The Guru of Failure

Summary

The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament

Episode: The Guru of Failure

Date: March 17, 2026
Host: Joey Coco Diaz
Co-host: Lee Syatt
Theme: Reflections on failure, addiction, and hard-earned wisdom, plus the comedy of daily life

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Episode Overview

This St. Patrick’s Day episode finds Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt broadcasting live from New York City. With typical no-holds-barred honesty and raucous humor, they delve into stories of failure and addiction, the impact of the pandemic, gambling, drugs, ethnic identity, and the long, messy journey toward self-acceptance. Diaz dubs himself the “Guru of Failure,” finding pride and gratitude in the scars of a turbulent life. Listeners are treated to candid (and often hilarious) anecdotes, life lessons delivered with streetwise wisdom, and the warm, quick-witted banter that fans love.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. St. Patrick’s Day and Cultural Riffs

00:03–01:52

• Conversation kicks off with St. Patty’s Day traditions. Joey is characteristically unimpressed by modern celebrations, focusing on whiskey, beer, and old-school bar culture.
• Joey pokes fun at Lee for asking about putting butter on cabbage, leading to a rant:
  • “Would you put butter from a bar on a cabbage?... I try to get rid of it, you know what I’m saying? The fuck is wrong with you?” (Joey, 01:19)

2. The Pandemic: Six Years Later

02:13–06:20, 25:02–33:46

• Joey remembers March 2020—a canceled trip to NYC, looming house hunts, and pandemic anxiety.
• Both hosts reflect on the uncertainty, claustrophobia, and fear after COVID’s arrival, admitting how deeply it messed them up mentally.
• Notable Quote:
  • “It fucked me up. The pandemic fucked me up for two to three years. I came here, I was without you for a year. You had no idea what I was going through. I couldn’t even make eye contact with people.” (Joey, 28:24)
• Lee shares how LA felt “scarier” than other places, with empty grocery aisles and long lines (29:31).

3. Life with Medication, Dependence, and Family Roles

03:08–04:17, 04:21–05:13

• Joey jokes about his wife managing his medications and how completely he relies on her, leading to self-deprecating humor about being easy to poison.
• Notable quote:
  • “She must really like... You’d be really easy to poison.” (Lee, 04:17)

4. Cultural Identity & Family Stories

05:13–09:17

• Warm, irreverent stories about Joey’s wife’s Native American heritage, her grandfather, and growing up fascinated by Native American history.
• Talks about the tribal casino business and claims that “all Cubans are part of Taíno Indians.”
• Paul Mooney quote:
  • “If you shake your family tree, an Indian will fall.” (Joey, quoting Mooney, 06:48)

5. Legends of Substance Use: Mushrooms, Edibles, and More

10:21–15:24

• Wild tales of traveling, gambling, and getting high on edibles and muscle relaxers.
• Joey describes titanic mushroom-eating sessions—“14 grams at one shot on two slices of cheese pizza” (15:15)—putting most psychedelic stories to shame.
• Lee marvels at Joey’s tolerance.
• Joey’s rationale: boredom led to excess, but he’s since learned to live with less.

6. Gambling: Highs, Lows, and Lessons

16:34–24:19

• Hilarious stories of terrible blackjack play, losing streaks, and attempted card-counting.
• Philosophizing about why people fall into the traps:
  • “It’s all the same setup. When you do coke the first three times, how great is it?... When you gamble, there’s not a motherfucker, the first time he gambled he didn’t win.” (Joey, 19:56)
• Acknowledges the pull of initial wins and the wisdom learned after heavy losses.

7. Survival and Adjustment after Failure

37:34–47:28

• Joey reflects on moving back East, never feeling at home in California, and the warmth of East Coast people.
• Shares how the “comedy communism” of the business nearly broke him, but now he finds peace:
  • “I don’t have to wake up feeling like I gotta stab a motherfucker. That’s not a good way to wake up every morning.” (Joey, 42:53)
• Adopts “guru of failure” as a point of pride:
  • “Sometimes you got to be the guru of failure to get to that little fucking village.” (Joey, 71:43)

8. Tales of Addiction, Paranoia, and Craziness

54:00–87:28

• Gripping and often riotous stories of probation, doing cocaine, cheating drug tests, and outmaneuvering probation officers.
• Joey shares his downward spiral:
  • “I had the wife, the baby, but the monkey was on my back. So I learned how to deal with it a little better.” (76:57)
• Hides drugs, dodges police, and weaves through wild Boulder, CO days.

9. Sex, Changing Norms, and Growing Up

60:02–66:53

• Frank admissions of discomfort with casual and transactional sex in his past, contrasted with changing societal norms (OnlyFans, filming encounters, etc.).
• Old-school views and parental concerns—he wants organic relationships and quips about the absurdity of poppers, Spanish Fly, and childhood sex myths.

10. Wisdom Gained: Embracing Failure

66:53–71:39

• Joey returns to his central motif: all the vices, schemes, and dreams he chased revealed their true nature after a few tries.
• “Now you see the scam that we’re programmed to go to Vegas and these casinos to lose. We’re programmed, but in our hearts we think we’re gonna win.” (Joey, 67:58)

11. Parenting, Generational Change, and Self-Acceptance

69:53–71:04

• With endearment and hilarity, Joey discusses his daughter’s challenges as a teenager, remembering his own rough edges.
• “She must look at me like, who the fuck is this ugly motherfucker? How the fuck did I end up with Fred Flintstone as a dad?” (Joey, 70:07)

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Memorable Quotes & Banter

• On Buttered Cabbage:
  “Would you put butter from a bar on cabbage?... The fuck is wrong with you?” (01:19, Joey)

• On the Pandemic’s Psychological Toll:
  “I couldn’t even make eye contact with people. Couldn’t even make eye contact. I remember I told you Ari came to my house and I couldn’t wait for him to leave.” (28:24, Joey)

• On Gambling Illusions:
  “Wisdom is a motherfucker, okay? Wisdom is a motherfucker... now at this age, I know I’m gonna give them $200.” (18:41, Joey)

• On Life as the Guru of Failure:
  “I’m the guru of failure. But sometimes you got to be the guru of failure to get you to that little fucking village, that little guru.” (71:43, Joey)

• On Parental Eye-rolling:
  “She must look at me like, who the fuck is this ugly motherfucker? How the fuck did I end up with Fred Flintstone as a dad?” (70:07, Joey)

• On Turning Points:
  “There’s one day in your life you gotta go, dog, you gotta turn that shit off. Because you ain’t got it no more. You ain’t that dude, so knock it off. And I accepted it.” (42:53, Joey)

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Timestamps for Highlights

• St. Patrick’s Day banter: 00:03–01:52
• Chronicling pandemic change: 02:13–06:20; 25:02–33:46
• Medication and family role: 03:08–04:17
• Native American stories: 05:13–09:17
• Mushroom & edible tales: 10:21–15:24
• Gambling and its hooks: 16:34–24:19
• Post-pandemic reflections: 37:34–47:28
• Addiction and probation stories: 54:00–87:28
• Views on sex now vs. then: 60:02–66:53
• Legacy and wisdom: 66:53–71:39
• Parenting & self-deprecation: 69:53–71:04

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Tone and Takeaway

Profane, heartfelt, raw, and consistently funny, the episode pulls no punches. Joey Diaz’s wisdom is hard-won, not self-righteous—a humorously honest take on living through failures, learning, and living to tell about it. “Guru of failure” isn’t self-pity but a badge of survival and gratitude. Whether joking about Drano on his dick or surviving LA during the pandemic, Diaz and Syatt’s chemistry creates a space where laughter and life lessons co-exist naturally—a true testament to their enduring podcast friendship.

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For new and old listeners alike, this episode is a potent mix of stories, lessons, and laughs. No matter your baggage, you’ll find wisdom in Joey’s war stories and kinship in his willingness to lay it all bare, with Lee by his side to give the perspective—and the perfect punchline.

Transcript

[A]

Kick this motherfucker mule. What's happening? Beautiful people. Uncle Joe here with Kato AKA Lee Syed for another fun filled episode of the Church of What's happening Now, New Testament. It's St. Patty's Day. I forgot my green. I'm gonna wear it though, later on when I go out and lurk and see what's going on in my fucking town. Happy St. Patty's Day, cocksucker.

[B]

Same to you two. Dude, I'm such a loser. I never once like went out to like. There's a whole big parade in Boston.

[A]

Green beer.

[B]

You never did any of that.

[A]

One time and that's it. One time. I don't need no bagpipes. I'm too old for that. They come in with the dress. Enough. Just give me the. They're Irish. They don't give a. Just give me the beer. Give me the whiskey. Let's get up.

[B]

Oh, when I lived in Boston, they, they don't like. There are bars on the street, I lived on that open in the morning.

[A]

They open at 6 in the morning. Tomorrow. All those bars in the city, those old time bars, they'll be open at 6. Oh, giving corned beef and cabbage. And that's the way to do it. I don't know nothing else. These new gentiles celebrate at night. Six in the morning.

[B]

Oh, I can't imagine taking a shot.

[A]

Is out. The cabbage is out, the bagpipe is out. But he's got to wait for I eat. Then he can play all the bagpipe he wants when I'm outside, you know what I'm saying?

[B]

Do you put butter on the cabbage?

[A]

I don't fucking know, Lee. Come on, Lee, I'm in a bar. Would you put butter from a bar on a cabbage?

[B]

I don't know. I wouldn't put it.

[A]

I don't put nothing on cabbage, Lee. I try to get rid of it, you know what I'm saying? The fuck is wrong with you?

[B]

So your corned beef and cabbages is corned beef?

[A]

Yeah, I don't give a fuck. I put a little. If it's a sandwich, just a little slice of flavor. I'm not going to eat a whole thing of fucking corned beef like bok choy. They give you that whole thing. Fuck you, I'm not eating that shit. Too much waste. Why is it waste? Because you're burning up good stomach space with fucking cabbage. I don't like cabbage.

[B]

No, no.

[A]

I don't like none of that shit. Why do you always get me all fired up? Butter on who Puts butter.

[B]

That's the way my mom made it. She's the Jewish woman making corned beef and cabbage.

[A]

That's how I did in Auschwitz. But we don't. We don't do it that way. Cocksucker.

[B]

And, oh, yeah, there's no bread in Auschwitz. It's just cabbage and butter.

[A]

A lot of lighters, a lot of matches. I don't know if people know what yesterday was, really. No, it was the 14th. Well, the 14th was for me when they canceled my fucking plane ticket and said I couldn't come to New York. But pretty much today is the anniversary of pandemic six years ago. The 15th. I got canceled on the 14th. The 15th. The 16th. The 17th was a Monday six years ago. And I was coming in that Monday to shoot, and then Tuesday and Wednesday to buy a house. Then I was gonna come back April 4th, and my wife was gonna buy it. I can't buy no house. I don't know how to buy a house. I was gonna look at a house.

[B]

You know, I would love to see you go through the process of buying a house with just all the papers.

[A]

I have a hard time going to the doctor when he asks you all those questions.

[B]

What about when they. Because I know. I get the text. Like, fill out this paperwork before you come in.

[A]

I'm not doing it. I don't do it. I skipped the. I skipped the thing. Yeah, skip. Keep skipping. They'll keep hitting me back. Put your insurance card in. Put your ID in you. I'll see you at 10:15. I'll be there 15 minutes early. And then when they give me the paperwork, I go, I forgot my glasses. Oh, I always find a way to get out of that. Then you go through a process where you have to sit in. You know, you do the weight, the thing. And then they ask you all over, are you still on all these medications? Shoot it, bro. They got medication there from 2010. And I got. And I'm like, listen. I tell them in the beginning, listen, I don't mean to be rude or interrupt you, but before you ask me another question, if you don't see my wife standing there, don't ask those type of questions. It's not going to work. If you want, I can call her at work and she'll talk to you all day long. But I'm not going to sit here with you and go through every. I don't even know what I take. My wife does all that shit she puts in one of those pill things. I get up in the morning, it's a handful. I put two more in. I drink my water and after I eat, I drink the juice with the.

[B]

You know, she must really like. You'd be really easy to poison. You

[A]

could kill me at any. She could kill me at night, put a cotton ball in my sleep apnea. She could do a thousand fucking things and nobody know nothing. No, I'm an idiot. I don't care. She could make me drink that thing that Chan Michael Vincent made Charles Bronson drink in the Mechanic when they coated in the wine glass makes you appeal and you get a heart attack on the. That's a very good movie. That's a good move right there. She could kill me. How the fuck she wants, but who gives? She's not going to kill me if anybody kill her. Fuck that Indian. I got to put a time through her heart to kill her. That's. That's a real Indian. That's not one of those fucking boo boos. That's a real Indian. When I met her grandfather, I was like in awe. A mother's father.

[B]

He looks like an. Like an. Like an Indian.

[A]

He did that. He did that mumbling that Indians do. But that was cool as he was. He was like 8. He was telling me, listen, I ain't racist. Like one day he took me inside. He's like, I'm not racist because I love black women. That's what these idiots don't know. He goes, if it was up to me, I'd fuck the shit out of Aunt Esther because she had nice. Because she had nice legs.

[B]

Who's Aunt Esther? Sounds like a Jewish lady.

[A]

No, Aunt Esther's the black chick from. From fucking Sanford and Son that he would call ugly. He would call her ugly in every episode. Esther, I brought you something. What? A cellophane mask. A cellophane. You could use it as a Halloween mask. You say shit to her constantly. Esther, where's your goat? What goat? You know, and they just beat up on a. Was it his wife?

[B]

I haven't seen enough of that show.

[A]

No, it was like his sister in law.

[B]

Oh, his sister. Oh my God.

[A]

But yeah, he always. He used to always tell me and Esther got the best fucking legs. I saw her in a cabaret in 1984. She fucking was beautiful. My grandpa, you're an Indian. Oh, you like the dark skin. You got away from that shit, you know what I'm saying?

[B]

I have to be honest, that's. I've never done like a 23 in me, but I'd love to find out. I'm like, we've been doing a lot of shows at casinos like these Native American like the ones who own casinos and they just get paid every year just because they're part of the tribe that owns casinos. That is the dream six figures.

[A]

I just got to figure out what the percentage is, the legal percentage. But all Cubans are part of Teano Indians. We all come from Indians in one way or another.

[B]

I don't think I do.

[A]

Somebody fucked Indians. Like Paul Mooney said, if you shake your family tree, an Indian will fall. Somebody will fall out of your family tree.

[B]

Oh, I'd love that to just.

[A]

I love. I married my wife pretty much because of her grandfather. Because I've always had a fascination about American Indians. Yeah. Always. Always. When I was a kid, that's all I watched those stupid fucking movies. That's why I used to watch those westerns. Yeah. Because I loved all that. I didn't like them beating up on them. I don't like those movies when they beat up on Indians. I like when the Indians got a little spunk to them. Like White Comanche. Oh, yeah, yeah. Like, you know, they shoot an arrow. They got you.

[B]

Can you imagine that? Just a bow and an arrow and you going up against armies, going killing buffalo.

[A]

You ever watch 1812, all those shows about.

[B]

No, I showed.

[A]

They're very interesting. Very interesting. Even as a TV show, just to see what they were going through. How people ended up in Montana.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

People ended up in California. You know, it's going to be a cold winter, so we might as well sit here. And then you grow crops and there you are. And who helped you? A Indian. Yeah. An Indian either helped you or hurt you. So you started sharing with them. That's how this was built. And it's pretty interesting.

[B]

Next time he's in town, I'll let. I didn't know you liked Indians. My cousin is like a professor George Washington, only he's written like tons of books about. He goes in like. Goes and reads like the. The papers they had. It's pretty like. It's just.

[A]

How interesting is an Indian. They were loyal people, but you couldn't with them. They're very loyal and humble and honorable. But there came a time where they. You up and they. When they started people up, they. Why do you think all these trackers are Indian? In the U.S. services. Yeah.

[B]

They had an entire, like groups of them.

[A]

Groups of them. These guys could have hunt like they put their ear on the ground. That's a joke. But it's not.

[B]

That's why it's Funny.

[A]

They put their ear on the ground and go, buffalo. And you're like, what the just happened?

[B]

I. I like whenever I see stuff like that and. I know, but I like, I. I went into like one of the. The wigwams, whatever. I don't know what they call it in this one, but I just. Whenever I'm sitting there, I'm like, how did. How do you sleep in here with no air conditioner? I can't imagine.

[A]

How do you sleep in there with no refrigerator? You know what I'm saying?

[B]

I don't know how they do.

[A]

Can you imagine? You want a piece of chicken, you got to walk a half a mile and kill it and bring it back. No, that. Think about that.

[B]

Running with no shoes.

[A]

Just. We all came from that, like that fainting thing. I have for years. I fainted. I went to get professional help on that. Like, I couldn't deal with the blood thing. Yeah, because how at that time I was. I faint. I have this thing that I faint if my stomach feels a little sour, I'll fucking faint. Like, if my stomach is good, my blood pressure drops. What about in. Fucking hilarious.

[B]

Usually I know what story is coming. I have no idea what's coming.

[A]

So the other night, we're in fucking wherever the fuck Connecticut. We go into that earlier. It was a half hour flight. Like doctors. We get there, we start gambling. I knew we were gonna lose. It just the feeling wasn't in the air. Nick, everything all right on the phone? The world's Kim, all right. I didn't know if the world was changing, if Hillary. They stopped the satellite. You got me all nervous. It better be a woman sucking cock or something. Interesting.

[B]

It's a Native American.

[A]

So we started eating edibles on the fucking plane. Me, Lee, George, Nick, everybody. I was. When we get there and I go, lee, you want a happy pill? Now, a happy pill used to be a Vicodin, but I don't want to eat a Vicodin. So I gave Lee a half a muscle relaxer and I took like two of them.

[B]

Is that what that was?

[A]

And Lee kept saying, oh, this thing is making me sweat.

[B]

Oh, I was sweating like a pig.

[A]

You were sweating because you were losing, that's why. Oh, you aren't sweating because of the muscle relaxer.

[B]

I don't know what.

[A]

Dude, this fucking pain pills don't do nothing for me. The muscle relaxers at least give me something peace of mind. Like now it's muscles relax. I take those fucking pain pills. My stomach hurts. I took1 like Three weeks ago, my fucking. I had two of them. Like, you know what? This would be nice. I could go to. Because if somebody gives them to me, I'll save them for pt Because a pt, that motherfucker opens it up.

[B]

The muscle relaxers.

[A]

No, he opens up the pain. Oh, he.

[B]

Okay, yeah.

[A]

That's what you go there for, to push it as much as you can.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

So when I leave there, I take a half.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

That's all I need is a half. Even though I'm a big guy, you feel a half. Okay. If I mix it with Motrin, it's even better. 800 milligram Motrin. But those. Then they gave me these muscle relaxers when the guy was giving it to me. I'm like, really? A fucking muscle relaxer for knee pain. He goes, well, he'll tear down the inflammation and do all this shit. So whenever I feel a little bit coming now, I just pop one of those, man. And I feel a lot better than eating one of those fucking pain pills.

[B]

Do you know which pill you're taking? Or do you just, like, have a. Like a pouch and you just throw a couple into your mouth? Like, I don't feel like you can actually know which pill.

[A]

I live by sound. All right, There's a big drawer that sits in that drawer right next to me. There's weed underneath it. Everything I have to do with weed is underneath that. Edibles. There's weed in there that's so fucking old, I don't even know what it is. Like, I just put it in a jar and didn't. I was too high. I didn't label it. Now it's just old. You kind of get scared to smoke it. Cause you're like. But every once in a while, I run out of weed, and I'll smoke it. Like, two weeks ago, I smoked something. It was a little orange bud.

[B]

It was orange.

[A]

I was fucked up. My eyes wouldn't fucking open. I had to wear sunglasses. I couldn't see. Are you sure? Huh?

[B]

Are you sure it was weed?

[A]

Who cares? I have that draw. You smoked a cheese bowl? It's. Everything in that drawer is mushroom. But I threw the mushrooms. I haven't eaten the mushroom. Every time I got them, they taste like in Jersey. They grow them somewhere in.

[B]

I wish we had tape.

[A]

No, no, no.

[B]

You used to yell me for years, saying about the. They all taste like.

[A]

No, the ones I was getting from California. Bobby.

[B]

No, no. Mushroom is clean.

[A]

Pizza place. And just get two slices and just fucking put mushrooms right in front of the Pizza parlor. The guy's like, look at him. Like, you should have baked them in those type of mushrooms, Nikki. And I put them in and I'd fold it and eat fucking. It would be like a half ounce of mushrooms from California. I was going off last year, off by myself down there alone. Driving around at night in the backcountry

[B]

and seeing how many grams is an ounce. 24.

[A]

What you were eating?

[B]

14 grams, dog.

[A]

I would eat like three or four and nothing would happen. I get pissed because I put like a system. But at that time.

[B]

What do you mean?

[A]

I had £4 in the house. I had a little bit of each. So I would alternate them and give some away. Alternate them. You always gotta alternate shit. So I was taking the pig legs, the Cuban, African, you know, I had like four different ones. And you just mix and mingle. And then my. I ate like seven one night. Cause I was weighing him. I ate like seven one night. I'm like, I'm gonna die tonight. I'm excited about dying. I'm taking the new car with me and everything. And fucking like a half thing. I saw one thing, so I go, I gotta start this with 10. Then I started starting with 10. And then towards the end, I was just putting 14 and going to a pizza place and getting a pizza. That's why I was 332 when I went into the hospital last January. I'm like 50 pounds lighter now, really, because of that whole mushroom.

[B]

How often were you doing this?

[A]

Every day. When you live down by me, it's boring. But now I learned how to adjust the boring. It took me time because I know that I'm going to be bored no matter where I go. If I go to Vegas, I'm going to be bored. I'm just that type of guy if you guys aren't around. And I don't gamble, you see, I'm not going to stay out all night and gamble. I'd rather go to the room and something's on TNT or you read something on the computer. You're interested on Google. You Google a topic, dude, for people

[B]

who don't know, like, most people take like 2, 3 grams and they're like lean outer space. What are you talking about? 14 grams

[A]

Towards the end, I was eating 14 grams of one shot on two slices of cheese pizza.

[B]

Is your tolerance ever so good that you're like, I need to take a break like this?

[A]

Well, that's why I took a break from the mushrooms. I just didn't want to do them anymore. I Got two is acid. I'm holding on for me and you for next big casino run.

[B]

Oh, Jesus. So you want me to get kicked out of another casino?

[A]

I'm going to give you 500 cash to take it. Because we're going to sit together and learn how to play poker on acid and document it. That's how you learn to do things. Anybody could go down there and fucking.

[B]

The numbers are going to start flying off the cards. You're like, I have no idea.

[A]

I got three kings. No.

[B]

You know, they're talking, oh, I told

[A]

you it was a king in that thing.

[B]

Oh, what if we're really good at it on acid?

[A]

Oh, and we keep doing it. You're better at all that if you're hot, you don't even realize it. You think I'm teasing you, dog? I've been looking at people for 50 years on reefer. That's what I do. I have guinea pigs. You're one of them. I've noticed. I know that when you're uptight, nothing falls right for you. And then something happens, and it triggers, like, an old memory. And he's got that. He starts making Jew noises. You haven't been making Jew noises in a while. Why?

[B]

You created and cured the Jew noises.

[A]

I created it?

[B]

You created it and cured it. Yeah. We got. I love you guys, and I. I'll play blackjack with you guys forever. But it's. There's certain nights where we go. It's like, okay, let's find the 15 table. Because we played so bad that the dealer started talking to us. We played so bad. We played so bad. We were making moves and the dealer went, wow. Like, not hitting on 15 someone. I don't want to throw anyone under the bus. Like, it was a 13 and they stayed against, like, an 8. It wasn't. Well, you did some other things. Oh, yeah.

[A]

She was having a hard time with you. She just kept looking at you going

[B]

in the dealership.

[A]

Thought it was bingo and shit.

[B]

All of us, we were looking. We got so high on the play. We're just looking at the numbers. Like, I don't. You like. And by the way, I love you. And you're really. You're so good at numbers, but put,

[A]

like, three or four cards in front

[B]

of you, you start looking around like, can't do this.

[A]

I know, I know. I have to be looking at her hand, and I don't know what I'm actually looking for. So I'm just playing by. Listen, guys, I'm not going down there to make A living. I'm not going down there to impress anybody. We don't put care. I'm just going down there to fucking enjoy something. You know what we dump in about three weeks, we're gonna be paying $200 a gallon. So before that happens, I might as well lose $200 at blackjack. I want to know when to go home. When you get en route. You know, I'm sitting there the other day pulling those stupid fucking DraftKings. Not the. Not the DraftKings Wheel of Fortune. And I'm sitting there and I'm, you know, wisdom is a motherfucker, okay? Wisdom is a motherfucker. Experience, age, you know, trauma, all that shit's a motherfucker. But you're sitting there and now at this age, I know I'm gonna give him the $20. There's no this guy. I'm gonna pay my rolling skate lessons with. I'm gonna pay rent with this. I'm gonna pay for college. I'm gonna come down here and hit the big thing. I eliminated all that. I know. I'm gonna give them $200. Yeah. If I'm having a really good time, I'll walk to the ATM and take another two out. But that's gonna be it. Because I know what I gotta do for those $400 and those $300. I gotta put up with this fucking goots two days a week. No, I'm just telling you the truth. That's why I did cocaine all those years. Because I wanted something. I wanted somebody to come over me their pussy or poke them in the eye, whatever the fuck. You know, I always said that's what I want to spend my money on. That's just me right now at this part of my life. When you gamble and you lose like two or three grand one time, it makes you rethink your fucking whether you're a millionaire or not or whether you're just a regular Joe, because that's when you lose 3,000 when you're a regular Joe because you actually think, I'm going to buy my girlfriend a fucking engagement ring. And they set you up perfectly. Listen, life has a way of setting you up. And it's all the same setup. When you do coke the first three times, how great is it? You think fucking God forbid somebody sucks your dick, you'll never come down from that. When you smoke pot the first three times, it's fucking great. When you gamble, there's not a motherfucker. There's not a motherfucker. The first time he Gambled. He didn't win.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

Just the universe. That's the night you're gonna hit black360. You know, when you put the fucking little court, the nickel slot next to the 25, and if you get three sevens, you win like 2,000 bucks or 250,000. That's the night you hit that. What do you think he's gonna do with that? $250,000? Yeah, he's gonna wait a week, listen to all the advice and Amazon, you know, invest in buttons. You know, he's gonna think about it. He's gonna get two beers and go, if I could do that one time, I'd do that again. Oh, yeah. No, that's all of us. That's humanity. That's not just.

[B]

Dude, I started watching videos of how to count cards in blackjack. And, like, it looks good.

[A]

And then you get to that shit on tape. Crank call. Crank call. He's under the influe.

[B]

You can't. It goes so fucking fast.

[A]

But it's the same.

[B]

And they catch you right away.

[A]

It's the same jungle. How does a girl get you. How does a girl get you? Two, Three dates, you go, yeah, you giggle. One night you swap spit, and the next night you put it in there. And now you don't want to leave the house for three days. You're looking at a pet, you know, no need to go to work. You're like a. That's all of us. Every. Women flip it. It's the same thing for women. It's just not for. It's for everybody. We all get caught in the same traps in life. But after you've gotten caught 80 times. No, but it's like one day you figure it out. I can't believe at 18, me and a bunch of idiots at Joan marries thought we had the system. You got nothing. You're a fucking idiot. You got the system. Wait till. What they got for you, that's when you start losing by four and a half. And you lose by four. All those games, when you start, you give seven and a half, you lose by seven. And it's rent money. This is. I gotta borrow money, you know. Now you're cracking into a fucking. Your grandmother's fucking. Yeah, that's the thing. And that's everything, guys. That's just not gambling. It's weed, it's pussy. It's men, it's women, it's every drug. Alcohol. First two times you drink, you have a great time. Go do that the third night. And now you're like, yeah, I'll drink new one of those things you drink when you're 19. I'll drink long ice. Text. Yeah, and you drink like three or four of them. Either half a Quaalute and you wake up in your friend's garage with puke all over you the next morning thinking that and where's that girl I was dancing with, Bro? You puked on the last day. What the fuck? What do you mean I puked? Everything's the same. So now you see the traps when we go down there. Listen, I don't know what you get in your day job, whatever. You got 200 you could lose, you

[B]

know what I'm saying?

[A]

Everybody does. After 200, you're like, what am I doing with my life? You know what? My friends are here. It's a bachelor party. It's George's 65th. It's Nikki's 30th. Let me go get two more hundred. But I've got 200 gone. Then we start doing coke, okay? The next investment is in the Colombian. I'm not that I'm gonna do coke, but that's how my mind used to be. Oh, yeah. When I was doing coke, there was no $20 table. I never sat. There was. It was either the coke or Wheel of Fortune. Wheel of fortune, go fuck itself.

[B]

Oh, yeah, dude, there's. There's no better feeling than winning, but losing money. I. Dude, you remember, right? In la, I won the first time I went to Vegas. I went back, I thought I was like a. A professional gambler. And I just remember walking down the Strip, throwing away the loyalty cars that I got from the casinos. Cuz like, I. Oh, I. I went and I had a room for like three nights. I left the first night.

[A]

I. That was all. I remember that. I remember one night we went and we actually played and we were winning. You were winning. I staked you, and all of a sudden a Japanese guy stands behind you. I told you to move, you didn't move, and you lost it all.

[B]

You left. That was the problem.

[A]

See, that's when you were. That's when I saw that the Jew problem with you, that you left, you weren't upset, but you left. It mangled you a little bit. If you would have been high that night, you would have stayed and said, joe, get the fuck out of here. I got a system. I'm gonna go over there by myself, getting away from all you motherfuckers. If you were high that night, you would have done that. You would say, I'm going back to my Room after we went and got to the seafood bar and ate those big shrimp.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

We got back to the room and then the next morning. How was your nightly? I took a nap and I went back down at 2 in the morning. And I want 800. That would be great. Yeah. That's how you always. I knew he was going to get up in the middle of night.

[B]

You have to. That's the best time to go gambling. Because no one else is down there. Oh, it's because when it's busy, you get up. People don't hit with us. And that's because I started gambling in LA with like, in like the, the not good areas where it's like, it's people who go there to make money and if you up their table, they'll yell at you. Like, they'll. Yeah. And like, it's, it's, it's not like I go there. You go there to have fun. But there's a lot of people who have these casinos who are not there for fun.

[A]

No, that's what I said. Some people, when you're young and stupid, you think you're actually going to go there and make a business venture. You actually tell your friends, yeah, I'm going to invest in a wheat store. I'm going to invest half a mil. And you're like, in the back, yeah, I'm going to go play blackjack. You're not going to do dick. You're not going to do dick. I want to talk to you guys about something, okay? I want you to think about how all you even how you guys felt six years ago, Like a week after this happened. Six years ago, How'd you feel? Like you thought it was over. There was people calling me. I don't know how to pay my rent. I don't know how I'm gonna pay car payments. I don't know how I'm gonna do this. We were fucking sweating bullets, and guess what? Look at us now. What the fuck was this all about? One of the greatest compliments I got with you was when I moved here to Jersey, I went to a restaurant one night, I was with like, my neighbors, and they had no idea about fucking the church or what's happening now or nothing. And we all went out together and there were young busboys and these kids were going nuts, God bless them. They brought everything to the fucking table, you know, they brought everything oozed. And the chef came in and he did this. And he goes, can I talk to you for a minute? He goes, hey, man, what you And Lee did during the podcast. You eat here for free from now.

[B]

I never got this free food.

[A]

I'm teasing you. I haven't taken you there because it's a good restaurant, but it's not the one we usually think of, right? They have two restaurants. We go to their other restaurant.

[B]

Gotcha.

[A]

And he goes, this is why you always eat for free here. He goes, I'm not talking for myself. He goes, I would talk to people that night because that's all they had to do was listen to podcasts. That was it. And the podcast girl got like two months, you know, two months away. That's when everybody started getting accused of eating somebody's ass eight years ago. Put the roofie in my drink two weeks ago. That was all a fucking scam. Think about this shit. Think about what we were looking at two weeks after the pandemic. You were fucking panicking. You couldn't go anywhere. The only places that were open were the Chinese casinos in la that stayed 10ft apart. Those motherfuckers were still down there. And I know OTB was probably open. They're called serviceable businesses. People have to live without them or whatever. In California, like when you bought weed, it was expensive because you had to pay the tax rate for them to stay open. California said, we'll open you up. We want 25 points more.

[B]

Really?

[A]

And all those weed stores went into debt. Oh. In taxes. All those weed stores, because they were fucking making money, but they were paying, instead of whatever they were paying, 25% tax, they're paying 50% tax.

[B]

I didn't know that. I just. I just financed Uber Eats.

[A]

They were called something to stay alive. Like barbershops. Essential services. But their tax rates went up. I don't know if it happened here in Jersey. We'll find out. But it was really interesting how I felt.

[B]

I mean, I don't remember being scared at the beginning.

[A]

Huh?

[B]

Like, the first couple weeks. Like, we thought it was gonna be over soon. I remember that. But you were not. I'm not talking shit about. But you were always a little bit nervous about it.

[A]

I was overweight. I was not in shape. I was smoking. I had personal problems. I had drug problems. A lot of things going on. Lee. I had a fucking daughter that was seven. And now I'm gonna die from some motherfucker hugging me or breathing on me or me going to a sporting event. I gotta tell you, man. I'm the first guy to tell you guys, because the bigger the man, the bigger the mistake. It fucked me up. The Pandemic fucked me up for two to three years. I came here, I was without you for a year. You had no idea what I was going through. I couldn't even make eye contact with people. Couldn't even make eye contact. I remember I told you Ari came to my house and I couldn't wait for him to leave. He wanted me to go eat at the Chinese restaurant. I'm not fucking at that. Listen, it wasn't even the Chinese thing for me. I just didn't want to be in a restaurant that day.

[B]

No, I called you the first time I saw a restaurant with people in it. It was creepy. It was scary.

[A]

We called me from Florida. Florida and said, you walked into a place, there were 300 people. He goes, joey, I had to step outside. I didn't know what the.

[B]

I hadn't seen anybody like that for months, dude. LA was a little bit scarier, I think, than some other places because, like, we would line up. I. I was going to a Walmart in the West Valley. Like, I found a Walmart like 40 minutes away, cuz. Like a Gelson's or Ralph's by us. There were lines out the door and you'd walk in there and there'd be nothing. There'd be like vegan hot dogs, like, I bought. I don't even like Velveeta Mac and cheese food, though.

[A]

I was ordering. I had food all over the country. I was like, this is the time to mingle. Oh, people calling me up, hey, you want steaks? Call this guy. He said to call you. And then Sickler. We met this last week to see him. He hooked me up with his clam chowder guy. I was sending that guy $200. That motherfucker.

[B]

Crab cakes or clams? I think it was a crab cakes.

[A]

Crab cakes. Fucking. It never ended. I was getting steak sent to the house. Then I found out that Morton's, the steakhouse by house, was not serving, but they were selling everything to. You could not. They couldn't cook it.

[B]

The groceries.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. But they turned into a grocery store. I started going over there and buying steaks. And they were like, so grateful. Like, I was eating steaks every day just to help people. Like, I was like, fuck it. How could this be that my favorite steakhouse, the one with the bread.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, of course, yeah.

[A]

Is not open. Like, I couldn't even fathom that.

[B]

Did I ever tell you what I did with.

[A]

With.

[B]

With Domino's? I was up Domino's because they had. Oh, yeah, buy three for $5 each. I'd buy like six pizzas and put them. I'd put them in a. In Ziploc bags and put them in the freezer. Like, every day I would just have a pepperoni because, like, I. I was fat hot. And we.

[A]

You.

[B]

You would bring food, but you'd also bring edibles. Like, you would just be like, be downstairs in two minutes, dog.

[A]

Every, like, for a week, I had weed and edibles because I always had boxes of the tablets. But then the weed store open. He called me and he's like, hey, man, we're open. Come through the side door. And we got everything. I'm like, all right. You had to wear a mask. You had to go in there and fucking. Then this lunatic showed up in July. That's a lie. You want me to go to talk to a motherfucker that just came from the east coast where Kobe was invented at the studio? I'm like, you're fucking out of your mind. And he's out there breathing, taking edibles, going to Beverly Hills. I'm like, dog, don't call you no more. I want to talk to nobody that just came from New York. Nobody. Yeah, like, I was. It was not good. I would have to be home at. I don't know, I had two times a day I would sit there and guys fucking watch Eyewitness news and just eat Xanaxes because my heart was beating out of my chest.

[B]

Why would you watch the news if the news was upsetting you, why would you watch it?

[A]

Because guess what? There was nothing else to watch.

[B]

There's a thousand things. Tiger King.

[A]

There was nothing Tiger King. I wasn't watching that shit.

[B]

No, you don't like the gay guy wrestling with Tiger Kun?

[A]

I never even turn that shit on. Things were bad enough. I don't need to add this to my fucking life, Lee. No, no.

[B]

Reality tv. No. Thousand pound like, oh, that would have you watched.

[A]

I was working out in my yard and then they said no Jiu jitsu, but the kickboxing guy goes, I'll train you at the park. So we'd have to kick and shit with a mask on. That. Yeah. Do push ups and punch. And that was brutal. Plus, you just. You were just scared. So my cardio was bad as it was from my anxiety being I couldn't breathe. That's what happens to me. I get a lot of anxiety. I end up in the hospital because I can't breathe.

[B]

But meanwhile, 14 grams of mushrooms, you're perfectly fine.

[A]

The first time they found mushroom dust in my lungs. You have like plantations of trees. It's something that grows out there.

[B]

Oh, my.

[A]

And I'm like, smell me, it's marijuana coming out of my brain pores, you know, I've been in here for six days. That shit's all the way at the top.

[B]

Holy. Yeah, but like, now I kind of. I don't want like a pandemic, obviously, but I wish we had, like one of those weeks.

[A]

Listen, I want people at work. I want people out of the house. I want people healthy, and that's it. I don't ever want one of those things again. Not my lifetime, not my daughter's lifetime. I. When you look at it now, a couple of weeks ago, we had a conversation here, and I made some stupid joke. I wasn't kidding you. We're watching a play unfold. This is all scripted. This is all scripted that something was not right here. I'm not going to get into. I'm not conspiracy theorist. Something was not right here.

[B]

I don't. The funny thing is, is who knows? There's so many things going on right now.

[A]

It was the end of the world. You can't breathe. You can't. And I still remember coming home and they killed the black guy in Minnesota. Minneapolis. Yeah.

[B]

That was scary.

[A]

And all of a sudden, it's like. And all of a sudden, two weeks later, they're taking down statues of people who had slaves. Awesome. Right by our house, right by the podcast studio. I was going to say, yeah, thousands of people, bro. Then a black kid was hot and he went and he laid down on the grass and a cop approached him. He said he couldn't lay there. And all of a sudden, they called the cops again. By my daughter's day school, by daycare. Yeah. Now there was a fucking congregation on that side. And you were looking at this going. And then I would drive my bike. I would ride my bike. That. That was my exercise. I would just ride my bike around Hollywood Park. North Hollywood Park. Ride it, ride it, ride it. Everybody had a mask on. I finally took it off. And then one day, I actually. I'm there every day, guys. And I'm stoned and I'm on a bike and I'm old. So I'm watching. I'm not doing 90 miles an hour. I'm just going for spins for circulation. I'm like, you know, vote for me type shit. But one day, I saw it. I just saw bricks every 10ft, tied by wire. Like, come on, man, this is a fucking movie. All the cancellations, all this. You know, there's A fucking pandemic. And I'm not going to get into. Because we all went through something, but it was just too. It was too much on top of what I was going through at home. I just did not want to live in LA no more. When the fucking pandemic hit, when they said, we're done till June, I remember going, terry, this is perfect. This is written from God. Because we get the fuck out of here now, it's going to be down until September. We're not going to see daylight till September, so what are we doing? I called the lady, she said, no, blah, blah, blah, we'll find you a house in Titten Falls. I called Jimmy Florentine because Jimmy was just on the podcast two months before that and he was talking about Jersey. And I remember coming back to the Sopranos and going, come on, man, that's too much. I've been out there too long. No, this is bullshit. I'm going to die out there in an earthquake, fucking for something I don't believe in. I went to look at three houses in California way before that, before Mercy was born. Every house I walked in, I didn't feel at home. Not even close. I don't know what it is about California. When I walked in homes that were supposed to be impressive to me, it made me hate them more than home. When you walk into somebody's home on the east coast, you're looking at family pictures. You're looking at a carpet that the dog shit on 80 times, but they vacuumed it, they knew you were coming over. You know, there's a saint somewhere. There's this. You go into somebody's house in la, they're there to impress you. There's nothing.

[B]

There's warmth on the East Coast. There's no warmth in any of those.

[A]

Warmth. And you start feeling that. You start. I always saw it. I'm not saying it's a bad place. Maybe it's a bad place that I came from here and went there. Okay? You know, but it's also where you.

[B]

Because there are, like, there's warm house, like, homes in California, but if you go to, like, these nice places, like, when I was in la, I did a bunch of podcasts for a couple real estate agents in Beverly Hills. And these houses are worth tens of millions of dollars, but it's like they're an investment and, like, it's just very

[A]

clean and very, you know, it's a museum type of money. Half of them. Listen, a buddy of mine sells houses. This is ridiculous. Ridiculous. The most ridiculous thing I ever heard. I asked him how the sale went. They asked 1.8 for it. I know they got more than two. It's a beautiful. I go, let it go. He goes, yeah, they paid, but they put 20% down. They're paying $12,000 a month for 30 years. He goes, but they're billionaires. I go, if they're billionaires, why are they financing 7 points interest. That's a fucking killer. That'll kill you right there. You're never going to get out of that. You know what $12,000 a month is, dog? A lot of money to write a check for 12,000. OJ was paying that bitch 24,000amonth. Just to put that in perspective. That's like something George would say. He was paying out 24,000amonth. I was waiting for you to say it, but you struck late. But think about that.

[B]

I can't imagine that. That's a.

[A]

A lot of money.

[B]

12,000.

[A]

I never felt at home. That house I lived in, dog, I don't know about. Listen, I don't know about houses. I'm not here bragging to you guys. I'm just telling you the truth. We got that house through the church. A friend of a friend of a podcast listener heard us talking about moving, and I wanted to move by that school section. He emailed the Google and he goes, if you want to come look at the house, we'll give it to you for two years. Discount it with an option to buy. Buy. I just said, you, Terry, you look at this. You know, you take care of this. My niece came to visit me, Kelly Davidson. And when she pulled up, she goes, you live in a $1.3 million house, Uncle Joey. And I go, I didn't know that. This is a $500,000 house in New Jersey. All day long. There ain't nothing nice about this house. Nothing. I knew it was a rental from the time I moved in there. They added a back room. I mean, it was perfect because it was the only house that had a bathroom with a back door to the yard in it. See, if I got that, you could shit all fucking day back there. I would go back there and shit with a bong, a phone. I would just take my time. Then I would close the door and capture the flies.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

I had a plan. But to think that all of us went through fucking hell six years ago. Confused. Some. Some people got checks. I ain't mad at you. I ain't fucking mad at you. I think I got a little one myself. You Know what I'm saying? I ain't mad at you, but think of what they put you through mentally. And you're here today. We're fucking here six years later. Everybody's rocking and rolling. Yeah, Iran's getting Israel, you know, whatever. That's got nothing to do with me. Missiles and all that shit. That's got nothing to do with me. I'm just telling you what's going on. All. Listen, I'm 150% mentally better. I could tell you this. That there was a couple times. How to tell. I had to remind an old friend of mine that the dude you met two years ago, that was Joey Diaz. That's. Hi. Yeah, I want to do your podcast. That last hospital stay, Coco came up. I can feel it. I can fucking feel it. Coco. Coco's back. Nothing I feel like stealing. Not that I feel like robbing a jewelry store or snorting blow or anything, but Coco's back and to. I see it on stage. I feel it with you guys. You guys gotta see it. You guys gotta see it. That I'm walking around like they finally took that stick out of my ass. I finally got out of the comedy communism. That's what I did. I removed myself completely from the comedy communism. What they want you to believe. They knew they can never sell it to me. They knew they could never sell it to me. They tried. Yeah, we'll do a show and get an extra camera to go on your face so people could read the talk. I ain't doing this that long. This ain't my number one goal. I want to do other things. You're just investing for me to be on the road till the time I turn 65. That doesn't sound lucrative to me. It sounds very lucrative. Not just lucrative, it sounds very lucrative. But I'm never going to see that kid grow up. And that's what you guys are pushing for. I already lost a kid. I'm not doing this over money. What I reached now today as a human being at 63. I've never had guys I've never had. I'm not talking about anything. I'm talking about how I feel when I wake up in the morning. I don't have to wake up feeling like I gotta stab a motherfucker. That's not a good way to wake up every morning. But it is a good way because it got me to where it got me. And there's one day in your life that you gotta go, dog, you gotta turn that shit off. Because you ain't got it no more. You ain't that dude, so knock it off. And I accepted it. I was like, that's fine with me. Fine with me. I got what I got out of Joey Diaz. Now it's time to be Coco again. Have a little time, good time. Got arrested. Going probation when you're 65. You know what I'm saying? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

What do you. What law do you want to break?

[A]

There's nothing in common, nothing that I'm striving for.

[B]

No, it's not. It's not shoplifting. I thought it would be shoplifting.

[A]

Oh, my God. The opportunities we've had in life. Why shoplift? That's a bigger smack. We gotta do something else. Stock fraud. Invest in stocks. You know, I don't think they put

[B]

you on probation for fraud. I think they send you to jail for fraud.

[A]

Something fun, something that we end up. Let's make a plan. Like, not for you guys, right? I wanna live like Crazy Eddie, right? Crazy Eddie put his cousin through college and got him a job at the IRS so he could learn how to rob the irs. Only a Jew could do that and fucking look at himself in the mirror and go, I did my mission and shit.

[B]

Were you gonna send Mercy to work?

[A]

No, I want to do something like that. Maybe become a spy. I've been watching Homeland lately. Maybe become a fucking spy. I'm just bullshitting you guys. I just. Listen, you just. I'm looking at life a lot fucking different than I was. I'm at the point where. Who gives a fuck? Who gives a fuck if you thought like this? If I thought the way I feel now at 25, shit, me and George would have Coco and George framing International, Paris, the Village, Akron, Ohio. Yeah. Fucking the biggest market. I'm saying, come on, dog. Havana, Cuba, Panama, you know, that's who we're meant out to be. That's who your DNA is. Nobody wants to fucking step up to the pump. And so I just got the lucky break in life to step up. And now, fuck it. I see it for what it is. The probation, the drugs. I see it now for what it is. I'm like a fucking guru on failure. You know what I'm saying? That's who I am. That's the name of this episode. The guru of failure, I think.

[B]

I think he said, the Google failure

[A]

versus the Google failure. And then, you know, you're the guru failure. And I've enjoyed every one of those failings. I drive around sometimes, dog. Before, I almost got Into a car accident Because I was daydreaming. You know, Once I get to north bergen, all bets are off. I don't even answer the phone. I answer it for you guys tell me there's no parking. You got pork chops or whatever. People call all the time. I don't answer the phone because once I hit McKinley and the. And I make that right onto point pleasant, Dog, it's like you robbed that place. Remember that place? Remember that place? You made out with this chick here. You did this here. You know, that's what it is. And it's like, holy fuck, I had some fun.

[B]

The failures have turned into fun now.

[A]

I just drove past 51st street again. I have a thousand stories I could say and 2 million I can't say.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

But as I drove past, me first. Allegedly.

[B]

That's the name of this episode. Allegedly.

[A]

There was a shootout down there in 83, in 84. Like, I drive around now and I go, holy. Like, I saw last week a house that I fell asleep in and woke up one day, like, I don't even know, some Italian kid, had like a party. And I just went home with him. It. I'm going to sleep in your house, you know. And he put me out in the yard. I don't know what the happened. I woke up with a pillow. Iced tea. Yeah, the mother put it out. That was like, on a little balcony. So if it rained.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

I got nowhere to go. I might as well come home with you.

[B]

And you just drove by that house.

[A]

Yeah. And I forgot all about it.

[B]

And what do you think, like, made this difference? Like, why do you think you feel differently now? Like, you're able to look at the failures so nicely.

[A]

I came back and I moved. First off, do you know what I left when I left north bergen? Do you have any idea? I left in the middle of the most chaotic time in north bergen. Really? Yeah. The Marcos were getting out. There was a shooting by my house. A cop I knew shot the dude nine, seven times in the back.

[B]

Self defense.

[A]

People getting beat up. There was gambling. There was a lot. I was thinking about a story the other day. I can't mention no names, but there was only one guy there. There was two guys there that are in my life today. I remember we were at hash race at that stupid basketball court. Court. We must have been 17. We were juniors and we thought we were gangsters. And one of the guys from Corky's used to come into hashaways. Young guy, really good looking. Italian dude. And if we were 17, 16, he was about 24. He was up from like North Jerry, Fort Lee. The war one on the street was his father was a gangster. He was a big time bookie for one of the families. Okay? We start talking, we become buddies. Everybody's gambling at that time. If you're a sophomore and up, you're putting 25 times in every fucking night to watch a Nick game. Five times, $25 to lose, win, 30 to lose. I remember because in the eighth grade, I was putting those in. We were putting half, $7 parlays, you know, that's this. That's what you know when you try it and fucking. I put a bet in. The kid said to me at hash, raised something, and I put a bet in with him and I won. He paid me, and then, like, I doubled the bet. That bet lost. I lost like 200 bucks, bro. When was I going to get 200 bucks? In 1981, when you're 17. So I called him a few times and he's like, hey, man, I don't know what to tell you. I go, let me give you 100 this week. I'm like, 100 next week, and I'll give you an extra 50 the week after that. Because I actually like the dude I just lost. I like the dude I just met, old man. And he goes, you got to have it by Thursday. And I'm like, dog, I have what I can for you by Thursday, I can guarantee you 100. He goes, well, 100 ain't gonna cut it. I go, dog, somebody from the neighborhood, you're gonna threaten me, you know, all right, I'll see you Thursday. See you Thursday. We're playing basketball and Thursday comes and we're out there after school, 3:34 o', clock, and a van pulls up, like one of those love vans from the fucking 80s 70s. And then two other cars pull up. Two guys got out of one car, two guys got out. Now I'm on the basketball court, I'm playing and I'm watching this shit. But it's all North Bergen kids on the court, and it's half like project rats. Like, I still remember two of the dudes who were there. Ray go. And my brother, fucking Jackie Wacky Kennel. All right? At that age, you didn't fuck with Jackie Wacky Kennel. At that age, you didn't fuck with anybody on that court. Because all those motherfuckers had to do was cross the street and get on that phone and you'd have 300 fucking North Bergen project People running up there to fuck you up. And these motherfuckers like the Thomas family, they kill you. There was a bunch of people from that neighborhood. Then Randy Mergle, God rest his soul. These motherfuckers meant business. They were 64th street field dudes. That's completely different. Animal back then, you got scared. Walking through there like that was like Compton. You needed a rite of passage. So I would have to see Rago Fernie. I would have to bump into those dudes at Blue Flame. And then I could go into the projects behind Lincoln School. I had to pray that one of those motherfuckers was there. The Thomas family. There was like five little guys with blue eyes. One of them got caught on field day fucking the Indian chick in the bathroom across the principal's office. The Thomas family. The other one was the first guy ever to go on Boulevard East. Mug a pedophile, take him to his house, tie him up, robbed him and played the piano. He was like somebody's fucking piano. I'm not fucking kidding you. The Thomas family was gangsters back then. You had the Lucci's next to Veneeri. It was a fucking little gangster neighborhood. So guess who comes out of the van? Two other guys with the dude I owe the money to. The money's in my book bag. You know, in those days, we go to the court and play for sandwiches. Like a roast beef sandwich. What do you want to get? Ham. All right, I'll play you and the whole team. And in the middle of the game, the guy comes out with a fucking chain. The dude, I owed the two a chain and five other guys. And the guy kept hitting the fucking fence. We ended the game. One of those project dudes said, what's this? Let me go talk to my own money. And those project dudes are like this crazy. Stepping up, up here like this. This is when North Bergen was buck wild. Three of those kids, fathers were cops. You know what I'm saying? Like, you come up here around three of those fathers, a cop. One of them works for Mako, one of them works for this guy. You come up here and tangle like that. And sure enough, those fucking project rats surrounded that guy with the chain and Mike running and James Milano. And they were like, he's going to give you the money, but you ain't fucking swinging no chain up here. And the guy thought. The guy thought that fucking.

[B]

He brought a chain for $200.

[A]

A chain, like a metal link chain. Hit me with it.

[B]

Jesus.

[A]

Guy got in his car, threatened me, threatened those guys. I'll be back. I'll be back. Five, six days, never heard from him. One day I'm like, hash rate. Somebody goes, you hear about that dude, your friend? I go, he hung himself. And now to a commercial break. We'll be right back. Cocksuckers. Hey, Uncle Joey here. Coming at you on a Tuesday morning. Listen, if you want to be ready for action anytime, you got to get that Blue Chew Gold. Uncle Joey, what's Blue Chew gold? It's a 4 in 1 tablet that dissolves under your tongue. You take one and be ready for action as it hits you in 15 minutes. Listen, I took one one time. Forget about it. I was going bananas. It was harder than fuck for about 18 minutes. Then it just stopped working. So, listen, if you got problems like me, it's time to check out Blue True Gold. Make life easier by getting harder. Listen, she's not going to keep you around if you. Mickle, Mickle, I'm 63. But if you're a young guy and you're getting dead dick already on a Friday night, how long she's going to pick up one of those dog eyes that are built, they got a dick made of wood and you're dead. You know what I'm saying? Never fear, Uncle Joey's here. Go to bluetrude.com right now. Discover your options. We got a special deal for church family going on right now. Listen, St. Patty's Day's coming. You want to have a kid by next February, you know what I'm saying? I might have got the math wrong on that, but anyway, get 10% off your first month of blue Chew Gold with code Joey. J, O, E, Y. That's code Joey. Joey, There's a promo code now. Write that down. Promo code Joey. Now you go to visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. It's going to come to your house. Nobody's going to know nothing. And listen, within a week, forget about it. You'll be that old self again. You'll have those white shoes, the Capezios, like George. Forget about it. I love you guys. Thank you for supporting the podcast and thank you for supporting Blue Trugold. Hey, Uncle Joey, here. I want to thank BetterHelp because this episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Listen, everybody can use therapy. I got problems, you got problems. Therapy can help you be a better version of yourself like it did for me. I had a lot of problems when I moved here, but I called BetterHelp. We got on the phone for a few weeks. I got Some exercise. I got some breathing exercises. And here I am years later, TikTok Magoo 63 and still slinging. You know what I'm saying? Anyway, you got to answer a few questions to start. And BetterHelp will match you with someone who works with you and for you if you want to switch to a different therapist at any time. With over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is one of the world's largest online therapy platforms. Your emotional well being matters. Find support and feel lighter in therapy. Trust me, you don't think it's going to work, but BetterHelp works. Sign up and get [e-mail] Diaz again. 10% when you put in betterhelp.com Diaz again. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P.com Diaz and thank you for supporting the podcast. And I want to thank BetterHelp for always being there for me. Have a great week. We're back. Jack. He. Anyway. Yeah, that was an interesting story. So there you go. That's how you fucking put suspense in the room. We did it. What else you got going on? Look at you. Look at Zombo Smith.

[B]

Well, what are.

[A]

You know, you won't.

[B]

I was. I did one Jew noise in Foxwoods. And it's because it's when you say stuff like that where you're surprised about, like, you give me an edible and I get up and then you like, I didn't give you anything or why are you so up? And it's like, that's. That's when the Jew noise comes out. But oh, my God.

[A]

The funniest was when he's sitting there, you guys are talking to him, and I could barely hear Lee. But he's just saying to me, very Jewish. That's why I know Lisa Jew. He's like, I'm sweating, dude. He was sending something to me. Why do you think the whole night from my head saying, you didn't hear him going, why? These things got me sweating? If it's the muscle relaxes.

[B]

Oh, you said it wasn't. You said at the beginning of the podcast it wasn't the muscle relaxer.

[A]

No, it was. It was the most. What do you think? But really, I gave UAE the half.

[B]

No, I, I didn't even feel anything from it. I was just. Yeah, you know, I felt like I was. I was highly edible.

[A]

I feel nothing. Listen, nothing happens. That's why I like them. Because. And you don't have to go to bathroom. You don't blood. The next day, you shit normal you blast one of those other, like, the codeines. Lee, I'm telling you, you saw me puke in that chicken cutlet bag.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

And that thing was coming out.

[B]

That's one way to put it.

[A]

I started right here. And that's. That's that codeine. That's why the other just doesn't. I need heroin. If you're not gonna give me H, you know, would you do it?

[B]

Would you shoot up now?

[A]

No, no. Somebody would have to come over like a nice nurse with big tits. You know what I'm saying? Make me relax. Tell me stories like a Chinese girl, right? Like in the old, old, old, old days. George would know where to get me. Go to Chinatown and get me a nice little basement where they rub your feet, shoot you a little opium.

[B]

I can't imagine going, like, even.

[A]

Like they dye your hair blonde. And you know what I'm saying? You wake up looking like Joey Dragon,

[B]

a member of the Triads.

[A]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. They had all those places here.

[B]

Is it creepy? Doing drugs with other people you don't know? Like. Like one of the.

[A]

Like, that's. The people want to do drugs with the people you don't know that you won't see them. Have it tomorrow. Anything that happens in that room that night, you're so drugged out in the morning, you don't even know that you're on the subway on your way back to Jersey. Oh, my God. I ate a rest with a flower in it. You know, that's when you realize all the disgusting things you just did. And then you. You're on the train and all of a sudden you read a sign, get tested for hiv. I think I will. You know what I'm saying? You have that thing in your. In your mind that just starts eating at you. You're coming down from all the drugs. You don't know what you did, you know? Remember that night we were talking and I was shaking?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm telling you shit that my soul had hidden that I didn't even remember. And it was a time in my life where I was living free. But it came back to haunt me because it with me a little bit. I didn't like that. I didn't like that crazy life.

[B]

You were telling me, like, a lot of sex stories.

[A]

Yeah, like weird.

[B]

Who doesn't? What do we mean? You didn't like the sex you were having?

[A]

No, I never liked the sex I was having. I'm a prude, man. I'm one of those guys, after I bang, I look at you. And I go, you pig. No, I don't, No, I don't. I'm just saying that, no, I never enjoyed that part of my life. I've spoken about it. And when I left Bold, I was like, I'm done with this. This is creepy. And it's got to be creepy now for next generation. If it was starting to get creepy back then. Listen, I come from an old school. If I date you, I buy you four or five dinners and you don't want to bang me, that's fine. I'd rather not. It should happen organically and then it does. But if you're gonna call me at 2 in the morning after we went on two dates and say, you wanna come over and see my fish? And we end up fucking and all of a sudden you wanna make a short film, you know, that's a complete different fucking world. That's the world that I could, you know. That's not a person, huh? Yeah, right. You meet people now. Everybody's Kim Kardashian. My friend Bati, I can't, I can't think of the pot. Comedy Store told me he met a girl in like Michigan, went back to her place, everything was good, and all of a sudden the bitch came back with a camera.

[B]

Oh, she wanted to like film onlyfans. Oh, shit.

[A]

Yeah, but he had a mask on like a devil. And she would be like fucking Cleopatra Jones or some shit. It's getting weird out there. That's not what I ever intended. I intended to be. I told you when I read, I thought the comedy, you were like a biker. Comedy didn't mean you were a comic, it meant you were a biker. You don't want to live the life that everybody else lives. You don't want to commit to 8 to 5 and you don't want to answer to nobody. And you don't want to fucking have a dog. You know, you're not road warrior, you're just fucking doing stand up fucking comedy. And what's going to happen? Why are you a comic? You know, I was telling anyone, I was telling you guys about my friend that would go to different towns. I was friends with her for years, never saw what it meant. It was always a story. Where's your boy? I don't know. All of a sudden, three years later, I'm on the road and people are like, what happened to that girl? I don't know. She goes, man, every time she came in, she had a threesome. What are you talking about? Looking back, that was her freak. That was her freak to go into. And that's how they said she did it. There was nobody at the comedy club. Nobody worked at the comedy club. She would go to the bar with a guy from the comedy club club, like a bartender, end up talking to a guy and then he would have a friend and they'd leave and do a threesome. And she'd get on the plane the next day and come home and like, oh, I went to bed at 8:30. I was tired. She was Ralphie's assistant. Damn. Yeah. And that's a complaint. And you think about it, you know, she's not a whore, she's not a freak. Because I see her during the week and she's normal. This is what she's into. She's into having sex with guys she don't know. What's that movie where the chick goes fucked. Oh, leaving Las Vegas. The chick's getting fucked by waiters and waitresses. And right there on the job, right there on the job, they're taking her right into the back room and she's like. And you could see it's not about the fucking or the dick. It's about getting shit on. I'm no psychotherapist, but you know, when you have a daughter, you gotta look into this shit.

[B]

I wish I understood then.

[A]

I don't understand it either, Lee. I pull a whip out or a ball or dildo, that woman would kick me through a fucking wall. That's never even fucking crossed my mind. I think I crossed the line a little like the third week we were dating. And that shit got shut down. Not the regular shutdown to shut down where they sit up and go, here's the rules. Don't break them. You're like, okay. And every once in a while you gotta push em. But you know when you love somebody that most, you don't want to tie them up and stab him with two picks and all that shit. You know what I'm talking.

[B]

No, I don't want to stab anybody with.

[A]

No, it's a fucking expense.

[B]

No, but it's not though. There's people.

[A]

I used to go to that condo in Miami, okay? I knew I did a lot of bad things in that condo, but I saw things in that condo I shouldn't have saw. Because now I only knew there was a narrow amount of comics that would go to that condo. One day they actually called me. They go, when you're here, next time we gotta show you something. I went there. This is 1999. And they showed me. They found a box Under a sink with the things gay men used to use. Poppers. Like you pop them and give them and you fuck em in the ass and they don't feel nothing. Don't look at me like that. You're telling us you look at me like I sell poppers part time and shit? No, a popper was like a drug that. And there was some that you popped and you actually put onto somebody's nose. I remember I did it one time. Listen. When I was a child. This is why you see a pattern now? Now it's something. Now you go on Instagram and what are they selling you? Cinderfil, Jimmy Lemi, this. That for a hard on. When I was a kid, it was fucking Spanish fly. You got a powder, you put it in your water, you drank it and you saw what happened. And we all experimented on one of our relatives. I had no grandmother at that time, but I think one of the kids in North Bergen had a grandma that he gave her. And he goes, nothing happened. I watched her for hours. She didn't scratch her pussy or nothing. You know, They used to be called fuck when I was a kid. I told them on stage the other night and they blew up. I haven't even remembered that shit that just came out of my soul when I was a kid. The first forget playboy. Penthouse horn, the first thing I ever saw was in Harlem. It came out every Thursday and the natives went fucking crazy. It was a Puerto Rican playboy and it was called Pica Pica, okay? And it was just women, tremendous women. Jennifer Lopez asses, the fucking brown asshole. Everything was the monkeys staring at you. A black guy and he'd have like a mask and she'd have to wear and she'd just black out the face. So it wasn't good. When you're eight or nine, you want to see the face you. You want to play with your little nuggets. There was no face you got. You're trying to bang one out to the face of some guy with a Satan mask on. You know what I'm saying? So now you know, it's a different level. It's a different level. And then it became poppers. Somebody came to me and I was like, 12, bro. You give this to a chick, she'll lose her mind, okay? I played CYO basketball. I was a nun. I hugged her one day and I popped one of those things. I don't think I got her in the ear. But nothing happened. You know what I'm saying? She didn't suck nobody's dick. So I Knew that shit didn't work. You had so many levels of bullshit.

[B]

Thank God for the Internet now, doc,

[A]

there was a fucking book that came out 78, 77. George, I know you got it. I didn't. But two or three young men put it over my house. How to Pick Up Women. First off, the guy that was. Listen, the guy who wrote the book, he only comes on October 30th and the 31st, he was like, missing an eye. He was like that chick in Kill Bill too. You know what I'm saying? Fucking ridiculous. Ridiculous. The shit they put us through as children. So now that's what I'm talking about. Being wiser. Now you see something, you're like, fuck, I did that 30 years ago. That's nothing different than it is now. It's just the same scam with a different fucking thing. Oh, yeah, and then you see the scam that we're programmed to go to Vegas and these casinos to lose. We're programmed, but in our hearts we think we're gonna win. Yeah. Like there was a famous gangster and they said he lost on purpose just so he could talk about it for two hours. This looking like Charlemagne right now. The guy who didn't win the Oscar last night.

[B]

Oh, my God, dude.

[A]

He's such a bro. I gotta tell you ladies, what did Timothy Chalamet do?

[B]

You.

[A]

He didn't do anything. But just look at him. He's just the epitome of what men. Brio's a fucking prick, too. And let me tell you something. That little Kardashian, she has no shame. They should just call a pussy United Nations. She's with Bunny bunny. She's with DMX's nephew. The little short guy that won the Super Bowl. We better than you, you know. No, she was with the fucking badass rapper, wasn't she? Travis Scott. What do you. That's a baby daddy. She got a baby daddy already? Oh, can you. She's always out sucking dick. Who's still watching the kids?

[B]

One of the nannies. I didn't watch any of the Oscars.

[A]

And those kids inherit a billion dollar family. Yeah, but it's gonna wait till that chapter comes out because they're gonna have a show on forever. It's gonna be these kids.

[B]

Like the Kardashian kids. Of course.

[A]

What's his name? Mike Turner. What's his name? The father?

[B]

Kanye West.

[A]

Kanye Western. Same difference. I still got a coup. Suckers. Even on a Monday that's raining. Who gives a fuck? Yeah, I know. All right, bye. That's it, bro?

[B]

Yeah, there's definitely going to be Kardashian shows, like, yeah, forever.

[A]

And now the kids are going to be fighting over the money. They're all going to be worthless. If you think that little kid of his could rap, she's, you know, stop.

[B]

And she get.

[A]

It's like my daughter. I don't take my daughter serious. When she comes, talks to me, I go, you know, I don't say it to her. A thousand pimples. Where you going? Like, where the fuck are you going? And she gets the stuff. And I talked to the mother last week and she's like, dog. It's just, she's at that age. But listen, when I met Terry, Terry had a couple fucking zits. And then she went on a medication and everything cleared up. Bro, this isn't just about fucking good things. I thought I bring out the truth to you. She's a cute kid, but all those pimples. This time she get in the car and it's like a lump on her head. I'm like, mercy. Jesus fucking Christ. She had like a lump on her head the other day. I don't say nothing to her. Well, yeah, because she's a 13 year old girl. I know she's going through a thousand things. That's why I would never say nothing to her. But I can't take you serious. You got all those pimples on your face. What are you telling me about? And I love her. That's my angel, you know, I don't do shit. But you know. And listen, I'm no fucking Prince Raghu either. She must look at me like, who the fuck is this ugly motherfucker? How the fuck did I end up with Fred Flintstone as a dad? What the fuck?

[B]

That is a good nickname for you though, yeah, Prince Raghu.

[A]

I ain't mad at her because she did the right thing. She waited. That little girl's a stone cold killer. That bitch waited till the party was good. She was always in my nutsack lurking. She waited hours.

[B]

I didn't know what you meant by that.

[A]

Yeah, as soon as I popped, she popped. She was like a Russian, you know what I'm saying? They just appear. You get. You get $3. All of a sudden a blonde Russian appears. Where have you been all my life? I just got $3, you know what I'm saying?

[B]

The guru of failure. The guru of failure.

[A]

Yeah, I'm no fucking a winner, you know, by no means. I don't try to blow my horn like that. I'm the guru of failure. But sometimes you got to be the guru of failure to get you to that little fucking village. That little guru.

[B]

I have no idea what that means.

[A]

Now I can pick my own village. I want to be on probation. I could be on probation. If I want to sit in my house and scratch my fingers and sniff my nutsack, I could do that.

[B]

How long do you think you'd last on probation? I think you'd go to jail within the first week.

[A]

What do I do? It's perfect for the way I live.

[B]

You can't smoke weed and you can't tell them that. I don't know the answer to this.

[A]

There's always this. There's always. I'm over 64.

[B]

You can't put Drano in your dick anymore.

[A]

No, the dick is almost done. Dick is the dick. One more Drano shot and it's done. It'll never come back. That was 30 fucking years ago, Lee. Again, I think about that. What kind of addict was I? I still remember one specific daily, and I was. When I first got out of halfway house, it took me about two months to get, like, a job. I got him convinced for a long time, I was a detailer. And that worked for a long time. And then I started having to make money. So I told him I was helping out a friend and we were laying brick. And Boulder, old school. He was a white dude, but he was an okay Mason. And I'll never forget getting a call at the job. You have to call, like, between. Between 12 and 3 and calling in, and my number came up, like, purple, and you got to come in by six. And I remember going, holy, I'm dirty as. And thank God in my bag I had some. The. You put on your dick? The cleaner, the pool cleaner.

[B]

I don't think most people put that on their dick.

[A]

But, yeah, I'll never forget going in one of those huts, you know, those porta potties. It already smelled like Lee's asshole when it blew out of the thing before I had to go in there and actually take my dick out, which was half dead from the three days of coke I was doing. That shit lasted, you know, the coke in those days, I had, like, two inches, like, sitting in my dick, and I had to pull the skin back and pour the Drano on it and then fucking zip it up there just so it got into the pee hole. And I still remember laying brick and going, my dick's on fire. Like, what the fuck am I doing?

[B]

Why would you put that on your dick before you had to Go there. You put it on the hours before.

[A]

I was going, like right from there. And I knew I couldn't stop with this guy in the car. And I remember that my dick was on fire. And I finally go, I gotta go. I gotta. He knew I was going to probation. I went in there and I peed that time. They didn't catch it. They called me the next day and said the machine broke, that I threw the test off. Nothing. Machine broke. I'm exaggerating. I threw the fucking test off. And then from there it was just a play, you know, I was. I was Leonardo DiCaprio. What's that movie he made? Catch Me Now, Catch Me Later.

[B]

Catch Me if youf Can.

[A]

Catch Me if youf Can. It was just one of those games and it was hilarious. Remember, Mike, Ronnie told you on the plane that fucking. He was there one night doing tons of coke in my living room. And I was doing that coke with him. And I had no idea. And all of a sudden they hear tun. I look out the side window. It's my probation officer jacking up Mike. We went upstairs and kept snorting coke. He kept banging. I know you're here. The sheriffs are out here. Surrender yourself. You can only be out there for two hours. We got two ounces. We could be held up in here for days. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

So you just did coke in the dark with like no sounds?

[A]

No. We had lights upstairs. I had a beautiful upstairs with no windows or something. Like the baby's room. You went up the stairs. The baby's room was over here. But her window was. Her thing was open so you could see it if you were watching TV in the basement. It was a really sharp place. And then our room was back here. We had a balcony of that room. And the downstairs was fucking great because it was like. You walked down, it was really classy and boulder. Now it's probably like a low rent housing or something because it's been there was probably there 15 years when I got there. 20 years. Now it's 30 years ago, so it's 50. But the cool thing about this, you walk down in the living room. Boom. Then it turned into the little kitchen area to eat. And then you walked again. There was a bar. Bar here. The phone was here. Sink. Boom. Refrigerator. But there was a sliding door here. And it was a green room

[B]

in the house.

[A]

Yeah, like in the house, connected to the house. And it was air conditioned.

[B]

So what did you grow there?

[A]

My office was out there. Oh, cool. And that a view of all the bold. I could see Cocos from that window. And Kmart.

[B]

It's a beautiful city. Like, I could see all the stores. That's cool, though. A greenhouse attached to the house. You didn't grow any weed in there?

[A]

No, because probation kept trying to cut my house. But I had a lot of coke in that. In that green room like a motherfucker. I used to go in that green room solo on a Friday night and blast.

[B]

You loved hanging out in your office. Every office you have, you love hanging out there.

[A]

Listen to me. I was on probation. And in those days, I was trying to keep it cool, you know, I had the wife, the baby, but the monkey was on my back. So I learned how to deal with it a little better. But then I started roofing with my brother in law. First three weeks was great. It was always a great job. Nine, it was a great job because then he brought guys from Jersey out. This is 1990, and I guess Jersey had gotten an influx of Irish people, Irish workers. This is way before the Mexicans and Nicaraguans. The Cubans, well, the Cubans been here forever, so. But they had a bunch of Irish. And we got three Irish guys and a state trooper took vacation to go out there. He was older. He took six months off to go out there and do this roof with us. That guy did more coke. It was those Irish dudes. They started at 5:01 every night we got off the roof, we put the roof and shit on. See you later. I couldn't drink with them. I just get in the car with Mike and we drive home. And I could see those guys would already have two cases of beer there. And the next morning they all come in smelling like booze. But one night they got me out. They're like, let's go back to your house and snort coke. And I'm like, dog, there's no fucking way I'm walking in with four drunk Irish guys into my house. With my luck, both of you get into a fight, the cops come. Now it's domestic violence and probation violation. Because there's two Irishmen cursing each other out.

[B]

That's a probation violation.

[A]

One of them's in Dublin and the other one's a fucking Catholic. You know, those Irish always have problems. So, yeah, when they're together, get like six of them. Also on the old. Once they hit a bagpipe. But yeah, from bloody. You know, you don't need that aggravation.

[B]

They get really upset.

[A]

Yeah. So what did I say?

[B]

He said, the Irish people that wanted to come over and do coke with you.

[A]

So they want to come do coke with me. And one night I would go, okay, and this is, this is how I got out of the house and those days to do coke. When I lived 50 yards from there, it was a two bedroom flat. She would go to bed, the baby's room was here. And I'd come home at night and watch TV After I sold cars and before I went home, when I got home, my dog always had to go out. What was his name? Hercules. Hercules. I gotta go. Hercules wants to go out. Hercules didn't want to go out. Hercules was like, it's cold out there, dog. Where you taking me? I would take him to a liquor store and buy six cans of Budweise. But it was so cold out, it was snow. So I would bury the beer in the snow so nobody would know I had the beer in the house.

[B]

Would you get in trouble if you had beer?

[A]

I was on probation. Plus my wife was watching me like a hawk, you know, she was serious about it. So I would come in. Oh, it's cold out there. Are you coming to bed? No, no, no, I'm gonna watch. At those days, USA had a show at 9 o' clock about music videos till about 2 in the morning, then a movie would come on. I loved that show. Midnight something on USA when I was a kid, all the way till fucking I was 20 something. What am I talking about? But, and then whenever I wanted, I would do a line of coke in the bathroom or snort in the living room. But then I needed to drink a beer. Hercules, you want to go out? And he'd go, fuck no. We just went out 20 minutes ago. I take him out, grab a beer, go for a walk, drinking, throwing the garbage outside, and we come back. We'd do that till five in the morning, back and forth all night. The door would open every 20 minutes because the dog had to pee. And then one weekend I got so high I didn't let the dog out to pee at all. I wouldn't even open the door when that dog was a puppy. I fucking stayed in from a Friday. And by Monday he was in the thing. That poor dog, peeing in the garage. But I let him out like Saturday night. He was in there like 24 hours. He was ready to bust. He's like, dad, you got to stop jerking off. I gotta go pee, bro. I was so high that week and I hid the coke in the sink with like 10 bags.

[B]

How do you hide it in the sink?

[A]

You put it in the baggie and I would seal the top one only if the cops came, I'd turn the water on, please. This is the mind of an addict.

[B]

Dog poke does not sound like fun.

[A]

No, every time he describes it like, remember I told you in the beginning of the show that everything is fun for three nights, four nights, and then you see. You get hooked. And now you see the dirt. Now it's completely different. There's no jumping. What's that movie? Man on Fire. When fucking. The dude comes to Mickey Rourke and he says, listen, if you decide to go on your route, Mexico's not the place. It's no margarita. No. No tacos, no. You know, he's like letting them know, right? If you go on that side of the fence, there ain't no fucking playing.

[B]

I don't remember that part.

[A]

Yeah. When he goes in to tape the house and the kid wants to bring the money on his own.

[B]

Oh, right, right, right.

[A]

He schooled him on what not to do. And.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

So, yeah, so that weekend, motherfucker, I'd gotten coke like a month earlier. The coke was pink. It was so fucking good. I got 2 ounces. I took an ounce and gave it to a dear friend of mine. Ten years later, I found out he was a da Age. No, we don't. We're not gonna even. I tried to put that chapter in the book. I knew this guy for years. Something was never fucking right.

[B]

And you just. Why did you give him an ounce of coke?

[A]

Because I wanted to. I wanted him to take it from me. I didn't want access to it. It was so good.

[B]

And he was an active DEA agent at the time.

[A]

He was an electrician that also taught me how to break alarms. This is scary. When I found out he was setting

[B]

you up for something big.

[A]

No shit. And something made me get the fuck out of there. How's that one for you?

[B]

Why would he tell you not to break alarms? What was like the.

[A]

Anyway, we can't go there.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

The show's not that long.

[B]

All right.

[A]

He didn't. When I first met him, I was his apprentice electrician.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

We became dear friends. He had just moved from Minneapolis. Something wasn't right. His wife was fucking gorgeous and I don't know if she could have kids or not. I was 19, 18. And they'd have me over every Friday. Like fucking. No, like second mom and dad. And he was young. He wasn't, you know, they were both, you know. He was a good looking dude, too. Good looking. And he knew a lot of shit. But I worked with him, you know, I worked him for like a year and I was tight with him and I came at that time. He taught me about alarm systems and shit. And then when I came back, he moved out of that place. He lived in Aspen. Now. Something wasn't right about this building. I went in there maybe five times at that time. One day I went in. His name was Bob. That was his street name, Bob. I forget what her name was. And I became dear. I trusted him. He was like family. And I gave him an ounce of coke. I told him, hold on to it. And I took the other ounce. I sold half of it and I snorted the other half. And then I had this ounce put away and it was my wife's brother's wedding. Look at the kid from Hollywood there. That's what he looked like when he lost the Oscar. You know what I'm saying? That's how he was looking at the black guy, you fucking cocksucker. I guarantee he looked at that white chick and he goes, I can't believe you fuck black dudes. So what we saying? Oh, no idea. So I gave. I went over there on a Friday afternoon, my. My fiance at the time taking an Aspen airway flight to Boulder. And they were going to have the wedding on Saturday. I was going to meet the family, stay over. This was the first time I was going to do something with the family outside. Me taking their daughter to San Francisco, cops calling the house. And it was just like these people weren't ready for Uncle Joey. So this is like, you're gonna go, you're gonna meet the whole family. You're gonna be very nice. You're gonna have a good time. I gotta go to Boulder for a week. And I gotta bring some coke with me for the wedding. So I saved an ounce of this shit. I picked it up at 4 in the afternoon. And before I left this house, I did two big fucking spoonfuls. And I called one of my friends and I go, listen, I'll sell you like an ace. I love you, but that's it. And then he came over and me and him hung out like nothing. But then he left. And I'm like, man, it's me and that house. I'm starting to snort, Bob. Seven o' clock at night, I finally go for a ride. I got everything I need. Wine coolers, God. And I just could go. I didn't even wake up. Saturday morning, Saturday morning, my flight was at 8. I ain't making that one. And she called me. Are you? You're not. We're at the airport. Where are you? And I'm like, you're not gonna believe what happened. I could only make the 11 o' clock one. She's like, fine, we'll change it. Oh, my God, we were so worried. 11 o'. Clock. I was more fucked up than I was at 8 o'. Clock. I'm like, listen, I'll get down to 2 o'. Clock. You're gonna miss the reception. That's fine. I'll be there to dance with you. Fucking didn't get on the 5 o'. Clock. Didn't get on the 7 o'. Clock. They just stopped calling, like, at 11. She knew, and I was in there. Had been in there for two days. Two days. I was hiding the rest of the coke in the sink. I was pissing in a bottle. It was. I was watching the Woman in Red with Gene wilder and Kelly LeBrock. And there's a scene. She runs out of bed and you see her bush. I froze it on vhs. You know how good you gotta be to freeze it on vhs? And I sit there for hours banging it out. Nothing would come out. It's Sunday morning. Ain't nothing gonna come out. You're basically hydrating on beer and water. You had, like, two chips the day before. You don't know what that feeling is like.

[B]

So how many times do you have to go back and forth to actually freeze it at the right spot? Because you're not gonna get it on the first try.

[A]

I was a pro by then. Because in the early 80s, if you rented a hotel and you didn't get the porno channel, channel was still there, but it was crooked. Oh, yeah, I remember, like, wire it. And then you see the guy coming to the face. Then it would slant and you have to tell. Hold on one second, let me get this right. Oh, my.

[B]

I can't even imagine. I have no idea what that's like. Just being stuck in a.

[A]

Did you.

[B]

When you were on the phone, would you, like, think you were going to stop doing coke? Or was it, like, you just knew it was going to.

[A]

I was hoping that I would stop and get the courage to drive to the Apple. But I knew I wasn't leaving the door. I knew so much that now. So I stayed up all night. Friday night, now it's Saturday. Now it's starting to get dark. I got some beer. What's that word called when you're putting it away? Like during the pandemic, people put stockpiling. Stockpiling and going, okay, I'll drink this after 10 I was still looking at a half ounce of that coke. That's a lot late. What did you start with an ounce? Like 24 grams. And I like, I had done like 10. I told you that coke was powerful as shit. The pink stuff, I wasn't seeing things. But my house at that time I lived over the garage, but I didn't live in over the garage. I lived in the man's house because he lived in California. How's he going to know I'm in his fucking house? I'm in the couch smoking cigars and shit. I got a Jacuzzi in the back. I got a steam room in the back. Oh yeah, I had a guest room. I had ever had 10 guest rooms in that fucking place. That's the house I showed you years ago. It's what, like you could rent it for 100,000amonth in Aspen during the ski season. 100 G's. Ba ba, ba. Like Mickey Ruggiero paid sonny Black's rent, 200 every week. Bar. He had to take care of him. The mistress. And he had a mistress for the mistress. That's a great line. So yeah, that was a rough weekend.

[B]

So now what happened at the house?

[A]

It's two, three now. I go over into the house to check it because I got stuck in the little house. I would have been in the big house, but I would have been too paranoid. There's too many windows and noises and shit. I mean there were windows right in the living room. There was a fucking huge fireplace, right? It was over here. This was like. And then right there were the mountains. So if a wolf came over and I saw a wolf, I would die of a fucking heart attack. So I knew I couldn't snort in that house. It was a special cabana that I had a snorting over the garage. But I went over and I saw that somebody broke into the back door. You could see that where the door opened and you could see two sets of people. I knew they were on to me. I knew somebody was on to me. This isn't no fucking paranoid story. I'm coming at you with this story because years later I got all the information of what was going on. It all went down because a woman accountant was robbing the city of Aspen and her husband ran the so called whatever DW in Snowmass Village, which was basically shoving snow, you know, garbage and fucking salt, okay? She was robbing the money and they were doing a bunch of coke. They got her on robbing the money and the only way they would let her off is he made buys for them. Every time he'd come to my house, he'd talk about, let's meet outside. Let's meet here. This guy wants to meet you. Come alone. There was always something. And Aspen had a bunch of drug dealers that had been there for years and they knew all the movements. If a DA guy came to town, he stayed at the Red Roof. There was no fucking. There was no. What do you guys do, Reddit? No, the other one. Airbnb. Oh, Airbnb.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

They would have to stay in plain sight. So everybody knew when they were at the Red Roof end, when they were at the Red Roof Inn, operations closed down in the city. It was fucking weird. They added down that fucking wire. They protected their investment up there, Jack.

[B]

And he was setting you up the whole time.

[A]

So I didn't know any of this. I closed the door. But I noticed that not. My heart's even worse, okay? Now my paranoid's growing. So now I'm doing two shovels a shot. Now at about 4 in the morning, I got so fucked up, I just died my one morning. And they came to the house. What's going on, Joey, man? I didn't even open the door for the cops. I know they're out there. He's like, out where? I go, search around. Came back and he goes, we didn't see nothing, but around the back there's some tracks. I go, I'm telling you. And the cop goes, all right, call us if you have any problems. All right? About an hour later, again, I'm a one. They're out there. They come again. Joey, open the door, please. What's up? Listen, I don't know who's out there. They're trying to kill me and all this, you know. I didn't say kill. And he closed the door. And then finally the door knocks again. And so one cop, and he goes, hey, put the bag away, okay? Put the fucking bag away. You want me to take it? I ain't got nothing. I thought he was gonna arrest me, bro. And meanwhile, the dog's over here. Let me go out, she's pissing on the wall. And that Monday, I'll never forget. I cleaned up that Sunday. I just ate, stayed there. I was disgusted. I finally talked to her. She landed on Sunday night. She didn't talk to me. And that Monday morning, I woke up, I knew I didn't have a home. And I woke up and I went right to the police station. And I walked into the chief of police and what do you think I Told him the other night, somebody fucking put, like, meth in my water. There wasn't even no meth in those days.

[B]

What water? Like the water in your house?

[A]

I made up a fucking story that was at the Bridge fucking bar. The hotel. Which is still there. It's right down the block from where Ted Bundy got his first victim in Colorado and shit. I'll never forget that bar. That's a great bar. I got a job there just for the security job. So I was gonna put a safe in there so I could sell coke out of there. I'm way ahead of you, Lee. We got more stories. But what did I say?

[B]

You said you went to the police station and told them that someone put

[A]

meth in your water. Wait, I wanna talk to the chief of police. And I went in there and I go, hey, man, thank you for doing great work the other night. Thank you for sending your police officers. I don't know what they were thinking. I go, you know, I went to that bar and I sat next to some hippies and I don't know, I was late. I felt like I was on acid. And I'm like, man, tell people to beware of the acid. That's how fucked up I was. I'm telling the cops to wear. I'm putting them on acid. There's no acid. I just have three quarters of an ounce of cocaine.

[B]

Your nose is bleeding as you're telling them this.

[A]

Yeah. And the cops looking straight at me after, like, 30 minutes, you. He goes, joey, put the bag away. What dates you got, Tarzan this weekend?

[B]

19th to the 21st. I'm in Lexington, Kentucky, with Josh Wolf at Comedy Off Broadway.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And then the first and the second at Uncle Vinny's.

[A]

Oh, Point Pleasant. Get ready, Uncle Vinny's. Lee Sayet get the dinner package. You know what I'm saying? Lee gets. Lee gets a bonus if you get the steak.

[B]

But it'll be fun. And I've heard the food is good.

[A]

The food is very good. Try it. And I'll be at the Nashville Comedy motherfucking festival April 18, two days before 4:20. No, I will not stay for 4:20. I got shit to do. I gotta see the doctor that day because on the 23rd, they cut the knee. But I'm back like the Bionic Man. August 7th. What's the name of the ocean's casino? Atlantic City. Book your room now, because rooms are fucking booking. They're flying in from everywhere. Acapulco, Venus. You know, I'm saying, I got a couple of Iranians coming in for the fucking show with a drone on their hat. Like a little propeller hat with a drone. I got them all showing up. So I'll see you then. But see me before the surgery. I'm will fucking have. We're putting great shows together on the road, guys. I'm not bullshitting you.

[B]

It's been a lot of fun.

[A]

We're back. I'm Coco now. I don't give a. Listen who's watching?

[B]

A lot of people are watching.

[A]

Nobody's walking, watching. They don't give a fuck about what comes out of my mouth. No.

[B]

No. Yeah.

[A]

The fucking circus we sat in front of six years ago. People started dropping names, and then nothing happened. Nothing happened. What happened? That's why I love the movie the Thief. When I watched the Thief when I was 18, it set me up for life. Like three of those scenes when Willie Nelson tells them not to lie to no one. If they care about you, you're gonna fuck it up with a lie. And at the end of the day, who the fuck are they that you gotta lie about? And he tells the other shit about when he was in prison, and he went at one of the guards, and anybody who attacked that guard usually died. And he goes, I walked onto the field after spending four months in the hospital, and I had, like, a wrench in my pocket, and the chick goes, and what happened? He goes, you know what happened? Nothing. That's what happened by me knocking that dude out. Nobody ever messed with me again. Like a fuckable. Some of those prison facts stuff. But fuck you. Anyway, the edibles hit already. God bless you guys. See you November 20th. I'll be in Austin this week. Thursday night, I got the Early Show. But listen, they're selling tickets for, like, two grand online. Did you see that shit? Really? Yeah, for like a 200. For like a $35 ticket. But you can't. Because to go, you have to bring your id. You can't stop there. So I don't know what they're doing.

[B]

Yeah. And you'll always be back.

[A]

Somebody sent me, like, a thing on Facebook. Messenger. They were like, did you see this? Levity. Oh, shit. Levity. West Nyack. April 1st.

[B]

Brooklyn.

[A]

Brooklyn.

[B]

No, see, I'm sorry.

[A]

Don't interrupt me, motherfuckers. West nyack on the 1st, the 9th, it's a bucket show at the dojo. And then on the 15th, we're at Brooklyn and shit. Improv. What's the name? What's the name of the song? No Sleep to Brooklyn. All right, See you next week. Thank you for watching the show. We love you. Stay Black. Sam.