Once you get that through your head

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament

Episode: "Once you get that through your head"

Host: Joey Coco Diaz with Lee Syatt
Date: March 3, 2026
Recorded live from NYC

---

Episode Overview

In this dynamic, laugh-filled episode, Joey Diaz and co-host Lee Syatt return after a snowy week in New York, diving straight into candid stories and observations about life, neighborhood politics, comedy culture, cats, dogs, and the changing face of New York and show business. True to form, Joey's signature honesty and streetwise humor lead the conversation, touching on themes of respect, pettiness, survival, and the evolving social fabric of modern urban life. The duo weave personal anecdotes with brutal, hilarious commentary about what matters in friendship, community, and show business, making for an episode packed with both belly laughs and hard-won wisdom.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Surviving Winter and Neighborhood Hustles

[00:22-06:03]: Snow Stories & Hustling as a Kid

• Joey details being snowed in last week in NYC, the struggles of shoveling with his wife, and how hustling to clear snow for money is a tradition in neighborhoods like Hudson County, NJ.
• Memorable story about calling local kid Yusuf to shovel his walk—Joey offers him "three bills," but a Russian couple with a bobcat did the job for $150 and a $100 tip.
• Joey on hustling and scarcity:

  "Listen, the 7th grade, which is 42, 46 years ago, $40, you're a king." (03:12)

• The snow-shoveling gig economy: New York scheduled 12-hour shifts at $30/hr, but many people just took a shovel and went home or wasted time partying in the cold.

2. Territorial Warfare: Cars & Neighborhood Justice

[06:04-16:49]: Car Etiquette, Petty Revenge, and Street Rules

• Joey's philosophy about expensive cars left unattended in working-class neighborhoods: “You're not supposed to have a nice car. We're all losers here.” (06:26)
• Stories of “teaching lessons” to people who park luxury cars on his block for extended periods—flattening tires, filling trunks with cat litter, and even sugar or saran wrap in gas tanks.
• Joey attributes his sense of neighborhood justice to his stepdad, including putting potatoes in tailpipes and damaging tires for territorial enforcement.
• On car owners parking selfishly:

  “You set these rules and don’t tell anybody.” (08:22)

• Joey's take on direct action:

  "So why am I getting into an argument with you? You’re never gonna put it in your head. ... when I flatten your tires and it costs you $28 in the middle of the day, you won’t park there again." (14:15)

3. Cat Psychology and Pet Talk

[18:51-24:26]: Cat Stories, Differences from Dogs

• Both hosts share stories about their cats’ quirks—demanding behavior, night routines, and the “psychology” of cats vs. dogs.
• Joey insists you need “to put love in your hand” before petting a cat and that cats allow you to sleep with them (not the reverse).
• On cat psychology:

  “That cat ain’t sleeping on the bed with you. He’s allowing you... to sleep on the bed with them.” (24:09)

4. Dogs, Fads, and Responsibility

[24:44-29:59]: Getting a Dog, Pet Trends, and Cultural Commentary

• Discussion of getting a German Shepherd—Joey has strong preferences ("If you got a German shepherd, you want Hitler's...") and is adamant about not spaying female dogs for the protection aspect.
• Critique of people adopting pets for status and then abandoning them:

  “And these are the people you see... with their $2,000 purses, you know? And that’s how they act.” (29:59)

5. The Wisdom of Not Giving a F***

[30:01-31:26]: People Don’t Really Care

• Joey's perspective on superficial concern and appearances, referencing Chazz Palminteri:

  "Nobody cares. And when you get that in your fucking head in life, that nobody gives a fuck... at the end of the day they don’t." (30:01)

• Riffs on the performative nature of empathy on the news and social media.

6. Celebrity, Plastic Surgery, and Authenticity

[31:26-33:25]: Jim Carrey Changes & Staying Real

• Dialog about celebrities (Jim Carrey, Nicole Kidman) and plastic surgery—Joey refuses to participate in the Hollywood quest for youth.
• On Hollywood facelifts:

  “As soon as I hit the stage, Joey’s gonna look like a goofball. You just lost all your credibility, the whole thing. And you don’t look better. You look like a fucking Martian.” (33:39)

7. Comedy Club Power Dynamics & Standing Your Ground

[38:16-48:27]: Mitzi Shore Legacy & Pushback Against Authority

• Discussion of comedy clubs, lack of strong personalities like Mitzi Shore, and the trend of club managers acting important without the on-stage experience.
• Examples from Joey’s career—refusing to play along with club policies, holding firm against unreasonable demands.
• On comics who set limits:

  “You became a comedian so number one, nobody could tell you what the fuck to do.” (46:47)

8. Roasts, Hurt Feelings, and Boundaries

[52:24-54:35]: The Roast of New Jersey

• Joey performed at a New Jersey roast but avoids harsh jokes about people he doesn’t know, especially fellow comics he respects.
• Draws boundaries about what’s fair in a roast (“...the only roast I didn’t like... was the guy who tormented Ralphie May that night”—referencing going beyond comedy into cruelty).

9. Club Scenes, Parties, and Social Strata

[59:00-64:34]: Belonging, High Society, and Avoiding the LA Shuffle

• Joey describes being invited to industry events where he never felt he belonged—prefers to skip them and “let them miss you.”
• Realist assessment about Hollywood parties, networking, and the futility for those without “leverage.”

10. The New New York: Cost, Attitude, and Loss of Grit

[77:21-83:32]: Modern NYC: Gentrification, Cost of Living, Loss of Cool Factor

• Joey and Lee lament the loss of authentic “grit” in New York, the influx of outsiders, and how everything now is more about appearances, photos, and social media.
• Price shock: $24 margaritas, $33 drinks at Madison Square Garden, $15 street hot dogs.
• Joey:

  "Everything is so outlandish in New York now. Why? The coolness is gone. The coolness that was really New York is gone. And they ain’t gonna come back for a long time." (77:24)

• Criticism of fake “cool” spots (e.g., Pink’s Hot Dogs in LA, overpriced street food).

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On snow hustling and neighborhood economics:

  "This came—this was a paradise for money. Yeah, when it snowed, all you had to do was come up to Hudson County Park." (02:28)

• On modern Manhattan:

  "Now you go to a city, you’re like, it’s dirty. New York in the 70s and 80s ... had a little grime to it. It didn’t bother you. If you came from grime, it didn’t bother you..." (78:20)

• Candid community justice:

  "If I come up to you... and I go, 'Hey, man, do me a favor. From now on, don’t park there.' ... when I flatten your tires ... you won’t park there again." (14:15)

• On cats running the household:

  "You’re not... they’re not in your house. You’re in their house." (25:00)

• On networking desperation:

  "You could fake the funk like Jackie Gleason ... but you are what you are, and they’re gonna recognize you. Ooh, what’s he doing here? He doesn’t belong here." (57:12)

• On what women actually want to hear at the club:

  "They want to hear about how you’re gonna suck their pussy differently than anybody else... That’s all they want to know." (64:34)

---

Important Segment Timestamps

• Snow issues in NYC / neighborhood hustling: [00:22–06:03]
• Neighborhood car wars and "lessons": [06:04–16:49]
• Cat psychology, routines: [18:51–24:26]
• Dog discussion, pet responsibilities: [24:44–29:59]
• Perspectives on caring and public empathy: [30:01–31:26]
• Hollywood and the futility of plastic surgery: [31:26–33:39]
• Comedy club power struggles: [38:16–48:27]
• Roast of New Jersey anecdotes: [52:24–54:35]
• Hollywood parties and authenticity: [59:00–64:34]
• Reflecting on modern New York: [77:21–83:32]

---

Tone, Language, and Vibe

The episode is classic Joey Diaz: raw, irreverent, and brimming with real-life wisdom delivered with street-tough warmth. Joey’s stories alternate between outrageously funny, shockingly petty, and genuinely insightful, while Lee acts as the foil—playing the outsider, cat-parent, and straight man. Both hosts use blunt, sometimes crude language, but always with camaraderie and humor. The episode flows conversationally, bouncing from life stories to neighborhood sociology to sharp comedy observations, making it a natural, absorbing listen for fans—whether or not you caught the episode.

---

For Listeners Who Missed It

If you didn’t catch the live recording, this episode is a quintessential slice of Joey Diaz: equal parts neighborhood folklore, stand-up comedy shop talk, and unfiltered social commentary. Expect wild stories of winter survival, New Jersey pettiness, a crash course in cat and dog psychology, stand-up industry realities, and a sharp, nostalgic critique of what’s changed—and what hasn’t—in New York and show business.

Transcript

[A]

Kick this mule. What's happening? Beautiful people, the Church of. What's happening now? What is it? New edition.

[B]

New Testament.

[A]

New Testament is in full effect. It's Tuesday, March 3rd, 2026. It's a beautiful day to be alive. What up, Doctor?

[B]

Fuck the snow.

[A]

Oh, sorry about last week. We couldn't get in there. Fucking snow everywhere. There was a fucking pile of snow out there. I thought that Guthrie. Mom was under it. Jesus Christ. That's where they put her. She's in the snow somewhere. That dirty bitch.

[B]

What if it melted and then you found her?

[A]

She's. Listen, after three weeks on the street, she's nothing. You throw some salt on her. Some of that salt they throw on the fucking.

[B]

Some of the New Jersey salt.

[A]

Yeah, put that fucking 30ft of snow on that bitch. They'll find the skeleton. You know what I'm saying? That's it. They'll find it during Halloween.

[B]

It looks like a fucking decoration, but

[A]

the snow was real. It was brutal. Brutal. You know, I enjoyed it. You know, I shoveled the one night it. You're gonna die. You're gonna die.

[B]

Only you with a knee that's held together by toothpicks.

[A]

I have a wife that's an animal. She was not gonna let this. And I couldn't watch her get a

[B]

heart attack, so why not pay her?

[A]

I put her on the snowplow and I got the shovel and I moved the cars and we threw salt. And, you know, that was like 9 o' clock at 12 double the snow had been on there.

[B]

I know, fuck that.

[A]

So I said, fuck it. The next morning, I got up and I looked out that window. I'm like, oh, Lord. So I called this kid and I always see him. I met him about five years ago. He was like, 11, maybe 10. I met him at the pool. Little Yusuf, little gangster. Fucking Arab kid, gangster. So I hit him up that morning. I go, yusuf, I'm an old man. I need for you to come over and shovel. First thing he says is, how much? I said, three bills. He goes, I get two friends with me. I go, I'll see you this afternoon.

[B]

Three bills. Damn. I would have come down for three bills.

[A]

No. But the Russian did it for 150. I gave him a bill tip.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

The Russian and his wife came over, the bobcat. They woke us up at like nine. They're like, what's the story? You guys want it done? Give me a buck fifty. I said, do it in ten minutes. I'll give you an extra yardstick. You should have seen that Russian what they're drinking.

[B]

Did you do that as a kid? That seems like something you would do. What, like go out and say you're going to shovel, but then get the money and not shovel?

[A]

No, it's crazy because this came. This was a paradise for money. Yeah. When it snowed, you. All you had to do was come up to Hudson county park. If you made it up there, because you'd push everybody. Those Second Avenue, all those streets from North Bergen to Kennedy Boulevard, they'd be clobbered with snow. So all you had to do was stick out. And somebody would. You push somebody, you walk. You left the house with a shovel because you always had to unbury the tires and shit.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Sometimes they help you. One motherfucker wanted me to put chains on. I'm like, dog, that ain't gonna work. My gloves are thin. You know? My gloves are thin. But you came home, you know, listen, the seventh grade, which is 42, 46 years ago,

[B]

40 bucks, you're a king,

[A]

was a lot of money. And you came, you shoveled, and some people made a hundred. They were out there all day.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

The funniest story ever is that New York City hired snow shovellers. 30 bucks an hour.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. And then, you know, people just have no idea. First of all, you. So if you work seven hours, you get 2:10.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Or eight hours, you get 240, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then it's 12 hour shifts. So for four hours, you get $45 an hour.

[B]

But did you hear what's happening?

[A]

It's a fucking disaster. I think Sunday night, one of them got hit by a car. He said that my buddy works at the sanitation, okay. He says they were looking at the thing and you could see film of them shooting dice and drinking and smoking crack and shit.

[B]

Dude, I saw people on Instagram. He went there, he signed up, got the shovel and went home.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He said there was no but.

[A]

Yeah, that's it.

[B]

But then that's it. But they're not getting paid till, like, May, they said.

[A]

Yeah, I mean, listen, it's a paycheck. I mean, listen, first of all, you don't know how to shovel snow. See, we came from Colorado. I'll tell you how you shovel snow. First of all, you ever hear Jews the law diminishing returns? It's 10 below out there.

[B]

I've shoveled snow like three times.

[A]

I'm only gonna get you for four good hours before something freezes an ear. Four hours? Yeah, four hours.

[B]

I don't think I'm even Lasting that long?

[A]

That's the minimum. Four hours. Then you take a breather and you let me know if you wanna come back. Your toes are frozen, your hands are frozen. They're four hour shifts. Nobody's gonna make fucking 12 hour shifts of snowing. No, that's impossible. Doing this for 12 fucking hours. What about tomorrow? What about the next day? So it's just seven or eight hours. But they hired all these guys. But the dude was telling me the stories and showing me the videos of them shooting dice. And then that night he went to work and I was somewhere and he goes, look at this. One of them got hit by a car tonight. And he was laughing. I was laughing.

[B]

They don't give a fuck.

[A]

Listen, there's a couple places you don't want to get involved. There's a couple places in life you do not want to get involved. You do not want to snow shovel in New York City or upper northern New Jersey. Because these motherfuckers will hit you with a car and leave you there. Yeah, this is Hudson County. You got to assume only 54% of people have insurance. Okay? Half these Arabs and these Puerto Ricans and these third world nation Latinos, they got no fucking insurance. They go, they buy a car like at Hudson county park, that's for a month, and they believe it. 30 days, you have insurance. Shit. Like they don't have an insurance. So you gotta drive in Hudson county on the fucking defensive. Geez.

[B]

I know. I. I thought I heard.

[A]

It's like that joke Felipe said. We both had an accident and we looked at each other. I have no insurance. Me neither.

[B]

Yeah, I love that joke. That's so funny.

[A]

Nobody's got insurance, so when you think about that fucking Porsche you want to get in Hudson county, think again. Somebody's going to dent it out of principle. When I lived in Hudson County, I was so angry. If you had a nice car. I just hit it. I just hit it. I just.

[B]

Fucking with your car.

[A]

With my foot. With a brick. Where's North Bergen? You're not supposed to have a nice car. We're all losers here. This motherfucker showing up with a BMW on my block. I'll blast that fucking windshield to pieces.

[B]

I thought, that made me think about the guy, the poor guy who parked his car on your block in la and you just started throwing your trash in it. Because he was there for a couple of days.

[A]

He was there for a month. A month.

[B]

He threw his.

[A]

I'll never forget when he. Because my block was by the parking lot. So People would park on my block for free with, like, Mercedes Benz. You don't do that in my world. You're not going to walk into a Mercedes Benz dealer and then leave for two weeks and park on my fucking street because you want to save the parking. With a Mercedes, I can see if you got, like, a beater Nissan or you're struggling, but these fucking people would put Mercedes fucking Benz on my block. Every one of them got scratched under mysterious conditions. And I knew when they were leaving for Christmas break, some of them would leave for Thanksgiving and they wouldn't move that fucking car till January 12. All the tires were flat. Oh, I bought one of those things. That just takes out the guts. Yeah, it just takes out the gut.

[B]

They sell something that does that.

[A]

Huh?

[B]

They sell something that does that.

[A]

Yeah, right in the thing. It takes out the center so you can fill it up easier. I forget what it's called. You just put it in and go. It's just like the cap that's on it. Okay, I'll take the guts right out the tire flats. Oh, okay. It just flattens. You can't fill that bitch up again. And I'm gonna hit you with four of them. So you ain't got enough fucking tires in the.

[B]

So they can't even tow it. They have to bring them at the

[A]

end of your vacation. You wanna be cheap? I'll teach you what it is to be cheap. When you bought that car, you bought it because you were a pimp, not because you were going to go. Well, if I do this, I can't eat lobster two nights a week? No. Then don't buy the fucking car only.

[B]

But you make up. You set these rules and don't tell anybody.

[A]

You don't have to say, this is something that I know, but they had no idea. If you have a car over $20,000 and you're leaving for three weeks, two and a half weeks, take an Uber, leave it at your house. But you're that cheap to take the fucking Uber to. You want to pay? You want to park on my fucking block and then take the free bus to Burbank? Really not on my watch. Really not on my watch.

[B]

You have, like, your own, like, Neighborhood Watch.

[A]

I do. You have to. We're part of a fucking community. There was a truck that did it, like, the last Christmas I was there. A nice truck. The back had, like, one paper in the back when he parked it. When he came back, he had pounds of cat litter. I didn't even put it in the bag. I just Took it down the stairs with all the 10 cats. That's a lot of shit.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Bah, bah, bah. Anytime I came from a fast food store or a restaurant, the bag went right in the back of his trunk. That was. And I kept thinking, they're gonna go in there and get the paper and get my fingerprints. Yeah, bro, I packed that motherfucker. And then I flattened the tires one by one. I'll never forget. He's out there with his uncle and shit. Luggage everywhere.

[B]

Oh, how. How long did you give him? Like, how long did he have before you fucking started putting stuff in there?

[A]

I gave him like three days, okay? When he wasn't back by December 28, all bets are off. Then if he doesn't come back by January 2nd, that's when we go off.

[B]

There's a new level.

[A]

That's when there's a new level. That's the. The. The four tires go down one a week, every Monday. That's all you hear.

[B]

Oh, my God. I still.

[A]

I.

[B]

Whenever, like, even they do it a lot in la. Like, people have like, not even just a nice car, not like a BMW, but like a. Like a Ferrari. And they'll. They'll parallel park it or put it at like a meter. I would there. I would be so nervous.

[A]

Well, in Beverly Hills, you know, you got no options. They got the parking garage even still, and they're free. But I mean, it's like. I'll tell you what else my pet peeve.

[B]

What's that?

[A]

If I go into it, like here or not, I ain't gonna say where. I went into a restaurant, that's a nice restaurant, and I saw a truck, which I already hate. Save your redneck, you know, take your redneck ass to Virginia or something. He's got a fucking truck with mud all over it. Not even parked in the spot, but parked sideways.

[B]

Oh, that. That does piss me off.

[A]

That goes off. First of all, you're dumping this with your shit. This is a five star restaurant. You're here with a fucking truck with mud on it. Then you have the audacity that. Parked sideways, I took the air out. You just keep. And I told the owner, like two days later I told the owner, he's like, thank God, that fucking idiot. Yeah, somebody's gotta do. You gotta straighten people out. And every time he does it, I'll flatten the tire again. Eventually he'll figure out not to park there no more. I learned that for my stepdad, my stepdad in North Bergen, when he bought that House. We bought that house. That parking spot in front of the house. I don't give a fuck what the paperwork says. That's mine. But listen, I don't know if the property extends there or doesn't. That's mine. And he had that mental thing. When we pull up at three from the bar, if there was a car there, he'd park his car in the garage and he would just sit there by the window smoking. And at one point he'd go out there, put nails in the tires, do that thing, break his window. We did all that shit.

[B]

I'd love to do that two, three nights.

[A]

The people aren't going to park the. You went on giving that terrace. By the time my mother died, nobody parked in that spot. Nobody. And when people would park there like, hi, not there. Not there.

[B]

That spot's haunted.

[A]

I put banana. I used to put potatoes in your tailpipe way before Beverly Hills Cop. That came out in 85. I was pulling that shit in 77, 76. There was a girl on my block who I still talk to once a week. I love her to death. Her mother was having an affair with a dude, a married dude. And we got pissed off. We used to put potatoes in his Lincoln Continental. He'd come down the stairs, put this jacket on like Tony Soprano with the tie loose from getting his dick sucked. And his car wouldn't start for hours.

[B]

Did you ever get caught doing any of this?

[A]

Then my stepdad taught me how to put sugar in your gas tank.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

And that's not good. Sugar and Saran Wrap in a gas tank.

[B]

So what? The. I know the Saran Wrap. It expands so like, you. Feels like, yeah. You have no gas.

[A]

You have no gas.

[B]

What does sugar do?

[A]

Sugar makes it thick. Sugar. Maple syrup. So the whole engine goes. When you get to the. The. The. The. The good thing about the. The. The.

[B]

I'm like, it is about to be tax season.

[A]

The good thing about the Saran Wrap is that's a ball buster because nobody could figure it out. You keep going to service. Service. My car stolen. I'm going to get fucking killed. They take the gas tank, they can't figure it out. They flush the gas tank. Unless that little Saran Wrap don't stick to the top, you're gonna keep bringing that car back every fucking time you go to service. You know what that does to your mind? That makes you go, you know what? I'm not even leaving the house no more. No, That's a mental. But you don't want to do that to Everybody that's a mental. That's at the end when you want them to die. Because then they'll even. Sometimes they'll just stall on the highway and they'll get hit by a truck or something. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

So I love how you sound excited about it. You're like, oh, I hope this happens. I. I can't believe I'm surprised you didn't, like, partner with a. Like a mechanic just to, like, make some money off of with people.

[A]

Doug, you have no idea. And it's great. I hold those little grudges. Like certain things just like, it's not gonna work. And I gotta let you know it's not gonna work.

[B]

I don't think taking the air out of people's tires is a little grudge. Like, that's like some, like the heavy duty.

[A]

If I come up to you, Nick, and I go, hey, man, do me a favor. From now on, don't park there. Don't park that way. You're gonna go, fuck you, old man. You're gonna resist and say something when I flatten your tires and it costs you $28 in the middle of the day, you won't park there again. So why am I getting into an argument with you? You're never gonna put it to your head. You're special. Your mom told you you're special so you could park there. And I agree with you. I have the same problem. But nobody called me out on the spot. I'm calling you out on the fucking spot. You don't wanna give it to me, that's fine. You, old man. I'll kick you.

[B]

Okay, I listen.

[A]

Within a week, you'll be driving to work. What happened? The other guy that was busting my balls at the job when I fucking took the dead mouse and put it in his pocket. Oh, I forgot about that. Never found it. And the next day he reached in for his cigarettes and crashed the car. I don't give a fuck. You shouldn't have busted my balls. It was him and, like, three other guys. I couldn't fight all of them, so I just sent him a clear and present danger message. And they never even looked at me. Wrong.

[B]

As up as it is, everyone dreams about it. Like, imagine if you had spent hours shoveling your car out this last week, and then someone comes and takes it. When you leave, you want to do something to him.

[A]

That's brutal. People putting chairs outside.

[B]

People you know, and some people like those. Some people just take it.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, it's. It's it's brutal. It's brutal. That's why you have to flatten people's tires. Because I'll tell you, if you think changing a flat is bad, that the snow at 6:30 in the morning when it's cold and you're not even awake yet, oh, you're putting the hinge and the car won't stick.

[B]

And dude, I can't imagine taking the free bus from the Burbank Airport back to your old house.

[A]

And I come out with my robe on, drinking coffee, and I wave at you as you're changing the thing, and I give you that look like, what happened? Oh, my God. Hey, did you see anybody?

[B]

No problem.

[A]

You, man.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

I got no time for this. No, more like that. You.

[B]

You should do that. You should, like, put up signs like, this is this neighborhood. Is. Is Joey Diaz, Neighborhood Watch.

[A]

I'm not even gonna say that. I'm not even gonna say that. No, I say the Joey Diaz. I can't say the name, but I could inflict the pain, and it's not Joey Diaz. It's somebody on this fucking block. We got Chinese people on the block you can blame it on. I got a bunch of people on my block you could blame shit on. But I wouldn't do something on my block unless they started fucking with me.

[B]

Right, but the thing is, you have a very different interpretation of what fucking with you is. Fucking with you is like a heat party, and I don't like it. I don't blame you. It's just.

[A]

Listen, man, when you park on my block, and I know you live on the block, you're cool. Yeah. But don't come up here. Park, Take one of our spots, which we all need. Everybody got enough spots for you to save $8 a day because you don't want to put your BMW. There was a BMW. I fucked up on that block. A two door. They never came back because I would walk in the middle of the street with my kiosk.

[B]

Oh,

[A]

they get in the car, they're like, I know what happened. You left it here for too long. This ain't your block.

[B]

Yeah, I got in trouble once on your block, and he was. He was very nice, but I was just coming to pick you up.

[A]

Mexican guy.

[B]

Yeah, I left the lights on in my car.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And he just came out. He's like, hey, man, you're flat. Like, your lights have been on for 20 minutes, shining into my bill, and I never even thought about it. I think that's what it is. I think most people Just don't even think about what they're doing to other people.

[A]

No. Because they're trying to save $4. So fuck me, I'll park here. But now when people go, are you going to Burbank? I'm gonna park. They're gonna go, don't do it. Last time I parked, I had three flat tires and a pound of cat shit in the trunk. Don't do it. Oh, my God, don't do it. I broke windshield. Not windshields, but wipers. That's like the light stuff. That's like the second day you broke the windshield wiper. Oh, all of them. That's part of the. And you just rip them off. Wiring, the whole thing. That's 200 right there.

[B]

Dude, how bad did the cat litter smell after a week? Oh, because I can't even.

[A]

It just turned into Chunk because it rained.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

And he had to take it out like a mason. He had to get back there, bro. That truck never parked there again.

[B]

Oh, that's. Dude, I don't know how you dealt with 11 cats, by the way. I have one cat, and I'm like,

[A]

this is 10 cats in a two bedroom apartment. And we had to fucking switch the piss things ten times a day so it wouldn't stink. And even then it was out of control. Oh, yeah, we were fucking cleaning all day.

[B]

Yeah. Your place didn't really smell, which is crazy.

[A]

Second house fucko started peeing.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Demi started peeing at night. He didn't like that house. Oh, he didn't pee at night. So living room. You sit there and go, who the is pissing?

[B]

Cats are. So you've always said they were interesting. And like a while ago, I was complaining about the cat.

[A]

We're.

[B]

We're cool now. But, like, she does stuff. Like, I've had a dog, and dogs just like to play like this. The cat gets upset if the food bowl is not completely full. If she can see to the bottom of it at all, she gets pissed. If she doesn't have a soft blanket on the couch, she gets pissed, and she'll come whack you. And then the worst part is she'll just sit in the dark and just, like, stare at a wall. You ever wake up at like 5 in the morning and then your cat's just staring at a wall?

[A]

She sits by the doorstep. Not anymore. And she looks out into the hallway. So I read up on it. And they're guarding you.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

And when you sleep, they actually jump on the bed to see if you're breathing. They're protecting their investment.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

They don't fuck around.

[B]

Cats, she makes rounds every night.

[A]

That's what they do. Cause she's like a little security guard. After midnight, they become hunters. So they're looking for anything. They got fucking tremendous eyesight. In the dark, they could be looking for.

[B]

Well, their eyes shake.

[A]

Yeah. And they go that way. You could see a rat or something. After midnight, they change. That's why when you get two or three cats come out there after midnight, after and watch the hum in the living room. They're hunters. And the moon affects them.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah, they're hunters. You gotta read up on this shit. This isn't no fucking okie dokie. This ain't Thriller, bitch. Listen, I'm down with this cat so much now, bro. She knows my sleep habits. So she'll sit on top of the stairs and meow for me to come up because she's too old to jump on the bed. So she asked me to pick her up. So I have to actually pick her up. So today I heard. And I'm like, I'm not tired yet. About 1:15, I go, I'm going up. And I went into the bathroom. She was wide awake. She sits by the heater in the bathroom.

[B]

Oh, they love heaters.

[A]

What are you fucking doing? I mean, she puts her head all the way in the fucking heater. You see her mouth drooling and shit. So I just come in now and go, great. But she was awake, and I could see by her face she wants attention. She's looking at me every time I move. And I go, great. Wanna take a nap with Daddy? And she'll just look at me for like a minute. Great. Come on, let's take a nap with Daddy. As I start going, she's up. It's fucking crazy. She's up. She walks, sits and waits for me to pick her up. I gotta hug her and kiss her for a minute. I put her on the bed. Then she shoots to my side. When I sit down. Before I put the sleep apnea mask on, she always sits right here so I could turn and hug her and scratch her face and scratch it till the nose gets wet.

[B]

Oh, the nose does get wet.

[A]

That's the secret. You got to scratch their face.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Once they lick your fucking boogie their boogie fingers off your finger. Okay, you're good. So I lay down, I put the. I sleep. Sleep apnea. I put the mask on and put the blankets over my head.

[B]

Do you really?

[A]

So the only thing that comes out is a hose? Yeah, I don't even want to see daylight. I got it down to a science, Jack.

[B]

Oh my God.

[A]

And eight minutes later, I could feel she was on my legs. And then I knew something was up with her. And she started crawling up and I heard her right here. And she starts making like faggy meows, like she wants to talk to me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And that means I gotta turn over, hug her and then pick up the blanket.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

She'll go right under, put the blanket down. I turn around, I kind of scratch every couple minutes because her nose goes on my back and I could feel her whiskers tickling. Shit. So I got to push her head back. Grace, stop tickling whiskers. I get up an hour later, she passed out drooling. I leave, go do my errands. I come back upstairs at 6:30 to take a shower. She's still under those fucking blankets. God, I have to fucking pick her up. Great. Go eat.

[B]

She sleeps like all day.

[A]

All day. I go chicken teriyaki. She loses her fucking mind.

[B]

Oh yeah, I get chicken.

[A]

Cut it up, put some fucking Korean red sauce on it that.

[B]

You put the hot sauce on it.

[A]

Sriracha. Oh,

[B]

shit, that's.

[A]

No, I take the chicken and I clean the sriracha.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

But she eat four fucking pieces of chicken, then go, wow, I'm going to bed. And that's it. The chicken puts her the fuck out.

[B]

When are you getting a dog?

[A]

When this one passes away, God forbid.

[B]

Okay. You're going to wait for that. Okay.

[A]

A dog and two other cats. Oh, yeah, yeah. Two siameses when they're young. So everybody grows up together. Wow. Everybody grows up together. So everybody grows up swatting each other, eating cat food, sniffing each other's assholes. You know, it's all confusing for them.

[B]

I have. I. I still don't know how to pet her. I'm still scared of that. Like, I'll let her. I put my hand out and it's like I. I let her rub against me and that's that. That's where we're at.

[A]

Always remember, before you touch a cat, you got to put love in your hand. Okay. Number two. And this is what people don't understand, but this is the cat psychology. That cat ain't sleeping on the bed with you. He's allowing you or she's allowing you.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

To sleep on the bed with them. You know, I went to somebody's house about a month ago and the mother had a cat. And she's like, this cat doesn't talk to anybody. You know, cat came up to me. I gave her a minute. I put love in my hand. I started patting her. The motherfucker jumped and then sat on me. Which makes me nervous because they start clawing you around.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

And you're like, what the fuck? And I just started hugging her and scratching. Her nose started dripping and she's like. People come over all the time. She hides. How come she came out here and says, sit with you? Because I know the psychology of them.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You're not. And you're not. They're not in your house, you're in their house.

[B]

Oh yeah. Because they never leave.

[A]

No. So that switches everything around. When you think about it that way, like any. Anytime you see him, like if I'm in the bathroom and she won't move. And I'm like, great, get the fuck out of the way. I'm trying to brush my fucking teeth. And she won't move. You gotta like push him. Like. Yeah, like, get over. So it's a different psychology. Once you understand all that shit about the cat and the females are different than the boys. Yeah. And it's a world with tone.

[B]

We have a girl.

[A]

The same thing exists with an. With dogs or if you got a penguin or whatever.

[B]

I don't know. But dogs are just. Dogs are dumb, I feel like.

[A]

But.

[B]

But like in a great way. They like the dogs I had, they just want. They just want to, you know, rub them and play with them and like, they're just.

[A]

You got like a neighborhood Jew dog you didn't spend no money on.

[B]

Oh no, we spend money. I'm talking crazy to get a dog now.

[A]

Yeah, no, it's. I already looked at the German ship.

[B]

How much do they want?

[A]

A lot. Yeah, a lot. Because then you got to get the good papers, you know, you got a German shepherd, you don't want like a faggy German. You want a fucking nick, you want a Hitler, you want Hitler's, you know, you got a German shepherd, you want Hitler. And if I get a girl, I'm not spading her. That means don't walk in that fucking house.

[B]

What are you going to do with her?

[A]

You put papers on the floor when she gets a period.

[B]

Stop. Why?

[A]

Because they get fucked. It's a different type of animal. I'm old. I need somebody to bite your fucking face off, you know? Yeah. You don't spay the female German shepherd. And they become really possessive. Like, my mom had one, that motherfucker. You couldn't get 10ft around her purse.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

When I was A kid. You couldn't get around her purse. You didn't even have to go buy a purse. You just didn't even know her purse was there. And you sat down, she started growling at you.

[B]

Is it just gonna be Mercy's dog? You're gonna give it to Mercy so it like, protects her?

[A]

Bro, kids always want a dog until they get there. Then nobody wants walk them. Nobody wants to clean their ass. It's too cold. It's too dark. That's my dog.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

You know again, when parents. I'm gonna get a dog. No, she's not. No, she's not. That little bitch only knows how to feed it and how to sleep with it and take pictures and put in that stupid little fucking person is. They know nothing else about a fucking dog. So you're stuck with this dog.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So when you get a dog, at least you know who the fucking. Who's gonna be put with the strain. It's gonna be me to has to Walker. The first six months she has to shit in the garage. Who do you think's gonna pick it up?

[B]

Are you gonna pick up the poop?

[A]

Yeah, it's my fucking dog. I just can't leave it there to grow flies. Oh, no, you gotta pick up the poop. No. I'm gonna call some Mexican people to come over and sanitate my house before ice gets.

[B]

Did you see New York? That's what was coming up when the Snow melted. What, 800. 800 shits. Because no one picks it up. They would just let the dog shit and then the snow melted. It was like San Francisco.

[A]

But again, listen. Much of a fucking redneck, are you? You're gonna buy a great date and put them in an apartment in New York just to be cool?

[B]

Oh, yeah, big dog.

[A]

And they're all over there. It's all over New York. You go to New York, it's the ugly the dog to see who gets the most attention. They don't even know nothing about the dog when they purchase them. They just looking for the attention.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, there was a thing attention.

[B]

Did you ever watch Game of Thrones?

[A]

No.

[B]

There was a thing when Game of Thrones was out there because they all like. In the show, each kid had one of the, like, the wolf dogs. So like a few years later in la, there were hundreds of like at the. At the shelters because everyone, because of Game of Thrones got the wolf dogs. And they didn't realize that there was like a. Like, it's not like a. A shih Tzu. It's a real wolf.

[A]

A wolf, yeah. People give him back.

[B]

Yeah, that's it.

[A]

That's what happens. People give them fucking back.

[B]

I can't imagine.

[A]

They change. You imagine that with a life like when L. A. When the pandemic came, people were finding dogs on poles everywhere. I just. To walk away from your fucking dog like that, it's just. It's just. That's animalistic.

[B]

People are awful.

[A]

But people get a dog for a fucking quick minute until the dog shits two times, they pick up both shits, and then they go, you know what? I didn't see that in the program. I didn't think about that. I thought a blue bird was gonna just come down and pick up the shit and they'll drop them the fuck off. And it's so sad. Yeah, it's so fucking sad that that's the word is shallow. Like you're that fucking shallow. And then they lie to what happened to the dog. Oh, my God. We gave them back to my mother because she needed him. She got cancer. No, you didn't. No, you didn't. You put them at some fucking dump in Culver City. You know, it's just. And these are the people that you see that's supposed to have class. These are the people you see with their fucking $2,000 purses, you know? And that's how they act. So who.

[B]

You know, it's terrible.

[A]

At the end of the week, who gives a fuck? You look at those. I'm telling guys. I'm giving the advice. When I was your guys, ages, I half gave a fuck, and I didn't feel good about it. Now I don't give a fuck. And it feels just fine because this is how you should be thinking if you walk around all day. Well, the whales. Listen. Nobody. It's like for the last two days, on every sports, every news channel, what's the first thing they say? Oh, yeah, Iran bombed. Whatever. My heart goes out to the three heroes. Nobody gives a fuck about those three heroes. Nobody gives a fuck about those three heroes. Why are you saying that? Nobody even knows who they are. Just a couple fucking white people from Indiana would go, that's a shame. You know, they don't know what those fucking soldiers are. No, everybody makes believe like they care. And that's why you got to take it back to Chaz Palminteri. Nobody cares. And when you get that in your fucking head in life, that nobody gives a fuck, they all give a fuck when you're having cocktails and drinks, but at the end of the Day they don't. They're so involved in their lives now. Especially with the Internet and appearances and what's important. You got to have a car. If you're a man, you gotta have a watch. You gotta have 80,000. Who said this? Who says this type of shit?

[B]

Speaking of that. And I don't know what's happening. Have you seen Jim Carrey?

[A]

No, I don't give a. About that, dude. Who gives a body double or something?

[B]

I don't. I don't think it's a body double. But his face, Doug.

[A]

These people around with that, they do all that on their face. Listen, I'm 63.

[B]

Breaks my heart.

[A]

I shoot peptides in my knee, okay? I shoot peptides in my arm for recovery before the surgery and all this. But where do you think I'm going to take a needle and stick it in my eyeball? Listen, I don't look too good as it is. I'm going to go messing with this half of them. When you see them, you're like, what the fuck happened to her eyes?

[B]

Yeah, all of them.

[A]

But if you notice it's. And even though you know it don't look good, they still go do it because they got to be a part of something.

[B]

Did anyone ever try to get you to do plastic surgery?

[A]

All the time. Are you crazy?

[B]

I know you wouldn't do it, but no one, no doctor ever was like, we could lift this and tuck that and liposuction.

[A]

No, no.

[B]

Wow, I'm surprised.

[A]

What makes you think I would go? You know what?

[B]

I'm not saying you would do it.

[A]

I want to stay young. Listen, I looked 50 when I was 21, okay? I looked 50 when I was 21. Like most of the kids around here. Yeah, we looked old when we were kids. So for me to go in there and I wanna save a few years on my comedy career, I'm gonna slice this. As soon as I hit the stage, Joey's gonna look like a goofball. You just lost all your credibility, the whole thing. And you don't look better. You look like a fucking Martian. You look like Lionel Richie. You know, And I'm not saying nothing bad about him. I'm a fan of Lionel Richie's. Even the girl I love, the girl who was married to the scientologist Tom Cruise. The blonde that's on that show with the

[B]

Nicole Kidman.

[A]

Nicole Kidman. When was Jenna Elfman married to Tom Cruise?

[B]

I don't even know Jenna Elfman.

[A]

Oh, my God. So.

[B]

It looks like you're doing Something when, you know when like a therapist makes you count to 10 so you don't have like a, like an anger out first.

[A]

What is a fucking 3D podcast? This is two people talking. There's no fifth fucking wall. He's been doing this for two weeks. Like, getting in the conversation. Like, no, there's no microphone on you. So it sounds like for the 80th time, it sounds like you're just blurbing some and the people are at home going, what the fuck is going on? You follow me, dog? I don't hear you. Fucking Jenna Elfman is what I got to live with. Hey, Uncle Joey, here for starters, this episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Listen, International Woman's Day is this march. Do something nice for the women in your life and go to therapy. Maybe therapy is a great way to work on yourself so you could be a better husband, boyfriend, friend, or just less of a creep. You know what I'm saying? Anyway, listen, a couple years ago I had some problems. BetterHelp helped me through it. They gave me some exercises to perform and today my anxiety is gone. BetterHelp therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the United States. Just answer a few questions to start. BetterHelp will match you with someone who works for you. And if you're not happy with your match, switch to a different therapist at any time. With over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is one of the world's largest online therapy platforms. Your emotional well being matters. So find support and feel lighter in therapy. Sign up now and get 10% [e-mail] Diaz that's betterhelp.com Diaz betterhelp h-e l p.com Diaz Take a chance. Columbus did. You're going to love BetterHelp. Hey, Uncle Joey here, Do me a favor. Stop eating junk food that makes you feel like crap. Grab some masa chips. Masa chips taste amazing with only three ingredients. Corn, sea salt and 100% grass fed beef tallow. That's it, Jack. Because masa chips are made with real ingredients, you'll feel fuller, longer and won't snack all day. Masa chips come in six flavors like blue corn, lime churro. Me, I'm a blue corn type of dude. I love it. I put in some nice salsa at night with my feet are up like a doctor. So once you try Masa, check out their sister company Vandy Crisp and pick up some three ingredient potato chips. Also ready to give Masa a try? I did masachips.com Joey Again, that's masachips.com Joey J O E Y. Use code Joey and get 25% off your first order. You can also click the link in the video description or scan the QR code to claim this delicious offer. Don't feel like ordering online? That's fine. Masa is now available nationwide at your local Sprouts supermarket. Enjoy and try the blue corn. You're going to be happy you did.

[B]

So what did Nicole Kidman do?

[A]

She did surgery.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

So her eyes look kind of like, creeped up.

[B]

Oh, it's. I can't imagine. Jim Carrey was like my idol growing up.

[A]

Because you're an idiot.

[B]

Jim Carrey. That's also true.

[A]

He was good.

[B]

The mask.

[A]

Liar. Lie. Then that's it. I was done after that. The one movie he made with the kid where he was a creepy guy, the delivery man or whatever. No, that's it. It just got old. It was like. I don't know. I met him at the Comedy Store and I did work for him and I didn't know. They forget. They forget. They forget that they were one of Mitzi Shaw's children and they forget that you got to be respectful to people and especially your proper Marines. They're Marines. We all did the same type of time together. So those people forget and that's why they're days off. But look at Roseanne Barr. She's turning into Mitzi Shaw. Sounds like her, looks like her, acts like her. It's fucking insane. Wow.

[B]

I haven't seen her in a minute.

[A]

She's old. Yeah, she's older than I am, but she's become Mitzi Shaw. Yeah.

[B]

Jesus. But that. Her story is crazy. Just how, like, how, how she blew up. Why do you think there is no Mitzi Shore now? Like, why do you think no, like, no club has a Mitzi Shore anymore?

[A]

Because they're all faggots dressed up like cowboys. That's why. Because somebody wants to be an assistant manager for three years, then they get become manager because the manager got fired and now they're fucking authorities. And then you got to go in there and go, that's great, but let me show you how it's done. Because they forget. They think they have three years in the club. You got 30 years on stage, 20 years on stage, even 15 years on stage, even 10 years on stage. I know a little bit more than you do. So you're coming in here disrespecting me. It's like when we go to clubs and there's a 20 minute video in the front.

[B]

Every comic makes fun of it, but I love that you go like, we're not playing that anymore.

[A]

Because the next day, I went home and told my agent Mental thought, if we play there or there's two clubs, no more fucking video up front. Or we're not doing it. No more video up front. You know what? I'll go up there and promote next week. That's all you should be promoting anyway. But for me to sit here for 15 minutes and tell you who's coming in fucking June right now, you already got two drinks in you and you had dinner in you, you're not going to remember this. So why are we doing this? May 14th, Pete Patel will be here. May 19th, Ralphie may be. Hold on, let me take my fucking feather out. Yeah, and write down these dates. So, no, I'm not doing that no more. I'm not doing that to the fucking people that don't need the information.

[B]

That's awesome.

[A]

You put the things in the front on the thing. And it's so. It's like when Theo shot the special. When I went over there, as soon as I walked in, I was, like, fucking furious. Because I'm like, these people have no idea. No idea. I'm whatever. I'm there to work, right? I drive an hour up here. I pull up, there's a parking spot. I park in it, walk in that fucking door, and I'm not even in the fucking door. And all three. You're on me. Hey, the podcast needs to be done at 6. Fatty called. We need a video. We gotta be here by seven. We got. No, let me come in, let me pee, let me grab a soda, say hello to you. How's everybody doing? And then hit me with it. That's part of that whole job.

[B]

And they have no idea.

[A]

Bro. I wasn't even. I was on the street and I had five people already. You're gonna go upstairs? And I'm like, really? So they. So in those situations, you're the talent. You gotta go. This ain't gonna work. And they'll come back. Oh, well, it ain't gonna work. We're not doing this tonight. Once you go to take money out of their pocket, then they'll listen, it's all over. You're not anything. They say they're not gonna cancel the show. So now you got them over a barrel. You wanna do it your way? You go out there and be the thing. Give me the fucking jacket. No, no, no, no, no. Five grand. More grand. Nah. Okay. Yeah. Because you open Your mouth. Who the fuck are you? You're a theater manager. You're a club manager. You know nothing about what we do. You have an idea and I appreciate you. I have an idea what Georgie does with frames. I have an idea. I don't know what the fuck he does. I don't know what the fuck he does. I can't go into his place and go, use this. I wouldn't do that. You just wouldn't do that shit. But that's the problem with. And they do it to all of us at every level. No matter what level you're at, as you're young, you're like, why are they doing this when you're a young comedian? I guess I got to listen to this shit.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know what time is the sound check? What are we, Led Zeppelin? Me, me, me. We could do that when we get there at 7:45. Yeah. Everything is more work, like to be professional. I don't want to be that professional. This is a show. It's just a show. We do these every fucking night.

[B]

It used to freak me out when. When I first started. And like the Ice House would start at 8. You'd be like. It'd be at my house at 7:20. We'd get fucked up and get there like. You'd Pull in at 8:02.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't.

[A]

How many times have you got there? And they come in the back and go, we're gonna hold the show for 20 minutes every time. So then what are we doing? What are we doing? What the fuck are you doing? We're doing the same shit over and over again. If I walk in at a quarter fucking eight, it's gonna be fine. Because all your rush, we. I'm in the building, the casinos. We need you at seven. Not a chance. Not a chance. Like this thing I did Saturday wanted you there at 4.

[B]

What time did it start?

[A]

8.

[B]

What time did you get there?

[A]

6.

[B]

That's earlier than I would have expected that.

[A]

That's fine for two hours, you're going to know that's just going to get me hot. I'm going to get anxiety, I'm going to start walking around. I brought a joint with me, you know, but no, I'm not doing that. That's a waste of anybody. I wouldn't ask that from anybody. Four hours. It's eight minutes. That takes 10 minutes to write down. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Why are we there for four hours? Because you want to.

[B]

It's a power trip.

[A]

Because we need to. You want this? You can Feel better about your girl. I got him here four hours. No, you didn't. I'll tell you. I'll be there at 4. Good luck. And he called me one time to ask me, call me, where are you? I'm not gonna. It's like the people in Philly would always call me on the drive. You're not getting here at 5 to meet everybody. Yeah, yeah. Away from me. It's 7:30 and they're still calling.

[B]

Feel like you add 10 minutes for every call.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You just slow down.

[A]

No, I take a U turn. It's crazy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, there's a good story about Kevin Fitzgerald. And again, this is the other reason why I didn't stick to rules. Kevin Fitzgerald was a bodyguard to Bill Hicks. No, sorry. Bill Hicks worked at Denver Comedy Works and he brought a bodyguard. And the bodyguard went up to Kevin Fitzgerald before the second show and he goes, Mr. Hicks doesn't want you to do any of that marijuana material because he covers it. And he didn't say a word. Kevin Fitzgerald, he thought about it and he goes, fuck him. Fuck him. I'm doing it. He went up there, he did the joke. When he got off stage, Bill Hooks came up to him and said, you're my new opener on the road. Whoa. I wanted to see if you were going to play along to the rules.

[B]

Damn. And I would have definitely not done the joke.

[A]

You're atomic. This is America. When am I going to tell you not to fucking?

[B]

Oh, so many people would. Did they say it though?

[A]

They're pussies. A lot. Everybody's a pussy as a headline. They're all pussies. Oh, you can't do this. Then don't consider yourself a headline. Save it for somebody else that doesn't mind the challenge, you know, then don't do it. But if you're going to get grabbed. I didn't like when you said mother because I do a bit about my grandmother. Go fuck yourself. You and your grandmother could go both. Go fuck yourself. Give a about your grandmother.

[B]

That's. That's because I. I don't know, I think when did you have that mentality the whole time or. Took a few years.

[A]

I started getting it when I moved to LA because I. Now I got something to talk about right now. I got a leg to stand on. I'm at the fucking comedy street. You'll tell me. You're going to tell me. Yeah, I'm in there with 60 years of experience before me. They tutor you every fucking night. But you're going to Tell me something different. It's not going to work.

[B]

I love it.

[A]

Look, I had a big time showcase at the South Bend, Indiana Funny bomb. It was Mishawaka. A lot of people don't even know what Mishawaka is. We know what a dream is. Mishawaka is a community there. It's outside Michigan. Indiana border. Yeah. Cause what is it? What did I just say? Yeah, and I did. I booked a showcase there and I got there and I walk in and it's a headliner I hated all my life. And I knew he's gonna come up to me with his bullshit. You know, we don't do this. I sell books after the show, so don't say the word book. I went out there and fucking destroyed

[B]

30 minutes on books.

[A]

Didn't even give a fuck. I got off the stage like, man, you'll never work with me again. I don't give a fuck. This is just a guess that you think I'm. Somewhere in my itinerary it says, I can't wait to play the funny bone. Notre Dame. What do I give a fuck about Notre Dame? I got a ged. What do I give a fuck about Notre Dame? Get the fuck out of here. I'm going to listen to what the. What? Comedians. You became a comedian because you couldn't handle a day job. You became a comedian because you didn't like people looking over your shoulder. And you became a comedian so number one, nobody could tell you what the fuck to do. That's a very tough thing. It's like opening up your own business. You didn't open up an own business because you're going to make all this money. Some people open up business, they don't want people looking over their shoulder. They don't like people asking them where the fuck they're going. Some people love that shit. I'll be here at 8 with donuts. I don't know, maybe 9:30, maybe 10. Let's see what happens. I wake up. That's it. And if you have. Not that you're gonna do that every day. You're gonna show up at 8job. But you know what I mean? People just put this in because they got nothing in their lives. And that's all they have to focus on. And you feel bad for them. Well, I'm here. I'm here 15 hours a day, nine days a week. You got a girlfriend. You ain't got a cat. You're not gonna get a girlfriend. You're half mute. You look like a Martian.

[B]

You know, I had a few of those in L. A.

[A]

That this is their life. And. And they don't. They're so miserable. That's why they yell at work. And you're like, what do I need this for? So you open up your own business, whether it's carpentry, you take a bump for two years just so you can work for yourself and earn yourself. And at one point, if you try to please everybody, you're not going to please them.

[B]

That's crazy.

[A]

You give me a joe, come over, paint that wall. I come over, I paint the wall. But you know what, Joe? It's the edge, the molding. I'm gonna do that on the house. And I do it. And the people come back and they don't say thank you, or, you missed a spot. So I might as well be a scumbag. Yeah, look at those Jews I was showing you before the IEA Jews.

[B]

You know, there's an AI rabbi that you love so much.

[A]

Fucking. The guy drops knowledge all day. One knowledge that's important. Like, people need to see this shit.

[B]

Oh, my God. If I have to find his name so people can go find him. Because it's the funniest guy talks about right now.

[A]

Americans are watching a war with Iran. Tuli Dooley. You're sitting there with anxiety. Meanwhile, I'm investing in this. That, this, that.

[B]

The rabbi's blueprint. It's a rabbi. Every time you see him, he's in front of a different, like, vacation house. I don't know, whoever's creating it, it's the same rabbi, but he's, like, giving. Like, it's. I have to be honest. I feel like you're the one who's writing this stuff for him.

[A]

We both talk the same language. No bullshit, no nonsense. I don't want to hear your shit. Get to it. Shit or get off the fucking pot. That's it. We ain't got time for this. You ain't got time for bleed.

[B]

No.

[A]

If I didn't do things because of how bad I felt, I wouldn't do anything. My knee is in pain, my throat hurts. Today I was around 20,000 people two nights in a row. Friday night, I go to a kids party.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Tremendous.

[B]

What happened?

[A]

I took some edibles. I brought my whistle. They didn't know what the.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

You.

[B]

I forgot about that whistle. You were just blowing the whistle at kids. Yeah.

[A]

Every time there was some old people, and every time I hit the whistle, the whole table would jump. I was like, this is fucking tremendous.

[B]

Oh, my God. What kind of kids party.

[A]

13 year old girls. 12 girls are the thing. And then her parents, my wife, their mom and another, we went to the fucking thing.

[B]

What would happen if you went to that sober? How long would you last sober at a birthday party?

[A]

Two minutes. Two minutes. I went in there stoned to the gills. I hadn't taken that because of the snow and shit. I took like fucking 800 milligrams. I found one of those last gummies and I took two of those caramel things and I took a codeine pill for my knee. So it all hit at the same time, you know what I'm saying? I didn't drink, though. I didn't drink. I just did bong hits like a motherfucker. And I just giggled. The food was okay, you know, I just giggled. It was nice to just be out of the house, watch the girls, they were all fucking talking shit. And then I went out for a little while and then I met them later on and there was more food and fucking Nutella. Pizza with strawberries and bananas and shit. I'm like, I'm not eating that stuff. No, I'm not a big Nutella guy.

[B]

Me either, to be honest with you. It's fine.

[A]

But they also have Nutella. Not gnocchi, dumplings, Nutella, something else. And they're not bad. I could eat one of them, but I can't eat, you know. Yeah, it's a lot of chocolate. But it was good. It was good. And then Saturday I had that thing.

[B]

How was it?

[A]

It was tremendous, bro. It was really nice to be a part of something. Like, I feel bad because everybody talks about Austin, everybody talks about la, everybody talks about the New York comedy scene. There was a nice little comedy scene in Jersey, and now we gotta figure out how to capitalize on it through the dojo and maybe through the stress factory or something. Because it's just a nice little comedy family in Jersey. Nobody's fronting, nobody's acting like they're Johnny Goombats, you know, whatever.

[B]

So you did the Roast of New Jersey?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And did you? It was like a Netflix roast where everyone roasted each other. And like, you just roasted New Jersey.

[A]

I didn't know half the people there, so I didn't roast them all. I didn't have time to roast people. I'm not a roaster. I said something about Rich boss being a real Jew.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I talked about.

[B]

That's a nice thing.

[A]

You know, everybody's picking on Natalie Cuomo and I know her, and she's such a fucking sweetheart. I didn't want to say anything to her. And then when I saw her, I'm like, I definitely can't do the joke because she's just such a sweetheart to me all the time. I really like Natalie Cuomo and the joke. Two people went up there and said, she got stinky pussy, and when she drives in Jersey, the smell is her pussy. And I went up. Then I'm like, listen, Natalie, I don't wanna. I could be your dad. So it's embarrassing for me, but I shouldn't say your pussy's stinky. You got all those tattoos. It's more inky. It's like fucking that ink squid marinara.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

So you got good pussy. Well, I'm concerned, but I'm not gonna say nothing. And I felt bad when I said pussy in front of her face. Looked at me like, no, Joey. Oh. So I just stopped there and I just. It was a roast of New Jersey. So what they wanted me to do was to go up there first from a perspective of being gone for 35 years, right? What's happened?

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And then go, but you jerseys. This is why I love Jersey.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

So for me, I could do that on my back.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, you do love Jersey. I just did a couple North Bergen things about the teachers and, you know.

[B]

And. Did anyone make fun of you?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Did it hurt your feelings? Like, that's.

[A]

I.

[B]

People ask me to do roast, and I'm like, I'll fucking get real upset.

[A]

Listen, it's a roast, okay? Some people said something about me kidnapping somebody, that I got more skin, I need more bone. I got too much skin for my body. You know, shit like that. But nobody. You know, there's a line of the roast. You know, the only roast I didn't like, and I hated the guy after that. I saw him one night was the guy who tormented Ralphie May that night.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

About his kids and his wife. That's a different thing. That's when the microphone just hits you in the fucking minute, you know? And that's why I never got involved in roast. I don't want to judge them.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't want to do nothing because I'm not cut from that style. I know you 30 years. You want to fuck with me? Bring it. You're not lying, right? But if you don't know me, this motherfucker saying shit about kidnapping. I don't know you. I don't know you. I don't know some guy named Gags. I don't know any of this shit.

[B]

Oh, I would have loved to see you throw a microphone at someone's head.

[A]

No, but the funny thing was, even with the hearing aids, I couldn't hear nobody. I was just sitting there smiling and shit, like, waving. Then I started, you know, I was sitting there for a long time. I must have popped two edibles while I was sitting on the couch. I popped two of those 100 milligram caramels.

[B]

Oh, my God. Dude. Did you ever see Jamie Foxx fucking with that guy in that roast? Yes, that's one of my favorite videos.

[A]

I know that guy really well.

[B]

Oh, no. Is he okay?

[A]

That guy sold the show that he put me on. He was a very nice guy. I'm gonna tell you what happened, okay? Before you even say anything, go for it. He's a sweetheart, Doug.

[B]

Okay, Doug.

[A]

Doug's a sweetheart. I just saw that about a month ago. It popped up on my YouTube. I was like, holy shit, I forgot about this. I always told you, there's places where you belong and there's places where you don't belong. You just have to be smart enough. Even if I come to you and go, no, no, no, Lee, come, come, come, they're going to love you. You're going to go, joey, I don't belong there. I just don't jizz with those guys. There's no Shaq. It's a bunch of black dudes that are on. And he sold the show. Nobody knows him as a comic, right? You follow him saying to you. So he was. And that was. I was with that agent years ago, Jim Callum. Good agent, good guy. But he gave him bad advice that day. He told him to show up,

[B]

he got married, and he did a couple jokes that didn't work. And then Jamie Foxx just started talking into the mic. He's like, I'm really up right now. Yeah, I should just leave now.

[A]

I should.

[B]

I wish Jamie would have me on his movies.

[A]

Yeah. He was fucking leveling into him, and I felt bad. It ruined his career.

[B]

Did it really?

[A]

I think so. I think the wife left him.

[B]

Oh, no, that's. Dude, getting bombing so bad that your wife leaves you is brutal.

[A]

Well, where do you go from there? Look at his shirt. Look at the shirt he had on. Compared to everybody else there, just the shirt alone. Tell you, I don't remember.

[B]

What kind of shirt did he have?

[A]

Just like a season robot.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

You got Emmett Smith. You got Jamie Foxx. You got the black chick. You got all these people that are working theater comics at the time. You don't belong there. That he's on a ship now. I know. I seen him on a cruise with somebody. Okay, good guy, good guy. But just those things where somebody says, hey, let's go to this HBO party. And you're like, you know, I got $4 in my bank account. You could fake the funk like Jackie Gleason. I could put a five in my pocket and go in there with new shoes like a Puerto Rican and a suit on with sparkling teeth. But you are what you are, and they're gonna recognize you. Ooh, what's he doing here? He doesn't belong here. But that's an After Hollywood parties. If you started calling people like, why are you here? I worked on the movie for 13 days. I didn't see you one time. Well, I'm friends with the Castro. I came to support them. No, you didn't come to support them. You came to see what you could get. There's nothing here. These are all people that work. You don't. You don't belong here. It's very tough to digest that. And I did we think Rogan didn't invite me to NBC things all the time. I don't need to be there. Don't need to be there. Nobody's gonna talk to me. Nobody's gonna wanna see me in my fucking. In a comedian's perverted mind. Yeah. I'm gonna go in there and cut a deal. No, you're not. No, you're not. Look at your shoes. Look at your fucking sneakers. Who's gonna cut a deal with you? You got dirt all over him. You got shoes and you forgot to polish them. Why are you even here? They look at all that shit. That's all that scene is if you're a black guy, if you don't have dreads in LA now one sticking sideways, they're not gonna talk to you.

[B]

But, dude, that's the fucked up thing, is I think the opposite. Anytime anyone invites me anywhere, I'm like, they don't want me there. Like, I shouldn't be there.

[A]

There's places where you do belong. There's a. There's a Christmas party at the stand. I do spots at the stand that I don't. Right. But I'm there twice a week. That's my party, right? Yeah. Other comics are going to come in. Yeah. Okay. And again, you look at them like, fuck, give it a breather.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Let them miss you. Let them miss you. Let them have a reaction to you. You're not even letting them do that. And that's why I stayed out of all that shit ever. Even after the fact. Lee, tell him. I stayed out of all that shit. All of it. I don't. I don't belong there. I did the music thing where you jump with the band.

[B]

Oh, yeah. The goddamn comedy. And they had to beg. They had to ask you for a while.

[A]

Oh, for like a year and a half until I said, I'm doing it, but on my terms. I'm doing my soul.

[B]

That was great. That was. That was a fun night.

[A]

Because if not, dog, I went to the last party. I went. I took my wife. It was a Showtime party for that comedy thing with Jim Carrey.

[B]

Dying up here.

[A]

Dying up here. It was a Monday night. I get there, the place is a fucking dump. It's upstairs. All this foo foo shit. They got fruit and cocktails that my daughter made them. They're that fucking weak. And I'm surrounded with 80 people that I didn't even. I haven't seen in years. They just get dressed up and come out for these things. And I looked at my. I was there for, like, 10 minutes. I go, tyree, time to get the fuck out of here. We ended up going to Rales for dinner.

[B]

The new rails out there.

[A]

Yeah. But it was like, what are we doing at these things? We're too old. We're too old. And look at this. It's just people talking that have no right to be here. No reason, no leverage, no writing anything. Yeah, but you're going to go meet people, but then it's going to bottom out because you ain't got nothing. So when they call you into the meeting the next day, what are you going to tell them? I got a story. Yeah. North Bergen. I grew up. They don't want to hear that shit, Doug, unless you know how to make money to it. Add money to that. That's all they want to hear. So. All that shit.

[B]

But even then, like, I bet they don't want the money. Like, especially, like, if. If you're there. Maybe if I go to a party and I see Quentin Tarantino and I have a movie. Like, he doesn't want to hear my movie idea.

[A]

No, not at a party when he's coked up. Unless you give him a line of coke and then he'll. Yeah, I love that idea. Call my receptionist in the morning. That. That's an Academy Award winner. The next night, you call his receptionist, they're never going to call you back. No, he lost respect for you. He realized who you were in the morning. Just a dirty coke fiend like him. That's. That's. Trust me. The only way they'll talk to you is while you. Oh, that's a great idea. I could get James Colbert. I could get Brad Pitt for that. I'll get. And you're there giving him coke all night. Fuck it, call the dealers. I'm going to be a millionaire in three days. Keep giving Leonardo coke, whatever his fucking name is. Call them in two days once the powder runs out. Oh, you think they're going to call you back? Unless they're in a pitch. They'll call you because it happened to me. They'll call you some night. Like at 12 out of 6 months you've been calling. Hey, how you doing, man? Where you been? I've been busy shooting a movie. Hey, can you talk to that guy for me?

[B]

But then you're just a code guy to him.

[A]

Yeah, he's just a code guy.

[B]

That sucks.

[A]

So these are all the things you gotta watch that you don't know until you find out, until you get involved with it. When you go to those parties, people watch you. They're dying for you to do a line of coke. I went to a party where everybody knew the guy was an alcoholic, okay? And he was drinking. Everybody was waiting for him to lose his mind because he's that much of a fucking drunk. I remember people coming up to me, we're going to stay here till he cracks. And sure enough, I left. I left when the eye was fucking. He was looking at people like gonna attack them. Fuck you. I don't need that shit. I don't. I never wanted to be. I didn't get into comedy to try to be a high society guy. Like to go to a party and walk around with a martini and. So what do you do? My name is Chris Tyler. Oh, my God, what a beautiful name.

[B]

But now I. And it doesn't sound like this was that kind of party, but how does it feel now to be like at like the. The Roast of New Jersey? Like on the fucking.

[A]

I gotta be honest with you, there was no. I mean, listen, some of those women were a little on the. You know, we only shop at Dongwidos in Beverly Hills, but everybody else there was pretty much Czech. I mean, there's a new thing in New Jersey where you have to be built. Tattoos and jewelry and a nice watch. All these guys look the same. They're ugly as fuck. Go on Facebook every weekend. You see where that girl parties? She just followed me again, that poor bastard. She's 63, my age, and she drinks. Lori, whatever you gotta see the guy she hangs out with. I wouldn't take these guys to a fucking funeral. They got no gang. And it's awful. Awful. With giant shirts on at a club. Come on, it's Friday night, dog. A Yankee hat on with champion. Get up. Come on. That's for fucking baseball games. This is a club. You're trying to get a piece of pussy and you're walking in with a Yankee hat. Yeah, look at me. Okay, the bottom line is the bottom line.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

When you go to a club on a Friday night, women don't want to hear about the Yankees. They want to hear about how you're going to suck their pussy differently than anybody else stuck their. Look at. I know any of these guys are going to suck your pussy and you're going to come, but I'm going to make you see Martians, you know what I'm saying? I'm gonna lick you. My tongue spins this way. That's all they want to know. I got a ten foot dick and if you break it, another one comes out like a shark's tooth. You know what I'm saying? So don't worry about it. That's what they want to hear. They don't want to hear about real estate. I can't wait to get box seasons at the Yankees. Yeah, this year the pitching is going to be good. It's Friday night. Either you're going to suck my twat, give me a coke, rock, a fucking hit of metal ecstasy or whatever they do to jump up and down. Okay, go home.

[B]

Leave me alone.

[A]

Yeah, leave me alone. Oh, and we're from another cut. Like I'm old school, right? I'm not going to give you that little.

[B]

Just give them.

[A]

Dude, I would love night. It's Friday night, I got an eight ball, that little mini skirt. I'll shove my tongue right up your asshole. And give them a minute. And give them a minute. They got to think about the shock. Like nobody's ever gone up to them like that. No, everybody else is talking about oh my God, I can't wait to have headshots are going to be so be. Listen your headshot. I'm going to stick my tongue so far up your ass your glasses are going to melt. Either they smack you in the face, finish their drink and grab you by the hand and go. It's time to go. And you'll see all those other guys you box seats for the Knicks.

[B]

Yeah, muscles, it's time to go. Do you ever get a drink thrown in your face?

[A]

The 19th of October on the street. October of 81.

[B]

Why? What happened?

[A]

Some girl was drinking. I was friends with her. We had, you know, swapped spit a few years before, and we had, like, this aggravating fucking friendship. Like, it was just. Like. It was just not a good relationship. I liked him. We ended up hooking up years later. And now she don't talk to me. Since 1985, she has. She has not spoken to me at all, dog. Her daughter reached out to me in 2018 for rogan tickets.

[B]

Oh, of course.

[A]

And I was like, oh. She's like, you remember my mom.

[B]

You're like, I do. They'll have tickets for you. And then there's no tickets for her.

[A]

She was drinking vodka with iced tea in it.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

And we were on the streets. It was starting to get cold. She had on a North Bergen cheerleading jacket on or something. I was by Nick's, and she crossed the street with her girlfriend and was all a little under the. You know, she was drinking. I hadn't done anything. And she came up to me saying something. I'm like, what are you talking about? Something weird. And she had something on her jacket. I go, what the fuck is that? And she looked at me. She goes, this is my new jacket. She just threw the booze at me. Oh. And then her and her girlfriends crossed the street, but she didn't see that she left a container of iced tea. Remember the containers? They were a little. There was no fucking glass. There were containers.

[B]

Oh, cardboard ones. Cardboard ones, okay.

[A]

She left some on the floor.

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

So I took that up, and she hit a vodka bite. They were across the street now from Nick's Pizzeria, where there was a barber there. They were drinking over there. And she had her back to Kennedy Boulevard, and I went behind her with that fucking iced tea with my little burglar feet, and I just dumped it over her head. And she's like, fuck you. Fuck you. I'm like, hey, man, you hit me fucking first. All right, bitch.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I never want to talk to you again.

[B]

And then you looked up a few

[A]

years later, nine months later, she was in the sack with me. That's like James Bond shit, only Joey Diaz. Nah. But that never happened again. We had something, right? But she was always, like, trying to, you know, listen, just let me make out with you and grab your tit. It wasn't anything. We weren't doing anything. We were fucking 16 years old. But it was always like, she drank and she wanted. Like, she watched too many TV shows where guys and chicks have Conflicts like you. You. You bought the Reese's instead of. What are you talking about? Just eat it. You know, I don't. I'm not even saying we had arguments about that. But she was one of those girls that when she got cocktails in.

[B]

Some people just like to fight.

[A]

Yeah, and I don't want to fight. I just want to swashbit and finger you. Go home. That's it. I ain't here to fight with you. We'll drink a little bit more finger. I know you're not fucking nobody. I'm cool with it. I'm not making you do anything. I'm not going to give you a roof either.

[B]

That's really nice of you.

[A]

Oh, but if you think that I'm going to argue with you and then try to make up and walk you home. And on the walk in, she would start another fight after the makeout. Another. We were in high school. You walk home to 68th and Guttenberg over mountains and cars and fucking Bergen lines and hills. And after I get home, I swap spit with you. I grab your tit. Now you're starting. Well, are you gonna take me to the movies on a Sunday? Because we're all going to the movies. And you're like, what the fuck? So that was too white for me. She was Italian, but she was already in the medicon zone.

[B]

So a little iced tea. Oh, there's a lot of people. I'd like to just pour some iced tea over their head. That would be great.

[A]

Some women pour. Drinking your fat.

[B]

I mean, it doesn't have to be a woman. There's plenty of guys who. I'd like to pour some iced tea over their head.

[A]

Why poor iced tea? When you hit him with a bottle, you want to be a. And put water on them. Or you want to hit him with a club stick and go. That's what happens.

[B]

I would like to do that. Do you ever fantasize about that? But people I'm mad about, you're mad about just. I want to.

[A]

Just running them over with a car.

[B]

Oh, I have. I thought about when I'm get really mad, there's like a few people. I'm like, if. Like the. If everything gets. I'm like, I'm gonna kill them. And then like. Like, it's just like. That said, I'm gonna see how far I can get. I have, like a few people, and it's never gonna happen. I shouldn't. Probably shouldn't say this on the Internet, but there's like a few people who really pissed me off. I'm like, if I lose my job, the house goes and my life's over. I'm like, oh, yeah, I can't wait. I just. It makes me happy just to think

[A]

about it, you know. Man, that shit'll fucking kill you. I used to dream about all that shit. Like, I had one deal that was for sure. I was committed to this deal because I had nothing else going on. And I couldn't imagine being 40 with nothing going on. So I said, I'm gonna go to LA and I'm gonna give it a chance. If for some reason I fuck up or I do something stupid, I'm gonna drive home and I'm gonna stop and kill my ex wife and the husband and then go to North Bergen where they won't come and get me. That was the plan. That's a sad fucking plan. Yeah. If I fail at this, I got nothing else to live for. What am I gonna do? Become an Engineer. When you're 40, you don't have a high school diploma. What am I gonna do? Mr. Asley's gonna get me a job at the school. What am I gonna do? You're done. You're 40, you got felonies, you got a GED and you failed at stand up. What is there to celebrate? I was just gonna go kill her and just sit there with. With a cigarette with blood all over my face. I don't know what happened. There was blood everywhere. And then they put you like a. You're crazy. You know that's what I was hoping for, right? They would just say, he's crazy. You know, I was in Figure out how to Be Fucking Insane, but thank God we didn't get to that.

[B]

Thank God.

[A]

And that was the thing. I was like, if I fail at comedy, what am I doing? That's it. That's it. You failed at marriage, which is Basic Communication 101, and you're going to fail as a comic, which is Basic communication Volume 2. What am I going to go for? Volume 3? There ain't none, right? So I was like, I'm done from whatever happens there. I'll just run reckless and they'll shoot me somewhere in Jersey City. Jesus.

[B]

It does. It does. It's not something you should do, but when you're pissed off, it feels good to think about it.

[A]

Well, yeah. Why are you pissed off? And that's what's. It's like when you call a hooker, but you jerk off on the way there and you're like, I don't need her now, right? I really jerked off. It's the same thing. That's why you got to think about the steps on things, you know?

[B]

Well, they have things like that now. They have like break rooms where you can just go and break when you're angry.

[A]

That's for faggy people. They also got a place. I go for 65 bucks, lady will hug me to sleep.

[B]

Oh, yeah, professional cuddler.

[A]

Yeah. And I get there and ladies, £400 with peanut butter fingers. I'm trying to fall asleep and no, that's just.

[B]

If I'm paying someone to cuddle, it's going to be someone who's £400.

[A]

No, you're not. You're going to be a nice looking blonde with big tits. Cover your eyes. You know how people put those things in their eyes? They don't see, right. I want a chick to put a tits on my ass like that. I don't see nothing. That's what I want for 65 an hour if you're going to cuddle with me. But how depressing is your life if you're going to cuddle with somebody on the street? I mean, that's a new world. And people take a hug from anybody. Yeah, that's the new thing. Oh, thank you for sharing. Let's give him a hug. Oh my God, you're so brave. Thank you. When you went on the Oscars for calling out the Palestinian children, we needed that. America really needed to look at that. You know, thank God you called out the Jews for their atrocities. And you know, and you're like, well, how did this get to this? Are you putting me the fuck on by saying all this dumb shit?

[B]

I love you always think that, that someone's like fucking with you.

[A]

I think they fuck with me. It's like when you go to Texas and do comedy like on the other side of Texas. And again, a comic will go up. That's not experience. And it'll go. Before we start this show, let's give a round of applause for the troops. I get it. I applaud the troops. But why are you saying that at a comedy show, right? Two mothers are in the back crying, my boy's in Iraq. You know, the fuck is wrong with you? Right? So there's just things that people go to that are just easy to say. And once you start watching Hollywood. Yeah, that's all it is. That's all it is.

[B]

There's a lot of things like that. Like, did you.

[A]

No.

[B]

Did you watch the Olympics?

[A]

It's. No, I didn't waste my time it starts over there. That's the fucking grow. New York City catches a cold if catches the flu. The rest of the country catches the cold when you start that stupidity behavior that started in LA or people of that mode. When I left New York City, there weren't a lot of people in that mode. Here they were the Village, you know, they thought they were artsy, fartsy and smart. Everybody but the rest of these motherfuckers would mug them out of heart, you know what I'm saying? So they got kept in check. Now they're all over New York, whether it's with their stupid fucking six foot dogs or whatever the fuck they want to tell you about why they're more special than you and why they're entitled to do this. You know, that's the world today. You know, everywhere you go, you go to a restaurant, there's a thing to take pictures.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So you could feel like you're in Hollywood. I don't want to take no pictures in front of that. What's it going to do for me?

[B]

Like, like they have, like they have.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Do you remember that in LA they had some walls with like wings and there was like a security guard because people were coming to take pictures and like you had to like wait and wait in line and take a picture with like the wings behind you.

[A]

It's, you know, it's like the people who fly in to go to Pink's hot dogs. Oh yeah, and they shit blood for two weeks because somebody told them to go to Pink's hot dog. Some idiot told them to go to Pink's hot dog. I would tell people to fucking go there to la, drive by Pink's and throw a grenade at the fucking building because it's so fucking bad. The buns, the dogs, the chili, it's all bad. Some places you go and you're like, I like the dog, but the, the bun was kind of light, you know, I like this. There you go. I didn't like the yellow bun. It's like a yellow bun. The hot dog is one of those beef hot dogs in California, you know, it's got some tofu in it, you know the tofu, it's like the Dodger dog.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

I love Dodger Stadium, but the Dodger dog, I wouldn't give it to my cat.

[B]

No, it's all.

[A]

I wouldn't give it to my cat. Yeah, you know, I didn't eat hot dogs back there until we found the ballpark ones. No, my wife found something my wife found and that's when I started eating them because we were making them at home.

[B]

Right?

[A]

But I don't eat those Jamal Kop ballpark, fuck those things. I'm a Sabrette motherfucker to the end. And the other company got Dooman's to the end. Everything else. I don't even want to put that shit to my lips.

[B]

No, it was.

[A]

If I don't see Sad Bread on those. These Arabs that sell Sabrettes in New York, their bootlegs and shit.

[B]

Did you see people? People are getting really upset with them because you'll get a hot dog and you'll order it, they'll hand it to you, and it's like 15 bucks.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And like, they're just fucking with you now.

[A]

The hot dog. Listen, everything is so outlandish in New York now. Why? The coolness is gone. The coolness that was really New York is gone. And they ain't gonna come back for a long time. Everything you see now, they're faking the funk. That is not the New York City we grew up in. It was a different state of mind. It wasn't that shallow. State of mind. New Yorkers were not that shallow.

[B]

Well, and I know I'm part of the problem, but I. I don't know how many actual New Yorkers are still there. Maybe in some neighborhoods, but in most of them not.

[A]

No, they were all from Indiana and Boston.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, and they took away from that what that grime was. Now you go to a city, you're like, it's dirty. New York in the 70s and 80s and even early 90s, before Giuliani had a little grime to it.

[B]

A lot.

[A]

It didn't bother you. If you came from grime, it didn't bother you. It was just something you live with. Other people come here and they look, oh, we gotta get rid of that. No, that's what this city's about. That's what it's always been about. For starters. I don't know when to change. But it's a blue collar city. Oh, it does. Just like Jersey, Brooklyn, the Bronx, they're really blue collar. Manhattan always had a little flair to it. You got some stockbrokers, but we're all blue collar. Go around North Jersey, everybody thinks they're high collar. Yeah.

[B]

But they're doing. They're doing what your neighbor did. They're staying over there so they could save money and take the ferry every day to New York. Yeah.

[A]

What ferry? The ferry is $18 fucking a day.

[B]

It is.

[A]

That's 120 a week or Something like that, right?

[B]

Yeah, if you want to do that. Dude, I'm lucky.

[A]

I'm lucky.

[B]

And I pay 350amonth to park in Manhattan and that's cheap.

[A]

When you really look at New York and what's going on there, as a 23 year old, you're like, I'm gonna live in the city and you're making 120 grand. You ain't putting nothing in the way. No, there's nothing going away. When that check comes, you spend every fucking dime. That's not what New York. 120 for a single kid, that's 24, 25, but they don't give a fuck. They'll go over there. Where? A neighborhood is so much fun. We could smoke vapor pens in the bakery. You could do that in Jersey. You can do that. Connecticut, you could do that anywhere. But they just brainwashed. Yeah, we've been brainwashed.

[B]

New York always had a draw for me.

[A]

I don't know how can you not? One minute I'm hanging out with fucking savages in the Village, the next minute I'm jumping up and down with black people in Harlem, you know. Next minute I'm at a Yankee game. Next minute it's one in the morning, I'm stopping in this. They got a steak that you can't get nowhere at 8:00'. Clock. Oh, they still got a steak over that one in the morning. I don't even think you could do that anymore.

[B]

Someone told me that there's a 24 hour Cuban place.

[A]

Well, I believe it.

[B]

I forget, I can't remember what the. Okay, you've never been there in the city?

[A]

Yeah, I believe it. Oh, Just to prove to you you could still make a living on cheap food. Oh, yeah, you know, we're getting killed. People are getting fucking killed, you know, and then they want to come on tv. The economy is booming, okay? And America. Yes, it is. The tariffs, okay, Keep telling yourself that. Keep fucking telling yourself that. People are scared to go into New York City. They don't know what they're going to spend 35 in total. For what? For what? I need one thing out of New York City. A good steak at that place. Beside that, I don't go in there for the city. I don't go in there for comedy. I don't want to play the Beacon Theater to make no fucking money. The Beacon theater, you make 10 grand for 10,000 people because they take everything else, right? You're fucking crazy. The union, I don't want to do that shit. No. Taking like 30 of your money you don't even see, and you're like 30%.

[B]

And the problem is, is when you're there for a while, you don't realize it. And then you go to. To Florida for the weekend, or you go like, to. To Massachusetts, and you're like, oh, things are a third of what they cost.

[A]

Many times I go to breakfast and the bill came back 13. And I call the waitress. You made a mistake. How many times I call you from Denver?

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Tell you about the $7 breakfast. I don't think they have it anymore, but it was like Sam's. Sam's. Yeah, it went up, but it was still like a bowl of chili, two eggs, potatoes, and toast. You could take those chili and throw it over the eggs with two tortillas for $7.99 and orange juice and a coffee. That's what America's forgot. Yeah, that's what America forgot. So I applaud those people that still want to save you. My friend was telling me she went for a margarita, was 24 bucks last week, probably somewhere in Old Bridge. That's 48 bucks. That's 48 bucks. I went to the fucking Garden. It was 33 for a single shot margarita on the third floor. 33. They wanted 43 for a double shot or something. I'm like, fuck it, I'll drink water.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm not paying 40. And that's what I don't. That's what breaks my heart about New York City now. It's a fucking. They get you at every level. They became cable TV two years ago. You paid cable tv Now I cancel cable. But see what you're paying now, more between Netflix, they chunked it up on you. So if you pay for prime Netflix, Magoobie Peacock, you know, I'm dropping 800. And then the phones. I didn't know these phones were fucking $200 a month now. We paid 34. And you had a phone at the house. God forbid you dial my, you know, $34. It's $170. You have to pay the phone. How do people. How are they getting this money? They're going into debt.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

There is no way you could walk around with a smile on your face and go, I just went and paid 1800 for an iPhone.

[B]

That's low. It's like two. Dude, I can't tell you. I have it written down. You know, have you seen the orthodox Jews that walk around with the flip phones? Yeah, like, that's what I want. Yeah, I want the, like, the Orthodox Jew flip phone. I'm not spending 2,000 on.

[A]

You don't give a fuck about Google. And at the end of the day, you're paying two grand, so you could be cool. Let's Google. How do we eat pussy? Let's Google the best restaurant. Let's Yelp it. Let's do this. No, I don't even have Twitter on mine. I don't have Facebook on my phone. I have Instagram. That's it. That is it.

[B]

And that's about to go, too, probably.

[A]

Yeah. I'm starting to get a little just. It's just, you know. But there's some good things on Instagram. Like the Jews. I like those Jews.

[B]

AI. Jews are good.

[A]

Girl from France I torture every day. Call a magnificique and she'll send me voicemail. I do not know.

[B]

You just pretend you're talking French to her.

[A]

Yeah, but it ain't French. I can't talk French. I just start making up letters and like that. What do you got this weekend, Tarzan?

[B]

This week I'm with you in Tampa.

[A]

All right, sold out. And then Saturday, Friday and Saturday, you got what?

[B]

Friday and Saturday, I'll just be around New York. Can I give one? It's a little far out, but it's a big one.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

April 1st and 2nd, I'm at Uncle Vinnie's. Very excited about it.

[A]

All right. Oh, shit.

[B]

Headlining Wednesday and Thursday. Very exciting for us.

[A]

But we got Tampa. Sold out. But we got Foxwoods. Foxwoods. And there was 100 tickets left last Thursday. Yeah, there was 100 tickets left last Thursday.

[B]

So that's a week from Saturday.

[A]

That's a week from Saturday. And that's it. That's all we got. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry about last week with the snowstorm. I know you like listening to us two idiots, but we just couldn't do it. It wasn't worth it, killing ourselves. But we're back. We'll be back next week with a guest the week after that. We got Alberto Crane. He's coming in with his new book.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

We got John Bernthal coming in for the dog day afternoon. We got a couple things going on, so.

[B]

I love it.

[A]

That's it. We're here with queer motherfuckers. Have a great week. We love you. And stay black, Jack.