Podcast Summary: The Commercial Break

Episode: 12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)

Date: December 18, 2024
Hosts: Bryan Green, Krissy Hoadley (with guest Christina)

Overview

This festive episode of The Commercial Break dives headfirst into holiday nostalgia and mayhem. Bryan and Krissy launch into the sixth installment of their “12 Days of TCB” (accidentally 13), exploring the chaos of Christmas traditions, worst gifts ever, childhood holiday trauma, and a tongue-in-cheek rundown of the “worst” possible gifts for 2024. They blend absurd humor with heartfelt memories, poking fun at themselves, their families, and the universal struggle of finding good presents. Alongside irreverent Christmas song rewrites, stories of botched family holidays, and a roast of consumer culture, they shine a light on the importance of kindness, charity, and not taking the holidays—or themselves—too seriously.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

The 12 (or 13) Days of Christmas – Decoded & Mocked

• Bryan and Krissy attempt to recall the "12 Days of Christmas" song, going drastically off-script with their own raunchy renditions.

  • [01:19] Bryan: “Do you know the origins of the song 12 Days of Christmas?”
  • The duo sings through the list, jokingly sexualizing the lyrics: “Three French hens... if you haven’t tried a French hen in bed, you don’t even know... I hide on you like a little squatting bird...” [03:23]
  • Bryan declares: “Half of it is porn!” [07:36]

• Realizing their "12 Days" event is actually 13:

  • [00:53] “We just figured out that the 12 days of TCB is actually 13 days of TCB since we don't know how to count on a calendar.”

• The 13th day?

  • [07:37] “And the 13th day of Christmas my true love gave to me... a break from TCB!”

Favorite (Traditional & Nontraditional) Christmas Songs

• Discussion of most beloved and oddest traditional songs.

  • [09:04] Krissy: "My favorite's Rocking Around the Christmas Tree.” Bryan pokes for something more “traditional."
  • Guest Christina chimes in: “Good King Wenceslas” [09:13]
  • Bryan reminisces about learning “Little Drummer Boy” on a child’s toy instrument. [08:07]

• Amusing detour: Bryan invents a gross parody of Wham!’s “Last Christmas” for his kids:

  • [12:13] "Last Christmas I made a big poo, but the very next day, you flushed it away. This year, when it comes out my rear, I'll give it to someone special."
  • Kids love it, but Astrid (Bryan’s wife) is worried the kids will sing it at school. [13:10]

Holiday Trauma and Family Gift Fails

• Worst Gifts Ever: Roundtable Confessional

  • [17:18] Krissy: "A mirror. I got a mirror for Christmas from a guy who worked at a furniture store."
  • [18:32] Christina: "Every year, I get Band-Aids from my mom. It's a running gag. Last year, they were unicorns."
  • [20:23] Christina clarifies: “I just used to always get cuts on my fingers... I was known for having band aids.”
  • [21:24] Bryan: "Former brother-in-law gave me a subscription to Hair Club for Men and some minoxidil at 26. No idea how badly it hurt my feelings... Worst Christmas gift ever, for sure."

• Bryan’s Family Christmases: Divorced Parents, Awkward Gifts and Pizza Hut Pasta

  • His mom repeatedly gave him and his twin brother odd, outdated clothing (matching head-to-toe denim, flannel jackets) well into their twenties. [21:58]
  • Later, she switched to impractical gift certificates (Woolworth, Burlington Coat Factory). [24:48]
  • Saddest Christmas Meal: One year, post-divorce, Mom proudly served Pizza Hut pasta bowls for dinner: [27:22]
    “My mom got Pizza Hut pasta bowls for Christmas. And I'm telling you what, it was all it was cracked up to be. It was terrible.”
  • Reflection: “My mom was trying so hard to make Christmas special, and she just can't win for losing.” [27:30]
  • The hosts stress that most people, including loving parents, are “just doing the best they can with what they have at the moment.” [31:09]

Worst Christmas Gifts: 2024 Edition (with Commentary)

• Bryan and Krissy review a newly-published list of the 17 Worst Christmas Gifts (Whalehouse.ca):

  1. Coffee cup: Too many mugs already! [34:58]
  2. Walmart gift card: Underwhelming, unless you really need cozy pants. [36:08]
  3. Socks: Used to be hated, now adored (“Give me more socks!”) [36:47]
  4. Personal hygiene products: (E.g. tampons) unless it’s fancy shampoo or bath stuff. [37:33]
  5. Picture frame: Fine if there’s a thoughtful photo; empty is pointless. Digital frames win. [38:34]
  6. Ugly Christmas sweater: Overdone. [39:24]
  7. Re-gifted items: Acceptable, if done with “intention and love” or transparency. [39:49]
  8. Candles from the dollar store: Smell bad and “are bad for the environment.” [40:48]
  9. Keychains: Only kids care. [42:41]
  10. Pet as a gift: “Never get anybody a pet for Christmas unless you have talked about it with them.” [43:19]
  11. T-shirts: Only if high quality or funny. [44:30]
  12. Weight loss programs: “…That’s like your hair loss program. Worse, actually.” [45:00]
  13. Exercise equipment: Just as bad as weight loss gifts.
  14. Calendars/office supplies: “My wife loves calendars, but never wants anyone else to pick them.” [47:53]
  15. Paperweight: “Who uses paper anyway?” [48:00]
  16. Cash: Actually, Bryan says, “best gift you could possibly give,” half-jokingly suggesting a TCB Patreon. [48:28]
  17. Self-help books: “Like, maturity 101. How not to be an asshole.” [48:54]
  18. Cleaning tools: Unless it’s a Dyson. [49:21]
  • The group muses on the nuances (“Dysons are the Apples of the vacuum world!” [49:45])
  • Re-gifting, dollar stores, and family quirks are recurring riffs.

Animal Welfare and Charity Shout-out

• Mid-show, the hosts highlight the ASPCA’s importance and solicit donations.
  • [14:25] Bryan: "Despite all that we bitch about blue here around the Green household, we really are animal lovers. I saved a fucking squirrel, for God's sakes..."
  • [14:38] "ASPCA is today's charity. If you'd like to donate... help cats, dogs, and other animals find loving homes."
  • [32:09] “We just like these charities, and we hope you’ll do some good over the holiday season. Link in the show notes!”
  • Incentive: “Take a screenshot [of your donation], and we will send you some TCB swag." [32:09]

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• [03:19] Bryan (on the song):
  "What murderous decided to write this goddamn torturous song? ...Half of it is porn."
• [12:13] Bryan (singing his kid's parody):
  "Last Christmas I made a big poo, but the very next day, you flushed it away..."
• [21:24] Bryan (about the best-worst gift):
  "He gave me no shit. Like a subscription to Hair Club for Men when I was like 26 years old."
• [27:30] Bryan (on his mom’s efforts):
  "My mom was trying so hard to make Christmas special, and she just can't win for losing."
• [31:09] Bryan (on family and empathy):
  "Most people are doing the best they can with the information they have at the time that is given to them."
• [43:19] Bryan (on gifting pets):
  "Do never get anybody a pet for Christmas unless you have talked about it with them specifically."
• [49:53] Bryan (on Dysons):
  "Dyson really changed the game. They made it sexy to have a vacuum. Dyson is the Apple of vacuums, that is for sure."

Key Timestamps

• 00:40 | TCB’s “12 Days” is really 13
• 01:20 | Origins and mocking of "12 Days of Christmas"
• 07:36 | "Half of it is porn!" realization
• 12:13 | “Last Christmas (I Made a Big Poo)” song parody
• 14:25 | ASPCA and animal rescue/charity pitch
• 17:18 | Hosts share their worst gifts ever
• 21:24 | "Hair Club for Men" story
• 27:22 | Pizza Hut pasta Christmas fail
• 31:09 | Reflection on parents "doing the best they can"
• 34:58 | "Worst Christmas Gifts" list march
• 43:19 | “Never get anybody a pet for Christmas...”
• 49:53 | “Dyson is the Apple of vacuums…”

Tone & Style

• Language: Informal, irreverent, playful, sometimes crude. Bryan is especially self-deprecating and prone to long comedic riffs.
• Atmosphere: Unfiltered and genuinely funny; a holiday episode about laughing at life’s (and Christmas’s) disasters.
• Chemistry: Longtime friends, plus Christina, swap biting anecdotes and roast themselves and the world while highlighting a streak of real heart under the jokes.

Final Takeaway

The Commercial Break’s “Christmas Trauma (And Birds)” episode exemplifies the show's signature blend of sharp improv, self-aware holiday chaos, and relatable, semi-traumatizing family stories. Between mocking Christmas traditions, swapping tales of the worst gifts imaginable, and extolling the value of giving (to both people and animals in need), Bryan and Krissy make you feel less alone in your holiday weirdness—and a little more likely to avoid gifting anyone a pet, a coffee mug, or a Pizza Hut pasta bowl ever again.

For more information, to donate to the ASPCA and other charities, send screenshots and claim TCB swag, or to join the fun, listeners are reminded to visit tcbpodcast.com and follow the show on Instagram/TikTok.

End of Summary