Rachel Feinstein and Joey Diaz are off the chain!

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Rachel Feinstein and Joey Diaz are Off the Chain!"

The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament episode released on March 11, 2025, features a lively and candid conversation between hosts Joey Diaz and Lee Syed, along with special guest Rachel Feinstein. The episode delves deep into the realms of stand-up comedy, personal struggles with addiction, experiences with religion, and the often tumultuous life on the road as a comedian. Below is a detailed summary capturing the essence of their discussions, enriched with notable quotes and timestamps.

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1. Welcome and Introductions [01:46 - 04:00]

The episode kicks off with Joey Diaz reintroducing Rachel Feinstein to the audience. Joey sets a humorous yet candid tone, reminiscing about the challenges comedians face, such as dealing with unruly audience members and the pressures of the comedy scene.

Notable Quote:

• Joey Diaz (02:06): "What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? We're back like herpes."

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2. The Wild World of Stand-Up Comedy [04:00 - 25:00]

Rachel shares her early days in stand-up, highlighting the struggle of bombing on stage, especially in front of family members. Joey and Lee chime in with their own anecdotes about difficult performances, hecklers, and the unpredictable nature of live comedy.

Notable Quotes:

• Rachel Feinstein (04:10): "I got dressed like a district attorney. I realize for that I should announce that I really overdressed today."
• Joey Diaz (14:21): "And then later on I saw the little girl. I saw a little girl with long braids who was really pale."

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3. Navigating Drug Use and Sobriety [25:00 - 38:00]

A significant portion of the conversation revolves around drug use, particularly Joey's journey to sobriety. He recounts a pivotal moment where his friend's terminal illness motivated him to quit cocaine. Rachel empathizes, sharing her own brief experiences with drugs in her early twenties and the realization of their detrimental effects.

Notable Quotes:

• Joey Diaz (85:28): "I'm saving her life. I'm, you know, saving my own."
• Rachel Feinstein (87:05): "It's amazing... someone could make fun of a special needs choir."

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4. Religion, Faith, and Personal Beliefs [38:00 - 57:00]

Joey and Rachel delve into their experiences with religion, particularly Catholicism and Judaism. They discuss the complexities of attending church, dealing with guilt from religious teachings, and the challenges of integrating faith into their personal lives and comedy.

Notable Quotes:

• Joey Diaz (38:31): "No, no, there has to let them drive a Cadillac or a BMW."
• Rachel Feinstein (35:08): "I can't hang out there. I can't."

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5. Life on the Road: Highs and Lows [57:00 - 75:00]

The conversation shifts to life as a touring comedian. Rachel shares tales of performing in various venues, facing hostile audiences, and the emotional toll of constantly being on the move. Joey adds to this with stories of interacting with fans, dealing with personal losses, and the unpredictable nature of touring life.

Notable Quotes:

• Joey Diaz (73:18): "They throw Pop Rocks on your dick and suck it. It's like the Fourth of July."
• Rachel Feinstein (77:37): "I hope nobody ever... I'm terrified."

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6. Personal Anecdotes and Comedic Insights [75:00 - 100:00]

Joey recounts various personal stories, including his antics during his early comedy days, interactions with other comedians, and humorous yet raw insights into the entertainment industry's darker side. Rachel reflects on her own experiences, emphasizing the importance of authenticity in comedy and the challenges women face in a male-dominated field.

Notable Quotes:

• Joey Diaz (99:48): "If you're gonna let me rob you, I'm going to rob you."
• Rachel Feinstein (96:10): "I feel like people lie and coke to such a degree..."

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7. Overcoming Challenges and Moving Forward [100:00 - End]

The episode concludes with Joey discussing his commitment to staying clean and the profound impact his promise had on his life. Rachel shares her aspirations to continue evolving as a comedian while balancing personal and professional life. Both hosts emphasize the importance of community, resilience, and the therapeutic nature of comedy.

Notable Quotes:

• Joey Diaz (107:07): "I made a promise to myself... I would never do coke again."
• Rachel Feinstein (112:13): "You're gonna fucking be ready when you're ready."

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Conclusion

This episode of The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament offers a raw and unfiltered look into the lives of stand-up comedians, exploring the intersections of humor, personal struggle, faith, and the relentless pursuit of success. Joey Diaz and Rachel Feinstein's candid storytelling provides listeners with both laughter and profound insights into the often-hidden challenges faced by those in the comedy world.

Final Thoughts:

• The hosts blend humor with heartfelt moments, creating a relatable and engaging narrative.
• Listeners gain a deeper understanding of the complexities behind the seemingly glamorous life of comedians.
• The episode underscores the therapeutic power of comedy in navigating life's adversities.

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Note: This summary omits advertisements, intros, outros, and non-content sections as per the request, focusing solely on the substantive discussions and stories shared during the episode.

Transcript

[Joey Diaz]

What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? We're back like herpes. It's March 11th, Tuesday. A beautiful day to be alive. I know I wasn't here last week. Shit happened. I was in county jail. But we're about to start this motherfucker right now. The church is in session, bitches. Uncle Joey here. Listen, it's time to make feeling good nice and easy. Ditch all the boring guided meditations. All you need is Via. Via is changing the game and natural wellness combining high quality hemp derived ingredients with powerful cannabinoids to create serious results. Whether you want more focus, better sleep, or boosting your love life, Via has you covered. Listen, Uncle Joey, you guys know my tolerance is off the chain. I eat like two of these daytime. They call them daytime 100 milligrams. I'm ready to go. Last night I ate eight pieces of toast with butter last night. Who does that? You understand me? That's what Via does. So customize your Via experience by choosing the type of relaxation you're looking for along with the level of THC you want. With products ranging from zero to high cannabinoid levels, they'll have something for everyone. So if you're 21 and older, treat yourself to 15% off and and get a free gift on your first order. Use our exclusive code Joey J O E [e-mail] Again joeyahemp.com Please enjoy the free shipping on orders over 100 bucks. That's viahemp.com code word Joey. Thank you for supporting the podcast.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Welcome back to Cherry.

[Joey Diaz]

What's up, dog? We're back. We have the Beautiful and talented Ms. Rachel Feinstein here today we got my man Lee Syed, who didn't want to eat a mushroom.

[Lee Syed]

You know how that goes.

[Joey Diaz]

Two hours to eat a mushroom, back and forth looking at it.

[Lee Syed]

We need security.

[Joey Diaz]

Put it in the meatball sandwich.

[Lee Syed]

So it wasn't a grand.

[Joey Diaz]

Unbelievable.

[Lee Syed]

But you'll see by the end of this episode what wasn't a gram. It wasn't a gram. And they gave me two of them. They had. Each one had eight different caps on it. It was bigger than any mushroom I've ever seen. And it wasn't even blue. It was already fuzzing over the blue. What?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, I still went between my toes that night.

[Lee Syed]

I know you did. I took like 7 grams. I'm gonna be on the floor, but.

[Joey Diaz]

There'S a couch for you here. Yeah.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Mushrooms are not like a Jews drug. No, they're not.

[Lee Syed]

Jews don't do well with drugs. That's why we have Manischevitz, the most disgusting wine in the world. Jews don't get up.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I feel like we can drink, but, like, if I do mushrooms, like, it just accentuates every quality I've been trying to erase my entire life. I'm just gonna be, like, shivering in a corner.

[Lee Syed]

I ask everyone, are you mad at me? Are you mad at me?

[Joey Diaz]

Jews love to party. Epstein, Netanyahu, they love to party.

[Lee Syed]

Is that the first Jew you have to bring? With our best?

[Rachel Feinstein]

Please.

[Joey Diaz]

Who?

[Lee Syed]

That's like, what if we. You bring up Cuba, we bring up Castro, we don't. Why do you gotta bring up the worst Jew?

[Rachel Feinstein]

Who's the worst Jew?

[Joey Diaz]

Well, he's Jewish, but let's just. You know, he knows how to throw a party. He just fucking left the list on. Netanyahu, on the other hand, ain't that stupid. When he fucks you, he kills you. Afterwards, you ain't telling no stories. There's no list. There's no plane manifest. There's nothing. That's a real fucking Jew. You understand me? Anyway, how's it going, Rachel?

[Lee Syed]

Welcome to the podcast, Rachel.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Oh, my God. I don't know. I'm dressed like a district attorney. I realize for that I should announce that I really overdressed today.

[Joey Diaz]

No, you look fantastic.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Thanks, guys.

[Joey Diaz]

You got class. Not like these fucking wenches.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I just. I just.

[Joey Diaz]

They come in here with a titties sticking out, trying to get fucking spots at the Comedy Cellar. You dirty bitches. You know what I'm saying? You came, you held your own like a woman. Fuck, yeah.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Thank you. My Colombian friend, gay friend, did my makeup at Pico's. I was like, hey, do you think I look okay at Pico's? Yeah. That Columbia did a good job on you.

[Joey Diaz]

So she did your makeup or something. You look great.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah, it's my. Yeah, he's. He's like, yeah, Colombians did a good job on you. That was his way of phoning it a compliment. That was, like, the best he was gonna do.

[Joey Diaz]

Is he gay, too?

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yes.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, boy. Gay Spaniards are the best, aren't they?

[Rachel Feinstein]

Oh, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Anybody could be gay. Meet a Latino guy that's a fucking fag.

[Rachel Feinstein]

They run it. Fucking touch.

[Joey Diaz]

Those motherfuckers are old school fags. They get the training in the Bronx from the bodegas. You ever see the movie Crooklyn?

[Rachel Feinstein]

No.

[Joey Diaz]

Brooklyn Crooklyn. It's a.

[Rachel Feinstein]

It's a Spike Levy. Yes, I saw that. Yeah. Long time ago.

[Joey Diaz]

The best scene in that movie is when the kid Goes into the bodega and the Puerto Rican tranny's in there with a wig tipped over. He got, like, a black eye from the night before. I grew up around those guys in the Bronx, right? Like, when I used to go to my mother's dry cleaner, I always saw a Puerto Rican tranny. And they push it. This is way before. This is 40 years ago. They were the heels, the fucking makeup, the wig was always tight.

[Lee Syed]

What was it called? I feel like a lot of.

[Rachel Feinstein]

A lot of, like, gay guys, I feel like they know more about being a woman than women do sometimes. Like that. Like, they'll give me notes where I would. I wouldn't even have occurred to me, because they've been thinking about it. Especially if you kind of want to be a woman. Like, you've been thinking about it your whole life. Like, I don't know the difference between, like, a pencil skirt and a regular skirt. But, like, yeah, like a gay guy. I'd be like, they'll fucking notice you. And they clean me, too. They notice I have debris on me because I'm still a comic. I'm like an animal. Yeah, well, they teach me how to be a woman.

[Lee Syed]

You were saying that in San Francisco when you were there, there were, like, these Cuban dudes who had a girlfriend.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, in Cuba in the old days, you could have a. A boyfriend that was really your girlfriend. You dressed them up in prison. They get backhands. It's hysterical. It's hysterical. They give them backhands. Shut up, Coyote. You know?

[Rachel Feinstein]

Tremendous. I feel like since I've gotten here, I have so many questions. I feel like this is the oldest reference ever, but I feel like Sandy from Greece. I'm like, what do you mean, a backhand? Like, I need. I need everything explained. Like, I came here looking like a fucking paralegal, and I'm like, can you understand? Tell me about the dark days and what the bad boys did. No, I don't understand.

[Lee Syed]

Did that.

[Joey Diaz]

Break that little gay friend of yours and tell him, say, what do you do on Tuesday night? What happens in your world? Because that's when you. They. They're wizards.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Thank you.

[Joey Diaz]

They're wizards. And I've said this before. Men, the fireman, all of us in this room, we're just living till we die. Gay guys get their money's worth every fucking night. And it's all the dirty shit we dreamed of as men. We just sometimes don't have the balls to do it. But gay guys, like we said in LA on Tuesdays, there was a Place that had a tent in it.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Right.

[Joey Diaz]

Cause our friend was gay at the Comedy Store.

[Lee Syed]

Still is.

[Joey Diaz]

He still is.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Great.

[Joey Diaz]

He said he would walk in the tent, and you had to fuck somebody or suck his dick unless you knew the person was. You had to go back in the tent. Like, it's torture. That's real fucking abuse. But you never see a gay guy going, I was on Epstein's list. He. He did bad things. No, only we get in trouble for that shit. Straight guys.

[Rachel Feinstein]

So wait, you're saying that the list. The list. I mean, I think we could establish that. We could probably establish that Epstein is not. Is not a good guy. Like, he's. I'd like to distance myself.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, no, it was just a joke.

[Rachel Feinstein]

But no, no, I'm being absurd.

[Joey Diaz]

He's not a good guy at all.

[Rachel Feinstein]

No, no, he's not. No, he's not a class act. But no. But, no, I'm just being.

[Joey Diaz]

Gay guys are class acts, but they do dirty things. Like Eric. He used to have a kid come over every Monday, rub his feet, then jerk off on his feet and leave and give him, like, 100 bucks. Who did that? I would do that every night, come over, cut my toenails, and you want to jerk off on him? That's a party. I won't tell if you won't tell. You know what I'm saying?

[Rachel Feinstein]

Wait, what did you say about the toenails?

[Joey Diaz]

He would cut his toenails, then come on his feet, jerk off, and come on his feet. That's it. The guy just.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Oh, my goodness. Now, your grandma didn't tell you about fellas like that, did she?

[Lee Syed]

No.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I know how S. Nano would have lost it. Sucked off proper. I know. A class act. It'll cut your toenails for you, too.

[Joey Diaz]

This motherfucker.

[Rachel Feinstein]

That was your bar mitzvah gift, right?

[Joey Diaz]

This motherfucker told me he was meeting a gay guy one night. Because they just meet. I mean, what in the country can you get on a nap and go.

[Rachel Feinstein]

What'S wrong with me?

[Joey Diaz]

I want to get suck my dick or whatever, and some gay guy go, I'm three blocks away. Like, we can't do that. They'll throw us in jail for doing that. If we just put out on. What's that app that people go on? Grind? No, no, the one for women, too. Tinder. You go on Tinder. I'm just looking for somebody to suck my dick. Some chicken is gonna raise a hand. I'm in Cliffside. Come over. But gay guys who told me that they were Looking at somebody.

[Lee Syed]

I just. The other coming here too, because my Eric, we started. He was before me, but we were doing open mics together. Showed me Grindr. I was on the bus the other day coming here. This dude had Grindr open on the bus, which is crazy. And the message said, I can't make it, but my boyfriend will be home in an hour and a half. If you can make it here before then.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Oh, my.

[Joey Diaz]

They live like doctors.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Oh, my God. I just started sounding like, like, the lady from Greece again. I'm like, oh, my stars. I've never heard of someone getting sucked off that briskly. Briskly. That is also, like, one of my other friends. Another. I can't remember who. It was a comic, but he was telling me that, like, they have, like, a Planet Fitness that they meet in. In, like, midtown. And, like, they just. And like, they write on the back of the guy's ass, like, there's just an ass waiting. Like, just in some sort of Planet Fitness. A lot of time off. If you have, like eight hours to get spent getting slammed into Planet Fitness. And they just write, like. They just write like, a line. You know what I mean? Like, they. Each person that them is gets like a Sharpie or something. They just write a leather. Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And crazy. You go to jail for that.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

But they get away with it. They leave. They're happy.

[Rachel Feinstein]

They just put a little tip on, like, some website. Just like, you know, I don't know if it's Grindr or something. The next level of filth website. I don't know if they're just like, yeah, there's a waiting ass in the planet.

[Lee Syed]

But that's the thing about, like, they don't. It's not a big deal to them. Like, Eric used to do it between open mics.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Wait, what would he do? Exactly.

[Lee Syed]

What do they do?

[Rachel Feinstein]

No, not they. I mean, not all gay men collectively, but Eric.

[Lee Syed]

Eric was my favorite. He would go. He used to call it taking a walk with his Grinder. He would drive me home once. He would drive me home after I got too fucked up with Joey, and I'm like, do you want to call you an Uber? Thanks for driving me home. He goes, no, I'm gonna go take a walk. And he would just text me at six in the morning that he had been out. He just. Because it tells you literally, like, on every other app, it's like, hey, so and so is a few miles away or lives in New York. Grindr's like, hey, there's someone 18ft away from you.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Oh my God.

[Lee Syed]

And you can just message him right away. It's amazing.

[Rachel Feinstein]

And that's it. There's no. There's like.

[Lee Syed]

Well, they have to say yes, but no.

[Rachel Feinstein]

But Norman, Norman has a joke about this. About how there's like just. There's no guardrails, like. Yeah. So men could just. There's just two disgraceful people operating very quickly so they can get right to. Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

It's fucking crazy. It's a different world.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I can imagine.

[Joey Diaz]

He told me that he would take his victims to eat hot dogs. And I'm like, why hot dogs? He goes, you gotta get em ready.

[Rachel Feinstein]

We die.

[Lee Syed]

He goes, why don't we call them victims though?

[Joey Diaz]

Subconsciously. You gotta get em ready. They're sucking on a dog and then you.

[Rachel Feinstein]

So the hot dogs are like prepping them for the dick. It's hilarious.

[Joey Diaz]

After that I'm like, I wish I was too.

[Rachel Feinstein]

No one would ever come up with it. No one would ever be like, I take them to have hatching first so then they can. They go. Then they can go down on me. Yeah. No woman would ever.

[Joey Diaz]

All my dates to hot dog stands together.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Now I'm distracted trying to think of the part like what would be the prep food for.

[Lee Syed]

For Jewish food?

[Rachel Feinstein]

No, for. Yeah, for going down. I don't know what for. Pussy.

[Lee Syed]

A nice brisket would be nice before.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Brisket?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, yeah. Brisket will get him in the mood. If you're black and they see that brown meat.

[Rachel Feinstein]

You know, I keep wanting to do my grandma's voice again. Whenever I would want a man to eat me out, I would say go have a taco first. So we'd get used to the shape. All right.

[Joey Diaz]

You're looking nervous over there.

[Lee Syed]

Well, yeah, it's already kicking in.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm looking nervous.

[Lee Syed]

I'm looking up.

[Joey Diaz]

You're not getting nothing.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Are you really up right now?

[Lee Syed]

It's about to.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah, it's a. It's about you is amazing. You could barely form that sentence. It's about to. It's great.

[Lee Syed]

That's pretty much. Yeah, I'm feeling fine right now, but it's definitely kicking in.

[Joey Diaz]

Lay back, lay back, relax, lay back. It's going to be all right.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Everything's going to be fine.

[Joey Diaz]

How long you been doing stand up now?

[Rachel Feinstein]

I think you're going to be a star in show business.

[Joey Diaz]

Thank you. How long are you doing stand up?

[Rachel Feinstein]

Oh my God. At least 20 years. 20 something years? Yeah. Forever.

[Joey Diaz]

And you started in the city?

[Rachel Feinstein]

I moved to New York. Yeah. Like right after I graduated high School. And I started stand up pretty soon after, I moved with this guy in his band called Dick Sister. And then Dick Sister dumped me. I was like the Yoko Ono to Dick Sister. Like, they really didn't want me around. I was on tour with them, which consisted of, like, two dive bars in Michigan or something. And he was like, yeah, you're bringing the band down. You gotta beat it, kid. Yeah, so I think I was just cockblocking him. He knew he could get a wider stream of puss, so he kind of shed me. But then I was in New York, so I was like. And I never went to college or anything, so I was like, oh, I should try stand up. I moved from Bethesda, Maryland. Oh, shit.

[Joey Diaz]

So you're from Maryland?

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah, Maryland.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm surprised you didn't bump into Ari down there.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Oh, yeah, Ari's from Maryland. I always forget that.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, I used to do comedy in Bethesda.

[Rachel Feinstein]

What's that? You did?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Where did you do? Comedy's Corner. Oh, yeah, I know Tyson's Corner. We used to go to the mall there when I was a kid.

[Joey Diaz]

There was a comic from New York that moved there and ran a room on the weekends for years. I forget what his name was. They finally closed it down. It was a hotel, right. And then after we do the set there on Fridays, we would shoot headliners.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Was it a Holiday Inn? I feel like I might have heard about that.

[Joey Diaz]

That was a Holiday Inn?

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yes. I think it was one of the first times I ever did stand up. It just bombed in front of my entire family. Yeah, that's the place when all my aun was. You know when you accidentally make eye contact with one of your parents when you're bombing, and it's just so horrifying.

[Joey Diaz]

And then look at you. Like, Jesus, you should have stuck with the piano.

[Rachel Feinstein]

It's even worse because, like, my parents are really open, so then if I do something sexual in front of them, it's particularly humiliating because it's like. It's like they're so encouraging. Like, I think I was doing some joke about, like, a mediocre hand job when I accidentally made eye contact with my father. And he was like, so very good. Almost rather he's disgusted that he's gently encouraging my terrible handjob joke.

[Joey Diaz]

Hand jobs are never good anyway.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

After you're 10, who wants a hand job?

[Rachel Feinstein]

Nobody needs that. You're right. It's unnecessary.

[Joey Diaz]

It's unnecessary. Some guy was telling me he's, like, old. He goes, I still go to this massage place. They give great massages. It's a knock and tuck or whatever. I'm like, that's disgusting. They come up with that sticky hand, with that little stick, that little Chinese hand that's. You have no idea. That's disgusting.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Handies, whatever your thing.

[Joey Diaz]

Look, they tried to give me a hand job in 1995, and I ran out of this place in Michigan.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Who was they?

[Joey Diaz]

They did the switch. I was dry. I went to Michigan and my shoulder was hurting. So I saw Massage, Massage go in there. The chick at the door was fucking tremendous. I'm like, massage? Yeah. $60. Okay. One hour. Okay. I go in there and all of a sudden they draw a D team. This chick looked like she got shot in Vietnam and fucking hit with a missile. It was fucking not good. And she came in like, hand job, $40. Why would I give you another 40 on top of this? First of all, I didn't have it. I didn't really have the $40. So I started arguing with him. $2, $3. But no, I just didn't want a hand job. Yeah, I'm moved for a fucking hand job. Do your thing.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah, it does seem like an unnecessary step. Yeah. I mean, just to either go all the way or. What's the kind of. That kind of. It's a fool's errand.

[Joey Diaz]

Who wants a fucking handjob? When you're 30, you want it all. It's like going to a strip club. That's why I don't go to strip clubs.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Because they don't. They stop at one point. You go to Toronto. Those fucking strippers are crazy. And then there's other places you could go to, but usually girls that do that, you don't want them. It's like going to a nude beach, right? You go to a nude beach, nobody's there that you want to see naked.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah. There's a real supply and demand issue with the tits at a nude beach.

[Joey Diaz]

Like, look at me, I'm in a nude beach. My. Nobody wants to see it.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah. They're never the ones you're searching, searching for at all.

[Joey Diaz]

The guys are skinny, they got no muscles. Their ass is dragging. Why would you take your pants off? I wouldn't take my pants off anywhere. I know what my little Cuban ass looks like.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I had a cousin that would always breastfeed, and she would breastfeed, like, in front of everybody. And, like, it's like. But it wasn't the tits you wanted to see. Like, again, yeah, those women, she would have both out. Like, you don't need the second tits. It feels very unnecessary.

[Lee Syed]

Have you seen they do that on Instagram every once in a while? That's how I know I'm scrolling for too long. There's people who breastfeed on Instagram and they don't take it down for some reason. No, it's disgusting.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I mean, at least one little.

[Joey Diaz]

But the.

[Lee Syed]

Why does the nipple have to be out on Instagram?

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, those chicks are hookers. They're showing you your tits. Yeah. If you go on the back pages, they're always milking somebody, but they got pretty nice titties, you know, you can't argue that. But who wants. You know, Listen, we got a lot of people like pregnant women. People love that shit.

[Lee Syed]

Really?

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Lee Syed]

With another guy's baby inside.

[Rachel Feinstein]

A lot of guys have a thing for pregnant women.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't fucking know.

[Lee Syed]

That is disgusting. Someone else.

[Joey Diaz]

I'll tell you what, when you see a woman who's pregnant, she's a lot fucking prettier.

[Lee Syed]

Oh, she's beautiful.

[Joey Diaz]

It does.

[Rachel Feinstein]

She's beautiful when you're pretty. Cleans your skin up real nice. Like ladies.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, no, her fucking ankles are a little thick, but that's okay. You know what I'm saying? I ain't perfect.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I was covering it the entire time. Like, I was dressing like. Like Bea Arthur the whole time I was pregnant. And then just trying not to dress it on stage. But then everybody knew when I told them. Yeah, it was like kind of the last. But I always felt like, I don't know, it's weird to do stand up when pregnant. You know what I mean? It's a strange feeling because people just are distracted and you can't be as much of an animal as usual. It's just a weird thing.

[Joey Diaz]

I like the Ali Wong special.

[Rachel Feinstein]

She was brilliant.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, she was really good on the first one. Then a bunch of women.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I do feel like Ally was incredible. And Rosebud, because they addressed it head on. Rosebud special is really, really funny. I feel like they address it head on. And I think at the time it had been uncharted territory for me. So I really didn't know how to.

[Lee Syed]

Yeah, well, I've never seen a special.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Now I kind of wish I could go back and not hide it because I'm like, oh, now that they cracked it open, why not?

[Lee Syed]

Why did he feel like you had to hide it?

[Rachel Feinstein]

Well, at the time, I had a pilot and they told me that they were gonna be shooting the pilot. They basically had like a verbal agreement to buy the Pilot. And they were like, we're gonna shoot. And then, of course, I got pregnant as soon as we sold the pilot. So I didn't wanna. I didn't think they were gonna wanna shoot me pregnant. And so I tried to hide it and just wear. I just. Yeah, I just wore a lot of loose, kind of menopausal capes and ridiculous. And then I told them, and they were like, oh, no, we'll shoot. We don't want to shoot you when you're pregnant, but we'll still buy. They. I had a script deal, but I didn't have the pilot. They're like, we'll still buy the pilot. We'll just buy it after you have the baby. Because we don't want to shoot you holding a. You know, groceries or whatever. Laundry. Box of laundry or something. And then Covid happened, and so then the pilot never happened for a network. It was for Fox. Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Wow.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah. But I was like. As the moment I sold it, I just, like, went. And it was like, in the Fox building or whatever. And I just went to the bathroom and puked. And I was like, I'm telling you, I'm pregnant. But we had just gone to, like, check. Like, we went to, like, a fertility person to see if I could get pregnant. And they were. They just said I couldn't. So the doctor said something like, oh, you know, a lot of women, when they really want to be pregnant, they can sometimes imagine that they're. And I'm like, no, no, no, I'm pregnant. Like. Cause I'd already had a miscarriage at that point, so I knew what it felt like. And I was like, no, no, I'm pregnant. But he just kept being like, oh, wouldn't that be nice, sugar tits? It's not an option for you. You're a little too old for that. But I. And I was. Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

It's so crazy. What? Like, when you first start comedy, you're people who get deals and they come up with a sitcom, and you say to yourself, maybe that'll happen for me. Then it does, and then you realize what a pain in the ass it is and how the stars really have to be aligned.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Like they. If not, it's not going nowhere.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

No, it's not, dog. I had two of those fucking deals. And one, we're almost ready. And they were like, well, nah, everything has to be aligned. Because then they make you get a show creator and everybody's gotta like each other.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, usually they give you a deal for a year and you Gotta find the writer. That alone is six months. That alone took five months. You gotta talk to different people and you gotta see what the fuck they've written. And, you know, you don't wanna. If you're a dirty comic, I don't wanna get it written by you know. What's a good show on? I don't know, some fag show on cbs. The one with the ghost. You ever see that show about ghosts? The show's been on for like four years. Worst show I've ever seen in my life.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I would love to see you on a ghost show. I would. I would love to be like, in some kind of reality haunted house with you. Wouldn't it be so fun? Joey Diaz with ghosts.

[Joey Diaz]

No, I don't like.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I think you'd be funny with ghosts.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't like ghosts. I don't like midget.

[Rachel Feinstein]

You don't care for that magician.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm not gonna even.

[Rachel Feinstein]

The fact that you put after ghost is fascinating.

[Lee Syed]

They're in the same world for him. They're not real.

[Joey Diaz]

When I was in the hospital, did.

[Rachel Feinstein]

You believe in ghosts or do you just not like them?

[Joey Diaz]

I believe in ghosts.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

I. I've seen them.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah. Because we. We had a weird thing because we. We bought this house. So we just. This is my first house Pete bought. My husband bought it with bitcoin. And so we live in this bitcoin house and it's like 100 years old. It was the only place we could buy a house because it was the only place that they would take it. Like, it's all cops and FOIA. FOIA. Not a Jew for miles. It's like if the 911 memorial gift shop were a neighborhood. That's where I live. But they were like. They were like, it's the only place that they would take bitcoin because there was like a bank there that would do it or whatever, you know. So we live in this like 200 year. I don't know, it was a really old house. And the. When we first came to the house, they had these Victorian outfits were laid on the ground, like when we went to go look at the house. And it was like a little. Little baby's Victorian dress. It was disturbing. Weird thing to leave out, right? Yeah.

[Lee Syed]

That's a terrifying thing. That. That's like a. Like a voodoo thing.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah.

[Rachel Feinstein]

And they were kind of these Victorian nightgown. And I was like, wasn't that strange? You know? And then. And I just kept thinking about it. But then we got the house and then later on I don't know if I should be talking about this, but fuck it, I'm talking about it. But later on. So one day I was out doing a club, and I looked on the cameras in the backyard, and Pete was grilling in the backyard, and my daughter was playing next to him. And then it's a live feed, and next to her, I saw this little girl. I don't sound, like, insane, but I saw a little girl with long braids who was really pale. And so I called Pete, and I'm like, who's. But I didn't see it. Like, oh, I saw a vision I should have saw clear as day. So I called Pete. I was like, who's the little pale girl next to Frankie playing with. Who's playing with Frankie? And he's like, there's nobody there. And I was like, what do you mean there's a little girl there? You know, I see her. And then I went back in the footage later, and I didn't see her. I wasn't high. I wasn't on anything. And then later on, when he was at the firehouse, I'd hear these really loud sounds at night. And the lady that owned the house told me, if you ever hear anything weird, call me. You know? So I called her, and I was like, oh, I hear these loud sounds. And she was like. I was. I was thinking you were gonna call. It was like an old horror movie. She's like, my brother died on the way back to the house, and he was hit by a car. And ever since then, he used to play with his dog in the kitchen, and there would be loud banging sounds. And then she said, her sister also, who passed in the house. But I guess after a certain period of time, you don't have to tell anybody if a certain amount of time goes by.

[Joey Diaz]

What's that? How many years do you have to hold it a secret that somebody died in your basement?

[Rachel Feinstein]

I think it's got. I think there's, like, why is there.

[Lee Syed]

A statute of limitations on this? Just. Well, that I want to know.

[Rachel Feinstein]

What is it?

[Joey Diaz]

It's a shroomy boy. Relax.

[Rachel Feinstein]

He doesn't know anything. He has no idea what planet he's on. He's just rocking. I love that he's just kind of, like, rocking back and forth.

[Lee Syed]

Well, this pillow is getting in my way. But I don't want to. Yeah. Why is there a statue of limitations? I'd want to know if someone died in my house?

[Joey Diaz]

No, no. So do I. But I bought. My mother bought a House in 73. And the people didn't tell us that the husband hung himself in the garage like four or five years earlier. So it was the same shit. I used to hear that motherfucker come up the stairs at night.

[Rachel Feinstein]

It was terrifying me because he'd be at the firehouse and I could hear things on the stairs.

[Joey Diaz]

And like sixth grade, I moved out of my house. I told my mother, I'm not living with these fucking spirits you kill.

[Rachel Feinstein]

What would your mom do with the spirits? Did she try to clean them out? Because I put the fucking. They burn sage and stuff. They lived there because I asked somebody for what I should do and they said, holy water. So I was like, I don't know. I'm like a Jew. I don't know how you get a holy water, but. So I had to ask a Catholic to get me holy water. Will they give holy water to a Jew? Tell me the truth. They will. Okay, Just be like, I have Rachel.

[Joey Diaz]

You just go to church, put the cup in the water and put the lid on. They don't know the really.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Oh, so there's just like a little bath there. Yeah, I know nothing.

[Joey Diaz]

Bath, the breath. Priest blesses it every day. That's too holy water. That's really.

[Rachel Feinstein]

It's just anything, you know?

[Joey Diaz]

I mean, these.

[Rachel Feinstein]

That's where they get it. You just dip your. Like. You just dip your punch or something.

[Lee Syed]

Freaking out right now, yelling stuff at it.

[Joey Diaz]

You don't just go to church. You have to, like, do it. And then the sign of the cross.

[Rachel Feinstein]

This one. I always mess up when I try.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, but don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. Nobody.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Such an idiot.

[Joey Diaz]

But.

[Rachel Feinstein]

But there's a second one, right, isn't there? This one? Yeah, down and that one's cool looking.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

That's a quick one. Yeah. That's like Catholics in a rush.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You ain't got time to it, you.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Know, I wanted to be Catholic so bad when I was younger.

[Joey Diaz]

It's overrated.

[Lee Syed]

It's like the Yankees. It doesn't seem cool. Yeah, Being Christian. Being all like, yeah, Christian is so much better than Jewish. It looks better with A, Christmas is better. B, we had. Did you ever have to, like, go to, like, the high holidays when everyone else had the day off from school?

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yes. It's. It's.

[Lee Syed]

The microphone's gone.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Sorry. I love how many times you've had to do it for me. I just look like such a dumb hole right now. Like, all the men have to help me with the microphone. Like, how does it work.

[Lee Syed]

But no, it's not fun being Jewish. And now it's people.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Now it's getting a little dicey. But. But I will say, but Catholics, yeah, they give you a hard time. I get the craziest DMs. I'll be like, I swear to God, I'll just be promoting a show. And somebody called me an oven magnet. I'm like, can it fucking. You promote a show in Tampa? That'd be calling it being called a goddamn oven magnet. Also, oven magnet is. I guess it's just some derogatory term for Jews, but it's particularly hilarious because it's like, this person's obviously not a Holocaust denier because they acknowledge that we went to the ovens. But, like, by calling us oven magnets, they're kind of acting like we just couldn't get enough of the ovens. Like, we just gravitated towards them or something. Oven magnet is the dumbest thing I've ever.

[Joey Diaz]

We were eating at dinner. We were eating dinner, like, the first night, Saturday, and we're talking about something. The Jews came up and I told my daughter. I go, you know, listen, in my world, when I read that, I still remember being like, what, in the fifth grade, sixth grade, when you hear about the Holocaust. And it bothered me. Like, it just bothered me. Then I think about the American Indian and what they did to them. That's why I told my daughter, listen, in my world, the Indians could do whatever the fuck they want, and the Jews could do whatever the fuck they want. They could shoot as many people. Hamas, Puerto Ricans, Cubans go. Because they got thrown through walls. And for years, I was like, nobody stuck up for them. Nobody went over there with a fucking missile and dropped it on fucking German. What the fuck was going on?

[Rachel Feinstein]

Oh, yeah, nobody did that.

[Joey Diaz]

Is the. I have never done a. I mean, I'll torture him with Auschwitz jokes and shit, but on stage, I won't make an Auschwitz joke and I won't make an abortion joke.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Right.

[Joey Diaz]

Two things.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Why abortion? What is it about abortion that makes you mistake? You don't want to do it. Yeah, yeah, you're gonna cringe.

[Joey Diaz]

A woman, you know, maybe she had an abortion. She hooked up with a Chinese guy with one leg, and she's.

[Rachel Feinstein]

You know, I was, like, so touched. And that was a hilarious thing to follow up with. I was like, I have a sensitivity.

[Lee Syed]

That was just.

[Joey Diaz]

For me, that was just. Was sure.

[Rachel Feinstein]

That was your line of what you felt uncomfortable with.

[Joey Diaz]

Not gonna do an abortion joke. I mean, I make fun of Catholics all day. No abortion jokes and no Holocaust jokes. It just.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Do you know what I was jealous of with Catholics confessing? Like, I was just like, it seems so satisfying to just go and confess all. Everything, and then you're just done with it. Did you like confessing or was it.

[Joey Diaz]

Like, yeah, but if I knew what I knew. Now I go in there and make up shit. You know what I'm saying? Like, to really get them going. I killed two people at the fucking seventh grade last week just to make them read the paper and shit. Like, you gotta lie to the motherfucker. As I got older, I'm like, I never did that as a kid. Because I was always very. When I was a kid, I believed in it.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

I go in there and tell them, Stu, you know, I shoplift. You didn't listen to your mother. You know, you looked at a Playboy magazine or something.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Would you have, like, your worst thing you did? But then you would just say. Would you say the real things that you did or would you have like. I heard that Catholics have like. Like, they have, like, the foil thing they say and not the real stuff. Yeah. Instead of saying, I killed a prostitute, they're just like, I didn't listen to my mom or something.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, I was pretty honest with the guy.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And then one day I'm like, fuck him. You know what? I got to tell him my shit for. You better tell me some fucking stories of what you did, and I'll tell you where the fuck I'm coming from.

[Rachel Feinstein]

That's a good point, actually.

[Joey Diaz]

After a while, I was like, why am I. And then now I'm like. Like, I wish I'd go in there now and tell them, like, listen, I'm the one that's killing all the women in New York City.

[Rachel Feinstein]

That is the funniest idea ever. That would be a great sketch. To just go in and start admitting to different murders.

[Joey Diaz]

That would be a great.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Killed a few pros, it killed a few coeds, but besides that, it's been a solid week.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. You know, and let's test his moral. Fucking whatever. Let's see if he fucking watches you. And called 91 1.

[Rachel Feinstein]

But it just seemed like. It just seemed like a very cleansing and neat thing. And I hear a lot of Catholics, they. They have bad memories associated with confessing, but for me, it was like, I used to make my brother hold up the sheet and stuff, and so I would confess in between. It just seemed like very satisfying. You just get rid of everything bad you did and start all over again with more filth the following week. Right.

[Joey Diaz]

Well, that's what I did. Yeah. But there wasn't that much to tell at that age, you know, There wasn't much when I was really into it.

[Lee Syed]

But aren't you supposed to say, like, I took the Lord's name in vain? Like, that's. And now you're talking about murders.

[Joey Diaz]

That's every day. That's why. Like, goddamn. Or something like that. Yeah. You can't. Yeah, No, I was never really. I just took it as a. I was raised really Catholic. Like, that's what. To a certain age, it still fucks with me.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Like, the guilt.

[Joey Diaz]

The guilt. It still fucks with me to a certain age.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And then Cuba is a Catholic fucking country. So, like, Thursday nights, when most kids on. What's that week? Holy Week, My week ended on Wednesday. Thursday, there's no music, there's no tv. Friday, there's no music. There's no TV till fucking Saturday.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Wait, this is just like the Jews. Yeah, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

No tv, no music, though. That's torture. When you're eight, you're like, fuck Jesus.

[Rachel Feinstein]

You know what I'm saying?

[Joey Diaz]

I'm missing Batman like a motherfucker. Cause Jesus died. That's nothing to do with me.

[Lee Syed]

Well, you went to boarding school.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah, I went to boarding school. That is. Was that traumatizing?

[Joey Diaz]

Traumatizing?

[Rachel Feinstein]

Like, the boarding school sounds terrifying to me.

[Joey Diaz]

If it was just regular boarding school, like military or something, it wouldn't have been so bad.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Do you think that if you didn't go to boarding school. I mean, obviously you're a great, incredible comic, but if you think if you didn't go to boarding school, you would have been traumatized enough to be a comic.

[Joey Diaz]

I would have been traumatized by just a life we were living. That's why my mom put me in boarding school. So I'd have to see the shit that those animals were fucking living through.

[Rachel Feinstein]

So she did it to protect you?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. Cause there was a lot of shit going on then. So when I came out then, I still stuck to the rules. But once I smoked pot, I'm like, sorry, God, it ain't gonna work. I think that, you know, I listened to your book. I read it. I mean, I'm the type of guy that if I go to church, even now I look at the 12 stations of the cross, I get really sad. Like, I cry in church and I'll, like, wipe it to you. That's why I couldn't get high and go to church, because I get so depressed yeah, in church. Just seeing the 12 sides. Lee, stop yawning. Goddamn, am I yawning?

[Lee Syed]

I'm about to puke.

[Joey Diaz]

Are you.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Are you really?

[Lee Syed]

No, I'm okay.

[Joey Diaz]

There was two little grams of mushrooms.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Listen, not in the middle.

[Lee Syed]

No, I won't.

[Joey Diaz]

Make a little bucket.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah, have some water here. No, you need to drink. You're not drinking enough. Have some water and have, like, an Advil or something. And you need a little snack, like a bar or something. I don't know. You needed a little something.

[Joey Diaz]

He was happy eating meatballs, jumping up and down. No, it's really weird how. It was just traumatizing how the nuns treated us like that. Wouldn't have been accepted today. But it was the 70s. That's what your parents wanted. A nun to bat you in the head and make sure you ate all your string beans. I fucking hated string beans. So they would beat me for that for not eating string beans.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Like, what the fuck can you imagine? I mean, what level of heightened twat do you have to be to beat a kid for not eating string beans?

[Joey Diaz]

And they fucking turn that ring around and give you backhands and shit.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

So, yeah, it was not. It was not fucking. And now I go to church and it's like, it ain't even the same church that I grew up in. They got a gay singer. What the fuck do you. Eight in the morning with a scarf around his neck.

[Rachel Feinstein]

When you. When you.

[Joey Diaz]

The. Is he doing? Singing?

[Rachel Feinstein]

What are. What is it? Wait, you don't want the gay guy to sing?

[Joey Diaz]

I don't mind if he sings, but what's he doing here at seven in the morning? He should be somewhere stitching up his asshole for the night before. If he's a real gay guy, you know, he should be there with the St. Bernard.

[Rachel Feinstein]

He's real. But what are the stations? I know I should know these things, but what are the stations?

[Joey Diaz]

Like, it's like, what happened on Thursday. They came to get him and then they take them. Then they judge. A Pontius judged him.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Oh, I thought it was like, levels of sin. How dumb is that? I thought I was like, oh, if you get a hand job, that's like the first station.

[Lee Syed]

Well, they don't tell us. Like I was telling Joey last week. It was, what's the. The before Easter with the. On the forehead.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Lee Syed]

I grew up in Massachusetts and around a lot of Catholics, but they didn't take off from school to do it. And I'm Jewish. I went to school in Boston. I was 19 years old, before I was walking around being like, why does everyone have dirty stuff on their head?

[Rachel Feinstein]

I would think that, too. I didn't know. One time I got a babysitter, and she was very religious, and she was like, oh, do you mind if I give your kid. She was gonna bring my kid to church, and it was Ash Wednesday. And I was like, oh. And then she. She smeared my kid. She put the schmutz on my. On my girl. Yeah. She was like, I didn't. But also, I kind of feel like that's a second question. I was like, sure, you could bring her to church. But she didn't ask if she could schmutz or put schmutz on her. But she did. But it's okay, because I like Catholics.

[Joey Diaz]

Deal. I believed. I really do. And today I really believe. Because who else would give me a fucking baby at 50 years old?

[Rachel Feinstein]

Right?

[Joey Diaz]

You know what I'm saying? Like, just to get. Get everything out. Like, when I sit there and look at it, I go, what the. This just didn't come from the. Somebody knew I was hurting.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

So, boom.

[Rachel Feinstein]

And then did you feel like you started over when you had the baby? Like, your life. No.

[Joey Diaz]

I go to church now, and I'm like, I ain't doing this.

[Rachel Feinstein]

You look at me, Diane Sawyer over here with my dub question. Did you feel like that was a turning over? Like, shut up. I didn't go to college. And look at me interviewing him, like. And was that your pivotal.

[Joey Diaz]

There's so many things that bother me about churches. Cause it's not even real.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And my wife said something. She goes, one day, your daughter got sick at church. Nobody turned to help her. And I'm like, fuck that place. We're not going back there again.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah, I know. That's interesting.

[Joey Diaz]

And she even tried her religion, that country shit. You know, where they stand around. I don't fucking know. And she was like, those people are fucking weird, too. It's not.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Wait, like, Quaker. What country? Oh, like Baptist. The talking in tubs and all that.

[Joey Diaz]

Lady gets a heart attack, like, you know. Yeah, whatever.

[Rachel Feinstein]

No, that is hilarious. The talking in tongue stuff is ridiculous.

[Lee Syed]

That's crazy.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Do you think that they're. When people are doing that? Like, that they're fully experiencing it? Like. Or they think they are, or do you think people go in there and just, like, fake it to get people off their backs?

[Joey Diaz]

They fake it. It's like when you see people healed and also the guy's playing the drugs. He's been at home for eight years. In a coma. And all of a sudden this fucking charlatan comes over, hits him with the Bible, and the guy gets up and he's singing dance tunes and shit.

[Rachel Feinstein]

It also just seems like exhausting. Like it's exhausting enough to have to get up and sit down. I don't know if that's true in church and temple, right? We always have to stand up and sit down. That's annoying enough. Imagine if you had to just go around like, you know, chirping and screaming and all manner nonsense.

[Joey Diaz]

What Jesus would want a fucking fat nun to smack a kid? Yeah, like, I started thinking like that. Like, what Jesus? Jesus. Told you you could smack me, you little fat fucking.

[Rachel Feinstein]

No, that's insane. Is your wife religious?

[Joey Diaz]

She was also.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I feel like there's a difference between church and religion. Like, I feel like there is. You know, I mean, I do think a lot of evil shit.

[Joey Diaz]

I was a little turned off at the church and I got to be honest with you, I was like, you know what? What am I gonna do? And I go, you know what? I don't know if you know this. You're Catholic, right? If you don't go to church on Sundays, it's a mortal sin. And if you kill your wife, it's a mortal sin. And I'm even like, there was so many gaps in it that I didn't like, like, we gotta rewrite this motherfucker.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah. And it's the same level of sin as missing church and killing your wife, this motherfucker.

[Joey Diaz]

Like, now the church says you don't have to eat fish on Friday. I don't give a shit up for Lent because I don't know how I'm gonna feel tomorrow. Yeah, but I wanna eat fish the whole Lent. How's that? We'll make a deal. I'll eat fish on Friday. I'll make sure I'll just eat fish on Fridays. That's the most I can give you. But for me to say I'm giving up chocolate, I'm giving up espresso martinis. Nah, nah, nah. I don't even drink espresso martinis.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I was gonna say, you want to keep your options open.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, you want to keep your options open.

[Rachel Feinstein]

You know, these ladies have said, we're.

[Joey Diaz]

Not gonna fuck during Trump. Good, let's see how that works out for you. Nobody ever wanted to you anyway. Now you're just making it easier for yourself.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Now it is funny when a woman will take herself off the table and everyone's like, we were already. We were set yeah, you know, it's.

[Joey Diaz]

Just religion is great to a degree. And then you have to ask the people, what the fuck are we doing here? Yeah, so religion is me coming in here and giving me half of my salary. What fucking religion is that?

[Rachel Feinstein]

Right?

[Joey Diaz]

You're supposed to give me something. I know you want me to keep the lights turned on, and I'll agree to that with you, but meanwhile, you're driving a Cadillac or a BMW. No, that's why I don't. That's why I don't donate to causes. I'd rather give somebody the cash directly.

[Rachel Feinstein]

So you actually know where it's coming to.

[Joey Diaz]

American Heart Association. The two people are driving fucking cigarettes. Whatever. The two presidents are driving Bentleys. And everybody else gets. When you donate, if you read the fine print, they're only supposed to get, like 17%. And the rest is. What do they call it?

[Lee Syed]

Administrative.

[Joey Diaz]

Administrative. Go fuck. How many administrators you got?

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah, how many pieces of all that, too?

[Joey Diaz]

Phil donated 20 bucks by. That's the shit that pissed me off. So something happens, like with the fires. Let me tell you something. They've had so many benefits for this, for these LA fires. And the bestes with three comics that don't draw, and the proceeds go to the fucking fire. Listen, they're never gonna build the house if you keep doing shows.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Well, also, I don't understand why they don't. I feel like people should put them right to the. To the victims and their gofundmes in there. But then, like, some people, some stuff where they're like, oh, we've got free skin care. I'm like, they need a fucking house. They don't need powder. Yeah. Like, they'll be like, oh, free spray cans for anyone that was affected by the fires.

[Joey Diaz]

And prove me wrong, New Orleans, Katrina. That mayor went to jail for 10 fucking years for dipping into all that money. It's just guys, they steal everything.

[Rachel Feinstein]

You can always tell by, like, how pretentious somebody is by what they decided to give during the fires.

[Joey Diaz]

Sometimes people have, like, a benefit to come over their homes, like, you know, to support. Get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here. I'm not. My wife said that to me one time. Maybe you should do it. No, get them out of here.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Wait, like in the home?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. Like, what do those people do? Not presentations when they come over.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Sell Tupperware?

[Joey Diaz]

No, that stupid shit. Like, even the mayor this year, the fucking guy wants 2000 to go to his party. Like, who the Fuck are you?

[Rachel Feinstein]

2000.

[Joey Diaz]

Do you know what five Chinese women will do to me with a sticky hand. Do you have any idea what I could do for 5,000? For $2,000?

[Rachel Feinstein]

I don't. I want you to explain it.

[Joey Diaz]

Well, it's. It's a nice time. Trust me.

[Rachel Feinstein]

How many hand jobs can you get for $5,000, Papa?

[Joey Diaz]

I don't want a hand job.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Great giving bedtime story.

[Joey Diaz]

Just like I'm dying to do bedtime. I love all that. I love all that. Let's take a minute here. Lee has to pee or throw up. When I talk to you about.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I know he is unwell.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, look at him.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Do you have any idea what state you're in right now?

[Joey Diaz]

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[Rachel Feinstein]

Thank you.

[Joey Diaz]

What else you got for me?

[Rachel Feinstein]

Thanks for having me.

[Joey Diaz]

Absolutely. Always.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Oh, God, it's good to be here. I bombed so bad once near here. In the middle of my show, this guy just stood up. I think it was at a high school. I don't remember the name of it. I. This guy stood up. I was wearing overalls. And he just goes, get off the stage. Super Mario Brothers. And I threw those overalls in a trash after. You know, you're just like G. You.

[Lee Syed]

Were talking about in your special. Someone threw a pizza, a piece of pizza at you.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yes. I've had snacks thrown at me. I've had bottles. Somebody threw me a note that told me to go back to the kitchen. I feel like at that time, if they had seen me in the kitchen, they wouldn't have wanted me to return there. But, yeah, I've had a lot of things hurled at me on stage.

[Lee Syed]

Someone threw a pepperoni at me once. And that's. Yeah, yeah, I was. It was at the dojo in la. I made a A bad joke about her being transgender, but she was. If you know the LA comedy scene at the time, she's the one. She's beautiful. She came to all the com. To every kill.

[Joey Diaz]

Was she really a woman or was. She was.

[Lee Syed]

No, originally, she was born a man, but she was hot and I made it. The other comics were fucking with her. I was like a year in a stand up and I said, like, you ladies are fucking up. The hottest girl in here has a dick. And the audience loved it. She didn't think it was that funny. She threw a piece of pepper on her.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah, she threw pepperoni.

[Lee Syed]

Yeah, she called me. I was about 100 plus pounds heavier too. So she called me. What's the guy from Always Sunny Taco at me.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah.

[Lee Syed]

Danny DeVito.

[Rachel Feinstein]

It was a taco, though. It wasn't pizza, it was a soft taco, but.

[Lee Syed]

Oh, okay, that's not bad.

[Rachel Feinstein]

There's kind of a sadness to the way a taco sort of falls off your tittage, though. Sort of a dumb moment. But I definitely had a lot of things hurled at me before.

[Joey Diaz]

I can't believe that people would throw shit at a woman on stage. I just. I can't believe that shit. You know, that. And since I started comedy, I thought women were funny. I've always thought women were funny. I mean, I grew up on Lucille fucking Ball.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And the other chick. I have always thought women are funny. And for years people kept saying that. That idiot that got fired from Letterman for saying women aren't funny. I know.

[Rachel Feinstein]

You said that. Yeah. People do still say that. Even when you get a compliment after a show, they'll be like. And honestly, a lot of women say it too. They'll be like, I usually hate female comedians, but you're good. They're usually like, yeah, usually. And then, then whenever they have, like a female comic tour, they would always make it be called, like, pumps and punch lines or like Bleeding across America or something. Like, it could never just be like, they have tits. But then they also do comedy and there was just some with like a you do the math expression. I'm like, we just do stand up. Why do you have to keep, like, what, tits and guys? How would it possibly work? Yeah, I don't know why that always happens.

[Lee Syed]

What are they getting so upset about? Like what? Like, because I just saw your special on Netflix and it was mostly about your husband. What were you talking about before that they get so upset about?

[Rachel Feinstein]

I don't think it was like, me specifically, honestly, when I had a soft taco thrown at me. I honestly think I was performing at the. I'm not name dropping, but I was performing at the Culinary Academy of Vegas because obviously I'd made it in show business. And I think they just wanted to microwave something. And the microwave was behind me. I think I was an impediment to the microwave. Some bitch wanted to microwave like a Hot Pocket and she told her boyfriend to throw a taco at me because I was like standing in front of the Hot Pocket station. Yeah. I don't think it was like, I'm so controversial that I make people question things. No, I think it was just like I was in the way of them. Yeah. Their taco station in Miami, they would.

[Joey Diaz]

Throw fucking chicken wings on Black Knight and they would throw me when I. Black chicks. You're black and you're throwing them at black chicks? I never understood that.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Did you have a wing thrown at you?

[Joey Diaz]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That shit ended in four years into comedy. Somebody came up at the stage and I hit him with the microphone. Did you remember that too? Batteries were everywhere. Blood. I don't give a fuck suit a club. I got off the stage and got my steak and left like nothing happened. Fuck you. You're gonna come fuck with us on stage. That's a security problem.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And what security wanted? Well, a lot of clubs don't want to pay and they want to sit behind the thing. So.

[Rachel Feinstein]

See, I'm not like a big guy. What do I do if somebody attack? I just go, you obviously don't know who my father is. And then I just run. He's how he Feinstein, you see a little Tom, he's a lawyer, and they just run out the building.

[Joey Diaz]

Kick them in the balls as hard as you can and run.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah, it's a good point.

[Joey Diaz]

That's what girls got. Kick them real. They're not even gonna expect a look. And they look. Yeah, what's that? Midnight run with De Niro and that dude. That's how he would always get away from the guy. And the guy would turn, he'd hit him. You know, they don't know.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah, nobody's afraid of my little Jew fist. I have a wind up move that does not scare people. Nobody cares about a little gist like this. I've got nothing. I've never been in a fight in my life. We don't fight. We get, you know, we litigate.

[Joey Diaz]

You litigate. And there's smarter ways to fucking do it. Yeah, but I never understood that, how people could just throw A chicken wing on a woman on stage. Or even myself. I had one problem when I shot my first special for fucking Ceso. See? So whatever the fuck, there was a listen. You ever go to a show. Well, not you because you're a woman, but let's say like Joe Rogan, he had like, when he was on news radio, there was, yeah. Thirty women in the front row. But there's always that one husband that has to come. He ain't funny, him. Then why are you coming? Sit at home with your friend. I'm coming. And they come and they sit there the whole night. The girls are laughing. He's the husband that's just. You've seen that.

[Rachel Feinstein]

You see that again and again. You always see some guy who looks backed up because, like, his white, he hasn't gotten laid with his wife in the last year or so. And then she's laughing at this comic and so he thinks that equates to he's never going to be inside of her or something. And I'm like, why did you not. Why did you not bring her to that comedy club in the first place?

[Joey Diaz]

See these guys?

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah. They just frown and glare at you. Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Look at the wives. He's not funny. Okay. Okay.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Whereas I feel like a female comedian does the opposite for a man. We're like a cyst. We do the opposite of. Because there's not like no guys. Like, if I could just get better female comics. So I feel like we make your wife look nicer. Like, I feel like there's a lot of couples that walk away from my shows and they're like, you know what? I got a good lady at home, you know, that's funny. Like, I don't rub her knee enough. They just see me just this loud ass bitch, you know, just yammering about God knows what. I mean. Yeah. My husband, clearly, he's a chief now. He should have married like an esthetician or a nurse. I'm just out here talking out of turn. He doesn't need this hassle in his life. Pretty soon, play this tape and I'll have left me for some nurse named Gina. Which is what he should have done in the first.

[Joey Diaz]

I love funny women. Like, I've never been that uptight on stage. I had a friend once, there was. There used to be a comic in la. She was a female Sam Kenison. She was fucking funny.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

I mean, she was at the store for years. She didn't travel. She had four kids.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

But I saw a lot of people struggle behind that and Guys, egos.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Would not. And I saw. Well, I had two instances. I saw her blow away Nick the Apollo.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Wow.

[Joey Diaz]

Nick the Apollo.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Because Nick crushes. Used to crush. Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Fucking take it.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Did he laugh? Did he get angry?

[Joey Diaz]

He took her hand when she brought him up and pushed her hand and.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Oh my God.

[Joey Diaz]

That's the last time he performed at the store because Mitchie was in the room. But another time she was in Lawyer.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And I was doing something in San Diego. So that day I went to the club and I saw the feature act. He was a good guy. And I remember going for Chinese food and I go, so, who's closing tonight? He's like, me. And I go, dog, you better be careful with this fucking chick. You better be real. Even me would say, you better be careful because Saturday night, it's date night.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Let's throw it around a little bit.

[Joey Diaz]

Let's flip it. Let's think about your common sense. Do you really want to go up there? If she gets a good one going as a feature act, you're done. Yeah, why don't you just end it? Go up there, do your 30, get in the car and go home and let her just. No, no. So that's what happened. Early show Friday. She destroyed second the rest of the weekend. She had a feature and he was not happy about it. I remember seeing him that day, I was, fuck off. Then they start making excuses. She was dirty. She.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I opened for this guy once and I had like a really good set before him. I don't even know who he was because it was like a road guy from years and years ago. And after he got off, he goes, you don't have to say all those things. And he gave me like a soft face. Rake. He was like, shh, you don't have to say all that, sweetheart. Don't tuck me in because I fucking killed before.

[Joey Diaz]

You killed. But yeah, when a woman starts killing because you got to think, Saturday night is date night. Yeah, you want to play that ego thing. I just want them to watch a good show.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Right.

[Joey Diaz]

For years I always brought a women feature.

[Rachel Feinstein]

No, you were always really nice to me because, I mean, I only met you once. But many, many years ago I auditioned for Mitzi and you were really sweet to me afterwards, like, I didn't know anybody in la. I was staying at my elderly aunt's house who was like an hour and a half away. I was still a full time nanny and I was just so nervous about my audition for Mitzi and she passed me, but I just didn't really have the money to go back to New York to LA and keep, you know, playing there. And. And I think I didn't. I didn't really know what it meant, you know, like, I didn't understand the whole system. And, yeah, I would go around with, like, you know, and I would just. It was so embarrassing. I would just go around with like a. Like, I didn't know any better. I'd go around with, like, a business card and, like, handed to people, and people are just like, no one needs this but you. You were like. I was like, what does that mean? And you were like, it's good, she likes you. You did something interesting. And. Yeah, you were very kind to me. Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Store on Sunday nights.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And the women, when they go up there. And, I mean, there was women there, you know, again, trying to be movie stars, but she looked at comics.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Mitchie didn't look at you as a pretty chick. She looked at you for being funny. That's why you saw women from all shapes and sizes up there.

[Rachel Feinstein]

But when I was in la, I always felt, like, insane, just because I'm just, like, such an east coast person. And they would. And I would get extra nervous there, and people could smell it on you when you're from New York and la. Like, I would just go into a store and try to do the smallest thing. Like, I remember going into, like, ordering, like, cheese at, like, a. Like a deli type place. And they were just like, oh, you're from the East Coast. Like, they could just hear it right away because I just have that. I'm a lot, you know, and I don't realize I'm a lot, you know, and they were like, okay. Like, they were just like, yeah. You know, like, I don't have that, like, kind of conversation before the conversation in my mind, like, immediacy is politeness. So I just come in and I'm like, can I have that? Like. And they're just like, whoa, settle the down. Yeah. Like, this guy's just been napping on the beach all afternoon. He's like, yeah, take some mushrooms. Why are you in a rush? But I. So there's that feeling when I see somebody that's from the east coast in New York. It's like, I'm like. I mean, in la, like, it's like handlebars. I'm like, oh, okay. You were nice to me. And you're like, I get you, you.

[Joey Diaz]

Know, like, watch all the auditions. That's why I took that job, because I could talk to her. I could sit next to her, like if I didn't know you, but I could sit next to her. So when people. When she was watching you, somebody couldn't come over and go, hi, Mitts.

[Rachel Feinstein]

And interrupt her. Oh, so you would, like, protect her.

[Joey Diaz]

That's cool. So I sat next to her. So nobody, if a friend of mine was showcasing, they would get 100% attention from her. The same thing for me when I showcased. Eddie Griffin sat down next door and he told me, he goes, I didn't want no in here talking to her while you were on stage. Because that's what you do. You sit next to her. And when people come over, hi, Mitzi. Get the fuck out of here.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah, not now. Yeah, I remember being in, like. I remember I got, like, close to getting. I don't know what was that show. And they brought in Loving In Living Color back. And I was like, you know, about to be on it, but, like, I got to, like, the top five. But I didn't get the show. I don't know what year it was. It was at least 10 years ago. It was a while ago.

[Joey Diaz]

I had my phone out when my space was popular. I went to an audition one day and I knew this woman. She had put me in a lot of roles. Very nice. I have her phone number on there because she called me a couple years ago. She goes, you haven't come in to audition. I go, I'm in Jersey. And she goes, oh, my God, I'm so happy. But she asked me if I knew you, and I'm like, I don't know no Rachel Feinstein.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Well, I did meet you many years ago, and you were nice to me.

[Joey Diaz]

Facebook, MySpace.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And I sent you a thing that said, really? Somebody wants you to audition. I forget what her name is now.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Oh, that's so cool.

[Joey Diaz]

I mean, I knew it when she was single and hot to try not. She's got, like, four daughters. That's how long I was out there.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

So she asked me, and I would always, you know, she would always, like, ask me what I thought. What do you think about this girl? So when she came to you, I'm like, I don't know no Rachel Feinstein.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And she. At the store, and they're like, n New York. And I. My MySpace. I never heard back.

[Rachel Feinstein]

And maybe definitely didn't see that message because that would have been like Christmas morning for me. I would have been so excited. But I. I remember being out there. But you were nice to me. I don't. I talked to you at the store. And you were. You could tell that I didn't know what the fuck was going on around me. You're like, she needs a little guidance right now. And you, like, explained a few things to me and you were nice to me. And I think earlier that day, I had done some. Some audition out there, and I was really nervous for it. And, like, in. In la, like, they have these auditions that are like. They're like, their office is also kind of like their living room. Like, everything's blended together in New York. Everything's separate. It's like, you have your office and you have your house. Like, I just didn't understand what the fuck was going on. I was like, there's a bunch of bitches on couches, but it's like California. They're, like, cozying up. There was a fucking dog in my audition, you know, Like, I'm like, what's. I practiced this audition for, like, a month. Like, I was so nervous about it. I was teaching my house, myself how to, like, weep on camera. It was an emotional scene. I'm in the middle of auditioning, and the dog just starts sniffing my dumb crotch. And I'm like, this is my moment, you know? She's like, don't worry about Zoe. She's. This. This just means she likes you. It's like, yeah, your dog can't just, like, eat me out. During the audition, I had to get through this. Yeah. And I was. But that would be like, what would happen in la? Like, I just didn't understand the vibe. I'm like, people either like, here it's like, you work out or you don't. There. It's like, we're gonna have a meandering hike, and you know what I mean? And just like. And read each other's auras. And I'm like, no, I want to go to the gym for 30 minutes and be furious the entire time and then go back. Back home again. I want to go to a New York sports club and just play some kind of music that infuriates me and be done with it. Like, I don't understand this. Like, we're half hiking, but, you know, we're also doing spiritual, like, you know, rock. Work on each other or something. I'm like, yeah, I want to work out or read each other's signs.

[Joey Diaz]

You were the audition.

[Rachel Feinstein]

You.

[Joey Diaz]

Yes, to death. Really? I love to call. Get yoga with goats.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah. But the dog was going down on me. It was really distracting.

[Joey Diaz]

I love to do a Monroe, book me the job. And I'll do whatever the fuck you want me to do. I'll get the dogs, the whole fucking thing. But until then, let's just get the job going in la. And I noticed that in New York I went to three auditions in the city. They were all in hotel rooms, right? They were always in somebody's. One time I went and I saw fucking a hotel room. Yeah, a really good looking dude from. He's married to Victoria the soccer player. Beckham.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Oh yeah, he was staying at the hotel.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm like, what the fuck are you doing there? Staying here, dog. I'm rocking the house.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I went to an audition once where they asked me. When I got to the audition, they asked me it was for some like independent film network or something. And I was just doing that, just bullshitting. I didn't know about independent film. I knew nothing. I was a deep. And I feel like also I get. I get credit for having more information because I'm like sarcastic and Jewish, but I'm like, I didn't go to college. Like, I don't know. You're. You're. I don't know, you're like art film. So we're in the middle of the. The audition and lady was like, why don't you tell me some of the film? But I was being funny. So I was kind of getting close to getting it. Like they liked me. And then she's like, why don't you tell me the films that have most inspired you? Like the indie films that really changed the course of your life. And I was like, you can't say. Like, I couldn't be like Caddyshack, you know, the Love Bug.

[Lee Syed]

That's what I did. I went to Emerson and it sucked because everyone was like, oh, my favorite film is. It was that French one. God can't. It doesn't matter. It was in French and I was like, I liked Angerman.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Like, I feel like all those art clubs. It was like the Boy in the Red Balloon or some shit. And I was like coming to America, you know, Like, I don't know. So. So I said, I remember that. I go, there was an actor. There was a movie with Diane Lane. And it was like, I don't even know if it was an independent film, but it was a movie where she. I think she has an affair on her husband and she is. I think it's unfaithful or something. Yeah, Richard Gere, right?

[Joey Diaz]

Richard Gere plays Osmond.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I loved that film. And the guy in the film, I can't remember his name, but they Said, what are your. Your favorite independent actors? And I said, gabriel Garcia Marquez. They said, if you could be with one man, like, one independent, like, you know, actor in a movie, like, you know, who's the sexiest one to you? But I didn't remember the guy's name and unfaithful. So I said, gabriel Garcia Marquez, who apparently is like, some elder author that wrote like, 100 Years of Solitude. He was like 96 or something. And they just looked at me like, this girl doesn't know what the fuck she's talking about right now. I was like, oh, you know who. If I could have. Have 24 hours, no questions asked, you know, who could really punish me? And I was like, Gabriel Garcia. And they're like, I think he. He's. Are you sure you know what you're saying right now? They're like, because he's dying. And I believe he's 97 right now. They're like, yeah, he has colon cancer. Yeah, he could be your grandfather. And I'm like, he can do anything with me. No rules and no apologies. And I just didn't know what the I was talking about about.

[Joey Diaz]

It's crazy, man. That whole world.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah, it is. But, you know, I feel like. I do feel like I feel bad for people that don't do stand up at least, or. Or don't have something they can do immediately. Because it's like, at least with us, no matter what happens, we can go on stage. We can go have fun with our friends and talk some. Like, I'm not sitting around waiting. Like, once that dog was eating me out. I knew. I knew that I wasn't gonna get a call back, but I could go up at the store that night and, like, meet you or have something else exciting happen, you know? So I do feel like it saved me from waiting for this imaginary call from, like, Mr. Hollywood that's gonna put me in the pictures, you know? Cause at the end of the day, like, I could still go have a laugh with some friends, you know, stand up.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't know. Stand up is a fucking wild animal. Then you learn what stand up was till Roseanne was on Larry King Live. And he asked her, he goes, why did you throw the ABC executives out of your criminal Christmas party? And she goes, I'll tell you why. Because none of them knew what the fuck they were talking about. She goes, you gotta remember one thing about comedians. We produce, direct, write. We do it all. We don't even know what we're doing.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I guess you're right.

[Joey Diaz]

But we're doing it all. We do it all. That's when people come up to you, hi, I produce a show at Gotham. Go fuck yourself. Go produce a pillow fight.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Get the fuck out of here.

[Joey Diaz]

Get the fuck out of here. Yeah, I'll fucking produce that.

[Rachel Feinstein]

You're right, we do have to do all of it. And we have to be at. We do have to like develop some level of street smarts too, because we're just hurling our bodies all around the world. Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

No, and even that's, I think that stand up ground you. I mean, a lot of actors got famous and they all went through the store or they did stand, you know, Michael Keaton, Andy Garcia, they all experimented with it just to see where it took them.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And they just moved on. It's the ones that become actors. And then when things get bad, they want to do stand up. I'll smack you in the fucking face. Those people from Saturday Night Live, I love them to death, but they're not stand ups, right? Yeah, they're not standups. And it pisses me off when somebody will say to me, you know who's really funny? This guy. And I'm like, hold on, that's a comedic actor.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

That guy gets cut. Cut. You didn't say the line, right? The line is this, okay? And he has to say it again and all these idiots gotta laugh all over again. No, we don't have that in stand up bitch.

[Rachel Feinstein]

No.

[Joey Diaz]

Okay. They're a comedic actor with standups. It's me, a fucking microphone and bricks. That's it. Fuck your chicken wings. Fuck your nachos. If you watch all those early Richard Pryor fucking albums. Was it something I said the other two that I like that you can't say now? We're, you know.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah. No, I feel like, I feel like when, when people, when I was on the road a lot like, you know, like the year, you know, not some, some, some like years of my life were crazy where there was nobody else waiting for me so I could just be on the road. But I do feel like you also learn what actually makes people laugh. And people will very quickly go to you like, oh, no, no, that's not really funny. It's like I've taken this to the depths of hell and back. Like, and that's when I also realized when people would be like, nobody wants to laugh at that. Nobody's ready for this. Like, I'm like, it's not true. People. You go anywhere and people will laugh at anything. They don't care, you know, like, and that's, that's the one thing that I do feel like people kind of will dismiss stand ups, but I'm just like, we, we know because we go around every pocket of this country and we actually know what people are laughing at today and that they don't, they don't give a. Like, that's why standups were the first person people to know that like the, the woke thing wasn't gonna la. Like, the thing about being worried about everything you're gonna say because at the end of the day, people don't care. You, yeah, you like the. That's writing me a joke about like, how dare you disrespect your husband. He's the hero or whatever. And I'm just like, the firemen are the ones at my show. Like, it's, it's like my show's now 80 firemen who just want me to trash them. Yeah. I'm like, no, they, they don't give a shit. You think they care? They hurl their bodies into burning buildings, come home and punch a wall. You think they're worried about some Jew's joke? Yeah, they don't care. Don't tell me what people care about.

[Joey Diaz]

That's why people ask me all the time, how come you don't go to clubs in the city? I'll tell you why. Because if I walk into one of those clubs and I see those little young pussies cringe, I will knock the out of them and go off. Like, I will go off. You little fucking faggot. Your mother raised a faggot. Look at that. And you can tell. They don't eat egg. They don't eat egg yolks. That's how come they all became pussies. Because this new generation, nobody wants to give them egg yolks. They eat those egg whites.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Why are you eating egg yolks?

[Joey Diaz]

Because egg yolks are one for each fucking nut. That's the way it is. Since you were born, you ate two egg yolks a day, one for each nut. Then some white guy said, no, no, no, no, they're not good for you. Now look outside.

[Rachel Feinstein]

That's amazing.

[Joey Diaz]

Skinny fatigue faggots with the blue shoes and the brown. Look at these young guys. They do little wigs on their head. They're like a. Those are facts. They're. They don't even know they're fags yet. They have no idea.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I do.

[Joey Diaz]

They have no idea.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Egg yolk makes you gay theory is the most amazing thing.

[Joey Diaz]

Just weakens you from the don't you.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Think that gay guys don't give a. Like, you can say anything to gay guys.

[Joey Diaz]

No, anything.

[Rachel Feinstein]

They love it as a crowd in general. I'm just saying, like, gay guys, you usually. They don't get up, give a shot.

[Joey Diaz]

You always said when you start comedy, you always have these things you put in your head. Like, I hated doing comedy for people with white hair.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Right? Right.

[Joey Diaz]

As soon as I saw somebody with white hair, I'm gonna bomb. No, you're not.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Right? No, you do. You have those little things in your head that's in your head.

[Joey Diaz]

I can't say this thing, dog. I saw Andrew Dice Clay light a room full of fags up in fucking Vegas, and they loved it. They were crying, bringing them up in the things. He went up there and told them he was. They're going to build a whole new hotel for you.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I feel most afraid when I'm like. With the time that. That I have been nervous in the past was like. Was like, when. When I'm doing shows in front of, like, old Jews, because I'm like, they are disappointed in me. Like, I am a disappointment to most Jewish fathers. Like, yeah, like, they don't want me out there going rogue like this, talking all this.

[Joey Diaz]

They'll start laughing.

[Rachel Feinstein]

No, I do feel like now I've gotten past it. But, like, I. I think in the beginning, like, I remember when I got. When I did last comic standing and I got eliminated, and I was next to, like, Felipe Esparza, who's a really funny comic, but, like, you know, I didn't know I was going home. First of all, you know, when you, like, don't know you're going home yet. Like, I. I thought I had another show or two with me. So they go, like. They go, like, comics, please step forward. And I was really feeling myself, and I was like, this other comic, Tommy John, again, really funny. I was like, like, tommy, let's do, like, a dumb dance when they tell us to step forward. I was like, I'll do, like, a shimmy. So I was doing a shimmy, and then they told me to leave. I was like, mid shimmy. I'm like, wait, no, I'm not supposed to leave right now. I was like, just doing the dumbest. And. And then I got a million texts. Not like, I'm so sorry they eliminated you. Like, were you just doing a shimmy? And I'm like, no, but ironically. But I do feel like a lot of times, like. Like, when I looked at Felipe's crowds, they had signs for him like, the Latinos come out for their people. You think the Jews were proud of me being up there? They were like, oh, my goodness, it's just too much.

[Joey Diaz]

And the Jews invented this in Auschwitz. They were doing somebody doing stand up, right? They're all getting ready to die. Let me tell you a joke. One time, three Jews and a Nazi walked in. There goes the match, There goes the oven.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I do feel like there's a lot of times there'll be like a Jewish couple on my show. And I don't think they knew that they were going to see me. Like, I feel like they leave and they're like, diane Fine seemed very uptight tonight. I don't know why she's dating that police officer. Like, I feel like a lot of times old Jewish ladies leave my show and they meant to go to a different show. Do you know what I mean? They're like, mamma Mia was supposed to be good, but then we saw that terrible whore.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, well, no, I used to. Oh, I think all comics have. Like, I said I didn't want to talk about abortions or Auschwitz. We also have the same thing for audiences. We always have. Like, I remember going to North Carolina on a. A college run. I was so excited. Oh, my God, Chapel Hill. I hated those motherfuckers afterward. They fucking didn't laugh. They didn't even. I'm like, you're in college. This is shit you laugh at, you little gay.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I do feel like sometimes our colleges, they're really uptight. Yeah, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

This is 15 years ago.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Really? Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Before the wokeness. I don't if I'm 18. All I want to hear about is tits and beer. Right? That's. You know, nobody wants to hear about anything else, you know, when you're 18, 19. I thought not down there, dog. They were like, what the are you talking about? All right, I guess I gotta go.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Wait, what? Also, it's a college's fault if it's college. It books Joey Diaz at a. What the do you guys think? Which college? First of all, that's what I want to know.

[Joey Diaz]

They had a wet T shirt contest at halftime. So they brought up two comics had a wet T shirt contest, and then I followed the wet T shirt contest. So I'm like, I'm in, like, flint. I'm going to go up there and talk about her flapjack titties. Yeah, if you want Indian chicks.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Damn tits, it's on them.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, a titty smells like curry. No, they just stared there like.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I'm like, okay, there was a wet T shirt.

[Joey Diaz]

In between, which, you know, you hate that shit. As a comment, you just want to get back to.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Oh, my God, the worst thing I've ever had to follow. I did a gig once and the woman was like, oh, just so you know, really quick before you go up and she said this. I swear to God, Joey, she said it like it was just an offhanded thing. She goes, oh, so they're all ready for you, and they're just one quick thing. And then you go up and I go, oh, what? What's that? She goes, just a special needs choir singing the Star Spangled Bear, which I would argue she said it offhandedly. Oh, nothing. And that's supposed to be special needs choir singing the Star Spangled Banner. And then you. I would argue that it's better to follow. I'd rather follow Hitler because I can trash Hitler. I can't trash. I'm not gonna make fun of a special needs choir. I would much rather follow Hitler than follow a special needs.

[Joey Diaz]

What was this? Do you remember where this was?

[Rachel Feinstein]

It was. It. It was like at a temple in, I think in Jersey.

[Joey Diaz]

Jewish people.

[Rachel Feinstein]

It was a. Yeah, it was like a temple gig in Jersey. But it wasn't like during the day. It was like an evening, some kind of fundraiser thing or something.

[Joey Diaz]

And, you know, everybody there on a Friday night did not want to see a bunch of little retards.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I think some of them were their parents, so they were like, emotional and weeping. And then they're like, and now keep it going for this trash pig.

[Lee Syed]

Yeah, everyone got it sold to them as the special needs needs choir.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah. And by the way, that the special needs choir was jumping up and down afterwards and hugging each other like they didn't think they could make it through it. So I can't go up. I mean, you can't acknowledge it. Don't you think it's so much better to follow Hitler than a special needs choir?

[Joey Diaz]

It's. It's.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Somebody can make fun of him.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, he's in the Midwest. The Midwest have the goofy things. Yeah, the Midwest always have the people. Before the show, we're going to give a special shout out to all the army people in the area. Well, if you have more than two kids that join the army, this ain't a good town. You know what I'm saying?

[Rachel Feinstein]

Like, yeah, no, they don't send the rich kids to the army. I mean, you're not wrong. Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, when you work the Midwest, you always have those people. Let's Keep it going for the Armed Serpent. Listen, they don't want to hear that. Yeah, just tell me the material.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I know.

[Joey Diaz]

And you always get the one mom and the back. My son's in Kuwait getting beat up as we speak or whatever the fuck.

[Rachel Feinstein]

You're right.

[Joey Diaz]

They don't think about that on his head. You know, I just. I just after a while, you just gotta be honest and go, I'm not coming. Beer no more.

[Rachel Feinstein]

You're not gonna what? Like, what do you mean?

[Joey Diaz]

I don't care how much money they make me or how bad I need it. I'm not coming to Iowa to do comedy no more. There's just a couple states that I know you learned right off the bat. I did a show in Chicago once. Wasn't even Chicago. They told me it was all. Whatever. That's. What's Chicago called? The state? Illinois. Illinois. Whatever the fuck it is. It was at the edge of. It was like the capital of meth.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

During my show, everybody was fucked up. And then when the parents left. There were parents there, huh? It was a Mexican restaurant. They were bringing headliners in once a month. Guys, there's only two planes out of there a day. A day.

[Rachel Feinstein]

This is bringing up gigs I've done because.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, my God.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah, the thing that at a certain point is almost like abuse. Like, it's like I've detached. I. I've gone to some of the darkest places in the world, and you just detach. You're like a child going to a meadow where it's safe while your uncle's abusing you. Like, I'm like, this is bringing up memories for me. I play and it was like, one time. I remember I was on my. It was my birthday and I was on stage, freshly dumped by some guy, lost my suitcase. I was like, in a. Some university sweatshirt of some that owned the club. Then she's like, just so you know, we don't have a sign outside. We lost our sign rights. Like, that's how poor this town was. I'm like, well, how are they going to find the club? I. I don't know. She's like, I'm sorry, Shelly, but they need a sign outside, you know?

[Joey Diaz]

No idea.

[Rachel Feinstein]

On stage, like, 10, nine, eight. Like, how did I not just hang myself? Like, that's when it's like, how did I not just walk into the ocean and drown?

[Joey Diaz]

It's. And the crazy thing is that as a comic, you want to do comedy, but this ain't what you signed up.

[Rachel Feinstein]

No. No one told me any of this? Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

I didn't sign up for that. I thought stardom was something different. Yeah, I thought that, you know, stardom, whatever the it is. I don't know.

[Lee Syed]

Human decency, you know?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, human decency.

[Rachel Feinstein]

That's true.

[Lee Syed]

There's none of it. Why would they.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I played in a laundromat, you guys. I was. People were doing their laundry.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, yeah, I've done laundromats.

[Rachel Feinstein]

You had done laundry machines. Laundry.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah.

[Rachel Feinstein]

The name of the show didn't even have a ring to it. It was like suds and laughs or something. And it was just like a few lonely people doing their laundry and me following them around the laundromat, just bothering them with my dumb act. And then you go home after that and somehow I didn't kill myself. I don't know how. It's anyone's guess.

[Joey Diaz]

I used to go home and cry and do coke. What the am I doing with my life, man?

[Lee Syed]

I love when the door. Doors on stage, so they have to come in through you.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Oh, God, that's the dumbest thing.

[Lee Syed]

That's always my favorite.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I did a gig in Amsterdam where the guy kept, like. They open up the show and they act like the guy could barely make it in. Like, he goes through the kitchen. Like he's, like, skinning on stage, looking at his watch, like, hey, yeah, yay. And then they bring me on stage. I actually had a pretty good set in Amsterdam. The next comic goes up after me. He was bombing so bad, but we were dying laughing because it could have been me. It was just like a.

[Joey Diaz]

Or.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Or a thing, you know, they. He was bombing so bad. They didn't have anything to cut to. They just cut to some Austrian drinking an empty glass.

[Lee Syed]

Oh, they were filming it.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, no.

[Rachel Feinstein]

She was just like.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I mean, you know, you. But I. I was. There was many moments on stage where I was just like, I wish. But I had no backup plan. That was the thing with me neither.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, I know. I said to myself, if this fails, I'm just gonna kill people and sell drugs. Until there was a club in New York, triple in. Do you remember that?

[Rachel Feinstein]

I do.

[Joey Diaz]

The open Mic started at 11. I was in there one night with a suit on, thinking, you know, I'm like a fucking idiot. Like, I'm gonna make it. I'm in New York City and I'm doing comedy for nine people. But I see the chick's hand going up and down. There was a client, she was giving them a handjob with the old triple N. Like, she met A homeless girl.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Are you serious?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Oh, my.

[Joey Diaz]

But then two nights later, I saw Leguizamo go up there and he treated it like it was Madison Square Garden.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yes.

[Joey Diaz]

And that was when I learned, oh, you know, it's just a set, guys.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

But once you see a girl giving a hand job or you're like, I'm not gonna. This is not what Lenny Bruce talked about in his book. No, Lenny Bruce did not talk about. About this in this book. Nobody does. We forget. But then when people bring it up.

[Rachel Feinstein]

That I will say, like, at least with you guys, like, you go off stage and you as comedians on the road, you get laid. Like, do you know what it is to be a female comic on the road? Like, you're just. You're. You might die. Somebody could kill you. The club a lot of times tells your. They. They think it's like a good thing to tell the audience where you're staying. They're like, in all our comics Day at the holiday. And it's great for the guys. They're like, here's where you can come blow me after the show. Or for us. I'm like, oh, yes, stop by, make a suit out of my skin after my 10 o'clock show. I'm already gonna kill myself. I'm in Idaho. Yeah. Like, so I do feel like there's another level of, like, active danger. But I do. You know, you have. I guess it was some combination of not having any other skills for me and also just like, you know, I loved. I loved the Hyatt guy. I loved it. Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

There was no backup plan. And, you know, when you say that, it's easier for comics. They go home. Yeah, we fuck girls, but those girls are a nightmare.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Right?

[Joey Diaz]

Okay.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah. Wait, why was that the moment? Are you.

[Lee Syed]

No, because they are.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, I think about it now.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Were you thinking about some old lay you had 20 years ago?

[Joey Diaz]

No, I think about it now, like, right. All those girls were mentally challenged or some. Something because they would come to a show ready to fuck the comic, Right? Well, again, you're in small towns.

[Rachel Feinstein]

The opposite happens to us. Like, guys will come up to me after show and, like, give me a pound. They'd be like, good shit. Like, they talk to you like you're a man or something. You know, like, not that I would have wanted to hook up with a stranger. I was, you know, but it just like. Just to have somebody like, oh, maybe they'll ask me on a date or something. Nobody's gonna ask the comic that. Yeah, it doesn't happen. Yeah, you're just throbbingly lonely.

[Joey Diaz]

Really hot. And they, they'll stay away from her. Never, ever, ever assume things in their mind. They assume that she's married or whatever, but don't think it's a fucking. I have a thousand stories about those crazy women that came into your room and you're like, why did I let them in my room? Yeah, why now? I wish they could fucking just leave, you know, but.

[Rachel Feinstein]

And then they don't leave. So you've had to.

[Joey Diaz]

You just learn and you're like, that's it. Nobody else is coming in my room no more. I'm going outside and getting a blow job or in the weeds or something like that.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I remember, I think Jimmy once shipped Florentine. We were talking about him before. I can't remember if it was on this now because now at this point I'm kind of drunk. But Jimmy helped me when I first started. And I remember sometimes he would do a thing. I think it was that he would. When he was trying to get laid, he would take all the. Oh, that's what he would do. He would take all the furniture out of his hotel room and put it in his features room so there was nowhere else for the girl to sit but the bed. Imagine Jimmy just moving a coffee table like down the hall at some Lanta just so that.

[Joey Diaz]

You do some creepy things out there, though.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah, no, it's. It's weird on the road. I will say that I hope nobody ever.

[Joey Diaz]

And you know what? Nobody's ever even today. I'm like that chick from Beaumont, Texas, better not call now and say she remembers what happened happened. But none of them.

[Rachel Feinstein]

No kid, no. No pop up kids, no surprise kids, nothing.

[Joey Diaz]

It's just the weirdest thing that I learned so many things about women at the Comedy Store. Like a woman on a fucking date would come and then blow a comic in the bathroom while she was on a date and go back to the table like nothing happened.

[Rachel Feinstein]

God damn it. He probably was a hack too. If I could, I'd be the Robin Hood of pussy and take it away from some of these hacks and give it to the. Give it to the good writers.

[Joey Diaz]

Probably was a. Yeah, it's a really weird. Listen, you got to be crazy to do stand up.

[Rachel Feinstein]

You have to be insane. Obviously I'm unwell. But also I also feel like a lot of times like I would be opening for a guy. I don't know if you ever had this experience or like some guy would be featuring and I would be like, the guy would be the biggest hack, but then he'd be the loveliest, nicest person you've ever met in your life. So you do meet these people that are just mentions. They've been on the road forever. I remember I had like, I was like selling my album after my show, and this guy was opening for me and he was selling stickers that said beaver hunter catch and release program. And let me tell you, they were like flying off like hotcakes. Like he sold every last sticker, you know.

[Lee Syed]

Well, that's what they're, they're for. Like that. They, they, they'll talk. Cuz I'm featuring right now. That's what I do. And they'll talk. They'll be like, oh, I'm sold out of every shirt. And they made $1,600 in shirts and they do.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah, that's gross.

[Lee Syed]

Who would want to. I wouldn't want to have to do that joke to sell that shirt.

[Rachel Feinstein]

And sometimes it'll be the sweetest guy too. Like, you know, he just, he. And you could see the fatigue in his eyes when he was saying it. He's like, I'm a beaver hunter catch and reward police program. Come on, ladies, just $5. Just at the end, you could just see like again, like he was just gonna go back to his room and like, do a line and finalize his divorce. Like, he's just trying to make money, you know?

[Joey Diaz]

Like, I love the road. I love the road.

[Lee Syed]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And then it just. Once I stopped doing drugs, I'm like, I don't want to go on the road no more.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Because I would go on the road to do drugs for, my wife wouldn't know. And I was like, it. Once I got cleaned, I'm like, I don't want to go on the road no more.

[Rachel Feinstein]

What was. I don't know if you've covered the story or if you don't want to talk about it, but what was the, what was like the last thing where you were like, I can't do drugs anymore. Like, what was the thing where you stopped?

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, I was trying to quit for like three years, you know, because I knew I was going into the major leagues. You know, you're going into the major leagues, you can't bring this shit into you. And.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Right.

[Joey Diaz]

You're in the major leagues. I did that movie for Adam and I really got motivated to quit. And then it was just a thing that happened three days. My friend got cancer and she was in the hospital for a long time. Real dirty comic Comedy Store regular Mitzi loved her. And I went to see her at her house, and she was talking to me, and she goes, you know, God wants me to not do dirty jokes no more. She goes, if I live from this, I'm never going to do a dirty joke again. In the middle of all that, she stopped and she goes, you gotta stop doing coat. And the way she looked at me, she was dying. I knew she was, like a week or two away from dying, but how she looked at me like, you gotta stop doing coke. And I was like. I thought about it and then I had something here. I had the whole weekend here. And they put me up at the. No, what's the hotel off the three where they sell Howard Johnson, where they sell. They sell saltwater taffy and all that. I don't know if it's still there. This is about. Yeah, this is 2007 when this happened. And I remember, like, being excited to come here. And I bought coke that Friday, and I went back to the room and I'm like, you know what? I'm not in the mood to do this. And next day, I got the coke, she died.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm really not doing this package. So it was like, I went back to la, and they had a thing for her at the Comedy Store, like, that Tuesday. And I went. And it was la, so even people who didn't like her were there, like, you know, eating the food.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Sure, of course.

[Lee Syed]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

I saw this one motherfucking producer that I knew she had had problems with, and he's back there eating the food, you know, like nothing. And I said, and I had coke in my pocket. I'm like, I'm not gonna go through this without doing coke. And I remember I got on stage and I was doing some material, and I just stopped and I go, you fucking cocksucker. How dare you come to her fucking wake. Used to talk shit about it. He's like. I go, you're not even funny. You're not even a fucking comedian. He's like. I put. His name was Jeff Valdez, and he was half Jewish, half Mexican, and that was his act. He'd come out with a hat on with, like. He put, like, jingles on a yarmulke and play the guitar.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Oh, God, why does he have a comic?

[Joey Diaz]

And he goes, my name is on the wall. I'm like, that's from sucking dick. His wife was there. Everybody was. I just. I don't like that shit. You don't like somebody in real life, Don't. I'M paying my respect. You don't need to pay your respect. You didn't like him. Get the out of here, you fake. I just drilled into this, and I just said, listen, I'm gonna wrap this up in five minutes. When I get off the stage, if you're still here, I'm gonna you up. And this motherfucker yells, but my attorney's here. I'll him up too, Dog. When I put that mic down, I had 20 comics on me. Like, joey, don't even. He left. They had to leave. And I remember that night, I didn't do the coke. And I was like, fuck. Then that weekend, my wife brought two kittens upstairs and they were gonna die. They had anemia, whatever the fuck it was. And I liked the one, but I didn't like the other motherfucker. The one kitten I didn't like, I'm like, die. But the other one I was sad about, like he was gonna die. And I kept feeding the oatmeal and shit. And I went to bed that night. I was doing coke, and I went to bed that night, and my wife woke me up at 4, and she goes, Demi DJ died. And I was like, close the door. And I go, you know what? This other cat can't die. And I ran to him. I got on my knees and I go, God, if you save this motherfucker, I'll never do coke again. Trust me. I was like Netanyahu. I had my fingers crossed, you know what I'm saying? Behind me, Cease steel. Cease fire. Yeah, sure. I got these motherfuckers. That cat lived. I never did coke again because I made a promise.

[Rachel Feinstein]

That's incredible.

[Joey Diaz]

And it was a promise to God. It was a promise to me as a man that I had to do that. It was time. Like, it was just time. And I tell people all the time, I did so much. I did more in 18 years I did my whole life. I couldn't imagine if I wouldn't have done coke all my life, how much more I would have done.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Do you think you would be alive today if you kept going or. No?

[Joey Diaz]

No, I was no way to die, because I was already getting choked some back. Yeah, I could feel them jolting on my neck and stuff. I knew. And again, I didn't want my wife to find me on the floor. Yeah, there's some people who cut out for that. They find you, they call the ambulance and they move on with their lives. I knew she couldn't handle it. I knew that if she woke up and saw my Little fat feet in the kitchen.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

She wouldn't have made it. That would have been rough for us. I was like, I'm saving her life. I'm, you know, saving my own. And that cat lived. And I got a fucking chain of that cat in my car.

[Rachel Feinstein]

That's such a beautiful thing that somebody.

[Joey Diaz]

Made me from that cat.

[Rachel Feinstein]

And I bet you anything, you know, you telling that story will really, really help somebody. You never know who your story is gonna help. It's.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, man, we make promise. I was in jail.

[Rachel Feinstein]

It's a powerful story.

[Joey Diaz]

I was looking at 48 years, and that wouldn't stop me from snorting coke. I would take furloughs to get an ounce of coke, knowing they were gonna test me on money one day. And then I have to drink vinegar.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And put dreidel on my dick, you know?

[Rachel Feinstein]

To amazing, please.

[Joey Diaz]

You have no idea. So it was just over. Like, one day. It just says, you know, one day.

[Rachel Feinstein]

You'Re like, I took this to the plate. Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And you knew something in your knew it wasn't God. It wasn't anything. At one point in your life as a man, as a woman, you got to go. This is over today.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah, it's over. It's a wrap today.

[Joey Diaz]

There's no coming back. There's no. Well, I relapse. No, there's nothing. You're a fucking man, bitch. You know? And now you got these people. I'm clean for 90 days. Drinking water. I'll smack you. You weren't even supposed to do drugs.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Why are you so proud of yourself, Lee? All right.

[Lee Syed]

I'm fine.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm fine.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Lee is. Does not know where he is right now.

[Lee Syed]

The whole time.

[Rachel Feinstein]

You'Ve. Every hour, it's almost jarring because I'm like, oh, wait, he is here. Is he okay?

[Lee Syed]

I'm fine.

[Joey Diaz]

It's just really weird what you. The. You got to put up with people now. The stories and the.

[Rachel Feinstein]

No.

[Joey Diaz]

And you're like, it's that easy. Either you want it or you don't.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

What's it gonna be? What's it gonna be? It's that easy. But people, you know, want to do nine rehabs. If you're not ready to stop, you're not gonna stop.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Something in you knows, look at these.

[Joey Diaz]

Idiots go to jail. And what happened in jail, they all get the Bible. Oh, the Lord fucking two feet off that fence. That Bible goes up in the air once their homies come to pick them up and they smell the Bible.

[Rachel Feinstein]

At the end of the day, you're ready or you're not. Whether it's your dreidel dick theory or a fun loving kitten, you're gonna fucking be ready when you're ready. No, it's true. I feel like sometimes just something. But also I feel like that lady, you loved her and she changed the course of your life and you knew that she really loved you. I do think that kind of, you know, you know, look, don't play soft piano music under my monologue. But I know nothing. But I'm just saying, like, I do feel like sometimes that kind of drug use. And I say this as somebody who has loved alcoholics my whole life. I do feel like it comes from a sense of, you know, self loathing. And if you know somebody loves you and if you really see it, it can change the course of, of your life. Just really believing them in that moment.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, it's like, you know that peanut butter, the jar won't open. You give it to your uncle. He's got muscles. Steroid Louie. But then your grandma comes along. It just takes that one.

[Rachel Feinstein]

It takes like that one person.

[Joey Diaz]

Maybe she. I don't know, it was just weird the way she said it to me. She said, God wants you to stop smoking coke. She like, stopped her conversation. She looked at me, she goes, God wants you stopped doing coke. And I was like, okay, good luck.

[Lee Syed]

But there's also who she was. She was very close to you, you know, you knew she was about to pass on.

[Joey Diaz]

She used to hold the coke for me, right when I was selling coke at the Comedy Store. I would give it to her at night to hold to her and her husband. And then I would go over the next day and get it. Or I would go knock on that door at 5. I need that.

[Rachel Feinstein]

But she had that insight probably towards the end of her life.

[Joey Diaz]

Her husband was a gang leader.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Her husband was a Crip.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

She was Mexican. Her husband was black as can be. Tough in a nail Crip.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Coke is. Yeah, I mean, he ran his own set.

[Joey Diaz]

And one day he comes up to me at the comedy, says like, can I talk to your brother? My gay goes, man, I gotta get in on this Adam Sandler movie. That's my favorite motherfucker in the world. I'm like, you're a. You like Adam Sandler's dog? I'll kill for Adam Sandler. So I had to bring him on the show. I told everybody he was my probation officer. And Burt Reynolds got a hold of him for like eight hours. He's like, I became friends With Burt Reynolds. I got his motherfucking number and shit.

[Rachel Feinstein]

That's amazing. Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

I write to him. I go, my probation officer wants to come to that. Like, we didn't even know you're on purple. But, yeah, I got problems, Adam.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I do feel like coke also. Like, I did coke for a few times when I was, like, in my early 20s. I loved it. I don't really have as much an addicted personality, really, but I was like. Even I knew. I was like, this is delightful. Like, and, you know when you find your drug. I was like, this is my drug, but I'm so vain that I look like the next day. Like, you look jacked up.

[Joey Diaz]

I wouldn't look in the mirror.

[Rachel Feinstein]

No, it was mangled. Yeah. And I was like, these are. I'm 20. Like, I. I can't do this to myself. I was like, 20, 21. Yeah. And. And I stopped. But also, I feel like people lie and coke to such a degree that it's like that. That is one thing that helped me to decide that I wasn't going to do it again was just like watching other people on blow. Because nothing makes you look more ludicrous than when you're not on blow talking to somebody who is. I remember I was dating this guy, and just. He's like, I'm not doing it. I know you want to fight right now, but I'm not on anything. It's just like a wild alcoholic. I'm like, there's blood all over your nose. He's like, I'm not doing. Not taking the bait. I know you'd like to pretend I'm high right now, but I'm not. Yeah, he was up out of his mind, just drunk and high, and then he just sort of slowly fell into the carpet. Like, right after he said that, he's like, I'm not doing it. You want to fight with me, you can go ahead and fight. But I don't get out about the road.

[Joey Diaz]

You meet those coke fiends on the road, you can put coke in their. On their. On their titties.

[Rachel Feinstein]

You know, I didn't have that shared experience with you. I didn't put as much. I never put titties. Coke on.

[Joey Diaz]

No, put your cubes in there. You put a ice cube or you put those rock candies.

[Rachel Feinstein]

You know what I love is that you respected me enough to think that I might have had that story. Like, I'm like, oh, yeah, the good old days when I was headlining and smothered some bitches cans with blow.

[Joey Diaz]

I wasn't even headlining. I was featured for Joe.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Really?

[Joey Diaz]

All those which go. What happened to Joey Diaz? That's why Joe calls me to the breeze. No, nothing. I would go right to the office. Give me an advance. Yeah, we gotta check with Joe. Listen, give me the advance. Just give me the 100. I would take the hundred dollar bill and I would buy.

[Rachel Feinstein]

And would you. Could you find it anywhere?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, the waiter.

[Rachel Feinstein]

The waiter. I guess everybody has it. Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And what would they tell me? Like, stay away from that girl. That's the girl.

[Rachel Feinstein]

That's the girl. Right, right.

[Joey Diaz]

You bring home and she does two bumps and she's like, on the chair. And you're like, oh, my God, she's grinding the fucking chair on blow. You could do. I could light candles in her asshole. This is gonna be great. And then I would just go to Miami, right? I would go to that improv down there in Coconut Grove, and they book the features for two weeks in a row. Oh, I would leave their fucking.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Would you have any money left? Would you be able to just blow it off once you started? You didn't have my.

[Joey Diaz]

I would leave Miami. O&M. 250 for the. That's the next time. And then I just finally got. I got the owner's credit card. All right? I got the manager, general managers, Joe's dog, these. Forget I'm from New York City. I got his. He gave it to me once. I said, I'm going to Montreal. I need. He just took his American Express card, the improv. And put it on the table. Yeah, just tell him you could pay me out of your check. I was booking flights everywhere on that credit card.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

I was booking flights on that. And then Joel. You know Joel, the guy from Tempe? Like, I don't know if you ever met him. He's the owner. He's one of the owners. I knew. I was there the first night he got on December, like, 30th, 1999. 98. He was just a fucking assistant manager. And he was so green that he would turn and count the money at the end of the night. But this way. And he would look at the safe. I would go in there and take 100 right off the top, right in front of him and go, joe, let me get another 100 advance. What are you talking about? Give me another hundred. He's like, you don't have no money left. Go call Joe. Cause Joe was the boss. Then call Joe and wake him up. I got whatever I want here. He didn't even know I already had 100 that I stole from. From top of the thing. That's where the bus boys robbed the safe.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Wild.

[Joey Diaz]

They took $19,000 on a Friday night. Dog. Miami Improv.

[Lee Syed]

That's why they made my check.

[Joey Diaz]

Now, were you on the road with.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Him, like, during these days?

[Joey Diaz]

No.

[Lee Syed]

I know I don't have hair. I'm 30, 36, which is terrifying. But no, I swear to God.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Wow. That's insane. And did they just. Just that, like. Like stealing from the safe of the owner, like, that is like. Like, that's wild.

[Joey Diaz]

If you're that stupid, I gotta rob you.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

If you're gonna leave money out and look somewhere else at the TV show, I'm gonna rob you.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I'm that stupid.

[Joey Diaz]

And I'll take, like, just 100. I'm not greedy.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I'm like. I'm so abd. I'm like a perfect person to steal from. I'm shedding deb cards every. I was like some dumb sack that's wide open. Like a fool.

[Joey Diaz]

I was buck wild on the road. Yeah, we're not making any money. So.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yes, I used to go on a kit.

[Joey Diaz]

I'd be on the road driving. I go into Kmart and take something expensive and walk around. I wouldn't even walk out. I'd walk right into the counter. My aunt gave me this coffee maker. I already have it. Really? All right, let's return. Do you have a receipt? No, I lost it. It was a holiday. Do you want check or cash? That's a tough one, you know, because.

[Rachel Feinstein]

They'Re like, right, right.

[Joey Diaz]

You don't want cash? Give me the cash. Then they give you the tax, the plus tax. So you were even getting the tax back. You have no idea.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Did you ever feel like. Were you ever afraid? Like, it seems like you never worried you would get caught. Who taught you?

[Joey Diaz]

Jersey.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Jersey. Just being, like, growing up in Jersey. That's the thing. It's like, I grew up in Bethesda, Maryland. Like, yeah, the most, like, naughty thing we did was, like, steal stickers from, like, the mall or something. Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You just get better at it. Like, you just know the body moves and the body language of people, and they don't, you know, they have no idea. I've always said, if you're going to let me rob you, I'm going to rob you, even if I'm a Catholic, just to show you that you're a dumb.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Can somebody knit that for me, please? I'd like that on a sampler. If you're going to rob me I'm going to rob like that. That also, you have to know you have to be ready at any moment. Doesn't that make you anxious when you're robbing people like that? Like, aren't you always thinking you're about to get clocked? Like, do you have to sit in a diner, like, next to the wall or something? Does anybody know what I'm trying to say right now? Can you help me? Like, you know when you have to sit by a wall because, you know, somebody always wants to. To.

[Lee Syed]

Yeah, I don't think you'd stick around for that long.

[Joey Diaz]

Look, I charged a guy $2,000 to join the mafia in Colorado. I brought him an application, okay? If you're that stupid. And he gave me. And you know, he still calls me. I never heard from those people. Yeah. You understand what I'm trying to say to you, Doug? I'm an old school.

[Rachel Feinstein]

How did he say that he wanted to join?

[Joey Diaz]

You have no idea. Don't even start. You. We could sit here for days, not even hours.

[Rachel Feinstein]

That'd be amazing. If he was like. Like he was at a pancake house applying to be the general manager, and he's like, I got a better offer for you, kid.

[Joey Diaz]

I still remember casting directors asking if I could buy him a pound of weed.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

I was with a certain agency, and they're like, this casting director, and I would get her a pound of weed, and then I would take, like, half out and do the boulder trick. I would spray it with a bottle, so it's going to be heavier. Next day, you take that home, that weed is dry, that motherfucker's half gone. And she can call me back. I don't know what happened. Oh, yeah, we're fucking. And then I just got to the point, if you didn't. If you didn't give it to me, I was gonna take it. And that's when you're complete. But I had no parents. I had nobody to say, I'm ashamed of you for being in jail. I was like, fuck it. Let's have some fun if you're gonna.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Did you. Did you change? Like, once you stopped doing blow, did you change, like, the way you operated everywhere? And did you tell people? Because I would imagine if you go back to these places, they're like, oh, there's crazy Joey Diaz. I can go, you know, do lines with him. Like, did you tell people that you weren't doing it? Or how did you stop yourself from.

[Joey Diaz]

The temptation, the criminal activity? When I met my wife, the only thing I did when I met my wife was. I always had a robber lighter from 7 11. That's just as. Oh, if you're gonna put the lighters right there.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Sure.

[Joey Diaz]

That kept my powder dry.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Right.

[Joey Diaz]

Just stealing those lighters every once in a while, you know, I did something like on a movie set, I'd take the roller skates from the first movie I was on. I just started stealing roller skates. By the time the movie ended, there wasn't a roller skate over size eight. Everybody was walking around with ingrown toenails. Basketball. That was my first movie.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Really.

[Joey Diaz]

I didn't give a fuck, you know.

[Rachel Feinstein]

But how did you stop? Like, how did you have a time where you like comedy? Comedy, yeah, comedy.

[Joey Diaz]

And then there was times I would pull up to the comedy, and once.

[Rachel Feinstein]

You knew, you just knew. You hit the end of the road. So they. There wasn't really as powerful a temptation because you're like, I've done that. I've done every possible.

[Joey Diaz]

See, people do it all the time.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

They get help. They get steady six months and then they do something that's so stupid it doesn't even make sense. And I remember still pulling up to the comedy store in 97, flat broke, living with a stripper, fucking. And I'll never forget because the checks came out at like 4. We would go up there early and work and come. You gotta give me the check. It was like $130 check. That's how poor we were.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

But I still remember going up there on a Friday and seeing like three bottles of Jack Daniels for the weekend and whiskey and eight cases of beer. And I could have took those motherfuckers, you know, a case of Jack Daniels. You're not gonna hold that for a long time. That's gonna go, you know, And I remember going, like, if I even fuck around up here, it's gonna ruin my fucking comedy career.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Right.

[Joey Diaz]

And that's the old saying. Don't let your character ruin your destiny.

[Rachel Feinstein]

That's a beautiful saying. I never heard that.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, it's very simple.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, if you like to suck dick, don't mix it in with what you love.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, and that was my problem. And then I just kept it. A Coke and I kept it on my own. And I never did it with people. I would do one line at the Comedy Store and leave just to get the little folks wing going. Today I was thinking about that I would go to my. Towards the end, because we were talking about how high my tolerance is.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

When I quit coke. I would go over there and buy a half an eight ball, 125 at about midnight.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Wow.

[Joey Diaz]

And I couldn't wait to get to the light, because at the light, I'd snort fucking half of it. That's a half an eight ball, the whole thing. And by the time I got to my garage and got upstairs, I was a little high. And then I have to get another half eight ball, but I could snore the half eight ball in one shot.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And that's pretty sad. Yeah, that's pretty sad. Like, so I just didn't want to mix my personal life with the Comedy Store. And it worked. It worked. You know it worked. Yeah, we did stupid shit up there, but not enough to ruin my career. I never got banned. I never got banned out of that. You got what they used to call that, banned.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Banned.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Nobody ever said they wouldn't have you back, even after you robbed their safe. That's when you got a good personality, I gotta say.

[Joey Diaz]

You know what's crazy? Rogan was banned.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Really?

[Joey Diaz]

After the Carlos Nancia thing. Eddie Griffin was banned. A lot of people, she would ban you for a while and then you work yourself back.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

She used to come up to me, don't take your dick out no more. You know, in the beginning, don't take it out. It scares people.

[Rachel Feinstein]

The fact that she just had to be say that again and again, just exhausted this poor woman. She's like, for the love of God.

[Joey Diaz]

She was great to me. Like, she knew who I was. The second night, I was a regular, I threw fist up there and she loved it.

[Rachel Feinstein]

And did you have other people that were like, after that, your friend that passed, that cared that much to say that to you? Did you have other mentors? Do you feel like after that? Or just people that kind of helped you to stay clean and not to go back to that life?

[Joey Diaz]

Fuck, no.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

Because they don't listen. They don't give a fuck. You know, people, they don't care. Like, I just went to. I was telling my nephew this year, this last New Year's, was the first time I saw somebody snorting Coke in maybe 15 years. Like, I never saw that. And not one urge that I have to do it. Like, I just. I did not. I just knew it was not for me anymore. And I know, because who I am, that if I ever did a line again, I'd be dead the next day.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Because I made a promise.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

I made a promise to myself, which is better than anybody else. You can make a Promise to.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

So I know for a fact if I did just a little bit, my life would go to being crazy. Daughter would disappear, the money would disappear, my wife would disappear, Podcast would disappear. You know, everything would disappear. So I always knew that even if I didn't snort it ever again, just breaking my fucking word as a man, at that point, I would have been done.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah, I bet it has helped other people.

[Joey Diaz]

I love robbing people. I would love to go into a fucking. You know, these little young faggots, now they're selling meth and all this shit. What are they selling?

[Rachel Feinstein]

Only you can you. You'll see the most beautiful thing. And then you fucking walk in there.

[Joey Diaz]

With three gorillas, kick that door down, shoot up, watch them pee themselves, get up against the wall, suck my dicks. It's hysteric. Because that's what we did in the 80s.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Nobody was ready for cocaine. Nobody was ready. So after all the gangsters started doing it, when I came back in 84 from Colorado, all these people that were, like, decent people were doing it, they didn't know that side of the business. They were like, this is great. Selling coke, bitch. And then we got motherfuckers from North Bergen who kick your fucking door down and take it from you. And that's when it. Cause they were suckers. They were in this business. They didn't know anything about it. They just saw people singing and dancing and getting their dicks sucked. But they never thought about the big bad wolf. They never thought about the big bad wolf. And it was crazy. I had a protector. When I lived in New Jersey all those years, I had two protectors. I had a cop and I had a buddy of mine, Mike running. He was off the fucking chain. Crazy. And my friend Hash Rate had to call me to the side and go, that motherfucker don't pay for cigarettes. He just walks by on the counter and takes. He was a crazy dude growing up. I saw him do some crazy fucking things. When I left here, I was like, what am I gonna do without my protector? And I had to become him. The only way I could survive was by becoming him. And he was off the chain. Like, he didn't even let you put your hands up. You had something in your head before you even opened your fucking mouth.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And that's what got me in trouble all the time. That we're from Jersey, we're from the New York area. We ain't got time for this. And then you smack them. And what do they say? I'm calling the Police. You were just talking all this WaPo. What police? What Police had been assaulted. Yeah. What'd you think was gonna happen? You just call the A and you thought he was one of your white buddies from, you know, church, you know. Oh, you're a too. No, you're gonna get knocked in the fucking head. And that's what.

[Rachel Feinstein]

There's nothing funnier than someone that doesn't expect today's world.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, these YouTubers, they think it's cute coming up to you and saying, oh, Rachel Feinstein is fat. How about I smack you in the mouth? Let's see how fat you are. How about I shoot you? They're calling 91 1. Yeah, they're calling their attorney.

[Rachel Feinstein]

You know, wait, you guys, am I fat? And I didn't know. That's all I took from, from that. No, I do. I. You can't read the comments. I read the comments and I drive myself crazy.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, that didn't slide when we were kids and that.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Didn't slide at all. Yeah, it just didn't fly. Like. No, if somebody said, you spit, okay, we're at it. And that dude would not say it. I'm getting, I'm calling the police. You know, that wouldn't happen. You just said that. You knew it was. You knew what to expect. You know, if you didn't, you're a idiot. But you're gonna get hit. Yeah, that's what today's society doesn't see. Yeah, he's a tough guy with the tattoos. Everybody gets a tattoo, and they're a tough guy, bro.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Right?

[Joey Diaz]

Knock it the off. When I was growing up, you had to do 20 years to get a tattoo or be in the Navy and shoot a Jap.

[Lee Syed]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You had to do something, okay? You gotta do something. These women with the tattoo. You had to suck a thousand dicks when I was a kid. Kid. And you get raped at a biker rally, and if you lived, you got a tattoo of a heart on your foot. You know what I'm saying? If you lived, if the sperm didn't kill you, now you got all these women a gun. What the.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah, No, I mean, I, I.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't care.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Look at me acting like I have any point of reference for this.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, I don't care. Okay? I don't care. You don't care no more? You got to say the truth. If not, it's the truth.

[Rachel Feinstein]

When I hear these tales, I'm so surprised somebody hasn't punched me in the face. Like, I'm just like, I, I guess because I have a mouth on me, but I've never been. I haven't been tuned up yet. Never say never. No, but I think, I do think also it's just because I grew up like. Yeah. I mean the worst thing that could happen to you was like, yeah, you would get kicked out of like Hebrew school or something. I mean, I didn't, I didn't come from a tough line of men either. Like, I come from, you know, lawyers that can't process dairy. Yeah, like that's like the worst. Yeah, that's what I come from.

[Joey Diaz]

Going back to the two egg yolks. Look at.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Nobody has tough stories in my pat.

[Joey Diaz]

Like, yeah, eating two egg yolks. Nobody was allergic to peanuts. All these little. My daughter made the best brownies this week. Yeah, she put walnuts in them and I'm like, thank you for putting the walnuts. And she goes, you know these little fags. Even my daughter feels that way. 12 year old little girl, she tells me shit sometimes on my. Okay, I'm not crazy, right? You know, because it's the truth. Ever since we started eating egg whites, kids thought, I'm allergic to walnuts, I'm allergic to raisins. Are you kidding me? Are you. Can you tell an Irish with nine kids, the father's a fireman and you're gonna come home and tell him I'm allergic to peanut butter. I can't eat that. I'm saving cats off a tree. You better eat the peanut butter. I don't give a fuck. If you're going to aesthetics foam from the mouth. I don't give a fuck you're eating that peanut butter. But now the parents play along like, oh, yeah, he's allergic to seafood.

[Rachel Feinstein]

No, Pete is. He's like the opposite.

[Joey Diaz]

No, no, I'm saying like women, I'm allergic to lobster. Well, you better suck a good dick, you know what I'm saying? You're allergic to lobster. The is wrong with you? You're a woman, you gotta eat lobster. That comes with lobster sperm balls and banana pudding. I don't fucking know.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah, like he doesn't remember when Frankie, Frankie was my daughter was like six months. But he's the opposite. I feel like firemen are way the opposite where they don't give a. About any, anything. You have to be on fire for them to give a flying. But like, yeah, I was like, she can't eat carrots yet, you know, like she was trying to give her a carrot. She's like six months. I'm like, she can't Eat that. He's like, I wouldn't worry about. I know infant cpr. I'm like, you're not supposed to test it out on your own kid. He's like, don't sweat it, sugar. I know infant cpr. How about just don't feed her carrots? Yeah, but no, I mean, I didn't. I didn't. These stories are fascinating to me. I literally have no point of reference. Like, I'm like, also, I played some of these clubs. I'm like, this was going on well. I had no idea. I thought the biggest scandal was whether they didn't. They didn't give me my bonus on the Late show, you know, Like, I had no idea this was happening.

[Joey Diaz]

Comedy club in Kansas City, do you remember? The own had a wig.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I heard about this Kansas City one. Yes.

[Joey Diaz]

The steam would break the wig. The. The glue. He'd be all coked out.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Also, I think I came in a little after, like, people were doing this level of blow.

[Joey Diaz]

That was 2003. The first time I did it was like 2001. That fucking guy Roger Paul booked me in there.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Oh, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And he made a comeback to call me in 2000. I was shooting SUV. And he goes, can you do the club? I can't do Tuesday, Wednesday. Okay, Let me tell you something. I get to the fucking airport. The plane lands, like, at 10:30, and I'm waiting, and all of a sudden I'm looking at the wall in this cup, and I'm like, fuck, what did I do now? I don't know, you know? And I look, and the club manager runs in. He's like, you got your license on you? I go, yeah. He goes, you're gonna tell him that you're driving? Cause I'm too fucked up. And I'm like, what? All right. And I get the luggage and we walk out. And he's like, he's driving. Okay, I need a creepy girlfriend. Get the back. And they start snorting coke. And I'm like, I hope you can save me some. And the guy's like, nah, we're gonna do it all. I go, I'll stop this car and get that cop. Don't play with me. It's 9:45 at night. Okay. We. We just found the gram. My podcast, it. Oh. Some of these clubs are, you know, they were hysterical. Hysterical.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

That's a complete different podcast. Because you're still on the road. I don't want you to get tortured. I don't want you to get. There was Club Maddie.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I remember in Comics oh, yeah, they. There's a lot of insane.

[Joey Diaz]

The agent at ger, when I was coming up, there was an agent, real good looking to the waist down. She was one of those flubby ladies that. I don't know. She never did yoga. Nothing like her ass. Nothing to. She was banging all the black axe.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Right?

[Joey Diaz]

She banged so many of them. They moved her into Literary. Oh, my God.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Moved her into Literary is amazing. Like, that would be the logical.

[Joey Diaz]

There's no black office. You know what I'm saying? I don't know. I don't fucking know why they moved to the Literary. Oh, my God.

[Rachel Feinstein]

So. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, like I.

[Joey Diaz]

You have no fucking idea. This is the craziest world.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I had no idea any of this was going on. All I know is Joey's a bad boy and I'm never going to this part of Jersey again. I'm terrified.

[Joey Diaz]

Good.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I'm lucky I didn't get mugged by a bunch of hoodlums.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, my God.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah. Yeah. You know, I mean, I didn't. Yeah. Like I said, I litigated sweat like.

[Joey Diaz]

A eating a corn dog in this.

[Lee Syed]

You're right next to a heater.

[Joey Diaz]

Turn this heat off. Can we.

[Lee Syed]

Can we take a quick break?

[Joey Diaz]

No. We taking a quick break. Rachel?

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yes.

[Joey Diaz]

Where's your dates?

[Rachel Feinstein]

I am. I don't know if I'm going on the road ever again. It's not safe out there. I think I'm. I'm a secretary now, bitch. No, I'm. I'm on the road. Where am I? I'm going to be in Chicago and a bunch of other cities. San Diego, Louisiana. And this week. Next week I'll be in Texas. You can go to rachel-feinstein.com or go to Punch Up Live. And you can look my name up and also watch my Netflix special. It's called Big Guy and it's streaming right now. I learned so much today, Joseph.

[Joey Diaz]

God.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Scary out there.

[Joey Diaz]

I going to tell you about the Pop Rocks. You put them in your. That's a party too.

[Rachel Feinstein]

My grandma told me about that. She was like, wait, Pop Rocks on the. There. It's nothing like it. It's my favorite thing to do during Hanukkah. Dreidel and some Pop Rocks.

[Joey Diaz]

When they put it on your dick and suck it. It's like the Fourth of July. It's popping. They don't know what the to do. The opportunity fo fuego. Oh, my God.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Dre old. Dre old.

[Joey Diaz]

Have a great week. I got no dates. Yeah, I do. I got you got Moon Tower. Yeah, Moon Tower. The second show. There's still tickets. I don't know what's going on in Jersey. They say it's sold out, but. But it's a bunch of people. I don't know. I don't even know. Who gives a fuck. Oh, May 17th, Parks Parks Casino Philadelphia. I know they still got tickets. I never even announced it. How fucking crazy am I? I've been in the hospital and shit. I have problems, guys. So what's up, George? Not a fucking peep tonight. Good. No Cafe Tivoli? Nothing. All right, we'll be back next next week with another fun filled episode and we'll have Rachel back to explain all that other to her because she's a nice girl. Love you. Stay black. Uncle Joey here, listen, it's time to make feeling good nice and easy. Ditch all the boring guided meditations. All you need is via. Via is changing the game and natural wellness combining high quality hemp derived ingredients with powerful cannabinoids to create serious results. Whether you want more focus, better sleep or a boost in your love life, Via has you covered. Listen, Uncle Joey, you guys know my tolerance is off the chain. I eat like two of these daytime. They call them daytime. 100 milligrams I'm ready to go. Last night I ate eight pieces of toast with butter last night. Who does that? You understand me? That's what VAYA does. So customize your VIA experience by choosing the type of relaxation you're looking for along with the level of THC you want. With products ranging from zero to high cannabinoid levels, they'll have something for everyone. So if you're 21 and older, treat yourself to 15% off and get a free gift on your first order. Use our exclusive code Joey J O E yahemp.com Again, joeyahemp.com Please enjoy the free shipping on orders over 100 bucks. That's viahemp. Com code word. Joey, thank you for supporting the podcast.