We're off and running with Joey Merlino and Lil Snuff

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament Episode: We're Off and Running with Joey Merlino and Lil Snuff
Release Date: December 24, 2024
Hosts: Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

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Introduction and Weekend Highlights

The episode kicks off on Christmas Eve with Joey Diaz greeting his audience with his signature flair. He and Lee Syatt discuss their recent weekend activities, including Joey attending Uncle Vinny's phenomenal show and Lee's trip to Mohegan.

Notable Quote:

Joey Diaz [00:00]: "What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? Uncle Joey here with my main man Lee Syat."

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Mushroom Conversations and Personal Insights

Joey dives into a candid discussion about his use of mushrooms, emphasizing their role in treating psychological disorders. He contrasts his skepticism toward traditional therapy with his openness to alternative treatments.

Notable Quotes:

Joey Diaz [01:02]: "No therapy, just mushrooms. Start with a gram a day, and once you don't see something, it's like smoking a cigarette."

Lee Syatt [00:20]: "I had a great weekend in Mohegan, buddy. Good to see you."

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Houston, Texas: Food and Culture

The conversation shifts to Houston, where Lee plans to visit family. Joey shares his love for the city's diverse culinary scene, recommending specific eateries and highlighting the affordability and variety of restaurants.

Notable Quotes:

Joey Diaz [01:50]: "Houston is the number one place in the country where people go out to dinner every night. Restaurants are packed because the average price is like $48 for a family to eat."

Lee Syatt [02:34]: "What do you recommend for Texas that I get? Because I've been. I've never been queso."

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Humorous Anecdotes: Farts and Family Behavior

Joey and Lee engage in light-hearted banter about farting incidents, showcasing Joey's comedic storytelling and Lee's reactions. These segments provide humor and showcase the hosts' camaraderie.

Notable Quotes:

Joey Diaz [11:21]: "It was like a six-parter, ba ba ba ba. That tastes like that little breather... the whole room was like a fog."

Lee Syatt [12:32]: "But no, she love. It's so cool that she's coming to these now. I love it. And so it's so happy."

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Guest Segment: Joey Merlino and Snuff Join the Conversation

Midway through the episode, Joey Merlino and Snuff from the Skinny Podcast join as guests. The discussion intensifies, focusing on their criminal backgrounds, experiences with the legal system, and the challenges within it.

Notable Quotes:

Snuff [15:44]: "What's up, my brother? Thank you for having us."

Joey Diaz [16:47]: "I always wanted to be an attorney, I ended up becoming a criminal... but in the process, becoming a great attorney because you meet other criminals and they fill you in on things."

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Inside the Legal System: Jail Stories and Corruption

The guests recount their time in jail, highlighting systemic issues such as corruption, inadequate rehabilitation programs, and the complexities of probation and parole. They share personal stories that reflect broader societal problems.

Notable Quotes:

Snuff [17:35]: "He said, take him out of my courtroom now."

Joey Diaz [28:40]: "The lawyer tells me, you got a felony... I got four years. It was a four to six year plea bargain."

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Witness Relocation and Its Pitfalls

The conversation delves into the Witness Relocation Program, where the guests discuss the challenges and shortcomings of the system, including inadequate support and the risks involved.

Notable Quotes:

Joey Diaz [61:35]: "Witness relocation plan... They don't tell the people. They give them aliases like Vinny Vito."

Snuff [62:30]: "They give you a million dollars in cash... It’d take him 530 years to pay it back."

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Cultural Observations: Changes in Society and Sports

Joey and his guests comment on the evolving cultural landscape, particularly in sports and entertainment. They express nostalgia for past decades and critique modern trends, such as the decline of traditional attire and the rise of gambling through platforms like DraftKings.

Notable Quotes:

Joey Diaz [22:44]: "Nobody dresses like they used to. Steve McQueen smacking his wife on the getaway... Nobody said a thing."

Joey Merlino [58:12]: "Christmas Day, we're going to go with a parlay. Steelers over Kansas City... Timely bets for Christmas."

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Closing Remarks and Future Plans

As the episode winds down, Joey Diaz thanks his guests and listeners, shares final anecdotes, and teases future episodes. The hosts express enthusiasm for continuing their discussions and engaging with their audience.

Notable Quotes:

Joey Diaz [81:41]: "From Church New Testament to you, to Mr. Merlino to my man Snuff Lee Syat the whole crew here. Merry Christmas to you and your families."

Snuff [80:16]: "Feel at home. Stop thanking me. Yeah, I love you."

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Summary

In this lively and engaging episode of "The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament," Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt, joined by guests Joey Merlino and Snuff from the Skinny Podcast, navigate a wide array of topics ranging from personal anecdotes about drug use and humorous family interactions to deep dives into the flaws within the legal system and societal changes. The hosts blend humor with candid discussions, providing listeners with both entertainment and insightful commentary on contemporary issues. Notable segments include their experiences with mushrooms as psychological treatments, jail stories that highlight systemic corruption, and cultural observations on the evolution of societal norms and sports. The episode concludes with heartfelt thanks and a look forward to future discussions, ensuring listeners remain engaged and eager for more.

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Disclaimer: This summary is based on the provided transcript and aims to capture the essence of the podcast episode. For the full experience, listeners are encouraged to tune into "The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament."

Transcript

[Joey Diaz]

What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? Uncle Joey here with my main man lee Syat. It's December 24th, Christmas Eve. We want to chit chat with you guys for a second before we start the podcast. It was a great weekend. If you came out to Uncle Vinny's last Tuesday, fucking phenomenal show. Thank you for supporting. What's up with you, Katlyka?

[Lee Syatt]

I had a great weekend in Mohegan, buddy. Good to see you.

[Joey Diaz]

Nice.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, yeah, I love. I love Mohegan.

[Joey Diaz]

Did you eat the mushrooms?

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, did I eat the mushrooms?

[Joey Merlino]

It's.

[Lee Syatt]

Dude, you walk around with mushrooms like they're Tic tacs. I don't really.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm 61. I got nothing to lose. The psychological is done, right? People using mushrooms to treat disorders. So I'm up.

[Snuff]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

So when you're up, you got to go to the source. I'm going to sit with some chick. So tell me about your childhood. That's not going to do nothing for me. No, no. That therapy never helped me. Therapy is nonsense for Uncle Joey. It's too deep. The. The pain and the fucking trauma is too deep.

[Lee Syatt]

It's just mushrooms now.

[Joey Diaz]

Just mushrooms. You start with a gram a day, and once you don't see something, it's like smoking a cigarette. It's like smoking pot with no thc. How long can you do it? Until you go, why am I eating this? And then one day I came home. Let's really test the psychological effects of these mushrooms. And I started weighing them and I kept going up and up and up, and here we are today.

[Lee Syatt]

I love it.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, that's it. And what do you got planned for Christmas?

[Lee Syatt]

Christmas? I'm gonna go to Texas. I'm gonna see my mom, and my brother has two kids, which is fucking crazy. And then I'm gonna be in Houston with Josh this weekend.

[Joey Diaz]

All right, I just got advice for you.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

When you go to Houston, Texas.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Go there knowing that you're going on a diet on the first.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, I'm so. Dude, you've been talking about Houston.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, for years. Number one place in the country where people go out to dinner every night. Number one place. Hands fucking down. Restaurants are packed because the average price is like $48 for a family to eat. They got all the Mexican restaurants, you got the Greek restaurants, you got Auntie Chang's Dumpling Palace. You got a. What's the place we used to go to Austin with the fucking crab seafood salad.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, papacitos. Papados, Papados.

[Joey Diaz]

You got papados. Which I heard went down. No pandemic. That's what I heard.

[Snuff]

Motherfucker.

[Joey Diaz]

Papa Doe's has a fucking gumbo. And you could see people's fingernails from Katrina, like they were holding on to the wall. That's when you know you're getting strong. Those little whatever type of fingernails. I don't want to.

[Lee Syatt]

What do you recommend for Texas that I get? Because I've been. I've never been queso. Okay.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, you'll ask at the club, Chewy's and the other places. They're very popularized. So you don't want to hang out there. I mean, Chewy is fucking great. But they'll have a new one. Okay, you want to have a cocktail. You go to the taco places after two and they serve you and they just give you a coffee cup. So you're there till five, eating burritos, getting up.

[Lee Syatt]

Holy shit. I've been excited to try kolaches that I've never tried one. I've been saving a kolache.

[Joey Diaz]

A kolache is a redneck calzone. All right? That's how you have to look at it. A kolache is a redneck calzone. And it's basically a hot dog. And it's wrapped in something.

[Lee Syatt]

I don't know, I thought it was like a donut. Kind of like a donut with a.

[Joey Diaz]

Not a donut. It's a stick. Like, it looks like a little dick. Like a little Filipino dick. So you wrap it up and they have them in jalapeno flavors. When you go, they have a place called Kolache Factory.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay?

[Joey Diaz]

Just go in there and get a dozen and get a 16 ounce coke and let the diabetes kill you. Who gives a fuck at this point?

[Lee Syatt]

Isn't that the home of like. Like doctor now? Like my 600 pound life. Isn't that where they do it?

[Joey Diaz]

And that's an ironic thing. Remember in the fucking 80s, if you got in trouble for cocaine in the NFL, where'd they send you? The Dolphins. Why would you send the coke fiend? Hollywood Henderson, the number one coke fiend of all fucking time, got fired from Dallas. He ended up in fucking Dallas, in Miami. His career ended. Career ended. Somebody else from the Broncos ended up down there. Another guy from the Broncos, and they shot him and his brother. You know, why would you send people. So now you got these fat poor people that can't control themselves in fucking Iowa with mozzarella sticks, dipping them in ranch. You know what happens to your feet when you dip mozzarella and Ranch. Do you have any fucking idea? They get yellow and shit. So you get those people and now you take them to the circus of Food, Houston, Texas, and you put them in a little apartment with that Armenian guy, you know. Oh, how are you today? Listen, I'm breaking out of this bitch. It's the best food in the country.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, why not?

[Joey Diaz]

You know, why would you put a 600 pound dude down there? And they always lose 50 pounds? Yeah, because they walk to the taco place, they burn a couple calories, that's why. But after that they go fucking kaputz. You just can't live down there if you're a fat fuck. Put them like in, I don't know, put them like in Africa where the fucking. Wherever they see Those people send $5. See those poor people? Because they ripped me off years ago. I sent that when I was growing up. There was a picture of a black kid. You could adopt them. And if you send $2.99 a month, you could adopt this black kid and they'll send you letters and pictures. They never sent me dick. I don't know. That kid's in college. He's never said thank you, nothing. I sent them like $8 when I was like 8. $8 when you're like 8 years old. That's a big.

[Lee Syatt]

That's all your money.

[Joey Diaz]

I sent like 10 bucks because, you know, I like, you know, maybe I'll adopt a kid. I didn't know where I was going in my life. I was 10. Maybe I'll adopt a little black kid, bring them over, we'll join a band, whatever the. I don't know. I don't know.

[Lee Syatt]

Could you imagine if one of those kids from Africa saw like one of those 600 pound people? I don't think they know as a human because they're like £8.

[Joey Diaz]

Like, if they saw like the motherfuckers that took over Captain Phillips boat. Oh, yeah, those skinny dudes with the bad teeth. Fluoride. They got no toothpaste.

[Lee Syatt]

That's the least of their problems, being a fucking pirate.

[Joey Diaz]

My friend's mom just went to Africa. An Italian woman, 70 years old, just one morning woke up and said, I want to go to Africa. Complain about it. Ten days she's been in Africa. I think she came back last night. 10 days.

[Lee Syatt]

What would you do if I said I wanted to go to Africa anyway?

[Joey Diaz]

I won't even listen to you. I'll make the call, I'll listen. I'll send you to Nigeria where scams were invented.

[Lee Syatt]

Right?

[Joey Diaz]

Okay. And you come back with nothing. They'll take your teeth, your shoes. If you think those Arabs could sell, go to Nigeria. That's the. That's the birthplace of corruption. So.

[Lee Syatt]

Jesus, you're right.

[Joey Diaz]

Why do you think all those people call you from Nigeria? And they say that you. Your uncle, left your $40 million. Where do you think they're calling you from? They call you from those stations over there, scamming pickpockets. They do it all in Nigeria. What are you doing for New Year's?

[Lee Syatt]

New Year's? I'm hoping to get a show. If I don't get a show, I have a dinner reservation. And we'll. We'll take Edibles.

[Joey Diaz]

Korean Steakhouse.

[Lee Syatt]

No.

[Joey Diaz]

What? What?

[Lee Syatt]

Just a regular place. I don't. I don't remember the name, to be. To be honest with you. The Korean Steakhouse is good, by the way.

[Joey Diaz]

I believe it. I'm just te.

[Lee Syatt]

Also, my eye looks better.

[Joey Diaz]

No, it doesn't.

[Lee Syatt]

Yes, it does.

[Joey Diaz]

You know why? Why? Eat more mushrooms. You gotta. When. When you touch your dick or you wipe your ass, you gotta wash your hands. Of course, when you touch. Listen, I don't touch dick. I don't touch dick. The jacket touches everything, okay? I just went to get cigarettes, you know? And you could tell it's a narco hangout where they make the money orders to send to Colombia. I had to wait 22 minutes. That's why I was late. There was a little Mexican guy, looked like he had three dollars in his pocket. He had six inches of loot. Making fucking money orders. Eight, nine thousand a piece. That's why it took me so long. I stopped at one of those fucking.

[Lee Syatt]

Bodegas and so you don't. When you're going pee, you don't touch your dick.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't even put my dick in the. When I shit, I shit with my balls in my hand. Since I'm a kid, because I think about the women in my life. I'm going to stick my dick in some toilet. And then you got to give it to your wife to put it in her mouth. Who does that? Who does that? You go to a gym. I go to a gym, right? I wash my fucking hands. You know, you get on that fat bike and everything else right thing, and then you go home and you finger your wife. Purple shit coming out of a pussy for two weeks. And you got to tell us some story. So wash your fucking hands. Cut your toenail. Not your toenails, fingernails. Your fingernails. Got a. Women look at your fucking fingernails. Why they want to get finger banged if they see dirt or hangnail. You're not fucking slicing my pussy. You know what I'm saying? You let somebody touch your pussy if you had a hangnail, you nasty motherfucker. So your hands are the number one things that always got to be clean, right? So you don't touch your dick with a dirty hand.

[Lee Syatt]

I'm touching my dick with a dirt, but I don't hold my balls either.

[Joey Diaz]

On the bathroom, they pee, they wash their hands, but then they touch the doorknob. You got to assume that motherfucker didn't wash his hands before you.

[Lee Syatt]

So how you supposed to get out, huh? How are you supposed to get out?

[Joey Diaz]

You get a piece of toilet paper and you touch it, all right? My wife gets pissed off. Oh, you don't pick up the toilet seat. Fuck you. Touching that toilet seat. That's disgusting. How do I know? Because I pee on it. Touch it. If I fucking pee on it, I know. And then you go to a restaurant. When I go to a. Let's say first of all, I don't shit in a restaurant.

[Lee Syatt]

No.

[Joey Diaz]

That's rule number one. Never. That's disgusting. I don't want my asshole in a toilet that don't belong to me. And that's pretty simple. If I got a shit like an animal. Yes, maybe. Like when I eat. Why you beef that fucking Japanese shit, right? It goes right through me at a restaurant. That's why I don't eat it. White Castle goes right through. You're bleeding 20 minutes later from your ass. You know? So what was the question?

[Lee Syatt]

You're telling me why you don't. You don't shit at all. You only shit at home. But when you go to a restaurant.

[Joey Diaz]

Here's a good one. You ever go on the fucking road?

[Lee Syatt]

Right.

[Joey Diaz]

You shit moderately all weekend. Like when you're away for like four or five days, you shit. But it's not the usual, you know, it's not that shit.

[Lee Syatt]

Are you making that noise when you.

[Joey Diaz]

No. As soon. As soon as you walk in your house and you lay your suitcase down.

[Lee Syatt]

That's fair.

[Joey Diaz]

Also, you get that little urge and it's a 22 inch. Why? Because even your asshole knows the asshole has a compass. You know that, right?

[Lee Syatt]

I didn't know that.

[Joey Diaz]

You ever get caught on a light when you got to take a shit?

[Lee Syatt]

I shit my pants a couple months ago.

[Joey Diaz]

Right or wrong? Yeah. You're about to shit and you're holding all. So you're like, stay green, stay green. I'm coming around that.

[Lee Syatt]

That's what happened.

[Joey Diaz]

It went red and then it turns red and you get that pre fart. You can't take it. It's like that hot air comes out before you and you're like, grandma, open up the garage door. I'm running in head first.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, speaking of farts, you pulled one of the best pranks last week. And your daughter handled it like a pro, a soldier. Because first of all, you, you love farting and having people walk into it. Like, remember the store? That guy at the store. Oh, there's been two times. One, an old lady outside your apartment walked into it and I think she almost died. And the second one was at the back bar of the store. And this poor door guy you farted.

[Joey Diaz]

Walked right into it and held his eyes change. When he walked in, he was going to tell me I'm up next. He's like, you're up? And he just froze. And I go, do you inhale that fart? And he goes, what the fuck was that? Because I couldn't even blink. I go, that's a tremendous fart right there.

[Lee Syatt]

But then last, the last week you were at Uncle Vinny's and you were just talking about farts and you just started playing with mercy, like, oh, it was you who farted.

[Joey Diaz]

And like first of all, it was a tremendous fart.

[Lee Syatt]

It was a great fart.

[Joey Diaz]

It was like a six parter ba ba ba ba. That tastes like that little breather and it's like papa fucking. I had eaten pizza with mushrooms in it, like those fucking psilocybin mushrooms. And I drank a probiot. You know, you gotta take care of your stomach. And boom. The fucking. What we talking about? The fart you took came out and you could see it was strengthening. It was like a storm off of Cuba. It gets stronger, like it was cut and all of a sudden the whole room was like a fog. And I told it's like ty weed. In the 70s when you bought Thai weed, you take a little hit and all of a sudden it would expand in your lungs and you would call for fucking tuta. And I said to her, it's like a Thai fart. You said that to your the fucking 70s.

[Lee Syatt]

Your 11 year old daughter, she didn't.

[Joey Diaz]

Know what I was talking about. She's just looking at me, giggling. But it was a good fart. You gotta let them know from time to time.

[Lee Syatt]

But then you said on stage that it was her and she handled it like she didn't get upset.

[Joey Diaz]

They said, my daughter, she didn't get mad. I thought she was gonna kill me afterward.

[Lee Syatt]

But no, she love. It's so cool that she's coming to these now. I love it. And so it's so happy. I'm very happy.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm happy too. We're gonna end 2024 off strong. We're not doing a show for New Year's week and then we come back like, I don't know the date will be in touch with you. But right now, let's get the church New Testament started. Run it. It's Tuesday, December 24th. The church new Testament is brought to you by my favorite, Blue Chew. Listen, you want to sling some big Dick McGeek in 2025, then you need Blue Chew. Joey, what are you talking? Blue Chew is an online service that gives you the same active ingredients that you'll find in Viagra, Cialis and Levitra, but for a whole lot cheaper and chewable. And it tastes good, too. Bluetooth tablets are made right here in the usa. You're not going to get none of that international mumbo jumbo and test positive for you know this. And they ship them right to your door in a discreet package. Nobody knows nothing, not even the mailman. Nobody has to know what you ordered unless you want them to. So keep your mouth shut. Uncle Joey's telling you how it is. Okay? I'm a little older. And Bluechew comes in handy from time to time. And it gets the party started quickly. Just don't be drinking booze and mixing because then it backfires and then things happen. Just don't do that. Get at it like a boss this new year 2025, and get yourself some Blue Chew. Jack, listen. Blue Chew wants you to have confidence. That's the most important thing, right? They want confidence to see you and B, for you to perform at your best. So discover your [e-mail] and we got a special deal for you to get the New Year party started right. This is for the New Testament listeners. All right. The family try BlueChew for free. Can you believe this? For free. Just pay $5 for shipping at checkout when you visit bluechew.com that's bluechew.com to receive your first month free. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. And thanks to Bluechew for sponsoring the show. Merry Christmas. Turn off your TVs. Run for your lives. It's over. They didn't put you on this planet just to give up. If Uncle Joey could do it, I can rule the world. That's what you gotta be thinking. Welcome back to what's Happening, you Savages. I'm here with Joey Merlino and my man Snuff from the Skinny podcast. It's an honor for me to have you guys on the podcast. What's going on?

[Snuff]

What's up, my brother? Thank you for having us.

[Joey Merlino]

Thank you for having us. We appreciate, appreciate it.

[Joey Diaz]

Dying to get a podcast. Going to sit you down.

[Snuff]

You're the best, my brother.

[Joey Diaz]

No, you're the best. I say that I love you to death. Because I always wanted to be an attorney, I ended up becoming a criminal. You know, but in the process of becoming a criminal, you become a great attorney because you meet other criminals and they fill you in on things. I love watching your show because there's always an education. I was just watching one yesterday. It was a piece on YouTube. And again, you're talking about a case you had, and the feds did this, and the wiretap. I mean, what world did we fucking grow up in?

[Snuff]

It's fucking crazy. Everybody says, my kids, dad, you should have been a lawyer.

[Joey Diaz]

You should have.

[Snuff]

I should have been a lawyer. I would have been a good lawyer, too.

[Joey Diaz]

Because guys like you and I, you know, we could fill the attorney's mouth. Like, I could always fill a guy's mouth. Tell him this, right? Ask him this, because we've been there. We know where we hit it, right? You know, we know all the questions. So. I always thought about becoming a paralegal for years. Even now I do comedy just to do it for two years.

[Snuff]

It's interesting.

[Joey Diaz]

Just to sit with a bunch of fucking dudes that are, like, all Harvard out, and you're like, shut the fuck up. This is the way we're doing this, okay?

[Snuff]

They will open a law firm. And you, I hope.

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah, that would be massive.

[Joey Diaz]

That'd be tremendous.

[Joey Merlino]

Well, you don't know nothing about it. And you hear Joey stories, and people that are watching the podcast, they're amazed by it. Like, they can't believe how crazy the government are. Or even, you know, the corruption that goes along with it. It's crazy. That's the most common say, oh, I want to hear them stories.

[Snuff]

Well, look what they did to Trump. If you could do it to him, they could do it to anybody.

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah.

[Snuff]

So you live it. You don't know until you live it. You lived it.

[Joey Diaz]

But it's. How old were you when you first got into the system?

[Snuff]

I went away with my first case.

[Joey Diaz]

No, no, not even going away the first time. They just said, you Know you're taking it down for a misdemeanor.

[Snuff]

I used to get lucky.

[Joey Diaz]

You start with a felony.

[Snuff]

Not 13, like shop than Robin. Spray paint beat the shit out of me, right? Paint back, pay for it, whatever. My first, I got pinched to, I think it was 1920. I got seven years right off the bat. I never had a record. The lawyer tells me, got a fragrant assault. He says to me, you're going to get probation. You never was, you know, no record. You're good. First conviction, we go to sentence. He said, wear a suit. I got the suit to tie on. The judge says, stand up. I stand up. He said, I'm send setting you this Italian judge, too. Your own kind's the worst.

[Joey Merlino]

He says he buried it.

[Snuff]

Yeah. He says, I'm going to send you to seven years in prison for count one, I'm standing. Count two, seven years in prison. Count three, seven years in prison. My L I'm. That's 21 years. He says, take him out of my courtroom now. He said, I run a concurrent. I don't know what the current means. I went to eighth grade. I go down. The lawyer comes, you know, through the glass. I said, you. I wanted to put the thing around his neck. And she told me I was getting probation. He said, no, you only got seven years. Seven years. As I got 21 years. You. He said, no, it's concurrent. What the concurrent mean? I didn't know what it meant. And I got seven years. My first, first bit.

[Joey Diaz]

How long did you do that time?

[Snuff]

I did two and a half years. In Jersey. It was Jersey. In Jersey, they gave it. It was like the old law, you know, you to parole board and all that. I'll tell you what, it's cold up here, Joe.

[Joey Diaz]

You think Jersey. I'm even, I'm, oh, Jersey cold. Oh, cold here in the office, in the, in the igloo.

[Snuff]

Yeah, the whole. No, I love it here. It's beautiful.

[Joey Diaz]

The igloo is tremendous. Trying to get it together.

[Snuff]

Even outside's cold. Yeah, I'm a Florida guy.

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah, he's Florida.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, man, I, I, that's why I always have a hooded sweatshirt. I am constantly.

[Joey Merlino]

Well, you said wear a jacket. I said, let's bundle up.

[Joey Diaz]

Wear a jacket. Because it's cold up here by the cliffs.

[Snuff]

Will you be coming to Florida in March, right?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, March 14th, if everything works out all right.

[Snuff]

Good.

[Joey Diaz]

So, like, the other day you were talking about some fed case where I. I've heard, like, when I got arrested for kidnap, they took me. It became it was a Colorado thing. But they took me down to the federal building first, and I spent the night down there. And these guys were talking and this guy had gotten pinched. This is my first night. I ain't sleeping. This is the first night I ever spend in jail. I ain't sleeping and they're talking. I got involved with them. I think one guy gave me coffee at that time, I didn't even drink coffee. And he was talking about that he was making runs to Florida, to Columbia. The guy would drive him from Colorado to fucking Miami. They'd pick up the stuff. He goes, he got pinched. He went to court. He was the undercover fucking cop. He goes, that motherfucker was doing the same amount of coke was as me every fucking night. Banging everything, snorting coke, shooting coke. He goes, the guy was crazy. And he goes, awesome. They take him, they pull them out, and they put him in rehab. They fucking clean them out, and you don't have a trial for a year. They come in looking completely different. Yeah, it's fucking insane. He was telling us this shit, and.

[Snuff]

I'm like, yeah, that's crazy.

[Joey Diaz]

You have no idea how they do.

[Joey Merlino]

Well, they got uncountable money. They could give them all the money, let them party, do whatever they want.

[Joey Diaz]

It's insane.

[Snuff]

There was a case out of Philly. It was a black kid drug case. They had a undercover FBI agent, you know, he didn't know daughter was his girl, and she them that ain't allowed, that they ain't supposed to have sex. She them, and they threw the case out.

[Joey Diaz]

Wow.

[Snuff]

Yeah.

[Lee Syatt]

They threw the whole case out just because she had sex with him.

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah.

[Snuff]

They're not supposed to walk. Yeah, but it's not a 20 cases.

[Joey Merlino]

That's awesome.

[Lee Syatt]

He must be really smooth if you got a sleep with him.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, that's James Bond type. Come over to kill him. Next thing you know, they come to kill James. Yes, they come. Hot blonde, come to kill him.

[Snuff]

Gorgeous.

[Joey Diaz]

And two minutes later, he's her in the ass.

[Joey Merlino]

Fucking classic.

[Joey Diaz]

That's Sean Connery. That was smooth.

[Joey Merlino]

Smooth as ever.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, we were talking about, like, cool guys. Like these guys today have no idea. They just get dreads and they put on gold and they think that's cool. And I'm like, you don't even understand what cool is. Like when we were growing up, like when you looked at Charles Bronson and the fucking Mechanic, you're like, God damn. When you saw. Like I was telling them, when you saw Elvis. Have you seen that documentary on Netflix when that Motherfucker walked out with the blood, with the black suit. Even guys were like, give me a piece of that. Just take out that yum yum stick. I might as well get it over with. Hilarious. Like, we don't have that no more.

[Snuff]

No, Nobody dresses.

[Joey Diaz]

Nobody dresses. But it wasn't even Steve McQueen. You see Steve McQueen and Bullet, you're like, what the was this guy thinking? I mean, he's smacking his wife in the getaway. You're like, look at this. Nobody said a thing. Yeah, nobody said a thing. He was smacking the out of her for real. She didn't even know she was getting beat up because that's the animal he was. Nobody said a thing.

[Snuff]

Right.

[Joey Diaz]

He was kicking her.

[Snuff]

Classic.

[Lee Syatt]

Why do you think it's how. Like, it's. As a non Italian. It seems like Italian guys are probably the coolest. At least they're like white people, don't you think?

[Joey Merlino]

Like swag.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Snuff]

Way we dress dresses no more.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah.

[Snuff]

Like years ago, my father, they wore suits every day. If you look at the old baseball, like the fans, everybody in the stands had a suit.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah.

[Joey Merlino]

That's crazy.

[Joey Diaz]

Like, you can fly without a suit.

[Snuff]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

When I was a kid. Dog, you were banging out some suits in the 90s.

[Snuff]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Now.

[Snuff]

Yeah. I used to wear the.

[Joey Diaz]

Yes.

[Snuff]

Sneakers, jeans.

[Joey Merlino]

I don't even own a pair of dress pants. It's crazy. No, seriously, like, even like when you see people go to funerals now, they don't even wear black.

[Joey Diaz]

They're.

[Joey Merlino]

They're red. It don't even matter. They go like. It's nothing.

[Snuff]

I went to a funeral. I walked in with flip flops.

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah. Baseball hats on. It's crazy.

[Snuff]

We lost.

[Joey Merlino]

We lost it. We lost it.

[Joey Diaz]

That gets to me. Flip flops, plastic shoes, or eating dinner.

[Joey Merlino]

He's got a backwards hat on. I mean, it's crazy.

[Lee Syatt]

Like Crocs.

[Joey Merlino]

Oh, Crocs. You're a weirdo. You got Crocs on.

[Joey Diaz]

Got Crocs on. And now they're giving them to kids. And every time I go to one of my daughter's games, I see a bunch of boys walk in with Crocs.

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah.

[Snuff]

You know what they give out now in jail, they used to get. Remember the shower shoes? To go to shower. They give the Crocs out. I hate. That's what they wear in jail.

[Joey Diaz]

I'd rather get fungus.

[Snuff]

Listen, I'll never wear them shoes.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah.

[Joey Merlino]

Now they got the designs on sports team Spider Man, Paw Patrol. It's terrible.

[Snuff]

Sick. This country's up. The kids Are all up today.

[Joey Diaz]

They really are.

[Snuff]

Look at this kid the other day, shot the. It was a girl, a guy. You don't know what the.

[Joey Diaz]

Now that was really a girl.

[Snuff]

No, it was a. It was a guy, now it's a girl. I don't know what the. It is not a liberal. Sick.

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah, it's, it's. It. It's a problem.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, I, I was just telling my wife about that shooting on the drive up here. You know when you're a parent and your kid goes to school, it's in the back of my head.

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Every time it happens. I'm not stupid. I'm not stupid. It can happen right in front of you. You always, when you see situations like that, you know, that'll never happen to me. Knock on wood. You never know, man.

[Snuff]

Yeah, no, it's dangerous. A second grader called the, you know, call for help. She got her phone on now. She got the phone, now it's up.

[Joey Merlino]

It really is.

[Snuff]

You gotta be nuts. Send your kids to school today, seriously. I don't blame people.

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah, but if they want to homeschooling them because you never know what could happen.

[Snuff]

We could stick it. Stop. But they don't want to. I put fucking all I got to do is put. Get we got a million veterans out of work. Get fucking veterans staying outside the fucking school with an AK47. That's it. The guy walks up with a gun, shoot him, kill him. That's it.

[Joey Merlino]

End it.

[Joey Diaz]

At the deli today, I was Talking to a 77 year old Italian guy, full head of hair, and he was telling me he was in Vietnam and all this shit and he was interesting as fuck. He lived in Irvington. He told me that three years ago some guy went to carjack him and he had one of the Vietnam knives and the guy ran like a little fucking.

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

God, I was dying. That's crazy looking at him because he's out there, you know, he's 70 fucking 7. Whatever. He was loud. He goes, the guy want to take my fucking car? You want to take my fucking car? Come here, you little cocksucker. He goes, I have a bayonet in the car. It's the one I gave to Rambo.

[Joey Merlino]

You had knowledge he's ready to go.

[Joey Diaz]

All times when he said, when he said Vietnam, I'm like, oh, he's one of those dementia guys.

[Snuff]

No, he was good, right?

[Joey Diaz]

I was sharp as a. Yeah, guys.

[Snuff]

Yeah, sharp.

[Joey Diaz]

And we were talking. Yeah, that's what he said. He goes, I don't Go to New Jersey doctors. I only go to New York City doctors. And my doctor told me to smoke pot. So I started about eight years ago and it changed my life.

[Snuff]

Oh, with the pot?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. He said, the doctor in New York told me. The Jewish doctor told me to smoke pot. I went home, I told my kids, my kids started bringing me pot. My life changed. Wow. He goes, I live stress free now.

[Snuff]

God bless him.

[Joey Diaz]

God bless him. 70 something years old.

[Snuff]

I never smoked pot. So now I get pinched with the case. I got seven years. I. I go to the fight. I got pictured a fight. They locked me up. They put me Atlantic County Jail. They gave me the. The top tops. Tobacco. That's what they gave you? Yeah. I don't know how to roll. There's a guy next to me, he's rolling like a machine. I'm. We're laying on the floor with a mattress. So I finally get the like, like I like five of them up. I finally get it rolled and I went to lick it. The. The thing that was on the outside. And I said, I said, my man, do me a favor. Could you roll cigarettes for me? He did it funny.

[Joey Diaz]

Remember when they give you that? Yeah.

[Snuff]

They used to give you tops.

[Joey Diaz]

The. It's a yellow.

[Snuff]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Look, the rolling papers.

[Snuff]

The rolling papers inside.

[Joey Diaz]

And they give it to you at orientation in County?

[Snuff]

Yeah, they give it to you in the County. It's a Lane County Jail.

[Joey Diaz]

I was at. This is a funny fucking thing. When I first got arrested for the kidnapping, they put me in Boulder County Jail. It was rated the number two jail in the country work there. They had fucking carpets. Carpets, carpets. You had HBO and Showtime. You were allowed to stay until 2. It was fucking insane.

[Snuff]

Was it cells or dorms?

[Joey Diaz]

It was a big, big cell like this with your own little private room. You had a TV in your room. County.

[Snuff]

What the.

[Joey Diaz]

Let's go.

[Snuff]

Let's go skiing. You go to Colorado.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, no. Now you can't get a vacation now. It's like, you know, they're liberal out there now, so I can't imagine how those prisons are. They're letting you.

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, those people let you, let you do fashion shows, you know. Who the.

[Joey Merlino]

How long did you do for the kidnapping?

[Joey Diaz]

Two years.

[Snuff]

Two years.

[Joey Diaz]

Like two and a half years out of my life. You know what I'm saying? Solid time. About eight months.

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And I loved it. I really did. You needed a breaking back now. It slowed me down and it opened my eyes. I didn't smoke pot in there. I didn't do coke in there. I did a couple hits of acid.

[Lee Syatt]

You know, which is fucking crazy.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. Because you lose your mind, you got to do something, you know. And then I already, like, I had show your. You know, when you get arrested, you have evaluation points, right? Do you have a license at the time of your arrest? Are you a high school graduate? Are you mad? Like, there's just a bunch of simple questions that guys, all of us answer correctly, but once you look at them, you're like, these motherfuckers are such losers. They can't answer like two or three. Yeah, they didn't have the job at a time of arrest. They never had a license. They never got a high school diploma. You're. You're owing nine.

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You're getting 17 points. Yeah, yeah, 17 already.

[Snuff]

Right off the rip from the walking.

[Joey Diaz]

But I had a job at the time of my arrest. I told him I had a high school diploma. I didn't had a ged, which I had to get later. And there was something else I had. So I think with the felony whatever, they gave me four years. It was a four to six year plea bargain. They gave me four year sentence, which again, I went to court. George was there when I got sentenced. My brother George and I walked in there thinking, george, get the eight ball. There's going to be a party tonight. Yeah, you're getting ready to go, you know. And you hear me being loud. Now, the one thing that I'll never change, I'll never forget is when they. He told me to stand up. And he goes, four years, Department of Correction. And I looked at the attorney and I go, what the fuck? And he goes, do you have something to say? I lost my voice, right? My pussy just. It's what it was, I'm telling you. It was like my nerve. My central nervous system shocked because I walked in there thinking one thing, but I knew it was leaning because they called me that Friday and said Community corrections didn't accept me because of the machine gun, right? When there's a weapon.

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah, the machine gun probably would have.

[Joey Diaz]

Did it in Jersey. I would have got off in Jersey. I would have got eight years, halfway house or whatever the fuck. And then they would have thrown me out after three years. But in Colorado, they had to give me something, right? You know, a machine gun. Joey, come on.

[Joey Merlino]

Probably the only one with a machine gun in Colorado.

[Joey Diaz]

Knock. No, there's a lot of Rambos.

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah, they're ready to go.

[Joey Diaz]

That's why they send the Vietnam vet in the hills, right. They came up There, that's what they said.

[Snuff]

Well, that's what the lawyer told me. I'm getting probation. I had the suit on. I'm telling my friends. Oh, we're gonna go out tonight after I come home.

[Joey Merlino]

Go to saloon.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah.

[Snuff]

Put the handcuffs will be drugged me right out of the courtroom.

[Lee Syatt]

Did you get probation when you got out in a couple years?

[Snuff]

In four years, yeah, I had. Yeah, probation.

[Lee Syatt]

I heard that's worse.

[Snuff]

Probation, parole.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, isn't it? Is it harder?

[Snuff]

It's a. The state, not. Not bad. The fed's the worst. Every time I was on federal parole, I got. I got violated 10 times. You're not allowed to talk to a felon. So me and you could be in your cell for 10 years together. We come home, you're on supervisor lease, they call it. I'm on supervisor lease. I see you in a restaurant. I can't. I just got away. I can't say hello to you. How you doing? How's your parents? How's your kids? Association, they call it.

[Joey Diaz]

No, I know.

[Snuff]

Association. It's a revolver. It's a revolving door.

[Joey Merlino]

I mean, how could you be in a cell with somebody for 10 years and see them out with their family? You can't say nothing. I mean, that's ridiculous.

[Snuff]

I got a reporter to the parole guy. You can't travel. Yeah, I couldn't leave the state. I couldn't leave the Eastern district of Pennsylvania. I don't even know where the. It's at. Where the. The Eastern district. He gave. He gave me a map with a. With a magic marker, right?

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah.

[Snuff]

Like here. I thought, I don't know where to.

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah, I'm just going to stay here.

[Snuff]

Then another time when. When I got shot, my friend Michael died. And the cemetery was in Jersey, so I was on supervised release. So I called my probation guy and he says, oh, you can't go to the burial. You can't go to burial. Sits in Jersey. I said, well, you. I said, I'll be there. You can lock me up at the cemetery. And then my lawyer called the judge, and the judge said, you could go to the burial and come home.

[Joey Merlino]

That's amazing.

[Snuff]

But he. He wasn't letting me. He said, no, same thing. My father was dying, like the. The jail. Where was he? In Texas somewhere. They called my mother to counselor. She was nice. She said, you got to come. He's ain't gonna make it any, you know, whatever. So I was on probation again, supervisor release. My whole life I was on it. And I. I told the probation guy, I Want to go see my. My father's dying, and they won't let me go visit him ever. They had me separated from. He said, well, I got to get approval. This. I don't know. I said, listen, well, you can lock me up in Texas. I'm going. I'm getting a. On a plane. I'm getting the car. I can lock me the. Up. And then they asked the judge, and the judge let me go take my mother. And he died the next day. At least I got the same. Yeah.

[Joey Merlino]

At least. You got to say, that's crazy. Nuts to go through all that.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, last time we spoke, we spoke about. I don't know. There's something. Once I got locked up, I knew I wasn't going back. Jody just. And I had it nice. There was a Chinese restaurant. Cause then they put you at a prison camp. A prison camp for a guy like us is like, you're putting this back in the mix. It's like, warm up together.

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah, yeah.

[Lee Syatt]

They're warming you up.

[Joey Diaz]

Because I had. As soon as I got to that camp, everything was cool. I almost burnt down the jail. They fucking put me in the stock room. And they go, you know, stay out there. Don't touch nothing. Blah, blah, blah. And that gave me some juice because I could hide people steroids and all that shit and syringes, you know, they want to hide the syringes. Dogs. And then I met this little chubby Italian dude. He had just done 20 years. And he used to make, you know, cheese nachos at night.

[Snuff]

Night.

[Joey Diaz]

And he had a fucking business.

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

In a fucking prison camp, man. $2 for nachos, whatever. He figured out how to make green chili in a cell.

[Snuff]

Yeah, they can make anything in there.

[Joey Diaz]

And then the Mexicans would bring in the good, real shit, and you betrayed tacos with them. My girlfriend would bring Chinese food, which is driving crazy, bringing 20 egg rolls to the joint. You're the fucking king.

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And I became. And it's funny, nobody's ever accused you of racism.

[Snuff]

Correct.

[Joey Diaz]

They can't.

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Even when we. Even if we say something racist about African Americans, they go, not that guy. Yeah, not that guy. Because when I got locked up, my best friend was a fucking Crip. Until this day, I yearn for him. Like, I miss him.

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

That time we spent together, he had seven girlfriends, a kid with each of them. All of them drove a Mercedes.

[Snuff]

Seven baby mamas, seven baby mama.

[Joey Diaz]

His visitation started Friday at 7. 9 2.

[Joey Merlino]

He had them all.

[Joey Diaz]

And he had them all. One of them Was Cuban. So he told here's my Cuban. So she would bring in Cuban sandwiches and Nutter Butters. We could control the jail with Nutter Butters. Black people love Nutter Butters. About this, I don't know what it is. They lose their mind. That's great. So Sundays, it was a feast, right?

[Snuff]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

The after visitation, we all got together. Let me see what you got. Ah, my mom made me bake zd. Come on. You know now you can't bring food. No.

[Snuff]

The feds, you never get nothing. When I was in the state in Jersey back in the 80s.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah.

[Snuff]

You were allowed 50 pounds of food a month and they could.

[Lee Syatt]

50, yeah.

[Snuff]

They were bringing in, you know, they go through and we had everything. We had chicken Savoy from the Beaumont. That's great. And we would put it like it's each inmate. So there's a lot of like black guys, Mexicans that they didn't have not. They had no family. We put under their name, you know, I mean, we have 400 pounds of food.

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah, give it to them.

[Snuff]

We eat like kings.

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah.

[Snuff]

They used to have a hot pot. They had a little refrigerator. You know, it's back then now for the fed, you can't get nothing. Nothing. Can't get underwear, sneakers, everything comes from.

[Joey Merlino]

You know how many people reach out on the podcast and say that Joey gave them clothes in jail, Joey gave them food in jail, and they had nothing.

[Joey Diaz]

Fuck.

[Joey Merlino]

We do that's every day.

[Snuff]

We do it out here.

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah.

[Snuff]

I mean, we just gave 120 bikes out to the kids. Yeah. I've been in Philly for a week. We knocked on doors, we gave all night coats, gave 120 bikes, 120 coats, sneakers, toys to the kids. We did it our whole life. And a guy commented the other day, he says, oh, you, you know snuff puts on Instagram. You just do it to get on Instagram. Video to video, motherfucker. I've been doing this since 1989. There was no, there was no phones, no cameras, no Instagram in 89. I've been doing my whole life.

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah.

[Snuff]

I didn't do to go on fucking Instagram. But.

[Joey Merlino]

And the worst neighborhoods in the world we go to.

[Snuff]

I go and I go in neighborhoods black people don't go in. I know. He said, man, I see you in neighbors. I won't go in.

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

The giving back, that's something that we were instilled with as children.

[Snuff]

I saw 100%.

[Joey Diaz]

I saw it. I saw it. One of my most successful friends ever. I See what he gives out every month? Yeah, because I was part of it. I see how you know. And you go, wow. And that's part of the whole thing. You got to give something back.

[Snuff]

You gotta give the kid 8 years old. You send the kid in African money.

[Joey Diaz]

That's right.

[Snuff]

Who the fuck would do that? Seriously, an eight year old kid.

[Joey Diaz]

When I was fucking eight, I was going to Hudson county park once a year with the heart association. And I would go to neighbor's house. Hey, come on, you gotta give me 25 cents a mile or 25 cents a lap right there. We can walk from here right to Hudson county park, right down the block that way. And I would walk and I'd give him the money. I did that for about four years. And I'm like, what am I doing? I'm showing up with $800 a pair of Julius service sneakers. The price went up.

[Snuff]

The Converse with the red with the stars.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, yeah. The Julia. The limousines for the feet. Because it went from sneakers, went from being 11.95 to Dr. J signed with the sixes. And all of a sudden we were off and running. Now they were 21.95 and they made the commercial. Hey, doctor, the whole thing moves. Are you wearing magic shoes? That's great to insert that video in there.

[Snuff]

Okay.

[Joey Merlino]

But you got to give to get.

[Joey Diaz]

You got to give to get.

[Joey Merlino]

You have to.

[Joey Diaz]

You have to pay your.

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah, you have to.

[Joey Diaz]

My brother George, he has a four star frame and he. Or he pisses me off because he'll call me, I gotta drive to Cambodia to drop off a picture for. And I go, george, what the. But I know, I bust his balls, but I know that's how you pick up real business. Yeah, people just want to sit there. Let me get five Facebook ads. I'm gonna open up a business. Ain't gonna do for you. Yeah, I ain't gonna do for you. You got to get out there. You gotta get out there, stick your hand in the dirt, you know?

[Joey Merlino]

So every night you go out, you gotta market yourself. You always say that you gotta get out, you gotta go out.

[Snuff]

Well, you ain't gonna. Nobody's gonna knock on your door and hand you nothing.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, we're just talking about this. The bluebird of happiness. That motherfucker died about 15 years ago. And the dude, Vince McMahon, he used to knock on your door with a big chest, all ugly white people. Never in a town. African white guy in the Iowa. Yeah, Nobody knocks on your door. And that's what the American public a Lot of us are confused. Not me. Because I know how hard it is to get from point A to point B. And a lot of people in this room right now know how hard it is. But there's people that. Look, I get the weirdest questions, like, how do you become famous? I don't fucking know.

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Do you think that I didn't. I wasn't going to become famous. I was just doing this to stay out of the joint, right? This made me stop stealing, Right? This made me stop doing a thousand little stupid things. I still snorted cocaine like a motherfucker for the first 17 years or whatever. But it didn't. It's. Listen, I didn't go back.

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

The proof was in the pudding, right?

[Snuff]

God bless you.

[Joey Diaz]

I know how to rehabilitate somebody. It's by giving them something to wake up for in the morning. Yeah, but if you're just gonna put me out in society with a felony and you're telling me I can't get a job.

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Then you. Me in the ass.

[Joey Merlino]

That's what we were saying yesterday.

[Joey Diaz]

Me in the ass.

[Snuff]

You're forced. I mean, I'm done. Job can't move nowhere. Nobody gonna rent your house.

[Joey Diaz]

No, you can't do dick. And that's what they enforcing the poor felon. So I don't know what recidivism rate. I'm sorry, I'm a little high my two thirds. I got this little brown tooth over here. It's a little cocaine tooth.

[Snuff]

You was eating that. You was eating them gummy bears. I thought they. I thought it was chewing gum.

[Joey Diaz]

No, these are gummy bears.

[Joey Merlino]

Like Tic Tacs.

[Snuff]

That's what the eating these are.

[Joey Diaz]

This is our sponsor, Via Nice. And he. They got 10 milligrams euphoria, 50 milligrams, and then they got day drift. That's 100 milligrams.

[Snuff]

What's it?

[Joey Diaz]

This is a nice little thing. And you take.

[Snuff]

You eat it and then.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, you eat it.

[Snuff]

And then you turn into Rick James.

[Joey Diaz]

And then things happen. Yeah.

[Snuff]

Hunter Biden.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, my God, these things are phenomenal. And we used to eat like 10,000 milligrams a night. We broke the record on the Internet.

[Joey Merlino]

Oh, I know.

[Joey Diaz]

We're proven. Nobody could with us when it comes to reefer. Even Chong was like, I ain't going.

[Lee Syatt]

Do you remember that? He had, like, his assistant there, and his assistant was like, please, just don't give him too much. We have a long day.

[Joey Merlino]

You even took down Chung.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, we took down Chung. Oh, my God.

[Joey Merlino]

We have you been to Philly recently? Oh, yeah, for. Yeah, for. For the comedy show.

[Snuff]

How you show that you went.

[Joey Diaz]

I went to a game and I fucking.

[Joey Merlino]

That's what I wanted to say.

[Joey Diaz]

Don't get me started.

[Snuff]

The Sixers.

[Joey Diaz]

I went to see the Sixers. I'm sorry. They'll give you another one there. Maxi was there.

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And B didn't go in.

[Joey Merlino]

Paul, George.

[Joey Diaz]

Poor George was hurt. God forbid, you know, now he's back. He's back. I know he played last night. And Maxi came. Maxi did something good last. Maxi went off last.

[Joey Merlino]

Maxi's great.

[Snuff]

He's a great player. Well, he's the one who called that mb.

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah, he called him out. He said, you show up to practice late every day, you don't want to do nothing. What the fuck are you doing?

[Joey Diaz]

And it breaks my fucking heart because I love going there. Like I told you on your podcast, I love going there. Like, I love everything about. When I think about tickets for baseball or fucking basketball, the first place I look is Philadelphia.

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Football. I can't. I can't go down there no more. I'm not in that shape.

[Snuff]

Yeah, that's.

[Joey Merlino]

You got to fight.

[Joey Diaz]

You got to be in Philadelphia Eagle shape. Yeah. Philadelphia Eagle. That requires a certain.

[Snuff]

You got to fight and throw.

[Joey Merlino]

You're there at 4 in the morning, starting 4 in the morning. They're barbecuing outside the tailgate. Not inside the tailgate yet because the gates don't open. They're outside the tailgate. It's unheard of.

[Snuff]

They start 8 in the morning, game 8 till 8:15.

[Joey Merlino]

8:15.

[Snuff]

I don't even know where they're at by 8:50. They don't know what they're watching. They're bombed. They're up 8 in the morning. It's 12 hours of drinking.

[Joey Diaz]

You never did that.

[Snuff]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Okay.

[Joey Merlino]

Well, after the 12 hours of drinking, though, they're going to stop and get a cheesesteak and Skinny Joey's cheesesteak. That will sober them up. That's all we got to worry about.

[Joey Diaz]

I can't wait to open that. And we can't wait to have a podcast studio.

[Joey Merlino]

We're going to do it all there.

[Snuff]

We're going to do it all.

[Joey Diaz]

It'll be live here, that concept, man.

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah.

[Snuff]

And, Joe, we called good money on Trump.

[Joey Diaz]

I know you did.

[Snuff]

So did you. Yeah, yeah, we called that landslide.

[Joey Diaz]

It was crazy, man. The people spoke and you know what was crazy? Like, I couldn't see a lot of things happening. And I said this as a Joke. One time, I don't know, I just went off. I'm a felon, dog. I. Even if I was not a felon, I don't want to get into that game, right? It was always a game. Your buddy here, mine. My fucking old brother there. Mr. Charlie there. Fucking. We grew up in a town where we got exposed to it and we got exposed to the horrors early on, right? We saw some shit in the sixth and seventh grade that people didn't see. And when I tell these stories, you know, I told the story here with my seventh grade teacher. Our eighth grade teacher was the mayor of Weehawken. And he did 13 years for murder. Can you explain that to me? Now I got TJ English coming in with an attorney to explain to us what happened there and how it affected the Menendez thing a year ago when they found the gold. Like, yeah, this is just crazy shit that ties in, you know?

[Snuff]

Right?

[Joey Diaz]

So growing up and all this shit, I was like, this was so devastating to me as a child, this Hudson county politics. Ripping signs down, choking people. Dog. I saw fucking craziness. I saw craziness. You know, I was thinking about my senior year. Well, I quit high school, but I went to the parties. There was a graduation party. Not gonna say no names. He's gonna know who I'm talking about. It was the captain of police, who I loved dearly at the time. Italian dude, Loved him. This motherfucker made the best chili and rice. Italian made chili. And I went there with his son one day and he goes, give it to the fucking Cuban kid. And I held him to it. When are you gonna make more chili? Chili, yeah. What the fuck? Who's this animal you brought to my house? But when an Italian feeds you, no matter what they think they're feeding you, they like you. Yeah, just eat. Eat with the Cuban kid in the other room. He makes me nervous. He's got sticky fingers.

[Snuff]

Yeah, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

They'll say something to tell her. And they'll, you know.

[Snuff]

Yeah, they're talking about you.

[Joey Diaz]

So he had a graduation party. There's 150 kids on the street. It's 11:30, 12:00 on a Sunday night. There's 150 North Bergen kids on the street. These neighbors were calling the police department. The police department was just hanging up on them. Yeah, just hanging up on them. Like, that's how down. We had a cop in town, Phil Sims. He looks just like Phil Sims. The football coach, the quarterback. This guy, you love him. Cause you disagree with him on something. What do you want to do Joey? You know what? Fuck you. No, no, fuck you. How about I take my gun off and we go, three minutes, dog. Right on Kenny Boulevard. He fights.

[Snuff]

Three minutes.

[Joey Diaz]

You're driving down, you're like, what the fuck is that? And then he take you into Nick's and buy you a slice of pizza, wipe the cut down and tell you, next time I'll fucking strangle you. And then I'll book you and I'll bust your fucking head next time. And you go, okay, that's more. That gives a person more than anything. Yeah, you think about that cop for people watching. They're going, what type of cop was that? Oh, my God. He gave me a beating. I turned out okay.

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah, I was right.

[Snuff]

Yeah, the world's fucked up today.

[Lee Syatt]

What did you get a beating for?

[Joey Diaz]

Cause we were tortured him one night. We were high and we kept calling him Phil Sims. He's getting the stick in the back. He hated when you called him Phil Sims.

[Joey Merlino]

Back in the day, though, in the preacher priest, though, like, he would give you boxing gloves, like, go fight priest.

[Snuff]

To beat the brakes off the nuns.

[Joey Merlino]

My father used to say it all the time to me.

[Snuff]

If they did today what they did us in school, they'd close, they cave.

[Joey Diaz]

They'd cave.

[Snuff]

Yeah, they closed the school down.

[Joey Diaz]

They'd cave. Listen, my mother loved me with all her heart. And I think about it, why the did she put me in that school in Kearney? Because they knocked you out. I'm a regular. And she didn't want to know about it. Like, she didn't want to know about it, but she knew. And then it went down. Like I've thrown up. But if I think about what they do, what they did then, like, they hit me in the head with a lunch tray.

[Snuff]

Anything.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, she poured the lunch tray on my head. I wouldn't drink milk. Yeah, us up.

[Snuff]

Listen to me. Today, forget about it.

[Lee Syatt]

No.

[Snuff]

Decides to go home. I got beat up good, mama. Good. You deserve it, you know. Good. You know you're no good, but you know, they locked me in a convent one night. That every night. They used to keep me at the school. So we got out of school, 3:00, I go to Comet. They would let me stay till 5 o'clock. I would have to listen to the. They get piano lessons, the kids playing the piano. One night we had this nun, sister, Josephine Dolores. She was big. They locked me down a basement in the Comment. She forgets me, she goes to bed. It's 11 o'clock at night. I can't. I can't get the out. I'm locked. It's like them, the old comments with the doors like a dungeon. My mother's looking. She came to the comment. They forgot I was downstairs.

[Joey Merlino]

She had to go knock that.

[Snuff]

Yeah, go sue them. Don't get the nun locked up.

[Joey Merlino]

Could you imagine if it got beat up? Every day in school a kid comes home, they say the nun locked me in the combat till 11 o'clock at night. There'll be SWAT outside that river dog.

[Joey Diaz]

She made me kneel on beans in the stock closet one time. The stock closet where they had the supplies, the pencils and the. It was just like notebooks, black and white notebooks. The pieces of paper that told you one times two is four. And you had to know all 12. Yeah, 12. 12 times 12 is 144. Like a motherfucker. G's up, hoes down.

[Snuff]

Used to make us stand in the back of the classroom with our hands out with two textbooks in our hands. You know that's torture. And had to stand here like my fucking. I'm fucking shaking. I'm shaking like fucking Joe Biden on Jeopardy. Don't you drop the books. Like I'm fucking. That's nuts.

[Joey Merlino]

That's crazy.

[Snuff]

Funny, I always think about that.

[Joey Diaz]

I never really got into that, how much that bothered me. That's why when that nun told me to go in the stock room, I got so. It was like a molestation kind of thing. She made me kneel down and she turned the lights off and made me kneel on beans with the lights off. Like two fucking hours. And I heard mice in there and shit. And that stayed with me, man. I'm like, I'm gonna kill this. Yeah, eventually this shit's gonna go down. But I'm gonna give a break tonight because I'm hungry like a. Get out of there. But it was, if you think about it, today's children, whatever. And listen, I wouldn't accept it in a way. I don't want my daughter getting punched in the head by one of those nuns. But they didn't really clock the girls. No, they did something else. The girls? Yeah, they hit them in the hands or something.

[Snuff]

The boys? Yeah, the girls there.

[Joey Diaz]

The boys. It was a backhand that would turn that ring around and come in backhanded and just get you across the face. And then if you put your hands up the blocks, what'd you put your hands up? Walking. Two quick moves and all of a sudden the kid would just drop. You laughed your ass Off.

[Joey Merlino]

I had some sickness.

[Joey Diaz]

I went to a Catholic boarding school. And listen, that was the worst experience. But the best experience I had was the third grade. Sister Anna. There was 12 kids in the dormitory, and there was a kid that, at that time, Octavio Fernandez. Ooh. Ooh. His uncle was Jackie Hernandez, the shortstop in the Pittsburgh Pirates while I was going to that school. This is 1971, guys. 1972. He used to take us to Pittsburgh to see. And this is the days when Pittsburgh was fucking rocking. Roberto Clemente, Willie Starjew, the whole fucking band. He was the nephew to Jackie Hernandez, little Dominican kid with a little afro. Put his hat on, but the Afro. The afro was tough, too. They didn't have that type of Afro sheen those days. That motherfucker. You couldn't put on a helmet. You had to shave it or, you know, you had to wear your SAT to the side. Then one night, we're in there talking, talking, talking, shooting spitballs. She had, like, the. It was just like this, but the top was open. And every 10 minutes she goes, I can hear you. I can hear you. And we kept giggling, giggling. Octavio weighed 300 pounds. He went right to bed. He had cookie. He was like the fat dude in Full Metal Jacket, you know. What do you got in your locker? Oh, jelly donut, you know, it was on the. On that. I watched it again. Every time it's on, I watch that beginning till the hooker, you know. What do you get for $10? Then the movie goes down the. You know what I'm talking about?

[Joey Merlino]

What movie's that?

[Joey Diaz]

Full Metal Jacket.

[Snuff]

Oh, Full Metal Jacket.

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Lee Syatt]

Movies in one. It's a great movie movie.

[Joey Diaz]

That's what. I don't like the second part.

[Joey Merlino]

That's what he said. Two movies in one.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. I don't like. Once he becomes a writer, Joe, you.

[Snuff]

Got to get him shorter chair.

[Joey Diaz]

I know, but he's okay.

[Lee Syatt]

He keeps raising it.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, I give him edibles, and he thinks he's in the carnival.

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

He's just zooming around the air.

[Snuff]

He gets taller when he eats him.

[Joey Diaz]

What's that?

[Joey Merlino]

He gets taller.

[Snuff]

He gets taller?

[Lee Syatt]

I wish.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, my God. Yes, he does.

[Lee Syatt]

If it made me taller, I'd take 8 million milligrams.

[Joey Diaz]

I would.

[Lee Syatt]

I would do whatever.

[Joey Diaz]

We're talking about something that I wanted.

[Joey Merlino]

To finish with Hernandez, the kid.

[Joey Diaz]

So they're throwing shit, and all of a sudden she gave another warning, and they're throwing shit. She gave another warning, and all of a sudden she came out with a Pointer, okay? And she started whacking all of us. But Fernando, whatever his name was, Octavio was big. And by the time she got to Octavio, she hit him and the stick broke. Now, Octavio had been sleeping for two hours already. Yeah, poor Octavio. He got hit so hard, the stick broke. And she got so mad that she kind of stabbed him with his face. So we're like, oh, shit. And Benny and the jets was the song then. That was the hot song. That's how old I am. Benny and the jets are played every 20 minutes on WABC. I had the button. So if you bumped into them in New York City, they gave you 25 grand on the street. I'd be walking all over Broadway with the little radio with the one thing. And I'm over here on 44th Street. I run to 44th Street. My mom's like, enough, enough.

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah, go home.

[Joey Diaz]

I forgot what we said. Oh. So we wake up the next morning, Octavio, the lights come on, and Octavio's got two sticks and splinters all over his bed. And he gets up and he's like, what the was this we just busted? We're like, octavio, Sister Anna beat the out of you with that stick last night. And you didn't even wake up.

[Joey Merlino]

You sleeping the whole time.

[Joey Diaz]

The whole time. And she did stab one. Yeah, because he kept saying, I got a splinter in my back. It's £300.

[Snuff]

You know what's funny, though? Did you ever. Now, back in our days in school, you never heard of a school shooting?

[Joey Diaz]

What?

[Snuff]

A school shooting. Did you ever hear one? No, never. So I never heard it until now. Like, you know, last maybe 15. Whatever. Yeah, there was never school shootings.

[Joey Diaz]

Very disturbing. Sick. I like going to school.

[Snuff]

Yeah, we had fun.

[Joey Diaz]

We had some lunatics.

[Snuff]

Yeah, we just broke balls.

[Joey Diaz]

You had a couple lunatics. We all did.

[Snuff]

I failed handwriting in gym. My father beat the brakes with me. He said, you don't know how to write. How the you feel handwriting?

[Joey Diaz]

You know how to write.

[Lee Syatt]

How do you feel, Jim? I passed Jim.

[Snuff]

I didn't go, yeah, you film.

[Lee Syatt]

That'll do it. Yeah.

[Snuff]

I never went.

[Joey Merlino]

You know how fucked up it is now when we're going to pick out these toys for the kids? Right now, there's no toys like a 10 year old. They're like, oh, no, they really don't play with toys. Well, what do they play? IPad or iPhone? Well, nobody. What do you mean? They have to do something. What about a football or a basketball?

[Snuff]

Toys R Us ain't open no More.

[Joey Merlino]

It's sick.

[Snuff]

FAA Schwartz. Remember in New York, they closed. They opened back up.

[Lee Syatt]

There's a line. There was a line outside of that. It's. It's down in Midtown now, but.

[Joey Diaz]

And.

[Lee Syatt]

And they had to put Toys R Us inside of, like, Macy's.

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah, I've seen that. Yeah. I mean, come on. It's ridiculous. They don't even. There's not even toys.

[Snuff]

The world's up.

[Joey Diaz]

A different world.

[Snuff]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And with that, let's take a little breather, because I want to talk to you and them afterward about what we're going to talk about here. And we're talking about DraftKings. All right? And these are the kings of picks right here. My man Snuff. He went like, what, 2 and 22 last weekend?

[Snuff]

1 and 20.

[Joey Diaz]

No, I'm teeth. You know, I love it to death.

[Joey Merlino]

4 and 1. 4 and 1.

[Joey Diaz]

4 and1.

[Joey Merlino]

4 and 1.

[Snuff]

The last time you had a winner, Ronald Reagan was in office.

[Joey Diaz]

We'll be right back. First of all, myself and DraftKings wish you a merry Christmas. So let's make it merry for you. Make some cash without going outside, you animal. Get it on the sports action without even leaving the couch. All right? It's going to be cold. There's going to be traffic, people yelling and screaming. Not for you. You're going to order a little food, and you're going to place bets with DraftKings Sportsbook, and you're going to have a great time. And maybe even if you're lucky and you pay attention, you're going to make some extra cash. Me, myself, I love it. I love DraftKings. And here's a gift for new customers. All right, you ready for this one? You're going to bet $5 and get 150 in bonus bets. If your bet wins, download the DraftKings sportsbook app right now. Listen, let's get the party started. 20, 25. You're on the right foot. Download the DraftKings sportsbook app. Press in Code Joey J, O, E, Y. Again, that's Code Joey for new customers to get 150 in bonus bets if your bet wins. When you bet just five bucks. Happy holidays from DraftKings, where the crown is yours and happy Merry Christmas. Hanukkah from the church. New Testament family gambling problem. Call 1-800-GAMBLER in Connecticut. Help is available for problem gambling. Call 888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org Please play responsibly. 21 and over. Physically present in Connecticut, Michigan, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, West Virginia only. Boyd in Ontario, eligibility restrictions apply. New customers only opt in required casino quote credits are non withdrawable and expire in 168 hours. [e-mail] promos we're back. Thank you and please support DraftKings. You know, I love them. They've been working with me for years. And speaking of DraftKings, Snuff himself is a little impresario on the sports betting world. Part of the skinny.

[Joey Merlino]

That's right.

[Joey Diaz]

Part of the Patreon package is that, yes, you give a couple picks out. These are elite picks. What I want from him is what's going to happen on Christmas Day.

[Joey Merlino]

Christmas day, we're going to go with a parlay. Two team parlay. First. First game, we're going to go Steelers over Kansas City. Steelers are home. Must win game from them. And then we're going to go with Houston over Baltimore. Houston's home. They got to win. I love CJ Strout and Baltimore does nothing for me. Here's your two locks for Christmas day.

[Snuff]

Have a black Christmas.

[Joey Merlino]

No, you won't. Santa's going to be stuffing them stockings for you. Make sure you bet on DraftKings.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, my God. What's going on with you, my brother? Who do you like Christmas Day?

[Joey Merlino]

Oh, God.

[Joey Diaz]

Are you talking about.

[Snuff]

I like Pittsburgh. I like Pittsburgh. I don't like. I don't like the Texas game. I like Baltimore a little, but I like Pittsburgh. They gotta win. And Kansas City, you know, Mom's playing.

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah. Mahomes might be. Yeah. We don't know if he's going to be in or out.

[Joey Diaz]

Wentz is the backup anyway. They're setting you up.

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

He'll come back for like the. The playoff and throw the ball that Kelsey catches.

[Snuff]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Then he proposes to the Taylor Swift.

[Snuff]

I can't stand him.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, that's what's going to happen. They're not going to have enough, though. He proposes to a national team with his little faggy mustache. Yeah. Yeah, the guy.

[Joey Merlino]

That's the truth. It really is.

[Joey Diaz]

It really is sad what they want to do. And it's. It's, you know, not fair.

[Snuff]

The NFL wished her a happy birthday the other day. When the fuck did the NFL ever wish anybody a happy birthday?

[Lee Syatt]

Never.

[Joey Merlino]

Never been done.

[Snuff]

They didn't wish Tom Brady happy birthday. You got 10 Super Bowls.

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah.

[Snuff]

They wish Taylor Swift a happy birthday.

[Joey Diaz]

Beside the court cases. And just the funny you say. One of the things I admire about you the most is when you just go off on the rat of the month. It's December. I know you have some jingle and joy in your heart. Obviously, I know what you do. You know, you just donated. Who's the rat of the month? This man. And take it easy on him. Just, just. Who's the rat of the month? This.

[Snuff]

We just did the kid, what was his name?

[Joey Merlino]

Anthony Arlotta. Last from Connecticut.

[Snuff]

We got to pick. We got so many. We're pick one out of the hat after the new year. I'll let you know.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, my God. What is going on?

[Snuff]

Even there, they don't want to go to jail. That's the bottom line. They try to justify it. I didn't put nobody in jail. I didn't. You told. That's the bottom line.

[Joey Diaz]

I just never understood that whole thing. I just never understood it.

[Snuff]

You know, they get in trouble, they got no way to get out. They all lie. I mean. I mean, every one of my cases, we called them lying. Like that's what helped us. That helped us. We won't. Why didn't lying. They lied. Everybody who told on me never got locked up with me. It ain't like me and you robbed the bank, you know, and you told on me. They got caught doing their own thing, like the guy. Ralph Natali, he was his fourth conviction for selling meth. He was getting life with no parole. I didn't get locked up with him. He was a drug dealer. And then he came in and said, I did this, I did that, I did that. And the government let him go. He did. Got eight, 10 years, whatever he got instead of life. And he went home. And I had to fight for my life. Sad, ain't it?

[Joey Diaz]

It's a different world out there. But what's always intrigued me is the witness relocation plan. Like how you have to move your kids, your wife, Everybody's got to pick up the go and everything's got to change now. You got to live, you know, with somebody watching. Usually they, you know, some of them. A lot of them live right.

[Snuff]

But you know what? It's funny. They don't tell the people.

[Joey Diaz]

No, they don't tell you a lot.

[Snuff]

No, they don't tell the like. Like Sam in a bull. He can move next door to you. You don't know. They tell you his name's Vinny Vito. Oh, nice neighbor. Vinny, right? You don't know he's a serial killer. You got a serial killer next door to you? You. You. They don't tell the people. Yeah, why don't they move them next to the FBIs.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah.

[Joey Merlino]

Make them live next door.

[Snuff]

Let them be their neighbors, if you like.

[Lee Syatt]

I know you wouldn't rat, but, like, let's say you had some really good information. How much could you get from the government? Like, could you get them to put you in a mansion?

[Snuff]

Can you get a. Oh, they buy them houses.

[Joey Merlino]

Houses. They pay for them. The one guy was making how much a month?

[Snuff]

In my case, a million dollars in cash. He said, I got to be paid cash.

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah, million.

[Snuff]

My lawyer said, why'd you put him in jail? Cash? He said, well, I didn't want to get a check in case I went to the bank. They knew it was from the government, they would know I was an informant. So they paid him a million dollars cash again. My lawyer said, privity that fat. My lawyer said, you pay taxes? He said, no, I didn't get around to it yet. You need to get around to it yet. He said, well, I made a deal. He's got to pay. He got a million cash. He had to pay a couple thousand a year. My lawyer figured it out. It'd take him 530 years to pay it back. My lawyer said, them. Who the. Your. Who's your account now, Capone? I wish I get that deal.

[Joey Merlino]

Ah, it's crazy.

[Snuff]

No, it's nuts.

[Joey Merlino]

Most of them that go into witness protection get thrown out.

[Snuff]

Yeah, they.

[Joey Merlino]

They wind up committing more crimes and lying again and ratting on somebody else. Then they get thrown out.

[Snuff]

Look at Sammy the Bull. Yeah, he got five years, which he only did two years, just a rattle on. John Gotti lied about him, put him in jail. They gave him five years. He did about two. He wasn't. He might have been in jail a year. He got relocated to Arizona, and him and his wife, his son and his daughter, opened the next C ring, saw an xc, and he got.

[Joey Diaz]

And.

[Snuff]

And the state. Arizona was smart because they knew the feds was going to come. They never told the feds about it. About it because the feds would have made.

[Joey Diaz]

They would.

[Snuff]

They would have tipped them off. So listen, just stop, you know, Shut down. The Arizona pinched him and they fucking buried again. 20 years I came home, I give out Christmas gifts to kids. This all next to city kids. I'm the big guy. He got a TV show. He got it. Just got a TV deal, I think, right?

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah, TV deal.

[Joey Diaz]

It's a hell of a deal, guys. Yeah, that's a hell of a deal. And Antoine Fuqua. Yeah, and the guy from Boardwalk and the Sopranos.

[Snuff]

No.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, he's gonna Spin that book beautifully.

[Joey Merlino]

It's sickening.

[Joey Diaz]

That they need. It's sick. Listen. It's sickening. But right now something has to save the mob genre on television and film. Something really has to come along soon. I like the, the Stallone thing for like three.

[Snuff]

Yeah, I like Stallone.

[Joey Merlino]

Tulsa King. Tulsa King's great.

[Snuff]

He's good.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, we need something to represent pretty soon.

[Joey Merlino]

He'll it up though. He up everything.

[Snuff]

Who, Sammy?

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah. He's a piece of.

[Snuff]

No, but he's got like. Got serious people behind him. Got a serious station.

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah.

[Snuff]

All the money he makes, they should give to the kid. He killed the kid's family.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah.

[Snuff]

The Kaiser. He killed a 16 year old innocent kid for nothing.

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah. Sick.

[Snuff]

And they, they slid it under the rug. He killed his brother too. Nice guy.

[Joey Diaz]

You look at. That was 30 years ago and you look at what was going on then and what's going on in today's world up there. And it was. Those guys were. They were playing for keeps and they were making a lot of fucking money, man. A lot of money. I used to work for a roofing company. I married a girl, her family had a roofing company. And after a while they started taking jobs in Colorado. They were from Colorado originally. And I asked them once, I go, you have the fucking. You could work in Jersey and New York and you guys want to work here. And they're like, you see that dumpster? That dumpster in Colorado cost us 2,000 for the day. No, 200 for the day. If this was New York, it's 2,000 for the day. Yeah. He goes, it was impossible.

[Snuff]

No, it's hard.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, it was very impossible.

[Snuff]

Especially with the traffic though. Like, you know what it cost to get that out of New York?

[Joey Merlino]

Oh, yeah.

[Snuff]

Like, listen, the gas takes you. We was there last week with the. Yeah, we had to go eight blocks. It took us almost an hour to drive. The traffic like.

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah, 1.5 miles was like.

[Snuff]

It's got to cost major money to build a building in New York. Like the concrete trucks and the. How do you get to get there? We'll stick New York, Phil. New York.

[Joey Merlino]

We'll stick in Philly.

[Lee Syatt]

Let's just stick in Philly.

[Joey Diaz]

This is all going to change if gambling gets legalized in New York City. Yeah, okay, just, just remember that that's all going to go out the window.

[Snuff]

They're going to have.

[Joey Diaz]

They're going to put it right to my Hudson yards.

[Snuff]

No, they're going to have gambling. Gambling is going to be legitimate. And they said in Five years and that. Except two states, utol, the Mormons, and somewhere else. I don't know where the it is. You could be able to go to the. Say you go to 7 11, play lottery. You go and give me The Eagles for 400. Yeah, and bet right there.

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah.

[Snuff]

100.

[Joey Merlino]

The stadiums, you're going to be able to get right in there. That's it.

[Snuff]

Listen, the new crack. The new crack is the parlays. See, in Philly, the lines. Around a corner. Yeah, around the corner. Everybody bets. Parlays. Girls, guys, grandmothers, wives, kids. I was with my friend Wags. We were out with his son. We were in New York with the Mets game. We're eating dinner. He says, the kid, he's 13, Eddie, my nephew. He said, dad, give me your Social Security number. What the. You want my Social Security number? He said, I'm gonna open a DraftKings account. My Social Security. Because, you know, you got to be.

[Joey Merlino]

Of age on that side, Joe.

[Snuff]

Every kid. Every kid's got one.

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah, everybody.

[Snuff]

Every. Every kid bets. Every kid is.

[Joey Merlino]

They put a casino right in the middle of our neighborhood to bankrupt all of us.

[Snuff]

They're robbing houses to go go game them. Yeah, sick.

[Joey Merlino]

The casino, I could throw a fucking quarter at it.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, I don't know if any of you. Yeah, I by mistake, got into college.

[Snuff]

Did you?

[Lee Syatt]

I hate when that happens.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, on a CUOP program, you know, there's no Spanish people at the University of Colorado Boulder, and they. Yeah, we'll give you a Pell Grant. This and this and this. I'll never forget that. When you go on the first day to orientation, you walk down, there's a bunch of tables, people, you know, and there's like, you know, talk to us about becoming a lawyer. Talk to us. And then as you go deeper, it's come, talk to us, sign this and get a 250 discovery card, and they're all there. You get like a grand out of them. You know, you get Discover, Visa and something else at that day, whatever. The one that you could eat at the restaurants. Remember there was a car in the 80s? Yeah, it was just Diners Club. Yeah, that's when you were big, pimping. Yeah, the Diners Club piece said Diners Club, that one. So they gave you about 750. You open up with a 250 account. 11 out of 10 kids blew their credit right there. That's where your disaster was. Okay, Now I'm hearing, and I don't know how true it is, that when you could walk that table now, all the services are there. Come with us right now, and we'll give you a $50 credit. And all you gotta do is keep walking. And they know that you went to talk to this guy and that guy, but you're walking out of there with a. You're 19 years old and they're giving you, you know, 5,000 free credits.

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

What are you gonna do? I'm gonna save them.

[Joey Merlino]

Not me.

[Joey Diaz]

No, you're going right to the 6A game, which you're gonna put on the card, too.

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You're gonna bring a little enchilad, a half G bow.

[Snuff]

Right.

[Joey Diaz]

So by halftime, you get a little twisty. Why are you in there? Yeah, put him in there, dog. I swear to my mother, not this time and not the time before that, I wanted to tell you about this. I forgot when I came on your podcast, I went to a sixer game. This is, you know, and weirdness is growing. The one game, I took my daughter and fucking. There was a black guy making out with a white guy.

[Snuff]

Black guy making out with a white.

[Joey Diaz]

Guy right there in the middle. Right there in Philadelphia. And I knew this wasn't going to last.

[Snuff]

Right.

[Joey Diaz]

I just mind my business at that situation. You just look because you know the bomb is dropping. Yeah.

[Joey Merlino]

You know what's going.

[Joey Diaz]

You don't want to be looking that direction. You know what I'm saying? So. And I'll never forget that, like, three minutes later, I look over to give a popcorn, disappeared, right. They were gone. Well, one before that, I took my neighbor Luke. I took all the kids. Like there was four. Two boys, my daughter, my wife, me. And that time, there was a live hooker working it.

[Joey Merlino]

The court's.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, I've never seen that in my. Well, I've done thousands of events. You know, guys, how it is. She was a little Asian girl with fake tits, and she was tweaking. So she kept walking up and down, holding on to a blouse. The one tit was bouncing out. They took like eight or nine walks. And somebody came up to listen. You gotta go, there's a guy on the third floor that wants to talk to you. I got a T shirt for you. You know what I'm saying? They scored her out of there. I'm telling you, she was working it. And she was with some schmuck.

[Joey Merlino]

Like, they dress up like they're going on.

[Joey Diaz]

The schmuck walked up there, you know, that wasn't his girlfriend.

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

He went the other direction. He's like, thank God I got that mess off yeah, like a gram of coke. You could tell she was like, you know, she kept going up for a drink. Who? You know, there's a guy who will at least bring you a beer. I go to one of those games. I get coked up. I'm just sitting there. Oh, that's what I want to tell you. Before, you were talking about these Philadelphia people, how crazy they are.

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

In 1993, I come back here to do comedy. I'm living with my brother George. I'm barely fucking making it. And the jets were playing somebody in that late game, the 7 o'clock game. So me and my buddies, yeah, we're going to go to the game. One of them got tickets. It was five of us. We're going to go to the game. What time's the game? 7:30. It was Monday Night Football. What am I saying? It was Monday Night Football. So we get there early, case of beer, and some. One of the guys says, I didn't tell you I picked up a half ounce of coke. So we start snorting in the parking lot, right? And now this. It's. We didn't. Everybody's outside grilling.

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

We're in the car frozen. Nobody would even get out the piss. We're, like, sitting in the car. Do you know the game started and we were still in the car? That's when we got out to pee. And then we were too fucked up to go in the game, so we crawled back in the car and listen.

[Snuff]

To it on the radio.

[Joey Diaz]

Huh?

[Snuff]

Would you listen to it on the radio?

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, my God. Radio. We were yakking to one another. It was just a cloud. There was cigar ashes, you know, the game ended. Everybody went home. We were still.

[Joey Merlino]

You're still in the parking lot.

[Joey Diaz]

That's how much coke we had. We're like, what are you gonna do? Oh, fucking greatest. That's tailgating.

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You're gonna have to go out there and get a hot dog. Oh, my God. Get the out of here. Either you go to Suck Nick on the Lord's day, or you're not. You know what I'm saying? So what else is going on? I'm excited.

[Snuff]

How you doing with the bluechew Blue Chew?

[Joey Diaz]

What do you got to get me started for? I thought I was gonna get you started with the rat of the month. You were getting emotional before the holidays, you know.

[Snuff]

No, I'll let you know next month.

[Joey Diaz]

I. I was. You know, I keep an eye on your sagas and. And I love everyone. I don't want to get you Started the holidays, so.

[Joey Merlino]

Holidays.

[Joey Diaz]

We're gonna blood. Such a nice, joyous time. You're in a good mood.

[Snuff]

Thank you, my brother.

[Joey Diaz]

But I love you to death.

[Snuff]

I love you.

[Joey Merlino]

Thank you. We appreciate it.

[Joey Diaz]

Appreciate you guys coming on here anytime. Yeah, Anything you need.

[Snuff]

I love the studio. Beautiful.

[Joey Diaz]

We're trying.

[Snuff]

No, it's beautiful.

[Joey Diaz]

This is perfect.

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah.

[Snuff]

I feel at home right here.

[Joey Merlino]

Right?

[Snuff]

This is nice. We got to get him another chair though, Joe.

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah.

[Snuff]

Smaller one.

[Lee Syatt]

I think we should go higher. Yeah, just like you, like, you know.

[Joey Diaz]

We'Re gonna get him like a barbershop chair.

[Snuff]

Yeah, the chair.

[Joey Diaz]

Put him back and put the camera on him. From the top up. They can see the evolution of the edible working out.

[Joey Merlino]

I love it.

[Joey Diaz]

You guys got anything going on?

[Joey Merlino]

Well, what we're going to do, we're just going to celebrate Christmas. You know, we. Everything that we got going on for New Year's, just watch the mummers like we do every year. We're usually in the parade. This year we're taking a year off. So we'll be back next year bigger, you know, and just. We'll go from there. Joey will go back to Florida and get in the warm weather.

[Snuff]

Some warm weather. Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

That's it for you.

[Snuff]

Yeah. This. It's too cold.

[Joey Diaz]

You don't want to go to Colorado and ski?

[Snuff]

Yeah, Go skiing. I'll go skiing with you.

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah.

[Snuff]

They say it's beautiful skiing over there. Aspen, they said. They say Aspen. More people go Aspen in the summer than the winter.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't have a computer here, but where they taped the shiny a little bit far from there. It's where you go up there and you feed the chipmunks. Come up to you. That's the most visited place in the United States.

[Snuff]

Wow.

[Joey Diaz]

What is it? Estes. Estes Park. Is it?

[Joey Merlino]

Wow.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. Colorado's the. I want to. That's why I did time.

[Snuff]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, that's why I did time.

[Snuff]

The county jail sounds nice.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, my God, they had cable.

[Snuff]

Maybe I'll go there for New Year's.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah.

[Joey Merlino]

Yes.

[Snuff]

I was taking a little break because.

[Joey Diaz]

You had to go. It was like first you were first. You got put to bed at 9 o'clock and then if you behaved yourself, you, bail didn't get lowered right. And you mind your business. They put you into the 10 o'clock block.

[Snuff]

Right.

[Joey Diaz]

And that wasn't too bad. And then if you were good, good, they put you in the midnight block. And those guys just let you go till two or three in the morning, gave you cigarettes, then it was like.

[Snuff]

An after hour club.

[Joey Diaz]

I was locked up in county the night that Bo Jackson ran over Brian Bosworth.

[Snuff]

Bosworth, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

I was in when he drilled him and kept running. Bosworth didn't know where he was, you know. You remember those moments? You know what I'm saying?

[Snuff]

No, I remember this one.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. Those are tender moments. You're like, I love it. However, I'll remember where I was at this time.

[Lee Syatt]

Mount Hood.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, that's where they kill people. I'm gonna take you there. What does that say to you? No, Colorado. Man. I got up there when I was 19. By coincidence, somebody of mine had fucked up, you know, he got thrown out of college. And he goes, I'm going out there to be a garbage man. You're fucking savage. Because now I'm just it. My other brother's out there. So I had nothing going on here. We drove out there. It took us about 48 hours. All we had in the car. His name was Jimmy Burkle. My brother, God rest his soul. You gotta mention that motherfucker. And we drove out there with a barbell. 140, you know, the fucking big bar. He came here for barbells and speakers. That's why he came back here. Then the car broke down in Pittsburgh. I just tried to rob a bookie. And it didn't pan out. It was one of those nights when I told everybody, be at the bar by midnight. I owe you to have 300. I owe you and bring another eight ball. And I showed up there, like at midnight with the glove. My hand was tangled. Everybody was waiting for me. I had to rob the janitor. The janitor from the high school would come up there at night on a Friday night, and he would show up with a container and he put it in his pocket. And it was always those pill things to tell you what time to take your pills, right? But one of them was always filled with, like, at the time, Valium. So I would take the volume up and put them in his pocket. And then give them out to my little geeky friends at the bar. And then they expect it from me every Friday. Yeah, tell them, relax. Wait for the fucking dude. Well, the dude caught on. And I went in there one night. There was no Valium, but he had these other pills. And they look like Quaaludes. So I took all these Quaaludes out. People like, what'd you get? And I go, I don't know what they are, but they look like baby Quaaludes. Take them by your discretion. Everybody was fiending, so they go, let's go. Give it. I even took one. That was the biggest mistake of my life. I went down on a Saturday night and I didn't wake up till Wednesday. As a matter of fact, when I woke up, I was broke. And God rest his soul, you know who fed me? Mr. Achary. Because I lived with Fernie. And I walked right to the fucking. Right there. And I would put. I would go in there with no money, planning. I would put the tab on the arm and go, Mr. Charity, I have no money, but I'll be back by the time you close the fall with the money. And from there I go rob somebody. Because I knew I had to give Mr. Charlie his money. Because if I up, I wasn't eating breakfast. On the arm. Yeah, it's not bad enough you wake up broke, but to wake up, at least have a breakfast and I could figure out what the day is going to look like. Yeah, what?

[Snuff]

The kind of pill to give you.

[Joey Diaz]

What's that?

[Snuff]

What was the pill you slept for two days?

[Joey Diaz]

Epileptic pills. I didn't know. Listen to me. When I woke up, I was living with Fernie Basasudo, rest his soul. His. We had those old answering services. Beep, beep. The red light. The red light was going off. And I looked at him. Beep, Coco, you fucking suck. What was that pill you gave me? Call me back. Beep, Coco, what the fuck? I haven't stopped shit in 44 days. Boop. Go, go. Call me, Brad. Coco, you got any more of those pills? Yeah, they were tremendous. I mean, I'm like, so what happened? I knew. I went to bed on a Sunday, Saturday night, and I got up at Sunday morning. I couldn't even walk to the bathroom. I was crawling. I had vertigo fast. I just shit myself. Wiped myself and went right back to bed. Woke up Monday, same thing. Got up again, vertigo, puke. Woke up on Tuesday, got up, washed my ass, took a shower. Went to see the diner on the corner. He fed me. And I had. There's two kids that still hate me from that occasion. Every time they're around me, like, no, no, no, I don't want nothing from you. Last time I took something from you, I went down. I love it, but always good to.

[Joey Merlino]

Thank you, my brother.

[Joey Diaz]

Feel at home. Stop thanking me. Yeah, I love you.

[Lee Syatt]

I like to say thank you.

[Snuff]

What are you trying to get?

[Joey Merlino]

No, I'm coming home with you.

[Snuff]

Oh, all right. Where?

[Joey Diaz]

I don't. He's talking.

[Joey Merlino]

This guy's on my back 20 for.

[Joey Diaz]

Something, let me know. I definitely want to go to grand opening. I'll try my hardest.

[Snuff]

Yeah, I'll give you a couple weeks ahead if you please.

[Joey Diaz]

Please. I'd love to go down there. I'll bring.

[Snuff]

Oh, you got to bring him. That's Michael Jean.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, we'll bring everybody. They'll go crazy down there. Lee, I can't believe you've been sitting there. I've been watching you staring at that last calzone for the last 10 minutes.

[Lee Syatt]

I put my. I put my thumb in it before the recording. Just looked at it before.

[Joey Diaz]

Look at that glass calzone. It's calling your name.

[Snuff]

Oh, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

I ate the last. See that little piece of sweat beating on your head? Tremendous.

[Lee Syatt]

It's 20 degrees in here, but I'm still sweating.

[Joey Merlino]

My feet are freezing.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen.

[Joey Merlino]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

From Church New Testament to you, to Mr. Merlino to my man Snuff Lee. Syat the whole crew here. Georgie, Dr. Evil, Nikki, Nick. Merry Christmas to you and your families. Happy New Year. You know, we're gonna come back even stronger. Like when you get herpes the first time and you get rid of it the next time you get it, it's fucking the real deal. You show up like the Exorcist. Wow. Speak to me on camera.

[Snuff]

It's nuts.

[Joey Diaz]

Anyway, I love you guys. Merry Christmas. 2025 is everybody's year. Stay black.

[Snuff]

Merry Christmas.

[Joey Merlino]

Merry Christmas.

[Snuff]

God bless.

[Joey Diaz]

Happy?

[Joey Merlino]

Honey.

[Joey Diaz]

It'S Tuesday, December 24th. The Church New Testament is brought to you by my favorite, Blue Chew. Listen, you want to sling some big Dick McGee in 2025, then you need Blue Chew. What? You're like Joey. What are you talking? Blue Chew is an online service that gives you the same active ingredients that you'll find in Viagra, Cialis and Levitra, but for a whole lot cheaper and chewable. And it tastes good, too. Blue Chew tablets are made right here in the usa. You're not going to get none of that international mumbo jumbo and test positive for, you know. And they ship them right to your door in a discreet package. Nobody knows nothing, not even the mailman. Nobody has to know what you ordered unless you want them to. So keep your mouth shut. Uncle Joey's telling you how it is. Okay? I'm a little older and Blue Chew comes in handy from time to time. And it gets the party started quickly. Just don't be drinking booze and mixing because then it backfires and then things happen. Just don't do that. Get at it like a boss. This new year 2025 and get yourself some Bluechew. Jack, listen, Bluechew wants you to have confidence. That's the most important thing, right? They want confidence to see you and be for you to perform at your best. So discover your [e-mail] and we got a special deal for you to get the New year party started right. This is for the New Testament listeners. All right? The family. Try bluechew for free. Can you believe this? For free. Just pay $5 for shipping at checkout. When you visit bluechew.com that's bluechew.com to receive your first month free. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. And thanks to BlueChew for sponsoring the show. Merry Christmas.