Rachel Wolfson tortures Lee!

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament

Episode: Rachel Wolfson tortures Lee!
Date: September 23, 2025
Host: Joey Coco Diaz
Guests: Lee Syatt, Rachel Wolfson
Location: Live from NYC

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Overview

In this lively and hilarious episode, Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt catch up on major life events, reflect on the grind of stand-up comedy, and welcome comedian Rachel Wolfson for a spirited conversation about comedy scenes, mentorship, and the realities of working the road. The group mixes raunchy humor, old-school wisdom, and candid storytelling about both personal and professional journeys.

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Key Topics & Discussion Highlights

1. Life Updates & Engagement Announcements

[02:01–06:17]

• Lee Syatt’s Engagement:
  Lee shares the story of getting engaged, including a comically awkward proposal and the cultural dynamics from combining Jewish and Indian families.

  • “Dude, don’t clap for the fucking guy. Don’t encourage him.” — Joey (03:26)
  • The group laughs about the legendary “cheapness” stereotypes surrounding Jews and Indians splitting the dinner bill.

• Finding Love Unexpectedly:
  Lee reflects on his past lack of luck and self-confidence with women.

  • “When you stop looking for whatever, it comes.” — Joey (06:17)
  • Lee recounts letting go of desperation, and ultimately finding a serious relationship.

2. The Realities of Getting Older

[02:15–03:24]

• Joey jokes about mortality, being 62, and his acceptance of aging.
  • “When you’re 62, you’re in that death neighborhood, okay?” — Joey (02:15)
  • “I do a line of coke now, forget it. No head on.” — Joey (03:04)

3. Comedy Scene Real Talk

[21:53–41:49]

a. Rachel Wolfson Joins the Show

[21:53–24:35]

• Catching Up With Rachel:
  Joey and Lee welcome Rachel, reminiscing about her early days in LA and her new life in Austin. They discuss comedy's evolving scene:

  • “Austin doesn’t really care about your credits, which I like, because Austin is really all about standup.” — Rachel (23:58)

• Stage Time in Austin:
  Rachel explains the abundance of opportunities—doing up to 20 sets per week.

b. Proving Yourself in New Cities

[24:35–29:49]

• Joey, Rachel, and Lee talk about the need to "start over" in each city as a stand-up—regardless of credits.
  • “You can’t just stay in the same place and perform in front of the same people, you’ll never grow.” — Rachel (25:06)
  • Joey shares stories about moving to Seattle "sight unseen" and the mindset needed to chase opportunity.

c. The ‘Pilgrimage’ to Austin and the Dream of Instant Fame

[28:16–32:19]

• Rachel and Joey comment on the new crop of comedians moving to Austin hoping for overnight success via Kill Tony or exposure at Joe Rogan’s Mothership.

  • “Everybody who moves to Austin moves to Austin to stumble into the Comedy’s Mothership, to Rogan, to like them, put them on the podcast and they blow up and they can save their mother from dying from cancer.” — Joey (30:11)
  • Rachel distinguishes between coming for exposure and coming to hone the craft.

• The Real Path to Good Stand-Up:
  Joey stresses that real “miracles” in comedy come only by putting in the work, not by expecting shortcuts.

d. Open Mic Stories and the Hustle

[35:17–36:14, 61:23–65:45]

• Rachel describes running an open mic called “Off the Cuff” in Austin, meant as a supportive entry point for new comics.

  • “I want to start a mic...for new comics to come and have a place to start.” — Rachel (35:59)

• Discussion of the importance of risk-taking in stand-up, embracing the grind, and bombing as a rite of passage.

  • “There’s something really badass about taking risks in person.” — Rachel (65:45)
  • Joey explains the value of “hiding” new jokes in established material (65:52).

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4. Mentorship, Gender, and Comedy Culture

[54:24–59:35]

• Lee inquires about the competitiveness among female comics.

  • “We all just love each other so much...No, yeah, no, we, we love working together.” — Rachel (54:30, sarcastically)

• Rachel describes the need for mentorship, pointing out how few women comics offered guidance when she began.

  • “...That’s what I wish I had—something like that woman, or just like a comic willing to show me the ropes...” — Rachel (61:09)

• She shares efforts to help newcomers (e.g., providing headshots so open micers aren't exploited by industry scammers).

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5. Classic Joey & Lee Antics: Gross-out Stories

[48:05–53:56]

• The hosts swap tales of hot dog carts, food poisoning, and Joey’s notorious pictures of his bowel movements sent to friends (Tom Segura, Bert Kreischer, etc.).

  • “For me to send you a picture of a shit—it’s got to be a real shit, okay?” — Joey (52:07)

• Rachel is quizzed about whether female comedians are as “gross” backstage.

  • “You don't know women; we’re disgusting.” — Rachel (54:16)

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6. Battle Stories: Bombing, Insults, and Earning Respect

[67:11–71:48]

• Lee and Rachel exchange memories of tough crowds, hecklers, and learning to turn on-stage disasters into material.

  • “This woman told me she did ketamine with the Kennedys and then she got up and yelled at me that she could see my stomach from Times Square.” — Lee (67:24)
  • “I respect you more for bombing than going up with the same material for 10 years.” — Rachel (67:19)

• Lee’s low point: getting a pepperoni thrown at him by a transgender comic after telling an ill-received joke.

  • “For 35 years, nobody ever threw pepperoni at me. I got a beer bottle, you know, I don’t want that.” — Joey (71:41)

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7. Chasing Opportunity and Giving Back

[58:02–62:06]

• Joey and Rachel discuss the importance of paying opportunity forward—giving new comics stage time, guidance, and validation (as Rachel does with headshot photos).

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8. Road Food, Buc-ee’s Fandom, and Tour Life

[77:32–78:57]

• Rachel and Lee bond over Buc-ee’s, the famous Texas gas station:
  • “I want to get married in a Bucky’s wedding dress.” — Rachel (78:09)
  • They riff on regional snacks and Joey’s suspicions about grown men wearing Buc-ee’s sweatshirts.

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9. Closing Moments: Family, Mentorship, and Respect

[79:16–81:53]

• Joey expresses affection and pride for Rachel and the “tribe” of women comics coming up.

  • “You guys are like daughters. Like I got a 12-year-old...You guys are like daughters now.” — Joey (81:30)

• Rachel acknowledges the support she’s received from both Joey and Lee during her career and looks forward to future gigs.

  • “I really appreciate both of you guys have always supported me since I started.” — Rachel (81:26)

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Notable Quotes

• “You found somebody when you weren’t looking, which is what you tell people...Stop looking. Go to the gym. Go to life. Live your fucking life. You’ll meet a fucking guy at the nail salon somewhere.” — Joey (13:52)
• “Austin is really all about standup. Doesn’t matter who you are, doesn’t matter your credits.” — Rachel (23:58)
• “Everybody who moves to Austin moves to Austin to stumble into the Comedy’s Mothership, to Rogan...” — Joey (30:11)
• “There’s something really badass about taking risks in person.” — Rachel (65:45)
• “I respect you more for bombing than going up with the same material for 10 years.” — Rachel (67:19)
• “You guys are like daughters now.” — Joey (81:30)

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Important Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment | |-----------|--------------------------------------------------------------| | 02:01 | Lee’s engagement, family dynamics, and proposal stories | | 13:52 | Joey’s advice on finding love and not being desperate | | 21:53 | Rachel Wolfson joins — moving to Austin, comedy scenes | | 28:16 | Starting over in new comedy cities/“pilgrimage” to Austin | | 35:17 | Rachel on running open mics for newcomers | | 54:16 | Female comics backstage and “grossness” | | 61:09 | Mentorship, guidance, giving back to new comics | | 67:24 | Lee’s worst heckling/crowd insults/bombing stories | | 77:32 | Comedian tour snacks and Buc-ee’s obsession | | 79:16 | Joey reflects on mentorship, family, and pride |

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Overall Tone

The episode is irreverent, warm, and filled with real talk about comedy’s harsh realities, sprinkled with plenty of crass jokes and endearing camaraderie. Joey’s wisdom, Lee’s honesty, and Rachel’s thoughtful insights make this a hilarious and insightful listen for comedy fans, aspiring stand-ups, and anyone who appreciates the behind-the-scenes grind of the comedy world.

Transcript

[A]

What's happening, you savages? Uncle Joey here with his Jewish Cato Lee syat. Another start of the church. And what's happening now? New Testament coming at you. What's up, beautiful people? Uncle Joey here, let me ask you a question. You know, we do certain things, we get hungry, we want a little bit of sugar. And if you want that taste from your childhood without the sugar headache, it's time for Magic Spoon. Ooh. Magic Spoon is the cereal you used to eat on Saturday mornings but built it for your old person metabolism. Magic Spoon's got 13 grams of protein. That's right. 13 grams of protein, 0 grams of sugar and 4 grams of net carbs. Are you kidding me or what? Wait till you taste it. You think you're a little kid and your grandmother's gonna come up and give you a dollar out of her stinky bra? You ever have those situations? Now if you're running out the door and you skip the milk, grab their treat cereal bars that you can take on the go. Jack. Each bar has 12 grams of protein. 4. So you'll stay full until lunch break. Who's better than you? Nobody. What we're gonna do here is get your $5 off your next order at magicspoon.com church. C H U R. C H. Or look for Magic Spoon on Amazon or in your nearest grocery store. That's magicspoon.comchurch for $5 off. All right. Thank you for eating Magic Spoon. Kick this mule. We're back. What's up, you beautiful people? It's a Beautiful Tuesday morning, the 23rd of September. What up, Lee?

[B]

I'm doing good, dude.

[A]

How are you? You know, tip top, Magoo. Feeling a lot better than last Monday.

[B]

I didn't even know you weren't feeling well.

[A]

Oh, I haven't been feeling good all week. But who cares? We got one foot in the grave. One of banana peel.

[B]

Jesus.

[A]

You got to be optimistic. We're here on a Monday and that's all that matters.

[B]

That doesn't sound optimistic. One foot in the grave, one in the banana peel.

[A]

Look, when you're 62, you're in that death neighborhood, okay? And unless you combat it, if you sit here and go, I'm not going to die. I'm not going to die. I'm not. Then you're going to lose your mind. You just got to say, I'm going to die at some point. And that's it. That's the way it is.

[B]

Yeah, but every. Every week with you, you're dying of something new. You're dying sooner than later, you know.

[A]

I got the Jewish worrisome. Oh, Jesus Christ. I'm dinosaur motherfucker. You know what I'm saying? I'm dinosaur motherfucker.

[B]

So you're gonna come back?

[A]

No, I'm not dying. I'm just telling you that I've accepted it. I've already written my obituary.

[B]

Shut up.

[A]

Yeah, that's how you accept it when you get to rh, why fucking run away from it?

[B]

So when you die, it's a Valhalla.

[A]

I accept it. I just close my eyes and let the Lord take me to the next fucking channel.

[B]

Are you Buddhist now?

[A]

No, it's got nothing to do with being Buddhist. It's got to do with knowing who the fuck you are. And you know I can't do the shit I was doing when I was 36. I do a line of coke now. Forget it. No, head on. I want you to do a line of coke. But I can't do a lot of things I used to do. I eat a cheeseburger, I get fucking a heart attack. But let's talk about what's important. You got engaged this weekend.

[B]

I did.

[A]

Happy fucking congratulations, man.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Dude, don't clap for the fucking guy. Don't encourage him. Thank you that much.

[B]

Congratulations.

[A]

Don't encourage him. That's like that scene the Godfather when he tells him Michael joined the army and fucking whatever goes, Congratulations, don't encourage the is wrong with you joining the army?

[B]

Jesus. Yeah, no, dude.

[A]

Crazy.

[B]

No, I, I, I don't know. From what I've been told, you gotta hire a photographer, you know. No, but dude, I'm glad I did.

[A]

A half a fag. I saw the picture. Are you out there by the World Trade Center?

[B]

I was on the Warsaws, on the water, right? Second of all. Yeah, but a World Trade center, no, other side. But I had. I have no idea what I said. Not even.

[A]

I don't know what you said either. I don't.

[B]

No, no, no, I didn't record the audio. Thank God, because I was cool the whole time.

[A]

Recorded the audio. You wouldn't be here today. You'd be leaving with your little fucking computer right now, Right over the bridge on that ferry.

[B]

Oh, Jesus. Nobody was. It was great.

[A]

It was record the audio for you, for your kids, who knows?

[B]

I didn't do it. I forgot. I had a whole lie. I tricked. I told her that we were doing. I was doing a show at a temple and I had to dress up because I've done shows at temples before and it Was great. It was. You know, it was. I brought my mom down. We had dinner that night. Her parents, my mom. It was nice.

[A]

Oh, Jesus Christ.

[B]

Oh, that was.

[A]

Dude, you're mixing two Indians and a.

[B]

Jew is one of the funniest.

[A]

Oh, and when the check came. Wait till the check comes. I know. You picked up that check. Your wife did. Jesus Christ.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Those Jews and those Indians look at each other when they see that check.

[B]

Dude, I had no idea. Her parents are great, but I had no idea. And I'm not doing material, but I had no idea that, like, Indians on the same level as Jews was, like, being cheap.

[A]

Like, they dog. They hide it under their elbows. They have Indians roll up. That's where the change is hidden. Oh, it's fucking brutal. Yeah. When that check came. Oh, I'm surprised. And they start arguing. Too high. Too high.

[B]

Are they Chinese, man?

[A]

Too high.

[B]

No, it was. But I, like, that needs to be like another Everybody Loves Raymond. But like a Jewish mother in law and two Indian parents. It's. But it was great. It was. You know, I moved here a year ago, dude, I had to. I told you. When I was moving here, I went through a breakup. I moved here. I was like, I'm done till I'm 42 weeks in. Like. And when I was, like. I was thinking a lot about, like, when I was like, a lot of the people listening are like, 22. 20. You were with me since I was 23. I had no luck with women. And, like, I. I was always, like, too desperate. You were trying to do this, like. And, like, it sounds cliche, but, like, when everyone says it, like, when you stop looking for whatever it comes.

[A]

That's what it is. And it was people all the time. All these people that dress up, book alone on Fridays. You're in no danger, you know, bar, meet a dirty hoe, and, you know, with fucking diseases.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

It's when you just walk in the streets and you bump into a chick at the library. Hi. How are you? Good. Maybe we should exchange numbers. But you didn't even do that.

[B]

You know, I met her. I do. I don't. I have. I have no idea. I would have loved to have seen you at that age, because I have no. I've never once picked up a girl at, like, a bar outside. I have no idea.

[A]

What do you think? I was picking them up like fucking tabs.

[B]

It sounds like you had a couple.

[A]

No. Because you had drugs involved.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

Not because you had charm, because you had cocaine involved. And that's like a left hook, you know? Who needs a big dick when you got an ounce of coke? You know what I'm saying?

[B]

Oh. Oh, my God. I never had any of that. But it was. Dude, I'm excited. It's going to be just very low key. Like this whole. I don't know, I got. I got very lucky. We're just gonna have a couple friends.

[A]

You got married under a tent?

[B]

No, no. 10 and end of the year, my favorite week of the year.

[A]

The people. No, honeymoon.

[B]

At some point we might go to Vegas for a couple days.

[A]

Vegas?

[B]

No.

[A]

What the. You told me she's a gazillionaire. Forget Vegas. No, we're going Australia.

[B]

We're going somewhere at some point.

[A]

But listen, I married you, but now you gotta lift that rock because I want to go to fucking Israel. I want to do a comedy show at the Wall.

[B]

Okay, first of all, that would be great. Only dudes can come. Well, we're getting married.

[A]

Why don't you get 200 million, move to Austin, too. I got 200 million. I moved to fucking Spain.

[B]

I don't have 200 million. But no, we, it's. We're getting. It's like a. We're going to do a small thing between the week, between Christmas and New Year's. Just that week and then.

[A]

Don't think I'm giving you off that Monday.

[B]

I'm not. I already looked it up. I already looked up. I'm leaving. I'm leaving. That's why I'm not doing a honeymoon.

[A]

No fucking honeymoon.

[B]

I'm waiting for you to die, then I go on the honeymoon.

[A]

Unless you go to France. If you go to France or Brazil or somewhere interesting. Oh, yeah. I'll give you three weeks off. Oh, it's going to go to Vegas. You get.

[B]

No, no.

[A]

What we're doing, if you go to Israel, you got a month off. A month. If you go to Israel to put a note for me in the Wall. Anyway.

[B]

Do we have people in Israel that'll put a note for you in the Wall?

[A]

But it's not the same. You need a family member.

[B]

Okay. No, we're gonna, like. We're gonna go to, like, the desert in Arizona for a couple days and then go to Vegas for a few days and then we'll figure out the. The real one later on. But I don't know, it was. It's just really like this is the first time that a relationship has felt easy.

[A]

Okay?

[B]

I've. I don't have to. To like, pretend she's okay. She like, she's like really supportive above like everything I do with stand up. So we'll see. I have no idea. It's. It's the easiest and like it just felt right. Which is, is strange. But I got it like this whole buying a ring thing. That shit's a scam. That is the craziest thing I've ever experienced. Because a. There's two. I don't know if you know there's two kinds of diamonds. There's like a diamond that you can find in the ground and then there's lab grown the find the kind.

[A]

Yeah, let's get back to this. All right. Nobody finds a diamond in the ground. Jewish people hire black people to go inside mines.

[B]

They don't have them anymore. They don't have blood diamonds anymore.

[A]

I was looking for them.

[B]

I went all over.

[A]

You can't buy them. You can't. What are you going into stores and go, all right, can I get a blood diamond? They're not going to have them. They're bad luck. But if you would have came to me, I get you. I know all the blood diamonds are big ones, little ones.

[B]

No one knows any blood diamond. I went to like the, the Jewish century.

[A]

They won't. They're templish. They're two by the book. They're not going to sell you a blood diamond. They're not going to tell you it's a blood diamond. Just look at it. You'll see a little scab. And I was looking black guy's afro hand or something like that. That's a blood diamond right there.

[B]

A little bit of scalp. Oh, yeah, that. But it was. I'm really happy. It's. It's like the first time like ever in my life that I've been happy. Like, honestly.

[A]

What.

[B]

That's why I don't like you. You, my mom and all everyone that you're around your age keeps talking about dying. And the reason I don't like it is like, I've never been happy like this. I'm like something terrible. Someone's definitely dying. And I did. Please.

[A]

Well, it ain't me.

[B]

Please.

[A]

Not saying I'm in the neighborhood. All right, There's a big difference in accepting than me not sitting here going, oh, you know, like when you watch a move the Sopranos when the guy had the heart attack. And then again, he's as strong as a bull. Knock on one. No, he's not. He's 75 years. He's as strong as a fucking bull. Okay, knock it off. Okay, don't say that shit. But as long as you accept the realm you're in, that's it. I don't want to walk around going, oh, my God, I'm walking three miles a day anti aging. I'm gonna be Benjamin fucking Buttons. And meanwhile you look older every fucking day. You know what I'm saying? There's people who are like, look at me, right? I did this, I did that. I look 40 again. What do you wanna look 40 for? You're lying there. It's like putting a wig on, right?

[B]

Oh, yeah. People keep telling me to do that. Like, go to. What if I go to Turkey and get the hair transplant?

[A]

Go ahead. As long as you come back looking like a beetle when they came back from India smoking dope with the. With your relatives. Remember John Lennon went to India to learn the bug bung? Yeah, Masamaki, whatever. My, my. Well, I'm excited for you.

[B]

Thanks, man.

[A]

You know, you're going into a different realm of your life, and it is fucking different.

[B]

I'm fucking 37.

[A]

Because let me tell you something. Once you put the ring on the finger, everybody giggles. The Hindus jump up and down, the Jews jump up and down. Once you go home, it's a different fucking game, okay? Once you walk in that door after the marriage, it's like when you. That Richard Pryor joke. When you. When you break into somebody's house and the dog helps you rob him. Remember that joke? Like, come on, I'll show you where the gold is. I'll show where the silverware is. I'll show you where the fucking this is. All right, you got everything. But guess what? Now it's time to play. I want to play. Really?

[B]

Dude, Everyone keeps telling me it's the same. You think it's good? How's it going to be different?

[A]

I don't know. Just wait and see. Hey, pay for the. Put a quarter in and you'll see how it's different.

[B]

Oh, Jesus. Well, see, I'm excited.

[A]

That's what's great about marriage. You walk around ether for a year, you know, everything's beautiful. Okay, honey, lovey.

[B]

Okay. Dovey. Dovey.

[A]

Right, Rachel? Everything's good for a year. Everybody's floating on clouds. It takes you eight minutes to come instead of two. You know, there's roses on the bed. And then. Huh?

[C]

A year.

[A]

Yeah. Two months. And then you're back to fucking. Take the fucking garbage out, you piece of shit.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

What the fuck, Right? When your grandmother married your grandfather, you think it was. You think it was Love forever. Two months later, we put the fucking Irish blood to him. Listen, motherfucker, you gotta do what you gotta do. I don't care about this football shit. You want to play football, play on Saturdays. We need food here. I got eight kids here and you want to fucking coach football? Get the fuck out of my face. Yeah, women will put it to you, Jack. You slip it, motherfucker. But anyway, we're happy for you here at the church. I don't know. I don't even know anymore. What am I? What am I, fucking love guru?

[B]

Who knows?

[A]

But I'm just happy that you found somebody. Thanks, dude, because there's a lot of people don't find dick. And you found somebody when you weren't looking, which is what you tell people. You see these women crying at bars. I can't find the man. Don't stop looking. Stop looking. Go to the gym. Go to life. Live your fucking life. You'll meet a fucking guy at the nail salon somewhere.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, it's. It's crazy how, like, I was not upset. I don't want to say obsessed with it, but, you know, a chubby kid. I didn't have a lot of luck. I was like, why not me? Why? And then, like, bad. Like, you go through bad relationships and you kind of. I went to therapy once, and this. My therapist told me that a lot of her patients, like, a lot of them were like 35, 40 and up. Guys who just really gave up on dating. And I, I. When I moved here, I kind of felt like, that I was like, I'll try to get laid, but I have no interest in, like, having dinner with somebody. And it just. It just sort of happened. You know that when you go through a breakup, you're like, I don't. I don't care what anyone has to say. I don't care about. I don't want to have dinner with you. I don't want to go to a movie. Like, I don't. That. That I've been. I've been there a couple times, and it's. It. It seems fun. But then it, Like, I. I was single for a few months. I went on the road, and it reminded me why, like, I hooked up with a girl with no nipples in Saratoga. She had. She had. She had breast reduction surgery, which is a terrible thing to do.

[A]

And.

[B]

And then she took. Then they. They messed it up so she had no nipples.

[A]

They took the. They took the tap off. Oh.

[B]

It was like. It was like almost a training, but not. Because it was actually A real woman. And then. And then I met this woman in Indiana who is really nice, but she was, like. It was like, love on the spectrum, but, like, a little bit too close. But she was. She was 25, and she was hot, and she. Her thing was that she was a squirter, and she's like. She. She's like, I can fill a bathtub. You want to see? And then she did that, and then she. We took a shower, and she. She washed me with a loofah. And that was.

[A]

Dude, she was bigger than me.

[B]

Oh, she was bigger than me. She was probably, like, 5 10. A nice, beautiful, thick black woman, but she was bigger. And she, like. Like, a little bit too rough with the loof, if I'm being honest. Like, just like. I was like, her kid just fucking scraped it. Oh, it was not. I'm. It's not good. When I'm single, I do up. Oh, my God. Oh, dude. I've dated tall women my entire life because they all. And I'm. Yes. Well, no, I'm not. I hate when people say short king, because everyone who says they're a short king is five seven. And I would kill everyone. I'm. I'm five foot three. Like, five seven is not short. I know. Oh, God.

[A]

I'm five three with heels on.

[B]

With some.

[A]

With.

[B]

With fucking standing on. On telephone books. But it. I've dated tall. There's a woman I was thinking about. Like, you had nicknames for all my exes. The one my favorite was Milkshake, and she was.

[A]

Then you had the abortionist.

[B]

Yeah, the abortionist. Sounds like a magician.

[A]

And you had the Mexican eye.

[B]

Well, that one was a real. That was an actual relationship. The abortionist. The abortionist was this woman I met on OkCupid. We went to a bar for one drink, and she told me. She talked my ear off for, like, five or six hours about insanity. Like, she. She told me that the Kardashians were pedophiles, and she knew this because she saw them kiss their kids on TV. And then she would tell me that she had 10 miscarriages, and finally one came out, but I was like. It was right. Oh, okay. Cupid it was. Oh, we both were. But then, listen to this.

[A]

Ayahuasca. That's what that was.

[C]

Remember.

[B]

Remember fries in Burbank? The. The electronics store? Yeah, I. We hooked up once, and then, like, she would, like, show up at shows on an end. Like, I wouldn't. I didn't want her to. I. She knew where I live because I took her there by accident. But she didn't have my phone number. So I created a Google voice number and she would text me like every two or three months. And I found a. An industrial area over by Fries with no cameras. And I'd get a blowjob in the car like. Like.

[A]

She must.

[B]

Because there's. If I have no. I have no luck. No, they don't. Except he would somehow get it. There would be someone who would know me and like Holly's getting a blowjob and sent it to him and it would add. And meanwhile it was £300 in a tiny Volkswagen sedan with the seat pushed all the way back and this poor woman going over the. The armrest. Oh, it. At the time it wasn't terrible, but that. Yeah, it was. I. I don't know.

[A]

Don't encourage him, please.

[B]

Oh, there was from. No, now I find now I have a good person and. And I don't ever have to date.

[A]

Thank God you're an inside savage.

[B]

Now someone I love. I don't read the comments all the time, but someone wrote a comment on that. On the proposal thing and said, get ready for the sheet with the hole in it. And then if you don't know that's how orthodox guys and women fuck. Which is hysterical. And that. I actually kind of want to try that. The she. The hole in the sheet.

[A]

Get out of your fucking mind.

[B]

You don't want to try a hole in the sheet.

[A]

I'll tell you what was hysterical though, on the way up here. And then we got to move Rachel in. Okay? It's the evening before Rosh Hashanah. It's Rosh Hashanah today. Happy Rosh Hashanah to all the Jews in the struggle. But I saw two Jews broken down Hasidic Jews in like voyagers, you know, like the Chryslers because they're cheap. They don't want to fucking get a Mitsubishi or nothing. So they still hang on to those Chryslers, right? They were broken. Their car blew up on the turnpike on the way here and they were on the side. I'm like, happy Rosh Hashanah. What a fucking nightmare.

[B]

They're pissed that they have to fix it.

[A]

Yeah, they got to spend $3 and they'll probably have. They probably have a new year. Yeah, they got a recyclable fucking fan belt, knowing them. I will be right back after this ad. We'll be back with my girl Rachel in the motherfucking house. Wolfson, what's happening? Beautiful people. Uncle Joey here. Listen, the weather's Cooling down. And you want to stay indoors, right? Get yourself a nicotine routine that you could do anywhere with Lucy. Lucy breakers have a flavor capsule inside each pouch. You crack it open and a wave of hydration with flavors like apple cider, mint, mango and blue citrus come out. Blue citrus is my favorite one. All right, so you choose your flavor. You. You choose your nicotine level. And make the season the best one yet. Let's level up your nicotine routine with Lucy. Go to Lucy Co Church C H U R C H C H and press in promo code church c h u r c h to get 20% off your first order. That's right. 20% off your first order. Where are you going to get that at? Nowhere. Lucy even has a 30 day refund policy if you change your mind. That's okay again, that's Lucy Co Church and use code CHURCH to get 20% off. And here comes the fine print. Lucy products are only for adults of legal age and every order is age verified. Now, the product contains nicotine and nicotine is an addictive chemical. I hope you know that. Okay, so Uncle Joe here, Lucy Co slash Church. What's happened? Beautiful people? Our guest this week is the beautiful and talented, my little niece, Ms. Rachel Wolfson. What's happening?

[C]

Hello. Thank you, guys.

[A]

Thank you.

[C]

Good to see you. This is my second time. Yeah, well, the first time was back when it was the church.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

It's been years. What year is that?

[A]

That was right before the pandemic. 2019. Wow. That was a long time ago.

[B]

Must have been right after the movie.

[A]

No, it was before.

[B]

It was before the movie.

[A]

Wow. Cause the movie happened when Joe moved to Austin. Cause I remember going on JRE and going, yeah, you motherfuckers better pay attention. Better pay attention. Our girl got the fucking jackass. And like, ooh. I'm like, Rachel.

[C]

Thank you, Uncle Joey.

[A]

Yeah. So it was once they got down there we were talking about earlier. I know you. Kim, Sarah, Kyra Sultanovich. Like I remember.

[C]

Oh, wow.

[A]

Kyra Sultanovich was there in 97 and I remember her being like the assistant to Adam Barnard.

[C]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Adam Barnhart was a crazy gay guy who had a comedy show upstairs on Sunday nights.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

An open mic. He was very good, an excellent guy. And you know, he was like a comics guy. He was just helping out people up there. But I remember all you girls. The first time I saw you doing comedy, I'm like, man, look at these girls. They're young. And look at you now. Yeah, now you're young women. Beautiful. All grown up and doing the town. You know what I'm saying?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

How's Austin treating you?

[C]

It's so fun. Yeah, I really, I really am starting to enjoy Austin. It took a couple years because I came from la, so I didn't know what to expect. I've never lived in Texas, but I'm enjoying the stage time and the friends that I've.

[A]

Let me set you to a week.

[C]

Oh, gosh. I mean, I can get up to five sets in a night between mics and shows, so it could be anywhere between, you know, it could be like I could get up 20 times in a week. Between 10 to 20. Yeah.

[B]

But like, that was. It's interesting because you said you've been there a couple years and I've been talking to people out here. How long did it take you to like, establish yourself in Austin to start getting like, consistent spots?

[C]

Well, I'm different because I didn't start standup in Austin.

[B]

Right.

[C]

I started in la. So by the time I moved to Austin, I had a couple years under my belt and I had the credits. But again, Austin doesn't really care about your credits, which I like, because Austin is really all about standup. Doesn't matter who you are, it doesn't matter your credits. And I really, I like that, like that because I was never, you know, it was.

[A]

I always.

[C]

I just started stand up to do standup. Like Jackass Happened by, you know, it just happened. I didn't.

[A]

It's nice to have a credit, though.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[C]

But yeah, it's, it's. It, it still takes a second. You know, it took me two years to really start to like, get in my groove there.

[B]

Yeah, that's what I've heard from like, actually, you, you did his show last night? Aaron Berg?

[C]

No, I'm doing.

[B]

It's. Yeah.

[C]

Oh, yeah, the last night. Sorry.

[B]

He's been really great to me and we, we talk a lot when he does shows at the dojo and, and he was saying, like, it took him about two years in New York to finally feel like he was hitting his groove because, like, moving to a city, I know, like, Austin was cool for you, I bet, because you had like a lot of friends who were. Who moved there. But even still, like, it's like being new in a new city, you kind of have to like, re.

[C]

Establish, start over. You still have to start over. And I really like that challenge as a comedian because I think it's good to move to different places. You can't just stay in the Same place and perform front of the same people, you'll never grow so crazy.

[A]

But like, in Austin, it's a lot touristy.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

So, like, the. Even Joe's place is.

[C]

It's new, which I like.

[A]

I like to.

[C]

You're always getting different audiences.

[A]

Different audiences?

[C]

Yeah, you perform for locals, but a lot of the time it's just. It's very transient, which is what I like, because LA is like that. New York's like that. You know, the bigger cities.

[A]

Well, if you're in New York, by the time you do every room, you'll be 90. You know, there's so much comedy in just the New York area. Northern New Jersey, Yonkers, Brooklyn, you know, so it's okay like there. If you just. I could just imagine sitting in New York for two years and just working on your standup, you'd be fine.

[C]

Well, yes.

[A]

And that's if you went anywhere and did it right.

[C]

Right. I mean, I think also, you know, whether it's moving to another city, but at least going to other parts of.

[A]

The country and starting over again, it's good for you.

[C]

Or even just travel, just getting on the road, being a road comic, whatever. As long as you are performing in front of different people, it's good.

[A]

Like, I remember moving to Seattle sight unseen. Like, people don't do that. That's. And check it out.

[C]

I can't picture you in Seattle.

[A]

Went to Detroit to do comedy. Met a stripper.

[C]

Oh, it's always a stripper.

[A]

I went back to Boulder. She said she was going to pick me up on the move back to Seattle.

[C]

She's really into me. She wants me to move to Seattle.

[A]

No, she came pick me up. This one came and got me in Boulder. Went up to Seattle, stayed with me for two weeks. Went to Seattle, find an apartment. The only thing I knew about Seattle was the Supersonics when I was a kid. And that's it. I was like, I'm in. It rains. At that time, it was Nirvana. Nirvana had just gotten shot. You know, Soundgarden, Pearl Jam. So I go, I'm gonna go up there and have a good fucking time. But I went up there sight unseen. It's not like people. I'm going to go check it out and then put away money for a year. Fuck you. You're never going to go if you think like that. Yeah, you know, you're never going to go anywhere.

[B]

Well, it's kind of cool as a comic, I bet, because you could, honestly, at least in this country and probably Canada and other places, like, as a comic, you could get to any city, major city, halfway major city, and find other comics and find shows.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

In a country. Yeah.

[A]

Easy.

[B]

That's great.

[A]

Piece of cake.

[C]

Well, yeah, I remember last time we were podcasting years ago, you were telling us what it was like. You'd have to like, fax your headshots in your veils. Like, no comics today, they're.

[B]

You know how to send a fax?

[C]

They're all, you know.

[A]

No.

[C]

Like, can you imagine any of the.

[B]

It would never.

[C]

Open micrs comics today trying to figure out a fax machine.

[B]

Well, I was going to ask you about that because, like, Austin, before I got here, I lived in Massachusetts and. And like, there, four or five of my friends went to Austin and like, came back within. Like. Like, what is. Like, as. Like, what do you think? Or what do you see with these open micros who are like. They're like pilgrimage.

[C]

It's autism.

[B]

That's all.

[C]

What do I see? Autism? 100%. Well, I think it's a. It's a lot of things. I think that Austin is a newer scene, which is more opportunity, new opportunity. I think Austin really values freedom of speech, and there you don't have to worry, per se, about what you say. I mean, anything you say at any point can have consequences. But I think in Austin, they're more about letting it speak as an art form, and there's more room for that, I think. Well, basically what I'm saying is people have. Who have been rejected from other scenes, moved down to Austin in hopes that they can.

[B]

The rejects are moving there.

[C]

Oh, no. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Have you not.

[A]

Wake up Lee for every mediocre.

[B]

I haven't done the open mics in Austin. Open. For those of you listening, I lived in open mics the last few years. If you get rejected out of open mics, that's.

[C]

Move to Austin. We'll take it.

[B]

Oh, my. I can't even. That's why Rogan has all those security guys.

[C]

But that's what. That's the other thing, though, too, is like, Austin is becoming this place. Like, people, you know, people romanticize Austin, comedians romanticize Austin. When you get there, it's a very different story. I've never really seen anyone have, like, an easy time moving to a new city, let alone Austin, just because it's like, everyone's like, talking about how great in the stage time is. You still have to start over and prove to other people that you're funny and that you're worth getting booked. And it's like, can I ask you a question, Rachel? Yeah.

[A]

Interrupt anybody?

[C]

No, interrupt me.

[A]

Let's get down to basics. Do you really think that most of the comics that move to Austin think like you? Not at all. You're a special one. You and a couple other people that I personally know. I think 60% of the comics that move down there, this is what they fantasize.

[C]

Well, I know what you're about.

[A]

They fantasize stumbling into the fucking. Because I know I had fantasies when I was an open micr and they're dumb fantasies, but you think they're really gonna happen because they happened to Roseanne. You know, nobody goes on stage, gets off stage, and they offer you a tonight show. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, that's a once in a lifetime, but the odds are always with you. But everybody who moves to Austin moves to Austin to stumble into the comedy's mothership, to Rogan, to like them, put them on the podcast and they blow up and they can save their mother from dying from cancer.

[C]

Well, it's that. But also, I think, you know, with kill Tony and all the opportunities, right, and kill Tony's the other half, you know, the opportun. Like, you know, the tonight show, and now we have kill Tony. Whether people like it or not, it's getting more views than all the late night shows, everything. So it's like, well, I get that, but that's not why I move there.

[A]

No, but you understand, there's people who look at a. There's people like us. They go, I'm going down there and learn the craft and get on stage. I mean, and I'm okay if I'm a feature act for now.

[C]

Well, that's what I wanted. I was like, you know, I'm not getting enough stage time in L. A. The. We just came out of the pandemic. The strikes are happening. And it's like, you know, I. I started stand up to do stand up. You know, jackass came three or three years after, but after the movie was done and the pandemic was over, it's like, I need to learn comedy. I'm being thrown into headlining. I need to, you know, get good at this and put the time in and just, you know, and also, like, my path isn't similar to other people. Like, I knew it was going to be rough. I was thrown to the wolves and had to figure out how to headline.

[A]

You know, so it's really rough. That I know for a fact that because we all have weird fantasies and guess what? They come True. They come true when you put the work in, but not the way you think they're gonna come.

[C]

Right.

[A]

You know, like, not the way you think they're gonna come through. You think you're gonna get a major motion picture and star with Brad Pitt, but you'll probably just get accepted at the Laugh Factory just for Jamie to see you when you moved to la.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And that's the same thing.

[B]

Oh, my God, they were great.

[A]

That's a fucking miracle. How many people moved to LA and showcase at the Laugh Factory and try to get in there. So you have to look at your miracles by that. Like, even if you're getting a miracle. For me, it was Mitzi Shaw. A month after I moved to la. I'm a regular.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

That was my Tonight Show. Now I had to do something with it. And that's what I don't. I don't think a lot of comics today are seeing that. In fact, a lot of people in regular lives don't see that. People don't want to put the work in anymore. And everybody, 60% of the audience now wants to be a celebrity. Every time you go to a restaurant, there's a wall with all the sponsors. You could take pictures there and people look at that shit.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

They barely made the $50 tab, but they're going to go over and take a picture like this and flex their little skinny gold chain or whatever, you know, and that's the other half. I think you could tell there's a lot of people who just want to be stars.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Don't even know what it takes. They don't know the path. They just. I just want to be. What do you call those influences?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, I want to make a million a month.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I want to go to Burning Man.

[B]

But, like, the crazy thing with Kill Tony and it's. It's one of the. It's probably one of the top two or three biggest podcasts in the world right now.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Is like Rogan, to me is the Tonight show. Because you kind of. You still have to get booked on it. Like, it's a little. Because I. I'm with all, like, these, like, these level of comedians. They look at Rogan like it's like, one day it'd be great. Kill Tony is. Except you. You can wait and lie. I mean, it's. It's luck, but it's just. Just to get on. But you can get on. You could move to Austin, go to and sign up every Monday, and eventually, in theory, you'll get on.

[C]

Yeah. But that's if. If that's what you want. But you better be prepared because that might be your one and only opportunity I had. You know what I mean?

[B]

And I don't. I don't remember his name and it doesn't matter, but when I was living in la, this open micr got on. But way before kill, it was big, but it was episode 500. He bombed so hard that, like, they started to boo him and, like, even Rogan was like, oh, God, they hate you.

[A]

And.

[B]

And this is how crazy he was. He put that clip up on his.

[C]

Website as if it's like a credit.

[B]

Like a credit. Like, he did so, like, he bombed. So he knocked the table over and, like, refused to pay for their drinks. Like, they were blowing him before he said one word and it was like.

[C]

I love that shit. I love the confidence. I want an ounce of that, you know, confidence. Oh, where my shit don't stink no matter how much I open my.

[B]

I'll never forget this comic got banned from the open mic at Flappers, because at Flappers, they had a flapper. They had a ticket you had to buy. Like, you know when you go to the fair and you buy a ticket and you would write your name down on it. He just went to Costco and bought a thing of the tickets 50 times. Yeah, they figured. They're like, hold on, we don't remember selling you these many tickets. So, like, it's fucking. I can't imagine what Austin open mics are like.

[C]

Dude, they're fun. I actually run an open mic there. I run an open mic once a week called off the Cuff. It's at Creek, Wednesdays at 6:00pm and, you know, one thing that I've noticed with a lot of new comics and comics who are just beginning is, you know, they're. They're wondering how they can get booked more. And so I asked like, well, what are you doing to give back to comedy? Because we all take so much. And so for me, I. It's not even about running a show. I was like, I want to start a mic. I want something for, like, new comics to come and. And have a place to start. Because it's a riff mic. You pull topics from the bucket and you riff. It's like the poor man's bottom of the barrel. It's the bottom of the bottom of the barrel.

[A]

But it's in Jersey, too.

[C]

Yeah. No, I love it. And it's. It's. I. I've seen, you know, people who've never gotten. Never done standup they come to my mic and they pull a topic and it's all about, you know, what are your thoughts on this topic? The funny will come, hopefully.

[B]

It's a great way to start. Like your first mic ever, for sure.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it's intimidating to go up there and you don't know what to talk about, so why not, you know, learn the practice of riffing? And so, yeah, that's.

[A]

I remember when I first wanted to actually, like, we all have a fantasy and then you have a dream. You have to separate those motherfuckers. But I think it took me three years to go, okay, I'm going to work on this. There's something here. I could build on this, you know, And I took it for what it was. I hid for years. Like I. Yeah, you hide because you don't want to move up. You're enjoying yourself doing this shit, you know, going to bars. I didn't want that pressure. I couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle comedy clubs. I would do guest sets at comedy clubs in Denver, but I wouldn't ask to get booked. They would ask me and I'd go, nah. And I liked what I did until I felt comfortable and I went to Seattle. And that's why I took my first feature spot at the Comedy Underground, which was. You know who I featured for?

[C]

Who?

[A]

Laurie Kilmartin. Oh, wow.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

She 1990. You featured for her 1995 at the Seattle Comedy Underground. But it always for me was. I knew I was gonna hide.

[C]

She's a great comic.

[A]

Yeah, she's a great comic.

[C]

I'm a fan.

[A]

She's a writer.

[C]

She's a. Yeah, no, I'm a fan. I'm a fan.

[A]

But it's just weird that I could tell The like in LA, I bumped into 20 guys. I bumped into one guy, Rachel. I want to beat the fuck out of name names. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Met him in an acting class, said he was. We got to talking, nice kid. And he goes, you do stand up here. I'm gonna come see you. And he came that night to the store. And when I got off stage, he's like, I think I could do that. I can be. Do that better than you. And I'm looking at this guy. So he went down to Hens Mitchell's clubs. Okay, Remember that one down on the only black collar on Beverly? The guy was a man.

[C]

Oh, I know what you're talking. It was on Pico. No. Yes, it was on Pico.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

No, no, no, It Was.

[A]

That's the first time I met.

[C]

It was on Pico. Yeah, Yeah. I forget what. I'm blanking, but yeah, I remember that club. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

And it was like, you know what we talking about?

[B]

Some guy said he could do comedy better than you.

[A]

Yeah, he could do comedy better than me. So he said something. He goes, I'm gonna go down there. And he went down there and like, I saw him in acting class the following week. This guy had done like three open mics. And he was there one night and he got a Montreal Festival audition.

[B]

God damn it.

[A]

Right? And I. He came to me, he goes, did you see this? I got this. And I remember looking at it and I wasn't angry or anything. I'm like. Because I knew he'd only been on stage three times. Not going to work out.

[B]

Tattoo. He's like doing arenas now or. No, did he do stand up? Did it go well or.

[A]

No, no, no. Because you're always funny at the office. You're always funny at that restaurant. You know, anybody can go up there and be funny for five minutes. Two, one time. Now when the lights are on, there's people there with notepads. And you're not prepared for that. Trust me. You don't think I still remember auditioning, I told you for Charlie Hill, the Indian at the University of Colorado. I thought I was going in front of an audience. It was three motherfuckers with a notepad, and they were all American Indians with feathers and shit. And, you know, I mean, who.

[C]

It's crazy because bombing in front of three people hurts just as much as.

[A]

Like, bombing almost more not knowing what you're doing. Right. I was doing comedy maybe two and a half years and a very part time, maybe Ish.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, I didn't even have the Judy Carter workbook yet. Like, I was just still fucking. And then I still remember going in and there was three people. And I still remember going to an NBC comedy tournament when networks used to have tournaments at the Comedy Work. And I signed up, I was like, number 18. I had never been on stage. Jesus, I'm going to go down there and fuck these motherfuckers up. I could do this. And I remember going down there and just eating, because, bro, it didn't work out for me. I thought I could do what I did. In the corner by Ashways. Didn't work out. The first joke went well. They clapped. And after that was.

[B]

Especially because at the Comedy Works, was everyone else doing well?

[A]

No, no, no, no, guys, it was 11 in the morning.

[B]

No, it wasn't.

[A]

And you went up in front of three people, and that's what I'm saying.

[C]

11 in the morning.

[A]

No, you're not prepar.

[B]

They sell coffee cups on your.

[A]

A year of comedy will not prepare you to walk into for them to say, hey, we really enjoyed your set. Show up tomorrow at 11 o' clock in the morning, do a spot for fucking three judges from NBC that you don't know what they are. They could be bakers. I thought they were like fucking comedy geniuses. Then later on. The guy owns a real estate shop. This guy rents roller skates for a living, you know? You know, but in your mind, you don't fucking know. You've been doing comedy for two hours and you went down there. There's no way you're gonna handle three people with a notepad just staring at you and comics in the room. And they got NBC jackets on and Catch a Rising Star T shirts and you with a Pittsburgh Pirate shirt on. You know? You follow what I'm saying to you? It's a different world. And that's what bothers me about people, that they think that they could do what we do.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Nothing like when people say, Will Arnett, the comedian, he is a comedic actor, right? There's a director in the room that says, cut. Hold on, let's do that again. We don't do that. We go up there. There's no rewrite. There's no fucking director saying, no, no, don't say that. There's no fucking. Hold on. That joke didn't work. Let's do it again. There's none of that shit. That's where we come in. That's why I respect what the fuck I do and what the fuck they do. They have somebody write them the fucking jokes and then they do it. And it's one or two takes and everybody in the fucking staff. Ha ha, ha ha. He's so fucking funny. Yeah, okay. Do what the fuck we do, motherfucker. From 8am to 2pm that's what. The other way around.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

8Pm to 2am I'm fucking throwing heat, okay? You can't do that.

[C]

The rest of the day I'm smoking weed on the couch.

[A]

Yeah, me too. So you got to remember what. When people watch this shit and they. When I see shit like that online, you know, it burns my fucking bro. Nothing gets me out online. But when I see people giving props to a comedic actor and calling them a comedian. Not on my fucking watch, motherfucker. Not on my watch. Because I'LL go up more head to head with you. They won't even show up to do what we do.

[B]

No.

[A]

Do you follow me? Because if you came to me and said, hey, they want you on NBC show tomorrow to do what they do, I'll go down there and rock with them. But guess what? They're not gonna do what we do on the drop of a dime. So stop it. Right again. Saturday Night Live, great cast, a different type of energy. They cannot do what we do unless.

[B]

The stand ups on there do well.

[A]

We stand alone. Yeah, they go out, they go up, they go up there. And again, it's. It's a group, an ensemble. It's two.

[C]

It's a group project. It's a group, okay?

[A]

No, no, no, no, no, no. We go solo. That's why that buddy, everybody keeps doing this shit on stage with two people. I don't go on stage with nobody. I don't ever want to go on stage with nobody.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Get the fuck off the stage. There's a brick wall, a microphone, smoke. And me or Rachel or another woman or another man. There's never two of us. We are not Carol Burnett and Dick Van fucking dyke or whatever the fuck the couples are, right?

[B]

And it's crazy, but you do have to work with them. Like you were talking.

[A]

No, you have to work with nobody.

[B]

You do though, because listen, you were talking about like experience. Like this weekend I did the 11 o' clock show and the comic before me did a joke that I liked, but that was like controversial and like there were like 12 people in the room. This one woman didn't like it and she was literally almost at the door with six of her friends. Half the room was gonna be gone. The host luckily got them to sit down. Okay, but I. 3, 4 years ago last year, I don't know if I would have been able to handle it.

[C]

You were scared.

[B]

No, I wasn't scared. But I wouldn't have known how to handle it. Like he. One of his favorite stories is when I got brought up at the La Jolla store as Lee Swan and I. And I bombed super hard this week I was on. I was at a bar on the third floor with like 15 people. The host brought me up as sayed just your whole second just sayed like I was Prince and I like it. I had fun. Like it was just talking about like growing and dealing with like, I. There's stuff that a year ago, two years, I wouldn't have been able to handle. And now it's like you can see like okay. It's not a scale. Like back then, like I was gonna ask you, when you started headlining at three years, how much time did you really have?

[C]

10 minutes, five minutes?

[B]

That's crazy. That's. Yeah, yeah.

[C]

I had. What was. I. I had no choice.

[B]

No. And then what did it feel like being on like that first time before you went up to do like. What did they want you to do? 30, 45.

[C]

At least.

[B]

At least 30.

[C]

You figure it out.

[B]

That's wild.

[C]

Yeah, I had, I was doing infringe shows so I'd have my friends on.

[B]

Right.

[C]

Fill the time.

[B]

That makes sense.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

But even still doing. I remember it was super hard for me to go from 15 to 20.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

That. To get to 20 minutes took me like a year to like really feel comfortable. 20 minutes is a long time. Yeah, it's a long. It's a. It doesn't.

[C]

Well, I also, I, I like talking to the crowd, so that helps me stretch out my jokes more because I, I like doing a little bit of crowd like crowd work with the intention of bringing it to a joke.

[B]

You know that definitely the explanation of.

[A]

A joke is always great. Why? I used to like to tell a joke, people look at you weird and then break it down. This is why now let me break it down on my terms. And then they kind of take the ride with you. Because it happens in life. But let me tell you, when it happened to me, something similar to that, you know. But stand up is a fucking. Listen, here's a beautiful thing about stand up. I've been doing it for 34 years and every once in a while I go, goddamn, I never knew that before. It's a continuing journey when you're into. Listen, when you go to plumbing school, when you become a plumber, it's four years to become a journeyman. Two years, you're an apprentice. Four year journeyman. After six years, you're like a master. A master plumber, a master electrician. I don't know what it is. Maybe six or seven years and that's it. With an art, which. This is an art. Whatever you might think when I get up on stage and yell and talk about pussy and assholes. And it's an art. It's an art. It's an art in itself because how many people would I put up there and have a nervous breakdown? There's people that rather die. Like, there's people that if you take them and go, I'm going to put you on stage and give you $500,000, they'll go I'd rather get shot in the fucking head. That's why there's Toastmasters, all those clubs, so people could practice public speaking. Did you know that? A lot of people don't know that. Public speaking, if they do a survey every year and it's number one or two on the list. What's your biggest fear? Public speaking.

[B]

But I was like that when we met. I didn't want to be on the podcast. I didn't want to talk in front of anybody.

[A]

Fifteen years ago, people think I'm not really a fucking God. I'm one of those dudes that shows up at your town, you bring your little fucked up kid to me. And I put my hand, my hand on his head. When Lee came to me, he was all fucked up. I put my hand on his head. The first night I had him with a hooker with a black eye at the Haha Cafe and he took her across.

[C]

Is this true?

[A]

Yeah, I had to do. But he didn't know she was a hooker. He didn't know she was a hooker? No.

[B]

Well, thanks for telling me she.

[A]

Dude, I didn't know she was a hooker either.

[B]

You did.

[A]

All right.

[B]

So it was like we met and like the first five or six times I would just go hang out with him. He would close out the old Haha Cafe with like, four people. And it was awesome. I was having, like, the time of my life. And we would sit at these, like, patio furniture chairs outside, and he would. He would smoke cigarette Mike and Ikes. And one one night, this woman just kind of like sat down. This is on Lankershim Boulevard, which is like, sort of like Main street of North Hollywood. Like, people would just walk up and down and. And this woman just sat down and she had a bandage around her head. And I was. Dude, I was 23. I was 23, and I didn't know what the fuck was going on.

[C]

And she's like a present wrapped in a bow.

[B]

No, it wasn't a bow. It was white and dirty. And this fucking asshole, this woman gets me talking. And I didn't know yet that you always had to have one eye on where Joey was. She's talking to me, but I don't remember what. And I look back, Joey gone, just gone.

[A]

I don't get between. Love.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I'm saying?

[A]

In the middle of love.

[B]

Meanwhile, this crazy lady, she was telling me, you're.

[C]

You're looking for a girl with a good head on her shoulders.

[B]

It was barely on there.

[C]

She's got a head.

[A]

Oh, my God, how I really lured him in. I didn't lure him with the chick because at the haha, a lot of people don't know this, but let's tell the truth. Lee, on Friday and Saturday night, the hot dog man at the corner that made you your favorite hot dog, that.

[B]

Wasn'T that early on, but that hot.

[A]

Dog, ah, don't be lying.

[B]

All right, maybe a couple hot dogs.

[A]

But yes, they used to have pineapples. What else? Yeah, I got food poisoning. I did.

[B]

Yeah, that was a sad day when I called him because everyone. So we're going between story, but this dude had a cart, a van and these bacon wrapped hot dogs, which if you haven't had a Mexican bacon wrapped hot dog, you really need to get one. They put mayo, which doesn't sound right, but they put onions and peppers and he would call me and just pick me up and we'd go to this dude and he probably was by the. Ha ha.

[A]

Yeah, he was across the street against the fence and they had like a half dollar. That's one of the best restaurants. And he would put a table out with all the fucking salsas and the cheese. And that's how you knew you were gonna get something because people just putting their hands on there. Oh yeah, on the way out of a bar. He got there at 12.

[B]

And then one night I was like, dude, let's go get hot dogs. Like, nah, bro, we can't go there anymore. I went last week and I fucking puked my brains out.

[A]

No, that was night. I remember I did that show at the Improv and then we all went there to celebrate and next day I was puking blood and shitting animals out of my ass. Fucking Mexican bacon with cartel shit on it.

[B]

Dude, that happened a few times. Rachel, do you know the thing with Joey is that they like don't text him. Have you heard that rule about him?

[C]

No.

[B]

Okay. That used to be a rule. And unless the only text.

[C]

What happened when you texted him?

[B]

He would get real upset, you get real angry. We don't text. We're from New Jersey and I'm not from.

[C]

But texting is fucking gay, bro.

[B]

It was. Except during this time, the only text I would ever get from him were just six in the morning pictures of the most horrific shits. You'd get those too, George. And then he just called me up like, what do you think of that? Meanwhile my Paula's sleeping in bed next to me and sick. I'm fucking still high from the podcast. Oh my God.

[A]

For me to send you A picture of a shit. It's got to be a real shit, okay? It's not going to be like, today a little carrot came out of my ass. I ain't sending you that picture. I'll send you, like, a fucking Chinese toothpick. One of those big motherfuckers that are skinny.

[B]

Yeah. But why did I feel like I was the only one getting those text messages now? George got them, thank God.

[A]

I sent them to people who I love no more. I stop because God's a motherfucker. When somebody sends me to your door, Oh, I got one back from somebody. I was eating, like, a taco. I had to throw the taco away and puke it up and shit. So I'm like, I'm not doing that anymore. I used to. Tom Segura and Burt. Those guys always deserve it. Duncan.

[B]

I bet Tom likes. Doesn't Tom like?

[A]

Yeah, Tom likes those things. Disgusting.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

They'll call a doctor on you. I did that to Rogan once. I took a poop in the bathroom in Irvine and I put a bunch of ketchup on it and I walked out and I waited for him to go in. He's like, jesus Christ, who needs to go to the doctor? We were tortured. We took the ketchup and put on the toilet paper and everything.

[B]

Hold on. I've heard this story, but, like, I always wanted to. Like, what made you look at this? Like, I gotta fucking.

[A]

Because I smelled it first. And I'm like, I gotta look at this just to make sure there's not an animal in there before me. And it was sticking out of the water. There was so much. That's why I put the ketchup like an island. It was like. So I put the ketchup on and I put the ketchup on the toilet paper and put it around it. Then we waited. I go, nobody's allowed in the bathroom till Joe gets off stage. And he went right into the bathroom and he's like, jesus fucking Christ, we're fucking dying. Why, Rachel? Because there's ketchup in the green room. So you bring it in the bathroom? You know how the Irvines are in Ontario?

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

They have the bathroom in the green room.

[C]

They're intense. Intimate.

[A]

Yeah, very intimate.

[B]

Do female comics do this stuff?

[C]

100.

[B]

Really?

[C]

I wish I was joking. We're. Now. We're what? In what way?

[B]

I don't. Pictures of throwing your tampons at people. I don't know.

[A]

What?

[B]

Like, just gross. Like, I was gonna. I thought you were gonna Say, no.

[C]

You don't know women. We're disgusting. But it's not that. Maybe not that, but it's like, you know, other things.

[B]

Is it. Is there like a lot of competition between female comedians or. No. Do you find.

[C]

No. We all just love each other so much. That's why there's so many of us on every show. We know. No, yeah, no, we. We love. We love working together.

[A]

It's a regular little affair of com.

[C]

Yeah. You know, we're so supportive of each other.

[B]

Why not?

[C]

What do you mean?

[B]

Like, why do you. Because I don't. There's like, I don't know, maybe I'm just not high enough in comedy yet. But like, there's a little bit of competition. But I don't like, hate any of like, I don't look at another chubby Jew and be like, I.

[C]

No, because you're a. Well, semi.

[B]

No.

[C]

Well, no, maybe not.

[B]

No, I hate everybody. But like, I don't know.

[C]

You're a lot. You're. But you're.

[B]

I've heard of like female comedians, like, not getting along.

[C]

And I. Yeah, that's the thing.

[B]

I didn't know.

[C]

It's just women in general.

[A]

Women.

[C]

Female comics, but female comics, probably because, you know, like any industry, it's male dominated and there's. You still have to like, prove that you're just as, Just as funny as all the other comics, you know, so it's like. And you know, there's. There's a probably. I want to. I don't want to say less opportunity, but there's not as many female comics as there are male comics. And I think that, you know, we have to everyone but women specifically, we always have to prove our. We deserve our place in comedy.

[B]

Right. And the other problem I have with that is like, let. Because I'm sure people say it about me, like, you get shows that you shouldn't get. Whatever shows.

[C]

Would that be.

[B]

I don't like for me, like, I get to open up for Joey in front of 4, 000 people at like, Like I'm do like. And I. And that's why I do put the work in. But on the other side of it, what I always think is like, let's say. Yeah, let's say it was total nepotism, whatever it is. Am I. Do you want you to turn down? Like, am I supposed to not try my fucking best and do.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, if you. If the foot was on the. If the shoe was on the other foot, you would take that opportunity to fuck.

[C]

Yeah, well, you didn't ask for it.

[A]

I took that opportunity. You should. So why wouldn't I give it? If I took it, why wouldn't I give it, right? But what do you think, that I just did 200 seat shows? You know, people have taken me. I remember one fucking particular instance where a guy called me and did. What's the theater on Wilton?

[C]

Ah, yeah.

[A]

And I was like, just happy to get a couple hundred. And this guy called me that night and he goes, we're splitting it four ways. Damn. Okay, so you want me to sit here and just go. I didn't get lucky. Can you imagine that? Expecting to get like 300 bucks on new Year's? And when you get there, they go, no, no, no. You see this place? We're splitting it four ways. It's on you. And I ate the biggest bag of dick with the check cash like a motherfucker. But it didn't. You're not. It's not. No. I probably didn't bomb because I was so happy. I was gonna say, you want a comic to be funny? Pay him before he goes on stage. That's the funniest motherfucker you're ever gonna have. When I put 500 in your hand on eight ball. That's the funniest he's ever gonna be right there. He's happy, he's got a dessert. I gave him weed, I gave him a hotel room. I couldn't give him a woman, but he's got all the tools to got him a hooker. Yeah. You know, you have to give opportunities when you got opportunities. I still remember barely having 15 minutes and some guy paying me like 600 bucks a show.

[C]

Isn't it crazy?

[A]

That's fucking crazy.

[C]

Right?

[A]

And then I'm driving home and all of a sudden my car blows up on the 70, it gets on fire and. And you're like.

[B]

Every time, you know, but it's.

[A]

That's the thing. How can you not give young comics opportunity? Why wouldn't you? I love giving an open mica 50 bucks.

[C]

I love it, I love it.

[A]

Yeah, they look at you and they just tremble. They look at. Well, I can't take the. Take it and go to fuck home before I do change my mind.

[C]

Yeah, well, you know, that's why I. That's one of the reasons why I started this mic. And last week I had. I paid a photographer to come and take head shots of all the comics. Because when you first start, at least in LA, they're like 400 bucks.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

You get scammed multiple Times over. It's not even a real photographer. He wants to you and like, it's like, fine, but are the shots good?

[B]

Like, you know, that never happened to me. Well, I got plenty of headshots and whatever you got.

[C]

Loofah.

[A]

People still ask for headshots.

[C]

Well, it's more like when you book a show, they want a professional picture. And a lot of these, like, when I first started, you don't even, you know, like, they're people who will submit their, like, selfies.

[B]

Right.

[C]

You know, when you first start. Because they don't know. And, like, these are just things that I would want if I were to start. Like, you know, someone telling me, guiding me, you know, because they don't have some of these comics that come to my mic, sleep in their cars, you know, so it's like, you know what I mean?

[A]

I remember getting to the la. Getting to the Comedy Store, and that Monday I had an audition and I didn't even know what to do. And the piano player, who was a gay Spanish guy with a cute little hat, told me he was a photographer and he shot me. And those pictures, I used those for I don't know how many years. Yeah, you know, you remember all you. The first headshot, it was a baker at La Dizio in Boulder. He took my headshots with me drinking an egg cream or something like that. Whatever. You didn't know. You don't fucking know. But that's a great idea to do for these guys. Like, get headshots, even action shots. Because I don't even know who needs a headshot anymore.

[C]

Well, no, just like, you know, a professional photo.

[B]

Do they ask for it all? They ask for a headshot and bio all the time.

[A]

All the clubs and everything.

[C]

All the clubs, all the booker, even, like, for, like, bar shows, they want a headshot.

[B]

And the problem is, is you want to give them have a headshot. Because I can't tell you, whenever I have this one, like, really fat picture, me. And whenever people don't ask for a headshot, that's the picture they take. You got to have it.

[C]

Yeah. So it's like, you know, these are just things like, whenever. Now that, you know, I'm a little bit further along in. In comedy, you know, people starting now, they. They're just so lost. And it's like, when you start comedy, it's. It's scary, it's intimidating. And you don't have, you know, a lot of, like, I didn't have a big sis. I had. I did have male mentors I never had a female comic want to mentor me, but that's what I wish I had was something like that woman.

[A]

Yeah. Or.

[C]

Or just like a comic, like, willing to kind of show me the ropes. Like, here's the direction, you know, because a lot of time you don't have. You don't start comedy with direction. You know, there's a lot of going in the wrong direction before you figure out.

[A]

For two years, I didn't know.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And I came here for nine months, and that opened up the view. I'm like, oh, this is what it is. He said, why, man? Okay. And then I went back to Denver. Now I had a plan, and it was bar shows and, you know, but you don't know for the first three years. And it is rough. It's uncharted waters. And, like, the only thing I had was the Judy Carter work.

[C]

And there's bad people out there, too, who prey on, you know, vulnerable artists and new artists. Especially when you start stand up, a lot of times you're just, like, not in a good place or you're not coming from a good place.

[A]

You know, there's a page on Facebook, like, New Jersey open mics. There's like, eight of them.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And I just want to see where the open mics are. So I joined all of them, you know, and once a week, I don't even know how they don't, because I just go on there to see where the open mics are, if they're changing, maybe something close to my house. And all those guys always, like, once a week, one of those guys goes, this Joey Diaz, why don't you come to the open mic and coach us? And I'm like, I can't go.

[C]

I think that's the. Where I first met you in person was at the fourth wall.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

I saw both of you there.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And I was like, oh, wow, Uncle Joey does open mics. I was like, well, then I got to be doing open mics for the rest of my life. And so ever. I never stop. I'll never stop going to open.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I don't give a. I don't give a If. If you're a comic and you're like, I don't do open mics, then I don't respect you.

[A]

For me, I didn't have to go to open mics. I had something better.

[C]

What?

[A]

Mexican rooms.

[C]

Well, that's also, like, we have that in la and that.

[B]

Yeah, exactly.

[A]

Edwin Perez.

[C]

Exactly.

[A]

Rudy Moreno, God rest his soul, gave me a lot of money all those years at $35 a set at the Brave Bull, it's still that motherfucker.

[C]

Well, Felipe's one of my first.

[A]

Yeah. Mentors get on the wrong. Yeah. So it's kind of weird. The Mexican rooms were my open mics. They wouldn't put the TV off during the Laker game or when those Dodgers are on. You gotta do comedy. If somebody hits home run, fucking, the room blows up.

[B]

Oh, but, dude, that's a level above open mics.

[A]

Like, but it's a great level. I would do those first and then do my set, the Comedy store. Oh, that's 12 o' clock at night.

[B]

That's what I. Because I. I still do them occasionally. I have tried to slow down and like to start hanging out more at clubs, but it's. I would love to be at a place where I feel like I could, like, try new stuff out. Even at bar. Like, I don't know.

[C]

You could do that at bar shows.

[B]

Right now I feel the pressure that I. I'll try, like, if something comes to me in the moment. But, like, it's tough for me.

[C]

You do that the bar shows.

[B]

I still use open mics for that.

[C]

No, do it.

[A]

Because, listen, at a bar show, they're not really paying attention either.

[B]

Yeah, I feel like the comics are, though.

[A]

The comics.

[C]

Bro. Nah, bro. They don't understand what you're doing. You know, a real comic understands what you're doing there and will respect you more than if you go up with material you've been doing for years.

[B]

Right. Well, that. I agree with that. I, like, I'm always working on, like, a new chunk, but there's a. I don't know. At least in my head, I have, like, material that I'm working on at Mike's. That. And then I have material that's like, okay, I found out that this works. Let's try it here. But I. I don't know. In Austin, I don't know if you feel this, but, like, the big clubs, I. In New York, I feel like. Not that I'm gonna get discovered, but, like, if I have a bad. A few bad sets in a row, like, the word's gonna get out because comics talk. And like, I. I don't. I still feel like I need to prove myself.

[C]

It's. We always have to prove ourselves no matter what. We're always proving ourselves in new ways or whatever. But, like, it's. You gotta. You can't care about that. You can't care about that.

[B]

I bomb all the time. I don't necessarily Even mind bombing. I just.

[C]

What are you worried about? That other people will think you're not funny?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Not everyone's gonna think you're funny.

[B]

No, I know I don't. But I. I want them not even funny. I want them to, like, respect, of course, and, like, get booked. And like, that's what. The stuff is slowly starting to get a little bit busier. I'm like, okay. And it's. I don't know that when you're talking about open mics, that's what I would. That's what I view open mics for is like, that's where I don't mind going up and just throwing stuff out there.

[C]

Well, there's also something really badass about taking risks in person. And, like, there's a way to do it, you know, you. You can take those risks in the middle of your set.

[A]

You can hide them. I tell them all the time. You hide them in the middle once you got them and they laughing. It's a rotation, okay? It's a rotation. So boom, boom. It's a beat. And now you're like, fuck it, I got four beats already. Let me try this off color joke. But you're also gonna be prepared. It's like throwing a sidekick at a ufc. That guy could grab your leg and pull it out. So be careful, right? So if you throw that sidekick, you better be careful that you have a fucking punch to go into him, guy.

[B]

And if I'm being honest, like, I do feel more confident, especially the last year, but it's still. I don't know, like, I'm. I'm so looking forward, like, in the next couple of years. My goal is to be at the major. Not. I'm not the seller's a different level, but like the major New York comedy clubs. That's my goal over the next couple of years. And that's when. I don't know, in my head, I'm like, that's when I'll be able to go to bar shows. And those are my open mics. Then is when I'm. When I can say I'm doing three at New York and you're already there. I'm not there in the clubs yet.

[C]

No, you're already at that point in your career where you could be doing.

[A]

That and the clubs are just around the corner. You don't.

[B]

In a huge rush.

[A]

They're around the corner, my friend.

[B]

I.

[C]

And it's Lee. You're hilarious.

[B]

I appreciate it. I bombed super hard at St. Mark's.

[A]

Game of percentage.

[C]

I respect you more for bombing than going up with the same material for 10 years. It also happens.

[B]

I'm just. Honestly, it's to the point. This woman, this woman told me that she did ketamine with the Kennedys. And then she got up and yelled at me that she could see my stomach from Times Square. And I don't know what I did to her.

[C]

That's hilarious.

[B]

I don't know what the fuck I said to her. It was a crazy. It was right after the dojo. Dude, I've had. It's been fun and that's fucking cold blooded. Oh, I know.

[A]

No, I love that I have ever heard.

[C]

You got to write that shit down.

[B]

Oh, I had write it down. I'm Jewish and neurotic. That shit's been playing in my live.

[C]

In your rent?

[B]

No, but it makes me laugh. Cuz I was like, I was feeling skinny. That like I thought I looked pretty good. I didn't think I was that fat anymore, but it was.

[C]

But then, well, it's the same way how you see yourself is the same way how you think that you're not ready to do like new material at bar shows.

[B]

Right? I guess. Yeah. Dude, I've struggled with, with confidence. Like, and I'm. And this is like the most confident I've ever been. And it's not very confident and I'm just. I. That is something that I don't have. And I, and I feel, I do feel like I'm working very hard and I feel like I am a good comic. I'm. I'm proud. Like, I think I'm as good or better than a lot of people. But like, like off stage it's different. Like, I wish, almost wish I could live my life on stage. I'd be a fucking pimp if I could. Like, if that was the person that was out in the real world.

[C]

You are. You have to realize that you are.

[B]

I tried a little bit with women and when I was like hitting on women, that's when I like, I would just pretend I was on stage and like fake it.

[C]

What was your. What's your move, Lee?

[B]

I have no.

[C]

Pretend I'm a girl you're hitting on. What would you say to me.

[B]

Girl, I'm hitting on. I'd be on that chair over there just like staring at you, hoping that like a rom com happened and like you were into chubby guys and he came over like, you know, I just want to rub your head or that might work.

[C]

I like my head being rubbed.

[B]

No, no, no.

[A]

Me.

[B]

You mind your Head.

[C]

I'll rub your head.

[B]

Me rub me do. Can you imagine me going up to a girl, any girl, and just be like, hey, I want to rub your head?

[C]

I might take that.

[B]

No, you.

[C]

Yeah, 100%. Who doesn't like a good head?

[B]

Brad pit.

[C]

Yeah. No. No, you don't.

[B]

He might meet an Austin Sweaty. Coming up.

[C]

I got Brad armpit over here. I'll take it. I'll take Brad armpit over.

[B]

Listen, I'll take it. That's a credit.

[A]

You're torturing them. I love it.

[B]

This is fun.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Oh, I love it. Oh, yeah, that one. There was one. I think the best one was the. The transgender woman at the. At the Hollywood Dojo. Do you remember there was this very pretty lady who would be at, like, kill Tony all the time in the store.

[C]

Cassandra. Blonde girl.

[B]

Yeah. I don't.

[C]

Yeah, blonde, big boobs.

[B]

I was at the dojo. I was like, a year or two in a comedy. And this other comic, Andrew, they must have been friends. So, like, they were going back and forth about being transgender. And I'm a year or two into comedy, and I tried a joke that. About transgender. The crowd laughed. I will say that I was very happy with it.

[C]

Oh, wait, you're not talking about. Are you talking about a hot. Like, the hot one, or there's one that wasn't hot?

[B]

I don't know. I think very pretty.

[C]

Okay. It matters.

[B]

And the problem I had is that her and the other comic were going back and forth like. Like they were friends, and I thought that I could do it. She got. So she got upset and called me Danny DeVito and then threw. Threw a pepperoni at me.

[C]

You should have called. You should have called her Manny DeVito.

[B]

I. I had. I crumble. I didn't go. I felt so bad. I did. I thought it was, like, a fun. Like, she was in the comedy scene, like it was gonna be okay, and the crowd thought it was a good joke. I'm still proud of the joke, but. But she did not like it at all. And that when she threw that pepperoni at me, it was. Fucking dog.

[A]

For 35 years, nobody ever threw pepperoni at me. I got a beer bottle. You know, I don't want that.

[B]

I'd much rather have pepperoni thrown at me.

[C]

Yeah, I feel like you're not complaining about that. I feel like you like me thrown at you.

[A]

You know what the funny thing is? If you would have picked up the pepperoni and ate it.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

That's where you beat them. You just pick it up and go, fuck you, bitch. I was looking for some pepperoni anyway.

[B]

And shit find I, I, I have to find the recording. I'm going to find it. Maybe I did. I, I used to eat off people's plates. Like they, I'd make a job. In fact I'm making fat jokes and they would like offer me food on that would get a huge laughs. If like you just. Someone offers you a nacho and you take a nacho on stage. That's crazy. Less fat.

[A]

Why won't you in town for Rach? What's going on?

[C]

Till, till Wednesday? Till tomorrow.

[A]

And then what?

[C]

Just stand up. And then I'm traveling around for the next few months and then. Yeah, just go on the road in the next.

[A]

You're really going after?

[C]

Yeah, okay. Yeah, I love stand up.

[A]

I'll shoot you some dates if you could.

[C]

I would love that.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Are you, Are you kidding me? Yeah, I would love that.

[A]

You know, just let me know if you want to come up.

[C]

I'm down to clown.

[A]

Cause I gotta get a woman pretty soon because I have guys. I gotta get a woman up front. Because a lot of women buy tickets for their dates for men.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Then they come to the show and they get nothing. They get three people talking about dick and pussy and they sit there like fucking orphans. So I always used to have a woman just to give them something. They went out for their. You know. If a woman comes to one of my shows, I wanna, like I'm thinking about buying flowers or something for women because for them to sit through my, you know, they need something. They need a hug.

[C]

A support group.

[A]

A support group.

[B]

You know, you probably partner with a florist in the cities you're going to.

[A]

What happened?

[B]

You could probably partner with a florist in the city you're going to.

[A]

I'm sorry, I didn't know that I was gonna call Colombian flight on there and pick them up and then bring them back.

[B]

No, I'm saying God damn.

[A]

No, I know.

[B]

You should go to Columbia and pick him up.

[A]

I'm just saying that's why I always liked.

[B]

That's a nice idea.

[A]

Women in front because they get something nice for the ladies. It's not three guys talking about dick.

[C]

And also when your girl's happy, you know you're happy. Like if you're taking your girl to the show when she's.

[A]

Oh yeah.

[C]

Like your audience, you know.

[A]

Well, I'm married.

[C]

My wife, not your. But like you're like the guy in the audience, you know, if he if his. If his girl's happy, he's happy.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

You know, so it's.

[A]

And you could see it when they walk out. You can see the girls are at least. Thank God, you know, whatever. So that's why. So. Yeah. I love to have you.

[C]

Let's do it.

[A]

Maybe Mississippi. The casino Mississippi.

[C]

Yeah. Mississippi it is. Ippi.

[A]

Yeah. You're close. You're close to that now. Do you. Have you been going to Houston for comedy?

[C]

Yeah, Houston. Dallas, Fort Worth.

[A]

Who books you in Dallas?

[C]

I do. Big laugh or Hyenas.

[A]

Hyenas. Hyenas still the big club.

[C]

I like hyenas.

[A]

I remember I was at Hyenas once. They had room. Fort Worth.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And after. It was a Sunday night, it was a black show.

[C]

I love that.

[A]

I did the weekend, but I stayed for the black show. And then. I'll never forget this. I went outside and I maybe had. They paid me 50 bucks. And I'm like, what am I gonna do with 50 bucks? And there was a 400 pound black dude with a T shirt on selling pork chop sandwiches. Okay. He hadn't cleaned the grill in maybe three years. He was just scraping it. And he'd throw more pork chops on it. And he'd throw bijole, not bijole, the shit to Spanish people and salt and pepper. And he would put em on white bread with the bone and everything. You had to eat around the pork chop with the white bread for like 2 bucks. I must ate 15 of em. I'm like, God bless America. Black lives matter, you know what I'm saying? Pork chop outside. And I went home going, man, I'm gonna be fucking sick on that plane tomorrow. Went home, tip top Magoo. The guy used nice pork chops, thin. And he fried them and he just came down. Wonder bread didn't go out of his way to get your Italian mustard, huh?

[B]

Mustard?

[A]

Does it matter? Yeah, I had gray Poupon. He's black, he's lucky.

[B]

No, just French. Is yellow. Sounds good.

[C]

Are you a sauce queen?

[B]

I'm a mustard whore. I'll. I'll up. The only mustard I'm not really a huge fan of is honey mustard. Everything else I love.

[A]

Next time you get a nice turkey burger, grill it and put a little mustard on it. With run onion.

[B]

Love it.

[A]

And a tomato. I had a girl do that four days a week.

[C]

Maybe some jalapenos.

[A]

I hate turkey burgers. But this chick made a nasty turkey burger. Oh, with mustard and a little. Whatever, dude.

[B]

I went to a Chinese place that had a A Chinese. Like a. You know the mustard you get at Chinese restaurants?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

They made a martini that flavor.

[C]

No way.

[B]

And they gave you the mustard with the wontons to dip in as you're drinking it. It was. I'm not a drinker. That was the coolest thing I've ever had.

[A]

That is.

[B]

Oh, it was delicious.

[A]

Wasabi almonds. Gave you one of those.

[B]

Those are my favorite. Oh, those soy almonds, those green little bags. But you can't get the Walmart kind. Those taste like ass. No, no, I tried to save some money.

[C]

No way.

[B]

The.

[A]

Is this what I'm talking about?

[B]

Get expensive that.

[A]

Trying to save a dollar?

[B]

No, it's way more than a dollar. Walmart gives you a bag of 100 million for like $3.

[A]

No. So what?

[B]

You can taste it. I didn't finish it. And you know me.

[A]

But no, no. The other company is spot on with those dam after bag. You got to like drink something and then go back to them. They're heavy duty.

[B]

Yeah. I pretend like they're healthy when I get them on the road.

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah. That's what you do it to.

[C]

Vegetables.

[B]

I'm like, yeah, yeah. No, I'm like one bag.

[A]

One little bag is healthy.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

22 of them. You're going into a different league. I do the same thing.

[B]

Those are good. What's your favorite, like, road snack? Do you eat, like, snacks when you're driving through Texas?

[C]

Oh, yeah. I love Buc ee's. Have you been to Buc ee's?

[B]

He gets so.

[A]

Don't get it started.

[C]

What happened?

[B]

I was gonna wear this shirt today, but I didn't want to get yelled at twice.

[A]

Just because you go to Buc EE's is good. He's 38 with a. What do you mean? We're the same age.

[B]

Do you have any Bucky's merch?

[C]

Are you kidding? I have boxers. I have. I have like, lounge pants, workout shorts. I want to. I have two pairs of sweatpants. I want to get the slides. Like, I love Bucky. I want to get married in a Bucky's wedding dress. Like, I'm not.

[B]

They have them. They have them for sure. Listen, the food's.

[C]

I have a Bucky's thong. I got a Bucky's garter bell. Yeah. Bucky's tampons. Like, I literally. I want Bucky's everywhere.

[A]

You got Bucky.

[C]

I want Bucky's everywhere.

[A]

You're all bucked up.

[C]

Yeah, I'm bucked up. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Yes. Oh, yeah. I'M not Bam going. And Bug. He made fun of my sweatshirt.

[A]

Because you're a grown man.

[C]

But literally, I literally got like Captain Video on.

[B]

If you go to Ted, I'll be around the country and they'll be like, Buck Hayes. If you wear this in Texas, I'm like, whatever it is. Canelo. Wherever in Mexico like it is, they love Buc EE's.

[C]

Yeah, dude, I love buggies when I.

[A]

Buy a Bucky shirt. So I'm liked, yeah, who gives? A little bit, dude, at least she's got underwear. Nobody knows to what's under there.

[B]

You keep telling me I wear those on the places and they're going to be like, can I touch? I've never met a Jew before. I'm trying to be a friendly Jew in a Bucky sweatshirt.

[A]

Well, that Bucky's ain't going to make any. It might as well put like. No, Put a Bucky shirt.

[C]

Honestly, I looked like the Buc ee's logo growing up. So I'm very like. I feel very attached to that brand.

[B]

That's a cool Rachel.

[A]

You're a cool. You really are. I felt great having you today.

[C]

Thank you so much.

[A]

When I saw you were in town, I'm like, you know what? I'm going to give her a hug. Just wanted to see you.

[C]

You know, I love when you call me Uncle Joey.

[A]

Yeah, I call you and you're like.

[C]

Call me one checks up on me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Can I just call you? Cause you're fucking family. You know what I'm saying?

[C]

I love it.

[A]

Your family.

[C]

I love you, Uncle Joey.

[A]

I'll never forget, one time just Kim Condom moved back to Orlando, right? And I go, kim, I'm doing a show in Miami. Do you want to open for me? And like two hours later, I look on Twitter and it's like, it's always a good day when Uncle Joey calls you for breakfast. And I'm like, these are my girls.

[C]

Yeah. Love you.

[A]

I love those girls. And the crazy Jewish, Puerto Rican.

[C]

Let's go.

[A]

She's on her own, Sarah. Yes. I love her because you have yin and yang there.

[C]

Yeah. No, no, no, they're great.

[A]

They're great together. That's one of my favorite.

[C]

And I feel like I'm like a combination of both of them. So when you get the three of us together, it's like so fun.

[A]

It's good to see that you guys are still seeing how many fucking girls went through the store. No, I'm telling you, that's why I'm saying to you, every Month, a hot girl came. Do you remember Barbie Orr?

[C]

No, I didn't. That was way before that time.

[A]

She'd come on Sundays in a Porsche and she had fake tits, but the vein went through the tit like a bodybuilder.

[B]

Oh my God.

[A]

Like she was a bodybuilder. Now she really wasn't a bodybuilder, but she had the tit. And the doctor cut the vein wrong. So the vein went right through her tit and it was like cut. She was cut. Tits were like little hardballs, like little spalding balls. So that face, she was thin, but like he was a girl that came. There were so many women that call themselves stand up and they come up one day a week and there was always bullshit. And then you saw the girls that were there battling it out, fucking getting hit on every night, fucking tortured, have to follow this. And you look at those women, after a while, man, you start respecting them a lot more. You're like, any guy could do this till two in the morning. Look at these women still banging up up here, fucking hanging out, trying to get a fallout and shit.

[C]

You know, we love it.

[A]

It's a different fucking world. So I really appreciate you and I appreciate like when you were working with Felipe, like you had this little buzz. Wolfie, Wolfie.

[C]

So I really appreciate both of you guys have always supported me since I started.

[A]

Yeah, man. You know, listen, you're like daughters now. You guys are like daughters. Like I got a 12 year old, I told you I had a punisher. And I feel fucking terrible, but what am I gonna do? I gotta do something. I don't yell at her, I don't hit her. You know, I give her what she wants and then you know this shit. So I was like, you gotta go down for two weeks. And we're taking all the makeup now. Now you're done, you wanna dress up like.

[C]

But when she gets older, she'll appreciate that. Cause I now looking back, I appreciate the times when my dad was hard on me.

[A]

Yeah, no, you have not. I'm not fucking kicking her in the stomach and calling her a bitch or nothing. Not even close.

[C]

But you know, when I caught her.

[A]

I didn't even say nothing. I went and took so hula edge prevail because I was upset, because I didn't tell her once, I didn't tell her twice, My mother told her twice. And then I told her again, mercy, you're too young, baby. You could do this stuff. Just don't put that on your eyes because I'm gonna Get a call from the school.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

That I'm allowing Wonder Woman go to fucking school with that white shit on your eyes. So today when she. She was putting on in school and she forgot to take it off. So when she came in, I was sitting there with my wife and I just looked at her and like, God damn it. And she had forgotten until she started talking to me. I could see it in her face. And I remember looking at her like, mercy, you put that on your face. She's like, I'm sorry, Dad. I just didn't say nothing. But it reminded me. When I was in the eighth grade, I was walking home with a kid that smoked. Bad motherfucker. Yeah. Smoking, coughing, smoking. And all of a sudden we look up and his mother was right there. I'll never forget that. And he went to spit the cigarette out, but the cigarette stuck to his lip. And his mother's like, just make sure you're home for dinner. He's like, all right, I will. And the cigarette was there the whole time. She didn't say a fucking word. When he got home, his father was waiting for him with six cartons of cigarettes, a box of tobacco. They gave him everything. He had to sit there. They still have pictures of him fucking puke all over the table. They made him smoke fucking till from 3:30. He smoked till like midnight.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, now he's dead.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[A]

He died shortly after that. Dead. Dead. So hopefully I'll see you next week.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

And I gotta tell you something, man. I've seen you grow up. You look beautiful. You've grown up to be a beautiful woman, like Ally McGraw. You're like a 70s fucking heartthrob. You know what I'm saying? The hair is beautiful. So I'm happy you're still doing this. I'm very proud of you. And I'm happy you stopped by and got a shot and tortured Lee a little bit. Brad Armpit. That's hysterical. That is hysterical. You got any dates you want to push on here? Beautiful.

[C]

Just follow me on Instagram, social media, and you'll see where I'm at and where I'm going. So, yeah, at Rachel Wolfson, at Wolfie Comedy.

[A]

All the things Wolfie. Yeah, I love that. Wolfie is Eddie Munson's teddy bear. Oh, I used to date a girl that her vagina looked like Wolfie the Teddy Bear. And I said it on stage.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I didn't know she was in the OR that night. And she got offended.

[C]

Yeah, that's where. That's where my name comes from. It's a tribute to that Uncle Joey.

[A]

I love Wolfie. Where you at, Lee?

[B]

Two big shows this week. September 26th, I'm headlining the Dojo. George got the poster. It's going to be a great show. Go to tiff's comedy.com for that. And then Wednesday, I'm going to be at the New York Comedy Club, Upper west side, doing the spot. So a lot of other shows are on the city this week. It's a busy week, but those two, I'll be in Brooklyn. I'll be in Greenwich Village. So a lot of shows this week, very excited.

[A]

I'll be in one place. Wednesday night. I'm in West Nyack, New York. The wait list is still there. And I'm back there all October 8th. But we'll get to that. Just focus on this Wednesday. Beside that, I got dick. I got November 8th, D.C. at the casino. Yeah. Levity Live. I got. No, no, no, that's not the casino. The November 8th, it's at. Where the fuck is it? DC something. Who gives a fuck? Virginia is December. December 5th. November 25th is Philadelphia. The night before Thanksgiving. That's always on fucking top. You know what I'm saying? Tip top. So beside that, I got nothing. I want to thank my little angel Rachel. I want to thank Lee Syat and everybody in crew here. And I want to thank you guys. And to all the Jews in the struggle, Happy Rosh Hashanah. Stay black, motherfuckers. Don't ever forget. Have a great week. What's up, beautiful people? Uncle Joey here, let me ask you a question. You know, we do certain things, we get hungry, we want a little bit of sugar. And if you want that taste from your childhood without the sugar headache, it's time for Magic Spoon. Ooh. Magic Spoon is the cereal you used to eat on Saturday mornings, but built it for your old person metabolism. Magic Spoon's got 13 grams of protein. That's right, 13 grams of protein, 0 grams of sugar and 4 grams of net carbs. Are you kidding me or what? Wait till you taste it. You think you're a little kid and your grandmother's gonna come up and give you a dollar out of her stinky bra. You ever have those situations? Now, if you're running out the door and you skip the milk, grab their treat cereal bars that you can take on the go. Jack, each bar has 12 grams of protein, so you'll stay full until lunch break. Who's better than you? Nobody. What we're gonna do here is get your $5 off. Your next order at magicspoon.com church c h u r C h. Or look for Magic Spoon on Amazon or in your nearest grocery store. That's magicspoon.comchurch for $5 off. All right. Thank you for eating Magic Spoon.