A Tantra Master!

Summary

The Commercial Break – "A Tantra Master!" (May 16, 2025)

Hosts: Bryan Green and Krissy Hoadley
Podcast Type: Improv-comedy, variety, sex & pop culture commentary
Episode Theme:
This episode mixes TCB’s signature offbeat banter with a deep pop-culture dive into the Menendez brothers case, a tongue-in-cheek “Ask TCB: Sex Edition” segment, and a nostalgic look at legendary sex educator Sue Johanson. The hosts riff on everything from prison sentencing reform and the psychology of eye contact during sex to the perils of Crocs in bed and the wonders of vaginal farts.

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Main Topics & Key Discussions

1. The Menendez Brothers: Justice, Abuse, and Pop Culture

[05:11–23:41]

• Background Recap:
  Bryan outlines the Menendez case: two brothers convicted of murdering their wealthy parents, citing years of physical, mental, and sexual abuse by their father (who managed the boy band Menudo).

  “The Menendez brothers... lived this life of opulence... but the father was known to be an extreme hard ass.”
  — Bryan [08:49]

• Media & Trial Coverage:
  Multiple TV dramatizations (e.g., Ryan Murphy’s “American Crime Story”) reignited public debate; Bryan and Krissy discuss factual liberties in Hollywood recreations.

• Trial & Sentencing Insight:

  • First trial ended in a hung jury; the second found them guilty.
  • Abuse claims were largely barred from defense testimony.
  • Recent developments: resentenced from “life without parole” to “50 to life,” making them newly eligible for parole after 30+ years.

  “If the parole board… finds that there is some genuine remorse and growth… then I think you’ve paid your debt to society.”
  — Bryan [18:08]

• Psychology of Trauma:
  Bryan links childhood trauma to later psychological struggle:

  “Your psyche does not stand one fucking iota of a chance. You are dunzy.”
  — Bryan [16:07]

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2. Religion, Hell, and Internet Riffs

[21:47–24:03]

• Dogma & Hellfire:
  Bryan describes seeing contrasting preachers on Instagram—one seeking to free Christians from “fear-based” beliefs around hell, another aggressively deconstructing Christianity.

  “I liked that vibe… Still don’t believe in the dogma, but I liked that.”
  — Bryan [22:46]

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3. Ask TCB: Sex Edition—Listener Questions with Unfiltered Advice

[26:33–46:51]

A. Crocs During Sex

• Question: Boyfriend insists on wearing bright yellow Crocs for “traction.”
• Advice: Bryan and Krissy reject Crocs-in-bed as a red flag bordering on grounds for divorce.

  “When you bring those Crocs into bed, you’ve taken Disney adult into a whole new realm.”
  — Bryan [28:28]

B. Edible Body Paint Disaster (with Dog)

• Question: Listener’s dog licked up “raspberry glaze” from the aftermath.
• Advice: Close the door before sex with pets; give the dog a bath.

  “This is the problem with animals. They get awful curious when you’re procreating.”
  — Bryan [32:04]

C. Eye Contact—Too Intense?

• Question: Girlfriend says too much eye contact during sex is “serial killer” vibes.
• Bryan’s Take:
  • Eye contact is good, but “use it sparingly… to show connection and compassion.”

  “Now, as a guy who is basically a tantra master—”
  — Bryan [38:03]

  • Eye contact exercises at tantra retreats are “not a dry eye in the house” after 15 minutes, but sex might not call for that intensity.

D. Pegging & Prostate Play

• Subtopic: Pegging enters the conversation; Bryan invites listeners to share experiences.

  “Get pegged, stare at yourself, problem solved. Thank you, TCB!”
  — Bryan [40:20]

E. Spanking—Bravo?

• Question: Listener loves spanking but husband claps and yells “Bravo!” instead.
• Advice: Clear communication and gentle instruction—maybe watch Fifty Shades of Grey together.

  “You gotta teach them. You gotta be instructive. Because guys, sometimes we just don’t get it.”
  — Bryan [42:50]

F. The Sensual Hover / Sexy Ghost

• Question: Listener initiates sex by “hovering…like a sexy ghost”; wife says it’s more Cirque du Soleil.
• Advice: If your moves make her laugh “at you, not with you,” it’s time for a new playbook.

  “I think she’s about to sexy ghost you.”
  — Bryan [44:33]

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4. Sex Education Flashback: The Legacy of Sue Johanson

[47:41–60:32]

• Intro to Sue Johanson:

  • Legendary Canadian sex educator (“Talk Sex with Sue Johanson”) known for frank, clinical advice.
  • Bryan and Krissy reminisce about learning things from her infomercials.

• Standout Clip Highlights:

  • Mythbusting: “Dentists can see if you swallow a lot from your throat?” Sue: “An awful lot of people in an awful lot of trouble if that’s true.” [51:46]
  • No Sex in Hot Tubs:

    “You are forcing water into her vagina… it’s got chlorine in it... You wonder why her vagina gets sore…” — Sue Johanson [52:17]

  • Queefing is OK!:

    “Vaginal farts are wonderful things! … Guys can’t do it, and ours don’t stink. Theirs do.” — Sue Johanson [54:06]

  • Condoms for Anal & Hygiene:

    “That rectum has feces in there. Feces are loaded with bacteria… I’m not worried about him. I’m worried about you.” [55:25]

  • Novelty Sex Toys:
    • Demonstrates “vibrating turbo suction tongue” and a sex toy with a camera that “puts your genitals on TV.”

    “Thank God it’s in black and white now.”
    — Sue Johanson [58:41]

• Sue’s Legacy:
  Warm tribute to Johanson, who passed at 93:

  “She was brave. She was incredible.”
  — Bryan & Krissy [60:19]

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Notable Quotes

• On Crocs in Bed:

  “My kids love to wear Crocs, but I think adults who wear Crocs have problems. That’s my opinion.” — Bryan [27:44]

• On Trauma:

  “After that kind of abuse… Your psyche does not stand one fucking iota of a chance.” — Bryan [16:07]

• On Sue Johanson’s Approach:

  “We need somebody like this who gives it to you straight, tells you life is not a porn movie…most sex is clunky, funny, smelly, interesting, fun, adventurous, scary.” — Bryan [50:48]

• On Communication in Sex:

  “You can say anything to anybody, it’s about how you say it.” — Bryan [43:34]

• On Pegging Trend:

  “If you’re into pegging or your husband’s into pegging… text us… I’d like to talk about this further.” — Bryan [40:20]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Menendez Brothers Deep Dive: [05:11–24:03]
• Ask TCB Sex Edition Q&A: [26:33–46:51]
  • Crocs & Sex [27:04–30:40]
  • Dogs in Bed [30:42–34:01]
  • Eye Contact [37:36–38:43]
  • Pegging [40:09–41:53]
  • Spanking [42:03–43:58]
  • Sensual Hover [44:01–46:09]
• Sue Johanson / Sex Education Retrospective: [47:41–60:32]

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Memorable Moments

• Musical Comedy Opener:
  The episode opens with a tongue-in-cheek love song, “I have a cut, cut cuckoo crush on you,” parodying late-night radio dedications—a signature Comedy Break bit.
• Sue Johanson’s “Vibrating Turbo Suction Tongue”:
  Bryan and Krissy crack up as Sue demonstrates retro sex gadgets, highlighting how mainstream sex education once was (and should be!).
• Bryan’s “Tantra Master” Revelation:
  Bryan joking about his “retreats, prostate massage at all” when discussing intimacy—recurring TCB self-effacing humor.

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Overall Vibe & Tone

Irreverent, improvisational, empathetic, and joyfully NSFW. Both hosts balance real talk (on trauma, sex, and self-awareness) with constant playful ribbing, tangents, and over-the-top analogies. The episode delivers a blend of sex-positive education, cultural nostalgia, and “just fine” anti-expert wisdom.

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Recommended For:
Anyone who likes their sex advice with a side of sarcasm and ‘90s pop culture, or who wants a reminder that communication, humor, and exploration are all vital to both relationships and personal growth.

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Best To You!

Transcript

[Ricky the Lipsmith]

Oh, yeah. Fellow lovers, it's late night love on wshit. Ricky the Lipsmith just here with you playing those silkiest smooth tunes to get you in the mood. Got a special request from Janet, who just called to tell me she is sitting in a hot tub with a little bubbly and thinking about making lovely. Well, Janet, Knick knack paddy whack. Give this bone. Let me not delay. Let us play that tune you have been requesting. And you are not the only one. The brand new one rocking up the Crabapple charts right now from Lorenzo Velvet Delacroix. This one tickles me. Straight in the fickle box, if you know what I mean. Here's the song that's taking the Crabapple Township by storm with his version of I have a cuck cuckoo crush on you. I'm gonna lay down this lather and I'll see you on the backside of the matter.

[Lorenzo Velvet Delacroix]

I saw you in there in the VIP bottle service in Hennessy. My heart went crazy, it skipped a beat. I thought that you could be with me. I walk over to you, we lock eyes. You're my wife and I realize you're with my friend and it's no surprise. Watching you two makes my flag rise.

[Song Vocals / Chorus]

I have a cut, cut crush on you. I have a cut, cut crush on you. I hide in and let you do what you do. I have a cut, cut crush on you.

[Lorenzo Velvet Delacroix]

So baby, grab your phone, start to swipe. We need to spend some time getting it right. I don't want you to be alone tonight. I want you to cheat without a fight. When you're in the bed with my favorite guy. I hide myself and try not cry. I love you lady but I won't lie. My therapist even wonders why.

[Song Vocals / Chorus]

I have a cut, cut crush on you. I have a cut, cut crush on you. I hide closet, let you do what you do. I have a cut, cut crush on you.

[Lorenzo Velvet Delacroix]

Grab a man and let's paint the town. I'll stay in the corner and watch it all go down. I promise not to make a sound while you a neighbor, ground and pound. It's so lovely to be your do what the other guys can. But when you're happy I feel grand. He can be your lion, I'll be your lamb.

[Song Vocals / Chorus]

I have a cut, cut crush on you. I have a cut, cut crush on you. I hide in the closet, let you do what you do. I have a cut, cut crush on you. I have a cut, cut crush on you. I hide in the closet, let you do what you do. I have a cut cut crush on you. I love to watch. I have a cut, cut crush on you. I just love watching dudes. I have a cut, cut crush on you. Feel free to get loose. I have a cut, cut crush on you.

[Ricky the Lipsmith]

On this episode of the commercial break.

[Brian Green]

I'd rather you looking at my eyes than my body. If I'm being honest about it. Rather you look at my eyes and my body because I, you know, everybody has some part of their body that they don't like and mine is from the chin down. Now, I agree with eye contact, but I think you should use it sparingly and I think it totally sparingly. But use it in moments to show connection and compassion. It's like a communication Right now as a guy who is like basically a tantra master.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Well, I mean, you have been to quite a few retreats.

[Brian Green]

I have been to quite a few retreats. Prostate massage.

[Ricky the Lipsmith]

The next episode of the commercial break starts now.

[Song Vocals / Chorus]

The 30 in the morning.

[Brian Green]

Oh, yeah. Cats and kittens, welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and the co host of this show, Chris Joy Hoadley. Best to you bestie Brian and best to you out there in the podcast universe. Thanks for joining us. I certainly do appreciate it. The Menendez brothers have now been re sentenced to 50 to life instead of life without parole. Yep, I just read that. And that's a big deal because that means that there is a life likelihood that at least in their lifetimes they will see the other side of a jail cell. And I don't know what to make of it.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Well, they've served 30 or 35.

[Brian Green]

30.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

30 years.

[Brian Green]

30 years. No, 35, you're right. Yeah, 30. Well, the murder happened in 1989. I think their second, by the time they got to their second trial, it was like five years later. But I don't think they were out in bail. I think they went to jail pretty quickly after it happened, like a couple months after it happened. But the Menendez brothers, who were just the subject of a great FX show, American Crime Story, the Menendez brothers, that was a fantastic television. Did you watch it?

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

I did, yeah.

[Brian Green]

Fantastic television.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

And then there was a second one too.

[Brian Green]

It was like a documentary too.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Like one thing comes out on one channel and then another does. That's what they do a different way.

[Brian Green]

There is no originality in Hollywood, I am telling you, is that everybody has to copycat other people. But by the way, this has been happening in Hollywood for a very long time. Like airplane comes out and then they put out the disaster movie. You know what I'm saying? Like, yeah, they're always chasing the good idea. And it's not unusual for someone to run around town with a script that someone likes. They pass on it, somebody else picks it up. And then to get another writer to come in and do a story that's very similar, it's a. It's a shitty, shitty business. Everyone's ripping off the commercial break, too. Look at all the other mediocre comedy podcasts out there. So the Menendez brothers, in case you have your head in a hole, the Menendez. And go watch American Crime Story. The Menendez brothers, because it's a fantastic television show on its own merits, but it does take a lot of creative liberties.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Yes, it's a Ryan Murphy creation.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, it's a Ryan Murphy creation. And he's not known to stick to the script all the time, but it's generally loosely based. I mean, pretty. Let's put it this way. I would say it's like 70%. He intended to try and make it. He intended to try and make it as real as he wanted to. So the Menendez brothers were these two brothers, an older, an older and a younger. Come on, what. What else would there be?

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Brian starting off strong.

[Brian Green]

Oh, I'm in one of those moods where I'm overly verbosed today. Too much coffee. The two brothers, Eric and Lyle, lived in a household with Kitty and whatever his name was. The older the guy. The father was the guy who signed Menudo, the very famous Mexican boy band that became like a super crazy pop sensation in the 80s. Now they're even a little bit before my time. Like, I. I don't think.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Me too.

[Brian Green]

I don't think I would have been.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Interested in the minute was a part of it.

[Brian Green]

Ricky Martin.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Ricky Martin, yeah.

[Brian Green]

It was like this group, like this nebulous group of Mexican boys, and they would, like switch in and out. It was like a Nickelodeon show where all of a sudden your favorite boy had hair on his testicles. So the next boy would come in, you know what I'm saying? They would switch in and out. His voice would change and they'd kick him out and they'd bring in the new soprano singer, the new Michael Jackson. But a few famous people came out of there. And this is relevant to the story. So the story goes that they live this life of opulence and riches in Hollywood. However, the father was known to be an extreme hard ass.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

And he really pushed those boys to the extreme in whatever they did. And when they got in trouble, all hell and fire would rain down on them, including physical abuse and, according to.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Them, mental and sexual.

[Brian Green]

Mental and sexual abuse. Now, this was a big bone of contention, pun intended, at the trial, because some people believe. They made up the story last minute because there wasn't a ton of evidence, and because Kitty was dead, she could not come to the boy's defense and share that she had been witnessing this, the entirety of their relationship. In other words, it was hidden. It was in secret.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Several family members.

[Brian Green]

Several family members said that they suspected.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

And saw weird things.

[Brian Green]

Suspected. Saw weird things. And that the boys at one time said something to them long before the murders happened. So one night, the boys just had enough. They felt like their lives were in danger, like they were going to get abused again. Something had happened. The father was pissed off. And they felt like they were not only about to be maybe physically assaulted or sexually assaulted again. They couldn't take the abuse, but they also felt like he had cut them out of the will. And that drove them to kind of this point of madness. And they walked in with a shotgun and they murdered their parents in cold blood. While they were. While the parents were watching tv. They then went on an enormous shopping spree, living it high on the hog in the Hollywood hotel.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Well, one of them did. I think the older one. Is that Lyle?

[Brian Green]

Eric.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

That's Eric. Okay. He did. Which I saw that. Like, that's how he.

[Brian Green]

No, Lyle. You're right. I think it's Lyle. Lyle or Eric. One of the two. Yes. The older one.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, that turned out to be wearing a toupee, too.

[Brian Green]

He was wearing a toupee the whole time, to the surprise of a nation. When he showed up one day without.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

That toupee, I guess his. You know, in stressful situations, he went shopping, which I guess some people do. And then the younger brother actually went to, like, another country and played tennis.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, he tried to become a professional tennis player. And he was living out in, I think, Italy or France or one of those places. But they also then decided that because of this, they needed to go. They had been going to a family therapist, and they decided they needed to go to the therapist and talk about this. Or the younger one did. And when the younger one went to talk to the therapist, the therapist serendipitously, or, excuse me, surreptitiously. Not serendipitously, Brian. That means whatever. Anyway, you get it. Recorded them and recorded their confessions. Recorded the younger one's confession that he had. That they had murdered their father. Then the Older brother came in. And then all of a sudden this guy, this kind of like hack psychiatrist was.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Yes, he was a total affair with the secretary. And she was.

[Brian Green]

She was involved. And then there was like blackmail involved. It was a whole fucking thing. I mean, everybody was trying to get at the money, basically, at the end of the day. And they got arrested because now there was evidence that clearly pointed. There was always evidence appointed to them. They had bought the gun, they had bought all kind of shit. There was. They had receipts in the back of the car for the gun that was used. I mean, it was like a whole shit show. They didn't plan it out all that well. And their defense was basically, hey, we were abused. And we felt, we feared for our lives. And everybody else in the world was like, well, then why'd you go on a multimillion dollar shopping spree and tried to get into the will and tried to make sure that everything came your direction as far as the cash and the assets were concerned. So they went to jail. That's bottom line. They went to jail. First trial, hung jury, second trial, guilty. They went to jail for life. Life without parole. That was the sentence.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

This was right around the time as the O.J.

[Brian Green]

Correct.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Yeah. Trial.

[Brian Green]

It was the O.J. simpson trial.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

And they had just let him off.

[Brian Green]

So then homie wasn't playing that.

[Rachel]

Right.

[Brian Green]

The judge didn't allow in half the evidence. He wanted to quicken up the trial. He did not want a media circus. He let the prosecutors run rip shot on any defense. He didn't allow the sexual abuse defense, actually, he said there was not evidence. And that wasn't. That wasn't a viable defense for murdering somebody. And so until this movie came out that Ryan Murphy did, the Menendez brothers were under the jail without a key. They were never getting out of jail because no one gave a shit about what happened to the Menendez brothers. It's been 30 years. They've gotten married, they've become, you know, they've graduated multiple degrees and caught. I mean, they. They were going to spend the rest of their life in jail. There was no doubt about it. And I don't even think they were trying to get out of jail. Jail, to be honest. They just kind of like were resigned to the fate.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

That they murdered their parents. And that was it. And only until, I mean, not until Ryan Murphy came out with this crazy kind of very dramatized series did anyone take a look back and go, wait, holy shit. These kids were aped from the time that they were children by the father who then manipulated them mentally, physically, emotionally and sexually. And no one thought that maybe that would drive them to a point of madness. And Kitty, the mother, never once stood up for them, never once got in the way, never once put herself in front of the father to defend her children or to help them from harm. I think that's the greatest crime of all, to be honest. I mean, they're all crimes, but I think one of the equally as terrible crime is the mother never saying a word, never getting in the middle of it. That, to me, is a crime in and of itself, punishable by life in prison. If you see a child being harmed or any. Any person, any vulnerable person being harmed in that manner, you gotta fucking speak up. You gotta do something. You can't just sit there because your Mercedes Benz needs an oil change and you don't know how you're gonna pay for it. Yeah, that's bullshit. There's plenty of mothers out there, and fathers to that, for that matter, who have walked out on those kind of relationships to save the children. To save the fucking children. Anyway, I don't want to get on my high horse. Listen, here's the point. Menendez brothers got resentenced not from. Not from life without parole, but from 50 to life. 50 to life with a chance of parole. So that means that on June 13, they're going to go in front of the parole board for the first time, when before there was zero chance they would ever get in front of a parole board. A lot of people think they should spend all their lives in jail. A lot of people think that they've served their time. It's kind of a question of, you know, it's not even a question of legality now. It's a question in as far as opinions are concerned, about how you feel about that defense. Does that warrant murder? Does that warrant a murder? I don't know, because I haven't been there. But I can only imagine that kind of torture would drive me to madness.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

I agree.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. And so, you know, Eric and Lyle, listen.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Well, I mean, especially too, when that's like, you know, when you've grown up, like you're developing brain.

[Brian Green]

Yeah.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

That's all you know. Yeah. I can see how you wouldn't even know to go. Who's gonna believe me, you know, to like, go to the police or something? Cause it was supposedly happening since a young age.

[Brian Green]

Young, like. But pre puberty. Right. And the older one first and then the younger one, and to be completely like. And who knows if this is true or this Is not true. There are no eyewitnesses to this except for the two brothers. But apparently the older brother did on multiple times come to the defense of the younger brother, telling the father, if you touch him again, I'm gonna kill you. Like I'm gonna kill you. And that is what precipitated the murder. They all, they got into a tizzy one night, believing that the abuse was gonna happen again or worse. And the older brother convinced the younger brother, it's, this is the time, we gotta do it now. Got to go do this. At least according to books and movies and Ryan Murphy's series, right? And who knows if that's actually true. As someone who is close to someone who suffered that kind of abuse as a child, the psyche knows no chance. After that kind of abuse. Your psyche does not stand one fucking iota of a chance. You are dunzy. That's it. It doesn't matter if you get therapy for the rest of your life. You are inexorably tied to that kind of abuse and pain. And you can live a normal life. Maybe, you know, I don't know. But it will always be there. It will be omnipresent. It's like, you know, it's like anything in life, anything super traumatic that happens when your brain is developing or even after your brain is developing. You. You know guys who go to war as full grown adults, right, and they come back and they're changed in a way that they cannot. That can never be undone. Or Katy Perry, when she goes to space and she's changed in a way that cannot be undone. God, she's like her career has been changed in a way that cannot be undone.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Looking good on that front.

[Brian Green]

Anyway, I thought it was interesting enough to talk about because, you know, after the. I was alive, young but alive, when the Menendez brothers trial happened. The first one was, was on air and I remember that my mom was kind of obsessed a little bit.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Oh, everybody was captivated. The country, everybody was. Then, then parents were scared that kids were going to kill them. Yes, it was a whole thing.

[Brian Green]

It was mania. It was mania. It was like right after devil worshiping mania came the Menendez brothers mania. Yeah. And then hair metal mania and then grunge mania. Everyone was going to be Kurt Cobain and off themselves. You know, it was like, there's a lot of mania with parents. And now as a parent, I can understand. I have like Labubu mania. You know what I'm saying? I'm in Labubu mania. That's what I'm doing 5:30. And listen, I, my personal belief is 30 years is a long time to spend in prison. It's a long time to think about what you've done. And if the parole board, in their infinite wisdom, and I'm sure they're really good at this, finds that there is some genuine remorse and growth and learning from this, then I think you've paid your debt to society. There are lots of people who murder people who get out of jail. Lots and lots and lots. Lots of people who get out of jail after murdering people, shooting someone, whatever it is. And so I think if you find that these extenuating circumstances warrant, if you find that there is credible evidence to warrant the circuit, the defense, that they in fact were abused to the point of mania, to the, to the driven to the point of murder, and you feel that they have paid their debt to society, then they should have a chance to live a life on the outside.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

And here's the thing, I mean, that's another 20 years. They're still going to be in jail.

[Brian Green]

Well, no, they know they'll get, they'll get parole now because you only serve that 30. So you. So the way that the California state or the penitentiary system works is that they are now eligible for parole at, with that 50 to life. Right.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

But they haven't served 50.

[Brian Green]

They haven't served 50, but they'll get paroled for the last 20.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Oh, okay.

[Brian Green]

And then if they reoffend, they would go back for the 20. Right. That's how the parole system got it. It's complicated, but I read about it and a lot, because the prison systems have this weird system where you, you get this, but you can serve that. That's why.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Right.

[Brian Green]

And eligible for, eligible for parole. And, and that doesn't mean you're gonna get. It just means you go in front of the parole board. A lot of people I think don't get it the first time. You know, it's like the fourth time or fifth time. And I think you can only go up for parole maybe like once every three years or something like that. So it's a really long wait. If you don't get it, it's a, it's a really long wait. But listen, they get out and here's the thing, they're now in their 50s, maybe 60s, I don't know, 50s or 60s or they're going to be in their 50s or 60s. Here's the thing, those boys get out of jail, they're not going to want for a fucking thing. They're Going to go right back into the lap of luxury because they're going to have every book, TV and movie offer available to them forever and ever. Amen. Those guys are going to be. Those guys are going to be doing the podcast, like the commercial break for the rest of their lives and getting paid.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, everybody's going to want to talk.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. They're going to do a TED Talk. I just see it all going down right now. You know, it's like that. Who's. The other girl? Killed her mom and now she's out and. Yeah, yeah.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

But with the prox by proxy or what?

[Brian Green]

Munchausen by proxy. Munchausen. Proxy. I know it's a very serious thing, but it is the weirdest name to give a syndrome that's so serious. Do you know what I'm saying? Munchausen by proxy. Munchausen by proxy.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Oh, God.

[Brian Green]

Oh, we're going to hell. Oh, no. We're going to hell. Chrissy and I are going to hell. We already know that, so that's okay. We've. Yeah. I was speaking of hell, watching a very interesting preacher on Instagram who's running around talking to Christians about how the concept of hell, the fact that they were taught. When they were taught about Jesus and the hell concept came along with it, they were, like, kind of doomed to a life of fear, regret, sin, constant apology, like, essentially just like tearing at their own psyches.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Right. As very young age. And he's on a mission to free Christianity from this kind of original sin where you're going to hell if you don't repent kind of thing that, you know, Christ loves everybody, and Christ taught us to love everybody. And you can. Doesn't matter if you walk in into a booth and kneel and Do50 Hail Marys, everything's gonna be cool. And I liked that.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Me, too.

[Brian Green]

I liked that. I still don't believe in the dogma of religion, but I did like that vibe. I was like, hey, that's pretty cool. I like that guy. Meanwhile, he was in a backyard with, like, five people in picnic chairs. He was not preaching. He was not preaching to a huge crowd, but it's okay. I think they had like, 12 views. But hey, he had less views than the commercial break. And when you do that, you're really on the right direction. You're really headed somewhere. In other words. I don't think the idea's taken off quite yet. No.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

But hey, if it reaches. Reaches a few people.

[Brian Green]

If it reaches one or two and. But then meanwhile, then I flip to Two screens later, and there's, like, this girl who was in an evangelical church, like, all her life, and she's on a mission to just tear it down. She's like, this is bullshit. It's a cold. Da, da, da, da, yada, yada, yada. And I was like, oh, okay, now she was firing brimstone in the opposite direction.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Like, really going at it. And then. Well, I mean, I don't want to talk about all my Instagram reels. And then 5:30, I think I'm gonna be that guy. I think that was my future self sitting in that activity.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

I saw a funny one last night. I'll show you during the break, but that's pretty funny.

[Brian Green]

Okay, please, please, please do. I would like to see that. All right, let's take a break. I have lots to get to. It's only midweek, and there's so much to do. It's gonna spill over into next week. I've got Ask TCB Sex Edition. I've saved all the sex questions. Yeah. So I've got five or six of those, and then I'd like to take a look back if we have time. If we don't roll into tomorrow, Sue Johansen, one of the original television sex educators. A lot of people think of Dr. Ruth.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

As the original, but the Canadian Sue Johansen was an infomercial sex educator back in the 90s, and I remember her. And I got some video of her. I think you're going to like this. I'm going to throw it back. You're going to know exactly what I'm talking about the second that you see here. All right, let's take a break. We'll be back.

[Rachel]

Okay. You're probably wondering why I, Rachel, have taken over the voice duties at tcb. It's pretty simple. Astrid asked me to shut Brian up, even for a minute. Well, lovely Astrid, your wish is my command. Do you want to help Astrid, too? You know you do. Leave a message for her or me or Chrissy at 212-4333 TCB. That's 212-433-3822. You can be on the show, too. Just call and say something, anything. Or text us, and we'll text you right back. Promise. Then head over to tcbpodcast.com and get your free sticker. It's your constitutional right to a sticker, and we must abide. You get the point? Follow us on Instagram at the commercial break and watch all the episodes on [e-mail] thecommercial break. Best to you and Astrid. Especially Astrid.

[Brian Green]

All right. It's been a long time coming to start this segment. It's been a long time coming since we've done an ask tcb. And I want to thank all the faithful listeners who have written in over the years.

[Rachel]

Years.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

I was about to say these might be a couple years old.

[Brian Green]

Sorry, so sorry. But I just want you to know, best to you. Best to you. Best to you. You gotta send me that.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

That's a great one.

[Brian Green]

It is a great one. We got to go out and, and record in downtown, if you know what I'm talking about. Anyway, we'll talk about that later.

[Ricky the Lipsmith]

All right.

[Brian Green]

Okay, so we'd like to do some ask tcb. Sex style. Sexual style. Here it goes. Turn off the. Turn off the. If you're listening to this in the car with your kids, I've said this many times before, and I'll say it again, you're an idiot. But. But definitely turn off this one. That's for sure. All right, so I'm taking the names out of this because while some. I know some of the people's names, I didn't get specific permission to ask them, so. And I shortened some of these up just to just so we could pop it along. Chrissy, ready?

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

I'm ready.

[Brian Green]

Okay. This one is from Sacramento, California. Chrissy. It says, my boyfriend insists on wearing Crocs every time we have sex.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

What?

[Brian Green]

He's only got one pair. They're bright yellow. He says it gives him traction and that traction gives him confidence. I say it gives me the ick and a foot shaped bruise on my thigh. Should I set him on fire or just learn to love the squeak? Well, that's strange. I mean, it is. My kids love to wear Crocs, but I think adults who wear Crocs have problems. That's my opinion.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Yeah. Certainly not during sex.

[Brian Green]

You know, the number one sign of a Disney adult is Crocs. Crocs. That's it. Crocs. And I just won't go down. My wife keeps trying to convince. Every summer, nine summers running, my wife has tried to convince me to get a pair of Crocs, saying, they're wonderful, they feel good. I've even tried them on in stores in Spain.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

I have to. But I can't.

[Brian Green]

I just can't bring myself. I cannot bring myself do it either. Listen, I'm a Sandals kind of guy.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

And I've learned even to. To temper that just a little bit. So if I'm going to a place where I know it's not going to be extremely clean. Like when I go to Europe, I don't wear. Usually I don't wear sandals, first of all, because people think people know.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Yes, that's a sure sign.

[Brian Green]

You're like a fucking lighthouse in a storm. If you wear sandals in Europe, you are flip flops. Flip flops. You are a dumb American. That's right. You are a dumb American. You look like a dumb American. Why are you wearing flip flops now? Last couple summers I've noticed that more Europeans are wearing flip flops than I've ever seen.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Beautiful leather ones.

[Brian Green]

They're gorgeous. Yeah, beautiful leather ones. That's right. $3,000 flip flops, right? Yeah. But still, when you're walking the streets of Paris, the last thing you want is open toed shoes. It's just one of those things you don't. There's just different sanitary conditions in different places. It's not a dirty place. Paris isn't by any stretch of the imagination. But when you bring those crocs into bed, when you're bringing the crocs into bed, you've taken Disney adult into a whole new realm. And I would tell you immediately, get a divorce. Seek a divorce attorney. There's no reason Sacramento to be living in this kind of shame and filth. Not to mention I don't want people wearing shoes in bed. Right. I just don't.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, like fine, maybe, maybe you don't even. You don't have to take them off in the house. But I mean, no, you can't go into the bed.

[Brian Green]

You cannot go into the bed with shoes on.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

No.

[Brian Green]

Do you remember that first season, second season of Love is Blind and there was a dude. And the second they got to the honeymoon jam suite or whatever it was down in Mexico, the guy jumps on the bed, shoes and all.

[Sue Johansen]

Oh, yeah.

[Brian Green]

And I thought, this is it. You're done. This guy is no good. He's trash. You should he. This marriage isn't gonna work out. And I was right about that. People who think it's okay to wear shoes in bed have mental issues. Yeah, mental issues.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

No, no, no shoes on the bed or around the bed. Yeah.

[Brian Green]

I mean, ask my children. I don't freak out a lot on my kids, but I will freak out if they're wearing shoes on the bed. I will freak out. Yeah, it's gross. You just went standing your pee pee poo poo and now you're bringing your pee pee poo poo into my bed. I already have your pee pee poo poo in the bed. Tell this guy to get out of your life. Is he your husband? Did he say his boyfriend? Okay, that's easy. No, you don't get lawyers involved. Get out. Get out now.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

It's a yellow flag, if you will.

[Brian Green]

It's a big yellow. Yeah, and then yellow. What are we doing? He's got a fetish. There's a fetish. A yellow croc fetish or something. I don't know what it is, but. All right. Our friend in Tulsa asks. My wife and I tried to spice things up with a little edible body paint.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Ooh.

[Brian Green]

But we forgot that our dog also sleeps in the bed. Things got sticky, and a threesome started.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

No.

[Brian Green]

Now, how do I get the raspberry glaze out of my golden retriever's fur? As the second and I. My wife. The second. My wife and I took it to the shower. We found our dog in the bed.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Oh, no.

[Brian Green]

Licking up all the fluids. This is a problem with animals. Yeah, it's the problem with having animals and sex. They stare at you, growl at you. They make weird noises at you. I've had a cat attack my penis before. It happened. Cat attacked my penis. Now, luckily, I had a sheet on, but it attacked my. My hard penis. It did. It was scary. And I'm allergic to cats.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

So it would double scary for me. I thought, I'm gonna die with an erection, and I don't even know that. I barely know this girl's name. Listen, this is the pro. This is the problem with animals. They get awful curious when you're procreating.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Well, not only that, but they'll eat their own, throw up and poop.

[Brian Green]

Blue is doing it for two nights a couple weeks ago.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

You know, they'll eat anything.

[Brian Green]

They'll eat anything. Yeah, I think you're. I think the dog's gonna survive. Like, give it a bath. It's gonna be okay. But I just have the general rule of thumb, and that is if you know you're gonna screw, if you know you're gonna do it.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Close the door.

[Brian Green]

Close the door. Get the animals out of the room. Because they are curious. They do not know. They do not understand. They oftentimes think you're hurting the other owner. I dated this girl, and she had, like, a bully. Like a bully mix. And the dog was friendly to a point. Right? It was, like, not the most friendly dog. I usually have pretty good vibe with dogs, except for Blue. I usually have, like, a pretty good vibe with dogs, you know, generally.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

They like me. I like them. Yeah. You know, most dogs can sense a good person from a bad.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Animals and babies can.

[Brian Green]

Animals and kids. That's right. And so I'm dating this girl. Not. Not for a long time, and. But I know the dog. I've seen two or three times seen him and. And then the first, like, spend the night at her house. We, like, we're drunk. We roll in the door. You know, we're on the couch. We're up against a wall. We're whatever. And that dog, at some point during the act, decided that I was hurting her, and he was baring his teeth and almost ready to bite. I mean, like. And it scared the out of me to the point where all action stopped immediately. I lost it immediately. I was like, oh, no, no, I'm not. You got to get that dog out. You. Like, there's.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Of course.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. And that. That. And we broke up.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Yeah. I was gonna say that didn't last.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Because it sounded like I was making an excuse as to why I was losing my erection. But, you know, I think she thought, well, guy can't keep it up. You know what I'm saying? But I just thought, I don't want to get my dick bed off.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

That's not sexy.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, I don't want to get my dick bit off. Listen, I think I told this story during the pandemic, right when we started the show. There was a bartender that I had known down in Atlanta, and somehow we became Facebook friends at some point along the line, but not a girl that I was, like, regularly communicating with.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

And one. You know, she was posting all this stuff, and then one day, she. One day I noticed that she had posted an image of her in a mirror, and she had a big bandage over the side of her head, but she didn't say anything. And she said how, like, you know, it was like one of those things, this is how my day is going, or this is how my week went or whatever.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

I hate that. It's like when people check in at the hospital, say nothing about it, Tell.

[Brian Green]

Me what the fuck is going on. Yeah, I k y n d Y n d y. And the girl who uses this phrase the most on my Instagram, who I actually have gotten away from even looking at, because I just don't care.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

I know. Yeah.

[Brian Green]

But the other week, there was a post, and it was like, I k y n d Y K N y d Y C y D. First of all, this girl always posts selfies of her in bathrooms and bathrooms where other people are behind her, other women are behind Her. What in the fuck is that? Why are you taking selfies of yourself in bathrooms? Why. Why do that? And it's not like the people are posing. They're taking a shit. They're coming to or from taking a shit. It's not cool. It doesn't. It doesn't make any sense. No one wants to be in your bathroom self. But it's always like, she's always posing, you know, this is the thing in a restaurant bathroom. Restaurants, airports, random clubs, bars. I mean, anywhere. Her own bath. It doesn't matter. Every bath. Anyway, she posts this thing, and it says, I K Y, D, N K Y. And it's a picture of her at the airport. And I'm like, it's an airport? Is that what we're guessing? And then the next. And then the next photo, it's a picture of the. The plane, you know, out a window. A plane in the sky and clouds. Okay. Why? Indicated. You know why. And I'm like, you're on a plane. Let me. Let me guess. And then the next one. Another airport. If, you know, you know.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

It really bothers you.

[Brian Green]

You're so awesome. Congratulations. Yeah, listen, take the dog, put it outside. First of all, give it a bath. The raspberry shit will come out. I mean, this is pretty easy math right here, right? Dog gets dirty, you give it a bath or you send it somewhere.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

As long as there's no, like, medical issue with what the dog ate.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, I think raspberries are okay.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, it's the chocolate I think is bad for dogs.

[Brian Green]

Chocolate is milk chocolate specifically is bad for dogs. As is. As are blueberries. Things with skins on them, I hear are not. Are not great, but I don't know why. Is it blueberries or is it raspberries? I can't remember. Anyway, it's one of those things. Check with your local authorities. Kenny says. Kenny gave me permission to use his name. Kenny says. My girlfriend says I make too much eye contact during sex, like I'm being too intense. I thought I was showing passion, but she says I look like a serial killer trying to read her mind. I'm considering sunglasses. I can't help it. It's just what I want to do. Sunglasses. Yeah, sunglasses. Cool. That will make you look like less of a serial killer who wears sunglasses indoors, especially at night. I just get suspicious of instantaneously. Well, yeah, I know you do.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, I like my sunglasses.

[Brian Green]

I know.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

But I would say this is a personal preference because I know a girl who really likes the eye contact, and I like eye contact. Too now. I mean, yeah, too intense. Might be, you know, it might make you self conscious, I guess, but, you know, just communicate.

[Brian Green]

I'd rather you looking at my eyes than my body. If I'm being honest about it. Whether you look at my eyes, at my body, because I, you know, everybody has some part of their body that they don't like. And mine is from the chin down. Now, I agree with eye contact, but I think you should use it sparingly. And I'm not like totally sparingly, but use it in moments to show connection and compassion. It's like a communication. Right now, as a guy who is like basically a tantrum master.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Well, I mean, you have been to quite a few retreats.

[Brian Green]

I have been to quite a few retreats. Prostate massage at all.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

You've got some books.

[Brian Green]

Yes. I will tell you, and I've said this to other people, one of the most intense exercises that you can do with anybody, any human being, but one that you have some kind of history with someone in a relationship or a friend, a family member, especially one that you love, that you like, not, that is not your blood relative, is to communicate with the eyes, literally a staring contest. But you have to do it for a period of time. 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 15 minutes. A lot of the retreats that I have been to start off this way with a perfect stranger or maybe someone I haven't known that well. And I can promise you, I know this sounds hokey pokey, but it is. And it might be, but it's true. Not a dry eye in the house. Stare at someone in their eyes for 15 or 20 minutes and you will start to see yourself in their eyes. There's a communication going on there that is like universal. It's like some weird energy being pushed back and forth and you start swimming kind of in your own humanness. So when you're having sex, right. I don't know that, that it's time for that kind of communication. Unless you're ready to go there, like at a super deep level. And maybe that's why what she's feeling is like this intense vibe coming at. And maybe what she would like is something a little bit more playful and fun.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Just switch positions.

[Brian Green]

That's it. I was about to say the same. I said, so my. Yeah, so get pegged. Yeah, yeah. So get pegged. And then a mirror in front of you and stare at yourself.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

That's a great idea.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Hey, listen, pegging is a thing. Guys are into it. I've actually seen a lot of guys Admitting to this on the social medias. I don't know why they're. Why they're so hep on pegging now. Like, it's becoming a trendy thing to talk about, but there's a lot of conversation about and around pegging. Actually, if you're into pegging or your husband's into pegging, or you're like, it's a. Pegging is the thing. Text us. 212-4333. TCB. I'd like to talk about this further. I've never been pegged. It's.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

You know, what's another prostate.

[Brian Green]

There's. I've had fingers involved, and I just didn't it. For me, it wasn't my favorite thing in the world. But again, I'm like, tight as a.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Maybe you didn't give it a chance.

[Brian Green]

I'm tight as a caboose. It's like every time I go in there to the get the prostate, like, you know, ring the bell, and the guy's like, okay, loosen up. And I'm like, that's as loose as it's gonna get, dude. He's like, everything okay? You stressed out? Yeah, I'm stressed out. You got a finger in my ass, bro. So not my thing. But I find it. I find it to be very cool that guys are out there talking about it and saying that, hey, this is my thing. I'm into it because. Because of the Tantra retreat, I understand that it could be a very pleasurable thing and that there's a lot of guys who are now into it. So get pegged, stare at yourself, problem solved. Thank you, tcb. Thank you. Thank you very much.

[Song Vocals / Chorus]

Brian got it wrong. Yeah, Brian got it wrong. Yeah, Brian got it wrong. Yeah, Ring it wrong again.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

You just love playing that.

[Brian Green]

I do. I think it's such a catchy song. I really do. This is our friend in Wichita. I recently discovered that I loved being spanked. My husband recently discovered he's bad at spanking. Like, he claps but not spanks. And sometimes he even says things while he's spanking. One night, he yelled, bravo. Bravo. Bravo. What is he, Italian? Bravo. How do I explain that this is not improv night? The night at the local comedy shop, and that I want something more 50 shades of gray than Red Lobster. That's a good one, actually.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Watch fifty Shades of Gray.

[Brian Green]

Watch fifty Shades of Gray them. That's it. That's what you gotta do. You gotta teach them. You gotta be instructive. There's one thing that I've learned from all my time of being a man, it's that you have to be instructive. Because guys, we just. Sometimes we just don't get it.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Women like it too. Women like to know what's working and what's not working for the other partner. Even as I was speaking with our friend Rachel this morning, Even house cleaners need to be told what to do in bed.

[Sue Johansen]

Wow.

[Brian Green]

What's going on over at Rachel's house? That's kinky. I like that. I like the thought of someone coming in to dust Rachel's computer all of a sudden. They're on the floor now, but if.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Something'S amiss, tell the other person what's wrong.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, okay. Yes, of course people need communication. You're right about this. It's like instruction is not a bad thing. And I say to my kids a lot, you can say anything to anybody. It's about how you say it. And so be instructive, be kind, be gentle. Or do a little show and tell. Here's how you do it. Turn the other cheek, so to speak.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Exactly.

[Brian Green]

And give him a smack or two.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

This is how I like it.

[Brian Green]

This is how I like it. That's right. Okay, that was an easy one.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, that's a solid one.

[Brian Green]

I mean, come on. That's communication, which, by the way, 90% of these things are communication. Hey, dog, get out. Hey, take those fucking Crocs off or you're not getting laid again. Hey, I want to get pegged so I can stare at myself. Okay, Hoboken. Every time I try and initiate sex, I do what I call the sensual hover. I float over her like a sexy ghost.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

I love it. It's called the sensual huffle.

[Brian Green]

But she's starting to. She told me one night I looked.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Like I'm a sexy ghost.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, like a sexy ghost. Ooo. Like Nico just floating around.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

You have, like, the hand motions too.

[Brian Green]

I think I know what he's talking about. He like, you know, she's on the bed and he rolls over, but he puts his hands up like this and he kind of crawls up and down her body. Okay, but she said I look like I'm auditioning for Cirque du Soleil. How do I land this plane without losing altitude or dignity? Yeah, bro, I don't know. You got to send us a video on this one because I'm not sure how you're sexy ghosting her, but I think she's about to sexy ghost you. Yeah, this is not working for her. So try something else. Yeah, there's Got to be another move in your playbook besides sexy ghost. I mean, sexy ghost. I see him coming in with a sheet.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

I know. Me too. I'm picturing, like, the hand.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, like, moving over her. Yeah. Dude, I don't know. Sexy ghost. Never heard of that one. But it's not working for her, obviously, if she's making fun of it, where there's smoke, there's fire. And if she's making fun of it, it's clearly not turning her on. Yeah, if they're laughing, 90% of the time, it's at you, not with you. Especially during sex. So my advice is, you got to find a new move. You know, talk to your bros. Initiation. Yeah, talk to your bros. Find some good moves that you can use. Put some other stuff in your tool bag. Just like anybody in life. Not only women, but men, too. We all like a little variety. Variety is the spice of life. No one likes the same thing.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Start with a kiss.

[Brian Green]

There's a novel idea. Yeah. Start with a really nice purse and then work your way forward. Do you know what I'm saying? You know, tickle her mind and her senses, and then, you know, it'll all come to. Take her out for a nice dinner, have a good conversation, plier with a glass of wine, get home, throw her against the door, tell her how much you love her and how sexy she looks tonight. And then take your bra off with your teeth. Okay, I'm getting way too descriptive here. I can't give you all the action, but you know how to do it. You've seen it before in movies. You know how it goes. We'll be back. Thanks for writing it. And we'll be back after these messages.

[Rachel]

Why don't you text us? And we can text back and then you can text us in reply, then so on. It's a fun little game I've been playing, and I think you'll be great at it. 212-4333. TCB. That's 212-433-3822. You could leave a message, too, if you. If you do, maybe you'll end up being the voice of the show. But be warned, the pay is not great. You could go to the website and drop us an email. Also tcbpodcast.com and while you're there, you can get a free sticker. Who doesn't want a free sticker? Just go to the contact us button and ask for one. Follow us on Insta at the commercial break and watch the [e-mail] the commercial break now I'm gonna go back to that texting game. You want to play? Come on. Bye.

[Brian Green]

All right. Speaking of sex, Chrissy, you remember this as soon as I press play on this. Sue Johansson was a Canadian sex expert, and she was an older woman at the time when she started coming on air, and I believe she started coming on air through, like, infomercials late at night. They would play, like, in between Girls Gone Wild, you know, pitch videos, essentially. And everybody who was alive at that time remembers the Girls Gone Wild infomercials that would endlessly play at night, showing.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

There's a whole documentary about that.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, that's. That. That was crazy. I wonder whatever happened to that guy. He went to jail for a little while, didn't he?

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

He's in Mexico. He is like, you can't come back into the U.S. oh, that's right.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Joe Francis. Yeah. Because it was like revenge porn. He was. Anyway, I don't want to get into. That's a different story for a different time. But this lady. I remember being a young man and learning things about sex that I thought I would never learn from anybody through the conversations that this woman was having. Quite frank, quite literal, quite graphic, quite descriptive. And she did it in a way that was. You were kind of interested in what she had to say. She seemed like your grandmother. Like, Dr. Ruth was also this way, but Dr. Ruth was funny because she had a funny accent. She was a tiny woman of a woman. She was just like three foot three. You know, she was tiny. She looked like a fragile doll. Right. And she was funny. She was frank, but she was funny. But this lady had a more. I don't know, like, punchy way. Clinical and punchy way of saying it. What made you believe she actually knew what she was talking about? Named Sue Johansen. I got a. It's hard to find these old infomercials of hers, but I managed to find a couple, and here's a. This is a clip of one of them. But take a listen. I think you'll remember who she is. My wife. And I think you're the coolest lady ever.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Oh, yeah, I remember her.

[Brian Green]

Okay. You remember her. You can see her. Go to YouTube.com thecommercialbreak and we'll see if.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, she's got short hair, glasses, and. Yeah, yeah.

[Brian Green]

Thank you.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

My mother and I both love your show.

[Sue Johansen]

Isn't that cute? You watch it together?

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Oh, I definitely.

[Brian Green]

Oh, yes. This is.

[Caller / Question Asker]

Thank you so much for making yourself available to all of us here in the States.

[Brian Green]

This is just the intro to this.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

By the way, was she doing. Oh, okay. This looks like it's just a talk show, but was she doing, like, a radio thing, too?

[Brian Green]

She also did a radio thing for a while, yes, but I remember her from tv. I'm not sure it played here in Atlanta, but it was called Talk Sex with Sue Johansson. It was on for many years, maybe a decade plus. This might be toward the end of.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

The run, but I think a lot of people might have learned things from her.

[Brian Green]

Oh, I think a lot of people will remember Sue Johansen.

[Sue Johansen]

Welcome to Talk Sex. I'm your host, Sue Johansson, and my mission in life is to promote sex education to dispel myths and misconceptions so you can enjoy being the sexual human being that you were born to be.

[Brian Green]

I love it. I love it.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Me, too. I'm so for this.

[Brian Green]

How straightforward. We need somebody like this. That's not Dr. Fucking Drew, you know what I'm saying?

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Or a pornhub.

[Brian Green]

Or a pornhub. We need a lady who gives it to you straight, tells you that life is not a porn movie. Most people don't have sex for hours at a time, you know, in a shower, holding one leg up against the wall, flipping somebody around their penis with 70 other girls in the room watching. It just doesn't happen that way. Yeah, most sex is clunky, funny, smelly, interesting, fun, adventurous, scary. I can think of other adjectives. Do we have any other adjectives? Okay, let's listen to Sue. She's the expert.

[Caller / Question Asker]

A quick question. I don't know how true this is, but I was told by someone who's dating a dentist.

[Sue Johansen]

Yes.

[Caller / Question Asker]

That the dentist told him that if she looks into the back of the throat of her female patients that she can tell whether or not they have oral sex, and particularly if they swallow a lot. Is that true?

[Brian Green]

You can see the look on Sue Johansson's face right now. She's like, the dentist is a perv. Go to a different dentist, you're going.

[Sue Johansen]

To be an awful lot of people in an awful lot of trouble if that's true.

[Caller / Question Asker]

Girlfriend or learning. Is having sex in a hot tub.

[Brian Green]

Is a good idea or not? Not.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

No.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. No.

[Sue Johansen]

She.

[Brian Green]

She gets it. We say the same thing. I think we are the Su Johansson, but we might be of the 25th year of the 21st century. No.

[Sue Johansen]

No sex in a hot tub. Okay? Now, the hot tub has got chlorine in it, hasn't it? Absolutely got chlorine in it. I know that. And so you're having sex under the water. You're thrusting penis in vagina. You are forcing water into her vagina.

[Brian Green]

Ooh, Ooh.

[Sue Johansen]

That's right. It's got chlorine in it. You wonder why her vagina gets sore. Raw, red, irritated. And then they're worried that there's a possibility that the water will go up through her cervix, through her uterus, and into her fallopian tubes and then drip into her abdomen. And there is some kind of.

[Brian Green]

Oh, yeah. He's like, oh, I didn't call for that kind of advice.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Say yes or no.

[Brian Green]

Okay. I can think of another reason too. It's just not a great lubricant. Water is not a good lubricant.

[Sue Johansen]

Concern that that might cause endometriosis.

[Caller / Question Asker]

I just called to ask when my girlfriend and I have sex either with a dildo or with her fingers.

[Brian Green]

Yeah.

[Caller / Question Asker]

When I am getting ready to have an orgasm, I often have like vaginal farts or queefs.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Caller / Question Asker]

Wondering, is there any way to stop doing that?

[Brian Green]

No.

[Sue Johansen]

Why?

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

It's air.

[Brian Green]

She is the best. Yeah, this is the best. Where else? It's certainly not here on the commercial break because I giggled. Where else could you get a straight faced answer to a question like this? But this girl is concerned. She says, I'm making noises down there. It's uncomfortable. Is it part of the situation? And can I help it? And sue says, no, why would you want to? Like I said, it's messy and smelly and weird and loud and whatever.

[Sue Johansen]

Vaginal farts are wonderful things.

[Brian Green]

I need that as a clip. I need that as a clip. An audio clip. That's awesome. Good for you, Sue.

[Sue Johansen]

It's something we can do. Guys can't do it. And ours don't stink. Theirs do.

[Caller / Question Asker]

Ooh, I guess it's embarrassing.

[Sue Johansen]

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. You just let fly.

[Brian Green]

Go.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Sue.

[Brian Green]

Those are two clips I'm cutting.

[Sue Johansen]

Using condoms for bum sex.

[Caller / Question Asker]

No.

[Sue Johansen]

Lisa, Lisa, think.

[Caller / Question Asker]

Yes.

[Sue Johansen]

He is putting his penis in your rectum, right?

[Caller / Question Asker]

Uh huh.

[Sue Johansen]

Uh huh. That rectum has feces in there. Feces are loaded with bacteria.

[Brian Green]

Now I keep trying to tell my kids this. I say, hey, listen, you're telling them about this? No, no, no, no, no. My kids, they wanna take a bath, but they're at the age when they need to take a shower, Right? And I keep saying, you're sitting in your own butt water and poop has bacteria. You don't want that poopy bacteria all over your bodies. Stop drinking the poop water. And then they wanna Put it in their mouth. They wanna drink the poop water. And I'm like, stop drinking the poop water.

[Sue Johansen]

He's gonna pick up some of that bacteria on his penis, right?

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Mm.

[Sue Johansen]

And then he's gonna have intercourse with you. Vaginal intercourse. And he hasn't washed his penis. And he wasn't using a condom. You're gonna get the infection. I'm not worried about him. I'm worried about you.

[Brian Green]

Wow. I love this lady.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

It's so cute.

[Brian Green]

She passed away a couple years ago.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

I was wondering if she was still around.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, she passed at like, 93 years old or something like that. And I think that was back.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Having wonderful sex until the end. I'm sure.

[Brian Green]

I'm sure that was the. That's my other question. A legitimate question. Kind of goofy. I know there's a giggle on this, but did Dr. Ruth and Sue Johansson and maybe even Dr. Drew, do they have some of the best sex ever because they know everything there is to know about sex?

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

I think so.

[Brian Green]

And they can get around a vagina or a penis?

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

I think so.

[Rachel]

I don't know.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

I have to imagine if I'm up.

[Brian Green]

There, hey, listen, if I'm having sex with Sue Johansson, I think I'm probably having some of the best sex of my life.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Exactly.

[Brian Green]

Even at her advanced age. The villages. Ooh, Hot stuff.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Hot stuff.

[Brian Green]

Well, what was that? If this wasn't a hot stuff, what is hot stuff?

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Hot.

[Ricky the Lipsmith]

Stu.

[Sue Johansen]

Time for the hot stuff bag.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Oh, the bag.

[Brian Green]

I remember this.

[Sue Johansen]

It puts a whole new meaning to the expression desperation is the mother of invention. This is called the vibrating turbo suction tongue.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Whoa.

[Sue Johansen]

You close the valve and you draw the air out. Okay. And now you've got a vacuum in there. And that'll give you an erection.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

So you draw the pump.

[Brian Green]

It's a penis pump out first.

[Sue Johansen]

And it's locked in. Locked there. Then you turn the vibrator on. Okay.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

I love that she's demonstrating this.

[Brian Green]

She's demonstrating a sex toy.

[Sue Johansen]

It's not vibrating and it is a strap on. Now people think she's.

[Brian Green]

This is going from clip to clip. For those of you listening, by the way. It's not like this is one long.

[Sue Johansen]

Clip that strap ons are kind of kinky, but they have their uses. Don't ask. Anything with more than three buttons, I'm guaranteed to mess up. Well, you know what? They couldn't leave well enough alone. And what they've done is put a tiny camera into the end of the building. Oh, yes.

[Brian Green]

Whoa.

[Sue Johansen]

You heard right. A Camera that hooks up to your tv.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Oh, my God.

[Brian Green]

Oh, my God. Why would you. That's really. Yeah, I don't need to see all the way up there.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Doctor's exam.

[Brian Green]

Listen, listen, I. I did that during the birth. Yeah, I did that during the birth.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

This didn't take off.

[Brian Green]

No.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Because I do not see any of these.

[Brian Green]

Oh, I'm sure there's point of view. I'm sure there's point of view porn out there that has these kind of cameras, you know, But I. Yeah, you don't see this at the local sex shop.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Yeah.

[Sue Johansen]

Meaning to. I'm ready for my close up now, Mr. DeMille. Oh, here, let me show you. I'm going to use my hand for this one.

[Brian Green]

One.

[Sue Johansen]

And.

[Brian Green]

Whoa.

[Ricky the Lipsmith]

There.

[Sue Johansen]

And it comes up on the camera.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Why would you want that?

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

I don't think that's sexy.

[Sue Johansen]

Well, no, all I can say is, thank God it's in black and white now. She's working. Thanks a lot.

[Brian Green]

And I got to be honest about this. Like, I think the inside of a body looks relatively the same no matter what part of the inside of the body you're looking at. Do you know what I'm saying? You see those surgery shows and stuff like that? It all looks like. It all looks like the inside of a body.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

I've seen the inside of, like, Jeff's sinuses, you know? Cause he had surgery and, you know, I go to the doctor with them. They have to get up there with a little scope. And. Yeah, it seems like it just.

[Brian Green]

It all looks the same.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

It looks the same.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Unless you know what you're looking at. Unless you're Dr. Sue Johansen.

[Sue Johansen]

There's a head in there that is. And it's called an exciter.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

It is called an exciter. I mean, that's a very large. Dang. Does that look like your thing that you were using?

[Brian Green]

Chrissy? Swear to God. That looks like the thing that I bought to help me with after the vasectomy. And it was intimidating. It was intimidating. Well, listen, the inside of it is much smaller, but it's just a whole contraption. And I had no interest. None. Interest in putting that thing on my penis.

[Sue Johansen]

On the hibachi. Hot stuff of love. We are rating this a three briquette sex toy for guys who are not perceptually handicapped.

[Brian Green]

Perceptually.

[Caller / Question Asker]

So that you can, like, teach everybody in the world.

[Sue Johansen]

I think there are people out there who think one of me is one too many.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Yeah, she was brave.

[Brian Green]

She was incredible.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Really was great.

[Brian Green]

Dr. Sue Johansson. Here's to another. I'm sorry about that. I don't know what I was pressing there. Here's to Dr. Sue Johansen. May another one of you come along sooner rather than later.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Best to Sue Johansson.

[Brian Green]

Best to Sue. Best to you and best to sue. Or worse to you. That's the funny song. That's the one I love.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

I do love that one, too.

[Brian Green]

All right, well, it's been a week of music and fun here on the commercial break. We've just, we've just done it all, Chrissy. I have made AI songs for everyone to enjoy. I'm sure that will continue long into the future. I hope that's a new part of the commercial break. You have any ideas for songs or you're a musician and you're. You want to write a song for tcb, we'd be happy to take a listen to it, maybe play it on air. Yeah. So get in touch with us. 212-4333. TCB. 212-433-3822. Questions, comments, concerns, content, ideas? We take them all right there. Also, in case you are sick of hearing it. May 31st, the 12 hours.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

5:31.

[Brian Green]

5:31. 5 31. May 31, the 12 hours of TCB. TCB's big birthday bash. Five years as a podcast. Six seasons. Sponsored officially by Five Hour Energy.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Thank you to Five Hours.

[Brian Green]

Thank you to Five Hour Energy. That's no joke. They have signed on as a sponsor. I think we, I think we said it so much, they were like, well, we should probably pay them for all that free promotion. So the 12 hours of TCB, officially sponsored by Five Hour Energy and in collaboration with our partners at Odyssey, Covert Creative and ctb, the agency that helps us book all these wonderful guests, Tom Papa, Tig Notaro, Reggie Watts, Michael Ian Black and more on May 30th. And lots of Chrissy and I. Lots and lots of Chrissy and I.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

Yes, lots of us.

[Brian Green]

So tune in, call in, check in on Twitch or YouTube will give you more information. Make sure you're following us at the commercial break on Instagram for all the deets the week of. Also YouTube.com the commercial break. Make sure you're following us there so you can watch it live when it happens. And tcb podcast.com all the jizz and jazz about Chrissy and I. Your free TCB sticker and you can get a hold of us there. Hot stuff. 5:30 vaginal farts. Okay, Chrissy, I love you.

[Chris Joy Hoadley]

I love you.

[Brian Green]

Best to you and best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, Chrissy and I will say we do say and we must say goodbye. Sam, I get asked.