BBS: Bare Bottom Spanking

Summary

The Commercial Break – "BBS: Bare Bottom Spanking"
Episode Date: February 2, 2024
Hosts: Bryan Green, Krissy Hoadley, Kristen Joy (guest host)

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Episode Overview

In classic TCB fashion, this episode delivers a hilarious, meandering deconstruction of 90s Christian sitcoms, specifically a bizarre show called "Family First" (aka "Fire by Night"), famous for its awkward humor and questionable writing. Bryan, Krissy, and Kristen riff on the show's strange family dynamics, odd plotlines, and recurring mentions of "bare bottom spankings."

The trio blends discussion of 90s pop culture, improv tangents, and sharp-witted commentary on everything from Pauly Shore’s comeback attempts to the inexplicable charm (or lack thereof) of Christian variety television.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Pauly Shore’s Return & Richard Simmons Biopic

(00:56–04:57)

• Bryan brings up the odd Hollywood news that Pauly Shore is angling to play Richard Simmons in a biopic, following a short film where he portrayed Simmons.
• They debate the logic of Pauly Shore’s acting comeback, question his suitability for the role, and whether the project will succeed without Simmons’ blessing.
• Notable Quote
  Bryan (09:09): “There's a double dicking going on with Richard Simmons. If you say he's a dick, you're a dick. You know what I'm saying?”
• Richard Simmons publicly disapproves the project: “Leave me alone. I just want to live the rest of my life in peace.” (07:31)
• The hosts reminisce about Pauly’s MTV days and share a personal story of meeting him as kids, where Pauly used one of their cigarettes as an onstage prop.

2. Nostalgic Tangent: Catfish & 90s TV References

(03:02–06:24)

• Side discussion on MTV’s "Catfish," the psychology behind online deception, and the current state of MTV.
• Riffing on shows Bryan and Krissy watched growing up, and their own experiences as 90s teens (e.g., how easy it was to buy cigarettes underage).

3. Podcast Live Show Dreams & Self-Parody

(16:01–18:09)

• The group jokes about TCB doing a live show—at a wood flooring convention, or as an “expo” act; self-deprecating humor about their target audience and humble ambitions.
• Improv bit: “Hambone and Hoadley in the Morning”—mock drive-time radio schtick full of absurd banter.

4. Main Segment: Watching and Roasting ‘Family First’ (aka 'Fire by Night')

(22:19–54:00+)

• The hosts launch into a real-time, Mystery Science Theater-style mockery of "Family First," a little-known 90s Christian sitcom found on YouTube.

• Key Observations:

  • The show’s structure, acting, and writing are roasted relentlessly.
  • Awkward family moments, running gags (e.g., “bare bottom spankings”), and missionary plotlines are lampooned.
  • The cast’s questionable ages: “The children in this television show Look 62. They don't look like children at all.” (33:41)
  • Frequent sexual/absurd innuendos about the family’s closeness and spanking threats (“Do you want a bare bottom spanking?”).
  • Bizarre set pieces and props, including chicken dances, sports scholarships, and globe-spinning.

• Notable Quotes & Bits:

  • Chrissy (33:17): “The brother and sister about to have sex, and this is on pornhub action.”
  • Kristen Joy (34:00): “Do you want a bare bottom prostate exam from your father with his special Fire by not stick? I didn't think so.”
  • Bryan (36:49): “Let me just critique this acting here for a second because I think it's so good.”
  • Kristen Joy (54:40): “You got any more of those bare bottom spankings I’ve been looking for? I heard you do the chicken dance. Can you come down and do a bare bottom chicken dance up on these nuts?”
  • Bryan (62:13): “Family matters. Fire by night, trial by fire. Bare bottom spanking. I'm just gonna start calling it BBS. Bare Bottom Spanking.”

• The trio plays up the sexual overtones and odd Christian attempts at humor, with continuous callbacks to the "bare bottom spanking" motif, which becomes the episode's comedic anchor.

• Memorable Timestamps:

  • 32:55: First appearance of the “bare bottom spanking” threat.
  • 39:41: Chickenary/missionary wordplay (“He is gonna be a chickenary.”)
  • 47:00–54:00: Multiple “weightlifting” scenes derailed by improv about weak acting and tissue-laden bedrooms.
  • 58:11: Flasher raincoat bit: “He does a flasher coat on.”
  • 59:43–62:03: The climactic “bare bottom spanking” jokes reach peak absurdity.

5. Meta-Commentary & Wrapping Up

• Reflections on obscure TV, public domain shows, and how even low-budget content can be oddly endearing if watched with the right attitude (or friends).
• Final Joke:
  Kristen Joy (61:43): "Daddy, are you gonna give me a bare bottom spanking?"
  Bryan (61:48): "No, we stopped that about 20 years ago. Go. You’re lucky. However, Blue...I’ll give a bare bottom spanking to."
• They sign off still riffing on “bare bottom spankings,” planning to check tcbpodcast.com for more, and wishing the podcast universe “best to you!”

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Notable Quotes (with Timestamps)

• 09:09 Bryan: "There's a double dicking going on with Richard Simmons. If you say he's a dick, you're a dick."
• 33:17 Chrissy: "The brother and sister about to have sex, and this is on pornhub action."
• 34:00 Kristen Joy: "Do you want a bare bottom prostate exam from your father with his special Fire by not stick? I didn't think so."
• 39:41 Brian: "He is gonna be a chickenary."
• 59:43 Kristen Joy: "You got any more of those bare bottom spankings I’ve been looking for? I heard you do the chicken dance. Can you come down and do a bare bottom chicken dance up on these nuts?"
• 62:13 Bryan: "Family matters. Fire by night, trial by fire. Bare bottom spanking. I'm just gonna start calling it BBS. Bare Bottom Spanking."
• 61:43 Kristen Joy / 61:48 Bryan: “Daddy, are you gonna give me a bare bottom spanking?” “No, we stopped that about 20 years ago. Go. You’re lucky. However, Blue...I’ll give a bare bottom spanking to.”

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:56–04:57: Discussion of Pauly Shore, Richard Simmons biopic controversy
• 03:02–06:24: "Catfish," MTV, and pop culture nostalgia
• 16:01–18:09: Live show fantasies, "Hambone and Hoadley in the Morning"
• 22:19–54:00+: Full roast of "Family First" (aka Fire by Night)
  • 32:55: Bare Bottom Spanking motif introduced
  • 39:41: Chicken missionary humor
  • 47:00–54:00: Weightlifting scene improv
  • 58:11: Raincoat/flasher joke
• 59:43–62:03: Ridiculous climax and recurring “bare bottom spanking” jokes

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Tone and Style

The episode is unscripted, chaotic, and full of irreverent, boundary-pushing humor. Bryan, Krissy, and Kristen freely riff, improvise characters, and escalate running gags to absurdist levels, while punctuating their commentary with dry, self-aware observations about the state of pop culture and their own show.

Listeners get the feeling of hanging out with old friends who have seen a lot of weird TV and aren’t afraid to poke fun at anything (or themselves), all while embracing the absurd.

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Summary Takeaway

"BBS: Bare Bottom Spanking" is a quintessential episode of The Commercial Break: unfiltered, offbeat, and giddily inappropriate. Whether you miss 90s sitcom cheese or just enjoy a relentless roast of peculiar pop culture artifacts, the synergy of Bryan, Krissy, and Kristen ensures you’ll be laughing at things you didn’t realize could be funny—especially anything involving chicken dances, missionary work, and bare bottom spankings.

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Best to you, podcast universe!

Transcript

[Brian Green]

Three places I can tell you I'm not going in 20, 24. Above and beyond the extra mile are out of my way. On this episode of the Commercial Break. My mom sold that to him from Country Peddler.

[Chrissy]

Yes. The whole house looks like it's done in country.

[Brian Green]

That's right. Look at that, Daddy. So intense. You preached. You didn't tell him about any of our secrets, did you?

[Chrissy]

Things we do at night. That's right.

[Brian Green]

You're gonna get a bare bottom spanking to remember. The next episode of the Commercial break starts now.

[Kristen Joy]

2:30 in the morning. Welcome back to the Commercial Break. I'm Brian Green. This is the Informer. Kristen Joy only. Best to you, Kristen.

[Chrissy]

Best to you.

[Brian Green]

Best to you out there in the podcast universe.

[Chrissy]

Thanks for re sticking that song in my head.

[Kristen Joy]

Hey, no problem.

[Brian Green]

Anytime you want to be annoyed by me, I'm happy to oblige. As all of our listeners and I keep showing up. Yeah, well, it's the promise of getting paid, I think at some point in the future that keeps you coming back. I am reading this really, like, there's like kind of a little tit for tat going on with two of the strangest character bedfellows that you would ever imagine. Pauly Shore and Richard Simmons. Have you seen this?

[Chrissy]

No.

[Brian Green]

Bali Shore.

[Kristen Joy]

The Weasel. The Weasel.

[Brian Green]

Remember that? He used to do that weasel thing on mtv.

[Chrissy]

I remember first being introduced to him from mtv.

[Brian Green]

Yes.

[Chrissy]

But he was like, you know, the surfer party dude.

[Brian Green]

Whatever he was doing. I don't know, I didn't. It wasn't my favorite thing back then. It certainly didn't age well as Pterodome can.

[Kristen Joy]

What was that?

[Brian Green]

Didn't he do like Terra Dome or I'm in the army now or so? There's a couple of string of really terrible movies. But he's around. His mother is.

[Chrissy]

Yeah. She was the founder of the Punchline or the Punt or the Comedy Comedy Store.

[Brian Green]

Very famous lady who was like a power broker in comedy because she owned the LA Comedy Store. And anybody who's anybody got their start there, did some stand up there. Still does stand up there. It's a very prominent room to play. And if you play one of those rooms, you are like, it's a sign that you're either upand coming or you've made it. Which is why we've never been invited.

[Chrissy]

Correct.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. I don't think you're going to see the commercial break live at the Comedy Store anytime soon, though. I don't know. Maybe. You never know. So Paulie Shore has largely taken over where his mom left off. I understand he's kind of like, you know, pulling the strings back at the Comedy Store, doing something at the Comedy Store. But he's largely been out of the limelight for like 25 years. I mean, you don't hear much about Pauly Shore here and there. Some things will pop up. Maybe he's on a podcast or a vodcaster or whatever. But he certainly hasn't done any acting and no stand up that I'm aware of. And MTV doesn't exist anymore. And even if it did, I'm not sure the Weasel would come back and find fun.

[Chrissy]

Well, MTV does exist because I see it when I come into the studio.

[Brian Green]

I mean, music television does not exist anymore. How's that? Catfish. Catfish and Rob Dyrdek do still have a channel called MTV that Nev. Whatever his name is. Neve and Rob apparently own MTV. And that's what they show 24 hours a day. Either ridiculousness or catfish. And I'm into catfish. I like that. It never gets old for me. I don't know why. It's like, how do people. What in the world is going through your head that you date someone for five years, send them money, give them your Social Security number, send dick pics or chitch pics or whatever.

[Chrissy]

You're in a full blown relationship.

[Brian Green]

You're in a full blown. I'm gonna ready to get married for years. And they have never once bothered to send you a picture. Never once. Or get on the phone with you or face.

[Chrissy]

But it's like somebody else. Yeah, right. It's not the. That's the catfish part.

[Brian Green]

That's the catfish part. And Neve himself was catfish. I don't need to tell the story. Everybody knows the story of catfish. You know, there's a famous movie that came out and at the time, everybody was shocked, like, holy. That happened. And now it happens all the time. They're like professional catfishers. That's all they do is create new pages, fake pages, and try and lure people in for whatever emotional, spiritual, money. A lot of different reasons. But Nev and you know, his band of Mary Pranksters, they're always out there trying to find the next catfish. Atlanta seems to be a big home for a lot of these people. By the way, they're always flying to Atlanta.

[Kristen Joy]

Over to Atlanta, back to Atlanta. Here we are in Atlanta.

[Brian Green]

And I just want to state for the record, I am behind, behind none of it. Okay? What you see is what you get. My this face is what you get. But Anyway, so I digress. Paulie sure has now played in a very short. It's like five minutes long. He played Richard Simmons in a short movie. The movie is. And it's online. Maybe I'll put the link to it. It's on YouTube. You can watch it for free. Because who would pay for a five minute movie? I don't know, but. Okay, all right, I digress.

[Chrissy]

There's subscriptions to everything.

[Brian Green]

There's subscriptions to everything. The movie is. Okay. It's interesting enough. The premise is it's like a 90s talk show. Like, kind of like Jenny Jones, Ellen, something like that. Actually, I think the woman is supposed to. She looks like and is made up to look like Ellen. So imagine on Ellen and Richard Simmons is going to come and talk about his new workout video and the production assistant who's in charge of making sure that that video is in his hand, the DVD is in his hand. So he can show the crowd is. Has not done his job and how sad he is that he didn't do his job. No one recognizes him. All this other stuff. So that's the main plot of the story. But there is like three minutes of the movie. Two and a half. Three minutes of the movie.

[Chrissy]

Out of five.

[Brian Green]

Out of five. Okay, where Paulie Shore. Correct. Where Paulie. So it's actually 50% of the movie where Paulie Shore, if I'm doing my math correct, carrying the one where Paulie Shore plays Richard Simmons.

[Chrissy]

Okay. In my opinion, like, as a guest on the show.

[Brian Green]

No, he. Yes, as a guest on the Ellen show. Like in the movie. He's a guest on this television show made up.

[Chrissy]

You can call it a movie. That's confusing.

[Brian Green]

That's what they call it. I. I don't know. It's independent short film. Yeah. Okay. It's a short film. If we're going to split hairs about what to call it.

[Chrissy]

Well, being Killers of the Flower Moon versus the five minute movie.

[Kristen Joy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

My attention span's perfect for the five minute movie.

[Chrissy]

I know it is.

[Brian Green]

So I haven't watched Killers of the Flower Moon, but. And I want to. But. Because isn't it like 3 hours and 12 minutes long?

[Chrissy]

It is. I know. I want to watch it too, but it was a time commitment.

[Brian Green]

I put in a catheter to watch Oppenheimer. I can't even imagine what's going to happen. Killers of the Flower Mood. Okay. So in this short film, he plays. For a period of the film, he plays Richard Simmons. And to me, a not very convincing Richard Simmons.

[Chrissy]

It Was just because of the curly hair.

[Kristen Joy]

Yeah, well, okay.

[Brian Green]

They even put a wig on him. I mean, it's really not. It's really not extraordinarily convincing, but. Okay, I can kind of see some of the. Let me. Let me see if I can find you a picture. I can kind of see some of the resemblance, but for my money, he's not really playing a very great version of Richard Simmons. Richard Simmons?

[Chrissy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

I'm showing Chrissy a picture and so maybe Astrid can pop open a. Pop up a picture there on the video. I can see the similarity in looks. I do not see the similarity in personality. I do not think Paulie is doing a particularly great impression of Richard Simmons. Richard Simmons is a very dynamic, energetic. In your face. He's one of a kind. Well, he's still alive.

[Chrissy]

No, I.

[Brian Green]

Okay.

[Chrissy]

That's what he used to do on tv. He's been gone for a while. Then that was that show, the podcast.

[Brian Green]

Where in the world is Richard?

[Chrissy]

Yeah, people were worried about him, but.

[Brian Green]

I guess they're still worried about him. But he's fine. And I'll tell you why I know he's fine is because now there has been some conversation about a full blown biopic of Richard Simmons. Paulie Shores plotting his comeback, his acting comeback, playing Richard Simmons in this biopic. And apparently they're far along the pre production road with this. And so people started talking in the Hollywood trade rags and stuff like this about Pauly Shore playing Richard Simmons. And Richard Simmons came out of the woodwork for the first time in a long time and said, I don't want this to happen. I didn't give my blessing for this. I'm not interested in it. I will not help with it. And so it's an unauthorized, unauthorized. And he basically said, leave me alone. I just want to live the rest of my life in peace. And listen, there's a lot of people who have been arguing that Richard Simmons was such a big part of our lives for so long. He was everywhere. Every talk show, every. You know, I don't think podcasts were around back then, but, you know, every.

[Chrissy]

Well, he was sold all the commercial, you know, I mean, it was the.

[Brian Green]

For his tapes, for his tapes, for his workout tapes. And I think by all accounts, Richard Simmons did a lot of good for a lot of people. Yeah.

[Chrissy]

And sweating to the oldies.

[Brian Green]

Sweating to the oldies and people. He just knew how to talk to people. Right. And he had this kind of affectionate, empathetic, weird, positive, but positive vibe about him. And I always thought Richard Simmons was an. I always liked him. I was like, oh, yeah, he's a. He seems like a good guy, right? He just seems like a good.

[Chrissy]

Yeah. I don't think there was anybody that, like, was like, that guy's a dick.

[Brian Green]

I'm sure there's someone out there that says Richard Simmons a dick, but I think that guy's a dick. I think there's a. I think there's a double dicking going on there. No pun intended. There's a double dicking going on with Richard Simmons. If you say he's a dick, you're a dick. You know what I'm saying? It's hard to dislike Richard Simmons anyway.

[Chrissy]

Pauly Shore, he was very bon homie, by the way.

[Brian Green]

He was very bon homie, homie. Hey, homie.

[Kristen Joy]

That's bon homie.

[Brian Green]

He's a nice guy. And so now he said, please don't do this. I'm not interested in it. And I just want to live my life out in peace. And so now this might be getting derailed because people are like, well, are people really going to go see the movie that Richard Simmons told them not to? Because most of the people this might appeal to are Richard Simmons fans. And if Richard Simmons fans say we don't want to see it, or if Richard Simmons himself says we don't want to see it, are the fans going to go along with Richard and not see the film?

[Chrissy]

They're going to watch it.

[Brian Green]

They're going to watch it. Of course they are. But they're not going to watch until it comes out on their favorite. Exactly. They're not going to pay to go into the movie theater, but they will watch it because they have already paid for it with some kind of streaming subscription. I. I just think these guys makes. It's such a weird story to me that Paulie Shore, this kind of, you know. Okay. I don't even think it's Polishore either. Did I tell you the story about Pauly Shore when I was a teenager?

[Chrissy]

I think you did, but it was a long time ago.

[Brian Green]

So when I was a teenager, not even teenager. Like 12. Yeah. Okay. 12 or 13 years old when I was just. Just a teenager. Freshman teenager. Yeah. Pre teen. A little pre pube. A little prepube boy. When I was a prepute boy, I had this friend. His mother controlled the. She was the manager of a small theater here in Atlanta that used to be called Center Stage Theater.

[Chrissy]

Yes.

[Brian Green]

And so we always thought that was the coolest job in the world. You get to work with bands and Comedians and, you know, they did a lot of stage plays back then and stuff like that, but we always thought his mom had the coolest job. Well, turns out Pauly Shore was just coming into his own at the MTV that now era. Yeah. Now called Rob Dear Decks mtv. He was just coming into his own, doing the weasel thing, being a popular VJ on mtv. And Pauly Shore is going to come to Atlanta. He's going to come to center stage. And his mother, my friend's mother, said, okay, here's the deal. You boys can come to work with me that night. I will get you into the show. You will behave yourselves. You will not make a fool of me, but you will be able to go do what you want to do. And we had the run with the run of the place. Really cool. Yeah, very cool. And she was so sweet with us. And she did the box office thing or the management thing or whatever she was doing. And. And my friend and I, we just kind of ran around Center Stage for a couple hours beforehand, and then. And then an hour or two after, we had both just started smoking cigarettes. Right. We are just like immature little kids that are sneaking off smoking cigarettes at the time. And so I'll never forget. And I don't even think the guy smokes, but for some reason, we ended up meeting Pauly Shore back in the backstage area. And Paulie Shore asked my friend for a cigarette if he had a cigarette. And Paulie Shore gave him a cigarette. I can't remember if he asked me or asked my friend. The story is a little diluted in my head, but he asked for a cigarette. Someone gave him a cigarette, and then he took that cigarette on stage. But I don't know if he ever lit it like he was. He lit the cigarette. Kind of a prop kind of thing, right? But he had that cigarette in his hand, and we all thought that was just so cool with our cigarette.

[Chrissy]

He's using our cigarettes. We bought illegally.

[Doug]

Yeah.

[Connie]

Here's our cigarettes at any gas station.

[Brian Green]

In Atlanta would sell anybody at the time.

[Kristen Joy]

I mean, you didn't have to have ID.

[Brian Green]

I have to have an ID to drop off my recycling.

[Kristen Joy]

But I was 13, and I looked.

[Brian Green]

Like I was 11. And except for all the hair on my legs, I looked like I was 11. And I could walk into any gas station in Atlanta and buy a pack of cigarettes. No questions asked. None. And it was. You had to be 18 to buy cigarettes. But new. Not in Atlanta. You just bought cigarettes when you want to buy cigarettes.

[Chrissy]

It basically was that way. And remember the cigarette machines. I saw those movie or show the other day, Waffle House, and I was like, whoa, I remember those machines.

[Brian Green]

I remember them too, because that's where we get a lot of our cigarettes would be from the Waffle House cigarette machine. You think the guy at Waffle House wanted drama?

[Kristen Joy]

No.

[Brian Green]

He's like, that's another $4 in my pocket. Like, I don't give a. Go ahead, knock yourself out. And at the time I started to smoke a cigarettes, like $2 a pack, it was nothing. Nothing to buy a cigarette. I'm dating myself now. But anyway, if. As if I haven't. The entire podcast, the entire podcast is like a graveyard of old stories. But Paulie had that cigarette, took that cigarette. I thought it was cool. I remember him being very nice. I remember him taking the time to talk to us, even though we were just a bunch of kids. I remember. I think I told him I loved the Weasel and he did the Weasel or whatever. And then he went on stage to a very empty audience, to a very empty theater and did an hour of whatever he did. And I remember that. I don't remember one joke, not one laugh, not one thing that Paulie said. I'm not saying he wasn't funny. I'm saying that particular night, I don't remember anything funny about it except for the fact that there was a cigarette that was taken from somebody at the.

[Chrissy]

Stars were in your eyes. Well, you could think.

[Brian Green]

That's all I could think of. I was just so crazed that I had just met my favorite VJ dj, whatever they call him on. On mtv. So now I'm finding it extra strange. I guess maybe my perspective is coloring my opinion about this, but I'm finding it very strange that. That Paulie wants to play Richard Simmons as, like, his acting comeback. Do we not think if Paulie Shore had some acting chops somewhere down deep down, that he would have already shown us those acting chops in some way, shape or form?

[Chrissy]

Maybe he's wanting to get serious now.

[Brian Green]

He's like that Paul Reubens, you know, he was Peewee Herman. Then he whacked off in a theater, poor bastard, like every. Every other guy in the theater was doing, except it was Paul Reuben, so they arrested him. And then he takes. He makes that turn and blow, which is such a fantastic movie. He's so good in that movie. And then you're like, oh, Paul Reubens has some acting chops. Like, let's get that guy in more movies, right? I want him. I want to see him do more stuff. But no, he didn't. He just did blow. That was it. But I think if Paulie had this in him, he may have done it before. And I'm not sure why Richard Simmons biopic is the right answer to his acting woes. I'm just. It's so strange to me.

[Chrissy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

And so I, for one, will not pay at the movie theater to see the Richard Simmons biopic by Pauly Shore. But I will watch it when it comes out on streaming, and I will tell you what it's all about if.

[Kristen Joy]

It ever makes it happen.

[Chrissy]

I concur.

[Brian Green]

Now I'm kind of rooting for it to happen. Yeah. Just so we can watch. What a shit show. Indeed Pauly Shore will be as Richard Simmons. Because they're saying it's supposed to be, like, a very moody take on Richard Simmons life. Like, not a comedy. Not a. Like a hairball, zany comedy, which you could see working for Richard Simmons life also. But, like, this moody, affected script that they're trying to put together.

[Chrissy]

I wonder if it would be kind of be based on the podcast type thing that was done. I don't know. You know, they're turning a lot of show. I notice now that on Netflix, there's a lot of shows that I listened to on a podcast, and now they're a show.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, ours is.

[Chrissy]

Ours is.

[Brian Green]

It's next in line. I would just have a big meeting about it. The other day they were like, do you think you could put 10 seats in a theater? And I was like, I think. Think if you invite my kids, we can put 20 seats in the theater. Jeff, Rachel, Allison. I'm pretty sure we can fill 10 seats. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Kristen Joy]

18 and over.

[Brian Green]

Or all ages.

[Kristen Joy]

Because if it's all ages, I got it covered.

[Brian Green]

I got, like, 30 seats covered.

[Kristen Joy]

But if you want to do 18 and over, five, seven.

[Brian Green]

Do you have a small bar? We could play. Do you have a tiki hut? You have a tiki hut? We can play in someone's backyard.

[Kristen Joy]

I think that'd be the best thing.

[Brian Green]

For the commercial break.

[Chrissy]

You just have a really large booth. I know, in the back of an outback.

[Brian Green]

I think we do a conference. Like a. You remember when I went to the, like, the podcast conference and the wood flooring conference was right next door? I say we play the wood flooring conference. I think that's our vibe. I think that's our vibe. I think that's our audience.

[Kristen Joy]

Now. Live at the wood flooring show Expo of America. It's the commercial break. Hey, I don't want to be stupid, but who's gonna get laid? Who's laying some wood tonight? You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, that's right, sir.

[Brian Green]

This is the funeral conference.

[Kristen Joy]

Oh, well, whatever. Roll with it. Am I killing tonight or what?

[Brian Green]

That's good.

[Kristen Joy]

I'm gonna have you rolling in your grave. Oh, you already are. It's Hambone and Hoadley in the Morning.

[Brian Green]

Hambone and Hoadley.

[Chrissy]

I forgot about Hambone.

[Kristen Joy]

I still want to do Hambone and Hoadly. I swear to God, we do a live show.

[Brian Green]

Hambone and Hoadley is going to be a skit. Yes, we're doing a skit called Hambone and Ho in the Morning.

[Chrissy]

I got you, boss.

[Kristen Joy]

I got you, boss. No problem, boss. Hambone and Hoadie in the Morning.

[Brian Green]

Drive time with Hambone and Hoadley.

[Kristen Joy]

Let's check the weather and the traffic at the top of the hour. The bottom of the hour in quarter two.

[Chrissy]

Next up, Bare Naked Ladies.

[Kristen Joy]

Next up, we got Bare Naked Ladies in stud. Uh oh, the fire alarm's going off. It's hot in here. It's Bare Naked Ladies. You may remember them from such hits as that one hit Chickity Chick until it stop not licking. I take a dick and I keep. Stop licking. Oh, Hambone.

[Brian Green]

Good old Hambone.

[Kristen Joy]

I don't know, I think that Hambone's.

[Brian Green]

A little bit of a loose cannon. Gotta keep a tight lid on Hambone.

[Kristen Joy]

The audience loves them. Here in the greater Macon area.

[Chrissy]

We'Re picking the Everglades too.

[Brian Green]

Great.

[Kristen Joy]

In the greater Tucumcari, New Mexico area.

[Brian Green]

Hambone is killing it. We gotta keep.

[Kristen Joy]

He's a loose cannon. He's walking a fine line. He's like Matt Rife. We gotta keep him in line. He's hot, he's sexy, he talks a lot of shit, that Hambo. We're gonna start you off in two cum carry and then we're gonna roll.

[Brian Green]

Out to all the cities under 7.

[Kristen Joy]

000 people in America. You're gonna be famous with the corn growers. All right, let's take a break and we'll be back.

[Brian Green]

I got a good one for you today. You're gonna want to stick around for this, okay?

[Podcast Announcer]

Sorry to interrupt, but that's kind of my thing these days. If you're sick of me interrupting, Brian, give us a call at 626-ASKTCB-3. Leave us a voicemail and maybe I'll interrupt you on the show instead. You'd love that, wouldn't ya? You can also text us at 855-tcb8383 and check out our website, tcbpodcast.com for all things TCB. You know what's coming next. Follow us on Instagram hecommercial break and on TikTok CBpodcast. And now let's listen to some sponsors because they're the real ones around here.

[Sponsor Voice]

This episode is sponsored in part by Magic Spoon. Okay, if you've listened to any amount of the commercial break, then you know one of my disgusting food habits is to eat sugary cereals with cream late at night. Well, the earth just turned one year older and I've decided to do away with the empty calories and added sugars. The good news for my bad cereal habit, I have Magic Spoon. Magic Spoon recreates all the flavors that we loved as children without all the baggage that goes in our bellies. It has all the flavors you love, but it's high in protein and it has less sugar. Astrid and I just bought a variety pack that has four flavors. Cocoa, fruity, frosted and peanut butter. This pack has 0 grams of sugar, 13 to 14 grams of protein and 4, 4 to 5 grams of net carbs. It's only 140 calories per serving. It's high protein, has 0 grams of sugar, keto friendly, gluten free, grain free and soy free. And I get the taste of my.

[Brian Green]

Favorite cereal without all the guilt.

[Sponsor Voice]

Magic Spoon is returning to the commercial break as a sponsor and we're so happy that they're offering you a discount. Go to magicspoon.com tcb to grab a variety pack and try it today. And be sure to use our promo code TCB at checkout to see save $5 off your order. And Magic Spoon is so confident in their product, it's backed with a 100% happiness guarantee. So if you don't like it for any reason, they'll refund your money.

[Brian Green]

Absolutely.

[Sponsor Voice]

No questions asked. Remember to start the near off right with a delicious bowl of high protein [e-mail] tcb and be sure to use the promo code tcb to save $5 off. That's magicspoon.com tcb and use the code tcb to save $5 Off. Thank you, Magic Spoon for being a sponsor of the commercial break and giving me something to look forward to late night after I get out of the studio.

[Brian Green]

All right, I want you to tell me if you remember a television show back in the mid to late 90s called Family First. It was a sitcom and I wonder if you Remember them? Does a name sound familiar to you?

[Chrissy]

No. Family Matters. I remember that.

[Brian Green]

Of course. Everyone remembers.

[Chrissy]

Yeah, but I don't know that I.

[Brian Green]

Remember Family First, Urkel and the guy from Die Hard. That's what I remember. The dad was the guy from Die Hard and Urkel and those two. That's just a winning combination from the beginning. Who didn't like a little Urkel coming in?

[Chrissy]

Excuse me.

[Brian Green]

Excuse me.

[Kristen Joy]

I do like your daughter.

[Brian Green]

I can't say the commercial break is all that much better. I did like Family Matters, actually. It was just young enough to get. I was just young enough to get into it. No, we're not talking about the famous show Family Matters, which everybody who grew up at that time watched. I'm talking about Family First. Now, I don't know where this television show ran, but when I look at this on YouTube, there are so many people that comment. I couldn't remember the name, but I used to watch the show on Saturday mornings, blah, blah, blah, yada. And I just am like, I don't even remember ever seeing this.

[Chrissy]

Well, you weren't usually awake on Saturday mornings, though.

[Brian Green]

No, certainly not as I. No, no, probably not. No. I, like, I was a late sleeper from the beginning. Yeah. Even at, like, 8 years old, my dad said I could sail past 9:30. Right. Everybody was up doing stuff, and I was still in the bed. I think it's just my nature to get lots of sleep. I'm a very sleepy person off air. I spend all my energy here, and then I go take a nap for, you know, 12 to 13 hours. I wake up again. I do it exactly.

[Kristen Joy]

Cares about the kids.

[Brian Green]

I need my vest, babe. I'm a man of a certain age. If you want me to perform like the, you know, clowning monkey I am, then I got to get my bed rest. You think I look this good with no sleep? No. Of course, Family first was a sitcom that is a Christian sitcom.

[Chrissy]

Wow.

[Brian Green]

Yes. That's probably why I didn't get into it. Even at an early age.

[Chrissy]

I was like, there's some organization now, too, called Family First.

[Brian Green]

I think there is. And I think maybe it. Maybe it has something to do with it. I'm not sure. I didn't do that much digging because I don't ever, God forbid I get something right on this show. But I did find Family First. There are, like, I think, like seven to ten episodes of this. I swear to God, this could be content. We could chew on for the rest of our existence as the commercial break if we just kind of roll it out in measure because these episodes are so terribly bad, so terribly awful, so just crazy. The plot lines are so crazy that I have a hard time understanding how anybody at any network or production house ever gave this the green light. And how anybody actually managed to see this outside of a church organization is beyond me. But it does exist. It is out there. The episodes are out there. They're kind of diced up in. Into bits and pieces because I guess that's how you have to do it when you do it on YouTube. I guess you have to do less than 15 minutes of someone else's material. I don't know. I don't know what the rules are because I don't pay attention to the rules.

[Chrissy]

And that's why half of our episodes on there.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, that's why half of our episodes are shadow banned. Because every Theresa Caputo, every mountain monsters, every ghost hunters, everything, it all gets knocked down five pegs. But anyway, we will continue. We will fight the man.

[Kristen Joy]

Whatever, man.

[Chrissy]

Fight the good fight.

[Kristen Joy]

Yeah, whatever, man.

[Brian Green]

Okay, dude. Fight the good fight. Against YouTube, against Google.

[Chrissy]

Alphabet.

[Brian Green]

That's right, against Alphabet. ABC or whatever they're called these days. The whole European Union just took them on and lost. But the commercial break. We're gonna win our fight, don't you worry. You could probably Google our podcast after this episode and it won't be anywhere to be found. That's another story for a different day. All right, so you want to take a look at an episode of Family First?

[Chrissy]

Of course I do.

[Brian Green]

Okay. It's hard to get through some of this bad comedy, but hopefully Chrissy and I will relieve the bad comedy with some good comedy. I'm hoping. But here we go. I was strolling on the Internet, as.

[Kristen Joy]

You do, as I do like to.

[Brian Green]

Do, and I stumbled upon Family first, the Christian sitcom that apparently played sometime in the era, you know, mid to late 90s. But here it is equipped with a bad 90s opening montage and everything. Like, this is. This is the real deal. All right, here we go. Oh, yeah, you know, the bad song gives it away. 90s and yeah, you just answered a payphone. So this is like the opening montage that every 90s sitcom had. It was like this three minute long opening montage that told you what show you were watching. Nowadays, they just go right into it. You don't even see, you don't even know what show you're watching unless you look at the guide.

[Kristen Joy]

Family First.

[Chrissy]

So just to preface it too, there was a man running, running around with, in a suit With a briefcase up and down the street for some weird.

[Brian Green]

He was, he was late to a meeting. Chris.

[Chrissy]

He was late too, but he stopped to pick up the payphone.

[Brian Green]

He did. We had to let people know he was going to be late.

[Chrissy]

And then there were two women at a mall shopping, shopping, running around. They both found something and, and, and butted heads. Yeah, but heads. I was gonna say that, but yeah. And then there's some kids, the crazy kids that are coming out of the school like the bell just wrong.

[Kristen Joy]

Yeah, they're jumping and running out. Sc forever. I gotta go to the chapel.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, there's a typical comedy sitcom, your nuclear family. All white, of course.

[Chrissy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

So. Okay, let's go. Featuring John Witty, who went on to do many other things.

[Kristen Joy]

What other things did he do, Chrissy?

[Brian Green]

I can't remember.

[Chrissy]

I, I, I don't know.

[Brian Green]

All right. Oh, and Vi and Viccio. Witty.

[Chrissy]

Viccio Witty.

[Kristen Joy]

So they must be, they must be.

[Brian Green]

Actual wife and husband in real life. Interesting.

[Chrissy]

There's Polly Shore.

[Brian Green]

It's Blaine Bartel. I actually think Blaine Bartel did like some like raunchy sex comedies if I'm not mistaken. Maybe, maybe not. I like how he's got the pride flag behind it.

[Chrissy]

He does. Yeah. And a good jean jacket.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Like in the 90s it wasn't a pride flag. No rainbow flag. Kathy Bartel. This. Are these all family members? I didn't even notice this when I watched this.

[Chrissy]

So it's real? Maybe. Real husband and wife and real sister and brother.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, I'm assuming maybe that's it. You know, here's another thing. Some, a lot of people claim that they saw this back in the 90s, but when I first watched it, I thought it was a parody. I thought that this was joke.

[Chrissy]

Look like a joke.

[Brian Green]

It does, but like a Saturday Night Live joke.

[Chrissy]

Oh, the only one that's not related is Chris Thesis. He looked like he was playing a ranger of some sort.

[Brian Green]

Ranger. It says Chris Thesis as Charles Stanley. As if anybody gave a who he played. Oh, sponsored by American Airlines.

[Kristen Joy]

There you go.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Why did they just put a plane in there? Why was a plane at the end of that?

[Chrissy]

Oh, wait, no, it's cuz, look, he's.

[Brian Green]

Coming in with, he's coming in with the luggage.

[Kristen Joy]

Okay.

[Chrissy]

I probably the dash just got home from a business trip. Yeah, he was out at the wood convention.

[Brian Green]

Convention. Hold on. Can I just share with you just for a minute that the family first television show. Oh, it's actually got quite a number of episodes. It's got like 37. Nope. That's a different show altogether. Oh, here it is. No, I'll find no whammies.

[Chrissy]

No whammies.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, no whammies. There is, like, no information on this show out there. Very interesting. Doug's home.

[Brother Doug]

Hey, mom.

[Connie]

Good to see you.

[Son Doug]

Hey, Connie.

[Brian Green]

How's your trip to China?

[Eunice Stanley]

Doug, you wouldn't believe the things that happened.

[Son Doug]

Yeah, you wouldn't believe what happened on our trip. It was awesome. Wow. American food.

[Kristen Joy]

Thank you. Wow. I'm gonna be totally racist and say American food. Oh, my God.

[Chrissy]

How's your trip to China?

[Kristen Joy]

They go on missions. That's where they're coming back from, Miss.

[Brian Green]

Yes.

[Eunice Stanley]

Well, go ahead and eat mine. Well, tell us about your trip, Doug.

[Son Doug]

Well, the first day.

[Eunice Stanley]

Son, don't eat with your mouth full. How many people got saved?

[Son Doug]

50 people, first day.

[Brian Green]

He said there were at least 50.

[Eunice Stanley]

People saved the first day.

[Chrissy]

Oh, my God. He's killing it.

[Brian Green]

This is such great acting. By the way, though this is referred to as family first. The actual name of the show was AKA Fire by Night. Fire by night.

[Chrissy]

Fire by Night.

[Brian Green]

A little bit of a weird. It was produced in Oklahoma through 1986 through 1993. Geez, there's a lot of episodes of this, Chrissy.

[Chrissy]

Is there?

[Brian Green]

Yes. This is. We are now called Fire by Night. Yes.

[Chrissy]

Not as many episodes as us.

[Brian Green]

What's that?

[Chrissy]

Not as many episodes as us.

[Brian Green]

I can't think of a television show that's even close to having as many episodes of us. Except for maybe the Tonight Show. Maybe. You saw a bird?

[Chrissy]

No.

[Eunice Stanley]

Big Bird?

[Doug]

No.

[Eunice Stanley]

You saw Big bird in Costa Rica?

[Son Doug]

No.

[Brian Green]

Well, no. She was in China. The sister was in China. He went to Costa Rica. They went on mission trips. Now he's back home eating fried chicken. And mom's just way too excited about all that.

[Chrissy]

Very excited.

[Kristen Joy]

You saw Big Bird.

[Son Doug]

Street drama.

[Eunice Stanley]

Oh, well, let me see you do your chicken.

[Doug]

Honey, Doug doesn't want to do his chicken for us now.

[Podcast Announcer]

He's.

[Doug]

He wants to eat his chicken.

[Eunice Stanley]

Come on. I want to see your chicken, Doug.

[Kristen Joy]

Show me your chicken now. Honey, you better shut your pie hole before I come over there and smack that words right out of your mouth. I said my son is eating chicken. He just got back from Costa Rica.

[Chrissy]

What is the chicken?

[Kristen Joy]

It's fried chicken.

[Chrissy]

Now I know. What, Is there a chicken dance?

[Brian Green]

Oh, yeah.

[Kristen Joy]

He did chicken dance in coast I.

[Brian Green]

R. For the natives. Yes, they do.

[Kristen Joy]

You ever been to Costa Rica?

[Brother Doug]

Yeah.

[Chrissy]

Yes.

[Kristen Joy]

Yes, you have.

[Chrissy]

We have been.

[Kristen Joy]

You did the chicken dance, too.

[Chrissy]

I might have Done to five police.

[Kristen Joy]

Officers down the street.

[Brother Doug]

Don't do that to your sister.

[Doug]

You want me to give you a bare bottom spanking?

[Son Doug]

No, no, no.

[Kristen Joy]

By the way, the sun in this.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Wow. Listen, things are different.

[Chrissy]

Not just a spanking. Bare bottom.

[Brian Green]

Bare bottom spanking. Wow. I hope this takes a turn the way I hope it takes. I hope everything gets weird real quick.

[Chrissy]

But I just got the brother and sister about to have sex, and this is on pornhub Action.

[Brian Green]

I'm pretty sure that the brother and sister. Yes, they have done. They did a follow up to Fire by Night. Calling Fire by Holding me. That's right. Called Fire by Nut. You know, you gotta find work somewhere. Hollywood's a weird place. You know what I'm saying? And I just gotta point out that the children in this television show Look 62. They don't look like children at all.

[Chrissy]

We've just. We've talked about that before, too, with the Love Connection.

[Kristen Joy]

Look at that guy.

[Chrissy]

23, divorced, and then they look like they're.

[Sponsor Voice]

They're 56.

[Brian Green]

Yes.

[Doug]

Get out there and do your chicken for your mother.

[Son Doug]

Okay.

[Chrissy]

Do it everywhere.

[Son Doug]

All these people.

[Chrissy]

You're getting a bare bottom? Yeah, bare bottom.

[Kristen Joy]

Do you want a prostate exam? Do you want a bare bottom prostate exam from your father with his special Fire by not stick? I didn't think so.

[Son Doug]

I come out, I go.

[Brian Green]

Is that mother smoking crack? Why is she so excited about everything?

[Kristen Joy]

I know you did the chicken. You know, when I came home from a trip in my house, I don't even think anybody noticed I was there.

[Chrissy]

For like, three days or that you were gone.

[Brian Green]

Yeah.

[Kristen Joy]

Is Brian home?

[Brian Green]

Cause his room's starting to smell like incense and patchouli.

[Chrissy]

It's back.

[Kristen Joy]

Ah, Brian's back. Patchouli.

[Brian Green]

Patchouli smell. I'm assuming he's okay and people got saved.

[Son Doug]

Oh, yeah. After we do the chicken, then we preach.

[Doug]

You preached?

[Son Doug]

Yeah, I mean, you know, I preached.

[Kristen Joy]

After I did the chicken, Dad, I.

[Brian Green]

Went down and I preached. Wait, you preached? Did you didn't tell them about anything.

[Chrissy]

That's really bad.

[Brian Green]

It's two horses.

[Chrissy]

It's like carousel horses.

[Brian Green]

Mom. My mom sold that to him. From country peddler.

[Chrissy]

Yes. The whole house looks like it's done in country.

[Brian Green]

That's right. Look at that, Daddy. So intense. You preached. You didn't tell him about any of our secrets, did you?

[Chrissy]

Here are things we do at night.

[Brian Green]

That's right. You're gonna get a bare bottom spanking to remember.

[Son Doug]

We all preached. Listen, dad, could you give me A little bit of space.

[Chrissy]

I was about to say, the dad's very close.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, well, that's how it went back in the 90s. Your dad would kiss you on the lips, little tongue. No one was bothered by it. Nirvana was out. They were just trying to keep their kids close.

[Son Doug]

I gotta tell you guys something. Listen to me. Dad, Mom, Connie, you are looking at a young man who has been called full time into the mission field. That's right.

[Kristen Joy]

I told you. Told you he was gonna come back and give me some idiotic mission field bullshit. Well, there goes the family dry cleaning business. What are we gonna do now?

[Brian Green]

But Mom's gonna be excited, I guarantee.

[Son Doug]

I answered. He said, go. I said, where? He said, to the world. I said, whoa, the world.

[Eunice Stanley]

So you definitely feel called to the mission field.

[Son Doug]

You're definitely my mother, aren't you? Did I get any?

[Kristen Joy]

Are you?

[Brian Green]

Are you?

[Chrissy]

I don't know. Ancestry hasn't come out yet.

[Brian Green]

That's right.

[Kristen Joy]

In real life, you are my mother.

[Brian Green]

Because this is a weird family show where we're all producing each other. And by the way, when they. When the lady says a line like this. Let me just run back to the line. I want to show you what great acting this is. Watch how the director directs her. But the right emphasis on the right word.

[Son Doug]

Definitely my mother, aren't you.

[Brian Green]

Oh, wait, hold on. Let me. Let me just. I want to just critique this acting here for a second because I think it's so good. Sorry.

[Eunice Stanley]

You definitely feel called to the mission field.

[Kristen Joy]

Zena.

[Brian Green]

Notice how she put the emphasis on the word called for no reason in particular.

[Kristen Joy]

You definitely want to feel called to the mission field.

[Son Doug]

You're definitely my mother, aren't you? Did I get any mail?

[Brother Doug]

Well. Oh, yes.

[Brian Green]

Thank you.

[Chrissy]

Did my playboy come.

[Kristen Joy]

You've got mail. Did my penthouse show up? I gotta go rub a couple out. It's hard to do in that chicken suit.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, it's hard to do in that.

[Kristen Joy]

Chicken suit down in Costa Rica.

[Son Doug]

One letter. I was gone a month.

[Eunice Stanley]

The rest are mine.

[Son Doug]

Okay, well, I'll go read all my mail.

[Kristen Joy]

Gonna go rub one out. He hasn't been home five minutes.

[Brian Green]

He's eating a bucket of chicken, shoved.

[Chrissy]

Chicken on his face, did a chicken dance.

[Brian Green]

He did a chicken dance for his.

[Chrissy]

Almost got a bare bottom spanking.

[Brian Green]

Came close. I wish that had happened. And now he's going upstairs to.

[Chrissy]

That's right. With this one letter.

[Brian Green]

That's right.

[Eunice Stanley]

Doug, do your. Do your ch for me.

[Brian Green]

Come on. Okay, I'll do it up the same.

[Son Doug]

You Ready?

[Chrissy]

Oh my God.

[Brian Green]

Wow, the Raiders really went the extra mile on this one.

[Kristen Joy]

They're like, we'll do the chicken dance right up front. But then we'll close with the chicken dance too.

[Brian Green]

Do it.

[Chrissy]

Good.

[Kristen Joy]

We're going to make. They'll be rolling.

[Chrissy]

Hilarious.

[Kristen Joy]

Yes. We're going to beat that.

[Brian Green]

Cheers.

[Kristen Joy]

There goes our chicken.

[Brother Doug]

I mean our boy.

[Doug]

Call to the mission field.

[Eunice Stanley]

He is gonna be a chickenary.

[Brian Green]

Oh Chrissy, the writing on this is just atrocious. And I can only imagine that it's the actresses and actors who wrote this. Like this couple, right?

[Chrissy]

Chickenary.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, the chickenary. That's mission and chickenary put together. Missionary and chicken put together. In case you're with chickenary. Aviary.

[Son Doug]

Who wrote me Mayonnaid Agricultural and fine arts community college. Dear Mr. Collins, we are extremely interested in you playing basketball at our institution. Our recruiter has followed your progress on the court and we feel that you have the potential to meet our needs.

[Brian Green]

Sounds like it. Yeah.

[Chrissy]

That's a college letter.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. He's in high school. He's a senior in high school. Potential studies. That was the word that tripped him up. Yeah, that one gets me sometimes too.

[Son Doug]

Point guard. A full scholarship is what we are looking for. Our graduates can be found around the world. Please contact me at my office. I look forward to meeting you.

[Chrissy]

Our graduates can be found around the world.

[Brian Green]

Yeah.

[Kristen Joy]

Wow.

[Brian Green]

Congratulations on that.

[Kristen Joy]

Well, I was going to go to Harvard, but my new community college and gardening center you got me with my.

[Brian Green]

Graduates are all around the world.

[Son Doug]

Emerson, Roy, Coach, Finot, Agriculture and community.

[Brian Green]

This is great scholarship.

[Chrissy]

Uh oh, I see where this is going.

[Brian Green]

Oh yeah, you see where this is going? It's between the Lord and bastard. That liberal arts college where they're going to teach you all about Cabbage patch dolls and people and bare bottom things that we don't talk about here but we might do on occasion.

[Connie]

Dad, I'm home for my mission Christmas trip.

[Brian Green]

A whole new family now. Keep up with it, Chris.

[Chrissy]

I like that globe.

[Brian Green]

It's complicated. Yeah, that's. Everybody had one of those globes by the way. The kind of globe that huge. Huge and sits in a four legged contraption in the middle and the kids would spin it endlessly and the parents would tell you not to spin it. And then I would say what is a globe for if you can't spin it? And then they would get upset because you touched the nice globe as opposed to the bad globe. Not sure. It's a conspiracy by the globe makers.

[Connie]

Dad, dad, you're not Hiding behind the couch, are you, dad?

[Son Doug]

No.

[Connie]

Maybe I'll try the answering machine.

[Brian Green]

Well, that guy looks like he's from that. What's that band? That country band?

[Kristen Joy]

Life is a highway I want to.

[Brian Green]

Ride it all night long.

[Kristen Joy]

Remember that band?

[Chrissy]

Yeah, the country band. Yeah, I remember the song.

[Brian Green]

Okay, I can't remember the name of the band, but, you know, not Drive.

[Chrissy]

By Roxy or somebody.

[Brian Green]

Roxy? No, no, they did the remake of it. Roxette? No, no. Rock set.

[Brother Doug]

Dad. Dad, where are you?

[Brian Green]

It's your son. I've got a brother.

[Connie]

Look, I thought you were gonna pick.

[Brother Doug]

Me up at the airport.

[Connie]

I need a ride home.

[Chrissy]

He didn't recognize his own.

[Brian Green]

He didn't recognize his own voice. Hard to tell with those old tape recorders. I'm telling you what, Chrissy, I can't think of how many times I came in, had left myself a message, and.

[Kristen Joy]

Then was like, I got a brother. A twin. Oh, I actually do. Oh, okay, well.

[Brian Green]

And I also can't think of how many times my dad was hiding behind the couch when I came home.

[Chrissy]

You know, that's the way.

[Brian Green]

That's right.

[Connie]

Take a cab.

[Brian Green]

I still got your Visa. Okay, bye.

[Connie]

I sound so different on the phone.

[Brother Doug]

Clarence, are you there? Dad, over here. I'm on the machine.

[Connie]

Don't break it.

[Brother Doug]

Dad, don't be smart.

[Connie]

Okay, I won't.

[Brother Doug]

I'll be home in an hour.

[Brian Green]

Damn. This, like, weird, trippy thing going on here where he's talking to the machine and getting the right answers. Yes.

[Connie]

How much I want to tell ya.

[Brother Doug]

Save it till I get home, son. Okay, bye.

[Brian Green]

Bye.

[Eunice Stanley]

Claude Eugene Stanley, this is your almost ex wife, Eunice Stanley, you remember me.

[Brian Green]

Mom, you need to have your lawyer.

[Brother Doug]

Call my lawyer about the court date.

[Eunice Stanley]

And your intentions concerning alimony after.

[Chrissy]

Mommy, I love you.

[Kristen Joy]

Yeah. Don't leave me, Mommy. Don't leave me. I'm 47. I'm 47. I just touched the good globe and Daddy's gonna spank my bare bottom again. This is Eunice Taylor. Do you remember me? No.

[Chrissy]

My almost ex wife.

[Brian Green]

I have a hard time keeping up with Mal. My almost ex wife is. That's why.

[Eunice Stanley]

Oh, by the way, the phone number.

[Brian Green]

At my brand new apartment is 555-55-5555.

[Chrissy]

Mom's got a brand new apartment.

[Brian Green]

That's right.

[Kristen Joy]

Mom's got a brand new apartment.

[Chrissy]

Just got the shock of his life.

[Kristen Joy]

This show is so terribly constructed. You could literally pick any other television.

[Brian Green]

Show in the world and get more laughs out of what's going on here. But but we will continue. Just give us a break. We gotta take a break from this for a second and then we'll be back. Ugh.

[Podcast Announcer]

Finally. I feel like I was waiting forever for my turn to talk. Now that I have you. Go to tcbpodcast.com to find all of our audio and video content and follow us on Instagram at the commercial break and on TikTok @TCB podcast. Want it to be your turn to talk? Call us and spill the tea at 626-ASKTCB-3 and you may hear your voice on the show. You can also text us your tea at 855-TCB8383. And boy, do we love to hear it. Anyway, take a listen to our sponsors and let's get back to the show.

[Brian Green]

All right, we're watching the quote unquote Christian variety show named Fire by Night. For some reason, it's called family first on YouTube. The screen.

[Chrissy]

Yeah, it just pulled up.

[Brian Green]

I know. Isn't that right? That's what it said on the intro, right? I don't know why they're calling it Fire by Night.

[Chrissy]

Fly by Night.

[Brian Green]

Fly by Night. Exactly. Oh, there's like Fire by Night. Subscription base has had gone from 300 members when it started to more than 4, 500 members to watch this show. You got to be kidding me. That's crazy.

[Chrissy]

This was the original subscription stream.

[Brian Green]

Oh, and there are. Yeah, I guess there are a number of episodes. A number.

[Chrissy]

There are specific.

[Brian Green]

Holy shit. Chrissy. There are 94 episodes of this show. Oh, my God.

[Chrissy]

They tackled a new thing each week, I guess.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, I think this is one of the first ones. Yeah, they. They tackle a new mission driven. They tackle more hypocrisy every single week. All right, so we're watching this family first slash, Fire by Night. Whatever you want to call it, we're watching it.

[Brother Doug]

It.

[Brian Green]

It is one of the most poorly constructed sitcoms of all times. And this actually played on networks. Not sure which network it played on. Probably some Christian network, but here you.

[Connie]

Go about the missions trip.

[Chrissy]

He's calling his mom.

[Kristen Joy]

Hello?

[Brian Green]

Who is it?

[Kristen Joy]

Hello? Is this the bastard son of my new lover?

[Brian Green]

Hello? Hello?

[Chrissy]

Because that's the way you answer the phone.

[Kristen Joy]

Hello? Who is that? The 90s were a tough time.

[Brian Green]

You never knew when one of those.

[Kristen Joy]

Long haired hippies might be calling you or one of them their grunges. Are you a grunge?

[Chrissy]

He does have a flannel.

[Brother Doug]

Tell me your name.

[Kristen Joy]

I'm reporting you to the authorities.

[Brian Green]

I love.

[Chrissy]

He's wearing the Flannel shirt with a sweater vest.

[Brian Green]

It looks like a greeter at Sam's club. Greet her at Sam's club.

[Chrissy]

Yeah.

[Brother Doug]

Anybody there?

[Brian Green]

Hello?

[Kristen Joy]

Please answer, please answer, please answer. I'm in terrible trouble. Thank God you called. Eunice Janice Taylor, future, possibly ex wife of Claude's father. It's got me tied up, two broken legs. Oh, wait, that's misery. I'm sorry.

[Brian Green]

Check this out, check it out.

[Eunice Stanley]

What?

[Brian Green]

Oh, we're back to the first family now. You know, this is going in the chickens. There's a timeline here we're trying to keep up with.

[Chrissy]

What is it?

[Son Doug]

Oh, I don't know. Maybe a basketball scholarship for Douglas Collins.

[Chrissy]

I don't think there was a scholarship involved. He said just we might be interested.

[Brian Green]

Well, what it said was, we're looking for a full scholarship. And so when I initially heard this, when I listened to this, when I watched this, at first I was like, are colleges usually looking for a scholarship or are they looking to give you a scholarship?

[Kristen Joy]

Because this sounds like we're looking for.

[Chrissy]

The money for a scholarship.

[Kristen Joy]

We just need the money up front. Then we're going to give you a full scholarship.

[Brian Green]

We calculated about $112,000 to complete your courses here. And so you don't have to go to your courses, but we need the.

[Kristen Joy]

Money up front that we're in it.

[Brian Green]

And then in return we'll give you a full scholarship.

[Doug]

To where? Minot Agricultural and Fine Arts Community College. Yeah, that doesn't sound like a Christian.

[Kristen Joy]

College, but it doesn't sound like they teach the Lord or bare bottom spankings there. What are you gonna do if you don't have your bare bottom spankings? You know how you like your bare bottom spankings with your moo moo Milkies at night?

[Chrissy]

They've got graduates around the world.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, they got graduates around the world.

[Kristen Joy]

I don't care. Do they have bare bottom spankings? Because I know I'll miss them.

[Doug]

Mina. Why not mine up?

[Son Doug]

Yeah, why not?

[Brian Green]

Oh, they're open minded.

[Kristen Joy]

Okay, there you go, Minot.

[Son Doug]

I mean, that's probably.

[Chrissy]

I love how the sun just dropped a football.

[Kristen Joy]

Yeah, but he's got right at his dad's head.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, it's the basketball, but it was deflated because it just played on the ground. The props department, you know, they were just getting going. They had low budget.

[Kristen Joy]

Can you find me a deflated basketball?

[Chrissy]

They needed a scholarship.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, they need a scholarship for this show.

[Son Doug]

Logan. Huh? I mean, what an opportunity. How many teenagers every year get a chance like this?

[Eunice Stanley]

Well, I don't know how to.

[Kristen Joy]

Well, tens of thousands, actually. Many, many, many children get the same.

[Brian Green]

Opportunity, Doug, or whatever your name is.

[Eunice Stanley]

Just line up, Doug, with your call to the mission field, you know, and your chicken dam.

[Kristen Joy]

Yeah, what about your chickenary? It's gonna go on. What about all that time you just spent in Costa Rica saving all those chickens from certain destruction?

[Chrissy]

Street?

[Doug]

Yeah, son, your mother's got a good point there. Just 10 minutes ago, you had her in tears over your glorious Call to the minute ministry. What about that, Dinah?

[Brian Green]

Well, Dana, I went upstairs, I whacked.

[Kristen Joy]

Off and decided I want some pussy and bear.

[Chrissy]

That's right.

[Kristen Joy]

I've had enough. I just went to Costa Rica to save people. Now give me a break. Let me go in my room.

[Brian Green]

Springer.

[Son Doug]

God. God's timing. It's like, you know, you dribble before you shoot. I mean, maybe what God's saying is, first go to Minot. Agricultural and Fine Arts. Community Cost.

[Eunice Stanley]

Agricultural and Fine Arts. Why do I get the picture of a field full of cowboys in ballet tights dancing around?

[Kristen Joy]

Oh, yeah, bring the gays into it. You got to bring the gay cowboys into it. Now, honey, honey, do you need a bare bottom spanking.

[Brian Green]

Cowboys and ballet tights?

[Kristen Joy]

What in the is this lady talking about?

[Brian Green]

Hey. Hey. What?

[Son Doug]

Don't worry.

[Eunice Stanley]

I'm not worried. I'm not worried, Doug, that you would go to school with guys with belt buckles the size of hubcaps.

[Doug]

Honey, put a lid on your word.

[Kristen Joy]

I'm not one. Oh, look at him, dad, laying down the lawn.

[Chrissy]

Put a lid on your word.

[Brian Green]

They didn't even have to act that one out. They do that at home at night. Cause they're both from the same family. Put a lid on your word, bitch.

[Eunice Stanley]

I'm not. I just don't want him to get distracted, John. From what almighty God has called him to do.

[Chrissy]

What a conundrum.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, this is a. This. She's really in a tizzy. Now Mom's gonna spend the whole night drinking and taking her happy pills. They call it Family first on the actual video.

[Chrissy]

That's what I said.

[Brian Green]

That's insane. I wonder why that's called Fire by Night on Wikipedia. Unless there's a totally different television show.

[Chrissy]

I think it might be.

[Brian Green]

I don't know the name of this. This particular episode is in that list, but whatever, okay? Who cares?

[Kristen Joy]

Honestly, who gives a. Is anybody gonna go watch Fire by Night?

[Brian Green]

Or Family first after listening to the commercial break?

[Kristen Joy]

No.

[Brian Green]

Who cares?

[Brother Doug]

You wouldn't believe what my mom's done.

[Son Doug]

What is it?

[Brian Green]

Okay, so now we've got the two teenage boys. The one with the. Who had the globe, who had no family at all. Claude. And we've got the original chicken guy.

[Chrissy]

Here in a teenage pump and iron.

[Brian Green]

In a typical teenage bedroom with no pictures of women on the walls whatsoever. And the bed made.

[Connie]

Doug, would you just.

[Brian Green]

Typical.

[Connie]

Please put the weight down so we can seriously talk.

[Son Doug]

You need to seriously take a look.

[Chrissy]

At this letter right here.

[Kristen Joy]

Seriously.

[Chrissy]

Take a look at his form. That's bad form the way he's living this.

[Brian Green]

Lifting weights and he's like throwing him over his shoulder. He's straining a lot. I feel like he's gonna get a hernia. I have hernia just watching this show.

[Son Doug]

Scholarship offer from Minot Agricultural and Fine Arts Community College.

[Connie]

Didn't their ball team play our high school girls team? And our high school girls won.

[Son Doug]

Very, very funny, Clarence. I'll have you know.

[Brian Green]

And award goes to.

[Kristen Joy]

Fire By Night Slash Family first slash.

[Brian Green]

Nut on My Face slash Bare Bottom Chicken Area Spankings for Excellence in Writing.

[Kristen Joy]

Comedic excellence.

[Chrissy]

Right there in his bed.

[Brian Green]

I know. Of course. That is what boy didn't have tissues just sitting next to his bed? I didn't. I had a T shirt found around the world.

[Kristen Joy]

Oh, really?

[Connie]

They all get deported? Doug, would you please listen to me?

[Brian Green]

I called my mom deported.

[Kristen Joy]

What happened?

[Brian Green]

Now we got the. Now we gotta report immigrants are involved.

[Kristen Joy]

What happened?

[Connie]

And guess what happened? A man answered the phone.

[Son Doug]

Well, Clarence, did you ever think it might be a wrong number? I mean, you call wrong numbers about 60% of the time.

[Connie]

It was the right number.

[Son Doug]

I want you just to be real honest with me first.

[Brian Green]

So now we got two guys lifting weights as only one.

[Chrissy]

One on each.

[Brian Green]

One has one on one arm and one has one. They're only doing one weight at a time.

[Chrissy]

Yeah.

[Kristen Joy]

Oh, this is.

[Brian Green]

This feels like a workout video now. Okay. Oops, sorry.

[Son Doug]

Tell me, are they getting any bigger? No.

[Connie]

Your weights have always been this size. Look, Doug.

[Kristen Joy]

No, your testicles have always been small. They'll drop soon. You only have the face of a 42 year old.

[Connie]

Mom and dad are still going to the court to get the big D word.

[Son Doug]

What do you mean, dunk?

[Kristen Joy]

I mean dick down.

[Chrissy]

I mean, the guy looks like he's in his 30s. Oh, Chrissy, he's.

[Kristen Joy]

This could not be more unrealistic. The big day, the court. That's how kids talk back then.

[Brother Doug]

Oh, not dog.

[Connie]

Divorce. Dad thinks he can save some money by doing it all on people's court.

[Brian Green]

How embarrassing.

[Son Doug]

Oh, come on.

[Brian Green]

He's like the.

[Kristen Joy]

He's like the show they do.

[Brian Green]

They do. No, they don't. They never did. Wapner never did one divorce. He did like you sold me a lawnmower for 20 bucks. Yeah, Wapner was a very tame version of Judge Judy, but he was the best.

[Chrissy]

He was funny. He was the og.

[Brian Green]

Yeah.

[Son Doug]

Come on. I've talked to you about this a hundred times. Just be patient. We've already prayed about it. God heard your prayer. Everything's going to turn out okay.

[Brother Doug]

Brother dad. Brother dad.

[Chrissy]

Brother Doug.

[Kristen Joy]

Brother Doug. You got any more of those bare bottom spankings I've been looking for? I heard you do the chicken dance. Can you come down and do a bare bottom chicken dance up on these nuts?

[Son Doug]

Yeah. Yeah. Brother Peter Brothers, keep it down. What do you want?

[Brother Doug]

I desperately need a moment of your time, Brother Doug.

[Son Doug]

Okay. Okay. Come on up. I'm in my bedroom. Okay, Just for a moment.

[Kristen Joy]

Come on up. I'm in my bedroom.

[Brian Green]

You remember? You remember. Come on up. Preach the good word. Lock the door behind you.

[Eunice Stanley]

Popcorn for our movie.

[Doug]

Oh, great, honey.

[Brother Doug]

Hallelujah. Well, good evening, Mr. And Mrs. Collins.

[Brian Green]

Wow. This cast of characters just could not be more diverse.

[Kristen Joy]

All white, all terribly redneck accents.

[Brian Green]

And did you notice the mom spilled the entire bucket of popcorn? This is. Not only is this, like, cerebral comedy, not only is it. It's kind of like British comedy. Like, you really. It's a. It's a thinking about it. Yeah, that's right. But then it's got this element of, like, physical comedy.

[Chrissy]

Chrissy.

[Brian Green]

That I'm really enjoying right now.

[Chrissy]

It's working.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Anytime someone has a bucket of popcorn and they get scared and they throw it on other people, that denotes to me that we are dealing with highbrow comedy. It's comedy gold. As a matter of fact, I'm gonna start bringing buckets of popcorn in here and just throwing it on you in random points in the show.

[Chrissy]

What?

[Brother Doug]

I've been invited up there to Doug's room to discuss life and to discuss new revelation from above.

[Brian Green]

Jesus.

[Chrissy]

I mean, I. Oh, wow. I'm evoking the. The word of Jesus. This guy. This is really awful.

[Brian Green]

I'm invoking the word of shut the up.

[Chrissy]

But he's got a raincoat, green coat.

[Brian Green]

Yeah. Yelling he came.

[Chrissy]

He kind of. I mean, he might fit on with mountain monsters.

[Brian Green]

Oh, God. I just came here.

[Chrissy]

That's how to come upstairs.

[Brian Green]

Yeah.

[Brother Doug]

Yeah.

[Kristen Joy]

Y' all come up there getting bear bottles. Baker. I came here looking. Brother Doug's bare bottom. I got this here raincoat on. Like I just flashing my balls. I got a revelation in my raincoat.

[Brian Green]

He does a flasher coat on.

[Kristen Joy]

Like, anytime in an 80s or 90s movie, you would see a flasher.

[Brian Green]

Like they were making fun of a flasher.

[Kristen Joy]

He'd be wearing a raincoat just like that.

[Chrissy]

Exactly.

[Brother Doug]

By the way, thank you for. For the popcorn. I do appreciate your hospital. Hospitalization. Excuse me. High hospitality. God bless you.

[Kristen Joy]

Ah, no problem. Go on up there, you strange adult man, with my young teenage son. We'll turn a blind eye. We'll be down here ignoring any kind of sounds or noises.

[Doug]

We might hear our movie, for crying out loud. What's the matter with that guy?

[Son Doug]

Why does he talk so loud?

[Doug]

He's got wax in his ears or something.

[Kristen Joy]

Crying out loud. What's wrong with that strange man? And why did we just let him go up into my son's room?

[Son Doug]

2, 3, 4, 1, 2, flash.

[Chrissy]

That is no workout I've ever seen him.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, I mean, I don't know what they're working out there, but, you know, throwing the.

[Chrissy]

Throwing the weight back.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, that's right. They're gonna. That's gonna come in handy in his later softcore porn days under God.

[Brother Doug]

With a voice of triumph. Glory. That's triumph.

[Connie]

That's lunch.

[Son Doug]

That's sick.

[Brother Doug]

I rebuke you now. Be rebuked.

[Connie]

Okay.

[Brother Doug]

My, my.

[Brian Green]

See there?

[Kristen Joy]

It works.

[Son Doug]

What works? What is all this shouting business?

[Brian Green]

He said rebuke you, and he said, okay. And he walked himself right into the.

[Kristen Joy]

Closet and closed the door.

[Brian Green]

This is funny.

[Kristen Joy]

This is actually getting funny.

[Brother Doug]

Father Doug, have a seat there while I explain to you that this new.

[Chrissy]

T shirt say goob.

[Brian Green]

His T shirt says goob. G, O, O, B.

[Chrissy]

When you, God fearing God, is wearing with suspenders.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, well, you got to keep your pants up, Chrissy, until it's time to take them down. You know what I'm saying?

[Brother Doug]

In the natural. Why you shake the heavenlies.

[Kristen Joy]

And.

[Brother Doug]

And something revelic happens in this parole.

[Son Doug]

Is. Is there any scripture for that?

[Brother Doug]

Oh, the Bible filled with scriptures, brother Doug, but actually, this revelation has been overlooked until just recently.

[Chrissy]

Why, for instance, he seems like the town crazy.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, he is the town crazy. And he was just allowed upstairs into the teenage boy's room with no resistance whatsoever. They actually wanted him to leave because he was too loud.

[Kristen Joy]

They were like, go up.

[Brian Green]

Take advantage of my young teenage son. I can't take it anymore. You want some popcorn? It's on the floor.

[Brother Doug]

He shouted, and the walls came tumbling down. Cometh down, he said.

[Son Doug]

Hey, hey, listen, if you don't keep it down, something else is gonna come down. It's gonna be my father on you.

[Brother Doug]

Hey, Doug, keep it down up there, will ya?

[Son Doug]

I told ya. He'll come up here and give you a bare bottom spanking and then you'll have something to shout about.

[Kristen Joy]

Oh, the whole family's getting involved. The friends come over for bare bottom spankings.

[Chrissy]

Then you'll have something to shout about.

[Kristen Joy]

Nothing like a good bare bottom spanking from your friend's dad. Oh, uh, oh, wait, hold on one second.

[Brian Green]

There we go.

[Chrissy]

Family matters.

[Brian Green]

Family matters was so much better. Yeah.

[Chrissy]

Or whatever it's called.

[Brian Green]

Family matters. Fire by night, trial by fire. Bare bottom spanking. I'm just gonna call. Start calling it bbs. Bare Bottom Spanking.

[Kristen Joy]

The Bare Bottom Spanking show brought to you by Brian and Chrissy Hambone. And holy of the morning.

[Brian Green]

Bbs. CBS brings you BBS on Saturday nights.

[Kristen Joy]

Bare bottom spanking.

[Brian Green]

Starring these two family members and these.

[Kristen Joy]

Two family members and this strange man. All the sexual innuendos you can fit.

[Brian Green]

Into one Christian related program. BBS only on cbs.

[Chrissy]

You know what, maybe we should put this up on TCB minus.

[Brian Green]

Oh yeah. Well, I'm sure you can get it for a song and a dance.

[Kristen Joy]

I mean check it out.

[Brian Green]

Yeah, I think this is into the. What do they call it when you lose trade? No, you lose the trademark. Oh, public domain. I think this went into public domain like 30 years early because everyone was like, who's going to pay for that? But hey, everyone does things in their own way. And I'm. Some people on YouTube, YouTube comment that they really enjoyed this show. As much as they hated the bad acting, they really enjoyed the show. But I think pretty much you could put an 8 year old in front of a television set with anything going. And if it was not like straight up hardcore gore murder, they would be like, oh, that's interesting.

[Kristen Joy]

I like that. Exactly.

[Brian Green]

Their little eyes get focused on whatever.

[Kristen Joy]

Daddy, are you gonna give me a bear bottom spanking?

[Brian Green]

No, we stopped that about 20 years ago. Go. You're lucky. You're lucky. However, blue.

[Kristen Joy]

Blue.

[Brian Green]

I'll give a bare bottom spanking too.

[Chrissy]

Not just any old spanking.

[Kristen Joy]

No, a bare bottom spanking.

[Chrissy]

Yep.

[Brian Green]

All right, well listen, do us a favor, go to tcbpodcast.com that's where you go. You find out more information about the.

[Chrissy]

Show and Bare bottom spanking.

[Brian Green]

Bare bottom spankings.

[Kristen Joy]

Oh no, I can't stop laughing.

[Brian Green]

Oh my God.

[Kristen Joy]

Tcpodcast.com 626 Ask DCB the number three.

[Brian Green]

626 Ask DCB the number 3. Add the commercial break on Instagram and YouTube.com the commercial break.

[Kristen Joy]

Yeah.

[Brian Green]

Okay.

[Kristen Joy]

There you go. Okay, Chrissy, I guess that's all I.

[Brian Green]

Can do for today.

[Kristen Joy]

I love you.

[Chrissy]

I love you.

[Kristen Joy]

Best to you.

[Brian Green]

Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time. Chrissy and I always say we do.

[Kristen Joy]

So, Sam and we will say goodbye. I get asked.