Smoking with three hands

Summary

The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament

Episode: Smoking with Three Hands

Date: July 28, 2026

Host: Joey “Coco” Diaz
Guests & Co-Hosts: Lee Syatt, Pedro Garcia

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Episode Overview

In this lively episode, Joey Diaz is joined live in NYC by comedian/gamer Pedro Garcia, with regular co-host Lee Syatt. The trio dives deep into stories about comedy’s gritty road life, growing up in North Bergen, the evolution of stand-up, the rise of video game culture, and the importance of community and motivation among comics. Full of nostalgia, wild memories, and advice for up-and-comers, this is a classic Joey Diaz mix of laughs, old-school wisdom, and raw real talk.

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Key Discussion Points

1. Weather, Floods & NYC Life

• 00:03-02:26
  • Joey opens with updates from NYC, noting wild summer storms and local flooding. The group shares stories of street flooding in Queens and Texans adapting to the weather.
    • Notable – Joey’s classic exaggerated retelling: “There’s a black cloud right over my fucking head. And then it rained. But I mean, Lee, coming down.” (01:15)

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2. Late Night Comedy War Stories

• 02:26-07:25
  • Pedro shares a wild tour in Texas: drunken crowds, hecklers, and audience chaos.
  • Joey recalls formative late-shows where anything goes, reflecting on how road gigs toughen comics.
    • Quote (04:50) Joey: “The late shows on the road, they're not controlled... it's hand to hand combat.”
    • Lee recounts Texas gigs: “The Friday and Saturday shows were pretty busy. The late show Friday was like 20 people. Six out of 20 got permanently banned from the club because they were so fucked up.” (02:35)
  • Discussion on clubs in Waco, the unpredictability, and the importance of learning from each locale.

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3. Growing Up North Bergen: Crime, Candy, and Coming of Age

• 07:25-13:00
  • Joey and Pedro reminisce about North Bergen: shady arcades, laundry mats, robbing gas stations, and dining-and-dashing at Chinese spots.
  • Hilariously criminal nostalgia, Joey style:
    • “I went to try to rob a water pistol, but I got arrested shoplifting the water pistol. That's just to let you know, the early retardations of Joey Diaz.” (25:29)
    • Lee: “Why is it always Chinese places?” (30:04) Joey: “It’s not that I’m a racist robber. You sell falafels, I’m in.” (30:12)

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4. Arcades, Video Games, and Streaming Culture

• 10:10-17:00
  • Pedro’s roots in gaming: childhood discovery (Nintendo 64), to gaming as a college student and adult.
    • Pedro: “Since I was like six years old, dude.” (10:26)
    • “I used to do, try to do good at sports to get a video game… There’s nothing else motivated me.” (15:22)
  • The evolution from neighborhood arcades (where “you’d buy drugs”) into streaming, and Joey’s amazement at Twitch.
    • Joey: “People pay to watch people play video games! When I heard that, my mind almost fucking blew up.” (13:40)
  • Pedro explains the appeal and social dynamics of streaming—friendships, personality-driven viewing, and how comedy/gaming overlaps.
    • “Sometimes you don’t even have to be good at the video game. People just like you because of your personality.” (15:22)

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5. Rituals, Habits, and Addiction

• 19:00-24:00
  • Joey details his old-school indulgences: coffee, cigarettes, Mike & Ikes, and the comforts of ritual before gigs.
    • “There is nothing I love more than doing the same ritual before your spot…” (22:14)
  • They discuss the addictive personality: from gaming to drugs to work habits.

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6. Changing Neighborhoods & Nostalgia

• 31:12-37:34
  • A mournful but comedic look at the emptier, quieter North Bergen.
    • Joey: “I sit there in awe, guys… you hear about things changing, but when you see them change in front of your eyes, it’s two different things.” (31:29)
  • Memories of walking hilly neighborhoods, legendary food stops, and how physical hardships shaped them.

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7. Comedy: Motivation, Process, and the Grind

• 41:52-55:47
  • Joey describes the realities of the road, audience dynamics, balancing family, and why the “hang” offstage is crucial.
    • “It’s not that show, it’s the fucking hang… You just want to pick up little tidbits of guys that have been doing it longer than you.” (41:52)
  • Joey and Lee discuss balancing comedy with family, traveling for quality sets vs. local gigs, and how to “build muscle memory” as a comic.
    • “If I get on stage a couple nights in a row, I build that muscle memory…” (62:15)

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8. Advice for Comics, Building Audiences & New Models

• 69:00-73:46
  • Discussion of Shane Gillis’ record-breaking stadium show (77,000 seats in Philadelphia) as a signal of changing times.
    • “You know how they do Coachella? Three days, though. I could see them doing a comedy rap two-day event… you get those numbers every 90 days. If you build it, they’ll come.” (71:05 – 73:46)
  • Joey on the artist’s path: “There's no fucking secret, dog... It's the same mathematical thing. What's algebra—X plus Y equals X. You gotta figure out what the X is and the Y is.” (103:47)

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9. On Overcoming Fear & Starting Late

• 87:45-98:03
  • Pedro and Joey both recount their slow, fear-riddled journeys to first open mics—Joey’s infamous “18 month,” Pedro’s “three year” delay.
    • “It took me a year and a half to get on stage finally. Bro, pussified… that lull I took of pussiness…” (89:30)
    • Pedro: “I was scared man… what are people going to think about me?” (90:41)
  • The flood of emotion and validation from that first set, and the life changes set off by stand-up.

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10. Comedy as a Lifetime Game

• 99:28–108:41
  • As Joey reflects on aging in comedy, the joy of mentoring, and the youthful energy of newer comics:
    • “Now I'm having fun at these shows… it’s because you young guys come, you show up. We get the worst appetizers in the world. We eat, we smoke dope. You steal lighters, motherfucker...” (108:38)

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• Joey on Late Shows:
  “If it's not an improv or like a civilized club, you're on your own. It's hand to hand combat.” (04:51)

• On Road Lessons:
  “That's why when people tell you to go on the road…what they tell you is to experience… You just said it. I didn't do a minute of material. I just stood up there and got beat up. Welcome to the road.” (05:00)

• On Twitch:
  “People pay to watch people play video games! When I heard that, my mind almost fucking blew up.” (13:40)

• On North Bergen Kids:
  “All we did was walk. Nobody had a car when we were kids in North Bergen... Everybody had good calves.” (35:18)

• On Shane Gillis' Stadium Show:
  “Pay attention, you fucking hump. That’s the direction it might be going… If you build it, they’ll come. That’s how we were raised in the United States of America.” (71:05–73:46)

• Advice to Young Comics:
  “There's no fucking secret, dog... What's algebra—X plus Y equals X... You gotta figure out what the X is and the Y is… This is comedy algebra.” (103:47)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

| Segment | Timestamps | |-----------------------------------|--------------| | NYC weather/flood stories | 00:03-02:26 | | Road comedy/latenight show chaos | 02:26-07:25 | | North Bergen nostalgia, crimes | 07:25-13:00 | | Video game/gaming culture | 10:10-17:00 | | Rituals & addiction | 19:00-24:00 | | Changing neighborhoods | 31:12-37:34 | | Comedy “hang,” process discussion | 41:52-55:47 | | Shane Gillis stadium show | 69:00-73:46 | | Fear of first mic/starting late | 87:45-98:03 | | Comedy as a lifelong game | 99:28-108:41 |

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Closing & Plugs

• Pedro Garcia: Instagram & Twitch @mostlycuban
• Lee Syatt: Performing at multiple NYC venues, listing upcoming dates
• Joey Diaz: Upcoming gigs—Aug 5th Brooklyn Improv, Aug 7-8 Atlantic City.

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Summary

“Smoking with Three Hands” is a hilarious, heartfelt rollercoaster through Joey Diaz’s comedy universe—part hometown lore, part survival manual for comics. The trio swaps war stories from the stand-up road, deconstructs the craft and culture of gaming and streaming, and navigates the new economics and models of live comedy. Underneath the chaos and cursing, it’s an episode about always coming back—whether to the game, the home neighborhood, or the next open mic.

Classic Joey wisdom: stay motivated, handle adversity, and “just keep getting on stage.”

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Next up: More tales, more laughs, more Church—every Tuesday.

Transcript

[A]

Kick this mule. What's up, beautiful people? It's Tuesday, July 21st. Welcome to another fun filled edition of the Church of what's snapping now, New Testament. How you like me now? You know what I'm saying? That vitamin stuff is working. Anyway, we got a great show for you tonight. We got my main man, Pedro Garcia. Hello, comedian and gamer extraordinaire. We're going to cover a couple topics. And my main brother from a different mother, Johnny Hitler on his birthday. Wish we got a club cake. We're doing dabs. We're doing everything tonight. Holy. Yeah. What's going on, gentlemen?

[B]

Chilling, man.

[A]

Everybody had a good weekend. Everybody got rained on this?

[B]

Oh, yeah, with the ring.

[A]

It was real rain.

[C]

Oh, I saw the flooding in Queens. Yeah, I forgot about that, bro.

[A]

It came down by me four times. Like, it came down for like 30 minutes. It was pure destruction. Not a lot of wind. Nobody's power went out. Then the fucking sun come out.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you're like, oh, shit. Okay. And you go do a couple things. You go out to the car to get your wallet and you're like, what the fuck just happened? Darkness. It's two in the afternoon. There's a black cloud right over my fucking head. And then it rained. But I mean, Lee, coming down.

[C]

Did it flood? Because remember in LA the streets would flood and like we were used to

[A]

la, flooded maybe eight days ago.

[C]

Did it really?

[A]

Yeah, no, no, no. Maybe like last Tuesday night.

[C]

But then I. I didn't know that. But then I. At least in la, I expected it. I saw some videos of queens of it. Like the firefighters had to save people.

[B]

No, it was like swimming in the street.

[A]

Swimming canoes.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah, no, forgot. I saw some Argentinians,

[A]

They got canoes. If they ain't playing soccer, they canoe in some way.

[B]

Forget about it.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

What would you do if you saw those like the Vikings on the other. On the train doing the. They were pretending like they were rowing a boat. Imagine if you were on that train.

[A]

What Vikings?

[C]

The soccer fans.

[B]

Yeah, but the white people. That's the energy.

[C]

I thought that's what you were talking about. What are you talking about?

[B]

In a nice way, guys, Just.

[C]

What?

[A]

Talking about people from South America.

[C]

Oh.

[A]

Or whatever the they're from. If they don't play soccer, they got a canoe.

[B]

Yeah, exactly.

[A]

That's what I. What are you talking about? You had a fun filled weekend in Texas.

[C]

I had a great week in Texas by storm. And I took Tuesday to Sunday. I was thinking about, because you used to do Those length of weeks, dude. Especially two shows Friday. Two. And did you. I had the craziest late shows I've ever had. I took two shots of tequila on stage six and all. And thank you to everyone who came out. Like the Friday and Saturday shows were pretty busy. The late show Friday was like 20 people. Six out of 20 got permanently banned from the club because they were so fucked up. It was. I felt like I got beat up on stage, like, because it wasn't like they. They didn't. They were having a great time, but like I didn't get to do material. Like they were just asking questions. One, one. One woman got really mad cuz her fiance did too much coke and his dick didn't work. And I didn't ask any of these things. Like it was just stuff.

[A]

I just blew it up.

[B]

That means she tried to make it work.

[A]

Right there. It's a suburb. Room. Correct.

[C]

Kind of known. Right in the middle of Fort Worth.

[A]

Really.

[C]

Right in. Right in downtown Fort Worth. It was great. That was a lot of fun. I did Waco and that was a lot of fun.

[A]

Smell like gunpowder still. There's nothing in Waco in Dallas. Just smell like gunpowder in Dallas. Go to the grave or anything.

[C]

The grave?

[A]

Yeah, Waco.

[C]

Oh the. Oh the. The cult thing.

[A]

Yeah. No, you didn't go over to put a flower on the grave?

[C]

No, you. You know, I went to Bucky's and I left. That was. That was all I did.

[A]

I saw that. You love Bucky's.

[C]

Oh, I didn't. I can imagine they had the guy in the costume, but no, it was just. I haven't had a week. That's like the most headlining I've ever done in a week.

[A]

We've been together for 15 years, right? And I told you one of the craziest late night stories. When I got up there for the second show and the show was light. So the guy goes, anybody from the first show that wants to stay, it's for free. I get in there. There's 16 people on that line. And I get on the stage and this chick is all fucked up. And she'd give me the evil eye. And out of nowhere she just gets up and says, I sucked his dick. And the guy's like, what are you talking about? I'm like, what are you talking about? I kept doing jokes, but I could hear her. I sucked his dick and all this.

[C]

Isn't that the one that you like?

[A]

You know, the late shows on the road, they're not controlled.

[C]

No, that's the.

[A]

Listen when people tell you to go on the road, it's not to do shows because you can do shows anywhere. You can pull up at Sears and do a fucking show. What they tell you is to experience. You just said it. I didn't do a minute of material. I just stood up there and got beat up. Welcome to the road. Yeah, if it's not an improv or like a civilized club, you're on your own. It's hand to hand combat. Look, I remember all those clubs, some of them you leave there. And you know, like some of the shows, people pay attention.

[B]

Right.

[A]

First, early, the early shows were great.

[C]

The early shows were like special tables. It was one of the best shows I've ever had. And then it was, it was so bad that Friday night that the manager took me out the back because like they said people were just outside. Listen, I was wearing a cowgirl hat.

[A]

Did they take you out of the back of a different club a couple weeks ago too?

[C]

Maybe. Yeah, not that I can remember that one.

[A]

They don't like Jews in a lot of these places. Oh, I mean, I mean, I don't. They're never around Jews. All they watch is TV about how bad Jews are. Missiles and kids with their arms blown off. They don't know the real dude.

[C]

When it's people who know the podcast, I do, I say what you told me that they're gonna ask me to. Can I touch you? Like it's the first Joe I've ever seen. Can I, can I touch you? And it's. Dude, it was Waco.

[B]

They gotta do a sign of the cross before they touch you.

[A]

Oh my God.

[C]

I, I, yeah, I would just, I would just say I, I made jokes about Israel, which I've never done, but it was the my favorite. And like I had a great time in Austin and Fort Worth. But Waco, like, dude, it was a Thursday night in like a weird ballroom of a hotel. It was a great show, but there were 150 people. Like the middle of nowhere towns where they just come out because there something to do. Oh, it was so much fun. And then, and then there's no pressure to sell tickets. It's just, it's just you're doing it because they would be there either though.

[A]

You could light your on fire. Yeah, they don't care. And then they'll come up to you the following week, go, do you know Tommy Lee? And you're like, who's Tommy? He did the accordion. Well, I don't hang out with those type of dudes. He had an accordion with an American flag. He was so. And you're like, come on, lady. Yeah, give me a fucking break. They put zombo in front of them and they clap, you know, Zombo with a harmonica. They go nuts. But that. It's an education right there. You just learn something. Be like, wow. Population is 700 and 300 of them on my show.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, when I was in Open, Michel, Pedro, there was a guy, Bauer. Great guy, bro. I even looked him up and thanked him. Paid my rent for like a year. But he would get rooms in Wyoming in a fucking barn. You went to the hotel, there was like a chicken in the lobby. And then you get to this place and it was a barn that was redone up on side.

[C]

Yeah, those are nice.

[A]

I've done those shows with, well, 400 people. You got like two years in as a comic and you hear about all these things. Oh, wait till you do this, wait till you do that. You go every time you're there. You just missed it, man. Last week we were turning people away. They started telling excuses why the weekend ain't working.

[C]

It's a football game tonight. But yeah, yeah, it's homecoming.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

Those are all my shows, dude. I did a show in Cape May and they were very nice people, but they, they. When I got there, like, we've never had this much interest because they only sold tickets at the door. They had like 11. I had to bark people in oh, shit. To get to have something. It's. And I can't imagine in Wyoming at least like, Wyoming, like the middle.

[A]

He had another place too, above Colorado. He had a couple rooms he had where the Broncos practice. And what they do there is kill cows. So as soon as you drive in, you just smell cow shit. When you're on stage, you smell cow shit. But I cut my teeth in that room was the number one room in the longest lasting one nighter in the country for a while. They even had a write up about it on Yahoo.

[C]

Same guy ran it the whole time.

[A]

The same. He passed it down, but he ran it for like three years before I started, till 95 when I left. And then he owned like a motorcycle shop, this dude. He was a fan of comedy. He didn't want to travel, but he just wanted MC in front of an audience. So he put his own shows together.

[C]

That's crazy.

[A]

Awesome. Bill Bauer.

[B]

Bill Bauer.

[A]

There's two of them. Not Wild Bill Bauer, just Bill Bauer from.

[C]

Are they related?

[A]

No, no, no, no, no, no. But Greeley, Colorado, that's the second gig I did, August. I don't even know that.

[C]

The one that disqualified you from the competition.

[A]

That was the room I did. It was his room. And he gave me five bucks for gas. And they said I was a pro because I took the five bucks. Give me a break, guy. So enough with this, Pedro. Tell me something, cocksucker.

[B]

I don't know, man.

[A]

First off, congratulations on your wedding.

[B]

Oh, thank you so much. Thank you. Appreciate that.

[A]

Thank you. It's great.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

You're a good man, you know, and you're a good comic. You're getting to that point now where you got to spread your wings, right? And you're having a good time, but you're also an excellent gamer. How did you come about this shit? Smoking dope and gaming go hand in.

[B]

Since I was like six years old, dude.

[A]

Oh, you've been gaming that long?

[B]

I was a little kid, brother. I was always. I'm. I'm 35.

[C]

What was your first system?

[B]

My first system was a Nintendo 64. Yeah, so I didn't have no system. Right. When I was growing up, the girl upstairs that lived upstairs for me had a system. I saw it one day and she introduced me to it. Bro, forget it. I didn't even care about. I was focused on Mario. I was like, yo, all right, thank you. And then I just did it. She let me borrow it one day, and I begged my parents. And then one day, out of nowhere, surprised dude from there. Never gave up college.

[A]

College, bro, you brought it with you to the dorm?

[B]

To the baseball house? Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. It's a dumb question.

[B]

Oh, dude, even when I got. When I got in a little trouble, I had to stay home, bro. I. I drilled a hole in the ceiling, put that. That wire for the Internet, Xbox, 360, Halo. Freaking. Every night, I freaking drink.

[A]

Four locals.

[B]

You ever heard of this? It's like a. It's like an alcoholic drink. I drink like three of those and just play Halo all night drunk and talk to people.

[C]

Oh, you'd play. You'd play online and, like, talk to you? Yeah, way before streaming, you were just talking.

[B]

Yeah, before. No cameras, just by myself, having a good time.

[A]

I don't think, guys, and I gotta admit it here at this age, I don't think I never saw you do it either. Growing up, we played games.

[C]

Well, there weren't games for you to play.

[A]

Pinball. Yeah. Yeah, you did pinball. And My thing is, Ms. Pac man, when you go do laundry, there's always.

[C]

You can get that at your house.

[A]

Now, yeah, that's what I want in my living room. Those fucking noises.

[C]

Put it in the garage when you're smoking bong heads.

[A]

I don't. There's certain things, Lee, that are left like that for that. What if I buy it? I go crazy on it for a month. Now it's just in my garage and people hanging jackets on top. Do you understand? I haven't, you know, picking up a hobby, like going to a laundromat. If you go every day and you wake up in the morning, you bang your wife and you go right to the Laundromat, you play. If you do it for like two or three years now, we have a problem. We might as well buy one, okay? And bring it to the house. But you know, I only do it when I wash. You know, that little hour and a half you got? I dropped 30 bucks, the whole fucking deal. That's what I love. But I wouldn't want to do it. And there's some things you leave out and there's some things you bring home

[C]

but you never did really any video games other than that. Did they have arcades when you were growing up? Probably for pinball.

[A]

That's where you went to buy drugs? Yeah, there was one in North Bergen, right next to Hashaways, where we grew up. That deli in the corner, it was at Wizards. It was called Wizards. And I didn't even know it was there. And I would go, how many times? I go to Hudson county park as a kid. But I also wasn't getting high. But I still remember them going, if you want to buy acid tonight, meet us at Wizards. And some creepy guy in the back with glasses. Right on. Kennedy Boulevard with Sellers all. No, I never was a big mouth guy, because there was those guys on that side, But I was always. No, no, no. Kennedy Boulevard, that rap. But my other buddy's house, it was right on. But that was. There was a liquor store there. There was a fucking thousand things there. So, no, I just settled on that. But that was it. Lee and I never knew people played video games and people paid to watch them. That was when I heard that my mind almost fucking blew up. It wasn't until we were all sitting at a table one night in Austin talking shit. And I don't know where Fuck Goes started talking about it. Red man, and he goes, you should play that. I go, bread, man. I never played that shit before. What would I play it now? About a week later, I go to the bedroom to do whatever. As I'm walking down the stairs Terry Mercy's there with earphones and shit. She had a. She's still good friends with. The girl's name is, like, Emil something, like from Egypt. I don't know where she's from. Nice girl. She comes over every once in a while. Mercy was shooting something, and I actually tapped her on the shoulder. She took the earphones off. I go, what are you doing? Trying to do shooting Emile's father. And she fucking. She fucking lost it. And I go, let me see you do it. And I just sat there and I'm like, this is pretty cool. And again, you have to fit that

[C]

mode well, I think, because, like, I don't know, like, you were playing online. I didn't play online, but when I was growing up, I didn't have a system either. But I. So I'd go to my friend's house and, like, you know, you all take turns so you end up watching people play a lot.

[B]

Right?

[C]

So that was fun. And then I don't know how old Twitch is, but it makes sense. Like, we all got used to watching each other play and, like, having fun if they're. If they're doing good and right. You know, people are so entertaining on there. It's like that guy. What was that guy who did Fortnite for a while with the hair ninja.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Making millions of dollars in, like, all day, like, 12 hours a day.

[B]

I mean, it helps, like, a lot of people. Like, sometimes you don't even have to be good at the video game. People just like you because of your personality and how you react to things like like that. That's a lot. But sometimes you get people that are freaking absolutely beast at games and that, and people watch it for that. But overall, man, people get entertained because that's like. It's. It's like they're playing the game without playing. You know what I mean? They're watching you. That's why Twitch is so popular. It's very intimate and stuff like that. But. But video games have been a part of my life forever, bro. It's like. It's the coolest thing, dude. I used to do, try to do good at sports to get a video game. Like, my dad would be like, hey, listen, if you get three tackles today, you're getting Grand Theft Auto 3. And I'll be like, I'm getting Grand Theft Auto 3. There's nothing, nothing else motivated me for video games. That's how crazy I was about it.

[C]

Did they take it away if you got in trouble?

[B]

Oh, yeah. Oh, no, not really. I just Got my ass beaten. Oh, no, I'd rather get my ass beat Keep me, I'll go right back to the system.

[A]

I would love to see now how they make the games, but just the insides. And you know, like, something is. Like. I said, listen, I had a guitar. I tried, like, eight things. Eight things since I've moved here, you know, I thought I would love the guitar. You know, you gotta tuck your thumb and do this. Give me a break. You know, I watch Jimmy Page. You don't hide his thumb and all that. It just. It was too much for me. I've tried a couple fucking things, you know, I tried going out and drinking. That didn't work out for me. You know, I did it, like, twice, and I'm like, that one. This sucks. You get water. I'm sitting at your bar drinking water with lemon. Make them believe I'm watching a hockey game. Yeah. I'm like, what am I doing with my life? And then they suggested this video you were telling me you played. And I kept saying to you, bring it up to the dojo so I could watch it. Yeah, I just wanted to watch, man. But then I just. Mercy told me she got me the game for Christmas and took me, like, three months to set up. I'm like, I'm going to do this shit. I don't know nothing about this stuff. I could see if, like, I had, like, a brother who was really into it live next door and. Because I'd be over that eight in the morning, right? Yeah, yeah, I'd be over there early, Lee. But that's my problem, that I know I'm a. I have an addictive personality. First time I played that shit with you guys, I went upstairs and I summed it up. This is going to be fun. I kind of like what I'm doing. Yeah. I can't drive. I'm horrible at this. But like anything else, just get on it a couple times and you'll get better on it and you'll understand more of the game. Yeah. And I said, let me give it a fucking shot. But, dog, I could see myself, like, ordering Chinese food delivered because I'm so into this game. And I can't imagine having, like, six or seven of you that play this shit. And we all get high and set up, like, a central nervous system with one camera on everybody. We go the extra hundred bucks. And, dog, I could see you doing this three hours a day. But after three hours.

[C]

Three hours, that's. That's just the appetizer.

[A]

I gotta go.

[C]

People are already Taking the day off when the next Grand Theft Auto comes out. Yeah, they're already requesting that for when the next Grand Theft Auto comes.

[A]

I believe in that's. We're gonna be on that same fucking day.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

On that same bat channel.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

That same bat time. When does it come? November.

[B]

November 17th.

[C]

I don't know.

[B]

November 17th, I think the day before

[A]

my anniversary, arresting for kidnapping. Bella, I always have something to motivate me, you know what I'm saying?

[C]

Sometimes they have it in prison. Like, what if you were in prison, could you see yourself doing this all day?

[A]

No.

[C]

No.

[A]

I would get. First of all, I'm lying to you guys. I would get up, at least try to do something. Maybe go to a gym, ride a bike, go outside and get some sunlight. You know? It's like anything else. It's like anything fucking else. I love smoking cigarettes, okay? I go out with you guys one night, I'll just go to a guy who's smoking Marlboro Lights. Let me bump a cigarette, you guys will look at me, I'll smoke one, and that's it. I enjoy smoking them. But you know what? I really like smoking a cigarette after my coffee bright and early in the morning. That maybe a ball lick. Yeah, I was gonna say fucking sticking a fucking cucumber up my. I don't know. What I'm trying to say to you is I fucking love getting a coffee. Taking a couple hits off the coffee, smoking a cigarette and then hitting a real fucking joint and then coming back with a fresh cup of coffee and another cigarette. That's. That's my. That would be the breakfast of champions for Pop.

[C]

And what happens when you do that? Like, what do you feel like you'll die? You'll die.

[A]

You'll die. Except for George, you know what I'm saying? Like George, except for George. He ain't gonna die. He's been doing this all his life. He'll smoke a cigarette without even getting out of bed, okay? He'll just take a. And he'll just sit there and think about what happened the night before. But he'll do like three of them acapella laying on his back. I have a hard time breathing on my back, you know what I'm saying? I gotta put a sleep apnea machine to fucking breathe. Meanwhile, he's smoking Marlboro fucking Reds. It's. It's amazing. I just. I don't know what my point was.

[C]

Now I'm asking how you feel, because you. You have that whole system.

[A]

I'm Saying that. I'll tell you what, I stopped smoking for years. And maybe when I first moved to North Hollywood one morning I got carried away with the reefer and I don't know whose cigarette it was. I just picked it up like 8:30 in the morning. And that was when I realized I'll never smoke in the morning again. Because once you haven't done it for a couple years, then you do it. You're like, oh my goodness, shit.

[C]

I've never seen anyone smoke cigarettes.

[A]

I've seen this to your body in the morning. You ruin your day. I love doing cocaine. But I knew one thing. I could not do cocaine in the daytime unless my day was ruined. Like I got nowhere to go and nobody to do it with. Fuck it, I'll snort Coke at 2 in the afternoon. But not really. It wasn't my favorite thing. 11:00 clock at night, all bets are off. Where are you going? You either go into bed or you're snorting coke. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

Looking through the window.

[C]

When we, when we met, you were smoking.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And you would smoke like half of a cigarette and two puffs and throw it away.

[A]

Throw it away.

[C]

Mike and I and then just do another cigarette. And then right before the CSO special, you picked up smoking for like three weeks. It was very.

[B]

I.

[C]

You had, you had in your head. That was like, pump you up or something.

[A]

There is nothing I love more than doing the same ritual before you spot. At this time, I wasn't back at the store yet. When I got hooked up with Lee, I wasn't back at the Comedy Store. I was just doing gigs with Rogan. People would hire me to do these rooms for 200 bucks. But I'm like, I gotta work on my act. So I would go to the haha Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays and I would tell people, just meet me there because I would park my car and go right to the candy store. There was a candy store that stayed open till midnight and they had everything, every size fucking lighter. I think they had bungs in there too.

[C]

Oh yeah. But all you ever got was Mike and Ikes, huh? All you ever got was Mike and

[A]

I can Ikes and cigarettes.

[B]

Yeah, why not?

[A]

That's all I got.

[B]

It was delicious.

[A]

It was late, it was 10 o' clock at 9:30. I was always the last act and I would go down it. But you mentioned that. And I got like warmth. It became something like I knew on Thursdays and Fridays and Saturdays if I was home, I went to the aisle and Closed out the show. But I'd always dip into that candy store and get my Mike. When I brought one in there a couple times they ran out. I would get insulted. Yo, what the fuck?

[C]

Well, no one else in the whole world bought Mike and Ikes. I've never seen anybody eat Mike and Ikes.

[A]

Me neither. Have you ever seen me eat a mike and eggs since then?

[C]

You actually brought. No. What happened?

[A]

Just the way life is. It fit that part of my life. It fit me getting to them. Before I went in, finagled with the comedians and the comedy. I had a little mic a night to take me back to my youth. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

That's what I miss. I miss having a place to go back to. Remind me, like, 76th street, that Exxon, that's my place. At the end of every night, four in the morning, five in the morning, two in the morning. That was. That was my last stop before I head home.

[A]

So that's the one across from high school? Yes, sir.

[B]

Around.

[A]

It's not right across. It's this way.

[B]

Right, right, right. It's like one block, like one little block over. And then right across the street right there. 76 street.

[C]

Matt.

[B]

Brother. Every. Every night, four in the morning when candy. Freaking Arizonas. If I need to stay up more, I'll buy a jolt or some freaking caffeine. Red Bull. Some.

[A]

I never robbed that gas station. It was there when I was growing up, I used to rob the one across from the high school. Yeah, that was Georgie Amato's joint. Yeah.

[B]

It used to be a very. With people. People used to rob that. People used to rob that one, too.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Nobody with the Exxon because the guys were cool. The Valero, the guy was a dick. Him, when he. When he pull out that water cash.

[A]

Oh, my God. That was an Amico. When we were growing up, it was an Amaco because that was the Cuban guy's name. It was Bob Amico. When you were. And that place was a haven fun. But yeah, we went to shop. I went to shoplift the gun and got caught shoplifting the gun. And then the lady goes, just take it. I thought it was from my dead brother. Yeah. You know, this is what he wanted in the grave with him. Started crying.

[C]

This you shop after the gun, huh? What do you mean?

[A]

Bathmark was untunley then.

[C]

And they had guns?

[A]

No, they had water pistols. Oh. So I went to try to rob a water pistol, but I got arrested shoplifting the water pistol. That's just to let you know, the early retardations of Joey Diaz. And then I fucking. She gave it to us. I went home. I put black tape around it to make it look shiny. I busted that red thing from the inside. And me and my buddy got. Rest his soul, went in there ready to shoot a brother. And the guy looked at us, and he was washing his hands, and he left his money on top of the counter. I didn't know whether to even take the gun out at that point. We just grabbed that motherfucker. And we didn't go on Kennedy Boulevard. We ran down and that way on those avenues.

[B]

To the avenues.

[A]

Yeah, Towards Bergen Line. But we never really got there. It was like 200 bucks talk. We thought we were fucking gangsters. Yeah. No, we must have been 16. Yeah, 16. That was not. But that's not even a real one. A real one is me going in there smacking the guy. Give me everything. Yeah. Freeze. I'd have the balls to do that. Yet. You know, honestly, at that time, the guy I went with was an animal. So he would call me a pussy and rob the guy himself and then not give me a dime. So I was like, I gotta do something. But when we pulled up, the fucking guy had the money on. We walked up to him. Yeah. We didn't have cars. We walked up there.

[C]

You walked to a robbery?

[A]

Well, unless I had a roller skate or a fucking one of those E bikes, you know? Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

How did you get away?

[C]

He didn't just change.

[B]

We walked away.

[A]

Now you know why my knees are up. Okay. Running on concrete. Yeah. Scaling a wall when you can't scale. No cameras, you know?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's funny how many of those. The first place ever was that if Pedro was never there when you were a kid. The Wing Fun Chinese Restaurant. That was right before Chicken Delight, right on that block. You don't remember 80 Kennedy. I'm gonna tell you something else. It was when we were growing up, on the way back from Varsity Games. If you walk down Bergen Line by the chicken, Chicken Delight and all that, there was a record store. We were kids. Because I bought Sabotage there. I remember I saw it in the window, and I'm like, hey, dog, is that the last one? He goes, yeah, we'll give it to you. He goes, if it's warped from the sun, bring it back. I'm like, nah, fuck it. I'll never forget that. I walked home with that house. All those corners were hot. We were growing up that. But that Wing Farm was where you went in and dine and Dash. That's where you worked your fucking. If you were good, you fucked at the Wing Farm. Cause they had been. Everybody dying in Dash. The Robert Fulton kids had been fucking killing them for years. Yeah, that's how you heard. You couldn't wait to get to high school to rob the Wing Funk, to go in there, eat and dine and dash. That's when you got respect in North Bergen. You dine and dash the Wing Fong. Come on, man. You know they go crazy, so. But I remember going in there and dining and dashing, scary as fuck. And then fucking your uncle. He went to dine and dash from Willie Hughes Shanghai palace. And the dude chased him from Willie Yu's Shanghai palace to the Fairview border by White Castle.

[B]

Oh, shit.

[A]

Guy would have caught him if it wasn't for Hudson County Park. There was like three of them. That dude was on him. Him and two other Chinamen. They were on him, Jack, with the knives and everything.

[B]

One of them had one of those rickshaws.

[A]

No, they didn't even have a rickshaw. They were serious. And I remember Mike. I didn't see him for a week. He got food poisoning from that whole run. Bro, you can't eat and run a mile and a half with your heart beating at the size of a drum because there's fear involved. This Chinese dude's got a fucking knife in his hand.

[B]

Holy shit. Nah. All right.

[A]

And, bro, he got sick. He lost like £18 over the weekend. And I'll never forget that. That was popular at that age. People always trying to. But the Wing Fong was where you developed. Me, I didn't take my skills through Wing Fung. I took my. Sort of my guy. Okay, the my guy was where professionals dine and dash on Kennedy Boulevard in front of the cemetery.

[C]

What about Chinese restaurants? What is it? Why is it all Chinese places?

[A]

Because, I don't know.

[C]

It's just.

[A]

It's not that I'm a racist robber.

[C]

No, I don't think you're against the Chinese robbery. No, you double up Chinese food, I'll

[A]

rob an Arabian place. If you let me. You know what I'm saying? Like, whatever.

[C]

If you let me.

[A]

When you're hungry, you don't give a what you're gonna rob. It's their problem. Yeah, you sell falafels, I'm in if a dollar people walking in and out

[B]

of this Lens Garden on 70th. Freshman year, we all went in there. There was kids throwing chicken wings in their baseball bags and running out. Yeah, 70th and Kennedy. It is called Lynn's Garden.

[A]

When I was a kid, a Chinese place.

[B]

Chinese place.

[A]

I remember. Yeah.

[C]

None of them survived.

[B]

You guys kept robbing them North American kids, man.

[A]

And there was one on the corner, the same side as Veri. Yeah, right by the projects. In the mouth of the project still there. You drive by and the windows were fogged up.

[B]

Yeah, man, there's still dirty.

[A]

See a there. George and I got food from there one night. Crazy, man.

[B]

Yeah, man. North Bergen is a trip, man. I miss. I miss hanging out. Like driving. Driving up here. It was nice to drive around a little bit. I got around traffic, so I hit like some of the. Like. Yeah. Oh, it's dead.

[A]

Every once in a while you see a person on the corner across the street. Yeah, that's it.

[B]

It's dead.

[A]

I sit there some nights at that light, you know, by the ashways. I'm gonna hit that street to get me to the park. Yeah, to get here. And I sit there in awe, guys. I sit there just like. Because you hear about things changing, but when you see them change in front of your eyes, it's two different things. It breaks my heart that that's Kennedy boulevard at what, 5 o'? Clock? That's what you're trying to tell me? That's Kennedy Boulevard. Five o'. Clock. Everybody was coming home from practice. Yep. So there was 20 fucking kids. Remember you practiced at Horace Mann? You practiced at Lincoln, where, you know, we were running out of room for all these fucking teams they had and all this shit.

[B]

People used to get hit in the street a lot. So many people were in Alberta, all around.

[A]

I'm not going to lie to you. Say I saw it. But I was at Hashways at night when they came in and said the street is closed. Some guy got off the bus and he got hit on Kenny boy and they dragged him to the. To the. To the seventies. And there was blood in the gut. Like, you know, on the street. Like you could see the red going down the side of the fucking street there. That area. Just think of fucking where Nick's is. Pizza. That was. That was a hang any night. There was 40 and at midnight there was 140 people out there in a circle in front of Corky's Knicks. That was the hotspot. And you drive by. I leave here sometimes when I hit Kenny Boulevard and I'm like, what the happened?

[C]

Well, like you didn't have TV and video games and I. The. I think that's why people are home. Like. Like, I don't know. I wasn't alive.

[A]

And also has a curfew right at 10 o'. Clock.

[C]

What?

[A]

And they got cameras on every.

[B]

Oh, no.

[C]

Yeah, for like, you're on the corner

[A]

for three minutes if I'm just talking. Talking to you about a book. A cop will pull up after 10 minutes and go, what are you guys doing? Break it up here. They got cameras in that town. They watch it.

[B]

Oh, yeah, we did. Yeah, underage. Yeah, I remember.

[A]

That's what they tell you for the safety of the kids. But ain't for that. If somebody steals, they want in. You know what I'm saying? Listen, I saw you stole a box from behind the factory. I don't know what was in it. Yeah, we don't care. We just want a little face with ties.

[B]

There used to be a guy that wasn't even a cop. They used to drive around on curvy time. My boys are chilling on the bench. We're like 15. He goes, hey, you, get out of here. We said you. We threw snowballs at him. Shut the up. He drove away.

[A]

I'm gonna get the plane. I got him. I went home after.

[B]

He wasn't even cop. Just driving around looking for kids to bother. Like, what the is wrong with this guy? Leave us alone, you creep. He was a baseball coach too.

[C]

I remember.

[B]

I got. I ended up on a team with him. And I had my hat backwards. He.

[A]

You put your hat forward.

[B]

It's like a ball place. Oh, my God. I. I miss it, man. Cuz, he's like. Like, I like hanging out with the rocks of 64th Street. That was my. That was my spot, bro. It's not freaking roll. I learned how to roll a blunt there, like 4:15.

[A]

Funny. Like when you first go to North Bergen with your wife, she was your girlfriend. You're like, that's where I learned to roll a blunt. Oh, you see right there, my friend, the chick in the ass right in that alleyway during business out. And people like, what are you talking about? Like, every time I drive up here, I just look at corners. I'm like, what the did we do on that corner one night? Holy, bro.

[B]

Yeah, there's plenty of streets I can look at and be like, ah, yeah, that was good time there. Because all we did was walk. Nobody had a car when we were kids in North Bergen.

[A]

You walk?

[B]

Yeah, Walk the hills. Everybody had good calves.

[A]

I believe that my heart's still alive because of the hills. Word. I believe that.

[B]

Oh, my goodness.

[A]

Telling you that right now. I believe that those basic years going up, that Hill. For as I look at it now, when I looked at it then, I was like, this sucks. And my mom didn't drive. She just refused to drive. So I hooked that fucking hill. And I came from McKinley. So you got to hook the cemetery hill, and then you got to hoof the Project hill. And in the summer, you want a cheeky, you got to walk. You want to go. Oh, you want to go to Carville? You got to walk up there. So we would walk that hill, you know? Now I look at that hill and I'm like, that's two days.

[B]

Never.

[A]

It would take me two days to walk that hill. Today I would have to pitch a tent on the top where they burnt down. Right on the territory there. I would have to pitch a tent there. Somebody would have to bring me breakfast, and I'd do the project there. And I can't guarantee you I'd make it up to Project Hill. There's no fucking way. I see those hills now. That 46th street hill, Carlos Quintero's corner there. When you shut up that hill. Go down there. Now pull over and just look at the fucking hill. Go like this. And you go, holy shit. You really want to talk about hills? How about the motherfucker that would walk down the tunnel, liquors, and walk back up behind the high school with a 12 pack, with a six pack of fucking Nips, those fucking cases like this. I look at that every fucking Monday and I go, wow. Because that hill is a hill. Then it like gives you a little like 10ft, and then it really takes you to the top. And now you gotta pass that old school bodega. And now you're all the way to Kenny Boulevard. And it's still like. You think you're on Indiana Jones. I know it. Cause I see people walking it and I'm like, dog, beep, beep. Bad motherfucker, you. If you want to abandon ship and leave those kids, get in the car. I'll give you a so long hill, dude. And all those kids I grew up with would walk down there. I don't drink. Yeah, I would see those motherfuckers walking down Tunley Avenue and then walking up that hill with a case of Nips. Not a case of beer, a case of Nips with a bottle on top of it. And I would go, wow, the dedication

[B]

it takes for that.

[C]

Why not just stop at the bodega? You have to go to the liquor store.

[B]

I remember in the summertime we take stops walking those hills. If we had to carry those boxes like Boxes of beers up. Take a break. Or a bodega. Two, like five of us. Everybody had a box.

[A]

But even the Lee. When I lived on giving out terrace, the bodega, it was a killer. It was a Chinese bodega dragging groceries. Somebody just wrote a big fucking thing about it. Cuban, Chinese. The daughter was smoking. The father was strict. But on Sundays he made Chinese food. Fried rice, carne asada, carne umala. It's the pork that's red on the corners. Sliced clean, bro. The meat clean. Bobby. My mother would send me up there, get two containers of the pork and get a container of pork fried rice. Dog. I remember one night at a Quaalute fucking January of 1980. That's when North Bergen used to celebrate the party on the island. The island of insanity party. It was always the first three weeks of January. They would pick the coldest Friday night and they would roll a keg in the middle of Hudson County Park. The island in the middle.

[B]

In the. In the lake.

[A]

In the lake.

[B]

Get the fuck out of here.

[A]

Those class of 78, those kids were fucking nuts. The high school 78 all the way to like 81. Those kids were out of it. But especially that little group there, the ones that won the state with your grandfather. They did not. They invited me to the party one time. That's when they were drinking a punch. And I'm like, why is there bees in there? They would put dead bees and bees that were alive. This is a different crew of guys. And you go to these parties and go, what the fuck are these guys doing? But that was the coldest point. And that's one of the nights that I didn't run out of the wing fung because we started over there. Talking was brutal. And I would drink the fucking, you know, water. And I would drink anything not to freeze on the island. You last on the island for an hour, your ears were like fucking potato chips. Yeah. Now you got to walk across the ice on a quaalude. When that quaalude started hit me. It was me, Joe Folk and lubes. And we fucking walked across and it was so cold, we go, let's just go to the wing funk. And they were talking about dining and dashing. I'm like, I'm not dying. Dashing in that. And fucking folk fell asleep in the pork fried rice. And he had a big nose, so the rice was going in his nose. And I blacked out after that. And all I remember is waking up, like twisted. And all I had was a T shirt underneath And a blue hooded sweatshirt. You know, in the 80s, they weren't like comfort and copper. So you resist? No, it was just a sweatshirt. I broke up. All fucking tangled up. And the Dragon grocery had an apartment building next to it. You know, like it was just a bodega. And it was a three story. Jill Gillib Knipkinop lived upstairs. She was a Jewish girl. It was hot. I knew a couple of people we went to Joe Gutman, another girl that I still remember lived in that building. So they got interesting stories about that Chinese restaurant. It was a bodega, but on the weekends he cooked all that to get to the point.

[B]

Damn. But I. That's another thing I miss, bro. It's like good Chinese food, like good Spanish food like that. I can't like it does. It doesn't like compared to my mom's cooking. And I'm like eating out where we're from, like especially West New York and places like that. Union City, Cuban food, bro. I miss that, bro. I was like, just everything, just everything about it, bro.

[A]

I'm not to get you off food. No how I deal. Like when I was a young comic, well, I was already 30. But you one point of comedian, you realize, listen, life's not going to work for me anymore. You know what was regular life? The day job. That's a good thought. And you hold on to it close to your heart. But if you're really going out to do comedy and learn, it's not that show, it's the fucking hang. Because you just want to pick up little tidbits of guys that have been doing it longer than you. Maybe afterward they go to Taco Bell, who the fuck knows? They stand on the corner. And then I would go home and do coke. Well, the nights I did comedy, I wasn't really focused on cocaine. But I would get back to my apartment in Boulder and I would write jokes late night, push it 20 years ahead. So now I could get home, eat a snack, drink a Red Bull and play video games and make money with a bunch of other schmucks. Not much, but get better at it till six. That's what Rogan used to do. He would play that game till 6 or 7 in the morning and sleep all day. It was fucking insane. When I first met him, I didn't know what he was talking about. He would say, I go home and play or something. I mean, you know, like when you don't know what somebody's saying, you go, yeah, okay, yeah. And then somebody told me that no and Then one day he gave me the computer and it was a fucking car engine. It was a fucking battery. You remember that one used to get hotly.

[C]

No, I don't. I don't think I was there for that. I came in and you had the laptop. But I remember Rogan would he. At least on the podcast he talked about playing Doom on the PC.

[B]

Oh, okay. All right.

[A]

And those guys used to play. And again, I would sit there going, I'm trying to figure out how many breakfast. These guys are going home to play fucking video games. But now, looking at a different perspective. I'm sorry, Lee. It's. You go home at night and fucking. You could do that?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[A]

Write jokes at the same fucking time because there must be some creepy people up at night.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, I'm playing online is. I'm sure you can have tons of material.

[B]

No, it's. It's so much fun. The guys that are in my chair, fucking animals. So they say the most craziest in there. So it's like, it's fun. I get to talk about it with them.

[C]

Do you have a group that you've been doing it with forever?

[B]

No, I have. I have a couple guys that have been watching my stream from the get and like now they could pop in once in a while and stuff like that.

[C]

I meant, like, do you play with like, high school guys or like.

[B]

Oh, no, I only play with comedians. Like my buddies. Like, like, Like a whole bunch of dudes. I play like this game I want to introduce you to. It's called Arc Raiders. So it's basically. It's like post apocalyptic, the world's ended, but you're going up. Up to collect supplies to keep living. But other dudes can kill you. But this is the fun part. You could. You could toggle a thing to put the mic so everybody could hear you. So why. Why? You're about to kill somebody. You could talk to them or after they kill you or. Or they're dead. They could talk back and forth. I think it'd be a trip. Go crazy. But besides the fact. Yeah, man. No, it's that I. I have a group of friends, like a bunch of comedians I play with. They're cool guys too.

[A]

I enjoy it. Like, I'd like to play it like two to three nights a week, right? Maybe three hours. Maybe two hours in the afternoon. Then we come back when it gets dark. I love all that shit, right. I don't think I could sit there all day. I just can't.

[B]

No.

[A]

My inner self Would fucking kick. Especially at night when you're like, I could be doing comedy. What's that bell comes into your head. That's tough to now it's 7:15, 7:30. You could still make the 9:00 clock spot in the city.

[B]

Nah.

[A]

Yeah, but I'm gonna hit traffic. Then you look at your ways and it's an hour 22 and you're like it.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And that's what I don't like. That's when I would start to trip that.

[B]

That's why I don't go upstairs like for that. If I know I have a gig or something like that and I know I'll. I'll stay home and I'll play video game. I just won't go upstairs.

[A]

I have to once I get back from Austin and all that. We got to turn my office. I'll help you out because I can't keep doing the living room because they hear it upstairs. Yeah. And they hear me saying all that nonsense and they got to come downstairs and say goodnight and I feel like I did something wrong. Like I feel like. Like when they come and hug me, they're like, fucking dad's a loser. No, that type of shit, you know. What's up, beautiful people? Uncle Joey here, listen. Draftkin Casino has changed the game with exclusive flex spins. New casino players play $5. $5 and you're going to get 1000 Flex spins. 1000 Flex spins. Choose how to use your spins across more than 100 different slots. Claim 50 spins a day for 20 days. Play spins on any slot, including the favorites like Huffing More Puffin and Cash Eruption. Download the app now and sign up with code Joey Slots J O E Y S L O T s to claim 100 Flex spins on your choice of slots. What I tell you? The crown is yours. In partnership with DraftKings Casino Gambling Problem.

[B]

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[A]

What's happened? Beautiful people? Uncle Joey here. Bam, bam, bam. That's your bed frame. When you got Blue Chew Gold. Blue Chew Gold is a 4 in 1 tablet with a new formula designed to boost blood flow and arousal. Listen, I popped one of those things about three weeks ago. I was on fucking fire, you know what I'm saying? Heart pumping, fire coming out of my nose. And it stayed up until I finished. Usually it just drops and nobody knows what to do anymore. You know what I'm saying? But listen, it's tremendous. No more waiting for the pill to kick in. No more performance anxiety. Bluechew Gold makes it easy to handle your business. The process is 100% online and very simple. There's a reason why BlueChew is the number one brand for better sex. Experience it yourself at BlueChew.com and go for the gold. Discover your [e-mail] we got a special deal for the church family. You ready? Right now. When you buy two months of BlueChew Gold, you get the third month for free with promo code Joey. J, O, E, Y. Listen, that's a deal and a half. So use promo code Joey. You'll get an extra 10% off plus free overnight shipping on your first order. So do yourself a favor. Why live like a fucking MOOC? Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. And I want to always thank BlueChew for keeping the dick alive in the United States of America and for sponsoring the podcast. And most of you little fucking mooks. Bedroom. I love you. Stay black. My wife's like, I can't believe he's such a loser. But I got tell my wife. What would you rather me doing? Go to the strip club. That's the only place I got to go. I can't sit at a restaurant again at night and get fat drinking the fucking martinis. And I can't. What am I gonna do? Barnes and Noble closes at 7. I saw they had Barnes and Noble, little tables there. They. They took the Starbucks out in Freehold, but they kept the tables there. And now you could sit, get a magazine, look at it.

[B]

That's nice.

[A]

I like that type of shit, you know? Yeah, I'll sit at Manala Pan Diner with a notebook. That's my world at night. Fridays and Saturdays, they're open till 2. After, like 11, 30, 12, you gotta leave because the Banana Crew comes in with alcohol in their system. Yeah, yeah, but I like all that shit. But then again, that has just opened because first of all, after I play those fucking games with these guys. And the crew is Pedro Lee. And Carly Lee's been busy lately, you know, but the crew is Carly, me and you and we're starting to know. Like, that is starting to bust out horns now. And when I heard that. What is that called? Like, she has. She's got every gadget in the world.

[B]

She has a. A voice changer. She caught me off guard.

[A]

We're just playing with chocolate voice.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

She was like, hey, Pedro. Yeah.

[B]

I jumped.

[A]

I was like, who's that? That's what she does with it.

[B]

Hilarious.

[A]

She's got every gadget imaginable.

[B]

Like, I see her stream.

[A]

It's.

[B]

It's.

[A]

She's got like three phones. Yeah. It's got, like, charges everywhere. She switches the phone. Ba, ba. She's tapered with one. I'm like, what the crazy. She's got. She's got a light that you put in the. On the glass at the hotel. And that's professional. Yeah. Like, she's got lights in her house. She's got lights that you put on the fucking. It's amazing how many fucking gadgets. But that's why when you see her in red band, that's it. They're not going to talk to you the rest of the day. When her and red band get together, Ice.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And leaving. Because they talk about gadgets and red bands. Got the dates, the time. Oh, August 8th, whatever. You're like, what the. How does he know all these releases? That's his world. He lives for gadgets. I ain't mad at him. I don't know dick about dick. You know what I'm saying? I know people always send me shit that they want to send me, right? I'm like, what am I gonna do with a razor with eight heads that cleans your fucking. You know. Because all I see is the more shit that's on it, the more possibility of breaking. You follow me? If you keep it simple. We come from the old school. An eight track came with the eight track, the cassette and the album. Everything was beautiful until the cassette deck broke. Now you like a schmuck. You got the eight track and the album, but the cassette deck. And sometimes once the cassette deck broke, the whole system went down. So I could. That's why whenever I bought stereos, I would buy pieces because I didn't want. It was just old shit from the 70s and 80s that we carried around. It's fucking crazy.

[B]

Would you want a soundboard on your.

[C]

On your.

[B]

On your setup dog?

[A]

If you gave me a soundboard, I get you one, it would be, I bet. No, no, no. We'll set it all up and we'll see how everything is. But a Little baby soundboard that I can make little noises and shit. Dog, that's the last thing you want me to have because I hired some Chinese kid I know Becky's got a cousin. That these Chinese people are gonna tap into your dreams. Can you imagine? I tap into Lee's dreams and just hit him with the soundboard all night. I'll live for that. That's my game. I'll put it on Twitch. We'll sneak an FBI camera into Lee's apartment and we'll just watch Lee at night when I start blaring horns.

[C]

And you told me you were going to do that. Like have, like. When you get me a hotel room, you're going to put speakers in my room?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And start fucking with me.

[A]

I'm just.

[B]

I'm just picturing Lee in night vision.

[A]

Oh, my.

[C]

It's too bright in the fucking night vision goggles.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Well, man, I appreciate all the help you give me because of course, man, you schooled me on there. You know, it's difficult for me because I get lost and I just lose interest.

[B]

Well, I'll tell you what, man.

[A]

Scream, blacks out and I start getting pissed the off. But lately I got good patience because I know the flip side is me giggling my ass off. Because there's nothing I love more than running over people on that show. Forget the heist. Forget.

[C]

Do you even do missions or you just run people?

[B]

Oh, we're doing missions now?

[A]

We're doing missions. Oh, yeah.

[B]

Passing them.

[A]

There's times I'm driving, I'll see a guy walking. Ask him. Last night I reversed it, ran over, he missed him.

[B]

And he had a reverse to go get him again in the middle of a highway because he's like, hold on, I gotta get this guy.

[A]

When you kill someone on gta, it's so great. Yeah, Sometimes. But also on the sidewalk when you miss them.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And they yell at you.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

What are you doing, you jerk? And you're like a jerk. I'm gonna back this car up now for sure. You know what I'm saying?

[C]

I feel like you drive in gta. How you wish you could actually drive.

[A]

I don't know if you've been in the car with me, which you have. It's pretty close to it, minus the murder.

[C]

Like you get close to it.

[B]

But I mean, you're driving pretty good now, bro.

[A]

You're killing it. Because that's how I drive in real life, guys. I love all that shit you're going to give me if you're Going to give me a little gap. I'm going to try to get in there with this car. That's why I love the eight cylinder, because that motherfucker cuts me right through like. Like a hot knife on butter. You know what I'm saying? It just slices through the road. But you fucking get out of the way, you motherfucker. I wish I could get. I wish I had great eyes. I try to get, like, an Escalade, the big one, to take over your city one. But I can't see.

[C]

Is that why your car always has bumps? Like your car's in the shop every once you get it back, you have it for like a week. Have you. Have you done the math on how?

[A]

Huh?

[B]

Yeah,

[A]

but again, I didn't crack it. The force of God made the wind. The wind carried a softball and hit my glass. It's a bill from. It's a big bill. That's it. The universe wants their little taste every once in a while. Yeah, their taste was 2,500 for that fucking windshield.

[C]

That's how much the windshield costs, huh? Yeah, that's how much a windshield cost.

[B]

Yep.

[C]

Fuck that.

[A]

I'm waiting to see what insurance gives me.

[C]

And then your insurance will go up.

[A]

And then they'll go up. So it's a lose, lose situation. But that's why you got to play games to make every dollar you can, they leave on the table.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

Because. Jesus Christ. Like we discussed last week, I was thinking about this fucking FIFA fucking bullshit that came to Jersey, bro. They'll never come back here again.

[C]

Please don't think so.

[A]

There was. There was. Listen, it was kind of like a disaster. And it was like these people that came, got treated like shit. Happened to run over the 3. Route 3 like animals and fucking.

[C]

Look how much money it made. Everybody.

[A]

Oh, my God. And they didn't. They got treated. Then you have to go in there and buy a water. I just came from. 10 bucks for a fucking water. You know how many waters you're gonna drink during the game? Hello? Yeah. So, you know, it's like, again, it's like doing something and then feeling bad. When you look at your V. When those people get their bills, they're going to shit their pants. They slept in fucking hotels and Sea Caucus, Howard Johnson's and shit. Yeah, dude, bro, there was bedbugs there 20 years ago. I left them. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

[B]

Oh, my God. Those are $200 rooms. Yeah, 4,000 for that weekend.

[A]

North Bergen, there's people in tents. Oh, because they rented that outside. They don't give a. Those animals in North Berlin. But think about it and knock on your door, they'll give you 25 grand. This more money you've seen since you bought the house. You'll take it, do what you want. You want my wife? She'll stay and cook. Whatever you need.

[B]

Take her, please.

[A]

She's a little big, but everybody's got to work with something, you know what I'm saying? Holy.

[C]

So what about fever?

[A]

Excuse me, you were.

[C]

I'm high. But you were gonna say something about FIFA, weren't you?

[A]

Well, no, no, I'm not mad at FIFA. I don't even know who FIFA is. I'm just saying FIFA because half these people got treated like fucking animals. The train ride was really a hundred dollars.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And guess what? Yeah. And nobody took the train.

[B]

Where's that train leaving for?

[A]

Because then they tried to fucking talk about, oh, you were fucking charging $100 to go to the fucking Middle Land. How much is that ticket usually?

[C]

10 bucks.

[A]

$250? Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry, Doug, you confusing me. Yeah, you know, I mean, it was just again, they make you feel shitty about something good. You tried to show your kids to represent Brazil or whatever. Third in the world nation they're from, you know, a bunch of corn eaters that, you know, corny.

[C]

I think we're the corn eaters.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[C]

Do they grow corn in other places?

[A]

Certain joke here, you know,

[B]

corn eater is good for a lot of things.

[A]

How much fun it would be to be like a seven, eight year comic, you know, like Lee. You can't doubt what discussion we had before about Austin. You saw it. You saw the focus of the comedy down there. You end the night with some tacos. They didn't cost you much. They didn't set you back. You know, I mean, it's a really good comedian lifestyle. You're not gonna try that pizza on six' three. You'll shit blood till you get back to fucking Brooklyn. You're not gonna eat none of that shit. So it's a very. I like that. I like that. You go. Go to the Vulcan and then walk down. I've never been to the Vulcan. It was nice because my loyalty was. Is with that club. So I haven't really creeped. I'd rather stay there where I'm safe. If I talk to somebody, they're a comedian. I don't know these clubs well.

[C]

Yeah, every comic who's on that street would rather be. And I had a great time with the Vulcan. But that's like saying, would you rather be at the Comedy Cellar or at the Grizzly Pair? Like, it's. Yeah, you know, just. It's the top club in the city.

[A]

At home there.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

It kind of reminds me of the Comedy Store. Of course, you know, I could sit in the green room or sit downstairs, talk to the people. I kind of like it, to be honest. And you know me, when I got a cock, I don't want to talk to nobody. I kind of like it because, like I said, after this podcast, what do I do? I talk to you guys for 20 minutes. I get my car and I go right back to Batman that. You know how Batman lives in that seated area with woods and he drives into a cave. I'm very grateful that I have it. But now I'm not going to talk to anybody till tomorrow when I decide what I'm going to do.

[C]

And your thing for everything is ease. Like, because when you said it, I, like, I didn't. I was like, why is he flying there Instead of just driving to the city a couple times. But if you, if you're there within like three blocks and you know, there's no trains, there's no Ubers, there's no nuts, like, it's three blocks of E. You just have to make it through the homeless people because they, they, they. That is worse than New York. But it was, It's. It's too. It's a lot. It said. And I did a. Across the street from the Mothership.

[A]

I did.

[C]

They have a bar called Maggie Maze or something. So I did that.

[A]

Nice guy. And there's one two doors down from the Mothership. That's upstairs.

[B]

Shakespeare's.

[A]

Yep. You know, Pedro, how many spots did you do in seven days?

[B]

Dude, I didn't even count. I know, like about 14.

[A]

And that's what I was saying to you. It's basically a comedy camp.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, and yeah, I can do. Okay, let's talk about numbers here. The confusion I have with stand up comedy is that I know, Lee, how many people you have last night for the late show on Sunday.

[C]

Sunday. And we had like 25.

[A]

Okay. I know that you have to do sets consistently for a while. Okay.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Me doing a set at the RBR Lounge, which I love, and then going to the dojo the next day, that does something. It keeps me active, but it's not going to take me over that hump. I start every fucking other week. And it kind of gets old that now I gotta go up there and Tell you I don't remember my material because now I look at the Notebook and none of those jokes I said at the dojo were even on there. So it's a complete. If I got on stage a couple nights in a row, I build that muscle memory with that, guys, it's a lot easier. I'm talking here from the heart again. If I go to New York, I gotta stop because I'll do it like a white dude. I can't. I don't have the time to drive my car park and walk around. My knee's fucked up. We might get chased, Israel, you know, who knows what's going to happen, right? But in reality, I just take the ferry over. My spots are not going to be late. I don't want to do late spots. I'm too old to be out there late. But I'll start at seven. If I could do three spots and go home. Good. But then again, you just dampened me for three hours on the travel. Right?

[C]

There's always gonna be an excuse not to do it.

[A]

So now I'd rather take a three hour flight down there, do six or seven sets and a three hour flight. Because in my mind, I'm even saving on ass time. Yeah, I'm saving on ass time. So it's kind of like that's what I'm looking at. I'd rather do. Listen, I'm not gonna do the weekends anymore. It's really hard for me to do a Friday and Saturday and justify it, especially in my household. You know, for years I was out on Fridays and Saturdays. They want to see me around. Some nights Terry goes out and I got fucking mercy. But I'll tell you what I could always do Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday with no fucking problems. Those are my nights. But when do I do three nights in a row in front of three quality audiences in New Jersey?

[C]

Have you done three nights in a row since you've been back?

[A]

Two nights.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And then I'll do two shows the next week. Two nights.

[C]

But it's all like, I got like. That's the most headlining I've ever done. The last week, from Wednesday to Sunday, I headlined at least one show. Friday and Saturday, did two. By the end of it, my 40, like, I was doing the same 45, but I probably added like 10 minutes to like, it just, just from doing it over and over again.

[A]

Comedy camp, and it's condensed. And guess what? If you don't drink, you don't really, you know, you go back to your room at 11:30, 12, 1. Keep the pad out. Why go to sleep? Take that notebook out. See if you could joint anything. It's not going to be gold, but maybe you said something at a club, maybe you threw away a lot. Now it becomes comedy camp. You wake up in the morning, you wash your pussy, you go downstairs, you get a coffee, a bayonet, whatever the fuck you want to eat for breakfast. A cup of Greek yogurt, and you grab a notebook, you call your agent, whatever the fuck you got to call that day. Book a podcast guest or whatever. But you're more focused on stand up. I don't have to take mercy to strength and conditioning and then go to the ear doctor and then go do this. It's just four days that I'm focused on fucking comedy, guys. Anywhere I wake up, I always get coffee. Go outside. You gotta start your day with the sun. If it's raining, hide under a fucking ledge. You smoke a fucking number and you go back upstairs. They got the fucking Greek yogurt thing right at the hotel. My favorite one. So I'm good. I could go downstairs, get a coffee and on the way up, get a Greek yogurt and a freshly squeezed orange juice. I'm good till I go out at lunch. I could sit there for two hours and just write. I can't do that at all.

[C]

And does the club record for you?

[A]

They do what they want, but I'm never gonna watch it anyway.

[C]

You would never watch it.

[A]

No.

[C]

Even when you're writing. Okay.

[A]

No. I don't want to see myself. I don't want to see side angles of me. I don't want to see nothing. If I could do stand up in the dark, I would.

[C]

You could,

[A]

but it's the truth. This is the only way this is going to work for me. Can I live in that environment for a month? I don't have it. I don't have it. But I got a week for you. I got a week. I got four or five days before I start missing my family. When I was doing stand up, I leave three days. That's enough. Now you're asking me to stay four or five. We got to work to that level because I get the itchies. I got to go. That's it. I did what I came to do. I was here for two nights. I did five spots, I got blood drawn, and I went to get a steak with my friends. That's more than I'm going to do in three weeks where I live, right?

[C]

And I mean. And I know you don't do it for the money. But you can make enough money to cover your plane tickets.

[A]

Well, no, what I'm going to do is. Well, right now, this has all been an investment. You got to invest in shit. You got to go down there and look around, you know, I don't know what's going on. I don't know what the fuck is going on. In fact, it took me. How long have they been down there?

[C]

A few years.

[A]

It took them five years to finally. It took them about three and a half years. When we did the Paramount, that's when I started going, there's something here. There's something here. I can't figure out how I could do it, but there is something here. You cannot deny that. Yeah, but I don't want to be part of Rogan. You got 19 clubs besides Rogan, tons

[C]

of comedy without Rogan.

[A]

So if you want to fucking get down, down to the ground. Cocaine. The point of this is you doing spots at night and getting on stage. That's the point of this. I'm far behind. Partying or hanging out in the blue room, whatever. The green room. Afterwards, we gotta go. We're picking up a little envelope. 50 bucks, 10 bucks. And to warm up, I would love to go to two open mics with no pressure. For how long was I not going to the fourth wall with you? How many spots did I have after that? I'd go to the main room after the fourth wall, but it cost me five bucks to do five minutes. Just to warm it up. Just to warm it up. You know how much better you felt if you could do three minutes in front of, like a warmup room and then go on stage and do 20 or an hour?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You warmed up.

[C]

I used to do that when I first started. If I had a show, I had to do an open mic first.

[A]

Yeah, me too. I feel better.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

I feel a lot better.

[B]

I'll do that when I first started, too.

[C]

And you'll. I mean, and you're doing. I'm not saying you're not doing good now, but if you. When you are in Austin for however long, if you do that, a week, a month, for three months, you come back and do a show. You'll see the difference.

[A]

Come back with five new minutes.

[C]

Yeah. Come back with more than five minutes.

[A]

Okay, but let's just start with five. Five minutes. And then Thursdays I do Joey Diaz and friends at 8 o' clock at night. Once a month, and that's my rent and the plane ticket, and that's it. I break out even. You Know, but I'll figure it out by the time I get to the next time. There's something else going on. And there's something else going on. All I'm trying to kill is 18 months. That's my new goal.

[C]

You've been killing 18 months for 10 years.

[A]

I'm going on probation. In 18 months, I go to parole and I got an option. You know what I'm saying? Nobody's saying I'm going to quit. I just want you to understand what I'm doing. I got an 18 month window and I'm trying to do something. You follow me?

[C]

What are you trying to do?

[A]

Details are coming soon, okay? No, I'm not. Listen, this shit is changing, guys. This game is not what it used to be 20 years ago or 10 years ago. It's fucking changing. So we got to figure something else out. We got to figure, what's the next move.

[C]

Speaking of that, did you see what Shane Gillis did this weekend?

[A]

Yes.

[C]

That was pretty fucking impressive.

[A]

It's impressive as fuck.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And like he had the people he had opening for. He had music acts during it. He brought another comic on stage. It was. It was so like. And I was really happy with people. I've never had that many people come out just for me. But I was like, Well, I have 45 and I'm thrilled. And he's.

[A]

He said the record 100. What is it? 77.

[C]

77, 000 tickets.

[B]

Yep.

[C]

And it was just. I don't know, just. And then someone posted. I saw someone posted like a show he was doing seven years ago at like a vfw. And I was like, oh, shit. Or a bowling alley, whatever it was. And I'm like, wow, he sold out where the Eagles play.

[A]

And this is the things that keep you alive, right? They're not supposed to induce hate. Look, Jane Gillis, you know Trump. Fuck Trump. What are you talking about? The guy just did something. Pay attention, you fucking hump. That's the direction it might be going. You know how they do Lollapalooza? What's that shit they do in the Coachella? Three days though. I could see them doing a comedy rap two day event today. Finish out with two great rappers at the end of the night. I could see that coming. And they'll get those numbers every 90 days. If you build it, they'll come. That's how we were raised in the United States of America. If you build it, they'll come. So watch what I just told you here. This is getting people thinking right now. This is a different level of. You mean the town where we can get 77,000 people out but the summer's slow? Yeah, last week we had the Daytona 500. But this is what I want people to see. I'm really proud of Shane Gillis, especially after he got canceled and then they had to eat shit and bring him back to show the American public that. Knock it off with your bullshit. Knock it off. This is going back again. I'm not one of those humps, but this is why all those white dudes wore wigs and signed papers, you know, 1776, you know what I'm saying? So you could say what the fuck you want to say. Who the fuck are you to condemn me? Or, oh, he's going to offend somebody, going to offend nobody if they have a life that's forgotten the next day. That's forgotten the next day. But you know, cream always rises to the towel. So we were talking about motivation, you know, Last week we were talking about money. Like, when you find out what people are making, you're like, what the fuck am I doing wrong? I'm making a living doing a YouTube super chat. Playing a violin. Yeah. With a magician named. Whoa, whoa. You know, I'm saying whatever the fuck. Their names are the same thing. Guys, this is going somewhere. The specials aren't working no more. Okay, so how did this music thing change? Because they don't want to buy albums no more. These kids now, they'll pay 800 to see three comics with a rapper and a DJ sponsored by Red Bull or whoever the fuck it is. You get a hotel in the area and you sign up for two days. And at the end of two days, they're gonna do something big. Who knows? But this is where it's going.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

So me, give me 200 seats. You know what I'm saying? And I'm pretty fucking happy.

[C]

Dude, if I sold 200 seats, I would come in my pants at one show. Yeah, for me, dude, like it's. That just. That is like if the Eagles stadium form and to have a sold out comedy club, like an actual comedy, like big, like improv comedy room. And that's not even 200, but that's.

[A]

You know what you feel like when you get on the plane for the first, like the first six months you're building. After the first year I was on the road with Justin, it was getting to the point where you get on a plane Sunday, you sit down, you put your luggage away, and all of a sudden they're like soda water. No, no, nothing. You put your earphones on and you're like, what the fuck just happened? And you think about every fucking room you did with eight people, and every room you did with 30 people. And all the empty promises. Do this show. Howard Stern's coming. Oh, yeah. And then you get there and there's Stern. Well, we talked about it on Stern. We told the assistant to mention it, you know, and you're like, enough, enough. After all that shit. And here you are on a plane, it's Sunday morning at 6am and you just sold out five comedy shows in anybody's club. Helium, the Improv, Baltimore. What's the name of the club? The Goobies. Great club. Any of these clubs, you have to tap yourself on the back. Especially if you came from that. Especially if you weren't a YouTube sensation or you weren't, like, you fucking put in the sweat. You went on the road with two guys for a year and a half and then broke out and did your own thing. You know, once that. You know, what about when you go to a town and sell out Saturday late, and you go back to your hotel room, just jerk off all over yourself and wipe it on your face like a fucking gorilla.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[A]

And you're like, oh, my God. Yeah. Like I said, dog, it was the first time I ever sold out a room. It was the weirdest fucking show ever. It was December 26, maybe 2006, 2007, at the Houston Improv, the Houston Lap stock. I built it up from a feature there, and then the guy liked me, so I just kept going back. I would take whatever he had, and then he goes, joey, just start headlining on off weekends. And I started headlining in there. And just from that, from building. And now listen, everybody knows that on the Saturday late show at this club, they were gonna get 200 people for a penguin. The club was that good. And it had built such a reputation in that town. But just fucking when he told me, joe, you sold out the second show Saturday, I'm like, dog, I can't even sell out the or you're telling me I sold out and I had like 200 people for the early show.

[C]

Nice.

[A]

It's a build, right? You know, it's a really interesting build. And then you see how your agents cut those deals for those last time you sold out two shows. All right, we're going to give you a 500 bonus for both shows on Saturday and both shows on Friday if you sell them out. And now you have to pick a show every night and go, I'm going to focus on that. Hopefully that they'll go to the second one if the first one sold out. And then you figure out, you figure out for some reason you're set. You're not a Saturday early guy. I was never a Saturday early guy.

[C]

Really?

[A]

I couldn't sell a ticket at 7:00 at night.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

But I also had a goose, Goose going on with me that I bombed the first show. You saw me bomb in San Francisco a couple times. The early show Saturday. It got into me years ago because they're more. You know, they have babysitters at home. They went to dinner. Mom is watching the children. The second show, they would, they would. Daily's mommy, you know, he's dancing at the club till 11. Yeah. So your kids hanging out with grandma and they sell crack in the basement. You know, those are the people you get for the second show, Right? People are just animals. They've been drinking since 6.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, the best.

[C]

That's so funny. I do the opposite. Early show loves me. Like. And then when, like, the young and the crazy people come out, it's. Sometimes it's harder for me. I. Dude, I took. I've never drank on stage. There's a Friday night late show. I did two shots of tequila.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

I don't know.

[C]

I've never done that on stage.

[B]

How'd you feel?

[C]

A little bit.

[A]

Okay. Lee, right now you're trying to build a hook on stage. You're there. You just gotta build the hook and build some credits and shit'll start moving for you. But all this takes time, you know? I wish it was just it had happened. Sometimes it happens because you planned it. That feels good. But I gotta be honest with you, sometimes it happens by accident. George went to drop off a thing, the guy started talking to him. Well, I got 200 fucking painting rooms that need a fucking picture. Jed just hit a millionaire. That happens too. So you got to work both angles. You got to expect this is going to happen. But this ain't going to happen unless this happens. You follow me? What were we talking about, tickets or some shit?

[C]

Building it is what?

[A]

Building it.

[B]

Building it.

[A]

Hey, right now you're just going down the road. So, I mean, I don't want you to go on stage with a cocktail. I don't want you to go on stage and ask questions no more. How you guys doing tonight? No, I want you to power into your material, but at the same time, at the eight or nine minute mark, okay, you got to say to yourself, you're Rocking right now. You're on a good little tear. You got some laughs. And the waitress walking by, you pull her aside. Don't even pull her aside. Excuse me, miss, Go in your pocket on stage, can you give me a shot of tequila? And watch people go. Put the money away. We'll send you one. Once you do two or three shots with them, that's it. You own them. That's how you build that market. Okay?

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Because you can't go out there with a joint.

[C]

No.

[A]

All right. Start talking to them, whatever. That's part of building a market. They want to go down there. But your set's going to change.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. You're not going to be 45 minute Lee. You're going to be Q and A Lee. Go back to your material. They give you an idea and you're going to find shit out about yourself.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

You're going to go back to your room and go, I didn't even do none of these jokes.

[C]

I know.

[A]

You didn't need to. The night dictated itself. You know what I'm saying? Woo. I don't have to do that material tonight. You're like, jesus, I couldn't do that joke about fucking fucking dick again. This is what happens. It's really interesting. Like what you said, Dion. I went up and I didn't even do material. I was just turning out fires. That's a complete other muscle.

[C]

Yeah, that was new to me that

[A]

LA comics don't have. If I move to LA or I moved to New York and I just become a comic. Yeah, you'll do Saratoga Springs and all those little hell holes around New York City. But think about it. That's the backbone is those Friday night late shows where I got my late night set. I'm preparing tonight. You right, you're in Kentucky. You ain't preparing your late night show. Are you retarded? You're at Zany's in Chicago. You know, you're at these plate. Not saying he's is a great club. You're at a club where they're gonna disrupt your shit. Like I told you, I used to work a club in Idaho where they decided to send you prairie farts on stage. And you had a choice.

[C]

You didn't have a choice, okay?

[A]

You either drank the cherry, the prairie fart, or they just chiseled you for 30 minutes like Bill Burstyle in Philadelphia.

[C]

That's what I said on stage.

[A]

This was like the university where Drew Bledsoe went to school out there in Idaho. This was. I forget what the Name of this club was. Was booked by John Fox. It was the first club he ever booked me. I got there on a Saturday. He gave me the week. The Friday night there. I was like, holy shit. I left there drunk as fuck. A prairie fart is tequila with Tabasco sauce. Oh, God.

[B]

Get the fuck out of here.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Fuck you.

[A]

And they would start sending you those things.

[B]

That's just torture.

[A]

One of the last times I did it, because it was Wednesday, Friday and Saturday.

[C]

No, Thursday.

[A]

So he would either give you Wednesday or Friday and Saturday.

[C]

Gotcha.

[A]

So you could tell him, like, let me get this Wednesday and give me this one. One of the last times I did it was a Wednesday. I think he paid $50 more. And for. The hotel was nice and shit, but I drank so many of those shots. I got back to my hotel room. The room was just fucking. I was doing coke back then, but I didn't even think about it. Not in this place. I know it's a college town, dog. The room was just fucking. And I sat down for a while. I fucking wobbled through the hallway and got ice and tried to put it on my neck. Next thing you know, I started puking in that sink. When I got up the next morning, it was just Tabasco. It was just a leg of Tabasco on half melted ice. Grandpa, wake up. You know what I'm saying? He's in a trance. He sees himself fucking taking Hudson County. I did it. Oh, man.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

What were we saying?

[C]

We were talking about getting up on stage.

[A]

Yeah. That's. You know, that's. And I'm sorry, because when you go to any part of Texas, Beaumont, one of those in front of you is going to come out with no material, but he's going to come out and go, thank you for coming out tonight. How about, let's do a shot for the armed forces.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

And right when they do that, when the crowd goes crazy. Yeah.

[C]

They start the tone.

[A]

So I don't want you to walk up there with a shot like a fucking idiot.

[C]

No.

[A]

And try to fit in with the shot in the middle of your set. And. What's going on? Can I get two shots of tequila, please?

[C]

And it's not for every set, okay?

[A]

Because number two, you might be the funniest guy in the world, but if your customers, they spend the money, I ain't bringing your fucking sorry ass back.

[B]

Right.

[A]

They get to their own AA meetings.

[C]

Right? Yeah.

[A]

Number two, those waitresses, there's going to be five of them. You're going to tip all five of them, double of what you usually tip them. Because who's going to bring you back?

[C]

Staff.

[A]

Is Lee coming back? He's so sweet, you know, blah, blah, blah, who gives a fuck? All that shit matters. But remember, at the end of this game, Lee was very funny, but every time he performs here, there's five people and they don't drink. They're fucking Mormons.

[C]

Right.

[A]

They ain't bringing you back. They got a guy that plays the clown. He's been on YouTube and he's got 10 million followers. And that's the reality of the game today. Yeah, it's even more cold blooded now.

[C]

It's not that they don't care if you're funny, but it just really doesn't all. All they want is you to sell tickets. And I get it. It's how they make their money.

[B]

It's a business.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. You know, I love to tell you that if I opened up a comedy club, I'm going to make my money, a lot of money at the door and I'm going to fucking rape him with the bar drinks. But you're not going to make no money at the door because if you got a comic, the agencies take that. You get 20% off the top of that. Yeah, you can finagle a couple tickets, but they're going to throw you under the prison, like mania. You can't be doing that. You can't be doing that. You know what I'm saying?

[C]

Did you see his excuse?

[A]

His what?

[C]

He had. He put out a. He was like interviewed on tv. He's like, I just didn't pay my. Like he was like an excuse. He's like, listen, I didn't do anything bad. I just didn't pay my taxes. 10 million up to $10 million.

[B]

That's a good, Like, I don't know. Like, yeah, like, I didn't lie.

[C]

I just didn't pay.

[A]

Because he keeps talking that nonsense. They're going to put him away like they did me because he's talking that nonsense. Everybody's watching that. The judges are watching that. The fucking DA is watching that. Everybody's watching that. And instead of him saying, listen, I had a bad fucking year. I had personal stuff going on in my life. I saw the bills, but I was negligent and I'm willing to pay whatever fine or whatever the state wants to do with me. Boom. He's out there with a fucking. A stupid fucking shirt on of Che Guevara. Some fucking fake fucking cocksucker. And you know it's how you approach that right now. That's what they watching. Especially with all the media, when I had no media. They're still watching. You go out at night and get. And I'm with Pedro, and he starts to fight, and the cops come and they take my id. Within three days, I got a call from my probation officer. They're going to violate me because I was there with Pedro, right? They know shit already, so it's kind of fucking weird. I don't know. I don't know nothing. How long you been doing comedy for now, Pedro?

[B]

Seven years.

[A]

You started, right, In North Bergen?

[B]

I start. Yeah. Well, no. My first open mic was in Garfield, in a place called the Boiler Room. The stage was a fort, was a pallet, a wooden pallet. There's a drunk Portuguese guy cursing people out in the front. But he was. He was. He was good, bro. I was so nervous. I've never been nervous like that in my life. Like, before that set, I've never been shaky or anything like that, bro. I had. I had a computer paper written down, my. My jokes. I was shaking so much, people could hear the. The paper, and the whole play, everybody was, like, looking like a sad noise. And it was me shaking there like that. But once I touch that, that's it, bro. So it's gonna be eight years. November.

[A]

Now It's November.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I've been a comedy fan since I was nine years old, though. I've been watching Comedy Central, premium blend.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

VH1. Stand up. Since I was. Yes. I've been saying I was in front of the TV since I was a kid. That's what I did, bro. Friday nights, Comedy Central presents. There's. I think it was Thursday, it was Premium Blend. And the Spike TV has Stand up. But I didn't know. I want. I didn't know you could do that. I thought somebody like, hey, you. You want to go to comedy school? I thought it was like that. So I was like, I can't do this. Until a chick I went to high school with, she. She hit me up. She was like, hey, there, people do comedy at this bar, which was the Boiler Room. I think you should try it on. I went, man, those fights. Crazy. And I look back, the call from.

[A]

What's her name? Natalie.

[B]

The girl that called you, her name was Angie. She hit me up.

[A]

The time she called you to. The time you got on stage, how long did it take?

[B]

Three years.

[A]

Hey, Joe. You beat my record by 18 months. Took me a year and a half to get on stage. Finally Bro, pussified. Plus, I told you, you know, that's why when you get like stories from Becky, I joined the contest and I went like, what took me a year and a half of procrastinating, watching stand up movies. That's going to be me someday.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Yep, that's right.

[A]

That was me, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Snorting coke, watching fucking the one with Tom Hanks and Angel Salazar and Sally Field. Yeah. Yeah. Every week. And I would get agitated when the movie ended and the coke ended. I would try to write these Godzilla jokes that were God awful. That was my only premise, was Godzilla and Chinese people. And I like Godzilla used to step on garbage. And I look at this shit and go, I'm gonna make it to the top sometime. You know, you're such a retard. But 18 months and I fucking feel terrible. I had a good day today because I just found that out. Somebody beat my record.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Why did it take you three years?

[B]

Because I was scared, man. I was scared as I was like, what are people gonna think about me?

[A]

Honestly, how many times did you get

[B]

in the car to go, I did it three times. I did it three times. And then I just said it. I'm not gonna. I'll do it when I do it. And then, and then I got. Had this argument with my boss at this time. I wanted a gram by the throat and I couldn't and that drove me insane. So I was like, I gotta figure this out. I don't. I gotta like, maybe, maybe I. Three years later I went, I. I saw my pride. I called Angie. I was like, they're still doing that open mic.

[A]

Yup.

[B]

I write to it. I'd lie to the bartender, trying to act cool because she was hot. I was like, yeah, I'm just here to, you know, I do comedy in the city. I never did a minute of comedy. And I was. Went on, I went on stage and I ate a bag. Well, I did okay. The second time was bad, but yeah. Oh, the second time was crickets. Because now they see that I'm trying. They thought it was a one time thing, so I guess they laughed. But the second time they're like, this guy.

[A]

Yeah. It's so crazy how I think of that time and I get sad. I really do get sad. That little lull I took of pussiness of. And I would call every Tuesday, hey, Joe Diaz, next week. Hi. That next Tuesday they would call me, hey, Joey, you got three minutes on Tuesday night. See you tonight. I'm like, my heart would just stop and Then I'd start thinking about excuses. I start sweating. I purposely look for coke. That would ruin my day. It was horrid. I got in my car a few times and then, man, it was just calling and they called me. And my wife overheard it at the time. And she made me go. She goes, I got a babysitter. I remember driving with her going, how do I tell I want to turn this car around? Like, how bad do I? But I knew that. Like, I feel like crying now. Because I always knew that if I could just get on stage, something was going to happen. I just knew it. I just felt it. I was sick of fucking working. I was 32 and I was done with it. Like, I, you know. No, I was 28 and I was done with jobs and fucking. Like, I hated that whole thing. Like, I said last week, I love to steal and sell coke. That's the only thing I was qualified for. Had already gone to prison. Now I'm a double loser. No high school diploma. Enough is enough. Joey. Go down there. And bro, getting off that stage that night was just. And you go home and you can't sleep for two days. You're like, how am I gonna fit this into my world? I got a kid, I got no money. I'm making payments on everything I own. Yeah. You know, it's scary. And also it just. And it's funny because I got on stage and then I got on stage like three or four times. And then I was having problems at home. It was August. I was starting to feel the drama at home. We weren't getting along, but she encouraged the standup. And then I came to New York and I hung out with this chooch for 10 days and I just got fucked up every night. I was going to the city. Yeah, I'm going to go to the city tonight and kill. I never even did stand up. The whole thing I came was to walk around New York. I never parked the car and walk around. I was so fucked up. Then I went back in September, and I think I did maybe an open mic at a fucking bar two, three hours away one night. And they put me up at 1 in the morning. I was fucking furious. You know, you don't know. I'll do it. And the guy's like, yeah, we start at nine and we go to about 130. You're number 31 or something. I'm like, I gotta sit here through all this and just watch the audience leave.

[B]

Yeah, one by one, just one by one, walking out the door of the audience. And you're just there. Oh, my God.

[C]

You have a joke for one person like this. Jokes didn't get him.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then one guy goes up and walks. 22 people. Yeah. I remember that night vividly. And then I remember maybe two weeks later, she dropped the hammer on me. She didn't want to be married no more. But it was like October 15th, and I was looking through the Boulder, but she had already moved out. And I remember looking through the paper one night, bored as fuck. I was thinking about going and getting coke and all this shit. But I looked and it said, comedy Tonight, Boulder Broker, 8 o' clock show. $15 for a dinner and the ticket. And then it goes, if you come early, it's a comedy contest. I go, you know what? I got no wife. I got no kid. I got a TV with a vcr. I got a mattress upstairs. She took everything. It ain't gonna get no better in this house. Let me just go. And I went down there, paid the 15 bucks, and I watched the amateur comedy. And I knew, like, one of the guys, like, I had worked with him before at an open mic or whatever. And I'll never forget the ball. I just went up to the manager and I go, hey, man, how do I get on the contest? He goes, when do you want to do it? I go, you tell me. And he goes, next Tuesday. And he goes, just show up. It's every week, so the more you show up, the more brackets you win. I was like, okay. I go, you sure I can just show up next Tuesday? He's like, you got it again. I was bored and lonely, and I went up there,

[B]

never even looked back.

[A]

Then I started doing it. Then, I think, except for one week, he told me I couldn't do it that week. And then it was the same night as the Comedy Works, open night, open mic. So I was taking a big chance. I should be at the Comedy Works. They liked me at the Comedy Works, but I'm coming down here on Tuesday. I think I went to the comedy worst one time. I think I ate a bag of dicks. So I said, let me just go to the Broker for right now. And they asked me to do the finals, and I won. And it changed everything by just getting up off my ass and going to this steakhouse. It was like a steak shrimp place.

[B]

Okay. It's a contest. You won. That feeling is nice.

[A]

What's that?

[B]

Winning a contest that early, dog.

[A]

It was lucky. It was fucking luck. Like, everything was going bad in my life at that time. And here, comedies Coming out of the woodwork, like, the last thing I expected. I thought by that time I'd get promoted at the roofing company. No, here I am actually doing. Doing what I was scared of doing every Tuesday. I was too fucked up in the head after the separation to even focus on work. I was a salesman. I couldn't even focus. So I took time off and I just fucking wrote stupid fucking jokes.

[B]

When you. When you finally got off stage the first time, did you think to yourself, I found my thing. I found what I was put on here, like, what I'm here to do. This is what I'm meant for?

[A]

Yes and no. I'm not going to lie to you.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

Because that doubt was always there. I'm from North Bergen.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

You know, I'm a Cuban kid. I got felonies. What are they going to do when they find out that I didn't even make it through? I thought all these comedians were perfect, you know, like there were perfect models. And yes, I didn't know. So I was like, who my. You know, I'm gonna go do one of these comedy shows. I'm gonna punch a magician in the face, and they're gonna throw me in jail for the rest of my fucking life. You know? That's how I always looked at it. But I always. That night, I remember going home, and it was a level of being high without being high. Like a euphoric fucking state. And I saw. I saw myself doing it. So it was really interesting after that. And then three months later, this woman doesn't want to be with me no more. I hit the jackpot. I hit the fucking jackpot. I felt bad for my daughter and the whole thing. I was still gonna stay in Colorado, but at least I can give this shit a shot. A hundred fucking percent with no skeletons. Just go for it. And that was it. That was exactly what I did. I just kept doing it. That's it. I had no. I'm always rich as gear in office and a gentleman. And when I'm gonna throw them out.

[B]

Yeah, I ain't got no place.

[A]

I got no place to go. At the end of the day, you don't. What am I gonna go back and do? Become a waiter? A bartender at 63? Yeah. I got nowhere to go. I go to work for George. Delivering frames and, yeah, checking the air conditioner. I can't even climb on the roof. What can I do at 63? So what can I do at 42? What can I do at 44? At that point, you're in Bro. And I was already in, you know, I don't know. Fifteen years. You're in. That's it. Fuck it. Sorry. And then I got a movie and you're like, okay, we on to something. You know what I'm saying? We are into something and you get another one and you're like, holy shit. And I thought I would only be an extra. But I ain't going to tell that to nobody. And that's all it is. Take an acting class once in a while just to make yourself feel better about what you're doing. You know, having conversations like, with us like this, that helps you, you know, whatever.

[B]

Yeah,

[A]

keep getting on stage. Yeah, look at Lee. He keeps getting on stage. That's it. You know, he's got obsessed with numbers, but he's a Jew and I respect that. But that's gonna take him down eventually. He'll know it. Because right now, just take these gigs. Who gives a fuck? You're not gonna go. I mean, what are you gonna do? Get a plane with ads? What are you gonna do? How many more people are gonna show up? Lee Syed's in town. How many more people gonna show up?

[C]

Cloud Rider might help. You never know, you know?

[A]

I mean, right now you're looking at. You gotta think about what Shane Gillis did and go, they're out there right now. Any smart young comic is looking at that. I'm a billy goat. And I'm still looking at it going, what the fuck just happened? That could have been Shane Gillis. Or guess what, Lisa Ann. That could have been you. Yeah, that could have been Pedro. That could have been Eric Rocha.

[C]

Could be anybody. And we all. We all started doing open mics and

[A]

we all started doing open. And when you see that. What did I say last week? Every once in a while you get down on comedy and all of a sudden something like this happens. You got two ways to look at it. Fuck Shane Gillis. You'll fuck. That be fucking. He stole a joke from me in a coffee house. Come on, guy. You're co emceeing stole a joke from you. You know,

[B]

go. I'm seeing 25 people on the line,

[A]

and that's a complete different mental illness. But think about what this kid did. Think about the avenues you have in front of you. I mean, for me. Listen, I wouldn't even dream that big like I've had. I'm good.

[C]

No, I. That's not even. I get jealous all the time.

[A]

I want you both to think that fucking big. And I want you to go you know what, dog? Guess what? I'm going to show these white motherfuckers I'm going to Israel and sell 90,000 seats. You know what I'm saying? Boom. And at the end, drop a bomb. Forget a B52 flying, just kill half the fucking stadium. You know what I'm saying? You know, I mean, these are jokes, but, yeah, I want you guys to think like, this is. Dog. If I. What am I going to do? George Burns come out there with a cigar and a wig, you know, hey, Rosie, Hey, Lee. Remember when the fuck out of here, Joey. The fuck out of here. But you guys got, like I always tell you guys got the world by the balls. Just stick to it. There's no fucking secret, dog. I'd have hundreds of thousands of dollars if I put a book together with bullshit. People would hate me, but I'd hook everybody. I just got an ad like Rolling Stone comic and have Shane Gillis give like a quote. It's the best comedy book I ever read. You know, that's it. You could swindle people. There's no. It's the same. It's the same mathematical thing. What is it? What's algebra X plus Y equal X? What? Yeah, something like that, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And we got to figure out what the X is and the Y is and. Or they give you the answer, you know? This is comedy algebra.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

And it's like I say, it's part of the comedy karma. It's so many fucking things that have to align. But while that shit's aligning, go fuck your mother. You're on stage every night while that shit's aligning, what are you going to do? If you sit at home and wait, look out the window every night? Yeah, it's good lightning. I could see the North Star. No, it's not until you go out and go, I really don't want to go out tonight. My fucking foot hurts, my knee hurts. And also, you're like, you look in the couches, there ain't no money in there. You've already swindled that. You're so fucking. You're such a douchebag. There's an IOU in there from yourself, you know what I'm saying? I owe you 75 cents and shit. And you go out and those are the nights when something happens. They just go down there. There'll be three people. You walk in, there's a hundred people and you're like, what happened, Anthony, bro, a bunch of fucking gay tourists walked in. They're having the best time of that line. And I'm not, you know, I'm just saying anything. German tourists, Israeli tourists, and you're there in front of a hundred people, what are we going to do? You. And then when you get on the train that night, when you get that slice of pizza on the way home, because you deserve it, you were gonna sit at home.

[B]

Yeah, you know what?

[A]

I'll get a slice of pizza and I'll stop and give the missus a little flour. Yeah, that's basically it, guys. There's no fucking. Chappelle has been doing this since he was, what, 13, 16? Yeah, it was, you know, Nick Cannon when he was a fucking kid. I just saw the other day. He's 40 something years old. He's been doing this, God knows, 30 years. I was in LA. 98, 97. They would put him outside and then sneak him into the club. He only had like a little time because he was a minor. So they would have to put him up like between 8 and 8, 15. And it's like he had his parents around him outside. The host would have to fly out and say, come on, Nick, we're ready for you. And they would run him in, he'd do his 10 minutes and they'd run them back out. So, guys, it's Father Time. You can't worry about this because you don't know. That's why you got to do everything that's offered to you, because you don't know. Hey, Lee, I'm shooting this fucking short film about Jews taking over Harlem. You want to be one of the prisoners? You know, whatever. It's one hour of your day. You're going to be there for eight hours. You're going to meet two people, okay? They're not gonna pay you, but you're gonna meet two people. Guess what? It got fucking one first prize and the Little Italy Film Festival. You. You and two other movies from Japan. So you won, you know, shit like that. But it's a title. And now and then they'll call you and go, lee, this guy wants to see you about a movie. This was gonna pay $50 a day. And you do that. And Lee, all this shit is just a circle and it comes right back to you at the end. How do I know? Because I saw it. I saw it. I remember all the nights I would stay at the comedy store till 2 because I had to go shoot a Student Film At 4:00am, you know, no money, no money. They got abused. Abused. Then you go see the finished product. And who shot this? Why am I In this, bro, you learn this, you learn how to step on that, you learn how to look at the camera. You focus. Everything you do is. And then you take an acting class and then you learn how to put all fucking three of them together. And you start podcasts and you draw pictures. I don't give a fuck. You know? I don't give a fuck. You gotta. As long as your heart pure, something's gonna hit and your intentions are good. Something's gonna hit for you. It may not be what you want and how the man said, right, you can't always get what you want, but you get what you need. Fuck yeah. I appreciate all your help on gta, Pedro.

[B]

Nrt, brother, anytime.

[A]

And that's why I usually with stand up. I see you guys growing. You, Becky, Hector, Lee, it's amazing. And I saw myself grow as a comic because now when I go to the dojo, one of those clubs, I'm not the funny guy no more. You know what I'm saying? I'm the old guy. Watching you guys learning from a different perspective and being proud. I'm still allowed in that green room, you know, I don't want to be that old guy. I'm in 62, you know, fucking legend. Nobody gives a.

[B]

Come on, you're a fucking legend, brother.

[A]

Nobody gives a. And you have to know that going in. But I've learned from you guys. As a matter of fact, it made comedy fun for me again. How can I describe it? Before I left la, I was doing corporate comedy. It was businessy, I wasn't worried about numbers. Everything was business based, which meant give me my check so I get the fuck out of here. I was still focused on the show. Now I'm having fun at these shows. It's because you young guys come, you show up. We get the worst appetizers in the world. We eat, we smoke dope. You steal lighters, motherfucker, put them up on ebay. But I hope to see you more. I see you a lot.

[B]

Yeah, man.

[A]

Usually on some dates. This year you get into that place. I watched Becky grow like a couple weeks ago. Oh yeah, the other girl, Allie, Ally. Was it funny?

[B]

Funny as.

[A]

And you see this, you know these people when they're really young. Yeah. The same time when I see Kim condom and she's having a great time killing. I know I. When she was a kid, yelling at people, you know, it's just amazing watching Lee be in Texas for six nights, you know, five nights in a row, you know, you started in Austin fucking around with Me, a couple years ago, right?

[C]

Yeah. It was the first real.

[A]

First time I did this motherfucker. I call him. He goes, lee, where you going? I'm thinking of going for Chinese food. I go, lee, have you seen any Chinese people in Austin? Yeah, yeah, but that's all you could eat. All you could eat buffet. I saved his life. He doesn't know. How fucking lucky is.

[C]

It was before Uber.

[A]

Yeah. No. Yeah. How are you getting there?

[C]

A cab. I took a cab.

[A]

Bobby Sharon was driving.

[C]

No, Bobby Sharon did take me out, but that was before Uber. I went. I took a cab. They had a barbecue place in a gas station that I went. It was. It's like a little chain sort of thing. I remember. That was.

[A]

But that barbecue was good.

[C]

Yeah. Oh, yeah, it was very.

[A]

I told you a long time ago. Listen, you want to go and be online and take Instagrams. You want to go to a big place? Yeah, it's great. But bad barbecue in Texas is better when you're going to get on Route 3.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Any in New York City where there's Shaft? Get the out of here. Yeah, you got a mustache and a six pack.

[C]

I did go. We went to Terry Blacks and then we went and. And then I. I brought. I got a cooler at Buc ee's and I took. I brought some of the sausages home, some of the jalapeno cheddar sausages.

[A]

And you didn't bring those for. George brings you.

[C]

And then. Then I did. We went to Franklin's, that place. But it was raining, so there was no line. So I got a bunch of good.

[A]

But Franklin's was good too. Yeah, I told you. It's like, you know, you go stand online and be chic and there was

[C]

no line that day.

[A]

Or go. Look, let's. Let me show you how you cook the meats. Listen, not this time. You know what I'm saying?

[C]

I came here to eat.

[A]

My knee hurts. I ain't got time. They're going to replace my hip. I'm doing that. Got any dates coming up, gentlemen?

[B]

Yeah, just follow my Instagram. I'm mostly Cuban. You'll see everything on there.

[A]

No website yet.

[B]

Yeah, follow me on Twitch. I'm mostly Cuban as well. That's why everything there.

[A]

No solid data. Website. Pedro Garcia.

[B]

Nah.

[A]

Actor, Musician.

[B]

Nah.

[A]

Magician only on Sundays.

[B]

Not model. Male model, maybe. Yeah, let's. We'll see. But yeah, just follow me. Mostly Cuban. Everything on Twitch.

[A]

How about you, my little brother? Where you at?

[C]

Pedro will be on my show at St. Mark's on July 30th.

[B]

Yep. At a buck 30.

[C]

And this week I'm in New York City. I'm in New Rochelle, Upper east side comedy club. And then Saturday, first time at Stand Up New York.

[A]

All right.

[B]

I love you, brother. Thank you for coming.

[C]

You got Atlantic City coming up.

[A]

That's on the seventh and eighth, but August 5th in Brooklyn. That's my last hurrah. The next two weeks are gonna be crazy because next week, I don't know what I'm gonna be able to do this week. I know they do have a room in Dewey beach and they do comedy. But on Tuesdays, maybe I'll call them up and let's see how these pop ups work. We'll get DJ Khaled to come and bring his friends. I really wanna try a pop up like five in the afternoon in the city. It get. Somebody will pay somebody 50 bucks to play a guitar and open for us. And we'll go on the tent and whatever happens, we'll get one of those portable. We'll borrow from somebody. One of. One of these has a. George has one, all right? The George says that we got the mic stand, we got the computer, we got the camera. Come on, guys, who's better than us? Nobody. Nobody. August 5th, motherfucking Brooklyn Improv. Brooklyn Improv. And then I got the seventh and eighth in Atlantic City at Ocean's Casino. Tickets are going, so jump on them, especially Saturday night. And that's it, guys. I'm excited. We're all good. Everybody's healthy, right? Yeah, you got comedy work. You got comedy work. And I got all you motherfuckers. So I love you. Stay black and we'll see you next week. Tip top, Magoo.