Loading summary
Transcript333 lines
- [00:00]
Brian Greene
This episode is sponsored by Discover. If there's one thing we've learned from the entertainment industry, it's just how easy it is to earn a reputation, even if it doesn't reflect who you really are. For example, everyone thinks that Discover is a card that isn't widely accepted, but in reality, it's accepted at 99% of places that take credit cards nationwide. Yeah, 99%. So maybe now you'll think twice before judging a book by its cover. Unless it's a celebrity cookbook. In that case, judge away. Based on the February 2024 Nelson Report. Learn more at discover./credit card. This episode is sponsored in part by 5 Hour Energy Cinco de Mango. Okay, you know you'd like to get all your facts from the commercial break, so here's some facts you may or may not know. I am hot. I am attractive. I am a super spicy human being. And hot people like hot foods according to the charts and graphs in an article I once read sometime. You get the point. I didn't make up the rules. I just read about them. And I happen to fit inside of the data points that say that hot people like hot food. Why? I was excited to try spicy Cinco de Mango, the new flavor from the makers of five Hour Energy. It's sweet, it's spicy. It's a tad unhinged and sweet. Spicy and unhinged is what my wife might say about me. You get the kick of hot chili flavor and then, bam, Mango sweetness swoops in like a saucy little twist. It's basically the drama your taste buds deserve. Hot people like hot foods and apparently hot energy shots, too. So if you think you're hot, and I know you do, prove it. Take the heat with Five Hour Energy's spicy Cinco de Mango and their spicy hot sauce. Yeah, they went all in. Life's too short for bland. Spice it up this Cinco de Mayo. Get energized. Get spicy. Five Hour Energy's Spicy Cinco de Mango is only available online for a limited time. Head to 5hourenergy.com to order yours today. That's 5hourenergy.com and thanks to Five Hour Energy for being a sponsor of the commercial break.
- [02:12]
Chatty Patty
Good morning, Brian.
- [02:13]
Brian Greene
Yeah, good morning, Chatty Patty.
- [02:15]
Chatty Patty
Did you sleep well?
- [02:16]
Brian Greene
No. No, I did not.
- [02:18]
Chatty Patty
That is horrible. May I suggest an app later on today? Your schedule is free after recording episode number 733,422 of the commercial break with Chrissy.
- [02:32]
Brian Greene
What day is it?
- [02:33]
Chatty Patty
The day is May 13, 2030. 1. It's another sunny day at the village's retirement resort and brothel.
- [02:42]
Brian Greene
Yeah, I know. All right. Any messages?
- [02:45]
Chatty Patty
Yes, one message. Would you like me to read it?
- [02:48]
Brian Greene
Is it from a bill collector?
- [02:50]
Chatty Patty
No, it's from your wife, Astrid.
- [02:53]
Brian Greene
Sure, why not? Let's start the morning off wrong.
- [02:55]
Chatty Patty
Your ex has said the following. Sorry we will not be able to come see you this week. We are very busy with shopping and the fashion week. Please make sure to pay the cleaning bill for the yacht. I am traveling to Italy and the boat is dirty. I hope you do not mind that I asked Ricardo the pool guy to join me on the trip. I know you don't want me to be lonely. Also, your daughter needs an iPhone 33. Call your mother and please grow up.
- [03:28]
Brian Greene
Okay, thanks for that, Chatty. Is there any good news?
- [03:30]
Chatty Patty
Yes, Brian, the good news is today you are officially the oldest podcaster alive. Congrats on this accomplishment.
- [03:39]
Brian Greene
Wow. Okay. Well, that's just miserable. All right, Come on, Chatty. You're an advanced AI model. There has to be something you can do to cheer me up. Sure.
- [03:48]
Chatty Patty
I could make a song to start your day off right.
- [03:51]
Brian Greene
Love that. Let's do that.
- [03:53]
Chatty Patty
Your wish is my command. Brian Greene, creator and co host of the least successful podcast in all of podcasting. I have scanned the entire digital archives and all records related to tcb. I have created a song using only reviews from some of your most loyal and adoring fans. Would that cheer you up?
- [04:15]
Brian Greene
You created a song using only real reviews and comments from. I like that idea, Chatty. Alright, play that tune.
- [04:26]
Rachel
Just a guy who rants. Not funny at all. The co host is asleep. She's pretty dull. Why people like the show? Why are they on the charts? What's the fuck I talk about? I should love a student stat. TCB is terrible. This show is fucking bad. I'd like to punch Brian. This podcast is kinda sad. Is this what we think is funny? Now how do I turn it off? My ears are saying ow. Stop laughing at yourself. Are these two making sense? At least I didn't pay. I'm deaf. In my defense, PCB is terrible. That is being kind. Both the hosts are idiots. They left the funny behind. What is this show about? It's offensive to my soul. Brian is a ha. These two aren't funny and so old. Why all the hype? How did this get made? So many episodes, none of which are great. TCB is terrible. Worst show you could do. This TV is terrible. Worst to you.
- [06:18]
Brian Greene
On this episode of the commercial break.
- [06:21]
Chrissy
I want Chicken and dumplings.
- [06:24]
Brian Greene
I'm like, no, no, no, no. We gotta go home. It's mother's Day. We gotta have. But grandma Kiki's my mother. 5:30. I want chicken and dumplings. And my mom's like, brian, can't you stay for just a little bit longer?
- [06:36]
Chrissy
Don't be like that. Don't be like that.
- [06:38]
Brian Greene
Let him stay. I'm like, oh my God, I gotta get out of here. Part 30. I like chicken and dumplings. Don't be like that, Brian. Let him have chicken and dumplings. Jello. I love jello, Daddy. Now one dinner's not gonna kill you, Brian. Table five. Table five's where I sit. 5:30. The next episode of the commercial break starts now. Oh, yeah. Cats and kittens, welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and the co the show, Chris Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Chris.
- [07:23]
Chrissy
Best, Brian.
- [07:24]
Brian Greene
Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Thanks for joining us. Do not attune your radios. It is a Tuesday, but we have no infomercial because we're going to do enough of those on the 12 hours of TCB to satisfy a fat cow. So settle down everybody. We're good. There's going to be plenty of celebrity guests coming for the 12 hours of TCB, so we figured let's just, we'll ease our way into it. You know what I'm saying, Chrissy? There's only me so many. There's only so much time in the day and so many people that will agree to do an episode of the commercial break. Yes. So stay tuned. Lots of great guests coming up, including. I'll name two. Why not name two? Just give them a little tasty teener. A little tasty teener. Returning guest, Reggie Watts, a three Peter, and a two time all star commercial break interviewee, Tom Papa. I couldn't be more excited to have those two on board. Those are those just like tickle warm the cockles of my heart because Tom and Reggie, both wonderful guests on the commercial break, a lot of, of great feedback when they've been on and so I'm very excited to have them, to have them with us. Excuse me, Chrissy. I have to look here in my, in my rodecaster to find something very special for everybody. If you just give me a second. There's very exciting, very exciting news coming out of. I don't know if you've heard. Actually we were on air when this happened, so I think everybody has heard. Oh, now just leave it to my Rodecaster to now fall apart. Nope, There it is. Okay, if you don't mind, Chrissy, a moment of reverence.
- [08:57]
Chrissy
Happy as pompom. Happy as pompom. The Pope is chosen. Happy as pumpum.
- [09:18]
Brian Greene
Happy as pumpum, everybody.
- [09:21]
Chrissy
Da Pope is chosen.
- [09:23]
Brian Greene
Da Pope is chosen. That's right. That's right. Papa as. Oh, listen to that. A little flute. A little band. Flute. Hobbyist. Pump him, everybody. A pope is chosen. And he is from. Duh. North side of south side of Chicago. Excuse me. He is from the south side of Chicago. Couldn't be more. I mean, listen, as a guy from Chicago, as a Catholic from a reformed Catholic from Chicago, I do have to say that my grandparents are probably rolling in their graves right now. To think to the thought that an American pope would be from the south side of Chicago is very exciting news for a lot of people. And even though I am far removed from the dogma of the Catholic religion, I do have to say there was a little tickle in my pickle when I heard.
- [10:17]
Chrissy
A little nice little salute.
- [10:19]
Brian Greene
A little. Yeah. A little scratch in my scritch. Yeah, I got. I just thought to myself how wonderful that the new Pope would be from the same place that I was born.
- [10:29]
Chrissy
The mean streets.
- [10:30]
Brian Greene
The mean streets of suburbs, suburbia, Chicago. The mean streets of the south side in Oak Forest, Illinois. OKC format.
- [10:44]
Chrissy
Yeah, that was the hand sign.
- [10:46]
Brian Greene
Yeah, that's right. Oak, baby. Oak. I'm from the Oak. What up? What up, Pope? What up, Leo? This sent everybody into a Disney. Now, Chrissy and I were here recording when the white smoke puffed. When the pumpum was officially pumped out, they found out Amy has pumpum. When the white smoke poured out, everybody was going crazy in the Vatican. And a lot of people on TV were also going crazy.
- [11:17]
Chrissy
Oh, yeah. I was watching a thing where there was. There were people that traveled there, especially just to see it. And they're not even Catholic.
- [11:23]
Brian Greene
They're not even Catholic.
- [11:24]
Chrissy
I always dreamed of being there when the Pope was announced.
- [11:28]
Brian Greene
Not a dream of mine.
- [11:29]
Chrissy
Yeah, but.
- [11:29]
Brian Greene
Okay. I'd much rather watch it on tv. I went to the Vatican when there was. When the Pope wasn't even in the Vatican. And I got to tell you, it was a crowded place. I can't imagine being there when there's half a million people. It was crazy. The Vatican, if you. If you haven't been, is the smallest country on earth. And it is tiny. I mean, five city square blocks that. I mean, five square city blocks. That's it. And so to pack all those people in there to see habeas pump them. And the guy looks like a tiny little dude. I mean, he's up like 16 stories.
- [12:00]
Chrissy
In the air, but everybody on the balcony.
- [12:03]
Brian Greene
He comes out on the balcony and he waves and he's got his robes on and his little pump him hat. Yeah, he's a little pumpum hat. He looks very cute up there. He's very cute. That's a mile away. But everybody's very excited. I saw one couple had just gotten married at the Vatican.
- [12:17]
Chrissy
Oh.
- [12:18]
Brian Greene
With their Catholic pastor in tow. So they went to the Vatican to get married. I guess this is a thing you could do. Had I known that, still wouldn't have gotten married at the Vatican. But. Okay.
- [12:27]
Chrissy
Yeah, that seems pretty like, you know, people.
- [12:30]
Brian Greene
Listen. They were in their 70s and they were from. I think they were from Chicago, or maybe it was Indianapolis. I can't remember. There was like a number of people they were talking to on the news. But this old couple was so excited. I mean, this. This guy hadn't had a boner in 30 years. And you could see it through the screen. He had such a boner that he was there when the Pope was picked on his wedding weekend. It was so exciting for him. And I thought, there is zero sex happening in that marriage. Zero sex. They said they were on the camera and they were like, we extended our honeymoon an extra couple of days so we could figure, see if maybe the Pope would be picked. And hey, be. It's bum bum. It's from Chicago. And I thought, oh, God, no one's getting laid in that relations. No one.
- [13:13]
Chrissy
Why, that might be their turn on.
- [13:15]
Brian Greene
Hey, listen.
- [13:15]
Chrissy
That might be their kink.
- [13:16]
Brian Greene
Hey, listen. To each their own pope kink. There is a the pope kink. I don't see those two as the kind that watch the young pope, but hey, listen, maybe the young pope was wild. I love that show. You got to get to that show.
- [13:30]
Chrissy
Well, what I did get to over the weekend of my week recovery was.
- [13:39]
Brian Greene
You gotta talk to Jeff and say, hey, we gotta rearrange the schedule.
- [13:42]
Chrissy
Yeah. And I'm getting ready to go back again for the big barbecue thing that won't be as wild and crazy.
- [13:47]
Brian Greene
So anyway, says the girl said that every time. You say that about every event.
- [13:54]
Chrissy
No, I mean, with all the music from this past, time was a big thing. This is gonna be. The focus is gonna be more on the barbecue, which I'm very excited to taste. SmokeSlam, second year.
- [14:04]
Brian Greene
SmokeSlam, second year in Memphis. When is that?
- [14:07]
Chrissy
It's next week. It's this weekend.
- [14:09]
Brian Greene
Give the dates. Cause you know, in case people are listening.
- [14:11]
Chrissy
What is the date of this weekend?
- [14:12]
Brian Greene
Oh, it's May 15th and 16th. No, May 16th and 17th, I think is what it would be.
- [14:18]
Chrissy
Okay, okay, let's see.
- [14:20]
Brian Greene
Yes, 16th and 17th.
- [14:21]
Chrissy
It's the 15th.
- [14:22]
Brian Greene
Oh, 15. 15 through the 17th.
- [14:25]
Chrissy
Smokeslam, Memphis.
- [14:27]
Brian Greene
If you're there, buy tickets. Yes, that's the other thing.
- [14:29]
Chrissy
But anyways, while I was recovering over the weekend, I thought, wait a minute. I've been really fascinated with all the Pope stuff.
- [14:36]
Brian Greene
And.
- [14:36]
Chrissy
And you talked about a CNN Presents documentary that you listened to, and I found it on Max, and so I watched it.
- [14:45]
Brian Greene
Oh, you did?
- [14:46]
Chrissy
Six episodes. It was fascinating.
- [14:48]
Brian Greene
It's wild.
- [14:49]
Chrissy
It tells the very beginning stories from St. Peter and how, you know, the whole thing started basically, like just Christianity. The whole thing?
- [14:58]
Brian Greene
Yeah.
- [14:58]
Chrissy
And then the split offs and the Eastern Orthodox and this, that Constantinople. All the posts.
- [15:04]
Brian Greene
Istanbul is Constantinople.
- [15:06]
Chrissy
That made me think of that. It made me think of that song. But then there was the whole Renaissance period where they had mistresses and were having children. And the whole thing, it was intertwined with the families of Italy. So they're, you know, later down the line. There had to be a big Reformation, but the Pope was a king for.
- [15:27]
Brian Greene
All tense and purposes. The Pope acted like a king for a long time.
- [15:32]
Chrissy
The king of everybody.
- [15:33]
Brian Greene
The king of everybody, of everything, of anybody. And a lot of craziness happened. I'm not gonna go through the whole Pope's history, but I will say this, is that the Reformation, when the Reformation happened, only then were priests and the Pope celibate for a long time. The Pope was not only not celibate, he had wives and mistresses and all kind of crazy crap. And so, you know, I got a text message, and I'll share this because it wasn't. I don't think it was combative. I think it was trying to be instructive about how priests should be celibate because it's their. Okay, listen, I understand the line of thinking, you know, I'm not that dense, and I grew up Catholic, so I got the whole thing. But I just would love it if we would look at our priests and our popes and our cardinals a little bit more like humans and a little bit like vessels directly to God.
- [16:27]
Chrissy
Right?
- [16:28]
Brian Greene
Because if we did that, then we could understand that they're fallible and we wouldn't follow them into the fire. Some people wouldn't follow them into the fire. We would have a. There'd be, I think Quite frankly, there'd be a little bit more empathy for them. I think, quite frankly, we'd all feel a little bit better if our priests and our pastors and our Pope had the ability to go out and get laid. That's all I'm saying. Hey, listen, I know that's like a hot take, but I don't really think it's a hot take because I heard a lot of people talking about it on the news. Like there were newscasters who were asking priests and cardinals and deans of schools and prominent Catholics, is this the Pope? That could lead us into a time when we truly have some more like kind of open minded thinking like the rest of the fucking world. I mean, rabbis are married, right? There's lots of. I think Presbyterians, priests and pastors get married. Baptists certainly have wives. Some of the many wives. I mean, listen, I'm not for that. But here's what I'm sharing. I think the Catholic religion.
- [17:30]
Chrissy
Give an inch.
- [17:32]
Brian Greene
Give an inch. You know, just the tip. What if we said just the tip? Yeah, what if we said just the tip? No shaft, just the tipped. Just the tip. Wouldn't that make everybody feel better? I think it would make the priests feel better. I'll tell you that right now. Let them blow off a little steam. Let them get an EPM in once in a while. I think this makes everybody a little bit more connected to humanity. Because in my opinion, and it's my humble opinion, the streets to God, or whatever you want to call it, whatever your version of God is, the streets to God are paved inside your. Inside your spirit, not outside your spirit. We're all human, we're all fallible. We all make mistakes. And if we're asking our priests to be celibate, that's a big ask.
- [18:17]
Chrissy
It is.
- [18:18]
Brian Greene
It's a big ask. It's like one of the human conditions. And wouldn't it be cool if your priest had like kids? Like, you know, saying, I'd feel a lot more connected maybe to a church anywhere if my priest had kids. And then I could, you know, pawn mine off on or something like that. I don't know right now. You know, single dude, never had sex before, ever in his life. Babysitting my kids. Not gonna happen. It's not gonna happen. I'm sorry. It's just not. Anyway, new Pope from Chicago.
- [18:48]
Chrissy
Very exciting.
- [18:49]
Brian Greene
One thing that we gotta knock him for is he's not a Cubs fan.
- [18:53]
Chrissy
Yeah, White Sox.
- [18:54]
Brian Greene
Yeah. You know, there's an old saying, you're from Chicago, the Bears, the Bulls, the Cubs and the Blackhawks. And if you like the White Sox, you're from Indiana. I'm gonna forgive them for this one sin. But I will say that there is a little bit of Chicago pride. Of course, you know, there's a line from the West Wing, and I think it's probably my favorite line in the West Wing, as well as your favorite show, as well as one of my favorite shows. Certainly, Certainly in the top five. And I don't think I'm alone there, by the way.
- [19:25]
Chrissy
No, it was a great show.
- [19:26]
Brian Greene
Yeah. The West Wing is like a fever dream for what could have been a fever dream for what we are all missing right now. That's right. I didn't see President BARTLETT accepting its $75 billion plane from the Qataris. It's insane.
- [19:44]
Chrissy
It's crazy.
- [19:45]
Brian Greene
It's insane.
- [19:46]
Chrissy
I just, I mean, I shouldn't be surprised, but I.
- [19:49]
Brian Greene
Not surprised. There's nothing surprising. I will say this if you don't know what we're talking about. President Trump has agreed to take billion dollar gift in the form of a 747 8i, which is the largest private plane ever constructed. And you can only imagine the opulence.
- [20:14]
Chrissy
Of this plane called a palace.
- [20:17]
Brian Greene
It is a flying palace.
- [20:18]
Chrissy
Yeah, Flying palace.
- [20:19]
Brian Greene
I will say this in President Trump's favor. And to give him a little bit, like, just give him a little bit of credit. Not credit, but, like, put myself in his shoes for a minute. It's one fucking badass plane. It's one badass plane. I mean, honestly, it's hard to turn that shit down. It really is, I gotta say. I mean, he is at his core, nothing else. If driven by ego and money. And we all know this, whether we like him or don't like him, we can all agree on this thing. He don't give a shit about nothing except for himself and his money. And this is the epitome of luxury. And it is a beautiful plane. Beautiful. And if someone offered me that, you'd.
- [21:06]
Chrissy
Be trying to find a way.
- [21:07]
Brian Greene
I'd find the loophole also. I'd figure it out. I'd say, get it done. I don't know. You're the lawyers. You figure it out. Say, I'm sorry. I don't know. I don't know what to do. I need the plane. I want that plane. I need the plane because I want that plane. I need a plane right now. I could just hear it. I can just hear him in the Oval Office. I don't care. Stop playing. I, I, I get it. I Do I understand? It's really one very. Just dripping in awesomeness. Airplane. Yeah, yeah. When you dream. Chrissy and I have a dream that we have an airplane once. But the furthest that I've dreamed is like you've seen those videos of people flying in to go climb Mount Everest where they're flying in on like a six seater airplane that's piled together with duct tape and the gu. Yelling in some foreign language and they have to land on a half inch Runway and the plane, the wing falls off when they land. That's my vision of a private airplane for Chrissy.
- [22:07]
Chrissy
Well, we were also saying we would like maybe like the old Rolling Stones flying from this.
- [22:12]
Brian Greene
Yes. Yeah, I'll take that. Refurbish that. The Iron Maiden plane that's still flying around. Even they had a 727 or something. Iron fucking Maiden. They're like, that's pretty revolutionary. That Iron fucking Maiden had this little 727 there. Chrissy and I are gonna get the Leonard Skynyrd version. The kind that doesn't fly. Sorry, Leonard Skynyrd fans. Anyway, I forgot totally what I was saying about the poem about the.
- [22:43]
Chrissy
Me too.
- [22:44]
Brian Greene
I totally forgot where we were going with this. Welcome to the. Another ADHD episode about Trump and the.
- [22:50]
Chrissy
Plane and then that kind of stuff.
- [22:51]
Brian Greene
Yeah. But I was. I sidetracked on that plane for some reason.
- [22:56]
Chrissy
Started thinking about how opulent it was.
- [22:57]
Brian Greene
I started. Yeah, I couldn't. My mind could not get off that plane. When I saw it at first I was like, motherfucker, it's gonna take an airplane from a foreign government. One that we probably shouldn't be all that friendly with for a million different reasons. It's like when Phil Mickelson took a billion dollars to go play golf for. I was like, God damn it, Phil. And then I started thinking about all that money and how much Phil gambled and his wife hates him. Right. And I was like, well, I guess I can understand. I mean, you can understand. But listen, here's my thing. Trumpy Trump. Just do it when you get out of office, then you got all. Then whatever. Make a deal with them. Whatever they're paying you for, to do, you're gonna do it anyway. Just do it. And then take the plane afterwards. We need an Air Force One that is going to be flying after you are president. I know you're looking at your fifth and sixth term already, but after you're done, we're gonna need an airplane. So we really need to press on Boeing to get those airplanes. Of course, If Boeing's track record. Yeah. The plane will have a self destruct button right next to the start and the engine start. It's unbelievable. Unbelievable. Anyway, so Trump. So anyway, back to the Pope. Listen, like I was saying, you know, I really do think that the we should. I'm hoping that Pope Leo takes the flag from the last pope and he continues to open the minds and the hearts of the people that follow him, I really do, in a direction that's more modern, that's less cavemanish, that can root out some of the, you know, not so great things that the Catholic Church has been involved in over the years. I hope that he continues to go in that direction. Some people think that he, him being picked is a sign that the Catholic Church wants to continue to move in that direction.
- [25:03]
Chrissy
Good.
- [25:04]
Brian Greene
And so that's good. And I know that there's a lot of people out there, some of our listeners included, that are really excited about the new Catholic priest Pope from Chicago.
- [25:17]
Chrissy
Priest Pope.
- [25:17]
Brian Greene
The priest pope. You know, that priest pope guy.
- [25:23]
Chrissy
Happy as pompom, happy as bump. Em. The Pope is chosen.
- [25:40]
Brian Greene
Happy.
- [25:46]
Astrid
Okay. You're probably wondering why I, Rachel, have taken over the voice duties at tcb. It's pretty simple. Astrid asked me to shut Brian up, even for a minute. Well, lovely Astrid, your wish is my command. Do you want to help Astrid, too? You know you do. Leave a message for her or me or Chrissy at 212-4333, TCB. That's 212-433-3822. You can be on the show, too. Just call and say something, anything. Or text us and we'll text you right back. Promise. Then head over to tcbpodcast.com and get your free sticker. It's your constitutional right to a sticker. And we must abide. You get the point? Follow us on Instagram at the commercial break and watch all the episodes on video@YouTube.com thecommercial break break. Best to you and Astrid, especially Astrid.
- [26:43]
Brian Greene
Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there. Happy belated Mother's Day and a happy Mother's Day to you. Happy stepmother.
- [26:49]
Chrissy
Thank you.
- [26:50]
Brian Greene
To you.
- [26:51]
Chrissy
Thank you.
- [26:51]
Brian Greene
And to my beautiful wife, Astrid, and my own mom and all the other mothers that are out there. We got a lot of happy day, Happy Mother's Day messages from our fans. And I thought that was a very sweet thing to think about.
- [27:05]
Chrissy
Very sweet.
- [27:05]
Brian Greene
Yeah. Like, honestly, like 12 or 13, you know, different messages about Happy Mother's Day and some of them naming Astrid specifically. And I Think some of them know that you have some stepchildren and so what'd you do for. For Mother's Day? Was there any celebration?
- [27:20]
Chrissy
We did. We celebrated. We went over to Jeff's mom's and how was that? It was amazing.
- [27:25]
Brian Greene
Yeah, What'd you guys do?
- [27:26]
Chrissy
We had a little wine and a little cheese and crackers and everybody gathered around the TV so Jeff could show the Riverbeat. She wanted to see what her son.
- [27:42]
Brian Greene
Has been up to. What did you get? What was it like? Pictures?
- [27:45]
Chrissy
Yeah, pictures and video.
- [27:46]
Brian Greene
Okay. Video that was like, professionally taken. Okay. When do we get to see that?
- [27:50]
Chrissy
It's on. It's on social media right now.
- [27:52]
Brian Greene
Oh, it's on social media. Okay. I don't think that's popped up on my social media yet. Of course. My algorithm is crazy. Whack a fucking dude. Yeah, it is crazy wackadoo. It really is. And we'll get to it later on this week. What's popping up in my feed a lot are. Remember we talked about light language girl?
- [28:08]
Chrissy
Yeah.
- [28:08]
Brian Greene
We busted her chops for a while. We thought it was kind of nutty that this girl was speaking like this made up language, pretending she was communicating with the Palladians or whatever, you know, and she had dog in the background. It was really kind of strange, the whole thing. Very pretty girl dressed with like, you know, glitter and stickers on her forehead. Now there are thousands, and I have to say thousands, because I think it's in the thousands of copycat women who are doing this, who are talking in this weird. Clearly made up. And I say this because I'm not. I'm not necessarily a linguistics expert, but there are linguistics experts on social media and some of them have chimed in that they believe that this is all too. They're like, this is not the way you would talk if you were just like babbling and speaking in tongues. And one of the linguistics said in one of the comments, I have done a lot of research on people speaking in tongues, and there are certain instances where people go into trances and they speak in tongues. And it sounds nothing like this. This is someone trying to make up a language that sounds like Spanish and Chinese put together, right? It's some Spanish word, some Spanish dialect, some Chinese dialect. It's all kind of coming together. Anyway, so Jeff's mom. And we'll review that later on in the week. Just a little. Just a little tasty teenage. I'm just priming your pump there, kids.
- [29:30]
Chrissy
Oh, for the light language girls.
- [29:31]
Brian Greene
For the light language girls. We're Gonna review about 12 of them. If we can get through it without throwing up. It's ridiculous. So Jeff's mom. So you went there and now do the girls, Jeff's children, do they say Happy Mother's Day to you?
- [29:46]
Chrissy
They do.
- [29:47]
Brian Greene
That's very sweet.
- [29:48]
Chrissy
I know. Very, very sweet. Very, very sweet. I have a great relationship with them. I love them very much.
- [29:55]
Brian Greene
They're very sweet girls. They're very nice.
- [29:56]
Chrissy
We had one of them with us. She's home from college for the summer and so went to. She was with us, so it was so fun.
- [30:04]
Brian Greene
Takes a little getting used to having the girls home from summer. Now you've had. You've been used to having an empty nest over there, huh?
- [30:10]
Chrissy
Yeah. No more naked cooking.
- [30:14]
Brian Greene
I just tell her you can't come down on Tuesday nights. That's what I'd say. I'd say, you don't want to come down on Tuesday nights. Yeah.
- [30:21]
Chrissy
Stay up stairs.
- [30:23]
Brian Greene
That's right. Turn the music up. That's all volume at 50.
- [30:31]
Chrissy
Yeah, but no, we love having her home, but it is a little adjustment.
- [30:34]
Brian Greene
I do. I get it. I understand. I was talking to you yesterday. I. We do this three times a year. The in laws come or Gustavo or somebody comes in. Oh, speaking of Gustavo, check this out. Ready? I love it. Oh, it's got a little Spanish flair to it. Casio 3000. Yay.
- [31:16]
Chrissy
It's almost like mariachi.
- [31:17]
Brian Greene
It is. Well, I asked you to do flamenco, but I think it went a little left. So in case you don't know, I'm having fun with my new AI Music recorder. Yeah. I put in some lyrics and I give it some direction, and it goes wildly out of control and makes up these crazy shit. Well, you know, I said to the. I said to the kids, I said, okay, listen, kids.
- [31:42]
Chrissy
Yeah. What did you do? Is this what you did?
- [31:44]
Brian Greene
This is really, really difficult because when you have younger kids that have minds of their own that can now speak full sentences and have no idea what a secret is, this is really difficult to do because they are desperate to say anything that comes to their mind.
- [32:02]
Chrissy
Oh, yeah.
- [32:02]
Brian Greene
It's to the point where, like I told Astrid the other day, I said, I would love to finish a sentence. I would just love to finish a sentence. That's what I would love to do. I'm trying to teach the kids, like, you have to say, excuse me, wait until the conversation is over. There's a break in the conversation, and then you can jump in. But they are Venezuelan and I don't know what to tell you they're Venezuelan. So they just talk over us. That's what they do, because that's what Venezuelans do. So I say to them, okay, so one of my kids, one of my daughters, is desperate to decorate the entire household with 700 balloons, streamers, and pictures that she's going to draw on every wall she wants to put. And I said, well, how many of them do you think you want to do? And she said, maybe a hundred. And I said, 100? Yeah, on this wall. And I go, and what about that wall? And she goes, maybe 100. And so she's going down the hallway, going, 100 here and 100 there and 100 here.
- [33:03]
Chrissy
Okay.
- [33:04]
Brian Greene
And I said, well, you better get drawn, because this is gonna take a long time. We got like eight days, right? So she's so, you know, there's like. She draws, and then the picture goes in the basket. And then she draws and the picture goes in the basket, and then the other kids jump in. It's so sweet. It is so sweet. But I know Astrid. I know her. And this is what Astrid is going to say to me if I go to the store and I buy decorations, streamers, and flowers. I love the flowers, but I would much rather have my hair done.
- [33:38]
Chrissy
Right, right.
- [33:39]
Brian Greene
Yes. She's gonna say to me, where the.
- [33:41]
Chrissy
Money could have been spent.
- [33:42]
Brian Greene
Yeah, where the money could have been spent. We're not. We do not have anybody from Dubai offering us a $700 million plane either on the podcast or off the podcast. Right. We get free five hour energy.
- [33:55]
Chrissy
That's in an air freshener.
- [33:57]
Brian Greene
In an air freshener. That's where we're at. Okay? We got plug. Really fancy plug in air fresheners and shitloads of five hour energy for the 12 hours of TCP. Yes.
- [34:08]
Chrissy
And a good Harry's razor.
- [34:09]
Brian Greene
Yeah, and a good Harry's razor. I like a good Harry's razor. Yeah. And every time, like, Bolin Branch or one of those mattress places sends us an email, would you advertise? We get so excited.
- [34:19]
Chrissy
Yeah.
- [34:20]
Brian Greene
But then they do the kind where we don't have to read it, so they don't have to send it to us, because that's not the type of podcast we are. No, you're not like a mattress kind of podcast. Not that kind of podcast. You're like $25 in credits to my online jewelry store kind of podcast. So anyway, so I say, all right, kids, listen, I know your mother, and I know exactly what she wants. She wants a day away from you. That's what she wants. She wants a day away from you and me, if we're being real honest about it. She wants us all to just leave her alone. Because that's what mothers can really enjoy. They want to be around their children. But at this age, they really don't want to be like. They want a break from the kids. Right.
- [35:00]
Chrissy
Because the kids have a break.
- [35:01]
Brian Greene
Of course it is. And I know that. I'm not an idiot. It. So I say to all the kids, I say, okay, listen now here, it's just a little insight into how it works at the Green household. I am just a little bit longer in the tooth than my wife. I am older than my wife. I am not the youngest father that has ever lived. Not the oldest. But I'm getting pretty close. I mean, I'm getting pretty close.
- [35:23]
Chrissy
It might feel like.
- [35:23]
Brian Greene
It does feel like an uncertainty, so. And I also do a lot for the podcast, and a lot of those hours are night hours because it's really difficult to get anything done.
- [35:37]
Chrissy
Spent making.
- [35:39]
Brian Greene
Yes.
- [35:39]
Chrissy
The AI.
- [35:40]
Brian Greene
Yes. Spent making it. Good.
- [35:44]
Chrissy
Long, tired, tireless hours.
- [35:47]
Brian Greene
Yes. By the way, people went crazy. They loved it.
- [35:59]
Chrissy
It was in my head, too.
- [36:00]
Brian Greene
Yeah, it was. It was in my head also. I'm with you guys. It also caught on to me, too. I actually was playing it in here the other night. It was late. I was sitting here watching a television show, and I was like, Brian got it wrong. Let me put that in. Let me just listen to that jam. Thanks. AI. AI made me an earworm. So I say to the kids, oh, so how it works here is I stay up late. Astrid gets up early.
- [36:28]
Chrissy
Yes.
- [36:28]
Brian Greene
And then we got a good system. And then we swap during the day. Like, if I'm not recording, I'll try and help out with the kids and pick them up from school. I do bath times. I usually put people to bed. That's kind of my thing. Right. So. And I play with them so she can get some work done during the evening hours. So we have this, like, little good backing system, and it fits the natural rhythm of our natural clocks. I tend to be up. I just tend to be a person who stays up a little bit later. And when I say later, I mean, like, 11:30. It's not like I'm partying hard. So 95% of the time, 90% of the time, Astrid's up before I am. I often get up to take kids to school, but she's still up a little bit before I am. So I know that a good present for Astrid, like, any Good father does is the obligatory, I'll get up with the kids this time so you can sleep. One day a year. You get to sleep in. Look at me. I'm such a gentleman. One day a year. Go for it, girl. I mean, unless you're sick. If you're sick, then maybe there's two days year. So I said, all the kids, wake me up first. Don't wake your mom up. Wake me up. Wake me up first.
- [37:37]
Chrissy
Yeah.
- [37:38]
Brian Greene
So now, just the way that it happens to be, I was sleeping in one room with one of the kids who were like trying to separate from our house, and she was in the other room with a couple of the other kids. And so 5:50, I set my alarm. 5:50, 550 alarm goes off. I know. That's fucking early, isn't it? Yeah.
- [37:58]
Chrissy
My eyes.
- [37:58]
Brian Greene
I know your eyes. You just went to sleep. Chrissy just went to sleep, right? Yeah, Chrissy went back to sleep.
- [38:04]
Chrissy
We're at River Beach.
- [38:05]
Brian Greene
Yeah, I know. 5:50 alarm goes off. But I noticed there's no commotion. And the kid I'm sleeping with, he's not up yet. So I'm like, okay. All right. I'm gonna get a couple extra minutes here. Hit the snooze button, go back to bed. And then all of a sudden, a couple of the girls run in the room like 10 minutes later. Later. So I do this trick where I'm like, hi, girls. And they're like so excited. They're like, it's Mommy's day. It's Mommy's day. We gotta get the decorations. And I'm like, we are definitely gonna do that. But the stores don't open for another couple of hours. So why don't you come in bed and let's do a cuddle buggle. So now it's like me and 13 children in this queen size bed. And I'm just like holding them as tight as I can, sleeping, hoping that none of them moves. If anybody's ever had children, then you know this. If the kids are moving, then they're up. But if they're not moving, then they're asleep. And sometimes if you hug them tightly, it's as if you're suffocating them and they can't move so that they continue to stay asleep. Just hug them tighter, right?
- [39:04]
Chrissy
Yeah.
- [39:05]
Brian Greene
So here's me. I literally have two piled on top of me. One over here, one over. We're all like this and everything's fine until Blue starts barking. Blue starts growling.
- [39:16]
Chrissy
Growling?
- [39:17]
Brian Greene
Yeah, she's growling because she wants Food bitch. She's like outside the door scratching.
- [39:26]
Chrissy
Just.
- [39:26]
Brian Greene
Like, yes, she can hear me. She's mad at me because I'm making fun of her. So we get up. 6:15, we get up and these kids are begging me, begging me to go to the store and to buy stuff. And I'm like, guys, listen to me. If we're gonna spend money on mom, and we are, the best thing that we can do is allow her to spend it in the way that she sees fit. Let her go have a day. Let's not spend money. I know that the streamers sound nice, but that stuff, Mommy then's gonna feel like she needs to clean up, Right?
- [40:04]
Chrissy
That's true too.
- [40:05]
Brian Greene
Yeah. And they are getting so upset, they want to go to the store. And I know why they want to go to the store. Because the streamers they want, the balloons they want.
- [40:15]
Chrissy
Get some candy and some candy.
- [40:16]
Brian Greene
That's right. So I said, here's what we're going to do. I'm going to go get the art cart, which is a card full of art stuff. I'm going to get the art cart. Everyone make a card. I had bought cards for them to sign and stuff. We're going to sign cards, okay? And then when Mommy wakes up, we're going to surprise her with that. And then me and some other people in the family, we all went in together. Hair, nails, massage, facial. Right? Now, we're not going to do that on Mother's Day. Why aren't we going to do that on Mother's Day, gentlemen? Because Mother's Day is the worst possible day to do any of that shit. They're going to be waiting in line, aggravated and tired by the end of the day because everything is crazy crowded. Because mothers go on strike on Mother's Day and as they should. So, you know, so it's me at 6:15 in the morning till almost about 10 with these children. And I gotta tell you, Chrissy, like every other father who can resonate with the following statement. I'm about to make a newfound respect for everything that goes on before I usually even open up my eyes. The constant need for feeding, and I don't know what the fuck to make. I'm literally making Eggos with like melted Nestle Crunch bars on there. You know what I'm saying? That's what I'm doing. I'm like, I burned myself three times just trying to make an Eggo. I'm just trying to make an Eggo. It's not that hard to put it in the toaster. I'm sticking my finger in there. I'm just. I'm all kind of. One of my daughters doesn't like it. She wants something else. So I said, what do you want? She goes, I don't know. Eggs and eggs. Can you make me eggs? I said, eggies? Yeah, I can scramble up some eggs. No eggs. And here's the crazy thing. The night before, Astrid's doing some online shopping. Like, you know, the Walmart delivery, Kroger delivery, whatever is. She looks at me and she goes, hon, I'm doing some shopping. Do you need anything? And I go, no, I'm good. That's always my answer. No, I'm good. And I always need something, but I'm like, no, I'm good. And I end up can't think of anything. Hey, hon, I need some cream. I asked you. So I said, no, I'm good. And she goes, you sure? I go, yeah, you don't want anything for tomorrow? And I go, no, I. I don't. I didn't understand what she meant. And then when I'm looking for the eggs, I understand what she meant. She meant you dumb. Dumb. You're gonna need to feed these kids something besides Nestle Crunch bars in the morning. So I don't have anything. So what do I do? I take like some Hawaiian rolls, slather it with butter, throw some Mexican cheese on it, and make myself like a Mex. Like a grilled cheese.
- [42:50]
Chrissy
Cheese toast.
- [42:51]
Brian Greene
Cheese toast.
- [42:51]
Chrissy
Cheese toast was a staple in my house growing up.
- [42:54]
Brian Greene
I burned it. I burned it, I burned it. And my daughter, who's so young, she's like Gro tea. I'm like, well, fuck you. What do you want me to do? Mom will be up in like three hours. Here's some milk. You want some milk? I'm feeding them milk. Juice boxes, fish crackers. Yeah, anything. Goldfish. I don't care. I'm just. I'm stuffing anything in their mouth. Mouth. But, man, it was hard that three hours. Three, four hours.
- [43:23]
Chrissy
Yeah.
- [43:24]
Brian Greene
I mean, it wasn't hard hard, but it was like I was, you know, I'm feeling it. I'm tired. The good. The only. The only common sense that I had in my head was to get to bed with enough, like, early. I didn't.
- [43:38]
Chrissy
Oh, good.
- [43:38]
Brian Greene
I wasn't.
- [43:38]
Chrissy
A little gas in the tank.
- [43:39]
Brian Greene
I know if I go past midnight, no matter what the situation, I'm going to be tired. But if I can get to bed, if I can be in the bed by 10 o' clock, then I feel like I'LL be okay if I wake up at six in the morning. So Aster gets up, and the kids are on the. I let the kids have the iPad while I was cooking.
- [43:56]
Chrissy
Of course you did.
- [43:57]
Brian Greene
Of course I did. Because I don't know what to do. We're not like an ipod family.
- [44:01]
Chrissy
It's like a Mr.
- [44:02]
Brian Greene
Bomb. Oh, my God. From the Mr.
- [44:03]
Chrissy
Bomb movie.
- [44:04]
Brian Greene
It so is. I'm just so bad at all this stuff. And so the kids are all crowded around this one iPad playing whatever game, you know, SpongeBob Square. Whatever the fuck they're playing. SpongeBob SquarePants. I'm in the pantry. Astrid walks into the kitchen, and I can hear her go, hey, guys. Like, you know, hey, good morning. And I'm doing something in the pantry, and I don't hear anything in response. And then I hear it again. Hi, guys. Nothing in response. So I throw the thing down in the pantry, and I pop my head out and I go, hey, hey. Your mother. And the kids look at me, and they're like. And then they go back to the iPad, and I go, your mother is up.
- [44:46]
Chrissy
You were so excited.
- [44:47]
Brian Greene
It's Mother's Day. And one of the kids goes, hey, Mom. And I'm like, oh, my God. Get the fucking iPad out of your hand and go say hello to your mother. The same woman. Oh, let me tell you. When we were talking about the whole, like, you know, having this big argument and conversation about streamers and balloons and all this other stuff, I said, guys, this is just not what Mommy would want us to spend the money on for. I promise you. And one of my kids, so fucking cute, looked at me, and he goes, we could open up my piggy bank and use my money. And I go, oh, that's very sweet, brother. Yes, but that's because you want the streamers, not me.
- [45:28]
Chrissy
Exactly.
- [45:29]
Brian Greene
But it's not about that. But if you do have a 20 in there, what do you got? I could use it to buy eggs. So we sell. So anyway, you know, Astor gets up, and then I handled the kids for a while. Then I put one of them down for a nap, and then we went to Grandma Kiki's house.
- [45:47]
Chrissy
I was wondering if you.
- [45:48]
Brian Greene
My mom's house. We went to Kiki's Retirement village.
- [45:51]
Chrissy
I figured you were gonna go there.
- [45:52]
Brian Greene
And, man, let me tell you something.
- [45:56]
Chrissy
I bet it was a scene.
- [45:57]
Brian Greene
Grandma Kiki's Retirement Village is a scene on any day of the week, but on Mother's Day with small children in tow, it is like, I don't know. How to say this, it's like an adventure race. You have to get around people you know are probably going to try and touch your children. You have to ignore people who you know are a little bit looney.
- [46:18]
Chrissy
Like a Pac Man.
- [46:19]
Brian Greene
Yes, like Pac Man. You have to eat all the things and get away from all the ghosts.
- [46:24]
Chrissy
Right.
- [46:24]
Brian Greene
Because the ghosts, which, honestly, some of them are. All right, let's do this. Let's take a break and I'll tell you about Grandma Kiki's house. Okay? All right, we'll be back. You'll make this rather snappy, won't you? I have some really heavy thinking to do before 10:00.
- [46:40]
Astrid
Hi, cats and kittens. Rachel here. Do you ever get the urge to speak endlessly into the void, like Brian? Well, I've got just the place for you to do that. 212-4333. TCB. That's 212-433-3822. Feel free to call and yell all you want. Tell Brian I need a raise, Comfort, compliment Chrissy's innate ability to put up with all his shenanigans, or tell us a little story. The juicier the better. By the way, we love to hear your voice because Lord knows we're done listening to ourselves. Also, give us a follow on your favorite socials at the commercial break on Insta TCB podcast on TikTok. And for those of you who like to watch. Oh, that came out wrong. We put all the episodes out on video, YouTube.com thecommercial break, and tcbpodcast.com for all the info on the show, your free sticker, or just to see how pretty we look. Okay, I gotta go now. I've got a date with my dog. No, seriously, Axel needs food. Today is pork chop day.
- [47:44]
Brian Greene
So. Yeah, so we went to Grandma Kiki's house. So I saw Astron. I said, listen, let me take. Let me take the kids over to my mom's house, over to my mom's place be. Because, listen, Astrid loves my mom, of course. And my mom is like, honestly one of the sweetest, nicest people that you will ever meet in your life. And sometimes that works in her favor and sometimes that grates on you a little bit. Right? You understand what I'm saying? Yeah. You've been there. I know you have this. And listen, and sometimes there's real challenges with dealing with my mom, and that's complicated. And I'm not gonna explain it here on the commercial break, but if you want to do it, if you're A therapist and want to do a free therapy session with. Yeah, when do we get free therapy? When is that coming? Five hour energy. Love it. When am I going to get free therapy? Hey, better help. Come on. Come on. So I pack all the kids in the car. Or. Excuse me, I'm about to pack all the kids in the car, and then one of them gets the idea that Grandma Kiki needs a present. Like, we got her something and a card, but I need to give her a present. And I said, okay, what are you gonna give her? Well, how about a Mickey Mouse? And I'm like, mm, Mickey Mouse? Like a toy you put in the bathtub. Like a Mickey Mouse toy you put in the bathtub. Eh, okay. I'm not sure Grandma Kiki's into Mickey Mouse. Do you have a Judge Judy or a Dr. Phil? Maybe that'd be more appropriate.
- [49:11]
Chrissy
Yeah.
- [49:12]
Brian Greene
Okay. All right. Or one of those Real Housewives are somewhere. That'd be cool. Okay. All right. You know. Know. Cool. You want to put a Mickey Mouse in there? Let's put a Mickey Mouse.
- [49:21]
Chrissy
I like the. I like the recycling.
- [49:24]
Brian Greene
Yeah.
- [49:24]
Chrissy
The upcycling.
- [49:25]
Brian Greene
Yeah. God knows we can get rid of the toys. Like, if you want to give her 12 Mickey Mouses, we'd still have 12 to go. So they pick a Mickey Mouse. Then the other kids. I want to bring something in Grandma Kiki. Okay. You know, Paw Patrol. You know, I want to bring something to Grandma Kiki. You know, Taylor Swift book. Okay. All right, Then before I know it, and anybody with kids will. Will absolutely understand this struggle. Each of them has a backpack full of toys. And these backpacks are, like, weigh 20 pounds a piece. And I know exactly what that means. I'm going to be carrying the backpack into the fucking house, into my mother's. I'm going to be lugging those things around the retirement village for three hours. And guess what? I lug those things around the retirement village for three hours. Because as soon as we got out of the car, it's like, I'm so tired. I don't want to carry it anymore. And. Okay, can we just leave it in the car? No, I want to show Grandma Kiki. No, can you just leave it in the car? Because I don't think Grandma Kiki wants a Mickey Mouse. But I showed Grand Kiki my Mickey Mouse. Okay, then carry it. I'm so tired. I've been carrying it the whole time. You didn't carry it at all. I put it in the car. It was on the floor. I drove here. The car did all the hard work. I don't want to carry it anymore. Anyone has a seven alarm meltdown, I'm like, now I've got all the backpacks, I've got diaper bags, I've got backpacks, I've got water bottles. I don't know what I'm. I might be carrying a child. I'm not sure. I don't know. Who knows? I'm going into Grandma Kiki's house. And before. This is a retirement home, guys. It's one big apartment building, you know, gracious living retirement home or whatever the. And there's a pergola in front, like a parking pergola in front. Like every one of those has. Everybody gets dropped off. Right. Well. And you can't find a parking space near the park. But luckily it's packed. I have smartly decided to go in between the hours of lunch and dinner because as soon as you walk into the place, there's the huge dining room.
- [51:31]
Chrissy
Yes.
- [51:32]
Brian Greene
You know, like the cruise ship dining room, you know what I'm saying? Where every night, every single meal, the cruise director, the retirement home director gives a speech, talks about the wonderful food. We have carrots with butt paste and pork chops from three weeks ago and some mango salad. It's gonna be delicious. You gotta love it. And make sure to join us for bingo at seven. We're gonna have retirement bucks. Collect 12 retirement bucks. Bucks. Got a Hershey's Kisses. And everyone gets excited. Oh, Hershey's Castles. I love our kisses. We're in for it, Chrissy. I'm telling you, it's coming soon. I'm making fun of it now, but I'm not going to be making fun of it when I'm the cruise ship director, when I'm the one doing that.
- [52:21]
Chrissy
So yeah, you and I could do it.
- [52:24]
Brian Greene
Chair aerobics at 7 with brandy. We're showing movies at 9 o' clock.
- [52:36]
Chrissy
Nine? Oh, that's way better.
- [52:37]
Brian Greene
A.m. chrissy, before night, before dinner at 1pm we're showing, we're showing movies in the theater room. Guess what we're showing tonight? Cult. We're showing a classic movie, Pulp Fiction. Ooh, I love Pulp Fiction. So I smartly go avoiding those hours. I know exactly what I'm doing. Yes. Because if I go, first of all, my mom hates everybody in there until the kids show up and then she loves everybody in there and they all gotta meet the kids, you know what I'm saying? When she's on the phone, she hates everybody when we're there, everybody's her best friend, and she has to endear. I told her I was getting introduced to friends of the kids, the kids of the friend. Brian, don't be like that.
- [53:31]
Chrissy
Brian, don't be like that.
- [53:32]
Brian Greene
Brian, don't be like that. I have spent years in therapy getting over a few things in my life. One of them is my mother. But more specifically, under the umbrella of my mother is the fact that I am a twin. And because I am a twin, and because in 19, when I was born, twins were not necessarily a thing. Like here now, everybody's a twin.
- [53:57]
Chrissy
Well, right, because of all that fertility.
- [53:58]
Brian Greene
Yes, because of all the fertility and because just as the lineage goes on, twins multiples are not that uncommon. You have to be like. You have to be a quintuplet now to get any kind of attention. You know what I'm saying? Twins, not that big of a deal. But when my brother and I were young, it was a big deal. There were very few twins. It wasn't a thing. And so guess what? I was like that Mickey Mouse doll. I got carted around in the back of a bag 24 hours a day to be shown off to anybody and everybody. My mom would put us in, like, local Kiwanis Club pageants, where we would walk up and down in our cute little suits and ties dressed exactly alike. And anytime we went to my. Anytime we were with my mother or with one of my grandmothers, we would be shown off, I swear to God. As if you're not identical, Mona Lisa. Yeah, but when you're six, everybody's identical. You know what I'm saying? Everybody looks alike at six. And Kevin and I have never really looked alike, but at a young age, we were.
- [55:00]
Chrissy
Yeah, I could see that.
- [55:01]
Brian Greene
I hate this. I hate being shown off if. And I don't want my kids to feel that same way. I really don't want them to feel like they're little things that get, you know, paraded around. It's just a thing. I don't know. It's a thing. I hate it. It's a trigger for me. So I don't want to subject my children to this. And I know that this retirement village is the place where this thing is gonna happen. So I try and shield my children a little bit from it. We don't even get to the fucking pergola, and there's 12 cars pulling up. You know, everyone's pulling up to drop their mom off. Yeah, they're all dropping their mom, and they're all getting out with their walkers. Oh, it's the green kids. Are you Vicky's grandchildren? Oh, my God, you're so adorable. Come here.
- [55:46]
Chrissy
Oh, my God.
- [55:48]
Brian Greene
Give Grandma space face a kiss. You have the prettiest hair I've ever seen. Meanwhile, this woman has wild pink hair that you can see through. It's like transparent hair in the sun. Yes.
- [56:07]
Chrissy
It's insane white, and it's been done pink.
- [56:11]
Brian Greene
But this is pink. It's like pink. It's not a natural color. And she's like, oh, my God, look at you. How old are you? Seventeen. I'm like, he's five. Seventeen. Five. I know your mom. Your mom and me are friends. Teeth rattling, falling out. You're not. And I are friends. My kids are like. And I'm like, okay, come on. I gotta go. Kiki's waiting on us. We walk in those sliding glass doors, and there's Kiki right there, sitting in her wheelchair right there. Hi, guys. Did you meet Progress? Hi. I knew it. It's your kids. Come here. That's the prettiest dress I've ever seen. I used to have a dress like that when I was your age. Oh, yeah? Oh, really? Okay. All right.
- [57:27]
Chrissy
The old one, I was your age.
- [57:28]
Brian Greene
Yeah. The old one, I was your age. So I'm like. And by the way, to be clear, there are a few people that my mom is actually, like, friendly with. One of them is named Barbara, and she's a lovely woman. She's, like, completely normal, actually. She's like, you know, just very nice. She comes in, she says hi. She doesn't, like, you know, overdo it. She's like, hi. She talks to the kids like they're human beings. I think part of the challenge with sometimes with the older folks is they're in such amazement that somebody could be.
- [57:58]
Chrissy
That young, that, like, it's such a long time ago.
- [58:01]
Brian Greene
It's such a long time ago. And I understand. I do get it. I absolutely understand. And actually, I'm being kind of a dick about it, but I do like the fact that youth brings youth. Like, youth brings energy, youth brings smiles. Youth brings. It's fun to see kids in this age. Listen, I'm pretty old, too, and I get a lot of enjoyment out of the youth of my children. Right. It's just.
- [58:22]
Chrissy
They are really cute.
- [58:24]
Brian Greene
Sometimes the way people come about it is a little. It's like. I can see why my children get a little nervous, because I remember being like that. I remember, like, oh, you know. So I go, okay, Kiki. All right. So my mom, she's like, I gotta Ask Dre something. And I'm like, oh, okay. Can you give it to. Of course, Mom. I'll give it to her. What is it? And she hands me this plant. It's a silk plant in fake water. Do you know what I'm talking about?
- [58:55]
Chrissy
Yes. Yes. I've seen those.
- [58:57]
Brian Greene
The fake water. You know, it's a. It's like, I don't glue. That's supposed to be water or whatever. And she's like, I got this from someone else, and it's brought me such joy. I thought Astrid would love it. And I'm like, oh, my God, mom, you shouldn't have. You shouldn't have regifted the silk flower. And I go, okay, I'll give it to her.
- [59:24]
Chrissy
Pass it along.
- [59:25]
Brian Greene
Yeah, I think I left it at the place, by the way, now that I'm thinking about it. Whoops. Okay, so I say, mom, can we go in somewhere? Can we go into, like, a place or something? You know, get out of here. Do you want to bring the kids up to my room? And I'm like, I do not want to bring the kids up to your room, because her room is just a room. Yeah. With a TV that is always blaring. And, like, you know, I just don't want the kids to go up there and get into things. And it's a lot. Yeah. My mom takes a lot of medicine.
- [59:53]
Chrissy
Medicine. And the things.
- [59:54]
Brian Greene
Some of them are on the floor. I don't know. There's like, a whole scene going on up there. Yeah. If she, like, you know, if one of the medicines drops, she. It's just on the floor. And then some lady comes picks it up two weeks later. Right. Okay. Takes it. I'm not sure what's going on. So we go to the activities room, and in the activities room, there are some things, at least for the children to do. But, you know, it's also someone else's house, essentially, so you don't want the kids, like, going ham wild. But they have, like, a Plinko board, you know? Plinko. Price is Right.
- [60:26]
Chrissy
Yeah. Where you drop it from the top and it.
- [60:28]
Brian Greene
They have a Plinko board that plays the music of the Price Is Right.
- [60:32]
Chrissy
Oh, that's amazing.
- [60:33]
Brian Greene
And it, like, lights up when you. Oh, it was all. I was excited about that. I'm like, oh, shit, that's cool. So I'm over there playing it. They have a piano now. One of my kids all of a sudden is Chai fucking Kowski. He's over there just banging on the piano. And they have an ice cream machine. Oh, now, God bless the ice cream machine. I know this is the coolest thing, and I know this is part of the reason why the kids want to go over there, because it would be for me, too. They have an ice cream machine. Half the time it works, half the time it doesn't.
- [61:01]
Chrissy
Like the McDonald's.
- [61:02]
Brian Greene
Like, the McDonald's. And by the way, it is a McDonald's ice cream machine. That's what it is. I think it's the same company because worked at McDonald's, and I know it's the exact same thing. I also know they're difficult to clean, they're difficult to maintain, and what's coming out of there is probably half mold, half ice cream. Like, I don't know. I have no idea. But the kids love it, and they have the. You know, so. Okay, so let's have some ice cream. All right. It's chocolate ice cream today, or whatever mix they're putting in there. Okay, great. They're. It's going everywhere. One of my daughter's white dresses is just full of chocolate. I'm just. But I'm just like, whatever, just let them have it. It's wonderful.
- [61:40]
Chrissy
You have to let go at some point.
- [61:42]
Brian Greene
Yeah, you do have to let go.
- [61:44]
Chrissy
Whatever.
- [61:44]
Brian Greene
Yes. My mom starts playing with a couple of the girls, and she's like. One of the girls brought, like, a comb and these, like, rainbow hair extensions that you can put in, like, the little girl's hairs, right? And so she brings it over, and so my mom's putting it on her. And then all of a sudden, I noticed that the younger one is combing my mom's hair. And I'm thinking to myself, that's a wig. That's a wig. That's a wig. Oh, no, that's a wig. And the more that she's combing it, the more I can see it's.
- [62:19]
Chrissy
Oh, my God, it's moving.
- [62:22]
Brian Greene
It's moving. It's moving. And I'm like, oh. And I don't think my mom notices. And then the older daughter is putting the rainbow purple thing in her hair. My mom looks like a crazy person. This entire thing is going on. And as I'm sitting there in this activities room, I've noticed there is a man who's not that old, who's probably in his, like, early 60s, who's sitting over there, and he's watching this whole thing. He's the only other person in the room. Kind of strangely. In the activity room. In the activity room. Kind of strangely. Just Sitting there, right?
- [62:52]
Chrissy
Yeah. That's kind of weird.
- [62:54]
Brian Greene
Yeah, kind of weird. And so, okay, so I see he's just sitting there. He's sitting there watching, Just watching, Just watching. And I thought, okay, well, you know, I guess what can you do? It's an activities room. I mean, you know, what am I gonna do? Can you leave? I mean, it's not my house. It's his house.
- [63:10]
Chrissy
Yeah.
- [63:11]
Brian Greene
Or I think it's his house. I don't know. Meanwhile, you know, people are coming in and out every time someone comes in. Hey, hey, Judy. Did you make my grandchildren come over here and meet the grandchildren? And they're like, hi, I'm Judy, I live on the first floor. Did you know I was in the war? That's right.
- [63:36]
Chrissy
I mean, this is the exact same thing that used to happen when I would go to Papa John.
- [63:39]
Brian Greene
I know, it's crazy.
- [63:41]
Chrissy
It's the same, same everywhere.
- [63:43]
Brian Greene
Bombed those bastards. And I'm like, oh, yeah? Which war was that? Don't remember. People are coming in and out, but still the guy, guy, the guy. And I'm like, okay, he's just over there and he's like. He's got a mouth agape. He's staring. And I think to myself, that's just. I don't like this. Like, it's a little weird.
- [64:04]
Chrissy
Yeah.
- [64:06]
Brian Greene
So we suffer through about, I don't know, hour and a half of this. And I say, okay, kids, come on, wrap it up. I told your mom we'd be home at 5:30 because it's dinner time. Or I said, I told your mom we'd be home at 5 because it's dinner time. Dinner's at 5:30.
- [64:25]
Chrissy
This is the guy.
- [64:26]
Brian Greene
This is the guy. I. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You said dinner's at five. Dinner's at five thirty. Oh, oh, okay, okay. I think you're right about that. It's always at five thirty. Okay, got it.
- [64:49]
Chrissy
Thanks for that.
- [64:50]
Brian Greene
Chicken and for dumplings. Five thirty. Okay. All right, kids, eat free. Okay. All right, now, this is my kids.
- [65:07]
Chrissy
I want chicken and dumplings.
- [65:10]
Brian Greene
I'm like, no, no, no, no, we gotta go home. It's Mother's Day. We gotta have. But Grandma Kiki's my mom.
- [65:16]
Astrid
Five thirty.
- [65:19]
Brian Greene
I want chicken and dumplings. And my mom's like, brian, can't you.
- [65:22]
Chrissy
Stay for just a little bit longer like that?
- [65:24]
Brian Greene
Don't be like that. Let him stay. I'm like, oh my God, I gotta get out of here. Five thirty. I like chicken and dumplings. Don't be like that. Brian, let him have chicken and dumplings. Jello. I love yellow Daddy jello. One dinner's not gonna kill you, Brian. Table fives. Table five's where I sit. 5:30. Come on, kids. It's mass chaos. I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no. Stop you. Thank you. Five 30. Got it. 10, 4. Mom, shut up. No dinner. Kids, get in the car now. Let's go. Pack up all your 35 backpacks. Let's get the fuck outta here. I'm now trapped in a hellhole.
- [66:22]
Chrissy
Oh, my God.
- [66:22]
Brian Greene
Meanwhile, this ice cream machine all of a sudden at the end went on the blitz, and it started making, like, this unholy racket, like. And one of my daughters is, like, loud, loud, loud, loud. 5:30.
- [66:40]
Chrissy
Oh, it's all.
- [66:42]
Brian Greene
Oh, God, it was Chrissy. It was like. It was chaos for, like, three minutes. I didn't know what to do. It was one of those moments as a father when you're like, yeah, oh, have kids. They said, it'll be fun. They said it was so weird. He kept yelling and he, like, moved backwards when he said it. Fun learning. Okay, don't. Okay, table five. Table five, where is it? Okay, kids eat free. Kids eat free. What is this, Bojangles?
- [67:22]
Chrissy
Kids eat free.
- [67:24]
Brian Greene
It's Old country buffet. Yeah, that's right. Kids eat free. Okay, roll my mom, roll. Okay. Okay, Mom. All right, them up, roll them up. Let's go. So I start rolling my mom. My mom does the one thing that I fucking hate when I like the baby. The youngest of them is, like. Now she's like. I think she's a little scared at all that's going on, you know, guy yelling, racket going on, loud noises. And so she's trying to, like, get up on me, but I'm pushing my mom, and so she runs to go get up to Grandma Kiki. And I said, babe, don't get up there, because I don't know how.
- [67:59]
Chrissy
Get in her lap.
- [68:00]
Brian Greene
Yeah, I don't know how secure that is. Right? I don't want anybody falling. I don't want my mom hurting or anything like that. And my mom just grabs her and puts her on. Like. My mom completely ignores my request as a parent. She just does not. She never. If I say something, she does the opposite. My mom is like a little child herself in that way. And it's like, mom, you gotta respect the fact that I'm a parent, and you gotta respect my wishes with my children. But I let it slide. It's Mother's Day. Okay, whatever. So we go, we push her. We get to the elevator. Are you ready for this?
- [68:30]
Chrissy
I don't know.
- [68:30]
Brian Greene
Okay, we're rolling to the elevator. And when we're rolling to the elevator, I see down this long hallway, someone is coming in, like a side entrance, a man and a woman. And all of a sudden, my mom does this like crazy. Like, ah, Joan, Joan, my grandkids. And I'm like, oh, God, she's got.
- [68:56]
Chrissy
Her hands waving in there.
- [68:57]
Brian Greene
Yes. She's waving them like, come, Joan. Yeah, Joan. And I'm like, oh, God, I thought we were almost out of here. And there's, like, people.
- [69:06]
Chrissy
We're so close.
- [69:07]
Brian Greene
Yeah. There's people gathering for dinner. And they're all.
- [69:09]
Chrissy
A few seconds earlier that we even made the elephant.
- [69:12]
Brian Greene
That's it. And I go, mom, we really gotta go. Oh, just. Just one. Just don't be like that. Just one. They really wanted to meet the kids, Joan. Joan. They really wanted to meet them, Joan. And I'm like, they can't move any faster, Mom. I think they're traveling at the speed they're comfortable with. So eventually, Joan and her husband, Owen, I think his name was. Very, very nice people. Very nice people. And then let me tell you why they're nice people. So, you know, it's chaos, you know. Oh, my God, aren't you so cute? Look at you, handsome young man it turned out to be. And then he looks at me, and he looks at me, and he goes, you look entire. You look entirely too old to be her grandkid. Ha ha ha. I'm like, okay, that's a good one. Thanks. And Joan. And then this lady Joan goes, well, I know this face. And I go, oh, I don't think we've met before. And she goes, we haven't met before, but I know your podcaster. And I go, oh. And now I had explained to my mother that it's probably a bad idea to be spreading around the podcast. Cause it's a bit on the racy side sometimes. So my mom pipes right in the middle of this conversation, and she goes, well, Brian told me the podcast can be kind of racy. And Joan goes, well, that's one way to put it. There I am Mother's Day at a retirement village, and I'm not even safe. I'm not even safe in the retirement village. Not at Starbucks, not at Kroger. I didn't even tell you the story that I walked around a corner in Kroger, and one of the stock guys, or whoever he was, is listening to our Fucking show on break. He's sitting outside smoking a cigarette. I hear my voice. I don't even think I told Astrid this. And he's listening to the commercial break. And I know that he is because I saw his phone and I saw our cover. He was listening to it. You think I said something? No, I didn't say anything. I walked right by. But it was kind of cool, I gotta say. Kind of cool. I was like, all right, cool. I don't know who he was. He was. I don't know who the guy was or what he did at Kroger, but he had one of those, like, you know, like stock boy Crocs on. He was a little bit older in age, but he was listening to one of our episodes from last week. Week. And I was like, holy shit. Really? Now that certainly is the first time that's ever happened. I've never heard our show out in the wild. But anyway, so Joan goes, well, that's one way to put it.
- [72:02]
Chrissy
It's like. It's like what? I said. Kelly's mother in law was. You know, I. I listened to the podcast.
- [72:09]
Brian Greene
Yeah.
- [72:10]
Chrissy
And I was like, yeah, yeah. And then that's it.
- [72:13]
Brian Greene
That's the only conversation. So I said, well, k. Kids, we gotta go.
- [72:20]
Chrissy
That's one way to put it.
- [72:22]
Brian Greene
And Joan said, well, I'm not a listener of the show, but I'm sure it's great. And that's when I said, it's not for everybody, Jon.
- [72:36]
Chrissy
It's not for everybody. It's not for everybody. Oh, my God. We need to start talking like that.
- [72:50]
Brian Greene
What's that? I know. Fly. Gr.
- [72:52]
Chrissy
What time we're recording tomorrow?
- [72:54]
Brian Greene
Oh, my flirting.
- [73:00]
Chrissy
Oh, the adventures and retirement home continue.
- [73:06]
Brian Greene
The very least, I know that every time I go to that retirement home, I'm coming away with something to talk about. Yeah, that's it. I should go there more often. Astrid said, somebody wrote on our YouTube. And I got to give you credit, whoever you are, I love this podcast. But only. Only Brian, I think it was. I think he said, only Brian or only we or whatever. Only Brian would think of a name of a thing. We all hate listening. Listening and watching. Fair enough. Fair enough.
- [73:41]
Chrissy
That is fair.
- [73:42]
Brian Greene
That is fair. It's fair. No one likes the commercial break. The commercial break. No one likes it. That's our new tagline, the commercial break. No one likes it. All right, everyone, settle down. We got another. We got more work to do. All right? So save it. Save it for the next one. All right?
- [74:00]
Chrissy
12 days.
- [74:00]
Brian Greene
1212 hours of TCB 12 hours of TCB May 31st starting at 9 or 10am Just pay attention. You'll figure it out and I'll explain why on the during the 12 hours of TCB 12 back at least 12 back to back episodes of the commercial break raise awareness for your mental health. Everyone's mental health. Also, to celebrate five years of doing this show show six seasons. We'll be reviewing it all. We'll be reviewing it all on May 31st. If you want to call in and participate. 212-433-TCB 212-433-TCB, text us and we'll let you know how you can participate at the commercial break on Instagram TCB podcast on tick tock YouTube.com the commercial break for all the episodes on videos same day they air here on audio@tcb podcast.com Keep up with all the comings and goings. Get your free sticker. Okay Chrissy, that's all I can do for now?
- [74:58]
Chrissy
I think so.
- [74:59]
Brian Greene
I'll tell you that I love you I love you I'll say best to you until next time we must say we will say we do say goodbye Sat Are you buying a home in California? Yeah. It can feel like trying to solve a puzzle with a hundred missing pieces. I remember searching for my first home, thinking, how does anyone do this without losing their mind? I wish I could go back and tell myself that the first step you should take is to find Find a realtor. They make everything make sense. From pre approvals to paperwork, from offers to closing. It's someone that you can trust that'll walk you through it all. They'll answer all the questions, even ones you don't know to ask. And when things are feeling a little bit overwhelming, you can count on them to keep you grounded. That kind of steady support, you cannot get that from going it alone or guesswork. A realtor knows the ins and outs of the California real estate market market and helps turn what feels like impossible into done. Don't let what you don't know stop you from starting your next chapter. Find your realtor@championsofhome.com. that's championsofhome.com.