This could only happen to me

Summary

Podcast Summary: "This Could Only Happen to Me"

The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament
Hosts: Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt
Episode: This Could Only Happen to Me
Release Date: February 4, 2025

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Introduction

In this episode titled "This Could Only Happen to Me," comedians Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt delve into a wide array of personal anecdotes, ranging from past drug experiences to frustrations with modern societal norms. Their candid and often blunt discussions provide listeners with a raw and unfiltered glimpse into their lives, sprinkled with humor and poignant observations.

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Drug Use and Personal Experiences

Joey Diaz opens up about his long history with substance use, detailing his experiences with various drugs during his youth and adulthood.

• Mescaline and Early Drug Dealing: Diaz reminisces about his teenage years, recounting how he and his friends engaged in mescaline use and even established a small-scale distribution network.

  "I was building my tolerance with that shit. When I met George, we were going fucking off."
  — Joey Diaz, [74:07]

• Quaaludes and Party Nights: He discusses the recreational use of Quaaludes, highlighting the carefree yet reckless nature of his past.

  "You took one of those and you drink two Alabama Slammers. Bam, Bam. You know what I'm saying? The love drug."
  — Joey Diaz, [80:23]

• Cocaine and Escalation: Diaz touches on the escalation of drug use, mentioning his 27-year stint with cocaine and the challenges of managing addiction.

  "I did coke for 27 years. That shit never gets saved."
  — Joey Diaz, [05:37]

Frustrations with the Medical System

A significant portion of the conversation revolves around Diaz's exasperation with the healthcare system, emphasizing the difficulties in accessing timely medical care and prescriptions.

• Hospital Experience: Diaz shares his tumultuous five-day hospital stay, expressing frustration over the medical staff's inability to address his needs promptly.

  "I called back this morning. And this is after calling. Look, supposedly I was dying my lungs. Then I go to the aftercare, and they're like, we don't even know what you're talking about."
  — Joey Diaz, [38:23]

• Delayed Appointments: He criticizes the prolonged wait times for doctor's appointments, highlighting the inefficiency and lack of responsiveness in medical practices.

  "I called on Wednesday afternoon. Can I come in to see you? ... How about fucking Wednesday at 10? 10 in the morning? Don't fucking lie to me."
  — Joey Diaz, [42:05]

Thoughts on Modern Events and Media

Diaz and Syatt discuss recent events, particularly focusing on the Grammy Awards, expressing disdain for the spectacle and the behavior of celebrities.

• Grammy Reactions: Diaz vents his frustration over the performances and antics at the Grammys, criticizing acts he finds attention-seeking and devoid of genuine talent.

  "It's just fucking not good. ... They try to be different. This fucking thing. And that's a wig with some idiot cut it for them."
  — Joey Diaz, [14:57]

• Celebrity Behavior: The hosts debate the authenticity and motivations behind celebrity actions, questioning the sincerity of public performances and social media portrayals.

  "They went over to propose to her. ... It was Joe and please just go."
  — Joey Diaz, [68:12]

Interactions with Strangers and Social Dynamics

The duo shares various encounters with strangers, highlighting the absurdity and unpredictability of social interactions.

• Encounter with Will Smith's Son: Diaz narrates an incident involving Will Smith's son wearing a house on his head at the Grammys, symbolizing the bizarre lengths celebrities go for attention.

  "He wore a house on his head. ... You just buy into everything, dog."
  — Joey Diaz, [84:53]

• Bar Interactions: Diaz describes intimidating situations at bars where unwanted attention leads to discomfort and conflict.

  "They're standing behind me and they don't know that I'm boiling. I'm like Charles Bronson at those minutes."
  — Joey Diaz, [51:37]

Family and Personal Relationships

The conversation takes a more personal turn as Diaz discusses his relationship with his daughter, Mercy, and his concerns about her exposure to modern societal influences.

• Parenting Challenges: Diaz expresses worries about his daughter adopting behaviors and beliefs prevalent in today's society, advocating for traditional values.

  "My daughter was watching it, and I don't want her to buy into that shit."
  — Joey Diaz, [89:43]

• Concert Incident: He recounts a distressing event where his wife becomes emotionally overwhelmed at a concert, underscoring the tension between generational values.

  "She walked in there. I'm not gonna say the concert in Philadelphia, Doug. ... It just destroyed her insides."
  — Joey Diaz, [90:49]

Super Bowl Weekend Plans

As the episode progresses, Joey introduces upcoming plans and events related to the Super Bowl, sharing his lack of enthusiasm for traditional festivities.

• Super Bowl Sentiments: Diaz expresses disinterest in attending large Super Bowl parties, preferring solitude or minimal involvement.

  "I just don't want to be out out like an hour away from my house. ... You don't have anything food wise, you look forward to for the Super Bowl?"
  — Joey Diaz, [60:28]

• DraftKings Promotion: Towards the end, Diaz plugs DraftKings, promoting their sportsbook app for the upcoming games.

  "Listen, when it comes to sports betting, you gotta use DraftKings. ... Download the DraftKings sportsbook app and press Code Joey."
  — Joey Diaz, [57:10]

Closing Remarks

The episode concludes with Diaz and Syatt reflecting on the chaotic nature of modern life, emphasizing the importance of maintaining personal boundaries and resilience amidst societal changes.

• Final Thoughts: Diaz laments the loss of simplicity and the pervasive influence of social media, advocating for authenticity and self-awareness.

  "Life was simple. ... You buy into everything, dog."
  — Joey Diaz, [89:43]

• Upcoming Shows: Syatt mentions his upcoming performances, hinting at continued comedic exchanges and personal stories in future episodes.

  "I was at Poughkeepsie at Laughing Up, February 8, 7pm Show. I think it's gonna be a great show."
  — Lee Syatt, [83:27]

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Notable Quotes

1. Joey Diaz on Drug Tolerance:

   "I was building my tolerance with that shit. When I met George, we were going fucking off."
   — Joey Diaz, [74:07]

2. Diaz on Medical Frustrations:

   "I called back this morning. ... There's nothing wrong. And I'm like, okay. I'm trying to work them for the oxygen, the tank at the house."
   — Joey Diaz, [38:23]

3. Discussion on the Grammys:

   "They try to be different. This fucking thing. And that's a wig with some idiot cut it for them."
   — Joey Diaz, [14:57]

4. Parenting Concerns:

   "My daughter was watching it, and I don't want her to buy into that shit."
   — Joey Diaz, [89:43]

5. Super Bowl Sentiments:

   "It's just too much as a whole. It doesn't feel like football anymore."
   — Joey Diaz, [60:30]

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Conclusion

"This Could Only Happen to Me" offers an unfiltered and often provocative look into Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt's lives. Through a blend of humor, personal anecdotes, and candid conversations, the episode navigates topics such as substance use, frustrations with societal changes, and the complexities of modern relationships. Their dynamic interplay and willingness to tackle controversial subjects make for an engaging and thought-provoking listen.

Transcript

[Joey Diaz]

What's happening? Beautiful people. Uncle Joey Lee Syed here for the church of what's happening now? The new. What is it? Testament. That's what it is. It's Tuesday, February 4th. It's a whole new month with a whole new set of rules. Get your shit together. Let's get this party started on a Tuesday morning. Yo, Uncle Joey here. Listen, I want to talk to you about something as your uncle. Get your sex life and gear with Bluechew. They make it easy to be awesome in the sack I'm talking about. Little bubbles will be coming out of your muffler. This company delivers ED meds with the same active ingredients as Viagra, Cialis, Levitra, but as a chewable tablet. And here's where it gets nice. It comes right to your door. Discreet packaging, no nosy neighbors. Won't know nothing. You understand me? Even your wife won't know. Nobody knows. Listen, I love Blue Chew. Why? Because it's convenient. It's right there and it tastes good. You can pop it with water, you could pop it with spit. You know what I'm saying? You could be under the rock and come out of that rock slinging jack. So you can take it anytime, day and night and get ready to transform your game. You know what I'm saying? You know what it's like to have a cape on and just walk around your apartment naked? Think about that. Get some bluechew. Bluechew just wants you to have confidence and perform at your best. So discover your [e-mail] make life easier by getting harder. Forget About Discover your optionsLuchew.com and we got a special deal for church listeners. The first month of Bluechew is free. What are you talking about, Joey? Free cocksuckers. Bluechew.com for more details, important safety information and we want to thank Bluechew for sponsoring the church. Again. Go to bluechew.com and let's get the party started. All right, It's February. You got two weeks away from giving out chocolate. Like, forget about that. Show up with a cape, a bow tie and Blue Chew. Uncle Joey here. If you want sparks to fly in and out of your bedroom, you need via. Via's High Love Gummy. Strengthen libido, increase blood flow and intensifies your experience. You know what I'm saying? They got THC and thc. Free gummies, Vapes, thc, thca, flowers, topicals and calming drops that are made from the highest quality American sourced hemp. Whatever you're looking for, Via delivers. Listen, this Is my favorite right here. These things will put you on another planet. You follow me? Is that what you want to hear? What do you want to hear? It's mellow. I run through the. No, these are good. You wake up, you're hungry, and when you wake up, you wake up like that dude from a TV show that would always wake up with drool on his face. Anyway, there's no medical card required, and via ships legally to almost every state in the United States of America. So if you're over 21, you better be over 21, you better not be 16 doing this stuff. Check out the link to VIA in our description and press code Joey J O E y to receive 15% off. And if you're new to Via, they're gonna give you a little gift of your choice. All right? Who's better than Via? Nobody. Yo, they'll ask you where you're head about them. Tell them Uncle Joey sent you. This month of love, elevate your love life with Via. Welcome back to Chur. What's up, dog?

[Lee Syed]

It's good to see you, dude.

[Joey Diaz]

It's good to see you.

[Lee Syed]

It's been a fun. It's been a busy couple of weeks. Jesus Christ.

[Joey Diaz]

It is what it is. Hospitals, you know, I've been everywhere.

[Lee Syed]

Edibles, dude. I found a bottle of the old ABXS at my mom's house. I feel like they get stronger if you just leave them around.

[Joey Diaz]

They do get. You know, my brother in Jackson still has stars and he's got them in his freezer.

[Lee Syed]

Really?

[Joey Diaz]

And he still eats them from time to time. He goes, he gets fucked up. He says I gave him like a bag of those big purple ones, right? Two hundreds. He saved them.

[Lee Syed]

And you never save anything. You don't have, like any, like a safe anywhere with like your favorite of anything?

[Joey Diaz]

I try.

[Lee Syed]

What do you mean you try?

[Joey Diaz]

You know, I got a bag of weed that's really good, right? I'll split it in half and I'll put it away and I'll go to the weed store next day and get another bag of it. But I always have that put away. What happens is, after I smoke that other eighth, when I go back to this, I'm done. Like two weeks later, my tolerance goes up, right? So that eighth I put away is fucking null and void because I already smoked 4 grams of it, right?

[Lee Syed]

But can't you save it for like six months and then break it out? No.

[Joey Diaz]

In case of fire, you got to do what you got to do. You know what I'm Saying I ain't much of a saver. I started out as, like, a saver. Like, you try, but I did coke for 27 years. That shit never gets saved. Well, I'm gonna save this for my wedding. Fuck you. We're doing that, right? And I tried. I had friends that go, I buy a gram of coke and do a line and I put the rest in the refrigerator. Okay, good for you. That don't work for me.

[Lee Syed]

No, you never say.

[Joey Diaz]

God, no.

[Lee Syed]

I save. I'm such a fuck. I hoard everything. I probably, when I left la, probably had like a hundred of those free joints that they would give you.

[Joey Diaz]

Those bad breath joints.

[Lee Syed]

Oh, my God, is that what you call them?

[Joey Diaz]

That's it. They don't do nothing but give you bad breath. And everybody's like, I got a free J. Listen, throw that J away. There ain't nothing in that J but sticks and stems. You know what people gotta realize when you got a pound of weed in la, like when we lived there, right? I don't know what they do now. They would take that weed, break it up into little buds and then shake the keefe out of it. That's the first thing they've done. They shake the keefe out of it, right? All right? Then they take it and they put the buds that they could sell or whatever, and then you got a bunch of shit and they'll fucking. How many times did I go to Cushmart and buy the shake for 20 bucks? Like single eye? I mean, at that time, it was like 100 bucks for an eighth, for a quarter. And for 25 bucks, they give you 3 grams a shake. And it was the same weed, you know, but they'd sell shake. Then they take those stems that you're not gonna use and they grind those up in one of those espresso machines with the shitty weed that's in the bottom. And they roll free joints for you, but they mix it with everything else. Every other Salamanca fucking weed that they have, right? So by the time you get. I don't even smoke those. I'm gonna be honest with you. Pre rolls don't do it for me. I go to a weed store and go, give me the pre rolled that fucking. That fucking killed, you know, Kennedy. And they'll fucking give me, oh, this has stars in it. African toenails. High level weed. It's been dipped in weed, honey. I go home and nothing fucking happens. You know what happens? I cough my fucking brains out with that garbage. So I like looking at the weed like people Say to me, don't you buy pre rolls? I'm like, no, first off, I want to look at that weed. I want to feel it. I want to fucking. I want it to become one. You know what I'm saying? These kids today, anybody today, they don't do that.

[Lee Syed]

But you can't at least like, in Massachusetts or even anywhere in New York. They're all, like, prepackaged. You can't smell weed anywhere, can you?

[Joey Diaz]

No. But you have an idea. I go on the website and I go to the company, and I have an idea. When I go into a weed store, I don't go in there to take their advice. I go up there with my own advice. Cause they're smoking Salamanca weed. And then they were trying, well, this tastes good. Like, I went somewhere the other day, and the girl's like, I got this tremendous indica, 25%. I go, look, put that away. Put that away. They ain't gonna do nothing for dad. And they start with the terpenes and.

[Lee Syed]

Right.

[Joey Diaz]

I ain't got no time for these hoes. I just don't. So I go in there prepared because they'll start throwing different brands at you. Shit that's on sale or shit that looks pretty or it tastes like a lifesaver. I ain't got no time for that shit, dude.

[Lee Syed]

I have. Do you ever, like, just tell them to be quiet?

[Joey Diaz]

Who?

[Lee Syed]

The dispensary people?

[Joey Diaz]

No, I just.

[Lee Syed]

You let them finish their sales.

[Joey Diaz]

First of all, I'm deaf. So they can talk to their minds content. And I'm a professional. I know how to turn this ear off or turn this ear off.

[Lee Syed]

You turn your earbuds off?

[Joey Diaz]

No, not the earbuds. The eardrum.

[Lee Syed]

Oh, okay. I sat down.

[Joey Diaz]

Input of the shit.

[Lee Syed]

I thought you didn't used to have the. Whatever it's called. The ear.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, the hearing aids.

[Lee Syed]

Hearing AIDS.

[Joey Diaz]

But they're 2,800 a piece.

[Lee Syed]

Oh.

[Joey Diaz]

And during fucking Covid, you had to wear the mask. And they'd fling off. You know, at 2800, I'm walking around like the man with one fucking earpiece. Forget it. They're in my shaving kit. I don't even bother putting those things on. No, they got a new thing that you put on your phone and you put earbuds in.

[Lee Syed]

Oh, just like the airbuds.

[Joey Diaz]

It's an app that you could have. And people think you listen to music. But again with what's going on in the world right now, I don't want to listen to half this shit.

[Lee Syed]

No, you know what I'm saying?

[Joey Diaz]

Like, you just like, what the fuck is going on? I had a very interesting weekend.

[Lee Syed]

Okay? It's a little bit ominous.

[Joey Diaz]

No, But I always have a great weekend. It was to do with my daughter, okay? She wasn't getting into albums, vinyl. So I gave him my record player. But we couldn't figure out the other shit. I said, don't worry about it. I ended up going to Kohl's, and there was a little fucking stereo on sale at Kohl's for a buck 40 with speakers, the whole thing. I got it for her. We gave her some albums for Christmas. I go up there the other night, and she's listening to the albums and she's opening them, you know, like we did and reading the fucking. And, dad, look at this poster they sent me and this and that. And I'm like, wow. And I'm looking at all this, and the whole time I'm like. But she doesn't know what that album is really for. It's to roll joints, and the seeds would roll into the middle. When we were kids.

[Lee Syed]

I don't think it's for that.

[Joey Diaz]

Huh?

[Lee Syed]

I don't think it's for that.

[Joey Diaz]

Unless you're a half a fag and you want to look at the picture of a guy holding on to lightning, that's not what it's there for. You know what I'm saying? No, no. In fact, I bought some of those albums in Burbank. Like, if you look at my album collection, half of them I bought in Burbank. At that one store, there was a couple times I bought albums, double albums. There was still fucking seeds or rolling paper. And I'm like, this is a good fucking album.

[Lee Syed]

Okay? So. But what. Jesus Christ. So what. What is she into now?

[Joey Diaz]

So, excuse me. She sent to Billy Irish, which the one album ain't bad. She plays in the car. And I'm like, this ain't fucking that bad. You know? But the other shit is kind of weird. Chaparral, which is good, but not, you know, and something else. So she says to me, Sunday, can we go? So we've been looking for an album shop and, you know, vinyl records. The shops are going out of business. Another one went out of business, and Summit had been open for 70 fucking years.

[Lee Syed]

Damn.

[Joey Diaz]

And it's closing this week, so I don't know what's going on. People aren't buying vinyls at the stores. They're going online. And now that fucking Amazon and ebay. No Amazon and Borders Books, whatever.

[Lee Syed]

Oh, okay.

[Joey Diaz]

What's the book company? Barnes and Noble sell albums, but they sell like the Beatles. They'll sell Soundgarden. Super unknown. But you're not gonna find like a live album in there. You're not gonna find.

[Lee Syed]

It's like reprint. It's not the old original ones.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, it's. It's. They're all reprints. Half of these things, you're buying a reprints. Anyway. We find the place in Red bank, which is fucking dynamite. If you haven't been to Red Bank, New Jersey, that is a cool fucking town. And my friend is the chef there. But he didn't work Sunday, that cocksucker. Because he has. Oh, my God, Char. That motherfucker. Phil. Chef Phil. He makes these little. It's beef and potatoes. Did you have that? It's these little fucking pieces of meat over. Oh, my God. And you get the yellow fin sushi. But he makes it differently. Oh, my God. And the dessert. Look at. Lee's already melting. I saw. I saw crab hands. No, that's not the place.

[Lee Syed]

No. Jesus. Thank God.

[Joey Diaz]

I took it to this fucking record store and it was great. They had great stuff in there. She's over here, over there. And I realized I got no fucking wallet. But I cash. Thank God. She drops 200 in this record store, like on six albums.

[Lee Syed]

Damn.

[Joey Diaz]

We go home, she's playing the album. She's having a great time. I went upstairs to watch it. She's a fucking 12 year old kid, guys. So now the Grammys are on last night. And she's like, dad, the Grammys are on. I'm like, okay, you can watch them upstairs. I ain't watching no fucking Grammys tonight. I'd rather watch the Wire. Anything but the fucking Grammys. So I hear her up there yelling, yay. Yay. And all of a sudden, at some point, I hear her go, you know, yay. And I go, what's she yelling about? To my wife. My wife's on the couch half asleep. And I put her on channel four. And chaperone won. And she's a big chaperone fan. Oh, my God. When that girl stood up, I thought it was something out of a horror movie. She looked like a fucking witch. And I'm not here to say nothing bad about nobody, you know, I get it. They try to stick out at the Grammys, whatever. I mean, it was just fucking not good. And she got up and then she got the award and she's up there. Listen, I'm from the fucking. That dude school. Get your award. Thank you, God. And get the fuck out of here. Save your political statements for your little fucking white friends. At a party, chaperone starts going off about when I was a starving artist and, you know, shut the fuck up. And then, like 10 minutes later, I went to the bathroom. I left it on. It was Lady Gaga with a fucking haircut like she got from a blind dude. Like, some blind dude cut her hair with a fucking bowl. You're worth millions of dollars who cut your hair like this. You know, they try to be different. This fucking thing. And it's a wig with some idiot cut it for them. Trust me, at the end of the day, that's a wig. She's out there, like, you know, she gets the award and right away, you know, trans people are alive and all. Listen, again, this is a political. This ain't no political show. You got a bunch. You got a black dude with a little hat on. I mean, I've never seen anything like that. Black people were off the hook. They were off the hook. But the guy who stole the show was Kanye West. Did you see that? He showed up with him and the wife turned around. He's still like one of the security guards from Public Enemy and shit. She turned around, dropped her mink. Naked.

[Lee Syed]

At the Grammys.

[Joey Diaz]

At the Grammys. With, like, a little body suit on, but the monkey was right there.

[Lee Syed]

Did she even win anything or. Why was she naked?

[Joey Diaz]

No, she was just there, Kanye. And they didn't even go to the Grammys. They got right in the car and left.

[Lee Syed]

Oh, this is on the red carpet.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, she went and showed that little beaver. It was shaved to the teeth.

[Lee Syed]

Didn't they get. I think they got kicked out of Amsterdam or something. Like, she was blowing them on a boat in public. Like. Like recently, within the last year.

[Joey Diaz]

If you're blowing with somebody on a boat, they're not going to throw you out of Amsterdam.

[Lee Syed]

Well, no, it's outside.

[Joey Diaz]

Huh?

[Lee Syed]

It was like, on top of the boat. It wasn't inside the boat.

[Joey Diaz]

They got hookers. They got.

[Lee Syed]

Yeah, but not. You can't get blown in the middle of the day.

[Joey Diaz]

Who said?

[Lee Syed]

Apparently, Amsterdam.

[Joey Diaz]

No, listen, some people are just so lucky. If I get a blowjob outside under the sun, I'll take the ticket. Right or wrong, I'll take the felony. What? You want to hit me with a sexual harassment? Then they'll make you a sexual predator. Yeah, because you got your dick sucked around the corner from the school. Everybody knows that's where to get your dick sucked around the corner from the school. That's the best place, right? The kids are all in school. There's a pizza place. The bathroom's open. It's a little dirty, the food. The fucking floor's a little dirty, but suck it. Yeah, you want it to pizza, right?

[Lee Syed]

And you're not gonna be on the floor.

[Joey Diaz]

No. So I just had to call my daughter last night, Mercy come down here, and I had to read her to riot. I said, mercy, you can't dress like this. Chaparralcha. And she's like, well, dad, people could do. Listen, people could do whatever the fuck they want. I agree with you. But not in Marlboro, New Jersey. We're not wearing none of those crazy outfits and all that little faggy speech. Let me tell you what that faggy speech is, okay? All those little faggy speeches. At the end of the day, they don't care about anything. Those people don't care about anything. They just talk to talk. And for you people who believe those fucking idiots, you should be shot and hung. Shot and hung and put under the fucking cemetery. That's how stupid you are. Those people don't care about anything. The reason why they utter those words is so some other wench comes up to her and says, you're so brave. Listen, if you were so brave, how come you weren't fighting those fires in Malibu two weeks ago? That's brave right there. You know what I'm saying? Guys like, enough with this. And that's what I put up with for 23 fucking years. That kind of behavior where, you know, let me. You know. Who fucking shows up with a naked woman? I love it. I mean, if you're gonna show up, show up with a naked bitch. You know what I'm saying? That's as smart as it comes. You want people's attention. You show up with a hot freak and, like, go, yo. And let her drop a jacket at a Cuban restaurant, salute them and walk out. They're like, what the fuck was that? In fact, I've been thinking about it. Get me, like, one of these Japanese girls that don't speak English. Instead of joining OnlyFans, I give them 500. Just come to the restaurant with me. 500. Take a jacket off, fucking pickle hair off and throw it in somebody's dinner and then just walk out. Cause those Japanese women got those little long hairy bushes, right? You just take that hair. It's like you could use it for. What do they call. What do they use?

[Lee Syed]

Floss.

[Joey Diaz]

Floss. Just take it and throw it out. No man is gonna say, hey, she threw pussy hair on my food. Unless he's a half a fucking fag.

[Lee Syed]

Right, right.

[Joey Diaz]

Everybody will eat a piece of pussy.

[Lee Syed]

Hair who has it.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't give a fuck who. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

[Lee Syed]

How do you think he convinced her to take her clothes off on TV like that? Like, I understand if you want to take your clothes off. How do you convince someone else to take their clothes off?

[Joey Diaz]

I don't know, Lee. You know? I don't know. But you could do it. Apparently, there's a lot of people out there. There's a lot of women out there that if you go, what if I could get you on the. I just want to be seen. I want to be heard. Okay, I'm going to the Grammys. What you do is put on a mink with nothing underneath, walk the red carpet. Me. And drop that motherfucker. And then I'll drop a pencil and bend over backwards to pick it up because the couple reporters were actually zooming on a pussy. That picture's gonna come out. Those aren't. The. The white ones are like, oh, my God, she's naked now. The smart one said, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[Lee Syed]

Right?

[Joey Diaz]

Nobody cares about the titties. Nobody cares about the hairdoing. Nobody cares about Kanye. Zero in on that fucking monkey.

[Lee Syed]

Right?

[Joey Diaz]

Did you see that thing? It was cute.

[Lee Syed]

No, I didn't. I missed it.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, you better get your shit together then.

[Lee Syed]

Why is that not, like, headline news? I didn't see anything about that today.

[Joey Diaz]

Well, you're not supposed to, Lee.

[Lee Syed]

I would like to.

[Joey Diaz]

It's supposed to. You know what I'm saying? It's one of those things that you didn't see it, but you saw it. Like if your girlfriend says, did you see Kanye with his naked girlfriend? Me? Never. You're with the boys. Fuck you. I saw a little dirty snatch.

[Lee Syed]

Jesus. Can you imagine how much you think those pictures would go for if they actually got one of her naked?

[Joey Diaz]

What am I, TMZ now?

[Lee Syed]

I don't know.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't fucking know.

[Lee Syed]

That's a fucked up job. Would you. Would you ever do that? I think you'd be a pretty good. What is it called? What are the photographers called? Paparazzi.

[Joey Diaz]

I wouldn't do that shit.

[Lee Syed]

No?

[Joey Diaz]

No.

[Lee Syed]

Not in another life.

[Joey Diaz]

Not even another life.

[Lee Syed]

Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

I think it's disgusting. You've seen them.

[Lee Syed]

I've never dealt with them.

[Joey Diaz]

I've seen how they behave.

[Lee Syed]

Yeah, I've seen how they behave, for sure.

[Joey Diaz]

And they torment you. They torment you into doing Something, another guy on camera. They want you to crack them in the fucking head. They want you to punch them in the face. I used to go to a. What else? Things were. That farmer's market in Studio City. They had, like, a little fucking. A little cage, and the kids could touch it. Fucking sheep and, you know, a little half a fag amusement park. But they had the best fucking tamales. And next to that, there was a Mexican family who made jugos natureales.

[Lee Syed]

Really?

[Joey Diaz]

Which was the natural juices. They'd make strawberry with milk, a little bit of cinnamon in that motherfucker and whip it up. Oh, my God. I was there every Sunday with my wife. If I wasn't on the road, I'd go every Sunday to that place. And I saw them get into a fight with the black dude from Sons of Anarchy. He was also on Lost.

[Lee Syed]

Oh, the head. The head black biker gang guy. The bald dude?

[Joey Diaz]

No, the one season five where they killed his daughter.

[Lee Syed]

Oh, shit. Yeah, Damon Pope.

[Joey Diaz]

Damon Pope. And I saw them. Him having it out. And I saw somebody else up there having a woman having it out. And then one day they started fucking with me. And they called me Big Pussy and all this shit. And I'm like, I'm not gonna say nothing to this dude. But when I got to the car, the guy followed me to the car.

[Lee Syed]

Really?

[Joey Diaz]

I got my wife and my daughter here. You gonna follow me to the car? Well, let them say Big Pussy. And I just went at the fucking guy. My wife got mad. We had to leave in a hurry. I almost hit him with the car and shit. That was the end of that. I never went back up there after that. And then they signed, like, a law against him.

[Lee Syed]

Really?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, but they're everywhere. They're like, at the. They would hang out at Jerry's Deli.

[Lee Syed]

At night with the one attached to the bowling alley?

[Joey Diaz]

No, the one that was in Beverly Hills.

[Lee Syed]

Oh, okay.

[Joey Diaz]

They closed it. They would hang out there. They would hang out at the Improv. Like, I would see the camera and go, I'm going the other way. TMZ would hang out up there and ask the comedians questions. I don't want to talk to those people.

[Lee Syed]

Did he see some comedians, like, walking towards them on purpose, like, getting ready to be interviewed?

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, yeah, they can't wait. I don't want to be on tmz. Fucking. What are you doing out tonight? People tell you, listen, there ain't nothing to talk about. No, no, I'm from the Led Zeppelin school. No fucking faggy interviews, no television appearances. Nothing anybody ever calls me. But still, I don't want to do any of that stuff. No, I don't even want to go to weddings anymore. Like, I made up my mind, like, two months ago. I'm like. Cause I was getting all these invites to weddings, and I'm like, these people have no fucking idea. There's nothing I hate more than a fucking wedding to sit there and make believe I'm happy. I'm not happy. It's Saturday. There's gotta be something going on. Nebraska's playing somebody, right? There's something going on, and I gotta sit here for four hours. That's what you're trying to tell me, right? And I'm gonna be back here in two years. Cause you're gonna divorce the fat fuck. And then I'm back here, and I'm a positive guy. But seriously, right? Seriously. How many times have you been sitting at a wedding after three hours? You're like, this bitch is gonna fucking.

[Lee Syed]

Leave him for three hours is a long time.

[Joey Diaz]

It's a long time. They take a lot out of you. Weddings are demanding now. It's just not show up at the bfw. My mother's cooking something at the house later on. It's extravagance and pigeons. And, you know, fuck you. Fuck you. The only way I would give my wife a pigeon is if I sent her to the hospital and she was a virginized virgin. Like, approved. Like, pussy's tight, mufflers tight. But anything slipping after that, like, she had a little encounter when she was 18. Listen, the pigeons are out, the white dress is out. We're going in there. Don't even invite your family. You're a whore. Don't even invite them. For what are you gonna invite them for, you dirty bastard? You ever go to a wedding and, like, you fuck the chick that's getting married and you gotta sit at the table and go, this is. This is.

[Lee Syed]

You went to a wedding of someone who you fucked the bride?

[Joey Diaz]

Well, she invited me to her wedding.

[Lee Syed]

Why would she invite you to her wedding?

[Joey Diaz]

Because white women are fucking creepy and crazy. They want to sit there. Hey, we used to date each other. Oh, my God, that's so cool. Meanwhile, you're looking at her going, I used to take it out of your ass and come on your face. And your poor boyfriend, this guy, this insurance salesman with white socks, he don't do that. Where do I see the connection? Where's the fucking connection here? When I lived in Boulder, they all got together. We dated for eight years. Eight years. He did Everything to him, right? He lit a pussy on fire, he knocked her up, she had an abortion. They left a half a leg in there, you know. You know. And what do you want to talk about? Eight years they didn't marry her. Eight fucking years. These people want to get together and chit chat about what?

[Lee Syed]

Fuck that.

[Joey Diaz]

About what? What the fuck we going to chit chat about?

[Lee Syed]

I can't. And now, I mean, I know we've talked about it forever, about you traveling to weddings, but after this week, can you imagine getting an invitation to a wedding that you have to fly to?

[Joey Diaz]

That's not happening.

[Lee Syed]

That's crazy.

[Joey Diaz]

Three hours to a wedding. You're definitely not going to see me if the wedding is not in Marlboro on a Tuesday. Cause I don't want to go on a Saturday. Saturday's the best day of the week. You're gonna ruin it.

[Lee Syed]

But who has a wedding on a Tuesday?

[Joey Diaz]

Well, get it together. It's the new best day to have a wedding. I got married on a Wednesday. I wanted to get to all the odds and it was great. Fuck em. The Wednesday before Thanksgiving, no presents. Don't get dressed up. Just show up, eat and get the fuck out. And it worked out just fine. I was very happy. Yeah, no pressure, right? When you go to a wedding, you got all this pressure on you. I got a. Did she already get the toaster? You know, does she have it? Is her father in law gonna give it to her? It's always pressure. You gotta go get a belt, right? Then you have to go to a wedding. George, I have to go get a belt now. Who needs a fucking belt? You know what I'm saying? I gotta go shopping for a fucking belt. To sit in the church and then make believe like a. This is a beautiful church. No, when it's not, then you gotta say lies. You gotta lie all day. This is a very beautiful church. Oh yes. 1800, the Napoleon's.

[Lee Syed]

And you'd rather be home watching football?

[Joey Diaz]

I'd rather be home stabbing my eyeball to death with a pencil. And then you gotta go to the reception and that's always fun, but the food sucks. And they always put you at a table with some fucking hillbilly that you don't even know, you know what I'm saying? Like some aunt that flew in from Wyoming. She's picking her toes at the table and you gotta sit there. No, listen, leave me at home. I'll send you a nice envelope and you can knock yourself the fuck out.

[Lee Syed]

I was just at a. Like a Casino in, like, the middle of nowhere this weekend. That was. I. You think you've seen everything and then you see someone. Like, I saw, I think, like, three women with, like. I'm not talking about trans women. I'm talking about women with beards. This weekend.

[Joey Diaz]

Were they guys would be.

[Lee Syed]

No, no.

[Joey Diaz]

And it was just women that let themselves go.

[Lee Syed]

They just haven't. Yeah, they just had a couple. They. They were fully. They just had a couple of, like, really long hairs.

[Joey Diaz]

Now let's put. Let me add. Let's back it up.

[Lee Syed]

Right.

[Joey Diaz]

Did they have one of those warts on their face with the hat?

[Lee Syed]

Not this one. I've seen that one before. Like a little. A little mole and it's like around the mole.

[Joey Diaz]

Where were you?

[Lee Syed]

I was in Springfield, Massachusetts.

[Joey Diaz]

Well, next time you go up there, bring razors for sale after the show. You sell a thousand razors. Fucking. What's that thing? What's that spot you put all over your body and it don't stink? That new deodorant? Yeah, There's a new deodorant that you could put anywhere. Under your titties, under your feet, your armpits. You're fucking behind your knees. Oh, dude, you ever smell behind your knees? Not a good day.

[Lee Syed]

Smell behind your knees.

[Joey Diaz]

You have to. You have to check everything before you take.

[Lee Syed]

Sure you're clean. But I don't. I've never smelled. I've smelled. I rubbed my balls and smelled that, but I've never, like, rubbed behind my knee and smelled my knee things.

[Joey Diaz]

Quiet once in a while.

[Lee Syed]

I'm okay. Do I just wash it with a loofah?

[Joey Diaz]

Okay. You wash your toes and everything?

[Lee Syed]

Dude, I got my. I got a pedicure for the first time.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, they must have loved it. Were they Chinese?

[Lee Syed]

They fixed the Auschwitz toe. I don't know what they were.

[Joey Diaz]

Were they. Well, were they in the Chinese category?

[Lee Syed]

They were. They were. They were in that category.

[Joey Diaz]

They what, they were like a little dark skin?

[Lee Syed]

No, not. Not super not dark. They would. But they were Asian and they just. They went at. For years. You called my right big toe the Auschwitz toe because it went through my gi. And I think it stabbed you a little bit. But they went. They put some shit on it and then they cheese grated it. That shit was crazy. I've never had that done before.

[Joey Diaz]

But the cheese grater?

[Lee Syed]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Did you save the powder?

[Lee Syed]

No, I didn't. What do you mean? Can you imagine asking that poor lady to save the powder?

[Joey Diaz]

Just tell her, you know, my religious powder from the fucking Toenails I love. Listen, my fungi toenail. I put like a little black paper and I scoop it up, it's like a gram or two, and I put in a little bindle and I save it for the mushrooms and sometimes I sprinkle on the reefer.

[Lee Syed]

Jesus. Speaking of people losing their mind, have you seen that lady in Pakistan? That lady, that black lady from America who just like went, she's like 40, 50 something, has kids and a husband in America, like lost her mind and like went and met this dude, this 19 year old in Pakistan, went over there to try to marry him and he like won't answer the door. She's holding news conferences in the middle of Pakistan with like baby powder on her face, talking like she wants like 5,000 a week from Pakistan.

[Joey Diaz]

That's the same chick that gave Brad Pitt the money.

[Lee Syed]

Oh, really?

[Joey Diaz]

I don't know. That dumb bitch gave some. Brad Pitt called her from the hospital with an AI picture and said, I need $800,000. She left her husband and sent $800,000.

[Lee Syed]

Like, yeah, I've seen a bunch of those.

[Joey Diaz]

Come on. Come on, man. What is going the fuck on? And this poor lady, is she attractive?

[Lee Syed]

No.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, okay then. No, she gets what she deserves. She flew across fucking countries to go to Pakistan.

[Lee Syed]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Not fucking Dubai or not Brazil or not somewhere fucking cool. She goes over there with God knows what's going on in Pakistan, and the poor bastard won't open up the fucking door. Well, you know, I know a lot of guys that have done that, but not in Pakistan. They make the bitches come over from Jersey and New York. We don't know you.

[Lee Syed]

Oh, no. I had a couple. Only one woman once. And it was like, you know how I made the bed? One of the stupider ones I had, I had a woman hit me up at like midnight and I took a shower before I left. And by the time I got there, I don't know if she was looking out the window and didn't like me or fell asleep or had a different guy over there. But like, I was pacing on the block for like 10 minutes because I. I wanted to get laid. But then I was like, wait, if this is like happy you go to jail. If, like you just, if you're just waiting for something, like waiting like walking up and down a block. So I just left. But she, like, would text me, text me, and then in that 20 minutes to take a shower, changed her mind or something. It was the worst. No, why are you looking at me like that?

[Joey Diaz]

I have no Idea what to say to that.

[Lee Syed]

You never. Dude, what do you mean you have no idea? What, You've never had a girl, like, disappear? Nothing.

[Joey Diaz]

Let a girl disappear?

[Lee Syed]

Yeah. Like she never at a club would, like, come over and then you went to. And she wouldn't enter the doorbell or anything? No.

[Joey Diaz]

Come again?

[Lee Syed]

Like, I don't know, at a club. Like, you ever meet someone at a club or. Well, you never really did online dating though.

[Joey Diaz]

No. So.

[Lee Syed]

But like, at a club, you never had, like a woman say, come over and then change her mind or do anything like that?

[Joey Diaz]

Strippers at Denny's. Strippers always go, meet me at Denny's. And you're in there eating flapjacks for two hours. Wait two hours telling to. Telling your friends she's going to show.

[Lee Syed]

Oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

I did it once. I'm not going to lie to you. I did it one time. I waited for a stripper and she didn't show. But let me tell you the fucking adventure of this fucking stripper. She got a hold of me a few days later. I have no idea how. I didn't even have a fucking payphone. I didn't even have a phone. I had a pager. A pager. It was 91. I had just gotten separated two months in. I go to the bus stop one night and she's beautiful and we're talking and I go, you want to meet at Denny's? And she's like, yeah, sure. And. And she's like, yeah, sure, you know, I'll meet you at Denny's. And then she didn't show. Like two days later, she fucking got my pager and paged me. And she goes, are we still gonna meet? And I go, yeah, we'll meet, whatever. What do you want to do? And she goes, I wanna go to dinner these days. I had no money. I was just living off credit cards or whatever I could. I'm like, all right, you want to go to dinner? And next thing you fucking know, I got a call from my ex wife. We're not even fucking divorced yet. And she goes, there's a girl sitting in my chair getting a haircut that says he's going to go on a date with you tonight. This could only happen to me. That was the end. After that. Like, I.

[Lee Syed]

How did they find it was just random. They went to your ex wife's salon.

[Joey Diaz]

The what?

[Lee Syed]

It was just random that they went to your ex wife salon.

[Joey Diaz]

It was fucking as random as.

[Lee Syed]

And that could only happen to you. That's crazy.

[Joey Diaz]

That could only happen to Me and I had to go up there. When I got there, they were arguing.

[Lee Syed]

Oh, your ex wife got mad.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. Meanwhile she's living with a dude. This is my fucking world. And then I threw the girl out. I said, come on, we gotta go. Trust me, I took her out that night. It didn't matter. And then, and then fucking. I took her out a couple times. She was dynamite. But that's what she did to me that night. That fucking girl fucked my shit up. Who the fuck walks into a chair that belongs to your ex wife and says I'm going out with a fucking comedian tonight or some fucking shit?

[Lee Syed]

Jesus Christ. And what did your ex wife do?

[Joey Diaz]

She was pissed. You know, it was a long time ago. Fucking my agents now.

[Lee Syed]

I just was watching. I don't know how I found it last night, but I saw that clip last of, of whatever his name is. That joke. I don't have a girlfriend, but I have a woman who'd be very upset if she heard me say that. What? What's his name?

[Joey Diaz]

I'm not sure.

[Lee Syed]

God damn. Doesn't matter. Everyone. He's a one liner comic. Great job.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't know. Listen, I'm just happy that you know, man. I don't know what's going on with me today. I had to yell at the doctor.

[Lee Syed]

You had to yell at the doctor?

[Joey Diaz]

I had to go off today, once and for all because, dog, it's. It's 2000. It's 2000 fucking questions every time you call a doctor. You know. Now I was in the hospital for five fucking days. You know me. Fucking questions they ask. And I would tell them, please don't ask me. If you don't see my wife here, make believe I'm not gonna know. Fuck that. Three minutes later. Are you on beazepine at the house? I have no fucking idea. That's my wife's number. Call her. She'll tell you every medication I'm on when I take it, the whole fucking deal. Okay, I get out of the hospital and I call my main fucking doctor. The main my escovito. I love her. Filipino love her. Thorough, takes her time. Fucking amazing. I got out of the hospital, whatever, on a Wednesday. I called on Wednesday afternoon. Can I come in to see you? I got out of the hospital. Yeah, I got the report, blah, blah, blah, Yeah, I wanna see you. Okay, how about March 18th? I'm like, are you fucking kidding me? It's fucking January. What is going on? And I go, you know what, I'll call some other time. I thought that she prescribed what I needed because they won't prescribe something. You could be dead. And they won't prescribe it. You got to go down there and pay the 35 and waste an hour and let them check everything, you know, the whole fucking deal. So I called back this morning. And this is after calling. Look, supposedly I was dying my lungs. Then I go to the aftercare, and they're like, we don't even know what you're talking about. We're not even gonna give you a prescription. There's nothing wrong. And I'm like, okay. I'm like, why'd I go to fucking Brick? I lost two hours of my time to come all the way down here. You give me nothing. I'm trying to work them for the oxygen, the tank at the house.

[Lee Syed]

You do not want a tank.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, fuck. Yeah.

[Lee Syed]

To do what?

[Joey Diaz]

That's when the party starts. That's when I take you to the next level. No. You know, whatever. I don't really want oxygen, but. So they send me home. Pulmonary. You're gonna die. You got five funguses in your lung. February 26th. I see these cock suckers, so I might not be dying. What's this fucking. You know, they put this fucking thing in your head. I'm not dying. I'm just bullshitting you people. And then today I call a doctor. You want. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We're waiting for your call. We got all the paperwork. 14 days, okay? You're not gonna see Escavito. We got another doctor for you. I go, listen, it's not happening. She's my doctor. Well, she's busy. That's why we belong to Center State, because we have a circle of fucking people. And I'm like, listen, it's not fucking happening. And she's like, joseph, you know, that's the only. I go, listen, I'll tell you what. Give me a date when she's open. And he goes, well, what about the prescriptions? I'll live. Just give me a date. She goes, hold on five minutes. Then she got back home. Can I call you in 10? Yeah, how about fucking Wednesday at 10? 10 in the morning? Don't fucking lie to me. Don't lie to me. I don't give a fuck. I'm cutting into her coffee. She's okay. She'll fucking see me. You know, it's so hard. Like, RFK is gonna take the. Put the sugar back in Coke, and they're gonna, you know, take back fucking apple Jacks, and we're gonna, you know, we're gonna do all these great things. What they need to overhaul is the medical system. And it wasn't this hard in la. No, dawg. I did what I wanted in la. I did what I wanted at Bob Hope Dope. But then my doctor retired, and now it's gonna be thrown to the wall. So I moved when he retired, and then my heart doctor retired. That motherfucker still calls me fucked up at night, coked up. I miss you, man. He lives up in Northern California.

[Lee Syed]

Yeah, it's. It's. You can't get in. I don't remember the last time I've been to see, like, a guy. You just go to Urgent Care.

[Joey Diaz]

I know we have a young audience here, but you all have parents. And I want you to know what it's fucking. You just don't call the doctor. Like, listen, between us as family, I didn't have to turn myself into the hospital. I could have done all that shit at home, but I knew what. The test I did in there would take me a year to complete and insurance would balk. When you're in there, they're rocking and rolling. That's why I went in there. They. Listen, they stabbed me 10 times. They did this. They put a fucking medal in my wrist. They did a thousand things, but I got that thought out of my fucking head, right? And that's peace of mind to me. I still got problems, and it's gonna take time. I'm better than when I went in there, and it's gonna take time. I just gotta fucking rest. I see it now. It's fucking different.

[Lee Syed]

And like, I. You're. You're great, you're a nice guy. But I do. I never, like, get upset or go. Go off on people at, like, offices. Like, I know you don't want to do that, but does it help?

[Joey Diaz]

But I told her I know her. And I go, denise, I love you to death. What the fuck? I go, this sucks lately. And she goes, well, Denise, you know, that's my doctor. Why would I want to go see another? The first doctor I went into that office, doctor, I don't want to say his name like, twice. I went to see him. It was like he was on a different planet.

[Lee Syed]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

He was questioning everything. Like, why. Why are you on this medication? I don't know. Call my wife. Call my wife. I don't fucking know. Why are you on this? Why are you on that? Why do they have you on this and this? Listen, I was in la where they're fucking pill happy, and that's the other thing here, they don't give you a dick. If you go for pain in Jersey, you're done. You're fucking done. Like, they'll tell you, okay, take a pain pill every six hours. What's that mean? Four times a day, right? Where I come from, it's Monday.

[Lee Syed]

Okay?

[Joey Diaz]

Get you a new prescription, they'll give you like, 13 pills and you're like.

[Lee Syed]

But wait a second, for three days.

[Joey Diaz]

It don't add up. Four times a day and 14 pills, it doesn't do nothing here. That's how they start with you. And then the office won't call you back. You're sitting there in pain, fucking dying. And you got. You know, you. You gotta, like, break them off and pee. Next thing you know, you're driving to fucking Newark. I had to call a friend of mine to get me a fucking pain pill.

[Lee Syed]

Is it. Is it any faster if you hit Spanish? Like, if you're like, hey, yeah, you go through.

[Joey Diaz]

But that's not the fucking point. They're not gonna give me an appointment any fucking faster.

[Lee Syed]

Oh, okay.

[Joey Diaz]

Every time you call those automated places, yeah, you're done for 20 minutes.

[Lee Syed]

Yeah, you're done.

[Joey Diaz]

20 minutes, you're done.

[Lee Syed]

Did you ever. When you were, like, coming up and broke, did you ever do unemployment in la?

[Joey Diaz]

Towards the end, I did.

[Lee Syed]

Dude, when I left la, it was so hard to call. Unemployed. When I would got unemployment, like, 10 years ago, you had to call right as they opened at like, 8 in the morning. You could get through. Now they have robots that you have to, like, you can pay 10 bucks and they'll just keep calling because it's impossible to get through. You can call, hire. Like, you can pay for robots to call unemployment for you. It's that bad?

[Joey Diaz]

Well, that's why I learned dial 2 for Latinos in LA, because I like Latinos, and I didn't do that. I didn't collect unemployment till maybe five years, till I started making money. Ari told me to collect unemployment.

[Lee Syed]

You have to.

[Joey Diaz]

What are you talking about? They're like, bro, when you shoot a day, you file the next day, that covers you for 13 weeks. And they give you, like, the top notch. I'm like, get the fuck out of here. They would just send you an ATM card every month. What? And then you go to the weed store and they'd say, we do not take EDD cards. God damn it. So I didn't give a fuck. But it was just, you have to do it. It's your money. Yeah, it's your fucking money. And you pay into it and you wonder what the fuck it all goes. Something happens to you, guys check into that, and you'll be in shock. They have money for you somewhere, and.

[Lee Syed]

You have to fight it. Because I got it during the pandemic. Like, I didn't get the crazy ones they were giving out, but they gave me. It was like 300 a week. But it took them. Took me like a year.

[Joey Diaz]

And then they gave you a back pay.

[Lee Syed]

Yeah, but I had to fight it. I had to do. I had to do a. Whatever it's called, like a hearing on the phone. I had to submit appeals, and then they would lose the appeal. It took me like, a year. I was pissed. But then, dude, when that goes through, when you get back pay, that's almost better than getting it a week at a time. Getting back pay all at once. Fuck, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Forget about it. You want to write the McDonald's? Ooh, and you went off. When was the last time you went to McDonald's? Cocktail.

[Lee Syed]

It's been a long time. That's the one reason I don't even remember the last time.

[Joey Diaz]

There's one by my house.

[Lee Syed]

I love McDonald's.

[Joey Diaz]

I drive by it every day. I gotta go to Starbucks with Mercy. I gotta go to the bank. I always do something. Giudelli's in there.

[Lee Syed]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

So every day I drive by McDonald's. And that one whiff gets you. But not enough to make the turn. You know what I'm saying? Like, that's a. That's a different turn.

[Lee Syed]

Like, it depends. Because that's where I will get pissed off, is if I go there and then I haven't been to McDonald's in, like, six months. And then the fries are stale. That I will get upset about. Like, because they.

[Joey Diaz]

That you will not forgive.

[Lee Syed]

No, you can't.

[Joey Diaz]

Veto. Callion.

[Lee Syed]

Oh, my God. If you go. If you go and get cold fries when you're fucked up, that. That'll piss me off.

[Joey Diaz]

When was the last time you ate fast food?

[Lee Syed]

I stopped today and I got a. I got a drink, but I didn't. I honestly haven't been eating fast food. I honestly. I don't.

[Joey Diaz]

When's the last time you went to Subway? That's not what I heard.

[Lee Syed]

Subway's been years. Subway's been years. I.

[Joey Diaz]

They saw you at Subway with a chick with a beard.

[Lee Syed]

No. Subway. But I. What. What did I do? I did. I got breakfast at Cracker Barrel yesterday. That was pretty good. I don't. You don't like Cracker Barrel?

[Joey Diaz]

Did you Smell that yet? Sniff your asshole. See if you ever go to Cracker Barrel again.

[Lee Syed]

It was pretty good, huh? The breakfast was pretty good.

[Joey Diaz]

What did you have?

[Lee Syed]

I just had bacon and eggs.

[Joey Diaz]

Were the eggs fresh?

[Lee Syed]

Over easy? Of course.

[Joey Diaz]

Okay. You saw the yolk?

[Lee Syed]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Okay.

[Lee Syed]

Oh, I did. This is what happened.

[Joey Diaz]

He's learning.

[Lee Syed]

And people are going to get upset at me. But. All right, so there was one time in Vegas, we went gambling and you got mad at me because I was doing well. And I. As I came back, I stayed. I stayed at a table and a little person came and I lost all my money. And you're like, it's bad luck.

[Joey Diaz]

You gotta be careful.

[Lee Syed]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. So shows up, you give him a token, you tap on his little head and you go, I gotta get out of here. And he stood behind you. He.

[Lee Syed]

Well, and the last one.

[Joey Diaz]

Lesson number one. You cannot let. When you're gambling. No midgets and no Chinese people standing behind you. I love Chinese people. I have nothing against you. You know me. I eat Chinese food once a week. Bruce Lee movies. Happy New Year. The year the fucking. My favorite restaurant gave me an apple, an orange last week. They did for New Year's. I went in there, they gave me two fucking oranges. I was in there saying, shigwai lo. The whole fucking thing, you know, Uncle Joey. But you let. Like when you're gambling. And I don't even gamble. But I've seen it. I've stood there and I've seen a nice white guy with a wife. You know, they're on a honeymoon, they're up 800, and all of a sudden, like, some Chinese guy's behind them. And all of a sudden you see the guy getting worried. He's pulling his jacket, he's going into the envelope, you know, the fucking wedding envelope. Where's the money? I can't.

[Lee Syed]

I can't take it.

[Joey Diaz]

And at the end of that, you turn around, there's a little Chinese guy watching you. That's it.

[Lee Syed]

Yeah, a little person came right up and left.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm having a big time problem lately. I go to my favorite restaurant. Three nights a week, I sit there, I get water with lemon. Because I'm a boring fucking. And they usually have the game on. I love the bartenders. I love the blonde Michelle there. But I always have a problem in them. If I sit next to somebody, like, I always sit next to a girl. I always make sure that the owner's wife is there. Or two girls. Tricky Nikki or my other girl, fucking Gabby. They're solid. They're fucking soldiers of death. These are my fucking girls. They keep me a loop. They let me know what the bitches are saying in the bathroom. If one of them is getting crazy and I get in my car and I go to fuck home. But every time I'm there, the bar could be fucking empty. And if a couple comes in or three guys come in, they'll try to sit next to me, and then they try to, like, fuck. And then they'll make a call to one of their friends and three more friends come. And now they're standing behind me and they don't know that I'm boiling. I'm like Charles Bronson at those minutes. Like, do I go to the car, invite them out to smoke weed and run them over, like. Cause you don't understand how much that shit bothers.

[Lee Syed]

Do they know it's you or. No, no, no, no.

[Joey Diaz]

They just gather around because.

[Lee Syed]

Cause one of my favorite things happened. I love when they stand behind me. Would annoy me, too, but it doesn't happen to me nearly as much as it does with you. But I love when they walk by and they go, lee and like. But they do it quickly. They do it to see if they gave. They can get you to look. Do they ever do that? Like Joey or. No.

[Joey Diaz]

Yesterday I was at Mercy. We went to Red Bank. On the way back, we stopped somewhere, and as I'm walking, I hear, is that Joey Diaz? Now I hear it, but that don't mean I hear it like, I just keep walking. You know what I'm saying? I just kept walking. He said it again. I walked into the place. I didn't see him. When I came out today, he texts me and he goes, dog, what the fuck was that yesterday? He goes, you didn't hear my voice? I go, listen. I don't turn around. I don't have the time no more.

[Lee Syed]

That's it.

[Joey Diaz]

In your world, I didn't hear you. I'm talking to my daughter, so. In my world, I didn't even fucking hear you.

[Lee Syed]

I love, so I'm sorry to enter. So what happens at the bars when they're standing behind you?

[Joey Diaz]

They fucking stand behind me and they torment me till I fucking get in my car and leave.

[Lee Syed]

And what does tormenting look like? Just being next to you?

[Joey Diaz]

Tormenting is just being in my fucking patois. When the whole bar has spots you could go to, when people are trying to leave the restaurant. And you gotta move every time you're in the fucking way, Right? Do you follow me? It's just fucking common sense. So it drives me fucking crazy. So now I sit in places where you can't sit behind me. I'll sit against the fucking corner with my nose in the corner like my own timeout. But you're not fucking sitting behind me no more. It drives me crazy, dog. You're in that, you know? And life has changed a lot. Like men's respect has changed. Men's. It's weird what I see. Like, I'll be talking to fucking one of the girls. I'm in there sometimes. Like, I went in there Friday afternoon and I saw my fucking. The chick that works with prescriptions, okay? V. I love her to death. I've known V since I moved to fucking Marlborough. She's the woman that comes in and says, why are you taking this? Let's eliminate you from this. So she did it for me on the arm. Helped my friend out with a job. She's dynamite. I go to eat lunch last week, I'm sitting there. V is on the other side. If there was one thing about this woman is she could eat.

[Lee Syed]

Ooh, nice.

[Joey Diaz]

She's Vietnamese. I've never seen anything like this. You see that? That's really that camera stand, okay? She had a steak, and I heard her tell the waiter. Hold on. Bring it over to the other side. I'm gonna sit with Joey. I was having that Philly cheesesteak on semolina bread.

[Lee Syed]

Nice.

[Joey Diaz]

Jesus. With steak fries on that motherfucker. With red hot. Not the long ones, but the cherry peppers. You have no idea. You have no idea.

[Lee Syed]

And what did she have? She had a steak and cheese with you.

[Joey Diaz]

She came over. She already ate a steak. She came home and got all the chicken Milanese with the fucking big chicken cutlet and the arugula on top.

[Lee Syed]

Nice.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, I don't even know what the fuck we're talking about, what the point of this stupid story is.

[Lee Syed]

The stuff you see with men. I saw, okay?

[Joey Diaz]

I'm talking to her, okay? I must have been talking to her, you know, 30 minutes, then I had to leave. I don't know how many fucking people interrupted us. Like, I can't tell you now. This chick is married, kids. If you go on Instagram, it's her and her kids. She's Vietnamese and her husband's Taiwanese, right? The kids are beautiful. I met the girls. I know the girls. I see them out. This chick is out every fucking day rocking it with $800 shoes on. You know, she's one of those. And this ain't credit card. This Is real. In fact, she bought me lunch that day.

[Lee Syed]

Damn.

[Joey Diaz]

She's like, I'm coming over here to bother you. But she was like, telling me she's happy to see me alive, dog. I don't know how many times people interrupt this. I don't know how many times a guy sat next to her. And I told her, like, when I went home, she sent me a picture she took. And I go, it was great seeing you. Thank you for lunch, you know, but Jesus fucking Christ. She goes, that was annoying. And I'm like, these people have no couth anymore. If I walk into a place and I see Shawn, George, Nick, or you talking to a woman, I'm not coming over. Do you understand me? That's the school of thought that we were raised. Like, if you're talking to a woman, I'm not coming over. Why would I even come over? He's telling his life story. You ever been in a bar? You're telling a chicken your life story. You need me coming over. I just saw you Monday night. It was great. And the chick's like, who's this retard? You know, why even get into that? Yeah, if you bring her around again and you want to introduce her, that's fine. But if I see you with somebody I've never seen you with, I will refuse to go over there. And that's the way I was all my fucking life.

[Lee Syed]

I was gonna say, even, like, it doesn't have. I mean, a woman, obviously, but even a guy. Like, I don't like interrupting anybody almost ever do I go up, they don't give a fuck.

[Joey Diaz]

It's like, nobody raised you. And it's just fucking buck wild. But it's so weird that I could be talking to a woman and we were just talking about prescriptions, my hospital stay. You know, her daughter fucking won a thing of ballet. I mean, you know, it's not like I'm hitting on her or talking about her, you know?

[Lee Syed]

Right.

[Joey Diaz]

And I Dog, you don't know how many guys will stop over there. And I'm like, who fucking raised you? I could look at you and George and know George is telling you a story about Pepe the chef. I could go over there, but there's something that you guys might be interested in. I'm not gonna go over there and interrupt or ask a stupid question.

[Lee Syed]

No.

[Joey Diaz]

And as a waiter or whatever the fuck I'm doing, I'm not going to do that either. Go to a restaurant with your wife, Try to propose to her. Try to tell her you want to eat her asshole, but take eight, three minutes to do it. The waiter will come and interrupt you with something. Do you want water? Listen, I'm trying to throw water in her asshole and you want to come over and ask me if I want water? Do you not read the fucking table? Are you not reading the fucking room right? Did I even pee yet?

[Lee Syed]

I don't think so.

[Joey Diaz]

All right, we gotta take a breather here. Number two, I gotta talk to you about DraftKings. It's Super bowl weekend. Shit's going off cracker lacking this weekend. You got invited to a Super bowl party?

[Lee Syed]

No, I don't think so.

[Joey Diaz]

You. Anybody having a Super bowl party?

[Lee Syed]

You doing one solo?

[Joey Diaz]

Are you having one? Really? I got invited to the Florentines. Have one every year. It's huge. I go, oh, that's right. George went to one of them. I fucked him up. And I kept saying to him, george, go tell him a story. He didn't want to say a fucking word that day. There must have been a hundred people there. And I made George eat, like, the strongest fucking edible I could find. And he was fucked up, and there was pizza food everywhere. And I'm like, george, get in there. He's like, I don't want to move. Anyway, we'll be right back. What's happening? Beautiful people. Listen, Uncle Joey's here to tell you it's going to be a huge weekend. You could win a few bucks on the big game on Sunday and get in on UFC 3. 1 2, 3 12. Action. DraftKings sportsbook. Listen, when it comes to sports betting, you gotta use DraftKings. As far as I'm concerned, the goods. They're the official sports betting partner of the ufc. The men's middleweight and women's strawweight titles will be on the line. So it's time to make your predictions. Don't tell me. Get on DraftKings. Download the app right now. Ba, ba ba. Download the DraftKings sports app. That's what don't everybody wants to tell me. I got this. I got that. Don't tell me, tell DraftKings. All right, download the DraftKings sportsbook app and press Code Joey. Jennifer Oey. That's Code Joey for new customers to get 200 in bonus bets instantly when you just bet a fin to get in, who's better than you? So that's $5, 200 in bonus bets. It's a big weekend. Only on DraftKings sportsbook. Where the crown is yours.

[Lee Syed]

Gambling problem. Call 1-800- GAMBLER in New York, call 877-8-HOPENY or text hopeny 467-369. In Connecticut, help is available for problem gambling. Call 888-78977 or visit ccpg.org Please play responsibly on behalf of Boot Hill Casino and resort in Kansas, 21 and over. Age and eligibility varies by jurisdiction.

[Joey Diaz]

Boyd.

[Lee Syed]

In Ontario, new customers only. Bonus pets expire 168 hours after issuance. For additional terms and responsible gaming resources, see DKNG CO Audio.

[Joey Diaz]

We're back, bitches. It's going to be a tremendous game. We got Philadelphia against Kansas City. What time does this fucking thing start? Yeah, by that time, you know, I've already, you know. You lose your enthusiasm.

[Lee Syed]

Really?

[Joey Diaz]

Six fucking thirty. I gotta wait all day. Florentines party starts at one. By six o'clock they're fucking crawling over there.

[Lee Syed]

Yeah, starts at one o'clock.

[Joey Diaz]

They probably get together at one. People still bringing food. You eat? I never stay for the. It's two. I just sat here for three hours, right? You think I'm gonna sit here now and then the halftime show, you know? You're out of your fucking mind, man. You're out of your fucking mind. I'm just not in the mood this year. I love Philadelphia and Kansas City. They just. It's like the chick, the dude, it's.

[Lee Syed]

Too much Taylor Swift and Kelce.

[Joey Diaz]

It's just too much as a whole. It's just. It doesn't feel like football anymore.

[Lee Syed]

I get it. See, that's why I'm all excited for.

[Joey Diaz]

After school movie, you know?

[Lee Syed]

So that doesn't make you excited for Philadelphia?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, it makes me excited for Philadelphia. I hope Philadelphia fucking kills them. But, you know, I mean, right now, they. Listen, they might trick you. They gave you. Everybody was complaining about calls last game that the refs didn't call it. Maybe this fucking game, they call it and Philadelphia steamrolls them. You know, everybody would like to bet. I don't even know. I think Philadelphia's giving one and a half one. Philadelphia's getting one. So who knows, right? Who fucking knows? You know, I don't know. I don't know what I'm gonna do for the Super Bowl. I don't want to be out out like an hour away from my house. No, because once shit starts getting wild, I just want to zip in the car and pew. You don't even know I'm there. And you won't even see me leave. I'll tell you. I gotta go upstairs for a can opener.

[Lee Syed]

How long does it Take for people to realize you're gone. Did you ever get a call, like, 20 minutes later, like, where did he go?

[Joey Diaz]

Where'd you go? Listen, I had to go, all right? When you gotta go, you gotta go. I'm one of those dudes, and as I get older. This started with me when I was a kid just leaving. So much that you could fucking take. Like, I could just sit here for so long.

[Lee Syed]

But why don't you say goodbye?

[Joey Diaz]

You can leave, but that's another 35 minutes. Bullshit. Because they're all drunk and I'm not. What are we getting together? Call me. Listen, I got a house. It's got a yard. I got penguins. You could swim. Bring your kid, you know? And meanwhile, they're doing coke and they're fucking. You know. What the fuck is wrong with you? It's easier to leave before I take that ear. Beatin'right, I make an excuse. I went to this Avillo, who was on the podcast a few weeks ago, did a. A show in Bay Ridge. It's by Seaside Park. It's an hour from my house. How can I not go? Not support the kid, right? I'm not there fucking three minutes, and I got the whole waitstaff on me. And I'm like, guys, there's a band after the fucking show, on the way out, I'll go into the kitchen, I'll take pictures with all these. All right, all right. I come out, they're being cool, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah. Avilo did one set, I sat behind. I talked to a lot of the guys I hadn't seen for years. Then for the second set, I said, let me go over there. I walk over to the bar and I hide, and they're playing, and the villa is fucking great. Gotta go see him one night. He's fucking great. He's been doing this all his life. So, you know, he's got to be great at it. And I'm sitting there getting into the music, and all of a sudden, like, high school people come up. I want to take a picture of my son. I go, give it a breather. Let me take the fucking. Let me watch a Villa's band. And then they're drunk, so they don't understand what I'm saying to them. If I take a picture with you right here, I'm never going to get out of here. Can you please not take it here? No, we want to take it right now. And I just walk away from him. They have no idea. I just walk away from him, you know? And then one of the kids from North Bergen, who I love, started dancing. And rule number one, when he starts dancing, it's time to go. And it wasn't even.

[Lee Syed]

What kind of dancing is he doing?

[Joey Diaz]

That's not even discussing. Nah, nah. So as I'm walking out, right, I hear a fucking commotion. I'm like, what the fuck is that? And ba boom. And I look down. It's one of my friends from high school. He just got knocked the fuck out. I used to run with this guy. I used to run with this guy. We used to snort coke together. We went to concerts together. And he's on the fucking floor like this, like, fucking shaking his shit. And listen, I ain't no attorney and I ain't no fucking whatever. So I just. The ambulances was. The ambulance wasn't there yet. They were yelling. I went over and looked at them. And it was like that scene from Friday. You got knocked the fuck out, right? It was that scene from Friday, right? And you know, what am I gonna do? Everybody's involved in that. I'm like, this is my time. Remember in the old days there was a saying, George, Remember when you had to leave, you had a tip, huh? It's time to tip. Tipping doesn't include fucking saying goodbye or hugging Pierre Cardin and making a scene. We love you. Make sure you come. I don't need that, right? Let's zip. Let's zip. And that adds to the fucking patois. He was just standing right there, right? Just saw him smoking a joint. What do you mean, he left?

[Lee Syed]

I'm still a little bit held up on your buddy getting knocked the fuck out at a concert.

[Joey Diaz]

Hold on. This wasn't a concert. It was an outdoor event in Jersey and Seaside, which. Listen, anybody who knows Jersey knows all those events. It ends when somebody gets knocked out. There's always a good fist fight at the end.

[Lee Syed]

A good fist fight? Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

So he ends up on the floor. And right away, I'm looking, I'm looking, I'm like, I gotta pee anyway. And I was like, right, I gotta pee. He's dead. I gotta pee. It's over. I'm fucking 60. I got no time to stand around, pee. So as I walk to the back, nobody says a word to me. And I go to the bathroom, I pee. I walk out and I go like this. And my car is walking distance. Ain't no reason to walk back.

[Lee Syed]

No, you got too far.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm not gonna walk a hundred yards now to sit there and get tortured. And as I was getting in the car, the Ambulance was coming, and I'm like, I ain't got no time for these hoes.

[Lee Syed]

Why did he get knocked out?

[Joey Diaz]

I don't know.

[Lee Syed]

You have no idea?

[Joey Diaz]

He got knocked out. He said something to somebody. Nobody really got the whole story. I never really got. I know he went to the hospital and they checked him out, you know.

[Lee Syed]

And do you send flowers or anything?

[Joey Diaz]

No, no, no. He was the dude that we did. I was about 17, and we did Double Sunshine Acid Jesus on the blotter. It was two hits of acid rolled into one. Really?

[Lee Syed]

Sure.

[Joey Diaz]

That's why they called it Double Barrel. Double Barrel. Whatever the fuck it was, we ate it. And we went to that movie in Fairview where George's office is right now. It was next to a Carvel, but we walked out of there by 1:30 in the morning, right? And the acid was on fire. And we got to walk down Bergen Boulevard to North Bergen border and then walk to where Louis lived at the time on 83rd Street. It was me, him, and Kurt DiLorenzo, God rest his soul. And we're right about where the old diner was. It's still a diner. That and right on Bergen Boulevard, whatever that diner is right there where we went. Boulevard Diner's been there since Jesus Loves Chicago. And it used to be open 24 hours. There was a great. They had a great cheeseburger deluxe with the mozzarella, that one. The Point. Where's the point? Fairview. I don't like the one on 7th Street. But anyway, what are we talking about here?

[Lee Syed]

We're not sure yet.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't know.

[Lee Syed]

Do we know.

[Joey Diaz]

What are we talking about here? Come on.

[Lee Syed]

No, no, no, no. You were.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, okay.

[Lee Syed]

You went to a movie.

[Joey Diaz]

So we're walking down Bergen Boulevard, and I don't know, I looked at Louis at. At fucking Kurt, and I go, I'm the acid. I go, you hear that? And Kurt looks at me, goes, yeah, I hear that. But Louie goes, I don't hear that. So we just play with it. We just ran with her. We're like, how the fuck don't you hear that? It's burning my ears. And then Kurt started with him. I'm telling you, I can't hear her either. And they went back and forth for like 10 minutes. And it had just rained, and there was a huge pothole and it had two inches of water. And this motherfucker dropped to his knees and started throwing cold water in his face. We're on the acid. Fucking quack, quack, quack, quack, quack. We're dying, and this guy's splashing water. And he comes back and he goes, I still don't fucking hear it. I'm like, it's loud. And this motherfucker took off down Bergen Boulevard to Kennedy to wherever his destination was. We just walked home. We're like, we don't know what happened to that fucking dude.

[Lee Syed]

What if he never. He might never have recovered from that.

[Joey Diaz]

No, he recovered okay. Yeah.

[Lee Syed]

But then did you tell him eventually that.

[Joey Diaz]

That.

[Lee Syed]

No, it wasn't.

[Joey Diaz]

But then he moved to Miami. You know, that's like getting a concussion and then moving to Miami and putting 18,000 coke rocks in your head. That ain't gonna help it either.

[Lee Syed]

You know what is dull? So you're doing two hits at once.

[Joey Diaz]

This was every weekend we did something different because the people we bought the acid from always. This is a college. There was a bro, somebody came up to me recently, and they go, east Stroudsburg. You know, I started laughing and I thought about it, like, how creepy that was. That point in my life was fucking creepy. My mother had just died. I'm living with my neighbor, you know, I fucking do a move and I end up with 20 grand, right? And I'm like, how does this happen? And a buddy of mine was selling mescaline. I got sick and tired of buying it from him. So I asked him one day, I'm looking for more exotic type shit. And he goes, well, I'll take you to East Stroudsburg. And I remember we went. It was like a two hour drive. We were kids, and he was older than I was, and we knocked on his fucking door. But what I remember there was all Jersey and New York City plates. I'm like, what the fuck? When you went in there, it was a house this big, a little bigger. And you sat on the couch and took a number jack. And when you went into the war room, it was real. It was like acid black beauties, which made you fucking lose your mind.

[Lee Syed]

And this was just a house.

[Joey Diaz]

This was a house. And the two kids made this shit during the week. And on Saturdays they had their big sale. And kids came from New York and New Jersey to cop from this fucking guy. This went on for years. I don't even listen. I outgrew fucking all that stuff like sophomore year. But let me give you an example of how much money I was making. The ups the Black Beauties were $35 for 1,000. I would sell you $100 for $35. And I was selling them for a dollar apiece. They go all day. The wrestlers, they gotta lose weight.

[Lee Syed]

Jesus.

[Joey Diaz]

So I had the wrestling season. That's my big season. I got those motherfuckers tiktoking. I had them all doing Adderall before they knew what Adderall was. Guess what this is. Black Beauty. Made by two albinos. These kids did so many drugs, they lost the color. They looked like they were 80 and they were 28. They had no color in their eyes. They were like fucking clear eyes. They were those albino people, you know, I didn't ask questions. It was $80 for 100 hits of mescaline. You sold them for $3 apiece. If you went to school three days in a row in high school, you sold those every day. By the time you'd walk in, there'd be 10 chicks. Hi, do you have any mescaline? We want to go to Hudson county park today and drink. Okay, 10. Here, I'll throw in two more.

[Lee Syed]

Would you test it like before? Not test it, but would you take one to be.

[Joey Diaz]

Fuck yeah. That's the first thing I did. I loved those motherfuckers. Loved them. Lee fucking loved. I went on a fucking.

[Lee Syed]

The pills of the dealers.

[Joey Diaz]

The what?

[Lee Syed]

Who do you love?

[Joey Diaz]

I loved the whole idea of doing acid. I loved it. Life was simple. Life was very simple. You went up to Kennedy Boulevard by Ashways. You walked into the pinball place Wizards. There was always a creepy guy in there when you were young that, you know, he knew he molested a kid or something. You know, in those days they didn't have, like, whatever the fuck they have now. You didn't know what was going on. And then, you know, you went to Hudson county park and whatever. And then it became bigger, like in freshman year. So I was eating all this mescaline. I just said, fuck it. It was just a little thing in aluminum foil, and there was a circle and some of them were purple, some of them were red. And you took your chance every fucking weekend. You lived on the edge, bitch. You fucking took them and walked down Berger Line Avenue and, you know, stopped at Sal's Pizza and Carvel and walked into Schlesinger's and, you know, went in there and looked at sneakers. I can't wait to get those. Yeah. And how old were you? Your father don't even have a job. How you gonna get those sneakers? This is Schlesinger's, motherfucker.

[Lee Syed]

How old were you for this?

[Joey Diaz]

From the age of freshman summer to.

[Lee Syed]

So you're like 14 and you have.

[Joey Diaz]

A hundred to fucking. From the age of freshman summer. That whole summer I tripped that whole summer everybody was eating mescaline three nights a week. And I loved it. And then there was another drug you did. You did fucking gorilla biscuits. You did THC crystal, which AKA was angel dust. And you had to go to the city for that shit or the bar on 22nd. And it was in Union City. There was a bar down there.

[Lee Syed]

I'm not even trying to be funny. Was that like, like the turning point of your life that summer? I can't imagine cripping every night and doing more other drugs.

[Joey Diaz]

I fucking worked for a Mason that summer.

[Lee Syed]

That's kind of normal, right?

[Joey Diaz]

My freshman going into sophomore year was one of my best summers. I worked for a Mason. I lived at home. I wasn't eating steakums no more. My mom was cooking. And I would get home at six. I think I made 75 bucks a day my freshman year. And I would fucking go to. I would go out at night. I was in great shape. I played basketball. I lifted weights. Ba ba ba ba ba ba. You walk these fucking hills. And then, I don't know, I liked the music. Then I fucking got into Pink Floyd. And that was it, dog. I'm not gonna fuck around with smoking numbers. We're gonna go deep into the murky waters of the underworld.

[Lee Syed]

At 14 you had graduated from weed. You're like 15.

[Joey Diaz]

I already have. Full fledged up mescaline business. Acid business, okay? And I got rid of everything at the high school. It was like, just go to school and you'll make money. That's how I looked at it. I went to school to make money. You always had a tab at hash waste. You paid on Friday, you know what I'm saying? So you could run the mill a little bit.

[Lee Syed]

You keep saying things that really aren't. Like a tab is cool, but you're also talking about having a multiple drug dealing business.

[Joey Diaz]

That my mom had no idea.

[Lee Syed]

I would hope so.

[Joey Diaz]

And how I really fueled. It was my freshman February. I hit the number on my birthday and it was a $5,000 number. I had to give the bookie 500 and I had to give my mom two grand. And she made me put two grand in hub. The Hudson United bank on 32nd street in Bergen Avenue. Who do you think you're dealing with? I even had my own little safety deposit box. There was nothing in there. I'm the only idiot that has a safety deposit box.

[Lee Syed]

You didn't put one thing in the box?

[Joey Diaz]

Nothing. Nothing. I was gonna put like my diploma, but Then I didn't graduate, so what the fuck? And then I put the 2,500 in there. I put two grand in there. And she would get the book. In those days, they gave you a book and they'd tell you. So it stayed at two grand. I was pretty good. And then I said, fuck it. If I buy bulk, I make more money and I have other people I could sell it to. In those days, I had a guy in Guttenberg that would sell anything. Guttenberg was a creepy town. People did anything in Guttenberg, and this guy was the fucking main dump. I remember one night bumping into him. We were smoking weed out of a pipe. First off, we're fucking freshmen in high school. It's 90 degrees out, it's three in the morning. We're in like one of these corner blocks and there's 10 of us out. And he's smoking, smoking, smoking. And he goes, you got any mescaline? I go, yeah. He goes, let me get three hits. And he took two right in front of me at three in the morning. And he was taking the other one and he was crunching it up. I go, what are you doing with that? He goes, I'm gonna put it in the bowl and smoke it. You want to hit? And I'm like, no, I already did like three of these motherfuckers. I still gotta walk through the cemetery. And we used to put ourselves to the test too. We weren't these little faggy guys that went to a rave. If you're gonna go deep with Uncle Joey, we're gonna go deep. We're gonna take you to the projects and park and go behind the fence and walk behind that little cemetery for a little hike.

[Lee Syed]

Unmasculine.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, yeah. Woo. When you see, like, devil worshipers and shit.

[Lee Syed]

They sound like fun to you?

[Joey Diaz]

Fuck yeah.

[Lee Syed]

When you're trippin'what, is it like on mescaline? Is it just acid?

[Joey Diaz]

It's acid. It's acid without the roller skates.

[Lee Syed]

That explains a lot. Holy shit.

[Joey Diaz]

But life was simple. And I'll tell you why it doesn't.

[Lee Syed]

Sound simple to me.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, let me tell you how simple it was, okay? You went out, it was $3. A six pack was $2. Anybody had $5, your father would give you five. You got to mow the lawn. I didn't see you take the garbage out. Dad, just give me the finger.

[Lee Syed]

Right?

[Joey Diaz]

So you could. In those days, you went out for $5 and you had Nick. You could put the pizza on the arm at Nick. So I want you to think of the whole fucking scenario. Here we were having a great time for no money. You went to Albertsons. You robbed it. You went to Hudson County Park. It was that easy. What were we robbing? I robbed a fucking kettle of wine one time. But I didn't know it was that Julio Gallo red shit. And I drank it with the kid. With the kid. I told him he was deaf and he ran, that idiot. I'll never forget, we drank that whole thing at Hudson County Park. I had a headache. I couldn't even lift my head off the pillow. I never drank wine again.

[Lee Syed]

I don't blame you.

[Joey Diaz]

I was like, jesus, on Thursday.

[Lee Syed]

Jesus. So you're saying, like, it just. It was cheap to go out. So that's why I put it out. They're cheap.

[Joey Diaz]

And for me, I was getting them for 80 cents a piece so I could eat four of them. And I built my tolerance the same way I did with edibles, right? When I was 15, I was building my tolerance with that shit. When I met George, we were going fucking off. I was going off on that shit.

[Lee Syed]

Why wouldn't you? Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And cocaine was on the horizon.

[Lee Syed]

Okay?

[Joey Diaz]

Okay. Cocaine was lurking, but there was another drug that intercepted in there, and it was called the Quaalute.

[Lee Syed]

Okay?

[Joey Diaz]

And that's when we really went fucking off.

[Lee Syed]

How often were Quaaludes happening?

[Joey Diaz]

Every time you wanted them. But at that time, I would only do them, like on a. I would do them on an off night. I wouldn't do on a Friday or Saturday night because those are busy nights. I didn't want to do a quail around a lot of people. So I would take them like on a Tuesday night, like ladies night. You know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syed]

Right?

[Joey Diaz]

And you take one of those and you drink two Alabama Slammers. Bam, Bam. You know what I'm saying? The love drug.

[Lee Syed]

Jesus. I think if I. You were the first story you told about you being out at 3 in the morning with 10 of your friends smoking weed out of a pipe.

[Joey Diaz]

And it was like I was with one person, right? These were all neighborhood kids. Like three from 88th street, two from the projects and three from Guttenberg. And all of a sudden, we just meet. We just meet.

[Lee Syed]

That would be the coolest thing I did in high school. Just that we didn't meet on purpose.

[Joey Diaz]

We were walking the streets. Because if you walked on Kenny Boulevard, the cops would pull over, right? Cause we were fucking 13, 14. So you gotta walk the side streets in North Bergen. North Bergen had a lot of side streets. Woo. Woo.

[Lee Syed]

Oh, my God. That's two years away from how old Mercy is.

[Joey Diaz]

I know. It scares the shit out of me. You know what I was thinking about the other day? Mercy's 12. I mean, guys, she hears me talking. She hears me on the phone. She knows we got. We get into deep discussions lately. We got into one the other day about promiscuous women in the car. It was fucking deep. And she kept looking at me like, dad, you're serious? He's just talking shit. And damn, I was looking at him like, she's fucking 12. When I was 13, I used to walk home with a girl, hold her hand, and I would swap. No, we didn't swap spit. We just kissed and held each other. You know, that shit wasn't even in my mind. But the last day of school, she was supposed to make out with me, but she double crossed me, God damn it. She left me for a guy on roller skates. As she met at the Paramus Roller skating rink, circa 1977. You know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syed]

She was really skating on the rink and met a guy.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. Cause that was the cool thing to do, though. There was no Quaaludes. You had a fucking lure. Men on charm, or you had a dance. You had to fucking dress nice.

[Lee Syed]

So why weren't you on the rink? Why weren't you skating?

[Joey Diaz]

I did go there one time, but there was a guy with a wig and he fell and the wig came off and people were skating around him and he kept trying to put the wig on. And I'm like, you know what? I ain't going there no more. I'd rather go to Atlantic City, have a midget stand behind me and play blackjack and lose all my money. You know what I'm saying? What do you got this weekend, Elite? Talk to me.

[Lee Syed]

I'm going to be in Poughkeepsie at Laughing Up, February 8, 7pm Show. I think it's gonna be a great show.

[Joey Diaz]

Poughkeepsiepsy. Oh, you got a hotel up there?

[Lee Syed]

No.

[Joey Diaz]

You're coming right back?

[Lee Syed]

I believe so. Because, yeah, the super bowl is the next day, so I might get one, but I'll probably just come back now.

[Joey Diaz]

You don't want to watch Super Bowl? Poughkeepsie?

[Lee Syed]

No, I'm coming back either way.

[Joey Diaz]

What are you gonna do for Super Bowl Sunday?

[Lee Syed]

We're just gonna have wings, I think, and not. You're just gonna eat some stuff and watch it at home.

[Joey Diaz]

We're just gonna have wings.

[Lee Syed]

Fuck it. You're not Looking forward to that. You don't have anything food wise, you look forward to for the Super Bowl? Because I don't get to eat wings that much anymore.

[Joey Diaz]

Who?

[Lee Syed]

I don't get to eat wings that much anymore.

[Joey Diaz]

There's good wings by my house, guys. There's one spot that nobody talks about their wing. First of all, the blue cheese is off the hook in that.

[Lee Syed]

Nice.

[Joey Diaz]

That's right next to the Jewish place. But we'll talk about that next time, you know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syed]

Love it.

[Joey Diaz]

So far so good. I'm alive and kicking. I'm huffing and puffing, but I'll get there. So we're still on for February 12th in Jersey City and then the 15th in fucking Philadelphia. Jessame Peluso is showing up. She's flying in for the show.

[Lee Syed]

Nice.

[Joey Diaz]

Smoke some weed with that skinny bitch. Take her out to eat a couple nights cause she's too skinny. I saw a video she made today. I'm like, judge somebody. Stop eating the fucking. What's she eating out there? Peanuts and fucking. What's going on in California?

[Lee Syed]

It's terrible.

[Joey Diaz]

And what about if we forgot about the whole. Fuck. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm sorry. I know we got sponsors. We gotta get outta here. But did anybody see fuckin Will Smith's son?

[Lee Syed]

What happened to him? I didn't see anything. Was he at the. Was it at the Grammys? I really should have watched the Grammys, dog.

[Joey Diaz]

He wore a house on his head. But listen, once you wear a house and a white chick shows up naked. Listen. He must have sat. It's like going to a Jet game. They lose, you gotta get back on the train on the way home with your jersey. J uts. They lost 82 to nothing and they're still there with their jersey on. I fucking zipped that jersey off and light it on fire at the stadium.

[Lee Syed]

So he was wearing like what, like a. Like a Barbie, like dollhouse on his head or something, dog.

[Joey Diaz]

It is disturbing that his parents let him out of the house. It's disturbing what people do for attention now. It's disturbing. Like I saw three minutes of the Grammys and how they acted like. And you see yourself going, man, I lived in that for 23 fucking years. I felt really bad because when I first moved here, I was angry. I was just angry. And I wasn't angry at California, but it came off like that. I was never angry at California. I was angry in the world that I had lived in for fucking 20 of those years. And how people would never understand that the cut where I come from and that world, they don't mix whatsoever. My world and that world is not mixed. For me, it was a job. I'm an idiot. I'm a felon. I had to do something. I picked stand up. Oh, they want you to audition for a movie. Oh, Jed's a millionaire. I don't fucking know. This could have happened to anybody. You understand? I'm trying to say to you, right?

[Lee Syed]

It just sort of happened.

[Joey Diaz]

It just sort of happened. Okay, so you come from this, you know, now I gotta change my views as a human being. I gotta vote for Kamala, because if not, I won't be in the cool circle or. I always gotta say something to get people, like, wearing that fucking hat. Where's your father? What? He smacked Chris Rock, but he won't smack this fucking kid. This is the kid that needs to get smacked the shit out of ten times, kicked, punched. You fucking cocksucker. Get out of this fucking house. But you can't do that to your children today. They'll throw you under the jail. Look at him. I'll be by the door. Where the fuck are you going with that thing on your head? Dad, it's the Grammys. Come here for a second. Honey, can you please go down the fucking path? Mark, do whatever you need to do. You want her to leave? Go. Let me talk to you. And right there, you just start punching them like. Punching them like, what the fuck is wrong with you? Half those people that were there. It's really sad because I told my wife, those people will never leave L. A Because it's very hard. They got to take that mask off. Once you put that mask on to live, once you start wearing the glasses, once you start believing your hype like that, it's over. It's over for you. You just. You buy into everything, dog. Next thing you know, Free Palestine, dog. I'm over here trying to get my dick sucked. What's it got to do with Free Palestine? This is not the time of the place. Do everybody else go down to nyu, jump up and down? You know what I'm saying? What are you bothering me for? It's fucking insane. We lived in that league. We saw it. You saw it. Oh, my God. You know, you saw it. And I would look at you and go, what the fuck is this? Two years ago, this guy wouldn't let me in here. Now I'm Jesus Christ. They want to rub your feet and give you. Oh, we bought you a gift. Two years ago. You Wouldn't book me. But now you're selling tickets. I saw a ton of those guys that they had to look me in the face, bro, that was a great show. No, it wasn't. You know what I'm saying? So for years I lived with that. And then I moved here, and it took me about a year to see what the fuck had happened. Even to me. For a while, it got me with the videos. I get up in the morning to smoke dope at 6 in the morning. Who does that? Who does that? I looked at that one day and I go, my mother didn't hug me. What the fuck happened? And that was it. I love doing the podcast. I love doing this. I just, you know, and it's so weird. Like, now I see people and how hard they're pushing. Don't stop. Look at Instagram. How many fucking people post all fucking day? And not just one picture. It's 22. Them going to a day bagel shop, them petting the dog. You know what I'm saying? You know, not a picture of them taking in the ass. Nothing. Not one good fucking picture. It's just. I don't know what the fuck is going on. That Grammy really bothered me.

[Lee Syed]

I can see that.

[Joey Diaz]

And that fucking. Because my daughter was watching it, and I don't want her to buy into that shit.

[Lee Syed]

What does she think when you say all these things to her? Cause I feel like you've said, like, most of this to her.

[Joey Diaz]

I didn't say it in this manner. She's 12. I can't talk to her like this. I'll scare the fuck out of her, right? I talk to her like a dad. Like, I keep my fucking thing. She doesn't get snooty with me. She pushes the mom.

[Lee Syed]

Oh, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, yeah. She called my wife because my wife took her to a concert. First of all, it was my responsibility to take her. But my wife's like, I'll take her. Okay, take her. My wife took her and some other girl, and they all got dressed up like bears at this concert. And she walked in there. I'm not gonna say the concert in Philadelphia, Doug. My wife came home and was crying. You can't do that to my wife, dog. What was a fucking Christian from the South. It shocked her central nervous system.

[Lee Syed]

Oh, the bears.

[Joey Diaz]

Just.

[Lee Syed]

I don't know what's happening.

[Joey Diaz]

Men. There were three guys in front of her with beards and a dress on, jumping up and down. That destroyed her insides. You know, it was just one after the other. They stopped the show. For Free Palestine. It was like, nonstop. It just destroyed. My wife had a bottle at home on the way because there was another little chubby girl in the car. Another one. And they had a bottle at home until my wife dropped the girl off. And then she went off on mercy in the car, like, mercy. What the fuck is this? Are you part of the lgbtq? No, mom, but you have to let them be free. And by the time they got home, they were arguing. And she called my wife a. Whatever one you hate. Transphobic. Whoa, did that house blow up upstairs for like 10 minutes. My wife came down crying. She goes, you better talk to her. Cause I'm about to bang her head off the fucking wall. I said, listen, take the wallet, get the fuck out of the house. She was upset, like, she. Her central nervous system locked down. My wife ain't built like that. Rock knew what I'm telling you guys. She ain't. Tina doesn't come from that school. That's why I didn't keep snorting coke, because I didn't want her to find me dead. She don't come from the school where we came from. So it was like. It shocked her. It just really did. And she's like, that's it. You know? And so I don't know. I think my wife had a talk with her, too, about last night.

[Lee Syed]

Damn.

[Joey Diaz]

Cause I don't want. You don't want your kid to sway in that way at all. I liked the chick until she said, you know, put away for starving artists. Can't you just. What's my boy that used to host the awards? The funniest host of all time, Ricky Gervais. If you watch one of the clips, one of the funniest things, he says, so my advice to you, you know, Nella Thunberg, Greta. Greta Thunberg, he goes, you know, you actors are not an educator. Greta Thunberg went to more school than you losers. He goes, so when you come up here, grab your award, thank the guy, thank your maker, thank your agent, and get the fuck off this. You never said I'm do that. He goes, get the fuck off the stage or something. What? And then he goes into the bit about that if ISIS starts a streaming service, they would all have their fucking agents on the phone. Oh, my God. And it's the truth. At the end of the day, they're just gonna go, look at them anyway. Let's not get political here. I love you motherfuckers with all my fuckers. I don't know nothing about politics. I'm gonna stick my. Listen, I know about Quaaludes. I know about double barrel sunshine. You know what I'm saying? We might do. I got some masks at the house. I got two hits of Triple X on them blue ones. That's the next episode. All right. I love you guys. I want to thank fucking the Italian princess. She was fucking great last week. I am still blown the fuck away with her. And you know what? She gave me hope for my daughter. I could. I got. I got hope. I got.

[Lee Syed]

The end of this podcast has gone so many different ways.

[Joey Diaz]

That's cuz I'm up, Jack. Monday, Tuesday. Have a great day. Have a great week. We're done. We're out of here. Yo, Uncle Joey here. Listen, I want to talk to you about something as your uncle. Get your sex life in gear with Bluechew. They make it easy to be awesome in the sack I'm talking about. Little bubbles will be coming out of your muffler. This company delivers ED meds with the same active ingredients as Viagra, Cialis, Levitra, but as a chewable tablet. And here's where it's get nice. It comes right to your door. Discreet packaging, no nosy neighbors. Won't know nothing. You understand me? Even your wife won't know. Nobody knows. Listen, I love Blue Chew. Why? Because it's convenient. It's right there and it tastes good. You can pop it with water, you could pop it with spit. You know what I'm saying? You could be under the rock and come out of that rock slinging jack. So you can take it anytime, day and night and get ready to transform your game. You know what I'm saying? You know what it's like to have a cape on and just walk around your apartment naked? Think about that. Get some Bluechew. Bluechew just wants you to have confidence and perform at your best. So discover your [e-mail] make life easier by getting harder. Forget about it. Discover your [e-mail] and we got a special deal for church listeners. The first month of BlueChew is free. What are you talking about, Joey? Free cocksuckers. Bluechew.com for more details, important safety information. And we want to thank BlueChew for sponsoring the church again. Go to bluechew.com and let's get the party started here. All right? It's February. You got two weeks away from giving out chocolate. Forget about that. Show up with a cape, a bow tie and Blue Chew. Uncle Joey here. If you want sparks to fly, in and out of your bedroom. You need Via Via's High Love Gummy. Strengthen libido, increase blood flow and intensifies your experience. You know what I'm saying? They got THC and thc, free gummies, vapes, THCA flowers, topicals and calming drops that are made from the highest quality American sourced hemp. Whatever you're looking for, Via delivers. Listen, this is my favorite right here. These things will put you on another planet. You follow me? Is that what you want to hear? What do you want to hear? It's mellow. I run through the. No, these are good. You wake up, you're hungry, and when you wake up, you wake up like that dude from the TV show that would always wake up with drool on his face. Anyway, there's no medical card required and Via ships legally to almost every state in the United States of America. So if you're over 21, you better be over 21, you better not be 16 doing this stuff. Check out the link to VIA in our description and press code Joey J O E y to receive 15% off. And if you're new to Via, they're going to give you a little gift of your choice. All right? Who's better than Via? Nobody, yo. They'll ask you where you're headed about them. Tell them Uncle Joey sent you. This month of love, elevate your love life with Via.