None of that billy goat stuff

Summary

Podcast Summary: "The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament" Episode: None of that Billy Goat Stuff
Release Date: October 8, 2024
Host: Joey "Coco" Diaz
Guest: Lee Syatt

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Introduction

In this lively episode of "The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament," hosts Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt delve into a myriad of personal anecdotes, comedic insights, and candid discussions about life, comedy, and personal growth. Recorded live from New York City, the conversation traverses Joey's experiences with sobriety, his journey in stand-up comedy, reflections on aging, and encounters with everyday life challenges.

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Joey Diaz’s Sobriety and Spiritual Reflections

Joey Diaz opens the episode by sharing his recent two-week sobriety journey, particularly abstaining from shrooms. He humorously contemplates the idea of attending church under the influence, leading to a broader discussion about his unique experiences attending church while stoned.

• Joey Diaz (00:24): "For like, two weeks now off the shrooms."

Joey reminisces about how being high affects his perception during church services, allowing him to connect deeply with the 12 Stations of the Cross but also making it challenging to focus entirely on the sermon.

• Joey Diaz (01:09): "I get caught up and feel sentimental."

He expresses a desire for more authentic and diverse church experiences, lamenting the lack of cultural diversity and genuine connection in his current religious community.

• Joey Diaz (03:23): "The church today has changed. ... they speak, you know, English or whatever, but you got these guys from like, they get them right off the boat."

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Comedic Journey: From Bombing to Headlining

A significant portion of the conversation centers around Joey's evolution in the comedy scene. He reflects on his earlier struggles with bombing on stage and how those experiences ultimately shaped his comedic prowess.

• Joey Diaz (40:22): "Bombing is so much better than doing fantastic all the time. I took an immeasurable amount of bombs."

Joey emphasizes the importance of perseverance in comedy, likening the resilience built through bombing to building strength by repeatedly challenging oneself.

• Joey Diaz (43:20): "Sometimes bombing is... better than doing fantastic all the time."

Lee Syatt shares his own comedic milestones, celebrating seven years in the industry and planning to expand his performances. Joey encourages Lee by highlighting the continuous improvement that comes with consistent effort.

• Joey Diaz (38:05): "You're gonna have good nights and bad nights. ... every 60 to 90 days, you're gonna notice such an improvement of yourself on stage."

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Personal Challenges: Health Scares and Coping Mechanisms

Joey candidly discusses a recent health scare involving an ear infection that led to a painful medical procedure. He shares his reluctance to publicly disclose such personal issues, preferring to handle them privately.

• Joey Diaz (51:35): "I thought you were continuing. ... I'm sorry about that."

He describes the experience of having something lodged in his ear, the subsequent medical treatments, and the physical pain endured.

• Joey Diaz (49:14): "I saw him this morning. That's why I was a little discombobulated this morning."

Joey also touches on his method of handling stress and pain through humor and routine activities like going to the boxing gym.

• Joey Diaz (56:00): "I went out there, I get sexual... I can horned up like everybody else."

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Reflections on Aging and Sexuality

The hosts engage in a humorous yet honest conversation about the changes that come with aging, particularly concerning sexual desires and performance. Joey shares his embarrassment about maintaining sexual confidence without the aid of substances he once relied upon.

• Joey Diaz (17:22): "I'm embarrassed now."

They discuss the societal pressures and personal adjustments required as one grows older, with Joey humorously contemplating extreme measures to maintain his sexual prowess.

• Joey Diaz (17:21): "Unless I shoot a bunch of Viagra..."

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Anecdotes from Day-to-Day Life

Joey and Lee exchange numerous anecdotes from their daily lives, ranging from interactions at local establishments to family moments. Joey recounts his attempts to buy gum at Wawa without being recognized, highlighting the humorous side of celebrity in everyday settings.

• Joey Diaz (61:19): "I had to start going to different Wawas to get my little."

Lee shares his experience of being mistakenly identified in a fast-food restaurant, adding to the lighthearted nature of their conversation.

• Lee Syatt (61:48): "That's the worst."

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The Comedy Community and Industry Insights

Joey provides an insider's perspective on the comedy industry, discussing the challenges of transitioning from small clubs to larger venues. He offers advice to aspiring comedians about the importance of embracing both successes and failures as stepping stones.

• Joey Diaz (37:50): "The Ice House. I never went up there with material."

He emphasizes the value of genuine interaction with the audience and the lessons learned from varied comedic experiences.

• Joey Diaz (43:20): "Bombing is so much better than doing fantastic all the time."

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Upcoming Shows and Future Plans

Towards the end of the episode, Joey and Lee discuss their upcoming performances and plans. Joey expresses excitement about upcoming shows at Casino and his participation in a performance with Paul Rizzi, while Lee talks about his shows in Salt Lake City and Boston.

• Joey Diaz (76:06): "If you really want to get good, you do 20 weeks. If you really, really, really want to get good, you do 35."

They conclude by encouraging listeners to attend their performances and stay tuned for future episodes filled with more humor and heartfelt conversations.

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Conclusion

This episode of "The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament" showcases the dynamic chemistry between Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt. Through a blend of humor, personal stories, and industry insights, they offer listeners an engaging and relatable exploration of life’s ups and downs. Whether discussing sobriety, the challenges of stand-up comedy, or everyday mishaps, Joey and Lee's candidness and wit provide both laughter and thoughtful reflections.

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Notable Quotes:

• Joey Diaz (17:22): "I'm embarrassed now."

• Lee Syatt (07:34): "Is that something like you. Did he, like, ask for forgiveness for it?"

• Joey Diaz (40:22): "Bombing is so much better than doing fantastic all the time. I took an immeasurable amount of bombs."

• Joey Diaz (43:20): "Sometimes bombing is... better than doing fantastic all the time."

• Joey Diaz (76:06): "If you really want to get good, you do 20 weeks. If you really, really, really want to get good, you do 35."

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This episode provides a comprehensive look into Joey Diaz's personal and professional life, offering valuable lessons on resilience, authenticity, and the ever-evolving journey of a comedian. Whether you're a long-time listener or new to the podcast, "None of that Billy Goat Stuff" promises a blend of humor, introspection, and engaging conversation.

Transcript

[Joey Diaz]

Jesus Christ Almighty. What the is that?

[Lee Syatt]

What's what?

[Joey Diaz]

Nothing. Yeah, I'm back. Jack. For a minute, I wanted to like a. You know.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, did you?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, it was good.

[Lee Syatt]

How many. How many handfuls did he eat tonight?

[Joey Diaz]

No handfuls, no nothing.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

For like, two weeks now of off the shrooms.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, okay. I didn't know that.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm waiting for you to get back, baby boy.

[Lee Syatt]

I'm here right now.

[Joey Diaz]

All right, well, you don't want me to show up tonight to the fourth floor. What I got you won't make it out till the end of Russia. Shaniski.

[Lee Syatt]

Can you imagine going, like. I know you've probably never been to temple, but going to temple on mushrooms seems like a night.

[Joey Diaz]

What can you imagine? Just go down there. Go down there. What do you say? Whatever the you say. Happy New Year. Yeah, you sit there, you dog. One of the best times I have is when I go to church stoned. I've never taken edibles because I never had the time, you know, to warm up. Church is something that pops into my mind. I got a church.

[Lee Syatt]

What do you mean, warm up? Edibles are like three bites. What do you mean? Not even. You usually eat it just like a pill.

[Joey Diaz]

You need like an hour warm up.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

I usually. Sundays at 7am who's gonna get up at 6 and pop an edible? You've done it. Great. On a Sunday, that ruins your whole day. I got to do people to respond to. I gotta answer the people, so. But I do like, four, five bong hits, and by the time I get to church, you walk in there, you're nice and settled, you don't even focus on what he's saying. It would be sad because I'd focus on the 12 stations of the cross, and I get caught up and feel sentimental.

[Lee Syatt]

But, like. Because even a Catholic, like, the biggest problem I would have at temple is, like, they make you stand up, but like a Catholic mass, they make you kneel. Like, I can't imagine kneeling on.

[Joey Diaz]

Take a walk, go in your pocket, give the guy $5. It's a little workout. I'm gonna invent that. The Chech workout. Up, down, five, shake this guy's hand. Up, down. You know, does it piss you off?

[Lee Syatt]

Because it pisses me off at temple.

[Joey Diaz]

Nah, you know, listen, I'm used to it. I've been doing it since I was, you know, up, down, up, down. You know, It's a nightmare. But you know what, man? It was. I still enjoy it. I don't want to do it every week. I don't want to volunteer. I don't want to pass the basket around. I just want to go down there, sit in church, think about my life, look around the 12 stations of the cross and get the out of there. Like I'm not big, I'm not hanging. And the church today has changed. Like, especially in my area here. It's Gentile Catholic church. There's really no feeling, God forbid there's not a priest from another country, a third world nation that you can't understand that way I'm sitting there. What's he saying.

[Lee Syatt]

Anyways?

[Joey Diaz]

No, they speak, you know, English or whatever, but you got these guys from like, they get them right off the boat. And now I gotta, you know, I gotta be that guinea pig to how to learn English. And I'm sitting there in the back like, you know, and then it's just not, I don't know. God forbid you don't have a gay singer in the church. Yeah, you know, God forbid you don't have. It's like diversely hit the church, you know.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, it bums me out about temple. Yeah, I just like guitar. I don't like it.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, the guitar, that, that's too early for me. I want to hear Led Zeppelin. All right, Tico, here, take $10 and go to get a bagel. I don't want to hear the guitar at 8 in the morning. I don't really want to hear no singing. I don't mind the little hymns they sing, you know, in between. You're not going to come at me with a full force band at nine in the morning and make me get up. Because the first time I hear the tambourine, I'm done. There's two things I've always done. If I see a tambourine or if I see a flute, like I'm done. Like when I went to see Jekyll tull in like 1980, once the fluke came out, me and my friends are like this, don't need to sit here no more. You know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syatt]

You just left.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, I always used to leave.

[Unknown]

I still leave.

[Joey Diaz]

You know me.

[Lee Syatt]

Have you ever left church? Like, have you, have you ever like walked out of service? A service?

[Joey Diaz]

No. But I'll tell you the worst thing I ever did because I don't. I never mentioned this in church. I never mentioned this on the church. When my daughter, not mercy, when my oldest got baptized, you know, we knew that my, my in laws knew the church well and they knew the priest well and the priest was a Cool motherfucker. Like, he. He just knew that I was out of my mind. And he worked, you know, he was very nice. He'd work with it and see this. So this had to be 1990, okay? So this is 34 years now, you know, I'm fucking crazy now. Could you imagine 1990, fresh out of jail. People think a kid's gonna change me in a marriage. And I'm still fucking rough around the edges. And I'll never forget the woman I married. Her brother was just as out there as I was. He wasn't a criminal. He was a smart guy. But he went to work, and that's the only thing he did right, you know? And we got along. We hit it off. This is a guy who had a bong in his car and always bought weed by quarter pound. So I was a fan of that right off the bat. And we went to church. We're getting ready to baptize my daughter. Everybody's there. And he goes, hey, man, I gotta join us some heavy duty weed. And I'm like, are you serious? And he goes, yeah. He goes, come on, follow me. I know this church because I knew it, but not as well as he did. And we went downstairs in like a lobby and just sparked up a joint, me and him, right downstairs. No ventilation, no nothing. We walked back upstairs. I was happy for like two minutes. Then I felt like a fucking idiot. First of all, I got really fucking high. And then after we were hanging out, everybody was saying, it smells like weed. And the steam that was coming out of my wife's ears, you couldn't even fucking. It was just too much. It was just too fucking much. That's the worst thing I've ever done. Like, as far as I'm concerned, kidnapping, mugging somebody, that's nothing in my world compared to smoking in the church. And I still think about it, and I'm still like, what the fuck was I thinking?

[Lee Syatt]

Is that something like you. Did he, like, ask for forgiveness for it?

[Joey Diaz]

I asked forgiveness for everything, you know, that was one of the many things I asked for.

[Lee Syatt]

That's a cool part about kids like that. You can just ask for forgiveness. Even if you like, you know, work on it, you're forgiven. That's pretty cool.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, but it just don't work like that. It just don't work like, you know what? I'm gonna forgive myself. I'm gonna. God's gonna forgive me. I'm gonna go out and hit somebody else in the head. Honest to God, what is that? You have to forgive Yourself. If you look into those words, you have to forgive yourself first. And once you forgive yourself, then it's kind of easy for anybody else to forgive you. But I held myself, you know, I always punish myself.

[Lee Syatt]

Really?

[Joey Diaz]

Like, yeah, you have to have personal punishments. Like, you're not gonna have that anymore, you know, you like my, my bold effect. Like, I'm really ashamed of acting in Colorado and I go to Denver and I do the shows and shit, but I won't trickle to Boulder or any of those places just because I'm kind of ashamed, you know, I get that.

[Lee Syatt]

But it was so long ago. You don't feel like you've made amends for it.

[Joey Diaz]

Yes and no. I could have done that any place in the world except in God's country. I did it right there in God's country. And it was God's country. It was like putting a professional in a high school basketball game. Right? You know, like. But you know what? I've learned to live with it. I've forgiven myself to the extreme, to the extent that I could. Now I hope that someday Boulder forgives me. You know what I'm saying? I know you did. Connecticut.

[Lee Syatt]

Connecticut was great. I had a fun. Like I've never had like a. It wasn't even a heckle. It was just like this older lady was just drunk and was like talking to me. But I, like. And I told you on the phone, like, I. I was just like. I don't know if proud of myself is the right word or just like, I was happy with like how I handled it because in the past I would have like either crumbled or like just tried to power through it and still do the jokes. And that wouldn't have worked. And she had. She got so drunk, dude. And I was asking about this. She fell out of her chair. Like I've never had. She crashed out of her chair and was still talking shit from the floor. It was one of the funniest things that I've ever experienced because I've never, like, she was talking. I'm okay. And she was like, dude, that show was wild. That show. While she was talking shit, there was like a 65, 70 year old couple in the back. And I want to ask you about this. Just like basically having sex. They were like making out and he was sitting behind her. If they weren't making out, he was giving her a massage. Like, I've never seen that in a comedy show before. And it was like a 70 year old couple.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, man, it's funny you say that because this morning I went on Facebook, I posted like some in a video. And I know, like, you know, you don't look at stuff that has nothing to do with you really. But for weeks, like for two weeks, I haven't seen these old women with bikinis on. I'm like, what the fuck is this shit? They're not old women. They're like 50, but they look good, you know, they look, you know, 55, maybe six. And today for the first time, I go, what the fuck is this? And it was like, why is a girl in a bikini telling me I gotta read books? That's what she was like. That whole Facebook posted about reading fucking.

[Unknown]

Books that you should read two books.

[Joey Diaz]

A week, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm like, are you fucking crazy, lady? You're 60 years old. Why are you in a bikini? That's. I don't know. That had nothing to do with your story. Number two. The oddest thing I heard the last couple of years or during the pandemic was that venereal diseases were up in old folks homes.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, dude, have you heard about the Villages, I think it's called?

[Joey Diaz]

No. I gotta be honest. No.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, dude, there's. And Joe, if you can find in something quickly to pull it up. There's a place called the Villages in Florida. It's a. It's a retirement community and it has like. I don't know if it's like the most, but they, they're well known for having like a huge amount of STDs. And they have something because they drive around in golf carts is that they have different color loofahs for what kind of like sex stuff they want to do. It's like the STD capital of America. And this is an old folks home. They like. It's well known that that's all there. They go there to fuck. Like, they go there and. Joe, I don't know if you can scroll down if they have anything about the, about the loofahs, but the loofahs is one of the funniest things I've ever. It's like it just. They break it down by color. Like you're single, you want people to watch. You want people to. It's. I don't know, they might not have it on this one, but it's just, it's. I've heard that for a while, that old folks homers are crazy.

[Joey Diaz]

I'll tell you, you know, I'm one of those guys since I'm a kid, like I have a Brother and him and I have been saying the same thing. I'm saying we've been saying the same thing since we were 10 years old. Look at this.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah. Loofah code at Florida. Can you scroll and see what it is? Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Guarantee those people doing drugs.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, yeah. Oh, there we go, people. Can you zoom in further, Joe? Because it just has all the colors right there if you.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, I couldn't. Give me one, so I'll find it.

[Lee Syatt]

But yeah. So what was. What have you and your brother been saying?

[Joey Diaz]

When we were kids, every time like a lady walked by, like a weird looking ass, we'd always go, can you imagine what her ass smells like? I mean, we've been saying this to each other. I just saw him in Delaware, 60 years old, we still saw some lady with sandals on, weird looking ass. And he looked at me out of corners and I was like, can you imagine what her ass smells like? You know, and then you see like. You ever go to a. I don't want to talk about this negatively, but if you look at your parents, you look at your parents, say your dad's mild mannered, your mom's got the house dress on with her hair up in curlers. She ain't looking for no dick, and he ain't looking for no ass. You know, Say he's home at 501, he's on the chair. He don't really listen to your mom. He passes out at 7 after dinner. But you look at them from time to time and you're like, do you think mom and dad are still.

[Lee Syatt]

You're like, nah, thankfully my parents aren't together. But I thought. I had thought about that. But it's creepy to think about. It's the worst.

[Joey Diaz]

But when I was a kid, I go to people's houses to eat dinner and I look at the parents and I always play a game, my head. Do you think he's still. And I'm like, I don't know. I just don't know.

[Lee Syatt]

But did you ever tell your friends you were thinking about that? They must have hated that game.

[Joey Diaz]

No, no, I never told anybody about that game. Do you think he's fucking. It's like when you see, you know, listen, love is weird. But number one, you told me about it on the phone and you didn't say that they were basically having like light sex. You were saying they were making out.

[Lee Syatt]

Right.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm 61 years old, I got a chip tooth, I got, you know, I don't want to make out with nobody at this age. No, Like I'll make out with my time to time. I don't even want to do that no more like I'm past that stage now. We're just getting the. You want to make out? I don't know, like, you know, it's just so.

[Unknown]

It's so weird, you know.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm making out with some 70 year old lady and she loses a tooth. I'm done, I spit it out, I'm going home. I'm not even dropping her off. I don't know. I dropped her off from Florida at that Wonderland condom factory down there where they get crabs and you know. But now I'm 61 and I can be honest out of here I get sexual, you know, I can horned up like everybody else. You know what I'm saying? Do I warmed up for outside monkey? No, because I know I can't do nothing with it. There's nothing I'm going to do. It's just going to be an embarrassment situation for me and embarrassing what happened like.

[Lee Syatt]

Like he just was not gonna work the same.

[Joey Diaz]

I didn't get a heart attack, you know.

[Lee Syatt]

Is that what you're worried about?

[Joey Diaz]

I'm worried about a lot of things, you know, just 10,000 things. First of all, I'm married. But what if I'd have a heart? I wouldn't even know where to start. I wouldn't even know what to talk to them about. Listen, man, ever since I stopped doing drugs, I've lost that angle of my life. I thought angle disappeared like that, you know, Getting in the mood and fucking banging one out in the bathroom. Those days are long gone. I'm going on 17 years, I haven't been fucking, you know, the blow makes you crazy, you know, and just. But now it's like if I do it, it's okay. It ain't like, you know how it used to be when I was crazy and I had big eyes and my dick was hard and I'd be walking around with a bottle of whiskey. Y.

[Lee Syatt]

I would love to see you say that to a woman. Yeah, obviously I'm not talking about your wife, but like do. Do your fantasies change when you get older?

[Joey Diaz]

Do you think I have no fantasies?

[Lee Syatt]

Nothing?

[Joey Diaz]

Because you have a family, things that you could do. There ain't much more I could do no more. Do you know what I'm saying? Like you have a fantasy like I'm gonna score 70 points in a game. I'm gonna, you know, work 52 weeks in a year. But you know, you got it. I know I don't got it. Like, you know, you have to come to terms with yourself. Unless I shoot a bunch of Viagra, you know, unless I take some blue chew, like have it on me all day long, look at pornographic materials, put a feather in my pants or like a rock in my shoe that makes warmed up. The Chinese put a rock in their shoe or whatever they do. I don't know. I don't know. But that ship sailed of those days. Like that I don't. You know, sometimes I watch like a, a movie and they have like a sex scene and I get embarrassed now.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, I get embarrassed. I get embarrassed.

[Joey Diaz]

Embarrassed.

[Lee Syatt]

And then it's also like, it's crazy. Like I know you never really did online dating, which I think would be hysterical to see you try to online date. But it's like they're like people, like they get sexual very quickly now. Like they like, like people. Women tell me that like guys will just send them messages that are like, oh, what I would do to your tits. Like all like all the, like they just open up with craziness. And I have, I don't have any idea how they would do that.

[Joey Diaz]

When I was young, crazy and on the road. Yeah, you gotta tell somebody. You gotta sell, you know, you're trying to sell your game, Jack. You're not going to sell it by telling them I went to Harvard and I have a boat. You know, everybody went to Harvard and got a boat. You got time. Listen, I got a 10 foot digging. I could choke myself with it.

[Lee Syatt]

And then I, I guess it'll work with somebody. I don't get that many men walk away, right.

[Joey Diaz]

Like if a girl walked up to you and said I could orgasm and it comes out of my ears.

[Unknown]

You.

[Joey Diaz]

Either have another drink and go, let's get out of here, or you go, you have another drink. You pick up your drink and move 10 down. At least you know where you stand.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, and that's the hardest part is knowing where you stand in any of this shit.

[Joey Diaz]

But it's one of my dear friends growing up and I'm talking about early on, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21. Good looking dude just wouldn't say much. I mean women would crawl to him and he wouldn't, you know, his conversations would be awkward. But when he did meet some, I remember being down the shore one time like on the beach and him picking up a girl and taking onto the boardwalk and whatever the they did. And he came back and I go, what, what is he doing? How does he do this? Do, does he sing him a Love letter.

[Lee Syatt]

That's one of the scariest things. I've never hit on a woman in the wild. Like, I've never beach, look, this guy was a professional.

[Joey Diaz]

Like this. But I noticed he only hit on women when he was drinking.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Because he was loose. And when he did coke, forget it. And he mixed those two, he would be on fire. But he'd take it to the next level. He'd go up to women and go, what are you doing with this fuck guy I got. And he'd take out a Coke rock. Your coke your pussy out with a Coke rock. And at first I looked at it and I was like, that is just crazy. Then I tried it.

[Lee Syatt]

Jesus Christ. And then it worked. Like, did you. Did you get more confidence with coke and drinking?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, that's what I'm trying to say. When I was snorting coke and drinking, my sexual game was, you know, and this is. Listen, I've been with my wife for 24 years, so. Right, yeah, 15. It's our 15th wedding anniversary and we've been together 24 years and 25 years in July.

[Lee Syatt]

That's awesome. 25 years.

[Joey Diaz]

So it is what it is. But you learn about yourself as you get older and you know, it's really weird that I thought by now I'd have complete Ed and I'd have to get like an Indian guy with a flute to play and somebody to light my heels on fire to get a hard on. I have to eat like fish. No, it's amazing. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, I got a baseball bat, I'm like, Aaron Judge. I got a pee out of that motherfucker. I gotta hanging on the sink a few times, but I'm like, there ain't nobody around. What good is it? There just ain't nobody around. When you got the Aaron Judge back, let's get this party started. Doug.

[Unknown]

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[Joey Diaz]

You don't know nothing.

[Unknown]

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[Joey Diaz]

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[Unknown]

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[Joey Diaz]

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[Unknown]

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[Joey Diaz]

With ice or you could be an.

[Unknown]

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[Joey Diaz]

And right next to it is the meat locker.

[Unknown]

That's where the glycerin chamber goes. I go out there, I'm ready to launch. Whether it's 7am or 7pm the freeze pipe is always there with Uncle Joey. And guess what? I love it. You're gonna love it too. So do yourself a favor. Christmas is around the corner. The freeze pipe dot com. Never mind Christmas. Halloween's around the corner. You said get yourself a new freeze pipe by yourself. The freeze pipe dot com. Preston code Diaz. Diaz for 10% off your order. That's the freeze pipe dot com code Diaz for 10% off your order. Order today. And we're going to give you some free shipping and say Goodbye to harsh smoke forever. Now, if you don't mind, let's get this party started.

[Joey Diaz]

Turn off your TVs, run for your lives, it's over. They didn't put you on this planet just to give up. If Uncle Joey could do it, I can rule the world. That's what you got to be thinking.

[Lee Syatt]

Welcome back to church.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, 10, 8, 24. Nice combination.

[Unknown]

All twos.

[Joey Diaz]

So if you go. Yeah.

[Unknown]

Who the you think you're dealing with?

[Joey Diaz]

Joy, bananas. I live for these type of days. I'm in the jackpot today, Jake.

[Lee Syatt]

1024. What about 1010? Is that better?

[Joey Diaz]

10, 10, 24, 25, 24. Yeah. I shot one of the worst pieces of work I ever put out. There was 10, 10, 2010.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, no.

[Joey Diaz]

Do you remember that? Or you weren't around for that?

[Lee Syatt]

No, no, that was right before I met you.

[Joey Diaz]

I was pretty much out of comedy.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

I was just doing it skipping, you know, skip and jive type comedy. And I do a podcast and I talk about mugging a hooker and the next thing I know, all hell breaks loose. People coming to see me. And after about a month, he's like, listen, let's put something together. Let's do 10, 10, 10. It's a good date. So we did it at Sal's, I think. Who? Sal. When it was Brea. And I'll never forget how bad I felt after that show. Like, I was a really bad stand up at that time. Not as bad as now, but just something was not working and I started rocking and rolling, but I really wasn't prepared. And I told you, I went to Columbus. I had a bag of dicks. I didn't go back for like 16 months. And that scared the shit out of me. I always thought it was because I bombed. They closed it down to fix it or something like that.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, okay.

[Joey Diaz]

But, yeah, I did a horrible job that night. Like, just, I think when your wife says something to you. No, we spoke about it that night. She's like, you weren't. You weren't Comedy Store. She said to me. And I'm like, you're right. And there's nothing I could do. I didn't go back to the store till maybe four years later.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, yeah. No, and it's. It kind of reminded me like, what happened this weekend. Like, you know, you. Maybe I don't know what was going on in September or August of that year, but maybe do you think you weren't working as hard at it? You said you're almost out of comedy.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't know what I was doing. Who the fuck knows what I was? I was clean. I was living in the Valley. I was living on the street of Death, where I met Gray. And I just wasn't getting on stage like I was. I was used to getting on stage 30 times a month, nine times, six at the haha and a weekend a month with Joe. So my game wasn't really tight, you know, And I remember feeling bad about it and hitting the Notebook and, you know, trying to really learn how to head. And then I started going to the Irvine Improv, right? That's why I gotta learn how to headline. And not at the store, because you're doing 15 minute sets, right? You know, you go to the store. This was the bad thing about the store consumer. And you might go to the store and see that dude's best 15 minutes. Then when he comes to your hometown, he shows up with an hour in the last. The last hour, the last 30 minutes. You want to put a bullet in your head. You're like, well, I saw him at the store. Because they're only doing 15 minutes. The store is great for a lot of things, but it's not great for longevity. What you're doing is perfect.

[Lee Syatt]

I'm sorry, froze a little second. I don't think people understand, like, going from like 15 or 20 to 45 an hour is a big jump. So to only do 15 at the.

[Joey Diaz]

Store, it's a big jump when you look at it and it's a big jump when you're watching it. But it's so weird how comics will add five minutes of junk to have that time. And it's so hurtful for you. I'd rather you say you're a feature and stretch.

[Lee Syatt]

Right.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, they always want you to do 20 as a feature. Now when I was a feature, they wanted you to do 30. So I would just do 35, 37. You know, the headliner was gonna do two hours. You don't give a about my extra. If I run the light by 10, I'd ask him, do you mind if I do an extra five? I'm trying something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm back here. You know, in Miami, they don't give a what you do. They're back there looking at girls. You know, some places they're small. You're in the green room, you're dying to get on stage. I understand. So that was the differences. And that's. A lot of people don't understand that. They really don't know when you go to the Comedy Store. You see somebody's best 18 minutes, and you could. You could do 18 minutes, and you could start with another 20 and another 20 for me. It worked better when I was stretching. When somebody hires you in a bar and you take $100 less and go, can I do an hour? And you just battle through it. It doesn't matter. Those people are drunk. They're not going to, like, way or the other, and they're going to remember you one way or the other. And there's like, if you're in a bar show. You know what I'm saying? But then there's clubs that you could, you know, the Ice House. I never went up there with material.

[Lee Syatt]

That is mind blowing to me.

[Joey Diaz]

You were there with me. I know those little Saturday night things that have three things on a piece of paper. And we'd do an hour because I was used to it. If I do that now. Oh, you're gonna throw tomatoes at me after 20?

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, well, you'll. You know. But you would definitely. You would figure it out. But like, I was thinking about. Because you said something on the phone that, like, kind of like you said, like, I bet you're gonna do, like, 20 weeks this year. And I went and looked. I went back down, back on my calendar. If I don't add anything, and I have a couple weeks available, if I don't add anything, I'm gonna do 32 weeks, like, on the road. Like, not even, like, local shows. Like, 32. And I was like, wow, that's cool. Like, that's more than I want. Like, my goal was to hit 20 this year, and I did.

[Joey Diaz]

That's very impressive.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, I'm so happy.

[Joey Diaz]

That's how you. And what people don't. People, you know. Well, you're not working improv. I'm working Harry's Bar and Grill. They give me four shows. They give me a cheeseburger before every show. There's no judgment. I could try a new 15 minutes a night. There's no agents there. You know, dog, this is what I told you. I hit on the triple runs. I hit on the Michigan runs. I hit on the Oklahoma. The Wyoming runs. I hid. I hid perfectly. You know, I hid perfect. Purposely. Yeah. What's that?

[Lee Syatt]

It was perfect. It was a good idea.

[Joey Diaz]

It's perfect. The problem is people have the patience. Now, you. You started in Boston.

[Lee Syatt]

Mm.

[Joey Diaz]

That's a big American. I started in Denver. You started in Boston. That's a way for. My market was different. Like, I. Every once in a while, Wyoming comes to My mind. Like, I did comedy in Wyoming in a barn and there'd be 400 people there.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, they're my favorite night.

[Joey Diaz]

With hay on the side and chairs and they were selling beers and they do. They would raffle shit for the church. There's a community comedy show and I go up there and be a little raunchy from time to time. And they took the ride with me. I wasn't fucking. I wasn't looking to be Robin Williams. I was just looking to do time and a place. Wouldn't fucking come back to haunt me.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah. And even. Not even more like. It wouldn't come back to haunt you.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah.

[Lee Syatt]

I mean, yeah, if you bomb for an hour, they're not going to be happy about it, but like those shows in barns or like in the middle of nowhere, they're just so happy to be there. Like, I love those shows.

[Joey Diaz]

I remember doing a show towards the Canadian border.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

In Wisconsin. I gotta tell you something. The half hour, the last half hour before the gig, like we were supposed to be there at 8 and it must have been about 5:30. And we ate something and said, you know, just in those days there wasn't no miles to the next to your gig. There was no waves, you know, And I'll never forget, like miscalculating. And the last. And I'm not lee. The last 45 minutes before this town, there was nothing. In fact, there was nothing that there was fake deer. They put like plastic deer up to make it look like there was a civilization out there. There was nothing. Like when we got to the hotel, it was like a fucking party in that town. You thought you went to Studio 54. They thought we were celebrity. What movies have you been in?

[Unknown]

None.

[Joey Diaz]

No, no, no. We saw you in movie. Like, oh, fuck. You know, But I don't know. I enjoyed those as much as I enjoyed doing spots at the store. And I still think about those sets.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, yeah?

[Joey Diaz]

Well, think about those set from the Feeling, because you weren't playing for money, you were playing to be funny.

[Unknown]

Two big differences.

[Joey Diaz]

When you're playing for money and when you're playing to be funny, it's two big differences. So it's kind of fun because you don't give a. You're just looking for. To go to a show to see some woman fall out of her chair and puke. And then the couple in the back to swap and spit. I'm, you know, I still can't get over. They were. He was. He was as creepy as could be. Giving her a massage.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, giving. And I. Dude, I'm not a comic. Like, I almost never, like, call anybody out. Like, I've made that mistake a couple of times. Like, if someone was sleep. And people don't usually find it funny. It's like, I didn't call him out, but then he, like, he just. He didn't heckle, but he talked right after the woman fell out of the chair, like they were going crazy. And he asked me a question, Just, like, asked me, like, a question about one of my jokes, and I was like, you know what it. And I was like, I wasn't gonna bring this up, but you guys have basically been the whole show. And, like, the crowd went nuts. And then he. I thought. I was worried he was gonna be upset. He said. He said, you should see who. What's happening underneath the table. And, like, they do. They were going nuts. They were. It was so fun. But it's. Dude, in that show, both shows Friday and Saturday, a lot of people came out Saturday, which was awesome. But, like, that show was, like, as crazy as it was. Like, I did 15 minutes on nothing, just on what was happening in front of me. And just, like, it was so. It was. There was so much energy. And I'm not encouraging people to. To heckle at all. It doesn't help the show at all. But in those. Like when. Like when I'm in the side room of a restaurant, like, it's just. It's not going to be the Irvine Improv.

[Joey Diaz]

No, it's not. And you have to go up there thinking like that. It's like when I go to girls softball games and they got a ref with a missing foot, and the other guy's, you know, got his hat on sideways and he's blowing a whistle. One of those things that you blow with the spin, the going around, they get mad because. Because he missed a call. My guys. Look at these guys. You know, these aren't major league umpires, right? We just hear good time. You know what I'm saying? Kids, don't get hurt. We're just having a good time.

[Lee Syatt]

You know, they're making 20 bucks a game.

[Joey Diaz]

I could tell. Friday night. All together now. How long have you been doing comedy? Years.

[Lee Syatt]

It'll be seven in November.

[Joey Diaz]

Okay. Starting now, you're going to get breakthroughs. And anybody who's doing comedy in the fifth, sixth, seventh year, you know, maybe your advances Lee. Maybe you're not as far along as Lee, maybe, whatever. Remember one thing. You're going to have good nights and bad nights. But I've Said this once, and I'll say this again. Every 60 to 90 days, you're gonna notice such an improvement of yourself on stage. Oh, yeah, you're gonna notice such an improvement of yourself on stage. Something's gonna happen and you're gonna handle it correctly. And that, my friend, and I can tell you right now, because you're gonna answer me, you could eat 20 mushrooms and not have the feeling you get when you get off stage and you realize as a comedian that you've gotten to the next level. For me, it was. I gotta say, guys, it was, Jesus. Maybe November of 98. Let's just go with November of 98. I did a show in the Belly Room. And guys. And Lee, you've heard all my junkie stories, right? I had coke in my pocket. When I went in that stage that night in the Belly Room, not only do I blow myself out of the water, but what I did that night, I also realized I did, like an hour 35, and it was like 10 minutes I had done before. The rest was just from my heart and whatever. And I'll never forget that night giving that coke away because I couldn't get over what I had done on stage.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, yeah. And I would imagine drugs and gambling might be similar, but, like, doing well in standup is like, winning is better than winning and gambling. But, like, bombing and stand up is worse than losing and gambling, at least for me. Like, they're very similar to me.

[Joey Diaz]

But after 10 years, you realize that every bomb made you better. And remember, one of those bombs would have taken somebody down.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

They don't call them bombs because they're a good feeling, right? But after a while, you just get used to them. You just start getting used to them and used to them and used to them. And one day something else happens. And, man, that's why I tell people, don't quit until the miracle happens. Don't give up on a miracle, right? We all have a chance to hit a miracle, right? I mean, it's just any day we could bump into anything, but we're not involved. We'll never get that miracle. That's what people never really understand. Everybody wants to sit at home and make videos and think that, you know, fucking the Bluebirds gonna knock on their door with a check. Don't work that way. No, those bombings or those bombings, they pay you a lot of money for those bombings later on in your career when you stick with it, okay? Because, you know, when you stick, you're right over there.

[Lee Syatt]

I'm sorry, I. I Thought you were continuing.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm sorry, are you light on the edibles again tonight?

[Lee Syatt]

No, I'm not light on the edibles, but I.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, I got the. I don't even. These mushrooms, these African mushrooms are so strong, they're not even on the premises. I got these in a safe at my buddy's house. Because you have to keep in a certain temperature, like crowd therapy, to keep the enzymes awake or whatever the it is in there. So you better drink a lot of water, cock liquor, because it's coming for you. You know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syatt]

I'm working on it. But like, that was like that you said, like, the feeling you get, like, when, like, you do well, because I had been like, I've been doing okay. I've been doing pretty well this year. But the feeling when you get off stage and, you know, you could have handled the situation differently, it like, it's like a bummer. It's like, it really. It really will bum me up. But, like, getting off stage, being like, oh, I handled that the way I was supposed to, like that. That's a new feeling.

[Joey Diaz]

Well, yeah. And, Lee, listen, man. You and I both know, worst feeling, there's two worst feelings is bombing and trying to realize what you did wrong and shitting the bed in an audition and trying to realize what you did wrong. And they're like, thank you for coming. You don't want me to read again? No, no, no, it's okay. That was. That was great. Thank you, Mr. Diaz, for coming. You're like, they might call me back. And also, you don't hear from them forever.

[Lee Syatt]

Never.

[Joey Diaz]

Never What? Forever? But you think about, what did I do? How did I break it down? And those are the things that build strength. It's like if I scrape your elbow against a wall, eventually every night the scab is going to break and get tougher and tougher and tougher and tougher. And after six years of me banging your head off a wall, you won't have that scab no more. You won't breathe, you won't bleed no more. You see what I'm saying?

[Lee Syatt]

I don't think I'll do a lot of things after six years of getting my head banged against the wall.

[Unknown]

Well, whatever.

[Joey Diaz]

You get what I'm trying to say to you?

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, of course.

[Joey Diaz]

Sometimes bombing is. And listen, it's the truth. Bombing is so much way better than doing fantastic all the time. I took an immeasurable amount of bombs. I was like. I was like fucking Lebanon. I was taking bombs. I was Taking bombs, just for fucking Christ's sakes. Some weeks I was just taking bombs, for Christ's sakes, dog. And I would sit there and go, like I told you how many times I cried, dog.

[Unknown]

I don't cry about anything.

[Joey Diaz]

I would cry about bombing and cry. Not really about bombing, but how this was my last fucking hope in this world. Like, I would sit there at night with that stupid newspaper, open the comedy jfl, whatever it was called out of San Francisco, and I would write the clubs I want, and then I would start ripping the page like a child. You ever see Denzel Washington, man on fire, when he got really at night and he was playing with the gun and all that, and he would talk to himself. That was me when I saw that. And in a drug addict type of way, that was me at night. Because I knew this was my only fucking hope out of that dingy apartment. It was my life. That's how I looked at it. That's how I looked at it. And after 95, I had a little bit more confidence. So I'm like, I could do this, but my goals weren't to, you know, meet Joe Rogan. My goals were to just stay on the road and live like the catcher from major league.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, that's the dream.

[Joey Diaz]

Like, that was the dream. I didn't care about movies or tv. I just want to live in a hotel, eat, meet women, play the ukulele at night with sandals on, snort coke and die on the road. I had nothing. I had nothing on. You look at your mentality then. Now I look at. Oh, all those things I just said to y'all, like, you know, fucking playing the banjo and hanging out with women and drinking tequila. I look at all that stuff. Like, that stuff will kill me first. But back then, when you're 30, that's.

[Lee Syatt]

Exactly what you're looking for.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, what the fuck? And then eventually, you meet somebody and they turn you onto this, and you get turned on to this. Next thing you know, you compete in the Seattle comedy Competition, and you. What the fuck am I doing? I was just at a bar two weeks ago cracking jokes, and I came in third tonight. Okay?

[Lee Syatt]

It's the best part about it. It's like the one of the few things. And there are people, like, I'm one of them who have, like, benefit from, like, you know, things to get shows they shouldn't, they might not necessarily get, but, like, on a talent level, all. Every comic starts it out at the same place. Like, it's very even, very even, very even.

[Joey Diaz]

And there's people that dog their sleepers. So many sleeper cells. You're gonna go to a town one time with Josh Wolf and you're gonna headline Wednesday night.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

Some clubs gonna call you one of these days and go, hey, man, don't say nothing. Somebody's coming in Thursday, Friday, Saturday, but they don't want to do the late shows. Do you mind headlining Wednesday featuring for him Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and then headlining the late shows?

[Lee Syatt]

Hell yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And you're like, yeah, why not? And there was a point I was trying to make here that Wednesday show, you know, Like, I don't even know what I was trying to say to you. I think those hash edibles hit me already.

[Lee Syatt]

And you know what I'm saying about. About how it's a level playing field.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. You're going down a Wednesday night and you're headlining and you eat a bag of dicks. Now you're in that Thursday and you're banging it out with one of the best headliners in the country that's home to visit his grandmother and he just wants to do the early show and pick up some cash while he's there. And then that night you're headlining him. But I. I really forgot the point I was going to make. I'm sorry about that.

[Lee Syatt]

That's okay. It happens. It happens to me all the time.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, but you didn't eat 8,000 milligrams.

[Lee Syatt]

No, no one does eat 8,000 milligrams.

[Joey Diaz]

I had a bag of these Creighton gummies. It's THC, but he calls that it's not Crayton, that people are dying of the Chinese plant. The hash infused edibles with thc. Not bad. I ate them. I was like, yeah, baby, I finally found something. But I had to eat the whole bag, which is 500 kg. So today I helped them to 608. Three or four fucking ABXs. I gotta get ready. I'm saying, how do you do that?

[Lee Syatt]

I have no idea how.

[Joey Diaz]

I just do it. It's just another. It's just another day. You know what I'm saying? It's just another day to. You gotta get up and train. Some days you hit it hard. Some dog. Let me tell you something. You have no idea what I have been through the last week. Because I don't want to bring you down on the phone.

[Lee Syatt]

Why?

[Joey Diaz]

Because I'm not that type of dude. So fucking. I've had this thing in my ear since God knows when. I went to two different doctors. Cream. The one lady looked at it. There's something in there. We're going to give you something that'll come out. That went on for fucking six months. I'm sitting there waiting. So I ran out of cream. The whole thing. I just keep a band aid on it to dry it out to see when this thing's going to fall out. I think last Thursday, I wake up, I go to kiss my daughter. She's like, dad, there's something sticking out of your ear. And I'm like, oh. So I called my wife, I go take a look at this thing. And it was just like a whitehead that wasn't really a whitehead. So she. When she pulled guys, you thought I got shot, but I got shot. I still remember being over a sink and the blood was dripping different parts of the fucking sink. It was unreal. It was a boil with a thing sticking out of it. I mean, she pulled out what she could and it was not good looking, but I mean, it was. I ruined two shirts that day and.

[Lee Syatt]

Just wouldn't stop bleeding.

[Joey Diaz]

Wouldn't stop bleeding. The sweatshirt and the T shirt I had underneath.

[Lee Syatt]

And do you have to like, bring it? Do you have to go to the doctor? Is that what happened this week?

[Joey Diaz]

So I made the subscription. I picked it up late Friday and I put it on there. Friday was doing better, Saturday was doing better. I put some mercuricrone on there old school. And I dosed up the vitamin C so I wouldn't get an infection. And I Sunday, it was killing me. So this morning I got up. But no, last night before I went to bed, I go, honey, you gotta look at this thing. And she's like, joey, we just gotta take this to the hospital. Like, oh, forget the hospital, let's go to urgent care. So I went this morning. I got up this morning bright and early. I was like the third guy there. Holy. This morning they actually shot me with a needle in there. No, I haven't seen Jesus in a long time, but I saw him this morning. That's why I was a little discombobulated this morning. But I went at 8:45. I sat there for like 25 minutes. They called me in there. The lady looked at it, cleaned it, did a bunch of stuff. She was listening. There's a dermatologist up there. Let me get you in there. I said, all right. So 1250, she got me in there. I left there, came home, did my morning stretch, did a video for YouTube, which I think they made it child proof because I smoked on it. I didn't show myself smoking. I just showed the Smoke.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, damn. Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

So then I caught a quick half hour at the boxing gym. I went down there. He laid it into me today. I was like fucking dead when I let that came. Shaved my monkey, showered and went right back to the doctor at 12:50. She fucking took one look at it. She goes, all right, lay down. And she goes, what I'm gonna do is put some cocaine on it and I'm gonna shoot it. And then we're gonna scrape it and take out all that stuff. So she's gonna send it in to see if it's skin cancer. But when she pricked it with the needle, like, it was painful, but she had to take the needle out because the amount of blood that came her way, Jesus, it was insane. She had to keep me there for like 30 minutes after that. It was insane. I got home, I went to Pickle Diring. I got myself a chicken noodle soup, and I opened turkey sandwich with mashed potatoes on the side for lunch. And I was home by 245. Tip top, Magoo. Ready to pick up my daughter, ready for when the bus dropped her off.

[Lee Syatt]

But why don't you? Because, I mean, I don't feel like. I don't feel like you can't tell me things, but, like, why don't you tell people, like, that shit's going on?

[Joey Diaz]

Because what do you want me to put on Facebook? Twitter? That my ears up? Yeah.

[Lee Syatt]

No, not Facebook, but you can tell your friends.

[Joey Diaz]

Hold on. Somebody died. Let me look up a picture from 1980, when I was a kid and he gave me an autograph. Let me post it up so everybody knows he was my buddy, you know?

[Lee Syatt]

You really don't post that stuff?

[Joey Diaz]

No.

[Lee Syatt]

It's so creepy when people do that.

[Joey Diaz]

It's. It's a different world on Instagram, it's like, we don't need to know. There's a thousand things I want to know about you. That shit, I don't give a fuck. You want to show me your titties, Go ahead. This Facebook. Knock yourself out. But if you're going to tell me about your toe, that you're out of commission. Say a prayer for my cousin. He jumped out of a helicopter. What am I, a swami? I can't help you.

[Lee Syatt]

But what about. Have you seen when people post pictures from the hospital room and they're like, send me some prayers or give me some thoughts? Who. How can you. Why would you go to the hospital room and take out your phone to take a picture?

[Joey Diaz]

If I send you a. If I put a Picture on Facebook. The captain's going to be, send me an Asian nurse with sticky hands. I have an intravenous in my neck.

[Lee Syatt]

In your neck. Holy shit.

[Joey Diaz]

We gotta get the good stuff. We ain't getting that billy goat stuff they give you from. You know.

[Lee Syatt]

I would love to see you talk to a nurse and be like, I don't want the billy goat stuff. Do you talk to nurses like that?

[Joey Diaz]

I tell them the truth today.

[Unknown]

I told Leigh, listen, before you put.

[Joey Diaz]

That needle in my arm, I'll tell you something. Because she took my blood pressure when I walked in there. And I'm like, listen, relax. I just cut off like, you want to take my blood pressure? I told her, it's our first date, give me 10 minutes. And then she put it on. She laughed because. And then it went down to, like, fucking. Listen, Doug, I have a good time in my life. I like. I go to this place to eat. It's dynamite. I'm not even gonna blow up the spot. I love the food there, and I like going there when it's quiet. But it's so good from time to time. I gotta go in there on a Saturday and bust out. But every Saturday I go there, talk to my. I have a little Mexican bartender that takes care of me. He's moving back to Acapulco. He's like a co headliner. He's like a bus boy slash bartender. I got him on the small 20 program in there. But every time I go on, there's a girl that's very attractive, young, you know, but very quiet. And I. The first two times I seen a bartender, like, I don't know how that girl makes money. Why she doesn't. She doesn't smile. Oh, yeah, if she smiled, she would. So finally, I went there this weekend, and a buddy of mine goes in there to eat the bartender from Osteria, Joe, okay? And he comes in, he goes, yeah, I'm off today. I came down. I always come down here my day off. My. Oh, the lunch special is great. And I go, joe, that girl never smiles. And he goes, I know, it kills me, too. And I look, and all of a sudden she comes back. And at the end, I got to pay my check and I go give him a glass of wine before I leave. And I'll pay for that cash. So when she went away to get it, because she was in my waitress. She was my buddy's waitress. I. I'm with Ricky Ricardo from Nakabuco, right? I say to her, watch. And she comes back and she's got beautiful nails.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay?

[Joey Diaz]

Nails with money. And they go. Can I ask you a question? She goes, what? I go, where do you get your nails done? And she goes, perth Amboy. Why do you ask? You know, because when I go in transition, I want the best, baddest nails there are. You know what I'm saying? I'm thinking of switching. And she started laughing, though. She smiled.

[Lee Syatt]

You got it. I bet you'll love you.

[Joey Diaz]

Yes. I tipped her. We had a good time. Let's take a breather and talk to you guys about DraftKings this weekend.

[Unknown]

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[Joey Diaz]

Like a certain player scoring a touchdown.

[Unknown]

It's easy, it's fun, and it makes the game even more exciting.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, you know me, dog, when it comes to baseball, I'll pick a player. I'll pick Ohtani or Judge, like, three nights a week to hit a home run. You put the small $5 on it. It's a blast. You do the same with football. It's easy. Let's say you like the Eagles, all right? And you want to bet that dude that came from the Giants to the Eagles, Joaquin? I don't know.

[Unknown]

Barkley. Barkley is his name. That's his name, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Let's say you want to put in there's 180 yards. They'll give you a nice little piece for that.

[Unknown]

Let's say you want to bet that he scores one touchdown. There you go. And that's what DraftKings does. Start with somebody simple. Your favorite team. Now, here's a reason for new customers to do a touchdown dance on their own. Bet $5 to get 200 and bonus bets just like that instantly score big with DraftKings Sportsbook, the number one place to bet touchdowns. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app and use code JOEY. That's code JOEY. JOEY for new customers only to get 200 in bonus bets when you bet just $5. Only at DraftKings, where the crown is yours.

[D]

Gambling problem. Call 1-800-GAMBLER in New York. Call 877-8-OPENY or text Hopeny 467-369 in Connecticut. Help is available for problem gambling. Call 888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org Please on behalf of Boothill Casino and Resort in Kansas 21 and over. Age and eligibility varies by jurisdiction. Boyd. In Ontario, bonus bets expire 168 hours after issuance. For additional terms and responsible gaming resources see DKNG Co FT ball.

[Joey Diaz]

All right, guys, don't forget, DraftKings is alive and kicking. This is the time of the year. We got football, NBA starting. I mean, fuck, it's so much. It's so much that's coming out. You got so many different choices to make. 27.50 a night. You know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syatt]

And it's amazing how, like, close they are.

[Joey Diaz]

I've lived my life. I'm very happy betting $20, $10. Very happy. I would still get excited because I only bet, like, 10 bucks on a churro. And he's hitting home runs like they're yum yum, son a Japanese street. Speaking of Yum Yum's dog, let me tell you what's going on with Uncle Joey lately. So about a month ago, maybe about six weeks ago, I took my daughter to Wawa with her girlfriends for something after a softball game. And I noticed they had blow pops, okay, without the blow pop. Because sometimes you get the blow pop and it's a good cherry one, but it's old and you gotta break a tooth to get to the gum. I'm too old to be playing mystery with the. The lollipop and biting into that.

[Lee Syatt]

Right.

[Joey Diaz]

I went to Wawa one day, and they got like a 10 pack of the gums that are inside all the flavors. So watermelon, grape, strawberry. Yeah, I avoided the middleman. So I go in there every once a week and I buy one or two, and then I eat a whole pack of the night and spit it out on the road. But I love it. And then I started the one night I went to get like three packs, and the guy goes, hey, man, you've been coming in here a lot for those things. I'm like, busted.

[Lee Syatt]

Isn't that the worst?

[Joey Diaz]

So I had to start going to different Wawas to get my little. The one retarded cook kept. Are you Joey? Are you Joey?

[Unknown]

Are you Joey?

[Joey Diaz]

He wouldn't stop. He wouldn't stop doing that. Would Joey Diaz being here buying bubble gum. He goes, no. Okay, then I'm not Joey Diaz. And I walked out.

[Lee Syatt]

How often are you getting gum? That's because the worst, when they recognize you. I had that happen at Jack in the Box. It's the worst.

[Joey Diaz]

And then they got right back to me because I had a tariff up there. If anybody sees me at a Fast food restaurant, go to reefer store and pick up $10 worth of weeds. Everybody was ratting out.

[Lee Syatt]

People love to rat me out. Everyone else's snitches get stitches. Everyone loves to rat me out to Joey. People will wrap me out for stuff I haven't done.

[Joey Diaz]

The funny thing was the day you put on Arab disguise to go to Subway sandwiches.

[Lee Syatt]

I was hungry. I was hungry. It was a. Oh, dude. I had someone tell me recently had another comic accuse me of get like. He's like, oh, last time I saw you, you were up. I was like, oh, yeah. Really? I was like, yeah. This comedy club like a comedy club I've never been to. People loved and they always tag you in things. I can't tell you how often I get tagged in. Lee, you're really upset. Joey, look at it like that. Who else has to deal like, oh my God, Lee's really fun. I still get people saying you're Jersey Mike's guy now. No, Subway. I haven't been to Subway. I'm like paranoid to go to a Subway.

[Joey Diaz]

It is crazy how they don't leave. They still talking about their Stars of Death. Oh yeah, that, that, that's been gone for eight years. The stars that stars at that. It's so weird when they bite into something. It's like, you know what me up last week.

[Lee Syatt]

What's that?

[Joey Diaz]

Number one in today's world. You can't get in trouble, okay? You, you cannot get an illegal trouble. You cannot be a high profile person and get into any dilemma because the media. What's that expression there? The judge. Yeah, yeah, like the media doesn't give you a chance to breathe. Listen, we've known each other a long time.

[Unknown]

You ever see Diddy?

[Lee Syatt]

No, I've never seen him out.

[Joey Diaz]

Okay, you know what? That, that wasn't our world, you know, my world. And it's so funny how.

[Lee Syatt]

All of.

[Joey Diaz]

A sudden everybody's got a Diddy story, but then there's people that like you and me. Name a party we went to, leave like that we went to somewhere together. Do you remember any? We did.

[Lee Syatt]

The only party we went to was. Was Gabe's Christmas party, which was awesome.

[Joey Diaz]

Okay, Gabe's Christmas party. So how long ago was that?

[Lee Syatt]

Eight to 10 years ago. I would say somewhere seven to 10 years ago.

[Joey Diaz]

It's. Yeah, 10 years ago. It's 24. Even before that. It's gotta be 11 years ago because the one year you went to see the fucking movie 2013, went to see that movie 2012. Now what if that Night we took a picture, me, you, Martin, and whatever. And you know, Gabriel's our friend, we know him, we know the guys. But one of the guys got caught playing the bongo somewhere in Mexico with a 10 year old. You know what I'm saying? And he's got a farm and he's cousins to the guy in Waco. Yeah, I'm just making an imaginary fucking scenario. And all of a sudden, they immediately got pictures. You know, they. They got people that were actually there for the parties, you know, Beyonce, whatever the. And all of a sudden, after a week, they dig up our picture. Who else was there? And we're like, guys, lean if they knew. We drove down, we ate, we giggled, and we were home by like 11:30, like, you know, and they raffled off a TV, they gave away $15,000 and they were playing poker. Do you remember that night?

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And it's like, so now because I was there, now I'm getting hate mail, you know, like now people looking at you differently, you know, they posted a picture of him and Howard Stern. I didn't see anything with Howard Stern. But then the media started talking about their people with their kids. And that's when I blow the line.

[Lee Syatt]

What's that?

[Joey Diaz]

You know what, man? I don't see Diddy with kids. I see Diddy banging all these hot black chicks and these rappers and, you know, celebrities and giving them yum yum pills and roofies and making them drink blood, whatever the they do, you know, because it's just. It's just something beyond. And then so that pissed me off that the media is doing that. But the big thing about 90% of the people that are talking about this don't know the mental state of the people in Los Angeles and don't know the mental state of people trying to become famous. No, there's two types of people that go to la. There's people that want to become famous, and there's just people that end up there like I did. You know, it took me 20 years to get an agent that was worth it. You know what I'm saying? But in those 20 years, I forgot who the fuck I was. Okay? But we weren't that lucky, Lee. And you've witnessed it. You've seen what happens to people. I mean, we saw somebody get caught up. And I would tell you all the time, watch that person. Watch that person. It was no, it was a no brainer, you know, you're an actor, comic. You're a comic. You don't belong there. You don't you don't belong there. I don't care what they tell you this, that you don't belong there. Because once you get there, you're going to realize you don't belong there. Or you're gonna be a. Just to hang around those guys in the rap videos or those guys in the rock videos in the back with the bottle. You know, that's what you want to do. But for some people, they're very happy with that. But before people start criticizing, they gotta understand the mental state of men and women when they get around that.

[Lee Syatt]

And I don't even know what it was like.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, we both don't know. I don't. That's not our world. We had a office that we paid 700amonth for. Guy.

[Lee Syatt]

Right? Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Our world. We don't know nothing about that.

[Lee Syatt]

Like, what do you think? Like what? Because I. These people probably wouldn't have done a lot of that stuff wherever they were from. Like, what do you think happens when they get around that stuff?

[Joey Diaz]

My biggest question has always been, what makes a young woman go into a man's hotel room to read a script? Okay, that. That when I send my daughter home every to school, that's what I think about. Like, what didn't they teach those girls that you don't go up there. You just don't go up there. There was just so many things that people never really looked at. And there was a lot of things with men. I could sit, listen, I could go on Shannon Sharp and tell Shannon a million stories just of speculation that I've heard from the minute I got there that I never got myself caught into. I just looked at it for what it was, and that's what they do. And you know what? That's it. That's it. That. That was the best thing. But it's so sad that people don't know that world. But then again, want to jump into it. You don't know the world of Jennifer Lopez. You don't know the world of Diddy. It's not a life, it's a world. And what comes into it, Madonna, you know, these. These moguls, they're. You know, you don't know their world. You just think they were so. That was tremendous.

[Lee Syatt]

You don't know their world.

[Joey Diaz]

That wasn't even a fart. That was my back stretching.

[Lee Syatt]

That was a world.

[Joey Diaz]

But people don't know their world. And the people that are in their world and what they would do to be that person. And when you have that, you'll do anything.

[Lee Syatt]

That's all you want is to be famous.

[Joey Diaz]

That's it. I always came from the school that you had to get on stage to get famous. You know, I see these comedians that are trying to strive, but they work more on what parties they get invited to and the fashion they get on and the bullshit galas. They get invited because they just listen, if you know that the Grammys, the Emmys or the Oscars, you know, look at me, I'm at the Lesbians latino Alliance. Listen, there's 80s, you know what I'm saying? It's. It's kind of weird. And they make this big yuck for some people that fills their hole. For me, I'd rather be at the store banging it out, doing spots, snorting coke, and learning comedy in three different rooms. You know, that's what kills me about this. So I haven't spoken about it because everybody's talking about. Everybody's making jokes now. Everybody was at a ditty party. I've never seen nothing like this in my life.

[Lee Syatt]

People want to be at diddy parties.

[Joey Diaz]

No, that. Now everybody was at a ditty. Right?

[Lee Syatt]

That's what I'm saying. I'm surprised someone. People admit to it now.

[Joey Diaz]

Everybody who, you know, was at a diddy party.

[Lee Syatt]

I. I did get some good. Some good food last night, though.

[Joey Diaz]

I bet I know what it is.

[Lee Syatt]

No.

[Joey Diaz]

Out of me.

[Lee Syatt]

No, no. It was actually. It was great. I went to this Italian place. It was great in the Upper east side. It was called, like, San Mateo.

[Joey Diaz]

Dude.

[Unknown]

They.

[Lee Syatt]

I had, like, noi for, like, one of the first times. And then they brought out prosciutto, like, hanging like. Like, it was just a really cool present. Like, that's one of, like, the things I love about New York is these little restaurants. They're like, you know, they're not everywhere. And they could do really, like, they were speaking. They were. There was, like an Italian family in there the whole time. There was a kid running around. One of the guys was. And this isn't. This guy was just yelling, but he didn't seem angry. He was talking Italian or speaking Italian, but, like, it was just. It was a whole experience, and it was great. The yoki was great.

[Joey Diaz]

Very nice. Very awesome. How many times you gotta walk up and down those stairs to burn that yoke, dude?

[Lee Syatt]

You should have seen me carrying my suitcase up the four flights. That was a funny one.

[Joey Diaz]

I could just imagine.

[Lee Syatt]

That was a rough one.

[Joey Diaz]

Saturday was an adventure in my world also, because I don't know what that is. My wife made a pot roast with noodles.

[Lee Syatt]

Don't blame the pot roast.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, it's tremendous.

[Lee Syatt]

Jesus.

[Joey Diaz]

I've never been so scared in my life. I got flashbacks of being a kid.

[Unknown]

Which let you know how fearful I.

[Joey Diaz]

Was when I was a child. So my daughter goes to my wife that she wants to try out for some fucking club team. Me and my wife look at each other like, what the fuck? All right, she tries out. We don't hear nothing for two weeks. Then we got a call. She made it. All right.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, nice.

[Joey Diaz]

Practicing the whole thing. Saturday, we show up to a basketball game. It's a nice area, you know, we walk in, it's, you know, seven, eight nice white little girls from whatever this is called. What do they call that? And we look, and the whole team we're playing is fucking African American. The coach, the assistant coach, the cheerleaders, the whole team. And I'm like, oh, my God. My daughter got herself into a whammy this time. And this is what I wanted. I wanted to see if she pissed her pants or whatever. They lost 23 to, like, 10.

[Lee Syatt]

Wow.

[Joey Diaz]

But you know what? She did really good. She scored nice. Found it. You know, she forgot. Yes. She has transitioned to a forward from being a guard. So it was a tough transition. I took it to the courts Wednesday. She was off from school Thursday. I took it to the courts Thursday because I let. I could tell she's getting taller. She ain't a guard no more. She's a fucking forward now. She's a brute. She's a fucking brute.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, that's awesome.

[Joey Diaz]

So we went over there. She lost. But every. Every, bro, those. Those sisters were quick, and they were good, and they were princesses. They were all, like, very fucking sweet, you know, I talked to the parents after the game. You know, they were dynamite. There was one little black girl, looked just like John Morant. She had dreads taking it to the hoop Jack. Those little girls were vicious, you know, it was just an enjoyable game to watch.

[Lee Syatt]

What did Mercy say after losing like that?

[Joey Diaz]

Not a thing.

[Lee Syatt]

She got in the car with me.

[Joey Diaz]

She put on her music, and, you know, I asked her, I said, you did well. I go, you looked a little lost. She told me, you know, and then her mom's gonna take either tomorrow to shoot some hoops. I don't know. I don't know. It's gonna rain tomorrow. It's gonna rain tonight. Who the knows anymore? I'm going over to. What do you got? Wednesday night?

[Lee Syatt]

Wednesday. Number of this week?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. No, next week. Two weeks from nothing.

[Lee Syatt]

This week. I have nothing on Wednesday night.

[Joey Diaz]

Wednesday I'm gonna go over to the dojo.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, nice. I'll be there.

[Joey Diaz]

Then the following week I'm doing a show with Paul Rizzi. Tickets are on sale already, so hopefully you'll be in town to swing by on the 15th or pick a Wednesday.

[Lee Syatt]

No, I'll do, I'll do this week because next week I'll be in Boston all week. I'm actually doing the laugh Boston with Jim Florentine on that week. The 17th. The 17th.

[Unknown]

Look at you.

[Joey Diaz]

You bad? Yeah, yeah. So you're gonna. I was thinking about that the other day. I'll lead it over 20 weeks of work.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

If you really want to get good, you do 20 weeks. If you really, really, really want to get good, you do 35.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, I'm gonna hit 32, I think. And it's. But I definitely see a huge difference. But it's like that's why I'm so excited to be here in New York. I can just do so much.

[Joey Diaz]

And I'm excited because Thursday tickets go on sale Casino, which you're on the building. November 27th, 8:00. Tomorrow I'll put it up the link and then Thursday you can get the tickets. I'm very excited, Lee, for the first time in a long time. That's awesome. Doing stupid things. I've been writing stupid things. I've been paying more attention. I've matured a lot, you know, like I really, I understand what's happening now. I see what the game a little better. I'm gonna attack it from a different situation. And listen, I can retire whenever. Three years, 10 years, I don't give a fuck. As long as I feel good, I'm good. In fact, after I went to that before I went and boxed for a half hour. They knocked the out of me today. And the guy told me, because you did really good today, you lasted a lot longer. You're doing four minute rounds. And I'm like, it's not bad. Okay, I can live with that.

[Lee Syatt]

It's not bad at all. And like do you get like pumped up still after like a good, a good set or even a great set? Like are you. Do you feel like, do you have a lot of energy still on stage even, Even after. Well, I think it pumped up.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm scared to get involved like off the bat in two shows in one night.

[Lee Syatt]

Right. That's a lot.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm very scared right now. I don't want to give the people. So I know I got one good one I got one good 45 minute spot that I could rock the house, give you energy and learn, you know, and that's what I'm looking to get. I'm not. And we'll take it from there. One step at a time.

[Unknown]

Jack.

[Joey Diaz]

I love it before the other. As long as you never go backwards. Just keep going straight, never go back. Not even that. Not even to get impulse, you know what I'm saying?

[Unknown]

That's old school.

[Joey Diaz]

Hector Lavo.

[Lee Syatt]

I love it.

[Joey Diaz]

Me three. Cocksucker.

[Lee Syatt]

I'll just. Very quickly, I'm gonna be with Josh Wolf at Wise Guys in Salt Lake City and Knitting Factory in Boise this weekend.

[Joey Diaz]

What is the Jewish holiday this week?

[Lee Syatt]

Yom Kippur.

[Joey Diaz]

What day is that on?

[Lee Syatt]

I believe it goes Friday to Saturday or Thursday to Friday.

[Joey Diaz]

Where are you going to be?

[Lee Syatt]

I'm going to be in Salt Lake City.

[Joey Diaz]

Look at you. That's a good place to be.

[Lee Syatt]

I'm excited to be a Wise Guys.

[Joey Diaz]

You won't get bombed there this weekend. That's a great club.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Hello to the owner. He's a dear friend. I've known him for a long time.

[Lee Syatt]

Absolutely.

[Joey Diaz]

He's done great things in comedy. Keith.

[Lee Syatt]

I've heard.

[Joey Diaz]

My God, man. I had to call Keith and tell him, Keith, let me come up there. I know they don't like dirty acts. And he goes, if you want to come, I don't think you'll sell any tickets. And then he realized there was a market for everybody up there. It wasn't all just political correctness anymore. And he's doing great. He's got clubs in Vegas. Yeah, clubs in fucking Salt Lake. He's got like maybe three or two in Salt Lake and to in Vegas. So send them my love. Always a great comedy club. I wanted just a dynamite guy.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, that's one of the ones I'm most excited for.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, but that's it. Cocksucker. Hopefully I'll see you Wednesday night.

[Lee Syatt]

100. Can't wait.

[Joey Diaz]

Get ready for those mushrooms. I'm gonna take them out of the vault tomorrow. I'm gonna call Skinny Louie.

[Lee Syatt]

Now, how much does any Louie charge you?

[Joey Diaz]

Nothing, he's friends of mine.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, that's nice that he put a saving here. That was for you.

[Joey Diaz]

No, he's got a safe in his house.

[Lee Syatt]

You okay?

[Joey Diaz]

The freezer type thing. You have to keep these at a certain temperature.

[Lee Syatt]

Jesus Christ. That can't be good.

[Joey Diaz]

All right, go do your thing. I love you guys.

[Lee Syatt]

Love you, buddy.

[Unknown]

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[Joey Diaz]

You don't know nothing.

[Unknown]

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[Joey Diaz]

It works.

[Unknown]

You keep like two of them around local, put one in your sock, one.

[Joey Diaz]

In your wallet, and boof.

[Unknown]

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[Joey Diaz]

And right next to it is the meat locker.

[Unknown]

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[Joey Diaz]

You know what I'm saying?

[Unknown]

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