12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read

Summary

The Commercial Break Episode Summary: 12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read Release Date: December 19, 2024

Hosted by Bryan Green and Kristen Joy Hoadley of Commercial Break LLC, Episode "12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read" delivers a festive and humorous take on the holiday season, blending improv comedy with sharp commentary.

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1. Launching the 12 Days of TCB (00:00 - 03:07)

As the episode kicks off, Bryan and Kristen announce their ambitious "12 Days of TCB" special, running daily from December 13th through the 25th. They emphasize their commitment to delivering fresh, live episodes throughout the holiday season, despite the usual seasonal slowdown.

Notable Quote:

• Bryan (02:52): "Sometimes podcasts like ours will take a lot of time during the holidays, but not us. We're gluttons for punishment."

2. Embracing Holiday Chaos and Listener Feedback (03:07 - 06:35)

Bryan and Kristen delve into the whirlwind of holiday activities, sharing personal anecdotes about decorating, cooking, and managing family dynamics. They highlight the diverse ways listeners engage with the podcast during this hectic time, from decorating along with the show to seeking an escape from more stressful content like political podcasts.

Notable Quote:

• Kristen (05:44): "It was wonderful. We went to the botanical gardens, did a big lights display."

3. Hilarious Health Talk: Prostate Checks and "Bell Ringing" (06:35 - 12:38)

Transitioning into a comedic exploration of men's health, Bryan shares his uncomfortable experiences with prostate exams. The discussion is laced with humor as they mockingly refer to the procedure as "bell ringing" and "jingle bells," blending factual information with irreverent jokes.

Notable Quotes:

• Bryan (10:30): "I call it the bell ringing. It does ring like a bell. It is a weird sensation that some people find quite pleasurable."
• Kristen (12:25): "Somebody is there like lube squirting?"

4. Mocking Teresa Caputo's Cold Readings (12:38 - 66:47)

The core of the episode centers on a satirical imitation of Teresa Caputo, a well-known medium, during a live cold reading session. Bryan and Kristen play exaggerated versions of themselves and Teresa, delivering biting critiques of her methods and authenticity. They humorously dissect her attempts to connect with spirits, highlighting perceived flaws and inconsistencies.

Notable Exchanges:

• Bryan (31:15): "That's the thing about my gift. I never know when I'm going to fail. And it's going to happen often."
• Teresa Caputo (33:00): "Someone didn't get the opportunity to say goodbye and someone had a hard time letting go."
• Bryan (40:46): "Teresa Caputo not only is lying to people, scamming people out of money, and doing a parlor trick, but then she's overtly racist about it, which is cheap. Just terrible."

Throughout this segment, Bryan and Kristen employ sharp wit and sarcasm to undermine Caputo's credibility, using humor to question the legitimacy of her psychic abilities.

Notable Quote:

• Bryan (64:17): "Every time. It starts off as shits and giggles, and then Brian gets all worked up because Theresa's terrible. She's a terrible fuck you."

5. Championing Charitable Causes (66:47 - End)

Despite the relentless humor and critique, Bryan and Kristen take a moment to highlight charitable causes, particularly focusing on the ASPCA. They encourage listeners to donate and support these organizations during the holiday season, emphasizing the importance of giving back.

Notable Quote:

• Bryan (22:11): "The ASPCA does God's work with animals. And when they're left or abandoned or they're sick or they're just given up because someone can't take care of them, The ASPCA does their best to care for those animals."

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Conclusion

Episode 12 "12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read" of The Commercial Break masterfully blends holiday spirit with sharp comedic insights. Bryan and Kristen navigate through personal anecdotes, health humor, and a scathing parody of Teresa Caputo, all while maintaining a festive and engaging atmosphere. The episode serves both as a humorous escape and a subtle critique of modern-day mediums, wrapped in the chaos and joy of the holiday season.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps:

• Bryan (02:52): "Sometimes podcasts like ours will take a lot of time during the holidays, but not us. We're gluttons for punishment."
• Kristen (05:44): "It was wonderful. We went to the botanical gardens, did a big lights display."
• Bryan (10:30): "I call it the bell ringing. It does ring like a bell. It is a weird sensation that some people find quite pleasurable."
• Bryan (31:15): "That's the thing about my gift. I never know when I'm going to fail. And it's going to happen often."
• Bryan (40:46): "Teresa Caputo not only is lying to people, scamming people out of money, and doing a parlor trick, but then she's overtly racist about it, which is cheap. Just terrible."
• Bryan (64:17): "Every time. It starts off as shits and giggles, and then Brian gets all worked up because Theresa's terrible. She's a terrible fuck you."
• Bryan (22:11): "The ASPCA does God's work with animals. And when they're left or abandoned or they're sick or they're just given up because someone can't take care of them, The ASPCA does their best to care for those animals."

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For More Information:

• Website: tcbpodcast.com
• Instagram: @thecommercialbreak
• TikTok: @CBpodcast
• YouTube: TheCommercialBreak
• Contact: Text or call 212-433-3822

Join Bryan and Kristen throughout the holiday season for daily episodes filled with humor, heart, and a healthy dose of irreverence.

Transcript

[Brian Green]

This episode is sponsored in part by Live Nation. All right, you're a fan of the commercial break, so I know you're a fan of comedy. And good news for you, some of the best comedians in the world are touring right now. In my humble opinion, the best way to see comedy is to see it live. It's that energy in the room, it's the infectious laughter, it's the sense that someone is doing a high wire act right in front of your face and at any moment the train can come off the tracks. And that is always just as entertaining as when your favorite comedian sets the room on fire. Nasser and I have become big fans of watching live comedy. Never once have we walked out of a comedy show regretting the $300 we're about to pay the teenage babysitter to obsessively text her boyfriend and doomscroll on Instagram. Never once. Let me punch up a few of the comedians I know are on tour right now. There's the ever lovely Sarah Silverman, hilarious Brian Reig, and Chelsea Handler, who I kind of have a crush on, Sarah Milliken, Kevin Hart, the always funny Atsuko Okatsuka. And literal man of the hour, Sebastian Maniscalco. If that guy doesn't give you a tickle, you just don't own a funny bone. There are all kind of live shows, there are all kind of venues, and there are all flavors of comedy. So head over to livenation.comcomedy to get your tickets today. That's livenation.comcomedy. times are tough. The entire world's stressed out. You deserve it. Go see some live comedy. Livenation.com comedy and thanks to Live Nation for being a sponsor of another kind of comedy show, the Commercial Break. This episode of the Commercial Break is sponsored by Ring. The holidays are almost here, and between traveling, hosting family and finding the perfect gift, it's such an exciting, busy and yes, sometimes stressful time. Ring helps you stay connected to the home for all the merry moments. Even when you're on the go with Ring, you've got the whole home covered. Their video doorbells alert you when gifts arrive and you can even chat with the delivery people to let them know where to leave the packages. The indoor cam. It's a game change so easy to set up. You can use it to check in on your pets when you're away. And with two way talk, you can even talk to them. Plus, if you want some privacy, you can just flip the manual cover to turn off the camera and microphone. Wherever the holidays take you, Ring makes sure that you're always home for the holidays. So head to Ring.com to find the latest deals on Ring video, doorbells, cams, and alarm kits. Ring makes the perfect gift for everyone on your list. And thanks to Ring for being a sponsor of the commercial break. Hey, Chrissy. Best to you.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Best to you, Brian.

[Brian Green]

Best to you out there in the podcast universe. And happy holidays. Sometimes podcasts like ours will take off a lot of time during the holidays, but not us. We're gluttons for punishment. So we have the 12 days of TCB coming at you December 13th through the 25th. Brand new episodes every single day and live fresh episodes during the entire holiday season. As the great Clark Griswold once said.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Holy. Where's the Tylenol?

[Brian Green]

Find it quick and join us this entire holiday season for brand new episodes of the commercial break. Probably sit around and cook some soups.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

And eat bread and desserts and just.

[Brian Green]

Get all fat and sassy. The next episode of the commercial break starts now. Ho ho ho. Oh, yeah. My little dancers and prancers. Welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green. This is the Krampus to my claws, Kristen Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Kristen.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Best to you, Brian, and best to.

[Brian Green]

You out there in the podcast universe. Continuing our adventure into 20 straight days of the commercial break for purely commercial reasons. So thank you for joining us. We really appreciate it. A lot of great feedback from the audience. So far, so good. Apparently some people decorating while they're listening to the 12 days of TCB. Some people getting away from the political pods they were listening to. And then November happened and we all got depressed and stopped listening to anything political.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

And some other people just enjoying the fact that they have a new episode of TCV every fucking day of the week. It was kind of weird to look in my Spotify and see an episode pop up on, like a Sunday.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, yeah. The Sunday was a first, right?

[Brian Green]

What's that?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

The Sunday was the first.

[Brian Green]

No, Friday was our first episode. Yeah.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

No, no, no.

[Brian Green]

Just enjoy, Hodley.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

No, I meant the first Sunday we've ever published.

[Brian Green]

Oh, certainly the first Sunday we've ever published on purpose. The first Sunday we've ever published. Yes, that's correct. I think wake way, way, way, way, way early on. I believe we were publishing on Mondays at first. Am I right about that? And I think I accidentally released episodes on Sundays because I didn't know how to work it. I also accidentally released episodes unedited or poorly edited or with all the bits and parts we should have edited out in. And so I've corrected all that. It just took me a couple of years to get there. So anyway, thank you for all the kind words. We really appreciate it. 212-433. TCB. In case you want to text us and let us know what you're doing this holiday season. The young lady who had the 21 EPM sticker brown out. Yes, yes, she contacted us. She did. She said, I heard your call, your siren song on the commercial break and I would like a new sticker. So we're going to send her a new sticker. If your 21 EPM sticker has browned out, let us know and we'll send you a new one.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

It's due to eco reasons. You know, we were trying. Astrid was trying to be very. Not economically. Environment.

[Brian Green]

No, that's what I was going to say. Eco reasons, meaning economical reasons. We only paid a dollar for a sticker.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Environmental reasons.

[Brian Green]

Yes, Environmental reasons is what Astrid has come up with to cover our tracks. So thank you, Astrid, for covering our tracks. How was your weekend? I mean we're recording this now when we're getting back from the weekend. So how was your weekend?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

It was wonderful. We went to the botanical gardens, do a big lights display.

[Brian Green]

Oh, you went to the botanical gardens? Yes. Oh, how exciting.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

And that's where I got these, our beautiful necklaces. Yes, the Christmas bulb necklace.

[Brian Green]

They are, they are just delicious. Thank you so much. As if we need another light up thing in this house. But yes, I've got.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I'm glad I brought it because you're not wearing anything to do with Christmas.

[Brian Green]

I've run out of Christmas stuff.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

That's what I thought. That's why I brought these.

[Brian Green]

I know. And rather than just rinse and repeat all of the three Christmas related things that I have, I decided let me just dress regular and then I'll put on a hat or something like that.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh, and then I brought these.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, I. The 12 days of TCB wasn't well thought out in the wardrobe department.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

No.

[Brian Green]

And barely thought out in the content department.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, that's.

[Brian Green]

We're getting there.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, that's on the fly.

[Brian Green]

We're getting there. Kristen and Jeff called me. I got in kind of a tizzy. So my twin brother came over to spend the night on Friday.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh, nice.

[Brian Green]

Because his fiance, his new fiance kicked him out of his own house. Yes, because that's what you do when you're newly engaged. You say fuck you leave your own house.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

It took two weeks.

[Brian Green]

It didn't even take. I don't even think it was two weeks. I think it was a week and a half. And Kevin's already out on the street. But if you were engaged to Kevin, then you'd probably kick him out, too. So Carrie Ann has this, like, girls party that she does every year, and so she did it at Kevin's house this year. Well, he has a townhouse, so I think there's a little more room to spread your wings. And there's two things that are really funny about this, and then I'll get to you. Number one, Kevin comes over and he is. Seems like he's way in the holiday spirit. And I'm like, what? He. What happened? Kevin, you know, he said, listen, when the girls got there, I just decided to stay for a few drinks. Of course, I had to have a few drinks with her friends. And I said, oh, so you're. You know, he got lubed up a little bit. But then the favorite sport over the night became look at the ring camp and see who's drunk leaving. That part. That part. I'm telling you what, it was high entertainment. High entertainment.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

You and Kevin were here?

[Brian Green]

Yes, we were watching the ring doorbell cam to watch the ladies come in and out of the party as they were exiting for the night. And it was high entertainment.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I bet it was.

[Brian Green]

And this is a sport I haven't gotten into yet, but this made me think of you because I want access to your ring doorbell camera. Because I know that's probably the best ring doorbell available anywhere in the city of Atlanta is Chrissy and Jeff. I will bet you at least twice a year Chrissy and or Jeff are caught on ring doorbell sans clothing. I will bet you at least twice a year that happens.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

That's probably true.

[Brian Green]

You guys do some midnight garden gardening in the buff. Well, in the summer, you can't, you know, hey, listen, we live in Atlanta. You can be excused for, you know, going sans clothing in the summer.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Exactly. And then this happens.

[Brian Green]

So it's like 10:30 at night, and I can see that my phone is ringing, but I'm laying with one of the kids, trying to put them to bed. And it's Jeff, also known as Jeff Hoadley. In my phone. Jeff doesn't have a last name. He's just Jeff Hoadley. And so I was like, wow, Jeff's calling. Something must be happening with Chrissy. He must be trying to get. I thought he was out of town. So I was like, oh, he must be trying to get ahold of Chrissy or There's some emerg.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Meanwhile, I'm naked outside doing gardening.

[Brian Green]

Meanwhile, Chrissy's trimming her tree with her trim. She's got. It's a trim trim. That's a trim trimming. So I immediately text back. I can't answer because I'm with the. I don't want to wake my. Even if there is an emergency, I don't want to wake my kids up. So fuck Chrissy. I got to keep the kids asleep. But I'm like, hey, Jeff, what's going on? Is everything okay? Is there an emergency? And he says, oh, yeah, man, I'm just sitting here with Chrissy.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Well, then you texted me.

[Brian Green]

Well, I texted both of you. I texted both of you because I needed the 411 immediately. There was a drama drop coming and I needed to know, you know what I'm saying? I thought this might be the night when I have to wake everybody up and say I've got to go down to Atlanta because Chrissy's in trouble. But it wasn't that night. It was just Jeff wondering if I had ever had my bell rung by a doctor.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

And I'm like, what are you talking about? Things. And I was like, there's no way. And he goes, just ask any man. And I go, what man am I going to ask? Like, I'm not going to ask my dad. And I was like, I'm pretty sure Brian would have talked about this. He was like, I'm calling him right now. I was like, he's not going to answer. The kids are.

[Brian Green]

The kids? Yeah, the kids.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I knew you weren't going to answer.

[Brian Green]

You don't call me after 7 o'clock at night for any reason.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

And you didn't. And then the text messages ensued and you did in fact confirm.

[Brian Green]

I confirm that you do get your bell rung by the doctor. Now, the prostate check is very infrequent. Now you. They usually do not do that because they have found that rubbing your finger over the prostate just causes unnecessary erections.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I was like, I've seen it in Fletcher, you know, when they do the check then. But I was like, were you supposed to be doing it, like, as a teenager?

[Brian Green]

Yeah. I thought that Jeff was talking about sticking the finger in the rear.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

But you.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

He was.

[Brian Green]

Oh, I thought it was the grabbing the balls and coughing. It was both, yes. Oh, yeah. There's two separate. There's two separate molestations that go on. Right.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

That's what I was like, what kind of doctor did you have?

[Brian Green]

What was happening well, listen, it, I mean, you can hardly blame a doctor. Listen, it's boring in a doctor's office. I got a cold, I got the sniffles, I got snot, my back hurts. Every once in a while they get a young, strong, strapping lad in there and you know, slaying their bells is the best thing that they, you know, it's a little, it's a little break from in the monotony. So you can hardly blame them. Yeah, that's like, you know, old fashioned pedoing when, you know, you're just a little ball tingling. Then never hurt anybody. Under the guise of a medical little butt fingering. Little finger in the butt never hurt anybody. I mean, listen, I.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

It did sound right to me.

[Brian Green]

It is absolutely incorrect. And it only took them 300 years to realize.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

He was like googling and he's like, look. Yeah, see, it's on the Google. Like it could be men and women and blah, blah. I was like, I never had that son. And I was like, what? What?

[Brian Green]

Since when do they start sticking their fingers in women's anuses? There's no prostate back there. No, no, no, no, no. When I was 30 years old, I got my first bell ringing. And it is.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

You'd call it the bell ringing.

[Brian Green]

I call it the bell ringing.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I hadn't heard that one.

[Brian Green]

It does ring like a bell. It is a weird sensation that some people find quite pleasurable. Right. I do not. It wasn't. It felt very uncomfortable to me and as a matter of fact, at times my doctor had to tell me to relax. The last time I had this.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Somebody is there like lube squirting?

[Brian Green]

Yeah, yeah, Warm lube.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Gloves.

[Brian Green]

Warm lube. If they're being gentle. Yeah. If you're friends, they'll do warm lube. There's a, there's a glove that goes on and it is maybe 20 seconds, whole operation.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

But it feels like three minutes. Right. It feels like a long time. And the last time that I had.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

This done up there, Doc.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, the last time I had this done was at the urologist because I have a family history of prostate cancer, so it was important. And early prostate cancer, so it was important for me. This is why 21 EPM sticker even exists. It was important for me to make sure that I was getting checked frequently as a young man. And so I have a urologist. And I went to him for the first time and he said, well, listen, this is not like a predeterminative test, but by feeling the nature of your prostate, by feeling Whether or not it's hard or soft.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh, a hard.

[Brian Green]

Hard or soft. And then they rub it to make sure it's smooth. Right. So they take their finger and they do a little window washing, so to speak. They go up, they wash the windows. Quadruple fister. That's right. And so the last time that I had this done, the doctor took his finger out and he goes, are. Was it. Was it tight because you're not relaxed or is it tight? Is that normally how it is? And I was like, what are you talking about? Did you expect it to be loose? Did you want it to be loose? Doctor, he asked me that question, and I said, I think I'm just a little nervous.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

When they touch your prostate like that. Let me go back one second. When I'm 25, 26 years old, I get invited to basically the Breath of Fire Kundalini cult.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

That's right.

[Brian Green]

And in the Kundalini cult, I'm in the tantric sex yoga shop, the level one that they talk about inside of this documentary on hbo. I actually went to an offshoot of this. And as an offshoot of that offshoot, they say at the beginning, they say, listen, if anybody wants to stay for the live prostate massage, the live prostate massage retreat, it'll happen directly. The retreat. There's a retreat. And if you can find a partner, then you can also follow along with. Right. So you can imagine, first of all, the sights, smells, and sounds that were going on at the prostate.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Did you stay for the retreat?

[Brian Green]

Oh, fuck no. Fuck no. That was a bridge too far, Chrissy. A bridge too far.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

That's when you're like, okay, and I'm done.

[Brian Green]

No, I was done. The Kundalini yoga was enough. It was a tantric, and there was no, like, I guess maybe some people might imagine a tantric yoga workshop would be all about sex. And there is talk of sex, but there is no sex. At least not in. At least not in the beginning. Level two, they go for it. So. So what I heard from the more, I guess, prostate enthusiasts in the room was that by ringing the bell, you can ring the bell and the outcome can be explosive, if you know what I mean. Right. There can really be a release that goes on there. And so the bell ringing is the finger in the finger in the butt. Yeah, that's the bell ringing. No, let's call that the jingle bells. There's the jingle bells and then the bell ringing. All right, the jingle bells is grab your nuts and cough. Turn your head and then the finger in the butt is the bell ringing. Both important parts of men's health, by the way. At least until recently when they stopped bringing your bell because they figured out that it was just old fashioned pee doing, I guess. I don't know. All right, so this, this happens when I'm 25, 26 years old, and then I know of the prostate massage community and what goes on in there. And then when I get my first bell ringing, I was so nervous that I was gonna jizz all over the doctor's office.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh, my God.

[Brian Green]

Started to clamp up.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Thought it was just gonna be like a touch.

[Brian Green]

I didn't know. Well, apparently sometimes that happens. Apparently sometimes you just go in and it goes out, right? It go. They're in, you're out, everyone's happy, I guess. I don't know. And so I'd like to ask Doc Scott about this.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Maybe, I was gonna say maybe you should have stayed for the retreat.

[Brian Green]

He was at the retreat.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I'm sure. Swear to God, I'm sure.

[Brian Green]

So in that. Okay. So ever since then, it's not the most pleasurable thing in the world to me, but it has get. It has been done less frequently as the years have gone on because doctors say we have now decided that this is not a great way to determine whether or not you have prostate. Yeah, you just take some blood and they can sell it in your cells. But don't let that stop him from a good time. Let's torture Brian with a bell ring. Now there's the other thing that he's talking about, which is the jingle bells, the jingle balls.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

The cough. Coffin balls.

[Brian Green]

The coffin balls. Now this is really important, and men should do this frequently, is you should examine your own testicles for lumps, bumps, or otherwise weird things that are going on. This is super important. And you have your partner do it. Whatever. You guys make a play date out of it. I mean, I guess it's not great. If you actually do discover a lump, then it kind of kills the mood. But you can start off that way, right?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

So this. So the doctor coughs, you can grab someone's jingle bells and you can hold them, and then when they cough, it can determine whether or not the prostate is working effectively as the balls go up or down. That's what I understand because I'm not a doctor, but I stayed at a Holiday Inn last night. And then they may squish them around a little bit just to feel what's going on. I went to a doctor. I was just telling you this. I went to a Doctor. One time I was having terrible back pain, and it started. I didn't know this at the time, but that terrible back pain. I was also then having terrible testicular pain in one of my nuts, in my left nut. So I was like, oh, shit. Do I have something very serious? Do I have cancer? Because I know that these things can be. You know, you can feel pain in your back when you have testicular cancer or vice versa. So I go to the doctor. I call the doctor's office. I want to get in there immediately. The doctor is not available. The doctor is booked up. But they say there's a physician's assistant and she would be happy to see you. Well, okay. She. All right. So I'm thinking, you know, grandma's gonna come in, talk to me about this, and we're all gonna go. You know, we're all gonna leave happy, or I'm gonna get a follow up. What appears. This is like when I was, like, 35 years old. What appears from behind the door. You know, they knock on the door, Mr. Green, you know, open the door. Hi, I'm physician assistant. You know, Elle McPherson. I mean, the woman. Dua Lipa. I'm physician assistant.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I have the history of this happening. Because when you got your colonic.

[Brian Green]

When I got my.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Also a beautiful woman.

[Brian Green]

It was the most. One of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my entire life was sticking a tube up my ass to flush out the seven layer burrito from Taco Bell.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

The Mexican food.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. What are you eating? I don't know. What are you doing next Friday? So you come here often? I don't know. How's my hairy asshole looking? But what emerged from behind the door was just a lovely lady. I mean, she was just beautiful, in my opinion. And then I was like, oh, here we go. And so I. Now I have to tell her the problem, right? Not that it's that I know she's a medical professional. So I was explaining to her. But what I didn't expect was what came next, which was not me. It was, hey, why don't we take a look? Let me do an examination, and I'll make sure there's nothing there to be concerned about. I'll have to call someone in to do that, as is medically appropriate, right.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

To be a witness in there.

[Brian Green]

And then who came in was one of the nurses. A nice young gentleman that I had known for many years going to this doctor's office. I think he thought that I was cute. That was my assumption. But they took great Joy in making me uncomfortable that day by spending a little extra time jingling my balls. There was no bell ringing but the jingling of the balls. And luckily there was nothing to be concerned about. It ended up that my back pain was referring that testicular pa. When they took care of the back pain, the testicular pain went away. But this is all very important to talk about with your husbands and your boyfriends and.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yes, there is.

[Brian Green]

Especially around Christmas. You know, it's a time when we all get together and we love each other. I hope you're sitting by the fire.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Right now with your kids trimming the tree.

[Brian Green]

When we were prepping you for the 12 days of TCB, we said, gather around the yule log and listen to Brian talk about his balls. It happened. It actually happened. We were foreshadowing the entire time.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, we didn't even plan that either.

[Brian Green]

Oh, my God. That was just. That was just lovely, wasn't it? Isn't everyone having a good time on the 12 days of TCB? Now that you've thrown up your lunch, you could go back to work or that burrito. Yeah, that's right. It's time for a break. Okay, good. All right. We have got some great stuff for you today on the 12 Days of TCB, reviewing all of the wonderful things we've done in 2024. All of your favorites. Our favorites. Teresa Caputo makes the list of any season, and she's back. And I've got her in more. More hilarious hijinks from Teresa Caputo. But before we go, I want to remind you that we're focusing right now on some charities. Those charities. That charity that we're focusing on right now is the aspca. The ASPCA does God's work with animals. And when they're left or abandoned or they're sick or they're just given up because someone can't take care of them, The ASPCA does their best to care for those animals. They also do, you know, investigations into animal crimes and stuff like that. So I like the aspca.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I love the asp.

[Brian Green]

A couple of our listeners wrote in when we were asking them, and they said the ASPCA was important to them. There's a link in the show notes. Please go and donate. If you do donate and you want to send a screenshot to us, we'll be happy to send you some TCB swag. We have nothing to do with the money exchange. Just go there, click the link. It'll take you directly to where you can donate National Breast Cancer coalition fund and St. Jude. We're also focusing on we'll throw a fourth one in there. Before it's all said and done, we'll throw a fourth one in there. So donate to one of those causes this Christmas and make some folks happy. Let's take a break and yeah, we'll be back. Holidays getting you down. Family acting out of pocket. Text us and tell us all about it at 212-4333 TCB or leave us a voicemail with all of the unhinged and or spicy details and then follow us on Instagram at the commercial break and on TikTok CBpodcast. If you need a letter, laugh or an escape, you can always escape for a full hour and watch our YouTube videos at YouTube.com thecommercialbreak while you simultaneously peruse our website tcbpodcast.com to find out all there is to know about Brian and Chrissy. Now let's hear from our sponsors so we can afford the holidays this year. This episode is sponsored by Pre Alcohol from Zbiotics. I am not one to imbibe a whole bunch anymore. I've got 13 to 15 children, check lists to get done and jobs to do. But even with moderation, I don't bounce back like I used to from a night of drinking. I find myself having to make that choice. Can I have a great night or a great responsible day tomorrow? A tough choice to make indeed. That is, until I found Pre Alcohol Zebiotics. Pre Alcohol Probiotic drink is the world's first genetically engineered probiotic. It was invented by a PhD scientist to tackle rough mornings after drinking. And here's how it works. When you drink, alcohol gets converted into a toxic byproduct in your gut. It's this byproduct, not dehydration, that's to blame for that rough next day. Pre alcohol produces an enzyme to break down this byproduct. And just as long as you remember to take pre alcohol as your first drink of the night, then drink responsibly. You'll feel your best tomorrow. We've now been out for a few nights of drinking where pre alcohol is the first thing that I drink. Let me tell you when I can get up in the morning, take care of my 12 to 13 children, still record an episode of the commercial break and make it to bedtime with a little bit of energy left in the tank to watch Bad Television vision. I know that pre alcohol has done its job and with the holiday season upon us, I know I'm going to be consuming just a little bit more alcohol than usual. But with pre alcohol I can stay on track and not let the holiday season throw me off course. Go to ZBiotics.com commercial to learn more and get 15 off your first order when you use the code COMMERCIAL at checkout. ZBiotics is backed by a 100 money back guarantee, so if you're unsatisfied for any reason, they'll refund your money, no questions asked. Remember to head to ZBiotics.com commercial and use the code COMMERCIAL at checkout for 15 off. Thank you to ZBiotics for being a sponsor of the commercial break and for making my mornings after drinking just a little bit easier. This episode is sponsored by Squarespace. Okay, the year is early 2000 and something and I got my first real office job at a company that was selling websites and search engine optimization. We came up with this pitch that the website was the business card of the Future and now 20 something years later is not the business card for your business, it's just your business. And that's why I highly recommend Squarespace. It's an all in one website platform for entrepreneurs to succeed online. You don't have to be a programmer or a coder or a designer to develop your presence online. Just as unique as you and your business are three really important reasons why I believe Squarespace is the leader in this industry. Design Intelligence. They combine two decades of of industry leading design and expertise with cutting edge AI technology to unlock your strongest creative potential. Number two Squarespace Payments. This is the part that befuddles a lot of people who go out and try and build their own website. Onboarding is fast and simple and you can take payments from some of the most popular payment methods. Klarna Ach, Apple Pay afterpay, clearpay. If you're going to put your business online, people have to be able to pay you online. And number three, but no less important SEO tools. If you want to be noticed, you have to be found. And with Squarespace integrated SEO tools, every Squarespace website is optimized to be indexed with meta descriptions, an auto generated sitemap, and more. Check out squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch squarespace.com commercial to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. Again, squarespace.com commercial to save ten percent off your first purchase of a website or a domain using that code. Commercial thanks Squarespace for being a sponsor of the commercial break. This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Whether you love true crime or comedy, celebrity interviews or news. You call the shots on what's in your podcast queue. And guess what? Now you can call them on your auto insurance, too. With the name your price tool from Progressive. It works just the way it sounds. You tell Progressive how much you want to pay for car insurance and they'll show you coverage options that fit your budget. Get your quote [e-mail] to join the over 28 million drivers who trust Progressive, Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Price and coverage match limited by state law. Okay, Christina in studio with us today. Merry Christmas, Christina. Merry Christmas to you and your balls.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

And cheers to you and your new kitten.

[C]

Thank you.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Speaking of the animal I gave birth.

[Brian Green]

To, speaking of ASPCA Myrtle. It's very sweet. Myrtle is very sweet. Myrtle and Ruby. Why Myrtle? Because of the street Myrtle. No, honestly, it came to me in a dream. Oh, it did? Oh, here we go. It came to me in a dream one night and I said I must have another one. And her name is Myrtle. There you go. There you go.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Made it happen.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. And here we are. Speaking of dreams, one of the people that we love discussing over any season of the commercial break is Teresa Caputo. The absolute shit show that is Teresa Caputo and her, I guess, con artisting, I don't know any other way to put it. Theresa, you know her, you love her. It's a carnival trick. It's a parlor trick trick, what she does. And especially the what they call the cold readings, the live readings, where she will go into a group of people and then she will start to whittle those people down based on extraordinarily broad questions until someone connects with her on something likely because they are willing and they, they believe in this type of stuff. Anyway, I want to be clear. They want to believe. And of course they want to believe. When you lose somebody or someone's close to you or they think you think you're on the other side, you would do anything to talk to them one more time, to have them around one more time to think that they're with you. Ok. Yeah.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Reassured.

[Brian Green]

And if someone can put a voice to that and a moment of desperation or vulnerability, then open the pocketbook, because here, Teresa Combs. Now, Teresa has not done a ton of cold readings live on television. And I can understand why, because there's a big opportunity for failure.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

A lot of times it doesn't work.

[Brian Green]

Yes, that's right. So the deeper we get into the Teresa Caputo catalog, the harder it gets to find the cold readings and Let me explain why I like to do the cold readings more than the show. Because first of all, her team will copyright us immediately even though we're not infringing upon our copyrights. But second of all, because the cold readings are such a huge opportunity for failure that she does so few of them.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

Gotta be. One of the places she seems to show up quite a bit is this local television station ABC 7 in Chicago. For some reason she's done like four or five of these cold readings there in Chicago on the station. Maybe it's cuz she has a hard time selling tickets there. Maybe it's because she sells a lot of tickets there and that's what she likes to go on. Because I'm sure that just like the comedians, she goes and she. Yeah, she primes the local audience for this. She does have that weird television show where it's like a mix of slap, you know, slapstick comedy with, you know, people on the other side and.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

New show. You mean her newer one.

[Brian Green]

She has had so many television shows.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

The newer one is just crazy.

[Brian Green]

It's terrible.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

She's like, like stop driving hot dogs.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, I know. She's driving around in an RV with her assistant, stopping for a hot dog and then choking because someone's choking her and that's her sign for a dick down the throat. I don't know, I'm not sure, you know. And hey, listen, let us be clear about this for anybody because I know that we have listeners out there who actually like Teresa Caputo. It's okay to have differences. Totally cool. And I want to say I'm not totally discounting that energetically there may be spirits out there 100% that give you signs.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

We just don't think that they're talking to Tariq.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, I just don't think it manifests itself in this wig. That's what I'm saying. In this high, you know, high haired loudmouth of a woman who is clearly taking advantage of people in their moment of desperation. So I want to do this. I found her on ABC7. You want to take a listen?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Let's do it.

[Brian Green]

Let's do it. Teresa caputo on the 12 days of tcb. Here we go.

[C]

That's the thing about my gift, is that I never know what's going to happen. And you saw it. I saw her before the last commercial.

[Brian Green]

That's the thing about my gift. I never know when I'm going to fail. And it's going to happen often. Notice. Look at her point. Like she's scratching the behind her ear.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Chrissy and I have always suspected that that hair is hiding my. Not only terrible.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah. Earpiece.

[Brian Green]

It's hiding an earpiece so that she can talk to her production staff that is digging up dirt on the unsuspecting audience. Yes.

[C]

And that's the thing. Like, I feel things. It's not a matter of, oh, is that my mother standing in front of you? That's not how it works. I just start to.

[Brian Green]

That's not how it works. But that's how you says it works. You're so fucking full of shit, Theresa.

[C]

And I. I kept getting this heaviness in my chest, and then there was something about the throat. And then my legs started to get numb. So that's what was my.

[Brian Green]

And then I fell over flat on my face.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

And then my throat and then my legs.

[Brian Green]

Yes, Christina. Crisscross applesauce. There I was in the middle of Kroger Crisscross applesauce. And a lady pulled up to me in her. In with her little wagon and she had ham in there. And I said, said ham is the sign for a dead husband. So I said, do you have a dead husband? And she said, no, but I know she did. I know she did.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

She's everybody that has a dead husband.

[Brian Green]

That's right. Some people do. You know, have you ever heard of a dead husband? Have you ever read a book with a dead husband? Some people just don't want to believe it. That's okay. That's okay, Chrissy.

[C]

Well, for the number one is that someone didn't get the opportunity to say goodbye and someone had a hard time letting go. Go at the end. So I want to talk about which.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Could be the majority of the people that die.

[Brian Green]

It could be every person that has ever died. Do you have. I mean, unless you know you're going. Unless it's clear that that's. And you get an opportunity to say.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Your goodbye, which does, in fact, happen.

[Brian Green]

Sure, absolutely. But let's assume that most of us are going to wake up tomorrow and have no idea that it's coming. That's just the nature of life. If you don't have any idea it's coming, how are you going to say goodbye to the people that you. This is such a broad start, and I noticed. Okay, just for those of you who are listening to this, she is sitting behind a table with two other Yakimos. And then she walked. All of a sudden she just gets up from the table and starts walking. She's feeling it, Chrissy. Now there are people she's getting piggy fronted.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I thought her legs were numb.

[Brian Green]

Well, they are numb and she's choking on her throat. She's getting piggy fronted.

[C]

I figured that passed from something of the brain. And she talks about the brain.

[Brian Green]

Okay, as Theresa's doing this, we're.

[C]

What? Go ahead, Teresa.

[Brian Green]

What? As Theresa's doing this, we're gonna go to a break.

[C]

How do you understand the brain? With the mom whose husband is departed, I go right to the next soul. Your husband is departed?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

What about the brain? Anybody to do with the brain? Anybody responded? So then she went to anybody's husband.

[Brian Green]

Does anybody have a head? Have you ever seen a. Have you seen a brain? Did you Google brain? Is anyone's husband departed? In an audience of 100 people? Yes. Has anybody's husband departed? And it happens to be the lady right in front of her. That's amazing.

[C]

And can I. With the legs? With your husband, was he the bedridden or he had an issue with the legs?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Can I put the legs. Because one of the legs with your husband?

[Brian Green]

Yeah.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Can I match. Can I match the legs that I'm seeing with your husband?

[Brian Green]

I'm playing a little pictionary in my head. Have you ever played the match game where you turn over the cards and you try and match the two? I'm matching the legs. Did he have a blue suit? A black suit? Did he ever wear pants? Has your husband had legs? Did your husband have legs?

[C]

They start to jump up and down. It means that they were restricted or they had some type of disability and. Or ailment with the legs.

[Brian Green]

Why?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Because they're all of a sudden excited to use them.

[Brian Green]

Nothing says disabled of the legs like jumping up and down. That's fast.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, I guess they're excited to be able to use them now.

[Brian Green]

Oh, hey, listen, in the afterlife, anything's possible. Chrissy. No, it was sudden, okay? She said, did he die of a disease? It took him a long time because. No, it was sudden.

[C]

I'm gonna go to the. See, this is what happens. Remember when I said to you before. What happens is.

[Brian Green]

Remember when I said to you before about the bullshit. Look over here. Yes, look over here. Pretty shiny thing over here. Pret. Anything over there? Do you remember when I look at.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

My claws for nails? My God, those things are long.

[Brian Green]

Well, when you're dealing with the spirits. When you're dealing with the spirits, you have to get many manicures.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I don't think she's ringing anybody's bell.

[Brian Green]

Oh, you don't even know. Chrissy. When I see when I'm. When I see someone ringing a bell, you know what that means? That means they did not have a chance to fart before they died. That's it. They needed to take a good shit. It's like Elvis. Elvis died because he didn't get his bell rung. That's right. Did you know that? Okay, now remember, everybody, when I was talking before about the bullshit and the lying, this is the part where I do that. Okay, just checking.

[C]

Souls come in, they all want to talk at one time.

[Brian Green]

You're all talking, they're all fucking each other. Coming in on top of me.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

It's bombardment.

[Brian Green]

Yes. It's like a big pile of souls.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Legs are over here, arms are over here.

[Brian Green]

Yes. It's the coachella of brains. Yes.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Chrissy flying around.

[Brian Green]

Oh, it's a Travis Scott. That's it.

[C]

Loved ones. So that kind of gives them that. So.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

So she's completely abandoned this woman that she was talking to.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Because she saw that she wasn't going anywhere with the lady. She got it wrong. And this is how cold reading happens. You do broad and then you move on. Yeah. And if you can't get it, you go backwards, you go more broad. So now she's back to the legs. Did anybody have any legs?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

That one woman's like, but what about me? My husband did die and I want to talk to her.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. She's like, wait, can we go back to my dead husband? Do you mind? Would you mind talking to my dead husband?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Meanwhile, Johnny on the spot here with the microphone. Look at him.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Uh huh.

[C]

You know, your mother is the one that I was picking up with the brain. And your mother tells me that you had to make a lot of choices and decisions connected to her departure. Is that correct?

[Brian Green]

Yes, she is.

[C]

So she showed me the light switch, which means that you had to make choices and you weren't.

[Brian Green]

Okay, but you just said you don't see anything. You just feel it. But now they're showing you the light switch. And by the way, why are you wearing the ruby red slippers from wizard of Oz? Why is that happening? Sure.

[C]

And now you're going back and you're saying, maybe if I didn't do this, maybe if I switched this doctor or brought her to this hospital, that my mom would still be here. Or maybe she wouldn't have. Did you just get the chills or the goosebumps? Yes. That was your mother's soul that just went through.

[Brian Green]

Know that she's breezing by you right now. Know that there's There's a bit of flatulence. And that's your mother last flatulence. Did you have to make some hard decisions about your mother's health care? I mean, this is. I knew it was you. I knew it was you. Who doesn't make tough decisions about a loved one's health care at the end?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, exactly. Or wonder if you had gone to another hospital or another doctor or something like that, things could have turned out differently.

[Brian Green]

You're so intuitive, Chrissy. So intuitive.

[C]

Well, to validate that you made all of the right choices and decisions. What happens is when spirit notice that.

[Brian Green]

Every dead person is just happy that all the decisions were made correctly. They want everyone relieved. If someone made a decision that ended up in my death. I don't care if I'm in the afterlife, I'm pissed off. I know. And I'm letting Theresa know. Let those shitheads know.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Tell them they did the wrong thing.

[Brian Green]

Yes. If we would have just gone to Dr. Pavlov, we would have been fine.

[C]

Certain things like your mom is doing, it's because you're carrying that negative emotion which is not giving you the ability to heal.

[Brian Green]

Yes.

[C]

Your mother shows me her pocketbook. So did you keep her pocketbook or do you still have her things inside the pocketbook?

[Brian Green]

Have you been stealing from your mother's pocketbook? She knows you've been taking things from her pocketbook. Her mother shows me a pocketbook. Oh, Theresa, you are the thing that gets me every fucking time. Is even in an audience of 100 people, there are still 2, 4, 6 that desperately believe this.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Of course desperately believe it.

[Brian Green]

And these are the same.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Feel relieved that they did do everything Okay.

[Brian Green]

I don't fault them.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Is that. Yeah, I don't fault the person's Okay.

[Brian Green]

I fault her. I fault her for knowing she's full of shit and continuing the scam. Continuing the scam. She is literally. I mean, I don't know if she's selling out anything, but she is literally showing up to theaters where there's a thousand seats and getting 700 people in there to pay 49.95 to see her do this dance. And by the way, reviews are in and even though they keep it pretty tight, they don't allow filming of any kind, any audio. There are a few people who have taken videos inside of the room and it's pretty amazing how wrong she gets most of the stuff. This whole dance that she's doing right now, at least on a few of the videos, it. It takes her some sometimes 40 minutes to get onto something. Like, she really stumbles around and she gets pissed at the crowd. That's what happens. You don't believe me. I don't care if you believe me. This is, you know. Yeah, it's just. It's ugly. The whole situation is ugly.

[C]

Is that correct?

[Brian Green]

Yes, I do.

[C]

Perfect. I asked for these little crazy things because I'm the first one to say what I do. I do absolutely crazy. How can someone communicate with someone that has died? But to bring up something, if I.

[Brian Green]

Talk fast enough, no one will know.

[C]

That I'm full of shit that nobody would know about. To validate that, she. She says, I trusted you with all of my decisions, and you did make all the.

[Brian Green]

I trusted you with my pocketbook, and you took $5. I saw it.

[C]

Choices, she says, and I know how hard it was for you to say goodbye to me. She says, and I want you to know that I knew that you were by my bedside.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

She's not going to be hard to say goodbye. I mean.

[Brian Green]

Can I. Can I ask you a question?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

It was so easy. I was ready to see them go.

[Brian Green]

I can't listen to Christina and Chrissy at the same time talk. How is she listening to multiple spirits and communicating with another human being at the same time?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I've seen pocketbooks.

[Brian Green]

Oh, it's so annoying.

[C]

Holding me, fixing my hair and kissing me goodbye and telling me that it was okay to let go, that you would be fine. She goes, theresa, I kept my end to the bargain. I let go. But my daughter is a mess. Is that correct? Yes. So your mother says.

[Brian Green]

Is that correct? Am I giving you any other option? Am I. Am I giving you a chance to speak? No. Yes and no. That's all she asks. Yes and no.

[C]

You need to hold up your end of the bargain by. Because you told me that you would be okay now, were you just reading your mom's. I don't know if she had a journal or, like, her address book. Address book, Perfect.

[Brian Green]

Her address book.

[C]

She goes, I don't even know why she's reading. Half the people are dead in that book. She goes, why is she saying have the address book? So now that when you were.

[Brian Green]

Cha ching, another $49.95. And a daughter, too. I smell Caputo merch going out the door.

[C]

Reading through your mom's address book, Know that her soul was with you at that exact moment. She says, it's okay to let go of certain things. Understand that.

[Brian Green]

Yes.

[C]

Is your father also departed as well?

[Brian Green]

Yes.

[C]

So know that he's stepping forward. Forward she just kept telling me.

[Brian Green]

Now he's piggy fronting, he's stepping forward. He's saying, keep the address book. You might need it for a rainy day. He's also saying, stop stealing from your mother's pocketbook. He's also saying, you made all the wrong decisions with me.

[C]

Sit down. She goes, oh, don't worry, that's not our daughter. Just sit, sit, sit.

[Brian Green]

That's also funny about your dead parents. We'll be right back with more with.

[C]

Teresa coming up after this.

[Brian Green]

Okay, that's a good time. Is that a good time for us to take a break too? I love it. They're prompting us for our break too.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I like it.

[Brian Green]

Okay, ASPCA link in the show notes. Please donate to a good cause this Christmas. We've got a few of them, so check them out in the show notes and we certainly would appreciate it. We'll be back with more. Teresa, hi. You know what time it is, so let's get to it. Pull that phone out of your pocket and follow us on Instagram at the commercial commercial break and on TikTok for now, I guess. CB podcast. You can also find all of our video content that we're filming in our brand new [e-mail] TheCommercialBreak so check it out and throw us a follow a like a comment, whatever you can spare. If you want to get in touch with us, you can always text us or call us and leave us a voicemail at 212-4333, TCB. Now I have one last request. During the 12, 263 days of TCB, check out our featured charities and donate to them if you can this holiday season. Alright, let's take a listen to our sponsors and get back to the show. The holidays are all about sharing with family meals, couches, stories, Grandma's secret pecan pie recipe, and now you can also share a cart with Instacart's family carts. Everyone can add what they want to one group cart from wherever they are so you don't have to go from room to room to find out who wants cranberry sauce or who should get mini marshmallows for the yams or collecting votes for sugar cookies versus shortbread. Just share a cart and then share the meals and the moments. Download the Instacart app and get delivery in as fast as 30 minutes. Plus enjoy free delivery on your first three orders. Service fees and terms apply.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Holiday magic is in the air and DSW's got all the shoes to make your season extra. Merry believe you've got parties to attend and list to check twice. So DSW is taking care of the details, like gifts to make their eyes all aglow. Styles that bring joy to your world. Brands everyone wants like Ugg, Nike, Birkenstock and more. And deals to make your budget bright.

[Brian Green]

Find the perfect shoes for you and.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yours at a DSW store near you or dsw.com.

[Brian Green]

Now you wish there was an HR department. Don't.

[C]

Was your husband not feeling well prior to his departure?

[Brian Green]

Just a little.

[C]

I don't care if it was two days before.

[Brian Green]

He's like, oh, I don't give a shit. You're gonna answer yes to me, I'm coming back to you.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, well, she had some time to kind of formulate what she was gonna say to this other woman.

[Brian Green]

Yes, that's correct. She was missing out on that. And so now she's coming back because she doesn't want to leave it open ended because then people will be like, but what about that first woman she talked to? She got it wrong.

[C]

A headache or I don't feel good. I feel short of breath. And then he just.

[Brian Green]

Oh, I don't care if he had a headache, a hangnail, an ingrown hair. Was he feeling ill?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Did he stub his toe?

[Brian Green]

Then don't lie to me because your husband's gonna tell me the truth. No, but my father's leg. No, but my father one time was sick with the flu. That's it. Your father's now stepping forward. Is he dead? No. Oh, well, it's your mother that's stepping forward.

[C]

Okay, but my husband died quite a while ago. It doesn't matter to me as long as that. That's all that matters. It doesn't matter if they're Godfrey.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh my God.

[Brian Green]

With such sensitivity and a daft touch.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Doesn't matter to me.

[Brian Green]

Doesn't matter how dead they are.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

They're dead.

[Brian Green]

Listen, it's like kind of being pregnant doesn't work that way.

[C]

Five years, 50 years. Do you understand that? Yes, but do you see? They got me to then come. What happens is they make me feel these things you didn't acknowledge. I go to the next soul. So it's that.

[Brian Green]

So they make me feel these things. And she pointed toward her vagina. They make me feel these things. Your father's a real fucking perv, your husband. He's in my box.

[C]

He's all up in my grill, dating for you. So your dad had the issue with his legs. When spirit brings up a disability.

[Brian Green]

Well, he didn't have any issues with his legs, but his penis didn't work.

[C]

So fantastic toward the endor ailment. They don't want us to remember them sick.

[Brian Green]

Right.

[C]

So it's their way of saying, I want you to remember me how. And your husband is Valedin because he passed sudden and unexpected. Is that correct?

[Brian Green]

Yes. Yeah. She just told you that? She just told you that?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Mm.

[C]

But yet not feeling well prior up to. But not really making a big deal about it.

[Brian Green]

Correct.

[C]

So knowing that there was nothing that we could have done to have prevented the departure. Your husband is departed as well, ma'am.

[Brian Green]

Okay.

[C]

Your husband says, I want to take this opportunity to thank you.

[Brian Green]

Why are all the ghosts are thanking everybody? I'm being serious. There's not an angry ghost in all the land.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

No, no, no. Not at all.

[Brian Green]

If I'm in that, I guarantee if I'm stuck in some kind of purgatory where I'm flying in and out of Theresa's hair, I'm gonna be pissed. I'm gonna be like, is this really the bitch who I've got? There's somebody else out there.

[C]

He said, I never thanked you. He says, you knew that I. How much I loved you. He says, but I want to thank you for the way that you cared for me. Do you understand that?

[Brian Green]

Yes, I do. He was a son of a bitch, but there was an occasion where I guess we were okay.

[C]

And I wish I had that opportunity to tell you that. He said, and how much I appreciated everything that you did for me. Your husband was ill prior to his departure, ma'am.

[Brian Green]

No, he was fine. We both been smoking since we were 12. Course, things were different back then. I think you're up to witchcraft, and I don't care for it much, but I guess I'll listen to you because that's the polite thing to do.

[C]

Because he shows me how you cared for him, like in a nursing capacity. Because he's like, wife did things for me that a wife shouldn't have to do.

[Brian Green]

And that means I wiped his balls when they got on them.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh, my God.

[Brian Green]

I don't know where that came from. I'm so sorry. Merry Christmas, Fabian and all that jazz.

[C]

Interesting capacity. And was your husband not the same in the end, ma'am? Because he put a food tray in front of me and then threw it at me. That's my symbol with that personality changes because of an illness or a disability. Do you understand?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

And then threw it at me.

[Brian Green]

He didn't much care for my Salisbury steaks. I made mashed potatoes with arsenic in them. And he got sick toward the end. He was a real. You'd make the mashed potatoes with arsenic if you knew him too, you white bitch.

[C]

So he says, and I'm sorry, he says, but I want you to know how much I love you and more importantly, how much I appreciated everything that you did for me. He goes, now my wife makes a mean pie, so I don't know. You make good pie.

[Brian Green]

He's referring to my pussy. Brian leans.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

First of all, she's also really stereotyping this woman who is a lovely black woman. Older woman.

[Brian Green]

Yes.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Larger. And saying, I bet you make. She makes a great pie.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Theresa's been known to do this. She's very racist, I think, if you ask me. But, you know, I guess that's an important opinion. That's never been proven in court.

[C]

Oh, if it's like a shepherd's pie or like a pecan pie or.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

It's pecan.

[C]

How do you understand that?

[Brian Green]

You understand it was a Drano pie.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Some sort of pie. Shepherds.

[Brian Green]

He didn't have taste buds at the end, all the cigarettes, smoking.

[C]

As long as you understand it, that's all I care about. And where is the brother coming that's departed or somebody like a brother, Good friend, Cousin.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Is your brother a friend or a cousin?

[Brian Green]

I shot him.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Brother or someone that's like the brother or a cousin or a friend, an uncle.

[Brian Green]

Any noun. Do you know and do you know someone that would refer to as a noun? Brother in law died recently.

[C]

Perfect. So know that. I'm very sorry.

[Brian Green]

Perfect. Thank you. Congratulations on the ducks. Yes, that.

[C]

But know that he's taken this opportunity to step forward in. Did somebody fall? Who fell? Cause I felt like I fell. And then that was.

[Brian Green]

Well, I did push Uncle Jean down the stairs, but there was an argument involved and things got a little heated. It was over my pie.

[C]

The beginning of my downfall.

[Brian Green]

The beginning of his downfall was an actual fall. It was an actual downfall. That's a little strange.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

This woman's not registered.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, no, she not. I'm not sure she's registered since 1986.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

She just shook her head no.

[Brian Green]

She just shook her head. She said no, that didn't happen.

[C]

You understand that?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

You understand that?

[Brian Green]

Do you? Next to her, do you understand that? How about two rows up and to the left? Do you understand that? Is there anybody who understands that?

[C]

Was there something that I said before that you understood?

[Brian Green]

Was there anything that I've said previously that you might have understood which included anything? Yeah, I know That's a pretty broad statement. Did you understand anything?

[C]

Told me to look at you.

[Brian Green]

Really? Yeah, yeah, really. Well, I don't like to be looked at.

[C]

Something that I said before spirit had me say to you, like, I wonder if that's my loved one.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Well, you know, I have a lot.

[Brian Green]

Of deaths that occurred in my past. And so just thinking about that, I have murdered quite a few people in the past. I'm on quite the tear. I can't stop myself. You know, it just made me think back on them.

[C]

Did somebody fall?

[Brian Green]

No, there hasn't been falls, but I guess you can interpret it like that.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

In some kind of way. Well, that woman's being generous and trying to help.

[Brian Green]

I think she's trying to. She. She doesn't. She sees that Theresa is embarrassing herself and she's trying to be nice however you can.

[C]

Cuz look, you have to understand, I read with.

[Brian Green]

Look at the two ladies behind the desk. They are like, this is so creepy. There's the two ladies that are hosting this local morning she show and they are showing a shot of the two ladies who have, by the way, since the beginning looked pretty skeptical about what's going on when they're showing shots of her right now. The look in this woman's face says all you need to know. Like we should cut this short.

[C]

Integrity.

[Brian Green]

She's cutting it short. As Ryan is still out. She is currently reading. We're going to put all of this up on our Wendy single and of course, be sure to check it out.

[C]

We don't want to interrupt her.

[Brian Green]

We want to let her do her thing. So I think this might go on for another minute.

[C]

Why do you keep making.

[Brian Green]

Hold on, let's see.

[C]

I feel like I fall and I hit my head. Then it causes all of these other things. Is that correct, ma'am? See, this is why people write things about me. I'm just saying, I say this is.

[Brian Green]

Why people love me so much. This is why AE continues to give me $750,000 a year to make my show. Show. That's the thing that pisses me off the most too, is that. And listen, there are so many television shows we can say the same about in different categories in different circumstances. We were just talking about this before we came on air. There's the fetishization of all different kinds of things in reality TV show from dating moms to, you know, people who are overweight to. But this is the worst kind is that there's people at A and E or lifetime or whatever, they must know that this is just a bunch of parlor tricks here. But yet they put them on TV and edited in a way to make it look like Teresa hits a home run 100% of the time because you're.

[C]

Not expecting it and it's very overwhelming. You thought you were going to hear from your husband more so than your father. Do you understand that? But sometimes.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Do you understand that?

[Brian Green]

Yeah, because she's just trying to. She wants them to buy in. Yeah, yeah, she wants them to buy in. And the more. And that's also why Teresa does not leave a lot of room for conversation.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

No, it's all yes or no.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, she needs to drive the narrative because the second that she lets someone else do that, she's in la la land and it doesn't work.

[C]

Need to hear from another soul before we can heal from the other losses. Do you understand that? Because your father keeps coming forward. He made me feel like I fell in the bathroom and I hit my head.

[Brian Green]

Different fall. But.

[C]

But do you understand.

[Brian Green]

You'Re wrong 100%. But you know, we can. Okay, you're not in the same ballpark, but you are in the same zip code, if you know what I mean.

[C]

And that caused all of these other disabilities and ailments, and it's almost like, oh, my God, if he never fell, none of this would have ever have happened.

[Brian Green]

She's still trying to convince someone that a fall has made their loved one die. This is the worst part of Teresa's ignorance, of her absolute ego driven ignorance, is that she makes people think something that isn't true. She just rewrote this lady's story about her husband's death. And she does this all the time. As long as she gets the win, everybody else takes the loss. Now this lady's poor lady, if she believes in this, is going to go home and think that for some reason a fall three years before her husband's death had something to do with his death. And if she had just realized that the fall, you know, I don't know, caused an aneurysm or whatever, then everything would be okay. But. But at least Theresa looks good. On local Chicago morning news, the Windy City, possibly.

[C]

So it's just possibility that we need.

[Brian Green]

Possibly not really sure. Don't really believe you.

[C]

To let go of those things. Do you understand that?

[Brian Green]

Sure. Sure, I do.

[C]

So who is the young male that's departed connected to you? Are there three of them?

[Brian Green]

There have been quite a few.

[C]

Only because I saw three soul steps forward and they made me feel like.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Are they all gonna line up. And they step forward.

[Brian Green]

Of course, Chrissy, you don't know how this works. You've never had that heavy sensation on your breath, that gagging back in your throat, legs numb, the piggy fronting right on the back of your head. Yeah, it's kind of like if, you know, when you're sleeping and Jeff sticks his morning wood into the back of your.

[C]

You know, that is carried throughout the family. Do you understand that?

[Brian Green]

Definitely.

[C]

So it's acknowledging that their souls are at peace. They don't want us to carry these burdens.

[Brian Green]

She says the same thing to every single person. She just uses different words.

[C]

Kind of like a crazy haircut or, like, they would have their head shaved and, like, have, like, different things shaved.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh, yes, that's. She did. She did that on another show where.

[Brian Green]

She profiled your casual, absolutely obvious racism is insulting and disgusting. Teresa, you are a hot racist. Oh, man. She's a terrible human being. She's a terrible human being. Do you agree with me, Christina? Are you. You picking up on this? Oh, my God. Yeah. No, I think she's. She sucks. The racism, racist stuff is just really, really grinding my ear. She's looking at this young black woman and she's like, yep. These three guys, you know, that have died, they've got something shaved in their head. I'm like, you bitch. Yeah. She's short of saying that they get shot by a gang member. You know what I'm saying? It's like she's just so fucking obviously racist.

[C]

Her head or, like, designs or something.

[Brian Green]

She's like, no, not every black person has a shaved head with a design. And by the way, it's the white people who make that look terrible. Horrible.

[C]

Do you know someone like that?

[Brian Green]

She moved to the next black person and asked him. Oh, my God.

[C]

Keep showing me, like, lightning bolts and stars. I don't know what that is in the sides of the head. Do you know someone with a crazy haircut, sir?

[Brian Green]

She's asking another black person.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Oh, my God. God.

[Brian Green]

Oh, Theresa, you are horrible. Cancel her immediately. Get her off television.

[C]

Barber. No, I make you nervous, sir?

[Brian Green]

She's like. He's like, yes, you do. You're a racist white lady with money.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

What is she doing?

[Brian Green]

She's staring at someone.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, she walked up the stairs in the audience.

[Brian Green]

Now she's getting angry with this guy because this guy refused to say that he has dead people in his life that have clearly stereotyped haircuts.

[C]

Yeah, you connect with the mom that's departed. Grandmother.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, Grandmother, uncle, aunt, brothers.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Moved on for the guy with the haircut.

[Brian Green]

Excuse me, Chrissy, I'm going through the Rolodex. Friend, Cousin, neighbor, child, aunt, uncle, dog, turtle, human being, things that breathe in this world, out of this world, in the universe. Any noun whatsoever. Told you it's my gift. Yes.

[C]

You have to understand. Understand. I'm very blessed. I still have my parents.

[Brian Green]

I wish she was here. I wish she would come on this show. I wish she would come on the show. If anybody knows Teresa Kaputa makes this happen. I swear you, I will make a sticker every other day that doesn't brown out and I will put it on your refrigerator personally.

[C]

Here in the physical world. My in laws are still here in the physical world. I only recently lost my grand grandparents. And when spirit makes me feel that I carry such a burden or the weight of the world on me and I feel like I lost a part of my soul. I think we all feel that way when we do lose a loved one. But in this case, I just felt that I wish I could have done more. Do you understand that? And we feel guilty. Look, the reason why spirit brings these things up is because when we place these burdens, we can't heal. So saying I don't want you to look back.

[Brian Green]

You know why they can't heal is cuz dumb shits like you keep on bringing it up so that you can make an extra buck on the next ticket sale or television show or shitty merch that you sell. Teresa, swear. Now I'm getting angry because I feel like now she's just. It's clear after having done this long enough with Teresa that she is so overtly racist. Racist? She's a scam artist and a fucking prejudiced human being. Yeah, and she wants us to believe that she's carrying the weight of the world. You are not carrying the weight of the world. You are white, you are racist and you are privileged. And you are making money on the backs of people who are vulnerable in shitty situations. And you're taking advantage of them by using words to confuse them about what really happened to their loved ones. Fuck. You could have been there more.

[C]

I should have done more.

[Brian Green]

Merry Christmas. Where's the Tylenol?

[C]

Should have done this. Do you understand that? Please let go of all regret. No regrets. Remember the good times. Does that make sense?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Remember the bad times. They want you to remember the bad times and feel horrible.

[Brian Green]

Remember the worst things about them. And then, you know, wake up in the morning and try and reconcile your life.

[C]

Do you understand that? We're off we're off.

[Brian Green]

Oh, oh, we're off. Oh, okay. All right. No, nevermind. Forget everything I said. Bye. See you later. Yeah, you owe me $139.76. Talk to you later. No, we just lowered your mic.

[C]

The dead people don't know off.

[Brian Green]

My one line is a classic.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

What is happening?

[Brian Green]

What is happening? Why did she. Why? Oh, they're producer cable, you know. Oh, they're lowering her mic because the other ladies are trying to do a television show, Right? The other ladies actually doing a television show. No, people want you to do. If you're.

[C]

Listen, I said I want to be 57 and £120. It ain't happening. No, but you know that. You know that. That's the. That's the thing about my gift.

[Brian Green]

Okay? I think we just. It's. It's replaying itself. Yeah, I mean, listen, what else is there to say about Teresa Caputo? She is the world's worst human being. That's all I gotta say. No mas.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Yeah. Yeah. Once again. I mean, it happens every time.

[Brian Green]

Every time. It starts off as shits and giggles, and then Brian gets all worked up because Theresa's terrible. She's a terrible fuck you. I hope this goes viral. Not for me, but for her. I hope this goes viral because we have shed light on this in the past, but I don't think that it's been quite so obvious as it was today that Teresa Caputo not only is lying to people, scamming people out of money, and doing a parlor trick, but then she's overtly racist about it, which is cheap. Just terrible. It's just terrible. And that accent and that goddamn hair. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. She's never had her bell rung before. And. And say.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

Say, I think the ghosts have gotten up in there.

[Brian Green]

Oh, yeah? Well, should they piggy front her all the time? Yeah. Who doesn't love a good piggy fronting every once in a while? And I want you to read the pipe. It does. As does a colonic too, just to let you know. Tell Jeff anytime he needs his bell rung, I'll come over there. I'll check for smooth texture. Hard points. Listen, us guys, we got to stick together, right?

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

You do have to help each other out.

[Brian Green]

It's not a sexual thing. It's not mainly a sexual thing. It's a health thing. And then it's a sexual thing. Well, we can. We can do both. Chrissy, tell Jeff we can do both.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

You can record it in your Apple health app.

[Brian Green]

Oh, if we only could if they had like a little monitor on your finger and you could just go in there, wipe the windshield and it says your bell's been rung, you're good. You're 100% less likely to get prostate cancer. Check your balls, guys. Make sure you get that prostate checked. That's all I got to say. That is an important message. And 21 EPMs will reduce your chances of cancer by an estimated 38%. 21 EPMs a month. Are you keeping up? Don't. Don't answer that question. Not on my.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

You should be.

[Brian Green]

Astrid gets angry about the sexualized text messages, so don't do that. All right. 212-4333 TCB 212-433-3822 Questions, comments, concerns, content, ideas? We are taking them all right there at that phone number. TCB podcast.com all the audio and the video. YouTube.com the commercial break for every episode of the commercial break Moving forward on YouTube and Spotify a couple of days after it comes out on Spotify. Okay, Chrissy, that's all I can do for now.

[Kristen Joy Hoadley]

I think so.

[Brian Green]

But I'll tell you that I love you. I'll say best to you and best you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, Chrissy and I will say. We do say, and we must say goodbye when it comes to hiring, don't search for great talent, Match with them thanks to Indeed. Indeed is your matching and hiring platform with over 350 million global monthly visitors, according to Indeed data, and a matching engine that helps you find qualified candidates fast. And Indeed doesn't just help you hire faster. 93% of employers agree Indeed delivers the highest quality management matches compared to other job sites, according to a recent Indeed survey, leveraging over 140 million qualifications and preferences every day. Indeed's matching engine is constantly learning from your preferences, so the more you use Indeed the better it gets. Join more than 3.5 million businesses worldwide that use Indeed to hire great talent fast. Just go to indeed.com listen right now and listeners of this show will get a $75 sponsored job credit. To get your jobs more visibility, go to indeed.com listen and tell them you heard about them from this podcast. Terms and conditions apply. Today's podcast is sponsored by Midi Health. At any given time, 61% of adult women say they want to lose weight, but for many, that's easier said than done.

[C]

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[Brian Green]

Just managing your weight, you're also supporting.

[C]

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[Brian Green]

Can overcome those weight loss plateaus toes that in the past have been so difficult to move beyond.

[C]

So if you're ready to combine the power of hormones with the power of weight loss medications, visit joinmitty.com today. Discover how this innovative approach can lead.

[Brian Green]

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[C]

That's joinmidi.com.

[Brian Green]

Sadruple Fixter have no family to celebrate Christmas with this year. The commercial break is live the entire holiday season to make you even more miserable than you currently are. So put your Christmas pajamas on, gather around the Christmas tree and listen to brand new episodes of the commercial break.