Uncle Joey Diaz and his main man Lee Syatt

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Uncle Joey Diaz and His Main Man Lee Syatt"

Release Date: June 17, 2025

Hosts: Joey "Uncle Joey" Diaz (Comedian, Actor, NYT Bestselling Author) and Lee Syatt

---

1. Technical Challenges and Social Media Frustrations

The episode opens with Joey Diaz expressing his frustration with ongoing technical issues related to his Google accounts. He shares his annoyance over receiving unsolicited emails from Google, leading to complications with logging into various platforms.

• Joey Diaz (00:29): "We got to torture me with broccoli rabe and fucking $10,000 tickets... I don't even know how to put my Twitter and my Facebook on the big computer because I don't have a login information."

Lee Syatt empathizes with Joey's struggles, highlighting the common issue of forgetting passwords.

• Lee Syatt (01:07): "They don't disappear. They just get logged out. And then you have to log back in."

Joey humorously adds to the conversation by mentioning the chaotic nature of his email exchanges.

• Joey Diaz (02:04): "I just start everything new. I don't touch it once. It disappears. I start a new one."

---

2. Navigating Social Media Platforms

The hosts delve into their frustrations with different social media platforms, particularly Facebook and Instagram. Joey criticizes the divergent audiences on each platform, labeling some followers disparagingly.

• Joey Diaz (03:49): "I got idiots from grammar school following me on Facebook and family people and, like, fucking retards on Instagram."

Lee concurs, noting the distinct nature of interactions on each platform.

• Lee Syatt (03:58): "It's a different form of retard."

They also discuss the rapid changes in social media dynamics post-pandemic and its impact on content quality.

• Joey Diaz (04:24): "By May, something had happened on the Internet... just fucking talking stupidity."

---

3. Interactions in Weed Stores and Public Places

Joey recounts bizarre and unsettling encounters at local weed stores, emphasizing the unpredictable behavior of fellow patrons.

• Joey Diaz (08:26): "I had a woman who came up to me there... she just had glasses. She goes, 'I just got out of rehab on Thursday.'"

Lee shares a similar anecdote, illustrating the unpredictable nature of these interactions.

• Lee Syatt (10:21): "Oh, yeah. And I'm like, okay, can I take your number so I could call you from time to time?"

---

4. Impact of the Pandemic on Internet Usage

Discussing the shift in internet usage during the pandemic, Joey reflects on the surge of low-quality content and misinformation that followed.

• Joey Diaz (04:24): "By May, something had happened on the Internet... something happened, and we've never recovered it."

He elaborates on his strategy to avoid wasting time on the internet by turning to platforms like DraftKings instead.

• Joey Diaz (05:02): "I go on there in the morning. The first stupid thing I do, I shut it down and go on DraftKings."

---

5. Experiences with Protests and Police Encounters

The conversation shifts to the widespread protests occurring across the nation, with Joey sharing his disdain for the frequent disruptions.

• Joey Diaz (19:22): "They had a protest everywhere this weekend. Every fucking 2,000 cities, everybody had a protest."

Lee adds to the narrative by discussing the stress of witnessing such events firsthand.

• Lee Syatt (20:37): "I saw some dude doing crazy stuff in a CVS line. It freaks you out sometimes."

---

6. Family Relationships and Estrangement

A significant portion of the discussion revolves around strained family relationships. Joey opens up about cutting ties with his father due to conflicting priorities and lack of communication.

• Joey Diaz (35:20): "I had to block him. It's sad, but something I've come to terms with."

Lee shares his own experiences with family detachment, emphasizing the emotional toll it takes.

• Lee Syatt (36:25): "It's very. It's very. Because I was thinking about it this weekend because it was, you know, it's just Father's Day."

Joey reflects on the importance of "street family" over blood relatives, highlighting the deep bonds formed outside traditional family structures.

• Joey Diaz (57:28): "Because I look at all you guys as blood. I don't look at you guys as fucking, you know, he's my friend. You guys are blood."

---

7. Personal Life and Relationships with Daughter Mercy

Joey fondly discusses his relationship with his daughter, Mercy, noting her maturity and the joy she brings to his life. He contrasts her growing independence with his own challenges in maintaining familial connections.

• Joey Diaz (34:04): "She's in sixth grade. She makes me laugh a little bit more. I mean, I swear to God, I can't believe the shit she comes up with."

Lee complements Joey's sentiments, praising Mercy's natural comedic talent.

• Lee Syatt (34:37): "I love when she's... doing stand up without knowing she's doing stand up."

---

8. Identity Documents and Fear of Arrest

Joey shares a harrowing experience related to his birth certificate discrepancies and the anxiety it caused him about potential legal repercussions.

• Joey Diaz (67:09): "I realized I'm in the fucking front row, on camera, with a baggie in my fucking hand... they're gonna fucking arrest me."

He discusses the challenges of verifying identity documents and the paranoia stemming from potential misunderstandings with authorities.

• Joey Diaz (68:19): "I don't know why it said waiter on there. And something else and a bunch of bullshit from Cuba."

---

9. Reflections on Family Dynamics and Support Systems

Towards the end, Joey delves deeper into his upbringing, highlighting the supportive yet tumultuous relationship between his mother and her family. He contrasts this with the lack of support from his paternal side, underscoring the lessons learned about loyalty and self-reliance.

• Joey Diaz (55:03): "She stuck up for her sister. My aunt got raped and my mom stabbed the little guy. And half the family turned on her."

He emphasizes the value of chosen family over biological ties, reinforcing the importance of supportive friendships.

• Joey Diaz (57:28): "Families sometimes fuckin overrated... my street brothers have been."

---

10. Closing Remarks and Upcoming Plans

As the episode concludes, Joey and Lee discuss their upcoming shows and personal plans. Joey humorously reveals his intention to announce a surprise show and shares snippets about his daily routines, including his use of inhalers and other personal habits.

• Joey Diaz (84:23): "We've had guests the last two weeks... I'm doing a surprise show on the 19th... You better kiss yourself."

Lee informs listeners about his engagements, adding to the camaraderie between the hosts.

• Lee Syatt (82:50): "This week? On Thursday the 19th, I met the Shortstop Bar and Grill in Westfield."

They end on a light-hearted note, expressing their love for their audience and teasing future interactions.

• Joey Diaz (84:23): "I love the dojo with all my heart and soul. We will see you next Tuesday."

---

Notable Quotes:

• Joey Diaz (05:54): "You know, it's fucking insane."
• Lee Syatt (20:35): "Did you ever protest anything?"
• Joey Diaz (57:42): "Tell your family, go fuck themselves."
• Joey Diaz (67:47): "It's a shame that every fucking June in this country we have to fucking get into this shit now."

---

Conclusion

In this candid episode, Uncle Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt navigate through a myriad of topics ranging from technical frustrations and social media woes to deep-seated family issues and personal anecdotes. Their unfiltered conversations offer listeners a glimpse into their struggles, triumphs, and the intricate dynamics of maintaining relationships in a rapidly changing world. The blend of humor, honesty, and relatability makes this episode a compelling listen for anyone seeking both laughs and genuine friendship.

Transcript

[Joey Diaz]

What's happening, beautiful people? Uncle Joey here, my main man lee Syat Tuesday 17 June. Holy shit, the year is on fire. What's happening, beautiful people? It's a Tuesday morning. I'm feeling good, I'm looking good. What's up with you there?

[Lee Syatt]

I'm good. I'm just. I'm happy anytime I can. You I'm somewhere with you and you get annoyed really easy. I'm like, oh, it's gonna be a fun night.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, yeah.

[Lee Syatt]

When you get annoyed, I'm like, oh, this is gonna be a good one.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh yeah. I'm always fucking annoyed.

[Lee Syatt]

You know what I'm saying?

[Joey Diaz]

We got to torture me with broccoli rabe and fucking $10,000 tickets and you know, I gotta put up with this shit on a Monday that I'm trying to relax and look at that statue of Google that has been on there. It's been on fucking Google for two fucking hours. Okay? Plus, I've been getting email. I set up that computer. Oh, yeah, my wife told you.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

I got eight emails from Google. Like, we got your email. We discovered. You know what? I wasn't even looking for that fucking email. I didn't care. Beauty and the Beast. I give a fuck if it disappears. Oh, yeah, and the old church one on Google, that could disappear too at this point.

[Lee Syatt]

Well, that disappeared.

[Joey Diaz]

They all disappeared on me.

[Lee Syatt]

They don't disappear. They just get logged out. And then you have to log back in. You say things like that.

[Joey Diaz]

You have to log in. So fuck it.

[Lee Syatt]

Just create a new email.

[Joey Diaz]

Once I forget the login dog, you're done. I got. I don't even know how to put my Twitter and my Facebook on the big computer because I don't have a login information.

[Lee Syatt]

What do you mean? Like, it's not. I don't even know how that's possible. I had to get logged back into YouTube. So that's. Your wife and I were going back and forth for like an hour today trying to figure it out. That's probably all the emails you got. But, like, I don't understand how you lose everyone. I forget my password anytime.

[Joey Diaz]

A password. I get high.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Okay. When I'm setting up all that shit, I'm high. So just hit forgot password and I get what?

[Lee Syatt]

So just hit forgot password and then.

[Joey Diaz]

It starts a whole new thing. And then you got to send your email and they send it back and click the button and I gotta click it back now. I'm not just.

[Lee Syatt]

I can't you just start a new Email address every time.

[Joey Diaz]

What's that?

[Lee Syatt]

You just start, like, a new email address every time.

[Joey Diaz]

I just start everything new. I don't touch it once. It disappears. I start a new one. Then I go back and they're like, you already have, like, nine accounts. It's fucking hilarious. I got like, three IMDb accounts. I think you've got all of them. I don't know. I have no fucking idea. Who pays for these? They used to send me a note like, hey, you got 30 days to pay. They just gave up. They just stopped.

[Lee Syatt]

What do you do?

[Joey Diaz]

SAG disappeared. SAG Aftra disappeared on my computer. Just disappearing. Period. And then I tried to put it on my laptop, and I went through all that shit. Send us this. What's your firstborn? What's your favorite ice cream? They must have asked me 10 of my fucking secret codes, you know? They ask you, like, your favorite ice cream. What was your first dog's name? And I put the dog's name, and it's wrong. And I'm like, God damn it. That's the only dog I had when we came from Cuba. Hercules. Nah, wrong. And then you're sitting there scratching your head. I got nobody to call. I got no mother, I got no father, I got no grandfather. Ask what the name of that fucking dog was. So I'm fucked. I just lose the account.

[Lee Syatt]

That's amazing.

[Joey Diaz]

Or if not, they throw. You pick the six trailers. Now I gotta pick fucking six bicycles. That shit never works. And I gotta go back again. I hit the trailer, zips out, and then I hit you with a different one. Pick the flower pots. Okay, I picked the fucking flower pots again. I'm done. I don't have the patience for this shit.

[Lee Syatt]

No.

[Joey Diaz]

Now I post them on Instagram and a thing comes up. Do you want to post it on Facebook? Listen, if I want to go to Facebook, I want to been on Facebook. I don't want to post this on Facebook. I want to post this on Instagram. I got all different shit I post on Facebook. Because Facebook and Instagram are different to me, right?

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

I got idiots from grammar school following me on Facebook and family people and, like, fucking retards on Instagram. They're all retards go off.

[Lee Syatt]

It's a different form of retard.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, it's a different form of retard. But on my Facebook page, I got goofy people, like, you know, just goofy fucking people, like, from grammar school and high school, and they ask me stupid questions from time to time. I don't mind, but it's two different Twitter. I don't know what they are anymore. It's X, whatever the fuck. I don't even know what Twitter is. Who's on Twitter, what's on the only one I know. Ookie Spooky.

[Lee Syatt]

Is she still on Twitter? Good for her.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, she's still on Twitter, but I don't know the rest of you. These people are fucking crazy all over. Listen, something happened to the Internet during the pandemic. The pandemic hit us March 17th. They closed everything down around then.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

By May, something had happened on the Internet. I think people being at home for two months, something happened and we've never recovered it. There's just a lot of people on there, just. I don't know, like, just fucking talking stupidity. And you see it and you go, you know what? I don't know what's going on. I go on there in the morning. The first stupid thing I do, I shut it down and go on DraftKings. That's it. I swear to God.

[Lee Syatt]

How long do you last? Like eight minutes. Like not even 15.

[Joey Diaz]

I told you, bro. My record this week, I spent 46 minutes a day on the computer.

[Lee Syatt]

Damn.

[Joey Diaz]

That's my all time lowest record. I'm done. I got no pages to look at. That's why I got nothing to look at.

[Lee Syatt]

You can look at Google.

[Joey Diaz]

That's better. Yeah, I go to YouTube. I look at what happened with the Gambinos, the fucking. The club. Joe Rogan is hiding. Fucking this, you know, it's just YouTube is garbage. The front page of YouTube, I don't even know. And you click on the podcast and there's a guy in his basement and you're like, what the fuck, guy? The picture looked good, but I clicked on it. Hi, we're coming to you with a fucking bow haircut. The mob guy with a bow haircut. Hi. I'm in my living room. No shit. I can tell you, not in the Empire State Building.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh my God.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, it's fucking insane. And every day there's on the front page of YouTube, they're either torturing Burt, they just hate Bert. And Bert should just go away at this point. When they start making videos about you daily. That's a problem.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, for both of them. Because like, it must be because you're clicking on them and thinks you want to see like comedy TMZ stuff.

[Joey Diaz]

No, I don't want to see anything.

[Lee Syatt]

I know you.

[Joey Diaz]

I click on the music. So I go on that front page because maybe there's Something that I haven't listened to. Maybe there's just some. Couple days ago, I fucking put on Santana. Oh, yeah, I saw Santana. Braxton was on it. I just. Because I have a playlist. It just develops a playlist on YouTube of all the shit you listen to over the years. So every once in a while I'm like, I gotta listen to something else. I go to the front and I'll find like a live concert or something. I'll go on that and I'll break, you know, break up the monotony. But I don't read nothing, right? I don't read anything, okay? There's no reason to read shit. I read messages. If you send me a message and it's halfway decent, I'll read it. If it's. I was getting these messages of these people that they have proof that they. What's his name? Got killed. And I'm sitting there every morning like, who cares? What can I do? The guy from Nirvana, he got killed. It's about to bust. The truth is going to come out. We want you to be a part of that. Listen, why? What am I, a historian? I don't need to be a part of this shit. Joe Diaz broke the news. Kurt Cobain, I don't need that in my life. I really don't want it. I don't need it.

[Lee Syatt]

No, I don't believe it.

[Joey Diaz]

I get shit guys that would. There's days my wife comes down and she knows. She's like, what's going on? I go, you have no idea. You just have no idea the shit people send me and what I'm forced to read. Because I have to give you the benefit of the doubt. I get a lot. Listen, my mother died. I don't know what to do. That's fine. My father died. I got a nephew who's sick. We'll talk. But you get people that. I think they forget I'm 62. I think they forget that I'm a fucking old geezer. I got no teeth. I think they forget that I'm at home.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, I don't think they forget. I just think they, like. I don't know if they're crazy or what it is, but, like, I had some guy today who was very nice, but he was real sweaty and just came up and just started talking. It was like. It freaks you out sometimes, Doug.

[Joey Diaz]

I had a guy yesterday at the weed store. I went to the weed store. Now I hate going to this weed store. They have different weed. So I go there. Like, I didn't Go from January. I stopped going. I got sick in January, and I go, I don't need to go up there no more. Because every time you go up there, it's fucking craziness. It's in Freehold. I like the wheat store. The wheat store is phenomenal. What I have noticed the last three times I've been there is that business is terrible. Yeah, business is terrible. There used to be lines in there. Three fucking lines. The last three times I've been in there, I've been the first one in the line when I get in there. That's not good. But even with the lower amount of people, you still got fucking lunatics that go in there. I had a woman who came up to me there, maybe like, April, and just talked this crazy shit. Like, I had known her. She's like, hi, Joey. She goes, you know, I just got out of rehab. Well, what the fuck are you doing at a weed store? Okay.

[Lee Syatt]

It's like that woman who at the haha. That time, with a bandage around her head that you abandoned me with.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, yeah, no, no, but this was. This was even crazy, really. This lady came up to me, she's like, hi, Joey. I've seen you on Rogan. Nice to meet you. Where do you live? Marlboro. I live in whatever, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah. And right into it, she goes, I just got out of rehab on Thursday. I go, what'd you go to rehab for? She goes, alcohol and pills. Like, all right. And she's like, now I gotta go home and deal with a husband I don't love.

[Lee Syatt]

Nice to meet you.

[Joey Diaz]

And I'm like, okay. And she just went on from there and took it like I was a therapist.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And I'm sitting there going, what did I do? Like, what, do I have a fucking white jacket on?

[Lee Syatt]

Like.

[Joey Diaz]

And this went on for 15 minutes. You let it go, huh?

[Lee Syatt]

I can't. I bring up a chewing gum or something, and you let me go for, like, eight seconds. You let this woman go for, like, 15 minutes?

[Joey Diaz]

I was trying to be nice. She got out of rehab. She had glasses. I couldn't smack her, you know? You know, I just. You got to be nice to some people and listen to them and hear the mouth. Some people might tell you something that's interesting, but this lady was telling me everything about her fucking life. And at night, he treats me like a hooker, you know? And I'm like, oh, well, that's. He goes, he treats me like a hooker. It's not even up to me. I'll never forget the conversation. It's not even up to me. I got out of rehab, he was all over me. I'm like, okay, can I take your number so I could call you from time to time? I go, listen, I'm married. My wife, you know, a fucking animal, okay?

[Lee Syatt]

She'll fucking kill you.

[Joey Diaz]

I'll see you again. And okay, that was it. But Sunday was brutal. Cause it was raining. And this motherfucker pulled up with, like, a wife beater and, like, a shirt unbuttoned, okay? He's like, joey Diaz, how you doing? And he's just, listen, man, what you talk about is deep. And I could relate to you, you know, the Jersey strong. I'm like, what? And he's like, jersey Strong on the 79 and the 18. I'm like, I don't know. And he goes, come in there. I'm the mayor of that place. I went to do shit. Anybody you need to know, man? He goes, I know everybody. Bon Jovi, everybody. You come in there and I'll introduce you. And all of a sudden, I'm looking at him, and he went into something else. He said, my father was into psychedelics. And he went into that shit. And the fucking phone rang, thank God, and it was Nicky Pork Chops. And I'm like, I'm gonna give this motherfucker a bonus. This guy just saved my life. And he's like, oh, hey, you could take that. No shit. I just zipped the window in his face. My whole arm was drenched from the fucking car was drenched. Cause he wanted to talk. It's fucking raining out. He's out there with drops on his head. And then my neighbor called me the other day. He's like, hey, can I talk to you for a second? He goes, I didn't know you were political. And I go, I'm not. He goes, then what's that picture I saw on there? I go, my nephews helping the guy with the campaign. I took a picture of him. He goes, have you read the comments they hate you for? I go, I don't give a fuck. I go, first of all, what we were talking about before. You could sit here every night, you could tell I'm not political. I don't have Trump on here. I don't even know what the vice president's name is. I don't know anything.

[Lee Syatt]

Neither does Trump.

[Joey Diaz]

And these guys were like. He goes, oh, they were going off Democratic. Because they're idiots. Yeah, because they're idiots. Because they. And I do. I'll do this to them. Once a year. Last year, I came up and went to the projects and took a picture. They went nuts. They went nuts and they think it bothers me. For me, it's just me fucking with them.

[Lee Syatt]

You should make like a fake campaign sign for like, someone who's not even running just to fuck with them. Because, like, dude, who. And your nephew was working for him. I, I'm sure he's a great guy, but, like, who, like you say, who cares who the president wins? Who cares who the sheriff is? You know, how is that going to change your life at all?

[Joey Diaz]

With a different Billy time? You know what I'm saying? He's gonna hit you with a rubber one and a wooden one. What's. You know, it's just. People have nothing in their lives no more.

[Lee Syatt]

You have to turn into a troll. You have to start trolling people online. That would be so great.

[Joey Diaz]

For what?

[Lee Syatt]

Just putting up pictures that you know are gonna piss people off.

[Joey Diaz]

I could do that every day. I know I could do that till the cows come home. Because I know what gets them. I know what music gets them riled up.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

When I play Bush, they lose their mind. I play Bush, they lose their mind. You know Bush. There's a couple bands that they just hate. Fucking hate. And I'll do it. Just. I don't. Because I don't give a. Yeah, it's what I'm listening to that morning. It's not what they're listening to. That's what I was saying.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, my God, have you ever yelled us out? Because I, you know me, I don't say anything to anybody. But like a year or so ago, I was in line at like a CVS on Friday, like 8pm and this woman was yelling at the cashier about the COVID vaccine, that they were testing it on kids and doing things. And there was a line. I, look, I was like, miss, it's 7:00 a Friday. Give this guy a break.

[Joey Diaz]

7.

[Lee Syatt]

She was like, they're doing it and they're making.

[Joey Diaz]

She's been home all day. Then she watched World News Tonight and that took her to a cnn and that took her to a different dilemma. You know, it's dog. Between the tv. Think about it. You go from one extreme to the other. And if you're not reading a book, you're just reading shit that's manufactured. If you're not reading a book at this point, if you go online, you gotta assume it's 50% real. But you gotta go in there like that. You have to go in going, whatever I'm about to read, 50% is bullshit.

[Lee Syatt]

@ least.

[Joey Diaz]

Okay. And then if you watch tv, if you put on, like. I know that I don't know what network it is. I laugh every night. I laugh because my wife tells me the stupid shit. Like I'm 62 years old and I don't know what the far right is or the far left. And you know what? I don't wanna know.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't need to know. And then I know there's one. CNN is anti Trump.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And Fox is Trumpy.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah. Like, really seeing it.

[Joey Diaz]

So the news is gonna be right there.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, it's such a. It's a right there.

[Joey Diaz]

The news is gonna come out a little differently. So again, when you watch those two channels, you're in for 50%. Yeah, 50%. Maybe even 40 at best. Because they're doing it from a different perspective. It's like when I went on Rogan, I was talking about why I like the singer of Judas Priest as much as I did always. Because he wrote all those lyrics about fucking and sucking. But while you're thinking about women, he was writing those lyrics thinking about a man.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, yeah, that's brilliant.

[Joey Diaz]

That's brilliant. And that's what you're getting now. But he was doing it because, you know, he was slinging dick. I mean, right? Bro, you got to read his book. His book is fucking brutal. Brutal.

[Lee Syatt]

What would he do? Just fuck everybody?

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, and when he would take you to the cleaners, he busted a guy's O ring.

[Lee Syatt]

What?

[Joey Diaz]

He busted a guy's O ring in Chicago. A designer.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, wow.

[Joey Diaz]

Guy had to go to the hospital with a busted fucking O ring. His asshole looked like fucking Tel Aviv's.

[Lee Syatt]

Been pretty proud of it. Oh, my God. I was gonna say, that's my favorite. My favorite news is what's happening in Israel today with Joey Diaz. And he just called me, like, yoshi, have you seen what Israel's been doing? I'm like, no. And they're ready to fuck people up.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, it's like, you look at. Even the other day, they have. I called this blind. I called this blind. Nikki told me that nine people escaped from the ice tank, right? And I'm sitting there going, nine people escaped from Newark at the ice thing. Two, three hours later. You know, I smoke my numbers, I eat my little Eddies. I go for my seven o' clock ride and I come back home and my wife has 12. New Jersey, 12. Cause she was waiting for the weather and all of a Sudden, they're like, breaking news, you know, four people escaped, and there's a protest going on right now. And without even looking at it, I go, let's see where the chubby chick is, dog.

[Lee Syatt]

First one.

[Joey Diaz]

The first one, a fat bald one with a lesbian Nazi thing on her arm, pushing the truck like she was gonna push a dog. She caught a beating that was so ferocious.

[Lee Syatt]

Was it the red truck? I think I saw that. Ran her over.

[Joey Diaz]

It ran her over. They picked her back up, punched her in the head. She came running back. Julio, Julio. Oh, my God, they're punching her. She's like, julio, Julio. Why is there always a fat chick that hasn't gotten dick in eight years at those protests? That's always chubby. They always got fucking blue hair. They always want to be like, it's always something. I don't know what it is with lesbians or chubby chicks that run down there to get beat up. I don't know what it is to get beat up.

[Lee Syatt]

Listen, I'm not for anybody getting beat up, but if you stand in front of my car, I'm allowed to hit the gas.

[Joey Diaz]

The fucking people in Florida, they did not fuck around. That sheriff said, I'll hit you with the car. If you throw something, we're gonna shoot. Your body's just. Your family's gonna get notified to where to pick up the fucking remains.

[Lee Syatt]

Jesus.

[Joey Diaz]

And you know what? Nobody threw nothing. Yeah, nobody threw a fucking thing.

[Lee Syatt]

They had a big protest in Albany. I got stuck in traffic.

[Joey Diaz]

They had a protest everywhere this weekend. Every fucking 2,000 cities, everybody had a protest. You see them in LA, all our neighbors were out. Half of Studio, half of Studio City was down there. You know, this can't happen no King's Day. How about no Day? If you had cock, you wouldn't be at King's Day.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, that's every day for them.

[Joey Diaz]

That's every day for them.

[Lee Syatt]

But I just. I would love to see you. Like, what if you walked in and them writing their signs? Like, them. Because they color the signs.

[Joey Diaz]

They don't write their signs. They have those people, they paid. Whoever fucking these. Or running these fake campaigns. These people that go to these fucking things, they can't even write. They can't. You know, half of them. And the ones in la, you could tell the guy with the flag and the whole thing, he can't fucking write. Doug, those people can't write. Okay? So it's just a shame what's going on. It's a shame that every fucking June in this country we have to fucking get into this shit now. Every fucking June. Two years ago, Floyd. Three years ago, this. Well, Floyd was five years ago. But now you have. You know, last year was the Palestinians. Before that, it was the Jews, saying that where the fuck are our hostages? Now it's Hamas. Every week is something different. And in New York, they come out. I mean, and the other night, I'm watching ICE fucking thing where people dressed as Palestinians. I'm like, how confused are you? Like, they're ICE people now. You're down there with the towel around the head, fucking yelling and screaming. It's just. I don't listen. I don't.

[Lee Syatt]

Did you ever protest anything?

[Joey Diaz]

Never.

[Lee Syatt]

I ever had an urge. Like, nothing Cuban ever got to you.

[Joey Diaz]

Not even an urge. One time I went home with a half a fag thing and my mom shut it down and she explained why you don't do that. And I never went back out there again. There's no reason to. Hi. You're only protesting to get a girl, right? Or to get accepted into your little coffee group?

[Lee Syatt]

The whole group.

[Joey Diaz]

And they cry and shit. You know, like the first night of ICE I saw when they were in la, they beat up a white chick. That chick is a fucking hero in studio yoga. When she went to yoga the next day with that black eye, and they were like, what happened?

[Lee Syatt]

The neck brace.

[Joey Diaz]

You're not gonna believe it, you know, I got beat up. Oh, my God, you're so brave. They eat that shit up. That's what they do. That's what they do. Listen, man, some people smoke spot to be accepted. Some people act like idiots to be accepted. That's what they do. Make believe that they care. The babies. The Babies Palace. If you were sucking Tuck, there's no baby. You have your own baby, right? You have your own fucking baby.

[Lee Syatt]

Holy shit.

[Joey Diaz]

Hold on one second. We're gonna take a breather. We got so into this conversation, we didn't even talk to you about. Bluechew, here we come. We'll be right back. Hey, beautiful people. Uncle Joe here. Listen, the summer's coming. I gotta talk to you about something. If you're having trouble getting it up and getting it on when you want to listen, you need bluechew, all right? Bluechew sends you chewable tablets that taste like mint and will make you God in the bedroom. You'll be throwing people up in the air, hitting them with the bat of love. It's gonna be tremendous. Now they even have blue Chew Masks, which contains the same active ingredients as Viagra and Cialis into one tablet. That works fast. Listen, I'm an old man. From time to time, things happen. I pop a Blue Chew. It's all over the shouting. Even the cat runs out of the room. Just sign [e-mail], consult with one of their licensed medical providers, and if you're approved, you'll get your prescription in just days. Listen, make life easier by getting harder and discover your [e-mail] and we got a special deal for the church family. You ready? Your first month of Bluechew is free. Just like that. Free. When you press in, promo code Joey. J O E Y. Just pay a fin to get in. That's $5 shipping. That's promo code Joey. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important information. And I want to thank Bluetooth for sponsoring the show. Uncle Joey, here. Let me talk to you about something. You know what's not in your summer budget? Overpaying for your wireless phone bill. While you're planning beach trips and backyard barbecues and swinging by the beach, Mint Mobile is so inexpensive, you never have to choose between fun or your cell phone bill. You can do both with cell phone plans starting at just 15amonth. That's right, 15amonth. Mint Mobile gives you premium wireless service on the nation's largest 5G network with unlimited talk and text. My wife has Mint Mobile. She loves it. For 15amonth. You can't go wrong. It's time to switch. This year, skip breaking the sweat and breaking the bank. Get your summer savings and shop premium wireless [e-mail]. c h u r c h. That's mintmobile.com church upfront payment of $45 for three months. Five gigabyte plan required, equivalent to 15amonth. New customer offer for first three months only. Then full price plan options available. But hey, 15amonth for the summer. Who's better than you? Mint Mobile. Taxes and fees are extra. See Mint Mobile for details and get your life together. Sign up with Mint Mobile. We're back. What's up, dog? How you feeling?

[Lee Syatt]

I'm feeling good. I didn't even tell you what happened in Florida. I was gonna tell you last week, but we didn't have time. One of our friends down there. I've never done fireworks. Like, I was petrified of it as a kid. I did it for the first time. Within 30 seconds, there were two cop cars. I got. I got in trouble. Like, I. I have, like, a warning in, like, where? Wherever I was in, like, paradise in Tampa or something. They Got real upset. They didn't like it at all.

[Joey Diaz]

Who gave you the fireworks?

[Lee Syatt]

One of our friends down there, Steve Simone, allegedly may have found. But they sell it at Target. So I don't really get what the happened. And then they sell them at Target. I know I got fucking, like, sparkler things. He's like, all right, let me give you these. You're gonna be fine. And then, dude, I have a video. It's. I like, it blew off and, like, the cardboard on the top hit me. And I thought I was getting, like, set on fire. So I didn't see one firework that went off. I didn't see one in the sky. Thirty seconds later, there were two cop cars driving on the beach. And, like, I thought I was going to get arrested.

[Joey Diaz]

And what they give you a warning.

[Lee Syatt]

For if they're fireworks, but they're not. Apparently they sell. They say they're for agricultural purposes. And I don't know what the. I don't know what. How you use fireworks and farming, but they're. They're legal, but they're not. So I don't know what the happened, but. Yeah, I forgot about that. I. It was. It was the quickest dude in New York, I see people doing crazy, and there's no cops to be found on the beach. I let off one firework for the first time ever, and they treated it like I wanted to shoot the president.

[Joey Diaz]

You never let a firework?

[Lee Syatt]

No, it was illegal in Massachusetts, and then in California, the Met. Every Mexican had them. You didn't need to, like, buy your own. And that was awesome.

[Joey Diaz]

But yeah, Chinese people went up to your neighborhood and so fireworks out of their people.

[Lee Syatt]

In my neighborhood, they didn't know.

[Joey Diaz]

What a shame. What happened to Chinese people are coming to your neighborhood, sell you a fucking. What'd you call those things, George? Mats. Oh, a mat. A mat. A mat was when you got 144 of them.

[Lee Syatt]

Fireworks.

[Joey Diaz]

Fuck yeah. 144 packs. Like a fucking. And when you got froggy, you lit the whole thing on fire.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

If you had balls, they were like 90 bucks. You're like, fuck it, I'm going for it. Cause you buy a mat just to sell them.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, okay.

[Joey Diaz]

Like, you could probably sell them half of them and keep them.

[Lee Syatt]

Plus you could, like, rip it or something or like take part pieces of it. Oh, okay.

[Joey Diaz]

No, because it's like a kilo of coke, but when you cut it open, it's got all the packages individual. Like 5 packs, 20 pack, whatever the fuck is in there.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, yeah. I've never. Dude, I like. Do you remember that football player Jason Pierre? Paul has, like, a fucked up crab hand now because he blew up his hand doing like. That's. I've been scared of fireworks my whole life.

[Joey Diaz]

Not me.

[Lee Syatt]

No, you like them? Do you have. You do. I never knew you did fireworks.

[Joey Diaz]

Well, oh, yeah, I do fireworks. I go to a fucking.

[Lee Syatt]

You know, you have a backyard where.

[Joey Diaz]

You go to a fucking. I go to a. What do you call them? Alcoholic Anonymous. I go to a Fireworks Anonymous meeting. You did fireworks? No, it's a kid's thing. They come to your neighbor, you buy a pack of firecrackers, you light them, and then you like other shit. You like the bottle rockets?

[Lee Syatt]

I never did those either. Like in just shooting them at people.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, yeah. You put them in a bottle and you shoot them at people. Or you break the stick.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

And those are called something completely different off color, which you can't say anymore. You light them on fire and they just spin around in circles.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, damn.

[Joey Diaz]

They go. It would bounce off a wall without the stick. That thing goes crazy. There's no navigation system.

[Lee Syatt]

Did you ever get hit?

[Joey Diaz]

No, but we shot them at people. And then you had Roman candles, which you would shoot at people.

[Lee Syatt]

Fuck.

[Joey Diaz]

And they were, like 40 bucks when we were kids for a stick. They were expensive. Then you had M80s and, like, eight of those is a stick of dynamite. Right.

[Lee Syatt]

Is that the stuff, like, people would put into, like, mailboxes and blow them up.

[Joey Diaz]

Boom. With a frog's mouth and shit.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, you put him in a frog's mouth?

[Joey Diaz]

I don't know. I don't know. I've never done that stupid shit, but kids do it.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Like in Resident. You know, places where there's not much to do.

[Lee Syatt]

Right.

[Joey Diaz]

Except blow up a frog.

[Lee Syatt]

I don't want to blow up a frog, but I do. I like lighting shit on fire. I do.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, man. I'm an arson by fucking nature. I love all that shit.

[Lee Syatt]

You know, they have places, like, where you can, like, you know, shoot guns or stuff. I'd like to, like, go to, like, an abandoned house and, like, just light it on fire and get to watch.

[Joey Diaz]

That's a living.

[Lee Syatt]

What's living? Lighting houses on fire.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, for people. So I'm gonna light your house on fire. You study it. The fucking. What burns, what doesn't burn, how they still get the insurance. It's a good living.

[Lee Syatt]

I think I'd be. I'd get caught immediately.

[Joey Diaz]

No, you could wear, like, a black suit, like a little Hood.

[Lee Syatt]

Can you imagine? But then it's just gonna be a little chubby me with, like, eight feet of fire behind me. They're gonna see me a mile away.

[Joey Diaz]

It'll be fine. You'll run fast once the fire's behind you. Oh, fire always makes you run faster.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

So Jews and black people don't like fireworks. It's just.

[Lee Syatt]

I had no idea.

[Joey Diaz]

Or fire. Black people don't like fire either.

[Lee Syatt]

I don't think anyone, like, who likes.

[Joey Diaz]

Fire, I could live with. I could light a fire. But that's what I'm saying to you.

[Lee Syatt]

I would love that.

[Joey Diaz]

So you got in trouble in Florida with the cops again, and there's a warning. Your name's out down there. Look at you, you fucking.

[Lee Syatt]

I know.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm a fucking fireworks. I should kill you, fireworks dude.

[Lee Syatt]

That is always. Whenever anything goes wrong, my first thought is, am I like, I hope there's no, like issue? Because if Joey finds out about this in the wrong way, like, if I came back with, like, a firework burning on my head, you would have never let me live it down. Oh, my God. Like. And that's why. Because I freaked out. Because the cardboard on top of the fireworks flew off and hit me, so. Oh, no. So that's why I dove. I didn't see one thing. I was like, God, if I have a fucking burn on the side of my head, you're never gonna let me live it down. It's not like you'd be worried about me. Like, what the fuck are you doing?

[Joey Diaz]

A little gunpowder never hurt nobody. What I'm saying. And you take the firecrackers and you break them, and you take the gunpowder and you can make, like, a line.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And light the gunpowder and it goes all the way down like a necro.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, I would love to do that.

[Joey Diaz]

Fireworks are a lot of fun until you blow your finger off or somebody loses an eye, right? You know, it's like a party. Ain't a party till somebody breaks something, right?

[Lee Syatt]

Fireworks are fireworks until you lose a finger.

[Joey Diaz]

It's not till somebody cries. Somebody burnt their hand. But when I was a kid, they came around with the picture of the guy with his hand, and the skin got blown off his fingers, and you could see the bones in his hands and shit.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, shit.

[Joey Diaz]

And I'm like, sign me up. Sign me up, motherfucker. I'm going to light some of those. They're just fun, you know, Kids like them. I mean, I don't like them. Then they have the new things that you Light. It's like a helicopter. Cause my neighbor had those. You light them on fire and they. And they blow up. Yeah. Like eight feet in the air. Whoopee.

[Lee Syatt]

Do you like. Are you gonna go on the 4th of July to see fireworks?

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, my God, I can't wait. That's my favorite part of the year. When I sit there and I hug my family and I get a guitar and I play the. Get the fuck outta here. I light three fucking firecrackers. I go inside and mind my business. I wanna go, ooh, wow.

[Lee Syatt]

Ooh.

[Joey Diaz]

Fucking like some fucking idiot. Like, I watch fucking. You know. You know, it's like a parade. How many times can you go to a parade? The chick flies off with a sword. Okay, we can leave now.

[Lee Syatt]

That's my problem with fireworks is they're the same every year.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, that's it. It's like we're going to go up to the Hudson and look at the Hudson, at the firework. Okay.

[Lee Syatt]

What do you. Is there anything that you do like to do?

[Joey Diaz]

Not really. I like to eat.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Smoke dope. Listen to music, Read a book.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, shit like that.

[Lee Syatt]

I did see something pretty interesting. I forget if he was talking about. On Rogan. I saw a clip of Rick Rubin talking about the Johnny Cash song. They did like his last song that he ever did. It was like another rock song. He did a cover of it, but he was like 73. He was in his house. He was like dying. It was pretty interesting. I don't know if you, if you. You don't seem like a Johnny Cash fan.

[Joey Diaz]

I like Johnny Cash wrote a song called Rusty Cage.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

And then Soundgarden redid it.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, I think it's the other way around, actually.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah.

[Lee Syatt]

That Soundgarden did it first and then he did it. It was like 73. It's pretty. Like, that was pretty interesting. Oh, nine inch nail song. Okay, okay. That was badass.

[Joey Diaz]

You're gonna show up here with fucked up facts.

[Lee Syatt]

I don't.

[Joey Diaz]

You're worse than fucking CNN and fucked up.

[Lee Syatt]

And then I am supposed to keep facts in my head. I have no idea.

[Joey Diaz]

I had a good fucking Father's Day.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

I had a good week with her. It's. When you're a dad, you have good weeks and you have fucking good weeks and you have bad week. Whatever. I don't know. I just had a really good week with her and Father's Day. Like, what happened? I don't know. She's getting to that. She's done. She's done that's it. Sixth grade is done. Wow.

[Lee Syatt]

Wow. Seventh grade.

[Joey Diaz]

Jimmy fucking Florentine's kid graduates eighth grade. When I moved here, he was in the third grade or something like that.

[Lee Syatt]

Wow.

[Joey Diaz]

These kids were in the fucking young kids, man. So it's just really weird that I'm watching her and, like, she grew again. Not size wise. She's not growing size wise, even though she is. What I'm trying to say, like, when I talk to her now, I could see that she's older and it's kind of getting a little bit more fun and she makes me laugh a little bit more, you know? Yeah, she does. I mean, I swear to God, I can't believe the shit she comes up with.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, I love when she's. She's basically doing stand up without knowing she's doing stand up. I love when. When you get her going and then you let her go and then you tell you like, relax, relax, that's it.

[Joey Diaz]

Cuz she'll go off on you 20 minutes and sit in the car after you give her ice cream or something. That fucking shit's like liquid cocaine. They go off. They go off. And if you have three girls in the car and they have something sweet, they go off. It's like Chinese people behind you. You just hear fucking blah, blah, blah. And you're like, wow, I can't even keep up with this shit. But it's funny, this morning when I spoke to you, you were talking about how, you know, you haven't spoken to your dad in a while. How long has it been now?

[Lee Syatt]

I think it'll be four years.

[Joey Diaz]

Has anybody heard from him?

[Lee Syatt]

Not that I know of. No. Yeah, no, it's. It's very. It's very. Because I was thinking about it this weekend because it was, you know, it's just Father's Day and. Yeah, it's. You know, my dad and I were really close while he was on the podcast, and I'm not. He was. He got. He was unhappy with me because I. I had spent like a bunch of birthdays with him in a row. And then my girlfriend in Massachusetts, it was our first Valentine's Day, so I was going to spend Valentine's Day with her. And then his birthday is like the 18th, so I was going to go down like the 16th, and he wanted me to come down on that Sunday and spend like, Valentine's and the whole week with him. I said, no, I'm going to spend it with my. And then that was it. Blocked on everything. It was. And you know what? It Is. It's sad, but it's something that I've come to terms with. But it's. I was. I brought it up to you today because, you know, I. What you have with mercy is beautiful. But I know that there's a lot of people who, like, you know, are going through stuff like that. Who cut parents off or the kids. There's a lot of people going through it, I think.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, it's funny that. Listen, man, I used to remember when. Before I left la, I used to call a lot of people and talk to a lot of people. When I moved here, I didn't feel good, so I stopped calling a few people. Just. I even forgot I even had to call them. Like, that's how fucked up I was when I got off the plane. And now it's gonna be five years and there's, like, four people I haven't called. And now I can't call because I'm too embarrassed to call because they're gonna go, what the fuck happened? And I gotta explain to them, you.

[Lee Syatt]

Know, I think it happens. I mean, like, did you stop answering their calls or you just.

[Joey Diaz]

No, they didn't call either. I mean, one guy called one time and I called him back and we spoke a little bit and he invited me to his house. He was only here for, like, two days and he invited me to his house. He's like, I'm down some shore. It was like an hour and 48 fucking minutes away. And this guy's like, you gotta come down here before I leave. And you came over, okay?

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And I'm like, you wanna go down there? You're like, I don't. And I'm like, this motherfucker just drove an hour and a half. I'm not gonna put you back in my car to drive an hour 40, and then an hour 40 back, right? And when I called him, I could tell he was pissed off, so I, like, moved on. And now it's been fucking five years. Like four years I haven't spoken to him, and I feel embarrassed. So maybe that's it. After a while, you just get into a groove and you're like, I'll call him tomorrow. I'll call him. When people text me sometimes I save the text just to remind me to call them, okay? And there's texts on there that I still haven't called number two. They're in a different time zone, right? And that's always a pain in the ass for me because I go, okay, I gotta call that person at this time, my time and then something happens and you don't call that person. You're like, fuck. Now the day's gone. You know, by the time I don't like talking to people, my daughter's in the room, right? You know, nothing bothers me more when I call you in the morning and then you call me back in the afternoon when I'm surrounded by people, right? I don't want to do that no more. I don't pick up the call, right? I won't even pick it up and that.

[Lee Syatt]

But there's like, you know, sometimes you just. You get busy and you don't call people back. Like, have you ever. I know, I know your parents aren't here, but like, you know, sometimes you have to talk, decide, like, okay, I don't. This person's not supposed to be in my life like that. It sounds like you just, you know, you get busy and things happen. It doesn't sound like you're like cutting people off.

[Joey Diaz]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Not at all. I love them dearly. It's my old neighbor from Boulder. It's one of my teachers from North Bergen. Haven't spoken to my uncle really since fucking December. Maybe I speak to my cousins. I speak to all my cousins, but I don't speak to my uncle. Cause I call him now. He don't answer the phone at night no more. He used to be a late night guy, but now he's 86, he ain't that late no more. So I would try to call him. Like 11 o' clock here, 8 o' clock, I could catch him. Like last night I thought about calling him during the baseball game. Cause I know he watches Giants all the time, okay, Win place to show. And they won last night against the Dodgers. But I got busy, right? It was Father's Day. I got busy with the girls. So that's what happened there. But it's just nothing. I don't pick them, right? It's just you just fall into the cracks sometimes with people. So you go, I'm embarrassed to even call them now.

[Lee Syatt]

I get that for sure. There's a guy, the guy who gave me my first job in la, one of the sweetest guys in the world. Created America's Funniest Home Videos. And I up the fir. When I got rid of. When I got my next job, they had like a. A board that you could post at the college. I went to and I posted it and this guy is like an alumni, like a trustee at this college. And he found out I was leaving his Company before I had. I told, I could tell him and I could tell that it hurt his feelings. And I just haven't like, for years. I should have written him a letter and. Because he was great to me. But like, yeah, when the more time goes, you get like self conscious about it.

[Joey Diaz]

You really fucking go, what the fuck am I doing? And you feel bad. And then some people hit me up on Facebook and I'll ask that number right away and I'll call them. Shit like that. I like to hear like, I haven't spoke to Rick Ramos.

[Lee Syatt]

No.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, six months. And I'm like, fuck, I gotta call that motherfucker. We gotta talk about De Niro's new movie. Oh, yeah, we gotta talk about shit. Every time I see Midnight Run, I'm like, motherfucker. But I know he goes to bed early. He's in Arizona. So if it's seven here, it's five over there, right? I don't know what the fuck. Like, I'll call him now. Like now is when I'll call Rick, you know, like now. But there's just people. I didn't talk to Simone for a long fucking time.

[Lee Syatt]

Wow.

[Joey Diaz]

And then they call me in the afternoon and I'm surrounded. And again you make a mental note, call them later. But you got no peace of mind till fucking right 7:30. And then your agent calls you from LA. Cause they're on a different time zone. So when I leave the house at seven at night when Jeopardy's on, it's to call them back. Because they're calling me while I'm watching world news or talking to my daughter or eating dinner. I'm like, I'm not gonna pick up the phone now. I'll call them when I. And then I make all my little calls back to back to back to back.

[Lee Syatt]

So I'm surprised to hear you say that, like. Cause like I get in my own head like, oh, they don't want to hear from me. It's been too long. But I wouldn't have expected you to be like, to be like that, to worry or like, doubt it.

[Joey Diaz]

I like to check in with people.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

I like to keep people on their toes and say, hey, how you doing? What's going on? You know? And then like, I didn't expect to hear from you. Nobody ever does. That's the way you do it, you know? But Damon, I still talk. I still talk to a lot of people. Like, I still talk to a lot of fucking people. I just talked to my buddy from Colorado. I've known him since 1984. Two of them yesterday. Two of them yesterday. Steve Schiavone text me. And then Mike Roebuck. I called.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, he was on the podcast, right?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, Mike's been on the podcast a couple times.

[Lee Syatt]

Fuck, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

So those guys, you know, it's just sometimes. But I don't. I won't talk to Mike for a year, right? Then he'll call me out of the blue one night, and then I'll call him a month later when I could talk more to him. But I gotta call him at night. Cause he's a wrestling coach.

[Lee Syatt]

It's. Life really goes by. I mean. So, like, what was great about your week with Mercy? Like, what was going on?

[Joey Diaz]

Just, you know, man, I say it on stage and I fucking talk about it in life. That I didn't like LA because I didn't think the parents talked any of these fucking kids. There's no way. There's no fucking way that there was a gap in life there where parents for 20 years didn't say nothing to their kids about what's right or what's wrong and they all ended up in la. It's like I said on stage the other night that LA has, like a pass to go in. Have you spoken to your dad recently? Not in 20 years. Get in there. You know, you speak to your dad? Yeah, every day. You're not meant for fucking California or Hollywood. You're meant for fucking San Diego or something. So I wanted to just. That's why I walked away from so many fucking things. I thought people call me every day to do a fucking. I just got a email from my agent to do a podcast and they don't get it. Like, we think you should do this. All right, motherfucker. You come over here and you get in the car and drive an hour and it's 60 bucks for me to do a podcast. Yeah, 60, 70 bucks. No matter what tolls, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. To do a podcast that I'm not really promoting in July or anything.

[Lee Syatt]

Right.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't want to go over there. I'd rather go to fucking workout. I get more from hitting the fucking throwing air punches than driving for an hour, talking for two hours and getting back in the car, and then it's an hour and a half of traffic. I really do. I had to simplify my life. I'm not young anymore. I don't have three hours to throw away. I could die at any fucking minute. I'm 62 years old.

[Lee Syatt]

Jesus Christ.

[Joey Diaz]

I could die at any fucking minute.

[Lee Syatt]

So can anyone though, you know?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, but no. Your chances of dying and my chances of dying are slim and none I get unless you go back to Tel Aviv.

[Lee Syatt]

I didn't tell you I'm going next week.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, good. Have a good time.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

No. But you know, the odds are you. So now I look at my time, like, what the fuck?

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't have three hours to go up there and to talk to you about. So how was prison? Prison was great. Oh my God, it was great. That's it. I wrote a book.

[Lee Syatt]

Right.

[Joey Diaz]

Read the book and do the podcast. Right. I just don't see it.

[Lee Syatt]

Do the podcast with the book.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, ask the book question. Same shit you're gonna ask me.

[Lee Syatt]

Right? Yeah, I. I can see that much.

[Joey Diaz]

But it's not going around the corner from my house anymore.

[Lee Syatt]

No.

[Joey Diaz]

It's three fucking hours, 80 hours later and, you know, four hours of my fucking time. It got like that towards the end of la. Oh, we opened up a studio. Marina Del Rey. Well, I'm not going down there. We do a podcast at three. That's great to know.

[Lee Syatt]

I don't leave it until 11am you.

[Joey Diaz]

Got to get back on that 10 and that 4:05. At four o' clock. I don't wish down. I wouldn't do that to anybody.

[Lee Syatt]

No, I would never.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I do a podcast at 3 in Marina del Rey. Oh, don't worry about the 10 and the 405. I wouldn't do that to people.

[Lee Syatt]

No, but you have common decency.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, a common, you know, criminal. I'd have you come down at 8 and we get something to eat.

[Lee Syatt]

When there's no traffic.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, when there's no traffic. But I'm not gonna make you come down that trail. And that's what was going. You know it. Everybody started getting studios in Marina Del Rey. Calling me up, man, we need you on the podcast. It ain't gonna happen. If it's not 11 o' clock, it ain't gonna happen. And even then you got a problem.

[Lee Syatt]

No.

[Joey Diaz]

You might get a call with a cancellation. Cause if I get up, if I stay up till two or something, there's nights I fucking. Last night I went to bed at 9:50.

[Lee Syatt]

Did you really?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. So I'm walking around at 4:15 in the morning, me and the cat. She's looking at me, I'm looking at her for fucking mental support. I go downstairs, I drink a nice tea, I fucking smoke some dope. I watched Godfather of Harlem for a fucking episode and I went back up at 6 in the morning.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, you went back up to bed.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay. I was gonna ask, what are you doing all day?

[Joey Diaz]

From 4 o' clock, I die. Listen, by 8 o' clock I'd be passed out from the reefer. Cause when you got up at 6, I hit the fucking. When I get up at 4:35, I don't have to wait till 7:15 to get hot. I just go downstairs, drink some water and do two shots of that lung thing to open up your lungs in the morning.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, the asthma inhaler.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. And I go right to the garage. I don't even fuck up.

[Lee Syatt]

You do an inhaler before you take a bong hit?

[Joey Diaz]

Fuck yeah. To open up the airwaves. What do you think, I'm stupid? Why should I do it after I get high?

[Lee Syatt]

I guess you're right.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah.

[Lee Syatt]

Does it help?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. I see the devil in the morning.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay, they just gave me an inhaler. Maybe I should try it.

[Joey Diaz]

That you should try everything you got. Look, you did how many milligrams tonight?

[Lee Syatt]

You tell me. I have no idea.

[Joey Diaz]

Last week I hit you later.

[Lee Syatt]

He was, oh, it's gonna hit me later today. Luckily, George made a cheeseburger today to save me.

[Joey Diaz]

It's a sample.

[Lee Syatt]

See if I do that shit with nothing in my stomach.

[Joey Diaz]

That's why I said, get something to eat. I'm the fucking doctor when it comes to shit. I'm not here to kill you.

[Lee Syatt]

Yes, you are. You just want the delayed kill.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm just trying to take you to a different level of life, brother. I love it, you know I'm saying? But yeah, I'll get high as soon as I get up at 4:30 in the morning. When I get up, that means I'm tired. But something woke me up, a train of thought. Maybe I had a pee and I didn't pee and now I got to pee even more. And they fucking. It's always something.

[Lee Syatt]

The one. And I will give you credit, the one thing that I think you're absolutely right is because a lot of comics get like freaked out because I'll go to a show and I'll smoke a joint before because you have me on that, but no one will do it. But I think getting high after it, like, it's going to change it. Because like, I. I had a great weekend in Albany and I got high after my show and like, I went back and watched. I got a camera. I like watched my sets. Like I wrote like 15 new minutes just doing, just getting high after the Set was crazy. It was awesome.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, we get high before, during and after.

[Lee Syatt]

That's true.

[Joey Diaz]

Don't be rewriting the.

[Lee Syatt]

Who's rewriting?

[Joey Diaz]

I didn't write the story. I didn't write it.

[Lee Syatt]

What story?

[Joey Diaz]

I'm just a soldier to what they told me to do.

[Lee Syatt]

No one told you to do this.

[Joey Diaz]

Lenny Bruce got high.

[Lee Syatt]

He did heroin.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. You want to do heroin before you go on stage?

[Lee Syatt]

Ah, kinda.

[Joey Diaz]

Okay, I'll get some.

[Lee Syatt]

I think you've probably already done heroin.

[Joey Diaz]

Give you a little fucking taste, you get a little pukey, and then you go on stage and crack. All your Jewish stuff.

[Lee Syatt]

Just that.

[Joey Diaz]

Tell them all about the missiles and shit.

[Lee Syatt]

I can't tell them about that. They're going to like. Israel would kill me. That's fucking wild.

[Joey Diaz]

Well, anyway, back to your conversation about your father. I don't know. We got off this fucking thing here.

[Lee Syatt]

Well, yeah, it's. You know.

[Joey Diaz]

Do you want to call.

[Lee Syatt]

You know what? I'm going to be honest. And we could probably see this. When I. When he blocked me, I thought, you know what? Not really. And, you know, he's getting older. I probably should. People like, Steve Simone gets mad at me sometimes. He's like, you gotta do it. I don't know. And. And it's because I thought about you with. With your other daughter and it's. You know, I don't. It would be. It would be real shitty if he was gone. And that was the last time we spoke. But to have. To have, like, someone who's important to you, like, just block you out of nowhere for something stupid. Like, if I. I would understand if we got into a fight. It was just like, I'm gonna spend Valentine's Day with my girlfriend. I'll see you on Tuesday. And then I found out. I didn't find out. He blocked me. I got an email, he took me off of his hbo. And then. Oh, yeah, that way. And I was like, what's going on here? And I looked, I tried to. I tried to give him a call. Went to voicemail, left him a voicemail. And for like six months I didn't block him. And then, like, I think a six months to a year, and I just blocked him. And we'll find out. I'm sure I'm out of the will. Who knows?

[Joey Diaz]

But there's nothing left.

[Lee Syatt]

It's fucking crazy in Florida, but I mean, like, yeah, it's. It's.

[Joey Diaz]

I always liked him. He was a nice guy, but he was old, he was lonely, you know, and he was another version of me. He's never gonna be sober.

[Lee Syatt]

Right.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, he's always up to something. They're all the guys like that. They're always eating something. Always.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, he loved your edibles. That was.

[Joey Diaz]

No, but he's always eating something. Yeah, he's always eating something.

[Lee Syatt]

But the edible.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, but the edibles is just, you know, so I don't know anymore. Listen, I don't know. Like, I haven't spoken to those people now. I haven't spoken to my daughter. It's gotta be 20 something years. Wow. And I haven't spoken to my ex wife since. I mean, before Mercy was born. Yeah, no, Mercy was born already, so it's been 12 years. I called, I pled my case, she laughed at me. I was like, this fucking bitch. I was like this motherfucker, you know?

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah. This is crazy because you have both sides of it. Like, you. Like, you just said you had a great week with Mercy. Everything's going perfect. But then, like, does it. Does it still get to you? Or at this point are you like, you know what?

[Joey Diaz]

Doesn't even fucking matter anymore if you want me to lie to you. It took me down for so long that now I'm on the other episode of the spectrum. Like, I hope she's healthy, I hope she's good, but that's it. There's nothing. What do you want me to do? What do you want to do here?

[Lee Syatt]

Right?

[Joey Diaz]

Even if. Even if I go over there or she comes over here, I gotta be honest with you. It's not gonna work.

[Lee Syatt]

You don't think so?

[Joey Diaz]

No. And sometimes you should just leave well enough alone. Right? Because no matter how close we get, I'm still a man. And I still have feelings. At one point, I'm gonna say, what made you just not talk to me for fucking 25 years? And all of a sudden you show up now. So I'm, you know, like, you gotta. And I have to make up. I have to not make up. I have to tell him my story. And if I tell her my story, that's a truth she never knew and she'll understand. But I don't want to do that. It's not important for me to do that. We're both set in our ways. We're both set in our lives. Good luck to her. I hope she never gets hit by a truck. And I hope that she doesn't hate me or doesn't want me to get hit by a truck. That's all I could wish for right now.

[Lee Syatt]

Right.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, whatever pain I had, you know what? God threw me a fucking. A 20 spot. Every once in a while, God throws you a 20 spot and they cover the fucking damage and you're good. And it's like it never happened.

[Lee Syatt]

It is. And it's like, because like the first, the first couple years was rough. Like the first, the first like six months to a year was really rough. And then it just, you know, I got. I've been very lucky with a bunch of like great people in my life. And it's like, why am I. I'm not like as stone as, like, not stone, but like as like confident as you are about it, but I'm like this far in. It's like, why am I gonna. Like, what do we, we can't just go back to normal now. That's not, that's not gonna be possible.

[Joey Diaz]

That's what I'm saying.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

So you just gotta slip in there like nothing happened. Listen, let me get this out of the way right now. In my world, in the world I grew up in, and the way I grew up, I gotta be honest with you, and I know a lot of people are gonna be mad at me for saying this family's fucking overrated. Family's sometimes fuckin overrated. Sometimes they could help you blossom, or sometimes they could bring you the fuck down. And we all know that. We've all seen both sides of the fucking coin. I'm sorry to say that as I was growing up, I saw how my family treated my mother. I saw how my father's family treated my mother. And she would tell me they could all suck my dick. Like, I don't give a fuck about none of these peasants, you know? And she was serious. Like, I know she loved her brother. That's the only motherfucker I know my mother loved. I know she wasn't too. I know she was crazy about Neda. Her mother, the father I wasn't too sure about, but the brothers and the sisters, you know, My mother did something. She stuck up for her sister. My aunt got raped and my mom stabbed the little guy. And half the family turned on her. And for years they talked shit about her. So my mom said, really? No, you motherfuckers could go fuck themselves.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And then when she came to the States and started making money, they would hit her up and she would tell them, right now, you go fuck yourself good for her and hang up the fucking phone. So she kind of taught me that as we were growing up. And I still remember her going off on my father's mother why? Right in the fucking house in New York. I must have been seven. And as we were walking out, she's like, you're not gonna see this lady again. I go, I hope not. And that was the end of my grandmother. I never saw my grandmother after that. She died maybe 10 years later. I never went back over there. Wow. I went over there with her and she started going off on my mom. And I was like, oh, shit. And I'm like, my mom's gonna deck this bitch.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, shit and shit.

[Joey Diaz]

Sure enough, my mom started calling her a fucking cunt and that her fucking pussy husband, her pussy son was dead. Oh my God. She's like, you're not gonna pussyfire my son. Because they always like, they made my mom move in with them so she could learn the recipes he liked. And my mother was not that type of bitch. You know what I'm saying? Like, he eats what I cook. You know what I'm saying? So when I went over there, my mother put like jeans on me or something soon as I walked in the door. They're from Spain. They think their shit don't stick. She was from Spain. She wasn't Cuban.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

She started with the sneakers, the pants, you look dirty. And my mom said, time out, you little fucking cunt. Fuck. And unloaded on her and we walked out together. And she's like, you want to come back over? And I'm like, not really.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And that was the end of my grandmother. That was how quick that went down.

[Lee Syatt]

Well, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And then my mother died. And then I realized something that was more important than your blood family. It's the street family.

[Lee Syatt]

Uh huh.

[Joey Diaz]

Because I look at all you guys as blood. I don't look at you guys as fucking, you know, he's my friend. You guys are blood. That's why I don't. I get mad when you ask me about baccalaureate. Okay. That's why, that's why. If it was some guy on Marikan that pushed it on me, but it's you, you know, Lock the RAV is so good for you. It's high in nutrient. Leave me the fuck alone. But that's why I get so angry at people. I can see that, you know, that's why I get so angry at people. So for me, my street brothers have been. And I have street brothers that'll say, hey, man, I gotta tell you something. You're more of a brother to me than my own blood brothers.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And it feels different. And that's the thing with me. I have a lot of people that they should have told. I have like 10 friends that should have told their family, go fuck themselves a long time ago.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah. And it feels good when it's good.

[Joey Diaz]

Tell your family, go fuck themselves. Tell them to go fuck themselves. This ain't gonna work no more. Because once you tell your family to go fuck themselves, they know you're not playing. It's very important that you look at all of them. That includes your mother from time to time, because they'll take you to the cleaners, too. They'll drive you crazy. Not your mom or your dad, but, like cousins or whatever. You got to pull them aside and go, here's the deal. No, right? No. You're going to take me down with this stupidity?

[Lee Syatt]

I think. Yeah. I mean, honestly, there's so many people. It's so weird. The craziest thing that I. For dating, for me, for, like, all my girlfriends. The way that a lot of parents talk to their daughters is wild. Like, they talk every. Dude, almost every girlfriend I've had, their parents, like, make comments about their weight. Like, it's like. And. But then they'll, like, they'll feed them, like, as they're giving, like, the dish, they'll be like, oh, you know, like the color Gorda or, like, do crazy. And it's like family. I don't know. You never. You ever work at a place and you start at the bottom, Even though you move up, they still see as the bottom. Yeah, I feel like that's how family is. Like, they remember you as that dumb kid who shit the pet, the bed or like, you know, whatever they did.

[Joey Diaz]

At the other side of the spectrum. I know people who have great families.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, amazing. Yeah. Part of my family's great.

[Joey Diaz]

I know people have fucking great families. I know people got. But after a while, as you start getting old, as you start getting old, you gotta look at your family and go, what's gonna happen when there's money involved? Cause what tears up a family more than that shit? Some stupid fucking envelope. And that's what you have to start looking at as you get older. Like, what am I gonna do? That's why all these musicians. Why do you think they sell their rights for $500 million? You think they want to sell them? No, but they don't want the bullshit that comes afterward when they die. And everybody's gonna go to war over that money. Now we know what we're getting. There's no more bullshit. Did you see Quincy Jones? He's giving them each $81 million.

[Lee Syatt]

Damn.

[Joey Diaz]

To his eight kids, 81 million fucking dollars. Fuck. So everybody knows, and there's no fucking drama. There's always something with family. There's always something with them. And for me, I didn't have the like. For me, I just didn't have it. Like, when my mother died, I had my uncle in California. He's like, you come live with me in California, right? I'm growing up here. What good to me is fucking California?

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You know? Oh, move to fucking Miami. That's what I want to do is move down to fucking Miami. After I've been in. I'm just getting fucking hot and bothered in North Bergen, right?

[Lee Syatt]

The worst thing in your life happened, and you have to move across the country.

[Joey Diaz]

And then, dog, I remember like, 84. My mother was dead five fucking years, and I'm in California. My uncle goes, let's call Cuba. And they're all yelling at me on the phone.

[Lee Syatt]

About what?

[Joey Diaz]

Like, what happened to you. You never called us. For what? I'm out here fighting these motherfucking demons by myself. What are you bitches gonna do for me 300 miles away? Not a thing, Right? Not a thing. What am I gonna talk to you for? About what? What do you want to talk about? My strategy for the day?

[Lee Syatt]

Survive.

[Joey Diaz]

The fuck do you want to talk about?

[Lee Syatt]

Right? Dude, this is the first time I think, ever that I even heard about your dad's side of the family. Like you. Your dad's mom. I mean, I don't remember a lot of the church, so it's possible, but no, I don't remember ever hearing about her.

[Joey Diaz]

No, that was done. Done when it started. No reason to tolerate that shit. I'm not taking it from friends and I'm not taking it from family. And now, like, I don't even. A couple years ago, fucking. Some idiot popped up on Facebook saying that he was my half brother. And some other idiot from North Bergen actually believed it and gave him my number.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, no.

[Joey Diaz]

Without calling me. I'm at Jimmy Florentine's watching a football game, and this. My phone rings. I think it's my sister or my fucking good cousins. And it's my half stepbrother.

[Lee Syatt]

I didn't even know you had a half step brother.

[Joey Diaz]

You think I did? It was a fucking surprise to me, too.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, no. Gee. How did you get rid of him?

[Joey Diaz]

I told him I was watching the Jets. No, he called and I'm like, hey, man. He's like, I don't know if you know about me. My dad, your dad. Our dad was married to my mom. First. And then something happened. They broke up. And then my dad met your mom and they had you, and I never saw him again. And you know all this shit. And you know, I went to prison in Cuba. I have the same story as you. And he was called around to see if he'd get sponsored because they had a new sponsor system out of Cuba.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, okay.

[Joey Diaz]

Well, you have to put your bank account up and money up. No, no, that's pretty ballsyou need 500 to get up here. I'll give it to you. Yeah, you need a basement. I'll put you on this couch right here. But I'm not sponsoring nobody. I don't need none of you fucking Cuban criminals coming up here stabbing somebody, and I gotta do time at 64. No, no, no.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, like it's that serious. Like, you're basically signing up bail form.

[Joey Diaz]

So he called me first to feel me out, and I was like, listen, this is all great and Danny, can we talk about this during the week? It's Sunday at 2:00, right?

[Lee Syatt]

It's the first I'm hearing of it.

[Joey Diaz]

It's Sunday at fucking 2:00. I'm not, you know. And then he never called me. And then my uncle called me like a week later and he goes, listen, all your cousins are calling now because they want to get. There's a new type of sponsorship and they tried to get me to do it and they asked me for my bank account. And I told him, it looks like you're gonna stay in Cuba. I'll send you money, I'll send you a lifeline, but I'm not giving you my fucking bank account.

[Lee Syatt]

No, you can't risk. You have too much going on.

[Joey Diaz]

No, I'm not. I'm not doing any of that stuff. I got a daughter. That's all I give a fuck. You know what I'm saying? I can't. I just can't.

[Lee Syatt]

So did your. Did having mercy, like, make you change your mindset? Is that when, like, your mindset started to change about, about, like all these other people? Like a family had called, you know, 20 years ago and you had a little bit of money? Like, what do you what it is? Like, the fact that you have, like, a family that.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, if you know anything about me, I'll help anybody, but there's a difference between helping and conning. Okay? You know, that's it. That's it. If any of my friends call me, listen, I got hit by a car last night. My fucking engine flew out or something like that. I'M more prone to help you. Thank you. Oops. What a coincidence. We're cousins now. You know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syatt]

My name's Diaz, too.

[Joey Diaz]

What a coincidence. You know, he didn't ask for money. He just wanted to see if I take the papers for sponsorship. I told him I go. I have my own problems. I don't have no fucking passport.

[Lee Syatt]

Right?

[Joey Diaz]

I'm not really legal or not legal. You know, I told you I went to that UFC last week. I didn't tell you guys the whole fucking story of what I went through mentally, because I went to the UFC and I fucking ate the edibles. And I sat there and I went to my pocket, I had a little baggie with maybe a gram. Did I tell you this? Last week with maybe a gram of mushrooms, right? Maybe it was the bottom of enigmas. And I took half and I ate them. But as I was eating them, I realized I'm in the fucking front row, on camera, with a baggie in my fucking hand. And I'm like, they're gonna throw me under the fucking jail. And finally, I started getting high on everything. And I noticed when I would sit back that there was a fucking agent looking at me. Just at me like locked eyes. And she had another agent that was just looking. It was a woman with white hair that was cute. And another partner that was a white dude. And they were looking at me like. So now in my THC paranoia and in the mushroom paranoia, I'm thinking, I fucked up. They saw the mushroom bag. But not only that, I gave them my Social Security number and my background information.

[Lee Syatt]

Why?

[Joey Diaz]

Because that's what I needed to give them before I went to the ufc. Cause Trump was the president.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, shit. They did that?

[Joey Diaz]

Yes.

[Lee Syatt]

Holy shit.

[Joey Diaz]

So now I'm sitting there going, I'm going to fucking jail tonight. Everybody thought I was looking at Kyle Harrison's ass. I'm like, I'm going to fucking jail. They're just waiting for me to get up. And then one time, I asked the guy, I gotta go to the bathroom. He goes, you don't want to go over there. Come to the back.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, no.

[Joey Diaz]

And he pulled me. And I had to walk past those people, dawg. They did everything but sniff me. They knew I was on something. They were, like, looking at me the whole way. I'm like, God damn it. They're gonna fucking arrest me. And he's like, no, no, no, no. Cause it was Rogan's handler. And he's, you know, fucking whatever the fuck he is, he's like, no, I know that lady. She's not gonna do nothing to you.

[Lee Syatt]

Jesus.

[Joey Diaz]

I was scared the whole night that I was gonna get up to leave and they were gonna go, Mr. Diaz, we need to talk to you.

[Lee Syatt]

Did you even know you had, like. Did you bring mushrooms to the ufc, or did you just forget that you had mushrooms in your pocket?

[Joey Diaz]

I brought them. I brought them to have a good time. I'm going to have a good time. I don't. Listen, I didn't bring mushrooms to purposely take.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay?

[Joey Diaz]

I took them just in case I bump into somebody and the party started and I want to be there.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, but then it didn't. But then you didn't bump into anybody. You just took all of them?

[Joey Diaz]

No, I took, like, half the bag and it hit me a little bit. Oh, yeah, that's it.

[Lee Syatt]

Did the mushrooms get you anxious? Is that why you were freaking out, or.

[Joey Diaz]

I think it was both in my anxiety and my paranoia.

[Lee Syatt]

Fuck.

[Joey Diaz]

But I sat there half the night going, I fucked up. These motherfuckers are going to arrest me. They got me. Yeah.

[Lee Syatt]

I don't think it would have mattered on Pay Per View, unlike espn, maybe. They would have been upset.

[Joey Diaz]

No, everything. It's not Pay Per View. It's not espn. I'm worried about its mushrooms. It's a half a gram. They're gonna give me a ticket and smack it. That's not what I'm worried about. I'm worried about them taking my real Social Security fucking number, okay? That's what I'm worried about. Oh, I'm not worried about the mushrooms, you fuck.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, I thought it was the mushrooms.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm worried about them picking me up with ice. I told them last week, I didn't take the garbage out. I took it out today for the first time, okay? I don't need this shit in my life. They don't know. I don't fucking know.

[Lee Syatt]

Right?

[Joey Diaz]

Listen. When I was. One day, I went snooping upstairs, and when we lived in Givinha Terrace, I don't know nothing about nothing. I'm maybe nine. I go snooping upstairs, and there's this little fucking box that you open up, and it's got, like. It's supposed to be for perfumes, but my mother used it for pictures. And I went in one of the things and I took it out, and it was this piece of black paper. Black paper, George, like this. This. This black paper with white lettering. So there was my birth certificate from Cuba.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, shit.

[Joey Diaz]

Okay. And they said, jose Antonio Diaz. And all this Shit. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. My father was a waiter, which he wasn't. I don't know why it said waiter on there. And something else and a bunch of bullshit from Cuba. And I took that birth certificate as a kid, and I, you know, I had it. And then I think when I went to get my driver's license, a little after that, I lost it. So that's 1980-81. I lose my fucking birth certificate. And I don't have a birth certificate for years. And then throughout the years, I lose my fucking driver's license. I just lost the car. I had no id. In those days, you didn't need a fucking ID to fly. When I got to Colorado, I went to get a job. And they're like, you need a license, Social Security card and a birth certificate. I'm like, are you fucking kidding me? And my friend goes, you get your birth certificate. Just call and send it, whatever it is. Box 25. What is it? Zip code 10002. You know, you send it and they send you a birth certificate, right? I'm like, how would they have my Cuban birth certificate? I'm like, I'm gonna get a letter from them going, joey, we don't have a birth certificate. It came in the mail and it was brand new and completely different than what was said on the other one.

[Lee Syatt]

Really?

[Joey Diaz]

There was no lettering, there was no waiters, there was nothing. It just said, jose Antonio Diaz, born February 1963, some hospital. And it was a seal and everything from New York. And I go, I'll take it.

[Lee Syatt]

I'm not gonna ask. I'm not gonna start. Nothing.

[Joey Diaz]

Then I had to make a copy of that, send it back to get my Social Security card.

[Lee Syatt]

Yep.

[Joey Diaz]

And I got my license. But that's how I did it. But I never knew. So I don't really know.

[Lee Syatt]

So you don't wanna fuck around that house.

[Joey Diaz]

So when I was a kid, all my mother told me was, yeah, you were born in Cuba. Cuba, Cuba. But when I went to LA in 85, my uncle's like, oh, you were born in New York? And I'm like, what the fuck?

[Lee Syatt]

So you don't even know? You're not even really sure?

[Joey Diaz]

I don't know.

[Lee Syatt]

Damn. Why would your mom. Who do you think is right.

[Joey Diaz]

She drank Heineken's with V8 for breakfast.

[Lee Syatt]

Every day.

[Joey Diaz]

And if she missed breakfast, she put a raw egg in it.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, and a beer with a orange juice, tomato juice. That's fucked up. Yeah. I might believe your uncle. Fuck.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't fucking know. So. I don't know. It's Secret Service. When they look you up, they don't look you up for fucking jaywalking.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, but I don't. If the Secret Service was there, they don't, like, let you wait. Like, they'll just tackle you.

[Joey Diaz]

No, they're not gonna tackle me to ufc. Everybody else is getting tackled. They're not gonna tackle me. They're gonna come over and say, we need to have a word with you real quick outside in the gazebo. Walk out there with them, and there's two other cars. Listen, we found some problems in your birth certificate, and we'd like to take you to whatever. That's what I thought was gonna happen in my mind.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

That's how I live. I live like that.

[Lee Syatt]

Like the worst is gonna happen.

[Joey Diaz]

No, that fucking ice is gonna come get me any fucking day now. I'll be out in that thing. You'll have to get yourself a chubby white chick to come out there and save me and bang on the bus. Hos Antonio. Hos Antonio. Wear a flag, a Cuban flag out there. Half Jew, half Cuban.

[Lee Syatt]

I'll get Israel on the case, you.

[Joey Diaz]

Get a gun on the case. Forget about it.

[Lee Syatt]

Can you. That would suck if that happened.

[Joey Diaz]

So, yeah, I'm scared to pieces every fucking day. It's funny. I was just telling George and I went to a party on Saturday, and Dave the cop was there, and I was talking to Dave, and I was telling Dave, he asked me a question about something. I go, dave, right after I robbed Kent Vella, Rest in peace. Right after I robbed Ken Bella, maybe, like, two months ago, I was watching a show, I'm out on bail, and I'm watching a stupid show at night about a guy that went to a dance in high school and got into an argument with another guy. The guy hit him with a bottle, but he took the guy and bit his fucking hero.

[Lee Syatt]

Damn.

[Joey Diaz]

Like, in 1950 fucking nine at a dance. He lived in, like, somewhere close to, like, Idaho. And he went home and he told his parents, and his parents were scared for him, so they flew him to an aunt's house in Lake Cleveland, and he went to Cleveland. He finished high school, he went to college, got his high school, his college degree, married his high school sweetheart, fucking had kids, became a pillar in his community, lived under an alias for 35 fucking years. And one day he was cooking and he cut his hand. And he went to the hospital, and they ran a background check, and they threw him in fucking jail. They were gonna fucking Throw him in jail for 20 years. But then they. The big argument was, hey, he's been in the community for 35 fucking years without even getting a J ticket. A fucking jaywalking ticket, right? So he ended up doing, like three years. You know, I always remembered that story. Of course, I always. When I got in trouble, the guy at the Hertz thing kept saying, my buddy owns the Costa Rica one. We'll get you down there and you can get in the management program. We'll change your number, you change your name. And I'm like, man, I can never come back to the United States, no. Like, I could never, you know, thank.

[Lee Syatt]

God he didn't do it. Do you feel the urge to do it at all? Were you like, oh, may that. You know what?

[Joey Diaz]

Maybe no, because I knew the deal. And I'm lucky I didn't because I got sentenced in August, and that's September America's Most Wanted came out.

[Lee Syatt]

I don't know if you would have been on America's Most Wanted.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm just saying, you dumb fuck, that you never know. You don't have to kill, so you don't have to kill somebody being America's Most Wanted, right?

[Lee Syatt]

They could have always caught you.

[Joey Diaz]

If it's a fucking fraudulent check and you keep doing it, right, and if they have a hard time catching somebody, they'll put you on America's Most Wanted, even if it's for fucking selling drugs.

[Lee Syatt]

Jesus.

[Joey Diaz]

If they have, like four or five years and they can't and you're fucking with them, like in and out of the neighborhood and shit, then they'll go, fuck it. If they know you're around, if they're getting reports, they'll put you on America's Most Wanted. Or local stations. America's Most Wanted, the bootleg ones. Because now most towns have them.

[Lee Syatt]

They do. I haven't seen.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, you watch the news. All of a sudden it's like, have you seen this man? And it's like, you know, wanted for burglary, halitosis, you know, whatever else he's got.

[Lee Syatt]

And it would have, like, you know me, I'm a pussy. I would have, like, jail would freak me out. But I can imagine, like, if you. Let's say you did bail and, like, run away before your case. It's not like you would have had a relaxing life at the Hurts and the Dominican Republic. It would have been like a fuck.

[Joey Diaz]

No.

[Lee Syatt]

Depressed.

[Joey Diaz]

No. I know a guy now that can't come to Jersey. He's been gone for 30 years. He left a little before me, maybe 35 years.

[Lee Syatt]

Is he still in the country?

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, yeah.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

He just can't come back to Jersey. Just Jersey.

[Lee Syatt]

Does it fuck with him?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, he had to turn it into something else to make it easier for him. Right. You know, you not wanting to go back to Jersey is one thing. You not allowed to go back to Jersey, that's another dog. Yeah, that's fucking crazy. I could say to you, I hate Jersey. I'm sick of the tolls. I'm sick of fucking, you know, not having money at the tolls. Now they want to send me a fucking bill. You know, you can do whatever the fuck you want, but when they don't let you in, that's completely different. Who doesn't want to come back home when you're 65 years old to see your friends? You know, I think only like one friend, two friends would Visit them in 30 years I've seen him. Cause he comes to my shows in Austin and Houston and shit. But it's weird. That's a weird fucking life, man, to have, you know? But in the contrast to that, I'm asking you about this now. What about a person without a warrant that comes from another country, like the people in LA last week? And again, I'm not political, but I want you to think about this. What if you came to this country and you're hardworking, you didn't rape nobody, you didn't sell drugs, you're not in violation with the cartel, and you, you get a job, your wife works, you raised your kids, maybe they got a scholarship to ufc, they came and scooped your ass up last week just for being illegal.

[Lee Syatt]

Right?

[Joey Diaz]

What's the argument there? If you're a politician, because again, you haven't done nothing. 37 years, so what? What the fuck? You didn't have one week to go get your American ship.

[Lee Syatt]

They make it hard. That's like.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, they make it really hard.

[Lee Syatt]

And it's like, for someone who's not, like, too dumb to be political, like the criminals and stuff, yet get them out of here. And even then, also, like, I like, you're right. There are a lot of people who do it the right way and. And you should do it the right way. But if you've been here and, you know, trying to do things, or even if you're not trying to be a citizen, but you, you have a job at a farm you have, who really care. I get that. Like, that it is. I see both sides of it and, and like to hear. And I know you're you're being funny.

[Joey Diaz]

But, like, I'm not here.

[Lee Syatt]

But to hear that you're, like, scared must suck.

[Joey Diaz]

Like, oh, no. That I'm being funny about.

[Lee Syatt]

Right, Right.

[Joey Diaz]

But you really got to think about it. Yeah. Like, they could make mistakes.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, yeah. It's so easy to make a mistake.

[Joey Diaz]

I mean, listen, if one of them picked me up, one's going, oh, no, I've seen him on Joe Rogan. He's okay. One of them, I hope, would say, no, that's not the guy. I've seen him on Joe Rogan. Let's call the police. Let's make sure. Let's double check. Let's take a look.

[Lee Syatt]

But it seems like they're grabbing everybody, which is like.

[Joey Diaz]

But here's the funny thing. I don't know if anybody. You guys saw this. The New York Times put a thing on the other day about Rubio's father. No. That he was here illegally, the whole thing. And now Rubio's part of it. Let me tell you something, okay? There's still Cubans here. Right where we go eat, right down there that have been here 40 years, and they're still walking around.

[Lee Syatt]

Do you think they're. Do you think they're nervous? Or if they're, like, they're so hidden.

[Joey Diaz]

Maybe, maybe not. Maybe. What are you gonna do? Take them back to Cuba? They're 50, they're 90 already. They don't give a fuck.

[Lee Syatt]

And the thing like that would freak me out. And. Because I see. I follow two people on Instagram right now. Alfred Robles and. And Jesus Trejo. Like, Jesus was going to shoot a special. He had to. To delay it. And it's like, it does, like, the part that would scare me, and it's like, this is like, white privilege is like, what if you're 100% a citizen or you have, like, a green card and, like, you are trying to do things the right way, and, like, I would feel nervous as, like, a Spanish person that they're just gonna come grab me no matter what.

[Joey Diaz]

No matter what. No matter what.

[Lee Syatt]

Like, that must be a shitty way to.

[Joey Diaz]

You have to have a little bit of fear if you have brown skin right now.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You could be walking down the street, going to buy a fucking pastelito, and all of a sudden, a fucking guy pulls up with a car with a hook. And these motherfuckers, dog. It's like when you bomb on stage, they have that hook and they pull you in, and you're like, wait, one more joke. Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. Right and they come up with Subarus. Oh, no, they're pulling up with lesbian.

[Lee Syatt]

Cars, tricking you with the Subarus.

[Joey Diaz]

They're not those black cars. They're not anything. They're fucking slick, quick and bad to the bone. They execute those things. You don't even know what hit you. You're talking.

[Lee Syatt]

No.

[Joey Diaz]

No say. No say. And they're walking into the car, okay?

[Lee Syatt]

When?

[Joey Diaz]

It doesn't matter, we'll go down to the station and sort it out. Tell it to the judge, motherfucker.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, my God. Dude, it's. It's getting crazy out there for, like, every. Like, look, we joke about the bombs in Israel, but on both sides, imagine. Imagine if there were rockets.

[Joey Diaz]

Iran was fucking them up this afternoon. Fucking them up. Israel was like, we don't. But Israel ain't. Israel's rope would open them. Right now. Israel's about to drop the big one. You know, like Red Fox used to always say, I got the big one, Elizabeth. Yeah, it's coming, Elizabeth. I feel the big one. They just rope a dopam right now. Taking little punches. Yeah. You blew up Tel Aviv. Okay, okay. I mean, listen, if you think the pager plot was brilliant, did you see how they did this last one? They did a commotion and got them all together, and within a split fucking second, they bombed them when they were all there. That's fucking intelligence to the fucking max. They know everything. They got you, man. They got you. I mean, if you thought the pager was brilliant, they tested the pager to make sure that if you blew up, the person next to you wouldn't blow up. The kindness of the Jews never seems to amaze.

[Lee Syatt]

Often overlooked. Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Often overlooked.

[Lee Syatt]

The kindness of the Jews.

[Joey Diaz]

But this blow up when they got everybody together and just fucking pulled the trigger when they were all together, yelling and screaming, what are we gonna do? He got the nuclear people. He got the fucking heads of the thing. I mean, at least they're not crying. And there was no babies in that room. You know what I'm saying? White people would have been, oh, there was a baby in the room.

[Lee Syatt]

But it does. I did. Sometimes when I get high, I get freaked out. Like, just even being in the city now, like, if I was saying, like, if anyone's gonna drop a bomb anywhere in the country, New York is top three. Like, between DC, NY and LA, there's a good chance if a bomb's getting dropped, like, it's just something we have to live with.

[Joey Diaz]

They already dropped a bomb in la. It was called that. Fire.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And Nobody has said a word about that fire ever again. It's like the riots as soon as Israel bombed Iran. We're leaving L. A. Huh? It's just that one Mexican with the flag bothering people. Poor bastard. The flag was bigger than him. He was out there. He looked like one of Columbus's guys on the boat that was pushing his sails. You never saw that guy.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

But anyway, it's nice to see you, Lee.

[Lee Syatt]

Nice to see you, buddy.

[Joey Diaz]

We've had guests the last two weeks, the whole thing. Where you at this week?

[Lee Syatt]

This week? On Thursday the 19th, I met the Shortstop Bar and Grill in Westfield.

[Joey Diaz]

And?

[Lee Syatt]

And I got shows coming up at the end of the month.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm doing a surprise show on the 19th My damn self.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Thursday night. You better kiss yourself.

[Lee Syatt]

Fuck yeah. Do you know what do you want to announce where? It's just gonna be a surprise.

[Joey Diaz]

No, I'm just gonna announce it Thursday morning. Not even. I'm gonna announce it Thursday at 6.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, that's badass.

[Joey Diaz]

Like Prince and the Revolution. Did you know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syatt]

That's so cool.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't care if three people show up.

[Lee Syatt]

Although they'll be running.

[Joey Diaz]

It'll be like smoke weed there too. So I'm gonna be.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, yeah. Oh, man.

[Joey Diaz]

That's what I'm looking to do now. A show where we could smoke a joint. The whole audience and fucking. Uncle Joey. Not everybody's joint. Your own joints. Bring your own fucking shit.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

You're not touching my joint with your fucking flu, Covid lip. You know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syatt]

That's so cool. I'm mad that I'm gonna be gone now.

[Joey Diaz]

Where are you gonna be?

[Lee Syatt]

I have to go back to Boston for a couple days.

[Joey Diaz]

We'll go take care of Mom. Then the following week, we're at the fucking dojo on Thursday.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And. And straight to NJ PAC on Friday night.

[Lee Syatt]

That's crazy. I'm getting ready for it.

[Joey Diaz]

Hell yeah. And I'm getting my tooth. You won't see me in July. And then my fucking.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, is that when they're fixing everything?

[Joey Diaz]

Everything.

[Lee Syatt]

Nice.

[Joey Diaz]

The other side. They're putting braces on for a few weeks so it looks like I have teeth.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

It's gonna be a lot of fun, you know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syatt]

NJ PAC is gonna be pretty fucking cool.

[Joey Diaz]

You know what's gonna be cool? The dojo. I love you motherfuckers. I love the dojo with all my heart and soul. We will see you next Tuesday.

[Lee Syatt]

Yes, sir.

[Joey Diaz]

Tip top, motherfucking Magoo. Stay black. Hey, beautiful people. Uncle Joe here. Listen, the summer's coming. I gotta talk to you about something. If you're having trouble getting it up and getting it on when you want to listen, you need Bluechew. All right? Bluechew sends you chewable tablets that taste like mint and will make you God in the bedroom. You'll be throwing people up in the air, hitting them with the bat of love. It's going to be tremendous. Now they even have blue chew masks which contain the same active ingredients as Viagra and Cialis, into one tablet. That works fast. Listen, I'm an old man. From time to time, things happen, I pop a Blue Chew, it's all over the shouting. Even the cat runs out of the room. Just sign [e-mail], consult with one of their licensed medical providers, and if you're approved, you'll get your prescription in just days. Listen, make life easier by getting harder and discover your [e-mail] and we got a special deal for the church family. You ready? Your first month of Bluechew is free. Just like that, free. When you press in, promo code Joey. J, O, E, Y. Just pay a fin to get in. That's $5 shipping. That's promo code Joey. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important information. And I want to thank Bluetooth for sponsoring the show.