The White Castle Incident

Summary

Podcast Summary: "The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament"
Episode: "The White Castle Incident"
Release Date: May 20, 2025

Hosts: Joey Coco Diaz and Lee Syatt
Location: LIVE from NYC

---

Introduction

In the episode titled "The White Castle Incident," Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt dive deep into a candid and unfiltered conversation about life's ups and downs, blending humor with raw insights. Throughout the discussion, they touch upon personal experiences, the challenges of modern life, the evolution of comedy, and reflections on relationships and societal changes.

---

Life Experiences and Work

Joey Diaz opens up about his struggles with low-wage jobs and his ventures into the bookmaking scene:

"I was getting like 37 cents an hour... I was making a buck eighty on the streets."
[03:19]

He contrasts these experiences with his time in prison, highlighting the monotony and lack of distinction between days:

"In prison, every day is Memorial Day... It's fucking amazing in there."
[02:50]

The conversation reveals Joey's resilience and resourcefulness in navigating difficult circumstances, emphasizing his knack for turning adversity into opportunity.

---

The Mexican Ship Incident

A significant portion of the discussion centers around a real-life incident involving a Mexican ship attempting to breach the Brooklyn Bridge. Lee Syatt brings up the news story:

"They ripped the door off the hinges and took the sink from their cell... It took them eight hours to realize they were gone."
[04:36]

Joey Diaz shares his disbelief and frustration over the failed escape attempt, critiquing the lack of professionalism and coordination:

"These were amateurs. I don't want to hear about their failures."
[05:38]

The hosts dissect the incident, pondering the motivations and the chaotic execution of the escape plan, while also touching upon the broader implications for prison security.

---

Comedy and Venues

The duo delves into the dynamics of performing live comedy in various settings. Joey Diaz reminisces about his early days in comedy clubs like the Ice House and compares them to venues like the Dojo:

"Once you get comfortable in that type of room, your guts will come out more."
[17:22]

Lee Syatt discusses his challenges in adapting his comedic style to different audience sizes and energy levels:

"I tried a different look at what I've been doing... it made me a little overconfident."
[18:20]

The conversation underscores the importance of understanding and harnessing audience energy, and how venue size can significantly impact a comedian's performance.

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Personal Anecdotes

A humorous yet relatable segment focuses on Joey's experience with White Castle burgers and the ensuing stomach issues:

"I ate two White Castles, felt funky, went to the gym, and then had to unleash everything in my basement bathroom."
[10:24]

His vivid recounting paints a picture of everyday mishaps and the unexpected consequences of simple pleasures, adding a layer of humor to the narrative.

Additionally, Joey shares his struggles with modern technology and cooking:

"I tried cooking eggs and the house almost blew up."
[35:00]

These stories highlight his candid nature and willingness to laugh at his own shortcomings.

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Relationships and Marriage

Joey Diaz opens up about his multiple marriages, offering a raw perspective on commitment and personal growth:

"I've been married four times... You're a fucking loser."
[75:27]

He contrasts traditional proposals with his unconventional method of proposing over the phone, illustrating his unique approach to relationships:

"I proposed to Terry on the phone because I didn't want the drama of a public proposal."
[72:23]

Their discussion sheds light on the complexities of maintaining long-term relationships and the societal expectations surrounding marriage.

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Technology Challenges

Joey candidly discusses his difficulties with modern smartphones and technology:

"I don't know how to use a smartphone. Templates, apps... It's all confusing."
[28:07]

He humorously admits to mishaps like accidentally sending incorrect information, emphasizing the generational gap in technology use.

"I tried to send directions, ended up with Pennsylvania... It's a mess."
[31:02]

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Modern Life and Loneliness

The hosts reflect on the pervasive sense of loneliness in contemporary society, attributing it to the rise of online dating and diminished face-to-face interactions:

"The biggest thing in this country right now is loneliness... People are relying too much on online dating."
[82:15]

Joey emphasizes the importance of genuine connections and the challenges of meeting people in today's digital age, portraying a yearning for more meaningful interactions.

---

Commentary on Media

A critical analysis of modern TV shows and movies features prominently:

"They can make you believe anything with editing... It’s a nightmare."
[64:53]

Joey shares his frustrations with inconsistencies and unrealistic portrayals in media, using examples from popular shows to illustrate his points:

"In 'Godfather of Harlem,' characters crash into each other unrealistically... It's just not authentic."
[65:21]

This segment highlights his skepticism of mainstream media narratives and a preference for authenticity.

---

Conclusion

Throughout "The White Castle Incident," Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt provide an unfiltered glimpse into their lives, blending humor with poignant reflections. From personal struggles and comedic insights to societal critiques, the episode offers listeners a multifaceted exploration of navigating life's complexities with resilience and laughter.

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Notable Quotes:

• Joey Diaz on Low-Paid Jobs:
  "I was making a buck eighty on the streets."
  [03:19]

• Lee Syatt on Prison Life:
  "In prison, every day is Memorial Day."
  [02:50]

• Joey Diaz on White Castle Incident:
  "I will never touch White Castle as long as I fucking live again."
  [13:48]

• Joey Diaz on Modern Technology:
  "I don't trust myself on anything anymore."
  [33:26]

• Joey Diaz on Loneliness:
  "Most guys my age are supposed to be really fucking bored."
  [82:15]

---

This episode encapsulates the essence of Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt's dynamic, offering listeners a blend of humor, honesty, and insightful commentary on various facets of life.

Transcript

[Joey Diaz]

What's happening, you savages? Uncle Joey here and my main man Lee Syat. It's the church New Testament coming your way. It's Tuesday, the 20th of May. Do what you gotta do. Hey, Uncle Joey here. It's a beautiful day to be alive. I want to talk to you about bluechew. Listen, even if the rest of your life is a disaster, you can at least have some great sex with bluechew. In other words, you could sling dick like a fucking animal. Bluechew helps men be stronger, harder and longer lasting. So you have the time to pull out all your tricks in the bedroom. Listen, you could be giving her a stabbing and breaking bottles against the wall the next day. People say, how was the sex? It was tremendous. There was a lot of stuff going on in that room. Listen, just sign [e-mail] consult with one of their licensed medical providers and once you get approved, your prescription will be at your doorstep and in days you're going to love it. The mailman don't even know what he's delivering. Make life easier by getting harder and discovering your [e-mail] and we got a special deal for church listeners. Try your first month of BlueChew absolutely free. When you press in, promo code Joey. J O E Y. Just pay the $5 shipping. That's it. That's promo code Joey. And you're going to change your life. You're going to sling dick like a gladiator, you understand me? You're going to bust bottles over your head. You're going to be a fucking savage. Woman will be calling you from all over the world. Hi, are you available this Saturday? Listen, I'm busy with BlueChew. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. And I want to thank Bluechew for sponsoring the show and for helping me sling dick at 62. You know what I'm saying? Welcome back to church. We're back. What's happening? Beautiful people. It's Tuesday, the 20th of May, Memorial Day weekend. So you got this and Wednesday. And then everybody comes soft. They're thinking about potato salad and what color they're gonna fucking put the tablecloth. You know, whether it should be red and white or blue and white or whatever the fuck. What's up, dog?

[Lee Syatt]

Dude, it's my. It's the. And it's funny cause I know you hate it, but for people who work like normal jobs, weeks like this are like. We dream about them. Listen, it's fucking amazing.

[Joey Diaz]

Even when I worked, even when I Was in prison. Okay.

[Lee Syatt]

What are you talking.

[Joey Diaz]

I didn't give a fuck about Memorial Day. Right.

[Lee Syatt]

Well, yeah, in prison, every day is Memorial Day.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, every day. No, not really. You get scabbed, black people yelling. It's fucking amazing in there.

[Lee Syatt]

Well, yeah. Did you have a. You did have a job. You had the bakery?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, I had the kitchen and then yeah, I got fired from the bakery. Remember? I almost blew up the kitchen. So they said we gotta better job for you. We got something better.

[Lee Syatt]

What happens if like you don't want to work? Because that like to work all day for like a dollar? Fuck you, dog.

[Joey Diaz]

It's like 25 cents an hour. I was getting like 37 cents an hour and I was like a high paid dude. I was like making buck 80 on the streets. 37 cents a week times five hours or something like that. 37 cents a day times five, that's a dollar fifty a fucking day. I was getting 10 bucks every two weeks. But I had the fucking bookmaking operation.

[Lee Syatt]

So that's how you have to.

[Joey Diaz]

You have to.

[Lee Syatt]

And then like I don't know if you saw it and I wasn't getting high in that.

[Joey Diaz]

Let's get something straight.

[Lee Syatt]

You did acid?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, $3 a hit. What I'm trying to say is for a joint and a half, they call it what matchboxes. They call. What's the matches with the box that you hit on the side.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

What's the name?

[Lee Syatt]

Striker. I don't. I don't know.

[Joey Diaz]

The little box. A matchbox. That's what they call.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

It's 50 bucks for a joint and a half of fucking regular shit. I don't even know what they were paying in there for coke and heroin. I know they do each other's cottons and shit. Like one guy holds onto it and he gives it to the other guy.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, that's nice, isn't it?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah.

[Lee Syatt]

Teamwork.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. HIV for everybody. Everybody gets hiv. Everybody's gonna have a sore a skinny neck in three years.

[Lee Syatt]

D. But like I don't know if you saw and I wasn't even planning on talking about it, but what happened? I think it was like new orleans. Like 8pe. Like 10 people escaped cuz they just ripped the door off of the hinges in prison. Yeah, yeah. People going to escape. It might have been jail. Like I don't, I. I know there's a difference, but like 10 people escaped. They've caught like three of them. And like the guard said, like they stayed away cuz they were afraid for their safety. Like, they ripped the door off the hinges and then like, they took like, the. The sink in the cell and pulled that away. And I think it's. It's. I was on CNN today. It took them like eight hours to realize they were gone.

[Joey Diaz]

Gives a about inmates. How about the Mexican ship? Yeah. To the Brooklyn Bridge. Mexicans jumping off. The one guy playing the guitar as he's sinking. What the. Why would you go into the bride then? You know they killed like six people, right?

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Killed two people, injured fucking eight. You know, listen, listen. Columbus was the last Spanish guy. Knock it off. If you're Spanish, leave it to the fucking white dudes that smuggle weed. Whatever.

[Lee Syatt]

And why do they have a sailboat?

[Joey Diaz]

Are you gonna crack into the fucking Brooklyn Bridge? A bunch of people on there. Viva Zapata. Selena Gomez was out there. You know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, that poor bastard on a sailboat.

[Joey Diaz]

Did you see that? It's a fucking nightmare. It's. It's. You know, and I love Mexican people, but what's with the fucking ship? Leave that to the cartel, you know? I'm saying they're the ones that smuggle and shit. Unbelievable. The cartel does all that shit. These were amateurs.

[Lee Syatt]

I gotta be honest. The cartel does it better.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. They wouldn't hit a bridge. No.

[Lee Syatt]

Not in a sailboat. Those fucking. Dude. Can you imagine? Like, imagine if the bridge went down. Like, I don't. I don't know how that even happened.

[Joey Diaz]

Go down from that little faggy boat.

[Lee Syatt]

I don't know.

[Joey Diaz]

Hit that with a. You got to hit that with like a. One of those navy ships and to rattle the core and.

[Lee Syatt]

But it was a navy, but I guess it's a Mexican navy.

[Joey Diaz]

How many times have you seen a commercial for the Mexican navy? If they got too many people, that's a lot. You know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syatt]

Have you seen, like, they have videos of the cartel and they like, they have better equipment than the Mexican.

[Joey Diaz]

Like, bro, they got armed forces, do than. They got everything. They know what everybody else knows. You don't make that type of money and you're going to pay. Let's pretend they pay. They make. I just give you a number, realistic number. A billion dollars a year, which is bullshit, right? They probably pay 250 million in counterintelligence.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You got to buy fucking missiles and cameras and fucking, you know, seeing the dark shit. It's the shit the government has probably, like, even better.

[Lee Syatt]

And like, what do you. When you say intelligence, what do you. Do you think it's Like. Does that include, like, paying people off at the border or.

[Joey Diaz]

What do you mean all that? Even more. That's a complete different envelope. This is an envelope that just goes to, like, dea. They buy CIA files. They buy everything. They buy everything with that type of money, you know, it's no money. No. No numbers big enough. Those guys make a lot of fucking money, Lee. Truckloads at a fucking time.

[Lee Syatt]

And what do you.

[Joey Diaz]

What was. What was fucking Escobar making in his heyday that he made the Forbes fucking list he was making? I think it was 6 million a day, probably, yeah. 6 million a day. That's 42 million a week. Are you fucking kidding me? What can't you buy? Even if he. Even if he takes a shipment and go, you know what? I'm just gonna get my dick sucked on. A strip club. He could just light the fuck. When he froze, he burnt 100,000. A million dollars to keep his family warm, right? With matches. Who does that? Who burns a hundred? A million dollars.

[Lee Syatt]

I gotta be. I don't. They'd have to be really cold for me to have to burn a hundred thousand.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, but you're Jewish.

[Lee Syatt]

Would you burn 100,000?

[Joey Diaz]

Fuck. For my family. F. Keep more. A million. When you have.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, when you have that mount.

[Joey Diaz]

When you have 42 million, what's a million? When you have 42 million and you got another 42 million coming in next week, what's a million?

[Lee Syatt]

You would think that, but that's how I shoot.

[Joey Diaz]

Even if I shoot the operation down after May, I still got fucking, you know, 84 million coming to me in two weeks. That'll make me laugh for a long time.

[Lee Syatt]

When you. Dude, I can't. I don't know why people don't quit when they have that much money.

[Joey Diaz]

Because think about it. You want more fucking money. Look at Elon Musk. Why didn't he quit?

[Lee Syatt]

He doesn't have cartel money.

[Joey Diaz]

He passed pretty close to it. All those guys, all those guys in the fucking Forbes list, those top 10 guys, they got dough, they got loot. Yeah, it's like I was watching that stupid show last night. He robbed a $900,000 chain from some chick for somebody, a woman, for your husband to buy you pretty much a million dollar chain, they gotta have 30 million in the bank. Let me buy her a million dollar chain. That's gonna sit in the fucking drawer. Is it an investment and it got robbed? Well, on this TV show, it doesn't matter.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay, I thought it was.

[Joey Diaz]

But who spends $900,000 that's fucking shit money. That's.

[Lee Syatt]

I don't even. That's so much money that I don't even. I can't even wrap my head around.

[Joey Diaz]

No, you're not supposed to. So mind your business, you know what I'm saying? What are you worried about? $42 million. You get me all hot and bothered. I was gonna go home and start selling coke again. I'll tell you what happened to me this fucking weekend.

[Lee Syatt]

What's that?

[Joey Diaz]

Parks was great. Last week was great. Sunday I went to little Joey's 8th or 9th birthday party. And I get there, I go inside, it's like one o' clock. Got a couple numbers in me. And right away they have like really good Italian sandwiches. But they had little ones, you know, those little bite sized ones. And I go, you know what, this will hold me over till the dinner at 4 or 5. So I had a little piece of sandwich, fucking great bread, great coconut. I'm good. I didn't want to sit in the house no more. It was a nice day. So I went outside. And when I'm sitting outside there, they ordered cases of fucking White Castle.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, shit.

[Joey Diaz]

So I'm sitting there minding my own business, watching the kids play, talking to some of the parents, and one of the kids goes, joe, you want a White Castle? And I go, you know what, I'll take a White Castle. And I ate one. I'm like, this is pretty fucking good. And then I ate another one. And you're like, this is pretty good. But I didn't touch the fries. And I only ate two. I usually eat three.

[Lee Syatt]

Those little small slider things?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, I usually eat three, but today I eat two. And it's funny when you move here like I did, you know, I went to White Castle the first time with my wife and daughter. Everybody loved it. You should have seen them on the way home. You thought I fucking introduced them to the fucking, you know, Johnny Van Buck the second time. They were all like a little hesitant, like, I don't know if you want to go get them, we'll wait for you. And then when I brought them home, I went up a few hours later. There was like maybe two or three missing. And then one day I asked Mercy. I go, you just want to go to White Castle? She's like, not in a million years, dad. And I'm like, why? And she goes, dad, my stomach got really sick last time for a couple of days. And I'm like, ah, she's young. My stomach don't get sick. Let me Tell you something. I went home last night, I relaxed, I smoked some dope. I got the week ready this morning. I got up, took a shower, ate breakfast. When I was driving around this morning, I'm like, man, my stomach feels funky, right? And then I had to go to the gym. And as I was driving to the boxing gym, I'm like, oh, this is not gonna work out.

[Lee Syatt]

No.

[Joey Diaz]

But they got a nice bathroom in the boxing gym. It's never dirty. They always clean it. They keep it clean. So I went. And while I was at the boxing gym, I didn't have to shit, but I bought a container of pineapple juice. They have fresh squeezed pineapple juice. And I got one on the way home. And I drank on the way home, 10 minutes from the house, I'm like, I'm gonna fucking die. I'm gonna die, right? And when I hit the fucking right turn to go on to willow, I smelt an odor that I haven't smelt in years. Okay? It's like when you have a dead body, you try to move it and it's got that last fart in it and it fucking lets it go. That's the worst fart you'll ever smell. So that is the worst.

[Lee Syatt]

I think everyone can relate to that.

[Joey Diaz]

If somebody's dead for like three hours, you try to move the body and you'll hear that last. You smell that shit? Oh. So, dog, I went to the bathroom. I went to the basement bathroom, and I just unleashed pain, fury, anger. Everything came out of my asshole, dog. I had to light two candles, open up the garage door, open up the door to the garage and open up the back door. And I had to spray Febreze. I left for like two or three hours. I came back, it was worse. Had to put the fart fan on. I will never touch White Castle as long as I fucking live again. I don't know where that odor came from, but I don't want to smell it again, dude.

[Lee Syatt]

But sometimes you need it. Like, have you ever.

[Joey Diaz]

You don't need that shit in your life. You don't need. If I want that smell, I drive on the parkway and I'll park and sit there for 10 minutes and, oh, God, Gaga, smell it. That fucking rotten ass.

[Lee Syatt]

But you never feel like you have to take a shit and like, you're like, okay, I'll get White Castle now. Not like that was that bad.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, the odor was not. No, no. If a doctor would have walked by, they would have called an ambulance. They would have said, someone's dead.

[Lee Syatt]

In there.

[Joey Diaz]

That horse died. Something happened in there. It was not good, guys.

[Lee Syatt]

And you didn't do that at the gym because I know you hate when people take shits at the gym.

[Joey Diaz]

No, but if I. It's an emergency. Listen, before I go to the gym bathroom, I'll look outside and see if there's a palm tree or something like that. I have no shame with taking a good shit outside, okay? The only thing, with my age, you can't do it close to a school because then fucking, you know, I think.

[Lee Syatt]

That'S really anyone's age.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm a sexual offender that takes shits in front of kids. I don't want the 30 years for that shit. So, you know, so I don't want to. I don't want to do time for that. So I just.

[Lee Syatt]

You'd rather. Obviously not clean, though.

[Joey Diaz]

Very, very clean.

[Lee Syatt]

But, like, it didn't, like, seep out into the gym.

[Joey Diaz]

And there weren't a lot of people there, thank God, so I wouldn't mind it. It's one. There's 200 people in the gym, and you open up the door after you dump your liver, and next thing you know, there's three women waiting to go to the bathroom. And you're like, I can't come back here for a week. I can't come back here for 10 days. I can't come back here at this time slot again because these women are all gonna see me and go, that dude, no bueno. That motherfucker.

[Lee Syatt]

See, I'm surprised you get him. I would think, knowing if I had to guess, I think. I thought you'd do the exact opposite. Like, if you saw some women who you thought would do that, you would just, like, leave it for them especially.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, girl, in my world, a woman could do whatever the fuck she wants. You ever have a woman shit in front of you? It doesn't even smell. I don't know what they do. They carry something in their purse. Listen, better this. Go out with a girl, she'll tell you she has to go to the bathroom after her dinner. That means she's taking a shit. Bring her back to your house and eat her ass. It doesn't smell like a follicle of poop. No, it smells fresh. We can't do that. I take a shit. I take two showers, my asshole still smells. I know that for a fact because I always check my muffin. I go, jesus Christ. I soap it. I loofah it. I put conditioner in there. I put everything in my asshole.

[Lee Syatt]

And do you Do a couple different, like, passes on it or just one pass and. Because if I smelled and it smelled bad, I would do it again.

[Joey Diaz]

No, but it's clean. It's clean. It's spotless, right? I know for a fact it's spotless. It doesn't matter. It's like they have barnacles that stick on to the side. You got to burn them off with a lighter and a magnifying glass. You got to find yourself somebody who's willing to fucking do something. Like.

[Lee Syatt]

I don't think your wife would do that for you.

[Joey Diaz]

No, no wife would do that. You got to find. You got to go for outside help. You got to find that chick, the Chinese chick that pops the pimples on your neck. Oh, that fucking crazy bitch.

[Lee Syatt]

And burn the barnacles off of your asshole.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, but they burn them nice. Chinese people. Know how they got, like, a mild sparkler, like a little sparkle on the stick. It's like a laser, sparkling. And all of a sudden you just hit something, hit the floor, and that's it. You're back to home.

[Lee Syatt]

Happy New Year.

[Joey Diaz]

Happy New Year, cocksucker. But Philadelphia was really good. We had two shows last week that were very nice. We had Thursday at the dojo. And Saturday. Saturday in Philadelphia. And the dojo I was thinking about, this is becoming our little ice house.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, it's very similar to, like, the Stage two Ice House. For sure.

[Joey Diaz]

We were looking for it and we fucking found it. The Utopia. Yeah, go there, work out. We're doing two Thursdays. The 6th and the 12th, or the 6th and the 27th, something like that. Who the fuck knows? I don't know.

[Lee Syatt]

27Th at the pack.

[Joey Diaz]

No, 28th, I'm at the pack. 27th, I'm at the pack. The 26th, I'm at the dojo. It's a Thursday, Nice warm up to.

[Lee Syatt]

The first and the last Thursday. Yeah, dude, it's. It's funny. I never thought about it like the Ice house, but you're 100, right? Because that. The Ice House always had, like, the audiences were always energetic game, like. And they would have small room.

[Joey Diaz]

They were powerful. And once you get comfortable in that type of room, once you get comfortable, your guts will come out more. So that's what's been going on. Your guts come out more because you're comfortable in that room. You're comfortable in that setting, and that's what you need. A couple workouts in there a week. You're tip top, Magoo. You're not bad.

[Lee Syatt]

But here's. And it's not anything above the dojo, but like, I had such a good set there on Thursday and I tried to, like, it was not ad libbed, but like a different look at what I've been doing. And I tried to do it at Parks and it went okay. But I think it made me a little bit overconfident like that Roman so good that it, like I got overconfident for other shows.

[Joey Diaz]

Well, you're comparing 100 people to 1600 people, right? Okay. Remember I told you once when I first got moved here, I was trying to get back into comedy. And what I didn't like about doing comedy then was I lost control of the audience and it was 140 seat room. I couldn't control them. I could not fucking control them. It was like. And I've been controlling 140 people all my life. That's the normal number. You know, The Comedy Store's 180. So I've been running 180 people, 140 all my life. For me, that could control them. I was like, I'm done with comedy. Something's not working. And then you go to the dojo and you do a couple workouts in there. You do. You keep showing up and you start getting that control. I don't know if you know what I'm talking about. It's like you have to. What's that shit cowboys do with the fucking lasso? You gotta lasso em in. They all gotta come together at the same time. And it's very tough to do that if you miss the fucking lasso. And you only have this side of the room on. So once you lasso em in, you know, that's what it feels like. I got em now I could do whatever the fuck I want. I can say what I want. I got em. That's it. I got them. Then you move on to 800 seats. And you'll realize that's why when you go to a theater after a small room, it always feels kind of weird.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, it felt weird.

[Joey Diaz]

So it's the timing, it's the energy, Lee. The energy up front has to be everything. If I go up front, when I get off stage, I'm huffing and puffing and I'm sweating because I did 30 minutes in 15. You're not giving them a breather. That's the advantage of having more than 15 minutes. That if I have 30 now, these bitches ain't gonna breathe. They're not gonna breathe. How many minutes you want me to do? 15. Okay, now you're dead. Because I'm gonna take that 30 minutes and condense them. Do the jokes I give them the greatest hits of and then do the long ones that I could fit in 15 minutes and just fucking level them. It's all about energy. The bigger the room, you better show up with some fucking energy. Put your lungs into it. And it's gotta come from your feet. Like when you get off that stage, your hips hurt. They should fucking hurt. Your back should hurt, you know, because you're giving them everything you got. It's like when you throw a right cross. A punch doesn't come from the arm. A punch comes from the foot. When you push off that foot and you throw that right cross. Fucking number two punch. That's where everything is. And even when you throw a jab, you're stepping forward and you're pushing off this leg and you're la. You know, so it's always that fucking. So energy up front. Energy in a theater is big. Or come out heavy. Always come out heavy for six minutes. Come out heavy, you're fighting. Did you see the Antonio Brown fight? Anybody saw that? And Ab got it mugged.

[Lee Syatt]

Did he really?

[Joey Diaz]

Nobody fucking saw that. Antonio Brown got. They tried to rob his jewelry the other night.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, it was like a legit. Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

It was fucking. He was going off and that's six minutes. Like, he probably couldn't do it for 20 because your heart will blow up. But that six. Whatever. He was fighting for two minutes. Whatever. They didn't stop. They were throwing punches. People were flying through the air. A guy fell down, he kicked them in the stomach. There was always action. And that's your. When you get into those bigger rooms where you might lose control, that's 400 seats and more. Like the club in Arizona has 650 seats. It goes deep. Irvine.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, that one too.

[Joey Diaz]

Irvine. I used to always eat a bag of dicks. Every year I drove down there to pick up a nice check to eat a bag of dicks. And it was three hours of traffic.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

We would have to leave at 4 to get there at 7:15. Eat that fucking Japanese burger. I shit blood.

[Lee Syatt]

I forgot about that burger.

[Joey Diaz]

What was the name of that burger everybody was talking about? They had the chain wasabi burger.

[Lee Syatt]

I'll look it up in the break. It's at the tip of my tongue.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. Yoshi Burger was in Burbank. Then it closed. And then they finally had it somewhere else. Like, you know, this, that and Yoshi Burger. I got so fucking sick that night. But Irvine pissed Me off because in 23 years of doing Irvine, I never could control. It was always seemed like I was doing jokes and they were coming out of there and the people on this side weren't laughing or vice versa. You would go down there, do two shows and drive home and go, what the fuck was that? Well, you know, it's the night before Thanksgiving, right?

[Lee Syatt]

But that's. I feel like I'm just in the last, since I've moved here, almost by accident doing like working on my energy or like. Because when you said like your legs hurt. Like, I have nights where I, I think it happens by accident where I have like a lot of energy. I always try to have energy, but like, that's not really my style. But I, like, I noticed when I. There was one time it backfired. But like I'm, I, I don't. The fact that you can harness it and like decide to do it, I'm nowhere near that yet.

[Joey Diaz]

Okay, here's the deal. Number one, I think it was Nick hit me up the other day. He's like, hey, do you want to meet and get dinner? That'll never happen before show. That'll never happen. I don't want to talk to nobody before fucking show. That's too much energy talking to people. They're going to ask you goofy questions, you know, what made you get into stand up? All that bullshit. You show up at the show, you eat a bag of dicks, you just put your energy out. Sadly, I did a bunch. The girls went somewhere and I did a bunch of stuff. I did kettlebells and shit in the garage. I hit the bag. But at 1:30 I was done for the day. I didn't do shit. And the girls were not home. But I didn't hunt anybody out to hang out. I didn't get on the phone, I didn't do anything. I'm resting and energy's like anything else. Okay, you ever do a hiit workout where you have to do 20 seconds on and then 40 seconds off? That's stand up comedy. That's a version of stand up comedy because you're punching, punching, punch and punching. They're laughing. So you're gonna give them a breather too, but very light breather, very light. That they think they got it together, like, huh? And they're wiping their nose and then you hit them again with another fucking array of bullets, you know? But in a theater, when you come out first, it's the energy. You can't come out fucking around. You gotta come out and get to it like if you're pissed, like if you're fucking pissed and then they get it. They're like, okay. But you know, if you do a club. Hi, my name is Lee. Don't forget, put away your phones and I lost you. Put away your phones and don't forget to go on the website to see what the upcoming acts are you guys ready to have a good time? Yeah. You gotta do that shit. But there's a way to do it.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Have a great fucking time with it. And then it doesn't even seem like you're really doing it, you know?

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah. And it's like I've been listening a little bit to some of like my older. Older stuff, like when I first started. There's definitely a difference, but it's hard. I love when we have these talks and like you give me advice and I try to implement it. I really. I genuinely will try to implement it. But it's almost. Some of. Some of them I'm like. I just. I don't know if I'm not ready to or. I just don't know how to really. Because it's like, especially from like that, that. Because you have such. Dude, when you're walking around and like, you move and especially like when you laugh at yourself. Like all that stuff is something that like myself and I think comics at my level, like, look at and we want to do, but it's like a whole. It's like a language on top of the jokes years.

[Joey Diaz]

Also remember, you're looking at 35 fucking years on stage.

[Lee Syatt]

Holy shit.

[Joey Diaz]

34 fucking years. You know the only thing that I came back from those two sets last week were I'm writing a lot more. I'm not writing anything fucking funny, but I'm writing and I'm writing twice a day. And that's a muscle right there at least. Your thoughts are always racing. For a long time, I didn't do shit. I just wrote out like three sentences every day and something for my daughter or something like that. Now I get up in the morning, I do some shit, I smoke some pot and I fucking write. Once my wife goes for a walk at 7:15, I know I got 45 minutes of fucking peace. So I go right back in there again and attack it again. And then she gets home, I do what I gotta do. I shower, I go out and then I'll think about shit throughout the day. That's what I do in the drive. Turn the fucking music off and think about one fucking thing and beat it in your mind. I'd rather be doing it with a piece of paper, right? But I don't have a piece of paper in the car. And I'll have, you know, have a car with a thousand dents. So I fucking. Yeah. You know, you just can't.

[Lee Syatt]

Right?

[Joey Diaz]

And I don't know what happened to my fucking. My video thing in the car. I used to be able to go, you know, suck my dick and tape it, right? And then go home later on, but it disappeared. I gotta go back and download the fucking app. So.

[Lee Syatt]

I love when you say things disappear. It's still there.

[Joey Diaz]

What do you mean?

[Lee Syatt]

I don't know. But, like, I don't think anything disappeared from your phone.

[Joey Diaz]

Nah, it's not there. I had the voice memo. It just went away, dog. I don't know what I'm doing on this phone. Let's get something straight, okay, guys? And for the people at home, I don't know what I'm doing on these phones. I touch shit, shit disappears, shit pops back up. I got the essential. I don't even put Twitter and Facebook on my phone. People think like I got. They message me, hey, man, we're here. Don't do it on. That's. You're an hour away. I don't have. You know why? I don't even want those on my phone.

[Lee Syatt]

And like, just get like, the whole.

[Joey Diaz]

Distraction programs on my phone. But I don't have fucking Twitter and the other fucking thing. It's one less thing to worry about. Fuck have you have that? I have. Whoop. I have the things I open the most. I'll tell you right now. Whoop. DraftKings, Instagram, Apple Music, Weight Watchers, Lexus. Once in a while, the. The Zen planner for Jiu Jitsu. So you could schedule when you want to go to class and who's gonna be there and shit like that. Beside that, there ain't much. I don't fuck around. Cause I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I got a calculator, I got a camera, I got a picture of a duck. I don't know what that motherfucker does. It's like a duck. I don't know what the fuck he does with money on him. Steam yard. Okay. I don't know.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, yeah, that's it. That's how we used to do the old podcast.

[Joey Diaz]

I got calendar. I got fucking productivity and finance. I don't know what any of these things are. Files. Coinbase, Dropbox. Meet Georgie. I don't even know what. Wallet.

[Lee Syatt]

Dude, it's one of my favorite.

[Joey Diaz]

Like, one of the teleprompter notes. I don't even know how to work notes. It says icloud notes, and I don't even know where the fuck I go to that. And this is not good. This is not good. And people think like, oh, you know, no, I got United, Case. You gotta fly out of Newark. I got the importance.

[Lee Syatt]

But there's no way you're pulling up the app at the airport either. Like, you still use the paper.

[Joey Diaz]

They bother me. Fucking make me open United. But I always give them the phone. I just give it to them. Here you go.

[Lee Syatt]

Knock yourself out.

[Joey Diaz]

See, if you get the WI fi, it ain't working for me. I don't even know what the fucking code is, dude.

[Lee Syatt]

It was like, I think the first thing you had me do for you. Like, because we met a few times in la, we would hang out outside, and then one afternoon, you needed help on your laptop uploading a picture to Twitter. And it took me 30 seconds. And you looked at me and said, you're an unadulterated genius. Like, it's so. Dude, that was one of the funniest. It was just uploading a picture to Twitter so anybody.

[Joey Diaz]

I could do anything I can't do. And my world is a genius. You have no idea how many mistakes I make. How many fucking people text me numbers, and I'll say, text me the address. And then I'll try to touch it and send it to somebody else, and I'll send them something completely wrong. They'll be getting directions like, Pennsylvania. What the fuck? What are you sending me? I don't know. That's the thing. My wife has to drop a pin.

[Lee Syatt]

Drop the pin.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, I don't even know how to drop a pin. How's that? Like, if you called me and said, drop a pen, I couldn't help you out at all. It looks like you're gonna be lost like a motherfucker. I don't know any of that shit. I don't know how to Photoshop. I don't even know how to, like, put a picture on Instagram and put words under it, right? Like, people put words under it. And this shit. I don't want to do nothing. I went to it one time, use a template and all that shit. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I don't know, and I don't want to know. Forget about editing, right? I've tried to be an editor 80 times. I've downloaded the Apple program because I heard that if you bought an Apple computer, you go to the Apple store and take classes. You could sign up. Yeah, but every time I signed up, they didn't want to see me. The fucking class was packed. I went three places. Studio City, City, dog. A year in advance.

[Lee Syatt]

Really? Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

So what the fuck? You promised me fucking you know how to do this shit for retards. And now you're not even letting me in the fucking class. It's like SAG Aftra before you join Sag Aftra after. They won't tell you nothing. For you people at Sag Aftra at home, you got to go on the website and look to see what they offer because they'll never tell you this shit. They'll never tell you this SAG and after fucking put workshops on and acting classes with like fucking big time people. But they don't send you an email. You got to dig deep and go, oh my God. And then you sign up and it's the same thing. Classes booked. You're sitting there all fucking day waiting for 6 o' clock so you can hit the link to sign up. You're right there. 5:59, you got the trigger finger, you took some Adderall, whatever the fuck you took, the speed in you, yeah, you hit that motherfucking within two seconds it sold out. I never took it after a fucking course ever, ever. Fucking point. 20 years I applied for those things.

[Lee Syatt]

How like do you. Are you self conscious about not being good on the computer and stuff? Or do you not give a shit?

[Joey Diaz]

What am I gonna do? I don't trust myself on anything anymore. You know what I'm saying? I go up to my kitchen and it's those new stoves. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep beep. Everything's a beep, beep, beep, beep beep. I don't know if the stove is on. I don't know. Listen. The first week I was in New Jersey with nobody knows, we stayed at corporate housing. Corporate housing. And the girls would go to bed early. I was freaking the fuck out. I was living in anxiety. I could not sleep. So at night I would make the Michael Jackson tea.

[Lee Syatt]

I forgot about that.

[Joey Diaz]

I'd buy three coffees. I'd put a syringe of 1,000 milligrams. I put a handful of fucking ABXs and I'd stare the thing. Cause the ABXS would melt in there, right? Oh my God. I put a little fucking sugar in there to sweeten it up.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, I'm sure that one little bit of sugar helps.

[Joey Diaz]

So one night I drank one of those and I was fucked up. And about 2 in the morning, I go, you know what? I need another one of these to fall asleep at 4. I did the first one, like, at 11. Do you know I got so fucked up? Listen. It was a metal coffee pot. You know those pots you put on the thing and they go, boo when it's ready. I was so fucked up, that thing went boom for like, three hours. The metal collapsed. There was no water in it. It was burning. My wife woke up and she's like, what's burning? I go, what's burning? I don't know. Jesus Christ, Joey. The thing was black. We had to take it out the next day and put it in the garbage before they charged me for it, like, $82.

[Lee Syatt]

Jesus.

[Joey Diaz]

Had to go buy a new one and shit. I melted the thing.

[Lee Syatt]

You melted a metal teapot? And what, you just were too high and fell asleep?

[Joey Diaz]

I don't know. I don't know what the fuck happened. I just kept hearing beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, boop, Whatever the fuck. And in this new kitchen, I don't know how to do nothing. I know how to work the microwave.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay, that's a start.

[Joey Diaz]

But everything else is bullshit. And I'm the type of guy, I go for the ice machine and break. Like, my wife is in there fucking getting ice cubes, crullers. I put my thing in there. I gotta turn the thing around, put my hand in there and take a big fucking, you know, snowman. Fucking piece of snow out. Yeah. I don't have no luck. So my wife always goes, why don't you eat that food up? I'm like, not in a fucking million years. Cause that's a new stove. I don't know nothing about that thing. It makes a bunch of tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. And then you turn it off and it still leaks gas. So I'm in the basement smoking a joint. Next thing I know, I got no head.

[Lee Syatt]

You know what I'm saying?

[Joey Diaz]

I don't need that shit. I'd rather starve to death. I won't cook a fucking thing in my house. One night I tried cooking eggs and the house almost blew up. I tried making scrambled eggs in the middle of the night, right? As a cook, I'm fucking worthless. Guys, you gotta understand something. I'm very lucky to have, you know, to work hard to make people laugh. Because if I wouldn't, it would have been a Fucking long life for me. I can't change a flat. There's a lot of things I can't fuck. I mean, you put a gun to my head. I could change your flat for $15 an hour. I ain't changing your fucking flat. You could change your own fucking flat. You know what I'm saying? Like, there was things I couldn't do, like I just couldn't do when I was younger. Yeah, I could paint, I could roof, you know, I was a sous chef for a few weeks, you know? But I didn't like knives. I don't like working with fucking my fingers. You start talking shit, next thing you know, I'm thumby fucking. You know, I don't like none of that shit.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, it gives me. I don't know how to do it.

[Joey Diaz]

There was nothing I could do. I was telling some. My friend retired. He's a cop. They gave him his military time. They mixed it with the police time, and he retired when he's 39.

[Lee Syatt]

Good for him.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, good for nothing. Because yesterday he's telling me that. Yeah, yesterday he's like, I think I'm gonna get a bus driver job in Marlboro and drive the kids and lift weights for lunch and then do the kids. And I go, dog, how long do you think this. Plus, he was a fucking undercover cop. I go, how long do you think this is going to last? He just looked at me, he goes, why? That's not going to last. I go, first off, we live in the most boring neighborhood in New Jersey. There ain't nobody out in the daytime. Not a soul. Like, you can't find the fucking soul out in my town unless you go to a gym, right? If you go to the restaurants, it's three, four people. Nobody does anything in the daytime. But when I first moved here, and Georgia will be my witness, I used to come up to North Bergen a lot more. And I stopped because I was driving an hour just to drop 150 on lunch and tolls and shit. And I would look for people in North Bergen, like, seriously look like, I would go to the parks and shit. Like, let's see who's at the park. Drinking and dog, the same thing in my hometown. A town that every three blocks you could see three people on a corner or two people walking somewhere and pull over and go, anybody see George a. It's at 64th Street Field. Boom. You take a bus, you go down to the field, you know, yeah, they're having a party or whatever. That does not. When I leave here at Night. I make it a purpose to go down Kennedy Boulevard. I make it a purpose to go down Kennedy Boulevard. And my heart breaks because there's a mile that you don't even see a fucking light. Not a fucking light. And what time do I leave here? 9:30. I know there's a curfew in my hometown for kids. I think so. 10:00 clock.

[Lee Syatt]

Whoa.

[Joey Diaz]

But still, it's 9:30. I would rock till 9:59. I'm out there fucking shooting bow and arrows like Rambo till 10:59. 9:59. There's not a soul out there. And let me put it even better to you. A couple weeks ago, I went down Berger Line Avenue. If you think I wanted to cry on Kennedy Ballard. I almost fucking stopped at my mother's bar and just cried. I knew that. Listen, I don't know a lot of pieces of land in Hudson county, but I knew one thing. I knew 29th street all the way to 48th, where Cuberville opens up, where the Geno's used to be in the corner. I knew that. I knew that like the back of my hand. First of all, there was a movie theater on 45th and Bergenline. And after that, there weren't a lot of things open. But there were things open. Last week I went down. I didn't see a light. There wasn't a business open. After you hit 48th street, past 29th, there's a head shop that's open till 10 or something on 17th Street. That's it. That whole block, that was New Moon Chinese Restaurant. That was Hernandez Cuban Restaurant. That was Pino's Pizzeria. All the way down to fucking 23rd street and Bergen Line, you had action. There ain't nothing there. There's nobody on the corners. Nobody. If you don't have a day job now in Jersey, you die. You fucking die.

[Lee Syatt]

I think that's what people like, though. Like, don't you think your buddy, who was a undercover cop and the army, like, enjoys a little bit of peace? Or no, you think, like.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, let's. Let's get something straight. I come from Central New Jersey. And everybody in this room will tell you, when I was growing up, as a kid, we looked at central New Jersey and said, fuck those rednecks. Because that's exactly what they were. If you weren't from Hutchin county, you were a farmer. It's like that expression, if you're not from Brooklyn, you're a farmer.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay?

[Joey Diaz]

You know all this shit. Hutchin county was fucking nice. Seacaucus Was a big farm, okay? That was a fucking pig farm. You drive through Secau. Cause you still smell a little fucking. You still hear a little whatever the fuck noise the pigs make. Baa. Whatever the fuck they make.

[Lee Syatt]

That's a sheep.

[Joey Diaz]

I think it's oink. And I love central New Jersey, where I live. But when I was a kid. Let me tell you how this story goes. What's that when they say it's 60%? What's that when your world goes 60 degrees? When I was a kid in 1969, 70, 71, 68, that was my job to go with the fucking Cubans who couldn't speak English. And I would get in the car with them in Harlem and go to Marlboro, New Jersey, because it was a farm. The whole town of Marlboro was a farm. It was a fucking farm. And they would buy the Santeria chickens to kill them. And the goats and the monkeys and everything else you bought down in South Jersey. So there was no paperwork. You bought them directly from the fucking farm. That's why it's very weird that I ended up back in Marlboro. Fifty fucking years. And let me put it this way. I used to go to Englishtown in 1976, 77 and 78. Every other Sunday, me and Frankie Balzano would drive to Englishtown and buy limousines for the feet for $7. They were irregular. This is way before. What's the clothing store that you give all the irregular stuff?

[Lee Syatt]

Ross.

[Joey Diaz]

Ross. You go in there, they have like a. The stitch says. Well, I can't say what the stitch says, but instead of Nike, it's something else. You know what I'm saying? Like, right? Fucking Mikey, you know?

[Lee Syatt]

And you were. Who are you selling these irregular shoes to?

[Joey Diaz]

You'd bring them up north and you fucking sell them for $15. Me and Frankie, $7 every Sunday would go down there by all the sizes from 8 to fucking 13, and take our chances. That was a flea market down there. It's still there. What's it called? Englishtown Flea Market.

[Lee Syatt]

Right, but you'd buy them. Where would you sell these shoes?

[Joey Diaz]

Up here, you fuck.

[Lee Syatt]

To who?

[Joey Diaz]

To kids.

[Lee Syatt]

Are you kids walking around? You want some shoes?

[Joey Diaz]

Kids whose parents won't give them 19.99. Those sneakers were like $22. If you saved $7. You following one? You didn't get a box. That's it.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay?

[Joey Diaz]

You didn't get a box. Who needs a box for $7?

[Lee Syatt]

Fuck it.

[Joey Diaz]

They're irregular. Nobody's gonna see that. The star is a Little smaller on this side. It was a hustle, but there was nothing down there. And I'm not, you know, it was a different. Like, I remember going to a fucking, like one of those bowl nights, like December 29th 30th, like, that. I was probably a senior in high school and a buddy of mine picked me up with, like, three other kids. And then we picked up like, two other savages. And we were going to somewhere like an hour away. His cousin had told him there was a party over there. And I'll never forget, we walked into that party and we're like, what the fuck is going here? Within 10 minutes, one of us was in the bedroom, stealing, robbing the house, jewelry. And then we passed around. Then they passed around the hat, the people. Because we got there and they're like, you guys ought to chip in. They passed around the hat, and I'm not going to tell you who from North Bergen took the hat, took the cash out, put it in his pocket and threw the hat back at them and said, we're out of here. It was like 40 bucks. And he just took the hat. And I'll never forget walking out of there and the people were like, shambled. Like, you guys are criminals. You're animals, you're savages and all this shit. We just got in the car and left. And I'm like, that was easy. That was fucking easy. Like, they were just, you know, it was like a different world.

[Lee Syatt]

That was. Yeah, dude. I think, honestly, the majority of people now, if you work a 9 to 5, if you're actually at the office, by the time they get home, they uber eats, they watch tv. Like, I. I don't think people go out and do anything.

[Joey Diaz]

Let's hold on to that thought. We got to take a breather. We got to talk to you about heal. I gotta take a little pee. Peace. And I'll be right back. Stay black. Hey, Uncle Joey here. If you're tired of skipping meals and starving throughout your day, just drink Huel. Huel is a complete meal in a bottle that you can take on the go. One bottle of that black edition, ready to drink. Has 35 grams of protein, 27 vitamins, minerals, tons of fiber, low sugar. Just gulp and gulp. Listen, I love the chocolate. It tastes tremendous. When I get home from a nice workout, I chug a bottle of this stuff and it's tremendous. There's no prep, there's no cleanup. Just grab a bottle and go. If they even send you a little shaker, you could put this in it and Drink it. Start saving time and money without compromising your nutrition today with my exclusive offer for new customers. You ready for this one? And you don't want to miss on this. 15% off plus a free gift using code church c h u r c hill.com Again, that's 15% off plus a free gift for new customers by pressing in my exclusive code church c h u r c [e-mail] please see our description for terms and conditions. Skip the stress, not the nutrition. Try heal today for complete nutrition bottles. Jack, we're back. Savages. So Lee, you were saying that people work all day and then they go home, they uber eats and they stream a show and that.

[Lee Syatt]

Dude, I think because that's how I got really fat when I first moved to LA, I didn't, I worked 10 to 7 and I didn't want to even stop at a restaurant or cook so I would pick up fast food. But I think now, yeah, I think a lot of people.

[Joey Diaz]

You live in New York City.

[Lee Syatt]

I don't do that.

[Joey Diaz]

Mecca of everything.

[Lee Syatt]

Huh?

[Joey Diaz]

What do you see when you go out to do comedy at night? Like, what do you see?

[Lee Syatt]

So my problem is, is like I only got here in September. To me I do see people out. But I have to be honest, other than like a Times Square or like, you know, the parks, like where the people are supposed to be, it's not jam packed a lot. And I've, I've talked to people who have been there for a while and it does seem less, but I think like New York or honestly any city I think is different. That's why I've always loved cities, because there's always someone outside.

[Joey Diaz]

Well, let's say, like, what's the latest you've stayed out in New York walking around the streets, like from a comedy show, you and two comics to something stop. And what's on the streets at 2 something? Are there bars with 20,000 people in it or not?

[Lee Syatt]

Usually? No, I, honestly I haven't, I got. It was the one bar that I saw that was packed this week was a gay bar, which I thought was great.

[Joey Diaz]

They're always packed. They're giving out yum yum juice in there. Those fucking gay guys, they don't stream tv, they don't eat that shit from Ubereats. They eat cock and carrot juice. You know what I'm saying? They're out. They're out and they drink and they snort coke and they do methadone, methadone dupills. Then they go to the gym and Work out like savages, you know? So here's my point, okay? 40 years ago, right now, in 1985, I was living with George. I stayed with George for about six months. And George would tease me. George would say, you're not gonna go out. George used to go out four nights a week, the weekends with his friend Sammy, and then during the week with a girl and whatever. He would go to the fucking Bicycle Club. He would go to all these clubs, you know, and he would ask me every night, you don't want to go out. I just didn't like it. There was certain nights, but we did go out. We went to a club one night when I robbed a gas station to celebrate, I took him into the city to a club. And then. But besides that, when I like going out. But this is what I like. Like a month ago, I went out. Two months ago, I stayed out till 2 in the morning. That's fucking rare. But I'm not gonna lie to you. I had a fucking good time. I ate some mushrooms. I was at a strip club. All the chicks looked purple to me. You know, they would work me for a dollar and I would giggle in their face. It was fun, you know, it was fun. You're talking to other people. But for me to get dressed on a Tuesday night or a Wednesday, come up here, picnic up to go into the city to have dinner, to meet a bunch of people, to go to a club, I'd rather fucking stick knives in my eyeballs.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, awesome.

[Joey Diaz]

I'd rather stick knives in my eyeballs again. I was also the type of kid that if you caught me on a good night, I mean, I still remember lifting weights with Lubes at 5:30 and hearing that Prince was gonna play with Nucleus and sheila e for 15 bucks. And we made it by 8 o' clock, that's cool. Into the city. I like all that type of shit when I don't have that shit about, let's go see Guns N Roses in June and then we're gonna cargo. What's that shit they call outside in front of the stadium?

[Lee Syatt]

Tailgate?

[Joey Diaz]

Tailgate? No, that. That's gone. We don't tailgate. We get there. We get there fucked up. Okay? We're fucked up.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, you can tailgate with drugs.

[Joey Diaz]

Nah. But it's not. No, you can't. Cause there's fags out there and white people who rat you out. You can't put a mirror on top of your hood and smoke coke on it no more. That ship sailed. And that's exactly what we were Doing. But to get to the point here, I wasn't an out guy then. I get rear. I get. Every once in a while I got a feather up my ass and I go, you know what? What am I gonna do at home? The girls are sleeping. What the fuck? I might as well. The other night from Philadelphia, I had that kid in the car. Whatever. On the way home we talked. I didn't need him talking to me. I liked that he was there. He's a great kid. But that talking took away from my thought. I dropped him off and went for a ride and I went to a bar and I had a fucking martini.

[Lee Syatt]

You had a fucking martini?

[Joey Diaz]

By myself. That's how much I needed. When I called my wife at 10 and she's like, I'm gonna be going to sleep and Mercy just made cookies. We're gonna be in bed, I'm not gonna sit there by myself and then trip in the basement. That's what happens. The four walls close in on a motherfucker.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

So I rather. That's what the ride home is for me.

[Lee Syatt]

Uh huh.

[Joey Diaz]

That's what the ride home is for me to see. What happened? How did it happen? Why did I say that joke? That's what it is. It's like, I don't need a tape recorder. I don't want a tape recorder. I just. It's in my head already. It's in my head.

[Lee Syatt]

Do you remember the whole thing?

[Joey Diaz]

Pieces of it. And then you call me and fill me in.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, I try to, but that. Dude, you need a tape recorder.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't like listening to my voice. No one does ever gonna.

[Lee Syatt]

Dude, the reason why your joke works for me is because that's what my voice sounds like. I hate listening to my voice anyway.

[Joey Diaz]

Nobody likes your fucking voice.

[Lee Syatt]

All right, thank you.

[Joey Diaz]

I like your voice, okay. You have a very nice Jewish voice.

[Lee Syatt]

I appreciate that, but.

[Joey Diaz]

All right. Then I left George. I went to Colorado. And I wasn't going out in Colorado, I was snorting coke. Big difference. Going out and doing blow is a big difference. Yeah. Once I started making money selling cars, I would go to what's the hamburger place that there's one in by my house that they have unlist french fries. Red Robin. Red Robin. Red Robin used to have tremendous drinks in Boulder. They used to have a Coco Loco. I'd buy a gram of coke, put it in my pocket, go over there, get two Coco Locos, maybe a top shelf margarita and I'd do two bumps. Once the coke started hitting me, I stopped at the Liquor store right there in Boulder, picked up my fucking six pack and went home. And that's what I did. I didn't like being out in public when you're that high at that point, I didn't like it. So I never really liked going out. And then I did something for a guy. I still remember being at Corky's and going, I can't wait till I move to Colorado. I'm never going to a fucking bar again. And I didn't, and I never did. But guess what happened in 1991. I decided to get on stage and I'm like, no matter how you cut it now, you gotta be out at night.

[Lee Syatt]

You're in a bar every night, multiple bars.

[Joey Diaz]

I fucking hated it. I fucking hated it. But then once I got into comedy, I started to enjoy it. And the first five years you're in a fucking bar anyway.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, constantly.

[Joey Diaz]

Okay, so from 1991, let's clean this up from 9th. From October of 93 to June of 2004, I got on stage almost every night. Almost every night. The first time I took a break was when I started shooting along the Shark. Because they had no comedy in Santa Fe, New Mexico. I went to a couple strip clubs and talked to them about it. Like, nah, nothing happens in here.

[Lee Syatt]

I'm surprised you and didn't somehow try to convince the other comics on this, on the movie to do a show for them.

[Joey Diaz]

Tracy Morgan wasn't there for longer than, like four days. So. Right, Nobody. And you had to go to Albuquerque, right? And Albuquerque is a quick. If you want to get stabbed, go to Albuquerque. Go to fucking Albuquerque. Something always bad happens in Albuquerque when I'm there. So I'd rather not be there. But that was my life. I remember, like, going off tonight. Like, I still remember getting an audition for NYPD Blue and going, I'm gonna stay in tonight. Cause I'd never seen NYPD Blue. 1997, I was doing stage comedy. Everything got to remember I did not have a TV after. I needed coke money and I sold my trinitron for like 100 bucks. I didn't have a TV after February. From February of 95 to June of 95, I did not have a TV. There was no reason for me to be home. I did that on purpose. I didn't want to be home. You don't need. You're not going to get funny at the house, right? Come home at 2, snort Coke, do whatever you want. But that's how I prepared myself for those times I was broke anyway. I couldn't afford cable. And the whole fucking box. I had to steal it. Forget it. I just not have a fucking tv. And I did that. And I fucking like. You know, when you're out doing comedy, you're doing blow, you're having a good fucking time. And then I stopped doing blow. And that was it. Like my life changed. Because I didn't want to be freaky no more. I didn't want to be out of my mind anymore. And I knew that by going home, I wouldn't get in trouble. Cause you can't get in trouble at the house unless you stab your wife. Nothing bad's gonna happen to you at the house, you know? And now at my age, this is all I want. I want somebody to pick me up at five after seven with a joint and an idea. All right, maybe two joints. We go somewhere, we get out of the car, we smoke one joint, we get back in the car, we go for a ride, we smoke another joint, and then we take a ride to get something to eat, like a milkshake. If you bring me back home by 9 o' clock, I'll never bother you again. My wife won't even hear about it. Just that hour and a half, two hours is all I need. I don't need to go to Studio 54. I don't need to go to the city to talk to people. I don't need to go to a comedy club to talk to people seriously. And that's how I've always been.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

The greatest times I've ever had in this area was when lubes would pick me up at a quarter day. We'd go over the bridge, buy a bag of weed, roll it, smoke it on the way down the west side highway. Pull over on 12th Avenue, get a pretzel and a hot dog and come back to Lincoln Tunnel. And then come up fucking through Hudson county park back to fucking Kennedy Boulevard. That was the best times of my life. I could do that five nights a fucking weekend. Stop somewhere different to get something to eat. A slice of pizza, and I'll put it in my food budget. I'll eat earlier, I'll eat like at 5. Cause I know I'm going out at 10 after 7 to get something, right? A Sicilian, maybe we'll stop and get a fucking bar pie, you know?

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, dude, that's. I couldn't relate to anything more than you said.

[Joey Diaz]

She told me a couple weeks ago, she goes, why don't you get an apartment up there for the summer so you can see your friends? You're closer to George. And I told her, I said, here's the deal, Terry. Like I'm telling you guys, and I'm telling people at home, this is all changed. Nightlife has changed in my area. This is not. You started at Barones, then you went and had a drink at the Midtown. Then you went over here and talked to this guy. That's all that's non existent in this world. If I come up here, it's basically to go to Rudy's at 9, get a cup of soup, smoke a joint with George, and then either I go to his house or we come here, or I go to Nick's house and we smoke weed, we put a movie on, catch the last half of a basketball game, baseball game, and then I go home at 10 o' clock. I'm not going to move up here to jump up and down. It's not going to be the same thing. If I get in my car right now and go looking for somebody. I could paste a $300 bill on my fucking forehead and drive up and down Kelly looking for one joint. I'll give you $300, you'll never find it. There's not a kid hanging out. There's not a parent hanging out. There's nobody grilling in the front there. Nothing.

[Lee Syatt]

And like. But here's the thing.

[Joey Diaz]

White has changed, Lee, you're right, but I don't fucking think young kids 22, 23, I don't see it. But I do. I do see them go home, get their little blankie, get their fucking computer game out, stream one of those fag shows on Netflix and order some fucking Indian food from some store with their girlfriends. They're both wearing sandals. You know, I could see that. You know, I could see that this youth is going for that. That's not what I'd be doing, right? That's not what I'd be fucking doing.

[Lee Syatt]

It does blow my cause. There are people who do that in New York and I don't get that.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, right now I'm the type of guy that George says to me, dog, let's get in the car, let's go to there's a little fucking Chinese restaurant on Park Avenue right in North Bergen. It looks like they bombed it. Every time you go there, it's all steamed up. You can't see the Chinese people inside, but they make a nice pork fried rice. If you want to get a container pork fried rice and sit on the street and eat it with a schnapple, with a napkin, I'm in. I'm one of those guys. I don't need to sit in there at night. But then some night we're gonna get really high and Nick's gonna go, let's go down the river, whatever, and get a steak with river palm. And get a steak with mashed potatoes. With a saddle like a motherfucking dessert. And don't worry about nothing. Just come to the 34th floor and you can sleep on the floor.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, but that all sounds great. But you're also a comic. Like, like, you wouldn't be moving up here to like, have like a nightlife like your night. But if you. If you were gonna.

[Joey Diaz]

No, no, no, no. I said nightlife. But that's not a nightlife. That's a fucking Joey Diaz life, right? That's not a nightlife. I mean.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, you're saying for any normal person.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, here's how fucking lazy I am. If I moved up here, how many nights you think I'm actually gonna go to the ferry and go over there and do comedy? That's not gonna happen either. Three? Maybe. Maybe every other night. But I'll tell you what, it's a lot different doing this shit in the spring and summer.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Than it is in the winter.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, dude, it's great right now.

[Joey Diaz]

You know at 7 o' clock when you walk, when that Uber drops you off in there, it's fucking beautiful at seven o' clock. And you walk out to that fucking thing and there's a couple, everybody's coming back and you're going over, you know, Right? So you go over there, you get on there, get an Uber, go to Gotham, wherever. Like when I was here for the Soprano movie, I'd fucking love it. I'd come over, go to fucking Rudy's. What's this other place? Tapas. We went a couple places at night and I would still be over the bridge by fucking nine. I'd be ashamed. All of us, we eat and we look at each other. You tired? You know, we'll go.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

I remember going over there to a hotel, like at 9 and just going up to the roof to smoke every hour on the hour. And I'm up at like one and I'm like, I'm fucking starving. And I'm like, what the fuck am I gonna eat? And I went downstairs. The lady's like, you go wherever you want. This is open, this is open, but if you want, go to Wohop. And I remember going, I can't go to Wohop by myself. It was 1:30 in the morning. And then finally I got two. I'm like, this is getting serious now. I'm getting hungry. I called down there like at 3:30 and it was still open. We opened till 5. Oh, my God. Oh, this is gonna get ugly up in this bitch.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, that's.

[Joey Diaz]

I missed that. Cause I don't know what. But see, again, guys, I don't stay up late anymore. But when you stay up and you roll a little number, maybe you scroll the TV and Rambo 2 is coming on HBO and you're like, fuck it, I'm gonna go smoke a couple numbers, go upstairs, get some Chips Ahoy, or whatever the fuck you. You know. You don't know. You can't. Like, I don't plan for that because it doesn't. Sundays, it's been happening.

[Lee Syatt]

You stay up late.

[Joey Diaz]

No, I go to bed. I go to bed late, and then I get up, like at 5 and I watch the worst show on fucking the Thing. But it's my favorite show. It's the worst. This season four has just depressed me more than anything in the world. Malcolm X is making dream comebacks and shit. I don't. I don't even. Godfather, Harlem. Oh, boy.

[Lee Syatt]

It's not good.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, the producers moved on. They got like 18 different shows. The chin is gone. Vincent Gigante went to somewhere, you know, a different show. He's doing something for Marvel or one of those motherfuckers. And the show is brutal. It is brutal. My wife goes, how come you don't let me watch me? I goes, I don't want you to watch it. I don't want you to laugh at me. It's fucking God awful. The fucking Tupac's mother is in it now, and she became a Black Panther and fucking.

[Lee Syatt]

So why don't you give up? Just tell you just be done with the show.

[Joey Diaz]

Give up. At the end of the season. I don't think Bumpy's gonna make it. I think Frank Lucas is gonna kill him. So, see, cause Frank Lucas is coming on the scene with Joe Colombo, and fucking Bumpy's getting old. He just had a heart attack. So shit's happening in Harlem right now.

[Lee Syatt]

So that's what you do on Sundays now, is you wake up early and watch the show.

[Joey Diaz]

I wake up early just to watch it alone. I'll get high and I'll go back to bed.

[Lee Syatt]

Is it because you're embarrassed by it.

[Joey Diaz]

Or because you wake up early? Yeah, I can't have my wife walking into me watching that show. She'll lose. She'll go, joey, what the fuck is going on here.

[Lee Syatt]

They're not doing it to jerk off.

[Joey Diaz]

And they're doing it to watch the show. And they took, like, another million dollars from production. So the production looks like. Like, it's a high school thing. Like, the other day, he was in the hospital, dog. It was not a hospital. It was not a hospital. No fucking way. It's just not. Not. I don't like when they do that to shows.

[Lee Syatt]

Remember that Clint Eastwood movie where they. It was like, the sniper one already made fun of it for years. But they. They had, like, a baby in the movie. But Clint Eastwood just had them have, like, a toy baby. And it, like, was in the movie. Like, it was obviously not a real baby. Like, that's crazy. When.

[Joey Diaz]

You'd be surprised what isn't real. Like, animals.

[Lee Syatt]

The animals aren't real?

[Joey Diaz]

No. What are petrified animals. And the camera moves. And the editing, they put, like, a real fucking animal. Then they pull them away and they put, like, a fake. And then you shoot. The fucking thing explodes.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, yeah. The ones exploding.

[Joey Diaz]

I figured whatever you could do with a camera is brilliant. What they could do with a camera. They can make you believe anything.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

So it's pretty interesting if it's that bad. Like today. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And that Godfather of Harlem. Oh, my God. He crashes into somebody. It's a guy with a beard that crashes in. And then fucking Pino comes out and he's got, like, an Italian guy. I'm like, there was a terrorist just driving that fucking car. I thought it was jihad in Brooklyn. And now the guy's got to be like, they couldn't even. A lot of movies, I look for that stupid shit.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Like when people fall off a cliff or something. How they tuck their head. Or they'll put, like, a wig on, and you see the wig fly off. Shit like that.

[Lee Syatt]

What was the De Niro one where, like, you could see, like, the. Like, the. It was a casino where they blew up the car at the end. Yeah, but they had, like, a dummy in the car that, like, there was, like, a frame they just cut. The editing was just a little weird.

[Joey Diaz]

And sometimes they do. The editor goes, let's leave it in to fuck with people. It's like if you watch the first. Brad Pitt and George Clooney when they rob people. Ocean's Eleven, Ocean's Loving. Watch the first one. There's a scene with. They do that to fuck with people. Brad Pitt is eating a shrimp cocktail.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

He's eating it off a dish, dipping it in the thing, the next scene, he's got the shrimp cocktail, the way shrimp cocktail is supposed to come. That's a huge fucking motion picture. That's a huge George Clooney and Brad Pitt and eight other fucking animals. You got eight eyes looking at that. Not one person. That's how fucking monotonous something could get. Like, if you keep looking at something over and over, right? It just gets that monotonous. When I see it, I'm like, oh, there's a couple Sopranos where you see the boom. Really? Couple Sopranos where you see the fucking boom, you know? And dog, it's a busy day. It's 13 hours. You've been there since 6 o' clock. This guy didn't show up. This woman's pussy hurts. Everybody's complaining they can't find the missing shoe. And all of a sudden you just want to get out of there. And you shoot through it. And whatever the eye is used to. It's like when you go home. You ever go home and look at the mirror? When you get ready, we all get ready, you know? It's not that you look in the mirror, look at my fucking head. No, I got three heads left, you know? But I don't give a fuck who you are. Look at your home mirror. And then go to Vegas and take a shower and go in the mirror with your clothes on. You're gonna go, what the fuck happened? I aged. I got fatter. I got skinnier. My feet look big. Because your mirror, you see what you want to see on that Vegas mirror. That motherfucker don't lie. That's the real deal. That's who's what? Who's the chick who looks at the mirror? Mirror, mirror on the wall, Same fucking thing. Who's the ugliest motherfucker of the mall? Jesus Christ. It's me. That's what the fucking problem is. Death.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, could you imagine if the. If you had a mirror that talked to you and told you what you look like?

[Joey Diaz]

I'm thinking of making one. That's a good idea. I'm a patent. You look like dick. You look like a fucking sack of shit, okay? With that fucking shirt on. Where the fuck are you going? But it's really weird what I look for at night in nightlife. Now I'm not looking, dog. I could never. The only way I could stay up till one is if me and George had a coffee now. And I did, like something like half a mushroom or another taffy. I'd be up till 1, maybe 2. I got nowhere to be tomorrow till 11, so I don't give a fuck. But that won't stop me. I'll go to bed at 2, but at 6:30, that cat'll be waking me up. And then I'll get up. And then I'll actually get up, drink coffee, do what I gotta do in the morning, talk to my wife. And sometimes once she leaves, I'm like, I'm showered, I'm going back to bed. Fuck it. I go back to bed for another hour. I get up, oh, yeah, yeah, I need my eight now. So. But no, I don't. I'm not looking to be Johnny Bananas. It's like game seven of the Knicks the other day, Game six. I love what I do. I love that I'm a comic and I lucked out and shit. Works out to me. But that doesn't give me the right to dress up like a fucking clown and buy tickets. I can't afford to go to a Nick game, to jump up and fucking down like I'm somebody. You know what I'm saying? Like. And you watch it. Listen, you want to go to a Nick game and hide. Like if. When you see. What's his name, the guy who dated his daughter. Woody Allen, the Chinese girl. Woody Allen, Woody Allen. Remember? He used to go to Nick games. He didn't sit in the front, he sat in the corner. Cause he knew he was doing something evil. The real gangsters don't want to be seen.

[Lee Syatt]

It does seem like that when you watch.

[Joey Diaz]

Like that's what everything has become. That's what everything has become. When you go to those. When you look at those Nick games, here's the sad fucking thing. Those first 10 rows, they're not even there to watch the game. You can see it on the TV screen. They're talking to each other. They're looking at their sunglasses, they're looking at the phone. They're not there. They just want to tell their friends, I went to the Nick game last night. Oh, my God, how was it? It was so exciting. No, you didn't even watch. You couldn't wait for the game to end. So you go home to your fucking ugly cat. You know, the fuck is wrong with people?

[Lee Syatt]

No, it's for them to take an Instagram picture.

[Joey Diaz]

That's it. But that's every game you see. Not if you're watching like Memphis or, you know, Oklahoma City or Denver. But LA Lakers is the same fucking thing. You know, the Garden is the same thing. Miami, Miami. Who's in the audience? And that just. And then People, it just. I don't know, it just sucks, I think. It's just. I don't know. You have to pull up to the side of the garden for a limo to pull you up. It's just. I don't know, man. It's not for me. I just want to fucking move in darkness.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah. You never want to be seen.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't want to be. I don't want to be fucked. You know why? And to act that way bothers me, like, to act that way. Like, there's only one time I had a good time when somebody put a camera on me, and that was last year at the ufc.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, that was cool.

[Joey Diaz]

Because I knew that dude. I know him. So he asked me and I was like, I don't know. And they were all talking about it. Give it a shot. And then he came back, and then he came back another time and they were like, no, that's it. But that dude didn't. But I see that dude all the time. He's been with the UFC for I don't know how fucking long, but that shit makes me feel like. I would hate to get caught on the camera when you have to kiss somebody.

[Lee Syatt]

You don't like to kiss, Cam.

[Joey Diaz]

I mean, you know, you're sitting next to, I don't know, your wife, hopefully. Yeah, let's say I'm sitting next to my wife. I don't mind kissing her, but it's just. I don't like kissing somebody on the spot, you know, that's like fucking playing fucking spin the bottle, you know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syatt]

Could you propose at a stadium? Like, people do that.

[Joey Diaz]

No, I saw that the other day. The guy, the chick pitched, and she turned around and he's on one knee like a faggot. Because what if she says no?

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, I know.

[Joey Diaz]

That's fucking life changing. That's worse than your team losing and you got the jack in the helmet on like a fucking 10 year old, you know? So I proposed to Terry on the phone.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, I forgot about that on the fucking phone.

[Joey Diaz]

That's how normal people do it. I gotta make an event. I gotta make an event and put a bird trail on the sign that says, I love you, Terry, and I gotta get on my one knee like a fucking idiot. That's what you did in 19th century, you know, right? When you had the bow and arrow. That's not even the bow and arrow. A little after that. Like before the Titanic. Like the Titanic, yeah.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

You gotta come to a woman's house with a hat on your chest. Talio. I'm here to pick up Cynthia. And where do you plan to take Cynthia? I plan to take her for some tea and then maybe see a concert. And who's performing? Oh, my goodness. Have you heard of the White Rail? Oh, we love the White Rail.

[Lee Syatt]

You'd have to, like, court them. It was like. Courting.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah.

[Lee Syatt]

Like, you ask the parents, come out.

[Joey Diaz]

With you the first time, and, you know, you're just trying to get a piece, and they're watching you like it. You're a kidnapper.

[Lee Syatt]

Do you like. And, like, do you think now you would like. You would have texted her, like, I can't. Like, dude, I've never heard of anyone getting proposed to over the phone.

[Joey Diaz]

I was with her for nine years. You don't need the drama. That's it. Do you ever see Pretty Woman? The best part of Pretty Woman was when she's talking to Richard Gere and she's waiting for Richard Gere to make a move, and Richard Gere shows up with strawberries. And what else did he show up with? Champagne. Remember? And she was eating the strawberries, and he's like, slow down. You gotta fuckin' Cause she's an animal. And all of a sudden, she looks at him and goes, listen, before we get this started, I'm a sure thing.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay, I forgot about that.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm a short thing, so knock it off with the romance and the fucking. Yeah, I'm here to fuck. You paid me two grand. There ain't no looking back. You know what I'm saying? Right?

[Lee Syatt]

I don't need strawberries.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm a sure thing. That's it. You know, when you're with somebody for nine years, she's a short thing. She ain't going nowhere, Right? But how's she gonna carry all the cats out by herself? It's a sure fucking thing.

[Lee Syatt]

You take two trips. But, like, dude, how did that conversation get, like, lead up to it? Were you planning on proposing?

[Joey Diaz]

Not at all. Not at all. I was clean off the coke for about a year. I was finally stabilized, and I was looking at her, and. You can love a woman with all your heart, all right? You can love a woman with all your. Now, listen, I came from the fucking 70s, where you meet a woman, you take her home, and whatever happens, happens. If she ain't got no family, ain't no sense of marrying her, getting stuck with the tab and fucking, you know. No, you understand me? Like, I came from a different time. She's your woman. You don't need no Fucking document to prove that she's your woman. At the end of the day, every man in this room would not get married. Unless they're for her parents or your parents. So I was just living with her. I was already married. I failed at it. Who would want to marry a guy that was already married and failed on it? Why would you want to fail? Because then you kept falling into that stupid fucking. I've been married for four times. You're a fucking loser. You're a fucking loser.

[Lee Syatt]

Two is a lot different than four.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, but after the first time, you're a fucking loser, okay? You failed at the basis communication. Basic. It's a man and a woman. You fucking got an F. Things happen. I get it. Things happen. That's not what happened with me and my ex wife. Things happen. But you know, when you're with somebody that long, it's like we just. We. You know what? These idiots call my ride and die. And they don't even know what they're talking about.

[Lee Syatt]

Right.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, they don't even know what the fuck they're talking about. Everybody's pissed off. Everybody's putting something online right now. You know, I don't know how I feel about David Portnoy, you know, I know he's a great fucking guy and he's helped a lot of businesses and shit. Sometimes he pisses me off with the shit. He says, but you gotta love what the man said last week on Club Shay. Shay. He said he broke, you see that he broke up with his wife. They're divorced, but she still has access to the fucking account.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, I have heard of that.

[Joey Diaz]

And he goes, why'd you do that? He goes, cause she was with me when I couldn't afford a hamburger. In, in. That's it. That's what people forget all the time. So most guys leave. And that's what he did. He got a 26 year old, you know, you got a young chick, whatever, but you forgot about that fucking cheeseburger. Like I still have the first TV me and that woman bought. And I'm a fucking animal. Everybody knows I'm a fucking animal. I don't hold. I have nothing from my youth. I fucking stole people's houses that were holding my stuff. You know, I robbed two people who are holding my stuff. I lost it all, you know, but there's people, you know, and it's. I didn't know I was gonna get married. I just knew she was sad about something. She had gone home and her brother and sister in law were about to have their second kid, and she's fucking around with me for nine years. We're still living in a one bedroom fucking apartment studio. We share a fucking car. You know, a woman at one point goes, what the fuck? And I don't blame you. Nine years, you know, like I say all the time, you could suck dick in an apartment. You could suck dick in a mansion. I'd rather suck dick in a mansion with silk sheets and a guy playing the violin. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, your chocha's nice and clean. You don't have to go to get up and go to work. But, you know. So I don't know, Lee. I went to this thing that day, and I talked to a friend of mine, Santeria Babalao. He was my kung fu teacher. And one day I went over there for a read. And when I do Santeria stuff, the male saints don't ever fucking bother me. They always say, like, you know, don't hang out on the corner, or don't carry a weapon, or don't drink, shit like that. It's. Before I leave. The women saints always raise their fucking hands and they always got something to say. You gotta do this, you gotta do that. You gotta treat this person better. You gotta do this. And you understand when they say it to you, they don't say it to you. Like, you gotta be nicer to Lee. They don't tell you that. They say something else to you. And when you get in the car, you're like, I know what they're talking about. And he was just. He was telling me that this saint kept throwing up, that I couldn't let this woman go. The woman I had, don't let her go. Because at that point, I'm like, I ain't doing nobody no favors. You gotta be honest with yourself. I ain't doing her no favors. She's a pretty girl. She's got three or four more years before she could have a kid. She'd go back to Oklahoma, wherever my wife is from, Tennessee, and meet a cowboy. Is it gonna hurt me? Yeah. But in the long run, I'm gonna be a better man for it. And whatever that guy said to me, I'll never forget. I got in the car and I called my wife from the car, put the air on, and I'm like, listen, here's the deal. Let's get married. Blah, blah, blah. I'm gonna call your dad. That I did do. I called her dad. He didn't even know what I was talking about. What? Yeah, I'm gonna marry your wife. What? Yeah, I'm gonna marry your wife. Really? Yeah, you know, it was. That's exactly what I did. The wedding cost us a thousand bucks, guy.

[Lee Syatt]

That never happened.

[Joey Diaz]

You didn't need pigeons. We didn't need white people jumping up and down in a band and us somebody banging a glass and making believe you love each other. And my love is, this is my new sister in law, I love. We don't need that. We don't need that. That's for fucking people. Want to show you something. That's for that fat chick that never had dick. And she gets married at 48. She's got to show everybody she's married now. Fucking. The dress don't even fit no more.

[Lee Syatt]

I think she might have earned it at 48.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. You know what I'm talking about.

[Lee Syatt]

So what did you get for $1,000?

[Joey Diaz]

Well, we got the cake, a dress, my wedding band, decorations, because the Hollywood bowl gave us the lounge for free. We got Cuban food from El Cochinito, pork chunks. We got fried chicken from Ralph's. From rock and roll. Ralph's has the best fried chicken. And we got pastrami from Langers and fucking. And that was it. And we told people to have to bring a gift. And it was on a Wednesday night. Yeah, I didn't want to put anybody out because when you have a fucking wedding on a Saturday, you put me the fuck out. Okay? That's eight hours out of my fucking day. Let's narrow that down. We got married in one of those chapels on Wilshire. You walk in, the midget comes out in the tuxedo, bop, bop, bop. You sign. We got in the fucking car and drove a half a mile up to the fucking Hollywood Bowl. Everybody came with jeans and T shirts. I did not give a fuck. And it was perfect. And 16 years later, we're still fucking together. So you want to talk to me about having pigeons and kissing everybody and white people, everybody dressed in white suits. And you don't need that shit at the end of the day. But you got to convince this chick you're marrying that that's the problem. You got to convince this poor girl that since she's been 8, she's been having a dream to marry a prince. And you're gonna come in on a white horse and her dad's gonna pay for everything. You know, that's the problem you have. It's pretty tough to convince a woman that we're not gonna get married like that. For what? For your fucking goofy friends. For those retards no, I'm not getting. We'll get married for us.

[Lee Syatt]

I agree with that and I will say because like I was teasing you when, when you reminded me about getting a proposing over the phone. But like, there's a lot of people who are really unhappy in marriages and who are just like, they felt like they had to do it or they were like they were giving up because they were getting older or like for a million reasons people get married that they shouldn't. And like, you know, like you said, you're about to hit it. We talked an episode or two ago about 25 years.

[Joey Diaz]

Episodes about 35 year old women.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, no. But yeah, that too.

[Joey Diaz]

35 year old women and 40 year old men. I mean, listen, the biggest thing in this country right now is loneliness, okay? You see it every day, you read about it. People depend on, they've depended on this online dating and it's taken them out of going to bars and talking to people, you know, they depended too much on online dating. You know, guys my age are supposed to be really fucking bored. They're getting there, you know, I'm getting there. That's why I do what I do. People my age get a dog. At least they walk a dog three times a day and you lose your mind. You talk to the dog, you buy cookies for the, you know, whatever the fuck you do. But right now a lot of people are fucking lonely, dude.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, and it's hard to meet people, very hard to meet women. But I, I believe in something. There's an ass for every chair, okay? And you just gotta get out there. And I've seen it. I've seen it. I've seen it. I fucking seen it right in front of my eyes. Just chicks that can't catch a break and they marry some white dude and boom, they have a kid. And you know, I just saw a girl on Facebook. I remember when this girl was struggling. She's a fucking producer now. Her and her husband started producing fucking films. They had a kid. I know this girl. 20 fucking years. She was an assistant. You know, I believe in it. I seen it. It's just believing that you're gonna meet somebody nice and fucking dropping your fucking whatever. Because everybody wants a beauty Queen. But you're 50, you're missing a tooth, you know, you live in your mother's basement. What's gonna happen? What fucking beauty queen are you gonna draw? Take what you want, take what you can get. Like the man says, what's the stone say? You can't get what you Want, but you get what you need. Okay?

[Lee Syatt]

Have you ever had that conversation with a friend, like you need to lower your standards?

[Joey Diaz]

No, because they got no standards. They got friends that got no standards.

[Lee Syatt]

That's true.

[Joey Diaz]

You a little bit. George got no standards. He gets hooks up with a chick, next thing you know, he's driving to the chemo. You know, he don't give a fuck. You know, well, you, George, I'm like, chemo, I gotta call you back. I regret this piece of pussy. Yeah, you're gonna glow in the dark now. She sucks your dick with that chemo juice in her mouth.

[Lee Syatt]

I don't know where to go from chemo juice, to be very honest with you.

[Joey Diaz]

Chemo juice is chemo juice. You know what I'm saying? I don't know what to tell you. I had a good time with you guys today. I hope you have a great week. I want to thank.

[Lee Syatt]

Bluechew.

[Joey Diaz]

And we had Huell and Huell. I want to thank them for sponsoring us. And I want to thank you guys. What do you got this week, Cinderella?

[Lee Syatt]

This week I'm all over New York throughout the week. Check out my Instagram. And yeah, I got shows coming up. Why don't you tell them so, Broadway Comedy Club. Wednesday night, Tuesday night, I'm at Sheba's at the Three Monkeys Bar. And then Friday night at midnight, I'm on the Upper east side. I'll have a nice act date for you.

[Joey Diaz]

You see, I got nothing. I got nothing all week. I might pop up somewhere, I don't know. I got nothing. I got problems. I got to go doctor on Wednesday. And that tells me where they're going to put me. Back in the hospital for good. And we won't be doing this podcast live no more. We're doing it. Nah, you'll be here with the boys and I'll be in the hospital room coming direct from fucking. I can't even do this. I'll be missing an ear. I'll just be on this hand here. I'll be around. Cocksuckers. Thank you for watching and listening. Stay black. Hey, Uncle Joey here. It's a beautiful day to be alive. I want to talk to you about bluechew. Listen, even if the rest of your life is a disaster, you can at least have some great sex with bluechew. In other words, you could sling dick like a fucking animal. Bluechew helps men be stronger, harder and longer lasting. So you have the time to pull out all your tricks in the bedroom. Listen, you could be giving her stabbing and breaking bottles against the wall. The next day people say, how was the sex? It was tremendous. There was a lot of stuff going on in that room. Listen, just sign [e-mail] consult with one of their licensed medical providers, and once you get approved, your prescription will be at your doorstep days. You're going to love it. The mailman don't even know what he's delivering. Make life easier by getting harder and discovering your [e-mail] and we got a special deal for church listeners. Try your first month of Bluechew absolutely free. When you press in, promo code Joey, j o e y. Just pay the $5 shipping. That's it. That's promo code Joey. And you're going to change your life. You're going to sling dick like a gladiator, you understand me? You're going to bust bottles over your head. You're going to be a fucking savage. Women will be calling you from all over the world. Hi, are you available this Saturday? Listen, I'm busy with BlueChew. Visit BlueChew.com for more details and important safety information. And I want to thank Bluechew for sponsoring the show and to help me sling Dick at 62, you know what I'm saying?