The Karol Markowicz Show: Dave Barry on Humor, Life Lessons, and Finding Joy in Florida

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Karol Markowicz Show — Dave Barry on Humor, Life Lessons, and Finding Joy in Florida

Podcast: The Clay Travis and Buck Sexton Show presents
Episode: The Karol Markowicz Show: Dave Barry on Humor, Life Lessons, and Finding Joy in Florida
Host: Carol Markowitz
Guest: Dave Barry
Date: September 24, 2025

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Overview

Carol Markowitz sits down with iconic humor writer Dave Barry for an in-depth, hilarious, and ultimately uplifting discussion centered on Barry’s love for Florida, the evolution and craft of humor writing, life lessons gleaned over his decades-long career, and advice for living joyfully and meaningfully in uncertain times.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Why Dave Barry Loves Florida

[03:45 - 07:31]

• Dave Barry discusses moving from bucolic Glen Mills, Pennsylvania, to wild, unpredictable Miami during the “cocaine cowboy era.”
• Miami as a world apart from the rest of America, with stories that sound like movie scripts (e.g., bales of cocaine falling from the sky).
• The diversity of Florida: Every region is wildly different, from Key West to Naples to Gainesville.
• Barry values the lack of a state income tax, the weather (“except for now when I hate it”), and the “anything can happen” quality of Florida life.

Notable Quote:

"If you were to write a movie and you have a scene where a Citizens Crime Watch meeting is interrupted by falling cocaine, all the people say no. That’s too on the nose. That would never happen. But it did."
— Dave Barry [05:38]

• Discussion around Florida pride and the transformation of how residents see themselves over time.
• Barry jokes that “We have no state pride,” while Markowitz counters with the new wave of pride among transplants.

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2. Becoming a Humor Writer and the State of Humor Writing

[09:30 - 13:13]

• Barry’s childhood love for writing and humorists like Robert Benchley and Mad Magazine, but saw no clear career path early on.
• Worked in newspapers—eventually osmosing into humor writing. The era of syndicated humor columns gave him his shot.
• Both note that mainstream columns—once peppered with humor—have grown less funny in recent years.

Notable Quote:

"The scary part about humor writing is it’s the only kind of writing where you tell the reader, 'This is what I am expecting you to get from this.' ... And if you’re not funny, anybody in the world has the right to go, 'that’s not funny, you suck.'”
— Dave Barry [12:02]

• Barry attributes some of the change to cultural polarization and fear of offending or “not looking cool.”

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3. The Business of Writing, Public Speaking, and Taking Risks

[13:19 - 16:21]

• Before humor writing paid the bills, Barry taught business writing seminars to engineers and accountants; he kept audiences engaged by making jokes.
• Tips for public speakers: Don’t be boring—inject humor, and always avoid cliché opening jokes like "We can do better than that!"
• Never go over five minutes, if possible.

Notable Exchange:

Carol Markowitz: “People want to book you for, like, an hour and a half speech. And I literally cannot.”
— [16:21]

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4. Life Lessons and Facing Worries

[21:49 - 27:14]

• Barry on being 78: Reflections on decades of doomsaying (nuclear war drills, 60s unrest, economic fears) that generally did not come to pass.
• Urges people not to be paralyzed by existential fear and to live life, have kids, and see that “it’s going to be okay.”

Notable Quote:

"My entire life, starting with early childhood... there’s always been something that was gonna...the communists were going to take over...Global heating, global cooling, Nazis...It’s always, always been something and it never happens."
— Dave Barry [23:22]

• Carol and Dave agree the one issue of genuine concern is government spending, but feel most people today are numb to it.

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5. Looking Back: Advice for his Younger Self

[27:52 - 29:50]

• To his 16-year-old self: Be less of a wise-ass; wish he’d been kinder, though his sarcasm formed his career.
• On childhood and humor as a defense: Being voted class clown for survival.

Notable Quote:

“Does everybody do this in high school when you’re just feral? ... I was really good at insulting people, putting people down... I want to go back to some people and just say I’m sorry—even though you were an asshole.”
— Dave Barry [28:18]

• Humor as an attractive quality: Barry jokes about how little it helped with girls in high school, even if “women say they love a sense of humor.”

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6. Dave Barry’s Tips for a Better Life

[30:25 - 31:53]

1. Don’t Confuse the Internet with Real Life:
   • "Pay much more attention to your real life, your family...Just don’t get out of that."
     — Dave Barry [30:39]
2. You Don’t Need to Refrigerate Ketchup or Mustard:
   • “Walk into any restaurant in America. Where is the ketchup and where is the mustard?...It sits out on the table day after day, week after week. No, it’s fine.”
     — Dave Barry [31:10]

• Barry is comically adamant about his condiment position, and Markowitz teases him about the “controversial” nature of the advice.

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Memorable Moments

• On Florida’s Uniqueness: "It’s entertaining. It’s like anything can happen here does happen here."
  — Dave Barry [06:58]
• On Public Speaking: "Just don’t do what everyone else is doing. Do not be the most boring human being on the face of the earth..."
  — Dave Barry [14:44]
• On Existential Worry: "Things, bad things do happen, but things generally work out."
  — Dave Barry [24:58]

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Important Timestamps

• [03:43] — Dave Barry on his move to Miami
• [07:32] — Defining Florida’s spirit and identity
• [09:30] — Barry’s journey to humor writing
• [12:02] — The risks of humor writing today
• [14:44] — Advice for public speaking & common mistakes
• [21:49] — Karol's "three questions" segment; Barry on what he worries about (government spending)
• [24:58] — On living through tough decades and why people shouldn’t give up on optimism
• [27:52] — Advice to his younger self; on growing up funny as a defense mechanism
• [30:37] — Dave Barry’s top two life improvement tips

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Tone and Style

The conversation is highly conversational, witty, lighthearted, and shot through with classic Dave Barry dry humor—balanced by honest, reflective insights into resilience, the writing life, and the value of not taking things too seriously.

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Closing Thoughts

This episode is a gem for fans of humor (and Dave Barry), those intrigued by the quirks of Florida, and anyone seeking permission to laugh in uncertain times. Beyond the anecdotes and laughs, Barry’s parting wisdom—focus on real life, keep perspective, and don’t sweat the small stuff (like condiment storage)—offers both levity and genuine guidance.

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Transcript

[Carol Markowitz]

This is an iHeart podcast.

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[Carol Markowitz]

Hi, and welcome back to the Carol Markowitz show on iheartradio. My guest today is Dave Barry. Dave is a humor writer who has written many books, including the novel Swamp Story, which I read while giggling my face off on trains and airplanes. His substack is called Dave Barry's Substack. You should definitely check it out. Subscribe. So nice to have you on Dave.

[Dave Barry]

Thanks, Carol. Thanks for having me.

[Carol Markowitz]

I'm a really big fan of yours and I've read a lot of your books and just a lot of your work over the years. I think you are hilarious and I have to say that the one book I haven't read is Best State. A Florida Man Defends his Homeland. I'm a relatively new Floridian. It'll be four years in January. Why do you love Florida? What is it about this great state?

[Dave Barry]

Well, first of all, I'm a humor writer and I, I, I moved here like 40, almost 40, 39 years ago. I moved. My joke is I moved to Miami from the United states in, in 1986. And originally I was terrified about it. When I first came to Miami, I worked for the Miami Herald for many years.

[Carol Markowitz]

Where did you move from?

[Dave Barry]

From Glen Mills, Pennsylvania. Old bucolic suburban of Philadelphia. And it just couldn't have been more rural and, you know, low key. And I got offered this job at the Miami Herald and they flew me down. And like this was at the height of the cocaine cowboy era. There are some literally bales of cocaine falling out of the sky.

[Carol Markowitz]

You know, it's like, did you grab any or.

[Dave Barry]

No, I was never in the right place at the right time. But actually that was one of the first columns I wrote when I got here, which was that literally did happen. There was a, and it was a Citizens Crime Watch meeting in a place called Homestead, Florida.

[Carol Markowitz]

Oh, I know Homestead. Yeah.

[Dave Barry]

Yeah. Okay.

[Carol Markowitz]

Shot guns in Homestead.

[Dave Barry]

Well, that's a thing you can do there, right? And so this guy, Kurt Ivey was the chief of police there and he was talking in this backyard at this nice little Development about how the Citizens Crime Watch is supposed to work. And then there's this noise overhead. It was like a. It was a plane coming over in the Bahamas with smugglers in it, and a custom service jet was trying to force them down. So these guys are flinging these bales of cocaine out, and one of them lands almost in. You know, like I later said, I wrote a comment about this. If you were to write a movie and you have a scene where a Citizens Crime Watch meeting is interrupted by falling cocaine, all the people say no.

[Carol Markowitz]

Puts you on the nose. Right?

[Dave Barry]

Exactly. That would never happen. But it did. It happened. So, anyway, so that was what was going on in Miami when I first got down here. And my initial feeling was, okay, I'll work for the Miami Herald, but I'm never going to move here. And they said, okay. So for a little while, I lived in Glen Mills, Pennsylvania, and I was the humor columnist for the Miami Herald. But I would come down every now and then to Miami. And first of all, I got to know people. I got to see the city. A little different parts of the city where you could actually live without getting shot. And I just came to kind of like it. And. And so after a few years, I moved here to Florida. And at the time, everybody said I was insane. Now, people don't say that, but they did then. And, you know, I've been through here, through hurricanes and everything. I love Florida now, and partly for, you know, the reasons everybody says. I like that there's no income tax. I like that a lot. Everyone likes that. I like the weather, except for now when I hate it, but I'm used to it, and I'd rather have this than cold. But mostly I kind of like that. It's entertaining. It's like anything can happen here does happen here. It's a lot of really different places. Key west is not anything like Miami, which is not anything like Fort Lauderdale, which is not anything like Orlando, which is not anything like Naples, which is not anything like Gainesville. It's all these different places.

[Carol Markowitz]

Yeah.

[Dave Barry]

And it's kind of crazy, but. But I like it a lot. And if I say. If you're a humor writer, it's. There's.

[Carol Markowitz]

There's a lot that's funny here.

[Dave Barry]

There's a lot of material. It just keeps happening down here.

[Carol Markowitz]

Right. It's funny that you refer to moving to Miami from America, because also, people in Miami don't consider themselves, like, part of Florida. Like, you'll say, oh, I'm from Miami, instead of. I'm From Florida because it's. It's its own kind of entity.

[Dave Barry]

Do you find that my. My joke for a long time? Yeah. And that's kind of true of the whole state, though. You're absolutely right. Miami feels people in Miami. They're Miami people, but whatever. But, like, one of the things I love about Florida, one of the many, is we have no state pride. You know, like, people from Texas are all like, yeah, Texas. Don't mess with Texas. Florida is like, people say. Yep. Well, that state is crazy. Yeah. Yes, it is. It's green.

[Carol Markowitz]

No, I think we do have state pride now. I don't know. Maybe again, I'm new. Well, you willing to believe, you know. Yes. Converts are always the most.

[Dave Barry]

Yeah, you have to, you know, you have to be proud of your.

[Carol Markowitz]

Like, everybody around me. Like my neighbor who moved here after I moved here wears a little Florida chain around his neck, you know, has the outline of the state. And so many people wear the Florida flag hats and have the sticker on their trucks and.

[Dave Barry]

Yeah. And I mean, to the extent that I feel it, it's like all the states that make fun of us are the states where the people that are moving to the most.

[Carol Markowitz]

Yeah.

[Dave Barry]

Yeah. You know, I don't. I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna be too upset if somebody from Illinois says something bad about Florida or. Or New York or California. But. But. But by. I guess my point was, like, we generally don't all. We don't all, like, have. There's nothing we all have in common, really, other than we really don't like income tax. And we do, like, whenever it's really horrible in.

[Carol Markowitz]

Elsewhere.

[Dave Barry]

Yeah. In Boston, we just love to let those people know how nice it is. Yeah. We're in our shorts down here. So we all agree on that. And that's good enough.

[Carol Markowitz]

Yeah. That's about it for now. So how did you become a humor writer? Did you just realize you were really funny early on and that you had a writing skill? Because it is two different things.

[Dave Barry]

It very. It's two very different things. And I mean it. I always like to write. I was a, you know, an English major in college. I was the kid who was the good writer in the. In high school in English class and everything. And I always loved humor. I mean, I was obsessed with. My idol when I was a kid was Robert Benchley, who's this essayist nobody list reads anymore, but I loved him. I love PG Woodhouse. I love Mad magazine. I love humor.

[Carol Markowitz]

I love Mad. Yeah.

[Dave Barry]

Yeah. Yeah. So I was just a big fan of humor, and I love to write, but I never thought that I could make a living doing it. That didn't occur to me. There's like, no obvious path to that. So when I got out of college, I went to work for a newspaper, because at least that was writing, and I liked it. And I thought, I'll be a newspaper person for the rest of my life. And it's sort of like I crept in to my professional life. I was able to occasionally write a humor piece. They were reasonably well received. And then it just got more and more. And then, like, I was in my 30s, really, before I could possibly make a living doing it. So it was something I always would have. Like, if you asked me when I'm 16, what would you want to do? Make stuff up, make people laugh. That would be what I want to do. But I. I saw no career path that way. And I didn't think.

[Carol Markowitz]

You don't. You don't even tell your parents, like, I want to.

[Dave Barry]

They just didn't think it was even possible. So it just kind of happened organically. I was very lucky that it was a time when newspapers printed syndicated columns. They don't really do that much anymore. Like, Art Buchwald was huge. Irma Bombeck was huge. So there was sort of. That. That market existed. But it just could have happened to me more than I made it happen.

[Carol Markowitz]

Yeah. You know, I used to, like, even 20 years ago, a lot of writing was very funny, even if it wasn't specifically humor writing. Like, somebody would write a column about, you know, something serious, but would include funny lines. I definitely try to do that in my work because of. That's. That's where, you know, I first wanted to be a writer, reading stuff like that. But I feel like it's gotten. Everybody's gotten less funnier. Is that. Do you notice that, or is that just me? I just think nobody includes humor in kind of more serious pieces anymore.

[Dave Barry]

In serious. Yeah, I would say it is true. It's. It's not true online. It's not true on Twitter or subscribe.

[Carol Markowitz]

We're all still hilarious on Twitter. Yeah.

[Dave Barry]

But, yeah, I think you are right that in terms of essays that people. In serious publications, it's less likely that people will just go for it. And I think there's a couple reasons for that. One is just the general bifurcation of our culture where you're on one team or you're the team, and God forbid you should make. To make fun of the wrong team or, you know, or, you know, offend anybody. So that there's that and then there's just this sort of, I think fear these days of not looking cool. Because if you, I always say this. If you. The, the scary part about human writing is it's like the only kind of writing where you tell the reader. This is what I'm expecting you to get from this. Like, if I write, if I'm a like, you know, serious columnist, I can write about anything and it can be horribly wrong or boring or whatever, but nobody's going to think I didn't do what I was supposed to do and I expressed my opinion. But if I tell you I'm a humorist and then you're not funny, anybody in the world can, any, anybody has the right to go, that's not funny. I didn't think that was funny. You suck, you know, so you, you're dealing with that, like, fear of not being cool. Now me, I don't have that fear.

[Carol Markowitz]

So because I'm too old, I also not.

[Dave Barry]

Yeah, it's good, it's a good quality to have. If you're going to do what, what you do and what I do, you kind of have to have that quality.

[Carol Markowitz]

So what if humor writing hadn't worked out? Did you have a plan B underwear model?

[Dave Barry]

Yeah.

[Carol Markowitz]

Yeah.

[Dave Barry]

I mean, you can't tell. I can tell the whole. Pat. Yeah. No, no. You know, I would have just continued to be like what I was actually doing when I, when my humor writing career really took off. I was teaching effective writing seminars to business people. I had left the news, the newspaper business altogether and for complicated reasons, mainly I went to the Associated Press and I just hated it so much that I had to leave just because it was such boring writing.

[Carol Markowitz]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dave Barry]

So this, this friend of mine, his dad had this consulting company, little tiny consulting company. I go around to companies all around the country. Bunch of engineers or chemists or accountants or computer programmers. And I was, I, I would teach this week long seminar on how to write better, you know, and that's what I was doing. And it was the opposite of being a humor.

[Carol Markowitz]

Except that I was standing up funny about that.

[Dave Barry]

No, well, except that I did learn. I, I had to keep their attention for a week and they all hated it. Nobody wanted to be there.

[Carol Markowitz]

Yeah.

[Dave Barry]

So I made a lot of jokes. And so that was, I had that going for me.

[Carol Markowitz]

Do you teach them to make jokes? That's another thing. I think like you, they could be if you, if you're even slightly funny when you're giving a serious speech. Everybody loves it. It's like, the best thing they've ever heard.

[Dave Barry]

I have. This has been my argument forever about public speaking. I said, you don't have to do much at all. Just don't do what everyone else is doing. Do not be the most boring human being on the face of the earth, which seems to be the goal of most people. Get up and speak. You're right. Anything you give them, any bone, you throw them. Except the one. And I'm just going to say this now, and I'm on a lifelong crusade about this. There's a joke that every speaker that I hate makes. If you make this joke, I will hate you for no matter what else you do.

[Carol Markowitz]

Dave Barry. Hate. Let's hear it.

[Dave Barry]

If you start by saying good morning, and everybody goes, morning. And you go, oh, we can do better than that.

[Carol Markowitz]

No, that is the worst.

[Dave Barry]

If you do that, I hate you.

[Carol Markowitz]

Yeah. Don't make me talk louder.

[Dave Barry]

Don't make me. We did our part. We said good morning back. You know, what more do you want? We don't owe you this yet. In the morning anyway, so. And that's not even a joke. But that's like. That's the right.

[Carol Markowitz]

That person's trying and failing to be funny in, like, the worst way possible. I hear you.

[Dave Barry]

Many people do. Many people fail.

[Carol Markowitz]

Yeah.

[Dave Barry]

So that's why they don't try.

[Carol Markowitz]

I'm okay with people taking chances. That's just corny. Like, take your own chance. Say something unexpected and funny, and if it fails, it fails, and that's fine. But don't be like everyone else. I think that's. That's a real good tip from you.

[Dave Barry]

Also, don't. Don't talk for more than five minutes. Yeah. Pretty much about anything. It's. People always. Everybody talks too long. Nobody ever. Nobody ever says at the end of a speech. I wish that had gone on longer. Almost. Almost nobody ever says that.

[Carol Markowitz]

I will say, like, you know, I'm. I give speeches and stuff. People want to book you for. Like, people will sometimes be like, can you give an hour and a half speech? And I literally cannot so, like, capable 40 minutes tops is what I do.

[Dave Barry]

What you do. And. And yeah. And the other thing I have to deal with is, like, they. They will always do a Q and A. And I always go, look, I'm not gonna say one useful thing. I'm not gonna impart any information. People will actually come out.

[Carol Markowitz]

I love Q and as.

[Dave Barry]

Yeah, people are gonna, like, Right? But. But that's cause you have something to say. I always say I have nothing to say. People are gonna come out of this stupider than they went in. Don't. Don't ask me.

[Carol Markowitz]

They're not really gonna ask you anything. It's gonna be like, this is more of a comment than a question. And, you know, it's just gonna fill it. The time.

[Dave Barry]

Yeah.

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[Dave Barry]

Hey, what's up?

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[Carol Markowitz]

Switching gears is more serious. But what do you worry about?

[Dave Barry]

Is this one of the three questions? It is to ask everybody three questions. You snuck it in, you didn't sneak it in.

[Carol Markowitz]

Right. You don't see it coming? It just, just one of the things I ask. Yeah.

[Dave Barry]

Okay, well, I, I, I wrote a, a book, a memoir. My most, most recent book, probably my last book. And it, and, but anyway, I end the book. It's like it's, it's meant to be a funny book, but it's, it has probably more serious content than most books that I write because, like, part of it, I had to tell the truth, which I don't like to do. But I have To. But anyway, at the end of the book, I do talk about actual things I have learned things I. And the. I am answering your question. I know it doesn't seem like, take.

[Carol Markowitz]

The long way around.

[Dave Barry]

I'm getting there. I'm getting there.

[Carol Markowitz]

Yeah.

[Dave Barry]

But I, I, the end of the book, the, the lesson that I say, the most important lesson I think that I would impart, that I would say to people if I, you know, at risk of sounding like an old guy pretending to be wise, is, it's going to be okay that, you know, and what I, I talk about all the times, like, I'm 78 years old from my early childhood when we were going to have a new.

[Carol Markowitz]

You say you're 78 years old?

[Dave Barry]

Yeah, I'm.

[Carol Markowitz]

No, you're not.

[Dave Barry]

Yeah, I am.

[Carol Markowitz]

Stop it.

[Dave Barry]

No, I am. Really am.

[Carol Markowitz]

Are you kidding me? I mean, you look super, super young for 78.

[Dave Barry]

Well, I'm not super young. I'm 78.

[Carol Markowitz]

Yeah.

[Dave Barry]

So anyway, I started.

[Carol Markowitz]

I'm going to need your skincare regime after this.

[Dave Barry]

Oh, I thought you were going to ask my driver's license.

[Carol Markowitz]

I believe you. It's just crazy. Wow.

[Dave Barry]

My entire life, starting with early childhood, you know, I actually did literally go under the desk to, you know, because the nuclear war might come. I mean, they had us do that. We did it. You know, we. And then, from, from then on, there's always been something that was gonna, you know, the communists were going to take over.

[Carol Markowitz]

Sure. Yeah.

[Dave Barry]

Global heating, global cooling. You know, the communist gonna take over the government. Nazis have taken over the government. It's always, always been something and it never happens, you know, like. And, and yet I know a lot of people who think it's happening right now. They think it's happening and they, but they're the same people who thought it was happening before. It just. And it never actually. The thing that you're worrying about so much never happens. Which isn't to say nothing bad will happen to you. And it's not to say that bad things on a major level, a micro level don't sometimes happen. They do, but in the end.

[Carol Markowitz]

Yeah.

[Dave Barry]

If things work out pretty well for most people. And that's a pretty good assumption you can make. And you know why? That's why you should have kids when you grow up, you know, and not.

[Carol Markowitz]

Say, I can't have kids because the world's so bad.

[Dave Barry]

The world's so bad, you know?

[Carol Markowitz]

Yeah.

[Dave Barry]

And I always want to say, like, you were not around in the 60s when there were snipers on the Roofs and the cities were burning down. And there was a war going on. It was murdered and the president was shot, and then the people running for president got shot. It was pretty shitty, right?

[Carol Markowitz]

And people still had kids.

[Dave Barry]

Yeah. And we got through it, you know, and that was worse than now. And then in our generation, that was nothing compared. My parents generated, you know.

[Carol Markowitz]

Yeah.

[Dave Barry]

All of the 60s didn't even begin to add up to one year in the 40s when, you know, people were dealing with depression and world war. So things, bad things do happen, but things generally work out. So I'm trying to answer your question. What do I worry about? And I really. My honest answer is I don't worry about that much. If I have to pick one issue, Y thing to say that I do worry about now, it's the fact that the federal government cannot seem to control its spending. Oh, yeah, that's the thing. I think I'm not smart enough to really understand all the reasons I should be terrified about that. But people who seem. People who see it, people who seem really smart do worry about that. And I have kids and grandkids, and I do worry about that. I mean, my joke has always been, oh, well, I'm gonna be dead.

[Carol Markowitz]

Not my problem. No, I worry about that, too. I just feel like I've said this on previous shows, but I feel like we've lost that argument. It's just like nobody. You can't get anybody to care about that anymore.

[Dave Barry]

So, no, we just had this giant. I write this year in review every year.

[Carol Markowitz]

I love your year end review. It's my favorite thing. I read it every single year.

[Dave Barry]

Thank you. It's. What a pain in the ass to write that as. But it's just, it's. I've made the same joke year after year. I'm going to make it again this year. Like, they have this huge budget battle, but, you know, between the Republicans and the Democrats, budget battle. It's huge. It's, you know, and one side wants to spend way more money than we have, and the other side wants to spend way more money. And then they finally reach a compromise and we're spending way more money, and then we move on. You know, I think, well, that doesn't seem right. Wouldn't there. Shouldn't there be one side that doesn't want it?

[Carol Markowitz]

You would think, right? I thought that that was the Republican side.

[Dave Barry]

It used to be.

[Carol Markowitz]

Yeah. And then Elon Musk, like, went into the government. It was like, oh, I'm sad. They don't really care about this yeah, yeah.

[Dave Barry]

So, like, I do worry that nobody worries about it except really, really smart people. And they seem to say, well, we're, we're screwed. You know, but anyway, we'll be dead.

[Carol Markowitz]

Whatever.

[Dave Barry]

We'll be dead.

[Carol Markowitz]

It's fine.

[Dave Barry]

Yeah, I'll be, I'll be way dead. I'm 78 already.

[Carol Markowitz]

I'll be a little you. Hopefully dead. You know, something to shoot for, somebody else's problem, you know, no reason.

[Dave Barry]

No, I meant death. You could.

[Carol Markowitz]

I'm Russian. You can't scare me with death. My kids are always like, can you not talk about your death so much?

[Dave Barry]

But I've been to Russia, I want you to know.

[Carol Markowitz]

Wow.

[Dave Barry]

I. Yeah, I had a. I went there for our State Department.

[Carol Markowitz]

Really?

[Dave Barry]

Yeah.

[Carol Markowitz]

They sent you over to make things.

[Dave Barry]

Better, to improve relationships. What a mistake that was. But anyway, they don't do that.

[Carol Markowitz]

Amazing.

[Dave Barry]

I think, I think I was the last one they sent.

[Carol Markowitz]

That wouldn't be a bad idea though, sending funny people over to Russia to improve relations.

[Dave Barry]

They got the jokes, the audiences did. Anyway.

[Carol Markowitz]

Yeah, they're funny people.

[Dave Barry]

They are. They're pretty funny. I thought so too.

[Carol Markowitz]

You have to, you have to have humor.

[Dave Barry]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Carol Markowitz]

Through that history. So looking back on your life, what advice would you give your 16 year old self? Like, what does 16 year old Dave need to know?

[Dave Barry]

Well, I was gonna say, you know, don't, don't be such a wise ass. Because I really was. I was an insufferable, but in a way that would have. I would have had no career.

[Carol Markowitz]

So, you know, maybe still stay a wise ass.

[Dave Barry]

I think I would have said, like, you can continue to be a wise ass, but you should not, you should be nicer. I don't think I was a very nice. You know, I think back to like, does, does everybody do this in like in high school when it's. You're just feral. And, and yes, I was really good at insulting people, putting people down. I was good at that. I was. And, and I kind of feel. I want to go back to some, some of the people and just say I'm sorry, even though you were an asshole.

[Carol Markowitz]

Right. I'm sure they were mean too. That's the thing. You get very good at insulting people because you are being insulted, probably.

[Dave Barry]

I was. Yeah.

[Carol Markowitz]

Because it's a response.

[Dave Barry]

It was a defensive defense only weapon I had. I was a small, hairless young man and I was like. I wasn't good at sports, girls didn't like me. I was in, you know, I, I was class clown. I was Literally elected class clown. So.

[Carol Markowitz]

So you had. You had the words to. To make them think twice about messing with you.

[Dave Barry]

I did. But, you know, like, I've read a million times in magazine articles when they used to have magazines, and I still read it online that one of the things women most prize in a man is a sense of humor.

[Carol Markowitz]

Definitely.

[Dave Barry]

What a lie. You lied.

[Carol Markowitz]

That's so true. What do you.

[Dave Barry]

Well, I had. You lied.

[Carol Markowitz]

If a man can't be funny, if I can't laugh, it's.

[Dave Barry]

Carol, where were you when I was in high school? Well, you were not born. You were not born yet. But they're like. They say that. But when I was in high school, I had a sense of humor. Didn't do me any.

[Carol Markowitz]

The girls didn't care.

[Dave Barry]

Nah.

[Carol Markowitz]

And what about when you got older?

[Dave Barry]

No, it worked out better when I got older.

[Carol Markowitz]

I think maybe high school isn't the greatest example, but now I'm a happily.

[Dave Barry]

Married grandfather, though it doesn't do me. It doesn't make any.

[Carol Markowitz]

It doesn't help anymore. I don't know. My husband, definitely I.

[Dave Barry]

My funny guy.

[Carol Markowitz]

Attraction to him was. He's hilarious. He's really funny. Makes me, like, crack up and that. I think that's the most important thing in a relationship.

[Dave Barry]

Okay.

[Carol Markowitz]

Yeah. I mean, mostly. Right?

[Dave Barry]

Well, yeah, one of the. One of the things.

[Carol Markowitz]

One of the things, definitely. Well, I've loved this conversation. I'm not exaggerating when I say this is one of the. My favorite interviews I've ever done.

[Dave Barry]

Oh, well, thank you.

[Carol Markowitz]

Yeah, this has been great. I could talk to you. I think we're already over the time, and I could just keep going. But leave us here with your best tip for my listeners on how they can improve their lives.

[Dave Barry]

I have two. Okay.

[Carol Markowitz]

All right.

[Dave Barry]

The first one is. And this is like, old wisdom that you probably have imparted yourself many times. It was like, just don't confuse anything you see on the Internet ever. With real life. Pay much more attention to your real life, your family, you know, definitely. Just don't.

[Carol Markowitz]

Yeah.

[Dave Barry]

Get out of that. And the other is. You don't need to refrigerate ketchup or mustard.

[Carol Markowitz]

What? Of course you do.

[Dave Barry]

No, you don't walk into any restaurant in America. Where is the ketchup and where is the mustard?

[Carol Markowitz]

But, like.

[Dave Barry]

Shut up, Carol. Just listen. Listen to me.

[Carol Markowitz]

I hope they put it in a fridge at the end of the night.

[Dave Barry]

No, they do not. It sits out on the table day after day, week after week. No, it's fine. You don't need to. You're putting cold condiments on your hot dogs and hamburgers. No reason.

[Carol Markowitz]

Cold ketchup tastes so much better than warm ketchup.

[Dave Barry]

That must be a Russian thing, is it?

[Carol Markowitz]

I'm gonna.

[Dave Barry]

No, they don't even have refriger. They don't even have refrigeration. Now if the listeners think about it, and I know they will, they'll come to the right conclusion.

[Carol Markowitz]

I don't think so. I think we're. Okay, I'm gonna. We're gonna find out.

[Dave Barry]

Of those two pieces of advice, the first one's probably more.

[Carol Markowitz]

Maybe the more important one, but the second one is more controversial.

[Dave Barry]

It is. Yeah, it is. But I'll go to the grave with that.

[Carol Markowitz]

Thank you so much, Dave. He is Dave Barry. Check out his substack. You are just fantastic. Read all of his books. Every one of them is so funny.

[Dave Barry]

Or just buy them. You don't need to read them.

[Carol Markowitz]

No, buy them and read them.

[Dave Barry]

Okay. Or send me money in a box. Either one.

[Carol Markowitz]

Thank you, Dave. Thanks for being here.

[Dave Barry]

My pleasure. Thank you.

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[Dave Barry]

Hey, what's up?

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[Carol Markowitz]

Ah, come on.

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[Carol Markowitz]

This thing is ancient.

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[Carol Markowitz]

Whoa.

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This thing moves.

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[Dave Barry]

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