The Joey Diaz State of Mind

Summary

Podcast Summary: "The Joey Diaz State of Mind"

Episode Details:

• Title: The Joey Diaz State of Mind
• Release Date: May 27, 2025
• Hosts: Joey Coco Diaz and Lee Syatt
• Description: Comedian Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt engage in candid conversations about life, comedy, and various personal anecdotes, providing listeners with laughter and heartfelt moments.

---

1. Weekend Movie Reviews and Hollywood Critiques

The episode opens with Joey and Lee discussing their weekend activities, particularly focusing on the disappointing experience of watching the latest Mission Impossible movie.

• Joey Diaz [00:16]: "I saw, I think, the worst movie I've ever seen."
• Lee Syatt [00:21]: Confirms watching Mission Impossible and expresses strong dislike for it.

Key Points:

• Mission Impossible Criticism: Both hosts found the film lacking, citing excessive use of close-ups and lack of realistic violence.

  • Joey [01:42]: "You wasted two hours of your life you'll never get back."
  • Lee [02:06]: References the sequel to Bad Santa, highlighting that the first movie was good but the sequel failed to deliver.

• Comparison to Classic Films: They contrast modern sequels with timeless classics like Rocky Horror Picture Show, emphasizing how some movies become "so bad they're funny."

2. Reflections on Entertainment Industry Trends

Joey delves into the pitfalls of Hollywood remakes and sequels, lamenting the loss of original creativity.

• Joey [03:45]: Criticizes the tendency of studios to rush into sequels without maintaining the original movie's essence.
• Discussion on Arrested Development and Roseanne: Highlights failures in reviving beloved shows, pointing out issues like casting changes and loss of original charm.

Notable Quote:

• Joey [05:07]: "There’s always a show to get on. Always a show to get on, okay?"

3. Nostalgia vs. Modernity: New York City and New Jersey

Joey shares his emotional journey of returning to New Jersey after 35 years, contrasting the nostalgia he feels for Hudson County with the significant changes he observes.

• Joey [10:00]: "I come back here after 35 years, and I'm expecting the same. And I don't see it in New Jersey as much."

Key Points:

• Changed Neighborhoods: Observes how Central Park and local areas have transformed, making them unrecognizable compared to his childhood memories.
• Cultural Shifts: Discusses the evolving demographics and urban landscape, reflecting on how New York City and New Jersey have diverged over decades.

4. Aging, Politics, and Personal Evolution

The conversation shifts to more introspective topics, with Joey expressing his views on aging and its implications in politics.

• Joey [11:03]: "People over a certain age should not be in politics, especially when they're involved in law laws or something like that."

Insights:

• Old-Fashioned Values: Joey identifies as nostalgic and old-fashioned, questioning the suitability of older generations in current political climates.
• Personal Growth: Reflects on his own transformation from troubled youth to comedian and author, highlighting the importance of learning from both good and bad influences.

5. Creativity and the Power of Collaboration

Joey discusses the documentary on Led Zeppelin, drawing parallels between the band's collaborative efforts and his own experiences in comedy.

• Joey [37:44]: "One part of it is fate because all the stars have to align."

Key Points:

• Collaborative Genius: Emphasizes how Led Zeppelin's members came together serendipitously to create something monumental.
• Commitment to Craft: Highlights the importance of dedication and resilience in creative pursuits, whether in music or comedy.

6. Comedy, Struggles, and Persistence

The hosts delve into the challenges faced in the comedy industry, using Paul Reubens' transformation into Pee Wee Herman as a case study for commitment and reinvention.

• Joey [56:01]: "He just dove into it and he became Pee Wee Herman."

Notable Quote:

• Joey [53:07]: "It's not about being famous. It's about committing to something and going, you know what? Either I'm going big or I'm going home."

Insights:

• Overcoming Obstacles: Discusses how persistence and adaptability can lead to success, even when faced with setbacks.
• Character Development: Explores the depth of Pee Wee Herman's character and how genuine commitment can transform one's career.

7. Personal Anecdotes: Life in New York City

Joey recounts his weekend experiences walking through Central Park, reflecting on the city's changes and his own personal revelations.

• Joey [13:54]: "Look what the fuck had happened to this New York that I thought still fucking existed."

Key Points:

• Change in NYC: Observes the shift in the city's populace and atmosphere, noting a sense of disconnection from his past.
• Self-Realization: Through his walks and experiences, Joey contemplates his place in the evolving urban landscape.

8. Restaurant Reviews and Culinary Experiences

Later in the episode, Joey shares his experiences dining at Smith & Wollensky, critiquing modern culinary trends he finds lacking.

• Joey [64:07]: "I ate two of those things easy."

Key Points:

• Steakhouse Experience: Describes the quality of the steak, the presentation, and the overall dining environment.
• Food Evolution: Critiques the shift towards lighter, healthier options, expressing nostalgia for more hearty, traditional meals.

Notable Quote:

• Joey [72:39]: "That’s how you live it up in the... "

9. Interactive Banter and Personal Jokes

Throughout the episode, Joey and Lee engage in playful and sometimes edgy banter, making the conversation lively and entertaining.

• Joey [95:55]: "Look at this poor bastard on Instagram jumping up and down."

Key Points:

• Humorous Exchanges: The hosts frequently joke about each other's habits, style, and personal choices, adding humor to the discussion.
• Audience Engagement: Their dynamic interaction keeps the conversation engaging, blending humor with genuine insights.

10. Closing Reflections and Upcoming Events

As the episode wraps up, Joey reflects on the importance of commitment in creative endeavors and teases upcoming shows and events.

• Joey [89:35]: "In the middle of all this, he's going to get a deal. They're like, nah, you got to go on the road..."

Key Points:

• Importance of Dedication: Reinforces the theme that true success comes from unwavering dedication and hard work.
• Upcoming Shows: Announces his schedule and upcoming performances, encouraging listeners to attend.

Notable Quote:

• Joey [98:16]: "Find the slice of Smith and Wollinsky strawberry shortcake cake. You fucking Lee."

---

Conclusion: In "The Joey Diaz State of Mind," Joey and Lee offer a raw and unfiltered look into their lives, blending humor with heartfelt reflections. From critiquing Hollywood's reliance on sequels to sharing personal stories of change and creativity, the episode provides listeners with a comprehensive and entertaining narrative. Notable moments include their spirited discussions on classic vs. modern entertainment, personal growth, and the unwavering commitment required to succeed in creative fields.

Recommendation: For fans of candid and humorous discussions infused with personal anecdotes and industry insights, this episode is a must-listen. It captures the essence of Joey Diaz's unique perspective, making it both entertaining and thought-provoking.

Transcript

[A]

What's happening, you beautiful savages? It's Tuesday, May 27th. Happy belated memorial Day. I'm here with Lee today. No guest, just acapello. We're gonna talk to you about the weekend and a couple other things that popped up. How was your weekend, Tarzan?

[B]

Dude, it was pretty good. I have to be honest. I saw, I think, the worst movie I've ever seen.

[A]

I know. You told me.

[B]

Mission Impossible, dude, it was so bad that. That it was. I'm. I. I'm not a negative person. And I went there. I haven't seen the last, like, five of them because I. But I like, you know what? It's the imax. Let's have some fun. Tom. It was so bad that it's now funny. Like, you ever watch, like, you know, like, Rocky Horror Picture show, where it's like, the worst movie ever, but people go and watch it? Like, this one I might watch again just to see. His biggest stunt was running real fast for, like, five minutes at a time. It was like three times in the movie. He just ran real fast with no shirt on. It was. And his face. He must be on so much HGH that it's coming out. His. His head is huge. And they didn't do him any favors because n. I'm not. 95% of the movie is closeup. Just everyone. Not even just him. It's. Everyone's face is floating around, and they didn't. I don't know if it's because it was a. A Scientology thing or if it. What? They didn't show anybody getting shot or beat up now. They showed guns firing, not hitting anybody. And then he had one thing where he hit the dude with a hammer. And they panned away and just showed the woman's reaction to the people getting hit with a hammer. They didn't show. Not at no violence. It was. And it was three hours long.

[A]

The worst thing is you sat there like a fucking mooc.

[B]

Well, because I.

[A]

After an hour, I'm tip top, Magoo. I'm out of here. Either go give mom a stabbing or go do a set of comedy or something like that. You wasted two hours of your life you'll never get back. And here's the few you act surprised. It's a bad movie. Every movie you go to the theaters is bad movie. You make the worst choices ever. I remember a couple years ago, Bad Santa came out.

[B]

God damn it.

[A]

20 years later, bad Santa comes out, bro. He wouldn't leave it alone. And he was trying to double date. Then, like, he was Trying to be like White Lee. Double date.

[B]

It was with a Mexican comic that.

[A]

You know, it was about Johnny walking double dates. Okay. Like two fags. Let's go see it. And the kid canceled twice or something right there, you know, that's a sign from the universe. You're not going to go see that movie. Things have already gone down the toilet not once, but twice. Does he go see bad Santa? Oh, and he went all his.

[B]

First of all, the first one was really good.

[A]

The first one was really good. The first one, you know, so was fucking analyze that. The first one was really good. Then I. I went. Did the second one. Have you seen that? No. There's a reason. Okay. At least you gotta be honest with yourselves. They get you with the first envelope. And here's the sick thing. Like, I didn't hear good stuff about the accountant, right?

[B]

Oh, the second one.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

It came and went.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Nobody said a fucking word about it. So in my mind, I know that the things I saw on TV were the best parts of the movie.

[B]

Right?

[A]

Whatever was in the trailer. The best parts of the movie. And I saw they were too goofy in the trailer. They hated each other in the first movie. And now they're working together, giggling with the FBI agent. I'm not buying it.

[B]

Right.

[A]

I'll wait to go see it on HBO. My point is, it's very seldom like Godfather 2 is a sequel. That was fucking. As soon as Godfather 1 wrapped up, they were like, dog, we got a envelope, you know, and if you ever watch that on Apple, that's how it went down. They decided that at the premiere, Godfather 1, that they were gonna really.

[B]

That's how they did it.

[A]

Yeah. You know, it went, you know, well, that's. Cause like Jim Carrey decides to bring Dumb and dumber back 80 years later when he needed money, that sack of shit. But when it was hot, he wanted to do something else. And that Gap, you're not bringing that magic back, Lee, Right?

[B]

No, that gap, you're 100% right.

[A]

You're not bringing that magic back. Didn't they bring that white show back? That was the greatest show of all time with the pedophile and fucking, you know, Will Arnett and all those people, the comedic actors. And they brought it back a couple years ago and then the guy got fucking canceled. The old guy on that show that played the father.

[B]

Do you mean the. The Connors?

[A]

No, that's fucking Roseanne.

[B]

Right. So.

[A]

Okay. No, I'm not sure who you talk.

[B]

I'm not sure which one you're talking about the white people with Arnett. God damn it. Oh, yes, Arrested Development. Yes, there we go.

[A]

They tried to bring it back with those goofy jokes and their fan base shit themselves because they were like, what's going on? You're not going to. Plus you got to give them 20 million a piece. Now you're in their fucking head. You got to do those remakes when the fucking. When they're in their head, you pay them a little bit of money, let them know they're going to be stars. But once you got them apart that long and. And they all did ventures and they became kind of semi famous on their own, right. It's tough to put them back together. But anyway, back to Bad Movie Lee. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

Why is it my fault? You just said that you were in the analyze. Whatever. Why is it. It's not just my fault.

[A]

It's not that. I made a. Listen, I made a bad choice for rent money and cocaine, okay? I'm not gonna be shy about that. But you had your choice. You had your choice to either go do comedy or go see the show.

[B]

I did do comedy that night.

[A]

No, you went to one set. Saturdays are for five sets. We're losing our discipline here along the way, Lee.

[B]

I would love to get. I would love to have five shows.

[A]

You'll be leading me. This is New York City. There's always a show.

[B]

To get on. I would love to get on.

[A]

Always a show to get on, okay? It's Saturday night in New York City. You got no time to go see fucking Mission Impossible. Until Tom Cruise gives you a million dollars. Then you go see Mission Impossible. Do you follow what I'm saying to you? You're in New York City, ain't got no time to go see the disasters. Yeah, you got no time. You want to watch Rich Impossible after you do your six sets, then go home and watch at 2 in the morning, fucking pay the extra 20 bucks. You know, don't look at the rating. The rating don't mean shit. These people who go. They get like blind retarded people to go do these fucking things that you.

[B]

Don'T look at anything, right?

[A]

No.

[B]

We got an applause break after the movie, which I thought was crazy.

[A]

A bunch of hillbillies standing up, they're visiting New York from Arkansas, wherever the they're from, and they just happen to be in a movie theater with toilets, you know. I don't fucking know. I don't fucking know.

[B]

But you know, you know, I. Dude, I'm. And I'm getting. I am doing more. But you're right, I would love to have.

[A]

Yeah, no Saturday nights. You have no time for this shit. This is what you do when you. When you. When you cut, they cut your leg off or after you get mugged and you're recovering in the emergency room.

[B]

I give them. Catch up on all these movies. Dude, someone's gonna whack me in the fucking.

[A]

No, they're not.

[B]

What do you mean no, they're not?

[A]

They know. Listen, this is a. You know, like when your parents beat you up. That's a controlled beating. You're not gonna die. Unless your father's an animal or he smokes meth, you're not gonna fucking die, okay? You're gonna catch a couple punches to the mid gut, you're gonna go down. Then a few weeks later, he buys you a new G.I. joe and nobody knows nothing. Write that. Like that song. Remember, My name is Luca. I live on the second floor.

[B]

Is that song about him getting beat up by his parents?

[A]

Some girl got beat up? I don't fucking know.

[B]

You know, Holy shit, dude. But so what you're saying I'm gonna get hit, but not that bad.

[A]

It's a controlled beating.

[B]

I don't want a controlled beating.

[A]

They just want to smack you, kick you in your stomach, take your wallet, take your ID and leave your money to fuck with your head. And then when you call the cops. But they took my ID and left my money. That's the Joe Diaz mentality, you know what I'm saying? That means that ID is on the way to fucking Israel. And in two years there's gonna be a hundred little Lee Syeds walking around here with mustaches and got.

[B]

Dude, that's what you used to tell me. One time I let my. When I was dating the Mexican girl, I was dating her, her cousin came over, I wasn't there.

[A]

You let her wait for the weekend and let the girlfriend and the fucking sticky fingered cousin over there? You know, because you gotta assume one of the two's gotta have sticky fingers. How do I know? Cause I was always that sticky fingered cousin. Yeah, but then he. Somebody's gotta have sticky fingers. And that means while she's in the shower, somebody's rummaging to your stuff. You gotta assume. That's the way people are. It's nature. A lot of people ain't gonna stay in your house and not look through a drawer.

[B]

Yeah, you might look through a drawer.

[A]

Sniff your vibrator or whatever, you know, I go to your house and I Find your mother's vibrator. I'll sniff it. I'll give it a little. Just a little poke, you know what I'm saying? Like a. Like a little coke bump. Like.

[B]

What were vibrators like back then? Like, were they, like, did you have to like plug them into the wall?

[A]

I don't fucking know. Do I look like a vibrator?

[B]

I thought you ran into vibrators.

[A]

No, I don't. This is a joke, Lee.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

It's a joke. You think I'm over here smoking vibrators on the weekend?

[B]

I think you might. Oh my.

[A]

But now vibrators got to be high tech. Like they got everything. A sprinkler on alarm. They'll feed you intravenously. Oh, yeah, they stick acupuncture points in there while they're there. I mean, I keep the fucking.

[B]

You can do a lot of stuff. There's one you can like connect a Bluetooth and it'll sync up with the music you're listening to. I'm not. Fuck, I'm not even fucking around.

[A]

They also the fact that you know this. Oh, I know a lot about this is disturbing. I know, because you're a filthy fucking Jew. You love this shit. This is Jew people stuff.

[B]

Do they have. They have.

[A]

God forbid I give you a chubby black chicken. That's when your real.

[B]

What do you think? I found this out.

[A]

I know that because once you guys get together with sisters and you lose your fucking mind, it's like a Diddy party. Get a Jew. I'm surprised there weren't more Jews at those Diddy parties.

[B]

Oh, there were. That's why they don't want the list to come out. That's why they don't want the list to come out.

[A]

Yeah, Jews don't have that. Maybe one or two little Manhattan west side Jews, but not high level echelon type motherfuckers from the Jewish National Guard. Anyway, I had a fucking dog. All I could say about my weekend was acceptance is a motherfucker. And since we have somebody with political aspirations in this room, I'm gonna tell you something that I didn't realize till this weekend. I always knew this, but I didn't realize it till this weekend. People over a certain age should not be in politics, especially when they're involved in law laws or something like that. It's just I'm too old fashioned. Like in my mind I'm nostalgic and I'm too old fashioned. And if you have one of those, it's bad. If you had both of those. It's even worse. Like, in the back of my mind, I left here. I don't know, I went and I got in trouble and I got into comedy, and I got married and divorced, and I went through a thousand of my own problems, but I always held this area like a fucking sanctuary. This, for me, is like, what, when you go to Israel and you go to that wall and leave a note.

[B]

Yeah, the Western wall. It's a pretty spot on description, the Western Wall.

[A]

For me, this is what this area has always been. Whether it's the food, how I stick up for the food, and how I live and die for Hudson county food and New York City food. To the state of mind. How it took me to the next level. Like, it wasn't that I was better than anybody. We all put our pants on one leg at a time. But I grasp. I grasped from good things, from bad people growing up, and I grabbed things that were gonna get me to the next level, which made them successful criminals or drug dealers or pimps or whatever the fuck they were for a living. It made them successful, but their stupidity got them caught or whatever. I picked up good things from bad people, you know, and part of those things is being nostalgic and your family and how you treat your friends and all this shit. So I come back here after 35 years, and I'm expecting the same. And I don't see it in New Jersey as much. I know that New Jersey changed. And I come on the podcast, and when I talk to my friends, I tell them how upset I am at times. But then this weekend, I did something that I want to do, something different. My daughter's been into theater lately. You know, fucking whatever the fuck you call it. When they sing. Yeah, Broadway and when they sing and they. Fucking musicals. So she was talking about this play, and her and my wife were gonna come on a Saturday. And I go, listen, I'm not sitting here alone on a Saturday. Why don't we just get a hotel room and go into the city? We don't do shit. It's not like we go to Hawaii. Oh, I go on a yacht and make believe on DJ Khaled getting chased by a fucking dude. Yeah. You know, I'd like to see you.

[B]

Pretend to be DJ Khalil showing people.

[A]

I eat salmon on a fucking jet. That's not my bag dog. But I go, let me go over there and live how white people live for a weekend. And I got something up on the Upper west side. Well, not really. And, you know I've always, yeah, I'm a Jersey dude and I love Hudson County. But before this whole party started, while I was falling in love with Hudson County, I. I was an Upper west side kid. And that always meant something to me. You know, those kids up there were dirty, but not fully dirty. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, they were dirty, but not Jersey dirty. Like, so Saturday I went up there just to walk up. The girls would sleep in or something. I got up early like an asshole. I didn't bring a jacket to New York City. So I had like a hooded sweatshirt that was thin. I'm thinking, it's gonna be fucking 80 all weekend. But I said, fuck it, I can't sit in this hotel room. It's early. I drank some fucking high powered coffee and I went across the street and I didn't roll. I didn't roll one joint. I rolled two motherfuckers and I went to Central Park. It had to be fucking 7, 10 in the morning.

[B]

How great was that?

[A]

And I just sparked one number and then I sat down. You know what? I'm gonna spark another one. And that one took me to where I needed to go. And I just started walking, dog. And I fucking made it all the way up to like 76th Street. And I was like. And I sat down, I'm like, wow, look at this fucking neighborhood. Look how much it changed. Like, look what the fuck had happened to this New York that I thought still fucking existed, you know?

[B]

Is there anything that looked familiar?

[A]

Well, yeah, the streets are the streets, but the people walking them, it was completely fucking different. And then I walked back and I did what I did. And then that fucking night, I did some shit. Oh, the girls went to Chicago. They went to the place Chicago. And I fucking. I said, I gotta do something with my life. So before they left, they went to two players on Saturday. So the first thing I did was I got up, blah, blah, blah. I went for that walk, I went back, I was fucking tired. I took a goddamn nap. And then I got up again and the girls were like, no, we're gonna take a walk. I said, fuck it. So I went to visit my niece's husband. He's one of the chefs at Wolinsky, at Smith and Wolinsky.

[B]

Oh, nice look.

[A]

Good dog. When I walked in there, whatever I felt about New York City, that still had it, like, that was still nostalgia to the point where when you order a Coke, they give you one of those small Cokes with the high oxygen so it tick throat and shit.

[B]

Ooh, Like a little bottle of it.

[A]

Bottle ones. You pop them with the fucking thing. Oh, my God. Not even. These aren't Mexicans. These are the original ones from Pittsburgh and shit or something, you know? And that was great. The steak was great. And I fucking. I said, fuck it. Let me take an Uber up to my neighborhood. And it was about 5, and I went up to 88 Street Dog, and I was blown the fuck away. The first thing I did was I walked to Mr. Martini's house. There was a guy. Mr. Martini sucked my weenie. I used to touch him.

[B]

You remember where he lived?

[A]

Yeah. Cause it's brownstones, you know? So I still remember. Like, I didn't know if it was one or the other, but I remembered that his face the park. Cause he would run out this way. The other one faced Broadway. And that's when I started yelling, Mr. Martini sucked my weenie.

[B]

But he didn't come out.

[A]

I thought by now he had a nephew. That was my uncle, you know.

[B]

Holy shit.

[A]

I walked up to the corner, and I walked up to my grammar school, and they're still redoing that. But the sad thing was, they closed that horse ranch, believe it or not. Believe it or not, on 89th street between Amsterdam and Columbus. The stables.

[B]

For, like, the ones that take you around the city?

[A]

No, for fucking white people that go, we got so much money, we're just gonna have a fucking horse in New York City?

[B]

Are you serious?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

There were people with horses in the city.

[A]

Not the people who would.

[B]

No, I understand what you're saying. It's just like their horses.

[A]

These are just people that said, we got so much money, we're gonna keep our horse in the city. Every once in a while, we'll walk into Central Park. We'll get ourselves a couple of migrants. We'll walk them down there with the rope, make believe we love the horse.

[B]

Holy shit.

[A]

And walk them back. I don't know, but we would go in there as kids and take the horseshoes. They would sell you a horseshoe for like a quarter or something. And sometimes we just steal them and they'd chase us out of there. That's done. My grammar school's getting redone. Whatever building was there. But the corner, I went to the corner and I rubbed my feet really good. Because that's where the pal was when I was a kid. That's where I learned about life. My first real fucking touch with American life. And then I just went in front of my building and I could see the people who lived there. And it changed. And then I walked a little bit. And then I go, fuck this. I'm past like, 6,000 steps. That's it. I fucking took the Uber home. I went back upstairs, I watched something with them, and then they left. Then I went down and smoked another number. And I just hung out on the corner of Columbus Circle, and I just watched people for two fucking hours. I was that high. I was, like, kind of drooling.

[B]

For two hours.

[A]

I just sat down on the corner. I didn't eat a fucking thing. I just drank water. And not one person said boo to me.

[B]

Never. It's the best part.

[A]

I had a hooded sweatshirt on with the hood overneath. I had a. My wife got me a windbreaker at target for 20 bucks.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

Because the other place wanted 1100 for a windbreaker. My wife's like, I ain't splurging no. 1100.

[B]

No.

[A]

Looks like you're gonna freeze, chubby. Because it was cold out. But then my wife went to Target. They had, like, a clearance rack, and she found that. She goes, it might fit, it might not. It fit. She goes, for 20 bucks. We took a chance. So I just sat out there and I looked at the people that lived in New York City now. And I'm looking at these people going, they would have never made it here 40 years ago. Well, they would have never made it here 40 years ago.

[B]

So I have a lot of thoughts about this and a lot of questions.

[A]

Yes, it was touristy, but I could see the people getting off the train. I saw those people. Another thing I made is that in 10 years, households will be run by women.

[B]

Why?

[A]

Because men are looking weaker and weaker. Ten years ago, I would need an eight ball to talk a guy into sucking my dick. Today, I don't even need that eight ball no more. I could talk a few of those guys and to just give me a blowjob, like, get in the car. I want to talk to you about something. Really? What do you want to talk about? Listen, I want to talk to you about some political issues and the world, you know? And seriously, you see that These guys. And listen, we come and we go. Guys like me are never going to come back. I was so disturbed. I talked to my wife about it. I'm like, we're the end. Guys that are opinionated and a little crazy and curse and, you know, I'm not mildly racist. I'm whatever you call bigoted. No, I'm not bigoted. I like saying racist stuff to get people going. I'm a comic about It. You know, but at the end of the day, I'm gonna buy anybody dinner. At the end of the day, I'll put my hand out to anybody, regardless of what color they are. You know, I talk shit. That's what I'm trying to say, you know, that's not going to be allowed. These guys just, you know, it's. It's. It's. I see women getting more aggressive, you know, the other night, I couldn't sleep. I got up in the middle of the night, and you guys are going to laugh at me because this is what I've become. I watched, and George will appreciate this, I watched Texas against Clemson and girls softball. Jesus Christ. You have to see what these women are built like. You gotta see what these women are built like. My wife came on, she goes, what are you doing? I go, I'm trying to read, but this was on. And she goes, you're turning into my father. She goes, I really, really. She goes, I really. I'm gonna lose my mind. She goes, I really married my father. How the father? I go, this is the only thing that's on. I mean, there was. John Wick was on enough. How many times did I watch John Wick? You know, that's it. This was interesting. I was still reading the Rodney book all over again. I took the Rodney book with me, and I'm looking at these girls going, look at this picture. And here's the funny thing. The Picture was pitching 70 miles an hour. The girl, Emma, she pitches 58, 61. They clocked her at.

[B]

How old was she?

[A]

Emma is my daughter's age.

[B]

Holy shit.

[A]

So I'm watching this going, what the fuck? Look at these girls. And I'm like, these girls are going to beat the fuck out of these boys in 10 years. Dad won, like, was like a Roberto Clemente type Puerto Rican in the outfield. A Puerto Rican chick, she puts a red bandana on. He was in Texas. The balls, the audacity. You're in Austin, Texas, they don't even know what a Puerto Rican is. This bitch gives zero fucks. I'm Puerto Rican, and I'm putting a bandana on, and I'm wearing number 21 just to fuck you motherfuckers up. And then on the third base is a chubby Mexican girl throwing heat. Throwing heat from third base like. Like Wayne Garrett in 73. I mean, I never saw anything like that.

[B]

Were you getting into the game? Were you, like, getting pumped up?

[A]

You know, they would. It was game two. So it went into extra innings. And I'm trying to read this and I'm watching this and all of a sudden, like, I'm listening and I'm like, this is getting interesting. But I was just like, blown away by what I thought I was going to see and what I ended up seeing. Like, I would never stop this. But I, you know, I go to Austin, so I wanted to see if I ever have to bring my daughter down there.

[B]

That's cool.

[A]

It would be interesting.

[B]

And you know what? And it's funny because I didn't know about this. I watched one of those 30s for 30s this weekend about Reggie Miller versus the New York Knicks. It's like 15 years old that like the documentary, but it's about the 95.

[A]

Him yelling at Spike Lee. Yeah.

[B]

Oh, dude, the Whole30 for 30s are awesome.

[A]

The best, but the best. The best.

[B]

The reason it made me think the best because I didn't know how badass Reggie Miller's sister was, though. They had a whole section in the documentary about how she was better than him and he was not. He also worked very hard, but how she would destroy him as a kid. Like, she, like, she was the best player in the town.

[A]

What was her first name again?

[B]

Cheryl.

[A]

Cheryl Miller. Yeah.

[B]

His best game as a kid in high school. He was like. He got in the car. He's like, I. I scored 40 points. And she's like, oh, good for you. And he expected her to have, like, a bigger reaction. He's like, what about you? She's like, I scored 105. This. She was a. Apparently a beast. Cheryl Miller. But it like, it. And it made me think because I watched. They had that whole documentary and like, the biggest thing that I saw in it was like, Patrick Ewing, dude, he was a tank. And I. And I was watching the playoffs this weekend. They're all skinny. Like, the whole. The Knicks had a thing that you weren't alive. If they were. If you went down the lane, you were going to get fouled. And I saw people get fouled by Patrick Ewing. It was like a football hit. It was like Thomas and now, now. And I. I'm the Nick. I actually like the Knicks, but. But why is Carl Anthony Towns taking threes? It was the biggest. Like, I think players are getting weaker now in basketball than like every other sport. They're getting bigger and stronger and more basketball. It's like they're getting weaker.

[A]

I disagree with you.

[B]

You think?

[A]

Okay, I went to a few live games. I have two arguments for you. I went to two live games and both live games. I'M a basketball player, right? You know, I grew up watching who I thought were the best. At the same time, as a kid, I used to write letters to all the ACC colleges, and I would ask for their training routines, and they would write me back. You know, you sit on the wall, you do 50 foul line sprints, you do a George Mikan drill. And then for weights, they did, like, curls, bench presses, shoulder presses. It was like a standard bodybuilding routine. They didn't really know where to go with it. And I did it, you know, and it put some weight on me, whatever. But when I went to see the Celtics against the Sixers in Philadelphia, I focused on two players, one being Maxie, who was thin, and the other one being Jayson Tatum. As much as people may not like him or whatever, I was blown the fuck away.

[B]

By what?

[A]

Now, you gotta remember, when I was a kid, I was in love with Hudson county basketball, primarily Bayonne, St. Anthony's Hudson Catholic. And there was somebody else in Jersey City who played, oh, Hoboken. Hoboken had Charles Dubois and the other two guys and Jackie Galloon. But fucking. I still remember Hoboken led the county and slam dunks, okay? And I still remember him coming up to lefties, and I'm going, just slam on me. You know, just to get the feeling.

[B]

You wanted to get slammed.

[A]

Yeah. He was 6 foot 3, maybe, and his partner was 6 foot 5. It was juice and Bob Du Bois or both of them, whatever. They're both the same person. Juice is Bob Du Bois. And then there was another one, Charlie or something like that. One was six, five. One was six. They led the county in slam dunks. The strength he had under the basket was superb. And then I go back to a guy by the name of Bernard King who had a spin move that was. It was perfect. But if he got you with that spin move, the strength and how he did it, how his body moved, I don't know where he got that strength from. If he got you, you were going down. There were just some strong. Maurice Lucas, Charles Barkley, Moses Malone. They were just naturally strong people. What's the other kid that plays for? He's still active. He's old. He was in the playoffs this year.

[B]

East coast or West Coast.

[A]

He played for the Lakers for a while, and then they traded him to the Clippers. I went to see whatever team he was playing for when I first moved here.

[B]

Is it the dude with the spot in his head?

[A]

No, no, George. The power that. That man goes to the basket. And I was like, you know, I wasn't on the floor, but I was like in the first up and I just zeroed on him how he got the ball. He was a point guard and he came down and all of a sudden it was like. It wasn't a thin shake, it was a power shake. But back to Jayson Tatum and Maxey. The speed that Maxey had was like. I was like, but I gotta remember, we're gonna make him faster. We're gonna make them stronger. When they rebuilt the $6 million, man, that was the beginning of it. We're gonna make them faster, stronger. And that's what's happened in the last 40 years. Training techniques have gotten stronger. People know how to train the body, how to recover faster. You know, right now, when we were kids, an Achilles tendon injury, you were done for two fucking years. The fact that Aaron Rodgers came back after fucking eight months is amazing.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

And, and that's PRP every day. That's cryotherapy. That's a Chinese chick rubbing your leg. That's. That's fucking constant.

[B]

And I, I may have misspoke. I'm. But I'm not like, they're obviously in amazing shape. I'm not anyone to talk about anyone being in shape, but I'm talking about like the, just the size of the. It was a Much like I, I like when there's one or two. We've. I've talked about one or two three point shooters. When everyone said. I like when people go down. Like Indiana does a great job of. And I actually do like, I like heart on the Knicks and, and whatever the point guard's name is. Brunson is superb. But like seeing Patrick Ewing and you had to go and go for a layup against Patrick. No, like, are you serious? I would be afraid to run at Patrick.

[A]

You haven't even seen Moses Malone then. The guy was 6 foot 11, 2 something, and he did not play. He never smiled.

[B]

And they were throwing punches.

[A]

Look at Moses Malone. He just didn't smile. He went from high school right to the pros. And his attitude.

[B]

He's making millions of dollars. He looks like he's.

[A]

No, he wasn't making millions then. They were. This was the 80s. But then I want you to see something else that you guys don't notice. But I've noticed. I'm sorry. That my niece is in the room and she has to hear this. Go get a playboy from the 60s, okay? Go get a playboy from the 70s. Go look at women's bodies in the 70s. And 60s and get back to me. Go back and watch the top movies of the 70s and watch. Look at the actress opposite the lead, Whether it was Ally McGraw or the fucking girl or Mailman Rang Twice with Jack Nicholson, whatever her name was. Take a look at those. What was her name?

[B]

Jessica Lange.

[A]

Jessica Lange. I'll give you 10 of them. They didn't need fake lips. They didn't need anything. They just walked on a set and they were electrifying. You know when you saw Ally McGraw in 1973, and he's smacking her, but she's got this innocent look, and you're like, should I shoot McQueen in the head now or do I mind my business? Look how sexy Jessica Lange was. You can't put lips. She had no lips. She had no lips. Look at her, you know, this is a different beauty. But then I'm talking about when you look at naked women in the 70s in Playboy and the 60s, they were different. They were more voluptuous. The iorta was bigger. The circle was bigger. Everybody's eyeing the aorta bigger. So women's bodies have changed. We've changed. We've gotten stronger. Look at women. Look at fucking Mobland. Take a look at Helen Marin. She's 79 years old. When you're 79, you're supposed to be at home praying to Jesus that you're not dying. Shut up. She's telling the kid last night she's going to eat his fucking eyeball out. You know? But did you read her Time interview a couple weeks ago? She did something in the New York Times. She fucking laid it down. This is what needs to be done when you're in your 70s. This is how I do it. I still drink. Boo. Look at her. She's fucking beautiful. Helen Merritt, she wears the craziest outfits on this show. And then she's got another. She's 79 and she's on two hit shows. Who does that? She's on that other show with Harrison Ford shooting motherfuckers. Look at her. She's fucking stunning.

[B]

Yeah, she's beautiful.

[A]

Shooting. When you watch that show, her nails are done to the tee and her toenails, when she lays back her feet. She's got grandma feet. She's got grandma feet. Her Grandma Feet. She's 79, but you, like. It's not how you age anymore. It's how you age gracefully. And look at her drinking wine. She's a fucking savage. She's a fucking savage. She told Pierce Bronson last night to check his balls and shit. She's a fucking savage.

[B]

So now I just to see Helen Mirren or Diane Sawyer? Those are the both of them.

[A]

Just me, them two and massage stuff and plenty of naps and milk and maybe a shot of stem cell surgery.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

But I gotta talk to you guys about something that I watched the last couple weeks. For anybody who's into fucking creativity. You know what? I gotta go to the bathroom. Let's take a break and then we'll come back and start this segment. All right, we'll be back in two minutes. We're going to talk to you about a few things. Hey, Uncle Joey here. Listen, Lucy is home. You're like, joey, who's Lucy? Lucy is the greatest supplier of nicotine products and she's here to help you with your nicotine fix. For example, Lucy breakers are nicotine pouches with an extra surprise. There's like a little flavor capsule inside that you break open to release hydration and awesome flavors. Stick with the classics like mint or wintergreen. Or mix it up with options like espresso, cinnamon or apple ice. Listen, that apple ice is tremendous. You could choose between 4, 8 or 12 milligrams of nicotine. Listen, let's level up your nicotine routine with Lucy. Go to Lucy Co and use promo code Church to get you 20% off your first order. Again, Lucy Co and use promo code Church to get you 20% off your first order. Lucy has a 30 day refund policy if you change your mind. Again, that's Lucy Co and use code Church to get you 20% off. And here comes the fine print. Lucy products are only for adults of legal age. Every order is age verified, the product contains nicotine and nicotine is an addictive chemical. Hey, Uncle Joey here. Listen, if you're looking for five where your brain isn't screaming at you, just need to check out Cornbread Hemp. Their CBD gummies are made to help you feel better whether you're stressed or you just want to relax from a long day. Or we've all been there. They got flavors like blueberry breeze. Mmm. Blood orange and salted watermelon. Yummy for your tummy. Their summary flavors will make you feel like you're sitting poolside waiting for Jimmy Buffett to show up. Anyway, I love these little things. They taste great. You know, my wife thinks they're the best thing since sliced bread. They got gummies, they got CBD lotion, balm oil and even THC seltzers, which tastes delicious. Listen, right now, Church listeners get to save 30% on their first order. That's right. 30% on their first order. Just head to cornbreadhemp.comchurch and use code church c h u r c h at checkout. That's cornbreadhemp.comchurchand use code church. C h u r c h. Take a chance. You're going to love them. Happy Memorial Day. We're back. Anyway, thank you for, you know, whatever. I don't know what I was going to tell you anyway. We're talking about creativity, and I saw something this weekend that blew me the hell away. I had always known the story. Number one, let's get to the basics of it. I always love to read about how something was built. Don't tell me. Don't come up to me and go, well, I'm worth 200,000 million dollars. I got a rocket ship to the moon. That's great for me. It's. How did you even get the 20,000 to start this fucking idea? And how did it come together? And about a month ago, I realized Dean Delray was on the show. And I asked him, when you know about the Led Zeppelin documentary. And he goes, go on Amazon. And I went home and I watched, and I had to watch in two parts because it was overwhelming because this documentary is not about the women and this. It focused on how they put the first and the second album together. But the most important focus of this was the focus of how four of them came together and what they were independently doing and what Jimmy Page was doing.

[B]

Oh, that's cool.

[A]

Okay. But Jimmy Page was already going Led Zeppelin with the Yardbirds. He was already going Led Zeppelin with the Yardbirds. The other two guys were doing something and fucking John Paul Jones is on his own planet playing a fucking organ and a bass and fucking. And all of a sudden they get together and they become this powerhouse. But you see the steps and you see the evolution from their first live performance to the third to the fourth and the fifth, and you go, holy fuck. You know? And yes, it's fate. You know, Sometimes it's fate.

[B]

You think it's fate and it's interesting, all right?

[A]

One part of it is fate because all the stars have to align. And if you've ever been involved in anything ever in your life, you know that when you break something down on how you're going to do it, and all of a sudden you get some people on board, all of a sudden everything has to be perfect. If one thing goes wrong, it's like my mother used to say, if it sucks in the Beginning. It's going to suck all the way through. Okay, so if you go to me. Oh, yeah. We had fucking Nick, but Nick wanted 85,000, so we couldn't afford that. That's not what we discussed. Nick had the vision. So now you're going to take 75 grand out of Nick to pay some schmuck that did theater. And everything has to align. How many projects was I involved in that we're ready to shoot on Monday and Friday night you get a call like, listen, the investor pulled out.

[B]

That happens a lot. Jesus.

[A]

Look, it's happened to me, you know, in 30. No, I've been acting whatever, 20 years. It's happened 10 times.

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

And you don't. But, you know, when you get the script, I know you just play this mind fuck. Or I didn't, because I was serious about it. So. But when you get a script, it's kind of like it doesn't have Universal or MGM or fucking HBO on it. Anything could happen anytime. Even with those things. Anything can happen anytime. So when you watch these things, yes, you see things align. But these motherfuckers are working towards something. And they didn't even know what they were working towards. And then through a fucking. You know, he met John Paul. No. Yeah, he met John Paul Jones. And then he hit. Because he did Jimmy Page and did the song to Go Finger. That's Jimmy Page playing the guitar. And John Paul Jones is on the organ and some chick is singing. And then they hooked up doing some work on the fucking film. And then, I don't know, they met fucking the singer. And then he brought John Bonham with him. He said, well, I got the drummer for you. You gotta go see this fucking animal. It was John Bonham. And you watch what they became. And I thought it was fucking interesting. I'm gonna rent it again. I just need two hours of my time. It's 20 bucks, so it's a fucking investment. And they might move it off on Amazon. And when it came out, it was on fucking. They put it on those projection screens. It came out on HD on fucking. And all the. With the sound.

[B]

Oh, in the movie theaters.

[A]

Yeah, it came out this year and it went right to, you know, it was only like limited run, two weeks.

[B]

That's cool. It sounds like the biography of the band. That's really awesome.

[A]

But it was really interesting how you're going for something without even knowing you're going for it. And then the other night, I'm in the hotel, my wife's reading, the girls were doing. It's like 10:30 at night. And I knew it was last Monday night. I was going through the thing. Nothing was on tv. Me and my wife were like, what the fuck? I want to watch. And Pee Wee's Big adventure was on. Now that was a big year for me. 1985, I was leaving Jersey. But that winter, that whole pre winter, I settled in a movie theater. That was my escape, to just go to movie theaters and watch as many movies as I could. George will tell you I would go to double features.

[B]

Oh, the best.

[A]

I love movies. That's my fucking world. You know, you smoke a joint, you go to a movie theater, eat some popcorn, nobody bothers you. Nobody bothers you. Especially up in New York city. Like those 181st street movies. I would go to the movies by where you went once in a while. But that's not entertainment. Those are tame people. What you do is you go in those days, like, one day I'd be bored and I'd go to the white movie theater on 44th Street. But the next day, I'd come on a bridge and I would go to 181st to the black movie theater and watch the exact same movie to see what the reactions were from two different audiences. Like, if you went to a black movie theater to watch your movie Saturday night, you'd be on the floor laughing because black people don't tolerate that shit. It's like black people don't like magicians. You ever see a magician? You will not see a black person. Because they gotta say shit. They gotta say shit. And I quote that black people don't like magicians, and neither do you. No, no, no. But I have personal reasons, okay? I got personal reasons. Cause there's a magic magician who hates me. But black people generally, if you see a magician, you'll never see a black person with his family going, whoopee. Wow. How did he do that? They'll be like, what the fuck? I see that pigeon. My grandfather invented that magic trick and shit. So anyway, so what are we talking about?

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

Who forgives a fucking.

[B]

Oh, Pee Wee.

[A]

Pee Wee. So I put it on Monday night, and dawg, I'm like, fuck. In my back of my head, when I clicked, I go, fuck, I missed the best part of the movie. And do you know that that part was coming on? It's like whenever I see God loves me. You know why God loves me? Because every time I see Goodfellas is on, whenever I click onto it, it's always the Billy Batt scene when they're in the bar. Buy him a drink. No, you're drinking with an Irishman. I'm like, fuck. Jesus loves me. I got a time now. If it's on a regular fucking channel, it's an. It's 52 minutes in. If it's on paid TV, it's an hour 10 in with the commercials. So if it starts at 8 and I see good fellas, if it's 9 o' clock, boom. Billy Batts is a. And sure enough, it's, you know. Oh, you know. Always dream the one I love would come along, you know, with all that shit. So anyway, back to Pee Wee Herman here, because this is interesting. Have you ever watched Pee Wee's Big Adventure, Nick?

[B]

No, I don't think so.

[A]

Have you ever watched Pee Wee's Biggest Adventure?

[B]

I've seen bits and pieces of it.

[A]

But, George, you know what I'm talking. Okay, There's a scene in Pee Wee's Big Adventure where he goes into a biker bar to make a phone call. Okay? Look at this motherfucker, right? He goes into a biker bar to make a phone call. And I don't know, they start goofing on him. He answers the guy back weird. No, no. Danny Trail was in prison fucking washing dishes at that point in his life, leave Danny Trail alone. And he's on the phone and he yells at these poor bastards and they're like, who the fuck is this guy yelling at us? And they go over and they're going to rough him up and all this shit. And they fucking. You know, they just threaten them that they're gonna fuck him up. Let's kill him. No, no, no, no. Let's light him on fire. No, no, no, no, no. Let's beat him up. And all of a sudden, under his voice, he goes, why don't we let him go? And this is like, I'm watching this the first time in a movie theater. I'm like, why am I going to see Pee Wee's Big Adventure? When this movie came out, I was like, hi. I had to kill time, right? I owed some. The cops were looking for me. Something that made me go into this movie theater. And I didn't know what to expect. And I went into this movie theater and it was okay for like, the first 20 minutes. I must have been really high. Then this scene comes on when he walks into that bar and he knocks over their motorcycles after they fucking throw him out. And they're gonna threaten him and they're gonna kill him and all this shit. And he goes, one last request and they go, okay. And he fucking goes up to the Mexican dishwasher and he borrows his white shoes or the platform shoes, and he plays tequila and he gets up on stage and starts dancing. And let me tell you something. The first time I saw it, I'm not. I was 21 years old. And I think something came out of every orifice. My ass. I couldn't hold my pee. I was spitting. I was flustering. Look at this. Look at this. This mother. And it's pure comedy, guys. Look when he looks in the ceiling. Look when he looks in the ceiling. He's beautiful. What? It's fucking the most prettiest thing. And he's geeky, but he's selling it. This is what matters in life. He's fucking selling it right here. Look at his little head bouncing up. That is genius. That is comedy gold. Without saying a fucking word. Look at him. Then he starts smashing the bottles and shit. This is fucking. Fucking Comedy 101. If you want to get into any level of comedy. All these Will Arnett's and these people. Look at this. Then he starts doing this shit. And I'm. I'm lost by that point. Diarrhea is everywhere. Okay, I got my leg up. I don't give two fucks. This is gonna sit there and rot because I'm sitting for the next showing. Like, that's how funny this scene was the first time I saw this fucking scene. And after that, it was like Pee Wee's big adventure, too. And then something else happened. Then he got caught in the bathroom with some kid or something. No, he never got caught. He never got caught with a kid. He got caught in a movie theater whacking off. And then in Florida, which in Sarasota, something like that. Where would you go? You know? But this is the take when he fucking. They give him a bicycle and he takes off with the bicycle and he goes through the thing and shit. I mean, this movie is very, very funny. At levels that you look at me and go, joey, come on, dog. I know you. You wouldn't laugh at this shit. I was dying. So I see that it's on Monday night when the movie ends. They say, Friday, they're doing a documentary on Pee Wee Herman. I'm like, fuck, I didn't make a mental note. I did, kind of. But who knows what I'm doing with girls softball and Memorial Day and barbecues and shit? This was on. And I was blown away because look at that poem. Portrayed by Pete Berman in Sarasota, right? Anyway, indecent exposure. We all went through one of those at one time in your life. Thank God the camera wasn't on, you know what I'm saying? But somebody's always got Instagram, like nephew said, I'm watching this shit and I am fucking. I got tears coming out of my eyes because everything. I want to hear how he was in la, he was starving. He was, you know, going from place to place.

[B]

So you did watch a documentary.

[A]

Oh, yeah. He's talking about how he didn't know what to do and he was part of the ground wings, okay? And then he goes, let me give Stand Up a try. He goes, I'm gonna do a show where I play a stand up comedian. That's not funny. And dawg, he went up there and fucking murdered with little animals and shit. I was dying, okay? And usually I don't like that. Like the guy who cuts the watermelons and shit. You know what I'm doing, I'm gonna leave there with watermelon seed on my neck. I don't need that. So I'm watching this thing and he's doing this and then he goes that he wanted to do a stand up comedian to commit to or something. And he came up with this character, Pee Wee Herman. And the people loved it. And then he just lived Pee Wee Herman. Like he dove into it and he became Pee Wee Herman. And this is interesting, George, because I don't remember this, but you will. And we were talking about this a couple weeks ago with Nick, also how Pee Wee Herman started. And then he put Pee Wee's show house together before the Saturday morning show. He put a little fucking act. And they said. They laughed at him. They said, okay, do it on a Sunday at midnight. Remember we discussed about that?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And he goes, I didn't care. This was my only shot and I was gonna do it. And he fucking. Phil Hartman was his writing partner at Ground Links. Just brilliant shit. And two other guys and how they put this together, the mailman, Wild Bill and this. And they put characters. And the show started at midnight and people were yelling and all this fucking. And he's coming out there, but he committed to character with that little fucking suit on. Lee, come out of your combo. Come on, Lee. Planet the bombardier. Lee's over there looking at that picture like it's Israel. He's like, fucking, what is this? God's just catching up with me. Anyway, he fucking. They just break down the levels of what. And it's never, you know, guys like, you See things on tv and you're like, man, I'm not even going to act because I'll never get famous. Like he will. It's not about being famous. It's about fucking committing to something and going, you know what? Either I'm going. What's that expression? Either I'm going big or I'm going home. And when you watch somebody break it down to you, and he goes, I got sick and tired of my hands being. My career being in other people's hands. He just broke it down to the level that it was the same thing. I felt me and Terry were like, terry, do you remember when I used to bother you to show me what to do on the computer? Like, I didn't know. She's the one that got my MySpace for me. And I didn't know how to do a message or how to put a picture up or my resume. When they got to put your comedy resume online, I'm fucked, right? I would get to audition. We never got it. I thought I sent it. I never sent it. I never sent anything. I didn't even know how to send.

[B]

Well, dude, that's why I was just listening, because I know I've heard of Pee Wee Harmon, but it just was a little bit, like, I wasn't the right age. So, like, I. I'm blown away that it seemed. It sounds like there's like, a lot of, like. A lot of, like, he was really good at. I just assumed he was stupid.

[A]

And he started at. He started at.

[B]

That's like a serious thing.

[A]

He started at the Groundlings, right? And then it got so big, they moved it to Roxy.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

This is what I'm saying. It's like, kill Tony. Whether you love him or you don't like them or whatever. Red band. I got a problem with how they pick the contestants. Listen, you're missing the fucking patois. So what? They don't have you on now. Go create your own fucking thing. What would you do different? If you would kill Tony, what would you fucking do differently instead of sitting there and criticizing him? Okay, since you know everything, what would you put your life to? What would make you pack up your bags, tell your mom to sell your car, move to la? Cause you're that fucking committed to something. And that's what you see with this motherfucker. But then you start seeing the growth. How he went to the Roxy, then he went somewhere else, and then HBO showed up and gave him. In the old days. What was that? They had that show to get on, that show it was like Stand up something. No, this was a different series. They had something pop up. Stand up. They had like a stand up series once a month.

[B]

On what channel?

[A]

Hbo. When everything was hbo. Like, when you hit hbo, that's when you were fucking successful. And I forget the name of the fucking show.

[B]

Is it Comedy Half Hour?

[A]

Something like that? And they gave him one of those, and he fucking blew up. And then he got the movie deal, and it was Phil Hartman, and him and somebody else were writing a movie deal and they were writing this idea, writing this idea, and it just didn't have it. But one day, Paul Reubens was sitting there, Pee Wee, and looking on the lot and going, where the fuck do people get these bikes? Everybody's going around on bikes. And it's the truth. When you're on a studio set, you're walking, you're fucking 90 degrees, and there's these people blowing by on a bike. And then some guy that works there will come by. You're like, what the fuck? What am I, chopped liver? Give me a fucking bike. If I would have known it was on the other side of the studio, I wish I would have had something. Roller skates, right? But it's the truth. At one point, when you're walking on those lots, you're like, where the fuck do people get these bicycles from? He said that he made a big stick about it and that the studio gave him that bike, Pee Wee Herman, okay? And he went in and go, throw away the script. We're going to write it based on this. Right there, dog, you're in the middle of a deal. They already settled, and now you're switching the idea and you're hoping they're going to love it. You're like, listen, it's not what they paid for, but we're going to give them something 3D. And that movie made a shitload of money. They even put him on the road. No, before that, they put him on the road and he was selling out theaters. Fucking selling out theaters. Because the networks wanted to make sure he could sell tickets. The same story. Everybody has the same fucking story. The same shit everybody has. Even though he had this hot show he was gonna sell, they're like, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. Now we're gonna throw a different curveball at you. Oh, no, no, no, no. And that was before this. They called him to audition for Saturday Night Live, and he said he walked in there batting the motherfucker. Everybody knew who Pee Wee Herman was. But when he was in the audition, Gilbert, Godfrey Walker and He realized that him and Gilbert Godfrey were the same type and that Gilbert Gotfrey was friends with one of the producer's sons or something. And he goes, I knew when I went in front of him, I didn't get it. So I went back to LA and recharged my career again. And that's when the agent said, well, fuck it, do the show and then take it on the road. Do a stand up, back down the road. And he would basically go out there with the suit and go, ha, ha ha. Shoot lizards of people. Oh, he would throw out. No, he would throw out Tootsie Rolls, okay? And people went fucking nuts if they robbed it. Because he wanted to make the show like.

[B]

Interactive brilliance.

[A]

He wanted to make the. To make a deal when we were kids, let's make a deal. The guy would come out and give you. Do you have brown shoes on? Yeah. Give you 20 bucks. Hey, you got a big dick. Yeah, 20 bucks. He wanted to do the same thing. So when he gave you the chocolate, people went crazy. He was getting standing ovations, the same story, everybody. So in the middle of all this, he's going to get a deal. They're like, nah, you got to go on the road and sell tickets. So I had to go out and do a 27 city tour. It was so amazing. They showed the lines and the standing ovation. Then finally HBO gave them. Somebody went back there. Somebody big went there. It's the same thing. Somebody big went back there. And they said, what's he going back there for if he's walking back there, we better get our mitts on him. And that leveled his stock and they gave him that fucking movie.

[B]

And did you know this about him before you started or you just wanted to?

[A]

Because otherwise, a friend of mine that got me into the Comedy Store, God rest his soul, Rick Dukeman, told me that he was going somewhere one night and he goes, bill Rubin, Whatever. Paul Rubin's. And I go, pee Wee Herman, really? And he goes, bro, Pee Wee Herman's a dangerous motherfucker. He goes, that guy's a great writer. He goes, I've known him for years, nice guy, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then, yeah, I remember, like the first week I got to la, George Michael got caught like, close to where I was staying, in a bathroom in Beverly Hills whacking off. Some undercover cop caught him in there. So, yeah, I don't know. I don't know the whole story. I wasn't there.

[B]

He was deep undercover. What are they doing?

[A]

That's when you're deep Undercover. You're lurking in bathrooms, I guess. I don't know. I don't know what happened, but. And they talk about this in the documentary, but they broke it into some, like, weird segments. How what happened next, you know, was devastating. They swarmed his house and they went into his fucking magazine collection and they pulled all this shit and said he had pornography in there, and they pulled it all out. He was gay, so it wasn't pornography. It was like men's magazines from the 60s. Guys with bikinis on, pose and muscles, you know, muscle and fitness, that type of shit. But in one of the pictures, it was a. A kid in the COVID and he was like, 17 and a half. 17. So they got him for one count, that they researched everything. They went through every magazine, his whole house, didn't find anything. But the new DA said, no, he's got to get charged with this and he has to be a sex offender for three years and blah, blah, blah. And it took a lot of wind out of his sails. And then he laid down for a couple years. And while I was telling you, I think before the podcast, I was telling Lee about a story with Garrett Morris, the guy from Silent Live. He had a club. And why I'm telling you this, because when I was down there, I met a guy and he goes, can I call your agent on Monday? And whatever year that was, that was the year that Paul Reubens was going to do Bring Pee Wee Herman Live back, and they were looking for funny characters, and this guy thought it would work for me, for me to audition for him or whatever. I was pretty fucking excited at first. I was like, you know, what are you gonna do? But if somebody gave him a deal to do it in LA Live. Do you know where LA Live is? Downtown? They wanted you to remember. I did a show there. I did two shows there. I did one with Wheeler Walker.

[B]

Right? Yeah.

[A]

I went to la. I did it by myself, and then I did it by myself. And then it was there or something like that. Well, no. Somewhere where it's like a stage. I'm sorry, Lee. It's like a stage, like a theater. And I told my agent, they're going to call you. And they never called, so who the fuck knows what happened? And that's my Pee Wee Herman story. But I like that, Lee. And it makes me think about, you know, writing jokes with George in the back of a bedroom where there's no air conditioner, and George just threw the fan out the window, and it makes you think about what you go through and how everybody thinks that you just. I was talking to my nephew before and he was telling me, I go, you know, all weekend I've been seeing these people, you know, putting up pictures of down the shore. And not one of them. I grew up down the shore again. I left for 40 years and came back. But before that, about 10 years ago, I saw a picture of the shore before Sophia, whatever the hurricane was. Katrina, Sandy. Hurricane Sandy. Before Hurricane Sandy, somebody showed me a picture of the beach and I was like, there were people on top of people. That's not how I remembered it. But that's what my problem is. That's why I could never be a politician and that's why I don't believe like Nancy Pelosi and all those old people. Like that old dude with the long face and the glasses. I don't like. Bro, don't gotta talk to me, bro. You're 80 years old. You're still listening to doo wop music. You're out, you're out. If I play Biggie Smalls, the second album, you have a heart attack. You know, I know that guy. What's the matter, Lee? Snap out of him. I'm watching you. You're getting sleepy. Look at Lee.

[B]

I'm doing good.

[A]

This is why, you know, this is why this happened again. He leaves here and he goes back to the minor leagues. Then he comes home to pop on Monday and he gets the guy get smacked around. Now he's been staring at that me with the Japanese. He's over there looking at it like it's fucking.

[B]

I'm trying to know what it says.

[A]

Yeah, I know, because you could read Japanese. Get the fuck out of here, you fuck. Yeah, you can read Japanese all of.

[B]

A sudden those edibles are pretty good.

[A]

No shit. That's why we eat them, because they're good. And I think I had like one or two. I think I had like two of them on the way up here.

[B]

What do you think? How do you think you had an edible?

[A]

I had 200 before I even got in the car. Before I left my house.

[B]

Jesus Christ.

[A]

I was feeling good. I was out of the shower. I had done it.

[B]

Is that the reason I take an edible? I was out of the shower.

[A]

My wife made some chicken cutlets. Not really chicken cutlets. Chicken breast on the grill with arugula with hot peppers and a little mozzarella cheese. It all melts together and you burn it. She stole the idea from a restaurant around the corner that had it. But they gave you too much. You know when people Give you too much bread. It was a pizza dough bread that pizza bread that people think is cute. They also got the best Italian tune in the business. That's how I started eating Italian tuna, because I would get the sandwich there. But I go, I don't want bread. I don't want. I just deal with tuna. I just need a little slice of white bread, something thin, you know what I'm saying, right? To sustain the tuna.

[B]

So you made that with a chicken sandwich, huh? Your wife made a chicken sandwich?

[A]

No, I didn't eat the bread, you fuck. I just eat the chicken bread. Bam. You know what I'm saying? Why eat the fucking bread?

[B]

Because it's delicious.

[A]

It's like tonight I had eight pieces of meat, right? But one with bread. So you balance. I got my protein, but then the bread brown side, everything the other way. I'll get my pickle, I get the vegetable. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

Especially drinking water, especially with stuff like this. You do have to, like, decide what you want to eat more of, because, like, if you have. Let's say you had two or three buns, you wouldn't be able to eat that much.

[A]

Wait a second. Before we discuss eating, I want to talk to you guys about the review. But this fucking Smith and Wisinski, okay? So I know my appetite has dwindled again ever since I became a softball dad. Everything's going downhill, okay? Now my appetite, I'm down to two fucking meals, guys. No. What are you knuckling me for? I live on the East Coast. I want to be a fat fuck, you know what I'm saying? I want to be able to go eat Cuban food after we do the podcast.

[B]

I thought it was a good little thing.

[A]

So what are we talking about?

[B]

Smith and Wolinsky.

[A]

Oh. So I went to Smith and Wolinsky. I only ate breakfast, and it was a light breakfast. A big number for breakfast, but two of the skinniest eggs I ever saw in my life. You know, Again, I'm used to going to this hotel, no names. Somebody always pays for it. When I go down to Texas and you go there and you get the breakfast special, they give you two eggs on one fucking plate, okay? And the egg yolks look like aortas from the 70s. What are those things again? Areolas from the 70s. They just don't give you two pieces of bacon. They give you a dish covered with bacon.

[B]

I love that.

[A]

And they give you a basket with bread with all the different breads, all of them multi rye, fucking granola and fucking white toasted with a jar of melted butter on the side. They give you a protein powder milkshake with like a smoothie. Protein smoothie with chia seeds in it. You feel them in your teeth the whole time. You know what I'm saying? And then they give you fresh squeezed orange juice and they bang you out with some coffee. They leave the pot with extra sweetener. That's how you live it up in the.

[B]

That's a good breakfast.

[A]

Who would take. You think Uncle Joey would take in a bum breakfast here?

[B]

Well, it sounds like you want to.

[A]

Fruit to boot. And if I smoked and came up and had the room service, I'd make them send me some fucking oatmeal. And after that, you go down, smoke and you come back up. Pray to God there's a law and order on one of those ones you've seen 20 times where the guy stabs the cop, but not really.

[B]

That's a good one.

[A]

That's always a good one.

[B]

So. But then what happened with this breakfast?

[A]

It was skinny, it was light. It was like for an AIDS victim, somebody who didn't want a big breakfast. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

That sucks. But then you went to Smith and.

[A]

Wollinsky, and then I held down. I went to Smith and Wollinsky, and I walked into that motherfucker. Like when I said, I want to give a shout out to my nephew, Joe Lopez. I called my niece, and she goes, he's working. I said, I'm going over there. I took an Uber, talked to an Indian dude. That was interesting. He gave me a tremendous ear beat, and I have no idea what he was saying, but he was funny. He was funny. I work six hours. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. I go home. Boom, boom, boom. He was making noises. I'm like, all right. At least you know, I don't know how to do that. Shut off some rude people. You could shut the driver up. Like, that's right when you order an Uber. Somebody told me, somebody asked me once, I couldn't see, and they're like, you want to talk to the guy? Talk about what? And he goes, there's a switch. You could. You could tell the guy to shut the fuck up. No, I'm not rude. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

I like the.

[A]

Oh, what happens? He gets a gun to his head and he can't say, run. You know, that's the dumbest thing in the world. I want to talk to the guy. He ain't got to talk to you anyway. He don't know how to talk English, do you? So what we're talking about? So I took an Uber diet and I smoked before I went in there. And then I. I smoked some reefer before I went in there. I went up to the bar. I was the only man at the bar. There were some people on the tables. I had an Irish bartender. How you doing? Very polite, gentlemen. Fucking dressed. Ba, ba boom. Everything was tight on this motherfucker, you know what I'm saying? I sat right in front of, like a whiskey thing where they had all the whiskey selections. I don't know what they were. I gotta lie to you. I just know they look expensive, you know what I'm saying? Like those whisk. But everything looked good. It was clean. The bottles were clean. I opened up with a fucking wedge salad. They gave me a wedge, but it was different. Had bacon on it, blue cheese. But then they gave me two fucking tomatoes with two onions on top. Those big. Come on, dog. If I get thrown, that's a meal right there. I put pepper on that motherfucker and just started whacking it. I go, let me get a glass of water and a Coke. Cause I was feeling frisky. He goes, no Coke Zero here. This ain't no pussy bar. This is New York City. Either you're in or you're out. I said, I'm in. He gave me the fucking bottle of Coke. Great dude, too. The general manager came over. I said hello to him. I dug into that tomato. They were both fucking those big tomatoes with the onions. Unbelievable. I ate into the wedge and I knew. I go, this is not gonna be good, Uncle Joey. Cause I can't finish the fucking steak. But there was a grilled steak on the menu. And then my nephew came out. He goes, what do you want? I go, I want that grilled steak, like 12 ounces. He goes, I got a 14 ounce. I go, kick it. He goes, how do you want it? I go, medium low. I want a little pink, but not really. You know what I'm saying? Like.

[B]

That'S the way to describe it.

[A]

I can't say what I want to say. But anyway, anyway. My nephew goes, perfect. Now, I was watching the fucking game. I was watching the. I think. No, no, no, no. I think the Mets played the Dodgers the night before and it went into extra innings. So it was Saturday. Maybe I was watching the Yankees against Colorado because. That's right. Cause the Yankees had lost the night before. Even the judge had a home run. I didn't watch the game. I just read the fucking thing on a little tracker, you know what I'm saying? I ain't got time for that.

[B]

That's so funny.

[A]

People are like, look at Joey, he knows about sports. No, I just know how to read the fucking thing. The steak came within like 15 minutes. And it was fucking beautiful. When it came by me, it smelled. Now he told me, he goes, we age our own steaks, you know, the whole thing, 30 day dry, whatever the fuck all that means. I don't, you know, listen, just give me the steak. Let me try. Took the first bite. I've been to, like, the fatty. It was perfect. I'm not gonna lie to you guys. You know what? And you, you have to take care of yourself from time to time because you go out sometimes and you're like, I'll take the steak. And you eat it. And you know, it was a good steak. But they're doing between a good steak and a steak that you go, jesus fucking Christ. Jesus fucking Christ. Like, they come with the dessert tray and you're like, there's no need to. I need a coffee. That's it. Give me a coffee and a bill. Because we don't need no dessert. Next time I go in there, I'm gonna eat like 800 milligrams. And I'm gonna go in there because they have a strawberry shortcake, but it's not the strawberry shortcake we grew up on. The people with the ice cream company with the bell Good Humor strawberry shortcake. It's a strawberry shortcake. Find the picture. Strawberry shortcake with the bar. Huh, Dog? It's the bar. But they give it to you. The bar and a cake and it's gigantic. And they give you a fucking upside down cone with vanilla and some sauce on the bottom.

[B]

Dog.

[A]

Come on. Who you think you're fucking dealing with, Joey Banana? That's it. I signed up as Smith and Wolinsky. I'm with them from now on. Some people with the Irish, I'm with the Italians. Some people with the Puerto Ricans. I'm with Smith and Wolinsky. That's how I'm rolling.

[B]

I haven't been there.

[A]

Find the slice of Smith and Wolinsky strawberry shortcake cake. You fucking Lee. Forget about it. Your Ozempic, it's over. Even the Ozempic will tap out the Ozempic.

[B]

Do they do a chocolate one, too?

[A]

Fucking shooting in your arm.

[B]

What, do they do chocolate one too? Or just the strawberry shortcake?

[A]

We gotta talk about chocolate. They do strawberry. Just take the strawberry for right now and Then move on to the other shit. Okay. But no, what I wanted to talk to you about, besides strawberry shortcake, was that I was talking about this a few episodes ago, about how people look at things and they go, you know what? It really doesn't matter because that's never going to happen for me. And when I heard it the last time, I was like, you know what? This is what pisses me off about people. Because I never thought. There it goes. There he. Look at it. Look at the. Lee. Bam. No, he just had it. Look at it. Right there. Oh, my goodness. Lee. Holy shit. Lee. Look at that, baby girl. How many fucking milligrams would you take, Lee? You would go in there and eat that right off the street. You wouldn't even eat the entree. I know Lee. Lee would go in there. You know what? I'm really, really hungry.

[B]

I was gonna ask if you were gonna do that.

[A]

Pick a Coke. Pepsi. This is exactly what Lee would order. You know what? I'm not really hungry. I'm gonna have a Diet Coke and I'm just gonna have the strawberry shortcake cake because I'm not really hungry and I'm gonna diet well, look at that.

[B]

That's a six layer strawberry shortcake with a fucking scoop of ice cream.

[A]

That's a meal. That's for three gorillas. But the shame was, at one time I could sink that and give it back and go, you know what? I'm debating another one. When I was three, fucking whatever. When I was 400 pounds, I would fucking eat two of those things easy. After the 19 ounce steak, bread, clam chowder, the bread bowl, mashed potatoes, and not a vegetable around.

[B]

No, dude, that looks like something like you order one and you eat like half and you're like, let's order another one. Like, that looks so good. And that. And that's a. I love eating in New York because, like, it was like. It sounds like the service was really good.

[A]

Everything was very good. Everything was very even.

[B]

Looking at the salad. Well, how. How were the vegetables? Did they look nice?

[A]

Fresh? The tomato was fucking. And they didn't give me. Everybody else has been giving me red onion. They gave. They gave me a white onion to really flip. I know George was like, I wouldn't eat that shit anyway. But George knows what I'm talking about.

[B]

That's awesome.

[A]

But you know, Lee, honest to God, like, you hear all this shit. Listen. Yes. There's a lot of standups and there's a lot of people in the house right now playing the guitar. And there's a lot of people in their homes right now in the garage playing a flute. And. No, it's the truth. Some people trying to get a scholarship, some people are trying to learn an instrument. And some people are going, you know what? Someday I want to be the next Eddie Van Halen. You know? And you see them, they're kind of confused and they're kind of goofy, and they just, you know. And one day they just disappear. And then you fucking see them and they're on TV or, you know, whatever, and you're like, how the fuck did that happen? And you get it because people committed to something. They put the work in. They didn't let nothing distract them. Like, when you listen to Pee Wee talk, he's talking about how, you know, the levels and how he struggled. And he was sick and tired of people telling him to do this and to what. And they showed all his movie roles. Like he was everywhere. And he's like, that wasn't getting me anywhere. That wasn't getting me anywhere. They showed Cheech and Chan, because Cheech and Chan went down to Groundlings and hired him as a bartender. They showed him in a different movie. He was fucking shooting movies, man. And he was like. And I get it. You just get stuck. You get stuck. I was fucking stuck as fuck. From. From fucking 98 to 2004. I shot, you know, 80. Not 80. Everything I shot was like a TV show and I was getting co stars. I was always that guy that said, hey, what are you doing in here? Or I would get shot in the beginning of the show and shit like that. And then I got lucky with Spider Man. I got really lucky. I thought it was just an ordinary scene. I didn't know it was gonna fucking, you know, I just got lucky. And then out of that role, I got the longest shot, which allowed me to play longer in a movie. That was like a relief for me because I was like, finally, I didn't get shot in the beginning of the movie. You know, I break my leg at the end and they cut me out and shit. But at least I'm in the fucking movie. So for me, it was great. So I get it how one day you wake up and go, for, how much longer am I gonna be a fucking. A fucking co star? How much longer? What do I need to do to get me out? And he bit into that. And I respect that type of shit. I really do. I just saw what he did, and then seeing what Led Zeppelin did, how it all came together. That's what's interesting to me. Not when you're on a plane and you're smoking dope and doing drugs. You know, those are the stories that have always let me know, you know what? We got a chance of doing this. We got a chance of doing this.

[B]

Right? It's, and it's, and it's. So there's. Because there's so many of them now. Especially since podcasts have been going on like you, we've followed careers of people from all levels. Like they, like some of them started as headliners and are now doing arenas and then some people were doing podcasts as features and are now doing, you know, are now headlining across the. And it's just cool. Like that's actually what it is. It sounds like what we were talking about at the beginning, that movie that you watched. Like you can follow a lot of comedians careers, like the history of it through podcast now. Like it's, it's like eventually going to be a bunch of documentaries about people, this thing like name your name a comedian that you can have a decade of their weekly career updates.

[A]

It is the same, but it's not the same, Lee. It is the same, but it's not the same. If you think I could have gone through that struggle. What did I tell you when we first started the show? Quote me what I told you when we first started the show and I said 6am Tell them at home without me saying a word to you. What was the first thing I said to you?

[B]

You wanted to do it at 6am to get to them first with something.

[A]

I told you that if I was still doing coke.

[B]

Oh. Oh. It would never would have worked.

[A]

It never would have worked. Four weeks in, I would have called him and said he would have been there in the studio. Where's Joey Diaz at? And here I am in Hollywood at the Comedy Store in some hotel room with a chick.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So for me, podcasting showed up when it did.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Do you follow me? If it would have showed up five years earlier, it would have never happened, right? No, no, no. There's no way I would have spoke about my drug problem at the time because I thought it would have ended my career. But at the same time, it would have. Looking back, if the podcast would have came in 2005 and I showed them how low I was and then quit in 2007 and stuck to it, I'd be Dr. Phil. Yeah, I'd be Dr. Phil right now, if you think about it.

[B]

Oh, my God. And there are some people who are that honest on podcasts and I'm not saying like, yeah, obviously, like there was a lot of luck that to make a successful podcast. But if you just look at the, you know, the top 20 comedy podcasts out there, most of them are like getting to be about 10 years old now. And like you, you have. And to say career update was like just a minor part of what you have. For a lot of comedy podcasts you have like, it's like a diary of that person for 10 years. It's like it, I. We don't even realize what, what we've done. It's like really crazy.

[A]

I'll tell you who has a diary in this podcast and you'll never think about it. That's my daughter.

[B]

Yeah, dude.

[A]

Because when we started the podcast, we started in her bedroom and she wasn't around two months. My wife, like, I'm pregnant. You guys gotta get the fuck outta here. I mean, we got a two bedroom. Like when we moved, it was Thanksgiving or 2009. We go, you know what, let's get the fuck outta here. Everything was changing in Hollywood. Fucking when you got up at night, like when we moved to Hollywood, you'd hear, ah, you know, you'd hear a gunshot every three weeks or something. No, by 2004, it was boom, boom, boom. And we were surrounded. We were right in the middle of Hollywood and all these rooftop bars were opening up, plus these backyard. Everything went outside. So you go pee at 3 in the morning. Oh my God. If my window was open, you walked in the bathroom and it would just fucking boom, boom. It's a small bathroom. So I was down there. So we were like, we gotta get the fuck out of here. Never forget my wife calling me, go, listen. We just lived in a place for fucking nine years and we barely made 800amonth rent. The only place I found is one bedroom for $1,200. But I found the place on a street called Cumston by a horse stable or something for 1350. She goes, Joey, if we get. This is going to be a big commitment. Think about it for two days. What do you want to do? And I'm like, you know what? I got to put my big boy pants on. I can't store coke. By that time I was two or three years clean already. I was three years clean. I'm like, let's put our big boy pants on. And we got a two bedroom. Because at the time, I didn't know what was gonna happen. I didn't know if your older daughter was gonna come out to California and play softball. I Didn't know if Mike Ronnie's daughter was thinking of going to USC or some shit. Lisa Massina's. I had like four moms calling me, going, hey, I'm gonna talk to you about something. My daughter just got accepted to UC Berkeley. How far is that from you? I don't fucking know. It's in Berkeley. I don't know. So I got the extra bedroom, thinking somebody was going to move in. In the back of my head, I'm like, this is my turn to help somebody the way somebody helped me when I was growing up. Somebody's gonna call me and go, joey, my daughter is going to school out there and she's gonna live an hour from here just to be sure. Can she stay in the bedroom? Absolutely. But the whole podcast thing popped up. We get the fucking podcast room, we're just getting started, and all of a sudden my wife gets knocked up fucking two months later. And she's like, you could stay like another month, but then you gotta go. Cause I gotta clean this room and sanitize it. You and this fucking Jew in here telling you disgusting stories. I remember we started the podcast and that thing and we brought my old podcast host in. Remember when she came in one morning, I'm not coming in and take pictures. And she came in and the content we were talking about on that podcast and the content we were talking about now in my daughter's future bedroom was two different worlds. That poor lady, when it got, she called me later, she goes, that was very interesting. I go, fuck yeah. That's what a podcast is. A motherfucker throwing his fucking heart out, letting people know that I fucked up. What do you want from me? You want me to sit in my bedrooms with the fucking curtains drawn? I gotta get outta here. I made a mistake. So what? And that's the same thing Pee Wee Herman did. He got. He didn't make a mistake. They nailed him. And then once you come out in Hollywood, like, listen, I could tell somebody that, hey, Lee plays with four year old boys. Jesus Christ.

[B]

How will we not say that?

[A]

We'll scratch that. But yeah, Lee plays an eight year old boy.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Oh, good Lord. Me saying that and somebody saying that we broke into Lee's house with a warrant looking for child pedophile material. That's two different things. That means every endorsement, everything, you go home and there's one last check, and you're lucky you got that. It's like, don't call us, cast a check. Have your mother cast a check for us. We're Too embarrassed, you know what I'm saying? Like, that's it. You lose everything. Everything goes out the fucking window. And that's what happened there. And then it took years to overturn whatever happened. And then he started doing his thing again. But it was interesting and I'm not gonna spoil the beans here. Watch the documentary, see what you get out of it. He was very honest. He was very real. And, man, he touched me. Like, it was like. Not like fucking, you know, but he touched me in the sense that he told the struggle and how it's supposed to be. It just didn't happen. Like, can you imagine Saturday Night Live calling you and going, lee, this is when Saturday Night Live was Saturday Night Live.

[B]

Right?

[A]

Again, for the cheap sheets. Tell them, George.

[B]

In like the 80s. Yeah, it was. It was like the height of.

[A]

Was you and Lawrence Taylor, right? It was Saturday Night Live and Lawrence Taylor, after Saturday Night Live, they have that little party and then those kids go into the Village, they just walk around like Brad Pitt naked. College students come up to sucking that yum yum stick. And the girls, you know, it's insane. And the same thing with like Lawrence Taylor. That's how big their personalities were, right? You know, and at that time, it was a television. Every Saturday, that generation was home watching Sinai Live. He was doing all this work in LA and he comes to New York and he fucking, what are you? You've been to fucking things where you showcased. Now those are little things. Can you imagine the magnitude of you going into something thinking, finally me and my girlfriend could get out of that one bedroom basement and live like normal people? Think how much pressure that does to your psyche when you go in there.

[B]

Do you know, did he say if he saw Gilbert before or after he auditioned?

[A]

He said he saw him at the audition when he walked in. Listen, I'm not going to sit here and tell you how many times I can't even remember, but how many times did I had. How many times did anybody in this room or anybody who's listening to this podcast go into a tryout for a team or a fucking job interview where they're like, you got this. Your uncle's sending you in there. Yeah, he knows the guy that drives the truck. His cousin is married to the sister. And you're like, yeah. And you go somewhere and all of a sudden there's a fucking. It's a wild reckoning for you. You went in there thinking, I got this. And also, how many tryouts did you go as a kid thinking, I got this. And all Of a sudden, some kid from Edison in Union City with a fake birth certificate comes up and he's jumping over you. Next thing you know, you see his family drive up with his wife and the kids. He's fucking 16 with a family and shit. Meanwhile, he's playing bitty basketball. Slam Duncan backwards and shit. You know, that always happened as a kid where you thought you had a position. You thought you had something. At the last minute, they throw somebody else in. If you're in a career, get ready for that. Where you think you got it licked? They already took you out to dinner. They signed the contract. You ever see the Green Book? It's been on a lot lately. You ever see the movie the Green Book?

[B]

Yeah, of course.

[A]

The guy who. They take his hat.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The gangster.

[A]

The gangster, they take his hat. He ever seen the Green Book? No. They take that guy's hat. That guy was the original Don Johnson. They signed him on a Monday. Don Johnson came in on a Friday. They had already given him $750,000. Once they found Don Johnson, they said, keep it.

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll call you. And that's what happens sometimes. He had the job on Monday.

[B]

You don't have the job until he had the job.

[A]

Shane Gillis had the job on Tuesday morning. And on Wednesday, some Chinese kid sends a telegram and now you're done. You know what I'm saying? It's you on the phone ordering Chinese food, and the kid sends a telegram and tapes you. That happens to everybody. And it's not how it happens or what happened. It's how you handle that fucking obstacle sometimes. And Pee Wee handled it. You know, Led Zeppelin got hit with drugs and God knows what else. Stamenka juice, hepatitis. They were onto a different level of sex, drugs and rock and roll and nine albums. There's people today who can't keep stay together for three albums. And not just. And Led Zeppelin really did 10 albums. I don't count Cota, because by that time I was off the reservation. But nine albums. Tell me about a band today that's got nine fucking albums. Four different personalities that are fucking stronger than debt.

[B]

Right?

[A]

And that's what I like to see. That's why comedy is so much easier than music. Because I gotta deal with four of you motherfuckers. You might come in and go, I don't really like my guitar work on that. What do you mean? We already laid the album down. Yeah, I want to play a violin and blow a sparkle out of my ass at the same time to get the full effect, okay? Now I got to deal with this fucking hump. When I do comedy, I'm the Captain Kirk of the Enterprise. That's why comedy's so strong, because I make the decision. I'm the fucking man in charge. I'm the producer, the director. And you got all these people going, I'm a director. I'm a producer. You haven't done dick. Shut the fuck up. You haven't done dick until you become a stand up comedian at all levels. You're a producer, you're a writer, you're a director, you're an arranger, you're a promoter. How are these people gonna get in? What are they gonna do? What are you gonna pay? You gonna hire a publicist for $8,000 a month? Yeah. Good luck, bitch. Good luck. So what are you gonna do? You gotta go out in the streets and pass out flyers when you believe that much in yourself, but it's 20, 25. You don't have to go out there and pass out flyers and be a politician. There's the Internet and there's different ways. There's a thousand different platforms. So what the fuck are we talking about here? Let's take another edible and call it a night. Happy Memorial Day, you fucking savages. It's going to be a great week here. Lee's in Pluto again. As you could tell, I'm doing fine. Because every fucking week he goes off and he plays. He plays. Look at him, he knows. No, no, he goes. I did some. I called him Saturday morning. Oh, no. Sunday morning, he sounded like Medusa. What's the matter, Lee? We did some medibles and went to see Mission impossible. How many milligrams did you do, Lee? 50.

[B]

No, I didn't. I did not do 50. I did, I think 200.

[A]

No, you did not.

[B]

But not. Not the abxes.

[A]

You did that other tamiki. No, you didn't do no ABXs. And the sad thing is, you have ABXs.

[B]

I can't walk around.

[A]

You understand me, Ladies and gentlemen? Don't just think. I ride them.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

For no reason. Here's a guy, he goes to a dispensary in New York where it's a bunch of kids. You ever see those kids? It's like the kids who wait in line for pizza and they're smoking a vapor pen. And one takes three hits. You're crazy. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You took three hits. It's gonna happen to you. What are you talking about? I Just ate a cockroach before I got here. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

No.

[A]

When you're out here.

[B]

But the difference is, I can't Uber everywhere.

[A]

I can't Uber everywhere.

[B]

Listen, if I took 200 of ABX, I'm not walking anywhere.

[A]

You go into a fucking movie theater, okay? It's an Uber to the movie theater, up the fucking escalator, to your chick. You send your wife to get the fucking popcorn. You sit down. Okay? Tell me the Uber. Tell me what bullshit you're encountering.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

You have to have a whole lot of movie finishes. 200 the last eight days.

[A]

And you go, so now you're telling me you ate a bogus 200.

[B]

I need a bogus two.

[A]

You ate a fucking fugazi. You ate a Fugazi.

[B]

A medical 200.

[A]

Medical. What? Medical. What doctor gave it to the name of. Let me see the doctor's name.

[B]

Oh, I can find it.

[A]

You bought it. And some guy on the west side, again, some guy eats 5 milligrams and he had to go to therapy. It opened up my ways. My chakras will never be the same again. No, you gotta fight. You wanna listen. You gotta sharpen metal with metal. And this is why. You go through this every Monday. It's this breakdown.

[B]

I'm not going through. Who's going through a breakdown? I'm doing fine. I do get really fucked up.

[A]

Caught you staring at the Japanese four fucking times. You thought Godzilla was over my shoulder. I had to look over like, what the fuck is going on with this dunce?

[B]

You never know when he's gonna pop up.

[A]

And he was petrified. Look at that Godzilla. I'm like. And now I just caught you nodding. You were sleeping before.

[B]

I was not sleeping.

[A]

You were doing something. I saw a drool on your beard. I don't know. I don't know. Ladies and gentlemen. This is why you people get mad at me, but you don't know what I live with. Then he shows up every Monday.

[B]

I just showed.

[A]

And he's got 100 milligrams at the house.

[B]

Yeah, but, dude, I can't take those every day. They're very good. They're too good.

[A]

But then you can't come here and be like, you know, mom, what am I doing?

[B]

I'm not foaming at the mountain.

[A]

You're foaming at the mountain. You're foaming. You're like one of those autistic kids in Jersey. You're all fucked up.

[B]

I am in Jersey.

[A]

It's like, I'm at a hot dog stand in North Jersey with that kid with the whistle.

[B]

I wish I had a whistle. I would blow that whistle all the goddamn time.

[A]

40 years old with a Mickey Mouse shirt. What the. Lose the. No more insignia. What the. What is that?

[B]

It's Bucky's. All my Texas people will.

[A]

Bucky, gas station. What's next?

[B]

What?

[A]

Save that shirt. Take that shirt with your orange sneakers and fucking just put them in the Austin thing. And you could be like Bert Kreischer. Every time you go into a different town, you bring up a cowboy hat. Next time you got a vest with the Bucky. He said, I gotta live with ladies.

[B]

People like this shirt everywhere.

[A]

And I'm not being disrespectful to Fucking disrespectful. I'm not being disrespectful.

[B]

You might not be able to look.

[A]

At this fucking guy. He's a grown man.

[B]

A lot of people. Bucky.

[A]

Bucky. Fuck.

[B]

Dude, you can buy Buckies everything.

[A]

He lives in New York. He wants to know why he's gonna get mugged. Right there. Right there. Wouldn't you mug this guy?

[B]

I'm more likely to get a hole.

[A]

If you saw this shirt on. Come off. People wanting a Bucky shirt on, wouldn't you kick him in the stomach?

[B]

Love Bucky's. You don't even know.

[A]

I know people from Texas love Bucky.

[B]

Yeah. They wanna know why. Because it's fucking awesome. Don't disrespect Bucky.

[A]

I understand, but a black dude with hunger and food stamps doesn't know about Bucky. He sees that shirt and he goes, look at this fucking pigeon right here.

[B]

I guarantee that guy.

[A]

Look at this guy. He's gotta have 50 fucking bucks. He just came from a Bucky festival. I'm gonna kick him in his Bucky and I'm gonna take everything he's got. This fucking half a fruitcake. Lose that shirt, please. You're a grown man.

[B]

I like this shirt.

[A]

No. Wear it. When you're in Texas, you can sell 18.

[B]

I'm only wearing Buckies.

[A]

You can take a picture in Texas eating barbecue. That's how you sell tickets. But for you to wear that shirt in fucking Jersey when you live in New York City, you're gonna get the shit kicked out of your life.

[B]

Why?

[A]

Why do you think? Every night I pray. Every night I get out my hands.

[B]

And this is how pussy they are.

[A]

If I put my sleep apnea mask on, I get on my hands and knees and go, God, tonight, please don't Let my phone ring. Don't let my phone ring when Lee getting kicked. Cause somebody's gonna. Even a Hasidic Jew, even one of those Haseeds. When things get bad before they move to Jackson, New Jersey, and they got a getaway, they're going to kick you in the fucking stomach and take something from you. And that shirt is a giveaway. So knock it off. That's what I'm talking about. Men don't wear those shirts.

[B]

It's a men's shirt. What are you talking about?

[A]

Wear it when you're in Texas. Men don't wear that shirt. Especially in New York City, you know? And especially where you go to do comedy. You're going to get beat up here.

[B]

Rules, dude. This is a whole new brand of rules that I can only wear a certain rule. Dude, they have Buc EE's in Florida. They have Buc EE's everywhere now.

[A]

I understand, Lee, but you're a grown man. You live in Harlem.

[B]

Who cares?

[A]

Okay? There's no buckies in Harlem. Go ahead. Hey, nephew number one. Go ahead. Google Buc ee's in Harlem. All right? This is what I'm talking about. There ain't no BUC EE's in fucking Harlem, Lee. So please. Why you offending me? Who's offending me? This is the shit that worries me at night. This is the shit that. Look. Look what you get for BUC EE's. Those two. What does that mean? Somebody's getting fucked and. Open. Somebody's getting fucked and. Oh, cool. Oh, look at them. Look at them.

[B]

He didn't smell right. And he said, well, Buckeyes, look at these beauties.

[A]

That's Bucky Buchanan. Look at this beauty. There you go. That's your buddy, Bucky.

[B]

C E E S. Seymour.

[A]

Look at this poor bastard on Instagram jumping up and down. Hi, Bucky. This is what I'm talking about, ladies and gentlemen. I'm just trying to raise my fucking. This is the closest thing I have to a son.

[B]

I don't know why.

[A]

And he's got a Bucky fucking shirt on. Okay?

[B]

This is not what.

[A]

You might as well put a fucking Boston Red Sox shirt on and walk around New York City.

[B]

Why would I do. I want to get. I don't want to get killed.

[A]

Okay, then, Nick, you're on the difference. Bucky. Boston Red Sox, they both start with a B, okay?

[B]

What?

[A]

What? Yeah, what? Cocksuck.

[B]

The fact that the Buc ee's gas station is chain in Boston. Motox.

[A]

Listen, Enough. What are you going to do you.

[B]

Can'T get me all riled up and then say, enough.

[A]

Let me get you wild up. All right, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Yeah. Have another time. No, this is the light one. This.

[B]

Oh, it's not. I hit eight of them. I'm good on edibles.

[A]

Bucky. But he ain't in the Bronx. That's where. He's in Iowa. He's in the Texas. He's in Richmond, Virginia, at a gas station. He's in Sant Augustine, Florida. Nowhere does it say, the boogie down motherfucker Bronx. Or nowhere does it say close to Kara's house around Dominican people. Okay. Cause they would stab you 18 fucking times, Bucky. No disrespect to Bucky of Texas. I gotta toughen this kid up. He's walking around with these black Jew killer sneakers and fucking a buc ee shirt on. It's not gonna work out for him. All right? Anyway, where are you gonna be this weekend, Tarzan?

[B]

This weekend I'm going to be in Virginia.

[A]

That's where you're going to be. Fucking Sing Sing with a buc EE's fucking cast on your own. Look at it. It looks like Lee. Bucky. Look at. Look at Bucky right there. Where are you going to be at this weekend?

[B]

I'll be in Virginia with Josh Wolf.

[A]

When do you go?

[B]

Friday and Saturday.

[A]

Oh, you're doing mushroom Friday?

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Absolutely. You're going to get one of those hemophiliac mushrooms.

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

Yeah. Eat them with honey because they're not bad. But by the time you get in the back next week, the shipment is on the way. You understand me? And this ain't coming from California. I got a migrant with a backpack bringing me a bag on ice. You love those. These are good. Did I tell you that thing in my ear? So last week I went. The doctor again says to me, tremendous story. He goes, joey, I don't really want to do surgery. I want this thing to fall on its own. He goes, I ordered this special stuff. It's like a cement. It's going to lock in your ear. And then we'll go at it a different direction. He puts it on. I don't look at it. He puts a band aid on. I fucking take the band aid off. It's this big white thing on my ear, right? And I'm like, oh, about day one, you know me, I love my showers for two days. Everything was beautiful. I went and I did that, whatever the fuck. And I shot home like, I can't leave the house like this. Let Me wash one more time. I took a shower and I had the shampoo in my head. I look at the floor and I go, holy shit, my fungi toenail fell off by itself.

[B]

Hold on. What?

[A]

Wait, did you just see him, ladies and gentlemen? He was all zomboed up. He was all zomboed up. Did you see him?

[B]

Anyway, which one fell off?

[A]

The fungi one? The right one. I started looking for the blood, but there was no blood. I looked closely. Wait a second. My fungi toenail is still on. It was the fucking stitch from my ear. It looked like a fungi toenail. It just fell off and there was just a little root in there. So anyway, nothing happened. All right? Just letting you people know what's going on with my ear. If you even give a Frenchman's fuck. I don't at this point. So where are you going to be? Richmond, Virginia.

[B]

Richmond and Virginia Beach.

[A]

I know. Friday. And what about Thursday? Where you at?

[B]

I'm at Fierce City comedy club at 8 o' clock.

[A]

Where's that?

[B]

Lower east side.

[A]

Okay, there you go. Tell the people that they want to see you. What about Wednesday night?

[B]

Wednesday night? I don't have anything.

[A]

Right, which F City Comedy Club on.

[B]

The Lower east side. It's a fun club. I do mics there a lot. It's a. And then this shows on 8 o' clock Thursday night.

[A]

There you go. You have it. Me, I got dick this weekend. Next weekend, Next something. What are the dates? The dojo. Next Thursday is June 5th. I'm at the dojo on the 5th. No, no, no, no. It's the 27th. The Thursday, the 27th, and then two Thursdays before that. So there's one Thursday and then me, the 12th, June 12th, I'm at the dojo. Along with the dates on the 27th. The pre warm up for fucking NJ PAC. So everybody gets their shit together. Nah, this is NJ. This is whatever. It's 30 bucks. We'll get a fucking rat pack down there and that's it. I love you cocksuckers. Thank you for watching. Hope you watch the documentary, hope you watch Led Zeppelin and hope you see what the fuck I'm talking about. And hopefully this guy will start training again like a soldier. You know what I'm saying? I love you guys. Stay black. Have a great week.