit downstairs with earphones on that aren't even fucking charged. There are those beats that are not even charged. I don't even want music in there. I want silence. I want to hear the music through the fucking eye beats. But I put on airplane mode and you don't hear nothing.

[Lee Syatt]

You hear what's even double headset.

[Joey Diaz]

What's that?

[Lee Syatt]

You put, like AirPods in and then you put like a big one over just to sound.

[Joey Diaz]

No, no, no. AirPods. I couldn't put AirPods in because of the fucking boil in my ear. I got beautiful AirPods. I want them from DraftKings. I got beautiful fucking hair like Fucking my wife and Mercy were like, where'd you fucking get those at? I don't know. DraftKings. DraftKings hooked the motherfucker up. Lee, look at this shape. You're gonna need two of those $10 chocolate shakes with whipped cream and a brownie. And if not? Oh yeah, and if not, George has a little. George, got a nice couch for you. You can feed the pigeons in the morning.

[Lee Syatt]

I don't wanna feed pigeons.

[Joey Diaz]

Yes, you do. George will teach you how to feed the pigeons. You'll invite. I'll give you some edibles. You invite Polly over, let feed. You could feed him. You could feed him one of the edibles and George will take a picture. And tomorrow let's call Polly, tell him Leah is going to feed him the edible of life.

[Lee Syatt]

I don't want to feed anybody anything.

[Joey Diaz]

He's like a decorated fucking Marine veteran. Polly's killed more Asian people than Covid and fucking everything. Polly's gonna walk around Cliffside, big dick in it, you know what I'm saying? With his. Polly, I want you walking around Cliffside with a garbage bag, a sweeper and a big dick and like an army medal. Two marine metal stapled on your chest like an animal. Siempre fui. You know what I'm saying? What's. What is this? Semper 5 we. Whatever the fuck. I don't know. I didn't take French class that year. What do we got next week, Lee, beside the hospital tonight? Look at the shape of you.

[Lee Syatt]

Well, if I. If I survive, okay? I'll be at St. Mark's Comedy Club Sunday at 7:30 for the competition, okay?

[Joey Diaz]

Tell them about this competition so people show up. If you're going to support this, if you're going to support Lee, say at. This is the night, he needs it Sunday. What time?

[Lee Syatt]

The 27th at 7:30.

[Joey Diaz]

27Th at 7:30. I will be in Bulgaria with my assistant. I'm going to take her down there, give her a little stabbing and you know what I'm saying? And that's how. No, I will be. I don't know where I'll be. Maybe I'll go up there and cheer you on. But if you're in Manhattan, please stop in and cheer Leon at the. What is it?

[Lee Syatt]

The Manhattan Marks. The St. Mark's Comedy.

[Joey Diaz]

St. Mark. Where's the address?

[Lee Syatt]

It's on St. Mark's Place.

[Joey Diaz]

St. Mark's what's her name?

[Lee Syatt]

It's on St. Mark'S Comedy Club. It's on St. Mark's St. Mark's Comedy.

[Joey Diaz]

Club on St. Mark's Place. 7:30 show. Go out there, make Lee win this thing. Go up there and jump up and down. Lee's gonna have some new material. No baby material. We're getting rid of that. No kids. He's coming out with some new. He's coming out with some new fire this week. Fucking Jew. The everything fucking cause. Netanyahu's mistress. You don't give a fuck, Jack. Anyway, I love you cocksuckers. Have a great week. I got no dates. I got nothing. I'm still recovering. I got no teeth. I don't even know why I'm ordering steak. Look at this. I love you guys. Happy birthday, Lee. Look at. All right, Lee. Cocksucker. Look at the shape of you.

[Lee Syatt]

Mommy. Still. I have so much cotton mouth.

[Joey Diaz]

You're getting chocolate on the microphone. Jesus Christ almighty. Happy birthday. Happy birthday, my brother. We love here. All right, stay black. Have a good night. What up, Uncle Joey? Here, let me talk to you about something. If your gut gets thrown off, everything gets thrown off. Your mood, your digestion, your energy, basically your whole life. Bioma is here to fix all that with. It's a blend of pre pro postbiotics that get you back in the zone, taking those smooth, tremendous shits again. There's nothing like taking antibiotics, pain pills, and all of a sudden you're backed up like a fucking piece of cheese is back there. And you're pushing and putting. Listen, Myoma's there to take care of you and bring your gut back little by little. Whether you're looking to drop some weight or take care of that hair, skin and nails or get your feminine health on track, Bioma has what you need. Listen, I've just gone through hell with antibiotics and bioma has been tremendous. So your gut is the foundation of overall health and vitality. If you want to be a motherfucking savage and sling dick with three hands, you better keep it in check with Bioma. Listen, what I'm going to do for you right now on a Beautiful Tuesday, take 15% off your Bioma order when you press in. Code [e-mail] Church again. You're just sitting at home listening to this and I'm talking about probiotics. And you're like, joey, I've been looking for a probiotic to balance me out. My hair looks terrible, my ass smells like billy goats. I don't need this shit in my life no more. Get some Bioma. That's 15% off with code [e-mail]. oh, gobioma.com church again, that's gobioma.com church or click in the link in the show notes and get yourself biomatics. The goods.