The Supermarket of Sin

Summary

The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - Episode: The Supermarlet of Sin

Release Date: February 11, 2025
Host: Joey "Coco" Diaz & Lee Syatt
Guest: Nick Askalise

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1. Joey Diaz’s Hilarious Hospital Misadventures (02:34 – 19:32)

In this segment, Joey Diaz shares a series of uproarious and candid stories about his recent hospital stay due to diverticulitis. From accidentally losing a lens in his sunglasses while driving at high speed to enduring chaotic hospital conditions, Joey’s tales are both funny and relatable.

Notable Quotes:

• "I’m doing 80 on Route 3 with a missing fucking lens." (02:34)
• "Listen, last week they put on an Unmasked episode. I love when they do this because only white people fall for this, okay?" (09:12)
• "Every week was. I came last Wednesday." (04:55)
• "I’re in there giving blood and there are other motherfuckers coming in trying to give you like another needle, a back rub." (34:47)

Joey humorously describes the challenges of being in the hospital while under the influence, dealing with incessant questions from medical staff, and encounters with fellow patients. His vivid storytelling paints a chaotic yet comedic picture of hospital life, highlighting his ability to find humor in any situation.

2. Super Bowl Banter and Sports Insights (05:44 – 08:24)

Transitioning to sports, Joey and Lee discuss the recent Super Bowl, focusing on Joey’s successful bets and his strong opinions on NFC East teams.

Notable Quotes:

• "I thought Philly was going to get in their ass like that, you know, I didn’t like that." (07:43)
• "I knew it. I knew that for them to win, it had to be NFC east football." (06:49)
• "I make more money than you do. The whole fucking deal, you know, it’s all the fake hugs and shit." (07:22)

Joey praises Lee for his luck with Super Bowl bets, expressing satisfaction over Philadelphia’s performance while critiquing the traditional toughness of NFC East football. Their banter underscores Joey’s passionate and sometimes blunt take on sports, adding a layer of humor and camaraderie to the discussion.

3. Wild Tales from North Bergen and Childhood Memories (19:22 – 73:41)

Joey reminisces about his youth in North Bergen, sharing colorful stories of his early days, interactions with friends and family, and youthful antics. From mischievous escapades robbing stores to navigating the rough neighborhoods, Joey’s anecdotes provide a window into his formative years.

Notable Quotes:

• "We used to destroy all these fucking restaurants. Like, we went to Piccolissimo. You know, I still talk about that shit." (49:50)
• "We were spics. And I was the only Spanish guy there." (82:07)
• "That hotel has been there since we used to go there to get potato chips." (70:13)
• "And that was how I met your family, because it was Democos against somebody else." (75:35)

Joey recounts his involvement in petty crimes during his teenage years, including a memorable jewelry store robbery and various run-ins with the law. His storytelling is raw and unfiltered, blending humor with reflections on how these experiences shaped him. The conversation delves into the evolution of North Bergen, highlighting both its enduring charm and persistent issues.

4. Special Guest: Nick Askalise’s Journey and Political Aspirations (43:15 – 109:57)

Nick Askalise, Joey’s nephew, joins the conversation to discuss his own life, education, and ambitions. Nick shares his experiences growing up with Joey, his studies in criminal justice, and his aspirations to enter politics.

Notable Quotes:

• "By the time I’m 35, I want to be a mayor somewhere in the county." (108:46)
• "I'm entering the world of politics. So we'll see where it goes from here." (68:18)
• "I’m honored to be here. Because when I was younger, I used to watch you guys’ podcasts." (52:15)
• "They’re looking to get tortured." (27:07)

Nick provides insight into his educational background at John Jay College of Criminal Justice and his work experience. He expresses a deep respect for Joey’s legacy and shares his plans to support local politics, aiming to make a positive impact in Hudson County. The dynamic between Joey and Nick showcases a blend of mentorship, familial bond, and mutual aspirations.

5. Reflections on Fame and Influence (85:41 – 107:14)

Joey and Nick discuss the impact of Joey’s podcasting on listeners, particularly the younger generation. They touch upon how true stories and authentic conversations resonate with the audience, fostering connections and providing relatable content.

Notable Quotes:

• "Tell me about when you failed and how you fucking overcame that. That's what we want to hear." (61:25)
• "Our connection was that we weren't perfectly. You and I were far from perfect." (62:15)
• "I'm just telling you what I hear. So that's the connection." (62:15)

Joey emphasizes the importance of honesty and vulnerability in storytelling, arguing that sharing genuine failures and struggles creates a stronger bond with listeners. This segment underscores the podcast’s mission to blend humor with heartfelt narratives, making it a trusted space for followers.

6. Closing Thoughts and Upcoming Plans (109:57 – End)

As the episode wraps up, Joey, Lee, and Nick share their plans for upcoming shows and events. They discuss the potential impact of political involvement and the importance of community support.

Notable Quotes:

• "We're gonna keep it going as much as we can. Because it was about at the end, the Achilles legacy. He had a great, he was a great coach." (106:46)
• "We're going to win this election in June. That's all I have to say about that." (108:52)
• "We got my fucking special guest tonight. He's the guy here cracking up in the back all the time." (42:08)

The hosts express excitement about future endeavors, highlighting their commitment to maintaining the podcast’s engaging and authentic atmosphere. Nick’s ambition to become a mayor signifies a new chapter, blending personal growth with public service aspirations.

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Conclusion:
The Supermarlet of Sin episode masterfully intertwines Joey Diaz’s humorous yet poignant anecdotes with meaningful discussions on personal growth, community, and influence. Featuring heartfelt exchanges with his nephew Nick Askalise, Joey reinforces the podcast’s dedication to authentic storytelling and genuine connections. Whether recounting wild hospital tales or reflecting on childhood in North Bergen, the hosts deliver an engaging narrative that resonates with both long-time listeners and newcomers alike.

Transcript

[Joey Diaz]

What's happening? Beautiful people. It's Tuesday, the 11th of February. A beautiful day to be alive. Me and Lee are here to bring you a little joy on a Tuesday morning. Let's get this party started. Jackson. Hey, Uncle Joey here. I want to talk to you about something. If you miss the cereal of your childhood, but don't miss the sugar, here's something you're going to love. It's called Magic Spoon and it tastes like nostalgia. Magic Spoon has got a ton of protein, but still tastes just like the cereals you remember eating as a kid. Every serving of Magic Spoon has 13 grams of protein. Again, 13 grams of protein, 0 grams of sugar and 4 grams of net carbs. It comes in flavors like chocolate, chocolate chip cookie, birthday cake and even peanut butter. Listen, my favorite, I dig the peanut butter. I like peanut butter. So if you eat breakfast on the go, Magic Spoon makes cereal bars that you can take anywhere on the go. So do me a favor, get $5 off your next order at magicspoon.com church c h u R C H. Or look for Magic Spoon on Amazon or your nearest grocery store. That's magic spoon.comchurch for $5 off. Welcome back to church. What's up, you savages? Here I am again, co hosting with my main man, Lee Syat. What's up, dog?

[Lee Syatt]

Happy to see you, dude.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm happy to see you, too.

[Lee Syatt]

Where's the glasses?

[Joey Diaz]

What fucking glasses?

[Lee Syatt]

You have these sunglasses coming in? No, not those.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, my sunglasses? I put them away. You don't wear sunglasses inside like an asshole?

[Lee Syatt]

I don't know. We have. At some point we'll have to break. Those are pretty cool.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't wear glasses. I just had them because the sun was beaming today and I had good glasses in the car. When I went to take them out, they fell. So I had to go in my fucking middle compartment and take those glasses out. And when I put them out, they were missing a lens, all right? So I'm missing a fucking lens Now I'm doing 80 on Route 3 with a missing fucking lens. I put my hand in there and I got to go through change and lose joints and fucking loose edibles. And I found the fucking sunglass. Like, that's a one in a million.

[Lee Syatt]

That is crazy.

[Joey Diaz]

And I put it in and I drove the rest of the way with that. And the traffic was easy. It was nice. But we're getting more snow tomorrow.

[Lee Syatt]

Give me one second. It's not working.

[Joey Diaz]

What the fuck?

[Nick Askalise]

Take two.

[Joey Diaz]

Okay. Why? Because you're slipping. No, no, no.

[Lee Syatt]

It's just this thing that we had.

[Joey Diaz]

To switch cameras to. Oh, sunblock. But I've been looking at that for 20 years. What makes a girl that's fucking hotter than fuck? I mean, this girl was torture. She would come to the Comedy Store and talk to me about shit like comedy. Like, I went here tonight. I went here tonight. If I could just do a showcase, I would do anything. And I go, well, I'll get you a fucking showcase, but you gotta suck my dick. And this girl's like, I'll do anything. I'm like, okay, dog. I would walk into the phone. That didn't work. You had to dial 9 to get out. I didn't know the code. And I'd pick up the phone and just dial and go, let me get Dave Becky at three Arch. And she'd go, you going, three arches. I go, dave, Joe Diaz, when we doin that showcase? I got a girl here who's gonna rock it. There was nobody on the other line. There's nobody on the other line. And I'm like, next Wednesday, 8:00. And you'll be here at 8:00. I'll be here dressed up. Okay, 8:00. And she would come upstairs and suck my dick. This happened like, three times. Then she came one night and she goes, do you want to do coke? I'm like, yeah. And she goes, what can you get me for 100 bucks? I'll get you, like, seven twenties. I got her seven hundred and twenties. I gave it to her. And she goes, no, no, we're not gonna do it here. Let's do it at my house. I looked her straight in the face, dog. And I go, if I come to your house, I'm putting you to work today. She goes, what do you mean? I go, you're sucking dick. You're taking it up the ass. And she's like, well, I have my period. And I'm like, oh, fuck, I gotta do the coke. Anyway, I went back with her. I got to the point where I was just getting blow jobs from her and licking her ass on. She had a hemorrhoid to boot. So I put a little coke rock on that motherfucker.

[Lee Syatt]

You did not.

[Joey Diaz]

This went on for, like, a year with this broad. I wouldn't see her for a week. And then she'd come into the store, suck my dick, swallow, buy me a drink. It was fucking. And every week was. I came last Wednesday. But you weren't here. We were here. We were upstairs. Oh, I didn't go upstairs. Oh, I got her again. How about next Wednesday down here? And this went on. And after a while, you knew she wasn't that dumb. She just wanted to suck dick. Her parents own like a fucking resort in fucking Louisiana or something like that. She drove like a BMW.

[Lee Syatt]

Jesus.

[Joey Diaz]

So what the fuck was wrong there? Ready?

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah. And the intro is fine.

[Joey Diaz]

Just afterwards, there's that couple of seconds.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

All right, let's go. You ready?

[Lee Syatt]

Yep.

[Joey Diaz]

We're here. Uncle Joey's here. My main man Lee, the co host of Death. How was the weekend there?

[Lee Syatt]

I had a great weekend.

[Joey Diaz]

What'd you do?

[Lee Syatt]

I did well. My show got postponed, which sucks. But I went and saw Russell Peters, which was really fucking cool. He was at the Beacon. And then. I'm not mush. That's what I got. I have to announce I. I did well yesterday or two days ago, I did well at the Super Bowl.

[Joey Diaz]

Okay.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, I. I got. I got lucky on a couple of. Of like they had one for like. Since it was like Taylor Swift, they'd won if he had. If anyone, if they score 22 points in a quarter, it was like five to one. I got defensive touchdown twice. I had it. I had just any defensive touchdown and then I had each team. So I got like. I turned. I turned like 200 into 700. I had a great day yesterday. Yeah. Oh, dude, I was so ready to lose. I. I told people, okay, just. I'm gonna. I went up, I did a live Philly, okay? I. I told people, just bet opposite me and you'll probably win. And for the first time ever, I did okay. I'm so happy for Philly. And it was like. It was from the very beginning that they were just destroying.

[Joey Diaz]

I knew it. I knew that for them to win, it had to be NFC east football. You gotta go in there and go after the fucking quarterback. That's it. That's NFC east football. The Giants, the Redskins, the fucking Cowboys and those fucking idiots. It's fucking NFC east football. You're biting, you're scratching. That's what the NFC was always about. I think somewhere in all this softness of football, you know the hate and love. Hate. Listen, it's football. I gotta hate you during the game. I gotta hate you for an hour. What are you talking about?

[Lee Syatt]

Right?

[Joey Diaz]

What are you talking about? I'm going to rip your fucking lungs out. What are you talking about? There's no love here. After the game, we do the hug. Yeah. Yeah. I make more money than you do. The whole fucking deal, you know, it's all the fake Hugs and shit, right? It's like being in la. Like they don't love each other.

[Lee Syatt]

No, I didn't think that was gonna happen, though. I thought it was just gonna be like a huge. I was hoping everybody scored.

[Joey Diaz]

I thought it was going to be a good game. I didn't think Philly was going to get in their ass like that, you know, I didn't like that. They kept going to Shaquan Barkley. They get it. They get it. How many times are you going to go to Barkley? Enough.

[Lee Syatt]

I wish. I wish he did anything. And that's the only place I lost money.

[Joey Diaz]

And even in the four, they were winning by 80. And he's still running. Fucking get him out. That's it. It's over.

[Lee Syatt]

That's it.

[Joey Diaz]

The guy's going to get killed for no fucking reason. He's going into the mouth of fucking death. You know, it's. I'm an old fucking man, and this is the difference. When you watching football, when I watch the Super Bowl. Now I get it. I get it. Because what you don't understand, even the news is entertainment. The news makes money on commercials, does it not?

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, a thousand percent.

[Joey Diaz]

They're an entertainment company. They have to entertain you with their. They put it together. Like, the other day, I switched governments. I went from ABC World News Tonight. There was like a hockey game, so I couldn't watch World News, so I went to Channel 4. It's the same fuck with Jose Diaz. I'm watching it like, jose. Jose's got a big fucking head. I'm like, this fucking guy's name is Jose and they called him Jose Diaz. And I lost it. I'm like, fuck, I gotta do something about my head. So. And it's the same fucking formula. They tell you all the bad news up front, and then at the end, here's the kid who found the drum amid the fire in California, you see a little kid playing his drums. You know, it's the same formula, right?

[Lee Syatt]

It's all the same.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, last week they put on a. Oh, listen to the Unmasked. I love when they do this. Cause only white people fall for this, okay? When they go, we found the lost Tina Turner album. Listen, that thing was lost for a reason. They put that in the back of the safe for a fucking reason. It was like one of those things that she's like, let's release this. Like, not right now. Not right now. We'll get that later on. It's like a Yoko Ono fucking song. Put it in the back. We'll get. And then you hope she dies before she ever brings it up again. And they die. And then some fucking agent goes in there and goes, oh, let's release it and make 10,000. You're not gonna make it. It's a bunch of yelling. It's Tina Turner getting beat up by Ike yelling. You know what I'm saying? I don't need that shit. Nobody wants that shit anymore. And I love Tina Turner. I'm not saying nothing bad about it, but all that. Like, we found three more Beatles songs. They're terrible. The Beatles put out everything. Bath water, cookies. They were like Elvis. Like, if you hear that Elvis had a missing song, trust me, it's bad.

[Lee Syatt]

Well, now I don't know if. I mean, there's obviously gonna be missing stuff, but I didn't. I saw that Scorsese is doing this like, miniseries for Fox Nation, like the Fox Nation app. And I have nothing against Fox, but like, that's who's coming up with an app now. They're pay. They gave Scorsese however many millions of dollars and now like, it's going to hear.

[Joey Diaz]

You are the director Israel fucking doing a podcast.

[Lee Syatt]

I know the fuck is going on with your life.

[Joey Diaz]

You should be creating your own app. You should be Rupert fucking Lisa.

[Lee Syatt]

If you let me do any of the ideas I've given you.

[Joey Diaz]

Rupert, at the fucking. At the game yesterday, the owner of Fox sitting there with an Asian bitch. He had bitches behind him, bitches to the left of him. That dog is old, but he can still hunt. Cause with that type of money, you just get a prosthetic dick like that. I just get like a two foot dick. Everybody's getting yum yums. Cause everybody listen, they're doing something right. They're making men into women in some country, Sweden. They gotta have like a. Do you want a black dick? That's white 31.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, you wanna get like a transplanted black dick onto him?

[Joey Diaz]

Fuck. But white, you know?

[Nick Askalise]

Right. Of course.

[Joey Diaz]

He can't show up with a black dick at that age.

[Lee Syatt]

No, no, that'd be terrible. Sure. I'm sure whoever's there would walk away if it was black.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, Those guys don't give a fuck. Rupert Murdoch don't give a fuck if he cheats on his wife. He don't even know whose wife is anymore. That's how much money he's got. Who's my wife?

[Lee Syatt]

I don't think she cares. No, no, she's the one. He's 90, 90 years old.

[Joey Diaz]

Whatever the fuck he is.

[Lee Syatt]

But it doesn't matter. He was married.

[Joey Diaz]

Wait, he was married to. What's his name? Pro Waba. Rupert Murdoch was married to Mick Jagger's ex wife for a while. The Texan chick, The big Texan. Jesus, Jerry Hall. Look it up. Somebody was married to Jerry Hall. Some big motherfucker after Mick Jagger, Jerry hall came along and married another tycoon. I think it was Rupert Murdoch. Because it's like that chick. You ever get that girlfriend that. Yeah, Rupert Murdoch, yeah. Told you. Told you. And she left with more money than Mick Jagger. She's like, fuck, Mick. Fuck Mick. I can take Mick's money and shove it up my ass. This is big money. Rupert Murdoch was fucking Jerry Hall. Damn. That's why I like when women go, I'm sick of rich guys. It's time to date regular guys. Oh, well, wait till he splits the check with you. Wait till he splits the check. Wait till you have to go and you drink the low class wine. After about a month, you're like, we're going back to those rich dudes. Cause this is bullshit.

[Lee Syatt]

Did you see Bill Belichick got his girlfriend in the Dunkin Donuts commercial?

[Joey Diaz]

F Dog. That's what old pimps do. That's what old pimps do.

[Lee Syatt]

She's like 24, 25.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, Doug, I'm the only fucking old pimp that lives at home with his wife and has a kid and goes to basketball games like a half a fag. If I had a brain in my head, I'd be on a boat right now getting my balls licked, throwing people off the boat, and Epstein style, you know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syatt]

Like, would it be the same people? Would they lick your balls and then you throw them off the boat? Or two separate groups of people?

[Joey Diaz]

No. I'm like fucking Netanyahu. They sick their dick, then you kill them. There's no ditty tapes. There's no nobody's gonna come back. And I was on his boat. You were not on his boat. You're dead. You know what I'm saying? Nobody talks about Netanyahu. All his bitches. Cause he kills them all.

[Lee Syatt]

Do you think Diddy's up? He must be upset about that. Who? Diddy? He must have wished he killed all of them.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, I don't want to talk about Diddy. We got so many good things in the fucking world to talk about, and you want to talk about that? Fucking Mort, you brought it up. I didn't bring up Diddy. I brought up Rupert Murdoch. A big difference. Rupert Murdoch and Diddy Two different fucking deals. I had a hell of a fucking weekend I gotta tell you guys about. So everything was good. It was like being at a strip club. Everything was good. We were in love. Then I ran out of dollar bills. Once you run out of dollar bills, the whole night's over. You gotta. You break that rhythm. You know what I'm saying? Hey, give me a 20. By the time she comes over, she's talking to Julio down by the schoolyard, you know, you're like, what the fuck? And now that you broke the whole. What are we talking about here? I don't even.

[Lee Syatt]

Your weekend. It was like a stroke.

[Joey Diaz]

So everything was going good. I fucking get a call from my doctor. She's like, listen, you gotta come in for me to prescribe you this prescription you need. And I'm like, I'm not going in there. I was like, fighting, like, just give it. Because she didn't have an appointment till, like, March, fucking 30th. And I'm like, that's not gonna work. You know? I go, forget it. I came out of hospital two weeks ago. I called you motherfuckers, you told me to call back this week, and now you're telling me again you have no appointments for me. She goes, well, you need this. I go, well, what do you want me to do? Where the fuck do you want me to get it? I gotta wait until whatever. She goes. She goes, okay, I got you an appointment for tomorrow, 11. I knew you had fucking appointments. You're just holding them out on me. Fuck you, motherfuckers. So when I got down there, she's like, joey, your lung. But I saw something else, and she goes, let me touch it. And she started touching me, and I fucking popped up in the air. And she goes, I want you to go home, pack a bag, and go to the hospital. You have diverticulitis. So I fucking did exactly what she said, went to the hospital, packed my bag. I was just there for five fucking nights. It was great. It was a fucking. I'd tell anybody to go to that hospital. It was tremendous. But I didn't forget that you have good weeks in life and you got bad weeks in life. So fucking I'm there Wednesday, Thursday, they're gonna send me home Friday, and Friday morning, I get a fucking Instagram from paulytunes, and he sends me a cartoon of me talking about being an outflow when I was 16 at Christ Hospital, and the guy next to me had a stroke on the side that makes the shit of your body so he couldn't shit. So I was in there with him for, like, two days, like, ah, Ah. And they finally, like, on a Friday night, they came in with a fucking. A court gun, and they weren't ready for it, and they put it up his ass and they started shooting the water. And all of a sudden, shit started coming out everywhere. He hadn't taken a shit in like four or five days. This poor bastard. He was overflowing.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, no.

[Joey Diaz]

His whole side was draining. Like, the hip, the hip. You could hear it on them going, oh, get towels and all this shit. So they put me in, like, a clean room and that was it. But I get this Friday morning in the hospital. I'm like, this is fucked up. And I got a Mexican guy next to me, the nicest Mexican guy he ever met. His family came, they brought fucking Mexican food. I gave him oranges. Everybody was fucking happy. It was a fucking. Because I steal shit from the back. So I would give him Rice Krispies. Mexicans love taking Rice Krispies home. I don't know what it is. Fucking. So about 8:30, they throw him out of the hospital. The fucking Mexican dude. I'm like, oh, shit. But Friday night, I also. Thursday night, I said, fuck this. The last time I came to the hospital, I played Sober Joe. This time I'm not doing that shit. So I ate 300 milligrams on Thursday night. I was fucked up.

[Lee Syatt]

You got fucked up off 300?

[Joey Diaz]

Oh. Like we do here on Mondays.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

I fucking put the earphones on. I Led Zeppelin on. I had a basketball game on. I was writing. Don't you gotta see that notebook? I wrote like 55 pages of shit. Nice.

[Lee Syatt]

Thank you.

[Joey Diaz]

And now I looked up, there's two things I could read. It's like hieroglyphics. It looks like fucking. That Chinese book that came out today, Same hieroglyphics and shit. So I'm sitting there Friday, and I go, fuck this. I'm taking 400 milligrams. So I pop all four of those motherfuckers. There's one left. I save it for Lee.

[Lee Syatt]

Thank you.

[Joey Diaz]

Because I'm a Christian. I'm sitting there on fire. And I hear this commotion. Stop here. And some guy again. I'm like, fuck. I take my earphones off. Hold on. I could tell something's going on in my room. They bring him in and he's like, lady, before you put me into bed, I have to go number two again. The guy's like fucking 80. And, you know, they had to flip them over and. And the whole thing. Then he again, he three times in the wheelchair before he even got on the bed. Right? Now I'm sitting there going, I need this package. Everything was beautiful. It's like now, you know, now you see the correlation between the stripper now, everything was beautiful. I had a flow going. And that's it. That's it. And now this guy. So they finally put him in bed. He don't touch the bed. He shits it again. It's 9:30 and it's now it smells like fucking. Exit 11 in my room and I'm in the corner, so you got nowhere to go. This ass is coming at me. So I got like a cape on. Like a little fucking.

[Lee Syatt]

Wait is all you had that little like curtain between you, the curtain between you. That's all you had for this meal?

[Joey Diaz]

That's it. So I got the cake they put on you with the ass out. I never put those on. I get sweats and sneakers in that motherfucker. I ain't got time for no cable my asshole out. So I put that around my head like a Turkish dude just so I wouldn't smell this shit.

[Lee Syatt]

Wait, you put the hospital gown around your head?

[Joey Diaz]

Fuck yeah. Left the eyes out like fucking. You know me like Alibaba in the Philippines. I don't give a fuck.

[Lee Syatt]

Why is there no picture of this?

[Joey Diaz]

Because I didn't. I wasn't gonna take a selfie, look like Alibaba. And next thing you know, people think I join ISIS. And that's a whole fucking. So it's about 11:30, I get out of the room, I had a pastrami sandwich. So I fucking went out in the hallway and ate it. I didn't want to smell that shit all night. I come back about 11:30, quarter to 12. He's kind of like, oh, oh. I laid down and all of a sudden they. Because in the hospital, it's not going to drive up here today. I'm home all day. I'm home all day. When do the doctors call you when you're in the car? They want information. Like, can I get the information? Listen, I'm on Route 3 with sunglasses on, you know what I'm saying? Cutting people off. I ain't got time to go in my wallet. I sat there all day waiting for you motherfuckers to call. And you call at 5:00, you know, as usual. That whole system, they bother you when you least expect it. So I'm fucking sitting there and I'm like, I'm too high to even go to sleep. So they start with that bullshit. Hi, Mr. Diaz, we're here to check your vitals. That's the fucking. The oxygen and the blood pressure. Then they prick your fucking finger and get blood out of it for a sugar test. She comes in and she's got the machine away from me, right? It's about midnight maybe, so I can't see the numbers, but I see her go. And all of a sudden she's on a walkie talkie. And a bunch of white people come in my room. I got like three white people, two black people, an African lady, a Filipino lady. And they're like, what could be going on? Are you okay? And I'm like, I'm okay. What's going on? They're like, your blood pressure's 190 over 100 and your oxygen level's at 88. How are you even standing? And I got up and I'm like, I'm fine. I'm tip topping. And they're like, we don't know what's going on. We have to call the. The head surgeon. And I'm thinking, I know what's going on. I got 400 milligrams of me, bitch. That's what's going on. So now I know what it does to you. It raises your blood pressure and lowers your oxygen level. So we're good?

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, good, that's awesome. Did you tell them this at any point?

[Joey Diaz]

Fuck no. I'm gonna let him guess. I'm gonna let him call Mars. I'm having him call China for medical information. He was fine all day. Your blood pressure was 140 over 80. And all of a sudden now it's 198 over 100. What is going on? I'm like, oh, I tortured them. But then they tortured me because that fucking dude shit again.

[Lee Syatt]

I was gonna say he was making a reappearance dog.

[Joey Diaz]

They flipped him over and the bucket fell. So now there was shit juice all over the fucking floor. I didn't say a word. You know me, I usually fucking go, what the fuck is this? I'm going home. Calling Uber. I didn't say a word. I just wanted to get healthy. I was up all night, but the clinker is like, I was asleep, but up. I had the blanket on, I had earphones on. I had the sleep apnea mask on. I would listen to music cause I was so fucking high. And they kept coming in asking me creepy questions. Like at 2:30 they woke me up to ask me how much I weighed and how tall I Was. And I asked, I said, can I ask you a question? So this question came to you at 2:40 in the morning. You just decided, let me wake up Joey to see what he weighs and how tall he is. Then they'll come in again like at 4, like, we need to take more blood out of your finger.

[Lee Syatt]

Why?

[Joey Diaz]

I haven't eaten a fucking thing. I've been sitting here burning on edibles. Cause I can't walk out because the shit fog is on the wall. Finally at seven I got up, tiptoe my way to that bathroom and I took the most fucking, the best shower I've ever taken. Because I knew there was shit particles in the air. The guy's been shitting for 10 hours. Every fucking 15 minutes there's gotta be some type of shit particles in the air. So I took a nice shower. I walked out, you could still smell this shit. The breakfast camera go, nah, nah, nah, we're not eating in here. Take them out. I don't want shit on my eggs. And fucking got feces pieces all over the fucking place.

[Lee Syatt]

Hold on.

[Joey Diaz]

Pieces. Fucking pieces. Aggravating. You go to a hospital with, relax. Not to get tortured. That's what they do to you in those hospitals. They torture me. And it's a great hospital. I love them to death. They called today and I gave them all 10 stars. That's not the. And then the one day we got this, listen, if Jews put an ugly woman on this planet, this was the one. She was there when I checked into the big room, a two man room. She was the ugly. She had those eyes like she had been a. She had been in fucking Gaza for 200 days. She was a hostage. She had like a black towel around her head. She had the stockings. She was a stinky, but I don't.

[Lee Syatt]

Think she was full on, only partially so.

[Joey Diaz]

This fucking bitch. I go upstairs and I go, thank God. I'm in my room and I start taking my shampoo out. My wife dropped off and she goes, what are you doing? I go, I'm taking a shower. She goes, no, you can't. I go, what do you mean I can't take a shower? She goes, you can't take a shower? When we get doctor's orders that's going to take about three hours. I go, I gave them that Bronson line, that's three hours too many. I'm going in right now. And she's like, but you can't. The doctor's orders. I said, the doctor hasn't given me no order. I've been in the fucking hospital for 27 hours. There's some odors coming out of me. I'm taking a shower, bro. This white lady went and got security. And as she was walking into security, I walked into the shower and locked the door. They banged on the door for like, three minutes. The shower's on. Can't hear you. I came out, they were waiting for me and shit. Like, you can't do this. The doctor go, listen, there was a. I didn't say it in front of the ugly Jewish chick. I said it to the guy. I go, why don't you get the doctor to come up here and sniff my nuts at. He'll give you an order to take me in there and bathe me. My nut was rotten on the left side from laying on that. You have that sometimes you got pee around your dick. That's one thing. You can wipe it off. But if you got that nut swelling.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, I love that.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, you have it and it's on your hand. And then you can't wipe it off your leg because it just slicks. That's what. That's what I had. I'm not embarrassed to say it. That's why I take three showers a day. Because I know that's what comes out of my left nut juice.

[Lee Syatt]

Wait.

[Joey Diaz]

Because I lay on my left side. I figured it out.

[Lee Syatt]

Right now I just want to paint the pictures. This before or after this guy shit himself?

[Joey Diaz]

This is way before he came. This was.

[Lee Syatt]

All right. So this is pre. Okay. Holy shit. Oh, my. And, yeah, because you going 27 hours without a shower Never happened, dog.

[Joey Diaz]

Come on. I took like, three Puerto Rican ones where I got the hot towel and you wipe your armpits in between your balls. But that don't do it because you got to use soap and fucking dove and elbow grease and your skin is dry, you know, your skin. I took my pants off, right fucking. It went poof. From my legs, how dry they were. I need a fucking shower, right? Put some cream on these fucking stilts, dude.

[Lee Syatt]

I've been with you once, like, once, many times. Like, we've done something in the morning, had lunch, went back to your house and like, I gotta take a shower.

[Joey Diaz]

I'll be back. Yeah, that's what a shower's for. To use it, not to look at it and go, oh, it's a nice shower. The fuck you gotta get in there, right? You gotta wash that ass. 24 hours without washing your ass, right? And maybe one or two shits, it starts to ferment. Oh, yeah, it starts to ferment, it turns into something else. That's where you get mushrooms and hemorrhoids and all the dirty shit around your ass when you don't wash your fucking ass.

[Lee Syatt]

How excited are you to get to be, like, 70 and 75 and, like, just really torturing doctors?

[Joey Diaz]

I'm not excited at all.

[Lee Syatt]

No?

[Joey Diaz]

No. I like. I'm still thinking about all the people I could torture now.

[Lee Syatt]

Right.

[Joey Diaz]

But, yeah, I got people that call me every day that just. They're looking to get tortured. And I'm such a Christian now, I just let them off the hook.

[Lee Syatt]

That's really nice of you.

[Joey Diaz]

You bet your ass.

[Lee Syatt]

What did you do to that guy who was shitting himself? Didn't do.

[Joey Diaz]

He was a night. Listen, it's not.

[Lee Syatt]

Did he give him something to. To stop them up or anything?

[Joey Diaz]

I kept saying, you want me to bring you some teas? Like, everything goes through me. That's all. Cause I had to connect in the back. I get coffees, I get the cereals. I get the fucking turkey sandwiches. That night I got so high, I must have eaten four turkey sandwiches.

[Lee Syatt]

The night he shit himself?

[Joey Diaz]

No, the night before that, when I ate the three edibles. Oh, my God, I ate so much in there. They had these turkey sandwiches that are delicious. Don't eat the ham sandwiches, but you eat the ham sandwich while you're eating it. You're like, thank God I'm in the hospital. You don't have to go far. This shit goes sour. But the turkey sandwich is unreal, you know? And I got that divertulitis, whatever the fuck that is.

[Lee Syatt]

Isn't that what's the UFC fighter had?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, but he had, like. He had to take a surgery. I'm trying to avoid the surgery. So I gotta stop eating seeds. I can't eat fucking red crushed pepper. I gotta eat the crushed powder now.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, damn. Hey, it's better than having surgery.

[Joey Diaz]

That's right. And this is what happens. This is the evolution of man. All you young guys are like, why am I listening to this conversation? Cause one day this is gonna be you. Do you think I was gonna have these conversations? Not at all. I thought I was gonna be dead when I was 37. And I was good with that. I was good with that. I'm like, I don't need shit. But it didn't work out. I thought I was gonna die during Y2K because of Y2K. I really did. I'm like, I'm gonna die like the year 2000, like, about a month or two. And I'LL die. I never died. So what would happen?

[Lee Syatt]

Like, let's say when you got to the year 2000 and you were like, june, and you were still alive, did you pick a new day?

[Joey Diaz]

I was in sh.

[Lee Syatt]

Did you, like, pick it, like, all.

[Nick Askalise]

Right, it's gonna be 2006.

[Joey Diaz]

I didn't die, and I ended up marrying. Meeting my wife.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

June of 2000. Wow.

[Lee Syatt]

That's crazy.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. I was on the road, and then.

[Lee Syatt]

If you think about. You said. You said I wouldn't make it to 50, and then you had mercy.

[Joey Diaz]

I was on the road that year from November. I didn't get back till April.

[Lee Syatt]

That's awesome.

[Joey Diaz]

And I only had three weeks booked when I left. Everything else was fallouts from the road. And I worked every weekend. Wasn't the money I wanted, but I worked constantly.

[Lee Syatt]

That's. And you were just taking a bus, Was that.

[Joey Diaz]

No, I was with a girl in a car.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, shit. Oh, okay. That was. That one.

[Joey Diaz]

I would throw her clothes away because she would put her clothes in the back seat and I'd be smoking cigarettes, and I fling them out the window. So I thought. And when we get to the destination, I look at the back and her shirt would be burnt. So for years, she would always tell me, I don't know what happened to those three shirts. They just.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, they just ended up. They just ended up burnt. Holy shit. I'm surprised you lasted as long as you did in the hospital. Especially now, hearing it like, both times, I was surprised that you lasted as long as you did. And then this time to hear. Cause you don't do well with weird smells. Like, even. Like even a little bit.

[Joey Diaz]

Sandals, little things just tick me off. Ranch dressing. Then the one day they brought me salad with ranch dressing, I almost went off. I almost went off. Then the next day, they brought me no salad, but with the right salad dressing, which.

[Lee Syatt]

Wait, they brought you no salad, but they brought dressing.

[Joey Diaz]

They brought me no salad.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay, but, dude, the fact that you survived even just take. Take out the dude shitting. Because that's actually kind of. At some point, did it get funny?

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, when you're in a hospital room, you think you're on TruTV and that people just fucking with you. It's like before when I got in the car. I was in the car 10 minutes. I just got the gas. I just hit the fucking nine. I'm just hitting the Jersey Turnpike north, and this lady decides to call me and she gotta put me on hold and she wants to ask me questions and what Medications are you taking? Listen, do you see my wife in the fucking car? If my wife's not in the car, I don't know what I'm taking. You could throw out the names at me. And I was yesterday.

[Lee Syatt]

I'm taking everything.

[Joey Diaz]

They hit you with all this shit and you're like, guys, I don't even know what's in that cup. In the morning, my wife puts a cup on top of the table with pills. I just drop it. I take the other one on my own. I take one downstairs on my own. And I take the ones at night on my own. But the breakfast one, it's too many, right? So I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.

[Lee Syatt]

But you were saying, you were saying when you're in the hospital, it feels like true tv. I asked if it ever got funny.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, yeah. At some point I look around. Listen, what saves me is my sense of humor, even though I don't have one.

[Lee Syatt]

What do you mean you don't have one?

[Joey Diaz]

I don't have a sense of humor like that. Like most people. Like, they. Oh, it happens. No, don't.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, you don't.

[Joey Diaz]

Why are you waking me up at 2:30? You see how tall I am? What am I dying? You calling the casket company? You know the casket company. I mean, what the fuck? You gotta sit there and go, what the fuck was that about? That's gotta be a fucking Candid Camera minute. That's got to be a Kandra camera moment.

[Lee Syatt]

Did they really just literally, like shake.

[Joey Diaz]

You, Mr. D and Dawg, they ask you questions. The one day I got this fine little African chicken there that takes vitals. I mean, this girl was a sweetheart and she was beautiful to boot. And she's taking my vitals. It's 6:30 in the morning. We're kicking it. We're doing great. I'm playing fucking music for Cuban music and shit. Talking about Nigeria. Yeah. Where all the saints came from. And fucking three. Three people just march into my fucking thing. A woman and two fucking, like little assistants with the pads. You ever see that when a woman walks in and she got two little fags with pads? This bitch just comes into my room now. The blood pressure machine is here. The chick is here and the TV's here. She just walked into the TV, into my space. Hi, Mr. Diaz. I'm Dr. Doolittle. Whatever. And this is whacking frack over here. These two fucking blowing ho. That's who these are. And she's like, doesn't even say nothing to me. Starts Touching my stomach. And I'm like, okay. You know. And then she's like, hold on, Take his pulse. Well, lady, all of a sudden the bell goes off and my blood pressure's one fucking 75 over 90. She's like, it's a bit high this morning. I go, first off, look at you and look at me. Why are you there? Back, back. You came in here while she. A doctor, a surgeon came in here while she tested my blood. No respect for this poor fucking girl and no respect for me. Just barged in here with your college educated ass and started like, you know, right? And that's my blood pressure. I go, step back. 140 over fucking 80. I go, do you see? I mean, you're a fucking surgeon, right? There's days I was in there giving blood and there's other motherfuckers coming in trying to give you like another needle, a back rub. And you're like, enough, let's do this first, right? When they all come in, they come in like. You know when you pull your car in on a race and all of a sudden everybody comes out, right? That's what it looks like. It's like, it's not a race. This ain't a race. Why is that? Nine people in here? Well, let me touch your legs. Why now? I got a thing on my arm. I got an IV over. It's. It's. It's humorous, man.

[Lee Syatt]

Right?

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, yeah, it's humorous that.

[Lee Syatt]

Well, that, that. That does sound funny. I would have. I've laughed. I've laughed in public bathrooms when people fart. I'm a little kid. Like, I. Like, if that dude was himself, there's zero percent.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, listen, Let me tell you something else. Cause in life, you don't know how this sounds. See, when we shit at home, we shit into a toilet, like, bloop. And every once in a while, we get the 3D experience where the water hits you in the ass, right? Yeah. Or you go to wipe your ass and your hand hits the shit or the water, you went a little too deep and now you got the black hand stain over here. All right, but that's completely different, guys, than if you shit in a bucket and listen to the bucket fall and hear the shit. Because as soon as it hit, I go, oh, that's shit water. That ain't agua de olimpia. That's not. You know, it's like when puke hits. When puke hits a floor, you know what it sounds like. And if you're not watching it, listening to It. It's completely different. So when I heard that bucket flip over, it wasn't like a metal bucket, whatever the fuck they put you in, like a little baby bucket, and the bucket flipped. When that thing went and it hit, and I heard the nurse go, oh, no, get out.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, no. Yeah, that's it.

[Joey Diaz]

That's. So when I heard that, that's the first time I was like, that's real. That's real. And I'm gonna walk in it and I'm gonna be fucking pissed. I put on two of those little hospital socks they give you with the little alligators on the bottom so you won't slip.

[Lee Syatt]

I don't think they would have done anything. Those are still cloths.

[Joey Diaz]

Socks did what?

[Lee Syatt]

Those are still cloth?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, I put two on just in case you step on one of those little nuggets. It don't matter. You ever step on one of your own nuggets or the cat's nuggets? It's not good.

[Lee Syatt]

You've stepped on before.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah.

[Lee Syatt]

Where? In what scenario is there on the floor?

[Joey Diaz]

I went to get up to wipe my ass a little yum yum, dropped the floor and I backed into it. It was on my heel. I didn't even know. You smell something funny? Cause that's another thing. When you shit in the toilet, it smells like what it smells like, right? Go cut that motherfucker with a knife and leave it in there. It opens up the airways. That's why when shit breaks in half, it smells so bad.

[Lee Syatt]

Plus, if he's 80 something and having like an issue, I don't think there's anything to cut in half. I feel like it's like all.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, I don't know what his diet is, all right? I didn't follow him around like fucking muck and hook.

[Lee Syatt]

How much? And did they. They took you out of that room, you said after that happened?

[Joey Diaz]

No, I abandoned shit. I got up that morning at 7, told them what time it was. I'm like, get the paperwork ready. They're like, yeah, we're gonna go. The doctor came in, a little Arab guy, sweetheart. And he goes, we discharged you. And he goes, everything good? I go, yeah. I didn't say nothing. I didn't make a scene. I made a scene when they told me I'd be out by 12 and it was 1:15 and I was still sitting there. This guy's still going, ugh. Ugh. Enough. It's sunny out. My fucking legs are swollen. Cause I would walk around all the time in the hospital. I walk Every hour, right? You gotta move around that motherfucker. That's what you're gonna die there. Oh, shit. Emergency was great. The first day I got to Emergency, like an hour in, there was already a fist fight. I'm good with four cops had to fuck some dude up. And then they were. He was like, in there. He was like, ah, fuck you. You're not a doctor. Get out of my face. Get out. And all of a sudden I heard 25. You know, like somebody's 25 milligrams or something.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, no.

[Joey Diaz]

And I heard him yell, ah, Ah. And that was it. I went over and checked on him. He had blood all over his fucking thing.

[Lee Syatt]

A fist fight in the. Did you see the fist fight?

[Joey Diaz]

I heard it. I heard a couple punches thrown and fucking wheels from a little chair spinning around. You know, all that fun shit.

[Lee Syatt]

Jesus, I can't imagine getting into a fist fight in the emergency room.

[Joey Diaz]

That's the best place to get into a fist fight. You're right there.

[Lee Syatt]

I guess you're right. Fuck.

[Joey Diaz]

It's a crazy world out there, Lee. People get into fist fights in a lot of fucking places. I've never been in an emergency room fist fight, but that's the second most exciting place in the world next to.

[Lee Syatt]

Disneyland, to get into a fist fight.

[Joey Diaz]

Just go to emergency room in Manhattan.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And sit there for a few hours with a camera. That's a fucking art. That's a podcast.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah. No, you're right.

[Joey Diaz]

People walk in bleeding, shot, yelling. That's a podcast. 15 minute podcast. Me and the Emergency. And every week you go to a different emergency room.

[Lee Syatt]

Could you imagine asking someone while they're fucking, like, what happened? Get the fuck out of here.

[Joey Diaz]

No, you're not gonna ask nobody. You're just a quiet spectator. That's the name of the podcast, the Quiet Spectator. Some nights you go to Court. Go to Midnight Court downtown and see what comes in there. Midnight.

[Lee Syatt]

Do you think they still have Midnight Court?

[Joey Diaz]

They got to have something.

[Lee Syatt]

Jesus. Have you. They have a bunch of that on. On Zoom Now Court.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, but it ain't the same. No, I want to sit down and zoom and watch. You got to sit there and get the action, the odors. You know what I'm saying? The guy comes in stabbed. You want to smell the blood? Oh, yeah.

[Lee Syatt]

Jesus Christ.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. Midnight get stabbed. That's why I was hoping.

[Lee Syatt]

Why do you keep asking about, I don't want to get stabbed. I don't want to get hit in the head. People send me messages now, like, have you Gotten mugged yet? No, I don't want to get.

[Joey Diaz]

You're going to get mugged.

[Lee Syatt]

Please stop saying mugged.

[Joey Diaz]

Jerry Rocha, they're going to mug you for. I go to mug twice. They took his jacket.

[Lee Syatt]

They took his jacket?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, he had to walk home.

[Lee Syatt]

What kind of. I don't have that kind of jacket. I don't have nice jackets.

[Joey Diaz]

They don't care. $2 is $2. You know what I'm saying? That's all they need, so be careful. Always wear underlinings.

[Lee Syatt]

Underlinings?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, like a fucking arctic T shirt and arctic pants.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, that'll really help, you know, if.

[Joey Diaz]

They make you take your pants off now you got protection underneath. We're gonna take a break with that one. Poor Lee couldn't handle that one.

[Lee Syatt]

I don't know where to go from there.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't know where to go from there. We'll be back, bitches. Hey, Uncle Joey here. Listen, if you want a nicotine pouch, it's gonna rock your world. I'm talking about rock your world. Look no further than Nick. Pouches come in 10 awesome flavors from crisp mint to exotic tropical fruits. They're available in 3, 6 or 12 millis, you know what I'm saying? AKA milligrams. So you can choose your own adventure. Me, I like this little berry lemon ice. Are you kidding me or what? It takes me to an island with a raft, people jumping up and down. Each pouch lasts up to two hours and they're made with natural coconut fiber filling and all natural flavors. So do yourself a favor, make the switch to nicotine pouches today. You're going to love these. Right now, church listeners get 35% off. What did I say? 35% off. When you order through the exclusive link of nick ykdpouches.comchurch this. Listen, this special offer isn't for your first purchase. You can use this up to three times. Who brings you a party like Uncle Joey? Nobody. Don't wait. Get 35% off now at nykdpouches.com church that's nickpouches.com C H U R C H NIC products are only for adults of legal age. So if you're underage teen, take a hike. Every order is age verified. Warning. This product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. Thank you for watching and supporting the church. I want to thank Nick for always supporting the church. We're back, bitches. We got my fucking special guest tonight. He's the guy here cracking up in the back all the time. Giggling, having a good time. My fucking nephew Nikki. A, AKA Nikki Porkchops, AKA Nikki. We're gonna go get some pork chops after this. With vinegar, peppers, potatoes and onions. Are you kidding me? They got the Rhode Island Iced Tea, the Rhode Island Clam Chowder. Clam chowder on a fucking Monday night? Stop it. What's up, dog?

[Nick Askalise]

Having a great night? How about you, huh? How you doing?

[Joey Diaz]

Always. Listen, let's give some background here. So you motherfuckers know I didn't just pick him up at some fucking Thai bar. You know what I'm saying? One of my friends in Thailand and shit. I grew up with his family, you know, Next week we're gonna have, like, in two weeks, we got a friend of mine, Dennis, is coming in. And then we got another Avillo coming in. And, you know, if you say anything to Dennis Colangelo, always talk about Mr. Askelies. You've heard me talk about Mr. Askalies. Mr. Askalies. Mr.— Asklis. This is his grandson. And I grew up with his uncles and his aunts and his mother. And during the pandemic, I don't wanna leave the fucking house. I get a call from his uncle. He's like, hey, you gotta do me a favor. My nephew Nick is there. He's looking to see the devil. He says he wants to meet you. I'm like, during the fucking pandemic, he brought that shit from New York. Cause I was still petrified in June. I'm like, I don't wanna talk to nobody from New York. Cause this fucking guy who went skiing, the Jew, the Jewish guy, that motherfucker. He's probably the ugly Jew's father down in the hospital there. So.

[Nick Askalise]

Oh, shit.

[Joey Diaz]

Fucking. You know, I went to meet him and I was like, wow, this is tremendous. And I came back. When I moved back there he was. And you know, he's an adopted nephew. The same way his family adopted me 45 fucking moons ago. So this is a different generation. Like, sometimes when he hears me talk, he's like, what the fuck is he talking about? You know, there's nobody getting mugged in Hudson county park no more. Well, at one time there was. It's funny because every Monday I come up here and the wave sends me on a different route. And on every route, no matter what, I could find places I robbed, places I ran out of, places I lit on fire. Like, oh, my God, I robbed that place. I didn't know it was a pizza joint.

[Nick Askalise]

Now, my first burgery on my right.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, it's it really is fucking crazy. It really. Every time I drive on Tunley Avenue, a new memory comes to me. I'm like. I'm not even gonna say that shit.

[Lee Syatt]

They have that in New York. You could do that. Like have those guys that do, like the double decker buses that do the tours around. You can pick up people into the Joey Diaz tour of northern New Jersey last week.

[Joey Diaz]

Two weeks ago, I'm at home watching New Jersey 12. I'm waiting for the weather. That's a little. Little news station here in New Jersey. And that was the day the fucking truck went into the Kmart Target on Tunley. Target? What went in there? A truck, some type of truck. A dump truck went into the thing and they showed it on tv. So I'm thinking about all the shit I did there. I'm thinking about a time when there was a Pathmark there. When I was a kid and we got caught. We were gonna rob the gas station. But to rob a gas station, I needed something. A gun. I didn't have a gun. So I go, fuck it. I called my friend. I go, let me go to Pathmark and rob a gun. And we'll tape it and then we'll go up there like a water pistol.

[Lee Syatt]

A water pistol.

[Joey Diaz]

Tape it. Well, I get caught robbing the gun. Like, I didn't even make it out. I didn't even make it out. I don't even make it out of box.

[Lee Syatt]

Why not just buy the water gun?

[Joey Diaz]

Because I went all A. When you go all A, you're going all A. You don't have time to spend a dollar on a water pistol. Maybe there wasn't even a dollar. Lee. Did you think of that?

[Lee Syatt]

I apologize for not considering.

[Joey Diaz]

I remember arguing with the lady outside, crying, telling her my brother died. And I got another brother that's retarded, he needs a gun to shoot himself. And she's like, okay, I'll let you go this time. She was like six foot five, ugly and big. But then I thought about another night. Cause Tunley Lickers used to be there when I was a kid. It was basically pat marked. And Tully Lickers was huge. It was like a supermarket of sin.

[Nick Askalise]

And you were just running in and out of there.

[Joey Diaz]

We didn't. We couldn't get served in that. So we would stand outside and see somebody who was going in there. Come on, dog, give me a case of beer.

[Nick Askalise]

Do me something.

[Joey Diaz]

But one night we were in there. I'm not gonna mention no names. One of my friends goes in with somebody to get a case of beer leaves. Three of us outside. And there was a well known homeless dude in north bergen at the time. He lived in Hudson county park. And he had leaves all over him. And he'd come out like he had like a bum leg. And I'd see him by ashways. Like today I got pulled up 79th Street. So I sat at that light by gold coast and I had to stare at ashways and I thought of fucking a doozy of a story there. So you just, your mind goes away. You're like, jesus Christ, people are not gonna believe this shit. So we're talking to this homeless dude. We knew him, he would talk to us. Now it's July and he's got like a painter suit on, like the whole body suit with the zipper up on top. And we're talking to him, it's like three of us. What's going on? Bad, can you spare a dollar? Yeah, we give him a dollar. But if we gave you a dollar, three of us gave you a dollar, you're gonna get tortured. Like we're gonna tell you we're gay, we're gonna suck your dick. So we're talking to this poor bastard back and forth. And my buddy's got a newspaper and I go, give me the lighter. And he gives me the lighter, he goes, what are you gonna do? And I get the newspaper, I burn the newspaper and I put it in his back pocket. And he's there talking to us in front of bath mark. Like six minutes go by and you see smoke and a little couple flames and we're fucking dying. And finally some lady comes out, she goes, hey you, you're on fire.

[Nick Askalise]

You're the fucking best.

[Joey Diaz]

Unc. I swear, this is torture stories. Like there was a summer we just tortured people. We'd get out of the car and just torture people. You know, we'd go, we'd stay in Jersey till three and then you went into the city and you were in the city at 3:30 in the morning in the village with a mirror on the hood, snorting coke, just drinking beers, like we owned the street. And people would walk by, hey, how are you? Hey, nice to see you.

[Lee Syatt]

Was that the one where like you had like not, not like a small mirror? Like you would. Had a big one?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, we robbed the house. And it had like those, you know, those things next to you where you put your like night cap and shit? No, in the bedroom where your alarm clock is. It was like one of those things that had a piece of glass in it. So we're like we're not gonna use that. Take the glass. We took the glass, you know, but we would stop people. Like, guys would come over and go, hey, what are you guys doing? Nothing. And then we talked to him for, like, 10 minutes. You want a beer? Yeah. Give him a joint. You want a joint? And then we'd start like, listen, let me ask you something. Have you ever considered being a fag? And they're like, yeah, no. Why you guys fags? All four of us, we're all 220 gorillas. And we're like telling this guy, hey, we like to suck dick and shit. And that was every night. We did that to some poor best.

[Lee Syatt]

How long would they last? Like, if I'm smoking a joint with somebody, I would leave pretty quickly.

[Joey Diaz]

25 minutes, 30 minutes. And we would.

[Lee Syatt]

Come on, they'll just chat with you.

[Joey Diaz]

Just one guy, he wants to suck your dick. Take him. And we would play it like, I want to suck your dick. And the guy would sit there like, what the fuck? You know, we grew up in your grandfather's house. I mean, it's. It's. I mean, you could hear all the stories. I know, but it's hard for you to. It was a different time. It was a different time when. You know, George, how many times I walk into your house at 2 in the morning and it was like a fucking party over there. Mom was up, your grandmother was up. You know, it was a different world. Like, if my house could change, I want it to be a LA. Like, I can't wait for Mercy to get like, two years older when they come home at 2 and they try to creep in and you come up like Joe Pesci's motherfucker. Ah, look who it is. You guys want to eat, and next thing you know, you're cooking a steak.

[Nick Askalise]

Oh, my grandma loved to cook a steak.

[Joey Diaz]

They love that shit at two in the morning. That does not happen in my house. If my wife has to cook something two in the morning, she's got a sour look on. Come on, man, go wipe some water on your face.

[Nick Askalise]

I love my Auntie Terry. Don't do it like that.

[Joey Diaz]

It's a party. It's a fucking party. Party. Get up. What the. There's eight people in your living room. Come on, you gotta get up.

[Lee Syatt]

Are you waking your wife up to cook?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah.

[Lee Syatt]

I can see why she might not.

[Joey Diaz]

My wife have a heart attack 10 times over. My daughter likes getting up in the middle of May. Like, the other night I went to bed like 11. I got up the next Day we went somewhere. She's like, did you hear me last night? I didn't hear you. She goes, I made some popcorn. I got a recipe offline. What do you mean you got a recipe? And she's telling me she fried up butter with marshmallows.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, nice.

[Joey Diaz]

And then you put the popcorn in there. And she goes, it didn't work, Dad. I came out like one big brick. I gotta eat it all.

[Lee Syatt]

So, like, what, because you just met Joey when he moved back, that's when you met.

[Nick Askalise]

No, I know Joe. When I was really young, he, like, when I was like a baby, he was coming back and forth to North Bergen, right? And I would see him through that. But then our first, like, real encounter is when we were in California when I went over there for Covid.

[Joey Diaz]

He came from, right?

[Lee Syatt]

No, no, no. I. But I'm just trying to like, what? What? When you got to be older, like middle school, what stories did he hear about Jelly?

[Nick Askalise]

Oh, my God. Everyone in North Bergen knows about Joey Coco Diaz. He was the craziest guy. People my age, they like, I can't believe that's your uncle. I used to rob my uncle.

[Joey Diaz]

It's just.

[Nick Askalise]

He's the man. It's. I'm gonna. I'm honored to be here. Because when I was younger, I used to watch you guys podcasts when you're like, oh, me and all my friends were like, 13, 14. We would hear all the real stories and we're like. People would ask me like, does he really do those things? When he was younger, I said, listen, it's a different time now.

[Joey Diaz]

He's a different time. That's what people will never comprehend. It was a different fucking time. The mindset was different. You know, kids, we were different. We grew up with that metropolis right across the way. What did you think was going to happen in a time when New York City was free? Free. You can do whatever. You can do whatever.

[Lee Syatt]

I thought you meant money wise, it was free.

[Joey Diaz]

No, nothing was free. Okay? Nothing was just taking. But it was for the taking. It was. If you wanted to hang out with Puerto Ricans, you go up to Fort Washington, right? If you want to hang out with Dominicans, you want to shoot heroin? You want to shoot heroin in both legs and have a Chinese chick cluck your ass, there's a spot in Coney island right under the Ferris wheel, you know, on the phone, they got everything for you in this town. Yeah, everything. And when you're that age and what was going on then, like, when we were growing up, Listen, I never went there. I love to tell people I was there. What was the place? We went to the city and fucked. Venus Fly trap. Remember? You had to have a couple to go in there. A girl. Come on, Plato's Retreat.

[Nick Askalise]

Shout out to them.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, when I was a kid, I heard about Plato's Retreat, right? When you're 12, you're like, I can't wait to go there.

[Lee Syatt]

Smack up.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm gonna fucking fuck people in every room. No, you're not, dude.

[Lee Syatt]

They still. I just did a show with a female comedian and she told me that they have a place like that that has like a naked comedy show.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, yeah, they want to go. But have you ever gone to an event that's naked?

[Lee Syatt]

No.

[Joey Diaz]

There's nobody there that you want to see naked, right? That's the problem. Like, I went to Jamaica to that naked beach. Not a soul. I brought binoculars, a telescope, a pussy finder. There ain't nothing you want to see. Nothing. Okay? Miami, the topless beach. They're throwing some heat, some nice titties, but those chicks can't catch you while looking at them. You just can't sit there with a fucking heart on waving pedophile. Yeah, so it's a cat 22. In other words, why go to the naked beach, Right? And you're no fucking tip top Magoo. Neither am I. I don't want to go to the beach. No, listen, the only way I would go on the beach if I had a cold, 12 inches dead, like, and it rolled around your leg a little bit and it had three different colors to it like a Neapolitan ice cream.

[Lee Syatt]

I still can't grade over. 12 inches dead. What is it? How big is it alive? If it's 12 inches dead, you gotta.

[Joey Diaz]

You gotta go for 15 cold, you know what I'm saying? Early in the morning, that's how you go out to a naked beach. You're gonna show me your little six inch guy. And within the hour when you start feeling comfortable, Magoomba's gonna Show up with 24 inches. And there you are under the seat with a blanket on again, putting suntan on your girlfriend's back, making sure she's looking the other way. Don't look that way. You got shot in the dick.

[Nick Askalise]

I will say this, my funniest encounter with you out in public so far is when we go out to eat every single time. So this one time we're going out and you already know what I'm gonna do. This Japanese guy comes up to Joey. He Goes, hey, are you Joey Diaz? He looks at him, he goes, are you Mr. Ohtani?

[Lee Syatt]

That wasn't it, dude. It was almost. The only differences is that guy didn't come up to you. That guy was sitting across the restaurant as he was leaving you the whole night, you're like asking questions. And then as he was gonna be like, nice to see you. And then he was like, oh, he was actually excited to see you. And then like, is it nice playing for the dog?

[Joey Diaz]

I asked him, do you play for the Dodge N Sushi restaurant?

[Lee Syatt]

He's like, no, I live around here. Oh, I thought you were Johan.

[Nick Askalise]

Oh my God, that was so funny. Listen, my generation, they love you. Just know that.

[Joey Diaz]

Let explain something, man. You know, that whole, and I could say this to that whole Italian Hoboken funny mentality was all over the place. You know, we're quick witted like this. Your grandmother was quick though. She was the king of quick. I heard her say a couple things that were fucking so quick. But a lot of people, I grew up in a fucking area where people are naturally funny, you know, George is naturally funny. These people are fucking naturally funny. Forget about the shit with your uncle. I mean, he was like the nicest guy in the world to me growing up. I always went over there and he always. You hungry? You know, I was just thinking about fucko over here. When we used to Friday nights when me and his uncle, during the week, I had no money and your uncle would come get me and take me the chance. When I have no money and you take me to Chance, I gotta kill for you on a daily basis. Like I gotta stab motherfucker, I'm a soldier, you know. He'd go over there and get the steak on a stick, the pork fried rice, the roast pork yakame, the slices with the sesame seeds on top and get beers and a zombie.

[Lee Syatt]

Look at me, I'm ready right now.

[Joey Diaz]

No, you have no idea. At the bar with Charlie, God rest his soul, or whatever happened to him, you know the Chinese bartender. That guy was there 30 years, we bought him a house. Those guys bought him a house. In the cocaine days, you know, he was a 20.

[Nick Askalise]

He was a 20.

[Lee Syatt]

He's a 20.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, 20. Those motherfuckers were giving them everything to lock the door, you know, Remember they had a quick route. You know how many times I was there at Chance? And we ended up going to the city three times for three different eight balls. It was only 20 minutes away. When you really think about a Friday night, we would do a collection and somebody else would go and come back. And the owner of Change, he's like, come on, just shake your fucking ass.

[Nick Askalise]

He's like, come on.

[Joey Diaz]

We used to destroy all these fucking restaurants. Like, we went to Piccolissimo. You know, I still talk about that shit. That was a place up in Fort Lee where pimps were hanging. And we were going in there at fucking 19.

[Lee Syatt]

What's going on?

[Joey Diaz]

Like, the dish was 20. We had 25. We ran the joint.

[Lee Syatt]

Dude, it blows my mind when people. Because there's a lot of people now who are around your age or younger who are like, I started listening to you when I was 11. Does that blow your mind at all?

[Joey Diaz]

Like, people yesterday. But I Usually when people walk up to the truck, I take off, right? Like, I already see you walking. So as you go like this, I'm going. You're like, hey, can I get a picture?

[Lee Syatt]

Joey Diaz.

[Joey Diaz]

Fuck you, picture. I gotta get out of here. Well, yesterday, for some reason, I was talking to somebody on the phone, and he came over. He go, hold one second. And all of a sudden, he got off the phone. And this guy, his name was Drew. He was a pleasure. Look, I remember his name. It was a real pleasure. Because he was the real deal. He had episodes, names, events, the time of you fucking puked, whatever.

[Nick Askalise]

Real fan.

[Joey Diaz]

But you didn't puke on cats.

[Lee Syatt]

No, I know.

[Joey Diaz]

I know, but, you know, he just. And when you talk to those people and they tell you one thing that connects with us, they're not gonna tell you, but they're gonna tell you their story. And in that story, it was addiction. He got clean. He started listening to us. And he told me. He goes, I come to the weed store all the time. It's not a drug. It's the other shit that was taking us down, and that's it. And when you look at it that way, it was. Listen, man, I talk to a lot of people the daytime, and some people just don't come off the right way. And some people just have that. I'm sitting next to them for an hour at a restaurant. As I go to leave, they open up on me and they tell me, hey, I didn't want to bother you, but I came to this show at the Stress Factory. I saw you with Rogan at the State Theater. I saw you in the city, you know? And it does something to you. You're like, what the is this? You know? Yeah. You think it's not weird that. Listen, everybody's got a following, okay? When you been around for a While people see your movies and they try to connect you. But what we had with the podcast was they didn't. When you see Adam Sandler, you don't know what Adam Sandler's about. He's doing a funny movie. Podcasting changed all that. And it tapped people. If you want to tell somebody, you have to be very honest to do this podcast shit. Because when you're telling people, you can't come on here and go, I sold eight kilos and I made eight. You're a fucking liar. Why would you even try to sell me that story? Tell me about when you failed.

[Lee Syatt]

Right?

[Joey Diaz]

And I got tons of those fucking stories. Do you know what I'm saying?

[Nick Askalise]

Professional.

[Joey Diaz]

Tell me when you failed and how you fucking overcame that. That's what we want to hear. That. That's what people want to hear. They're in the same fucking debt you are. They're in the same predicament you are. They're all in the same predicament. They did drugs. Their wife, whatever. How easy it is to get hooked on drugs in this country now.

[Nick Askalise]

Oh, they push the pills down.

[Joey Diaz]

How easy, bro? Can't get mad at somebody because they're junking it up. It happens just like that. You hurt your knee. Next thing you know, you're on pain pills. Next thing you know, you're in Newark shooting fucking heroin in your fucking legs. Who knows? I don't know.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm just telling you what I hear. So that's the connection. Our connection was that we weren't perfectly. You and I were far from perfect.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

I didn't come on here with a hairdo or with glasses on or with an Izod shirt on trying to. This is it. And this is as good as it's gonna get because this is how I walk around.

[Nick Askalise]

Right.

[Joey Diaz]

In the daytime.

[Nick Askalise]

Yeah, you're real.

[Lee Syatt]

It's it. And it's funny because I wouldn't say I felt bad, but when someone who's 25 was telling me that when they were 11, they were watching me do acid, I felt a little bit like, you know, it's like, oh, my God, I can't believe you. But then. Yeah, that's a better way of looking at it.

[Nick Askalise]

But also, it's not just you. Like, look, I'm doing this. Do it too. They. They just seen you get fucked up on it, like, I guess I'm not going to do acid.

[Joey Diaz]

Let's hope not, you know, Listen, when I see a 28 year old or a 22 year old, it's great. It shocks me a little bit. I try to be as nice as I can be. I'm gonna tell you who throws me off completely. I'm gonna tell you who throws me off, that I lose my breath.

[Nick Askalise]

Really? I already know women.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, that is very surprising.

[Joey Diaz]

25 to 34. That's the age gap with me that I just don't get it. You're too nice.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And they fucking go off when they're next to me. Even the boyfriends are like. They go off.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, those are fun. Those.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, those women are fun because they'll come over, say, hey, man, I love the. And the boyfriend's standing like, who the fuck is this mook?

[Nick Askalise]

Yeah, listen.

[Joey Diaz]

Like, I guess maybe her and her girlfriend listen to Rogan or something. And she listens, but they pull me aside later. They go, bro, you were my uncle. He's dead. He was a gangster. You're the same fucking person. That's when I go, holy shit. Because I get that all the time.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, dude. It's fun. And it's not bad. Like, when guys come up to you and say cocksucker, I get why. I know why they say it's funny. The women say. When they say it, I can always tell they're gonna be great. It's gonna be that woman who says she'll scream it from, like, right in the pain. So much fun.

[Joey Diaz]

They don't care.

[Nick Askalise]

Oh, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

I was at six'eighteen with my wife, and they was the hottest blonde in that joint, yelling, cocksucker. Buying you a drink, dog? I still got the drink on picture. Did I show it to you? It was the fucking martini with the Church of what's Happening Now.

[Lee Syatt]

No, I don't think so.

[Joey Diaz]

Come on, dog.

[Lee Syatt]

Holy shit.

[Joey Diaz]

And she goes, I saw you at the Bayside and you ran from me. I go, look at you. You're six foot one. You got size double D trees. You look like a fucking model. You got ass for days. The boyfriend didn't say a word. He just sat there like this. And she's like, fuck yeah, from Staten Island. Doug, you know, what am I gonna tell you?

[Nick Askalise]

They love you, man.

[Joey Diaz]

And you know what? At the end of all that cloud and the yelling, don't pull me over, Doug. I know a girl from a restaurant. I talk to this girl all the time. Great kid. She works the doctor I go to. She works next door, okay? And we became. She goes, I saw you there one time, and, yeah, I got that doctor. We started talking shit one day. I known her for, like, eight months, nine months. I went somewhere and she goes, joey, this is my mom. And I introduced her mom. The mom was cute and shit. And later on, she goes. I go, what your mom's thinking? She goes, this ain't crazy. This is a regular girl.

[Nick Askalise]

This ain't crazy.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, this ain't crazy.

[Nick Askalise]

Shout out to crazy.

[Joey Diaz]

No, this ain't crazy. This was just a regular girl. And she goes, my mom pulled me aside and said, now I know why you like him. He reminds you of dad. Because her dad died 10 years ago. Nick. Nick's friend. It's Nick's buddy.

[Nick Askalise]

Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm all friends with them. That side over there.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, that crew.

[Nick Askalise]

That's nice.

[Joey Diaz]

And that type of shit always makes me go, you saw the book signing? Yeah, I did the one in Staten island, dog. I had a girl that walked in there, a channeling girl that was a fucking 20, and she had six gorilla brothers tatted from shoulders to neck. They stopped eating steroids. They were just eating. They were just eating the syringes at this point. And the mother was throwing heat.

[Lee Syatt]

That's awesome.

[Joey Diaz]

And they came in, and she came in yelling and screaming, cutting the line, cutting the line.

[Nick Askalise]

Shout out the Italians.

[Joey Diaz]

She's like, here's the deal.

[Nick Askalise]

That's us.

[Joey Diaz]

My mom wants to cook for you. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

[Nick Askalise]

Let's go.

[Joey Diaz]

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. She just started going off, and then she went and talked to the mother, and the brother came home and he goes, listen, my father died four years ago. She became a retard. She heard you on some podcast talking about shit. She went crazy. She goes, it's time to get home. She was in high school listening to you.

[Nick Askalise]

Oh, shit.

[Joey Diaz]

Cause you remind. I mean, he goes. And to boot, it's real. You do remind us of our father. Holy shit. Are you sure you're not Italian? We had a look at you.

[Nick Askalise]

Everyone says that, dog.

[Joey Diaz]

They were like, we had to look at you and look at you up. Because maybe our father flipped and you sit there and you want to cry. Yeah, God damn it. You know, I thought it was because I. I told the joke about Selena.

[Nick Askalise]

Gomez or something like that that went viral, and we were just talking about that the other day. You continue to go viral, even with your old clips where you was the Karate Man, 600 pounds, or even that clip, the Selena Gomez. You didn't try to do that?

[Joey Diaz]

No, we weren't having a conversation.

[Nick Askalise]

You never tried?

[Joey Diaz]

People who try to go viral will never go viral.

[Lee Syatt]

I'm not trying to go viral.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm just Trying to do a podcast, Never to hang out on Mondays to get to meet new people for the audience to meet. Who's in the fucking background? So where'd you go to college, nigga?

[Nick Askalise]

So I went to John Jay Criminal justice in New York City.

[Joey Diaz]

And then where'd you go to high school? North Bergen.

[Nick Askalise]

Nah, I went to Paramus Catholic, Shout out the Paladins.

[Joey Diaz]

How come we got out of North Bergen?

[Nick Askalise]

You know, it was time to meet some white women. No, it was just I always wanted to go to a Catholic school, compete for sports, and that was the best opportunity for me.

[Joey Diaz]

And what was your major?

[Nick Askalise]

Out of college, I went to criminal justice. So I was thinking maybe go to law school and become a lawyer. And I was working at a law firm for a little bit. And then I wanted to do follow what my grandpa did. So now I'm entering the world politics. So we'll see where it goes from here. Coaching, no, coaching. Just making moves, making money, and supporting my uncle. Whatever he needs from me, and I'm here for him. So I can't wait for you start going on the road and get these shows done.

[Joey Diaz]

I gotta get healthy, man.

[Nick Askalise]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, and I get like. I got some good dates. They threw me some good places, right? Except one I don't want to go to. Yeah, fucking California.

[Nick Askalise]

It's gonna be a mystery.

[Lee Syatt]

Fuck California.

[Joey Diaz]

I love California and I love to go back there. Not to this particular. Right, No, I know, but beside that, it's all gravy and stuff, but it was just nice that, you know, the only connections I really have to North Bergen now, a couple people my age, like your uncle, Lisa Gallo and the rest, you know, Ciccarelli, who I gotta have on this fucking podcast. I forgot to call him today to.

[Nick Askalise]

Tell him to SW Mike Ciccarelli, shout.

[Joey Diaz]

Out to him, you know, all the kids I grew up with are in. What's that town you got invited to for the Super Bowl? Nyack. No, where'd you get invited? Your sister? Mawa. Shit. Like, you know, everybody I grew up with is a Mawa. Stuff like that.

[Nick Askalise]

They got money. They want to get out of here.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. No, and you can't blame them. I mean, listen, man, I drive through North Bergen today. I made a left somewhere, and I'm like, what the fuck? Oh. Cause it pulled me off Columbia Avenue. It pulled me off to three and took me to Columbia Avenue, which is great for me. Cause that's my grammar school. And then I got the hotel where the Iceman put the guy under the bed. And then you go under and you got that crazy hotel that's been there since I was a kid. That hotel was there in the sixth grade.

[Nick Askalise]

Oh, wow.

[Joey Diaz]

And it was still a hooker hotel. And the only thing difference is they had like an old fucking potato chip.

[Nick Askalise]

Are you talking about the Supreme Eight on the off dog?

[Joey Diaz]

I don't know. There's a Ramada where we stayed is now Ramada, okay? That's where we had our junior prom. They threw us out. Cause people were snorting coke off their dishes. They threw them out. You gotta go. You can't be doing coke off the dishes. It's for food. Right there. You make the. Right there. And there's a Hotel. There's McKinley. So if you go all the way up, all you're passing is the hotel and my grammar school. If you shoot down, you hit Tunley Avenue.

[Nick Askalise]

Yeah, I know exactly. You told that right there.

[Joey Diaz]

That hotel has been there since we used to go there to get potato chips. Not the Seville. The Yorkers were the dice man. Iceman, kill the guy. Then there's the one underneath Skyview. Oh, one of those nasty. Still there. Sky view.

[Nick Askalise]

Still there.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, yeah.

[Lee Syatt]

Anyway, I'm sure they're gonna be thrilled to hear this.

[Joey Diaz]

Like, what the fuck, nutburger? You didn't get 80 years. That hotel had been. They've taken kids from McKinley and killed them in there and had sexual relations and shit.

[Nick Askalise]

No renovations.

[Joey Diaz]

Why is that hotel still there? Oh my God. Yeah, that's. Cause that could be McKinley parking lot. And you know, you look at McKinley, it's great. But even my area, they built it up. It looks beautiful. Yeah, but it's like you put a suit on somebody who hasn't taken a shower in 30 years, they didn't fucking fit. You know what I'm saying? Like, when I go down by where my mother grew up, I get upset, man, because it still looks like 1975. Nothing has changed now. They didn't look to the future. They didn't know what was going to happen was going to happen. Because right now North Bergen could have been the new fucking Alpine.

[Nick Askalise]

Yeah, North Bergen has a lot of potential.

[Joey Diaz]

A lot of potential. You should have all that 88 area, knock it down like the fire in LA. That whole hill area, that's mansions looking out into the fucking horizon. That's it. These people can't afford it anyway.

[Nick Askalise]

Exactly.

[Joey Diaz]

The taxes aren't gonna. You got a bunch of people moving in from New York. It's amazing how much my town has changed. But at the same time it stayed the same. But there's nobody on the streets. Yeah, the kids are fucking old.

[Nick Askalise]

I've had babies. They don't go outside. It's a shame. Now I'm glad that my generation was the last one to, you know, go to the basketball court and scrape your knee. I got a few scars, you know. Now look at these kids.

[Joey Diaz]

The other thing was, I was at the bottom by Tunnelly Avenue today, by Pathmark, wherever the fuck that is, and I looked up that hill, and I was like, if that hill was there when I was a kid, I think I'd be staying home, too. That is fucking murder.

[Nick Askalise]

Heavy hill. North Bergen, with the hills.

[Joey Diaz]

That particular one is a mile straight, and you ain't done yet. It's a mile straight at a pace. Forget that. You know, I think you walk on.

[Nick Askalise]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You ain't gonna be doing that up that hill.

[Lee Syatt]

Have you seen anyone slide down it, dog?

[Joey Diaz]

Just focus on going up it. You know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syatt]

Well, that's. Yeah, that's what the.

[Joey Diaz]

Is wrong with you.

[Nick Askalise]

Slide down.

[Lee Syatt]

Sliding down would be. I would just sit at the bottom of.

[Joey Diaz]

You want to slide down? I'll take you to hill behind the police station.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, I'm not planning on sliding down.

[Joey Diaz]

Be up with aluminum foil. Okay. And when I get, like, a foot of snow, we'll just roll you and just mark what point you're gonna die at. Not from hitting, but from the heart attack, because that hill is like this.

[Lee Syatt]

Why do. I don't. I don't want to have.

[Joey Diaz]

And the one down one is like this, too. It's 2. 46. And the police station hill. Oh, and even that street, you got to go around. No, you pass by Egg Aziz and then go down. Now, dog, those. Those hills.

[Nick Askalise]

You're dying. They call it Dead man Hill.

[Joey Diaz]

Dead man Hills? Yeah. We were kids on 46.

[Nick Askalise]

Two people died on that bottle.

[Joey Diaz]

No, there's cemeteries there.

[Nick Askalise]

Oh, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

So 30 years ago, you know, 40 years ago, 50 years ago, they didn't know the cemeteries are on a hill. It would rain, and it would wash the graveyard shut up. And one time, a casket flew out of there and came flooding down 4060 and hit the bottom where Carlos Quintero lives. It's fucking insane, those hills, dog. I still remember being a kid. There was a softball field behind that. Okay. There was a baseball field or something, right? 46th Street Field.

[Nick Askalise]

The baseball field's still there.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. Okay. There was a field there. And one night, I was about 12, and I went over to Anthony Balzano's house. Cause you want to talk about. Time's changing. Let's lay it on the fucking line right now. And we're talking about. We're playing basketball. It's about 8:30, and all of a sudden, you know, anthony, I'm going home, man. All right, see you tomorrow. And all of a sudden, Anthony comes to the gate and he goes, coco, before you go home, my father wants to see you. Perfect. I go over there. They hit me with the giddy salute. You're hungry. You know, you're hungry. We made sandwiches. We got meatballs, you know, all the chicken, pork. He always was very. He was always very, you want a T shirt? You know? So he's like, can you tell your mom you want to sleep over here? I got work for you tomorrow. And I go, yeah. He goes, what kind of work? It goes construction work. You were working with Frankie and Peter and Jimmy and Anthony and Dominic and a bunch of kids from the block. He gave us all work for a day. Oh, wow. Okay. He goes, I want you here at 6, so why don't you guys just stay in the house? So we all went and got our. He set up. We listened to KISS records all night.

[Nick Askalise]

You know, he had fun.

[Joey Diaz]

Faggotry. Yeah, someday I'm gonna a chick like that. Yeah, we got hair on their dick.

[Nick Askalise]

You got the same condom in your pocket.

[Joey Diaz]

So we got up at 6. He gave us a great breakfast. It was summertime, so it wasn't even cold out. We all went up there. Tons of water, tons of sodas, tons of sandwiches. Then he had a meeting. He goes, here's the deal. You're gonna break everything down. But if you see a cop car or a city car, you got a duck. And ever since that time, I knew I wanted to be a gangster. It was fucking hysterical living down there. And that's how I met your family, because it was Democos against somebody else. And at that time, you rented out a truck and you sat behind the truck and played bongos. So they had a spic on there. So it was like Team A. And I was growing up at Carmines pretty much, so I was political. And in those days, you didn't go out. I don't like the facts. This is how you're voting, whether you like it or not. I like that. Like, two of the three of the guys went to knock on my door and they talked to my mother and they talked to me. And I remember, like, that was just nice. And I was gonna vote for them anyway. They didn't have to go through the whole room. But they knew my mother was involved with numbers, so that had to be a little piece of the action. But I understood all these things growing up, but that was what. And I remember we. We tore that place apart. But every time a cop would go, we'd have to fucking. We'd have to hide like Rambo in two, you know what I'm saying? Behind the mud and shit. It was just. So that's how we grew up. And then the summers, like, he just went over there the last day of school, like in the sixth grade, and you're like, well, what are you gonna do all summer, Coco? And he just ask you, I don't know. Mr. Balzano, what do you think? How about a job?

[Nick Askalise]

How about make a little scuttle?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. Make a little money. You don't have to go. You have to go. Just go down to 6th street and have a check for your town hall. Every Friday. That was it. My whole job was walking the town hall and getting a check and walking home. And my mom was like, where are you getting these $48? It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Does it matter?

[Lee Syatt]

It kind of matters. Are you like 12 years old?

[Joey Diaz]

And then I got older and I think freshman going into sophomore year, I went to him again. Every summer I go there. What do you got for me? I got a job out here. One day a week, you go out there and watch him sweep the roof. That was what he would say to me. Just go out there and watch him sweep the roof. 12 bucks an hour. I'm fucking 12. It was 450 for fucking. Whatever. Whatever that fucking thing is. The age gap where they give you, if you're Cuban, they give you 15 an hour. Now.

[Nick Askalise]

There'S something wrong with my uncle, guys.

[Joey Diaz]

Dog, it was hysterical. So that summer, he got me a job at Horace Mann as a fucking janitor.

[Nick Askalise]

Shout out to Horace Mann.

[Joey Diaz]

You know how many times I went there? Two, maybe four, to pick up a check. Then they said, we'll just leave it at town hall. That's better for me. Me, I take a bus all the way up here and waste my time.

[Nick Askalise]

Please, and toddle me.

[Joey Diaz]

But I still remember walking in there, being in shape, and there's a bunch of old guys with all got limps. Ah, my back. They're puffing out the floor and moving the chairs. And I'm like, what's going on, guys? And they would just look at me. Ah, it's him. He ain't going to help us.

[Nick Askalise]

This Young crowd.

[Joey Diaz]

You guys need help? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll be right back. Let me go put my soda away. Get the out of here. I'd run right down. That was. You know. And you hate to say these things, listen, we were fucking kids who knew if he was paying me out of his pocket just to be cool, you know? But it was just. That's the mentality we grew up with. We were always robbing something, and we never got in trouble for it. When you don't get in trouble for robbing, you keep robbing.

[Nick Askalise]

And you were the king of that.

[Joey Diaz]

Especially when you got an eye for shit people like when you rob. This kid's got a nice eye.

[Nick Askalise]

He's bringing good money in. Yeah, he's a nerd.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm not coming to your house with a stereo with wires on. I'm coming with a box designed newest TV presentation. I have presentations. I think the biggest fucking joke of my career. I'll tell people all the time this deep, deep. Listen, you have those moments in your life. You have to think about what the moments are, and that define you. There's like two, maybe three of them. It wasn't the kidnapping, but one of the things that put me on the map and it made people go, I don't know about Coco. Was when I robbed. Michael's Jewish in 1981. I was fucking 82. I was 19 years old. You know, I lost a bet. I had to pay to bet. I had to pay to bet. He was a coach, you know, he was one of my coaches. I loved him to death. I had to pay the bet. I couldn't stiff him. It was two grand. Oh, I couldn't stiff him. And that was my only option. That's what people never knew, that that was my only option. I couldn't stiff this guy. I could stiff anybody else. If it was anybody else, I would have told him to go fuck themselves in a heartbeat, like I had done before, right? But I couldn't do it to him.

[Lee Syatt]

So. And.

[Joey Diaz]

And I called him like a man. I go, listen, man, I'm trying to get your money. You're gonna have it on Thursday. But if I get into beef, I need to know that you're gonna help me a little bit. And he'd go, what are you talking about? I go, if you get a call from somebody, which they will call you. I need to know that I have your support on this. Cause I'm going all out to get you this money so you don't look bad. I'm going all out now, he had no idea what I was talking about.

[Lee Syatt]

No.

[Joey Diaz]

And I robbed that jewelry store at 11 in the morning that Thursday. And by 3 o'clock I called him up and I go, let's meet. And I gave him his money and I gave him a gold chain. And I said, this is my souvenir to you, you dumb fuck. I robbed Michael's Jewelers. Even he looked at me like, no, you didn't. I go to lunch with that guy once a week. Like it was fucking absurd.

[Nick Askalise]

Oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, we robbed at 11 in the morning. I'll never forget this. We robbed at 11 in the morning. We were back in the house by 11, breaking up jewelry. Nobody knew.

[Nick Askalise]

You breaking up jewelry?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, like there was cops. You could hear the sirens. And it was us three just taking the jewelry out and straightening it up. Then we picked our own shit. And we were fucking. I hate to say the word, I'll say it for the Spanish people. We were spics. And I was the only Spanish guy there. It was three white dudes, all of us were white. But I was the only spic in all of us from that moment, we put on the thickest bracelet and we had the three thickest, longest golden chains. And I'll never forget walking down. What's the top of your grandma's block?

[Nick Askalise]

Grand Avenue.

[Joey Diaz]

Walking on Grand Avenue. It's three in the afternoon. We just robbed this place. And we're walking on Grand Avenue with the jewelry on, with a bag of jewelry, like, to sell on the street like Puerto Ricans. And I'll never forget, two dear friends of mine were driving. And as they pulled up, they even uttered the words like, look at these motherfuckers. They pulled it off because usually when people tell you shit, they don't do it. What happened? We were down there. The cops. I robbed that place two times already. I knew all the insult doors and out. For me to rob it a third time to the balls. But I was desperate.

[Nick Askalise]

That's dangerous.

[Joey Diaz]

And I'd been setting that up. It was one of those things that you look at and go, you know what? I'm not gonna do it today, right? But eventually, I'm coming back in to get mine. I checked it out. It wasn't connected, it wasn't plugged in. There was no lock on it, there was nothing. But I know for a fact, when I, in my heart, I will tell you this today, that when I did that, that day, like, by 3:00, we already were walking down Grand Avenue. By 5, everybody was paid I had already cut a deal for a pound of tie stick, which I'll get to you later. And we had already bought, like, fucking an ounce a blow by 8:00, and we still had two bags of jewelry left. And that was Thursday. And I'm walking down the hill, like, at 5 in the morning with the jewelry coked up out of my mind, and I bump into God rest his soul, Kurt DiLaurento. And I go, kurt. Now, I trusted Kurt. Like, I trust you guys. I could give Kurt this, and he'll be there with the water at that level. I go, I don't want to bring this home in case the cops raid me tonight.

[Nick Askalise]

Smart.

[Joey Diaz]

Put this in your grandmother's apartment. Downstairs. I went home, I took a nap dog. Now, Kurt was built like a Greek God. I get up, I eat my breakfast. I call Kurt. I go, I'm on my way over. He goes, good, good, good, good. There's some people over here that want to see. I'm like, fucking Kurt. I'm probably gonna walk into the cops, bro. I walk in, Kurt has got a. You know those dealer tables? You know the fucking mink? It was black. He got on his mother's table, he had all the jewelry put out. He had no shirt on, and he had, like, 10 gold chains on, and he had a pocket full of cash. I'm like, kurt and a bunch of people there, he was having, like, a yard sale, and he was asking people for more money than I would because each chain had a label on it. Like, if it said 1800, I'd say, Give me 800. Kurt was like, give me a thousand. So I get there, he just handed me a bunch of money, and I gave him a chain and his mother. And even Chris, the brother tells me today, she died with that chain.

[Nick Askalise]

She knows he died.

[Joey Diaz]

She loved that fucking chain. I gave everybody a fucking chain, though. That was like, Johnny, Chuck, the community. It was, you know, just to think of what the fuck we were doing at that age. Just to put in perspective, like, we had just graduated. I didn't graduate. The dudes I ran with, I just graduated in June. None of us had jobs. We were just getting off the fat of land the whole summer. We were walking into places that had 30 air conditions. We had 30 air conditioners at one time. At 200 a piece. Those went like this. I took them up to Nick's Pizza and put them in front. Nick was out there. Come here, come here. 250. 250 cigarettes. Oh, yeah. Everybody made an angle but the gold Chain thing was just like. After that, it just spread like fucking wildfire. We were like kings. For three weeks, we were eating fucking. You should have seen us eating breakfast eggs and steak every morning. Like gangsters going down Seaside with fucking. Getting the big room upstairs, you know? Yeah. No more 18 room and a guy. And then we were having it like it was. We robbed it September 18th of 1982. We had like. We had like. Yeah. Cause it was. That Monday was Pittsburgh fucking Dallas. We lost on Monday Night Football.

[Nick Askalise]

That's tough.

[Joey Diaz]

To the coach. We had nobody else to put the bet in. Win. We're like, it's a lock. Let's do it. Call the camel. Call the camel. And we put the fucking bed in.

[Nick Askalise]

Oh, God bless that man.

[Joey Diaz]

So. Oh, my God. And I had to pay him his money. That's what a lot of people never fucking knew about me. Now, the camel had a partner, another gym teacher. And I one day was with the camel. And the camel called the main house. That's. In those days, you had to call them and go. They would ask you before you signed up with them, what type of car do you have? And he would have to. You'd have to say the black Tesla. That was your coach. And he'd go, who's this black Tesla? One day he called and he said a different car name. And I didn't know. I just took the name to go in my memory bank. And I was calling that place every night, banging it out. And one night I get a call from the camel. He goes, hey, man, somebody banged up like a $8,000 fucking bill on a different gym teacher. Do you know who that is? Not even a soul. I would come back. I would leave for 10 years, come back, and they'd bring it up to me. Dog. He's really hurt.

[Nick Askalise]

He's hurt. You're terrible. Isn't he the best, Lee?

[Lee Syatt]

Of course.

[Joey Diaz]

But.

[Lee Syatt]

But you were saying, like, that was like, one of, like the. Like, stealing was like. Like a changing moment in your life.

[Joey Diaz]

That situationally from what was going on. And I was living. My mother had died for two years earlier. I was out there running wild. And this was just. It let me know I was alive. At that time. I was dead for two years. And as stupid as the story is, it let me know I was alive.

[Lee Syatt]

That's another. Because what I was thinking was that you had a buddy who you gambled with, and he lost. And, like, he spent, like a summer working three jobs or whatever. And, like, I was gonna ask if you ever thought about doing that. But I'm not saying you're proud of what you did, but it sounds like it was kind of good for you. Is that what you're saying?

[Joey Diaz]

At that age, I had nothing holding me down. It's not like I had a mom or dad. I had a report anywhere. I was basically a nomad living in my friend's basement, right? Okay. And they were either gonna beat me up or whatever. I couldn't do it to him. Cause he had to go to his people now and go, this guy don't have the money. I gotta put him on a payment plan. Which is worse. Cause they juicially right for 10 points.

[Nick Askalise]

Need those points.

[Joey Diaz]

Seven points. And that's even worse. So it was just a bad. This is 82. Fuck. Nut got in trouble a year later and he lost 160,000. God rest his soul.

[Nick Askalise]

80S.

[Joey Diaz]

He was my brother, that kid. And he was a great kid. He lost, bro. He was up a ton of loot going into the Redskins against the Dolphins. And he went the wrong way and sat on people's action. And it was not a good morning that next morning. It was not a good couple weeks. And then he had to tell his parents. But I already had to leave. I had already an out. I was robbing a bookmaker in West New York. I was gonna pay a few people and then get the fuck outta here. I already had an out. I was leaving with the kid named Jimmy Burkle. And Jimmy couldn't wait for me because I kept saying, jimmy, if I get this bookie, it's a big difference from me going out there with 500 to 50,000. I can't keep waiting for you. Jimmy left on a Thursday. I'm like, I'm dead. I went to the. There used to be a travel agency next to a recruiting station on Bergen Line. And I went to the fucking travel agency. I had a choice. I could join the recruitment station or I could go to Colorado. So I went next to. And I got one way to Colorado to take me out there, right? And two days later, I walk into the bar and there's Jimmy Burko. The transmission broke in Pennsylvania to get towed back. So fucking that's. God. I was like, when are you leaving? Tuesday. I'm in that fucking car with you. And then I went and robbed the bookie. But I couldn't break in. That's when the dog turned on me. After I fed him for five days. Burger King. I wasn't even eating. I'm feeding this fucking dog and now I want to Go get a German shepherd. Like, all of a sudden, I forgave him. You know what I'm saying?

[Nick Askalise]

You want a baby, Savage?

[Joey Diaz]

So this political game you're getting into.

[Nick Askalise]

Yes, sir.

[Joey Diaz]

Rough game. Big payoff.

[Nick Askalise]

Definitely. Big payoff.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, it seems like to me. Listen, I don't know anything about politics. So when I talk to you about politics, we're talking about here, Hudson County. And it seems to me. Listen, everybody knows. Every mayor in Hudson county the last 80,000 years has ended up in prison, dead or electrocuted. I mean, there's no even. Menendez. When is he going away?

[Nick Askalise]

That poor bastard got 11 years.

[Joey Diaz]

But, you know, it's like, one thing I do have to admit. I grew up here. So George grew up in Bergen County. I grew up in Hudson County. I grew up in Union City. My mom had the bar there. We had a lot of contact there with people.

[Nick Askalise]

Exactly.

[Joey Diaz]

North Bergen. I was in the Hub. Downtown. I was in the fucking Hub right there with the A team. You know, I still remember how good Peter Marco was to me as a kid, you know? And I never forget that. Like, I'll never. I didn't know Joe then. I didn't deal with Joe. I always dealt with Peter. And here's what I remember. I was a basketball player, guys. And there's nothing like going to a basketball place. And the fucking. There's no net. Or the net is broken, especially if it's made out of metal.

[Nick Askalise]

The worst.

[Joey Diaz]

It gets caught up there. And now you gotta do fucking. You gotta jump after every fucking shot and get the gun. I swear to my mother's grave, I would go to 38th Street park or any other park I was at, but 38th Street, I would go there. If the kids tangled the net at night, I would just fucking cross the street, ring the Belzano Bell. Marianne would go, what's going on? Nothing. Can I use your phone? And I would call fucking Town hall. I knew the number in the back of my head.

[Nick Askalise]

Get that tape.

[Joey Diaz]

Can I get the mayor's office, please? Yes. Who says? Coco Diaz. Hold on. Boom. Who do you want to talk to, Peter? Six minutes, coach. What's going on? Mr. Mark, I don't want to bother you. I know it's hot, you got a lot on your plate, but my fucking net is down over here.

[Nick Askalise]

Come on, man.

[Joey Diaz]

Bro. By the time I hung up the phone and went outside, there was a truck, some Puerto Rican dude with a ladder, with another guy giving him a wrench. You know, when you were a kid, you don't Forget that shit.

[Nick Askalise]

Of course not.

[Joey Diaz]

On a hot day. I also don't forget how, you know, he used to go, do you guys play there all day? Yeah, I'll have something for you by 1 o'clock and a week later. He always sent the prison sandwich, you know, the bologna with the American cheese. You brought the sandwich. He brought the smoking ones. You know, the fucking. The peel and eat cheese, the smoking goods. An apple. A drink came in, like a sugar cookie or something? Yeah, there was like a milk, an orange drink. It wasn't orange juice, it was orange, right? And it was still, you know, bro. But I remember, though, then they used to send down those buses. They took you to Yankee Stadium. I went to Yankees with no seat.

[Nick Askalise]

Belts and shit, jumping up at that.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. You know, these little fags today got seat belts, air conditioning. We had that hot tin motherfucker. Nobody ever died like that. There's a case right now in Jersey where a lady left a little retarded girl in the back.

[Nick Askalise]

Oh, boy.

[Joey Diaz]

And she died in the bus. Did you see that? She sued her. She's gonna win. I don't know what's going on. I don't mean to bring light on it like that, dog. I saw fist fights. Like, you talk about fist fights in emergency room, right? I saw a fist fight in my grammar school. Not once, not twice, like three times. And nobody had fucking trauma. Nobody had to see the school counselor. I couldn't come to school tomorrow. I saw Luis Hernandez beat up the principal. You just went home. You didn't even tell your parents. How was school today? You didn't tell your parents.

[Nick Askalise]

Talk about nothing.

[Joey Diaz]

Nothing. You haven't.

[Lee Syatt]

You don't see it any. Like you. You've told stories. A fistfight at your school. You saw parents coming to beat up teachers at your school.

[Nick Askalise]

Tremendous North Bergen in the late 70s.

[Joey Diaz]

And this is why I say to people like. And I know you heard a ton of this shit from your uncles, because that generation, like you have three generations of uncles. And let me tell you something, your Uncle Mike, that was 80, 81. They had their own issues. And then Vinnie showed up. And that's a crew of 84, 85, who won the States. And that's animals, savages. Because they picked up what we were like, we're gonna go our own ways now. They're like, well, we're picking up that Deutsche. Bring out the shovels. We're going right into that.

[Nick Askalise]

Frank sinatra.

[Joey Diaz]

They were 85. I was. No, yeah, 85. I went to in 85. But the winter of 85, those kids won the states. And North Bergen had become powerhouse. No, it wasn't even the football added to what was going on in the city of North Bergen. And the city of North Bergen, like every other city in Hudson county, was going off because this was the main shipment of the drugs. Lincoln Cutter Hotel. All those hotels you see out there, all those fucking Ramadas and all that shit. They had the old lady upstairs and two machine guns with tequila and. And the family of six downstairs. It was a family vacation. That's when they bring in 10 kilos of coke. You went to the hotel, you met them, they took it. They went to fucking. There was no American Dream Mall. They just went out there and looked. Ooh. And then they got back in there, you know. I mean, that's where all that shit started. Yeah, that's where all that shit started. All those dirty hotels you see on Route 3. Where do you think they were staying?

[Nick Askalise]

They're still there.

[Joey Diaz]

That Howard Johnson. You walk in there, you test positive. There used to be Howard Johnson's right on Route 3, Seacaucus. It's not close to anything. And they have a restaurant in the building. I knew 10 dudes that would set that coke up there and then stay at another hotel with their wives and kids and put like a mule there at that hotel until you get up to Union City and then expanded. And then this whole fucking town was fucking twitching for three fucking days.

[Lee Syatt]

I'm just that blow. Because like, I go to hotels now and they like, you need id, you know, Like, I can't imagine just getting all these hotel rooms. Just a name and cash.

[Joey Diaz]

Name and cash. You kept it simple. All those hotels on Tunnelly Avenue, those are sex hotels. Filthy. You ever go to one? I've been to two or three of them myself. That's when you take your girlfriend. You start scratching when you leave. Thereby Zhichi in the car. I've never definitely get crabs, you know, Crabs is like. You walk in there, you get crabs.

[Nick Askalise]

Those are the dirtiest of the dirtiest dirty still there. The Domino Inn. Right down the block from my grandma dog.

[Joey Diaz]

They have a tub in there. You know how many times I went from fucking your grandfather's over there? I know one night particularly, I went.

[Nick Askalise]

Right from there, right down the block.

[Joey Diaz]

And they had that Jacuzzi. And you could see little kids in there. Like what they were going to look like 10 years from now. Oh, that place was fucking disgusting. You woke up in those places, you didn't know what was worse. Like your life like when you open your eyes in one of those hotels, you look over, you're like, all right, I must have fucked her. And then you look at your money. That's gone. You look to see if there's coke left. That's gone. Everything's upside down in the air. The mirrors broke. The straw got broken in half. And your fucking page is going off. You owe like $10,000. What are my options? She's waking up. Did my boyfriend call? I don't fucking know. Your boyfriend called.

[Lee Syatt]

I was gonna say, is this a place you bring a girlfriend? Or is this a place you bring someone who.

[Joey Diaz]

Like, if you pick them up at Corky's, right? There was like, two girls I picked up at Corky's. Like, I had a. I was homeless. Homeless. I was homeless. I take them there, get a shower, shower them up.

[Nick Askalise]

Nobody knew nothing.

[Joey Diaz]

Nobody knows nothing. The next morning, everybody goes home. There's no breakfast. There's no buffet.

[Nick Askalise]

It's $30.

[Joey Diaz]

The towel is dirty, there's blood on it.

[Nick Askalise]

You know, $30 a day, Lee.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Or you buddy out, right? But if you get closer down to the Ramada, those are my. That's the first time I ever free Baste was down in those hotels.

[Lee Syatt]

And fond memories.

[Joey Diaz]

That's when the guy invented the word tremendous.

[Lee Syatt]

By the hour.

[Joey Diaz]

By the hour.

[Lee Syatt]

Do they just come and knock on your door 55 minutes? What do they do?

[Joey Diaz]

5 minutes, get out in 60 minutes. You pay. You pay. It's always an immigrant guy. They know one guy named Chuck working behind the window. It's somebody you don't understand. And you're in midnight because they didn't.

[Lee Syatt]

Know what they were getting into when they got hired.

[Joey Diaz]

And also, this guy wants us 1850. And you're like, you gotta be fucking. Seriously.

[Lee Syatt]

There's a three hour minimum.

[Joey Diaz]

Trust me. I don't even need three hours at the end of the day. You don't even. At the end of the day. I saw that list that Americans are like, the worst. We last, like six minutes. What's it, the three hours. I want to talk to you for two and a half hours. About what? About the three channels. Looking at, you know, I'm watching.

[Lee Syatt]

You don't have to stay in the.

[Joey Diaz]

Room watching the Lone Ranger. You know what I'm saying?

[Nick Askalise]

I want to say one thing. I got a call from my uncle. The other, like, probably around Christmas, he goes, you see that thing on the news? I was like, what are you talking about? He goes, the band, that's blind. They're up and down. They're jumping up and down in front of the tree.

[Lee Syatt]

The band and blind.

[Nick Askalise]

Oh, my God. It was put. A bunch of kids. You kept. I think you might have been lying. You were tormenting me over the holidays.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't know what I was saying, dog. I went on a deep tap for like 60 days of mushrooms. I wanted a deep. Every other day I was eating, I would push the envelope more and more. Then I would experiment. I do like 7 grams. Then two hours later, once you do the mushrooms, you say eat them straight. If you do more later on, it's.

[Lee Syatt]

Not gonna work for you, right?

[Joey Diaz]

At least it didn't work for me. It was deep. But I'm back now, like fucking, you know. Tip top Magoo. A couple days at the hospital. He's in his pride and now we gotta go for it. And that's it. Little by little you get healthy.

[Lee Syatt]

I'm happy for you.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm taking my vitamins. What are you happy about?

[Lee Syatt]

That you're not in the hospital.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, thank you. I'm happy.

[Lee Syatt]

And the only thing I'm not mad about, but when you're talking about. About that band, I. There's only like three or four of them. But when you find a video you like, there's nothing that gives you more joy. Like, I was just thinking about that black dude who put the firecracker in his eyeball. That video that got sent to us on acid church with the dude just dancing like.

[Joey Diaz]

Like.

[Lee Syatt]

There's like been like three or four videos that you really like on YouTube. Oh, yeah, that one was fun. Jesus. But that. That you would send me that dude with the dynamite in his eye.

[Nick Askalise]

Like.

[Lee Syatt]

Three in the morning sometimes.

[Joey Diaz]

Nothing ever shocked me like the Duncan one on acid that night. Cuz I was on fire from the acid and all of a sudden I get a text message. I'm like, what's this rattling on my phone? The. And I look, I open it up and it's this Spanish dude, or so we thought we didn't know. Mustache with clothes. And all of a sudden he starts tap dancing and he starts taking off his clothes. And this guy had no dick. It was like a vagina. He's dancing and I sent it to everybody in my phone. West coast, east coast. I didn't care where you were. And you don't even text me and Ari that night. Go, Ahrii. Teach me how to do this.

[Nick Askalise]

He said, teach me how to do this.

[Joey Diaz]

Send everywhere. Send it to the pope, whatever. We could send it to the next day. Only One person picked me back. That ain't right, though, dude.

[Lee Syatt]

I'll have to see if I can find it somewhere.

[Joey Diaz]

It came on my phone about 2:30 in the morning. I had to wake up my wife, the kids. It shocked us and shit. We had to say a prayer. Oh, my God.

[Lee Syatt]

That one was scary because it wasn't that he, like. It was like, pixelated. So he was in the back a little bit. He's like, oh, this dude just dancing. Have a good time. And then he gets closer and his dick looked like a. You know those balloons that can blow up into animals but before you blow into it. And it was just like ringy and just kind of hanging there.

[Nick Askalise]

It was.

[Lee Syatt]

And he's just flopping it around and that. Like, I think those are, like. Those videos are the hardest. They hear you laugh like those.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, Nicholas, funny, because I still remember you being young, your brother being two, three years older than you. And you being at your grandma and your mom with the stroller. And then I bumped into you somewhere else with her. And this time you were walking. You guys are going to a game, so an athletic event.

[Nick Askalise]

My mom was always taking me to games everywhere across the country.

[Joey Diaz]

But I grew up with your mom. You know, it was your Uncle Greg that said, listen to the Dirt album. I already liked Alice in Chains, but I wasn't sold. And I'll never forget, every time I put that album on, I think of Greg at that bar on top of. On Kenny Boulevard, on the top of 90th street, whatever that was there on the corner. Yeah. Now it's a diner. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember when that bar was there, the annoying guy. I'm friends with the biggest comedy manager. They had a chick that worked there. They had a woman that worked there that had to be 40 with, like, fake tits, the whole thing. And her husband was set at the bar. She was doing tricks in the men's bathroom. I remember one that I got up and I'm like, dog, I'm gonna suck my pipe. She's like, listen, come home with us and wait for my husband to fall asleep. We'll fool around the basement. 50 bucks. And I'm like, what are you.

[Nick Askalise]

Come home with me and my husband for 50 bucks.

[Joey Diaz]

Your husband's up there snoring. What the is wrong with people, man?

[Nick Askalise]

Your life is different.

[Joey Diaz]

It's crazy how I just grew up in your house and I'll sit here and tell you that I still remember, like, just dying of laughter the first time I walked in your grandfather's house. Just to put this in perspective, it was probably 1977.

[Nick Askalise]

Wow. That's the year he won a state championship.

[Joey Diaz]

Yes, yes. Cause that's how we end. They weren't there. No, I was there with Michael listening to Ted Nugent and Greg was a little boy on the couch sleeping downstairs. Had like three beds and Greg was just a tiny four year old boy and he was passed out. And Mike had 15 people in the room with music turned on him. And I go, mike, what about this guy?

[Nick Askalise]

Don't worry about it.

[Joey Diaz]

He woke up the next morning, he didn't know nothing. He was covered in cigarette smoke and shit.

[Nick Askalise]

My grandma was probably finding that hysterical.

[Joey Diaz]

They'd wonder when they won the States. It was a complete night out. Yeah. Nobody came home. They ended up at a diner or something. They would go to a fuso's dugout. Yeah, those were your fuso dugout days.

[Nick Askalise]

Back in the day.

[Joey Diaz]

That's the day there, you know, so it's really nice to see that you've grown up to be a man.

[Nick Askalise]

Thank you, uncle.

[Joey Diaz]

I appreciate it. Following your grand father's footsteps.

[Nick Askalise]

Yes, sir.

[Joey Diaz]

Savage in his own right.

[Nick Askalise]

Keep the Askalyse legacy going.

[Joey Diaz]

And we're gonna keep it going as much as we can. Because it was about at the end, the Achilles legacy. He had a great, he was a great coach.

[Nick Askalise]

Thank you.

[Joey Diaz]

He was. You know, I don't have to tell you that. You read the accolades and shit. I know, but it. They weren't politicians, dog. They were gonna do this for the kids no matter what. That's their job.

[Nick Askalise]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

When you gain kids trust and they can't talk to their parents because that's the kids who. Their home lives are shit. Yeah. And at one point these coaches, they find out what's going on and now they gotta step in and they did.

[Nick Askalise]

My grandpa, my grandma definitely stepped in, Doug.

[Joey Diaz]

They stepped in. And I'm talking about at every level here. I had a coach, John Barone. I had him on here.

[Nick Askalise]

He's like an uncle.

[Joey Diaz]

He took me home when my mother died. I mean, these are people that didn't have to do this shit. That's why, you know when you, when people talk to me about politics now you want to know why? Because that's a relationship I want. I'm not gonna get it, so why you bullshitting me? Why you wasting my fucking time?

[Nick Askalise]

Exactly.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, you don't look me in the eye, you don't shake my fucking hand. You didn't go to my mother's wake half those Guys went to my mother's wake. They walked in and ran the fuck out when they saw people were doing blow and shit. But they showed up.

[Nick Askalise]

They showed up at restraint.

[Joey Diaz]

They went to church. They're Italian. They have to show up. So, you know, this is the world I grew up in. I say a lot of fucked up shit about this world, but that's the flip side. Guys like his granddad, even the guy who, you know, Balzano. I talk about him, Mr. Bender. These guys raised us, bro. There was nothing that they didn't have to come. You never had to go up to him and go, I'm hungry. They fucking knew. They took the pressure off me. They could see you walking. Hey, Duck. You're hungry.

[Nick Askalise]

Come on.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. And that's, you know, that's what means everything to me. Not eating. But that gesture.

[Nick Askalise]

Right?

[Joey Diaz]

And that's what we've lost. Let me get that water before. I'm sorry to bother you.

[Lee Syatt]

So what's the ultimate goal, Nick? Like, what is, you know, 20 years from now?

[Joey Diaz]

What?

[Nick Askalise]

Not 20, 10 years from now. I'd like to be a mayor.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay.

[Nick Askalise]

That's my goal. By the time I'm 35, I want to be a mayor somewhere in the county.

[Joey Diaz]

Cool.

[Lee Syatt]

And like, what? Like. Because I don't even know, like, how do you get started in politics?

[Nick Askalise]

Like, I was just happy.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. Tony Gray.

[Nick Askalise]

Yeah. But I was just born into it. I could say so now that I'm old enough to understand it. It's. I'm just happy to be supporting the sheriff in Hudson county and we're going to win this election in June. That's all I have to say about that.

[Lee Syatt]

That's awesome, dude.

[Nick Askalise]

Thank you. I appreciate that.

[Joey Diaz]

What do you think, Lee?

[Lee Syatt]

What do I think?

[Joey Diaz]

You going to vote? What are you going to do? Lee? I'm.

[Lee Syatt]

If you. If you want to get me a residence in. In this area, I'll vote for you. Absolutely.

[Joey Diaz]

You already live here.

[Nick Askalise]

What are you telling me?

[Lee Syatt]

I've lived here for 20 years.

[Nick Askalise]

We got an apartment upstairs right here.

[Joey Diaz]

This is your apartment.

[Lee Syatt]

Perfect.

[Nick Askalise]

Nobody knows my.

[Joey Diaz]

We'll finagle the numbers a little bit.

[Nick Askalise]

You've been here three years.

[Joey Diaz]

You've been here three years. You're the. You're the director from Israel. Anyway, before we just go on and on, these edibles were on fire tonight. We gotta go. My nephew, Nick Askalise, vote for him. Lee Sayat, the director from Israel and Uncle Joy. What we got coming up this week, Lee?

[Lee Syatt]

We and two. We have two great shows. We are in Jersey City on Wednesday and and parks on Saturday.

[Nick Askalise]

Oh, we're on the road.

[Joey Diaz]

Jessame Peluso's coming in. Oh, coming in. It's gonna be a nice weather. Hopefully I'll make these shows. You'll be there, you know what I'm saying? I'm gonna try my hardest.

[Nick Askalise]

You'll be there.

[Joey Diaz]

Cuz I only got a few steps so I gotta get to the microphone and then pace myself and then attack it. So that's what I'm doing. Tranquilo la chocho. Uncle Joey loves you. I want to thank George, Lee, Nick and myself for being here on a beautiful Monday night. Stay black. We love you. Hey, Uncle Joey here. I want to talk to you about something. If you miss the cereal of your childhood, but don't miss the sugar, here's something you're going to love. It's called Magic Spoon and it tastes like nostalgia. Magic Spoon has got a ton of protein, but still tastes just like the cereals you remember eating as a kid. Every serving of Magic Spoon has 13 grams of protein. Again, 13 grams of protein, 0 grams of sugar and 4 grams of net carbs. It comes in flavors like chocolate, chocolate chip cookie, birthday cake and even peanut butter. Listen, my favorite I dig the peanut butter. I like peanut butter. So if you eat breakfast on the go, Magic Spoon makes cereal bars that you could take anywhere on the go. So do me a favor, get $5 off your next order at magicspoon.com c h u R C H. Or look for Magic Spoon on Amazon or your nearest grocery store. That's magicspoon.comchurch for $5 off.