12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Commercial Break

Episode: 12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)

Date: December 18, 2024
Hosts: Bryan Green, Krissy Hoadley (with guest Christina)

---

Overview

This festive episode of The Commercial Break dives headfirst into holiday nostalgia and mayhem. Bryan and Krissy launch into the sixth installment of their “12 Days of TCB” (accidentally 13), exploring the chaos of Christmas traditions, worst gifts ever, childhood holiday trauma, and a tongue-in-cheek rundown of the “worst” possible gifts for 2024. They blend absurd humor with heartfelt memories, poking fun at themselves, their families, and the universal struggle of finding good presents. Alongside irreverent Christmas song rewrites, stories of botched family holidays, and a roast of consumer culture, they shine a light on the importance of kindness, charity, and not taking the holidays—or themselves—too seriously.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

The 12 (or 13) Days of Christmas – Decoded & Mocked

• Bryan and Krissy attempt to recall the "12 Days of Christmas" song, going drastically off-script with their own raunchy renditions.

  • [01:19] Bryan: “Do you know the origins of the song 12 Days of Christmas?”
  • The duo sings through the list, jokingly sexualizing the lyrics: “Three French hens... if you haven’t tried a French hen in bed, you don’t even know... I hide on you like a little squatting bird...” [03:23]
  • Bryan declares: “Half of it is porn!” [07:36]

• Realizing their "12 Days" event is actually 13:

  • [00:53] “We just figured out that the 12 days of TCB is actually 13 days of TCB since we don't know how to count on a calendar.”

• The 13th day?

  • [07:37] “And the 13th day of Christmas my true love gave to me... a break from TCB!”

Favorite (Traditional & Nontraditional) Christmas Songs

• Discussion of most beloved and oddest traditional songs.

  • [09:04] Krissy: "My favorite's Rocking Around the Christmas Tree.” Bryan pokes for something more “traditional."
  • Guest Christina chimes in: “Good King Wenceslas” [09:13]
  • Bryan reminisces about learning “Little Drummer Boy” on a child’s toy instrument. [08:07]

• Amusing detour: Bryan invents a gross parody of Wham!’s “Last Christmas” for his kids:

  • [12:13] "Last Christmas I made a big poo, but the very next day, you flushed it away. This year, when it comes out my rear, I'll give it to someone special."
  • Kids love it, but Astrid (Bryan’s wife) is worried the kids will sing it at school. [13:10]

Holiday Trauma and Family Gift Fails

• Worst Gifts Ever: Roundtable Confessional

  • [17:18] Krissy: "A mirror. I got a mirror for Christmas from a guy who worked at a furniture store."
  • [18:32] Christina: "Every year, I get Band-Aids from my mom. It's a running gag. Last year, they were unicorns."
  • [20:23] Christina clarifies: “I just used to always get cuts on my fingers... I was known for having band aids.”
  • [21:24] Bryan: "Former brother-in-law gave me a subscription to Hair Club for Men and some minoxidil at 26. No idea how badly it hurt my feelings... Worst Christmas gift ever, for sure."

• Bryan’s Family Christmases: Divorced Parents, Awkward Gifts and Pizza Hut Pasta

  • His mom repeatedly gave him and his twin brother odd, outdated clothing (matching head-to-toe denim, flannel jackets) well into their twenties. [21:58]
  • Later, she switched to impractical gift certificates (Woolworth, Burlington Coat Factory). [24:48]
  • Saddest Christmas Meal: One year, post-divorce, Mom proudly served Pizza Hut pasta bowls for dinner: [27:22]
    “My mom got Pizza Hut pasta bowls for Christmas. And I'm telling you what, it was all it was cracked up to be. It was terrible.”
  • Reflection: “My mom was trying so hard to make Christmas special, and she just can't win for losing.” [27:30]
  • The hosts stress that most people, including loving parents, are “just doing the best they can with what they have at the moment.” [31:09]

Worst Christmas Gifts: 2024 Edition (with Commentary)

• Bryan and Krissy review a newly-published list of the 17 Worst Christmas Gifts (Whalehouse.ca):

  1. Coffee cup: Too many mugs already! [34:58]
  2. Walmart gift card: Underwhelming, unless you really need cozy pants. [36:08]
  3. Socks: Used to be hated, now adored (“Give me more socks!”) [36:47]
  4. Personal hygiene products: (E.g. tampons) unless it’s fancy shampoo or bath stuff. [37:33]
  5. Picture frame: Fine if there’s a thoughtful photo; empty is pointless. Digital frames win. [38:34]
  6. Ugly Christmas sweater: Overdone. [39:24]
  7. Re-gifted items: Acceptable, if done with “intention and love” or transparency. [39:49]
  8. Candles from the dollar store: Smell bad and “are bad for the environment.” [40:48]
  9. Keychains: Only kids care. [42:41]
  10. Pet as a gift: “Never get anybody a pet for Christmas unless you have talked about it with them.” [43:19]
  11. T-shirts: Only if high quality or funny. [44:30]
  12. Weight loss programs: “…That’s like your hair loss program. Worse, actually.” [45:00]
  13. Exercise equipment: Just as bad as weight loss gifts.
  14. Calendars/office supplies: “My wife loves calendars, but never wants anyone else to pick them.” [47:53]
  15. Paperweight: “Who uses paper anyway?” [48:00]
  16. Cash: Actually, Bryan says, “best gift you could possibly give,” half-jokingly suggesting a TCB Patreon. [48:28]
  17. Self-help books: “Like, maturity 101. How not to be an asshole.” [48:54]
  18. Cleaning tools: Unless it’s a Dyson. [49:21]
  • The group muses on the nuances (“Dysons are the Apples of the vacuum world!” [49:45])
  • Re-gifting, dollar stores, and family quirks are recurring riffs.

Animal Welfare and Charity Shout-out

• Mid-show, the hosts highlight the ASPCA’s importance and solicit donations.
  • [14:25] Bryan: "Despite all that we bitch about blue here around the Green household, we really are animal lovers. I saved a fucking squirrel, for God's sakes..."
  • [14:38] "ASPCA is today's charity. If you'd like to donate... help cats, dogs, and other animals find loving homes."
  • [32:09] “We just like these charities, and we hope you’ll do some good over the holiday season. Link in the show notes!”
  • Incentive: “Take a screenshot [of your donation], and we will send you some TCB swag." [32:09]

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• [03:19] Bryan (on the song):
  "What murderous decided to write this goddamn torturous song? ...Half of it is porn."
• [12:13] Bryan (singing his kid's parody):
  "Last Christmas I made a big poo, but the very next day, you flushed it away..."
• [21:24] Bryan (about the best-worst gift):
  "He gave me no shit. Like a subscription to Hair Club for Men when I was like 26 years old."
• [27:30] Bryan (on his mom’s efforts):
  "My mom was trying so hard to make Christmas special, and she just can't win for losing."
• [31:09] Bryan (on family and empathy):
  "Most people are doing the best they can with the information they have at the time that is given to them."
• [43:19] Bryan (on gifting pets):
  "Do never get anybody a pet for Christmas unless you have talked about it with them specifically."
• [49:53] Bryan (on Dysons):
  "Dyson really changed the game. They made it sexy to have a vacuum. Dyson is the Apple of vacuums, that is for sure."

---

Key Timestamps

• 00:40 | TCB’s “12 Days” is really 13
• 01:20 | Origins and mocking of "12 Days of Christmas"
• 07:36 | "Half of it is porn!" realization
• 12:13 | “Last Christmas (I Made a Big Poo)” song parody
• 14:25 | ASPCA and animal rescue/charity pitch
• 17:18 | Hosts share their worst gifts ever
• 21:24 | "Hair Club for Men" story
• 27:22 | Pizza Hut pasta Christmas fail
• 31:09 | Reflection on parents "doing the best they can"
• 34:58 | "Worst Christmas Gifts" list march
• 43:19 | “Never get anybody a pet for Christmas...”
• 49:53 | “Dyson is the Apple of vacuums…”

---

Tone & Style

• Language: Informal, irreverent, playful, sometimes crude. Bryan is especially self-deprecating and prone to long comedic riffs.
• Atmosphere: Unfiltered and genuinely funny; a holiday episode about laughing at life’s (and Christmas’s) disasters.
• Chemistry: Longtime friends, plus Christina, swap biting anecdotes and roast themselves and the world while highlighting a streak of real heart under the jokes.

---

Final Takeaway

The Commercial Break’s “Christmas Trauma (And Birds)” episode exemplifies the show's signature blend of sharp improv, self-aware holiday chaos, and relatable, semi-traumatizing family stories. Between mocking Christmas traditions, swapping tales of the worst gifts imaginable, and extolling the value of giving (to both people and animals in need), Bryan and Krissy make you feel less alone in your holiday weirdness—and a little more likely to avoid gifting anyone a pet, a coffee mug, or a Pizza Hut pasta bowl ever again.

---

For more information, to donate to the ASPCA and other charities, send screenshots and claim TCB swag, or to join the fun, listeners are reminded to visit tcbpodcast.com and follow the show on Instagram/TikTok.

---

End of Summary

Transcript

[A]

I will be home for Christmas. The next episode of the commercial break starts now. Load. Ah, yeah. Cats and kittens, welcome Back to the 12 days of TCB. I'm Brian Green. This is the Uncle Eddie to my Russ, Kristen Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Chris. Best to you, Brian, and best to you out there in the podcast universe. Here we are yet again in the studio helping you through the holiday season. I don't know how, but there's in some way, shape or form. I'm sure we're helping.

[B]

Let us think that we're helping.

[A]

Yeah, well, I mean, if people donate to our causes, then we're definitely helping, that's for sure. How else are we helping? I. I don't know. We're just putting more. We're putting more downloads into the universe for people to absorb. There you go. Thanks for joining us, Chrissy. Do you know the origins of the 12 days, by the way? We just figured out that the 12 days of TCB is actually 13 days of TCB since we don't know how to count on a calendar. So you're getting an extra episode. We'll actually be doing 13 days. Halfway through the 12 days of Christmas, we realize that it's 13 days of tcb. Do you know the origins of the song 12 days of Christmas?

[B]

No, I don't think that I do.

[A]

I don't think I do either. Let's learn together. Let's get learned. The best known English version was printed in the Mirth Without Mischief, a children's book published in London in the 1780s. Something about the northern castle of Newcastle and the Tyne and the partridge and the pear tree and all that other stuff. But can. Here's the more important question. Can you name the 12 days of Christmas?

[B]

Oh, gosh.

[A]

Come on. I know you can do it.

[B]

Well, partridge in a pear tree.

[A]

Okay. That's the easy one.

[B]

Okay. I mean, I'd have to kind of sing it.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

On the first day of Christmas my.

[A]

True love gave to me Partridge in.

[B]

A pear tree on the second day of Christmas my true love gave to.

[A]

Me Two doves, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree okay.

[B]

The third one is French. French horn, French horn, French hens.

[A]

On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me Three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree on the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me A diamond ring Four calling birds, three French hens two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree on the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me what is it? Five diamond rings.

[B]

I knew there were rings in there.

[A]

Four calling birds, three French hens two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree four. On the sixth day of Christmas. Which would be today on the TCB. There's no 13 days. We're gonna make up the 13th day. On the sixth day of Christmas my.

[B]

True love gave to me six flying nuns.

[A]

Oh, flying nuns. Six geese a laying, by the way. What? Six geese a laying. Only in Old English is geese a laying Geese a laying an egg.

[C]

Well, I was thinking that's a two for one deal.

[A]

Yeah. Six geese and a laying. Oh. Six geese and a laying there. Laying five golden rings Four calling birds, three French hens Two turtle doves and a partridge and a pear tree on the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me I don't know. Seven swans a swimming Six geese a laying Five golden rings Four calling birds three French hens Two turtle doves and a partridge and a pear tree who? What? Murderous. Decided to write this goddamn torturous song. And now why am I singing it? Because I really don't know the lyrics. And I'm so interested to hear them. On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me Eight rocks. I think this is some pervert that made this up. Listen to this one. Eight maids a milking Seven swans a swimming Seven semen X's swimming Six geese a laying Five golden rings Showers Four calling birds as in birds, women, three French hens. We all know what that is. I mean, if you haven't tried a French hen in bed, then you don't even know. I've been French henning. I've been French hen and Astrid for years. That's how this gringo got Astrid. She was like, what is that? And I was like, that is the French hen. I hide on you like a little squatting bird I twaddle my wings as I bounce on top of you and I give myself a blowjob It's a French horn. A French hen. Okay, so that's it. So we've got eight mills of making Eight maids of milking Seven swans a swimming Six geese a laying Five golden rings Four calling birds Three French hens Two turtledoves and a partridge in a pear tree. Oh, this guy's definitely a pervert. Listen to this one. On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me Nine strippers dancing Nine ladies dancing Nine ladies dancing this is a porno song. Nine ladies dancing Eight maids of milking Six swans a swimming Six geese getting laid Four golden rings Four calling birds Three French horns Two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree now here we round the corner and for sure without any doubt this is perverted. On the 11th day of Chris. On the 10th day of Christmas oh, my true love gave to me what? Well, I didn't know the 1780s were quite so liberal, but here we go. Ten lords a leaping.

[B]

Yeah. Lord's leaping.

[A]

Oh, if you try a French horn with a lord leaping. If you're a leaping lord that tries a French horn, you're a bottom and you know all about it. All right. Ten lords a leaping Nine ladies dancing Eight maids a milking Seven swans a swimming Six geese a laying Five golden rings Four calling birds, three French hens Two turtle doves and a partridge and a prayer tree but on the 11th day of Christmas my true love gave to me more porno things. 11 pipers piping, laying pipe 11 pipers laying pipe 11 pipers piping 10 lords a leaping 9 ladies dancing 8 maids a milking, 7 swans a swimming 6 geese a laying 5 golden rings 4 calling birds, 3 French hens 2 turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree all right, well, I guess they have to finale. They can't end it in porn, so they. They go back to something more Christmassy. On the 12th day of Christmas my true love gave to me 12 drummers drumming, 11 pipers piping 10 lords a leaping 9 ladies dancing 8 maids, 7 swans a swimming 6 geese a laying 5 golden rings, 4 golden birds 3 french hens 2 turtle ducks and a partridge and a pear tree Dun, dun, dun. All right. I think that's the first time I've ever sung that song, ever. Ever. That's the first time I've ever known what's in it. And now I'm realizing half of it is porn.

[B]

It is.

[A]

That's what it is.

[B]

What's the 13th?

[A]

Well, okay. And the 13th day of Christmas my true love gave to me A break from tc.

[B]

That's the gift that keeps on giving.

[A]

12 drummers drumming, 11 people laying pipe 10 lords leaping over each other nine lies. All right, okay, that's it. There's the 12 days of Christmas.

[B]

I'm glad you reminded me. I remember learning it when I was small, but I can't. I did not remember everything.

[A]

Yeah, I remember doing the Christmas, like, recital, you know, And I. I remember Little Drummer Boy became a favorite song of mine because I learned how to play it on the. On the. What do they call that.

[B]

The drum?

[A]

No, the accordion. But it's not an accordion. It's like a keyboard. Is it a harpoon or. A harpoon or. Oh, a recorder. A recorder. Oh, the recorder where you press the button and you strum and then it.

[B]

No, the recorder was. The little flute thing.

[A]

No. Okay. That's a different thing. It's a little like a harpsichord. Maybe it's a harpsichord, but you would just press the button and it would make a key, but it had the names of the keys on it. So it's made for little children to play. It wasn't like some complicated thing. It was like you press this button or that button and then you strum it and it made a certain noise. And so we learned how to play Little Drummer Boy, which really has one note in it the entire time. I mean, it's not that hard to play, but. Little Drummer Boy, what's the best Christmas song? Traditional Christmas song.

[B]

Oh, I like. My favorite's Rocking around the Christmas Tree.

[A]

I don't know if that's a traditional. Think of like a Judeo Christian Christmas song.

[C]

Good King wins his loss.

[A]

That's a good one. Good King's a good one. I like that one. I think Little Drummer Boy is my favorite. But then of course, there's. Is Ave Maria. Would that be considered a Christmas song? Maybe. Probably.

[B]

We should ask Jeff's mom.

[A]

Jeff's mom. Why does she.

[B]

Her name's Ave Maria.

[A]

Her name's Ave Maria?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Her name is Ave Maria. Really? So you call her Ave or you call her Maria?

[B]

Call her a.

[A]

You call her A? Wow, that's really. That's really intense.

[B]

They're a very Catholic family.

[C]

Have you guys heard the rendition of Ave Maria? Sort of a different style by David Biesbal?

[A]

I don't think so. David Beesball.

[C]

Bisball.

[A]

Bisball, yeah.

[C]

He's a Latin American artist and it's. It's very party forward. It's Ave. Ave Maria.

[B]

Nice.

[C]

And there. I love his music videos. I love the dancing.

[B]

There's some good versions.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

David Beesball. David Beesball, Cuban, professional baseball player. Guess I'm not talking about the same. Not that one. Not the same one.

[B]

The other one.

[A]

Hold on one second. Okay, give me one second. Christmas song list. Okay, let me give you a list of songs. You tell me which one you like the best. You tell me which ones you're. You're partial to. You ready?

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Okay, here we go.

[B]

Do it.

[A]

The Christmas song by Nat King Cole. Feliz Navidad, Jose Feliciano, which is a favorite around my house.

[B]

Yes. I love that one.

[A]

White Christmas by Bing Crosby. Deck the Halls, Frank Sinatra. Do you hear what I hear? Bing Crosby, which is a great one. Jingle Bells by Frank Sinatra. Although I don't really think of Frank as, like a Christmas kind of guy. I think more of him is, like breaking my legs in a dark alley kind of guy. But okay, Here comes Santa Claus by Gene Autry. But Santa Claus is Coming to Town by Bruce Springsteen. In my opinion, is Santa Claus coming to town? If we're really at a Bruce Springsteen show that goes on for three hours. Hey, but sing it again, Clarence. Another Saxon. Santa Claus Come New Jersey Santa, baby. Eartha Kitt. Mm.

[B]

Those are all classics, Santa.

[A]

Do they know it's Christmas Wham.

[B]

Ah, that one from Wham.

[A]

Well, I mean, there's the other one by Wham too. Last Christmas, Last Christmas. Which one of my kids is incessantly singing.

[B]

I love that song.

[A]

And so the other day, he was incessantly singing it. And you have to. If you know me, then you know that I. If you know me, and that means listen to more than three seconds of the commercial break. Then you know, I'm a bit of an oddball, a little bit of a goofball. And when I sing songs or I hear them repeatedly, I start making up my own lyrics. Usually those turn into comedy. And usually pooper pee is the first thing I go to because I'm a 3 year old in my mind. So he's like. So he. My kid, one of my kids goes to the bathroom, he uses the restroom. He comes out of the restroom and I go, oh, number one or number two? And he's like, oh, it's, you know, number two. I go, oh, okay. I was like. So he starts singing, last Christmas. I go, last Christmas I made a big poo, but the very next day, you flushed it away. This year, when it comes out my rear, I'll give it to someone special.

[B]

Okay, what did he think?

[A]

Well, it's the best thing that has happened ever. Like, dad made up the best song ever, and now he's singing it. Can we make a video? Of course we can. And this is all happening around bath time, right? I have very young children, so everyone, I need to help them with bath time.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Really do all of it. And it's fun. And we're having fun. This is going on for, like, 30 minutes. I am embedding this song into his head, into a kid who remembers everything. He's an elephant. He remembers everything. So he runs down to go have dinner Dinner's on the table and I'm getting changed, whatever. And all of a sudden I hear Brian Green. And I'm like, oh, she found my Instagram search page. I'm like, oh. And I'm like, what? And she's like, don't. Don't you. Could you. You cannot be telling these kids these songs are going to go to school and then they're going to get in trouble. Everyone's going to get in trouble. And I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no. He's just fun. And I got so. I'm like, listen, kid, this song is for this house and this house only. You cannot repeat this. So let's just get it out of our head. Let's sing the regular version, which is also a little weird too, but okay. Wham. Like we're going to sing Wham. Okay, the Wham version. He says, okay. So last night about Password, going to bed, one of my daughters starts singing the exact same song to Astron. And Astrid's like, I told you they're all going to get kicked out of school. And I'm like, ah, Little Pee and Little Poo. It's never anybody. I mean, listen, my son will be the hero of his very young age classroom if he sings that song and he does it well. Do you know what I'm saying? I do for sure. All right. Despite all that we bitch about blue here around the Green household, we really are animal lovers. I saved a fucking squirrel, for God's sakes. A baby squirrel which carries hepatitis or something like that. I went to great lengths to save that squirrel. I drove in the rain 20 miles in my air conditioned car to get that squirrel to safety. Now listen to me. The ASPCA does a great deal of good. And while they have those terrible commercials that everyone hates, there's a good reason why they tug at your heartstrings. So they can save animals. Animals and make sure that these animals, even when they're left abandoned by who do not understand the responsibility of having an animal. They try and make sure that they get to good homes and do the best they can to do that in a no kill way. The ASPCA is today's charity. Now some of you have written in and talked about this also. So we are going to give it a little love. If you would like to donate to the ASPCA and help cats, dogs and other animals find loving homes and stay out of the kill shelters. And I'm not saying they never get put down because that, that is just not a reality of life, but help them find a good home, give them some cash so that they can do well and make sure that these animals get saved, especially after disasters. This is the one thing that really sucks is that if you're in a disaster and you're choosing, you want to keep your animal with you. But life circumstances, it's either you or your animal. There are tough choices need to be made. The ASPA ASPCA can come in and help in those situations. They do do a lot of good. Please help us by donating to them. Link in the show notes and if you donate to any of our causes, send a screenshot. We will send you some swag. With love from Chrissy, Christina, Astrid and I, we'll take a break and we'll be back.

[C]

Holidays getting you down. Family acting out of pocket. Text us and tell us all about it at 212-4333, TCB or leave us a voicemail with all of the unhinged and or spicy details. And then follow us on Instagram at the commercial break and on TikTokCBpodcast. If you need a laugh or an escape, you can always escape for a full hour and watch our YouTube videos at YouTube.com thecommercialbreak while you simultaneously peruse our website tcbpodcast.com to find out all there is to know about Brian and Chrissy. Now let's hear from our sponsors so we can afford the holidays this year.

[A]

Okay. And we're back. Okay. Tell me the worst Christmas gift you have ever received.

[B]

The worst Christmas gift?

[A]

Be honest. You gotta let them know.

[B]

I think a mirror.

[A]

You got a mirror for Christmas?

[B]

I did one time. Yeah.

[A]

From a guy.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Oh, no. Oh, no. Like, take a look at yourself before you leave.

[B]

It was like a fancy mirror.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And he was working at a furniture store at the time, and I was in high school, so. But it was kind of, you know, that is maybe not the best present.

[A]

And what did you interpret that mirror to mean? What was the symbolism? Like, take a look at yourself before you leave the house or something. Take a look in the mirror.

[B]

I mean, it was like, I said it was a nice mirror, but that just popped in my head when you asked me.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I mean, my. My least favorite one.

[A]

That's your least favorite?

[B]

I didn't think it had any kind of crazy meaning behind it, but I think he just happened to work in a furniture store and get it.

[A]

Yeah. I wonder what's going through your head. Like a nice chair or a nice couch. A love seat. Everybody needs A good end table, Right? Don't we all need a good end table? I do. I don't know. And then you pick the mirror. That is kind of a weird choice, but it's certainly a man choice. Like, it's a choice from a guy who probably doesn't, you know, I don't know, doesn't have much. Anything else. Was he the kind of guy who would spend most of the afternoon on Sunday watching football?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Okay, there you go. Just checking. Christina, Worst gift you've ever received.

[C]

Well, let's see. Every single year, I get band aids from my family.

[B]

Oh, bandaids.

[C]

My mom gives me a pack of band aids, like, as a stocking sticker. Yeah.

[B]

But it can always use band aids.

[C]

They're very handy. But like, every year I'm like, what kind of band aids am I gonna get now?

[B]

It's a thing.

[C]

Yeah, like, I mean, last year, I think they were unicorns. Oh, you got.

[A]

Oh, she gets you, like playbands.

[C]

No, I mean, no, they're real Band aids and I really use them. Yeah, but they're like, for kids. So. Last year I was in charge of my mother's stocking and I gave her band aids.

[A]

Well, then there you go. She got her comeuppance. I. Band aids have become quite the commodity.

[B]

In this household, for sure.

[A]

In your house, we have 10 boxes of different charactered band aids. And if one kid gets a boo boo, and I mean the smallest of boo boos, one that does not even. I keep on explaining to them, band aids are for blood. Band aids are for blood. If there's no blood, there's no need for a band aid. That doesn't fix a bruise. It doesn't fix a bruised ego. It doesn't fix that your brother kicked you in the ribs. It doesn't fix that kind of stuff. But it doesn't matter to their little minds because all they care about is having, you know, hello Kitty or whatever it is on their. On their body. It doesn't last but five seconds because they always rip it off right away. And then they play with it and eat it and stick it in their hair and all this shit. How many hundreds of boxes of character related band aids have we gone through in this house? Because when one kid gets a boo boo, all of them have a boo boo. They're all, you know, someone will come to me, Daddy got a boo boo.

[B]

I mean, it's a. Christina. If you, you know, have extra band.

[A]

Aids, give them to our house is.

[B]

A good take for them.

[A]

That's right.

[C]

Well, funnily enough, it started because I was a kid, I used to use so many band aids.

[A]

Why?

[C]

I just. I just used to always get cuts on my fingers.

[A]

And so you would just. So you were known for the.

[C]

Yeah, I was known for having band aids.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

All right. So your mom's just. Your mom' getting back at you for years.

[C]

Just never forgot it.

[A]

Yeah, that's right. I would say the worst gift that I have gotten. And I think we may have had this question, like back in season number one when we were doing like a fish that fishbowl thing where we were pulling questions out of there. I think the worst gift. I know the worst gift I have ever gotten was for my former brother in law. Former brother in law who was one of my favorite humans on earth. His name was Charles. And he was a gay man. And he was a very fashionable gay man. French aristocrat, high society gay man. Always dressed dressing nice, always looking nice, always smelling wonderful. And he gave me no shit. Like a subscription to Hair Club for Men when I was like 26 years old. As well as some like peroxide shit that you put on your head. Minoxidil. He got that for me as a gift. And he had no idea how badly this hurt my feelings. No idea. He was like, what? I know you want to look good, so I'm just helping you. And I'm like, helping me what? Grow back my receding hairline? And he's like, well, it's no secret, Brian. Everybody's like, thanks, Charles, I appreciate it. Worst Christmas gift ever, for sure. But. And I think probably in a couple of days we'll get her on the phone. But. But my mom is certainly the is. She's an equal opportunity destroyer of hopes and dreams around Christmas gifts. Because my mother has got to be the worst gift giver consistently.

[B]

Really?

[A]

On a consistent basis. Yes. Let me give you an example. I am 25, 26 years old. Remember, I have a twin brother. I'm 25, 26 years old. So that would have been Sometime in the 2000s. Right? Sometime in the 2000s. Long after 1982 has gone. But my mom was still pandering under the delusion that I was like a four year old boy. Because when I opened up her gift, her big gift to me was a full head to toe jean outfit, jean jacket, jean shirt, pair of jeans, you know, white socks, white crew socks. And she was like, you can pinch roll them like they were acid Washington. She's like, you can pinch roll them. And I'm like, Pinch roll them. Mom. No one pinch rolls anymore. What are you talking about? That jean jacket, Chrissy, was the ugliest thing I had ever seen in my entire life. But what was made worse was when Kevin opened up his gift to realize that he got the exact same outfit.

[B]

Oh, matching.

[A]

Yes. So Kevin and I had matching jean outfits. Now, sweet. We humor. We use it a lot to defuse emotional situations in my family. And Kevin and I were running a little hot that my mom had decided to get us jean. So we kept a lot, you know, so we made a big joke out about it. You know, jean jackets. Mom don't get jean jackets. You don't get jean jackets. That's not what happens. The very next year, my mom decided. My mom decided to go to Kohl's and get Kevin and I flannel jackets. Flannel jackets, like the kind you wear to chop wood. Do you know what I'm saying? Not the stylish kind, but the kind you use to chop wood with thick corduroy pants. So now we look like true woodsmen. And it wasn't just me who got it. It was Kevin who got it. So the year number two, my mom fails.

[B]

Year number clothing gifts are. Are tricky.

[A]

Yes. You know, they are year number three, I think we each got a carton of cigarettes with a brand new ashtray because your mom's helping you die.

[B]

And then you used that.

[A]

I already got a six pack of Bud Light one year. I think that's what I got for my mom. And then eventually my mom wised up that, you know, she was trying to pick us fashion choices. Listen, when you're a mother, you'll always be a mother. When you're a father, you'll always be a father. You're always going to want to dress your babies. I'm sure that that's true. I'll know that when I. When I, you know, when I'm 72 and my kids are 9, I'll realize that. But what my mom wised up to was, why don't I just give the boys gift certificates so that they can go and do their own thing? Great call. Unless mom gets us gift certificates to, like, you know, what was the store? Woolworth. Do you remember that store? Woolworth.

[B]

Woolworth.

[A]

Anymore?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yes. There was like one in the greater Chicagoland area. And I don't know how she got these gifts. I think she asked my grandma to send them to us. Woolworth. Where am I gonna get. And then one time, it was the Burlington Coat Factory. The Burlington Coat Factory.

[B]

Mom, I remember that place.

[A]

Is that where all the kids are getting cool cloth clothing is? The Burlington Coat Factory? Of course. My mom was always known to make, like, super special. Listen, Christmas was such a special time when we were very young children. Then our parents divorced. Like, a lot of parents do divorce for a lot of different reasons. And when they divorced, my mom went to live in an apartment and my dad stayed in the house. And, you know, so my dad did his best to make the Christmases special, and my mom did her best to make the Christmases special. But I think when they weren't together teaming up to make the Christmases special, it just. Something got lost. So my mom would decorate her apartment. She had this fake tree that would bend at an angle, you know, and, like, tinsel and stuff like that. So it lost its luster just a little bit. And I'll tell you when I think it really kind of like, it hit me that it's lost its luster was one year. I think this is the same year that we got the cigarettes in the ashtray. We come in, it's Christmas Eve, and my mom has got the oven on, and it smells good in the house.

[B]

And that was different.

[A]

That was different, yes. Because my mom. It never smelled good when my mom was cooking, God bless her soul. But it smelled good. And so I was like, I wonder what we're having. It smells. Doesn't smell like traditional Christmas food.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And my mom says, it's a surprise. I know you're gonna love it. I know you kids are gonna love this. I've been thinking about this for weeks. I made a decision. I'm gonna go with it. I know you don't always love my cooking. It's there. You're gonna love it. We all sit down for dinner, and my mom pulls out trays from the oven that had been warm, two of them separately. And she puts them on the table, and they are these tins with the cardboard top, and both the cardboard tops say Pizza Hut pasta. My mom got Pizza Hut pasta bowls for Christmas. And I'm telling you what, it was all it was cracked up to be. It was terrible. It was like the Pizza Hut cooking pasta bowls. I mean, you would think, how hard is pasta to up? If you're making the pizza, you can make the pasta. No, but I didn't see any pots of boiling water over at Pizza Hut when I went there. I mean, I don't think those were coming in the door fresh. It was terrible. And it was just like the. To me, it was a Bit of a sad moment. Funny, but a bit of a sad moment.

[B]

She was trying.

[A]

Cause I was like, my mom's trying so hard to make Christmases special, and she just can't win for losing. I mean, it's like, absolutely has destroyed any notion that Christmas is special anyway by freaking. And I go, mom. And she goes. And she goes, you don't like it? And I'm like, it's Pizza Hut for Christmas. And I go, I know. Like, you know, Okay, I appreciate the effort, mom, but how did you even think of this idea? And she's like, well, I called him and I asked him if they were open on Christmas Eve, and they said yes. And I thought, great, let's do pasta from pizza. I saw a commercial. It looked great.

[B]

They do make it look good on the commercials.

[A]

Listen. They do make it look great on the commercials, because that's what the people on who make the commercials are paid to do.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

They're not getting their pasta from Pizza Hut. They have professional chefs that do that shit. There is no pasta chef at Pizza Hut. I can guarantee.

[B]

And why they do not have those pasta bowls anymore.

[A]

Yeah, but now Domino's does. Yeah. I think it's just makes its way around the pizza universe.

[B]

I think there's a roast impossible.

[A]

That's right. I think there's a company who makes pasta bowls for pizza places, and they win the big contract and realize that it's a loser, and then they move on to the next big pizza brand. It's like, you know, one moment Pizza Hut has it, the next minute Domino's has it. Little Caesars is next. Little Caesars pizza bowl. That's why I can appreciate a Little Caesar. Listen, if I'm gonna have pizza on the holidays, which is not the worst idea in the world, we've already determined that Brian is not a big fan of the traditional clucking and chucking dinner with ham and turkey. That gives you salmonella. I'm okay doing a taco Christmas. I'm okay doing a pizza Christmas. And one year, make it fun. One year, we did our own pizzas, and we cooked them in a pizza oven at my dad's house. That was fantastic. I'm okay with that. But let's not go to Pizza Hut for Christmas Eve. If I'm gonna have a pizza on Christmas Eve, I'm gonna have a pizza from one of the, like, the boutique pizza places around here.

[B]

Well, there's tons of them now, but maybe back then, there weren't that many.

[A]

No, there was like, you know, everybody in every city around the world has a Antonio's Pizza or Tony Romo's Pizza or Bob's Pizza. You know those pizza places that have been in your neighborhood for years, but you don't know anybody who' gone there. But on Friday nights there's a lot of cars out front. Yeah, everybody has one of those pizza places and has forever and ever. But it isn't until very recently, and I think Atlanta might have been one of the places that started this trend to have these very boutique pizza places that have, you know, wood fired ovens. I had flown in in a helicopter from Italy for 700. Yeah. From Sicily. That, that is not old. That we just flew it in from Sicily. And those are the kind of places where if you're gonna get pizza for. For Christmas Eve, let's do a pizza for that kind of place. Now I do have to say Pizza Hut when I was a kid was the better of all the options, in my opinion. That was my personal opinion. Like, I would rather do Pizza Hut than the other guys. So. But in the worst part about that particular dinner, that particular feast was not that they, my mom had decided to get Pizza Hut, it's that there was no pizza from Pizza Hut.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That could have come along with it.

[B]

With like at least a box of pizza.

[A]

But here's the good news. We got lots of cigarettes to smoke. So at the end of the day, beer to drink. So at the end of the day.

[B]

Yeah, you make the most of it. That's what you have to do. And you have to, you know, when you get older too, you look back at stuff that happened when you were younger with your parents and you're like, they were doing the best they could.

[A]

Well, here's my belief generally in life. Most people are doing the best they can with the information they have at the time that is given to them. I just think that's true of most human beings. We're just doing the best we can with the information we have in the moment that we have it and that's it. And I. There's no knock on my mom. My mom was a single mother. And yes, a single mother of mainly adult children. But that's still a feat. Like you still have to. Yeah, she held down a job. She. I mean, my mom is a rock star in a lot of weight. Look, she made me. And I'm doing 12 days of TCB, which actually is 13 days of TCB. Okay, maybe we weren't all that great at math, but I'm telling you what Pizza Hut or no Pizza Hut. My mom was trying and for that I give her credit. And now with the grandkids, she just loves to get them toys. And with the grandkids, she's doing so much. I've noticed that my parents are doing so much better with the grandkids than they ever did with me. I guess that's how therapists to stay in business, huh?

[B]

Yeah, it's just, I think easier. They're not your own kids.

[A]

Oh, yes, for sure. All right, let's do this. We're gonna take a break in just one second. But I wanted to remind you, the ASPCA doing good for animals all around the United States and beyond. So do us a favor. There's a link in the show note if you would go donate to the aspca. And if you do and you want some swag, you can go ahead and take a screenshot of your donation and we will send you some swag. Some TCB swag. And please understand, we have not. We do not get in the middle of this. We're just putting the link on the website. It goes directly to their website. We are incentivized in no way. We haven't even communicated. We haven't even communicated.

[B]

No. We just like these charities.

[A]

We just like these charities. And we hope you'll do some good over the holiday season. Okay, we'll take a break. We'll be back.

[B]

Hi.

[C]

You know what time it is, so let's get to it. Pull that phone out of your pocket and follow us on Instagram at the commercial break and on TikTok for now, I guess, CVpodcast. You can also find all of our video content that we're filming in our brand new [e-mail] TheCommercialBreak so check it out and throw us a follow a like a comment, whatever you can spare. If you want to get in touch with us, you can always text us or call us and leave us a voicemail at 212-4333, TCB. Now I have one last request. During the 12 org 263 days of TCB, check out our featured charities and donate to them if you can this holiday season. All right, let's take a listen to our sponsors and get back to the show.

[A]

All right. And we're back. Okay.

[B]

You know, I don't want pizza now.

[A]

Oh, man, when I love some pizza. But we have. I know, but we have pizza so much around this house because the kids, you know, they're kids, they love pizza.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And so we have pizza at least. At least once every 10 days, there's pizza of some brand or variety, whether that be frozen pizza, we go out for pizza, or, you know, so I do want pizza. But then part of me is like, I already have a lot of pizza in my diet. I'm not sure my cardiologist is going to appreciate that. Here's the reason why I ask you about the worst Christmas gift ever. Because they've put out the traditional annual list of worst gifts for 2024 to get.

[B]

Is this from Town and Country?

[A]

This is not from Town and Country. This is from Whale House.

[B]

Oh, Whale House.

[A]

Good old Whale House. That was good. You saw that one right on the corner, you were like, I like that one. All right, ready?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I think this is the worst. Yeah. The 17 worst Christmas gifts as per whalehouse. Ca. Here we go. Yeah, don't ask me. I just found it. I thought it was interesting. I was reading through it. Okay, number one, a coffee cup. I can agree with this wholeheartedly.

[B]

Yeah, don't get me. There's too many coffee cups out there.

[A]

Listen, I drink tea. Every night, I drink tea. It's easy on my throat, my belly. I like it. There's no caffeine. Calms me down because I need calming down a lot. And through the years, people have gotten me coffee cups, teacups. Right. Throughout the years. It's wonderful. But now I have a hundred of them. I don't need another one. I honestly don't. And that's just the last time we.

[B]

Moved, I purged a bunch of them, even if they were kind of special. Yeah, there's too many.

[A]

Let's be real. Has anybody ever really said, I want a coffee cup for Christmas? I mean. Yeah, unless it's a fancy one. Now, one of my family members this year for Christmas wants one of those fancy ones that heat themselves up like you put them on the little thing and they heat themselves up and stay happy.

[B]

Okay, I'll take a yeti any day.

[A]

Oh, yeah, well. Yeah. Yeah, yeti. Well, get me one of those other ones. What are those? Those ones everyone's killing each other that have a bunch of lead in them. Stanley. Yeah, I guess we're over the Stanleys now. Are we over the Stanleys now that there's lead in them? Okay, just checking. Number two. Walmart gift card. Mom, Walmart gift card. Actually, I don't think this is the worst gift ever.

[B]

Say, you really got attached to those pants.

[A]

You got those pants. I was wearing those yesterday. Those pants are the. I knew those were Them fucking cozy house pants I've ever had.

[B]

There you go.

[A]

From Walmart, not from Lululemon, which also makes a great. Of course they do. They're 600 a piece, but also makes a great, you know, sweatpant, whatever you want to call lounge pant, whatever you want to call it. Jogger, Jogger. I'm telling you what. Those random ass pants I found in a Walmart and Bum, South Carolina were some of the best pants, and I had to work for those because they didn't have many in my size.

[B]

I remember the story.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

All right. Number three, socks. And this is something that was always in my stocking. Always, always, always was socks. Now, if you would have asked me 10 years ago, I would have said, please stop giving me fucking socks. If you ask me now, please give me more socks. I am in love with a cozy pair of socks. Me too.

[B]

I'm wearing some special ones today, in.

[A]

Fact, ones that do not get holes in them. I'm wearing socks from a company called Clover, which is why they have the clover on the bottom and they are incredible and they don't ruin. You know, I've bought them from like, like sock companies that are supposed to be reputable, and then three months later, they have holes in the bomb.

[C]

Really?

[A]

And I don't wear socks. Like, I'm not wearing.

[B]

Bombas are great.

[A]

Personal hygiene products. Comes in at number four. Yeah, I guess, you know, I don't need tampons this Christmas. Yeah, that's what you're saying.

[B]

I like shampoo, but, I mean, you could go with an expensive shampoo and conditioner.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

I think there's a differ between getting, like, bath bath bombs and, you know, scented stuff. You can, like. It's thawed out like, you know, here, like, one time I got Astrid, we had a. One of those standalone tubs, and I got her a thing like.

[B]

Oh, yeah, the tray.

[A]

A tray. And some bath bombs and other stuff that went on there. And I said, hey, you could go ahead and take your bath now. Little did I know that Astrid hasn't taken a bath in her entire life. Like, she doesn't take baths.

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

Yeah. No, she doesn't. I think she took like three baths when we had that stand. And that standalone tub was beautiful.

[B]

Oh, we've got one and I love it.

[A]

Oh. Oh. And. But she was. She's just not a bath person. Yeah, some people aren't, but I thought I tried.

[B]

That was thoughtful.

[A]

Yeah. But after six years of knowing her, I probably should have guessed having never seen her Take a bath before.

[C]

I was gonna say it's not that thoughtful.

[A]

A picture frame comes in at number five now. Yes. An empty picture frame. Yes. Totally worthless. Don't get someone an empty picture frame. That's a highly subjective thing to put in someone's house. Right.

[B]

But a picture in a picture frame.

[A]

Okay, I can go with special picture. I can roll with that. I guess it' give it. This is the context. Also. I'll tell you what we got my mom for Christmas last year. Kevin got it for. And we've been adding to it is one of those digital phones where you hook it up to the Internet. It's got an address, and then you send pictures to it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So even though my mom. So, even though my mom, you know, is not mobile, so we can't get her out of the house a lot.

[B]

She can stay up to date.

[A]

Yes. When. When we have an event here at the house, or we're over at the gym and there's a recital or whatever it is, we can take pictures and then we send it to her so we can say, hey, mom, look on your frame. We've got some new photos.

[B]

I love it.

[A]

So I think that was a good present. But an empty frame. Yeah. I don't want that ugly, ugly Christmas sweater. The very out. I think it's overdone. The ugly Christmas sweater thing is overdone. And I don't own ugly Christmas sweaters because anytime I have gotten them as a gift that I just don't wear them.

[B]

Oh, you give them to Goodwill the next year.

[A]

Yeah, that's it. Or that same year.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Or I re. Gift them.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Guilty of re gifting or not re gifting.

[B]

No.

[A]

Never re gifted.

[B]

I mean, I don't know that I've. Well, no, I've never gifted. Re Gifted as if it was my own gift. Like, I had picked it out for them and I really hadn't.

[A]

Okay, so you never.

[B]

I would give somebody something, but I would say, I got this and don't want it. Would you like it?

[A]

Okay. Ever re gifted?

[C]

I think I might have done it once or twice. But not. Not like a mean. Normally it's like, it's a nice thing, but, like, I just already have it or.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Or. And like, I don't want to tell someone if I already have something that they got me because they feel like they did put thought into it. It is something I would like. I do have it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, I agree. I've. I've gotten, like, golf balls that then I re. Gift to my Brothers or something like that. Well, I guess I'm telling them now. Sorry, guys. I got the golf balls from someone else. I gave them to you. I've re gifted a few things, but I do it with intention and love. It's like, oh, I know you would like this much better than I would. So I'm going to pretend as if I got this for you even though someone else got it for me.

[B]

In a pinch.

[A]

Candles from the dollar store. Very specific. But anything from the dollars. Can we talk about the dollar store?

[B]

Gift from anything from the dollar store.

[A]

Can we talk about the neighborhood ruining dollar stores for a second? I mean, these places are absolutely terrible. And despite being a dollar, it saves you no money. They are simply think about all the extra packaging. Think about all the extra things that have to be done to break stuff down into smaller sizes to charge you more money for less product. Think about this. You go to Walmart, you buy a. Or Costco, you buy a giant jug of detergent, right? It costs you $25 or whatever. Then you go to the dollar store and it's like a dollar 99 for the tiniest little thing of detergent or a couple packets of detergent. It is so much more expensive per item, like per gallon, per fluid ounce, per M and m. Whatever it is to buy that stuff at the dollar store than it is at Walmart. Now if you only have two bucks on you, I can understand. But they don't pay those people a living room.

[B]

That's the sad part. Yeah, I read the whole thing about how they pop up in food, desserts too, which is places that don't have fresh food and produce and then, you know, they have everything canned and it's, you know.

[A]

You know what makes me feel good about society right now? They're closing dollar stores at by the minute right now. Like the Dollar Generals and the dollar stores because they just are terrible. Stop the dollar stores. Don't give me anything from the dollar store. Don't want. Thank you anyway. But a candle from the dollar store.

[B]

No, that's. Those candles are bad.

[A]

They're bad.

[C]

Really bad.

[A]

Are they scented?

[B]

I'm a big candle person. I go for a nice expensive candle because it just lasts longer and smells better.

[A]

I agree.

[B]

I mean, anything I've ever bought, anytime I've ever bought a cheap candle, it's disappointing.

[A]

It's disappointing. It smells terrible. They're bad for you. Like all candles put in there. Yeah, yeah. Y. A keychain comes in at number eight.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Please don't get me A keychain. Let me get my own keychains. I don't want to. I don't want your keychain. I want my keychain. Yeah, And I don't wear a keychain. Who wears keychains anymore? Who does this? What's a keychain for? When you're seven and you have a backpack, a keychain makes sense because you collect them on your backpack. Right. It's a. It's some little indication of your individuality when you're a young person. But when you get over the age of 15. Do we need keychains anymore? Really? I don't think people have keys anymore. I turn my car on with my phone. Fuck you.

[C]

Okay, rich guy.

[B]

I know.

[A]

I'm rich. That that Hyundai sitting outside doesn't turn itself on. I press a button. Ladies. Number nine. And I couldn't agree with this more. Please never do this. We're just talking about this on today's show. A pet for Christmas. Do never get anybody a pet for Christmas unless you have talked about it with them specifically. Yeah, because in Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries, none of it. Don't do it. You do not get someone a pet when they do not expect you to get them a pet. That is a terrible idea. They will feel obligated to keep that animal they probably didn't want in the first place. You want to know why they didn't have a pet in the first place? If you want a pet, you go get a pet. You don't do. That's not something someone does for you. You do it yourself.

[B]

Yeah, that's tricky. That's a lot of responsibility you're putting on someone. Unless it would be like a pet for the family. You know, in a family house where.

[A]

You and your husband or your wife or your whatever have spoken about it at length. You've. You're going to surprise the kids with a dog. You know they're not going to take care of it, so it's your responsibility. Got it?

[B]

You.

[A]

Yes. 10 to 4. 10. A T shirt. A brand new T shirt. No, no. Don't get a T shirt for Christmas unless it's like a really good T shirt. Yeah. Unless it's a really funny T shirt.

[B]

A funny one or a good quality one.

[A]

A good quality one. But don't try and get someone a T shirt that you think is fashionable. Right? No, that's a bad idea. Then. You're my mom again.

[B]

Clothing is. I go against getting clothing.

[A]

I agree with you 100%. Number 11. Weight loss programs?

[B]

No, weight loss program. That's like your hair loss program.

[A]

I know, it's. I think it's worse actually. You know, listen, my hair is going regardless, right? A weight loss program might indicate that you, Someone else feels you're amazing. Can't take care of your own self. Yeah, right. That's a terrible gift. That's like getting someone rehab for Christmas. You're an asshole. Go to rehab. Which one time I was in rehab for Christmas.

[B]

Well, if only you'd have, if you only you'd had a gift certificate.

[A]

Do you remember? I know, if only. Do you remember the time I told you that I was homeless? Like I was living under somebody's porch because my dad kicked me out because I kept bringing strippers home. And so I lived under the porch of the stripper's mom's house while she was cheating on me. Because really, honestly, who's dating the guy under my porch? It's pretty much a lose, lose situation. So the next step for me, even though at the time I was certainly drinking and drugging, it wasn't like I was a full blood, you know, I wasn't, I wasn't like, had to snort cocaine 24 hours a day or was drinking myself into oblivion every single afternoon. I just was casually doing drugs most of the time.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But my big out was I had a guy that met me at a coffee house. Like an old high school friend met me at a Waffle House, I think it was, and was like, hey, dude, dude, I heard you're not, you know, like you're having a bit of a problem. And I was like, yeah. And he's like, I'd like to call some of my friends and have them meet us here. And I, they, they can help you, I think. And I was like, oh, okay, great. The people who showed up were people from rehab program, quote unquote, where they asked me if I was in danger, did I owe any drug dealers money?

[B]

Oh, wow.

[A]

How much alcohol did I drink? I got all of a sudden got roped into like a little cult. And they sent me to a halfway house in, on Buford Highway, Atlanta.

[B]

What?

[A]

Not even kidding. 12 guys living in a three bedroom apartment, four of us per room. We all had to pay rent by going and working day labor jobs. And I was there during Christmas. There was no TVs allowed. You could have a CD Walkman if you had one of those. You could have a CD Walkman or a radio. No televisions allowed, none of that shit. So on Christmas Eve, they rolled in the TV. And they played It's a Wonderful Life to basically 16 hardened criminals. And Brian white guy in the group. It was the most disturbing Christmas Eve of my life, Chrissy. Of my life. Yes. And so rehab for Christmas, not a bad thing. Exercise bike falls right behind. Weight loss management. Calendars or office supplies agree with this 100%. You don't need to get that for somebody. Let them do that on their own. That's a highly personal thing. My wife loves calendars. Loves calendars. Loves them, has them all over the place.

[B]

She love a good calendar.

[A]

Yes. And. But you know what? She doesn't want anybody else picking that out.

[B]

No, you do it yourself.

[A]

Number 14 is a paperweight. Well, I didn't even know those existed anymore. Do we even use paper anymore? I mean, who's getting a paperweight? Do you have a paperweight? You looked at me like you might have a paper.

[B]

There's some beautiful paperweights out there, you know, I've seen before. They're like the blown glass and they're really pretty.

[A]

That's a piece of art.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

That you use as a paperweight. But a paperweight is like a rock, you know what I'm saying? Like a rock with a place for envelopes that no one gets anymore. I don't know. Cash is number 15.

[B]

Why not cash?

[A]

Hey listen, I'm saying this moves up to the best gift you could possibly give this summer and this spring and this fall and this Christmas for the commercial break is cash. We should start a patreon just so people can tip us. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Number 16 is selling self help books. Agree with that 100 personal. Yeah. You make people feel like they're being an. You know what I'm saying? If you give them a self help.

[B]

Book like, like how not to be an.

[A]

Yeah. Like maturity 101.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Relationships for children, the five love languages for. Yeah, that kind of stuff. And number 17 coming in at the worst gift to give someone one. I just forgot it. Cleaning tools. Don't get someone a vacuum for Christmas.

[B]

Unless they really want it. Hey listen, there's some great vacuums out there.

[A]

There are some Dysons out there that I would die for.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Honestly, we received one one year from Jeff's mom and loved it.

[A]

It was good. Yeah. Okay. All right. Go for the Dyson. Listen, the Dysons are like. That's a different story though. A Dyson is like getting an iPad.

[B]

It is.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Really? And they're more expensive than an iPad.

[A]

We have a Dyson. And that thing has like a screen on it and it tells you how much shit it's picking up at any given time. And is it Max Eco maximum?

[B]

Yep. Filtering.

[A]

Yeah. Dyson really changed the game. They made it sexy to have a vacuum. Yes, Dyson. Dyson is the apple of vacuums, that is for sure. It's its own ecosystem. You need their chargers, you need whatever. Anyway, I like a good dose. I'll take a dose. But don't get me Clorox or, you.

[B]

Know, well, cleaning supplies. Yeah, no, that's bad.

[A]

No cleaning supplies. Merry Christmas. All right. TCBpodcast.com that's where you go. More information about the show. All the audio, all the videos, video right there from one location. You can also get your free TCB sticker. Or if you need a replacement for your 21 EPM sticker that's biodegrading right in front of your eyes, let us know. Go to the contact us button, drop down menu. I want my free sticker. Give us your physical address and we'll send you that sticker. No must, no fuss. Also, if you donate to one of the charities we've been talking about in the 12 days of TCB, the National Breast Cancer Coalition, Same Jude's Hospital and the ASPCA take a screenshot, let us know and we'll send you some free swag. I'll send you some of that deep swag, some of that B side swag. MENFO stickers picked up off the ground from Menfo touched by Brian's hands. Don't you want that? That's gonna be worth money. My fingerprints are on that. Picked up, picked up off the ground and nailed back to us by Jeff's partners. I'm not paying to throw these in the dumpster. 212-433. TCB 212-433-3822. Questions, comments, concerns, content, ideas? We will take them all. Also, that's where you can send the aforementioned pictures. You can also leave a voicemail there at the commercial break on Instagram, TCB podcast on tick tock and YouTube.com the commercial break. Okay, Chrissy, that's all I can do for today?

[B]

I think so.

[A]

I'll tell you that I love you.

[B]

I love you.

[A]

Best to you, Best to you. And best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, we will say, we must say, and we do say goodbye. I gotta get some cocaine. Jeopardy Gravy.