This could all be B.S.

Summary

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Podcast Summary: "This Could All Be B.S."

Podcast: The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament
Host: Joey Diaz
Co-host: Lee Syatt
Air Date: May 5, 2026

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Episode Overview

This lively episode, recorded live from NYC on Cinco de Mayo, is an unfiltered deep dive into Joey Diaz’s recent knee replacement surgery, evolving attitudes toward age and health, and the everyday stresses of life for both Joey and Lee. As always, brutal honesty and humor permeate the episode, with Joey reflecting on his journey from wild comedian to someone striving for moderation and new beginnings. Lee shares upcoming travel plans and the challenges of maintaining balance in New York City life. The episode also explores topics ranging from pain management and drug use, to the unexpected realities of aging, and the importance of staying mentally sharp and engaged.

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Major Discussion Points & Insights

Opening Banter: Cinco de Mayo & Life’s Meaning

• [00:03]: Joey opens with classic energy, riffs on the insignificance of Cinco de Mayo unless you have "something riding" (e.g., a crush), and pokes fun at their lack of knowledge about the holiday’s origin.
  • “You gave a fuck one year because you had a crush on a girl...but besides that, who gives a fuck?” — Joey [00:15]
• Lee questions if the holiday is even a Mexican celebration or a "white thing,” with Joey only vaguely recalling the historical context. [01:11]

Surgery, Pain, and Hospital Stories

• [01:57]: Joey delves into his recent knee surgery experience, discussing the drugs administered and the humbling nature of surgery.
  • “Nothing that I've ever done matches that calmness...I don't know if it's the Michael Jackson tea.” — Joey [02:10]
• Joey recounts the embarrassment and hilarity of pre-surgery procedures, including an awkward pee test with a nurse:
  • “She looked at me...when she walked away, that went into my subconscious and I’m in the thing like ‘Bring the chick back!’” — Joey [03:31]
• Vividly describes receiving a spinal block:
  • “The third one felt like I was quarterback and somebody kicked me in the back of the ball...It felt like the button.” — Joey [06:00]
• Discusses the euphoric effect of anesthesia:
  • “It was like six minutes of brilliance—a state of euphoria.” — Joey [08:28]

Dealing with Aging and Identity

• [09:18]: Joey opens up about the psychological struggle of feeling “crazy” or second-guessing life decisions, sharing an anecdote about hiring a private investigator years after his divorce for reassurance.
  • “I don’t like feeling crazy, Lee. Like, I don’t...of thinking I made a mistake and second guessing.” — Joey [09:41]
• Talks about the slowing pace of life and the adjustments required as he recovers and gets older.
• Lee asks Joey to reflect on what he would tell his younger self. Joey admits he never expected to reach 63, attributing survival to physical activity, self-care, and changing his inner circle.

Pain Management: Pills & Marijuana

• [14:07]: Joey details excruciating post-surgery pain, the sparing prescription of painkillers, and the unexpected effectiveness of marijuana:
  • “It wasn’t until I smoked dope and put the ice on it that it just disappeared.” — Joey [15:15]
• Compares painkiller and edible THC use, reflecting on addiction, dose, and the goal of getting off pills quickly.
  • “The pain pills are just like Xanax...it’s like three days, you don’t want to take them that fourth day.” — Joey [18:35]
• Both hosts note the side effects of painkillers, including itchiness and digestive issues, with Joey preferring the "weird" pain relief of edibles. [20:55]

Recovery & Physical Therapy

• [23:08]: Joey describes the challenges of moving post-surgery, making it up and down stairs, and adjusting to new physical limitations (“can’t be on your knees, can’t walk on the beach, can’t kick the bag” [25:46]).
• Shares that the old knee replacement failed because “there was a gap between the metal settling into the bone...” [24:56]
• Expresses a renewed commitment to careful recovery and learning from past mistakes.

Stress & Aging: Life after 60

• [35:55]: Emphasizes that stress—not just physical injury—is a “silent killer.”
  • “Stress is a silent killer. Banks on your heart.” — Joey [35:55]
• Joey argues for the need to stay mentally active and to find purpose.
  • "If you don't use it, you lose it." — Joey [49:05]
• Discusses adapting social life in your 60s, the importance of community (even if it’s the dog), and staying out of toxic arguments.

The Comedy Grind, Retirement, and Legacy

• [47:51]: Joey contemplates retirement versus adaptation in comedy, preferring to dial down rather than quit entirely, comparing it with aging performers who “go out on stage and can’t even do the moves.”
  • “If you don’t use it, you lose it...and that’s the worst thing in the world.” — Joey [49:05]
  • "People are going to see you because you might die any day." — Joey (on aged entertainers) [50:14]
• Warns about the dangers of poor money management and tax troubles in later life.
• Reflects on the risks of being "pimped out" in show business, referencing infamous cases among performers and personal acquaintances.

Health, Diet, and Self-Care

• [58:17]: Joey shares dietary changes (“I stopped eating bacon years ago”), the impact of various choices on longevity, and his use of probiotics and supplements.
  • “If you eat a hot dog, you lose six minutes. I’ll need those six minutes.” — Joey [58:46]
• Admits that transitioning to healthier routines is necessary if he wants to maintain an active life.

Lee’s Travel Plans and Cultural Curiosity

• [71:28]: Lee discusses his upcoming trip to Japan—his excitement, planned stand-up shows, and experiences (“I’m really excited. It’s gonna be awesome. …What do you want as a souvenir?” [77:11]).
• Joey and Lee riff on Japanese customs, sumo wrestling, and food, introducing a playful cultural commentary.

Hospital Woes and Everyday Frustrations

• [81:32]: The two share stories of hospital inefficiencies, broken equipment, and the grind of advocating for oneself while recovering.

Closing Thoughts: New Beginnings & Perspective

• [61:03], [61:22]: Joey sums up surgery as a new beginning, not an end, emphasizing the ongoing value in adapting, performing, and maintaining hope for the future.
  • “I didn’t look at the surgery as an ending. I looked at this surgery as a new beginning in a way, you know?” — Joey [61:03]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “If I wake up and the cops are in the room, then we fucked up...” — Joey [03:50]
• “Pain pills...it’s all just candy for Joey.” — Joey [16:25]
• “I can’t be on my knees. That’s side control. So there goes that for sure." — Joey [25:46]
• “If you don’t use it, you lose it." — Joey [49:05]
• “We allow [stress] because there’s no reprimand. It’s accepted.” — Joey [37:05]
• “I didn’t look at the surgery as an ending. I looked at it as a new beginning.” — Joey [61:03]
• “All we’re doing right now is trying to stay alive another day.” — Joey [44:39]
• "If I go up there and I'm shaking, looking like Bruce Springsteen, have a long talk with me guys. Pull me aside." — Joey [46:42]
• "You die in your fucking house." — Joey [45:27]

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Key Timestamps

• 00:03 – Opening, Cinco de Mayo jokes
• 01:57 – Knee surgery, anesthesia, hospital anecdotes
• 09:18 – Mental health: fear of feeling crazy
• 14:07 – Post-surgery pain, hospital medications
• 18:35 – Discussion on weaning off painkillers
• 20:55 – Painkiller side effects vs. cannabis
• 23:08 – Navigating stairs, physical therapy
• 25:46 – Post-replacement activity limitations
• 35:55 – Stress as a silent killer
• 44:39 – Staying alive, one day at a time
• 47:51 – Retirement, legacy in comedy
• 58:17 – Diet, everyday health habits
• 61:03 – Looking at surgery as a beginning
• 71:28 – Lee’s Japan travel plans
• 81:32 – Hospital stories
• 85:33 – Wrap up

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Overall Tone & Takeaways

This episode is classic Joey Diaz: unfiltered, introspective, and brutally funny. Joey’s candidness about pain, age, regret, and redemption provides relatable and sometimes surprisingly poignant lessons about health, resilience, and the importance of adapting to new chapters. For fans, it’s a reassuring update that, despite setbacks, Joey’s spirit and comedic drive remain undiminished. The banter with Lee injects levity and a sense of continuity, with Japan trip shenanigans awaiting on the horizon.

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For listeners who missed it:
Expect a rollercoaster of surgery stories, raw reflections on age and work, sharp-tongued rants about life's absurdities, and laughter over Lee’s travel plans—all delivered with Joey’s trademark streetwise wisdom and larger-than-life presence.

Transcript

[A]

Kick this motherfucker mule. What up, beautiful people? It's the Church of what's Happening Now. New edition, whatever, New Testament. I got my man Lisa at the Cato of Jews and your Uncle Joey back for another fun filled episode. It's Tuesday. Cinco de Mayo. Nobody gives a fuck anymore. You ever noticed that? Like you gave a fuck one year because you had a crush on a girl that worked at the Ping and you were gonna show up and dance the mambo. But besides that, unless you got nothing riding, who gives a fuck?

[B]

I think, I think it's because you don't drink. I think people who drink are like, oh, fuck.

[A]

I drive around, I look. They don't fucking celebrate like they used to.

[B]

No, that's true.

[A]

I don't know if I was in la, I don't know what it was. I mean, Cinco de Mayo in LA like was. We did the weed stuff for Cinco de Mayo. A lot of dispensaries did comedy shows, you know, it was Cinco de Mayo in la where they invented Cinco de Mayo with the Mexicans right there.

[B]

I don't even know. And I dated Mexican for five years. Do Mexicans celebrate it or is it like a white thing?

[A]

It's like Corona, right? It's a Corona. You know what I'm saying? It's the day the Mexicans beat the French up. Correct? Something like that.

[B]

I don't know. I have no idea.

[A]

Fucking two college educated people. You see what's wrong with this country? Ladies and gentlemen, as soon as we

[B]

start recording, you want to fucking know

[A]

that your child, what they're getting for the fucking two GS. They're paying. They don't even know what happened on that day.

[B]

Two G's.

[A]

Me, I'm. I'm an ex felon. I'm fucking. I got a ged and I even know they beat up somebody, the French, something like that. Don't fucking quote me on it, but they beat somebody. But they fucked somebody, got a fucking beat. And the Mexicans had to celebrate. So that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that. I had surgery.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Thursday, which is very humbling. You know, you walk in there with expectations and it's completely different. A shout out to the drugs they give you at the.

[B]

I think you say the doctors.

[A]

A big shout out, big shout out to whatever they give you. Because nothing that I've ever done matches that calmness. Like that's. I don't know if it's the Michael Jackson tea.

[B]

Oh, like the.

[A]

If it's naprophenol I don't know what they shoot you with, you know, Listen, well, Joey, somebody came to you and. Yeah, right. Right before surgery. Do I really. You think I give a what they putting in me as I'm going into nappy new new land.

[B]

But you're not worried about like. I'm always worried about like what I'm gonna say, like on. On that stuff gives a.

[A]

They already heard it. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

Yeah. You don't think there's that, like there's not something.

[A]

Why didn't you chatted with them this time? I just smiled because I thought about the same thing. Because I know the. The time I did it before, right before they were going to start the surgery. I said, guys, I got to pee. And they're like, don't worry about it. We'll put a catheter in you during the surgery. I'm like, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. That's my nightmare. Let me pee right now. And they had shot me with so many drugs that it was like a Seinfeld thing. It was like doing coke. And then they sent the hottest nurse in to get my pee. So I had to swoop around and put a peanut. I mean it was a centimeter of a dick into this jar. Like hump. It was pee jars and like hump it, give it a hip so the pee wouldn't fall on top of me. That's. That's it, you know? So I just. It was not good. I could imagine. And she looked at me like we looked. We made eye contact and she had beautiful like green eyes. So I guarantee when she walked away, that went into my subconscious and I'm in the thing. Bring the chick back.

[B]

That's what I'm worried about.

[A]

I want to lick my balls.

[B]

Oh my God.

[A]

It always worries me, but what are you going to do? It's who you are, right? You know, when I listen, if I wake up and the cops are in the room, then we fucked up. Then we talked about a murder. I know somebody got thrown off a bridge. You know, that's what you got to worry about. But if I wake up and there's nobody there to interview me, like social services or child services, whatever the fuck those companies are. They always want to ask you creepy questions when you're waking up. Nobody fucking lets you wake up. What are you feeling? Let me wake up first. You mind if I wake up and look at a tree or look at a fucking. You know. Anyway, it doesn't really.

[B]

There's this Video I've seen of this husband who had surgery, this black dude and his wife is sitting there and he's just waking up and he's like, you're stupid. I had a threesome this week and like, like was going through like. And she's like, no, you didn't. He's like, yes, I did. It was this. It was great. It was. It's one of my favorite video. But it's like, oh my God, all this stuff. And then cuz I was a little bit worried about you, cuz you, like the night before you said, hey, I'll text you, I'll be done at one, don't call me, I'll text you when I'm done. And it was like four o'.

[A]

Clock.

[B]

And finally Terry texted us and I was like, hey, he's okay. Like, did it, did it take longer than expected or.

[A]

You know, I got there at 7:30 and they're very nice. They tried their hardest, you know. No, no, they really tried to get me in there. I think I started going in about 11:30. God damn it. But they give me a protein drink that holds you. It wasn't bad. It wasn't like I was starving or anything. And then I got in there and I think the most uncomfortable thing about the surgery was the spine block they put in me.

[B]

What's that?

[A]

They have to shoot me in my spine. If you look at my back right now, I got a tramp stamp.

[B]

Oh, what does it say? What does it say?

[A]

Fuck Joey D's in the ass. I don't know what it says. I got a tramp stamp because of the bruising.

[B]

Oh, and they just shoot a big needle to like turn it off.

[A]

A couple of them. And the third one felt like I was quarterback. I'm taking the ball out from the center, okay. And somebody kicked me in the back of the ball. Not the front of the nut sack, just the back. It felt like the button. You know, the back of your nuts really never gets exercised. No, it's like the bottom of your lungs. Sometimes you do it, sometimes you don'. Bro, I hadn't breathed in like maybe 20 years. I actually. My body lifted from the fucking chair. And I'm not trying to be funny or cute.

[B]

No, I'm sure you are.

[A]

I know when my body lifts, like I got Satan in me, it fucking. I don't know how I got up like 2 inches because I didn't put my feet on the floor. There was no way I could have, you know, jumped off the table. My little chubby hands. I doubt I just went poof. But something. She shot me the third time, guys. It was real. And then my legs went numb.

[B]

Really.

[A]

I remember scratching my calf and I couldn't feel it.

[B]

I'm like, why do they do this when you're awake? Why can't they just put you to sleep and shoot you with every needle? And.

[A]

Well, they try to do. Listen, the only thing they hit, at least they hit you with a 20 milligram oxy.

[B]

Is that a good one? I don't know.

[A]

Yeah, it slows down the game a little bit. And then you walk into the room and they shoot you with, you know, the nerve blocker for your legs. So they shoot somewhere around here. Right there. Yeah. That shuts off your leg. All right? And then they want to shut you down completely so they come around your back and they hit you with whatever, the amount of shots.

[B]

Jesus.

[A]

And then they laid me back.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And they positioned me in a way. I was like. It was like I was sitting and somebody launched me out. I was like, in a little chair. It's like being in a roller coaster with no fucking hinges. Like, I was just smoking dope if I was flying through the Valley. And, you know, that's what it felt like for a couple minutes after that. They had me seated that way, where my legs were up so they could get in. They had something under my knees, so it felt like I was sitting down. And then whatever they shot me with was. It was like six minutes of brilliance.

[B]

What does that mean?

[A]

It was like six minutes of being in fucking. A state of euphoria.

[B]

Really?

[A]

You're happy. You know, Somebody put a stick up your ass and wiggled it the right way, even though you don't even like a finger in your ass. Everything that you could feel good about yourself, at least in your mind, that's nice. You're upside down and. But the whole time I'm like, when am I gonna fall asleep? I fought it as much as I could. You know why? Because it feel. I don't want to just tap out.

[B]

Oh. Cause it felt good. Okay. Yeah. Oh, okay.

[A]

Yeah, it felt kind of good. So then I remember just waking up and the guy talking to me and going, joey took four hours. This was what was. You know, I was hoping he'd say it took us an hour. We just had to make some adjustments and shit, right? Well, he went right into me right there. That. I was like, I don't want to hear this shit. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

I want a ginger ale.

[A]

This Is just. Yeah. This is just. I've always hated the thought that I'm crazy. I make mistakes in my life. We all do. And I accept that. Sometimes we judge a situation and. But I don't. You know what I'm saying? Like, I don't enjoy it. Okay. Whatever the fuck I was doing.

[B]

You hate thinking you're crazy.

[A]

Yeah. Like, for years after I got divorced, took me 20 years later to finally hire an investigator just to see if I was crazy or if I was right the whole time. I felt something in the beginning of the divorce that just felt off and I was right. Everything I assumed was correct. You know, I don't like feeling crazy late. Like, I don't.

[B]

No one does. Yeah.

[A]

Of thinking I made a mistake and second guessing. Second guessing for a few days, you know, so.

[B]

No. And it's.

[A]

Because.

[B]

What. How does this relate to the surgery?

[A]

I have no idea.

[B]

Okay. No, I mean, you. You fought doing the surgery for a while, like you didn't want to do it. You wanted to wait. Are you happy you did it?

[A]

I had dates. You know, Listen, I'm not 52 when we met, or even earlier, 49. We met. Yeah. And I could go on the road three weeks in a row and do six theaters in three weeks. You know, I do what I can. I'm like Sheryl Crowe and 80 from 95. I do what I can.

[B]

Like Sheryl Crowe in 95.

[A]

That's a good song. Downstairs, they're playing kids. Bam. Anyway, what are we talking about that you.

[B]

You couldn't do?

[A]

You couldn't.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, so I get it.

[B]

I did one of my favorite jokes years, and I was about the recovery room that you'd wake up and Filipinos everywhere. That was. Well, I. I was giggling about that

[A]

on the way down the first time. I really got, like, a big surgery

[B]

in my life over the fat ball.

[A]

It was a fat ball in my neck and had to break my collarbone and shit. And I was petrified that I went into that surgery being petrified. The funny thing about that was that I was. I'm always very honest with people. And when he. I went in there, like, maybe the end of November, the beginning of December, I think, the schedule, it was like, January 26th. And the guy seemed like a great guy, you know? And I. After the whole thing. Yeah, you're going to talk to my surgical assistant and we'll be fine. And right before he's ready to leave, I go, doc, I talked. He closed the door. He goes, yeah, what's up? I Go, doc, listen. I like to snore. Cocaine. I go, when do I have to stop? And he goes, 30 days before the surgery. We'll probably have a problem with the anesthesia. I'm like, okay. Do you know I didn't stop at all. Even the night before the surgery. I did like a gram just to maintain me. And I walked in, he's like, all good. We stay clean. You got it?

[B]

You know what I'm saying?

[A]

So when I got that surgery, I was fucked up. That's the surgery. When I paid the little black dude 50 bucks to get me out of the building, then another 50 to run me to my car in his little cartoon. My wife couldn't find me. I was out of my fucking mind, guys.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So you. This is what I learned about the surgery before, years ago. And now, now listen, you're coming home. You ain't gonna die. It's just a few fucking needles. They hurt for maybe a moment, you know? And I wanna work after this heals. When we opened up that new door, going out again. Like, I never thought I was gonna do comedy, right? And I figured out a way to do it, that my family could have a piece of me, I could have a piece of me, and I could still perform. And I did it. If I wouldn't have had this surgery, I would have had a cancer somewhere. Like, I thought about it. Maybe I won't have the surgery. I'll just sit out and lift you just being a fucking pussy, you're just prolonging a worse situation. It's just going to go up, bone on. And it wasn't even bone on bone. It was metal on metal, guys. There was no kneecap. He said when he cut the kneecap flew right out. There was no glue on it. You have no idea what I walked around with. And he was like, I know. I believe how painful it was. Yeah, bro. Yeah, bro. Believe how fucking painful it was. Next time when some. A guy like me comes in and tells you I need a little help, give me some fucking help.

[B]

I didn't know you taught. You talked to him about it?

[A]

Everybody's scared about giving you pain medication. Oh, yeah, I get it. There's a lot of lunatics out there. But for me, I just don't want to be in fuck, dog. The first night I came home, I got woken up at four in the morning by a pain that I can't even start to tell you guys. And my wife's like, I'll give you one pain. I go, listen, we're behind the eight ball. I need all three or four Tylenols. Just give. What's it called? For two. Give me three of them. A big glass. And what he said, call for one every four hours. Give me three fucking pain pills. And even then, it was still on fucking fire. And it wasn't until I smoked dope and put the ice on it that it just disappeared. Like I was telling you guys before the podcast, when everybody was trying to legalize marijuana. Oh, it's good for pain. And I get pissed off. I go, these fucking hippies will do anything to smoke weed, you know? And I tell you what I remember years ago, I got my tooth broke December 23rd. You can't have a worse.

[B]

I know you're fucked for the rest of the year.

[A]

Right before Christmas, nobody could see me. And Everybody was like, January 8th, January 6th. Oh, we're going to Aruba, motherfucker. And I had a fucking deal or something. And I get up at night. I get up at night in pain and I'd smoke dough and next thing you know, there I am two minutes later. On MySpace, there are some people on.

[B]

Well, I was gonna. Because you had, like. Before we left la, you've talked about it. You were taking some Xanax. And I don't know if Xanax helps with pain. I don't think it does. But, like, are you worried about taking any of these pills?

[A]

You know what? I'm growing up, man. It's just pain pills to me. They're just pain pills for me to get high on them. How many edibles do I. I just want you to figure this out, okay? How many edibles do I need to get me. I mean, we do them together.

[B]

This isn't, I think at least a thousand for you already.

[A]

I dropped a $500 vampire. 500 milligram vampire.

[B]

Jesus.

[A]

And one of the extra strength ABXs. No, I'm all out of ABX.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

One of the extra strength fucking taffies.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

The one with everything in it, the kitchen sink, pubic hairs, old toilet paper. And that makes me feel great. That really helps the pain, right? So instead of me having to take two oxy at 5 milligrams a piece, that's. That's candy for Joey, right? 5 milligrams of oxygen ain't gonna do nothing for me. And 10. I mean, the other day I ate 20. Remember when I went to the hospital, they gave me 20 milligrams, okay? Oh, yeah, Crown Palace Chinese Restaurant. Jumping up and down flown sidekicks. I didn't know what it was because I forgot taking the pill.

[B]

Right?

[A]

I forgot. So I was in there. But how long was I for? Maybe an hour and a half.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I came home and watched TV or something. Stupid doesn't take me down. It does take the fire off. There's knee pain and there's a little fire you add to it.

[B]

I knock on wood.

[A]

I'll do the knee pain, but forget the fire. I can't handle the fire. And that's. That's. I'm not a marine. I'm not a seal. I didn't ring a bell. I didn't hang out with GI Jane. You know what I'm saying? If I signed up for pain, then I. But I never signed. I don't know how this works.

[B]

I've never had surgery like that. I've had. I've had, like, my wisdom teeth. I've had. I had a birthmark removed, but that's thankfully it so far. Like, what is it? When you say burn, like, is there anything you can, like, compare it to?

[A]

We gotta remember that they put a metal rod into the bones this time. I had to take the old one out and they made it deeper. So that's not even ready yet. Like, that won't start giving me pain till three weeks down the road. One day I'll wake up and go, what the fuck? It's finally healing there. That's the final thing. Once you get through that, and it becomes like anything else. The more pain medication I give it, the more pain I'm gonna have. Right? I have to learn how to. So I'm gonna. I really want it. She doesn't work till Tuesday. My girl April at Rooted, but she told me she would bring me RSO gummies.

[B]

Oh, yeah, that's nice.

[A]

At 10 milligrams, I eat the whole bag. But if she brings me 10 bags, I'll be pretty good. That'll help with the pain. And that's how you get away from that shit you don't wanna be on. The fucking. Pain pills are just like Xanax. It's like three days. Like, you don't want to take them that fourth day. You want to do everything else you can to not take them that fourth day. Okay, and then now you're taking them, not taking them that fourth day. And then one day you go, you know what? I'm not going to take them for two days. Once your mind realizes it ain't that bad.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, but what am I doing now? Brush them and snort them. I don't even know about that world. Remember when I first got the surgery, one of my friends, Corey. Which ones do you have? I have no idea. Because you could crush those and snort those. That'll be great. You put some gasoline on it. What are you talking about? Oh, dude, I'm 58 years old and you're talking about crushing these things.

[B]

When I first moved to la, I worked. I worked nights. And the guys who work days, I'd come in and they have a coffee cup full of wine and that's what they would do. They'd take the mug and I don't know what it was, it could have been pain pills, I don't know. But they were crushing it and snorted. I would. I'm surprised you haven't done that. That seems like something right up your alley. Even before when you were doing coke, would you snort it?

[A]

Oh yeah, okay. Oh yeah, I was snorting coke. Yeah. Somebody showed up with an oxy and you know, she got a low cut shirt on and I could tell she's out for the kill. Yeah. One in Europe, one in France, one in Rome. You know what I'm saying? One in the gutter. And I don't know, I just. At this point it's not. Listen, I'm very happy with the effects of that weed we smoked. That's 68.

[B]

Is it really?

[A]

Yeah, that's like gunpowder. That's like weed treated with Russian gunpowder, you know?

[B]

That's cool that you feel like it. Like it actually medically helps you.

[A]

It actually, bro, the pain has been tonight by six. Who's playing tonight? Anybody good? Oh, no. By the time the games come on tonight or whatever, right. I'll be so sizzled, like THC sizzle, right. That you know, like when you get really high on an edible like you, you feel weird and shit. But I'd rather feel weird from an edible than five or six days on these things.

[B]

Yeah, like, and to be honest, I've never done. Man, I don't want to say never. I don't know what we've taken, but I haven't like gotten really high on pain pills. But I've talked to people and they tell me it makes them feel itchy. Like it doesn't sound good. Like it's like you can't shit and you're itchy.

[A]

I was itchy in the hospital like a motherfucker. That's when I got home. I had to take a shower and I had to put cream on and I had to do a bunch of things because those things do make Me itchy and thank God it's not hot yet. Like the humidity hot. Oh, that's when I'll scratch.

[B]

I'm getting itchy thinking about it. Oh my God. I. That would be my nightmare. How's sleeping been?

[A]

The hospital first night slept 2 hours and 23 minutes. They just refused to let you sleep?

[B]

How tall are you?

[A]

This was surreal. This last time, this was a very weird experience because they had me on anesthesia for four or five hours maybe. And I get out of there and I'm feeling a little. Not tired, groggy.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

You know when you're tired, you just close your eyes. You're in hospital, nobody gives a fuck. The turkey sandwich will be there when you wake up. You're groggy, you know. And all of a sudden they gave me my eight o' clock meds and then they came back. I'm like, oh, Joey, we can't give you no more pain meds tonight because your heart rate's too low. I'm like, what are you talking about? So they gave me no sleep medication and no pain medication the night of the fucking surgery, dawg, at 3:30 I almost called one of you motherfuckers to bust me out.

[B]

I don't blame you.

[A]

And don't worry about coming up. I'll just jump out the fucking window at this point. Because the window and when I land will be a lot easier than what I'm feeling right now.

[B]

Holy shit.

[A]

I could not fucking sleep. Then they finally decided to give me some other shit that's an anti inflammatory and that let me close my eyes. And that's how long I lasted. Two hours.

[B]

And are you. Because you have a recliner down. We're in your basement. But like, are you able to get and go to bed or what are you doing?

[A]

No, I make it up the stairs. It's just 11. It's 12 steps.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

So you go up on the strong leg and you come down on the surgery leg and you learn how to balance yourself.

[B]

I love how you count the steps.

[A]

You have to. For the. When the people come over here. Pt.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Because they're coming over here till Friday. So I have three visits with a little Filipino guy. Pretty cool. He worked me yesterday.

[B]

Nice. He worked it out and it's supposed to like. So like what? I don't even know what happened. Like. So like you have a tendon now again or like, what? What broke?

[A]

They took my old knee out and it's called a knee replacement. They put all this different things.

[B]

You have a Brand new knee.

[A]

Good thing about knee replacements and anything else in the medical field today, a lot of people listen to this show are younger and they have parents that are still alive. And this is what they're going through now. Joey. My dad just did that. Joey. My fucking grandpa, you know, these kids are 30, 20s, like, hit me back up. Oh, my grandfather had. That was the best thing that ever happened, Joey. You know, good for you. Whatever. So your question is they put a new knee. You know, I don't know if they make it out of rubber.

[B]

So it wasn't like the acl mcl thing?

[A]

No, no, no.

[B]

It was just like the actual knee.

[A]

I think they take all that out. All I have is something in there.

[B]

There. Okay. Oh, okay.

[A]

I have something. I don't know. I don't want to say anything and then get it wrong. And people taught you to death. Because I don't know anything medical. I let them do that. You know what I'm saying? I didn't want to go on Google before the surgery.

[B]

No, that's the worst thing you can

[A]

do because it fucking destroys your head. So I talked to a couple people that are way a lot smarter about this, and so they put it on. But what was going on with the old one was there was a gap, guys. From the beginning, there was a gap between the metal settling into the bone. So the metal was in the bone, but it lived about a half inch away from it. And that's not good because you get a bunch of shit to happen.

[B]

Okay. Damn.

[A]

Listen, it was what it was. I'm sure. Listen, it takes two to tango. So it wasn't. And today I read things. You have to. You're not allowed to do ever again. Like, number 11 broke down a lot for me.

[B]

What's that?

[A]

Can't be on your knees. That's side control.

[B]

Oh, damn.

[A]

Okay. Can't be on your knees. That's side control. So there goes that for sure. Can't walk on the beach. Can't. You know, there's a ton. Can't kick the bag with this leg.

[B]

Yeah. But hopefully you won't have to have surgery again.

[A]

No, I don't want to have surgery again. That's why I'm doing this. A little bit more. Paying more. I paid more attention to this this time. Yeah. You know, I'm six years older. Recuperation is a lot slower. I don't make the same minerals and the same big juice that you're doing right now. At 38, it's impossible. Oh.

[B]

But even. Even at My age. Like, I was just. I was with a buddy in New York the other night. We haven't seen him in a couple months. And he just basically pulled the Tom Segura like he was playing basketball for himself. I don't know if you know. Do you know who Stavros is? The comic?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

You see, he fell off a scooter and broke his arm. And now he has to delay his special. Like now, like I, I now I don't think I'm gonna do anything like that again. I don't think I'm gonna get on a scooter. I don't want to. I don't want to jump. I don't want to. I'm trying to maintain. I can't imagine. Like, Eric, do you remember the night. I don't know if you remember this. Eric Rocha opened for you in Bakersfield right before we left. And he called me because on the way to your house, he went over the handlebars of a scooter, scraped everything up, bloodied even. But he was like hobbling to your house because he didn't. We knew you leave without him. Sam Triplett went over the. So it's like all that stuff you're talking about.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I gotta find like easy things that you're not gonna get hurt at until I do kung fu, you know?

[A]

You don't get hurt at sitting on the couch, your fat ass on the couch all day. Yeah. And come and tell me how that works after 40 years. You gotta live your life. Listen, if I go to a American mall. Mall, what's the name?

[B]

American Dream.

[A]

Some terrorists come in there and start shooting. Yeah. Unless you got a crystal ball. Or you guys have a crystal ball. You know, these guys at the jet game. Somebody could start shooting outside during when they're eating cheeseburgers or a Giant game. I don't know that I don't have a magic. What if you're standing online at the Garden? What if that time that we got on that private plane, it goes down? You follow me? Lee, Anything we could do, we could die, right? When you read about how many things you could die at when you sleep, not being hydrated at night, it's like a catch 22. So wait a second. I don't want to get up every hour on the hour to pee, so I would stop drinking water. Like at 6 o', clock, four, you get up to pee, you're fucking pruned. And that's not good for you either. Plus the sleep apnea machine air is Hitting my tongue. So a lot of times you guys will call me and I just go, oh. And you guys are like, are you meeting us in the lobby? Oh, because you can't even bend it until I put a bunch of water on it, right? Then the heat from the coffee loosens it up. It's like dehydrated. It's like defrosting a piece of chopped meat.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

That's what it feels like in the morning. And if I don't put water in the sleep apnea machine, I have a hole in the middle. It's like that Jesus hole in his palm. Jesus hole in the middle of my tongue.

[B]

Oh, my God. Holy. Can you, like, how does it feel? You've talked about not thinking you'd make it to 63. Like, it's pretty. Like, is it? I think about this sometimes. Like, you know who I, who did I just sin bad? He just did stand up and God bless him. But I haven't seen him in a while. And you can see, you know, you can see he's, he's getting older.

[A]

Stroke, bro.

[B]

And it's terrible. But even, but like I'm almost 40 and like I still now I can't even imagine what I'll look like at 63. Like, like, can you, like, how does it, Is it weird? I don't know.

[A]

One of the bits I've been really trying to work hard on and I finally got a little hook into it was, you know, one of my guys used to always say when you get your, when black people get too cute, you know, he would say you get the N word. Wake up call. Okay, we all got a reality wake up call. It's like when you're Puerto Rican or Cuban and I parade myself as Joey and I don't even talk Cuban no more and all that. You know what we talking about?

[B]

Just about your wake up call.

[A]

And you get your wake up call one day when you get arrested and now you got to be Cuban. Those Cubans are going to look at you and go, when you wanted to be Cuban, you didn't want to be Cuban.

[B]

Right?

[A]

When you were supposed to be Cuban. Now that you're going to get in the ass now. You want to come in here, Liberty Libra, tie don't work. It just don't work that way. Yeah, so what was the question?

[B]

Just like when you were, let's say 40, like, is this what you thought it would be like? Because you said we have a lot of young listeners, like, what would you tell your 40 year old self, 20 year old self. I don't know.

[A]

Listen, I lived a life of impurity for 35 years. And I'm not talking about impurities, lives of drug addiction, talking about, you know, there was a lot of reverse stress. What's reverse stress? I grew up without a father. I had a mother who died at an early age. Then to add injury, I quit high school. Then to add more fucking, I didn't make it to college, and then I got arrested for a felony. In my mom's world, it was a waste of time. Was I doing drugs the whole time? Yes and no. So I can't blame it on the drugs. But those 30 years of living that way, it takes its toll. Now, if you're over 50 and you lift weights on a consistency level for three years, you will fix the heart damage you did early on. That's why it's never too late to pick up a weight or a brick or whatever the fuck you want to pick up. Yeah. You got no money to join the gym. You get two bricks. You can do curls. Well, there's a will, there's a way.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know what I'm saying? So I believe in that. That somewhere it turned my heart around. That little girl upstairs that helps in keeping you a little younger. I don't have the stresses that most. 60 year old, I have a complete different set of stress.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay, so all those things in consideration, I had to work at to get up to 60. Like, I had to think about it for years. Like, I looked up what is life after 60. Right. Too much fun. Unless you're Mick Jagger.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Too much fun.

[B]

But there's a difference. Like, did you see that new Charlize Theron movie?

[A]

Who?

[B]

Charlize Theron has a new movie. It's. It's fine. But she looks good. She's like 50. Like, there's, like, there's a difference between, like, you know, you don't look like mid. Like, there's people who I see who are mid-60s who, like, are using one of those walkers all the time.

[A]

Guys, with the knowledge we have now at our fingertips, computers, television, whatever. The podcast. Right, this health podcast. Correct.

[B]

Thousands of them.

[A]

You know, I see these ads, save $30,000 a month on premium medical whatever, and I look at this honestly, and I go, how many people can honestly afford this? Okay. How many people could look at themselves and honestly afford this? They can't. They can't. So how can we make our lives as best as we can without living like Jennifer Lopez?

[B]

Right, that. Yeah, that's fair, okay?

[A]

You know, Jennifer Lopez, she wakes up, somebody's rubbing her feet, somebody's rubbing her fucking eyeballs with the shit they get from Europe for people who lost an eye and a bill, you know, they get this shit, whatever, Maybe a fucking. All alive. It'll all be bullshitting. And there's some Somalians going, we got them for 100 grand for stem cells or whatever. This could all be bullshit. Yeah, but I think by. In your mind, you thinking you're working on and helping yourself. But then there's another part of that spectrum. I'm 63. I eat edibles. I'm not buying them off the streets. I get good sleep. I'm not in arguments. I'm not doing what most people. Like I said to you, I get into an argument with my wife once a month about stupid shit, okay? And it's not like a dm. It's not like a domestic violence argument. It's like, you know, something stupid and we giggle and that's it. That's it.

[B]

Right?

[A]

That's my stress level. I don't do the stress. I don't want to do weekends because I never want to get to the airport with you guys at six in the moonlight. And they tell us they canceled our flight lights. It would blow my heat, you know, all the time I know this going in. So I'm not going to lie to myself. And this is the other thing. You got to know what your limitations are, what you can and can't do. My brother's 63. George. Sometimes we talk. I'm on the phone. I'll go, George, like right now, George, go to sleep. Go to sleep.

[B]

It's crazy that, that, like, you just had surgery on your knee. But the biggest thing you're talking about is stress. You think stress is the biggest thing at any age?

[A]

Stress is a silent killer.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Banks on your heart.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But it's so fucking crazy that you sign yourself up for stress when you become a comedian. You know what I'm saying? It's like, Nick. Nick could have done a thousand things. He wants to arm wrestle Democrats. That's good. That's good. You want to play arm wrestling as Democrats. You know, we're signing up for a life of stress because the first 10 years of comedy this month, you can't pay the rent. You got to climb into the window and the landlords fucking put Scotch tape on your door. There's a thousand things could happen.

[B]

Yeah. But even. Even, like, without comedy, like we were driving down here today. I didn't know, gas was 440. Or imagine we were driving by Newark Airport. Imagine you got to the airport and not that your flight was canceled, your fucking airline shut down overnight.

[A]

Oh, Spirit.

[B]

Yeah, like seven. Imagine getting to the airport and you don't have a. There's no. There's nothing. That's like it never ends. That's the.

[A]

Like, you know why never ends?

[B]

Because we allow it. I don't know.

[A]

Because there's no reprimand that it's accepted. Well, I'm going out of business. In other words, what you're telling me is you weren't good enough, so now you're taking your basketball and going home. We've been playing all day with the basketball, but now since you got dunked on, now all of a sudden your grandmother's got an injury and you got to go home. And that's what Spirit reminds me, that they're fucking done, but at least honor these people, you know, And I was

[B]

reading something, and not that 8 million would have saved them, but like the CEO last. Like the old CEO made like 8 million a year. The new one made 4 million a year. And. And meanwhile, all these people are out of jobs. It's crazy.

[A]

And it's just accepted. The things we've been talk. To accept nowadays is ridiculous. As personal on the Internet. The things we accept now as human beings, we just accept them. You know, listen, if you ever get those calls, you sign up for something for two weeks, a free trial or something, and then you just thought you like it, but you don't like it. And then you try to cancel and it's fucking. You can't cancel it three hours of your day. So you just go, fuck it, I'll just pay the dollar month credit card. Think about it. We work hard for that $1.99 and we just tell somebody for a year I paid massage envy. Did you really? 90 bucks. It was driving me crazy. You understand me? It was driving me crazy.

[B]

Every time we saw the charge come through. Yeah.

[A]

Oh, every month I would go, I hope my wife don't see this. $90 a fucking month. It was driving me insane. And I would go in there and they go, but you have so many credits. Credits. You can't quit now. And I'm like, listen, you don't understand. I ain't got time for this shit. First of all, they were the worst massages in the world. Every massager. Massage envy is creepy as fuck. Like, they got.

[B]

Not in a good way.

[A]

No. They just fell. Cosmetology school. So what am I going to do. I'll become a fucking masseuse? I'm not putting anybody down. I'm just saying that. I don't know. I'm not a massage guy. Let's. Let's talk about that.

[B]

I love massage.

[A]

You have to be able to sit and I like certain people. I like certain massages. Once you tell me you got to get naked. You lost me. I don't think you have to get naked.

[B]

I think you could give your shorts on.

[A]

I don't even want the fucking towel around me with nothing underneath. No, no, no. We don't need all that. If I want to massage my asshole, I'll do it at the privacy of my own home. In fact, I got a steam cleaning and everything. You don't have a steam.

[B]

You a steam cleaner for your.

[A]

Yeah, you gotta keep that area clean.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

And I kept the pink soap from the hospital.

[B]

Oh, that's good. I don't even know what I've never done.

[A]

Everything. And I made my loofah. I made three little loofahs and I got them. I got them hanging for three different days of the week. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday.

[B]

Yeah, you. You with all this free time on your hands is not good. You're gonna do some weird. You're making asshole. You made three asshole loofahs.

[A]

Yeah. I'm getting ready for the surgery.

[B]

How's Grand Theft Auto going?

[A]

Grand Theft Auto is. I played the other night and it's. I'm getting better every time I do it. Am I great? No. I do enjoy it.

[B]

You drive slow as fuck. Why do you. And in real Life, you drive 90. In Grand Theft Auto, you're doing 25 in the right hand lane.

[A]

Because the faster I go, I lose control. And next you know, I'm spitting, I'm falling off clips. I'm in pedestrians.

[B]

That's the point. You're supposed to. You. You can go crazy. I love getting the sniper rifle and just picking people off. Oh, I turn into like a serial killer rifle. Oh, yeah, yeah. Listen, there's cheat codes. You don't know about Cheat codes? You've never played video games before.

[A]

I don't know anything about anything, Lee. You have to assume I'm a retarded child that broke out of the institution on Sunday. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

It does explain you one of those

[A]

retards that just wakes up on a Sunday and goes, I don't belong here.

[B]

Oh, my God, that's fun. Grand Theft Auto. And do you play? Do you play Missions or you just go around killing people because you can go around and just. Hookers and then kill them. Take your money back.

[A]

Listen, I don't do anything. I just drive. I'm learning.

[B]

You're just living in the game.

[A]

You're like, I just know how to stop. Which was big.

[B]

You learn how to stop.

[A]

What were you doing before? Just go. Just ram into cars, try to move around them. It's. Oh, it's not good, guys.

[B]

Oh, my God. It's a me.

[A]

But that's. Listen, you were talking about this. So it's an interesting fucking topic and it very much is. When I moved here, I was heartbroken. I was just heartbroken. I don't know what it was. It was just. It didn't feel right.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

It didn't feel right. I hired a better help. She gave me all these things and then. But the bottom level was I thought that I was coming back to a society. This is my fault. This is my fault. We discussed this on the old podcast in LA a thousand times, how we create these scenarios in our own heads and we're lying to ourselves for some reason. You know, I would come back here to do comedy and I'd go, nick, have you seen George? Nah. We talk every once in a while. We try to see each other, but he's all the way up there in Fair Lawn and I'm in fucking Huntington and it's an hour and a half each other. And I go, dog, I live in California. You can't see fucking George once a week and check in with him and you too. What are you doing? Call this kid. He's your best friend. Growing up. Then I moved here.

[B]

You're like, fuck it.

[A]

Fuck George. I ain't driving an hour. He ain't coming down here. An hour's a lot when you get older. It's a lot when you're in the car and it isn't. My best ride of the week is when I go up north to do this podcast. If you want me to lie to you. If you guys knew I didn't like it, I wouldn't do it anymore. I enjoy it. It gets me out of this area, you know, and you breathe a little bit. I knew I couldn't handle doing stand up full time. I just knew it. That was not going to happen. The capabilities. And I knew I wanted to be a father, right? So somewhere along the line, I had to make this all fit. And you know what? My social life, you know? But who at 60 has a social life unless you, you know, you Got like a young chick that flies around the world with you, help you glue your wig up back onto your head. I mean, you know, I don't know. So they said, get a dog. That's the number one thing people over 60 do.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Get a dog. So you build the bond. Those dogs help you out when things get rough. You can pet them, watch Jeopardy with them.

[B]

You're gonna have. I think you're gonna train it to like bite people.

[A]

What I'm trying to say to leave it. You gotta keep your mind occupied up to 60.

[B]

That's fair.

[A]

You know, writing a bit.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Is not, you know, it's not what it used to be for me. So now it's a challenge. So if I could write a bit that keeps you alive another day. All we're doing right now is trying to stay alive another day.

[B]

Right?

[A]

That's it.

[B]

And you're. Because I've been around people who, like, mentally start to. Not. Not like the depression, but like, they're not all there anymore. Like they used to run. You don't even notice it until it starts to happen. But like, you don't. It doesn't seem like you've, like, you're not. I don't. You don't just stare at things. Like, it's like you seem. Even though, like physically your knee up right now, but like, you don't. You seem the same mentally.

[A]

I am and I'm not. I forget shit, you know, which is. They say, take creatine. Take creatine to helping me a little bit. Okay, so you don't get dementia. But I have a little shake in my left hand and that's the beginnings of one of those. Alzheimer's or something like that.

[B]

Jesus Christ.

[A]

It's like if I was playing the drums, what happened?

[B]

What happened? Not going on Google.

[A]

It would just go. No, I'm just with you guys. Listen, you get up and you pray. It's like being 20. You wake up and you pray for the best of your ability. It's no different than being 25 and going, I'm sick and tired of working in the fucking busboy. I'm busting out as a waiter today. You know, I'm sick and tired of getting fit in this house. I'm gonna go travel with my pension and go get my dick sucked in Hong Kong. Now you're the bad guy because you're going to Hong Kong to get your dick sucked. I don't have a passport. This doesn't pertain to me. Right. But you understand what I'm trying to say to you, you die in your fucking house. Okay. So for me I could do stand up twice a week till I die. I mean, if I go up there and I'm shaking, I'm looking like Bruce Springsteen, like I don't have a long talk with me guys. Pull me a signing of joy. This is what we really think. You look like a fucking Frankie Valli up there. Let it go, Joey. Let it go, Joey. Let it go. We love you. I know you're gonna be mad at me for a month, but it's time for you to stay home, file for unemployment, do what you need to do retirement. What's that?

[B]

Yeah, but even like let's say, let's say it's 70. Let's say you are a shake maybe once, maybe once every six weeks you want to go out and.

[A]

Yeah, but it's like you let me go out there, if I was like all up shaken and I wouldn't remember and people go, we love you, Joey.

[B]

See if you couldn't remember stuff as is a little bit different but like I know how much fun I have and I'm doing free shows. Like if I, if I was headlining sold out theaters and I, you know, I've done it at that point for what, 40 years, I might want to be like, yeah, you know what? Fuck it. I want to go out there and have fun.

[A]

How about this? How about maybe two years I won't sell feeders. And there's the difference between a man and a mouse. Why quit comedy? Because I'm not selling feeders. No, I pick up a house MC job in one of the casinos. Philadelphia, New York's got casinos where I book a gig once a week. You don't like to have me there once a week? Okay, once a week. People like an old guy room for

[B]

four hours and that sounds like fun.

[A]

And that's me being alive.

[B]

Yeah, that's.

[A]

I would like not hard is listen unless I look up or my memory starts to go. If my knee gets strong. You know how hard it is for guys like us to retire. It's not going to happen. Those days of us disappearing and bringing our wives and getting up in the morning. All of us in this room would fucking hate that life. That life lasts great. How about this? How about I semi retire, I come home, mom the kids are gone, we go by the pool, the 55 and older, we drink some margaritas and I put it in your ass, you know, everybody's happy. Oh, everybody's fucking happy, right?

[B]

I don't Know if she's happy.

[A]

No, she's not. But you know what I'm saying. I don't think any of us are in the. None of us. Anybody who listens to this podcast, you should never even think about your retiring. You're going to semi retire. The worst, the worst case scenario. Okay, Joey, but I need to retire. Retirement. But within one month, you're going to be volunteering with the dogs or the cats, picking up cat shit or dog shit and telling people why they should take this fucking dog or this cat. You need to do something. If you don't use it, you lose it.

[B]

Oh, I've seen it.

[A]

And that's the worst thing in the world. So you have to keep your mind. You know, you go to all these places around here, whether I go to Kohl's or. Forget about Costco, Costco guy dies there every fucking day. They're so old in Costco. Costco gives them jobs and gives them insurance and gives them hours and you know, you ever go into Costco, the people who check your stickers? Yeah, they just, they had to be nice. Costco's a nice guy. The dealership where I bring my car, they got 65 year olds that work the morning.

[B]

McDonald's used to have it. Dude, mine did when I was a kid. Had like an old 60, 50, I don't know how I was like 10, maybe it was 45. He seemed old, but he would just, you know, they walk around, they give out stickers, they say, hi, it's nice. And as long as. As long as, like, you're not, like, I wouldn't want to have to have a teleprompter with your bits on it. But like, as long as you're mentally there, I think it's like, yeah, I'm sure the audience would have a great time, but honestly, fog them. It's all about you.

[A]

The audience isn't having a good time. You're selling tickets on a different foging bill.

[B]

No. Yeah.

[A]

If you're doing that, people are going to see you. Because he might die any day.

[B]

Oh, Jesus.

[A]

You know, saying, this motherfucker might die any. And we want to see him before he dies right now. Why are people paying $2,000 for Paul McCarthy? The Beatles have been done for fucking 22,000 years. Why do you pay all this money for Paul McCarthy right now? Because you might not see him again. Yeah, so I don't want people coming to see me to go, ooh, we love you, Joey. Even though I'm bombing on stage talking about Jokes that I wrote in 19 fucking 88. You know, nobody wants to see that.

[B]

I get that.

[A]

And I don't want to go out that way. I don't want to go out that way. There's a fucking singer, Hector Laveau, Puerto Rican guy. One of the baddest motherfucking singers in any genre. You know, he was just a problem fucking dude. He just had problems, guys. He had aids, his son shot himself. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It was endless. But he had a good heart. He just couldn't get off the heroin. And he went to Puerto Rico and he fucking got so paranoid in the hotel room. Everybody's account is different. I've lived it. When you just go to a hotel lounge and you see your ex wife with another guy and you got all the cocaine in the world, when you get in those rooms, you get all paranoid and shit. You got so fucking paranoid, just jumped out the window.

[B]

Oh, Jesus.

[A]

Anyway, thank God he hit an air conditioner because that stopped his momentum and he ended up living. And these fucking people in the Bronx and in Brooklyn were doing these shows, they just bring them on. And if I could get those people today, I'd fucking choke them. The guy, they'd probably give him the small thousand cash. The fake manager he'd have would probably rob him of that. Yeah, because you always get some guy to fucking rob you at that level, and then he would just. He wouldn't even know where he was. It wasn't as bad as Frankie Valli, but the song. The tempo of the song

[B]

was gone.

[A]

Went. The tempo of the song was 40% left. So let me give you an example. One of his songs, right? Okay. Instead of saying he was like. And they would have to slow down for him. He was half a retard. He banged his head on a condition.

[B]

I mean. And I know you don't care about comic books, but there was a whole thing that, like, they were taking Stan Lee. I don't know if you remember him from Marvel. Like. Like there was someone pimping him out at the end.

[A]

Like, yeah, George, my brother George broke that info. Really broke that.

[B]

So sad. Yeah, so. And you. And you have good people around you. Thanks. Like, all your agents and stuff are cool. And you're. I don't think your wife would let you know with anyone. Do weird.

[A]

You guys are my biggest opponents. Whatever. You guys see something that's a little off to you, you pull me aside and say, listen, Joey, we don't think you should do this no more. Look at your hair. It looks like a straw hat. You're done. Either put on a hat or stop it. But I'm not going to be one of those guys. I'm not going for Vanity. I'm not going to be fucking. Look at Casey in the Sunshine Band. Look at where he started and look at where he ended with a wig on stage. You can't even do the moves to the song, you know? Like what? Oh, he looks fucking terrible. I don't want to do that, guys. That means you owe tax money.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[A]

Okay. And owing tax money is. That's a silent killer right there. Because now you got stress in your 60s and 70s like Red Fox had. And you know how most of those guys get in trouble, Those fucking Comic Cons. Because it's all cash. That's why I avoid anything like that. That you take 20 bucks in cash or something, that shit'll come to haunt you 20 years later.

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

You buy a retirement home and also, hey, remember those T shirts you had with you and Hitler and Cuban people? You're like, yeah, whatever happened to those? Oh, you sold 10,000 and you never claimed one of those things, so that sucks. And now you got to dig.

[B]

You know, it would suck to have to do something.

[A]

Yeah. You know, so I. And I also support. Listen, we talk a lot of shit in this country and we have all these people. You know what, man? I support like a woman wanting to have rights and work.

[B]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[A]

You know what I mean? Like years ago, when the whole movement started when I was a kid, I support fucking older people. If they want to work and they could carry the load, go do it. Listen, I don't expect. Listen, you're not going to hire me for a warehouse job.

[B]

No.

[A]

You're not going to hire me to load pallets or like that. But there's work available if you just don't want to sit there and collect the two grand from Social Security.

[B]

Especially, like Uber Eats and stuff.

[A]

Yeah. You're not going to make a fucking killing on Social Security. You're going to have to downsize your life. That's why you end up living in your daughter's basement with a fucking retarded husband and the kids. You know, That's a complete different set of rules.

[B]

Yeah, that's. And that's getting back to stress.

[A]

Like all.

[B]

Like, having to do something would be stressful.

[A]

A dear, dear friend of mine in Congress said, listen, I never, ever thought about being over 40. My dad died when he was 37. Tragically. And I thought he left me to curse. And I was adding to the curse because I was doing coke. I was testing the curse, right? And then I ended up meeting Terry. And, you know, the years just flew. And all of a sudden I was 42. All of a sudden I got married at like 44 or something like that. 45. And even then, who gets married at 45? Only an idiot does that. I did. Who knocks up their wife at 50? Only a fucking moron Puerto Rican would do that. I did. Am I sad about it? No. So I had to readjust a lot of things. And, you know, you're 50 with a fucking kid in a stroller. Yeah. 50 year olds are at a fucking. At a strip club, go to happy hour to get their little dick sucked before they go home to eat money with their wives who weighs 800 pounds. So it's been unfortunate. I also know that you have to work on it and you have to put a little effort into yourself. You know, I sit here at night, watch the Lakers the other night, whatever. But the whole time I'm looking at LeBron James, 41 years old, all right? He's a whiner, he's a pussy, he's this, he's that. He could have won this year. He could have done what a shoulda coulda. Look at the time and effort he puts into his body. Yeah, but Joey, he shoots trt. He just doesn't shoot trt. He does everything that comes with it. He does drills, he hires trainers. He hires a trainer for the fucking trainer. He's one of those guys. My footwork isn't right. Hire me a trainer. But they want 8,000 an hour, get 10 hours. He's one of those dudes, he invests in himself. Yeah, and that's. It's not dog. I'm not eating breakfast. Fucking, you know, with a fucking mimosa. I'm upstairs with blueberries like a fucking idiot. They taste like ass half the time. They do raspberry. I don't know where they come from. And I put yogurt and little almond granola. Now is this the breakfast? I'm a fucking three egg, sunny side up. And then on the way out of the house, stop at McDonald's and get an egg McMuffin. Type of. Oh, yeah, you know, here I am like a half a fag, eating granola and yogurt. Coconut cult. You gotta ask yourself, who am I? Who. Who is Joey Diaz anymore? But I had a change,

[B]

man.

[A]

It's worthwhile. You cannot continue, like, even if I Eat eggs. I won't eat bacon, okay? I stopped eating bacon years ago. If I go to a fancy place, you motherfuckers. Then you eat the bacon when you eat the breakfast at home. I just don't eat bacon. Is it going to change any? Like the other day there was a list of things that you eat and your life gets changed. If you eat a hot dog, you lose six minutes. I'll need those six minutes. I want be 91. I can't eat a hot dog.

[B]

I was thinking about that earlier because, you know, sometimes when people are super healthy, they, oh, you should eat granola. But you know what? Maybe, maybe just not having three strips of bacon you have one is a little bit of like, okay, at least I'm trying. And like, you know, it's, it's hard when you're, you know, you're not even older, but just to change it.

[A]

I've never seen a coconut co. A coconut cult yogurt. No, it's this big.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Charge you 9.99. You, you're supposed to eat two a day. It's a probiotic, okay? A live probiotic. It's good for your stomach. Especially when I'm doing the drugs and the whole thing. Right? Okay. I usually just take two teaspoons. That's what it's called for.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

It lasts you five days.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Not me. Greg, Greg, come here. She does, she don't like this hangout. I usually get half a jar and put a little bit of granola and she has blueberries and raspberries and blackberries. I'll just take the blueberries and the raspberries and eat that just a little bit to have a little something in my stomach. It's like seven grams of protein. That's horrible. That's horrible. For me in the morning. I'm over 60. I should be getting 30 right off the bat in the morning. Just to get your mood going. That's a little shit, right? That's it. I can't drink Coca Cola no more for breakfast. No. You know, even though I do miss them from time to time, a nice butter roll, egg and cheese and ham and a Coca Cola 16 ounce. With a bag of wives for breakfast. Stop it. That's a Hudson county breakfast.

[B]

When I knew I was coming down here this morning, I was like, oh, I'd love to go to McDonald's breakfast. But I, I, I didn't. I would have loved to.

[A]

What would you have gotten?

[B]

2 egg. Egg and muffins. 3 hash browns so I could put a hash Brown in each sandwich and then have an outside one. That's when I was £300. Yeah.

[A]

What is it?

[B]

Two Egg McMuffins, three hash browns, one hash brown in each sandwich and then one on the side. Oh, I love it. Oh, I love it.

[A]

Kill bathrooms too, you Jews. I love it.

[B]

Yeah, we do.

[A]

It's just really crazy. And how I looked at this surgery was a lot. Maybe it's you guys. You inspired me to just look at this different look. This. I didn't look at the surgery as an ending. I looked at this surgery as a new beginning in a way, you know?

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Do different things. And listen, I don't have to work every fucking month or every weekend. I just got to do one big gig a month. That makes me work towards something. Every month I work towards something.

[B]

Right.

[A]

So that's always fantastic. Instead of doing a special with a title, I do a show in my mind. I don't tell the audience. I do a show with a certain title in my mind. Right. I cover those jokes.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

By the time I get to another town the following month, it's not going to be that theme. Some of the jokes will be the same, but the narrative will be a lot different. That's what I'm going for. That's it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Nice and fucking easy. I'm not going for no specials. I don't be on Hulu or Moolu. I don't want to know nothing.

[B]

Oh, but you also don't have to deal. I was laughing so hard last night because someone pulled one of the moves you told me about, but I haven't experienced it yet. I was at a club and this poor host, this comic, went up to them and they. And they were like, where am I? And they're like, you're going six or seventh. Like, no, no, no, no. I have to go fourth. I'm very tired. I'm old. I have to go home. I went a blast on this show. Like half an hour past that, that person was still there just talking. I was like, you mother. Meanwhile, they asked me, do you mind going last on the 10 o' clock show? I went up at midnight. I was there since 8:30. I was like, I'll go wherever. And that person, I have to go third. And meanwhile, they stunk.

[A]

You booked a room. And half the time when you look at them, they're gonna go, you're a dick. Good.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I came here to get down. Yeah, fuck you and you making me close the room. I'm flattered.

[B]

I don't Mind that.

[A]

No, I'm flattered. You say, joey, come and close the room. I'm fucking flattered. But at the same time it's like you're gonna fucking come up to me and say you have to leave just because you don't want to follow. Or is it because you wanted to talk to girls and be cool?

[B]

It was. It was an older. Wasn't even a guy, but it was. I don't know. It was. And I heard. I heard they went in and said retarded about four times. And it was a hot room. There was a sold out room. And it was. They wanted the prime, like you know, third or fourth spot. They wanted the kill spot them that. And it didn't.

[A]

And then I learned that you gotta earn this.

[B]

And I. I had a great. I had a fun night last I told. I told a couple because I saw the coolest thing these two parents took to at a 10 o' clock show. Had the like 12 and 10 year old son in the showroom and they were basically in the bar. The dad had his hand like in the mom's skirt. It was. And I. I told the kids that I went up and I opened with it and it fucking killed because it was like your parents are out there like. And they have comics as your babysitters. And it was. It was. Last night was a fun New York night. And you know. Do you know who Peyton Ruddy is? He's a Kill Tony guy. He's a great dude, 25. He's in from Chicago this week. There's been a. It's been a fun. It's been fun being in New York. I'm having a good time. It's been fun.

[A]

You're learning things and.

[B]

But I can't wait. I can't wait for Atlantic City. That's gonna be fun. I can't. Are you excited to. To go back out there and get.

[A]

This is my whole recovery. Yeah. Is the road to Atlantic City.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And everything that comes. In fact, we gotta shoot little things before you leave.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah. It's. This is all part of it. That's what dangles. That's the dangle.

[B]

Atlantic City.

[A]

Yeah, why not?

[B]

That's.

[A]

Give me plenty of time to do some spots and tune up. We'll go to Brooklyn, go back to Levity Live, go to Austin. You know, it's little by fucking little guys. And I understand that. I do not have a gun to. The only gun I have to my head is being ready for June, for her baseball season.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Every weekend. And that's going to be a fucking nightmare because those fields are usually. Got a hike.

[B]

Oh, you gotta get a scooter.

[A]

Yeah, so I gotta get like a scooter or something like that. And also the next thing I'll be down like star.

[B]

Oh, oh, no. This is your, this is your, your rickshaw time.

[A]

My rickshaw time. But the funny thing is, Lee, I mean, listen, I was walking into the store, I was rocking and rolling, nobody was there. And I hit the turn next, you know, my leg went out from under me and I could hear my hamstrings tear. I still have the pictures on my phone of how it was worse than this. The bruise was up and down my fucking spine. I didn't look for that. It happened. I don't think I had to cancel anything. I had the following two weeks or something. So I had two weeks to recover. You know, things are going to happen when you do comedy, when you're a plumber, when you're a framer, when you're. Things are going to happen. And that's where you earn your money. Yeah, okay. Everybody knows how to be a fucking roofer. Like I worked with a lot of roofers 30 years ago, but my brother in laws, when it came down like a problem, like we'd be on our roof and somebody would call them and go, bro, we can't finish this. Can they go over there and fucking figure it out within three hours? So there's a lot of comics, but can they maneuver? Can they call an audible? And that's what you have to do with this? And listen, I wouldn't be having this conversation with you if I was 40 because I'd be fucking coked up and trying to rush this because I got that weak. It's just 600, you know, and you're rushing for no reason. You're going against your health. Now I'm to the age where so everything changes. If this was 20 years ago, we'd be having a different conversation. I'm just honest about it. I'm not going to tell you that this is the way I thought when I was 43.

[B]

Right, of course.

[A]

Because I don't want the people at home listening. Go. I don't think that way. You shouldn't. You're a gangster, you're a hustler. You got no time to fucking bleed. That's your mentality. You got no time to bleed. I don't know what you're talking about. Right, so.

[B]

But this is how you think of 63.

[A]

Yeah, this is how I'm Thinking now is with a family, you also make decisions based on what's around you. Who else gets shot in the ass if you take off time? Who doesn't? Who's not able to go to fucking ballet classes. You know, These are all the things that are becoming a fucking man right here, Nick. This is the scene right here.

[B]

Man on fire Zone in the background.

[A]

Oh, yeah, the fucking. It was on, but Nick never saw this. So I gotta.

[B]

I wish you make more.

[A]

I wish you had more fucking time, but I'm. Listen, as far as I'm concerned, I don't even feel like I had surgery three days ago. I have pain in my legs a little bit and shit like that, but everything else is pretty much gone.

[B]

You look better than you did when you were in the hospital for breathing.

[A]

No, no, no, no. I started taking the BPC157, 24 hours today I shot both of them the TB500. I'm at 72 hours. So if you take that stuff, it helps your recovery time by 40%. Okay. So we're going to bank on that. We're going to bank on sleep good diet and whatever the PT puts me through. I'm not going to go ahead of what they put me through. No, you're not good.

[B]

Listen to the experts.

[A]

No, I have public. I have pt, Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Fridays, nice. And then when I don't go to the home guy, I guess I'll go down there twice a week. And whatever I could do on my own, I can't box, which I miss it right now. Right now, today, for the next month. There's no way I could take a boxing sport, Boxing class at all.

[B]

Get blood in it, get it moving.

[A]

Yeah. It's not. It's not a matter of me getting hit in the head. I'm trying to be. No. Again. I'm 63. I know who the I am. And this is how we do it. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

I love it, dude.

[A]

But yeah, I was a little concerned about getting that Vegas date. I was like, maybe this Vegas date, but this Vegas date, if I go for the Vegas date, it'll fuck me up. Okay. If I get a call in a month about the Vegas date, I'll feel a lot better and I could really see what direction I'm going.

[B]

Right?

[A]

You don't want it again.

[B]

Commit to anything right now.

[A]

I go to physical therapy on Wednesday. Also, when I wake up Thursday and the leg is swollen and it's bloody from the knee down, not that it opened up but something broken there. My third knee surgery. I went to lift with the girl from the ymca. The next day I woke up from the fucking knee down. You thought I got tattooed? What do they call that when you blacken out the whole life?

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

It looked like a sleeve.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Take it easy.

[A]

I'll take it easy, man. This is what this is about. This is. It's not brain surgery. No, but that's how I it up last time I got on stage, okay. For my love of comedy, I was like, I gotta go down. And subconsciously I stepped with this leg.

[B]

Ah.

[A]

And that destroyed the knee replacement, you know?

[B]

God damn it, I'm glad. You know, I'm glad you're good. I just. I can't imagine. Yeah.

[A]

You know how we do it, Lee. We're always good here. It all starts in the coconut. But nothing's happened in the last week. Nothing. Just the same bullshit in the news, right, bro, it cost me $85 to fill my tank. Now the small 85, that's a lot of money. My friend's up to like 165.

[B]

What did he drive, a tank?

[A]

He drives a V8 truck.

[B]

Oh, my God. That.

[A]

That shit's real, man. So we got that all summer long. That means you only go to seaside four times instead of eight. You know what I'm saying? You short people.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And that's it, man. We wake up every day rocking and rolling. You're doing stand up and then I'm.

[B]

I'm going to Japan for two weeks, 10 days.

[A]

Look at you, very excited. What kind of plans do you have?

[B]

I'm going a few places. I'm doing stand up until in Tokyo. Really excited. Frank Castillo. Hook me up with a club.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

But we're doing everything. We're doing Kyoto for a day, which is like the old school Japan. We're doing something that you'd hate. We're doing Universal Japan. Going to like the Universal. The Nintendo World, Me going to Universal. Universal, like the Universal in Hollywood. But the. Then we're going to Tokyo for four days and then we're doing. And we're going to a sumo. They have. Every four times a year they have a sumo tournament. Like a. Like a legit. Like. Like the big. Like it's like the big deal. So we're going to that for a day. We're going to sumo wrestling tournament. And then. Yeah, this is gonna be fun.

[A]

As they're gonna throw you in the sumo.

[B]

Oh, I love it. What if I was meant to be a sumo wrestler? No, and then we're doing Okanawa for four days and we're coming back, which is going to be a lot of fun. And I'm. Dude, I'm gonna eat nothing but shrimp and tuna for non stop.

[A]

Hold on. I got to cut this short. I got to go pee real quick.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

I'll be right back. Hey, what's going on? Listen up here. UFC 328 is here. You can make every fight more fun with DraftKings Sportsbook. From the opening bell to the final horn, DraftKings Sportsbook keeps you locked in on the action. New DraftKings customer. Listen to me. Bet just $5. $5 and you'll get 100 in bonus bets instantly. Right now, what you need to do is download the DraftKingsportsbook app. Use code Joey J, O, E Y so you're ready for the moment. That's Code Joey for a new DraftKings customers to turn 5 bucks into 100 in bonus bets just like that, instantly. In partnership with DraftKings. Whereas you know already, the crown is yours. Get it together. Download the DraftKings app. Use code JOEY.

[B]

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[A]

Hey, Uncle Joey here. Listen, when you want to unwind, you got to do it in the Cloud. In the Cloud has everything. Gummies, vapes, pre rolls, edibles, zero calorie THC sodas. Everything in the Cloud is fully legal online. Cannabis dispensary for you. I love in the Cloud. They got these 500 milligram edibles that'll make your head spin. You understand me? El Vombito, AKA the Vampire. All in the Cloud products. A federally legal THC. Everything sold is DEA certified and lab tested. Now, if you're over 21 and older, go to in the Cloud co. Again, that's in the cloud dot co. That's dot co, not dot com. For new customers, use code church for 40% off. What? Did I hear that? 40% off your order. That's in the cloud. Code church for 40% off. Shipped discreetly to your door. So nobody knows Nothing. Plus, the shipping is free on orders over $50 and free gifts on qualifying orders. And they will hook you up. And don't forget to fill out the quick survey when you order to support the show, their products, the whole thing in the cloud, when you want to go see the clouds. You know what I'm saying? All right, so we were talking about sumos. I was. I had to take a pee. And sometimes you can't focus when you. When the flush is about to come out.

[B]

I don't blame you.

[A]

Can you imagine if they went out there and they, like a sumo got Covid. And they looked at you and they go, who the. And you had to go in there and wrestle a guy, and all of a sudden you threw him out of the ring. And they're like, you come stay with us. And all this. You got to call me and quit. You got to quit being a comedian.

[B]

I think I might. I do.

[A]

I.

[B]

Because I went. They tricked me. They had a thing on. I don't know if anyone saw this on social media, but they had something called sumo and sushi, and they traveled around the country and they thing. They said, like, oh, all the best sumo. People from Japan were gonna come. And I went. I didn't pay for the sushi because it looked weird, but I. We got seats, and it was like. It was like if they told you they were gonna play a baseball game and they just played catch, and like, it was just. They just. But it, it was all retired sumo people. And then we were like, oh, so. And then we went and watch it. They're intense because there's. There's no weight classes. Like, you could face the undertaker. Like, it's like the. And it's just. I think I'd be good at it. Like, I think, could I have a low center of gravity? Like, I sucked at wrestling, but you couldn't pin me. So, like, I think maybe, like, I, I. I think it might have been my calling. I'm ready. And it's. Japan's been number one on my list for a long time. Like, I haven't been. I was. Dude, we haven't taken. I've done, like, little small trips. I went to Mexico for, like, five days. That was terrible. And I went to Florida once for, like, five days, but I haven't taken. I've never done anything like this, so I'm really excited. It's going to be awesome. Going to eat shrimp. I'm going to go. We're going to do a lot of stuff. Like, what. What do you Want as a souvenir? You want like a, A sumo wrestling outfit?

[A]

I just want you to make it back.

[B]

I'll make it back. I'm going to Okanawa where the Air Force is and like they live to like 200 years old. That's going to be fun.

[A]

That's where I would go just to see what. Cuz everybody's old there.

[B]

Yeah, it's like the Hawaii I found out. I didn't realize it's like. So we're just, we, we're just going to sit on the beach and do nothing.

[A]

So very careful there. So be careful because. Oh, that's why I want it to be like Hawaii. It's. You have to be recommended to mo move on the island. Oh yeah, it's a up place. They don't around. I know seafood is supposedly sensational. There was a thing on it years ago which really caught my eye around. Well the people lived there to be 104. Yeah, that was one thing but the other thing was that they had a. I think we talked on the last podcast. They had a bodybuilding league. Yeah, yeah, I remember you talking who bodybuilds Lady 5 these and listen, they look like Arnold Schwarzwega. No, but they look good. You know you see the chicken skin and stuff. But just the fact that they're doing it and the motto they said was it really makes you think that you can either go to the doctor every day, you go to the gym. They're like holy, that makes a lot of sense.

[B]

And they're all healthy and like they're so respectful. There's a lot of rules I've learned about like what you can't do. Like, you know, I mean in New York in the train if you, you have to be aggressive. So like I, I stand, I don't stand right in front of the door. But like you have to be ready to go. Cuz sometimes you won't get into the train if you don't. But in, in like Japan you have to like line up like. And they take it very seriously. There's some restaurants that they don't allow non Japanese people in which I, I love. I'm so excited.

[A]

So you walk past the restaurant?

[B]

Yeah, I'll walk past.

[A]

Now go the Jews.

[B]

Oh my God. I, I'll have to. I. The other day there was a. Someone has a sign up in there. I thought, I thought it was you. Someone has like a nice townhouse in New York and they had a big sign that says I'm proud to be a Jew in like, in, like, in, like neon lights. I was like, oh. And it was.

[A]

So.

[B]

Yeah, I'm going to. I don't know what they're going to think about Jews there, but we'll see.

[A]

They might not think anything.

[B]

Oh, no. I'm sure they're going to be nice.

[A]

They don't. Not even thinking on that wavelength.

[B]

No.

[A]

Maybe they're thinking. I don't know. I've never heard of. You know, they don't hate you guys at sushi places. Every time you go to a sushi place, there's 10 Jews in there fucking spending big money on that fish. So I don't know what they're talking about, but I'm excited. Listen, anytime you leave the country ten days, it's not. It should. They shouldn't call it a vacation. It's what you're going to learn, what you're going to make it back with. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Because you might get mugged over there. So I can see that happening.

[B]

Yakuza takes me down.

[A]

Oh, yeah. They might get the message.

[B]

You probably have someone in the Yakuza.

[A]

No, no, no, no.

[B]

I'm really, I'm. I'm really. I'm excited to stand up there. I'm excited to. To just see what it's like. Like, I mean, thank God, now with the iPhone, like, I can talk into it and it'll translate for me. Like, but I, like, I. The only other place I've been is Israel. I've been Israel, Mexico, Canada. I've been around this country a bunch, but I'm excited to, like, just. Dude, they have so much food. Like, the 7 11s are supposed to be like the egg salad. You want me to bring you back an egg salad sandwich?

[A]

Not really.

[B]

They have so much.

[A]

If you go to Israel, you bring me back an egg salad sandwich. Last night, checked. They can't make no.

[B]

Oh, no. Supposedly supposed to be amazing.

[A]

They can make a nice spicy tuna and avocado on a rice crisp.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

I'm excited.

[B]

I'm excited.

[A]

Oh, shit. Well, I'm happy you're going.

[B]

Thanks, dude.

[A]

I'm happy you're doing comedy. You know, I didn't think I would even be able from the pain to do this podcast today. I'm very grateful that it could have been a lot worse.

[B]

I'm glad you're okay.

[A]

I made them pretty much. They were very nice at this hospital, but everything was broken.

[B]

I've never heard of a room not being sanitized.

[A]

The chair. Well, this is a Different hospital.

[B]

They moved to a.

[A]

Okay, this is a clean hospital. Beautiful. The fucking chair where you sit down, it doesn't stay back. Then they did a fucking EKG because they couldn't give me pain medication. First ekg. I don't know what happened. I saw a lady leave shaking her head.

[B]

That can't be right.

[A]

She came back and did something and she did it again. She goes, who? The problem is this machine doesn't work. Let me go get another one from the floor. She comes back three minutes later, plugs me up again. That machine don't fucking work. I'm like, what is this, Candid Camera? And also she goes, I gotta go upstairs. An hour later, she shows up with the fucking art thing. And they finally do it. It's 3:30 in the morning, guys. Oh, no. I can't fall asleep without my medication, which I did. I ended up sleeping 2 hours and 24 minutes. I put it on my whoop. You know, I put the whoop on when I was sleeping. This is it. Nick, when he tells the. I just set up the meeting with God.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

The rest is up to them. And. And. And then he takes the dude from where he shoots and he puts a bomb in his ass and he talks to him for like 15 minutes about life.

[B]

And, oh, I think that. Oh, I think that happened. Yeah. But. Oh, yeah, this is Denzel looked good.

[A]

Then what were we saying?

[B]

Like, whatever, just about the hospital not working.

[A]

Yeah, everything was broken, bro. It was a nightmare. Then I got up at 6. They brought me no. And I gotta tell you, the one that broke everybody. So they come back 7. Let's take your vitals. Okay, how do you feel them? Pain, you know. Okay, let's see if we could get you something. Did you order breakfast yet? I go, no, they go, order breakfast. Breakfast wasn't bad. Scrambled eggs, I didn't see the yolk. But beggars can't be choosy. The oatmeal was really good. Thank God I ordered oatmeal. And I ordered a fruit thing. Look at the grenadies. Look in the church, they say to forgive right here. He cracks them. Oh, they won't translate what he says.

[B]

I'm just here to set up the meeting.

[A]

Yeah, I'm just here to set up the meeting. And so they come in, they decide they could give me one fucking five milligram oxy, which doesn't do dick for you. And then here's the clinker. My wife shows up about 11. They're like, you pretty much could Leave. Nobody really talked to me. One doctor came, one of the surgeons, and the one nurse goes, why don't you order food for Terry and wait, because you don't got to be discharged so bad. So I'm like, terry, you want to eat here? So Terry ordered, like the spaghetti Margazano tomato paste, and I went simple with chicken salad with chicken noodle soup. Boom. Thirty minutes later, they show up with Terry's lunch, but they didn't bring my lunch.

[B]

So who's important?

[A]

And I called and they're like, not our problem. You know, not our problem. I'm like, really? Okay. So I just said, listen, let me go because I'm not getting nothing done here. My anxiety's running high. You're not going to give me pain medication. So what am I doing? I came home, took a shower. Yeah.

[B]

You got home early. You're like, I'll be home by 4. You're home at like 1:32 o'. Clock. You called me.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. So, hey, listen, we each got to make moves of progress. I don't know what we're doing about the podcast next week.

[B]

I'm going to bring the mic. If you want to do it, Lee

[A]

will be in Japan.

[B]

I'll do it from Tokyo.

[A]

All right, maybe we'll do it. Hit me up. We'll do it live from Tokyo. Wait till they hear the lines. They're going to knock on the door and then you're going to find out how they really feel about Jews and then that's it. But I'm excited for you to go.

[B]

Thanks, buddy.

[A]

You know, give me another week to heal, and hopefully by that time I can make it up and down the stairs. You know, I'm already going up and downstairs. I slept upstairs both nights, so. Yeah. But all I got on the books right now is we're going. It's what. What do people say in the 70s? Grateful. That or bust.

[B]

Yeah. Atlantic City or bust.

[A]

Yeah. Now it's fucking Atlantic City or bust. Ocean.

[B]

You got two nights now.

[A]

Two nights. They had a second night, so I love it. We love it. But I wish you luck.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Dude, don't get mugged over there. Cuz you do. You do for a mug and a slap. It's all going to work out, buddy. I'm happy you're going to Japan. Love you.

[B]

Love you, buddy.

[A]

Stay black. It.