Baby Got Crack

Summary

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The Commercial Break — “Baby Got Crack” (January 30, 2024)

Episode Overview

This lively episode of The Commercial Break is a perfect example of the show’s “improv-comedy, chaos, and unpolished charm.” Hosts Bryan Green and Krissy Hoadley reunite after Krissy’s bout with illness, riffing on everything from the perils of parenthood and emergency room drama, to pop culture mishaps (hello, Taylor Swift!), the pervasiveness of weed in modern life, and the irresistible, addictive draw of… sugar. As always, their conversation is fast, irreverent, and packed with tangents and self-deprecating laughs.

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Main Discussion Points & Insights

1. Krissy’s Return, Sickness, & The Perils of Podcast Scheduling

• Krissy returns to the studio after being out sick for nearly a week with full-blown laryngitis, joking about her absence and how her partner, Jeff, benefited from the silence.
  • “He got some, maybe some much needed silence because I didn’t realize how much, much I was talking to him throughout the day.” — Krissy (01:54)
• The duo riff on the stress of keeping up with their release schedule amidst illness, sharing inside baseball on show logistics.
  • “When you do this many episodes... it is probably best to have multiple episodes in the can... but for the last four months, we have been riding the rail every single episode.” — Bryan (17:14)

2. Corrections on NFL/Taylor Swift Comments

• Bryan issues a hilarious, self-deprecating correction for misstating NFL results in a previous episode.
  • He inaccurately told listeners the Kansas City Chiefs were eliminated from the playoffs, when they actually made it to the Super Bowl.
• Notable Quote:
  • “I am a dumbass in all senses... I just want to share with you that I am a dumbass in all senses, in every sense.” — Bryan (08:56)
• They discuss Taylor Swift’s effect on pop culture and the NFL, agreeing it's a positive, feel-good story in a tough year.
  • “In a year where everything was so shitty... we had one good, feel-good story of the year, and that was Taylor Swift.” — Bryan (11:13)
  • “As much as the Chiefs fans might want to piss and moan... the Kansas City Chiefs have never been more popular.” — Bryan (12:24)

3. Domestic Dogs & Kids: Comedy of Family Life

• Bryan commiserates about his loud, opinionated Yorkie (“Blue”) and the chaos dogs can add to a household.
• Ongoing troubles include the dog commandeering beds and barking at night, leading to family-wide chaos.

4. Emergency Room Adventure: The Baby, the Blood, and the Box of Juice

• Bryan recounts an adrenaline-pumping story about his one-year-old daughter suffering a head injury in the shower (complete with graphic blood, a faint-prone spouse, and juggling panicked kids).
  • “Blood comes gushing out of her. And when I say gushing, I mean gushing.” — Bryan (28:07)
• Astrid, his partner, nearly faints at the sight of blood: “She has something called syncope... the blood rushes from your head.” (31:46)
• The ER experience: a struggle to hold a tiny, injured kid and manage her pain. She receives stitches after sedation (“Versed,” described as “baby Xanax”).
  • “Chrissy, when I say this kid was drunk, I mean this kid was drunk.” — Bryan (40:43)
  • “She laughs through the entire thing. And I’m like, lovely.” — Bryan, on his sedated daughter’s reaction (41:54)

The Sugar Revelation

• After the trauma, the hospital gives the baby her first-ever juice box. She becomes instantly obsessed and inconsolable when it’s taken away—leading to the episode’s central metaphor.
  • “If this isn’t proof that sugar is crack, I don’t know what is... I’ve never seen a more clear and concise argument for sugar is terrible for you than my one-year-old child...” — Bryan (44:35)
  • “She knows what she wants.” — Krissy (44:35)

5. Modern Weed: From Guilt to Giggles

• The pair contrast today’s potent legal weed (and edibles) with the weak “dirt weed” of their youth.
  • “We used to smoke the stems and seeds. Now, you nibble on the corner and for seven hours I’m like a child in the fetal position in my own bed.” — Bryan (50:26)
• Bryan shares his own edibles mishap and muses on how societal attitudes toward cannabis have shifted.
  • “It would appear that we have legalized marijuana in this city because there is no place that you can go anywhere ever [and not smell it].” — Bryan (55:00)
• They joke about “budtenders” and the dizzying variety of THC delivery systems now available.

Wild News Story: Weed Madness

• Bryan brings up a true crime story: a woman stabs her boyfriend 108 times under a “marijuana-induced psychotic episode” after smoking extremely high-THC weed; she’s convicted of involuntary manslaughter.
  • “She got off on this murder. She was convicted of involuntary manslaughter instead of premeditated murder because she had smoked weed with too much THC in it.” — Bryan (60:58)

6. Bit: Weed-Induced ‘Ocean’s 11’ Heist Planning

• They joke about how useless they’d be trying to pull off a “high” Las Vegas heist, noting they’d just wind up at the buffet:
  • “I don’t think we’d get past the buffet bar.” — Krissy (61:16)
  • “After consideration, we were gonna take money. Now we’re just gonna give it back to them.” — Bryan (62:16)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:00–03:12 — Krissy’s illness, dog woes, home chaos
• 05:31–10:54 — Bryan’s NFL/Taylor Swift correction and pop culture banter
• 13:42–16:59 — Krissy’s healing vacation in Sonoma gone wrong; podcast scheduling pains
• 22:37–33:08 — The baby head wound emergency room ordeal (graphic, funny, and frantic)
• 34:43–44:35 — The “sugar is crack” story: baby’s first juice and ensuing meltdown
• 47:32–56:09 — Weed tales: generational shifts, edibles overdose, and legal weed in Atlanta
• 59:36–61:00 — True crime: THC-induced violence & legal defense
• 61:00–63:12 — Ocean’s 11 “heist if high” comedy bit
• 64:04–66:10 — End-of-show banter, shout outs to fans, and voicemail apology

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Memorable Quotes

• Bryan (on his podcast factual errors):
  “I am a dumbass in all senses, in every sense... But this time it's hard to ignore because Taylor Swift and the Kansas City Chiefs are, in fact, going to the Super Bowl together as one.” (08:56)

• Bryan (on parenting panic):
  “Blood comes gushing out of her. And when I say gushing, I mean gushing out of her... The kids are screaming bloody murder because they think bloody murder has just happened.” (28:07)

• Bryan (on sugar):
  “If this isn’t proof that sugar is crack, I don’t know what is. I’ve never seen a more addictive, I’ve never seen a more clear and concise argument for sugar is terrible for you than my one-year-old child who absolutely went apeshit when I took her fucking box away.” (44:35)

• Bryan (on today’s weed):
  “We used to smoke the stems and seeds. Now, you nibble on the corner and for seven hours I’m like a child in the fetal position in my own bed.” (50:26)

• Krissy (on their imagined heist):
  “I don’t think we’d get past the buffet bar.” (61:16)

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Episode Highlights & Takeaways

• Parenting Can Be Chaotic and Hilarious: Bryan’s detailed recounting of his daughter’s ER trip both captures parenting panic and finds the sitcom-level absurdity in family life.
• Sugar Is Seriously Addictive: The “sugar is crack” story is both an indictment of American eating habits and a funny, relatable parenting tale.
• Pop Culture with Zero Fact-Checking: The show’s willingness to admit (and laugh about) mistakes is part of its charm—Bryan’s NFL blunder becoming a running gag.
• Weed Is Everywhere, and It’s Wild: Compared to their own secretive youth, the hosts marvel at the strength and normalization of marijuana culture now.
• Chemistry Is the Show: Throughout, what makes the episode shine is Bryan and Krissy’s decades-old rapport, easygoing self-mockery, and comfort with chaos.

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For New Listeners

Even if you haven’t heard the episode (or the show), you’ll step away feeling like you just dropped in on two friends swapping their most unfiltered, ridiculous, and honest stories—the kind that somehow manage to both lower your anxiety about your own life and make you laugh out loud.

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End of Summary

Transcript

[A]

I told my wife I could make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove past her. On this episode of the commercial break. If this isn't proof that sugar is cracked, I don't know what is. I've never seen a more addictive. I've never seen a more clear and concise argument for sugar is terrible for you than my one year old child who absolutely went apeshit when I took her fucking box away. Hard to believe.

[B]

Well, yeah, she knows what she wants. Yeah, crack.

[A]

The next episode of the commercial break starts now. Yeah, boy. Oh, yeah. Cats and kittens, welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Greene. This is the director of Deep Throat Services, Kristen Joy. Holy bestie you.

[B]

Wow, bestie bringing you back with a bag, right?

[A]

Oh, my. Infantilized sexual fantasies about deep throating have made their way onto the show yet again. How you feeling?

[B]

I'm feeling much better.

[A]

Good. Chrissy back in studio after the fourth month off. I know people are legitimately confused by.

[B]

The way deaths and illnesses I'm gonna say right now, but hopefully that's past, that's behind.

[A]

Especially the death part. I hope that. I know, I know. I hope it's. I hope. Well, I mean, I hope at least for the next month we don't experience any more death in the PCB family. That's enough. It's enough already. So you're feeling good, you're feeling back together and yeah, your throat's all sounds good.

[B]

Yeah, I know. I had full blown laryngitis for three days.

[A]

That's crazy.

[B]

I couldn't speak.

[A]

So what did Jeff do? He put a little bit of honey, little drizzle, drizzle on the spoon.

[B]

He got some, maybe some much needed silence because I didn't realize how much, much I was talking to him throughout the day.

[A]

I think that if I had lost my voice, I think it would be chaotic in the house. I wouldn't be able to tell my.

[B]

Children what to do or yell at Blue.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, anybody looking for like a Yorkie, 8 years old, doesn't shut up, shits all over the place, fights, your children. Anybody looking for those kind of animals?

[B]

Yeah. What an advertisement.

[A]

Yeah, thanks. That's why I could never give her away because I feel too guilty about throwing her somewhere in somebody's house. I wouldn't feel guilty about leaving her. I feel guilty about giving, giving it to the other person. That's right. That's a damn dog I gotta be mad at somebody. Rolls downhill and it rolls all the way To Blue's head.

[B]

She's the shortest.

[A]

I know. She. You wouldn't know it, though. She's the shortest in the house. And she gives. She makes the most conversation in the house. And she's always trying to jump up to your level.

[B]

It's a.

[A]

It's a double whammy. Dogs that jump and dogs that bark. It's like, God damn. Just sit down for two seconds, will you, dog?

[B]

I know. Even after all these years, I still try different little tactics.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, when I first come in.

[A]

Oh, I noticed. Yeah.

[B]

I always try a little something new. Nice, mean, indifferent.

[A]

You cannot manipulate that dog.

[B]

No, it's the same.

[A]

I tried to bribe her with treats. I brought in specialists, psychologists, therapists, Doggy, Xanax, doggy volume, doggy.

[B]

The cbd. The dog.

[A]

You gave me the cbd. And it made her worse. She was fine for like five minutes and then she went nutso. It was crazy. And now the thing that she's doing now is she. My youngest daughter sleeps in her own room in her crib. But there's a nice inviting bed in there, too, for one of my other children, should they ever decide to go sleep in their own room for one of my other children. And so Blue is commandeered the bed. But this has become a problem because the baby who sleeps in the crib is now at the age where she wakes up very easily with noise. Like when they're babies. Babies, you can really. You can drop a bowling ball on the floor and most of them won't wake up. But now she has commandeered this bed. She thinks that it's hers. And so it'll be 3, 4, 5 o' clock in the morning, and you'll hear. And I'm like, what the fuck is that? Scratch, scratch, scratch. It took me a couple of nights to figure it out. She is scratching the door until she can get it to pop open. And when. Then she gets it to pop open, the door swings wide open. There's night lights out in the hallway. So now it's bright as shit in the room. Yeah. And then Blue will randomly bark in the middle of the night because why? I don't fucking know. Fudge. I know. I don't speak dog. It'll. You'll be dead asleep. What?

[B]

Maybe it's the little mouse.

[A]

Well, half the time, what it is, is Astrid will walk the hallways, you know, as a mother does sometimes she gets up to go to the bathroom and she walks the hallways to check on all the children and she'll close the door because there's no blues in there. So now blue's on the other side of the dark because now she doesn't want to sleep in the bed anymore. She wants to come back with me. And so the baby's up, the dog's barking. My son's like, daddy, what's that? And I'm like, that is the sound that a dog makes directly before it goes to the animal farm in the sky there. Listen, I want to know more about your time with Jeff at that house, because I. I had some visions of what was going on over there. How you guys take care of each other when you're in ill health. Little jizzle, drizzle and a. On it.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

But first, I think it's important that I get to something because I spent almost the entire weekend with my hand on the delete button of Friday's episode, okay? And I've never done this. We've only deleted three episodes in commercial break history, and that was because they are terrible on purpose. On purpose they are.

[B]

We've deleted other ones, but.

[A]

Oh, yeah, we've deleted other ones, but they never actually left. They never went out onto the RSS feed, so they never were out in the world. I've never depublished an episode for any other reason, except the first three were really terrible and. And really not the commercial break in general. They were not. They were good, they were nice. They were okay. But you wouldn't want to listen to them. Maybe someday you'll pay to listen to them via my new NFT collection, TCB dick pics. So. But I highly. I was so close to deleting this episode. So close to deleting Friday's episode to it yet.

[B]

So.

[A]

Wow, Christina comes in and she did a lovely job. Great fill in co host.

[B]

Yes, she is.

[A]

But as always, Brian writes something down quickly in his iPhone and decides to make a whole segment out of it. Only I never check the actual facts. So I go off on a tangent and I never actually check my facts. Right. Man, did I really screw the pooch this time. And I mean, I screwed the fucking pooch this time.

[B]

Maybe we need to put the disclaimer back in fact, news or fiction?

[A]

Well, we've got it on some new banners we're throwing out there because I think that might be right. Never believe anything you hear on this show. And I don't think anybody does because I've already had 17 text messages about this. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

[B]

I just say what is this?

[A]

I go, hey, Christina, you a Taylor Swift fan? You watching that NFL that, you know, NFL with Taylor Swift? And she goes, nope, don't care a thing about it. Right. I like Taylor Swift, but don't care a thing about NFL. And I go, yeah, you know, I watch it sometimes just trying to keep up with my brothers. But did you hear that they're making these terrible images of Taylor Swift and sending them around on this AI porn site? They're putting Taylor's head on these porn images, and they're pretty graphic, and some of them are really disturbing. But anyway, that's a different story.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

And what I thought that I read was that the Kansas City Chiefs fans are mad because they believe that Taylor has a curse on them and that when they lose football games, it's because of Taylor Swift. And so what I said was, apparently they're ultra pissed off because the Kansas City Chiefs just lost a playoff game. And I went on and on about this for, like, 10 minutes. And in fact, the Kansas City Chiefs did not lose the playoff game. They are now going to the Super Bowl.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I watched that game last night when.

[A]

My brother told me, asked me, are you going to watch the playoff games this weekend? And I said, I don't ever get a chance to watch one of those games in full, but maybe I'll watch some of it. And he said. And I go, who you rooting for? The. You know, the Indianapolis Tigers. And he was like, dude, Kansas City Chiefs? Detroit Lions.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

San Francisco 49ers. I can't remember the other team that was in there, but he's like, you know, I really hope the. I really Hope it's a 49ers Chiefs Super Bowl. It's going to be great for everybody and highly entertaining. And I said, wait, didn't the Chiefs just lose last weekend? And he goes, what? No, they're playing great. And I go, they didn't lose. They're not out of the playoffs. Please tell me you're lying to me. And he goes, bro, they're playing great. They're going to win this game. I just know it. And you know what I turn on yesterday?

[B]

There they are.

[A]

And despite all of my hoping and wishing that the Kansas City Chiefs had been eliminated, and my very astute sports, sports, you know, following, brother was wrong, okay? He is not wrong. I was wrong. Of course I am. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry to the Kansas City Chiefs. I'm sorry to the Swifties. I'm sorry to everybody out there who listened to that episode, which isn't many, so it doesn't really matter. But I just want to share with you that I am a dumbass in all senses, in every sense. And I don't get on here and apologize very often because ignorance is bliss and I like to just pretend I'm right no matter what. But this time it's hard to ignore because Taylor Swift and the Kansas City Chiefs are, in fact, going to the super bowl together as one. Together as one. And. Oh, wow, I just can't believe that I said that. I don't know where I got it in my head that they lost. You know what I think it was? I think I turned on one of the games and at that moment, they were losing.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And then I read about the Taylor Swift thing that Kansas City Chiefs fans were upset with Taylor Swift about, whatever. And I put those two things together and in my head concluded that they, in fact, had lost that game based on whatever. I don't know what. At my mind's eye. Me making up your fifth eye. My fifth eye. My pen eye. Bri. From the mind of Brian's pen eye. It's Peni. Penny pasta from Brico. Have Brian's dick for breakfast, lunch, or dinner. So I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I'm. I'm saying this to all the people who texted an email. I'm really sorry. I just didn't know because I don't know much about the NFL, if anything at all, apparently. And I just didn't understand that the Kansas City Chiefs had not, in fact, lost the game. And so I apologize. And congratulations to the Kansas City Chiefs, San Francisco 49ers. I looked that up. I wrote that down. Make sure I got those names right. They're going to the super bowl halftime show. By who?

[B]

Usher.

[A]

Usher. We are all going to rock to Usher. Hometown boy. Yeah, he's from Atlanta.

[B]

Yes, he is.

[A]

Yeah. I think he came up to scam Cole FM one time, actually. Usher. Did you have a picture somewhere? Me and him.

[B]

That's exciting.

[A]

Taylor Swift is going. So then. So someone. Another person asked me, you know, what do you think about Taylor Swift and being at the NFL? How much time the NFL spends on it? And I think we talked about this briefly. Listen, I got to say this about Taylor Swift in general, and I don't know if you're going to agree with me on this, but I'll say this. In a year where everything was so shitty, so terribly, terribly awful, and the world is coming apart at the seams, and there's war and famine and pestilence. Basically, it's the end of times. It's the end of days in a time at the end of times. We had one good, feel good story of the year, and that was Taylor Swift and how well she did in all facets of her business and maybe personal life because she got together with this. This guy. Yes. Right. So I have to say, I ain't got no hate for Taylor Swift. I really don't. I. I say that it's not my favorite thing in the world, but it's a feel good story that you, if you just take it at face value, it feels good. And in a lot of other disturbing news, you can always count on Taylor to give you a smile when it comes to whatever it is she does.

[B]

Yes. Everything she does.

[A]

Whatever it is she does.

[B]

Yes. Anything that she does.

[A]

And that includes being at those NFL games.

[B]

Yeah, I like it.

[A]

As much as the Chiefs fans might want to piss and moan support, they.

[B]

Look like a cute couple.

[A]

The Kansas City Chiefs have never been more popular. And who cares how you got there? Taylor Swift, Travis Kelsey. Who cares how you got there? You're having your moment in the sun and it's a feel good story that everyone get behind. And if they win the super bowl, the world will go fucking bananas. The world will go bananas and you will no longer hate Taylor Swift until next season when she breaks up with him. And then he's a big hot mess.

[B]

Oh, I want to see that.

[A]

No, no, no, no, no. You hope that doesn't happen.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

But there is a track record there. But I guess, you know, there's always a track record. You have a track record of breaking until you get married. That's right. Until you find the one.

[B]

Right.

[A]

I got this friend and he was bitching about this other phrase like that dude goes through chicks like water. And I'm like, you go through chicks like water until you find the one. That's what happens. I mean, some go at a faster clip than others. Some are luckier than others. You know, I never, look at me, think, I. I went at a very slow pace. I turn one every four years. But that's besides the point. You get it. I do. Yeah. You went through. I don't want to say you went through men like water, but you had your own.

[B]

I did. Yeah.

[A]

Fellas around. Yeah.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

Diversiacs.

[B]

I waited for the. For the right one.

[A]

You did. And along he came.

[B]

He did.

[A]

So now, on the back of that, tell me about what it's like to be sick In a house with jizzle draft.

[B]

Oh, he's so sweet.

[A]

What does he do? What does he. I gotta learn some tips from him. How does he help?

[B]

Runs errands. You. He makes tea and does get the. You know, put. Puts the honey in it and get. Gets me medication. He got me all kinds of throat lozenges. I mean, I was trying everything to try and get my voice back.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm like, I can't do the pot. Oh, no. I was texting you about it, and I was like, just call me.

[A]

Yeah, it was pretty bad. I'm like, I'm not gonna go through an hour and a half of that. There's just no way. There was no way I was telling Christina. I'm like.

[B]

I was like, we could do a whisper episode.

[A]

Yeah. Here's one of Chrissy's bride ideas.

[B]

She goes like, asmr. You know?

[A]

Yeah. We had to move back some of our. Like, we had a celebrity guest that was going to come in, and on the show, we both really excited about this particular person. And they were supposed to be recorded last week, but for the first time ever, I had to cancel. I mean, for the first time ever, we've had, like, four guests. But. Okay, for the first time in four guests, we had to cancel because Chrissy was excited about this person too, and I just didn't feel like I wanted to do it alone.

[B]

I was even suggesting holding up signs.

[A]

I know. That's what I was saying. And I was like, exactly. How are the people listening to the show gonna know that it's a podcast?

[B]

I was trying to come at a positive angle.

[A]

I hear you.

[B]

Of any of it. It was good in the end. Yeah. I mean, this is the first time I've been out of the house in, like, a week.

[A]

Geez.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. That's cra. That's.

[B]

It was. I was sick.

[A]

That'll make you Looney Tuney. Yeah. We went through a period of that when we all had Covid over. Over the holidays.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it's no fun. Luckily, there were other people here besides the family to kind of, like, break up the monotony and play games and all that other stuff. I was telling Christina. I was like, listen, Chrissy went to go see her best friend in San Francisco, and I was sure when she called, texted me on Monday, I'm like, ah, she's hungover. Give her a day off and she'll be fine. And then I talked to you, and I was like, oh, no. No way I'm making it through an hour. And a half with that. That fucking gravel.

[B]

I was already sick. I mean, you know, from the previous week, I was already feeling sick. And then flying out to California. I mean, it's a five and a half hour flight.

[A]

I think that does it to you.

[B]

And that. Well, the air was different. The pressure from the plane, and I thought my ears were gonna explode when we landed. It was painful. And then while we were out there, it was rainy and a little cold and. Yeah. And I was just out there for, you know, 48 hours. Basically.

[A]

San Francisco was rainy and cold.

[B]

You know, it's that we actually went to Sonoma, which is like a hour and a half.

[A]

You went to Sonoma? You went to the wine country? I. Did you guys take a tour of the wine facility?

[B]

No, we didn't. We were just doing more of, like. It was more of a wellness. Which didn't work.

[A]

What a great endorsement for Sonoma.

[B]

No, I specifically was like, I've done wine vineyard tours before. Like, I just end up getting too drunk and buying too many bottles of wine.

[A]

I agree with you.

[B]

Yeah, so let's skip that. Do some spa stuff. I did go out and see the redwoods that are close to there.

[A]

Gorgeous. Been there, done that. Gorgeous.

[B]

Beautiful. So, yeah, all of that was great. It's just when I got back, way worse. I had actually developed a sinus infection too. And it just was.

[A]

Was pretty terrible. Like, I talked to you on the phone and I knew within a second that we. There's no way we could do the show like that. So I quickly had to call in help and make sure that we got scrambled. You know, the crazy thing is like a little bit pulling the curtain back, as we always do here on the show. There's nothing to hide here.

[B]

Right.

[A]

We don't have any listeners, so why would we hide anything from them? Our reality is when you do this many episodes, it is not only appropriate, it is probably best to have multiple episodes in the can, quote unquote, so that you don't have to ride a rail all the time. Recording Wednesday for Thursday's episode. So oftentimes what you're hearing is the product of something we did three days ago or sometimes even a week ago, if we're being really good. And we have a lot of episodes in the can, but for the last four months, we have had to scramble so much that we have been riding the rail every single episode. Sometimes what you're hearing is literally recorded less than 24 hours earlier, which is insane for a show like this.

[B]

This one, for example, yeah.

[A]

Like this one we have tomorrow or maybe even today. I'm not sure what day it is, so just check your calendar.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So we had to scramble to find it. But what do you do when there's an emergency like this? So we're human. I told Christina, I said, you better start cutting up best of us. I know people hate that shit, but you better start cutting up best of us. Because everybody has had their turn having to take some time off this show. Except for me. But you know, that day is coming at some point. At some point, I'm also going to.

[B]

Have to take some time off. I was so worried. I know, because remember, I was texting you last night and you were like.

[A]

I wasn't feeling good.

[B]

And I said, oh, no, I just.

[A]

Think I was worn out. Yeah. I just think, you know, you get to, like, the end of your rope. Like, emotional, spiritually, physically. I was just at the end of my rope. A lot of stuff going on. A lot of changes happening here at the show and off the show a lot. The world is kind of topsy turvy right now. Yeah. And so I just think I got wore out. I think after, like, six of the last eight days being in the studio. I just felt you needed a timeout. Yeah, I needed a break. And I. You know, unfortunately, when I decided to put four episodes a week, I didn't think much about our vacation time, much about our downtime.

[B]

I know. I just got a flashback to when we first started the show, how we would ride the rail, as you were saying, and we were doing.

[A]

We were doing one episode a week, and we would come in on a Monday to release on a Tuesday for whatever dumbass reason we were doing that. We could have recorded on Thursday for next Tuesday's release, But no, we came in on Monday and did it on Tuesdays. I think we're just better when we're procrastinating. You know what I'm saying? I think we produce better products.

[B]

That can be true. There's a case for procrastination.

[A]

Yeah. I was reading something about procrastinators or just people who feel deeply or something like that. And I thought, oh, yeah, that sounds like a good excuse for me.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

I'm sorry I can't come in today. I'm sorry to get that report to you. I'm feeling deeply today. Well, I'm glad you're feeling better.

[B]

Me, too. Thank you.

[A]

Okay. No, you can't have no more time off until 2026.

[B]

I'm all out of PTO.

[A]

Next time, it's you and Christina doing the show. Do you hear what I'm saying?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

All right. Okay. Hey, let's take a break and we'll come back. I got some more good stuff that I want to share with you while you were gone. I got a couple stories I should tell. All right, we'll be back. Ugh. Finally.

[C]

I feel like I was waiting forever for my turn to talk now that I have you. Go to tcbpodcast.com to find all of our audio and video content and follow us on Instagram at the commercial break and on TikTok @TCB podcast. Want it to be your turn to talk? Call us and spill the tea at 626-ASKTCB-3 and you may hear your voice on the show. You can also text us your tea at 8:55, TCB8383. And boy, do we love to hear it. Anyway, take a listen to our sponsors and let's get back to the show.

[A]

This episode is sponsored in part by Magic Spoon. Okay, if you've listened to any amount of the commercial break, then you know one of my disgusting food habits is to eat sugary cereals with cream late at night. Well, the earth just turned one year older, and I've decided to do away with with the empty calories and added sugars. The good news for my bad cereal habit, I have Magic Spoon. Magic Spoon recreates all the flavors that we loved as children without all the baggage that goes in our bellies. It has all the flavors you love, but it's high in protein and it has less sugar. Astrid and I just bought a variety pack that has four flavors. Cocoa, fruity, frosted, and peanut butter. This pack has 0 grams of sugar, 13 to 14 grams of protein, and 4 to 5 grams of net carbs. It's only 140 calories per serving. It's high protein, has 0 grams of sugar, keto friendly, gluten free, grain free, and soy free. And I get the taste of my favorite cereal without all the guilt. Magic Spoon is returning to the commercial break as a sponsor, and we're so happy that they're offering you a discount. Go to magicspoon.com tcb to grab a variety pack and try it today. And be sure to use our promo code TCB at checkout to save $5 off your order. And Magic Spoon is so confident in their product, it's backed with a 100% happiness guarantee. So if you don't like it for any reason, they'll refund your money. Absolutely no questions asked. Remember to start the near off right with a delicious bowl of high protein [e-mail] tcb and be sure to use the promo code tcb to save $5 off. That's magicspoon.com tcb and use the code tcb to save $5 Off. Thank you, Magic Spoon, for being a sponsor of the commercial break and giving me something to look forward to. Late night after I get out of the studio video. Okay, so I have. We have a broken leg in the house. Like children wise. So far we've had a broken leg.

[B]

A broken leg.

[A]

A broken leg. Not right now, but way back.

[B]

Oh, okay. Way back when, like, I didn't hear.

[A]

I'm just sharing with you all of.

[B]

Yes, I remember the broken leg emergency.

[A]

Room stories that we have. We have a few, right. They're mostly regarding sicknesses and not regarding broken bones. Skull got, you know, cuts, scrapes, bumps, bruises, stuff like that. But the other day I was taking. Astrid was tired. End of the day, we do the whole routine. Bath, food, bedtime. You know, there's a routine around here. They're like dogs. You got to keep them in a routine. Unlike Blue, if you keep in a routine, they seem to be calm and happy 60% of the time. Right. The other 40%, you're running around. So Astrid is at the end of her rope. I've been in the studio all day. She just says to me, listen, I'm a little tired. Can like, can I take a break for a second? And that's kind of the language we have. She'll say I'm at 20% and I'll say I'm at 80%. So I'll take it. I'll take them. And so she's like, listen, teamwork. Yeah, teamwork. I'm at 30%. I need a break. Okay, tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to throw all the kids in this giant shower that we have. This ridiculously giant shower that we have for absolutely no reason that Brian demanded because he needed the world's biggest shower. And now I don't use half of it. You know, I could have probably put two other bedrooms in this house if I would just would have cut down. Down on the shower piece of. Anyway, so I say, okay, in our house, the master bathroom has a door like every master bathroom should.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you can look out of the shower and you can see the bed. Right. So Astrid's laying down in the bed and I grab all the chitlins and I Say, okay, everybody disrobe. We're all going in the shower together and we're gonna play. We're gonna have a good time. We're gonna give mommy a little break for about 30 minutes. Right? Right. Because that's about the average length of time it takes me to shower myself. But that's also the average length of time that it takes me to wash 15 of my children. Spending two minutes a piece on the proper body parts. Right. So I started, you know, play. I'm playing. We're all having fun. Listen to some music. Okay. Washing hair, you know, washing bodies. All right, you watch your this and you wash your dad and everybody. And the baby, the smallest, who's, you know, not very old. She just turned a year old. She's learning how to crawl, walk and stand up. Up. And that shower has penny tile in it. And that penny tile, anytime it gets any substance on it, it's slippery. That's just the way that it is. So I keep telling the children, sit down. Make sure you sit down in the shower. I don't want you running around and playing and pushing and all that. Because if you fall, it's not going to be pretty. You're going to have damage to some part of your body. This is all very hard. Tiles makes me nervous. I also have a chair, like a stone chair in there. Anyway, don't ask me. I demanded the stone chair that's in the corner that I never sit in. A stone chair. It's not actually a stone chair. It's a tile. It like juts out from the corner and you can sit there. And I thought, oh, yeah, this is gonna be like sexy time. Brian and Astrid or Brian just wants to take a long shower and sit and watch his favorite television show. I have never, not once, used that thing for anything except for holding a bottle of shampoo. That's it.

[B]

That's so funny. Cause I got one of those for our show.

[A]

Never use it, do you? Never once.

[B]

I did when I first got it, I was like, okay. And then I was like, okay.

[A]

I'm like, this is the most ridiculous thing in the world. Who fucking sits on a chair like this?

[B]

Well, if we had like an actual steam shower, I guess in my head I was thinking, I'll just turn the water on really hot and you have like a steamy.

[A]

Like a sauna.

[B]

Like a sauna. But it's not the same.

[A]

No. I got 30 foot ceilings. Another ridiculous. Another ridiculous design choice by Brian. Yeah, the steam escapes. You got that fart fan. That's Just sucking it up through the top. Anyway, so I'm washing all the. So stupid. Why did I put that thing in there?

[B]

I was just thinking the other day, I'm like, damn it. All I use that for now is to keep stuff.

[A]

That's it. That's all I do. I know, but it is the most attractive thing in the world to the children. It looks good, right? The children want to stand on it, jump off it the whole night.

[B]

Of course.

[A]

So I say, everyone sit down. And I got these buckets. They're like puke buckets. You know what I'm talking about? Like, but they're big bucket.

[B]

They're like big like sand pale type things.

[A]

No, like a. Like a rectangle squared. Like a hospital pan. Do you know a bed pan? I don't know. I don't know what you call them. I call them puke buckets. But they're not actually buckets. They're like big square. They're like Lexa pans. Lexapros. Those things you would use at restaurants.

[B]

Lexapros. Isn't that a. That's a medication.

[A]

Oh, it is. I should stop giving my children that. I thought it was something you hold something in. Come here, kids. Get your Lexaprose. Lexapan is what it's called. Okay, Those big square things that you would put tons of like, I don't know, in chili. Yeah, Chili's. It was like awesome Blossoms. Yeah. But now we put puke in it. Okay, so I turn around to wash one of the kids hairs and the baby is behind me and she's sitting there and she's playing like drawing things, you know, her hands on the steam windows, on the glass.

[B]

Oh, yeah, that's fun.

[A]

And so I was like, oh, that's cute. Let me turn around and wash her hair. So I wash her hair and like, I don't know, I'm two seconds into washing the hair and I here a thud. Like a thud with a smack. And I know instantaneously the babies hit the ground. And I turn around and she's face down, hands up. Like literally face into the tile. Oh. And I was like, oh. And when I say oh, like anybody, if you've been around them for long enough, certain inflections denotes how serious the oh is. And it must have been serious because in two seconds, Astrid's up, up.

[B]

Right, right.

[A]

She's up and she's right there at the glass. And I'm like, it's okay. It's okay. She just fell. It's. It's okay. And so I pick the. The baby up. And as I pick the baby up, blood comes gushing out of her. And when I say gushing, I mean gushing out of her. It's in her eye. It's all over her body. It's all over my body. It's all over the shower floor. The kids are screaming bloody murder because they think bloody murder has just happened.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Everybody's panicked, right? And so I'm like, oh, Astrid is freaking out because Astrid doesn't like blood. It's not. It's not her thing. Right. Like a lot of people, it's not her thing.

[B]

Yeah, that's right.

[A]

Whose thing is it? You're in the horror phlebotomist. That's whose thing it is. So I go, you know, quick towel, paper towel, something, you know, Astrid throws me a towel, and I put it on the. The baby's head for a second, and I'm trying to wash some of the blood out of her eye. She's screaming bloody murder. She does not want me to put anything on that wound. And I take my hand off, and the fucking waterfall just starts again. It's not going anywhere. The cut is deep, it's long, but I can't really see it because there's so much blood coming out of her head. Right.

[B]

And the water probably is still going.

[A]

Or the water's still going, but she's now out of the water.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So then I run her out of the shower, and I run to the kitchen so that I can grab some paper towels that I can wet and hopefully stop the bleeding. Right. Astrid's following behind me, and she's like, I'll call 91 1. And I'm like, no, no, no, no. Don't call 91 1. Call the doctor's office and tell. And ask them, you know, can we come in? Well, the doctor office just closed. It's like, five minutes after they closed. And so Astro's like, okay, call 91 1. Whose doctor? And I'm like, your doctor, babe. Call the doctor. The. The doctor that takes care of the children. And she's like, nine, one one. And I'm like, hey, babe, babe, okay, just. You take a break. It's okay. I got it right. And I'm dabbing the kid's head, and I'm trying to get this. And as soon as I. As soon as I can get the bleeding to slow enough, I take my hand off of it. And I can see what I think, what I imagine to be skull. That's what I imagine it to be. It's white. It's underneath the cut. And I can't imagine. I can't imagine. She's got penny tiles stuck in her head. Right. Or maybe she does. I don't know.

[B]

Yeah. No, it's that leather layer of the skin.

[A]

It's a very. It's the th layer. It's right there, right? Yeah, that's it. You cut it there. Skull right there. So I'm like.

[B]

But it wasn't skull.

[A]

It was skull.

[B]

It was skull.

[A]

I think it was skull right here. She got it cut right here, right on her. Her head.

[B]

Okay. There's a. Because there's another. That's, like a white layer that's underneath your.

[A]

There's a white layer.

[B]

Yeah. I remember one time I fell when I was young and I saw the white layer. I scraped my hand going all the way down.

[A]

Is that. Was that, like, tendon?

[B]

Yeah, it's like another part.

[A]

It's.

[B]

It's deep layer.

[A]

Okay. Like, feel your head right here.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's just skull right there. Right. I think it's skin and skull.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Anyway. I don't know. Could have been skull. Yeah, I imagined that it was.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And that's all I needed to convince myself that emergency room visit was imminent here. So I'm running through the house. I'm naked. She's naked. Blood everywhere. Right. So blood is just pouring all over the both of us. And I'm like, oh, shit. So I am going to hand the baby to asterisk. And I look at Astrid as I'm, like, going to hand her the baby so that I can get dressed to get to the emergency room. And Astrid has zero coloring in her face. Zero. Astrid has something called syncope. Syncope is a propensity to faint when I think when adrenaline hits the body or something along those lines. Right. It's a propensity to faint. And some nurse told me that sometimes syncope is brought on by adrenaline.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

In other words, the. Instead of. Of the blood rushing to your head, the blood rushes from your head. It goes in the opposite direction for whatever reason. So I'm like, okay, as like, I'm going to throw up. I'm going to throw up. I'm going to. I'm like, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You go lay down. Someone bring the puke bucket. So Now I've got 32 children in the shower all screaming because they have no idea what just happened. I've got this one screaming in my arms. She's full of blood. Every. There's Blood everywhere. And now poor Astrid is not feeling well. So I'm like, okay, you go lay down for a second. Second. And she only needed to lay down for a second, and then she went. Got the children out of the shower. But I had to get this kid dressed. I had to get her dressed while the blood was pouring out of her head. I had to get myself dressed while the blood is pouring out of her head. And so finally what I did was I took a wet paper towel, I put a little bit of it under there, and then I put a bandage as tight as I could get the bandage. Yeah, I'm like, we'll deal with ripping it off later. Like an adult. Sticky, icky, sticky, sticky, double sticky kind of bandage. The kind is never going to come off unless you have some kind of special solution that takes those things off. You know what I'm saying? I've put those things on my. Yeah, the kind that can be on your body for, like, 12 days. And then it leaves, like, some kind of skin rash under it. I wanted that skin rash. I just wanted it to stick, because I knew one thing. If I couldn't get it to stop bleeding, I couldn't then put her in a chair and drive her 20 minutes to the emergency room. Because then I'm just letting my child bleed out in the back of the car. Like, I can't do that, right?

[B]

God, so crazy.

[A]

Then the whole family's gonna have to get in the car and we're all gonna have to go, or the neighbor's gonna have to come over or something. Something very chaotic. It's very chaotic.

[B]

I can only imagine.

[A]

But I'm like, okay, take a deep breath. There's two things to do here. First, make sure Astrid's okay. If she's okay, then the kids can stay here with her. Number two is get the baby to the emergency room with the blood stopped. So I managed to get the blood stopped long enough. Now you could tell it's, like, instantaneously soaking through that thing, but it's not pouring into her eye. Poor girl had blood all in her eye. Dry blood up in her. Up in her eyelid. Like, just every. It was just everywhere, Chrissy. It was a hot, bloody moment mess. So I get her into the car, and by the time I get her into the car, she's starting to settle down a little bit. I also know that when a baby's screaming after they hit their head, that means it's unlikely there's very bad neurological damage. Because they're screaming, they feel pain, and they can use their lungs and their voice, right? So I'm like, okay, we got a couple things going first in this situation. But now I'm worried she has a concussion. I know at the very least she's going to need stitches. At the very least, she needs stitches. So we're driving over that there, and I'm talking to her because I want her to talk to me, right? I'm like, okay, talk to me. I'm like, hey, how's that boo boo back there? Swear on all that's holy. Swear on all that's holy. This is her response. Ow, ow, ow. She's trying to rip the band aid off. She's like, ow. Never heard her say these words in my entire life. She's. She has four words in her vocabulary. Mama, da, da, pee, pe poo. Right? And now ow. So I'm like, wow, this kid's really smart. She's back there. She's. She heard us say ow when we hurt ourselves, and now she's saying ow because it hurt. She hurts herself.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Get her to the emergency room. Walk up to the counter, you know. Oh, how can I help you? Yeah, I got a kid, she's got a big wound on her head, and I think she's gonna need stitches. Okay, sir, are you in a safe home? And I'm like, oh, here we go.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yep. They're gonna. I'm. Child abuse charges. I'm going to jail. That's it. I'm going to jail. What? They treat you like you're some kind of criminal. I know. They have to. I get it. I totally understand. They have to check everything. They want to make sure that the children are safe. Good for them. Good on them. But when you're on the opposite end of the questioning, it doesn't feel very good. I just need my daughter to have some stitches. So we get back to the triage room, they rip that band aid off, blood starts gushing out instantaneously again, and they're like, oh, yeah, she's definitely going to need stitches. So here's what we're going to do. We're going to put some goopy gop on there. That goopy gop is going to make her entire forehead not feel anything. Right? Right. But it takes 40 minutes for this to reach peak effect to kick in. So unfortunately, we're going to put slather this all over her, put this loose bandaging on her, and then you're going to have to go out and wait for 40 minutes. Oh. Oh, Chris.

[B]

Oh, God. It's Past, like, go back into the waiting room.

[A]

I had to go back into the waiting room. Now, luckily, they have a well in a sick waiting room. And in the well room, there was no one, so it was just us.

[B]

Okay, so.

[A]

But now, you know, she's crawling all over the hospital floor. How much more disgusting could you possibly get, honestly? So I'm trying to keep her off the floor. So I'm holding her. I'm playing games. We're flying the. You know, Mickey's on the tv. Look, it's Mickey. But she's. After a while, she's having none of it because it's past her bedtime. She's got this big gaping wound on her head. Now her entire forehead is numb. And. And. And she needs to eat, right?

[B]

Oh, God, I forgot about that.

[A]

I know. So I'm like, oh. So I leave her on the floor for a second second so that I can start texting Astrid to see where the food is. Like, we have. I have this bag. Like a go bag. Yeah, Go bag just sits at the front door, right? It's just go with the baby. And you take the bag and it has some things in it, but I know. Yeah, but I don't know if it has food in it or not. I'm sure it does, but I don't know. So I'm just texting, ask her, give her an update. And I look over and the baby has unzipped the front of the bag. She has found the bottle that has no formula in it. She's taking. She takes it out and she goes, dada Baba. She's handing it to me. She's like, dada Baba. I'm like, whoa. Oh, Holy. This kid is gonna be trouble, trouble, trouble.

[B]

Very smart.

[A]

Make her a bottle. Rocking her back and forth. Now she's starting to fall asleep and they call us back. I'm like, okay, here we go. You know, this is gonna be a nightmare upon nightmares. They're gonna take this, you know, 1 inch long, 5 millimeter, you know, in diameter needle, stick it through her head and start stitching her up. She's never gonna sit still. And I don't care how much numbing cream they put on you. It's right above her eye. She's going to see them putting her, and she's going to feel this. There's no way that I'm going to be able to hold this child down while this happens. No way. I know this child. It's not going to happen. So I get back there. Another 30 minutes passes by. Finally, the doctor comes in. By the way, they're all wonderful. They're just busy, right?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

So doctor comes in and she goes, okay, I haven't seen this, but the, you know, the girls told me about it, the nurses told me about it. I haven't seen this yet, but I'm going to wait a second to take that off. There's two ways we can do this. Number one is if I had to put one stick stitch in the head. And you think you can hold her down? We have some, like, straight jacket straps. We'll wrap her in a warm blanket and then we'll put these straight jacket straps from the bed, from underneath the bed, and we'll tie her down essentially. Okay, but you're gonna have to hold her head still, right, While we do this, because you're her father, she'll know you best. I want you to hold her head still. And I'm like, oh, okay. I barely know the child. I'm in the studio 70 days a week. I don't know the kid. Let me call the mom real quick. Let me, let me call our preschool teacher who sees her one time a week. I think she knows her better than I do. And she goes, but there's the other option. If I have to put more than one stitch in there, we have something called Versed. And Versed, imagine it like a baby Xanax or a baby bottle of wine. It's going to make her, like, drunk and it's sedated. Sedated, but in a drunky kind of way, right? Like high. A sedan, essentially. It's gonna make her high. And I was like, okay, and what's the catch here? She goes, well, there really is no catch. Some parents like it, some parents don't. It's like, you know, some parents, like kids allow kids to have sugar and some kids don't. And she goes, so it's really up to you, but if you don't think you can hold her still. And we'll count how many stitches we need. If you don't think you can hold her still, I would, you know, I would recommend it, but that's completely up to you. We'll monitor, but just know that this effect is going to last for four to six hours. So you cannot let her go. She cannot crawl, she cannot walk, she cannot stand up on her own. She's got to go right to bed, essentially. And I'm like, well, that's no problem. It's 10 o' clock at night. She's gonna go right to bed anyway. So being the responsible father that I am, I say, listen, give her two doses of Versed. One for her, one for me, right? Let's go for it, Doc. I don't care. Of course I'm gonna Uber. Yeah. Let the kid be comfortable. I don't care. Like, I don't. Why would I torture my child if I don't have to, right?

[B]

In a straight jacket.

[A]

So they have to give her Verset up her nose. They give it up your nose and then they put this strawberry, like basically strawberry sugar in her mouth to get rid of the chlorine taste of the verset.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

So she says, listen, it's going to take about 10 minutes. Oh. So she rips the band aid off. She says, oh, yeah. Three or four stitches at least we're going to have. I'm sorry. And these are big boy stitches. I can't put these butterfly straps on. I got to actually stitch her up, right? And I was like, oh, okay. She's like, that's a pretty good wound right there. There. I said, okay, definitely the Verset. So she. They give her the Verset and they said it's going to take about 10 minutes to reach peak effect. And then we'll be back in sometime between 15 and 20 minutes to start the procedure. We'll strap her down and hopefully she'll be okay. Chrissy, When I say this kid was drunk, I mean this kid was drunk. One eye was rolling in the back of her head, the other eye was like swerving around the room. And she thought everything, everything was funny.

[B]

Oh, that's good.

[A]

Everything was funny. My face was funny. Mickey on the TV was funny funny. The oxygen mask was funny. The doctors were funny. The nurses were funny. Everybody was funny. She was laughing the entire time I video of this. I swear to God, she was the cutest thing in the world. A little bit disturbing because I'm like, she got a taste early.

[B]

Yeah, she got a taste early.

[A]

I didn't get my first taste while I was 15. She got it at a year old. I'm like, okay, all right, well, listen, they gotta start sometime. I guess this kid was wasted. So they strap her down, no problem. Them. She's like, she's the cutest thing. I swear to God. Hold on one second.

[B]

At least she's laughing.

[A]

Okay, now they're going to take this 1 inch long, 30ft in diameter needle and they're going to stick it in your eyeball. Doctor comes back in, they strap her in, no problem. And then the doctor starts stitching her up. And the doctor's like, okay, this first one, she's gonna feel it. She's gonna feel a little bit like, I know her head is numb because I can see that. Like, it's weird because it causes this white splotch on her head.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

And that means that the blood is gone and the nerves are not as active or whatever. She's like, that's how we can tell it's working. So they start stitching her up. Chrissy. I'm like, oh, man, this is. This is incredible. This is incredible. Where's this wonder drug when I need it? Like, on an airplane or a long car ride or blue or something? Where is this magical drug? Vere said someone sends them to the studio. They stitch her up, everything's fine. She's great. She laughs through the entire thing. And I'm like, lovely. Doctor says, great. She did great. You know, they'll dissolve in two weeks or whatever. You know, nice to meet you. Blah, blah, blah. Nurse is going to stay with you. Take one last vital sign, Then you're going to go, oh, and I need her to drink. Drink at least a little bit of juice before she goes. I want to make sure she can swallow without throwing it back up. And I also want to make sure that the sugar will give her a little pep just to kind of bring her a little bit more, too, so she's not so junky junkie, right? I said, okay. She's never had juice before, but okay, bring her whatever, an apple juice. So they come in, they bring the crappy Sam's apple juice or whatever they have, right? And I poke the straw in there. You poke the little straw at the top, and she sucks it. She's just learning how to suck on the straw. She sucks and she figured. Managed to figure it out. And she drinks this thing in 30.2 seconds flat. It's like she was like something came to her in a. In a dream. Like she had a godlike experience. Not only was she drunk, but she speedballed it. You know what I'm saying? She got the heroin, and then she got the cocaine right after it. She was in heaven. So she sucks it down, and she's playing with the box, and I'm like, okay, all right, good job. Great. Yeah, you know, throwing up. No, you swallowed it just fine. Everything's good. I take the box out of her hand and I throw it into the little trash container trainer. And she screams bloody murder.

[B]

She wanted to keep the box.

[A]

No, she wanted more juice.

[B]

She wanted more juice.

[A]

She couldn't get it by the way the girl had just had her, her one year shots that same day she had one year shots, she fell, she lost a bunch of blood. Blood. She got four stitches in her head. She's got Versed, she's drunk as a skunk. And the one thing that bothered her the entire day, the one thing that bothered her the entire day is that I took her sugary, shitty juice away from her. She wanted more. If this isn't proof that sugar is crack, I don't know what is. I've never seen a more addictive, I've never seen a more clear and concise argument for sugar is terrible for you than my one year old child who absolutely went apeshit when I took her box away. It was hard to believe. Hard to believe.

[B]

Well, yeah, she knows what she wants.

[A]

Yeah, crack. She wants to get high.

[B]

But you already do this due to the other 30 kids that you have and the most recent Halloween.

[A]

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Still. Candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy. That's all they ask for, is candy. That's. That's the only thing that they ask for. They want candy. They, every time they pass a vending machine, candy, candy, candy. But this is like such a black and white example of that. She had never had a sugary juice in her life. Never had anything except for water, milk and food. Like actual, you know, vegetables or whatever we're feeding her. I don't even know. I'm not there around dinner time. I'm here in the studio recording my 30th episodes. I don't know. But Chrissy, if you and Jeff decide to be like Madonna and adopt a bunch of small children from around the world, just remember that once you give them that taste of sugar, they're never going back. Now I'm not going to have any more children because my jizzle drizzle has been cut off. Oh, Jeff's has too. Yes. If we ever decide to adopt small children from a, you know, a third world country, I'm going to tell you right now, we're not giving them sugar. If I could go back and do it all over again.

[B]

So hard to avoid though, you know, not having any at all.

[A]

Well, no, this is true. You're right about that. But you know, know, especially in the United States of America where everything is. And every party has sugar and everything has cake, it's so crappy. But then you go into a hospital, you know, a facility, emergency room facility, and you would think that they would know better than to give that crappy, shitty, sugary juice But I guess that was kind of the point was to wake her up. And man, did she wake up. She woke up and she got pissed. Pissed. The whole car ride home. The lady was like, oh, I can give her another juice. And I'm thinking to myself, no, no, no, no, no, don't give it another. Yes, bring in the other juice, please. But I didn't open it. I just let her hold it. And she was trying her. I took the straw to that little plastic wrapper that's probably going straight into some fish's gullet that I'm gonna be fed next week at, you know, $30 a plate at some fine dining fish restaurant here in Atlanta. And she was trying her damnedest to poke that to get into it, man. She wasn't. She hadn't been so drunk. I think she would have got done it because she's a smart one.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

I'm glad she said, all right, we'll be back. Like a second break here. And we'll be back. Ugh. Finally.

[C]

I feel like I was waiting forever for my turn to talk. Now that I have you, go to tcbpodcast.com to find all of our audio and video content and follow us on Instagram at the commercial break and on TikTok. CBpodcast want it to be your turn to talk. Call us and spill the tea at 626askTCB3 and you may hear your voice on the show. You can also text us your T@855, TCB8383. And boy, do we love to hear it. Anyway, take a listen to our sponsors and let's get back to the show.

[A]

I'm gonna set this studio on fire on your face.

[B]

This is like a chain reaction.

[A]

I know. I hit the fork, I hit the pencil. The pencil went into the cup. The cup come full, falling, falling down. Oh, my God. I was. You know, my brother has also been dealing with some medical issues.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And so he was over there and I took him, you know, around town doing this other stuff, and he was saying to me, I was sharing with him that I was just a little bit stressed out over a lot of the stuff that's been going on. Sure. Listen, take one of those nibble nabs, dude. The nibbity nabbities. The little gummy doobie, you know, take some thc, basically, Right. He's telling me to get one waist speaking high. Yeah. He's telling me to take a gummy. He's like, take a gummy before you go to bed. It'll relax you, you'll be able to sleep through the night, you know, blah, blah, blah. And I share with him that, you know, at one point, not. Not in this state, in a different state that I lived in at one time very recently, I had a gummy.

[B]

I remember that, Yes.

[A]

I had a gummy. I had gummies. I had two different kinds. I had the CBD gummies. Gummies, Right. And then I had the THC gummies. I had both of them somewhere locked away in this other state that I was living in where it's legal. And I mixed them up one night, I accidentally mixed them up and the one that I ate ended up being the THC one. And it was very potent. It was like 50. Yeah.

[B]

You never know. You and your body metabolizes them differently. Different level difference.

[A]

And it can metabolize it different from day to day. Yes. And you don't know that that one drop of THC, that's 50mg micrograms, whatever it is, didn't go to this corner of the gummy and not that corner of the gummy. So you're like, you could. It's basically rolling the dice every time. I took a relatively small amount. But my body, I would say, is THC naive very much now at this point in my life. Right. And so I didn't think much of it until I woke up about three in the morning that I went right to sleep. I didn't feel high, none of it, until I woke up in the middle of the night having an absolute terror panic attack. Like, just like freaked out about everything.

[B]

Oh, God.

[A]

And I did not know why, but it lasted for like four hours. I never got back to sleep that night. And I went into the day foggy and hazy, and it was just a terrible experience. And it wasn't until I had realized what I had done that I realized what happened was I just got super high.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it caused me to get very, I guess, paranoid and anxious. Right. I was sleeping and I don't know, maybe I had a bad dream and it just kind of kicked off this. This chain event in my brain. Right. But, man, are these dippity dabs. Are they really potent these days or what?

[B]

Well, there's different strengths that you can get.

[A]

But I mean, just like, in general, the weed that can be.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

The weed that is available to the general public these days has got to be. And I'm sure there's studies on this. And this is, again, a fact that I'm making up in my head. But it's got to be more than 50 times stronger than what we used to smoke. This dirt weed that we used to smoke. Smoke. I mean, when I say dirt weed, I mean dirt. We go outside.

[B]

Stems and seeds.

[A]

All of it didn't matter. You'd try and not smoke the stems and seeds, but then when you got to the bottom of the bag, you smoke the stems and seeds. There's got to be some THC in there, right? Cares. Throw it in the bowl, let's poke it up. Because you'd be token all night and all day and you'd never leave. You know, I don't know the first floor, but now you nib on the corner. And for seven hours I'm like a child in the fetal position in my own bed. My child's taking care of me. It's. I'm like a mumbling, stumbling idiot.

[B]

Yeah, you need to get the ones that are like the lowest strength. Those are good.

[A]

Five weeks ago.

[B]

Well, plus somebody that gives them to you may have a higher tolerance.

[A]

Well, that's what clearly I realized. Yeah. Is that the person who gave it to me is, you know, is. Is not naive about anything having to do with thc. But I mean, when I say shitty shit weed, you could go outside and grab a handful of topsoil and it probably has more THC than the. That we were smoking back when we were kids. Yeah, it was nasty ass, but you could smoke it all day and all night. That was the great thing about it. And just give you a little bit of a buzz. Just a little buzz. It's like drinking two beers. A little bit of a buzz.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Now I go to California to visit. I go out to la, I. Wherever I'm going, where it's legal. Colorado, Colorado. These kids, I say kids and adults, they're all whacked out of their gourds because the THC levels are incredible in these. Yeah. If we had to take a guess, we'd say that, like the THC levels back when we were smoking was like 3 to 5% THC. Right. Now some of these companies are making these, these, these gummies and these edibles and, and growing marijuana that's got 25 THC in it on average, which is an incredible amount of thc.

[B]

That's why you gotta talk to your bud tender.

[A]

Oh, man. Amount of time. How you doing?

[B]

We went out to Colorado. We went to one of those places. And Jeff was like, I can't even believe that this is a job. I would have never thought growing up that this would have been an option for me to go down this path.

[A]

Because I would have gone, yeah, you know, you go in, you fill out the application, and, you know, seven days later, here I am. So what kind of weed are you looking for? Because, you know, there's like lots of stuff that does some stuff to you. So just give me, like, what's your. Give me your mental and emotional. Physical state. Tell me, Chrissy. Give me the rundown.

[B]

Yeah, there's all kinds of different ones. Ones to make, you know.

[A]

I'm asking you what you're. What, what, what are you looking to cure? What is your. What ails you right now?

[B]

Let's say sleep.

[A]

Sleep. Oh, yeah, we got the purple snurples and the smurfy burfees. And though both of those are an indica kush hybrid where indica and some other stuff is mixed in there. CBD 5% THC 48. Now, what you're going to want to do if you're like me is, you know, I can't tell you what to do with it, but I can suggest, you know, what you do with it is. What you do is in the morning when you wake up, you take three eyedroppers full and you just throw it down your gullet. And then you switch that down with some coffee. You're gonna feel pretty bad for the first seven to 12 hours, but after that you're gonna mellow out right into a good night's sleep. I'm. I'm telling you, it's really good. Don't try and have sex on it because you likely aren't gonna feel any appendages in your body. But you know, and I understand you got a delicate flower down there. So if you do want some stuff to get your vagina high, I do have kythc jelly, which is just. It's just radical, man. It really enlightens, brightens up that whole flower down there. You know what, Dan?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay, Sounds good.

[A]

And if you need some anal stuff, I've got that too. I've got this. I've got this magic wand. You put it in your ass and it delivers a strong hit of 72 THC directly to your colon.

[B]

It really is everything.

[A]

Yeah, I get these foot creams, man. They get me so high. These foot creams are awesome. They're 172% THC by volume. And you put it on your phone foot and pretty soon you can't feel your eyes. It's. It's kind of a weird feeling, but you'll get used to It. Now, what I do Recommend is waiting 15 minutes to drive. It's kind of like swimming, you know, you can't swim after 30 minutes of. After you ate. Yeah, that's right. You should wait 30 minutes to drive after you take this particular gummy. And it makes sure that you don't get any kind of car accident or anything. Oh, and by the way, I got to put this in the lockbox on your way out the door. You're not allowed to show it to anybody until you get home. No one gives a. About marijuana anymore. No one gives a.

[B]

No.

[A]

I drive around these streets of Atlanta.

[B]

Oh. And it just permeates from the airport everywhere.

[A]

Everywhere. I'm at McDonald's.

[B]

I always noticed if we get delivery, like a food delivery or something.

[A]

Yeah. The eggs smell like weed. And you're like, what the. Why do my eggs?

[B]

I'm like, oh, I know. Okay.

[A]

It is. Let me be clear. Clear. It is legal here. I think you get a ticket if you have anything less than an ounce for personal use. You just get a ticket. In the city of Atlanta, not in all counties, but in the city of Atlanta proper, they decriminalized marijuana to some degree. So you get basically a parking ticket. It's like $150 fine. You can pay it online, whatever. It's. It's not a big deal. Yeah, but it would appear that we have legalized marijuana in this city because there is no place that you can go anywhere ever. And this is the one thing that I don't like about. About the kind of the decriminalization of marijuana, which I 1000% agree with, by the way. What I don't care for is clearly everybody on 285 on any given Sunday is smoking marijuana. Because I opened my window to get a little fresh air, and all I get is secondhand marijuana smoke while I'm driving down the road.

[B]

It is everywhere.

[A]

It's crazy. It's like, wow. I was at the Kroger yesterday, which is a shopping center. Shopping grocery store here in the southeast, east and other places. And I park, and then a dude parks right next to me. Dude's driving a really nice BMW. Gets out. It's Sunday. Gets out. He's got a. He's got a Sunday best on, right. Whatever it is. Master shirt, you know, sunglasses, the whole nine yards. This dude came from the right side of the tracks, right? So I go into the store. I come back out. Dude is still sitting in his car. He had gotten out, and then he had. He had never made it to the store that I know of, because he was right in front of me. And then he turned around and then he's gone. So I assumed he went back to his car. I go back to my car, he's still in his car and he is vaping and he's blowing like smoke rings inside his tinted out windows like that. But he's got the window cracked just a little bit. Chrissy. It smelled like I was standing next to a Bud tank. I was like, holy, dude, you are just smoking and smoking and smoking away. Not two in the world. When I started smoking marijuana, and I know that, you know, the good old days is the like lowest form of conversation, but I'm just sharing this with you. When I started smoking marijuana, and I'm sure that Chrissy started smoking sometime around there too, or had her experiences sometime around there, smoking in a car was the most dangerous thing that you could possibly do because surely the police had a helicopter and they were looking for you. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, you were so paranoid about ever being out in public. Even if you were just high out in public, you would think that everybody knew you were high and they were going to call the police and you were going to get busted for the fucking gram of, you know, shitty dirt weed you had in your little Ziploc bag or whatever. I was. We were all so highly and keenly aware of our surroundings, of what we were doing and when we were doing it, how we were doing it, because we didn't want to get buzzed. Busted. That was the last thing that anybody wanted. And it was so illegal, we felt so guilty about it, we would not smoke it anywhere except for a basement, maybe out in the woods. 3:00 clock in the morning, next to.

[B]

A house, you know, your friend's older brother's apartment.

[A]

That's right, something like that. That guy who wants to sleep with you, that older guy that wants to sleep with you that works at the restaurant and he says, come watch some UFC videos with me. Yes, that's when you would go smoke weed. You wouldn't smoke weed out in the Kroger parking lot on a Sunday afternoon with the windows rolled down. That would be a dumbass thing to do. Now, it hasn't gotten much more legal here. And in this, where I live in this county, it is still 100 illegal to do any of that. But this guy don't give two shits. You want to know why? Because no one else gives two shits. No one's going to take that guy to jail. They don't care.

[B]

He needed to build up his appetite too, to go in and get his groceries.

[A]

Man, I. I had an appetite. I didn't make it home. The Kroger's five minutes away. Then make it home without eating two donuts that I had just bought because I was high. Because the THC level in his weed is so high that everyone else around him gets high. Here's why I bring this all up. I bring this all up because I read an interesting story this morning. I want to share it with you. Girlfriend who stabbed a boyfriend 188 times in marijuana induced episode smoked a strain that had more than 30% THC in it. 30%.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Lawyers for a California woman who avoided prison time after fatally stabbing her boyfriend 108 times in a marijuana induced psychotic episode have revealed that she consumed a strain of the drug with a level of THC more than 30%, significantly higher than the average dose. Oh, she got off with this murder, by the way. The defense of cannabis induced psychosis was based primarily on the testimony of both of renowned psychiatrist William Worthing and prosecution expert Chris Mohadin. The strain had a warning label indicating it was for high tolerance users only since its THC content was above the average of between 18 and 24%, which in and of in itself is a lot of thc. The defense presented in court was not a conjure job as some had described in a state of unconsciousness. This woman also stabbed her dog and then herself repeatedly after deputies were called to her apartment.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Wershing and Mohadin were among four experts whose work was cited in the trial who said that this woman's violence was unpredictable and unforeseeable. She had only smoked weed less than half a dozen times before the state fatal stabbing. She got off on this murder. Murder. She was convicted of involuntary manslaughter instead of premeditated murder because she had smoked weed with too much THC in it.

[B]

So, Chris, your warning labels.

[A]

I present to you the idea of the century. We are going to rob a Las Vegas casino, Ocean's eleven style. High on some dibbity dabs that I've got in my house. Somewhere in the other state somewhere.

[B]

I don't think we'd get past the buffet bar.

[A]

I don't think you and I. I don't think.

[B]

Look at the lights on the slot machine.

[A]

Lobster tails with butter.

[B]

Ice cream sundae.

[A]

We could smoke cigarettes in here. It's like a Parisian street, right? In America. I know. We'd be on the gondolas taking a Ride?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Like, the getaway driver would be like walkie talkie and goes, guys, Guys, are you there? I'm outside. I'm outside waiting for you. Cool, man, cool. We're gonna be like, a couple more minutes, okay? The police are here. Yeah, I don't think we did anything yet, though. We're just talking it over. We're reviewing the plan one more time. Listen, we're gonna stop by the steakhouse and get ourselves some meals. I'm being arrested. Oh, man, that sucks. Do me a favor. Don't tell them you're with us, okay? We're enjoying ourselves in here. After consideration, we were gonna take money. Now we're just gonna give it back to them. Is that cool with you?

[B]

Yeah, we wouldn't be able to get through that.

[A]

Yeah, two of us. Two of us nudniks. What would we do? Sober as a goat. We couldn't get away with that. No.

[B]

I always go in the movies, though, though, man.

[A]

Does it. Yeah. What was that? Ocean's Nine, Ocean's Ten, Ocean's Eleven. What was twelve and a Half? Twelve and a half, thirteen. I don't know how many of them there were there. It seemed like there were seven of them, but I think there were three. But that first one was pretty brilliantly done. It was pretty brilliantly done. And that Brad Pit, he's also a THC user at Brad Pitt, isn't he? Most of them are, yeah. Didn't. Was. He had a drinking problem for a while, and I think he sobered up.

[B]

I guess there, you know, you're always hearing stuff. Well, they owned, like, this whole vineyard out in France. Yeah.

[A]

That's bad for an alcoholic to own a video.

[B]

Yeah, I think so.

[A]

But her. Him and Angelina are now divorced.

[B]

Yeah. It's a bad. A nasty divorce.

[A]

Well, I think the word was. Is that he was, like, drunk on a plane one time and hit one of the kids or got violent with one of the kids. And then I read an article where he said, like, you know, alcohol was a demon and he had to, like, purge it from his life. But if you own a vineyard, I mean. Yeah, that'd be like. Yeah, that'd be like me owning a cow. Wow. Or I could just get cream and cereal right from it. You know what I'm saying? It's not going to take me further away from the problem. It's just going to bring me closer to it. That's right.

[B]

Oh, we'll call it what?

[A]

Oceans 21, Ocean's 33.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Ocean 33P.

[B]

Ocean 420.

[A]

That's right. Look into my pen eye. Look into my twirly swirly peanut. Oh, my gosh. All right. Hey. It's so good to have you back, my friend.

[B]

So good to be back and to be here. I missed you.

[A]

Yeah, I missed you too. Yeah, I did. I missed you. I just. I love how Tina and Christina and Astrid, everybody, how they all step in and. And help, but it's, you know, it's never quite the same. No, it's never quite, quite the same.

[B]

Well, I do appreciate their help.

[A]

Yeah. And hey, I want to thank everybody who's been calling and writing in. Everybody's been so nice. They've all been very supportive. Wondering what's going on with Chrissy. I think they legitimately think you're leaving the show and you're just doing it slowly. Yeah. They're like, well, if it's just Brian, I'm out. Yeah. But thank you for calling and writing in. We love you. We love you. We love you. If you've left for voicemail over the last six months, I promise I will get to it. I was explaining that the phone system that we use had multiple different inboxes and I didn't realize that I was checking one of the four inboxes that we had.

[B]

Thing happened when we had the, the. What was the newsletter thing that we had? Oh, that you were checking the wrong email in.

[A]

Oh, yeah, the. The break room break. Yeah. But back then there were only like one person responded to us.

[B]

True.

[A]

Now we have 11 people that left a voicemail. No, there's like 72 voices. I swear to God there is. Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. I started to go through them last night and I was like, you know what? I'll get to it tomorrow.

[B]

Take it in chunks.

[A]

Yeah, I do. I do have to take it in.

[B]

Ch.

[A]

Some people think they're really funny and some people are. By the way. Okay, I'd like you to do me a favor. Go to tcb podcast.com. that's where you find out more information about the show. You can listen to all the audio, watch all the video right there from one location. TCBpodcast.com if you want your free 1 inch by 1 inch piggy fronting sticker, stamp size piggy fronting sticker. Do us a favor. Go to the drop down menu on the contact us button. Give us your physical address, we'll send it off. 626stcb. The number three. 626 Ask TCB the number three. Questions, comments, concerns content ideas, YouTube.com the commercial break. All right, Chrissy, I guess that's all I can do for today.

[B]

I think so.

[A]

I love you.

[B]

And I love you.

[A]

And best to you, my friend. We're saying goodbye until next time. Chrissy and I always say, we do say, and we must say goodbye. Sam, It.