← The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament
The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament
We're going back to the street
01:20:34
Joey Diaz tells Lee Syatt talk about bringing his daughter to meet Adam Sandler on set, the woman with the tattoo, Joey's life ersume and much more! Support the show and try your first month of BlueChew for free. Just pay $5 shipping. Use promo code...
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- [00:01]
A
What's going on there? Breath of many sperm shakes. Everything good.
- [00:06]
B
Is this how we're starting now?
- [00:08]
A
This is.
- [00:08]
B
Oh, my God. And I love it. There's gonna be. I can just see it. The compilation in, like, 40 episodes.
- [00:14]
A
Forget about it. Many sperm shakes. That's a good one.
- [00:17]
B
Oh, yeah.
- [00:17]
A
That's what I've been looking for, so get used to it. You know what I'm saying?
- [00:21]
B
Why am I going to be sperm breath?
- [00:23]
A
Not you? I'm just saying after people you speak to on a daily basis of sperm breaths.
- [00:27]
B
Oh, yeah.
- [00:28]
A
And people think they got bad breath. No, no. It's rotten sperm breath that grows in your mouth. You know what I'm saying? What's going on, Tarzan? How was Denver?
- [00:36]
B
I was. Oh, dude. Like, I've heard about it for so long.
- [00:41]
A
Oh, dude. What happened?
- [00:43]
B
What am I supposed to say? It was just the whole thing, like, from top to bottom. One of the best weekends. One of the best club. I've heard about it. I got to do it. I got to do a guest set, like, two months in. I don't know if you remember this. The last time you were there, you gave me a guest set on an early show Saturday. And it was amazing then. But to do a full and, like, it was a little bit because Josh unfortunately got sick. So on Thursday night, I did a guest set on.
- [01:10]
A
You gotta stop eating that broccoli. And.
- [01:13]
B
I know.
- [01:14]
A
Big steak.
- [01:15]
B
I think it's a celery. He eats too much celery every weekend. The only thing he has in the green room is celery. Not even anything. Not. But he doesn't dip right. Not no ranch. He doesn't dip it in ranch, but he doesn't dip it in anything.
- [01:26]
A
We have to set him down and have a little talk with him.
- [01:28]
B
I know. I tell him that.
- [01:29]
A
But he loves everything about the Denver trip, you know?
- [01:32]
B
Oh, dude, it was great.
- [01:33]
A
I always have loved it. The problem with Denver is that airport.
- [01:37]
B
Oh, my God.
- [01:39]
A
Nobody will give you roller skates. Nobody will give you a ride. It's 82 miles in the morning to walk it.
- [01:45]
B
Yeah. Oh, and they had a secret passage to, like. Because, like, the tram was full when I got in. But then the thing that, like, you don't think about with that airport is it's 40 minutes from where you're going. It's not right next to Denver. It's like you're getting in an Uber and you're going to sit there for a minute. But it was.
- [02:02]
A
Yeah, they. The old airport Stapleton was perfect.
- [02:09]
B
Oh, really?
- [02:10]
A
Rebuild this monstrosity. It takes you 10 years to get to Denver. Let me tell you something. I'm the type of guy, when I land, I want to be right there. That'll. That'll. If I'm. If I'm looking for clubs, you know, you put me on the road. That's the first thing I notice. If it's an hour drive from the hotel to the airport and back, you won't be seeing me. That much. You.
- [02:37]
B
I don't blame you.
- [02:39]
A
You know, I. I'll never forget this, like, going on the road early on. And then I would go with Rogan's, so everything was taken care of. Then you become a headliner. And it's so weird how you have to start making notes about these clubs.
- [02:56]
B
Really?
- [02:56]
A
Okay, yeah, don't go there. Crazy people, smells like a cat. So when they call you and say, hey, we want to give you another weekend, because sometimes you forget it until you get there and, you know, you open up your hotel room. Yeah, I forgot about this hotel. That's it. And now you got to work the weekend. So after about a year, I would put all the clubs and make notes like, you know, the guy chased me in the green room. He wanted to tell me about a script he wrote about Martians. Any of that shit. Like, all that went into my planning for my return. Like, I had to stop going. Like, I was going to Columbus a lot. Me and Brian, when they had that thing, there was a deal and we would get bars, but there was this one dude that kept bothering me, and then I went to the Honey Bone, and who's that? The funny bone. He is with puppy dog eyes. With a. You know, on a Saturday night with a suitcase filled with edibles. Not one of them could do anything to you. It was just joke, you know, I remember being in the hotel room meeting, like, five of them and nothing. I just left them there for the maid. I don't know what happened. I know she sent them to her cousins, but it was all that I write into the Factor.
- [04:10]
B
It's crazy. Like, I'm. Because I'm still at a point now, like, where I remember all the clubs and. And I'm also kind of like a. For comedy. So I would. Like. There's not a club I wouldn't go back to. I can't.
- [04:20]
A
But this club, you'll see. Listen, I'm a whore for comedy, and I loved a lot of. And once I started moving up, I knew I wasn't going back to those clubs. I had played I can name 10 of them right now. But I won't.
- [04:32]
B
Right?
- [04:33]
A
I knew. This is not a club. This is a. This is a jungle experience, you know?
- [04:40]
B
Yeah, yeah.
- [04:42]
A
And you're like, I'm not doing that no more. At some level. And people get mad. Those club owners get really mad, and they don't understand. Listen, you don't even have a green room. How can you show when I got 20? Or you're gonna put me in the back next to a computer and a picture ugly family. I got a sit there, no tv, a couch. You know, I just did that, like.
- [05:04]
B
That exact situation with.
- [05:05]
A
Yeah.
- [05:05]
B
And you're in the office.
- [05:07]
A
The cook looks like he escaped prison and they just gave him a job on the spot. He comes up with his arms rolled. Is. It's. It's a nightmare, right? And you just go one day, like, what am I doing to my life? This is. What am I doing? Comedy. I'm not doing this.
- [05:25]
B
And then I, like. I think. I think, like, I didn't. I don't see it as much with, like, the. Like, the bad ones or the. Not as good ones until you go to a place like, the comedy works. That does it. Perfect.
- [05:37]
A
Perfect. And then you go, okay, that place. No more. And I ain't going. You know, I started. Not even after, like, four years. I was. No more connecting flights.
- [05:47]
B
Okay.
- [05:48]
A
Avoiding them. Like, listen, it's not worth it. And the night. The people are nice on the other end. I know they don't get out much to civilization, but you know what? You're gonna have to drive to Chicago because I can't. You can't because those are the ones that you the most.
- [06:04]
B
Yeah.
- [06:05]
A
Morning. I'm only one me, but today. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- [06:14]
B
Is that your favorite word now?
- [06:16]
A
No. Yeah. No. I don't know nothing.
- [06:21]
B
I don't know nothing. Oh, I don't blame you. But that did just definitely, like, that Denver was. Everything was amazing about it. People have heard about the condo, which is great, but the local, like, the guys who were opening up the show and headlining the shows were, like, so funny that I get scared. Like, the early show Friday, it was like, I didn't have a bad set, but it wasn't the way I wanted it to be. And. And then the rest of the weekend was like, honestly, some of two of the best shows I've ever had in my life. Like, it's. I. I can't. I don't. I wouldn't leave Denver if I was. I can see why people don't leave Denver if they're there.
- [06:58]
A
You know, everybody talks about this comedy scene and that comedy scene, this comedy scene. There's nothing like the comedy works in Denver. And it's the full package club. You'll improve that. She'll give you spots. She's got two clubs. Yeah, they have an improv. They've got a thousand little one nighters.
- [07:20]
B
Yeah, that's what I was gonna say.
- [07:21]
A
Just have to peek. And Denver was always known, trust me, for comics who wrote Steve McGrew, Roger Rittenhouse, Todd Jordan. I was just thinking about the other guy that Matt this. There was two mats out of la. One of them helped me with Stand up and the other guy worked with Roseanne's. He created a bunch of shows after that. I auditioned for him years later and I'm like, that's you. You know, they had a lot of great fundamental writing. When I read a cable guy wanted to buy material, where'd he go? Denver. He bought everybody's material because.
- [08:09]
B
Yes, I get it, dude. The hosts were killing it. I was in the green room and usually the host is good but like you know, they're. I'm, I host all the time. But these hosts were just destroying it from the beginning. And the thing that like stood out to me about all the guys who. And the ladies who I work worked with were like, they were the most level headed comedians that I've like, they were all very professional and they dropped no drama. But like they took comedy seriously. Like they knew where they were. And we were talking about like the one nighters. I talked to this dude whose name is Sam Adams and he like we bonded because I'm from Boston and he like, he, we talked for like hours on Friday night about he was in the, in the, working at the newspaper for 20 years and now this comedy works. Like they have, they book shows around the country apparently and they book corporates and they book and just talk and they were, he was just talking about get writing his stuff for that and how different ones work and he. It's a full time business for him. And it was just so everyone was great. There wasn't one bad comic on it, not one bad audience. The manager, the manager. I've never done this. The manager and I went and watched the UFC on Saturday. It was just cool. From top to bottom.
- [09:25]
A
Everybody's comedy journey is different. You fall on your face, you take your party somewhere else, blah, blah, blah, blah. For some people, New York and LA work. I can't imagine being an open mic in la. But it works for some people. For others, you just keep going to club, paying $5 a night. New York is a great comedy scene. I gotta be honest with you. I started in Denver my first two and a half years. Then I came here for About a year, 10 months, whatever the it was, and I ran back to Denver. There were some personal reasons involved, but I knew one thing in the back of my mind, I knew that I would be doing way better. Listen to what I'm saying, ladies and gentlemen. I would do way quality. Better comedy in Denver than just sitting around with comics in New York at Hamburger Harry's on a Tuesday and doing $5, 5 minutes. Bring three people and everybody in the audience is a comedian.
- [10:33]
B
Mm.
- [10:34]
A
They just stare at you. There's no. That's the future for a little while. Yeah, go. You know what? What the am I doing with my life? What are these guys doing that I'm not doing? Okay. I'm jumping on board. I'm gonna start writing, I'm gonna start going to different places, but I can't keep living in an open mind. You make your own decision for me. Denver worked better for the three to five year development, six year development than New York would have. There was too many comics in New York, too many comics that I resembled and worked like the accent out here, you're a. You're one in a million. In Denver. There was one.
- [11:19]
B
There's that. There's definitely that. But I also think what you said, like, even more than just like you being unique, there is you having access to real audiences in Colorado.
- [11:29]
A
Well, listen, I had open mic slash bars. I never did like a. I never, you know, I did a coffee shop, but it was my friend's coffee shop and it was poetry. And I would go down there and drop knowledge. Then they would all get mad at me and tell me to leave. But it was, you know, Mondays was the Australian bar and they always had 10 to 15 people depending on Monday Night Football. Tuesday was the comedy works. I have to tell you what that was. Wednesday was Club 52. That was 50 bucks a steak and some comedy. You had the fat fucking opera singer. That was another 50 bucks on Wednesday night. Thursday you had El Torito. They paid you. They gave you a coupon for $50 worth of food the next time you came. And they gave you a meal that night.
- [12:20]
B
Perfect.
- [12:21]
A
You know, and that's what you do. Friday and Saturday you're delivering Domino's, trying to get even for hanging out all week.
- [12:27]
B
But when you're an open micro. Yeah, but even like at my level now where it's like I'm not only doing open mics anymore, like I would do very well in Colorado. They were talking about going to all these small towns and they do brewery shows and then the comedy works has this thing and there's other clubs in the Colorado area.
- [12:43]
A
He's grown and it's not with cowboys. Anna has grown and it's not with cowboys. Or you know, the Duttons, all those little cities that were dead growing, now they have real audiences. Idaho is a real fucking, you know, Boise is real now.
- [13:02]
B
Oh, dude.
- [13:04]
A
All Coeur d'alene is real in Idaho. So these little cities are great around Denver to develop. And you and I had 20 conversations about county development, where we were going to go next, where you wanted to go next, New York, whether it was Austin. We never discussed Denver. No, that's Denver. And it is of. If you're looking for, you know, a great lifestyle. Listen, when I started, their comics had it made. You know why? Because the best. The number one radio station was run by a comic.
- [13:40]
B
Oh, okay.
- [13:41]
A
He was putting comics on once a week. And as I was starting, he was starting to use me at used car things and special appearances. And then I left, I moved to Seattle, but it was a one. You know, you go through that system with them, next thing you know you're doing a thousand little things.
- [14:00]
B
Right. And that's. And I don't. This is nothing against any of the people I worked with or anyone who chooses this route, but if you want to be a touring comedian, do you think it would be easy to get not stuck but stay in Colorado because it's so great?
- [14:17]
A
Well, it again, it's to see what works for you. You know, listen, I know if I lived in Colorado, here it is playing fully. I'm only taking the action on the road. When that airport ain't full. I'm not. Listen, it's not worth the aggravate. You see what it is, it's two 40 minute rides in and out. Right there, right there. You're talking about one something, you know, and that slows you down a little bit.
- [14:43]
B
Oh yeah.
- [14:44]
A
And the snow and. But here's the deal. You want to travel the bulk of people isn't from now till February, then it slows down a little bit. Then taxes and blah, blah, blah. But if you were in Denver, you could do the east coast and regular times the west coast. And during the snow months between Aspen, Wyoming, Montana and Colorado alone, you can make a living and not get on a Plane you could drive with two buddies. Whatever the you want to do. It's dangerous. There's deer, there's ice, there's this, there's that. But it's better than being stuck at a fucking airport. And especially in Denver, when I was going to move during the pandemic, we.
- [15:32]
B
Telluride, I didn't know that.
- [15:34]
A
Fuck yeah. That was the first place we looked. And here was the problem with Telluride that they had a fucking functioning airport. Whatever airports down there. I'm not. Whatever was Grand Junction, maybe one of those airports was for me. They didn't in this. In the wintertime. They had action all year. Like it was a regular airport. You had one flight out and one flight in. Oh no, like four in the afternoon. And you know, so I was like.
- [16:08]
B
That was smart that you looked at the flights. I wouldn't even have even thought about that.
- [16:12]
A
That's my business you have to look at. I'm getting myself into. You think I'm gonna buy a house an hour from the airport. Go yourself, I gotta buy clothes to the airport. This is my business.
- [16:26]
B
Right.
- [16:26]
A
I don't want to be in a car half my life. I do not. You know, it's just personal choices that you go. And you said it best before with like Denver, Denver does it so right. There's so many places that do it so right that when you go to a place you're like, what the fuck? Where'd they come from? Wendy has been doing it right since I got on stage in her club the first time. And I will tell you that with all the sincerity in the world. She had a system in 91 that she was bringing in a headline a Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and then flying another one in Friday, Saturday, Sunday. She was. She had the game down 30 years ago. And I'm here to tell you.
- [17:20]
B
You can see it.
- [17:22]
A
She was the only comedian, comedy club owner that ever paid a headliner to do a writer's class with her features and open micros because she knew the future would come from within.
- [17:38]
B
Yeah, they still do it. They have like a whole system at the new talent night where like when you start, three minutes, four minutes. Yeah.
- [17:45]
A
Hello. You know what the are we talking about here?
- [17:50]
B
Oh yeah, it's fantastic. I had a great time.
- [17:53]
A
So a lot of the news this weekend, craziness, you know, my best wishes. The show's best wishes to Tony. I mean, you know, I could see him, he's a comedian and they put him in the wrong stage. You know, you forget that New York is Not the same New York as before, and it's very politically correct. And, you know, let's see what happens. I don't know. I don't know anything politically. I just heard this a little bit last night and a little bit this morning. I don't know what's going on. It's too much, you know, I haven't looked or anything. I don't even want to look. I don't even want to look. Lee, no.
- [18:39]
B
What would happen if you look? Like, what? Would he upset you?
- [18:44]
A
You know, man, he's worked so hard for so many things, and I'd rather he had kicked the fucking reporter in the neck or run over somebody, you know, whatever, To. To work, you know? And I listen, I know where his heart is, but that's where a lot of people don't, right? So right now they're labeling you a racist. Unless they label you a racist. Jesus Christ. You know? And today's racist is worse than 20 years ago. Twenty years ago, we all had the neighbors, the Nate, the racist neighborhood. We accepted them.
- [19:22]
B
Yeah, I don't think I had that.
- [19:25]
A
Yeah, I had that. He was racing towards me. That's why I'll never forget that he would always tell me, go home and play the conga drums. And, you know, he would always say to me.
- [19:37]
B
And you. Would you yell at him or with him?
- [19:41]
A
I would just giggle. And then one day I snapped, and we became best friends after that. Him to suck my dick, like in the eighth grade or something. He was giving me about dribbling the basketball, that Cubans don't play basketball. And I just unleashed on him, and we became friends after. I used to sit in this porch and say racist things along with him. I'm not gonna lie, because he was very funny, you know, that's not where.
- [20:07]
B
I thought this story was gonna go. I thought there was.
- [20:11]
A
You want me to lie to you? He said some racist that was off the chart, including Spanish stuff. That's why I laughed, right? The reason I liked the guy and I even went off on him was because he would just always come up with it. If he had one joke a day for me, three a week, I would appreciate him more. But I got to a point where he always had a creepy joke. So I light him on fire, you know? And he used to say it with a smile on his face like everybody else in that neighborhood said it. So I knew what a racist was. But he was more of a racist. Like, he hated everybody, right? He hated Italian people. He was Italian, you know, so.
- [20:47]
B
Sounds like, he's just an over him.
- [20:49]
A
And he would just go off and I'd go, huh. I never looked at it that way. He opened up my eyes to a lot of different things. It was like taking a summer course.
- [21:02]
B
I was gonna say, dude, do you ever, like, use any of his, like, lines as inspiration for any of yours?
- [21:07]
A
Oh, I have a ton of lines. He used to say, none of them are any good. Nobody ever quoted that. You know what I'm saying? You'll never see a quote from Mr. Altino that put you on the right path. It was always listen. And I remember because I was the Cuban Me Valentine. And then you had a German next to him. Like, she was German. The husband was Italian. He hated that. Who would marry a Hitler? And this and that. And then he didn't like Puerto Rican. Nelson, he used to call. He used to call me something. And then a Cuban kid moved in, Raul. And we robbed the stereo. And then I couldn't. He couldn't come to my house. When he moved in, that guy really started going off. Debra left. Everybody started leaving. That was the last pick on the block. And he would always say to me, like, you gotta cut some chickens today, you know? He would always say anything to me. He would say horrible things sometimes. Like, not about my family, but just right. He would mix the Cubans and other racially hated groups together and.
- [22:17]
B
Yeah. Who did he like? If he, if he was Italian and he hated Italians. Did he anybody Italians?
- [22:24]
A
He hated young Italians. He didn't like. He liked one Italian kid on his block that was my age.
- [22:31]
B
He liked one person.
- [22:33]
A
In fact. I gotta call that kid soon.
- [22:36]
B
Oh, that's so funny. Let's. Yeah. Why does he like him?
- [22:40]
A
I don't know. Because he had acne? I don't know. All I know is that I took like a. I, I, I should have put that. I'm just angry. I should have put three credits for a racism course I took in 76. Three months on how to be a rape. That's what I became, a racist. It's like taking a course on auto mechanics. I took one of those too. I'm not a mechanic.
- [23:08]
B
I would love to see your resume. You should write a resume.
- [23:12]
A
For what? Just for you.
- [23:13]
B
Just like your life experience. Like, took a racism course when, like, all the. You did. Like, we could put a lot of. It took 3,000 milligrams in a cheese box.
- [23:28]
A
I don't know.
- [23:29]
B
Like, all this.
- [23:32]
A
Rob the bar mitzvah. Yeah. No, no, I gotta. That's a great tombstone. That Guy better bring the hammer, the chisel. He's gonna be there for a few weeks chiseling all my credits because I don't want that devoted father husband out of here. That's the same lingo, jingo. You put up every one of these douchebags. Meanwhile, the guy's got a chick from Thailand in the basement living in a duck somewhere. He's devoted. He loves everybody. Give me a break.
- [24:04]
B
Oh, my God. What?
- [24:07]
A
What? How many milligrams are slipping again?
- [24:12]
B
I didn't. I took 100. I was. I'm just trying to remember what we were talking about.
- [24:15]
A
A thousand.
- [24:16]
B
No. Jesus Christ. 150. I'm trying to up it a little bit.
- [24:21]
A
150. Where'd you get the 50 from? You mixed them?
- [24:24]
B
No, I didn't. I. Yeah.
- [24:26]
A
No.
- [24:27]
B
I don't know where they went, but they're somewhere.
- [24:30]
A
I'm watching you.
- [24:33]
B
Oh, my God. It's good to see you, dude. I. Oh, I was talking to somebody about this. Do you remember the last time you were going to send me to Colorado? Do you remember that story?
- [24:46]
A
No.
- [24:47]
B
You and Connor Hewn sent me a picture of a girl with her tattooed.
- [24:52]
A
Oh, that's right. Her asshole tattooed.
- [24:54]
B
And you were going to send me, like, there to, like, record a podcast or like, an interview with her, and.
- [24:59]
A
Then she, like, your face, kind of heat it all up for you.
- [25:03]
B
But you had him messaging me, and it's like. It's like, I knew it wasn't going to happen. I knew it.
- [25:09]
A
But you knew it was going to happen. You were scared. You kept getting out of it.
- [25:13]
B
I didn't get out of it. I packed a bag. You had me pack a bag for this trip. I had fucking, like, recording equipment in there. I had a full thing because I was like, 90% sure I wasn't going to Colorado. But then there's also a small chance of going to Colorado to interview this woman who has her tattooed. And like, finally, like, an hour before, like, at my flight, you call me and you're like, yeah, she canceled. Like, you play. I think you said it was my fault. Like, I guess scared her away.
- [25:45]
A
I forgot all about that. She was like, I'm embarrassed. My husband says it would be weird. Nobody wants to see my. With a rabbit coming out of it. They do.
- [25:56]
B
It was nice. I just don't think we, like. I couldn't believe that, like, because you would do that. You would send me there.
- [26:03]
A
I would go there myself. I just couldn't. I was married at the time. She want to do Like a little sex video with you.
- [26:09]
B
She did not want to do a sex video.
- [26:12]
A
You want to sit on your face. That's why you were humming and stuttering.
- [26:16]
B
Well, well, hey. Yeah, Especially back then. You just showed me a random girl with her tattooed dude. I. I'm a nerdy, like, weird guy now. Back then I was a mess.
- [26:29]
A
What about the chick that was going to come in? She kept torturing you. She told you to buy pineapple.
- [26:34]
B
Oh, yeah.
- [26:35]
A
And aspires. He went home and ate his stuff.
- [26:38]
B
I didn't. Asparagus. I ate pineapple. But asparagus would make it taste even worse.
- [26:42]
A
Then she called you the morning of and told you she had to get brain surgery.
- [26:46]
B
No. Like, someone else had to get surgery.
- [26:49]
A
No, no, it was her.
- [26:51]
B
It wasn't her. It wasn't her. It was even worse.
- [26:53]
A
Nothing about a tumor. Now you're gonna drop the bad news on me on a Friday when I got a tumor between my legs ready to blow up? You know what I'm saying? These people got no respect. And she made you eat pineapple?
- [27:06]
B
Well, I mean, that's not the worst thing to have happen to anybody, like eating pineapple. But, yeah, I did eat pie. I. Trust me. I don't normally buy pineapple.
- [27:13]
A
I do. It's delicious with coconut water and protein powder.
- [27:17]
B
Well, it'd be good. I should eat a pineapple.
- [27:19]
A
What happened?
- [27:20]
B
I should eat more pineapple. Oh, that was. Yeah, that was about. Because she. She. The thing was that she was in an open relationship and she was going to come out to LA and we were gonna hang out and you know.
- [27:36]
A
What means yes, Somebody's gonna get vd.
- [27:43]
B
Is that what it stands for?
- [27:45]
A
Everybody has no relationship until you start scratching and things feel funny. You see something pop from your knee to the ball sack. You know, everybody has an open relationship till somebody goes to a club and picks up some worm and.
- [27:59]
B
Oh, no.
- [28:01]
A
That's why as soon as you agree an open relationship, just put a gun to the ad and go to the health department and file because you don't be there with weeks.
- [28:11]
B
I could never be in an open relationship. But this, like, because, like, people ask me sometimes, there was like, one person ever, because I had a girlfriend, the whole podcast. So, like, I know that never. And when I didn't, I was 300 pounds. So, like, it never. Nothing ever happened. So. But this one time, this girl and I would talk for, like, a couple weeks or I forget, like, a while, and she would send me crazy, and it was awesome. But then the day of it was her boyfriend. Her boyfriend's partner had brain surgery. And she would still come, but we could. We wouldn't be like doing anything. It would just be as like a friend. I was like, well, like, we don't need to.
- [28:51]
A
I gotta cook. Why are you here?
- [28:57]
B
I've done someone else about that. That you. Every, every week I go to her house. And you'd be like, what's her mom doing there?
- [29:05]
A
Yeah, what's her mom doing there? Sitting there making believe like she's needed. You ain't cooking. I'm saying go sell some chick lays somewhere. You were like a year away from moving. The mother.
- [29:18]
B
I was not.
- [29:19]
A
The cousin, the sister. I saved your life.
- [29:22]
B
Oh, my. You didn't do that.
- [29:23]
A
I. Right now, three Mexican kids, she would have been tipping the scales at a mere 280, 290 loans coming out of your ears. You would have been learning how to speak Spanish it up. You would have been on that app right now speaking Spanish by now. You would have been.
- [29:41]
B
No, we wouldn't have been in Mexico. You realize we haven't started this?
- [29:46]
A
The podcast? Yeah, let's start it. Greetings from podcast bill. It's Tuesday 29th October. The check in is brought to you by. You ready, Blue Chew? We're getting you ready for Halloween. Listen up, cocksuckers. First impressions are important, but a lasting impression gets your places. Let Blue Chew help you leave a lasting and impression. Blue Chew helps give men longer lasting, stronger erections. Is that what you're looking for? Bluechew's got it. They're on an online service that sends ED meds right to your door. They got that same active ingredients as Viagra, Cialis and Levitra. Only at a fraction of the cost does it work. Listen, I'm 61. I still got going on. But when I want to put bullets in those guns, I pop a little Blue Chew and you're ready to rock. You understand me? Tip top, Magoo. Like the name says. Blue Chew. It's chewable, so you can easily take it anytime, anywhere. And within minutes, you'll have a glow on your face like, you know, like you showed up with a magic trick. Bluetooth wants you to have confidence to perform at your best. So discover all your options@bluetooth.com. listen to me. Checking listeners can try Bluetooth for free. When you press in, promo code Diaz at checkout. Diaz. That's it. And pay 5 hours for shipping the small fin to live like a doctor for a weekend. You know what I'm saying? That's Bluetooth.com promo code Diaz to receive your first month free. Visit Bluetooth.com for more details and safety information. And we thank Bluetooth for sponsoring the podcast. Let's get this party started. It's a beautiful Tuesday morning. Enough. Your TVs run for your lives. It's over. They didn't put you on this planet just to give up. If Uncle Joey could do it, I can rule the world. That's what you gotta be thinking. Are you nuts or what? Listen, I'm really excited because, Lee, if everything goes well, we should be the out of here in two weeks.
- [32:21]
B
Love it.
- [32:23]
A
We should wait. Yeah. I can't wait to slam this zoom. I'm gonna beat him up. I don't want to see a zoom ever again. Next time I'm gonna see a zoom is when I go to prison and plead guilty.
- [32:35]
B
For what?
- [32:36]
A
I have no idea.
- [32:38]
B
Has anyone ever made out someone else's, like, brain crack? The way you're talking about this podcast.
- [32:43]
A
What do you mean?
- [32:44]
B
Like, what do you mean? What I mean, you keep. Like. I. I don't. It's a lot to jump back into.
- [32:50]
A
What is?
- [32:51]
B
Just the amount of whatever we're gonna do.
- [32:55]
A
It's just one podcast a week. No, no.
- [32:57]
B
Not a man of podcast. I'm so excited for the podcast. I'm trying to be. I'm making a joke about how, like the edibles and stuff.
- [33:04]
A
Oh, yeah. We got to go back into training because you have been a complete. You know, you've been lost since.
- [33:10]
B
I haven't been lost. I just don't do 8, 000 milligrams anymore.
- [33:13]
A
No, you don't. Everything is a number. You can't because you're gonna drive.
- [33:18]
B
Yeah. That's a big one, don't you think?
- [33:21]
A
Two years you haven't done more than the gram of mushroom.
- [33:24]
B
No, I've done way more than that. Don't I have witnesses?
- [33:28]
A
Josh Wolf tells me two to two.
- [33:30]
B
And a half every time we gotta.
- [33:33]
A
Break that rusty cage. Like, why? I'm garden.
- [33:37]
B
I like that cage. That cage is safe. Nothing bad happens in the cage.
- [33:40]
A
We don't want to be safe no more. We're going to kind of.
- [33:43]
B
I kind of do want to be.
- [33:44]
A
Kind of safe as human beings. We're going about to go into deep waters. You don't want to be safe. Why play it safe now? You had all that time to play it safe? We could be dead in a week. You know what I'm saying? They could send a missile and it hits the wrong spot. And with our luck, they'll hit Harlem and New Jersey. Marlboro, you know what I'm saying?
- [34:05]
B
That's a very specific missile.
- [34:07]
A
Now is not the time to go on diets. If you ever want to eat that apricot, pour it all over your body, go for it.
- [34:13]
B
Jesus, you're talking like the world's ending.
- [34:16]
A
I didn't say that. Did I say. I'm just saying that right now. This week is the week. If you want to do something, do it. That's all I'm saying.
- [34:31]
B
It's not the week to count your way watcher points.
- [34:33]
A
If you. If you're sober 16 years and you want to do an eight ball, here's your chance. This is the way to do it. You don't know when it's going to get better.
- [34:47]
B
Jesus Christ. It is getting crazy out there.
- [34:50]
A
Getting crazy out there doesn't mean I'm gonna go to Carvel and buy half the store tonight. No, but you know, I'm just saying if you had. It's so weirdly that in two weeks it'll be my mother's 45th anniversary of being dead, and I'll also be off cocaine for 17 years. This all happened in November. And it's just so weird how every time I get close to the coke date today. I was writing journaling this morning, and I was just thinking about November, you know, I mean, fucking Thursdays. Tricky, tricky, you got kids knocking on your door, you know, And I love it. I love all that. I'm just saying that I wrote November and awesome. I go, fuck. First of all, where the did it go? We were just in August. I was just in Delaware two weeks ago, and it's goddamn November, okay? My mother's going to accounted the years. 45 fucking years, and I still haven't found the missing key. And then I go, holy shit, I'm gonna be sober from cocaine for 17 years. Which was what was taking me down completely. And it's. It's just. I want to talk about it. It's unbelievable. This is like something that if 18 years ago you would have told me this, I would have said, bro, he'll never last. I'll be sober for a year and I'll fuck up. Here we are, 17 big ones, mushrooms. But the thing that took me down, the thing that made me kidnap somebody, the stuff that make me used to go crazy and shit. All the crazy stories, people here, that's when cocaine was around, when cocaine disappeared. You gotta. You gotta work real hard to find something stupid, right?
- [36:40]
B
I Didn't know. And I could have if. If you told me this before, I apologize, but I didn't know that your sober day and your mom's like, day she passed away is the same week.
- [36:51]
A
No, no, my mom's like, the 8th, and my sober dates the 15th. Maybe it's probably around the 7th to.
- [36:58]
B
6Th, but that's still close. That's like, did her birthday, like, play a role? And I know it was mainly like, the cat. I know that story. But, like, did her having that anniversary play into it?
- [37:08]
A
No, it was just time.
- [37:10]
B
Okay.
- [37:11]
A
It's also Rick Ramos's birthday and Marilyn Martinez has been dead 17 years. And that's. Wow. Like, that's just, you know, that blows my mind. It's some quick year, man. And I saw. I saw today was something really scary, Lee. I went to a couple places that I usually go, and they were all.
- [37:38]
B
Dead, really, like, stores or I go to.
- [37:43]
A
Which has happened at lunchtime. Happen. I just happen to be coming back and I go, let me pick up an 8 for the podcast. And I. Something different. And I went in there today, there was two people. That's it. And I went somewhere else and I was like, holy shit, where is everybody? It's quiet. People ain't spending a buck. People are thinking real hard. And, yeah, I think it's going to be a quiet week for a lot of things this week. I don't see a lot of people losing their mind. You know, you got the Yankees last night. I don't know how you know, we were taping. They were just coming on. If the Yankees lose, Lee, it's not going to be good.
- [38:28]
B
In what way? For who?
- [38:30]
A
This is a. Listen, I left here in 1983, 85, to be official, and these teams were all rocking and rolling. The Mets won in 86, the World Series, you know, I don't know if the Knicks won it, but the Giants came back in 87 and won it, and that's a long time ago. And maybe they came. They beat New England one year, right? 91 or something like that. I don't know. I don't know. To have two teams that are 2 and 15, and now your baseball team with the best hitter in fucking baseball. Something is not right. You know, they just traded Divincenzo and the other guy. There's some other fucking team. They went all out last year with this team. You know, I just don't understand what's going on in a. In a sports scene that I grew up, that was always up there, or at least Fighting for something every fucking year. You know, it's really weird to see this. I'm sure the Yankees are going to pull it out. I hope they fucking pull it out for this reason. And listen, you're playing. You're playing the Dodgers, who. The payroll is huge. They're the Yankees from 2000.
- [39:43]
B
Well, yeah.
- [39:44]
A
Their star could be hurt and you still gonna be sweating bullets. You don't know what's coming your way. You don't know what's coming your way with those. Mic could be Freddy Free, it could be the Japanese kid. It could be Mookie Betts, it could be Muncie. You know, the little Puerto Rican kid with the glasses. I mean, they just. Amazing to see these two. Listen, I knew it was going to be a good series. I mean, haven't been blowouts, they've been playing, right? But it really makes you think, you know, Listen, I got nothing against Aaron Rod, just sweetheart of a man. But they're 2 and 5 and the Giants ain't no better. I think they played Pittsburgh last night. And I'm not a big sports guy. I'm not talking to you from a like. But I'm just talking to you about a fact here. You know, you go to these stadiums, they want all the dough. I do know that the tickets for the Yankees went down today.
- [40:39]
B
Oh, yeah. They think they're gonna lose.
- [40:41]
A
Yes. So the tickets went way down. Like the girl that I talked all the time, her and her husband paid 1100. And now they could have moved down to a section for that money.
- [40:53]
B
Wow.
- [40:53]
A
The. The standing is still $700. $700 to stand. And you're gonna say to me, well, Joey, it's history. No, history is you getting your balls licked behind the car bell. That's history. And a tongue in the ass when it's cold out and you're eating the chocolate sundae, that's history. That's never gonna happen again. You know what I'm saying? But. But this.
- [41:17]
B
But there's more likelihood of me going to a game and they win the game than me getting my look behind. Like, that's never gonna happen.
- [41:25]
A
Hey, you gotta be like the 69 match. You gotta believe if you leave the house every night, wash your ass and take one of those manscaped white pets and go, tonight's. Tonight. Somebody's gonna take this nutsack around the world. You know what I'm saying? They're doing around the world from the 70s to you, where they lick your muffler, lick your balls, massage it, shave it Play the flute in there. That's an old. You know. And around the world. That was the. When I was growing up that I was ever involved around the world. I was always scared of those hookers in the city. But they would. Around the world. Your dog.
- [41:59]
B
I haven't even seen any of hookers yet. Like, do they. Are they on the street now?
- [42:04]
A
Queens. And you got to go up there. There's an. I just.
- [42:08]
B
I'm not looking.
- [42:08]
A
But there's an area that's just run by hookers in this Queens somewhere. Brooklyn. They just scare the tap. They tell everybody on the block, go yourselves. We're selling here. They're animals.
- [42:20]
B
I haven't seen that. I did go to Queens yesterday, and I did like. I haven't really seen, like, too many homeless people in Manhattan and then in Queens yesterday, you're up upper.
- [42:31]
A
You know, you're not lurking down by Times Square.
- [42:34]
B
Okay. Is that where they hang out?
- [42:35]
A
They were the Rolex watch. Count money on the street because you won't last a minute. Just keep walking. That's where all the action is. And you know how for 20 years, I become saying New York socks. Times Square is Disneyland no more. You wanted it, you got it.
- [42:55]
B
Yeah, Times Square, huh? You don't like Tyler? It's scary to you in Times Square?
- [43:00]
A
No. When we were kids, Times Square was the. You could buy acid, you could buy a bomb. You get your dick suck. You go see a triple X movie. Nobody cared. You could buy an ID. Everybody. For 20 years, everybody kept saying, Four Times Square. It's Disneyland. It's just kids. You better go back down there now. They ain't playing down there.
- [43:22]
B
No, I have no idea. I've only been there like, twice so far. I had an experience. I don't know what's going on. I. I had an. Like, when I was coming home on Sunday, like, I. It still really hasn't hit me that I live in New York. I haven't.
- [43:45]
A
You haven't gotten yet. Wait till you get mugged. It'll hit you.
- [43:48]
B
I don't want to get mugged. Well, keep saying. People come up to me, like, where's your helmet?
- [43:54]
A
When you're walking up the stairs with that knife in your leg, climbing up, yelling, 9, 1, 1.
- [44:00]
B
Why am I gonna walk up the stairs if I've been stabbed?
- [44:03]
A
Because there's four more guys out there waiting for you. So you slide the door and you run up the stairs with your little gimp leg. Now you bleed. You'll know you're in New York when You're in the emergency room and you're 22 in line and it's 8 in the morning.
- [44:22]
B
It sounds terrible. Like, why are you smiling?
- [44:25]
A
Thinking about, hurry up, I'm dying. Yeah, but it's 22 in front of you. They all got stabbed too. Sit in the back there, Stymie. Wait for your number.
- [44:41]
B
I haven't seen anything like that. I did see. I was at CVS yesterday and like, in the city, all the CVS's, like, literally, like, not a joke. Yesterday. The Oreos are locked up. Like, everything's locked up. And as we were. As we were leaving, there was this dude who the. They actually had the cops there this time. And they were like, going through his backpack. He had a whole bunch of it. Like, that is a whole different thing in New York.
- [45:07]
A
You see those Oreos locked up? You're like, that's a good idea.
- [45:09]
B
Oh, I know. I wish I had those to hide them from people.
- [45:12]
A
He has to come up and open it for you in the middle of night, like, when you get home, Stone.
- [45:16]
B
Oh, so I don't eat them.
- [45:17]
A
No. Who's gonna take your car 2:30 in the morning when you're hungry? You have. You have like the lady on the third floor. She weighs like 450. You tell. Listen, when I don't eat, you eat. Guess what? You ain't getting those cookies at 2:30. She's not gonna hear the phone.
- [45:32]
B
No, I should get something like that.
- [45:35]
A
She bang on the door and she comes up with that big size 14 foot with hair on her knuckles and opens up the thing of cookies. You're like, after looking at her foot, I don't want no more cookies.
- [45:47]
B
But then I have to give her the rest of my cookies.
- [45:51]
A
You decide. Okay.
- [45:53]
B
Oh, my God. Disgusting.
- [45:56]
A
How many shows you got this week? What's going on in the real world with you this week?
- [45:59]
B
This week so far, I have two shows. Actually, maybe three. It depends on what my schedule looks like. But either three are in New York this week. I'm in New York this week. And then November 6th, I'm at the Orlando Funny Bone with Steve Simone. I'm very, very excited.
- [46:13]
A
What are you doing the seventh, eighth and ninth?
- [46:15]
B
I'm doing side splitters in Tampa. I'm opening up for Ian Finance. It's gonna be great at side splitters.
- [46:21]
A
Look at you, huh?
- [46:22]
B
Yeah.
- [46:23]
A
Are you doing Disney World?
- [46:25]
B
Yeah, Doing Orlando on the six with Steve. So I'm going.
- [46:32]
A
The ball's on you. Didn't he land?
- [46:35]
B
Who knows? But it's gonna Be great. I'm gonna be it. I'm gonna be with Steve for like a week. Oh, God damn it. Oh.
- [46:49]
A
A far came out of me just now, I'm sure one of those dry mushroom farts. Tremendous.
- [46:56]
B
What? You have farts that smell like mushrooms?
- [46:59]
A
Listen, don't worry about my thoughts. Let me explain something to you. I am really excited about doing a couple shows. Do you know that? And this week, I'm getting out. I got a couple places I'm gonna go to this week. I got a couple places next week. So I'll be ready by the 12th for my first show, and then I got a couple more weeks, and I'll really be ready for November 27th. And then by December 4th in Jersey City, I'll be Tip Top Magoo. And then we. After the 26th, I decide next year what we're going to do. I'm still going to keep Moon Tower, which goes on sale November 11th or some shit like that. And I'm still going to keep the other festival. And I love Philadelphia, so. But everything else is background music. I really want to focus on the podcast. I really. It's a beautiful spot. We got a shower. We got a. When we meet on Wednesday, he asked me if you wanted the electricians there. But I'm gonna bring everything that we have, okay? Whatever we don't like, we can just put it in storage.
- [47:58]
B
Okay? We'll see. Yeah, we'll see what we can use from the last studio, you know?
- [48:02]
A
But we were talking earlier about. Listen, man, I'm a comic, okay? And one thing about me is I want to be able to say whatever the I want to say. You never heard me talk about the amendments or nothing because, you know, everybody talks about the amendments, but you don't even know what the fuck they're talking about. You know, I've always believed since I. When I heard Richard Pryor, I always. I don't know, I just. My world changed, and I didn't say to myself, that's what I want to do, but I always thought it was very cool. I believe in a lot of things. I like when a comic walks a room. I like little things when a comic has no fear. But, you know, I don't know anymore. I don't know what you're able to say and not say anymore. As a professional, I should be able to read the room no matter what it is, whether it's a church or whether it's a fucking comedy club. You know, read the room. You know, I went to visit. I told you I went, took my daughter to the set of Happy Gilmore too, right? And I was like alone for like the first 15 minutes with my daughter. I took, I went there for my. Listen, they were there and I didn't want those guys to think I was up there for a role because that's not what I didn't want to do. I like Adam, right? I like Adam and my daughter likes Adam now. So when they invited me a couple weeks ago, I didn't run up there. I gave it to mayor and I told my daughter I was going to take her. She started watching more movies. She loves him. She loves him. So.
- [49:45]
B
Yeah, that's right around her age is when I found out.
- [49:48]
A
Yeah. And I went up there and it's still weird that kids that age, you found them at that age and now kids, it's just an amazing thing to see. So I finally took her up there and. And it was, it was great. It was her and I in the beginning. And then one of the guys went, Joey. And he flipped his glasses up and it was one of the guys that worked for Adam Gray. We're all gray now. You know, when I met these guys, they were kids, but they're fucking gray now, you know. And we hugged and they're like, go get water and food. And the one guy that called me was Spider Man 2. He was the PA. That's how I met him. And then while we were shooting Spider Man 2, he told me he was going to go along his yard and I told him, I hope to get that movie. And then we worked together on the Longest Yard. He's in charge of Adam's all video stuff now. So everything behind the scenes, Adam shoots. Okay out of that right now. Took him 20 years to kid. You know, it's. I saw so many people and awesome. We started bringing back stories and one of the guys told Dog. I forgot all about this when we had fans on the. When we have fans on the shoot those days where you see all those people screaming, oh, okay.
- [51:12]
B
And the last scene, yeah, it was.
- [51:14]
A
A warm up for those scenes. Nice kid. Dante.
- [51:19]
B
Okay.
- [51:21]
A
You know, I recognize him. He recognized me. We hugged right away and I watched him warm up the scenes. To me it was an education. I had never seen that. But at one point, all the producers were on the other side of the field and he looks at me and he goes, hey, I'm gonna take a bathroom break. Coming up right now is one of the guys in the set. Big Tony, Joey Diaz. Dog. They just looked at me. Okay, let's get this straight. There's 300 people, and they just looked at me, and I just started doing dirty stuff. And I could hear Adam and the producers going, take the mic from him. Oh, no, take them. They weren't angry at all. They were just like, joey, there's kids in that audience. Oh, I didn't give a. I'm up there talking about some crazy stuff. They're laughing. But they kept saying, joey, take the mic from him. Somebody took. I forgot all about that. I would have told you a long time ago.
- [52:24]
B
And he just, like. You were just having. Like, why. Why didn't you care? Like, did you hear them when you were on stage?
- [52:31]
A
When I was on the field cracking jokes, you mean? No, there's no stage on the field. Sorry, Football field. Just going, acapella.
- [52:37]
B
Right, sorry.
- [52:38]
A
And then. And I could hear one of them go, take the mic.
- [52:41]
B
Exactly. No, that's what I meant. I'm just a little stoned.
- [52:44]
A
I take the mic, take the mic. And I'm like. And I gave the mic, and they laughed afterward. There was no really repercussions or anything. I didn't say nothing that bad. I didn't get to it. But it's.
- [52:56]
B
I didn't get to it yet.
- [52:58]
A
I'm sitting there and I'm looking at them shooting, and all of a sudden, I looked down, and from eight feet from me, Adam was standing. I didn't even know it was him, with a baseball hat on and a beard. And I looked at my daughter. I go. And she goes, no, I saw him, dad. And then I didn't say nothing. And I went to the bathroom, and I bumped into one of the producers, and he's like, oh, my God. It's great that I asked him where his son was, because I was tight with his son. Like, we was a kid when we shoot the Longest Yard. He goes, my son is a man. He lives in some temple in India some. And all of a sudden, Adam came out. He goes, my man. And I gave him a big hug, and he goes, I mean, I'm. This is just. I don't. I wouldn't tell you the guys the story, but I just want you to tell you that the man. And this is what a real. You know, he's not Hollywood. He came up to me. He goes, I heard you came with your daughter. And I go, yeah. He goes, you know, I got two daughters. I go, yeah, Sadie, whatever. He goes, what's her name? I go, mercy. How old is she? 11. Dog. He went in the hut, came out and walked Right to her. I didn't go over there. I just watched him walk right to her. And he put his knuckles up, and she put her knuckles up. And they talked for, like, five minutes. He hugged her. I was like, holy. This is why he's Adam Sandler. This is why he's Adam Sandler. And then he was on the set yelling at me like, big Tony. You remember that? You remember him from the Longest Yard. You remember this guy? But they were very nice. The director of Uncut Gems is there.
- [54:41]
B
Oh, cool.
- [54:42]
A
He's cool guy. But the one that blew me away was on the walkout who is getting ready to leave. There's thousands of people there. And I look up, and it's a girl from Sinai Live, the crazy blonde on a chair. I don't know her name. And she goes, joey. And I'm like. And she goes, who's that? I go, my daughter. She's like, oh, my God, you brought her on the set. You played hooky with dad and all this stuff. And my daughter, listen. They made my daughter's dad me. I could care less. I'm an old billy goat. They went out of their way for her, and that's Adam Sandler. That's why I always support that dude. Nobody else, not to that extent.
- [55:25]
B
How am I. How. Like, how did it make you feel? Like it must have been like to see someone make your daughter's day.
- [55:30]
A
It's. First off, my daughter could give a really.
- [55:35]
B
She wasn't.
- [55:37]
A
No, but she cared about that one. That was. And then as I was leaving Adam, I'm gonna leave. Thank you for letting me on the set. I gave him a hug, whispered, thank you for everything you did for me. And I looked over and I go, mercy. Take a picture of Adam. And then I took. She took a picture, and I took another picture of her and him, and we left. That was it. She was happy. You know, it was Friday afternoon. It was beautiful. And all the executive producers. I was leaving, and him and I had her words. We never really discussed. We hugged and we talked. And he wants me to go back and talk to him for a couple hours. So I'm gonna go back up there. Maybe they're there till like the 8th or something tonight.
- [56:22]
B
That's awesome.
- [56:24]
A
So I'm gonna go up there for a morning and eat with him. And, you know, but it was very nice. And like I said, I wasn't looking for anything, you know, I just want to go up there, you know, whatever. That's what you do with your kid, man. I'm so grateful that I had that opportunity with her. Right?
- [56:41]
B
And that's what I was thinking, like, thinking, just, that's the reason you moved back to Jersey. What's. Like to do stuff with her or for her?
- [56:48]
A
What was crazy, because I sent the picture to my cousin, the Cuban one, and she hit me right back. And she's like, oh, my God. And then she wrote me something in Spanish because, you know, it must be really nice that he hired you and he was really nice to you. You know, she wrote something like that. It really. It made me realize, you know, a lot of things that, you know, this is it, man. It's a. Everybody has a different journey. For me, it was Adam Sandler. You know, he was really good to me. He put me in, like, three movies, and I loved that. I hit the jackpot. I was listening. I didn't get that movie. I didn't hang out with nobody special from that movie. They told me they didn't want me. And I thought about it when I was coked up one night, and next morning I woke up and I went and got a football shirt and a helmet, and I had my buddy Chuck Savage tape me, and the rest was history. Nobody gave me nothing because I was friends with nobody. They were going to hire big pussy in Saragusa. So I'm very proud of that. You know what I'm saying? Like, that's something that I did. A to Z from the jump. I want it. You know, that's for people who to know that when you want something, you just don't. Well, I really want to be in that mood. No, I didn't stop. I didn't stop.
- [58:08]
B
And it shows, dude. Like that. Like, that's. Would you say that's like, the biggest movie you did?
- [58:13]
A
Yeah, I didn't stop when I knew that movie was getting shot. I didn't care how big or small my row was. I knew I was in that movie because as a kid, that movie hit me so hard in the movie theater. And I love Burt Reynolds so much. That was one of those movies in the movie theater I'll never forget. We were all on our feet as kids, yelling, Mean Machine. So I knew I wanted that movie. And this is why I get mad at people. Because if you want something, you're not gonna wish it into your life. Never, you know. You know, when you get drunk with your friends, I'm telling you, I'm just not coke. I'm telling you, tonight's it. After this package, is it. I'm gonna be in an Adam, trust me, when you do coke, people act that way. Tonight's the last night, of course. What? They love their kids, they love their wife. They don't even know why they're out tonight. Meanwhile, they've been out every night since they've been married. You know, you gotta listen for that. But it was one of those things that I nailed. It was beautiful from A to Z. It taught me a lesson and it taught me a lot about myself. And that's why I get mad at comics and actors and just people in general because they want to fight for something, but they're not willing to go to war for what you believe in or what you want. I'm no special. I never went to Russia to learn to act. But I knew that going in. I knew. I also knew the situation. This guy's an all to the bone comic and he wants his projects to be the funniest they could be. I looked at it by that Sarah Goose is a great football player, God rest his soul, and Vincent is a funny guy, but he ain't got the deep comic Lee like I did. And it paid off. And this is what every comic should do or every actor. When you want something, you know, knock it off with your stupidity and your run. Two minutes. Let me take a. Let me take two minutes and talk to you about DraftKings this week. Where is Crack A lacking? We'll be back. Greetings. Listen, guys, the NBA is finally back. A new season means new ways to get you in on the action at DraftKings Sportsbook, an official sports betting partner of the NBA. Place your bet on who's draining trees from beyond the arch or crashing the boards and grabbing rebounds. Put your money where your mouth is and show support for your favorite players. Listen, NBA is here and guess what? The teams are still. The lines are soft. So if you're going to play NBA, it's for the next three weeks where you can obviously see a ton of baccalaureate new customers. Do me a Favor. You bet $5 to get 200 in bonus bets instantly. That's what my first time is. Don't get cute. Every point counts with DraftKings Sportsbook. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app pressing code Joey. That's called Joey. Joey for new customers. Get out. Listen, it's a whole new season. You want to be with the kings? That's DraftKings. You understand me? So that's called Joey for new customers. I'll get you 200 bonus bets quickly when you bet just $5 only on DraftKings. Where you're the fucking king of swing. Don't forget, gamble responsibly. We love you. Gambling problem. Call 1-800- gambler in New York. Call 877-8-Open Y or text hopeny 467-369 In Connecticut, help is available for problem gambling. Call 888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org Please play responsibly on behalf of Boothill Casino and resort in Kansas, 21 and over. Age and eligibility varies by jurisdiction. Boyden, Ontario. Bonus bets expire 168 hours after issuance. For additional terms and responsible gaming resources, see dkng CO B Ball. What's happening, guys? We're back. I don't need to be toughened up. That was Lee during the intermission. He doesn't know when he moved here that we're going deep. Deep?
- [62:24]
B
What do you mean, deep? Means I got to do. What are you talking about?
- [62:31]
A
Everybody told you last night to call your boss today and tell him, listen, there's some days I'm gonna be here at 8. I don't know what to tell you. You can just. I'm just gonna be missing a zoom or two. I'll be here to consult. Don't worry about nothing. And before he can even say that, just hang up on it.
- [62:48]
B
That'll go well.
- [62:52]
A
Wait, who they're gonna hire? They got a drug test, them, you know. What are they gonna hire? Vicente?
- [62:57]
B
I'm not even worried about that.
- [62:59]
A
But I don't even worry about that. What are you worried about?
- [63:02]
B
My mental. Oh, like hell.
- [63:04]
A
Like you want men. Look at. You're out there. It don't matter.
- [63:08]
B
What do you mean I'm out there?
- [63:09]
A
You became a comedian not because you're normal, because you're up as it is. Nobody wants to go on stage in front of 300 people unless, you know, you're a moron. Of course, that includes me. So that means you live on the edge. That means you have the balls to do what a lot of people would like to do and wouldn't do. You know, I mean, listen, you wouldn't jump off a fucking Hell. You wouldn't join the army and join. Okay. They're probably looking at you going, boy, he's fucking crazy. I wouldn't get on stage. The same fucking paratroopers will look at you and go, I don't know how you do it. And you're like. You jump out of a plane and the enemy there. Oh, we could do that in my sleep.
- [63:48]
B
Yeah, right. Oh, yeah. But I. And. And it's not that, like, people go, you're such a. I don't mind doing mushrooms, doing edibles. A hundred to eight thousand with a. With a. A half a handful get captured.
- [64:04]
A
Are they gonna wait, I'm gonna stay captured.
- [64:07]
B
No one's gonna capture me. I'm glad it's on tape now, because.
- [64:12]
A
He finally, like, you're not gonna get captured. No.
- [64:17]
B
Who's getting captured?
- [64:18]
A
Mushroom dust on my tongue. That one. I've been into it. Dust came out of it. I got another one twice as big with your name on it, with the dust just hit you in the eye. The next day, you wake up, a pink eye. You rub your all night and scratch your eyeball, which you've done a couple times yourself.
- [64:34]
B
And everyone listening is like, yeah, that sounds awesome. Do that, Lee. And then if you went to them, they would pee their pants. And they're like, no, I wouldn't.
- [64:41]
A
Yeah, we're not doing it for them. That ship sail. We're doing it for us. I do 1200 milligrams and burp all night for them. They don't even know I do it for me, Jack. Because we're in training time.
- [65:03]
B
Well, in what world would taking edibles help me with when I'm captured? Because I'm still gonna be me. It's not like if I take edibles, I'm gonna, like, be, like, 6ft tall and can run them, like, super fast.
- [65:15]
A
No, I don't want you to run fast.
- [65:17]
B
So what are they gonna do to me?
- [65:21]
A
I want your mind to be ready for everything. Adversity, torture. Because no matter what happens, you still got to give them 30, 40 minutes of heat. Even if the whole time I'm stabbing you in the back with a pencil like John Wick. You gotta stop and take like a savage that you are.
- [65:39]
B
I feel like. Did you ever see Beaver Vendetta?
- [65:42]
A
Who?
- [65:43]
B
The movie Viva Vendetta.
- [65:44]
A
Oh, I see it all the time. No, I never saw that movie.
- [65:47]
B
It was a good movie. I just feel like her. Like, the guy got her, like, kidnapped. It was like putting. I don't. I don't remember, like, but just putting him through, like, a trailer, like, I just want to know what's gonna happen when I'm kidnapped.
- [66:03]
A
Who's gonna kidnap you? Nobody said.
- [66:05]
B
You always say you always gotta be ready.
- [66:07]
A
In case you get kidding, what I'm saying to you is what happens in the world today, right? Somebody sees you walking around New York, they paint the Yamakan. They put it on you. They go, that fits. Go get Them, right? All right? Because that's what you do. You look at somebody and go, could he be or could he not? Like, when I see a copy, when I sell drugs, I'll put a police uniform on. If it fits, I go the other way. You know what I'm saying? I want to talk to nobody. So all these little people gotta look at you and go, does he. Should he have a yamaka? And they'll go, yeah, look at the ball spot. And they'll take you. They'll take you to a dungeon in Queens and they'll milk you for information. Where's the missiles?
- [66:49]
B
You know I never give it up.
- [66:51]
A
Now, you're tougher than nails. But they're gonna do different things to you. They're gonna put nails in your nutsack, in your eyeball. And then they're gonna try to trick you first with mind game. But you're prepared because you already been tortured by Uncle Joey.
- [67:08]
B
But as someone's ready for more torture.
- [67:15]
A
No, no, you've already been torture. You've already done. It's like when I walk out of jiu jitsu at 12. At 11, that's the toughest thing I'm gonna do all day, right? I know this. Like, after that, I'm safe. I don't gotta dig no torches. I don't have to be. You know, that's what I'm trying to say to you. You're mentally prepared. You follow me? What's the matter with you?
- [67:40]
B
I can't believe you did that. Just been through one of those intimate conversation. You should not do it that more.
- [67:47]
A
Yeah, it's great. Can you do that? Another one?
- [67:52]
B
I would love to see you do that at, like, Carl or just see.
- [67:55]
A
Me make you eat this 3 grams of African mushrooms I'm gonna give you. I'm gonna do that all night while you're sitting there looking at the sky, going, where'd my life go wrong? I should have stayed at your mitzka school, Whatever the they send you.
- [68:08]
B
Mitzka school?
- [68:09]
A
Yeah. Ari got thrown out of. What? When he got thrown out of.
- [68:12]
B
Oh, he got thrown out of. I. I know, I know, but I'm just. I can't think of it right now.
- [68:20]
A
I'm sure you can't. Think about it.
- [68:21]
B
Yeshiva.
- [68:22]
A
Yeshiva. You ate 50 milligrams.
- [68:24]
B
No, I did not eat 50 milligrams.
- [68:26]
A
You would have been tip top.
- [68:29]
B
That's the only benefit of this, of taking as many of whatever we're going to take, is that at least now he'll. He won't say I'm not taking what I'm taking. That's the only I see you is.
- [68:41]
A
The only time I trust you. And even then, you're making noises. You sweat your palms. Your face is red. It's like, guys, you have no idea. Because I start calling the night before, talking about before.
- [68:57]
B
It's months out.
- [68:59]
A
Every time we talk, like, are you gonna be here on the 12th for the show?
- [69:04]
B
No, I think. I think so.
- [69:07]
A
Yeah. We're dying that night. New York. We're not even coming back.
- [69:11]
B
What are you talking. Oh, my God. Yes. The City Winery one. Yeah, I'll be there.
- [69:15]
A
And you'll be a Philly with me.
- [69:17]
B
Yes. I'm so excited.
- [69:18]
A
By Jersey City. That's Chango's birthday. By that time, that's too deep. But I can capture you.
- [69:26]
B
Who's them?
- [69:27]
A
You know who. You know who. Sucker.
- [69:32]
B
You really have to do that in all global conversations?
- [69:36]
A
What's that? Yeah, I'm all jazzed up. I don't give a. And I'm excited. I'm excited that. Listen, I'm gonna punch Mr. Zoom in the head. I don't want to see a zoom again. Zoom reminds me of a lot of bad things. You know what I'm saying?
- [69:52]
B
We should do that. The last zoom.
- [69:54]
A
The last zoom is going to be great. We're going to light some on fire. Hopefully we'll hook up this Wednesday. I talked to my man already. He's going to meet us there. He wanted to know if the electrician boom bop beat. We'll be ready to rock.
- [70:08]
B
I can't wait.
- [70:08]
A
By that time, I the other box edibles for the first episode, we're going all out. We're gonna have a nurse there. We're gonna have intravenous. We're gonna have pizzas. My chick will be there.
- [70:22]
B
Pizzas. Yeah. If we're going hundreds of milligrams, let's go a little bit deeper than pizza.
- [70:29]
A
What are you.
- [70:30]
B
Just pizza.
- [70:31]
A
I'm gonna turn you on to the best pizza you've ever eaten in your life. Each Monday. It's gonna just be there. I mean, we're gonna have a lot of.
- [70:39]
B
Oh, it's good pizza.
- [70:40]
A
Be there. We're bringing in food from restaurants.
- [70:42]
B
I thought you were gonna with me with Lake Domino's.
- [70:44]
A
There's a place your boy told me about, Danny Braff, called San Huichitos down in Edgewater. I looked at the menu. I don't even want to show it to you, Lee. Oh, man, that's pretty good Sanwichitos. Good sandwich. But instead of sandwich, Cheetos. Go ahead, type it up. See what you get. You might. You might go over there tonight on your own.
- [71:11]
B
And is it a North Bergen?
- [71:13]
A
Yeah, just type North Bergen or Edgewater San Wichitos. See what you get.
- [71:19]
B
Let's look at this menu. Andy, if you can pull it up, that'd be great. But I'm looking at it right now. So they have a jujitsu steak. Oh, that's a steak with chimichurri, caramelized onions. Oh, yeah, this. Look. This place looks crazy. And this is. This is close by, around the corner.
- [71:35]
A
Fudge is made.
- [71:37]
B
Oh, my God. Yeah, we're gonna have to get, like, a tab there or something.
- [71:40]
A
It's my set, Doug. I'm always thinking of you, and all you're doing is, I don't know, mushrooms. Who's gonna kidnap me? Nobody. We gotta be ready. Gotta keep an open heart with Uncle Joey. So what you're gonna eat?
- [71:51]
B
I always have an open heart farm.
- [71:54]
A
There'll be a steak and chimichurri waiting for you. And a nice glass or whatever you want to drink.
- [72:01]
B
I can't wait.
- [72:02]
A
Relax. Take the plug out of your ass. It's over. It's over. This is lightweight. Now we don't have to go all out. They know who you are. They know who I am. This is not going to be like before. We're just going to focus on getting high.
- [72:17]
B
I'm excited.
- [72:18]
A
No, no, no. I want to do different things, but that'll be part of the training. Because you've been slipping for four years.
- [72:25]
B
It's kind of hard to maintain that level of training for four years.
- [72:31]
A
Well, that's why. Because. But I never stopped. I took a little breather. I had some problems. I want to smoke no more. But I try to live my day like a normal American. I was like this. I'm going back to the street, Jack. I started eating edibles and everything else I could. But now it's a different world. Now I don't eat edibles in the daytime at all. Listen, these ABX's don't even do anything to me no more because they're hundreds. Or at the end of the night, I'll burp in my mask. I gotta get up in the middle of the night and wipe it down. So I can't. I can't. You can only go out once a week. And now since I only do once a week, my tolerance is lower, so. It's a beautiful thing.
- [73:18]
B
It doesn't sound like it's Low. I don't think your tolerance is low.
- [73:23]
A
Well, it's a lot lower than 20. You give me 2200 milligrams of jello now. I'll die if I eat that now. But before I was solid. Like the rocket Gibraltar. Jack. Yeah.
- [73:35]
B
Jesus Christ.
- [73:36]
A
So that's it, Lee. It's just. Love it Tuesday. Next time we come on here, it'll be. Yeah, next Tuesday, which will be November 5th. Right. What is election 5th. The 5th. So wait a second. Come on. Yeah, we'll be coming to you on the fifth, hopefully from a different location, but if not, zoom for sure.
- [74:03]
B
Oh, yeah, absolutely.
- [74:05]
A
Yeah. Because we were talking about doing at a restaurant one Monday just to try it out to see if it worked. But it. Let's just wait to get to the office and then we'll branch out once we got that. It makes a lot of sensel. But I'm really excited. You're right. I'm not getting no brick in the back that. That brings back old memories. We're starting up anew. This is the church, New York City. Stop.
- [74:28]
B
Right? I love it. I'm so excited to see. Because there's so many more people and we have so much just gonna be good to like be in the same.
- [74:35]
A
Place and when you see where we're at and everything, you're gonna go, what the was this? Like, that's what I like about it. Like. No, it's a bat cave. You gotta go through bushes and weeds and there's like a thing that'll give you a flat tie. If you go back there, it's over. The guy set it up that way for himself.
- [74:56]
B
Holy. That's crazy. That's how great. Because you. It's hard to find places like that. I'm really. I would like. Thank you. Because I. With my schedule, I haven't been around and you've looked at a few places.
- [75:08]
A
You have no idea. Because I. I reached out to a bunch of people and it got to. At first it was slow. People like, let me ask around. And then all of a sudden I was getting places to look at in Jersey City, Rutherford, Union City. I talked to the guy Edgewater, and then somebody turned me on to the galaxy. But the both days, the day I went to look at the galaxy, I had this too.
- [75:37]
B
That's crazy.
- [75:39]
A
The lady talked to me for too long over there. So I told him forget about it. And then this week when she said that the Chinese people wouldn't hire it. They only give it. They only sell it to their own. I called the guy, and he goes, I still got it if you want it. Some guys coming in Saturday to look at it again. No, that's not gonna happen. Save him the trip. I'll be down there at eight minutes. And that's what happened. So. And on that same day, right there, Mikey Chick called me and said he had an office for me up the block from my mother's bar.
- [76:14]
B
Oh, cool.
- [76:15]
A
I sent you the pictures. Right on 20th, 9th, and it was on 29th and Summit. There used to be a bar on that corner when I was a kid. And down middle of that block, that's where I live. When my dad died, we were just maybe a quarter of a mile from the bar, our bar. There was a bar on 29th and Burgeon Line, which is ours. 29th and Summit. They must have tore that down. And that's where the office is.
- [76:43]
B
Oh, that would have been crazy.
- [76:44]
A
That would have been insane. But when I looked at this spot, it was really big. And the shower, brand new. They're gonna put the glass in this week. That's when I was like, it. It's worth it. So I'm just. Listen, I got these dates. I'm not really leaving town. This gives me a little time to focus. I haven't been up there in a long time. So this is my chance to reunite with Mr. Barone, a bunch of those guys. I'm gonna start calling them and letting them know. I'm gonna pick them up on Mondays to do a podcast. Chickarelli will be the door guy. You know, the whole thing, so. But that's it. So that's all you're promoting right now? Is the fifth in.
- [77:27]
B
Yeah, the sixth in Orlando.
- [77:29]
A
The sixth in Orlando and the rest of the week.
- [77:32]
B
And it's Tampa at side splitters.
- [77:33]
A
Okay, good. Well, I'll see you this week. For all you. I love you. Thank you for the support over the years. You guys thought we were lazy with this zoom, you know? Guys, you know what's better than this? We ran into a string of bad luck, and now we're making it right, and we're ready to go. I'm sorry about the Patreon, okay? I can't. I've reached out to three people already. Nobody knows nothing. So I'm sorry about the patronage. Kaput. We're gonna make it up to you with the fucking YouTube. I haven't been doing YouTube videos because you only get, like, 3,000 people. I don't want to waste nobody's time. They all come up with a different name. They're not money. I don't know what's going on with YouTube, so I just said, fuck it. I'll wait till Lee gets here and we'll set it up right and we'll put a morning joint to it, whatever the fuck you guys want. So we didn't forget about you. We love you, thank you for the support and the loyalty and we'll see you next week. Cocksucker. Stay black. Greetings from podcastville. It's Tuesday 29th October. The check in is brought to you by. You ready? Blue Chew will get you ready for Halloween. Listen up, cocksuckers. First impressions are important, but a lasting impression gets your places. Let Blue Chew help you leave a lasting and impression. Blue Chew helps give men longer lasting, stronger erections. Is that what you're looking for? Blue Chews got it. They're on an online service that sends ED meds right to your door. They got that? Same active ingredients as Viagra, Cialis and Levitra. Only at a fraction of the cost does it work. Listen, I'm 61. I still got going on. But when I want to put bullets in those guns, I pop a little Blue Chew and you're ready to rock. You understand me? Tip top, Magoo. Like the name says, Blue Chew. It's chewable. You can easily take it anytime, anywhere. And within minutes, you'll have a glow on your face like, you know, like you showed up with a magic trick. Bluetooth wants you to have confidence to perform at your best. So discover all your options@bluetooth.com Listen to me. Checking listeners can try Bluetooth for free when you press in. Promo code Diaz at checkout D, I A Z. That's it. And pay 5 hours for shipping the small fin to live like a doctor for a weekend. You know I'm saying that's bluetooth.com promo code Diaz. To receive your first month free. Visit bluetooth.com for more details and safety information. And we thank Bluetooth for sponsoring the podcast.