The edible hoof

Summary

The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament Episode: The Edible Hoof
Release Date: August 5, 2025
Hosts: Joey Coco Diaz & Lee Syatt

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I. Live Performances & Opening Acts

The episode opens with Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt delving into the intricacies of live performances, particularly focusing on the role of opening acts in both music and comedy. Joey draws parallels between musicians warming up the crowd and comedians setting the stage for the main act.

Joey Diaz [05:23]: "It's crazy that it's the same with comedy."

Lee complements Joey's observation by emphasizing the team effort required to make a show successful, highlighting that both openers work in unison to enhance the overall performance.

II. Professionalism in Comedy

Joey passionately discusses what it means to be a professional comedian. He underscores the importance of setting aside personal issues when on stage, ensuring that the performance remains unaffected by external circumstances.

Joey Diaz [06:29]: "Listen, it's showtime. So whatever's going on in your life comes to an end when you go up in front of a live audience."

He further elaborates on how personal pain and emotions can fuel comedic material but emphasizes the necessity of maintaining composure to deliver effectively.

Joey Diaz [08:00]: "Your name changes if your name is Lee Syat. If you think changing your name when you go on stage to Julie McGowan. So whatever you're saying doesn't come from Lee Syat's heart. It's come from Julie McGowan's heart."

III. Personal Struggles and Comedy's Role

Joey opens up about his personal hardships, including the loss of his mother and the challenges he faced in his personal relationships. He reflects on how comedy served as an outlet for his pain, allowing him to process and present his experiences through humor.

Joey Diaz [09:00]: "I'm having a hard time writing right now, as a personal. You know why? Because I've kind of accepted my mother's death."

This segment offers listeners a deeper insight into how personal experiences shape a comedian's material and performance style.

IV. Nepotism and Bringing Kids on Stage

A significant portion of the discussion revolves around the topic of nepotism in the entertainment industry, particularly the controversial practice of bringing one's children to perform on stage. Joey expresses his reservations about this trend, advocating for genuine talent over familial connections.

Joey Diaz [22:15]: "I don't want to be accused of that, you know, that's why I'm happy she plays softball, because I never played softball."

Lee adds to the conversation by acknowledging the ethical dilemmas involved when parents use their influence to provide opportunities for their children.

V. Observations on Society and Daily Life

The hosts transition into sharing various anecdotes and observations from their daily lives, touching upon topics like societal norms, personal interactions, and generational differences. Joey humorously recounts encounters with patrons at local establishments, offering comedic takes on modern behaviors.

Joey Diaz [32:19]: "There's a skunk that bit some fucking dog and he had rabies. I know you've all seen it in Middletown."

This segment provides listeners with relatable humor grounded in everyday situations, showcasing the hosts' ability to find comedy in mundane events.

VI. Upcoming Shows and Closing Remarks

Towards the end of the episode, Joey and Lee promote their upcoming performances, encouraging listeners to attend their shows and support fellow comedians. They also reflect on the evolving landscape of comedy, expressing optimism about the inclusion of older comedians in the industry.

Joey Diaz [80:51]: "We're going back there in November and we got other little gigs popping up. But yeah, that's it."

The episode concludes with a light-hearted exchange, reinforcing the camaraderie between the hosts and their commitment to delivering engaging content.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Joey Diaz [06:29]: "Listen, it's showtime. So whatever's going on in your life comes to an end when you go up in front of a live audience."

• Joey Diaz [08:00]: "Your name changes if your name is Lee Syat. If you think changing your name when you go on stage to Julie McGowan. So whatever you're saying doesn't come from Lee Syat's heart. It's come from Julie McGowan's heart."

• Joey Diaz [09:00]: "I'm having a hard time writing right now, as a personal. You know why? Because I've kind of accepted my mother's death."

• Joey Diaz [22:15]: "I don't want to be accused of that, you know, that's why I'm happy she plays softball, because I never played softball."

• Joey Diaz [32:19]: "There's a skunk that bit some fucking dog and he had rabies. I know you've all seen it in Middletown."

• Joey Diaz [80:51]: "We're going back there in November and we got other little gigs popping up. But yeah, that's it."

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This episode of The Church of What's Happening Now offers a candid look into the world of comedy, blending personal anecdotes with broader industry insights. Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt engage listeners with their raw humor, personal reflections, and thoughtful discussions on professionalism and authenticity in the comedic realm.

Transcript

[Joey Diaz]

What's happening, beautiful people. Uncle Joey here with the savage of love, Lee Syat for another fun filled episode of the church New Testament. It's August 5th. What do you want to do? Let's get this party started. Hey, it's Uncle Joe here. Listen, I want to talk to you about cereal. If you want cereal, that's okay. To eat by the handful, grab some Magic Spoon. Magic Spoon has 13 grams of protein, 0 grams of sugar and 4 grams of net carbs. That's it. Go ahead and eat cereal for dinner without no shame. And read the box while you're eating. With flavors like fruity cocoa and frosted, it tastes like Saturday morning in front of a tv. Me, I'm a cocoa type of guy. If you need to be on the go, Magic Spoon also has treats cereal bars that you could take anywhere. Each bar has 12 grams of protein. I had the marshmallow and the double chocolate. Tremendous. What we're going to do is this. You're going to get $5 off your next order of Magic Spoon at magicspoon.com church. Or look for Magic Spoon on Amazon or in your nearest grocery store. That's magicspoon.comchurch for $5 off. Get that magic Spoon. Kick this mule, you savages. It's a beautiful Tuesday morning. The fall is in the air. What's going on, little brother?

[Lee Syat]

I've been having a great week.

[Joey Diaz]

Do.

[Lee Syat]

We had a fun week last week.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, we did. What'd you end up doing this weekend? Mama came back. Dude, you went to the Google.

[Lee Syat]

I can't tell you anything anytime I'm doing anything.

[Joey Diaz]

Sort of the is the Google Doc.

[Lee Syat]

I don't know. She. It's her concert. I will say I grew up in the early 2000s. Like if you grew up around then you'll know some of their songs.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, I know some of their songs. And from Buffalo, New York.

[Lee Syat]

Yeah, they were really cool.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah.

[Lee Syat]

And it was. They did. It was. You know what? The venue was awesome.

[Joey Diaz]

What was the venue?

[Lee Syat]

The Jones beach. Like theater, like on the water.

[Joey Diaz]

Water, yeah. That's a good theater. That is a good place.

[Lee Syat]

I the seats. She got the seats. Like eight row. It was the best seats I've ever had to anything. Like eight rows back. You could. My biggest thing is that like a concert, I feel like I'm being like crowded. There were seats and like it was like an older crowd. So like people sat for like the song, like the new songs. They just sat for the songs they didn't like. And it was.

[Joey Diaz]

Did you hold hands and hug each other like that faggot at the Coldplay concert.

[Lee Syat]

Not like that.

[Joey Diaz]

Like that. And both look at the. The band. If I could be seen I want.

[Lee Syat]

To show you the world. Yeah. No. No Aladdin Song. No.

[Joey Diaz]

All right.

[Lee Syat]

As long as it was a good time.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm happy you won. I'm very happy you won.

[Lee Syat]

It was cool. You know what was really cool was Dashboard Confessional Open. And I. Like, I haven't been in many concerts, but I thought it was gonna be like, a local band, like, kind of like a comedy show, like a local band feature. And then the headliner. And they did a good job because, like, when we got there, they were. They were playing to, like, a mostly empty place. And by the end of their set, of course, like, it gets to be really full. But, like, I've never seen a. Like, a band, like, warm the crowd up. Like, he even said, like, it's my job, so I need you guys to get creative. Like. Like, he did stuff outside of just being, like, a music musician. I've never seen that. Like, a. I'm like, warm it. And it helped. Like, it got the crowd going right before the main guy.

[Joey Diaz]

It's crazy that. It's the same with comedy.

[Lee Syat]

Right?

[Joey Diaz]

Like, now you understand your job a little better from. Want to see a music act.

[Lee Syat]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, and it's like you run into all these feature acts, and they'll tell you, oh, yeah, I blew away the headline. When you didn't go for a good show, you went for, you know, your own personal shit, you know? And now you see what a team effort is. That's why I like bringing my own guys to work with me because. And I learned that from Rogan, because nobody's trying to hurt each other. We're all working in unison to make the show the best that we can make it. Whether it's eight openers or two openers, both of those openers are gonna be fucking good. And we're all in unison to make the show that much fucking better. From happiest. I told you a lot of comedy shit I've learned from watching musicians, AKA singers. Singers. The music is funneled to the audience by that singer. And you don't even know what he's fucking doing. You don't know what he's doing till you leave there and go, fuck. Mick Jagger didn't stop dancing all night. This guy didn't stop jumping up and down all night. That energy feeds on the fucking audience. Nobody's better at it than Mick Jagger because Mick Dances to the song. And if the song is kind of like Satisfaction, Mick goes a little nuts. As nuts as he could go at 80.

[Lee Syat]

Oh, he's still going nuts.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, he'll dance.

[Lee Syat]

I thought this was, like, 50 years ago. He was going nuts, dog.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't know what he's gonna do now. I don't know if they're gonna come back now. I don't know. You know, right? He's 80, right? Mick Jagger's 80. That's a different fucking animal. But with the money they got, they could do two shows a week, right? 82. 80. 82. 82. With the money he's got, he could do 80 shows. Two shows a week for about a month, and then 80 fucking. Two guys. I mean, he's still fucking. So if he. If you're fucking, you could still wiggle a little bit.

[Lee Syat]

He just had a kid. Wow.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, he just had a kid. All these.

[Lee Syat]

But it. Like, the. The other thing, like, every time I see music, and this was a. More of a. Like a subdued band, but, like, the energy musicians have when they're performing live. Like, sometimes I feel like if I'm tired at stand up. Like, I feel like if I'm listening to it, I could hear it in my voice that, like, I sound tired. Like, them jumping, like, I don't. You can't be tired and do that. I don't think, like, the energy. I think they're great with that.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, it's showtime. So whatever's going on in your life comes to an end when you go up in front of a live audience. The adrenaline from the audience, the excitement, the energy from the audience should wake you the fuck up. I know. Who's gonna sleep in front of a hundred people. I can't sleep with one guy talking to fucking TV. Could you imagine 100 fucking people yakking amongst themselves?

[Lee Syat]

No.

[Joey Diaz]

So think about that. Okay? We discussed this last week also. This is one of the biggest parts of comedy. And Doug Stanhope taught me this. But before Doug taught me this, I figured a little bit of this out on my own. When you're. What does professional mean? A professional means two things. That no matter if your asshole's bleeding, your mother's in the hospital, your cat died, when it's 8:05, all that goes away for 45 minutes. You could deal in grief in your own time or whatever you're going through later. In fact, that type of shit going on in your life should give your comedy a certain type of fuel. You're angry, your girlfriend left you you went home and your girlfriend was fucking a mailman. You know you're gonna come out and be. No. So your material's gonna come from a different fucking place. And that's what you got. Some nights, the material comes from happiness. Sometimes the material comes from anger. Sometimes the material comes from pain. I'm having a hard time writing right now, as a personal. You know why? Because I've kind of accepted my mother's death. Finally, after 80 fucking years, instead of being a pussy, I finally accepted what happened with my first daughter and my first wife. I've accepted all these things. So all these things that used to fuel my pain, I don't deal with no more. I go home and my pain is taken care of, whether it's my cat, my wife, you guys. I don't need what I used to need anymore. So that material doesn't come when I'm on stage now, I'm laughing, I gotta get high. I go up there and I laugh and I giggle. And even that, you know, this is why when you're a professional in comedy, everything changes when it's stage time. Your name changes if your name is Lee Syat. If you think changing your name when you go on stage to Julie McGowan. So whatever you're saying doesn't come from Lee Cyat's heart. It's come from Julie McGowan's heart. That's what it is. That's what it is. Your. Everything changes at 8:05. Once you walk in there and you talk to your friends and the comics. Yeah, last week I went to Iowa, Last week I went to Chicago. And all of a sudden you start getting that energy from them. Then the one guy has a good set, now you gotta have a good set. There's no time for. My grandma's in the hospital and her toe hurts. Listen, you could deal with that in 22 minutes. Nothing's gonna change in 22 minutes. Nothing. Unless they're dead already. You know, there's not much you can fucking do. You know what I'm saying? But nothing's gonna matter. And that's why comedy is so great. Because if something good happens, you could talk about it. And if something bad happens, you could talk about it. And while you're talking about it in a bad way and making it funny, that goes to $80. You were gonna pay a therapist. Well, $80 was the old days.

[Lee Syat]

I know.

[Joey Diaz]

Now these motherfuckers want 2200 to talk to you on a computer screen with an ISIS mask on. You know what I'M saying, so.

[Lee Syat]

There goes that sponsor. But the thing with like bringing emotion into it, it's like anger. Whenever I go up angry, like, it doesn't come out as funny. It comes. It just comes out as like, just really angry.

[Joey Diaz]

You're coming out with material instead of putting the material aside and talking about what's really going on.

[Lee Syat]

No, I'm talking about like being angry. Like just saying jokes about.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, what are you angry about?

[Lee Syat]

A breakup, anything.

[Joey Diaz]

That's what you bring up to the stage.

[Lee Syat]

Oh, that's what I did.

[Joey Diaz]

That's when it becomes funny. I think one of the best sets as an open micr I had open micro slash feature. Like when you're still in that limbo of featuring. One month, right? Week a month. My girlfriend threw me out to stripper. But like I had just done a gig that I had gotten like $320. In those days when I got $320, I was Trump. I was fucking. I was. What's that guy that. The guy that invented that car you drive? Whatever.

[Lee Syat]

Elon Musk. Elon Musk.

[Joey Diaz]

$320 on Elon Musk. So I go to her house and she's like, oh my God, this is the ex stripper that I was banging heads with. Two weeks on, then a week off, I go to her house, you know, we eat. I have to go pay groceries. I take her for grocery shopping. She milks me for a bottle of wine. I'm looking at this, I'm like, I'm down to 200 already. And then I finally jump on her so it's worth the 200. And then she got me for something else. Gas in the car and something else. I'm down to like fucking 80 bucks.

[Lee Syat]

Jesus.

[Joey Diaz]

And all of a sudden she gets into an argument with me and now she's telling me she's throwing me out. I want my money back. You know what I'm saying? I just bought groceries, I want my grocery money back. And she just goes, fuck you in your grocery money. You're out. So now I gotta find a place to sleep, travel, and the only place I got to go is the comedy club. That's the only place I had to go at that time. It was like some special show. And I went down and they go, you want to go up? I remember walking in there with my bags and they're like, what the fuck? I go, don't even ask. I got thrown out, but who gives a fuck? We're here. I got enough money for a gram of coke, you know, What I'm saying, I got enough money for a half gram of coke and 30 for some fucking drinks. So we're okay with it could be worse. And I'll never forget I went on stage with like a list. And man, as soon as I hit the stage, I went off about her and I was like, and I'll never. I said one joke that I kind of used for a while.

[Lee Syat]

Oh yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And it was like I was with my stripper girlfriend all afternoon. We were in love, everything was going great. Then I ran out of dollar bills, something stupid like that. And it fucking stuck. And I used it for a while. But I'll never forget that somebody came up to me after that show and goes, do you want the tape? And I go, you taped that? I was. When I went to la, I had that tape pro on. I would give it to managers.

[Lee Syat]

Wow.

[Joey Diaz]

Because it was such a good stand up, eight minute set. It was a very good set, all improvised, but it was all based on anger. With a smile on my face because I don't give a fuck if somebody shoots you in the foot and you're going up there, you're mad. But the sell is how. It's not what you say, it's how you say it. What we discussed a lot. So that's the other side of the coin. And that takes experience. To go up there with a smiling face when you just got evicted and you got nowhere to sleep tonight. Tonight you got nowhere to sleep and I'm asking you to go on fucking stage. What do you think you can do that'll destroy a normal person?

[Lee Syat]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

A normal person will look at you and go, you got to be fucking kidding me. I just got thrown out of my house. It's eight o' clock at night, I got to go to sleep at ten.

[Lee Syat]

Where's the spot? Where's the spot where, like if I. I'm just trying to think about what I would do. Let's say we're in New York. Is it a bar show or is it a club?

[Joey Diaz]

Whatever you could stumble into. You're in a bad mood, you got to get out of the fucking house.

[Lee Syat]

Yeah. You don't have a house. You just got evicted.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, you got evicted. All right, so you're walking around the street with your luggage. Who's going to take you? The improv don't want to see you. Gotham don't want to see you. But Mel's Irish Pub on 12th Avenue will see you.

[Lee Syat]

Oh, I thought you had a book spot. You were trying to decide if you Wanted to cancel or not. You're talking about just walking in?

[Joey Diaz]

No. That night I walked in because I had nowhere to go. And they asked me to go on stage. And I learned a very important lesson. But that lesson came for six months of living in Boulder. And I would have to give my daughter back at six and face to both of those motherfuckers. And they would, like, giggle at me and make fun of me. And I would have to get back in that car knowing that these motherfuckers are playing me and this shouldn't be happening. And I'd be so upset about that that I would start fucking crying in my little white fucking Datsun. And I would open the ashtray and there was a joint in there. And wherever she. As soon as the car pulled out, I would smoke that joint. I'd wipe my tears from my eyes and I'd take the hour drive to Denver. And nine out of 10, there was no cash in my pocket. I was going to Denver to fucking eat because it was that Mexican joint. And they gave you a free meal. Well, no, that was steakhouse 52. They gave you a free meal on Wednesday nights.

[Lee Syat]

So how many Wednesdays were you there?

[Joey Diaz]

Every Wednesday.

[Lee Syat]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And then Thursday night was Mexican night.

[Lee Syat]

El torito.

[Joey Diaz]

El Torito.

[Lee Syat]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And that food is God awful. It's like puke. And I would still go over there, but at that time it was Denver and they had a lot of Mexican food. So the Mexican food had to be good at El torito. But, you know, and I don't know how many times I went in there on a Wednesday night fucking or going on a Thursday knowing that the rent is due on Monday and you ain't got it. That's tough to be funny when the rent is due. And you ain't got it either. And that's all the lessons you learn early on as a broken comic. When all of a sudden, one day you get home, you're living with three guys. You get home and there's an eviction notice. Well, I've been giving Nick the rent since September. Well, guess what? Nick's got a coke habit. He hasn't paid the rent at all. That's comedy. That's stand up now. That's it. Nobody wants you. What are you gonna do? Stay with your girlfriend? She lives with eight girls herself. She's a fucking starving comic, too. So through all this pain and all this anguish and confusion, you gotta do stand up. When I came here in 93 and lived with George, and we were both going through our Thing I didn't know what I was doing and I couldn't handle the standup because of everything I was going through. The addiction, the struggling, the not enough money, the shit that was going on with my ex wife. It was too much for me. And I went to Denver and I narrowed the drama down and then I could do standup. But at that time in 93, that was too much for me. My addiction was uncontrollable. I'd be headed over to the city and all of a sudden I'd bump into somebody. Where you headed? Into the city. Come on, I'll give you a ride. I'm headed to Upper west side to get some cocaine. Well, we got to make a stop, right? Yeah, well, guess what, you're just taking me to the devil's house. I'm not going to make my comedy run or you're gonna give me the cocaine and I gotta put it in my upper pocket, right? That's even worse than doing. Fucking doing comedy with. And then you get there and Your spot's at 11:30, it's 8:45, you got a gram of blow in your pocket and it's burning a hole in that motherfucker. Burning a hole in there.

[Lee Syat]

What do you. And you never did it.

[Joey Diaz]

You said, no, I wouldn't do it. But then sometimes I just go, I'm out.

[Lee Syat]

And just not do your set?

[Joey Diaz]

No, I'm going home, I'm doing some coke, I can't take it no more.

[Lee Syat]

What time Was this? Like 9:15. Like how long would you last?

[Joey Diaz]

9:00', clock.

[Lee Syat]

9 and 15 minutes.

[Joey Diaz]

As long as I had coke in my pocket, the night was done. Why are we doing this? Why is she here if she ain't cooking, right? You know what I'm saying? If she ain't cooking, why is she here?

[Lee Syat]

That's so crazy. But it's wild because with comedy I just don't listen.

[Joey Diaz]

You're eliminating all the shit that gets in your way, right? You were about to say something to me when you came in. We had a really good time the other night at one of those bucket shows.

[Lee Syat]

Oh yeah, that was fantastic dojo.

[Joey Diaz]

It was fucking a phenomenal night. Everybody did great. We're doing another one on the 28th of August. It's a Thursday night and it was a great time. And what happened that night was it was a bucket show. It wasn't stand up, really. It was a development night. And whatever. It was stand up, but it was stand up. But my daughter, I go, you're gonna go up and she goes, yeah, I'm gonna go up. And then I brought her up and she went up and did it.

[Lee Syat]

That's fantastic.

[Joey Diaz]

The next day, I got a thousand messages from people. You know, people from Colorado, from California called me that new Mercy when she was little. And they were like, dog that picture. Blah, blah, blah. And I told them all the same thing. I go, I don't want to do stand up comedy. Not at all. Not at all. I know what I went through for stand up comedy. It's on a pretty fucking road. And it's tougher for a woman. I go, I'm just happy that she had no fear.

[Lee Syat]

Right?

[Joey Diaz]

That's it. That was no fear zone. That is one of the scariest things in the world, public speaking. People would rather jump off a fucking building than go in front of 10 people and speak.

[Lee Syat]

Like, there's been comics who you've offered spots to who turned it down.

[Joey Diaz]

No, people cannot. A lot of people do. Not like public actors, not comics. Actors that came into the store and I was hosting, and I go, you want to do 10 minutes? And they look at me like, are you crazy? That's crazy. That's crazy. People. You have TV on sets all the time. Tom Cruise, that's who one of the conversations was one night, and he just couldn't do it. That does his own stunt. When asked him if you want to go on stage for five minutes, he looks at me like I asked him to him in the ass in a Scientology meeting.

[Lee Syat]

Oh, my God. It is a complete different thing.

[Joey Diaz]

It's a different animal.

[Lee Syat]

Like, were you.

[Joey Diaz]

Were you.

[Lee Syat]

When you asked her, what did you think she was gonna say?

[Joey Diaz]

No.

[Lee Syat]

And she didn't hesitate.

[Joey Diaz]

Well, I saw those pictures from njpac and I saw how bad she wanted to go out there.

[Lee Syat]

Oh, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

I could see her energy that night. That she was just a fucking. A push away from going, come on out here, Mercy.

[Lee Syat]

Oh, yeah. She would have ran out there.

[Joey Diaz]

She would have ran out there. Not ran. She would have walked out and done whatever goofy shit she does. But I don't give a fuck, because I just want to eliminate. I had no fear. Cause I thought about it that night. I'm like, when did I. I go sixth grade on Fridays, I used to go up in front of the class and sing. Sing lip sync to Frankie Valli. My eyes adored you. Okay? That's how my comedy career started, by singing on Fridays in front of a fucking. And I was ugly, but I would think I was a crooner. And I would go over to the girls and sing, like, real close, like my eyes. And they go, go away, go away, go away, tubby, go away.

[Lee Syat]

So, like, what did it feel like to see? Because you were on stage with her.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. Well, she took the fucking note out and it said rim job. And I started laughing. She looked at me, she goes, I don't even know what that means. That was classic. That was. You know, that's comedy. She don't know what that means. Right. I thought she knew, but she didn't. On the way home, I kept asking her, you know what a rim job is? She's like, no. I go, okay. It's when the guy goes.

[Lee Syat]

Oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

And she goes, I never thought about that, Dad. I go, yeah, that's a rib job. That's what I told her on the way home. But, you know, she's 12. I can't shock her system. That's a complete shock.

[Lee Syat]

To be fair, we did.

[Joey Diaz]

What am I saying? It's okay for me to suck your pussy, but not talk about your kids. And she listened to that. And when she went on stage that night, she said, the dad says something to me sometimes, like, I suck that lady's dick and shit. So she could deal with that. But eating assholes at 12, that'll break her system. That's when you stop eating Girl Scout cookies. That's when it's over for you. So I gotta keep it on the whole. On the down low till she's 15 or 16, I think.

[Lee Syat]

She was in there the whole time. She loved it. She was in there.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, man, I just. That's how I felt. It wasn't about stand up. We were just talking, having a conversation tonight about people who sneak their kids in. What's that called? When we were talking about Jennifer Aniston. Nepotism.

[Lee Syat]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't want to be accused of that, you know, that's why I'm happy she plays softball, because I never played softball. Baseball in my life. So when I walk there, I don't know nothing. You know? I don't know nothing about nothing.

[Lee Syat]

Right. But a people are going to accuse you of that no matter what. That's a something people love to shout on the Internet. That doesn't really mean if that's. That's the whole point of having. I don't get that. Like, if you had a kid and you could help them get a job anywhere, you wouldn't do it.

[Joey Diaz]

No.

[Lee Syat]

If it ever comes to it, you're not an ass.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm not doing the child any favors. How many Times. Have you worked somewhere, any of you? And the boss hires his kid and all of a sudden he's making $2 more than you. How much damage does it cause? In the company? How much damage does it cause?

[Lee Syat]

Well, that sucks.

[Joey Diaz]

Employees start chitter chatting, loyalty breaks. No, if your kid comes to work for you, you tell him at the dinner table, here it is. You know that room where they shovel the shit? Don't come out of there for a year. You can't. As my son, I'm telling you, if you want this job and get along with people, usually 90 days, I'm gonna leave you in there for a fucking year to smell that every day. So when I do promote you, I don't have any fucking problems, right? I could always go, fuck you. He's my son, he's never been late. And I had him in there for a year to really pay his dues. It's usually 120 days. And you make the union in most warehouses, or I'm just assuming, but that's my rule. Because you're really not doing a child any fucking favors, right?

[Lee Syat]

You don't want to do a favor like that. But even, let's just say George owned a business and your kid and Mercy wanted to go work there. You'd be like, hey, George, you're hiring?

[Joey Diaz]

Yes.

[Lee Syat]

Can you help?

[Joey Diaz]

But I'm not going to tell George, George, you got to pay $28. No, because this is what she needs, George, entry level position. You're grabbing a broom, you're cleaning a bathroom that builds carriage.

[Lee Syat]

And that's fine.

[Joey Diaz]

That lets me know whether. When you tell an employee the first day to clean the bathroom and you give them that, they'll know if they're going to stay or not, right? You got about 48 hours. Because that'll break your system down. Everybody wants to be a star. Everybody wants to be on top. Everybody wants to get there and earn. But no, today we're cleaning a fucking bathroom. They're soft. So from me, knowing life experience, if I'm still around when she's 18, like, I've already spoken to restaurants in my area and said, hey, next summer she's in here. Saturdays, you know, teach them what it is to take a Saturday from you.

[Lee Syat]

Right?

[Joey Diaz]

Okay. To take a Saturday on a Friday night. You know, one of the girls that I respect the Most in Marlboro, New Jersey is a 19 year old girl that I have watched that girl grow since she's 14. She's not just a regular girl, she's a beautiful girl. Her and her sister are beautiful. Me and my wife and my daughter would go to a pizza parlor, which I took you guys to. I think you met the girl. And I used to go in there on Fridays when I first moved here with a bunch of parents. And I would go, why is that girl here on a Friday night? 16, you know, 15. Then she turned 16. And then me and my wife would talk to her and then she says, I'm saving up for a car, you know, and then after she got the car and she's like, do you want to see it? And I'll never forget we went out there and it was a broken down jalopy. But I was so happy for her because I know what she went through.

[Lee Syat]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And then she's like, now I'm saving up for fucking college. She wanted to go to temple, but she was $13,000 short to go to temple. When she told me that, it broke my fucking heart. Her parents don't have the money, but that bitch was there every Friday and Saturday night. She could have been jumping up and down, she could have been on that. Only fans. She could have hooked up with a fucking 40 year old old guy. That girl could have done anything she wanted to. But no, she worked in a pizza parlor, now she works at TD Bank. And she's, you know, good for her, making good money and stuff. And she's going to school at whatever that local college that's really cheap. Brook. Brookdale, whatever the fuck it is. But dog, that to me is a classy woman. You're not going to have any problems with that girl if you hire her in 10 years. She did the work, she did the groundwork. I want the same for my daughter, man. You know, you just kind of work a pizza place, work the counter, you're going to take calls, something kids don't know how to do. You're going to learn how to exchange money. Another thing these idiots don't know how to do, they look at the fucking thing. You know, you go to a restaurant now, 10, 32, you give them $10 and 32 cents. So $11 and you give them 32 cents. The computer fizzles out, it's over. I mean, these are things, you know, and I tell people in business all the time, you, you're confusing the consumer. Had a conversation with a good friend of mine the other night. Listen, the comedy club, this is why you're confusing the consumer. You have to assume they're fucking. Not even stupid. You got to assume they're retarded as A matter of fact, I know. And I'm not being a Tom Segura or Bert Rice and calling them the poors. I'm not calling anybody stupid. I'm just going to give you a.

[Lee Syat]

You're calling them retarded.

[Joey Diaz]

No, I'm giving you an example. I could put a link up for my book right to Amazon and people will hit me three days later and go, I went on Amazon but bought this book instead. How many times do I put a link up for tickets to a comedy club where you can't even bounce the ticket price? I'll put ticket prices on there. And people come in and go, I went on vivid and bought $120. Well, I put the link out for the fucking punchline or helium or wherever. So when people do that, when you actually walk them to the fence, give them the key and tell them what thing to pull and just go. All you gotta do is go, click, right? That's the link. I'm giving you the fucking link, right? All you gotta do is go, click. How did you end up buying a T shirt from Nick Askalise? How did this happen? How does this happen? You know, many times I've done a shitty club where I'm like, give me 20 bucks for tickets. And somebody afterward ago I paid $68 on what the fuck, are you retarded? I put the ticket link up.

[Lee Syat]

People don't check. They just Google Joey Diaz tickets and.

[Joey Diaz]

They go with the first thing up there.

[Lee Syat]

It's crazy. I mean, it's. How do people fall for, like, the scams?

[Joey Diaz]

And it breaks my heart because I thought I was dealing with a more, you know, people that knew. Click the fucking link. I'm not gonna fucking beat you and put you on a porn link or take you all the way to Europe to buy fucking goggles. I'm not gonna do that to you. Just click the link. And I see this on a daily fucking basis in life.

[Lee Syat]

You used to get so upset because people would, like, message you right as you were leaving the city. Like, when are you gonna come here?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, when are you coming to Memphis? Well, I'll tell you what, Go on my Twitter last week and they're looking, and then, oh, shit, you were just here. Yeah, look how long I've been talking about Memphis barbecue chicken cutlets, black people with veins in their eyes. I've been talking about Memphis for three fucking podcast episodes. And you're telling me now, when am I going to Memphis? Right? And then I figured out there's people that just do that. To bust your balls.

[Lee Syat]

Oh, really?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, they just do that to bust your balls. They see that you were just there and they're like, hey, why don't you tell me you were here? Fuck your mother. You knew I was there. I've been talking about it for three fucking weeks. Motherfucker.

[Lee Syat]

That's so funny.

[Joey Diaz]

Speaking of which kind of fucking crazy shit this weekend. One of those days. One week. One day. Saturday, I think I got up and I had a bunch of errands to run. Freehold Jackson up, fucking whatever. And I go, you know what? I'm one of those guys when you're out, you're out, you know, when you have like a long list and you already did five of them. I'll save the two of these for tomorrow. I go, fuck it. Let me just get this over. I got invited to a party. I go, let me buy fucking a cigar and buy myself one. I don't know what I'm doing. But I went to this cigar shop. I picked the one with the lightest cover on it so it don't kill me, right? And next to it, two doors down, there's a head shop in my neighborhood. I know they're small because I usually feed the cats back there, but I haven't seen the cats. First time in five years I haven't seen any of them. And I go back there and look, and I always feel guilty because there's a little porno, sucky, sucky house back there. A lot of people don't know there's a sucky, sucky house back there. It's turned off and it just says, open. And there's an ATM machine right there.

[Lee Syat]

You're kidding. There's a house with an ATM machine inside.

[Joey Diaz]

It's. Let me tell you something. I go to that CVS since I moved here, you know, with the cats. With the cats. I feed the cats there for years. Since day one. I started telling my wife, just buy the cat's food by the box. Because I was walking into CVS and buying them a cat, a cat food. And I was spending like $20 a week. I go, fuck this. Just go on Amazon and get me whatever the fuck. A big box, A box. And I put it in my car. And every night I go out there, bro, snow out the ass. These motherfuckers are out there hungry. And they're so beautiful because they actually come out. So when you walk into cvs, they're right there looking at you. And some people, like, give them the finger. And I'm like, how Dare you buy them a can of food. And I come out and I open it and they stay right there. They don't run away. I won't touch them because they're feral and there's rabies going around and I don't want a phone from the fucking mouth when I'm eating somebody's asshole.

[Lee Syat]

So is that how it gets activated? Why would he be finding out then?

[Joey Diaz]

Because if the fucking cat scratches you get rabies. Who knows? Listen, I watched New Jersey 12 last week. There was a skunk that bit some fucking dog and he had rabies. I know you've all seen it in Middletown. So Middletown is up and you know, you know, let's not worry about ice. There's a fucking, there's a skunk with fucking, you know, rabies. So what are we talking about?

[Lee Syat]

Who knows who?

[Joey Diaz]

The feral cats feeding the cats are.

[Lee Syat]

On the saki Saki house.

[Joey Diaz]

But I also go over there to get, you know, nicotine gum from time to time. And I rubbing alcohol to my pipes and you know, I get everything there. That's my cvs. So one night I go in there and as I'm coming out, there's a bunch of young kids, like not young kids, like 19, 20. And they're high fiving each other, giggling, and they're opening the boxes of condoms and taking the loose condoms out. And when they saw me like, uncle Joey, what up? And I'm like, oh, these fucking savages. So I go over and I'm like, where are you guys going? They're like, we're going to get our dicks up right around the back of the building. There's a sucky, sucky house right there at cvs. Right there on that corner. There's a sucky, sucky house in my hometown.

[Lee Syat]

There's going to be some people really upset that you're telling all the people about their favorite.

[Joey Diaz]

I better get 10% from those dirty hookers.

[Lee Syat]

I think they're going to shut down.

[Joey Diaz]

I've never been in there. I don't know who runs it. I don't know if it's Russians. I don't know who runs it. I don't know what they do. I don't even know how they get away with it. I've never actually met somebody who's been there. Except for these kids that night that were saying, yeah, we go there on Friday nights, $300, they do everything but doggos.

[Lee Syat]

Have you ever seen them since?

[Joey Diaz]

Who? The kids.

[Lee Syat]

Those kids? Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

No.

[Lee Syat]

Oh no.

[Joey Diaz]

Maybe they're missing. Maybe the skunk got him. Or the. So I was like, there's a sucky sucky house back there. And they're like, yeah, I think they double as a massage, like. But no signs. So when I would go back there to feed the cat, I looked back there when I'm like, that is a sucky sucky house, dog. You'll never find it. You'll never find it. It's in between buildings. There's a fucking drive through bank. It's right next to the drive through bank.

[Lee Syat]

You run the whole operation out. You're like, there's six women inside, maybe seven.

[Joey Diaz]

So what? They're there. Listen, they just move. Listen. If you have a good sucky sucky house moves around every six weeks, one of those chicks gets a hiv. They get something like a fucking type of COVID in their pussy, and they get shut down by the health department. Or some cop comes in.

[Lee Syat]

Covid in the pussy is outrageous.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm dead serious. Those sucky sucky houses. So anyway, we're talking about that fucking strip mall cocksucker. How do we end up with the sucky suckies?

[Lee Syat]

I have no idea. I'm sorry. You're looking for a cigar.

[Joey Diaz]

So I go to the cigar shop first, and then it's like, you know what? I might as well go in here, get some papers, a pipe, whatever. And I go in there and the kid's like, hey, you come in here from time to time. Do you know anything about these new things? And I'm old school, you know, And I'm like, what are you talking about? First off, they have a whole section of weed at these places. I'm talking a fucking wall of every weed we grew up with name. And I'm like, that's weed. And he goes, no, no, no, no. It's nine days before the weed grows. You take a chemical out. Nick, what do you know about this?

[Lee Syat]

Yeah, Delta 9.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't know. He was saying something else. It's before Delta 9. It looked like weed, THC. Listen, I ain't smoking. Huh? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. This. He says it gets you fucked up. But the idiot also told me that if I took him, he had mushroom pills. That if you take. He's like, man, I'll give you one, but don't promise you only take a half. I took one. It was scary. So I wake up on the Lord's day. I go to Jiu Jitsu. I go, let me see what these pills are all about. He gave me two of them.

[Lee Syat]

Jesus, Joe.

[Joey Diaz]

I Ate like three quarters of it. I fucking went. Nothing happened. I went home, I ate the other quarter. Nothing happened. Then he had one more. I popped the whole fucking thing. I didn't even need it in quarters. I was in bed at 10 o' clock last night. Didn't do a fucking thing to me. I didn't giggle, nothing. And he gave me a lollipop. He's like, oh. But I said to him, I go, dog, I got two of those things in the car. I had two of those 500 milligram things. I go, let me give you one of these and see if you're real. He's like, I don't think I can handle that. That's not for me. So I knew he was fake. So he wasn't fake.

[Lee Syat]

He just has a tolerance.

[Joey Diaz]

What tolerance? He gave me fucking sucky, sucky everything. He was 0 and 3. No wonder his weed store was next to the sucky sucky house. Because he was 0 for 3. Everything was sucky, sucky.

[Lee Syat]

Oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

Everything sucked, okay? And I knew better. I've been down the street already. Everybody thinks they're a scientist. And these fucking new kids today don't have the heart just to do heroin. They just don't have the heart to fucking get a syringe and pop that motherfucker and listen to some Black Sabbath. They just don't. They're pussies. So what do they do? They buy like a half a fat vapor pen that's got like a tenth of heroin. Oh, my God, My toothache doesn't work anymore. You know, it's like I said, it's like a white chick that wants to fight a black dude the first time. She's. She'll a dude that's mixed just to see how the smell is and everything. And if it passes, the next time she jumps on a full yam, you know what I'm saying? We all, we all know the deal, how it starts. That's how it is. They always like a mixed, right? You ever see that? When chicks are confused, they'll fuck like a mixed Arab. Like he's half white, half isis, you know what I'm saying? Just, just.

[Lee Syat]

I like how you notice it.

[Joey Diaz]

I like how I notice all that shit. That's what I do. I got cops eyes. I keep my eye on that shit.

[Lee Syat]

But are these like, people you know, are just people you see and you've, like, made up stories for their lives?

[Joey Diaz]

I'm an observer. I'm a fucking observer. I sit, I make believe I'm Doing something. But I'm really listening to those two idiots in the corner and what they're saying. I'm about eight minutes from stabbing them both in the fucking arm.

[Lee Syat]

And they have no idea. They're just talking about something at a concert.

[Joey Diaz]

They got no idea. I'm just giving them rope every minute. Here, take six more inches. You're gonna end up like that Pontecorvo on the Sopranos when he hung himself in the garage. I just wait for these fucking guys. I swear to God.

[Lee Syat]

I know, I know. You love people. That's amazing that you're giving people rope and they don't even know.

[Joey Diaz]

They're like, nah, I give them all a rope. Here, take this rope. You're gonna hang yourself eventually. It might be today, it might be tomorrow.

[Lee Syat]

Holy shit.

[Joey Diaz]

I see it. Listen, let me tell you what happened Friday night. So Friday night, my wife and my daughter breaking on me about 4 o' clock that they're going to see someone play. Now, I go with them as a family. But where they're going, they give you wooden seats and you gotta eat. Like it's like a community center. I'm not doing that. And they're kids and they're fucking kids. I don't wanna go there. And then one kid recognizes me. It's like a standup. I would never go. I don't wanna not support you, Lee, but I don't wanna go to walk in a club with you. And then they're like, joey's here. And then fuck Lee. We're gonna see Lee, right? I already know. That's why I don't go see anybody. I will never be on here if I'm not going behind with you to hide because it's your show. It's not my show. You following me? So if I go to your show, I'm gonna distract him. Joey's here. He might go up. Listen to what Lee's got to say. Same thing with kids. That's why I don't make a big deal at the softball games. Not about me, at the. So people love for me to get up and go, $20 for the next hit. Ha ha ha ha. And act like Melon in a fucking in back to school. You know what I'm saying? I don't wanna do that. That's not who I am. I'm not gonna go there with glasses. And that's my daughter. Ha ha ha ha. That's what people expect you to act. So you don't act like that. Then they don't know where the Fuck to go, right?

[Lee Syat]

Is that what you think people expect of you?

[Joey Diaz]

Think about it. If you could go to a game and say what you want and have a circle of people around you and be cute and hold court, who wouldn't want to do that except to miss their fucking kids and what their kids doing. When you go to a thing in LA where we came from, you think anybody goes to see their own kids do anything? They don't. Lee, you're having a party on Saturday? I'll let you know Friday because my mother in law's coming to town. What they know is my wife spoke to George's wife and she said that Joe Rogan might go to their barbecue on Saturday. So I'm not gonna answer your barbecue because I know Joe Rogan and Trini Lopez and the writer from Empire, they're all gonna be at his house, but Nick's having a barbecue and the head of Fox is gonna be at Nick's house. So I gotta hold out to see who's got the best guest list. Would you like to live your. You ever go to anything in la?

[Lee Syat]

No.

[Joey Diaz]

Everything in LA is based around who's gonna be at your party. So if, God forbid, Nick's not gonna bring a script, I accidentally have my script. It's in the car. Really? It's a Sunday, you have your script in the car, I'm here eating barbecue, looking at women in bikinis and you want to talk to me about a script? But that's how people are. That's how people are. And the kids. 0 the kids are a prop to get them in there, just to get in the schools. I swear to my mother's. I swear to my mother's grave, those kids are a prop to get them into those meetings because all those kids have a nanny. That's the only way they'll fit into that circle. God forbid they don't have a nanny to tell their friends they have a nanny. That's the only way you'll accept me is if I have a nanny also. So we could talk about the nannies. My nanny's from Bolivia. Oh, my God, her uncle sells me coke. No, but you know what I'm saying. Everything they do, there's people who have kids and they're supposed to go where my daughter went to school, but they go to Carpenter down the road on the other side of Ventura Boulevard. Why? Because that's where all the writers and all their kids go to their Christmas party is at CBS Radford.

[Lee Syat]

Jeez.

[Joey Diaz]

Okay, so anybody who wants to be Cool. And be in the in crowd. They go to that school instead. When you want to be a normal parent, which ain't much, even in the school I took my daughter to, that's where you go. They have a lot of writers there, too. And the girl from. What's the girl? Lisa Loeb. And the head writer from. Whatever. There's a lot of people, kids that went to that school, but not like Carpenter. Carpenter is the alligator, the hunter that died. People. That's where their kids go. And that's where you take your kid if you don't love him. Because that's where you take your kid if you don't love him.

[Lee Syat]

Kids are just using them.

[Joey Diaz]

They're just a fucking prop. My kid's not a prop. And my girl's softball games are about her. They're never about me. If I could wear a beard and a disguise to those games, I would. I would. Because they're not about me. And that's today. I went to breakfast with my wife. This woman could only been Russian. I got nothing against Russian women or Russian people. She had a leopard suit on from head to toe. The tight one shouldn't have had a leopard suit on. It should have been more like a bear or a fucking gorilla, right? She had feet uglier than mine with sandals on. Her hair had not been done. Her face was full of Botox. And she had those glasses on. And she didn't want to sit at the table, so she stood on the other side of the counter. So everybody had to see her just.

[Lee Syat]

Randomly and start talking to her so.

[Joey Diaz]

Everybody just could see her so she could be seen. Normal people don't do that. They sit at a fucking table and they don't have a leopard suit to go to a turning point with fucking $200 slandles on. But there's people that. That's what their priority is, to be seen. I don't wanna. Why go get a haircut. Every time I walk in there, there's a goofy motherfucker that goes, hey, Joey. I don't even pay attention. I don't even look at him. Until I finally told the owner. Can you tell that moron to stop saying Joey when I walk in here, please? I don't want nobody to know. Why are you telling them?

[Lee Syat]

Right?

[Joey Diaz]

Don't say a fucking word. Don't say a fucking word. Just look at me and nod.

[Lee Syat]

Is it. Has it like, I guess, damaged your life? Like, do you feel like you can't go. Do you feel like you can't go.

[Joey Diaz]

Places now, no, I go wherever the fuck I want. But, you know, I go. I don't go for the purposes that you think I would go, like. Do you know what I mean? Like, I'm over all that shit. Like, I was over it when I lived in la, so I'm over all that shit. The last thing I want to see are those people, right? The last thing I want to see are those type of people. I fucking. It took me 23 years to get away from them. I'm gonna go back and dilly dally with those Tyler people, which are basically just liberals, you know, they're just people who are just, like. They agree to everything, and all their decisions are based around what people are gonna think about.

[Lee Syat]

That's it. Yeah, I think there's a lot of people.

[Joey Diaz]

And you could tell when somebody opens their mouth if they're really sincere about it or if they just. In Hollywood, people just say shit. Are they really? Does Pedro Pascal really give a fuck about LGBTQ rights? Or is he saying that so you know why? So you could fit into a certain gap that's my own. Listen, for years, I always talked about California, and I shouldn't have spoken about California. It was Hollywood and the lifestyle where I lived. And I'm very sorry. I need to apart. It wasn't California and it wasn't Orange county or whatever county I lived in. It was that world. And we have those worlds now in normal cities. Everybody thinks there's a fucking celebrity. Well, let me go up to Montauk and play handball. You're from fucking Jersey. Let me stab you in the fucking eyeball. Do you know what I'm saying? I'm from North Bergen, New Jersey. Nobody did nothing. All of a sudden, I. I see kids I grew up with, we're playing golf today. They know I want to fucking shoot them. Because I know the reason you're playing golf. There's no enjoyment for you. If it was enjoyment, you just play with three fucking idiots. Enjoyment is getting three of your North Bergen friends that don't play golf. Us four idiots smoke a big bag of weed. Give weed. Give a bag of edibles to him, and he's the driver of the golf cart. So we end up like Adam Sandler and fucking Happy Gilmore, too. That's fun with your friends. Not me at a golf course. I'm playing at Trump Plaza, you know, with three fucking jerk offs holding a beer. No, you're playing golf for all the wrong reasons, Right? I want you to do things for the right fucking reasons.

[Lee Syat]

Right?

[Joey Diaz]

You know I want you to do things, you know? Why can't. You're getting drunk. Why can't you just get drunk? We're going to Luigi's, you know, to get drunk. We'll go to the Surfside Bar on Palisade Boulevard. You might as well get herpes while you get drunk. Right or wrong, it's. It's so weird what we do and we don't even know what we're doing. It's like I was talking to beautiful Nick Matthew number one. Every week I see pictures from down the shore. Oh, my God.

[Lee Syat]

What? What's that?

[Joey Diaz]

It's just. I've never seen anything like that. I've never seen anything like that.

[Lee Syat]

What are they doing?

[Joey Diaz]

It's hot. Fucking women. Fake asses. Fake tits. You know, Some of them are pigs. Some of them are really decent. They don't know what they. Some of them are just fucking pigs that get fucking dick every weekend. And by August 9th, their hole is just leaking. You can see in the pictures that it's like a fucking walrus. They're fucking. Oh. By this week, you start to see the beginning pictures and you can see the pussy starting to come out from the inside. It's August now. Yeah, they've been getting dicked. They got dicked three different weekends from three different guys. They don't know who they're in love with yet, you know, but Vinnie the DJ will be there, you know. Oh, my God. And it's like these chicks, they just stand there by the table, and then there's these guys with buckets and they just stand there. And then you have a whole section of guys with backwards hat and steroids and a VIP section and they're all on top of each other and they're all like, boom, boom, boom. And that's all they do. Nobody's fucking. Nobody's sucking. Boom, boom, boom. Nobody's snorting coke. Nobody's eating ecstasy. And none of those guys, like, none of those guys are in danger, right? Half of them have giant tattoos. Boom, boom, boom. Jet tattoos. They're getting ready for football season, but it's August 8th. By this weekend, those pussies now is in the Labor Department. Not the Labor Department, the health department in all those cities sees an increase in fucking ticks tax. Fucking herbs. Fucking.

[Lee Syat]

Oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, yeah. Some girls don't even make the summer. That pussy taps out by like the 15th. Oh, no, they just tap out. They go, we're not even going back. We don't want our deposit. We don't want nothing. We ended up pregnant and I don't know who the father is. The kid came out with an Arab hat on and a fucking and an empanada. We don't know what happened. He could be Dominican, he could be Arab, but we could be both. It's a nightmare. But the show is. We went to this beach and we. When we. If we took pictures, we were at somebody's. We rented a house and all your friends were there and then you invited a bunch of freaks and people were fucking, the bedrooms were on fire, you know, somebody's father was there. Has anybody seen my daughter? That's when you know you're at a good party when a dad's there with a picture and shit of their daughter. She's been missing for two days.

[Lee Syat]

And you just saw her. And you just saw her.

[Joey Diaz]

What's that?

[Lee Syat]

The girl he was looking for.

[Joey Diaz]

What's that like?

[Lee Syat]

Have you just seen her? Oh, no.

[Joey Diaz]

I'll tell the dad the truth. If somebody comes to me as a kid and my daughter's missing, but when somebody shows up at your party and says, have you seen my daughter with a picture of her with Catholic books, and you're like, she ain't Catholic no more. We'll be right back after this word from Bluechew. Uncle Joe here to talk to you about Bluechew. Listen, you've already got the pipes. Blue Chew's here to make sure the water's gushing, you know what I'm saying? Blue Chew is an OG brand offering chewable tablets for better sex. If you're thinking of slinging dick, Blue Chew is the way to go. It helps men have stronger, harder and longer lasting erections. The type that you could bring break a fucking table with. Or you could nail in a picture, you know what I'm saying? So you could crush it in the bedroom. Me, I like Blue Chew. One pill and within fucking 10 minutes ba boom, your victim is bagged. It's all over. People all over tapping out and shit. You can take a tablet anytime, day and night. So you always be ready to spring into action when that victim pops up. And we got a special deal for our listeners. As always, you get your first month for free. What? Joey. What? Blue Chew. Free first month. Just pressing code. Joey J O E Y at checkout and pay five bucks for shipping. I'm going to rock your world. You're going to get a package. The mailman don't even know what it is. Nobody will know what it is. Join Bluechew's mission to upgrade humanity. One Thrust at a time by slinging dick. You know what I'm saying? Anyway, head to bluechew.com for details and safety info. And big thanks for BlueChew for always sponsoring the podcast and having our back. I love you, bluechew. We're back, Jack. What's up, papa? Your eyes are looking tremendous. Like one of those black dudes in Memphis. They're all red with that vein in the middle. I like it.

[Lee Syat]

Oh, my God. It's gotten to the point where people just say whenever they see me, I look high. Even if I have. If I even. I'm not. My eyes are just constantly high.

[Joey Diaz]

Now you were talking about, I like the fire. And I could see it coming. Friday night, my daughter went to a play with my wife. I'm like, what am I going to do now? Some days my mouth bothers me more than others. I don't know till I get there. Tonight you brought a tremendous sandwich and I was having a hard time. Like, I'm like a Chinese chick sucking a black dick. My mouth just don't open that big. You know what I'm saying? You ever see a skinny chick with a skinny Chinese chick with a Black dude that's 6 foot 8, and you're like, how does she get her dick, her mouth around that dick? It's not. Mathematically. She has to borrow a cousin or something like that, right? So it hurts. So. So I'm like, what the fuck? I gotta figure out what I wanna eat. And I was gonna go to my restaurant, my man Osteria, and get Steve to make me a shrimp risotto, but to cut up the shrimp, you know? But when I got there, guys, I got something that you guys are gonna have to make the trek down, you have to make. Cause I know he makes it, and I know it's on the menu of his new restaurant. I go, steve, any chances you can make me Italian fried rice?

[Lee Syat]

What the fuck is that?

[Joey Diaz]

Exactly. He makes Italian fried rice. He makes fried rice with risotto. Italian risotto with shrimp and lobster, dog. It tastes like fried rice. From Billy Hung's 1982. I think Billy Hungs closed in 90. Maybe. See, when Billy Hung's closed, something like a porn star. Billy Hung, New York City. See, when it closed, this was old New York class, guys. You hear it from your uncle Joey.

[Lee Syat]

Hung. No, Hung.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, Hung. H U N G S. Billy Hung. Like a Chinese guy with a big dick in porno. Billy Hung. That's his fucking name. Closed. Yeah, see, Hung Hung with it. Well, maybe it Is Billy Hung. Take a look at that. Because people spell it differently. And okay, see what it says about it.

[Lee Syat]

Exceptional old fashioned fried rice with chunks of shrimp, pork and lobster sauce.

[Joey Diaz]

Guys, you have no idea. And you know why else? And I'll tell you about another. My father's picture was on the wall. My real father.

[Lee Syat]

Really?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. Like they had like fucking people on the wall and they had a picture of my father in law with a suit on walking out of a hotel room with a hat on and shit. Circa 1955 or something. He had been going there since he was a kid when he came from Cuba. So I always went there in 1985. They had a $33 lobster egg roll. They built an egg roll. They got a lobster tail, cut the shell off and they built an egg roll around the lobster tail. Nobody had egg.

[Lee Syat]

$100 egg roll now, right?

[Joey Diaz]

It'd be a hundred dollars. But Billy Hung. That's where gangsters went. Sinatra, Joe Namath, all the Knicks. That was it. Like towards 85. They didn't even talk about Billy Hung. Cause you couldn't get in there. You didn't even talk about Billy Hung. Cause you couldn't get in there. It was like. That's like an afterthought. Like Billy Hung only hung out with fucking gangsters. You know, I forget where it was, but I still remember the inside of that place. You know what it reminded me of, Lee? When you walk into the Comedy Store from the front, when you walk up those little steps with those little pictures on both sides, that's what it was. Then you broke out. And they had a big thing and they had circle tables and even the boots were circular. That's all I remember about that restaurant. But my mom used to go there three times a week to get soup when I was young.

[Lee Syat]

Oh, it's that one. Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

No, it's not the one where she stabbed the Chinese guy. Okay, that was one on 86th street and Broadway. That was. That was by the house.

[Lee Syat]

That's crazy.

[Joey Diaz]

So I went to this fucking restaurant, Osteria, and I asked the owner, Steve, the place was packed. Packed bar back. I thought, I go, steve, where do I eat? Do you want me to go in the bocce ball court? And all of a sudden the chair opened up at the bar. And when I sat down, a girl tapped my shoulder and it's my buddy Gabby. I go, I didn't even see you. And we start talking at work. She goes, did you go to the doctor this week? I thought I saw your car out There because she works in the doctor's office with my ear next door. She works for people with skin and plastic surgery. I do fake titties and shit in there. So she goes, were you there this week? No. We got to talking, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then people, she knows people there, so she was talking to different people. Then she got a chair next to me and we're talking, but she knew the couple next to her, so she's talking to them. I'm eating my food. The fucking fried rice came. I didn't talk to nobody. Do you understand? I didn't talk to nobody. I just. Because it was soft. Oh, it was perfect. The lobster tail just melted in your mouth with the shrimp. Soft, the whole thing. I'm eating, I'm eating, I'm eating. And then some girl comes up and goes, hey, how you doing? Do you remember me? I'm like, oh shit, yeah. It was an older woman. And she goes, you were here one night with your daughter and you told me to get the hamburger boy, did you fucking hook me up. And told me about her husband. He's been dead for 12 years. You know the whole fucking story. At a bar, Friday afternoon at 6:30. This just comes out, huh?

[Lee Syat]

This just comes out?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, she just was telling, you know, I'm here tonight with my sister in law. And then I go, oh, you know, whatever. And she goes, no, my husband died. Poor bi. Whatever. And I go back to eating my food and another girl comes over, she's like, hey, do you remember me? And I'm like, hell yeah. She goes, I talked to you one night and I didn't know who you were till afterward. And I was heartbroken. I felt like an idiot. What do I care? But she was hammered. So she started bothering my friend. She wasn't bothering me, she was bothering my friend. Until my friend kept looking at me going. And I'm like, I don't know.

[Lee Syat]

Were you egging her on?

[Joey Diaz]

Not at all. Because I didn't want the conversation around me. The mushrooms were just starting to kick in, you know what I'm saying? I had eaten chocolate mushrooms that night before I left the house just for Friday. They get a little power under your wing. There's always got to be some type of training, Lee. That's why I got that evil draw. There's a lot of different things in that draw. I found two hits of acid the other night. I might bring that up next Monday. Anyway, so.

[Lee Syat]

It'S an evil draw.

[Joey Diaz]

So there's some people have an evil chair. I got an evil draw. So fucking. There's an owner of a different restaurant there that I go to get their salmon. I really enjoy their salmon. And I enjoy their mashed potatoes. And I enjoy their Italian spinach with big pieces of garlic in it. It's delicious. The only place I'll eat a fucking cup of garlic with the salmon. So I see him there and I go, hey, how you doing? And he's with some girl. So I don't know what's going on, right? I seen him with the woman before. Now I'm sitting here, the owner of that restaurants there with his girlfriend. Some other people, places packed. And it's my friend here. And this girl over here. Now, she starts talking loud, and I could tell she's drunk. And she's telling my friend that she was drinking at that bar. She's not allowed in there no more because she became friendly with the staff. And one night as she was leaving, she texted the owner to see if she could buy a bottle of wine to take back to her apartment. But the girlfriend saw the text and called her like a fucking animal. Don't text my husband or fiance. So she was pissed about that. I could feel it. I didn't egg her on, but she was getting hotter and hotter. Lee's looking at me like I said something bad, right? So, no, I didn't say a word, Lee. So I'm sitting there, and then the guy who's working on my bathroom came in. And he comes in with his wife. And I'm talking to them, and the chick is still going off on the other girl. And finally I look and the other girl's taking a drink and going away. She's like, this is not good. But her and the blonde are giving each other dirty looks. So I gotta play the hand down. Cause I'm a fucking animal, right? So I'm sitting there making believe I'm eating. I'm eating real slow. I'm eating like George. I'm telling stories about the history of lobster, the whole fucking thing. I'm George all of this time. His friend owned a lobster store and he made millions, but he sold it to the Indians. And, you know, George will tell you, that's how I just go, I'm going to be George right now. And I tell myself a George story. And I just sat there and took my time, and I took my time and I. Then she goes, let me get another Pinot Grigio. I'm like, okay, this is going the right direction, right? And dog, she must have downed it because I Went to the bathroom. When I came back, I heard her go, can I get another Pinot Grigio? Right? So now I sit, I'm not in my chair eight minutes, and the bartender comes over and he's like, listen, you fucking. You know, not to me. He's telling her, you're fucking. You're lit, man. You know, do we really need this Pinot Grigio? And she goes, well, I had a bad fucking night. And then he goes, I know the girl said something to me. She's gone now. And then this girl starts telling the bartender her story. But it's getting louder and louder. And at this leak, Come out of your coma, cocksucker. Don't cut the camera. Come out of your coma. I'm here. So it's getting louder and louder. She's getting hotter, and she's like, you don't know the fucking story. Why would you involve yourself in it? I didn't text him like that. He's fucking 65 years old. Why would I fuck him? I text him because I needed a bottle of wine. I wanted to pay. I had the money in my hand. I was right outside the fucking restaurant. But he needed help on a case and I helped him with it. And all of a sudden, like, she's going off on this guy and I'm loving it. I'm about to go give her a double, right? Because you know me. And she's getting louder and louder until people are looking. People are starting to look, Jack. So I fucking got up and I went right to the bathroom to make believe, like, I peed. And when I came out, she was storming out of the restaurant, dragging her jacket, fucking heel broke. It was only 8:30 at night. You know, I don't stay out late, dog. And that was two times last week. I saw women go off. I saw a different woman go off on bocce night. That was even better. It was classic because she went off with a lady who kept saying to me, I hear you're a comedian. I'm Jewish, my sister's a lesbian and I like black men. Write a joke about that. That's what she kept saying to me all night. Every time I'd see her, she'd go, did you write anything yet? Oh, my God, I'm Jewish, my sister's a lesbian, and I like black men. And I'm like, what the fuck? Yeah, this is bocce night, dog. She's about 65. She had fake tits made out of, like, concrete. Like, she got them made, like in 20, 20, like these things were made, they didn't even move. You could see how she'd move around slowly. Cause she destroyed her spine with these concrete titties. It's like the MO. Remember in the 60s the mafia would give you cement water boots and throw you in the Hudson. That's what happened with her. But she fucking.

[Lee Syat]

Were they hard too?

[Joey Diaz]

I don't know, I didn't feel them. But I could tell that they were a lot bigger than a woman her age, as tits were. And she was well preserved. But you could tell, you know, there's an age point that. Listen, come here. If I put a light on you and shot you with anti aging dick, you'd still be 68, you know what I'm saying? Like, knock it off. She wasn't trying to be anybody. She was very sweet, but she was just drunk. But she was egging another woman on about something. The girl got fired. I was just listening first. When I got there, I heard the conversation, I got my water, I went outside. Usually when you come back after a bocce game, those people are gone. Not that night. When I walked in, they were like an Indian. And the bartender just kept giving them gin. And I'm watching this shit go down again early. I'm watching this shit go down, man.

[Lee Syat]

And did you just sit there and watch?

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, I'm not watching. I'm making believe I'm watching the Yankee game. But I got my deaf earring focused on this here with everything I got. So if you fought on this side, I won't hear it. Cause everything I got is focused on you see it. And I'm just like. If you come up to me and go, hey, what's the score, huh? Get the fuck out of my face. I'm not even care about the Yankee game. You come up to me, I could see a home run happen and I wouldn't know. Cause all my focus is in the super old mania. And I'm listening to what, these two or three hags. There was like four of them telling the story. The woman, this, this. So finally I go, you know what? They start getting louder and louder. And one of the women is pretty intelligent. She goes, ladies, let's take this outside. So guess what happened? I paid my tab, and all of a sudden I got the sudden urge to smoke a joint. Right as I walk out, they're on the park bench getting lights for each other. But the one is arguing with the Jew. I go in my little fucking car, I put it on, I plug the phone in, I'm listening To the music. And I'm about to pull out and I hear the yelling start. And I just lower my window and make believe like I'm a fucking dead mute. Like I'm doing like 2 miles per fucking every 10 minutes. Like I'm going back slowly and they're yelling at each other. It's a woman's fault she got fired. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So the one girl goes, we have to end this. Let's go. And she pulls the three girls and they leave. The ugly Jew woman, the one who wanted me to tell her a joke about the lesbian, about the black boys.

[Lee Syat]

That you left her.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, she's just sitting out there at this point. She took her heels off and she's out there smoking cigarette after cigarette. I could call George or somebody. But the beauty is she took her heels off and she had those old women's stockings where they cover the toes. And you could tell the toes stink because they're that old. When you take those stockings off and you rub that, you smell that toe area. It's got so much. It smells like a dead body. So she's sitting there half drunk. Guys like this look. And she's like, you know, she's hot. And finally I pull up to her real slow. I lower my window. She looks at me, I go, you want some candy, little girl? And I just. And I just pulled off into the horizon. And she's like, fuck you. You never told me to joke about the Jew, the lesbian, and the woman who likes fucking black guys. I'm like, see, Lee, sometimes you have to create your own fun. I guess so you have to find fun wherever the fuck it is sometimes. And that's where it was Friday night, bro. Guys, I'm getting fucking old. Like, not old. I shouldn't talk negatively about myself, but like I said last week, I feel myself changing conversations I want to listen to. I'm watching a good show now. I'm getting so old. I'm even watching a weird series, Leanne. What it's about, it's about that comedian woman, Leanne, the big blonde woman from the South. I have always thought she's. Huh, Dean Smart.

[Lee Syat]

He's saying Jean, Leanne.

[Joey Diaz]

That show right there, Leanne Morgan. It's a pretty cute show. Nice little. Nice little cast. I'm up to like episode six, maybe.

[Lee Syat]

Seven out of 10.

[Joey Diaz]

What does it get seven out of 10? It's not an Academy Award winner, but at least it's got me, you know, I'm watching something different for a. And you know What? She's an older comic.

[Lee Syat]

It's her show.

[Joey Diaz]

It's her show. She's got a hell of a fucking tour. And I wish her nothing but the fucking best, man. I think she's a good looking woman. She's just older. But look what's happening to comedy. They're looking at older people. This gives me a little hope. Not to get a TV show, but that it's Chuck Lorre, you know, that guy's been around for a long time. So I wish her nothing but the best. You know, she's a Judy Brown chick. So this is just to let you know, Judy Brown is one of the best managers in the fucking business. Got her and Sebastian. And this is how it works. It just takes time and this is the payoff, you know?

[Lee Syat]

Do you like. How do you find out about these, like, shows by. With comics? Because you do that a lot. Like, you seem to, like, support when a comic puts something out.

[Joey Diaz]

I love when people say that they became a comedian, including myself, because, well, for me, it's more than anybody else because I am a convicted felon and I didn't think I could make it anywhere else. I never thought I'd see a TV show. I thought they always did background checks and shit. I guess not. You know, millions of dollars a year, and I don't even know who's on the set with me. So I always thought about it that way. But you always want something. I always wanted to reoccur on the show. I liked Nick DePaolo when he was on Brace Under Fire. He played a bartender. And I go, if I ever got something like that, I'd be the luckiest guy in the fucking world. You know, in those days, it was 10 out of 26 episodes. But those are 10 episodes that I didn't have to be on the week for on the road.

[Lee Syat]

Right?

[Joey Diaz]

That's how I looked at it. That was my Strategy. That that's 10 weeks to buy you time to get better material and, you know, so. But I have to be supportive of. I'm supportive of anybody who goes outside of the fucking box. Anybody who doesn't punch a clock every week. I'm support everybody who starts the fucking month at zero. How can you not support those people? That's life. Yeah. You went to college for seven years. You're an attorney. You make 400, 500,000 a year. That's also a big chance. But I'm not putting nothing mad because I believe in the working man also. But I also believe in Take a Chance, Columbus did take a fucking chance if you got a time. Listen, having a business isn't about owning a fucking boat on the weekends. It's about you created your freedom. You wanted life on your terms. I can never get mad at somebody who does this. The racket that we do, this fucking racket that people think like I'm special. No, you're not fucking special. This is a fucking racket. And at the end, it's like me going to Las Vegas and putting it Black number 8 or red number 24? I don't know. When I walk in that room, who's gonna like me? Who's not gonna like me? I'm hoping for all those women and for those three gay guys to go, oh, my God, we love him. Then you're gonna work till you're fucking 40. If you're 22 and you've seen it, you've seen people in front of you that have gotten huge spurts in acting careers or huge spurts in stand up. Cause it's different now. It's spurts. It's not longevity anymore. Like longevity. And I'm wrong, you have people like the. The chick from Silence of the Lambs. And you know the chick I was talking about earlier? Well, Jodie Foster, that girl started on fucking the Courtship of Betty's Father. Dawg. I watched that as a kid. She was my fucking age. You know, they've been in it all their lives. Dakota Fanning. I just watched her with fucking Men on Fire. Oh my God. She was a little girl. Now she's a goddamn woman. The other one that was on the terrorist show. They do this the way people are plumbers for 40 years. Claire Danes. Thank you, George. You're on the same page tonight. They have done this the way people go. I'm gonna become a fucking plumber. And then you're doing it for 10 years. Then you're doing it for 20 years. Next. You're doing it for 30 years. And you're considered a master fucking plumber. A master fucking plumber. A master electrician. A master carpenter. A master framer. George is a master framer. How many framers are out there right now, George. No. How many framers? How many people grow up and go, when I get old, I'm gonna be a fucking framer? 000. So I respect anybody who gets up one morning and goes, I'm not gonna punch a clock. I'm gonna borrow $500 from Uncle Joey. I'm gonna borrow $500 from Uncle Nicky. I'm gonna borrow $500from fucking Lee, and I'm gonna get a box and I'm gonna sell hot dogs out of there. I'd much rather fucking do that and take a chance on my own. And those are the guys that one minute they buy a box, then they pay you back, and they're buying a stand, then they're paying you back, and then they come to you. One day they go, we want you to lend me this to buy a fucking little thing. And next you know, that motherfucker's got three of them and he's buying you out for 10 million. You gave him fucking $300 when he was 16 years old. You know, those are the people that you respect that they're called what people who are crafty. Entrepreneurship. But there's a word for that. People who made it on their own. Crafty. Nobody gave it to them. They borrowed 10,000 from their father in law and they started making donuts. And now they're Krispy Kreme. I don't know if that's the fucking. I don't know if that's the history, but that's how it starts, right? What we do is a fucking nightmare, Lee. What we do for a living. When you sign up to be an actor, a comic, a dancer, a stripper, a boogaloo, fucking anything, it's a life of fucking uncertainty that takes years off your life not knowing. There's many people that are talented, but never said, you know what? I don't want to quit my day job because my girlfriend will. You're done. You're done. You're either all in or all out. And I'm not talking about you. I'm talking about there's people who don't believe in themselves, and that's why they'll never get to that place. And, and then there's people that you read about that you go, how the fuck did they do that? They did. Well, they're on your own. And dog, I support. Listen, I support everybody. But at the end of the day, somebody who tells the world to suck their dick, they're doing it on their terms. I ain't mad at that because it sounds familiar to me at one point, you gotta tell the world to suck your dick. You don't give a fuck if you have a felony. You don't give a fuck what you think. You don't give a fuck about your past. All you're worried about is your fucking future. And that's a painful fucking decision to make. Especially when you got no family, you got nobody. But now you're living for people who backed you and you go, you know what? These people who backed me over the years that fed me, I can't let them down. And when you put a value on your future like that, it really builds some type of clarity when you go, you know what? I'm going to stick with this till this happens. Because these people believed in me. And I can't. I got no. First of all, I got nowhere else to go. I can't sing and dance. I got missing teeth. I can't suck dick. There's no velocity in my suckness. You know, I'm just fucking around with you. But these are the things that push you forward. You know when you go, wow. I wake up every fucking month. And every month on. Every fucking month, on the first, I start at zero. Just like Joey, just like Lee, just like Nick, just like George. Some people get a check on the 5th. I don't get that check. I haven't gotten that check. 30 years on the 5th. Well, unemployment, when in between acting jobs. Yeah, but still, it's not. After a while, you look at those checks and you're like, these checks are nice, but this is not what I want. I could settle for 1800amonth. We all can. It's 900 every two weeks. When you're an actor in LA, probably went up now to 600 a week.

[Lee Syat]

Maybe, but it still doesn't get you much. But I know we are.

[Joey Diaz]

You know what I'm saying? You get comfortable with unemployment and go 1800amonth. I do a couple comedy gigs. I book one job at Scale. I'm good. I go to Sizzler. But then the guy next to you, next door to you, just moved out and bought a fucking house and a car and he's got a girlfriend that looks like a fucking model. And, you know, this is the decisions you make on whether you move forward or you're going to be a fucking lop all your life. Why you looking at me like that? I don't know you. 20 bucks. What do you got this weekend?

[Lee Syat]

This weekend I'm actually. It's a really fun show in Hoboken at. It's the DV B Barber Shop. Yeah, DV Barber Shop.

[Joey Diaz]

What night is that?

[Lee Syat]

Saturday night they have two shows. It's a really fun show. My buddy runs.

[Joey Diaz]

All right. And Wednesday night we're at the dojo.

[Lee Syat]

Wednesday we're at the dojo.

[Joey Diaz]

New Talent night, or whatever the it is. I don't know. It's something.

[Lee Syat]

You're gonna be a New talent.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, I'm new. I'm new talent with an old twist. Jackson.

[Lee Syat]

So, like, you should write material for a new. A different comic and do it or try a different style material.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, you're.

[Lee Syat]

You.

[Joey Diaz]

Don'T upload. Laugh at this guy. I don't encourage him with this gibberish. Talk. I should try some new material. Maybe I'll get a guitar.

[Lee Syat]

Talk. When you feed me all these things. Go out there and talk.

[Joey Diaz]

Talk. What?

[Lee Syat]

What do you mean, talk? What?

[Joey Diaz]

What are you talking. What you saying? Guys, I don't even. Am I deaf? Remember, you lost stripes today for that. Set you back like three years. Cupping that little edible.

[Lee Syat]

No one cupped an animal trying to.

[Joey Diaz]

Put in your pocket. We caught him tonight.

[Lee Syat]

No, you didn't catch any.

[Joey Diaz]

Trying to buy time, as usual. I need something to drink. Because he was gonna cut the edible in half, put it in his pocket and eat the other half. He don't think I know. He doesn't know I'm half Jewish. I already was watching him. That's why I caught the hand. I know him 12 years. I caught the hand. He has that little Jew hoof.

[Lee Syat]

It was nowhere near my head. He doesn't know what he was talking about.

[Joey Diaz]

These Jews would get, like a piece of bread.

[Lee Syat]

There's video evidence.

[Joey Diaz]

Hold their hand on the Auschwitz windowsill with a little piece of bread in there all night for three days. That's the Auschwitz grip. He's got something in the grip and shit. Fucking cocksucker. You don't think I read that? Magic.

[Lee Syat]

That's not in the grip, huh?

[Joey Diaz]

They got that. Remember GI Joe had a kung fu grip. Jews have that little Auschwitz grip. It ain't really closed, but it is. It's got like a diamond in there, the mother's ring or $5, whatever the fuck, y'. All.

[Lee Syat]

That's funny.

[Joey Diaz]

It pays. Anyway, guys, I'm at the motherfucking comedy dojo on, I think, the 13th. It's a Thursday night. And then we're doing another comedy bucket chaos on the 28th of August. And then you have to go on your own for Labor Day, because I got nothing going on Labor Day. But then we turn up in Florida on the 6th of September at Fort Lauderdale at the motherfucking Hard Rock Cafe. We might just lose Lee down there that weekend. We just take them to that fucking cafe. Take them to the ice island where they got the alligators around the island and just drop them off with a helicopter in the middle of the park.

[Lee Syat]

Casino, too.

[Joey Diaz]

What's that? And we got parked casino on 23 August, but that's sold out. And I do not want you to pay exuberant prices. We'll be back there in November and we got other little gigs popping up. But yeah, that's it. Next Thursday night. Yeah, next the 13th at the dojo. And then I'm doing another couple shows on the 20th and the 22nd leading up to the 23rd at the Parks Casino. And then we got motherfucking Fort Lauderdale. I'm excited for these shows. And after that, we'll let you know what's coming up for the winter time. That's it. And that's all. Anything you want to say? Cocksucker?

[Lee Syat]

Yeah, just next weekend I'm going to be in Oxford, Mississippi. And then in Memphis, Tennessee. Good luck Saturday.

[Joey Diaz]

Good luck. Oxford in Memphis. He just told me about this bad news tonight. Poor little Jewish guy. They're going to have to send the Mafia down there looking for him like they did in 51. Remember when the sun is. Gene Tester, whatever his name. Gene Scarpa, whatever. Scarpa went down. They had to kill three fucking white cops because they killed two black kids and a white kid. Well, I don't know. That was on Godfather of Harlem. They changed the facts, you know what I'm saying? So who the fuck knows? Anyway, I love you guys. Have a great week. Thank you for having us in your prayers. We have you and ours. I don't pray. We're fucking prayers. I don't even know what to say. Stay black, Cox. Suck, because Uncle Joey loves you. Hey, it's Uncle Joe here. Listen, I want to talk to you about cereal. If you want cereal, that's okay. To eat by the handful, grab some Magic Spoon. Magic Spoon has 13 grams of protein, 0 grams of sugar and 4 grams of net carbs. That's it. Go ahead and eat cereal for dinner without no shame and read the box while you're eating. With flavors like fruity cocoa and frosted, it tastes like Saturday morning in front of a tv. Me, I'm a cocoa type of guy. If you need to be on the go, Magic Spoon also has Treats cereal bars that you could take anywhere. Each bar has 12 grams of protein. I had the marshmallow and the double chocolate. Tremendous. What we're going to do is this. You're going to get $5 off your next order of Magic Spoon at magicspoon.com church or look for Magic Spoon on Amazon or in your nearest grocery store. That's magicspoon.comchurch for $5 off. Get that Magic spoon. Uncle Joe here to talk to you about bluechew. Listen, you've already got the pipes. Bluechew's here to make sure the water's gushing, you know what I'm saying? Bluechew is an OG brand offering chewable tablets for better sex. If you're thinking of slinging dick, Blue Chew is the way to go. It helps men have stronger, harder and longer lasting erections. The type that you could break a fucking table with or you could nail in a picture, you know what I'm saying? So you could crush it in the bedroom. Me, I like Blue Chew. One pill and within fucking 10 minutes ba boom, your victim is bagged. It's all over people, all over tapping out and shit. You can take a tablet anytime, day and night. So you always be ready to spring into action when that victim pops up. And we got a special deal for our listeners. As always, you get your first month for free. What? Joey, What? Bluechew, free first month. Just press in code Joey J, O E Y at checkout and pay five bucks for shipping. I'm going to rock your world. You're going to get a package. The mailman don't even know what it is. Nobody will know what it is. Join BlueChew's mission to upgrade humanity one thrust at a time. By slinging dick. You know what I'm saying? Anyway, head to bluechew.com for details and safety info. And big thanks for BlueChew for always sponsoring the podcast and having our back. I love you, bluechew.