← The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament
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- [00:03]
A
Kick this mule. We're back. Beautiful, baby. It's the Church of what's happening Now? New Testament Tuesday, the 14th of April. Choo choo. This train ain't stopping, dog.
- [00:16]
B
Never.
- [00:16]
A
It's the 14th of April already. Two days ago was. You know, Joey Diaz got hit by a car. Oh, April Fool's Day, you know, all that type of shit.
- [00:26]
B
Oh, my God.
- [00:27]
A
What's up, brother?
- [00:28]
B
Dude, I almost killed somebody today with my car. By the way. Driving in that city is not like. And I wasn't even high. But between the bikes and the people walking, I legit. Almost ended. I got hit by a car before. I moved to the city once. That was pretty good. I. I didn't. I didn't take your advice, though. I didn't fall down. I. Up. I was so upset you headed to a spot. I was so ready and I didn't. You don't expect it. And it's just like now I feel. I feel like it's like, stand up like now. The next time it happens, I'll be ready for it. But I wasn't ready for it. I was pissed.
- [01:02]
A
Listen, man, I told you three weeks ago, almost had a lady at 6:15 in the morning going to the hospital, get blood work and the EKG and all that shit. And it was not my fault at all. Not even close was I high like a motherfucker, but. And you know, she was half asleep.
- [01:21]
B
Yeah.
- [01:22]
A
And I told her to keep going. Go, go, go. And she's like, no, you go, you go, you go. And then somebody text her. So she looked at the text and started walking as I'm going. And things happen. But not to trivialize, not to not pay attention to what you're saying about New York City, right? I unders. Now, I know you guys think I grew up over there. I know all the streets. It's great. But you really don't know those streets. No, you really don't. There's bicycles. There's bicycle lanes now there's fucking people with fucking clothes, you know, and it's. It's a lot. And as you get older, you get, you know, bro, I'm driving. I'm not supposed to be three Chinese guys pushing a cart with a fucking dragon on fire in it.
- [02:10]
B
And then they fucking. The problem is, it's not just bikes anymore. They have motors on them. So. So you. You look and you think you have time, and then all of a sudden they're there and it's. And I got to be like, this is the first. Yesterday was the first time I was a little bit scared. I don't know if you saw, they had, like, a guy with a machete at Grand Central. That, that. That he stabbed. He got two people. That. That was the.
- [02:34]
A
That.
- [02:34]
B
That's the. That's the train station I go to.
- [02:36]
A
Yeah, but that's.
- [02:36]
B
If I got whacked with a machete, you would never let me hear the end of it. If I survived, you would never let me.
- [02:41]
A
That's your new name, Machete. Machete and Yiddish. I don't know what that is. But you know, Lee, that's an everyday occurrence in New York City at some point or another. You know, that's a thing that you never see until you see. And once you see it, you can unsee it. No, you know, and I've seen fist fights, right? Things. And fist fights at otb and I've seen, you know, arguments. But a motherfucker with a knife on a train and he starts stabbing people, you know, I mean, you don't know what. You're just waking up. I didn't have my coffee and I'm stabbed in the fucking lung already. Like, what's this world coming to? All that shit, man. Listen, you can't stop living your life. No. You know, what are you doing, George? I'm going to Rolling Stones. We're going to take the train. Oh, you can't take the train. You're going to get killed. I can't stop living my fucking life. So all I ask of everybody, just keep your fucking eyes open. Tell your wife, girlfriend, cousin, nephew. When we're walking these streets, do me a favor and shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. So if you do say something, I can react, right? I career. I don't want to hear about is. Is Clemens pitching or whatever the fuck it is, you know?
- [04:08]
B
Right?
- [04:09]
A
And that's when I'm walking. I'm very serious now. Was it here or somewhere else? I said, dog, George, I used to walk all over the city, okay? All over the bridge down to fucking just save the token. Because I didn't have. When you only have $18, that token.
- [04:27]
B
The subway token. Yeah.
- [04:29]
A
$0.50 tokens, a lot more than what you think.
- [04:31]
B
$3 now.
- [04:33]
A
And it got to the point where my gift was that if I had a Walkman with earphones and weed, I'm good. I don't need your stupid fucking bus. I'll get there. Now, at this age, can't do it because I feel somebody sneaking up behind me. And listen, when I was doing blow, nobody was sneaking up behind me. But now, at this age, I always feel like I can't hear. I don't know what these people doing with their cars, right? So if I go, I do walk. I have to walk against traffic because I want to see these idiots. I don't want to walk with these idiots on my back. The fucking tax that the steering wheel goes and I'm dead, right? So at least I could see what's going on. That relieves some of the anxiety. As far as events again, before you want to go to any event that you're not sure about, this is why I always ask myself telepathically, put yourself on the floor bleeding from the shoulder at a fucking hockey game that you fucking hate hockey. But you had to go for your friend because, listen, think about that feeling. You're laying on the floor, you hear bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop coming from your lungs. You can't breathe because somebody invited you to something you didn't want to do anyway, and you went. And now you're on that poor gurgling blood, thinking to myself, why the fuck did I come here? So that's what I do whenever somebody invites me out of something. I look at it that way, listen, not if you invite me to a restaurant, but all that other stupidity. A Jet game, you know, at what point is one of those Jet fans gonna run out and get a bazooka and start shooting everybody in that stadium? At one point. At what point, at one point are these giant fans, these knuckleheads, gonna get a bazooka or a machine gun and shoot the fucking Raider fans as they're walking out? It's got to come. You can't lose for 50 fucking years, you just lose.
- [06:33]
B
I got to be honest. Watch out. Bazooka would be pretty cool.
- [06:36]
A
But my point is, I know anything like that now. I think about it twice, like, do I really fucking. Will my life change? I understand getting entertained. I want to go see a play pretty soon. I got to do it before the 20 fucking third because I'm not going to be able to do it afterward. But I've thought about it. Do I want to get on a ferry with my family, walk around Manhattan? Because it's not the play I'm concerned about. It's the bum whacking off. Oh, that's while I'm walking past the street. It's the guy waving a knife. It's the Chinese guy talking to the wall for no fucking reason, you know?
- [07:16]
B
Do you think it's because you have Mercy. Like, do you think you.
- [07:18]
A
No, it's because I have me. I want to live while you have to re. I love these people that just do things. They. Like chickens without a head. I see 20 people in my world right now that we're going to eject. Oh, we're going to. Oh, my God. And it's like, what are you doing? What are we doing this for? Tell me why. Let's get down to the square root of this. Are you doing this to post pictures on Facebook so your friends could see you? Are you doing. You know, you have to think about this shit. Why? Really taking these vacations? And again, we're back to the vacation. I'm not saying that right now. We're not even talking about vacations. Please. Thank you for correcting me. I'm just trying to figure out. Because every time you turn on the news, you know, yesterday in Jersey, they killed some people, didn't they? At the In N Out in Union. Right? Chick Fil A. Chick Fil A? Yeah. You know, I like Chick Fil A.
- [08:16]
B
You know? Yeah.
- [08:17]
A
So right there, now I'm done. 30% now, before I go to Chick Fil A, I gotta think about it. But, Joey, you're being unrationable. Yes, I am. Because this could happen at any chicken store. This could happen anywhere. So when you walk into a place, you gotta keep your eyes open while you're there. Because. You're in a black neighborhood, you want to be on your phone texting with your girlfriend. Tell her, fuck off. Fuck off. I'm not going in my pocket to get an iPhone. I mean, enough, enough. How many fucking times do you see people on the iPhone walking? Enough, enough, enough. And that's how you have to play it now. You have to tell her whatever your way there. And see yourself on the floor, bleeding from an eyeball, barely getting oxygen. Cause I really want to go see this band. Listen, I'll save you 400 a hangover and everything. I'll give you a joint and we'll play the album at home really loud.
- [09:25]
B
What about people coming to our shows?
- [09:28]
A
It's the same thing. Well, listen, I'll tell you what. Nobody has gotten shot at a comedy show, but if somebody does get shot in a comedy show, you will think twice. Yeah. And again, dog, I'm not talking about staying in with bars around your house because you're scared. Joey said I'm gonna get shot. Joey did not say, you're gonna get shot. Joey said to think your steps. And when you're there, keep your eyes Open. Because listen, I'd rather have a human shield in front of me getting bullets than that iPhone.
- [10:04]
B
No wonder you always put me in front of you. Oh, my God. Yeah, dude, it's.
- [10:08]
A
You live in New York City, and whether it's 1965 or 2026, it's a big city and anything could happen. This goes for Miami. This goes for Houston, Texas. This goes for Austin. Didn't they just shoot a bunch of people in Austin a couple weeks ago? Probably in a bar, Some Abdul guy came out. This goes for Tempe, Arizona, with all those college students. You know, Coachella. They're in Coachella now.
- [10:36]
B
Jumping Justin Pepper, your favorite time of year.
- [10:39]
A
Yeah, you know, it's just so. Again, what the fuck are we talking about, right? Especially this could happen in San Francisco, booby. This could happen while you're at the mall. What about. There was a case that just got settled. A lady who got thrown off the Mall of America and landed on the bottom.
- [10:56]
B
Really? Yes.
- [10:58]
A
Something happened out there, but if you live. Think about it. What's that expression? If you throw spaghetti against the wall, it's gonna stick, right? Right? Well, if you throw 8 million people. And again, I don't know my. I'm not census taker, but I'm just telling you, if you throw 3 million people in a city, more shit, there's more cuts, there's more car accidents. There's. Naturally. So you gotta raise that up with murders, crazy people, but you just don't know when it's going to strike. And all I'm trying to say is just to be prepared.
- [11:30]
B
Especially places like. Like Coachella. Coachella is not for me, but I get it. But then even to spend ten grand, to be stuck there with the thousands of people and something that's such a high, like everyone knows about. I forget the word I'm looking for. But everyone's. It's a big play. Everyone knows about Coachella, that, like, if they know if they hit that Justin Bieber's there. If someone comes to the. The Funny Bone in Omaha, no one's really gonna. You're not gonna really get much.
- [11:58]
A
You know, it's funny how life has changed, you know, people's entertainment needs have changed. When I went to a concert, it was to get fucked up and see the concert and enjoy the music from the bottom. My early. I never went to a concert going, oh, I'm gonna wear cologne. I'm gonna pick up a chick. A woman. Wasn't even on my mind. Wow. What? Not even on my mind. I'M going there. I like this band. They have four albums. I got fucking three of those four albums. And the only reason why I don't have the fourth one is cause I'm saving up for it. It's a double album or something, you know. Right. I have a background in there. I know what I'm. You know, people don't do that no more. People will go to anything just to be seen.
- [12:42]
B
Yeah.
- [12:43]
A
Okay. And the pictures and us at the game and. And you forget why you're even doing things anymore. I think that there's some people who forget why they're even living. Their whole thing is. Let's take a shot.
- [12:57]
B
You don't even mean drinking. You mean picture.
- [12:59]
A
Picture. Yeah, let's take a shot. Let's take a shower real quick. Let's take a shot. Oh, real quick. Let's take a shot. And they're so focused on the shot that they miss the big picture of the evening or the morning or of the event you're going to. You know, you're just missing the whole fucking thing.
- [13:17]
B
And does that bothers me because they're not having, like, they're not having fun.
- [13:21]
A
I'm going to a Nick game to fucking watch the Knicks, man. They're about to be in the playoffs. I think they play tonight at 8 o' clock at the Garden. If I was, I'm going there to watch them play. I'm not going to pay $10,000 to sit in the front row with a hat on and sunglasses and make believe. Like, I just don't see that.
- [13:42]
B
Right.
- [13:43]
A
You're already in movies. You're already in a thousand fucking things. Now you gotta be a show off and sit in the front row. You're missing the whole thing. Best games. I saw George correct me up on top.
- [13:57]
B
Yeah, you have so much more fun.
- [13:59]
A
And we discussed this a thousand times. So I don't know anymore. There was a time that I knew how to market a comedy show correctly. Like if I was really thinking. And George says, I have the spot up in Cliffside. My sister runs it. It seats 80 people. Okay. Do we want to do a three man show? Conventional again? No. This ain't a comedy club. Let's do something. Let's get a singer, let's get a band, let's get a Chinese guy lighting firecrackers. I don't give a fuck. Yeah, but I don't even know my point.
- [14:31]
B
No, but it is interesting. Like, it's a different story now. Like, I gotta be like one of my favorite shows that We've been doing those bucket shows that we did. Like we just did one.
- [14:39]
A
Tremendous.
- [14:40]
B
So much. I think I'm thinking about trying to start one in the city somewhere.
- [14:45]
A
They're tremendous. They are. Like last week, I went to Austin last week, and I went to dinner with my friend. I had nothing to do for two days. All I had to do was be at ways too. Well, at 11 o' clock Wednesday morning, I had made no commitments to anybody, okay? I was going there. In fact, nobody even knew I was coming.
- [15:12]
B
That's so funny.
- [15:13]
A
While I was eating dinner, I saw a guy that was Joe's security detail and he goes, what are you doing here? I go. And nobody knows. He goes, you got it? I go, I don't want it. Him even knowing I'm coming to the club, right? So I walked in there like a quarter to eight now, before the,
- [15:34]
B
before
- [15:35]
A
the, you know, I don't have that much of an appetite no more, okay? So before that I went to eat. I ate like a BK barrel, like two quick ones, okay? And then I had a couple vampires.
- [15:49]
B
Oh, edibles, okay.
- [15:49]
A
I put those in my pocket. So I went to this great restaurant, Austin Eddie V's. I didn't get a steak. I ended up getting the whatever yellow tail koala where they slice it thin with olive oil and shit like that, right? My friend had the same. And then I got chili and sea bass. And while we were wrapping up, I didn't drink or anything. I was drinking water, but at least I had a little appetite to finish the fish and whatever. But as I was wrapping up, for some fucking reason, I went in my pocket to see what I had and it was those vampires. So I ripped one and ate it, not thinking it's 250 on top of the two I ate. Plus I didn't really eat anything all day. Plus this chili and sea bass. Now I gotta walk to the club and get the edible cooking, which is like a five minute walk. And then I got to go in there, get on the elevator, go up, surprise Joe, hug him. And Joe goes, you want to go up before me? And I'm like, not really, dog. I just walked in here and as I was talking to him, the sweat started coming out because I just walked there. He immediately was catching up with me. Yeah. He's like, come on, bro, just go up there, do 10. Just bring me up, do 10, do 10. I'm like, you know what? If I don't agree to this, he's not going to shut the fuck up. All right? So instead of taking the elevator. I walked. Mistake number.
- [17:12]
B
Oh, down. Oh, no.
- [17:14]
A
And then back up. What goes down must come up, right? Or whatever the fuck it is.
- [17:18]
B
Yeah.
- [17:19]
A
And I walk up and I get to the top of the stair. I'm out of breath. Anxiety's taking over. I'm sweating fucking profusely by this point 49. I regrouped a little bit. I breathed. I took. You know. And then Tony looked in, and he goes, oh, shit. Okay. He brought me up, and I walked out there into, like, a ball of anxiety, sweat dripping down my fucking back. You know, the first set, I did okay.
- [17:46]
B
Okay.
- [17:47]
A
I did okay. I had some rough spots. I hadn't been on stage, and I didn't look at my notebook. Then I had to go for the bottom of the barrel.
- [17:54]
B
Their bucket show.
- [17:55]
A
Their bucket show. And it was brilliant. I mean, it was like. It was just coming out, like, perfect. And then on the way out, I go, you know what? I'm feeling it. Let me do the late show. And I just leveled the room. Oh, yeah, I just leveled it. And I did the same stupid shit Wednesday. When I went there, I wasn't headed there, and he kept texting me, bro, where are you? Please come give me a hug before you leave. I walk in, he's like, you going up? No, I'm not, motherfucker. I'm not going. I'm doing the little room first so I can warm up a little bit.
- [18:26]
B
Right, right, right.
- [18:27]
A
So I fucking pissed him off. I did the little room, and then I went back to the big boy and fucking laid it out nice. And I felt, you know. But I can't walk into a room and just kill.
- [18:38]
B
Yes, you can.
- [18:38]
A
5050. No, no, no. Yeah. If you come in and settle and drink a water and talk to George and take my mind off what's going on. Yeah. But when you walk into a place like, oh, Lee, thank God you're here. Get up there.
- [18:50]
B
You're like, that's tough.
- [18:51]
A
Yeah. I just ate fucking dinner. I just. I had my wife's fucking asshole in my mouth.
- [18:58]
B
Yeah, it. There's something. Why do you think the bucket show doesn't. You don't have that anxiety over. Because, you know, like, you don't have to remember material because I'm about to open up something, okay.
- [19:09]
A
And I don't know what it is. And that's always great. It's like, if I put a safe here and said, george, there's something in there that's worth money. I just don't know what it is. Right. And George goes in there, and it's Natasha Lakinski. She drew it fucking. While she was on fire. She. And it's worth 2 million fucking dollars.
- [19:27]
B
Right.
- [19:28]
A
You know, so that's how it is.
- [19:30]
B
And it's. I don't know. It's so much fun because there's no pressure to remember anything. And, like, you try, like, I don't know. In my head at least, I'm like, don't you. You're not allowed to go anywhere that you've been before.
- [19:40]
A
Listen, I know a lot of young comics watch this show, and I thought about this when I was eating lunch the other day. I've been getting up on stages for close to 35 years. I'm three months away. Wow. And I'm gonna lie to you if I tell you I still get nervous.
- [19:58]
B
Oh, yeah.
- [19:58]
A
It's not the intensity if I was 30 years ago, but I still. For a minute there, I just need a minute. I just need a minute to regroup. You know what I'm saying? And then once you go through the same process you've gone through for 34 years, not four years, not 14 years, but 34 fucking years, you. You've been doing the exact same thing. And by the time you touch the microphone, once I say, what's happened, you bad motherfuckers. Lights out. The fear is gone. The fear went out with those words.
- [20:30]
B
Right?
- [20:31]
A
That's why they're a little harsh. But I don't care if they're harsh up front. You follow me?
- [20:37]
B
Especially for you.
- [20:37]
A
Yeah. For me, it's harsh.
- [20:39]
B
Yeah. But people love it. People. People go crazy. I'm so. I'm so excited for Nashville this weekend.
- [20:45]
A
Oh, it's a comedy festival. Eat some chicken Friday night. The only thing I'm sad is we're not. Listen, I don't have the time to stay in cities anymore. Right. I just don't have the time. I wish, like, last week, I did very good in Austin. Like, there wasn't one time I thought about catching the plane a little earlier or if I could bum a fucking helicopter ride with a congressman or something.
- [21:13]
B
Right?
- [21:13]
A
Not one time. Not one time that I think about that. And that's how I like my things to go. And I was explaining to you the other night at the dojo that once the knee gets worked on next week, once I'm walking around, I feel better. I'm going down there. But then to get back on stage, I'm gonna go down there for three days in a row, and my goal is 10 sets in three days.
- [21:36]
B
Oh, that's easy.
- [21:37]
A
I don't know. With a bum leg. I don't know.
- [21:39]
B
But once you can stand up.
- [21:42]
A
Yeah, I'm gonna try it, you know? Yeah.
- [21:44]
B
And especially since you won't have to go anywhere.
- [21:46]
A
No, because if I stay here, I have this Atlantic City thing and there's a boundary, there's 120 mile boundary, 90 miles. So I can't perform anywhere. I gotta go to Baltimore to do two spots in two days. I gotta drive to Lebanon to do two spots in two days. I can't do a second show that's gonna really kill my legs. So before we even go there, if I go down there, I got four shows in one night. I don't have to go anywhere.
- [22:13]
B
And it's different because the shows up here are 45 to an hour. Down there you can do four 10, 15 minute spots.
- [22:19]
A
So in one week here, I'll do three spots. Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday down there, if I sit tight, I could do six spots at least. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, catch a Friday morning flight and you're fucking back here.
- [22:32]
B
And that doesn't even count if you can make it to red bands room. Because if you can make the red bands room, that's even more than 10.
- [22:37]
A
And that's 100 yards from Joe's.
- [22:38]
B
Right.
- [22:39]
A
So it just makes. It's like why people move to New York City to do the amount of spots they have every night. So they could keep rewriting and keep going over there. I got to talk to you about something that's really a pain in my ass lately. Okay. Last week we had a young lady on here again. She's a 28 year old young lady. I met her when she was 23. I really got a kick out of her. I have a young daughter at home. So when I see 23s, 28, 26. This is Mercy in a drop of a dime. You know this, George? Yeah. One day you're taking them to fucking high school, next thing you know they're getting married. Bro, it's that fucking quick, you know, I think she, you know, I hadn't seen her in years, so I reconnected with her at the Roaster Jersey. And I really like her, you know? Listen, we're all crazy and we all got problems, folks. What's the Bible say here? Who, whatever, throw the first stone, whatever that fucking thing is anyway. You don't know about the Bible.
- [23:40]
B
I did.
- [23:40]
A
You're fucking Jewish. You know, I bring her on. I don't care if she's a star. You know, I just think she's interesting to me. And, bro, this is the first time I got like five messages from people on Instagram, on Facebook, that, why did I put a wrong on? And. And I'm like. And then my. My sister Lisa Messina called me. She's like, I think you got a crush on my Lisa. Fuck is no. And I told Lisa the truth. I go, I know her. And when I see these girls now, I get happy because I know that's my daughter in a couple of years. Just like that, guys. Just like that, they're going to be fucking quick. And I. For, like, three days, I was in Austin when I. I got like two messages the day after, and I got like two messages Thursday, and I read them on the plane, and I'm like, the fuck is up with people, man? People are so angry right now. And listen, I've been there. I've been angry, man. I used to wake up angry all the time, but not enough to wake up and kill somebody on the Internet at 8 in the morning.
- [24:52]
B
And they were just mad that she was on.
- [24:54]
A
Yeah. Like, he shouldn't have had her on. She was Luis Gomez's old girlfriend. What do I. What do I care about that? I'm not here looking through people's girlfriends and boyfriends. I find somebody interesting, I put them on. And then, you know, they want to see the same shit we did for years. It's so fucking crazy how people are scared of change anymore. Like, they're still like, hey, but put some New York. Why would I put New York comics on that have five podcasts a week? It doesn't make sense to me. You already listen to them on five different fucking podcasts every goddamn week. What are they gonna say on my show? Or what am I gonna suck out of them that's so spectacular by the time I get them, they're burnt out on podcasting, Right? You're burnt out on it. You know, so everybody's always suggesting and, hey, hey, when are you gonna bring Nick the tour on? John whatever Bag Rappaport. Nick lives in California, okay? Stupid Nick lives whatever the distance is. Yeah. And I'm not gonna fly him in for a fucking podcast. I'm not doing that. No, this is not that level of podcast. And I know that going in, you know, would I like things to improve? We all do. But right now, I have so many different things you're working on that you could just do a little bit at each. Whatever.
- [26:14]
B
Right?
- [26:14]
A
But when I bring a guest on here, it's because I Find them interesting or you know them from somewhere, or together, we think they're great. But it's not like I don't bring people on here just to kill an episode. I did that with the original church. I brought people on to kill an episode because we had two episodes a week.
- [26:35]
B
Yeah.
- [26:36]
A
So you gotta find somebody every week to put on there. So with different reasons, I just. I don't understand what people want anymore. And that's why I don't listen to anything they say, because they don't know what they. If they. If they knew what they wanted, they wouldn't be listening to me. You know what I'm saying?
- [26:54]
B
I think that, like, it's. Podcasts have gotten to a place where, like, you have to have, like, a huge guest who's, like, promoting. And when it. Honestly, like, what I think this has been from the beginning is just us hanging out. And I had never met Natalie before, but.
- [27:11]
A
I thought you knew Natalie.
- [27:12]
B
No, no, I never. I knew of her, but I never met. But, yeah, it's just supposed to be us. You're getting a window into our lives again.
- [27:19]
A
Think of what we were talking about before, when me and George were growing up. We'd meet over here, split a Quaalude, go get drugs and go into the city. I don't know how many concerts George saw, but George was on the same level as I. We went to different shows. Not one did you think about anything else but going to that band, Enjoying yourself, like, really knowing the words to the song. Having connections to your life. That's what the concert's about. Now I see people going to concert, they don't know what this band's about. Somebody got them American Express tickets, their boyfriend and. And they gotta go sit there with the hat of that band or a heavy metal T shirt, which. They've never listened to heavy metal. They're a walking fucking contradiction. Now you go enjoy it. Why would you care about that? I'm caring not because I'm a. Whatever. I'm caring because. What are you doing to yourself? Listen, man, since I remember, I never went anywhere. I never wanted to go.
- [28:21]
B
Really.
- [28:21]
A
I did it, like, maybe twice. And I learned my lesson. That feeling of being somewhere that you don't really want to be there. Yeah, you. You just tried to please somebody or take a girl on a date to music you don't even like. Like, what the fuck? I gotta go listen to opera music. And now you gotta sit there all night with that stupid look on your face like, this is great. We have to Come to more opera. Listen, once I put in your. Once I put it in your ass, there ain't gonna be no more opera. Okay? I'm just saying this to you for the. It's just so that's why I get mad, you know, When I went to a club, for example, in the city, first off, I stayed in Jersey till 3. You just don't earn your stripes and go to a club. You got to drink somewhere for four or five hours and do coke. Then we shot over there and we went to a club. It wasn't us getting VIP section, It wasn't us in the corner trying to be chic and fucking cool. It was people trying to get fucked up and trying to get from their shitty fucking lives.
- [29:20]
B
And it's something that you've talked about for a while, but I, But I feel it because things get so expensive now. You go with. You get so excited for it that I find myself sometimes not lying. We're like, do you have a good time? Like, yeah. Like you say you did, but it's like, also, you're like, if I admit that I didn't. Was it this a waste of 500? Like, was this a waste of a whole night? And it's. I'm trying to think. I, I. There are just some things that you run into by, like, you got. Always. I had a show in Hartford this weekend, and I got there early and they had a break dancing competition. So I smoked a joint and watched white people break dance. And it was, it was free. It was the most fun I've had. And there were. Some of them were really good, and some of them was like their first time, and those were almost better. But it was like, I didn't plan to go to, you know, like, you said something that you don't really care about that no one really cares about to spend. It's just so expensive now. And it's. But there is still stuff that, that's fun and it's free or it's cheap.
- [30:21]
A
Like, I'm, it's free because you really want. It's fun, not free. Nothing's free. It's fun because, hey, you really want to do it. You work a nine to five, you load trucks, your girlfriend's coming with you, you got a dealer to give you acid, whatever. I'm just painting scenarios here, okay? And then you get this shit that's like. Because, Doc, I felt this young at a young age. And I don't know, maybe I'm broken, but I would feel like, what am I doing here? What am I doing here?
- [30:54]
B
Yeah.
- [30:55]
A
Why did I even come here? Yeah, well, Joey, you need to get
- [30:58]
B
out of the house.
- [30:59]
A
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. This is one of those situations. I should have stayed in the house with the curtains drawn. Yeah, it's better than coming here, you know, Like.
- [31:07]
B
Oh, yeah.
- [31:07]
A
And a lot of times I paid for shit. I got a new thing now. I live in Jersey, and everybody knows this. If I don't have two people a day telling me about the new restaurant they went to, and I don't mind, everybody has fun restaurants, but I sit there and I go with all the Italian restaurants you're going to tell, you know, and again, I don't question them, but this is what goes on in my mind with all the great Italian restaurants in Jersey, you know, I'm going to be honest with you. I've been to like 10 restaurants. Will I go there again? Because I want to leave there going, george, that was fucking good. That particular dish was that fucking good. The best dish I've had the last three months is when I found the chicken teriyaki place in Clifton with the salad just like they made it for us in Seattle.
- [32:05]
B
Like the food court. Chicken teriyaki?
- [32:06]
A
Yeah. But there's a level up. Oh, my God. You know, and it cost me, what, $12, you know, 12 fucking dollars. I've always said this, and I hate mentioning this. I've seen people come through this. For example, our former friend that sleeps with the fishes now Ralphie May. I was there. I was there. And we had a lot more fun with no money than what we had with money. I know people are going to look at me and go, you're a fucking retard. That's it. I'm telling you the truth. When we would go back there and we had $8 between us and we'd walk out of rock and roll routes with a turkey or a steak, somebody robbed a steak, and we get lettuce and tomato and you giggle in the car like two faggots. Those are the best days of my life, guys. You know, you just said it. You went to someplace and you just saw a fucking breakdancing festival or whatever it was. A couple white kids breakdancing, and you smoked a joint. You really got a kick out of it. Yeah, that's one thing. It's when we pay for something, leave there, and we may be confused, the woman we're with or the friends we're with for the food. And you justify, dog, I just dropped 600 bucks on three of us. least I don't remember a thing. It's like when you go to a movie now go to a movie and I want you to ask yourself on the way out, name just what, what just happened? It was like three or four movies I went to the last couple of years that I'm like, what just happened? And what was the memorable scene when I walked out? I remember being a kid and going to movies review and walking out of there for the first 35 minutes we didn't shut the fuck up about how funny he was when he got shot in the head. Now we get in the car and we're like, what was that?
- [34:11]
B
Yeah, especially the big, the big thing for me is like try like a week later. Like, and this is nothing against Michael B. Jordan or any of them. I watched Sinners a week later. I could, I didn't remember was a vampire movie. I, I had forgotten all about.
- [34:27]
A
Like, it just didn't, it just doesn't click anymore.
- [34:29]
B
No.
- [34:30]
A
And you know, I understand your thing with like some guy, some idiot goes, or you know, whatever, your wife comes home and goes, some guy told me that this restaurant and they're willing to double date with us. And you're like, okay, when was the last time I double dated? Right? And you end up going in, you know, the food's okay. You're not paying for the food. You're paying more for the fucking. Let me, let me pour the wine, taste it, you know, and you're a big shot. You're not paying for that food. Now food's fucking horse food. 90% it is it. Especially in New York City, especially in Jersey. But I feel that people spend. When you spend a big amount and then you come home, you're, you have to say it was good instead of saying what you really felt. Listen, we went to Miami for three days. I don't remember a thing that happened. It's April, right?
- [35:27]
B
And this was December.
- [35:28]
A
It was an okay trip, but will I do it again? Didn't fit. Me, my wife and the kids that went with me. No, just didn't fit.
- [35:36]
B
You got back and you got. So looking back later, you're like, oh yeah, this wasn't working.
- [35:40]
A
It's a grown up town. It's more, you know, kids, 12, 13 year old kids don't understand that or they want to be fucking cardi b. You know, if they want to be cardi b, they have a good time when they don't know about that fucking world. So there's a lot of things that even I've Learned to say, hmm, Right. You know, I'm not looking for something to be bad. I'm optimistic. I'm looking for something to be great. Right. When you tell me about a restaurant, I'm looking for that to be fucking great. Like, you know, especially if I know you a long time. That's why I don't yelp or listen to jerk offs that, you know. Yeah, I don't, I don't, I don't,
- [36:19]
B
I don't know how you do that. You do, you only take recommendations. Like, I, I, I'll be like, I'm savages. I don't look on Yelp, but I'll look on Google and I'll be like, how is this, wow.
- [36:31]
A
Google, you could pay for recommendations on all that.
- [36:33]
B
That's true.
- [36:34]
A
I want somebody telling you from their heart, I want somebody telling you, hey, man, what do you think of Ming's Chinese restaurant? I fucking love Ming's. But I tell you what, man, I've never had a bad meal at ming's, but China's US is a little better than it's 15 minutes away. I appreciate that.
- [36:54]
B
Right.
- [36:55]
A
Than just telling me how great. And because what you think is great, I just go for the simple stuff. I'm not going to go in there for some flamboyant meal.
- [37:04]
B
No.
- [37:04]
A
My first time, I'm going to get what they should know. If they fuck it up, it's over. We don't come back.
- [37:11]
B
Do you ever, have you ever gone anywhere? Because it was on Instagram.
- [37:17]
A
I want to, right?
- [37:19]
B
Yeah.
- [37:19]
A
And then I wake up the next morning, go, I ain't going to Robertsville.
- [37:24]
B
There's a few places, they look great.
- [37:26]
A
All that looks great. But again, I don't want to come. I don't want to drive three hours for a sandwich.
- [37:34]
B
Right.
- [37:34]
A
A sandwich ain't gonna make me a break. Me.
- [37:37]
B
What, like, what would it have to be like a steak? A piece of, like, what would it, what would you have to see to be like this is, is there anything ever that you'd be like, I would drive for this meal.
- [37:48]
A
It would have to be maybe like some sort of sushi or okay, even a nice steak, Something that you know. I'm not going to go to your restaurant because the price, I'd rather somebody say, dog, I went to this place, we spent 100 bucks and eight of us ate. Oh, I don't want to go there because you're serving me a 30 piece of, what's a big steak? A porterhouse. Right. If you say to me, I have a $99 porthouse.
- [38:21]
B
Why is it that expensive?
- [38:23]
A
That'd be a day. Or everybody else has a porthouse for a buck fifty, right? What are you being a Christian for the day?
- [38:28]
B
See, that would get me.
- [38:29]
A
You know what I'm saying? Yeah. It would get you until you get there and you're eating. At first, you're seeing the taste buds, you see. No, you're not thinking about the taste buds. You're thinking about the 60 you saved. And then. But then after you leave, they go home and you shit blood for two hours and you'll never tell nobody. You'll blame it on everything else. It was a mild cold. No, it was that fucking monkey meat you ate the other day. Oh, I like this. A restaurant in North Bergen. It's called the Palmers.
- [38:54]
B
Okay.
- [38:54]
A
Until this day, it's a pound for pound restaurant. I mean, the prices have gone up, but it's what you want. They always give you a little. He goes. He gets dinner for three nights.
- [39:05]
B
Oh, nice. Out of one night.
- [39:07]
A
Not that he eats a lot, but if he gets a lasagna, I think comes with ziti or something to give you a piece of bread, right? You know, that's something that I applaud because you're at least trying to help the blue collar guy.
- [39:20]
B
Do you ever. I mean, even like the local sandwich place when I was growing up, every time I went in, he'd give you a bag of Lays and a piece of baklava for free and like it. I don't know, it just made it, made your day.
- [39:30]
A
Like, you let me know, you're letting me know. You're in my corner, right? You know, I went to a gas station the other night on the way back from the dojo, and these motherfuckers had a truckload of water just out. I could have taken one and nobody would have said nothing.
- [39:47]
B
Okay?
- [39:47]
A
I mean, pile after pile. And there wasn't no communist water. It was that Manzani water, whatever the fuck it is. And that's when I realized we're paying $2 for these bottles every once in a while. Oh, yeah, for A dollar or $3. Those people should be ashamed of themselves. Because if you put that many bottles on fucking the turnpike and nobody robs them,
- [40:11]
B
they're not worth it.
- [40:12]
A
Yeah, worth it.
- [40:14]
B
It's. No one gives you anything anymore. Like, even. Even. Remember you went to the bank and you got lollipops? I haven't seen nothing like that. I used to. Chubby kid. On Saturdays they put up munchkins. I Would. We'd go to the bank every Saturday. I fucking. Oh, my God. It made. It made your day, like, something free. I don't know. It just makes you. It makes it. You feel better.
- [40:40]
A
They fucking care. Yeah, that's it. It makes me feel like they fucking care. Just a little bit. I don't want you to care about me all the time. And when it. But just a little bit for that day, it feels kind of special. Yeah. Hey, I have rice pudding on the way out. My wife just made it. Try it. It's on the house. You got me. A second time. Even if the rice pudding sucks and it comes with a hair on it or a snot from your nose. You got me. Because you let me know you were on my corner. It's these people who just don't stop. It just never stops on every level. And they're trying to get you on more at a different level. And you're like, you have no interest in me, dude.
- [41:25]
B
I don't. I'm not a cheap person. But if I go to a place and, you know. You know, I drink. I drink Diet Coke. If I go there, a. If it's in cans, I get pissed off because then I know there's no free refills. But if I go to a restaurant that it's not a can and they charge me for a second cup of soda, like, it's enough for me not to go again. I get pissed, I get angry, and I don't know. I feel like. I feel like they're. They're. They're fucking with me.
- [41:52]
A
Why don't you want the can for the small buck 50?
- [41:54]
B
It's because it's not the small buck 50 anymore. It's like five bucks or a can of Coke. Yeah. At a lot of these places. 4 bucks. 450. 5 bucks.
- [42:02]
A
You better go back to water with lemon. I did. If it works for me, it'll work for you. Let's take a breather. We'll be right back. Tip top, motherfucking Magoo. What's going on, beautiful people? This episode of the Church is sponsored by BetterHelp. Listen, stressing about money can affect your mental health. It's important to remember you're not in this alone. BetterHelp is a great way to find affordable mental health care on your terms with a trusted professional. A couple years ago, I had a couple issues. I contacted BetterHelp. They connected me with a counselor, and here I am. Here I am, living thriving. BetterHelp's questionnaire will help you identify your needs and preferences. If you're not happy with your match, switch to a different therapist at any time. With over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is one of the world's largest online therapy platforms. Now, when life feels overwhelming, therapy can always help. So do me a favor, sign up today with BetterHelp and get 10% off at betterhelp.com/diaz D I A Z that's betterhelp.com Diaz Again, that's betterhelp betterhelp.com Diaz thank you for choosing BetterHelp and thank you for watching the podcast. Hey Uncle Joey here. Listen. You want to know the secret to better sex? Blue Chew Gold. Blue Chew Gold is a 4 in 1 tablet designed to increase blood flow and arousal and it dissolves under your tongue and gets you in the mood so you can be ready to rock in as little as 15 minutes. I love blue Chew. Let me tell you something. It's my pipe still works the 63, but every once in a while it needs that effect behind it. That's when I pop a Blue Chew Gold and it's all over the shouting for mama. Don't let your mind get in the way of a good time. Sometimes you start tripping on it. You drop that BlueChew Gold and forget about it. Discover your options@bluechew.com Again we got a special deal for the church family right now. You can buy two months of Bluechew Gold and get a third month for free with promo code Joey. Again, buy two months of Bluechew Gold and get a third month for free with promo code Joey. That's promo code J O E y. So visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. And I want to thank Bluechew for always having our back and sponsoring the podcast. We're back Jack. Anyway, I want to talk to you guys about some real quick. I never like to do this, especially on YouTube because they kill you for everything. But 420s around the corner. And listen, in my world, 420s every day, you know what I'm saying? But every once in a while something comes out that I want to tell you guys about. I purchase a lot of rhythm products. I feel rhythm is a high end type marijuana. They got a great place I think in Broomfield is one of their stores. But you know, they've got the Brownie Scout and they've got the animal face and they've got the Afternoon Delight. Those are all great indicas. But every I think twice a year they release the Queen Cola I would love to open this up and show you the presentation of this because it'll make your wig flip like it did mine. Okay? You go to a fancy restaurant, they dope it up for you. Nice. It's just a carrot, but they make it look like fucking Johnny Flambe made it. So the same thing with this. But the problem with Queen Cola's, it takes you to a different level. You understand me? You open up both these little doors of debt, and in their lies, you dare enter this house. So if you're not doing anything for 420, get yourself down to a rhythm dispensary and take a chance like Columbus he did. Why not you? I love rhythm products.
- [46:14]
B
I always, you know, smoking them for a while.
- [46:16]
A
Yeah, I've been puffing that stuff for a while. So listen, this 420, do it right with a little Queen Cola and some products from rhythm. All right, guys. Thank you. Anyway. What's up, dog?
- [46:31]
B
Dude, I'm. I'm releasing. I did you always give me for not doing mushrooms. So I did mushrooms on. Right. Right before I went on stage with opening up for Josh and I. I.
- [46:42]
A
It.
- [46:43]
B
When it was the first time, like I've done them before, and it never really kicked in. It kicked in on stage. So I'm releasing like 20 minutes where I'm.
- [46:51]
A
Next time the day afterward.
- [46:54]
B
Oh, okay. That literally the day after.
- [46:56]
A
Yeah.
- [46:56]
B
All right. Why? I had to get. I had to get it ready And I thought 420 would be a good day.
- [47:00]
A
Releasing it on 420.
- [47:01]
B
Yeah.
- [47:01]
A
All right.
- [47:02]
B
Yeah. It's gonna be really.
- [47:03]
A
We're gonna be in Nashville for 418.
- [47:06]
B
So get back.
- [47:08]
A
Let me tell you something. We're gonna get up on the way back.
- [47:11]
B
Why not on the way there?
- [47:13]
A
Because way there, way back. There's no casinos this time.
- [47:17]
B
Right.
- [47:17]
A
We're just gonna be downtown, you know.
- [47:19]
B
Oh, so, so excited.
- [47:21]
A
But I'm very. Listen, man, I wanna thank all you people came to all the shows from. Since last year. I've been on a hell of a schedule for me with what I got going on. And I tell you, man, I'm really impressed how they all went. I got two shows this week, then I'm down for six weeks, which gives me a little chance to write. I've been making notes I want to. What I want to write about next. So it's been great. I appreciate you and Becky and fucking Pedro and whatever his name is. Vic Sedeno, Hector, you know, I appreciate them because you guys inspired me when I got here. I didn't even want to look at a fucking stage because I thought it was all going to be like Los Angeles. But I like doing comedy in the bottom rung again. I don't mind it. It's good for you. It shows you character. And when you run with these young cats, they fucking inspire you, man. Right? This time, Becky hits me. She's like, you going out tonight? I'm like, that was the last thing I was thinking about. She's going to do two spots.
- [48:26]
B
Right?
- [48:26]
A
You know, so it really. You've been very inspirational. You go out a lot. And that's why last week I was like, if I want to run with those youngsters, I gotta up my game a little bit. So this is why I came to the decision of going to Austin for a week or two, planting a thing, and just might as well do. Do what I do, baby boy.
- [48:48]
B
Because I gotta be honest with you, the most, like, depressed I get in stand up is right before late show Saturday or right after late show Saturday. When you don't have a Sunday show.
- [48:59]
A
Yeah.
- [48:59]
B
Because when the week, when the weekend's over, I get sad. Like there's a. It's like summer camps over. I don't like it.
- [49:05]
A
Listen, as much as I don't like working Sundays, I always get sad on a Saturday night. Yeah. For a split pubic hair of time. I say to myself, I wish there was a Sunday show. Yeah, fuck you. I'm not waiting all day for one show that's going to be, you know, people are tired, people have to go to work. I didn't like it, so. And I'm not making excuses, I'm just telling you how I react to Sundays.
- [49:32]
B
Right.
- [49:33]
A
I don't want to be there.
- [49:34]
B
But it. It is kind of interesting when you look in like. Like some people who tour and they just go. And it's every day, like, whether it's music or comedy, like, there's some people who make it work. You can go any day of the week.
- [49:47]
A
Where?
- [49:47]
B
For anywhere. Like Sandler. When I went to Sandler, it seems like what these big guys are doing now is they'll just go out and do shows every night, but then they're done touring in a month.
- [50:01]
A
That's a great way to do it.
- [50:02]
B
Right?
- [50:03]
A
Listen, that's a great way to do it. But how long will I sustain that act? How long can I sustain it? What worked for me then isn't going to work for me now. And I know this going in before I get a bunch of my friends involved in the 30 day tour and what's it going to do? And my family, I make my wife do it. I'm a little on the older side. Oh, I know, yeah, yeah. Bert Kreisch is a fucking animal. He's gonna go out, whatever, but everybody else pretty much keeps it on a fucking low. Okay? I under like Kevin James does six week tours where he does Wednesday through Saturday. He drives, he don't fly. So I give more the fucking credit in the world. That motherfucker hates flying. But he'll drive those fucking gigs. That's all great and dandy too. For me, what works is doing exactly what I'm doing. And sometimes I'm ashamed of myself for not picking it up a little more. I have a wife and a child and I have friends, but at the same time it's got to work for me. The Rolling Stones go on tour. They do two, three nights. Maybe they take a night between shows.
- [51:15]
B
Oh yeah.
- [51:16]
A
They have to shoot up testosterone and get their levels back up at that age. If I told you guys, yeah, let's get a bus and do a 30 day from Maine to Miami tour, by 9 11, I'm done.
- [51:33]
B
I can see that.
- [51:34]
A
I can't, first of all, I can't write fast enough.
- [51:38]
B
But you know what? I most people don't change up the material that much.
- [51:40]
A
I'm bored to pieces by 911 at seven nights a week. And that's never gonna happen. Right. A lot of those guys have travel days, so it's not really seven nights. But you have to take what works for you. Not everybody's different and you have to accept that everybody's different. It's how bad do you really want to do this?
- [52:03]
B
Right? And I get that in 25 years,
- [52:05]
A
I mean, if there was a 5am spot, would you get up and go do it every morning?
- [52:08]
B
Yeah.
- [52:09]
A
You would?
- [52:09]
B
Yeah.
- [52:10]
A
5am Stand up comedy. I would love 100 people in the audience.
- [52:15]
B
100 people? Fuck yeah. Oh my God. I thought for 15, but I'm like, I'm still new, like I'm still like the kid in the candy store with this. I was just going to say in 25 years I'm sure I'll get like, right. If you, if you told me I could do an early morning spot and who knows how it would go, I would try it. I would love to try it.
- [52:35]
A
You know, so every, everybody's different.
- [52:37]
B
Oh, they should do that in Vegas.
- [52:39]
A
You know, in a year or two you're going to sign with a booking manager and they're gonna come at you with everything you want. And one day your wife's gonna look at you and go, enough. I feel like enough. You gotta take three weeks at all, right? And because they don't see, they see what you don't see. They don't see the law. They just see a tired. You know, it just takes you in. There's periods for that. When I was single, remember when I was single, comedy was Tuesday through Sunday. Yeah. You had Monday nights off. You could pull that off.
- [53:12]
B
That was for laundry.
- [53:12]
A
Single. But that's not gonna work with a wife or somebody you're engaged to. I wanna talk about the dresses. You know, I don't have to put on no fucking dresses, right? I don't have to wear a dress. I just put the fucking dress on. But those are little things. So at every level, you have different necessities. Number one, the number one necessity is money. The reason why we do this, the reason why we quit our low paying dishwasher job and got into comedy. And then you need money, you have to work. So it's always like a weird balance, dog. You're talking to somebody who for 10 years didn't know balance, right? I had no idea what balance was. I just thought that if somebody gave me $20 a night and over and they offered me a spot, I want to be a better comedian. I want to make a little money. $20 wasn't going to fucking pay the rent, but it made a dent towards it, right?
- [54:04]
B
Dude, I'd love to get $20 a spot. Now there's like me getting 20. It doesn't happen that often. It. Like there are. Sometimes it does, but, like, it's. I'm in a stage right now where, like, I'm. I'm saying yes to too much, but I'm also like. I feel like I'm like sucking dick to try to get as many spots as I can.
- [54:26]
A
Lee, you're at a level. If that's what you got to do right now, right? That's what you got to do, so be it.
- [54:32]
B
I don't mind. Yeah, I don't know.
- [54:34]
A
So be it, Lee. That's. That's what it called for right? Now I'm gonna sit here like a man and tell you I didn't do that.
- [54:40]
B
Right?
- [54:40]
A
Tell you I didn't laugh at some idiot's jokes. Try to get a Tuesday.
- [54:45]
B
The club owner's jokes. Yeah.
- [54:46]
A
Oh, that's funny, man. That's great. Yeah.
- [54:51]
B
When am I coming back?
- [54:52]
A
This is part of the game.
- [54:54]
B
Yeah.
- [54:55]
A
And then one day you go, whoa, Whoa, whoa. I think I'm starting to sell myself. I think it's time to get a hold of the old lease I had. I forget I'm a fucking Jew seven days a week.
- [55:07]
B
Yeah.
- [55:07]
A
Okay. And then you start remembering things and you get pieces of yourself and. Listen, I get a little upset with you, especially last Monday when you said that you can't wait to get to the level to pick and choose. I appreciate it. Guess what? I'm gonna tell you a surprise. You are at that level.
- [55:31]
B
I don't feel like it.
- [55:33]
A
You're not listening to what I'm saying. Okay. I can't control what George is thinking or whatever. But you're at the level that you can look George straight in the face and go, I'm not doing that. Right. Not doing it. And George will tell you that once I get a bug up my ass about not doing something, you're done. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're done. Even if it can make me money. I just don't like where this is going. Where am I going after this? This is the things we don't think about as a young comic.
- [56:06]
B
No.
- [56:07]
A
You know, last week you had an interesting question. Do I do this thing or do I do another room? It's a room. It's four walls, and they got a name that says comedy in front of it.
- [56:17]
B
Right.
- [56:17]
A
I read you're gonna get more out of that than some pipe dream headlining. Come on. Right? It's. And after a while, you're like, I get it. I really want to be flattered and maybe sell 200, but you know those shows, they don't promote. Everything's a joke, and I'd rather you get something for the money. Dating when you're 23, right. It's completely different than dating when you're 35. Yeah. Now things are getting serious. You've gotten VD already. You got cheated on. You fucked the one girl, sister. Now it's time to make just a little bit more smarter choices, right? Oh, yeah. Same thing with comedy. But it worked at 25. Ain't gonna work at 35. It's definitely not gonna work at 45. And I'm here to tell you so. It's what? It's decisions that you let happen. Lee, this is. Comedy is you. When somebody tries to tell me comedy and puts a blame on somebody, I lose them as a friend. I can't take that. Don't tell me you're in the position because of comedy. I know 30 people who have done it, and they've done it the right way. And I didn't do it the right way for the first. Listen, when I get on you, it's because I didn't see the light till I was 12 years in.
- [57:43]
B
Really?
- [57:44]
A
Yeah.
- [57:46]
B
What happened at 12 years in?
- [57:49]
A
I got a girlfriend who told me I was a fucking idiot and a girlfriend who told me I was a fucking idiot to look at that schedule and see how that schedule makes any sense. Why are you doing that for $75, Joey, right? You've been in Spider Man 2. You've been. You're a regular store. You were on Mad tv, Come on. And I'm not. Listen, that meant nothing. I saw where she was coming from, but at the bottom, what she was trying to say to me is, you've put the work into this. Why are you spinning your fucking wheels
- [58:25]
B
just to do a spot?
- [58:26]
A
And guess what? We all spit our fucking wheels. It's very sad. But how do you learn how not spinning your wheels? When you look at the results in your bank account. That's how you know look at your bank account from the money you do, from the work you do. None of us take our things seriously. We always think when we walk into the shop. We always think we're the worst employee at the shop. You're not looking at it correctly. You're not looking at it. So when my wife told me that, at first I wanted to smack her. I'm not gonna lie to nobody because the worst thing in the world is a woman being fucking right. You know what I'm saying? Like, you refuse to take that. I think you're wrong. She's right. She's right. Why are you doing this? What's the point? Well, maybe. There's no fucking maybes. Can't you do a spot at stand that night? Yeah, go to the stand. Yeah, but it's. Go to the stand because for the money you're gonna spend in driving the tires. You drive a car that every morning you get in and go, hala. It's gonna get me to the Comedy Store. Now you wanna take the car to Modesto, right? You know, there's just so many fucking things, Lee. You know, I used to book. I remember calling George one time. I booked a gig that I would have put George through hell. I didn't even know where the gig was the week of. I had to take a plane to Newark and then rent the car and go two and a half hours into Pennsylvania.
- [60:00]
B
Oh, no.
- [60:01]
A
And do the same on Sunday morning for 800 hours. The plane's 350.
- [60:08]
B
The car is 150.
- [60:10]
A
I'm getting like 150 a show or something. 200 a show to prove a point that I'm a headliner in some town in Pittsburgh where ain't nobody going to see you. Some town in Pennsylvania where ain't nobody gonna see you. The Mormon and the town pastor gonna see you. Ain't nobody gonna see you, right? And the hotel's probably gonna smell funny, all that shit. You have to. And that's when she was right. Like I looked at her, I go, george, I'm not coming. George was like, really? I'm not coming. I'm not fucking getting off a plane, driving two hours. It's just. I'm killing myself to live. That's basically on top of each page of your schedule. But killing yourself to live.
- [60:52]
B
That describes my tour right now.
- [60:54]
A
Because what you're doing with comedy is the same thing we do here. It's the law of diminishing returns. So I do 30 days straight on the tour, but then I can't walk for a month and a half, right? Because you follow me. So these are the mistakes we make. As young comics, as young framers, as young plumbers, as young fucking construction workers. That's just a common mistake. We wanted to move that far along. But you're doing the. You know, it's like when somebody says to me, and companies still have a price leader. Correct? Everybody has a loss leader. A loss leader, price leader, whatever the fuck the word is.
- [61:36]
B
I'm Jewish. I know all the word.
- [61:37]
A
No. Loss is your number one word. Especially when it comes out of their pocket.
- [61:44]
B
Yeah, they still have them.
- [61:45]
A
You have these things that you sell to hook people to come in. And I appreciate that, okay? I appreciate the loss leaders or whatever, but what I'm trying to get those lofties. After a while, we become those. We become generic, right? And I don't want you to be generic.
- [62:03]
B
So you think I could already turn stuff down.
- [62:08]
A
I don't want you to go in with that attitude that you're turning stuff down, but I want you to go with the attitude. Listen, like 1512 years in, and if I'm lying to you, may fucking lightning strike. I had to draw a thing. I had to write out a thing. Before you take any gig, I want you to draw. I think it was nine things, okay? What's it gonna do for you? How much are you making? What type of booker? Just to slow you down. Why? Because we're fucking whores? You have the same problem, George. How many times you wore yourself out at the end of the job, you made what, $110 on a product you should have made 400 on, because you didn't know that they were going to put you through hell. Right. Oh, you got to come over and hang it. Then you get there, it's two beams to fucking nowhere, and you don't even have a helper. You know what I'm saying? Yep. We go over our head. And that's why those 12 things, those nine things I wrote, I'm going to find it. Let me see if I find it.
- [63:11]
B
I was going to say, I would love to know what it is.
- [63:12]
A
It's everything. Who else is on that schedule? Why would I want to go to that schedule if they got bums on there? And now my face. Now I'm in a post office. Instead of being by myself, I don't mind sucking by myself, but I want to suck with four other people that take me down that rabbit hole.
- [63:29]
B
Right. Just because you're associated with them. Yeah.
- [63:31]
A
You're on the schedule with them. That face is there. These guys are, you know, shooting pineapples or something in the air. They're getting standing ovations. I don't want to be with that mother. And. And the bottom one is, what is this going to do for you? At that time, I had the Comedy Store, right. So if you don't want to give me my spots, no worries. I got four spots. I got Willie, Barcelona, Give me a spot. I got Felipe, Give me a spot. I got head. Give me a spot. That's eight spots I didn't make. I didn't make the measly 450 they were going to pay me. And they even asked me if I. And then you have to get there on your own. That's 120 and fucking Uber. Yeah. All these things that are. We just spoke about the unmarked prices of comedy, the shit that you don't even add into the budget. And all of a sudden. And listen, till 2006, I was on a loser schedule, like on a loser pay plan for 16 years, 15 years, I was getting the money everybody else was getting. And the bottom line is, how do I switch that? How do I get 1650 with a plane ticket instead of 1500 with a $300 limit on a plane ticket. And sometimes you stay by it and you say, no, no, no, no. And then the thing opens up and there you are, what you wanted, because you did take a. It's like Trump's tariffs. Okay, okay. Those tariffs, they're saying right now, we're not going to see the results of them, but in two years. And it's the same thing, hopefully.
- [65:12]
B
Yeah.
- [65:12]
A
So I look at it like that. I look at it as. But there was gigs I was doing that I was doing for the number, and the number was down the corner at the store. I'm just trying to get 35 spots a month. So I would do it. I would be a loser to take it. Because when you go there, guess what? The show's running late. Cause the Lakers were playing. So now my spot at the Comedy Store is fucked up. And so is my spot at the Improv. It's fucked because I wanted to be a gavon and try to squeeze. You already got a spot the Improv in the fucking Comedy Store. What else do you want?
- [65:48]
B
All of them.
- [65:49]
A
Oh, let me go up to. And this gig was in, you know, up there. Like up to 170. No, no, out the 170.
- [65:56]
B
Okay.
- [65:57]
A
Which is completely different world. It's not the 101.
- [65:59]
B
No.
- [66:00]
A
That's why it splits. So that was. And this goes. Applies to anything in life. You know, it's like what I was getting to before. It's like the snow shoveler. It's like the guy that comes on your block and he gets me, you and George as customers, okay? And then he goes, you know what? I'm here already. Let me knock on these people's doors. And he'll take two jobs way before, way under than what we paid just to do that. And for two weeks. It's great for scheduling. Until one day he's backing out the snow truck and he runs over that statue. The dog.
- [66:45]
B
No, I was going to say the statue is the best thing you could run over to the kid, but it's
- [66:49]
A
a statue of the dog they loved, the one they brought back from Austria with them. Three, two. Right. So what was the sense of it?
- [66:58]
B
Right?
- [66:59]
A
And nobody knows that from the beginning. Nobody knows how to think that way. It's something that you learn and go, why am I doing that? We were talking about the other night. You already got a spot. Why are you running across town in a cab? You can't afford to do a guest spot in a club that is going to be 50. 50. I believe in taking chances. But that wasn't a chance I would have taken five years later. Right. I would have said, I'm here. I'm already in your neighborhood. You could tell already I wasn't headlining at the time. But I'm headlining. If I headline there, why can't I headline? You and go through it a different way.
- [67:36]
B
Right?
- [67:36]
A
That may happen, but I was aggressive in that sense. But when I was $80 light and two bombs later, how bad did I fucking feel, right? It's like going to a jet game with the jersey on, the helmet and the soup bowl ring and they get buried 44 to nothing. And now you got to run the train back with that helmet on, with
- [67:55]
B
the helmet with your face painted. That's exactly how you feel when you bomb after you ask for a spot.
- [68:00]
A
That's all I ask of anybody. And that's all I ask of myself is a fucking, you know. Yes, I take. I had to bring the garbage can back in. Okay? I was sitting and I'm like, I could just go out there and bring the garbage can. Hold on, let me take some garbage out, go get the garbage can, throw it in the garbage on the way back. I'll get the mail. And I'm. You know what I'm saying?
- [68:23]
B
Right?
- [68:23]
A
And that's how you have to look at stand up. Yeah, it's. Or any occupation you have. It's scheduling. It's your time.
- [68:32]
B
And this is a weird question for me to ask, but do you think it's almost better to do something that you don't love so that way you don't turn into a whore or you don't do stuff just because you love doing it? Like, we both are doing stuff that we love. But is it almost better to be like, eh, I'm good at it, but I don't like it?
- [68:49]
A
Well, I'll tell you what. Think of the confidence level that you'll get from being a whore to closing your legs.
- [68:56]
B
Oh, I can't wait.
- [68:57]
A
Okay, and here's the better thing. Once you stop being that whore and close your legs, what's going to happen? Why don't you want to give me pussy Lee?
- [69:07]
B
Right?
- [69:07]
A
Because it's that good. And you gotta pay for it. And you gotta pay for it. Here's a secret I won't tell you. I won't tell anybody. I love doing comedy, but as a business side for me now you'll never see me out on a Friday and Saturday. Cause you gotta pay me on those nights, right? Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, I'll take a short check. I'm happy to be out of the house. But Friday and Saturday, there's no coming to your show and waving. There's no coming down and doing a guess set because it lowers my price. Or at least that's in my head, right? You want me to go there Friday Night. That's. You got to raise that. You got to raise that just a little bit. Not much, I'm not greedy. But better yet, no, you have to raise that all the way because it's Friday night. Yeah, I could be doing something to make that full paycheck. You asked me to come down here for you and. And I don't even get involved in that no more because you, Aaron, Pedro, all you motherfuckers are getting to a level that if I walk in a room, it's gonna hurt you. I'm doing that because I wanna be Johnny Popular. Do I really need to go watch Lee? I've seen Lee puke. I don't need to go see Lee to do stand up. I've seen Lee fart and puke and the whole fucking thing. What am I going there for? Am I really going there to see Lee or am I going there? What's that? When you do something without knowing? Like, am I going there to shit on Lee so I could walk in the room and be a big shot? I'm taking the night away from Lee. It's not about me. It's about fucking Lee. Same thing what Pedro asked me two weeks ago, come up, roll up for you, I'll do anything, but again, I'd rather not. It's about you, brother. Right. Don't you hate when you work hard, hard, hard, and also somebody makes it about them, Boy, do I get pissed off. Oh, yeah, because you've worked on it. And there's always that one clown that wants to zip in and go, oh, my God, I'm here. And you're like, bitch, we the ones that did the legwork.
- [71:15]
B
Yeah.
- [71:15]
A
Now you want to walk in. It's like I told you years ago, people I hadn't spoken to in years would call me up and go, let me come by and do a guest vet. It don't work that way. Here's a business now. I'm not doing the 8 o' clock show at fucking Willie's Garage Comedy Club. We're in a fucking theater. I haven't seen you in 10 years. You haven't even kept in touch with me. And now you're calling me out of the blue to go in front of a sold out audience? I don't think it doesn't work that way. It doesn't work that way. You have more of a chance of me coming up to you and going, hey, bro, we doing Saturday night? Come on. Come do ten minutes. But I only got six. Who gives a fuck? Ten minutes. Come see what that feels like, yeah, I'm gonna pay you and I'm gonna lose a little money, but I'm gonna make that money back in three weeks because I just did something for somebody. I scared the shit out of that. People don't go to Great Adventure to stay dry, right? Oh, I'm saying they go to get wet like everything else in life. And I just gave him a chance at that. I didn't do it for anything. I did it just to see his face.
- [72:21]
B
Yeah. And you just said how I. Like, last week, I said I was very excited to be able to turn stuff down. Something else I'm, like, almost probably even more excited for is getting to repay, like, the favors that, like, you, Josh, Jessamy, all the people that take me out. Like, when I'm touring, I get to be like, hey, you want to come and do, like. Because I know how excited they'll be. I don't know who I'm going to ask yet, but I just, like, I'm excited to be able to. Hey, are you want to come do some shows with me? And, like, they'll be so happy because it's. I don't.
- [72:49]
A
What are you saying? You want me to come and open for you?
- [72:51]
B
If you. Why looks in no hotel. But there's.
- [72:53]
A
There's no hotel. You want me to come open for you? Where do you see me open for you? Listen, God forbid, in 20 years, I'm all, I can't make the rent, and Leah's take me on the road and take. Changed my diapers and shit.
- [73:11]
B
Oh, my God.
- [73:12]
A
Listen, man, I take that shit really seriously. I know what it takes a human being to be kind, and I know what it takes a human being to be kind and supportive and everything. On top of that, I know what that takes, especially in today's world. You're busy. People have a lot of things going on in your mind. You just look at them. Maybe they haven't paid the mortgage in three months. Maybe they're not eating. Maybe they got a disease that they don't want to tell anybody. When I started into comedy, I took the people not only who helped me in comedy, but who helped me in life that were there for me. And I went out of my way to tell them, hey, man, that time you did that, this is why I did this. So you could see that whatever love you put into me was not in vain. That time when I told you I needed 10 bucks to get them my gig, and you gave me those 10 bucks knowing I'm a junkie. Knowing I'm a junkie, but you believe me enough. I got to make you proud. Yeah. At one point. This is about you, not about me anymore. It's me doing something with you in my background. I'm thinking about the time Lee let me sleep his house for 30 days and let me fucking, you know, borrow his car to go do comedy sets. Yeah, that's very big. To me, that's bigger than an envelope. Just acknowledging that person and saying, hey, man, that time. Because most people forget they even did an act of trying this.
- [74:50]
B
Yeah, well, the nice people do. The people who hold it over your head.
- [74:53]
A
Right. The ones that hold over your head are an ass.
- [74:55]
B
But when he. And, like, that would be great, but. But honestly, at. At the level I'm at and maybe just getting out of. But even still, just like. Like a week or two ago, I went to the stand after we recorded, and Aaron Berg got me a spot on the. On Frantic. No, no, there's no money. I didn't ask for any, but there's no promise of getting passed there. But just. I'll never forget the first show I got offered. The guy who runs the fourth wall had a show in his apartment, and he asked me to do it. And the rug was crusty, there was fishing pole, but it was like, to me, I was playing Madison Square Garden. I was so excited. So just anytime I'm like, just so excited. Like, I guess it's selfish, but just to be able to offer people shows. I'm like, that's so, like, gonna be the most fun to be like. I get to like you, make someone that happy.
- [75:44]
A
I used to have a guy in Colorado, I would call him up and I go, hey, man, I need money for the rent. I gotta borrow money. He'd go, no, no, no, no. I got three gigs for you. Come to my show tonight. I'll give you money for the rent. Just do these three gigs, you know? I never forgot that motherfucker. I hit him up years later, and he's like, holy shit. Can't believe you hit me up. I'm like, bro, those shows used to give me and pay my rent. I'm grateful.
- [76:12]
B
Saved my life.
- [76:13]
A
Yeah, you saved my fucking life. You know, And I think that's the best feeling in the world when you repay somebody, not to let them know their love didn't go to waste. You know, it's like those people that come over and go, george, I want to get into framing. And you tell them everything they need to know. You give them the hand starter kit you tell them about their fingers. You tell them everything you can. You even spend a week with you watching them. And then one day they come to you and they go, I did this and this and this. What? I just spent a week with you. Plus every day on the phone talking about this. And you went and did the complete opposite. And it's failing. And then when it fails, then they call you. Hey, man, fuck you. You hang up on them. I told you the first time, you picked my brain for 10 hours. I opened up my heart to you. And then you called me and said, you're going to do it your way. Okay, do it your way. But don't ever fucking ring that number again telling me that didn't work out for you. Because I ain't got the time. I really don't. I got like, two of those people now that call me, Long day. And I'm like, why are you calling me with this shit? Because I know it's never going to go anywhere. This is the same conversation I've been getting for 20 years. You're never gonna go anywhere. You're just talking. That shit bothers me, man. Anymore. Just. It hurts my feelings. It hurts my feelings.
- [77:49]
B
Yeah.
- [77:49]
A
When I tell you I'm gonna do something, I do it, and that's it, we move the fuck on. But I'm not gonna call you and say, I need your help. You open your heart to me and then two weeks later, well, I think I'm gonna keep improvising on State. Okay. Keep doing what you're doing at 50%. That shit has always irritated me, that shit. Because, you know, I'm not giving you no advice from the book I read. I'm giving you the advice from something I lived. I lived through this. This is not something that I made up. I've lived through this. I saw the reaction when you were watching Color is the New Orange with your girlfriend. I was watching at the comedy club where it matters. Watching what life is going on. You know, comedy isn't about us being funny. That's half of it. You know what the other half of it is? It's us learning about ourselves. That's why a lot of people. People don't last in comedy because they don't get laughs. But people ask in comedy because they don't see. They don't want. They don't. They don't think they're ever going to see what they saw.
- [79:04]
B
What do you.
- [79:04]
A
I don't.
- [79:05]
B
What do you mean?
- [79:05]
A
Well, number one, it's hard work. But number two, I don't know how to explain this. When I joined Jiu Jitsu, I knew I was having a hard time breathing, so I did everything I could to adjust the breathing. When it didn't work, I actually went and got no surgery. They took all the old coke rocks
- [79:31]
B
out
- [79:34]
A
and all that stuff. Two months later, I realized that when I was on my back, I had anxiety. Six months later, I realized because I had an injury on my shoulder, I couldn't pass to my left side. I, I, then I realized I don't like when people's feet are in my face during a mount or something. Right. You learn all these things that you don't want to be in that position. You know what? I'm getting to you. I forgot how long ago the topic was, the subject was.
- [80:08]
B
But you said the reason why people don't last is because they, they don't.
- [80:12]
A
Because you get to see your weaknesses.
- [80:15]
B
Oh, okay.
- [80:15]
A
Yeah, okay. And that's what all stand up comedy really is. It's. Yes, it's making the consumer laugh, making him get out of his head, trying to trick him with comedy. That's all great, but the other part of that is learning about yourself and what you can and can't handle. It's like bombing four nights in a row, and one night you just go off on the audience. When you leave the ages, then go off. You malfunction, motherfucker, okay? You malfunction. Don't tell me that you're writing better material. We got to figure out why you malfunctioned. The material ain't gonna do nothing for you. I can have 20 people write for me why you malfunctioned.
- [80:58]
B
Do you think that works for everyone or it works.
- [81:01]
A
It's been working for 200 million fucking years. Okay? Why did this happen? Everybody writes it off. Most comics will say the audience was small, the sound level didn't sound good. It's every excuse in the world. Even if I know the sound wasn't good, you still malfunctioned because you didn't speak loud enough after you acknowledged it, Right? So for the next 20 minutes, you kept continuing speaking like a mouth. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, Right? So that's, you have to come to me and go, where was the malfunction today?
- [81:38]
B
It's hard to look at it.
- [81:40]
A
I get into an argument with George and I yell at George about something on the way home. I'm not mad at George. I'm mad at me because what drew me to this? What is really going on? What is really going on? Is George really standing in front of the door with his phone, knowing it's the busiest door in America, looking around the fucking room, you know? You understand me? So my first reaction is not, you know, that's why I don't have time to think about politics or I don't have time to think about, you know, oh, well, the bridge is broken. You know why? Because I'm still worrying about what made me go and put handcuffs on a guy and tried to rob him and try to figure out how my mind, I thought I was going to get away from it. It happened 50 years ago, but it can't happen again and it'll never happen again. And now I'll see the signs when I see you acting a little creepy or George acting a little creepy. Yeah, because I went through that. Most people don't know how to do that. How, How. How is that not going to fucking ever happen again? How is that never going to fucking. No, no, I'm not fucking around. How is this? When I got out of the hospital the first time, like the third time, I was pissed for a month because how do you get put into the hospital three times in three months? Something's going on. Something's not right. I know. They came back with a clean result. You're going to live. Something not right, right? Something put you in that hospital room three times. We got to get to the bottom of this shit, you know? And a lot of people don't want to do that. A lot of people. There's a lot of things that, in life that make you look at yourself a little deeper, to see what you're really made of. And when you realize that you're not made from that, I'll go play the piano. I'll go play tennis. I'll go fucking juggle balls at the circus. Because they don't want to deal with that. It wasn't the journey of getting funnier. It was the journey of them, how they could be that much fucking better. And that's where my journey went. When I beat myself up, I don't just beat myself up. I beat myself up. Some shit that you've never heard before. You fucking miserable spic, loser felon motherfucker. What the fuck is your fucking problem today? And that's what I don't think people do themselves. They don't call themselves out. They don't have a long conversation with themselves. This cannot happen again. I don't care if I'm 20 or if I'm fucking 60. This cannot happen again. And that's all comedy is is that inner journey. That inner journey that you're gonna learn something new every day, that you're gonna get on stage every day. That by you sitting here with me and going, look at George on stage. He really does suck. We're hurting ourselves. We're not hurting George. We're hurting ourselves by me going, no, George is getting a little better, man. It's gonna work out. Yeah. Yeah. He's going through some shit, but it's going to work out. That's going to empower me. When. When I'm sitting with you and I go, george is auditioning the Sopranos. I wish. He don't get it. No. From the same neighborhood. If he got it, that means I could get it.
- [84:56]
B
Yeah. You know, I was just thinking about this last night, and I. I joked about it on stage, but. Do you remember Renee Vaca?
- [85:03]
A
Yeah.
- [85:03]
B
He did a fucking arena this weekend, arena in Orange county with, like, a bunch of rappers. Like, a bunch of. And he was at the. Like, he was always ahead of me because he was before me, but he did a. He did a. Like, at the Toyota center or something.
- [85:17]
A
Yeah, he invited me.
- [85:18]
B
It's like. And it's. It's crazy. You can start in the same spot, but then, like, you look up and, like, what did he do over the last few years that I did? Like, how's. How's he in this space? And how do I.
- [85:30]
A
Again, me, the old me and the Jew. You.
- [85:34]
B
Yeah.
- [85:34]
A
We feel bad about ourselves.
- [85:36]
B
I did for a second.
- [85:37]
A
A second. Yeah. It's natural. Don't feel bad about yourself.
- [85:40]
B
No. Maybe you fucked up.
- [85:41]
A
You fucking fat spit. Okay. All those times. Yeah. Renee Vaca was drilling. It's like when Dom Ayrera came on the podcast and he said. He goes, I'm an old basketball player. If I'm not playing basketball at midnight, in my mind, he is.
- [86:04]
B
Mm.
- [86:05]
A
He's getting better. But I'm sitting. I got the balls to sit here and hang out with this girl or watch tv. No, I gotta go. I gotta go. I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know what you're talking about. And that's the difference. That's the difference that you have to assume that that guy's working. Yeah, everybody's working. Everybody's gonna get better. Everybody's gonna get better. If you take an hour off, that's gonna set you back a fucking year. That's what your mind is going through. And then people start hating you because you don't do anything.
- [86:42]
B
Right.
- [86:42]
A
Like, I'm not doing that tonight. Why? Because I got a spot. Yeah, but it's. Shut up. It's not a spot. It's a spot. It's like, it could be the Garden. If I want to be in the Garden, I have to treat this spot tonight at Joe's fucking Oil can like it is the Garden.
- [86:58]
B
Right.
- [86:59]
A
Because I didn't get stand up comedy, but one that I was doing open mike, had a fucking dump, and John Leguizamo walked in. And I remember him taking that stage like he was at the Garden. Everything was very serious. Meanwhile, all the other 20 idiots were bombing. Yeah. Because I got high yesterday. Yeah.
- [87:18]
B
What else do I want to talk about?
- [87:20]
A
Yeah. You know, he went up there like it was the fucking Garden. He went prepared notes. His hair was combed. You go to an open mic, half those people, they're homeless. Go get ready. Go take a shower.
- [87:33]
B
Yeah.
- [87:33]
A
You're showing up like a fucking. And then I don't get hired because you're 50 years old with a Mickey Mouse shirt on and a fucking beard with white hairs in it that you haven't trimmed since your mother fucking had you. Yep.
- [87:47]
B
And I'm. I'm not saying any names, and I'm sure he was a nice guy, but there was a comic in Worcester who would show up in a. In a bathrobe, but it wasn't. It wasn't even like a clean one, but, like, he would come in and there was another guy in a squirrel costume. There was a bunch of people that. It does. It makes a huge difference when you go.
- [88:08]
A
It cleans up a little bit. Yeah, a little bit. They paid 25 bucks for you. They paid 10 bucks for you. They paid 5 bucks for you. And you're going up there with oil Can Harry shirt on with a stain.
- [88:20]
B
Oh, yeah. Or it's wrinkled.
- [88:23]
A
Or you think that by not combing your hair makes you look cool. You actually put a stick of dynamite in your fucking hair. You're performing for people. You can't sell a $10,000 product with a $10 pair of shoes.
- [88:34]
B
You're really big on what people wear on stage. It's really fun.
- [88:37]
A
No, it's not that I don't care what you wear on stage, but Jesus Christ, you can't go up there looking like a bus driver and expect to get comedic laughs. Yeah, everything. You know, you're making a presentation here. They have. How many seconds do they decide that they judge you? 38 seconds or something like that?
- [88:56]
B
At most. Yeah.
- [88:57]
A
And you want to go up there with shorts on and with flip flops because you're cool and a drink in your hand. I never understood that. Right? I never understood that. Now some people say, george, Joey's got a stick up his ass. Well, if you want to do something, you have to put that stick up your ass at some point. Because if not, you're going to be like everybody else. And that's what you're trying not to be.
- [89:24]
B
Yeah, that's. And it's hard because you see it working for other people. So you want to like, oh, maybe I should try it. But yeah, it's.
- [89:30]
A
Listen, man. What works for them is running up and down a restaurant or deli. I give them power. For me, it's just whispering in front of a camera. Not for me, Joey, but for you, it might be you in front of a synagogue, right? You never make videos by a synagogue. See, that's what I'm saying.
- [89:48]
B
It's tough to be a Jew these days.
- [89:49]
A
No, it's not tough to be a Jew.
- [89:50]
B
Oh, they don't like us now.
- [89:52]
A
Yeah, but you're a Jew at a temple. They're not going to say, just go in there like you're going to pray and start shooting videos.
- [89:58]
B
You did shoot the. The album cover in a church. Maybe I should start going to temples.
- [90:03]
A
They love it. Jesus Life's appearances. Oh. So where you at this week?
- [90:08]
B
This week? Tonight, I'm at the Mill in Bitterford, Maine. It's a. What's it called? Someone. Someone had a heart of. The comic had a heart attack. I'm already up in Maine, so I'm gonna headline a show. And then next Friday and Saturday, I'm in Greenville, South Carolina, with Jess Maplaloozo.
- [90:26]
A
Look at you.
- [90:27]
B
Oh, yeah. Next Friday and Saturday, you will be 24th and 25th.
- [90:30]
A
Worry about the 24th and 24th. We're worried about the 18th and the 19th.
- [90:33]
B
The 18th. I'm with you in Nashville.
- [90:36]
A
All right, Just check it.
- [90:38]
B
Very excited.
- [90:38]
A
Motherfucker. I will be at the Brooklyn Improv Wednesday. It's sold out. It's a small room. And then Saturday is my last fucking show of the year. No, until the leg gets fixed. And it's breaking my heart already in one way. I'm like, I'm happy to have the surgery, but I don't want to take the time off now. So I live in fucking hell. But my knee will be better. I'll be more mobile on stage.
- [91:02]
B
No tap dance in Atlantic City then.
- [91:04]
A
I should be back by June doing spots.
- [91:08]
B
Nice.
- [91:09]
A
That's how I look at it. Don't forget Queen Cola on 420. We'll probably. We'll see. We'll be back in 421. The Rock. Your world. But that's it. That's all I got.
- [91:20]
B
I love you.
- [91:21]
A
I love you too, brother. Have a great week. You people at home, have a great week. Watch that monkey. And don't forget who loves you? Uncle Joey does.